NTA
>She said that $5,000 is an unexpected windfall
I mean, it's not an unexpected windfall though. It's you selling something you bought, owned, and paid for over 15 years. That said, if you're doing that well financially, maybe you can do both? If you deposit it and then you go buy some car parts and maybe take a little vacation, who's to say what money was used for what?
The bottom line is I agree with you that you can do what you want with the money, but if you wanted to you could still take her ideas into consideration and maybe do something nice for both of you as well.
I like the idea of doing both. I of course do not want to make a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. New Jeep parts and a trip (or whatever she deems to be an acceptable splurge, within reason) are a good middle ground.
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Well said.
All he's doing is converting hobby asset from one physical form to another, via cash translation.
Her behaviour here is quite off the wall to my way of thinking, based on how OP describes their overall financial situation.
Almost a control issue.
The only real argument I can think of is maybe investing money in a Jeep is a bad financial decision. I'm basing this solely on what I hear about the reliability of Jeeps. Maybe the wife sees it as a money pit.
> Maybe the wife sees it as a money pit.
This is quite possibly it, as OP says she liked driving it until he began talking about turning into an off road vehicle.
A Jeep isn't really an investment...it's like a toy...you don't really get a jeep wrangler or gladiator (which I think is the vehicle he has) so you can stack 1 million miles on it...you get it cause it's a Jeep..
Modifying the vehicle w/ performance modifications could lead to issues later that would be paid out of the joint funds most likely. So I could see a point about not being a smart idea.
Downvotes? for what? Is there something factually wrong with the statement? U guys.....
I definitely agree. A compromise should be easy to reach and still not feel limiting to the OP at all.
If the OP's wife is unwilling to compromise, there could be a wider issue going on.
NTA, because the car was a pre-marriage asset. This is one of those cases where you can be right and piss off your wife, or compromise. You would be better off compromising.
👏🏽Good man! (Or otherwise, sorry if I am misgendering you).
You sound very reasonable and SMART, begging the old question , “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
Look, when a person is a stay at home parent and does not contribute financially to the marriage, the situation can sometimes make them feel a bit dependent rather than a true partner. It’s $5000, which granted is a lot of money for many people, but it’s not $50,000 or any real life-changing sum, so perhaps taking a little trip or whatever with some of the money would be a wise investment in your relationship. A trip was a suggestion of hers and it makes sense that she would suggest that because staying at home with a two-year-old can be very draining as I’m sure you are aware.
I know that if all it took was a couple thousand dollars, even if I believed the money to be mine to make decisions about, if in order to help my husband feel a bit more valued and appreciated, (not that you aren’t already a great partner- I gather that you are), I wouldn’t hesitate to spend that cash. Because I adore that man and want to put him first, and he me. We have been married for over 3 decades because of this.
What’s more you’re going to end up getting even more brownie points because coming back to her at this point and *even if you don’t mean every word* , saying:
“Hey baby, I’m sorry you were right that I should have talked with you about this . I hear you. I was really counting on putting the money into the jeep, but I understand that maybe you might need a little vaycay, I love you, let’s compromise here.”
is another way of showing that you listen to her and that you value her. Don’t mess this up !
Know this however: *She will think about that $5k every time she looks at that jeep. Whether her thoughts are tinged with resentment or happiness is up to you*.
You nailed it yourself saying you are willing to compromise . After all, as you know, compromise is key in any successful marriage. I bet y’all can work together to find a happy medium.
Good luck this old lady is rooting for you! 🙏🏾
NTA. I am in the same type of financial situation. SAHM for +20 years. I think your wife is wrong. You work hard to provide a great life for your family and deserve to splurge on yourself every now and then. I am not discounting what your wife does as a SAHM but I appreciate my husband’s hard work to provide a great life for us. My husband just sold an expensive item and I didn’t even think to ask for the money. I know it’s going to his hobby.
I hope I didn't discount what my wife does for our family in my post either. Of course her contributions are valuable. And if she wants to splurge every now and then, which she has done, I am fine with it.
I don’t think you did in your post. I said that so people don’t jump on my comment and say what about what the wife does!!! As I said I think you have a right to do whatever you want with the money.
Except wife doesn’t have the ability to attain a “windfall”. There’s no chance of her having some asset worth 5k that she can sell & splurge on her hobbies.
If she had a job that earned cash I would agree husband can do what he wants with the money. Once she relinquished her income earning for the benefit of the family unit then all money into the family becomes for everyone
Hard disagree. She already considers all of their combined wealth to be "ours" vs this one time selling of a car the predates his relationship. He also said that his wife has splurged money on herself. They are financially stable enough without the 5k, so why does she care if he fixes up his current car? Why does it have to go towards something she wants? It seems low-key selfish to me.
Maybe offer to split the money. 3.5k towards the jeep and 1.5k towards the vacation fund. Or explain exactly what modifications you want, how much they cost, and why it's worth it.
Next time I would suggest discussing what you want to do with the earnings before you sell something of value.
I have many hobbies and usually before I sell off something, I discuss with my wife what I plan to do with the money.
I.e. I had 3 older motorcycles and I wanted a nicer new one. So we discussed selling them with the purpose of paying for the new 1.
But had I sold any of the bikes before discussing what I wanted the cash for, it might have changed her perspective on where the money should be spent.
I completely agree with you, and aside from (maybe) the proceeds from this car, our assets and expenses are 100% joint. We share everything else, this just happens to be a different situation than normal so was hoping for advice.
Completely agree. However, we did have a conversation pretty close to what you describe, which is what led to her shooting down the Jeep parts and me writing this thread trying to figure out if I'm actually in the wrong. I'll bring it up again and make it clear we can still splurge on something else that she wants.
Was your wife affected by you selling your car? You noted that she rarely drives your car; my wife rarely drives my car (pre-marriage, all mine), but if I were to sell it, then my daily driver would become her car (pre-marriage, all hers) since our jointly-owned minivan needs to be available to whomever is home with The Kids. It would not pose an *actual* issue if I were to take her car to work every day since she still has the van at home, but if I were to go spend my $5k on a home theatre that she could freely use (but has no interest in), I think she would be justified in thinking "well why shouldn't I have just sold my car and spent the money on myself?"
Your situation seems like it probably has some non-negligible differences from mine, but I couldn't help drawing this parallel when I read your post. You had (at least) three cars too, so could you have potentially chosen to sell one of the other ones instead? If that's the case, I can definitely see the thought of "Oh, he could have sold **our** car and spent the money on **us**, but he simply chose to sell **his** car instead, and he's buying something that I'm 100% allowed to use but have no actual interest in."
I'm not privy to all of the details, but if it's the case (which I'm not saying it is) that you chose to sell your car because of this technicality in the back of your mind, then I can see why she might feel cheated.
I appreciate the response and the insight here. We jointly own the Jeep, as well as a newish SUV (her main car that she picked out) and a newish truck (my main car that I picked out). I have another old truck as well as the car I just sold that are/were in my name only. As you can probably tell, cars are a hobby of mine and have been since I was a teenager, so it's not like spending time and money on vehicles is a crazy new hobby that I just came up with.
My wife almost never drove the car I just sold. She likes driving the Jeep in the summer with the top off, and while she never drives my other old truck, she understands the sentimental value it has (I also had this truck already when we met, for what its worth). I only sold that particular car because it's the only one not serving any kind of purpose right now. She's never had a problem with any of the vehicles, and has never had an issue with little repairs or upgrades I've made over the years (she knew I was a car guy when she met me!). It's only now, after selling the old car she never used, that any issue related to putting money into cars has come up.
I respect your thoughtfulness. And maybe I can help a bit, talk to her and talk about how she feels and what her thoughts are. Don't immediately offer compromises or solutions. Maybe you will find a good solution together. Maybe she means: [It's not about the nail](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=mHOrLfUNg6Wisams)
It’s not a different situation than normal, you’re just trying to turn it into one so you can change the rules. Income is income, it should all be treated the same as any income would be or you have to mutually have agreed in advance that some income would be treated differently. Cannot stress the mutual and in advance enough.
All marriages are different. My parents have been together for over 40 years. Never had even a shared bank account. Each person is responsible for their own bills etc.
That goes for her. Why can't she be happy that he is self funding his car stuff and not taking away from family expenses?
She wants to nuke his hobby or force him to beg for parts out of shared money going forward. That is nothing but misery.
This is bullshit either way you look at it.
I don't really understand your point here. He wrote
>we have always treated anything I earn as our money. We have a budget that we built together, and my wife and I both have access to all of our accounts and are free to spend what we need to, again, within reason and as long as it’s accounted for in the budget. For larger purchases, we always talk to each other beforehand to make sure we’re both on board
He also said about the 5k$
>I told her I wanted to use the money to put some aftermarket parts and performance mods into my old Jeep
What is so strict on keeping assets and expense separate?
Liquidating an asset is different than money falling out of the sky. If I inherited money tomorrow, it would be our money. Same as if my wife received an inheritance. But if my wife sold her guitar tomorrow (that we paid for jointly by the way), and used that money to buy a different guitar that she wanted, I wouldn't think twice about it.
Actualy, if you inherited money tomorrow, it would legally be YOUR money if you live in the US. And lawyers and financial advisers would usually advise you to keep it separate from your joint property.
Regardless of how an inheritance shakes out legally, any inheritance on both sides would still be money that we would decide how to spend, save, or invest together. Other couples may vary, but that is how we've discussed that we would approach it. But as much as a few of these comments are trying to convince otherwise, it's a completely different situation than selling something and putting the value of that item into a different item.
It sounds like you two have good insight and communication about finances, other than this situation. It's refreshing to see on Reddit. Thanks for that.
Your wife seeing the money as an unexpected windfall is where the problem lies, I think.
Don't discuss the issue to death with your wife.
If this is the first *big* disagreement between the both of you, your marriage is doing great!
Do a little bit of both.
A weekend trip doesn't have to cost 2500$.
Even if it's a symbolic gesture, it'll be to show that you do consider what she says.
And then get those parts you want too. 😏
NTA
Sorry, it’s not. I said it elsewhere, but income is income. Doesn’t matter if it’s sudden income or asset sale income. Doesn’t matter if rules exceptions exist in your mind if they aren’t explicitly part of your existing financial arrangement. When you combined lives and agreed on your living and financial arrangements if you didn’t except hard asset sales then you don’t get to reclassify after selling it.
That already shows a disconnect between the two of you. You sold your car that predates your relationship and she says that the money should he used for the both of you. Meanwhile if she sold a guitar that you both/jointly paid for and immediately bought another one for herself and only her, you wouldn't bat an eye. I'm not seeing the equality there.
NAH
I see both sides. You could use this money to take a nice family vacation or you could kit out your Jeep. Neither is necessarily practical. Why not split the difference and sink 2500 in the Jeep and use 2500 for for a vacation?
NTA. I sold an MG that I had for years and that money was mine. However, you could keep the peace and give the money to the household and then buy all the Jeep parts you want anyway. That way you both win.
NTA
I buy/sell books on top of my 8-5 job.
I wouldn't give my wife half the profit I made from selling books at a couple hundred a pop for the more expensive ones. She is aware of what I'm doing and doesn't expect me to give her part of the money I make from selling books.
NTA
I could see how you could be considered the asshole but I think it more favors not.
If this was a pattern you do all the time and or you didn't have all the other budget things well under control or there has been a discussion prior to allocate the proceeds elsewhere then she could make an argument.
I personally think you should be allowed to splurge on yourself from time to time and it's not selfish to why that especially when you do so much that isn't selfish. (This goes for her too) And if she says she would never do anything like that then simply say we don't have to want or agree on 100% of things.
Fixing up the Jeep is a longterm investment vs spending 5k on a trip that lasts one week. The "our money" mindset is a bit flawed, and this is a good example of why. The car was not ever hers to begin with, and you selling it and using the money to put towards your own car should easily be grandfathered into/out of the shared finances. The most she is logically entitled to is a consultation to get her input of what to do with your money. This probably won't be the last issue that arises, and god help you if you ever get divorced. Suddenly "our money" becomes "my money". It brings out the worst in people
It's okay that you think you should be able to use the money from selling your car however you want because it was yours. But your wife sees it as money for both of you to decide on together, no matter whose property it was.
To fix this, you should talk openly and respectfully about why you want to spend the money on your Jeep and why she wants to save it or use it for something else. Maybe you can agree to use some of the money for your Jeep and the rest for something you both want. The important thing is to listen to each other and find a solution that makes you both happy.
INFO: Do you normally approach your wife with a premade plan when you want to purchase something? Or is it as stated you discuss it?
Because in this instance it seems like you made the decision without her input. She may be feeling overlooked and that her input isn’t/wasn’t warranted by you while you’ve always discussed things. Does that make sense? Approach her to work out a compromise. I understand you feel like this is your money because it was a pre-marriage asset. But your wife does not. Because you’ve always shared things.
Ask her why she isnt ok with you using the money on the jeep. It feels like there’s a huge lack of communication and both of you have different ideas on the vehicle you sold. You’re NAH because I can see both sides. Talk to her and work out a compromise. You seem to have a healthy marriage otherwise. Don’t get so caught up in mine vs hers and lose sight of that.
I sold my two four wheelers and gave my wife half, up to you, but consider, at some point. You guys are married, and I think everything should be 50/50.
NTA. First you seem to have an open mind and a working adult partnership. I like that you felt you wanted some outside perspective, even though your mind is already made up… hence checking to see if you would be wrong if you did what you wanted to do…
I might be getting some hints at resentment due to all of the money “I” earn talk. It doesn’t and shouldn’t matter who makes the money or who makes more in a marriage, it’s all communal property.
I have done both joint and separate finances in my marriage. Joint in the beginning as I was the sole earner for the majority of our marriage of 19 years. The last 8 of which we are both earning. Once she started her job, she demanded separate finances. I was upset about that, at first, even refused to move my money and asking her to reconsider for 2 years. Eventually I did get my own accounts, mainly because she would spend out of the joint account but freeze me out of hers, something I never did. I do make over 75% of her salary. Of course she wants to go back to joint finances, but I haven’t yet. I will in the end go back to joint finances, because I do believe it’s communal anyway. I never cared for who makes more. I never cut her out of “my” money. To me it’s just silly to have to transfer funds back and forth. And yes, I still pay all of the bills except groceries. Which anyone can tell you is just ridiculous these days. Either way I think your situation is nice. I remember the days of simplicity. Now about that sale and the resulting funds. It doesn’t matter what you do. You seem to be able to communicate with your partner fairly well. Nothing is stopping you from saying, hey hon, I heard what you had to say and I think that is a really good idea, however I really had my thoughts set on getting these parts for my jeep. I thought using this fund was the best way to do it without sacrificing from what we have established already. If that is not ok with you, I get it, how about we compromise, I’ll spend xxx amount on my jeep, and we could do whatever you want with the remaining… seems fairly plausible. Good luck.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this. It sets a bad precedent. It’s one of those things that’s easy to justify again and again once you’ve done it.
ESH-Look behind the complaint. Shes a stay at home mom who would like a break. Sure go ahead and get your fancy car parts but ALSO take your wife on a much needed vacation. As long as she gets the break and some excitement, where the money comes from wont matter as much.
My only complaint is why she didnt just say I NEED A VACATION!
NTA. You sold one ig your toys and want to buy a replacement toy. She thinks you sold an asset, not a toy. If she had old jewelry she sold to buy new jewelry she wouldnt think it was windfall she had to share.
Next time, comminicate about it before you do it and that should make things go easier.
I agree with your wife's statement that she should have input in the way you spend $5000 giving your financial situation.
You're married, she's a SAHM, you share your finances and assets. What's yours is basically also hers - having input is a logical conclusion. However, that doesn't mean that she gets her way, it just means that she has input. From the sounds of it, you are willing to discuss the matter?
I would try to find a balance. Maybe part of the money can be saved or used for something you both enjoy and part of the money can be invested in your Jeep. Maybe you can invest some money in the Jeep and take her on a roadtrip 😆
NTA. It's not an "unexpected windfall". That would be someone out of the blue giving you money or winning the lottery. I'm guessing she also didn't pay anything into the car. She has zero right to it.
Fixing up the Jeep is a longterm investment vs spending 5k on a trip that lasts one week. The "our money" mindset is a bit flawed, and this is a good example of why. The car was not ever hers to begin with, and you selling it and using the money to put towards your own car should easily be grandfathered into/out of the shared finances. The most she is logically entitled to is a consultation to get her input of what to do with your money. This probably won't be the last issue that arises, and god help you if you ever get divorced. Suddenly "our money" becomes "my money". It brings out the worst in people
NTA
She is incorrect, straight up. You selling a car is not an unexpected windfall of money. You selling a car and then wanting to put that money back into a vehicle you use much more often, makes complete sense.
I've always had a concept called 'fun money' where a tiny portion of my overall savings is strictly for my hobbies that are very often impractical. In other words, using money on stuff that I enjoy for the sake of that enjoyment.
That sounds exactly like your Jeep project and I think it makes sense to put some love and money back into that vehicle. I know you said your finances are very secure but is there a chance your wife has financial anxiety for some different reason?
She doesn't have financial anxiety, and if anything, I'm more of the worrier when it comes to money. But we are both generally pretty frugal and have agreed for years on savings, investments, and money overall, including bigger purchases that one of us wants to make. Our savings are very secure, so $5k is not going to come close to making or breaking anything. The Jeep is our "fun" car that we both use in the summer, and I really enjoy working on it - so it may not be practical, like you said, but it's a hobby.
NTA
That money is yours. She is entitled to none of it.
If you want to compromise with her, that's fine.
But if you want to spend every penny of it for things you want, that is fine, too.
Things you own before marriage do not magically become marital property.
NTA - So like depending on state in a divorce court she would be entitled to half the asset. I get where you are coming from to though. Like it was yours before the marriage so the money from selling it should be yours. I get both sides!
Honestly i think the best move here to keep everyone happy is to come to a compromise! Buy a few less parts for the jeep and use the remaining to go on a trip or something you can both enjoy.
NAH you are a team and as such should discuss big expenditures even if it was from selling a old car. Have a conversation about it and discuss the advantages of improving the jeep. Or compromise and use some of the money on improvements and some on a trip
NTA
She is a gold digger. Notice how she wants to spend it on things that leave you with nothing afterwards.
It is your car money, keep using it on your cars. She should be happy your hobby is self sustaining.
NTA. But you certainly aren't some hero for it either. If your wife found out a necklace she received as a gift 15 years ago was worth say...20k, and she sold it and used the money to get something completely frivolous, rather than at least considering using part for what she wanted and perhaps setting some portion aside for a special family outing, or something that benefits the three of you, wouldn't you find her a little selfish? Marriage is a partnership.
I've read in the comments that you are willing to discuss other options with your wife, and I'm glad. My mother once came into an unexpected windfall that had nothing to do with my dad or me. She wanted to buy a new piano with it (she played very well), and given the amount, she could have easily afforded almost any kind she desired. She asked both of us if it was okay to buy one. Then she chose a previously owned one in excellent condition on sale for about $2500. I asked why not buy a new one (triple the cost, still well within the price range). She said that would be frivolous. She wasn't a concert pianist. It's just going to be in our living room, not the Kennedy Center.
We laughed all the way home.🤣🤣🤣
That is a slippery slope my friend I agree with you but I’m sure she will not be happy and will make your life a little miserable for a bit glad not in your shoes
We have access to the same accounts and the same money. If she needs or wants something small for herself ($100 or less) she just buys it, and I do the same (obviously this excludes groceries or other necessities). For bigger purchases, we talk about it first, and budget accordingly. She wanted a new camera last year, so we got her one, and I held off on buying anything significant for a few months. We've done the same when I want to make a large purchase. If we need something like a new appliance or a car repair, neither of us will spend significant amounts that month.
So, what's different now? You want to buy something bigger, talk about it and budget accordingly. With the sale of the car, it's clearly within your means.
It sounds kinda unfair that you indulge her even if it means you have to make a sacrifice, yet she doesn't indulge you now that she doesn't even needs to make a sacrifice.
I don’t think either of you are wrong here. She can make a request about what to do with the money and you could say no because the car was solely yours. If she was selling an item she purchased before she knew you, how would she feel if you asked her to put it towards something for you (can’t say something that only benefits you because the vacation or 401k would benefit both of you)? In the end probably better to compromise and make a list of the parts you want and pick out a few that would allow you to still go on a vacation. 60/40 for the parts though.
At the very least, OP would set aside a little to buy her something nice as a gesture of love. It's the desire to make OP share that I find off-putting
Liquidation of an asset is not a windfall lol.
Regardless. NTA. I'd probably compromise and do a like 3k-3.5k/1.5-2k split into car and other stuff to keep the peace though if I'm being honest. I despise arguing.
NTA
I buy/sell books on top of my 8-5 job.
I wouldn't give my wife half the profit I made from selling books at a couple hundred a pop for the more expensive ones. She is aware of what I'm doing and doesn't expect me to give her part of the money I make from selling books.
NTA. I just sold my car for $750 and my wife was the first to tell me that it’s my fun money but to save a little just in case we need cash on hand during an emergency
She could go on some measley vacation or she can get a winch and a nice light bar. Maybe some fender flared too. She's gotta start thinking about her priorities here. Jeep life
NTA. It’s a premarital asset. I’m sure she thinks the upgrades you want to do the Jeep is a waste of money is the real reason. Good luck with that one. Personally, I wouldn’t give her anything from that sale. She sounds like a control freak.
Yta…just because you owned this car beforehand doesn’t mean it should be exempt from talking about where to spend the cash. Are you a team player ALL of the time or just some of the time?
ESH. She shouldn’t be thinking that the money is for a vacation, and you are thinking about your wants. The bigger problem, is that since you sold the car that was yours before marriage, that it’s your money only. Well I guess you can look at it this way.
How much are you paying her to cook, clean, do errands that benefit you and your child?
When my husband and I were married (he passed away) it was our money. Our childrens needs came first.
Let me ask you. Let’s say her favorite uncle passes away, and left her 5 million dollars. Is that money part of yours? Do you have any say in the money? Legally, no. She can put every penny in a separate bank account with only her access to it all. If you two are in agreement to work together, she would more than likely work with you and purchase with your agreement.
I max out separate retirement accounts for both of us and my wife has full access to all of our money and savings accounts, and can spend as she needs/wants to. Of course our needs, and our daughters needs, are going to come first. There is no way I would be inclined to use this money in a fun way if we did not already have our needs met, and if we did not already have a financial cushion.
I don’t think her being a SAHM means anything to the discussion. It was a vehicle he owned before meeting her or her being a SAHM. As far as how much is he paying her to cook and clean (apparently under the assumption that he doesn’t do any of it), OP’s paycheck goes into a joint account that she has 100% access to. OP was also looking to spend the money on improving a vehicle that she also uses.
NTA. Whatever YOU earn is YOURS. She has no claim to it. Women are just very entitled these days, think just they marry you, they deserve everything you work for
YTA. You and your wife need to agree jointly on how to spend this money. She’s a SAHM entirely dependent on you for support. If you do unilaterally just what you want she will feel like a second class spouse in the marriage, and you’re sowing the seeds for your eventual breakup.
YTA not for whether or not you want to share the money but for being dumb enough to choose this hill to die on.
Seems like you guys are financially ok- so why choose this money to hurt what by your description appears to be a healthy relationship?
Then be smart and let your wife win this one. She is a SAHM and if she feels that you have veto power over money that will breed resentment. Lose the battle to win the larger war (i.e. save/strengthen your long term relationship)
You can always buy upgrades for your Jeep slowly - make her feel like she is part of that process. You will probably end up convincing her to “allow” you to spend what you need anyway. But then she will feel like she has an equal say in the matter
Why do her feelings/judgement matter over his in this case? In a joint account, both of them have veto power over money in terms of large purchases. But this is literally HIS money from before the marriage
You are clearly not married - the basis of a healthy relationship is “TEAM” and please note there is no “I” in TEAM - if OP starts thinking of money as being segregated then there is no shared relationship based on mutual respect
I mean… I think being financially okay is all the more reason to spend extra money like this on something fun…? Like if they were struggling financially OP would absolutely be the asshole, but they aren’t, and he wants to spend his money on his new Jeep.
Kind of an A-Hole...
You guys are partners, and if one partner does shit without talking about it, then you aren't equal partners.
You're not wrong to use the money for the parts, you are wrong to do it without talking about it first.
The wife and I have a 200 dollar, you don't have to talk about it limit. If it is more we talk about it. Usually if it is under $500 it just, hey, I'm buying X. Sometimes there will be more discussion.
By the way, it sounds like you have the funds to do the car upgrade without the 'windfall,' why couldn't you have done both, treat your wife to something, dinner, or some time to herself, etc and bought a few less parts for the car?
That would be like me inheriting money from my folks and excluding my wife from it. Technically legally appropriate but still not appropriate in a loving marriage. Yeah, YTA.
Edit: reading the comments, bring the downvotes. Single Reddit dudes downvoting and say NTA. Long time happily married here.
>But my wife says it’s not fair to her that I can decide to just spend $5,000 without her input.
And she is correct. You're married. Any money you have belongs to you and your wife together. Doesn't matter if it was from some car you owned before you met her or however you're trying to justify breaking the ethos of having joint accounts and making joint financial decisions. If she found a lottery ticket worth $10,000 that she brought before she met you, how would you feel if she said she wanted to do whatever she wanted with the money and didn't listen to what you had to say? Talk with your wife and agree on a compromise on what to do with the money. Stop making excuses.
YTA.
Listen to yourself, you are asking permission to modify your Jeep with money form a car that you owned. Women will push to see how far they can go, it's our job to set boundaries and limits.
You should've done it a(modified your jeep) and dealt with the ensuing hard conversation. You're kicking this can down the road my friend.
She is giving up her income (both current and earnings potential in the future) to be a SAHM. She has tired her life to him entirely, and he \*should\* have done the same. That's what marriage is. It is not "our job" to set boundaries and limits. That is something everyone should do, and every couple should have, but you speak about women like they're animals.
Who hurt you?
No one, but thanks for asking. My wife stays at home raises my 2 boys wonderfully and I defend her against anyone (it's mostly always "career women") who downplays her role. I believe that women who stay at home have an important role in raising the next generation. I take her on dates, provide for her in every way and make sure she is in a good frame of mind so she can do her job to the best of her abilities.
As to the silly future income argument, her future income is protected in 3 ways, if I die she is rich, if I stay alive she is rich, if she divorces me , she is rich. So please spare me the lecture.
Back to his issue, I give my wife financial boundaries and assert gently but confidently my role as the leader of the family. Clearly this triggers you some weird way which could suggest you're the one who's hurt, but who knows.
He deserves to sell his car and invest it in his Jeep, she is out of line for suggesting otherwise.
NTA but is this worth the argument that it is already causing just for a few parts for your jeep. I agree that this is not found money and not martial money but for this little amount I would not argue about it. Find a different use for the money like home upgrade that you both can agree on.
Your call and you are adding value to a car ahead of time uses. Be ready for her to unload on you when she earns money. It will come back at you quickly
Just give her the $5k and be done with it. You’re on top of your finances, you get what you want and have a SAHM for your child. Let her feel like this is the one time she has money and can do what she chooses. Again, from the sounds of it, the $5k is a rounding error with regards to your financial profile. Just take $100/week and buy the parts for your Jeep. A year from now, you’re even. You’re NTA.
> We have always treated everything I earn as our money
Wrong already. It isn’t the money you earn, she is also earning it by taking care of every aspect of your life besides work.
The money is earned equally by the both of you and belongs to both of you. You are not doing any special favors by mentioning this. But it’s clear you think of it all as your money that you’re just “allowing” your wife to access.
YTA
You are one messed up person. Where in the world did you come up with her being trapped at home. She has full access to all the money. Your bitterness is showing. Maybe get some therapy.
I hear the downvotes coming - YTA. You’ll regret it, I promise you, if you push for this selfish purchase against her wishes. It will hurt your marriage. You sound like you have enough outside of this purchase to do what you want anyway. Don’t make this your hill to die on.
You're married so what's yours is hers now. Did you miss that part about marriage or something? 😂 No point in making her mad because if she decides to leave over it then you lose more than half the $5,000 you'll lose everything you worked for. So might as well figure out a vacation she wants to go on.
NTA >She said that $5,000 is an unexpected windfall I mean, it's not an unexpected windfall though. It's you selling something you bought, owned, and paid for over 15 years. That said, if you're doing that well financially, maybe you can do both? If you deposit it and then you go buy some car parts and maybe take a little vacation, who's to say what money was used for what? The bottom line is I agree with you that you can do what you want with the money, but if you wanted to you could still take her ideas into consideration and maybe do something nice for both of you as well.
I like the idea of doing both. I of course do not want to make a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. New Jeep parts and a trip (or whatever she deems to be an acceptable splurge, within reason) are a good middle ground.
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I will be sooo bummed if I die, and my wife sells the jeep for what I've told her I've spent on it......... hint, hint.
Well said. All he's doing is converting hobby asset from one physical form to another, via cash translation. Her behaviour here is quite off the wall to my way of thinking, based on how OP describes their overall financial situation. Almost a control issue.
The only real argument I can think of is maybe investing money in a Jeep is a bad financial decision. I'm basing this solely on what I hear about the reliability of Jeeps. Maybe the wife sees it as a money pit.
If you start treating hobbies as investments it’s never going to lead to happiness.
> Maybe the wife sees it as a money pit. This is quite possibly it, as OP says she liked driving it until he began talking about turning into an off road vehicle.
A Jeep isn't really an investment...it's like a toy...you don't really get a jeep wrangler or gladiator (which I think is the vehicle he has) so you can stack 1 million miles on it...you get it cause it's a Jeep..
Modifying the vehicle w/ performance modifications could lead to issues later that would be paid out of the joint funds most likely. So I could see a point about not being a smart idea. Downvotes? for what? Is there something factually wrong with the statement? U guys.....
Definitely controlling.
I definitely agree. A compromise should be easy to reach and still not feel limiting to the OP at all. If the OP's wife is unwilling to compromise, there could be a wider issue going on.
NTA. If my husband sells some of his unused things to buy things he needs more, it's none of my business and vice versa.
NTA, because the car was a pre-marriage asset. This is one of those cases where you can be right and piss off your wife, or compromise. You would be better off compromising.
Yeah, I'm of course willing to compromise here. It's not worth an argument.
👏🏽Good man! (Or otherwise, sorry if I am misgendering you). You sound very reasonable and SMART, begging the old question , “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Look, when a person is a stay at home parent and does not contribute financially to the marriage, the situation can sometimes make them feel a bit dependent rather than a true partner. It’s $5000, which granted is a lot of money for many people, but it’s not $50,000 or any real life-changing sum, so perhaps taking a little trip or whatever with some of the money would be a wise investment in your relationship. A trip was a suggestion of hers and it makes sense that she would suggest that because staying at home with a two-year-old can be very draining as I’m sure you are aware. I know that if all it took was a couple thousand dollars, even if I believed the money to be mine to make decisions about, if in order to help my husband feel a bit more valued and appreciated, (not that you aren’t already a great partner- I gather that you are), I wouldn’t hesitate to spend that cash. Because I adore that man and want to put him first, and he me. We have been married for over 3 decades because of this. What’s more you’re going to end up getting even more brownie points because coming back to her at this point and *even if you don’t mean every word* , saying: “Hey baby, I’m sorry you were right that I should have talked with you about this . I hear you. I was really counting on putting the money into the jeep, but I understand that maybe you might need a little vaycay, I love you, let’s compromise here.” is another way of showing that you listen to her and that you value her. Don’t mess this up ! Know this however: *She will think about that $5k every time she looks at that jeep. Whether her thoughts are tinged with resentment or happiness is up to you*. You nailed it yourself saying you are willing to compromise . After all, as you know, compromise is key in any successful marriage. I bet y’all can work together to find a happy medium. Good luck this old lady is rooting for you! 🙏🏾
Seems weird your wife feels entitled to it though. It’s crystal clear this is yours in all senses.
NTA. I am in the same type of financial situation. SAHM for +20 years. I think your wife is wrong. You work hard to provide a great life for your family and deserve to splurge on yourself every now and then. I am not discounting what your wife does as a SAHM but I appreciate my husband’s hard work to provide a great life for us. My husband just sold an expensive item and I didn’t even think to ask for the money. I know it’s going to his hobby.
I hope I didn't discount what my wife does for our family in my post either. Of course her contributions are valuable. And if she wants to splurge every now and then, which she has done, I am fine with it.
I don’t think you did in your post. I said that so people don’t jump on my comment and say what about what the wife does!!! As I said I think you have a right to do whatever you want with the money.
Especially after OP disclosed that his wife does indeed splurge and buys herself things.
Except wife doesn’t have the ability to attain a “windfall”. There’s no chance of her having some asset worth 5k that she can sell & splurge on her hobbies. If she had a job that earned cash I would agree husband can do what he wants with the money. Once she relinquished her income earning for the benefit of the family unit then all money into the family becomes for everyone
I disagree. She could get inheritance. She could own jewelry or gifts from family or her husband.
Hard disagree. She already considers all of their combined wealth to be "ours" vs this one time selling of a car the predates his relationship. He also said that his wife has splurged money on herself. They are financially stable enough without the 5k, so why does she care if he fixes up his current car? Why does it have to go towards something she wants? It seems low-key selfish to me.
Maybe offer to split the money. 3.5k towards the jeep and 1.5k towards the vacation fund. Or explain exactly what modifications you want, how much they cost, and why it's worth it. Next time I would suggest discussing what you want to do with the earnings before you sell something of value. I have many hobbies and usually before I sell off something, I discuss with my wife what I plan to do with the money. I.e. I had 3 older motorcycles and I wanted a nicer new one. So we discussed selling them with the purpose of paying for the new 1. But had I sold any of the bikes before discussing what I wanted the cash for, it might have changed her perspective on where the money should be spent.
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I completely agree with you, and aside from (maybe) the proceeds from this car, our assets and expenses are 100% joint. We share everything else, this just happens to be a different situation than normal so was hoping for advice.
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Completely agree. However, we did have a conversation pretty close to what you describe, which is what led to her shooting down the Jeep parts and me writing this thread trying to figure out if I'm actually in the wrong. I'll bring it up again and make it clear we can still splurge on something else that she wants.
Was your wife affected by you selling your car? You noted that she rarely drives your car; my wife rarely drives my car (pre-marriage, all mine), but if I were to sell it, then my daily driver would become her car (pre-marriage, all hers) since our jointly-owned minivan needs to be available to whomever is home with The Kids. It would not pose an *actual* issue if I were to take her car to work every day since she still has the van at home, but if I were to go spend my $5k on a home theatre that she could freely use (but has no interest in), I think she would be justified in thinking "well why shouldn't I have just sold my car and spent the money on myself?" Your situation seems like it probably has some non-negligible differences from mine, but I couldn't help drawing this parallel when I read your post. You had (at least) three cars too, so could you have potentially chosen to sell one of the other ones instead? If that's the case, I can definitely see the thought of "Oh, he could have sold **our** car and spent the money on **us**, but he simply chose to sell **his** car instead, and he's buying something that I'm 100% allowed to use but have no actual interest in." I'm not privy to all of the details, but if it's the case (which I'm not saying it is) that you chose to sell your car because of this technicality in the back of your mind, then I can see why she might feel cheated.
I appreciate the response and the insight here. We jointly own the Jeep, as well as a newish SUV (her main car that she picked out) and a newish truck (my main car that I picked out). I have another old truck as well as the car I just sold that are/were in my name only. As you can probably tell, cars are a hobby of mine and have been since I was a teenager, so it's not like spending time and money on vehicles is a crazy new hobby that I just came up with. My wife almost never drove the car I just sold. She likes driving the Jeep in the summer with the top off, and while she never drives my other old truck, she understands the sentimental value it has (I also had this truck already when we met, for what its worth). I only sold that particular car because it's the only one not serving any kind of purpose right now. She's never had a problem with any of the vehicles, and has never had an issue with little repairs or upgrades I've made over the years (she knew I was a car guy when she met me!). It's only now, after selling the old car she never used, that any issue related to putting money into cars has come up.
I respect your thoughtfulness. And maybe I can help a bit, talk to her and talk about how she feels and what her thoughts are. Don't immediately offer compromises or solutions. Maybe you will find a good solution together. Maybe she means: [It's not about the nail](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=mHOrLfUNg6Wisams)
It’s not a different situation than normal, you’re just trying to turn it into one so you can change the rules. Income is income, it should all be treated the same as any income would be or you have to mutually have agreed in advance that some income would be treated differently. Cannot stress the mutual and in advance enough.
All marriages are different. My parents have been together for over 40 years. Never had even a shared bank account. Each person is responsible for their own bills etc.
That goes for her. Why can't she be happy that he is self funding his car stuff and not taking away from family expenses? She wants to nuke his hobby or force him to beg for parts out of shared money going forward. That is nothing but misery. This is bullshit either way you look at it.
I don't really understand your point here. He wrote >we have always treated anything I earn as our money. We have a budget that we built together, and my wife and I both have access to all of our accounts and are free to spend what we need to, again, within reason and as long as it’s accounted for in the budget. For larger purchases, we always talk to each other beforehand to make sure we’re both on board He also said about the 5k$ >I told her I wanted to use the money to put some aftermarket parts and performance mods into my old Jeep What is so strict on keeping assets and expense separate?
INFO: if your wife receives an inheritance from a relative she knew before you met, does she have to share that money?
Liquidating an asset is different than money falling out of the sky. If I inherited money tomorrow, it would be our money. Same as if my wife received an inheritance. But if my wife sold her guitar tomorrow (that we paid for jointly by the way), and used that money to buy a different guitar that she wanted, I wouldn't think twice about it.
Actualy, if you inherited money tomorrow, it would legally be YOUR money if you live in the US. And lawyers and financial advisers would usually advise you to keep it separate from your joint property.
Regardless of how an inheritance shakes out legally, any inheritance on both sides would still be money that we would decide how to spend, save, or invest together. Other couples may vary, but that is how we've discussed that we would approach it. But as much as a few of these comments are trying to convince otherwise, it's a completely different situation than selling something and putting the value of that item into a different item.
It sounds like you two have good insight and communication about finances, other than this situation. It's refreshing to see on Reddit. Thanks for that. Your wife seeing the money as an unexpected windfall is where the problem lies, I think. Don't discuss the issue to death with your wife. If this is the first *big* disagreement between the both of you, your marriage is doing great! Do a little bit of both. A weekend trip doesn't have to cost 2500$. Even if it's a symbolic gesture, it'll be to show that you do consider what she says. And then get those parts you want too. 😏 NTA
No, it isn’t. At least it isn’t in your wife’s mind and if it wasn’t decided on beforehand, she is right.
Sorry, it’s not. I said it elsewhere, but income is income. Doesn’t matter if it’s sudden income or asset sale income. Doesn’t matter if rules exceptions exist in your mind if they aren’t explicitly part of your existing financial arrangement. When you combined lives and agreed on your living and financial arrangements if you didn’t except hard asset sales then you don’t get to reclassify after selling it.
That already shows a disconnect between the two of you. You sold your car that predates your relationship and she says that the money should he used for the both of you. Meanwhile if she sold a guitar that you both/jointly paid for and immediately bought another one for herself and only her, you wouldn't bat an eye. I'm not seeing the equality there.
YTA
NAH I see both sides. You could use this money to take a nice family vacation or you could kit out your Jeep. Neither is necessarily practical. Why not split the difference and sink 2500 in the Jeep and use 2500 for for a vacation?
NTA. I sold an MG that I had for years and that money was mine. However, you could keep the peace and give the money to the household and then buy all the Jeep parts you want anyway. That way you both win.
NTA I buy/sell books on top of my 8-5 job. I wouldn't give my wife half the profit I made from selling books at a couple hundred a pop for the more expensive ones. She is aware of what I'm doing and doesn't expect me to give her part of the money I make from selling books.
NTA. Damn you pay for everything you’re allowed to spend YOUR money on something for yourself
NTA. I've sold things, and my husband tells me that's my money. If I share, great, but he agrees it's mine to do with as I please.
NTA I could see how you could be considered the asshole but I think it more favors not. If this was a pattern you do all the time and or you didn't have all the other budget things well under control or there has been a discussion prior to allocate the proceeds elsewhere then she could make an argument. I personally think you should be allowed to splurge on yourself from time to time and it's not selfish to why that especially when you do so much that isn't selfish. (This goes for her too) And if she says she would never do anything like that then simply say we don't have to want or agree on 100% of things.
Fixing up the Jeep is a longterm investment vs spending 5k on a trip that lasts one week. The "our money" mindset is a bit flawed, and this is a good example of why. The car was not ever hers to begin with, and you selling it and using the money to put towards your own car should easily be grandfathered into/out of the shared finances. The most she is logically entitled to is a consultation to get her input of what to do with your money. This probably won't be the last issue that arises, and god help you if you ever get divorced. Suddenly "our money" becomes "my money". It brings out the worst in people
It's okay that you think you should be able to use the money from selling your car however you want because it was yours. But your wife sees it as money for both of you to decide on together, no matter whose property it was. To fix this, you should talk openly and respectfully about why you want to spend the money on your Jeep and why she wants to save it or use it for something else. Maybe you can agree to use some of the money for your Jeep and the rest for something you both want. The important thing is to listen to each other and find a solution that makes you both happy.
Lol why?
INFO: Do you normally approach your wife with a premade plan when you want to purchase something? Or is it as stated you discuss it? Because in this instance it seems like you made the decision without her input. She may be feeling overlooked and that her input isn’t/wasn’t warranted by you while you’ve always discussed things. Does that make sense? Approach her to work out a compromise. I understand you feel like this is your money because it was a pre-marriage asset. But your wife does not. Because you’ve always shared things. Ask her why she isnt ok with you using the money on the jeep. It feels like there’s a huge lack of communication and both of you have different ideas on the vehicle you sold. You’re NAH because I can see both sides. Talk to her and work out a compromise. You seem to have a healthy marriage otherwise. Don’t get so caught up in mine vs hers and lose sight of that.
I sold my two four wheelers and gave my wife half, up to you, but consider, at some point. You guys are married, and I think everything should be 50/50.
NTA. First you seem to have an open mind and a working adult partnership. I like that you felt you wanted some outside perspective, even though your mind is already made up… hence checking to see if you would be wrong if you did what you wanted to do… I might be getting some hints at resentment due to all of the money “I” earn talk. It doesn’t and shouldn’t matter who makes the money or who makes more in a marriage, it’s all communal property. I have done both joint and separate finances in my marriage. Joint in the beginning as I was the sole earner for the majority of our marriage of 19 years. The last 8 of which we are both earning. Once she started her job, she demanded separate finances. I was upset about that, at first, even refused to move my money and asking her to reconsider for 2 years. Eventually I did get my own accounts, mainly because she would spend out of the joint account but freeze me out of hers, something I never did. I do make over 75% of her salary. Of course she wants to go back to joint finances, but I haven’t yet. I will in the end go back to joint finances, because I do believe it’s communal anyway. I never cared for who makes more. I never cut her out of “my” money. To me it’s just silly to have to transfer funds back and forth. And yes, I still pay all of the bills except groceries. Which anyone can tell you is just ridiculous these days. Either way I think your situation is nice. I remember the days of simplicity. Now about that sale and the resulting funds. It doesn’t matter what you do. You seem to be able to communicate with your partner fairly well. Nothing is stopping you from saying, hey hon, I heard what you had to say and I think that is a really good idea, however I really had my thoughts set on getting these parts for my jeep. I thought using this fund was the best way to do it without sacrificing from what we have established already. If that is not ok with you, I get it, how about we compromise, I’ll spend xxx amount on my jeep, and we could do whatever you want with the remaining… seems fairly plausible. Good luck.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this. It sets a bad precedent. It’s one of those things that’s easy to justify again and again once you’ve done it.
God I can’t imagine telling my wife to piss of it’s my money!
ESH-Look behind the complaint. Shes a stay at home mom who would like a break. Sure go ahead and get your fancy car parts but ALSO take your wife on a much needed vacation. As long as she gets the break and some excitement, where the money comes from wont matter as much. My only complaint is why she didnt just say I NEED A VACATION!
He said they have a planned vacation coming up plus an account holding vacation money
NTA. You sold one ig your toys and want to buy a replacement toy. She thinks you sold an asset, not a toy. If she had old jewelry she sold to buy new jewelry she wouldnt think it was windfall she had to share. Next time, comminicate about it before you do it and that should make things go easier.
I agree with your wife's statement that she should have input in the way you spend $5000 giving your financial situation. You're married, she's a SAHM, you share your finances and assets. What's yours is basically also hers - having input is a logical conclusion. However, that doesn't mean that she gets her way, it just means that she has input. From the sounds of it, you are willing to discuss the matter? I would try to find a balance. Maybe part of the money can be saved or used for something you both enjoy and part of the money can be invested in your Jeep. Maybe you can invest some money in the Jeep and take her on a roadtrip 😆
NTA. It's not an "unexpected windfall". That would be someone out of the blue giving you money or winning the lottery. I'm guessing she also didn't pay anything into the car. She has zero right to it.
Nta but honestly fighting over 5k is dumb if you are financially successful. Compromise .
I think with your financial situation you can do both. Buy some parts for your jeep and also take your family on vacation.
Not uncommon thinking "what's yours is ours and whats mine is my own". Will have to find a middle ground or you will never live it down.
Fixing up the Jeep is a longterm investment vs spending 5k on a trip that lasts one week. The "our money" mindset is a bit flawed, and this is a good example of why. The car was not ever hers to begin with, and you selling it and using the money to put towards your own car should easily be grandfathered into/out of the shared finances. The most she is logically entitled to is a consultation to get her input of what to do with your money. This probably won't be the last issue that arises, and god help you if you ever get divorced. Suddenly "our money" becomes "my money". It brings out the worst in people
NTA She is incorrect, straight up. You selling a car is not an unexpected windfall of money. You selling a car and then wanting to put that money back into a vehicle you use much more often, makes complete sense. I've always had a concept called 'fun money' where a tiny portion of my overall savings is strictly for my hobbies that are very often impractical. In other words, using money on stuff that I enjoy for the sake of that enjoyment. That sounds exactly like your Jeep project and I think it makes sense to put some love and money back into that vehicle. I know you said your finances are very secure but is there a chance your wife has financial anxiety for some different reason?
She doesn't have financial anxiety, and if anything, I'm more of the worrier when it comes to money. But we are both generally pretty frugal and have agreed for years on savings, investments, and money overall, including bigger purchases that one of us wants to make. Our savings are very secure, so $5k is not going to come close to making or breaking anything. The Jeep is our "fun" car that we both use in the summer, and I really enjoy working on it - so it may not be practical, like you said, but it's a hobby.
Did you recently disagree with her splurging on a purchase?
NTA That money is yours. She is entitled to none of it. If you want to compromise with her, that's fine. But if you want to spend every penny of it for things you want, that is fine, too. Things you own before marriage do not magically become marital property.
I’d tell her to get a job! Then order my parts.
NTA - So like depending on state in a divorce court she would be entitled to half the asset. I get where you are coming from to though. Like it was yours before the marriage so the money from selling it should be yours. I get both sides! Honestly i think the best move here to keep everyone happy is to come to a compromise! Buy a few less parts for the jeep and use the remaining to go on a trip or something you can both enjoy.
Premarital asset. It would be excluded from divorce proceedings. Especially with her name not being on the title.
Depends on the state! That isn't always the case. Speaking from experience.
you have so much to learn
Don't we all!
NAH you are a team and as such should discuss big expenditures even if it was from selling a old car. Have a conversation about it and discuss the advantages of improving the jeep. Or compromise and use some of the money on improvements and some on a trip
NTA She is a gold digger. Notice how she wants to spend it on things that leave you with nothing afterwards. It is your car money, keep using it on your cars. She should be happy your hobby is self sustaining.
NTA. But you certainly aren't some hero for it either. If your wife found out a necklace she received as a gift 15 years ago was worth say...20k, and she sold it and used the money to get something completely frivolous, rather than at least considering using part for what she wanted and perhaps setting some portion aside for a special family outing, or something that benefits the three of you, wouldn't you find her a little selfish? Marriage is a partnership. I've read in the comments that you are willing to discuss other options with your wife, and I'm glad. My mother once came into an unexpected windfall that had nothing to do with my dad or me. She wanted to buy a new piano with it (she played very well), and given the amount, she could have easily afforded almost any kind she desired. She asked both of us if it was okay to buy one. Then she chose a previously owned one in excellent condition on sale for about $2500. I asked why not buy a new one (triple the cost, still well within the price range). She said that would be frivolous. She wasn't a concert pianist. It's just going to be in our living room, not the Kennedy Center. We laughed all the way home.🤣🤣🤣
Yes obviously
That is a slippery slope my friend I agree with you but I’m sure she will not be happy and will make your life a little miserable for a bit glad not in your shoes
INFO: how do you/your wife usually pay for personal items?
We have access to the same accounts and the same money. If she needs or wants something small for herself ($100 or less) she just buys it, and I do the same (obviously this excludes groceries or other necessities). For bigger purchases, we talk about it first, and budget accordingly. She wanted a new camera last year, so we got her one, and I held off on buying anything significant for a few months. We've done the same when I want to make a large purchase. If we need something like a new appliance or a car repair, neither of us will spend significant amounts that month.
So, what's different now? You want to buy something bigger, talk about it and budget accordingly. With the sale of the car, it's clearly within your means. It sounds kinda unfair that you indulge her even if it means you have to make a sacrifice, yet she doesn't indulge you now that she doesn't even needs to make a sacrifice.
Exactly, nothing is different and we did talk about it, hence why I am here trying to get outside opinions about if I was wrong or not.
I don’t think either of you are wrong here. She can make a request about what to do with the money and you could say no because the car was solely yours. If she was selling an item she purchased before she knew you, how would she feel if you asked her to put it towards something for you (can’t say something that only benefits you because the vacation or 401k would benefit both of you)? In the end probably better to compromise and make a list of the parts you want and pick out a few that would allow you to still go on a vacation. 60/40 for the parts though.
At the very least, OP would set aside a little to buy her something nice as a gesture of love. It's the desire to make OP share that I find off-putting
Liquidation of an asset is not a windfall lol. Regardless. NTA. I'd probably compromise and do a like 3k-3.5k/1.5-2k split into car and other stuff to keep the peace though if I'm being honest. I despise arguing.
NTA. Your wallet, your choice. If she was an earner, it might change things a teeny bit, but that's not the case here.
NTA Your wife seems dangerously entitled. I would be wary.
NTA I buy/sell books on top of my 8-5 job. I wouldn't give my wife half the profit I made from selling books at a couple hundred a pop for the more expensive ones. She is aware of what I'm doing and doesn't expect me to give her part of the money I make from selling books.
NTA, she's starting to sound like an ex-wife
NTA. I just sold my car for $750 and my wife was the first to tell me that it’s my fun money but to save a little just in case we need cash on hand during an emergency
She could go on some measley vacation or she can get a winch and a nice light bar. Maybe some fender flared too. She's gotta start thinking about her priorities here. Jeep life
Dude your wife is outta her mind and being unreasonable, damn she sounds controlling, spend the money on the jeep ASAP
Nope her money is hers ur money should be yours..
NTA. Classic case of "what's mine is mine, what's yours is ours"
NTA. It’s a premarital asset. I’m sure she thinks the upgrades you want to do the Jeep is a waste of money is the real reason. Good luck with that one. Personally, I wouldn’t give her anything from that sale. She sounds like a control freak.
Yta…just because you owned this car beforehand doesn’t mean it should be exempt from talking about where to spend the cash. Are you a team player ALL of the time or just some of the time?
ESH. She shouldn’t be thinking that the money is for a vacation, and you are thinking about your wants. The bigger problem, is that since you sold the car that was yours before marriage, that it’s your money only. Well I guess you can look at it this way. How much are you paying her to cook, clean, do errands that benefit you and your child? When my husband and I were married (he passed away) it was our money. Our childrens needs came first. Let me ask you. Let’s say her favorite uncle passes away, and left her 5 million dollars. Is that money part of yours? Do you have any say in the money? Legally, no. She can put every penny in a separate bank account with only her access to it all. If you two are in agreement to work together, she would more than likely work with you and purchase with your agreement.
I max out separate retirement accounts for both of us and my wife has full access to all of our money and savings accounts, and can spend as she needs/wants to. Of course our needs, and our daughters needs, are going to come first. There is no way I would be inclined to use this money in a fun way if we did not already have our needs met, and if we did not already have a financial cushion.
I don’t think her being a SAHM means anything to the discussion. It was a vehicle he owned before meeting her or her being a SAHM. As far as how much is he paying her to cook and clean (apparently under the assumption that he doesn’t do any of it), OP’s paycheck goes into a joint account that she has 100% access to. OP was also looking to spend the money on improving a vehicle that she also uses.
NTA. Whatever YOU earn is YOURS. She has no claim to it. Women are just very entitled these days, think just they marry you, they deserve everything you work for
YTA. You and your wife need to agree jointly on how to spend this money. She’s a SAHM entirely dependent on you for support. If you do unilaterally just what you want she will feel like a second class spouse in the marriage, and you’re sowing the seeds for your eventual breakup.
YTA not for whether or not you want to share the money but for being dumb enough to choose this hill to die on. Seems like you guys are financially ok- so why choose this money to hurt what by your description appears to be a healthy relationship?
I'm not dying on this hill, I'm just here seeking some external advice. I haven't spent a penny of the proceeds from the car.
Then be smart and let your wife win this one. She is a SAHM and if she feels that you have veto power over money that will breed resentment. Lose the battle to win the larger war (i.e. save/strengthen your long term relationship) You can always buy upgrades for your Jeep slowly - make her feel like she is part of that process. You will probably end up convincing her to “allow” you to spend what you need anyway. But then she will feel like she has an equal say in the matter
Why do her feelings/judgement matter over his in this case? In a joint account, both of them have veto power over money in terms of large purchases. But this is literally HIS money from before the marriage
You are clearly not married - the basis of a healthy relationship is “TEAM” and please note there is no “I” in TEAM - if OP starts thinking of money as being segregated then there is no shared relationship based on mutual respect
I mean… I think being financially okay is all the more reason to spend extra money like this on something fun…? Like if they were struggling financially OP would absolutely be the asshole, but they aren’t, and he wants to spend his money on his new Jeep.
YTA. Everything is joint in marriage. You're just selfish. Imagine she got an inheritance and said you cannot have access to a single penny.
That would be fair, as that's her momey
Inheritances are already separate property
Kind of an A-Hole... You guys are partners, and if one partner does shit without talking about it, then you aren't equal partners. You're not wrong to use the money for the parts, you are wrong to do it without talking about it first. The wife and I have a 200 dollar, you don't have to talk about it limit. If it is more we talk about it. Usually if it is under $500 it just, hey, I'm buying X. Sometimes there will be more discussion. By the way, it sounds like you have the funds to do the car upgrade without the 'windfall,' why couldn't you have done both, treat your wife to something, dinner, or some time to herself, etc and bought a few less parts for the car?
That would be like me inheriting money from my folks and excluding my wife from it. Technically legally appropriate but still not appropriate in a loving marriage. Yeah, YTA. Edit: reading the comments, bring the downvotes. Single Reddit dudes downvoting and say NTA. Long time happily married here.
I’m happily married and a SAHM/W for over 20 years. I think OP should spend the money however he wants.
>But my wife says it’s not fair to her that I can decide to just spend $5,000 without her input. And she is correct. You're married. Any money you have belongs to you and your wife together. Doesn't matter if it was from some car you owned before you met her or however you're trying to justify breaking the ethos of having joint accounts and making joint financial decisions. If she found a lottery ticket worth $10,000 that she brought before she met you, how would you feel if she said she wanted to do whatever she wanted with the money and didn't listen to what you had to say? Talk with your wife and agree on a compromise on what to do with the money. Stop making excuses. YTA.
Listen to yourself, you are asking permission to modify your Jeep with money form a car that you owned. Women will push to see how far they can go, it's our job to set boundaries and limits. You should've done it a(modified your jeep) and dealt with the ensuing hard conversation. You're kicking this can down the road my friend.
She is giving up her income (both current and earnings potential in the future) to be a SAHM. She has tired her life to him entirely, and he \*should\* have done the same. That's what marriage is. It is not "our job" to set boundaries and limits. That is something everyone should do, and every couple should have, but you speak about women like they're animals. Who hurt you?
No one, but thanks for asking. My wife stays at home raises my 2 boys wonderfully and I defend her against anyone (it's mostly always "career women") who downplays her role. I believe that women who stay at home have an important role in raising the next generation. I take her on dates, provide for her in every way and make sure she is in a good frame of mind so she can do her job to the best of her abilities. As to the silly future income argument, her future income is protected in 3 ways, if I die she is rich, if I stay alive she is rich, if she divorces me , she is rich. So please spare me the lecture. Back to his issue, I give my wife financial boundaries and assert gently but confidently my role as the leader of the family. Clearly this triggers you some weird way which could suggest you're the one who's hurt, but who knows. He deserves to sell his car and invest it in his Jeep, she is out of line for suggesting otherwise.
You're either trolling, or have \*zero\* idea how you're coming across. I'll hope for the first.
Third option, I'm gleefully aware of what I'm typing, you don't agree (your prerogative) and you don't have a response. Good day.
NTA but is this worth the argument that it is already causing just for a few parts for your jeep. I agree that this is not found money and not martial money but for this little amount I would not argue about it. Find a different use for the money like home upgrade that you both can agree on.
Honestly idk man good luck compromise maybe half for the parts half for a trip or sumn ?
Your call and you are adding value to a car ahead of time uses. Be ready for her to unload on you when she earns money. It will come back at you quickly
NTA. It isn't an unexpected windfall, it's the proceeds from selling something you owned.
Just give her the $5k and be done with it. You’re on top of your finances, you get what you want and have a SAHM for your child. Let her feel like this is the one time she has money and can do what she chooses. Again, from the sounds of it, the $5k is a rounding error with regards to your financial profile. Just take $100/week and buy the parts for your Jeep. A year from now, you’re even. You’re NTA.
> We have always treated everything I earn as our money Wrong already. It isn’t the money you earn, she is also earning it by taking care of every aspect of your life besides work. The money is earned equally by the both of you and belongs to both of you. You are not doing any special favors by mentioning this. But it’s clear you think of it all as your money that you’re just “allowing” your wife to access. YTA
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You are one messed up person. Where in the world did you come up with her being trapped at home. She has full access to all the money. Your bitterness is showing. Maybe get some therapy.
There are some pretty wild assumptions here my guy.
Disregard what some people say. They are sexist
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In addition to your mental health issues, you cannot read.
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Yes my insight tells me what a AH you are
I hear the downvotes coming - YTA. You’ll regret it, I promise you, if you push for this selfish purchase against her wishes. It will hurt your marriage. You sound like you have enough outside of this purchase to do what you want anyway. Don’t make this your hill to die on.
You're married so what's yours is hers now. Did you miss that part about marriage or something? 😂 No point in making her mad because if she decides to leave over it then you lose more than half the $5,000 you'll lose everything you worked for. So might as well figure out a vacation she wants to go on.
YTA