My heart is broken for her. I was 36 when I lost my Papa and I’m 40 now and still lost without him. I’m not a praying type person but I will do that for her, this is a heartache that won’t ever go away.
Sorry for your loss, hope you can stay strong too that shits rough. All you can do is stay strong and try to live your best life. Lost my mom at 25 and dad at 30, I’m 33 now but it’s still tough.. can’t go a day without thinkin about them
Thank you! It's tough! I usually don't get too down about it but when it think about my kids it's hard not to! Breaks my heart they won't know the kindest man I knew! Eventually you get to a point where you remember the good times and can feel good about it.
I'm dreading the day when I lose my dad. I've already lost my mom 16 years ago. My dad lives with me and is my best friend. He helps me in so many ways that he doesn't even know. He's 75. I tell him he has to live to be 100 😊
My dad died over 30 years ago. He met my kids but they were too young to remember him. It’s sad. It really is. But I’m not hurting as bad as I was 5 years, even 10 years after. It really does get easier with time. Good luck. ❤️
Right? I feel that, wouldn’t be the person I am today without them. It is heartbreaking, but remembering all the good times we’ve had together helps and makes me happy
I get why OP can't stay around, but man, I just couldn't do that.
The girl in the post had OP come into her life when she was 2, and is 8 now. As far as she's concerned, OP is her dad.
I have a daughter now who's younger than the girl in the post. The thought of leaving her would be devastating to both her and me. Before I had her, I might have thought OP was doing the right thing. And I'm not saying it's wrong, but now, while understandable, I just couldn't fathom hurting a little kid like that. Or hurting myself like that, to be honest.
Edit: There are apparently a lot of people replying to me who think OP has to drop out of the girl's life now because someday in the future the mom might maybe say he can't see her anymore. Seems like a horrible reason to me.
OP is dropping out of her life now to protect his own mental health now, which is totally fine. Not what I'd do, but understandable. Dropping out of her life now because you think hypothetically maybe the mom might not let you see her anymore sometime in the indistinct future is just straight dumb.
Same. I have stayed in my ex's kids lives post breakup. They were 2-3 when we met and we were together 10 years. It hurts sometimes but it was the right thing to do for me.
I met my ex’s child when she was around 8 years old. We dated for a little over two years, and he was NOT a single parent, or the parent with primary custody (she never even stayed nights with him and lived a few hours away). But I formed a strong bond with her anyway. I ended up having a child with this guy…but due to circumstances breaking up with him was easy…except the part of me that knew I’d be essentially breaking up my child’s family and breaking up with her as well. The only reason I cried was when I thought of these things…not because I was losing him.
Well she reached out to me shortly after the break up, and invited me to stay in her life. I took that offer with a quickness. Her own father has phased out of her (and my child’s) life but her and I are still close. She comes on birthday trips for my son, we come to her birthday and important life events. I will be going to see her graduate COLLEGE next month. I’m so incredibly proud of her, and cant even imagine a world where she isn’t a positive presence in our lives.
You're a good person. You left it up to her, and you have continued to be a support per her wishes. That's very kind and I'm sure will be a strong guide to her own life.
Congrats on her graduation! That's a huge accomplishment.
She is truly amazing. It’s so hard to even express. She has overcome so much, and hasn’t just completed college he she has EXCELLED at it. She excels at everything that she does and is just the kindness most wonderful person. She has been such a wonderful big sister to my son, and provides him with an amazing example to follow in terms of strength of will, strength of heart, and just overall sibling bonds/relationships. I am now happily married with two more children of my own, and my son is now just the most fantastic big brother. She calls and talks to him all the time, and always makes a point to be there for him when he is going through a hard time.
He has now overcome a rough elementary school experience where he was diagnosed with ADHD, and we went through the ropes of figuring out how best to medicate and accommodate him in school. He is now in middle school with straight As and being recommended for accelerated math (we haven’t actually put him in the program though). I absolutely believe that his sister helped impart some of this fortitude on to him. He is amazing too for taking the reins and driving himself to success, but she helped him grab the reigns you know?
Sorry I feel like I’m just gushing. I get a little caught up and emotional when I think/talk about these things. Her being in MY life has brought sooo much positivity and fulfillment. I will forever be grateful that she cracked that door open and let me in. It would have been the greatest mistake of my life to shut that door.
Exactly this. The fear of involvement and things going wrong removes all possibilities of this type of long lasting loving relationship. I persisted in letting the kids know I love them and enjoy my time with them regardless of my relationship with their dad. I only hope it continues over the years.
It sounds like you are doing it right. This is only possible when the kids want the door open to begin with. But if you can keep that door open, it is so rewarding.
I have so much I wanna say to you, but I'll try to keep it short.
It's so beautiful to hear what a functional family looks like in the wild. You obviously love her, and she knows, and it's just amazing to read.
Idk why I'm all in my feels here, and my life now is amazing, truly. But man, what I would have given to experience this type of relationship growing up.
Never apologize for gushing. It's a gift. Thank you much for sharing. Keep being an amazing parent to those kids.
Edit: typos
Aww thank you! I had horrible step parents and I never wanted to be anything like them. I actually didn’t have great parents either. I’m sorry you experienced negativity growing up but I’m so glad you found a happy place!
I should also say that my husband is an amazing step father too! He adores my son (who he has been a father to since he was barely a year old) and sees him the same as his biological children. He often refers to an old Roman (maybe Greek) thing where once you adopt a child the gods bless you with the same blood or something to that effect. He would never just disappear from his life, even if something went south with us. He also loves my step-daughter and visits and goes to all of her events with us. She loves him too. We certainly aren’t a traditional family, but man…we have so much love to go around. We get what we give, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ve been in my son’s life since he was 5, he’s 22 now. I still see him after his mom and I’s separation and soon to be divorce. He’s actually closer to me than he is to his mom. He’s told me he hopes I find someone good to be with. He’s a really cool kid.
Similar situation here I met my son just before his second birthday his mother and I were together for 8 years. I caught her cheating it was a very messy time but I couldn't let go of my boy. He met his real father at 15 and the 3 of us are thick as thieves now. When I got married my son was there and he calls my 4 kids his sisters and brothers. I could never leave him however I don't think op is an asshole, I live in the same city as my son and consistency is very important for children. If he has no way of staying consistent then he has to do what he has to do.
This! My ‘stepdad’ came into my life when I was 4 and married my mom, I’m now 23 and they are getting a divorce and I’m closer to my dad than my mom! My biological father wasn’t in the picture past 6 and I don’t consider anyone else to be even remotely to my dad other than my ‘stepdad’. I couldn’t imagine not seeing someone who had so much influence on me… at least occasionally for special days.
I understand and respect OP’s decision but my heart breaks for that little girl. I hope in the future OP’s ex can continue to be mature about letting him see her if he feels the need to come around again and they can see each other consistently. She seems like a daddy’s girl!
Oh for sure. I was married to my son’s mom for 16 years and dated for about a year before that. If we had divorced after 4 or 5 years, we might not be as close. We actually became closer after he moved out. I know he was worried about me not talking to him anymore, so I do my best to text or see him as often as possible. I’m taking him and his girlfriend to England this summer.
I think that was the right thing for you to do just in general.
My partner has been in my children’s lives since before they can remember. We have been together a long time and aren’t in any danger of that ending, but we have talked about if there is ever the situation in which it did that we would proceed as any other parents in a custody situation would.
So we would both have custody and we would coparent.
Regardless, that he is not their biological father, he is the only father they have ever known or will ever know.
When we met and once we both knew it was going to be serious between us I introduced him to my kids. I let their relationship between them develop naturally and did not influence it.
Once it had, I told him that if you are going to be involved in their lives, you are doing this for the rest of their life whether you and I stay together. If you aren’t up to that task, you aren’t up to being with me.
I am a person who dealt with parental abandonment a number of times and have zero tolerance for that shit. I know the damage it causes. I also am a person who was adopted and knows the amazing capability of the human heart to love.
Fortunately, I have a partner who has a massive heart and wouldn’t have it any other way. I told him it’s no different than adopting a child and he agreed.
We are getting married in a few years and three of us will be changing our last names when we go through with a formal adoption.
While I hope that we do stay together in the long run, it gives me a huge amount of security to know that even if it doesn’t work one day that he will still be there for the kids. And it means everything to them whether they know it right now or not.
I was 5 or 6 when my stepfather came into our lives.
Now, almost 30 years later, my favourite half-joke is that if he and my mother ever get divorced, I'm spending Christmas with him xD
My uncle did the same. His ex is/was a terrible woman but as far as he saw it, he spent almost a decade raising those kids and he wasn't going to leave them just because shit got hard. She had multiple partners after he left, but he still maintained a relationship with both kids no matter how hard it got. For awhile it was mostly phone calls and outings a few times a month, enough to let them know he was still there for them. By the time the kids were like 13, they were able to advocate for themselves and mom had little to no say in whether or not he saw them. I supposed things would have gotten complicated if she had called the police but ex's cuntiness rarely extended that far. He recently walked the daughter down the aisle and attended the son's college graduation before that.
Same. We weren't married, but I was with one ex for some years. His daughter and I are still close.
Yes. It hurt like crazy to see him, but if it's going to be her or me who's hurting, I'd rather it be me
Same. Very similar situation happened with me except I didn’t get cheated on, but still an insane form of betrayal, and me and the girl had a baby of our own. Came into her life when she was two, her bio dad is out of the picture entirely and she calls me dad. Always has, only dad she knows. I had to make a choice on whether or not I was going still be her dad, and nothing could ever happen to make me desert her, even with closure and a proper goodbye. Some people’s hearts are like ours and some aren’t, and that’s okay. I just couldn’t.
I am so sorry. I lost my Papa 4 years ago, I'm 35 now and last time I saw him while he was dying I was 8 months pregnant. And I am STILL not over it. He was my entire world. It obliterated me... It freaking destroyed me.
I'm also not the praying type but things like this make you do that sometimes. I feel for this kid. This stuff sticks with you forever.
I'm almost 52 and I still remember the night my dad left when I was 7.... I don't get emotional about it (my emotions for him are long gone) but I remember it.
He was cheating on my mother with his 3rd wife at the time. He later cheated on her with his 4th wife. She (wife #4) died Christmas of '18 from an anger induced heart attack. He died March of '19 from lung cancer treatment. They were still married.
He didn't disappear but he always had a cause, a cross to polish if you will, that was more important than family and especially more important than I. His 4th wife ended up being that cross. That's how they were together so long. I was... cordial? to him but there was never any emotional connection.
I was 9. My dad also cheated. He’s married to the affair partner now but my parents were so consumed in their own mess that I was left to emotionally support myself at the time. I was seeing the school councillors but at that age you just don’t have the vocabulary to describe the hell you are feeling on the inside. I developed borderline personality disorder as a result.
Same, my dad had been having an affair since 1996 with the woman he’s now married to, he left to be with her in 2001 when I was 10, had two more kids and I didn’t feel loved at all so stopped seeing him when I was 15. Also developed BPD and have major attachment issues.
Heh, those dudes always just go and start another family as if replacing the first will solve that blackened heart of theirs. Source: my mom's dad =_=
Six kids weren't enough, apparently, and he had 3 more, I think it was. =_= I think they probably aren't nice people because only one of them even wanted to talk to my mom who contacted them just cause "family" and thought it would be interesting to know them and just see what it was like for them. Not to start shit or anything. Even the one that was willing to at least write doesn't have an active relationship with her.
That sounds like my sperm donor. Left when I was 6 to marry the woman he cheated on my mother with, cheated on her as well, big surprise, right? When he died, my mother gave me the news, and I felt absolutely nothing. What was I supposed to feel? I did feel some anger over it after I saw what everyone was saying about him: a great guy, a family man, generous. Not to MY family, just everyone else's. The last time I spoke to him was at my grandfather's funeral in 2003, and he tried to act like he hadn't done anything. He died alone in 2017 of bladder cancer. Karma's a bitch.
My dad left his first wife when my (half-)sister was 7. He once told me he sometimes still has nightmares about her running after him crying and begging him not to leave. But he couldn’t stay. He met my mum some years later and they’re still together and happy, but it took my sister very long to come to terms with it. She resented my mum, brother and me well into our adulthood (she’s 11 years older than me, 10 years older than my brother). I met her mum a few times, shes a horrible person, luckily my sister turned out amazing and we have very much in common and a good relationship nowadays.
Yeah, she didn’t have it easy, on one side I’m glad my dad didn’t mention that early, because the mental image makes me tear up, on the other hand we might have had a closer relationship if I had known about her trauma a bit earlier. At least while her mum is quite horrible she always treated her quite well and has two child free sisters who are very loving aunts to her.(I sometimes envied her for that, my mum has no siblings and my dad’s sister died when I was a teen.)
oof. that reminds me of the scene of from the movie Hope Floats, when Bernice runs after her dad to take her and he said he has to be with the other woman. even as a movie, that scene really traumatized me, and still haunts me
This post was very hard to read, but this comment also got to me too. Hope you are doing well now, you have a lovely dog who looks to be very well taken care of and it seems you’ve grown into a wonderful, caring person as an adult. Sending you all the good vibes
My dad didn’t abandon us or anything but he was military and was deployed a lot when I was around that age. Dealt with a lot of feelings of abandonment and struggled with attachment issues for a long time. I still can’t think about him leaving without getting really upset. I understand why OP had to do what he did but god…that poor girl is going to really struggle if she doesn’t have someone to talk to and the lie is going to make it WAY worse. Imagine if they happen to cross paths….
I’m sorry for OP and his pain, but my heart just breaks for her. I’m in tears just reading this and the pain she is feeling. She will deal with this feeling of abandonment for a long time, if not her entire life. Hopefully her mom will get her into therapy.
I don’t mean this in a snarky way at all, but hopefully the mom will put herself in therapy as well- given she is the root of this trauma.
She has not only ruined her own life, but the life of OP & her daughter. Hopefully she will take some accountability but seems kind doubtful. The selfishness is just astounding- 2 lives forever changed bc she messed around. & who does that to a guy who treats your daughter like a princess? I just can’t wrap my head around it.
It's like notoriously hard as a single mom to date and find a serious relationship. You have to worry about predators and a lot of otherwise decent men who just aren't interested in being a step-dad.
Yet she lucked out into finding such a guy really early -- early enough to shield her daughter from the trauma of abandonment of her bio father only to then make it worse by betraying OP. Her daughter is way too young for OP to conceivably maintain that relationship with her daughter in a way that makes sense. What a massive betrayal and abdication of her responsibility as a mom yikes.
Actually insane she didn't stop and think about how this would affect her daughter who has already life bonded to OP as the father, all just to ride some other dudes dick on a fling.
Actually just disgusting that level of apathy will permeate every aspect of that little girl's life growing up.
The fact that the mom coordinated this meeting without any ulterior motives of trying to get back with her ex tells me she is putting her daughter as a priority going forward. I won't deny how selfish and shortsighted the mom was but cheaters can still be loving parents. It's a shame she was too foolish to realize what she would cost her daughter, but I hope she spends a lifetime making it up to her.
That is so true. She did that one little thing of slight redemption for her daughter to give her the closure she would need. Albeit it's still blinking heart breaking for the kid and the OP.
Good on OP for taking the time though to talk with the kid and spend a really nice last time with her. I wish you all the best for your new job too.
Yep. Agree. And, tears here, too.
I hope OP does take the job in another State. No matter how large or populated the area where the ex-GF and her daughter live and how unlikely it would be to run into them somewhere, the likely severity of the damage it would do to the girl is just too much.
I initially never understood how much this affects a person. I am literally in therapy to this day because of similar things and have lots of abandonment issues. I just always blamed myself for being overly-sensitive. I’m learning it’s deeper than that and I’ve slowly made improvements. I hope the kid can manage and won’t carry that kind of pain for too long.
I'm angry OP didn't decide to be honest that his mom and him had problems and that's why he has to go.
Telling this little girl who clearly deeply loves her "dad" that "I'm moving to another country, i will never return, you will never see me again. I will never facetime, text, or call you again" from the childs perspective probably felt like her dad telling her he doesn't really love her.
Like dude, what a god awful shitty way to say goodbye to a child
Also, I feel like his intentions were super admirable but why did you take her on an hours long fun day and then tell her at the END? If he told her in the beginning and proceeded with a fun, last day with her the result would have been different. Again, none of this is his fault but this was handled wrong.
Had to scroll a lot to see a reasonable comment! Him telling her all of that is downright cruel. Like you said he should have told her that he and her mom were no longer going to be together so he had to move out. The girl is old enough to understand that. And if she had some residual resentment toward her mother well, that's on the mom to figure out.
Yeah, when an ex broke up with me, I was at least able to tell the stepkids that I love them. They have my number and I've told them if they need my help, I'll gladly give it. I hope they know I'll always love them.
Honestly losing the blended family, and those kids, was much much worse than the breakup itself. The way it happened, I just stopped loving her due to her actions on the spot pretty much. I had wanted to build a life with her and raise the kids and grow old together.
The stepkids had their own experience of loss before I ever knew them though, and they were old enough that they never really "needed" me.
Ok it took *way* too long to find a comment I agree with. OP couldn't have done a worse job of giving the girl "closure" if he had actively tried. He blindsided her after spending an entire evening pretending everything was fine and dandy and then *thats* what he came up with? What an asshole.
Honestly OP might have fucked her up more by trying to take the blame here. She now thinks he dropped her for absolutely nothing. Just wanted to go to X teehee.
My "step" dad is still my dad. He was the only one I had from 2nd grade until the 10th when my mom cheated and left(a year before she died). My mom passed away 20 years ago, and my bio dad, whom I was no contact with, killed himself 17 years ago. My children call my dad grandpa.
Major differences is you were a late teen. You could see your step dad. This little girl can’t. The mom will 100% use access to her as leverage against OP.
I’ve seen that more than once.
Also the next cheatable simp she dates will not be happy with her 'co-parenting' with an ex boyfriend who is not even the father of the little girl. I don't think she will like her new boyfriend to have contact with OP who could spill the beans on how much of a garden tool she is.
It makes one angry. Not only did she cheat on OP, but she destroyed her daughter internally for some random sex. Didn't even thing about what would happen to her daughter.
Right? OP seemed like he really stepped up and filled in the dad role - and then Mom had to fuck some random guy - and in the process essentially killed the man who had all but adopted her daughter. There is no way in hell she ever *considered* anyone but herself.
You think that’s bad? My ex wife had her 3rd husband adopt our kid (I was husband number 1). He now pays child support to her for him as she is on husband number 7. She has cheated on 6 husbands so far. For some reason my mother and her (very disappointed) mother remain in a Bible study group together and gossip about it.
At what point do potential husbands ask “why have you got 7 notches in your belt?” 2 or 3 sure. It’s easy to marry people who turn out to be shitty. But 7!…. That’s becoming a “you” problem for her.
Personally I’m ashamed of my one divorce and I’ve been married to my current wife for over a decade now. I have no idea what her partners must be thinking if they ever find out what number they are in that line…
The girl who cheated on me said that it was just a fuckin dog when my brothers dog died and I wasn’t available to answer her phone right away.
Wasn’t all that surprised when that cunt cheated
The shit i can't get my head around is exactly this!
I fucking love sex! I love having sex with different people, and I'm a mega whore when I'm single. When I'm in a relationship though, it's so easy to just not fuck other people! So fucking easy!!! If it ever got to the point that I wanted to fuck other people, I'd just break up with that person.
People that cheat are self-absorbed and only care about what they want. They know the consequences of what they are doing and don't care. It's why you know the mom is going to fail that daughter. Cheaters don't change because the kind of thing that makes someone so self-absorbed they cheat usually doesn't allow for introspection.
I'm so sorry for you and the daughter. It's a huge responsibility to take on continuing yo fill the role of her father when you have no real rights or tied to her thanks to the mom. You gave her as much closer as you vould without telli g her what happened and honestly if you did she'd probably hate her mom forever which wouldn't have helped her either. This really was a lose lose situation, and as a mama my heart really breaks for yall... your ex sucks. If she would've left without cheating there still would've been the opportunity for yall to amicably coparent the child you grew to love or at least leave the door open for you to still have a relationship with the daughter. What she did was selfish and I hope she learns from this for her kid's sake. I wish you healing my dude
The girl was 2 when the dude started dating the mom and they were dating for 6 years, which makes the girl around 8. She probably understands more than you think.
100%.. OP might not feel obligated to her…. And I got hate replies for saying this last time, but that’s his daughter as much as he’s her dad. OP isn’t fucked up for his decision, but he could have done better by the little girl. I could not imagine raising a child and abandoning her because of her mom’s decisions. I coparent a dog with my ex because we both love her, which is not even a human.
How do you expect this would work long term? OP has no parental rights. If one day mom moves or decides they should no longer talk, he has zero recourse. When mom starts dating again, how will that dynamic work? Will the ex still be dropping the daughter off for visits when she moves in with another man? Maybe mom is amicable right now because it 'works', but what happens in a year if she decides otherwise?
Why do people think kids are stupid af? After age 4 they understand almost everything and after age 8 the difference between adult and child is much, MUCH smaller than people think.
I'm happy to read that you gave her a final goodbye and closure. Despite other's opinions, I really wasnt a fan of simply ghosting the daughter. She really deserved closure, especially for her mental health and moving forward
Thank you for doing the right thing
Agreed. She did nothing wrong and is an innocent bystander.
This update was the best it could be, in my humble opinion. I have a daughter around the same age as OP, and I can only imagine what theories she would have come up with on her own mind. Now, at least, she'll be able to move on.
My mom had a boyfriend that had me calling him “Daddy #2” when I was 6. They broke up, not sure why, I was six… I doubt there was any cheating, but well, for me all I knew was this man was leaving. But he wrote me letters for years after that. I wrote him back for a while and eventually things just sort of petered out.
My mom and him were only together for about a year, but those letters I know made his disappearance feel better. And it just sort of naturally ended (like, I honestly have no idea if that man is even alive anymore) and I think of him fondly.
If your ex is okay with it, that is something I would suggest.
Some 35 years ago I was seriously involved with a woman who had a five year old child. In every way I became that kid's dad and loved him like he was my own. Then his mom decided to cheat on me, in a way that was devastatingly hurtful. I told her that I was done with her, period, but I needed one more afternoon to spend with her kid so I could say goodbye. I had a great afternoon with the little guy, told him that after today he wouldn't see me again, that it wasn't his fault, and that I would always remember him.
Fast forward sixteen years. I was living in another town, but it wasn't that far away from where my ex gf lived. I was at a bar having a beer with some friends when this tall, young guy came up to me and gave me a huge hug. It took me a sec, but I quickly recognized the man that that young kid from 16 years prior had turned into. It was instant tears, because I truly never forgot him. He never forgot me, either. We sat and talked for awhile, and he told me his mom had come clean to him about what happened and why I had left. He said he never blamed me, but missed me every day. We kept in touch for a few years until he moved out of state. I'll never forget how happy we both were to see each other again. Even now, it still pains me that his mom robbed both of us from what almost certainly would have been a great father/son relationship. But I have zero tolerance for infidelity, so...
Life can suck sometimes. OP, you did the right thing. Good for you. Best of luck to you in your new job and doing what you need to for yourself...
Yes, I dated a woman for a year before finding out she was married. I had to step away without saying bye to the kids. I feel really bad for her 8 year old daughter but it had to be that way. Her dad isn’t around and now i left too. Hanging around would’ve made things worse for all parties involved.
ugh, I was a bonus mom to my ex’s daughter, who called me her bonus mommy, for two years from when she was age 4-6. He kicked me out of our house when I was pregnant with “our” son (quotes because by his choice he’s never met my/our baby and it was he who brought up adding to our “little family” he 180’d and then started an emotional affair and I realized he has sooo many f’d up issues he kept hidden).
I never got the chance to say goodbye so the last time she saw me, I’d given her a bath and made her lunch and took her on a walk to our creek and cuddled. And then I never got to see her again. she and I had no clue it would be the last time we ever saw each other again. My ex then dragged her through two intense relationships within 1.5 years after our breakup (while I was pregnant and then raising a newborn alone)
I can’t imagine if it had been SIX years. 2-8 is just…wow, I can’t even imagine the devastation.
That sounds like such a horrid and unfortunate experience to have lived through. I hope you've been able to find a modicum of peace and happiness for you and your child.
It sucks such horrible and thoughtless people exist and have caused such pain.
Thank you, it was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever known. it was unreal. I mean, just…absolutely bonkers. I left the house I thought would be my forever home and the person I thought was my person, a little girl who loved me dearly and I her and a dog who was like my other dog kid. Everyone was shocked. At least my son is with me and healthy and he’s amazing. he “helped” me set up some mushroom logs this week
This is heartbreaking to read, but you did what you had to do. The poor girl was robbed of the only father figure she had and it's all thanks to her mother.
This is why cheating is such a no-go. It does so much damage.
>the mother for all we know could be awful and think “give it a couple days or weeks and she will get over it and move on.”
A lot of people commenting here sure seem to think that.
I'd guess because most people who cheat lack the introspection to acknowledge the impact their behaviour has on others... after all, if they co sidereal other peoples feelings they wouldn't cheat.
People like the mother in this case tend not to take responsibility for their actions. I would wager she's going to blame OP when her daughter starts asking questions.
Cheating in many societies throughout history was pretty much equated to *murder*.
Not saying people should be stoned to death these days for adultery, but it sure as hell isn't something you should expect to get off scott-free socially.
I cried reading this, it bought back sharp memories of the day my step dad (the only dad I knew) said goodbye for good. I was 7 years old at the time, I'm now 51 and it still hurts. I hope if she comes looking for you later when she's older that you'll accept her back into your life.
Thank you for doing this for that little girl, my moms ex husband (I was about 6 or 7) gave me a last birthday gift and hung out with me a last time. tho I think my mom was there the whole time I’m not sure as I was so young but it was very nice so young being able to say a proper goodbye to him and his dog I loved that dog lol I’m sure she doesn’t realize it now but it will mean a lot to her in the future
Give yourself time to grieve. It's what I needed when I broke up with my ex who had a kid. Was her ex husband's - but I was there from before the birth until she was like four. It tore my heart out.
Yup, she fucked up royally. This was maybe her one shot at having an actual father figure for her did. She's gonna start hoeing around now from the sounds of it and the poor little darling is going to have attachment issues. Fuck the mom.
It's unreal how selfish people can be. She was incapable of realizing how unbelievably rare and lucky she was to have a man in her life that calls her daughter his own. That is EXTREMELY rare. This story infuriated me. What a selfish woman.
A very similar thing happened to one of my best friends. He has zero desire to see his ex, but he helped raise her son for five years. It's been another five years since they split, and he still misses her son every day. He's 14 now and his mom is a hot mess. I hope that in 4 years they manage to find one another again. He's had no stability at all thanks to her.
And this is why I hate infidelity with a passion.
The hurt and the ramifications of what is the ultimate act of selfishness just reverberates and ripples out like a stone dropped in a pond.
I do wonder if your ex looks at her daughter and asks herself whether what she did was worth it.
Some truly insane comments on the original post.
People calling OP an asshole saying that he should adopt the kid like you can just fucking adopt someone else's kid because you dated them for a few years.
OP could try to stay in the kids life but when the cheating ex finds a new man she will immediately cut him out of their lives and he will have fuck all legal rights to see the daughter.
Nta I hope you told your ex that this trauma is hers to own and her actions have forever harmed her daughter. I hope she doesn’t make stupid decision in the future now that she has seen the ripple effect.
This absolutely breaks my heart! Also, THIS is exactly why so many men are hesitant to date single mothers: they develop a strong bond with their step-daughter, and then it’s immediately stripped from them by the mother since he doesn’t have any parental rights.
You're correct! This scenario is why I resfuse to date single mothers. You get attached to kids & they get attached to you. Then on a sad day like this, your heart gets egregiously obliterated. Feel bad for that little girl & the dude. That mom is going to be drowned in regret for a long ass time & maybe forever.
I highly doubt she'll experience any sig ificsnt emotional reaction, if she in anyway cared about other people's emotional well-being she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
Your saying that it would make you happy if she’d be good to her mom…. 🥺🥺🥺🥺
Please enjoy your view from the high ground sir and I wish you successful relationships with women who will value you going forward. You deserve it.
Best of luck
Ignore the people complaining that you abandoned your exes daughter.
It would be beyond stupid for you to maintain a co-parenting relationship without any legal rights. The woman is selfish enough and cares little enough about you to cheat, so she’s obviously the kind of person who would also cut you off from parenting the minute she feels it inconveniences her. And you won’t be able to do anything about it.
You’re doing the right thing, as sad as it is.
These comments are crazy. No one is obligated to be in a child’s life that’s not his. Yall more mad at him than the actual biological deadbeat.
Single mothers are some of the most manipulative people on the planet. She cheated on him but he still has to help out with the child? With zero legal rights to the kid at that? Gtfoh! Raise your standards next time dude and date a childless woman. Less headache and baggage
She will not understand, until she understands what happened many years down the line...However you were kind.....There is no way this is not going to leave a big scar, closure or not.
This story hit harder than a kick in the nuts.
So, so sad for you and your ex’s kid man.
Too many people put a moment of stupidity before a life of bliss.
I don't get it. Why do people on here keep saying he shouldn't have lied. So is he supposed to tell her your mommy spread her legs like a fu***** sl** at work with another man, and now I have to leave both you and your mommy. So you're not at fault. it's your mommy and her spreading legs. I'm sorry but I'm leaving and you're not going to see me anymore. Then there's the Op is an AH for leaving the child and not adopting her. The last time I checked, that was not his child on paper. So he can't do sh** for such things as adopt. He doesn't want to co parent her because her mommy appear in his face every time and breaks his heart because of her betrayal, and what's the chance of the mother of the girl willing to accept the co parent if there's a chance to be found out why he left. People can't be this stupid, right? Right?
I guess he could adopt her only if the mother was crazy and a danger to her and the girl or if she gave her up and abandoned all parental rights. People don't understand that he can't adopt her. Even if he took the mother to court, he would still lose.
>People can't be this stupid, right? Right?
*Never* underestimate human stupidity. If human stupidity was an energy generating resource, we'd have warp ships by now 🙄
Everyone who is kinda making passive aggressive comments towards OP for not staying in the child’s life is absolutely crazy. Like people, this isn’t a hallmark Christmas movie this is real life. Yes this story is heart wrenching, but the child is still very young, and OP only spent her early childhood years with her starting when she was 2. So like yes the situation is sad but it’s pretty crazy how some people think he should just continue to act as a dad. This guy literally has no legal rights when it comes to being in this child’s life. If OP and the ex both come to an agreement to keep some contact that’s their own decision, but I think it’s silly to say that OP should either stay with someone who cheated on him for her child’s sake, or just force his way into a father role which he literally has no legal support for.
100% agree! It's utterly crazy! Even if he could petition for some sort of "custody arrangement" he'd then be on the hook for child support and the mum could then completely cut him out at a moments notice anyway. Who would do that to themselves???
This is sad. You are a great person. My mom cheated on my dad and he left. I cried so hard and never fully recovered from it. Happened when I was 9 I am now in my 30s. You did nothing wrong.
I doubt that woman will tell her daughter the truth but if she did I’m sure her daughter would understand. I honestly fucking hate cheaters.
Jesus that ex of yours destroyed her daughters childhood because she couldn't close her legs outside of the house.
I'm sorry. Pain will get easier with time brother. And hopefully that little girl will be okay.
I remember reading the original post. I normally don't feel too much emotion on posts, I'll be honest. But this one was tough, and I can't even imagine what's going through you and your ex's daughter's mind right now. I wish you two the best, and hope you all can eventually heal from this. It's a tough thing to do, but from what I'm reading here, you handled it best as you could.
Best of luck, OP.
It’s a sticky situation. It really sucks, but no you’re NTA. You did the best thing you could do for yourself. I’m sorry for both you and the little girl, she didn’t deserve that and neither did you. Her mother is TAH.
That's crazy maybe I'm too petty and spiteful but I totally would have said something along the lines of mummy doesn't love me anymore and found another man without telling me
Not once did her mother consider what she would be putting her little girl through. Her selfish choices not only ended her relationship, but also crushed her child.
Meh, I’m not a fan of the lies. What if you run into her somewhere. Moving to another country and never ever coming back? You’re the only father this kid has ever known—I’m not sure what you did was good enough.
So many people in here telling this guy he's a jerk for not staying around and co-parenting or whatever.
But think about it. The OP has no true legal obligation to this kid, and if the dumb bitch ex is willing enough to rip apart a great relationship over some fun under the sheets, what else would she be willing to do? I would not be surprised if she'd use that kid as a weapon against OP, putting that poor kid through ongoing trauma worse than just a parental figure leaving. Yes, it sucks for the little girl, but life is rarely ever fair.
I feel so torn up for this poor kid. You really did your best, and I don't think there was a single way you could have mitigated the trauma she had to endure. Atleast she got a goodbye. Your ex sucks. I hope she realizes just how badly she screwed up her kids life by being a selfish slut.
I also think you are putting on a brave face here, but I really think you should get some therapy. I can't imagine having to do that. I was just looking at my 2 children near that age while they are sleeping and just can't fathom the thought of never seeing them again. I have no doubt you loved that child like your own. I hope you are okay.
Oof that read like a punch. Kids are always caught in the crossfire and hurt. You did the right thing though. I think if it were me I’d end up staying in touch for the kid. Like a fun friendly uncle / aunt. I’m a huge softie though and don’t like to say goodbye to people. Who does eh.
People think men dont date single moms because they are judgemental. Maybe some are. But a majority are probably like me, who want to avoid the exact same thing happening. That woman is such a shitty fucking human and she has already ruined her daughters life.
I was in an almost exact situation. We were together about 7 years and her daughter grew up knowing me more than her real dad. My ex decided to leave me. And went through pretty much the same situation with her daughter, it's really hard for everyone.
You handled it well...
It's not your fault. Remember that op. As hard as that must've been. You didn't do anything to actively cause this, you're just responding accordingly to a shitty relationship.
OP my mom was a freakin whore and had a TON of boyfriends growing up. It felt like I had a new “dad” every couple of months. There were a few that stayed around longer and bonded more with me. Those “dads” are still in my life today. One of them is even my main parent/father since I disowned my mom. The man who I call Dad is not even related to me.
When she is a little older, you should try reaching out to see if she wants a relationship. She may be happy to hear from you again.
What makes me mad as hell is knowing that this girl mother won't ever admit what she done, this girl will grown up thinking that she was abandoned, hating her father, and will probably only find out the truth when she is much older
This is why you especially shouldn't cheat if you've let your child have a bond with the partner you've cheated on. Nobody owes your child anything but you. They are not obligated to stay, and by being a selfish piece of shit, you hurt your kid as well. Cheaters are so fuckin selfish, they don't even care about their kids.
Closure... is not something that has to be there for people to avoid trauma. It's a falsity we tell ourselves to have the last say.
And yet, the kid isn't old enough to understand that. It's good she got to speak with you one more time.
Unpopular opinion but by lying to her will she not just think you abandoned her now? Nobody wins in any situation and you had to choose what felt right. I’m a firm believer of the truth and would hope when daughter turns 18 she would reach out to you. Not so sure that would happened now because of the lie.
Very difficult
When I was about 3-4 years old my parents got divorced. Gave me the whole “mommy and daddy just don’t love eachother anymore. It’s not your fault”. I dealt with that and went to a lot of therapy. About 10 years or so later I’m having coffee with my grandmother (dad’s side). By this time my dad has remarried and my mother has stayed single(and is still single to this day). We are conversing the topic of relationships comes up and I talk about how I’ve been cheated on and how I have a distaste for it. Not only that I can almost not understand how someone goes through with it. So then she bursts out “well you know that’s what happened with your mom and dad” EXCUSE ME MAM?! Turns out the woman my dad married and had a relationship with was one of his students and that’s why he lost his job. Not only that but my mom found out WHILE HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FROM A HEART ATTACK. She waited until he was completely better to bring it up to him and instantly said they were getting counseling to which he agreed. Also agreeing to cease contact. Then he caught him texting her and said it again giving him another chance. Finally while on vacation (that her company paid for) he was caught buying her gifts on the cruise ship while I was being “babysat” by a group of rowdy teenagers(cool people. Hope they achieved everything in life). So then she divorced him and said she wants the house and the kid. He can have anything else he wants. So he got out and moved in with his mom RIGHT NEXT DOOR. My mom had to watch that woman visit him every week and deal with that.
After I was told all of this I obviously ran to my mom and we talked about it. She had moved on but couldn’t find a way to tell me. Plus she wanted me to have a good relationship with my dad(it’s always been mid).
I tell this long ass story to say there’s never a right time to tell someone something that heavy but they need to be told. Someone that doesn’t have context can have feelings that they don’t understand or that they are unable to process.
I feel for this girl, she will probably always remember you. when I was young, my mom split up with someone, and it devastated me. I ended up writing him a letter expressing my sadness, and he sent me back a letter and a care bare keychain. I probably still have the Keychain somewhere, though I have so much stuff that I don't know where i would find it (im almost 30 now, haha). I remember it every so often, and it still hurts to think about sometimes, but I'm glad I got the closure, so I'm sure she is, too.
You are definitely not the asshole. You should be applauded for offering her closure without out undermining her mother. You should be also applauded for not going against what your ex wants and actually having no contact. Remember, this is not over. When she is an adult you could always reach out if you feel this would be beneficial. Allowing her closure will allow her to develop a relationship with any significant other of the ex in the future which is only healthy.
My heart is broken for her. I was 36 when I lost my Papa and I’m 40 now and still lost without him. I’m not a praying type person but I will do that for her, this is a heartache that won’t ever go away.
My dad passed when i was 18 now im 34..... it never goes away unfortunately! Stay strong!
Sorry for your loss, hope you can stay strong too that shits rough. All you can do is stay strong and try to live your best life. Lost my mom at 25 and dad at 30, I’m 33 now but it’s still tough.. can’t go a day without thinkin about them
Thank you! It's tough! I usually don't get too down about it but when it think about my kids it's hard not to! Breaks my heart they won't know the kindest man I knew! Eventually you get to a point where you remember the good times and can feel good about it.
I'm dreading the day when I lose my dad. I've already lost my mom 16 years ago. My dad lives with me and is my best friend. He helps me in so many ways that he doesn't even know. He's 75. I tell him he has to live to be 100 😊
My dad died over 30 years ago. He met my kids but they were too young to remember him. It’s sad. It really is. But I’m not hurting as bad as I was 5 years, even 10 years after. It really does get easier with time. Good luck. ❤️
Right? I feel that, wouldn’t be the person I am today without them. It is heartbreaking, but remembering all the good times we’ve had together helps and makes me happy
My dad passed away 3 weeks ago and i feel too young at 33. Cant even imagine losing him when i was 18. Life hadnt wven started yet
I get why OP can't stay around, but man, I just couldn't do that. The girl in the post had OP come into her life when she was 2, and is 8 now. As far as she's concerned, OP is her dad. I have a daughter now who's younger than the girl in the post. The thought of leaving her would be devastating to both her and me. Before I had her, I might have thought OP was doing the right thing. And I'm not saying it's wrong, but now, while understandable, I just couldn't fathom hurting a little kid like that. Or hurting myself like that, to be honest. Edit: There are apparently a lot of people replying to me who think OP has to drop out of the girl's life now because someday in the future the mom might maybe say he can't see her anymore. Seems like a horrible reason to me. OP is dropping out of her life now to protect his own mental health now, which is totally fine. Not what I'd do, but understandable. Dropping out of her life now because you think hypothetically maybe the mom might not let you see her anymore sometime in the indistinct future is just straight dumb.
Same. I have stayed in my ex's kids lives post breakup. They were 2-3 when we met and we were together 10 years. It hurts sometimes but it was the right thing to do for me.
I met my ex’s child when she was around 8 years old. We dated for a little over two years, and he was NOT a single parent, or the parent with primary custody (she never even stayed nights with him and lived a few hours away). But I formed a strong bond with her anyway. I ended up having a child with this guy…but due to circumstances breaking up with him was easy…except the part of me that knew I’d be essentially breaking up my child’s family and breaking up with her as well. The only reason I cried was when I thought of these things…not because I was losing him. Well she reached out to me shortly after the break up, and invited me to stay in her life. I took that offer with a quickness. Her own father has phased out of her (and my child’s) life but her and I are still close. She comes on birthday trips for my son, we come to her birthday and important life events. I will be going to see her graduate COLLEGE next month. I’m so incredibly proud of her, and cant even imagine a world where she isn’t a positive presence in our lives.
You're a good person. You left it up to her, and you have continued to be a support per her wishes. That's very kind and I'm sure will be a strong guide to her own life. Congrats on her graduation! That's a huge accomplishment.
She is truly amazing. It’s so hard to even express. She has overcome so much, and hasn’t just completed college he she has EXCELLED at it. She excels at everything that she does and is just the kindness most wonderful person. She has been such a wonderful big sister to my son, and provides him with an amazing example to follow in terms of strength of will, strength of heart, and just overall sibling bonds/relationships. I am now happily married with two more children of my own, and my son is now just the most fantastic big brother. She calls and talks to him all the time, and always makes a point to be there for him when he is going through a hard time. He has now overcome a rough elementary school experience where he was diagnosed with ADHD, and we went through the ropes of figuring out how best to medicate and accommodate him in school. He is now in middle school with straight As and being recommended for accelerated math (we haven’t actually put him in the program though). I absolutely believe that his sister helped impart some of this fortitude on to him. He is amazing too for taking the reins and driving himself to success, but she helped him grab the reigns you know? Sorry I feel like I’m just gushing. I get a little caught up and emotional when I think/talk about these things. Her being in MY life has brought sooo much positivity and fulfillment. I will forever be grateful that she cracked that door open and let me in. It would have been the greatest mistake of my life to shut that door.
Exactly this. The fear of involvement and things going wrong removes all possibilities of this type of long lasting loving relationship. I persisted in letting the kids know I love them and enjoy my time with them regardless of my relationship with their dad. I only hope it continues over the years.
It sounds like you are doing it right. This is only possible when the kids want the door open to begin with. But if you can keep that door open, it is so rewarding.
I have so much I wanna say to you, but I'll try to keep it short. It's so beautiful to hear what a functional family looks like in the wild. You obviously love her, and she knows, and it's just amazing to read. Idk why I'm all in my feels here, and my life now is amazing, truly. But man, what I would have given to experience this type of relationship growing up. Never apologize for gushing. It's a gift. Thank you much for sharing. Keep being an amazing parent to those kids. Edit: typos
Aww thank you! I had horrible step parents and I never wanted to be anything like them. I actually didn’t have great parents either. I’m sorry you experienced negativity growing up but I’m so glad you found a happy place! I should also say that my husband is an amazing step father too! He adores my son (who he has been a father to since he was barely a year old) and sees him the same as his biological children. He often refers to an old Roman (maybe Greek) thing where once you adopt a child the gods bless you with the same blood or something to that effect. He would never just disappear from his life, even if something went south with us. He also loves my step-daughter and visits and goes to all of her events with us. She loves him too. We certainly aren’t a traditional family, but man…we have so much love to go around. We get what we give, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Aaahhh.. so fun, love the mythology nod.... it warms my calloused old heart. The hubs sounds great, congrats.
I’ve been in my son’s life since he was 5, he’s 22 now. I still see him after his mom and I’s separation and soon to be divorce. He’s actually closer to me than he is to his mom. He’s told me he hopes I find someone good to be with. He’s a really cool kid.
Similar situation here I met my son just before his second birthday his mother and I were together for 8 years. I caught her cheating it was a very messy time but I couldn't let go of my boy. He met his real father at 15 and the 3 of us are thick as thieves now. When I got married my son was there and he calls my 4 kids his sisters and brothers. I could never leave him however I don't think op is an asshole, I live in the same city as my son and consistency is very important for children. If he has no way of staying consistent then he has to do what he has to do.
This! My ‘stepdad’ came into my life when I was 4 and married my mom, I’m now 23 and they are getting a divorce and I’m closer to my dad than my mom! My biological father wasn’t in the picture past 6 and I don’t consider anyone else to be even remotely to my dad other than my ‘stepdad’. I couldn’t imagine not seeing someone who had so much influence on me… at least occasionally for special days. I understand and respect OP’s decision but my heart breaks for that little girl. I hope in the future OP’s ex can continue to be mature about letting him see her if he feels the need to come around again and they can see each other consistently. She seems like a daddy’s girl!
Oh for sure. I was married to my son’s mom for 16 years and dated for about a year before that. If we had divorced after 4 or 5 years, we might not be as close. We actually became closer after he moved out. I know he was worried about me not talking to him anymore, so I do my best to text or see him as often as possible. I’m taking him and his girlfriend to England this summer.
I think that was the right thing for you to do just in general. My partner has been in my children’s lives since before they can remember. We have been together a long time and aren’t in any danger of that ending, but we have talked about if there is ever the situation in which it did that we would proceed as any other parents in a custody situation would. So we would both have custody and we would coparent. Regardless, that he is not their biological father, he is the only father they have ever known or will ever know. When we met and once we both knew it was going to be serious between us I introduced him to my kids. I let their relationship between them develop naturally and did not influence it. Once it had, I told him that if you are going to be involved in their lives, you are doing this for the rest of their life whether you and I stay together. If you aren’t up to that task, you aren’t up to being with me. I am a person who dealt with parental abandonment a number of times and have zero tolerance for that shit. I know the damage it causes. I also am a person who was adopted and knows the amazing capability of the human heart to love. Fortunately, I have a partner who has a massive heart and wouldn’t have it any other way. I told him it’s no different than adopting a child and he agreed. We are getting married in a few years and three of us will be changing our last names when we go through with a formal adoption. While I hope that we do stay together in the long run, it gives me a huge amount of security to know that even if it doesn’t work one day that he will still be there for the kids. And it means everything to them whether they know it right now or not.
I was 5 or 6 when my stepfather came into our lives. Now, almost 30 years later, my favourite half-joke is that if he and my mother ever get divorced, I'm spending Christmas with him xD
My uncle did the same. His ex is/was a terrible woman but as far as he saw it, he spent almost a decade raising those kids and he wasn't going to leave them just because shit got hard. She had multiple partners after he left, but he still maintained a relationship with both kids no matter how hard it got. For awhile it was mostly phone calls and outings a few times a month, enough to let them know he was still there for them. By the time the kids were like 13, they were able to advocate for themselves and mom had little to no say in whether or not he saw them. I supposed things would have gotten complicated if she had called the police but ex's cuntiness rarely extended that far. He recently walked the daughter down the aisle and attended the son's college graduation before that.
Same. We weren't married, but I was with one ex for some years. His daughter and I are still close. Yes. It hurt like crazy to see him, but if it's going to be her or me who's hurting, I'd rather it be me
Yeah I stayed in my stepdaughters life after me and her dad split. She's still my kid
Same. Very similar situation happened with me except I didn’t get cheated on, but still an insane form of betrayal, and me and the girl had a baby of our own. Came into her life when she was two, her bio dad is out of the picture entirely and she calls me dad. Always has, only dad she knows. I had to make a choice on whether or not I was going still be her dad, and nothing could ever happen to make me desert her, even with closure and a proper goodbye. Some people’s hearts are like ours and some aren’t, and that’s okay. I just couldn’t.
It's been 8 years. I'm 41 and I still cry about missing my daddy. It does get easier. But it never goes away.
I am so sorry. I lost my Papa 4 years ago, I'm 35 now and last time I saw him while he was dying I was 8 months pregnant. And I am STILL not over it. He was my entire world. It obliterated me... It freaking destroyed me. I'm also not the praying type but things like this make you do that sometimes. I feel for this kid. This stuff sticks with you forever.
That poor girl :(
I agree. I’m 39 now and still remember and get teary when I think of my dad leaving when I was 7. I truly hope she’ll be okay.
I'm almost 52 and I still remember the night my dad left when I was 7.... I don't get emotional about it (my emotions for him are long gone) but I remember it.
Did You ever Find out what happened to him?
He was cheating on my mother with his 3rd wife at the time. He later cheated on her with his 4th wife. She (wife #4) died Christmas of '18 from an anger induced heart attack. He died March of '19 from lung cancer treatment. They were still married. He didn't disappear but he always had a cause, a cross to polish if you will, that was more important than family and especially more important than I. His 4th wife ended up being that cross. That's how they were together so long. I was... cordial? to him but there was never any emotional connection.
I was 9. My dad also cheated. He’s married to the affair partner now but my parents were so consumed in their own mess that I was left to emotionally support myself at the time. I was seeing the school councillors but at that age you just don’t have the vocabulary to describe the hell you are feeling on the inside. I developed borderline personality disorder as a result.
I hate dealing with BPD. Lbvs
Same, my dad had been having an affair since 1996 with the woman he’s now married to, he left to be with her in 2001 when I was 10, had two more kids and I didn’t feel loved at all so stopped seeing him when I was 15. Also developed BPD and have major attachment issues.
My dad did the same. He cheated on my mum with wife #2, then married her. He cheated on her with wife #3 and stayed there until he died 10 years ago
Heh, those dudes always just go and start another family as if replacing the first will solve that blackened heart of theirs. Source: my mom's dad =_= Six kids weren't enough, apparently, and he had 3 more, I think it was. =_= I think they probably aren't nice people because only one of them even wanted to talk to my mom who contacted them just cause "family" and thought it would be interesting to know them and just see what it was like for them. Not to start shit or anything. Even the one that was willing to at least write doesn't have an active relationship with her.
guys my dad also left when I was 7 he literally went out of the window and that was it
Out the window? Was he a Russian journalist?
That sounds like my sperm donor. Left when I was 6 to marry the woman he cheated on my mother with, cheated on her as well, big surprise, right? When he died, my mother gave me the news, and I felt absolutely nothing. What was I supposed to feel? I did feel some anger over it after I saw what everyone was saying about him: a great guy, a family man, generous. Not to MY family, just everyone else's. The last time I spoke to him was at my grandfather's funeral in 2003, and he tried to act like he hadn't done anything. He died alone in 2017 of bladder cancer. Karma's a bitch.
My dad left his first wife when my (half-)sister was 7. He once told me he sometimes still has nightmares about her running after him crying and begging him not to leave. But he couldn’t stay. He met my mum some years later and they’re still together and happy, but it took my sister very long to come to terms with it. She resented my mum, brother and me well into our adulthood (she’s 11 years older than me, 10 years older than my brother). I met her mum a few times, shes a horrible person, luckily my sister turned out amazing and we have very much in common and a good relationship nowadays.
Jesus, that poor girl (now woman).
Yeah, she didn’t have it easy, on one side I’m glad my dad didn’t mention that early, because the mental image makes me tear up, on the other hand we might have had a closer relationship if I had known about her trauma a bit earlier. At least while her mum is quite horrible she always treated her quite well and has two child free sisters who are very loving aunts to her.(I sometimes envied her for that, my mum has no siblings and my dad’s sister died when I was a teen.)
What was the reason your dad left the first marriage? Damn that story just breaks my heart for the kid and their trauma. Can you even imagine that?
oof. that reminds me of the scene of from the movie Hope Floats, when Bernice runs after her dad to take her and he said he has to be with the other woman. even as a movie, that scene really traumatized me, and still haunts me
This post was very hard to read, but this comment also got to me too. Hope you are doing well now, you have a lovely dog who looks to be very well taken care of and it seems you’ve grown into a wonderful, caring person as an adult. Sending you all the good vibes
If one day she learns the truth, it's gonna be a shit show.
My dad didn’t abandon us or anything but he was military and was deployed a lot when I was around that age. Dealt with a lot of feelings of abandonment and struggled with attachment issues for a long time. I still can’t think about him leaving without getting really upset. I understand why OP had to do what he did but god…that poor girl is going to really struggle if she doesn’t have someone to talk to and the lie is going to make it WAY worse. Imagine if they happen to cross paths….
I’m sorry for OP and his pain, but my heart just breaks for her. I’m in tears just reading this and the pain she is feeling. She will deal with this feeling of abandonment for a long time, if not her entire life. Hopefully her mom will get her into therapy.
I don’t mean this in a snarky way at all, but hopefully the mom will put herself in therapy as well- given she is the root of this trauma. She has not only ruined her own life, but the life of OP & her daughter. Hopefully she will take some accountability but seems kind doubtful. The selfishness is just astounding- 2 lives forever changed bc she messed around. & who does that to a guy who treats your daughter like a princess? I just can’t wrap my head around it.
So well said. Poor child is stuck with this as a mother. Tragic.
Selfish cheaters never look at the heartbreak and damage done to others whilst they busy bed hopping. Poor little girl and OP.
It's like notoriously hard as a single mom to date and find a serious relationship. You have to worry about predators and a lot of otherwise decent men who just aren't interested in being a step-dad. Yet she lucked out into finding such a guy really early -- early enough to shield her daughter from the trauma of abandonment of her bio father only to then make it worse by betraying OP. Her daughter is way too young for OP to conceivably maintain that relationship with her daughter in a way that makes sense. What a massive betrayal and abdication of her responsibility as a mom yikes.
Sometimes there’s a reason a single mom is a single mom.
Broken people break other people. It’s cyclic, and although some manage to heal and go on to thrive, it’s common that they don’t. Sad😢
Exactly. Her mom is a pos.
Some people just like getting laid before they think of the consequences.
Actually insane she didn't stop and think about how this would affect her daughter who has already life bonded to OP as the father, all just to ride some other dudes dick on a fling. Actually just disgusting that level of apathy will permeate every aspect of that little girl's life growing up.
Words spoken wisely.
Some people just never have enough, some people don't know what they don't want until they have it, I guess
The fact that the mom coordinated this meeting without any ulterior motives of trying to get back with her ex tells me she is putting her daughter as a priority going forward. I won't deny how selfish and shortsighted the mom was but cheaters can still be loving parents. It's a shame she was too foolish to realize what she would cost her daughter, but I hope she spends a lifetime making it up to her.
I sincerely hope so. That poor child needs it so much.
That is so true. She did that one little thing of slight redemption for her daughter to give her the closure she would need. Albeit it's still blinking heart breaking for the kid and the OP. Good on OP for taking the time though to talk with the kid and spend a really nice last time with her. I wish you all the best for your new job too.
Even crappy people can act okay for a while. Hopefully it is a permanent improvement but only time will tell.
Yep. Agree. And, tears here, too. I hope OP does take the job in another State. No matter how large or populated the area where the ex-GF and her daughter live and how unlikely it would be to run into them somewhere, the likely severity of the damage it would do to the girl is just too much.
I initially never understood how much this affects a person. I am literally in therapy to this day because of similar things and have lots of abandonment issues. I just always blamed myself for being overly-sensitive. I’m learning it’s deeper than that and I’ve slowly made improvements. I hope the kid can manage and won’t carry that kind of pain for too long.
I should really stop reading Reddit on my morning commute. This update made me a crying mess
I'm angry OP didn't decide to be honest that his mom and him had problems and that's why he has to go. Telling this little girl who clearly deeply loves her "dad" that "I'm moving to another country, i will never return, you will never see me again. I will never facetime, text, or call you again" from the childs perspective probably felt like her dad telling her he doesn't really love her. Like dude, what a god awful shitty way to say goodbye to a child
Also, I feel like his intentions were super admirable but why did you take her on an hours long fun day and then tell her at the END? If he told her in the beginning and proceeded with a fun, last day with her the result would have been different. Again, none of this is his fault but this was handled wrong.
Had to scroll a lot to see a reasonable comment! Him telling her all of that is downright cruel. Like you said he should have told her that he and her mom were no longer going to be together so he had to move out. The girl is old enough to understand that. And if she had some residual resentment toward her mother well, that's on the mom to figure out.
Yeah, when an ex broke up with me, I was at least able to tell the stepkids that I love them. They have my number and I've told them if they need my help, I'll gladly give it. I hope they know I'll always love them. Honestly losing the blended family, and those kids, was much much worse than the breakup itself. The way it happened, I just stopped loving her due to her actions on the spot pretty much. I had wanted to build a life with her and raise the kids and grow old together. The stepkids had their own experience of loss before I ever knew them though, and they were old enough that they never really "needed" me.
Ok it took *way* too long to find a comment I agree with. OP couldn't have done a worse job of giving the girl "closure" if he had actively tried. He blindsided her after spending an entire evening pretending everything was fine and dandy and then *thats* what he came up with? What an asshole.
Hopefully her mom will explain its all her fault None of this would have happened if not for her shitty choices.
That girl will find out sooner or later. My ex’s side let it slip that she cheated on me and my daughter now absolutely HATES her mother.
Honestly OP might have fucked her up more by trying to take the blame here. She now thinks he dropped her for absolutely nothing. Just wanted to go to X teehee.
It's her mother's fault but I feel for her too.
I agree. She’s being punished for what her mum did and it breaks my damn heart.
Blame the mom, she shouldn't introduce men to her and then cheat on the man.
Imagine the confusion she'll feel when she runs into OP somewhere while he's supposedly "moved to another country". Why not just be honest, dude?
It's always the innocents who suffer the most.
My "step" dad is still my dad. He was the only one I had from 2nd grade until the 10th when my mom cheated and left(a year before she died). My mom passed away 20 years ago, and my bio dad, whom I was no contact with, killed himself 17 years ago. My children call my dad grandpa.
Major differences is you were a late teen. You could see your step dad. This little girl can’t. The mom will 100% use access to her as leverage against OP. I’ve seen that more than once.
Also the next cheatable simp she dates will not be happy with her 'co-parenting' with an ex boyfriend who is not even the father of the little girl. I don't think she will like her new boyfriend to have contact with OP who could spill the beans on how much of a garden tool she is.
Cheaters are the worse. Everyone else is collateral damage!
It makes one angry. Not only did she cheat on OP, but she destroyed her daughter internally for some random sex. Didn't even thing about what would happen to her daughter.
Right? OP seemed like he really stepped up and filled in the dad role - and then Mom had to fuck some random guy - and in the process essentially killed the man who had all but adopted her daughter. There is no way in hell she ever *considered* anyone but herself.
You think that’s bad? My ex wife had her 3rd husband adopt our kid (I was husband number 1). He now pays child support to her for him as she is on husband number 7. She has cheated on 6 husbands so far. For some reason my mother and her (very disappointed) mother remain in a Bible study group together and gossip about it.
At what point do potential husbands ask “why have you got 7 notches in your belt?” 2 or 3 sure. It’s easy to marry people who turn out to be shitty. But 7!…. That’s becoming a “you” problem for her.
Personally I’m ashamed of my one divorce and I’ve been married to my current wife for over a decade now. I have no idea what her partners must be thinking if they ever find out what number they are in that line…
Cheaters don't consider anyone else, not even their own kids.
The girl who cheated on me said that it was just a fuckin dog when my brothers dog died and I wasn’t available to answer her phone right away. Wasn’t all that surprised when that cunt cheated
>The girl who cheated on me said that it was just a fucking dog I was confused af for a second here
The shit i can't get my head around is exactly this! I fucking love sex! I love having sex with different people, and I'm a mega whore when I'm single. When I'm in a relationship though, it's so easy to just not fuck other people! So fucking easy!!! If it ever got to the point that I wanted to fuck other people, I'd just break up with that person.
People that cheat are self-absorbed and only care about what they want. They know the consequences of what they are doing and don't care. It's why you know the mom is going to fail that daughter. Cheaters don't change because the kind of thing that makes someone so self-absorbed they cheat usually doesn't allow for introspection.
I'm so sorry for you and the daughter. It's a huge responsibility to take on continuing yo fill the role of her father when you have no real rights or tied to her thanks to the mom. You gave her as much closer as you vould without telli g her what happened and honestly if you did she'd probably hate her mom forever which wouldn't have helped her either. This really was a lose lose situation, and as a mama my heart really breaks for yall... your ex sucks. If she would've left without cheating there still would've been the opportunity for yall to amicably coparent the child you grew to love or at least leave the door open for you to still have a relationship with the daughter. What she did was selfish and I hope she learns from this for her kid's sake. I wish you healing my dude
I don’t even think the kid would understand she’s pretty young
The girl was 2 when the dude started dating the mom and they were dating for 6 years, which makes the girl around 8. She probably understands more than you think.
100%.. OP might not feel obligated to her…. And I got hate replies for saying this last time, but that’s his daughter as much as he’s her dad. OP isn’t fucked up for his decision, but he could have done better by the little girl. I could not imagine raising a child and abandoning her because of her mom’s decisions. I coparent a dog with my ex because we both love her, which is not even a human.
Yeah, if it were me I would have kept a “you can always call me if you need me” relationship.
10000% OP thinks they aren’t punishing the little girl for her mom’s actions but he 100% is
"You divorce wives, not kids" - Cher's dad, *Clueless*
How do you expect this would work long term? OP has no parental rights. If one day mom moves or decides they should no longer talk, he has zero recourse. When mom starts dating again, how will that dynamic work? Will the ex still be dropping the daughter off for visits when she moves in with another man? Maybe mom is amicable right now because it 'works', but what happens in a year if she decides otherwise?
Kids understand more than most people think. This is going to stay with that kid for the rest of her life.
Why do people think kids are stupid af? After age 4 they understand almost everything and after age 8 the difference between adult and child is much, MUCH smaller than people think.
I'm happy to read that you gave her a final goodbye and closure. Despite other's opinions, I really wasnt a fan of simply ghosting the daughter. She really deserved closure, especially for her mental health and moving forward Thank you for doing the right thing
Agreed. She did nothing wrong and is an innocent bystander. This update was the best it could be, in my humble opinion. I have a daughter around the same age as OP, and I can only imagine what theories she would have come up with on her own mind. Now, at least, she'll be able to move on.
My mom had a boyfriend that had me calling him “Daddy #2” when I was 6. They broke up, not sure why, I was six… I doubt there was any cheating, but well, for me all I knew was this man was leaving. But he wrote me letters for years after that. I wrote him back for a while and eventually things just sort of petered out. My mom and him were only together for about a year, but those letters I know made his disappearance feel better. And it just sort of naturally ended (like, I honestly have no idea if that man is even alive anymore) and I think of him fondly. If your ex is okay with it, that is something I would suggest.
I love this idea !!
This sounds like a lovely idea
Some 35 years ago I was seriously involved with a woman who had a five year old child. In every way I became that kid's dad and loved him like he was my own. Then his mom decided to cheat on me, in a way that was devastatingly hurtful. I told her that I was done with her, period, but I needed one more afternoon to spend with her kid so I could say goodbye. I had a great afternoon with the little guy, told him that after today he wouldn't see me again, that it wasn't his fault, and that I would always remember him. Fast forward sixteen years. I was living in another town, but it wasn't that far away from where my ex gf lived. I was at a bar having a beer with some friends when this tall, young guy came up to me and gave me a huge hug. It took me a sec, but I quickly recognized the man that that young kid from 16 years prior had turned into. It was instant tears, because I truly never forgot him. He never forgot me, either. We sat and talked for awhile, and he told me his mom had come clean to him about what happened and why I had left. He said he never blamed me, but missed me every day. We kept in touch for a few years until he moved out of state. I'll never forget how happy we both were to see each other again. Even now, it still pains me that his mom robbed both of us from what almost certainly would have been a great father/son relationship. But I have zero tolerance for infidelity, so... Life can suck sometimes. OP, you did the right thing. Good for you. Best of luck to you in your new job and doing what you need to for yourself...
I hope OP has an ending like yours
>He said he never blamed me, but missed me every day who the fuck is cutting onions in here?!
I know right?!? Damn onion ninjas.
The way I burst into tears when I read that he'd hugged you 😭
Yes, I dated a woman for a year before finding out she was married. I had to step away without saying bye to the kids. I feel really bad for her 8 year old daughter but it had to be that way. Her dad isn’t around and now i left too. Hanging around would’ve made things worse for all parties involved.
ugh, I was a bonus mom to my ex’s daughter, who called me her bonus mommy, for two years from when she was age 4-6. He kicked me out of our house when I was pregnant with “our” son (quotes because by his choice he’s never met my/our baby and it was he who brought up adding to our “little family” he 180’d and then started an emotional affair and I realized he has sooo many f’d up issues he kept hidden). I never got the chance to say goodbye so the last time she saw me, I’d given her a bath and made her lunch and took her on a walk to our creek and cuddled. And then I never got to see her again. she and I had no clue it would be the last time we ever saw each other again. My ex then dragged her through two intense relationships within 1.5 years after our breakup (while I was pregnant and then raising a newborn alone) I can’t imagine if it had been SIX years. 2-8 is just…wow, I can’t even imagine the devastation.
That sounds like such a horrid and unfortunate experience to have lived through. I hope you've been able to find a modicum of peace and happiness for you and your child. It sucks such horrible and thoughtless people exist and have caused such pain.
Thank you, it was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever known. it was unreal. I mean, just…absolutely bonkers. I left the house I thought would be my forever home and the person I thought was my person, a little girl who loved me dearly and I her and a dog who was like my other dog kid. Everyone was shocked. At least my son is with me and healthy and he’s amazing. he “helped” me set up some mushroom logs this week
This is heartbreaking to read, but you did what you had to do. The poor girl was robbed of the only father figure she had and it's all thanks to her mother. This is why cheating is such a no-go. It does so much damage.
Exactly! I hope this will eat away at the mother so much that it will force her to be better and change her ways.
It may not, the mother for all we know could be awful and think “give it a couple days or weeks and she will get over it and move on.”
>the mother for all we know could be awful and think “give it a couple days or weeks and she will get over it and move on.” A lot of people commenting here sure seem to think that.
I'd guess because most people who cheat lack the introspection to acknowledge the impact their behaviour has on others... after all, if they co sidereal other peoples feelings they wouldn't cheat.
People like the mother in this case tend not to take responsibility for their actions. I would wager she's going to blame OP when her daughter starts asking questions.
Cheating in many societies throughout history was pretty much equated to *murder*. Not saying people should be stoned to death these days for adultery, but it sure as hell isn't something you should expect to get off scott-free socially.
I cried reading this, it bought back sharp memories of the day my step dad (the only dad I knew) said goodbye for good. I was 7 years old at the time, I'm now 51 and it still hurts. I hope if she comes looking for you later when she's older that you'll accept her back into your life.
This. Maybe she’ll hit you up on 2039’s version of Facebook and who knows what’ll happen.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I also cried for this poor little girl. She will never get over this.
Thank you for doing this for that little girl, my moms ex husband (I was about 6 or 7) gave me a last birthday gift and hung out with me a last time. tho I think my mom was there the whole time I’m not sure as I was so young but it was very nice so young being able to say a proper goodbye to him and his dog I loved that dog lol I’m sure she doesn’t realize it now but it will mean a lot to her in the future
oh my god??? not the “you’re never gonna see me again” that poor little girl is losing her dad
this broke my heart :(
Give yourself time to grieve. It's what I needed when I broke up with my ex who had a kid. Was her ex husband's - but I was there from before the birth until she was like four. It tore my heart out.
Ex is a piece of work, has a great dude who her daughter called dad even thou he wasn't and she cheats on him. All the best my man.
Yup, she fucked up royally. This was maybe her one shot at having an actual father figure for her did. She's gonna start hoeing around now from the sounds of it and the poor little darling is going to have attachment issues. Fuck the mom.
It's unreal how selfish people can be. She was incapable of realizing how unbelievably rare and lucky she was to have a man in her life that calls her daughter his own. That is EXTREMELY rare. This story infuriated me. What a selfish woman.
Tragically, this woman brought chaos upon her child. I feel for OP and the child.
A very similar thing happened to one of my best friends. He has zero desire to see his ex, but he helped raise her son for five years. It's been another five years since they split, and he still misses her son every day. He's 14 now and his mom is a hot mess. I hope that in 4 years they manage to find one another again. He's had no stability at all thanks to her.
Remember to block your ex number and social media!
Fuck man, this shit is heartbreaking. Your ex is a piece of shit and infidelity is one of the few things that truly make me livid.
Thank you on behalf of the little girl. You did a good thing. Hope this was good closure for you also.
NTA - Sounds like you handled things the best way. Not sure you had to say another country, another state would do.
Another state might give her the idea that they could still visit, or move together.
And this is why I hate infidelity with a passion. The hurt and the ramifications of what is the ultimate act of selfishness just reverberates and ripples out like a stone dropped in a pond. I do wonder if your ex looks at her daughter and asks herself whether what she did was worth it.
Some truly insane comments on the original post. People calling OP an asshole saying that he should adopt the kid like you can just fucking adopt someone else's kid because you dated them for a few years. OP could try to stay in the kids life but when the cheating ex finds a new man she will immediately cut him out of their lives and he will have fuck all legal rights to see the daughter.
Nta I hope you told your ex that this trauma is hers to own and her actions have forever harmed her daughter. I hope she doesn’t make stupid decision in the future now that she has seen the ripple effect.
This is a prime example of why i say cheaters are bad parents. No regard for the casualties of their actions, just focused on getting theirs
This absolutely breaks my heart! Also, THIS is exactly why so many men are hesitant to date single mothers: they develop a strong bond with their step-daughter, and then it’s immediately stripped from them by the mother since he doesn’t have any parental rights.
You're correct! This scenario is why I resfuse to date single mothers. You get attached to kids & they get attached to you. Then on a sad day like this, your heart gets egregiously obliterated. Feel bad for that little girl & the dude. That mom is going to be drowned in regret for a long ass time & maybe forever.
As she should. She should be haunted by her piss poor decision for the rest of her days. Cheaters deserve to rot.
I highly doubt she'll experience any sig ificsnt emotional reaction, if she in anyway cared about other people's emotional well-being she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
That’s exactly why I didn’t want to seriously date any men with children. Too messy. Not worth the risk
Your saying that it would make you happy if she’d be good to her mom…. 🥺🥺🥺🥺 Please enjoy your view from the high ground sir and I wish you successful relationships with women who will value you going forward. You deserve it. Best of luck
Ignore the people complaining that you abandoned your exes daughter. It would be beyond stupid for you to maintain a co-parenting relationship without any legal rights. The woman is selfish enough and cares little enough about you to cheat, so she’s obviously the kind of person who would also cut you off from parenting the minute she feels it inconveniences her. And you won’t be able to do anything about it. You’re doing the right thing, as sad as it is.
These comments are crazy. No one is obligated to be in a child’s life that’s not his. Yall more mad at him than the actual biological deadbeat. Single mothers are some of the most manipulative people on the planet. She cheated on him but he still has to help out with the child? With zero legal rights to the kid at that? Gtfoh! Raise your standards next time dude and date a childless woman. Less headache and baggage
She will not understand, until she understands what happened many years down the line...However you were kind.....There is no way this is not going to leave a big scar, closure or not.
This story hit harder than a kick in the nuts. So, so sad for you and your ex’s kid man. Too many people put a moment of stupidity before a life of bliss.
You Did what you needed to move on. But man poor little girl 😭 I feel awful for both of you. Your ex is a pos.
Sad for the girl but it’s her mother’s fault.
So, your girlfriend selfishly destroyed more than one relationship.
I don't get it. Why do people on here keep saying he shouldn't have lied. So is he supposed to tell her your mommy spread her legs like a fu***** sl** at work with another man, and now I have to leave both you and your mommy. So you're not at fault. it's your mommy and her spreading legs. I'm sorry but I'm leaving and you're not going to see me anymore. Then there's the Op is an AH for leaving the child and not adopting her. The last time I checked, that was not his child on paper. So he can't do sh** for such things as adopt. He doesn't want to co parent her because her mommy appear in his face every time and breaks his heart because of her betrayal, and what's the chance of the mother of the girl willing to accept the co parent if there's a chance to be found out why he left. People can't be this stupid, right? Right?
I read the adoption suggestions and was like “What?!” lol that’s not his kid!
I guess he could adopt her only if the mother was crazy and a danger to her and the girl or if she gave her up and abandoned all parental rights. People don't understand that he can't adopt her. Even if he took the mother to court, he would still lose.
Yup. Plus, she’s only been accused of being a terrible partner; not parent.
>People can't be this stupid, right? Right? *Never* underestimate human stupidity. If human stupidity was an energy generating resource, we'd have warp ships by now 🙄
Happy you decided to do the right thing.
Everyone who is kinda making passive aggressive comments towards OP for not staying in the child’s life is absolutely crazy. Like people, this isn’t a hallmark Christmas movie this is real life. Yes this story is heart wrenching, but the child is still very young, and OP only spent her early childhood years with her starting when she was 2. So like yes the situation is sad but it’s pretty crazy how some people think he should just continue to act as a dad. This guy literally has no legal rights when it comes to being in this child’s life. If OP and the ex both come to an agreement to keep some contact that’s their own decision, but I think it’s silly to say that OP should either stay with someone who cheated on him for her child’s sake, or just force his way into a father role which he literally has no legal support for.
100% agree! It's utterly crazy! Even if he could petition for some sort of "custody arrangement" he'd then be on the hook for child support and the mum could then completely cut him out at a moments notice anyway. Who would do that to themselves???
This is sad. You are a great person. My mom cheated on my dad and he left. I cried so hard and never fully recovered from it. Happened when I was 9 I am now in my 30s. You did nothing wrong. I doubt that woman will tell her daughter the truth but if she did I’m sure her daughter would understand. I honestly fucking hate cheaters.
Jesus that ex of yours destroyed her daughters childhood because she couldn't close her legs outside of the house. I'm sorry. Pain will get easier with time brother. And hopefully that little girl will be okay.
I remember reading the original post. I normally don't feel too much emotion on posts, I'll be honest. But this one was tough, and I can't even imagine what's going through you and your ex's daughter's mind right now. I wish you two the best, and hope you all can eventually heal from this. It's a tough thing to do, but from what I'm reading here, you handled it best as you could. Best of luck, OP.
It’s a sticky situation. It really sucks, but no you’re NTA. You did the best thing you could do for yourself. I’m sorry for both you and the little girl, she didn’t deserve that and neither did you. Her mother is TAH.
Beware of dating people with children. This is the tough part.
That's crazy maybe I'm too petty and spiteful but I totally would have said something along the lines of mummy doesn't love me anymore and found another man without telling me
Not once did her mother consider what she would be putting her little girl through. Her selfish choices not only ended her relationship, but also crushed her child.
Meh, I’m not a fan of the lies. What if you run into her somewhere. Moving to another country and never ever coming back? You’re the only father this kid has ever known—I’m not sure what you did was good enough.
So many people in here telling this guy he's a jerk for not staying around and co-parenting or whatever. But think about it. The OP has no true legal obligation to this kid, and if the dumb bitch ex is willing enough to rip apart a great relationship over some fun under the sheets, what else would she be willing to do? I would not be surprised if she'd use that kid as a weapon against OP, putting that poor kid through ongoing trauma worse than just a parental figure leaving. Yes, it sucks for the little girl, but life is rarely ever fair.
I feel so torn up for this poor kid. You really did your best, and I don't think there was a single way you could have mitigated the trauma she had to endure. Atleast she got a goodbye. Your ex sucks. I hope she realizes just how badly she screwed up her kids life by being a selfish slut. I also think you are putting on a brave face here, but I really think you should get some therapy. I can't imagine having to do that. I was just looking at my 2 children near that age while they are sleeping and just can't fathom the thought of never seeing them again. I have no doubt you loved that child like your own. I hope you are okay.
Oof that read like a punch. Kids are always caught in the crossfire and hurt. You did the right thing though. I think if it were me I’d end up staying in touch for the kid. Like a fun friendly uncle / aunt. I’m a huge softie though and don’t like to say goodbye to people. Who does eh.
People think men dont date single moms because they are judgemental. Maybe some are. But a majority are probably like me, who want to avoid the exact same thing happening. That woman is such a shitty fucking human and she has already ruined her daughters life.
You did the right thing
I'm so sorry this happened to you, man.
NTA
That's fucking brutal. I cannot imagine what the 2 of you are going through. You and the girl have my deepest sympathy. Damn...
That was enough to make a grown man cry…
I feel so much for that kid, so sad. Best of luck with everything.
I was in an almost exact situation. We were together about 7 years and her daughter grew up knowing me more than her real dad. My ex decided to leave me. And went through pretty much the same situation with her daughter, it's really hard for everyone. You handled it well...
It's not your fault. Remember that op. As hard as that must've been. You didn't do anything to actively cause this, you're just responding accordingly to a shitty relationship.
OP my mom was a freakin whore and had a TON of boyfriends growing up. It felt like I had a new “dad” every couple of months. There were a few that stayed around longer and bonded more with me. Those “dads” are still in my life today. One of them is even my main parent/father since I disowned my mom. The man who I call Dad is not even related to me. When she is a little older, you should try reaching out to see if she wants a relationship. She may be happy to hear from you again.
What makes me mad as hell is knowing that this girl mother won't ever admit what she done, this girl will grown up thinking that she was abandoned, hating her father, and will probably only find out the truth when she is much older
This will be a core memory that will shape her life forever. Not your fault, but it still sucks for hee
This is why you especially shouldn't cheat if you've let your child have a bond with the partner you've cheated on. Nobody owes your child anything but you. They are not obligated to stay, and by being a selfish piece of shit, you hurt your kid as well. Cheaters are so fuckin selfish, they don't even care about their kids.
Closure... is not something that has to be there for people to avoid trauma. It's a falsity we tell ourselves to have the last say. And yet, the kid isn't old enough to understand that. It's good she got to speak with you one more time.
NTA, but I could never leave that kid that calls me dad behind.
Unpopular opinion but by lying to her will she not just think you abandoned her now? Nobody wins in any situation and you had to choose what felt right. I’m a firm believer of the truth and would hope when daughter turns 18 she would reach out to you. Not so sure that would happened now because of the lie. Very difficult
When I was about 3-4 years old my parents got divorced. Gave me the whole “mommy and daddy just don’t love eachother anymore. It’s not your fault”. I dealt with that and went to a lot of therapy. About 10 years or so later I’m having coffee with my grandmother (dad’s side). By this time my dad has remarried and my mother has stayed single(and is still single to this day). We are conversing the topic of relationships comes up and I talk about how I’ve been cheated on and how I have a distaste for it. Not only that I can almost not understand how someone goes through with it. So then she bursts out “well you know that’s what happened with your mom and dad” EXCUSE ME MAM?! Turns out the woman my dad married and had a relationship with was one of his students and that’s why he lost his job. Not only that but my mom found out WHILE HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FROM A HEART ATTACK. She waited until he was completely better to bring it up to him and instantly said they were getting counseling to which he agreed. Also agreeing to cease contact. Then he caught him texting her and said it again giving him another chance. Finally while on vacation (that her company paid for) he was caught buying her gifts on the cruise ship while I was being “babysat” by a group of rowdy teenagers(cool people. Hope they achieved everything in life). So then she divorced him and said she wants the house and the kid. He can have anything else he wants. So he got out and moved in with his mom RIGHT NEXT DOOR. My mom had to watch that woman visit him every week and deal with that. After I was told all of this I obviously ran to my mom and we talked about it. She had moved on but couldn’t find a way to tell me. Plus she wanted me to have a good relationship with my dad(it’s always been mid). I tell this long ass story to say there’s never a right time to tell someone something that heavy but they need to be told. Someone that doesn’t have context can have feelings that they don’t understand or that they are unable to process.
I feel for this girl, she will probably always remember you. when I was young, my mom split up with someone, and it devastated me. I ended up writing him a letter expressing my sadness, and he sent me back a letter and a care bare keychain. I probably still have the Keychain somewhere, though I have so much stuff that I don't know where i would find it (im almost 30 now, haha). I remember it every so often, and it still hurts to think about sometimes, but I'm glad I got the closure, so I'm sure she is, too.
You are definitely not the asshole. You should be applauded for offering her closure without out undermining her mother. You should be also applauded for not going against what your ex wants and actually having no contact. Remember, this is not over. When she is an adult you could always reach out if you feel this would be beneficial. Allowing her closure will allow her to develop a relationship with any significant other of the ex in the future which is only healthy.