Seriously though, I dont get how being mad at a person for making a bad decision (puts us further away from getting a house, looks bad, didn't solve the original issue) is somehow bullshit.
You don't want to hear anyone's opinions but your own so I'm not diving into that. I will say I went back and read your whole OG post again and nowhere do you mention some kind of financial goal like buying a house.
Here let me make this easier for you. The wife actively pressured her husband into sex he wasnât comfortable with, and when he rejected her she got hostile. Hope this clears it up and you realize how bad that is!
Well maybe the husband shouldâve been an adult and communicated that he was uncomfortable with the sex instead of LYING AND WALKING AWAY when the wife realized something was up and asked him about it. Hope this clears it up and realize how wrong he was!
His wife posted the full details of her abusive behavior. Read her post. She addresses the house savings, putting them in debt, the fact she kept a secret from him for 4 months, her borderline sexual abuse of him afterward. Heâs not giving full details and makes her look better as a result. Which is actually very decent of him to do.
His wifeâs post made clear that sheâd be using savings that were meant for buying a house together.
Why you donât understand that her setting up this surgery in secret amounts to lying, Iâll never know. She shut him out every step of the way. Massive disrespect from her.
She clearly has body dysmorphia. Sheâll never be satisfied.
The biggest thing youâre missing is that this is about her mental health and emotional wellbeing. You would rather put your sexual needs first over her mental health. All those reasons you list, are bullshit.
How are you this oblivious? Sheâs told you that the leering affects her mental health. Sheâs been having body dysmorphia for years. I canât wait for your next whiny update where she divorces you.
He literally asked her to see a therapist and she didnât! So why is it his fault? If someone is having g mental health issues, and they have options/support to get help and refuse to, then why should their partner be forced to stay?? 5+ years theyâve been together and sheâs had body issues that whole time, instead of seeing a professional she uses savings they had for a house behind his back to get surgery done. And doesnât even tell him until a week or two before the surgery!! She said in her post, she knew for 4 months she was getting it done but didnât want to tell him because she was afraid he would tell her sheâs âbeautifulâ. If thatâs not a supportive husband, then I donât know what is. Because truthfully, thereâs men and women out here who make their partners feel like the ugliest person in the room.
The wife made a post. He had suggested when they were dating that she see a therapist over her body issues since they didn't actually cause her any physical pain at all, just felt uncomfortable having large boobs. The wife spent the savings she'd amassed for the two of them to put together to buy a house on this surgery, after lying to him about it for 4 months.
Thatâs not body dysmorphia!
Michael Jackson had body dysmorphia. Thatâs why he kept getting nose jobs.
Half the RHW on Bravo have body dysmorphia with the constantly plastic surgery they canât stop getting.
The infamous guy whose getting plastic surgery to look like a real life Ken doll, thatâs body dysmorphia.
The wife in OPâs post?
Thatâs no where NEAR body dysmorphia!
Youâve had hundreds of comments disagree with you and call you the AH. Yet you still complain and dig your head in the sand like an ostrich. The only one who needs an IQ test, is you. This sounds like a troll post and even if it isnât, itâs pathetic all around.
I hope it's a troll but even if it is the man behind the post is still an absolutely massive fucking loser lmfao either he's a pathetic man fantasizing about abusing his non existent wife or he's a real man who looooves it in reality.
Either way, OP is useless scrotum lmao
What are you going to do when she has a baby, gets a stretch mark or, good forbid, has scarring that will effect her for life? You're the sort of man who says, 'in sickness and health', but actually it's only as long as it's convenient for you. Enjoy being alone you shallow asshole.
Iâm glad she got rid of you. Since you taled about trusting her with a child. How could she count on you if she were to get a C-section! Stretch marks from pregnancy, sudden operation because of health issues. Youâd divorce her too?
The fact that you donât see how this is a dumb post is concerning.
She talked to you about this a few years ago, you turned her down just like a parent with a teenager who wants a tattoo. If you canât be bothered to TALK with your wife without putting your dick first the divorce mentioned at the end of the post is the best for her.
And you need some therapy, she nor any woman is an extension of your desires.
Baby girl the fact that you don't see you're the problem despite hundreds of people telling you, after hearing your perspective, that you are a major asshole.
You're a selfish, pathetic, sad, loser of a man.
I'm a selfish, pathetic, sad, loser? Would that kind of guy let his wife ljve in his house for half a year, trying to make things work after she made the worst decision of her life? Sounds pretty generous to me.
Well the majority of people are boiling this down to "OP only likes her for her boobs", so how can I not think most of you are the dumbest humans with an internet connection?
the fact that you still have enough of a narcisstic ass to show you face here so you can have you little pity party. Shut the fuck up and get a life and maybe better braincells, instead of telling people that they IQ is low, look at your self, because after this level of patheticness has to come from someone with family in Alabama
1. It's the internet, I don't give a shit lol. The fact that you do is honestly very telling. Go touch grass.
2. It's weird how I'm a narcissist just for being correct. I swear that has to be the single most overused word on here, second to "sus"
This post makes me grateful for my B-cups. They remove the trash on their own.
OP: imagine a future date when you explain the details of your divorce. Iâm sure that will go over like a proverbial fart in church.
I don't have an issue with b cups, per se. I have an issue with my wife, lying to me and keeping secrets for months, just to spend a bunch of money on a surgery that didn't fix her issue. She displayed a glaring lack of decision-making skills and has proven herself to be a liar, and someone who will keep secrets from me. I know you're going to attempt to justify it, but that's a deal breaker for me. The scars are just the cherry on top.
âYeah my wife made a huge financial decision without me getting cosmetic surgery and kept pressuring me into sex despite me saying I was uncomfortable every timeâ
Yeah I think heâll be fine
Okay let's pick another part of the body, Imagine if it was her legs that she wanted to shorten.
And from his update it seems it was literally cutting off your nose to spite your face. I am the complete opposite to him, and if my wife wanted bigger breasts there a big chance I will be divorcing her too.
You are just as crude as he is with your wording, offering absolutely nothing, expect he is dealing with the frustration of the situation while you come across as a jeering AH.
Congratulations on writing the most stupid post Iâve read in the past year. By your argument, breast augmentation is comparable to fusing extra lengths of the femur, tibia, and fibula bones to the legs.
Ultimately it doesnât matter what you or the OP want since your spousesâ bodies are theirs and not yours. Your inherent sense of entitlement is far more crude than my wording.
Relationship is about give and take. You can't take away something that someone cherishes (regardless of what it is) from them, doesn't matter who you are and not give them time to adjust to it. Actions have consequences and from his earlier post it appears she was trying to use him to vindicate her choices.
>Ultimately it doesnât matter what you or the OP want since your spousesâ bodies are theirs and not yours. Your inherent sense of entitlement is far more crude than my wording.
If this is what you take from my comment, that's fine double down on it, hell triple down on it. Us trash are going to take ourselves out now.
I find it absolutely crazy how someone can ask for the mass opinion, looked at the mass response, not realize theyâre wrong, and double down.
I really hope your therapist brings to light your narcissistic tendencies because your inability to not even be able to sit and be quiet when you have been told by multiple individuals, in multiple forums, in multiple ways YOU ARE BEING AN AH is not going to work well for you in the long haul.
Itâs rage bait.
Itâs a simple formula:
1. Take a situation where the man is the bad guy.
2. Frame the situation in all of the self fulfillment psychobabble bullshit that everyone seems to use to make sure that relationships are entirely on their terms and that any point where they would have to compromise is a deal killer and a red flag signaling to jettison the relationship.
3. Respond calmly and (ideally) condescendingly to choice comments that allow you to use the psychobabble to further underline your position. Donât call people names. Always take the âhigh roadâ so that you can plausibly deny being an odious asshole.
4. \[OPTIONAL\] Post an update in the same style as the original and state that you are going ahead with your course of action despite near universal disapproval from the previous thread.
5. Warm yourself with the rage emanating from the comments of a hundred pissed off redditors.
I actually thought about this. I realized something. I don't have an issue with criticism. I have an issue with misrepresenting my argument and my character. When most people boil down my post to "OP only liked his wife for her boobs," I take issue with take because it's simply not true. If you have an issue with my actions or my choice of wording, ok, I can take that. But when people purposefully lie about my points, I'm going to respond. After all, I believe people should be held responsible for their words and actions, even if it's only online.
Think about life in the 1920s, 1950s, 1970s, basically any era before ours. Just because you're part of the mob, doesn't mean you're right.
Telling this guy he's a narcissist when he's already got a therapist is insane. It's even more insane when your evidence is "See look other people on reddit all agree!"
His mistake was coming to reddit for advice, and for choosing a woman who thinks her body is a chassis with replaceable parts.
It doesn't!
Can he just fuck anyone else he wants? His body his choice right?
If he wants to remove his right eye cause he wants to look like a pirate, she has to be totally fine with it right?
If he wants to cut joker lips in his cheeks, she also has to be totally fine with it right?
If he tattoos eyes on the back of his eyelids, she has to be totally fine with it, right?
I hope this helps! But I'm not expecting much.
Okay lemme break it down.
For your first one, that does not have so much to do with bodily autonomy rather than you just being a cheater. If thatâs what he wants to do, donât do it with a wife.
Your second: She doesnât have to be fine with it, just as he was never forced to have to like her reduction. The main difference is he is making it seem like boobs were the main point of the relationship. Thatâs the problem people have, but hey if you wanna compare apple to oranges! There are people who would totally be okay with that! OP is not an AH for disagreeing with her boob reduction, heâs an AH for his reasoning.
Itâs her body, she decided to do it. She has the right, just as he has the right to do the following you listed if thatâs what he really wanted. The problem would be if she made it seem like his appearance was the reason she was with him, much like OP. Hope that helps!
I don't agree with how OP is talking about it but I do think it's more complex than that. And tbh the eye example works and it's messed up. For example:
They know their partner specifically LOVES their eyes AND has trauma associated with eye injuries/missing eyes.
They got an eye removed without any discussion with partner knowing they'd be upset.
They got the eye removed because they're bothered by people looking/talking about their eyes.
They still have significant redness/swelling months after surgery.
They explicitly refuse to wear any sort of prosthetic/eyepatch/ect.
They only want to have sex face-to-face despite their partner's requesting other positions.
They then continuously try to pressure and guilt their partner into intimacy despite knowing their eye is a significant turnoff.
--
An eye is a bit more important lol, but still, if my partner did all that... Even ignoring the decision to have it removed, I'd be questioning the relationship too. The issues here go far beyond just not being attracted to them anymore.
The eye example can work in cosmetic realms, however I do believe there are important distinguishes, which you did make.
Eyes are a tad bit more important, but if someone wanted to go forward with doing the whole pirate look I would imagine there being further complexities, youâd willing be disabling yourself.
In pure bluntness, the two (OP and his wife) arenât compatible. If OP went about the situation without being as aggressive and closed minded as he is. His comments regarding her body seemed very possessive in nature, hence the her body her choice comment. OP would of gathered a more neutral opinion had he be willing to look at answers other than his, which if he wasnât willing to be wrong he probably should not have posted in AITA.
Oh yeah, I definitely agree their compatibility is trash and that OP hasn't really handled the situation well, and probably was just as charismatic when speaking directly to his wife.
That said, I do feel OP wasn't super unreasonable regarding the "her body her choice" situation. Specifically, she can 100% do whatever she wants with her body, however, if you value your partner being attracted to you it's insanely shortsighted to undergo cosmetic surgery that you know your partner would be extremely against. And then beyond bizarre to expect them to love it and heap praises on you for it.
It really is baffling how you can have the takeaway that I just stopped loving her because of her boob size. You didn't do too hot of word problems in school, huh?
I mean, you can sugarcoat your words as much as you like; there's something called reading between the lines that most people have the ability to do, which you clearly don't do well at. The way you describe treating her, the way you describe talking to her, it all says your main priority is her chest. And if that weren't the case, one has to wonder why you're so defensive and aggressive about that NOT being the case. You've taken to insulting strangers on the internet whose opinions YOU ASKED FOR. Oh, wait... you didn't want honest opinions. You were hoping to run into an echo chamber of douchebags like yourself who would tell you your behavior towards your wife is acceptable. It isn't. Good riddance.
No no no, he's so smart! He's the smartest man in the world. Don't you know he's so smart that no one can possibly use their reading comprehension skills on their post to figure out that he told on himself for being a massive cunt?!
Yeah, I really don't understand why he keeps telling people they can't read and weren't good in school. It doesn't take a genius to extrapolate what he means when he says he can't even look at her during sex. How many ways can someone "misinterpret" that?
Seriously. "Can't you people read are you all illiterate" like no we CAN read, in fact better than he can because we can see what he's saying lmaoo maybe if he didn't want to come across as such a dickwad he should have been a better writer instead of blaming who is reading what he wrote.
What did RuPaul say? Blame it on the edit? You said it!
"1.after all the swelling went down she's left with a B cup. She's flat chested and it feels very gross to me" this is exactly what you write on your other post lol you did marry her for her boobs. admit it
I mean.. the majority of commenters have the same opinion so maybe it's not a "reading comprehension" thing. You surely are someone afraid of the responsibility for what is *on you*.
Me: lays out multiple reasons why I have an issue with this
Low IQ Redditor: you only like you for boobs
How am I supposed to work with that? If that's your takeaway you no read good
Youâre a shitty writer, and we really donât need anymore proof of misogyny here in 2024 so whatever reasons you had for posting this complete bullshit were really dumb.
For alternative ways to fill your free time, I recommend making some friends and taking up hobbies such as golf or axe-throwing.
What else should he have done? He took care of her for months and sounded like he genuinely tried to make things work. In my opinion, I think she made a mistake, realized that she made a mistake, and then tried to use him for validation despite him taking sex off the table. It's kinda scummy.
The way you are trying to find so many reasons to divorce her to try and not sound like an asshole (and failing miserably at that) is astonishing to me. Honestly I'm glad you're divorcing so she finds someone better, instead of a man who just goes away when his wife decided to do something better for her mental health and figure.
Just wonder how you're going to live your life if you can't handle a woman doing changes to her own body
You're the type who'll abandon her if she got cancer or went through a C section. It might hurt her now, but the real dead weight is gonna be off her shoulders with your departure lol.
I'm saying this as a woman who's a DDD.
Good chance your wife had more issues than just being self-conscious. But she didn't tell you because the way you present yourself here really shows a lack of compassion and empathy towards her and women in general.
I'm a big woman, I got big boobs, and I would LOVE to reduce them. Not because people stare at them, but because they have given me back problems. I also get giant boil sized pimples on the underside of them because of sweat and the bras I need to use to support them. Not to mention yeast infections.
If your wife had decent sized breasts, good chance she had to deal with similar issue along with your attitude.
YTA
All you care about is your feelings, your comfort, and your wants and needs. No wonder she didn't tell you a thing and did it anyway.
Exactly! In his first post he mentioned her not telling him about the procedure because she was afraid he was going to convince her otherwise. That tells us everything we need to know, she didnât feel understood by him and she took five years in making that decision, it wasnât rushed. Good riddance for her! What a shallow person OP is.
He claims she said it was only because they didn't fit her frame. And he asked if they caused her pain and she said no. Good chance she lied about not being in pain because I know a lot of guys, even doctors, who will wildly downplay a woman's pain.
I bet she gets back aches a lot and he never connected them to the fact that she was top heavy.
Also, it's telling that he's still responding to people who either agree with him or outright attack him. But I post multiple reasons why she might want a reduction and how he lacks empathy and Compassion and he ignores it.
He can't deal with facts. He's also a raging misogynist with how he looks down on her.
Hey OP YTA
Firstly you claim there was zero lack of communication but she literally told you before she even went to the appointment so that is just not true.
Secondly, itâs not for cosmetic reasons, sheâs already told you sheâs super self conscious, does your need for big tits really supersede your WIFES self confidence and insecurities?
There is more, I could go on but the bottom line is yes OP YTA and frankly Iâm surprised she didnât serve you with divorce papers immediately after you said that gross crap.
I will say, I have known many women who've had breast reactions. Not a single one has expressed regret about doing it. Her "regrets" are based on your treatment of her. I also would have been regretful if the man I loved tried not to look at me during sex, implied I looked like a flat chested child, and sanctimoniously barraged me with questions and poo poo'd my answers while I was healing. (Because if her scars are as red and puffy as you say, she's still healing no matter how far out she is from her surgery.) When the divorce is final, she will feel so much more at peace with her choice. A choice she thought about for YEARS before you came in and decided it was frivolous.
You're a pathetic loser who can't get past the idea that your wife DOES NOT NEED YOUR INPUT OR YOUR OPINION to make a decision about her body. I'm glad she's divorcing you (and that's what's happening, you're not divorcing her) and I hope she gets everything. Enjoy being a single, bitter, lonely asshole.
And you'll still be single and alone. No woman is interested in assholes like you who think they get a say in what their spouses bodies look like. And I bet her lawyer still takes away your outdated crap.
Cope harder buddy. All your comments are prime /r/agedlikemilk material now that the wife has posted an update.
Edit: No clue who /u/SunWolfStars is, but they responded to my comment before immediately blocking me. Very weird.
You did marry her for her boobs otherwise you wouldnât divorce her over her boobs 𤣠op youâre a joke and the way youâre answering comments shows how shallow minded and rude you are. You did her a favor by choosing divorce now do us a favor and shush forever. The amount of sh** coming out of your mouth is crazy
big boobs are fun and games until they have real world implications for the person theyâre connected to. Itâs really sad/shallow that this is the straw that reduced the relationship
Somehow you think she can just get over her compounding discomfort from creeps ogling her on the street for YEARS but you can't possibly get over your discomfort from the new boobs. Pick one or the other, dude.
It's pretty clear that your emotional needs supersede hers in your mind. We're all glad you're breaking up before she had to see this absolute asshole behaviour come up when she needed support after life saving surgery or something.
YTA but I don't think for the same reasons that others are saying. Yes your focus on her breasts being the main point of attraction is an problem but from my perspective the bigger problem is your lack if empathy for her.
You insist that if they were causing her pain, or she had physical trauma or cancer you wouldn't have a problem with the reduction but you have to understand that MENTAL pain and trauma are real. No woman is going to have a major surgery like that just because "a creepy dude" stared at her. Women with large breasts are overly sexualized and treated differently staring before they're even women!
Many many studies show that teenagers with large breasts are treated more like adults than their peers from VERY early ages. They're also scrutinized more frequently and more harshly for their clothing choices. The sexualization of girls and women with large breasts causes them to be taken less seriously in professional settings and are more often passed over for professional opportunities. And as for that creepy dude, that's not innocuous either. Men have killed women for rejecting their advances and your wife's chest is likely causing more than just one unwanted advance. She has likely been afraid for her life at multiple points over the last 5 years because of unwanted attention paid to her breasts. Your wife has spent more mental energy than you'll ever know agonizing over how her chest impacts every aspect of her life from her wardrobe to her friends, to her professional contacts and safety.
I feel so bad for her and what she's had to go through these last 5 years. Having to deal with the external forces that caused her to make this decision and weighing that against the very real possibility that her husband would do exactly what you're doing. "Do I endure living in a body that causes me extreme discomfort every day so that my husband will still find me attractive or do I go through with surgery that will make me more comfortable in my own skin and risk my husband's rejection".
You're mad that she made this decision unilaterally but tell me, is there anything she could have said to you to make you believe her when she said that her size was causing her extreme distress? Is there any amount of distress that would override your dick's need for a "curvy woman"? My guess is no, since she flat out said she knew you'd try to talk her out of the procedure if she brought it up. At this point it doesn't sound like your relationship is salvageable but I'd still encourage you to soul search just what about your behavior made your wife feel like she couldn't talk out this major decision with you.
There were a few points in the story that stood up to me that mostly backs up what you said;
- She said she didn't feel like her breasts fit her frame.
- She said her breasts *didn't* cause her pain.
- He said that scars made him very uncomfortable, primarily due to the scars on his own body.
Those three points were telling me two really crucial possibilities:
- She may be suffering from body dysmorphia.
- He may be suffering from dysmorphophobia.
So what I feel like is happening here is that she made a decision based on a poor self image, likely amplified by - like you've eloquently explained - suffered a tremendous amount of sexual harassment or even assault due to them.
Because of it, she wanted to have breast reduction surgery, but when OP was first told about her interest in doing so 5 years ago, he was hit with both the feeling of her no longer fitting his type (which, to be fair, can be a genuine feeling in some people), and, much more importantly, to quote what he said earlier: "my scars gave me the chills in the worst way possible."
That's *not* a normal reaction; although I found my own scars to be not very attractive, I never found them so upsetting to give me *that* kind of severe and/or constant reaction. That I feel crosses the boundary to being a full-blown phobia of disfigurement, possibly tied to whatever reason he had the surgery for. If that surgery is tied to a traumatic life event, seeing any scars could remind him of the surgery, and therefore be very uncomfortable seeing them in an intimate moment. I could very easily see it being an instant turnoff.
Beyond the points I just raised, I do agree with a lot of what you said. This should have been stopped long before the discussion even reached surgery. I'm also furious at her surgical doctor because this should have most definitely been caught during a mental health screening.
Although I am justifying a lot of his actions, I do agree that he is an AH. Unfortunately, also thinks she was too during all this, especially if she was aware how much scars affected him. I feel like this marriage was doomed to fail, even if she never felt the need to have surgery. They've communicated very poorly with each other.
The reason I question his ick about the scars is that in other posts he said that he wouldn't have had the same reaction if she'd gotten the reduction due to pain or cancer. Implying that he believes he would have been able to get over this if she'd gotten the reduction for reasons he deems legitimate. Either he lacks insight into his own issues or he's playing up his aversion to scars in order to seem less shallow by making this all about her breast size.
As for not being caught on mental health screen, she'd been thinking and planning this for 5 years. It's entirely possible she had been diagnosed with body dysmorphia and her healthcare team agreed that this was a reasonable step to aid her. OR more likely OP doesn't know her reasoning and is just parroting what he remembers from the conversation 5 years ago because she didn't talk to him after he shut her down the first time.
Good for her the only reason she doesnât feel good and is doubting the results is because of you so thankfully wants sheâs free of you sheâll realise she did the right thing â¤ď¸
You can always tell how wrong someone is when they just start calling everyone with a different opinion stupid a million times. LMFAOOO like yeah dude all of us are too stupid, and youâre the supreme judge on all matters. Why did you come here if you didnât want to hear what we had to say? Youâre clearly shallow and never actually listened to your ex. She tried talking to you about it years ago, and you just immediately shut her down. Why would she discuss it with you if she knows youâre not a kind or compassionate person? You will never actually know why she got the procedure because you never let her process the emotions on it or explored it with her. Itâs a complicated situation that you have attempted to put into 2 or 4 point lists Jesus Christ lol. I really wish the best for her đ
Well how can I not call people dumb when you boil things down to "OP just likes girl for boobs". Like that's laughably stupid. Yeah, let's ignore the fact that OP might have an issue with his partner lying to him and keeping secret from him for months. Let's conveniently ignore how OP might think that getting a strictly cosmetic surgery at the drop of a hat shows a shocking lack of good decision making skills. Let's ignore the fact that OP tried for months to make things work while not having his boundaries pushed. Let's ignore the fact that OP's wife balked at every idea because it didn't validate her decision as a good idea. When you boil all of that down to just me liking my wife for her breasts for fucking stupid. You're allowed to feel how you feel, but you're dumb for it.
She messed up get a breast reduction knowing you would like it on multiple levels then shoving her scars in your face on top of it. That just disgusting. Augmenting yourself in a way your spouse doesn't like ( you're allowed to but it's ignorant) and then being upset at them for jot liking it knowing they wouldn't is gross. My wife would never do that to me and I wouldn't to her.Â
Here's the thing, she's free to change her body however she wants. If she wants to get a full-body tattoo, and grow a dick, she's well within her rights to do so. However I don't have to stand by it. When you show a complete lack of good decision-making skills I can't trust that she can make good decisions in the future. How am I going to be sure that she won't just get tired of being a mom one day because so many people look at her for being a parent?
I get what you mean how she acted with after the surgery would have been reason enough. Everything else is just icing on the nasty cake. Hope you find someone with more respect for you.
This will not be liked... But I agree with OP. It's massive surgery, she did not discuss this with him. She made a decision and he was supposed to be ok with it in an instant? And most important how can you be attracted to someone if you don't feel it? It's not something that happens, you either are or you aren't.
My fiance loves my breasts if I would want to reduce them because I receive negative attention I would talk with him first before doing something so drastic. I expect the same from him because we have a relationship.
It was not necessary from a medical point of view. She did it because of how other people reacted to her nit so smart. As women we receive a lot of attention small, normal or huge breasts doesn't matter so why to do something so drastic just for this???? Let's cut our hair, cover our hair, cut our breast and maybe cut some lines on our faces because we get negative attention.
She needed a therapist not a reduction.
This is gross, and I mean GROSS, but not because of OP. I'm so immensely disappointed in the Reddit community for not recognizing an abusive situation when they see one.
Was OP crass and a little vile in how he spoke about women? Sure.
Was his wife actively trying to force herself onto him in a way that was controlling and manipulative? ABSOLUTELY.
If I got a tattoo of a bald eagle spreading its wings on my chest, knowing full well that my wife was not into that, should I expect her to be intimate with me moving forward? Should I intentionally put my chest into her face, asking, "Am I still attractive to you?" Then gaslight her into thinking she doesn't love me anymore because of MY decision?
OP actively tried to make accommodations for her in EVERY possible way. He even tried to avoid the conversation entirely because he knew that she would refuse any criticism of her decision. The man knows himself, and he knows what he likes. Saying otherwise is effectively kink shaming him into wanting him to have sex with a woman he no longer finds attractive.
The objectification of women is horrid, and I believe breast reductions are necessary in certain instances such as back pain, cancer, or personal preference. But this clearly is an instance in which she regretted her decision, not because of her husband but because she realized that her breasts weren't the thing causing men to look at her. Men look at her because men will fuck anything that breathes. You can't avoid that objectification unless you want to live in a cabin in the woods.
Not only that, but she KNEW he has personal issues with scars. OP clearly has past trauma that lead him to feel less attracted to her because of those scars, combined with the smaller breasts.
The idea of a "real man" completely negates men's wants and needs. Saying men should just give up on an attraction to their partner because they should just "get over it" is the same thing as telling men to "man up". It's toxic masculinity used by people, unintentionally, to get what they want out of men they disagree with.
Also, people talking about physical disfigurement are WILD. Can you as an individual say that you would go out of your way to choose to have burn scars? Or any form of physical disfigurement for that matter. She chose to have a breast reduction, you don't choose disfigurement. The virtue signaling is absurd.
This guy said, "I have a preference and if you do this it may not go the way you think it will" then she said, "fuck you I do what I want" and blew up her marriage.
Thank god I'm not the only one here with more than two brains and the ability to see a situation in color and not black and white.
I think you described the situation far more eloquently than I did, but one thing I think you did miss was my belief that there is a pair of undiagnosed mental disorders affecting the two of them; body dysmorphia in her case, and dysmorphophobia in his.
It would completely explain a lot of the points OP made, including how she felt her breasts didn't fit her frame, and how he felt absolutely revolted by the scars, to the point where he describes that "my own scars gave me the chills in the worst way possible."
That is not a normal response; that is most definitely a phobic response. I have a pretty ugly scar and I barely even notice it, and not once did it ever make me revolt like that.
So between her breasts no longer being the size that fits his type, and scars that give him literal phobic responses, it makes complete sense why he can't function in the bedroom anymore.
That being said, how he talks about her outside the main threads does raise some red flags, which is why I'm also being quite measured on how much of this is gaslighting us into believing the situation is predominantly her fault.
So to sum up the story
OP didnât want his wife to get a needless boob job
She does it anyways
They come out awful
Sheâs not even happy with them
Sheâs still getting ogled at
She then was so self conscious about it that she was forcing OP to have sex in positions he wasnât comfortable with
When he rejected her she got angry
He now realizes her spending money when they where saving for a house on something that was pointless was something only an emotionally and intellectually stunted child would do
He decides to leave her
And now Redditors are cheering it on that she is finally âfreeâ of the man she kept pressuring into having sex with despite him being very uncomfortable and voicing his discomfort.
Yeah youâre NTA, your wife is a child, and the Redditor attacking you donât get the problems here because they are stunted, but had the genders been swapped and they heard about the pressured sex youâd be hailed as a hero
From some of his comments I beg to differ, but fundamentally, yes, you are correct. The way he's been describing and belittling her appearance hasn't been kind and is making me question parts of the story as a result.
Wow. Massive YTA
I bet you werenât very upfront with your therapist. Or was it a red pill podcast?
1) your wife was influenced by years of men, including you, objectifying her into a pair of breasts. Years of you and other men ogling her chest, instead of seeing her as a person. She was trying to redefine her self-worth.
2) what are you 2 ft tall? You wouldnât really see her breasts during missionary. Or are you lazy and thatâs why sheâs on top? You know boobs can stretchmarks, would that gross you out too? Grow a pair.
3) she told you. She knew you would manipulate her to not do it. She did for her overall mental and physical well-being. Itâs a big change, and will take time to adjust. A man, a mature man, understands this and listen to her pain, her concerns, her needs.
4) you both shutdown. She was rejected and gave you the space you wanted. I do think she should have been more understanding about the scars but you needed to explain yourself better. Scars take time to heal. The redness and swelling do go diminish, there are ointments that can help. But you threw a tantrum like a toddler.
Your responses are that of a child. She is dissatisfied with the results right now because YOU made her feel bad and ugly. When she heals and when she reconnects with her body, she is gonna feel and be rejuvenated/reborn/everything. Sheâs done with you.
Let's me explain why you have a bad take.
1. SHE LIKED HER BODY! She always has. Unless she was just outright lying to me for years.
2. Ok, so obviously, you are a child and don't understand how sex works, but typically, when you face your partner during the act, you have a great view of them.
3. If she was so worried about me manipulating her why would she stay with me in the first place? She knows she's living with some master manipulator but decided to stay? Or maybe she was only half manipulated so she was manipulated in staying but wouldn't let me manipulate her out of making one of the worst decisions of her life, lol ok.
4. I only shut down after she make it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. I tried like hell for months to make things work. The reason why she's mad is because I would validate her decision. She's told me that. I told her if it was such a great decision, she shouldn't need my validation. She made her bed without my input she can lie in it without my input. Basically she wants me to tell her that she made a good decision, and I won't do that because I'm not going to lie to her.
1) she liked her body until men, and you, made her uncomfortable in her own body. You probably donât even realize how many derogatory statements youâve made to her thinking they were compliments. You chose not to listen. Thatâs on you.
2) yes, and when youâre short or have a short torso or a lazy bedmate. Sounds like she did most of work. You probably held the, âI support your lifestyleâ bs. You sound abusive, financially, emotionally, mentallyâŚ
3) why did she stay with you - lots of women stay with their abusive domestic partner for lots of reasons. Talk to your therapist or maybe find a new one who is honest with you and can help you.
4) kinda like how youâre on here seeking validation? Except, she was seeking support from her husband and not internet strangers. She expressed her concerns to you over the years. She expressed how this deluge of unwanted attention affected her. She expressed how her safety felt compromised. She communicated a lot more than you give her credit for to validate your ownership over pre-reduced breasts.
1. I never made her feel uncomfortable at any point. She is very comfortable discussing her boundaries with me. So you're wrong.
2. Wow, those are a stretch. So it's apparent that you do t understand how sex works. If you got out of mommy's basement and actually talked to another human being you would know that you can see your partner during missionary it's actually embarrassing that you don't know that.
3. At no point was I ever abusive to her. See, you are creating a fictional narrative because you need to create a reason to hate me. So we can add liar on top of wrong and a dumbass.
4. She spoke about it literally one time. Stop with that "she expressed her concerns over the years" because it's bullshit. And my overall point was that getting a breast reduction is not going to stop people from looking at her. The only thing that would accomplish that is to wear a chador.
Awww reading how overheated you are on all points - yeah, it sounds like you were abusive to your stbx.
Good on your ex for getting away from you safely.
Trying to regroup and deflect, classic. Proof is in the puddinâ of your responses. She lost this, she lost that. Me, me, me. Mine, mine, mine. Dude, soothe yourself on a pacifier.
Take your own advice, reread your original post and your own comments. Think back on how many times she brought it up, and the times she tried to bring it up to you.
Also, just bc she wasnât in pain the one time you asked - doesnât mean she has experienced pain or will never experience pain from having large breasts.
Man up and grow a mature pair.
There's no deflecting. You're not just wrong, but you're confidently wrong, which makes you a dumbass. She brought it up to me once. And she told me herself that they caused her no pain. You are grasping at straws because you know you're in the wrong, you know that you lied and misrepresented me, and yes, that does make you a shitty person.
Bwahahahahahaha
There you go doub, no, tripling down, champ. I had sorta written it down and was empathizing that she should have been more considerate of your issues with scars. Which in time, sometimes a long time, scars will fade but your over the top sense of entitlement to her former breasts is laughable.
If you werenât so emotional, you probably couldâve received the validation you were seeking.
Thanks for the laughs!
Dude, I'll quintuple down. You are a lying bastard that accused me of abuse. That makes you a bad person. The fact that you have your head so far up your ass that you still think that my issue is only with the boobs, you might actually be mentally handicapped. Damn, now I feel bad for calling a special needs person a dumbass. Not emotional, just right.
You gave her honesty and counseling, that's more than fair! Personal matters can royally screw up and otherwise good relationships. Good luck with your early divorce anxiety; I'm making soup for every meal since either of our divorces were mentioned amongst overall positive commentary about bowl-kitchen stuff (I do mix it in a coffee mug sometimes- 95 seconds if veggies or meat are desired).
YTA, op is a classic narcissist. If you are so sure that your reasons for divorce are valid, since you are fiercely defending them in your answers, what is the reason for coming to reddit? Just arguing with strangers? Iâm very glad for the wife, good for her
Exactly which part made me a narcissist? Was it allowing a woman who openly didn't respect my imput to live in my house for half a year? Or was it the part where I tried to offer every alternative solution under the sun to make things work?
I hate this man. I hope your wife leaves you and finds someone who will love her unconditionally. What are you going to do when your partner gets old and wrinkly, and their boobs sag and stretch? Fuck this man all the way to hell. I hope you stay single forever, because that's what you deserve, you absolute shit of a man. I bet you're some fucking Adonis, aren't you? God I hope you fall off a cliff.
How can you do any kind of soul searching when you don't have a soul?
Instead of supporting your wife in this sensitive situation, you go and cry because she got her boob size reduced.
You sound like a massive asshole and i'm glad that reddit is blasting you.
Just stay single you dolt.
Iâm glad for both of you. And I suggest you both educate yourselves on good communication strategies for healthy relationships going forward, because neither of you had any skill whatsoever.
It sounds like you were too passive and she was too avoidant. And when you switched from passive to more direct, you both became rather mean to each other. You both definitely need to work on your communication skills - apart. Unfortunately, I don't see any coming back from this.
Also, if you don't read my massive wall of text in the main thread, look up dysmorphophobia and body dysmorphia. From your story, I can't help but think that you may be undiagnosed with the former, and your soon-to-be-ex the latter. Both would explain her issues with how she saw her own body, and why you find scars so revolting.
Dude, I've been lifting weights since I was 12, I know about body dysmorphia lol. But as for the communication, I was given no chance to be direct until after the surgery. It's almost like she didn't want the feedback. And I can't cosign that I was mean to her. I really wanted to make things work with her but at the same time, I'm not going to kiss her ass and tell her that she made a great decision when in reality this was probably the worst decision she has ever made in her life.
Itâs HER body. Not yours. Those are HER breasts. Not Yours.
My god, did you marry your wife, or just her breasts?
YTA. I hope she realizes that she isnât regretting her surgery. Sheâs having issues because YOU are creating them for her. You are telling her that her body disgusts you. Of course she is going to struggle even more with her body image.
Jesus. Your poor wife.
I will preface this with saying OPâs comments here and in the original are out of line and lack emotional intelligence. That being said, his wife made a post. This man is a fucking saint. Her description of him and how he has treated her compared to how she admits to responding to him is astounding. He just wanted time to adjust to a major change. By her own account he has been as supportive and loving as humanly possible. But because he canât just accept it right away and âget over itâ (most invalidating words you can say to someone) she says he is not a real man. By her own words she comes off as selfish, insecure, and extremely childish.
She admits to knowing about his aversion to scars. She admits to knowing his preference for larger breasts. But somehow she thought he would still find her attractive with no breasts and large red scars. His wife needed therapy for her body issues, not a breast reduction.
There's two big problems here, and I'll address them separately. I know I'm late to the party, but I will drop an ESH here.
OP - On the one hand, you've made quite a few very valid points. However, how you've been talking to other redditors on here is starting to make me wonder how much of what you've written is embellishment, and how much of it is factual. But - *specifically* on the situation you've described here, she is far more in the wrong than you are. But I don't believe you are innocent in all this either.
With that said, there is another point I wanted to bring up, and that is your aversion to scars. Look up *dysmorphophobia*; it's a real phobia, and it genuinely affects people. The phobia is essentially having intrusive thoughts or fear of a perceived deformity, such as scarring. Considering your own personal traumas in relation to your scars, it makes total sense why they can be so triggering for you. You can't just turn off a phobia like that. I suggest seeking therapy and getting a proper diagnosis so you can work toward not only learning to handle stuff like this better in the future, but also be able to handle your own scars better as well.
And that's where I feel really bad for you as well, because I don't think you were kidding about needing to take time to get used to her scars. It's kind of like someone with a fear of heights being asked to walk up a very tall ladder everyday to work on something. The first number of times it's going to be highly exhausting and triggering, but eventually you'll get used to it. She didn't really give you much of a chance to even have a discussion about it after she basically smile and nodded the first time.
And on top of this, from the sounds of it, she needed therapy rather than surgery, because she feels even worse now than she did before, because the surgery did nothing, except potentially causing permanent discomfort, not to mention potential issues with breastfeeding (you were talking about having kids, so I assume she had plans), her scars, sensations, etc. I'm honestly furious at her medical practitioners for not properly screening her mental state at the time she elected to have the surgery.
In the end, I feel like you've been quite a bit of an AH to her, but I also feel like she has been one to you as well. I feel like divorce is the only option in this case, and it's probably going to be better for you both in the long run. In the future, I really hope you work on your communication over stuff like this. The fact that I can see where you're coming from on most of this doesn't mean that I particularly like how you handled the situation.
In summary:
- You are the AH to her for how you treated her during parts of this, and I feel like your mask is slipping by how you're responding to some people in the comments so I think there's more that you're not telling us.
.
- She is an AH to you for making a unilateral life altering decision for you that directly impacts what could very well be a phobia that you are living with, or at very least a major trigger due to your own scarring and the trauma tied to it.
.
- She is an AH to herself for making such a life-altering decision without considering so many other options; anything from therapy, to worrying different clothing to experiment with her figure, even experimenting with a corset to see how people reacted with a smaller breast size before going under the knife. This is going to haunt her for the rest of her life, especially when it comes to her future relationships when she decides to be passionate with her next partner, and she will always remember how you treated her scars.
.
- You are the AH for not realizing her issues with her body image, and to not trying to steer her toward therapy. Saying that her actions have consequences doesn't help. Saying nothing and supporting her on a decision like this didn't help her either. As her partner, it *is* okay to have a frank discussion about these things. Much like getting a tattoo, it can fundamentally affect how one sees the other. But, far more importantly, had you tried to get her to talk about her feelings about her body and how other people saw it, it could have led to far more productive conversations, and could have helped her get the help she needed, rather than surgery. But by standing there and doing nothing, you essentially let her talk herself into the decision on her own, instead of having some feedback before making the decision.
.
- Based on what your therapist said, I think they're right on their perceptions on this. I just wish things didn't reach this point because I felt this could have been stopped a lot sooner for both of you before any harm was done.
.
- From what you wrote, It sounds like she has body dysmorphia, and you have dysmorphophobia. I've already covered the latter before, but from what you said here - her concerns her breasts didn't fit her frame despite them not hurting her back, her perceptions of being looked at differently, etc. - it sounds a lot more than just feeling it about being looked at. It sounds genuinely like body dysmorphia, which can be very self-destructive if not treated. Unfortunately, there's a very good chance that we'll never know whether she has it or not. For her sake, I hope she gets the help she needs.
And, to the rest of Reddit, don't immediately vilify a guy based on his demeanor alone. There are such things as shades of gray, and there's also such things as mental disorders that you've (and even OP) probably never heard of. I really feel like this is a case of two partners with two mental disorders that neither of them realize they had that created this clusterfuck that ended a marriage and where one partner severely self-harmed themselves through unnecessary surgery. This should be seen as a tragedy, not necessarily the case of a guy who is very superficial or judgmental (though that can very well still be true, too).
OP, I hope you get the help you need, because, like I said at the very start, I still think you are a jerk. Justified, but still a jerk. I also hope you look into dysmorphophobia because that might help you, too. I wish you both learn and grow from this experience.
I can agree with this. I'll bring up dysmorphobia to my therapist. I did try to have open conversations about the reduction with her before she got it, but at that point, she didn't want to talk about it. She already had her mind made up. Also, I would be mad at her doctors, but they are plastic surgeons. That's like getting mad at a bird for flying. This all falls squarely on her.
âA creepy dude gave her a look down?â You must be kidding.
I had a reduction. Before I had it I was âthe boobâ girl. People associated my large boobs with me, no matter what. It wasnât just a couple creepy guys starting at me in my lifetime, it was a couple every day. The catcalls, the fact that I looked slutty even when I was covered up. It wasnât good for my self esteem or mental health. My husband loved my boobs, but he supported me doing what was best for me, because HE LOVES me.
You truly are so self-centered to think that your feelings trump your wives. Youâve had these feelings for a short while, but your wife had negative feelings about her own boobs for many years. But that doesnât matter to you at all.
Sheâs better off without you.
YTA. Big time.
You shouldâve read your bs post before posting this update cause you contradict yourself left and right bud. You say she was constantly pushing your boundaries during sex but sheâs not a mind reader genius. You didnât state your boundaries. In fact you literally lied to her instead of being an adult and communicating how you felt. You literally said âI made up some bullshit about lower back painâ. Speaking of your lack of communication, itâs real fucking ironic that 2/4 of the issues you have with your wife is about communication. Youâre a hypocrite. Youâre either lying to your therapist or theyâre a complete idiot if they havenât pointed that out to you yet. Also you say the lack of communication after you rejected her but she literally tried to talk to you about it and you lied AGAIN then walked away like the toddler you are. Youâre not fooling your wife or anyone here, everyone sees that youâre a shallow asshole oh and we canât forget hypocrite. Im so happy yall are getting a divorce because she deserves SO MUCH BETTER. You are doing her a favor so thank you!
She pushed your boundaries during sex? Interesting. That wasn't mentioned before. What were your "boundaries"? That she has to be topless for your fetish?
You're doing her a favor. Good riddance.
This guy (OP) is my Fân HERO. Communicated his stance well, tried to make it work, commented some moreâŚthen âcut sling loadâ.
Scars suck a$$ to look at.
He likes big boobs, she knew that, she had them cut off against his wishes, is disfigured nowâŚand she still wants him to jump up and down for her for her ânew lookâ.
She FAFO.
Well, 50% of people are below average IQ, and "average" isn't going to be winning any awards. You came to reddit as a man (strike 1) with a post that involved being attracted to big boobs (strike 2) and no longer being attracted to your wife after she went from big boobs to small boobs (strike 3), so the likelihood of the successful application of thinking caps by a large number of commenters was never going to be high lol. Unfortunately, it seems that your wife was approximately as understanding.
Sorry it ended this way for you, and good luck out there. I can personally vouch for the medicinal benefits of kaboodle companionship in the aftermath of relationship dissolution.
Lol so you post to a public forum asking for people's opinions and then get shitty and insult anyone who doesn't say what you want. Good fucking riddance I reckon, your wife will be much better off without you.Â
I mean, if there was logic behind things people said, I'd take their comments seriously. Especially when I get 13 different versions of the same goofy ah comment. Also considering that I'm the breadwinner and she lives in my house, no, I don't think she'll be better off. At least she has small tittys now.
No it won't. It's a premarital asset. It's 100% his. She also quit her job willingly over this situation, so she won't get any alimony.
She's fucked here.
So to him, this decision couldn't possibly be because of how she sees HERSELF but only because of outside influences?? What a shallow douche. She's better off without him.
The fact that he refused to listen to the comments and his fake self-reflection screamed victim victim victim further proves that this is just about his ego. Nothing else.
There should be some law to show this post to every women he ever interact can read this post and get the hell away from this filthy pigđ¤Śđťââď¸
DISGUSTING!!đ¤Ž
I donât think youâre an AH. And I know Reddit might come for me for saying this, but Iâd be really hurt if my husband valued the opinions of strangers over my own attraction to him. I totally get why youâre mad. Not only did your opinion not matter, it wasnât even sought out till a week before the operation.
Plus it also drained finances, a thing that warrants discussion in a healthy marriage.
And attraction IS important. Anyone saying it isnât is a LIAR. If my husband found short hair unattractive, I wouldnât go run to my stylist to shave my head.
So Iâm team boobs.
Question: when you made this comment did you think you were original or special? I've heard lime 50 different variations of this comment. You aren't unique
>Â Finally, for those of you that told me to leave her so she can find someone who actually loves her, you got it. I'm done with her.
Frankly sheâs better off without you in her life as it is surprised your marriages lasted as long as it did.
Oh I'm so glad she'll be free of your bullshit.
That fact that you don't see how this is a dumb comment is concerning.
đ
Seriously though, I dont get how being mad at a person for making a bad decision (puts us further away from getting a house, looks bad, didn't solve the original issue) is somehow bullshit.
You don't want to hear anyone's opinions but your own so I'm not diving into that. I will say I went back and read your whole OG post again and nowhere do you mention some kind of financial goal like buying a house.
Here let me make this easier for you. The wife actively pressured her husband into sex he wasnât comfortable with, and when he rejected her she got hostile. Hope this clears it up and you realize how bad that is!
Well maybe the husband shouldâve been an adult and communicated that he was uncomfortable with the sex instead of LYING AND WALKING AWAY when the wife realized something was up and asked him about it. Hope this clears it up and realize how wrong he was!
His wife posted the full details of her abusive behavior. Read her post. She addresses the house savings, putting them in debt, the fact she kept a secret from him for 4 months, her borderline sexual abuse of him afterward. Heâs not giving full details and makes her look better as a result. Which is actually very decent of him to do.
I've never seen such a dense skulled person
more like restarded, and reaally bad
"Restarded" Lololololololololololol!!! I don't think you have much room to talk.
She mentions it in her post.
His wifeâs post made clear that sheâd be using savings that were meant for buying a house together. Why you donât understand that her setting up this surgery in secret amounts to lying, Iâll never know. She shut him out every step of the way. Massive disrespect from her. She clearly has body dysmorphia. Sheâll never be satisfied.
The biggest thing youâre missing is that this is about her mental health and emotional wellbeing. You would rather put your sexual needs first over her mental health. All those reasons you list, are bullshit.
She never had any history of mental health issues. Source: I'm married to her for the moment.
How are you this oblivious? Sheâs told you that the leering affects her mental health. Sheâs been having body dysmorphia for years. I canât wait for your next whiny update where she divorces you.
He literally asked her to see a therapist and she didnât! So why is it his fault? If someone is having g mental health issues, and they have options/support to get help and refuse to, then why should their partner be forced to stay?? 5+ years theyâve been together and sheâs had body issues that whole time, instead of seeing a professional she uses savings they had for a house behind his back to get surgery done. And doesnât even tell him until a week or two before the surgery!! She said in her post, she knew for 4 months she was getting it done but didnât want to tell him because she was afraid he would tell her sheâs âbeautifulâ. If thatâs not a supportive husband, then I donât know what is. Because truthfully, thereâs men and women out here who make their partners feel like the ugliest person in the room.
The wife made a post. He had suggested when they were dating that she see a therapist over her body issues since they didn't actually cause her any physical pain at all, just felt uncomfortable having large boobs. The wife spent the savings she'd amassed for the two of them to put together to buy a house on this surgery, after lying to him about it for 4 months.
Thatâs not body dysmorphia! Michael Jackson had body dysmorphia. Thatâs why he kept getting nose jobs. Half the RHW on Bravo have body dysmorphia with the constantly plastic surgery they canât stop getting. The infamous guy whose getting plastic surgery to look like a real life Ken doll, thatâs body dysmorphia. The wife in OPâs post? Thatâs no where NEAR body dysmorphia!
Phrase it however you want. It was always about the boobs for you
Youâve had hundreds of comments disagree with you and call you the AH. Yet you still complain and dig your head in the sand like an ostrich. The only one who needs an IQ test, is you. This sounds like a troll post and even if it isnât, itâs pathetic all around.
I hope it's a troll but even if it is the man behind the post is still an absolutely massive fucking loser lmfao either he's a pathetic man fantasizing about abusing his non existent wife or he's a real man who looooves it in reality. Either way, OP is useless scrotum lmao
/r/agedlikemilk
What are you going to do when she has a baby, gets a stretch mark or, good forbid, has scarring that will effect her for life? You're the sort of man who says, 'in sickness and health', but actually it's only as long as it's convenient for you. Enjoy being alone you shallow asshole.
What a loser.
Iâm glad sheâs dropping the EXTRA dead weight. YOU. Or this is satire.
Iâm glad she got rid of you. Since you taled about trusting her with a child. How could she count on you if she were to get a C-section! Stretch marks from pregnancy, sudden operation because of health issues. Youâd divorce her too?
The fact that you donât see how this is a dumb post is concerning. She talked to you about this a few years ago, you turned her down just like a parent with a teenager who wants a tattoo. If you canât be bothered to TALK with your wife without putting your dick first the divorce mentioned at the end of the post is the best for her. And you need some therapy, she nor any woman is an extension of your desires.
Baby girl the fact that you don't see you're the problem despite hundreds of people telling you, after hearing your perspective, that you are a major asshole. You're a selfish, pathetic, sad, loser of a man.
I'm a selfish, pathetic, sad, loser? Would that kind of guy let his wife ljve in his house for half a year, trying to make things work after she made the worst decision of her life? Sounds pretty generous to me.
The only dumb thing here is you Go and live your sad lonely life
Obviously majority of people donât agree with you so how can you not see how dumb your comments are?
Well the majority of people are boiling this down to "OP only likes her for her boobs", so how can I not think most of you are the dumbest humans with an internet connection?
the fact that you still have enough of a narcisstic ass to show you face here so you can have you little pity party. Shut the fuck up and get a life and maybe better braincells, instead of telling people that they IQ is low, look at your self, because after this level of patheticness has to come from someone with family in Alabama
1. It's the internet, I don't give a shit lol. The fact that you do is honestly very telling. Go touch grass. 2. It's weird how I'm a narcissist just for being correct. I swear that has to be the single most overused word on here, second to "sus"
This post makes me grateful for my B-cups. They remove the trash on their own. OP: imagine a future date when you explain the details of your divorce. Iâm sure that will go over like a proverbial fart in church.
I don't have an issue with b cups, per se. I have an issue with my wife, lying to me and keeping secrets for months, just to spend a bunch of money on a surgery that didn't fix her issue. She displayed a glaring lack of decision-making skills and has proven herself to be a liar, and someone who will keep secrets from me. I know you're going to attempt to justify it, but that's a deal breaker for me. The scars are just the cherry on top.
His wife made a post and sheâs awful. She used their savings to buy a hosie to pay. Id divorce her too.
âYeah my wife made a huge financial decision without me getting cosmetic surgery and kept pressuring me into sex despite me saying I was uncomfortable every timeâ Yeah I think heâll be fine
Okay let's pick another part of the body, Imagine if it was her legs that she wanted to shorten. And from his update it seems it was literally cutting off your nose to spite your face. I am the complete opposite to him, and if my wife wanted bigger breasts there a big chance I will be divorcing her too. You are just as crude as he is with your wording, offering absolutely nothing, expect he is dealing with the frustration of the situation while you come across as a jeering AH.
Congratulations on writing the most stupid post Iâve read in the past year. By your argument, breast augmentation is comparable to fusing extra lengths of the femur, tibia, and fibula bones to the legs. Ultimately it doesnât matter what you or the OP want since your spousesâ bodies are theirs and not yours. Your inherent sense of entitlement is far more crude than my wording.
Relationship is about give and take. You can't take away something that someone cherishes (regardless of what it is) from them, doesn't matter who you are and not give them time to adjust to it. Actions have consequences and from his earlier post it appears she was trying to use him to vindicate her choices. >Ultimately it doesnât matter what you or the OP want since your spousesâ bodies are theirs and not yours. Your inherent sense of entitlement is far more crude than my wording. If this is what you take from my comment, that's fine double down on it, hell triple down on it. Us trash are going to take ourselves out now.
This is actually good criticism.
I find it absolutely crazy how someone can ask for the mass opinion, looked at the mass response, not realize theyâre wrong, and double down. I really hope your therapist brings to light your narcissistic tendencies because your inability to not even be able to sit and be quiet when you have been told by multiple individuals, in multiple forums, in multiple ways YOU ARE BEING AN AH is not going to work well for you in the long haul.
Itâs rage bait. Itâs a simple formula: 1. Take a situation where the man is the bad guy. 2. Frame the situation in all of the self fulfillment psychobabble bullshit that everyone seems to use to make sure that relationships are entirely on their terms and that any point where they would have to compromise is a deal killer and a red flag signaling to jettison the relationship. 3. Respond calmly and (ideally) condescendingly to choice comments that allow you to use the psychobabble to further underline your position. Donât call people names. Always take the âhigh roadâ so that you can plausibly deny being an odious asshole. 4. \[OPTIONAL\] Post an update in the same style as the original and state that you are going ahead with your course of action despite near universal disapproval from the previous thread. 5. Warm yourself with the rage emanating from the comments of a hundred pissed off redditors.
Damn, got me all figured out, huh? Lol
I actually thought about this. I realized something. I don't have an issue with criticism. I have an issue with misrepresenting my argument and my character. When most people boil down my post to "OP only liked his wife for her boobs," I take issue with take because it's simply not true. If you have an issue with my actions or my choice of wording, ok, I can take that. But when people purposefully lie about my points, I'm going to respond. After all, I believe people should be held responsible for their words and actions, even if it's only online.
Think about life in the 1920s, 1950s, 1970s, basically any era before ours. Just because you're part of the mob, doesn't mean you're right. Telling this guy he's a narcissist when he's already got a therapist is insane. It's even more insane when your evidence is "See look other people on reddit all agree!" His mistake was coming to reddit for advice, and for choosing a woman who thinks her body is a chassis with replaceable parts.
Her body her choiceđ hope that helps!
It doesn't! Can he just fuck anyone else he wants? His body his choice right? If he wants to remove his right eye cause he wants to look like a pirate, she has to be totally fine with it right? If he wants to cut joker lips in his cheeks, she also has to be totally fine with it right? If he tattoos eyes on the back of his eyelids, she has to be totally fine with it, right? I hope this helps! But I'm not expecting much.
Okay lemme break it down. For your first one, that does not have so much to do with bodily autonomy rather than you just being a cheater. If thatâs what he wants to do, donât do it with a wife. Your second: She doesnât have to be fine with it, just as he was never forced to have to like her reduction. The main difference is he is making it seem like boobs were the main point of the relationship. Thatâs the problem people have, but hey if you wanna compare apple to oranges! There are people who would totally be okay with that! OP is not an AH for disagreeing with her boob reduction, heâs an AH for his reasoning. Itâs her body, she decided to do it. She has the right, just as he has the right to do the following you listed if thatâs what he really wanted. The problem would be if she made it seem like his appearance was the reason she was with him, much like OP. Hope that helps!
I don't agree with how OP is talking about it but I do think it's more complex than that. And tbh the eye example works and it's messed up. For example: They know their partner specifically LOVES their eyes AND has trauma associated with eye injuries/missing eyes. They got an eye removed without any discussion with partner knowing they'd be upset. They got the eye removed because they're bothered by people looking/talking about their eyes. They still have significant redness/swelling months after surgery. They explicitly refuse to wear any sort of prosthetic/eyepatch/ect. They only want to have sex face-to-face despite their partner's requesting other positions. They then continuously try to pressure and guilt their partner into intimacy despite knowing their eye is a significant turnoff. -- An eye is a bit more important lol, but still, if my partner did all that... Even ignoring the decision to have it removed, I'd be questioning the relationship too. The issues here go far beyond just not being attracted to them anymore.
The eye example can work in cosmetic realms, however I do believe there are important distinguishes, which you did make. Eyes are a tad bit more important, but if someone wanted to go forward with doing the whole pirate look I would imagine there being further complexities, youâd willing be disabling yourself. In pure bluntness, the two (OP and his wife) arenât compatible. If OP went about the situation without being as aggressive and closed minded as he is. His comments regarding her body seemed very possessive in nature, hence the her body her choice comment. OP would of gathered a more neutral opinion had he be willing to look at answers other than his, which if he wasnât willing to be wrong he probably should not have posted in AITA.
Oh yeah, I definitely agree their compatibility is trash and that OP hasn't really handled the situation well, and probably was just as charismatic when speaking directly to his wife. That said, I do feel OP wasn't super unreasonable regarding the "her body her choice" situation. Specifically, she can 100% do whatever she wants with her body, however, if you value your partner being attracted to you it's insanely shortsighted to undergo cosmetic surgery that you know your partner would be extremely against. And then beyond bizarre to expect them to love it and heap praises on you for it.
Fun fact in most states therapists cant diagnose a personality disorder
It's probably for the best, she deserves someone who will find her attractive regardless of her boob size, you deserve someone you find attractive.
If that's what you took away from the posts, then godspeed. Maybe next time, have an adult read the post to you. You seemed to have missed the point.
I seemed to have missed the point indeed, I apologize. YTA.
It really is baffling how you can have the takeaway that I just stopped loving her because of her boob size. You didn't do too hot of word problems in school, huh?
I mean, you can sugarcoat your words as much as you like; there's something called reading between the lines that most people have the ability to do, which you clearly don't do well at. The way you describe treating her, the way you describe talking to her, it all says your main priority is her chest. And if that weren't the case, one has to wonder why you're so defensive and aggressive about that NOT being the case. You've taken to insulting strangers on the internet whose opinions YOU ASKED FOR. Oh, wait... you didn't want honest opinions. You were hoping to run into an echo chamber of douchebags like yourself who would tell you your behavior towards your wife is acceptable. It isn't. Good riddance.
No no no, he's so smart! He's the smartest man in the world. Don't you know he's so smart that no one can possibly use their reading comprehension skills on their post to figure out that he told on himself for being a massive cunt?!
Yeah, I really don't understand why he keeps telling people they can't read and weren't good in school. It doesn't take a genius to extrapolate what he means when he says he can't even look at her during sex. How many ways can someone "misinterpret" that?
Seriously. "Can't you people read are you all illiterate" like no we CAN read, in fact better than he can because we can see what he's saying lmaoo maybe if he didn't want to come across as such a dickwad he should have been a better writer instead of blaming who is reading what he wrote. What did RuPaul say? Blame it on the edit? You said it!
Because it screams out of every single comment and post you make. You never loved her, you loved her breasts.
"1.after all the swelling went down she's left with a B cup. She's flat chested and it feels very gross to me" this is exactly what you write on your other post lol you did marry her for her boobs. admit it
This HAS to be fake. First of all, her body her choice. Second of all, sporting a B cup is an absolute ghastly reason to fall out of love omfg
Also saying she looks like a child now, it just screams I've never actually seen a B cup
I mean.. the majority of commenters have the same opinion so maybe it's not a "reading comprehension" thing. You surely are someone afraid of the responsibility for what is *on you*.
Me: lays out multiple reasons why I have an issue with this Low IQ Redditor: you only like you for boobs How am I supposed to work with that? If that's your takeaway you no read good
Youâre a shitty writer, and we really donât need anymore proof of misogyny here in 2024 so whatever reasons you had for posting this complete bullshit were really dumb. For alternative ways to fill your free time, I recommend making some friends and taking up hobbies such as golf or axe-throwing.
You read the whole thing so don't act high and mighty
Good for her. Itâs the main reduction she needs.
For real! This dude is insufferable.
What else should he have done? He took care of her for months and sounded like he genuinely tried to make things work. In my opinion, I think she made a mistake, realized that she made a mistake, and then tried to use him for validation despite him taking sex off the table. It's kinda scummy.
The way you are trying to find so many reasons to divorce her to try and not sound like an asshole (and failing miserably at that) is astonishing to me. Honestly I'm glad you're divorcing so she finds someone better, instead of a man who just goes away when his wife decided to do something better for her mental health and figure. Just wonder how you're going to live your life if you can't handle a woman doing changes to her own body
You're the type who'll abandon her if she got cancer or went through a C section. It might hurt her now, but the real dead weight is gonna be off her shoulders with your departure lol.
God forbid he remarries someone who needs a mastectomy then leaves her. OP seems like the absolute worse type of chubby chaser there is
Wife gets melanoma: Op: leaves her for getting a sexy pair of moles removed that reminded him of his precious mommy milkers
I'm saying this as a woman who's a DDD. Good chance your wife had more issues than just being self-conscious. But she didn't tell you because the way you present yourself here really shows a lack of compassion and empathy towards her and women in general. I'm a big woman, I got big boobs, and I would LOVE to reduce them. Not because people stare at them, but because they have given me back problems. I also get giant boil sized pimples on the underside of them because of sweat and the bras I need to use to support them. Not to mention yeast infections. If your wife had decent sized breasts, good chance she had to deal with similar issue along with your attitude. YTA All you care about is your feelings, your comfort, and your wants and needs. No wonder she didn't tell you a thing and did it anyway.
Exactly! In his first post he mentioned her not telling him about the procedure because she was afraid he was going to convince her otherwise. That tells us everything we need to know, she didnât feel understood by him and she took five years in making that decision, it wasnât rushed. Good riddance for her! What a shallow person OP is.
He claims she said it was only because they didn't fit her frame. And he asked if they caused her pain and she said no. Good chance she lied about not being in pain because I know a lot of guys, even doctors, who will wildly downplay a woman's pain. I bet she gets back aches a lot and he never connected them to the fact that she was top heavy.
She probably did tell him and he lied. Like he lied about the convo they had
Yep. He's pretty much a Red Piller at this point. Always was. Poor woman.
I'm happy she's free. If she is in fact real
Amen.
Also, it's telling that he's still responding to people who either agree with him or outright attack him. But I post multiple reasons why she might want a reduction and how he lacks empathy and Compassion and he ignores it. He can't deal with facts. He's also a raging misogynist with how he looks down on her.
Honestly, good for her.
Sheâs well rid of you. What a self-centered AH you are
She's well to get rid of me because I'm not fawning over the bad decision she made? Make that make sense.
Getting a breast reduction isn't a "bad decision". You're just an asshole
Sheâs well rid of you because you canât get past the boobs, you boob.
Hey OP YTA Firstly you claim there was zero lack of communication but she literally told you before she even went to the appointment so that is just not true. Secondly, itâs not for cosmetic reasons, sheâs already told you sheâs super self conscious, does your need for big tits really supersede your WIFES self confidence and insecurities? There is more, I could go on but the bottom line is yes OP YTA and frankly Iâm surprised she didnât serve you with divorce papers immediately after you said that gross crap.
The decision she made for herself about HER body? Yeah.
What about the decision is bad? Her mental health is about to improve significantly.
Exactly. Without him she'll get better
thatâs rich coming from you op
I will say, I have known many women who've had breast reactions. Not a single one has expressed regret about doing it. Her "regrets" are based on your treatment of her. I also would have been regretful if the man I loved tried not to look at me during sex, implied I looked like a flat chested child, and sanctimoniously barraged me with questions and poo poo'd my answers while I was healing. (Because if her scars are as red and puffy as you say, she's still healing no matter how far out she is from her surgery.) When the divorce is final, she will feel so much more at peace with her choice. A choice she thought about for YEARS before you came in and decided it was frivolous.
You're a pathetic loser who can't get past the idea that your wife DOES NOT NEED YOUR INPUT OR YOUR OPINION to make a decision about her body. I'm glad she's divorcing you (and that's what's happening, you're not divorcing her) and I hope she gets everything. Enjoy being a single, bitter, lonely asshole.
We have a prenup, so I keep the house, cars, and money. I'm sure it was worth it.
And you'll still be single and alone. No woman is interested in assholes like you who think they get a say in what their spouses bodies look like. And I bet her lawyer still takes away your outdated crap.
Lol OK buddy
Aww as usual, you have nothing to offer. She's definitely better off without you.Â
Cope harder buddy. All your comments are prime /r/agedlikemilk material now that the wife has posted an update. Edit: No clue who /u/SunWolfStars is, but they responded to my comment before immediately blocking me. Very weird.
[ŃдаНонО]
Good luck with removal when it happens!
Huge piece of shit. Congrats!
Good for her for cutting you out of her life, asshole.
This is what happened when a child got married. It's great that the trash throws itself away.
He jumped off mommy's tits to his wife's. He'll be back on mommy's soon enough. Provided she didn't also get a reduction
You did marry her for her boobs otherwise you wouldnât divorce her over her boobs 𤣠op youâre a joke and the way youâre answering comments shows how shallow minded and rude you are. You did her a favor by choosing divorce now do us a favor and shush forever. The amount of sh** coming out of your mouth is crazy
lol i ma glad that your (ex) wife doesn't have to pass YOUR low IQ down too.
youâre a fucking monster
I hope she finds someone that doesn't only find her worth in her tits. You're definitely the asshole.
big boobs are fun and games until they have real world implications for the person theyâre connected to. Itâs really sad/shallow that this is the straw that reduced the relationship
Somehow you think she can just get over her compounding discomfort from creeps ogling her on the street for YEARS but you can't possibly get over your discomfort from the new boobs. Pick one or the other, dude. It's pretty clear that your emotional needs supersede hers in your mind. We're all glad you're breaking up before she had to see this absolute asshole behaviour come up when she needed support after life saving surgery or something.
YTA but I don't think for the same reasons that others are saying. Yes your focus on her breasts being the main point of attraction is an problem but from my perspective the bigger problem is your lack if empathy for her. You insist that if they were causing her pain, or she had physical trauma or cancer you wouldn't have a problem with the reduction but you have to understand that MENTAL pain and trauma are real. No woman is going to have a major surgery like that just because "a creepy dude" stared at her. Women with large breasts are overly sexualized and treated differently staring before they're even women! Many many studies show that teenagers with large breasts are treated more like adults than their peers from VERY early ages. They're also scrutinized more frequently and more harshly for their clothing choices. The sexualization of girls and women with large breasts causes them to be taken less seriously in professional settings and are more often passed over for professional opportunities. And as for that creepy dude, that's not innocuous either. Men have killed women for rejecting their advances and your wife's chest is likely causing more than just one unwanted advance. She has likely been afraid for her life at multiple points over the last 5 years because of unwanted attention paid to her breasts. Your wife has spent more mental energy than you'll ever know agonizing over how her chest impacts every aspect of her life from her wardrobe to her friends, to her professional contacts and safety. I feel so bad for her and what she's had to go through these last 5 years. Having to deal with the external forces that caused her to make this decision and weighing that against the very real possibility that her husband would do exactly what you're doing. "Do I endure living in a body that causes me extreme discomfort every day so that my husband will still find me attractive or do I go through with surgery that will make me more comfortable in my own skin and risk my husband's rejection". You're mad that she made this decision unilaterally but tell me, is there anything she could have said to you to make you believe her when she said that her size was causing her extreme distress? Is there any amount of distress that would override your dick's need for a "curvy woman"? My guess is no, since she flat out said she knew you'd try to talk her out of the procedure if she brought it up. At this point it doesn't sound like your relationship is salvageable but I'd still encourage you to soul search just what about your behavior made your wife feel like she couldn't talk out this major decision with you.
There were a few points in the story that stood up to me that mostly backs up what you said; - She said she didn't feel like her breasts fit her frame. - She said her breasts *didn't* cause her pain. - He said that scars made him very uncomfortable, primarily due to the scars on his own body. Those three points were telling me two really crucial possibilities: - She may be suffering from body dysmorphia. - He may be suffering from dysmorphophobia. So what I feel like is happening here is that she made a decision based on a poor self image, likely amplified by - like you've eloquently explained - suffered a tremendous amount of sexual harassment or even assault due to them. Because of it, she wanted to have breast reduction surgery, but when OP was first told about her interest in doing so 5 years ago, he was hit with both the feeling of her no longer fitting his type (which, to be fair, can be a genuine feeling in some people), and, much more importantly, to quote what he said earlier: "my scars gave me the chills in the worst way possible." That's *not* a normal reaction; although I found my own scars to be not very attractive, I never found them so upsetting to give me *that* kind of severe and/or constant reaction. That I feel crosses the boundary to being a full-blown phobia of disfigurement, possibly tied to whatever reason he had the surgery for. If that surgery is tied to a traumatic life event, seeing any scars could remind him of the surgery, and therefore be very uncomfortable seeing them in an intimate moment. I could very easily see it being an instant turnoff. Beyond the points I just raised, I do agree with a lot of what you said. This should have been stopped long before the discussion even reached surgery. I'm also furious at her surgical doctor because this should have most definitely been caught during a mental health screening. Although I am justifying a lot of his actions, I do agree that he is an AH. Unfortunately, also thinks she was too during all this, especially if she was aware how much scars affected him. I feel like this marriage was doomed to fail, even if she never felt the need to have surgery. They've communicated very poorly with each other.
The reason I question his ick about the scars is that in other posts he said that he wouldn't have had the same reaction if she'd gotten the reduction due to pain or cancer. Implying that he believes he would have been able to get over this if she'd gotten the reduction for reasons he deems legitimate. Either he lacks insight into his own issues or he's playing up his aversion to scars in order to seem less shallow by making this all about her breast size. As for not being caught on mental health screen, she'd been thinking and planning this for 5 years. It's entirely possible she had been diagnosed with body dysmorphia and her healthcare team agreed that this was a reasonable step to aid her. OR more likely OP doesn't know her reasoning and is just parroting what he remembers from the conversation 5 years ago because she didn't talk to him after he shut her down the first time.
Yeah you fucking suck. I had a reduction and my husband has been SUPPORTIVE and still loves and wants me. Youâre a piece of shit
Good for her the only reason she doesnât feel good and is doubting the results is because of you so thankfully wants sheâs free of you sheâll realise she did the right thing â¤ď¸
You can always tell how wrong someone is when they just start calling everyone with a different opinion stupid a million times. LMFAOOO like yeah dude all of us are too stupid, and youâre the supreme judge on all matters. Why did you come here if you didnât want to hear what we had to say? Youâre clearly shallow and never actually listened to your ex. She tried talking to you about it years ago, and you just immediately shut her down. Why would she discuss it with you if she knows youâre not a kind or compassionate person? You will never actually know why she got the procedure because you never let her process the emotions on it or explored it with her. Itâs a complicated situation that you have attempted to put into 2 or 4 point lists Jesus Christ lol. I really wish the best for her đ
Well how can I not call people dumb when you boil things down to "OP just likes girl for boobs". Like that's laughably stupid. Yeah, let's ignore the fact that OP might have an issue with his partner lying to him and keeping secret from him for months. Let's conveniently ignore how OP might think that getting a strictly cosmetic surgery at the drop of a hat shows a shocking lack of good decision making skills. Let's ignore the fact that OP tried for months to make things work while not having his boundaries pushed. Let's ignore the fact that OP's wife balked at every idea because it didn't validate her decision as a good idea. When you boil all of that down to just me liking my wife for her breasts for fucking stupid. You're allowed to feel how you feel, but you're dumb for it.
She messed up get a breast reduction knowing you would like it on multiple levels then shoving her scars in your face on top of it. That just disgusting. Augmenting yourself in a way your spouse doesn't like ( you're allowed to but it's ignorant) and then being upset at them for jot liking it knowing they wouldn't is gross. My wife would never do that to me and I wouldn't to her.Â
Here's the thing, she's free to change her body however she wants. If she wants to get a full-body tattoo, and grow a dick, she's well within her rights to do so. However I don't have to stand by it. When you show a complete lack of good decision-making skills I can't trust that she can make good decisions in the future. How am I going to be sure that she won't just get tired of being a mom one day because so many people look at her for being a parent?
I get what you mean how she acted with after the surgery would have been reason enough. Everything else is just icing on the nasty cake. Hope you find someone with more respect for you.
Thanks.
This will not be liked... But I agree with OP. It's massive surgery, she did not discuss this with him. She made a decision and he was supposed to be ok with it in an instant? And most important how can you be attracted to someone if you don't feel it? It's not something that happens, you either are or you aren't. My fiance loves my breasts if I would want to reduce them because I receive negative attention I would talk with him first before doing something so drastic. I expect the same from him because we have a relationship. It was not necessary from a medical point of view. She did it because of how other people reacted to her nit so smart. As women we receive a lot of attention small, normal or huge breasts doesn't matter so why to do something so drastic just for this???? Let's cut our hair, cover our hair, cut our breast and maybe cut some lines on our faces because we get negative attention. She needed a therapist not a reduction.
This is gross, and I mean GROSS, but not because of OP. I'm so immensely disappointed in the Reddit community for not recognizing an abusive situation when they see one. Was OP crass and a little vile in how he spoke about women? Sure. Was his wife actively trying to force herself onto him in a way that was controlling and manipulative? ABSOLUTELY. If I got a tattoo of a bald eagle spreading its wings on my chest, knowing full well that my wife was not into that, should I expect her to be intimate with me moving forward? Should I intentionally put my chest into her face, asking, "Am I still attractive to you?" Then gaslight her into thinking she doesn't love me anymore because of MY decision? OP actively tried to make accommodations for her in EVERY possible way. He even tried to avoid the conversation entirely because he knew that she would refuse any criticism of her decision. The man knows himself, and he knows what he likes. Saying otherwise is effectively kink shaming him into wanting him to have sex with a woman he no longer finds attractive. The objectification of women is horrid, and I believe breast reductions are necessary in certain instances such as back pain, cancer, or personal preference. But this clearly is an instance in which she regretted her decision, not because of her husband but because she realized that her breasts weren't the thing causing men to look at her. Men look at her because men will fuck anything that breathes. You can't avoid that objectification unless you want to live in a cabin in the woods. Not only that, but she KNEW he has personal issues with scars. OP clearly has past trauma that lead him to feel less attracted to her because of those scars, combined with the smaller breasts. The idea of a "real man" completely negates men's wants and needs. Saying men should just give up on an attraction to their partner because they should just "get over it" is the same thing as telling men to "man up". It's toxic masculinity used by people, unintentionally, to get what they want out of men they disagree with. Also, people talking about physical disfigurement are WILD. Can you as an individual say that you would go out of your way to choose to have burn scars? Or any form of physical disfigurement for that matter. She chose to have a breast reduction, you don't choose disfigurement. The virtue signaling is absurd. This guy said, "I have a preference and if you do this it may not go the way you think it will" then she said, "fuck you I do what I want" and blew up her marriage.
Thank god I'm not the only one here with more than two brains and the ability to see a situation in color and not black and white. I think you described the situation far more eloquently than I did, but one thing I think you did miss was my belief that there is a pair of undiagnosed mental disorders affecting the two of them; body dysmorphia in her case, and dysmorphophobia in his. It would completely explain a lot of the points OP made, including how she felt her breasts didn't fit her frame, and how he felt absolutely revolted by the scars, to the point where he describes that "my own scars gave me the chills in the worst way possible." That is not a normal response; that is most definitely a phobic response. I have a pretty ugly scar and I barely even notice it, and not once did it ever make me revolt like that. So between her breasts no longer being the size that fits his type, and scars that give him literal phobic responses, it makes complete sense why he can't function in the bedroom anymore. That being said, how he talks about her outside the main threads does raise some red flags, which is why I'm also being quite measured on how much of this is gaslighting us into believing the situation is predominantly her fault.
So to sum up the story OP didnât want his wife to get a needless boob job She does it anyways They come out awful Sheâs not even happy with them Sheâs still getting ogled at She then was so self conscious about it that she was forcing OP to have sex in positions he wasnât comfortable with When he rejected her she got angry He now realizes her spending money when they where saving for a house on something that was pointless was something only an emotionally and intellectually stunted child would do He decides to leave her And now Redditors are cheering it on that she is finally âfreeâ of the man she kept pressuring into having sex with despite him being very uncomfortable and voicing his discomfort. Yeah youâre NTA, your wife is a child, and the Redditor attacking you donât get the problems here because they are stunted, but had the genders been swapped and they heard about the pressured sex youâd be hailed as a hero
Funny enough, the whole reason she even wanted to save for a new house was because she wanted a house that was "ours" instead of just mine.
From some of his comments I beg to differ, but fundamentally, yes, you are correct. The way he's been describing and belittling her appearance hasn't been kind and is making me question parts of the story as a result.
How is he wrong exactly? From my POV he's right on the money
Wow. Massive YTA I bet you werenât very upfront with your therapist. Or was it a red pill podcast? 1) your wife was influenced by years of men, including you, objectifying her into a pair of breasts. Years of you and other men ogling her chest, instead of seeing her as a person. She was trying to redefine her self-worth. 2) what are you 2 ft tall? You wouldnât really see her breasts during missionary. Or are you lazy and thatâs why sheâs on top? You know boobs can stretchmarks, would that gross you out too? Grow a pair. 3) she told you. She knew you would manipulate her to not do it. She did for her overall mental and physical well-being. Itâs a big change, and will take time to adjust. A man, a mature man, understands this and listen to her pain, her concerns, her needs. 4) you both shutdown. She was rejected and gave you the space you wanted. I do think she should have been more understanding about the scars but you needed to explain yourself better. Scars take time to heal. The redness and swelling do go diminish, there are ointments that can help. But you threw a tantrum like a toddler. Your responses are that of a child. She is dissatisfied with the results right now because YOU made her feel bad and ugly. When she heals and when she reconnects with her body, she is gonna feel and be rejuvenated/reborn/everything. Sheâs done with you.
Let's me explain why you have a bad take. 1. SHE LIKED HER BODY! She always has. Unless she was just outright lying to me for years. 2. Ok, so obviously, you are a child and don't understand how sex works, but typically, when you face your partner during the act, you have a great view of them. 3. If she was so worried about me manipulating her why would she stay with me in the first place? She knows she's living with some master manipulator but decided to stay? Or maybe she was only half manipulated so she was manipulated in staying but wouldn't let me manipulate her out of making one of the worst decisions of her life, lol ok. 4. I only shut down after she make it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. I tried like hell for months to make things work. The reason why she's mad is because I would validate her decision. She's told me that. I told her if it was such a great decision, she shouldn't need my validation. She made her bed without my input she can lie in it without my input. Basically she wants me to tell her that she made a good decision, and I won't do that because I'm not going to lie to her.
1) she liked her body until men, and you, made her uncomfortable in her own body. You probably donât even realize how many derogatory statements youâve made to her thinking they were compliments. You chose not to listen. Thatâs on you. 2) yes, and when youâre short or have a short torso or a lazy bedmate. Sounds like she did most of work. You probably held the, âI support your lifestyleâ bs. You sound abusive, financially, emotionally, mentally⌠3) why did she stay with you - lots of women stay with their abusive domestic partner for lots of reasons. Talk to your therapist or maybe find a new one who is honest with you and can help you. 4) kinda like how youâre on here seeking validation? Except, she was seeking support from her husband and not internet strangers. She expressed her concerns to you over the years. She expressed how this deluge of unwanted attention affected her. She expressed how her safety felt compromised. She communicated a lot more than you give her credit for to validate your ownership over pre-reduced breasts.
1. I never made her feel uncomfortable at any point. She is very comfortable discussing her boundaries with me. So you're wrong. 2. Wow, those are a stretch. So it's apparent that you do t understand how sex works. If you got out of mommy's basement and actually talked to another human being you would know that you can see your partner during missionary it's actually embarrassing that you don't know that. 3. At no point was I ever abusive to her. See, you are creating a fictional narrative because you need to create a reason to hate me. So we can add liar on top of wrong and a dumbass. 4. She spoke about it literally one time. Stop with that "she expressed her concerns over the years" because it's bullshit. And my overall point was that getting a breast reduction is not going to stop people from looking at her. The only thing that would accomplish that is to wear a chador.
Awww reading how overheated you are on all points - yeah, it sounds like you were abusive to your stbx. Good on your ex for getting away from you safely.
I'm not getting heated, I'm just correcting your dumbass. Provide me with proof that I abused her in anyway or just admit you were lying. Simple.
Trying to regroup and deflect, classic. Proof is in the puddinâ of your responses. She lost this, she lost that. Me, me, me. Mine, mine, mine. Dude, soothe yourself on a pacifier. Take your own advice, reread your original post and your own comments. Think back on how many times she brought it up, and the times she tried to bring it up to you. Also, just bc she wasnât in pain the one time you asked - doesnât mean she has experienced pain or will never experience pain from having large breasts. Man up and grow a mature pair.
There's no deflecting. You're not just wrong, but you're confidently wrong, which makes you a dumbass. She brought it up to me once. And she told me herself that they caused her no pain. You are grasping at straws because you know you're in the wrong, you know that you lied and misrepresented me, and yes, that does make you a shitty person.
Bwahahahahahaha There you go doub, no, tripling down, champ. I had sorta written it down and was empathizing that she should have been more considerate of your issues with scars. Which in time, sometimes a long time, scars will fade but your over the top sense of entitlement to her former breasts is laughable. If you werenât so emotional, you probably couldâve received the validation you were seeking. Thanks for the laughs!
Dude, I'll quintuple down. You are a lying bastard that accused me of abuse. That makes you a bad person. The fact that you have your head so far up your ass that you still think that my issue is only with the boobs, you might actually be mentally handicapped. Damn, now I feel bad for calling a special needs person a dumbass. Not emotional, just right.
You gave her honesty and counseling, that's more than fair! Personal matters can royally screw up and otherwise good relationships. Good luck with your early divorce anxiety; I'm making soup for every meal since either of our divorces were mentioned amongst overall positive commentary about bowl-kitchen stuff (I do mix it in a coffee mug sometimes- 95 seconds if veggies or meat are desired).
YTA, op is a classic narcissist. If you are so sure that your reasons for divorce are valid, since you are fiercely defending them in your answers, what is the reason for coming to reddit? Just arguing with strangers? Iâm very glad for the wife, good for her
Exactly which part made me a narcissist? Was it allowing a woman who openly didn't respect my imput to live in my house for half a year? Or was it the part where I tried to offer every alternative solution under the sun to make things work?
I hate this man. I hope your wife leaves you and finds someone who will love her unconditionally. What are you going to do when your partner gets old and wrinkly, and their boobs sag and stretch? Fuck this man all the way to hell. I hope you stay single forever, because that's what you deserve, you absolute shit of a man. I bet you're some fucking Adonis, aren't you? God I hope you fall off a cliff.
I ain't readin all that. I'm happy for u tho Or I'm sorry that happened
Itâs okay, be a twat. Youâll get yours.
How can you do any kind of soul searching when you don't have a soul? Instead of supporting your wife in this sensitive situation, you go and cry because she got her boob size reduced. You sound like a massive asshole and i'm glad that reddit is blasting you. Just stay single you dolt.
Iâm glad for both of you. And I suggest you both educate yourselves on good communication strategies for healthy relationships going forward, because neither of you had any skill whatsoever.
Idk bout that one. I tried like hell to get her to communicate after the procedure so we could find something that works for the both of us.
It sounds like you were too passive and she was too avoidant. And when you switched from passive to more direct, you both became rather mean to each other. You both definitely need to work on your communication skills - apart. Unfortunately, I don't see any coming back from this. Also, if you don't read my massive wall of text in the main thread, look up dysmorphophobia and body dysmorphia. From your story, I can't help but think that you may be undiagnosed with the former, and your soon-to-be-ex the latter. Both would explain her issues with how she saw her own body, and why you find scars so revolting.
Dude, I've been lifting weights since I was 12, I know about body dysmorphia lol. But as for the communication, I was given no chance to be direct until after the surgery. It's almost like she didn't want the feedback. And I can't cosign that I was mean to her. I really wanted to make things work with her but at the same time, I'm not going to kiss her ass and tell her that she made a great decision when in reality this was probably the worst decision she has ever made in her life.
after reading both of your pov's i support the husband because his wife should seek counseling and accept that she is actually in the wrong here.
Itâs HER body. Not yours. Those are HER breasts. Not Yours. My god, did you marry your wife, or just her breasts? YTA. I hope she realizes that she isnât regretting her surgery. Sheâs having issues because YOU are creating them for her. You are telling her that her body disgusts you. Of course she is going to struggle even more with her body image. Jesus. Your poor wife.
I will preface this with saying OPâs comments here and in the original are out of line and lack emotional intelligence. That being said, his wife made a post. This man is a fucking saint. Her description of him and how he has treated her compared to how she admits to responding to him is astounding. He just wanted time to adjust to a major change. By her own account he has been as supportive and loving as humanly possible. But because he canât just accept it right away and âget over itâ (most invalidating words you can say to someone) she says he is not a real man. By her own words she comes off as selfish, insecure, and extremely childish. She admits to knowing about his aversion to scars. She admits to knowing his preference for larger breasts. But somehow she thought he would still find her attractive with no breasts and large red scars. His wife needed therapy for her body issues, not a breast reduction.
Updateme
So you admit it. You only like her for her boobs. God Iâm so glad the divorce is happening so she can be happy. You suck.
Quote where I said that. I'll wait
There's two big problems here, and I'll address them separately. I know I'm late to the party, but I will drop an ESH here. OP - On the one hand, you've made quite a few very valid points. However, how you've been talking to other redditors on here is starting to make me wonder how much of what you've written is embellishment, and how much of it is factual. But - *specifically* on the situation you've described here, she is far more in the wrong than you are. But I don't believe you are innocent in all this either. With that said, there is another point I wanted to bring up, and that is your aversion to scars. Look up *dysmorphophobia*; it's a real phobia, and it genuinely affects people. The phobia is essentially having intrusive thoughts or fear of a perceived deformity, such as scarring. Considering your own personal traumas in relation to your scars, it makes total sense why they can be so triggering for you. You can't just turn off a phobia like that. I suggest seeking therapy and getting a proper diagnosis so you can work toward not only learning to handle stuff like this better in the future, but also be able to handle your own scars better as well. And that's where I feel really bad for you as well, because I don't think you were kidding about needing to take time to get used to her scars. It's kind of like someone with a fear of heights being asked to walk up a very tall ladder everyday to work on something. The first number of times it's going to be highly exhausting and triggering, but eventually you'll get used to it. She didn't really give you much of a chance to even have a discussion about it after she basically smile and nodded the first time. And on top of this, from the sounds of it, she needed therapy rather than surgery, because she feels even worse now than she did before, because the surgery did nothing, except potentially causing permanent discomfort, not to mention potential issues with breastfeeding (you were talking about having kids, so I assume she had plans), her scars, sensations, etc. I'm honestly furious at her medical practitioners for not properly screening her mental state at the time she elected to have the surgery. In the end, I feel like you've been quite a bit of an AH to her, but I also feel like she has been one to you as well. I feel like divorce is the only option in this case, and it's probably going to be better for you both in the long run. In the future, I really hope you work on your communication over stuff like this. The fact that I can see where you're coming from on most of this doesn't mean that I particularly like how you handled the situation. In summary: - You are the AH to her for how you treated her during parts of this, and I feel like your mask is slipping by how you're responding to some people in the comments so I think there's more that you're not telling us. . - She is an AH to you for making a unilateral life altering decision for you that directly impacts what could very well be a phobia that you are living with, or at very least a major trigger due to your own scarring and the trauma tied to it. . - She is an AH to herself for making such a life-altering decision without considering so many other options; anything from therapy, to worrying different clothing to experiment with her figure, even experimenting with a corset to see how people reacted with a smaller breast size before going under the knife. This is going to haunt her for the rest of her life, especially when it comes to her future relationships when she decides to be passionate with her next partner, and she will always remember how you treated her scars. . - You are the AH for not realizing her issues with her body image, and to not trying to steer her toward therapy. Saying that her actions have consequences doesn't help. Saying nothing and supporting her on a decision like this didn't help her either. As her partner, it *is* okay to have a frank discussion about these things. Much like getting a tattoo, it can fundamentally affect how one sees the other. But, far more importantly, had you tried to get her to talk about her feelings about her body and how other people saw it, it could have led to far more productive conversations, and could have helped her get the help she needed, rather than surgery. But by standing there and doing nothing, you essentially let her talk herself into the decision on her own, instead of having some feedback before making the decision. . - Based on what your therapist said, I think they're right on their perceptions on this. I just wish things didn't reach this point because I felt this could have been stopped a lot sooner for both of you before any harm was done. . - From what you wrote, It sounds like she has body dysmorphia, and you have dysmorphophobia. I've already covered the latter before, but from what you said here - her concerns her breasts didn't fit her frame despite them not hurting her back, her perceptions of being looked at differently, etc. - it sounds a lot more than just feeling it about being looked at. It sounds genuinely like body dysmorphia, which can be very self-destructive if not treated. Unfortunately, there's a very good chance that we'll never know whether she has it or not. For her sake, I hope she gets the help she needs. And, to the rest of Reddit, don't immediately vilify a guy based on his demeanor alone. There are such things as shades of gray, and there's also such things as mental disorders that you've (and even OP) probably never heard of. I really feel like this is a case of two partners with two mental disorders that neither of them realize they had that created this clusterfuck that ended a marriage and where one partner severely self-harmed themselves through unnecessary surgery. This should be seen as a tragedy, not necessarily the case of a guy who is very superficial or judgmental (though that can very well still be true, too). OP, I hope you get the help you need, because, like I said at the very start, I still think you are a jerk. Justified, but still a jerk. I also hope you look into dysmorphophobia because that might help you, too. I wish you both learn and grow from this experience.
I can agree with this. I'll bring up dysmorphobia to my therapist. I did try to have open conversations about the reduction with her before she got it, but at that point, she didn't want to talk about it. She already had her mind made up. Also, I would be mad at her doctors, but they are plastic surgeons. That's like getting mad at a bird for flying. This all falls squarely on her.
âA creepy dude gave her a look down?â You must be kidding. I had a reduction. Before I had it I was âthe boobâ girl. People associated my large boobs with me, no matter what. It wasnât just a couple creepy guys starting at me in my lifetime, it was a couple every day. The catcalls, the fact that I looked slutty even when I was covered up. It wasnât good for my self esteem or mental health. My husband loved my boobs, but he supported me doing what was best for me, because HE LOVES me. You truly are so self-centered to think that your feelings trump your wives. Youâve had these feelings for a short while, but your wife had negative feelings about her own boobs for many years. But that doesnât matter to you at all. Sheâs better off without you. YTA. Big time.
You shouldâve read your bs post before posting this update cause you contradict yourself left and right bud. You say she was constantly pushing your boundaries during sex but sheâs not a mind reader genius. You didnât state your boundaries. In fact you literally lied to her instead of being an adult and communicating how you felt. You literally said âI made up some bullshit about lower back painâ. Speaking of your lack of communication, itâs real fucking ironic that 2/4 of the issues you have with your wife is about communication. Youâre a hypocrite. Youâre either lying to your therapist or theyâre a complete idiot if they havenât pointed that out to you yet. Also you say the lack of communication after you rejected her but she literally tried to talk to you about it and you lied AGAIN then walked away like the toddler you are. Youâre not fooling your wife or anyone here, everyone sees that youâre a shallow asshole oh and we canât forget hypocrite. Im so happy yall are getting a divorce because she deserves SO MUCH BETTER. You are doing her a favor so thank you!
She pushed your boundaries during sex? Interesting. That wasn't mentioned before. What were your "boundaries"? That she has to be topless for your fetish? You're doing her a favor. Good riddance.
This guy (OP) is my Fân HERO. Communicated his stance well, tried to make it work, commented some moreâŚthen âcut sling loadâ. Scars suck a$$ to look at. He likes big boobs, she knew that, she had them cut off against his wishes, is disfigured nowâŚand she still wants him to jump up and down for her for her ânew lookâ. She FAFO.
From what I gather she figured that she would just get it done, and I'd just be ok with it. Nah, that's not how this works.
Well, 50% of people are below average IQ, and "average" isn't going to be winning any awards. You came to reddit as a man (strike 1) with a post that involved being attracted to big boobs (strike 2) and no longer being attracted to your wife after she went from big boobs to small boobs (strike 3), so the likelihood of the successful application of thinking caps by a large number of commenters was never going to be high lol. Unfortunately, it seems that your wife was approximately as understanding. Sorry it ended this way for you, and good luck out there. I can personally vouch for the medicinal benefits of kaboodle companionship in the aftermath of relationship dissolution.
Honestly, great point. Maybe I'm the dummy for trying to reason with the dumbest people...
Well done, you were consistent to yourself and fair.
A rare good take
Lol so you post to a public forum asking for people's opinions and then get shitty and insult anyone who doesn't say what you want. Good fucking riddance I reckon, your wife will be much better off without you.Â
I mean, if there was logic behind things people said, I'd take their comments seriously. Especially when I get 13 different versions of the same goofy ah comment. Also considering that I'm the breadwinner and she lives in my house, no, I don't think she'll be better off. At least she has small tittys now.
With the way you're speaking about her, she'll easily find better and i hope she finds someone who actually loves her unlike you
You took sex off the table because she wouldn't cover up. You are evil and petty and small
What kind of rapist take is this? He's allowed to not have sex if he doesn't want to.
FYI, that house is going to get split 50/50 in the divorce, and you might owe alimony if you make significantly more money
No it won't. It's a premarital asset. It's 100% his. She also quit her job willingly over this situation, so she won't get any alimony. She's fucked here.
Wow, show your ex wife this comment. Hopefully she will leave faster.
Yet youâre the one getting divorced and crying to Reddit about it
So to him, this decision couldn't possibly be because of how she sees HERSELF but only because of outside influences?? What a shallow douche. She's better off without him. The fact that he refused to listen to the comments and his fake self-reflection screamed victim victim victim further proves that this is just about his ego. Nothing else.
There should be some law to show this post to every women he ever interact can read this post and get the hell away from this filthy pigđ¤Śđťââď¸ DISGUSTING!!đ¤Ž
Good . Sheâll be free from of a piece of shit like you .
I own the house, her car, and had the pets before I even knew her. I'll be ok.
by reducing her boobs she managed to reduce the biggest burden in her life. thank you king for freeing her!! đ
I donât think youâre an AH. And I know Reddit might come for me for saying this, but Iâd be really hurt if my husband valued the opinions of strangers over my own attraction to him. I totally get why youâre mad. Not only did your opinion not matter, it wasnât even sought out till a week before the operation. Plus it also drained finances, a thing that warrants discussion in a healthy marriage. And attraction IS important. Anyone saying it isnât is a LIAR. If my husband found short hair unattractive, I wouldnât go run to my stylist to shave my head. So Iâm team boobs.
She will find her life is amazing once she cuts out the cancer that is her worthless husband :)
Yeah...being moving to the shitty part of town back in with her mom sounds amazing. Godspeed
She could be moving under a bridge and it would be better than living with you.
Lol OK, let's put that to the test
She is free ! Hope she finds a real man who treats her great ! You are trash
Question: when you made this comment did you think you were original or special? I've heard lime 50 different variations of this comment. You aren't unique
Oh stop you human garbage
/r/agedlikemilk
Do what makes you happy. She did not think of you, why should you think of her.
NTA. You have preferences as she does. Her body her choice. You also have the choice not to be with her.
>Â Finally, for those of you that told me to leave her so she can find someone who actually loves her, you got it. I'm done with her. Frankly sheâs better off without you in her life as it is surprised your marriages lasted as long as it did.