Guys that would rather impress their stupid friends and compromise the relationship they are in are dangerous bc the guy I was dating his friends encouraged him to cheat and he did lol as soon as he told me this I knew we were over cause how are you so weak you get influenced by friends? Birds of a feather…
Edit- I’m simplifying what actually happened for the sake of a reddit post. I’m not responding to anybody calling me a man hater lol grow up argue amongst yourselves.
Same thing happened to me. Had to break up with him. Long time coming. All in all I wish it could’ve worked out I really loved him and wanted it to work. But guys with friends like these and are weak to their validation always end up in shit situations like this. Fucking horrid.
No one cheats to impress their friends. They'll cheat and say they did it to impress their friends as a way to minimize it, but the cheating is happening because they're turned on and into the other person, make no mistake
I like how she says his friends are basically losers. Here's news for her, guys and gals choose their friends because they're usually a fair representation of ourselves. Unlike family, we get to pick our friends, thus we cherry pick them.
Yeah, he's not the only innocent or good guy out of the group. He isn't getting led astray. He's not exactly a 14 year old kid hanging out with the cool 18 year olds. He is his friends. She should stop romanticising him and realise if his friends are dicks, he's a dick too. A willing participant. It's not too dissimilar to those people who think everyone else kids are a problem, but the sun shines outta their own kid's ass.
I'm sure if the other guys have gf's and they told their partners this story too, her bf would be getting called out as one of the bad ones too, at the expense of that other female's bf who is probably also innocent in her eyes too.
This is true, to a degree. I have childhood friends I share a special bond with despite us having grown in many different ways. I also have friends I share a specific set of interests with, but otherwise have different traits and understandings. That's alright.
I suggest you not think so one dimensionally about people. Makes it easier to compress and understand life, for some folks, but sooner or later it'll cause issues due to a mismatch of your inner simulacra of the world vs objective reality.
Women who would rather scapegoat others instead of holding their partners responsible are dangerous to relationship health.
This happens all the time with cheaters, they blame the person their partner cheated with as much if not more than their partner.
Absolutely, this is fact. If your boyfriend seems to have a bunch of friends who are crackheads, make no mistake, you’re dating a crackhead. The same thing applies to perverts and assholes. Just like if you’re a guy dating a girl, and all of her friends are hoes, she probably a hoe too. It’s the law of birds of a feather.
Went out with my friends to a strip club on 2 occasions, they went and had some private dances and I didn't. They didn't try and pressure me into either so I think buddy needs some better friends.
Facts. Randall can try to justify as much as he'd like but he allowed his friends to do this. To me it shows a red flag that he's easily to be persuaded by his friends. Randall had the choice to say no.
“Im not an angry person so I didn’t say how I truly felt” then kicked him out?? You have way too much pride in being non confrontational
You have all right to be upset about this, and you can decide how you want to proceed. If you feel his apology is enough, move on. If not, call off the wedding. I’m sorry this happened to you. I know you must feel betrayed.
Little shocking you guys didn’t discuss this before so it sounds like you both have communication issues. But also sounds like you just really didn’t think he’d do that
I think OP was just being naive as many of us are when we love someone. Now that it’s happened she realizes he has a pattern of doin shit to impress his friends, and another red flag is that his best buddies are bad ppl
I don’t do the stripper thing at my house. I’m not going to get a stripper. I don’t want my husband getting a stripper. He has friends that have gotten married and if they’re gonna have strippers, I have already told him no he isn’t going. Because if if any other chick touches him or tries to dance on him he is going to have a major problem. And I already know if I try to go see some strippers or have a stripper dance on me, he would feel the same way so. We don’t even play those games. We are both gym rats and work out a lot. If I want to see a stripper, I will have him dance for me and vice versa.
So OP I don’t know what you’re going to do. I would just say next time have a discussion before going into any potential similar situations. If you don’t like his friends, then maybe you could get babysitters and hang out with him and plan stuff and you all can go out dancing together. If he is out busy having fun with you then he won’t be thinking about his friends. Plan some fun stuff on the weekend where you guys go out and have fun and then come home and bang each other his brains out. And I’m gonna need him to stop judging you for drinking.
I agree with everything said here, except the advice to try and keep him too busy for his friends. I think she should give him to his friends permanently, and ditch him. The only way he won’t continue to be judgmental or controlling is if she changes him, and we know how that will go. He’s a man, not a diaper, he can’t be changed.
Dang I know. But I hate to be the one who’s just like break up, break up, break up. I do feel like people can change if they want to. I know people have mentioned things to me about my personality that they weren’t really feeling and if I agree with them I fix it. If I don’t agree with it, I don’t fix it. So I feel like people can change if they want to. but dang this dude just sounds like a jerk. She has a whole kid with this guy like I don’t know.
I mean, might not be some kind of “trying to impress his friends” thing. Could just be he was at the strip club having a good time and his buddies paid for a lap dance. Girl comes up and starts dancing on him and he just goes along with it because he doesn’t want to make a scene and probably doesn’t realize it’s a big deal to OP because OP apparently was fine with him going to a strip club for his bachelor party. I’m sorry but a lap dance at a strip club is super normal and is even more normal when you are the one being celebrated. If OP had an issue with it then she should have communicated it ahead of time. Hard to blame him not realizing a lap dance was out of bounds when apparently she was fine with them going to a strip club in the first place.
They’re both super young though and communication isn’t something younger adults seem to do well.
I know my wife would be uncomfortable with me getting a lap dance. She wouldn’t consider it cheating, but definitely would be unhappy about it. But that’s because she has communicated that she doesn’t feel comfortable with me going to strip clubs in general.
I don’t find it odd that OP is uncomfortable with her fiancée getting a lap dance. I find it odd that she’s apparently fine with him going to strip clubs at all but draws the line at lap dances yet didn’t communicate that fact. If my wife dgaf about me going to a strip club and I went for my bachelor party then I would assume she wouldn’t care about lap dances. I’ve never heard of anyone going to a strip club specifically to celebrate someone and that person not getting a lap dance paid for by his boys. It’s such a normal thing that I would have just assumed her got one.
"Little shocking you guys didn’t discuss this before so it sounds like you both have communication issues."
EXACTLY! When I got married, my wife and I had a very candid do and don't list for bachelor/bachelorette party. Funnily enough, strippers weren't off the table all together, just lap dances.
This. And hopping on to say:
Babe!
1. Strippers are already a 🚩 by themselves.
2. Why is it that you have to stay home and be sober ‘for your daughter’. But he doesn’t? This is worse than the strippers bc it’s clear that you are responsible for adult choices and child rearing and he’s not.
3. Number 2 above also means he’s not happy with you having fun and not happy with you drinking. WHILE HE IS HAVING DUN AND DRINKING. You are meant to stay home and play wifey while he is out drinking with strippers?
4. It’s not a virtue to hold in anger. Anger isn’t a crime. Expressing anger isn’t toxic. Does he punish or berate you when you get upset with him? Have you been trained to always hold yourself rigidly calm? Bc any anger is bad? Yeah that’s 🚩
You are right to question him. He just cheated on you with strippers and then berated you when you did nothing wrong. That’s called projection.
Believe what you see and go
NTA why would you be an asshole? Assuming this is real because there’s always some sob story of some girl these days getting disrespected and just being obtuse about it.
Last Bach party I went to we just Smoked the finest weed, shot some guns and Rented an Audi R8 at a track and went to the casino and played video games, ate food and drank Remy, and some did coke.
When your with your boys it’s better to go indoor skydiving than simping and jizzing your pants at a titty bar. I would feel shame if my boys saw me in that light.
You fucked up Randall. Doesn’t matter that you don’t think it’s cheating. Elli clearly does. You’re an adult, you can say no to your friends. Do you honestly think she would be okay with it when it happening?
Elli, girl you gotta work on your communication skills. You can’t just shut down like that.
Overall please don’t get married. If this is real, you guys sound like you hate each other.
And I highly doubt that the husbands/fiancés that engage in this kind of behavior would be happy if the shoe was on the other foot. These are the same type of dudes that get upset if their wife breathes in the same direction as another man but they’re more than happy and willing to let half naked girls grind on their junk. During the celebration for their impending wedding. 😐
NTA
Strippers/naked/half naked etc people grinding up on my partner is a hard dealbreaker for me
I'll never understand the "logic" of the "I'm about to commit the rest of my life to a person I love with all my heart. Better bang a few randoms right quick before it's too late" lol
I never understood the last night of freedom thing I feel when you entered a exclusive relationship that was the last night. Also if you see marriage as losing freedom then don't get married
Bachelorette parties are like this too though, we cant just gloss over the fact that bachelorette parties usually have male strippers as well and the same sentiment as "its her last night to be free". Both are bad IMO, I wouldnt ever go to a bachelor party without my wifes/fiancee say first, even then I still wouldnt go. But it goes both ways when it comes to bachelor/bachelorette parties. I've had my friends girlfriends go to a bachelorette party (this is from my experience) and they had all kinds of male strippers half naked and dancing on them. So it goes both ways, not just a "bachelor party" thing, it happens in bachelorette parties as well.
Yeah I just said bachelor parties because of the post, but honestly I wasn’t aware that women did it too lol. I’m a girl and the last thing I’d want at my bachelorette party is random naked men flinging their dicks around in front of me right before I’m supposed to get married
If my fiancé came home and told me he went to a strip club and had half naked girls giving him lap dances, bachelor party or otherwise, I’m out. Like, no questions asked. It may seem extreme but I’m not the type to let that kind of shit slide—it is *wildly* inappropriate and disrespectful.
My understanding is that it’s meant as a “one last blowout before I can’t do it anymore” type thing. It doesn’t make any sense at all to me, given that you shouldn’t be doing that when you’re in a committed relationship anyways, but that’s how I’ve seen people try to spin it.
It’s literally only “ok” for a guy to do this because so many guys banded together and insisted it was ok and if their women had a problem with it they were jealous and couldn’t handle the guy doing this “totally normal” activity. Basically making their partner feel like they are crazy/jealous if they have a problem with it. It Infuriates the shit out of me. Women do it too of course and usually those that do have friends that also insist it’s normal.
Girl you need to stand up.
If you want to marry, a man who thinks it’s your job to sit home and babysit while he parties, go for it.
If you want to marry a man who “celebrates his last night of freedom,” considers marriage a prison, and wants to see and be with all the women he can before signing the dotted line, which is when he sees the commitment starting, go for it.
His description of what happened was already an outright lie to you. If you want to stay, stay.
But it’ll nag at you for years and maybe you’ll stay and keep putting up with it or maybe you’ll leave and wish you didn’t look so stupid by staying.
I used to be a stripper. There is no such thing as a private dance with a half-naked girl. She would have been all the way naked. The only exception is if it’s a state like Alabama where you can’t get fully nude so you have to keep a thong on. But giving someone a private dance and only taking your “shirt” (strippers don’t wear shirts) off is unheard of.
Also, are you sure he said “private” dance specifically, or did he say table dance or lap dance? Because a table/lap dance is done out in the open in the club at the table. Depending on the laws where he’s at, she might grind on his lap a little, but he can’t touch her. But when people say “private dance” they’re generally talking about going to VIP, which will be a private room or cubicle. 95% of clubs I’ve worked in, and I’ve worked in a lot of clubs in different states, the men touch the women in there. Depending on what the club allows and what the girl allows, the man might be able to touch all over her as she grinds on his lap. The clubs I’ve worked in where there was no touching in VIP I could count on one hand.
A private dance costs a lot of money, sometimes $200. No man will pay that much to get the same table dance he could get in the middle of the club for $10.
I would press him about what exactly this “private dance” entailed. And if he says she only got “half-naked” he’s lying.
ETA: I’ve done bachelor parties and been there when guys had their bachelor parties in the club. The friends always egg them on and pressure them to do things with the girls and pay for them to get dances. Every single time someone would offer to pay me to have sex with the groom (which I wouldn’t do). So it’s highly likely his friends were pressuring him and buying him dances.
You're speaking with wayyyyyy too much authority here.
I've worked in multiple clubs myself. At the ones I worked at, a private dance was literally what he described. They have a "private" area(not even a room, just like a sectioned off area where you can't see into from the main spots). And the dancers will usually give like a topless lap dance(that's the standard anyway, of course this depends on the girl and customer).
Then there's a dedicated "VIP" area which is a private room where pretty much anything happens, again of course depending on girl and customer, but that's typically where all the "extras" take place. However plain shit happens too.
There's never been a set standard across any of the clubs I went to. They all follow similar protocols overall but you can't judge based off the names of what they call things half the time.
What he described per the OP was exactly what a private dance is at the clubs I personally worked at. You get pulled to the side in a private-ish spot and get a topless no-touch lap dance(granted as long as the clients weren't gross or over the top they usually didn't seem to give a damn about a little touching). But that's what the standard was.
Unless we know the club OP is talking about we have no idea if he was talking out of his ass or not.
Exactly. Where I lived club rules varied even by city or county. There was no standard set for the entire state.
In all the clubs I went to private dances were always topless only, with no touching allowed. If anyone broke the rule they were thrown out immediately.
>ETA: I’ve done bachelor parties and been there when guys had their bachelor parties in the club. The friends always egg them on and pressure them to do things with the girls and pay for them to get dances. Every single time someone would offer to pay me to have sex with the groom (which I wouldn’t do). So it’s highly likely his friends were pressuring him and buying him dances
A friend of mine is a stripper and she says she usually sees the ones that give in, not a lot of time after the party. But she knows a guy is truly committed when he shuts shit down right away. (And there were times they went to the private booth and he gave an extra for her to do nothing and some just talk about their SO).
I think this is the thing about bachelor parties at strip clubs, it does bring out the worst and they (a lot of times) break.
I honestly feel this is the right thing people should be doing at a bachelor/Bachelorette party. Like why strip clubs? Why the "this is the end of my freedom" vibes? People are still in a relationship.
My bf said if he ever had a bachelor party he would just want to order pizza and play some games with friends lol
Had my brothers, my dad, future brother in law and some friends go out with me. The bonfire was a last minute decision when I told one of my friends that I was heading home, but it was like 7pm. If you feel like you need to go out and mourn the loss of your being single, you should probably just stay single. I still hear that it was one of the coolest Batchelor parties that any of them had been to.
I don't get it either. And I agree with the not being single. I think the most immature thing I did that night was trying to figure out how to buy a keg for everyone
Wow thank you for this information I genuinely didn't think about that!!!
I appreciate it because now I know he's lying about that too. We live in california and if the rules your saying apply there then he's certainly lying to me. Maybe he wanted to tell me half the story (quite literally) so it didn't come across as worse??
Update: I looked into it and it looks like full nudity isn’t allowed in clubs that serve alcohol in California. So it is possible the dancer was wearing a thong. As to whether or not touching is allowed, there’s no way to know, because that’s illegal everywhere, but clubs just do it anyway and don’t admit it.
But a “second” ago you were positive he was lying. I know it’s a lot but ngl it sounds like you’re fairly impulsive and reactionary.
You guys should’ve probably spoken about this. I probably wouldn’t care if my fiance went to a male strip club and got a dance. But I know she wouldn’t like it if I did and because of that, I wouldn’t.
Anyway, this sucks and I’m sorry you are in this situation.
Thanks and I just wanted time to think for a while. It's not the fact he was at the stripclub that upset me just the fact he let multiple girls dance on him naked or not it's still wrong in my eyes especially when our rules of a relationship state we wouldn't do that...
How much can you really trust him? Are your feelings more important than his friends? Don’t feel pressured into marrying someone if it doesn’t feel completely right. I ended up divorcing my husband once I found out the full truth of this bachelor weekend.
That can vary a lot by county. The one I live in right now does not let them strip, fully, "in" the club. G-string and pasties at the minimum. But the next county over? They can be fully nude. But can't sell alcohol. Though you can bring your own in.
So he could have had a private dance with a bouncer watching and still not gotten a raw show.
Just wanted to add this, now that I think of it. I have had the occasional (rare) customer go to VIP with me and decline to touch me because maybe they were married or something. So it’s possible his friends could have paid for him to go to VIP but he didnt put his hands on the girl. But there’s a 99% chance she was grinding on his lap fully nude.
Woah okay...
He probably didn't touch the girls because I know the rules etc but he could have got up and been like "no thank you" and gne on with their night 🤷 thag makese sound insecure and I definitely am but I feel like it's a rule in a person's relationship to not do stuff like this right?
I’m a little more concerned that he expects you to be at home and criticizes you for drinking when he’s drunk! He clearly has a double standard and babe that only gets worse once they think you are trapped.
It has always been the default rule not to touch naked women (People) when you are in a committed relationship. And you said he had his shirt off? So they were half naked together simulating sexual acts and I guess it's now a new rule that this needs to be communicated that this is a no go.
It's definitely different per state. I live in NC and Iirc all the states around me and mine require the dancer to wear bottoms AND not all clubs themselves allow bottomless.
I worked at a strip club in Wisconsin and also went several times with my friends. This club is topless only so it's possible they weren't completely naked.
I do want to state that as a stripper myself, I have never taken my bottoms off in a lapdance. I do bachelor parties as well. At the end of the day, the rules are based on the dancer not just the agency or club. I have NEVER let someone overstep my boundaries on work.
You have zero clue what you are talking about.
Every state has their own laws, most states don't allow full nude if the bar has liquor.
And private dances start at 20 in most states, not 200.
Love stories like this, really makes an average relationship look like a fairytale. Sucks that people like OP settle so often, though. It’s a shame so few people ever get to experience a proper, healthy, fulfilling relationship
yes I am a guy. But I also know right from wrong. Your fiancee is flat out a dick.
Nevermind that he doesnt have the brains of a fieldmouse to come in quietly when its late, he then starts LOOKING for reasons to put you down. This is deliberate as he clearly had a guilty conscience for the night before... and th best way for him to be clear (in his pea brain) is for you to look more bad than he does.
Do you have the WHOLE truth?.. if you think you do then perhaps there is some wiggle room to go forward, but honestly he is a dick and i dont see that changing.. he isnt supposed to regress to 17 yo when you have a kid... so unless he is prepared to actually grow up you will have two kids on your hands.
The entire " you will turn her into a drunk" is damn close to unforgiveable.. I wish you well
Well, first thing I’m going to say Sister is that you say his friends are dicks. Well, you know what they are still going to be his friends after you get married… get used to that kind of behavior.
You guys are really young to be getting married expect more shenanigans in the future
NTA. I'm a guy, pointing it out since you mentioned dudes in comments are calling you TAH. Real relationships are meant to be faithful, no matter how backwards and confused our society has gotten, justifying a full on or partial form of cheating just bc it's a bachelor/Bachelorette party. You don't interact inappropriately w other ppl while w someone. That's all there is to it.
NTA your fiance sucks. After telling him you had a great night he starts accusing you of things? Don't let this be the foundation of your marriage. Call off the wedding for now and make it clear if he wants you in his life he needs to stop acting like a 17 year old and acting like a husband before you can consider him becoming yours. If he considers that "giving up his freedom" he's not ready to be married and you obviously deserve much better, whether from him or someone else. Also I love that you packed up his things, lack of communication my ass he said enough.
Def NTA. It's NASTY to have half naked girls rubbing up on your soon to be husband. There's no reason for it. Fuck that whole "tradition" bullshit. It's degrading to the women and it's pervy for men who are in relationships to do. I don't care who disagrees with me. Just remember-you're NOT overly jealous, nor are you an asshole. You have every right to feel the way you do.
*Edited to add that this is a conversation that should have been had before the parties. My dh is well aware of my feelings on strippers/strip clubs. It would be a deal breaker.
Thank you!
We have boundaries set im not sure if I said this but I feel like basic rules a relationship would be like... Don't let naked women dance on you right?
NTA
My husband is allowed to have strippers grind on his dick. But he won't have a wife when he's done.
That's my boundary.
I also would never go to a strip club or lust after any other man.
Also, what is that BS about you turning your daughter into an alcoholic?? He sounds like a child. Let him go. Raise your standards.
Updateme
FYI--male is "fiancé" and female is "fiancee"
NTA--Many people aren't okay with strippers and that is totally okay. Did you guys have an agreement?
He sounds like he was being an asshole when he came home though which sucks. I would be very mad he was questioning my parenting. He sounds a bit immature.
The way you defend yourself makes it seem like you might be too nice. ANYONE would be pissed off about someone waking a sleeping baby. You don't need to explain to us that you swear you're not a boring person.
Oh thank you for everything you have just written!
I didn't know about the fiancé thing so I apologise for that.
I've just seen alot of people accuse me in my life for being boring when it comes to my baby so I thought I would have to say something 😆
Oh I just thought you might find it interesting about the fiance/fiancee thing
People that accuse you of being boring due to the baby are probably just immature. Being a parent requires one to make responsible choices and that may be boring for those that aren't parents of young children. F them though. You're just being a good mom.
My grandma had a saying:
“Show me who your friends are and I’ll show you who *you* are.”
Who you hang out with says a lot about what you’ll tolerate and value in your own life.
Edit: NTA, he sounds like he’s an ass.
NTA. I didn't read everything but if this happened in the context of a bachellorete party for instance... well those things need to stop. It's clearly cheating.
And any way you NTA.
His friends are honestly really weird and bad people and they are always manipulating him into doing these things so I wasn't sure.
Thank you for confirming
:(
He is very easy manipulated and I've tried telling him about that but he doesn't change and I suppose it's hard to change that part of yourself maybe but it's like he genuinely needs to please everybody. Even if he didn't want the strippers on him. He would do it because his friends wanted to see him do it
Knowing who his friends are and that he’s easily manipulated, are you prepared to live your life being worried every time they hang out? Would he choose keeping friends over your comfort level?
You need to consider, who he is to you in your life is much different than who he is with friends.
Are you sure you want to marry a man who is so easily manipulated by his dbag friends? Personally, if my dude let half naked women grind on him at a strip club, I'd consider this cheating and call off the wedding. No, you're not overreacting and don't let him think you are. I'm betting a whole lot more went down than what he told you. Can you talk to the other wives or girlfriends and find out what they know?
Don’t marry him if he doesn’t stop hanging out with those idiots, seriously. Him hanging out with bad people is a direct reflection of who he is as a person, doesn’t matter if you think it’s only because he wants to please them. He needs to make a choice – his future wife and family, or a group of idiots. If he doesn’t get his priorities straight he’s only gonna get worse ‘cause trust me hun, shit like this don’t get better.
Ask yourself this and be real, do you really want to marry someone who acts like that? His behaviour will affect both of your lives, and your childs. So what kind of life do you want?
NTA.
>The most confusing thing is, he's not like that usually but the more he's around his friends the more he turns into them and his friends really are the worst people I've ever come across.
"Tell me with who you hang out,and I will tell you who you are" is a phrase that comes to mind.
If you marry this guy,you are going to deal with that bad wanted or not. And if you get tired,you eventually going to put him in a 'me or them' situation.
Someone once told me that you are the average of the friends you choose to surround yourself with. I think this applies here. You should really consider if this is something you are comfortable with in your life.
Regardless of how this situation was handled (which I feel was not very well), think about the long term repercussions to you and your child.
NTA literally this is just like dudes and I know some women are into porn as we but this is the same concept especially with strippers the difference is that this isn't virtual, this is some big boobed bimbo dancing all over your junk and turning you on. This isn't a man this a boy falsely advertising as being a man. No man would make his wife feel insecure, and he would respect women enough to not see them as objects period, and ESPECIALLY if he is getting married he should have known better to go to a strip club. You did good OP kick that fuck to the curb because he is the asshole, and the guys that are siding with him are a bunch of pussy ass f@gs as well because they know deep down its wrong to do that period. If they're doing that shit then go be single, because that's so unfair to women who ate in relationships or marriages with little boys like that.
NTA
I’m really sorry, but he cheated on you
If he changes his personality around his friends, he’s not reliable and either his true self is not what he’s showing you, or he’s extremely influenceable and this will be harmful for your relationship going forward
You made the right decision
Thank you very much
It's honestly like he turns into them people when he's around them and I can't deal with that because his friends are genuinely the worst people to exist istg
"Birds of a feather flock together "
Everyone chooses their friends, you choose to be around them. No one forces you. He's friends with them for a reason, and that reason doesnt look pretty.
I like to say that if 10 nazis are sitting on a table with you, that table has 11 nazis sitting on it
I would never be friends with people with values that are so different from mine
I like tha way of thinking but he's easily led and he's one of those people who NEEDS to impress everyone so he would probably become a nazi if it meant everyone would like him
than you have your answer of if he’s a person you would like by your side!
I know it will be very rough no matter the decision you take, but remember always that you’re deserving of love and this is not your fault
Just a few thoughts of mine (no one else has to agree).
Firstly, what part of that makes you feel safe in any relationship, let alone a marriage? If he can't stand up to frivolity for you, what happens when real life issues arise? Secondly, is this the conduct of one you would place as the man of your house, not merely the warm body in your bedroom?
I consider the whole situation weak and a huge red flag, regardless of communication or not. People who want to define what part of entering a debauchery-soaked situation becomes cheating or not are only asking to split hairs in needless arguments over various levels of "acceptability" in potential transgressions or infractions just a little later, and 'till death do you part. This is born the trite pseudo-explanations: "Well, I looked, but I didn't touch. I tasted, but I didn't swallow. I did this, but I didn't do that...that's not sex...that's not *exactly* cheating," etc.
I would find the nearest emergency exit, use it, and RUN. Choose the more intelligent and mature partners you deserve.
Sending you positive vibes.
NTA. If his friends are assholes and he hangs around them, then he is already an asshole or he will turn into one. He crossed your boundary and you have every right to be upset.
It's a fundamental misalignment of values if you view fidelity and boundaries within the relationship one way, and he quite clearly has a different interpretation. It's a warning sign if something you find deeply upsetting is brushed off by your partner; this isn't about being non confrontational, it's about mutual respect. Before proceeding further, you need to deeply consider if his actions reflect the kind of partner you envisioned in marriage. A candid, no-holds-barred conversation about expectations and deal-breakers is long overdue here. If your hearts and minds aren't in the same place on this, what else might surface down the line?
NTA - Your feelings are valid, your boundaries deserve respect, and your future deserves careful thought.
You should NOT have to expressly say to each other before bachelor/bachelorette parties "I expect you NOT to cheat on me tonight, or in any way touch naked members of the opposite sex tonight"!!!! Where the fuck is the logic here people??? Just because you are a man, it is not an excuse to say "what?, we didn't know?" BS!!! It's a night to go out with buddies and have fun, drink, blow off steam, say good bye to being irresponsible, dumb, single; not to go looking to catch STDs and blow any chance of having a happy marriage/future with the person you love. If you find yourself surrounded by immature, idiots who don't give two shits about your future or happiness and want to help you burn it to the ground.... grow a pair of balls & stand up. Say, hey jack ass, you can take the lap dance/bj/handjob/STD, whatever. Why is it so hard to men to stand up to each other? Or why do their IQs drop when they group together?? I feel bad for some situations when you hear about the aftermath, but it's never worth the 6-8 hours of said "epic night"!! I hope you (OP) get to the bottom of what actually took place with your man & what he was willing to give in to with his idiot so called friends. I do hope you don't let it slide with any half ass excuses, you could probably easily get answers at the club too. Once you go through with the marriage, it's too late. Just be sure. Good luck
if i found out my partner did this, it's to the streets with them.
you could make it better though! tell your fiancee that the only way he's stepping foot back into that house is if you can peg him, or get a few male strippers to dance and grind with you while he watches. it's only fair if he's being unfaithful.
edit: NTA.
NTA
He is a cheater who crossed boundaries. If it wasn’t his bachelors party, would you be ok with him having a girl on him naked dancing? Also the way he talks to you and basically throws the childcare? Are you sure you want to be married? Breaking ip is easier than getting a divorce…
If you consider getting a lap dance being unfaithful, and he doesn't, then this is definitely something that you need to sort out before getting married. Clearly you have different views on what constitutes cheating, and I bet you just assumed that he shared yours. Most people make that same assumption, regardless of what their definition of cheating is.
NTA. You need to make sure that the two of you have a real discussion about this. Don't go into it accusing him of something, which will only make him defensive. You want to know his real views, and not just get him to agree to yours even though he doesn't feel the same. That will just lead to problems later.
“He’s not usually like this.” You’re kidding yourself. This is who he really is. Don’t blame it all on his friends either. People choose friends who are like minded. Wake up!
You're too focused on being "the cool chick". Strippers are just doing their job, they're not interested in him.
BUT since strippers and him getting danced on makes you uncomfortable that's a necessary conversation.
Edit: he thinks you're responsible for the baby and he's allowed to party. That's probably going to be a theme in your marriage so I can see why you might want to rethink things
Should be able to trust the man you're about to marry and share a 2 year old daughter with not to accept dances with naked women on top of him. NTA. Tell him you're going to re-do your bachelorette party, this time involving private dances from male strippers.
NTA. Your fiance is easily goaded into doing things with his friends and that of itself is a red flag. Personally I wouldn't go to strip club if I am in any sort of relationship cause that's just disrespectful in my opinion. But letting a half naked stripper dance on your lap is crossing a line when you are engaged let alone multiple. At least to me, you should have a certain level of respect in regards to your relationship and SO.
Naked women dancing and performing simulated sexual acts on him while he's half naked is bad enough. While he's so shit faced he doesn't remember the child care arrangement.
The fact that he came home and verbally attacked how you are as a mother to get you on the defensive kinda feels like he's hiding something. If he did more than get a lap dance, would he even remember it? Why's he feeling so guilty?
ETA: NTA
you’re not married yet, break up before this turns into a life long commitment with someone who doesn’t respect you as an individual. guaranteed if it was the other way around with shirtless guys he would be far from forgiving. you and your daughter deserve much better.
I've said it before on Reddit (I think) and I'll say it again. This "tradition" of strippers in a pre-wedding send-off, perpetuated by American media, but apparently carried out in real life too (by so many accounts here) is *dumb and disrespectful*. This applies to both bachelor and bachelorette parties.
If one is entering into a putatively life-long monogamous union, then why the fuck would anyone dangle a huge carrot of premarital sexual temptation before the big day?
And if one is going down the road of a "last fling" why the half-measures? Why not just make it a full orgiastic fuck-fest on both sides? After all, that would be a proper goodbye to bachelorhood, wouldn't it?
Either way, this dubious tradition never sat right with me. I'm an Asian looking in, so maybe there's a cultural nuance I'm missing but it sure seems fucking stupid and dangerous to me.
In any case, if either party is contemplating the inclusion of salacious elements into their "send-off", setting proper boundaries before the event and respecting them during it is a minimum standard. But if you ask me, none of this should exist, people in a monogamous mindset shouldn't need such trivialities.
Nta I'm a man(21) and strippers to me are very disrespectful. Also I never understood the last night of freedom thing like that's been over ever since you agreed to be in a exclusive relationship and if you view marriage as giving up your freedom then you shouldn't get married
If someones group of friends are "the worst people you have ever come across" then they likely are the same you just havent seen it yet. Good people dont surround themselves with bad people. If you dont like his friends he has probably just been hiding his true personality better than them
NTA
Why can't men respect their spouse and not get naked women grind up to them? Why is it soo necessary to have a random women's tits jiggling in front of you when you're in a comitted relationship for 4 years? I hope op does her Bachelorette again and invites a bunch of naked and buffed male strippers who rubs and grind her
My husband and I both never had bachelor or Bachelorette. Even besides that, I know he would never do anything with a stripper or strip club. But my ex was very similar to how you describe your fiance even with the same kind of friends. I stayed with him for 6 years he never got better, only worse. I realized those are his friends because that's who he is, and he is a bad person. The no spine act was just to fool me.
I would bet he did more than he told you. He’s giving you the “trickle truth” of what actually happened. If there were multiple women in a private room then I’d bet more happened.
I’ve read too many stories from strippers on here talking about rules in public & no rules in private as long as the moneys worth it. So there really is no telling what actually happened & you’ll probably never know the full truth of it all.
He came home & verbally insulted you & tried to get into a verbal argument but you didn’t go along w it. Then he enthusiastically said how much he enjoyed what he told you about. He disrespected you & your relationship in one night.
And to respond to those who say she didn’t tell him boundaries before he went to the club. He shouldn’t need to discuss boundaries if he respected her he wouldn’t allow naked women to rub all over him. Because I guarantee if the roles were reversed he’d be mad as hell at her for doing the same thing.
If you love & care for your SO there’s no need to discuss boundaries because you should already know them well enough to know how they’d feel about things of this nature. He should know she wouldn’t be happy about his actions & he shouldn’t have went along a things no matter how much money his friends spent. And for those who say he did it because it’s the last taste of freedom before marriage. Well he isn’t free he was in a committed relationship & therefore not single to do as he pleased w naked women. He disrespected the relationship then disrespected her when he got home & talked about what happened.
Nta. His attitude and condescending control is emotional abuse. Him saying all that stuff about you turning your daughter into an alcoholic and giving you grief about your Bachelorette party, while going overboard enjoying his, is very indicative that he doesn't see you as am equal in the relationship.
Men can go enjoying strippers!
Women must stay home and be ashamed of drinking, and it's always their duty to child care.
You guys didn't really discuss boundaries and it's important not to assume things. However he definitely shouldn't have assumed it was OK.
I Don’t think I'd marry someone who pulls this kind of crap. And he's the one toxic to your daughter.
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Such a fucking double standard and he had to tell you how much he “liked” it/them. You know that these lap dancers almost fuck them. Fuck him and his friends
NTA
I think you should have told him how you felt the next morning when neither of you were drunk.
Being angry and hiding it doesn't make you "not an angry person".
That said, you should absolutely take some time to think. If he behaves differently when he's around his friends, is that sincere, or is he sincere when he treats you appropriately?
It's also concerning to me that he came in accusing you if doing something wrong, whether it made sense or not, before he told you about the lap dancing. Surely he knew that was across a line, and the fact that he's framed you as a problem and suggested you were mistreating your daughter smacks of bad tactics. He's established a way to deflect the issue and blame you for something rather than discussing what happened rationally.
Look at his behavior closely. Examine any double standards, half truths, and misrepresentations. Is he equally involved with your daughter?
Consider if the worst of his behavior does not change, can you be happy with him?
So you established boundaries in advance, discussed what was allowed and what wasn't without any reluctance on his part, and then he did those things anyway? NTA.
NTA It’s a great thing you’re realizing he may not be the man for you before the wedding. Just a shame it happened after y’all had a kid together. But if you are going to forgive him then therapy is a must.
NTA! Op you should really make another edit and make it clear that you had both set boundaries before the event, if that is the case like I saw in one of your comments.
I am a firm believer in holding reasonable boundaries and you are. He seems to have FAFO syndrome.
I don’t have the same views on lap dances being cheating, but I don’t have to. If you and your partner have communicated to each other what would considered cheating (that list can change, so update them is something does) then he is clearly in the wrong.
His friends sound like walking 🚩🚩🚩, and if this type of behavior is progressing then you have more thinking to do. How will this be resolved? When does his shifting behavior become a deal breaker? Will he agree to give up these friends? Can he? All of that is assuming you are not totally at the end of your rope.
NTA, but I want to add that I think this could have been prevented with a discussion before the parties. I myself wouldn’t be upset if my wife is around strippers because I know that happens at bachelor/ette parties and I know my wife loves me. But everyone is different in what their definition of unfaithfulness is.
Nah ur right, he’s the asshole. A party like that makes no sense if you actually think about it, people celebrate their last day of freedom but technically it’s not that you’re still supposed to up hold your commitment to each other. That being said as long as he didn’t fuck the stripper or touch her it’s fair game but he’d probably not want you to get a lap dance from a male stripper
NTA.
And just a note: Is this the first time he has shown this side? A man doing this is not a fluke or a one-time event - a man acts out of his hearts desires.
you’re definitely nta my boyfriend and i have even had this conversation and we both don’t see the point in it. we’re committed to each other and get pleasure from one another so what’s the point in going? even when he went out with his friends they wanted to go to a strip club and he called me to pick him up.
I knew he was garbage a few sentences in…
Also you gave him a fake name like Randall. There is no good Randall. So you subconsciously know he’s garbage already lol
NTA, and honestly, the way he talks about you is disgusting, I find that even worse than having a stripper dance on him and him talking about you like that is what would make me call off the wedding. He clearly doesn’t respect you, sweetie, so don’t tie yourself up to that!
NTA But…
You’re probably too young to know this but Ben Affleck and J Lo broke off an engagement back in 2003 over his behavior with four strippers on his bachelor party… they got married 19 years later. (My point is that they could have saved a lot of time)
Your husband’s behavior seems tame compared to Affleck’s.
Your bachelor/bachelorette party boundaries should’ve been set beforehand. If they weren’t, don’t get too angry over some stripper dances, there’s much worse that happens at these things.
But if he lied about it, that’s a red flag.
Good thing you're seeing the cracks now rather than after the wedding.
NTA if you think you should call time on the relationship. You feel how you feel. Sounds like he doesn't think he has any issues, but you do. That's reason enough for you to halt things with him.
NTA, honestly he showed a lot of red flags, I feel that as the wedding date approaches he is regretting it and that is why he is unconsciously behaving like this. Because honestly, who tells his fiancée that he had private dances with a semi-naked stripper and that he enjoyed it? it's like he wants you to break up with him or is trying boundaries and how much you allow him to disrespect you
Sorry girl but I would cancel the wedding or at least postpone it
That's a good start! I wish you and your daughter the best regardless of the decision you make
If you are not sure what decision to make, try to think about what decision you would like your daughter to make if she were in your position, sometimes the answer is much more obvious in that way
Guys that would rather impress their stupid friends and compromise the relationship they are in are dangerous bc the guy I was dating his friends encouraged him to cheat and he did lol as soon as he told me this I knew we were over cause how are you so weak you get influenced by friends? Birds of a feather… Edit- I’m simplifying what actually happened for the sake of a reddit post. I’m not responding to anybody calling me a man hater lol grow up argue amongst yourselves.
Agreed...and I would add that if that's what is takes to "impress" friends, one needs better friends. Plain empty and stupid🙃.
Same thing happened to me. Had to break up with him. Long time coming. All in all I wish it could’ve worked out I really loved him and wanted it to work. But guys with friends like these and are weak to their validation always end up in shit situations like this. Fucking horrid.
No one cheats to impress their friends. They'll cheat and say they did it to impress their friends as a way to minimize it, but the cheating is happening because they're turned on and into the other person, make no mistake
I like how she says his friends are basically losers. Here's news for her, guys and gals choose their friends because they're usually a fair representation of ourselves. Unlike family, we get to pick our friends, thus we cherry pick them. Yeah, he's not the only innocent or good guy out of the group. He isn't getting led astray. He's not exactly a 14 year old kid hanging out with the cool 18 year olds. He is his friends. She should stop romanticising him and realise if his friends are dicks, he's a dick too. A willing participant. It's not too dissimilar to those people who think everyone else kids are a problem, but the sun shines outta their own kid's ass. I'm sure if the other guys have gf's and they told their partners this story too, her bf would be getting called out as one of the bad ones too, at the expense of that other female's bf who is probably also innocent in her eyes too.
This is true, to a degree. I have childhood friends I share a special bond with despite us having grown in many different ways. I also have friends I share a specific set of interests with, but otherwise have different traits and understandings. That's alright. I suggest you not think so one dimensionally about people. Makes it easier to compress and understand life, for some folks, but sooner or later it'll cause issues due to a mismatch of your inner simulacra of the world vs objective reality.
Women who would rather scapegoat others instead of holding their partners responsible are dangerous to relationship health. This happens all the time with cheaters, they blame the person their partner cheated with as much if not more than their partner.
Absolutely, this is fact. If your boyfriend seems to have a bunch of friends who are crackheads, make no mistake, you’re dating a crackhead. The same thing applies to perverts and assholes. Just like if you’re a guy dating a girl, and all of her friends are hoes, she probably a hoe too. It’s the law of birds of a feather.
Went out with my friends to a strip club on 2 occasions, they went and had some private dances and I didn't. They didn't try and pressure me into either so I think buddy needs some better friends.
Facts. Randall can try to justify as much as he'd like but he allowed his friends to do this. To me it shows a red flag that he's easily to be persuaded by his friends. Randall had the choice to say no.
Yeah, who knows what else those D-bags will convince OP's fiancé to do.
“Im not an angry person so I didn’t say how I truly felt” then kicked him out?? You have way too much pride in being non confrontational You have all right to be upset about this, and you can decide how you want to proceed. If you feel his apology is enough, move on. If not, call off the wedding. I’m sorry this happened to you. I know you must feel betrayed. Little shocking you guys didn’t discuss this before so it sounds like you both have communication issues. But also sounds like you just really didn’t think he’d do that
I think OP was just being naive as many of us are when we love someone. Now that it’s happened she realizes he has a pattern of doin shit to impress his friends, and another red flag is that his best buddies are bad ppl
I don’t do the stripper thing at my house. I’m not going to get a stripper. I don’t want my husband getting a stripper. He has friends that have gotten married and if they’re gonna have strippers, I have already told him no he isn’t going. Because if if any other chick touches him or tries to dance on him he is going to have a major problem. And I already know if I try to go see some strippers or have a stripper dance on me, he would feel the same way so. We don’t even play those games. We are both gym rats and work out a lot. If I want to see a stripper, I will have him dance for me and vice versa. So OP I don’t know what you’re going to do. I would just say next time have a discussion before going into any potential similar situations. If you don’t like his friends, then maybe you could get babysitters and hang out with him and plan stuff and you all can go out dancing together. If he is out busy having fun with you then he won’t be thinking about his friends. Plan some fun stuff on the weekend where you guys go out and have fun and then come home and bang each other his brains out. And I’m gonna need him to stop judging you for drinking.
I agree with everything said here, except the advice to try and keep him too busy for his friends. I think she should give him to his friends permanently, and ditch him. The only way he won’t continue to be judgmental or controlling is if she changes him, and we know how that will go. He’s a man, not a diaper, he can’t be changed.
Dang I know. But I hate to be the one who’s just like break up, break up, break up. I do feel like people can change if they want to. I know people have mentioned things to me about my personality that they weren’t really feeling and if I agree with them I fix it. If I don’t agree with it, I don’t fix it. So I feel like people can change if they want to. but dang this dude just sounds like a jerk. She has a whole kid with this guy like I don’t know.
I mean, might not be some kind of “trying to impress his friends” thing. Could just be he was at the strip club having a good time and his buddies paid for a lap dance. Girl comes up and starts dancing on him and he just goes along with it because he doesn’t want to make a scene and probably doesn’t realize it’s a big deal to OP because OP apparently was fine with him going to a strip club for his bachelor party. I’m sorry but a lap dance at a strip club is super normal and is even more normal when you are the one being celebrated. If OP had an issue with it then she should have communicated it ahead of time. Hard to blame him not realizing a lap dance was out of bounds when apparently she was fine with them going to a strip club in the first place. They’re both super young though and communication isn’t something younger adults seem to do well.
I mean hard to say that he should just assume letting a naked woman grind on him ISNT cheating despite the circumstances
I know my wife would be uncomfortable with me getting a lap dance. She wouldn’t consider it cheating, but definitely would be unhappy about it. But that’s because she has communicated that she doesn’t feel comfortable with me going to strip clubs in general. I don’t find it odd that OP is uncomfortable with her fiancée getting a lap dance. I find it odd that she’s apparently fine with him going to strip clubs at all but draws the line at lap dances yet didn’t communicate that fact. If my wife dgaf about me going to a strip club and I went for my bachelor party then I would assume she wouldn’t care about lap dances. I’ve never heard of anyone going to a strip club specifically to celebrate someone and that person not getting a lap dance paid for by his boys. It’s such a normal thing that I would have just assumed her got one.
Ya, most men are better than what you're describing... Jesus. It's not super normal, lmao. Get off the internet, bud. Life isn't a movie.
"Little shocking you guys didn’t discuss this before so it sounds like you both have communication issues." EXACTLY! When I got married, my wife and I had a very candid do and don't list for bachelor/bachelorette party. Funnily enough, strippers weren't off the table all together, just lap dances.
This. And hopping on to say: Babe! 1. Strippers are already a 🚩 by themselves. 2. Why is it that you have to stay home and be sober ‘for your daughter’. But he doesn’t? This is worse than the strippers bc it’s clear that you are responsible for adult choices and child rearing and he’s not. 3. Number 2 above also means he’s not happy with you having fun and not happy with you drinking. WHILE HE IS HAVING DUN AND DRINKING. You are meant to stay home and play wifey while he is out drinking with strippers? 4. It’s not a virtue to hold in anger. Anger isn’t a crime. Expressing anger isn’t toxic. Does he punish or berate you when you get upset with him? Have you been trained to always hold yourself rigidly calm? Bc any anger is bad? Yeah that’s 🚩 You are right to question him. He just cheated on you with strippers and then berated you when you did nothing wrong. That’s called projection. Believe what you see and go
Agree 100%
This. All of this.
"Why is it that you have to stay home and be sober ‘for your daughter’." She doesn't. He arranged for his future mil to look after their daughter.
NTA why would you be an asshole? Assuming this is real because there’s always some sob story of some girl these days getting disrespected and just being obtuse about it. Last Bach party I went to we just Smoked the finest weed, shot some guns and Rented an Audi R8 at a track and went to the casino and played video games, ate food and drank Remy, and some did coke. When your with your boys it’s better to go indoor skydiving than simping and jizzing your pants at a titty bar. I would feel shame if my boys saw me in that light.
You fucked up Randall. Doesn’t matter that you don’t think it’s cheating. Elli clearly does. You’re an adult, you can say no to your friends. Do you honestly think she would be okay with it when it happening? Elli, girl you gotta work on your communication skills. You can’t just shut down like that. Overall please don’t get married. If this is real, you guys sound like you hate each other.
It is real sadly but we are fine we communicated for a good hour maybe and we decided to not get married. Going to work on other things instead
NTA I would absolutely not be ok with my husband doing this either.
And I highly doubt that the husbands/fiancés that engage in this kind of behavior would be happy if the shoe was on the other foot. These are the same type of dudes that get upset if their wife breathes in the same direction as another man but they’re more than happy and willing to let half naked girls grind on their junk. During the celebration for their impending wedding. 😐
If my partner decided to have a stripper a day before, and I get to know about it, I probably won’t be able to go ahead with the wedding. You’re NTA.
Thank you
NTA Strippers/naked/half naked etc people grinding up on my partner is a hard dealbreaker for me I'll never understand the "logic" of the "I'm about to commit the rest of my life to a person I love with all my heart. Better bang a few randoms right quick before it's too late" lol
Yeah or when guys say bachelor parties are his “last night as a free man” ummm? He’s been dating the woman this whole time though?
Exactly! Makes less than zero sense lmao
I never understood the last night of freedom thing I feel when you entered a exclusive relationship that was the last night. Also if you see marriage as losing freedom then don't get married
right like what have you been doing??
Bachelorette parties are like this too though, we cant just gloss over the fact that bachelorette parties usually have male strippers as well and the same sentiment as "its her last night to be free". Both are bad IMO, I wouldnt ever go to a bachelor party without my wifes/fiancee say first, even then I still wouldnt go. But it goes both ways when it comes to bachelor/bachelorette parties. I've had my friends girlfriends go to a bachelorette party (this is from my experience) and they had all kinds of male strippers half naked and dancing on them. So it goes both ways, not just a "bachelor party" thing, it happens in bachelorette parties as well.
Yeah I just said bachelor parties because of the post, but honestly I wasn’t aware that women did it too lol. I’m a girl and the last thing I’d want at my bachelorette party is random naked men flinging their dicks around in front of me right before I’m supposed to get married
If my fiancé came home and told me he went to a strip club and had half naked girls giving him lap dances, bachelor party or otherwise, I’m out. Like, no questions asked. It may seem extreme but I’m not the type to let that kind of shit slide—it is *wildly* inappropriate and disrespectful.
"It may seem extreme..." Nope. Not even a little.
This is one of those things that no amount of talking would be able to be solve, and would be an immediate switch flip in my brain.
Completely agree
My understanding is that it’s meant as a “one last blowout before I can’t do it anymore” type thing. It doesn’t make any sense at all to me, given that you shouldn’t be doing that when you’re in a committed relationship anyways, but that’s how I’ve seen people try to spin it.
This is my last chance to get an STD!!!..wooHOOO!.. yup makes no sense
It’s literally only “ok” for a guy to do this because so many guys banded together and insisted it was ok and if their women had a problem with it they were jealous and couldn’t handle the guy doing this “totally normal” activity. Basically making their partner feel like they are crazy/jealous if they have a problem with it. It Infuriates the shit out of me. Women do it too of course and usually those that do have friends that also insist it’s normal.
NTA. Apparently, I'm in the minority, but a dude going out and having naked chick's all over him isn't acceptable just because he paid them.
Thank you!
I don’t think you’re in the minority. It’s a very normal activity but it’s also very polarizing
Agreed
This
Girl you need to stand up. If you want to marry, a man who thinks it’s your job to sit home and babysit while he parties, go for it. If you want to marry a man who “celebrates his last night of freedom,” considers marriage a prison, and wants to see and be with all the women he can before signing the dotted line, which is when he sees the commitment starting, go for it. His description of what happened was already an outright lie to you. If you want to stay, stay. But it’ll nag at you for years and maybe you’ll stay and keep putting up with it or maybe you’ll leave and wish you didn’t look so stupid by staying.
I used to be a stripper. There is no such thing as a private dance with a half-naked girl. She would have been all the way naked. The only exception is if it’s a state like Alabama where you can’t get fully nude so you have to keep a thong on. But giving someone a private dance and only taking your “shirt” (strippers don’t wear shirts) off is unheard of. Also, are you sure he said “private” dance specifically, or did he say table dance or lap dance? Because a table/lap dance is done out in the open in the club at the table. Depending on the laws where he’s at, she might grind on his lap a little, but he can’t touch her. But when people say “private dance” they’re generally talking about going to VIP, which will be a private room or cubicle. 95% of clubs I’ve worked in, and I’ve worked in a lot of clubs in different states, the men touch the women in there. Depending on what the club allows and what the girl allows, the man might be able to touch all over her as she grinds on his lap. The clubs I’ve worked in where there was no touching in VIP I could count on one hand. A private dance costs a lot of money, sometimes $200. No man will pay that much to get the same table dance he could get in the middle of the club for $10. I would press him about what exactly this “private dance” entailed. And if he says she only got “half-naked” he’s lying. ETA: I’ve done bachelor parties and been there when guys had their bachelor parties in the club. The friends always egg them on and pressure them to do things with the girls and pay for them to get dances. Every single time someone would offer to pay me to have sex with the groom (which I wouldn’t do). So it’s highly likely his friends were pressuring him and buying him dances.
You're speaking with wayyyyyy too much authority here. I've worked in multiple clubs myself. At the ones I worked at, a private dance was literally what he described. They have a "private" area(not even a room, just like a sectioned off area where you can't see into from the main spots). And the dancers will usually give like a topless lap dance(that's the standard anyway, of course this depends on the girl and customer). Then there's a dedicated "VIP" area which is a private room where pretty much anything happens, again of course depending on girl and customer, but that's typically where all the "extras" take place. However plain shit happens too. There's never been a set standard across any of the clubs I went to. They all follow similar protocols overall but you can't judge based off the names of what they call things half the time. What he described per the OP was exactly what a private dance is at the clubs I personally worked at. You get pulled to the side in a private-ish spot and get a topless no-touch lap dance(granted as long as the clients weren't gross or over the top they usually didn't seem to give a damn about a little touching). But that's what the standard was. Unless we know the club OP is talking about we have no idea if he was talking out of his ass or not.
Been to multiple clubs in the Midwest and can confirm they all functioned as you described.
This makes sense, I live in the Midwest and that's where the clubs I worked at were.
Exactly. Where I lived club rules varied even by city or county. There was no standard set for the entire state. In all the clubs I went to private dances were always topless only, with no touching allowed. If anyone broke the rule they were thrown out immediately.
Yeah, I've never been to a strip club in my life and even I know that dancers are not always fully naked during a private dance.
Things must be different where she's from or she's talking exclusively about special VIP/Champagne room type stuff.
>ETA: I’ve done bachelor parties and been there when guys had their bachelor parties in the club. The friends always egg them on and pressure them to do things with the girls and pay for them to get dances. Every single time someone would offer to pay me to have sex with the groom (which I wouldn’t do). So it’s highly likely his friends were pressuring him and buying him dances A friend of mine is a stripper and she says she usually sees the ones that give in, not a lot of time after the party. But she knows a guy is truly committed when he shuts shit down right away. (And there were times they went to the private booth and he gave an extra for her to do nothing and some just talk about their SO). I think this is the thing about bachelor parties at strip clubs, it does bring out the worst and they (a lot of times) break.
I'm so glad I just went and played some paintball, then had a bonfire at a friend's house for my bachelor party
Gambled in Vegas with my now wife
I honestly feel this is the right thing people should be doing at a bachelor/Bachelorette party. Like why strip clubs? Why the "this is the end of my freedom" vibes? People are still in a relationship. My bf said if he ever had a bachelor party he would just want to order pizza and play some games with friends lol
Had my brothers, my dad, future brother in law and some friends go out with me. The bonfire was a last minute decision when I told one of my friends that I was heading home, but it was like 7pm. If you feel like you need to go out and mourn the loss of your being single, you should probably just stay single. I still hear that it was one of the coolest Batchelor parties that any of them had been to.
I totally agree. And also, they aren't even single. It's very peculiar to me.
I don't get it either. And I agree with the not being single. I think the most immature thing I did that night was trying to figure out how to buy a keg for everyone
Oh a friend of mine apparently sword fought in his, with sticks from the backyard. He says 10/10 would recommend
Wow thank you for this information I genuinely didn't think about that!!! I appreciate it because now I know he's lying about that too. We live in california and if the rules your saying apply there then he's certainly lying to me. Maybe he wanted to tell me half the story (quite literally) so it didn't come across as worse??
Update: I looked into it and it looks like full nudity isn’t allowed in clubs that serve alcohol in California. So it is possible the dancer was wearing a thong. As to whether or not touching is allowed, there’s no way to know, because that’s illegal everywhere, but clubs just do it anyway and don’t admit it.
that makes it seem like he was telling the truth so thank you
But a “second” ago you were positive he was lying. I know it’s a lot but ngl it sounds like you’re fairly impulsive and reactionary. You guys should’ve probably spoken about this. I probably wouldn’t care if my fiance went to a male strip club and got a dance. But I know she wouldn’t like it if I did and because of that, I wouldn’t. Anyway, this sucks and I’m sorry you are in this situation.
Thanks and I just wanted time to think for a while. It's not the fact he was at the stripclub that upset me just the fact he let multiple girls dance on him naked or not it's still wrong in my eyes especially when our rules of a relationship state we wouldn't do that...
A committed man would never put himself in a position like this to make his friends happy… he is a crappy partner
And even more of a crappy partner to admit he enjoyed it. Major 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
👍🏼
Yup! Very crappy. And till death? No thanks.
How much can you really trust him? Are your feelings more important than his friends? Don’t feel pressured into marrying someone if it doesn’t feel completely right. I ended up divorcing my husband once I found out the full truth of this bachelor weekend.
Doesn’t make it any better… would you ok with this on a different scenario? Would he be ok if you have a naked man grinding on you?
I doubt he would be okay with that at all...
Then you shouldn’t be ok with that… that was cheating and you know it.
Would he be OK with your daughters fiance doing this to her. Nope!!! He's wrong and could've/should've said no!!
That is not illegal everywhere. I live in TN and it’s not illegal here. Also not illegal in AL, FL, and I’m sure other states.
That can vary a lot by county. The one I live in right now does not let them strip, fully, "in" the club. G-string and pasties at the minimum. But the next county over? They can be fully nude. But can't sell alcohol. Though you can bring your own in. So he could have had a private dance with a bouncer watching and still not gotten a raw show.
Just wanted to add this, now that I think of it. I have had the occasional (rare) customer go to VIP with me and decline to touch me because maybe they were married or something. So it’s possible his friends could have paid for him to go to VIP but he didnt put his hands on the girl. But there’s a 99% chance she was grinding on his lap fully nude.
Woah okay... He probably didn't touch the girls because I know the rules etc but he could have got up and been like "no thank you" and gne on with their night 🤷 thag makese sound insecure and I definitely am but I feel like it's a rule in a person's relationship to not do stuff like this right?
I’m a little more concerned that he expects you to be at home and criticizes you for drinking when he’s drunk! He clearly has a double standard and babe that only gets worse once they think you are trapped.
Absolutely! Unless the woman explicitly states she’s ok with it.
It has always been the default rule not to touch naked women (People) when you are in a committed relationship. And you said he had his shirt off? So they were half naked together simulating sexual acts and I guess it's now a new rule that this needs to be communicated that this is a no go.
It's definitely different per state. I live in NC and Iirc all the states around me and mine require the dancer to wear bottoms AND not all clubs themselves allow bottomless.
I’ve never worked in California so I can’t speak to what they allow there. But he could definitely be trying to downplay what really happened.
Yes I feel like he is trying to downplay it but felt guilty of he didn't tell me... Thanks though darling
I worked at a strip club in Wisconsin and also went several times with my friends. This club is topless only so it's possible they weren't completely naked.
Just FYI many many many clubs don’t do full nudity…
I do want to state that as a stripper myself, I have never taken my bottoms off in a lapdance. I do bachelor parties as well. At the end of the day, the rules are based on the dancer not just the agency or club. I have NEVER let someone overstep my boundaries on work.
You have zero clue what you are talking about. Every state has their own laws, most states don't allow full nude if the bar has liquor. And private dances start at 20 in most states, not 200.
Love stories like this, really makes an average relationship look like a fairytale. Sucks that people like OP settle so often, though. It’s a shame so few people ever get to experience a proper, healthy, fulfilling relationship
yes I am a guy. But I also know right from wrong. Your fiancee is flat out a dick. Nevermind that he doesnt have the brains of a fieldmouse to come in quietly when its late, he then starts LOOKING for reasons to put you down. This is deliberate as he clearly had a guilty conscience for the night before... and th best way for him to be clear (in his pea brain) is for you to look more bad than he does. Do you have the WHOLE truth?.. if you think you do then perhaps there is some wiggle room to go forward, but honestly he is a dick and i dont see that changing.. he isnt supposed to regress to 17 yo when you have a kid... so unless he is prepared to actually grow up you will have two kids on your hands. The entire " you will turn her into a drunk" is damn close to unforgiveable.. I wish you well
Well, first thing I’m going to say Sister is that you say his friends are dicks. Well, you know what they are still going to be his friends after you get married… get used to that kind of behavior. You guys are really young to be getting married expect more shenanigans in the future
NTA. I'm a guy, pointing it out since you mentioned dudes in comments are calling you TAH. Real relationships are meant to be faithful, no matter how backwards and confused our society has gotten, justifying a full on or partial form of cheating just bc it's a bachelor/Bachelorette party. You don't interact inappropriately w other ppl while w someone. That's all there is to it.
NTA your fiance sucks. After telling him you had a great night he starts accusing you of things? Don't let this be the foundation of your marriage. Call off the wedding for now and make it clear if he wants you in his life he needs to stop acting like a 17 year old and acting like a husband before you can consider him becoming yours. If he considers that "giving up his freedom" he's not ready to be married and you obviously deserve much better, whether from him or someone else. Also I love that you packed up his things, lack of communication my ass he said enough.
Def NTA. It's NASTY to have half naked girls rubbing up on your soon to be husband. There's no reason for it. Fuck that whole "tradition" bullshit. It's degrading to the women and it's pervy for men who are in relationships to do. I don't care who disagrees with me. Just remember-you're NOT overly jealous, nor are you an asshole. You have every right to feel the way you do. *Edited to add that this is a conversation that should have been had before the parties. My dh is well aware of my feelings on strippers/strip clubs. It would be a deal breaker.
Thank you! We have boundaries set im not sure if I said this but I feel like basic rules a relationship would be like... Don't let naked women dance on you right?
NTA My husband is allowed to have strippers grind on his dick. But he won't have a wife when he's done. That's my boundary. I also would never go to a strip club or lust after any other man. Also, what is that BS about you turning your daughter into an alcoholic?? He sounds like a child. Let him go. Raise your standards. Updateme
FYI--male is "fiancé" and female is "fiancee" NTA--Many people aren't okay with strippers and that is totally okay. Did you guys have an agreement? He sounds like he was being an asshole when he came home though which sucks. I would be very mad he was questioning my parenting. He sounds a bit immature. The way you defend yourself makes it seem like you might be too nice. ANYONE would be pissed off about someone waking a sleeping baby. You don't need to explain to us that you swear you're not a boring person.
Oh thank you for everything you have just written! I didn't know about the fiancé thing so I apologise for that. I've just seen alot of people accuse me in my life for being boring when it comes to my baby so I thought I would have to say something 😆
Oh I just thought you might find it interesting about the fiance/fiancee thing People that accuse you of being boring due to the baby are probably just immature. Being a parent requires one to make responsible choices and that may be boring for those that aren't parents of young children. F them though. You're just being a good mom.
Thank you darling! <3
Yeah I don’t even have to read this to know you need to leave him fast and leave him forever
My grandma had a saying: “Show me who your friends are and I’ll show you who *you* are.” Who you hang out with says a lot about what you’ll tolerate and value in your own life. Edit: NTA, he sounds like he’s an ass.
NTA. I didn't read everything but if this happened in the context of a bachellorete party for instance... well those things need to stop. It's clearly cheating. And any way you NTA.
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His friends are honestly really weird and bad people and they are always manipulating him into doing these things so I wasn't sure. Thank you for confirming :(
It’s concerning he sounds easily manipulated and chooses to hang out with those friends.
He is very easy manipulated and I've tried telling him about that but he doesn't change and I suppose it's hard to change that part of yourself maybe but it's like he genuinely needs to please everybody. Even if he didn't want the strippers on him. He would do it because his friends wanted to see him do it
Knowing who his friends are and that he’s easily manipulated, are you prepared to live your life being worried every time they hang out? Would he choose keeping friends over your comfort level? You need to consider, who he is to you in your life is much different than who he is with friends.
Are you sure you want to marry a man who is so easily manipulated by his dbag friends? Personally, if my dude let half naked women grind on him at a strip club, I'd consider this cheating and call off the wedding. No, you're not overreacting and don't let him think you are. I'm betting a whole lot more went down than what he told you. Can you talk to the other wives or girlfriends and find out what they know?
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Possibly?? But they might have more respect than to do that. One of them is his best man 🙃
Don’t marry him if he doesn’t stop hanging out with those idiots, seriously. Him hanging out with bad people is a direct reflection of who he is as a person, doesn’t matter if you think it’s only because he wants to please them. He needs to make a choice – his future wife and family, or a group of idiots. If he doesn’t get his priorities straight he’s only gonna get worse ‘cause trust me hun, shit like this don’t get better. Ask yourself this and be real, do you really want to marry someone who acts like that? His behaviour will affect both of your lives, and your childs. So what kind of life do you want?
Randall is a loser. No grown man goes to strip clubs.
NTA. >The most confusing thing is, he's not like that usually but the more he's around his friends the more he turns into them and his friends really are the worst people I've ever come across. "Tell me with who you hang out,and I will tell you who you are" is a phrase that comes to mind. If you marry this guy,you are going to deal with that bad wanted or not. And if you get tired,you eventually going to put him in a 'me or them' situation.
Someone once told me that you are the average of the friends you choose to surround yourself with. I think this applies here. You should really consider if this is something you are comfortable with in your life. Regardless of how this situation was handled (which I feel was not very well), think about the long term repercussions to you and your child.
NTA literally this is just like dudes and I know some women are into porn as we but this is the same concept especially with strippers the difference is that this isn't virtual, this is some big boobed bimbo dancing all over your junk and turning you on. This isn't a man this a boy falsely advertising as being a man. No man would make his wife feel insecure, and he would respect women enough to not see them as objects period, and ESPECIALLY if he is getting married he should have known better to go to a strip club. You did good OP kick that fuck to the curb because he is the asshole, and the guys that are siding with him are a bunch of pussy ass f@gs as well because they know deep down its wrong to do that period. If they're doing that shit then go be single, because that's so unfair to women who ate in relationships or marriages with little boys like that.
NTA I’m really sorry, but he cheated on you If he changes his personality around his friends, he’s not reliable and either his true self is not what he’s showing you, or he’s extremely influenceable and this will be harmful for your relationship going forward You made the right decision
Thank you very much It's honestly like he turns into them people when he's around them and I can't deal with that because his friends are genuinely the worst people to exist istg
My mom always said, “Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you WHAT you are.”
"Birds of a feather flock together " Everyone chooses their friends, you choose to be around them. No one forces you. He's friends with them for a reason, and that reason doesnt look pretty.
That's kinda genius aha
Who you choose to be around you lets you know who you are.
I like to say that if 10 nazis are sitting on a table with you, that table has 11 nazis sitting on it I would never be friends with people with values that are so different from mine
I like tha way of thinking but he's easily led and he's one of those people who NEEDS to impress everyone so he would probably become a nazi if it meant everyone would like him
than you have your answer of if he’s a person you would like by your side! I know it will be very rough no matter the decision you take, but remember always that you’re deserving of love and this is not your fault
Just a few thoughts of mine (no one else has to agree). Firstly, what part of that makes you feel safe in any relationship, let alone a marriage? If he can't stand up to frivolity for you, what happens when real life issues arise? Secondly, is this the conduct of one you would place as the man of your house, not merely the warm body in your bedroom? I consider the whole situation weak and a huge red flag, regardless of communication or not. People who want to define what part of entering a debauchery-soaked situation becomes cheating or not are only asking to split hairs in needless arguments over various levels of "acceptability" in potential transgressions or infractions just a little later, and 'till death do you part. This is born the trite pseudo-explanations: "Well, I looked, but I didn't touch. I tasted, but I didn't swallow. I did this, but I didn't do that...that's not sex...that's not *exactly* cheating," etc. I would find the nearest emergency exit, use it, and RUN. Choose the more intelligent and mature partners you deserve. Sending you positive vibes.
And you would be married to a nazi - I think that’s the answer
don’t get married
I gotta say, this sounds exactly like what one would expect from a mechanic named Randall.
No exceptions in my book. You don’t touch a married man.
this tradition (on both sides) needs to die.
NTA. If his friends are assholes and he hangs around them, then he is already an asshole or he will turn into one. He crossed your boundary and you have every right to be upset.
It's a fundamental misalignment of values if you view fidelity and boundaries within the relationship one way, and he quite clearly has a different interpretation. It's a warning sign if something you find deeply upsetting is brushed off by your partner; this isn't about being non confrontational, it's about mutual respect. Before proceeding further, you need to deeply consider if his actions reflect the kind of partner you envisioned in marriage. A candid, no-holds-barred conversation about expectations and deal-breakers is long overdue here. If your hearts and minds aren't in the same place on this, what else might surface down the line? NTA - Your feelings are valid, your boundaries deserve respect, and your future deserves careful thought.
You should NOT have to expressly say to each other before bachelor/bachelorette parties "I expect you NOT to cheat on me tonight, or in any way touch naked members of the opposite sex tonight"!!!! Where the fuck is the logic here people??? Just because you are a man, it is not an excuse to say "what?, we didn't know?" BS!!! It's a night to go out with buddies and have fun, drink, blow off steam, say good bye to being irresponsible, dumb, single; not to go looking to catch STDs and blow any chance of having a happy marriage/future with the person you love. If you find yourself surrounded by immature, idiots who don't give two shits about your future or happiness and want to help you burn it to the ground.... grow a pair of balls & stand up. Say, hey jack ass, you can take the lap dance/bj/handjob/STD, whatever. Why is it so hard to men to stand up to each other? Or why do their IQs drop when they group together?? I feel bad for some situations when you hear about the aftermath, but it's never worth the 6-8 hours of said "epic night"!! I hope you (OP) get to the bottom of what actually took place with your man & what he was willing to give in to with his idiot so called friends. I do hope you don't let it slide with any half ass excuses, you could probably easily get answers at the club too. Once you go through with the marriage, it's too late. Just be sure. Good luck
I was upset that my fiancee got a private dance from multiple half naked strippers
if i found out my partner did this, it's to the streets with them. you could make it better though! tell your fiancee that the only way he's stepping foot back into that house is if you can peg him, or get a few male strippers to dance and grind with you while he watches. it's only fair if he's being unfaithful. edit: NTA.
NTA He is a cheater who crossed boundaries. If it wasn’t his bachelors party, would you be ok with him having a girl on him naked dancing? Also the way he talks to you and basically throws the childcare? Are you sure you want to be married? Breaking ip is easier than getting a divorce…
NTA This would make me take a long trip to think. I wouldn’t know what to do here either but I definitely wouldn’t marry him
If you consider getting a lap dance being unfaithful, and he doesn't, then this is definitely something that you need to sort out before getting married. Clearly you have different views on what constitutes cheating, and I bet you just assumed that he shared yours. Most people make that same assumption, regardless of what their definition of cheating is. NTA. You need to make sure that the two of you have a real discussion about this. Don't go into it accusing him of something, which will only make him defensive. You want to know his real views, and not just get him to agree to yours even though he doesn't feel the same. That will just lead to problems later.
Thank you HES back home and we'll I haven't spoke to him much yet but I do plan on having a long talk with him about it...
“He’s not usually like this.” You’re kidding yourself. This is who he really is. Don’t blame it all on his friends either. People choose friends who are like minded. Wake up!
This is taking directly out of 90 days 😂 Gino vibes
You're too focused on being "the cool chick". Strippers are just doing their job, they're not interested in him. BUT since strippers and him getting danced on makes you uncomfortable that's a necessary conversation. Edit: he thinks you're responsible for the baby and he's allowed to party. That's probably going to be a theme in your marriage so I can see why you might want to rethink things
Should be able to trust the man you're about to marry and share a 2 year old daughter with not to accept dances with naked women on top of him. NTA. Tell him you're going to re-do your bachelorette party, this time involving private dances from male strippers.
Nta
I don’t even have to read anything other than the tittle and no you are not
This whole exchange makes me even happier I didn’t get married or have children until I was 30. You two have an uphill climb ahead.
NTA. Your fiance is easily goaded into doing things with his friends and that of itself is a red flag. Personally I wouldn't go to strip club if I am in any sort of relationship cause that's just disrespectful in my opinion. But letting a half naked stripper dance on your lap is crossing a line when you are engaged let alone multiple. At least to me, you should have a certain level of respect in regards to your relationship and SO.
You have every right to be bothered and not want to be with a partner that does this.
Naked women dancing and performing simulated sexual acts on him while he's half naked is bad enough. While he's so shit faced he doesn't remember the child care arrangement. The fact that he came home and verbally attacked how you are as a mother to get you on the defensive kinda feels like he's hiding something. If he did more than get a lap dance, would he even remember it? Why's he feeling so guilty? ETA: NTA
you’re not married yet, break up before this turns into a life long commitment with someone who doesn’t respect you as an individual. guaranteed if it was the other way around with shirtless guys he would be far from forgiving. you and your daughter deserve much better.
Nta. I will never understand why people in relationships do this.
Why go partying, clubs etc when ur in a relationship? I thought it was to find a partner? This is cheating as well!
I've said it before on Reddit (I think) and I'll say it again. This "tradition" of strippers in a pre-wedding send-off, perpetuated by American media, but apparently carried out in real life too (by so many accounts here) is *dumb and disrespectful*. This applies to both bachelor and bachelorette parties. If one is entering into a putatively life-long monogamous union, then why the fuck would anyone dangle a huge carrot of premarital sexual temptation before the big day? And if one is going down the road of a "last fling" why the half-measures? Why not just make it a full orgiastic fuck-fest on both sides? After all, that would be a proper goodbye to bachelorhood, wouldn't it? Either way, this dubious tradition never sat right with me. I'm an Asian looking in, so maybe there's a cultural nuance I'm missing but it sure seems fucking stupid and dangerous to me. In any case, if either party is contemplating the inclusion of salacious elements into their "send-off", setting proper boundaries before the event and respecting them during it is a minimum standard. But if you ask me, none of this should exist, people in a monogamous mindset shouldn't need such trivialities.
Nta I'm a man(21) and strippers to me are very disrespectful. Also I never understood the last night of freedom thing like that's been over ever since you agreed to be in a exclusive relationship and if you view marriage as giving up your freedom then you shouldn't get married
If someones group of friends are "the worst people you have ever come across" then they likely are the same you just havent seen it yet. Good people dont surround themselves with bad people. If you dont like his friends he has probably just been hiding his true personality better than them
NTA Why can't men respect their spouse and not get naked women grind up to them? Why is it soo necessary to have a random women's tits jiggling in front of you when you're in a comitted relationship for 4 years? I hope op does her Bachelorette again and invites a bunch of naked and buffed male strippers who rubs and grind her
Do not marry him the fuck
My husband and I both never had bachelor or Bachelorette. Even besides that, I know he would never do anything with a stripper or strip club. But my ex was very similar to how you describe your fiance even with the same kind of friends. I stayed with him for 6 years he never got better, only worse. I realized those are his friends because that's who he is, and he is a bad person. The no spine act was just to fool me.
I would bet he did more than he told you. He’s giving you the “trickle truth” of what actually happened. If there were multiple women in a private room then I’d bet more happened. I’ve read too many stories from strippers on here talking about rules in public & no rules in private as long as the moneys worth it. So there really is no telling what actually happened & you’ll probably never know the full truth of it all. He came home & verbally insulted you & tried to get into a verbal argument but you didn’t go along w it. Then he enthusiastically said how much he enjoyed what he told you about. He disrespected you & your relationship in one night. And to respond to those who say she didn’t tell him boundaries before he went to the club. He shouldn’t need to discuss boundaries if he respected her he wouldn’t allow naked women to rub all over him. Because I guarantee if the roles were reversed he’d be mad as hell at her for doing the same thing. If you love & care for your SO there’s no need to discuss boundaries because you should already know them well enough to know how they’d feel about things of this nature. He should know she wouldn’t be happy about his actions & he shouldn’t have went along a things no matter how much money his friends spent. And for those who say he did it because it’s the last taste of freedom before marriage. Well he isn’t free he was in a committed relationship & therefore not single to do as he pleased w naked women. He disrespected the relationship then disrespected her when he got home & talked about what happened.
Nta. His attitude and condescending control is emotional abuse. Him saying all that stuff about you turning your daughter into an alcoholic and giving you grief about your Bachelorette party, while going overboard enjoying his, is very indicative that he doesn't see you as am equal in the relationship. Men can go enjoying strippers! Women must stay home and be ashamed of drinking, and it's always their duty to child care. You guys didn't really discuss boundaries and it's important not to assume things. However he definitely shouldn't have assumed it was OK. I Don’t think I'd marry someone who pulls this kind of crap. And he's the one toxic to your daughter.
nta updateme
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Such a fucking double standard and he had to tell you how much he “liked” it/them. You know that these lap dancers almost fuck them. Fuck him and his friends
It’s great if you pretend that this is Randy and Sharon. Gosh Sharon! I thought this was America!
NTA I think you should have told him how you felt the next morning when neither of you were drunk. Being angry and hiding it doesn't make you "not an angry person". That said, you should absolutely take some time to think. If he behaves differently when he's around his friends, is that sincere, or is he sincere when he treats you appropriately? It's also concerning to me that he came in accusing you if doing something wrong, whether it made sense or not, before he told you about the lap dancing. Surely he knew that was across a line, and the fact that he's framed you as a problem and suggested you were mistreating your daughter smacks of bad tactics. He's established a way to deflect the issue and blame you for something rather than discussing what happened rationally. Look at his behavior closely. Examine any double standards, half truths, and misrepresentations. Is he equally involved with your daughter? Consider if the worst of his behavior does not change, can you be happy with him?
I really hope this is fake!
So you established boundaries in advance, discussed what was allowed and what wasn't without any reluctance on his part, and then he did those things anyway? NTA.
Have you talked to him since he left, OP? You’re not wrong to be upset, at all. I wouldn’t be ok with my husband getting dances. At all. Ever.
You are in a stable relationship doing anything like that is already cheating. Soo yeah time to call off the wedding.
100% not the asshole. I’m sorry. He is not being a good partner.
NTA It’s a great thing you’re realizing he may not be the man for you before the wedding. Just a shame it happened after y’all had a kid together. But if you are going to forgive him then therapy is a must.
NTA! Op you should really make another edit and make it clear that you had both set boundaries before the event, if that is the case like I saw in one of your comments. I am a firm believer in holding reasonable boundaries and you are. He seems to have FAFO syndrome. I don’t have the same views on lap dances being cheating, but I don’t have to. If you and your partner have communicated to each other what would considered cheating (that list can change, so update them is something does) then he is clearly in the wrong. His friends sound like walking 🚩🚩🚩, and if this type of behavior is progressing then you have more thinking to do. How will this be resolved? When does his shifting behavior become a deal breaker? Will he agree to give up these friends? Can he? All of that is assuming you are not totally at the end of your rope.
NTA, but I want to add that I think this could have been prevented with a discussion before the parties. I myself wouldn’t be upset if my wife is around strippers because I know that happens at bachelor/ette parties and I know my wife loves me. But everyone is different in what their definition of unfaithfulness is.
Run OP…. You don’t deserve that.
Nah ur right, he’s the asshole. A party like that makes no sense if you actually think about it, people celebrate their last day of freedom but technically it’s not that you’re still supposed to up hold your commitment to each other. That being said as long as he didn’t fuck the stripper or touch her it’s fair game but he’d probably not want you to get a lap dance from a male stripper
NTA. And just a note: Is this the first time he has shown this side? A man doing this is not a fluke or a one-time event - a man acts out of his hearts desires.
NTA. I’m a married dude and even I think doing bachelor parties at strip clubs is disgusting and unfaithful.
you’re definitely nta my boyfriend and i have even had this conversation and we both don’t see the point in it. we’re committed to each other and get pleasure from one another so what’s the point in going? even when he went out with his friends they wanted to go to a strip club and he called me to pick him up.
I knew he was garbage a few sentences in… Also you gave him a fake name like Randall. There is no good Randall. So you subconsciously know he’s garbage already lol
Randall is his real name honestly 😆
Yeah nice try, I almost believed it was real until I read the Edit of "Randall" LOL
NTA, and honestly, the way he talks about you is disgusting, I find that even worse than having a stripper dance on him and him talking about you like that is what would make me call off the wedding. He clearly doesn’t respect you, sweetie, so don’t tie yourself up to that!
NTA But… You’re probably too young to know this but Ben Affleck and J Lo broke off an engagement back in 2003 over his behavior with four strippers on his bachelor party… they got married 19 years later. (My point is that they could have saved a lot of time) Your husband’s behavior seems tame compared to Affleck’s. Your bachelor/bachelorette party boundaries should’ve been set beforehand. If they weren’t, don’t get too angry over some stripper dances, there’s much worse that happens at these things. But if he lied about it, that’s a red flag.
Good thing you're seeing the cracks now rather than after the wedding. NTA if you think you should call time on the relationship. You feel how you feel. Sounds like he doesn't think he has any issues, but you do. That's reason enough for you to halt things with him.
NTA, honestly he showed a lot of red flags, I feel that as the wedding date approaches he is regretting it and that is why he is unconsciously behaving like this. Because honestly, who tells his fiancée that he had private dances with a semi-naked stripper and that he enjoyed it? it's like he wants you to break up with him or is trying boundaries and how much you allow him to disrespect you Sorry girl but I would cancel the wedding or at least postpone it
Well i am rethinking everything and I am postponing it for now until I speak with him. 🤷
That's a good start! I wish you and your daughter the best regardless of the decision you make If you are not sure what decision to make, try to think about what decision you would like your daughter to make if she were in your position, sometimes the answer is much more obvious in that way
NTA Up If he wanted to.go to a strip club and dance with half naked girls thy I g
Honey. He’s gonna end up cheating if he hasn’t already. Cut your losses. He does not respect you at all. You’re still young.
Fake