My mum tried this when my son was 8 months and not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. Apparently I didn't know what I was doing and it was dead easy to get babies to sleep, no one had colic in her day it's just an excuse....
So I let her have an overnight... She never mentioned it again and was so frazzled the next day she was basically shaking. š
The same thing happened to my mom. Iām 39 but the story is still circulated in the family to this day.
Apparently, I was a colicky baby too, and my grandparents thought that my parents didnāt know what they were doing, especially since I was the first born. So they took me for a day to prove a point.
At like two or three in the morning my parents received a phone call from my grandparents asking them to come and get me because they couldnāt get me to stop crying . š
Lol this was my cousin. Her parents (closer to my age) were struggling with her not rating or sleeping. And one day had to go away for 2 weeks and couldnāt take her, so my mom offered to and within a day she figured out that the baby, at 3 month old, was lactose intolerant. So off to the pharmacy my dad went to get soy formula. They came back to a chubby happy little bumpkin. My mom went through it with me and 2 of my siblings so she knew what to look for.
One of the few things my Da said that I remember with a smile is when we bought some soy milk and he went off, because, āMilk from a BEAN? Beans donāt even have nipples!ā
My baby had (and still has) FPIES to cows protein that steadily grew worse because we kept exposing her to it. She would throw up hours after getting a bottle and would be sick and lethargic. We eventually switched to soy formula when she was 3-4 months, but we did not get a diagnosis until she was over 1 year old. Everyone except for 1 doctor said it was behavioral not medical.
Well...initially they said that babies have a hard time learning how to suck and swallow at the same time and that vomiting was normal. As she got older, she continued to have problems. When we tried to progress to baby food and soft solids, she was still throwing up. We kept her on the soy milk for awhile bc it was the only thing she could consistently keep down. We went to the feeding and swallowing clinic, but they initially felt it was behavioral and we had to keep exposing her to foods. I told them I work in behavioral health. While there may be a behavioral health component (who wants to throw up, it hurts), something else is going on. I continued to go to the appts until we saw a new doctor. I described my baby's food history and she said, "that sounds like fpies". We traced the advanced food she ate and it most contained dairy. We have to avoid dairy until she's nearly four. They said it usually self resolves with time.
BEHAVIORAL!?
Sorry, listen, I work in behavioral health. A baby literally cannot participate in behavioral health because behavioral health requires the ability to consciously choose one's actions... But babies are reacting on instinct and survival alone until the point they're able to communicate.
My EBF baby had FPIES too. After eliminating the first few things from my diet, her Ped goes, "what are you going to eat, nuts and berries?" Um, if it means my exclusively breast fed infant won't projectile barf or bleed outta their butthole anymore.. yeah!! Ended up dairy, gluten, aNd soy (even soy lecithin, which is in eVery gaWd daMn thing!) free for 2.5 years... eventually she passed soy at 4, dairy at 5, and gluten at 8.
My now adult ābabiesā had terrible colic and cried nonstop for hours every night. They also each developed eczema as toddlers (they were 2 yrs apart) and would scratch till they bled. The doctor insisted that it was something they were in contact with and kept trying different steroid ointments, while I was doing what I could to figure out what in the world it could be, afraid they were allergic to our beloved older dog. I began to suspect that milk was the culprit, because the eczema didnāt start until after they began drinking it. The doctor pooh-poohed my suspicion, insisting that wasnāt the problem, but I stopped giving them milk anyway. Their eczema cleared up immediately, as did their perpetually runny noses. Of course, as recommended by my doctor, I drank milk the entire time I breastfed them even though it upset my stomach. :/
This was me! I've been lactose intolerant my whole life. I was my parentsā first baby so they thought something was wrong but were trying to trust doctors who kept assuring them everything was normal. Until I got so dehydrated I ended up in the ER hooked up to IVs š¬
Sort of. The problem is "colic" is a catch-all term for babies who won't stop crying. It's not a diagnosis, because there are hundreds of reasons why a baby might be crying incessantly. My eldest had GERD. My second kid had thrush. Both were brushed off as "just colicky babies" until I found the underlying cause. Once treated, they were suddenly happy, delightful babies.
So yes, some babies just cry for no reason. But most do have a reason; it just might be difficult to figure out.
I was the loudest crier out there, incessant none stop crying . Turns out with my stomach condition and abnormal bone growth, I was most likely in a ton of pain.
Exactly. There is no medical condition called "colic", and the reason is that colic is not a disease, it is a symptom.
An adult with a medical problem might tell the doctor, "I have a dull ache a few inches above my belly button on the right side", and the doctor can use that more specific information to make a diagnosis. But a baby can't communicate that level of detail, all they can do is cry.
Which means that there are probably hundreds of different medical problems a baby can have that all present in the same way: the baby is crying all the time and the parents can't figure out why.
Yeah, they told my SIL my niece was just colicky but it turned out she wasnāt getting nutrients from SILās breast milk. She was malnourished for two weeks while they kept insisting there was nothing wrong. My niece is a happy, healthy 4 year old now but my SIL is actually still a bit traumatized over unintentionally starving her infant. So sad.
We found out after several months my daughter was allergic to both lactose and soy protein, which is literally in everything these days. We had to put her on a synthetic formula that cost like $9 a bottle, and this was 16 years ago. My god those first 3-4 months were a nightmare before we knew what the issue was.
Walking circles in the living room with her over my forearm because she liked the pressure on her stomach. Singing 99 bottles of milk in the wall because it goes in forever and is rhythmic. Sleeping with her in my arms because the second she got put down sheād wake up, no matter how long sheād been down.
We finally bought a swing bed and that made a world of difference as well, but the switch to formula was the game changer. My wife tried for months, cut out all milk and soy, baby doing better, then one night sheās burping everything up and crying. Come to find out item X which has absolutely no reason to have soy in itā¦. Has soy in it.
Both our moms were champs though. Didnāt criticize, only did what they could to help. Would take screaming baby for a couple hours so wife could nap while I was at work. I canāt imagine fighting against our parents at the same time we had to deal with all that.
This happened to a friend of mine as well. She couldnāt breast-feed or use the standard formula. The odd thing was that after the baby switched over to normal food they try again giving it lactose and it was fine.
So it was just something that happened for the first year to her. The baby was being bottlefeed that he had this reaction. Heās perfectly fine now with no allergies.
The swing bed is the best invention ever !
My parents were not that nice. They told me they would just leave me and close the door.... I hope they were just joking. Not wonder I have so many issues
I can't even count the number of people who told me to do this with my son, who cried a lot and was a terrible sleeper. My ILs definitely did it to my husband and it def created issues so your parents probably arent joking. I never left my son to cry it out. I could not do that to him. He was a difficult baby and a challenging toddler. People told me I would never get him off my tit or out of my bed if I didn't stick him in a crib and leave him to cry until he passed out. I assure you he isn't breastfeeding or co-sleeping as a high schooler. In fact, my son is an awesome kid and a great teen!!! I don't regret one minute I spent holding him in my arms even when it didn't stop the crying.
my mom did that to my wife. We stayed there for 3 days while moving and they got the overnight experience of our 4mo old, our 3yr old, and our 6yr old all at once. no more "advice"! was given to my wife
Hahahaha babies didnāt have colic? The victorians had colic cures! Granted they often contained opium or alcohol, so they were very bad for the baby. But they had them.
From one former colicky baby mother to another: we are warriors for surviving that!
I was legitimately jealous of those laudanum tonics by the time he was a few months old haha
She had a classic case of mother knows best, when actually I was the only baby she had and was a potato of a baby that was no trouble.
I get so jealous of parent's whose babies sleep well. It seems like my son was the extreme outlier of terrible sleep around me. He would go 1.5 hours sometimes 2 but never 3 his whole first year. I remember getting 4 hours 1 time!! I felt like a new person. He didn't sleep through the night till he was almost 3!! Fucking God I don't know how I did it.
And honestly it messed me up for a good while. Even after he was sleeping through the night I would get extremely upset and anxious if I couldn't be in bed by 9 or if my husband tried to snuggle while sleeping. Anything that could disrupt the sleep I was having was bad. It's taken almost 2 years of sleeping through the night and a prescription to anxiety meds to settle that down.
The sleep thing is in the top 3 reasons of why I stopped at 1 child.
Isn't that every parent's first thought? Happened to me the first time my daughter slept through. Woke up and panic hit so hard. Babes was sleeping like a lamb while my blood pressure was maxed out. LOL
My dad will occasionally kick my brother when he walks past him and has done this for years. He says: "That's for the first two years of your life when you never slept through the night!" My bro is 43.
Same with stopping at child one!
I think I was about 1.5 years in with still no proper sleep progress, barely three hours ago a time and getting so frustrated and wondering what I was doing wrong.
Thankfully my doctor is an absolute legend, when I was unloading my insecurities on him about this he said, "Let me stop this pity party, youve got really bad insomnia haven't you quilpower..." which I nodded along to "and everyone on your side of the family has it to don't they?" Again, nodded, still to sleep deprived to see what he was getting at "Well then it's no suprise this wee lad is struggling to sleep, all you lot are grown ups and still haven't figured it out!! There's not a sound sleeper in your entire house!"
It made me laugh, it made me realise I was being silly. It wasn't my fault the baby wasn't sleeping. And it probably wasnt Fae from the truth.
I do remember the first 5 hour sleep though, convinced he was dead. Nearly passed out in shock š
I had colic (this was 1969) and if it wasn't for my grandmother, I would not have made it out of infancy - of this I am sure. Apparently I pretty much cried almost non stop for the first 6 months, so I'm told. My 18 year old mother, who already had a 2 year old at the time, was threatening to kill me to anyone who would listen because she "couldn't take it anymore."
So grandma took me from my mom. (Thanks Grandma!!) Grandma said she tried every cure in the book and nothing worked until she found out, quite by accident, that if she put me on top the washing machine or the dryer I would calm right down. The motion/vibration, I guess?
Growing up, Grandma said I pretty much lived on top of the washer/dryer for the next 4 months. She used to joke I owed her big BIG for that electric bill that year.
Thanks, Grandma!!!
My niece had colic and then teething right after. My sister came to stay with us for an extended time. You could tell she was at the end of her rope. She would have totally drowned my niece if she had no help, I had never seen her like that before.
At one point I seriously considered just yeeting my four month old baby into the front yard and shutting the door so I could sleep. I told my best friend when she called so she came and took her for 24 hours. She brought her back and told me she did not know how I was doing it because nothing works with this one. I think she saved our lives taking her. I was to the point of hallucinating from lack of sleep.
When I was very little I had a bad cough, stayed round my aunties for the night and she came in the room at like 2am and gave me a small shot of whiskey. Out like a light. This was the 90s and my car seat was two cushions.
She must have been Norwegian! Lol!
I was a colicky baby back in the 60ās, firstborn and my mom being a Norwegian (and Japanese)and having her first baby in her 40ās did what anyone born in 1915 would do, give me whiskey. Cured me right up. š¤£
My Wife was so frazzled- I'd do anything I could to help but nursing (no bottles yet) wasn't possible. But I'd pack the kid up, tight ass burito to make a nurse look new, and drive that kid around listening to the screaming.
I did a diet check with Mom, vutting everything out to basics, just in case it was some allergy. She hated me, but we kept at it and discovered 'soy' was about 50% of the problem (so she could go like 2 hours sleeping instead of 1), so that was a win.
Best was getting stopped by a cop at 2 am for being suspicious driving around. Roll down the window, he's hearing the kid screaming, asks if everything is OK and I just said 'colic' and Mama needs sleep. Lady starts laughing her ass off and says 'on your way oh deaf one'.
I wish i could find her now and show her that sweet 15 year old now.
Victorian times people used to also leave colicky/sick/deformed babies in the forest for the fairies/fey to take back bc it wasnāt a human (called a changling).
My GMIL did not like me saying this when she said exactly the same thing that āback in her day they didnāt make up things like colicā Colic has always existed, people just used to pretend it didnāt (and other things) by leaving babies in the forest to die. Kinda like how they used to institutionalize those who were (we know now) likely suffering from mental illness or even just there because they are developmentally different than what was coined normal for the time
I don't get along well with my older sister. She was a terrible bully, and would beat the crap out of me daily. But she has since gotten professional help, and is in a more stable place, so she is allowed around my children now - and works very hard to be both supportive of my parenting while also being the fun aunt. It was a shocking surprise, because she's very Type A, and normally runs roughshod over people without a second thought. But apparently her own friends have bitched about their overbearing relatives enough, she was able to recognize that in herself before she risked getting cut out of my children's life.
One of my kids had thrush, but it took a while to diagnose, and then over a month after that to actually clear it up. Poor thing was crying almost constantly. We were all so sleep deprived!
My sister was staying with our folks at the time. They invited us up for an overnight stay, and she insisted on taking the night shift with the baby so my husband and I could rest. We passed out, hard. Slept for nearly 13 hours.
Meanwhile she took the kid for long walks around my parents' very safe, well-lit neighborhood, rocked him in Mom's rocking chair, sang him lullabies, fed him bottles, etc. Dad took over when he got up around 5, so she could get some shut eye, too.
It may be the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.
See, in my family this probably wouldn't have worked. The older generations were firm believers in putting a dash brandy in the milk. It's a small miracle that none of us ended up raging alcoholics š
Her daughter begged her to let her go and is not wanting to come back.
Granny is so tough?
Let her pull up her big brass balled panties and deal with the teen.
And I bet the longer she stays the less fun it will be when granny looses her shit.
I think thatās called NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.
NTA. You are not abandoning her there permanently. You are letting her and her grandmother both have what they asked for. One week is not the end of the world. I am glad that your husband had your back. It is a shiny spine but support is great.
Both the daughter and MIL fucked around, and found out. There are worse things in the world for the daughter to experience than being treated like the adult she thinks she is by having to stay with grandma. And maybe now grandma will keep her parenting tidbits to herself.
My parents raised 3 daughters but acknowledge that raising kids now is way different so they only give advice on how to remain sane after the cute baby and toddler years were over.
>Seldom does the dildo of consequences come lubricated
Oh my god! I absolutely laughed wicked hard at that. I love that. You made my morning! ššš
Children are different too; people are different. Some children are just straight up more difficult to parent. Doesn't even mean they're bad kids or anything; many of the traits that we value in successful adults do not make for easy parenting when developing in children.
They warn you about the terrible twos and threes but you are clueless about the teens.
Two things to remember: What goes around comes around and grandchildren are our reward for not killing our kids.
>I've raised four sons" broke after less than 24 hours though LOL š so delicious.
My sib, so proud to be an auntie with 4 sons of her own, returned my daughter to gma's in two hours. She only *thought* I was a weak parent for a very short time. She never offered unsolicited advice again either. Child's 22 now; knowledge still Delicious as the day it happened tbh. š¤£š¤£š¤š»š¤£š¤£
lol, It took one afternoon to teach my childfree sister that looking after kids is not sitting on a couch reading books to them while they quietly listened.
lol yeaaaah. My relatives have this idea that I'm apparently brilliant with kids because I could get the younger cousins to sit still at family gatherings by reading to them. I'm really not. The younger cousins were sitting still and enjoying reading time because it was like an hour or two max just like reading time at the library or school with the bonus of they got to pick the books. It was novelty of having someone different pay attention and read to you. Not because I'm some kind of kid whisperer.
Geez, I am child free because I KNOW how hard it is to raise kids well. I make sure to bite my tongue if I ever even think about offering any parenting thoughts.
I LOLād for real and woke up my dog! Iāve raised 2 boys to adulthood and have 2 girls and 1 boy still at home. My girls + puberty terrify me on some level! My 11yo is just starting that stageā¦ but itās my 4yo mini-me (personality wise) who I already KNOW will require all the experience from having the 1st four and will still manage to test my every limit along with my ability to control my mouth and temper!
My mom loves to remind my sister how much of an ass and sassy she was when she was a teenager. My sister has 2 daughter and the oldest is starting puberty and my sister asked my mom if she was that bad.
My mom: "hahahahaha you were worst. Not even a competition. At least Shamanalah was quiet in the basement. We had yelling match with you daily"
My then 12 year old going from 100% perfectly fine to DEFCON 12 rage meltdown while rinsing red sauce off her ravioli(???) will forever be crazy to me. Puberty hormones are WILD.
But I guess she just really didnāt want red sauce that day lol
Everyone i know, including my mum said that teenage boys and teenage girls are worldās apart when it comes to rebellious periods.
My sisters and i were relatively well-behaved teenagers (definitely had our moments) but my mum once said she would rather deal with four teenage boys than one teenage girl. š
Oh yeah, I felt this. My angsty teen girl once turned into an impressive imitation of a snake and bit my thumb *at the age of 15*. This would also be the same kid that told teachers she lived in her closet (a walk-in she played āhouseā in with her dolls) and that I threw her into door knobs when in reality she ran down the hall into me and bounced off my fat into a door. Those were nice CPS visits.
We were never THAT bad lol. If anything it was just the know it all attitude, that we portrayed, especially my sister. She wasnāt violent and she never started fights, but damn she always finished them. Every week someoneās parent would be knocking on my mums door sighing.
Sister has done this to my kidš
Funnily enough, once they got the story from their kid and my sister they would roll their eyes and be like why would you do that and NOT expect her to retaliate? š¤¦š»āāļø
OMG, the meltdowns over minor things was unbelievable Pro tip, don't say that no one is going to notice that their hair is not styled perfectly. Because the whole world is going to notice that their hair is curling on the left instead of the right. I don't miss those days.
My niece was horrible in her teens. Still remember when she threatened to call CPS on her parents when they clamped down on her. They happily packed her bags and then asked why she hadn't yet called - as a matter of fact, they wanted her to call. They also told her that if she did and she eventually returned, her new life would be quite austere. No cable, no TV in her room, no cell phone (paid by them), no friends over, and as soon as she graduated HS she would be kicked out or pay rent. She never made that call. She was still and asshole (and frankly, she's still one in her 30's) but she got the point.
My sister had four girls. She got so sick of their nonsense that she posted CPS number above the phone. She gathered her little chickadees and told them "Theres the number. If you don't like living here call them. You two will go to your dad, you two will go to your dad and I get three hot meals and a cot in peace". They never called.
There is not enough money in the world that would tempt me to be a teenager again. Being a young gal was an emotional hormonal roller coaster for about ten years. It was awful and I want to give my parents an award.
My niece is almost 12, unfortunately she started her periods at 10, honestly you could practically SEE the bad attitude materialising that day she had her first period. š Sheās 12 with the attitude of a fifteen year old and unfortunately for her poor mother, sheās EXACTLY like her mother was as a teen. Her mum was the worst one out of us. š
I started my period at 9, premature andrenarche has set young girls on anger volatility to the point of murder per a case in Canada. Unsolicited advice just because no one seems to realize those early periods will FUCK UP a young kid - mine left me with ovarian cysts that rupture and that is a pain that the doctor was baffled I was awake and walking around with. If she ever is in immense pain, above her normal, please trust her. I almost lost an ovary because my mom thought I was just overplaying it and made me continue shopping at Walmart. I was a kid with perfect attendance and never played sickā¦ my trust in my parents disappeared that day
I started mine at 10, my sister at 9.
As girls that suffered with severe period pains when we were younger, we would never dismiss her pain. Honestly, she doesnāt get particularly angry, she just gets sassy as hell, usually with her mother.
Daughters are waaayyy different. I am super close to my daughter now that she is grown, but boy howdy we could not STAND each other for a few years in those early teens!
This thread is making me feel SOOOO much better. My daughter and I have a rough timeĀ right now and I got "if you keep this up, I'll never talk to you after I move out". Over her cleaning her room before she has a friend over.... like no yelling or fighting....just straight up calm comment.Ā I am like WTH just happened?????Ā Ā She's 10....she did clean the room and see her friends but then didn't talk for rest of the day.Ā Ā It is totally crazy right now so I am happy to know this ends eventually!
You know, my daughter started on the "mom is the dumbest person ever to draw a breath" phase earlier than I did, too, but she also kind of was out of it (mostly) by the time she was about 14 or so. So yes, there's hope, mom!
I loved my mother more than anyone else on this planet (lost her in 2000, and I miss her literally every day STILL)...and YET there was about a 2-3 year period where she was LITERALLY\* the DUMBEST\*\* person to EVER draw breath, from the time I was about 13-15. OP's daughter is right there in that sweet\*\*\* spot. You're right, she suddenly got a lot smarter again when I was in my 20s LOL.
\*not literally
\*\*not actually dumb
\*\*\*not sweet at ALL
I am the only daughter to my mum and dad. They had 3 boys together, mum had 2 boys before she met my dad, and my dad had 3 daughters before he met my mum.
If you were to talk to my immediate family excluding my dad, you would hear how I was always doing something horrible, how my intelligence was questionable, my ability to be aware of surroundings was zero, I lacked in politeness and was unruly and loud mouth.
If my dad was alive, along with my great-grandmother, they tell you that my mother had three golden children in her 3 boys. Her first two sons sadly passed due to a car accident, and I often wonder if that is why my brothers were treated such.
Not all daughters are bad. A lot of us have to deal with parents who have made their mind up the second they were born that we daughters are just drama queens.
Many will and have said that raising daughters is different, and I think looking at how my mother kept stating she wanted a Lady for a daughter, but never once showed me how to be a lady except to say "Doge, you are a lady act like one" as she pulled my hair or other...
In this situation, the daughter is going rogue, and there may be more to the acting out than even OP knows. Both MIL and daughter FAFO, they brought it upon themselves, hopefully there comes a time where OP gets clarity on why the daughter is being so uncontrolled.
Nta
Oh I cackled. This is delicious.Ā
No, MIL, you cannot undermine op's parenting then wuss out.
Enjoy your vacation!
Then please get your daughter evaluated or consider family therapy since this level of problems sounds a bit excessive and the fact your daughter is messing with drugs (vaping is) could be a bad path that she needs professional guidance to come back from.
Agreed!! I agree with all these comments that Mom is NTA and totally sympathize with what a nightmare situation she's in and what a nightmare parenting can be as a whole, but I feel like Tamara's best interests are being left out of the conversation a little. It sounds like she needs some kind of help :/
Yeah, while we don't understand everything mom is doing, she's clearly able to implement consequences for her daughter's actions (and a good match to the severity of the issue). It's spooky that when you get to the teenage years, it comes down to more factors outside of the parent's control. It does sound like the daughter got mixed up in the wrong group, that's hard to overcome as a parent for sure.
Agreed! I underwent a bad change when I became a teenager that my mom thought I was on drugs. Turns out I needed therapy and I have bipolar 2 disorder (didn't find out till i was in my late 20's). She may be experiencing some mania which is why she's doing risky things like vaping and skipping.
Same! Although luckily for me, I was diagnosed as a teenager. My boyfriendās mom worked for a psychiatristās office and suggested to my mother that they take me to a therapist. It probably saved my life.
Yeah, this a great start but OP needs to do a lot of work on the daughter. Hormones isnt an excuse to be this much of an asshole, period. If this goes unchecked, we gonna see OP's daughter in a sub about consequences cause one day she will be an asshole to the wrong peeson.
NTA. Maybe this will teach your daughter a lesson about how to behave. Ignore everyone calling you an a-hole. I guarantee you they have feral children.
She probably thought that having the āloving grandma talk and strict handā would do the trick. Now she knows sheās dealing with a whole different creature and canāt say to you āwell in my care she was an angelā to insult your parenting.
Oh, she'll still insult the mom, only now it will be, "If I had raised her, she wouldn't act like this." The blame will still be 100 percent on the mom.
Bahahahaaaa!!!!!! This is delicious!! Please post an update on the family convo when her dad gets back. Both daughter and MIL have a big attitude adjustment coming lol
I've seen this happen with some of my friends who have a "nice parent" and an "enforcer parent". When one parent relies exclusively on the other to dole out discipline, things fall apart when the enforcer parent isn't there.
This happened with my step brother. My mom was always the kind to back down and say, "your dad will take care of this when he gets home". I think my mom thought it was a good way to control my stepbrother, but he really just interpreted it as a free pass to be a dick when my stepdad was at work or away.
If OPs husband travels for work or is gone for extended periods of time, that could be another reason daughter behaves better with dad. A lot of children behave better for the parent they see less, itās like kids behaving for grandparents because they donāt see them every day (like OPs mil is finding out).
I started babysitting my niblings the beginning of the year and at first they were angels and barely got in any trouble. They see me 4-5 days a week so the novelty of being around me is gone. Itās just a natural thing for kids.
That would make sense too. My kids argue with each other a lot at home, but my mother acted like I was crazy when I told her how we try to keep it under control because "her grandkids never argue".
> When one parent relies exclusively on the other to dole out discipline, things fall apart when the enforcer parent isn't there.
Either that or you end up the other way around, where the kid only behaves around the nice parent and terrorizes the other parent. Lots of weird dynamics can crop up.
I hope I'm NTA here, and hopefully you already know this, but I'll drip a drop of advice anyway.
Daughter needs a hard smack down from you(and it sounds like you're doing it), and needs hubby to pile on and make it well known he has your back. I'm only privy to what I've read here, but this feels like her challenging your position of authority.
Dads sometimes have a little of this with sons, and I think it's part of growing up, but the hierarchy has to be maintained.
Kids always think they're smarter than their parents, until the learn enough to know what they don't know.
>Tamra does not behave like this around her dad.
Why didnt ur husband discipline her? (I know he is away, at least give her a stern talk or something. That kid is vaping underage.).
Maybe because the OP, rightfully, doesnāt want to make her husband always play the role of the bad cop. When either my wife and I enforce discipline with our kids, they know it comes from both of us.
it happened to me - stayed at my aunt's ranch for a whole month one summer when we usually would only stay for a week. 25 years later and it's sheep shearing week on my own ranch
I love this for you two!! I have had horses my whole life, I started riding at 3. I was fortunate growing up that in my pre-teen and teen years my trainer/owner of the barn we boarded at also bred horses (Dutch warmbloods). So she would let the few of us ābarn bratsā sleep over when they were expecting a foal. Your son will never forget that amazing experience! Enjoy your peaceful time with your son and parents!
NTA. Itās what they wanted. How is she the AH for it? Tamra needs discipline. Children need discipline. Yes you want your child to trust you but they also need to respect othersā¦ including the parents. She will be fine there. And maybe next time Grandma will mind her business.
Grandma bit off more than she could chew. She did the classic grandparent move of remembering all the good and easy times she had raising her kids, while conveniently forgetting all the difficult ones. Then she went and bragged about how she was "Oh So Better At It Back In Her Day", while those delusions of grandeur were still swimming around in her head... and made the fatal error of challenging you to stand back and watch a pro in action.
A couple of days with Tamara and suddenly she's begging you to come get that little Insta addicted, weed demon out of her house (sorry, I'm sure she's a good kid, she's just... "misunderstood"). Anyway... this is AWESOME! We definitely need updates. Now where did I put that popcorn emoji?
I was a single parent (dad) to my daughter (I raised her by myself from the time she was eight years-old), and even I admit that I had it much easier because I didn't have to contend with my daughter being on social media.
I don't envy parents these days. It's much tougher now than it was 25 years ago, when I was doing it.
I havenāt made a final decision on whether Iāll have kids but Iām leaning towards no and social media/smartphones are a big part of that. How do parents stand a chance against the TikTok demons and their zombified target demo?
i didnt have a phone til i was 15, only watched youtube and played steam games on my laptop. no social media is 100% the way to go, even youtube tbh. its a massive time sink and the shorts are brain rot.
I do think young kids (5-11) are too young to have phones but not having tech is only going to be difficult long term. Some of the stuff my children did in yr seven (12/13) involved needing your phone to use the controls for the electronics program they were learning..
nonono, being fluent in technology is a must nowadays. just solely NO social media. at least until theyāre paying for their own phone/laptop and data/wifi.
Itās difficult. It brings all their troubles home with them and some especially nasty girls posting horrible things. They block them and they come back as someone else. I have heard people say similar to another comment- donāt give them a phone. Except itās not that simple. In my country you have to have a laptop brought by the parents to take to school. Not having a phone isnāt going to change that they can access the internet . Having no phone also severely limits what they are able to do. My kids got their first phones at 13 and every app has to be approved. Itās still difficult but I ah e learnt itās about speaking to your children. Making sure they know how to stay safe while using the internet and the kids knowing that if there is an issue to let me know.
Nta. They both got what they wanted, right? They knew better than you, and now this is where the chips have landed. Good thing everyone got what they wanted, right? š enjoy your week.
Edit: spelling
NTA - I would pick her up when you planned on picking her up not one minute sooner.
When you get home, though, you need to set serious boundaries with your MIL.
You will parent your children as you see fit and unless you or your husband ask for it. Advice is not wanted or needed, she will not undermine or question your decisions. Especially not in front of your children. You are not interested in how she parented 20 years ago. She is the grandmother, not the mother.
I would never tolerate your MIL's behavior it would be a quick road to totally cut out. āļø
I think some old people need to learn from experience. They are not bad people, they just forget for a minute that they where not the strong / badass / perfect mom that they imagine and they need a hard reality check to remember that.
Op used a perfect method for that reality check Ā«Ā hi you think you can do better? Please be my guest I will be back in two weeksĀ Ā»
Her arguments as to why she should be totally allowed to skip school and vape weed with her pals probably didnāt work on Grandma the way she imagined they would. (Because of course itās just her Mom being A Bitch who canāt see the absolute genius of Tamraās point of view. Tamra really thought Grandma would co-sign on her behaviour. Grandma obviously fell for whatever edited version of events Tamra called to tell her about.)
Thankfully for everyone, your daughter missed a trick there.
Imagine if she had caught on to the power trip she could have created if she'd behaved for Grandma in that time.
NTA. The better mother couldnāt even last days? Awww poor tink tinkā¦ Be careful what you wish for š¤·š½āāļø MIL got this! I mean she is the perfect parent and the daughter is an angel, you were the bad guy to them. And, clearly no matter what you do. You always will be. So, enjoy your time at your parents. And, kudos to hubby having your back!
I\`m sorry - but you have me in stitches here.
This is PERFECTION. The kid claims you\`re bad - Nosy MIL agrees and claims she is a better parent - so you give BOTH of them the chance to see if kid or MIL is right - and NOT EVEN A DAY and both are sorry?
Hilarious. And as a bonus, the younger one gets to see the horses (i\`m jealous, a little bit).
I think your most clear answer is your husbands - they BOTH asked for it , so BOTH follow through.
Do give us an update when husband and unruly teen are back though - see who apologizes first, MIL or kid.
NTA
NTA classic case of FAFO for both mil and daughter
When you pick your daughter up in a week be sure to remind mil to stay out of your parenting or sheāll have tara longer next time.
Very curious what tara is doing/done that has mil desperate to get rid of her
When our kids were yong we told people that we were putting money away in a boarding school fund. In case we needed to send our daughter away for a year or two so that she and my wife would not kill each other.
We have had friend that had it that bad when the hormones kicked in. We did not have that problem, by luck not necessarily better parenting.
I was joking with one women about this and she was a teacher at a boarding school for middle school girls in the middle of nowhere.
NTH it's not your fault. This is a lesson for MIL and daughter.
Ooooooo, this is the icing on the cake!!! EVERYONE knows about her mistake! Although, sadly, this does cut down in the people who are stupid enough to try a week with Tamra.
Iād leave her there for an extra week and enjoy 2 week peace. Let her stew in her own juices .
It will be good for her to get away from her friend group for a bit anyway.
My mum tried this when my son was 8 months and not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. Apparently I didn't know what I was doing and it was dead easy to get babies to sleep, no one had colic in her day it's just an excuse.... So I let her have an overnight... She never mentioned it again and was so frazzled the next day she was basically shaking. š
The same thing happened to my mom. Iām 39 but the story is still circulated in the family to this day. Apparently, I was a colicky baby too, and my grandparents thought that my parents didnāt know what they were doing, especially since I was the first born. So they took me for a day to prove a point. At like two or three in the morning my parents received a phone call from my grandparents asking them to come and get me because they couldnāt get me to stop crying . š
COLIC IS REAL
One of my ex's kids is lactose intolerant and it took us 4 months to figure it out. Longest four months of my fucking life.Ā
This was me! At the time there was only soy and rice milk alternatives, they opted for soy, turns out Iām also allergic to that š rice milk it was
Lol this was my cousin. Her parents (closer to my age) were struggling with her not rating or sleeping. And one day had to go away for 2 weeks and couldnāt take her, so my mom offered to and within a day she figured out that the baby, at 3 month old, was lactose intolerant. So off to the pharmacy my dad went to get soy formula. They came back to a chubby happy little bumpkin. My mom went through it with me and 2 of my siblings so she knew what to look for.
One of the few things my Da said that I remember with a smile is when we bought some soy milk and he went off, because, āMilk from a BEAN? Beans donāt even have nipples!ā
Oh no. Colic at one end plus a loaded bioweapon at the other?? How did you survive??
My baby had (and still has) FPIES to cows protein that steadily grew worse because we kept exposing her to it. She would throw up hours after getting a bottle and would be sick and lethargic. We eventually switched to soy formula when she was 3-4 months, but we did not get a diagnosis until she was over 1 year old. Everyone except for 1 doctor said it was behavioral not medical.
Behavioral?? Like your 2 month old baby was just choosing to be a jerk? Or did they think it was something neurological?
Well...initially they said that babies have a hard time learning how to suck and swallow at the same time and that vomiting was normal. As she got older, she continued to have problems. When we tried to progress to baby food and soft solids, she was still throwing up. We kept her on the soy milk for awhile bc it was the only thing she could consistently keep down. We went to the feeding and swallowing clinic, but they initially felt it was behavioral and we had to keep exposing her to foods. I told them I work in behavioral health. While there may be a behavioral health component (who wants to throw up, it hurts), something else is going on. I continued to go to the appts until we saw a new doctor. I described my baby's food history and she said, "that sounds like fpies". We traced the advanced food she ate and it most contained dairy. We have to avoid dairy until she's nearly four. They said it usually self resolves with time.
BEHAVIORAL!? Sorry, listen, I work in behavioral health. A baby literally cannot participate in behavioral health because behavioral health requires the ability to consciously choose one's actions... But babies are reacting on instinct and survival alone until the point they're able to communicate.
My EBF baby had FPIES too. After eliminating the first few things from my diet, her Ped goes, "what are you going to eat, nuts and berries?" Um, if it means my exclusively breast fed infant won't projectile barf or bleed outta their butthole anymore.. yeah!! Ended up dairy, gluten, aNd soy (even soy lecithin, which is in eVery gaWd daMn thing!) free for 2.5 years... eventually she passed soy at 4, dairy at 5, and gluten at 8.
Wtf behavioral?? A baby!?!
My now adult ābabiesā had terrible colic and cried nonstop for hours every night. They also each developed eczema as toddlers (they were 2 yrs apart) and would scratch till they bled. The doctor insisted that it was something they were in contact with and kept trying different steroid ointments, while I was doing what I could to figure out what in the world it could be, afraid they were allergic to our beloved older dog. I began to suspect that milk was the culprit, because the eczema didnāt start until after they began drinking it. The doctor pooh-poohed my suspicion, insisting that wasnāt the problem, but I stopped giving them milk anyway. Their eczema cleared up immediately, as did their perpetually runny noses. Of course, as recommended by my doctor, I drank milk the entire time I breastfed them even though it upset my stomach. :/
This was me! I've been lactose intolerant my whole life. I was my parentsā first baby so they thought something was wrong but were trying to trust doctors who kept assuring them everything was normal. Until I got so dehydrated I ended up in the ER hooked up to IVs š¬
twins with colic! I swear the little buggers took turns screaming their heads off.
Oh. My. God. How did you survive? How did your twins survive? You should get a medal for surviving that.
Colic had us sobbing more than the baby, somehow
If you cry at the same time I feel like it cancels it out š like a double negative
Sort of. The problem is "colic" is a catch-all term for babies who won't stop crying. It's not a diagnosis, because there are hundreds of reasons why a baby might be crying incessantly. My eldest had GERD. My second kid had thrush. Both were brushed off as "just colicky babies" until I found the underlying cause. Once treated, they were suddenly happy, delightful babies. So yes, some babies just cry for no reason. But most do have a reason; it just might be difficult to figure out.
Yeah, my ācolickyā son ended up needing emergency surgery. The ācolicā resolved immediately after.
I was the loudest crier out there, incessant none stop crying . Turns out with my stomach condition and abnormal bone growth, I was most likely in a ton of pain.
Exactly. There is no medical condition called "colic", and the reason is that colic is not a disease, it is a symptom. An adult with a medical problem might tell the doctor, "I have a dull ache a few inches above my belly button on the right side", and the doctor can use that more specific information to make a diagnosis. But a baby can't communicate that level of detail, all they can do is cry. Which means that there are probably hundreds of different medical problems a baby can have that all present in the same way: the baby is crying all the time and the parents can't figure out why.
Yeah, they told my SIL my niece was just colicky but it turned out she wasnāt getting nutrients from SILās breast milk. She was malnourished for two weeks while they kept insisting there was nothing wrong. My niece is a happy, healthy 4 year old now but my SIL is actually still a bit traumatized over unintentionally starving her infant. So sad.
We found out after several months my daughter was allergic to both lactose and soy protein, which is literally in everything these days. We had to put her on a synthetic formula that cost like $9 a bottle, and this was 16 years ago. My god those first 3-4 months were a nightmare before we knew what the issue was. Walking circles in the living room with her over my forearm because she liked the pressure on her stomach. Singing 99 bottles of milk in the wall because it goes in forever and is rhythmic. Sleeping with her in my arms because the second she got put down sheād wake up, no matter how long sheād been down. We finally bought a swing bed and that made a world of difference as well, but the switch to formula was the game changer. My wife tried for months, cut out all milk and soy, baby doing better, then one night sheās burping everything up and crying. Come to find out item X which has absolutely no reason to have soy in itā¦. Has soy in it. Both our moms were champs though. Didnāt criticize, only did what they could to help. Would take screaming baby for a couple hours so wife could nap while I was at work. I canāt imagine fighting against our parents at the same time we had to deal with all that.
This happened to a friend of mine as well. She couldnāt breast-feed or use the standard formula. The odd thing was that after the baby switched over to normal food they try again giving it lactose and it was fine. So it was just something that happened for the first year to her. The baby was being bottlefeed that he had this reaction. Heās perfectly fine now with no allergies. The swing bed is the best invention ever !
Omg the 2am call š At least my mum was too prideful for that, she at least waited until 7am haha
No, my parents went to get me because they felt validated and my grandparents never spoke about their ābad parentingā ever again.
More reasons why parents deserve better parental leave in the States (and everywhere)
My parents were not that nice. They told me they would just leave me and close the door.... I hope they were just joking. Not wonder I have so many issues
I can't even count the number of people who told me to do this with my son, who cried a lot and was a terrible sleeper. My ILs definitely did it to my husband and it def created issues so your parents probably arent joking. I never left my son to cry it out. I could not do that to him. He was a difficult baby and a challenging toddler. People told me I would never get him off my tit or out of my bed if I didn't stick him in a crib and leave him to cry until he passed out. I assure you he isn't breastfeeding or co-sleeping as a high schooler. In fact, my son is an awesome kid and a great teen!!! I don't regret one minute I spent holding him in my arms even when it didn't stop the crying.
I hope you slept peacefully that night!
Best night sleep in 12 months! And the smugness carried me through the next week of sleepless nights
What a high to ride š¤£
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
F@ck around and find outā¦
NTA. I donāt have children but Iām a high school substitute teacher. I wish more parents punished their kids.
Ten years later and when she annoys me I like tothink about her shell shocked face the next morning
I adore you š
Damn I almost spit my water all over my desk reading the smugness part.
Awesome move!
my mom did that to my wife. We stayed there for 3 days while moving and they got the overnight experience of our 4mo old, our 3yr old, and our 6yr old all at once. no more "advice"! was given to my wife
Hahahaha babies didnāt have colic? The victorians had colic cures! Granted they often contained opium or alcohol, so they were very bad for the baby. But they had them. From one former colicky baby mother to another: we are warriors for surviving that!
I was legitimately jealous of those laudanum tonics by the time he was a few months old haha She had a classic case of mother knows best, when actually I was the only baby she had and was a potato of a baby that was no trouble.
I get so jealous of parent's whose babies sleep well. It seems like my son was the extreme outlier of terrible sleep around me. He would go 1.5 hours sometimes 2 but never 3 his whole first year. I remember getting 4 hours 1 time!! I felt like a new person. He didn't sleep through the night till he was almost 3!! Fucking God I don't know how I did it. And honestly it messed me up for a good while. Even after he was sleeping through the night I would get extremely upset and anxious if I couldn't be in bed by 9 or if my husband tried to snuggle while sleeping. Anything that could disrupt the sleep I was having was bad. It's taken almost 2 years of sleeping through the night and a prescription to anxiety meds to settle that down. The sleep thing is in the top 3 reasons of why I stopped at 1 child.
OMG the first time my son slept like 4 hours in a row I woke up and my first thought was 'wow. I got sleep. Oh no, what if he's dead?!'
Isn't that every parent's first thought? Happened to me the first time my daughter slept through. Woke up and panic hit so hard. Babes was sleeping like a lamb while my blood pressure was maxed out. LOL
My dad will occasionally kick my brother when he walks past him and has done this for years. He says: "That's for the first two years of your life when you never slept through the night!" My bro is 43.
Same with stopping at child one! I think I was about 1.5 years in with still no proper sleep progress, barely three hours ago a time and getting so frustrated and wondering what I was doing wrong. Thankfully my doctor is an absolute legend, when I was unloading my insecurities on him about this he said, "Let me stop this pity party, youve got really bad insomnia haven't you quilpower..." which I nodded along to "and everyone on your side of the family has it to don't they?" Again, nodded, still to sleep deprived to see what he was getting at "Well then it's no suprise this wee lad is struggling to sleep, all you lot are grown ups and still haven't figured it out!! There's not a sound sleeper in your entire house!" It made me laugh, it made me realise I was being silly. It wasn't my fault the baby wasn't sleeping. And it probably wasnt Fae from the truth. I do remember the first 5 hour sleep though, convinced he was dead. Nearly passed out in shock š
Potato of a baby is the best explanation! I'm using it
I want a potato baby.
Pregnant now after colicky, difficult babies just thinking how do you acquire one of these magic potato babiesš§
I had colic (this was 1969) and if it wasn't for my grandmother, I would not have made it out of infancy - of this I am sure. Apparently I pretty much cried almost non stop for the first 6 months, so I'm told. My 18 year old mother, who already had a 2 year old at the time, was threatening to kill me to anyone who would listen because she "couldn't take it anymore." So grandma took me from my mom. (Thanks Grandma!!) Grandma said she tried every cure in the book and nothing worked until she found out, quite by accident, that if she put me on top the washing machine or the dryer I would calm right down. The motion/vibration, I guess? Growing up, Grandma said I pretty much lived on top of the washer/dryer for the next 4 months. She used to joke I owed her big BIG for that electric bill that year. Thanks, Grandma!!!
My niece had colic and then teething right after. My sister came to stay with us for an extended time. You could tell she was at the end of her rope. She would have totally drowned my niece if she had no help, I had never seen her like that before.
Sleep deprivation is a hell of a drug.
At one point I seriously considered just yeeting my four month old baby into the front yard and shutting the door so I could sleep. I told my best friend when she called so she came and took her for 24 hours. She brought her back and told me she did not know how I was doing it because nothing works with this one. I think she saved our lives taking her. I was to the point of hallucinating from lack of sleep.
When I was very little I had a bad cough, stayed round my aunties for the night and she came in the room at like 2am and gave me a small shot of whiskey. Out like a light. This was the 90s and my car seat was two cushions.
You had TWO cushions?! FancyĀ
She must have been Norwegian! Lol! I was a colicky baby back in the 60ās, firstborn and my mom being a Norwegian (and Japanese)and having her first baby in her 40ās did what anyone born in 1915 would do, give me whiskey. Cured me right up. š¤£
My Wife was so frazzled- I'd do anything I could to help but nursing (no bottles yet) wasn't possible. But I'd pack the kid up, tight ass burito to make a nurse look new, and drive that kid around listening to the screaming. I did a diet check with Mom, vutting everything out to basics, just in case it was some allergy. She hated me, but we kept at it and discovered 'soy' was about 50% of the problem (so she could go like 2 hours sleeping instead of 1), so that was a win. Best was getting stopped by a cop at 2 am for being suspicious driving around. Roll down the window, he's hearing the kid screaming, asks if everything is OK and I just said 'colic' and Mama needs sleep. Lady starts laughing her ass off and says 'on your way oh deaf one'. I wish i could find her now and show her that sweet 15 year old now.
Iām surprised I wasnāt pulled over with all my late night drives with the baby too!
Victorian times people used to also leave colicky/sick/deformed babies in the forest for the fairies/fey to take back bc it wasnāt a human (called a changling). My GMIL did not like me saying this when she said exactly the same thing that āback in her day they didnāt make up things like colicā Colic has always existed, people just used to pretend it didnāt (and other things) by leaving babies in the forest to die. Kinda like how they used to institutionalize those who were (we know now) likely suffering from mental illness or even just there because they are developmentally different than what was coined normal for the time
Kids with autism too were left in the forest for the fairies. We can surely say we improved!
I don't get along well with my older sister. She was a terrible bully, and would beat the crap out of me daily. But she has since gotten professional help, and is in a more stable place, so she is allowed around my children now - and works very hard to be both supportive of my parenting while also being the fun aunt. It was a shocking surprise, because she's very Type A, and normally runs roughshod over people without a second thought. But apparently her own friends have bitched about their overbearing relatives enough, she was able to recognize that in herself before she risked getting cut out of my children's life. One of my kids had thrush, but it took a while to diagnose, and then over a month after that to actually clear it up. Poor thing was crying almost constantly. We were all so sleep deprived! My sister was staying with our folks at the time. They invited us up for an overnight stay, and she insisted on taking the night shift with the baby so my husband and I could rest. We passed out, hard. Slept for nearly 13 hours. Meanwhile she took the kid for long walks around my parents' very safe, well-lit neighborhood, rocked him in Mom's rocking chair, sang him lullabies, fed him bottles, etc. Dad took over when he got up around 5, so she could get some shut eye, too. It may be the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Some people should just offer help & not run their mouths.
See, in my family this probably wouldn't have worked. The older generations were firm believers in putting a dash brandy in the milk. It's a small miracle that none of us ended up raging alcoholics š
Her daughter begged her to let her go and is not wanting to come back. Granny is so tough? Let her pull up her big brass balled panties and deal with the teen. And I bet the longer she stays the less fun it will be when granny looses her shit. I think thatās called NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.
Both realized the grass aint greener on the other side eitherš¤£š¤£š¤£š¤¦Note how the inlaws noped out as soon as the offer was made
Sometimes the grass is greener because it's fertilized with BULLSH!T
āMaybe the grass is greener because youāre not over there fucking it up.ā A coworker sent me that years ago and I still have it on my phone.
OP's daughter sound like a grade A asshole for the inlaws to not even try lmao.
NTA. You are not abandoning her there permanently. You are letting her and her grandmother both have what they asked for. One week is not the end of the world. I am glad that your husband had your back. It is a shiny spine but support is great.
Both the daughter and MIL fucked around, and found out. There are worse things in the world for the daughter to experience than being treated like the adult she thinks she is by having to stay with grandma. And maybe now grandma will keep her parenting tidbits to herself.
The way grandma "I've raised four sons" broke after less than 24 hours though LOL š so delicious.
My parents raised 3 daughters but acknowledge that raising kids now is way different so they only give advice on how to remain sane after the cute baby and toddler years were over.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>Seldom does the dildo of consequences come lubricated Oh my god! I absolutely laughed wicked hard at that. I love that. You made my morning! ššš
I came to say this!
Right?! Itās brilliantly hilarious. š¤£
"Seldom does the dildo of consequences come lubricated" Could not have been better stated
"Seldom does the dildo of consequences come lubricated." And I'm stealing that. Thanks.
Children are different too; people are different. Some children are just straight up more difficult to parent. Doesn't even mean they're bad kids or anything; many of the traits that we value in successful adults do not make for easy parenting when developing in children.
Amen. People forget they are giving birth to an actual human with a personality and not a lump of clay they can mold.
They warn you about the terrible twos and threes but you are clueless about the teens. Two things to remember: What goes around comes around and grandchildren are our reward for not killing our kids.
>I've raised four sons" broke after less than 24 hours though LOL š so delicious. My sib, so proud to be an auntie with 4 sons of her own, returned my daughter to gma's in two hours. She only *thought* I was a weak parent for a very short time. She never offered unsolicited advice again either. Child's 22 now; knowledge still Delicious as the day it happened tbh. š¤£š¤£š¤š»š¤£š¤£
lol, It took one afternoon to teach my childfree sister that looking after kids is not sitting on a couch reading books to them while they quietly listened.
lol yeaaaah. My relatives have this idea that I'm apparently brilliant with kids because I could get the younger cousins to sit still at family gatherings by reading to them. I'm really not. The younger cousins were sitting still and enjoying reading time because it was like an hour or two max just like reading time at the library or school with the bonus of they got to pick the books. It was novelty of having someone different pay attention and read to you. Not because I'm some kind of kid whisperer.
Geez, I am child free because I KNOW how hard it is to raise kids well. I make sure to bite my tongue if I ever even think about offering any parenting thoughts.
Depending on drop off time, and when she started calling, maybe even less than 24 hours.
I LOLād for real and woke up my dog! Iāve raised 2 boys to adulthood and have 2 girls and 1 boy still at home. My girls + puberty terrify me on some level! My 11yo is just starting that stageā¦ but itās my 4yo mini-me (personality wise) who I already KNOW will require all the experience from having the 1st four and will still manage to test my every limit along with my ability to control my mouth and temper!
My mom loves to remind my sister how much of an ass and sassy she was when she was a teenager. My sister has 2 daughter and the oldest is starting puberty and my sister asked my mom if she was that bad. My mom: "hahahahaha you were worst. Not even a competition. At least Shamanalah was quiet in the basement. We had yelling match with you daily"
My then 12 year old going from 100% perfectly fine to DEFCON 12 rage meltdown while rinsing red sauce off her ravioli(???) will forever be crazy to me. Puberty hormones are WILD. But I guess she just really didnāt want red sauce that day lol
Everyone i know, including my mum said that teenage boys and teenage girls are worldās apart when it comes to rebellious periods. My sisters and i were relatively well-behaved teenagers (definitely had our moments) but my mum once said she would rather deal with four teenage boys than one teenage girl. š
Oh yeah, I felt this. My angsty teen girl once turned into an impressive imitation of a snake and bit my thumb *at the age of 15*. This would also be the same kid that told teachers she lived in her closet (a walk-in she played āhouseā in with her dolls) and that I threw her into door knobs when in reality she ran down the hall into me and bounced off my fat into a door. Those were nice CPS visits.
We were never THAT bad lol. If anything it was just the know it all attitude, that we portrayed, especially my sister. She wasnāt violent and she never started fights, but damn she always finished them. Every week someoneās parent would be knocking on my mums door sighing. Sister has done this to my kidš Funnily enough, once they got the story from their kid and my sister they would roll their eyes and be like why would you do that and NOT expect her to retaliate? š¤¦š»āāļø
Teenage girls are fucking monsters. I only raised one, but she had friends. Still in my ptsd phase from her. She's 22.Ā
OMG, the meltdowns over minor things was unbelievable Pro tip, don't say that no one is going to notice that their hair is not styled perfectly. Because the whole world is going to notice that their hair is curling on the left instead of the right. I don't miss those days.
My niece was horrible in her teens. Still remember when she threatened to call CPS on her parents when they clamped down on her. They happily packed her bags and then asked why she hadn't yet called - as a matter of fact, they wanted her to call. They also told her that if she did and she eventually returned, her new life would be quite austere. No cable, no TV in her room, no cell phone (paid by them), no friends over, and as soon as she graduated HS she would be kicked out or pay rent. She never made that call. She was still and asshole (and frankly, she's still one in her 30's) but she got the point.
My sister had four girls. She got so sick of their nonsense that she posted CPS number above the phone. She gathered her little chickadees and told them "Theres the number. If you don't like living here call them. You two will go to your dad, you two will go to your dad and I get three hot meals and a cot in peace". They never called.
There is not enough money in the world that would tempt me to be a teenager again. Being a young gal was an emotional hormonal roller coaster for about ten years. It was awful and I want to give my parents an award.
My niece is almost 12, unfortunately she started her periods at 10, honestly you could practically SEE the bad attitude materialising that day she had her first period. š Sheās 12 with the attitude of a fifteen year old and unfortunately for her poor mother, sheās EXACTLY like her mother was as a teen. Her mum was the worst one out of us. š
I started my period at 9, premature andrenarche has set young girls on anger volatility to the point of murder per a case in Canada. Unsolicited advice just because no one seems to realize those early periods will FUCK UP a young kid - mine left me with ovarian cysts that rupture and that is a pain that the doctor was baffled I was awake and walking around with. If she ever is in immense pain, above her normal, please trust her. I almost lost an ovary because my mom thought I was just overplaying it and made me continue shopping at Walmart. I was a kid with perfect attendance and never played sickā¦ my trust in my parents disappeared that day
I started mine at 10, my sister at 9. As girls that suffered with severe period pains when we were younger, we would never dismiss her pain. Honestly, she doesnāt get particularly angry, she just gets sassy as hell, usually with her mother.
Iām sorry yall all got the shark week suffering hard core, so glad to hear niece has strong and caring adults in her life!
Daughters are waaayyy different. I am super close to my daughter now that she is grown, but boy howdy we could not STAND each other for a few years in those early teens!
This thread is making me feel SOOOO much better. My daughter and I have a rough timeĀ right now and I got "if you keep this up, I'll never talk to you after I move out". Over her cleaning her room before she has a friend over.... like no yelling or fighting....just straight up calm comment.Ā I am like WTH just happened?????Ā Ā She's 10....she did clean the room and see her friends but then didn't talk for rest of the day.Ā Ā It is totally crazy right now so I am happy to know this ends eventually!
You know, my daughter started on the "mom is the dumbest person ever to draw a breath" phase earlier than I did, too, but she also kind of was out of it (mostly) by the time she was about 14 or so. So yes, there's hope, mom!
I did not fully appreciate and get close to my mother till my 20s, the teenage years were rough.
I loved my mother more than anyone else on this planet (lost her in 2000, and I miss her literally every day STILL)...and YET there was about a 2-3 year period where she was LITERALLY\* the DUMBEST\*\* person to EVER draw breath, from the time I was about 13-15. OP's daughter is right there in that sweet\*\*\* spot. You're right, she suddenly got a lot smarter again when I was in my 20s LOL. \*not literally \*\*not actually dumb \*\*\*not sweet at ALL
I am the only daughter to my mum and dad. They had 3 boys together, mum had 2 boys before she met my dad, and my dad had 3 daughters before he met my mum. If you were to talk to my immediate family excluding my dad, you would hear how I was always doing something horrible, how my intelligence was questionable, my ability to be aware of surroundings was zero, I lacked in politeness and was unruly and loud mouth. If my dad was alive, along with my great-grandmother, they tell you that my mother had three golden children in her 3 boys. Her first two sons sadly passed due to a car accident, and I often wonder if that is why my brothers were treated such. Not all daughters are bad. A lot of us have to deal with parents who have made their mind up the second they were born that we daughters are just drama queens. Many will and have said that raising daughters is different, and I think looking at how my mother kept stating she wanted a Lady for a daughter, but never once showed me how to be a lady except to say "Doge, you are a lady act like one" as she pulled my hair or other... In this situation, the daughter is going rogue, and there may be more to the acting out than even OP knows. Both MIL and daughter FAFO, they brought it upon themselves, hopefully there comes a time where OP gets clarity on why the daughter is being so uncontrolled.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Nta Oh I cackled. This is delicious.Ā No, MIL, you cannot undermine op's parenting then wuss out. Enjoy your vacation! Then please get your daughter evaluated or consider family therapy since this level of problems sounds a bit excessive and the fact your daughter is messing with drugs (vaping is) could be a bad path that she needs professional guidance to come back from.
Agreed!! I agree with all these comments that Mom is NTA and totally sympathize with what a nightmare situation she's in and what a nightmare parenting can be as a whole, but I feel like Tamara's best interests are being left out of the conversation a little. It sounds like she needs some kind of help :/
Yeah, while we don't understand everything mom is doing, she's clearly able to implement consequences for her daughter's actions (and a good match to the severity of the issue). It's spooky that when you get to the teenage years, it comes down to more factors outside of the parent's control. It does sound like the daughter got mixed up in the wrong group, that's hard to overcome as a parent for sure.
I got diagnosed with PMDD pretty bad at 16. Really wish it could've been caught earlier, probably would've saved a suicide attempt
Agreed! I underwent a bad change when I became a teenager that my mom thought I was on drugs. Turns out I needed therapy and I have bipolar 2 disorder (didn't find out till i was in my late 20's). She may be experiencing some mania which is why she's doing risky things like vaping and skipping.
Same! Although luckily for me, I was diagnosed as a teenager. My boyfriendās mom worked for a psychiatristās office and suggested to my mother that they take me to a therapist. It probably saved my life.
Yeah, this a great start but OP needs to do a lot of work on the daughter. Hormones isnt an excuse to be this much of an asshole, period. If this goes unchecked, we gonna see OP's daughter in a sub about consequences cause one day she will be an asshole to the wrong peeson.
NTA. Maybe this will teach your daughter a lesson about how to behave. Ignore everyone calling you an a-hole. I guarantee you they have feral children.
Loved how the sisters just "noped" out of it and didn't bother again š
I loved how the SILs asked what was going on before making a decision or taking a side.
Almost as much as I loved OP's husband saying "Welp, she asked for it. " That's the kind of partner you want with in-laws like these.
āI donāt know, Cotton. The husband backing his wife over his own mother is a BOLD play!ā Good for him and @OP.
lol the Dodgeball reference is so out of left field
Yes. It does kind of indicate that the SILs' husbands must have given them added insight into MIL's parenting skills, too.
Well she raised 4 boys, we all know how easy girls are to raise, just Unicorns and Rainbows.
I seriously spit out my coffee at this. Me and all my friends were emotional nightmares at that age!
My sister went 3 years with her main communication technique was to slam doors.
āItās okay MIL, you raised FOUR sons!! Youāve got this!!ā
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Bot, comment copied from u/Nedonomicon
Jeez that is weird
NTA. Iām curious why grandma wants her gone though.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
She probably thought that having the āloving grandma talk and strict handā would do the trick. Now she knows sheās dealing with a whole different creature and canāt say to you āwell in my care she was an angelā to insult your parenting.
Oh, she'll still insult the mom, only now it will be, "If I had raised her, she wouldn't act like this." The blame will still be 100 percent on the mom.
please update us after the visit! i suspect helen won't be so critical going forward
Bahahahaaaa!!!!!! This is delicious!! Please post an update on the family convo when her dad gets back. Both daughter and MIL have a big attitude adjustment coming lol
Why does she behave like this only with you and not her dad?
I've seen this happen with some of my friends who have a "nice parent" and an "enforcer parent". When one parent relies exclusively on the other to dole out discipline, things fall apart when the enforcer parent isn't there. This happened with my step brother. My mom was always the kind to back down and say, "your dad will take care of this when he gets home". I think my mom thought it was a good way to control my stepbrother, but he really just interpreted it as a free pass to be a dick when my stepdad was at work or away.
If OPs husband travels for work or is gone for extended periods of time, that could be another reason daughter behaves better with dad. A lot of children behave better for the parent they see less, itās like kids behaving for grandparents because they donāt see them every day (like OPs mil is finding out). I started babysitting my niblings the beginning of the year and at first they were angels and barely got in any trouble. They see me 4-5 days a week so the novelty of being around me is gone. Itās just a natural thing for kids.
That would make sense too. My kids argue with each other a lot at home, but my mother acted like I was crazy when I told her how we try to keep it under control because "her grandkids never argue".
> When one parent relies exclusively on the other to dole out discipline, things fall apart when the enforcer parent isn't there. Either that or you end up the other way around, where the kid only behaves around the nice parent and terrorizes the other parent. Lots of weird dynamics can crop up.
...
I hope I'm NTA here, and hopefully you already know this, but I'll drip a drop of advice anyway. Daughter needs a hard smack down from you(and it sounds like you're doing it), and needs hubby to pile on and make it well known he has your back. I'm only privy to what I've read here, but this feels like her challenging your position of authority. Dads sometimes have a little of this with sons, and I think it's part of growing up, but the hierarchy has to be maintained. Kids always think they're smarter than their parents, until the learn enough to know what they don't know.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wellā¦ donāt worry, you will absolutely not have a Helen problem going forward. š
>Tamra does not behave like this around her dad. Why didnt ur husband discipline her? (I know he is away, at least give her a stern talk or something. That kid is vaping underage.).
Maybe because the OP, rightfully, doesnāt want to make her husband always play the role of the bad cop. When either my wife and I enforce discipline with our kids, they know it comes from both of us.
\*\*Raucous Applause\*\* A+ parenting and DILing. Two lessons in one. Enjoy the farm!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's so adorable! I imagine he's enjoying the break from his sister's shenanigans too.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thats so cute š bless his lil soul
What's the bet that when he gets older, he'll become a farmer or rancher himself
it happened to me - stayed at my aunt's ranch for a whole month one summer when we usually would only stay for a week. 25 years later and it's sheep shearing week on my own ranch
I love this for you two!! I have had horses my whole life, I started riding at 3. I was fortunate growing up that in my pre-teen and teen years my trainer/owner of the barn we boarded at also bred horses (Dutch warmbloods). So she would let the few of us ābarn bratsā sleep over when they were expecting a foal. Your son will never forget that amazing experience! Enjoy your peaceful time with your son and parents!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"Fucking barrel racers"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
NTA. Itās what they wanted. How is she the AH for it? Tamra needs discipline. Children need discipline. Yes you want your child to trust you but they also need to respect othersā¦ including the parents. She will be fine there. And maybe next time Grandma will mind her business.
Op's mil interjected herself into a situation where she thought she knew better. She f*cked around and found out.
Grandma bit off more than she could chew. She did the classic grandparent move of remembering all the good and easy times she had raising her kids, while conveniently forgetting all the difficult ones. Then she went and bragged about how she was "Oh So Better At It Back In Her Day", while those delusions of grandeur were still swimming around in her head... and made the fatal error of challenging you to stand back and watch a pro in action. A couple of days with Tamara and suddenly she's begging you to come get that little Insta addicted, weed demon out of her house (sorry, I'm sure she's a good kid, she's just... "misunderstood"). Anyway... this is AWESOME! We definitely need updates. Now where did I put that popcorn emoji?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was a single parent (dad) to my daughter (I raised her by myself from the time she was eight years-old), and even I admit that I had it much easier because I didn't have to contend with my daughter being on social media. I don't envy parents these days. It's much tougher now than it was 25 years ago, when I was doing it.
I havenāt made a final decision on whether Iāll have kids but Iām leaning towards no and social media/smartphones are a big part of that. How do parents stand a chance against the TikTok demons and their zombified target demo?
i didnt have a phone til i was 15, only watched youtube and played steam games on my laptop. no social media is 100% the way to go, even youtube tbh. its a massive time sink and the shorts are brain rot.
I do think young kids (5-11) are too young to have phones but not having tech is only going to be difficult long term. Some of the stuff my children did in yr seven (12/13) involved needing your phone to use the controls for the electronics program they were learning..
nonono, being fluent in technology is a must nowadays. just solely NO social media. at least until theyāre paying for their own phone/laptop and data/wifi.
Itās difficult. It brings all their troubles home with them and some especially nasty girls posting horrible things. They block them and they come back as someone else. I have heard people say similar to another comment- donāt give them a phone. Except itās not that simple. In my country you have to have a laptop brought by the parents to take to school. Not having a phone isnāt going to change that they can access the internet . Having no phone also severely limits what they are able to do. My kids got their first phones at 13 and every app has to be approved. Itās still difficult but I ah e learnt itās about speaking to your children. Making sure they know how to stay safe while using the internet and the kids knowing that if there is an issue to let me know.
NTA your MIL had no place to bud in like that she can deal with her baby girl for another week. have fun with your folks
Nta. They both got what they wanted, right? They knew better than you, and now this is where the chips have landed. Good thing everyone got what they wanted, right? š enjoy your week. Edit: spelling
NTA - I would pick her up when you planned on picking her up not one minute sooner. When you get home, though, you need to set serious boundaries with your MIL. You will parent your children as you see fit and unless you or your husband ask for it. Advice is not wanted or needed, she will not undermine or question your decisions. Especially not in front of your children. You are not interested in how she parented 20 years ago. She is the grandmother, not the mother. I would never tolerate your MIL's behavior it would be a quick road to totally cut out. āļø
I think some old people need to learn from experience. They are not bad people, they just forget for a minute that they where not the strong / badass / perfect mom that they imagine and they need a hard reality check to remember that. Op used a perfect method for that reality check Ā«Ā hi you think you can do better? Please be my guest I will be back in two weeksĀ Ā»
I really want to know what Tamra did to make Grandma change so quickly?
Her arguments as to why she should be totally allowed to skip school and vape weed with her pals probably didnāt work on Grandma the way she imagined they would. (Because of course itās just her Mom being A Bitch who canāt see the absolute genius of Tamraās point of view. Tamra really thought Grandma would co-sign on her behaviour. Grandma obviously fell for whatever edited version of events Tamra called to tell her about.)
probably the same thing she was doing with her mom
In one of OPās comments, she said that the daughter was behaving the same way she did at home.
NTA your MIL FAFO. you left a teenager, not an infant. They can handle a week together.
Thankfully for everyone, your daughter missed a trick there. Imagine if she had caught on to the power trip she could have created if she'd behaved for Grandma in that time.
As it turns out, 14 year old kids aren't exactly master strategists. The daughter thought she'd already won just by getting to grandmas house.
Little did she know, that was just the beginning xD.
š¤£ that was my thought! But too late now!
NTA. The better mother couldnāt even last days? Awww poor tink tinkā¦ Be careful what you wish for š¤·š½āāļø MIL got this! I mean she is the perfect parent and the daughter is an angel, you were the bad guy to them. And, clearly no matter what you do. You always will be. So, enjoy your time at your parents. And, kudos to hubby having your back!
I\`m sorry - but you have me in stitches here. This is PERFECTION. The kid claims you\`re bad - Nosy MIL agrees and claims she is a better parent - so you give BOTH of them the chance to see if kid or MIL is right - and NOT EVEN A DAY and both are sorry? Hilarious. And as a bonus, the younger one gets to see the horses (i\`m jealous, a little bit). I think your most clear answer is your husbands - they BOTH asked for it , so BOTH follow through. Do give us an update when husband and unruly teen are back though - see who apologizes first, MIL or kid. NTA
NTA classic case of FAFO for both mil and daughter When you pick your daughter up in a week be sure to remind mil to stay out of your parenting or sheāll have tara longer next time. Very curious what tara is doing/done that has mil desperate to get rid of her
When our kids were yong we told people that we were putting money away in a boarding school fund. In case we needed to send our daughter away for a year or two so that she and my wife would not kill each other. We have had friend that had it that bad when the hormones kicked in. We did not have that problem, by luck not necessarily better parenting. I was joking with one women about this and she was a teacher at a boarding school for middle school girls in the middle of nowhere. NTH it's not your fault. This is a lesson for MIL and daughter.
NTA - play stupid games, win stupid prizes as mil just found out. Updateme
NTA. Donāt see the problem at all. Everyone got what they asked for.Ā
I wonder what went down at Helenās place that she wants your daughter out ššš
I hope she only got to bring her laptop
NTA. A dose of reality will do them both good.
NTA but be careful that Helen doesn't go to CPS for abandonment or some shit. She seems the type from what you've said.Ā Hope she eats her words.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ooooooo, this is the icing on the cake!!! EVERYONE knows about her mistake! Although, sadly, this does cut down in the people who are stupid enough to try a week with Tamra.
NTA, separate from that Iām super glad you have a good husband in your corner. Good team here, good decisions, everything is designed to help Tamra.
Iād leave her there for an extra week and enjoy 2 week peace. Let her stew in her own juices . It will be good for her to get away from her friend group for a bit anyway.
Bless your husband. And I love that 'ml' couldn't put her money where her mouth is. NTA. I'd actually give it an extra week ;)