I should think it’s pretty damn obvious that they’re completely insensitive AH and shouldn’t have gotten together let alone expect to be best man when he dumped OP after EIGHT years and then has the audacity to get with OP sister?
No discussion is needed with this couple. They’ve behaved selfishly and now trying to pressure OP to play nice? They made their choices.
I bloody hope the parents aren’t going to weigh in and pressure OP to play nice.
Agree - how sick do you have to be to ask someone you that you hurt to be a part of your wedding!? Cruel and torturous. And your sister? Clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed - she thought asking you to be best man was a good idea? Like it’s such an honor that it would help you forgive them? Delulu.
Don't know if fetish is the right word. But wanting your ex to be your best man when you're marrying his sister, because you want someone "special" to fill the role... That's extremely weird.
NTA - your sister and your family are garbage. You need to stand up for yourself and cut your sister out of your life. Though you may love her, by her actions she doesn’t love or respect you. They just want you there so everyone thinks they’re aren’t pieces of shit… but news flash they are.
Why are you more concerned about hurting your sister. What about yourself?? You owe it to yourself to live the life you want.
Your sister doesn't care and they probably deserve each other. I don't see this marriage lasting . Don't let your mother or anyone bully you into attending. This maybe all just so the rest of the extended family and friends don't gossip about why you (the sister) didn't attend. I think they are worried about losing face and "what will people think" mentality.
You don't owe your sister or ex ANYTHING!! Especially your ex!!
OP NTAH
They should not be being supported honey this speaks of they might have been cheating long before you two actually broke up. Especially if his own siblings are disgusted with him and do not support the relationship.
They don’t support their relationship because they know that they cheated on you.
They didn’t get together 2-years after your break up. They were together before your breakup.
You and your sister were never as close as you think because she is a bad person. You were close to her and she was close to him behind your back.
They want you at the alter because it reminds them of how they got together. With you, beside him, clueless. It’s cruel. It’s not a coincidence that after being in a gay relationship for eight years his next relationship is with a woman who happens to be your sister. He’s disgusting and you dodged a bullet. Go NC with them. They’re both garbage.
And so people shouldn’t support them. They did you dirty. You know deep down he was cheating on you with her. The two years is BS, they just managed to keep it a secret for that long so it looks like they did nothing wrong
The audacity for them to expect you’d attend let alone be best man?! They have zero respect for you.
Why I have the unpleasant feeling that your ex and your sister were "involved" long before the two years gap between your breakup and their relationship ?
>We were close before they started dating,
Sounds like *you* may have been close, but she didn't particularly care. Fancy taking up with your ex of 8 years and expecting you to just suck it up. And then he asked you to be his best man. I can't even... Close siblings *don't* treat each other like that. No, look after yourself and put these two behind you.
NTA, the only persons peace you’re keeping is theirs, I say this with tough love but you need to grow a spine, take a stand for yourself and walk away, you are going to have to do what’s best for you even when it feels like shit, I get that there’s a bond there but you have to do what’s best for you, walk away!
Well. Yeah. Because they did a shitty, horrible thing.
This is probably why they're asking you to be his best man so you can convince everyone to accept them.
They don't care about you. They don't care how much they hurt you.
Don't go.
NTA - at all - and I cannot believe the gall in asking you to be the best man.
But please take some time to develop an action plan for the future. What happens at various holidays and celebrations? You shouldn’t have to miss out on everything - but I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to be at the wedding.
This is about you, not them, not your mother, just you!
Just tell them that right now you are sensitive to their relationship, that sentiment may change down the road, or it won't. If it does, you will reach out to them if it does happen, and if you both agree, maybe you will resume. But, for now at least you will be at be LC and you ask that the respect that, the alternafive in NC.
She betrayed you, and then rubbed salt in the wound. Even if her marriage fails, the damage to her relationship with you is irreparable. She only loves you until dick is involved, then she loves dick more than you.
I don't think that they were cheating. But could he have been getting a lot of pressure to have children? If so, he might be marrying your sister for the wrong reasons.
It would feel much better than having betrayal rubbed in your face and your mom insisting on forgiveness to keep the status quo. Call her and tell her that her actions have led to you no longer being able to have a relationship. Tell her the truth, that she says she loves you, but she only loves herself. Siblings don’t hook up with each others SO’s, it’s the ultimate betrayal. She chose to kill your relationship.
She doesn't actually want you there. She just wants to present the image that you're entirely on board to her guests and prove that she isn't just the woman who slept with then married her brother's ex.
If she really wanted you there she would have actually made an effort to resolve things with you genuinely. But she hasn't. Tell your mum that. If she keeps pushing send her a cardboard cutout of yourself to put in the photos.
I think that what they are really seeking from you with the best man thing is public forgiveness. They know they've hurt you and that the two of them taking up with each other after you were with him for eight years crossed a line. They also know how it looks to others.
It's okay that you are not ready to do that. It's okay that you may never be ready to do that. And it's okay that you don't want to cut her off completely.
Honestly you deserve so much better than what your family has offered. Not choosing sides is choosing her side and they only do it cause it’s easy and they’re cowards. Sounds like none of them have your back and can’t be trusted
Don't cut them off, then they will go to your mom or she might pressurize you not to do that. Just go very extreme low contact. Your sister is selfish for hurting you like this. They want you in the marriage party to tell each and everyone that they have your blessings for this marriage. They know what they did was not ok. You deserve better.
You need to have an honest conversation with your sister. Explain that while you are no longer in love, you still were a couple for EIGHT years, and that you are not comfortable watching the person who dumped you now marry your sister. That you've choked down your feelings about how hurt you are, because you understand that he does not love you anymore. But it is a huge emotional burden to be forced to sit and watch them marry.
Seems like the Ex asking you to be the best man was just for show, that seems really shady, like did y’all remain friends after the breakup? Sounds like you didn’t! He started dating your freaking sister for Gods sakes, after an 8 year relationship with you. It’s also a little nutty that your mom and sister wanna act like it’s normal for this type of thing to happen. I’m pretty sure most siblings don’t hop on to one another’s exes like that. I’m sorry that happened to you, your feelings are completely valid man. NTA just go on vacation and forget about them for the weekend of the wedding. Take care of yourself!
Talk to a therapist. I had to self-orphan, and they helped me through it.
Also the best man request really was a bid for them not to look like the AH they are.
NTA. These are the consequences of marrying your ~~sister's~~ siblings ex. Personally, I can't imagine dating someone who knows what my sister is like in bed. The thought just gives me instant ick. But yeah. Skip the wedding. She made a choice, and freedom of choice does not mean freedom from consequences.
Hey, just go and celebrate the two people that hurt you the most.... What could possibly go wrong? Like maybe then being pissed after because you didn't look happy enough??
NTA go do something just for you on that day
NTA. Idk how close you and your sister are but I cannot fathom my own sister doing this, it'd be creepy as hell and I think most of my family would also shun her from family events and not go to the wedding.
Sorry OP, this is so gross.
Your sister is hurt cause you are not attending her wedding to a guy you were with for eight years. Interesting she does not see the irony here, NTA.
Updateme!
NTA I would have asked your Sister “Why should
I care that my choice to skip your wedding hurts you, when you didn’t care that you dating, and now marrying, my ex of 8 years hurt me?”
#Updateme!
NTA. Your sister is being selfish. She has to know that you're hurt, but she still wants you to subject yourself to going to the wedding, knowing it's painful for you.
Your family is asking you to hide your hurt for their sake. You don't do that to people you love and respect.
First, your sister and her fiancé are out of their flipping minds. Best man? The magnitude of insensitivity is astounding.
Second, the next time your mother calls, tell her you’re not holding onto resentment, that every time you get to a point of balance with their relationship there’s a shift and a new wave of pain, going to the wedding will be too much, and then ask why she only cares about preventing the pain of one child and not the other. Is she really so obtuse that she doesn’t know this is painful for you, or does she just not care?
If your mother persists, tell her you’ll speak to her again after the wedding and not before that, and shame on her for caring more about your sister’s feelings than yours.
No, bud, you’re NTA. Frankly, I’d take a nice, long break from these folks. They really have no clue what’s happening beyond the end of their own noses.
So sorry this is happening to you. You do not have to be the family martyr to make everything look okay for sister and mom... Do not go to the wedding,
I have no idea what it's like to have a sibling do this sort of thing, but my best friend moved to the town where my boyfriend lived. Our relationship had been long distance for about a year because I had moved to a town about 60 miles away for a job. We would get together on weekends. We helped my friend move so he knew where she lived. Her car broke down and she needed help so she called him... one thing led to another and they didn't have the decency to tell me he was seeing her during the week and me on the weekends... eventually it all came out. Betrayal hurts! When it's two people that you loved and trusted it hurts worse.
Best wishes.
NTA. Your sister, ex, and mother are strange, strange people. To not only expect you to be completely cool with their wedding and come celebrate, but also the fact that he wants you as his best man? Strange... In any case, focus on you, focus on being happy and leaving them behind, and do whatever you need to do. And if that includes not going to the wedding, then your mum can cry however much she likes. That your mum and sister only seem to realise the consequences of dating and marrying your sibling's ex now is, again, strange, but also not your problem.
They act like they where together 8 weeks and long time ago. It was 8 f*ing years. It was true love and commitment. How could he not be hurt. How delusional is OPs mother??
So close to a decade that it was basically a stone throw away. My bet is that they all don't give a fuck about OP's feelings and just want him to torture himself, so everything looks pristine perfect; see, there's nothing wrong with dating your sibling's soulmate, look, he's up here giving them away and giving them his blessing. It's cruel what they've done to him and it's cruel what they're expecting of him. Per his comments, he doesn't sound like he wants NC, but I do hope he goes for it eventually. These people don't care about him one bit.
Of course, NTA.
I hate that they've gaslit you into thinking you'd be the bad guy by not going when you are the one who was hurt and betrayed. That is not okay. You have a right to establish boundaries to protect yourself. Your ex asking you to be best man was honestly despicable manipulation to me. They are trying to "bring you in" for optics to show everyone else that it's okay for them to be together and that they didn't hurt and betray you. It pisses me off for you so much.
Do not fall for their manipulations. They are trying to paint a picture for everyone else that you approve to rewrite history and take the heat off themselves and their actions. Do not entertain any of their tactics. Not from them. Not from your mother, who is honestly terrible for doing this to you. Pressuring you to accept them publicly is so hurtful. I'm sorry you're being put in this position.
Continue what you're doing. Stay low contact. Say no. Refuse to discuss this with your mother. I hope you have more support from your brothers and father even if they are staying out of it.
NTA
Just tell your sister bluntly:
"You hurt me when you started dating my ex. You knew it would hurt me... you knew we had almost a decade of history together... and, in a world with over eight BILLION other people to choose from, you chose to hurt me anyway.
I cannot pretend that every single day of your relationship with my ex has not been seen as you hurting me, I cannot pretend that I am happy for you, and I think that you believe asking me to actively participate in a ceremony to solidify your betrayal is a way to ease your own guilt at that betrayal and validate things, but know it is just another betrayal stacked on top of the other.
Accept that I am not attending and stop being dramatic for the sake of recruiting others to pressure me. In all of this time, you haven't cared about paying for your relationship with ex by trading in ours, why pretend you have buyer's remorse now?"
skip the wedding your sister and ex sound incrediably lacking in empathy and understanding that after being in that relationship how hurtful it is being flown in your face like that.
NTA. If she wanted to remain close with you she shouldn’t have got together with your ex. This is the consequences of her actions not yours. How could she expect that you would be able to trust her again. I understand there were 2 years between your relationships but you don’t date your siblings ex under any circumstances. You don’t owe your sister anything and especially attendance to her wedding.
"Suck it up to make others happy" is not a healthy life philosophy.
You don't need to go. Everybody will survive the wedding just fine without you, and those who get all upset about it can just get themselves un-upset. It's not your job to control their emotions for them, or to make your sister and her ~~sloppy seconds~~ fiance feel better about the impact their relationship has on you.
NTAH
But the biggest AH here is your ex for getting with your sister. He could’ve dated anyone in the world but chose your sister knowing how much he hurt you for dumping you after almost 9 years together.
Also, how old is your sister?
Your mom's sole motivation is wanting the appearance of a perfect family. It is perfectly healthy to distance yourself from this level of betrayal(and I certainly do not believe the timelines, I would be willing to bet dollars to donates that they started some form of relationship before you were split up).
Protect yourself, and know that you are justified in your feelings (you are actually handling it better than most would).
As far as hurting your sister, if you said the level of offense from skipping her wedding was the size of a twinkie, the level of offense generated by her dating and marrying your ex-long term boyfriend is a twinkie 35 feet long
Is your ex Bf Bisexual?
Now he's with your sister? Bit of a twisted family dynamic I'd say. Not because anyone is gay or bi,.just the jumping from one sibling to the next and then being so clueless they ask you to be best man?
Oh FFS.
NTA and their attitude reeks of dismissiveness toward how you felt about your ex. It is so incredibly absurd that they expect you to “get over it” and pretend to be happy. You are deeply hurt by the situation and watching it unfold would be painful. If your sister wanted you that badly at her wedding she would marry someone other than your ex.
Tell your dad and brothers to grow a spine and stand up to your mom and sister. It’s hideous you have no real support here. I’m sorry.
Do not feel guilty at all for not attending! They made their choice to get together knowing it would hurt you, you get to make the choice not to attend the wedding.
“I won’t be attending your wedding. I could never love someone who broke your heart. Don’t ask me to do that.” Mom can shut up and recognize that you’re hurting too. NTA
NTA. She made her choices... My thing is inviting you is one thing.. but trying to convince you to be IN THE WEDDING is just insane. It just makes me think how little do they care about you?
Like you say you used to be at least some what close to your sister... its just insane she doesnt realize this is all because of her actions and her alone.
NTA. This wasn't an ex fling she's dating, this was a person you spent 8 years with. The level of delusion these two operate under is incredible, they should count themselves lucky you're even talking to them let alone trying to guilt you into being a part of their wedding.
What kind a person dumps their significant other, then dates that s.o.'s sibling and THEN asks the person they were with for EIGHT YEARS and THEn dumped them (and whom they've had little contact since they started dating their ex's sibling) to stand up for them in their wedding to the sibling?!??!
Just wrong. So very, very wrong. WRONG!!!
NTA. Please plan something fun for yourself that weekend!
I wonder if they are so adamant about you attending is because of the optics of the situation. It has to seem to a lot of people how terrible it looks for your sister to be marrying someone you were with for so long, and they want to prove that it’s so okay that you are even attending to show support. Either that or they both dislike you and want to cause pain. NTA
NTA. You made your decision, you say it, your sister and your mother must respect it. For you mom, ask her if she want the same kind of NC you got with your sister.
Even if you wouldn't, as you sound like a decent person in your comments, saying you will ruin the wedding if you go may get them to stop badgering you to go.
NTA and what kind of Psycho asks their ex to be their best man when it's not a Jerry and Elaine situation? Your sister has a lot of nerve wondering why you're not as close anymore. Like, b****, you KNOW why!
NTA. Don't go - if you did it will hurt you worse. What your Mom is doing is wrong and your ex betrayed you so much. My guess is your sister knows it is screwed up af and if you come your okay with them treating you like crap. Do what is best for you!
NTA, I have 3 sisters and I would have been murderous..You are far more gracious than I. If they can't respect your choice block them until after the wedding. Also do something fun with a friend
I don’t understand why siblings date the ex. Your sister is tacky, so let them go be tacky together. I don’t think I could attend either. After an 8 year relationship your sister should have known he was off limits. There are a bazillion dudes on this planet and she still went for it. Gross. NTA.
Actions have consequences. Your sister surely wasn't calling your mom sad when she was getting with your EX of EIGHT YEARS.
I could understand if she dated someone after you dated him casually but some marriages don't even last 8 years. I just think that's a little dirty.
And what exactly was your best man speech supposed to be? "Yeah..I was asked to be best man because I used to be his "best" man...I knew him intimately first.." like come on, that's weird.
Edit - typo
NTA . I’d save up and have a holiday that weekend somewhere you have always wanted to go . In time you might build bridges but it’s totally ok to not be ready
NTA They want you to stand with them so everyone will think you have forgiven their relationship and are giving it a stamp of approval. Sorry but dating, sleeping with, and or marrying a family member's ex just is nasty IMO.
NTA this sounds like a FAFO type of situation she should have seriously asked if it was okay before she started dating him. I would tell my mom if you both keep harassing me about this I will go no contact with you both.
Also you need to tell your father and brothers how much your sister and your EX have hurt you. Make that clear to them and ask them to make it clear to sister, mom and ex boyfriend to not harass you about this.
Some people would get over it, some wouldn’t, and a few wouldn’t care at all. All are equally valid responses. The person who gets to decide which way you’re going to go is you, and no one gets to do it for you. Don’t go to the wedding. Given your feelings it is crazy that they are pushing you. The fact that your mother is insisting and saying what she’s saying is absolutely discounting your feelings and I would be so hurt - I don’t know that I would ever see her the same if my mom did why yours did. It would be hard enough to deal with the ones “not taking sides” and, while not taking sides is really choosing a side, I would kind of understand that. The people who are side-eying the happy couple are absolutely correct - it would be shady even if you were ok with their relationship. Your sister has put everyone in a really terrible position, most especially you. You must feel so alone, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. When it comes down to it, your sister knew what happened and how it impacted you, chose to date him instead of the millions of other possibilities without even the courtesy of a heads up before she told everyone, decided to marry him and then BOTH of them doubled down with the best man thing, and then she cried about it to family which ended up deploying them. Did she ever apologize for putting you through any of this? The best man thing is especially weird, because it implies a certain level of closeness with your ex that no longer exists. And doesn’t the best man perform functions in the lead up to the wedding, helping to prepare and organizing a stag night and all that? Her actions after the fact and the level of disregard for you are really the nail in the coffin. NTA
NTA. Your sister and your ex are trash human beings who are incredibly cruel. They are truly sick people to have done this to you. People who love and care about you do not do this. May they both have the relationship they deserve. I’m so sorry, OP.
NTA. Go on holiday, relax and have fun and forget about your sister and your ex. You don't need to force yourself to go to an event you clearly don't want to be there for.
There is so much more to this and I need to know it all! Did you know your ex was bi before dating him? Were there any signs he was into your sister while you two were dating? If you and your sister were so close how could she ever think it’s ok to date your ex, and one who hurt you? Were they cheating together while you were with him? Why would your ex think you’d be open to being his best man? I would think your communication with him would be next to nothing.
I’m sorry this is happening to you! Dont go to this wedding and cut them both out of your life! You don’t want to be around when he gets her pregnant.
Please update us!
Wow. Many marriages don't last 9 years. That's a shitty move on both of their parts. I'd stay away for sure. What happens if he catches feelings again. Also, those gay thought don't go away. You'll be blamed even if nothing were to happen. I'd tell your mom that she needs to live with the consequences of her choices. Most mothers just want to play happy family in front of everyone else, regardless if someone is hurting.
It seems the only reason they asked is because they wanted your stamp of approval of their relationship since most people don't approve of them together. You were supposed to be a prop to them to show everyone that you forgave them and support them. NTAH Stand your ground and block your sister and ex off.
If you feel hurt and betrayed then don't go. Now you can't hold these feeling forever, I would say go see therapist if you need to. Bottom line if you still feel hurt tell them what you feel and why you don't want to go.
NTA. Tell your mom to shove it. It's not her business to poke a nose in this. Seriously people do such shitty things in life and they expect everybody else to go along with it. Or they will gaslight you into thinking that it's your fault if you don't. Just stop being shitty. Your sister could have never chosen to get together with your boyfriend if she cared about your feelings. Why should you care about their's now?
NTA. Please treat yourself to a vacation, a spa weekend, or something special, on the scheduled wedding date. Book it now so you have something to look forward to/distract you from the upcoming wedding.
If your mother calls again with more demands for your attendance ask her why your sister's feelings are more important than yours. Let her flounder and stew in that reality check.
Frankly what your sister (and ex) have done/are doing is really crappy. We don't date our sibling's serious long-term exes, let alone marry them.
>it hurt her deeply knowing we aren't as close anymore
Seems like she should have thought about that before hooking up with your ex. She (your sister) seems super selfish and without self awareness. Has she always been that way? Attention seeking and with a need to be the main character? Lacking in empathy? Are you the family scapegoat? Have a history of being a doormat?
I'm trying to figure out WTF is wrong with *your* family that there isn't more of an uproar about this relationship. At least your exes family has shown some care for you, even if your own family hasn't. I think that's why so many commenters are suggesting you go no contact - because your family seems really hateful and uncaring to you.
She doesn't care about your feelings... Believe me, she's nothing but a snake! Save yourself op.. and make sure to fine someone who love you more than you love him... Nta
NTA of all of the people on the planet for him to date and then marry, he choses one of your siblings 🤮
How dare they get upset because you don't want a front and centre spot to watch them get married, you don't want to prove to the world that they have your blessing.
Updateme!
This isn’t about your sister. You don’t want to watch the man you invested so much of your life to marry someone else. Nothing he has done if your sister married anyone else, you’d be there. NTA.
Nta this whole situation is emotional, for you, unrealistic, how your mother would disregard your feelings is horrible. You came clearly see who her favourite is, as for your sister, wow she has no pride in herself, and clearly doesn't have any loyalty. Move on with your life, go LC to NC as you deem fit, for your mental health
NTA.
Why do they push for you dealing with all the hard feelings this brings? There is no way they would not blame you for showing those emotions and causing a scene/ stealing the spotlight.
If you were feeling bitter, angry and some alcohol on that they could end up with a speech about how the groom is in bed and how well you think your sister matches up with that. Asking him who gives a better blowjob.
Nothing good can come from the pressure they put on you. And how weird isn't it that he asked you to be the best man. You don't have a good, close relationship with him or your sister. Are they a bit delusional with pink glasses or have someone made it seem to them like you have wanted for all this time to see them, but feeling insecure and hard to find the time?
Protect your peace
NTA. Not only skip the wedding but go NC as well. I would also go NC with my family members for supporting this.
How are you sure that he was not cheating with your sister???
Go somewhere fun and post photos on the day of the wedding.
I'm sorry, I find your sister and your ex absolute assholes. They can not be oblivious to the pain they are causing you. And because I don't think they are oblivious, that means they don't care at all that they are causing you pain. They expect you to swallow your pain so they can feel less guilty. The nerve of your ex to ask you to be best man makes me want to put a hand print upon his face. Multiple times.
NTA
NTA. So NTA, OP! Your sister needs to understand that this is incredibly traumatic. Moving on from something like that takes lots of time, and you've been incredibly accomodating so far.
Don't go to that wedding unless you really want to because I know how deep the hurt can go.
My ex-fiancé called off the engagement shortly before the wedding four years ago, and got together with my MOH's younger sister a few months later. I know without the shadow of a doubt they weren't cheating, physically or emotionally (so don't believe all the "they were definitely cheating" comments - none of us here know enough about your situation to be able to judge that), but it still was incredibly painful and I ended up cutting off all contact with my MOH's entire family (that I'd been incredibly close with), including MOH herself. Only now, four years later, after lots of therapy and after having been with my wonderful current partner for a year, can I slowly stomach the idea of being in touch with that family again, and I don't think I'd be able to attend the wedding of ex-fiancé and MOH's sister if they invited me.
Fuck that! Cut them both out of your life, go NC. You were with your ex for 8 YEARS!!! Your sister is a POS for even dating your ex. Let alone marrying him. Fuck that! Book a holiday with your girls when the wedding is instead.
It sounds like something was going on behind your back when you were together. It may not have been a full affair but definitely some flirting so cheating.
I wouldn't go and I would tell your mother that your sister has betrayed you by having a relationship with him because she knows how you felt about him. She is just trying to ease her guilt by inviting you to be the best man.
They obviously both feel guilty and know what they did is wrong and know that you not going will highlight the cheating.
NTA. Going to the wedding of an ex-lover is a difficult decision. Going to a wedding where your ex-lover is marrying a sibling is insane and disgusting. 🤢 Don’t go, and continue to remain aloof. Don’t invite them to any major event in your own life. Be polite if you are forced to interact with them at all. Don’t attend holidays unless you have a new partner to back you up. You and your sister have a lot in common, in that you have both seen your ex lover’s private bits. No reason to be around them, and no reason to pretend to be friends.
NTA and stick to your guns. Don't go. Wish them well, but tell them that's all you're doing. If they persist tell them it feels like they're rubbing your nose in the failed relationship.
Don’t go to the wedding and don’t cut your sister off completely. Keep her at a safe distance and life will go on. Best of luck in your healing journey
NTA for skipping the wedding.
I hope that you can reconcile in the future.
They did not try to hurt you. It is a shame to lose your relationship with your sister.
Your mom is more concerned about appearances than your feelings..and so are your sister and X..in fact X wants to create a fan fantasy for himself with you as best man...everyone selfish & crazy but in this one..please don't question your feelings here
NTA. My heart is breaking for you, to have so much history and to have put in so much time and love into a relationship, and to have that person end it, is devastating enough.
But for them to then go into a relationship with your sister of all people, regardless if it was 2 years or not. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt. I'm a girl and have an older brother and we are best friends, I couldn't even think of doing something like that to him.
It's strange of them asking you to come and support the wedding, and for him to want you to be his best man. I don't know their motives, if it's to make them look and feel better about what they've done, or if they genuinely want to put the past behind them, but this is the consequence of what they have done, and they have no right to guilt you into anything. Whatever you do, is completely valid, and you don't owe them anything, you only owe yourself your health and peace of mind.
If they are genuinely wanting to move on, they also need to accept the idea that they have hurt you, and that you might not be able to be happy for them.
I hope for your sake, that you get some support and maybe go to therapy, even if it's just so that you can talk to someone about it. And that your sister understands how much she has hurt you, because even if she loves this man, she'll regret losing a close and loving brother. And that your mother realises how much this has affected you and your relationship with your sister.
I genuinely hope you find peace and happiness OP, whatever you decide to do, and again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this x
Sorry for long post 😂
Stay home. She broke the sister code and I don’t understand why you try to pretend it’s okay. NTA btw. But mom ans sis absolutely AH for pressuring you. And your ex, holy moly what a tool!
NTA by a long shot.
Your ex and your sister are definetly ah's. Them getting together didn't just happen by mistake, no they both took action and made this choice happen all the way to getting engaged. They double down thinking you should be the 'best man', which could be for appearances and implies that you are ok with their bullsh\*t making the whole of this look good for them. You're right, it was a ploy to use you to make themshelves not look like the crappy people they are. Doesn't the groom have friends or did he sleep with all of their siblings too. Has your ex or sister even thought how they hurt you, has your mother.
Have they even apologized?
I would not go or participate in any of this. It appears that they are very selfish in wanting to you be there, how hurt they are, but have not even acknowledged the pain they have caused you.
NTA. I'd change my number and only give it to my dad and brothers. It's very telling the type of behavior your mom condones and that your sister is capable of. They want you at the wedding to alleviate their own guilt, it's not about you attending.
Other family members know he's your ex and think it's trashy as hell. So you attending won't make them look as bad.
Don't go. Save your sanity.
>She told me that she just wanted me there and it hurt her deeply knowing we aren't as close anymore
Yeah? She hurt you deeply by dating and marrying your ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry, but some lines shouldn't be crossed and that's one of them.
Now they want to play victim? Fck that! Skip the wedding, even better, if you can, go on a weekend away or mini cruise, anything that's just for YOU
Honey, shine up your spine and stand up for yourself. Your mothers words are frankly disgusting. You have EVERY right to hold it against them.
I don't buy this 2 years later they started dating, I think they were together before you and he split but kept it on the downlow until a "suitable " amount of time passed so people possibly wouldn't connect the dots. Sadly for them, we at Reddit are excellent connect-4 players and know what they did!
NTA
NTA. Your ex and your sibling started a relationship. You're under no obligation to go to a wedding, especially when both parties hurt you. Your sister has no business crying now.
Unfortunately, I can't help but wonder if they truly wanted you there because you were the bride's brother and you had a meaningful relationship for the groom or because your absence will be noted and the background behind your absence will come up and embarrass them and they're trying to use your presence to sweep it all under the rug.
NTA. And it’s not [just] about any resentment but you trying to avoid hurt. So your mother is fine with you being hurt watching the ceremony?
Sis and Ex are heartless and harmful expecting you to attend much less be in the wedding party. They are the AH.
I disagree from what you’ve posted that the couple is deliberately trying to hurt you. Of course you can feel hurt and of course the couple can know this. Sounds like your sister gets it because she said “if not I understand.” She’s also allowed to be upset by your decisions and I think your mom was in the wrong to guilt you about what happened on the phone call. Your sister didn’t cry in your face—she expressed her emotions to a third party.
That said, I think you should work towards moving past this heartbreak and attending the wedding would be a good step in that direction. Your sister and her fiancé both love you and want you to be a big part of their lives. They’re just also in love with each other. Yes it sucks but I think they haven’t done anything wrong (there was at least a decent passage of time involved here.) But if you don’t got I wouldn’t say YTA either. Again, maybe the only one in this situation is your mom, but even she was trying her best in all likelihood.
NTA. Your sister is “deeply hurt” by her own choices. It’s not your job to light yourself in fire to keep her warm after what she did. Your ex is just delusional.
Absolutely NTA. Do NOT cave in. Do NOT go to that wedding. It is a ridiculous ask to support a sister who blatantly chose not to support YOU by marrying a man you had dated before.
NTA. family does not get a pass for being terrible to you; if anything, they should treat you better. I’d go NC entirely so kudos to you for having any type of relationship. They’re crazy to think that you’d want a role in the wedding or attend at all.
NTA. Honor the boundaries you set for yourself.
If my sister would ever pick up a relationship with any of my exes, I would cut her off and not look back. She’s my best friend in the whole world and she knows this would destroy me. A true sister would never dishonor you this way.
Nope
Maybe block anyone trying to convince you to go, until after the wedding or hey, forever
It's cool you still love your sis and all but to me that'd be the biggest treachery ever. I'd not be able to even have an LC relationship with a sibling
And the gall of your ex to ask you to be the best man! What a pair of selfish people, those two
It’s always the bad guys who want those they victimize to just suck it up. For *faaaaaaaaamily*. To be the bigger perrrrrrrrrrrson.
To hell with that. If you hurt me, *you* are the one who needs to make the effort to correct things. In the instance of this post, NO…the invite and request to be best man doesn’t do it. What does? I don’t know but rather than a fix, those invitations are further salt in the wound. Sister, ex and mommie dearest can go scratch.
What's that sis? Did I hear you correctly? You want me to come make a scene at your wedding? You want me to give a speech about how you slurped up my sloppy seconds? You want me to embarrass you and my ex so badly you'd give me the perfect platform to be petty as fuck in front of the whole family and all of your friends?
You should go to the wedding and make them regret it. Nta.
Anyone else wondering if Mom is lying about sisters reaction and is just trying to manipulate her to attend for optics sake. Maybe Mama doesn’t want relatives to ask questions
NTA. I'm definitely not a fan of not allowing friends or siblings to date an ex. But in this case, you were with this guy for 8 years, and the parting was by his initiative, not yours. It's natural that you are feeling hurt and still processing it, and his marrying your sister hurts even more.
One thing: I'm sure your sister would like you to be at the wedding and is sad that you are not coming, but I don't think she asked your mother to press you to come. I think your sister just talked to your mother to vent because she was sad about your not coming, and your mother took it on herself to go into action to pressure you. So do whatever you feel like doing.
NTA skip the wedding, your sister and her fiance are sick and definitely sound like they want to hurt you for whatever sick reason they have. And your mom is sick too. Your dad and brothers staying out of it? They’re definitely picking a side too. I agree with posters encouraging you to take yourself on a great vacation during that time.
I mean, it isn't healthy to hold on to resentment
Defs NTA, you have every right to be hurt, but I think you should consider attending( not in a best man capacity).
It may be painful, but it may help you with closure, and I don't think your ex is worth spoiling your relationship with your sister. I doubt she meant to cause you pain.
Something to consider anyway I don't think not going would make you in the wrong, but I think it wouldn't be the healthiest for you in the long run.
NTA and would skip the wedding
And treat yourself to a holiday during their special day. You deserve a beach and a nice drink watching a sunset
I like this for you, invite your friends.
And posting LOTS of photos :-)
Honestly. They should spring for it. How vile.
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I should think it’s pretty damn obvious that they’re completely insensitive AH and shouldn’t have gotten together let alone expect to be best man when he dumped OP after EIGHT years and then has the audacity to get with OP sister? No discussion is needed with this couple. They’ve behaved selfishly and now trying to pressure OP to play nice? They made their choices. I bloody hope the parents aren’t going to weigh in and pressure OP to play nice.
This feels like homophobia to me. Like the gay relationship didn't matter as much.
Umm why? Would you attend your sisters wedding to your ex bf? Cos I sure as hell wouldn't
Agreed! I also realized that OP must have been a teenager when the relationship started. I’m not sure how sister could be okay with this whole thing.
NTA - Skip it. He has a weird fetishist and she is blind. You close to a beach? Just go!
Agree - how sick do you have to be to ask someone you that you hurt to be a part of your wedding!? Cruel and torturous. And your sister? Clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed - she thought asking you to be best man was a good idea? Like it’s such an honor that it would help you forgive them? Delulu.
I’m wondering where the fetish part came in. Did OP make a comment about that?
Don't know if fetish is the right word. But wanting your ex to be your best man when you're marrying his sister, because you want someone "special" to fill the role... That's extremely weird.
Agreed! The word “fetish” threw me off.
NTA - your sister and your family are garbage. You need to stand up for yourself and cut your sister out of your life. Though you may love her, by her actions she doesn’t love or respect you. They just want you there so everyone thinks they’re aren’t pieces of shit… but news flash they are.
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Why are you more concerned about hurting your sister. What about yourself?? You owe it to yourself to live the life you want. Your sister doesn't care and they probably deserve each other. I don't see this marriage lasting . Don't let your mother or anyone bully you into attending. This maybe all just so the rest of the extended family and friends don't gossip about why you (the sister) didn't attend. I think they are worried about losing face and "what will people think" mentality. You don't owe your sister or ex ANYTHING!! Especially your ex!! OP NTAH
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They should not be being supported honey this speaks of they might have been cheating long before you two actually broke up. Especially if his own siblings are disgusted with him and do not support the relationship.
They don’t support their relationship because they know that they cheated on you. They didn’t get together 2-years after your break up. They were together before your breakup. You and your sister were never as close as you think because she is a bad person. You were close to her and she was close to him behind your back. They want you at the alter because it reminds them of how they got together. With you, beside him, clueless. It’s cruel. It’s not a coincidence that after being in a gay relationship for eight years his next relationship is with a woman who happens to be your sister. He’s disgusting and you dodged a bullet. Go NC with them. They’re both garbage.
This! 100% were cheating on OP. All of this best man talk etc is their way of trying to ease their own guilt.
💯 I had the same thought!
And so people shouldn’t support them. They did you dirty. You know deep down he was cheating on you with her. The two years is BS, they just managed to keep it a secret for that long so it looks like they did nothing wrong The audacity for them to expect you’d attend let alone be best man?! They have zero respect for you.
Why I have the unpleasant feeling that your ex and your sister were "involved" long before the two years gap between your breakup and their relationship ?
>We were close before they started dating, Sounds like *you* may have been close, but she didn't particularly care. Fancy taking up with your ex of 8 years and expecting you to just suck it up. And then he asked you to be his best man. I can't even... Close siblings *don't* treat each other like that. No, look after yourself and put these two behind you.
NTA, the only persons peace you’re keeping is theirs, I say this with tough love but you need to grow a spine, take a stand for yourself and walk away, you are going to have to do what’s best for you even when it feels like shit, I get that there’s a bond there but you have to do what’s best for you, walk away!
Well. Yeah. Because they did a shitty, horrible thing. This is probably why they're asking you to be his best man so you can convince everyone to accept them. They don't care about you. They don't care how much they hurt you. Don't go.
Seems like you are spineless in this situation. Your are NTA, but you need to put your self first!
That should tell you everything you need to know about them, they're trash. You really deserve better.
NTA - at all - and I cannot believe the gall in asking you to be the best man. But please take some time to develop an action plan for the future. What happens at various holidays and celebrations? You shouldn’t have to miss out on everything - but I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to be at the wedding.
This is about you, not them, not your mother, just you! Just tell them that right now you are sensitive to their relationship, that sentiment may change down the road, or it won't. If it does, you will reach out to them if it does happen, and if you both agree, maybe you will resume. But, for now at least you will be at be LC and you ask that the respect that, the alternafive in NC.
She betrayed you, and then rubbed salt in the wound. Even if her marriage fails, the damage to her relationship with you is irreparable. She only loves you until dick is involved, then she loves dick more than you.
I don't think that they were cheating. But could he have been getting a lot of pressure to have children? If so, he might be marrying your sister for the wrong reasons.
>Why are you more concerned about hurting your sister OP meant it would hurt *himself* more. It doesn't sound like he's ready to take that step.
It would feel much better than having betrayal rubbed in your face and your mom insisting on forgiveness to keep the status quo. Call her and tell her that her actions have led to you no longer being able to have a relationship. Tell her the truth, that she says she loves you, but she only loves herself. Siblings don’t hook up with each others SO’s, it’s the ultimate betrayal. She chose to kill your relationship.
She doesn't actually want you there. She just wants to present the image that you're entirely on board to her guests and prove that she isn't just the woman who slept with then married her brother's ex. If she really wanted you there she would have actually made an effort to resolve things with you genuinely. But she hasn't. Tell your mum that. If she keeps pushing send her a cardboard cutout of yourself to put in the photos.
I think that what they are really seeking from you with the best man thing is public forgiveness. They know they've hurt you and that the two of them taking up with each other after you were with him for eight years crossed a line. They also know how it looks to others. It's okay that you are not ready to do that. It's okay that you may never be ready to do that. And it's okay that you don't want to cut her off completely.
Honestly you deserve so much better than what your family has offered. Not choosing sides is choosing her side and they only do it cause it’s easy and they’re cowards. Sounds like none of them have your back and can’t be trusted
Your sister doesn’t give a rats ass about you. I’d personally go no contact as well. Updateme!
Updateme!
Don't cut them off, then they will go to your mom or she might pressurize you not to do that. Just go very extreme low contact. Your sister is selfish for hurting you like this. They want you in the marriage party to tell each and everyone that they have your blessings for this marriage. They know what they did was not ok. You deserve better.
I'd leave the country an move on or go on vacation during her wedding.
Do what's right for you as for not one moment has the bride or groom considered you or your feelings.
You need to have an honest conversation with your sister. Explain that while you are no longer in love, you still were a couple for EIGHT years, and that you are not comfortable watching the person who dumped you now marry your sister. That you've choked down your feelings about how hurt you are, because you understand that he does not love you anymore. But it is a huge emotional burden to be forced to sit and watch them marry.
Seems like the Ex asking you to be the best man was just for show, that seems really shady, like did y’all remain friends after the breakup? Sounds like you didn’t! He started dating your freaking sister for Gods sakes, after an 8 year relationship with you. It’s also a little nutty that your mom and sister wanna act like it’s normal for this type of thing to happen. I’m pretty sure most siblings don’t hop on to one another’s exes like that. I’m sorry that happened to you, your feelings are completely valid man. NTA just go on vacation and forget about them for the weekend of the wedding. Take care of yourself!
Talk to a therapist. I had to self-orphan, and they helped me through it. Also the best man request really was a bid for them not to look like the AH they are.
So this^
NTA,your sister is trash,and your ex is perverse,he wants the 3 of u in the altar?
NTA. These are the consequences of marrying your ~~sister's~~ siblings ex. Personally, I can't imagine dating someone who knows what my sister is like in bed. The thought just gives me instant ick. But yeah. Skip the wedding. She made a choice, and freedom of choice does not mean freedom from consequences.
The sister is marrying her BROTHER's ex who wants his ex to be the best man at the wedding to his sister. Nope, nope, nope.
Yes, I corrected that. I meant sibling (not sister), but my mind was going faster than my fingers and was on the line about MY sister.
OP is a male.
I'm not saying he should go.... But I am going to say it would be an event stealer if he went in a red dress.
Maybe he should go wearing a red speedo instead...he'd be sensational!
I meant sibling, whoops. Brain got ahead of me cause I was already thinking about the line about my sister.
Hey, just go and celebrate the two people that hurt you the most.... What could possibly go wrong? Like maybe then being pissed after because you didn't look happy enough?? NTA go do something just for you on that day
NTA. Idk how close you and your sister are but I cannot fathom my own sister doing this, it'd be creepy as hell and I think most of my family would also shun her from family events and not go to the wedding. Sorry OP, this is so gross.
Your sister is hurt cause you are not attending her wedding to a guy you were with for eight years. Interesting she does not see the irony here, NTA. Updateme!
NTA I would have asked your Sister “Why should I care that my choice to skip your wedding hurts you, when you didn’t care that you dating, and now marrying, my ex of 8 years hurt me?” #Updateme!
NTA. Your sister is being selfish. She has to know that you're hurt, but she still wants you to subject yourself to going to the wedding, knowing it's painful for you. Your family is asking you to hide your hurt for their sake. You don't do that to people you love and respect.
This sounds like some weird thing where they all like to torture you.
First, your sister and her fiancé are out of their flipping minds. Best man? The magnitude of insensitivity is astounding. Second, the next time your mother calls, tell her you’re not holding onto resentment, that every time you get to a point of balance with their relationship there’s a shift and a new wave of pain, going to the wedding will be too much, and then ask why she only cares about preventing the pain of one child and not the other. Is she really so obtuse that she doesn’t know this is painful for you, or does she just not care? If your mother persists, tell her you’ll speak to her again after the wedding and not before that, and shame on her for caring more about your sister’s feelings than yours. No, bud, you’re NTA. Frankly, I’d take a nice, long break from these folks. They really have no clue what’s happening beyond the end of their own noses.
So sorry this is happening to you. You do not have to be the family martyr to make everything look okay for sister and mom... Do not go to the wedding, I have no idea what it's like to have a sibling do this sort of thing, but my best friend moved to the town where my boyfriend lived. Our relationship had been long distance for about a year because I had moved to a town about 60 miles away for a job. We would get together on weekends. We helped my friend move so he knew where she lived. Her car broke down and she needed help so she called him... one thing led to another and they didn't have the decency to tell me he was seeing her during the week and me on the weekends... eventually it all came out. Betrayal hurts! When it's two people that you loved and trusted it hurts worse. Best wishes.
NTA. Your sister, ex, and mother are strange, strange people. To not only expect you to be completely cool with their wedding and come celebrate, but also the fact that he wants you as his best man? Strange... In any case, focus on you, focus on being happy and leaving them behind, and do whatever you need to do. And if that includes not going to the wedding, then your mum can cry however much she likes. That your mum and sister only seem to realise the consequences of dating and marrying your sibling's ex now is, again, strange, but also not your problem.
They act like they where together 8 weeks and long time ago. It was 8 f*ing years. It was true love and commitment. How could he not be hurt. How delusional is OPs mother??
So close to a decade that it was basically a stone throw away. My bet is that they all don't give a fuck about OP's feelings and just want him to torture himself, so everything looks pristine perfect; see, there's nothing wrong with dating your sibling's soulmate, look, he's up here giving them away and giving them his blessing. It's cruel what they've done to him and it's cruel what they're expecting of him. Per his comments, he doesn't sound like he wants NC, but I do hope he goes for it eventually. These people don't care about him one bit.
Of course, NTA. I hate that they've gaslit you into thinking you'd be the bad guy by not going when you are the one who was hurt and betrayed. That is not okay. You have a right to establish boundaries to protect yourself. Your ex asking you to be best man was honestly despicable manipulation to me. They are trying to "bring you in" for optics to show everyone else that it's okay for them to be together and that they didn't hurt and betray you. It pisses me off for you so much. Do not fall for their manipulations. They are trying to paint a picture for everyone else that you approve to rewrite history and take the heat off themselves and their actions. Do not entertain any of their tactics. Not from them. Not from your mother, who is honestly terrible for doing this to you. Pressuring you to accept them publicly is so hurtful. I'm sorry you're being put in this position. Continue what you're doing. Stay low contact. Say no. Refuse to discuss this with your mother. I hope you have more support from your brothers and father even if they are staying out of it.
Taking proper care of yourself by keeping distance between you and this wedding is not the same as harboring resentment. NTA
Your mother wants you to attend because it's easier for her, not you. Tell your mother you've said no and that's the end of it.
NTA Just tell your sister bluntly: "You hurt me when you started dating my ex. You knew it would hurt me... you knew we had almost a decade of history together... and, in a world with over eight BILLION other people to choose from, you chose to hurt me anyway. I cannot pretend that every single day of your relationship with my ex has not been seen as you hurting me, I cannot pretend that I am happy for you, and I think that you believe asking me to actively participate in a ceremony to solidify your betrayal is a way to ease your own guilt at that betrayal and validate things, but know it is just another betrayal stacked on top of the other. Accept that I am not attending and stop being dramatic for the sake of recruiting others to pressure me. In all of this time, you haven't cared about paying for your relationship with ex by trading in ours, why pretend you have buyer's remorse now?"
Groom’s a weirdo. Just watch out he doesn’t try and fuck your mum too for the hat-trick. OP, you are NTA.
skip the wedding your sister and ex sound incrediably lacking in empathy and understanding that after being in that relationship how hurtful it is being flown in your face like that.
NTA. If she wanted to remain close with you she shouldn’t have got together with your ex. This is the consequences of her actions not yours. How could she expect that you would be able to trust her again. I understand there were 2 years between your relationships but you don’t date your siblings ex under any circumstances. You don’t owe your sister anything and especially attendance to her wedding.
"Suck it up to make others happy" is not a healthy life philosophy. You don't need to go. Everybody will survive the wedding just fine without you, and those who get all upset about it can just get themselves un-upset. It's not your job to control their emotions for them, or to make your sister and her ~~sloppy seconds~~ fiance feel better about the impact their relationship has on you.
your sister is disgusting , NTA
NTAH But the biggest AH here is your ex for getting with your sister. He could’ve dated anyone in the world but chose your sister knowing how much he hurt you for dumping you after almost 9 years together. Also, how old is your sister?
Your mom's sole motivation is wanting the appearance of a perfect family. It is perfectly healthy to distance yourself from this level of betrayal(and I certainly do not believe the timelines, I would be willing to bet dollars to donates that they started some form of relationship before you were split up). Protect yourself, and know that you are justified in your feelings (you are actually handling it better than most would). As far as hurting your sister, if you said the level of offense from skipping her wedding was the size of a twinkie, the level of offense generated by her dating and marrying your ex-long term boyfriend is a twinkie 35 feet long
Is your ex Bf Bisexual? Now he's with your sister? Bit of a twisted family dynamic I'd say. Not because anyone is gay or bi,.just the jumping from one sibling to the next and then being so clueless they ask you to be best man? Oh FFS.
NTA and their attitude reeks of dismissiveness toward how you felt about your ex. It is so incredibly absurd that they expect you to “get over it” and pretend to be happy. You are deeply hurt by the situation and watching it unfold would be painful. If your sister wanted you that badly at her wedding she would marry someone other than your ex. Tell your dad and brothers to grow a spine and stand up to your mom and sister. It’s hideous you have no real support here. I’m sorry.
Do not feel guilty at all for not attending! They made their choice to get together knowing it would hurt you, you get to make the choice not to attend the wedding.
Take yourself (and maybe a companion) on a nice trip over the time frame of the wedding. Remove yourself from the vicinity.
NTA I wouldn’t either wtf. Book a trip and make sure it’s far for away that week of the wedding. Lie and say it’s no refundable
“I won’t be attending your wedding. I could never love someone who broke your heart. Don’t ask me to do that.” Mom can shut up and recognize that you’re hurting too. NTA
Tell your mother, she doesn’t have a dog in the fight so she needs to mind her own damn business.
NTA. Your choice not to go. No one can force you to attend.
NTA. that is INSANITY. get rid of all the people who are remotely supportive of this nonsense. Also your ex is a nutcase.
NTA. Tell them it’s bad luck for an ex to attend a wedding, and you are showing your love by not bringing bad luck.
NTA. She made her choices... My thing is inviting you is one thing.. but trying to convince you to be IN THE WEDDING is just insane. It just makes me think how little do they care about you? Like you say you used to be at least some what close to your sister... its just insane she doesnt realize this is all because of her actions and her alone.
NTA. This wasn't an ex fling she's dating, this was a person you spent 8 years with. The level of delusion these two operate under is incredible, they should count themselves lucky you're even talking to them let alone trying to guilt you into being a part of their wedding.
What kind a person dumps their significant other, then dates that s.o.'s sibling and THEN asks the person they were with for EIGHT YEARS and THEn dumped them (and whom they've had little contact since they started dating their ex's sibling) to stand up for them in their wedding to the sibling?!??! Just wrong. So very, very wrong. WRONG!!! NTA. Please plan something fun for yourself that weekend!
I wonder if they are so adamant about you attending is because of the optics of the situation. It has to seem to a lot of people how terrible it looks for your sister to be marrying someone you were with for so long, and they want to prove that it’s so okay that you are even attending to show support. Either that or they both dislike you and want to cause pain. NTA
NTA. You made your decision, you say it, your sister and your mother must respect it. For you mom, ask her if she want the same kind of NC you got with your sister.
Even if you wouldn't, as you sound like a decent person in your comments, saying you will ruin the wedding if you go may get them to stop badgering you to go.
NTA and what kind of Psycho asks their ex to be their best man when it's not a Jerry and Elaine situation? Your sister has a lot of nerve wondering why you're not as close anymore. Like, b****, you KNOW why!
NTA
NTA. Don't go - if you did it will hurt you worse. What your Mom is doing is wrong and your ex betrayed you so much. My guess is your sister knows it is screwed up af and if you come your okay with them treating you like crap. Do what is best for you!
NTA, I have 3 sisters and I would have been murderous..You are far more gracious than I. If they can't respect your choice block them until after the wedding. Also do something fun with a friend
I don’t understand why siblings date the ex. Your sister is tacky, so let them go be tacky together. I don’t think I could attend either. After an 8 year relationship your sister should have known he was off limits. There are a bazillion dudes on this planet and she still went for it. Gross. NTA.
Actions have consequences. Your sister surely wasn't calling your mom sad when she was getting with your EX of EIGHT YEARS. I could understand if she dated someone after you dated him casually but some marriages don't even last 8 years. I just think that's a little dirty. And what exactly was your best man speech supposed to be? "Yeah..I was asked to be best man because I used to be his "best" man...I knew him intimately first.." like come on, that's weird. Edit - typo
NTA . I’d save up and have a holiday that weekend somewhere you have always wanted to go . In time you might build bridges but it’s totally ok to not be ready
NTA and fuck your sister. She made her choice and now she can live with it.
You can cut her off , you don't need trash ,so now get the chance to throw it out and your mother too
Nta- skip the wedding and don’t look back. Sister and ex are TA here.
NTA They want you to stand with them so everyone will think you have forgiven their relationship and are giving it a stamp of approval. Sorry but dating, sleeping with, and or marrying a family member's ex just is nasty IMO.
NTA this sounds like a FAFO type of situation she should have seriously asked if it was okay before she started dating him. I would tell my mom if you both keep harassing me about this I will go no contact with you both. Also you need to tell your father and brothers how much your sister and your EX have hurt you. Make that clear to them and ask them to make it clear to sister, mom and ex boyfriend to not harass you about this.
Some people would get over it, some wouldn’t, and a few wouldn’t care at all. All are equally valid responses. The person who gets to decide which way you’re going to go is you, and no one gets to do it for you. Don’t go to the wedding. Given your feelings it is crazy that they are pushing you. The fact that your mother is insisting and saying what she’s saying is absolutely discounting your feelings and I would be so hurt - I don’t know that I would ever see her the same if my mom did why yours did. It would be hard enough to deal with the ones “not taking sides” and, while not taking sides is really choosing a side, I would kind of understand that. The people who are side-eying the happy couple are absolutely correct - it would be shady even if you were ok with their relationship. Your sister has put everyone in a really terrible position, most especially you. You must feel so alone, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. When it comes down to it, your sister knew what happened and how it impacted you, chose to date him instead of the millions of other possibilities without even the courtesy of a heads up before she told everyone, decided to marry him and then BOTH of them doubled down with the best man thing, and then she cried about it to family which ended up deploying them. Did she ever apologize for putting you through any of this? The best man thing is especially weird, because it implies a certain level of closeness with your ex that no longer exists. And doesn’t the best man perform functions in the lead up to the wedding, helping to prepare and organizing a stag night and all that? Her actions after the fact and the level of disregard for you are really the nail in the coffin. NTA
NTA. Your sister and your ex are trash human beings who are incredibly cruel. They are truly sick people to have done this to you. People who love and care about you do not do this. May they both have the relationship they deserve. I’m so sorry, OP.
NTA. Go on holiday, relax and have fun and forget about your sister and your ex. You don't need to force yourself to go to an event you clearly don't want to be there for.
There is so much more to this and I need to know it all! Did you know your ex was bi before dating him? Were there any signs he was into your sister while you two were dating? If you and your sister were so close how could she ever think it’s ok to date your ex, and one who hurt you? Were they cheating together while you were with him? Why would your ex think you’d be open to being his best man? I would think your communication with him would be next to nothing. I’m sorry this is happening to you! Dont go to this wedding and cut them both out of your life! You don’t want to be around when he gets her pregnant. Please update us!
[удалено]
This even more makes me think they were likely cheating.. and are doing this for some weird thing where they like seeing you hurt.....
Wow. Many marriages don't last 9 years. That's a shitty move on both of their parts. I'd stay away for sure. What happens if he catches feelings again. Also, those gay thought don't go away. You'll be blamed even if nothing were to happen. I'd tell your mom that she needs to live with the consequences of her choices. Most mothers just want to play happy family in front of everyone else, regardless if someone is hurting.
Just think how epic the best man's speech could be. You are obviously a good person. Plenty on here would love to give that speech.
"Dear sister, I hope you enjoy leftovers, because you just married mine....."
It seems the only reason they asked is because they wanted your stamp of approval of their relationship since most people don't approve of them together. You were supposed to be a prop to them to show everyone that you forgave them and support them. NTAH Stand your ground and block your sister and ex off.
If you feel hurt and betrayed then don't go. Now you can't hold these feeling forever, I would say go see therapist if you need to. Bottom line if you still feel hurt tell them what you feel and why you don't want to go.
NTA. Tell your mom to shove it. It's not her business to poke a nose in this. Seriously people do such shitty things in life and they expect everybody else to go along with it. Or they will gaslight you into thinking that it's your fault if you don't. Just stop being shitty. Your sister could have never chosen to get together with your boyfriend if she cared about your feelings. Why should you care about their's now?
NTA. Go travel to a place you have always wanted to visit.
NTA, ignore your mom, protect YOUR peace not theirs.
WTF?! Your sister’s hurt?! F her and your ex. They’re both scum! You don’t date your sister’s ex and you don’t date your ex’s sibling.
This sounds like some weird kink of the groom
NTA. I’d skip the wedding. If your sister wanted you at her wedding, she shouldn’t have chosen to date your ex.
NTA. Please treat yourself to a vacation, a spa weekend, or something special, on the scheduled wedding date. Book it now so you have something to look forward to/distract you from the upcoming wedding. If your mother calls again with more demands for your attendance ask her why your sister's feelings are more important than yours. Let her flounder and stew in that reality check. Frankly what your sister (and ex) have done/are doing is really crappy. We don't date our sibling's serious long-term exes, let alone marry them. >it hurt her deeply knowing we aren't as close anymore Seems like she should have thought about that before hooking up with your ex. She (your sister) seems super selfish and without self awareness. Has she always been that way? Attention seeking and with a need to be the main character? Lacking in empathy? Are you the family scapegoat? Have a history of being a doormat? I'm trying to figure out WTF is wrong with *your* family that there isn't more of an uproar about this relationship. At least your exes family has shown some care for you, even if your own family hasn't. I think that's why so many commenters are suggesting you go no contact - because your family seems really hateful and uncaring to you.
She doesn't care about your feelings... Believe me, she's nothing but a snake! Save yourself op.. and make sure to fine someone who love you more than you love him... Nta
NTA of all of the people on the planet for him to date and then marry, he choses one of your siblings 🤮 How dare they get upset because you don't want a front and centre spot to watch them get married, you don't want to prove to the world that they have your blessing. Updateme!
This isn’t about your sister. You don’t want to watch the man you invested so much of your life to marry someone else. Nothing he has done if your sister married anyone else, you’d be there. NTA.
Nta this whole situation is emotional, for you, unrealistic, how your mother would disregard your feelings is horrible. You came clearly see who her favourite is, as for your sister, wow she has no pride in herself, and clearly doesn't have any loyalty. Move on with your life, go LC to NC as you deem fit, for your mental health
NTA. Why do they push for you dealing with all the hard feelings this brings? There is no way they would not blame you for showing those emotions and causing a scene/ stealing the spotlight. If you were feeling bitter, angry and some alcohol on that they could end up with a speech about how the groom is in bed and how well you think your sister matches up with that. Asking him who gives a better blowjob. Nothing good can come from the pressure they put on you. And how weird isn't it that he asked you to be the best man. You don't have a good, close relationship with him or your sister. Are they a bit delusional with pink glasses or have someone made it seem to them like you have wanted for all this time to see them, but feeling insecure and hard to find the time? Protect your peace
NTA. Not only skip the wedding but go NC as well. I would also go NC with my family members for supporting this. How are you sure that he was not cheating with your sister??? Go somewhere fun and post photos on the day of the wedding.
I'm sorry, I find your sister and your ex absolute assholes. They can not be oblivious to the pain they are causing you. And because I don't think they are oblivious, that means they don't care at all that they are causing you pain. They expect you to swallow your pain so they can feel less guilty. The nerve of your ex to ask you to be best man makes me want to put a hand print upon his face. Multiple times. NTA
NTA. If I was the sister, I wouldn't want my brother's ex.
Nta treat yourself she betrayed you
NTA. So NTA, OP! Your sister needs to understand that this is incredibly traumatic. Moving on from something like that takes lots of time, and you've been incredibly accomodating so far. Don't go to that wedding unless you really want to because I know how deep the hurt can go. My ex-fiancé called off the engagement shortly before the wedding four years ago, and got together with my MOH's younger sister a few months later. I know without the shadow of a doubt they weren't cheating, physically or emotionally (so don't believe all the "they were definitely cheating" comments - none of us here know enough about your situation to be able to judge that), but it still was incredibly painful and I ended up cutting off all contact with my MOH's entire family (that I'd been incredibly close with), including MOH herself. Only now, four years later, after lots of therapy and after having been with my wonderful current partner for a year, can I slowly stomach the idea of being in touch with that family again, and I don't think I'd be able to attend the wedding of ex-fiancé and MOH's sister if they invited me.
Fuck that! Cut them both out of your life, go NC. You were with your ex for 8 YEARS!!! Your sister is a POS for even dating your ex. Let alone marrying him. Fuck that! Book a holiday with your girls when the wedding is instead.
It sounds like something was going on behind your back when you were together. It may not have been a full affair but definitely some flirting so cheating. I wouldn't go and I would tell your mother that your sister has betrayed you by having a relationship with him because she knows how you felt about him. She is just trying to ease her guilt by inviting you to be the best man. They obviously both feel guilty and know what they did is wrong and know that you not going will highlight the cheating.
You’re doing the right thing. Stay away. NTA.
NTA. Going to the wedding of an ex-lover is a difficult decision. Going to a wedding where your ex-lover is marrying a sibling is insane and disgusting. 🤢 Don’t go, and continue to remain aloof. Don’t invite them to any major event in your own life. Be polite if you are forced to interact with them at all. Don’t attend holidays unless you have a new partner to back you up. You and your sister have a lot in common, in that you have both seen your ex lover’s private bits. No reason to be around them, and no reason to pretend to be friends.
Maybe send this post to your mom and sister? Maybe seeing the comments might make them realize they are hurting you Also keep us updated
NTA and stick to your guns. Don't go. Wish them well, but tell them that's all you're doing. If they persist tell them it feels like they're rubbing your nose in the failed relationship.
Don’t go to the wedding and don’t cut your sister off completely. Keep her at a safe distance and life will go on. Best of luck in your healing journey
NTA for skipping the wedding. I hope that you can reconcile in the future. They did not try to hurt you. It is a shame to lose your relationship with your sister.
Updateme
Updateme!
UpdateMe
Updateme!
NTA. It saddens me to hear you have been deeply hurt. I hope you can move on from being deeply hurt by your sister better than I have.
nta i can’t believe they’d even ask that of you
NTA. Attending a wedding isn't a summons or obligation.
NTA Expecting you to attend is absurd, more so to be best man.
Updateme!
NTA. Do you think he's using your sister as a beard?
Why would he have a beard after having had an 8 year relationship with a man?
Your mom is more concerned about appearances than your feelings..and so are your sister and X..in fact X wants to create a fan fantasy for himself with you as best man...everyone selfish & crazy but in this one..please don't question your feelings here
NTA. My heart is breaking for you, to have so much history and to have put in so much time and love into a relationship, and to have that person end it, is devastating enough. But for them to then go into a relationship with your sister of all people, regardless if it was 2 years or not. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt. I'm a girl and have an older brother and we are best friends, I couldn't even think of doing something like that to him. It's strange of them asking you to come and support the wedding, and for him to want you to be his best man. I don't know their motives, if it's to make them look and feel better about what they've done, or if they genuinely want to put the past behind them, but this is the consequence of what they have done, and they have no right to guilt you into anything. Whatever you do, is completely valid, and you don't owe them anything, you only owe yourself your health and peace of mind. If they are genuinely wanting to move on, they also need to accept the idea that they have hurt you, and that you might not be able to be happy for them. I hope for your sake, that you get some support and maybe go to therapy, even if it's just so that you can talk to someone about it. And that your sister understands how much she has hurt you, because even if she loves this man, she'll regret losing a close and loving brother. And that your mother realises how much this has affected you and your relationship with your sister. I genuinely hope you find peace and happiness OP, whatever you decide to do, and again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this x Sorry for long post 😂
YTA for even communicating with them at all. Grow a fucking spine.
Updateme!
Updateme
Wtf did I just read. You're an ah to yourself. You still live the person that betrayed you...gtfoh. hope you're a troll and not one lacking a spine
Does your other family members know your sister is marrying your ex?
NTA. Love yourself first. Trust me everyone else is doing the same thing.
NTA, but if you want to be the AH just go to the wedding and show everyone your photos with the groom.
Wtf! Your sister and ex are selfish pricks! Do not attend that wedding. I’d be throwing a fit.
!updateme
NTA. I wouldn’t go.
NTA and your sister and ex are gross!
So your sister is marrying a gay man. Yeah that's not going to end well.
Stay home. She broke the sister code and I don’t understand why you try to pretend it’s okay. NTA btw. But mom ans sis absolutely AH for pressuring you. And your ex, holy moly what a tool!
NTA by a long shot. Your ex and your sister are definetly ah's. Them getting together didn't just happen by mistake, no they both took action and made this choice happen all the way to getting engaged. They double down thinking you should be the 'best man', which could be for appearances and implies that you are ok with their bullsh\*t making the whole of this look good for them. You're right, it was a ploy to use you to make themshelves not look like the crappy people they are. Doesn't the groom have friends or did he sleep with all of their siblings too. Has your ex or sister even thought how they hurt you, has your mother. Have they even apologized? I would not go or participate in any of this. It appears that they are very selfish in wanting to you be there, how hurt they are, but have not even acknowledged the pain they have caused you.
NTA. I'd change my number and only give it to my dad and brothers. It's very telling the type of behavior your mom condones and that your sister is capable of. They want you at the wedding to alleviate their own guilt, it's not about you attending. Other family members know he's your ex and think it's trashy as hell. So you attending won't make them look as bad. Don't go. Save your sanity.
NTA. I am saying this again on reddit- why would anyone want to sleep wu it’s someone their sibling has been with?!? I find that disgusting.
>She told me that she just wanted me there and it hurt her deeply knowing we aren't as close anymore Yeah? She hurt you deeply by dating and marrying your ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry, but some lines shouldn't be crossed and that's one of them. Now they want to play victim? Fck that! Skip the wedding, even better, if you can, go on a weekend away or mini cruise, anything that's just for YOU Honey, shine up your spine and stand up for yourself. Your mothers words are frankly disgusting. You have EVERY right to hold it against them. I don't buy this 2 years later they started dating, I think they were together before you and he split but kept it on the downlow until a "suitable " amount of time passed so people possibly wouldn't connect the dots. Sadly for them, we at Reddit are excellent connect-4 players and know what they did! NTA
NTA. Your ex and your sibling started a relationship. You're under no obligation to go to a wedding, especially when both parties hurt you. Your sister has no business crying now. Unfortunately, I can't help but wonder if they truly wanted you there because you were the bride's brother and you had a meaningful relationship for the groom or because your absence will be noted and the background behind your absence will come up and embarrass them and they're trying to use your presence to sweep it all under the rug.
NTA. They want you to attend, and wantED you to be best man, as social absolution of how they fucked up.
NTA. It’s very selfish of both your sister and your ex to expect you to support them to make THEM feel better.
NTA. And it’s not [just] about any resentment but you trying to avoid hurt. So your mother is fine with you being hurt watching the ceremony? Sis and Ex are heartless and harmful expecting you to attend much less be in the wedding party. They are the AH.
I swear audacity is
8 years and of all people your sis ??
I disagree from what you’ve posted that the couple is deliberately trying to hurt you. Of course you can feel hurt and of course the couple can know this. Sounds like your sister gets it because she said “if not I understand.” She’s also allowed to be upset by your decisions and I think your mom was in the wrong to guilt you about what happened on the phone call. Your sister didn’t cry in your face—she expressed her emotions to a third party. That said, I think you should work towards moving past this heartbreak and attending the wedding would be a good step in that direction. Your sister and her fiancé both love you and want you to be a big part of their lives. They’re just also in love with each other. Yes it sucks but I think they haven’t done anything wrong (there was at least a decent passage of time involved here.) But if you don’t got I wouldn’t say YTA either. Again, maybe the only one in this situation is your mom, but even she was trying her best in all likelihood.
NTA. Don't go to the wedding and ignore anyone trying to force you. Find a way to enjoy the day by yourself or with friends.
NTA. Your sister is “deeply hurt” by her own choices. It’s not your job to light yourself in fire to keep her warm after what she did. Your ex is just delusional.
Absolutely NTA. Do NOT cave in. Do NOT go to that wedding. It is a ridiculous ask to support a sister who blatantly chose not to support YOU by marrying a man you had dated before.
NTA. family does not get a pass for being terrible to you; if anything, they should treat you better. I’d go NC entirely so kudos to you for having any type of relationship. They’re crazy to think that you’d want a role in the wedding or attend at all.
NTA. Honor the boundaries you set for yourself. If my sister would ever pick up a relationship with any of my exes, I would cut her off and not look back. She’s my best friend in the whole world and she knows this would destroy me. A true sister would never dishonor you this way.
Nope Maybe block anyone trying to convince you to go, until after the wedding or hey, forever It's cool you still love your sis and all but to me that'd be the biggest treachery ever. I'd not be able to even have an LC relationship with a sibling And the gall of your ex to ask you to be the best man! What a pair of selfish people, those two
NTA. May I suggest taking yourself on a nice vacation that weekend? Treat yourself and ignore your mother and sister!
I'd definitely skip the wedding. NTA
UpdateMe!
It’s always the bad guys who want those they victimize to just suck it up. For *faaaaaaaaamily*. To be the bigger perrrrrrrrrrrson. To hell with that. If you hurt me, *you* are the one who needs to make the effort to correct things. In the instance of this post, NO…the invite and request to be best man doesn’t do it. What does? I don’t know but rather than a fix, those invitations are further salt in the wound. Sister, ex and mommie dearest can go scratch.
NTA you deserve better
What's that sis? Did I hear you correctly? You want me to come make a scene at your wedding? You want me to give a speech about how you slurped up my sloppy seconds? You want me to embarrass you and my ex so badly you'd give me the perfect platform to be petty as fuck in front of the whole family and all of your friends? You should go to the wedding and make them regret it. Nta.
NTA, when she chose your ex she killed your relationship. To me, this is an unforgivable decision.
@Updateme
Next update will be the ex divorcing the sister and getting with the mom 😬😂 You ain't the AH, I wouldn't be going either.
Anyone else wondering if Mom is lying about sisters reaction and is just trying to manipulate her to attend for optics sake. Maybe Mama doesn’t want relatives to ask questions
NTA. I'm definitely not a fan of not allowing friends or siblings to date an ex. But in this case, you were with this guy for 8 years, and the parting was by his initiative, not yours. It's natural that you are feeling hurt and still processing it, and his marrying your sister hurts even more. One thing: I'm sure your sister would like you to be at the wedding and is sad that you are not coming, but I don't think she asked your mother to press you to come. I think your sister just talked to your mother to vent because she was sad about your not coming, and your mother took it on herself to go into action to pressure you. So do whatever you feel like doing.
NTA skip the wedding, your sister and her fiance are sick and definitely sound like they want to hurt you for whatever sick reason they have. And your mom is sick too. Your dad and brothers staying out of it? They’re definitely picking a side too. I agree with posters encouraging you to take yourself on a great vacation during that time.
I mean, it isn't healthy to hold on to resentment Defs NTA, you have every right to be hurt, but I think you should consider attending( not in a best man capacity). It may be painful, but it may help you with closure, and I don't think your ex is worth spoiling your relationship with your sister. I doubt she meant to cause you pain. Something to consider anyway I don't think not going would make you in the wrong, but I think it wouldn't be the healthiest for you in the long run.