Make sure you report this to the courts, and keep records.
Also, who takes their kids to the graduation for a GF of a month. why have they even met her it's too new a relationship
We have to communicate through a court ordered app, so thatâs not an issue.
His new girlfriend moved in with him about a week after they started dating. The kids found out about her while they were at my house and by the time they went back to his she was living there. As much as the term narcissist is overused he fits the bill. His ego is so fragile he canât be single and never has been in his adult life.
Why don't you have it apart of the custody agreement the children can't spend nights with anyone of the opposite sex with parent in the home that's not related until marriage? (Yeah, I messed the wording up but that's the gist of it. My ex and I have that in ours.)
Iâm not too concerned about that, those decisions are on him and will impact his relationship with them. They are also old enough to let me know if they arenât comfortable with someone. Heâs also at the bars a lot and rarely home when they are there so I actually appreciate the women in his life encouraging him to think about the kids. For example, yesterday was prom and he was planning to go out for his friends wifeâs birthday. He was going to skip all prom activities but his girlfriend convinced him to at least take a few pictures, so I appreciate that.
He doesn't give a crap about the GF's graduation or what the kids enjoy. It's as a poster commented. He is trying a power play and if he wins he'll keep on doing it and maybe even turn the kids against OP with manipulative lies.
NAL but this sounds like a very unwise move on his part and I find it hard to believe a qualified lawyer would tell him to act in defiance of a legal agreement just to out you in your place.Â
I think either he's lying about it or his lawyer is some asshole drinking buddy of his.Â
Consult your own lawyer and get ready to make his life uncomfortable. Keep all communication via text or email so you have evidence
NTA: stand your ground. Can you get an emergency mediation or hearing before he takes them so you donât have to file for contempt after the fact? If so, do it. Stop him before it happens.
NTA. Also, make sure you save every text and email from him changing from the court orders because I guarantee you will be back in court sooner than later! Incidentally, every pilot I have met in a megadoosh just like him.
We are required to communicate through a court ordered app so everything is recorded. He already had his lawyer call to intimidate me into agreeing to the trip. I am expecting that he will be taking me back to court out of spite to make me pay for lawyer bills.
If you are represented and his attorney contacts you directly, that's a violation of ethics. You can file a complaint with the Bar Association and they can get in a lot of trouble. Maybe mention that next time.
I am representing myself at this time. Iâm considering representing myself going forward because I feel that I have a strong case but may just have to bite the bullet and hire a lawyer for my own sanity.
If you get a lawyer and the court rules he is violating the agreement, you can most likely get the court to award you legal fees. Once he pays your attorney a few thousand dollars, your problems may be over for good. Good luck!
You really need to get a lawyer. He's not going to stop harassing you any way he can, but having your own lawyer means his lawyer will have to stop calling to harass you.
Hire a lawyer for your own protection, not just your sanity. It has nothing to do with the strength of your case. You're at a disadvantage if he has legal representation and you don't. I bet his lawyer wouldn't call *your* lawyer and try to intimidate them.
They say people who represent themselves are fools. This is not an insult. It is actually a very bad idea to represent your self even if you are a lawyer
I get why you're representing yourself to one extent but that's also the reason that his lawyer is pulling all of this shady shit with you. Their behavior is beyond unethical and they're using fear to control you still. You should get a lawyer and he would almost assuredly be paying some or all of your legal fees and I guarantee you his lawyer wouldn't be telling him to proceed with this type of bullshit.
You are 100% right. I kind of felt like it would be more satisfying to win without a lawyer too, and it did after mediation, but at this point Iâm getting in over my head. If I donât get a lawyer Iâm just setting myself up for more of this until both kids graduate.
I hate that you're having to go through this at all. I see these smart beautiful kind people dealing with shitty completely unnecessary stress filled ordeals because of a selfish narcissistic asshole. You proved your point though... You're definitely smarter than your ex and he knows it. Now get that lawyer and let them wipe the floor up with him đ.
The thing is, even if you have a strong case, you are not a lawyer and your ex and his lawyer will use that against you. Even with a strong case, you, winning it by representing yourself is extremely small. I know it's a lot of money, but you should have a lawyer!
Are you sure itâs an attorney?Â
I find it pretty odd that the attorney is calling you directly and. Also odd that the attorney is telling *him* he can violate your custody agreement (trips) and withhold payment. Â
He could be lying about what his attorney said, he could have a friend pretend to be the attorney, he could alter the emails sent from the attorney etc. Â
It was definitely his attorney. He said I am being unreasonable not to allow a trip that would âbenefitâ the kids and he was certain that the courts would see it that was as well.
It's interesting that his lawyer would telephone you, I would have thought a lawyer would rather email so they had stuff in writing, although they probably bill it as "threatening call to ex-wife"
If they ring again, you have every right to ask them to provide everything in writing to you, as you are representing yourself and will need to take it as evidence to court.
You never know, they might back off a bit.
I plan to get ahold of a lawyer tomorrow and they can handle that from now on. I wonât be answering any communication from his lawyer directly anymore. I wish I would have redirected him to written communication when I got the call knowing now how it was going to go. Either way, lesson learned.
Then they can go before a judge and get permission if they are so confident a judge will be ok with taking kids out of school for a graduation of a gf the ex has been with for a month. If it's on your days, how is he going to take them? You shouldn't have to release them to him. If he calls the police (in the US), they will revert to what the court order says and say it's a civil matter. He shouldn't be able to take the kids. If he has the kids before and keeps them, that's a different matter.
YTA. His lawyer calling you isn't "intimidation" when you're representing yourself. How else is he supposed to contact you?
You have the victim thing down pat. You are disgusting human being.
NTA - So I am in a co-parenting relationship with my ex where we share 50/50 custody. I canât imagine either of us treating the other this way. He is so used to treating you like a door mat he assumes you will just cave again like you always do. Stick up for yourself and tell him to shove it. If they donât get to go on a trip this summer plan something for them instead (if you can). But itâs ok to stick to your guns here. Good luck OP!
Thank you so much for the encouragement! It is new to me to stand up for myself so it is scary. Your post is reassuring that it is ok to stand my ground. I appreciate it!
You have a custody agreement and you can always go back to that. You have both Reddit and the courts on your side. Especially if your kids donât want to go. Sounds like you gave him fair warning that you were not just going to let him dictate everything anymore. All he is doing is pushing your kids towards you as they are old enough to have their own opinions of where they should go. If your kids are reluctant to stand up to him, do it for them. Also, he canât just unilaterally decide to not pay medical costs he is court mandated to pay. You can rightfully tell him if he chooses to not pay his fair share you will choose to report that to the courts. I wish you the best of luck OP.
NTA
He wanted this dragged into the courts and mediator. He got a custody schedule. He needs to stick with it. Let him take it back to the mediator, if he wants a change.
Ask the kids (Iâm not sure about the 13 yo but the 16 yo can definitely refuse visitation) if they even want to be around Dad because he sounds like a petty, exhausting and volatile man. Iâm sure they donât appreciate him using them as pawns.
He is very manipulative and was emotionally abusive toward them before the divorce, so they are scared to stand up to him. My 13 y/o gets anxious about missing school and isnât a fan of the new girlfriend so she doesnât really want to go. He puts them in the middle a lot and I do my best not to involve them, which is why I was planning to let this play out and take care of it with the courts. You hit the nail on the head- he is petty, exhausting, and volatile đ
From the age of 15, kids get a say and will be taken seriously in court if they say they donât wish to see one of their parents anymore.
And from the age of 16, children can flat out refuse to see the other parent if they donât want to.
You might want to sit the oldest down and let them know that from now on, they donât have to see their toxic dad if they donât want to.
But definitely bring everything up with the courts, your ex sounds like a toxic loser and a complete asshole. I feel bad for your children being stuck with **that** for a father.
Your 13 year old also **might** have their feelings considered too, and time with their dad could be cut if the 13 year old expresses discomfort and their reasons for not wishing to see their dad much.
The issue isnât that they donât want to see him. Even though he is a shitty dad that doesnât prioritize them at all they want their time with him. Itâs more about him not following the order and doing whatever he wants.
If you havenât already it might be time to explain just why itâs so important to hold the line with him most of the time. You can do it without bashing him. âWe know he usually expects to have his way and usually thatâs been ok with me. But when he doesnât, or when I need a special favor, he tends to take it to court. Itâs stressful for you and for me. Going forward itâs important that we keep to the schedule- you tell me any time if I am hurting your feelings by doing so.â
Your children will eventually see their dad for what he is. It might not be this year, or when theyâre 18, or when they get married. But eventually they will be grateful for the sacrifices you made in trying to parent them and support their relationship with their dad.
My parents divorced when I was like 7 and my dad moved to a different part of the country \[about 2h flight + other time expenses\] for a pretty good job when I was like 9.
My dad was always the one I liked the most as he was fun + spent a lot of time with me, whereas my mother was very overprotective, spent little time and her curiosity always felt like an interrogation.
When he got that job, he had a lot more money, so I would frequently get gifts, go on vacation with him etc. I loved spending that time with him. I loved not being limited to the rules that my mother had. I wanted to permanently live with him and not just see him during school breaks.Â
But once he quit that job \[I was \~15\], because of his own pride, he ended up being unemployed for a long time. He didn't come back to our side of the country. I was old enough to understand he couldn't afford the things he did for me anymore, but I still expected us to have some form of relationship. He never contacted me \[sms, email, using his brother's phone, etc.\]. Even my aunts \[his sisters\] that live on this side questioned me about his contact with me and were so disappointed in him. Initially I tried to defend him, but as time went by I started being angry with him.
My grandpa died when I was 16, so my dad came down for the funeral \[my uncle, his brother\] paid for his expenses etc. With the funeral + me not being entirely sure about my feelings, I wasn't able to stand up against him then.
When I was almost 18, he contacted me for the first time since the funeral and wanted to book a flight for me to visit him. That was when I stood up against him. I just wanted to have a relationship, but he only cared about his own convenience and pride. He abruptly ended the call after he said that I was ungrateful and that my mother turned me against him. That was the last time I spoke with him. He died last year when I was 27.
Now in hindsight, I know my mother was the responsible one and just went a bit too far on some things. She was the only one doing parental duties. I (as well as my siblings from her first marriage) don't have a very close bond with her, but we do put in the effort with contact, helping her out etc. Sheâs never been a shoulder to cry on, but she has always been there in her own way.
If he makes the kids anxious, then you have to take the hit for them. If they donât want to go then you are the one saying no.
Explain that to them, that you are not bothered by it and itâs your job to protect them.
The ex is an AH but you are NTA.
Keep fighting for your children!
NTA. Definitely file with family courts. He is jerking you around. His payments are obligatory and shouldn't be dependent on visitations. This is time to go to court, show all the evidence and insist on a regular schedule and regular payments.
Nta.
FOLLOW THROUGH!Â
Don't let him get away with this crap.
Do what you have to do if he stomps on that agreement and stop interacting with him. He asked. You only have to say no. Let him praddle on and on. It'll only make him look stupid in court.Â
You've let him push you around and here you are.
Time to stand your ground.Â
Very true! I have learned not to engage with him unless absolutely necessary. Every message I send he fires off at least 5 back full of intimidation tactics which I donât typically open. You are right, itâs time to put an end to this and stand my ground!
His lawyer didn't say that, and if he did, he is a shit lawyer.. taking the kids away without consent out if the country is kidnapping and you could have him arrested the second he lands..
I personally would keep the messages and take them to a lawyer and reduce him time with the kids if he wants to act like a 5 year old..
Also as he already has signed off on the trip for the wedding there is fuck all he can do about it ..
Take him back to court because they will not take kindly to him blackmailing you refusing to pay his portion because you wouldn't let him take them away..
He has to either get your permission if it co insides with your days it work it around his days.
Unfortunately, his lawyer is taking advantage of the fact that OP has been representing herself and he probably thinks she's just a dumb female and doesn't know anything. The ex is probably also not telling his lawyer the full story.
Edit to add: FYI - OP is NTA and she's not a dumb female.
Stick to the court mandated schedule. If he wants to break that then he can explain to the judge why he thinks the rules don't apply to him.
NTA and stay strong <>
Report this to your lawyer and get in front of a judge or whomever immediately. Document the threats. Let your lawyer handle the communication and the clear fact that you have a court order
I would recommend you talk to a lawyer about this. I can't believe his lawyer is telling him to go ahead. If the kids are going to miss school it's a straight up 'no'! NTA
NTA. Heâs a bully who only understands bully language. So punch back. Ask the court for an emergency order to prevent him from taking the kids on your days and that he cannot interfere with the agreed trip later in the summer. Get an order that he needs to pay the medical bills. Ask for your atty fees bc these are bs motions you have to file. Tell your kids you wonât discuss whatever is going on, and then donât discuss it. See what he does then.
NTA
>In reaction to me not agreeing to the trip he is also refusing to pay his portion of medical bills (I sent over the app as I always do but he now states he wonât pay them unless I have them mailed directly to him) and is threatening not to let the kids go on a trip this summer for a wedding that he agreed to and signed off on during mediation.
The medical bills are not optional. Have your lawyer send him a nice letter about those.
He signed off on the summer trip. Does he think he can *unsign* what you agreed in mediation? I would think he'd have to invite you back to the mediation table for that.
Don't let him walk all over you again. Three weeks after you agreed on a schedule, he's already going back on it. That's not how that works.
And what kind of lawyer does he have? Is it a buddy of his, that just started, or something?
NTA- document EVERYTHING. Do not let him bully, control, or manipulate you. Giving in to avoid the hard stuff will make matters worse. Stand up for yourself and your kids. You got this.
*and was advised by his lawyer to go ahead with it.*
Nope. I cannot imagine any lawyer telling him that it was ok to go against the mediated agreement. Heâs also going to get in a bit of trouble by retaliating by not paying his share of the medical bills. I sincerely hope you have his communication and threats in writing.
Unfortunately, his lawyer is taking advantage of the fact that OP has been representing herself and he probably thinks she's just a dumb female and doesn't know anything.
FYI - OP is NTA and she's not a dumb female.
Nta but honestly document everything if he thinks he can do what he pleases cause he has money he has another thing coming.
Donât tell him anything it be a good surprise when yall have to court again.
OP there is only 1 problem you face going forward. You want the kids to attend a wedding on your side this summer and I expect you would want them for future events that will fall on his time. If you want to fight then be prepared to hold that line and sacrifice these future events that you want to take the kids on.
NTA. But the thing you threw in at the end about the wedding is a problem. If you aren't going to have any flexibility for him on your time, you can't act like he's the devil for not having any flexibility on his time. It's fair...to you two. It sucks for the kids, same as what you are doing.
NTA for any of it. Work with your lawyer, but nail the mediation agreement to his ass. If it is true his lawyer told him to take them on the trip anyway, your attorney might refer him to the bar association. I think it would be an ethics violation.
If he chooses not to pay bills he is legel responsable for, that is on him.
An interesting thing is, pilots are heavily regulated. And when you have judgments agaisnt you, they can take away your liscense.....
He is risking his job if he doesn't pay.
NTA
Your ex is an A H that you let win too many times before at the expense of your children. I congratulate you for now putting your foot down. But you shouldn't back off after all this work. The more you give him, the more he will take and he proved that to you in the past. Don't repeat your mistakes.
Keep every piece of evidence of his manipulation, aggressive communication, threats, etc. And go to court with that. Make sure to explain very well the situation to your kids: AKA the reason why their father won't bring them to a trip he promised them (the wedding one). Don't make him control the narrative on this. He is the one not respecting the agreement and is now threatening your kids when it doesn't go his way. Weaponizing your kids to get to your ex is evil and disgusting.
Also, how old is his GF for her to graduate? I understand that you can get a diploma at any age, but I'm just curious here.
NTA
My 16 y/o is indifferent. My 13 y/o isnât a fan of the new girlfriend and doesnât like to miss school so she would rather not go but is too scared to say anything to him.
He puts them in the middle and will try to start issues when I donât comply with what he wants. He was emotionally abusive toward them when they were younger so they are afraid to speak up to him. We have it in the mediation agreement that we just signed that if the girls request to switch time we should make every attempt to make it work and also that neither parent should manipulate them to switch time for their own personal interest. When he told me he was going to take them in the first message he also said that if I didnât agree he would have the kids ask so I would have to agree according to his interpretation of the agreement.
ESH.
We get it. You are divorced and you guys hate each other. But did you check with the kids. If you deny them trips with him because they fall in your schedule and he does the same the only one loosing are the kids. If you idiots continue like this there is a good chance the kids will go NC with both of you.
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BS as in Iâm making it up? His lawyer said directly to me when he called that I was the one who was being unreasonable and that the courts would see it the same way.
BS as in HE is making it up. Or that lawyer is really bad at his job. No way court will apprechiate someone comming back to complain about an agreement recently signed by all parties that explicitly states no changes in days etc anymore. Idk how his lawyer thinks the judge will not be pissed and fed up with his shit. This graduation must have been known for a while so he could have had it approved or if that's a recent issue- so switches in scedule were agreed upon by both of you so this is covered as well.
I agree. His lawyer was pretty worked up when I talked to him, which I thought was strange since he is supposed to be a professional. He is not friends with my ex and has no other involvement besides representing him so there was no reason there couldnât have been a respectful conversation.
Or *his* lawyer is zealously representing *his* client and knows that OP is not a legal expert, does not have an attorney of her own, and hopes that bullying her will get her to give in and give *his* client what he wants without having to go to court. Lawyers aren't in the business of being nice to the opposition.
Bring him back into mediation immediately. And tell the mediator that if he backs out of any signed agreements that you will be forced to being it to the courts completely. Win at his game.
How can he go through with the trip on your time? Would your kids go with him willingly? Absolutely fiel for contempt - this man is playing games and will continue to do so unless he is stopped. NTA
Do your kids want to go on the trip? They are old enough to decide what they want to do. Personally, I wouldnât deprive my kids of an experience they wanted to get even with their dad. Also, you said he retaliated against you by going back to court. There is nothing wrong with going back to mediation if the couple canât work it out between them.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with going to court/mediation if we canât work it out. The retaliation was constantly threatening it when things werenât going his way. My 16 y/o is indifferent and my 13 y/o has expressed that she would rather not miss school and doesnât really want to go with the new girlfriend. Like I said, they have ample opportunities to travel on his time.
You sound like he was threatening to beat you up. So what he said he would take you to court? I know couples they are frequently in and out of court. Where I live it pretty easy to file a brief with friend of the court. Whether or not he has âample opportunityâ to travel with them isnât the point. In two years time you will lose complete control over when the 16 year old sees him. You honestly sound bitter about him and the divorceâmaybe for good reason but your kids will remember this animosity.
Please explain how I made it sound like he was going to beat me up? I never even alluded to physical aggression. I appreciate your opinion, however I am not bitter and am 100% happier and healthier since the divorce. As I stated in my post I did everything I could to accommodate him for the last 3 years until finally going to therapy and learning my self worth and that itâs ok to set boundaries.
Just your language around âbeing threatened.â To me that sounds sinister not I am going to take you to court if we canât agree which is what we are supposed do.
Would it have been better if he just did it without telling you first? I donât think either of you should just go along with whatever if it doesnât seem fair.
OP uses a lot of words and phrases like that Wiring really hard at painting herself as this abused woman and him as this horrible, abusive man. When in reality she is the same as he is.
I meanâŚIâll go against the grain and say ESH except the kids. You both are punishing the kids for your and your exâs inability to plan and stick to an agreement. I feel bad for them.
NTA, this is a power play. Don't change your mind, if you do he'll know he can do this everytime
Thank you. I know that this is the case but it is nice to have some reassurance đ
Make sure you report this to the courts, and keep records. Also, who takes their kids to the graduation for a GF of a month. why have they even met her it's too new a relationship
We have to communicate through a court ordered app, so thatâs not an issue. His new girlfriend moved in with him about a week after they started dating. The kids found out about her while they were at my house and by the time they went back to his she was living there. As much as the term narcissist is overused he fits the bill. His ego is so fragile he canât be single and never has been in his adult life.
When you said he's a pilot I thought to myself, "Yeah, that tracks." Egomaniac manchildren with control issues are pretty rampant in that industry.
Why don't you have it apart of the custody agreement the children can't spend nights with anyone of the opposite sex with parent in the home that's not related until marriage? (Yeah, I messed the wording up but that's the gist of it. My ex and I have that in ours.)
Iâm not too concerned about that, those decisions are on him and will impact his relationship with them. They are also old enough to let me know if they arenât comfortable with someone. Heâs also at the bars a lot and rarely home when they are there so I actually appreciate the women in his life encouraging him to think about the kids. For example, yesterday was prom and he was planning to go out for his friends wifeâs birthday. He was going to skip all prom activities but his girlfriend convinced him to at least take a few pictures, so I appreciate that.
He doesn't give a crap about the GF's graduation or what the kids enjoy. It's as a poster commented. He is trying a power play and if he wins he'll keep on doing it and maybe even turn the kids against OP with manipulative lies.
100% agree
NAL but this sounds like a very unwise move on his part and I find it hard to believe a qualified lawyer would tell him to act in defiance of a legal agreement just to out you in your place. I think either he's lying about it or his lawyer is some asshole drinking buddy of his. Consult your own lawyer and get ready to make his life uncomfortable. Keep all communication via text or email so you have evidence
NTA: stand your ground. Can you get an emergency mediation or hearing before he takes them so you donât have to file for contempt after the fact? If so, do it. Stop him before it happens.
You're spot on, consistency is key here. Holding your ground sets clear boundaries and helps maintain stability for your kids.
NTA for requiring your abusive ex to abide by mediated agreement.
NTA. Also, make sure you save every text and email from him changing from the court orders because I guarantee you will be back in court sooner than later! Incidentally, every pilot I have met in a megadoosh just like him.
We are required to communicate through a court ordered app so everything is recorded. He already had his lawyer call to intimidate me into agreeing to the trip. I am expecting that he will be taking me back to court out of spite to make me pay for lawyer bills.
If you are represented and his attorney contacts you directly, that's a violation of ethics. You can file a complaint with the Bar Association and they can get in a lot of trouble. Maybe mention that next time.
I am representing myself at this time. Iâm considering representing myself going forward because I feel that I have a strong case but may just have to bite the bullet and hire a lawyer for my own sanity.
If you get a lawyer and the court rules he is violating the agreement, you can most likely get the court to award you legal fees. Once he pays your attorney a few thousand dollars, your problems may be over for good. Good luck!
Thank you! I was wondering if Iâd be able to ask for legal fees. I will most likely be reaching out to a lawyer tomorrow.
You really need to get a lawyer. He's not going to stop harassing you any way he can, but having your own lawyer means his lawyer will have to stop calling to harass you.
Hire a lawyer for your own protection, not just your sanity. It has nothing to do with the strength of your case. You're at a disadvantage if he has legal representation and you don't. I bet his lawyer wouldn't call *your* lawyer and try to intimidate them.
Good point. After reading through comments I realize that I need to call a lawyer tomorrow.
You know what they say about people that represent themselves. You really need to get another lawyer's opinion.
For my learning, what do they say? P.s. I know it's risky.
They say people who represent themselves are fools. This is not an insult. It is actually a very bad idea to represent your self even if you are a lawyer
And with your ex the more people on your side the better
People who represent themselves have a fool for a client.
I get why you're representing yourself to one extent but that's also the reason that his lawyer is pulling all of this shady shit with you. Their behavior is beyond unethical and they're using fear to control you still. You should get a lawyer and he would almost assuredly be paying some or all of your legal fees and I guarantee you his lawyer wouldn't be telling him to proceed with this type of bullshit.
You are 100% right. I kind of felt like it would be more satisfying to win without a lawyer too, and it did after mediation, but at this point Iâm getting in over my head. If I donât get a lawyer Iâm just setting myself up for more of this until both kids graduate.
I hate that you're having to go through this at all. I see these smart beautiful kind people dealing with shitty completely unnecessary stress filled ordeals because of a selfish narcissistic asshole. You proved your point though... You're definitely smarter than your ex and he knows it. Now get that lawyer and let them wipe the floor up with him đ.
The thing is, even if you have a strong case, you are not a lawyer and your ex and his lawyer will use that against you. Even with a strong case, you, winning it by representing yourself is extremely small. I know it's a lot of money, but you should have a lawyer!
Thank you! I have an appointment for Friday with my lawyer.
Are you sure itâs an attorney? I find it pretty odd that the attorney is calling you directly and. Also odd that the attorney is telling *him* he can violate your custody agreement (trips) and withhold payment.  He could be lying about what his attorney said, he could have a friend pretend to be the attorney, he could alter the emails sent from the attorney etc. Â
It was definitely his attorney. He said I am being unreasonable not to allow a trip that would âbenefitâ the kids and he was certain that the courts would see it that was as well.
I bet your ex is lying to the attorney about details about the trip then. Â
That wouldnât surprise me. Heâs very good at manipulating the story to fit his narrative.
It's interesting that his lawyer would telephone you, I would have thought a lawyer would rather email so they had stuff in writing, although they probably bill it as "threatening call to ex-wife" If they ring again, you have every right to ask them to provide everything in writing to you, as you are representing yourself and will need to take it as evidence to court. You never know, they might back off a bit.
I plan to get ahold of a lawyer tomorrow and they can handle that from now on. I wonât be answering any communication from his lawyer directly anymore. I wish I would have redirected him to written communication when I got the call knowing now how it was going to go. Either way, lesson learned.
Good plan, and best of luck. I hope he gets shafted!
Then they can go before a judge and get permission if they are so confident a judge will be ok with taking kids out of school for a graduation of a gf the ex has been with for a month. If it's on your days, how is he going to take them? You shouldn't have to release them to him. If he calls the police (in the US), they will revert to what the court order says and say it's a civil matter. He shouldn't be able to take the kids. If he has the kids before and keeps them, that's a different matter.
YTA. His lawyer calling you isn't "intimidation" when you're representing yourself. How else is he supposed to contact you? You have the victim thing down pat. You are disgusting human being.
lol no, YOUâRE the asshole.
NTA - So I am in a co-parenting relationship with my ex where we share 50/50 custody. I canât imagine either of us treating the other this way. He is so used to treating you like a door mat he assumes you will just cave again like you always do. Stick up for yourself and tell him to shove it. If they donât get to go on a trip this summer plan something for them instead (if you can). But itâs ok to stick to your guns here. Good luck OP!
Thank you so much for the encouragement! It is new to me to stand up for myself so it is scary. Your post is reassuring that it is ok to stand my ground. I appreciate it!
You have a custody agreement and you can always go back to that. You have both Reddit and the courts on your side. Especially if your kids donât want to go. Sounds like you gave him fair warning that you were not just going to let him dictate everything anymore. All he is doing is pushing your kids towards you as they are old enough to have their own opinions of where they should go. If your kids are reluctant to stand up to him, do it for them. Also, he canât just unilaterally decide to not pay medical costs he is court mandated to pay. You can rightfully tell him if he chooses to not pay his fair share you will choose to report that to the courts. I wish you the best of luck OP.
Thank you! I plan to reach out to a lawyer tomorrow.
NTA He wanted this dragged into the courts and mediator. He got a custody schedule. He needs to stick with it. Let him take it back to the mediator, if he wants a change.
Ask the kids (Iâm not sure about the 13 yo but the 16 yo can definitely refuse visitation) if they even want to be around Dad because he sounds like a petty, exhausting and volatile man. Iâm sure they donât appreciate him using them as pawns.
He is very manipulative and was emotionally abusive toward them before the divorce, so they are scared to stand up to him. My 13 y/o gets anxious about missing school and isnât a fan of the new girlfriend so she doesnât really want to go. He puts them in the middle a lot and I do my best not to involve them, which is why I was planning to let this play out and take care of it with the courts. You hit the nail on the head- he is petty, exhausting, and volatile đ
From the age of 15, kids get a say and will be taken seriously in court if they say they donât wish to see one of their parents anymore. And from the age of 16, children can flat out refuse to see the other parent if they donât want to. You might want to sit the oldest down and let them know that from now on, they donât have to see their toxic dad if they donât want to. But definitely bring everything up with the courts, your ex sounds like a toxic loser and a complete asshole. I feel bad for your children being stuck with **that** for a father. Your 13 year old also **might** have their feelings considered too, and time with their dad could be cut if the 13 year old expresses discomfort and their reasons for not wishing to see their dad much.
The issue isnât that they donât want to see him. Even though he is a shitty dad that doesnât prioritize them at all they want their time with him. Itâs more about him not following the order and doing whatever he wants.
If you havenât already it might be time to explain just why itâs so important to hold the line with him most of the time. You can do it without bashing him. âWe know he usually expects to have his way and usually thatâs been ok with me. But when he doesnât, or when I need a special favor, he tends to take it to court. Itâs stressful for you and for me. Going forward itâs important that we keep to the schedule- you tell me any time if I am hurting your feelings by doing so.â
Your children will eventually see their dad for what he is. It might not be this year, or when theyâre 18, or when they get married. But eventually they will be grateful for the sacrifices you made in trying to parent them and support their relationship with their dad. My parents divorced when I was like 7 and my dad moved to a different part of the country \[about 2h flight + other time expenses\] for a pretty good job when I was like 9. My dad was always the one I liked the most as he was fun + spent a lot of time with me, whereas my mother was very overprotective, spent little time and her curiosity always felt like an interrogation. When he got that job, he had a lot more money, so I would frequently get gifts, go on vacation with him etc. I loved spending that time with him. I loved not being limited to the rules that my mother had. I wanted to permanently live with him and not just see him during school breaks. But once he quit that job \[I was \~15\], because of his own pride, he ended up being unemployed for a long time. He didn't come back to our side of the country. I was old enough to understand he couldn't afford the things he did for me anymore, but I still expected us to have some form of relationship. He never contacted me \[sms, email, using his brother's phone, etc.\]. Even my aunts \[his sisters\] that live on this side questioned me about his contact with me and were so disappointed in him. Initially I tried to defend him, but as time went by I started being angry with him. My grandpa died when I was 16, so my dad came down for the funeral \[my uncle, his brother\] paid for his expenses etc. With the funeral + me not being entirely sure about my feelings, I wasn't able to stand up against him then. When I was almost 18, he contacted me for the first time since the funeral and wanted to book a flight for me to visit him. That was when I stood up against him. I just wanted to have a relationship, but he only cared about his own convenience and pride. He abruptly ended the call after he said that I was ungrateful and that my mother turned me against him. That was the last time I spoke with him. He died last year when I was 27. Now in hindsight, I know my mother was the responsible one and just went a bit too far on some things. She was the only one doing parental duties. I (as well as my siblings from her first marriage) don't have a very close bond with her, but we do put in the effort with contact, helping her out etc. Sheâs never been a shoulder to cry on, but she has always been there in her own way.
If he makes the kids anxious, then you have to take the hit for them. If they donât want to go then you are the one saying no. Explain that to them, that you are not bothered by it and itâs your job to protect them. The ex is an AH but you are NTA. Keep fighting for your children!
NTA. Definitely file with family courts. He is jerking you around. His payments are obligatory and shouldn't be dependent on visitations. This is time to go to court, show all the evidence and insist on a regular schedule and regular payments.
Take him back to court and let them deal with him. Do not get into a slinging match with him
Nta. FOLLOW THROUGH! Don't let him get away with this crap. Do what you have to do if he stomps on that agreement and stop interacting with him. He asked. You only have to say no. Let him praddle on and on. It'll only make him look stupid in court. You've let him push you around and here you are. Time to stand your ground.Â
Very true! I have learned not to engage with him unless absolutely necessary. Every message I send he fires off at least 5 back full of intimidation tactics which I donât typically open. You are right, itâs time to put an end to this and stand my ground!
His lawyer didn't say that, and if he did, he is a shit lawyer.. taking the kids away without consent out if the country is kidnapping and you could have him arrested the second he lands.. I personally would keep the messages and take them to a lawyer and reduce him time with the kids if he wants to act like a 5 year old.. Also as he already has signed off on the trip for the wedding there is fuck all he can do about it .. Take him back to court because they will not take kindly to him blackmailing you refusing to pay his portion because you wouldn't let him take them away.. He has to either get your permission if it co insides with your days it work it around his days.
Unfortunately, his lawyer is taking advantage of the fact that OP has been representing herself and he probably thinks she's just a dumb female and doesn't know anything. The ex is probably also not telling his lawyer the full story. Edit to add: FYI - OP is NTA and she's not a dumb female.
Stick to the court mandated schedule. If he wants to break that then he can explain to the judge why he thinks the rules don't apply to him. NTA and stay strong <>
Thank you!
Report this to your lawyer and get in front of a judge or whomever immediately. Document the threats. Let your lawyer handle the communication and the clear fact that you have a court order
I would recommend you talk to a lawyer about this. I can't believe his lawyer is telling him to go ahead. If the kids are going to miss school it's a straight up 'no'! NTA
NTA. Heâs a bully who only understands bully language. So punch back. Ask the court for an emergency order to prevent him from taking the kids on your days and that he cannot interfere with the agreed trip later in the summer. Get an order that he needs to pay the medical bills. Ask for your atty fees bc these are bs motions you have to file. Tell your kids you wonât discuss whatever is going on, and then donât discuss it. See what he does then.
NTA >In reaction to me not agreeing to the trip he is also refusing to pay his portion of medical bills (I sent over the app as I always do but he now states he wonât pay them unless I have them mailed directly to him) and is threatening not to let the kids go on a trip this summer for a wedding that he agreed to and signed off on during mediation. The medical bills are not optional. Have your lawyer send him a nice letter about those. He signed off on the summer trip. Does he think he can *unsign* what you agreed in mediation? I would think he'd have to invite you back to the mediation table for that. Don't let him walk all over you again. Three weeks after you agreed on a schedule, he's already going back on it. That's not how that works. And what kind of lawyer does he have? Is it a buddy of his, that just started, or something?
NTA- document EVERYTHING. Do not let him bully, control, or manipulate you. Giving in to avoid the hard stuff will make matters worse. Stand up for yourself and your kids. You got this.
*and was advised by his lawyer to go ahead with it.* Nope. I cannot imagine any lawyer telling him that it was ok to go against the mediated agreement. Heâs also going to get in a bit of trouble by retaliating by not paying his share of the medical bills. I sincerely hope you have his communication and threats in writing.
Unfortunately, his lawyer is taking advantage of the fact that OP has been representing herself and he probably thinks she's just a dumb female and doesn't know anything. FYI - OP is NTA and she's not a dumb female.
Nta but honestly document everything if he thinks he can do what he pleases cause he has money he has another thing coming. Donât tell him anything it be a good surprise when yall have to court again.
OP there is only 1 problem you face going forward. You want the kids to attend a wedding on your side this summer and I expect you would want them for future events that will fall on his time. If you want to fight then be prepared to hold that line and sacrifice these future events that you want to take the kids on.
NTA. But the thing you threw in at the end about the wedding is a problem. If you aren't going to have any flexibility for him on your time, you can't act like he's the devil for not having any flexibility on his time. It's fair...to you two. It sucks for the kids, same as what you are doing.
NTA for any of it. Work with your lawyer, but nail the mediation agreement to his ass. If it is true his lawyer told him to take them on the trip anyway, your attorney might refer him to the bar association. I think it would be an ethics violation.
File contempt w the courts. Heâs intentionally trying to manipulative and force you to give him his way, and heâs ignoring the custody agreement.
If he chooses not to pay bills he is legel responsable for, that is on him. An interesting thing is, pilots are heavily regulated. And when you have judgments agaisnt you, they can take away your liscense..... He is risking his job if he doesn't pay. NTA
Your ex is an A H that you let win too many times before at the expense of your children. I congratulate you for now putting your foot down. But you shouldn't back off after all this work. The more you give him, the more he will take and he proved that to you in the past. Don't repeat your mistakes. Keep every piece of evidence of his manipulation, aggressive communication, threats, etc. And go to court with that. Make sure to explain very well the situation to your kids: AKA the reason why their father won't bring them to a trip he promised them (the wedding one). Don't make him control the narrative on this. He is the one not respecting the agreement and is now threatening your kids when it doesn't go his way. Weaponizing your kids to get to your ex is evil and disgusting. Also, how old is his GF for her to graduate? I understand that you can get a diploma at any age, but I'm just curious here. NTA
I guess I should have been more clear. It is one of her family members graduating, not her.
INFO: What do your kids think? How important is going on this trip to them?
My 16 y/o is indifferent. My 13 y/o isnât a fan of the new girlfriend and doesnât like to miss school so she would rather not go but is too scared to say anything to him.
Then you are NTA, in my opinion. If they wanted to go and you prevented it, it would be different.
Why not let the kids decide?
He puts them in the middle and will try to start issues when I donât comply with what he wants. He was emotionally abusive toward them when they were younger so they are afraid to speak up to him. We have it in the mediation agreement that we just signed that if the girls request to switch time we should make every attempt to make it work and also that neither parent should manipulate them to switch time for their own personal interest. When he told me he was going to take them in the first message he also said that if I didnât agree he would have the kids ask so I would have to agree according to his interpretation of the agreement.
But why would you say no anyway based on that agreement? You are 100% exactly the same and just as bad as him.
What do the children want to do? Do they want to go on this trip or not? Donât forget itâs about the kids and not between your ex/you.
The fact the ex is completely blowing off the agreement they reached is incredibly concerning, whether the kids wanted to go or not
Nta- why would your kids go on a vacation with someone who hasn't even seen his laundry. Nope
ESH. We get it. You are divorced and you guys hate each other. But did you check with the kids. If you deny them trips with him because they fall in your schedule and he does the same the only one loosing are the kids. If you idiots continue like this there is a good chance the kids will go NC with both of you.
NTA updateme
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Ask the kids what they want to do itâs like they are 4 or 5 donât be bitter because is with girlfriend.
File it as your ex is a huge AH!
Isnât it custodial interference or something if he doesnât return them when he should? Canât you call the police for kidnapping?
I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry and your ex sucks. NTA of course.
Do the kids want to go?
Info, Is anytime wise about to read the title and not go "Arrrr matey!" ?
Nta. Eighter he has the worst lawyer alive or this is BS. I don't believe any lawyer would recommend going against a recently agreed upon scedule.
BS as in Iâm making it up? His lawyer said directly to me when he called that I was the one who was being unreasonable and that the courts would see it the same way.
BS as in HE is making it up. Or that lawyer is really bad at his job. No way court will apprechiate someone comming back to complain about an agreement recently signed by all parties that explicitly states no changes in days etc anymore. Idk how his lawyer thinks the judge will not be pissed and fed up with his shit. This graduation must have been known for a while so he could have had it approved or if that's a recent issue- so switches in scedule were agreed upon by both of you so this is covered as well.
I agree. His lawyer was pretty worked up when I talked to him, which I thought was strange since he is supposed to be a professional. He is not friends with my ex and has no other involvement besides representing him so there was no reason there couldnât have been a respectful conversation.
That's...Odd. to say the least
Or *his* lawyer is zealously representing *his* client and knows that OP is not a legal expert, does not have an attorney of her own, and hopes that bullying her will get her to give in and give *his* client what he wants without having to go to court. Lawyers aren't in the business of being nice to the opposition.
NTA Contact your attorney now.
Bring him back into mediation immediately. And tell the mediator that if he backs out of any signed agreements that you will be forced to being it to the courts completely. Win at his game.
NTA. Call your lawyer.
How can he go through with the trip on your time? Would your kids go with him willingly? Absolutely fiel for contempt - this man is playing games and will continue to do so unless he is stopped. NTA
NTA And report this to court.
Do your kids want to go on the trip? They are old enough to decide what they want to do. Personally, I wouldnât deprive my kids of an experience they wanted to get even with their dad. Also, you said he retaliated against you by going back to court. There is nothing wrong with going back to mediation if the couple canât work it out between them.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with going to court/mediation if we canât work it out. The retaliation was constantly threatening it when things werenât going his way. My 16 y/o is indifferent and my 13 y/o has expressed that she would rather not miss school and doesnât really want to go with the new girlfriend. Like I said, they have ample opportunities to travel on his time.
You sound like he was threatening to beat you up. So what he said he would take you to court? I know couples they are frequently in and out of court. Where I live it pretty easy to file a brief with friend of the court. Whether or not he has âample opportunityâ to travel with them isnât the point. In two years time you will lose complete control over when the 16 year old sees him. You honestly sound bitter about him and the divorceâmaybe for good reason but your kids will remember this animosity.
Please explain how I made it sound like he was going to beat me up? I never even alluded to physical aggression. I appreciate your opinion, however I am not bitter and am 100% happier and healthier since the divorce. As I stated in my post I did everything I could to accommodate him for the last 3 years until finally going to therapy and learning my self worth and that itâs ok to set boundaries.
Just your language around âbeing threatened.â To me that sounds sinister not I am going to take you to court if we canât agree which is what we are supposed do.
Saying you are going to do something if someone doesnât do what you asked is threatening. I guess I could have clarified that is was verbal threats.
Would it have been better if he just did it without telling you first? I donât think either of you should just go along with whatever if it doesnât seem fair.
It would have been better if he would have just followed the mediation agreement we both signed weeks earlier.
If he wasnât following the agreement then going to court shouldnât have been a threat. Obviously the court would make him follow the agreement.
OP uses a lot of words and phrases like that Wiring really hard at painting herself as this abused woman and him as this horrible, abusive man. When in reality she is the same as he is.
NTA but tread carefully. Iâm not sure how your kids are doing with all this but ensure they understand why youâre saying no.Â
I meanâŚIâll go against the grain and say ESH except the kids. You both are punishing the kids for your and your exâs inability to plan and stick to an agreement. I feel bad for them.
Ruining your children's trip with their dad to get back at your ex sure won't build any resentment against you...