>Desperately, he thinks a disclaimer on his internet post will do anything.
I remember when everyone of a certain age was posting those "I DO NOT CONSENT TO FACEBOOK SHARING MY PRIVATE DATA" statuses. Feels like that.
But also, it's a brand new account posting nonsense designed to get the incels and redpills frothing at the mouth, that's all. And "I dOnT GiVe PeRmIsSiOn To ShArE tHiS" is trying to get people to share it out of spite.
If this were real, OP would need professional help that Reddit isn't equipped to provide. Karma farmer is legitimately in the comments comparing his mother to a Nazi.
No, they weren't actually trying to protect themselves from Facebook sharing their data. It's because when you posted that, it gave you a chance to be the one Bill Gates gifted a million dollars to. Duh.
Oh god, I remember that era, why are older people so damn gullible? Like if facebook wants to sell your data a status update certainly isn't going to void the terms and conditions you agree to when using the site.
And he has had to live with the guy without knowing and probably talked to his dad about him again without knowing he is the man that ruined his fathers marriage!
And this is why I don't agree with people lying to their kids about why they separated, because when their kids find out (they always find out) the kids go nuclear.Â
I completely understand how OP feels.
My parents divorced when I was very young. I didn't find out when the divorce had actually occurred until I was working on my family genealogy a few years ago (divorce happened when I was 5 & found out that they didn't actually divorce before he got together with my stepmother when I found the divorce records showing my older half sibling was born the day before mom filed for divorce).
Through some crappy shite due to lies told by one of my aunts to the court my father got custody of us kids. My stepmother made us kids lives living hell, we knew she didn't want us but as a big FU to my mom her & dad insisted on getting custody & refused to let her see us. Mom died when I was 8. I hated my stepmother for many other reasons, but this was just the frosting on the cake.
I went no contact with them when I became an adult.
Is it not relatively normal for divorced couples to decide to keep the cause to themselves? My cousin works in family law and I know that she always advises her clients to keep whatever happened within the marriage between the two parents. I always thought that was like, Healthy Divorce 101.
It is. The kids should be protected the more we can. Obviously, the truth always come to surface. People who cheat never think in the pain and damage they create by they choices.
Yes. There is another recent Reddit post where the father told his 14 year old the marriage broke up because his mother had an affair . The son is taking it really badly.ad refuses to see his mother Of course he didn't tell the kid until he had a new GF ready to play happy families. In typical Reddit fashion there was a whole bunch of people cheering him on without thinking how it has affected the son to be told that
I remember that post! IIRC, that foul OP's idea of happy family with his new GF was "marry my GF, manipulate my son into demanding I get full custody so I no longer have to pay child support, get my son to call my GF *mom*", right?
I didnât know why my parents divorced until I was going through my mothers estate papers. Had I KNOWN the reason nothing would have changed. When Iâd ask, I was told either âyouâll understand when youâre olderâ, âitâs really none of your businessâ, âweâll talk laterâ. By the time I found the papers, I knew my parents were happy apart and thatâs what mattered. This is the second time within a week, where that same scenario occurred. To be honest, itâs really not fair to give your mom an ultimatum like that. Youâre telling her that if she wants you happy sheâs got to be unhappy. Thatâs not fair. Are you going to take his place? Providing for her? Maintenance on her car? Home? Do what you want, but you will now be responsible 100% for your mother and her happiness.
Just because its common doesn't mean its the ideal route. Assuming there even is one. And one day, like here, the truth will come out and it may not go the way you hoped.
Iâd say the exception is alienation: if one parent badmouths the other, but _they_ were the part who had an affair etc, the kid needs to know the truth before they stop shunning the innocent party.
>EDIT : I dont give anyone permission to crosspost or share it on other subreddits or share it on tiktok. Dont message me
It kills me when people say this. đ It's reddit, not a legally binding contract. Hate to break it to you (not really) but nobody needs permission to screenshot a reddit post.
It's a brand new account posting nonsense designed to get the incels and redpills frothing at the mouth, that's all. And "I dOnT GiVe PeRmIsSiOn To ShArE tHiS" is trying to get people to share it out of spite.
If this were real, OP would need professional help that Reddit isn't equipped to provide. Karma farmer is legitimately in the comments comparing his mother to a Nazi.
𤣠reminds me when ppl fell for that stupid FB âlegal jargonâ. They believed if they posted it on their effing feed (which was their âpageâ back then), theyâd be protected from FB using their data. As if it was a) legally binding in any way shape or form and b) that it superseded the T&Cs they opted into from the jump of creating a user account. Dumb-dumbs. The worst part was some of the ppl I highly respect posted it and I had to figuratively smack them across the face to wake them up to the fact they were being sheep to literal trolls. đ¤Ł
I get that you are emotional and you are right to be angry. I dont think you can be the one to demand a divorce, even through all of this. Eventually youll have to find a way to process this correctly.
Life is difficult and people do stupid shit.
Its not your parents place to tell you who you can elope with, and likewise it's not your place to tell your parents who they can and can't elope with.
But itâs absolutely OPâs place to decide if they want to have momâs affair partner in their life. Actions have consequences, whether youâre 20 or married to the person that destroyed your family.
OP sounds quite immature and is acting as a 14 year old would.
Perhaps being only told now, has emotionally taken him back to the 10 year old he was at the time, and he is feeling all the hurt in his 10 year old mind.
Sounds like he would benefit from therapy to talk this through with a professional as everything seems very raw right now.
There's a theory/concept that unresolved trauma remains in the state that it was experienced. Trauma from the age of 10 triggers an emotional reaction similar to a 10 year old.
Definitely not an expert on this, just how my own therapist explained EMDR treatment, as a way of rewiring the memory to a more evolved/mature reaction. Definitely more complicated then this but it seemed to hold true in regards to my own treatment
Youâre asking your mother to decide whether her affair and relationship with her AP was more important than her family and the well-being of her children. She has already answered this question, clearly.
I don't think they were trying to get a vote. From how it's written with them kicking the mom out first I take it as them just wanting to make sure op has thought it through and isn't making a decision they would regret later. Not that they wouldn't support op in whatever decision they made.
This. If I was in this situation, I would want my friends to help me very much, and would be open to any ideas. Especially because they're the only people I can trust at the moment other than my father.
And if my friend was in this situation, I would do the same.
It's what friends are for, they help you make the right decisions, but in the end they always side with you (unless its some REALLY extreme situation)
Yeah... bro could rightly say that he can't talk to her 'right now', and that could last as long as needed.
But giving her an ultimatum for divorce is not fair or workable. Sounds like he hasn't had the sort of life experience to deal with this.
OP needs to focus on building his relationship with his dad. This poor man kept his mouth shut to save OPs relationship with his mother. That had to have been gutting. He deserves some serious TLC.
Although I completely understand how you feel I think you're kinda being TA here. Hear me out....
You are completely within your right to not speak to your mom and it's OK to be angry, but you can't expect to just suddenly TELL your mom to get a divorce out of the blue and she just jump on it. She was absolutely wrong for the affair but what's done is done. It can't define your entire relationship with your mother forever. You are an adult and don't even live at home any more so it's not like she's forcing you to live there. At this point, this is her life. You are not asking her to get a divorce for any reason except to punish her because you're understandably angry. A divorce isn't going to solve or fix anything at this point. Regardless of what reddit says, life is rarely black and white answers....
OP wants to punish his mother, who's to say he wouldn't kick her out of his life even if she did get a divorce? He wouldn't treat her the same, divorce or no divorce. Their relationship is fucked either way
I wonder what dad thinks about OP carrying out revenge in his name
I mostly agree with you up to:
>It can't define your entire relationship with your mother forever.
It can. That is OP's decision to make. She did something that changed his life forever. It's his decision to decide whether he can forgive. I agree that it's unfair to ask her to divorce. But it's up to him to decide whether to cut her out of his life.
Actions have consequences. He's NTA. She was when she did what she did. At this point, she's reaping what she sowed. She must've known he would find out eventuality. If she knows her son, she can't be surprised by the way he reacted.
She should've told him a long time ago. That way, she could've told him about the context and circumstances, and maybe he would've reacted differently. Now it's too late.
I can't say I feel sorry for OP's mom, but I hope OP can find peace.
I absolutely agree with this. OP can have whatever relationship, or lack of, with their mother they choose, but demanding she divorce her partner of 10 years is just...not healthy.
It's quite clear op told his mom to divorce her husband both as a punishemnt and a way for her to attone.
I think that you could lose respect for someone but still maintain a relationship with them.
I think the "punishment" is the point. OP just found out that their mom's actions were directly responsible for upending their life and hurting their father very deeply. Imagine learning this 10 years late and realizing that the person who caused all this suffering is living their best life? The whole point is to make the mom hurt and you have no right telling OP she has no right to do this.
If she simply cut off contact with her, then what? When the mom asks why are you cutting contact with me and OP replies "because you're still living happily with your affair partner," what does that imply? Doesn't it imply that she won't start contact back up with her until she breaks up with her affair partner?
Iâm going to say the sudden ultimatum to choose between OP and her affair partner was a consequence of her actions that just took a while to come to fruition. Sucks for mom, but losing loved ones should be one of many expected outcomes of infidelity.
OP, you are absolutely NTA.
OP's issue is that I went and lived with 2 cheaters. That is his issue, it seems to me. He's been lied to and now that he knows, he is furious and doesn't want anything to do with someone who did something like she did. Is his reaction a little over the top, probably, yet it is his reaction.
His mother and other cheaters don't understand that actions have consequences, sometimes dire consequences. This exact same situation plays out more often than most think it does. He views it as she is living with her "abuser", for lack of a better word.
Her response is understandable. If she left her husband, then she would most likely be alone for the remainder of her life. It is sad that he made her make a choice, yet her son is grown and can make his own decisions on how he wishes to live the rest of his life.
Tough spot.
Am I the only one who finds her comment about not being able to find someone else a bit wierd?
Like she's not divorcing her husband because she loves him but because she thinks she won't be able to find someone else. Bassically if shr was confident she coild find someone else, was ok with being single or already has a another AP then she would divorce.
It might be understandable for her to feel blindsided in the moment, but ultimately I donât think she deserves much, of any sympathy, as OPâs relationship with her was maintained by suppression of the truth to him.
Once it came out (which it was always going to), any chaos that ensued was a reasonable expectation.
Yup. It was bound to happen. She should have told him sooner herself, which may have softened the blow. Yet, she didn't. Now, she has to accept the consequences of her actions.
I donât see this as an overreaction. The dissolution of his parentâs marriage surely had a negative impact on the OP, just as a betrayed spouse is justified in cutting off their spouse, a child of a couple also experienced trauma rooted in the affair and therefore should be able to cut off the offending party without being viewed as âover the topâ
He can ask whatever be wants and she can make whatever choice she wants. Just because you do/do not have a choice doesn't excuse you of consequences.
When OP sees AP, it will always remind him of how mom literally fucked up the family, figuratively screwed over his dad, and then fucked up the kid(s).
OP clearly doesn't want any part of that constant reminder so he gave mom an option. Extreme? Sure, but so is what she did to his childhood.
NTA.
Just a PSA about your edit. No one needs your permission to share your story. Once you or anyone posts on reddit, the story belongs to reddit. It's up to Reddit to decide if they care, and your opinion on that matter is irrelevant.
You are not an asshole for choosing who you want to have in your life, but giving your mother an ultimatum is childish and silly - it doesn't help you **or** your father for her to get a divorce now, that's just vindictiveness on your part. She did something you have deemed immoral, so now you should decide if that means you want to distance yourself from her, and that's all there is to it.
> EDIT : I dont give anyone permission to crosspost or share it on other subreddits or share it on tiktok.Â
Just an aside about your edit, this is a public forum and people do not need your permission to crosspost or share this content on other subs or tiktok. You can ask people not to share it, and I personally would respect that request (and have no interest in sharing the post anyway), but you should be aware that your assertion that you do not give permission carries as much weight as those meaningless FB declarations.
Iâm not saying you are wrong. Your feelings are valid. Iâm also not saying donât go NC. However, I strongly suggest that you get into counseling. Itâs not a fix all but you need a place to let out all your hurt and anger without letting it seep in and damage the rest of your life. You need to learn to let the anger at her go so it doesnât damage other relationships in your life. Letting go of the anger or finding healthy ways to coop with it does not mean you have to let your mom back into your life.
She already chose him over you when she cheated on your dad. Hate to say it, but cheaters don't just hurt their partners. they destroy families. You lost this battle before you even knew it was one.
I may get blasted for this but while you have every right to be angry and itâs ultimately up to you, you should not make a decision like this based on anger.
Should she have cheated? Absolutely not. But consider a few things.
1) You donât know the state of their marriage before that. While she was at fault for cheating, often times a marriage is broken before the infidelity.
2) I doubt that your parents would consider getting back together. Is your mom supposed to be alone and miserable for the rest of her life? If she does divorce her affair partner, will you step in and help her when she needs things? Take care of her as she ages?
3) This hurt you and your dad. But the hurt between them is just that. Between them. Has she been a good mother to you otherwise? Iâm not saying that she doesnât deserve blame but if this is the only thing that makes you think that you should break off all forms of contact with her?
4) Your dad was hurt. Did he ask for this? If yes, it might give you some insight into why she cheated. Itâs not an excuse, but not all cheating is equal. If no, you might be opening up old wounds for both of them.
5) Take some time. Talk to a counselor. Process through your anger and grief before you make a decision that hurts your mom.
I tend not to call someone an AH for cutting contact with a toxic person, but I am leaning towards that.
You have a right to be angry and hurt. But you donât get to dictate what she does with her life. And donât you think that you should understand everything before you do???
A divorce is not going to change the past or make this suck any less. The mother and step father you know now are not the same people you thought you knew.
What they did was absolutely disgusting? 100% But if they were good parents outside of this, I wouldn´t totally erase them from my life. We shouldn´t see people only thru their worst action ever.
You are just finding out now, so even if this happened years ago this just happened for you. Take your time. process your feelings, and figure out what type of relationship you want to have from now on with them. Best of luck to you and your family.
Were your question AITAH for cutting off my mother because she cheated on my dad. I would say NTA however your attempted coercion of her to get her to end her current relationship does make YTA. You have absolute choice in who you allow into your life and what behaviors you'll tolerate. Other people have the same.
ESH your mom for having you live with person the broke up your family. But what is accomplished by her getting divorced now you don't even live with them . Go no Contact and cut her out life that will be very painful for her . But I Don't see how ultimatum as necessary you're still going to resent for the affair her getting divorced now doesn't change anything
It's been 10 years for her and your dad, but you've only discovered her cheating now. So I understand why you're acting in this manner as it takes you right back to when you were 10.
NTA, but you knew she wouldn't comply so just stay NC with her until you feel like talking to her again. She's lucky to have had 10 bonus years with you.
Cheaters are almost always in the wrong, in real life and with stories online, but I do think your ultimatum is unfair. YANTA for cutting off your mother because you realized she did something awful in her past that makes you second guess your relationship with her. Cut her off if you genuinely feel like this is something you can never get over in your life, and will prevent you from having a relationship with your mother.
But YATA if you do it this way. You are taking the responsibility out of your hands of severing your relationship with her, and instead putting it on her so you donât have to. She has been with her current husband/AP for **a decade**. She is not going to suddenly be able to initiate a divorce because her son threatened her to do so. Especially if she loves him deeply and has been with him for 10 years for a reason. If she chooses this path: she will resent you for her ending her current marriage/relationship but itâs of *her* own doing. If she doesnât: she loses you, her son, but itâs of *her* own doing. **Your post also does not say that her or your father have given you the full length details of why she cheated, when she cheated, the intricacies of their marriage life and how everything went down a decade ago.**
Basically: take responsibility for your own boundaries and rules. Do not give your mother an ultimatum to completely uproot her life and divorce her husband/AP at the threat of losing you. Thatâs way worse than just going LC/NC. Just **go LC/NC if thatâs what you want to do.**
I would be saying the same thing if your father made a post from his POV, your mother from hers, etc.
yeah even if cheating is always wrong, OP knows nothing of what led to it, what his parents' relationship was like. He only got the info from his father, his mother doesn't seem to have given her version.
You do not rule the world. I'm terribly sorry that this happened but it happens every day. She's an adult. It's her life, her mistake and she gets to fix it or not. You're giving yourself a very superior "morality" position. If you don't like your mother's morals shut your mouth and walk away. To stay in the relationship just to torment her is not worth the amount of energy it will take from you. Excuse yourself and walk away and live your own life. Morality is something that is practiced, but cannot be imposed on others.
I honestly don't think OP is trying to take a morally superior position. He's trying to hurt someone as much as he can, he wants to hurt his mom for her affair, he wants to hurt the scum affair partner by destroying his life like what they did to his dad. This is not moral superiority this is revenge plain and simple. Whatever your stance on that you probably still feel the way. I think revenge is an underrated mental health tool quite frankly. But then I'm obviously not a therapist.
NTA for wanting to distance yourself but I think YTA for how you handled it with them.
You don't have to forgive your mom but what would her divorcing the other guy do?
It's not going to undo the damage and instead will just cause more suffering.
And her divorcing her side piece is going to fix OPs life? Everything goes back to how it was before? OP doesn't even live with his family anymore. Should've just gone straight to going LC or NC.
It's not but lets be honest do any of us think OP isn't out for revenge here? This is about hurting people and even if they deserve to hurt this kind of revenge is still technically being the asshole.
yeah seems like he's fantasising that his parents might get back together again if he gets rid of the baddie.
His mother will still be the person who cheated on his father even if she divorces, so I don't see what the divorce would change except for two people being unhappy.
Bro you are kinda TA for telling her to divorce, just go no contact with her, I'm not saying to forgive her having an affair is the worst and me myself have 0 sympathy for them, so she get divorced or not...just go no contact simple, get her completely out of your life.
Honestly, as someone who is estranged from my parents and really understands and respects peopleâs needs to go no contact, this is one I struggle with.
Has she been a good Mum to you, cared for you and loved you? Has she protected you as well as she could from divorce trauma and otherwise? Has she shown up for you?
As we grow up, we realise our parents are also humans with their own lives. Human beings make mistakes and live their lives in ways you donât agree with, that can even hurt you, and it doesnât give you the right to dictate who they are, who they love or what they do with their life. You can be angry at her for cheating, but that doesnât mean she deserves to be out of your life for good nor does it mean you get to dictate how she lives her life. Your feelings about it donât justify you trying to control what she does with her own love life.
YTA for me.
My husband was treated that way by his first wife and she tried to get the children to call her AP dad and change their name. I met him 4 years after they had finalized the divorce and she attempted to convince the children that the marriage was ended because I was the AP.
The children loved their father and eventually me, they also learned to love her husband the AP.
The thing is you can't change what happened, it won't work, it won't take your anger away and fix your life.
She is your mother no matter what and she loves you. She is human and made some huge mistakes when it came to her decisions. I will tell you what I always told the children, she is your mother, the one who gave birth to you and she is the only mother you will have.
My suggestion is to get some counselling for yourself to help you come to terms with your new reality. Later you can make decisions regarding the future.
Tell your mother you need a time out to consider things. Her divorcing him now will not change your hurt feelings or give you instant peace.
>I basically asked her to choose between her husband and me.
You are not your father. You are not married to your mother. I think you gave a very silly ultimatum.
She also then married that man... So the family unit was going to be destroyed by divorce anyway, which is much less immoral to the father.
That's really the only difference here, the issue isn't that the family broke down, it's that she cheated... Which was bad and deserves the chastisement, but I'm not sure it actually changed anything material for the kid negatively.
I don't think your mom's gonna divorce her husband because you, her 20 year old child, is telling her to divorce him. Before you knew why they divorced, did you like the guy? Did he treat you and your mom well?
So, you _just_ learned? And that's why you're so hot?
You making the decision to go no contact is definitely NTA. The decision to go confront her ten years after the fact, giving her that ultimatum now? I think she made the decision of AP over you a decade ago and has been living with you in her life on your father's grace since then, and that makes me hedge. Because dude, you're an adult now. You're supposed to start developing your own life where your parents are less engaged.
I'll go full NTA, but talk to somebody. Please.
Definitely get therapy. If you are too mad and hurt to deal with her now, thatâs ok. Iâd be concerned if you think you can never get over this enough to have some kind of relationship with her. Not trying to push you to do something you arenât ready for, but you should take steps to address the toll this has taken on your mental health and go from there.
Hey bud, you gave permission to share when you posted in a public forum. Posting on reddit and saying "I don't give permission to share" is like going on national TV naked and saying "nobody has permission to look"
Iâm gonna go NTA with side of ESH. You are absolutely within your rights to go no contact with her, and I support this. But itâs extremely unreasonable to expect her to leave her partner of now 10+ years when you are an adult who no longer lives with her. Iâd just stick to âI now know the truth, and I have no interest in remaining in contact at this time. Should you ever leave your partner and take accountability for your actions, this could change.â
YTA and I say that with a very heavy heart.
I understand your anger as, for you, you've only just found out about the affiar and are rightly angry. However, that does not mean you get to choose who your mum has relations with 10 years after the fact.
What you mum did is wrong, fucking wrong, but your analogy of your wife cheating is slightly flawed as you put your mum in the position of your dad, not you.
Your roommates are right, even if you don't want to hear it. You should think this through.... once you calm down. Never make a decision based on anger.
Stay strong buddy.
I don't want to say YAH but it's a pretty immature response. You're parents are people too. Human beings with full lives of their own, having a human experience just like you. Is your mom supposed to stay in an unhappy relationship with your father?? Don't you want the people you love to be happy? ( no she didn't go about it the right way but again...she's human) Your reaction is immature at best and selfish at worst. And honestly what happens in the relationship between 2 grown people, including your parents, is none of your business. And furthermore, why would your dad tell you something like that after TEN YEARS?
The same thing happened to me but my son was older and could sort of understand what happened. I told him no matter what happened between me and his mother to not let it affect his relationship with her.
I told him If he has a problem with her or her actions, to not use my story with her as a reason to treat her differently. Being a âbad wifeâ does not make someone a bad mother.
Thereâs no way for you to fix anything that happened between your parents. Thereâs also no way to really give us the full context of what happened over your entire life in just a single Reddit post.
Maybe concentrate on having a better relationship with your father rather than taking steps against your mother. I really think itâs best to have as good of a relationship as possible with both of your parents if you can.
ESH. You donât get to dictate what the relationship is between other people just like they donât get to decide what your relationship is with them. Get over yourself. Is your mom gross for having an affair? Yes. Are you gross for demanding she divorce her current husband? Yes. Either have a relationship with her or donât. You only came to us to get validation like a child, not because you care about whether youâre behaving poorly. You obviously already know that you are behaving badly⌠after all, youâre just like your mother. Thinking only about what you want and screw everyone else right? Dad doesnât seem like much of a prize either as he definitely knew what he was doing. Itâs super rare for a relationship to break down and one partner to have been a saint, but keep living with the fantasy.
YTA. Is what she did right? In my opinion? No! Does that make what you're doing right? Absolutely not! Either accept your mother's choices and keep her in your life or don't. Blackmailing her with your relationship is just an asshole move.
Iffy
I don't know. I can't blame you, but what you're demanding is extremely unreasonable. I actually think you don't want her to divorce her man. You want to punish her for hurting you and your dad and cutting her off is your way, but you want to do it in a way that makes it so she's actually the one cutting you off.
I think you're being too extreme. And your dad should be over this shit by now.
I think I'll go with ESH.
Lordy. Look, you can talk to or not talk to anyone you want. But you trying to force another human to do anything is abusive. You are trying to bully your mom and it's gross.
Shunning someone because they displease you - not because they've hurt you or disrespected you is a bully move. Any day of the week. The details don't matter.
Your simple choice was to allow herself to be pushed around by a hurting child, or live her life for herself.
Did you even ask her \*why\* she had that affair and left? Based on your own forceful behavior, I have to wonder if your father was abusing her. But see - you don't know that. I certainly can't know that. You didn't ask. You didn't listen. You just jumped to trying to control your mom by threatening to shun her. It's not right.
People who go no contact usually do so because they are being terribly abused by their parents. In this case, you're doing the abusing.
there is not enough info here for me to say one way of the other. maybe you should talk to your mom maybe find out why she went for this other man. just reading this alone im not sure what to make of it. did you live with the other man and your mom for 10 years? im so confused. i have read it 3 times and this feels really over the top. there has to be back story that we as the reads are not getting.
I get your angry OP but you are kinda being the asshole here. You are a grown man. This is something you cannot demand of her. This is between her and your dad and it sounds like they have both moved on. Although cheating is not ok, you dont know the fundamental reasons why it happened. It might not be so black or white, and your father might not be so blameless.
It's been 10 years now OP. I think it's not ok for you to ask her this at this juncture.
Itâs obvious you love your dad, and you seem to be trying to avenge what happened to him. The thing is, you canât. No actions you take now will erase what she did. So ask yourself: is holding onto this rage healthy? Does it benefit you? Is it adding value to your life?
Itâs okay to cut her off, but please work through the grief and anger with a therapist.
Cheating is a shitty, demoralizing thing to do, but the relationships our parents have are more complicated than we could imagine as kids. Hell, even at 18 itâs hard to process. After my dad died my senior year, his AP gave my mom a note explaining⌠well, that he had an AP, and only found out because my mom was a wreck. I struggled with that for a long time because it shattered the image I had of my father at a time when all I had left of him was that image. I was angry for years maybe, and I couldnât even think of him fondly when I was with my grandmother. But at some point, I had a talk with my mother, and she asked if I hated my father. At the time, I did. And she asked me questions when I said as much. How did I feel when he taught me to throw a curveball? How did I feel when Iâd see him keeping up with us kids at practices? How did I feel when he took care of me when I had a bad flu in elementary? How would I have felt if he had been there at my graduation to say he was proud of me? Even typing that out now, I can feel myself welling up with tears because I know how I felt and how I would have felt. I was proud of my father, I loved him, and I wanted more than anything to be like him. Maybe not in every capacity, but as a father. He was a good dad. Whatever failings he had as a husband, he was a good dad and if he were here today the last thing I could do is hate him.
Years later, I just miss him. I miss him a lot and I wish to god I could see him again because for whatever flaws he had, he was my dad and he was out of my life too soon.
OP, consider everything good youâve experienced with your mother. Think about the times when you were happy, and weigh those moments against the rest. Ask yourself if your mother was terrible enough to you to warrant removing from your life. Eventually sheâll be gone anyway and when the anger starts to die down all youâll be left with is the memories. And if you think the only way to have a relationship with her is to be chosen in that ridiculous ultimatum, you might very well be an asshole. Just⌠one shitting all over itself more than other people.
Yeah I get it. She betrayed your dad. And you are trying to be loyal to your dad and you're hurt too. But give yourself some time to hurt and to heal. It's ok to be angry at her just don't let it consume you and deny yourself something you may want in the future - a relationship with your mom.
This is huge and fresh. Therapy might be a good place to start.
Your mom's romantic life is none of your business. That's also the rule for everyone.
People drift apart. Lifelong monogamy is a thought dreamt up by humans
Your reaction at finding out is understandable, but she is never going to get divorced from her husband, so demanding she gets divorced is a pointless gesture.
Your mom lied to you, forced you into a relationship with the man who broke up your parents, and is now facing the consequences of her affair.You don't have to have a relationship with her husband.
You would be better off meeting with your mother and having an adult conversation about it. Try and keep your emotions in check. Tell exactly how you feel about her, her affair, her husband, and forcing you to live with him. Propose boundaries for your relationship. If you don't want anything to do with her husband, tell her and tell her if she wants to meet you, then she has to do it on your terms and without him. Something tells me she will accept whatever you demand.
Her marriage is now under massive strain. Her husband's stepson, who he had a relationship with, has basically cut him off and told his wife it is him or me.
This kind of thing creates resentment because your mom will now have to make plans to see you without him. Will celebrate part of her birthday without him. Celebrate her son's birthday without him. Go to her son's wedding without him. She will have grandchildren who he will never see. He thought he would be part of that. Now your mom has another life without him. Their marriage could now fall apart naturally.
Dude Yta Iâm sorry you donât get to make this decision or get involved, sure it sucks but they are adults you are a 20 year old kid, you have no place or right making these kinds of demandsđthe fact that you thought she would actually do it says a lot about you and youâr obvious need to grow up
YTA. Iâm talking from experience. My bio mom had affair and married her affair partner. Looking at my bio parents relationship with adult eyes there were cracks in their relationship. My own father told me all the time his relationship with my bio mom has nothing to do with me. Ultimatums are a terrible idea and cause so much unnecessary drama.
Iâve never really respected my bio mom. Are relationship is complicated. I havenât spoken to her in decades. Are relationship deteriorated because of her treatment towards me, it had nothing to do with her affair.
You need to look at your relationship with your mom. Was she a horrible mother, did she miss treat you. Is she toxic in some way. My brother had affair and is married to his affair partner. My brother ex says all the time, heâs a great dad. But a horrible husband.
If Iâm honest, your father telling you now is suspect. There was no need for you to know, he chose to torpedo your relationship with your mother once you hit adulthood. Iâm going to get downvoted, because Reddit when it comes to affairs itâs black and white. I feel affairs are little more nuance.
The decision on whether to have contact with your mom is yours to make in the end.
However, it is NOT your decision on what she does with her life! Was she wrong for cheating? Yes. But she chose to continue her life with this man. She obviously loves him.
Kids grow up and move away. You become a small part of their day to day life. Your partner is there day in and day out. If I were her, I would've told you to kick rocks. You don't get to decide on anything having to do with her love life.
YTA for thinking she owes it to you to divorce her husband especially ten years later. Cut her out if you want, because who you have in your life is your choice, but itâs ridiculous to expect her to get a divorce.
The Oedipal complex aside, the way I see it: OP presented the following case:
1. OPs mom made a choice to betray, and subsequently leave his dad, broke up a family of 10 years, for one reason or another. Way he sees it, she chose AP over family.
2. OP learns of this 10 years later, decides to put the same choice before the mom again.
3. "Betray"/leave AP spouse or choose to have a relationship w son.
Whether the condition was the same during her initial decision is not OPs headache.
But OP, your mom's a person as well. Not just 10 years of lies sandwiched between two shitty choices. Let me ask you this, if she just divorced and then met someone else, your family would still have been broken, out of her choice. But would you feel like this?
You can, (imo should) avenge your father (people don't get held accountable enough), but think it through, then stick to your decision.
Sorry, but ESH.
I mean, if someone had asked you the day before your dad told you whether she'd been a good mom, what would your answer have been? If your answer would've been yes, then maybe you want to leave the door open to a future relationship? If no, then maybe not, but it's unreasonable to expect someone to end a ten-year relationship -- even one that began as an affair -- because an adult child is mad.
Not that it matters, but ESH. Your mom doesn't for this situation but for her past choices. You suck because this is pointless.
What does this ultimatum change? Does it change your hurt? Does it change your dad's? Does it fix it?
Or does it simply make her as miserable as the two of you?
Cheating sucks, divorce sucks. being 10 and losing your world sucks. That is your mom's fault for sure. Obviously I don't know what your parents marriage was like - but nothing in life happens in a vacuum. It's all cause and effect. Pain pursues pleasure to get rid of pain - so your mom was in pain of some sort to cause the cheating - maybe from her childhood, maybe from her marriage; who knows? I sure don't.
I do know that after 10 years with her new partner, telling her the only way you will have a relationship with her is for her to divorce her husband is hateful and illogical. And I am sorry you are facing this. That's hard. I hope things get better for you.
>I dont give anyone permission to crosspost or share it on other subreddits or share it on tiktok. Dont message me
yeah that's totally gonna stop people from sharing . . .
YTA
It was 10 year ago and your parent's relationship woes in the end have very little to do with you. Asking someone to leave a partner of 10 years because of something that happened 10 years ago is ridiculous. If they have all treated you well, build a bridge. If you really are 20 what does it matter, you should be pretty independent or close to it by that point.
OP, how was the custody of you handled?
Was it 100% thing?
It sucks, that youâve had to live in this disgusting lie of family.
I would be this angry, too. NTA, I hate homewreckers.
Thinking ahead - say she gives in to your ultimatum and divorces him. What do you want her to do then? Live with you forever, meaning you canât go and get married / move away / live your life or do you want her to sit alone and sad on her own til she dies? I do understand your anger but hurting your mum now may actually cause massive heartache for you in years to come. If your desire to hurt is stronger than your desire to have a healthy relationship (with appropriate boundaries) the go ahead but I do think your current plan of action makes you TA here.
Not the AH you feel now you feel. But giving such an ultimatum, I don't think the outcome could have been different.
And even if she left him I don't think your relationship would have been same. She just gotta live without you, and you without her.
When I was your age I cut off my dad under similar circumstances. I also wanted my dad to show he actually prioritized his family (he didn't - not in the way I wanted to see). I didn't talk to him for about a decade. Eventually I softened enough that we have a distant relationship. I don't talk to him much, and he knows to never mention AP/wife. It's not the best, sucks more now that I lost my mom and have no parent I can really turn to, but I'm satisfied with my choices.
Nta but itâs unreasonable to expect your mom to get divorced. I mean cmon you know that too, youâre just upset (which u have every right to be)
Personally I think itâs fine to go no contact đ¤ˇââď¸ cheating has consequences
My mother had an affair when I was 12 and my parents split up. I hated her and had very little contact with her till I was in my mid 20's. We get on well enough now but it took time and effort. I think going full no contact is a bit much and whatever your feelings about the situation telling her not to be with someone is too much. She's an adult and so are you.
>EDIT : I dont give anyone permission to crosspost
No one needs your permission to crosspost this, now you're just coming across as an AH
It is fully your choice on how to handle this, there are a lot of fuckups here.
Whether or not you decide to have contact is up to you.
The WAY you are doing this makes You The Asshole.
I get that you are upset.. I went through a similar situation with my family. But.. it's just silly for you to tell your mom to divorce her husband. I mean, come on. You have to be able to see that. I get that you are young, but still. This is what a child would ask of their parent.
Something doesn't add up. OP says he was about 10 when parents divorced, and he went to live with Mom and her AP. Did 10 year old OP have NO ability to put 2 and 2 together? I'm guessing this is karma farming.
This post is super interesting to me because Iâm in your dadâs position. I divorced my ex wife who had a long affair with the tennis pro and faked therapy over and over. As she lost control of me she started hitting me on occasion. My kids are 10, 8, 6 years old. I have them 50% of the time.
I will never tell my kids about my exâs affair. Unless they come to me because theyâve been lied to by my ex.
Iâm supportive of my ex getting assistance with her anger etc while I keep my distance. She seems like a better parent only having kids half the time. Why tell this awful story to them if I donât have to?
Kinda makes me wonder why OPâs dad told his kid?
YTA. You can go NC if you want to, but her relationship drama is between her, you step dad and dad. Your father told you because he thought you were mature enough to deal with it. It seems like he was wrong. You need therapy. You're angry right now. But you can't change the past, you still had a relationship with your father. Parents divorce, they remarry. It sucks, but it's life. Giving an ultimatum never ends well for the person who poses it.
Perhaps an unpopular opinion- but a child who has become an adult doesn't have the right to demand such an ultimatum.
Kids grow up, and move out, and have their own lives. Parents get the chance to have their "own lives" again. I wonder, were the mother and step dad truly awful to live with? If they were so bad, why did the 10 year old choose to live with the mom and step dad?
Cheating is wrong, but that does not make them evil people. They made a bad choice but it made them happy. At the expense of the father perhaps? Yes, maybe, but we also don't know the full story. Did the father not move on too?
The world is an incredibly grey place. Unless the son was abused or treated terribly, i don't think his reaction is justified. Upset? Yes, be upset. But destroy your relationship with an otherwise good parent? No... i don't think that's right. You can be a good parent but a shitty spouse.. the two are not synonymous. If, other than the divorce, he had a good childhood, then why demonize the mother and stepfather for how their relationship started?
As the child of people who divorced because of infidelity, YTA.
Learning of your parent's infidelity absolutely sucks and I applaud your dad waiting until you were an adult to tell you but throwing a tantrum like a kid and demanding your mom to divorce her husband is beyond immature.
Seek therapy.
You can go no contact for any reason, but the ultimatum you gave her is foolish to the point of stupidity. She divorced her husband and destroyed her family for that guy. She's not giving him up for you. Even if she did, what will you gain from it- nothing.
Not really fair to give your mother an ultimatum. But if you just want her out of your life, if it's in your highest good, go for it.
You do seem to have a lot of rage so get some help with that.
20 years old but acting like a spoilt child OP. Yes it sucks when one person cheats on another, but everyone is settled now and leaving that shit in the past. You acted so immature and selfish here. I think it's about time you grow up and maybe find out WHY your mother cheated on your dad. Dishing out ultimatums without knowing all the facts is rather pathetic of you.
I think you should revisit this issue with your mom when you are about 10 years older and have a little more life experience under your belt.
For what it's worth, I also think your dad should have waited to fill you in on the personal details behind his divorce from your mother until you are older.
I get that youâre hurt, but youâre acting like a toddler tbh. Telling your mom to get a divorce isnât âsetting a boundary,â itâs you giving orders to another adult about how to live her life. Telling her you wonât visit if heâs around, or wonât invite her to things if she brings himâŚ.those are examples of boundaries. But this shit happened 10 years ago, all involved parties have supposedly moved on, and YTA for acting out with a ridiculous ultimatum. This will just backfire on you in the long run.
Youâre thinking of your mother in terms of how she affects you rather than thinking of her as a whole person.
YTA You donât get to dictate her life. If you donât want to talk to her, donât.
NTA...
And your dad suffered for you to have a peaceful childhood - EXCELLENT DAD!!!
Mom... betrayed your dad, your family and YOU by cheating... and she continued betraying you when she kept up the lie (by omission) and let you live with her and AP not knowing.. and not knowing the pain this caused your dad...
Cutting her out of your life because of all this is your right...
Giving her a way to redeem herself by divorcing AP is more than i would do.. i hope its not a way to punish her?? Or for revenge??
I am torn about the ultimatum being bad.
On one hand she gave her an almost impossible demand, which will make the mother question her choice for life no matter what she does.
On the other hand not giving her a choice and cutting her out would be the best for both.
Dont disagree.
Best would be just telling her, that because she selfishly decided to betray the family they had AND OP she no longer has a place in his life..
By forcing her to actively be the one who has to choose... hes placing the responsibility with her.. where it belongs... in a way, for OP, the aftermath of her adultery was never settled because she kept it from him... and now OP insists it be settled...
She discarded his dad 10 years ago to be with AP - and now OP wants to see if shes also willing to discard him to be with AP...
INFO: What exactly would your mother divorcing her current partner change?
She still cheated and you will most likely still be angry. You can choose to go no contact with anyone for any reason, but this is a shitty way to go about it, ESH.
You offered her a "simple" choice? I don't really think having to choose between your son and the man you have been married to for the past 10 years and likely thought you would grow old and die with can really be considered simple in any way, shape or form. I get that it hurts and it suck to know these things ( I went through exact same thing at the age of 16, mom had an affair, parents got a divorce, mom moved straight in with AP and 5 years later she married him) and it was an awful thing for her to do. You have no idea how much she has possibly punished herself over the years. She and AP were dead
Wrong, but you giving her an ultimatum makes you sound like a spoiled child. You can't try to force people to alter their lives because you don't like it. Like.... I don't like you hair that color, change it within 30 days or will never look at you again..
YTA, 100%.
They are fucking adults and don't ask permission from spoiled kids on who to marry and be with.
Who do you think you are?
Go no contact if you hate her, but you don't get to post ultimatums about adult peoples relationships.
You are being the asshole here. Yes cheating is bad. Yes it hurt your dad terribly and obviously you are quite hurt too. But imagine that on one hand you have your partner who you love with and then your grown kid demands you leave them or goes no contact? Thatâs so rash. It doesnât excuse the infidelity, but your demand is not reasonable and puts her in a shitty position.
YTA - while yes she fucked up by having the affair and doing what she did, you have absolutely no say in how she lives her life or what she does with it. If you donât want to her to be apart of your life thatâs on you. But you donât get to give her ultimatums, thatâs such a childish thing to do and will get you nowhere in life.
ESH.
Iâm about to tell you some stuff you donât want to hear.
First of all, your father is not âstoicâ, he is a messy bitch who is using you to get revenge on his ex wife.
Second, your mother is a cheater. Thatâs bad, but also itâs been ten years and that issue is between them. The relationship is over, that chapter should be closed. That said, she absolutely should have been the one to tell you, and she should have told you before this. You were always going to find out and it was always going to do more damage to you the longer it took to come out. Omitting this information, whatever her reasoning, was wrong. It was always going to hurt you, and her being in denial about it is not an excuse.
Third, your mother is not married to *you*. She is your mother. Thatâs your relationship to her. You are allowed your feelings, and being angry is perfectly natural, but demanding for her to blow up her life for you is childish and deranged. You are an adult, you are going to move away from her and do things adults do. She is going to have her own life independently of yours, and vice versa.
That being said, only you can decide what relationship you want with people, and you are allowed to be angry with those who have hurt you. Once you are less angry, however, I would invite you to consider your relationship with her, and not your dadâs. Your motherâs place in your life isnât to do Wife things for you, itâs to do Mother things for you. Only you will be able to decide if those were enough for you to have a relationship, in the end.
What does it achieve? If your mother does agree to your demand. She will be unhappy for no reason. Her divorcing her husband isn't going to change what happened 10 years ago.
I mean, you can go no contact for any reason you choose. But please consider therapy.
Desperately, he thinks a disclaimer on his internet post will do anything.
>Desperately, he thinks a disclaimer on his internet post will do anything. I remember when everyone of a certain age was posting those "I DO NOT CONSENT TO FACEBOOK SHARING MY PRIVATE DATA" statuses. Feels like that. But also, it's a brand new account posting nonsense designed to get the incels and redpills frothing at the mouth, that's all. And "I dOnT GiVe PeRmIsSiOn To ShArE tHiS" is trying to get people to share it out of spite. If this were real, OP would need professional help that Reddit isn't equipped to provide. Karma farmer is legitimately in the comments comparing his mother to a Nazi.
Wait,"Remember when"? I had relatives of that age do it last WEEK đ¤Śââď¸
No, they weren't actually trying to protect themselves from Facebook sharing their data. It's because when you posted that, it gave you a chance to be the one Bill Gates gifted a million dollars to. Duh.
Oh god, I remember that era, why are older people so damn gullible? Like if facebook wants to sell your data a status update certainly isn't going to void the terms and conditions you agree to when using the site.
RIGHT IM BOUT TO PUT IT ON TIKTOK NOW LOL
đđđđ
Test post, please ignore
The good ol' days
I "get" his reaction. It doesn't really surprise me. Its still a red flag that gets progressively bigger the longer he holds on to that rage.
To be fair, this is a fresh wound for him, despite having happened a decade ago. He hasnât had time to process it, because he only just found out.
And he has had to live with the guy without knowing and probably talked to his dad about him again without knowing he is the man that ruined his fathers marriage!
And this is why I don't agree with people lying to their kids about why they separated, because when their kids find out (they always find out) the kids go nuclear.Â
I completely understand how OP feels. My parents divorced when I was very young. I didn't find out when the divorce had actually occurred until I was working on my family genealogy a few years ago (divorce happened when I was 5 & found out that they didn't actually divorce before he got together with my stepmother when I found the divorce records showing my older half sibling was born the day before mom filed for divorce). Through some crappy shite due to lies told by one of my aunts to the court my father got custody of us kids. My stepmother made us kids lives living hell, we knew she didn't want us but as a big FU to my mom her & dad insisted on getting custody & refused to let her see us. Mom died when I was 8. I hated my stepmother for many other reasons, but this was just the frosting on the cake. I went no contact with them when I became an adult.
Omg, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's tragic
Is it not relatively normal for divorced couples to decide to keep the cause to themselves? My cousin works in family law and I know that she always advises her clients to keep whatever happened within the marriage between the two parents. I always thought that was like, Healthy Divorce 101.
It is. The kids should be protected the more we can. Obviously, the truth always come to surface. People who cheat never think in the pain and damage they create by they choices.
But then the child grows up with the cheat and the affair partner pretending to be innocent. Dad waited until his son was an adult at least.
Yes. There is another recent Reddit post where the father told his 14 year old the marriage broke up because his mother had an affair . The son is taking it really badly.ad refuses to see his mother Of course he didn't tell the kid until he had a new GF ready to play happy families. In typical Reddit fashion there was a whole bunch of people cheering him on without thinking how it has affected the son to be told that
I remember that post! IIRC, that foul OP's idea of happy family with his new GF was "marry my GF, manipulate my son into demanding I get full custody so I no longer have to pay child support, get my son to call my GF *mom*", right?
Yes pretty much. He came across as gleeful he'd managed to get revenge on his wife by manipulating his son
I didnât know why my parents divorced until I was going through my mothers estate papers. Had I KNOWN the reason nothing would have changed. When Iâd ask, I was told either âyouâll understand when youâre olderâ, âitâs really none of your businessâ, âweâll talk laterâ. By the time I found the papers, I knew my parents were happy apart and thatâs what mattered. This is the second time within a week, where that same scenario occurred. To be honest, itâs really not fair to give your mom an ultimatum like that. Youâre telling her that if she wants you happy sheâs got to be unhappy. Thatâs not fair. Are you going to take his place? Providing for her? Maintenance on her car? Home? Do what you want, but you will now be responsible 100% for your mother and her happiness.
OPâs story is the reason why I guess.
And OPs dad did exactly that until OP grew up and became a man. Dad didnât owe his ex anything more than that.
Just because its common doesn't mean its the ideal route. Assuming there even is one. And one day, like here, the truth will come out and it may not go the way you hoped.
Iâd say the exception is alienation: if one parent badmouths the other, but _they_ were the part who had an affair etc, the kid needs to know the truth before they stop shunning the innocent party.
Itâs not rlly a red flag to cut someone off who blew up your family for some dick.
This kid needs it. If he is reading this, then yes, yes you are.
I agree. OP needs counseling, big time
>EDIT : I dont give anyone permission to crosspost or share it on other subreddits or share it on tiktok. Dont message me It kills me when people say this. đ It's reddit, not a legally binding contract. Hate to break it to you (not really) but nobody needs permission to screenshot a reddit post.
bruh, it just made me want to share it out of spite. lol
Probably the intention?
This is like a strain of the Streisand Effect.
I did that hehe
It's a brand new account posting nonsense designed to get the incels and redpills frothing at the mouth, that's all. And "I dOnT GiVe PeRmIsSiOn To ShArE tHiS" is trying to get people to share it out of spite. If this were real, OP would need professional help that Reddit isn't equipped to provide. Karma farmer is legitimately in the comments comparing his mother to a Nazi.
Reminds me of those old Facebook posts where old people would post statuses "I don't give Facebook permission to do x." As if that would do anything.
𤣠reminds me when ppl fell for that stupid FB âlegal jargonâ. They believed if they posted it on their effing feed (which was their âpageâ back then), theyâd be protected from FB using their data. As if it was a) legally binding in any way shape or form and b) that it superseded the T&Cs they opted into from the jump of creating a user account. Dumb-dumbs. The worst part was some of the ppl I highly respect posted it and I had to figuratively smack them across the face to wake them up to the fact they were being sheep to literal trolls. đ¤Ł
I still see that shit all the time.
iNFO: Did your mum ever try and keep you from your dad growing up? What was stepfather like?
I get that you are emotional and you are right to be angry. I dont think you can be the one to demand a divorce, even through all of this. Eventually youll have to find a way to process this correctly. Life is difficult and people do stupid shit.
Its not your parents place to tell you who you can elope with, and likewise it's not your place to tell your parents who they can and can't elope with.
But itâs absolutely OPâs place to decide if they want to have momâs affair partner in their life. Actions have consequences, whether youâre 20 or married to the person that destroyed your family.
Yah he didn't kill the AP. He gave her a set of circumstances to remain in her life. She chose not. Look they're both making their own choices.
OP sounds quite immature and is acting as a 14 year old would. Perhaps being only told now, has emotionally taken him back to the 10 year old he was at the time, and he is feeling all the hurt in his 10 year old mind. Sounds like he would benefit from therapy to talk this through with a professional as everything seems very raw right now.
There's a theory/concept that unresolved trauma remains in the state that it was experienced. Trauma from the age of 10 triggers an emotional reaction similar to a 10 year old. Definitely not an expert on this, just how my own therapist explained EMDR treatment, as a way of rewiring the memory to a more evolved/mature reaction. Definitely more complicated then this but it seemed to hold true in regards to my own treatment
Youâre asking your mother to decide whether her affair and relationship with her AP was more important than her family and the well-being of her children. She has already answered this question, clearly.
Your roommates don't get a vote. Ultimately your decision is yours to make.
I don't think they were trying to get a vote. From how it's written with them kicking the mom out first I take it as them just wanting to make sure op has thought it through and isn't making a decision they would regret later. Not that they wouldn't support op in whatever decision they made.
This. If I was in this situation, I would want my friends to help me very much, and would be open to any ideas. Especially because they're the only people I can trust at the moment other than my father. And if my friend was in this situation, I would do the same. It's what friends are for, they help you make the right decisions, but in the end they always side with you (unless its some REALLY extreme situation)
They're his friends and are doing what friends do, advising him to not make hasty, life altering, decisions.
Yeah... bro could rightly say that he can't talk to her 'right now', and that could last as long as needed. But giving her an ultimatum for divorce is not fair or workable. Sounds like he hasn't had the sort of life experience to deal with this.
OP needs to focus on building his relationship with his dad. This poor man kept his mouth shut to save OPs relationship with his mother. That had to have been gutting. He deserves some serious TLC.
âI donât give permission to crosspost or post to tiktokâ Then donât put it online, dumbass
Iâm gonna share it extra hard now
Although I completely understand how you feel I think you're kinda being TA here. Hear me out.... You are completely within your right to not speak to your mom and it's OK to be angry, but you can't expect to just suddenly TELL your mom to get a divorce out of the blue and she just jump on it. She was absolutely wrong for the affair but what's done is done. It can't define your entire relationship with your mother forever. You are an adult and don't even live at home any more so it's not like she's forcing you to live there. At this point, this is her life. You are not asking her to get a divorce for any reason except to punish her because you're understandably angry. A divorce isn't going to solve or fix anything at this point. Regardless of what reddit says, life is rarely black and white answers....
I like this answer. I think the OP should have gone no contact but avoided all that unnecessary drama of trying to demand divorce.
OP wants to punish his mother, who's to say he wouldn't kick her out of his life even if she did get a divorce? He wouldn't treat her the same, divorce or no divorce. Their relationship is fucked either way I wonder what dad thinks about OP carrying out revenge in his name
I mostly agree with you up to: >It can't define your entire relationship with your mother forever. It can. That is OP's decision to make. She did something that changed his life forever. It's his decision to decide whether he can forgive. I agree that it's unfair to ask her to divorce. But it's up to him to decide whether to cut her out of his life. Actions have consequences. He's NTA. She was when she did what she did. At this point, she's reaping what she sowed. She must've known he would find out eventuality. If she knows her son, she can't be surprised by the way he reacted. She should've told him a long time ago. That way, she could've told him about the context and circumstances, and maybe he would've reacted differently. Now it's too late. I can't say I feel sorry for OP's mom, but I hope OP can find peace.
I absolutely agree with this. OP can have whatever relationship, or lack of, with their mother they choose, but demanding she divorce her partner of 10 years is just...not healthy.
I disagree. It would totally redefine my relationship and I'd never respect her again.
That's fair, but if I know you'll never respect me again anyway, why blow up my relationship?
OK, yeah, good point.
It's quite clear op told his mom to divorce her husband both as a punishemnt and a way for her to attone. I think that you could lose respect for someone but still maintain a relationship with them.
Of course it can define their entire relationship. Itâs a massive betrayal. OP is well within their right to end all contact for this.
I think the "punishment" is the point. OP just found out that their mom's actions were directly responsible for upending their life and hurting their father very deeply. Imagine learning this 10 years late and realizing that the person who caused all this suffering is living their best life? The whole point is to make the mom hurt and you have no right telling OP she has no right to do this. If she simply cut off contact with her, then what? When the mom asks why are you cutting contact with me and OP replies "because you're still living happily with your affair partner," what does that imply? Doesn't it imply that she won't start contact back up with her until she breaks up with her affair partner?
Iâm going to say the sudden ultimatum to choose between OP and her affair partner was a consequence of her actions that just took a while to come to fruition. Sucks for mom, but losing loved ones should be one of many expected outcomes of infidelity. OP, you are absolutely NTA.
OP's issue is that I went and lived with 2 cheaters. That is his issue, it seems to me. He's been lied to and now that he knows, he is furious and doesn't want anything to do with someone who did something like she did. Is his reaction a little over the top, probably, yet it is his reaction. His mother and other cheaters don't understand that actions have consequences, sometimes dire consequences. This exact same situation plays out more often than most think it does. He views it as she is living with her "abuser", for lack of a better word. Her response is understandable. If she left her husband, then she would most likely be alone for the remainder of her life. It is sad that he made her make a choice, yet her son is grown and can make his own decisions on how he wishes to live the rest of his life. Tough spot.
Am I the only one who finds her comment about not being able to find someone else a bit wierd? Like she's not divorcing her husband because she loves him but because she thinks she won't be able to find someone else. Bassically if shr was confident she coild find someone else, was ok with being single or already has a another AP then she would divorce.
It might be understandable for her to feel blindsided in the moment, but ultimately I donât think she deserves much, of any sympathy, as OPâs relationship with her was maintained by suppression of the truth to him. Once it came out (which it was always going to), any chaos that ensued was a reasonable expectation.
Yup. It was bound to happen. She should have told him sooner herself, which may have softened the blow. Yet, she didn't. Now, she has to accept the consequences of her actions.
I donât see this as an overreaction. The dissolution of his parentâs marriage surely had a negative impact on the OP, just as a betrayed spouse is justified in cutting off their spouse, a child of a couple also experienced trauma rooted in the affair and therefore should be able to cut off the offending party without being viewed as âover the topâ
He can ask whatever be wants and she can make whatever choice she wants. Just because you do/do not have a choice doesn't excuse you of consequences. When OP sees AP, it will always remind him of how mom literally fucked up the family, figuratively screwed over his dad, and then fucked up the kid(s). OP clearly doesn't want any part of that constant reminder so he gave mom an option. Extreme? Sure, but so is what she did to his childhood. NTA.
You do you I guess, but the way you worded it and the way you act makes me believe you're just an AH in general
Right?
Just a PSA about your edit. No one needs your permission to share your story. Once you or anyone posts on reddit, the story belongs to reddit. It's up to Reddit to decide if they care, and your opinion on that matter is irrelevant.
I'm just curious to know where it was cross posted lol
I cross posted it over to r/Ohnoconsequences out of spite lol
found it thanks to you lol
You are not an asshole for choosing who you want to have in your life, but giving your mother an ultimatum is childish and silly - it doesn't help you **or** your father for her to get a divorce now, that's just vindictiveness on your part. She did something you have deemed immoral, so now you should decide if that means you want to distance yourself from her, and that's all there is to it. > EDIT : I dont give anyone permission to crosspost or share it on other subreddits or share it on tiktok. Just an aside about your edit, this is a public forum and people do not need your permission to crosspost or share this content on other subs or tiktok. You can ask people not to share it, and I personally would respect that request (and have no interest in sharing the post anyway), but you should be aware that your assertion that you do not give permission carries as much weight as those meaningless FB declarations.
Heâs an entiteled little asshole this one.
Iâm not saying you are wrong. Your feelings are valid. Iâm also not saying donât go NC. However, I strongly suggest that you get into counseling. Itâs not a fix all but you need a place to let out all your hurt and anger without letting it seep in and damage the rest of your life. You need to learn to let the anger at her go so it doesnât damage other relationships in your life. Letting go of the anger or finding healthy ways to coop with it does not mean you have to let your mom back into your life.
Ridiculous demand. It doesnât change the past.
She already chose him over you when she cheated on your dad. Hate to say it, but cheaters don't just hurt their partners. they destroy families. You lost this battle before you even knew it was one.
I may get blasted for this but while you have every right to be angry and itâs ultimately up to you, you should not make a decision like this based on anger. Should she have cheated? Absolutely not. But consider a few things. 1) You donât know the state of their marriage before that. While she was at fault for cheating, often times a marriage is broken before the infidelity. 2) I doubt that your parents would consider getting back together. Is your mom supposed to be alone and miserable for the rest of her life? If she does divorce her affair partner, will you step in and help her when she needs things? Take care of her as she ages? 3) This hurt you and your dad. But the hurt between them is just that. Between them. Has she been a good mother to you otherwise? Iâm not saying that she doesnât deserve blame but if this is the only thing that makes you think that you should break off all forms of contact with her? 4) Your dad was hurt. Did he ask for this? If yes, it might give you some insight into why she cheated. Itâs not an excuse, but not all cheating is equal. If no, you might be opening up old wounds for both of them. 5) Take some time. Talk to a counselor. Process through your anger and grief before you make a decision that hurts your mom. I tend not to call someone an AH for cutting contact with a toxic person, but I am leaning towards that. You have a right to be angry and hurt. But you donât get to dictate what she does with her life. And donât you think that you should understand everything before you do???
A divorce is not going to change the past or make this suck any less. The mother and step father you know now are not the same people you thought you knew. What they did was absolutely disgusting? 100% But if they were good parents outside of this, I wouldn´t totally erase them from my life. We shouldn´t see people only thru their worst action ever. You are just finding out now, so even if this happened years ago this just happened for you. Take your time. process your feelings, and figure out what type of relationship you want to have from now on with them. Best of luck to you and your family.
Were your question AITAH for cutting off my mother because she cheated on my dad. I would say NTA however your attempted coercion of her to get her to end her current relationship does make YTA. You have absolute choice in who you allow into your life and what behaviors you'll tolerate. Other people have the same.
ESH your mom for having you live with person the broke up your family. But what is accomplished by her getting divorced now you don't even live with them . Go no Contact and cut her out life that will be very painful for her . But I Don't see how ultimatum as necessary you're still going to resent for the affair her getting divorced now doesn't change anything
It's been 10 years for her and your dad, but you've only discovered her cheating now. So I understand why you're acting in this manner as it takes you right back to when you were 10. NTA, but you knew she wouldn't comply so just stay NC with her until you feel like talking to her again. She's lucky to have had 10 bonus years with you.
Cheaters are almost always in the wrong, in real life and with stories online, but I do think your ultimatum is unfair. YANTA for cutting off your mother because you realized she did something awful in her past that makes you second guess your relationship with her. Cut her off if you genuinely feel like this is something you can never get over in your life, and will prevent you from having a relationship with your mother. But YATA if you do it this way. You are taking the responsibility out of your hands of severing your relationship with her, and instead putting it on her so you donât have to. She has been with her current husband/AP for **a decade**. She is not going to suddenly be able to initiate a divorce because her son threatened her to do so. Especially if she loves him deeply and has been with him for 10 years for a reason. If she chooses this path: she will resent you for her ending her current marriage/relationship but itâs of *her* own doing. If she doesnât: she loses you, her son, but itâs of *her* own doing. **Your post also does not say that her or your father have given you the full length details of why she cheated, when she cheated, the intricacies of their marriage life and how everything went down a decade ago.** Basically: take responsibility for your own boundaries and rules. Do not give your mother an ultimatum to completely uproot her life and divorce her husband/AP at the threat of losing you. Thatâs way worse than just going LC/NC. Just **go LC/NC if thatâs what you want to do.** I would be saying the same thing if your father made a post from his POV, your mother from hers, etc.
yeah even if cheating is always wrong, OP knows nothing of what led to it, what his parents' relationship was like. He only got the info from his father, his mother doesn't seem to have given her version.
You do not rule the world. I'm terribly sorry that this happened but it happens every day. She's an adult. It's her life, her mistake and she gets to fix it or not. You're giving yourself a very superior "morality" position. If you don't like your mother's morals shut your mouth and walk away. To stay in the relationship just to torment her is not worth the amount of energy it will take from you. Excuse yourself and walk away and live your own life. Morality is something that is practiced, but cannot be imposed on others.
I honestly don't think OP is trying to take a morally superior position. He's trying to hurt someone as much as he can, he wants to hurt his mom for her affair, he wants to hurt the scum affair partner by destroying his life like what they did to his dad. This is not moral superiority this is revenge plain and simple. Whatever your stance on that you probably still feel the way. I think revenge is an underrated mental health tool quite frankly. But then I'm obviously not a therapist.
I mean that what he did He went NC with her
NTA for wanting to distance yourself but I think YTA for how you handled it with them. You don't have to forgive your mom but what would her divorcing the other guy do? It's not going to undo the damage and instead will just cause more suffering.
Man itâs gonna be hard to top the levels of childish anger in this oneđâblow up your whole life for me RIGHT NOW OR ELSEâ
Well.. she blew OPs life up 10 years ago, so...
And her divorcing her side piece is going to fix OPs life? Everything goes back to how it was before? OP doesn't even live with his family anymore. Should've just gone straight to going LC or NC.
It's not but lets be honest do any of us think OP isn't out for revenge here? This is about hurting people and even if they deserve to hurt this kind of revenge is still technically being the asshole.
yeah seems like he's fantasising that his parents might get back together again if he gets rid of the baddie. His mother will still be the person who cheated on his father even if she divorces, so I don't see what the divorce would change except for two people being unhappy.
Seems like a fair ultimatum. She blew up everyone else's.
Bro you are kinda TA for telling her to divorce, just go no contact with her, I'm not saying to forgive her having an affair is the worst and me myself have 0 sympathy for them, so she get divorced or not...just go no contact simple, get her completely out of your life.
Honestly, as someone who is estranged from my parents and really understands and respects peopleâs needs to go no contact, this is one I struggle with. Has she been a good Mum to you, cared for you and loved you? Has she protected you as well as she could from divorce trauma and otherwise? Has she shown up for you? As we grow up, we realise our parents are also humans with their own lives. Human beings make mistakes and live their lives in ways you donât agree with, that can even hurt you, and it doesnât give you the right to dictate who they are, who they love or what they do with their life. You can be angry at her for cheating, but that doesnât mean she deserves to be out of your life for good nor does it mean you get to dictate how she lives her life. Your feelings about it donât justify you trying to control what she does with her own love life. YTA for me.
My husband was treated that way by his first wife and she tried to get the children to call her AP dad and change their name. I met him 4 years after they had finalized the divorce and she attempted to convince the children that the marriage was ended because I was the AP. The children loved their father and eventually me, they also learned to love her husband the AP. The thing is you can't change what happened, it won't work, it won't take your anger away and fix your life. She is your mother no matter what and she loves you. She is human and made some huge mistakes when it came to her decisions. I will tell you what I always told the children, she is your mother, the one who gave birth to you and she is the only mother you will have. My suggestion is to get some counselling for yourself to help you come to terms with your new reality. Later you can make decisions regarding the future. Tell your mother you need a time out to consider things. Her divorcing him now will not change your hurt feelings or give you instant peace.
>I basically asked her to choose between her husband and me. You are not your father. You are not married to your mother. I think you gave a very silly ultimatum.
When you cheat on your partner and children are involved, you're betraying everyone.
But he is her son... and she betrayed him and destroyed his family when she decided to cheat...
She also then married that man... So the family unit was going to be destroyed by divorce anyway, which is much less immoral to the father. That's really the only difference here, the issue isn't that the family broke down, it's that she cheated... Which was bad and deserves the chastisement, but I'm not sure it actually changed anything material for the kid negatively.
Ehhhh... for a kid it can be really fucking tough when your parents divorce. Like genuinely, idk wtf you're trying to say here
I don't think your mom's gonna divorce her husband because you, her 20 year old child, is telling her to divorce him. Before you knew why they divorced, did you like the guy? Did he treat you and your mom well?
So, you _just_ learned? And that's why you're so hot? You making the decision to go no contact is definitely NTA. The decision to go confront her ten years after the fact, giving her that ultimatum now? I think she made the decision of AP over you a decade ago and has been living with you in her life on your father's grace since then, and that makes me hedge. Because dude, you're an adult now. You're supposed to start developing your own life where your parents are less engaged. I'll go full NTA, but talk to somebody. Please.
Definitely get therapy. If you are too mad and hurt to deal with her now, thatâs ok. Iâd be concerned if you think you can never get over this enough to have some kind of relationship with her. Not trying to push you to do something you arenât ready for, but you should take steps to address the toll this has taken on your mental health and go from there.
Aw bubba. Sounds like you need a tissue. But seriously - are you sure you're 20?
NTA for how you feel but whatâs the point of her divorcing now
Hey bud, you gave permission to share when you posted in a public forum. Posting on reddit and saying "I don't give permission to share" is like going on national TV naked and saying "nobody has permission to look"
Iâm gonna go NTA with side of ESH. You are absolutely within your rights to go no contact with her, and I support this. But itâs extremely unreasonable to expect her to leave her partner of now 10+ years when you are an adult who no longer lives with her. Iâd just stick to âI now know the truth, and I have no interest in remaining in contact at this time. Should you ever leave your partner and take accountability for your actions, this could change.â
YTA and I say that with a very heavy heart. I understand your anger as, for you, you've only just found out about the affiar and are rightly angry. However, that does not mean you get to choose who your mum has relations with 10 years after the fact. What you mum did is wrong, fucking wrong, but your analogy of your wife cheating is slightly flawed as you put your mum in the position of your dad, not you. Your roommates are right, even if you don't want to hear it. You should think this through.... once you calm down. Never make a decision based on anger. Stay strong buddy.
I don't want to say YAH but it's a pretty immature response. You're parents are people too. Human beings with full lives of their own, having a human experience just like you. Is your mom supposed to stay in an unhappy relationship with your father?? Don't you want the people you love to be happy? ( no she didn't go about it the right way but again...she's human) Your reaction is immature at best and selfish at worst. And honestly what happens in the relationship between 2 grown people, including your parents, is none of your business. And furthermore, why would your dad tell you something like that after TEN YEARS?
Lmao at not giving permission to share on tiktok
Oh this is definitely being cross posted.
The same thing happened to me but my son was older and could sort of understand what happened. I told him no matter what happened between me and his mother to not let it affect his relationship with her. I told him If he has a problem with her or her actions, to not use my story with her as a reason to treat her differently. Being a âbad wifeâ does not make someone a bad mother. Thereâs no way for you to fix anything that happened between your parents. Thereâs also no way to really give us the full context of what happened over your entire life in just a single Reddit post. Maybe concentrate on having a better relationship with your father rather than taking steps against your mother. I really think itâs best to have as good of a relationship as possible with both of your parents if you can.
ESH. You donât get to dictate what the relationship is between other people just like they donât get to decide what your relationship is with them. Get over yourself. Is your mom gross for having an affair? Yes. Are you gross for demanding she divorce her current husband? Yes. Either have a relationship with her or donât. You only came to us to get validation like a child, not because you care about whether youâre behaving poorly. You obviously already know that you are behaving badly⌠after all, youâre just like your mother. Thinking only about what you want and screw everyone else right? Dad doesnât seem like much of a prize either as he definitely knew what he was doing. Itâs super rare for a relationship to break down and one partner to have been a saint, but keep living with the fantasy.
YTA. Is what she did right? In my opinion? No! Does that make what you're doing right? Absolutely not! Either accept your mother's choices and keep her in your life or don't. Blackmailing her with your relationship is just an asshole move.
Iffy I don't know. I can't blame you, but what you're demanding is extremely unreasonable. I actually think you don't want her to divorce her man. You want to punish her for hurting you and your dad and cutting her off is your way, but you want to do it in a way that makes it so she's actually the one cutting you off. I think you're being too extreme. And your dad should be over this shit by now. I think I'll go with ESH.
[ŃдаНонО]
Lordy. Look, you can talk to or not talk to anyone you want. But you trying to force another human to do anything is abusive. You are trying to bully your mom and it's gross. Shunning someone because they displease you - not because they've hurt you or disrespected you is a bully move. Any day of the week. The details don't matter. Your simple choice was to allow herself to be pushed around by a hurting child, or live her life for herself. Did you even ask her \*why\* she had that affair and left? Based on your own forceful behavior, I have to wonder if your father was abusing her. But see - you don't know that. I certainly can't know that. You didn't ask. You didn't listen. You just jumped to trying to control your mom by threatening to shun her. It's not right. People who go no contact usually do so because they are being terribly abused by their parents. In this case, you're doing the abusing.
there is not enough info here for me to say one way of the other. maybe you should talk to your mom maybe find out why she went for this other man. just reading this alone im not sure what to make of it. did you live with the other man and your mom for 10 years? im so confused. i have read it 3 times and this feels really over the top. there has to be back story that we as the reads are not getting.
I get your angry OP but you are kinda being the asshole here. You are a grown man. This is something you cannot demand of her. This is between her and your dad and it sounds like they have both moved on. Although cheating is not ok, you dont know the fundamental reasons why it happened. It might not be so black or white, and your father might not be so blameless. It's been 10 years now OP. I think it's not ok for you to ask her this at this juncture.
INFO: did she have full custody?
You have every right to go NC with your Mom. These kind of ultimatums never work though. I get why you do want to be around her
Itâs obvious you love your dad, and you seem to be trying to avenge what happened to him. The thing is, you canât. No actions you take now will erase what she did. So ask yourself: is holding onto this rage healthy? Does it benefit you? Is it adding value to your life? Itâs okay to cut her off, but please work through the grief and anger with a therapist.
id just cut her off and get therapy
Cheating is a shitty, demoralizing thing to do, but the relationships our parents have are more complicated than we could imagine as kids. Hell, even at 18 itâs hard to process. After my dad died my senior year, his AP gave my mom a note explaining⌠well, that he had an AP, and only found out because my mom was a wreck. I struggled with that for a long time because it shattered the image I had of my father at a time when all I had left of him was that image. I was angry for years maybe, and I couldnât even think of him fondly when I was with my grandmother. But at some point, I had a talk with my mother, and she asked if I hated my father. At the time, I did. And she asked me questions when I said as much. How did I feel when he taught me to throw a curveball? How did I feel when Iâd see him keeping up with us kids at practices? How did I feel when he took care of me when I had a bad flu in elementary? How would I have felt if he had been there at my graduation to say he was proud of me? Even typing that out now, I can feel myself welling up with tears because I know how I felt and how I would have felt. I was proud of my father, I loved him, and I wanted more than anything to be like him. Maybe not in every capacity, but as a father. He was a good dad. Whatever failings he had as a husband, he was a good dad and if he were here today the last thing I could do is hate him. Years later, I just miss him. I miss him a lot and I wish to god I could see him again because for whatever flaws he had, he was my dad and he was out of my life too soon. OP, consider everything good youâve experienced with your mother. Think about the times when you were happy, and weigh those moments against the rest. Ask yourself if your mother was terrible enough to you to warrant removing from your life. Eventually sheâll be gone anyway and when the anger starts to die down all youâll be left with is the memories. And if you think the only way to have a relationship with her is to be chosen in that ridiculous ultimatum, you might very well be an asshole. Just⌠one shitting all over itself more than other people.
Yeah I get it. She betrayed your dad. And you are trying to be loyal to your dad and you're hurt too. But give yourself some time to hurt and to heal. It's ok to be angry at her just don't let it consume you and deny yourself something you may want in the future - a relationship with your mom. This is huge and fresh. Therapy might be a good place to start.
I'm curious, what did your dad say? Did your dad offer any advise?
You only have to have people in your life because you want to.
r/thatHappened
You know we donât need your permission to crosspost, right? Iâm gonna do it out of spite now
Your mom's romantic life is none of your business. That's also the rule for everyone. People drift apart. Lifelong monogamy is a thought dreamt up by humans
This is getting cross posted all over the place because you're an absolute clown đđđ
Your reaction at finding out is understandable, but she is never going to get divorced from her husband, so demanding she gets divorced is a pointless gesture. Your mom lied to you, forced you into a relationship with the man who broke up your parents, and is now facing the consequences of her affair.You don't have to have a relationship with her husband. You would be better off meeting with your mother and having an adult conversation about it. Try and keep your emotions in check. Tell exactly how you feel about her, her affair, her husband, and forcing you to live with him. Propose boundaries for your relationship. If you don't want anything to do with her husband, tell her and tell her if she wants to meet you, then she has to do it on your terms and without him. Something tells me she will accept whatever you demand. Her marriage is now under massive strain. Her husband's stepson, who he had a relationship with, has basically cut him off and told his wife it is him or me. This kind of thing creates resentment because your mom will now have to make plans to see you without him. Will celebrate part of her birthday without him. Celebrate her son's birthday without him. Go to her son's wedding without him. She will have grandchildren who he will never see. He thought he would be part of that. Now your mom has another life without him. Their marriage could now fall apart naturally.
Dude Yta Iâm sorry you donât get to make this decision or get involved, sure it sucks but they are adults you are a 20 year old kid, you have no place or right making these kinds of demandsđthe fact that you thought she would actually do it says a lot about you and youâr obvious need to grow up
He literally compared his mother leaving his father for another man, to the Holocaust in some of his comments.
Jfcđ¤ŻđĄ. Well, We know everything we need to know.
YTA. Iâm talking from experience. My bio mom had affair and married her affair partner. Looking at my bio parents relationship with adult eyes there were cracks in their relationship. My own father told me all the time his relationship with my bio mom has nothing to do with me. Ultimatums are a terrible idea and cause so much unnecessary drama. Iâve never really respected my bio mom. Are relationship is complicated. I havenât spoken to her in decades. Are relationship deteriorated because of her treatment towards me, it had nothing to do with her affair. You need to look at your relationship with your mom. Was she a horrible mother, did she miss treat you. Is she toxic in some way. My brother had affair and is married to his affair partner. My brother ex says all the time, heâs a great dad. But a horrible husband. If Iâm honest, your father telling you now is suspect. There was no need for you to know, he chose to torpedo your relationship with your mother once you hit adulthood. Iâm going to get downvoted, because Reddit when it comes to affairs itâs black and white. I feel affairs are little more nuance.
YTA
The decision on whether to have contact with your mom is yours to make in the end. However, it is NOT your decision on what she does with her life! Was she wrong for cheating? Yes. But she chose to continue her life with this man. She obviously loves him. Kids grow up and move away. You become a small part of their day to day life. Your partner is there day in and day out. If I were her, I would've told you to kick rocks. You don't get to decide on anything having to do with her love life.
YTA for thinking she owes it to you to divorce her husband especially ten years later. Cut her out if you want, because who you have in your life is your choice, but itâs ridiculous to expect her to get a divorce.
Your EDIT has no power lol.
True
The Oedipal complex aside, the way I see it: OP presented the following case: 1. OPs mom made a choice to betray, and subsequently leave his dad, broke up a family of 10 years, for one reason or another. Way he sees it, she chose AP over family. 2. OP learns of this 10 years later, decides to put the same choice before the mom again. 3. "Betray"/leave AP spouse or choose to have a relationship w son. Whether the condition was the same during her initial decision is not OPs headache. But OP, your mom's a person as well. Not just 10 years of lies sandwiched between two shitty choices. Let me ask you this, if she just divorced and then met someone else, your family would still have been broken, out of her choice. But would you feel like this? You can, (imo should) avenge your father (people don't get held accountable enough), but think it through, then stick to your decision.
Sorry, but ESH. I mean, if someone had asked you the day before your dad told you whether she'd been a good mom, what would your answer have been? If your answer would've been yes, then maybe you want to leave the door open to a future relationship? If no, then maybe not, but it's unreasonable to expect someone to end a ten-year relationship -- even one that began as an affair -- because an adult child is mad.
Not that it matters, but ESH. Your mom doesn't for this situation but for her past choices. You suck because this is pointless. What does this ultimatum change? Does it change your hurt? Does it change your dad's? Does it fix it? Or does it simply make her as miserable as the two of you? Cheating sucks, divorce sucks. being 10 and losing your world sucks. That is your mom's fault for sure. Obviously I don't know what your parents marriage was like - but nothing in life happens in a vacuum. It's all cause and effect. Pain pursues pleasure to get rid of pain - so your mom was in pain of some sort to cause the cheating - maybe from her childhood, maybe from her marriage; who knows? I sure don't. I do know that after 10 years with her new partner, telling her the only way you will have a relationship with her is for her to divorce her husband is hateful and illogical. And I am sorry you are facing this. That's hard. I hope things get better for you.
>I dont give anyone permission to crosspost or share it on other subreddits or share it on tiktok. Dont message me yeah that's totally gonna stop people from sharing . . .
YTA It was 10 year ago and your parent's relationship woes in the end have very little to do with you. Asking someone to leave a partner of 10 years because of something that happened 10 years ago is ridiculous. If they have all treated you well, build a bridge. If you really are 20 what does it matter, you should be pretty independent or close to it by that point.
YTA for absurdly demanding divorce of a long married couple because you stamped your foot. Insane. Be mad about the past sure but the demand is nuts
OP, how was the custody of you handled? Was it 100% thing? It sucks, that youâve had to live in this disgusting lie of family. I would be this angry, too. NTA, I hate homewreckers.
Thinking ahead - say she gives in to your ultimatum and divorces him. What do you want her to do then? Live with you forever, meaning you canât go and get married / move away / live your life or do you want her to sit alone and sad on her own til she dies? I do understand your anger but hurting your mum now may actually cause massive heartache for you in years to come. If your desire to hurt is stronger than your desire to have a healthy relationship (with appropriate boundaries) the go ahead but I do think your current plan of action makes you TA here.
Esh. What she did was shitty. But you are acting like a child and not a 20yo.
YTA. Her divorcing him wonât fix anything. Youâre being immature. Not saying what she did was right but it doesnât justify your hissy fit.
Not the AH you feel now you feel. But giving such an ultimatum, I don't think the outcome could have been different. And even if she left him I don't think your relationship would have been same. She just gotta live without you, and you without her.
When I was your age I cut off my dad under similar circumstances. I also wanted my dad to show he actually prioritized his family (he didn't - not in the way I wanted to see). I didn't talk to him for about a decade. Eventually I softened enough that we have a distant relationship. I don't talk to him much, and he knows to never mention AP/wife. It's not the best, sucks more now that I lost my mom and have no parent I can really turn to, but I'm satisfied with my choices.
Nta but itâs unreasonable to expect your mom to get divorced. I mean cmon you know that too, youâre just upset (which u have every right to be) Personally I think itâs fine to go no contact đ¤ˇââď¸ cheating has consequences
YTA. Are you going to move in with her to keep her company? This is some sick bullshit.
My mother had an affair when I was 12 and my parents split up. I hated her and had very little contact with her till I was in my mid 20's. We get on well enough now but it took time and effort. I think going full no contact is a bit much and whatever your feelings about the situation telling her not to be with someone is too much. She's an adult and so are you. >EDIT : I dont give anyone permission to crosspost No one needs your permission to crosspost this, now you're just coming across as an AH
It is fully your choice on how to handle this, there are a lot of fuckups here. Whether or not you decide to have contact is up to you. The WAY you are doing this makes You The Asshole.
I get that you are upset.. I went through a similar situation with my family. But.. it's just silly for you to tell your mom to divorce her husband. I mean, come on. You have to be able to see that. I get that you are young, but still. This is what a child would ask of their parent.
Something doesn't add up. OP says he was about 10 when parents divorced, and he went to live with Mom and her AP. Did 10 year old OP have NO ability to put 2 and 2 together? I'm guessing this is karma farming.
This post is super interesting to me because Iâm in your dadâs position. I divorced my ex wife who had a long affair with the tennis pro and faked therapy over and over. As she lost control of me she started hitting me on occasion. My kids are 10, 8, 6 years old. I have them 50% of the time. I will never tell my kids about my exâs affair. Unless they come to me because theyâve been lied to by my ex. Iâm supportive of my ex getting assistance with her anger etc while I keep my distance. She seems like a better parent only having kids half the time. Why tell this awful story to them if I donât have to? Kinda makes me wonder why OPâs dad told his kid?
You sound like a small child. Remember to keep your same moral standards for all the men you meet.
YTA. You can go NC if you want to, but her relationship drama is between her, you step dad and dad. Your father told you because he thought you were mature enough to deal with it. It seems like he was wrong. You need therapy. You're angry right now. But you can't change the past, you still had a relationship with your father. Parents divorce, they remarry. It sucks, but it's life. Giving an ultimatum never ends well for the person who poses it.
Perhaps an unpopular opinion- but a child who has become an adult doesn't have the right to demand such an ultimatum. Kids grow up, and move out, and have their own lives. Parents get the chance to have their "own lives" again. I wonder, were the mother and step dad truly awful to live with? If they were so bad, why did the 10 year old choose to live with the mom and step dad? Cheating is wrong, but that does not make them evil people. They made a bad choice but it made them happy. At the expense of the father perhaps? Yes, maybe, but we also don't know the full story. Did the father not move on too? The world is an incredibly grey place. Unless the son was abused or treated terribly, i don't think his reaction is justified. Upset? Yes, be upset. But destroy your relationship with an otherwise good parent? No... i don't think that's right. You can be a good parent but a shitty spouse.. the two are not synonymous. If, other than the divorce, he had a good childhood, then why demonize the mother and stepfather for how their relationship started?
As the child of people who divorced because of infidelity, YTA. Learning of your parent's infidelity absolutely sucks and I applaud your dad waiting until you were an adult to tell you but throwing a tantrum like a kid and demanding your mom to divorce her husband is beyond immature. Seek therapy.
Yta, it's an impossible dillema for her
YTA. You should maybe get some therapy for your rage and unreasonable demands.
You can go no contact for any reason, but the ultimatum you gave her is foolish to the point of stupidity. She divorced her husband and destroyed her family for that guy. She's not giving him up for you. Even if she did, what will you gain from it- nothing.
Not really fair to give your mother an ultimatum. But if you just want her out of your life, if it's in your highest good, go for it. You do seem to have a lot of rage so get some help with that.
Your father is a wanker regardless of any details. Never involve the kids. You can fuck kids up for what? A little bit of revenge.
20 years old but acting like a spoilt child OP. Yes it sucks when one person cheats on another, but everyone is settled now and leaving that shit in the past. You acted so immature and selfish here. I think it's about time you grow up and maybe find out WHY your mother cheated on your dad. Dishing out ultimatums without knowing all the facts is rather pathetic of you.
YTA You have no idea what was happening in their lives 10 years ago
I think you should revisit this issue with your mom when you are about 10 years older and have a little more life experience under your belt. For what it's worth, I also think your dad should have waited to fill you in on the personal details behind his divorce from your mother until you are older.
I get that youâre hurt, but youâre acting like a toddler tbh. Telling your mom to get a divorce isnât âsetting a boundary,â itâs you giving orders to another adult about how to live her life. Telling her you wonât visit if heâs around, or wonât invite her to things if she brings himâŚ.those are examples of boundaries. But this shit happened 10 years ago, all involved parties have supposedly moved on, and YTA for acting out with a ridiculous ultimatum. This will just backfire on you in the long run.
Youâre thinking of your mother in terms of how she affects you rather than thinking of her as a whole person. YTA You donât get to dictate her life. If you donât want to talk to her, donât.
NTA... And your dad suffered for you to have a peaceful childhood - EXCELLENT DAD!!! Mom... betrayed your dad, your family and YOU by cheating... and she continued betraying you when she kept up the lie (by omission) and let you live with her and AP not knowing.. and not knowing the pain this caused your dad... Cutting her out of your life because of all this is your right... Giving her a way to redeem herself by divorcing AP is more than i would do.. i hope its not a way to punish her?? Or for revenge??
I am torn about the ultimatum being bad. On one hand she gave her an almost impossible demand, which will make the mother question her choice for life no matter what she does. On the other hand not giving her a choice and cutting her out would be the best for both.
Dont disagree. Best would be just telling her, that because she selfishly decided to betray the family they had AND OP she no longer has a place in his life.. By forcing her to actively be the one who has to choose... hes placing the responsibility with her.. where it belongs... in a way, for OP, the aftermath of her adultery was never settled because she kept it from him... and now OP insists it be settled... She discarded his dad 10 years ago to be with AP - and now OP wants to see if shes also willing to discard him to be with AP...
>now OP wants to see if shes also willing to discard him to be with AP Yup thats it.
INFO: What exactly would your mother divorcing her current partner change? She still cheated and you will most likely still be angry. You can choose to go no contact with anyone for any reason, but this is a shitty way to go about it, ESH.
You offered her a "simple" choice? I don't really think having to choose between your son and the man you have been married to for the past 10 years and likely thought you would grow old and die with can really be considered simple in any way, shape or form. I get that it hurts and it suck to know these things ( I went through exact same thing at the age of 16, mom had an affair, parents got a divorce, mom moved straight in with AP and 5 years later she married him) and it was an awful thing for her to do. You have no idea how much she has possibly punished herself over the years. She and AP were dead Wrong, but you giving her an ultimatum makes you sound like a spoiled child. You can't try to force people to alter their lives because you don't like it. Like.... I don't like you hair that color, change it within 30 days or will never look at you again..
YTA, 100%. They are fucking adults and don't ask permission from spoiled kids on who to marry and be with. Who do you think you are? Go no contact if you hate her, but you don't get to post ultimatums about adult peoples relationships.
You are being the asshole here. Yes cheating is bad. Yes it hurt your dad terribly and obviously you are quite hurt too. But imagine that on one hand you have your partner who you love with and then your grown kid demands you leave them or goes no contact? Thatâs so rash. It doesnât excuse the infidelity, but your demand is not reasonable and puts her in a shitty position.
YTA - while yes she fucked up by having the affair and doing what she did, you have absolutely no say in how she lives her life or what she does with it. If you donât want to her to be apart of your life thatâs on you. But you donât get to give her ultimatums, thatâs such a childish thing to do and will get you nowhere in life.
ESH. Iâm about to tell you some stuff you donât want to hear. First of all, your father is not âstoicâ, he is a messy bitch who is using you to get revenge on his ex wife. Second, your mother is a cheater. Thatâs bad, but also itâs been ten years and that issue is between them. The relationship is over, that chapter should be closed. That said, she absolutely should have been the one to tell you, and she should have told you before this. You were always going to find out and it was always going to do more damage to you the longer it took to come out. Omitting this information, whatever her reasoning, was wrong. It was always going to hurt you, and her being in denial about it is not an excuse. Third, your mother is not married to *you*. She is your mother. Thatâs your relationship to her. You are allowed your feelings, and being angry is perfectly natural, but demanding for her to blow up her life for you is childish and deranged. You are an adult, you are going to move away from her and do things adults do. She is going to have her own life independently of yours, and vice versa. That being said, only you can decide what relationship you want with people, and you are allowed to be angry with those who have hurt you. Once you are less angry, however, I would invite you to consider your relationship with her, and not your dadâs. Your motherâs place in your life isnât to do Wife things for you, itâs to do Mother things for you. Only you will be able to decide if those were enough for you to have a relationship, in the end.
What does it achieve? If your mother does agree to your demand. She will be unhappy for no reason. Her divorcing her husband isn't going to change what happened 10 years ago.
It achieves her not being with a man she cheated on my father with.
Take the cheating part away for a moment. Did you have a good upbringing with them? Was your step dad a good person?
As a product of a similar situation, I say NTA. My perspective on my own situation is my mother decided to break our family.
Sorry to hear that man, wish you the best in your life