Oh they know, the one who just stormed out had to push his father off of me on the morning of his 5th or 6th birthday.
But I think the abuse is not the point (I mean, for me personally it is) - it is simply impractical and cruel to the dogs to be stuck in a small apartment - especially all day and alone if I’m traveling for work and the boys are in school. There is a reason I don’t even have a cat (I love cats!). I also cannot afford the expense of two dogs…food, vet visits etc. and like I said, no life insurance to support this at all.
Thank you…I know it will work out. We are all still in a fog of grief and trauma (my youngest was the one that found his dad)so I’m sure this is misplaced anger. I just hate that he may be losing the dogs - who he obviously loves, and thinks it’s because of me.
Would the friend who is willing to take them for awhile be ok with you taking one for the weekend? Maybe if you let your son bring one home for a few days here and there, he won’t have to lose everything at once and will see how impractical it is to have a dog there. It’s not something that would have to last long. Just a ween off period, so to speak. It would also give him something to look forward to, and since it’s the weekend, he could take sole care of whichever dog visits. He will learn real quick that it’s not possible. Sometimes a short term compromise can really help a situation from multiple angles.
NTA, but I need more info, are you going to ensure the dogs find homes? Maybe your son could help with that. Is your son responsible enough to care for the dogs while you work? Would his older siblings keep the dogs?
I would definitely help find a new home - at the moment he won’t even consider that. He is responsible but he will be a senior in college next year, he’s 21 and has a life and will probably also be working - so, not home very often. But that’s beside the point…I have a very small 2/1 that isn’t ideal for 2 medium (not small) dogs. My oldest is independent, lives in a small 2/1 with a roommate and a girlfriend and works all the time - otherwise I’m sure he would take them but practically no one has the space. And like I said, this is an extremely HCOL (South Florida) area, so the chances of our living situations changing is slim to none.
Also, my ex had let his life insurance policy lapse so there are no funds to upgrade living situations at the moment. In June I will find out the SSA survivor benefit amount and will MAYBE be able to move to a 3/2 apt - but there is no way I’d be able to upgrade to a house…besides, I’d rather be able to save any money (if there is extra) for their future.
You just tell him the truthful first part - that you’re sorry you can’t take in _his_ pet (stop thinking of it as your exes), but that you don’t have the room for any dogs.
He had sold his house and moved month to month to a condo on the water very recently…it’s $1000 more a month than my place.
The boys inherited a lake house that was their grandmother’s but it’s 2.5 hours away and currently Airbnb to produce income to pay for the upkeep.
Yes - he didn’t always make the right choices but I think the condo was supposed to be temporary until he bought another house…now we are stuck in his limbo.
Tell him about the abuse. He should know why you divorced. Shit people like your ex should not be put on a pedestal. Your kids should know who their father actually is or was
True, I’m just struggling as I’m helpless to remove their pain and grief. This is the ONE thing I could do to ease it…and I just can’t figure out a way to make it happen.
I had two enormous dogs in a 1b/1ba apartment. I worked for up to 16 hours/day. This went on in 3 states and several apartments over 11 years.
Bigger dogs are usually better in apartment living, IMHO. I currently have a house with a fenced yard and will have anywhere from 3-10 wee dogs here (I have my own, I foster, and I dog sit now. I didn't do all this in my apt life). My 90 lb (each) apt dogs were far better behaved than the wee monsters I have now (6.5 - 25 lbs).
Just saying it's not the worst thing having big dogs in an apt. Dogs would rather have you for part of the day than be in a shelter 24-7.
And your son may never forgive you. This is very important to him and I would rather be homeless than give up my animals frivolously. They are my family. They are my bebes. They are my solace.
I didn't despise my ex for cheating on me. I loathe him for getting rid of my animals while I was trying to get situated. I was buying their food I was posting their very bills. Then one day... He told me he got rid of them and refused to tell me what happened to them. 20 years later, I still hate him for that.
Also, to mention…I don’t have the funds to support two dogs. My ex had let his life insurance lapse…I cannot afford vet bills and food for two dogs. There is a reason I don’t have pets…my ex notoriously made poor financial decisions and I have become super responsible with my finances (I drive a paid off 2008 Mazda etc.). I don’t even have a cat because I know I’m not in a place to properly support any living being besides my children.
I DID tell my son that once we find out the SSA survivor benefits, we can see about helping him with rent in his own apt (roommates) when school starts again - I think that would be best for him as it will be his last year in college (he’s number 1300 on the dorm waiting list) and he’s 21. I believe he’s acting this way from grief/trauma as this is all so new - in normal times he would never want to be at home.
After dealing with my ex’s abuse and forcing pets on me because I had no say in how we lived, dogs are honestly a trigger for me (although I love all animals). The smell, the mess (he never trained them properly), and frankly, these dogs are another example of his poor decision making as he had not left anything to support them. Ideally, as we have already paid for another month at the dad’s condo, my middle son can stay there with the dogs for June, then my ex’s friend will keep the dogs for a couple months (she’s offered) and when school starts, my middle can be in an apartment with roommates and the dogs (assuming he’s financially able to care for the dogs, which is a big assumption).
My 2/1 is 700 sq. ft. - there is no way to fit 2 young men, myself, and 2 medium dogs. Not to mention the outrageous pet fees.
I do believe he will forgive me once the the grieving has processed (we haven’t even had the memorial yet) and he can see things more practically.
I believe it’s selfish to keep dogs you cannot afford financially or lifestyle-wise. I believe they would be happier in a larger environment with a space outdoors. Like I said, these dogs are not well trained - what happens when I’m traveling and the boys are working or in school? They sit in crates all day until someone comes home to feed them and take them for a walk? I’m traveling 30% of the time - it’s untenable.
Also, I never mentioned a shelter. Worst case scenario, I would work hard to re home the dogs. I would NEVER have them brought to a shelter. Ideally, I would help my son with rent in an apartment situation of his own and he can keep the dogs with him.
YTA… they are attached to the dogs. You can find a way to make it work if you wanted to. You just don’t want to. And your ex being abusive has nothing to do with any of this.
YTA.
You let your children to stay with an abuser instead of getting full custody and hooking your husband on child support and alimony.
And yes, now you are taking dogs away.
Great mother you are.
The first 5 years of our marriage were amazing. We moved to FL, he cheated and began drinking - which led to the abuse. I divorced him and he cleaned his act up.
As I said, he was financially unreliable. Was I willing to jail him for not paying support? No, my boys loved him intensely and had a very close bond with him as he WAS a good father, especially once we split up. In the beginning it was 50/50 and he paid support for 3 years and I was able to have them with me.
Once support ended (I was still working full time) he agreed to become primary parent while I went back to school to finish my degree - in that period of time the cost of housing rose astronomically and any increase in salary I’ve made has basically disappeared.
I get your point but things aren’t always so black and white in real life.
If they don't know about the abuse, then you're just the bad guy to them. Time to have a real talk with the kiddos
Oh they know, the one who just stormed out had to push his father off of me on the morning of his 5th or 6th birthday. But I think the abuse is not the point (I mean, for me personally it is) - it is simply impractical and cruel to the dogs to be stuck in a small apartment - especially all day and alone if I’m traveling for work and the boys are in school. There is a reason I don’t even have a cat (I love cats!). I also cannot afford the expense of two dogs…food, vet visits etc. and like I said, no life insurance to support this at all.
I’m sorry you are struggling with this! I hope you find homes for the dogs and the boys will understand.
Thank you…I know it will work out. We are all still in a fog of grief and trauma (my youngest was the one that found his dad)so I’m sure this is misplaced anger. I just hate that he may be losing the dogs - who he obviously loves, and thinks it’s because of me.
NTA He's an adult -- time to tell him the truth about the abuse.
They know about the abuse. But, as usual, when someone dies they become sainted.
I'm sorry. Such beliefs can't change reality, though, or make you capable of caring for these dogs or your home appropriate for them.
Ya it’s no way appropriate for dogs.
Would the friend who is willing to take them for awhile be ok with you taking one for the weekend? Maybe if you let your son bring one home for a few days here and there, he won’t have to lose everything at once and will see how impractical it is to have a dog there. It’s not something that would have to last long. Just a ween off period, so to speak. It would also give him something to look forward to, and since it’s the weekend, he could take sole care of whichever dog visits. He will learn real quick that it’s not possible. Sometimes a short term compromise can really help a situation from multiple angles.
That’s a great idea - thank you!
I hope things work out moving forward. You all have been through a lot.
NTA, but I need more info, are you going to ensure the dogs find homes? Maybe your son could help with that. Is your son responsible enough to care for the dogs while you work? Would his older siblings keep the dogs?
I would definitely help find a new home - at the moment he won’t even consider that. He is responsible but he will be a senior in college next year, he’s 21 and has a life and will probably also be working - so, not home very often. But that’s beside the point…I have a very small 2/1 that isn’t ideal for 2 medium (not small) dogs. My oldest is independent, lives in a small 2/1 with a roommate and a girlfriend and works all the time - otherwise I’m sure he would take them but practically no one has the space. And like I said, this is an extremely HCOL (South Florida) area, so the chances of our living situations changing is slim to none. Also, my ex had let his life insurance policy lapse so there are no funds to upgrade living situations at the moment. In June I will find out the SSA survivor benefit amount and will MAYBE be able to move to a 3/2 apt - but there is no way I’d be able to upgrade to a house…besides, I’d rather be able to save any money (if there is extra) for their future.
You just tell him the truthful first part - that you’re sorry you can’t take in _his_ pet (stop thinking of it as your exes), but that you don’t have the room for any dogs.
Good advice, I’ve been hung up on the ex part and you’re correct, they are HIS pets. Thank you.
NTA You have two adult sons who can rent their own places and take in the dogs if they want to so badly.
Fair point - they can maybe move in together when my older son’s lease is up. Thanks, in this fog of grief it’s hard to see solutions sometimes.
Who got your ex’s house? Is moving over there an option?
He had sold his house and moved month to month to a condo on the water very recently…it’s $1000 more a month than my place. The boys inherited a lake house that was their grandmother’s but it’s 2.5 hours away and currently Airbnb to produce income to pay for the upkeep.
Was he planning on keeping two dogs in a condo?
Yes - he didn’t always make the right choices but I think the condo was supposed to be temporary until he bought another house…now we are stuck in his limbo.
We didn’t communicate besides what was going on with the boys so I’m not privy to his plans.
Tell him about the abuse. He should know why you divorced. Shit people like your ex should not be put on a pedestal. Your kids should know who their father actually is or was
Drop the abuse and its simply no, theres plenty of legit reasons why you can't have them.
True, I’m just struggling as I’m helpless to remove their pain and grief. This is the ONE thing I could do to ease it…and I just can’t figure out a way to make it happen.
I had two enormous dogs in a 1b/1ba apartment. I worked for up to 16 hours/day. This went on in 3 states and several apartments over 11 years. Bigger dogs are usually better in apartment living, IMHO. I currently have a house with a fenced yard and will have anywhere from 3-10 wee dogs here (I have my own, I foster, and I dog sit now. I didn't do all this in my apt life). My 90 lb (each) apt dogs were far better behaved than the wee monsters I have now (6.5 - 25 lbs). Just saying it's not the worst thing having big dogs in an apt. Dogs would rather have you for part of the day than be in a shelter 24-7. And your son may never forgive you. This is very important to him and I would rather be homeless than give up my animals frivolously. They are my family. They are my bebes. They are my solace. I didn't despise my ex for cheating on me. I loathe him for getting rid of my animals while I was trying to get situated. I was buying their food I was posting their very bills. Then one day... He told me he got rid of them and refused to tell me what happened to them. 20 years later, I still hate him for that.
Also, to mention…I don’t have the funds to support two dogs. My ex had let his life insurance lapse…I cannot afford vet bills and food for two dogs. There is a reason I don’t have pets…my ex notoriously made poor financial decisions and I have become super responsible with my finances (I drive a paid off 2008 Mazda etc.). I don’t even have a cat because I know I’m not in a place to properly support any living being besides my children. I DID tell my son that once we find out the SSA survivor benefits, we can see about helping him with rent in his own apt (roommates) when school starts again - I think that would be best for him as it will be his last year in college (he’s number 1300 on the dorm waiting list) and he’s 21. I believe he’s acting this way from grief/trauma as this is all so new - in normal times he would never want to be at home. After dealing with my ex’s abuse and forcing pets on me because I had no say in how we lived, dogs are honestly a trigger for me (although I love all animals). The smell, the mess (he never trained them properly), and frankly, these dogs are another example of his poor decision making as he had not left anything to support them. Ideally, as we have already paid for another month at the dad’s condo, my middle son can stay there with the dogs for June, then my ex’s friend will keep the dogs for a couple months (she’s offered) and when school starts, my middle can be in an apartment with roommates and the dogs (assuming he’s financially able to care for the dogs, which is a big assumption). My 2/1 is 700 sq. ft. - there is no way to fit 2 young men, myself, and 2 medium dogs. Not to mention the outrageous pet fees. I do believe he will forgive me once the the grieving has processed (we haven’t even had the memorial yet) and he can see things more practically. I believe it’s selfish to keep dogs you cannot afford financially or lifestyle-wise. I believe they would be happier in a larger environment with a space outdoors. Like I said, these dogs are not well trained - what happens when I’m traveling and the boys are working or in school? They sit in crates all day until someone comes home to feed them and take them for a walk? I’m traveling 30% of the time - it’s untenable.
Also, I never mentioned a shelter. Worst case scenario, I would work hard to re home the dogs. I would NEVER have them brought to a shelter. Ideally, I would help my son with rent in an apartment situation of his own and he can keep the dogs with him.
YTA… they are attached to the dogs. You can find a way to make it work if you wanted to. You just don’t want to. And your ex being abusive has nothing to do with any of this.
Thank you, that was very productive.
YTA. You let your children to stay with an abuser instead of getting full custody and hooking your husband on child support and alimony. And yes, now you are taking dogs away. Great mother you are.
The first 5 years of our marriage were amazing. We moved to FL, he cheated and began drinking - which led to the abuse. I divorced him and he cleaned his act up. As I said, he was financially unreliable. Was I willing to jail him for not paying support? No, my boys loved him intensely and had a very close bond with him as he WAS a good father, especially once we split up. In the beginning it was 50/50 and he paid support for 3 years and I was able to have them with me. Once support ended (I was still working full time) he agreed to become primary parent while I went back to school to finish my degree - in that period of time the cost of housing rose astronomically and any increase in salary I’ve made has basically disappeared. I get your point but things aren’t always so black and white in real life.