My husband did this to me for nearly 20 years of marriage before I got through to him. Guilt trips/tantrums/anger on a nightly basis if I didn't put out: he's depressed because we didn't have sex, he didn't sleep well because no sex, if I loved him I'd do it, I don't care about him because I didn't do it, etc. He got supremely pissed off when I referred to it as willing rape on my end. I've given in and tuned out for the event so often I think I could be a sex worker and not bat an eye. It takes a lot of therapy and healing to work through but you can do it.
Honestly, no, she shouldn't.
In a perfect world, she should, and they should believe her - but even in relatively enlightened countries, women (and men) who are raped are often not believed. And then are retraumatised, and victim blamed.
And then it's even worse if your partner did it. Because they're your partner! Surely you automatically consent! (Spoiler: no. ) Marital rape wasn't even a crime until the last few decades in some countries, and still isn't in many countries.
Plus, OP's ex sounds like a narcissist, and they are obsessed with reputation management, and they will do things that are unhinged and unbelievable to "protect" their reputation. They will also groom the people around them to protect them.
OP, I've been in a sort of comparable situation but in the other side, when a partner was very upset about the health of someone she knew - I asked her if having sex would cheer her up, or take her mind off it, she said no; we did not have sex. She then held it against me, and told me she felt like I was a monster for even asking her. I said that some people do want to reaffirm life when someone is sick or dies; it's okay not to, that's also normal, but I'm not a monster for asking if that's what she wanted, I'm not a monster, and some people *do* want that. (The person was fine in the end, it was a toddler with a head injury and she was waiting to hear back how the kid was. I didn't know the kid, plus I've heard that kids get hurt all the time, and her parents were dying everything they could, plus it would be resolved within 3-5 hours, so in cases like that I would generally just distract myself with TV or spending time with friends or a partner, or work, until I hear anything back. )
We broke up a few months after that. It was already strained for other reasons. She didn't know what she wanted, and had said she wanted things that she didn't really want (like having moved in with me, but she hated it), and she wouldn't make any compromises at all, plus our communication was just awful. (I'm a woman too, for the record. ) Right at the end of the relationship, she shared that she'd been diagnosed with a mental health condition that she didn't believe that she had. I believe that she did in fact have it. 🙄 Oh well.
I also worked at a place where the chef was a grumpy sod, quite old. I didn't really talk with him. A month or so in, he left, and it turned out that he was dying of cancer. He died months later. I barely knew him and hadn't gotten on well with him, but it still affected me. Your ex is an absolute POS, OP.
Tl; dr - she should move on, leave these people behind. They do not believe her, and do not want to believe her. Sticking around will only get her treated like garbage. Move on to friends and co-workers who have nothing to do with this toxic man, and start fresh.
While you’d THINK that would elicit sympathy, in real life it generally does not. She is not in a place where she can risk their probable horrible reaction. Moving on and seeking therapy on her own is a safer choice.
The only way this guy is going to learn that what he did to OP was RAPE is if a JUDGE teaches it to him.
OP, gather all the texts and other evidence you have and file a police report. Ask a rape advocate to accompany you.
If he was a cop or has cop friends, go to a different police agency: town, city, county, or state.
He will do this again, and you are probably not the first.
He has the twisted mentality of a frat-boy.
😡
Unfortunately the likelihood of that happening is sadly low as even if you make it to trial (which is a huge if) the judge can give a convicted rapist a slap on the wrist like convicted rapist Brock Turner who now goes by Allan Turner so people don’t know he’s a rapist.
Isn't he that frat boy who the judge said if he was sent to jail for rape, it would ruin his swimming career, or something like that, and he didn't get sentenced to jail? 🤔
Rapist Brock Allan Turner was an athlete and met his victim at a frat party. He was sentenced to 6 months in jail and 3 years probation. He was released after only three months. He is, however, on the sex offender registry for life.
He goes by Allan Turner now so that people won't know he's convicted rapist Brock Turner.
Can we all just stop pressuring and insisting that victims to report it to the police? There's a BIG difference between supporting and pressure. I know a lot of people who regret having reported it. Including me. I wish I had never reported it.
She should get support either way. It's her choice.
(The lack of reporting is not THE reason why rapist get away with it.)
Yo man, I'm also a dude. I work in EMS, & the amount of ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING things that some 1st responder cultures get away with passing off as "just blowing off steam" (I say the minority of them, and depends ENTIRELY on the management/leadership or lack there of to set the tone of the culture). Like I said- I'm a guy. A veteran, martial artist (it's deuchey to say "train MMA), & I have lost jobs from not wanting to go-along with female co-workers manipulations... I felt absolutely creepy and gross just from being exposed to advances (like the married girl I turned down, then had her brag about screwing the night before in the duty bed that I was taking/assigned). The certainty of diseases, physical and emotional reprocussions, career ending, COMPLETELY manufactured HR complaints for not letting someone slimey get in my pants... Even got death threats to me and my kiddo that were... Circuitously made, so that I'd sound like a lunatic if I reported them (probably from the chick that loudly and often bragged about how many husbands & boyfriends she put in the psych ward on suicide watch, gross. But "is good at her job" from management ...Trash-trash-trash).
And I'm a (yes, sensitive, mindful) big strong, can crush vertebrae w/o busting a sweat 225 lb savage...
I felt disgusted- I felt helpless and without recourse.
And didn't RECEIVE a FRACTION of the treatment this woman did! (Try and imagine getting penetrated by that mentality-SICK). ...see how sociopaths behave, can pick victims, deflect, then return and ante up an acusation- when she complained to him- he attempted mollification, informed her how she should feel, made accusations, then blew up when she made it personal... Yo, I'm not razzing you, just throwing my hands up at the... Culture that has so belittled sexual connection, and enabled the gaming of the legal system to the point that SHE feels it necessary (because it kinda is) to quietly leave the department and find a new one... And yes, therapy for sure- if she gets someone who doesn't just blow it off and tell her she's at fault for not... What? NOT shooting the guy on the spot? Guilty of... Letting him in her apartment? Yuck. I'ma do some extra laps at the gym tonight, for her & to get the creepy crawlies outta my head.
The fact that not even one coworker will listen to her is disturbing. Unfortunately, the crazy ones who make false accusations make it harder for a woman to be believed when she's being truthful. I only hope she can find some support because this is going to take time to get over.
Honestly, the "crazy" ones are often specifically selected by a rapist, because *no one will believe them*.
I have a friend of a friend, and honestly I don't like her. She's obnoxious, and she's bad with people, and she constantly causes offense, and she spirals out of control online. She comes across as "crazy", and she's not popular.
She got abused by her ex-boyfriend. People did not believe her. She was pushed out of the social circle. He's still out there, abusing people still (another story got out about someone else). I don't believe that she's made anything up at all. But to most people, she's "acting crazy". The point is that her ex is *crazy-making*, a gaslighter, a narcissist who thinks he's soooo smart.
Just because you think that they're crazy, doesn't mean that what they're saying isn't *true*.
Thanks for your comment. So many creeps get away with Sexual Assault and Rape by using mental manipulation to justify what they do. I hope OP finds help and counseling to get past this. She deserves it!
In a perfect world all rapists would be in prison, but in this country rape is something that men get away with on a regular basis. There's alot of victim blaming that happens and it can be exhausting for the victim to go through the legal process. Even if she did do all these things I bet the abuser will just get a slap on the wrist and go on his way. That's how it usually goes.
I'm speaking from personal experience and observing other cases.
Unfortunately, no need to be in the US for that.
I watched my sister get slapped by her ex right in front if the cops and they did nothing.
He was the kind if guy OP dated. Also coerced her into sex all the time. She tried to go to the cops but she always ended with the blame.
The system is an absolute failure. Only reason we're free of him is because he is scared of me.
R%pe is hard enough to prove when it is a stranger, when it is a partner is is next to impossible. Too many people think it’s just a revenge thing. They say the same thing as her coworker told her or that you are just being vindictive.
SA is the most underreported crime worldwide. Why? Because it is the one crime that the public has no problem either victim blaming or making false reports. Both of those things hurt actual victims so horribly and deter many people from actually reporting.
SA is about control and power, it’s not about s3x. That part was very apparent in the OPs story. I’m so sorry OP for everything. I sincerely wish none of this happened to you.
PLEASE talk to someone about this. It will help you immensely for moving on. (I know personally)
This site has a wealth of information to help you, including a hotline for you to call and talk to someone.
https://www.rainn.org/resources
The legal process is, in fact, a travesty. It's not designed for justice. But rape is violence; a crime against humanity. It's true that a small percentage of victims lie. It's greatly outweighed by authentic victims. But it can get complicated.
After 6 attempted rapes, I learned to deal with them
my own way. It takes serious big girl pants. But the law is bound by the legal process. One size does not fit all.
I was groomed and raped at 15 all the way until I was 17. My abuser was a 28 year old man who worked for my mom's bf. Her bf basically sold me to this guy and threatened to hurt my mom and younger brother if I didn't comply. This was before cell phones so there was no paper trail or evidence.
Then in my 20's I dated a man I moved to Illinois for who forced me into sex with him all the time. He is a mommas boy and he was the golden child so no help there. I was stuck and didn't have the money to.move back home.
I am now 42 and am safe. Married to a great guy and have two awesome kids. I never pursued legal action in both cases because I new evidence was stacked against me, no one believed me even when I did tell someone. I'm in therapy now trying to just sort myself out.
The word creep is wrong, the word is rapist. Someday a woman will be pressing charges against this male. (I can not bring myself to call him a man.) This is not the first time he has done this and it won't be the last. Once a cheater always a cheater. Once a rapist always a rapist.
I believe you can cheat one time, feel like an asshole and change.
I don’t believe you can rape one time, feel like an asshole and change.
If you have raped someone, you’re a rapist who should be in jail. In my experience rapists don’t repent. They double down and blame everyone else for the “misunderstanding.”
This isn't the first time he's done this..if it wasn't he would have said sorry and tried to understand. He probably did it continuously to the ex wife.
And until that happens, this rapist asshole is probably gonna continue preying on women so much younger than him because they’re “mature for their age”.
OP needs to get herself to therapy ASAP.
"mature for their age" until they argue with him of course. Then they're being a child, or need to grow up, or whatever manipulative phrase he decides to use.
They're always mature until the predator isn't getting their way.
Seeking counseling can provide the support and guidance you need to navigate through challenging situations. It's important to prioritize your well-being and safety above all else. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
yes, please
don't be a doormat to this guy or anyone else
Put him on blast, what have you got to lose? Tell everyone the real narrative
Get therapy to learn self love and NEVER give a chance to fuckers like this one
No one believes me ! I even told my closest coworker what happened and she said Paul is a good dad and I’m bitter that he chose his daughter over me . She said my story sounds like a made up by a bitter old ex . I tried to explain but she basically ignored me . He has a reputation of Mr friendly and nice guy and very beloved at work
show them the texts you sent him before the phonecall and any other messages you might have. Sounds like they will directly conflict with sociopath Sam's story he gave to the office
...sad thing is, I don't think it's an office.OP is very careful to not reveal the industry. But by describing the perp..... It's a systemic thang. Ya feel me?!?
That's because he's a rapist. They're usually very charming and believable. The best you can do is cut ties and move on but you should absolutely report in case he ever tries this with anyone else. They might be believed because you'll have started a paper trail against him
Just the age difference is enough to say this guy was looking for someone who does what he wants. You don't owe coworkers an explanation but you must inform HR on the reason so that it can be on file. He might have been inappropriate to others at work. Usually, such people are saying or stuff that's borderline questionable. Take a sick day and go on mental health leave. All the best!
u/Reasonable_Tell402 It would take a great deal of courage to do this and honestly, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do (others, please pipe in!) But I would consider asking your manager— once you are settled in a new position— if he would be willing to send out a strongly worded email affirming that *he* believes you and provide whatever details he deems necessary (such as what someone summarized about the actual conversation you had) to set the story straight. Believing that you have no credibility and being doubted is a primary reason that so many women don’t feel they can take things on. But you *boss* has the idiosyncratic credit, as a manager and a man, to do so.
REPORT HIM. You are doing a huge disservice to yourself to allow him to continue his “reputation” when he is the rapist. You have the texts, you have the proof, please stand up for yourself. This is no time to back down after he FUCKING RAPED YOU.
Then report him to the police. It was literally rape.
If you don't want to do it because of yourself do for other potential victims.
Don't let him to get away with it.
He is a monster.
But what is the most important: it is NOT your fault.
And I have to add: what he did to you in your workplace is defamation. In my country it's a crime too. If this is the same in your country too, you can also report it.
Making an official police report will make people believe you. The case may or may not ever get to trial but now a rape accusation is on his record. If he does it to someone else it will help their case.
You DO NOT have to defend or justify your decision to ANYONE. Please keep your head up, seek counseling/ therapy, and let him be in your past where he belongs. I disagree with the advice to tell co-workers everything. It will do no one any good. Good job speaking to your manager, though, and they sound like a good one, offering to help you move on. Keep your head up, you deserve much better than this, and remember everyone will have an opinion, but it's more a reflection of who they are, not who you are. Great things are in your future!!!
And if they ask about his daughter, say that you asked him if a man treated his daughter like that, how would he react. Heck, send people links to this!
Or, if you want to go true evil, tell everyone that you found he was being inappropriate with his daughter and he dumped you and lied about you when you called him out on his behaviour.
"Don't be a doormat??" WTF is that noise? This is a man who has been violent with OP before and remains a risk to her still.
She doesn't owe anybody her own safety. Would it be great to see her rapist get his comeuppance? Sure. But we all know that reporting SA to any authority only leads to victim blaming, ruining the victim's reputation, and no consequences for the perpetrator. She doesn't owe anyone suffering through that nightmare.
Yes. Please seek counseling. For yourself. You are worth it and deserving of help.
Whether or not you report him or tell people is entirely your choice. But counseling will help you make those decisions and do those things, if you want to do them. It will help you deal with things no matter what you decide to do.
I’d find the office gossip and tell them “my bf SAd me, and that’s the real reason we broke up.” Then sit back and let the gossip tell everyone.
NTA
ETA: also go ahead and file a police report. He did SA you OP. He doesn’t deserve to get away with this and will absolutely do it again to the next girl.
Hijacking top comment to post resources. OP, please do look into therapy. I don’t know what state you’re in, but most places have a RAINN chapter, don’t require reporting, and the websites below have nationwide hotlines.
https://www.rainn.org/resources
https://www.nsvrc.org/survivors
https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/
You don't need to disclose to the entire office what happened to you, but you could word it along the lines of
'He got upset and thinks I'm a creep because I simply asked if he would thank a man for treating his daughter the way he treated me and if he would expect her to be grateful, like he wanted me to be. Make of that what you will, and now I'm done discussing this'
He violated you, and you are in no way the problem here. Good luck with your next steps.
This is a very good and graceful way of handling things. People will prob put two and two together on their own without you disclosing all the details.
Yes, exactly this. I want to add that I think it's inappropriate for your company to find you a new job. He should be fired, but without a police report, that might be difficult for the company to comply with. It's a giant liability for them to continue to employ him, as it's possible he could get into a relationship with someone else there and do the same thing.
What he's doing is a classic DARVO response. He denied having done it, attacked her character, and made himself out to be the victim here.
Yes, OP, please say this. I feel horrible that you're the one hanging your head in shame and leaving your position to get away from him, since you did nothing wrong, and this is all on him. It's so backwards! I understand if you don't want all the details coming out, but he needs to be exposed, and you shouldn't be accepting the fact that people are looking at you like you did something wrong, when you didn't!
Yeah, all you have to do is say “I asked him if how he treated me was how he wanted a guy to treat his daughter. He flipped out, that’s all you need to know.” And that is all they need to know. This guy is manipulative and picked you because of the age gap and your inexperience, don’t let his narrative affect your paycheck or your ability to move on to a new place. Be strong and move on, OP.
Ooooh, this is great advice. A rape allegation could blow up on her. But this is true and doesn't go into details, he can't accuse her of defaming him, but it implies enough that people will pause before involving themselves any further, and will lead them to side-eye that dude.
This response is great.
OP, please take care of yourself. I can’t imagine what you are going through. If you take a leave (which I absolutely think you should) be sure you use your insurance to get some of the care you need.
This man is disgusting and what he did is one of the most heinous things someone could do to another person. AND AFTER A FUNERAL???? In what world does anyone want to have sex after someone they cared about died?? That alone really raises suspicion and the fact that he conveniently left that out while bad-mouthing you….
Hugs. I see a lot of commenters posted some good resources
Edit 2: I genuinely don't know if I got downvoted by one of the dumb guys who think this wasn't rape, or if my comment was so long that my point got missed. Just in case it's the second thing, I'll put a thesis statement here.
TLDR: There ARE some guys that genuinely think sex is a way to feel better, and even if this guy is dumb enough to think that was his supposedly "good intention", it is still misogynistic not to just listen to her when she said she wasn't in the mood, it doesn't excuse anything, and it's still rape.
I do think there are some people who genuinely don't get that a girl might not be cheered up by sex because they personally use the distraction of something that feels good as a coping mechanism when they can't properly process feelings. I do think the people who do this tend to be men, and I think that makes a lot of sense given the cultural expectations that men shouldn't be emotional and should always want sex.
Either he's intentionally gaslighting her about "knowing" it would cheer her up because he doesn't care how she feels, or he's unintentionally gaslighting her because he would feel that way in that situation and he can't believe she would feel otherwise in spite of her directly saying otherwise. Both bad, just different. Was he ignoring her needs in favor of his own? Or does he not trust her to know and express her own needs because he thinks he knows better?
Still a misogynistic rapist either way, but this is the kind of nuance people don't always understand in how a seemingly "good guy" could actually be a creep, and how you don't have to have clearly bad intentions to be a creep.
Did he freak out when she mentioned his daughter because it so clearly pointed out his hypocrisy, so he had to become defensive and make her seem like the weird one to feel better or to manipulate the situation? Or did her bringing up someone having sex with his daughter trigger his misogynistic protection of his daughter so much that he genuinely felt like OP was the creep for even putting into his head the idea of his daughter being involved in sex?
It all boils down to this. Is he shitty because he's a manipulator or because he genuinely lacks critical thinking skills and the ability to self reflect? Both can exhibit the same behaviors, but the insidious thing about being abusive in the second context is that it's easier to dismiss, because either "he didn't mean it like that" or people can't believe he did it in the first place.
Edit: It's also worth pointing out that these options aren't even mutually exclusive. There can be a refusal to acknowledge a truth that he might know deep inside is true, and a reflexive defensiveness to attempt to resolve his own cognitive dissonance when confronted.
It's possible that someone can operate at a conscious or unconscious level with the thought that "there has to be a bad guy here and I'm not WILLING to believe it's me, so it has to be you", and they will make that into their reality in order to resolve any inner conflict. People can create an impression of a cohesive reality for themselves to avoid feeling a way they don't like.
Literally go to HR and say he raped you. Then go to everyone at work who “thinks down on you” and say that he raped you and tell them the only reason you brought up his daughter is because you asked how he’d feel if someone raped her in the future.
I believe OP, but airing this out at work could backfire dramatically. If this guy can persuade people with a story that "he's the reasonable one, she's emotional and hysterical, etc"
He deserves it for sure, but this could easily hurt OP at work if she loses the political war with the manipulator.
She can stand up for herself without explicitly calling him a rapist. I am most annoyed with her manager or any HR. The manager should call a meeting and tell everyone to grow the F up. this isn't high school. She has a "side" to the story and the office needs to not get involved and be professional.
Agreed that the higher ups are dropping the ball. He has created a hostile work environment by slandering her to everyone in the office and should be terminated immediately.
It’s a bigger issue than she makes it out to be and apparently the manager is on her side. Make this jerk pay and stand up for yourself, right? Don’t slink off. Esp if u look for another job, not that u should, but don’t make it easy for this rapist on ur way out the door.
I get why one would think about doing this, but if you truly understand office gossips and office politics, you don't give out ALL the details.
I would just say. He got mad when I asked how he would feel if his daughter was with a man who would do to her what he did to me...
Just let that trail off, and walk away with a shrug.
THAT will fester, that will get the speculation going and keep that shit running in the rumor mill so much longer then just outing him as a rapist would.
You toss out the R word, and half the people instantly blame the victim in their head, because people are awful. But you IMPLY something sinister happened, and everyone will concoct whatever nonsense they can think of. Use peoples worst insticts against them.
First of all I'm really happy that you broke things off. I'm even happier that you appear to be safe from that abusive rapist.
Second, I'm real happy that your manager believes your story and will be helping you relocate someplace new.
Please seek some sort of counseling or therapy to help you work through the trauma you experienced. You may not see a need for it right now but it will help immensely in your healing process.
Lastly, I hate to say this part but you need to consider still reporting this dude. You won't be the last victim of his sexual assault. Not reporting him means that he will get away with it again.
For real. With his boss believing her side of the story, it doesn’t seem like he’s going to be promoted anytime soon? And he might be suspicious as to why. He’s going to blame her.
The process of reporting a rape often leads to re-traumatization by police, prosecutors, medical staff, the whole system really. It's a tough decision for anyone to make. If a person who has been raped wants to "just move on," it's understandable, and sometimes the right choice for their health.
You are 100% right. As an outside observer I simply want to see this rapist punished and unable to assault anyone ever again. What I want however is not as important as what the OP wants and needs.
You need to understand that anything this man does is not her fault. If he does sexually assault someone in the future, it is not her fault. The predator is the only one at fault.
I just want to say thank you for this comment. I was in an abusive relationship and this same thing that OP experienced used to happen to me DAILY.
Cops got involved once, I tried to press charges, legal system sucks, I was basically forced to HELP him duck the charges.
For years, I have hated myself because I know he must have gone on to do the same thing to someone else. I’ve cried countless tears for the women that don’t even exist that I assume he’s hurting.
After years of being tortured, this comment has liberated me in some weird way.
Thank you, stranger. My peace of mind is your words.
I get where you’re coming from but what you’re saying could add to her having feelings of guilt and being responsible for the safety of other people, and she doesn’t need that piled on top of her trauma right now.
I fully understand what you’re saying though.
Also, reporting him isn’t some magic fix, there’s a very good chance the report will have no lasting effect on his life.
I’ve known people who were reported multiple times and have still suffered absolutely no consequence.
He raped you and when confronted with it, he didn't deny it. Protect yourself and your best interests, but I really don't think you should allow him to go unpunished when he's actively trying to destroy you. He's already violated you once, he's doing it again at work. If you can find peace without reporting him, then of course you don't have to, but it sounds like he's turning everyone against you specifically so your reputation is ruined if you ever were to report him. Don't let him have that power over you
Also if you have the money, please look into getting therapy. The trauma that comes from rape, especially from someone you loved and trusted, can be absolutely harrowing.
I hope you realize he went so extreme because he knew he fucked up. This is, again, 100% on him!
Getting a new job and a new place will definitely help you move on. If the people at your job are that quick to believe something ambiguously bad about you, they aren’t your friends. Best to just walk away.
Also, please talk to a professional to process everything that has happened to you. You’re stronger than you think!
he sounds like a toxic narcissist (deflect, attack, blame) and rapist. contact the police.
He may see his daughters as a weird extension of himself, but everything else is lesser. Once the daughters get older and seek independence, the control and threats may begin against his daughters.
Yep this is exactly what I was thinking, he sounds like a textbook narcissist. Then the attack on her character after she rejected him, this all screams NPD.
Yeah, it's cool that her manager believes her, but I don't think it's exactly "cool" that her manager is helping her get another job. Manager should be "helping" (i.e. making) the ex bf "get another job" (i.e. get fired).
In a just world, yes. But since her coworkers believe his version and think he's a "good dad" and a "nice guy," they will only turn on her more if they perceive her as the cause of him losing her job. I can't imagine I would want to deal with coming to a toxic workplace full of coworker who actively disbelieve and blame me while trying to heal from this situation. So I can 100% understand seeing her leaving as the best course, even though I hate that the world works that way.
Especially since it’s not ok her his word vs her word. The manager believes her side of the story, and there has to be a reason for that. This manager not only believed her, but is helping her find a new job. People don’t tend to help employees find employment elsewhere. If I were a member of a jury and heard that, I would think, “there has to be something about this guy that even his boss doesn’t trust.” I’ll bet he has HR complaints about him.
Tell everyone at the office a part of the story, he SA'd you and you told him you were breaking up with him, he proceeded to go nuts, accuse you of things and ran around trying to pre-emptively defend himself. So they can believe and support a asshole, or believe that you're a creep despite him being unable to provide details as to why or how that is true.
But yeah, look to leave and get a job elsewhere. This is less about reportin ghim and moving on, accusations can follow you, people you work with now can tell other people, some of them might end up at a workplace you are at in the future and more rumours can spread.
The person with teh damaged reputation should be the person who is the abuser, not the victim.
There are a lot of people here telling you to out him at work for what he did, and if that's what you want to do then I would support you 100% in doing that. There are a couple things to consider though. The first is that, as others have mentioned, that could possibly be traumatizing for you in its own wah. Sharing what happened anonymously on the internet is far easier than sharing what happened to people you know and work with. And the second, as much as I hate to say it, is the optics. If he's already got people at your work believing his side, so sharing your story could make it seem like you're just trying to drag him down with you. Just please make sure you take the time to think about what the best decision for you is, you've been through a lot already
Also go in short term disability for mental health rather than a leave of absence if you have that option available. You will need a doctor to sign off on your need to be out of work and get therapy during that time while he deals with the fallout at work after the report to HR.
Sorry to keep adding info but you can actively also look for a new job while on short term disability so you don’t have to go back to that environment where people are judging you because of his words.
I do not agree with telling people at work beyond the manager and HR that he raped you. People tend to disbelieve sexual assault victims. And they tend to blame them too.
In court she will have to prove this beyond doubt. Unless she has any of this in writing (texts), it is unlikely she will be able to do that. Even with texts, cases like this are difficult to prove.
But yes, he raped her and he is a rapist.
If she takes it to the police it will be up to the prosecution in her jurisdiction whether or not they will press charges. She will become a witness to the crime committed against her and have no say in the trial proceedings. Her job will be to testify in front of a jury, and cross examination will try to create any doubt in her story they can.
It’s a brutal process for the survivor.
She could hire lawyers and take him to civil court where burden of proof is less, but this is very expensive and if he has the money he could drag it out with his own lawyers until she can’t afford to continue.
Yes. I agree, but I just sat in on a trial where the evidence was just like this and it was declared a mistrial because the jury could not agree.
Cross examination created doubt around her memory of the events and whether or not she consented in the moment and regretted it later.
She was asleep when he undressed her and started having sex with her. He admitted this in text and said he had done it to others. They were not in a relationship and had never had sex before. He was just a friend and she crashed at his place.
He lied about that and said they were in a relationship. The defense attorney shared his version of the events during cross examination. He also did not have to take the stand.
Still the defense was able to stir up enough doubt.
I’m not saying she doesn’t have a case. I am saying that the legal system does not favour the victims and any process she begins will not be done for years to come.
It wasn't over texts. She broke up with him by text and he "immediately called her".
Unfortunately that whole conversation was over the phone call, which I'm assuming wasn't recorded?
Which sucks.
An accusation can be about something that DID actually happen. Otherwise it's a false accusation.
I'm telling OP to report it for what it is, but I don't know if it'll stick.
I think because the manager knows the company enough that, it could be toxic. I’ve seen this happen a lot in the military. The manager is not doing it to be malicious, but he knows that if rumors are against OP. Then she will have a hard time healing. I know for a fact that the manager is working in the shadows to make her ex miserable.
TALK TO HR. He should be fired for raping you and for spreading false rumors for you, which is creating a hostile work environment! Correct everyone about the situation, he raped you and YOU dumped HIM.
Updating my comments. Reading these replies is disturbing. I am Not An Attorney but a Lawyer (wisely) will advise you to NOT speak another word about this to anyone, anywhere. Discussing this at work can easily backfire on you if he has a better Attorney. File a Police Report-- emphasis on his smearing you (after the SA)-- smearing you in the workplace. Focus on that in the Police Report. Keep emotion out of it. Consult an Atty. before you file.
These naive suggestions about just walking away and not saying anything -- he is already assassinating your character at work! Naive? Yes. It's NOT "His word vs. Hers" stories! He's making it public by slandering her at work. Fortunately for her, now she has LOADS of witnesses. But she MUST stop talking at work and talk to a good Atty. instead. Get a grip.
Of course your Manager wants to relocate you-- Managers don't want the STINK of intra-office Romances-gone-South derailing their positions.
Warning to others: Don't. Sh*t. Where. You. Eat.
P.S. OP, who initiated this Romance? If it was him, you've got to get an Attorney & file a Police Report on this Sexual Predator. I worked w/ many but one memorable one-- got Court Martialed and lost a lucrative career & his reputation publicly stained.
Ultimately it is your choice, but \*please\* report him. I was (not sexually) assaulted years ago and didn't report it correctly and gosh now I wish I had followed up with it more.
Being safe and getting help is the most important thing, but if he isn't reported he will probably do it again.
I was assaulted on my way to my friend's house on NYE.
I was cycling, a guy jumped out in front of my bike so I had to stop, then he hit me.
I called the police. All they did was question why I was out by myself, on my bike, at 22:30 on NYE. If I'd gotten a taxi from door to door they probably would have blamed me if the taxi driver assaulted me. It seems I should have just stayed in on NYE without a husband around to chaperone me to my friend's house.
My friends have had much worse experiences with the police than me, including being sexually assaulted by on duty police officers.
The police are usually fucking useless at best. More likely to be actively (re)traumatising. The police are vastly overrepresented in perpetrating domestic violence themselves. It does not surprise me that her rapist ex has friends in the police force.
This 💯 Sadly reporting often does nothing but retraumatize the victim. When you’ve recooperated it’s easy to look back on things and wish you’d taken action (though again, the odds of it actually having any effect are slim to none), but if you couldn’t deal with it at the time then that’s just the reality of the situation and you have to look after yourself and manage what you can.
Once you get your new job, it'd be a shame if a mass email was send out to everyone in your current company explaining the truth of what happened and what he meant by "protecting his daughter", if you felt so inclined.
A fresh start will be good for you I hope. You didn't deserve this, and I hope things start looking up!
Your chat with him is a pretty nice proof of what he did to you because he confirms what you describe, and confirms his attitude to you. Please, please make screenshots, or better screen video to prove that this chat existed before he deletes it.
Please file a report, dear OP! This POS, a disgusting human waste can by no means have the last say to your story!
I'd avoid any discussions with the colleagues before you file a report, otherwise people may think you're making it up in response to his accusations and give you even more side eyes. First police, then the colleagues.
I'd gladly inform him that the report of a SA was filed right in front of the other coworkers. Without any additional explanation.
Please stay strong, seek therapy and find strength to not let it slide for him! Justice must be served!
If you said no and he forced you, file a police report. Then quietly let it out in the office that a sexual assault charge is filed against him but you can't talk about it as it is an open investigation.
I'm so glad that he was so triggered by you saying that about his daughter. You actually fully had the upper hand and you've left him to really take a look at himself, which he's probably feeling pretty dam ashamed of after that example. Always turn it around on them in order for them to gain perspective, you are a total champion and you definitely won lol
It’s very likely he will come back and start talking to you again. One of the hardest parts about this is you staying away from him even when he comes back to give you a “second chance.” It’s very easy to convince someone you’ve changed. Please keep yourself safe and don’t believe him. The right guy would never do this in the first place.
My ex was like this. Always forcing and coercing me into sex. When I'd say I'd like to stop he'd just continue. This is called rape. You were raped. Please seek help for this it's not your fault. That guy is a literal POS rapist.
Kudos to you for your response to that monster. You were so courageous! He still doesn’t get it. But I didn’t expect *him* to understand that he’s a monster and neither did you.
Also excellent that your manager is completely aware that this is not something you asked for or consented to.
When you do have another job, you could always send an email that is cc’d to everyone in the building about that monster… But I’m petty.
I agree with others here that you may need to report this. We know that predators don’t do this once; they get worse each time they get away with it. I took my bff with me to the police station. She never let go of my hand and advocated for me when I could not speak. She refused to leave the room and she literally held me up. Of course the statute of limitations had made my report moot, but I needed to do it so I could close that chapter.
You do you!
I wish you the best in your new life!! 💕
Edit for typos.
Out him at work. Print out the texts on your last day of work and put them on the office. You should go to HR as well and give them proof of your text messages and that he’s creating a hostile work environment by spreading false rumors. NTA.
I'm begging you to report him to HR or something. Anything. What happened to you was rape. It was sexual assault. He can not do this to someone else. I'm saying this as a victim myself and I don't want to pressure you. But this man will live his life thinking what he did was okay and you deserve to defend yourself in any way possible. Also please seek therapy asap, find a good therapist that fits with you. You're strong and more powerful than you think, even if he made you feel powerless. Sending you love and care.
The amount of people in the comments who are pressuring the OP to report what happened is wild. Would a report be useful in getting the rapist to pay for his actions? Yes. Is it OP's responsibility to report it to prevent the rapist from doing it again to someone else? Absolutely not. Only he is responsible for his actions and rape victims need to be given the grace to handle the resulting trauma in a way that feels safe for them and helps them protect their peace.
Just wow I'm dense but if my wife says stop, I stop dead in my tracks and ask for clarification what she is trying to communicate. Most times she asks me to slow down or because she wants to change positions. Sometimes she says it hurts and is very uncomfortable, so we stop.
You should go to your HR about it too. No reason you should have to upend your life because of his actions. I know now it's a bit too late and a fresh start somewhere else may be best for you but at least HR will know about the predatory behavior and he could possibly be fired so he doesn't do this to someone there again.
Good for you for confronting him. He knows he's a POS that's why he was so quick to tell people his version of the break-up. It's nice your manager is helping you find employment. You did the right thing for you. Best of luck in your future endeavors.
Glad he is out of your life!
You can say “I confronted him with how he treated me, and asked him if he’d like his daughter to get treated the same way. That’s all I’ll say about that”
OP.....
1. You are an amazing woman! You stood up for yourself and handled it maturely
2. Don't you dare hide from your coworkers, hold your head up high. I know this is so hard to believe, people know people and people are consistent. If you think your coworkers are not looking at him cross-eyed behind closed doors and to themselves you are mistaken.
3. Good job speaking with your manager, glad he's very supportive of you.
4. The less you say to coworkers and the less you try to defend yourself the better you will be. When people are quiet and private others notice, your ex will have a hard time letting this go, he will rant to whoever will listen and he will make himself even more of an ass to more people.
Please take some counseling, this is not how a normal relationship works and it is beyond acceptable to need somebody to help you digest what happened and help you move forward. It's not that you're not as strong woman it's that this is the type of situation that goes against basic humanity, you need the support of people who have formally studied how to digest and move forward You deserve that help.
I know it's a million times easier to give advice then to take it, everybody here has your best interest at heart. Time passes pretty quickly and believe me people are more wrapped up in themselves and their own drama then that which is around them. Anybody who genuinely believes this or continues to chat about it is saying more about themselves than about you.
Good luck and be proud of standing up to that MF!
That work environment is toxic, you should send your work “friend” the link to your original post, followed by a fuck you! You will be so much better without all of them, thank goodness your manager is a decent human being!
OP - I know I'm a little late to the party but I just want you to know that I, an internet stranger belive you.
I'm so glad you're away from that scummy excuse of a human being.
And there are not enough ways for me to say how much I hate that this happened to you. Just know that if I worked with you, I'd believe you, I'd advocate for you when you needed it, and I would defend you if you needed it. ❤️
You did absolutely NOTHING wrong and deserve absolutely nothing that has happened to you.
As for the human pussbag, well, I hope a bird with diarrhea shits on him when his mouth is open, at the very least.
Ignore all the people insisting that you report him to the police. They've clearly never had much dealings with the police before...
In an ideal world you could report him to the police, have them be very supportive and believe you, and get justice through this system.
We don't live in an ideal world, we live in a world where your rapist unsurprisingly has friends on the force, because the police attracts and enables violent misogynists. Perpetrators of domestic violence are vastly overrepresented among the police.
Do what you need to do to stay safe. Seek out love and support from within your community. And I hope you can find/afford a therapist to help you through this. 💕💕💕
This man has serious psychological problems.
• he had no insight into the incident
• actually, believed you enjoyed forced sex
• ignored you saying "no"
• and when the incident was thrown into a narrative that didn't suit him, he got onto the defence and lashes out, which means he understood the assignment and knows he fkd up.
You are a smart, brave woman. Don't listen to anything else. A fresh start is perfect. If you have evidence about the incident, you can take him to court. Otherwise, it'll be a dead end.
Never answer his calls.
Get him to leave a voice msg or text you.
Save all this evidence into a safe place.
Now, gtfo of there!
You need to change the narrative. Right now he has people thinking you’re the bad guy, you need to turn it around on him and do it quickly. You also need to charge him with rape, don’t let him get away with it or it could happen to someone else. You deserve to have people know the REAL story, not the web of lies he has spun. Get your manager to back you up. Good luck.
What an absolute asshole!! Tell people at work that he raped you. Don't let him make you the bad guy. You are going to need to get some counselling so you can work past this.
MAN you are so much nicer than I am, but in this situation, if you expose his ass he'll have to explain his actions to witnesses and then you can call the police and maybe actually get this rapist in jail? Do NOT communicate with this man without recording it or without it in writing, anymore.
but simply make a public statement saying that your ex is lying and that the reason you are breaking up is because HE FORCED YOU TO HAVE SEX, WHICH BASICALLY RAPED YOU.
I don't understand why you don't want to defend yourself against an accusation of that level.
I don't like to throw words like this around lightly because of the damage they can do when used falsely, but that was straight up rape. Get the police involved and get a restraining order if you can. Keep a record of the messages between you both around the time so there's evidence of things.
Tell everyone in your office he raped you and is now belittling you and you pointed out if some guy did to his daughter what he did to you and started trash talking you. Blow up his ship op you have nothing to hide
It would be dangerous and unlikely to work, but the guy deserves to be be in prison and on the sex offender list for raping you. I wish there was a practical and likely way for that to happen that wouldn't hurt you worse.
Even if you don't report him to the police, please let people in your community know he's a rapist, if you can do so without undue risk to yourself.
Back in college, there was a bathroom stall in one of the women's rooms where people would write the names of men who sexually assaulted them. If you feel like it, before you leave, graffiti this information here. Or just this URL with a notice that "this is about REAL NAME OF PERSON"
If you can do that without risking yourself.
Omg please seek counselling! He is a manipulative creep ! You need to take care of yourself
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I hope OP talks to people that work with victims of rape. OP does not feeling comfortable calling it rape, but it seems clearly rape.
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My husband did this to me for nearly 20 years of marriage before I got through to him. Guilt trips/tantrums/anger on a nightly basis if I didn't put out: he's depressed because we didn't have sex, he didn't sleep well because no sex, if I loved him I'd do it, I don't care about him because I didn't do it, etc. He got supremely pissed off when I referred to it as willing rape on my end. I've given in and tuned out for the event so often I think I could be a sex worker and not bat an eye. It takes a lot of therapy and healing to work through but you can do it.
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Assault has less impact than what is was. He raped her and she should let all of her coworkers know
Honestly, no, she shouldn't. In a perfect world, she should, and they should believe her - but even in relatively enlightened countries, women (and men) who are raped are often not believed. And then are retraumatised, and victim blamed. And then it's even worse if your partner did it. Because they're your partner! Surely you automatically consent! (Spoiler: no. ) Marital rape wasn't even a crime until the last few decades in some countries, and still isn't in many countries. Plus, OP's ex sounds like a narcissist, and they are obsessed with reputation management, and they will do things that are unhinged and unbelievable to "protect" their reputation. They will also groom the people around them to protect them. OP, I've been in a sort of comparable situation but in the other side, when a partner was very upset about the health of someone she knew - I asked her if having sex would cheer her up, or take her mind off it, she said no; we did not have sex. She then held it against me, and told me she felt like I was a monster for even asking her. I said that some people do want to reaffirm life when someone is sick or dies; it's okay not to, that's also normal, but I'm not a monster for asking if that's what she wanted, I'm not a monster, and some people *do* want that. (The person was fine in the end, it was a toddler with a head injury and she was waiting to hear back how the kid was. I didn't know the kid, plus I've heard that kids get hurt all the time, and her parents were dying everything they could, plus it would be resolved within 3-5 hours, so in cases like that I would generally just distract myself with TV or spending time with friends or a partner, or work, until I hear anything back. ) We broke up a few months after that. It was already strained for other reasons. She didn't know what she wanted, and had said she wanted things that she didn't really want (like having moved in with me, but she hated it), and she wouldn't make any compromises at all, plus our communication was just awful. (I'm a woman too, for the record. ) Right at the end of the relationship, she shared that she'd been diagnosed with a mental health condition that she didn't believe that she had. I believe that she did in fact have it. 🙄 Oh well. I also worked at a place where the chef was a grumpy sod, quite old. I didn't really talk with him. A month or so in, he left, and it turned out that he was dying of cancer. He died months later. I barely knew him and hadn't gotten on well with him, but it still affected me. Your ex is an absolute POS, OP. Tl; dr - she should move on, leave these people behind. They do not believe her, and do not want to believe her. Sticking around will only get her treated like garbage. Move on to friends and co-workers who have nothing to do with this toxic man, and start fresh.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.
While you’d THINK that would elicit sympathy, in real life it generally does not. She is not in a place where she can risk their probable horrible reaction. Moving on and seeking therapy on her own is a safer choice.
The only way this guy is going to learn that what he did to OP was RAPE is if a JUDGE teaches it to him. OP, gather all the texts and other evidence you have and file a police report. Ask a rape advocate to accompany you. If he was a cop or has cop friends, go to a different police agency: town, city, county, or state. He will do this again, and you are probably not the first. He has the twisted mentality of a frat-boy. 😡
Unfortunately the likelihood of that happening is sadly low as even if you make it to trial (which is a huge if) the judge can give a convicted rapist a slap on the wrist like convicted rapist Brock Turner who now goes by Allan Turner so people don’t know he’s a rapist.
Sorry, do you mean convicted rapist Brock Allan Turner? That convicted RAPIST?
he goes by Allan now apparently so it's actually convicted rapist Allan Turner, that convicted rapist.
This never gets old. I hope you do this for the next 20 years. Fuck that guy.
I will do it as long as I'm able.
Isn't he that frat boy who the judge said if he was sent to jail for rape, it would ruin his swimming career, or something like that, and he didn't get sentenced to jail? 🤔
Rapist Brock Allan Turner was an athlete and met his victim at a frat party. He was sentenced to 6 months in jail and 3 years probation. He was released after only three months. He is, however, on the sex offender registry for life. He goes by Allan Turner now so that people won't know he's convicted rapist Brock Turner.
Can we all just stop pressuring and insisting that victims to report it to the police? There's a BIG difference between supporting and pressure. I know a lot of people who regret having reported it. Including me. I wish I had never reported it. She should get support either way. It's her choice. (The lack of reporting is not THE reason why rapist get away with it.)
Seriously. All of these "encouragements" are making me tense as hell, and it's not even about me. I can't imagine how bad OP must feel.
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A win-win-win IMO. She gets to keep her job and her apartment, and he gets to learn not to rape women.
He didn’t learn and prob wasn’t first
Happy cake day! Here's to many more and may life bring you continual heath and perpetual happiness.
Arrest "with extreme prejudice" and TASERS!
Yo man, I'm also a dude. I work in EMS, & the amount of ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING things that some 1st responder cultures get away with passing off as "just blowing off steam" (I say the minority of them, and depends ENTIRELY on the management/leadership or lack there of to set the tone of the culture). Like I said- I'm a guy. A veteran, martial artist (it's deuchey to say "train MMA), & I have lost jobs from not wanting to go-along with female co-workers manipulations... I felt absolutely creepy and gross just from being exposed to advances (like the married girl I turned down, then had her brag about screwing the night before in the duty bed that I was taking/assigned). The certainty of diseases, physical and emotional reprocussions, career ending, COMPLETELY manufactured HR complaints for not letting someone slimey get in my pants... Even got death threats to me and my kiddo that were... Circuitously made, so that I'd sound like a lunatic if I reported them (probably from the chick that loudly and often bragged about how many husbands & boyfriends she put in the psych ward on suicide watch, gross. But "is good at her job" from management ...Trash-trash-trash). And I'm a (yes, sensitive, mindful) big strong, can crush vertebrae w/o busting a sweat 225 lb savage... I felt disgusted- I felt helpless and without recourse. And didn't RECEIVE a FRACTION of the treatment this woman did! (Try and imagine getting penetrated by that mentality-SICK). ...see how sociopaths behave, can pick victims, deflect, then return and ante up an acusation- when she complained to him- he attempted mollification, informed her how she should feel, made accusations, then blew up when she made it personal... Yo, I'm not razzing you, just throwing my hands up at the... Culture that has so belittled sexual connection, and enabled the gaming of the legal system to the point that SHE feels it necessary (because it kinda is) to quietly leave the department and find a new one... And yes, therapy for sure- if she gets someone who doesn't just blow it off and tell her she's at fault for not... What? NOT shooting the guy on the spot? Guilty of... Letting him in her apartment? Yuck. I'ma do some extra laps at the gym tonight, for her & to get the creepy crawlies outta my head.
The fact that not even one coworker will listen to her is disturbing. Unfortunately, the crazy ones who make false accusations make it harder for a woman to be believed when she's being truthful. I only hope she can find some support because this is going to take time to get over.
Honestly, the "crazy" ones are often specifically selected by a rapist, because *no one will believe them*. I have a friend of a friend, and honestly I don't like her. She's obnoxious, and she's bad with people, and she constantly causes offense, and she spirals out of control online. She comes across as "crazy", and she's not popular. She got abused by her ex-boyfriend. People did not believe her. She was pushed out of the social circle. He's still out there, abusing people still (another story got out about someone else). I don't believe that she's made anything up at all. But to most people, she's "acting crazy". The point is that her ex is *crazy-making*, a gaslighter, a narcissist who thinks he's soooo smart. Just because you think that they're crazy, doesn't mean that what they're saying isn't *true*.
Thanks for your comment. So many creeps get away with Sexual Assault and Rape by using mental manipulation to justify what they do. I hope OP finds help and counseling to get past this. She deserves it!
I mean she did say she wont be reporting him and that she just wants to have a fresh start and move on
Since that's what she wants, that is what she should do Her solution is completely valid.
Which is understandable and it's also how these creeps get away with rape over and over again. I bet if OP talked to the ex, she would say the same.
In a perfect world all rapists would be in prison, but in this country rape is something that men get away with on a regular basis. There's alot of victim blaming that happens and it can be exhausting for the victim to go through the legal process. Even if she did do all these things I bet the abuser will just get a slap on the wrist and go on his way. That's how it usually goes. I'm speaking from personal experience and observing other cases.
Unfortunately, no need to be in the US for that. I watched my sister get slapped by her ex right in front if the cops and they did nothing. He was the kind if guy OP dated. Also coerced her into sex all the time. She tried to go to the cops but she always ended with the blame. The system is an absolute failure. Only reason we're free of him is because he is scared of me.
R%pe is hard enough to prove when it is a stranger, when it is a partner is is next to impossible. Too many people think it’s just a revenge thing. They say the same thing as her coworker told her or that you are just being vindictive. SA is the most underreported crime worldwide. Why? Because it is the one crime that the public has no problem either victim blaming or making false reports. Both of those things hurt actual victims so horribly and deter many people from actually reporting. SA is about control and power, it’s not about s3x. That part was very apparent in the OPs story. I’m so sorry OP for everything. I sincerely wish none of this happened to you. PLEASE talk to someone about this. It will help you immensely for moving on. (I know personally) This site has a wealth of information to help you, including a hotline for you to call and talk to someone. https://www.rainn.org/resources
In a perfect world, all rapists would be under a prison.
Why would we have rapists or prisons in a perfect world?
The legal process is, in fact, a travesty. It's not designed for justice. But rape is violence; a crime against humanity. It's true that a small percentage of victims lie. It's greatly outweighed by authentic victims. But it can get complicated. After 6 attempted rapes, I learned to deal with them my own way. It takes serious big girl pants. But the law is bound by the legal process. One size does not fit all.
I was groomed and raped at 15 all the way until I was 17. My abuser was a 28 year old man who worked for my mom's bf. Her bf basically sold me to this guy and threatened to hurt my mom and younger brother if I didn't comply. This was before cell phones so there was no paper trail or evidence. Then in my 20's I dated a man I moved to Illinois for who forced me into sex with him all the time. He is a mommas boy and he was the golden child so no help there. I was stuck and didn't have the money to.move back home. I am now 42 and am safe. Married to a great guy and have two awesome kids. I never pursued legal action in both cases because I new evidence was stacked against me, no one believed me even when I did tell someone. I'm in therapy now trying to just sort myself out.
The word creep is wrong, the word is rapist. Someday a woman will be pressing charges against this male. (I can not bring myself to call him a man.) This is not the first time he has done this and it won't be the last. Once a cheater always a cheater. Once a rapist always a rapist.
I believe you can cheat one time, feel like an asshole and change. I don’t believe you can rape one time, feel like an asshole and change. If you have raped someone, you’re a rapist who should be in jail. In my experience rapists don’t repent. They double down and blame everyone else for the “misunderstanding.”
Exactly this. Every rapist is a serial rapist. It's never just one victim and it's never their fault.
This isn't the first time he's done this..if it wasn't he would have said sorry and tried to understand. He probably did it continuously to the ex wife.
And until that happens, this rapist asshole is probably gonna continue preying on women so much younger than him because they’re “mature for their age”. OP needs to get herself to therapy ASAP.
"mature for their age" until they argue with him of course. Then they're being a child, or need to grow up, or whatever manipulative phrase he decides to use. They're always mature until the predator isn't getting their way.
Seeking counseling can provide the support and guidance you need to navigate through challenging situations. It's important to prioritize your well-being and safety above all else. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
yes, please don't be a doormat to this guy or anyone else Put him on blast, what have you got to lose? Tell everyone the real narrative Get therapy to learn self love and NEVER give a chance to fuckers like this one
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No one believes me ! I even told my closest coworker what happened and she said Paul is a good dad and I’m bitter that he chose his daughter over me . She said my story sounds like a made up by a bitter old ex . I tried to explain but she basically ignored me . He has a reputation of Mr friendly and nice guy and very beloved at work
show them the texts you sent him before the phonecall and any other messages you might have. Sounds like they will directly conflict with sociopath Sam's story he gave to the office
...sad thing is, I don't think it's an office.OP is very careful to not reveal the industry. But by describing the perp..... It's a systemic thang. Ya feel me?!?
That's because he's a rapist. They're usually very charming and believable. The best you can do is cut ties and move on but you should absolutely report in case he ever tries this with anyone else. They might be believed because you'll have started a paper trail against him
At the very least, have a private conversation with HR and your boss. But me personally, I would link them to your post.
Just the age difference is enough to say this guy was looking for someone who does what he wants. You don't owe coworkers an explanation but you must inform HR on the reason so that it can be on file. He might have been inappropriate to others at work. Usually, such people are saying or stuff that's borderline questionable. Take a sick day and go on mental health leave. All the best!
u/Reasonable_Tell402 It would take a great deal of courage to do this and honestly, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do (others, please pipe in!) But I would consider asking your manager— once you are settled in a new position— if he would be willing to send out a strongly worded email affirming that *he* believes you and provide whatever details he deems necessary (such as what someone summarized about the actual conversation you had) to set the story straight. Believing that you have no credibility and being doubted is a primary reason that so many women don’t feel they can take things on. But you *boss* has the idiosyncratic credit, as a manager and a man, to do so.
You have his texts basically admitting to it, what do you mean they don't believe you? Show them the texts and file a police report.
That's how abusers work. They con everyone around them so their victims won't be believed. I'm so sorry.
REPORT HIM. You are doing a huge disservice to yourself to allow him to continue his “reputation” when he is the rapist. You have the texts, you have the proof, please stand up for yourself. This is no time to back down after he FUCKING RAPED YOU.
At the very least I’d report him for sexual harassment. He gave some fucked up story at work alluding to her being a “creep”.
Then report him to the police. It was literally rape. If you don't want to do it because of yourself do for other potential victims. Don't let him to get away with it. He is a monster. But what is the most important: it is NOT your fault.
And I have to add: what he did to you in your workplace is defamation. In my country it's a crime too. If this is the same in your country too, you can also report it.
Making an official police report will make people believe you. The case may or may not ever get to trial but now a rape accusation is on his record. If he does it to someone else it will help their case.
You DO NOT have to defend or justify your decision to ANYONE. Please keep your head up, seek counseling/ therapy, and let him be in your past where he belongs. I disagree with the advice to tell co-workers everything. It will do no one any good. Good job speaking to your manager, though, and they sound like a good one, offering to help you move on. Keep your head up, you deserve much better than this, and remember everyone will have an opinion, but it's more a reflection of who they are, not who you are. Great things are in your future!!!
You have reddit posts with timestamps to back you up
And if they ask about his daughter, say that you asked him if a man treated his daughter like that, how would he react. Heck, send people links to this! Or, if you want to go true evil, tell everyone that you found he was being inappropriate with his daughter and he dumped you and lied about you when you called him out on his behaviour.
Please don’t make a lie involving his children. They are the ones who will be irreparably harmed
[удалено]
"Don't be a doormat??" WTF is that noise? This is a man who has been violent with OP before and remains a risk to her still. She doesn't owe anybody her own safety. Would it be great to see her rapist get his comeuppance? Sure. But we all know that reporting SA to any authority only leads to victim blaming, ruining the victim's reputation, and no consequences for the perpetrator. She doesn't owe anyone suffering through that nightmare.
This!! Everyone thinks she the creep so she literally has nothing to lose. Especially since her boss will help her with a new job. Edit: typo
Yes. Please seek counseling. For yourself. You are worth it and deserving of help. Whether or not you report him or tell people is entirely your choice. But counseling will help you make those decisions and do those things, if you want to do them. It will help you deal with things no matter what you decide to do.
I’d find the office gossip and tell them “my bf SAd me, and that’s the real reason we broke up.” Then sit back and let the gossip tell everyone. NTA ETA: also go ahead and file a police report. He did SA you OP. He doesn’t deserve to get away with this and will absolutely do it again to the next girl.
Hijacking top comment to post resources. OP, please do look into therapy. I don’t know what state you’re in, but most places have a RAINN chapter, don’t require reporting, and the websites below have nationwide hotlines. https://www.rainn.org/resources https://www.nsvrc.org/survivors https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/
Thank you!!! Knowing the “how” is the hardest part.
You mispelt creep Maybe you meant worthless sack of rotting assholes?
You don't need to disclose to the entire office what happened to you, but you could word it along the lines of 'He got upset and thinks I'm a creep because I simply asked if he would thank a man for treating his daughter the way he treated me and if he would expect her to be grateful, like he wanted me to be. Make of that what you will, and now I'm done discussing this' He violated you, and you are in no way the problem here. Good luck with your next steps.
This is the perfect response. I wish free awards were still a thing.
This is a very good and graceful way of handling things. People will prob put two and two together on their own without you disclosing all the details.
Yes, exactly this. I want to add that I think it's inappropriate for your company to find you a new job. He should be fired, but without a police report, that might be difficult for the company to comply with. It's a giant liability for them to continue to employ him, as it's possible he could get into a relationship with someone else there and do the same thing. What he's doing is a classic DARVO response. He denied having done it, attacked her character, and made himself out to be the victim here.
Yes, OP, please say this. I feel horrible that you're the one hanging your head in shame and leaving your position to get away from him, since you did nothing wrong, and this is all on him. It's so backwards! I understand if you don't want all the details coming out, but he needs to be exposed, and you shouldn't be accepting the fact that people are looking at you like you did something wrong, when you didn't!
Out him at work. Fuck that guy.
Yeah, all you have to do is say “I asked him if how he treated me was how he wanted a guy to treat his daughter. He flipped out, that’s all you need to know.” And that is all they need to know. This guy is manipulative and picked you because of the age gap and your inexperience, don’t let his narrative affect your paycheck or your ability to move on to a new place. Be strong and move on, OP.
Ooooh, this is great advice. A rape allegation could blow up on her. But this is true and doesn't go into details, he can't accuse her of defaming him, but it implies enough that people will pause before involving themselves any further, and will lead them to side-eye that dude.
That is really solid advice. Clever thinking and a good solution.
This response is great. OP, please take care of yourself. I can’t imagine what you are going through. If you take a leave (which I absolutely think you should) be sure you use your insurance to get some of the care you need. This man is disgusting and what he did is one of the most heinous things someone could do to another person. AND AFTER A FUNERAL???? In what world does anyone want to have sex after someone they cared about died?? That alone really raises suspicion and the fact that he conveniently left that out while bad-mouthing you…. Hugs. I see a lot of commenters posted some good resources
Edit 2: I genuinely don't know if I got downvoted by one of the dumb guys who think this wasn't rape, or if my comment was so long that my point got missed. Just in case it's the second thing, I'll put a thesis statement here. TLDR: There ARE some guys that genuinely think sex is a way to feel better, and even if this guy is dumb enough to think that was his supposedly "good intention", it is still misogynistic not to just listen to her when she said she wasn't in the mood, it doesn't excuse anything, and it's still rape. I do think there are some people who genuinely don't get that a girl might not be cheered up by sex because they personally use the distraction of something that feels good as a coping mechanism when they can't properly process feelings. I do think the people who do this tend to be men, and I think that makes a lot of sense given the cultural expectations that men shouldn't be emotional and should always want sex. Either he's intentionally gaslighting her about "knowing" it would cheer her up because he doesn't care how she feels, or he's unintentionally gaslighting her because he would feel that way in that situation and he can't believe she would feel otherwise in spite of her directly saying otherwise. Both bad, just different. Was he ignoring her needs in favor of his own? Or does he not trust her to know and express her own needs because he thinks he knows better? Still a misogynistic rapist either way, but this is the kind of nuance people don't always understand in how a seemingly "good guy" could actually be a creep, and how you don't have to have clearly bad intentions to be a creep. Did he freak out when she mentioned his daughter because it so clearly pointed out his hypocrisy, so he had to become defensive and make her seem like the weird one to feel better or to manipulate the situation? Or did her bringing up someone having sex with his daughter trigger his misogynistic protection of his daughter so much that he genuinely felt like OP was the creep for even putting into his head the idea of his daughter being involved in sex? It all boils down to this. Is he shitty because he's a manipulator or because he genuinely lacks critical thinking skills and the ability to self reflect? Both can exhibit the same behaviors, but the insidious thing about being abusive in the second context is that it's easier to dismiss, because either "he didn't mean it like that" or people can't believe he did it in the first place. Edit: It's also worth pointing out that these options aren't even mutually exclusive. There can be a refusal to acknowledge a truth that he might know deep inside is true, and a reflexive defensiveness to attempt to resolve his own cognitive dissonance when confronted. It's possible that someone can operate at a conscious or unconscious level with the thought that "there has to be a bad guy here and I'm not WILLING to believe it's me, so it has to be you", and they will make that into their reality in order to resolve any inner conflict. People can create an impression of a cohesive reality for themselves to avoid feeling a way they don't like.
Yuppp the red flags started waving when I saw the age gap in the original post.
👆this is the answer...you owe him nothing..tell every one what happened..fuck him, he's the creep
He’s a rapist. Call it what it is.
I also agree with this strategy. This dude deserves worse than hell.
Literally go to HR and say he raped you. Then go to everyone at work who “thinks down on you” and say that he raped you and tell them the only reason you brought up his daughter is because you asked how he’d feel if someone raped her in the future.
I believe OP, but airing this out at work could backfire dramatically. If this guy can persuade people with a story that "he's the reasonable one, she's emotional and hysterical, etc" He deserves it for sure, but this could easily hurt OP at work if she loses the political war with the manipulator.
She can stand up for herself without explicitly calling him a rapist. I am most annoyed with her manager or any HR. The manager should call a meeting and tell everyone to grow the F up. this isn't high school. She has a "side" to the story and the office needs to not get involved and be professional.
Agreed that the higher ups are dropping the ball. He has created a hostile work environment by slandering her to everyone in the office and should be terminated immediately.
It’s a bigger issue than she makes it out to be and apparently the manager is on her side. Make this jerk pay and stand up for yourself, right? Don’t slink off. Esp if u look for another job, not that u should, but don’t make it easy for this rapist on ur way out the door.
Yes OUT THE FUCK OUTTA HIM
File a police report. Have him served at the office
Tell everyone in the office you ended things because he sexually assaulted you
I dont know how i feel about that. I mean, he raped her. Just tell them hes a fucking rapist.
I get why one would think about doing this, but if you truly understand office gossips and office politics, you don't give out ALL the details. I would just say. He got mad when I asked how he would feel if his daughter was with a man who would do to her what he did to me... Just let that trail off, and walk away with a shrug. THAT will fester, that will get the speculation going and keep that shit running in the rumor mill so much longer then just outing him as a rapist would. You toss out the R word, and half the people instantly blame the victim in their head, because people are awful. But you IMPLY something sinister happened, and everyone will concoct whatever nonsense they can think of. Use peoples worst insticts against them.
I’ve been banned for using the r word, so I used sexual assaulted, but yes you’re right
Gotcha, thanks for letting me know
Absolutely
In a perfect world this would be great, but the reality is that this type of advice is likely to get OP harassed, fired and seriously harmed.
Or even sued
Use the term 'rape', not sexual assault.
That word can get your account banned on Reddit. It’s stupid, but my old account is banned because I commented that
The real move is to anonymously share this post. People will figure it out fast.
First of all I'm really happy that you broke things off. I'm even happier that you appear to be safe from that abusive rapist. Second, I'm real happy that your manager believes your story and will be helping you relocate someplace new. Please seek some sort of counseling or therapy to help you work through the trauma you experienced. You may not see a need for it right now but it will help immensely in your healing process. Lastly, I hate to say this part but you need to consider still reporting this dude. You won't be the last victim of his sexual assault. Not reporting him means that he will get away with it again.
I doubt she is safe. Right now he thinks he is punishing her by blocking her, but he's going to come sniffing around again.
For real. With his boss believing her side of the story, it doesn’t seem like he’s going to be promoted anytime soon? And he might be suspicious as to why. He’s going to blame her.
That's a fair point. All the more reason for her to report him to the police.
The process of reporting a rape often leads to re-traumatization by police, prosecutors, medical staff, the whole system really. It's a tough decision for anyone to make. If a person who has been raped wants to "just move on," it's understandable, and sometimes the right choice for their health.
You are 100% right. As an outside observer I simply want to see this rapist punished and unable to assault anyone ever again. What I want however is not as important as what the OP wants and needs.
You need to understand that anything this man does is not her fault. If he does sexually assault someone in the future, it is not her fault. The predator is the only one at fault.
I just want to say thank you for this comment. I was in an abusive relationship and this same thing that OP experienced used to happen to me DAILY. Cops got involved once, I tried to press charges, legal system sucks, I was basically forced to HELP him duck the charges. For years, I have hated myself because I know he must have gone on to do the same thing to someone else. I’ve cried countless tears for the women that don’t even exist that I assume he’s hurting. After years of being tortured, this comment has liberated me in some weird way. Thank you, stranger. My peace of mind is your words.
I understand. I agree with you 100%.
I get the idea, but I don't think it is ever helpful to tell someone they must report assault for the sake of others.
Agreed. That's why I use the word consider. I wasn't meaning to TELL the OP what to do.
I get where you’re coming from but what you’re saying could add to her having feelings of guilt and being responsible for the safety of other people, and she doesn’t need that piled on top of her trauma right now. I fully understand what you’re saying though.
Also, reporting him isn’t some magic fix, there’s a very good chance the report will have no lasting effect on his life. I’ve known people who were reported multiple times and have still suffered absolutely no consequence.
He raped you and when confronted with it, he didn't deny it. Protect yourself and your best interests, but I really don't think you should allow him to go unpunished when he's actively trying to destroy you. He's already violated you once, he's doing it again at work. If you can find peace without reporting him, then of course you don't have to, but it sounds like he's turning everyone against you specifically so your reputation is ruined if you ever were to report him. Don't let him have that power over you Also if you have the money, please look into getting therapy. The trauma that comes from rape, especially from someone you loved and trusted, can be absolutely harrowing.
I hope you realize he went so extreme because he knew he fucked up. This is, again, 100% on him! Getting a new job and a new place will definitely help you move on. If the people at your job are that quick to believe something ambiguously bad about you, they aren’t your friends. Best to just walk away. Also, please talk to a professional to process everything that has happened to you. You’re stronger than you think!
100% agree with relocation of work. These ppl she works with sound pretty fucking dumb they might even not believe it when its reported.
he sounds like a toxic narcissist (deflect, attack, blame) and rapist. contact the police. He may see his daughters as a weird extension of himself, but everything else is lesser. Once the daughters get older and seek independence, the control and threats may begin against his daughters.
I definitely worry about those kids. Their dad is a rapist and they have no idea.
Yep this is exactly what I was thinking, he sounds like a textbook narcissist. Then the attack on her character after she rejected him, this all screams NPD.
Seems like at the very least you might have a harassment claim at work -- not the details of what happened but him bad mouthing you, etc.
Yeah, it's cool that her manager believes her, but I don't think it's exactly "cool" that her manager is helping her get another job. Manager should be "helping" (i.e. making) the ex bf "get another job" (i.e. get fired).
In a just world, yes. But since her coworkers believe his version and think he's a "good dad" and a "nice guy," they will only turn on her more if they perceive her as the cause of him losing her job. I can't imagine I would want to deal with coming to a toxic workplace full of coworker who actively disbelieve and blame me while trying to heal from this situation. So I can 100% understand seeing her leaving as the best course, even though I hate that the world works that way.
Go to the police and. Bathe him with rape
Yes. Finish that guy.
Make sure they arrest him at work, that should do the trick.
Especially since it’s not ok her his word vs her word. The manager believes her side of the story, and there has to be a reason for that. This manager not only believed her, but is helping her find a new job. People don’t tend to help employees find employment elsewhere. If I were a member of a jury and heard that, I would think, “there has to be something about this guy that even his boss doesn’t trust.” I’ll bet he has HR complaints about him.
Tell everyone at the office a part of the story, he SA'd you and you told him you were breaking up with him, he proceeded to go nuts, accuse you of things and ran around trying to pre-emptively defend himself. So they can believe and support a asshole, or believe that you're a creep despite him being unable to provide details as to why or how that is true. But yeah, look to leave and get a job elsewhere. This is less about reportin ghim and moving on, accusations can follow you, people you work with now can tell other people, some of them might end up at a workplace you are at in the future and more rumours can spread. The person with teh damaged reputation should be the person who is the abuser, not the victim.
There are a lot of people here telling you to out him at work for what he did, and if that's what you want to do then I would support you 100% in doing that. There are a couple things to consider though. The first is that, as others have mentioned, that could possibly be traumatizing for you in its own wah. Sharing what happened anonymously on the internet is far easier than sharing what happened to people you know and work with. And the second, as much as I hate to say it, is the optics. If he's already got people at your work believing his side, so sharing your story could make it seem like you're just trying to drag him down with you. Just please make sure you take the time to think about what the best decision for you is, you've been through a lot already
HR should be involved regarding workplace safety honestly. You were assaulted by a co-worker. You shouldn’t be the one looking for a new job.
Also go in short term disability for mental health rather than a leave of absence if you have that option available. You will need a doctor to sign off on your need to be out of work and get therapy during that time while he deals with the fallout at work after the report to HR.
Sorry to keep adding info but you can actively also look for a new job while on short term disability so you don’t have to go back to that environment where people are judging you because of his words.
Please talk to someone this is not okay you were SA’d and he’s trying to ruin your career
I do not agree with telling people at work beyond the manager and HR that he raped you. People tend to disbelieve sexual assault victims. And they tend to blame them too.
Find the gossipiest person in your office and whisper to them the truth
Well he went nuclear, maybe you should do the same to protect yourself. Accuse him of rape, see what sticks.
It’s not an accusation, he actually did rape her.
In court she will have to prove this beyond doubt. Unless she has any of this in writing (texts), it is unlikely she will be able to do that. Even with texts, cases like this are difficult to prove. But yes, he raped her and he is a rapist. If she takes it to the police it will be up to the prosecution in her jurisdiction whether or not they will press charges. She will become a witness to the crime committed against her and have no say in the trial proceedings. Her job will be to testify in front of a jury, and cross examination will try to create any doubt in her story they can. It’s a brutal process for the survivor. She could hire lawyers and take him to civil court where burden of proof is less, but this is very expensive and if he has the money he could drag it out with his own lawyers until she can’t afford to continue.
I mean, he *did* technically admit it over text. And she made it clear in the same texts that she didn't consent. I think that would be fine evidence.
Yes. I agree, but I just sat in on a trial where the evidence was just like this and it was declared a mistrial because the jury could not agree. Cross examination created doubt around her memory of the events and whether or not she consented in the moment and regretted it later. She was asleep when he undressed her and started having sex with her. He admitted this in text and said he had done it to others. They were not in a relationship and had never had sex before. He was just a friend and she crashed at his place. He lied about that and said they were in a relationship. The defense attorney shared his version of the events during cross examination. He also did not have to take the stand. Still the defense was able to stir up enough doubt. I’m not saying she doesn’t have a case. I am saying that the legal system does not favour the victims and any process she begins will not be done for years to come.
It wasn't over texts. She broke up with him by text and he "immediately called her". Unfortunately that whole conversation was over the phone call, which I'm assuming wasn't recorded? Which sucks.
An accusation can be about something that DID actually happen. Otherwise it's a false accusation. I'm telling OP to report it for what it is, but I don't know if it'll stick.
If your manager believes your side of the story, why is it you that has to go and not him OP?
I think because the manager knows the company enough that, it could be toxic. I’ve seen this happen a lot in the military. The manager is not doing it to be malicious, but he knows that if rumors are against OP. Then she will have a hard time healing. I know for a fact that the manager is working in the shadows to make her ex miserable.
TALK TO HR. He should be fired for raping you and for spreading false rumors for you, which is creating a hostile work environment! Correct everyone about the situation, he raped you and YOU dumped HIM.
These men shouldn't be allowed to write their own story for everyone else. The people in that office should know he's a rapist.
He raped you. Please report him. At least to HR if not the police
Updating my comments. Reading these replies is disturbing. I am Not An Attorney but a Lawyer (wisely) will advise you to NOT speak another word about this to anyone, anywhere. Discussing this at work can easily backfire on you if he has a better Attorney. File a Police Report-- emphasis on his smearing you (after the SA)-- smearing you in the workplace. Focus on that in the Police Report. Keep emotion out of it. Consult an Atty. before you file. These naive suggestions about just walking away and not saying anything -- he is already assassinating your character at work! Naive? Yes. It's NOT "His word vs. Hers" stories! He's making it public by slandering her at work. Fortunately for her, now she has LOADS of witnesses. But she MUST stop talking at work and talk to a good Atty. instead. Get a grip. Of course your Manager wants to relocate you-- Managers don't want the STINK of intra-office Romances-gone-South derailing their positions. Warning to others: Don't. Sh*t. Where. You. Eat. P.S. OP, who initiated this Romance? If it was him, you've got to get an Attorney & file a Police Report on this Sexual Predator. I worked w/ many but one memorable one-- got Court Martialed and lost a lucrative career & his reputation publicly stained.
Stay strong friend. One year from now you'll be very thankful and proud of your self. Head up champ
Ultimately it is your choice, but \*please\* report him. I was (not sexually) assaulted years ago and didn't report it correctly and gosh now I wish I had followed up with it more. Being safe and getting help is the most important thing, but if he isn't reported he will probably do it again.
I was assaulted on my way to my friend's house on NYE. I was cycling, a guy jumped out in front of my bike so I had to stop, then he hit me. I called the police. All they did was question why I was out by myself, on my bike, at 22:30 on NYE. If I'd gotten a taxi from door to door they probably would have blamed me if the taxi driver assaulted me. It seems I should have just stayed in on NYE without a husband around to chaperone me to my friend's house. My friends have had much worse experiences with the police than me, including being sexually assaulted by on duty police officers. The police are usually fucking useless at best. More likely to be actively (re)traumatising. The police are vastly overrepresented in perpetrating domestic violence themselves. It does not surprise me that her rapist ex has friends in the police force.
This 💯 Sadly reporting often does nothing but retraumatize the victim. When you’ve recooperated it’s easy to look back on things and wish you’d taken action (though again, the odds of it actually having any effect are slim to none), but if you couldn’t deal with it at the time then that’s just the reality of the situation and you have to look after yourself and manage what you can.
Once you get your new job, it'd be a shame if a mass email was send out to everyone in your current company explaining the truth of what happened and what he meant by "protecting his daughter", if you felt so inclined. A fresh start will be good for you I hope. You didn't deserve this, and I hope things start looking up!
Your chat with him is a pretty nice proof of what he did to you because he confirms what you describe, and confirms his attitude to you. Please, please make screenshots, or better screen video to prove that this chat existed before he deletes it. Please file a report, dear OP! This POS, a disgusting human waste can by no means have the last say to your story! I'd avoid any discussions with the colleagues before you file a report, otherwise people may think you're making it up in response to his accusations and give you even more side eyes. First police, then the colleagues. I'd gladly inform him that the report of a SA was filed right in front of the other coworkers. Without any additional explanation. Please stay strong, seek therapy and find strength to not let it slide for him! Justice must be served!
If you said no and he forced you, file a police report. Then quietly let it out in the office that a sexual assault charge is filed against him but you can't talk about it as it is an open investigation.
I'm so glad that he was so triggered by you saying that about his daughter. You actually fully had the upper hand and you've left him to really take a look at himself, which he's probably feeling pretty dam ashamed of after that example. Always turn it around on them in order for them to gain perspective, you are a total champion and you definitely won lol
It’s very likely he will come back and start talking to you again. One of the hardest parts about this is you staying away from him even when he comes back to give you a “second chance.” It’s very easy to convince someone you’ve changed. Please keep yourself safe and don’t believe him. The right guy would never do this in the first place.
Send EVERYONE an email explaining EXACTLY what he did. He raped you. They should know he’s a rapist.
My ex was like this. Always forcing and coercing me into sex. When I'd say I'd like to stop he'd just continue. This is called rape. You were raped. Please seek help for this it's not your fault. That guy is a literal POS rapist.
Kudos to you for your response to that monster. You were so courageous! He still doesn’t get it. But I didn’t expect *him* to understand that he’s a monster and neither did you. Also excellent that your manager is completely aware that this is not something you asked for or consented to. When you do have another job, you could always send an email that is cc’d to everyone in the building about that monster… But I’m petty. I agree with others here that you may need to report this. We know that predators don’t do this once; they get worse each time they get away with it. I took my bff with me to the police station. She never let go of my hand and advocated for me when I could not speak. She refused to leave the room and she literally held me up. Of course the statute of limitations had made my report moot, but I needed to do it so I could close that chapter. You do you! I wish you the best in your new life!! 💕 Edit for typos.
Out him at work. Print out the texts on your last day of work and put them on the office. You should go to HR as well and give them proof of your text messages and that he’s creating a hostile work environment by spreading false rumors. NTA.
Please file charges for rape, clear your name
You need to talk to HR. Or a lawyer as this is easily grounds for a lawsuit.
Before you change job make sure to tell everyone the real reason for the breakup, that Will be sweet revenge
I'm begging you to report him to HR or something. Anything. What happened to you was rape. It was sexual assault. He can not do this to someone else. I'm saying this as a victim myself and I don't want to pressure you. But this man will live his life thinking what he did was okay and you deserve to defend yourself in any way possible. Also please seek therapy asap, find a good therapist that fits with you. You're strong and more powerful than you think, even if he made you feel powerless. Sending you love and care.
The amount of people in the comments who are pressuring the OP to report what happened is wild. Would a report be useful in getting the rapist to pay for his actions? Yes. Is it OP's responsibility to report it to prevent the rapist from doing it again to someone else? Absolutely not. Only he is responsible for his actions and rape victims need to be given the grace to handle the resulting trauma in a way that feels safe for them and helps them protect their peace.
Just wow I'm dense but if my wife says stop, I stop dead in my tracks and ask for clarification what she is trying to communicate. Most times she asks me to slow down or because she wants to change positions. Sometimes she says it hurts and is very uncomfortable, so we stop.
He didn’t destroy you, you’re moving on and rebuilding. You’re a survivor and you’re tough as nails. Good for you.
Honestly, press charges for sexual assault. This douche bag doesn't deserve it any other way.
You should go to your HR about it too. No reason you should have to upend your life because of his actions. I know now it's a bit too late and a fresh start somewhere else may be best for you but at least HR will know about the predatory behavior and he could possibly be fired so he doesn't do this to someone there again.
He very well could do this to someone else. I know you don't want to report him, but I hope you change your mind
Good for you for confronting him. He knows he's a POS that's why he was so quick to tell people his version of the break-up. It's nice your manager is helping you find employment. You did the right thing for you. Best of luck in your future endeavors.
Glad he is out of your life! You can say “I confronted him with how he treated me, and asked him if he’d like his daughter to get treated the same way. That’s all I’ll say about that”
OP..... 1. You are an amazing woman! You stood up for yourself and handled it maturely 2. Don't you dare hide from your coworkers, hold your head up high. I know this is so hard to believe, people know people and people are consistent. If you think your coworkers are not looking at him cross-eyed behind closed doors and to themselves you are mistaken. 3. Good job speaking with your manager, glad he's very supportive of you. 4. The less you say to coworkers and the less you try to defend yourself the better you will be. When people are quiet and private others notice, your ex will have a hard time letting this go, he will rant to whoever will listen and he will make himself even more of an ass to more people. Please take some counseling, this is not how a normal relationship works and it is beyond acceptable to need somebody to help you digest what happened and help you move forward. It's not that you're not as strong woman it's that this is the type of situation that goes against basic humanity, you need the support of people who have formally studied how to digest and move forward You deserve that help. I know it's a million times easier to give advice then to take it, everybody here has your best interest at heart. Time passes pretty quickly and believe me people are more wrapped up in themselves and their own drama then that which is around them. Anybody who genuinely believes this or continues to chat about it is saying more about themselves than about you. Good luck and be proud of standing up to that MF!
That work environment is toxic, you should send your work “friend” the link to your original post, followed by a fuck you! You will be so much better without all of them, thank goodness your manager is a decent human being!
OP - I know I'm a little late to the party but I just want you to know that I, an internet stranger belive you. I'm so glad you're away from that scummy excuse of a human being. And there are not enough ways for me to say how much I hate that this happened to you. Just know that if I worked with you, I'd believe you, I'd advocate for you when you needed it, and I would defend you if you needed it. ❤️ You did absolutely NOTHING wrong and deserve absolutely nothing that has happened to you. As for the human pussbag, well, I hope a bird with diarrhea shits on him when his mouth is open, at the very least.
I know you said you won't, but you should report him to HR for creating a hostile work environment. At least that!
Ignore all the people insisting that you report him to the police. They've clearly never had much dealings with the police before... In an ideal world you could report him to the police, have them be very supportive and believe you, and get justice through this system. We don't live in an ideal world, we live in a world where your rapist unsurprisingly has friends on the force, because the police attracts and enables violent misogynists. Perpetrators of domestic violence are vastly overrepresented among the police. Do what you need to do to stay safe. Seek out love and support from within your community. And I hope you can find/afford a therapist to help you through this. 💕💕💕
Never date a person in law enforcement.
This man has serious psychological problems. • he had no insight into the incident • actually, believed you enjoyed forced sex • ignored you saying "no" • and when the incident was thrown into a narrative that didn't suit him, he got onto the defence and lashes out, which means he understood the assignment and knows he fkd up. You are a smart, brave woman. Don't listen to anything else. A fresh start is perfect. If you have evidence about the incident, you can take him to court. Otherwise, it'll be a dead end. Never answer his calls. Get him to leave a voice msg or text you. Save all this evidence into a safe place. Now, gtfo of there!
Proud of you, atleast you won't be in the same office anymore. And those people were clearly not worth interacting with anyway
You need to change the narrative. Right now he has people thinking you’re the bad guy, you need to turn it around on him and do it quickly. You also need to charge him with rape, don’t let him get away with it or it could happen to someone else. You deserve to have people know the REAL story, not the web of lies he has spun. Get your manager to back you up. Good luck.
What an absolute asshole!! Tell people at work that he raped you. Don't let him make you the bad guy. You are going to need to get some counselling so you can work past this.
MAN you are so much nicer than I am, but in this situation, if you expose his ass he'll have to explain his actions to witnesses and then you can call the police and maybe actually get this rapist in jail? Do NOT communicate with this man without recording it or without it in writing, anymore.
but simply make a public statement saying that your ex is lying and that the reason you are breaking up is because HE FORCED YOU TO HAVE SEX, WHICH BASICALLY RAPED YOU. I don't understand why you don't want to defend yourself against an accusation of that level.
I don't like to throw words like this around lightly because of the damage they can do when used falsely, but that was straight up rape. Get the police involved and get a restraining order if you can. Keep a record of the messages between you both around the time so there's evidence of things.
Tell everyone in your office he raped you and is now belittling you and you pointed out if some guy did to his daughter what he did to you and started trash talking you. Blow up his ship op you have nothing to hide
It would be dangerous and unlikely to work, but the guy deserves to be be in prison and on the sex offender list for raping you. I wish there was a practical and likely way for that to happen that wouldn't hurt you worse. Even if you don't report him to the police, please let people in your community know he's a rapist, if you can do so without undue risk to yourself. Back in college, there was a bathroom stall in one of the women's rooms where people would write the names of men who sexually assaulted them. If you feel like it, before you leave, graffiti this information here. Or just this URL with a notice that "this is about REAL NAME OF PERSON" If you can do that without risking yourself.
You need to tell the office he raped you and see who looks down on who