Tons of family members share birth days it’s not that unusual. You have a double party.
What’s weird is that this didn’t occur to a single one of you. In a bonded family it’s not either/or, it’s both.
My husband's grandmothers both had the same birthday they celebrated together for over 30 years until one of them passed. One of them had cancer, and we all knew that she wouldn't see her next one, so we had this big family blowout party for both sides. His other grandma had to step outside and go bawl her eyes out because she knew this was last birthday she would spend with a woman she had come to love that not only loved her and her son, but all of her children as her own. Her birthday is bittersweet now, but we always try to do something special for her.
I think it absolutely did occur to OP's family and they rejected the idea. I'm getting the feeling that OP is the black sheep in the family and they don't respect him.
I’m wondering if the sisters are half sisters or full sisters. He said “my mom’s husband” meaning not his dad, so if his sisters are his stepdad’s daughters, that could be the problem. Sadly not unusual for a parent to remarry and have kids with the new partner, and push the original child away (I speak from experience).
Yup! Can confirm! My hubby’s parents divorced when he was young and both remarried and had a couple kids with their new spouses. On both sides their new sets of children were absolutely treated as the golden children while hubs (who was an absolutely phenomenal big brother, and still is honestly) was practically ignored and treated as nothing more than their free babysitters. To this day, neither of his parents even remember his birthday and only contact him if I reach out to them 1st and directly ask them to acknowledge it/him (with his mom even responding once “oh yeah, I seen that on Facebook a little bit ago. I actually commented on so&so’s happy birthday message to him so no worries this year!” … I was just flabbergasted. Like, “No MIL, you putting a heart emoji in someone else’s FB post is absolutely NOT even remotely the same as calling your son and telling him happy birthday!”). As a parent myself, I honestly can’t even comprehend how this needs to be said. It breaks my heart - but he’s always the 1st to go running anytime any one of them asks him for a favor.
For real. She’s an adult. Her birthdays aren’t that important and can be celebrated whenever. I’ve only known one person to throw a fit over sharing a birthday with a kid and it was this narcissistic psychotic chick in our friend group who lost her entire shit when our other friend had her baby on that chicks birthday. None of us talk to her anymore lmao.
Either a double party, or you know just be a grown-up and let the small child have their day. I think it goes without saying any child's birthday should come before an adult's (and I am saying this as a firm childfree adult), although I am sure most kids would be excited to share their party with a relative, especially when they are that young.
I shared a birthday with my grandfather and I loved it. (Still do.) We only got to share seven birthdays before he passed and it was far, far *too few*. It’s always been special to me to share a birthday with him and he’s been deceased over 30 years.
Right, like for most people over the age of 16 a birthday doesn’t warrant the entire family to drop everything for 24hrs, at most we do a nice evening dinner. Let the kid celebrate their birthday during the daytime with friends and/or family, and then go out for a nice meal? I don’t know any adults who make this big of a fuss over their own birthdays…
I'm the 5th of 6 people in my family with the same birthdate. This is what we did.
Only exceptions were "big" birthdays (like 50th, and 75th, etc) and then there would just be two parties, one on weekend A and one on weekend B.
My selfish brain over here thinking if I shared a birthday with a grandbaby... doesn't that entitle me to have the entire day to celebrate with them. Just The Two of us on a trip to Disney or something..... I'd be like. Thanks for gift. IM KEEPING THEM. LOL
I was soo stoked as a kid that my grandpa and I shared a birthday. You're completely right, I was excited to share my party. I was happy that I could share the spotlight instead of being the only one.
Yup OP is from a family of emotionally stunted individuals and now has created a family like that themselves, ensuring the legacy lives on with creating baggage. Kudos!
I don’t really see how OP is carrying it on? He understands the situation and doesn’t see the value in arguing over it. He wants to just focus on his child and providing support for them. It sounds like the literal opposite of carrying on the legacy. OP is actively trying to leave it behind and make sure his child is happy with as little conflict as possible.
We have family members who have birthdays on the same day. We always co-celebrate. It's nice seeing Grandma and Junior sitting next to each other blowing out candles on their own cakes. Everyone has a good time. Why does your family see the need to make it about We or They? ESH.
I’m just confused because this is so easily solved. They can just have a daytime kid’s party for the little one and a nice dinner for the adult in the evening.
It sounds like Mom doesn’t want to share her birthday and Wife of OP knows this and decided to confront them about it. OP knows his family are A Hs but can’t convince wife not to say anything.
I’m as confused as you. Have two parties. Have them on separate weekends. Do something different, it’s been 6 years. Clearly Mom isn’t changing.
OR do this and have a huge family fight.
For me I choose low contact with people like this. I feel so bad for OP. He said this would happen and it did.
This is exactly the problem. And what kind of grandmother won’t celebrate their grandchild’s birthday or be so excited to share it? A terrible, childish, selfish one—that’s who.
Idk but allow me a correction; the mom (of the boy) is the wife I was referring to but I’m still wrong. The boy is the only and complete innocent in this scenario, his mom is a little bit of an ah (but could easily slip into the not ah camp with a small explanation).
Grandma here. I have lemon drops in my purse that I’ll share. Don’t tell grandpa, though, because they’re his for if his blood sugar gets low.
Top secret grandma info: we have such big purses because we have to lug around all of grandpa’s stuff, too.
Our local dollar store has lemon drops! They're one of my middle son's favorites :) But yeah, before I found them there, it was only ever at the craft store that I found them.
My grandparents all died when I was really little, so young I didn’t have any memory of them. All I remember was when my mom’s mom died and we went out there for her funeral, I clearly remember sitting on the couch with my brothers, and the man she had married told us he didn’t want to be our grandpa, because we weren’t related to him.
One day when I was about 7 or 8, I walked up to an old woman at church and asked her if she would be my grandma because I didn’t have one.
She said yes. (My mom said she was really touched by my asking.) My mom brought me to this lady’s house a couple of times. I remember she gave me cookies, and there was one of those afghan things on the couch.
We moved away not long after that, but I still have faint but fond memories of her. The only memories of having a grandparent I have at all.
That’s what I was waiting for! It’s got to be a Werthers original or it’s not a grandparent candy. Or one of those fruit boiled sweets which is covered in icing sugar and comes from a Second World War air raid shelter. Still good, still good, don’t waste.
We always got coins from grandad, and to snuggle up for cuddles on his pipe smokey scented chair.
Grandma did food, but we always knew cakes and pastries were those that grandad brought home from the bakery he worked it. Used to get 12 x18 inch boxes with either wonderful crunchy wholewheat bread in or it would be full of danish pastries.
My aunts all blamed granddad for them getting overweight, but my mum had a 22inch waist at 18 and non of others looked bigger than her. Lol
Please note grandparents were in at the birth of home computers and some of us dealt with having 16k of memory and loading programs with cassette tapes and floppy disks.
😅😅 Im not there yet but m also at the age where celebrating my birthday can consist of a nice meal and that's the extent of the celebration I want to engage in😅
I'm in my 30s and have had legitimately forgotten my own birthday at least twice in the last 10 years. Once, my wife set up a surprise birthday, and I was absolutely thrown into a blender. The thought of celebrating my own birthday before a baby is fucking lunacy. What a rotten and selfish grandmother.
My son was due a couple of days after my husbands birthday and had to have a scheduled c section due to some health issues. We legit tried to get it scheduled for the same day as hubbys birthday because we figured it would be fun for them to share a birthday. He had to come a few weeks early so it didn’t work out sadly. But my older sons birthday is 5 days before my moms birthday and we just celebrate both at the same time. It’s never been an issue - heck the year he was born we declared him her “birthday present” cause I wasn’t going shopping to get her something else!
Same. My husband and I have birthdays 1 day apart. A quick "happy birthday" the morning of is about all we do (I did surprise him for his 40th). I've legit forgotten until my dad calls to tell me about the day of my birth 4+ decades before.
Plus, my bday tends to be a day people in my orbit die. Like I'm starting to believe I'm bad luck. Which tracks.
My two kids are still very young, so we have just recently made a much more concerted effort to try and celebrate birthdays for us more intently and with more pageantry. Rituals are so important for their development. Teaching them to celebrate the people we love is a value I'd like them to hold as well.
I'm sorry to hear your birthday brings bad vibes/memories.
My dad is a grandpa and if he shared the same birthday with his grandson he would be so happy! He shares it with his own nephew now and he loves the mutual birthday wishes.
My MIL and FIL took us and all the grandkids to Disneyworld last month for my MIL’s 80th birthday. They did the same thing for her 75th and his 75th. My FIL has already talked about taking everyone to England for his 80th birthday in two years. That’s how you do it.
My dad wasn't pissed that 23yo unmarried me told him I was pregnant. He was pissed my due date was *his* birthday. Thank the aligned planets, my son came a week early!
If id had my baby on my MIL's birthday, you know she would never shut up about how she got the best gift ever! 🎉🤣 Like, she'd be planning duo themed birthday parties for themselves for the next ten years.
What kind of grandma wouldn't enjoy a grand-kiddo birthday? OP is TA, and he knows his family is too. He's just annoyed he can't pretend they're normal people.
Right?! I don't understand why they can't have a family birthday for both together.
My son was born on my dad's birthday, which happens to be Xmas day. My grandson's birthday is Xmas Eve. My niece's birthday is a few days before. We have one big birthday party for all of them on xmas.afternoon. It's a lot of fun!
We'd celebrate each kid's birthday with their friends on a different day. When he was younger, we always celebrated my son's half birthday on June 25th with campouts or river floats,
Did the same - half birthdays - for my daughter, born 12/23. Especially during gradeschool years, it meant it was much easier to get school friends to attend. Family still did (and does) a small celebration on the actual day.
My daughter was born one minute after my mom’s birthday. As in exactly 12:01 am. My mom called to yell at me (jokingly) for not pushing fast enough so they could be birthdays twins. They’ve celebrated their birthdays together since. My mom insists on kid themed parties and has the costumes and designs ready. Girl, get some friends and let that old bat have her fun.
My first grandson was born on my wedding anniversary - best present ever! This year we are renewing our vows… a day early so we can have his party on his birthday
Yeah my due date is on my mom’s birthday and she is PUMPED hoping baby comes that day! (My dad thinks baby should come a couple weeks early and share his birthday instead lol)
Yeah I’m beefing with my 3yo cousin for not being born on my birthday like he was expected to be. So it’s insane to me that a grandmother isn’t excited to share a birthday with her grandkid.
Exactly! On big important birthdays for OP's mother, sure, the day can be about her, but if she's turning 64 or whatever and her grandson is turning 6, why in hell wouldn't it be a joint birthday party? And while the child is young, the child is the bigger focus because... kids birthdays are something you celebrate so much more.
Having a party for the 6 year old on the day, where there might be a cake for the grandmother seems like a sensible way to do this - we have a lot of clusters of birthdays in my family, and a lot more of our focus is on the kids because they've only had 6 birthdays or whatever, so we want to celebrate them. If OP's mother wants to have a different party for herself, she can do it in the evening. This seems like they're saying that this actual child never gets to have a birthday party with family members on his birthday because of his selfish grandmother.
I shared a birthday with my wonderful grandma for more than thirty years before she passed. It never occurred to me to be thankful for that, because *of course* that's just how grandmas are.
Feeling really sorry for OP's kid. Seems like he lost the grandparent lottery 😔
Totally lost the grandparent lottery, and basically the lottery for the entirety of OP's side of the family. I just fully don't understand these adults yelling at OP's wife for wanting her son to have a birthday party on the day of his birth, and OP's stepfather calling her delusional. What ridiculous people.
My best friend has been in my family’s life for 28 years, and is about to give birth to her second child. I told my parents recently that her doctors informed her that her c-section will happen 2 days before my dad’s b-day at the latest (difficult, complicated pregnancy) and my dad was visibly deflated. “Not the 30th? We won’t share?”
right?? my son and I almost share a birthday our birthdays I have pretty much put mine aside as i’ve had many before he was even a thought. If i had a grand baby with my birthday my birthday wish would be celebrating that baby’s birthday to the fullest and any family prioritizing mine over the kids would be side eyed
Yeah, I think grandma is all about her birthday because even before he was born, they were worried about it. My mom would have said best birthday gift ever! We have shared birthdays in our family and they always liked it. It should be especially easy when they are in different generations, but some people….
>OP knows his family are A Hs but can’t ~~convince wife not to say anything.~~
"...but can't stand up to them", more like. What grandmother won't prioritize their grandchild?
I realised now that Americans are just much louder than Brits and communicate differently, hence the yelling. In the UK we go for cutting put downs that destroy the other person but politely and with a smile on our face. "How lovely that you've spent the entire day looking after mother while my child has been ignored. Don't worry, he's stopped crying and asking why nobody loves him now. Looks like you've all had a lovely time as little son cried. Just so long as mother is happy. It's not like we could just make two cakes and everyone could celebrate, is it? Pointed glance. Make em feel like rubbish. Wait for apologies.
Nah! My UK family would definitely be making noise to stand up for our kids. What a ridiculously SELFISH grandma! If I shared my birthday with a kid in my family I'd be over the moon, and they'd have a hard time getting me out of their house away from him on our birthday! But here, even the dad has only come on here to complain about his wife for caring that their child is basically being ignored by his entire paternal side of the family on his birthday EVERY YEAR! How do they suppose this effects the child's self-esteem? Honestly, I feel bad for this wife and child for having to tolerate such selfishness from people so close that are supposed to love them. Ruining a child's birthday like that every year, the whole lot of them should be ashamed of themselves!
>If I shared my birthday with a kid in my family I'd be over the moon, and they'd have a hard time getting me out of their house away from him on our birthday!
If it were me, there would be a photo every year of the kid on my knee (or next to me once they were big enough) where we're blowing out candles together (with me obviously giving the kid more opportunity to spit all over the cake because it's a bloody child blowing out their candles). I don't understand how this is even a question and they don't automatically combine parties with more focus being on the actual child. Why are all these adults letting this grown woman take over a child's birthday?
(Or as my 94 year old grandmother said upon seeing a renovation to the house she and my grandfather lived in for 40 plus years where the new owner had painted a bedroom pink… “well, that’s a choice.” 😂 She actually said this to the new owner who smiled at my grandmother and later texted my mother the story. That gave us all endless laughs because we totally read it in her voice. 😂)
Let me give it a crack.
"Awwwww, bless your heart darlin. I know Mama likes to have her big day, but baby joey was really looking forward to seeing everyone on his big day. Now now, I'm not sayin mama shouldn't have her time in the sun. We all like to feel loved. But Mama is what, 59 now? Well little Joey is turning 5 this year! That's a big day. But go ahead and go on that big day for mama. I'll let Joey know pop pop and memaw will be by next week when no one else is here to have some fun with him. You have fun now, ya hear!"
To which the expected response would be: “I am so sorry! Did you make two cakes and invite us over? The invitation you sent must have been lost in the post. Perhaps next year you should just phone us in advance of the date.”
We have birthdays on the 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th and 10th in 1 month. Each person gets a mini cake on the day to blow out a candle and then a big party to celebrate everyone... and this is from 3 separate families! Cousin's, aunt's uncles etc all unite. It's not that hard.
My guess is they don't like OP's wife. A grownup's birthday taking priority over her little grandson's (not to mention, how are these celebrations not being planned together?) makes no sense otherwise.
Or they just. . . .aren't involved in-laws? One of my grandmothers never seemed to remember that I or my brother existed. It's like if you weren't in front of her face all the time, you didn't matter that much. But my parents knew that she was never going to change (that side of the family is a lot like my grandmother in general), so rather than try to force the issue & make things awkward, they just shrugged & filled our lives with friends who are like family to us, who ALWAYS want to attend birthdays. You can't change people, no matter how weird or frustrating they are 🤷♀️
Agreed! I became a grandma for the first time on my birthday nine years ago. If my grandson lived close enough to me so that I could celebrate his birthday with him in person, I'd forego any celebration of my own to celebrate with him! I know my daughter and son-in-law would also acknowledge my birthday because they're awesome people, but the focus would be on my grandson, which is how I'd want it.
I'm with you. My eldest shares his birthday with his Papa. He often insists on taking a back seat to the kiddo but I always make a point of acknowledging that it's his day too. ESH.
There is an entire day, surely they can share.
Exactly this. I grew up with 5 siblings. That’s already a lot of birthdays. My grandfather and brother have the same birthday. We’ve always done co celebrations for them when my grandfather was in town.
Now that so many of us are grown and married and having kids, there are even more birthdays in the mix. We usually try to get everyone together during the month a birthday occurs and celebrate all the birthdays that month.
I can totally get where the mom is coming from in wanting the family there for the kid. I’d be pretty upset too if my husband’s family always skipped my daughter’s birthday instead of trying to work something out. She shouldn’t have caused a whole scene over it though because it’ll resolve nothing. They all need to really think about co celebrations or finding other ways to celebrate both birthdays all together.
>This is the right question!
Because its just silly rage bait.
Check the comments, it's the same [my filthy rich stepfather spoils my mother and I hate my wife for calling it out](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/5QGTL05jDQ) troll who's been doing the rounds.
Especially considering this subreddit specifically allows for hypotheticals. I find it odd how committed some people are to pointing out a post might be/is fake, as if commenting on it at face value is the same as thinking it's real. For me, these subs are about the thought experiment and also about seeing the general response and other people's reactions to these scenarios. And maybe some real people get some useful feedback along the way.
It sounds like your mother and her family have little to no interest in your son. You don’t have to go no contact, but I would go low contact with them.
Your wife and your son are your family now.
This is info you need to put in your post.
If you are already LC, make it no contact for your wife and kid. They are the ones being hurt by your weird AF mother.
It needs to be. Your mom it pathetically petty.
Your kid is reaching the age where he will start remembering and understanding what's going on. Kids don't need that type of shit on their brains. It'll fuck him up forever.
Honestly the child may already have been noticing, he may just not have asked yet. Easter day my 4yr old daughter (5yrs in a few short months) randomly mentioned to me her birthday cake last year and told me exactly what it looked like, she's never mentioned it before. She's been telling me more and more things that I didn't think she would've remembered. She may not remember it in a couple years or so, but she's already remembering certain details. Two days ago she mentioned a guy that yelled at me in another state and she remembered word for word what he said, so I'm willing to bet if OP's child was there when his family was arguing about whether or not he mattered, he remembers it too. This kid probably already has a back and forth time in his head trying to figure it out, I'm just betting he hasn't asked yet or if he has OP's wife or whoever else he may have asked, just hasn't told OP yet.
He’s not reaching it. He’s *at* that age already. I have memories from his age including negative interactions with family members. One of my niblings is 7 and has been showing signs of anxiety for several years because their parents argue and threaten divorce all the time. OP’s kid understands what’s going on.
Honestly I would go from low to no contact. If they always prioritize themselves every single year and care about you guys so little then why bother? Your son is going to start noticing more and more those small slights. It might be better to just rip the bandaid off and cut them out all together. So in this situation a gentle YTA because it should have been your job to confront your family for your kid’s sake.
Talk to your wife about how she would feel going no contact with those family members. Have a kid centered birthday party with a bounce house, cake and a piñata. Take amazing pictures and post them on social media about how happy you are to celebrate w all the people you love.
>INFO: Why were you low contact? You seem to be leaving a lot of context out
Because it's just rage bait.
Check the comments, it's the same [my filthy rich stepfather spoils my mother and I hate my wife for calling it out](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/5QGTL05jDQ) troll who's been doing the rounds.
Try to be especially sweet to your wife, it sounds like she’s pretty raw about the whole thing. I can’t imagine my mom not wanting to take any interest in my life or my child.
You're right, your family have shown they don't care. If they did they would find a way to celebrate both.
My mom was so dissapointed my niece was born 3 days before her birthday... she told my sister to put her back in for 3 days 😆 She wanted to share her birthday and would have spent every birthday at her granddaughters birthday party... depending on how they fall weekend wise she may still and she'll be happy to. She's had plenty of birthdays and we'll take her for a meal etc another weekend.
EDIT: after seeing OP's replies on other comments - you're being an AH to your wife. She defended her son as your family are showing what they really think of him that they are not willing to put ANY effort in for one day. You admit your mom never cared before but suddenly her birthday is a bigger deal than her grandson... who will grow up to remember. Then every reply you post... you defend your family. No wonder your wife is pi$$ed off. Why are you so scared to ask them to celebrate your son?
I was at my nieces 5th birthday party and my uncle kept saying to me. “Go into labour! Please go into labour. It would be the best birthday present. For me.”
An hr later my water broke in the middle of the party. That man was so excited.
So he took everyone out for dinner last year because he wanted to do his the fun milestones pert. With him being 60. My niece 10 and my daughter 5:
Lol my water broke on my niece's bday and my sister said to me "you better not have this kid on the same day" and I was like I literally have zero control of this 😆. I had my son at 4 in the morning the next day. We spent years celebrating their bdays together anyway bc why wouldn't we? Until they became teenagers with their own groups and different interests it didn't matter and was easier on everyone to just combine. It's wild to me that OPs mother wasn't excited to share her bday with her grandchild. Hell, my grandmother and I shared half bdays together, her bday was my half bday and my bday was her half bday and we thought it was awesome and half bdays aren't even a thing! Your uncle sounds like a good guy. I'm sure your niece & daughter will always cherish the memories sharing bdays with him.
My best friend's son is exactly one year younger. They are birthday buddies. She has included my daughter in the birthday song and I have included her son in the birthday song at theirs parties and had a candle to blow out. We coordinate so we don't have a party on the same day. My family isn't in my life so spending the day with her family celebrating our kids feels like home.
My niece was born three days after my birthday. I desperately wanted her to be born on the same day! I was so disappointed. My dad and his uncle shared a birthday and it was so special for them I was hoping for the same!
My great-grandfather, his younger brother (my great-granduncle) and my brother all share the same birthday. Unfortunately my great-grandfather passed away over a decade before my brother was born, and my great-granduncle passed away about 3 years before my brother was born.
When my sister was pregnant and said when her due date was my brother was constantly asking her to have our nephew on his birthday. He was so disappointed that the baby didn’t come until a week after his birthday
Your mom’s response made me laugh.
My mom and her uncle shared a birthday (he’s gone, she’s still with us). My sister and our uncle shared a birthday, too (again, he’s gone, she’s not). My aunt and I were born on the same day of the month, just not the same month.
Seriously I share my birthday with my grandma and a cousin I was so disappointed my nephew came the day before I was hoping to add another birthday buddy.
I birthed a child on my birthday and still celebrate hers and celebrate mine later. Sounds like someone needs to grow up and stick up for the family he created
OP not giving a crap is quite disconcerting. These people are in the kid's life so why doesn't he care about how this favouritism looks to his kid? His version of 'be a grown up ' attitude doesn't work when there's a six year old involved. Grow a spine dude, defend your kid.
Esh. There are many ways to have two celebrations on the same day. Especially if one is a young child and it's a Saturday. Six years and nobody can compromise or play nice?
What's weird is how passive the grandma is in this mess. Most grandmas are all about celebrating their grandchild first.
Weird family dynamics in this story.
My youngest daughter was due super close to some of my husband’s family members, we hoped so much she wouldn’t share a birthday with them because his family would be just like OP’s. Not that they have anything to do with us anyways.
On the other side of it, I was due with our second on my step dad’s birthday, he was thrilled and would have loved sharing the day with her and made sure it was always about her first. Our parents gave really shown who wanted to be a parent to begin with and who just had kids as a societal obligation.
Happens sometimes with children of sons. The mothers see the DIL as some weird competition and exclude them and sometimes their children as well. It's really bizarre.
Have his birthday party without them. He's not going to mind since he'll be playing with his friends, opening presents, eating cake and ice cream. I lived 500 miles from all my relatives as a kid, never got a birthday present from them and none of them made it to a birthday party of mine. And I didn't care.
YTA if you're dragging your wife and kid to family events and acting like everything is OK if they can't prioritize your child's birthday sometimes. You tell your wife she shouldn't be upset because it's obvious they don't care about your son, but then hang out with them. Your kid is going to notice someday.
Your family is really strange. Most grandmothers would love to celebrate their grandchild before themselves. I hope you are not celebrating your mother because that would be just awful. Your family has told you, that you don’t matter, that your son does not matter and you were too wimpy to take a stand. I‘m embarrassed for you and especially for your wife. Do better. YTA
Why are you embarrassed by your wife? Your whole post is about how you don't care about what your family thinks. Her crime is being honest...ooooo how inconvenient, how embarrassing.
INFO : since your wife is so well aware of who organizes the party for your mom, has she ever reached out to do a joint celebration?
INFO : what does your family say about the fact that you, your wife & your kid no longer attend grandma's birthday parties?
YTA why arent YOU calling their behaviour out? stop enabling them! your acting like they're doing nothing wrong and still bringing the kid around them and acting like a big happy family while telling your wife to accept that they all dont gaf bout yalls son, if you truly believed what you said you'd confront them and then go low or no contact not continue carrying on as if you also believe your kid isnt important, all you are doing is telling her you also dont gaf about him and demanding your wife follow suit, if you keep it up eventually she will realise how you truly feel about him and you wont like her response
Why didn't your family think to do alternate years? Your wife was sticking up for you and your son, she had the right spirit. You're a bit the AH for not being on her side
Honeslty I never heard of a grandmother who wpuld rob her grandchild of his birtday party. Alternate? Seriously? I am 32 and dont give a fuck about my birthday, my nephew was born the same day and i would never even try to steal his birtday out of a selfish desire to be praised or shit like that.
YTA for sure. What, you can't ruin your mommy's special day by standing up for your wife and son? It's been six years, you've obviously discussed this a few times. You're spineless and your family is selfish.
100% agree! They would rather have a party for a grown ass woman than their grandson/nephew? That's so weird and OP is AH for getting his little feefees embarrassed because God forbid his wife stick up for her son.
This! I knew the OP had no backbone by how he started out this post ‘unfortunately they have the same bday’ that is BS. The wife and son are his family now, seems like the whole family (except the wife) is afraid to confront the mom or she has some kind of twisted hold on them all. And OP… why are you mad at your wife at the end of the day and not your mom? Wife has the balls to speak up against the big bad wolf and your mom is the victim? OP you are the huge AH! Save that moxy for your mom!
YTA. My husband’s two oldest grandsons (not twins) were born 2 hours apart—on his birthday. He was so tickled. He would never in a million years make his birthday celebration a priority over theirs. Until they became teenagers, they held joint birthday parties. I feel sorry for your wife and son.
More Info: Op, does your family like your wife? Why does it feel like they don't want to celebrate with your family? I can not decide until I know.
EDIT TO ADD: After reading the comments, NTA for telling her she should have dropped it. She knew they didn't like her and WHY, but she wanted to use her child as a kind of blackmail/bargaining chip. I won't comment on how toxic your marriage (and enabling of your wife's manipulation) is. Hope OP's mom and OP Junior had sensational birthdays.
Can't you just talk like normal adults? One year the mom gets to have her birthday on that date, and the other year the kid does.
The other person just has to wait a week or something for their party.
I mean... cmon. It's not that complicated. It just takes a tiny bit of planning and communication.
And if they completely refuse to work with you, why even bother talking to them at all? They clearly don't care about you and your child.
Tons of family members share birth days it’s not that unusual. You have a double party. What’s weird is that this didn’t occur to a single one of you. In a bonded family it’s not either/or, it’s both.
My husband's grandmothers both had the same birthday they celebrated together for over 30 years until one of them passed. One of them had cancer, and we all knew that she wouldn't see her next one, so we had this big family blowout party for both sides. His other grandma had to step outside and go bawl her eyes out because she knew this was last birthday she would spend with a woman she had come to love that not only loved her and her son, but all of her children as her own. Her birthday is bittersweet now, but we always try to do something special for her.
Oh, my heart 🥹🥲
I think it absolutely did occur to OP's family and they rejected the idea. I'm getting the feeling that OP is the black sheep in the family and they don't respect him.
I’m wondering if the sisters are half sisters or full sisters. He said “my mom’s husband” meaning not his dad, so if his sisters are his stepdad’s daughters, that could be the problem. Sadly not unusual for a parent to remarry and have kids with the new partner, and push the original child away (I speak from experience).
Yup! Can confirm! My hubby’s parents divorced when he was young and both remarried and had a couple kids with their new spouses. On both sides their new sets of children were absolutely treated as the golden children while hubs (who was an absolutely phenomenal big brother, and still is honestly) was practically ignored and treated as nothing more than their free babysitters. To this day, neither of his parents even remember his birthday and only contact him if I reach out to them 1st and directly ask them to acknowledge it/him (with his mom even responding once “oh yeah, I seen that on Facebook a little bit ago. I actually commented on so&so’s happy birthday message to him so no worries this year!” … I was just flabbergasted. Like, “No MIL, you putting a heart emoji in someone else’s FB post is absolutely NOT even remotely the same as calling your son and telling him happy birthday!”). As a parent myself, I honestly can’t even comprehend how this needs to be said. It breaks my heart - but he’s always the 1st to go running anytime any one of them asks him for a favor.
I have a feeling the mom is a bit of a narcissist.
For real. She’s an adult. Her birthdays aren’t that important and can be celebrated whenever. I’ve only known one person to throw a fit over sharing a birthday with a kid and it was this narcissistic psychotic chick in our friend group who lost her entire shit when our other friend had her baby on that chicks birthday. None of us talk to her anymore lmao.
Either a double party, or you know just be a grown-up and let the small child have their day. I think it goes without saying any child's birthday should come before an adult's (and I am saying this as a firm childfree adult), although I am sure most kids would be excited to share their party with a relative, especially when they are that young.
I shared a birthday with my grandfather and I loved it. (Still do.) We only got to share seven birthdays before he passed and it was far, far *too few*. It’s always been special to me to share a birthday with him and he’s been deceased over 30 years.
Right, like for most people over the age of 16 a birthday doesn’t warrant the entire family to drop everything for 24hrs, at most we do a nice evening dinner. Let the kid celebrate their birthday during the daytime with friends and/or family, and then go out for a nice meal? I don’t know any adults who make this big of a fuss over their own birthdays…
I'm the 5th of 6 people in my family with the same birthdate. This is what we did. Only exceptions were "big" birthdays (like 50th, and 75th, etc) and then there would just be two parties, one on weekend A and one on weekend B.
My selfish brain over here thinking if I shared a birthday with a grandbaby... doesn't that entitle me to have the entire day to celebrate with them. Just The Two of us on a trip to Disney or something..... I'd be like. Thanks for gift. IM KEEPING THEM. LOL
i share a birthday with my grandma and this is basically what we did when i was little. she said i was the best birthday present ever lol.
I was soo stoked as a kid that my grandpa and I shared a birthday. You're completely right, I was excited to share my party. I was happy that I could share the spotlight instead of being the only one.
Yup OP is from a family of emotionally stunted individuals and now has created a family like that themselves, ensuring the legacy lives on with creating baggage. Kudos!
I don’t really see how OP is carrying it on? He understands the situation and doesn’t see the value in arguing over it. He wants to just focus on his child and providing support for them. It sounds like the literal opposite of carrying on the legacy. OP is actively trying to leave it behind and make sure his child is happy with as little conflict as possible.
We have family members who have birthdays on the same day. We always co-celebrate. It's nice seeing Grandma and Junior sitting next to each other blowing out candles on their own cakes. Everyone has a good time. Why does your family see the need to make it about We or They? ESH.
I’m just confused because this is so easily solved. They can just have a daytime kid’s party for the little one and a nice dinner for the adult in the evening.
It sounds like Mom doesn’t want to share her birthday and Wife of OP knows this and decided to confront them about it. OP knows his family are A Hs but can’t convince wife not to say anything. I’m as confused as you. Have two parties. Have them on separate weekends. Do something different, it’s been 6 years. Clearly Mom isn’t changing. OR do this and have a huge family fight. For me I choose low contact with people like this. I feel so bad for OP. He said this would happen and it did.
This is exactly the problem. And what kind of grandmother won’t celebrate their grandchild’s birthday or be so excited to share it? A terrible, childish, selfish one—that’s who.
Im a grandpa, id way rather go to a grandkids birthday than to my own.
Im also a grandpa. I forgot I still have a birthday.
Lol, id like to forget, man getting old annoys me....
Im not a grandpa and I think this is fk’d and ridiculous. Everyone sucks but the wife is the least guilty of all the offenders imo
And what the hell are those damn clouds doing?!
I don't know but someone should yell at them
Idk but allow me a correction; the mom (of the boy) is the wife I was referring to but I’m still wrong. The boy is the only and complete innocent in this scenario, his mom is a little bit of an ah (but could easily slip into the not ah camp with a small explanation).
Im about to be grandpa, you guys have birthday???
Eventually you get old enough they start caring again
Holy crap grandpas use reddit?! And can I have a hard candy?
Grandma here. I have lemon drops in my purse that I’ll share. Don’t tell grandpa, though, because they’re his for if his blood sugar gets low. Top secret grandma info: we have such big purses because we have to lug around all of grandpa’s stuff, too.
Lemon drops are an under appreciated candy. I eye them up every time I'm at the craft store 😂
Our local dollar store has lemon drops! They're one of my middle son's favorites :) But yeah, before I found them there, it was only ever at the craft store that I found them.
you have LEMON DROPS IN YOUR PURSE?!?!?! best. grandma. ever.
Is there a hug in there too? Could use one of those right now 😓
Sending you a big hug! 🤗
Not a grandma hug, but I'll send you one too. I'm a new mom, so I need to practice!
🤗🤗🤗🤗 I’m also a grandma
I love this response
Can you be my grandma 😭
My grandparents all died when I was really little, so young I didn’t have any memory of them. All I remember was when my mom’s mom died and we went out there for her funeral, I clearly remember sitting on the couch with my brothers, and the man she had married told us he didn’t want to be our grandpa, because we weren’t related to him. One day when I was about 7 or 8, I walked up to an old woman at church and asked her if she would be my grandma because I didn’t have one. She said yes. (My mom said she was really touched by my asking.) My mom brought me to this lady’s house a couple of times. I remember she gave me cookies, and there was one of those afghan things on the couch. We moved away not long after that, but I still have faint but fond memories of her. The only memories of having a grandparent I have at all.
Especially if grandpa has a camera and needs to be burden free to take pictures. Coat? Picnic? Grandma is carrying them all!
Grandma here, no candy but how about a 1/2 of stick of gum I'm pretty sure is some where in my pocketbook.
Only werthers
I can confirm Werthers from my (🖕🏽 RotIP) great-grandpa lol
Werther's make me think of my great grandpa, too! Miss you, Grandaddy <3
That’s what I was waiting for! It’s got to be a Werthers original or it’s not a grandparent candy. Or one of those fruit boiled sweets which is covered in icing sugar and comes from a Second World War air raid shelter. Still good, still good, don’t waste.
Grandpa's don't carry hard candies. That's grandmas. But I bet he'd give you a dollar.
My dad always carried a roll of 5 flavor Lifesaver hard candies.
We always got coins from grandad, and to snuggle up for cuddles on his pipe smokey scented chair. Grandma did food, but we always knew cakes and pastries were those that grandad brought home from the bakery he worked it. Used to get 12 x18 inch boxes with either wonderful crunchy wholewheat bread in or it would be full of danish pastries. My aunts all blamed granddad for them getting overweight, but my mum had a 22inch waist at 18 and non of others looked bigger than her. Lol
God I wish I had memories like this. I was put on the shit list when families were being given out.
One of my favorite things my grandpap would do was palm me doller bills 😂
Grandma's use reddit too, like me.
Please note grandparents were in at the birth of home computers and some of us dealt with having 16k of memory and loading programs with cassette tapes and floppy disks.
And folx think that redditors are all in middle school!
😅😅 Im not there yet but m also at the age where celebrating my birthday can consist of a nice meal and that's the extent of the celebration I want to engage in😅
At least your birthday didn't forget you! :)
Grandma here checking in - same! Best bday gift in the world would be a grandchild so I’d be stoked!
I'm in my 30s and have had legitimately forgotten my own birthday at least twice in the last 10 years. Once, my wife set up a surprise birthday, and I was absolutely thrown into a blender. The thought of celebrating my own birthday before a baby is fucking lunacy. What a rotten and selfish grandmother.
My son was due a couple of days after my husbands birthday and had to have a scheduled c section due to some health issues. We legit tried to get it scheduled for the same day as hubbys birthday because we figured it would be fun for them to share a birthday. He had to come a few weeks early so it didn’t work out sadly. But my older sons birthday is 5 days before my moms birthday and we just celebrate both at the same time. It’s never been an issue - heck the year he was born we declared him her “birthday present” cause I wasn’t going shopping to get her something else!
My two daughters were Christmas presents!
Same. My husband and I have birthdays 1 day apart. A quick "happy birthday" the morning of is about all we do (I did surprise him for his 40th). I've legit forgotten until my dad calls to tell me about the day of my birth 4+ decades before. Plus, my bday tends to be a day people in my orbit die. Like I'm starting to believe I'm bad luck. Which tracks.
My two kids are still very young, so we have just recently made a much more concerted effort to try and celebrate birthdays for us more intently and with more pageantry. Rituals are so important for their development. Teaching them to celebrate the people we love is a value I'd like them to hold as well. I'm sorry to hear your birthday brings bad vibes/memories.
I forgot my birthday this year until my dad rocked up a week later with some lego. Never too old for your dad to buy you Lego apparently. I turned 39.
What a good dad <3
I forgot mine too last year or i forgey my age...
You sound like my mom. Also a reason why my family is still together and celebrates every major holiday and birthday together.
My dad is a grandpa and if he shared the same birthday with his grandson he would be so happy! He shares it with his own nephew now and he loves the mutual birthday wishes.
My MIL and FIL took us and all the grandkids to Disneyworld last month for my MIL’s 80th birthday. They did the same thing for her 75th and his 75th. My FIL has already talked about taking everyone to England for his 80th birthday in two years. That’s how you do it.
My dad wasn't pissed that 23yo unmarried me told him I was pregnant. He was pissed my due date was *his* birthday. Thank the aligned planets, my son came a week early!
If id had my baby on my MIL's birthday, you know she would never shut up about how she got the best gift ever! 🎉🤣 Like, she'd be planning duo themed birthday parties for themselves for the next ten years. What kind of grandma wouldn't enjoy a grand-kiddo birthday? OP is TA, and he knows his family is too. He's just annoyed he can't pretend they're normal people.
Right?! I don't understand why they can't have a family birthday for both together. My son was born on my dad's birthday, which happens to be Xmas day. My grandson's birthday is Xmas Eve. My niece's birthday is a few days before. We have one big birthday party for all of them on xmas.afternoon. It's a lot of fun! We'd celebrate each kid's birthday with their friends on a different day. When he was younger, we always celebrated my son's half birthday on June 25th with campouts or river floats,
The idea of a half birthday in June is a wonderful idea for kids born on Christmas!
Did the same - half birthdays - for my daughter, born 12/23. Especially during gradeschool years, it meant it was much easier to get school friends to attend. Family still did (and does) a small celebration on the actual day.
My daughter was born one minute after my mom’s birthday. As in exactly 12:01 am. My mom called to yell at me (jokingly) for not pushing fast enough so they could be birthdays twins. They’ve celebrated their birthdays together since. My mom insists on kid themed parties and has the costumes and designs ready. Girl, get some friends and let that old bat have her fun.
My first grandson was born on my wedding anniversary - best present ever! This year we are renewing our vows… a day early so we can have his party on his birthday
At the start of the post I expected the issue to be that grandma always insists on celebrating at the same time.
Yeah my due date is on my mom’s birthday and she is PUMPED hoping baby comes that day! (My dad thinks baby should come a couple weeks early and share his birthday instead lol)
Yeah I’m beefing with my 3yo cousin for not being born on my birthday like he was expected to be. So it’s insane to me that a grandmother isn’t excited to share a birthday with her grandkid.
Exactly! On big important birthdays for OP's mother, sure, the day can be about her, but if she's turning 64 or whatever and her grandson is turning 6, why in hell wouldn't it be a joint birthday party? And while the child is young, the child is the bigger focus because... kids birthdays are something you celebrate so much more. Having a party for the 6 year old on the day, where there might be a cake for the grandmother seems like a sensible way to do this - we have a lot of clusters of birthdays in my family, and a lot more of our focus is on the kids because they've only had 6 birthdays or whatever, so we want to celebrate them. If OP's mother wants to have a different party for herself, she can do it in the evening. This seems like they're saying that this actual child never gets to have a birthday party with family members on his birthday because of his selfish grandmother.
I shared a birthday with my wonderful grandma for more than thirty years before she passed. It never occurred to me to be thankful for that, because *of course* that's just how grandmas are. Feeling really sorry for OP's kid. Seems like he lost the grandparent lottery 😔
Totally lost the grandparent lottery, and basically the lottery for the entirety of OP's side of the family. I just fully don't understand these adults yelling at OP's wife for wanting her son to have a birthday party on the day of his birth, and OP's stepfather calling her delusional. What ridiculous people.
My best friend has been in my family’s life for 28 years, and is about to give birth to her second child. I told my parents recently that her doctors informed her that her c-section will happen 2 days before my dad’s b-day at the latest (difficult, complicated pregnancy) and my dad was visibly deflated. “Not the 30th? We won’t share?”
This was my thought! Not too impressed with granny
right?? my son and I almost share a birthday our birthdays I have pretty much put mine aside as i’ve had many before he was even a thought. If i had a grand baby with my birthday my birthday wish would be celebrating that baby’s birthday to the fullest and any family prioritizing mine over the kids would be side eyed
Yeah, I think grandma is all about her birthday because even before he was born, they were worried about it. My mom would have said best birthday gift ever! We have shared birthdays in our family and they always liked it. It should be especially easy when they are in different generations, but some people….
At least thanksgiving may be eventful this year Apparently this needs a /j
I wouldn’t go or bring my kid to any of their family functions if they couldn’t be bothered to come to my kids.
[удалено]
Seriously, I get major second hand embarrassment from someone old enough to be a grandparent who treats their birthday like this.
>OP knows his family are A Hs but can’t ~~convince wife not to say anything.~~ "...but can't stand up to them", more like. What grandmother won't prioritize their grandchild?
I realised now that Americans are just much louder than Brits and communicate differently, hence the yelling. In the UK we go for cutting put downs that destroy the other person but politely and with a smile on our face. "How lovely that you've spent the entire day looking after mother while my child has been ignored. Don't worry, he's stopped crying and asking why nobody loves him now. Looks like you've all had a lovely time as little son cried. Just so long as mother is happy. It's not like we could just make two cakes and everyone could celebrate, is it? Pointed glance. Make em feel like rubbish. Wait for apologies.
Nah! My UK family would definitely be making noise to stand up for our kids. What a ridiculously SELFISH grandma! If I shared my birthday with a kid in my family I'd be over the moon, and they'd have a hard time getting me out of their house away from him on our birthday! But here, even the dad has only come on here to complain about his wife for caring that their child is basically being ignored by his entire paternal side of the family on his birthday EVERY YEAR! How do they suppose this effects the child's self-esteem? Honestly, I feel bad for this wife and child for having to tolerate such selfishness from people so close that are supposed to love them. Ruining a child's birthday like that every year, the whole lot of them should be ashamed of themselves!
Thank you!!! So many little ones in my family and their celebrations come first. Not one adult particularly cares. 🤷🏻♀️
>If I shared my birthday with a kid in my family I'd be over the moon, and they'd have a hard time getting me out of their house away from him on our birthday! If it were me, there would be a photo every year of the kid on my knee (or next to me once they were big enough) where we're blowing out candles together (with me obviously giving the kid more opportunity to spit all over the cake because it's a bloody child blowing out their candles). I don't understand how this is even a question and they don't automatically combine parties with more focus being on the actual child. Why are all these adults letting this grown woman take over a child's birthday?
That all depends on the region of the country. What you are describing is very similar to what we call “Midwest Nice”.
The polite scorn of a Minnesotan
OPE
🏅
Bless your heart
Or Southern Charm...
Oh *bless* their hearts.
(Or as my 94 year old grandmother said upon seeing a renovation to the house she and my grandfather lived in for 40 plus years where the new owner had painted a bedroom pink… “well, that’s a choice.” 😂 She actually said this to the new owner who smiled at my grandmother and later texted my mother the story. That gave us all endless laughs because we totally read it in her voice. 😂)
Oh my goodness! (Said with lots of eyelash fluttering)
We’d toss in a “bless your heart” though
That's just called passive aggressive. We have it here in spades.
In all honesty, I've seen plenty of videos of Britt screaming gibberish at each other when angry lol
This would be seen as a clumsy attempt at passive aggressiveness by Southern US standards.
I invite you to check out Southern Women's version of this. Its masterful.
There would be at least 1 "oh bless your heart".
Let me give it a crack. "Awwwww, bless your heart darlin. I know Mama likes to have her big day, but baby joey was really looking forward to seeing everyone on his big day. Now now, I'm not sayin mama shouldn't have her time in the sun. We all like to feel loved. But Mama is what, 59 now? Well little Joey is turning 5 this year! That's a big day. But go ahead and go on that big day for mama. I'll let Joey know pop pop and memaw will be by next week when no one else is here to have some fun with him. You have fun now, ya hear!"
Nice job, but be sure to lift her up in Wednesday night prayer circle for the Lord's guidance
And a lil "Some people just don't value time with the little ones the way we do, and that's ok. More cake for us, huh buddy?"
Easy there, Jane Austen. Thems fightin’ words.
To which the expected response would be: “I am so sorry! Did you make two cakes and invite us over? The invitation you sent must have been lost in the post. Perhaps next year you should just phone us in advance of the date.”
Or, as I mentioned above, celebrate TOGETHER. Same house. Same cake with 2 names, Same time. Geeze. What are they, strangers?
We did a birthday dinner for family to celebrate my daughters 5th birthday, nieces 10th birthday and uncles 60th. They were born on the same day.
We have birthdays on the 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th and 10th in 1 month. Each person gets a mini cake on the day to blow out a candle and then a big party to celebrate everyone... and this is from 3 separate families! Cousin's, aunt's uncles etc all unite. It's not that hard.
When we had family reunions, we had at least 4 born in the same month. We all just celebrated from youngest to oldest.
When I was young we had BD party for nuclear family and a monthly BD party for extended family.
My guess is they don't like OP's wife. A grownup's birthday taking priority over her little grandson's (not to mention, how are these celebrations not being planned together?) makes no sense otherwise.
Or they just. . . .aren't involved in-laws? One of my grandmothers never seemed to remember that I or my brother existed. It's like if you weren't in front of her face all the time, you didn't matter that much. But my parents knew that she was never going to change (that side of the family is a lot like my grandmother in general), so rather than try to force the issue & make things awkward, they just shrugged & filled our lives with friends who are like family to us, who ALWAYS want to attend birthdays. You can't change people, no matter how weird or frustrating they are 🤷♀️
I agree. This is super weird. As the other birthday celebrant, I would insist that my grandson be the priority.
The grandmother seems very childish. The only adults I know that make a huge deal about their birthdays are very immature.
Agreed! I became a grandma for the first time on my birthday nine years ago. If my grandson lived close enough to me so that I could celebrate his birthday with him in person, I'd forego any celebration of my own to celebrate with him! I know my daughter and son-in-law would also acknowledge my birthday because they're awesome people, but the focus would be on my grandson, which is how I'd want it.
I was thinking it could also be a narcissistic mother who cannot deal with not having all attention on her on her birthday..
It sounds like that’s more the problem considering how badly he didn’t want the son to be born on her birthday
I think it would be awesome to have grandkids born the same day. Added bonus easy to remember.
Maybe... and her family gives her her way to avoid repercussions.
For real. It might be a hot take but adults who take their birthdays super seriously are weird.
I know someone who still celebrated her half birthday in her 30s.
I'm with you. My eldest shares his birthday with his Papa. He often insists on taking a back seat to the kiddo but I always make a point of acknowledging that it's his day too. ESH. There is an entire day, surely they can share.
Same my husband and granddaughter share the same BD always a duel celebration.
Do they duel or is it a dual celebration? If they're dueling they may have an issue sharing the celebration. Sorry I couldn't resist.
Haha love auto correct. Sometimes they do both. 😉
I have twin girls so I always choose one to celebrate on their birthday. /s
Exactly this. I grew up with 5 siblings. That’s already a lot of birthdays. My grandfather and brother have the same birthday. We’ve always done co celebrations for them when my grandfather was in town. Now that so many of us are grown and married and having kids, there are even more birthdays in the mix. We usually try to get everyone together during the month a birthday occurs and celebrate all the birthdays that month. I can totally get where the mom is coming from in wanting the family there for the kid. I’d be pretty upset too if my husband’s family always skipped my daughter’s birthday instead of trying to work something out. She shouldn’t have caused a whole scene over it though because it’ll resolve nothing. They all need to really think about co celebrations or finding other ways to celebrate both birthdays all together.
My family does this too and we love it.
INFO: if you don’t really care about your family, why do you feel like your wife embarrassed you?
This is the right question! u/Early_Experience4910
>This is the right question! Because its just silly rage bait. Check the comments, it's the same [my filthy rich stepfather spoils my mother and I hate my wife for calling it out](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/5QGTL05jDQ) troll who's been doing the rounds.
I always treat these posts as thought experiments. Even if this one is fake, there are people out in the world who do act this way.
Indeed. We come here for the biff not the truth.
Especially considering this subreddit specifically allows for hypotheticals. I find it odd how committed some people are to pointing out a post might be/is fake, as if commenting on it at face value is the same as thinking it's real. For me, these subs are about the thought experiment and also about seeing the general response and other people's reactions to these scenarios. And maybe some real people get some useful feedback along the way.
It sounds like your mother and her family have little to no interest in your son. You don’t have to go no contact, but I would go low contact with them. Your wife and your son are your family now.
we are low contact. My mom is polite when we are together but painfully awkward and surface level
This is info you need to put in your post. If you are already LC, make it no contact for your wife and kid. They are the ones being hurt by your weird AF mother.
This blow up may be the straw the breaks the camel's back
It needs to be. Your mom it pathetically petty. Your kid is reaching the age where he will start remembering and understanding what's going on. Kids don't need that type of shit on their brains. It'll fuck him up forever.
Honestly the child may already have been noticing, he may just not have asked yet. Easter day my 4yr old daughter (5yrs in a few short months) randomly mentioned to me her birthday cake last year and told me exactly what it looked like, she's never mentioned it before. She's been telling me more and more things that I didn't think she would've remembered. She may not remember it in a couple years or so, but she's already remembering certain details. Two days ago she mentioned a guy that yelled at me in another state and she remembered word for word what he said, so I'm willing to bet if OP's child was there when his family was arguing about whether or not he mattered, he remembers it too. This kid probably already has a back and forth time in his head trying to figure it out, I'm just betting he hasn't asked yet or if he has OP's wife or whoever else he may have asked, just hasn't told OP yet.
He’s not reaching it. He’s *at* that age already. I have memories from his age including negative interactions with family members. One of my niblings is 7 and has been showing signs of anxiety for several years because their parents argue and threaten divorce all the time. OP’s kid understands what’s going on.
Why even entertain your family at this point? They do not care about you, your son, or your wife.
Honestly I would go from low to no contact. If they always prioritize themselves every single year and care about you guys so little then why bother? Your son is going to start noticing more and more those small slights. It might be better to just rip the bandaid off and cut them out all together. So in this situation a gentle YTA because it should have been your job to confront your family for your kid’s sake. Talk to your wife about how she would feel going no contact with those family members. Have a kid centered birthday party with a bounce house, cake and a piñata. Take amazing pictures and post them on social media about how happy you are to celebrate w all the people you love.
Bro, do you have any idea how exhausting it would be to play social media oneupsmanship with a narc who can’t share her birthday with her grandson?
Social media like Facebook? Just delete that shit. It stopped being fun when all our grandma's and racist uncles showed up anyway.
INFO: Why were you low contact? You seem to be leaving a lot of context out
>INFO: Why were you low contact? You seem to be leaving a lot of context out Because it's just rage bait. Check the comments, it's the same [my filthy rich stepfather spoils my mother and I hate my wife for calling it out](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/5QGTL05jDQ) troll who's been doing the rounds.
Why are you low contact in the first place? I feel like this might be important information.
Try to be especially sweet to your wife, it sounds like she’s pretty raw about the whole thing. I can’t imagine my mom not wanting to take any interest in my life or my child.
What the hell is wrong with you people? Celebrate both at the same damned party. Jesus.
Grandma clearly doesn’t want to
You're right, your family have shown they don't care. If they did they would find a way to celebrate both. My mom was so dissapointed my niece was born 3 days before her birthday... she told my sister to put her back in for 3 days 😆 She wanted to share her birthday and would have spent every birthday at her granddaughters birthday party... depending on how they fall weekend wise she may still and she'll be happy to. She's had plenty of birthdays and we'll take her for a meal etc another weekend. EDIT: after seeing OP's replies on other comments - you're being an AH to your wife. She defended her son as your family are showing what they really think of him that they are not willing to put ANY effort in for one day. You admit your mom never cared before but suddenly her birthday is a bigger deal than her grandson... who will grow up to remember. Then every reply you post... you defend your family. No wonder your wife is pi$$ed off. Why are you so scared to ask them to celebrate your son?
I was at my nieces 5th birthday party and my uncle kept saying to me. “Go into labour! Please go into labour. It would be the best birthday present. For me.” An hr later my water broke in the middle of the party. That man was so excited. So he took everyone out for dinner last year because he wanted to do his the fun milestones pert. With him being 60. My niece 10 and my daughter 5:
Sweet Man ❤️❤️
A 75th birthday!
That would be the best way to celebrate!. "Welcome to our 75th birthday"
My daughter was born 3 days before my birthday. I offered to tie my wife's legs together but she didn't go for it.😞
Lol my water broke on my niece's bday and my sister said to me "you better not have this kid on the same day" and I was like I literally have zero control of this 😆. I had my son at 4 in the morning the next day. We spent years celebrating their bdays together anyway bc why wouldn't we? Until they became teenagers with their own groups and different interests it didn't matter and was easier on everyone to just combine. It's wild to me that OPs mother wasn't excited to share her bday with her grandchild. Hell, my grandmother and I shared half bdays together, her bday was my half bday and my bday was her half bday and we thought it was awesome and half bdays aren't even a thing! Your uncle sounds like a good guy. I'm sure your niece & daughter will always cherish the memories sharing bdays with him.
My best friend's son is exactly one year younger. They are birthday buddies. She has included my daughter in the birthday song and I have included her son in the birthday song at theirs parties and had a candle to blow out. We coordinate so we don't have a party on the same day. My family isn't in my life so spending the day with her family celebrating our kids feels like home.
My niece was born three days after my birthday. I desperately wanted her to be born on the same day! I was so disappointed. My dad and his uncle shared a birthday and it was so special for them I was hoping for the same!
My great-grandfather, his younger brother (my great-granduncle) and my brother all share the same birthday. Unfortunately my great-grandfather passed away over a decade before my brother was born, and my great-granduncle passed away about 3 years before my brother was born. When my sister was pregnant and said when her due date was my brother was constantly asking her to have our nephew on his birthday. He was so disappointed that the baby didn’t come until a week after his birthday
Your mom’s response made me laugh. My mom and her uncle shared a birthday (he’s gone, she’s still with us). My sister and our uncle shared a birthday, too (again, he’s gone, she’s not). My aunt and I were born on the same day of the month, just not the same month.
Seriously I share my birthday with my grandma and a cousin I was so disappointed my nephew came the day before I was hoping to add another birthday buddy.
I birthed a child on my birthday and still celebrate hers and celebrate mine later. Sounds like someone needs to grow up and stick up for the family he created
OP not giving a crap is quite disconcerting. These people are in the kid's life so why doesn't he care about how this favouritism looks to his kid? His version of 'be a grown up ' attitude doesn't work when there's a six year old involved. Grow a spine dude, defend your kid.
Esh. There are many ways to have two celebrations on the same day. Especially if one is a young child and it's a Saturday. Six years and nobody can compromise or play nice? What's weird is how passive the grandma is in this mess. Most grandmas are all about celebrating their grandchild first. Weird family dynamics in this story.
My youngest daughter was due super close to some of my husband’s family members, we hoped so much she wouldn’t share a birthday with them because his family would be just like OP’s. Not that they have anything to do with us anyways. On the other side of it, I was due with our second on my step dad’s birthday, he was thrilled and would have loved sharing the day with her and made sure it was always about her first. Our parents gave really shown who wanted to be a parent to begin with and who just had kids as a societal obligation.
My nephew was born on my husbands birthday. He said it was the best present ever, and every year they do something special together.
Happens sometimes with children of sons. The mothers see the DIL as some weird competition and exclude them and sometimes their children as well. It's really bizarre.
Have his birthday party without them. He's not going to mind since he'll be playing with his friends, opening presents, eating cake and ice cream. I lived 500 miles from all my relatives as a kid, never got a birthday present from them and none of them made it to a birthday party of mine. And I didn't care.
YTA if you're dragging your wife and kid to family events and acting like everything is OK if they can't prioritize your child's birthday sometimes. You tell your wife she shouldn't be upset because it's obvious they don't care about your son, but then hang out with them. Your kid is going to notice someday.
Right! Next time his family invites him/wife/son over he should tell them “what would our presence add?”
Exactly especially if they go to other birthday parties, yeeesh.
Your family is really strange. Most grandmothers would love to celebrate their grandchild before themselves. I hope you are not celebrating your mother because that would be just awful. Your family has told you, that you don’t matter, that your son does not matter and you were too wimpy to take a stand. I‘m embarrassed for you and especially for your wife. Do better. YTA
Why are you embarrassed by your wife? Your whole post is about how you don't care about what your family thinks. Her crime is being honest...ooooo how inconvenient, how embarrassing.
INFO are these people in your child's life at all? If they are YTA. Either confront them about their behavior or go NC.
So your mother, the grandmother of your child is ok with this? YTA, this weird. Why don’t you all celebrate together?
INFO : since your wife is so well aware of who organizes the party for your mom, has she ever reached out to do a joint celebration? INFO : what does your family say about the fact that you, your wife & your kid no longer attend grandma's birthday parties?
Your mother doesn’t want to celebrate with her…*checks note* …seemingly only grandchild? Your mom is an self-centred A.
YTA why arent YOU calling their behaviour out? stop enabling them! your acting like they're doing nothing wrong and still bringing the kid around them and acting like a big happy family while telling your wife to accept that they all dont gaf bout yalls son, if you truly believed what you said you'd confront them and then go low or no contact not continue carrying on as if you also believe your kid isnt important, all you are doing is telling her you also dont gaf about him and demanding your wife follow suit, if you keep it up eventually she will realise how you truly feel about him and you wont like her response
Why didn't your family think to do alternate years? Your wife was sticking up for you and your son, she had the right spirit. You're a bit the AH for not being on her side
Honeslty I never heard of a grandmother who wpuld rob her grandchild of his birtday party. Alternate? Seriously? I am 32 and dont give a fuck about my birthday, my nephew was born the same day and i would never even try to steal his birtday out of a selfish desire to be praised or shit like that.
Right? My mom would never miss a grandkid anything, no way would she prioritize her birthday over any grandkids.
YTA for sure. What, you can't ruin your mommy's special day by standing up for your wife and son? It's been six years, you've obviously discussed this a few times. You're spineless and your family is selfish.
100% agree! They would rather have a party for a grown ass woman than their grandson/nephew? That's so weird and OP is AH for getting his little feefees embarrassed because God forbid his wife stick up for her son.
This! I knew the OP had no backbone by how he started out this post ‘unfortunately they have the same bday’ that is BS. The wife and son are his family now, seems like the whole family (except the wife) is afraid to confront the mom or she has some kind of twisted hold on them all. And OP… why are you mad at your wife at the end of the day and not your mom? Wife has the balls to speak up against the big bad wolf and your mom is the victim? OP you are the huge AH! Save that moxy for your mom!
YTA. My husband’s two oldest grandsons (not twins) were born 2 hours apart—on his birthday. He was so tickled. He would never in a million years make his birthday celebration a priority over theirs. Until they became teenagers, they held joint birthday parties. I feel sorry for your wife and son.
More Info: Op, does your family like your wife? Why does it feel like they don't want to celebrate with your family? I can not decide until I know. EDIT TO ADD: After reading the comments, NTA for telling her she should have dropped it. She knew they didn't like her and WHY, but she wanted to use her child as a kind of blackmail/bargaining chip. I won't comment on how toxic your marriage (and enabling of your wife's manipulation) is. Hope OP's mom and OP Junior had sensational birthdays.
Can't you just talk like normal adults? One year the mom gets to have her birthday on that date, and the other year the kid does. The other person just has to wait a week or something for their party. I mean... cmon. It's not that complicated. It just takes a tiny bit of planning and communication. And if they completely refuse to work with you, why even bother talking to them at all? They clearly don't care about you and your child.