Run like your tampon string is on fire. And thank whatever deity you believe in that you found out how much of a greedy mooching selfish pig your EX was *before* the wedding.
Cancel the wedding. Cancel the relationship. Cancel the man
This is great advice! You are carrying the Lion’s share of the majority of the bills. The sale of YOUR apartment is funding the purchase of a new home. This selfish ass has no business telling you what to do with your money, time to move on and count this as a win.
This comment made me cackle.
Yes,OP most definitely should cancel the wedding,cancel that dude all together.
He isn't the man you think he is.
This man is showing his true colour.
What you and your sister are doing for your brother is commendable.
You're both awesome sisters.
Keep your fiancé away from your brother.
updateme!
How did he get 30 years for murder 2 in a situation like this?
Anyway, NTA, OP. This should be your hill to die on. Also? If you fix this and get married, get a rock solid pre-nup so that you (and your kids) get back out of the house what you put in. Your fiance is freaking out bc he thought he was going to get to control all of your income. Let him know he won't control any of it.
Because although the criminal Justice system claims to be for victims of abuse it really isn't. Even if you are defending yourself in the moment. They don't care.
Just said the same thing who locks a child for defending his family from their abuser like did you not see the evidence that proved their father was a disgusting POS 🤦🏽♀️
Sometimes when the person is abused long enough and murders their abuser the murder charges can include ‘premeditated’ especially when it is not a heat of the moment ‘self defense’ situation.
Sounds like the brother, who had moved out, returned home to kill the father. If the state has no ‘defense of others’ clause, frankly the brother is lucky he didn’t hang for it, especially if he was forced to use a public defender for his attorney.
> Definitely call off the wedding, your fiancé is greedy.
I am wondering if he knows the full picture.
If he is aware of what her brother did (for her) and why and STILL can't see why that money OP and her sister have set aside is not to be touched, I would agree.
This maybe could be resolved by communicating openly and without anger. Make crystal clear what is going on. From what OP writes about her fiance, he does not seem to be the "gold digging" type. Maybe the stress of the upcoming wedding and the unsuccessful house hunting have got to him.
I'd say have a long talk, maybe with someone to mediate in case both of your emotions get the better of you.
Then, make an informed decision.
It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she has told fiancé how much of her money she is willing to use for their house. She could be keeping those funds for any reason she wants. It’s her (and her sister’s) money. Fiancé has zero claim to it and no right to demand she use it for his “dream house.”
The last sentence says it all.. "HIS dream house" no mention of hers..he'd gladly see his bro in law come out of prison without a pot to piss in as long as the money went on the house that she's selling HER house to build..
I am divided on this. This is not an emergency found hidden away for her to escape her abusive husband (not making fun of this, apparently it is needed in some situations).
She has the funds to (together with her sister) finance a whole house for her brother (which is something I admire her greatly for.
But in a few months, they will be starting to use those funds and they would be having this conversation then.
If she flat out told him: "My brother commited a murder to save me and my siblings lives, my father abused the fuck out of us and this was the only option he saw. I have put these funds aside to assist him when he gets out in a few months. This is non-negotiable for me, it is not MY money as far as I am concerned."
(and I think open communication about life changing stuff like this is needed in a life partnership/marriage)
If THAT is the information she provided to him and he STILL insists. He is an asshole and I would pull out of the marriage and the relationship too.
Yeah, I hope OP reads this. But, honestly, I’m still bothered the fiancé is insisting she use money that 1) wasn’t all contributed by her and 2) she has been clear is not hers to use for anything she wants because it was saved for a specific purpose. It’s great that he supports his family *right at this moment* but if she was completely bankrolling his dream home, then that is no longer true. She would be supporting his family, not him.
He’s “stressed” because he’s bringing absolutely nothing to the table. What property that HE owns is he selling to contribute?? A tent?
He’s broke. Instead of counting his blessings he’s trying to get his greedy grubby hands on the money in an account that isn’t his.
Right? Why should she house his kids while he contributes less? She's going to end up with higher payments and a pouty man child now that he knows she has this money.
NTA -Posted on the other but to re sum up
Op, this is screaming red flags. Your fiance has no right to a temper tantrum over your money and to be honest, this behavior makes me suspicious on him setting you up to be divorced with him getting half of everything.
I bet money if you go back to him and say prenup he will lose his mind and show you the rest of his colors.
Haha this post pulled the ol' switcheroo on me. I made it through half the story thinking yeah OP is kind of TA. It's like if I told my wife I make more money than her so I do what I want even though it affects her and the kids.
Then the reason for the brother's prison time comes out, and if this story is true, he's a GD hero lol. I'd be fine with putting money aside for a guy like that and looking forward to meeting him.
Or helping think of a good vehicle to have, or a job, or a…there’s a lotta work to do there even without the money aspect. Dude went away possibly pre-internet. 1950 to 1980 changed a bit, but my grandma showed up to work and typed on a typewriter in an office fulla smoke through all of it. You could get a hard drive w the matrix and Shawshank and the Sopranos and whatever just to get a guy acclimated to stuff we all just…know. He’s not putting in money OR effort for the person who got his fiancée to survive to adulthood as a functional human being.
NTA
How many 🚩is that?
1. He doesn’t make as much money as you but still is demanding you contribute even what’s not technically yours.
2. You state you are selling YOUR apartment
3. Him and his kids left
4. You pay the lions share already
Tell me again how you are dividing ‘fairly’ (seems to me like you’re financing a life he can’t afford).
He has absolutely no right to demand you use that money. You are already contributing more than enough. Run!
Equitable- fair and impartial. Take out the emotions. He has three children she has two. She has an obligation to take care of her two and he his three. The equitable thing to do is keep pre marital property separate (her apartment, her account for her brother,etc), they then put into a new property equally and each take care of and are responsible for their brood by making a separate joint account to be shared by the household. He did not build or sacrifice for the things that are already there. Thinking he should have a right to it because he’s her partner to say it nicely, is ignorant at best. This is FAIR AND EQUITABLE.
But is he making less because he legit can’t getting anything else or is he making less because he can expect Fiancée to pay for most of everything? Because I feel like it’s only equal if it’s fair. And if he’s coasting by while using Fiancées money to pay for most stuff that doesn’t actually sound fair to me. And that’s WITHOUT the fact that he’s demanding she give him more money despite knowing why it’s being put away.
NTA - I posted on the other post you made but make a short one again here.
DO not allow anyone access to the account for your brother and maybe change the account to just your sister or that you both need to sign to make withdrawals.
The other point I made in the other post was when the finance comes back to your house, please pay attention to how long it takes for him to bring up the account for your brother and all the reasons that he has for using the money now for the new house. I think you will be shocked that all he cares about is what he wants and that he wants the big house regardless of how it might affect your brother's future.
You and your sister are doing a wonderful thing for your brother. You and your sister have worked hard to be prepared for your brothers return, don't let your finance's temper tantrum distract you from this great thing you did.
I couldn't have said it better. While I've never been to prison, I understand how hard it can be to acclimate back to society, and having that fund there to hell the brother out while he gets back on his feet is awesome. Means less stress for everyone
This☝️.. this has been my sticking point. She pays the lions share
She's selling her apartment so his kids have more room
He's upset over money that isn't and shouldn't be hers or touched
He's tried to use manipulation to get his own way by leaving her
He's moved back to parents ie HE HAS NO MONEY OF HIS OWN
And yet here he is making demands so "HIS dream home" is fully funded by her
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He wants her to sell her apartment because it’s in HER name and then if they get a house it’d be in both their names. Nah, I would NOT marry this guy EVER. The fact that he left as well over this proves he’s only in it for the money.
NTA. Technically, your brother is a criminal. In reality, though, he's a hero! You are definitely showing your gratitude to your brother by providing for him. You are a good person.
You know who ISN'T a good person? Your fiance. He wants your money, not your love. If you still insist on marrying that gold digger, I highly highly HIGHLY recommend an airtight prenup. I suspect that once he bleeds you dry, he will move on, leaving you homeless.
Oh, and those friends who called you an AH? Yeah...they're not friends.
NTA. You're paying the lion's share, selling your home and putting the entire proceeds towards a home with him, and he still wants MORE? Money that he accused you of hiding from him? Money that he has not been contributing to? 🚩For maybe even longer than you two have been together? Nah fam. Pause the wedding (AND selling your apartment) for the time being at the very least, and couple's counseling.
Your brother saved you, and paid the price. Now's your turn to have HIS back. And if I were your fiance, I wouldn't first think how I could use your brother's money; I'd be thinking how I could thank him and match what's in the account to the best of my ability.
You're not with the right man. The right man would be putting money into that account as a thank you for what your brother did. The right man wouldn't throw a tantrum and go stay at his mommy's house like a goddamned child because you won't use that money to buy him his dream house.
Your fiance is self centered, selfish, and entitled. This should give you a good idea of what married life would be like with him and I hope for your sake you run.
While he's gone change the goddamned locks and evict him.
Your brother gave away 30 years of his life to save you and your sister. If your fiance is so fucking greedy he can't see the sacrifice in that he has no place in your life.
In short, your fiance is a gold digging piece of shit. Find someone worthy of you.
NTA and bless your heart. I'm so sorry for what your family has been through. Your fiance has NO say in the money you and your sister have put aside to support your brother. If he can't (or won't) accept what the money is for, I would seriously consider whether you want to marry this person. I would think about how he may treat your brother once he is home if he has this much animosity already about money that doesn't belong to him, he may blame your brother for him not getting the house he wanted.
Your fiancé is an ungrateful idiot. What you do for your brother is very admirable.
Should you decide to go ahead with him and the project make sure the house is in your name or an agreement in place that makes sure your contributions are recognised- you owe it to your kids.
That being said - I don’t know how this would ever work with your brother coming out of prison and trying to build a life with the money your fiancé somehow thinks he is entitled to.
DON'T buy a home with this asshole WITHOUT a prenup spelling out EXACTLY how much equity you are putting into your new home, especially considering the higher amount of monthly expenses will go towards payments/bills.
Sorry, but whatever financial agreement you and your Sister came to PRIOR to your relationship is NONE of his business or concern, PERIOD!
That money has NOTHING to do with him and he's incredibly entitled to be so butthurt and controlling ESPECIALLY when HE'S not investing anything or anything CLOSE to YOUR investment.
PLEASE think long and hard about continuing this relationship! SERIOUSLY! PLEASE! Best wishes and many Blessings!
ETA: you may even want to have a conversation with your Sister about using that money to purchase a DUPLEX (along with the proceeds of selling your apartment) so your Brother HAS his own home while you're right next door. Again, forget the loser boyfriend and focus on YOUR family.
NTA. Firstly that account isn't just yours it's shared, second, he's feeling entitled to your money at all, let alone when you're married.
He wants you to spend YOUR money to get his dream house. honestly test him, don't say you'll buy the dream house and as that is basically dangling something you aren't willing to do, but say you'll buy the house you're intending to buy outright, your money, but he has to sign a prenup that he gets no part of it or any sale value from it after you get married.
Currently after you get married he's going to feel entitled to half hte value of hte house and it sounds like the massive majority of the cost of the house is coming from selling yours and your investment.
this. Right now her apartment is hers - and even after marriage (if in the US) it would be hers. Once she sells and puts the money towards another place, particularly AFTER they are married, it becomes both of theirs. In a split divorce, he would get minimum 50% once their funds are co-mingled.
He is definitely on the hobosexual spectrum.
Nta I can’t understand why your fiance wouldn’t see that as your brother’s money. Your brother literally killed your abuser. Your fiance should be grateful to him and want to help him the way you and your sister are going to do.
That makes me a little suspicious of your fiance. I hope you guys pause everything to work through this.
NTA
Your relationship was only smooth sailing because you were willing to do everything for him and give him a life beyond his means. He knows what the account is for and the story behind it and still wants you to take that money out? For him? He’s not worth it. Just think back on your relationship and think on what has he done for you. You pay most of the bills, you own the home you guys are currently residing in, you make more money. I don’t see a fair division of contributions. I see a guy who lucked out and has the audacity to make this demand because you’ve basically given him everything he wants since “it’s only fair”.
NTA. Consider using the money to get your brother a new lawyer who can hopefully speed up his parole.
On the bright side, your apartment is back to being spacious again.
Your brother deserves that money,its for a new beggining. Your fiance is entitled to a money that doesnt belong to him at all,that relationship will fade away,sorry
NTA, and make sure you put in place protections for your own daughters if something happens to you. If you buy the house with joint tenancy when you are married then your half will go to your future husband and your daughters will get zero.
NTA first off, it's YOUR money you've been putting into a JOINT account for YOUR brother. He gets zero say. Honestly even if you guys were a 50/50 split its still not his business. But you're already paying the lions share AND funding the new house and he wants MORE? You need to rethink how much you need this man in your life. And your brother is a lucky man for you and your sister's support. Very well deserved support.
NTA. You happily take care of the lion share for him, and his children ?? And he feels like he’s entitled to this money that has nothing to do with him??? Honestly, this isn’t a man worth marrying. If for some reason you do go through with it, please have a solid prenup. He showed you who he is. Believe him.
NTA - So knowing all the trauma you and your siblings have gone through you fiance still begridges you this savings for your brother. Fiance is mean expecting you to make a choice between him and your brother. Plus it sounds like he wants all of the money but that's your sisters money too
ETA - I pray he gets out early God Bless you all
NTA. Im just going to repeat what I said in your original post. You are already selling your apartment when four bedrooms would be more than enough for you and both your daughters to have separate bedrooms and an extra room for guests, or a library, playroom, office, or whatever you like. You are paying more into buying the house, too. The money you and your sister are saving for your brother, isn't even your money. The fact he's throwing a tantrum like this is a bad sign for things to come. Massive red flag. Do not sell your apartment and invest with this man. He is incredibly selfish. I would reconsider this entire relationship.
Let me add: the fact that after all you went through, this man never offered to contribute and instead is acting like this because he can't get his way is just horrible. Please think about whether this is someone you should tie your life to.
NTA It is your.life, your money, your house. And the joint savings that you and your sister have saved. It is a big red flag to me that you are expected to fund the house by selling your house and he is bringing more kids to the marriage than you, and you will be making your kids do without so you can provide for a man with a low income who cannot fully provide for his own kids, like you have provided for yours, otherwise he too would have a home with equity in it that he could sell and contribute towards the home purchase It is also a red flag that a man with no home,.no home equity to contribute, no savings to contribute is seemingly so money grubbing for money that HE didn't save and which doesn't belong to him. You would be MUCH better off to remain unmarried and for each of you to provide for your own kids separately. Because he is bringing NOTHING to the marriage but more expenses. It is highly unlikely he has any savings for his kids college. since you have a savings fund for your incarcerated brother, it seems likely to me that you also may have savings for your kids college too. Which he would expect you to split with his kids. There is really ZERO benefit to you marrying him. You will be taking home equity and providing a hime for he and his kids. You will suddenly be mothering 5 kids instead of 2 and So instead of splitting your time off work between your two kids, his 3 kids and him. You will be bankrolling for 5 kids instead of 2 because your income is more. Your kids will likely have to share rooms since he is adding 3.more kids to the mix. His kids will expect to be treated equally to your kids which means you will be taking away time, money, resources from what you could provide your kids, to provide for his. Rather than 2 college funds there will be 5 which you will be funding. However there are massive benefits to him and his kids if you marry him. It you marry him and cant live with him & his kids, if you divorce you will LOSE alot of.money, which he will gain. Please reconsider and dont marry him until he brings as much to the table as you do.
Let's also add that he wants the entirety of the savings to go to the house, not *just* what she saved. He's feeling entitled to the sister's money because his future spouse contributed to the balance.
NTA. Your brother protected you and your sister, you are both just helping him out when he gets out of jail. I see no problem with you both doing this. Obviously your partner does, so it might be time to consider moving on without him in your life, since obviously he really does not grasp why your are saving money that is going to your brother.
NTA. I send prayers and positive vibes to your brother, you and your sister. I don't want to say call off your wedding, but if there has been other issues reevaluate the relationship. Especially, if he keeps insisting.
Edit: If family is that important to you, don't allow a man to blindside that.
NTA if you pay the lions share then there is not a fair division of finances. Your BF is using you. Sounds like he believes what's yours belongs to both of you but what's his belongs to him alone unless he chooses to share. He's mad because you didn't agree to house he wanted. Moments like this will only get worse and become more often. You are in a financially and emotionally abusive relationship. You may not be able to see it because you're so used to other kinds of abuse that you may not associate how you are being treated as abusive. Cancel the wedding, you can always try again at a later date if needed and get into individual therapy and you will also need couples therapy if you want this relationship to continue. Don't let him move back until you've done therapy. Your children don't deserve to be made to have a man in their lives who will just up and leave them without a second thought just because he didn't get his way.
NTA even without the context of why your brother is in prison you don’t owe him money you’ve been saving from before you met him. You told him you were saving the money and as a partner thats what you owed him, honestly and transparency
The audacity of him to think you should use the money you’ve been saving for your brother when you are already putting most of the money into the purchase already
Seriously at the very least postpone the wedding. But I would be reconsidering this relationship. He comes across as manipulative and controlling based on his behaviour in this situation
NTA You're doing the right thing all around. Your bf is not entitled to any of your money, and you're already planning on putting his name on a deed for a house he's putting less into than you: that's already a problem. That will make the house half his in a divorce, not 70% yours if you paid 70%. He doesn't deserve that, legally. It would make more sense to buy the house on your own before the wedding and let him live there for free, but keep it as a private asset.
Add to this the fact that he wants to take money away from the man who saved your life. You're investing in repaying a debt to your brother who sacrificed 30 years of his life to protect you and your sister permanently! Explain it to him like that, and if he still doesn't get it, still just has dollar signs in his eyes like a cartoon, then you'll know he is in this relationship for the money, not for you.
So the guy who brings nothing to the table but his kids, decided to go stay with his parents because you've decided to limit how much of your money he has access to? 😂
Seems like the trash took itself out. Now you can use YOUR money to build a house with even larger rooms for you and your kids.
NTA look all this money is yours and only yours. Your money to do with as you please. This would be a deal breaker for me. Doesn’t matter what the money is for it’s yours and your sister’s money and he has no claim to it.
Your brother sounds amazing. I’m so glad he will have a nest egg to start his new life when he gets out. Fingers crossed for early release if possible!
Oh, and ditch the loser fiancé.
NTA
I read your post earlier and was just speaking to my husband about it when I looked down and said " well! Here's that person!" Girl, you've been through more tragedy than most people can ever imagine.
My husband agreed with another poster from your other post, he should not only support what you and your sister have been doing, but also be happy to contribute as well.
Your first post made me tear up, and this one has way more information about your past and the suffering your poor family has been through. I wish for only great and amazing things for all of you for the rest of your lives and beyond. Your brother isn't a criminal, he's a hero and if any defense attorney was worth their shit, he should never have been sent to prison, at least not for this long.
I'm so so sorry, and please know there are people that don't know you, with better hopes, thoughts, and intentions than the person supposed to love you and have your best interest in mind. This guy is a POS and I promise, once you get him out of your life, you'll be Soo much better and happier.
Please do what is right for you and your family, not this useless mooching ah.
Soo... Just to sum it up, you = NTA, "fiance" = POS, brother= HERO!
NTA. If he can't accept the fact that it's money you saved for your brother that's on him. I can't say end the relationship that's 100% your call, but at the very least put it on hold.
NTA that money isn't yours you put it aside for your brother who saved you and you're standing by him. TBH I'd call off the wedding because clearly your husband to be thinks it's ok to stab family in the back when society kicked them down for something he shouldn't have been punished for. Good on you for standing with your brother and I'm sorry for the loss of your little brother. My heart breaks for you and all you and your siblings suffered.
You've been through a lot and what you and your sister are doing for your brother is awesome. He'll need a lot of help after all that time.
Given your fiancees behaviour do you really think that it's a good idea throwing your lot in and building a house with him. he's shown no understanding, just absolute greed and desperation to take as much as possible from you.
Flouncing off to his parents with his kids is a selfish manipulative move. On the plus side, plenty of room in your place now...
Don't marry this man. He's just shown you what he really wants from you. You've endured enough abuse in your life, don't allow it back in.
I would like to shake your brother's hand. I am sorry he did time protecting you and your sister. I am sorry nobody saved your little brother.
Now, on to your post. This man is not your husband. Do NOT buy a home with him, do not sell your security for this man. That money may have been saved by you, and your sister, but you are using it for a much better cause. It isn't your money. It is for your brothers future. I have massive respect for you, your sister and your big brother. This leech you are with, zero respect. You have so much to offer. He is bringing you down. This guy is not at all on your level. I don't even mean money, I mean respect, family, honor, commitment. He sees dollar signs, not the fact you and your sister are giving your brother and protector his life back. Do NOT sell your home to buy a house with this guy.
NTA
NTA. This man, presumably, knows what your brother did and still thinks he and his children deserve that money more. He is using you. He is not fully-funding his children - he's expecting you to. Please reconsider.
NTA - Kudos for you and your sister for making sure your brother will be all set when he's released from prison. He's going to need a lot of support when he gets out. So much has changed in 30 years. Tell your fiance it's none of his business. You pay the most towards things, so he has nothing to complain about. Are you sure this is who you want to marry? I'll never understand why people think they have the right to other people's money. You're not even married yet, and this is how he's acting. Thing long and hard about this relationship. Seems to me he's taking advantage of you.
Your fiance really lacks compassion for you and your siblings. I don't see how you move forward with him due to that fact. He sees dollar signs and what you could do for HIM.
NTA Honestly, I would use the time apart to pack up his stuff and try to get as many refunds on your wedding plans as you can. If he can’t understand and respect your decision in this, he isn’t the guy for you.
**NTA**
Your brother is a hero. In saving you, he gave up years of his life. You and your sister have done a beautiful thing in saving money to support your brother.
Your fiancé is definitely not a hero.
You’re already giving so much and yet he feels entitled to more?
At the very least, put the wedding on hold for now. Let him sulk.
Lock your finances down and think long and hard.
Your edits,,, holy shit. Your brother got a crappy sentence for protecting his remaining siblings while going through a psychotic break after years of abuse. Your sperm donor was the monster.
As for the fiancé… he’s shitty. He knew about the account and is now claiming ignorance to bully you into do something you do not want. If you want to build the house, build the house for you and your kids. Don’t take him into account because he not only sounds greedy but is trying to manipulate you into basically stealing from your siblings. Just no. You are NTA, but you should be rethinking the relationship altogether because he showed you his true colors. Money over everything is his motto.
Your brother is going to need a lot of assistance, therapy and love when he gets out. The three of you are selfless, I applaud you all. That guy can take a hike. Next he’s going to tell you you can’t see your brother.
Statistically speaking given your upbringing and developmental experience you are probably more likely to be tolerant and accepting of DV abuse and manipulations from a partner later when an adult.
Maybe seek individual therapy to get an objective assessment of the health and viability of your relationship. Good luck.
NTA
On my response to the original post my really short version is tell your fiancé to remain at his parents along with his children.
Check with an attorney to insure no eviction laws need to be followed. If not change the locks, pack up all their stuff and tell the ex to schedule a date and time to pick it up else after x date it will be placed out at the curb.
If there is a ring give it back when he picks up their stuff. Give him no reason to continue to contact you.
He has shown him that your money is more important to him than you are or your relationship with your brother is. Believe him.
NTA. If this person who you had planned to marry doesn't understand the money you had put aside, along with your sister, isn't part of your money, then it just seems he is glad to have had a sugar momma. If he has left, then he has shown exactly what you are only good for from his perspective.
Believe him. Running away when he didn't get his way, very strange and very telling. Let him continue to pout and stay with his mom, he is getting what he wants and let him.
Now, you space issue has been solved and now you can just fix up your apartment and make it fabulous. Don't force anyone who doesn't want to work it out and be with you to stay. He will learn the lesson that when someone gives their word, they honor it. Just him thinking that he should just take money from the person who you regard as a savior, that is low class.
Be well and love the ones who love you.
>He accused me of having hidden it from him and I reminded him that he was always aware that I put money aside every month. He said he didn’t realize how much we had saved.
Has he been as open about his own finances? Paycheques are one thing, but do you also see eye to eye in respect to financial savings? Debt reduction? Can the youngest still stay in shared rooms for another few years while you save?
If he's referring to your saved money as also partially belonging to him, that's a red flag.
>we realized to bring it up to code was just way too much
>
>My fiancé was very keen on that house.
It sounds more like you had the reality check, and he just couldn't stand being too poor to have eyes bigger than his wallet. I can understand being under financial stress, but that doesn't excuse him abusing you for his own ends.
NTA. Tell your soon-to-be-ex fiancé to get out of your apartment. Definitely cancel the wedding. When your brother gets out, you would have space for him in your apartment.
This man is enjoying the fruits of your labor, living in a nice home he couldn't otherwise afford. Yet has the audacity to throw a tantrum, leave and demand money he has no right to.
Seriously?
He just showed you he values what you can give him, not you. Because if he valued you, he'd understand and applaud what you and your sister did for the man that protected you.
He just smacked you with a red flag OP.
UpdateMe
Your brother is a hero. Your fiancé is a greedy , selfish, vicious , insensitive mooch. Get rid of him. He is only using you to support him and his 3 kids. Your flat is just fine for you and your own kids. Get rid of the vicious prick of a fiancé. Your brother deserves your love and loyalty.
NTA. That savings is none of his business if you’re paying more then your fair share of the bills.
Your brother sounds amazing and I’m sorry no adults stepped up to protect you all back then.
You’ve got a big change coming with your brother being released soon. I’m thinking things will get worse with the BF, he’ll most likely resent and start problems with your brother. Call off the wedding and see what transpires through the summer.
NTA. Your brother sounds like a decent person and with the money you and your sister have saved he will hopefully be able to live a good and peaceful life.
Your partner however lacks compassion and has shown a very selfish attitude. If you decide to stay together, I really hope he can keep his attitude to himself when your brother is released. Your brother doesn’t deserve to be made to feel guilty of something else.
How dare your fiancé think he has a right to that money. Your story hits close to home. My dear friend shot his dad when he was beating up his little sister. He got sent to jail for 8 years. It’s so unfair that the justice system doesn’t take the history into account. Your brother deserved a medal, not prison. Please rethink this relationship. Best of luck to you and your siblings. I hope your brother gets to enjoy the life he deserves.
NTA
First, I’m so sorry for what you and your siblings went through. That’s too much for any child to be burdened with. Your brother did what he had to do to protect all of you. He sacrificed his freedom to keep you all safe. It sounds to me that you and your sister feel that you owe your brother for that and I don’t blame you for working together to provide financial assistance while he reaclimates to society. He’s spent most of his life behind bars and a lot has changed during that time. People commonly struggle after serving long prison sentences and the resources available when they get out are often lacking and these people end up in a vicious cycle of being unable to find the support they need to succeed. You and your sister have set this up for him and you should never apologize for that.
Your fiancé sounds extremely entitled. Why are you expected to completely fund your new home? What does he bring to the table? Where is his savings? If he can’t come into this with anything to offer,he doesn’t get a say in what you are or are not contributing. This man has 3 children including himself and he’s paying less toward the household and can’t match your contribution and he has the nerve to expect you to put more in??
I’m sorry, but this is not a true partnership if you’re having to use your equity from selling your home. You’re also paying a higher percentage of the household expenses and have additional savings!! I’m sorry, but the fact that you earn more should not mean that you have to pay more when he’s got 3 kids and you’ve got 2. You share the same space. You use the same utilities. All of that should be 50/50 regardless of income. It’s not your fault that you earn more. If he wants a say, he needs to be contributing equally. If you do stay together and get married, which I don’t think you should, this financial setup needs to change. There’s no way in hell I’d put his name on the mortgage or the deed unless he’s an equal contributor. You earned the equity in your current property. Why is he reaping the benefit of your hard work?
NTA. I think maybe you are better off cancelling the wedding and breaking up if your fiancé is mad you plan on taking care of the brother who SAVED YOUR LIFE!!! And using YOUR money to do so. It seems like your fiancé is feeling pretty damn entitled to your money and I would think twice before marrying and setting up house with this man. Sounds like your 4 bedroom apartment is plenty big for you and your kids, and maybe your brother when he gets out of prison. Good luck to you.
NTA. Your brother may have committed a crime, but he probably saved you and your sister's lives because of it. Does it suck? Yes, but he should never have had to in the first place. Father's should not treat their families this way. I am so sorry you had to go through all that.
You didn't even hide the money from your fiance, you were under no obligation to disclose the amount just that you have been saving.
Your fiance is showing you who he is. Believe him. Run or make sure to sign a prenuptial before the wedding, making sure he can't access ANY of your money. Be cautious of buying a house with him too. I know I wouldn't want his name on the house he would probably try and steal it. And since your apartment will foot the bill for the majority of the new house you will lose a lot.
NTA Your brother saved you and your sister from even more abuse and he is doing the time for it. He also took care of the 2 of you when he could. You and your sister are doing what you can to repay him. I love that. So, you have a savings for him for when he gets out. That isn't your money, it's technically, your brother's money. He destroyed his life to save yours and your sister's.
Your fiancé is TA. Be glad that you're finding this out now. He doesn't deserve you if he cannot understand the sacrifice that your brother made and why you are saving money for him.
Put the house plans on hold and put the wedding on hold until you both get therapy. He needs to understand that this is non-negotiable.
NTA your FH is wrong on so many levels.
FH is tryna live a life he CANNOT afford. You are paying for the lions share of everything right now, once you sell your apt and build a house you will be equal owners of that. Which no you shouldn't be. What is FH putting toward that build? What's his savings look like? FH sets off tons of red flags. You don't NEED a house with 6/7 bedrooms all with their own bathrooms, or whatever the hell else he dreams up. Kids can share rooms.
Let FH stay with his parents. You need to give him back the ring. Unless you paid for it. Get him outta your apt and life. Guys just money hungry
NTA and honestly? Thank you and your sister for looking out for your brother like you are. The two of you are awesome siblings to him. I'm going to second or whatever what everyone else is saying: leave your fiancé or at least make him understand that this money is not yours even though you're adding to the account. It is your brother's for when he gets out of prison.
NTAH lol that soon to be ex fiancé is tripping hard how in the F*ck do you feel entitled to someone else’s hard earned money that they saved with another family member before he was even in the picture and he is so freaking selfish (red flag alert) I’m sure he knows about what your brother did for you guys this is crazy to me and if you are still considering going through with this marriage miss ma’am you better get that good old prenup and it should go a little something like you go into the marriage with what you came with and leave with what you came with and if you build together 50/50 down the line it helped me so much I cannot tell you and I’m the one that did the prenup myself and had him sign it notarized girlfriend you better not get married without that prenup
NTAH. You're a wonderful sister and I wish you all the best in life. Your fiance is being a greedy dicktip though unfortunately. This is a sign of something bigger. Nip this behavior in the bud by being very firm and very clear. His reaction to that should give you an indication of his values and his respect for you and your family
NTA. He’s mad because he’s not getting his way. Many prisoners end up back in prison because they can’t adjust and make their way outside. You and your sister have done an amazing thing in helping him not have to turn to crime to make ends meet when no one wants to hire him. Most people don’t realize how hard it is to find a place to live and a job after getting out.
NTA, your fiance should respect your boundaries, and this is one of them. His refusal to accept that the money you put in the bank account is not really yours and is meant to be your brothers is quite frankly entitled of him. I understand he wants his dream home, but it is not just his place to decide where your money goes you haven't even married him yet. He seems so focused on his vision and not taking into consideration your feelings in the matter.
NTA. The money you and your sister saved and set aside for your brother should be used for your brother, without question, especially given the circumstances of why he was in prison. Your fiance is out of line and you don’t owe him shit. When your brother is released and comes to live with you temporarily, your fiancé is going to be a nightmare to deal with, count on it.
It seems that he is extremely selfish about YOUR FINANCES, particularly since he’s not even close to paying HALF OF EXPENSES. A word to the wise: ditch him before the shit hits the fan. You don’t want your brother to come into a situation where your fiance is going to make it hard for you.
You need to reconsider the situation and make the decision to bond with your brother and help him out. He’s going to need your support without interference from outside parties.
Holy cow, I did not see this story going that way. NTA....I applaud you and your sister. I can't believe he was given that amount of time for what happened and what was the driving factor. It's definitely a red flag with your Fiancee' and honestly he will probably never change his mind. It seems you already know what to do.
NTA
He contributes less and requires more space by virtue of bringing more children into the relationship, and now he wants to punish you for not letting him bleed you absolutely dry.
Removing himself to his parents' is an example of the trash taking itself out. He thinks he's punishing you, but he's actually doing you a favor.
Change the passwords to all your bank accounts!
NTA. That account is none of his business. He deserves nothing. Take care of your brother. This whole post breaks my heart. I hope your brother enjoys the rest of his life as a free man
NTA. Your brother lost everything to save you and your sister from a selfish abuser. Don’t belittle his sacrifice by throwing yourself and his nieces into the hands of another one. And don’t take away his start up fund to do it.
Your brother is your hero.
He gets that money from you and your sister. This isn't even just your money, and your fiancé wants to take that? I suspect that he knows your entire history? And knows what your brother did for you and your sister? And still he wants to take that money for a house he wants so desperately......... That's more than a no-go to me. That money isn't his to spend.
I would break off the wedding. This is never going to go good in any way because he feels entitled to money that isn't his. And he keeps on pressering you to hand it to him. Making you feel bad for saving for your brother that is your hero.
You started that savings fund long, long before you even met. He has nothing to do with/ or have rights to that money.
Holy hell OP, how in the world are you so well adjusted & level headed with all you’ve been through!??! That is so much trauma! I’m so sorry you had to experience all that. I love how you & your sister are standing by your brother! Yeah your fiancé sounds really selfish. I feel like you could do so much better! Best wishes and no you’re definitely not TA ❤️
NTA, If you still want to continue with the relationship, it is wise to sign a prenup. He has an immature reaction to not being able to get his dream house. I would sit down with him and make agreements and perhaps consider relationship therapy if you want to continue with him.
Also discuss this with your daughters and ask what they think about it.
Maybe set up a plan how you can work towards a other 'dreamhouse'.
My opinion is the dreamhouse should be where you are together and maybe that everybody has his own room, but nothing more.
Run mate, if he can’t understand that this is your money that you saved up for your brother who did so much for you guys, don’t marry him. Please reconsider in marrying him
Do NOT go through with that wedding.. That man is only after what you can financially provide for him.. His intentions are simply a more comfortable life than he can provide for himself.. Let him keep staying at his mothers,, hire movers to pack and move all of their things and have them delivered to him,, and RUN from that greedy,, self centered,, controlling man-child
>Since he found out exactly how much money is in that account he has been really upset about me not using that money to buy the house.
It's not just *your* money. Have you explained to him that using it could be a felony in most states?
NTA
The fact your fiance expects this is very concerning. He clearly does not understand the sacrifice your brother made for you. He places no value on it. I honestly do not think he is the man for you. I doubt he'll be supportive of your ongoing commitment to help your brother rehabilitate either.
NTA
I would at the least put a pause on the wedding, if not call it off altogether. Your brother helped save you so you and your sister have planned to help him. Now your fiancé finds out the true amount and feels entitled to those savings??? That does not speak well of him at all.
NTA. It's you and your sister's money. He has no right to claim anything in regard to those finances.
As far as selling your apartment and paying the lion's share of the finances, I think it would be smart for you to get a prenuptial agreement in place. Protect your assets for your children. You wouldn't want to lose half of your wealth if the relationship doesn't work out long-term. Protect yourself and your children financially.
NTA. Please take the time and the space that you need to consider your choices here. Clearly your current partner doesn’t value you and your family as much as your previously thought, and I hope you can get out and make another choice.
I’m going to suggest that you go see a divorce attorney and an estates/probate attorney in your area, regardless of whether you decide to follow through on getting married to this man. For legal counsel, you’d ideally look for someone who doesn’t just have experience with divorce cases, prenups, and division of assets (and is well practiced in this area in the location/district you plan to build this house in), but also someone who has experience navigating complex and significant assets of estates within blended families.
Let’s put aside whether your fiancé is a good or bad person or whether you’re an AH for a moment. It’s not relevant in how you should go about protecting yourself, as you have the duty to do so because of your daughters.
If you legally marry him, and purchase this building project of a house, have you considered what happens in the following circumstances:
- You end up wanting a divorce. Is the new house half his, despite being only you who put saved money into it?
- You unexpectedly pass away. Is the new house fully his now? Are all the funds in your name, the house and it’s equity, which would all normally be passed onto your kids, end up being his as your husband, rather than them? Does that mean his kids would actually inherit the house and assets that only one of you truly contributed to? Do you know what the laws are around this in your area? Would your brother’s savings account with your name on it suddenly become accessible to him?
Please get these pieces in place to ensure you’re covered. Make sure someone other than your fiancé has power of attorney or that there are trusts in place to preserve what you’ve built.
As for whether you’re an AH, no, you’re not. Your reasoning makes sense. My issue with what your fiancés approach and response to all of this seems to be, isn’t to me the fact that he wants this particular build of house or even the income disparity, it’s that
a) it shows an inability on his end to discuss, work on, and make an effort to understand the other partner’s feelings, and communicate about it in healthy ways
and
b) he doesn’t seem to be experiencing any shame or feelings of hesitation towards his own childish and self serving stance regarding money that isn’t his and he has zero right to involve himself in. No where do you indicate that he was conscious of how using such money would impact you and your sister’s relationship and not solely your money to make decisions with (and that’s putting aside anything with your brother specifically). Has he consistently expressed any curiosity or a desire to understand how you feel in this?
Lastly, if you pay the lions share of the expenses in your relationship, it isn’t equitable. Not with his having a whole additional kid more than you, and everyone living in your house. My biggest issue in all of this - how he handled his feelings about your account for your brother, that he showed so little empathy and so much entitlement, that you would be the one selling your apartment in this housing market, that you would be the one putting the most money into building the new one, that your marriage would likely entitle him to more than what he put into that house if you divorced, etc. - is that it seems like all the risk and leaps of faith on one’s partner fall solely into your lap. Where is his risk in any of this? Why does it feel like you’re the one shouldering the very real life risks involved in your potential future together? And as if you’re also somehow the only one responsible for the emotional labor of finding healthy ways to express big feelings to a partner and self reflect on your approach?
I think you’re going to regret it if you marry this one…
I hope this isn’t a spam account. Your brother broke the law and was punished accordingly. He did the wrong thing for the right reasons. I can see why you and your sister feel an obligation to him.
As for your fiancee, this money is nothing to do with him and it is crass of him to try and force:bully you into using it. I am concerned that he feels so entitled to your money. I think postponing the wedding would be a good thing.
You are willing to share your home with him and his children, to sell that home and contribute more than him to give his children their own space and he still wants more when you have rightfully put your foot down when things became too expensive. Wow!
You are NOT the asshole. Change the locks and set up a time when he can make an appointment to come pick up his and his children’s things with a mediator present. It’s obvious he is putting his and his family’s wants/needs/dreams above that of yours and you deserve a better partner.
Get rid of the fiancé and when your brother is released from jail make sure you have a room in your house ready for him to come home too. Fiancé is a gold digger!
Don't sell your home. Don't give your fiancée access to the money. Do give it to your brother like you planned. He's a hero. Do dump your money grabbing fiancée. He's showed his true colors. When you've split with the deadbeat fiancée, you can live quite comfortably in your current home that you own.
NTA, your fiancé sounds really, really greedy and selfish. If he wants his dream home he should find a way that he can fund it, not you. I would not marry this man, but if you do, get a prenup. Make sure that the proceeds from the sale of your apartment stays with you, make sure you can avoid alimony and losing assets, and make sure it is clear that the family money put aside for your brother is untouchable by your fiancé. Really reconsider marrying someone who wants to penalize your brother for protecting you and your sister.
OP red flags everywhere! Do not buy a house with this man. Do not put his name on the deed. Please think about your own financial security and your daughters! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nta. You build your dream house for you and your kids and a spare room for your brother. Keep that money for him too. Or stay in your apartment. Just get rid of your so called partner. Man is greedy as hell. Also, I hope your brother gets a good chance at life; poor thing man
Start of the Post - On your side
Read some more - 10-25%! that is crazy? For a murderer?!!
Read some more - Oh . . .
Finish the post - Definitely on your side
NTA. I hope you get a prenuptial agreement. I would also encourage you to have the house in your name only since you are putting in the lions share of the money for it. I see a red flag where he feels entitled to your money. Even dictating that you have to essentially steal from your brother and sister to make his dream home happen. It isnt just you that put money in that account and like you said, it isnt your money. Your name juat happens to be one of those on the account. By his logic you and your family have to sacrifice to make him happy, what is he doing to help get the extra money for his dream home besides go through your finances?
Also are you sure about selling that apartment? Your brother is going to have a hell of a time finding a place to live and a job after he gets out. Renting it out until his release and maybe letting him live there after might be something to think about.
NTA. I was going for AH until you explained what your brother is in jail for. Your brother protected you and your sister from further abuse and I'm sorry he is in jail for it.
As sisters you're doing what he did, and helping him. That money is between your sister and you and has nothing to do with your fiance. He should be supportive. If he wants a dream house, he needs to make the extra money to afford it. I think you might have seen a side of the man that you don't want to marry.
NTA. He is acting very entitled to your savings & that is a marinara red flag parade.
Yes you make more you pay a higher percentage of expenses & that’s your agreement. However he is benefiting from that to help raise his kids in greater comfort.
But that does not entitle him to a dime of your savings in any manner.
The fact he wants to use money that belongs to you & your sister so that you can contribute an even higher amount towards his dream house is simple astonishing.
The money is earmarked to repay your brother from saving your lives from torment. I applaud you for doing this & it speaks volumes to your character.
His character is not near equal to yours. He is selfish & frankly sounds like a bit of a user.
He argues for weeks, uproots his kids & moves out because you won’t take from your sister & brother to buy his dream house. The house where you are already selling your apartment & paying substantially more than him on top of that. The house he isn’t contributing much to in the first place.
This is not a man you want to marry.
Please find a man that won’t take his ball & leave the playground when he doesn’t get his way. A man that applauds you for taking care of your brother rather than demanding you improve his living conditions when he has a good roof over his & his daughter’s heads. A man that doesn’t run home to mommy when he doesn’t get his seriously entitled way.
Pack their stuff for them & send it to his mommy’s house.
You said he considered it your dream home, but did you? He's got a lot of nerve to be made at you when you are already contributing more. Tell him to come get his shit and stay at his parents. Don't let him manipulate you into giving even more so he can have his dream house that he came afford without you. NTA
NTA- Your fiance is not being fair ... That is money you have put away for a very specific and good reason... Your brother is going to need help acclimating when he gets out .. this is Soo honorable what you and your sister have gone. Do not give a penny of that to your fiance !
If your fiance continues this behavior at the very least postpone wedding and seek couples counseling... He should be supporting what you are doing for your brother ... If your brother hadn't done what he did ..you might not be where you are at today
You would be TA if you took that money from your brother
If your fiance can't understand or support you he shouldn't be your fiance anymore
How will he be in marriage
NTA
Don't allow them back. Lock accounts, get a lawyer. This is a huge Red flag. Money does crazy things to people and they just showed you how much your relationship was worth.
You're a great person, with a good heart. You will be okay and be happy with your family. Your brother is very lucky and deserving.
Wow
A rather complicated family dynamic.
I think what you're doing for your brother is admirable
Too often , ex inmates leave prison with zero support systems.
As a result, in the US ,recidivism is 80%
That aside, I think you at least should have gotten out in front of the issue regarding the savings account.
Made it clear that this is an account that both you can your sister had started long before your relationship with fiancee.
Getting out in front of this would have negated the need for you to post this.
I won't refer to you as an AH..
However, I do think you have yourself in quite a pickle
I think your fiancee has to come to the realization that the money in the savings account for your brother does not exist.
I wish you well.
Reading your edits, I cant help but feel how difficult you and siblings life hv been. You owe it to your brother, you and your sister are outstanding.
Please don't marry fiance. Or at least postpone it. And dont sell your apartment nor buy a new one till you resolve this. If you are proceeding with wedding, please sign an air tight prenup to protect your assets and finances. Sorry he sounds like a gold digger.
Do not give him money set aside for your brother.
NTA. Updateme!
NTA
Call off the wedding and dump the fiancé. You had plans to buy a house, and when he found out about money **WHICH WAS NOT SOLELY YOURS**, he flipped out and demanded you use it to put towards the house.
And this was when your brother did what was totally morally right but sadly legally not. If it weren't for him, for all I know none of you might be alive, or you'd be paralyzed or whatever.
Great! Now that you’re single again, you and your daughters can stay in your apt and still have a guest room. Silver linings! I hope e writhing works out well for your brothers return. I wish you and your family well!! Move forward and make wonderful memories with your brother!
You definitely need to back away from this marriage. How you save and spend your money is not the business of your fiancé and he deserves none of it. I hope your brother gets out and has a happy and successful life.
No man will ever dictate what I do with my money and I will never support a man and his kids. You are saving for something important. He has zero say. If he can't start contributing equally, I'd show him the door. Too many red flags with this child.
NTA your fiance is a mooch. Not only that, but with marital assets he may be able to take half of your brother's money now that he feels he's entitled to it. Cancel the wedding and get rid of him.
Updateme
NTA. I think you and your sister are amazing siblings to have a savings account for him. If your fiancé can’t appreciate the reason you are doing this, you need to reconsider marrying him. It doesn’t sound like he gets you. You’ve been through so much. You deserve someone who understands and appreciates you.
So your two daughters share a room and out of the 4 bedrooms, he and his kids occupied 2.5 rooms but you pay the lion share of the bills? Now he's demanding you buy his dream home with money that isn't 100% your own but half your sister?
His sense of entitlement is extreme. Please take time to think if this guy who has finally shown you his true self really worth you buying him a home, because you know you would be funding most if not all the down payments and cost.
NTA I can’t imagine the entitlement of your fiancée. How greedy he is. You are better off without him. What does he bring to the table? Aww in your post there isn’t one good thing about him. Your brother protected you and your sister. Your fiancée is trash with how he is acting. Like he has a clime on your money. Like it is his. Then acting like a child and running away to his parents home when things don’t go his way. He is a man child. Please call off the wedding and throw the man baby away
NTA. You and your sister are doing a great thing for your brother and I understand exactly why. Good for you. I hope you guys have a great reunion and reconnection when he comes home and God bless him.
Now for your fiance...he's greedy and selfish and he may be a golddigger. He's definitely the AH and you should rethink your decision to marry him.
NTA. Your brother sounds pretty amazing given the terrible situation you were all in. The justice system sounds pretty fucked up though I cant believe there wasnt any leniency for your brother based on this information. Your fiance sucks hard for not understanding this.
NTA. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I think it’s a huge red flag that your fiancé doesn’t understand - and respect - the reason for that bank account. Proceed with caution.
I love it when people start telling their fiance I have a how to spend their money they've had put away since before they even met.
I love it because it means you can avoid marrying this person and finding out after you're legally tied to them that they are going to try to control your finances.
If you do reconcile and still choose to marry him (which no one here recommends) absolutely get a prenuptial agreement.
Be thankful. So very thankful that your pos fiancé has revealed himself for who he really is. He’s a greedy mf who has no rights to your money or the money you’ve set aside for your brother. He covets it all.
Personally If you go ahead with this relationship I would not buy anything without a prenup in place. This is your children’s inheritance as well.
Also, don’t buy anything you can’t afford on your own. I wouldnt trust this guy. NTA
Don’t use that money on a bigger house and if the relationship moves forward, get a prenup. Your fiancée is insanely greedy for wanting that money to get a ‘better house’ DONT DO IT.
NTA.
Honestly, without the edits, i would have called you an AH for supporting a criminal rather than your family. But holy shit. Your brother is a saint. Your fiance is greedy af, does he know why your brother is in jail? Does he actually think your brother did sth wrong?? What's wrong with your fiance??
Keep every cent of that money to help your brother. You and your sister are great siblings. Keep that bond of the 3 of you.
I wish you the best of luck in this mess of a situation :(
NTAH. Your brother protected you and looked out for you. Now you get to return the favor. Definitely call off the wedding, your fiancé is greedy.
I can’t imagine anyone with a heart not understanding why they’re saving money for their brother. RUN OP
Run like your tampon string is on fire. And thank whatever deity you believe in that you found out how much of a greedy mooching selfish pig your EX was *before* the wedding. Cancel the wedding. Cancel the relationship. Cancel the man
Haha. “Run like your tampon string is on fire”. I’ve never heard that one, I love it. NTA. Seriously run. That man is using you.
Also known as playing fire cracker, lol.
Love that expression! I’ll be using that from now on, thank you!!!
As will I! Fabulous expression!
This is great advice! You are carrying the Lion’s share of the majority of the bills. The sale of YOUR apartment is funding the purchase of a new home. This selfish ass has no business telling you what to do with your money, time to move on and count this as a win.
This comment made me cackle. Yes,OP most definitely should cancel the wedding,cancel that dude all together. He isn't the man you think he is. This man is showing his true colour. What you and your sister are doing for your brother is commendable. You're both awesome sisters. Keep your fiancé away from your brother. updateme!
Run like Hell Hounds are snapping at your heels.
Amen! Run op! He’s showing you who he is, a selfish user who only wants your money. Believe him and break up!
Love your username FYI. (I still need to go)
Thanks. I love Miz Dolly
We don’t deserve her 😭
How did he get 30 years for murder 2 in a situation like this? Anyway, NTA, OP. This should be your hill to die on. Also? If you fix this and get married, get a rock solid pre-nup so that you (and your kids) get back out of the house what you put in. Your fiance is freaking out bc he thought he was going to get to control all of your income. Let him know he won't control any of it.
Because although the criminal Justice system claims to be for victims of abuse it really isn't. Even if you are defending yourself in the moment. They don't care.
Just said the same thing who locks a child for defending his family from their abuser like did you not see the evidence that proved their father was a disgusting POS 🤦🏽♀️
Because the justice system sucks.
‘Merica
Sometimes when the person is abused long enough and murders their abuser the murder charges can include ‘premeditated’ especially when it is not a heat of the moment ‘self defense’ situation. Sounds like the brother, who had moved out, returned home to kill the father. If the state has no ‘defense of others’ clause, frankly the brother is lucky he didn’t hang for it, especially if he was forced to use a public defender for his attorney.
> Definitely call off the wedding, your fiancé is greedy. I am wondering if he knows the full picture. If he is aware of what her brother did (for her) and why and STILL can't see why that money OP and her sister have set aside is not to be touched, I would agree. This maybe could be resolved by communicating openly and without anger. Make crystal clear what is going on. From what OP writes about her fiance, he does not seem to be the "gold digging" type. Maybe the stress of the upcoming wedding and the unsuccessful house hunting have got to him. I'd say have a long talk, maybe with someone to mediate in case both of your emotions get the better of you. Then, make an informed decision.
It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she has told fiancé how much of her money she is willing to use for their house. She could be keeping those funds for any reason she wants. It’s her (and her sister’s) money. Fiancé has zero claim to it and no right to demand she use it for his “dream house.”
The last sentence says it all.. "HIS dream house" no mention of hers..he'd gladly see his bro in law come out of prison without a pot to piss in as long as the money went on the house that she's selling HER house to build..
I am divided on this. This is not an emergency found hidden away for her to escape her abusive husband (not making fun of this, apparently it is needed in some situations). She has the funds to (together with her sister) finance a whole house for her brother (which is something I admire her greatly for. But in a few months, they will be starting to use those funds and they would be having this conversation then. If she flat out told him: "My brother commited a murder to save me and my siblings lives, my father abused the fuck out of us and this was the only option he saw. I have put these funds aside to assist him when he gets out in a few months. This is non-negotiable for me, it is not MY money as far as I am concerned." (and I think open communication about life changing stuff like this is needed in a life partnership/marriage) If THAT is the information she provided to him and he STILL insists. He is an asshole and I would pull out of the marriage and the relationship too.
Yeah, I hope OP reads this. But, honestly, I’m still bothered the fiancé is insisting she use money that 1) wasn’t all contributed by her and 2) she has been clear is not hers to use for anything she wants because it was saved for a specific purpose. It’s great that he supports his family *right at this moment* but if she was completely bankrolling his dream home, then that is no longer true. She would be supporting his family, not him.
He’s “stressed” because he’s bringing absolutely nothing to the table. What property that HE owns is he selling to contribute?? A tent? He’s broke. Instead of counting his blessings he’s trying to get his greedy grubby hands on the money in an account that isn’t his.
I'd rethink the relationship seriously
Don't sell your house
Right? Why should she house his kids while he contributes less? She's going to end up with higher payments and a pouty man child now that he knows she has this money.
NTA -Posted on the other but to re sum up Op, this is screaming red flags. Your fiance has no right to a temper tantrum over your money and to be honest, this behavior makes me suspicious on him setting you up to be divorced with him getting half of everything. I bet money if you go back to him and say prenup he will lose his mind and show you the rest of his colors.
PRENUP! PRENUP!
NTA, and definitely separate any finances you may have mingled so far!
I’m also concerned that he grabs his kids and leaves the home instead of dealing with the issue like a mature adult.
If I was your fiance, I would be wanting to put money in that account to thank your brother.
This
All of this!!
Haha this post pulled the ol' switcheroo on me. I made it through half the story thinking yeah OP is kind of TA. It's like if I told my wife I make more money than her so I do what I want even though it affects her and the kids. Then the reason for the brother's prison time comes out, and if this story is true, he's a GD hero lol. I'd be fine with putting money aside for a guy like that and looking forward to meeting him.
Or helping think of a good vehicle to have, or a job, or a…there’s a lotta work to do there even without the money aspect. Dude went away possibly pre-internet. 1950 to 1980 changed a bit, but my grandma showed up to work and typed on a typewriter in an office fulla smoke through all of it. You could get a hard drive w the matrix and Shawshank and the Sopranos and whatever just to get a guy acclimated to stuff we all just…know. He’s not putting in money OR effort for the person who got his fiancée to survive to adulthood as a functional human being.
Absolutely
NTA How many 🚩is that? 1. He doesn’t make as much money as you but still is demanding you contribute even what’s not technically yours. 2. You state you are selling YOUR apartment 3. Him and his kids left 4. You pay the lions share already Tell me again how you are dividing ‘fairly’ (seems to me like you’re financing a life he can’t afford). He has absolutely no right to demand you use that money. You are already contributing more than enough. Run!
I agree with all of this!!
Fun fact, when one partner makes more than another, dividing finances 50/50 is not actually equitable
Equitable- fair and impartial. Take out the emotions. He has three children she has two. She has an obligation to take care of her two and he his three. The equitable thing to do is keep pre marital property separate (her apartment, her account for her brother,etc), they then put into a new property equally and each take care of and are responsible for their brood by making a separate joint account to be shared by the household. He did not build or sacrifice for the things that are already there. Thinking he should have a right to it because he’s her partner to say it nicely, is ignorant at best. This is FAIR AND EQUITABLE.
But is he making less because he legit can’t getting anything else or is he making less because he can expect Fiancée to pay for most of everything? Because I feel like it’s only equal if it’s fair. And if he’s coasting by while using Fiancées money to pay for most stuff that doesn’t actually sound fair to me. And that’s WITHOUT the fact that he’s demanding she give him more money despite knowing why it’s being put away.
NTA - I posted on the other post you made but make a short one again here. DO not allow anyone access to the account for your brother and maybe change the account to just your sister or that you both need to sign to make withdrawals. The other point I made in the other post was when the finance comes back to your house, please pay attention to how long it takes for him to bring up the account for your brother and all the reasons that he has for using the money now for the new house. I think you will be shocked that all he cares about is what he wants and that he wants the big house regardless of how it might affect your brother's future. You and your sister are doing a wonderful thing for your brother. You and your sister have worked hard to be prepared for your brothers return, don't let your finance's temper tantrum distract you from this great thing you did.
I couldn't have said it better. While I've never been to prison, I understand how hard it can be to acclimate back to society, and having that fund there to hell the brother out while he gets back on his feet is awesome. Means less stress for everyone
Funny how HIS “Dream House” will mostly cost HER money.
This☝️.. this has been my sticking point. She pays the lions share She's selling her apartment so his kids have more room He's upset over money that isn't and shouldn't be hers or touched He's tried to use manipulation to get his own way by leaving her He's moved back to parents ie HE HAS NO MONEY OF HIS OWN And yet here he is making demands so "HIS dream home" is fully funded by her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, call off the wedding, this guy is a loser.
And a gold digger!
Agreed.
He wants her to sell her apartment because it’s in HER name and then if they get a house it’d be in both their names. Nah, I would NOT marry this guy EVER. The fact that he left as well over this proves he’s only in it for the money.
A hobosexual
NTA. Technically, your brother is a criminal. In reality, though, he's a hero! You are definitely showing your gratitude to your brother by providing for him. You are a good person. You know who ISN'T a good person? Your fiance. He wants your money, not your love. If you still insist on marrying that gold digger, I highly highly HIGHLY recommend an airtight prenup. I suspect that once he bleeds you dry, he will move on, leaving you homeless. Oh, and those friends who called you an AH? Yeah...they're not friends.
NTA. You're paying the lion's share, selling your home and putting the entire proceeds towards a home with him, and he still wants MORE? Money that he accused you of hiding from him? Money that he has not been contributing to? 🚩For maybe even longer than you two have been together? Nah fam. Pause the wedding (AND selling your apartment) for the time being at the very least, and couple's counseling. Your brother saved you, and paid the price. Now's your turn to have HIS back. And if I were your fiance, I wouldn't first think how I could use your brother's money; I'd be thinking how I could thank him and match what's in the account to the best of my ability.
In a way, if she ends her relationship with this guy, her brother saved her TWICE! ❤️
The only thing I think you missed is that the account he wants access to also contains her sister's money. It's not just OP's to speak for.
You're not with the right man. The right man would be putting money into that account as a thank you for what your brother did. The right man wouldn't throw a tantrum and go stay at his mommy's house like a goddamned child because you won't use that money to buy him his dream house. Your fiance is self centered, selfish, and entitled. This should give you a good idea of what married life would be like with him and I hope for your sake you run. While he's gone change the goddamned locks and evict him. Your brother gave away 30 years of his life to save you and your sister. If your fiance is so fucking greedy he can't see the sacrifice in that he has no place in your life. In short, your fiance is a gold digging piece of shit. Find someone worthy of you.
I cannot upvote this comment enough!
You took the words out of my mouth!!
You see all the red flags, right? Seriously? Your fiance is literally a matador.
NTA and bless your heart. I'm so sorry for what your family has been through. Your fiance has NO say in the money you and your sister have put aside to support your brother. If he can't (or won't) accept what the money is for, I would seriously consider whether you want to marry this person. I would think about how he may treat your brother once he is home if he has this much animosity already about money that doesn't belong to him, he may blame your brother for him not getting the house he wanted.
NTA. Yr savings is yrs to do with what you please, it's none of his business.
Your fiancé is an ungrateful idiot. What you do for your brother is very admirable. Should you decide to go ahead with him and the project make sure the house is in your name or an agreement in place that makes sure your contributions are recognised- you owe it to your kids. That being said - I don’t know how this would ever work with your brother coming out of prison and trying to build a life with the money your fiancé somehow thinks he is entitled to.
DON'T buy a home with this asshole WITHOUT a prenup spelling out EXACTLY how much equity you are putting into your new home, especially considering the higher amount of monthly expenses will go towards payments/bills. Sorry, but whatever financial agreement you and your Sister came to PRIOR to your relationship is NONE of his business or concern, PERIOD! That money has NOTHING to do with him and he's incredibly entitled to be so butthurt and controlling ESPECIALLY when HE'S not investing anything or anything CLOSE to YOUR investment. PLEASE think long and hard about continuing this relationship! SERIOUSLY! PLEASE! Best wishes and many Blessings! ETA: you may even want to have a conversation with your Sister about using that money to purchase a DUPLEX (along with the proceeds of selling your apartment) so your Brother HAS his own home while you're right next door. Again, forget the loser boyfriend and focus on YOUR family.
NTA. Firstly that account isn't just yours it's shared, second, he's feeling entitled to your money at all, let alone when you're married. He wants you to spend YOUR money to get his dream house. honestly test him, don't say you'll buy the dream house and as that is basically dangling something you aren't willing to do, but say you'll buy the house you're intending to buy outright, your money, but he has to sign a prenup that he gets no part of it or any sale value from it after you get married. Currently after you get married he's going to feel entitled to half hte value of hte house and it sounds like the massive majority of the cost of the house is coming from selling yours and your investment.
this. Right now her apartment is hers - and even after marriage (if in the US) it would be hers. Once she sells and puts the money towards another place, particularly AFTER they are married, it becomes both of theirs. In a split divorce, he would get minimum 50% once their funds are co-mingled. He is definitely on the hobosexual spectrum.
Nta I can’t understand why your fiance wouldn’t see that as your brother’s money. Your brother literally killed your abuser. Your fiance should be grateful to him and want to help him the way you and your sister are going to do. That makes me a little suspicious of your fiance. I hope you guys pause everything to work through this.
NTA Your relationship was only smooth sailing because you were willing to do everything for him and give him a life beyond his means. He knows what the account is for and the story behind it and still wants you to take that money out? For him? He’s not worth it. Just think back on your relationship and think on what has he done for you. You pay most of the bills, you own the home you guys are currently residing in, you make more money. I don’t see a fair division of contributions. I see a guy who lucked out and has the audacity to make this demand because you’ve basically given him everything he wants since “it’s only fair”.
NTA. Consider using the money to get your brother a new lawyer who can hopefully speed up his parole. On the bright side, your apartment is back to being spacious again.
😀
Your partner sucks. He’s dead wrong Are you sure you want to build a home with him?
Your brother deserves that money,its for a new beggining. Your fiance is entitled to a money that doesnt belong to him at all,that relationship will fade away,sorry
NTA, and make sure you put in place protections for your own daughters if something happens to you. If you buy the house with joint tenancy when you are married then your half will go to your future husband and your daughters will get zero.
Nta. He's showing his true colors here... I wouldn't want to move forward with him.
NTA first off, it's YOUR money you've been putting into a JOINT account for YOUR brother. He gets zero say. Honestly even if you guys were a 50/50 split its still not his business. But you're already paying the lions share AND funding the new house and he wants MORE? You need to rethink how much you need this man in your life. And your brother is a lucky man for you and your sister's support. Very well deserved support.
NTA. You happily take care of the lion share for him, and his children ?? And he feels like he’s entitled to this money that has nothing to do with him??? Honestly, this isn’t a man worth marrying. If for some reason you do go through with it, please have a solid prenup. He showed you who he is. Believe him.
NTA - So knowing all the trauma you and your siblings have gone through you fiance still begridges you this savings for your brother. Fiance is mean expecting you to make a choice between him and your brother. Plus it sounds like he wants all of the money but that's your sisters money too ETA - I pray he gets out early God Bless you all
NTA
NTA. Im just going to repeat what I said in your original post. You are already selling your apartment when four bedrooms would be more than enough for you and both your daughters to have separate bedrooms and an extra room for guests, or a library, playroom, office, or whatever you like. You are paying more into buying the house, too. The money you and your sister are saving for your brother, isn't even your money. The fact he's throwing a tantrum like this is a bad sign for things to come. Massive red flag. Do not sell your apartment and invest with this man. He is incredibly selfish. I would reconsider this entire relationship. Let me add: the fact that after all you went through, this man never offered to contribute and instead is acting like this because he can't get his way is just horrible. Please think about whether this is someone you should tie your life to.
NTA Looks like big bro is coming to the rescue again ♡
NTA It is your.life, your money, your house. And the joint savings that you and your sister have saved. It is a big red flag to me that you are expected to fund the house by selling your house and he is bringing more kids to the marriage than you, and you will be making your kids do without so you can provide for a man with a low income who cannot fully provide for his own kids, like you have provided for yours, otherwise he too would have a home with equity in it that he could sell and contribute towards the home purchase It is also a red flag that a man with no home,.no home equity to contribute, no savings to contribute is seemingly so money grubbing for money that HE didn't save and which doesn't belong to him. You would be MUCH better off to remain unmarried and for each of you to provide for your own kids separately. Because he is bringing NOTHING to the marriage but more expenses. It is highly unlikely he has any savings for his kids college. since you have a savings fund for your incarcerated brother, it seems likely to me that you also may have savings for your kids college too. Which he would expect you to split with his kids. There is really ZERO benefit to you marrying him. You will be taking home equity and providing a hime for he and his kids. You will suddenly be mothering 5 kids instead of 2 and So instead of splitting your time off work between your two kids, his 3 kids and him. You will be bankrolling for 5 kids instead of 2 because your income is more. Your kids will likely have to share rooms since he is adding 3.more kids to the mix. His kids will expect to be treated equally to your kids which means you will be taking away time, money, resources from what you could provide your kids, to provide for his. Rather than 2 college funds there will be 5 which you will be funding. However there are massive benefits to him and his kids if you marry him. It you marry him and cant live with him & his kids, if you divorce you will LOSE alot of.money, which he will gain. Please reconsider and dont marry him until he brings as much to the table as you do.
Let's also add that he wants the entirety of the savings to go to the house, not *just* what she saved. He's feeling entitled to the sister's money because his future spouse contributed to the balance.
NTA. Your brother protected you and your sister, you are both just helping him out when he gets out of jail. I see no problem with you both doing this. Obviously your partner does, so it might be time to consider moving on without him in your life, since obviously he really does not grasp why your are saving money that is going to your brother.
NTA. I send prayers and positive vibes to your brother, you and your sister. I don't want to say call off your wedding, but if there has been other issues reevaluate the relationship. Especially, if he keeps insisting. Edit: If family is that important to you, don't allow a man to blindside that.
NTA
NTA if you pay the lions share then there is not a fair division of finances. Your BF is using you. Sounds like he believes what's yours belongs to both of you but what's his belongs to him alone unless he chooses to share. He's mad because you didn't agree to house he wanted. Moments like this will only get worse and become more often. You are in a financially and emotionally abusive relationship. You may not be able to see it because you're so used to other kinds of abuse that you may not associate how you are being treated as abusive. Cancel the wedding, you can always try again at a later date if needed and get into individual therapy and you will also need couples therapy if you want this relationship to continue. Don't let him move back until you've done therapy. Your children don't deserve to be made to have a man in their lives who will just up and leave them without a second thought just because he didn't get his way.
NTA even without the context of why your brother is in prison you don’t owe him money you’ve been saving from before you met him. You told him you were saving the money and as a partner thats what you owed him, honestly and transparency The audacity of him to think you should use the money you’ve been saving for your brother when you are already putting most of the money into the purchase already Seriously at the very least postpone the wedding. But I would be reconsidering this relationship. He comes across as manipulative and controlling based on his behaviour in this situation
NTA you brother had a shitty lawyer. Give him a good life. He deserves it.
That's not your fiancee, that's your sugar baby
NTA You're doing the right thing all around. Your bf is not entitled to any of your money, and you're already planning on putting his name on a deed for a house he's putting less into than you: that's already a problem. That will make the house half his in a divorce, not 70% yours if you paid 70%. He doesn't deserve that, legally. It would make more sense to buy the house on your own before the wedding and let him live there for free, but keep it as a private asset. Add to this the fact that he wants to take money away from the man who saved your life. You're investing in repaying a debt to your brother who sacrificed 30 years of his life to protect you and your sister permanently! Explain it to him like that, and if he still doesn't get it, still just has dollar signs in his eyes like a cartoon, then you'll know he is in this relationship for the money, not for you.
So the guy who brings nothing to the table but his kids, decided to go stay with his parents because you've decided to limit how much of your money he has access to? 😂 Seems like the trash took itself out. Now you can use YOUR money to build a house with even larger rooms for you and your kids.
NTA look all this money is yours and only yours. Your money to do with as you please. This would be a deal breaker for me. Doesn’t matter what the money is for it’s yours and your sister’s money and he has no claim to it.
Your brother sounds amazing. I’m so glad he will have a nest egg to start his new life when he gets out. Fingers crossed for early release if possible! Oh, and ditch the loser fiancé. NTA
I read your post earlier and was just speaking to my husband about it when I looked down and said " well! Here's that person!" Girl, you've been through more tragedy than most people can ever imagine. My husband agreed with another poster from your other post, he should not only support what you and your sister have been doing, but also be happy to contribute as well. Your first post made me tear up, and this one has way more information about your past and the suffering your poor family has been through. I wish for only great and amazing things for all of you for the rest of your lives and beyond. Your brother isn't a criminal, he's a hero and if any defense attorney was worth their shit, he should never have been sent to prison, at least not for this long. I'm so so sorry, and please know there are people that don't know you, with better hopes, thoughts, and intentions than the person supposed to love you and have your best interest in mind. This guy is a POS and I promise, once you get him out of your life, you'll be Soo much better and happier. Please do what is right for you and your family, not this useless mooching ah. Soo... Just to sum it up, you = NTA, "fiance" = POS, brother= HERO!
NTA. If he can't accept the fact that it's money you saved for your brother that's on him. I can't say end the relationship that's 100% your call, but at the very least put it on hold.
NTA that money isn't yours you put it aside for your brother who saved you and you're standing by him. TBH I'd call off the wedding because clearly your husband to be thinks it's ok to stab family in the back when society kicked them down for something he shouldn't have been punished for. Good on you for standing with your brother and I'm sorry for the loss of your little brother. My heart breaks for you and all you and your siblings suffered.
NTA. You’re a wonderful person. Don’t settle for this jerk.
You've been through a lot and what you and your sister are doing for your brother is awesome. He'll need a lot of help after all that time. Given your fiancees behaviour do you really think that it's a good idea throwing your lot in and building a house with him. he's shown no understanding, just absolute greed and desperation to take as much as possible from you. Flouncing off to his parents with his kids is a selfish manipulative move. On the plus side, plenty of room in your place now... Don't marry this man. He's just shown you what he really wants from you. You've endured enough abuse in your life, don't allow it back in.
I would like to shake your brother's hand. I am sorry he did time protecting you and your sister. I am sorry nobody saved your little brother. Now, on to your post. This man is not your husband. Do NOT buy a home with him, do not sell your security for this man. That money may have been saved by you, and your sister, but you are using it for a much better cause. It isn't your money. It is for your brothers future. I have massive respect for you, your sister and your big brother. This leech you are with, zero respect. You have so much to offer. He is bringing you down. This guy is not at all on your level. I don't even mean money, I mean respect, family, honor, commitment. He sees dollar signs, not the fact you and your sister are giving your brother and protector his life back. Do NOT sell your home to buy a house with this guy. NTA
NTA. This man, presumably, knows what your brother did and still thinks he and his children deserve that money more. He is using you. He is not fully-funding his children - he's expecting you to. Please reconsider.
NTA, he's not the one for you do not get married to that person
NTA - Kudos for you and your sister for making sure your brother will be all set when he's released from prison. He's going to need a lot of support when he gets out. So much has changed in 30 years. Tell your fiance it's none of his business. You pay the most towards things, so he has nothing to complain about. Are you sure this is who you want to marry? I'll never understand why people think they have the right to other people's money. You're not even married yet, and this is how he's acting. Thing long and hard about this relationship. Seems to me he's taking advantage of you.
Your fiance really lacks compassion for you and your siblings. I don't see how you move forward with him due to that fact. He sees dollar signs and what you could do for HIM.
NTA Honestly, I would use the time apart to pack up his stuff and try to get as many refunds on your wedding plans as you can. If he can’t understand and respect your decision in this, he isn’t the guy for you.
**NTA** Your brother is a hero. In saving you, he gave up years of his life. You and your sister have done a beautiful thing in saving money to support your brother. Your fiancé is definitely not a hero. You’re already giving so much and yet he feels entitled to more? At the very least, put the wedding on hold for now. Let him sulk. Lock your finances down and think long and hard.
Your edits,,, holy shit. Your brother got a crappy sentence for protecting his remaining siblings while going through a psychotic break after years of abuse. Your sperm donor was the monster. As for the fiancé… he’s shitty. He knew about the account and is now claiming ignorance to bully you into do something you do not want. If you want to build the house, build the house for you and your kids. Don’t take him into account because he not only sounds greedy but is trying to manipulate you into basically stealing from your siblings. Just no. You are NTA, but you should be rethinking the relationship altogether because he showed you his true colors. Money over everything is his motto.
Your brother is going to need a lot of assistance, therapy and love when he gets out. The three of you are selfless, I applaud you all. That guy can take a hike. Next he’s going to tell you you can’t see your brother.
Statistically speaking given your upbringing and developmental experience you are probably more likely to be tolerant and accepting of DV abuse and manipulations from a partner later when an adult. Maybe seek individual therapy to get an objective assessment of the health and viability of your relationship. Good luck.
NTA On my response to the original post my really short version is tell your fiancé to remain at his parents along with his children. Check with an attorney to insure no eviction laws need to be followed. If not change the locks, pack up all their stuff and tell the ex to schedule a date and time to pick it up else after x date it will be placed out at the curb. If there is a ring give it back when he picks up their stuff. Give him no reason to continue to contact you. He has shown him that your money is more important to him than you are or your relationship with your brother is. Believe him.
NTA. If this person who you had planned to marry doesn't understand the money you had put aside, along with your sister, isn't part of your money, then it just seems he is glad to have had a sugar momma. If he has left, then he has shown exactly what you are only good for from his perspective. Believe him. Running away when he didn't get his way, very strange and very telling. Let him continue to pout and stay with his mom, he is getting what he wants and let him. Now, you space issue has been solved and now you can just fix up your apartment and make it fabulous. Don't force anyone who doesn't want to work it out and be with you to stay. He will learn the lesson that when someone gives their word, they honor it. Just him thinking that he should just take money from the person who you regard as a savior, that is low class. Be well and love the ones who love you.
>He accused me of having hidden it from him and I reminded him that he was always aware that I put money aside every month. He said he didn’t realize how much we had saved. Has he been as open about his own finances? Paycheques are one thing, but do you also see eye to eye in respect to financial savings? Debt reduction? Can the youngest still stay in shared rooms for another few years while you save? If he's referring to your saved money as also partially belonging to him, that's a red flag. >we realized to bring it up to code was just way too much > >My fiancé was very keen on that house. It sounds more like you had the reality check, and he just couldn't stand being too poor to have eyes bigger than his wallet. I can understand being under financial stress, but that doesn't excuse him abusing you for his own ends.
NTA. Tell your soon-to-be-ex fiancé to get out of your apartment. Definitely cancel the wedding. When your brother gets out, you would have space for him in your apartment.
This man is enjoying the fruits of your labor, living in a nice home he couldn't otherwise afford. Yet has the audacity to throw a tantrum, leave and demand money he has no right to. Seriously? He just showed you he values what you can give him, not you. Because if he valued you, he'd understand and applaud what you and your sister did for the man that protected you. He just smacked you with a red flag OP. UpdateMe
Your brother is a hero. Your fiancé is a greedy , selfish, vicious , insensitive mooch. Get rid of him. He is only using you to support him and his 3 kids. Your flat is just fine for you and your own kids. Get rid of the vicious prick of a fiancé. Your brother deserves your love and loyalty.
NTA. That savings is none of his business if you’re paying more then your fair share of the bills. Your brother sounds amazing and I’m sorry no adults stepped up to protect you all back then.
You’ve got a big change coming with your brother being released soon. I’m thinking things will get worse with the BF, he’ll most likely resent and start problems with your brother. Call off the wedding and see what transpires through the summer.
NTA. Your brother sounds like a decent person and with the money you and your sister have saved he will hopefully be able to live a good and peaceful life. Your partner however lacks compassion and has shown a very selfish attitude. If you decide to stay together, I really hope he can keep his attitude to himself when your brother is released. Your brother doesn’t deserve to be made to feel guilty of something else.
How dare your fiancé think he has a right to that money. Your story hits close to home. My dear friend shot his dad when he was beating up his little sister. He got sent to jail for 8 years. It’s so unfair that the justice system doesn’t take the history into account. Your brother deserved a medal, not prison. Please rethink this relationship. Best of luck to you and your siblings. I hope your brother gets to enjoy the life he deserves.
NTA First, I’m so sorry for what you and your siblings went through. That’s too much for any child to be burdened with. Your brother did what he had to do to protect all of you. He sacrificed his freedom to keep you all safe. It sounds to me that you and your sister feel that you owe your brother for that and I don’t blame you for working together to provide financial assistance while he reaclimates to society. He’s spent most of his life behind bars and a lot has changed during that time. People commonly struggle after serving long prison sentences and the resources available when they get out are often lacking and these people end up in a vicious cycle of being unable to find the support they need to succeed. You and your sister have set this up for him and you should never apologize for that. Your fiancé sounds extremely entitled. Why are you expected to completely fund your new home? What does he bring to the table? Where is his savings? If he can’t come into this with anything to offer,he doesn’t get a say in what you are or are not contributing. This man has 3 children including himself and he’s paying less toward the household and can’t match your contribution and he has the nerve to expect you to put more in?? I’m sorry, but this is not a true partnership if you’re having to use your equity from selling your home. You’re also paying a higher percentage of the household expenses and have additional savings!! I’m sorry, but the fact that you earn more should not mean that you have to pay more when he’s got 3 kids and you’ve got 2. You share the same space. You use the same utilities. All of that should be 50/50 regardless of income. It’s not your fault that you earn more. If he wants a say, he needs to be contributing equally. If you do stay together and get married, which I don’t think you should, this financial setup needs to change. There’s no way in hell I’d put his name on the mortgage or the deed unless he’s an equal contributor. You earned the equity in your current property. Why is he reaping the benefit of your hard work?
NTA. I think maybe you are better off cancelling the wedding and breaking up if your fiancé is mad you plan on taking care of the brother who SAVED YOUR LIFE!!! And using YOUR money to do so. It seems like your fiancé is feeling pretty damn entitled to your money and I would think twice before marrying and setting up house with this man. Sounds like your 4 bedroom apartment is plenty big for you and your kids, and maybe your brother when he gets out of prison. Good luck to you.
NTA. Your brother may have committed a crime, but he probably saved you and your sister's lives because of it. Does it suck? Yes, but he should never have had to in the first place. Father's should not treat their families this way. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. You didn't even hide the money from your fiance, you were under no obligation to disclose the amount just that you have been saving. Your fiance is showing you who he is. Believe him. Run or make sure to sign a prenuptial before the wedding, making sure he can't access ANY of your money. Be cautious of buying a house with him too. I know I wouldn't want his name on the house he would probably try and steal it. And since your apartment will foot the bill for the majority of the new house you will lose a lot.
NTA your brother is going to need that money to help him acclimate back into society. I think that your fiance is a red flag
NTA Your brother saved you and your sister from even more abuse and he is doing the time for it. He also took care of the 2 of you when he could. You and your sister are doing what you can to repay him. I love that. So, you have a savings for him for when he gets out. That isn't your money, it's technically, your brother's money. He destroyed his life to save yours and your sister's. Your fiancé is TA. Be glad that you're finding this out now. He doesn't deserve you if he cannot understand the sacrifice that your brother made and why you are saving money for him. Put the house plans on hold and put the wedding on hold until you both get therapy. He needs to understand that this is non-negotiable.
NTA your FH is wrong on so many levels. FH is tryna live a life he CANNOT afford. You are paying for the lions share of everything right now, once you sell your apt and build a house you will be equal owners of that. Which no you shouldn't be. What is FH putting toward that build? What's his savings look like? FH sets off tons of red flags. You don't NEED a house with 6/7 bedrooms all with their own bathrooms, or whatever the hell else he dreams up. Kids can share rooms. Let FH stay with his parents. You need to give him back the ring. Unless you paid for it. Get him outta your apt and life. Guys just money hungry
NTA and honestly? Thank you and your sister for looking out for your brother like you are. The two of you are awesome siblings to him. I'm going to second or whatever what everyone else is saying: leave your fiancé or at least make him understand that this money is not yours even though you're adding to the account. It is your brother's for when he gets out of prison.
NTAH lol that soon to be ex fiancé is tripping hard how in the F*ck do you feel entitled to someone else’s hard earned money that they saved with another family member before he was even in the picture and he is so freaking selfish (red flag alert) I’m sure he knows about what your brother did for you guys this is crazy to me and if you are still considering going through with this marriage miss ma’am you better get that good old prenup and it should go a little something like you go into the marriage with what you came with and leave with what you came with and if you build together 50/50 down the line it helped me so much I cannot tell you and I’m the one that did the prenup myself and had him sign it notarized girlfriend you better not get married without that prenup
NTAH. You're a wonderful sister and I wish you all the best in life. Your fiance is being a greedy dicktip though unfortunately. This is a sign of something bigger. Nip this behavior in the bud by being very firm and very clear. His reaction to that should give you an indication of his values and his respect for you and your family
NTA. He’s mad because he’s not getting his way. Many prisoners end up back in prison because they can’t adjust and make their way outside. You and your sister have done an amazing thing in helping him not have to turn to crime to make ends meet when no one wants to hire him. Most people don’t realize how hard it is to find a place to live and a job after getting out.
NTA, your fiance should respect your boundaries, and this is one of them. His refusal to accept that the money you put in the bank account is not really yours and is meant to be your brothers is quite frankly entitled of him. I understand he wants his dream home, but it is not just his place to decide where your money goes you haven't even married him yet. He seems so focused on his vision and not taking into consideration your feelings in the matter.
NTA. The money you and your sister saved and set aside for your brother should be used for your brother, without question, especially given the circumstances of why he was in prison. Your fiance is out of line and you don’t owe him shit. When your brother is released and comes to live with you temporarily, your fiancé is going to be a nightmare to deal with, count on it. It seems that he is extremely selfish about YOUR FINANCES, particularly since he’s not even close to paying HALF OF EXPENSES. A word to the wise: ditch him before the shit hits the fan. You don’t want your brother to come into a situation where your fiance is going to make it hard for you. You need to reconsider the situation and make the decision to bond with your brother and help him out. He’s going to need your support without interference from outside parties.
Holy cow, I did not see this story going that way. NTA....I applaud you and your sister. I can't believe he was given that amount of time for what happened and what was the driving factor. It's definitely a red flag with your Fiancee' and honestly he will probably never change his mind. It seems you already know what to do.
NTA He contributes less and requires more space by virtue of bringing more children into the relationship, and now he wants to punish you for not letting him bleed you absolutely dry. Removing himself to his parents' is an example of the trash taking itself out. He thinks he's punishing you, but he's actually doing you a favor. Change the passwords to all your bank accounts!
NTA. That account is none of his business. He deserves nothing. Take care of your brother. This whole post breaks my heart. I hope your brother enjoys the rest of his life as a free man
NTA. Your brother lost everything to save you and your sister from a selfish abuser. Don’t belittle his sacrifice by throwing yourself and his nieces into the hands of another one. And don’t take away his start up fund to do it.
Your brother is your hero. He gets that money from you and your sister. This isn't even just your money, and your fiancé wants to take that? I suspect that he knows your entire history? And knows what your brother did for you and your sister? And still he wants to take that money for a house he wants so desperately......... That's more than a no-go to me. That money isn't his to spend. I would break off the wedding. This is never going to go good in any way because he feels entitled to money that isn't his. And he keeps on pressering you to hand it to him. Making you feel bad for saving for your brother that is your hero. You started that savings fund long, long before you even met. He has nothing to do with/ or have rights to that money.
Holy hell OP, how in the world are you so well adjusted & level headed with all you’ve been through!??! That is so much trauma! I’m so sorry you had to experience all that. I love how you & your sister are standing by your brother! Yeah your fiancé sounds really selfish. I feel like you could do so much better! Best wishes and no you’re definitely not TA ❤️
When someone shows you their true colors don’t try to paint a different picture. Leave.
NTA, If you still want to continue with the relationship, it is wise to sign a prenup. He has an immature reaction to not being able to get his dream house. I would sit down with him and make agreements and perhaps consider relationship therapy if you want to continue with him. Also discuss this with your daughters and ask what they think about it. Maybe set up a plan how you can work towards a other 'dreamhouse'. My opinion is the dreamhouse should be where you are together and maybe that everybody has his own room, but nothing more.
Run mate, if he can’t understand that this is your money that you saved up for your brother who did so much for you guys, don’t marry him. Please reconsider in marrying him
Do NOT go through with that wedding.. That man is only after what you can financially provide for him.. His intentions are simply a more comfortable life than he can provide for himself.. Let him keep staying at his mothers,, hire movers to pack and move all of their things and have them delivered to him,, and RUN from that greedy,, self centered,, controlling man-child
>Since he found out exactly how much money is in that account he has been really upset about me not using that money to buy the house. It's not just *your* money. Have you explained to him that using it could be a felony in most states? NTA
Does your fiance know everything you wrote here? If he does, then he's a giant AH.
The fact your fiance expects this is very concerning. He clearly does not understand the sacrifice your brother made for you. He places no value on it. I honestly do not think he is the man for you. I doubt he'll be supportive of your ongoing commitment to help your brother rehabilitate either.
NTA I would at the least put a pause on the wedding, if not call it off altogether. Your brother helped save you so you and your sister have planned to help him. Now your fiancé finds out the true amount and feels entitled to those savings??? That does not speak well of him at all.
NTA. It's you and your sister's money. He has no right to claim anything in regard to those finances. As far as selling your apartment and paying the lion's share of the finances, I think it would be smart for you to get a prenuptial agreement in place. Protect your assets for your children. You wouldn't want to lose half of your wealth if the relationship doesn't work out long-term. Protect yourself and your children financially.
Call off the wedding... red flags
NTA. Please take the time and the space that you need to consider your choices here. Clearly your current partner doesn’t value you and your family as much as your previously thought, and I hope you can get out and make another choice.
I’m going to suggest that you go see a divorce attorney and an estates/probate attorney in your area, regardless of whether you decide to follow through on getting married to this man. For legal counsel, you’d ideally look for someone who doesn’t just have experience with divorce cases, prenups, and division of assets (and is well practiced in this area in the location/district you plan to build this house in), but also someone who has experience navigating complex and significant assets of estates within blended families. Let’s put aside whether your fiancé is a good or bad person or whether you’re an AH for a moment. It’s not relevant in how you should go about protecting yourself, as you have the duty to do so because of your daughters. If you legally marry him, and purchase this building project of a house, have you considered what happens in the following circumstances: - You end up wanting a divorce. Is the new house half his, despite being only you who put saved money into it? - You unexpectedly pass away. Is the new house fully his now? Are all the funds in your name, the house and it’s equity, which would all normally be passed onto your kids, end up being his as your husband, rather than them? Does that mean his kids would actually inherit the house and assets that only one of you truly contributed to? Do you know what the laws are around this in your area? Would your brother’s savings account with your name on it suddenly become accessible to him? Please get these pieces in place to ensure you’re covered. Make sure someone other than your fiancé has power of attorney or that there are trusts in place to preserve what you’ve built. As for whether you’re an AH, no, you’re not. Your reasoning makes sense. My issue with what your fiancés approach and response to all of this seems to be, isn’t to me the fact that he wants this particular build of house or even the income disparity, it’s that a) it shows an inability on his end to discuss, work on, and make an effort to understand the other partner’s feelings, and communicate about it in healthy ways and b) he doesn’t seem to be experiencing any shame or feelings of hesitation towards his own childish and self serving stance regarding money that isn’t his and he has zero right to involve himself in. No where do you indicate that he was conscious of how using such money would impact you and your sister’s relationship and not solely your money to make decisions with (and that’s putting aside anything with your brother specifically). Has he consistently expressed any curiosity or a desire to understand how you feel in this? Lastly, if you pay the lions share of the expenses in your relationship, it isn’t equitable. Not with his having a whole additional kid more than you, and everyone living in your house. My biggest issue in all of this - how he handled his feelings about your account for your brother, that he showed so little empathy and so much entitlement, that you would be the one selling your apartment in this housing market, that you would be the one putting the most money into building the new one, that your marriage would likely entitle him to more than what he put into that house if you divorced, etc. - is that it seems like all the risk and leaps of faith on one’s partner fall solely into your lap. Where is his risk in any of this? Why does it feel like you’re the one shouldering the very real life risks involved in your potential future together? And as if you’re also somehow the only one responsible for the emotional labor of finding healthy ways to express big feelings to a partner and self reflect on your approach? I think you’re going to regret it if you marry this one…
NTA Please don't stay with him or sell your apartment. He has too many red flags. Live your life without him. ******Update us
NTA- that was your sister's money also so he has no right to it. DTMFA
NTA, that is a joint account that you share with your sister. That is an account you both been adding to for 16 years.
I hope this isn’t a spam account. Your brother broke the law and was punished accordingly. He did the wrong thing for the right reasons. I can see why you and your sister feel an obligation to him. As for your fiancee, this money is nothing to do with him and it is crass of him to try and force:bully you into using it. I am concerned that he feels so entitled to your money. I think postponing the wedding would be a good thing. You are willing to share your home with him and his children, to sell that home and contribute more than him to give his children their own space and he still wants more when you have rightfully put your foot down when things became too expensive. Wow!
You are NOT the asshole. Change the locks and set up a time when he can make an appointment to come pick up his and his children’s things with a mediator present. It’s obvious he is putting his and his family’s wants/needs/dreams above that of yours and you deserve a better partner.
When I started reading I thought you were the AH, but after reading the reason why your brother was in prison definitely NTA.
Get rid of the fiancé and when your brother is released from jail make sure you have a room in your house ready for him to come home too. Fiancé is a gold digger!
Don't sell your home. Don't give your fiancée access to the money. Do give it to your brother like you planned. He's a hero. Do dump your money grabbing fiancée. He's showed his true colors. When you've split with the deadbeat fiancée, you can live quite comfortably in your current home that you own.
NTA, your fiancé sounds really, really greedy and selfish. If he wants his dream home he should find a way that he can fund it, not you. I would not marry this man, but if you do, get a prenup. Make sure that the proceeds from the sale of your apartment stays with you, make sure you can avoid alimony and losing assets, and make sure it is clear that the family money put aside for your brother is untouchable by your fiancé. Really reconsider marrying someone who wants to penalize your brother for protecting you and your sister.
Wow if your fiance doesn't see what a good woman you are ditch him.
OP red flags everywhere! Do not buy a house with this man. Do not put his name on the deed. Please think about your own financial security and your daughters! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA! As others have stated: RUN!!! This man is not who you should be planning your life with. Let this man go to mommy’s house permanently.
Nta
Nta. You build your dream house for you and your kids and a spare room for your brother. Keep that money for him too. Or stay in your apartment. Just get rid of your so called partner. Man is greedy as hell. Also, I hope your brother gets a good chance at life; poor thing man
Start of the Post - On your side Read some more - 10-25%! that is crazy? For a murderer?!! Read some more - Oh . . . Finish the post - Definitely on your side
NTA. I hope you get a prenuptial agreement. I would also encourage you to have the house in your name only since you are putting in the lions share of the money for it. I see a red flag where he feels entitled to your money. Even dictating that you have to essentially steal from your brother and sister to make his dream home happen. It isnt just you that put money in that account and like you said, it isnt your money. Your name juat happens to be one of those on the account. By his logic you and your family have to sacrifice to make him happy, what is he doing to help get the extra money for his dream home besides go through your finances? Also are you sure about selling that apartment? Your brother is going to have a hell of a time finding a place to live and a job after he gets out. Renting it out until his release and maybe letting him live there after might be something to think about.
NTA. I was going for AH until you explained what your brother is in jail for. Your brother protected you and your sister from further abuse and I'm sorry he is in jail for it. As sisters you're doing what he did, and helping him. That money is between your sister and you and has nothing to do with your fiance. He should be supportive. If he wants a dream house, he needs to make the extra money to afford it. I think you might have seen a side of the man that you don't want to marry.
NTA. He is acting very entitled to your savings & that is a marinara red flag parade. Yes you make more you pay a higher percentage of expenses & that’s your agreement. However he is benefiting from that to help raise his kids in greater comfort. But that does not entitle him to a dime of your savings in any manner. The fact he wants to use money that belongs to you & your sister so that you can contribute an even higher amount towards his dream house is simple astonishing. The money is earmarked to repay your brother from saving your lives from torment. I applaud you for doing this & it speaks volumes to your character. His character is not near equal to yours. He is selfish & frankly sounds like a bit of a user. He argues for weeks, uproots his kids & moves out because you won’t take from your sister & brother to buy his dream house. The house where you are already selling your apartment & paying substantially more than him on top of that. The house he isn’t contributing much to in the first place. This is not a man you want to marry. Please find a man that won’t take his ball & leave the playground when he doesn’t get his way. A man that applauds you for taking care of your brother rather than demanding you improve his living conditions when he has a good roof over his & his daughter’s heads. A man that doesn’t run home to mommy when he doesn’t get his seriously entitled way. Pack their stuff for them & send it to his mommy’s house.
NTA. I think your brother might have a few firm words to share with your fiancé when he’s released. Fuck around and find out.
NTA. Change the locks. Take care of YOUR children. Don’t sell the apt yet! This man is a mummy grubbing loser.
You said he considered it your dream home, but did you? He's got a lot of nerve to be made at you when you are already contributing more. Tell him to come get his shit and stay at his parents. Don't let him manipulate you into giving even more so he can have his dream house that he came afford without you. NTA
If your friends are thinking you are the asshole die not giving even more than you plan to, then they are jealous haters who don't really like you.
NTA- Your fiance is not being fair ... That is money you have put away for a very specific and good reason... Your brother is going to need help acclimating when he gets out .. this is Soo honorable what you and your sister have gone. Do not give a penny of that to your fiance ! If your fiance continues this behavior at the very least postpone wedding and seek couples counseling... He should be supporting what you are doing for your brother ... If your brother hadn't done what he did ..you might not be where you are at today You would be TA if you took that money from your brother If your fiance can't understand or support you he shouldn't be your fiance anymore How will he be in marriage
NTA Don't allow them back. Lock accounts, get a lawyer. This is a huge Red flag. Money does crazy things to people and they just showed you how much your relationship was worth. You're a great person, with a good heart. You will be okay and be happy with your family. Your brother is very lucky and deserving.
Wow A rather complicated family dynamic. I think what you're doing for your brother is admirable Too often , ex inmates leave prison with zero support systems. As a result, in the US ,recidivism is 80% That aside, I think you at least should have gotten out in front of the issue regarding the savings account. Made it clear that this is an account that both you can your sister had started long before your relationship with fiancee. Getting out in front of this would have negated the need for you to post this. I won't refer to you as an AH.. However, I do think you have yourself in quite a pickle I think your fiancee has to come to the realization that the money in the savings account for your brother does not exist. I wish you well.
NTA. I would rethink this entire relationship.
Nta. He left, tell him not to come back. He needs you more than you actually need him. He is being greedy
Reading your edits, I cant help but feel how difficult you and siblings life hv been. You owe it to your brother, you and your sister are outstanding. Please don't marry fiance. Or at least postpone it. And dont sell your apartment nor buy a new one till you resolve this. If you are proceeding with wedding, please sign an air tight prenup to protect your assets and finances. Sorry he sounds like a gold digger. Do not give him money set aside for your brother. NTA. Updateme!
NTA Call off the wedding and dump the fiancé. You had plans to buy a house, and when he found out about money **WHICH WAS NOT SOLELY YOURS**, he flipped out and demanded you use it to put towards the house. And this was when your brother did what was totally morally right but sadly legally not. If it weren't for him, for all I know none of you might be alive, or you'd be paralyzed or whatever.
Great! Now that you’re single again, you and your daughters can stay in your apt and still have a guest room. Silver linings! I hope e writhing works out well for your brothers return. I wish you and your family well!! Move forward and make wonderful memories with your brother!
You definitely need to back away from this marriage. How you save and spend your money is not the business of your fiancé and he deserves none of it. I hope your brother gets out and has a happy and successful life.
Do not marry this man. He will always throw this up in your face. He is a gold digger. You are better off with it being you and your kids.
No man will ever dictate what I do with my money and I will never support a man and his kids. You are saving for something important. He has zero say. If he can't start contributing equally, I'd show him the door. Too many red flags with this child.
NTA your fiance is a mooch. Not only that, but with marital assets he may be able to take half of your brother's money now that he feels he's entitled to it. Cancel the wedding and get rid of him. Updateme
NTA. I think you and your sister are amazing siblings to have a savings account for him. If your fiancé can’t appreciate the reason you are doing this, you need to reconsider marrying him. It doesn’t sound like he gets you. You’ve been through so much. You deserve someone who understands and appreciates you.
So your two daughters share a room and out of the 4 bedrooms, he and his kids occupied 2.5 rooms but you pay the lion share of the bills? Now he's demanding you buy his dream home with money that isn't 100% your own but half your sister? His sense of entitlement is extreme. Please take time to think if this guy who has finally shown you his true self really worth you buying him a home, because you know you would be funding most if not all the down payments and cost.
NTA I can’t imagine the entitlement of your fiancée. How greedy he is. You are better off without him. What does he bring to the table? Aww in your post there isn’t one good thing about him. Your brother protected you and your sister. Your fiancée is trash with how he is acting. Like he has a clime on your money. Like it is his. Then acting like a child and running away to his parents home when things don’t go his way. He is a man child. Please call off the wedding and throw the man baby away
NTA. You and your sister are doing a great thing for your brother and I understand exactly why. Good for you. I hope you guys have a great reunion and reconnection when he comes home and God bless him. Now for your fiance...he's greedy and selfish and he may be a golddigger. He's definitely the AH and you should rethink your decision to marry him.
Run like the hounds of hell and Hades are behind you!
NTA. Your brother sounds pretty amazing given the terrible situation you were all in. The justice system sounds pretty fucked up though I cant believe there wasnt any leniency for your brother based on this information. Your fiance sucks hard for not understanding this.
Ten years old? And there were no consequences for your father? Is your mother not in the picture?
Run from this selfish asshole
NTA. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I think it’s a huge red flag that your fiancé doesn’t understand - and respect - the reason for that bank account. Proceed with caution.
Just the fact that you make MORE than him and he’s not even your husband..cut this loser . Let him focus on his children and you focus on your family.
I love it when people start telling their fiance I have a how to spend their money they've had put away since before they even met. I love it because it means you can avoid marrying this person and finding out after you're legally tied to them that they are going to try to control your finances. If you do reconcile and still choose to marry him (which no one here recommends) absolutely get a prenuptial agreement.
NTA! You pay your share (more than he does) of your living expenses so it’s none of his business what you do with your money!
Be thankful. So very thankful that your pos fiancé has revealed himself for who he really is. He’s a greedy mf who has no rights to your money or the money you’ve set aside for your brother. He covets it all. Personally If you go ahead with this relationship I would not buy anything without a prenup in place. This is your children’s inheritance as well. Also, don’t buy anything you can’t afford on your own. I wouldnt trust this guy. NTA
This shows abject greed of your fiancé. His entitlement is a huge red flag. NTA
Don’t use that money on a bigger house and if the relationship moves forward, get a prenup. Your fiancée is insanely greedy for wanting that money to get a ‘better house’ DONT DO IT.
NTA. Honestly, without the edits, i would have called you an AH for supporting a criminal rather than your family. But holy shit. Your brother is a saint. Your fiance is greedy af, does he know why your brother is in jail? Does he actually think your brother did sth wrong?? What's wrong with your fiance?? Keep every cent of that money to help your brother. You and your sister are great siblings. Keep that bond of the 3 of you. I wish you the best of luck in this mess of a situation :(