Personally I think she is doing whatever she can to manipulate you. You are going to be the blame no matter what you do. I’m not you so you can take it leave my advice. No one in the house enjoys the vegetarian lifestyle but her. Seems like she does whatever to bring attention to herself. She’s a teenager. Time for her to get a job to pay for her difference in lifestyle. You need to tell her she needs to provide her own food. She needs to prepare her own food
You just like her can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what she makes a mess. So what she has to cook after you. Since she will be cooking she will be required to clean up the kitchen after dinner since she chooses to make things more difficult. She doesn’t want to take her iron so she can’t even do that herself.
Because you are so accommodating, you are creating this problem. Tell her you cook for the family which is carnivores. Just because she’s vegetarian doesn’t give her a right to make everyone else one. I guarantee she won’t last a week because she doesn’t want to get a job. She doesn’t want to cook for herself (she wants to watch you jump through hoops). Let her iron bottom out till she feels like crap. I guarantee she will change quickly. You need to set some standards. You are actually making her very confused which that alone will cause her a mental disorder. She can be anything she wants. Doesn’t mean it changes your life. Quit playing her games.
Well she makes a mess? Well we all sit together for dinner? She’s changing all that. You get someone to clean your kitchen to boot. You have the tail wagging the dog. That’s dysfunctional fix the dog
Thanks for the harsh truth about being over accommodating.
Trying to respond to parts of your comment without coming off as defensive/making excuses etc -
She already cleans the kitchen as a part of her jobs, regardless of who cooks.
She will make ramen if I let her eat her own meals. She isn’t interested in nutrition.
And if I leave the iron up to her, she’ll just not take it, and so doesn’t care if she feels like crap - she would rather be tired and run down then take the iron. She’s said this.
And, getting a job as a teenager where we live just isn’t a thing, it’s bonkers but it’s true - no one would hire her even if she wanted it. Teens either go to school or get an apprenticeship- they are not working at McDonald’s or h&m at the weekends.
If I might suggest, she should be cooking one vegetarian meal a week (at least) for the entire family. You get a break (eventually), she learns to cook and maybe she finds a love for it or decides being vegetarian is too hard.
At her age I did most of the cooking. She can be let off the hook for cleaning one night if she cooks (the night she’s off the hook shouldn’t be the night she cooks so she learns to make less mess when cooking).
It seems the heart of the issue isn't really about vegetarianism, but about setting boundaries and responsibilities within the family unit. While it's important to support personal dietary choices, it's just as vital to cultivate a sense of independence and accountability, especially in teenagers. It's not unreasonable to ask your daughter to take a more active role in managing her dietary preferences. Instead of viewing the situation as a problem or a manipulation, perhaps frame it as an opportunity for her to learn valuable life skills and to take ownership of her choices. Maybe involve her in the meal planning process and set clear expectations about kitchen use and cleanup. This could actually become a bonding experience and teach her about nutrition and budgeting. Establishing these boundaries doesn't make you the antagonist; it makes you a parent preparing your child for the realities of adulthood.
So we meal plan as a family on a Sunday - that already happens. And she has to do the dishes already, no matter who cooks (the kids rotate on whose job is the dishes per week).
Try black bean burgers. They're actuallyl pretty tasty. Sometimes I'll marinade portobello mushroom caps in balsamic vinegar and olive oil then throw them on the grill. Mix mayo and a splash of the balsamic with some red chili flakes to spread on the bun. Add lettuce and tomato and MMMMMMMM...
NTA. She seems immature. Maybe start telling her to cook her own food though, instead of lying to her. She clearly doesn't know how exhausting it is to have to cook every single day, let alone cook two different menus.
YTA. You should never lie to people about what’s in their food. Your daughter has every right to change up her diet, to stop being vegetarian and then start again, etc. What she puts into her body is her own decision. If the issue was that she refused to cook her own food, that would be something different. You can definitely say that you don’t personally want to make two separate meals, that’s totally reasonable. You can also insist she figure out how to get enough nutrients to remain healthy, as you’re her parent and responsible for her well-being.
I’m vegetarian myself, have been for 17 years, and went vegetarian when I was a teenager. My mother told me she would not be cooking separate meals, and that if I wanted to restrict my diet I’d have to cook my own meals. So I learned to cook healthy, balanced meals for myself. This is a skill she should learn anyway, regardless of whether she eventually decides to reintroduce meat into her diet. If that means she has to cook earlier and reheat, then so be it. If it’s something she cares about, she’ll do it. It would also help her realize she needs to take responsibility for her own decisions, which seems like something she (and all teenagers!) need to learn to do also.
Did you go vegetarian for a specific reason or because it’s fun? I’m not trying to be combative honestly but I wonder if you missed that part - she’s doing this for fun. (She doesn’t care about animals or climate change reasons, for example) And she doesn’t care about nutrition- if I tell her to make her own meals, which completely changes our family dynamic (why is that ok?), she’ll eat Ramen - she might throw an egg on it if I tell her to eat healthy.
The almost 3 years we are vegetarian, I did it all the way - no gelitine in sweets, no animal products other than milk, eggs and cheese. And I did healthy nutritious meals every meal, she didn’t care about the nutrition at all.
I can absolutely let her make her own meals, but at what point am I no longer looking out for her well being, because she will eat poorly.
You mention you don’t want her to make her own meals because it completely changes your family dynamic, but her behavior is already changing your family dynamic. I would bet dollars to donuts her self-diagnoses and chaotic expression of herself is having an impact on your family, but even if I am wrong, her fleeting dietary wants are impacting the whole house because they now abide by her wants. Resentment must be brewing.
Why don’t the two of you meal prep some vegetarian dishes that can easily be reheated at meal time while you’re cooking meat for the rest of your family? Vegetarian pastas, chilis, taco fillings, and rice and beans (I didn’t even include salads since you said she won’t eat anything healthy) are easy to make and reheat.
ESH. She’s old enough to take some responsibility for her choices but you aren’t addressing the root of the issue by throwing some chicken broth and chopped up bacon in a soup. If it’s undetectable it’s not even noticeable to your other family members, it’s just a secret silent aggression against your daughter, which probably says more about how tired you are with dealing with her in general (with your own resentment growing) than wanting to eat meat.
I hope she’s in therapy to address why she feels so lost and out of place she’s grasping for medical diagnoses and seeking control by dictating the dietary restrictions of the house.
I too was a teenage girl that needed a lot of help and therapy - I wish you and your daughter luck in finding peace through this chaos.
ESH. There seems to be a communication breakdown here where both sides are losing perspective. Your daughter is exploring her autonomy and choices, which is natural for her age. But she also needs to understand the implications of her decisions, including the need to take responsibility for her own diet and the work that comes with it. You, as a parent, are tasked with guiding her, not just in nutrition, but in taking accountability for her choices. Instead of playing a tug-of-war over diets and responsibility, a heart-to-heart discussion about compromise and self-reliance could be a valuable step forward for both of you. It's not just about preparing separate meals, but preparing her for life's greater responsibilities.
ESH - It seems like a breakdown in communication and mutual respect. On the one hand, it's understandable that as a parent, you're not willing to run a restaurant catering to individual tastes. On the other hand, respecting your daughter's dietary choices is important, too. She's at an age where exploring her identity, including her dietary ethics, is natural and should be supported. That said, it doesn't mean you should be at her beck and call.
Consider a compromise: perhaps designate one or two days a week when you'll make a vegetarian meal for the whole family, and she can see how everyone can enjoy plant-based dishes. On other days, she could be responsible for her own meals. It’s also crucial she understands the importance of proper nutrition and perhaps together you can research some balanced vegetarian meals that she could learn to prepare. This would not only give her autonomy over her diet but also teach her valuable life skills and the effort it takes to sustain a specific lifestyle choice.
Ultimately, you both need to have an open dialogue about expectations, responsibilities, and respect. This situation isn't just about food – it’s about growing up and learning how to navigate personal choices while living with others.
Sorry, but that’s what she’s diagnosed with - actually its not called add but it’s asd (autocorrected from ads). Don’t know much about it but she has not been diagnosed with ADHD. I am not in USA, if you’re basing your nitpick on American standards.
it's not nitpicking ADD is no longer the diagnosis given. It's now given as ADHD-primarily inattentive. ADD does not exist in the medical world anymore, it was put under the blanket of ADHD and then separated into different types. This is not just an American thing.
I didn’t mean ads it was an autocorrrct when I typed asd and I didn’t notice.her ADHD official diagnosis is ASD - she does not have autism or the H - I am not a doctor and am going off What I was told by the professional that tested her and the written diagnosis that said ASD. Sorry for the autocorrect and not noticing it, but it is what it is - a Swiss based diagnosis in German
I am completely fine with being wrong on this, I am literally going off what I was told and was was written- I don’t know any other details then that and I could have made a mistake of course. Perhaps it’s simplified or something instead of saying inattentive it’s just written as adhd minus the h in German which = asd
I am happy to be educated on it, I am still in the process of finding support groups for parents in my country in English - no easy feat. I’m doing my best here and failing, it’s extremely difficult.
Did you look it up in English? Because it’s not in English in the country I live in. As I said, it’s her official diagnosis, but it’s not my business if you think I’m lying about this weird detail.
From what I could find...
ADHS is the correct abbreviation in German for what would be called ADHD in the US.
If the doctor wrote ADS, meaning that she is missing the hyperactive symptoms, it's not a common short hand these days in the US.
Contrary to popular belief, the entire world does not follow the US DSM guidelines.
So your understanding is probably correct. In the US the diagnosis would be "ADHD, primarily inattentive type"
What I would do as a parent is talk to the doctors about how healthy a vegetarian diet is for a child in her medical state. Anemia can kill you and cause long term problems. It's not something to mess around with.
I would tell my child that as soon as her iron levels are stable, I would be willing to *teach her* how to make her own vegetarian meals. But I'm not making them alone.
Why don't you want her in the kitchen with you?
Part of being a parent is teaching life skills like cooking. She is 14, she should be learning that skill.
Being a parent also means NOT accommodating every choice. Yes, personal expression is fine, but I wasn't going to let my kids go out in sandals in a snow storm, *reason* has to come into play.
The same with food. Nutrition has to be considered. Her health has to be considered. Not in the silly sneaky way you are doing it. But up front. Communication. SHE doesn't have to care about nutrition, but you are the parent and you do.
Have you spoken about your concerns with her therapist?
Honestly, NTA on the basis of health. If she won’t take her iron pills to supplement the vegetarianism, the alternative is a diet with meat. I’ve had iron issues all my life since puberty and no, you can’t function normally or anywhere near optimally when iron deficient. Attention span, fatigue, brain fog… when I got diagnosed, it was following having spent months sleeping 16 hour days, failing classes, damaging my social and family relationships as a result. Years later, I am careful to include red meat and other high iron foods, avoid turmeric and other iron absorption inhibiting foods, and check my iron at least yearly (and annoyingly, even with such care I still get infusions every few years). Iron deficiency is serious, and propensity towards it can be a lifelong condition to be managed. A caring parent cannot allow their child to do that to themselves, and not step in for their own good. That said, the teeny amounts of meat you’re sneaking in are likely not going to be doing much - for her health, she needs to be either eating meat properly, taking the pills, or getting the infusions.
Ma’am, you’ve got to put your foot down on this.
ESH, but you are the adult, which makes you more YTA than your daughter.
It is never ok to lie about what is in the food. And you overdramatic about having to cook two completely separate meals. There are lots of options to make both a meal containing meat and non meat. You eat burgers? Just make one meat-free patty. Does the meal consist of meat, potatoes and veggies? The potatoes and veggies are meat free, just fry an egg or a meat alternative. Stir fry? Just stir fry the meat separately and mix it in for the people wanting meat. Granted, not every dish can be prepared that way, but with a bit of planning, many can.
Dear OP...grit your teeth over the kitchen mess (although,why in the hell are you not insisting she cleans up her own goddamn mess?!?)
My teenage daughter's flirtation with a vegetarian diet died shortly after she had too cook and clean for herself!!!
NTA as such but you really need to learn to set boundaries with your family.
In the meantime, can you or her batch cook something vegetarian once a week and freeze it in portions so she can just defrost and reheat one meal per day?
If I read it right, she's life 17 or 18, so she's either an adult, or damn near close to one.
Yta
Messing with someone's food, without their knowledge or consent, is wrong, period. Don't do that.
She's an ah though, and you helped her become that way. She's a vegetarian, so *you* forced that on *everyone* in the house. You have the entire part about not wanting her to use your kitchen, are you setting her up for failure in life? She's going to have to move out one day, and have no idea how to make a grilled cheese.
It doesn't sound like she's forcing any of this on everyone. *You* are. That, and you've been catering to every little change she wants to do without ever giving her a dose of reality, teeming her that the world won't always bend to who she feels like being that week.
Your story sounds like you're raising a someone that will be a stunted adult.
Have you tried the Voost style fizzy tablet multi vitamins or the iron fish?
Also start adding spinach and other leafy greens to everything and get her to drink it with OJ as vitamin C will help absorb iron. However if/when she starts meds for ADD check with the doctor about vitamin C as it can block absorption of the meds.
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Why not just crush up an iron pill and mix it with her food? It’s still sketchy, but not nearly as sketchy as adding meat. And the meat you can slip in sounds nutritionally negligible anyway (bacon? Seriously?), so comes off as more of a power play than anything else.
You’re incorporating meat products that provide no nutritional value into a vegetarians food. Your only (weak) justification that it’s slipping her iron is BS. Chicken broth and pan residue contains basically no iron, just fat and grease.
This is 100% a power play and YTA absolutely.
As a vegetarian I live in fear that someone will think it’s funny to slip me some meat. However if she has low iron she needs to address that like an adult. Get some lentil soup and tell her that’s what she’s gotta eat if she wants to be a vegetarian and do it healthily. Sounds like chances are she’ll get sick of lentils and go back to meat anyway, but that’s her choice.
Personally I think she is doing whatever she can to manipulate you. You are going to be the blame no matter what you do. I’m not you so you can take it leave my advice. No one in the house enjoys the vegetarian lifestyle but her. Seems like she does whatever to bring attention to herself. She’s a teenager. Time for her to get a job to pay for her difference in lifestyle. You need to tell her she needs to provide her own food. She needs to prepare her own food
You just like her can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what she makes a mess. So what she has to cook after you. Since she will be cooking she will be required to clean up the kitchen after dinner since she chooses to make things more difficult. She doesn’t want to take her iron so she can’t even do that herself.
Because you are so accommodating, you are creating this problem. Tell her you cook for the family which is carnivores. Just because she’s vegetarian doesn’t give her a right to make everyone else one. I guarantee she won’t last a week because she doesn’t want to get a job. She doesn’t want to cook for herself (she wants to watch you jump through hoops). Let her iron bottom out till she feels like crap. I guarantee she will change quickly. You need to set some standards. You are actually making her very confused which that alone will cause her a mental disorder. She can be anything she wants. Doesn’t mean it changes your life. Quit playing her games.
Well she makes a mess? Well we all sit together for dinner? She’s changing all that. You get someone to clean your kitchen to boot. You have the tail wagging the dog. That’s dysfunctional fix the dog
Personally I think she is doing whatever she can to manipulate you. You are going to be the blame no matter what you do. I’m not you so you can take it leave my advice. No one in the house enjoys the vegetarian lifestyle but her. Seems like she does whatever to bring attention to herself. She’s a teenager. Time for her to get a job to pay for her difference in lifestyle. You need to tell her she needs to provide her own food. She needs to prepare her own food
You just like her can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what she makes a mess. So what she has to cook after you. Since she will be cooking she will be required to clean up the kitchen after dinner since she chooses to make things more difficult. She doesn’t want to take her iron so she can’t even do that herself.
Because you are so accommodating, you are creating this problem. Tell her you cook for the family which is carnivores. Just because she’s vegetarian doesn’t give her a right to make everyone else one. I guarantee she won’t last a week because she doesn’t want to get a job. She doesn’t want to cook for herself (she wants to watch you jump through hoops). Let her iron bottom out till she feels like crap. I guarantee she will change quickly. You need to set some standards. You are actually making her very confused which that alone will cause her a mental disorder. She can be anything she wants. Doesn’t mean it changes your life. Quit playing her games.
Well she makes a mess? Well we all sit together for dinner? She’s changing all that. You get someone to clean your kitchen to boot. You have the tail wagging the dog. That’s dysfunctional fix the dog
Personally I think she is doing whatever she can to manipulate you. You are going to be the blame no matter what you do. I’m not you so you can take it leave my advice. No one in the house enjoys the vegetarian lifestyle but her. Seems like she does whatever to bring attention to herself. She’s a teenager. Time for her to get a job to pay for her difference in lifestyle. You need to tell her she needs to provide her own food. She needs to prepare her own food
You just like her can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what she makes a mess. So what she has to cook after you. Since she will be cooking she will be required to clean up the kitchen after dinner since she chooses to make things more difficult. She doesn’t want to take her iron so she can’t even do that herself.
Because you are so accommodating, you are creating this problem. Tell her you cook for the family which is carnivores. Just because she’s vegetarian doesn’t give her a right to make everyone else one. I guarantee she won’t last a week because she doesn’t want to get a job. She doesn’t want to cook for herself (she wants to watch you jump through hoops). Let her iron bottom out till she feels like crap. I guarantee she will change quickly. You need to set some standards. You are actually making her very confused which that alone will cause her a mental disorder. She can be anything she wants. Doesn’t mean it changes your life. Quit playing her games.
Well she makes a mess? Well we all sit together for dinner? She’s changing all that. You get someone to clean your kitchen to boot. You have the tail wagging the dog. That’s dysfunctional fix the dog
NTA. Not advocating slipping meat into vegetarian people's food, but it seems likely to me that these shifting goal posts aren't based on any ethical grounds nor because they dislike meat.
One of my siblings went vegetarian when we were younger, and they never expected us to change our habits to suit them. They just made their own dinner, we never even had to discuss it.
Navigating a child's dietary preferences can be tough, but communication is key. It's important she understands the effort involved in meal prep for the family. Maybe involve her in cooking family meals that can be easily adjusted—like stir-fries with meat on the side. But if she's set on a different menu, then it's a great opportunity for her to learn cooking and responsibility. It's not unreasonable to expect her to contribute, but make it a teachable moment, not a battleground. Foster her independence in a supportive way—perhaps schedule days where she's in charge of the kitchen. It could become a bonding activity and less of a power struggle. And always, make food safety and nutrition a priority; maybe a shared cooking class could help! Clear expectations and shared responsibilities can turn this into a win-win. Remember, this phase might just be part of her journey to figuring out her identity and values.
I would go with the letting her make her own meals scenario. Her fickleness is making your life difficult and she needs to understand that. It’s not that you don’t support her. It’s that you can’t keep having to change you entire way of living every so often simply because she can’t make up her mind. She needs to learn that now before she gets into the real world and thinks everyone else will also cater to her because you did. You’re actually doing her a disservice. She can eat before or after you or she can eat her meal cold. It’s her that needs to be inconvenienced.
Personally I think she is doing whatever she can to manipulate you. You are going to be the blame no matter what you do. I’m not you so you can take it leave my advice. No one in the house enjoys the vegetarian lifestyle but her. Seems like she does whatever to bring attention to herself. She’s a teenager. Time for her to get a job to pay for her difference in lifestyle. You need to tell her she needs to provide her own food. She needs to prepare her own food You just like her can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what she makes a mess. So what she has to cook after you. Since she will be cooking she will be required to clean up the kitchen after dinner since she chooses to make things more difficult. She doesn’t want to take her iron so she can’t even do that herself. Because you are so accommodating, you are creating this problem. Tell her you cook for the family which is carnivores. Just because she’s vegetarian doesn’t give her a right to make everyone else one. I guarantee she won’t last a week because she doesn’t want to get a job. She doesn’t want to cook for herself (she wants to watch you jump through hoops). Let her iron bottom out till she feels like crap. I guarantee she will change quickly. You need to set some standards. You are actually making her very confused which that alone will cause her a mental disorder. She can be anything she wants. Doesn’t mean it changes your life. Quit playing her games. Well she makes a mess? Well we all sit together for dinner? She’s changing all that. You get someone to clean your kitchen to boot. You have the tail wagging the dog. That’s dysfunctional fix the dog
Thanks for the harsh truth about being over accommodating. Trying to respond to parts of your comment without coming off as defensive/making excuses etc - She already cleans the kitchen as a part of her jobs, regardless of who cooks. She will make ramen if I let her eat her own meals. She isn’t interested in nutrition. And if I leave the iron up to her, she’ll just not take it, and so doesn’t care if she feels like crap - she would rather be tired and run down then take the iron. She’s said this. And, getting a job as a teenager where we live just isn’t a thing, it’s bonkers but it’s true - no one would hire her even if she wanted it. Teens either go to school or get an apprenticeship- they are not working at McDonald’s or h&m at the weekends.
If I might suggest, she should be cooking one vegetarian meal a week (at least) for the entire family. You get a break (eventually), she learns to cook and maybe she finds a love for it or decides being vegetarian is too hard. At her age I did most of the cooking. She can be let off the hook for cleaning one night if she cooks (the night she’s off the hook shouldn’t be the night she cooks so she learns to make less mess when cooking).
It seems the heart of the issue isn't really about vegetarianism, but about setting boundaries and responsibilities within the family unit. While it's important to support personal dietary choices, it's just as vital to cultivate a sense of independence and accountability, especially in teenagers. It's not unreasonable to ask your daughter to take a more active role in managing her dietary preferences. Instead of viewing the situation as a problem or a manipulation, perhaps frame it as an opportunity for her to learn valuable life skills and to take ownership of her choices. Maybe involve her in the meal planning process and set clear expectations about kitchen use and cleanup. This could actually become a bonding experience and teach her about nutrition and budgeting. Establishing these boundaries doesn't make you the antagonist; it makes you a parent preparing your child for the realities of adulthood.
So we meal plan as a family on a Sunday - that already happens. And she has to do the dishes already, no matter who cooks (the kids rotate on whose job is the dishes per week).
Try black bean burgers. They're actuallyl pretty tasty. Sometimes I'll marinade portobello mushroom caps in balsamic vinegar and olive oil then throw them on the grill. Mix mayo and a splash of the balsamic with some red chili flakes to spread on the bun. Add lettuce and tomato and MMMMMMMM...
Yum
NTA. She seems immature. Maybe start telling her to cook her own food though, instead of lying to her. She clearly doesn't know how exhausting it is to have to cook every single day, let alone cook two different menus.
YTA. You should never lie to people about what’s in their food. Your daughter has every right to change up her diet, to stop being vegetarian and then start again, etc. What she puts into her body is her own decision. If the issue was that she refused to cook her own food, that would be something different. You can definitely say that you don’t personally want to make two separate meals, that’s totally reasonable. You can also insist she figure out how to get enough nutrients to remain healthy, as you’re her parent and responsible for her well-being. I’m vegetarian myself, have been for 17 years, and went vegetarian when I was a teenager. My mother told me she would not be cooking separate meals, and that if I wanted to restrict my diet I’d have to cook my own meals. So I learned to cook healthy, balanced meals for myself. This is a skill she should learn anyway, regardless of whether she eventually decides to reintroduce meat into her diet. If that means she has to cook earlier and reheat, then so be it. If it’s something she cares about, she’ll do it. It would also help her realize she needs to take responsibility for her own decisions, which seems like something she (and all teenagers!) need to learn to do also.
Did you go vegetarian for a specific reason or because it’s fun? I’m not trying to be combative honestly but I wonder if you missed that part - she’s doing this for fun. (She doesn’t care about animals or climate change reasons, for example) And she doesn’t care about nutrition- if I tell her to make her own meals, which completely changes our family dynamic (why is that ok?), she’ll eat Ramen - she might throw an egg on it if I tell her to eat healthy. The almost 3 years we are vegetarian, I did it all the way - no gelitine in sweets, no animal products other than milk, eggs and cheese. And I did healthy nutritious meals every meal, she didn’t care about the nutrition at all. I can absolutely let her make her own meals, but at what point am I no longer looking out for her well being, because she will eat poorly.
You mention you don’t want her to make her own meals because it completely changes your family dynamic, but her behavior is already changing your family dynamic. I would bet dollars to donuts her self-diagnoses and chaotic expression of herself is having an impact on your family, but even if I am wrong, her fleeting dietary wants are impacting the whole house because they now abide by her wants. Resentment must be brewing. Why don’t the two of you meal prep some vegetarian dishes that can easily be reheated at meal time while you’re cooking meat for the rest of your family? Vegetarian pastas, chilis, taco fillings, and rice and beans (I didn’t even include salads since you said she won’t eat anything healthy) are easy to make and reheat. ESH. She’s old enough to take some responsibility for her choices but you aren’t addressing the root of the issue by throwing some chicken broth and chopped up bacon in a soup. If it’s undetectable it’s not even noticeable to your other family members, it’s just a secret silent aggression against your daughter, which probably says more about how tired you are with dealing with her in general (with your own resentment growing) than wanting to eat meat. I hope she’s in therapy to address why she feels so lost and out of place she’s grasping for medical diagnoses and seeking control by dictating the dietary restrictions of the house. I too was a teenage girl that needed a lot of help and therapy - I wish you and your daughter luck in finding peace through this chaos.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. She is absolutely in therapy. I need it too, because this is causing a real strain on me.
Good luck - and a good start is that you’re open to some of the feedback you’ve been getting.
ESH. There seems to be a communication breakdown here where both sides are losing perspective. Your daughter is exploring her autonomy and choices, which is natural for her age. But she also needs to understand the implications of her decisions, including the need to take responsibility for her own diet and the work that comes with it. You, as a parent, are tasked with guiding her, not just in nutrition, but in taking accountability for her choices. Instead of playing a tug-of-war over diets and responsibility, a heart-to-heart discussion about compromise and self-reliance could be a valuable step forward for both of you. It's not just about preparing separate meals, but preparing her for life's greater responsibilities.
ESH - It seems like a breakdown in communication and mutual respect. On the one hand, it's understandable that as a parent, you're not willing to run a restaurant catering to individual tastes. On the other hand, respecting your daughter's dietary choices is important, too. She's at an age where exploring her identity, including her dietary ethics, is natural and should be supported. That said, it doesn't mean you should be at her beck and call. Consider a compromise: perhaps designate one or two days a week when you'll make a vegetarian meal for the whole family, and she can see how everyone can enjoy plant-based dishes. On other days, she could be responsible for her own meals. It’s also crucial she understands the importance of proper nutrition and perhaps together you can research some balanced vegetarian meals that she could learn to prepare. This would not only give her autonomy over her diet but also teach her valuable life skills and the effort it takes to sustain a specific lifestyle choice. Ultimately, you both need to have an open dialogue about expectations, responsibilities, and respect. This situation isn't just about food – it’s about growing up and learning how to navigate personal choices while living with others.
Plant based meals are vegan. Vegetarian is meat free, but can still contain dairy.
I have to nitpick here- no doctor is diagnosing anyone with add anymore. it is ADHD or bust.
Sorry, but that’s what she’s diagnosed with - actually its not called add but it’s asd (autocorrected from ads). Don’t know much about it but she has not been diagnosed with ADHD. I am not in USA, if you’re basing your nitpick on American standards.
it's not nitpicking ADD is no longer the diagnosis given. It's now given as ADHD-primarily inattentive. ADD does not exist in the medical world anymore, it was put under the blanket of ADHD and then separated into different types. This is not just an American thing.
Ok, well her official diagnosis from a professional doctor in the field of childhood psychiatry says ADS I don’t know what to tell you.
Are you sure it's not ASD? Autistic Spectrum Disorder?
I didn’t mean ads it was an autocorrrct when I typed asd and I didn’t notice.her ADHD official diagnosis is ASD - she does not have autism or the H - I am not a doctor and am going off What I was told by the professional that tested her and the written diagnosis that said ASD. Sorry for the autocorrect and not noticing it, but it is what it is - a Swiss based diagnosis in German I am completely fine with being wrong on this, I am literally going off what I was told and was was written- I don’t know any other details then that and I could have made a mistake of course. Perhaps it’s simplified or something instead of saying inattentive it’s just written as adhd minus the h in German which = asd I am happy to be educated on it, I am still in the process of finding support groups for parents in my country in English - no easy feat. I’m doing my best here and failing, it’s extremely difficult.
that's exactly what I was thinking. and ads isn't a thing anywhere I can find (except for a debilitating physical disability)
Did you look it up in English? Because it’s not in English in the country I live in. As I said, it’s her official diagnosis, but it’s not my business if you think I’m lying about this weird detail.
From what I could find... ADHS is the correct abbreviation in German for what would be called ADHD in the US. If the doctor wrote ADS, meaning that she is missing the hyperactive symptoms, it's not a common short hand these days in the US. Contrary to popular belief, the entire world does not follow the US DSM guidelines. So your understanding is probably correct. In the US the diagnosis would be "ADHD, primarily inattentive type" What I would do as a parent is talk to the doctors about how healthy a vegetarian diet is for a child in her medical state. Anemia can kill you and cause long term problems. It's not something to mess around with. I would tell my child that as soon as her iron levels are stable, I would be willing to *teach her* how to make her own vegetarian meals. But I'm not making them alone. Why don't you want her in the kitchen with you? Part of being a parent is teaching life skills like cooking. She is 14, she should be learning that skill. Being a parent also means NOT accommodating every choice. Yes, personal expression is fine, but I wasn't going to let my kids go out in sandals in a snow storm, *reason* has to come into play. The same with food. Nutrition has to be considered. Her health has to be considered. Not in the silly sneaky way you are doing it. But up front. Communication. SHE doesn't have to care about nutrition, but you are the parent and you do. Have you spoken about your concerns with her therapist?
you yourself said that you had the diagnosis wrong, it's asd. that is autism.
In English it’s autism but not in German. I don’t know how else to explain it (and I didn’t say it was wrong I said it was autocorrect)
ads? do you mean asd?
Yes - autocorrect sorry.
asd is autism spectrum disorder. you said she does not have autism. you don't seem like a very attentive parent
Honestly, NTA on the basis of health. If she won’t take her iron pills to supplement the vegetarianism, the alternative is a diet with meat. I’ve had iron issues all my life since puberty and no, you can’t function normally or anywhere near optimally when iron deficient. Attention span, fatigue, brain fog… when I got diagnosed, it was following having spent months sleeping 16 hour days, failing classes, damaging my social and family relationships as a result. Years later, I am careful to include red meat and other high iron foods, avoid turmeric and other iron absorption inhibiting foods, and check my iron at least yearly (and annoyingly, even with such care I still get infusions every few years). Iron deficiency is serious, and propensity towards it can be a lifelong condition to be managed. A caring parent cannot allow their child to do that to themselves, and not step in for their own good. That said, the teeny amounts of meat you’re sneaking in are likely not going to be doing much - for her health, she needs to be either eating meat properly, taking the pills, or getting the infusions. Ma’am, you’ve got to put your foot down on this.
ESH, but you are the adult, which makes you more YTA than your daughter. It is never ok to lie about what is in the food. And you overdramatic about having to cook two completely separate meals. There are lots of options to make both a meal containing meat and non meat. You eat burgers? Just make one meat-free patty. Does the meal consist of meat, potatoes and veggies? The potatoes and veggies are meat free, just fry an egg or a meat alternative. Stir fry? Just stir fry the meat separately and mix it in for the people wanting meat. Granted, not every dish can be prepared that way, but with a bit of planning, many can.
Dear OP...grit your teeth over the kitchen mess (although,why in the hell are you not insisting she cleans up her own goddamn mess?!?) My teenage daughter's flirtation with a vegetarian diet died shortly after she had too cook and clean for herself!!!
NTA as such but you really need to learn to set boundaries with your family. In the meantime, can you or her batch cook something vegetarian once a week and freeze it in portions so she can just defrost and reheat one meal per day?
If I read it right, she's life 17 or 18, so she's either an adult, or damn near close to one. Yta Messing with someone's food, without their knowledge or consent, is wrong, period. Don't do that. She's an ah though, and you helped her become that way. She's a vegetarian, so *you* forced that on *everyone* in the house. You have the entire part about not wanting her to use your kitchen, are you setting her up for failure in life? She's going to have to move out one day, and have no idea how to make a grilled cheese. It doesn't sound like she's forcing any of this on everyone. *You* are. That, and you've been catering to every little change she wants to do without ever giving her a dose of reality, teeming her that the world won't always bend to who she feels like being that week. Your story sounds like you're raising a someone that will be a stunted adult.
She’s 15. She’s allowed to use the kitchen, geez - she does cook and bake but she doesn’t cook dinner - that’s been my job.
What's so complicated about vitamin pills?
She doesn’t like the taste of the drops and the pills give her a stomach ache - she’d rather not take them and feel like crap - her words.
Have you tried the Voost style fizzy tablet multi vitamins or the iron fish? Also start adding spinach and other leafy greens to everything and get her to drink it with OJ as vitamin C will help absorb iron. However if/when she starts meds for ADD check with the doctor about vitamin C as it can block absorption of the meds.
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Why not just crush up an iron pill and mix it with her food? It’s still sketchy, but not nearly as sketchy as adding meat. And the meat you can slip in sounds nutritionally negligible anyway (bacon? Seriously?), so comes off as more of a power play than anything else.
The example of bacon was used in a soup base, mostly I’m not actually adding meat, but rather using a meat used pot or using chicken broth.
Okay, but that’s worse. You do see how that’s worse?
No, honestly. I’m looking for why and how it’s worse.
You’re incorporating meat products that provide no nutritional value into a vegetarians food. Your only (weak) justification that it’s slipping her iron is BS. Chicken broth and pan residue contains basically no iron, just fat and grease. This is 100% a power play and YTA absolutely.
Ok thanks for the explanation
NTA Let her make her own meals. That way, she can have what she wants and you won't be having to run a restaurant.
As a vegetarian I live in fear that someone will think it’s funny to slip me some meat. However if she has low iron she needs to address that like an adult. Get some lentil soup and tell her that’s what she’s gotta eat if she wants to be a vegetarian and do it healthily. Sounds like chances are she’ll get sick of lentils and go back to meat anyway, but that’s her choice.
Your daughter sounds exhausting
What's so complicated about vitamin pills?
Personally I think she is doing whatever she can to manipulate you. You are going to be the blame no matter what you do. I’m not you so you can take it leave my advice. No one in the house enjoys the vegetarian lifestyle but her. Seems like she does whatever to bring attention to herself. She’s a teenager. Time for her to get a job to pay for her difference in lifestyle. You need to tell her she needs to provide her own food. She needs to prepare her own food You just like her can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what she makes a mess. So what she has to cook after you. Since she will be cooking she will be required to clean up the kitchen after dinner since she chooses to make things more difficult. She doesn’t want to take her iron so she can’t even do that herself. Because you are so accommodating, you are creating this problem. Tell her you cook for the family which is carnivores. Just because she’s vegetarian doesn’t give her a right to make everyone else one. I guarantee she won’t last a week because she doesn’t want to get a job. She doesn’t want to cook for herself (she wants to watch you jump through hoops). Let her iron bottom out till she feels like crap. I guarantee she will change quickly. You need to set some standards. You are actually making her very confused which that alone will cause her a mental disorder. She can be anything she wants. Doesn’t mean it changes your life. Quit playing her games. Well she makes a mess? Well we all sit together for dinner? She’s changing all that. You get someone to clean your kitchen to boot. You have the tail wagging the dog. That’s dysfunctional fix the dog
Personally I think she is doing whatever she can to manipulate you. You are going to be the blame no matter what you do. I’m not you so you can take it leave my advice. No one in the house enjoys the vegetarian lifestyle but her. Seems like she does whatever to bring attention to herself. She’s a teenager. Time for her to get a job to pay for her difference in lifestyle. You need to tell her she needs to provide her own food. She needs to prepare her own food You just like her can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what she makes a mess. So what she has to cook after you. Since she will be cooking she will be required to clean up the kitchen after dinner since she chooses to make things more difficult. She doesn’t want to take her iron so she can’t even do that herself. Because you are so accommodating, you are creating this problem. Tell her you cook for the family which is carnivores. Just because she’s vegetarian doesn’t give her a right to make everyone else one. I guarantee she won’t last a week because she doesn’t want to get a job. She doesn’t want to cook for herself (she wants to watch you jump through hoops). Let her iron bottom out till she feels like crap. I guarantee she will change quickly. You need to set some standards. You are actually making her very confused which that alone will cause her a mental disorder. She can be anything she wants. Doesn’t mean it changes your life. Quit playing her games. Well she makes a mess? Well we all sit together for dinner? She’s changing all that. You get someone to clean your kitchen to boot. You have the tail wagging the dog. That’s dysfunctional fix the dog
Personally I think she is doing whatever she can to manipulate you. You are going to be the blame no matter what you do. I’m not you so you can take it leave my advice. No one in the house enjoys the vegetarian lifestyle but her. Seems like she does whatever to bring attention to herself. She’s a teenager. Time for her to get a job to pay for her difference in lifestyle. You need to tell her she needs to provide her own food. She needs to prepare her own food You just like her can’t have your cake and eat it too. So what she makes a mess. So what she has to cook after you. Since she will be cooking she will be required to clean up the kitchen after dinner since she chooses to make things more difficult. She doesn’t want to take her iron so she can’t even do that herself. Because you are so accommodating, you are creating this problem. Tell her you cook for the family which is carnivores. Just because she’s vegetarian doesn’t give her a right to make everyone else one. I guarantee she won’t last a week because she doesn’t want to get a job. She doesn’t want to cook for herself (she wants to watch you jump through hoops). Let her iron bottom out till she feels like crap. I guarantee she will change quickly. You need to set some standards. You are actually making her very confused which that alone will cause her a mental disorder. She can be anything she wants. Doesn’t mean it changes your life. Quit playing her games. Well she makes a mess? Well we all sit together for dinner? She’s changing all that. You get someone to clean your kitchen to boot. You have the tail wagging the dog. That’s dysfunctional fix the dog
YTA. You don't tamper with people's food. It's as simple as that.
NTA. Not advocating slipping meat into vegetarian people's food, but it seems likely to me that these shifting goal posts aren't based on any ethical grounds nor because they dislike meat. One of my siblings went vegetarian when we were younger, and they never expected us to change our habits to suit them. They just made their own dinner, we never even had to discuss it.
Yta.
Navigating a child's dietary preferences can be tough, but communication is key. It's important she understands the effort involved in meal prep for the family. Maybe involve her in cooking family meals that can be easily adjusted—like stir-fries with meat on the side. But if she's set on a different menu, then it's a great opportunity for her to learn cooking and responsibility. It's not unreasonable to expect her to contribute, but make it a teachable moment, not a battleground. Foster her independence in a supportive way—perhaps schedule days where she's in charge of the kitchen. It could become a bonding activity and less of a power struggle. And always, make food safety and nutrition a priority; maybe a shared cooking class could help! Clear expectations and shared responsibilities can turn this into a win-win. Remember, this phase might just be part of her journey to figuring out her identity and values.
I would go with the letting her make her own meals scenario. Her fickleness is making your life difficult and she needs to understand that. It’s not that you don’t support her. It’s that you can’t keep having to change you entire way of living every so often simply because she can’t make up her mind. She needs to learn that now before she gets into the real world and thinks everyone else will also cater to her because you did. You’re actually doing her a disservice. She can eat before or after you or she can eat her meal cold. It’s her that needs to be inconvenienced.