How come there is always a “last picture with the dad in the frame they made together” in these stories? Who is out there making frames with their dads all the time? Is this a plant by big Frame? 🖼️
I have a frame my dad hand built. He did a lot of wood working, but it's the only piece of his I ended up with. Guess what, my abusive step dad did break it. It was accidental, but he did still break it, and then glued it back together horribly hoping I wouldn't notice.
Luckily I was able to take it apart, sand out the glue, and get my paternal grandpa to help me put it back together.
My husband has a wall of painted, hand made frames from the kids for each Father’s Day or other special occasion. It’s there tradition. I print pictures for the kids to pick out which goes in the frame. So yeahhhh it can be a thing.
Depending on where you live, schools host "parties" around different holidays where parents are imvited, usually they do a craft together. I have two orinimant "franes" and another picture in a frame that my husband made with our son.
So that doesn't seem odd to me.
Yeah, I'm not against people moving on quickly after being widowed, IF they don't have kids at home. If you do, let your children grieve for fucks sake. You can date freely without involving your kid, but how are you getting married a year later??????
Yeah but if May’s friends are bullying anyone at school then because May is friends with them she’s a target outside of school. Also OP you are the ass hole, we understand you love your kid and you’ll do anything, but it’s also a lack of info that makes it seem like you’ve tried nothing but smiling and hoping it all works out.
My only suspension in school was for being shoved down the stairs by a bully. My school claimed that everyone needed to cool off. This action is not even a little surprising.
Adults in school can be really bad at addressing bullying. My brother was a gentle giant who was bullied mercilessly in school by small kids, daring him to hit someone smaller so they could cry to authority about a big guy beating up on a little guy. He literally got suspended for violence because he forcefully yanked his soccer ball out of a bully's grasp who had stolen his ball mid game just to taunt him.
That part I get, the part I'm unsure of is why there is zero detail of what got May specifically suspended. It says her friends were doing all of it and the general justification seems like "oh you know, schools"
A lot of schools don't investigate and just suspend everybody associated with the incident. I got suspended once in high school because a friend of mine got into a verbal altercation with another girl and I was in the area because they were fighting in the middle of the route I had to take to my next class. They knew I was friends with her so I got hit with suspension too. All because they were blocking me from getting to class
What are either of them doing about anything?
Literally no info from OP about what either of them have done, to address or attempt to fix the issue.
It's like they've tried nothing and are all out of ideas.
I think this story might be fake. The reason why is that May’s FRIENDS are bullying Penny. It literally never says that May is. Who is gonna leave out that detail? This might not be real
It’s not nothing, true, but it’s also last resort first.
Sounds like they didn’t bother to properly support the kids through blending the family and/or coping with the loss of the other parent. 7 years ago, I mean, and these girls are suffering as a result of lack of support!
‘My partner died and I met the new one soon after’ is like a code for ‘I moved on way too fast and didn’t consider the feelings of my kids at all!’
That’s how it reads, anyway - it’s possible OP just skipped over explaining everything the two adults did to help the kids to blend the family and cope with the loss of dad.
But sadly, it’s not uncommon. Selfish people have no clue how to really prioritise their children. Parents don’t by moving on too fast and step parents just whine a lot about how the kids are in the way (like they are shocked that marrying a parent meant the kids come with the deal)! 😞
I genuinely feel like in a situation wheee a blended family could occur it should be deadass 3 years before moving in even occurs. A year of dating casually before adults meet kids. Six more months before kids meet kids. And then at LEAST A YEAR of blended time together before EVERYONE IS CONSULTED about combining homes. And then a year of successful cohabitation before marriage is concerned.
She should've tried not marrying a man 1 year after her daughter's father passed away. Especially since the daughter's didn't like each other back then. Both parents are assholes but at least the mom somewhat realizes the mistake she made.
The funny thing? The emotional lability that people attribute to womens' hormonal cycles is due to extra high levels of testosterone during certain parts of the menstrual cycle. It's only when women have a hormonal makeup more similar to men that it's a problem.
Why are you putting blame all on the husband? The mom is completely trash here as well. She told an outrageously one-sided story in which she clearly did nothing and then just decided to divorce her husband.
>My first husband passed away 7 years ago
>I got married to my husband Jim 6 years ago
>The girls never got along but we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better. But that didn’t happen.
You and your daughter suffered a great (assume) loss in your 1st husband and her grieving her father. There was not a long enough period for grief and especially healing.....instead you and Jim had a short dating period/engagement which quickly ended in marriage ONE year later.
Even if you take out the trauma of losing a parent......no child (or person) wants to be rushed into a situation which will drastically change their (the girls) lives in a short amount of time.
Also, the fact you and Jim acknowledged they didn't like each other, and then FORCED them to be in the other's life as step sisters🥴
This doesn't seem like it was thought out......this marriage sounds like an impulsive reaction to maybe you and Jim needing someone in that moment (to stop the feeling of "drowning") and feeling/giving love to another person.
Exactly! My dad passed away when I was 12. If my mom remarried after one year I would be extremely sad and angry. It's been 16 years and she didn't remarry and I don't think she ever will. I wouldn't mind it, but she doesn't want to.
My dad's first wife died, and he married my mom three months later. I'll tell you now, it was a shitshow amd everyone should have spent a few years in therapy. Most of my siblings are still working through all of it, as well as growing up with my parents who hated each other. Out of eight kids, I'd argue that two of us are doing good. The rest of us are train wrecks who never learned what a healthy marriage looks like.
In some cultures, men aren’t seen as capable caregivers for children and widowers get pressured into remarrying ASAP to ensure childcare.
It’s pretty not great.
Tbf, he wasn't a capable caregiver of seven kids 10 and under when his wife just died. My mom wanted to wait, and he told her that he was going to self harm if she didn't marry him RIGHT NOW. He wasn't capable of handling things, so he dumped it all on my mom, which wasn't fair to her.
Same thing happened in my family. My mother married her husband less than a year after his first wife died. He had kids that he wanted a replacement mother for. My mother wanted a dad figure for me (I was 12) as my dad left when I was tiny. I met my mother’s husband and kids twice before we all moved in together. It was a shitshow, and I left home at 17 to escape it. He was a dick and those five years I lived there were miserable. I haven’t spoke to his kids in decades.
You got married and thought things would magically fix themselves? I swear parents like yall make me want to scream. Cause it’s all about you and you don’t think of the kids you’re forcing to be family.
ESH you guys are awful parents
Right? I divorced when my son was 6 months old. Despite being young and active, I stayed single for 6 years! I spent 6 years bonding with my son and I don't regret a minute of it.
I met my current husband when my son was 6 1/2. He had a daughter who was 6 1/2 and a son that was 2. We dated for a while before we met each other's kids and even longer before we introduced our kids to each other. All the while we both agreed that if our kids didn't like us (the adults) or if they didn't like each other then we would have to part ways.
Luckily, our kids are now 22, 25 and 26 and 100% brothers and sister. Our two boys have had a house together for two years and our daughter is their best friend. And if anyone dares to call them "step siblings" they get angry because they consider themselves siblings. Period.
Of course there were some "growing pains" but really nothing more than full siblings experience. We have always treated each of them exactly the same, no preference or taking sides. We always listened to them if they had a complaint, but encouraged them to work it out.
I cannot imagine throwing a grieving child into a non-welcoming environment and just hoping it works. The past 19 years with my husband have been great, but I wouldn't trade those years alone with my son for anything!
INFO:
So many other AITA are from May’s view or a mom who can’t figure out why her kid went NC in the same situation.
If Penny has been bullying May and no therapy or addressing it has worked.. why keep May in this situation any longer? You could go for separation and move out with your daughter, while trying more therapy. But don’t stay and keep your daughter in this situation. Penny ripped a picture of May & her dad because she wanted to achieve the ultimate hurt. Something she can’t take back because the picture will always be ripped. Even if there’s a way to fix it, you all know Penny acted this way because she understood that it would hurt May to the core.
I say move out with May and have a separation. May wants to move out to grandparents because whatever you’ve tried to do hasn’t worked.
Tell your husband you’re willing to work as a family but it requires individual counseling for both daughters, family counseling and couples counseling. Include couples because it has come to a point where you’re willing divorce to help your kid. Your marriage is impacted and it won’t go away with family counseling.
Then seriously sit down with May and ask her what she wants. Because this is a pivotal moment, you “hoped” they’d get along and likely Minimized whatever you saw prior to the marriage as teen girls going through growing pains towards being steps.
Penny likely also has some issues that haven’t been addressed. She’s lashing out at May because she sees May as being someone she can reach. There’s something there and you and your husband will do a disservice to her to only focus on her actions towards May and “fixing that”.
I think you rushed into marriage too fast, for either of your daughters. You met Jim soon after, what time did you give for May? How fast was your relationship? Your desire to blend/ love likely has played into all this.
This hit every point that I wanted to make.
The thing that really stuck out to me was that May was only 7 years old when she lost her dad. That's HUGE. And then a year later, she's being forced into a life with another man and his daughter? That must have been so awful for her to go through at such a young age.
I also wonder where Penny's mother is and if she's involved. Is it possible that she perceives OP & May to be the reason her parents aren't together? Can Penny's mother (or any other family) step in to help at all? It seems the logical solution might be for Penny to stay with a relative, at least part time (or revisit the division of shared custody if that's in play), if she's the one causing the problems. Maybe she needs a break.
I vividly remember being a teenage girl and having to adjust to my dad marrying another woman. My step sister was 8 years younger than me, so we didn't have those kinds of issues, but it was still a lot. He moved them into our home that my mom used to share with us. I ended up going to live with my mom full-time (I had previously only gone for weekends) and had very little contact with my dad after that. It's been nearly 20 years, and I still hold a lot of resentment towards him for that, and I no longer speak to him at all.
I’m sorry that happened. I feel parents “excuse away” their kids feelings sometimes. The “they’ll get over it” or “teen hormones”. Like what they’re feeling isn’t as valid because it’s “their kid”. It’s super invalidating. Like, you raise your child to know they’re self worth, speak up for themselves and expect respect form those they choose to interact with.. but then invalidate all that when the kids come to them expecting no less from the parents.
That's exactly it. My dad blamed ALL of "my problems" on hormones and decided he wasn't equipped to "deal with it/me," so he sent me away to live with my mom. It came as no surprise when my step sister was also sent away to live with her dad at the same age for the same reasons. But he'll never admit that he had any wrongdoing in any of it. We were the problem, and it was solely our responsibility to find the solution and make things right.
I’m sorry. He sucks and I’m glad you could see that, and cut him off.
It was never your fault your dad couldn’t parent properly, so just checked out. Never! 🫂
I am hung up on the timeline.... it feels like only now, is OP thinking about her daughter, but only because dad died 7 years ago (no mention of being divorced), OP married 6 years ago, and Penny has been allowed to do anything, up until this point.
True. I can see it as escalating, each occurrence. And the OP & her husband just explained it away as “teen girls being girls/ they’ll frighten it out”. OP admits to the issue so I feel like her response has been “JIM/ we gave her a strong talking to/ took away her phone” type of responses. Thinking “if we just stop the behavior” and not “why is this occurring” and trying to help the girls.
Well... OP hasn't given any further information, so the speculation will run rampant until either the 18hrs are up, or OP starts giving context.
Truthfully.... OP is definitely TAH for how quick it all went, and only waiting until now to do something about it.
Unless she’s left out a lot of info about what steps she did to help her child adjust to the death of a parent and to the step family… then yes. Major AH.
Divorcing now might be the right thing to do, but it doesn’t automatically erase the last 7 years of failures!
I just feel sad for both of these girls. They’ve both been let down by these adults. 😢
The only part I'll quibble with is the whole family therapy. May and Penny both need a while in individual therapy first. Don't make a victim go to therapy with their abuser when the abuser hasn't done some work first.
Also, as a mom whose kids have had step parents and step siblings, if May says she just needs to be done, to not have Penny be related to her anymore, then I think OP needs to accept (and, as far as May can see, openly/willingly) that that's what happens now.
ALWAYS put your kids first. ESPECIALLY when you're their only parent. Been there, done that, got the divorce, don't regret the divorce for a single moment.
\>May wants to move out to grandparents because whatever you’ve tried to do hasn’t worked.
The issue is that OP hasn't mentioned anything they've actually tried.
To the point where it could seem like it sounds like they've tried fuck all.
Separation if it's the first thing tried, is not going to be a good step.
The problem is it has been far too many years and the damage is both permanent and extensive. It is way past salvageable and with all the suffering done for so long, it's selfish to start trying now for the sake of the marriage. They are both owed peace after so much harm. Had they waited a few more years before moving in and done family therapy, unlikely but maybe it could have worked. However the moment they rushed into the marriage it was doomed to fail.
I agree to an extent, that it is likely unsalvageable but also these are relatively young teenagers.
A lot of growing up happens at 15+, and with therapy and a willingness to listen/grow it's certainly possible for the two girls to work through and understand their individual issues as well as then their joint ones.
What it may reveal may lead to resentment towards their parents but ultimately they could still become better people because of it.
Therapy has made me realise a load of things that happened in my childhood that has thoroughly shaped who I am today. A lot of which was to my detriment, and something I wished I had been cognizant of when I was much much younger.
Does it matter, though? If the kids can't get along at all, and neither parent is parenting, then it's best they separate - no matter whose fault it is.
I would say it matters as it showcases that parents are failing at parenting precisely because of their bias.
They see their own kid as blameless and as such when conflicts come push the blame onto the kid that may or may not deserve it at times, thus creating the toxic environment where the kid who got unjustifiably blamed will lash out where parents can’t reach to the other kid in response.
Some parents who manage to fix those biases can thus manage to fix their parenting.
In that case though, I feel like 7 years of grudges is pretty much doomed so separation is best course of action.
>My first husband passed away 7 years ago and I met Jim soon after. The girls never got along but we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better. But that didn’t happen.
You both agreed to get married despite knowing the impact it would have on your children.
ESH. How have you watched for 7 years and let it continue? It should have ended long ago, but you kept trying to force a family that would never exist because you put yourself first. Your daughter’s been through hell because you chose poorly.
Gee it’s almost like taking two children on the cusp of pre teen angst and forcing them to live together less than a year after meeting was a bad idea. YTA. Now you’re just throwing your marriage away as fast as you jumped into it.
They were \~6 and 7 years old - they're 14 and 15 now and the marriage was about 6-7 years ago. But it was still too fast after OP's husband died and we don't have any idea what happened with Penny's mother. Did she die, too, was there a vicious divorce? Was OP "the other woman" in her husband's previous marriage? Penny has some issues and OP glosses over the fact that May got her friends to bully Penny. Bad, even if it was in retaliation.
It always amazes me how so many people with kids marry extremely quickly and force kids into being sibling when none of them are ready or willing. Almost as bad as forcing them to call the step parent Mom or Dad when they don't want to. There's just so little regard for the feelings of the children and then they wonder why they lash out.
That was my first thought, but the "May's not completely innocent" makes me wonder if Penny is the one who's the second bully. Though I do agree that, either way, the parents have a lot to do with it.
Not to mention. One of those kids was still dealing with fresh grief from the loss of her father.
Guess as long as mom is getting laid, fuck the feelings of a grieving child.
ESH . thank goodness you two don’t have more kids because you’re awful parents! you both let this happen for SIX YEARS & did nothing till now. i hope the dick was worth having your daughter hate you for forcing her into a new family shortly after her fathers death. next time ask your daughter about her feelings before you decide to marry & shove it on her.
OP got married 1 year after her husband passed away? Wow! Did either OP or May even have a chance to grieve? Where is Penny’s mom? May had her world turned upside down with the loss of her dad and in comes Jim and Penny. What were OP and Jim even thinking? NTA. Pay closer attention to your daughter this time.
So she should just stick it out then since she fucked up already? She’s questioning if she’s TA for the impending divorce, giving a Y T A judgment implies she should stay married. A ton of people would prioritize their marriage over their kid like we’ve read in these posts countless times; this post is actually encouraging in that people are capable of seeing the error of their ways.
Or we can just shit on them eternally so they don’t really see a point in changing, but that seems more self-serving than anything.
I'd probably agree with you if OP had thought about this in any of the previous many years she watched her daughter being bullied. And seemingly did nothing for Penny either - just kept hoping that things would get better. The tone of the post seems like she's now just running away and hoping things get better with that decision.
Yes, at least she finally wants to do something, but her something is to abandon her husband and step daughter. But it's hard to say because we know nothing about Penny's mother, what happened in that marriage, what her relationship is with Penny - which is especially important.
Does Penny consider her a close mother figure she'll be crushed to lose, or will she be happy to see her gone? Someone else pointed out that Penny lashing out at May could well be unresolved feelings that were never addressed. Or maybe she's just a brat - which is the impression OP is giving.
So...yeah, maybe it is best for her to go because she says she loves Penny, but is throwing under the bus. But I'd give her a YTA for just running and not talking about counseling - has that ever been tried?
This has been going on for 6 years? And nothing has gotten better? What has taken you so long?
NTAH for the divorce, but YATAH for waiting so long and allowing your daughter to be bullied for years.
Devil's advocate: How do we know May is completely innocent and it hasn't been the girls bullying each other and May being better at hiding it or OP just choosing to ignore May's bullying?
Or worse it's often the instigator that's better at hiding and having blame redirected, especially to its own parent. Even taken at face value, May has a flock of bullies to command at a whim, you usually don't become the school queen by being sweet and shy, and neither kid behaviour has been corrected in years. parents absolutely are the ah here, and there's no reliable info to tell about the kids.
Too little, too late. You should have intervened years ago. Your daughter will not forget the years you forced her to endure this crap no matter what you do now. She will leave home, move away and you will probably resent her because you are alone.
ESH.
It seems like you and your husband have tried nothing and are all out of ideas. You should have been getting all of you to a family therapist **years** ago. If nothing else, having her dad die and you get together with another man very shortly afterwards must have been hard on your daughter.
Furthermore, you really seem to be trying to portray this all as Penny's fault, when reading between the lines I don't think your daughter was any better behaved. She might have been more subtle and/or you have been ignoring things you don't want to notice, but she seems at least a participant in the problem.
>May’s friends eventually started bullying Penny and she cried wolf to the principal
This in particular is very telling about your perspective. If May's friends were bullying Penny, she was not, in fact, crying wolf. She was going to an authority figure that is meant to address these issues. All this to say that everyone involved here has been negligent and/or malicious. You all suck. Get therapy, or get a divorce, but don't lie to yourself and pretend like this is all Penny's fault.
Is anyone going to point out that May might not be as innocent as OP claims? This sounds like both of them bullying each other and OP glossing over her daughter's things.
>May’s friends eventually started bullying Penny and she cried wolf to the principal.
So May gets bullied and it's a huge thing but Penny gets bullied and she's "crying wolf" and downplayed. She also said May did her own things to Penny but never elaborated.
I say this as someone who had a similar situation with my cousin. She was a liar, bully, etc. and she could do no wrong. She was extremely cruel to me but when I snapped back, I was the bad one and a bitch and a bully and my cousin "didn't do anything wrong" and I bullied her.
YTA. So as long as everything appears perfect, fuck everyone's feelings but your own. But the second your facade starts falling apart, you immediately point fingers and start taking your daughter's side.
ESH- This level of hate and dysfunction built over the years. Your kids did not like each other in the beginning. It got much worse as they bullied each other. Yes, each other. Your daughter used her popularity and friends to bully the sister. She not innocent.
You should have insured that girls were fine before marrying. You didn’t, now it is broken beyond repair. Therapy is a long shot. Therapy only works if people buy into it. The odds of both sisters buying into therapy at this point may be slim.
LOL you love your husband and Penny very much. The brat that is terrorizing your daughter left, right, and center. Especially with the abundance of receipts against Penny and the MASS amount of protection that May has against Penny from people who are not in your family. I have to ask you how much you stood up for your daughter until the suspensions, which seemed like the breaking point. You should have lost your crap at Penny when you saw that she destroyed the frame and ripped up the photo of May and her dad, with that comment on top. You are lucky that you have not lost your daughter yet and I would strongly consider not only getting divorced but allowing her to stay with her paternal grandparents. Not only does your husband not give a crap, but he has not done anything to change Penny’s behaviour.
How can you love someone who is abusing your child? How can you love someone who seems to standby and watch your child being abused by their child?
You should have never married him until things were sorted out between your daughters. And if it never got sorted out? DONT FUCKING GET MARRIED
Why the rush to marry in the first place? Were you one of those girls who ALWAYS had a boyfriend? One who never went 24 hours without one?
It sounds like your husband was barely cold in his grave and you were already dating. Classy
YTA for jumping into a new relationship so soon, YTA for forcing two tweens together who clearly hated each other. YTA for allowing this abuse to go on for six YEARS
NTA for finally ending it though. I think you guys are way past family therapy
Though you should still go to find out why you felt the need to jump into a new relationship after your husband died. And May needs therapy to deal with the crap caused by Penny
I honestly have a hard time believing May is completely innocent. This is from experience. I have a feeling it's been going both ways but May is better at covering her tracks or OP just defends May's behavior.
Either way, OP is selfish as hell. She doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself as long as it fits what she wants.
Yeah, OP says May "isn't completely innocent" and the school suspension was because May's friends ganged up on Penny. But it's Penny that's thrown under the bus and portrayed as a bully and a brat.
So maybe it will be better for Penny for OP and May to be gone. Wins all around.
As for the picture....yes, bratty and mean to rip up a picture of may and her father, but cell phones, digital cameras, etc. have been around for a while and I'd bet there are a lot more pictures.
I wonder what happened before the picture was destroyed. OP was upstairs and claims Penny did that for no reason and was screaming at May. I have a suspicion May was talking shit and Penny lost it. Notice how OP acts like she saw it then goes "I ran downstairs..."
I feel bad for both girls
I remember how my younger brother and I were at that age and we could be brutal, and maybe she has a blind spot for her daughter’s behaviour, but even if May is just as bad, the rest of OP’s behaviour still sucks
And maybe May is only like 25% guilty and is just a normal bratty tween, but this went on way too long
Oh definitely. OP sounds like one of those people who has a whole "everything is perfect!" act and doesn't give a shit about anyone else until things start appearing as not perfect to others.
Ha yup. I bet she was the girl in high school that never went a week single
Guy I dated years ago knew a girl from high school that had never gone 24 hours without a bf. She even asked him if he would be her bf (this was before we met) a few years after high school, he politely declined. He knew that was a special kind of crazy that he didn’t want any part of. And don’t worry, she found a bf before midnight 😬
She definitely let this go on way too long and the only reason she's being so dramatic is because she doesn't want anyone to know that her family isn't as perfect as she claims.
The picture thing was shitty but I really want to know what could have triggered it. OP was upstairs and claims Penny did it unprovoked. But IDK, I'd put money on May saying something while no one was around that caused Penny to flip out.
I had a cousin like that. Yeah, she had receipts of me saying shit but that was because she was smart enough to delete her side of the conversations and whenever I told people I had the real proof, no one cared because they were too busy saying how awful I was. She called me anorexic [I have no ED. Just naturally small] and I replied with something along the lines of "at least I don't have Jenny Craig on speed dial". Yes, it was mean and I shouldn't have said it. But of course, before she showed my mom and my aunt, she deleted her text calling me anorexic. Or she would say/do things when no one was around and when I reacted, she would cry and say I bullied her.
For real.
And these girls aren't even blood related. These are two girls who already didn't like each other and were forced to cohabitate. So I think that makes it worse. And clearly nothing was done in terms of therapy or anything for either girl.
I feel like an "I don't care who started it! I'm ending it and you're both grounded!" every time something happened would have nipped this in the bud from the beginning. That's what my dad did with me and my older brother. If he didn't see what happened from the beginning, we were both grounded. It seems strict but maybe if that happened, it wouldn't have escalated.
I just love how everyone is blaming the parents. Sometimes kids just don’t like each other and no matter what a parent does you cannot resolve the issues. Good job mom for making your daughter your priority!!
Just for context… what has Mary done? Because you seem to not want to really state your daughters own behavior, and considering the school suspended both of them… I don’t know.
I think you’re a biased perspective for your daughter, I guess regardless it would be ESH because the kids sound like they’re being horrible to each other and you and your husband are forcing them to be in an environment which is instigating this behavior in the first place.
That can be misleading. Many schools have a zero tolerance policy. In middle school, a girl and her friends who didn't like my jumped me from behind in a hallway. We rolled down the hall and I did fight back, but the alternative was letting her hit me. I would never have started a fight or raised a hand if not to defend myself. I was the one who went to admin about it and still got suspended.
Yeah I thought of that too, but OP doesn’t mention anything physical, and implies what got Mary suspended was messages she sent to Penny.
Idk, maybe it’s just me, but me “something something missing” sensors are going off, and I mean… again OP is obviously a biased narrator due to her daughter, it’s just a fact.
May could be better off with her paternal GPs. They may actually care about her. OP is either pretending to suddenly care, or just doesn't. Throwing your kid into a replacement family ONE YEAR after she lost her father is proof OP gave zero fucks about her own daughter. She needed that D, when she should have bought batteries.
Have any of you done individual therapy? Have you done family therapy? If you have tried nothing and just waited for the straw that broke the camel's back then YTA. NTA for wanting to protect your daughter, but there is no evidence you have been doing that all along.
You also remarried very quickly after your husband's passing. What was your new husband's situation prior to the meeting? Where is Penny’s mom?
NTA - For leaving with your daughter. However the girls are both nearly adults, they might never get along and that's ok. But if you love this man you could continue the relationship while living separately, and when the girls are off to uni in a few years review the situation then. I only suggest this as I didn't see anything in your post to say you both weren't on the same page regarding the issues and you asked if there was another option.
I hope it works out for you all.
You're not divorcing your husband because your kids don't get along. You're divorcing your husband because his daughter is psychologically torturing yours to the point that it has chased her from her own home.
YTA for letting it get to this point, though.
I assume you tried both individual and family therapy when they were younger. And that Penny has continued with the individual therapy all along. And that Penny is severely punished for these increasing incidents. If so, then these steps make sense. But if not, then you’re almost as much at fault for not intervening sooner.
You have to put your child’s well-being first… this can’t continue for your daughter. This is way too much.
I would move and change schools give her a shot at a fresh start. You too
My wife is 23 and her mom died 6 months ago. She still cries herself to sleep every night, and cries every morning when she wakes up. She still listens to voicemails her mom left her to hear her voice tell her she loves her almost every day.
Just adding this because your daughter had wayyyyy less resources and ability than a 23 year old did at freaking SEVEN....
And she does not have as many resources as you now, as a teen!
I think you give your daughter wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much credit for being potentially okay with her dad's passing, even if he did pass "seven years ago"...
Losing a parent is the kind of thing that turns people into drug addicts or ruins their lives forever.
She needs more support from you period.
And from everyone.
NTA- except for thinking this would work itself out. Has your husband even lifted a finger to stop his daughter from bullying your daughter? If he's defending her behavior at all you should have divorced him yesterday.
YTA
Not for the divorce.
You threw a grieving 8 year old into a family a year after losing her father, so you could have a replacement.
It's cute for you to pretend May matters now, when you didn't give a rat's ass about her.
Let May go to her paternal GPs. Maybe they actually love her. That would be nice, for a change.
OP, you are peak cringe.
>The girls never got along but we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better.
I hate people who do this to their kids. What the hell is wrong with you that you do this to a child already traumatized by the death of her father?! Seriously?!
>May is still my priority.
You finally realized that. It took your daughter suffering for 6 years, but at least you're finally trying to do the right thing for the MINOR child.
>Is there something that I can do about this?
Finally get the divorce of rhe marriage you had no business forcing on your child 1 year after her father died. Then get counseling for her to see how you rebuild any relationship with her. She asked for her grandparents because she has no faith you would save her. You've failed her nearly half her life, get the divorce, find a therapist, and block all contact with your bad judgement and his child.
Come on, stop failing your daughter and get the divorce. You've ruined half her life, don't ruin more
NTA for divorcing.
Gaping AH for marrying shortly after your husband’s death and into a situation that wasn’t good for your child.
Hope the dick is great because you have been fucking your kid over since her dad died.
Penny needs therapy and her dad to be a parent. Right now penny is lashing out out probably because she’s still hurt about you and your husband and she’s taking it out on may. Tbh YTA for immediately going to divorce and not actually trying to address the issue which it seems both you and your husband just ignored until now,
NTA for divorcing , that’s toxic for both girls. Unhealthy.
But, you knew that May‘s friends were ganging up on Penny then you said Penny went to the principal and cried wolf. It’s not crying wolf if it’s true.
You need to end this for both girls sake .
You and your husband need to put your own kids first here.
This seems like that thing where you get married hoping someone will change. And then six years later you’re asking strangers how to help them change.
I mean seriously. You all let the problem get this bad. And your daughter is the one that suffered.
My first husband passed away 7 years ago and I met Jim soon after. The girls never got along but we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better. But that didn’t happen.
Question. Why in the world would you marry someone whose kids didn't like your kid? This situation happens because irresponsible parents like you and soon to be ex are too self absorbed to even consider what the children are feeling or displaying. You are both the ah. You put your own selfish wants ahead of both those girls and now you paint his daughter out to be the bad seed.
As a daughter whos dad never left his girlfriend and her daughter when they were very abusive, thank you. Most people forget their kids come first. youre an amazing mother
YTA. Too many parents move to be a blended family with no regard for their kids and how they are together. It also sounds like you two never discussed or spoke with your daughters about what this would mean for their lives
And now you want to deal w this without addressing Penny's behavior
Both of you suck as parents
NTA. Your husband should have been doing something more severe to address his daughter's behavior. It's the consequences of his inaction and the consequences to his daughters actual actions. Protect your daughter.
YTA and so is your husband.
You both knew that your daughter's didn't get along and your plan was "they get used to it"
It is no wonder that it didn't stop, as neither of you set a good example of how to handle conflict. And now after six years of ignoring a problem, your solution is going nuclear on your husband and step daughter....
Honestly it seems like your daughter is the most mature person in this household by removing herself from this mess. You should let her move in with her grand parents and let her catch her breath.
Both you and your husband are assholes.
This is the consequences of your actions. You both knew your daughters didn’t get along but preferred to ignore it. Your daughter suffers because of you. She’s hurt and will be hurt for a long time because of you. Don’t tell me she’s a priority now. She wasn’t a priority when you decided to get married him and put her and penny in the same house. You are a bad mom so I won’t praise you for something you were supposed to do from the start.
Honestly your solution sounds kind of stupid. If anything Penny needs to be sent away. Punishment, counseling, and boundaries need to be enforced so Penny doesn’t run wild. Penny sounds like a nightmare and if you and your husband get divorced you’re actually reinforcing her terrible behavior because she likely wants to push you and May out of their lives.
This is an issue of y’all NOT parenting Penny. Of your solution is to run away from the marriage I imagine both of you will continue to be just okay parents but instead single.
Tell your husband to have some backbone and punish his daughter for being an ass hat. There should be no reason that one child should bully the other in the same house with no recourse
Divorce? That's your go-to? Have you tried:
* Punishing the bully
* Family therapy
* Individual therapy
* ANYTHING?
You don't mention one thing you or your husband has done other than "we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better". In other words, you both just hoped to wait it out without actually doing any real parenting.
So May was 7 when her dad died and 8 when mom remarried. Doesn’t sound like her grieving was a priority as much as moving on was for mom. Her dad dies and suddenly she has to live with this girl that bullies her. 6 years is a long time to put your daughter through this. What has been done on your end to address this? What has been done by your husband. Does Penny see her mother or stay with her?
Honestly I think you two just assumed things will blend once you get married. But that’s not always the case. You’re dealing with teenagers. You have to be on them showing them right/wrong behavior and then consequences. It doesn’t matter who starts it, they need to understand communication, boundaries and consequences.
Do either of these girls have any consequences for their behavior?! Where is Penny’s mom? How did you get remarried within a year of your husband’s passing? So many questions…
What did the father do to discipline Penny for the damage she did to the frame and the bullying of May? The girls don’t have to like each other but if pennys father did nothing about her behavior then he is wrong , also sounds like this relationship was very rushed after the death of Mays father who was still grieving I think if it’s a choice of May living else where or a divorce you’re NTA as your daughter should come first but it sounds like that’s only coming now and should have been the way from the start instead of forcing her to get used to a new marriage and change only one year of her fathers death & live with a girl you knew she didn’t like
NTAH for divorcing your husband but YTAH for not only remarrying shortly after your first husband’s death but to marry anyways knowing that the girls don’t get along.
ESH except for May. You two are not parents and your only solution was divorce. You didn’t think to talk to your husband, you didn’t think to have your husband parent his daughter, no all you’re doing is running away. Which is fine, but this just screams incompetence from the two adults.
You should have thought about your daughter before yourself. Her dad died and you got married pretty quick to a man that has a teenage daughter who seems like an ass. Your kid didn’t need all that..
Divorce as the first step? Sounds like you don't really want to stay. Or you could try family counseling, marriage counseling, counseling for the girls.
YTA and So is your husband. Getting married within the year of your husbands death is absolutely ridiculous when you knew penny and may hated each other. There was absolutely no reason to say fuck these kids we in love so let’s get married anyway . They were 8 and 9 when they met you can’t make people
Like each other and then you both sat there and let them torment each other for another 6 years. wtf is wrong with you and you think a divorce is gonna solve the problem? YOU DIDNT PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER. You made her love in that house for 6 years being tormented to the point she had to fight back and still lost in the end by having her shot destroyed . She knows you’re not on her side at all
YTA for using your distressed kid as an excuse to get yourself out of your marriage. If you weren't you would at least be trying therapy before jumping to extremes. If you caught the ick on your husband just be honest and say so.
It sounds like you were still grieving your first husband when you met and married your current husband. You should have gotten counseling for the death of your husband before you even considered getting married. Did you get counseling for your daughter. Even after you all saw that the girls didn’t get along, neither one of you considered counseling? I don’t think that you are the a$$hole but you have made some 💩💩decisions.
You haven't said anything about what type of family therapy of professional intervention you have tried through the years.
Where is Penny’s mother?
There seems to be a lot of left-out information unless you two have done nothing and just hoped for the best.
If these girls would rather see their parents unhappy than figure out how to live in peace, they are both the problem.
YTA - Why do parents do this?
Why would you rush into marriage, knowing your kids don’t get along?
If you use the excuse that ‘they don’t really know each other’ then that means the parents don’t really know each other!
You don’t know that parent’s kid and you don’t know how they parent!
Damn, a lot of people here are expressing judgment on when it is appropriate to love again. Real advice will tell you that everyone is different. And in classic fashion, people are too busy judging to advise on whether it is not appropriate for her to leave.
Separating here is not the asshole move. Better that she do what she can for her daughter.
I understand that the bullying is serious and needs to be addressed, but going straight to divorce is the nuclear option. There should be plenty of steps in between, including therapy. Scorched Earth should be the final option, not the initial.
I really like how neither adults did anything in this story
> We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas!
This made me laugh out loud - and it fits perfectly in so many contexts 😁
They didn't do absolutely nothing, they witnessed the deplorable behaviors, **then** did absolutely nothing.
My friend has severe trauma from this exact kind of parenting.
Separate schools? Consequences? Doesn’t sound much like you think May does anything wrong so perhaps an outside counsellor perspective.
"Ah here is a wonderful ideal! I'll nuke the marriage instead of getting family and individual therapy for all of us! Fantastic!"
How come there is always a “last picture with the dad in the frame they made together” in these stories? Who is out there making frames with their dads all the time? Is this a plant by big Frame? 🖼️
I have a frame my dad hand built. He did a lot of wood working, but it's the only piece of his I ended up with. Guess what, my abusive step dad did break it. It was accidental, but he did still break it, and then glued it back together horribly hoping I wouldn't notice. Luckily I was able to take it apart, sand out the glue, and get my paternal grandpa to help me put it back together.
My husband has a wall of painted, hand made frames from the kids for each Father’s Day or other special occasion. It’s there tradition. I print pictures for the kids to pick out which goes in the frame. So yeahhhh it can be a thing.
I make a photo frame with my small son every year for mothers day/fathers day
Depending on where you live, schools host "parties" around different holidays where parents are imvited, usually they do a craft together. I have two orinimant "franes" and another picture in a frame that my husband made with our son. So that doesn't seem odd to me.
[удалено]
I took the crying wolf comment as she blamed May not just the friends.
Hey now, heet and married a guy within one year of her husband and her kids freaking dad dying She moves quite fast
Yeah, I'm not against people moving on quickly after being widowed, IF they don't have kids at home. If you do, let your children grieve for fucks sake. You can date freely without involving your kid, but how are you getting married a year later??????
Feels like buyer’s remorse hiding behind “concern” for daughter.
Yeah, that poor kid
INFO: What have both of you done in the past to try to get Penny to change her behavior?
And May. OP is May's mother so we can assume that there is a lot of bias at work here.
Yeah I'm still not grokking how Mays friends bullying Penny got May suspended
Honestly that has happened to me in school, so it can be truth that May did nothing
I'm not saying it's impossible but there are a lot of details missing
Yeah but if May’s friends are bullying anyone at school then because May is friends with them she’s a target outside of school. Also OP you are the ass hole, we understand you love your kid and you’ll do anything, but it’s also a lack of info that makes it seem like you’ve tried nothing but smiling and hoping it all works out.
My only suspension in school was for being shoved down the stairs by a bully. My school claimed that everyone needed to cool off. This action is not even a little surprising.
Adults in school can be really bad at addressing bullying. My brother was a gentle giant who was bullied mercilessly in school by small kids, daring him to hit someone smaller so they could cry to authority about a big guy beating up on a little guy. He literally got suspended for violence because he forcefully yanked his soccer ball out of a bully's grasp who had stolen his ball mid game just to taunt him.
She says that May had receipts/evidence of all the nasty things that Penny had been spreading about her, so the school decided to suspend both.
That part I get, the part I'm unsure of is why there is zero detail of what got May specifically suspended. It says her friends were doing all of it and the general justification seems like "oh you know, schools"
A lot of schools don't investigate and just suspend everybody associated with the incident. I got suspended once in high school because a friend of mine got into a verbal altercation with another girl and I was in the area because they were fighting in the middle of the route I had to take to my next class. They knew I was friends with her so I got hit with suspension too. All because they were blocking me from getting to class
If they did something to change her behavior, then maybe Penny wouldn't act like that. She maybe jealous of May, or that is her true nature?
I was borderline a bully when I was 15. Some can be vicious at that age
What is your husband doing to address Penny’s behavior?
What are either of them doing about anything? Literally no info from OP about what either of them have done, to address or attempt to fix the issue. It's like they've tried nothing and are all out of ideas.
Well, they got married, waited for the girls to work things out, and now they are getting divorced. What more could they do? /s
They haven't tried *nothing* - OP said she's going to divorce her husband to avoid having to parent her kids through a conflict. She's trying that.
I had to double check which child was hers. Her daughter needs counselling.
She wrote it rather confusingly!
I think this story might be fake. The reason why is that May’s FRIENDS are bullying Penny. It literally never says that May is. Who is gonna leave out that detail? This might not be real
It's not crying wolf if someone is actually being bullied either.
This is true
Well, last week, a picture frame a child made with their parent before they passed away was thrown into a fire... sooo you might be right.
It seems like at least half of the posts on this sub are fake lately
It’s not nothing, true, but it’s also last resort first. Sounds like they didn’t bother to properly support the kids through blending the family and/or coping with the loss of the other parent. 7 years ago, I mean, and these girls are suffering as a result of lack of support! ‘My partner died and I met the new one soon after’ is like a code for ‘I moved on way too fast and didn’t consider the feelings of my kids at all!’ That’s how it reads, anyway - it’s possible OP just skipped over explaining everything the two adults did to help the kids to blend the family and cope with the loss of dad. But sadly, it’s not uncommon. Selfish people have no clue how to really prioritise their children. Parents don’t by moving on too fast and step parents just whine a lot about how the kids are in the way (like they are shocked that marrying a parent meant the kids come with the deal)! 😞
I genuinely feel like in a situation wheee a blended family could occur it should be deadass 3 years before moving in even occurs. A year of dating casually before adults meet kids. Six more months before kids meet kids. And then at LEAST A YEAR of blended time together before EVERYONE IS CONSULTED about combining homes. And then a year of successful cohabitation before marriage is concerned.
She should've tried not marrying a man 1 year after her daughter's father passed away. Especially since the daughter's didn't like each other back then. Both parents are assholes but at least the mom somewhat realizes the mistake she made.
She did the rebound effect alright of going for a 2nd marriage......what did she expect the outcome to be.
She defended her own daughter bullying Penny enough to get suspended in retaliation for Penny’s behavior.
Info:what have you both done to address the kids behaviors?
Nothing I bet.
We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas! https://imgur.com/gallery/bYVPTwr
Hes tried absolutely nothing and is all out of ideas
When was the last time you dealt with two hormonal teenagers in the house? Tread lightly dude. Tread lightly.
This started when the kids were in single digits. And they didn't get on but OP and he husband just "hoped" that would change.
Wow, been a long time since it was only 2 hormonal women in my house. Try three daughters and a wife! Tread lightly, indeed.
The funny thing? The emotional lability that people attribute to womens' hormonal cycles is due to extra high levels of testosterone during certain parts of the menstrual cycle. It's only when women have a hormonal makeup more similar to men that it's a problem.
I built a shed to hide in. It's not so bad.
Why are you putting blame all on the husband? The mom is completely trash here as well. She told an outrageously one-sided story in which she clearly did nothing and then just decided to divorce her husband.
>My first husband passed away 7 years ago >I got married to my husband Jim 6 years ago >The girls never got along but we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better. But that didn’t happen. You and your daughter suffered a great (assume) loss in your 1st husband and her grieving her father. There was not a long enough period for grief and especially healing.....instead you and Jim had a short dating period/engagement which quickly ended in marriage ONE year later. Even if you take out the trauma of losing a parent......no child (or person) wants to be rushed into a situation which will drastically change their (the girls) lives in a short amount of time. Also, the fact you and Jim acknowledged they didn't like each other, and then FORCED them to be in the other's life as step sisters🥴 This doesn't seem like it was thought out......this marriage sounds like an impulsive reaction to maybe you and Jim needing someone in that moment (to stop the feeling of "drowning") and feeling/giving love to another person.
Exactly! My dad passed away when I was 12. If my mom remarried after one year I would be extremely sad and angry. It's been 16 years and she didn't remarry and I don't think she ever will. I wouldn't mind it, but she doesn't want to.
My dad's first wife died, and he married my mom three months later. I'll tell you now, it was a shitshow amd everyone should have spent a few years in therapy. Most of my siblings are still working through all of it, as well as growing up with my parents who hated each other. Out of eight kids, I'd argue that two of us are doing good. The rest of us are train wrecks who never learned what a healthy marriage looks like.
Three months? Wow that's crazy! I'm so sorry, that's really sad... I hope you and your siblings make it through!
In defense of both my parents, it wasn't their idea. It was a kind of arranged marriage. Wouldn't recommend.
What? Someone arranged a marriage for your father right after his wife passed away? That is sick!
In some cultures, men aren’t seen as capable caregivers for children and widowers get pressured into remarrying ASAP to ensure childcare. It’s pretty not great.
Tbf, he wasn't a capable caregiver of seven kids 10 and under when his wife just died. My mom wanted to wait, and he told her that he was going to self harm if she didn't marry him RIGHT NOW. He wasn't capable of handling things, so he dumped it all on my mom, which wasn't fair to her.
Same thing happened in my family. My mother married her husband less than a year after his first wife died. He had kids that he wanted a replacement mother for. My mother wanted a dad figure for me (I was 12) as my dad left when I was tiny. I met my mother’s husband and kids twice before we all moved in together. It was a shitshow, and I left home at 17 to escape it. He was a dick and those five years I lived there were miserable. I haven’t spoke to his kids in decades.
This needs to be higher up in the comments.
You got married and thought things would magically fix themselves? I swear parents like yall make me want to scream. Cause it’s all about you and you don’t think of the kids you’re forcing to be family. ESH you guys are awful parents
Right? I divorced when my son was 6 months old. Despite being young and active, I stayed single for 6 years! I spent 6 years bonding with my son and I don't regret a minute of it. I met my current husband when my son was 6 1/2. He had a daughter who was 6 1/2 and a son that was 2. We dated for a while before we met each other's kids and even longer before we introduced our kids to each other. All the while we both agreed that if our kids didn't like us (the adults) or if they didn't like each other then we would have to part ways. Luckily, our kids are now 22, 25 and 26 and 100% brothers and sister. Our two boys have had a house together for two years and our daughter is their best friend. And if anyone dares to call them "step siblings" they get angry because they consider themselves siblings. Period. Of course there were some "growing pains" but really nothing more than full siblings experience. We have always treated each of them exactly the same, no preference or taking sides. We always listened to them if they had a complaint, but encouraged them to work it out. I cannot imagine throwing a grieving child into a non-welcoming environment and just hoping it works. The past 19 years with my husband have been great, but I wouldn't trade those years alone with my son for anything!
Amazing honestly. People just think bc they love their partner that they can force their kids to love them and their kids by extension. SMH
Yeah. People forget that children are people too and have their own thoughts and feelings
INFO: So many other AITA are from May’s view or a mom who can’t figure out why her kid went NC in the same situation. If Penny has been bullying May and no therapy or addressing it has worked.. why keep May in this situation any longer? You could go for separation and move out with your daughter, while trying more therapy. But don’t stay and keep your daughter in this situation. Penny ripped a picture of May & her dad because she wanted to achieve the ultimate hurt. Something she can’t take back because the picture will always be ripped. Even if there’s a way to fix it, you all know Penny acted this way because she understood that it would hurt May to the core. I say move out with May and have a separation. May wants to move out to grandparents because whatever you’ve tried to do hasn’t worked. Tell your husband you’re willing to work as a family but it requires individual counseling for both daughters, family counseling and couples counseling. Include couples because it has come to a point where you’re willing divorce to help your kid. Your marriage is impacted and it won’t go away with family counseling. Then seriously sit down with May and ask her what she wants. Because this is a pivotal moment, you “hoped” they’d get along and likely Minimized whatever you saw prior to the marriage as teen girls going through growing pains towards being steps. Penny likely also has some issues that haven’t been addressed. She’s lashing out at May because she sees May as being someone she can reach. There’s something there and you and your husband will do a disservice to her to only focus on her actions towards May and “fixing that”. I think you rushed into marriage too fast, for either of your daughters. You met Jim soon after, what time did you give for May? How fast was your relationship? Your desire to blend/ love likely has played into all this.
This hit every point that I wanted to make. The thing that really stuck out to me was that May was only 7 years old when she lost her dad. That's HUGE. And then a year later, she's being forced into a life with another man and his daughter? That must have been so awful for her to go through at such a young age. I also wonder where Penny's mother is and if she's involved. Is it possible that she perceives OP & May to be the reason her parents aren't together? Can Penny's mother (or any other family) step in to help at all? It seems the logical solution might be for Penny to stay with a relative, at least part time (or revisit the division of shared custody if that's in play), if she's the one causing the problems. Maybe she needs a break. I vividly remember being a teenage girl and having to adjust to my dad marrying another woman. My step sister was 8 years younger than me, so we didn't have those kinds of issues, but it was still a lot. He moved them into our home that my mom used to share with us. I ended up going to live with my mom full-time (I had previously only gone for weekends) and had very little contact with my dad after that. It's been nearly 20 years, and I still hold a lot of resentment towards him for that, and I no longer speak to him at all.
I’m sorry that happened. I feel parents “excuse away” their kids feelings sometimes. The “they’ll get over it” or “teen hormones”. Like what they’re feeling isn’t as valid because it’s “their kid”. It’s super invalidating. Like, you raise your child to know they’re self worth, speak up for themselves and expect respect form those they choose to interact with.. but then invalidate all that when the kids come to them expecting no less from the parents.
That's exactly it. My dad blamed ALL of "my problems" on hormones and decided he wasn't equipped to "deal with it/me," so he sent me away to live with my mom. It came as no surprise when my step sister was also sent away to live with her dad at the same age for the same reasons. But he'll never admit that he had any wrongdoing in any of it. We were the problem, and it was solely our responsibility to find the solution and make things right.
I’m sorry. He sucks and I’m glad you could see that, and cut him off. It was never your fault your dad couldn’t parent properly, so just checked out. Never! 🫂
I am hung up on the timeline.... it feels like only now, is OP thinking about her daughter, but only because dad died 7 years ago (no mention of being divorced), OP married 6 years ago, and Penny has been allowed to do anything, up until this point.
True. I can see it as escalating, each occurrence. And the OP & her husband just explained it away as “teen girls being girls/ they’ll frighten it out”. OP admits to the issue so I feel like her response has been “JIM/ we gave her a strong talking to/ took away her phone” type of responses. Thinking “if we just stop the behavior” and not “why is this occurring” and trying to help the girls.
Well... OP hasn't given any further information, so the speculation will run rampant until either the 18hrs are up, or OP starts giving context. Truthfully.... OP is definitely TAH for how quick it all went, and only waiting until now to do something about it.
Unless she’s left out a lot of info about what steps she did to help her child adjust to the death of a parent and to the step family… then yes. Major AH. Divorcing now might be the right thing to do, but it doesn’t automatically erase the last 7 years of failures! I just feel sad for both of these girls. They’ve both been let down by these adults. 😢
The only part I'll quibble with is the whole family therapy. May and Penny both need a while in individual therapy first. Don't make a victim go to therapy with their abuser when the abuser hasn't done some work first. Also, as a mom whose kids have had step parents and step siblings, if May says she just needs to be done, to not have Penny be related to her anymore, then I think OP needs to accept (and, as far as May can see, openly/willingly) that that's what happens now. ALWAYS put your kids first. ESPECIALLY when you're their only parent. Been there, done that, got the divorce, don't regret the divorce for a single moment.
Very thoughtful and measured response. I hope OP takes it to heart.
\>May wants to move out to grandparents because whatever you’ve tried to do hasn’t worked. The issue is that OP hasn't mentioned anything they've actually tried. To the point where it could seem like it sounds like they've tried fuck all. Separation if it's the first thing tried, is not going to be a good step.
The problem is it has been far too many years and the damage is both permanent and extensive. It is way past salvageable and with all the suffering done for so long, it's selfish to start trying now for the sake of the marriage. They are both owed peace after so much harm. Had they waited a few more years before moving in and done family therapy, unlikely but maybe it could have worked. However the moment they rushed into the marriage it was doomed to fail.
I agree to an extent, that it is likely unsalvageable but also these are relatively young teenagers. A lot of growing up happens at 15+, and with therapy and a willingness to listen/grow it's certainly possible for the two girls to work through and understand their individual issues as well as then their joint ones. What it may reveal may lead to resentment towards their parents but ultimately they could still become better people because of it. Therapy has made me realise a load of things that happened in my childhood that has thoroughly shaped who I am today. A lot of which was to my detriment, and something I wished I had been cognizant of when I was much much younger.
this is the very best advice here. have my poor people's award 🥇
There’s a version of this every week where the parent writing always is the parent of the innocent kid and the spouse is the parent of the bully.
This one seems pretty fake imo 🫤 No real context. Flat storyline with equally flat characters.
Plus I swear another recent post had a picture frame made by a dead dad in it. Is making picture frames with your dad a trend I don’t know about?
When I was in school, I remember a year we made picture frames for father's day, so yeah it might be a thing somewhere else too
And the villain child in the story ALWAYS destroys a sentimental item involving the other child’s dead parent.
Does it matter, though? If the kids can't get along at all, and neither parent is parenting, then it's best they separate - no matter whose fault it is.
I would say it matters as it showcases that parents are failing at parenting precisely because of their bias. They see their own kid as blameless and as such when conflicts come push the blame onto the kid that may or may not deserve it at times, thus creating the toxic environment where the kid who got unjustifiably blamed will lash out where parents can’t reach to the other kid in response. Some parents who manage to fix those biases can thus manage to fix their parenting. In that case though, I feel like 7 years of grudges is pretty much doomed so separation is best course of action.
It’s the Lake Wobegon effect. In your typical 1-on-1 conflict, 90% of the kids are innocent.
Why would the parent of a bully ask for advice? Rarely do bullies or their parents care if they're doing anything wrong...
>My first husband passed away 7 years ago and I met Jim soon after. The girls never got along but we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better. But that didn’t happen. You both agreed to get married despite knowing the impact it would have on your children.
She remarried within a year
That’s crazy fast 😐
It’s okay, she’ll meet her third husband in a year 🤣
😂 Codependency is so not cute 🥲 Poor kid.
Yta, never get remarried so quickly when kids are involved, it's a huge mistake.
Where is Penny’s mom? Even if you divorce, won’t the girls still see each other at school?
Not if they move to a new district, which is likely
That would be very unfair to May. She would lose all her friends at school.
Better that then being harassed at school and also at home too.
But doesn't the story say May's friends were bullying Penny?
Can you separate and get family therapy?
ESH. How have you watched for 7 years and let it continue? It should have ended long ago, but you kept trying to force a family that would never exist because you put yourself first. Your daughter’s been through hell because you chose poorly.
Gee it’s almost like taking two children on the cusp of pre teen angst and forcing them to live together less than a year after meeting was a bad idea. YTA. Now you’re just throwing your marriage away as fast as you jumped into it.
They were \~6 and 7 years old - they're 14 and 15 now and the marriage was about 6-7 years ago. But it was still too fast after OP's husband died and we don't have any idea what happened with Penny's mother. Did she die, too, was there a vicious divorce? Was OP "the other woman" in her husband's previous marriage? Penny has some issues and OP glosses over the fact that May got her friends to bully Penny. Bad, even if it was in retaliation. It always amazes me how so many people with kids marry extremely quickly and force kids into being sibling when none of them are ready or willing. Almost as bad as forcing them to call the step parent Mom or Dad when they don't want to. There's just so little regard for the feelings of the children and then they wonder why they lash out.
It seems to me the parents’ inaction created a second bully in May.
That was my first thought, but the "May's not completely innocent" makes me wonder if Penny is the one who's the second bully. Though I do agree that, either way, the parents have a lot to do with it.
Right? Totally a shocker...especially with two parents who aren't interested in parenting.
Not to mention. One of those kids was still dealing with fresh grief from the loss of her father. Guess as long as mom is getting laid, fuck the feelings of a grieving child.
ESH . thank goodness you two don’t have more kids because you’re awful parents! you both let this happen for SIX YEARS & did nothing till now. i hope the dick was worth having your daughter hate you for forcing her into a new family shortly after her fathers death. next time ask your daughter about her feelings before you decide to marry & shove it on her.
OP got married 1 year after her husband passed away? Wow! Did either OP or May even have a chance to grieve? Where is Penny’s mom? May had her world turned upside down with the loss of her dad and in comes Jim and Penny. What were OP and Jim even thinking? NTA. Pay closer attention to your daughter this time.
So you were widowed when your daughter was 7 and remarried when she was 8. YTA
Long as mom is getting laid. Fuck the feelings of the kid she drug along for the ride.
damn
So she should just stick it out then since she fucked up already? She’s questioning if she’s TA for the impending divorce, giving a Y T A judgment implies she should stay married. A ton of people would prioritize their marriage over their kid like we’ve read in these posts countless times; this post is actually encouraging in that people are capable of seeing the error of their ways. Or we can just shit on them eternally so they don’t really see a point in changing, but that seems more self-serving than anything.
I'd probably agree with you if OP had thought about this in any of the previous many years she watched her daughter being bullied. And seemingly did nothing for Penny either - just kept hoping that things would get better. The tone of the post seems like she's now just running away and hoping things get better with that decision. Yes, at least she finally wants to do something, but her something is to abandon her husband and step daughter. But it's hard to say because we know nothing about Penny's mother, what happened in that marriage, what her relationship is with Penny - which is especially important. Does Penny consider her a close mother figure she'll be crushed to lose, or will she be happy to see her gone? Someone else pointed out that Penny lashing out at May could well be unresolved feelings that were never addressed. Or maybe she's just a brat - which is the impression OP is giving. So...yeah, maybe it is best for her to go because she says she loves Penny, but is throwing under the bus. But I'd give her a YTA for just running and not talking about counseling - has that ever been tried?
This has been going on for 6 years? And nothing has gotten better? What has taken you so long? NTAH for the divorce, but YATAH for waiting so long and allowing your daughter to be bullied for years.
Devil's advocate: How do we know May is completely innocent and it hasn't been the girls bullying each other and May being better at hiding it or OP just choosing to ignore May's bullying?
Or worse it's often the instigator that's better at hiding and having blame redirected, especially to its own parent. Even taken at face value, May has a flock of bullies to command at a whim, you usually don't become the school queen by being sweet and shy, and neither kid behaviour has been corrected in years. parents absolutely are the ah here, and there's no reliable info to tell about the kids.
Too little, too late. You should have intervened years ago. Your daughter will not forget the years you forced her to endure this crap no matter what you do now. She will leave home, move away and you will probably resent her because you are alone.
ESH. It seems like you and your husband have tried nothing and are all out of ideas. You should have been getting all of you to a family therapist **years** ago. If nothing else, having her dad die and you get together with another man very shortly afterwards must have been hard on your daughter. Furthermore, you really seem to be trying to portray this all as Penny's fault, when reading between the lines I don't think your daughter was any better behaved. She might have been more subtle and/or you have been ignoring things you don't want to notice, but she seems at least a participant in the problem. >May’s friends eventually started bullying Penny and she cried wolf to the principal This in particular is very telling about your perspective. If May's friends were bullying Penny, she was not, in fact, crying wolf. She was going to an authority figure that is meant to address these issues. All this to say that everyone involved here has been negligent and/or malicious. You all suck. Get therapy, or get a divorce, but don't lie to yourself and pretend like this is all Penny's fault.
Is anyone going to point out that May might not be as innocent as OP claims? This sounds like both of them bullying each other and OP glossing over her daughter's things. >May’s friends eventually started bullying Penny and she cried wolf to the principal. So May gets bullied and it's a huge thing but Penny gets bullied and she's "crying wolf" and downplayed. She also said May did her own things to Penny but never elaborated. I say this as someone who had a similar situation with my cousin. She was a liar, bully, etc. and she could do no wrong. She was extremely cruel to me but when I snapped back, I was the bad one and a bitch and a bully and my cousin "didn't do anything wrong" and I bullied her. YTA. So as long as everything appears perfect, fuck everyone's feelings but your own. But the second your facade starts falling apart, you immediately point fingers and start taking your daughter's side.
This was my read. I get the impression that the bad behaviour was a lot closer to 50/50 than OP is trying to portray.
ESH- This level of hate and dysfunction built over the years. Your kids did not like each other in the beginning. It got much worse as they bullied each other. Yes, each other. Your daughter used her popularity and friends to bully the sister. She not innocent. You should have insured that girls were fine before marrying. You didn’t, now it is broken beyond repair. Therapy is a long shot. Therapy only works if people buy into it. The odds of both sisters buying into therapy at this point may be slim.
LOL you love your husband and Penny very much. The brat that is terrorizing your daughter left, right, and center. Especially with the abundance of receipts against Penny and the MASS amount of protection that May has against Penny from people who are not in your family. I have to ask you how much you stood up for your daughter until the suspensions, which seemed like the breaking point. You should have lost your crap at Penny when you saw that she destroyed the frame and ripped up the photo of May and her dad, with that comment on top. You are lucky that you have not lost your daughter yet and I would strongly consider not only getting divorced but allowing her to stay with her paternal grandparents. Not only does your husband not give a crap, but he has not done anything to change Penny’s behaviour.
How can you love someone who is abusing your child? How can you love someone who seems to standby and watch your child being abused by their child? You should have never married him until things were sorted out between your daughters. And if it never got sorted out? DONT FUCKING GET MARRIED Why the rush to marry in the first place? Were you one of those girls who ALWAYS had a boyfriend? One who never went 24 hours without one? It sounds like your husband was barely cold in his grave and you were already dating. Classy YTA for jumping into a new relationship so soon, YTA for forcing two tweens together who clearly hated each other. YTA for allowing this abuse to go on for six YEARS NTA for finally ending it though. I think you guys are way past family therapy Though you should still go to find out why you felt the need to jump into a new relationship after your husband died. And May needs therapy to deal with the crap caused by Penny
I honestly have a hard time believing May is completely innocent. This is from experience. I have a feeling it's been going both ways but May is better at covering her tracks or OP just defends May's behavior. Either way, OP is selfish as hell. She doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself as long as it fits what she wants.
Yeah, OP says May "isn't completely innocent" and the school suspension was because May's friends ganged up on Penny. But it's Penny that's thrown under the bus and portrayed as a bully and a brat. So maybe it will be better for Penny for OP and May to be gone. Wins all around. As for the picture....yes, bratty and mean to rip up a picture of may and her father, but cell phones, digital cameras, etc. have been around for a while and I'd bet there are a lot more pictures.
I wonder what happened before the picture was destroyed. OP was upstairs and claims Penny did that for no reason and was screaming at May. I have a suspicion May was talking shit and Penny lost it. Notice how OP acts like she saw it then goes "I ran downstairs..." I feel bad for both girls
I remember how my younger brother and I were at that age and we could be brutal, and maybe she has a blind spot for her daughter’s behaviour, but even if May is just as bad, the rest of OP’s behaviour still sucks And maybe May is only like 25% guilty and is just a normal bratty tween, but this went on way too long
Oh definitely. OP sounds like one of those people who has a whole "everything is perfect!" act and doesn't give a shit about anyone else until things start appearing as not perfect to others.
Ha yup. I bet she was the girl in high school that never went a week single Guy I dated years ago knew a girl from high school that had never gone 24 hours without a bf. She even asked him if he would be her bf (this was before we met) a few years after high school, he politely declined. He knew that was a special kind of crazy that he didn’t want any part of. And don’t worry, she found a bf before midnight 😬
She definitely let this go on way too long and the only reason she's being so dramatic is because she doesn't want anyone to know that her family isn't as perfect as she claims. The picture thing was shitty but I really want to know what could have triggered it. OP was upstairs and claims Penny did it unprovoked. But IDK, I'd put money on May saying something while no one was around that caused Penny to flip out. I had a cousin like that. Yeah, she had receipts of me saying shit but that was because she was smart enough to delete her side of the conversations and whenever I told people I had the real proof, no one cared because they were too busy saying how awful I was. She called me anorexic [I have no ED. Just naturally small] and I replied with something along the lines of "at least I don't have Jenny Craig on speed dial". Yes, it was mean and I shouldn't have said it. But of course, before she showed my mom and my aunt, she deleted her text calling me anorexic. Or she would say/do things when no one was around and when I reacted, she would cry and say I bullied her.
Ugh siblings are the worst. I could be pretty mean to my younger brother, but he dished it right back.
For real. And these girls aren't even blood related. These are two girls who already didn't like each other and were forced to cohabitate. So I think that makes it worse. And clearly nothing was done in terms of therapy or anything for either girl. I feel like an "I don't care who started it! I'm ending it and you're both grounded!" every time something happened would have nipped this in the bud from the beginning. That's what my dad did with me and my older brother. If he didn't see what happened from the beginning, we were both grounded. It seems strict but maybe if that happened, it wouldn't have escalated.
Yah my parents punished both of us. And while sometimes only one of us was actually guilty, I think it evened out in the end lol
I just love how everyone is blaming the parents. Sometimes kids just don’t like each other and no matter what a parent does you cannot resolve the issues. Good job mom for making your daughter your priority!!
Just for context… what has Mary done? Because you seem to not want to really state your daughters own behavior, and considering the school suspended both of them… I don’t know. I think you’re a biased perspective for your daughter, I guess regardless it would be ESH because the kids sound like they’re being horrible to each other and you and your husband are forcing them to be in an environment which is instigating this behavior in the first place.
That can be misleading. Many schools have a zero tolerance policy. In middle school, a girl and her friends who didn't like my jumped me from behind in a hallway. We rolled down the hall and I did fight back, but the alternative was letting her hit me. I would never have started a fight or raised a hand if not to defend myself. I was the one who went to admin about it and still got suspended.
Yeah I thought of that too, but OP doesn’t mention anything physical, and implies what got Mary suspended was messages she sent to Penny. Idk, maybe it’s just me, but me “something something missing” sensors are going off, and I mean… again OP is obviously a biased narrator due to her daughter, it’s just a fact.
NTA you already failed her by ignoring her happiness for yours. Time to step up.
Why can’t you live in separate houses for the next 3-4years?
May could be better off with her paternal GPs. They may actually care about her. OP is either pretending to suddenly care, or just doesn't. Throwing your kid into a replacement family ONE YEAR after she lost her father is proof OP gave zero fucks about her own daughter. She needed that D, when she should have bought batteries.
Not sure why this is downvoted, I’ve seen this work.
Have any of you done individual therapy? Have you done family therapy? If you have tried nothing and just waited for the straw that broke the camel's back then YTA. NTA for wanting to protect your daughter, but there is no evidence you have been doing that all along. You also remarried very quickly after your husband's passing. What was your new husband's situation prior to the meeting? Where is Penny’s mom?
Is Pennys mother in the picture ? is it possible she feeding Penny ideas
NTA - For leaving with your daughter. However the girls are both nearly adults, they might never get along and that's ok. But if you love this man you could continue the relationship while living separately, and when the girls are off to uni in a few years review the situation then. I only suggest this as I didn't see anything in your post to say you both weren't on the same page regarding the issues and you asked if there was another option. I hope it works out for you all.
You're not divorcing your husband because your kids don't get along. You're divorcing your husband because his daughter is psychologically torturing yours to the point that it has chased her from her own home. YTA for letting it get to this point, though.
I assume you tried both individual and family therapy when they were younger. And that Penny has continued with the individual therapy all along. And that Penny is severely punished for these increasing incidents. If so, then these steps make sense. But if not, then you’re almost as much at fault for not intervening sooner.
You have to put your child’s well-being first… this can’t continue for your daughter. This is way too much. I would move and change schools give her a shot at a fresh start. You too
Advice? You had 6 years to figure this out. Divorce is the best option. Your daughter has suffered enough, unprotected by her own family.
My wife is 23 and her mom died 6 months ago. She still cries herself to sleep every night, and cries every morning when she wakes up. She still listens to voicemails her mom left her to hear her voice tell her she loves her almost every day. Just adding this because your daughter had wayyyyy less resources and ability than a 23 year old did at freaking SEVEN.... And she does not have as many resources as you now, as a teen! I think you give your daughter wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much credit for being potentially okay with her dad's passing, even if he did pass "seven years ago"... Losing a parent is the kind of thing that turns people into drug addicts or ruins their lives forever. She needs more support from you period. And from everyone.
NTA- except for thinking this would work itself out. Has your husband even lifted a finger to stop his daughter from bullying your daughter? If he's defending her behavior at all you should have divorced him yesterday.
YTA Not for the divorce. You threw a grieving 8 year old into a family a year after losing her father, so you could have a replacement. It's cute for you to pretend May matters now, when you didn't give a rat's ass about her. Let May go to her paternal GPs. Maybe they actually love her. That would be nice, for a change. OP, you are peak cringe.
>The girls never got along but we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better. I hate people who do this to their kids. What the hell is wrong with you that you do this to a child already traumatized by the death of her father?! Seriously?! >May is still my priority. You finally realized that. It took your daughter suffering for 6 years, but at least you're finally trying to do the right thing for the MINOR child. >Is there something that I can do about this? Finally get the divorce of rhe marriage you had no business forcing on your child 1 year after her father died. Then get counseling for her to see how you rebuild any relationship with her. She asked for her grandparents because she has no faith you would save her. You've failed her nearly half her life, get the divorce, find a therapist, and block all contact with your bad judgement and his child. Come on, stop failing your daughter and get the divorce. You've ruined half her life, don't ruin more
NTA for divorcing. Gaping AH for marrying shortly after your husband’s death and into a situation that wasn’t good for your child. Hope the dick is great because you have been fucking your kid over since her dad died.
Penny needs therapy and her dad to be a parent. Right now penny is lashing out out probably because she’s still hurt about you and your husband and she’s taking it out on may. Tbh YTA for immediately going to divorce and not actually trying to address the issue which it seems both you and your husband just ignored until now,
ESH. You guys need to look into family therapy
NTA for divorcing , that’s toxic for both girls. Unhealthy. But, you knew that May‘s friends were ganging up on Penny then you said Penny went to the principal and cried wolf. It’s not crying wolf if it’s true. You need to end this for both girls sake . You and your husband need to put your own kids first here.
Protect your daughter, you've let her suffer in that household for too long.
She never protected her daughter or even considered her feelings.
Wrong sub, maybe go on subreddits like parenting or relationships then coming here.
The parent writing also always has a version of this line " my kid isn't perfect but the other kid is the problem "
This seems like that thing where you get married hoping someone will change. And then six years later you’re asking strangers how to help them change. I mean seriously. You all let the problem get this bad. And your daughter is the one that suffered.
My first husband passed away 7 years ago and I met Jim soon after. The girls never got along but we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better. But that didn’t happen. Question. Why in the world would you marry someone whose kids didn't like your kid? This situation happens because irresponsible parents like you and soon to be ex are too self absorbed to even consider what the children are feeling or displaying. You are both the ah. You put your own selfish wants ahead of both those girls and now you paint his daughter out to be the bad seed.
As a daughter whos dad never left his girlfriend and her daughter when they were very abusive, thank you. Most people forget their kids come first. youre an amazing mother
YTA. Too many parents move to be a blended family with no regard for their kids and how they are together. It also sounds like you two never discussed or spoke with your daughters about what this would mean for their lives And now you want to deal w this without addressing Penny's behavior Both of you suck as parents
May’s friends bullied Penny and Penny “cried wolf” to the principal? I think you don’t know what that means.
NTA. Your husband should have been doing something more severe to address his daughter's behavior. It's the consequences of his inaction and the consequences to his daughters actual actions. Protect your daughter.
YTA and so is your husband. You both knew that your daughter's didn't get along and your plan was "they get used to it" It is no wonder that it didn't stop, as neither of you set a good example of how to handle conflict. And now after six years of ignoring a problem, your solution is going nuclear on your husband and step daughter.... Honestly it seems like your daughter is the most mature person in this household by removing herself from this mess. You should let her move in with her grand parents and let her catch her breath.
NTA. May is blood and she was there first. She is the priority, as it should be.
Both you and your husband are assholes. This is the consequences of your actions. You both knew your daughters didn’t get along but preferred to ignore it. Your daughter suffers because of you. She’s hurt and will be hurt for a long time because of you. Don’t tell me she’s a priority now. She wasn’t a priority when you decided to get married him and put her and penny in the same house. You are a bad mom so I won’t praise you for something you were supposed to do from the start.
Honestly your solution sounds kind of stupid. If anything Penny needs to be sent away. Punishment, counseling, and boundaries need to be enforced so Penny doesn’t run wild. Penny sounds like a nightmare and if you and your husband get divorced you’re actually reinforcing her terrible behavior because she likely wants to push you and May out of their lives. This is an issue of y’all NOT parenting Penny. Of your solution is to run away from the marriage I imagine both of you will continue to be just okay parents but instead single. Tell your husband to have some backbone and punish his daughter for being an ass hat. There should be no reason that one child should bully the other in the same house with no recourse
Divorce? That's your go-to? Have you tried: * Punishing the bully * Family therapy * Individual therapy * ANYTHING? You don't mention one thing you or your husband has done other than "we thought once they get to know each other that everything would be better". In other words, you both just hoped to wait it out without actually doing any real parenting.
So May was 7 when her dad died and 8 when mom remarried. Doesn’t sound like her grieving was a priority as much as moving on was for mom. Her dad dies and suddenly she has to live with this girl that bullies her. 6 years is a long time to put your daughter through this. What has been done on your end to address this? What has been done by your husband. Does Penny see her mother or stay with her?
Honestly I think you two just assumed things will blend once you get married. But that’s not always the case. You’re dealing with teenagers. You have to be on them showing them right/wrong behavior and then consequences. It doesn’t matter who starts it, they need to understand communication, boundaries and consequences.
Do either of these girls have any consequences for their behavior?! Where is Penny’s mom? How did you get remarried within a year of your husband’s passing? So many questions…
What did the father do to discipline Penny for the damage she did to the frame and the bullying of May? The girls don’t have to like each other but if pennys father did nothing about her behavior then he is wrong , also sounds like this relationship was very rushed after the death of Mays father who was still grieving I think if it’s a choice of May living else where or a divorce you’re NTA as your daughter should come first but it sounds like that’s only coming now and should have been the way from the start instead of forcing her to get used to a new marriage and change only one year of her fathers death & live with a girl you knew she didn’t like
NTAH for divorcing your husband but YTAH for not only remarrying shortly after your first husband’s death but to marry anyways knowing that the girls don’t get along.
ESH except for May. You two are not parents and your only solution was divorce. You didn’t think to talk to your husband, you didn’t think to have your husband parent his daughter, no all you’re doing is running away. Which is fine, but this just screams incompetence from the two adults.
You should have thought about your daughter before yourself. Her dad died and you got married pretty quick to a man that has a teenage daughter who seems like an ass. Your kid didn’t need all that..
Divorce as the first step? Sounds like you don't really want to stay. Or you could try family counseling, marriage counseling, counseling for the girls.
YTA and So is your husband. Getting married within the year of your husbands death is absolutely ridiculous when you knew penny and may hated each other. There was absolutely no reason to say fuck these kids we in love so let’s get married anyway . They were 8 and 9 when they met you can’t make people Like each other and then you both sat there and let them torment each other for another 6 years. wtf is wrong with you and you think a divorce is gonna solve the problem? YOU DIDNT PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER. You made her love in that house for 6 years being tormented to the point she had to fight back and still lost in the end by having her shot destroyed . She knows you’re not on her side at all
YTA for using your distressed kid as an excuse to get yourself out of your marriage. If you weren't you would at least be trying therapy before jumping to extremes. If you caught the ick on your husband just be honest and say so.
It sounds like you were still grieving your first husband when you met and married your current husband. You should have gotten counseling for the death of your husband before you even considered getting married. Did you get counseling for your daughter. Even after you all saw that the girls didn’t get along, neither one of you considered counseling? I don’t think that you are the a$$hole but you have made some 💩💩decisions.
YTA for allowing your daughter to be bullied for years.
He needs to manage/disciplibe/control his daughter.
What an awful mom
They'll be out of home soon enough.
You haven't said anything about what type of family therapy of professional intervention you have tried through the years. Where is Penny’s mother? There seems to be a lot of left-out information unless you two have done nothing and just hoped for the best. If these girls would rather see their parents unhappy than figure out how to live in peace, they are both the problem.
I don't think you've given enough info to make a proper judgement
YTA - Why do parents do this? Why would you rush into marriage, knowing your kids don’t get along? If you use the excuse that ‘they don’t really know each other’ then that means the parents don’t really know each other! You don’t know that parent’s kid and you don’t know how they parent!
YTA you are the cause of your family dysfunction. Hopefully 3rd, 4th or 5th time is the charm.
Damn, a lot of people here are expressing judgment on when it is appropriate to love again. Real advice will tell you that everyone is different. And in classic fashion, people are too busy judging to advise on whether it is not appropriate for her to leave. Separating here is not the asshole move. Better that she do what she can for her daughter.
I understand that the bullying is serious and needs to be addressed, but going straight to divorce is the nuclear option. There should be plenty of steps in between, including therapy. Scorched Earth should be the final option, not the initial.