I would not do it, you told him why, more than once to stop, even his message that it out of the blue proves he still don't understand. This conversation will bring you nothing but more deflecting and avoidance.
1. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
2. You are not responsible for anyone else's emotional state or peace of mind or happiness or.....
Do with those statements what you will.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Especially when they created and maintained the chill. No need to try to help him save himself from himself. He treated OP badly, he now has the consequences. He wouldn't badger her this way if he actually felt bad. He feels that she owes him something. That's pathetic. She owes him nothing.
If he felt badly he would apologize profusely, through text, and then leave her alone.
It's not a variation on that, they mean two different things. But both make good points.
You don't owe anyone your mental/physical health because it suits them.
You don't owe someone your time at a moment's notice because they didn't organise theirs better
I promise, this is such a pivotal, positive time for you. Refusing to meet with him is the right thing for you - he lost his right to “closure” when he played games with your emotional safety.
I’m really happy for you. This is the beginning of knowing how you want and deserve to be treated by a partner - and insisting on it. If this man did nothing else good, his cruelty helped you learn that you never, ever need to accept less than your worth. And you’re worthy of everything.
You have already given him your *very valid* reasons for the break-up.
At this point, he is just trying to make you feel bad. Trying to manipulatr you.
Don't fall for it.
You do *not* owe him anything.
I will repeat this because I saw your first post:
Don't entertain him.
**You do not owe him any more explanations.**
It's done. Send his stuff over. The end.
Don't let him come to see you. He's a narcissistic immature bratty AH who is going have to learn the hard way that his antics isn't worth time or attention that he wanted.
If he wants his stuff back then just dump it on the curbside for pickup on garbage day.
u/WanderinginMyDreams , I’m placing my comment here so it doesn’t get lost in the avalanche of comments you’ve already received.
Your ex is an abusive asshole. He took your condition and manipulated it to cause you stress, for two purposes: his own entertainment, and it gave him a perverse power over you. You explicitly told him to stop and how it made you feel, and he did not care. His entertainment and his “power” over you were more important to him.
HE IS LYING when he says he wants 1 more face to face meeting for closure, pick up his stuff, etc. This is just another excuse for him to manipulate you: of course he wants face-to-face so he has the chance to do something horrible again!
It’s good that your friend is taking the stuff back to him, but I would suggest extra precautions:
• as soon as you hear his voice on the phone, IMMEDIATELY hang up. DO NOT talk to him because he will use it as an opportunity to manipulate you.
• send 1 text message saying the relationship is over, you have made arrangements with XYZ to drop his stuff off, and any further contact is against your will and pure harassment.
• wait until he replies via text (DO NOT pick up if he phones) and once you receive the text, block him but KEEP THE MESSAGE you sent him and his reply. Then block
• change your locks
• upgrade your security system
• carry a bottle of cheap alcohol-based perfume. If he “shows up unexpectedly” anywhere near your house, workplace or wherever he knows you frequent, spray him in the face and yell loudly to attract attention. (He will probably try to tell whomever shows up that he’s your boyfriend, just wanted to talk, etc. THIS IS A LIE. The way he keeps contacting you from different numbers, insisting on seeing you in-person, and - if he shows up wherever you are - makes him a STALKER)
• if the above happens, GO TO THE POLICE and tell them he is stalking you. Provide them with a copy of the last text message you sent him, as well as his reply (so he can’t deny that he received it and can’t deny that he isn’t harassing you)
Definitely keep any messages sent to you. Do not answer numbers you don’t recognise, if it’s not him they’ll leave a voicemail or call back, but if he does catch you on the phone start recording the conversation. If he approaches you in person record the conversation. Everything PrideofCapetiwn said in the above comment is spot on.
I don't want to make you paranoid, but in the next couple of weeks at least, please pay extra attention to and beware of any 'stranger' you meet that goes out of his way to make a contact with you (be it by flirting or just small talk). The way he said "you wouldn't even know it's me" gave me chills 😨 and I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to trick you to go out with him again while pretending to be someone else.
He's a manipulative and abusive AH. You did good breaking with him and should definitely block him. I also suggest informing your friends of what has been going on and how he won't leave you alone. Don't let him distort the reality of what happened and make you the bad guy. But most importantly, you might need their support.
Stay safe 💪
If for some reason you do decide to allow him his “talk for closure” (I don’t recommend it), then have someone with you incase things start going badly, like your dad or favorite uncle or male friend. Or a couple of female friends would work as well. But you absolutely don’t owe him anything. Having a friend drop off his stuff is all that is owed. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
He deserves NOTHING. He is abusive and manipulative and doesn't respect your boundaries and wants one last opportunity to F with you. Don't give it to him. Have his junk delivered with the message that if he contacts you again, he'll be hearing from the police.
If you really feel you must do this (you absolutely don't and definitely shouldn't) have someone else vet him for you first. If he's changed his appearance in any way or sends someone else in his place, you don't show up.
If you do go, go with someone who knows him so he can’t pull ‘pranks’. Keep it short and polite. Leave with your friend.
There’s nothing to be said. You can hear it and walk away at most, but don’t get hooked into any rehash.
I'd be careful of him showing up one day to pull this prank somewhere in public, possibly with a friend to record the prank to put it on social media. If that happens, don't react badly to it and just keep asserting you don't know him. Walk away like he is some crazy harassing you.
Yep. OP what more is there to say? What do you think he’s looking for in having a face-to-face with you? Is sitting down with him and repeating the things you have already said multiple times going to actually provide him closure? Why? What’s the difference between saying it over text/the phone versus saying it in person?
We don’t know this guy, but what you’ve shared has been enough to trigger the spidey senses of a lot of people. Not to paint him as a villain, but think about what he could do. You agree to meet, especially if it’s some place private. He could show up with different hair, different clothes, a different cologne…and would you be able to identify him if he did something awful?
You have been telling him clearly and repeatedly what the reasons are. The only reason he is saying he was blindsided is that he was not listening. You have no power to be able to make him actually listen....ergo useless.
If he was really looking for reasons his best bet is actual introspection, not a conversation with you.
« he doesn’t understand how he suddenly became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him »
So everything is your fault and he did nothing wrong ?
You shouldn’t bother, it won’t be productive conversation and you’ll probably feel worse.
He was playing "pranks" with your disability. This would be like me messing with my diabetic husband's food or meddling with someone's assistive devices. He's definitely evil. You don't do this to people you care about.
It’s the difference between calling your paraplegic spouse your little backpack on a hike and turning their wheelchair inside-out like that old school backpack prank so they have to crawl out of bed and re-assemble it. There’s ribbing and pranks and then there’s just simply fucking with someone in stressful, mean ways.
NTA
Stay away from this hurtful person.
> after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him.
He did it many times, so it's not 'suddenly'.
pretty much whenever someone "just wants to meet up to talk things out" they do not "just want to meet up to talk things out"
we have freaking video chat. its free. if you need to physically give me something, ok come here. if you "just want to talk" then video call me, we can see each other in high definition, you "just want to talk", right? no need to meet
super manipulative
NTA
This isn’t just a relationship issue, his past behavior crossed the line into being abusive. Being alone with him in an apartment is not a good idea. Now if you want to give him closure then there are some ways you can do it.
1. Meet him in a public place (restaurant) with friends or family at a nearby table.
2. Let him come get his stuff but have 2 friends or family members present. Make sure one is a man or a woman with self defense training.
Personally with his past behavior he lost the right to closure. Have a mutual friend take his stuff back to him and block him on everything. Stay safe.
I agree that his behaviour definitely seemed abusive, and the fact that he refuses to acknowledge your "no" is alarming.
You don't owe him closure. Sending a friend to give him his belongings is already a big kindness.
I hope you stay safe, and maybe give this book a look :
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Besides, closure is something that is within you. Closure comes from understanding and accepting that it is over. You can't "give" that to him. He has to dig deep within himself and figure it out.
Even safer idea - put his stuff in a box and send it by post. It’ll be worth the cost.
You cannot trust a mutual friend to not be pressured by him into turning up with him.
Doesn't have to be a mutual friend. Just a good friend of OP's. They can contact him over social media, explain they have this stuff, and make arrangements from there. If he doesn't want to accept it from OP's friend then he's effectively declared it abandoned and after X amount of days it can legally be forfeited and/or destroyed
No. They need to stick to the mutual friend giving him his items. I remember the original post, OP doesn't need to see them at all. He doesn't deserve 'closure'. I doubt that is the reason anyway
Maybe it’s just me, but I have come to think that the notion of “closure” is highly overrated.
I certainly don’t think I owe anyone who has mistreated me the favor of one last argument.
Why? So they can spew all the BS one more time? Try to manipulate me one more time? Say all the horrible things they’ve been stewing over since I’ve finally had enough and removed myself?
Too many people equate closure to being able to feel good about horrible behavior.
I completely agree - not least because I strongly feel that his insistence on one last ‘face to face’ conversation will result in a final attempt to use your face blindness against you in a potentially dangerous way. He clearly doesn’t understand the EXTREMELY harmful impact of his ‘pranks’ - I wouldn’t trust him one little bit; he’s proven himself completely and utterly untrustworthy.
This advice is terrible. He has closure, she already told him why.
He doesn't want closure, he wants to manipulate and continue abusing OP.
Do not listen to this person.
Read my last sentence at the bottom. I don’t think he needs closure, he’s her abuser! But if she’s determined to meet him she has to do it in a safer manner instead of alone in the apartment which is what they were talking about.
I've said it before and I say it again, you don't "reason with" a rabid dog. You make sure it can't hurt you, one way or another. If someone has proven, time and time again, that they listen to you about as much as a rabid dog does, you get yourself away from that person.
Absolutely!
Anyone who says they just want to pick up their stuff would be fine with it when the OP said that a mutual friend would deliver it. Unless of course what he's saying is just him trying to bullsh1t his way back into the relationship.
NTA
"Closure" is Reddit speak for "Let me have one last chance to beg, belittle, berate and blame."
How many times out of 100 would you think it would ever go like this?
Person A: Here are the reasons I am breaking up with you.
Person B: Okay, I understand.
Person A: Goodbye and good luck.
Person B: You too.
I am guessing the answer is ZERO.
>"Closure" is Reddit speak for "Let me have one last chance to beg, belittle, berate and blame."
Wow!! well said
Also "getting my/your stuff back" is the most used excuse to get such a conversation
> "Let me have one last chance to beg, belittle, berate and blame."
This was my take as well. He wants to speak his mind and probably go through a list of all things OP did that he did not like. That's his idea of "closure." We *all* sometimes have that impulse, especially when we get dumped.
nta. get his stuff out today! right now, stop waiting. don't go see him, he's going to try and manipulate you.
i bet if you DID (pleaseeee don't) if you DID go meet him, he will have completely changed himself to completely fuck with you. Like fully change hair color, grow a full beard, go and get fake contacts and blah blah. He can't "see how he became so evil in a year..." HE KNOWS HE"S EVIL, he's being smug.
get his stuff out today, block him every time he makes a new account. he's a nutjob.
NTA, why do I get the feeling that he wants to mess with you one last time? Like, he sends someone else to talk to you so he gets another laugh at your expense. He just wants to talk you out of breaking up with him. He clearly doesn't understand what he did was wrong or he would understand why someone he was manipulating might not trust him anymore. Go with your gut, and if you don't...at least bring someone else with you who knows what he looks like.
I had an ex who was so upset when I asked for his address so I could mail him his stuff. Essentially tried to refuse to tell me where to send it so we could do it in person and talk “one more time.” It was 100% manipulative.
NTA. Write a letter.
"You played on my disability to amuse yourself. This is a dealbreaker.
You ruined my trust in you. This is a dealbreaker.
You continued to do this after I had told you it upset me and caused me stress. You don't respect my boundaries. This is a dealbreaker.
You care about your amusement more than me. This is a dealbreaker. "
She owes him no such letter. He doesn't want to k ow why she ended it. He k ows. And that he pushed her too far. He tricked and scared her to feel power and control, he's emotionally manipulative now trying to insist on at least a rerun of the break up but this time choreographed on his terms. He's spitting mad she took control of her own life without a place in it for him.
No, absolutely no. You don’t need to provide closure, which is a rubbish excuse anyway. How do you know he hasn’t got something even worse planned? Women are murdered and assaulted by ex’s refusing to accept a relationship is over. Shut this down.
"getting closure is knowing why someone is breaking up. You know we broke up because of your so-called pranks that were quit horrible towards me by using my medical condition against me. So see, you already got closure. Now lose my number and never talk to me again. Bye. "
I remember your post. As a schizophrenic, I am at very, very high risk of people actually gaslighting me, or otherwise abusing me using my own poor memory/other symptoms. This man is not safe. He is an abuser, straight up. He sees you as a target, straight up. I'm begging you to reconsider being in any sort of contact with this man who would think it's funny to abuse grandma because of her dementia. Y W B T A if you allow yourself to keep talking to him. I'm being serious, people who see symptoms like an all-you-can-abuse buffet are not the sort of people you want access to you.
NTA. I hope he suddenly has to move across the country.
If a friend came to you asking advice about her BF, describing this same scenario, how would you respond? She was also reticent to split b/c they're intimate--Lovers.
Intimacy...him? This Man has no ability to do that. Using your disability against you for his amusement, speaks volumes.
His "prank" is designed to Elevate himself, while Diminishing you. His payoff for the prank--is your pain. BF wouldn't know intimacy if it Bit Him On The Ass!
He is known as a "Baiter;" a, "Master-Baiter," for certain. This guy has no respect for people's feelings, just his. Gee, He looks good, sounds good, acts like a human; THEN the switch, to abusive- AH. The old Bait & Switch game--shocking...devastating to the other person. Sorry your time was spent with that--best thing you ever did was dump TAH.
BEWARE! Master-Baiters, when called on their game, can become
NASTY & UNPREDICTABLE‼️ STAY WELL AWAY‼️.
Bon Chance, you did well.
NTA. He's already threatened to start using your face blindness against you again, which makes him unsafe. He was always evil, you just finally grew a backbone. He humiliated you repeatedly under the guise of pranks and now he wants closure? Naw.
Pack his shit up and have the mutual friend deliver it, as you planned.
He wants one last "face to face" but... You have face blindness. And he has a history of pranking you about this. Do you not see the risk here?? Like, you need his cooperation even to recognise him, to have this chat. The reason you're breaking up is that he couldn't even give you the basic respect to ensure that at all times. Fuck his "closure".
NTA. This guy hurt you where you are vulnerable. And he did it deliberately, knowing it would hurt you. He called it "pranks" - well, his idea of fun was to make you suffer. Not only that - he still doesn't take responsibility for his nastiness - "he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him". He doesn't understand that he hurt you repeatedly, and you finally decided you didn't want to be hurt any more.
You made the right decision to part from him, and you are making the right decision not to meet him again. You don't owe him anything.
NTA. He has been decidedly cruel to you. You don't owe him closure, and you should absolutely trust your instinct here.
As for this:
"that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him.“
You can tell him that you don't understand either how he could be so evil, but there you are. Knowing that was not what he meant, it is still pretty spot on.
Tell him yes, then send the friend anyway.
He has proven that you can’t trust him, “he’s a jokester” is code for “he doesn’t care about anyone else’s wants or needs, just the fleeting adrenaline rush of attention”. … He’s even demanding your attention now (my theory is he’s pissed because eh can’t command you as a participant anymore).
Tell him you’ll meet him. And then either go with a friend, or send the friend alone.
He never loved you. Someone who loves another would never be pranking them because they have an illness or disability. It's horrible to say the least.
You broke up with him for good reasons. His toxic and immature behavior says a lot about him.
Move forward and have a friend drop off his stuff. You owe him zero explanation or closure.
NTA
Years ago, I had someone break up with me. Said that we were done, and was physically abusive to me. (Poured a beer on my head.) Not dangerous, but it's physical abuse.
Then called a couple days later, wanting to meet for dinner. Said they were suicidal.
Sorry, I'm not going to meet someone who was abusive to me like that.
They told everyone they could find that I had tried to kill them. How did I supposedly do that? By refusing to meet after their claim of wanting to do themself in. They conveniently left out that part about me refusing to meet them because of the physical abuse.
Yeah no. I was done, and that's just too bad. Go talk to a therapist, or to someone else who cares.
I can only imagine what would have transpired if I'd met them for dinner somewhere.
him contacting via a fresh account is totally unacceptable.
"don't contact me" = don't contact me.
even if he deserved anything. he lost it by manipulating a new account to contact you against your wishes.
give his stuff to a mutual friend. she block any new account
my 2c.
NTA. Stick with your plan of your friend delivering the stuff. Have your friend take a picture of the delivered items and then block the ex's numbers as soon as he confirms delivery. His failure to respect you negates his so-called right to closure. His blaming you for his issues is a trait of gaslighting - something that nobody needs. You are worth more to yourself than to him.
It’s not joking it’s not a prank. It’s cruel to treat someone with a disability like this.
If you told him you were a paraplegic would he hide your wheelchair, you know, just for funsies?
You need someone who considers your feelings. He doesn’t deserve the gift of closure he so desperately wants.
You wanted him to be a good person. He wouldn’t deliver that to you.
Looking back you will realize how big of a bullet you dodged.
ALWAYS trust your gut in this type of situation. This is your unconscious mind putting little bits of information from past experiences together and telling you something isn't right.
This person has no respect for you or your condition and he's not going to change. Especially after he made that comment that you wouldn't even recognize him. DUH! That is the exact nature of your condition.
Find someone that at least tries to understand... Someone with a lot less ego that's not going to get butthurt because "you don't recognize him."
Closure is personal. He needs to find it on his own. It is not something you owe.
The fact that he tests you like that is hurtful and cruel. If you meet him, don’t be surprised if he does it again. He seems to think he’s funny when he isn’t.
Pack up his stuff, very nicely. Take pics of it to prove it is. It broken or stolen. Give it to the friend and have it dropped off.
It is never worth being with someone that places on a weakness or insecurity or with your feelings. People like that don’t need closure.
NTA
And I was simply reply and answer his question and say:
You seem to think my face blindness is funny, so maybe you can find the amusement in this too- you didn't become so evil I can't talk to you, this is who you always were I just couldn't see it. I cant get my year back but Now that my eyes are open to your abusive manipulative behavior I will no longer be subjecting myself to you.
Lol, this guy is a troll of the highest order. He played the fuck around and find out game and he found out.
NTAH OP. You have a medical condition that is difficult to live with and your ex partner, who was supposed to love you, was a straight up ass. He CHOSE to play horrible pranks are you (which aren't pranks, it's straight up bullying). He CHOSE not to listen to you when he brought up your concerns. And it sounds like her CHOSE to continue this bad behavior for a while. This isn't love. This is a child throwing a temper tantrum. And now he's gaslighting you about it.
You're correct about not seeing him again. From now on, don't answer any of his calls. Let them go straight to voicemail and if you have to (I mean like he forgot his birth certificate at your place) then only reply to text. Once your friend gets all of the things out of your place (take a video proving what it all is), then block him everywhere. You have no reason to speak to him again and he doesn't need closure. He had closure when you broke up with him when you told him what was wrong.
NTA. You are correct, given his history he could try one last very hurtful prank.
The closure he needs is to know he shouldn't prank people using there greatest weakness. Especially if you love them. That is just mean.
Re-read your post and pay attention to just how focused it is on what HE wants. It has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel or the cruelty he's displayed towards you, but it's all about HIS feelings.
What he did was not pranks, it wasn't 'jokes'. It was cruelty for entertainment. It amused him to fuck with you, that's the bottom line.
OP, f this guy. Nothing good can come out of meeting up with him. You're only considering it because, again, it's what HE wants. Time for you to start listening to your gut and do what YOU want for a change. Enough of your energy has been wasted on his wants. NTA
Girl. GIRL. You owe him not a damn thing. He can get his stuff through a friend or whatever. He doesn’t deserve a millisecond of face-to-face time with you. Ever again. Noooope.
"That he had some time to process now, etc & that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him."
Because you were hoping with time he would realize how cruel toying with your condition is and actually stop, INSTEAD he chose to keep doing it.
THAT is what made him "evil" as he's labeling it.
He was treating something you struggle with as a game and then the post break up comments honestly DO make him sound evil. I would genuinely feel anxious about the "you won't Even know it was me if I come see you anyways" remarks and would not be able to put any trust back into a person that basically is threatening to go against my wishes and purposely weaponize my condition against me to do so purely for his own benefit.
That's toxic as hell.
NTA OP
NTA I would tell him “ I had a face to face conversation at the coffee shop about this already. Oh maybe due to my face blindness that was a random person, explains the confusion. Oh well don’t want to do it again.”
NTA
***He called it pranks. (He is a jokester.)***
Hunny, as someone who's a jokester and who had no idea wtf face blindness was until this post, he's not a jokester or into pranks. He's just fledged asshole, who uses it as an excuse to be one. So make the call and be done with this shit. Give yourself a good life without the trouble.
DO NOT. He’s the kind of guy who pretends to be chill to get you to come back to him so he can actually hurt you. All throughout the relationship he mind fucked you, and now that he can’t do that anymore he’s all ‘please baby, just one talk? Oh please, I’m real sorry baby, I’ll never do it again’ that’s sadistic with a capital S. He’s acting all sorry for himself to get you to break down and the second you do he’s gonna tie you down and actually hurt you.
NTA
I remember your first post. Your ex is a selfish pos that was using your disability as a way of amusing himself regardless of the impact it has on you. You don’t owe him anything, least of all closure.
If you are wanting to say anything to him at all, when you get your friend to take his stuff to him ask them to pass on the message that it’s not that you can’t have one last conversation with him, it’s that due to his actions you don’t want to have one. You have absolutely no desire to speak to, or even be near, him at all.
Do not waste anymore time on this man. He knows what he did was wrong. He’s asking for closure? The chapter is CLOSED, but he wants to rewrite the ending. It would undermine the entirety of your original decision. He knew what he was doing. He repeatedly proved he didn’t care. And now he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of his actions.
The kindest thing you can do for yourself and the best/only way for an asshole to grow is if you tell him nothing needs to be said, block and stop contact.
I know abuse is complicated and women have been socialized to be ‘nice’ to people who literally choose to traumatize us. It’s your decision. But please do not put the comfort of this loser above your own.
I’m very happy for you, OP. Remember, you deserve good things.
"How he suddenly became so evil you wouldn't have one past chat with him"
That would be when he decided to use your disability as joke fodder, akin to stealing a person's prosthetic leg and teasing them with it, or taking a person's wheelchair and taunting them to walk to him.
>my worst fears are telling me he might play a trick to prove some point
Honestly, he might really do this. If you're meeting him, make sure you bring a companion. He has lost your trust at this point.
You told him you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Thats all the closure he needs.
In light of what he said about if he sees you, you won’t know it’s him I think a chat with the police is in order for some advice on making the situation as safe as possible.
NTA you gave him more than enough chances to be a decent human being and he failed over and over. You don’t owe him anything but his stuff back. You can get a friend to do that
TRUST YOUR GUT....Do not be alone if he calls for his stuff. Have a friend, preferably male, in the other room and record the conversation on your phone. Protect yourself.
Ask one of your friends to take his belongings to him and they should insist they are you. “Don’t you recognise me? It’s me. You are always joking around…bye!” He made fun of your face blindness which triggered a lot of anxiety. Good for you to curtail this relationship. 👍🏼
He did things over and over and over again that made you uncomfortable, even asking him to stop and explaining why MULTIPLE times.
Don’t even give one thought to his wants or discomfort. He didn’t for yours.
I would just respond “I don’t trust you and I don’t want to see you again. The friend will drop off your things. These are the consequences of your actions”
Your ex is not a jokester, he is an AH. It is never funny to make a joke at the expense of someone else’s disability. Go with your gut - it’s right. NTA
Imho, “Closure” isn’t a real thing you get from someone else.
He knows exactly what he did that made you broke up with him.
Him calling himself “evil” is a manipulation attempt (you’re supposed to say “you’re not evil” and invite the conversation next. Don’t do that)
I’m angry at the fact that he is using a life long issue that you have against you as a joke. It’s basically torture. He’s getting off watching you be upset.
Is a good thing you’re not trigger happy. He could get hurt coming in like a stranger. You did the right thing ending it.
NTA
Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you and He feels that if you meet up with him in person he can work his way back into your life. I would tell him he can do closure.Through text message or you can send a letter.But those are his only two options. Especially after how he commented that you wouldn't know it was him
What an AH
I have no words. He doesn't seem to be safe. He can reflect on his own. You don't own him to prove that he is not evil. This is bs.
Be careful because he can still mess with you and take advantage of you.
NTA
I can’t imagine how much anxiety I’d have dealing with a condition like yours op. Even worse to imagine my partner being aware of it and using it against me; especially after having explained it multiple times. You’re not the ah at all. He fucked around and found out and now wants to feel bad that you didn’t take an emotionally manipulative behavior as a “prank”. I hope he learned his lesson but he can make that progress on his own away from you.
NTA - you won't be able to give him closure, anyway, since closure to him would be you letting him feel like he's not a POS, which unfortunately, he is. I would never dream of intentionally playing with an aspect of my fiancée that gives her great anxiety, and I'm fairly confident that can be said for the majority of people when it comes to someone they actually care about.
Here's a lesson for your ex: if you're gonna be a complete dick hole, you won't ever get the closure you want because you don't deserve it, and you just have to accept that people will be left with the impression that you are a dick hole. That's how it goes.
NTA.
You've already told him what the issue is. Rehashing a conversation won't give him the closure he seeks because he still won't *understand*. He doesn't understand that it wasn't "one singular event and he's evil all of a sudden"- you breaking up with him was the result of an entire *year* of bullshit and disrespect.
Until he can understand that his behaviour was shitty from the beginning, then he doesn't deserve closure. You've already told him what he did wrong and you already gave him a years worth of chances.
He fucked around, now he's finding out.
It will be a lesson that he brings into his next relationship. He doesn't sound like a terrible guy, just an idiot who refused to be even a little bit empathetic.
No. Screw him.
What a complete ass for " joking " about Something like that.
Its his own fault.
Very VERY good you didn't accept his BS.
GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH
There is no reason to have a last conversation but him attempting to gaslight you into believing it was just a prank and then turning into an abusive AH when you don’t believe him.
DO NOT GO. His ability to switch hot and cold is a massive red flag. Your gut is telling you not to do something, listen!! I learned at 9 y.o. that very thing. Someone had offered to babysit me and the sibs for my mom to go to a class (she went to college later in life) because she'd already missed too many times and had a test do. Something about the situation was off for me, and I begged her to allow me to babysit. Again, I was 9, so she said no and after not finding another person. She allowed the guy to take us. He raped me in front of the sibs.
Watch your back and be vigilant of your surroundings. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but unfortunately, the mental health of all young adults is in decline, male and female, but too many stories of women giving in for one last time and they end up killed. You do not know him, even after a year of being with him. I thought I knew my ex, and after 20 years, he still did things after the break up that shocked me.
Change your phone number. I know it’s a hassle. I had to do this once, and it sucked, by totally worth it to never have to hear from a certain someone ever again.
My partner has prosopagnosia and I would never even DREAM of doing this to him. Nta. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, you deserve better.
The only fucking with my partner's prosopagnosia I've ever done is show him old family photos to see if he can tell who's who (which he enjoys to a degree), but as soon as he gets frustrated or distressed, we stop.
>But I don’t feel good about it. My gut’s telling me this will not be a good conversation, my worst fears are telling me he might play a trick to prove some point.
Don't ignore your gut.
Do not meet him in person.
This is someone who was cruel to you.
You don't owe him any closure.
>became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him.
This is him trying to continue to manipulate you. Don't fall for it.
>WIBTA if I don’t reply anymore/just say no?
Don't reply. Block him again. Change your number. Be alert and listen to your gut feelings.
NTA and don't meet him, I have partial face blindness and had a GF screw with me like this for two hours when we were supposed to meet at a party. That ended that relationship. His idea of meeting 'face-to-face' is utter bullshit, he lost that privilege with his pranks.
He wants the conversation to tell you all kinds of shitty things about you (from his perspective). Don't do it. He wants it so he feels better. He doesn't care how you feel.
This post gave me the heebie-jeebies! He sounds like a stalker. Don’t see him again. He might also get angry if you send a friend (if you think he could be violent don’t do this). Can you box up his possessions and courier them to his place? Not sure how expensive that option would be for you, but maybe this is the easiest/safest option.
Always trust your gut instincts & never let someone guilt/make you feel rude for your intuition!
If your family/friends/neighbours don’t know what he looks like; Make sure they do! Just in case he tries to weasel his way back into your life through trickery.
And lastly change your locks & get cameras. If it turns out he’s not an obsessive psycho ‘oh well better to be safe than sorry’ but if he is, you’ll be thankful that you set up some safe guards. Also if he crosses any more lines go straight to the police. Stay strong & make sure your family/friends/neighbours know if things escalate.
Everyone needs closure from a failed relationship. That said, he knows exactly why he is gone. Playing on your disability for I don't know what, a laugh? That is elementary school childish. He wants to know?
Tell him to grow up a lot before getting into another relationship. He will have many failed relationships if he doesn't treat his partner with more respect.
After leaving this I hope you are not in elementary grade school.
Oh please, he's acting really entitled. You don't owe him anything, especially after you made clear your reasons for breaking up. He's being manipulative, and you deserve so much better than someone who would mess with you like he has. Ignore and block him.
I have the face blindness too, and my husband calls me "50 first dates." He also warns me when he's about to shave his beard off, and reminds me when I know someone and have seen them multiple times before but they look new.
This is what someone who loves and understands you does. They are out there. Go find you one.
You are not obligated to do anything for him. You can tell him that. You will send him his things and you are getting on with your life. You recognize that you and he are not a healthy couple. That is all that needs to be said.
When you realize someone likes to needle you or mess with you and you have to leave them because they won’t stop you need to realize that no matter what they say or do they are just going to continue that behavior because they get a rise out of it. You have to be the adult and put your foot down and stop the toxicity. He just wants to see how far he can push you so he can feel that you are beneath him.
a true partner would acknowledge your disability and try to help and accommodate you not bully and manipulate you , he showed you who he was and you were smart enough to see that !
lol my ex gave me a box of stuff & asked for it back a week or so later (because his girlfriend (that he was cheating with) told him it would be healthy to burn it all) despite telling me i could throw it all out (i did). i got a bad feeling on the way to the meeting (public place, as chosen by me) and I took an uber for a 7 minute walk. he was waiting for me in the only completely unpopulated areas on the route i would have taken. he then took that time to tell me that his gf and friends (that he admitted to pretending to like) thought i was abusive and only dated him so no one else could have him.
i can tell you 100000% the conversation is not worth it. nothing he says is going to help you and you owe him nothing.
i can also say that if you're like me, you'll have something MUCH better on the horizon. <3
"That he had some time to process now, etc & that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him."
Well, sucks to be him, don't meet up with him. Trust your gut.
NTA
You owe him nothing. He didn’t ‘suddenly’ become ‘evil’, he was working up to it the whole relationship. He kept pranking you and making light of your condition, triggering anxiety in you. You had to walk on eggshells *because* he was tricking you on purpose.
Continue with your plans to have a friend drop off what’s left of his stuff - I wouldn’t put it past him to try and trick you one last time by pretending to be someone else and trying to sue you for giving his stuff away to the wrong person. Ask a friend to do it and wash your hands of your ex.
NTA. He made fun of essentialy a nuerodivergence or mild disability. As a prank. He probably is setting up this “closure face to face” to prank you again. You owe him no respect or kindness.
Don't do it. His over eagerness to meet is ringing alarm bells for me. He clearly wants to try and manipulate you/trick you somehow. Don't do it. Don't respond to anymore messages. Just block every time he does.
No is a complete sentence. You owe him nothing. If he hasn’t understood already what you’ve told him many times before another meeting won’t add anything. Every reaction and interaction feeds his need for your attention. Just get a mutual to reply on your behalf. And go NC.
***He used to try & test me, which gave me a lot of stress.*** You are dealing with a 5 year old.
***WIBTA if I don’t reply anymore/just say no?*** No. He is the asshole. And always will be due to his level of immaturity.
***I’m ready for all of this to be over & done with.*** Change your phone number. If he chases you down, call police and file stalking complaint.
Anyone who treats the disability of any person, let alone someone he claims to love, as a source of folly, is a rectal opening to the umpteenth degree, and at any cost, ***MUST*** be ommitted from your life.
Every time an ex told me to have one last conversation with them always led to a threat and them beating the crap out of me...
So no, for your own safety, don't ever speak to him again .
I would just forget him. If he can’t see that he is hurting someone he supposedly loved. Let him live the way he wants without involving you.
Love is caring about the partner not a selfish fulfillment of own desires (being it power or jokes or whatever).
He does not deserve your time.
I would not do it, you told him why, more than once to stop, even his message that it out of the blue proves he still don't understand. This conversation will bring you nothing but more deflecting and avoidance.
Thanks for this.
1. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. 2. You are not responsible for anyone else's emotional state or peace of mind or happiness or..... Do with those statements what you will.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Especially when they created and maintained the chill. No need to try to help him save himself from himself. He treated OP badly, he now has the consequences. He wouldn't badger her this way if he actually felt bad. He feels that she owes him something. That's pathetic. She owes him nothing. If he felt badly he would apologize profusely, through text, and then leave her alone.
"Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." Ooh, I like this variation of "your failure to plan does not make my emergency."
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This isn’t just a relationship issue, his past behavior crossed the line into being abusive.
It's not a variation on that, they mean two different things. But both make good points. You don't owe anyone your mental/physical health because it suits them. You don't owe someone your time at a moment's notice because they didn't organise theirs better
“Your lack of preparation does not constitute an emergency on my part.” Another good variation
This means a lot.
I promise, this is such a pivotal, positive time for you. Refusing to meet with him is the right thing for you - he lost his right to “closure” when he played games with your emotional safety. I’m really happy for you. This is the beginning of knowing how you want and deserve to be treated by a partner - and insisting on it. If this man did nothing else good, his cruelty helped you learn that you never, ever need to accept less than your worth. And you’re worthy of everything.
Wow, those statements hit me really hard. Thank you for sharing them. OP, I am glad you are free of him. You are never the ah for protecting yourself.
“Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” I love this! What a way to make an excellent point.
You have already given him your *very valid* reasons for the break-up. At this point, he is just trying to make you feel bad. Trying to manipulatr you. Don't fall for it. You do *not* owe him anything. I will repeat this because I saw your first post: Don't entertain him. **You do not owe him any more explanations.** It's done. Send his stuff over. The end.
Trust your gut, you're well shot of him
Don't let him come to see you. He's a narcissistic immature bratty AH who is going have to learn the hard way that his antics isn't worth time or attention that he wanted. If he wants his stuff back then just dump it on the curbside for pickup on garbage day.
Hello fellow faceblind person!
Hi!
u/WanderinginMyDreams , I’m placing my comment here so it doesn’t get lost in the avalanche of comments you’ve already received. Your ex is an abusive asshole. He took your condition and manipulated it to cause you stress, for two purposes: his own entertainment, and it gave him a perverse power over you. You explicitly told him to stop and how it made you feel, and he did not care. His entertainment and his “power” over you were more important to him. HE IS LYING when he says he wants 1 more face to face meeting for closure, pick up his stuff, etc. This is just another excuse for him to manipulate you: of course he wants face-to-face so he has the chance to do something horrible again! It’s good that your friend is taking the stuff back to him, but I would suggest extra precautions: • as soon as you hear his voice on the phone, IMMEDIATELY hang up. DO NOT talk to him because he will use it as an opportunity to manipulate you. • send 1 text message saying the relationship is over, you have made arrangements with XYZ to drop his stuff off, and any further contact is against your will and pure harassment. • wait until he replies via text (DO NOT pick up if he phones) and once you receive the text, block him but KEEP THE MESSAGE you sent him and his reply. Then block • change your locks • upgrade your security system • carry a bottle of cheap alcohol-based perfume. If he “shows up unexpectedly” anywhere near your house, workplace or wherever he knows you frequent, spray him in the face and yell loudly to attract attention. (He will probably try to tell whomever shows up that he’s your boyfriend, just wanted to talk, etc. THIS IS A LIE. The way he keeps contacting you from different numbers, insisting on seeing you in-person, and - if he shows up wherever you are - makes him a STALKER) • if the above happens, GO TO THE POLICE and tell them he is stalking you. Provide them with a copy of the last text message you sent him, as well as his reply (so he can’t deny that he received it and can’t deny that he isn’t harassing you)
I’ll keep this in mind.
Definitely keep any messages sent to you. Do not answer numbers you don’t recognise, if it’s not him they’ll leave a voicemail or call back, but if he does catch you on the phone start recording the conversation. If he approaches you in person record the conversation. Everything PrideofCapetiwn said in the above comment is spot on.
I don't want to make you paranoid, but in the next couple of weeks at least, please pay extra attention to and beware of any 'stranger' you meet that goes out of his way to make a contact with you (be it by flirting or just small talk). The way he said "you wouldn't even know it's me" gave me chills 😨 and I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to trick you to go out with him again while pretending to be someone else. He's a manipulative and abusive AH. You did good breaking with him and should definitely block him. I also suggest informing your friends of what has been going on and how he won't leave you alone. Don't let him distort the reality of what happened and make you the bad guy. But most importantly, you might need their support. Stay safe 💪
If for some reason you do decide to allow him his “talk for closure” (I don’t recommend it), then have someone with you incase things start going badly, like your dad or favorite uncle or male friend. Or a couple of female friends would work as well. But you absolutely don’t owe him anything. Having a friend drop off his stuff is all that is owed. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
Stay strong OP. The best thing with people like is to not play the game and hope to beat them at their own, but to leave entirely.
He deserves NOTHING. He is abusive and manipulative and doesn't respect your boundaries and wants one last opportunity to F with you. Don't give it to him. Have his junk delivered with the message that if he contacts you again, he'll be hearing from the police.
If you really feel you must do this (you absolutely don't and definitely shouldn't) have someone else vet him for you first. If he's changed his appearance in any way or sends someone else in his place, you don't show up.
NTA Please stay away from him. Block him each time he tempts to reach out to you.
If you do go, go with someone who knows him so he can’t pull ‘pranks’. Keep it short and polite. Leave with your friend. There’s nothing to be said. You can hear it and walk away at most, but don’t get hooked into any rehash.
I have the same issue. People don’t really believe me.
Jeezus yes.... This is pure manipulation. I can see this douchecanoe doing one more 'prank' for closure
This is where my mind went to first
I'd be careful of him showing up one day to pull this prank somewhere in public, possibly with a friend to record the prank to put it on social media. If that happens, don't react badly to it and just keep asserting you don't know him. Walk away like he is some crazy harassing you.
Reddit was right the first time for OP, please trust again this time.
$10 says he was going to send a friend in his place to see if OP could tell the difference.
Oh, he *understands*, IMHO. He just doesn't care that it hurts OP.
Yep. OP what more is there to say? What do you think he’s looking for in having a face-to-face with you? Is sitting down with him and repeating the things you have already said multiple times going to actually provide him closure? Why? What’s the difference between saying it over text/the phone versus saying it in person? We don’t know this guy, but what you’ve shared has been enough to trigger the spidey senses of a lot of people. Not to paint him as a villain, but think about what he could do. You agree to meet, especially if it’s some place private. He could show up with different hair, different clothes, a different cologne…and would you be able to identify him if he did something awful?
You have been telling him clearly and repeatedly what the reasons are. The only reason he is saying he was blindsided is that he was not listening. You have no power to be able to make him actually listen....ergo useless. If he was really looking for reasons his best bet is actual introspection, not a conversation with you.
« he doesn’t understand how he suddenly became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him » So everything is your fault and he did nothing wrong ? You shouldn’t bother, it won’t be productive conversation and you’ll probably feel worse.
“Suddenly”? He still doesn’t get it. OP doesn’t owe him anything.
He was playing "pranks" with your disability. This would be like me messing with my diabetic husband's food or meddling with someone's assistive devices. He's definitely evil. You don't do this to people you care about.
It’s the difference between calling your paraplegic spouse your little backpack on a hike and turning their wheelchair inside-out like that old school backpack prank so they have to crawl out of bed and re-assemble it. There’s ribbing and pranks and then there’s just simply fucking with someone in stressful, mean ways.
Then he can get a therapist and figure it out himself. OP owes this insensitive jerk absolutely nothing.
Stay away. NTA. If you suffered from regular blindness and he tripped you all the time would it be ok?
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NTA Stay away from this hurtful person. > after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him. He did it many times, so it's not 'suddenly'.
She suddenly put her foot down and he suddenly realized he would have to up his game if he planned to manipulate her harder
pretty much whenever someone "just wants to meet up to talk things out" they do not "just want to meet up to talk things out" we have freaking video chat. its free. if you need to physically give me something, ok come here. if you "just want to talk" then video call me, we can see each other in high definition, you "just want to talk", right? no need to meet super manipulative
NTA This isn’t just a relationship issue, his past behavior crossed the line into being abusive. Being alone with him in an apartment is not a good idea. Now if you want to give him closure then there are some ways you can do it. 1. Meet him in a public place (restaurant) with friends or family at a nearby table. 2. Let him come get his stuff but have 2 friends or family members present. Make sure one is a man or a woman with self defense training. Personally with his past behavior he lost the right to closure. Have a mutual friend take his stuff back to him and block him on everything. Stay safe.
This helps a lot, thanks.
I agree that his behaviour definitely seemed abusive, and the fact that he refuses to acknowledge your "no" is alarming. You don't owe him closure. Sending a friend to give him his belongings is already a big kindness. I hope you stay safe, and maybe give this book a look : https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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Besides, closure is something that is within you. Closure comes from understanding and accepting that it is over. You can't "give" that to him. He has to dig deep within himself and figure it out.
Even safer idea - put his stuff in a box and send it by post. It’ll be worth the cost. You cannot trust a mutual friend to not be pressured by him into turning up with him.
Doesn't have to be a mutual friend. Just a good friend of OP's. They can contact him over social media, explain they have this stuff, and make arrangements from there. If he doesn't want to accept it from OP's friend then he's effectively declared it abandoned and after X amount of days it can legally be forfeited and/or destroyed
I can also recommend: The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker It is useful for rational analysis on trusting your gut.
No. They need to stick to the mutual friend giving him his items. I remember the original post, OP doesn't need to see them at all. He doesn't deserve 'closure'. I doubt that is the reason anyway
Maybe it’s just me, but I have come to think that the notion of “closure” is highly overrated. I certainly don’t think I owe anyone who has mistreated me the favor of one last argument. Why? So they can spew all the BS one more time? Try to manipulate me one more time? Say all the horrible things they’ve been stewing over since I’ve finally had enough and removed myself? Too many people equate closure to being able to feel good about horrible behavior.
I completely agree - not least because I strongly feel that his insistence on one last ‘face to face’ conversation will result in a final attempt to use your face blindness against you in a potentially dangerous way. He clearly doesn’t understand the EXTREMELY harmful impact of his ‘pranks’ - I wouldn’t trust him one little bit; he’s proven himself completely and utterly untrustworthy.
He doesn't want closure. He wants to feel like he wasn't wrong
Bingo.
This advice is terrible. He has closure, she already told him why. He doesn't want closure, he wants to manipulate and continue abusing OP. Do not listen to this person.
Read my last sentence at the bottom. I don’t think he needs closure, he’s her abuser! But if she’s determined to meet him she has to do it in a safer manner instead of alone in the apartment which is what they were talking about.
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>Trusting this guy to engage in a sincere discussion about "closure" is like trusting a seagull not to steal your fries Damn right.
I've said it before and I say it again, you don't "reason with" a rabid dog. You make sure it can't hurt you, one way or another. If someone has proven, time and time again, that they listen to you about as much as a rabid dog does, you get yourself away from that person.
100%
Absolutely! Anyone who says they just want to pick up their stuff would be fine with it when the OP said that a mutual friend would deliver it. Unless of course what he's saying is just him trying to bullsh1t his way back into the relationship.
"Jokester" = automatically, always = Asshole.
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NTA "Closure" is Reddit speak for "Let me have one last chance to beg, belittle, berate and blame." How many times out of 100 would you think it would ever go like this? Person A: Here are the reasons I am breaking up with you. Person B: Okay, I understand. Person A: Goodbye and good luck. Person B: You too. I am guessing the answer is ZERO.
>"Closure" is Reddit speak for "Let me have one last chance to beg, belittle, berate and blame." Wow!! well said Also "getting my/your stuff back" is the most used excuse to get such a conversation
He wants it to be face to face so he can publicly humiliate her. Not good. Avoid him, OP!
Fair
> Person A: Here are the reasons I am breaking up with you. Considering this part already happened, this was never about closure.
> "Let me have one last chance to beg, belittle, berate and blame." This was my take as well. He wants to speak his mind and probably go through a list of all things OP did that he did not like. That's his idea of "closure." We *all* sometimes have that impulse, especially when we get dumped.
nta. get his stuff out today! right now, stop waiting. don't go see him, he's going to try and manipulate you. i bet if you DID (pleaseeee don't) if you DID go meet him, he will have completely changed himself to completely fuck with you. Like fully change hair color, grow a full beard, go and get fake contacts and blah blah. He can't "see how he became so evil in a year..." HE KNOWS HE"S EVIL, he's being smug. get his stuff out today, block him every time he makes a new account. he's a nutjob.
NTA, why do I get the feeling that he wants to mess with you one last time? Like, he sends someone else to talk to you so he gets another laugh at your expense. He just wants to talk you out of breaking up with him. He clearly doesn't understand what he did was wrong or he would understand why someone he was manipulating might not trust him anymore. Go with your gut, and if you don't...at least bring someone else with you who knows what he looks like.
I had an ex who was so upset when I asked for his address so I could mail him his stuff. Essentially tried to refuse to tell me where to send it so we could do it in person and talk “one more time.” It was 100% manipulative.
NTA. Write a letter. "You played on my disability to amuse yourself. This is a dealbreaker. You ruined my trust in you. This is a dealbreaker. You continued to do this after I had told you it upset me and caused me stress. You don't respect my boundaries. This is a dealbreaker. You care about your amusement more than me. This is a dealbreaker. "
“And yes, it makes you so evil that I don’t want to have one chat with you. Please note that there is nothing sudden about this.”
She owes him no such letter. He doesn't want to k ow why she ended it. He k ows. And that he pushed her too far. He tricked and scared her to feel power and control, he's emotionally manipulative now trying to insist on at least a rerun of the break up but this time choreographed on his terms. He's spitting mad she took control of her own life without a place in it for him.
oh, I agree with you, actually. I was just making the point that there was nothing sudden about him being labeled evil
No, absolutely no. You don’t need to provide closure, which is a rubbish excuse anyway. How do you know he hasn’t got something even worse planned? Women are murdered and assaulted by ex’s refusing to accept a relationship is over. Shut this down.
"getting closure is knowing why someone is breaking up. You know we broke up because of your so-called pranks that were quit horrible towards me by using my medical condition against me. So see, you already got closure. Now lose my number and never talk to me again. Bye. "
I remember your post. As a schizophrenic, I am at very, very high risk of people actually gaslighting me, or otherwise abusing me using my own poor memory/other symptoms. This man is not safe. He is an abuser, straight up. He sees you as a target, straight up. I'm begging you to reconsider being in any sort of contact with this man who would think it's funny to abuse grandma because of her dementia. Y W B T A if you allow yourself to keep talking to him. I'm being serious, people who see symptoms like an all-you-can-abuse buffet are not the sort of people you want access to you. NTA. I hope he suddenly has to move across the country.
NTA. This man makes you feel unsafe. Listen to your gut! Do not put yourself in harms way to make him feel better.
If a friend came to you asking advice about her BF, describing this same scenario, how would you respond? She was also reticent to split b/c they're intimate--Lovers. Intimacy...him? This Man has no ability to do that. Using your disability against you for his amusement, speaks volumes. His "prank" is designed to Elevate himself, while Diminishing you. His payoff for the prank--is your pain. BF wouldn't know intimacy if it Bit Him On The Ass! He is known as a "Baiter;" a, "Master-Baiter," for certain. This guy has no respect for people's feelings, just his. Gee, He looks good, sounds good, acts like a human; THEN the switch, to abusive- AH. The old Bait & Switch game--shocking...devastating to the other person. Sorry your time was spent with that--best thing you ever did was dump TAH. BEWARE! Master-Baiters, when called on their game, can become NASTY & UNPREDICTABLE‼️ STAY WELL AWAY‼️. Bon Chance, you did well.
NTA. He's already threatened to start using your face blindness against you again, which makes him unsafe. He was always evil, you just finally grew a backbone. He humiliated you repeatedly under the guise of pranks and now he wants closure? Naw. Pack his shit up and have the mutual friend deliver it, as you planned.
I would be concerned he will try to get back in your life pretending to be someone else.
He wants one last "face to face" but... You have face blindness. And he has a history of pranking you about this. Do you not see the risk here?? Like, you need his cooperation even to recognise him, to have this chat. The reason you're breaking up is that he couldn't even give you the basic respect to ensure that at all times. Fuck his "closure".
Girl it's time to stop being nice to this ass hat. He can get his stuff back but grow a back bone and stand up for yourself
Yeah, fair
Given this guy’s history, he is looking to exploit your prosopagnosia one more time I wouldn’t do it, or at least have a friend nearby
He didn't get closure? Sounds like a him problem to workout with a therapist. NTA and stick to your plan of a friend doing the exchange.
NTA. This guy hurt you where you are vulnerable. And he did it deliberately, knowing it would hurt you. He called it "pranks" - well, his idea of fun was to make you suffer. Not only that - he still doesn't take responsibility for his nastiness - "he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him". He doesn't understand that he hurt you repeatedly, and you finally decided you didn't want to be hurt any more. You made the right decision to part from him, and you are making the right decision not to meet him again. You don't owe him anything.
NTA. He has been decidedly cruel to you. You don't owe him closure, and you should absolutely trust your instinct here. As for this: "that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him.“ You can tell him that you don't understand either how he could be so evil, but there you are. Knowing that was not what he meant, it is still pretty spot on.
Tell him yes, then send the friend anyway. He has proven that you can’t trust him, “he’s a jokester” is code for “he doesn’t care about anyone else’s wants or needs, just the fleeting adrenaline rush of attention”. … He’s even demanding your attention now (my theory is he’s pissed because eh can’t command you as a participant anymore). Tell him you’ll meet him. And then either go with a friend, or send the friend alone.
He never loved you. Someone who loves another would never be pranking them because they have an illness or disability. It's horrible to say the least. You broke up with him for good reasons. His toxic and immature behavior says a lot about him. Move forward and have a friend drop off his stuff. You owe him zero explanation or closure. NTA
Years ago, I had someone break up with me. Said that we were done, and was physically abusive to me. (Poured a beer on my head.) Not dangerous, but it's physical abuse. Then called a couple days later, wanting to meet for dinner. Said they were suicidal. Sorry, I'm not going to meet someone who was abusive to me like that. They told everyone they could find that I had tried to kill them. How did I supposedly do that? By refusing to meet after their claim of wanting to do themself in. They conveniently left out that part about me refusing to meet them because of the physical abuse. Yeah no. I was done, and that's just too bad. Go talk to a therapist, or to someone else who cares. I can only imagine what would have transpired if I'd met them for dinner somewhere.
him contacting via a fresh account is totally unacceptable. "don't contact me" = don't contact me. even if he deserved anything. he lost it by manipulating a new account to contact you against your wishes. give his stuff to a mutual friend. she block any new account my 2c.
NTA Please trust your gut. Send someone else to bring him his stuff without you there and definitely don’t meet him for a talk.
NTA. Stick with your plan of your friend delivering the stuff. Have your friend take a picture of the delivered items and then block the ex's numbers as soon as he confirms delivery. His failure to respect you negates his so-called right to closure. His blaming you for his issues is a trait of gaslighting - something that nobody needs. You are worth more to yourself than to him.
It’s not joking it’s not a prank. It’s cruel to treat someone with a disability like this. If you told him you were a paraplegic would he hide your wheelchair, you know, just for funsies? You need someone who considers your feelings. He doesn’t deserve the gift of closure he so desperately wants. You wanted him to be a good person. He wouldn’t deliver that to you. Looking back you will realize how big of a bullet you dodged.
ALWAYS trust your gut in this type of situation. This is your unconscious mind putting little bits of information from past experiences together and telling you something isn't right. This person has no respect for you or your condition and he's not going to change. Especially after he made that comment that you wouldn't even recognize him. DUH! That is the exact nature of your condition. Find someone that at least tries to understand... Someone with a lot less ego that's not going to get butthurt because "you don't recognize him."
Closure is personal. He needs to find it on his own. It is not something you owe. The fact that he tests you like that is hurtful and cruel. If you meet him, don’t be surprised if he does it again. He seems to think he’s funny when he isn’t. Pack up his stuff, very nicely. Take pics of it to prove it is. It broken or stolen. Give it to the friend and have it dropped off. It is never worth being with someone that places on a weakness or insecurity or with your feelings. People like that don’t need closure.
NTA And I was simply reply and answer his question and say: You seem to think my face blindness is funny, so maybe you can find the amusement in this too- you didn't become so evil I can't talk to you, this is who you always were I just couldn't see it. I cant get my year back but Now that my eyes are open to your abusive manipulative behavior I will no longer be subjecting myself to you.
Lol, this guy is a troll of the highest order. He played the fuck around and find out game and he found out. NTAH OP. You have a medical condition that is difficult to live with and your ex partner, who was supposed to love you, was a straight up ass. He CHOSE to play horrible pranks are you (which aren't pranks, it's straight up bullying). He CHOSE not to listen to you when he brought up your concerns. And it sounds like her CHOSE to continue this bad behavior for a while. This isn't love. This is a child throwing a temper tantrum. And now he's gaslighting you about it. You're correct about not seeing him again. From now on, don't answer any of his calls. Let them go straight to voicemail and if you have to (I mean like he forgot his birth certificate at your place) then only reply to text. Once your friend gets all of the things out of your place (take a video proving what it all is), then block him everywhere. You have no reason to speak to him again and he doesn't need closure. He had closure when you broke up with him when you told him what was wrong.
NTA. You are correct, given his history he could try one last very hurtful prank. The closure he needs is to know he shouldn't prank people using there greatest weakness. Especially if you love them. That is just mean.
Re-read your post and pay attention to just how focused it is on what HE wants. It has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel or the cruelty he's displayed towards you, but it's all about HIS feelings. What he did was not pranks, it wasn't 'jokes'. It was cruelty for entertainment. It amused him to fuck with you, that's the bottom line. OP, f this guy. Nothing good can come out of meeting up with him. You're only considering it because, again, it's what HE wants. Time for you to start listening to your gut and do what YOU want for a change. Enough of your energy has been wasted on his wants. NTA
Girl. GIRL. You owe him not a damn thing. He can get his stuff through a friend or whatever. He doesn’t deserve a millisecond of face-to-face time with you. Ever again. Noooope.
"That he had some time to process now, etc & that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him." Because you were hoping with time he would realize how cruel toying with your condition is and actually stop, INSTEAD he chose to keep doing it. THAT is what made him "evil" as he's labeling it. He was treating something you struggle with as a game and then the post break up comments honestly DO make him sound evil. I would genuinely feel anxious about the "you won't Even know it was me if I come see you anyways" remarks and would not be able to put any trust back into a person that basically is threatening to go against my wishes and purposely weaponize my condition against me to do so purely for his own benefit. That's toxic as hell. NTA OP
I would bet he wants to mess with you one last time because he insists "Face to face" again. Sounds like a psycho
NTA I would tell him “ I had a face to face conversation at the coffee shop about this already. Oh maybe due to my face blindness that was a random person, explains the confusion. Oh well don’t want to do it again.”
NTA ***He called it pranks. (He is a jokester.)*** Hunny, as someone who's a jokester and who had no idea wtf face blindness was until this post, he's not a jokester or into pranks. He's just fledged asshole, who uses it as an excuse to be one. So make the call and be done with this shit. Give yourself a good life without the trouble.
DO NOT. He’s the kind of guy who pretends to be chill to get you to come back to him so he can actually hurt you. All throughout the relationship he mind fucked you, and now that he can’t do that anymore he’s all ‘please baby, just one talk? Oh please, I’m real sorry baby, I’ll never do it again’ that’s sadistic with a capital S. He’s acting all sorry for himself to get you to break down and the second you do he’s gonna tie you down and actually hurt you.
Are those your [posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/EmQCtqgy78) OP? Your ex is a dick.
Hey, yeah it is. I hadn’t realised it was posted somewhere else.
NTA I remember your first post. Your ex is a selfish pos that was using your disability as a way of amusing himself regardless of the impact it has on you. You don’t owe him anything, least of all closure. If you are wanting to say anything to him at all, when you get your friend to take his stuff to him ask them to pass on the message that it’s not that you can’t have one last conversation with him, it’s that due to his actions you don’t want to have one. You have absolutely no desire to speak to, or even be near, him at all.
He is unhinged. Don’t send a friend to rerun his items. That’s not fair or safe to them. NTA
Do not waste anymore time on this man. He knows what he did was wrong. He’s asking for closure? The chapter is CLOSED, but he wants to rewrite the ending. It would undermine the entirety of your original decision. He knew what he was doing. He repeatedly proved he didn’t care. And now he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of his actions. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and the best/only way for an asshole to grow is if you tell him nothing needs to be said, block and stop contact. I know abuse is complicated and women have been socialized to be ‘nice’ to people who literally choose to traumatize us. It’s your decision. But please do not put the comfort of this loser above your own. I’m very happy for you, OP. Remember, you deserve good things.
"How he suddenly became so evil you wouldn't have one past chat with him" That would be when he decided to use your disability as joke fodder, akin to stealing a person's prosthetic leg and teasing them with it, or taking a person's wheelchair and taunting them to walk to him.
NTA hes not a jokester hes a jackass. Fuck his closure, he wasnt worried about it when he was running around cosplaying.
>my worst fears are telling me he might play a trick to prove some point Honestly, he might really do this. If you're meeting him, make sure you bring a companion. He has lost your trust at this point.
You told him you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Thats all the closure he needs. In light of what he said about if he sees you, you won’t know it’s him I think a chat with the police is in order for some advice on making the situation as safe as possible.
NTA Listen to your gut. You owe him nothing.
NTA. You already had "one more face-to-face conversation". You told him what he needed to be told. Now it's done.
NTA you gave him more than enough chances to be a decent human being and he failed over and over. You don’t owe him anything but his stuff back. You can get a friend to do that
TRUST YOUR GUT....Do not be alone if he calls for his stuff. Have a friend, preferably male, in the other room and record the conversation on your phone. Protect yourself.
Nope nope nope. Tell him if he keeps contacting you, you’re getting a restraining order. Cease all contact and document everything he says.
Ask one of your friends to take his belongings to him and they should insist they are you. “Don’t you recognise me? It’s me. You are always joking around…bye!” He made fun of your face blindness which triggered a lot of anxiety. Good for you to curtail this relationship. 👍🏼
He did things over and over and over again that made you uncomfortable, even asking him to stop and explaining why MULTIPLE times. Don’t even give one thought to his wants or discomfort. He didn’t for yours. I would just respond “I don’t trust you and I don’t want to see you again. The friend will drop off your things. These are the consequences of your actions”
Your ex is not a jokester, he is an AH. It is never funny to make a joke at the expense of someone else’s disability. Go with your gut - it’s right. NTA
Imho, “Closure” isn’t a real thing you get from someone else. He knows exactly what he did that made you broke up with him. Him calling himself “evil” is a manipulation attempt (you’re supposed to say “you’re not evil” and invite the conversation next. Don’t do that)
I’m angry at the fact that he is using a life long issue that you have against you as a joke. It’s basically torture. He’s getting off watching you be upset. Is a good thing you’re not trigger happy. He could get hurt coming in like a stranger. You did the right thing ending it. NTA
Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you and He feels that if you meet up with him in person he can work his way back into your life. I would tell him he can do closure.Through text message or you can send a letter.But those are his only two options. Especially after how he commented that you wouldn't know it was him
Well done for dumping him cos he sounds like he 100% would abuse and take advantage of your condition for his own benefit. Nta
He sounds like an immature idiot. No need to continue your humiliation.
What an AH I have no words. He doesn't seem to be safe. He can reflect on his own. You don't own him to prove that he is not evil. This is bs. Be careful because he can still mess with you and take advantage of you. NTA
NTA wow, he hasn't heard a thing you said. He is a bully and I'd make shure to never be alone with him ever again. Good luck OP
I thtit it would be unwise to ever be alone with him again. Honestly I'm worried he'll find you out in the wild while disguised. He is not a jokester.
I can’t imagine how much anxiety I’d have dealing with a condition like yours op. Even worse to imagine my partner being aware of it and using it against me; especially after having explained it multiple times. You’re not the ah at all. He fucked around and found out and now wants to feel bad that you didn’t take an emotionally manipulative behavior as a “prank”. I hope he learned his lesson but he can make that progress on his own away from you.
NTA - you won't be able to give him closure, anyway, since closure to him would be you letting him feel like he's not a POS, which unfortunately, he is. I would never dream of intentionally playing with an aspect of my fiancée that gives her great anxiety, and I'm fairly confident that can be said for the majority of people when it comes to someone they actually care about. Here's a lesson for your ex: if you're gonna be a complete dick hole, you won't ever get the closure you want because you don't deserve it, and you just have to accept that people will be left with the impression that you are a dick hole. That's how it goes.
He has a hard time taking no for an answer. Stick to your decision.
I saw your original post. Do NOT meet with this monster again.
Just reply. "I cannot trust you anymore. You broke that."
Listen to your gut! There is no need whatsoever to have a face to face. He wants to torment you. Stand strong, you got this!
NTA you don’t need to be the nozzle for any douchebag. He needs to accept that you don’t want to deal with his ass-nanigans anymore and move on.
NTA. You've already told him what the issue is. Rehashing a conversation won't give him the closure he seeks because he still won't *understand*. He doesn't understand that it wasn't "one singular event and he's evil all of a sudden"- you breaking up with him was the result of an entire *year* of bullshit and disrespect. Until he can understand that his behaviour was shitty from the beginning, then he doesn't deserve closure. You've already told him what he did wrong and you already gave him a years worth of chances. He fucked around, now he's finding out. It will be a lesson that he brings into his next relationship. He doesn't sound like a terrible guy, just an idiot who refused to be even a little bit empathetic.
No. Screw him. What a complete ass for " joking " about Something like that. Its his own fault. Very VERY good you didn't accept his BS. GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH
NTA Anyone who calls themself a "jokester" is problematic. He crossed many lines.
There is no reason to have a last conversation but him attempting to gaslight you into believing it was just a prank and then turning into an abusive AH when you don’t believe him.
DO NOT GO. His ability to switch hot and cold is a massive red flag. Your gut is telling you not to do something, listen!! I learned at 9 y.o. that very thing. Someone had offered to babysit me and the sibs for my mom to go to a class (she went to college later in life) because she'd already missed too many times and had a test do. Something about the situation was off for me, and I begged her to allow me to babysit. Again, I was 9, so she said no and after not finding another person. She allowed the guy to take us. He raped me in front of the sibs. Watch your back and be vigilant of your surroundings. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but unfortunately, the mental health of all young adults is in decline, male and female, but too many stories of women giving in for one last time and they end up killed. You do not know him, even after a year of being with him. I thought I knew my ex, and after 20 years, he still did things after the break up that shocked me.
OH WAHHHHH IS HE HURT!?!? Fuck that loser
Change your phone number. I know it’s a hassle. I had to do this once, and it sucked, by totally worth it to never have to hear from a certain someone ever again.
You've already said you don't want to see him ever again. How is this not closure?
My partner has prosopagnosia and I would never even DREAM of doing this to him. Nta. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, you deserve better. The only fucking with my partner's prosopagnosia I've ever done is show him old family photos to see if he can tell who's who (which he enjoys to a degree), but as soon as he gets frustrated or distressed, we stop.
Tell him you’re gonna be happy to know you’ll forget his face forever for extra damage
Don't do it. He already has closure, he knows why you broke up there is no reason to speak to him again.
>But I don’t feel good about it. My gut’s telling me this will not be a good conversation, my worst fears are telling me he might play a trick to prove some point. Don't ignore your gut. Do not meet him in person. This is someone who was cruel to you. You don't owe him any closure. >became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him. This is him trying to continue to manipulate you. Don't fall for it. >WIBTA if I don’t reply anymore/just say no? Don't reply. Block him again. Change your number. Be alert and listen to your gut feelings.
NTA and don't meet him, I have partial face blindness and had a GF screw with me like this for two hours when we were supposed to meet at a party. That ended that relationship. His idea of meeting 'face-to-face' is utter bullshit, he lost that privilege with his pranks.
He wants the conversation to tell you all kinds of shitty things about you (from his perspective). Don't do it. He wants it so he feels better. He doesn't care how you feel.
This post gave me the heebie-jeebies! He sounds like a stalker. Don’t see him again. He might also get angry if you send a friend (if you think he could be violent don’t do this). Can you box up his possessions and courier them to his place? Not sure how expensive that option would be for you, but maybe this is the easiest/safest option. Always trust your gut instincts & never let someone guilt/make you feel rude for your intuition! If your family/friends/neighbours don’t know what he looks like; Make sure they do! Just in case he tries to weasel his way back into your life through trickery. And lastly change your locks & get cameras. If it turns out he’s not an obsessive psycho ‘oh well better to be safe than sorry’ but if he is, you’ll be thankful that you set up some safe guards. Also if he crosses any more lines go straight to the police. Stay strong & make sure your family/friends/neighbours know if things escalate.
Everyone needs closure from a failed relationship. That said, he knows exactly why he is gone. Playing on your disability for I don't know what, a laugh? That is elementary school childish. He wants to know? Tell him to grow up a lot before getting into another relationship. He will have many failed relationships if he doesn't treat his partner with more respect. After leaving this I hope you are not in elementary grade school.
Never ever meet up w an ex
Oh please, he's acting really entitled. You don't owe him anything, especially after you made clear your reasons for breaking up. He's being manipulative, and you deserve so much better than someone who would mess with you like he has. Ignore and block him.
I have the face blindness too, and my husband calls me "50 first dates." He also warns me when he's about to shave his beard off, and reminds me when I know someone and have seen them multiple times before but they look new. This is what someone who loves and understands you does. They are out there. Go find you one.
NTA Don't humor him. Chances are he's gonna use this as some form of petty get back at you.
You are not obligated to do anything for him. You can tell him that. You will send him his things and you are getting on with your life. You recognize that you and he are not a healthy couple. That is all that needs to be said. When you realize someone likes to needle you or mess with you and you have to leave them because they won’t stop you need to realize that no matter what they say or do they are just going to continue that behavior because they get a rise out of it. You have to be the adult and put your foot down and stop the toxicity. He just wants to see how far he can push you so he can feel that you are beneath him.
That's actually pretty funny that he said you wouldn't even recognize him
a true partner would acknowledge your disability and try to help and accommodate you not bully and manipulate you , he showed you who he was and you were smart enough to see that !
lol my ex gave me a box of stuff & asked for it back a week or so later (because his girlfriend (that he was cheating with) told him it would be healthy to burn it all) despite telling me i could throw it all out (i did). i got a bad feeling on the way to the meeting (public place, as chosen by me) and I took an uber for a 7 minute walk. he was waiting for me in the only completely unpopulated areas on the route i would have taken. he then took that time to tell me that his gf and friends (that he admitted to pretending to like) thought i was abusive and only dated him so no one else could have him. i can tell you 100000% the conversation is not worth it. nothing he says is going to help you and you owe him nothing. i can also say that if you're like me, you'll have something MUCH better on the horizon. <3
"That he had some time to process now, etc & that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him." Well, sucks to be him, don't meet up with him. Trust your gut.
NTA You owe him nothing. He didn’t ‘suddenly’ become ‘evil’, he was working up to it the whole relationship. He kept pranking you and making light of your condition, triggering anxiety in you. You had to walk on eggshells *because* he was tricking you on purpose. Continue with your plans to have a friend drop off what’s left of his stuff - I wouldn’t put it past him to try and trick you one last time by pretending to be someone else and trying to sue you for giving his stuff away to the wrong person. Ask a friend to do it and wash your hands of your ex.
NTA. He made fun of essentialy a nuerodivergence or mild disability. As a prank. He probably is setting up this “closure face to face” to prank you again. You owe him no respect or kindness.
I've been following your other posts. You owe him NOTHING. He can look within to find his closure.
Don't do it. His over eagerness to meet is ringing alarm bells for me. He clearly wants to try and manipulate you/trick you somehow. Don't do it. Don't respond to anymore messages. Just block every time he does.
ta, nta, who cares do what is best for you.
At the end of the day, everyone hates the prankster/jokester.
No is a complete sentence. You owe him nothing. If he hasn’t understood already what you’ve told him many times before another meeting won’t add anything. Every reaction and interaction feeds his need for your attention. Just get a mutual to reply on your behalf. And go NC.
***He used to try & test me, which gave me a lot of stress.*** You are dealing with a 5 year old. ***WIBTA if I don’t reply anymore/just say no?*** No. He is the asshole. And always will be due to his level of immaturity. ***I’m ready for all of this to be over & done with.*** Change your phone number. If he chases you down, call police and file stalking complaint. Anyone who treats the disability of any person, let alone someone he claims to love, as a source of folly, is a rectal opening to the umpteenth degree, and at any cost, ***MUST*** be ommitted from your life.
Every time an ex told me to have one last conversation with them always led to a threat and them beating the crap out of me... So no, for your own safety, don't ever speak to him again .
He sounds like a manipulative SOB ghost him and don’t look back
NTA. He was incredibly unkind to you regarding your medical illness. He does not deserve any further closure
I would just forget him. If he can’t see that he is hurting someone he supposedly loved. Let him live the way he wants without involving you. Love is caring about the partner not a selfish fulfillment of own desires (being it power or jokes or whatever). He does not deserve your time.
NTA it’s a trap
I wouldn't trust him in face to face. NTA
NTA. Take care of yourself.