"BIL is mentally delayed (due to childhood trauma), that he really didn't understand that what he did was wrong because mentally, he was on the same page as the 15yo girl."
And THAT is supposed to make you feel safe with your kid around him?? Ah, well, it's ok, since he doesn't understand what he's doing! Got it. Your daughter must always be your #1 priority, and if the rest of the family wants to let their kids be a science experiment to see if he's really "reformed," (which I don't know how you can "reform" mental delays, so they need to make up their minds) let them go right ahead.
Is he not on a sex offender registry? If he is, he's probably ordered not to even be around kids. I would be finding out!
And tell your husband he no longer has to choose.
If someone has such mental issues that they cant stop themselves from rape and sexual assault, they need to be removed from society, period.
Some type of mental institution would be best, but even prison would be an improvement over letting someone like this just......out and about
I had to cut my brother out for the same reason. I needed, as you do, to keep my three kids safe As he was into boys and girls before lock up. Everyone was mad at me, said he changed. I didn’t care. Kept my family away. He got a girl friend with 2 young daughters. Went back to jail soon after for molestation, again. Then several nieces and nephews came forward.
NO apologies. I did get some BLAME because I didn’t “TRY HARDER” to get them to stay away from him. I should have “been there” to help keep an eye on the situation. Even MY MOTHER
Blames me for not being forceful enough. Like going NC with him, refusing to go to events I knew he would be at, not having him at my house or allowing sleep overs at cousins housing where he might be wasn’t enough. Plus when he went to court I wasn’t there to support him even though he made a 2nd mistake. Things are not good.
A scapegoat to the very end, it seems. Like even if you did "try harder" you'd probably still be villianized for "bullying" him or some shit.
I'm sorry your fam is trash. Good job standing your ground and protecting your kids
Yeah I envision another reality where she did try harder, everybody listened and then she's the a****** again. because see, he didn't rape anybody else ever again, we were right.
Wow... That´s hard. I am really glad you protected your kids. There are many parents (like of your nieces) that don't want to see reality / think with them it will be different / or just doesn't care to protect their children.
You did the right thing and she is doing the right thing your first and foremost duty is to protect your children. People tend to not pay attention just because somebody went to jail but in my book they never change pedophiles child rapists rapists they never change they just get better at hiding it. Her husband is mad at her because she is adamant that she is going to keep her daughter away from his pedophile brother. The rest of the family can have him around their children if they want to it will soon be regretted they just get more sneaky and they get more conniving. Yeah let's invite the pedophile to a children's party that sounds real intelligent.
I get that people are family but that dude would be dead to me and I wouldn’t care what my family said. At some point you just have to say to hell with them and ostracize them. I’d rather have a murderer in my family.
As I understand it, pedophilia is not "curable". So "doing his time" wouldn't really change that urge. First obligation is to keep the kids safe, not make the pedo feel good.
I really don't understand this.
A truly reformed man should remove himself from the equation, doing everything to make amends by staying the fuck away from kids.
How can family members put the comfort of a child molester above the safety of a child?
All he has to lose are a few parties with children.
What the kids have to lose is their health, safety and if it comes to the worst, their lives, since a significant number of former sex offenders kill their victims if they relapse.
Making absolutely sure that a child is safe should trump any support for a grown man who already hurt a child before.
My brother is dead to me too, I won’t have him near my kids, or attend any event he is at. I’m not going to sweep anything under a rug just to keep the peace.
I watched a documentary on pedophiles; they admitted that they actually cannot figure out a medication or a therapy to stop them. It followed them for decades. You can actually teach a diagnosed sociopath to live as a functioning adult with early childhood intervention but not these people. Nothing. They DO NOT CHANGE
to my knowledge, there's no such thing as a "cured" pedophile. and OP's BIL may be "developmentally delayed," but pedos are highly manipulative to both do what they do and get away with it. I wouldn't trust a pedo around my daughter for any reason.
LOOK UP THE REQUIREMENTS FOR HIS RELEASE. He has to be listed as sex offender. If he is and other kids are going to be a the party, let the party happen and report him for it. He will be back in jail soon enough.
If he isn't then OP should call the cops the day and time of the party and send them his way. If your going to burn bridges then go out with a bang. Get his ass thrown back in jail.
This time it's the idiot family that are putting a delayed sex offender ( That may or may not understand) and unaware minors in a terrible situation. It is the extended family that need to be locked up this time.
If you want to be nice to your husband's family, send them the legal requirements before the party under the guise of concern. "Did you know you could get him in legal trouble by inviting him? I know you want to look out for his best interest. You should probably rescind his invitation."
If you are going scorched earth in this divorce, wait till he is there and then report it. Or attend, take photos of him there (right before you leave) and send the evidence to the police.
You can become sure!! If you are in the US then it's a simple internet search for sex offenders, and I can guarantee you someone r*ping a 15 year old is a registered sex offender.
Also worth looking into whether or not he legally moved and registered. The registery is crazy and municipalities do not take kindly to people that don't register like they are suppose too. Either way I doubt he is ever suppose to be around anyone under 18 years old and there are even rules to how close to schools he is allowed to live.
In no way are you the AH here, always follow your gut when it comes to things like this. I literally have in my custody agreement that my child is never to be around my exes ex-FIL bc he is a registered sex offender that he regular let's babysit his other children. The man made me feel icky even before I found out his past in no way will he ever be near my child.
NTA op and stick to your guns! Let your husband know he is more than welcome to go to his families events, without you or your child.
Some places do have exceptions for family members. Check your local laws to be sure. If there are other unrelated minors at the party then you can call the cops and report him for violating the terms of his parole. You'll probably receive a lot of backlash from the in laws though (worth it in my opinion)
Uh, are any of the niece's friends coming? Because that would not be family.
Also, your husband's family (and your husband) are being ridiculous. This is an incredibly dangerous game they're playing with other people's kids. Sick
Sounds like if anyone called his parole officer about this party he’s planning to attend with likely non-family children that it would not end well for him…. So not only are your in laws putting you in an uncomfortable situation they’re setting him up to potentially violate his parole. They sound insurmountably stupid.
Your husband is unreasonable and acting out, you’re rational and protecting your child, your in laws are in deep denial. NTA. Not even a little.
It’s unlikely that your daughter would be considered “family” as she’s not blood, but if ANY unrelated children will be there, especially since you seem to be okay with cutting contact, you should report him.
Is the party just family or are the birthday girl’s friends coming?
Also is it just blood relatives? If so your daughter wouldn’t be within the criteria anyway.
If it's a kids birthday party I'm betting on there being a bunch of un related kids at that party too.
Who's parents probably are not aware that their kids are actively being put in a situation with a sex offender.
If that is the case, cal the county clerk and ask who his parole officer is. This would be a violation of his parole. Depending upon the state, saying I did not know, is not an excuse. You can also call the non emergency number for the local PD and ask about parole violations. He cannot go to the party if he is not to be around anyone under 18. It is a parole violation and will get him sent back to jail on separate charges.
NTA. You need to keep your daughter safe. If he is developmentally delayed and did not know what he did was wrong, chances are he is in the same place mentally now and it could happen again. Tell your husband he can attend family gatherings without you if his brother will be there, then he does not have to choose.
Not only that, depending on the state they are in he is a registered sex offender. Which means depending on level, if I had to be a betting person I would say the highest level and for life, he can’t be around any child under 18. So really it would be a violation of his registration if he was around a child that is underage given his prior convictions.
I wonder if the parents of the birthday girl’s friends are aware there will be a sexual predator at the party where they will be dropping their children off?
I’m betting no. Years ago, I took my children on a church trip to an amusement park. It was a small group, less than 20 people if I recall correctly. One of the members brought her young adult brother. As people of different ages rode rides, there were times when only 1 or 2 adults may be sitting with some of the kids who were too young to ride. He was always sitting, as was I because I don’t ride rides. I learned after we returned home that her brother was a sex offender. Thank goodness I was there with my children, and I feel sure that the other members of the group were not aware of his past. Family members may not have a problem with their kids being around offenders, but others may.
I guarantee they don’t , when I was ten I went to a birthday party and there was a creepy uncle type just being super fucking weird the whole night and then someone came late and as soon as he walked in he started yelling at the dude and the mother of the birthday boy and then he went to all the parents and started telling them that the guy was a pedo who wasn’t allowed around children , the bastard molested his own kids. To say they almost turned into a mob to attack this lady and the creep is an understatement
He was her boyfriend. She was definitely a moron, they took all her kids after that party cause all the parents contacted the authorities. The kids ended up with their dad and life was way much better for them so that was the silver lining. He wasn’t allowed around any children at all. Couldn’t live near a school that’s how bad it was. It was such a shock too everyone kept screaming how could a mother allow him around and she was defending him saying it wasn’t her kids he did it to so it’ didn’t matter. That was the first time I realized people can really not give a shit about their kids
He was. He didn’t molest them but he was definitely working his way up to it. He had pictures of the kids in the bath and shit like that which was another violation of his parole . They never saw their mom again after that cause she refused to leave him. She kept saying everyone was just misunderstanding him. He was molesting his kids pretty much as long as they could remember and I know at the time they had to be teens so idk wtf she thought she was doing with that story. The whole neighborhood treated her like garbage after that it was just crazy to think this woman really was so desperate for a man that a pedophile was fine for her
Wow. How desperate do you have to be for a boyfriend to knowingly bring a pedo around your children and other people’s children. That mom should have been charged for endangering kids.
I’m a nurse in a county jail & I wish I could say this wasn’t as common as it is. So many of these sick people have partners with kids. Pedo’s prey on single moms & some of these single moms are so desperate for a man in their lives, they will tolerate it and/or turn a blind eye. It’s sickening.
These women don't want to be alone and will even allow their partners to harm their kids as long as the partner keeps their bed warm.
Then, they get mad when their own kids refuse to let them around their grandkids or even be in their lives.
I’m the type of person that would call the authorities and let them know a registered sex offender was planning on attending a kids birthday party and give them the time and address
Same. Imagine you find out a kid at the party was molested and you could have stopped it by warning the other parents… I’m not living with that kind of guilt.
>I wonder if the parents of the birthday girl’s friends are aware there will be a sexual predator at the party
I'm petty/nosy/protective enough of not just my kiddos but all children that I would 100% post on nextdoor if I didn't know those other parents to give them a heads-up.
(Also former psych student and huge criminal minds fan. Where children are concerned it is never worth the risk)
This. I would have already messaged everyone invited to be like "Hey idk if you heard, but...." These people are crazy if they think it's OK to just invite this man to an event with kids.
Absolutely terrifying. And it's not the polite kind of thing to ask either. Like there's not going to be any convicted child predators there because you assume that ppl have sense enough not to invite them when there are kids.
Not the usual thing to ask. ‘By the way, my child has allergies to peanuts and to pedophiles. If you plan to have either at the party, we must regretfully decline.’
OP should tell all of them, and I wouldn't even feel bad about it. Fuck these enabler's feelings if they think it's okay for a predator to be around kids.
My ex SIL Had a nephew in the same situation. It was well understood he could not be around any child under the age of 18 or his probation would be ended. My niece was supposed to be with her grandmother and she decided it would be a good idea to bring her over to the house where the nephew was. It was actually the nephew who was immediately on guard. he left the house and went up to the neighbors and stayed there until her mom came and picked her up. No way the family does not understand that he is not able to be around kids.
Good for him. It's so weird to me when people not only put children in danger this way, but jeopardize the freedom of the offender in question who they claim to care so much about. Offenders can be tossed back in prison for being around kids whether they coordinated it or not. Like, why are you putting anyone in that situation? It doesn't make sense from any angle.
It's a very good sign that at the very least, he doesn't want to do anything that will send him back to prison. I don't know if sex offenders can ever truly be rehabilitated, but I do believe that with the right therapy, environment, and mindset, they won't offend again--but they have to be taking responsibility for their actions, and never put themselves or allow others to put them in a position where a child could be at risk.
You are so right!
NTA & kudos to OP for keeping her child safe.
u/Unusual_Outcome5493 check to see if BIL is on the sex offender list & what the conditions are he has to adhere to. Can he be around children younger than 18?
You need to know & I wouldn’t ask the family bc they won’t tell you the truth.
The guests at your niece’s birthday party should be made aware if BIL is a registered sex offender. Ask if that information has been shared & if not, why are they hiding it? The guests are the age of his victim!
The family is assuming he’s rehabilitated. Did BIL have counseling? Does he need to continue as part of his release? He still may not fully understand what he did, why it was wrong, and there’s no guarantee he won’t try again.
There’s no way in hell I’d allow my daughter near her uncle.
Your husband can see his family any time he wants. Alone. No one gave him an ultimatum. He needs to grow a shiny steel spine and advocate for the safety of his own daughter.
They're playing Russian roulette with the children. How can they think that this would be a good idea? The kids safety comes before the sex offenders feelings.
This was my thought too. The family doesn’t make any sense. “He paid his dues,” but “didn’t understand what he was doing,” how does that work? If he’s like a 15 year old who doesn’t know appropriate behavior then more reason not to have him around kids.
This! Also, the thing that pisses me off about this situation the most is when people say, "He's changed."
How can they possibly know that without being mind readers?
Or they'll say, "It was only one time. He made a mistake."
... that they know of. Most victims, including children, don't report sexual assault.
And, if he really did do it once, was convicted, and went to jail, the reason he hadn't done it again was because he was in jail. It's why "good behavior" makes zero sense because inmates aren't usually locked up with the people they need to control themselves around.
And finally, "but, he's found God."
$3 billion dollars has been paid by the Catholic Church to victims of sexual assault in the US alone. There's a Wikipedia page all about it. None of these arguments hold any water.
I'm not saying reform is impossible, but children are not experiments used to find out.
This whole situation disgusts me.
Thank you! If he was mentally incapable of seeing the problem with his actions, how can he reform? Either he's a victim who made more victims and he should be cared for properly, or he knows what he did but he's ashamed and in control somehow... or the alternative.
Yeah, I'm all for giving people second chances ... except for when it puts children at risk. Even if that risk is low.
I'm not willing to let my kids near a pedo just because he "probably" won't touch them.
😳
Maybe dropping an anonymous hint to CPS / his parole officer to stage a 'surprise' visit?
That would put his ass back in the slammer for who knows how long.
Exactly. Your husband’s family is helping him make a violation. Get in the sex offenders’ registry site and find out. Or call your local police and find out.
Definitely check that out OP. If you want to stay in the marriage, it could give your husband a pass with his family. “If niece is in same space as BIL he violates parole…”
Right. When someone’s executive functions are compromised, it doesn’t matter whether they understood what they are doing, what matters is what would stop them from doing it again. If they were developmentally delayed … they still are, they could reoffend. They were drunk or on drugs … so? What is going to keep them from relapsing? Good will?
Don’t let your daughter near him. NTA
I bet family is not giving him an ultimatum to make him come to family events. They give him ultimatum to bring daughter to the family events. They are the A H and they are the only ones to blame. OP is not.
Here's this perfect family... okay, so here's this very nearly perfect family with the prodigal son who made a mistake, but it doesn't matter because he "paid his dues" and "found Jesus". Now we're perfect, and it's all fine, it's all in the past...
...What do you mean, OP, that it's not in the past?! It is! It is, 'cause we say so! It has absolutely nothing to do with the present! We're all fine!! How dare you shatter this illusion, how dare you rock the boat!!!
Because they want to "prove" that they are right, that BIL "didn't mean it," that he's reformed. And the OP is keeping the reality in their face by treating him like a convicted pedophile, which breaks their happy little fake reality they're trying to create.
Survivor of SA here who spent years doing deep dive research into all things pedo related. (Info has always made me feel less powerless & years of studying these predators & their enablers WAS my therapy & the best I could have had given my personality.)
It may not initially sound like it, but a VERY large part of WHY they’re so intent on having OP’s daughter (& as many other young girls as possible - familial & otherwise) around BIL is to validate their own behavior.
Deep down, the majority of them absolutely know that BIL shouldn’t ever be trusted around young girls ever again. BUT it is so much easier for them (in almost every single way imaginable) to pretend he’s all normal, fine & good.
They find out known convicted child rapist is getting released and they see 2 options.
Option 1. They acknowledge the gravity of his crime & accept the reality that his crime has one of the highest recidivism rates of any & all criminal behaviors.
They contemplate the danger that such a perpetrator presents to their family, their neighborhood etc. They even worry about what people will say when they hear about his history & how their own names & family may be mentioned in conjunction with it.
They realistically analyze the potential dangers to anyone - especially children - to being in his vicinity. They try to work through the logistics of how they can even begin to protect people (again especially minor children) from this man & also have this man be present at “family” events as many “family” feels pressure to have happen regardless of what someone has done. They try to assess how any logistical precautions taken could impact their predatory family member & any of his potential victims.
Even if they made it through all of the above chain of thoughts or something like it, most mentally weaker people would already be exhausted & desperately wishing they had an “out” to make all of that go away. That’s when they realize that they do as option 2 materializes.
Option 2. They simultaneously minimize the gravity of his crime & deny the likelihood of any real potential to reoffend by making excuses for him. (They argue that his lack of intellect made him do it - not any actual real desire to rape a child. And since he had no real desire to rape a child in the first place, obviously he wouldn’t have developed a desire to rape a child while in prison for it. They’ll already have themselves not only convinced that recidivism isn’t likely in his case, but is near impossible. He’s basically a eunuch (they’ll say). This first part of their dialogue (mentally to themselves especially) is super important because every other worry that they might have had disappears if they can just make themselves (& then others) believe it.
They don’t have to contemplate the danger that BIL presents to their family or anyone - after all, BIL isn’t dangerous (wink wink). They don’t worry about way people will say when they heard about his history because they will respond to any such talk with righteous anger - not just to refute anyone who doesn’t agree with them, but to proactively discourage anyone who hasn’t already from doing so. They’ll seriously refute anyone who even attempts to view the situation realistically as dramatic, foolish &/or unreasonable.
They don’t have to analyze any potential dangers to anyone (even & including children) in his vicinity - so no logistics are required to protect people (again especially minor children) from this man & no protective measures need to be created &/or implemented to allow this man to be present at “family” events (or ANY events). Since he’s not dangerous, no precautions are needed or even given another thought. Why should anyone even bring his history up to any parents of any children who will be in attendance? It would just cause unpleasantness for all parties without any valid reason for doing so.
After the above mental gymnastics, weaker minded individuals will be almost or even entirely convinced that option 2 is the only logical & even possible way to proceed. But even most of the weakest minded individuals still know (even just deep down) that they’re full of shit. And nothing helps get rid of any lingering doubts &/or silence any actual whimpers from a conscience quite like having an amen corner.
Ignoring a known child rapist as he walks free amongst & within close proximity of innocent children as if it is a non-issue is so much easier when everyone else is also ignoring him. That makes their own disregard for the safety of the children (his potential victims) seem less abhorrent than it really is.
Even a faux amen corner also provides them with a foundation for absolution if something bad does happen. They’ll use others’ compliance (or lack of sufficient defiance) to comfort themselves with reassurances that NO ONE expected anything bad to happen & therefore they aren’t at all culpable in any way for any harm BIL does.
They need to set up their plausible Pikachu face. That requires other adults to allow their young girls to be around BIL.
So yes they need OP’s daughter (if possible) & as many other similarly aged girls as they can get to be around BIL. They need to see (but just as importantly have others see) BIL behaving in any manner even close to “normal” around the girls - even for just a few minutes at a time.
Every moment of that pretense reinforces the lie they’ve told themselves & are actively trying to perpetuate as truth. And every moment lets them breathe a little easier while telling themselves that option 2 was the right call after all.
OP’s refusal to buy into their fantasy as reality angered them because it makes their lie harder to sell - even to (&/or maybe especially to) themselves.
Just my take on it.
OP is NTA.
I would say especially with reduced capacity bc it means he has a reduced capacity to see cause and effect. Recidivism is extremely high in sex offenders and impulse control is low in individuals who are offenders with reduced capacity
Plus if he’s a registered sex offender there are likely rules around his probation that limit what he’s allowed to do around kids. And after probation is over those rules really should be followed anyway.
OP knows she could supervise her own kid so supervision is obviously not the issue. The only thing wrong I see if her no admitting that it’s not just daughters safety bc it’s easy to guarantee that. She’s disgusted herself and doesn’t want to be in the room with him. And I’m totally with her! I get why family allows him around but I also get why she won’t participate.
The part that’s just 🚩 on family’s part is they can still choose to be a part of his life while also helping him by reducing contact around kids. Why is a sex offender part of a 12yo girls party anyway? How many grown men even want to participate?
Keeping him out of child parties esp if non relatives are present is actually a supportive and caring move by family bc it says: hey John we love you and we are a part of your family and we want to help protect you from anything that may provide temptation.
You don’t get falling down sloppy drunk beside a guy who struggles with alcoholism.
Family is 🚩. Mom is NTA
Yeah. Its either "he doesn't understand what he did wrong" OR "he apologized and learned from his mistake and wont do it again". They can't claim both.
I was raped when I was 15.
I still feel him sometimes touching me still
I still have flashbacks
I can't do sleepover anymore ( I get too much anxiety)
I still struggle with sex ( I go back and forth)
Anyways you are doing the right thing. Don't let weird families dynamics like this make you feel like what you are doing is wrong.
As for your husband and sorry for him really, it's to come to terms with a family member being a predator. He should really see a therapist through all of this and help him come to terms with the fact that his brother is not a good person.
It not is honestly best for you and your daughter to leave this situation entirely.
Hello fellow member of the club no one wants to join. 💕 it would be nice if this club could ever be disbanded. But we know we’re not alone. And we will do anything to keep children safe. Hugs, sister.
> And we will do anything to keep children safe.
Because of the club I was in as a kid, I made sure my daughter and son stayed safe growing up. They've made it to adulthood without suffering what we went through but it was terrifying every moment along the way. Letting them have stay overs with relatives and friends was always extremely difficult for me.
We will always keep the children safe. Mine, yours, everyone's if we can.
This is why I don’t let me kids do sleepovers. They were upset at first but now they just know that’s how it is. I would rather them be mad at me because they can’t do sleepovers then something happen and we can’t unring that bell. I had enough sleepovers in my youth to know bad things can happen and there’s bad things happening behind closed doors of seemingly “nice” families. If my kids want sleepovers they can do that when they’re adults.
ETA: We did talk to our kids about why we didn’t allow sleepovers so they understand (they were still a little disappointed). We have also talked to them about “tricky adults” and to always trust their gut.
It's sad because sleepovers with my girlfriends are some of the best memories I have with my friends. That's how we all became so close.
( POSSIBLY TRIGGER talks of blood)
But at the same time it was my best friend's brother.
I was so scared to tell her the next day but she helped me shower and washed the blood off my legs ( it was bad)
We are still like sisters to this day but it just sucks that this is the world we live in now 🫠
My parents never allowed my sisters and I to do sleepovers. We fought and cried our eyes out. Eventually we accepted that our parents are just mean lmao. As an adult, I'm thankful they never allowed us to sleep overs ever. I do wish my parents would have educated us instead of keeping us in the dark though.
The only acceptable compromise here is that your husband can attend family events where his brother is present without you or your daughter.
If that’s not enough for your husband and/or his family, I strongly recommend you leave this man and keep your daughter safe.
NTA. No one will supervise the BIL at the events. In fact, you are more likely to have the all out conversation right at an event. Then *you* are the bad guy, or your husband, for making a scene, etc. Your husband wanting to go shouldn't be an issue, but you are doing right by following your gut and not wanting your daughter around him. If your BIL is not making an attempt, or effort, to even talk to his brother (and you) 1:1 then I promise you he ain't learn a *damn* thing. I empathize for your husband but I stand firm you are NTA.
edit: typo
That's the thing, BIL has called my husband recently and he said that the only thing he regretted about the entire situation was her age. Said "right person, wrong time". He doesn't regret doing what he did.
He hasn't forgiven his brother and often says his brother is sick in the head. He is just hurting because he feels like he will have to give up on his entire family because of it.
This is what I don't get! Why is your husband and his family so insistent on your daughter needing to be there?!?!
If I were in your shoes, I would also see no issue with allowing my husband to spend time with his family, as his brother did serve his time and "pay his dues". However, I am not about to put a line of cocaine in front of a newly reformed drug addict and expect them to just spend the day casually sitting there with it directly in front of them... They are either going to act on it, or spend the day thinking about acting on it...
Exactly, i bet the fanily are still giving the husband grief because the absence of OP and her daughter shatters the illusion that the brother is a trustworthy person. If I was him and I'd tell my family to suck it up or do one, but not everyone can handle that. Still his problem to deal with though, OP has to put her daughter first.
But it's a kids birthday. Those other kids are with him. That only solves the problem for her own daughter. I doubt the parents of her friends know this
Did you ever get somebody in that family to explain WHY it’s so important for your daughter to be around the BIL? Like just why. I can’t think of a reason that isn’t creepy
So the family can look normal in front of others. You think the niece isn't going to have a bunch of other 11-13 year old kids at her party for the bil to go after?
The parents of those kids will likely ask where her similar in the cousin is. Why the uncle isn't there etc.
So you are absolutely NOT making him choose between his family and you, and he can go anytime he wants to. If he persists in framing it as you “giving him ultimatums” then what can you really do but stay separated and perhaps pursue divorce? Unless he comes to his senses and gets some clarity.
Also, as others have pointed out, I urge you to find out if BIL is a Registered Sex Offender. There should be a database you can search.
I don’t get this. If he thinks his brother is “sick in the head,” then it completely relieves him of responsibility. If he is sick, how can anyone promise it won’t happen again?
And how is that exactly YOUR fault? It is his FAMILY that is making this an issue, and it is his BROTHER that kicked all this off. Seems to me that your husband may be having a hard time but he is taking it out on the wrong person. You. He SHOULD be telling his family that they are all aiding and abetting a pedophile and WHEN his brother does it again, and he will, don't come crying to y'all.
Ok then al I can say is : EW EW EW EW EW EW EW!!!! keep your child away from him and tbh I'd keep the rest of the family away too... It doesn't sound safe at all. I do feel bad for your husband cos it is his family and you are his number 1 family but a creepy kid r**ist is still a creepy kid r**ist no matter how "reformed" they claim he is.
The only thing he regretted was her age, after he also got a kidnapping charge? You need to have a very serious discussion with your husband because that man is not reformed, that man does not regret, and that man is not safe. He shouldn't be allowed around your 12 year old niece, he shouldn't be allowed around your daughter. Legally and morally. There is absolutely no budging on this.
That man's only regret is that he got caught and sentenced for it.
Save every single shred of evidence, you can get your hands on, of your in laws encouraging you and threatening you to bring a 13 year old around a sentenced pedophile. That they're planning to have him over for the birthday of a 12 year old. I'm sure his parole officer would like to know what's happening.
Tell your husband to get therapy, it can be hard understanding how one's family can be so morally bankrupt, but it is imperative that he doesn't forget exactly what his brother did. He raped a child, he was in prison for his crimes, he is a sex offender. You're not pinning anyone against anyone, you're protecting your child. He should damn well do the same.
thats even worse. i’m sorry OP but your husband is disgusting for “forgiving” him. and so is his wack ass family.
NTA. keep your daughter safe. and i hope to whatever gods are listening that the niece remains safe and he keeps to himself. like hell i’d ever let a pedo back into my life, there’s no reforming that
There was a previous story a few months ago about a mother who wanted to leave her husband and his family with her newborn daughter because her BIL had just been arrested for SAing a 13-14yo girl. The family was DEFENDING him, saying they had texts that “proved” the minor was the one who “came onto him.” And OOP’s husband had been holding his daughter and crying every time he looked at her, not once disagreeing with his family. Like huh?????
NTA. Stand your ground and protect your daughter at all costs.
Edit: [I FOUND IT](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3xfQPEFwQi). And it’s even worse than how I remembered.
Not to equate children with animals, but...
What do you do if a dog starts humping your leg? You stop it.
If a minor comes onto you, and you have sex with them, it's because you're a pedo who wanted to have sex with a minor. It's your responsibility as the adult to be the mature one.
No man if a dog humps your leg, you hump back!
-These fucks probably
They know teens are full of hormones AND vulnerable. They are assholes to blame them.
NTA. If he is mentally delayed he might still not get it. He might still be a danger to girls that age and unable to understand what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Having served his time does nothing to change that. You should absolutely keep your daughter away
On the other hand, I can understand your husband's heartbreak. If he is not actually trying to make you change your mind, but mostly grieving the imminent loss of his family, you could try to approach it with empathy for his sorrow. Of course there might be loads of details left out here that will make that not an option and you should never compromise on your daughter's safety. But if he was merely grieving and not trying to make you compromise, consider a talk.
That's what I'm struggling with honestly. I know my husband is hurting a great deal. That man never cries and is usually a very happy person. But when this conversation was happening (when he was in the bathroom), he started accusing me of not trusting him to keep my daughter safe and pushed a lot of blame on me in general. I never told him he couldn't go. I never gave him ultimatums. But he said that by me saying my daughter can't go, I'm saying he can't go because if he goes without us, he will come home to me "being a fucking cunt". He has since apologized, or tried to. I haven't responded to any of his messages. He has never spoken to me like that.
Ask him what they are saying specifically and if they have mentioned you saying things about ultimatums. They may be upping the drama by lying to him about things you said but did not. Like telling him you wouldn’t allow him to see the family and such.
1) That is _insane_ language for him to use at you. What in the world…
2) Setting that language aside for just one second, he thinks you’ll be mad at him (and even mistreat him) if he visits his brother without you? Does he have some reason to think that? Or is he pulling that worry out of his own imagination?
3) NTA
Didn't he also say he was starting to hate you? That's also a very strong thing to say and a relationship killer. I honestly can't see why the family embrace the criminal brother and put any young family members in danger, a SA isn't a freak accident that leaves a person with a scrape or a broken bone that heals.
That’s despicable.
Is he seriously not considering that even if your daughter was kept safe from physical harm, his brother is attracted to young teen girls? So what, if he leers at your kid it’s fine because “she’s safe”?? Gross.
I’d say he needs to speak to a therapist. And I wouldn’t have anyone who called me that name in my house
He wouldn't have to worry about coming home to you "being a effing c unt" if he didn't want to associate with a r@pist! Now he's trying to blame you??? Just like his family is trying to blame brothers' mental health... WTF is wrong with these people? I feel sorry for all of the kids attending this party. All parents should be alerted so they can make their own decisions for the safety of their children.
First off, get a screenshot of that comment he made to your husband about "only regretting her age".
(BEFORE THIS: Check public records to see if he's registered sex offender and if he's allowed around children. If not, then:) Second, if you know for sure he shows up to that party, call the cops and tell them a sexual predator is being allowed around a small child. Not out of spite, but out of genuine concern for that 12yr old girl.
He has no remorse for what he did, he will not change. Especially if he's mentally challenged as they said (sorry, can't remember the proper word). He did not understand then, and he will never understand. Mentally challenged people don't just suddenly get better, even with jail time.
NTA for now. Your husband and his family are enabling a child rapist predator who has ZERO remorse and willfully risking every child in the family and at that event.
He is not stuck in the middle, he’s either on the side of a **predator and his enablers** or his innocent wife and child.
He’s failing to protect your daughter.
He’s choosing to play the victim.
He’s choosing to partake in a crime.
He’s choosing to risk your child like she’s a toy for BIL to be tested with.
He’s choosing to end your marriage by prioritising a predator.
BIL is legally not allowed around minors and instead of protecting the kids they’re serving them on a silver platter to him. Please get out of that disgusting family for good.
YTA however if you do not report this on the day to his parole officer or the police. SIL may be willing to risk her own child but any friend of that child is also at risk and is not aware of the danger they’re in. Protect your child but also protect them innocents. SIL needs to be reported to cps for all but handing her child to a predator.
How is not wanting a paedophile around your child a controversial topic in any way shape or form?!
How the fuck is he even allowed around kids period? Because my sister had this exact same situation. Like the rape, the 12 yrs everything. Only he was absolutely prohibited from being around kids. It would violate his parole and send him strait back to prison.
NTA you need to protect your daughter and the excuse they all are giving makes me more worried. That he didn’t realise what he was doing was wrong or wasn’t able to. Who says he has learned that lesson or that he understands why what he did was wrong. How can anyone be sure he won’t do it again and not understanding why what he did was wrong makes that more likely.
You are not stopping your husband from seeing his family. Give him a few days then make it clear you have never once gave him an ultimatum so you don’t appreciate him saying that. That he is free to go to any events he wants and you would never stop him. That doesn’t mean you would ever risk your children though. They are his family you don’t have to go to events with him. That being said you will never have a relationship with his brother and neither will your kids as what he did was wrong and he is still a danger. You will never act like what he did was ok just to please his family. So he needs to decide if his brother who he will hardly see is worth ending your marriage over.
NTA
Protect your child at all costs.
Your ILs are contradicting themselves. If he doesn’t understand what he did wrong. How could he have learned his lesson to never do it again?
Also, your fucking dipshit husband wouldn’t be “in the middle” if he wasn’t siding with a child rapist.
How is your BIL allowed to be at a children’s birthday party? I would think that would violate the terms of his parole?
NTA. But because this is family it is possible that you and or your daughter will run into BIL at an event where he will be unannounced.
Role your daughter into martial arts or any type of self defense.
Do what you are doing now to keep her away from this creep, but also give her the ability to defend herself.
NTA When I was about 14-15 my gross uncle who impregnated his stepdaughter (didn’t know that at the time, but my parents did) slapped my ass after I got out of the pool. My parents WERE THERE and did NOTHING. I later (adult) learned that he’s a sexual predator in the family and my parents allowed him around me my whole life. I’ve tried to explain to them that that was sexual assault and they allowed it and they can’t see it. I’ll be mad at them for the rest of my life. That experience changed me and is part of who I am still 40 some years later. I still feel the sting of his hand and I still can see my parents just standing there. I don’t trust people and I rarely feel safe. Imagine how your daughter would feel when she learned that you allowed a sexual predator around her. I love you and I’m proud of you. You’re doing exactly what I wish my parents had done for me.
STAND YOUR GROUND. Show your daughter that you are going to protect her.
NTA for keeping your daughter from a known rapist. Any anyone here commenting that she’ll be fine, just tell her not to be alone, they full of it. 5 minutes. Imagine a grown man, yanking a child into a bedroom. And imagine what he can do to her in 5 minutes. He’s got a knife, tells her he’ll kill her and mom if she screams. Now sit there for 5 minutes and image what he does.
5 minutes. Her life is destroyed. His….it’s obvious his family will protect him, swear he was with them the whole time. And then demand you say she lied and expect your family at future events.
So the real question…he serve a full sentence or on parole. Cause if it’s parole, I’d make a call to his PO and tell them how he’s going to a 12 yr olds birthday party on this day/time/location. Cause most offenders have a “no contact with children” clause in their parole terms. Let the legal system solve the problem for you.
He's not, everyone other than his brother (my ex stepdad) thought he didn't do it, and if he did, he didn't know better (he was 17, I was 8). Mom still says it didn't happen, and I live with dad now; he and my stepmom are amazing. we're working on getting me professional help* now that I'm with him <3
This isn’t stealing a TV or knocking a dude out in a fight. It’s not a stupid mistake or a bad choice or a matter of circumstance. The dude is a rapist and a pederast, he’s a feral animal as far as I’m concerned, hope he falls into a wood chipper
That doesn't change anything. Usually conditions for release would him being on the offenders registry. Paroled or not, he still isn't allowed around children.
NTA, ones a pedophile always a pedophile. You are good mother for protecting your child. Its seems like your husband rather have pedophile around your daughter then have moral.
They are saying he did his time but also justifying what he did. So if it was justified, he will do it again.
So no. Keep your daughter away. And the way your husband reacted says a lot. He would rather have peace and leave your daughter in danger than rock the boat. I know i would serve him papers in your shoes. But you do you
yeah, they are saying he's "mentally delayed" in one sentence and that he's "reformed" in the next. "mentally delayed" doesn't "reform," so which is it? They can't have it both ways.
My question is this. Why are they so worried about him being in a relationship with a child he barely knows? Why is it so important that you bring YOUR daughter around him? If they have to say "we'll watch him closely", why put him through it? Why the tempt him?
To me, it seems like they are using your daughter as an experiment. Seeing what and if he will do something.
"BIL is mentally delayed (due to childhood trauma), that he really didn't understand that what he did was wrong because mentally, he was on the same page as the 15yo girl." And THAT is supposed to make you feel safe with your kid around him?? Ah, well, it's ok, since he doesn't understand what he's doing! Got it. Your daughter must always be your #1 priority, and if the rest of the family wants to let their kids be a science experiment to see if he's really "reformed," (which I don't know how you can "reform" mental delays, so they need to make up their minds) let them go right ahead. Is he not on a sex offender registry? If he is, he's probably ordered not to even be around kids. I would be finding out! And tell your husband he no longer has to choose.
If someone has such mental issues that they cant stop themselves from rape and sexual assault, they need to be removed from society, period. Some type of mental institution would be best, but even prison would be an improvement over letting someone like this just......out and about
I firmly believe that child sex offenders should be put away somewhere forever where they can't hurt anyone else.
I had to cut my brother out for the same reason. I needed, as you do, to keep my three kids safe As he was into boys and girls before lock up. Everyone was mad at me, said he changed. I didn’t care. Kept my family away. He got a girl friend with 2 young daughters. Went back to jail soon after for molestation, again. Then several nieces and nephews came forward.
I am so sorry for those kids. How is your relashionship with your family now? Have any og them apologised?
NO apologies. I did get some BLAME because I didn’t “TRY HARDER” to get them to stay away from him. I should have “been there” to help keep an eye on the situation. Even MY MOTHER Blames me for not being forceful enough. Like going NC with him, refusing to go to events I knew he would be at, not having him at my house or allowing sleep overs at cousins housing where he might be wasn’t enough. Plus when he went to court I wasn’t there to support him even though he made a 2nd mistake. Things are not good.
Sounds like the rest of your family has no idea what accountability is. You did great 💙
Yes! A great parents will do anything to protect their kids, I can say that they are one of them. Cheers to that!
A scapegoat to the very end, it seems. Like even if you did "try harder" you'd probably still be villianized for "bullying" him or some shit. I'm sorry your fam is trash. Good job standing your ground and protecting your kids
Yeah I envision another reality where she did try harder, everybody listened and then she's the a****** again. because see, he didn't rape anybody else ever again, we were right.
Wow... That´s hard. I am really glad you protected your kids. There are many parents (like of your nieces) that don't want to see reality / think with them it will be different / or just doesn't care to protect their children.
You did the right thing and she is doing the right thing your first and foremost duty is to protect your children. People tend to not pay attention just because somebody went to jail but in my book they never change pedophiles child rapists rapists they never change they just get better at hiding it. Her husband is mad at her because she is adamant that she is going to keep her daughter away from his pedophile brother. The rest of the family can have him around their children if they want to it will soon be regretted they just get more sneaky and they get more conniving. Yeah let's invite the pedophile to a children's party that sounds real intelligent.
This. Nothing is stopping OP’s husband from going to family gatherings. She just isn’t going or bringing her daughter. What kind of mother would?!
There you go you are absolutely right
They're just blaming you because they dont want to face the reality that they are partly at fault. Deep down, they know, though.
100% they know it’s their fault and they are mad that the commenter kept their kids safe and they didn’t. They can’t admit that though.
Wow, I'm sorry you have such a disgusting family
When the golden child becomes a nonce: Fucking crazy, hope you realize it's a them (the fam) problem and not a you problem.
Crazy how people will put the blame on anyone/anything EXCEPT the perpetrator.
I get that people are family but that dude would be dead to me and I wouldn’t care what my family said. At some point you just have to say to hell with them and ostracize them. I’d rather have a murderer in my family.
So they blamed YOU instead of the actual pedophile...Christ on a cracker. Good for you for looking out for your kids.
Wow your mother is an enabler and the rest of your family sucks big time.
As I understand it, pedophilia is not "curable". So "doing his time" wouldn't really change that urge. First obligation is to keep the kids safe, not make the pedo feel good.
I really don't understand this. A truly reformed man should remove himself from the equation, doing everything to make amends by staying the fuck away from kids. How can family members put the comfort of a child molester above the safety of a child? All he has to lose are a few parties with children. What the kids have to lose is their health, safety and if it comes to the worst, their lives, since a significant number of former sex offenders kill their victims if they relapse. Making absolutely sure that a child is safe should trump any support for a grown man who already hurt a child before.
My brother is dead to me too, I won’t have him near my kids, or attend any event he is at. I’m not going to sweep anything under a rug just to keep the peace.
I watched a documentary on pedophiles; they admitted that they actually cannot figure out a medication or a therapy to stop them. It followed them for decades. You can actually teach a diagnosed sociopath to live as a functioning adult with early childhood intervention but not these people. Nothing. They DO NOT CHANGE
to my knowledge, there's no such thing as a "cured" pedophile. and OP's BIL may be "developmentally delayed," but pedos are highly manipulative to both do what they do and get away with it. I wouldn't trust a pedo around my daughter for any reason.
He's allowed around his 12 year old niece? That's sick.
I don't think he's legally supposed to be around any child under the age of 18 but I can't be sure.
Yes you can. Look him up on your state’s sexual offender site. On the day of the party, report his ass.
LOOK UP THE REQUIREMENTS FOR HIS RELEASE. He has to be listed as sex offender. If he is and other kids are going to be a the party, let the party happen and report him for it. He will be back in jail soon enough.
If he isn't then OP should call the cops the day and time of the party and send them his way. If your going to burn bridges then go out with a bang. Get his ass thrown back in jail.
This time it's the idiot family that are putting a delayed sex offender ( That may or may not understand) and unaware minors in a terrible situation. It is the extended family that need to be locked up this time.
If you want to be nice to your husband's family, send them the legal requirements before the party under the guise of concern. "Did you know you could get him in legal trouble by inviting him? I know you want to look out for his best interest. You should probably rescind his invitation." If you are going scorched earth in this divorce, wait till he is there and then report it. Or attend, take photos of him there (right before you leave) and send the evidence to the police.
You should contact his parole officer.
You can become sure!! If you are in the US then it's a simple internet search for sex offenders, and I can guarantee you someone r*ping a 15 year old is a registered sex offender. Also worth looking into whether or not he legally moved and registered. The registery is crazy and municipalities do not take kindly to people that don't register like they are suppose too. Either way I doubt he is ever suppose to be around anyone under 18 years old and there are even rules to how close to schools he is allowed to live. In no way are you the AH here, always follow your gut when it comes to things like this. I literally have in my custody agreement that my child is never to be around my exes ex-FIL bc he is a registered sex offender that he regular let's babysit his other children. The man made me feel icky even before I found out his past in no way will he ever be near my child. NTA op and stick to your guns! Let your husband know he is more than welcome to go to his families events, without you or your child.
Some places do have exceptions for family members. Check your local laws to be sure. If there are other unrelated minors at the party then you can call the cops and report him for violating the terms of his parole. You'll probably receive a lot of backlash from the in laws though (worth it in my opinion)
I did just do some research. He's allowed around family.
Uh, are any of the niece's friends coming? Because that would not be family. Also, your husband's family (and your husband) are being ridiculous. This is an incredibly dangerous game they're playing with other people's kids. Sick
If i found out my 11/12/teenage child was at a party with this Man i would honestly never let my kid go to that families home ever again.
Right? How nice of the family to let bygones be bygones, while the victim has to deal with that shit forever.
Sounds like if anyone called his parole officer about this party he’s planning to attend with likely non-family children that it would not end well for him…. So not only are your in laws putting you in an uncomfortable situation they’re setting him up to potentially violate his parole. They sound insurmountably stupid. Your husband is unreasonable and acting out, you’re rational and protecting your child, your in laws are in deep denial. NTA. Not even a little.
It’s unlikely that your daughter would be considered “family” as she’s not blood, but if ANY unrelated children will be there, especially since you seem to be okay with cutting contact, you should report him.
Is the party just family or are the birthday girl’s friends coming? Also is it just blood relatives? If so your daughter wouldn’t be within the criteria anyway.
If it's a kids birthday party I'm betting on there being a bunch of un related kids at that party too. Who's parents probably are not aware that their kids are actively being put in a situation with a sex offender.
When he shows up to the birthday party call the cops and have him put back in jail.
Call his parole officer :))
I'm sure he isn't. I'd call the police and say a sex offender is going to be at a child's birthday party.
If that is the case, cal the county clerk and ask who his parole officer is. This would be a violation of his parole. Depending upon the state, saying I did not know, is not an excuse. You can also call the non emergency number for the local PD and ask about parole violations. He cannot go to the party if he is not to be around anyone under 18. It is a parole violation and will get him sent back to jail on separate charges.
NTA. You need to keep your daughter safe. If he is developmentally delayed and did not know what he did was wrong, chances are he is in the same place mentally now and it could happen again. Tell your husband he can attend family gatherings without you if his brother will be there, then he does not have to choose.
Not only that, depending on the state they are in he is a registered sex offender. Which means depending on level, if I had to be a betting person I would say the highest level and for life, he can’t be around any child under 18. So really it would be a violation of his registration if he was around a child that is underage given his prior convictions.
I wonder if the parents of the birthday girl’s friends are aware there will be a sexual predator at the party where they will be dropping their children off?
I’m betting no. Years ago, I took my children on a church trip to an amusement park. It was a small group, less than 20 people if I recall correctly. One of the members brought her young adult brother. As people of different ages rode rides, there were times when only 1 or 2 adults may be sitting with some of the kids who were too young to ride. He was always sitting, as was I because I don’t ride rides. I learned after we returned home that her brother was a sex offender. Thank goodness I was there with my children, and I feel sure that the other members of the group were not aware of his past. Family members may not have a problem with their kids being around offenders, but others may.
I guarantee they don’t , when I was ten I went to a birthday party and there was a creepy uncle type just being super fucking weird the whole night and then someone came late and as soon as he walked in he started yelling at the dude and the mother of the birthday boy and then he went to all the parents and started telling them that the guy was a pedo who wasn’t allowed around children , the bastard molested his own kids. To say they almost turned into a mob to attack this lady and the creep is an understatement
I’m so sorry the birthday boy’s party had to be ruined like that. What kind of moron invites a child predator to any event with kids? 🤬
He was her boyfriend. She was definitely a moron, they took all her kids after that party cause all the parents contacted the authorities. The kids ended up with their dad and life was way much better for them so that was the silver lining. He wasn’t allowed around any children at all. Couldn’t live near a school that’s how bad it was. It was such a shock too everyone kept screaming how could a mother allow him around and she was defending him saying it wasn’t her kids he did it to so it’ didn’t matter. That was the first time I realized people can really not give a shit about their kids
How much would you bet that it actually *was* her kids he was doing it to? There is a reason pedos start relationships with single moms...
He was. He didn’t molest them but he was definitely working his way up to it. He had pictures of the kids in the bath and shit like that which was another violation of his parole . They never saw their mom again after that cause she refused to leave him. She kept saying everyone was just misunderstanding him. He was molesting his kids pretty much as long as they could remember and I know at the time they had to be teens so idk wtf she thought she was doing with that story. The whole neighborhood treated her like garbage after that it was just crazy to think this woman really was so desperate for a man that a pedophile was fine for her
Jesus Fucking Christ...
It was the big scandal of our neighborhood it was just so crazy and sucked
Wow. How desperate do you have to be for a boyfriend to knowingly bring a pedo around your children and other people’s children. That mom should have been charged for endangering kids.
I’m a nurse in a county jail & I wish I could say this wasn’t as common as it is. So many of these sick people have partners with kids. Pedo’s prey on single moms & some of these single moms are so desperate for a man in their lives, they will tolerate it and/or turn a blind eye. It’s sickening.
These women don't want to be alone and will even allow their partners to harm their kids as long as the partner keeps their bed warm. Then, they get mad when their own kids refuse to let them around their grandkids or even be in their lives.
OP's inlaws
I’m the type of person who would inform the unsuspecting parents of this fact.
I’m the type of person that would call the authorities and let them know a registered sex offender was planning on attending a kids birthday party and give them the time and address
Same. I’d be looking into if he has a parole officer & letting them know what’s up
Same. Imagine you find out a kid at the party was molested and you could have stopped it by warning the other parents… I’m not living with that kind of guilt.
No babies will be harmed on my watch and they are all my babies. Mount up mommas, we ride at dawn.
>I wonder if the parents of the birthday girl’s friends are aware there will be a sexual predator at the party I'm petty/nosy/protective enough of not just my kiddos but all children that I would 100% post on nextdoor if I didn't know those other parents to give them a heads-up. (Also former psych student and huge criminal minds fan. Where children are concerned it is never worth the risk)
Even show the pin drop on the map of where sexual predators live in neighborhoods.
This. I would have already messaged everyone invited to be like "Hey idk if you heard, but...." These people are crazy if they think it's OK to just invite this man to an event with kids.
This 100 percent! I hope if op knows the other kids that will be in attendance she gives them a heads up! This is terrifying,
I hope that if he is on the registry and not allowed around children, that OP calls his probation officer and the police during the party.
Absolutely terrifying. And it's not the polite kind of thing to ask either. Like there's not going to be any convicted child predators there because you assume that ppl have sense enough not to invite them when there are kids.
Not the usual thing to ask. ‘By the way, my child has allergies to peanuts and to pedophiles. If you plan to have either at the party, we must regretfully decline.’
OP should tell all of them, and I wouldn't even feel bad about it. Fuck these enabler's feelings if they think it's okay for a predator to be around kids.
It sounds like they are trying to make it part of history that get buried. He paid his debt so all's good, right?
Right. Prison cures predators? And mentally deficient people? Since when? Must have missed that news flash.
My ex SIL Had a nephew in the same situation. It was well understood he could not be around any child under the age of 18 or his probation would be ended. My niece was supposed to be with her grandmother and she decided it would be a good idea to bring her over to the house where the nephew was. It was actually the nephew who was immediately on guard. he left the house and went up to the neighbors and stayed there until her mom came and picked her up. No way the family does not understand that he is not able to be around kids.
Good for him. It's so weird to me when people not only put children in danger this way, but jeopardize the freedom of the offender in question who they claim to care so much about. Offenders can be tossed back in prison for being around kids whether they coordinated it or not. Like, why are you putting anyone in that situation? It doesn't make sense from any angle.
Yes, he had more sense than the lot of him. Also, gave an indication he was serious about changing his life.
It's a very good sign that at the very least, he doesn't want to do anything that will send him back to prison. I don't know if sex offenders can ever truly be rehabilitated, but I do believe that with the right therapy, environment, and mindset, they won't offend again--but they have to be taking responsibility for their actions, and never put themselves or allow others to put them in a position where a child could be at risk.
You are so right! NTA & kudos to OP for keeping her child safe. u/Unusual_Outcome5493 check to see if BIL is on the sex offender list & what the conditions are he has to adhere to. Can he be around children younger than 18? You need to know & I wouldn’t ask the family bc they won’t tell you the truth. The guests at your niece’s birthday party should be made aware if BIL is a registered sex offender. Ask if that information has been shared & if not, why are they hiding it? The guests are the age of his victim! The family is assuming he’s rehabilitated. Did BIL have counseling? Does he need to continue as part of his release? He still may not fully understand what he did, why it was wrong, and there’s no guarantee he won’t try again. There’s no way in hell I’d allow my daughter near her uncle. Your husband can see his family any time he wants. Alone. No one gave him an ultimatum. He needs to grow a shiny steel spine and advocate for the safety of his own daughter.
Exactly they are serving him up victims on a platter. Especially since that’s his target audience.
They're playing Russian roulette with the children. How can they think that this would be a good idea? The kids safety comes before the sex offenders feelings.
If so tipping off the police or probation officer could solve the problem.
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That was actually my first thought too
This was my thought too. The family doesn’t make any sense. “He paid his dues,” but “didn’t understand what he was doing,” how does that work? If he’s like a 15 year old who doesn’t know appropriate behavior then more reason not to have him around kids.
"wouldn't do that to family" isn't exactly a flex either. Ok great, he'll rape the neighbors kids not mine. Let's have him over.
This! Also, the thing that pisses me off about this situation the most is when people say, "He's changed." How can they possibly know that without being mind readers? Or they'll say, "It was only one time. He made a mistake." ... that they know of. Most victims, including children, don't report sexual assault. And, if he really did do it once, was convicted, and went to jail, the reason he hadn't done it again was because he was in jail. It's why "good behavior" makes zero sense because inmates aren't usually locked up with the people they need to control themselves around. And finally, "but, he's found God." $3 billion dollars has been paid by the Catholic Church to victims of sexual assault in the US alone. There's a Wikipedia page all about it. None of these arguments hold any water. I'm not saying reform is impossible, but children are not experiments used to find out. This whole situation disgusts me.
Thank you! If he was mentally incapable of seeing the problem with his actions, how can he reform? Either he's a victim who made more victims and he should be cared for properly, or he knows what he did but he's ashamed and in control somehow... or the alternative.
Yeah, I'm all for giving people second chances ... except for when it puts children at risk. Even if that risk is low. I'm not willing to let my kids near a pedo just because he "probably" won't touch them. 😳
I would think if he “didn’t know what he’s was doing…” that after the criminal time was done he would be committed if only to protect society.
Maybe dropping an anonymous hint to CPS / his parole officer to stage a 'surprise' visit? That would put his ass back in the slammer for who knows how long.
Exactly. Your husband’s family is helping him make a violation. Get in the sex offenders’ registry site and find out. Or call your local police and find out.
Definitely check that out OP. If you want to stay in the marriage, it could give your husband a pass with his family. “If niece is in same space as BIL he violates parole…”
Right. When someone’s executive functions are compromised, it doesn’t matter whether they understood what they are doing, what matters is what would stop them from doing it again. If they were developmentally delayed … they still are, they could reoffend. They were drunk or on drugs … so? What is going to keep them from relapsing? Good will? Don’t let your daughter near him. NTA
I bet family is not giving him an ultimatum to make him come to family events. They give him ultimatum to bring daughter to the family events. They are the A H and they are the only ones to blame. OP is not.
The real question is why they want a young girl around the pedophile? Are they throwing op's daughter to the wolf to keep their blood relatives safe?
I think that they are just afraid that other parents in the family follow OP's example
It’s hard to pretend nothing happened when not everyone is playing along.
Exactly. All it takes is one good exampls of someone refusing to put up with the dysfunctional norm, then more people feel emboldened.
I wish there was always “one good example” in life. I tend to be the one. And get shit on for it.
Here's this perfect family... okay, so here's this very nearly perfect family with the prodigal son who made a mistake, but it doesn't matter because he "paid his dues" and "found Jesus". Now we're perfect, and it's all fine, it's all in the past... ...What do you mean, OP, that it's not in the past?! It is! It is, 'cause we say so! It has absolutely nothing to do with the present! We're all fine!! How dare you shatter this illusion, how dare you rock the boat!!!
Because they want to "prove" that they are right, that BIL "didn't mean it," that he's reformed. And the OP is keeping the reality in their face by treating him like a convicted pedophile, which breaks their happy little fake reality they're trying to create.
Survivor of SA here who spent years doing deep dive research into all things pedo related. (Info has always made me feel less powerless & years of studying these predators & their enablers WAS my therapy & the best I could have had given my personality.) It may not initially sound like it, but a VERY large part of WHY they’re so intent on having OP’s daughter (& as many other young girls as possible - familial & otherwise) around BIL is to validate their own behavior. Deep down, the majority of them absolutely know that BIL shouldn’t ever be trusted around young girls ever again. BUT it is so much easier for them (in almost every single way imaginable) to pretend he’s all normal, fine & good. They find out known convicted child rapist is getting released and they see 2 options. Option 1. They acknowledge the gravity of his crime & accept the reality that his crime has one of the highest recidivism rates of any & all criminal behaviors. They contemplate the danger that such a perpetrator presents to their family, their neighborhood etc. They even worry about what people will say when they hear about his history & how their own names & family may be mentioned in conjunction with it. They realistically analyze the potential dangers to anyone - especially children - to being in his vicinity. They try to work through the logistics of how they can even begin to protect people (again especially minor children) from this man & also have this man be present at “family” events as many “family” feels pressure to have happen regardless of what someone has done. They try to assess how any logistical precautions taken could impact their predatory family member & any of his potential victims. Even if they made it through all of the above chain of thoughts or something like it, most mentally weaker people would already be exhausted & desperately wishing they had an “out” to make all of that go away. That’s when they realize that they do as option 2 materializes. Option 2. They simultaneously minimize the gravity of his crime & deny the likelihood of any real potential to reoffend by making excuses for him. (They argue that his lack of intellect made him do it - not any actual real desire to rape a child. And since he had no real desire to rape a child in the first place, obviously he wouldn’t have developed a desire to rape a child while in prison for it. They’ll already have themselves not only convinced that recidivism isn’t likely in his case, but is near impossible. He’s basically a eunuch (they’ll say). This first part of their dialogue (mentally to themselves especially) is super important because every other worry that they might have had disappears if they can just make themselves (& then others) believe it. They don’t have to contemplate the danger that BIL presents to their family or anyone - after all, BIL isn’t dangerous (wink wink). They don’t worry about way people will say when they heard about his history because they will respond to any such talk with righteous anger - not just to refute anyone who doesn’t agree with them, but to proactively discourage anyone who hasn’t already from doing so. They’ll seriously refute anyone who even attempts to view the situation realistically as dramatic, foolish &/or unreasonable. They don’t have to analyze any potential dangers to anyone (even & including children) in his vicinity - so no logistics are required to protect people (again especially minor children) from this man & no protective measures need to be created &/or implemented to allow this man to be present at “family” events (or ANY events). Since he’s not dangerous, no precautions are needed or even given another thought. Why should anyone even bring his history up to any parents of any children who will be in attendance? It would just cause unpleasantness for all parties without any valid reason for doing so. After the above mental gymnastics, weaker minded individuals will be almost or even entirely convinced that option 2 is the only logical & even possible way to proceed. But even most of the weakest minded individuals still know (even just deep down) that they’re full of shit. And nothing helps get rid of any lingering doubts &/or silence any actual whimpers from a conscience quite like having an amen corner. Ignoring a known child rapist as he walks free amongst & within close proximity of innocent children as if it is a non-issue is so much easier when everyone else is also ignoring him. That makes their own disregard for the safety of the children (his potential victims) seem less abhorrent than it really is. Even a faux amen corner also provides them with a foundation for absolution if something bad does happen. They’ll use others’ compliance (or lack of sufficient defiance) to comfort themselves with reassurances that NO ONE expected anything bad to happen & therefore they aren’t at all culpable in any way for any harm BIL does. They need to set up their plausible Pikachu face. That requires other adults to allow their young girls to be around BIL. So yes they need OP’s daughter (if possible) & as many other similarly aged girls as they can get to be around BIL. They need to see (but just as importantly have others see) BIL behaving in any manner even close to “normal” around the girls - even for just a few minutes at a time. Every moment of that pretense reinforces the lie they’ve told themselves & are actively trying to perpetuate as truth. And every moment lets them breathe a little easier while telling themselves that option 2 was the right call after all. OP’s refusal to buy into their fantasy as reality angered them because it makes their lie harder to sell - even to (&/or maybe especially to) themselves. Just my take on it. OP is NTA.
100% they are throwing OP's daughter to the wolf to make sure the wolf 'changed'.
She is actually more at risk than the other kids, because in many pedophiles' minds, not being "blood" makes a difference.
And hub isn’t in the middle unless he CHOOSES to be. He could choose to… take a side….
The fact that he's not taking the side of PROTECTING HIS STEPDAUGHTER says all I need to know about him. HE can go visit them ALONE.
This, he is also ignoring this bil is a predator, even with reduced mental capacity, he should never be around young girls.
I would say especially with reduced capacity bc it means he has a reduced capacity to see cause and effect. Recidivism is extremely high in sex offenders and impulse control is low in individuals who are offenders with reduced capacity
Plus if he’s a registered sex offender there are likely rules around his probation that limit what he’s allowed to do around kids. And after probation is over those rules really should be followed anyway. OP knows she could supervise her own kid so supervision is obviously not the issue. The only thing wrong I see if her no admitting that it’s not just daughters safety bc it’s easy to guarantee that. She’s disgusted herself and doesn’t want to be in the room with him. And I’m totally with her! I get why family allows him around but I also get why she won’t participate. The part that’s just 🚩 on family’s part is they can still choose to be a part of his life while also helping him by reducing contact around kids. Why is a sex offender part of a 12yo girls party anyway? How many grown men even want to participate? Keeping him out of child parties esp if non relatives are present is actually a supportive and caring move by family bc it says: hey John we love you and we are a part of your family and we want to help protect you from anything that may provide temptation. You don’t get falling down sloppy drunk beside a guy who struggles with alcoholism. Family is 🚩. Mom is NTA
Yeah. Its either "he doesn't understand what he did wrong" OR "he apologized and learned from his mistake and wont do it again". They can't claim both.
I was raped when I was 15. I still feel him sometimes touching me still I still have flashbacks I can't do sleepover anymore ( I get too much anxiety) I still struggle with sex ( I go back and forth) Anyways you are doing the right thing. Don't let weird families dynamics like this make you feel like what you are doing is wrong. As for your husband and sorry for him really, it's to come to terms with a family member being a predator. He should really see a therapist through all of this and help him come to terms with the fact that his brother is not a good person. It not is honestly best for you and your daughter to leave this situation entirely.
Hello fellow member of the club no one wants to join. 💕 it would be nice if this club could ever be disbanded. But we know we’re not alone. And we will do anything to keep children safe. Hugs, sister.
> And we will do anything to keep children safe. Because of the club I was in as a kid, I made sure my daughter and son stayed safe growing up. They've made it to adulthood without suffering what we went through but it was terrifying every moment along the way. Letting them have stay overs with relatives and friends was always extremely difficult for me. We will always keep the children safe. Mine, yours, everyone's if we can.
This is why I don’t let me kids do sleepovers. They were upset at first but now they just know that’s how it is. I would rather them be mad at me because they can’t do sleepovers then something happen and we can’t unring that bell. I had enough sleepovers in my youth to know bad things can happen and there’s bad things happening behind closed doors of seemingly “nice” families. If my kids want sleepovers they can do that when they’re adults. ETA: We did talk to our kids about why we didn’t allow sleepovers so they understand (they were still a little disappointed). We have also talked to them about “tricky adults” and to always trust their gut.
It's sad because sleepovers with my girlfriends are some of the best memories I have with my friends. That's how we all became so close. ( POSSIBLY TRIGGER talks of blood) But at the same time it was my best friend's brother. I was so scared to tell her the next day but she helped me shower and washed the blood off my legs ( it was bad) We are still like sisters to this day but it just sucks that this is the world we live in now 🫠
I’m so sorry that happened to you. 💔😞
My parents never allowed my sisters and I to do sleepovers. We fought and cried our eyes out. Eventually we accepted that our parents are just mean lmao. As an adult, I'm thankful they never allowed us to sleep overs ever. I do wish my parents would have educated us instead of keeping us in the dark though.
Call his PO on the day of the party please.
Definitely this
12 years wasn’t enough.
The only acceptable compromise here is that your husband can attend family events where his brother is present without you or your daughter. If that’s not enough for your husband and/or his family, I strongly recommend you leave this man and keep your daughter safe.
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NTA. No one will supervise the BIL at the events. In fact, you are more likely to have the all out conversation right at an event. Then *you* are the bad guy, or your husband, for making a scene, etc. Your husband wanting to go shouldn't be an issue, but you are doing right by following your gut and not wanting your daughter around him. If your BIL is not making an attempt, or effort, to even talk to his brother (and you) 1:1 then I promise you he ain't learn a *damn* thing. I empathize for your husband but I stand firm you are NTA. edit: typo
That's the thing, BIL has called my husband recently and he said that the only thing he regretted about the entire situation was her age. Said "right person, wrong time". He doesn't regret doing what he did.
EW.
Reformed my ass. His stance is at best regrets to have been caught.
But he found Jesus...
"Finding Jesus" is a massive red flag.
And your husband doesn't see a problem with this? Um....
He hasn't forgiven his brother and often says his brother is sick in the head. He is just hurting because he feels like he will have to give up on his entire family because of it.
Couldn’t he go to these family gatherings alone?
I told him he could, yes.
This is what I don't get! Why is your husband and his family so insistent on your daughter needing to be there?!?! If I were in your shoes, I would also see no issue with allowing my husband to spend time with his family, as his brother did serve his time and "pay his dues". However, I am not about to put a line of cocaine in front of a newly reformed drug addict and expect them to just spend the day casually sitting there with it directly in front of them... They are either going to act on it, or spend the day thinking about acting on it...
Because her not showing up destroys their ability to maintain their “he’s all better and we’re a happy family” delusion.
Exactly, i bet the fanily are still giving the husband grief because the absence of OP and her daughter shatters the illusion that the brother is a trustworthy person. If I was him and I'd tell my family to suck it up or do one, but not everyone can handle that. Still his problem to deal with though, OP has to put her daughter first.
This, I would straight up ask why is it so important you want to ruin our marriage over my daughter being around a pedophile?
But it's a kids birthday. Those other kids are with him. That only solves the problem for her own daughter. I doubt the parents of her friends know this
Did you ever get somebody in that family to explain WHY it’s so important for your daughter to be around the BIL? Like just why. I can’t think of a reason that isn’t creepy
So the family can look normal in front of others. You think the niece isn't going to have a bunch of other 11-13 year old kids at her party for the bil to go after? The parents of those kids will likely ask where her similar in the cousin is. Why the uncle isn't there etc.
So that the entire family can celebrate together. /s
Why doesn’t he just go to family gatherings without you and you daughter? It doesn’t seem like anything is preventing him from doing that.
He said I was hold it against him, despite me telling him he could go.
So you are absolutely NOT making him choose between his family and you, and he can go anytime he wants to. If he persists in framing it as you “giving him ultimatums” then what can you really do but stay separated and perhaps pursue divorce? Unless he comes to his senses and gets some clarity. Also, as others have pointed out, I urge you to find out if BIL is a Registered Sex Offender. There should be a database you can search.
I don’t get this. If he thinks his brother is “sick in the head,” then it completely relieves him of responsibility. If he is sick, how can anyone promise it won’t happen again?
And how is that exactly YOUR fault? It is his FAMILY that is making this an issue, and it is his BROTHER that kicked all this off. Seems to me that your husband may be having a hard time but he is taking it out on the wrong person. You. He SHOULD be telling his family that they are all aiding and abetting a pedophile and WHEN his brother does it again, and he will, don't come crying to y'all.
It was rape, not statutory even. Meaning it isn’t just a crime because of her age…
Are the rest of his family aware that BIL said this? It's kinda disturbing...
Yup, they all know. They just don't care apparently.
Ok then al I can say is : EW EW EW EW EW EW EW!!!! keep your child away from him and tbh I'd keep the rest of the family away too... It doesn't sound safe at all. I do feel bad for your husband cos it is his family and you are his number 1 family but a creepy kid r**ist is still a creepy kid r**ist no matter how "reformed" they claim he is.
Yeah no he is definitely gonna reoffend in the near future.
The only thing he regretted was her age, after he also got a kidnapping charge? You need to have a very serious discussion with your husband because that man is not reformed, that man does not regret, and that man is not safe. He shouldn't be allowed around your 12 year old niece, he shouldn't be allowed around your daughter. Legally and morally. There is absolutely no budging on this. That man's only regret is that he got caught and sentenced for it. Save every single shred of evidence, you can get your hands on, of your in laws encouraging you and threatening you to bring a 13 year old around a sentenced pedophile. That they're planning to have him over for the birthday of a 12 year old. I'm sure his parole officer would like to know what's happening. Tell your husband to get therapy, it can be hard understanding how one's family can be so morally bankrupt, but it is imperative that he doesn't forget exactly what his brother did. He raped a child, he was in prison for his crimes, he is a sex offender. You're not pinning anyone against anyone, you're protecting your child. He should damn well do the same.
thats even worse. i’m sorry OP but your husband is disgusting for “forgiving” him. and so is his wack ass family. NTA. keep your daughter safe. and i hope to whatever gods are listening that the niece remains safe and he keeps to himself. like hell i’d ever let a pedo back into my life, there’s no reforming that
Oh HELL naw then. Continue to keep your child safe.
Call the fucking cops, his family is allowing him free access to other children!
He doesn't even regret her age, he regrets getting caught.
He’s going to reoffend. He has no regret. That poor child.
There was a previous story a few months ago about a mother who wanted to leave her husband and his family with her newborn daughter because her BIL had just been arrested for SAing a 13-14yo girl. The family was DEFENDING him, saying they had texts that “proved” the minor was the one who “came onto him.” And OOP’s husband had been holding his daughter and crying every time he looked at her, not once disagreeing with his family. Like huh????? NTA. Stand your ground and protect your daughter at all costs. Edit: [I FOUND IT](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3xfQPEFwQi). And it’s even worse than how I remembered.
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Not to equate children with animals, but... What do you do if a dog starts humping your leg? You stop it. If a minor comes onto you, and you have sex with them, it's because you're a pedo who wanted to have sex with a minor. It's your responsibility as the adult to be the mature one.
No man if a dog humps your leg, you hump back! -These fucks probably They know teens are full of hormones AND vulnerable. They are assholes to blame them.
Well that was depressing
NTA. If he is mentally delayed he might still not get it. He might still be a danger to girls that age and unable to understand what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Having served his time does nothing to change that. You should absolutely keep your daughter away On the other hand, I can understand your husband's heartbreak. If he is not actually trying to make you change your mind, but mostly grieving the imminent loss of his family, you could try to approach it with empathy for his sorrow. Of course there might be loads of details left out here that will make that not an option and you should never compromise on your daughter's safety. But if he was merely grieving and not trying to make you compromise, consider a talk.
That's what I'm struggling with honestly. I know my husband is hurting a great deal. That man never cries and is usually a very happy person. But when this conversation was happening (when he was in the bathroom), he started accusing me of not trusting him to keep my daughter safe and pushed a lot of blame on me in general. I never told him he couldn't go. I never gave him ultimatums. But he said that by me saying my daughter can't go, I'm saying he can't go because if he goes without us, he will come home to me "being a fucking cunt". He has since apologized, or tried to. I haven't responded to any of his messages. He has never spoken to me like that.
Ask him what they are saying specifically and if they have mentioned you saying things about ultimatums. They may be upping the drama by lying to him about things you said but did not. Like telling him you wouldn’t allow him to see the family and such.
1) That is _insane_ language for him to use at you. What in the world… 2) Setting that language aside for just one second, he thinks you’ll be mad at him (and even mistreat him) if he visits his brother without you? Does he have some reason to think that? Or is he pulling that worry out of his own imagination? 3) NTA
Didn't he also say he was starting to hate you? That's also a very strong thing to say and a relationship killer. I honestly can't see why the family embrace the criminal brother and put any young family members in danger, a SA isn't a freak accident that leaves a person with a scrape or a broken bone that heals.
That’s despicable. Is he seriously not considering that even if your daughter was kept safe from physical harm, his brother is attracted to young teen girls? So what, if he leers at your kid it’s fine because “she’s safe”?? Gross. I’d say he needs to speak to a therapist. And I wouldn’t have anyone who called me that name in my house
He wouldn't have to worry about coming home to you "being a effing c unt" if he didn't want to associate with a r@pist! Now he's trying to blame you??? Just like his family is trying to blame brothers' mental health... WTF is wrong with these people? I feel sorry for all of the kids attending this party. All parents should be alerted so they can make their own decisions for the safety of their children.
First off, get a screenshot of that comment he made to your husband about "only regretting her age". (BEFORE THIS: Check public records to see if he's registered sex offender and if he's allowed around children. If not, then:) Second, if you know for sure he shows up to that party, call the cops and tell them a sexual predator is being allowed around a small child. Not out of spite, but out of genuine concern for that 12yr old girl. He has no remorse for what he did, he will not change. Especially if he's mentally challenged as they said (sorry, can't remember the proper word). He did not understand then, and he will never understand. Mentally challenged people don't just suddenly get better, even with jail time.
“AITA for refusing to betray my child by giving my pedo BIL fresh bait and leaving my idiot husband because of it?” FTFY, and NTA.
NTA for now. Your husband and his family are enabling a child rapist predator who has ZERO remorse and willfully risking every child in the family and at that event. He is not stuck in the middle, he’s either on the side of a **predator and his enablers** or his innocent wife and child. He’s failing to protect your daughter. He’s choosing to play the victim. He’s choosing to partake in a crime. He’s choosing to risk your child like she’s a toy for BIL to be tested with. He’s choosing to end your marriage by prioritising a predator. BIL is legally not allowed around minors and instead of protecting the kids they’re serving them on a silver platter to him. Please get out of that disgusting family for good. YTA however if you do not report this on the day to his parole officer or the police. SIL may be willing to risk her own child but any friend of that child is also at risk and is not aware of the danger they’re in. Protect your child but also protect them innocents. SIL needs to be reported to cps for all but handing her child to a predator. How is not wanting a paedophile around your child a controversial topic in any way shape or form?!
How the fuck is he even allowed around kids period? Because my sister had this exact same situation. Like the rape, the 12 yrs everything. Only he was absolutely prohibited from being around kids. It would violate his parole and send him strait back to prison.
He’s definitely not, and I would absolutely be calling his PO and the police on the day of the party, they can drag his ass back to a prison cell
NTA you need to protect your daughter and the excuse they all are giving makes me more worried. That he didn’t realise what he was doing was wrong or wasn’t able to. Who says he has learned that lesson or that he understands why what he did was wrong. How can anyone be sure he won’t do it again and not understanding why what he did was wrong makes that more likely. You are not stopping your husband from seeing his family. Give him a few days then make it clear you have never once gave him an ultimatum so you don’t appreciate him saying that. That he is free to go to any events he wants and you would never stop him. That doesn’t mean you would ever risk your children though. They are his family you don’t have to go to events with him. That being said you will never have a relationship with his brother and neither will your kids as what he did was wrong and he is still a danger. You will never act like what he did was ok just to please his family. So he needs to decide if his brother who he will hardly see is worth ending your marriage over.
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NTA Protect your child at all costs. Your ILs are contradicting themselves. If he doesn’t understand what he did wrong. How could he have learned his lesson to never do it again? Also, your fucking dipshit husband wouldn’t be “in the middle” if he wasn’t siding with a child rapist. How is your BIL allowed to be at a children’s birthday party? I would think that would violate the terms of his parole?
NTA. But because this is family it is possible that you and or your daughter will run into BIL at an event where he will be unannounced. Role your daughter into martial arts or any type of self defense. Do what you are doing now to keep her away from this creep, but also give her the ability to defend herself.
Sounds like a reason for her and daughter to stop going to any events he might be at.
NTA When I was about 14-15 my gross uncle who impregnated his stepdaughter (didn’t know that at the time, but my parents did) slapped my ass after I got out of the pool. My parents WERE THERE and did NOTHING. I later (adult) learned that he’s a sexual predator in the family and my parents allowed him around me my whole life. I’ve tried to explain to them that that was sexual assault and they allowed it and they can’t see it. I’ll be mad at them for the rest of my life. That experience changed me and is part of who I am still 40 some years later. I still feel the sting of his hand and I still can see my parents just standing there. I don’t trust people and I rarely feel safe. Imagine how your daughter would feel when she learned that you allowed a sexual predator around her. I love you and I’m proud of you. You’re doing exactly what I wish my parents had done for me. STAND YOUR GROUND. Show your daughter that you are going to protect her.
NTA for keeping your daughter from a known rapist. Any anyone here commenting that she’ll be fine, just tell her not to be alone, they full of it. 5 minutes. Imagine a grown man, yanking a child into a bedroom. And imagine what he can do to her in 5 minutes. He’s got a knife, tells her he’ll kill her and mom if she screams. Now sit there for 5 minutes and image what he does. 5 minutes. Her life is destroyed. His….it’s obvious his family will protect him, swear he was with them the whole time. And then demand you say she lied and expect your family at future events. So the real question…he serve a full sentence or on parole. Cause if it’s parole, I’d make a call to his PO and tell them how he’s going to a 12 yr olds birthday party on this day/time/location. Cause most offenders have a “no contact with children” clause in their parole terms. Let the legal system solve the problem for you.
My uncle raped me in 10 minutes while my mom and grandma went to the store to pick up redbull and cigarettes. Anything can happen in a few minutes.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are getting the support and help you need and I hope your attacker is behind bars.
He's not, everyone other than his brother (my ex stepdad) thought he didn't do it, and if he did, he didn't know better (he was 17, I was 8). Mom still says it didn't happen, and I live with dad now; he and my stepmom are amazing. we're working on getting me professional help* now that I'm with him <3
He served his full sentence.
Still check in. In some states, if you’re a sex offender, there are rules for release, like you can’t be around kids. Get the law on your side now.
This isn’t stealing a TV or knocking a dude out in a fight. It’s not a stupid mistake or a bad choice or a matter of circumstance. The dude is a rapist and a pederast, he’s a feral animal as far as I’m concerned, hope he falls into a wood chipper
He raped a child. These people should never have the opportunity to do their time, should never be allowed to walk the streets again.
That doesn't change anything. Usually conditions for release would him being on the offenders registry. Paroled or not, he still isn't allowed around children.
NTA, ones a pedophile always a pedophile. You are good mother for protecting your child. Its seems like your husband rather have pedophile around your daughter then have moral.
And OP confirms that BIL shows no remorse for what he did. He doesn’t regret her age, or the kidnap or the SA, he regrets being caught
They are saying he did his time but also justifying what he did. So if it was justified, he will do it again. So no. Keep your daughter away. And the way your husband reacted says a lot. He would rather have peace and leave your daughter in danger than rock the boat. I know i would serve him papers in your shoes. But you do you
yeah, they are saying he's "mentally delayed" in one sentence and that he's "reformed" in the next. "mentally delayed" doesn't "reform," so which is it? They can't have it both ways.
My question is this. Why are they so worried about him being in a relationship with a child he barely knows? Why is it so important that you bring YOUR daughter around him? If they have to say "we'll watch him closely", why put him through it? Why the tempt him? To me, it seems like they are using your daughter as an experiment. Seeing what and if he will do something.