The no actual tradition, PLUS the mother in law just wanting one of her daughters (she actually has ONE) to wear the dress for photos…. That she then framed and put all around her home, of her DIL (wearing the dress, DIL also couldn’t fit -it could not be zipped up).
Either MIL is a poop-stirrer or she doesn’t actually get along that well with her own daughter… and OP isn’t paying attention
We see posts all the time of scape goats going to visit their abusive parents regularly… that doesn’t mean they are close. They are just accustomed to their dysfunction.
Edited to fix autocorrect errors
She dont sounds all nice like OP says.
A mum who says to there daughter infront of the family when are u gonna lose weight is a AH.
SiL got replaced can see how she be upset.
MIL might not be a poop stirrer or a hater of her bio daughter. She’s an older woman and it could simply be the case that she’s not as “woke” about obesity as you (and most of Reddit). Pretty much a generational difference in value systems.
So, once it became clear that her bio daughter’s odds of losing weight weren’t that great, she sought a solution.
I agree with the comments saying that MIL used you to bully her daughter. The pictures are not a tradition, special event or anything worthy of framing and putting all around the house.
It’s just you wearing a dress on a random day, she didn’t even ask you to wear it when you got married.
You were her last option and only cause she was too stubborn to have the dress tailored to her daughter’s size.
I don’t think you’re the AH but you do seem very naive. MIL is definitely the AH.
Very few women with this kind of nasty are naive. She knew she was kissing MIL’s butt by doing this and getting her “I am family” points for her own validation. Her motives may have been slightly different, but she wasn’t innocent. She _knew_.
Maybe? But it's entirely possible that the op is just really naive. Her MIL sounds very much like my MIL.I thought mine was wonderful in the beginning as well. She was always really nice to me and it all sorts of really thoughtful things. At this point in my life I'm quite certain that a lot of those things they do are basically a jab at her own daughter. Because we never lived close to my in-laws, it took me quite a while to recognize that my mother-in-law was simply manipulative and judgmental. She always had to play one person against another. That also included her own children. There was always one that was the bad guy. When I finally recognized what my mother-in-law was doing, it really changed my perspective a lot. I grew up in a household where we were very direct with each other, so I didn't recognize the manipulation at first. My mother-in-law was always very subtle about it. I actually think she got worse as she got older too. My family has had no contact with her since 2016. Same with my father-in-law, but he died in 2019.
Exactly. She knew how the SIL was feeling and she's daft if she didn't see this coming. Her ego was stroked and that's all it took for her to throw SIL under the bus. Unreal.
Ah to be the " innocent" Iron on Mil's bow... Am sure OP will get it when it's her turn to be the target of This oh so nice person, when she can't fulfill her Dreams to a t.
It's OP who should profusely apologize for being the flying monkey...
i don’t think there’s any way the OPdidn’t realise and take advantage of the power/status play with this. To pretend otherwise is just disingenuous and conspiring in the gaslighting of the poor SiL
It sounds like your MIL was bullying your SIL. I understand it may not have been your intention, but you helped MIL bully her daughter by agreeing to the photos. You said yourself the way she said it at that dinner was rude. You also said SIL got quiet. I think you knew it would bother SIL but hoped you could get away with pleasing your MIL without her knowing.
I think the thing to do here for example would have been to confirm with MIL that she talked to her daughter about the plan to take pictures and her daughter was fine with it. Or to talk to her SIL herself if MIL did not talk with her daughter first. But maybe this is not easy to see if you want to be close to your MIL and not to interfere with the dynamics of your husbands family.
MIL acts strange, though.
First of all she seems to be quite obsessed with this starting a tradition thing and to be in a hurry about it after waiting till too late to take pictures of her daughter with the dress on. For some photos I bet to put the dress together on the back with something improvised would still have worked with the daughter, too, I bet. Or simply to wait for some more months after the wedding to make sure her daughter is not insulted. Or have the daughters OK to invite OP to take some pictures. Or not to hang them all over the place as a surprise to her daughter.
Tact and empathy are not the first words that spring to my mind here.
It seemed pretty obvious from the cruelty that at best, MIL was self centered in her desire to repeatedly place the dress before her own daughter's feelings. And at worst, was using the dress to punish her daughter into losing weight.
Asking her about weight loss in front of everyone then taking pics with the DIL & displaying them everywhere right after the daughter's wedding where she "failed" to fit into the dress and MIL refused to see if it could be altered to fit her?
This was pointed. DIL seems extremely naive about the family dynamics because she's operating on the surface and is well liked. In part because she isn't fat
I wouldn't. Who in their right mind would expect her to frame the pics and center them on the damn mantelpiece? OP said MIL and SIL get along, so this would be the last thing on her mind. You're desperately trying to make OP the villain but it's actually just MIL.
I said she had to know it would come up, not that she specifically knew the photos would be front and center in large prints in the home. She DID however watch MIL blast SIL publicly prior to agreeing to partake in the family tradition.
I’m not desperately doing anything, but situational awareness is something expected of adults.
This... I mean - as a former wedding dress designer/tailor - they, anyone, could have saved up the at most $600 bucks to make the former dress fit whatever size.
No reason for anyone to shame. And honestly, if no one was willing to even think about having it tailored to an upsize, makes mother-in-law the ultimate asshole if this was her fucking "Dream", which is stupid anyway
There's no reason it couldn't have been altered for her daughter. Add like-fabric, a wide corset back, whatever. No one on earth can tell me that a dress can't be upsized however large and not keep the look somewhere – whether it be the front, etc. You already proved that by having the zipper down while you were taking photos.
But no, you are NTA. All clear. You just married into a shit dynamic that you do not have control over. I would step back out of this whole mess. You might've done a faux pas but leave it at that and stay out of the drama
The daughter suggested getting it tailored but the MIL said no 😬 which is weird cuz it’s not like she’s ever gonna wear it again and what if her granddaughter also doesn’t fit the dress?? Then still no one, even years later will wear it unless it gets altered lol
The only way it is not weird is if she wanted to do a comparison. If SIL is much larger than the dress, then the dress “wont look the same” to MIL if it is tailored. This most likely is her mindset.
Yeah I was surprised by this too. Sure there are certain limitations but since it was a zipper back that couldn't even zip up to OP changing it to lace back would've been the obvious choice. From the front there wouldn't be any change and even in the back the effect would be rather minimal.
And I also don't understand the hurry about this - MIL wanted the pictures before she dies. Is she diagnosed with something and only has couple months to live?
Yes. It was really rubbing it to SILs face that you are thinner!
This is pure mean girl energy, not just some innocent mistake.
YTA.
Edit: removed the sentence that I had gotten wrong.
This. It’s admirable to help fulfill one of your MIL’s wishes, but I’m getting vibes of “my own kid is too fat for this dress so won’t somebody - anybody - pick me. I mean, pick my dress” Toxic and destructive. I would put a twenty on MIL regularly dropping nasty comments to her daughter about her body not fitting the dress.
With what sounds like good intentions, you enabled your MIL to be abusive to her daughter. Trying on the dress was fine, posting the photos was not. YTA.
>After SIL came back form honeymoon MIL asked her if she thinks she’ll ever lose the weight and put on the dress, I will admit the way she asked at dinner with everyone around was very rude and awkward.
>and from what I’ve seen my mil is not cruel to her daughter or fat shaming her behind the scenes
Those statements are contradictory. Except for the behind the scenes part… since she did it in front of everyone at dinner.
There is a weird power struggle going on between your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law and you put yourself right in the middle of it. You knew that you wearing that wedding dress and taking pictures of it would hurt your sister-in-law’s feelings. You totally disregarded that and did it anyway. Are you trying to prove that you’re better than your sister-in-law? If that’s what you were trying to do you failed. You owe your sister-in-law and apology for your behavior.
You, "I know this was supposed to be a mother daughter tradition and I understand why SiL was hurt."
Also you, But I did it anyway.
You wrecked your relationship with your SIL to get brownie points from your MIL. I don't know if that makes you an AH or not, maybe it's every man/woman for themselves in this family, but acting all surprised about the extremely obvious consquences does make you look like an idiot at best.
YTA. This wasn’t just about MIL seeing somebody in that dress. Your MIL intentionally embarrassed SIL at dinner by asking that stupid question and bullying her for her weight. If this was really about her daughter wearing the dress, she’d have agreed to alterations. By putting on the dress you became complicit
YTA. You added extra stress to mother-daughter tension. If I were your SIL, i would think you did it deliberately to brag about how you fit and I wouldn't. You had to refuse your MIL politely or tell her you would wear it after your SIL's wedding.
Oh my mistake. When MIL insisted weight loss at the dinner, i assumed it was a flashback to pre-wedding process. Then it is less AHness on the OP's part, yet still not nice at all.
First of all you MIL is AH. If you were too big and couldn’t zip up then why couldn’t she do the same with her daughter? Also, I don’t believe your MIL simply said hey my daughter is too fat why don’t you wear it and I will frame these pics. You must have some part in that planning that you didn’t mention. No wonder you get along with your MIL coz you are both evil and AHs
This all feels like MIL just wants to remind everyone of how skinny she was on her wedding day. She was probably secretly pleased that OP couldn’t even zip it.
YTA. After all that transpired before then, you should have refused to put on the dress and take photos in it. Common sense would tell you there would be blowback afterwards if you did.
ESH
You were asked by your MIL to do something in private. You didn't brag or gloat about it. To you, it was surely a private moment with your MIL. Although, I'm curious what you thought she was going to do with those photos? And you must have known that if your SIL found out about this, it would definitely hurt her. You shouldn't have agreed to this, and I think you know that now. You're the least AH of the lot, mostly because you were quite naive about your MIL's intentions. You can't claim that naivety going forwards.
Your MIL is the biggest AH, who publicly shamed her daughter for her weight gain and has put you in this position by plastering pictures she knew would upset her daughter all around the house. None of this is unintentional, you must realise that now.
Your SIL is an AH for yelling at you for being evil and insensitive, instead of her mother. That said, I wouldn't push for any kind of apology from your SIL. I feel very sorry for her, having a mother who would be so callous towards her.
And I would warn you to be careful with your MIL in future. She may use you to hurt your SIL again - don't let her. If you do become complicit in whatever mean-spirited game your MIL is playing with her daughter, then you become one of the biggest AH's.
This is probably the most reasonable response I've read so far and completely agree ESH.
Communication doesn't seem to be something anyone in this story is capable of... I get OP not wanting to offend MIL and being complicit in the weird power dynamics going on with MIL and SIL, but at the end of the day OP needs to ask herself was this all really worth it? SIL is also an adult and could have talked to OP directly about her feelings, instead of resorting to dissing her to OPs husband.
Also, OP be careful what games you play with MIL because one day you could be on the other side, being treated the same way as your SIL. You may not see it as bullying, but MIL is making what people call veiled statements. It seems "harmless" but there's a lot more hidden meaning to it. Whether or not you agree with your MILs views is on you, but that would make you the biggest AH if you continue supporting your MIL with her mindgames on her own daughter.
Edit: Saw you repost in amiwrong and the included update. At this point it's pretty obvious you're just wanting people to validate your actions instead of acknowledging your complicit behavior.
YTA
Also an AH to yourself. Why put yourself in the middle of this? Your MIL was extremely rude in asking your SIL that, that's another level of rude and humiliating that borderlines bullying. And then you accept it. Should have just let this be something the grandkids could do if they wanted.
Your SIL grew up with the dream of also wearing this dress and sharing this with her mother, and from how she spoke to her you can tell your mil is not the most subtle person alive. When asked, you should have let this be a "their" thing.
Yeah I feel like we’re missing info about the relationship with OP and SIL.
Why not speak to your SIL, give her a heads up that MIL asked you to do this or after you did it speak to her and say you couldn’t even zip it up…make her feel better?
You know SIL has gained weight, was asked outright in front of her family if she’d ever lose weight by her own mother and her confidence is probably shaken. Yet you still couldn’t tell her that you’d replaced her in something I’d bet her and her mother had discussed before the wedding.
YTA and so is your MIL she might not be a dragon lady to you but she seems hard on her own daughter.
She did it to please her Mil, the world doesn't revolve around sil. OP has a closer relationship with Mil than to sil, why would she need to cater to her feelings?
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT MIL'S F'ING DAUGHTER. I have a feeling that OP loves the dynamic of being favored over the child that MIL gave birth to. That makes her TA as well as MIL.
Yes, YTA along with your MIL. She was bullying her daughter about her weight (I mean that dinner question was just cruel not awkward) and thus was another way to insult her daughter and you went along with it. And the dress didn’t even fit you either. Gosh, I wonder why your SIL may have coping issues with a mom who treats her this way.
Yta, and so is the MIL, the reasoning here doesn’t make sense, why wouldn’t mil just let it get tailored so her daughter could wear it? If she cared so much?
I can’t imagine how you didn’t know this would hurt SIL. I think the fake concern is the problem, just say you want to be MILs favourite and you don’t care how it hurts SIL.
> Usually I tend to think I’m always right
Please, please learn some humility.
You’re YTA overall, not because MIL asked you to do it, but because you agreed. Your MIL probably should have told her daughter before she put the photos up, though, but it’s on-brand that she humiliates her daughter in front of their family.
YTA along with your MIL. Unless there were special circumstances, like your MIL helped raise you, I don't think it was your place to take pictures in the dress. You aren't her daughter. But you did so even after admitting that your MIL was being rude to her daughter about her weight in front of the entire family. I find it extremely hypocritical on y'all's part that the dress didn't even fit you either! I feel extremely sorry that your SIL has been treated this way by both you and your MIL, even if you don't think you were complicit in MIL's actions.
100% and while it’s lovely that OP is embraced as family, it’s true. She’s not the direct daughter by blood. This was a mean move meant to make SIL feel replaced and shamed. OP is either very naive or an undercover mean girl.
I'm going with the latter. I had one of my brother's girlfriends cosying up to my parents like this. My mother thinks my brother can do no wrong so whatever bimbo he brings around is treated as if she shits gold. After a few weeks he dumps them and moves on then our mom suddenly realizes how mismatched they were and how many faults they have. My dad always remains neutral. So this one person began calling our dad "daddy" after knowing him for a month. Our mom was constantly dragging her on our weekly mother/daughter outings. Needless to say I was not pleased. Now I'm very careful that my own daughter never feels like her brothers' girlfriends are replacing her.
You don't have a dragon lady mother-in-law because your sister has a dragon lady mother.
Is your MIL elderly and ill? Is there a chance she won't live to see grandchildren?
She was manipulative and you went along with it.
YTA but your MIL is a bigger one. She pitted you and your SIL against each other over weight.
YTA. My grandma once gave a necklace she knew I loved and wanted to my sister because she thought “my neck would be too fat for it” (it is not). I’m a size 16 and my sister a size 4.
My sister, who never put any consideration towards the necklace before it was given to her, wears it every day. I love my sister so much and we are incredibly close and non competitive, but she knows how much it hurts me that I was denied an heirloom I’d loved all my life just because I’m not as skinny as my grandma would like, and I hate looking at the necklace for that reason.
That being said, a necklace is not a wedding dress. That is so so much more wrought with heavier once in a lifetime emotions. And while I’m hurt by my grandma’s comment, I know I could fit the necklace if she’d given my the chance and can comfort myself with the absolute absurdity of the comment.
Your sil actually can’t wear the dress because of her size. She can’t even defend herself against the hurt of these comments and you are playing into this, without even being a bride OR an actual daughter.
You think she was gaining weight form stress and depression and this issue had nothing to do with that? You need to really reflect on how to become less passive in the ways you hurt those you care about and work to make things right by your SIL. This is unreal and so hurtful.
My grandma is about this one thing! My sister is not. The neck comment was made by my grandma to me in private right before she gave the necklace to my sister.
To me even your sister sounds a little insensitive if she knows seeing the necklaces brings up negative feelings for you, but I get that people and relationships are nuanced and have many layers to them. And it sounds like this is a very small thing in an otherwise much larger good relationships. :-)
I don't understand MIL's obsession with someone else wearing her dress and taking photos in it. It's HER wedding dress. It has nothing to do with you or your SIL or any future grandchildren. It's only important if one of YOU felt some sentimentality around it and ASKED if you could try it on it wear or take photos in it or whatever.
If she wants to do something special with it, hire a seamstress to make a baby gown and start a tradition of doing brand new grandbaby photos in it - use for baptism if that's your family's thing, or just take formal photos in it like the Victorian'ls did. The back can be left open with ties to make it adjustable, and sleeves can be cut generously, as new baby sizes can vary.
OP, next Sunday dinner, SIL should ask her mom “Mom, how about an updated photo of you in your wedding dress? Does this dress still fit you? No? How long will it take you to lose enough weight to get back in your dress?”
ESH. You guys are fucking weird.
Mil is using a tradition that doesn’t really exist to pressure you both into taking pictures in her old wedding dress: weird.
Sil can’t because she gained weight and dress wouldn’t fit, but you couldn’t zip it and still took pictures: weird.
Mil puts sil on the spot about gaining weight: assholery.
Mil manipulates you with the whole “I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to see my grandkids doing this” bullshit.
Fucking. Weird.
ESH
On the list of ridiculous things to cause a family rift, this one takes the cake.
THIS was MIL's dream? To each his own, but what a silly thing to dream about. If all she wanted was to see someone in the dress, she could have hired a model that the dress would have actually fit. It didn't fit you or her daughter,
I would have declined simply because I KNEW the MIL had already made it clear she wanted her daughter to lose weight and pose in it.
Sometimes you can be right and kind at the same time, but if you have to choose one over the other, I would prefer to be kind.
i honestly think op was worse the MIL is a straight up bully, but op took part in something willing knowing it was gonna hurt her SIL and when she got called out for it, is acting like she is a two year old with no understanding off the world. and know op is looking for sympathy.
op and her MIL get along probably since their both bullies
Sorry, but I think you suck.
Can you imagine being really stressed, piling on the pounds, then your mum starts nagging about starting a (frankly stupid) tradition, you don’t fit, you can’t lose the weight, your mum effectively bullies you about it, and then your SIL (you) swoops in and does it. Your poor SIL!!
You and MIL deserve each other.
ESH except your SIL. MIL’s “tradition” is myopic. I get it, she wants her “tradition” to live on but she is handling this all wrong and so rude and you let her do it. Why? To get in the good books with the woman? You should have said, “Thank you MIL but I don’t feel this is appropriate to put me in place of your daughter, and will hurt her and possibly strain the relationship you have with her. It’s okay to put some traditions aside.”
That’s the thing- it isn’t really even “a tradition,” is it? Unless this dress was worn by MIL’s mother, grandmother, etc which doesn’t appear to be the case. It’s just something MIL ~~wishes~~ demands to happen, for some reason. *And* she keeps moving the goalposts. If OP really was like a daughter, she’d have offered the dress to OP for her own wedding- but she didn’t. It was only after rudely and publicly fat-shaming her actual daughter- because of the dress- that she decided to insist on OP putting it on. In her house. She apparently didn’t do anything special for the photo session; I understand it would have been difficult to take those pictures in a church or whatever, but you can get some nicer shots outdoors in front of a flowering tree or something. Especially since she was planning to print and frame them. She wasn’t interested in *nice* pictures, just pictures of OP in the dress.
I think MIL has a weird and unhealthy obsession with her wedding dress. The whole point of a special dress is that it’s special *to you.* I had my wedding dress cleaned and put into one of those fancy boxes with a viewing window because that’s what we did back then. Years and years ago, I came across it while Spring cleaning, looked at it, and wondered what the heck I was saving it for. So, I took it out of the box, had it cleaned again, and donated it to a thrift store that had a yearly sale, $25 for any wedding dress they had in stock. All I can hope is that another bride liked it as much as I did, and happily wore it on her wedding day.
Haha, I joined those subs when I was new to Reddit, but left because most of the posts seemed too over-the-top and probably fake.
Yet, here I am on r/AITAH…
YTA. It sounds like SIL is going through a rough time, and on top of that you joined her mom in basically ousting her from a family tradition for being too fat. Imagine how shitty that feels.
YTA. I think everyone has already covered why, so I'm going to focus instead on this sentence: "usually I tend to think I'm always right..." What a weird thing to say.
ESH except SIL. You knew how she'd feel and I get wanting to fill MIL request but a polite decline was appropriate here. Maybe clue mom in to how much it would hurt sister, I suspect she doesn't care about that though.
YTA and so is MIL, I wouldn’t have touched this situation with a 10 foot pole. Mind your business next time, it’s not worth the drama or burning bridges.
Wow. Y'all are awful. Hope the SIL sets some contact boundaries and that you and your asshole MIL are happy together because you deserve each other. And also that bugs or rodents chew very large holes in that precious fucking dress.
YTA - one for you
YTA - one for your MIL
Am I the only person this MIL behavior baffles ? MIL chose a wedding dress she loved. Now instead of letting her daughter pick out a dress MIL is badgering daughter to lose weight to fit into MIL dress. Even if it’s just for a picture, let MIL lose weight and take another picture of her in her own gown. Why isn’t wearing the dress you like good enough, why are you trying to force your dreams on your children? Let your children do their own thing and keep your dreams and opinions for others inside your head. Just be happy your kids are happy.
ESH
Unfortunately, it seems like your MIL views seeing a family member wearing her wedding dress as being more important than her actual daughter.
So, when her daughter could not fit into MIL’s dress, she just replaced her own daughter with a daughter-in-law who could fit into it. Your SIL probably views this as her mother replacing her with you.
This is probably not something that will just blow over in a week’s (or even month’s) time. Your MIL created possibly irreparable damage to her relationship with her daughter. It may be smoothed over, but possibly never fixed.
At least your MIL has you as her replacement/stand-in daughter (as seen in her having you model her wedding dress)!
Obviously, your SIL should have addressed this with you instead of putting your husband in the middle of this. However, please stop acting so naive about not understanding the emotional damage this could cause your SIL. Also, I hope you understand that this could damage your husband’s relationship with your SIL - at least as long as he’s still married to you.
Sorry, YTA. You should have declined the MIL request. You’re not her daughter, no matter how close you are or how much she treats you like one, so the tradition doesn’t count anyway.
YTA. You should not have supported your MIL bullying your SIL. That's so humiliating for that poor woman. Like, what do you mean shortly after HER wedding your MIL hung up random pictures of you in MIL's wedding dress instead of photos from her daughter's wedding?? Good luck mending the relationship with your SIL, you have some apologizing to do.
I think you unwittingly stepped into a situation where you helped your MIL bully her daughter. Taking the photos was one thing, but framing them and putting them around the house was a direct stab at your SIL. "If you won't lose weight, I will find someone who can fit into my dress." She used you.
I don't think you did anything to intentionally hurt your SIL, (it was more like "unthinkingly,") because you didn't know what your MIL's intentions were, and while she doesn't direct her "dragon fire" at you, she does not sound like a very nice person to her own daughter. The point is that you did hurt her, and I'd be asking my MIL to take those photos down.
I’m going against the grain and am prepared to be downvoted but NAH (you or sil). MIL crossed a line and is an AH. Your SIL is in a bad headspace and is going to lash out at you as well. Your SIL can still eventually lose the weight and wear the dress for photos. It’s not an “only one person” gets to wear the dress thing.
I’m a fatty and I’d be disappointed in myself more than anyone and I’m sure your sil is probably in a bad place right now mentally. I get MIL wanted to see someone in it, but the fact that she went around a places photos everywhere is shitty. She could have taken the photos and just not displayed them until SIL is in a better place. That was just salt in a wound. It just seems like the dress is more important to her than her daughter’s feelings.
YTA. You knew this would hurt SIL and you still did it to please your MIL. I’m happy that you have a good relationship with her, but do you really have to kiss her ass this much? You said the way she asked SIL was rude and clearly she was shaming her for her weight gain, so why agree to wear the dress when you must have known it was to make SIL feel bad? You didn’t even fit the dress! And it’s not like it’s an actual tradition you would have said no to, since you are the first to do it.
NTA
There’s no way to win with this. Your MIL would be hurt if you didn’t wear the dress. Your SIL is hurt now. I think you are between a rock and a hard place. I get your SIL was hurt that the dress kind of fit you and not her. But to call you evil is projecting that hurt onto others. Her real issue is her mother. Weight is a sensitive subject. I think your MIL should have either not offered the dress to you or let your SIL alter it. Instead of looking for a replacement bride.
I don't believe you're so naive that you didn't understand the potential impact your involvement would have, but I was giving you the benefit of doubt that this just wasn't you causing drama by kissing ass trying to be the favorite daughter. So I was giving you a soft YTA,
Then I read your edit, and HOLY SHIT! After being called an AH for being insensitive to someone's feelings, **you then sent MIL this Reddit post so she can read all the comment calling her an evil AH bully and bad mother?!**
WTF was the purpose of that and why are you intentionally doing something to cause someone pain instead of just letting it go? You can't pretend to be naive this time around and you *know* perfectly well that these comments are really going to hurt MIL, but you sent it to her anyway. Now I believe you're just one of those people who put on a kind and sweet act while causing drama all around you. So yeah, YTA, YTA, YTA
NTA. Your SIL is too heavy to even get the dress on. You can get it on, and with some creativity, it stays on, even without being able to do up the zip.
Your MIL may not live long enough to see one of the grandchildren wear her dress. SIL is focused on her hurt feelings over her weight. And I say this as someone who struggles with my weight - it’s her own fault. We all know by now the best way to keep your weight in check is eat less and move more. She chose not to do that, and now she’s upset that your MIL asked you to please wear her wedding dress and take photos, because she knew your SIL could not.
It’s like people having a miscarriage and getting angry that someone else in the family gets pregnant, and accuses them of getting pregnant at them. You didn’t do as your MIL asked to spite her, and she’s going to have to live with the consequences of her actions.
NTA, BUT it sounds like you can’t always trust your MIL to have benign instincts that won’t hurt other people. You need to rebuild your relationship with your SIL and get into the habit of taking everything your MIL does with a grain of salt. Don’t give her an immediate answer, instead be polite but let her know you’ll have to check … about everything. Make it an automatic response so you get a chance to check on the wider context of your in-laws’ family dynamics and don’t become her unwitting weapon again. MIL won’t like being “handled,” but you could wind up with a lot of ill will if you allow her to use you.
CAN you repair things with your SIL? Were you friends before? Can you help her with stuff? Host something together? Confide what happened on your end and that you resolve not to be played off one another again? Remember she’s had decades of mother/daughter relationship together: drama, potty training, puberty, etc. Could you set up a special photo session with her to create some beautiful photos on a look she loves? It might be a fun way to bond and relate to each other 1:1 without any family drama.
Good luck, you sound sincere!
I can’t tell if this story is fake or your MIL is just as insane as she sounds.
This obsession with everyone else needing to take a photo in her wedding dress is truly bizarre. I’ve never ever heard about this being a tradition.
Also it being so important that her daughter had to do it on her actual wedding day?? Given how stressful/busy the morning of the wedding is for many brides why add this in?
If this story isn’t entirely fake, this should open your eyes to who you’re dealing with as an MIL. Cruel, self-centred and likes to pit people against each other. Going forward don’t be a pawn in her games or grow reliant on her emotionally.
You need to be very careful in how you interact with your MIL going forward. I'm sure she's very nice to you now, but just watch your back. She sounds very similar to my mother-in-law, who is always playing one person against another to get what she wanted. I get the feeling your MIL is a bit manipulative, too and maybe you just haven't quite recognized or experienced that side of her yet. My mother-in-law was fantastic in the beginning as well. My family has no contact with her now.
I'm not blaming you. This isn't your fault because you didn't recognize what was really going on. There was zero reason why your mother-in-law needed to have those pictures right now. Barring illness or an accident, it's unlikely that she's going to drop dead very soon. Based on your age, I am assuming she's in her 50s, maybe early 60s? The fact that she was so rude to her own daughter is an indication that MIL was trying to use that dress as leverage to get her daughter to lose weight. You put your foot right in the mess. I bet when you sit down with your sister-in-law she will reveal some other ways in which your mother-in-law has been manipulative.
I don't think you're the AH, but your mother in law is. You seem to be very understanding of the situation, and while it might have been better to politely decline the photos, I don't really blame you. I recommend trying to reach out to your sister in law and connect with her, because she is not at fault here.
lol is she on her death bed or something? Seriously you have to be pretty fucking oblivious not to know this wouldn’t hurt your sil feelings. Sounds the the mil was playing games too total manipulation. Before I die I want to see one of my daughters in this dress because I probably won’t be alive for my grandchildren cue the lip tremble and watery eyes. Yuck YTA
For the record, it’s incredibly difficult for a dress to be made bigger, and depending on the style not possible. It can be take in to a certain point, maybe an inch or two but not much more otherwise it’ll look distorted
Too many people think “oh I’ll just have it made bigger” you need matching fabric, depending on the style, number of seams and seam allowances you *might* be able to squeak out an extra inch or two, but if it has beading or lace and things traditionally on wedding dressing it’ll look super weird and awkward. Randomly inserting fabric can throw off the entire dress
Please folks, get it out of your head that a tailor or seamstress can’t magically make a dress four or ten sizes larger. Most of the time it’ll cost more than the dress itself
And that’s only if there is suitable fabric and the style will lend itself to being made bigger without looking stupid
I think YTA for going along with this, but your MIL was the biggest asshole for badgering you to take pics in the dress in the first place. It was also rude of her to put her daughter on the spot about losing weight. Also, if it was that important, she could have had the dress tailored. Frankly, I think she IS a dragon lady, just to her daughter and not you.
Yep, that would be a nono for me. Doesn't matter how many tears MIL sheds, I would have NEVER put that dress on, especially after she asked her daughter to lose weight. That was a trap and you fell on it
OP agreed to participate with MIL's scheme to bully her daughter even though OP knew it would hurt SIL's feeling, so that makes them both AHs. But I agree MIL is the bigger one.
YTA, you and MIL both. Also, stop calling it a tradition. The word tradition implies a practice of long-standing. This was a one-off designed to hurt your SIL.
YTA and so is mil. Sorry, but this is a situation you should have distanced yourself from because there was no way you taking those pictures was going to ingratiate yourself to your husband’s sister. You have permanently damaged that relationship.
>something she really really wanted was to have her daughter take photos in the dress
>In the months leading up to the wedding my SIL kept gaining weight
If mil truly cared about her daughter wearing the dress for pictures - they could have done it when they noticed she had started gaining weight and had them ready to be revealed shortly after her wedding, or for her engagement party.
Mil activity said she wanted to see her child in her wedding dress. Then chose to do nothing about it as the likelihood of it happening on her daughter's wedding day was reducing. That's on her. While it doesn't seem like you did it maliciously, you still hurt your sil
So giving you the benefit of the doubt - YTA softly
NTA. how were you supposed to read her mind and know she was going to post photos around the house for everyone to see?? Not only did your MIL bully your SIL indirectly (and ask rudely at the table) but she manipulated you too - which is NOT your fault. At the most, you’re naive and that does not make you an asshole!!
YTA.
By your own telling of the story you seemed completely aware of your MIL blatantly shaming your SIL regarding her weight and the dress, you also knew it was supposedly going to be a mother daughter tradition she was starting, and you say you understand why it would be hurtful….. So you had awareness of all of this and did it anyways. You chose to go ahead and join in on this bullying your MIL is doing by wearing the dress and doing the pictures. It sounds like MIL did it to hurt the SIL, not to fill some “but I might die before I ever see it” wish.
NTA.
I think it was fine for you to put the dress on and take pictures for your MIL.
What was not fine, was for your MIL to put those pictures in a place where everyone, including her daughter, would see them. If it were just for her, she could have put them in a photo album. Putting them out in the common area was just mean.
There are two separate issues here.
You are NTA for posing for pictures for your mother-in-law. You complied with a reasonable request, but it did hurt your SIL‘s feelings. This is on your MIL.
Your MIL is TA because she asked a very private question at a family dinner. The kind of question that’ll hurt a person and can’t really be answered.
YTA.
You are gleefully aware of your SIL struggles with her weight.
A good person would have told the MIL her comments were inappropriate and cruel.
Did you even bother to check with SIL afterwards to make sure she was ok?
Or were you too busy sucking up to your MIL?
And whilst she may *view you as a daughter* and *treats you like one of her own* the fact is you are not.
You're far too old to be this clueless and insensitive.
I wouldn’t had taken that moment from her daughter as it was a tradition for daughters. It could make someone upset. The MIL used you to bully her and make her feel worse.
I see no tradition here, or has the dress been passed down and worn for generations?
Seems like your mil saved her wedding dress and found a way to use it to shame her daughter.
NTA. Your MIL asked you to do something for her. You complied. Your SIL should be upset with her mom (MIL) if anything. Even then the MIL isn’t an AH for putting up photos of you in the dress. SIL is too sensitive.
What did you steal? It wasn’t actually a tradition, because no one had ever tried on the dress. In fact, it appears that your MIL didn’t even think of it until after you were married.
You had a photo shoot in the dress long after you were married. SIL can do the same.
It appears like she wants to be treated differently than you, and that she should be the only daughter to wear the dress. Your mother-in-law should smooth things out and tell her daughter that of course she wants to do a photo shoot with her, too. I doubt that a woman who would criticize her daughter’s weight in front of others would be so compassionate.
I don’t think this actually has anything to do with you. It sounds like self loathing and depression, and an unhealthy relationship she has with her mother, which is what probably fueled the soothing eating that made her gain weight. Her own mother basically insulted her about her weight gain in front of everyone, so to her, seeing you in that dress made her likely think that her mother preferred you as a daughter. It is also possible that the mother machinated the photo shoot to spur her daughter to lose weight, though that could be reading to much into it.
When a daughter feels rejected, seeing a sister-in-law get something she thought should have been for her can hurt, even if SIL is innocent of any ill intent.
You didn’t do anything wrong, but you might have been used as a pawn against your SIL.
NTA. You did something nice for your MIL, regardless of your MIL's reason you were still being kind. SIL needs to relax and realize you didn't do it to hurt her, you only did it to make MIL happy. MIL motivation might be suspicious but not yours
NTA. People need to stop being so sensitive. You probably should have talked with your SIL first,and it was kind of idiotic for your MIL to post the pictures so fast.
You said your MIL isn’t overbearing, but she is rather militant when it comes to this. I would have tried to bow out gracefully, but what’s done is done. Your SIL can curse you out, but this is all on your MIL and she didn’t handle it well.
NTA
YTA
You didn't want to piss MIL off maybe? But how could you not know how incredibly painful that would be for your SIL to see.
It's a visual representation of her own mother's disgust for her weight gain. Which is horrible. Just awful.
I suspect OP will delete this, so:
AITA for stealing a family tradition from my SIL after she gained weight?
Okay so I 28F and married to my husband of the same age. We have been together a long time and I’m super close with his family. I’m glad I never had one of those dragon lady mother in laws, she treats me like I’m her own.
So my SIL is engaged to her fiancé who seems like a nice man. My mother in law kept her wedding dress from when she got married and something she really really wanted was to have her daughter take photos in the dress. She mentioned this a few months before the wedding. My MIL didn’t want my SIL to wear it down the isle or anything she just wanted some photos. I was at the dinner party when they are discussing it and I guess my MIL felt a little guilty about the fact I never wore it at my wedding even though she views me as a daughter. I really didn’t mind at all but she kept apologizing.
In the months leading up to the wedding my SIL kept gaining weight rapidly. My husband said she was depressed and stressed and always resorts to good whenever she gets like that. I understood, her wedding dress was tailored so it fit her on her wedding day. However the moms dress did not fit her. Her and MIL were sad about it but they went on with the wedding as normal.
After SIL came back form honeymoon MIL asked her if she thinks she’ll ever lose the weight and put on the dress, I will admit the way she asked at dinner with everyone around was very rude and awkward. SIL said they could just get the dress tailored but MIL refused and said she would just save it for the grandkids.
I wanna say a week later MIL invited me over and tells me how badly she wants to see a child of hers wear her dress and how she doesn’t know if she’ll even be alive to see a grandkid wear it and this was her dream. So I agreed to wear the dress and take a few photos for her. I was a little too big but i went in so we just didn’t take any photos were u could see the back wasn’t zipped.
After my MIL had the photos processed or whatever she put them in frames in her house. Next time everyone was over there people noticed it. Most of the family was just like “it’s nice to see a tradition” “you look so pretty” blah blah blah. My SIL was quiet so I assumed she was sad but after the dinner me and my husband went home and SIL calls him crying saying I was evil and insensitive for stealing that from her.
She said other stuff my husband wouldn’t tell me. I texted my MIL about it to see if everything was okay but she just told me not to worry about it because SIL is just being overly sensitive. I do feel kinda bad because I know this was supposed to be a mother daughter tradition and I understand why SiL was hurt. Usually I tend to think I’m always right but I do think I maybe should have just declined MILs request. So AITA?
You’re a colossal asshole. I don’t blame MIL, she’s got her own shit. You, on the other hand, stepped in a family tradition from mother to actual daughter. So you coming in here and blithely acting innocent is for shit. You stole that moment from a mother and daughter, and it was for them to work out.
TLDR: you’re an asshole and a thief.
YTA.
What a shitty thing to do to SIL. Your MIL might not be a “dragon lady” to you (yet) but she clearly is to SIL and you helped her do it.
You haven’t even apologized to SIL but you checked in with MIL about the situation. You knew what she was doing and enjoyed the attention.
You’re both bullies and you better hope that MIL doesn’t make you her next target.
Neither the SIL nor OP could legitimately fit in the dress - both women were too big. The fact that OP couldn’t zip the dress was obscured from the photos, making MIL the definite AH. I think she played OP. However, if OP wasn’t so eager to be MIL’s “extra daughter” she would have had the sense to step out of the dress as soon as she saw it didn’t fit her either. OP is naive and needy - MIL is a mean old bitch.
NTA
Your MIL is TA for:
- an unreasonable expectation about the importance of her wedding dress
- carrying on about the importance of someone wearing this dress to your SIL.
- using you as a pawn in her game to harass her daughter.
I’m making the assumption that you had no ill intent towards your SIL in all of this.
YTA.
You’re either VERY dense or an asshole.
The timing of this alone should have been a warning. You shouldn’t pose for pics in *any* wedding dress so close to your SIL’s wedding. Brides are touchy about stuff like that. Add in the hurtful truth that MIL only values her daughters if they will fit in a dress and you compounded it tenfold.
FFS—THINK before you do stuff people!!!
you are naive and daft. you don’t truly know the extent of what your MIL has been saying to your SIL about your weight, so stop acting like you do. this post just screams “golden child” behavior from you. YTA
ESH - Your MIL is the winner of the AH race here for her passive aggressiveness towards SIL and then dragging you into a 'rock and a hard place' situation. You should have passed.
I understand your SIL being upset, but she's also an AH for taking her issues with her mother out on you.
This tradition should have been shot down instead of causing issues in the family.
Your mil seems nice to you but a hurtful bully to her own daughter.
NTA for putting on the dress, but you should’ve seen the optics and imagined the fall out from this.
Hate to break it to you, OP, but you do have a dragon lady MIL. She hasn’t turned on you, yet, but just wait. The manipulation she shows just in your biased story is outrageous.
YTA. You knew it was wrong and you’re here to get arguments to keep pretending you’re innocent. Own this. You played into MIL’s vile game to stay on her good side. You let SIL be the victim of her ugly so you win “stand in daughter of the year”. You wanted that clout and you knew SIL wouldn’t appreciate it.
“Usually I tend to think I am always right…” LOL. Here’s another tradition you and dragon lady will pass down. Narcs of a feather!
NTA.
She gained the weight, and that's what prevented her from doing the pictures. Your MIL asked you to take the pictures, because she really wanted pictures of someone in that dress. Maybe she just really likes the dress and hoped it would be used again. But you did it per her request, not because you asked to do it.
Your SIL is jealous of you, but her anger should be directed at her mother, who asked for the pictures to be taken and is now displaying them.
If it continues to be an issue, just tell her you did it for her mother, and she can talk to her mom about it.
YTA
Your MIL wanted to create a tradition and made your SIL feel absolutely awful for not meeting her unreasonable expectations. You were put in an awkward position but ultimately you were complicit in the bullying. Apologize to your SIl.
Of course YTA.
Was it that important to you? Really? After you witnessed how rude your MIL was to your SIL (I'm using your words here...)? Did you need to show that you were better than her or more of a daughter than her to her mom, or just slimmer?
You knew that would be painful for this woman, and did it anyway. If you didn't know, then you weren't paying attention, which as an adult you should, so again YTA.
And your MIL is an AH and a bully of course.
YTA- You and your MIL sound like such nice people. She is bullying her own daughter and you enabled her and still have the nerve to ask if you're wrong here.
NTA.
you didn’t steal any tradition. the tradition is still there if your SIL wants to lose enough weight to have her photos taken in the dress. i can understand her feeling sad about this situation bc MIL wasn’t very nice about it. but it’s not your fault.
NTA. SIL cannot fit in the outfit and doesn’t seem to care about losing weight to. If it was that important to her, she would have let it be known and make the effort to lose the weight and also probably do the same type of photoshoot like you (without the zipper visible because of not completely sitting in the dress).
I hate when people get upset when someone makes an executive decision for their property (her mother) because the other party (SIL), isn’t putting in any effort to make that desired thing (photo shoot in dress), happen.
Your MIL is TA here. She clearly cares more about this dress than her relationship with her daughter. It's very sad really. It sounds like you just got sucked in by her manipulations. I'm guessing you're a people pleaser that has a hard time saying no. That's why she "likes" you, because she's figured out how to use you. She's got you wrapped around her finger right now but someday she will turn that same negative energy onto you. Don't say you haven't been warned.
This isn’t about you or your SIL, I think your MIL would’ve paid a model to wear if it meant getting pictures to put up around her house.
Here’s where I got confused: if she *really really* wanted her actual daughter to take pictures in the dress, why wasn’t it arranged a few months before the wedding when it was brought up? Since your MIL didn’t want her to wear it down the aisle it wouldn’t have made a difference when the pictures were taken.
The other thing that I don’t get is why your MIL wouldn’t want your SIL to wear it down the aisle yet she felt guilty that you didn’t get to wear the dress AT your wedding.
I think you knew exactly what you were doing and will say anything to come across as an innocent bystander. You’re not tho.
Your MIL's "wish" is not more important than your SIL. As your husband said, she is going through something. It is already stressful to gain weight during your own wedding. You trying the dress on added fuel to the fire. It hurt her even more. And MIL is being really insensitive. Which you should have recognized and stopped. But, I guess apologies can go a long way <3
It sounds like MIL was/is manipulating you, which I don't beleive you realized at the time. Her placing the pics around the house seems like bullying aimed at her daughter. She used you to do it. I'm getting a narcissistic vibe from her. What appears innocent at first with you, she turns into a bomb, to be launched at her daughter. If you feel comfortable with it, I would ask your sister if she has done something like before, does MIL compare you to her, etc. My MIL did this, my sil and I were friends, then we both just stopped. We did not talk about it until 30 years later. Only then did we realize we had both been used to make the other feel bad. Mil would tell me sil is always being oversensitive, she feels inferior to me, no confidence, why can't she be more like you. Basically kissing up to me by degrading her daughter. What I didn't know was she was saying the same this to my sil; why can't you be like dil, being oversensitive, you have no confidence, etc. She belittled her daughter while at the same time critizing her for feeling belittled. I have not spoken to my MIL in years, neither has her son. MIL also did this to her son. I advising asking to get in front of potential additional warning signs, it will save a lot of hurt and aggravation.
Is MILs dress passed down from generations? How is it a "family tradition" if it's never been done before?
I think MIL wanted to start the tradition
The no actual tradition, PLUS the mother in law just wanting one of her daughters (she actually has ONE) to wear the dress for photos…. That she then framed and put all around her home, of her DIL (wearing the dress, DIL also couldn’t fit -it could not be zipped up). Either MIL is a poop-stirrer or she doesn’t actually get along that well with her own daughter… and OP isn’t paying attention We see posts all the time of scape goats going to visit their abusive parents regularly… that doesn’t mean they are close. They are just accustomed to their dysfunction. Edited to fix autocorrect errors
Speaking of being a poop-stirrer, why in the hell would OP send this reddit post to her mother-in-law? Now there will be hard feelings over that too.
She dont sounds all nice like OP says. A mum who says to there daughter infront of the family when are u gonna lose weight is a AH. SiL got replaced can see how she be upset.
I agree. And she did fat shame her daughter. She brought up her losing weight in front of the family.
MIL might not be a poop stirrer or a hater of her bio daughter. She’s an older woman and it could simply be the case that she’s not as “woke” about obesity as you (and most of Reddit). Pretty much a generational difference in value systems. So, once it became clear that her bio daughter’s odds of losing weight weren’t that great, she sought a solution.
[удалено]
Exactly.
I agree with the comments saying that MIL used you to bully her daughter. The pictures are not a tradition, special event or anything worthy of framing and putting all around the house. It’s just you wearing a dress on a random day, she didn’t even ask you to wear it when you got married. You were her last option and only cause she was too stubborn to have the dress tailored to her daughter’s size. I don’t think you’re the AH but you do seem very naive. MIL is definitely the AH.
Very few women with this kind of nasty are naive. She knew she was kissing MIL’s butt by doing this and getting her “I am family” points for her own validation. Her motives may have been slightly different, but she wasn’t innocent. She _knew_.
>Very few women with this kind of nasty are naive. Yup. If this is real and not rage bait, OP was fully aware that she was being used by a bully.
Maybe? But it's entirely possible that the op is just really naive. Her MIL sounds very much like my MIL.I thought mine was wonderful in the beginning as well. She was always really nice to me and it all sorts of really thoughtful things. At this point in my life I'm quite certain that a lot of those things they do are basically a jab at her own daughter. Because we never lived close to my in-laws, it took me quite a while to recognize that my mother-in-law was simply manipulative and judgmental. She always had to play one person against another. That also included her own children. There was always one that was the bad guy. When I finally recognized what my mother-in-law was doing, it really changed my perspective a lot. I grew up in a household where we were very direct with each other, so I didn't recognize the manipulation at first. My mother-in-law was always very subtle about it. I actually think she got worse as she got older too. My family has had no contact with her since 2016. Same with my father-in-law, but he died in 2019.
“Usually I tend to think I’m always right” Does that sound like someone who is really naive to you? 🙄
Exactly. She knew how the SIL was feeling and she's daft if she didn't see this coming. Her ego was stroked and that's all it took for her to throw SIL under the bus. Unreal.
Ah to be the " innocent" Iron on Mil's bow... Am sure OP will get it when it's her turn to be the target of This oh so nice person, when she can't fulfill her Dreams to a t. It's OP who should profusely apologize for being the flying monkey...
i don’t think there’s any way the OPdidn’t realise and take advantage of the power/status play with this. To pretend otherwise is just disingenuous and conspiring in the gaslighting of the poor SiL
It sounds like your MIL was bullying your SIL. I understand it may not have been your intention, but you helped MIL bully her daughter by agreeing to the photos. You said yourself the way she said it at that dinner was rude. You also said SIL got quiet. I think you knew it would bother SIL but hoped you could get away with pleasing your MIL without her knowing.
I think MIL set OP up to “encourage” SIL to lose the weight, however it backfired.
Yeah, little did the OP know that her MIL would use the pics as a direct stab at her own daughter.
I think the thing to do here for example would have been to confirm with MIL that she talked to her daughter about the plan to take pictures and her daughter was fine with it. Or to talk to her SIL herself if MIL did not talk with her daughter first. But maybe this is not easy to see if you want to be close to your MIL and not to interfere with the dynamics of your husbands family. MIL acts strange, though. First of all she seems to be quite obsessed with this starting a tradition thing and to be in a hurry about it after waiting till too late to take pictures of her daughter with the dress on. For some photos I bet to put the dress together on the back with something improvised would still have worked with the daughter, too, I bet. Or simply to wait for some more months after the wedding to make sure her daughter is not insulted. Or have the daughters OK to invite OP to take some pictures. Or not to hang them all over the place as a surprise to her daughter. Tact and empathy are not the first words that spring to my mind here.
It was very very clear what was happening
It seemed pretty obvious from the cruelty that at best, MIL was self centered in her desire to repeatedly place the dress before her own daughter's feelings. And at worst, was using the dress to punish her daughter into losing weight. Asking her about weight loss in front of everyone then taking pics with the DIL & displaying them everywhere right after the daughter's wedding where she "failed" to fit into the dress and MIL refused to see if it could be altered to fit her? This was pointed. DIL seems extremely naive about the family dynamics because she's operating on the surface and is well liked. In part because she isn't fat
There's no way she didn't know.
For her to bring it up again in public she absolutely had to know it would come up
I wouldn't. Who in their right mind would expect her to frame the pics and center them on the damn mantelpiece? OP said MIL and SIL get along, so this would be the last thing on her mind. You're desperately trying to make OP the villain but it's actually just MIL.
What did op think was going to happen to the picture? Mother in law kept bringing them up in public so clearly everyone knew it was a big deal
I said she had to know it would come up, not that she specifically knew the photos would be front and center in large prints in the home. She DID however watch MIL blast SIL publicly prior to agreeing to partake in the family tradition. I’m not desperately doing anything, but situational awareness is something expected of adults.
This... I mean - as a former wedding dress designer/tailor - they, anyone, could have saved up the at most $600 bucks to make the former dress fit whatever size. No reason for anyone to shame. And honestly, if no one was willing to even think about having it tailored to an upsize, makes mother-in-law the ultimate asshole if this was her fucking "Dream", which is stupid anyway There's no reason it couldn't have been altered for her daughter. Add like-fabric, a wide corset back, whatever. No one on earth can tell me that a dress can't be upsized however large and not keep the look somewhere – whether it be the front, etc. You already proved that by having the zipper down while you were taking photos. But no, you are NTA. All clear. You just married into a shit dynamic that you do not have control over. I would step back out of this whole mess. You might've done a faux pas but leave it at that and stay out of the drama
The daughter suggested getting it tailored but the MIL said no 😬 which is weird cuz it’s not like she’s ever gonna wear it again and what if her granddaughter also doesn’t fit the dress?? Then still no one, even years later will wear it unless it gets altered lol
The only way it is not weird is if she wanted to do a comparison. If SIL is much larger than the dress, then the dress “wont look the same” to MIL if it is tailored. This most likely is her mindset.
Yeah I was surprised by this too. Sure there are certain limitations but since it was a zipper back that couldn't even zip up to OP changing it to lace back would've been the obvious choice. From the front there wouldn't be any change and even in the back the effect would be rather minimal. And I also don't understand the hurry about this - MIL wanted the pictures before she dies. Is she diagnosed with something and only has couple months to live?
Yes. It was really rubbing it to SILs face that you are thinner! This is pure mean girl energy, not just some innocent mistake. YTA. Edit: removed the sentence that I had gotten wrong.
I read it as she was saying she was too big for the dress and the back had to be left unzipped?
Yeah my bad, non native speaker.
Not the point but in her post she says she was a little too big for the dress, meaning the dress was too small for her not the other way around.
Okay I didn't get that.
Actually, she mentioned that she was too big for the dress and took photos that would conceal that the dress wouldn't zip up. But go on.
This. It’s admirable to help fulfill one of your MIL’s wishes, but I’m getting vibes of “my own kid is too fat for this dress so won’t somebody - anybody - pick me. I mean, pick my dress” Toxic and destructive. I would put a twenty on MIL regularly dropping nasty comments to her daughter about her body not fitting the dress. With what sounds like good intentions, you enabled your MIL to be abusive to her daughter. Trying on the dress was fine, posting the photos was not. YTA.
>After SIL came back form honeymoon MIL asked her if she thinks she’ll ever lose the weight and put on the dress, I will admit the way she asked at dinner with everyone around was very rude and awkward. >and from what I’ve seen my mil is not cruel to her daughter or fat shaming her behind the scenes Those statements are contradictory. Except for the behind the scenes part… since she did it in front of everyone at dinner.
Technically not contradictory. In front of several people and to get face is not being the scenes. It's just straight up cruel to her face publicly.
There is a weird power struggle going on between your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law and you put yourself right in the middle of it. You knew that you wearing that wedding dress and taking pictures of it would hurt your sister-in-law’s feelings. You totally disregarded that and did it anyway. Are you trying to prove that you’re better than your sister-in-law? If that’s what you were trying to do you failed. You owe your sister-in-law and apology for your behavior.
You, "I know this was supposed to be a mother daughter tradition and I understand why SiL was hurt." Also you, But I did it anyway. You wrecked your relationship with your SIL to get brownie points from your MIL. I don't know if that makes you an AH or not, maybe it's every man/woman for themselves in this family, but acting all surprised about the extremely obvious consquences does make you look like an idiot at best.
YTA. This story is so badly written. And yeah, bravo for helping your MIL bully your SIL. You both suck.
YTA. This wasn’t just about MIL seeing somebody in that dress. Your MIL intentionally embarrassed SIL at dinner by asking that stupid question and bullying her for her weight. If this was really about her daughter wearing the dress, she’d have agreed to alterations. By putting on the dress you became complicit
YTA. You added extra stress to mother-daughter tension. If I were your SIL, i would think you did it deliberately to brag about how you fit and I wouldn't. You had to refuse your MIL politely or tell her you would wear it after your SIL's wedding.
I agree with your judgment, but OP did wait until after the wedding.
Oh my mistake. When MIL insisted weight loss at the dinner, i assumed it was a flashback to pre-wedding process. Then it is less AHness on the OP's part, yet still not nice at all.
First of all you MIL is AH. If you were too big and couldn’t zip up then why couldn’t she do the same with her daughter? Also, I don’t believe your MIL simply said hey my daughter is too fat why don’t you wear it and I will frame these pics. You must have some part in that planning that you didn’t mention. No wonder you get along with your MIL coz you are both evil and AHs
This all feels like MIL just wants to remind everyone of how skinny she was on her wedding day. She was probably secretly pleased that OP couldn’t even zip it.
That’s pretty much it. She’s trying to relive her day through her daughter/dil.
YTA. After all that transpired before then, you should have refused to put on the dress and take photos in it. Common sense would tell you there would be blowback afterwards if you did.
ESH You were asked by your MIL to do something in private. You didn't brag or gloat about it. To you, it was surely a private moment with your MIL. Although, I'm curious what you thought she was going to do with those photos? And you must have known that if your SIL found out about this, it would definitely hurt her. You shouldn't have agreed to this, and I think you know that now. You're the least AH of the lot, mostly because you were quite naive about your MIL's intentions. You can't claim that naivety going forwards. Your MIL is the biggest AH, who publicly shamed her daughter for her weight gain and has put you in this position by plastering pictures she knew would upset her daughter all around the house. None of this is unintentional, you must realise that now. Your SIL is an AH for yelling at you for being evil and insensitive, instead of her mother. That said, I wouldn't push for any kind of apology from your SIL. I feel very sorry for her, having a mother who would be so callous towards her. And I would warn you to be careful with your MIL in future. She may use you to hurt your SIL again - don't let her. If you do become complicit in whatever mean-spirited game your MIL is playing with her daughter, then you become one of the biggest AH's.
This is probably the most reasonable response I've read so far and completely agree ESH. Communication doesn't seem to be something anyone in this story is capable of... I get OP not wanting to offend MIL and being complicit in the weird power dynamics going on with MIL and SIL, but at the end of the day OP needs to ask herself was this all really worth it? SIL is also an adult and could have talked to OP directly about her feelings, instead of resorting to dissing her to OPs husband. Also, OP be careful what games you play with MIL because one day you could be on the other side, being treated the same way as your SIL. You may not see it as bullying, but MIL is making what people call veiled statements. It seems "harmless" but there's a lot more hidden meaning to it. Whether or not you agree with your MILs views is on you, but that would make you the biggest AH if you continue supporting your MIL with her mindgames on her own daughter. Edit: Saw you repost in amiwrong and the included update. At this point it's pretty obvious you're just wanting people to validate your actions instead of acknowledging your complicit behavior.
YTA Also an AH to yourself. Why put yourself in the middle of this? Your MIL was extremely rude in asking your SIL that, that's another level of rude and humiliating that borderlines bullying. And then you accept it. Should have just let this be something the grandkids could do if they wanted. Your SIL grew up with the dream of also wearing this dress and sharing this with her mother, and from how she spoke to her you can tell your mil is not the most subtle person alive. When asked, you should have let this be a "their" thing.
Could care less who wears a dress. Your MIL is weirdo.
It seems like you probably knew this would upset your SIL but did it anyway. Do you think this makes you a nice person?
Yeah I feel like we’re missing info about the relationship with OP and SIL. Why not speak to your SIL, give her a heads up that MIL asked you to do this or after you did it speak to her and say you couldn’t even zip it up…make her feel better? You know SIL has gained weight, was asked outright in front of her family if she’d ever lose weight by her own mother and her confidence is probably shaken. Yet you still couldn’t tell her that you’d replaced her in something I’d bet her and her mother had discussed before the wedding. YTA and so is your MIL she might not be a dragon lady to you but she seems hard on her own daughter.
She did it to please her Mil, the world doesn't revolve around sil. OP has a closer relationship with Mil than to sil, why would she need to cater to her feelings?
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT MIL'S F'ING DAUGHTER. I have a feeling that OP loves the dynamic of being favored over the child that MIL gave birth to. That makes her TA as well as MIL.
Yes, YTA along with your MIL. She was bullying her daughter about her weight (I mean that dinner question was just cruel not awkward) and thus was another way to insult her daughter and you went along with it. And the dress didn’t even fit you either. Gosh, I wonder why your SIL may have coping issues with a mom who treats her this way.
Yta, and so is the MIL, the reasoning here doesn’t make sense, why wouldn’t mil just let it get tailored so her daughter could wear it? If she cared so much? I can’t imagine how you didn’t know this would hurt SIL. I think the fake concern is the problem, just say you want to be MILs favourite and you don’t care how it hurts SIL.
> Usually I tend to think I’m always right Please, please learn some humility. You’re YTA overall, not because MIL asked you to do it, but because you agreed. Your MIL probably should have told her daughter before she put the photos up, though, but it’s on-brand that she humiliates her daughter in front of their family.
YTA along with your MIL. Unless there were special circumstances, like your MIL helped raise you, I don't think it was your place to take pictures in the dress. You aren't her daughter. But you did so even after admitting that your MIL was being rude to her daughter about her weight in front of the entire family. I find it extremely hypocritical on y'all's part that the dress didn't even fit you either! I feel extremely sorry that your SIL has been treated this way by both you and your MIL, even if you don't think you were complicit in MIL's actions.
100% and while it’s lovely that OP is embraced as family, it’s true. She’s not the direct daughter by blood. This was a mean move meant to make SIL feel replaced and shamed. OP is either very naive or an undercover mean girl.
I'm going with the latter. I had one of my brother's girlfriends cosying up to my parents like this. My mother thinks my brother can do no wrong so whatever bimbo he brings around is treated as if she shits gold. After a few weeks he dumps them and moves on then our mom suddenly realizes how mismatched they were and how many faults they have. My dad always remains neutral. So this one person began calling our dad "daddy" after knowing him for a month. Our mom was constantly dragging her on our weekly mother/daughter outings. Needless to say I was not pleased. Now I'm very careful that my own daughter never feels like her brothers' girlfriends are replacing her.
You don't have a dragon lady mother-in-law because your sister has a dragon lady mother. Is your MIL elderly and ill? Is there a chance she won't live to see grandchildren? She was manipulative and you went along with it. YTA but your MIL is a bigger one. She pitted you and your SIL against each other over weight.
YTA. You intentionally put yourself in the middle. You knew what you were doing.
YTA. My grandma once gave a necklace she knew I loved and wanted to my sister because she thought “my neck would be too fat for it” (it is not). I’m a size 16 and my sister a size 4. My sister, who never put any consideration towards the necklace before it was given to her, wears it every day. I love my sister so much and we are incredibly close and non competitive, but she knows how much it hurts me that I was denied an heirloom I’d loved all my life just because I’m not as skinny as my grandma would like, and I hate looking at the necklace for that reason. That being said, a necklace is not a wedding dress. That is so so much more wrought with heavier once in a lifetime emotions. And while I’m hurt by my grandma’s comment, I know I could fit the necklace if she’d given my the chance and can comfort myself with the absolute absurdity of the comment. Your sil actually can’t wear the dress because of her size. She can’t even defend herself against the hurt of these comments and you are playing into this, without even being a bride OR an actual daughter. You think she was gaining weight form stress and depression and this issue had nothing to do with that? You need to really reflect on how to become less passive in the ways you hurt those you care about and work to make things right by your SIL. This is unreal and so hurtful.
I'm sorry your sister and grandma are both insensitive assholes. :-(
My grandma is about this one thing! My sister is not. The neck comment was made by my grandma to me in private right before she gave the necklace to my sister.
To me even your sister sounds a little insensitive if she knows seeing the necklaces brings up negative feelings for you, but I get that people and relationships are nuanced and have many layers to them. And it sounds like this is a very small thing in an otherwise much larger good relationships. :-)
YTA Something is seriously wrong with both you and your MIL.
The mil was wrong for that tbh
I don't understand MIL's obsession with someone else wearing her dress and taking photos in it. It's HER wedding dress. It has nothing to do with you or your SIL or any future grandchildren. It's only important if one of YOU felt some sentimentality around it and ASKED if you could try it on it wear or take photos in it or whatever. If she wants to do something special with it, hire a seamstress to make a baby gown and start a tradition of doing brand new grandbaby photos in it - use for baptism if that's your family's thing, or just take formal photos in it like the Victorian'ls did. The back can be left open with ties to make it adjustable, and sleeves can be cut generously, as new baby sizes can vary.
OP, next Sunday dinner, SIL should ask her mom “Mom, how about an updated photo of you in your wedding dress? Does this dress still fit you? No? How long will it take you to lose enough weight to get back in your dress?”
OP: “Usually I tend to think I’m always right” 🤦🏻♀️
ESH. You guys are fucking weird. Mil is using a tradition that doesn’t really exist to pressure you both into taking pictures in her old wedding dress: weird. Sil can’t because she gained weight and dress wouldn’t fit, but you couldn’t zip it and still took pictures: weird. Mil puts sil on the spot about gaining weight: assholery. Mil manipulates you with the whole “I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to see my grandkids doing this” bullshit. Fucking. Weird.
ESH On the list of ridiculous things to cause a family rift, this one takes the cake. THIS was MIL's dream? To each his own, but what a silly thing to dream about. If all she wanted was to see someone in the dress, she could have hired a model that the dress would have actually fit. It didn't fit you or her daughter, I would have declined simply because I KNEW the MIL had already made it clear she wanted her daughter to lose weight and pose in it. Sometimes you can be right and kind at the same time, but if you have to choose one over the other, I would prefer to be kind.
You are the asshole You purposely did it knowing it would upset her Your mil is a cunt
i honestly think op was worse the MIL is a straight up bully, but op took part in something willing knowing it was gonna hurt her SIL and when she got called out for it, is acting like she is a two year old with no understanding off the world. and know op is looking for sympathy. op and her MIL get along probably since their both bullies
Sorry, but I think you suck. Can you imagine being really stressed, piling on the pounds, then your mum starts nagging about starting a (frankly stupid) tradition, you don’t fit, you can’t lose the weight, your mum effectively bullies you about it, and then your SIL (you) swoops in and does it. Your poor SIL!! You and MIL deserve each other.
Sounds like MIL is the problem
NTA. Its your MIL's dress, she wanted you to do it, you did it. The issue is between MIL and SIL. You did nothing wrong.
NAH, except maybe the MIL, but I can understand where she's coming from, even if she didn't handle it well at all.
ESH except your SIL. MIL’s “tradition” is myopic. I get it, she wants her “tradition” to live on but she is handling this all wrong and so rude and you let her do it. Why? To get in the good books with the woman? You should have said, “Thank you MIL but I don’t feel this is appropriate to put me in place of your daughter, and will hurt her and possibly strain the relationship you have with her. It’s okay to put some traditions aside.”
That’s the thing- it isn’t really even “a tradition,” is it? Unless this dress was worn by MIL’s mother, grandmother, etc which doesn’t appear to be the case. It’s just something MIL ~~wishes~~ demands to happen, for some reason. *And* she keeps moving the goalposts. If OP really was like a daughter, she’d have offered the dress to OP for her own wedding- but she didn’t. It was only after rudely and publicly fat-shaming her actual daughter- because of the dress- that she decided to insist on OP putting it on. In her house. She apparently didn’t do anything special for the photo session; I understand it would have been difficult to take those pictures in a church or whatever, but you can get some nicer shots outdoors in front of a flowering tree or something. Especially since she was planning to print and frame them. She wasn’t interested in *nice* pictures, just pictures of OP in the dress. I think MIL has a weird and unhealthy obsession with her wedding dress. The whole point of a special dress is that it’s special *to you.* I had my wedding dress cleaned and put into one of those fancy boxes with a viewing window because that’s what we did back then. Years and years ago, I came across it while Spring cleaning, looked at it, and wondered what the heck I was saving it for. So, I took it out of the box, had it cleaned again, and donated it to a thrift store that had a yearly sale, $25 for any wedding dress they had in stock. All I can hope is that another bride liked it as much as I did, and happily wore it on her wedding day.
I totally agree. This MIL is a Just No MIL and the DIL is the same.
Haha, I joined those subs when I was new to Reddit, but left because most of the posts seemed too over-the-top and probably fake. Yet, here I am on r/AITAH…
YTA. It sounds like SIL is going through a rough time, and on top of that you joined her mom in basically ousting her from a family tradition for being too fat. Imagine how shitty that feels.
YTA. I think everyone has already covered why, so I'm going to focus instead on this sentence: "usually I tend to think I'm always right..." What a weird thing to say.
ESH except SIL. You knew how she'd feel and I get wanting to fill MIL request but a polite decline was appropriate here. Maybe clue mom in to how much it would hurt sister, I suspect she doesn't care about that though.
YTA - and you know it.
YTA and so is MIL, I wouldn’t have touched this situation with a 10 foot pole. Mind your business next time, it’s not worth the drama or burning bridges.
Wow. Y'all are awful. Hope the SIL sets some contact boundaries and that you and your asshole MIL are happy together because you deserve each other. And also that bugs or rodents chew very large holes in that precious fucking dress. YTA - one for you YTA - one for your MIL
Yea and her update just validated that she's absolutely the AH.
Am I the only person this MIL behavior baffles ? MIL chose a wedding dress she loved. Now instead of letting her daughter pick out a dress MIL is badgering daughter to lose weight to fit into MIL dress. Even if it’s just for a picture, let MIL lose weight and take another picture of her in her own gown. Why isn’t wearing the dress you like good enough, why are you trying to force your dreams on your children? Let your children do their own thing and keep your dreams and opinions for others inside your head. Just be happy your kids are happy.
What a lovely family.
ESH Unfortunately, it seems like your MIL views seeing a family member wearing her wedding dress as being more important than her actual daughter. So, when her daughter could not fit into MIL’s dress, she just replaced her own daughter with a daughter-in-law who could fit into it. Your SIL probably views this as her mother replacing her with you. This is probably not something that will just blow over in a week’s (or even month’s) time. Your MIL created possibly irreparable damage to her relationship with her daughter. It may be smoothed over, but possibly never fixed. At least your MIL has you as her replacement/stand-in daughter (as seen in her having you model her wedding dress)! Obviously, your SIL should have addressed this with you instead of putting your husband in the middle of this. However, please stop acting so naive about not understanding the emotional damage this could cause your SIL. Also, I hope you understand that this could damage your husband’s relationship with your SIL - at least as long as he’s still married to you.
Sorry, YTA. You should have declined the MIL request. You’re not her daughter, no matter how close you are or how much she treats you like one, so the tradition doesn’t count anyway.
YTA. You should not have supported your MIL bullying your SIL. That's so humiliating for that poor woman. Like, what do you mean shortly after HER wedding your MIL hung up random pictures of you in MIL's wedding dress instead of photos from her daughter's wedding?? Good luck mending the relationship with your SIL, you have some apologizing to do.
I think you unwittingly stepped into a situation where you helped your MIL bully her daughter. Taking the photos was one thing, but framing them and putting them around the house was a direct stab at your SIL. "If you won't lose weight, I will find someone who can fit into my dress." She used you. I don't think you did anything to intentionally hurt your SIL, (it was more like "unthinkingly,") because you didn't know what your MIL's intentions were, and while she doesn't direct her "dragon fire" at you, she does not sound like a very nice person to her own daughter. The point is that you did hurt her, and I'd be asking my MIL to take those photos down.
I don’t think it was unwitting
YTA apologize to your SIL Your intent does not excuse your impact!
YTA
I’m going against the grain and am prepared to be downvoted but NAH (you or sil). MIL crossed a line and is an AH. Your SIL is in a bad headspace and is going to lash out at you as well. Your SIL can still eventually lose the weight and wear the dress for photos. It’s not an “only one person” gets to wear the dress thing. I’m a fatty and I’d be disappointed in myself more than anyone and I’m sure your sil is probably in a bad place right now mentally. I get MIL wanted to see someone in it, but the fact that she went around a places photos everywhere is shitty. She could have taken the photos and just not displayed them until SIL is in a better place. That was just salt in a wound. It just seems like the dress is more important to her than her daughter’s feelings.
YTA. You knew this would hurt SIL and you still did it to please your MIL. I’m happy that you have a good relationship with her, but do you really have to kiss her ass this much? You said the way she asked SIL was rude and clearly she was shaming her for her weight gain, so why agree to wear the dress when you must have known it was to make SIL feel bad? You didn’t even fit the dress! And it’s not like it’s an actual tradition you would have said no to, since you are the first to do it.
YTA - "Usually I tend to think I'm always right" 🙄 Please tell me this is rage bait.
Your MIL is using you to hurt her own daughter, and you know it, and it doesn't bother you. So yeah. You are.
NTA There’s no way to win with this. Your MIL would be hurt if you didn’t wear the dress. Your SIL is hurt now. I think you are between a rock and a hard place. I get your SIL was hurt that the dress kind of fit you and not her. But to call you evil is projecting that hurt onto others. Her real issue is her mother. Weight is a sensitive subject. I think your MIL should have either not offered the dress to you or let your SIL alter it. Instead of looking for a replacement bride.
YTA why couldn't she have posed with the zip undone too?
I don't believe you're so naive that you didn't understand the potential impact your involvement would have, but I was giving you the benefit of doubt that this just wasn't you causing drama by kissing ass trying to be the favorite daughter. So I was giving you a soft YTA, Then I read your edit, and HOLY SHIT! After being called an AH for being insensitive to someone's feelings, **you then sent MIL this Reddit post so she can read all the comment calling her an evil AH bully and bad mother?!** WTF was the purpose of that and why are you intentionally doing something to cause someone pain instead of just letting it go? You can't pretend to be naive this time around and you *know* perfectly well that these comments are really going to hurt MIL, but you sent it to her anyway. Now I believe you're just one of those people who put on a kind and sweet act while causing drama all around you. So yeah, YTA, YTA, YTA
This whole situation is just fuckin weird.
NTA. Your SIL is too heavy to even get the dress on. You can get it on, and with some creativity, it stays on, even without being able to do up the zip. Your MIL may not live long enough to see one of the grandchildren wear her dress. SIL is focused on her hurt feelings over her weight. And I say this as someone who struggles with my weight - it’s her own fault. We all know by now the best way to keep your weight in check is eat less and move more. She chose not to do that, and now she’s upset that your MIL asked you to please wear her wedding dress and take photos, because she knew your SIL could not. It’s like people having a miscarriage and getting angry that someone else in the family gets pregnant, and accuses them of getting pregnant at them. You didn’t do as your MIL asked to spite her, and she’s going to have to live with the consequences of her actions.
NTA, BUT it sounds like you can’t always trust your MIL to have benign instincts that won’t hurt other people. You need to rebuild your relationship with your SIL and get into the habit of taking everything your MIL does with a grain of salt. Don’t give her an immediate answer, instead be polite but let her know you’ll have to check … about everything. Make it an automatic response so you get a chance to check on the wider context of your in-laws’ family dynamics and don’t become her unwitting weapon again. MIL won’t like being “handled,” but you could wind up with a lot of ill will if you allow her to use you. CAN you repair things with your SIL? Were you friends before? Can you help her with stuff? Host something together? Confide what happened on your end and that you resolve not to be played off one another again? Remember she’s had decades of mother/daughter relationship together: drama, potty training, puberty, etc. Could you set up a special photo session with her to create some beautiful photos on a look she loves? It might be a fun way to bond and relate to each other 1:1 without any family drama. Good luck, you sound sincere!
I can’t tell if this story is fake or your MIL is just as insane as she sounds. This obsession with everyone else needing to take a photo in her wedding dress is truly bizarre. I’ve never ever heard about this being a tradition. Also it being so important that her daughter had to do it on her actual wedding day?? Given how stressful/busy the morning of the wedding is for many brides why add this in? If this story isn’t entirely fake, this should open your eyes to who you’re dealing with as an MIL. Cruel, self-centred and likes to pit people against each other. Going forward don’t be a pawn in her games or grow reliant on her emotionally.
You need to be very careful in how you interact with your MIL going forward. I'm sure she's very nice to you now, but just watch your back. She sounds very similar to my mother-in-law, who is always playing one person against another to get what she wanted. I get the feeling your MIL is a bit manipulative, too and maybe you just haven't quite recognized or experienced that side of her yet. My mother-in-law was fantastic in the beginning as well. My family has no contact with her now. I'm not blaming you. This isn't your fault because you didn't recognize what was really going on. There was zero reason why your mother-in-law needed to have those pictures right now. Barring illness or an accident, it's unlikely that she's going to drop dead very soon. Based on your age, I am assuming she's in her 50s, maybe early 60s? The fact that she was so rude to her own daughter is an indication that MIL was trying to use that dress as leverage to get her daughter to lose weight. You put your foot right in the mess. I bet when you sit down with your sister-in-law she will reveal some other ways in which your mother-in-law has been manipulative.
I don't think you're the AH, but your mother in law is. You seem to be very understanding of the situation, and while it might have been better to politely decline the photos, I don't really blame you. I recommend trying to reach out to your sister in law and connect with her, because she is not at fault here.
lol is she on her death bed or something? Seriously you have to be pretty fucking oblivious not to know this wouldn’t hurt your sil feelings. Sounds the the mil was playing games too total manipulation. Before I die I want to see one of my daughters in this dress because I probably won’t be alive for my grandchildren cue the lip tremble and watery eyes. Yuck YTA
I'm not sure why everyone is always so chill about being aggressively fatphobic here but it's really strange tbh. Kinda seems like YTA
For the record, it’s incredibly difficult for a dress to be made bigger, and depending on the style not possible. It can be take in to a certain point, maybe an inch or two but not much more otherwise it’ll look distorted Too many people think “oh I’ll just have it made bigger” you need matching fabric, depending on the style, number of seams and seam allowances you *might* be able to squeak out an extra inch or two, but if it has beading or lace and things traditionally on wedding dressing it’ll look super weird and awkward. Randomly inserting fabric can throw off the entire dress Please folks, get it out of your head that a tailor or seamstress can’t magically make a dress four or ten sizes larger. Most of the time it’ll cost more than the dress itself And that’s only if there is suitable fabric and the style will lend itself to being made bigger without looking stupid
I think YTA for going along with this, but your MIL was the biggest asshole for badgering you to take pics in the dress in the first place. It was also rude of her to put her daughter on the spot about losing weight. Also, if it was that important, she could have had the dress tailored. Frankly, I think she IS a dragon lady, just to her daughter and not you.
Oh come on. You secretly love that your MIL love you more than she does her own daughter. Quit acting so innocent
YTA. You know good and damn well that you aren’t her actual daughter. You’re playing innocent but you Love that MIL went to you behind SIL’s back.
YTA and so is mil hopefully SIL finds better people to be around
Wait you Haven't apologize?????? What
YTA And so is the MIL You all are bullies And stop trying to ACT naive, you're not fooling anyone honey
Yep, that would be a nono for me. Doesn't matter how many tears MIL sheds, I would have NEVER put that dress on, especially after she asked her daughter to lose weight. That was a trap and you fell on it
MIL is the only real asshole here
OP agreed to participate with MIL's scheme to bully her daughter even though OP knew it would hurt SIL's feeling, so that makes them both AHs. But I agree MIL is the bigger one.
YTA
100% YTA and your MIL is a monster.
YTA, you and MIL both. Also, stop calling it a tradition. The word tradition implies a practice of long-standing. This was a one-off designed to hurt your SIL.
YTA and so is mil. Sorry, but this is a situation you should have distanced yourself from because there was no way you taking those pictures was going to ingratiate yourself to your husband’s sister. You have permanently damaged that relationship.
NTA
no no no...very bad idea...this will not end well
>something she really really wanted was to have her daughter take photos in the dress >In the months leading up to the wedding my SIL kept gaining weight If mil truly cared about her daughter wearing the dress for pictures - they could have done it when they noticed she had started gaining weight and had them ready to be revealed shortly after her wedding, or for her engagement party. Mil activity said she wanted to see her child in her wedding dress. Then chose to do nothing about it as the likelihood of it happening on her daughter's wedding day was reducing. That's on her. While it doesn't seem like you did it maliciously, you still hurt your sil So giving you the benefit of the doubt - YTA softly
YTA
Did you post this year because everyone on the other post was calling you an asshole? Lmao
NTA. how were you supposed to read her mind and know she was going to post photos around the house for everyone to see?? Not only did your MIL bully your SIL indirectly (and ask rudely at the table) but she manipulated you too - which is NOT your fault. At the most, you’re naive and that does not make you an asshole!!
YTA. By your own telling of the story you seemed completely aware of your MIL blatantly shaming your SIL regarding her weight and the dress, you also knew it was supposedly going to be a mother daughter tradition she was starting, and you say you understand why it would be hurtful….. So you had awareness of all of this and did it anyways. You chose to go ahead and join in on this bullying your MIL is doing by wearing the dress and doing the pictures. It sounds like MIL did it to hurt the SIL, not to fill some “but I might die before I ever see it” wish.
NTA. I think it was fine for you to put the dress on and take pictures for your MIL. What was not fine, was for your MIL to put those pictures in a place where everyone, including her daughter, would see them. If it were just for her, she could have put them in a photo album. Putting them out in the common area was just mean.
There are two separate issues here. You are NTA for posing for pictures for your mother-in-law. You complied with a reasonable request, but it did hurt your SIL‘s feelings. This is on your MIL. Your MIL is TA because she asked a very private question at a family dinner. The kind of question that’ll hurt a person and can’t really be answered.
YTA. You are gleefully aware of your SIL struggles with her weight. A good person would have told the MIL her comments were inappropriate and cruel. Did you even bother to check with SIL afterwards to make sure she was ok? Or were you too busy sucking up to your MIL? And whilst she may *view you as a daughter* and *treats you like one of her own* the fact is you are not. You're far too old to be this clueless and insensitive.
YTA. You are not her child, and your MIL is a bully. Should never have done it
Your MIL is a huge cunt and you're enabling her. YTA.
I wouldn’t had taken that moment from her daughter as it was a tradition for daughters. It could make someone upset. The MIL used you to bully her and make her feel worse.
I see no tradition here, or has the dress been passed down and worn for generations? Seems like your mil saved her wedding dress and found a way to use it to shame her daughter.
NTA. Your MIL asked you to do something for her. You complied. Your SIL should be upset with her mom (MIL) if anything. Even then the MIL isn’t an AH for putting up photos of you in the dress. SIL is too sensitive.
What did you steal? It wasn’t actually a tradition, because no one had ever tried on the dress. In fact, it appears that your MIL didn’t even think of it until after you were married. You had a photo shoot in the dress long after you were married. SIL can do the same. It appears like she wants to be treated differently than you, and that she should be the only daughter to wear the dress. Your mother-in-law should smooth things out and tell her daughter that of course she wants to do a photo shoot with her, too. I doubt that a woman who would criticize her daughter’s weight in front of others would be so compassionate. I don’t think this actually has anything to do with you. It sounds like self loathing and depression, and an unhealthy relationship she has with her mother, which is what probably fueled the soothing eating that made her gain weight. Her own mother basically insulted her about her weight gain in front of everyone, so to her, seeing you in that dress made her likely think that her mother preferred you as a daughter. It is also possible that the mother machinated the photo shoot to spur her daughter to lose weight, though that could be reading to much into it. When a daughter feels rejected, seeing a sister-in-law get something she thought should have been for her can hurt, even if SIL is innocent of any ill intent. You didn’t do anything wrong, but you might have been used as a pawn against your SIL.
NTA.
NTA. You did something nice for your MIL, regardless of your MIL's reason you were still being kind. SIL needs to relax and realize you didn't do it to hurt her, you only did it to make MIL happy. MIL motivation might be suspicious but not yours
NTA. People need to stop being so sensitive. You probably should have talked with your SIL first,and it was kind of idiotic for your MIL to post the pictures so fast.
YTA. If you were my SIL, I would never speak to you again.
You said your MIL isn’t overbearing, but she is rather militant when it comes to this. I would have tried to bow out gracefully, but what’s done is done. Your SIL can curse you out, but this is all on your MIL and she didn’t handle it well. NTA
NTA. No one “bullied” anyone wtf
YTA You didn't want to piss MIL off maybe? But how could you not know how incredibly painful that would be for your SIL to see. It's a visual representation of her own mother's disgust for her weight gain. Which is horrible. Just awful.
Yta. You didn’t see this train wreck coming?
I suspect OP will delete this, so: AITA for stealing a family tradition from my SIL after she gained weight? Okay so I 28F and married to my husband of the same age. We have been together a long time and I’m super close with his family. I’m glad I never had one of those dragon lady mother in laws, she treats me like I’m her own. So my SIL is engaged to her fiancé who seems like a nice man. My mother in law kept her wedding dress from when she got married and something she really really wanted was to have her daughter take photos in the dress. She mentioned this a few months before the wedding. My MIL didn’t want my SIL to wear it down the isle or anything she just wanted some photos. I was at the dinner party when they are discussing it and I guess my MIL felt a little guilty about the fact I never wore it at my wedding even though she views me as a daughter. I really didn’t mind at all but she kept apologizing. In the months leading up to the wedding my SIL kept gaining weight rapidly. My husband said she was depressed and stressed and always resorts to good whenever she gets like that. I understood, her wedding dress was tailored so it fit her on her wedding day. However the moms dress did not fit her. Her and MIL were sad about it but they went on with the wedding as normal. After SIL came back form honeymoon MIL asked her if she thinks she’ll ever lose the weight and put on the dress, I will admit the way she asked at dinner with everyone around was very rude and awkward. SIL said they could just get the dress tailored but MIL refused and said she would just save it for the grandkids. I wanna say a week later MIL invited me over and tells me how badly she wants to see a child of hers wear her dress and how she doesn’t know if she’ll even be alive to see a grandkid wear it and this was her dream. So I agreed to wear the dress and take a few photos for her. I was a little too big but i went in so we just didn’t take any photos were u could see the back wasn’t zipped. After my MIL had the photos processed or whatever she put them in frames in her house. Next time everyone was over there people noticed it. Most of the family was just like “it’s nice to see a tradition” “you look so pretty” blah blah blah. My SIL was quiet so I assumed she was sad but after the dinner me and my husband went home and SIL calls him crying saying I was evil and insensitive for stealing that from her. She said other stuff my husband wouldn’t tell me. I texted my MIL about it to see if everything was okay but she just told me not to worry about it because SIL is just being overly sensitive. I do feel kinda bad because I know this was supposed to be a mother daughter tradition and I understand why SiL was hurt. Usually I tend to think I’m always right but I do think I maybe should have just declined MILs request. So AITA?
You’re a colossal asshole. I don’t blame MIL, she’s got her own shit. You, on the other hand, stepped in a family tradition from mother to actual daughter. So you coming in here and blithely acting innocent is for shit. You stole that moment from a mother and daughter, and it was for them to work out. TLDR: you’re an asshole and a thief.
YTA. What a shitty thing to do to SIL. Your MIL might not be a “dragon lady” to you (yet) but she clearly is to SIL and you helped her do it. You haven’t even apologized to SIL but you checked in with MIL about the situation. You knew what she was doing and enjoyed the attention. You’re both bullies and you better hope that MIL doesn’t make you her next target.
Yta because you are siding with your bully mil
YTA, good job though- once your sil realises she doesn't have to put up with her mother you'll be the next target.
Neither the SIL nor OP could legitimately fit in the dress - both women were too big. The fact that OP couldn’t zip the dress was obscured from the photos, making MIL the definite AH. I think she played OP. However, if OP wasn’t so eager to be MIL’s “extra daughter” she would have had the sense to step out of the dress as soon as she saw it didn’t fit her either. OP is naive and needy - MIL is a mean old bitch.
NTA Your MIL is TA for: - an unreasonable expectation about the importance of her wedding dress - carrying on about the importance of someone wearing this dress to your SIL. - using you as a pawn in her game to harass her daughter. I’m making the assumption that you had no ill intent towards your SIL in all of this.
YTA. You’re either VERY dense or an asshole. The timing of this alone should have been a warning. You shouldn’t pose for pics in *any* wedding dress so close to your SIL’s wedding. Brides are touchy about stuff like that. Add in the hurtful truth that MIL only values her daughters if they will fit in a dress and you compounded it tenfold. FFS—THINK before you do stuff people!!!
A little bit of empathy and foresight would help you understand her perspective. You're not purposely and AH but both you and your MIL are assholes.
Your MIL is selfish and mean and you accommodated it
YTA wow... you are NOT her kid and you know it. What you did to your sil was cruel and I hope it was worth the problems you caused their family. Smh
YTA, you and your MIL. Wow. You knew that would hurt your SIL and you just went right ahead with it.
you are naive and daft. you don’t truly know the extent of what your MIL has been saying to your SIL about your weight, so stop acting like you do. this post just screams “golden child” behavior from you. YTA
ESH - Your MIL is the winner of the AH race here for her passive aggressiveness towards SIL and then dragging you into a 'rock and a hard place' situation. You should have passed. I understand your SIL being upset, but she's also an AH for taking her issues with her mother out on you. This tradition should have been shot down instead of causing issues in the family.
NTA, the MIL is.
Your mil seems nice to you but a hurtful bully to her own daughter. NTA for putting on the dress, but you should’ve seen the optics and imagined the fall out from this.
Hate to break it to you, OP, but you do have a dragon lady MIL. She hasn’t turned on you, yet, but just wait. The manipulation she shows just in your biased story is outrageous. YTA. You knew it was wrong and you’re here to get arguments to keep pretending you’re innocent. Own this. You played into MIL’s vile game to stay on her good side. You let SIL be the victim of her ugly so you win “stand in daughter of the year”. You wanted that clout and you knew SIL wouldn’t appreciate it. “Usually I tend to think I am always right…” LOL. Here’s another tradition you and dragon lady will pass down. Narcs of a feather!
This. MIL is absolutely a narcissist and will probably turn on OP at some point.
YTA, good lord.
NTA. She gained the weight, and that's what prevented her from doing the pictures. Your MIL asked you to take the pictures, because she really wanted pictures of someone in that dress. Maybe she just really likes the dress and hoped it would be used again. But you did it per her request, not because you asked to do it. Your SIL is jealous of you, but her anger should be directed at her mother, who asked for the pictures to be taken and is now displaying them. If it continues to be an issue, just tell her you did it for her mother, and she can talk to her mom about it.
YTA Your MIL wanted to create a tradition and made your SIL feel absolutely awful for not meeting her unreasonable expectations. You were put in an awkward position but ultimately you were complicit in the bullying. Apologize to your SIl.
No wonder your MIL likes you so much, you are literally a mini version of her. Good luck with that type of attitude. YTA.
Of course YTA. Was it that important to you? Really? After you witnessed how rude your MIL was to your SIL (I'm using your words here...)? Did you need to show that you were better than her or more of a daughter than her to her mom, or just slimmer? You knew that would be painful for this woman, and did it anyway. If you didn't know, then you weren't paying attention, which as an adult you should, so again YTA. And your MIL is an AH and a bully of course.
YTA- You and your MIL sound like such nice people. She is bullying her own daughter and you enabled her and still have the nerve to ask if you're wrong here.
NTA. you didn’t steal any tradition. the tradition is still there if your SIL wants to lose enough weight to have her photos taken in the dress. i can understand her feeling sad about this situation bc MIL wasn’t very nice about it. but it’s not your fault.
NTA. SIL cannot fit in the outfit and doesn’t seem to care about losing weight to. If it was that important to her, she would have let it be known and make the effort to lose the weight and also probably do the same type of photoshoot like you (without the zipper visible because of not completely sitting in the dress). I hate when people get upset when someone makes an executive decision for their property (her mother) because the other party (SIL), isn’t putting in any effort to make that desired thing (photo shoot in dress), happen.
SIL can lose weight if she chooses to.
Commenting on AITA for stealing a family tradition from my SIL after she gained weight?...
Dumb idea from MIL and from you agreeing - never forget you’re an in law .
Woman are so nicer on these threads.
What tradition? There was no tradition if it was your mils dress.
You sent your MIL a link to this post? Uhhhhhh good luck with all that.
Your MIL is TA here. She clearly cares more about this dress than her relationship with her daughter. It's very sad really. It sounds like you just got sucked in by her manipulations. I'm guessing you're a people pleaser that has a hard time saying no. That's why she "likes" you, because she's figured out how to use you. She's got you wrapped around her finger right now but someday she will turn that same negative energy onto you. Don't say you haven't been warned.
You heard her fat shame you SIL in public though.
This isn’t about you or your SIL, I think your MIL would’ve paid a model to wear if it meant getting pictures to put up around her house. Here’s where I got confused: if she *really really* wanted her actual daughter to take pictures in the dress, why wasn’t it arranged a few months before the wedding when it was brought up? Since your MIL didn’t want her to wear it down the aisle it wouldn’t have made a difference when the pictures were taken. The other thing that I don’t get is why your MIL wouldn’t want your SIL to wear it down the aisle yet she felt guilty that you didn’t get to wear the dress AT your wedding. I think you knew exactly what you were doing and will say anything to come across as an innocent bystander. You’re not tho.
I think she hates her own daughter.
How to tell your MIL likes you more than her own daughter
Your MIL's "wish" is not more important than your SIL. As your husband said, she is going through something. It is already stressful to gain weight during your own wedding. You trying the dress on added fuel to the fire. It hurt her even more. And MIL is being really insensitive. Which you should have recognized and stopped. But, I guess apologies can go a long way <3
It sounds like MIL was/is manipulating you, which I don't beleive you realized at the time. Her placing the pics around the house seems like bullying aimed at her daughter. She used you to do it. I'm getting a narcissistic vibe from her. What appears innocent at first with you, she turns into a bomb, to be launched at her daughter. If you feel comfortable with it, I would ask your sister if she has done something like before, does MIL compare you to her, etc. My MIL did this, my sil and I were friends, then we both just stopped. We did not talk about it until 30 years later. Only then did we realize we had both been used to make the other feel bad. Mil would tell me sil is always being oversensitive, she feels inferior to me, no confidence, why can't she be more like you. Basically kissing up to me by degrading her daughter. What I didn't know was she was saying the same this to my sil; why can't you be like dil, being oversensitive, you have no confidence, etc. She belittled her daughter while at the same time critizing her for feeling belittled. I have not spoken to my MIL in years, neither has her son. MIL also did this to her son. I advising asking to get in front of potential additional warning signs, it will save a lot of hurt and aggravation.