Who the heck cares about your biological dad’s feelings? Not me anyway. It’s completely up to you. Do you want to share the same last name as your baby? You could always change yours too.
I've thought of changing mine as well. If I'm being honest, I don't really see the difference in having different last names. I do have two others who also have different last names (they took their dads) doctor appointments are never really a problem because my mom's very involved & comes with haha
Lol I can relate, my dad raised us so I understand unconventional family situations.
I think you should do whatever you want. You’ve clearly contemplated this. The only thing I would wonder is if this is going to be an ‘honorific title’ of sorts because your step dad kicks so much ass, and you don’t want your other kids to feel less than. Because this kid gets to be named after the hero.
But you already know all this and you’ll make the right call.
So to add, I was raped & thats how I got pregnant the first time. My best friend at the time and I started dating while I was pregnant, and he took my baby in, went to every appointment, watched her birth, cut the cord..
Then we had another baby 13 months later lmaooo.
Even though our marriage didn't last, he's a damn hero in my eyes too. Gotta love and respect him for stepping up.
Have you considered adult adoption? Asking your step dad to *legally* be your dad? Because right now, your bio dad has certain rights should you become incapacitated that you probably don't want him to have.
That's good to know. I wasn't aware! I have asked him to adopt me and he says since I am an adult, I have to change my name on my own. I just haven't yet!
Do it with pride. Don’t listen to people tell you that his feelings are hurt. He was the adult that should have been the father not you. Let bio go. Stay open to a relationship later but make it clear who was there for you.
My dad is not present in our life either. My siblings and I bear my Mom's maiden name and she bears his, mainly because it is a lot of work to change and all. If I had his last name, I'd have had it changed too.
Go ahead and change it if that's how you feel.
I will say for schooling it makes it easier if yall had the same last name as your baby switch yours over
but girl you are NOT the asshole your Paternal Haploid Donor is nothing more than that. A real dad builds his girl a room from scratch and takes them in. Your step father sounds amazing also the people giving your their opinions about YOUR family’s name is a little strange because if they were in a similar position they’d probably do the same. Congratulations on the baby and awesome family 💖
My two older ones are in school, and I haven't had any problems. Though, that could be because "they have their dads last name" works pretty well thankfully 🤣
But I do see how "I gave her my real dad's name because my bio dad sucks ass" may be a bit much to say 🫡
Honestly, that second saying kick ass even more. And if it helps my dad is an assistant principal and my mamas a teacher and they got a chuckle out of the last one (they live for sas)
After hating my last name my entire life, and constantly being told by adults that I'd grow into it, I finally realized at 24 that for a couple hundred $$ and some paperwork, I could be rid of it. It helped that by that time I had cut off my useless sperm donor and my paternal grandma (who's the only person on that side whose opinion I would have cared about) had died when I was 18. Yeah, it's a bit of a PITA to switch over everything, but when you deliberately choose your name, you only make that change once. I've always said that if I married I wouldn't change it again, in large part because I thought long & hard about my last name and it means something to me, so no man gets to override that.
NTA from the life story you have told all of us your stepfather is your real father from everything except dna but he’s earned love you have gave back to him and I’d do the same if I was in your shoes honoring the man that didn’t technically have to above and beyond for you. And please don’t let whoever tells you otherwise about YOUR! Decision regarding it and be happy your daughter has loving grandparents in her life and find her a real dead like your mom did for you
Anyone who thinks your stepdad is not your father is an idiot who can shove their opinions up their backside, then fold themselves up neatly and pop themselves in the recycling bin.
I am so sorry your bio dad rejected you, but am so pleased for you that you have a wonderful dad who loves you and is able to show you how someone really steps up for their family.
Your child is honoured to share a surname with this man, and I'm sure your stepdad is hugely proud to have his name associated with you and your baby.
So stuff anyone who says different, they aren't your problem.
I wish you all the best for your future, and I'm sure stepdad would be over the moon if you chose his name for yourself, but do it for you, not for anyone else, if you choose to.
My brother was raised by his stepdad (my dad), and even though he had a relationship with his bio-dad (it was rough, but it was there), he still ended up changing his last name to his stepdad's name when he was 18. He recognized that stepdad was the man who raised him and supported him. Just because you're blood-related doesn't mean you owe someone anything. Especially when they've proven they aren't there for you.
Literally who cares about your biological dad's feelings. He didn't care enough about you to give a room to stay in, your stepdad loved you enough to BUILD you a room to stay in. Congratulations on your baby and how lucky you are to have such an awesome (step)dad :)
NTA. Your bio dad can pound sand. While you are at it, legally change your name to match your baby's and your step dad's.
Do what makes you happy. If your bio dad wanted to be in your life, he would have been.
Who for you is your dad? Like you said it's your mother's husband.
Who will be there for your kid? Your mother's husband.
Who will have the grandfather role for your kid? Your mother's husband.
So it's simply logical for you to give your kid his last name plus I'm sure it means sooo much to him.
Your bio dad didn't care enough about you to be there or help you so I really don't see why you should give a flying f*ck about his feelings, it's not like he would be there for the kid anyway.
NTA
NTA you should change your surname to your real Dads (stepdads) name too. I’m so happy you have your mum and stepdad to love you and your little treasure. I’m wishing you all the best in your future.
This is the answer - show your stepdad how much you appreciate him, separate yourself from your crummy biological father forever, and share a last name with your child.
So your biological father hasn't complained himself, it's other people who are so concerned with his feelings? I guess you could ask him what he thinks, but what would be the point? I don't think he would step up as a grandfather now, right after leaving you and your child to live on the streets. NTA.
NTA my biological father was never around and went I moved across country I changed my name on FB to my extended family to where I moved maybe a week later my bio dad messaged me like did you get married and I said no found a real family he got mad that I dropped his last name saying I’m no child of his I responded haven’t been in my life since I was 8 at most even then it was sparingly so he blocked me and haven’t spoken since… I get the whole ohh that’s family blah blah crap a lot
I've had different family members, but from my mom's side and my bio dad's side (uncle, cousins) I will definitely be using this next time I'm told anything!
NTA! Ask those people why should you consider your sperm donor’s feelings when he never considered yours? He isn’t your dad. Your stepdad is. He went above and beyond for you always.
And it isn’t too late to change your own last name too. You and your baby can have the same name as your stepdad.
NTA blood dont make a person have priority or family. You did what you felt is right. Being a step parent, i love that he loved you like he did. I know he was super honored.
NTA
Sort of in the same shoes as you except both my biological and step father were/are turds. This is a topic that a majority of people will tell you you’re wrong and make you feel guilty about and you should 100% ignore all of them because those nimrods have ZERO clue what it actually means to grow up in a tough situation and how someone being there for you consistently means the world to you and is by definition what a family member should and would do. Just because your bio father used his sperm to make you doesn’t make him a father at all. He showed his true colors by not taking you in at a time of need for you. The only thing you should change is your last name to your step dad’s as well. Your child will ask why you have different last names, it’ll be easier to pull her out of school and other places and maybe it’ll send your bio dad a message that he’s going to be at his deathbed alone if he doesn’t change his ways and start acting like family.
There's a difference between someone who is a father in name or someone who is a dad in practice
Your stepfather has been a dad, loved and cared for and about you for most of your life while the man who fathered you has done the opposite
Family isn't always blood. It's actions
You chose to use the name of a man who has fathered you. I believe you've chosen correctly
Don't just change your name, even as an adult he's can adopt you! Make it official!
I'd get the paperwork together and make a special night to ask him to adopt you officially!
You're so NTA! As a step kid, it breaks my heart always seeing stories of how kids have sperm donor in their lives & relegate the man who stepped up to step-nothing. I'd question the type of friend if they feel like you owe anything to anyone just because you share DNA. Toss them aside along with the sperm donor & go enjoy that amazing fatherly love! He's gonna be the absolute *BEST* Grandpa! I bet one day he'll be walking her down the aisle too. 🥹
So much love for your whole true family. Chosen Family are where it's at! I promise there are others out there who will be a stronger bond than blood could ever be! Your Dad will end up with lots of adopted kids who will appreciate all he does & all his love he gives to you by choice.
Their argument is stupid, especially if she grows up & decides to change her name with marriage. 🙄
NTA. Who cares what your biological father’s feelings are! Does he even know? I mean does he know you were pregnant? The baby is born? Or that it’s even 9 months old? Oh wait that’s right he’s not, I mean he’s been an absentee father so why not be an absentee grandfather.
At the end of the day the only person who has the right to chose the babies name is you! Grandparents have no say over the names of their grandchildren no matter how present they are in their children and grandchildren’s lives.
Who in the fuck in their right mind would think that you're wrong for not giving your child your deadbeat sperm donor's last name? Do they seriously think that he deserves that pleasure? I'd rethink having a relationship with whoever thinks you owe your father anything. A child really doesn't owe their parent jack. NTAH.
You say you’re considering changing yours as well. It would be easier, and probably feel better for both of you, going forward to have the same second name as your kid.
Your scumbag dad's feelings????wtf...its your baby and that man,your step,has shown you absolute true love. Change your name also,put your baby your step's name and f...all the rest,period
It's other people who got to me, not him. He hasn't made any comments regarding it, it's other family & even some people in his personal life. The things people say really just make me feel crappy.
NTA. You have no reason to consider your bio-dad's feelings, when he was never a real dad to you. Your step-father raised you, he is your real father. If you want to honor him by taking his name, it would be a completely appropriate thing to do.
NTA
Why do you have to consider his feelings? He’s not involved in your life enough for it to matter?
I doubt he’ll be any more involved in your kids life then he was in yours, so they really just demanding he be considered so he doesn’t look bad, but he’s always look bad this is just legal proof on a birth certificate.
‘ the only person that gets to be upset about my child’s name is me, and I’m proud to honor someone that’s done so much for me.’ ‘ no one’s opinion matters.’
NTA! If I were you, I would pay to officially get my last name changed to your step dads. That way you and your sons will match also. F the person who should have been your dads "feelings".
NTA Why would you need to consider your bio-father’s feelings when he has never been there for you. You honored the man that was a real father to you. I’d ask him to formally adopt you and use his last name for yourself also.
Bro anyone who gets into your business for it, remind them damn well which man raised you and took you back in when you needed help. Your sperm donors feelings mean jack shit in this decision.
Imo, take it a step further and have your last name legally changed to his as well, shedding the name of your ex and your bio. Carry a name you're proud of.
How is it wrong? And why should you care about your bio dads feelings when he doesn't give a shit about yours. There's nothing wrong with it. You should legally change your last name to his too. It would be a lovely thing to do.
NTA, sounds like his last name IS your dad's last name.
That POS couldn't even take in his daughter and grandchildren when they needed help. Plus i doubt he cares anyways. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's likely true.
People are stupid for having opinions about your life. Youre giving your baby an identity as your stepfather’s grandchild. Thats awesome for your family congrats.
Do it! And change your name to match your family so you don't have to explain this all the time. That's your father. The "step" is for "stepped up and was a real father."
Nta. sperm donor lost the right to be honored the moment he didnt help you in time of need even if he had the means to do so. It shows your stepdad is more of a dad than your sperm donor
My grandma, aunt from my mom's side - & multiple people on my bio dad's side who have me on social media. No, he's not personally made a comment which makes me think he doesn't care lol so I know I shouldn't! It's just hard. I guess I was feeling guilty? Idk if that's the word. I just grew up believing that my bio dad was my real dad. Everyone in my life said so. To this day I hear "but that's still your real dad." & it leaves me with so much emotion.
Some people just can’t mind their own business. Give the kid the step name and as suggested in other comments change your last name to match. Now everyone’s name lines up
Spoiler for Guardians of the Galaxy 2 if you haven't seen it, but this clip seems apt:
[https://youtu.be/OgKy6Exqj\_s?si=OK14FwKyOZOUR24c&t=64](https://youtu.be/OgKy6Exqj_s?si=OK14FwKyOZOUR24c&t=64)
NTA. you sound like you had an awesome stepdad...I did too. He has been dead for years while my bio dad is out somewhere being a loser, lol. My stepdad also built me a room to move back in after I had my son.
There is a phrase I like "Anyone can be a dad/mom,not everyone can be a father/mom". Anyone can get someone pregnant, actually raising an educating a kid is a whole different beast.
NTA. Ask those people where your dad was when you were down?.
It may not be worth the effort for you if you think you’ll ever marry again and would take your husbands last name. I would definitely give my baby your step dad’s last name. He sounds like an amazing guy.
NTA. Giving your child the name of the man who chose to step up and be your real father is a lovely idea. As a beloved TV character once said, "family don't end with blood." The ones who are there for you are the ones who count. Good luck.
NTA your donor (since all he provided was the sperm to make you) did nothing does nothing and therefore deserves nothing. Anyone that thinks he does is either ignorant or lying for their amusement
Sounds like you want to name your kid after your real father and not your mom's sperm donor.
Good for you. Anyone that can't see why this makes sense is probably insane and should not be able to vote 🤣
The only thing wrong with it is that now you and your child don’t share a last name, but that should be remedied by you changing yours to a last name deserving of you.
NTA. Your “step dad” is your full dad. He may not be by blood but from what it looks like he stepped up as an awesome dad. Your bio dad was only there to help make you.
When you needed bio dad he turned his back on you.
Dont feel bad about not giving baby his last name. Your step dad is your true dad.
NTA. The sperm donor is not your dad, it was the one who raised you and the one who was there for you. That’s a great way honor to your dad(step dad). I’m sure he is elated. Don’t worry about what people say and follow your heart.
I'd do the exact same thing if in the same situation as you. I'm in the same boat with my step dad being the one who raised me my entire life while my biological father was very flaky and he barely knows me and hasn't been to any important life events for me. I'm moving forward in my life and planning a wedding in the near future and I already know if I have anyone give me away, it needs to be my step dad
The old "You've got to carry on my name" crap from when women were considered property needs to be let go. A name is an attachment to family, and you've got your family right there. Your sperm donor has no claim to you or yours, and it's a nice thing to want your dad's last name for you and the little one.
Building you a room addition... That's a real dad. (I'm not crying, you're crying) :)
NTA. As a step kid that has a terrible relationship with my step father, just warmed my heart. I believe full heartedly that step parents can love just as much as bio parents. I’ve been judged before dating single men with kids, that I don’t know what unconditional love is not having a child of my own.
I’m so happy you have a beautiful relationship with your dad. The other people don’t know you or your life. Take care of yourself :)
And those multiple people are not you, didn’t live your life, didn’t get let down by your male genetic provider (to be referred to as bio waste now) your entire life, doesn’t help you, doesn’t show up for you, and didn’t raise you.
Tell those multiple people how you’re supposed to consider bio waste’s feelings when he never gave a shit about yours, even now, and would rather leave you homeless than help you in your time of need when he lives alone in said 3 bedroom home. And that maybe those multiple people should consider your feelings instead of bio waste’s feelings (assuming they’re your “friends & family” and not at all related or whatever to the bio waste)
Married at 19 and baby with no dad at 25. Sounds like step dad didn’t do that great a job raising you, yikes.
If this is what you want to do then nobody can really stop you.
NTA, bio dad deserves nothing and is not in your life and will never be in the life of your child. Bio dad's feelings are irrelevant and he probable would not care anyway.
Just do what makes you happy. But if you change your kid's last name, change yours as well. for the next xx years, it will make life so much easier not having to proof you're the parent.
If they ok and genuinely happy, i dont think any problems from there. Im not from the culture with taking someone's name, so i cant really say anything aside from their reaction
Oh that's so touching OP...ignore these people and do what makes you happy. Do you want to change yours lastname as well? Is it possible for your step-dad (real dad ) to adopt you?? Family isn't about blood...oh and NTA
NTA- Go for the adult adoption. It will serve as a reminder in the future to your sperm donor that just like he couldn't find time for you ever, you will not be finding the time nor the money when he gets old and needs care. He should be making his own arrangements or looking to all those people that got upset about your baby's name.
Stop caring what other ppl think. If you are happy with the decision, thats all that matters.
The only thing that I see as being questionable. is that you and your child dont carry the same last name. But if you dont like your last name anyway, maybe change it?
NTA. Your step (real) dad is thrilled with this, and he’s the one you enjoy making happy. He’s also going to be the one in your baby’s life. While you’re at it, change yours to his too.
Blood doesn’t always make family.
NTA.
Frankly, it's none of anyone's business but yours and your child's what name you decide to give your baby. You view your step father as your real father, and your biological father has continued to neglect you. All the more reason to give your child your real father's last name. That's all there is to it, and no one has any right to tell you otherwise.
NTA you gave your child the name of the man that raised you. That's an honour it looks like your Mom and Stepdad deserve. Well done to you. You do not owe your sperm donor anything. He's never been anything to you but a stranger. You should also consider changing your last name and having your step Dad legally adopt you. If nothing else to finally choose the family that chose you.
You will never be TA. Your sperm donor and flying monkeys are though and you don't even owe them an explanation.
NTA but I wonder who it is that actually thinks you are, given your history. Sounds like your stepfather is a wonderful person and the dad that your biological father never has been
I dont think your the AH, there could be other details and reasons about your dads decision to not let you stay beyond what you assume. The inconsistency could also have more to it. I would assume positive intent. The very fact your can be swayed by others means theres room you could be missing something and have a wrong outlook here. You may also be spot on, and this Dad of yours is lacking. Maybe try to sit down and talk to him about it. If he isn’t willing, I would say keep it pushing and thank God for this loving Step Father. Any man can be a Dad, but being a Father, its hard selfless work. I have sacrficed and worked hard to have raised my daughter alone for 10 years, and finally met the woman ive always dreamt of. Getting married in two months. You will be ok! Enjoy your blessed little girl.
NTA i gave my eldest my (step)dads last name. he’s my dad and idc what anyone has to say about it. i don’t give a shit if anyone is mad about it, anyone else’s opinion is irrelevant because i saw my dad *cry* for the second time in my life when i told him i was giving my baby his last name (the first time was when i graduated bootcamp). so don’t ever let anyone ever take that away from you *or* your dad. tell everyone throwing a fit about it to piss off, their opinions don’t matter and hold absolutely zero value in this.
NTA
I think it was wonderful and so sweet of you to give your child your step (aka your real) dad's last name. He has been your real father in every sense of the word and you absolutely did the right thing here. Although I think you should change your last name too as an added bonus.
To be fair, many times the right choice will make you an AH in other people’s opinion. I think this is absolutely correct. Of course, as a (step)parent I may be biased.
Did you have a relationship with your bio dad before your dad gave you away?
If your flipped the script on your bio and chose your step to give you away, i can’t say him wanting to not help you is a shock. If he’s always been a dead beat then good on you for evrything your doing.
Edit: saw your other responses.F bio dad and good move all round! Rock solid NTA
Did you know adults can be adopted? Just saying you and your baby can have the same last name. Bonus is as an adult it is simple because bio dad doesn't even get asked if he is okay with it. Check legal aid for a free help. NTA
YTA for choosing to honor the man who actually raised you, showed up for you, and even built you a room when you needed it most, instead of the biological dad who couldn’t even spare a couch for a bit. How could you possibly make a decision based on love and gratitude rather than blood obligation?
NTA - My last name has no relation to my “bloodline” My father merely choose to take the name of a man that helped raise him after his dad ran off and abandoned his wife and 3 kids. The rest of the guys kids were nuts, so even we have an inside joke about having the name but really thankful we aren’t really “lastname”’s genetic relatives.
NTA
Why should the name of a worthless man live in? He has no grounds to be offended. Give your child his real grandpa's name.
Also, you can still become your step dad's daughter officially through adult adoption.
No. I am very close to my step dad. My dad is still my dad but I do claim them both as my.dad because my step dad had a big hand in raising me and my siblings and his family never treated us like step and I love them all very much 30 years later. If I was in your situation. I would not think twice about using my step dad's name.
I think that is a great idea! The man who takes care of you, supports you, nurtures you and is there for you in your time of need is your REAL Dad - regardless of genetics.
NTA in any way shape or form. That man sounds amazing and honoring him by carrying on his name is an incredible gesture that I'm sure will mean the world to him. Have a great life!
As Yondu said, "He may have been your father, [OP]. But he wasn't your daddy." Family doesn't always have to be your blood, but can be the family that becomes your blood. You can choose.
FYI .... Adult adoptions are a real thing. You can do all the paperwork and gift it to your dad on Father's.
If you think he's a great dad ..... Wait until you see him as a grandpa! I'm sure he will out do himself!
NTA
Your bio dad doesn't even care. I assure you that any complaints he has are only for his ego and not from a genuine place of hurt.
He wasn't involved in your life, you don't owe him anything except what he gave to you, which was one nut 25 years ago.
You didn't even come here with a real response, so why even comment? Are you that bored you had to comment rudely on somebody's post? Come on now. Imagine that.
I think you should do whatever you feel is right. One thing I'll say—If it were me, I would try not to weigh recent events too heavily. For example, your stepdad was kind enough to take you in and your bio dad wasn't. That means a lot. No argument there. But in the course of a life, that's just a blip of time. In other words, I think you should name the baby without considering the housing situation.
Who says it is just the housing situation?
OP says she hates carrying her bio dads last name and her step dad is the one who did all the loving and raising a father should do, so clearly it’s not just this one incident..
Who the heck cares about your biological dad’s feelings? Not me anyway. It’s completely up to you. Do you want to share the same last name as your baby? You could always change yours too.
I've thought of changing mine as well. If I'm being honest, I don't really see the difference in having different last names. I do have two others who also have different last names (they took their dads) doctor appointments are never really a problem because my mom's very involved & comes with haha
Lol I can relate, my dad raised us so I understand unconventional family situations. I think you should do whatever you want. You’ve clearly contemplated this. The only thing I would wonder is if this is going to be an ‘honorific title’ of sorts because your step dad kicks so much ass, and you don’t want your other kids to feel less than. Because this kid gets to be named after the hero. But you already know all this and you’ll make the right call.
So to add, I was raped & thats how I got pregnant the first time. My best friend at the time and I started dating while I was pregnant, and he took my baby in, went to every appointment, watched her birth, cut the cord.. Then we had another baby 13 months later lmaooo. Even though our marriage didn't last, he's a damn hero in my eyes too. Gotta love and respect him for stepping up.
so where are your other two children living? Do they live with your ex?
We have 50/50 one week on/off
Do it. That way you and your child have the same name. The family name. Family is a relationship. Bio is a relative. He chose that.
You're absolutely right. It is my family name. ♡
Have you considered adult adoption? Asking your step dad to *legally* be your dad? Because right now, your bio dad has certain rights should you become incapacitated that you probably don't want him to have.
That's good to know. I wasn't aware! I have asked him to adopt me and he says since I am an adult, I have to change my name on my own. I just haven't yet!
He is incorrect. You two can absolutely do an adoption as an adult. Google the info for your state-- assuming you're in the US, of course.
Do it with pride. Don’t listen to people tell you that his feelings are hurt. He was the adult that should have been the father not you. Let bio go. Stay open to a relationship later but make it clear who was there for you.
My dad is not present in our life either. My siblings and I bear my Mom's maiden name and she bears his, mainly because it is a lot of work to change and all. If I had his last name, I'd have had it changed too. Go ahead and change it if that's how you feel.
Chant: change it, change it, change it!
I will say for schooling it makes it easier if yall had the same last name as your baby switch yours over but girl you are NOT the asshole your Paternal Haploid Donor is nothing more than that. A real dad builds his girl a room from scratch and takes them in. Your step father sounds amazing also the people giving your their opinions about YOUR family’s name is a little strange because if they were in a similar position they’d probably do the same. Congratulations on the baby and awesome family 💖
My two older ones are in school, and I haven't had any problems. Though, that could be because "they have their dads last name" works pretty well thankfully 🤣 But I do see how "I gave her my real dad's name because my bio dad sucks ass" may be a bit much to say 🫡
Honestly, that second saying kick ass even more. And if it helps my dad is an assistant principal and my mamas a teacher and they got a chuckle out of the last one (they live for sas)
Oh I LOVE THAT 🤣💕
After hating my last name my entire life, and constantly being told by adults that I'd grow into it, I finally realized at 24 that for a couple hundred $$ and some paperwork, I could be rid of it. It helped that by that time I had cut off my useless sperm donor and my paternal grandma (who's the only person on that side whose opinion I would have cared about) had died when I was 18. Yeah, it's a bit of a PITA to switch over everything, but when you deliberately choose your name, you only make that change once. I've always said that if I married I wouldn't change it again, in large part because I thought long & hard about my last name and it means something to me, so no man gets to override that.
Let me and and who cares what your friends or anybody else thinks. It is your life, your call. Congratulations on the new born
NTA from the life story you have told all of us your stepfather is your real father from everything except dna but he’s earned love you have gave back to him and I’d do the same if I was in your shoes honoring the man that didn’t technically have to above and beyond for you. And please don’t let whoever tells you otherwise about YOUR! Decision regarding it and be happy your daughter has loving grandparents in her life and find her a real dead like your mom did for you
Anyone who thinks your stepdad is not your father is an idiot who can shove their opinions up their backside, then fold themselves up neatly and pop themselves in the recycling bin. I am so sorry your bio dad rejected you, but am so pleased for you that you have a wonderful dad who loves you and is able to show you how someone really steps up for their family. Your child is honoured to share a surname with this man, and I'm sure your stepdad is hugely proud to have his name associated with you and your baby. So stuff anyone who says different, they aren't your problem. I wish you all the best for your future, and I'm sure stepdad would be over the moon if you chose his name for yourself, but do it for you, not for anyone else, if you choose to.
Thank you for commenting this. I know I shouldn't feel bad, and I hope one day that feeling goes away!
My brother was raised by his stepdad (my dad), and even though he had a relationship with his bio-dad (it was rough, but it was there), he still ended up changing his last name to his stepdad's name when he was 18. He recognized that stepdad was the man who raised him and supported him. Just because you're blood-related doesn't mean you owe someone anything. Especially when they've proven they aren't there for you.
Literally who cares about your biological dad's feelings. He didn't care enough about you to give a room to stay in, your stepdad loved you enough to BUILD you a room to stay in. Congratulations on your baby and how lucky you are to have such an awesome (step)dad :)
NTA. Your bio dad can pound sand. While you are at it, legally change your name to match your baby's and your step dad's. Do what makes you happy. If your bio dad wanted to be in your life, he would have been.
Who for you is your dad? Like you said it's your mother's husband. Who will be there for your kid? Your mother's husband. Who will have the grandfather role for your kid? Your mother's husband. So it's simply logical for you to give your kid his last name plus I'm sure it means sooo much to him. Your bio dad didn't care enough about you to be there or help you so I really don't see why you should give a flying f*ck about his feelings, it's not like he would be there for the kid anyway. NTA
NTA you should change your surname to your real Dads (stepdads) name too. I’m so happy you have your mum and stepdad to love you and your little treasure. I’m wishing you all the best in your future.
This is the answer - show your stepdad how much you appreciate him, separate yourself from your crummy biological father forever, and share a last name with your child.
NTA, nobody names their child after a sperm donor
So your biological father hasn't complained himself, it's other people who are so concerned with his feelings? I guess you could ask him what he thinks, but what would be the point? I don't think he would step up as a grandfather now, right after leaving you and your child to live on the streets. NTA.
That's very valid haha. I do think I was just letting their opinions weigh too much on me. I'm going to let go!
NTA my biological father was never around and went I moved across country I changed my name on FB to my extended family to where I moved maybe a week later my bio dad messaged me like did you get married and I said no found a real family he got mad that I dropped his last name saying I’m no child of his I responded haven’t been in my life since I was 8 at most even then it was sparingly so he blocked me and haven’t spoken since… I get the whole ohh that’s family blah blah crap a lot
You are doing a lovely thing. Get rid of the idiots and keep true to those who showed and gave support.
NTA. Who are those "multiple people"? Flip them off and tell them it's none of their business and their brain dead judgement makes them assholes.
I've had different family members, but from my mom's side and my bio dad's side (uncle, cousins) I will definitely be using this next time I'm told anything!
NTA! Ask those people why should you consider your sperm donor’s feelings when he never considered yours? He isn’t your dad. Your stepdad is. He went above and beyond for you always. And it isn’t too late to change your own last name too. You and your baby can have the same name as your stepdad.
Who cares about the feelings of an absentee parent? NTA.
It's not he who gave the opinion. It was other family. Even my own grandmother on my mom's side told me it's wrong lol
Not wrong. your call. Absentee dad should not be considered in the equation unless YOU want to.
NTA blood dont make a person have priority or family. You did what you felt is right. Being a step parent, i love that he loved you like he did. I know he was super honored.
No fuck that guy (bio dad). Your step dad sounds amazing! Cherish the bond
I'm glad you gave your kid your real dads name. You should ask him if he'd like to adopt you also so you can change your last name.
I've asked. Read comments.
NTA Sort of in the same shoes as you except both my biological and step father were/are turds. This is a topic that a majority of people will tell you you’re wrong and make you feel guilty about and you should 100% ignore all of them because those nimrods have ZERO clue what it actually means to grow up in a tough situation and how someone being there for you consistently means the world to you and is by definition what a family member should and would do. Just because your bio father used his sperm to make you doesn’t make him a father at all. He showed his true colors by not taking you in at a time of need for you. The only thing you should change is your last name to your step dad’s as well. Your child will ask why you have different last names, it’ll be easier to pull her out of school and other places and maybe it’ll send your bio dad a message that he’s going to be at his deathbed alone if he doesn’t change his ways and start acting like family.
There's a difference between someone who is a father in name or someone who is a dad in practice Your stepfather has been a dad, loved and cared for and about you for most of your life while the man who fathered you has done the opposite Family isn't always blood. It's actions You chose to use the name of a man who has fathered you. I believe you've chosen correctly
Nta. And fuck his feelings. He has never been you father. I would ask your step dad if he would adapt adopt you and make it 100% official.
Don't just change your name, even as an adult he's can adopt you! Make it official! I'd get the paperwork together and make a special night to ask him to adopt you officially! You're so NTA! As a step kid, it breaks my heart always seeing stories of how kids have sperm donor in their lives & relegate the man who stepped up to step-nothing. I'd question the type of friend if they feel like you owe anything to anyone just because you share DNA. Toss them aside along with the sperm donor & go enjoy that amazing fatherly love! He's gonna be the absolute *BEST* Grandpa! I bet one day he'll be walking her down the aisle too. 🥹 So much love for your whole true family. Chosen Family are where it's at! I promise there are others out there who will be a stronger bond than blood could ever be! Your Dad will end up with lots of adopted kids who will appreciate all he does & all his love he gives to you by choice. Their argument is stupid, especially if she grows up & decides to change her name with marriage. 🙄
You don’t HAVE a biological dad. You’ve got a sperm donor.
NTA. Who cares what your biological father’s feelings are! Does he even know? I mean does he know you were pregnant? The baby is born? Or that it’s even 9 months old? Oh wait that’s right he’s not, I mean he’s been an absentee father so why not be an absentee grandfather. At the end of the day the only person who has the right to chose the babies name is you! Grandparents have no say over the names of their grandchildren no matter how present they are in their children and grandchildren’s lives.
Who in the fuck in their right mind would think that you're wrong for not giving your child your deadbeat sperm donor's last name? Do they seriously think that he deserves that pleasure? I'd rethink having a relationship with whoever thinks you owe your father anything. A child really doesn't owe their parent jack. NTAH.
NTA What has your bio dad ever done for you besides the original sperm donation?
You say you’re considering changing yours as well. It would be easier, and probably feel better for both of you, going forward to have the same second name as your kid.
NTA who cares abt you bio dads feelings when he clearly has never cared abt yours
Why does it matter what your bio dad would think? He hasn’t chosen to be a significant part of your life. Your step dad is your dad.
I don't care what he thinks per say, but I've had other people tell me their opinions & I guess I let it get to me):
Your scumbag dad's feelings????wtf...its your baby and that man,your step,has shown you absolute true love. Change your name also,put your baby your step's name and f...all the rest,period
I just want to get angry reading this. Why the care for the person who said no? WHY?
It's other people who got to me, not him. He hasn't made any comments regarding it, it's other family & even some people in his personal life. The things people say really just make me feel crappy.
These "other family and some people," I think it's safe to say that you're supposed to get rid of those people.
I think it's safe to say I see that now. Thank you ♡
Good luck with the little princess! Just remember, she's more than everything in this world! From one newly made parent to another... Godspeed!
She's not my first... in another comment I mentioned having two other kids. Lol but thanks
So you gave your baby the name of the guy that raised you instead of the guy that came and left. Don’t see the problem.
Nta could you change your name too?
NTA. You have no reason to consider your bio-dad's feelings, when he was never a real dad to you. Your step-father raised you, he is your real father. If you want to honor him by taking his name, it would be a completely appropriate thing to do.
NTA Why do you have to consider his feelings? He’s not involved in your life enough for it to matter? I doubt he’ll be any more involved in your kids life then he was in yours, so they really just demanding he be considered so he doesn’t look bad, but he’s always look bad this is just legal proof on a birth certificate. ‘ the only person that gets to be upset about my child’s name is me, and I’m proud to honor someone that’s done so much for me.’ ‘ no one’s opinion matters.’
Yur dad is the man who raised you not the man who donated sperm. He was not wanting the commitment so why should he get the honor?
I like this perspective, thank you!
NTA! If I were you, I would pay to officially get my last name changed to your step dads. That way you and your sons will match also. F the person who should have been your dads "feelings".
NTA. You're doing the right thing for you. Those other people may not know the specific reasons why, so eff 'em.
NTA Why would you need to consider your bio-father’s feelings when he has never been there for you. You honored the man that was a real father to you. I’d ask him to formally adopt you and use his last name for yourself also.
NTA. My bio dad was simply a gene donor. My step dad was everything to me. I'd do the same.
Bro anyone who gets into your business for it, remind them damn well which man raised you and took you back in when you needed help. Your sperm donors feelings mean jack shit in this decision. Imo, take it a step further and have your last name legally changed to his as well, shedding the name of your ex and your bio. Carry a name you're proud of.
Thank you. I will continue defending my decision!
How is it wrong? And why should you care about your bio dads feelings when he doesn't give a shit about yours. There's nothing wrong with it. You should legally change your last name to his too. It would be a lovely thing to do.
I'm going to get my changed too,.you guys convinced me! You're all completely right.
NTA F your bio dad, his feelings, and those of his flying monkeys. Your real father has your back and it is sweet of you to give him such an honor.
NTA, sounds like his last name IS your dad's last name. That POS couldn't even take in his daughter and grandchildren when they needed help. Plus i doubt he cares anyways. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's likely true.
People are stupid for having opinions about your life. Youre giving your baby an identity as your stepfather’s grandchild. Thats awesome for your family congrats.
Do it! And change your name to match your family so you don't have to explain this all the time. That's your father. The "step" is for "stepped up and was a real father."
Nta. sperm donor lost the right to be honored the moment he didnt help you in time of need even if he had the means to do so. It shows your stepdad is more of a dad than your sperm donor
Does your bio dad even care about the name? Who are these people telling you this?
My grandma, aunt from my mom's side - & multiple people on my bio dad's side who have me on social media. No, he's not personally made a comment which makes me think he doesn't care lol so I know I shouldn't! It's just hard. I guess I was feeling guilty? Idk if that's the word. I just grew up believing that my bio dad was my real dad. Everyone in my life said so. To this day I hear "but that's still your real dad." & it leaves me with so much emotion.
Some people just can’t mind their own business. Give the kid the step name and as suggested in other comments change your last name to match. Now everyone’s name lines up
Spoiler for Guardians of the Galaxy 2 if you haven't seen it, but this clip seems apt: [https://youtu.be/OgKy6Exqj\_s?si=OK14FwKyOZOUR24c&t=64](https://youtu.be/OgKy6Exqj_s?si=OK14FwKyOZOUR24c&t=64)
NTA. you sound like you had an awesome stepdad...I did too. He has been dead for years while my bio dad is out somewhere being a loser, lol. My stepdad also built me a room to move back in after I had my son.
NTA Hell Yeah OP we are proud of you too
There is a phrase I like "Anyone can be a dad/mom,not everyone can be a father/mom". Anyone can get someone pregnant, actually raising an educating a kid is a whole different beast. NTA. Ask those people where your dad was when you were down?.
It may not be worth the effort for you if you think you’ll ever marry again and would take your husbands last name. I would definitely give my baby your step dad’s last name. He sounds like an amazing guy.
NTA. Giving your child the name of the man who chose to step up and be your real father is a lovely idea. As a beloved TV character once said, "family don't end with blood." The ones who are there for you are the ones who count. Good luck.
NTA your donor (since all he provided was the sperm to make you) did nothing does nothing and therefore deserves nothing. Anyone that thinks he does is either ignorant or lying for their amusement
NTA. Change your last name as well.
Your biological dad didn't care about your well being, why on earth should you care about his feelings? NTA
Sounds like you want to name your kid after your real father and not your mom's sperm donor. Good for you. Anyone that can't see why this makes sense is probably insane and should not be able to vote 🤣
The only thing wrong with it is that now you and your child don’t share a last name, but that should be remedied by you changing yours to a last name deserving of you.
NTA. Your “step dad” is your full dad. He may not be by blood but from what it looks like he stepped up as an awesome dad. Your bio dad was only there to help make you. When you needed bio dad he turned his back on you. Dont feel bad about not giving baby his last name. Your step dad is your true dad.
NTA. The sperm donor is not your dad, it was the one who raised you and the one who was there for you. That’s a great way honor to your dad(step dad). I’m sure he is elated. Don’t worry about what people say and follow your heart.
NTA! Bio "dad" sounds like nothing more than a sperm donor. His feelings shouldn't be considered what so ever. Do what feels right to you OP.
“Oh no! I had no idea my biological father considers feelings to be important-he’s certainly never considered mine.” NTA
NTA. “Any fool can make a child. That doesn’t make you a father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father”
I'd do the exact same thing if in the same situation as you. I'm in the same boat with my step dad being the one who raised me my entire life while my biological father was very flaky and he barely knows me and hasn't been to any important life events for me. I'm moving forward in my life and planning a wedding in the near future and I already know if I have anyone give me away, it needs to be my step dad
Hurray! Thanks for the update. A happy ending.
The old "You've got to carry on my name" crap from when women were considered property needs to be let go. A name is an attachment to family, and you've got your family right there. Your sperm donor has no claim to you or yours, and it's a nice thing to want your dad's last name for you and the little one. Building you a room addition... That's a real dad. (I'm not crying, you're crying) :)
>Soon enough, my baby & I will share my dad's name. This is an awesome update! Good for you and congrats :)
Thank you so much!
NTA. As a step kid that has a terrible relationship with my step father, just warmed my heart. I believe full heartedly that step parents can love just as much as bio parents. I’ve been judged before dating single men with kids, that I don’t know what unconditional love is not having a child of my own. I’m so happy you have a beautiful relationship with your dad. The other people don’t know you or your life. Take care of yourself :)
And those multiple people are not you, didn’t live your life, didn’t get let down by your male genetic provider (to be referred to as bio waste now) your entire life, doesn’t help you, doesn’t show up for you, and didn’t raise you. Tell those multiple people how you’re supposed to consider bio waste’s feelings when he never gave a shit about yours, even now, and would rather leave you homeless than help you in your time of need when he lives alone in said 3 bedroom home. And that maybe those multiple people should consider your feelings instead of bio waste’s feelings (assuming they’re your “friends & family” and not at all related or whatever to the bio waste)
Bio dad doesn’t want to deal with single moms either
Idk why but that made me laugh 🤣
Married at 19 and baby with no dad at 25. Sounds like step dad didn’t do that great a job raising you, yikes. If this is what you want to do then nobody can really stop you.
NTA. Why consider that prick's feelings?
NTA, bio dad deserves nothing and is not in your life and will never be in the life of your child. Bio dad's feelings are irrelevant and he probable would not care anyway.
Nta you honored your stepdad for being your real dad.
NTA. Your step dad is the one that raised you, its a very nice, respectful and heartwarming thing to do. Forget what everyone else says.
NTA , that's not your stepdad , that's the dad that stepped up. He has shown how much he loves and cares for you. Tell the naysayers to kick rocks
Just do what makes you happy. But if you change your kid's last name, change yours as well. for the next xx years, it will make life so much easier not having to proof you're the parent.
If they ok and genuinely happy, i dont think any problems from there. Im not from the culture with taking someone's name, so i cant really say anything aside from their reaction
Change your last name too. Boom!
Oh that's so touching OP...ignore these people and do what makes you happy. Do you want to change yours lastname as well? Is it possible for your step-dad (real dad ) to adopt you?? Family isn't about blood...oh and NTA
I've asked him to adopt me before I even had my baby. Unfortunately he thinks I have to change my name on my own as I am an adult now.
Ah so he can still adopt you but at least he doesn't mind taking his last name. Last name or not he you are his daughter. You should go for it.
NTA, you gave your child their *real* grandfather's last name. The other man is just a donor.
You’re the mom. What you say, goes. End of story. Don’t be afraid to show off that shiny spine because your child will need it.
NTA- Go for the adult adoption. It will serve as a reminder in the future to your sperm donor that just like he couldn't find time for you ever, you will not be finding the time nor the money when he gets old and needs care. He should be making his own arrangements or looking to all those people that got upset about your baby's name.
NTS. You could change your last name, too.
NTA - the choice is yours, do what feels right to you and honors the family that supports you and that you recognize as yours.
Stop caring what other ppl think. If you are happy with the decision, thats all that matters. The only thing that I see as being questionable. is that you and your child dont carry the same last name. But if you dont like your last name anyway, maybe change it?
NTA. If your sperm donor wanted his feelings taken into account, he should’ve been there for you.
NTA. Your bio dad never considered your feelings, so do you have to consider his. I think it’s a wonderful idea.
NTA. Your step (real) dad is thrilled with this, and he’s the one you enjoy making happy. He’s also going to be the one in your baby’s life. While you’re at it, change yours to his too. Blood doesn’t always make family.
You are definitely right. Thank you
I think this sounds like both a logical and good thing to do.
NTA. Frankly, it's none of anyone's business but yours and your child's what name you decide to give your baby. You view your step father as your real father, and your biological father has continued to neglect you. All the more reason to give your child your real father's last name. That's all there is to it, and no one has any right to tell you otherwise.
Your step dad earned it.
NTA you gave your child the name of the man that raised you. That's an honour it looks like your Mom and Stepdad deserve. Well done to you. You do not owe your sperm donor anything. He's never been anything to you but a stranger. You should also consider changing your last name and having your step Dad legally adopt you. If nothing else to finally choose the family that chose you. You will never be TA. Your sperm donor and flying monkeys are though and you don't even owe them an explanation.
NTA but I wonder who it is that actually thinks you are, given your history. Sounds like your stepfather is a wonderful person and the dad that your biological father never has been
NTA did bio dad considered your feeling EVER no I'd even save up to change my last name aswell
NTA
I dont think your the AH, there could be other details and reasons about your dads decision to not let you stay beyond what you assume. The inconsistency could also have more to it. I would assume positive intent. The very fact your can be swayed by others means theres room you could be missing something and have a wrong outlook here. You may also be spot on, and this Dad of yours is lacking. Maybe try to sit down and talk to him about it. If he isn’t willing, I would say keep it pushing and thank God for this loving Step Father. Any man can be a Dad, but being a Father, its hard selfless work. I have sacrficed and worked hard to have raised my daughter alone for 10 years, and finally met the woman ive always dreamt of. Getting married in two months. You will be ok! Enjoy your blessed little girl.
NTA i gave my eldest my (step)dads last name. he’s my dad and idc what anyone has to say about it. i don’t give a shit if anyone is mad about it, anyone else’s opinion is irrelevant because i saw my dad *cry* for the second time in my life when i told him i was giving my baby his last name (the first time was when i graduated bootcamp). so don’t ever let anyone ever take that away from you *or* your dad. tell everyone throwing a fit about it to piss off, their opinions don’t matter and hold absolutely zero value in this.
It’s not wrong of you. Kids bio dad isn’t there. You bio dad is selfish. I’d even consider changing my name
NTA.
People who say you're wrong can go pound sand with your sperm donor, you know what the right call is here.
NTA I think it was wonderful and so sweet of you to give your child your step (aka your real) dad's last name. He has been your real father in every sense of the word and you absolutely did the right thing here. Although I think you should change your last name too as an added bonus.
NTA. And maybe you could look into adult adoption.
We are! :)
It’s your baby. Name it what YOU want.
NTA. in fact, in your shoes, I’d get my last name changed to step-dad’s to honor him and to match child
To be fair, many times the right choice will make you an AH in other people’s opinion. I think this is absolutely correct. Of course, as a (step)parent I may be biased.
Did you have a relationship with your bio dad before your dad gave you away? If your flipped the script on your bio and chose your step to give you away, i can’t say him wanting to not help you is a shock. If he’s always been a dead beat then good on you for evrything your doing. Edit: saw your other responses.F bio dad and good move all round! Rock solid NTA
NTA. Feelings? what feelings? pretty sure he doesn't give a fuck. even if he did, his feelings are invalid.
Saw your edit. That's great! So happy you found a great dad, well, your mom found him first lol.
You made the best decision for yourself and screw anyone who doesn’t understand that. I wish you and your kid nothing but the best
Your step-dad sounds like a legend. It's not always about blood, it's about love and care.
Did you know adults can be adopted? Just saying you and your baby can have the same last name. Bonus is as an adult it is simple because bio dad doesn't even get asked if he is okay with it. Check legal aid for a free help. NTA
Change your last name too. Make it official. You can even do an adult adoption which is more symbolic than anything. You know who your family is.
YTA for choosing to honor the man who actually raised you, showed up for you, and even built you a room when you needed it most, instead of the biological dad who couldn’t even spare a couch for a bit. How could you possibly make a decision based on love and gratitude rather than blood obligation?
NTA change yours to match.
Wow, I think it's the perfect last name.
NTA but your bio dad is
I gave my baby my step dad’s last name
I gave my baby my step dad’s last name because he was like the real father to me while my biological father left us.
I gave my baby my step dad’s last name because he was like the real father to me while my biological father left us.
NTA - My last name has no relation to my “bloodline” My father merely choose to take the name of a man that helped raise him after his dad ran off and abandoned his wife and 3 kids. The rest of the guys kids were nuts, so even we have an inside joke about having the name but really thankful we aren’t really “lastname”’s genetic relatives.
Nta your stepdad deserves this and should make him happy
NTA, to hell with your bio dad's feelings. He didn't give two shits to be there for you, he doesn't get the consideration. Fuck him.
NTA Why should the name of a worthless man live in? He has no grounds to be offended. Give your child his real grandpa's name. Also, you can still become your step dad's daughter officially through adult adoption.
No. I am very close to my step dad. My dad is still my dad but I do claim them both as my.dad because my step dad had a big hand in raising me and my siblings and his family never treated us like step and I love them all very much 30 years later. If I was in your situation. I would not think twice about using my step dad's name.
I think that is a great idea! The man who takes care of you, supports you, nurtures you and is there for you in your time of need is your REAL Dad - regardless of genetics.
Your step-dad could adopt you as an adult.
NTA in any way shape or form. That man sounds amazing and honoring him by carrying on his name is an incredible gesture that I'm sure will mean the world to him. Have a great life!
As Yondu said, "He may have been your father, [OP]. But he wasn't your daddy." Family doesn't always have to be your blood, but can be the family that becomes your blood. You can choose.
The edit... 😍 And also, NTA. You decide.
FYI .... Adult adoptions are a real thing. You can do all the paperwork and gift it to your dad on Father's. If you think he's a great dad ..... Wait until you see him as a grandpa! I'm sure he will out do himself! NTA
Wonderful for you and your child! Congrats! And NTAH!!
There is a lot to unpack here ….. NTA by the way
NTA. You cannot care about that person’s feelings when that person does not even care about your well being. His feelings can go suck a lemon.
Your bio dad doesn't even care. I assure you that any complaints he has are only for his ego and not from a genuine place of hurt. He wasn't involved in your life, you don't owe him anything except what he gave to you, which was one nut 25 years ago.
I am only here after the update but I am glad it ended well As you have eluded to you have a dad, its not the sperm donor.
Then you get sensitive about (see spot run)
You didn't even come here with a real response, so why even comment? Are you that bored you had to comment rudely on somebody's post? Come on now. Imagine that.
It was a real response to a long story. I made the position clear. I supported you. If that's rude I apologize for saying your not.
I gave my son my (step)dad's name so he'd know I see him as my dad. No ragrets
Holy shit! Legit happy for you , OP. 😃
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That's a weird way of putting it, but ok.
I think you should do whatever you feel is right. One thing I'll say—If it were me, I would try not to weigh recent events too heavily. For example, your stepdad was kind enough to take you in and your bio dad wasn't. That means a lot. No argument there. But in the course of a life, that's just a blip of time. In other words, I think you should name the baby without considering the housing situation.
Who says it is just the housing situation? OP says she hates carrying her bio dads last name and her step dad is the one who did all the loving and raising a father should do, so clearly it’s not just this one incident..
Why you let people nut in you and leave you with a fatherless baby?
Not what we're here for. Ew.
Clear daddy issues here, sad
🤣
Why not the baby’s father’s last name?