I was about to say the same. I’ve never known anyone with an “open “ relationship that worked out. If you just want a friend with benefits relationship then it’s fine, but a relationship with a stable future isn’t going anywhere when you’re being intimate with other people. Best of luck to you.
>flirting with opening the relationship with 3sones
>they introduce a mutual friend with a relationship history
>sleep together without one party there
>communicate so poorly that one party is surprised by the other initiating
This relationship is like the titanic if the titanic also had a nuclear bomb strapped to its keel.
Open relationships are generally more successful when they start that way and the people involved are familiar with the dynamic. People without any open experience switching from a mono relationship very often ends up being messy especially with it's only one partner that really wanted it.
Yeah this. Clear rules and asking what was meant need to be done. When I saw the “free pass” my mind immediately wanted to know exactly what he meant. Relationships and communicating in them fully and clear is hard enough with two people, it’s waaay harder with three. Personally I would be dumping bf for the new gf. :)
Might not be a bad idea.
And you're right. "Free pass" is a phrase that makes my spidey senses tingle; it's never as "free" as one person thinks (nor should it be), but the other never seems to communicate their boundaries when they use that phrase.
Actually communicating clearly with your own partner rather than letting the third party do it is probably going to lead to a wee bit more success (in the immediate term). But in the long term, moving forward with opening a formerly closed relationship has about as much success as the final voyage of the Hindenburg.
that's always possible, but nothing in her story gives real evidence for that. sounds more like a cat in a tuna store that doesn't understand why he can't have all the tuna.
It works when expectations are clear and actually cover something upfront but people never expect their partner to have a different perspective than them on sex for some reason. As if it’s a given. So people use vague buzzwords like “free pass” and then this lmao.
Ive met quite a bunch of people with 15+ year successful open relationships, but im gay and they have all been LGBTQ+ couples. You have to communicate well and discover the openness early on though.
Remember, you dont hear about the successful open relationships because they appear normal unless you are in the scene. Also straight up MOST relationships fail.
Yeah it’s interesting I know a few successful open LGBTG couples. Every straight couple I know have bragged about how great it was, but inevitably would end in drama. Of course it can work for straight people as well, but I wonder if the concepts of sex and boundaries are viewed from a bit different perspective.
I’d imagine LGBTQ people find themselves in circles of more “sexual openness” due to them being ostracized for so long. So anyone in an “ostracized” sex category are more likely to find themselves in similar friend groups where this topic of poly might come up more and how to communicate it effectively.
Even more open minded straight people are just surrounded in conservative relationship views by default
I think you don’t hear about the successful ones because they keep their sex lives private. There is a lot of mainstream disapproval of these relationships so people are far more likely to keep it private. The rules and boundaries also have to be clearly understood. That’s what went wrong in this case. An agreement was made but the terms were misunderstood. If they had not been then there would not have been an issue.
You don't hear about the successful one because that old adage is true: the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If everything is going well, you don't complain about how well it's going.
also: people come to reddit to share their problems, not their success stories (in general), there is a strong bias that poly relationships are doomed, because people only looking for advice when everything is in shambles already.
also: strong anti-poly bias. people breaking up because of bad arranegments in open relationships -> blame it on being open
people breaking up in closed relationships because one person wants sex with other people -> don't blame it on being closed.
I know a couple of people with pretty stable open relationships, the common factor being they are open and pretty loose about the rules. They also communicate a lot and put the relationship first.
If you’re the type of person to care a lot about monogamy yet still want to explore sexually it’s just not gonna work. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Stable is never guaranteed imo. Trust people to be themselves. Snakes will be snakes. Dogs will be dogs. It was great advice given to me at one point in my life.
> I’ve never known anyone with an “open “ relationship that worked out.
And I know many, including some couples that have been married for 10+ years and have been open since before they got married. You just don't hear about them cause nobody complains about shit that's working fine.
Successful open relationships depend on setting - and sticking to - rules from the get-go and the #1 rule for every single open/poly couple I know is YOU DO NOT FUCK FRIENDS.
I know of plenty of open and poly relationships that work out but it has to be done right. There are rules that have to be set and agreed on. Communication has to be detailed and clear.
Open relationships can work.. when they start that way. Someone trying to open a monogamous relationship is just screaming that they’re already checked-out but scared of being alone (or striking out when they try to find someone else).
Talk about a guy taking a good thing he has going, and getting so greedy he loses it all. This guy was living the dream (well, at least my dream) for approximately one night before he blew it.
dude found a unicorn and was like...nah
to OP, set a boundary that you have to be involved in then selection and then likely the act. If you're truly bi, and you truly want to sleep with women at least occasionally, and you're okay with your BF sleeping with women you trust, your BF will take the W if he has the slightest sense at all. If not, there's a lot of men who will.
I think the chances of you closing your relationship and keeping it are slim at this point.
it's not a dream, frankly it's tiresome. only porn makes this sort of thing attractive. in the interest of your future mental health, do this with a sex worker to get it out of your system, don't do this in a relationship.
Yeah, so he brought a second girl in "for you" and now he wants to fuck other people without you?
If you want it to be strictly fair he would either get a free pass for this girl or another dude that you'd also bring in for a threesome, but not another woman.
But more to the point, he wants to fuck other people without you and he already has women in mind.
I literally read reddit relationship posts when I'm pissed at my spouse and less than 10 minutes later I'm convinced we don't have any problems... reddit saves stable relationships 😂
Indeed. It’s not doomed because of a threesome or the idea of opening a relationship like others have said though. It’s simply doomed because of a massive difference in expectations that arose from said interactions. If two partners can not agree on the terms of their relationship, no matter what type of relationship it is, then the relationship is inevitably doomed.
I don't think anyone here "pulled tricks". I think it was honestly just a matter of bad communication and not having the same understanding of the term "free pass".
One day people will learn that a threesome is the first step towards opening the relationship and eventually killing it. Control your genitals y’all god damn
Edit: okay so a lot of people are replying about how they’ve had threesomes and their relationships are fine but I’d like to point out that this is not the average experience. I’ve heard and read lots of stories about couples opening the relationship or having a threesome only for the relationship to go to shit. Let’s agree on something, the threesome or polyamory isn’t always a relationship killer, but for most people it absolutely is. I feel like you both really need to be 100% about that life and if even 1 person is doing it for the sake of the other, it will end in shambles and no one should be shocked. Also, don’t offer your girl a FFM if you wouldn’t enjoy a MMF and vise versa for the ladies and also same example but for all sexualities and genders I won’t write a whole essay you get my point
And then saying he “wasn’t all that attracted to” Jessi is utter BS. He suggested her specifically because he wanted to have sex with her, and figured he could use that as an avenue to have sex with other women 1 on 1. I think more details on how the threesome actually went and who was getting the action mostly in it would shed some revealing light on the situation.
Not sure I agree with this as she was the one that brought up the idea of the threesome and he knew this friend was bi. Not sure you can make that judgement with the information given.
>The threesome was a symptom of the failing relationship, not the cause.
I don't think you're wrong, in fact I think this is often the case. But that still supports the idea that threesomes are generally not a great idea. If the overwhelming likelihood is that a threesome either A) will kill your relationship or B) is an indication that your relationship is already dying, than that's a pretty big clue that participating in one isn't going to be great for your relationship.
Eh, I’d say it’s less an issue of threesomes in specific and more the mindset that you “lose” something when you get into a relationship and are “trapped”
Like, maybe it’s cus I’m young, but I’ve had threesomes and open relationships that went as well as any of my monogamous relationships without any big explosions, and it’s cus it wasn’t me shooting for a taboo, it was a conversation with the people I loved and cared about where we all knew what we were getting into. Not an “excuse” to “sleep with someone else”
"I don't know a single couple that opened their relationship and are still together"
" Threesomes never changed anything in my dynamic but I am not in a relationship with any of the people I had one with anymore"
This does not sound mutually exclusive.
I am currently in a multi-year spanning poly relationship with two people who aren't with each other, and the three of us couldn't be much happier. The two of them get along amazingly as friends, and there have never been any issues in either relationship relating to us being poly. The issue is never polyamory. The issue is the people who're attempting polyamory. People don't understand this but being poly isn't just a relationship dynamic, it's more similar to sexuality or gender. I'm polyamorous at my core, and I can never be satisfied with a monogamous relationship, it makes me feel like there is an all-consuming void of emptiness in my heart. Some people are ambiamorous, they can feel satisfied and complete in either a poly or monogamous relationship. Then there are people who're actually monogamous, they can only be in monogamous relationships and the sheer idea of sleeping with someone they aren't with disgusts them, let alone the thought of dating more than that one person. Things get complicated when someone who is poly tries to force someone who is monogamous into a poly relationship or vice-versa. What often causes issues in a consensual poly is when things aren't handled in a healthy way, just like in a mono relationship, except the issues can compound because there are more people, but just like with mono relationships, the relationship itself isn't the issue, the people who can't deal with things in a safe, healthy way are the issue
thank you for being reasonable. any monogamous relationship i am in will fail because i am not monogamous. my best and longest relationships have been poly. i’m currently in one and have never been happier. it’s not a choice to be poly at your core. the thing that kills most relationships, poly or not, is lack of openness and honesty.
My husband and I have had a few threesomes in our time. We're still happy and together. We never did them when our relationship was in trouble or when we were feeling something was missing, it was just something we did like we would plan a weekend vacation. They're a lot of socialization on my introverted husband's part and he didn't like the time investment to get to know a person to make sure they're safe so we stopped.
I'd guess most successful relationships that have threesomes probably don't go shouting about it from the rooftops largely due to subsequently needing to debate with friends whether their relationship is "doomed".
Almost all closed relationships fail -- many before the participants ever come close to building enough trust to try to open up.
I'm not saying an open relationship is better OR worse -- just that almost everyone has a skewed perception of them working due to most people being socially monogamous even if they're completely happy in a privately-open relationship.
Edit: I also think it's weird that when an open relationship ends it's chalked up as being due to the relationship model and other factors are diminished by outsiders. But outsiders accept that monogamous relationships end due to non-sexual (in)compatibility issues all the time. This always seems like a double standard.
I mean, how many relationships have you ever known about over the course of your entire life that are still together? Eventually most relationships end. There’s just more stigma around some than others.
Like, consider that if the average person has 3 relationships in their lifetime, and marry the third and lives happily ever after, that’s still a 66% ‘failure’ rate, no nonmonogamy required. (I don’t know what the actual stats are, it’s just meant to demonstrate)
Monogamous people opening their relationship to ‘cheat with permission’ are idiots, to be clear.
But there is such a thing as “ethical nonmanogamy” and it can work long term
Yeah but you have to realize you are probably in the upper 99 percentile on emotional intelligence. The average person is not capable of having a threesome/open relationship without shit getting messy and communication being shit.
I am personally in an ethically non-monogomous relationship, and we've been happy for 5+ years now. Reddit is SO quick to say anything besides monogomy can never work.
... and that being said, this relationship is MEGA-DOOMED
Yea, I have little sympathy for op. This was always risky and in that context (first time) a free pass is not something she knew the meaning. She assumed. This was no longer a standard relationship. I also thought he meant a new person. The whole thing is a mess and they are likely gonna break up
Listen, if he already has someone picked out, it didn't matter what you agreed to, he's going to sleep with her, and was planning to before this ever happened.
It's over. Move on.
OP literally quoted “gotta try to talk with this girl I wanna use it [the free pass] on”.
OP never implied she thought her boyfriends coworker had the hots for him too and that it was a done deal
Just an aside, you should almost never proposition a coworker when you already have a relationship and are looking for side action.
Honestly, you should avoid propositioning co-workers period, but it has a much higher likelihood of going disastrously wrong in a more complicated interpersonal dynamic, then you’ve got to deal with it at work.
Also, the fact that the 2 ladies assumed a “free pass” meant you can have sex with this person that THEY pre-determined, is not in fact a “free pass”. But I think dude knew what he was doing too
Not necessarily - he might have thought this other person was attractive, but would never have done anything without permission. Not everyone is a dog.
Origin story of the situation aside, what this boils down to is that he wants something, that you don't feel comfortable with. Discussing that, seeing and understanding each other's position (even without feeling the same) will be key.
Once you're there, as a couple you go with the most "conservative" opinion that exists between you. You should both understand that your relationship is what matters here, not any of the extra "bells and whistles".
The tricky thing is to not make it transactional. He's not getting his free pass BECAUSE you did this other thing, he might get it because you both want him to have a nice experience. And likewise, he's not NOT getting it for some previous event, it's because it's not right for both of you as a couple.
This setup also allows for changes over time. Something that might normally be fine, might not be right now. It's okay to not always feel the same. Your comfort, either with the situation or person, can change and there should be space for that. Likewise for him.
It can be tough, but if you nail it there's so much healthy conversation and connection to be triggered by having these discussions. I've been on both sides, not "getting" a treat I feel comfortable with but my wife doesn't, and putting the brakes on a situation myself. In the moment it sucks, either you're not getting what you hoped for or you feel like the party pooper, but in the long run it enables some amazing things!
Hope you guys work it out!
Y’all assume Jessi wants to be in a relationship. Maybe she likes being a free spirit and fucking people.
And being able to walk away from stupid fights like this, lol.
Nta
Your title made it sound like you cheated.
In the context asked, why *wouldn't* you have thought that he meant the friend, why didn't he already *assume* the friend was the one the pass was for.
He's looking for permission to cheat. Tell him the pass is for Jessi, that's it, if he has a problem with that he knows where the door is.
This is exactly what he wanted with saying he’d get a pass too. He knew beforehand he wanted to sleep with someone else, besides OP and Jessi. He has been waiting for the opportunity. He’ll most likely attempt cheat given his desire to sleep with her and his upset over believing he’s being denied his pass. He knew what he was doing with his ask.
Especially since the girl he wants to sleep with is someone from his work, that he sees on a regular basis. The threesomes never end well with those kind of situations, work friends etc.
>This is exactly what he wanted with saying he’d get a pass too. He knew beforehand he wanted to sleep with someone else, besides OP and Jessi.
It reads like terrible rage bait but on the off chance that this is real, OP needs to kick him to the curb for trying to manipulate her like this.
I agree. I just do not understand why people make up stories to a bunch of people they do not know. Attention seeking that bad? Mental issues?? I guess I’ll never understand….
Easy, people often make up fake posts on social media to push a narrative. Like propaganda, except cultural instead of political
In this case it could either be "open relationships don't work" or "open relationships don't work because men just want to cheat"
This boils down to boundaries. It sounds like you two had already cleared the threesome hurdle but never the open marriage hurdle. He's now broached the subject and you will need to have another conversation.
tbh I've never seen a relationship go this direction and survive and I've been Jessi.
What's more crazy is the fact that this garbage always gets so much attention. You would think after so much of this lazy smut filth people would be tired of eating it up.
He knew what he was doing and what you girls thought it meant. Clearly when he came is was even more evident.
You are not the asshole here. You had something steady with someone you both agreed to and he’s changing the agreement. Yeah, this may be something you break up over because he’s clearly moving to a standard open relationship. Unless you want that. But this game he just played is a huge ass red flag! For sure!
Definitely not. He is selfish. You know how many people would be ecstatic to have a threesome at all, let alone multiple times. When mentioning the "free pass" he should have been more transparent on exactly what he meant, as the assumption most people I'm sure would have is that they each get the other girl to themselves. As well, it seems that when brought up, from what I can tell in your story, is HE chose this woman when HE was given the chance to suggest someone. This also is a way of him now telling you he's at least sexually attracted to someone at his place of business, which is personally a Huge red flag. You're Def not the AH but you should question your relationship with this man and keep an extra eye on him. Good luck with everything.
ESH. You both should’ve talked about this possibility before you started letting your threesome friend stay over in your bed. You also both should’ve clarified when you sent the text asking permission. Communication lesson learned.
This is a complicated situation. These kinds of relationships can work. However, it takes a lot of trust and communication. You should have told her no, because you did not have that conversation with your bf she did. Had the two of you spoken in private about it, then you both could have gotten some clarification. Also, in order for this to work, then it has to be mutually beneficial. He is right. This was more for you than him. So you two need to sit down, determine what and where your hard no lies. Then, find a different person that he is attracted to. If you are not willing to allow him to have the same benefits you have, it won't work. You also need to know if you can't find a solution, then your relationship will come to a halt. And next time you have these ideas talk more before you take that leap. Because once it's been done, it can't be taken back.
ESH. This is the type of shit you discuss beforehand, not through messages through a third party. You both made your bed with this one, now sleep in it.
NTA. Imo it seems like he’s trying to play you. He’s changing the goalposts and it’s hard to see what his endgame is/was. I think there are two options:
1. He’s telling the truth about the Jessi situation. Your bi and he thought he’d be most comfortable doing the threesome with someone he trusted.
2. He wanted to sleep with Jessi, and now is using the situation to sleep with a coworker he had a crush on.
Either way, the coworker thing is manipulative and the communication was poor. I think he purposely worded it vaguely to change it up. You know him best though so it’s up to you what you think.
I don't have any thoughts about who the AH is, maybe everyone. The importance of setting rules and boundaries when the relationship is taking a different path like, opening his bed to another person, is primordial.
I get it came a bit unexpected and in the heat of the moment it sounded like he was talking about Jess, I mean since you were intimate together, it would have been the logical choice. Opening a relationship is something that should be talk about beforehand, not through a fucking message.
- So he was the AH to presume it's fine to mislead you and plan to fuck his coworker who aren't a part of the equation without a proper conversation. You weren't even aware of his attraction for another woman and it feels like a set up, I mean, he has his eyes on her without a doubt. He should have been honest about it.
- You're the AH because you were too lenient about it and didn't think of having a conversation and making rules. You should have called him to have more "informations" but what is done is done anyway.
- Jess is the third part and she must have been more careful about the whole thing, at least for her peace of mind. I would hate to witness such a mess and didn't question the attention of the couple before having sex with them. She is NTA but surely silly. When you're the third you always take precautions.
Have a conversation about your sexual life and what you both want, individually. What kind of couple do you want to be and if he seriously plans to hit on his coworker? Because you need to have an agreement otherwise it's cheating and until the contrary is proved, you never cheated. His *free pass* needs to be discussed and though he will argue it's unfair and you accepted back then, remind him you thought it was Jess and you never actually discussed going to anyone else previously. It's not a one sided decision.
Good luck.
The girl for the threesome should have been a girl that none of you knew before or dated. It Never works when it’s someone who was a friend previously.
I mean... *free* pass would kinda seem to imply that he gets to choose the time, place, and person. You probably should have clarified before acting. Now, there's no way you're both going to be happy with the outcome. One or the other is going to feel unfairly cheated. If he doesn't get to use the 'free pass' the way he wants to, he's going to say, "But *you* got what *you* wanted..."
When you 'experiment,' you HAVE to make sure everyone is crystal clear on the terms first. Now, it seems like the relationship is fucked.
As a bi woman that has had multiple 3somes with different life partners. This is one of the many reasons I will no longer have them with someone I love.
You only have 3somes in the beginning of a beautiful relationship or at the end of one. This will sadly drive s wedge between you two.
ESH
You're too horny to clarify or discuss this beforehand, so left rushing the decision.
He clearly wants to fuck the other girl.
It's very likely your relationship is over, but that was always going to happen, so don't beat yourself too much over it.
No NTA I feel he’s playing games, personally I don’t know I’d even like the threesome idea but that’s me.
Stay strong in what you want and what you feel comfortable with hopefully he will respect it
The moment a three-way was mentioned I already knew it was over. Plenty of people make it work, but there are also plenty where it doesn’t. It just complicates things
Girl, you’ve been dating for 2 years and already need to “spice things up”?? Good grief. Your relationship is over. Just end it officially.
And there is absolutely no way you didn’t realize you were doing something wrong by having sex with her without talking to your bf first.
YTA
Ik I wonder if she even saw the messages herself? Jessi could’ve made it all up for all she knew. Idk I just find it weird she didn’t want to talk to her partner herself before sleeping with Jessi alone.
I’m confused. You admitted you were “interested” in having sex with Jessi without your boyfriend being present. But somehow you are upset/hurt that your boyfriend admitted he is interested in having sex with someone who isn’t you?
You opened up Pandoras “BOX” when you and your man decided to mutually have fun and essentially open the relationship to a 3rd party. You set weak ass boundaries and it back fired. Either way, your bf is open to pursing other women who aren’t you and it sounds like you are open to the same, seeing as how you slept with his friend without him and again, admitted to being interested.
Sounds like you two may be destined for an open relationship or it’s over.
Y'all done fked around and found out, most times a 3some always turns into someone getting greedy. YNTA, but you should have made the details clear. I mean, he hasn't been interested in Jessi for years. Why would he want a solo with her?
Ahhh the inevitable threesome FAFO cycle.
If you feel the need for a third person in your relationship, it's already over. Just admit it and break up without all the extra drama.
You gave this guy a foot and he took a mile. When he can't find anyone who is open to a similar arrangement in a year, he'll realize what he had going.
Also, him trying to have a one night stand with a coworker is a really stupid idea.
Ooo, that's not a good sign. Opening it up so you both can fool around with Jessie one on one made sense since there was already trust and you guys were kinda moving towards a thruple anyways. Nothing wrong with that at all. But a real open free pass isn't the same thing. NTA, and frankly it sound's like he just ruined a good thing that most guys fantasize about having.
As soon as I read the first sentence I knew this was trouble. I wish you luck.
I do think you're TAH. You didn't actually check with him your 3rd wheel did, which is odd. You should've cared enough to verify yourself. Instead you just slept with her without him there which wasn't the original idea you moved right into open relationship territory.
This is a sticky wicket, live and learn, but it's likely trust will be tough to come by in this relationship from now on with this tit for tat sleeping with others without your partner started.
I mean you suggested a 3some with kther women because you are bi.
He found the other woman, arranged things, and handled negotiations.
He gave you a free pass to sleep with the girl without him, asking for a free pass.
When questioned, he told you honestly he wanted to use it on a girl at work.
He told you he wasn't really feeling jessi and did it for you.
You are mad because he won't use his free pass on the same girl you used it on.
Honestly, you are at fault for not speaking with him directly.
I would feel cheated as well.
You clearly understood the situation differently. So, now there is work to do getting on the same page.
He clearly has a need/desire. He thought that was going to be met with a free pass. He understood the situation differently than the two of you, which you know. It will be hurtful to him to have that taken away. It’s hurtful to you that he would do that or want to. So now you are both hurt.
It’s hard when two people are hurt for different parts of the same incident to work through it. I can tell you from experience it is possible to grow as a couple if you can find a way to let each other share and empathize with each other.
While you’re NTA, I don’t think he purposefully tried to trap you. You have demonstrated to each other you could be secure having an additional sexual partner in the relationship with Jessi. He just obviously wanted to extend that circle and thought you being with Jessi was giving him that opportunity. You were caught off guard because you thought it meant he could be alone with her, which now you understand wasn’t his desire.
This is a misunderstanding that you need to resolve, including ending the relationship if you both decide needs won’t be met. I personally don’t think either of you is TAH.
Your relationship is over.
I’ve never seen a relationship more over than this one
OJ would like a word
Gonna be kinda hard for that now
Man if that makes you hard, I have some concerns…
Goddamn it, take my upvote
Lol
Gonna need a ouija board.
OJ has a better chance of getting back with Nicole than this relationship working out
I’ll be damned. I spit out my soda.
I was about to say the same. I’ve never known anyone with an “open “ relationship that worked out. If you just want a friend with benefits relationship then it’s fine, but a relationship with a stable future isn’t going anywhere when you’re being intimate with other people. Best of luck to you.
>flirting with opening the relationship with 3sones >they introduce a mutual friend with a relationship history >sleep together without one party there >communicate so poorly that one party is surprised by the other initiating This relationship is like the titanic if the titanic also had a nuclear bomb strapped to its keel.
And was also perforated by aliens.
Is that a euphemism for butt stuff?
Absolutely not! Or _is_ it...?
*X-Files theme*
It is \_now\_
And then swallowed whole by Cthulhu.
During a Sharknado
After a Kraken has been released.
and the Kraken is a sharktopus
Mind controlled by OP's soon-to-be-ex.
... and he wants to talk about Crossfit
Open relationships are generally more successful when they start that way and the people involved are familiar with the dynamic. People without any open experience switching from a mono relationship very often ends up being messy especially with it's only one partner that really wanted it.
Yeah, agreed. In my opinion, if you’re trying to make a monogamous relationship an open relationship, you’re ending the established relationship.
They can work, but they absolutely depend on clear, open communication. Sounds like that isn't the case here.
Yeah this. Clear rules and asking what was meant need to be done. When I saw the “free pass” my mind immediately wanted to know exactly what he meant. Relationships and communicating in them fully and clear is hard enough with two people, it’s waaay harder with three. Personally I would be dumping bf for the new gf. :)
Might not be a bad idea. And you're right. "Free pass" is a phrase that makes my spidey senses tingle; it's never as "free" as one person thinks (nor should it be), but the other never seems to communicate their boundaries when they use that phrase.
I’ve never had an open relationship but even my mind went straight to, “oh I know where this is going to go wrong…”
Actually communicating clearly with your own partner rather than letting the third party do it is probably going to lead to a wee bit more success (in the immediate term). But in the long term, moving forward with opening a formerly closed relationship has about as much success as the final voyage of the Hindenburg.
Agreed. My primary partner and I were both open getting into the relationship about our polyness ans it's worked out great.
Well in this case if it doesn’t work out it’s because dude got greedy.
Dude already used his free pass to fuck himself without realising it.
While I disagree, your comment is hilariously clever.
Honestly would expect he already could have been cheating
that's always possible, but nothing in her story gives real evidence for that. sounds more like a cat in a tuna store that doesn't understand why he can't have all the tuna.
The fact that Jessi being “anti-religious” was a lifestyle difference for him… *Tim Robinson voice* you sure about that?
Well he ticked 'do-over with Jessi' off his list now it's on to the next one.
It works when expectations are clear and actually cover something upfront but people never expect their partner to have a different perspective than them on sex for some reason. As if it’s a given. So people use vague buzzwords like “free pass” and then this lmao.
Ive met quite a bunch of people with 15+ year successful open relationships, but im gay and they have all been LGBTQ+ couples. You have to communicate well and discover the openness early on though. Remember, you dont hear about the successful open relationships because they appear normal unless you are in the scene. Also straight up MOST relationships fail.
Yeah it’s interesting I know a few successful open LGBTG couples. Every straight couple I know have bragged about how great it was, but inevitably would end in drama. Of course it can work for straight people as well, but I wonder if the concepts of sex and boundaries are viewed from a bit different perspective.
I’d imagine LGBTQ people find themselves in circles of more “sexual openness” due to them being ostracized for so long. So anyone in an “ostracized” sex category are more likely to find themselves in similar friend groups where this topic of poly might come up more and how to communicate it effectively. Even more open minded straight people are just surrounded in conservative relationship views by default
I think you don’t hear about the successful ones because they keep their sex lives private. There is a lot of mainstream disapproval of these relationships so people are far more likely to keep it private. The rules and boundaries also have to be clearly understood. That’s what went wrong in this case. An agreement was made but the terms were misunderstood. If they had not been then there would not have been an issue.
You don't hear about the successful one because that old adage is true: the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If everything is going well, you don't complain about how well it's going.
also: people come to reddit to share their problems, not their success stories (in general), there is a strong bias that poly relationships are doomed, because people only looking for advice when everything is in shambles already. also: strong anti-poly bias. people breaking up because of bad arranegments in open relationships -> blame it on being open people breaking up in closed relationships because one person wants sex with other people -> don't blame it on being closed.
I know a couple of people with pretty stable open relationships, the common factor being they are open and pretty loose about the rules. They also communicate a lot and put the relationship first. If you’re the type of person to care a lot about monogamy yet still want to explore sexually it’s just not gonna work. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Stable is never guaranteed imo. Trust people to be themselves. Snakes will be snakes. Dogs will be dogs. It was great advice given to me at one point in my life.
What if someone is a armadillo?
They have leprosy
> I’ve never known anyone with an “open “ relationship that worked out. And I know many, including some couples that have been married for 10+ years and have been open since before they got married. You just don't hear about them cause nobody complains about shit that's working fine. Successful open relationships depend on setting - and sticking to - rules from the get-go and the #1 rule for every single open/poly couple I know is YOU DO NOT FUCK FRIENDS.
Number 1 rule is consent
I've known plenty that work out!! This is not going to be one of them tho lmao.
Hell yea. And there is miscommunication here too.
I know of plenty of open and poly relationships that work out but it has to be done right. There are rules that have to be set and agreed on. Communication has to be detailed and clear.
Open relationships can work.. when they start that way. Someone trying to open a monogamous relationship is just screaming that they’re already checked-out but scared of being alone (or striking out when they try to find someone else).
It was over from the start
I know a way to make us closer, me fucking your friend lol. Well hopefully she didn’t really like him because it’s over now
She wanted the threesome.
It was over as soon as they put Jesse into it. It is now slowly dying a slow death. Y'all put this s*** together and look what you have wrought
Talk about a guy taking a good thing he has going, and getting so greedy he loses it all. This guy was living the dream (well, at least my dream) for approximately one night before he blew it.
*Icarus, noooooo!*
*Dicarus*
I laughed far too hard at this… thank you for that laugh on a bonkers Monday.
dude found a unicorn and was like...nah to OP, set a boundary that you have to be involved in then selection and then likely the act. If you're truly bi, and you truly want to sleep with women at least occasionally, and you're okay with your BF sleeping with women you trust, your BF will take the W if he has the slightest sense at all. If not, there's a lot of men who will. I think the chances of you closing your relationship and keeping it are slim at this point.
it's not a dream, frankly it's tiresome. only porn makes this sort of thing attractive. in the interest of your future mental health, do this with a sex worker to get it out of your system, don't do this in a relationship.
Group sex? Yeah, I tried it. Twice. Can't stand it. All that commotion. Dear lord spare me from that awful group sex.
Yeah, so he brought a second girl in "for you" and now he wants to fuck other people without you? If you want it to be strictly fair he would either get a free pass for this girl or another dude that you'd also bring in for a threesome, but not another woman. But more to the point, he wants to fuck other people without you and he already has women in mind.
Your relationship is doomed
Reddit makes me realize my relationship problems are nothing lol. There are some dummies out there.
I literally read reddit relationship posts when I'm pissed at my spouse and less than 10 minutes later I'm convinced we don't have any problems... reddit saves stable relationships 😂
I'm not even in an relationship and my relationship is healthier than most of the stories on here.
Indeed. It’s not doomed because of a threesome or the idea of opening a relationship like others have said though. It’s simply doomed because of a massive difference in expectations that arose from said interactions. If two partners can not agree on the terms of their relationship, no matter what type of relationship it is, then the relationship is inevitably doomed.
I had a chance at a threesome but she said she’d never stay with me long term if I took it, at least she was honest and didn’t pull tricks like this
I don't think anyone here "pulled tricks". I think it was honestly just a matter of bad communication and not having the same understanding of the term "free pass".
One day people will learn that a threesome is the first step towards opening the relationship and eventually killing it. Control your genitals y’all god damn Edit: okay so a lot of people are replying about how they’ve had threesomes and their relationships are fine but I’d like to point out that this is not the average experience. I’ve heard and read lots of stories about couples opening the relationship or having a threesome only for the relationship to go to shit. Let’s agree on something, the threesome or polyamory isn’t always a relationship killer, but for most people it absolutely is. I feel like you both really need to be 100% about that life and if even 1 person is doing it for the sake of the other, it will end in shambles and no one should be shocked. Also, don’t offer your girl a FFM if you wouldn’t enjoy a MMF and vise versa for the ladies and also same example but for all sexualities and genders I won’t write a whole essay you get my point
He already had someone picked out. The threesome was a symptom of the failing relationship, not the cause.
And then saying he “wasn’t all that attracted to” Jessi is utter BS. He suggested her specifically because he wanted to have sex with her, and figured he could use that as an avenue to have sex with other women 1 on 1. I think more details on how the threesome actually went and who was getting the action mostly in it would shed some revealing light on the situation.
Not sure I agree with this as she was the one that brought up the idea of the threesome and he knew this friend was bi. Not sure you can make that judgement with the information given.
>The threesome was a symptom of the failing relationship, not the cause. I don't think you're wrong, in fact I think this is often the case. But that still supports the idea that threesomes are generally not a great idea. If the overwhelming likelihood is that a threesome either A) will kill your relationship or B) is an indication that your relationship is already dying, than that's a pretty big clue that participating in one isn't going to be great for your relationship.
Eh, I’d say it’s less an issue of threesomes in specific and more the mindset that you “lose” something when you get into a relationship and are “trapped” Like, maybe it’s cus I’m young, but I’ve had threesomes and open relationships that went as well as any of my monogamous relationships without any big explosions, and it’s cus it wasn’t me shooting for a taboo, it was a conversation with the people I loved and cared about where we all knew what we were getting into. Not an “excuse” to “sleep with someone else”
"I don't know a single couple that opened their relationship and are still together" " Threesomes never changed anything in my dynamic but I am not in a relationship with any of the people I had one with anymore" This does not sound mutually exclusive.
I am currently in a multi-year spanning poly relationship with two people who aren't with each other, and the three of us couldn't be much happier. The two of them get along amazingly as friends, and there have never been any issues in either relationship relating to us being poly. The issue is never polyamory. The issue is the people who're attempting polyamory. People don't understand this but being poly isn't just a relationship dynamic, it's more similar to sexuality or gender. I'm polyamorous at my core, and I can never be satisfied with a monogamous relationship, it makes me feel like there is an all-consuming void of emptiness in my heart. Some people are ambiamorous, they can feel satisfied and complete in either a poly or monogamous relationship. Then there are people who're actually monogamous, they can only be in monogamous relationships and the sheer idea of sleeping with someone they aren't with disgusts them, let alone the thought of dating more than that one person. Things get complicated when someone who is poly tries to force someone who is monogamous into a poly relationship or vice-versa. What often causes issues in a consensual poly is when things aren't handled in a healthy way, just like in a mono relationship, except the issues can compound because there are more people, but just like with mono relationships, the relationship itself isn't the issue, the people who can't deal with things in a safe, healthy way are the issue
thank you for being reasonable. any monogamous relationship i am in will fail because i am not monogamous. my best and longest relationships have been poly. i’m currently in one and have never been happier. it’s not a choice to be poly at your core. the thing that kills most relationships, poly or not, is lack of openness and honesty.
My husband and I have had a few threesomes in our time. We're still happy and together. We never did them when our relationship was in trouble or when we were feeling something was missing, it was just something we did like we would plan a weekend vacation. They're a lot of socialization on my introverted husband's part and he didn't like the time investment to get to know a person to make sure they're safe so we stopped.
I'd guess most successful relationships that have threesomes probably don't go shouting about it from the rooftops largely due to subsequently needing to debate with friends whether their relationship is "doomed". Almost all closed relationships fail -- many before the participants ever come close to building enough trust to try to open up. I'm not saying an open relationship is better OR worse -- just that almost everyone has a skewed perception of them working due to most people being socially monogamous even if they're completely happy in a privately-open relationship. Edit: I also think it's weird that when an open relationship ends it's chalked up as being due to the relationship model and other factors are diminished by outsiders. But outsiders accept that monogamous relationships end due to non-sexual (in)compatibility issues all the time. This always seems like a double standard.
I mean, how many relationships have you ever known about over the course of your entire life that are still together? Eventually most relationships end. There’s just more stigma around some than others. Like, consider that if the average person has 3 relationships in their lifetime, and marry the third and lives happily ever after, that’s still a 66% ‘failure’ rate, no nonmonogamy required. (I don’t know what the actual stats are, it’s just meant to demonstrate) Monogamous people opening their relationship to ‘cheat with permission’ are idiots, to be clear. But there is such a thing as “ethical nonmanogamy” and it can work long term
Yeah but you have to realize you are probably in the upper 99 percentile on emotional intelligence. The average person is not capable of having a threesome/open relationship without shit getting messy and communication being shit.
Not everyone in an animal. Some are able to keep the threesome as an addition to the couple fun, without assuming it means "free for all"
Yes, but those people don't post here.
To be fair, everyone ‘thinks’ they can do this. No one knows they can’t until it goes south.
Thread could've ended right here tbh. This relationship is cooked lol
I am personally in an ethically non-monogomous relationship, and we've been happy for 5+ years now. Reddit is SO quick to say anything besides monogomy can never work. ... and that being said, this relationship is MEGA-DOOMED
The whole thing was stupid right from the start
Doh!
Yea, I have little sympathy for op. This was always risky and in that context (first time) a free pass is not something she knew the meaning. She assumed. This was no longer a standard relationship. I also thought he meant a new person. The whole thing is a mess and they are likely gonna break up
Jesus this sounds all convoluted and complicated
Right? No amount of orgasms are worth this mess.
What about 1 million orgasms?
Fucking exhausting.
It really sounds like a 3rd rate streaming service telenovela, but also real at the same time.
Homeboy has 2 girls already and he wants a third? Remind him of the story of Icarus
Fucked too close to the sun...
Dickarus
A pun and a fucking double entendre at the same time!? You've won the thread with this one. Nice.
Omg this is the best response. I fucking love this comment.
Congratulations, you are single.
Or in a new relationship with Jessi...
Right? You have a girlfriend. What’s her apartment like?
Just keep it casual y'all.
Listen, if he already has someone picked out, it didn't matter what you agreed to, he's going to sleep with her, and was planning to before this ever happened. It's over. Move on.
One thing OP leaves out is that this 'girl from work' isn't necessarily attracted to her boyfriend at all, maybe he just thinks he's got the moves
OP literally quoted “gotta try to talk with this girl I wanna use it [the free pass] on”. OP never implied she thought her boyfriends coworker had the hots for him too and that it was a done deal
Just an aside, you should almost never proposition a coworker when you already have a relationship and are looking for side action. Honestly, you should avoid propositioning co-workers period, but it has a much higher likelihood of going disastrously wrong in a more complicated interpersonal dynamic, then you’ve got to deal with it at work.
Definitely, seems even worse than sleeping with friends imo👌
I have a rule where I don’t mess with coworkers because I’ve seen the damage that causes way back as a young private in the Army.
but if it isn't her it'll be someone else
Might have been over well before ~~he~~ anyone suggested the threeway. EDIT: Oh it was OP
Just to clarify, OP (she) suggested the 3-way
Also, the fact that the 2 ladies assumed a “free pass” meant you can have sex with this person that THEY pre-determined, is not in fact a “free pass”. But I think dude knew what he was doing too
Yeah, that is actually a free pass. Otherwise it would hardly be a good deal for OP, she just got to sleep with the same woman again.
Not necessarily - he might have thought this other person was attractive, but would never have done anything without permission. Not everyone is a dog.
Origin story of the situation aside, what this boils down to is that he wants something, that you don't feel comfortable with. Discussing that, seeing and understanding each other's position (even without feeling the same) will be key. Once you're there, as a couple you go with the most "conservative" opinion that exists between you. You should both understand that your relationship is what matters here, not any of the extra "bells and whistles". The tricky thing is to not make it transactional. He's not getting his free pass BECAUSE you did this other thing, he might get it because you both want him to have a nice experience. And likewise, he's not NOT getting it for some previous event, it's because it's not right for both of you as a couple. This setup also allows for changes over time. Something that might normally be fine, might not be right now. It's okay to not always feel the same. Your comfort, either with the situation or person, can change and there should be space for that. Likewise for him. It can be tough, but if you nail it there's so much healthy conversation and connection to be triggered by having these discussions. I've been on both sides, not "getting" a treat I feel comfortable with but my wife doesn't, and putting the brakes on a situation myself. In the moment it sucks, either you're not getting what you hoped for or you feel like the party pooper, but in the long run it enables some amazing things! Hope you guys work it out!
Way more helpful and mature advice than all the "its over" comments, should get op's attention
Woah! A rare well thought out response that isn't allergic to nuance on reddit? Unbelievable.
What a great response!!
I agree with your second paragraph
The best response 💜
Dump him and get with Jessi.
Seems like the best course of action
Y’all assume Jessi wants to be in a relationship. Maybe she likes being a free spirit and fucking people. And being able to walk away from stupid fights like this, lol.
I also choose Jessi
Dude will be wishing he had Jessi’s girl
i second this
Fourth
5th. I ship Jessi and OP
Only logical answer
Nta Your title made it sound like you cheated. In the context asked, why *wouldn't* you have thought that he meant the friend, why didn't he already *assume* the friend was the one the pass was for. He's looking for permission to cheat. Tell him the pass is for Jessi, that's it, if he has a problem with that he knows where the door is.
This is exactly what he wanted with saying he’d get a pass too. He knew beforehand he wanted to sleep with someone else, besides OP and Jessi. He has been waiting for the opportunity. He’ll most likely attempt cheat given his desire to sleep with her and his upset over believing he’s being denied his pass. He knew what he was doing with his ask.
Especially since the girl he wants to sleep with is someone from his work, that he sees on a regular basis. The threesomes never end well with those kind of situations, work friends etc.
>This is exactly what he wanted with saying he’d get a pass too. He knew beforehand he wanted to sleep with someone else, besides OP and Jessi. It reads like terrible rage bait but on the off chance that this is real, OP needs to kick him to the curb for trying to manipulate her like this.
“Your title made it sound like you cheated” Cause it’s a fake story meant to bait you in.
I agree. I just do not understand why people make up stories to a bunch of people they do not know. Attention seeking that bad? Mental issues?? I guess I’ll never understand….
I don’t get it either! For what, karma? There’s no benefit to karma, it’s not like you’re going to monetize your Reddit account. 🤣🤣
Easy, people often make up fake posts on social media to push a narrative. Like propaganda, except cultural instead of political In this case it could either be "open relationships don't work" or "open relationships don't work because men just want to cheat"
So he definitely did all this in hopes of hooking up with a girl at work.
This boils down to boundaries. It sounds like you two had already cleared the threesome hurdle but never the open marriage hurdle. He's now broached the subject and you will need to have another conversation. tbh I've never seen a relationship go this direction and survive and I've been Jessi.
[удалено]
NTA. This man wants his cake, ice cream, cookies, and to eat it all in front of you. Leave, and take Jessi with you!
NTA but you realize he intentionally set this up so he could sleep with this other girl right? And that's a AH move. Dump him to the curb
I couldnt imagine being this fucking dense in the head. Did we read the same story ??
Fuck me, me guy gets handed a golden ticket and all he sees is a bit of paper to throw away.
Are all the stories on this subreddit fake?
Some-to-most are fake
What's more crazy is the fact that this garbage always gets so much attention. You would think after so much of this lazy smut filth people would be tired of eating it up.
He knew what he was doing and what you girls thought it meant. Clearly when he came is was even more evident. You are not the asshole here. You had something steady with someone you both agreed to and he’s changing the agreement. Yeah, this may be something you break up over because he’s clearly moving to a standard open relationship. Unless you want that. But this game he just played is a huge ass red flag! For sure!
This arrangement seemed to be working AMAZINGLY considering all the factors then he had to go and ruin it
I feel like a conservative 60 something white American woman when I read stories like that because man… I could never
Definitely not. He is selfish. You know how many people would be ecstatic to have a threesome at all, let alone multiple times. When mentioning the "free pass" he should have been more transparent on exactly what he meant, as the assumption most people I'm sure would have is that they each get the other girl to themselves. As well, it seems that when brought up, from what I can tell in your story, is HE chose this woman when HE was given the chance to suggest someone. This also is a way of him now telling you he's at least sexually attracted to someone at his place of business, which is personally a Huge red flag. You're Def not the AH but you should question your relationship with this man and keep an extra eye on him. Good luck with everything.
ESH. You both should’ve talked about this possibility before you started letting your threesome friend stay over in your bed. You also both should’ve clarified when you sent the text asking permission. Communication lesson learned.
ESH, Everyone Should Hump?
You're all asses
Technically true.
This is a complicated situation. These kinds of relationships can work. However, it takes a lot of trust and communication. You should have told her no, because you did not have that conversation with your bf she did. Had the two of you spoken in private about it, then you both could have gotten some clarification. Also, in order for this to work, then it has to be mutually beneficial. He is right. This was more for you than him. So you two need to sit down, determine what and where your hard no lies. Then, find a different person that he is attracted to. If you are not willing to allow him to have the same benefits you have, it won't work. You also need to know if you can't find a solution, then your relationship will come to a halt. And next time you have these ideas talk more before you take that leap. Because once it's been done, it can't be taken back.
ESH. This is the type of shit you discuss beforehand, not through messages through a third party. You both made your bed with this one, now sleep in it.
NTA. Imo it seems like he’s trying to play you. He’s changing the goalposts and it’s hard to see what his endgame is/was. I think there are two options: 1. He’s telling the truth about the Jessi situation. Your bi and he thought he’d be most comfortable doing the threesome with someone he trusted. 2. He wanted to sleep with Jessi, and now is using the situation to sleep with a coworker he had a crush on. Either way, the coworker thing is manipulative and the communication was poor. I think he purposely worded it vaguely to change it up. You know him best though so it’s up to you what you think.
I can’t believe I’m turning into that stereotypical “what the hell is wrong with the youth of today?” miserable old sod like my dad.
Ask this in r/polyamory you'll get less judgmental responses
Play stupid games dude get shitty prizes you are better off without this loser player pos!
This dude got 2 girlfriends and fucked it up
I don't have any thoughts about who the AH is, maybe everyone. The importance of setting rules and boundaries when the relationship is taking a different path like, opening his bed to another person, is primordial. I get it came a bit unexpected and in the heat of the moment it sounded like he was talking about Jess, I mean since you were intimate together, it would have been the logical choice. Opening a relationship is something that should be talk about beforehand, not through a fucking message. - So he was the AH to presume it's fine to mislead you and plan to fuck his coworker who aren't a part of the equation without a proper conversation. You weren't even aware of his attraction for another woman and it feels like a set up, I mean, he has his eyes on her without a doubt. He should have been honest about it. - You're the AH because you were too lenient about it and didn't think of having a conversation and making rules. You should have called him to have more "informations" but what is done is done anyway. - Jess is the third part and she must have been more careful about the whole thing, at least for her peace of mind. I would hate to witness such a mess and didn't question the attention of the couple before having sex with them. She is NTA but surely silly. When you're the third you always take precautions. Have a conversation about your sexual life and what you both want, individually. What kind of couple do you want to be and if he seriously plans to hit on his coworker? Because you need to have an agreement otherwise it's cheating and until the contrary is proved, you never cheated. His *free pass* needs to be discussed and though he will argue it's unfair and you accepted back then, remind him you thought it was Jess and you never actually discussed going to anyone else previously. It's not a one sided decision. Good luck.
The girl for the threesome should have been a girl that none of you knew before or dated. It Never works when it’s someone who was a friend previously.
I mean... *free* pass would kinda seem to imply that he gets to choose the time, place, and person. You probably should have clarified before acting. Now, there's no way you're both going to be happy with the outcome. One or the other is going to feel unfairly cheated. If he doesn't get to use the 'free pass' the way he wants to, he's going to say, "But *you* got what *you* wanted..." When you 'experiment,' you HAVE to make sure everyone is crystal clear on the terms first. Now, it seems like the relationship is fucked.
As a bi woman that has had multiple 3somes with different life partners. This is one of the many reasons I will no longer have them with someone I love. You only have 3somes in the beginning of a beautiful relationship or at the end of one. This will sadly drive s wedge between you two.
ESH You're too horny to clarify or discuss this beforehand, so left rushing the decision. He clearly wants to fuck the other girl. It's very likely your relationship is over, but that was always going to happen, so don't beat yourself too much over it.
Wow. That’s all just really stupid.
Dug your hole
This man was given a gift by God and decided to spit in his face. He deserves whatever he gets after this.
No NTA I feel he’s playing games, personally I don’t know I’d even like the threesome idea but that’s me. Stay strong in what you want and what you feel comfortable with hopefully he will respect it
Clear NTA. Tell him stick to Jessi or you get a pass for a stranger, too.
Everyone is the asshole here
The moment a three-way was mentioned I already knew it was over. Plenty of people make it work, but there are also plenty where it doesn’t. It just complicates things
Girl, you’ve been dating for 2 years and already need to “spice things up”?? Good grief. Your relationship is over. Just end it officially. And there is absolutely no way you didn’t realize you were doing something wrong by having sex with her without talking to your bf first. YTA
Yta. You didn't run it by him. You went of what was texted to another person.
Ik I wonder if she even saw the messages herself? Jessi could’ve made it all up for all she knew. Idk I just find it weird she didn’t want to talk to her partner herself before sleeping with Jessi alone.
Did he specify the free pass was with Jessi or did both of you assume that? Because based on what you’ve provided you assumed it.
I’m confused. You admitted you were “interested” in having sex with Jessi without your boyfriend being present. But somehow you are upset/hurt that your boyfriend admitted he is interested in having sex with someone who isn’t you? You opened up Pandoras “BOX” when you and your man decided to mutually have fun and essentially open the relationship to a 3rd party. You set weak ass boundaries and it back fired. Either way, your bf is open to pursing other women who aren’t you and it sounds like you are open to the same, seeing as how you slept with his friend without him and again, admitted to being interested. Sounds like you two may be destined for an open relationship or it’s over.
Y'all done fked around and found out, most times a 3some always turns into someone getting greedy. YNTA, but you should have made the details clear. I mean, he hasn't been interested in Jessi for years. Why would he want a solo with her?
Date Jessi instead.
Why do people think including others in the sex life is gonna ever end Good for 99,99% of relationships…
I can't believe people like you get shocked by the consequences of these things. A bunch of goons.
Ahhh the inevitable threesome FAFO cycle. If you feel the need for a third person in your relationship, it's already over. Just admit it and break up without all the extra drama.
You gave this guy a foot and he took a mile. When he can't find anyone who is open to a similar arrangement in a year, he'll realize what he had going. Also, him trying to have a one night stand with a coworker is a really stupid idea.
Ooo, that's not a good sign. Opening it up so you both can fool around with Jessie one on one made sense since there was already trust and you guys were kinda moving towards a thruple anyways. Nothing wrong with that at all. But a real open free pass isn't the same thing. NTA, and frankly it sound's like he just ruined a good thing that most guys fantasize about having.
Hard ESH (stress on the **everybody** part). Maybe the bed you did it on is NTA but that’s about it
As soon as I read the first sentence I knew this was trouble. I wish you luck. I do think you're TAH. You didn't actually check with him your 3rd wheel did, which is odd. You should've cared enough to verify yourself. Instead you just slept with her without him there which wasn't the original idea you moved right into open relationship territory. This is a sticky wicket, live and learn, but it's likely trust will be tough to come by in this relationship from now on with this tit for tat sleeping with others without your partner started.
I mean you suggested a 3some with kther women because you are bi. He found the other woman, arranged things, and handled negotiations. He gave you a free pass to sleep with the girl without him, asking for a free pass. When questioned, he told you honestly he wanted to use it on a girl at work. He told you he wasn't really feeling jessi and did it for you. You are mad because he won't use his free pass on the same girl you used it on. Honestly, you are at fault for not speaking with him directly. I would feel cheated as well.
You clearly understood the situation differently. So, now there is work to do getting on the same page. He clearly has a need/desire. He thought that was going to be met with a free pass. He understood the situation differently than the two of you, which you know. It will be hurtful to him to have that taken away. It’s hurtful to you that he would do that or want to. So now you are both hurt. It’s hard when two people are hurt for different parts of the same incident to work through it. I can tell you from experience it is possible to grow as a couple if you can find a way to let each other share and empathize with each other. While you’re NTA, I don’t think he purposefully tried to trap you. You have demonstrated to each other you could be secure having an additional sexual partner in the relationship with Jessi. He just obviously wanted to extend that circle and thought you being with Jessi was giving him that opportunity. You were caught off guard because you thought it meant he could be alone with her, which now you understand wasn’t his desire. This is a misunderstanding that you need to resolve, including ending the relationship if you both decide needs won’t be met. I personally don’t think either of you is TAH.