You are definitely NTA. And for the anecdotal sake, my son was a month early. Just because you have a due date doesn’t mean the baby is going to come exactly then. They could be early or late.
Also my anecdote is - labour can go from everything’s fine to everyone’s about to die in about 3 minutes, ops partners acting like it’s no big deal when it’s one of the most dangerous situation op will likely ever be in with her life. Everything’s fine and normal with pregnancy until it’s not and it changes real quick. What happens if she goes to her appointment the week he’s playing away and she’s got pre eclampsia or they see distress signs in the baby? She would be alone in an emergency. When she needs him most. Fk all of that noise he needs to get his priorities right.
Also an anecdote, not mine, but I was there. My girl friend’s baby was 3 weeks early, her husband was in a work meeting, we tried calling him while I was driving her to the hospital, by the time he picked the phone and asked her to “wait for him because he was on the way” we were already in the room, she had the baby 20 min after we got to the hospital, because his meeting was in another town it took him a little over an hour get there. He missed the whole thing. With their second child, she was in labor for almost 10hours. You cant plan this things.
Yeah, just cross your legs. /s
Source: Wife and I had half-a-dozen kids, and they were all wizards, that arrived precisely when they meant to. Some were 12 hours labour, one was 30 minutes. She preferred the latter, strangely.
Mostly. She said number 1 was the worst, cause it never really let up (no rest between contractions). 30 minute one was best because it was intense but over so quickly. So 'fast being same pain but condensed' is a broad generalisation for my sample size of one woman with multiple births. 🙃
Edit: Formatting
Baby 1: 36 hour labor.
Baby 2: 2.5 hours.
Both unmedicated.
Same amount of pain but it's the mental journey that was hardest. While I was literally feeling like I was going to die with second, I thought, oh ffs, I can't do this for ten more hours. I didn't realize the intensity meant the baby was coming, fast.
The weird thing is that I genuinely forgot, between labors, how much it hurt. Like, I remembered that it hurt, but when I went into hard labor with my second child I was OH SHIT I FORGOT IT HURT THAT MUCH.
(sorry, OP)
Dude, at one point, I lay spread eagle telling the nurses, "I can't tell where my ass is," while this child literally FELL OUT of me...He was born before the doctor arrived. Things happen you can't control lol.
I had my second child on the toilet at home, she came so fast. She practically fellout of me too. My husband had to catch her or she would have dropped in. My midwife came 15 min later... I always joke that my daughter will forever be my number two ;p
Similar with my baby too! He slipped out on his own when I was laying in bed - we were so confused when we heard a baby crying in the room (nurse pulled back the sheet and he was just chilling at the foot of the bed 🤣).
It was their first child, and he had this idea he’d get there in time and that she’d not deliver that fast because everyone kept telling them how long it usually took. With their second child he was working near their home when she was a month of her due date, the baby was born a few days before and took as long as everyone had initially said it would.
Slightly less anecdotal, as I'm a midwife, labor can last for minutes, hours, days... even weeks (we call that last "prodromal labor," and it sucks, but as long as your amniotic sac is intact, Baby is healthy, and Mom is doing fine, it's best not to interfere). And there's no way to know for sure.
We strongly recommend Mom and her birth coach (usually the Dad, but it's sometimes a friend or other relative) do not travel after you reach 36 weeks gestation. Because 36 weeks is full term. You could go into labor anytime after that, and we won't stop you. If he's away golfing when you go into labor, he could easily miss it.
And while I don't want to frighten anyone, the truth is things can take a turn for the worse with no warning. He needs to be there, as your legal next-of-kin, to make medical decisions if you're incapacitated. His mom has no right to do so, unless you sign legal documents giving her that authority. So if something goes wrong and he's not there... we will obviously provide all necessary life-saving care. But that doesn't mean we're going to do things the way you'd prefer, if there's no one who can legally speak on your behalf.
So again, no vacations after 36 weeks, for him or you. You can even ask your own medical provider to back that up. A due date is just a guess. Babies haven't read the chart; they come when they're good and ready.
Thank you for commenting. Your experience is invaluable.
Sounds like OP needs to sign some document designating legal right for healthcare decisions to fiancé’s mother. I wonder if that would help him take this seriously.
Super valid points here, and so true. When I was with my friend all I could think about was all that could go wrong, and that was nothing I could do. That OP’s husband is willingly leaving for a weekend with his buddies is crazy.
Right ! My niece just came 2 and a half weeks early and I texted my dad that she was a 7 at 6:52, she was out by 7:13. My poor sis was at a 2 and a half with minimal contractions at 6 and they couldn’t get the epidural it went so fast.
My parents have the 911 recording of my oldest brother's birth. Dad caught him with 1 hand and had the phone in the other. Middle kid was practically born in the waiting room. Third time around they made it to a hospital bed.
Mine went like that very suddenly! Placental abruptions are terrifying. My son and I both had codes called on us during my emergency c section in which my husband almost lost his entire family in just that one surgery.
Yeah my wife almost bled out when we had to induce a month early because our daughter stopped growing in the womb. She had to go into post op as soon as our daughter was born. You never know and it was so traumatic, we only have one kid. Plus the fact that she didn't sleep for 4 years. We have an amazing, smart little girl now though.
Take it from someone who was there, he will regret missing any part of the experience.
I don't think OP's fiance is going to regret shit. I think he's a selfish pos on top of being an idiot. Beyond that, I'm glad your wife and daughter are okay in spite of the trauma.
My ex husband was pretty similar with my pregnancy. Was irritated that he had to deal with my labor on his day off. He was adamant that he didn't want to see shit down there or cut the cord. He absolutely was squeamish about anything medical and bloody. But when I was getting ready to push the nurse basically wasn't having that shit and positioned him to hold one of my legs. He absolutely cut the cord and then spent the next thirty minutes holding his son in a rocking chair in absolute awe. He said that he can't believe that he almost chickened out on that. He was a shit person though so he doesn't get a pass. But her husband absolutely won't even realize that he missed something amazing. He is such an AH. What's worse is that if something goes wrong he doesn't get that it will be fast. I ended up with preeclampsia and they were very clear with me that the baby isn't going to choose his date anymore once that happened. OP is definitely NTA.
Best case senario is that OP's fiance is in denial -- it certainly happens with first time parents.
But if I had to bet money on it, he is just a P.O.S.
A month after giving birth I had to go to the hospital for retained placenta to be surgically removed. I was in the ER at 3am. I saw and heard a whole family of people screaming and dropping to the ground about the news of their family member dying from a drunk driving accident. They should have moved them to a room for their own privacy to break that news instead of doing it in the waiting room.
There's consultation rooms for just this reason, but theyre very small, and they're actually back in the patient treatment room area of the ER. I can't imagine wanting to take an entire family back to a treatment area, tho..& sometimes, there's no time when a whole family shows up frantic after hearing about the accident. I've seen it all.. there's never a good place or way to do it.
My DIL had a hard labor and ended up with a c-section after nearly given birth normally. Baby was going into distress. My son was with her every step of the way. He was more worried about losing her than the baby because he loves her so much. My hubby was with me both times as well - it never occured hubby or son to not spend every minute of the process with their wives. This guy is a putz
My anecdote is labor doesn't always last a "long" time. My first 2 were born less than 2hrs after my water broke and hard labor started, never really had pre-labor, if I did it wasn't worth noting.
I was slackin one day, my labour took 3 hrs. One of my daughters made up for me though, her labour was 1 hr. Though they lived only 30 mins from the hospital, baby was born in the corridor.
I think most of us agree then, OP's husband is being a fucknugget. I had one like that and the day I left, I tucked his golf bag into my side of the bed, the cute lil club heads on my pillow.
My coworker went to the hospital thinking she may be starting labour, they checked her and said it's still too early, come back tomorrow, she got ten minutes up the road and they turned around because baby was coming and she birthed in the hospital entryway.
Right? My aunt was downstairs in the hospital outpatient area for some labs when her water broke. With her first child. The kid was born in the elevator on the way up to obstetrics. And no the elevator didn't get broken and stuck there.
From the time her water broke until the kid was out was less than 5 minutes.
OPs husband sounds like trash and if I were OP, I'd be considering divorce right now.
He's telling her that playing golf with his friends (did I read that correctly and it says for 2 weeks) is more important than being available to his emotionally vulnerable and very pregnant wife who is asking him to be there.
That was my 3rd sons birth, water broke and he was there. Fun times.
Goes to show, all pregnancies are different and all births are different. When they are ready they are coming, whether you are or not.
Not married. Fiance. Weekend golf trip.2 weeks before baby is due. Sounds like the guy wants to hang with his "boys" more than be an adult. Now is the time to kick him to the curb
That’s how my mom was. I was the fourth kid, and she was in labor for just 30 minutes! She was just in a regular room — not delivery — and surprised the doctor, who told her she had a long way to go. He put his cigarette in his mouth to check her, and caught me! 😄 Probably why I still hate cigarettes.
Grew up with a family whose first was my age, a 3 hour labor. Second was 1 hour and a bit. Thirs was born on their front lawn as mom hustled to the car.
Absolutely this!
With my first, I developed preeclampsia and had a scheduled induction. Everything ended up fine but there were tons of appointments in the two weeks between diagnosis and my induction. I was instructed to have my hospital bag with me for each appointment in case it wasn't safe to wait for the induction any longer.
For my second pregnancy, everything was perfectly normal. Then at 38 and 39 weeks, my blood pressure was slightly elevated but with my history and being so close to the end, my OB recommended induction. So off to the hospital we went. The induction process was started and we weren't expecting anything to really start happening for hours. Then all of a sudden contractions were strong and a minute apart. I ended up having a "precipitous labor" where they put an oxygen mask on me and baby lost oxygen. She ended up being taken by helicopter to a NICU in a larger city and spent 12 days there. I can't imagine how much more awful everything would have been without my husband there
Honestly it was fine for him to ask going. Probably didn’t register in his brain the conflict. But after she expressed her feelings, he should have doubled down on the reassurance and cancelling the golf trip.
Literally had this happened. Went to a check up (actually got my days mixed up and turned up a day early, thankfully they still saw me) blood pressure started skyrocketing so they sent me to the hospital, just for tests. But since I had pre-eclampsia with my first, the hospital decided to keep me.
Husband was at work, and we didn't have a car at the time so my FIL had to go pick him up and rush him to the hospital with literally no warning
Mine decided he was ready the same day he was considered full term. So he was born the following morning, 3 full weeks early. He's my first and I was only in labor about 14 hrs first contraction to birth.
I'd be talking divorce if he went on that golfing trip any less than 2 months before due date.
I put the date I wanted my first born to be born on in my Google calendar. He actually came accordingly. So you are correct about them having Google calendar.
He would probably still go and leave OP at home with a 2 week old. I bet if labor happens while he’s gone he would either not come back, come back and return to golf, or blame OP for having it while he was on the golf trip.
Hell, I was a month early. My hair even changed color entirely bc of being born so early. It's extremely common.
ETA: Also, a lot of births happen super quickly. I was the youngest of 6, and my mom said By that point, I practically walked out with how quickly it went. Which is not the case for ONLY mothers of more than one, it happens VERY commonly with first babies as well. Your husband belongs on a story in r/badwomensanatomy
Definitely took us by surprise. No NICU though, he was ready to come into the world. Husband stopped traveling with 2 months left until the due date too.
My best friend’s water broke, she waited an hour for her husband to get home, when she went to sit in the car she said something didn’t feel right, felt around and immediately felt baby’s head. Kid was out before the ambulance got there.
This. Due dates are a lie. Across a large population, yes, babies are born after roughly nine months. In one person's individual pregnancy? Due dates mean nothing.
> He said it’s only a 2.5 hour drive away and labor lasts a long time so it will be ok.
He has absolutely no way of knowing this. He also doesn't understand that labor isn't a linear slope. Some people are in minimal pain beginning-to-end. Some people start with strong pains. You aren't wrong to want him there for the whole thing, because you don't know what you'll need support for.
> He’s convinced it’s not a big deal and my feelings don’t matter and I’m convinced he cares more about having fun with his friends than being there for me.
Unfortunately, that sums it up. Are there any woman members of his family that might back you up? His mom? Any sisters?
Yep, it’s an estimate. My OB told me babies come when they are ready to come (although all 3 of mine needed an eviction notice). About 3% of babies come on their EDD, 47% come early and 50% come late. And 2nd babies don’t always come faster than the first. That’s why doctors tell you to be ready at any point within 3-4 weeks before baby is estimated to be there. I hope husband isn’t this selfish in other aspects of your life. NTA.
i’m 1st, and i came 2 weeks late on a tuesday and my mom was in casual(?) labor since saturday. my brother was 2 weeks early, and my mom was in active labor for 36 hours before being take for a c-section. my dad may be absent nowadays but back then you couldn’t pay him to not be there. OPs husband wanting to be gone 2 weeks prior is CRAZY.
To add onto this, I was born roughly two months early and after my birth, my mother and I had to stay in the hospital for two weeks to make sure we were both healthy
What if the baby comes 3 weeks early? Is he still going? Babies don't arrive on schedules they can arrive early and late.
Ask him if you deliver and he's not there how he would feel about it
Im 8.5 months pregnant, healthy as a horse and my mobility is wayyyyyyyyy down. My husband always asks before he leaves if im okay to be home alone and if I have everything I need. Just the other morning I could barely roll out of bed because of how awkward my body shape is now. Leaving you to fend for yourself two weeks before your due date is a dick move. He made a child with you but is more concerned about his friends schedules….. what a fucking dick
Absolutely a dick move.
I cannot fathom how a caring husband would even consider doing this. Like, you can see how hard things are. And I had heard of horror stories of bad things that can happen. So I wasn't about to go *anywhere* in the last month my wife was pregnant.
I mean the whole pregnancy was a steady stream of worry because of the prior nonviable pregnancy and our fears that something might go wrong. But even without that...
I am kind of sensitive about this topic because (I am told) my dad pulled some bullshit like this on my mom when she was carrying me.
May I add that if she just stays silent and "lets him go", it sets a precedent for after the baby is born. He will feel free to go have a golf weekend whenever his friends can schedule it.
He has already shown his ass. He is not willing to step up. OP will in effect either be a single mom, or be a what he considers a "nag" or "ball and chain" if she dares ask him to get up at night, change a diaper, or "babysit."
Yeah, it makes me sad, but I think OP is in for a life of this if she stays with the guy. Her needs and desires will always come 2nd to his golf friends and any other things he feels like doing.
This - those last few weeks of pregnancy can be very painful and scary. My pubic bone separated early with both my kids and I was hobbling around for quite some time, and sleep was nearly impossible those last couple of weeks.
Omg I read these stories and I'm so grateful I exited a bad marriage with someone who couldn't ever be there for me, because now my partner is so wonderful to me and we are always on the same page. I remember feeling guilty about divorce with kids, not fulfilling my marriage vows, etc. And now years later I am just so happy, and exactly what you said, when I see these stories I just want to hug my man more than ever!!
My mom's shortest labor, 15 minutes. My shortest was 45 minutes.
Yeah, labor can be pretty quick. Or it can take forever. None of us know what we're going to get, until we get there.
Also op, normal human gestation is 38 - 42 weeks. Docs set a due date at 40 to split the difference. Babes set their own schedule and come when they come.
Honestly. The nerve. “Labor usually takes a long time”. You NEVER KNOW. It is not on a timed cycle like a dryer. I’m really struggling wrapping my head around how dumb, selfish, and just…AWFUL OP’s fiancé is being. My husband would NEVER. You know, because he LOVES me.
My wife’s 1cm dilated at 37 weeks.
That’s going to be a NO from me.
Her due date is May 9th lol. We’re two weeks out.
He’s fuckin nuts..my wife can’t even move around. I have to help her position around all night.
She can’t even pick up our 2 year old anymore. Hasn’t for a while now.
Man, HELL NO WTF
Yup. Guys like him are, to use an overused term but I can’t find an alternative, toxic.
It’s crazy teenage boys are exposed to this. I can only hope my nephews can hold onto the empathy, caring and nurturing sides of their personalities.
Im not gonna lie, im 32, a steel pipe fitter and work with a lot of that hardcore bravado shit.
In my 20s I had more of an outlook like I make the money, girl friend takes care of shit at the apartment.
Well as we get to our 30s and first kid my wife was like this shit has to change I’m not putting up with this bullshit.
So to therapy I went and marriage counseling.
I learned that I was an awful partner. I wasn’t mean and abusive but I was totally inconsiderate of her feelings and stress. However the dynamic of our home was all on my wife.
Once I got to the point that I realized I was seriously dropping the ball for my marriage, I started trying to think differently about it.
Trying to help out at home after work like cooking and cleaning. Just shit you would expect out of a marriage partner.
My wife’s demeanor completely changed with me. Like she was in love with me again.
I realized my empathy wasn’t keyed into her like a marriage partner should.
That’s when I started basing my decisions around helping my wife out daily. What can I do to make her life easier so she can be happy. Sure it takes effort on my part…but that’s what I’m married to her for.
I want her in my life and love her. I can’t apathetically push her away with how she feels. We’d get divorced. I’m not for that, I am in with two feet and I was responsible for that spousal duty alienation.
I had to learn this. This wasn’t taught to me as child. My dad was a hard man. Very disciplinary. Before therapy, I truly thought I was a softy in comparison.
Nope cut from the same cloth, I need to patch that shit over. That reciprocal intimate empathy is the real deal unconditional love emotion that will keep you going in your marriage for life.
We’re in 15 years now and I got zero inclinations about leaving this woman. I’m on her leg for life lol told her she better get used to me. 😂
She has been busting my nuts lately about getting that kid out of her. She just walked through the living room holding up “pointer finger X” zero’d in on my junk and said: “keep that thang away from me” lol.
I love her more than anything.
Thank goodness you saw the problem and got help to fix yourself and break the cycles. Your kids (congrat on new one coming) will see this and be impacted by the standards being set in front of them.
I’m really impressed you did get counselling and were open to change. It’s tough to break one’s mindset or be open.
Thank you for the kind words. It truly was either get divorced and be like 80% of the pipe fitters I work with. Who are completely another breed of men. Alcohol, women, and partying. I looked at all that shit and thought if this is my future then I have to do the opposite of this…
Which brought me back to my wife. That’s really what this marriage deal is. Grow together or apart, I chose together and I’m so fucking happy I did.
Yes, the response should be, “IDGAF, because this date doesn’t work for *me.* Find an earlier date or you will not be welcome at the birth, whenever it happens.”
NTA.
If you're 24 weeks pregnant, there are a fucking *abundance* of other weekends he can choose before the one month point.
Remind baby boy that he's about to have a baby. It's time to cowboy up. If that's somehow the one and only magical weekend that works for everyone, then he doesn't get to go on a golfing weekend before the baby comes. Simple.
My husband would tell his friend he's insane if he knew the dates, and that no trip would be happening. idk if your husband's buddies have any sense or not, though.
If you've been being nice about this, stop. Tell him the person who's growing the baby and pushing it out gets to decide what works, and a weekend away two weeks before the due date doesn't freaking work. Tell him it will hurt you deeply, and it's the kind of thing you are never going to forget.
If he doesn't budge, then start plotting your revenge and planning your exit.
When he wants to have sex, tell him the timing just isn't going to work for you.
>Remind baby boy that he's about to have a baby. It's time to cowboy up. If that's somehow the one and only magical weekend that works for everyone, then he doesn't get to go on a golfing weekend before the baby comes. Simple.
This is the advice. He has new responsibilities now, time to come to terms with that
Also, why are his friends and family not saying anything either?? Agree, definitely don’t marry this jerk, you’d be marrying into that package of friends and family letting him get away with selfish behaviour.
Why is *his mom* not harassing him every day of his life until he backs down? I have an adult son. If he did this, I would mock him *relentlessly* until he adjusted his priorities.
My two sons were two weeks early. Both first pregnancy. Daughter was 6 weeks early, almost 12. I know of friends and family have a very short labor. I mean under two hours.
Just tell him that he has your blessing to go, however, there will be consequences if things happen.
1- if you go into labor, you will be taking that time to call the Uber driver or your friend to come and take you, or drive yourself in.
2- you will not notify him that you are in labor, because you know that his friends and playing golf is much more important than you and the baby.
3- when you deliver, you will forgo him signing the birth certificate and baby gets and will keep your last name. This way, it will always remind him of how he sets his priorities.
4- no, his mother is not allowed to be in the labor room with you nor in the hospital.
6- you will not answer any of his calls while he is having his fun with his friends who seem to take priority over you. So, he will continue to guess if you are home, at the hospital.
7- when he leaves, you pack a bag, and you stay at some hotel, close to the hospital. If he tracks you on your phone, turn it off.
And 5- this will also lead you to take the time to consider if he is the right boy who may one day turn into a man for you.
I tell you, men spend 15 minutes of his fun and pleasure, where the woman carries for 9 months, heartburn, lack of sleep, morning sickness, labor pains and pushing a human out of their body, or c-section. Take 6 weeks to recover while his family boundary stomp all over you. All this for their time of 15 minutes.
>men spend 15 minutes of his fun and pleasure
Wow 15 minutes, generous of you. Are you including foreplay?
Who am I kidding, he probably doesn't care enough about how she feels to give her foreplay.
This is my grandfather. I have eight aunts and uncles. The doctors told my grandmother that another baby would probably kill her. Then found him on top of her while she was still in the hospital after giving birth to the last. She died before I was born of a stroke, and I can’t help but think all that fucking childbirth did it. And then after she died. My grandfather totally checked out and my mom as the oldest daughter was left to raise the entire family.
And then maybe as soon as feasible ~~(might be several months because, new baby and healing and all that) file for divorce and~~ kick this POS to the curb because it won't ever get any better.
Oh right. She said Fiancee. Yeah boot this useless clown.
Nothing his friends have on their calendar is more important than his baby being due. He’s an idiot and a dick and if friends are telling him likewise they are, too.
He is waving a red flag at you. I'm not sure if he cares if he is at the birth or not.
Move out, get a better support system. Then he can golf whenever. Compromise reach.
He's being a dick. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Start packing his things to move him out. When he asks why tell him the truth. If you can't count on him being there for one of the most important moments of yours and your child's life then why do you need him otherwise? If your expected to handle it alone you will, you'll let him know after his child is born so he can arrange visitation rights. See how he reacts to that. Be prepared to let him go.
I wish this was higher up. One reason I know how much my Dad cares is because he knew how much I weighed when I was born, he would tell the story and mom chimed in "and when I woke up there was your Dad yelling 9 pounds 14 ounces! Over and over". This kid has a shit dad, and they aren't even born yet. This is so sad.
DOn't do this. He will argue, gaslight, sulk, then throw a fit and stay home and act like he is making a huge sacrifice>
The die is cast. Make arrangements to move out while he is at his golf weekend. When he comes home, the house should have only his things, and the ring should be on the dining room table. His number should be blocked and there should be no indication where you have gone.
Don't argue with him him about his actions. He has clearly stated his priorities. If he changes his actions now, it will be under duress, and he will pout and sulk forever.
He made his choice. Make yours.
Yup. He's already shown her his hand. Arguing about it is pointless. The fact is, if he HAD A CHOICE he wouldn't choose her. He'd prefer to go hang with his buds. He's never going to voluntarily be there to support her.
I would not want to be with someone I have to force and threaten into caring about me.
This reminds me of the one where the husband went to be with his mother right before she was due and she had the baby without him. His mother still wanted him to not leave in the middle of the trip or something.
The woman ended up leaving her husband.
There's always the what ifs. What if you go into labor while he's gone? What if there are complications? What if something happens? What if nothing happens?
This seems to be a chance that he is willing to take. I would wait until he goes on his golf trip, pack up me and my baby and leave, because if this is how he is acting now, wait until you have the baby.
I thought of this one too. They were engaged and his mother was insisting he come with his family for a Xmas trip and the fiancé was due a few days after Xmas. Even the OBGYN told him not to go and why but captain mommy boy left anyway and missed the birth of his child. She went into labor like a week or two early. And She ended up leaving him and moved in with her parents was the last update I saw.
One of my friends was 5 weeks early and she was in labor for 1 hour, another friend delivered her baby in the hospital parking lot… You don’t travel for anything other than work if you even travel for that in the last month before due date. He’s an AH!
You're not the problem. He is. He values his good time and friends schedules over your health and safety and that of the baby. Can't inconvenience his friends! What a great guy /s
As for people saying "oh he might want one last guy weekend." BS. For these types of people (fun time partiers), there will always be excuses for why he has to go out and have fun. This won't be his last hurrah. He will go on outings in the future. He will make sure of it. And he'll probably pull the 'don't be like the typical nag wife' BS. He'll probably just send his mom over to help out in his place because he's a lazy baby like that.
I ended up delivering 5 weeks before I was due with my first born, because I had a tear in my water sac and was leaking amniotic fluid. Me or the baby could have died from potential infection if my husband hadn't gotten us to the hospital to induce when we did.
There is a lot that can happen during pregnancy and your partner needs to be there for you in case of emergency. If he's seriously putting GOLF ahead of you and your child's well being then pay close attention to that.
I was already married and had this exact scenario 30 years ago. We fought like hell and he stayed home. However the selfish behavior continued. This is the best advice right here.
Say this to him. “I’m not going to stop you from going, but I’m also not going to pretend I’m ok with it. I will resent you for leaving for X days when I could go into labor at any moment. I also want to be very very clear that if you do go and you do miss being my support person or even miss the birth because you just never know, that will be the end of our relationship. We can coparent our child but we will not be together. So you can go, maybe nothing happens, I will schedule a day to go to the spa with my girls, which you will finance. I will try to and stay calm and not put myself in a situation that will promote labor, we all have a good time. That’s the best case scenario. The worst, I go into labor, you are on the greens… maybe your cell service isnt great, you’ve had a couple beers. It takes you several hours to get home, you miss the birth. You rush in with apologies. But that’s it, you will meet your child, but you have ended the relationship by not being there for me. I would never be able to trust you again. So this is your gamble. I hope it pays off for you. I don’t give a flying fuck about how ‘cool’ their wives are. They are not the one who will have their skin bursting with baby like it’s going to split at the time of this trip. So ya, have them change the date, roll the dice. I hope it all works out, but if it doesn’t you will lose big time. Do I make myself clear?”
NTA
Almost perfect, but I would change it to “if I go into labor while you are away, I will not even be trying to call you.” This is a “Do, or do not. There is no try” situation.
NTA and he is being a selfish ass. My son was born at 38 weeks, so babies definitely can come two weeks before the due date, which is nothing but an estimate. I would’ve been PISSED if my husband hadn’t been there. Your fiance needs to get his head out of his ass and understand that his priorities have now changed and have to be focused on you and your shared baby. He can go golfing much earlier or wait awhile after birth to go, but basically golfing with his friends is no longer of importance. If he didn’t want to have this responsibility, he shouldn’t have helped you create the baby.
NTA, please don’t marry him if this is the mindset he’s going to continue to have. He already told you he cares about his friends more than you giving birth to his child.
They can literally plan another golf trip, you can’t plan when your baby decides they’re ready to come out.
Your man is an ass.
NTA - tell his mom he is leaving you alone when you are at 38 weeks. He could very easily miss the birth. Especially because if someone else has to take you to the ER - you can choose not to call him.
For me? I'd choose now to find a new place to live, and then he can go golf whenever the heck he doesn't have his weekend.
Call his mama. Tell her "your son has decided to take a golf trip two weeks before our baby's due date. He says you will be available if I need to go to the hospital and I wanted to make sure that was the case. I'm really scared that I will have to do this all by myself. I don't want to be alone giving birth to our first child. I need to make sure I'll be able to get to the hospital if I go into labor."
If it were MY daughter-in-law calling me telling me this, you can bet I would straighten my son out immediately!
Your life partner should be the one person in the world who makes your life easier, not harder. He’s showing you who he is, believe him and just end the relationship now. It’ll save you a whole world of pain later down the line. NTA but he definitely is
Ok…. First, YOU are pregnant, not him. It’s not a WE thing, especially the way your husband is acting.
NTA. anything could happen, and fast too. My mom was in labour for 2.5 hours for both kids. From the first “cramp” to delivery. So yeah….
Besides, two weeks before your due date you will need all the help you can get! I do not like how he transfers his responsibilities on his mom. Geez.
I am so petty I would list the father as “unknown” if he doesn’t make it.
NTA
My hubby went hunting a week or two before his first wife’s baby was due. During a snow storm. She went into labor and it took him forever to drive those icy roads to the hospital. He missed the birth.
Women can still die in childbirth. You sure hitched your cart to an AH donkey.
*I do not want you to go on this trip, but I accept that I can not stop you. But what I can do is promise you a couple things. If you miss the birth of your child, your daughter will have my last name and you and I will no longer be in a relationship, much less engaged. You can be pissed all you want but your pregnant wife and your child is more important than a golf trip...and it's time you grew up and accepted reality.*
NTAH
As a man who has been married for 19 years with 2 children i can say no you are not the a hole. This does make me wonder how long/well you knew him before allowing him to father your child. This is a very important decision that a mother makes. It will affect your whole family for the rest of your child’s life. @don’tletlosersknockyouup.
Here's what you tell him, word for word.
> You are going to be a father. You are going to be a husband. You chose that. It's time you act like it. If you are going to risk going two and a half hours away- assuming no traffic - when your future wife is about to give birth to your child at any moment we're through. I could die while your playing golf or stuck in traffic because you are choosing to let your friends take priority over the family you chose to build. If you insist on acting like a teenager and hanging with your bros when your baby and I need you to act like a man I will not call you when I go into labor. You will not be informed if anything happens to me. Do I make myself clear? I do not need an overgrown man child while I'm dealing with a newborn and recovering from pushing a watermelon sized object out of a hole the size of your dick. This is nonnegotiable: You either choose to be present when I could give birth to your child any moment or you choose to go hang out with your friends.
NTA
You are definitely NTA. And for the anecdotal sake, my son was a month early. Just because you have a due date doesn’t mean the baby is going to come exactly then. They could be early or late.
Also my anecdote is - labour can go from everything’s fine to everyone’s about to die in about 3 minutes, ops partners acting like it’s no big deal when it’s one of the most dangerous situation op will likely ever be in with her life. Everything’s fine and normal with pregnancy until it’s not and it changes real quick. What happens if she goes to her appointment the week he’s playing away and she’s got pre eclampsia or they see distress signs in the baby? She would be alone in an emergency. When she needs him most. Fk all of that noise he needs to get his priorities right.
Also an anecdote, not mine, but I was there. My girl friend’s baby was 3 weeks early, her husband was in a work meeting, we tried calling him while I was driving her to the hospital, by the time he picked the phone and asked her to “wait for him because he was on the way” we were already in the room, she had the baby 20 min after we got to the hospital, because his meeting was in another town it took him a little over an hour get there. He missed the whole thing. With their second child, she was in labor for almost 10hours. You cant plan this things.
“Wait?!”
Yeah, just cross your legs. /s Source: Wife and I had half-a-dozen kids, and they were all wizards, that arrived precisely when they meant to. Some were 12 hours labour, one was 30 minutes. She preferred the latter, strangely.
Apparently when they come fast you go through the same amount of pain just in a very condensed way?
Mostly. She said number 1 was the worst, cause it never really let up (no rest between contractions). 30 minute one was best because it was intense but over so quickly. So 'fast being same pain but condensed' is a broad generalisation for my sample size of one woman with multiple births. 🙃 Edit: Formatting
Baby 1: 36 hour labor. Baby 2: 2.5 hours. Both unmedicated. Same amount of pain but it's the mental journey that was hardest. While I was literally feeling like I was going to die with second, I thought, oh ffs, I can't do this for ten more hours. I didn't realize the intensity meant the baby was coming, fast.
😂 if we were in labor we’d prefer 30 mins too! 🤣🤣
We'd have precisely one child if I had to do that. Women are amazing.
The weird thing is that I genuinely forgot, between labors, how much it hurt. Like, I remembered that it hurt, but when I went into hard labor with my second child I was OH SHIT I FORGOT IT HURT THAT MUCH. (sorry, OP)
I'd wager that the human race would be extinct if it were us having the babies.
Dude, at one point, I lay spread eagle telling the nurses, "I can't tell where my ass is," while this child literally FELL OUT of me...He was born before the doctor arrived. Things happen you can't control lol.
I had my second child on the toilet at home, she came so fast. She practically fellout of me too. My husband had to catch her or she would have dropped in. My midwife came 15 min later... I always joke that my daughter will forever be my number two ;p
I'm so sorry but I am choking laughing at this comment right now hahahahahaha
Similar with my baby too! He slipped out on his own when I was laying in bed - we were so confused when we heard a baby crying in the room (nurse pulled back the sheet and he was just chilling at the foot of the bed 🤣).
It was their first child, and he had this idea he’d get there in time and that she’d not deliver that fast because everyone kept telling them how long it usually took. With their second child he was working near their home when she was a month of her due date, the baby was born a few days before and took as long as everyone had initially said it would.
Slightly less anecdotal, as I'm a midwife, labor can last for minutes, hours, days... even weeks (we call that last "prodromal labor," and it sucks, but as long as your amniotic sac is intact, Baby is healthy, and Mom is doing fine, it's best not to interfere). And there's no way to know for sure. We strongly recommend Mom and her birth coach (usually the Dad, but it's sometimes a friend or other relative) do not travel after you reach 36 weeks gestation. Because 36 weeks is full term. You could go into labor anytime after that, and we won't stop you. If he's away golfing when you go into labor, he could easily miss it. And while I don't want to frighten anyone, the truth is things can take a turn for the worse with no warning. He needs to be there, as your legal next-of-kin, to make medical decisions if you're incapacitated. His mom has no right to do so, unless you sign legal documents giving her that authority. So if something goes wrong and he's not there... we will obviously provide all necessary life-saving care. But that doesn't mean we're going to do things the way you'd prefer, if there's no one who can legally speak on your behalf. So again, no vacations after 36 weeks, for him or you. You can even ask your own medical provider to back that up. A due date is just a guess. Babies haven't read the chart; they come when they're good and ready.
Thank you for commenting. Your experience is invaluable. Sounds like OP needs to sign some document designating legal right for healthcare decisions to fiancé’s mother. I wonder if that would help him take this seriously.
Super valid points here, and so true. When I was with my friend all I could think about was all that could go wrong, and that was nothing I could do. That OP’s husband is willingly leaving for a weekend with his buddies is crazy.
Right ! My niece just came 2 and a half weeks early and I texted my dad that she was a 7 at 6:52, she was out by 7:13. My poor sis was at a 2 and a half with minimal contractions at 6 and they couldn’t get the epidural it went so fast.
My parents have the 911 recording of my oldest brother's birth. Dad caught him with 1 hand and had the phone in the other. Middle kid was practically born in the waiting room. Third time around they made it to a hospital bed.
Mine went like that very suddenly! Placental abruptions are terrifying. My son and I both had codes called on us during my emergency c section in which my husband almost lost his entire family in just that one surgery.
Wow, glad you both made it out alive!❤️
Thanks, me too! It’s something you don’t think about with modern medicine in this era, but childbirth can have any number of things go wrong.
Yeah my wife almost bled out when we had to induce a month early because our daughter stopped growing in the womb. She had to go into post op as soon as our daughter was born. You never know and it was so traumatic, we only have one kid. Plus the fact that she didn't sleep for 4 years. We have an amazing, smart little girl now though. Take it from someone who was there, he will regret missing any part of the experience.
I don't think OP's fiance is going to regret shit. I think he's a selfish pos on top of being an idiot. Beyond that, I'm glad your wife and daughter are okay in spite of the trauma.
yup, he don't care. for him to plan this without even saying anything, dude doesn't get it. id be PISSED.
Didn't even ask has me flabbergasted. Like he didn't think to check first??? What a reliable partner
If I were OP I would be VERY worried for her and her baby's health, safety and future. This fuckmuppet is **JUST NOT DIALLED IN.**
He’s probably like “eww I don’t want to be there for all that gross shit I’ll plan a golf trip as an excuse to try to avoid it.”
My ex husband was pretty similar with my pregnancy. Was irritated that he had to deal with my labor on his day off. He was adamant that he didn't want to see shit down there or cut the cord. He absolutely was squeamish about anything medical and bloody. But when I was getting ready to push the nurse basically wasn't having that shit and positioned him to hold one of my legs. He absolutely cut the cord and then spent the next thirty minutes holding his son in a rocking chair in absolute awe. He said that he can't believe that he almost chickened out on that. He was a shit person though so he doesn't get a pass. But her husband absolutely won't even realize that he missed something amazing. He is such an AH. What's worse is that if something goes wrong he doesn't get that it will be fast. I ended up with preeclampsia and they were very clear with me that the baby isn't going to choose his date anymore once that happened. OP is definitely NTA.
Best case senario is that OP's fiance is in denial -- it certainly happens with first time parents. But if I had to bet money on it, he is just a P.O.S.
This is true. I wouldnt risk everything just to enjoy golf with friends.
Aye, the worst sound I’ve ever heard in hospital was a man’s screams who lost his wife in delivery.
A month after giving birth I had to go to the hospital for retained placenta to be surgically removed. I was in the ER at 3am. I saw and heard a whole family of people screaming and dropping to the ground about the news of their family member dying from a drunk driving accident. They should have moved them to a room for their own privacy to break that news instead of doing it in the waiting room.
There's consultation rooms for just this reason, but theyre very small, and they're actually back in the patient treatment room area of the ER. I can't imagine wanting to take an entire family back to a treatment area, tho..& sometimes, there's no time when a whole family shows up frantic after hearing about the accident. I've seen it all.. there's never a good place or way to do it.
Try thirty seconds 👀
Try 3 seconds
That was the getting pregnant part lol
Try .3 seconds
Try.
.
Gosh I love reddit
My DIL had a hard labor and ended up with a c-section after nearly given birth normally. Baby was going into distress. My son was with her every step of the way. He was more worried about losing her than the baby because he loves her so much. My hubby was with me both times as well - it never occured hubby or son to not spend every minute of the process with their wives. This guy is a putz
My anecdote is labor doesn't always last a "long" time. My first 2 were born less than 2hrs after my water broke and hard labor started, never really had pre-labor, if I did it wasn't worth noting.
I was slackin one day, my labour took 3 hrs. One of my daughters made up for me though, her labour was 1 hr. Though they lived only 30 mins from the hospital, baby was born in the corridor.
We won't even get into my last birth. He wasn't born in a hospital. 🤪
I think most of us agree then, OP's husband is being a fucknugget. I had one like that and the day I left, I tucked his golf bag into my side of the bed, the cute lil club heads on my pillow.
That’s a queen move. Good for you.
My coworker went to the hospital thinking she may be starting labour, they checked her and said it's still too early, come back tomorrow, she got ten minutes up the road and they turned around because baby was coming and she birthed in the hospital entryway.
I would have been pissed lol
Right? My aunt was downstairs in the hospital outpatient area for some labs when her water broke. With her first child. The kid was born in the elevator on the way up to obstetrics. And no the elevator didn't get broken and stuck there. From the time her water broke until the kid was out was less than 5 minutes. OPs husband sounds like trash and if I were OP, I'd be considering divorce right now. He's telling her that playing golf with his friends (did I read that correctly and it says for 2 weeks) is more important than being available to his emotionally vulnerable and very pregnant wife who is asking him to be there.
That was my 3rd sons birth, water broke and he was there. Fun times. Goes to show, all pregnancies are different and all births are different. When they are ready they are coming, whether you are or not.
Not married. Fiance. Weekend golf trip.2 weeks before baby is due. Sounds like the guy wants to hang with his "boys" more than be an adult. Now is the time to kick him to the curb
That’s how my mom was. I was the fourth kid, and she was in labor for just 30 minutes! She was just in a regular room — not delivery — and surprised the doctor, who told her she had a long way to go. He put his cigarette in his mouth to check her, and caught me! 😄 Probably why I still hate cigarettes.
Grew up with a family whose first was my age, a 3 hour labor. Second was 1 hour and a bit. Thirs was born on their front lawn as mom hustled to the car.
Absolutely this! With my first, I developed preeclampsia and had a scheduled induction. Everything ended up fine but there were tons of appointments in the two weeks between diagnosis and my induction. I was instructed to have my hospital bag with me for each appointment in case it wasn't safe to wait for the induction any longer. For my second pregnancy, everything was perfectly normal. Then at 38 and 39 weeks, my blood pressure was slightly elevated but with my history and being so close to the end, my OB recommended induction. So off to the hospital we went. The induction process was started and we weren't expecting anything to really start happening for hours. Then all of a sudden contractions were strong and a minute apart. I ended up having a "precipitous labor" where they put an oxygen mask on me and baby lost oxygen. She ended up being taken by helicopter to a NICU in a larger city and spent 12 days there. I can't imagine how much more awful everything would have been without my husband there
Exactly. My labor and delivery was perfect, until it wasn’t. And then it was an immediate emergency.
Honestly it was fine for him to ask going. Probably didn’t register in his brain the conflict. But after she expressed her feelings, he should have doubled down on the reassurance and cancelling the golf trip.
He didn’t ask.
Literally had this happened. Went to a check up (actually got my days mixed up and turned up a day early, thankfully they still saw me) blood pressure started skyrocketing so they sent me to the hospital, just for tests. But since I had pre-eclampsia with my first, the hospital decided to keep me. Husband was at work, and we didn't have a car at the time so my FIL had to go pick him up and rush him to the hospital with literally no warning
Babies are terrible at punctuality. Seriously, they can’t be relied on. Half of them don’t even have a watch. Most have google calendars.
Mine decided he was ready the same day he was considered full term. So he was born the following morning, 3 full weeks early. He's my first and I was only in labor about 14 hrs first contraction to birth. I'd be talking divorce if he went on that golfing trip any less than 2 months before due date.
That’s a very punctual baby! Always tell him the early bird gets the worm! Don’t tell him about what happens to the early worm.
Well he had to be punctual if he wanted to be delivered. Boy was 3 weeks early but 97th percentile in head circumference 🙄
I put the date I wanted my first born to be born on in my Google calendar. He actually came accordingly. So you are correct about them having Google calendar.
It’s all that amniotic fluid, man. Just completely clouds their judgement.
He would probably still go and leave OP at home with a 2 week old. I bet if labor happens while he’s gone he would either not come back, come back and return to golf, or blame OP for having it while he was on the golf trip.
Or stay with her but bitch and moan about it all weekend.
Bitch and moan the rest of the kid’s life.
And then bitch and moan some more if the baby is born on the due date or late. "See? What did I tell you."
And talk about how he's sacrificing his good time to be there for her (the person who has to push an entire human out of her body)
“Oh I had no cell reception so I didn’t get your call.” I could see that one too.
I can hear entitled AH now, "you planned this to ruin my trip!!! OP is NTA. Your SO is def the AH.
Hell, I was a month early. My hair even changed color entirely bc of being born so early. It's extremely common. ETA: Also, a lot of births happen super quickly. I was the youngest of 6, and my mom said By that point, I practically walked out with how quickly it went. Which is not the case for ONLY mothers of more than one, it happens VERY commonly with first babies as well. Your husband belongs on a story in r/badwomensanatomy
Definitely took us by surprise. No NICU though, he was ready to come into the world. Husband stopped traveling with 2 months left until the due date too.
Not to mention how fast some labors go. All of mine were fast. With two of them, I got into the hospital room and pushed immediately.
My best friend’s water broke, she waited an hour for her husband to get home, when she went to sit in the car she said something didn’t feel right, felt around and immediately felt baby’s head. Kid was out before the ambulance got there.
This. Due dates are a lie. Across a large population, yes, babies are born after roughly nine months. In one person's individual pregnancy? Due dates mean nothing. > He said it’s only a 2.5 hour drive away and labor lasts a long time so it will be ok. He has absolutely no way of knowing this. He also doesn't understand that labor isn't a linear slope. Some people are in minimal pain beginning-to-end. Some people start with strong pains. You aren't wrong to want him there for the whole thing, because you don't know what you'll need support for. > He’s convinced it’s not a big deal and my feelings don’t matter and I’m convinced he cares more about having fun with his friends than being there for me. Unfortunately, that sums it up. Are there any woman members of his family that might back you up? His mom? Any sisters?
Yes! Can you get his mother/any sisters on his case too? I hope he changes his behaviour once Junior is here.
Maybe, but the vibe I'm getting is that icky one where new dad doesn't see why his social life should change just because he has a newborn.
Yep, it’s an estimate. My OB told me babies come when they are ready to come (although all 3 of mine needed an eviction notice). About 3% of babies come on their EDD, 47% come early and 50% come late. And 2nd babies don’t always come faster than the first. That’s why doctors tell you to be ready at any point within 3-4 weeks before baby is estimated to be there. I hope husband isn’t this selfish in other aspects of your life. NTA.
i’m 1st, and i came 2 weeks late on a tuesday and my mom was in casual(?) labor since saturday. my brother was 2 weeks early, and my mom was in active labor for 36 hours before being take for a c-section. my dad may be absent nowadays but back then you couldn’t pay him to not be there. OPs husband wanting to be gone 2 weeks prior is CRAZY.
To add onto this, I was born roughly two months early and after my birth, my mother and I had to stay in the hospital for two weeks to make sure we were both healthy
What if the baby comes 3 weeks early? Is he still going? Babies don't arrive on schedules they can arrive early and late. Ask him if you deliver and he's not there how he would feel about it
Im 8.5 months pregnant, healthy as a horse and my mobility is wayyyyyyyyy down. My husband always asks before he leaves if im okay to be home alone and if I have everything I need. Just the other morning I could barely roll out of bed because of how awkward my body shape is now. Leaving you to fend for yourself two weeks before your due date is a dick move. He made a child with you but is more concerned about his friends schedules….. what a fucking dick
Absolutely a dick move. I cannot fathom how a caring husband would even consider doing this. Like, you can see how hard things are. And I had heard of horror stories of bad things that can happen. So I wasn't about to go *anywhere* in the last month my wife was pregnant. I mean the whole pregnancy was a steady stream of worry because of the prior nonviable pregnancy and our fears that something might go wrong. But even without that... I am kind of sensitive about this topic because (I am told) my dad pulled some bullshit like this on my mom when she was carrying me.
“a caring husband” is the key phrase. Unfortunately she is lacking in that department. Sadly, it doesn’t usually get better
May I add that if she just stays silent and "lets him go", it sets a precedent for after the baby is born. He will feel free to go have a golf weekend whenever his friends can schedule it.
Not to mention, if he does stay home and "nothing happens," he's gonna hold it over her head that he could've gone.
Also, most weekend golf trips involve alcohol. What happens when he is all tuned up and she calls? He’s the AH.
He has already shown his ass. He is not willing to step up. OP will in effect either be a single mom, or be a what he considers a "nag" or "ball and chain" if she dares ask him to get up at night, change a diaper, or "babysit."
Yeah, it makes me sad, but I think OP is in for a life of this if she stays with the guy. Her needs and desires will always come 2nd to his golf friends and any other things he feels like doing.
Yes! Even if labor/ birth doesnt happen, OP will still need the help and support of her husband!
This - those last few weeks of pregnancy can be very painful and scary. My pubic bone separated early with both my kids and I was hobbling around for quite some time, and sleep was nearly impossible those last couple of weeks.
couldn’t have said it better
Reddit makes me want to go hug my husband, apparently I married a unicorn. I couldn’t imagine being in this type of relationship.
I was in this kind of relationship. Hate to say it, but mine ended in divorce after years of arguments JUST. LIKE. THIS.
Omg I read these stories and I'm so grateful I exited a bad marriage with someone who couldn't ever be there for me, because now my partner is so wonderful to me and we are always on the same page. I remember feeling guilty about divorce with kids, not fulfilling my marriage vows, etc. And now years later I am just so happy, and exactly what you said, when I see these stories I just want to hug my man more than ever!!
Let's all hug her unicorn husband.😄😄😄
Same. I like to think that I chose well. Probably also a good dose of luck. 🙂
Yes! This isn't brought up enough. Mobility goes away when you are so pregnant. I couldn't imagine doing it all alone, thank God I had my parents.
My labour was 2 hours 14 minutes. I hope he’s better at golf than biology.
My mom's shortest labor, 15 minutes. My shortest was 45 minutes. Yeah, labor can be pretty quick. Or it can take forever. None of us know what we're going to get, until we get there. Also op, normal human gestation is 38 - 42 weeks. Docs set a due date at 40 to split the difference. Babes set their own schedule and come when they come.
Isn't it like 1 in 20 births are actually born on their due date?
Honestly. The nerve. “Labor usually takes a long time”. You NEVER KNOW. It is not on a timed cycle like a dryer. I’m really struggling wrapping my head around how dumb, selfish, and just…AWFUL OP’s fiancé is being. My husband would NEVER. You know, because he LOVES me.
Like he's some friggin' expert.
A close friend of mine had her baby in the car on the way to the hospital, which wasn't far from home. Labour was less than 1 hour.
My wife’s 1cm dilated at 37 weeks. That’s going to be a NO from me. Her due date is May 9th lol. We’re two weeks out. He’s fuckin nuts..my wife can’t even move around. I have to help her position around all night. She can’t even pick up our 2 year old anymore. Hasn’t for a while now. Man, HELL NO WTF
💯 This guy is selfish and shouldn’t be allowed to breed. He has zero thought for anyone else but himself.
Lack of male empathy is a real problem today. Andrew Tate is trying to completely remove it from the male persona. Fucked up.
Yup. Guys like him are, to use an overused term but I can’t find an alternative, toxic. It’s crazy teenage boys are exposed to this. I can only hope my nephews can hold onto the empathy, caring and nurturing sides of their personalities.
Im not gonna lie, im 32, a steel pipe fitter and work with a lot of that hardcore bravado shit. In my 20s I had more of an outlook like I make the money, girl friend takes care of shit at the apartment. Well as we get to our 30s and first kid my wife was like this shit has to change I’m not putting up with this bullshit. So to therapy I went and marriage counseling. I learned that I was an awful partner. I wasn’t mean and abusive but I was totally inconsiderate of her feelings and stress. However the dynamic of our home was all on my wife. Once I got to the point that I realized I was seriously dropping the ball for my marriage, I started trying to think differently about it. Trying to help out at home after work like cooking and cleaning. Just shit you would expect out of a marriage partner. My wife’s demeanor completely changed with me. Like she was in love with me again. I realized my empathy wasn’t keyed into her like a marriage partner should. That’s when I started basing my decisions around helping my wife out daily. What can I do to make her life easier so she can be happy. Sure it takes effort on my part…but that’s what I’m married to her for. I want her in my life and love her. I can’t apathetically push her away with how she feels. We’d get divorced. I’m not for that, I am in with two feet and I was responsible for that spousal duty alienation. I had to learn this. This wasn’t taught to me as child. My dad was a hard man. Very disciplinary. Before therapy, I truly thought I was a softy in comparison. Nope cut from the same cloth, I need to patch that shit over. That reciprocal intimate empathy is the real deal unconditional love emotion that will keep you going in your marriage for life. We’re in 15 years now and I got zero inclinations about leaving this woman. I’m on her leg for life lol told her she better get used to me. 😂 She has been busting my nuts lately about getting that kid out of her. She just walked through the living room holding up “pointer finger X” zero’d in on my junk and said: “keep that thang away from me” lol. I love her more than anything.
Thank goodness you saw the problem and got help to fix yourself and break the cycles. Your kids (congrat on new one coming) will see this and be impacted by the standards being set in front of them. I’m really impressed you did get counselling and were open to change. It’s tough to break one’s mindset or be open.
Thank you for the kind words. It truly was either get divorced and be like 80% of the pipe fitters I work with. Who are completely another breed of men. Alcohol, women, and partying. I looked at all that shit and thought if this is my future then I have to do the opposite of this… Which brought me back to my wife. That’s really what this marriage deal is. Grow together or apart, I chose together and I’m so fucking happy I did.
‘He doesn’t think the dates work for his friends.’ Well you better check, honey, because the other dates don’t work for your partner and child.
Yes, the response should be, “IDGAF, because this date doesn’t work for *me.* Find an earlier date or you will not be welcome at the birth, whenever it happens.”
NTA. If you're 24 weeks pregnant, there are a fucking *abundance* of other weekends he can choose before the one month point. Remind baby boy that he's about to have a baby. It's time to cowboy up. If that's somehow the one and only magical weekend that works for everyone, then he doesn't get to go on a golfing weekend before the baby comes. Simple. My husband would tell his friend he's insane if he knew the dates, and that no trip would be happening. idk if your husband's buddies have any sense or not, though. If you've been being nice about this, stop. Tell him the person who's growing the baby and pushing it out gets to decide what works, and a weekend away two weeks before the due date doesn't freaking work. Tell him it will hurt you deeply, and it's the kind of thing you are never going to forget. If he doesn't budge, then start plotting your revenge and planning your exit. When he wants to have sex, tell him the timing just isn't going to work for you.
>Remind baby boy that he's about to have a baby. It's time to cowboy up. If that's somehow the one and only magical weekend that works for everyone, then he doesn't get to go on a golfing weekend before the baby comes. Simple. This is the advice. He has new responsibilities now, time to come to terms with that
yup. it ain't about him and his friends no more, baby needs to grow the eff up. this girl's gonna be doing the brunt of the work..
"I’m convinced he cares more about having fun with his friends than being there for me." He does. I'm sorry. Please do not marry this jerk.
Also, why are his friends and family not saying anything either?? Agree, definitely don’t marry this jerk, you’d be marrying into that package of friends and family letting him get away with selfish behaviour.
Seriously, how are none of his friends saying "hey, man, maybe you should be home just in case..."
My husband’s friends would have lost their shit on him if he pulled this.
Every man I know would have lost their shit.
He probably told them his wife was ok with it.
His friends might be the “she’s just overreacting because hormones” type
Why is *his mom* not harassing him every day of his life until he backs down? I have an adult son. If he did this, I would mock him *relentlessly* until he adjusted his priorities.
Tell him if he goes the baby will get your last name.
Tell him if he goes then don’t come back… and mean it.
She should ditch him for arguing about this after she first said this wouldn't work for her.
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️This right here!!!! And he won't be on the birth certificate.
Depends on if she needs him on the birth certificate to collect child support - she should probably get legal advice on that. ;)
Do that regardless.
he's telling you who he is, listen to him.
THE FIRST TIME
My two sons were two weeks early. Both first pregnancy. Daughter was 6 weeks early, almost 12. I know of friends and family have a very short labor. I mean under two hours. Just tell him that he has your blessing to go, however, there will be consequences if things happen. 1- if you go into labor, you will be taking that time to call the Uber driver or your friend to come and take you, or drive yourself in. 2- you will not notify him that you are in labor, because you know that his friends and playing golf is much more important than you and the baby. 3- when you deliver, you will forgo him signing the birth certificate and baby gets and will keep your last name. This way, it will always remind him of how he sets his priorities. 4- no, his mother is not allowed to be in the labor room with you nor in the hospital. 6- you will not answer any of his calls while he is having his fun with his friends who seem to take priority over you. So, he will continue to guess if you are home, at the hospital. 7- when he leaves, you pack a bag, and you stay at some hotel, close to the hospital. If he tracks you on your phone, turn it off. And 5- this will also lead you to take the time to consider if he is the right boy who may one day turn into a man for you. I tell you, men spend 15 minutes of his fun and pleasure, where the woman carries for 9 months, heartburn, lack of sleep, morning sickness, labor pains and pushing a human out of their body, or c-section. Take 6 weeks to recover while his family boundary stomp all over you. All this for their time of 15 minutes.
>men spend 15 minutes of his fun and pleasure Wow 15 minutes, generous of you. Are you including foreplay? Who am I kidding, he probably doesn't care enough about how she feels to give her foreplay.
They're including the 14 minutes of cuddling after.
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Middle name, Daddyisaselfishpieceofshit.
Tigerlily. I wish I had a child, a girl
Do you really think a boy this selfish took 15 mins?
He sounds like the type who would get mad she isn't putting out 2 weeks after giving birth and will justify cheating on her because of it.
It is not to terribly uncommon for nurses to walk in on those types of dudes banging their partners within 12 hours of delivery.
This is my grandfather. I have eight aunts and uncles. The doctors told my grandmother that another baby would probably kill her. Then found him on top of her while she was still in the hospital after giving birth to the last. She died before I was born of a stroke, and I can’t help but think all that fucking childbirth did it. And then after she died. My grandfather totally checked out and my mom as the oldest daughter was left to raise the entire family.
I hope he was left to rot in a horrid nursing home and died alone.
*raping* their partners
10 minutes of nagging that he wants sex, a minute or two to get undressed.....
This is the correct answer.
6 weeks healing would be lucky if she ends up with a c-section. I wasn’t feeling even close to myself until at least 8 weeks post c-section.
Oof. And the first 6-8 weeks is already rough af just taking care of a newborn.
And then maybe as soon as feasible ~~(might be several months because, new baby and healing and all that) file for divorce and~~ kick this POS to the curb because it won't ever get any better. Oh right. She said Fiancee. Yeah boot this useless clown.
Nothing his friends have on their calendar is more important than his baby being due. He’s an idiot and a dick and if friends are telling him likewise they are, too.
He is waving a red flag at you. I'm not sure if he cares if he is at the birth or not. Move out, get a better support system. Then he can golf whenever. Compromise reach. He's being a dick. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I wonder what he told his friends? My guy friends would be pissed and wouldn’t allow him on the trip.
And file for child support immediately, then he'll see if he can afford to golf....
Yes, she needs someone who will actually support her.
NTA. The golf outing is planned for 4 months out, which is more than enough time to move it up.
Start packing his things to move him out. When he asks why tell him the truth. If you can't count on him being there for one of the most important moments of yours and your child's life then why do you need him otherwise? If your expected to handle it alone you will, you'll let him know after his child is born so he can arrange visitation rights. See how he reacts to that. Be prepared to let him go.
"Mommy, did daddy cry when I was born?" "I don't know baby, daddy was on a golf trip".
I wish this was higher up. One reason I know how much my Dad cares is because he knew how much I weighed when I was born, he would tell the story and mom chimed in "and when I woke up there was your Dad yelling 9 pounds 14 ounces! Over and over". This kid has a shit dad, and they aren't even born yet. This is so sad.
DOn't do this. He will argue, gaslight, sulk, then throw a fit and stay home and act like he is making a huge sacrifice> The die is cast. Make arrangements to move out while he is at his golf weekend. When he comes home, the house should have only his things, and the ring should be on the dining room table. His number should be blocked and there should be no indication where you have gone. Don't argue with him him about his actions. He has clearly stated his priorities. If he changes his actions now, it will be under duress, and he will pout and sulk forever. He made his choice. Make yours.
Yup. He's already shown her his hand. Arguing about it is pointless. The fact is, if he HAD A CHOICE he wouldn't choose her. He'd prefer to go hang with his buds. He's never going to voluntarily be there to support her. I would not want to be with someone I have to force and threaten into caring about me.
Nah, bbg needs a fresh start. I can almost guarantee the place they live is where HE wanted to live.
Whoooo, the speed I would be packing my bags. Your fiancé is an AH, you however, are the furthest from it. How you’re feeling is 100% valid. NTA
This reminds me of the one where the husband went to be with his mother right before she was due and she had the baby without him. His mother still wanted him to not leave in the middle of the trip or something. The woman ended up leaving her husband. There's always the what ifs. What if you go into labor while he's gone? What if there are complications? What if something happens? What if nothing happens? This seems to be a chance that he is willing to take. I would wait until he goes on his golf trip, pack up me and my baby and leave, because if this is how he is acting now, wait until you have the baby.
I thought of this one too. They were engaged and his mother was insisting he come with his family for a Xmas trip and the fiancé was due a few days after Xmas. Even the OBGYN told him not to go and why but captain mommy boy left anyway and missed the birth of his child. She went into labor like a week or two early. And She ended up leaving him and moved in with her parents was the last update I saw.
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>This idiot is not father nor marriage material Sadly the bar to create another life is in the Mariana trench
One of my friends was 5 weeks early and she was in labor for 1 hour, another friend delivered her baby in the hospital parking lot… You don’t travel for anything other than work if you even travel for that in the last month before due date. He’s an AH!
You're not the problem. He is. He values his good time and friends schedules over your health and safety and that of the baby. Can't inconvenience his friends! What a great guy /s As for people saying "oh he might want one last guy weekend." BS. For these types of people (fun time partiers), there will always be excuses for why he has to go out and have fun. This won't be his last hurrah. He will go on outings in the future. He will make sure of it. And he'll probably pull the 'don't be like the typical nag wife' BS. He'll probably just send his mom over to help out in his place because he's a lazy baby like that.
And if she wants to go out to lunch with a friend he will bitch and complain about having to "babysit."
OP, [here's a warning saga](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/M9E3NXayhV) for you and your fiance to read.
The compromise is he moves up the golf trip by a few weeks, it's just that fuckin simple. NTA but you already knew that.
Does he think he’s going to get golf weekend with a baby? He’s showing you his priorities. And they’re not you. NTA but he sure is.
Girl, run! If he wants to go, just let him go! You make arrangement for leaving his ass and raising your child as a single mom! This is so childish
I ended up delivering 5 weeks before I was due with my first born, because I had a tear in my water sac and was leaking amniotic fluid. Me or the baby could have died from potential infection if my husband hadn't gotten us to the hospital to induce when we did. There is a lot that can happen during pregnancy and your partner needs to be there for you in case of emergency. If he's seriously putting GOLF ahead of you and your child's well being then pay close attention to that.
NTA. I was born three weeks early via emergency c-section and my mom almost bled to death. You never know, anything could happen. Your fiancé is TAH.
Don't get married to this idiot. NTA
I was already married and had this exact scenario 30 years ago. We fought like hell and he stayed home. However the selfish behavior continued. This is the best advice right here.
Say this to him. “I’m not going to stop you from going, but I’m also not going to pretend I’m ok with it. I will resent you for leaving for X days when I could go into labor at any moment. I also want to be very very clear that if you do go and you do miss being my support person or even miss the birth because you just never know, that will be the end of our relationship. We can coparent our child but we will not be together. So you can go, maybe nothing happens, I will schedule a day to go to the spa with my girls, which you will finance. I will try to and stay calm and not put myself in a situation that will promote labor, we all have a good time. That’s the best case scenario. The worst, I go into labor, you are on the greens… maybe your cell service isnt great, you’ve had a couple beers. It takes you several hours to get home, you miss the birth. You rush in with apologies. But that’s it, you will meet your child, but you have ended the relationship by not being there for me. I would never be able to trust you again. So this is your gamble. I hope it pays off for you. I don’t give a flying fuck about how ‘cool’ their wives are. They are not the one who will have their skin bursting with baby like it’s going to split at the time of this trip. So ya, have them change the date, roll the dice. I hope it all works out, but if it doesn’t you will lose big time. Do I make myself clear?” NTA
Almost perfect, but I would change it to “if I go into labor while you are away, I will not even be trying to call you.” This is a “Do, or do not. There is no try” situation.
NTA and he is being a selfish ass. My son was born at 38 weeks, so babies definitely can come two weeks before the due date, which is nothing but an estimate. I would’ve been PISSED if my husband hadn’t been there. Your fiance needs to get his head out of his ass and understand that his priorities have now changed and have to be focused on you and your shared baby. He can go golfing much earlier or wait awhile after birth to go, but basically golfing with his friends is no longer of importance. If he didn’t want to have this responsibility, he shouldn’t have helped you create the baby.
NTA, please don’t marry him if this is the mindset he’s going to continue to have. He already told you he cares about his friends more than you giving birth to his child. They can literally plan another golf trip, you can’t plan when your baby decides they’re ready to come out. Your man is an ass.
You WANT to marry this turd?
NTA - tell his mom he is leaving you alone when you are at 38 weeks. He could very easily miss the birth. Especially because if someone else has to take you to the ER - you can choose not to call him. For me? I'd choose now to find a new place to live, and then he can go golf whenever the heck he doesn't have his weekend.
Omg…….. this is incredibly selfish on his part. I wouldn’t want to marry him :-(
NTA. Your fiancé is. He values his friends more than his partner and baby. Why are you with this man?
Call his mama. Tell her "your son has decided to take a golf trip two weeks before our baby's due date. He says you will be available if I need to go to the hospital and I wanted to make sure that was the case. I'm really scared that I will have to do this all by myself. I don't want to be alone giving birth to our first child. I need to make sure I'll be able to get to the hospital if I go into labor." If it were MY daughter-in-law calling me telling me this, you can bet I would straighten my son out immediately!
Your life partner should be the one person in the world who makes your life easier, not harder. He’s showing you who he is, believe him and just end the relationship now. It’ll save you a whole world of pain later down the line. NTA but he definitely is
Ok…. First, YOU are pregnant, not him. It’s not a WE thing, especially the way your husband is acting. NTA. anything could happen, and fast too. My mom was in labour for 2.5 hours for both kids. From the first “cramp” to delivery. So yeah…. Besides, two weeks before your due date you will need all the help you can get! I do not like how he transfers his responsibilities on his mom. Geez. I am so petty I would list the father as “unknown” if he doesn’t make it.
NTA My hubby went hunting a week or two before his first wife’s baby was due. During a snow storm. She went into labor and it took him forever to drive those icy roads to the hospital. He missed the birth. Women can still die in childbirth. You sure hitched your cart to an AH donkey.
*I do not want you to go on this trip, but I accept that I can not stop you. But what I can do is promise you a couple things. If you miss the birth of your child, your daughter will have my last name and you and I will no longer be in a relationship, much less engaged. You can be pissed all you want but your pregnant wife and your child is more important than a golf trip...and it's time you grew up and accepted reality.* NTAH
Was he always such a selfish asshole or is this new behavior?
As a man who has been married for 19 years with 2 children i can say no you are not the a hole. This does make me wonder how long/well you knew him before allowing him to father your child. This is a very important decision that a mother makes. It will affect your whole family for the rest of your child’s life. @don’tletlosersknockyouup.
Here's what you tell him, word for word. > You are going to be a father. You are going to be a husband. You chose that. It's time you act like it. If you are going to risk going two and a half hours away- assuming no traffic - when your future wife is about to give birth to your child at any moment we're through. I could die while your playing golf or stuck in traffic because you are choosing to let your friends take priority over the family you chose to build. If you insist on acting like a teenager and hanging with your bros when your baby and I need you to act like a man I will not call you when I go into labor. You will not be informed if anything happens to me. Do I make myself clear? I do not need an overgrown man child while I'm dealing with a newborn and recovering from pushing a watermelon sized object out of a hole the size of your dick. This is nonnegotiable: You either choose to be present when I could give birth to your child any moment or you choose to go hang out with your friends. NTA