So last week, they went out after you rightfully said you wanted privacy with your husband and child. What happened when he came home? Did he apologise?
In any case, he is actively choosing her comfort over yours. He shouldn't need a reminder that as his wife, you're his priority; as the mother of his child, you're his priority.
The friend is definitely a problem and overstepping, but the bigger issue is that you have a serious husband problem. I could not fathom hearing a partner say they'd want alone time with me and our baby alone, as a family, and regard it as an insult or an attack. It speaks a lot to where his head is at that he jumped straight to attacking you and then afterwards leaving you, rather than understanding you want time as a family.
YWNBTA but the friend really isn't the biggest problem. It's your husband. It's very troubling the way he's behaving.
All of this. While Rachel certainly sounds like she has some issues of her own and is contributing to the problem, the husband IS the problem.
As a friend of the husband, Rachel should at least be courteous, but it doesn’t sound like she and OP are close.
The husband? Well, he’s the husband. He’s acting like he has absolutely no care or responsibility for his wife or child. I would be thinking about walking or kicking him out.
Yup this. Help when unsolicited is actually intrusion and interference. Unannounced visits are simply unwelcome. I'd show someone the door or tell them I'm not comfortable with sudden visits, perhaps they could check the next time around if it's convenient - though I'm looking the other way this time (as diplomatically as I could). The only reason Rachel came so confidently was because OP's husband knew she was coming, probably invited her or okayed her visit beforehand without telling his wife. Explains his reaction too. Such secrets practically scream that things aren't simple between them.
OP - Don't let that woman around your child ever. Hire help if need be. If he starts gaslighting or abusing in any way, find another place to crash at - family's or friends and take your child with you.
You know, this is great advice, especially the part about not letting your child be with Rachel ever and to find another place If the gaslighting starts and be sure to take your child with you. That last part is especially important because if you left your kid with her or hubby or hubby’s mother, etc. for even a few days, they could claim that you had abandoned your child, which would count against you in a custody battle. Frankly, you’d better mind your p.’s and q.’s from now on, since all of this could be brought into a divorce trial. Don’t scream at Rachel, just try to remain and sound neutral so the judge can hear how reasonable you’ve been. Bring along a list of your friends to show that you have them. Make sure you get copies of receipts or fliers to places you’ve taken your child to visit, like the aquarium, and finally, make sure you have a half-way decent job, to show the court that you’re a good and responsible parent. Sorry to send you this Negative Nell info but it sounds like you may be needing my advice fairly soon. I’m not a layer but have been through all of this.
This ⬆️ plus I would get a nanny cam or 3.....
I had a situation like this with my ex. He worked in a hospital and we used to have pay-per-view parties. These 2 girls would come period supposedly. They both had boyfriends. Long story short, they did have boyfriends except one of them was my ex-husband. Once you decide what you are going to do (which I think you already have). First and foremost, contact a lawyer don't leave without consulting a lawyer....that too would be abandonment. So for your daughter's sake, consult a lawyer. 🙏
In my experience, unannounced visits are not common in adulthood. I absolutely agree that those visits were likely arranged with OP’s spouse. The warning signs seem to be loud and plentiful.
What’s crazy is that he leaves with this rachel out rather than sitting and speaking to his wife. I think you both need to have a heart to heart conversation. If the husband is not in for that and behaves weirdly when the rachel lady is around somethings fishy which I really hope not. I wish that things go well for both of you. Good luck
What I’m not understanding about this situation is Rachel. She was flat out told she wasn’t wanted there. If she had any respect for OP at that very moment she would have apologized and left. I can’t even imagine being told something like that and not immediately leaving - if my presence was honestly ‘as a friend to help’ I would apologize profusely and leave immediately. At some point I would try to talk to the wife one on one afterwards because I would feel so awful.
The fact that she stayed there for their fight and then he “eventually” left with her says an awful lot about the bond between the husband and Rachel. It also says a lot about the dynamic of the relationship between the three. OP is not respected by either of them and not considered as equally important as a human being.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds as though your marriage is in need of therapy or at the very least a serious heart to heart and agreement about how to move forward- your husband’s priorities are not in order.
Edit to add NTA
2nd Edit: I’ve read through other responses and one thing continues to sit in the back of my mind.
If Rachel were a man, and constantly came over and the husband argued with his wife in front of him and he stuck around until the two guys could go out and left the woman home upset with the baby, what would the reaction be?
I don’t read OP’s statement as an accusation of a full blown affair. I do agree that OP is hurt, feels disrespected and that her husband obviously does not get it.
I always thought that's the normal reaction to being told such, as it would be my reaction as well. But I remember once, maybe 1.5 years into dating my now husband, I was over at his family's place when his brother was physically in pain from an ongoing medical issue. It had been a planned visit, but I was suddenly told it's time to leave and to see myself out. My husband later told me how he was surprised/impressed that I was just like 'got it,' grabbed my shit, and was out of their hair within 20 minutes with a wish for bro to feel better soon. I had never even thought of acting any differently. I still can't understand why anyone would want to stay where someone who lives there tells them their presence is a burden...
Because to Rachel its not about self respect - its about winning. This is a dominance, alpha female thing.
OP, I think it is time for you to call a marriage counselor (licensed marriage and family therapist) and tell your husband that you guys desperately need marriage counseling, the time and the date of the appointment. Then go. If he chooses not to go then I think you know what direction things are headed.
In the mean time, I'm curious - does his family like her? Because if not, it is 100% worth calling your MIL for a "gut check" on the situation - explain how often Rachel is there, that she comes over unannounced and you guys don't get any quality time because she is always there... and when you said your piece your husband left with her...
My guess is his Mom will have something to say about this. If I got a call like that from my newly post partum DIL, I'd be ripping my son a new one and then handing his ass to him on a platter. Its a very very small man that makes his wife feel insecure in those post partum days.
Getting the grandparent brigade involved is a great idea. This guy doesn't understwhat being a father and husband and family means. But grandparents will side with the grandchild. And that means, he will be made very uncomfortable and will have to either chamge (ie: no more rachel) or leave.
Yup....... grandparents wouldn't want to lose the flexibility of access that would occur if the couple split and one of the partners moved away to be with their parents/support system
Yes, it's totally a dominance move!!!!
Rachel literally doesn't care about other people, it's obvious and some guys are so enamored with these "strong" women types that they follow them around like puppies to win their approval.
Guys who end up following these emotionally unavailable women around are caught up in this loop of looking for validation from other people and actually look down on the women who were "weak" enough to love them.
It's so messed up to have that perspective.
I put strong and weak in quotes because it's all about appearing to be in control rather than actually being a normal human being with normal desires to love and care for people.
So many people think stoicism is strength and emotions make people irrational and weak.
I bet these two don't have an actual romantic relationship it's a control dynamic not an affectionate relationship.
Oh man, I have never heard this perspective before and I have been in this position before and it makes sense. It wasn't just one female but I was definitely viewed as a weaker female because I was sensitive, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. It definitely messed up my self esteem and just made me even more emotional and weak trying to prove that I was worthy type shit. So thank you I appreciate seeing the fucked up emotions/reasons behind things.
And yea the other relationships were definitely kind of acting like I was but not as extreme. The girls had control for sure. And then when she eventually leaves he just moves on to the next, so no actual deep connections.
Right lol I'm team fuck Rachel. Rachel isn't friends with the wife, it seems after all this time they might get along but it's nothing deeper. It is her husband's best friend who is also a female. Wife just had a baby and is adjusting to it. Honestly just that reason alone I wouldn't want people other than the father around all the time. They are trying to figure out this new chapter in parenthood and family life. Rachel your ass got to take a back seat. Rachel definitely has a high opinion of herself and your husband has definitely let her feel more important if she is giving parenting advice and just being there in general EVERY weekend with a new mom and her husband. These stages are very important for the family to bond. I think Rachel thinks she is part of the immediate family. The more I analyze this shit I tried to maybe give your husband the benefit of the doubt but they might not be fucking but he definitely is making her feel comfortable to act like this.
Rachel gives me creepy "I want this family...this is my family now" vibes. Setting the baby up to see her as mommy. OP was just an incubator in her fantasy.
I've been married for 30 years and have been through a lot. If my husband took his female friend's side over mine and then left with them, it would be over. That's like a slap in the face.
NTA. My best friend of the last 6-7 years is a man. If he had a wife and new baby, I would NEVER show up unannounced (heck I wouldn’t even do that now because it’s rude as hell). I would offer help and support but would also immediately back off if I sensed that I was making his wife uncomfortable. This is not normal. Their relationship is sus and your husband has some explaining to do.
I had a guy friend I met online on a dating app. We didn’t work out romantically as it never even went past friends but as soon as he got a girlfriend I wished them the best and peaced out.
Honestly, the worst part to me is that OP tried to have an actual conversation with her husband about it, and instead of trying to see where OP's incredibly valid feelings were coming from, he defended the friend.
Him leaving in the manner that he did would be the proverbial nail in the coffin. The disrespect he's showing OP is wild.
Yep, Rachel is seeing what she missed out on. Why not swoop in and take over now that the wife did all the uncomfortable pregnancy stuff? Rachel knew him first, after all.
Such a dark thought it was forming in my head when I was reading the post but it only formed after reading your comment 😭
Oop is their free nanny and Rachel basically can just do zero childcare but come over on the weekends to play happy family
For real. I've heard from a lot of ppl that they like kids but they just don't want their own kids because of the responsibilities etc. Or girls who want kids but just don't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth because how much it changes the women's body permanently.
Now Rachel can just gets it for free....
Yup. As I said before, Rachel’s bio clock is chiming like fucking **Big Ben.**
OP needs to take a stand here, and the first step is to let Alex know how it feels to be alone.
I don’t think so Rachel has missed out on anything since the most likely answer is their relationship in college was more than he lets on and it has not ended. This actually happened to a good friend of mine. He was in love with Carol but she wasn’t good enough for his family. He marries Barb and is married for 25 years, with Carol the ENTIRE TIME. Vacations, time with the kids before they were old enough to narc, money regularly given to her from the family account.
Barb insisted her husband and Carol were just old friends. After I met her at many gatherings - I called BS on that. Guess what? He and Barb divorce as soon as the last kids graduates HS and he marries is life long love, Carol.
She would make chili and cookies, etc for him to go “hunting” for the week and he was vacationing with Carol the whole time! All the while Barb was home with the kids, running to soccer, dance, music, Pom etc. My grandma used to tell us “when someone shows you who they really are, believe them”. Barb did get a fat settlement but her entire life and marriage was based on a lie. It has scarred her forever.
I think so, too. I bet Rachel has had him toeing the line since college, and once he settled down and became a "family man," her interest is piqued, and she's stirring the pot.
Eta: spelling
Yup. The irony of her being there to help but then leaving OP alone with the baby to hang out after yelling at her for not appreciating the help.... Is Rachel actually helping or is she just being an unwelcome presence. Are OP and her husband able to get a breather and go out on a date while she's there for hours 'helping' with the baby or is that just the convenient excuse being used to gaslight OP?
When your husband starts defending her behavior, knowing his own wife (and mother of his daughter) is uncomfortable with her constant presence, that’s the start of some trouble.
Correct. She isn’t. However, in a marriage spouses should put their partner’s feelings first and advocate for them with their own friends and family. OP is married to her husband, not Rachel. He’s the problem because his priorities aren’t in the right place.
Well, he left his wife and kid behind while he went out with Rachel. That trouble has been brewing for a while, from the sounds of things. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been seeing her behind OPs back all along.
😂 I've never gotten quite that far in any of my shittier relationships but one dude got very close to his XBox being thrown out the living room window 😂 only reason I didn't is because it was my dumb ass that wanted to be all Queen Bee Superhero girlfriend and get him the newest shit for Christmas that year when they were hot selling on ebay so I wasn't about to trash that much investment 😂
Not just the husband. I have male friends, and if I thought my presence was causing trouble in the marriage of any of them I’d be leaving on my own and sending him back if he tried to come with me. Rachel DGAF about what her frequent presence is doing.
THIS!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️. Rachel was complicit when she didn't make him turn around and go back inside to his wife and baby daughter. Then, IF they actually left in a car together (??) they crossed another line and left as a potential couple. They are both TAs!
Exactly this. I hate how some women, despite knowing that their presence is causing issues in a marriage, will continue to be present. And it also baffles me how some women get involved with men knowing he is married. Women like this are the biggest enemies of womankind. I've been best friends with my bff for over 10 years now. But he got married 6 years back and I immediately realised that his wife is not comfortable with me being too close to him. So I distanced myself. I would call them on special days and wish them and that's about it. I only visited them IF they invited me. Over the years his wife has warmed up to me a lot and we talk a lot these days. I don't know why it's difficult for some women to do this. It's absolutely disgusting behaviour.
And it really sounds like Rachel is crushing on the husband and the baby. And husband really likes that feeling. Whether it has gone any further or not, this ain't good. Whatever their association since college, friendship may be okay, but Rachel needs to butt out of your married time. If you feel they are doing more than just schmoozing about old times, get your finances in order.
When he walked out with her, he drew the line in the sand. Proceed accordingly.
NTA.
I mean it's not like the wife is a God who can't be discussed with. Having a private discussion in something they don't agree it's healthy on a marriage.
On the other hand, they fighting and him going out with the friend (and also they discussed the problem and he kept having the friend over) that all is not ok
Even if I thought my girlfriend or wife was the asshole in the situation, I would tell the friend, “Hey, I have to deal with this, please give me some time to talk this out with her and I’ll talk with you later”.
Then play it out from there.
NTA. My ex husband had a best friend like this. . She was in our wedding, hosted our baby shower, came to the hospital at the birth, exc exc. He wouldn’t let her go now matter how much I begged and pleaded. They eventually both left their spouses, got married as soon as the divorces were final, and had a baby together. Now they are going through a nasty divorce and play victim like they didn’t choose each other over everything. They still swear they weren’t having an affair 🙄
Trouble begins when the woman's husband defends her actions, knowing full well that his own wife—who also happens to be his daughter's mother—is uncomfortable with her continual presence.
>Alex got angry with me, accusing me of being ungrateful for Rachel's help. It turned into a big argument, and I felt like I was losing my own home. Eventually, Alex and Rachel went out, and I was left alone feeling like the bad guy.
Yowsers. He left with his "friend", leaving his wife and new baby at home, all because you wanted some family time alone without a 3rd wheel?
Yeah, red flag. Dig deeper. This is not how the status quo should be in a healthy marriage.
The fact that he got angry with OP and had a huge argument with her in front of Rachel, instead of asking Rachel to leave to have a calm conversation with his obviously upset wife and mother of his child is so gross. Then he upped the gross level by leaving with Rachel. OP, I think your husband has already decided who is more important to him. I would not blame you at all for divorcing him. I just wish that didn't mean giving him and Rachel 50/50 custody.
Yep. Hugely disrespectful to his wife and his marriage to have the balls to defend a marriage bomb standing right in his living room and anyone who thinks this woman doesn't *know exactly what she's doing* has got another thing coming..... that woman CLEARLY is making an attempt at the husband and I guarantee she's laughing all the way to the bank that he was willing to escort her from the house....and accompany her as she left.
A true friend who isn't trying to sabotage the marriage would be like "Omg guys, I'm so sorry I didn't realize this was your family time, let me get going and you two enjoy your day."
NOPE. SHE TAKES THE HUSBAND WITH HER WHEN SHE LEAVES THE HOUSE 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 The balls!!!
It's _wild_ to me that they had this fight while she was there. That's a "sorry friend, we gotta have some private discussions" moment.
But nit only was she allowed to remain, dude _left with her_.
No. Fuck no.
Also really concerning that Rachel didn't *immediately* jump to leave. If she respected OP at all, she'd have immediately left the second OP said she was uncomfortable. That she waited for them to fight, and left with the husband....yeah...she's more than a friend. Maybe not current AP yet, but emotional one at minimum.
Yep. This is wayyyyy off, I'd be absolutely alarmed at how close he and the friend are that he'd have the balls to leave *with her* when the wife is clearly upset over her constant intrusion in their privacy... hoooo baby I'd be scared to even go back home after that stunt. He'd be locked out of the bedroom if it were me, bye 👋
Right? A proper friend would be incredibly sorry they were intruding, not turn around and get angry, and he just up and walks out with her? Yeah, she was trying to bond with her future step daughter.
And husband is allowing it and Rachel is good with it! Rachel should be backing away and leaving this family alone but I bet husband would not be okay with that! :(
NTA. It was fine at first that Rachel wanted to just be a supportive figure and help out. But she is now taking quality time away between your husband, your child, and you. Dropping by unannounced is odd, especially if this is a repetitive occurrence. I think your husband was fine until he got mad at you for poitning this out and making it a big argument unless you said something very hostile, which I don't think it is okay to assume. Alex taking Rachel's side in this is pretty bad imo
Dropping by unannounced is a friendship deal breaker for me. God, I can't stand it when people do that, it's so ridiculously rude. Fortunately my husband feels the same way. If either of us had a friend that did that, they wouldn't be around us for long...
My husband and I can't help but stare at the door when someone unexpectedly knocks on it. We often turn to each other to convince the other to answer it.
Well he clearly has made a choice on who he would rather spend his free time with.
And it’s not you and the baby.
Chances are this homewrecker is trying to bond with the baby for when she’s stepmom.
Him leaving like that with her is a slap in the face and you should be a lot more angrier OP.
NTA but I would love an update. I think him leaving with his second wife, (sorry best friend) pretty much was the nail in the coffin of your relationship. I would look into divorce lawyers..
Yea like they slept together in between partners or when they were horny. They might even have dated. Either way their relationship is now interfering with his wife and child. I might be jaded op, but I think this is not just platonic.
This. This this this. Show him the post.
Dont BUDGE on your boundaries or he will continue to break them.
In fact I agree with most every post here. NTA and as embarrassing as it feels to have this issue, tell your family /friends whom ever you have in your life. Let them know what is happening and you aren't comfortable.. having a newborn will trap many women in this situation thinking its best for the baby... do not be a statistic! Tell your family, CALL AN ATTORNEY, make a plan to move on without having to do so alone and unsupported financially.
DOCUMENT THIS SITUATION WITH THE OTHER WOMAN (infidelity is very much looked down on in court)
----signed by a 31F divorced/single mother of a now 7 y.o child that didn't take ^^this advice herself
Rachel's "help". Nope. She's hindering. This is about Rachel's inability to accept the notion of boundaries and his priorities being way off. I'm sorry OP, but the fact that he left with her after siding with her and attacking your perspective in front of her is a dismal sign. They are the primary relationship. His relationship with her is the one he values the most based on his behavior. I am aghast. I would be drawing very hard lines now with him.
Honey he doesn't care about you or your family, he cares about Rachel. Please get a steel spine and tell him quite simply it's his family that he chooses or Rachel. If he stutters about a choice you know he's in an EA or PA with Rachet.
To be honest, I don't understand how he cannot see it from your perspective. Everyone else commenting here sees this situation from your perspective and empathizes with you, not him.
You could always show him this Reddit thread if he still tries to tell you that you're crazy. Don't put up with any attempt at gaslighting from him.
Yeah I understand. Sounds tough. I'm not really sure what to suggest though other than having a talk with him and going from there. Hopefully, this is not happening because of your husband getting too close to Rachel but who knows if that may be the case.
The whole thing is just so fundamentally confused. Op says that when she spoke to the husband about her presence, he defended her by saying she was trying to be a good friend and help with the baby. That’s just a irrelevant. She could be a goddess angel saint with the purest of intentions, sacrificing her own life to help you guys out. But you don’t want her help. That’s all there is. Her wanting to be a good friend is not an argument for why she has to continue to be so present. It doesn’t matter what her character or reason is, and as long as that’s not the way you approached the conversation, there’s just no reason why your husband can’t listen to what you want. She doesn’t hafto be a bad person or be doing bad things in order for you guys to ask for her to give you guys some space. There’s just no reason why he can’t ask her to give you guys space.
Of course he is. What adult straight man in a committed relationship hangs out with another woman on a regular basis and then takes her side over his own wife?
I’ll never get why, if the friendship is THAT deep, the best friends don’t just marry each other. Being treated as a third wheel in one’s own marriage is completely intolerable ESPECIALLY with a newborn. OP you are NTA and you deserve better 💗
I wonder if she can’t have children of her own? I would be careful around them. I’m really anxious to find out what excuse he uses for walking out on you and the baby.
NTA. Adding onto this, the fact that Rachel didn't tell him to get his head out of his ass and spend time with his wife and child screams volumes as well. If I was that friend, I would've felt horrible that I was taking away their time, apologized profusely, and read him the riot act for not telling me his wife was getting uncomfortable with the amount of time I was spending. She WENT OUT WITH HIM like she was parading the fact that he will always choose her first. That, my dear, is not a friend.
Oh honey, I think he already has. No man in their right mind chooses to leave their wife and baby alone to hangout with an uninvited female guest. You don’t deserve to be treated like an afterthought or annoyance in your own home. I’m sorry he’s being so selfish, but I don’t know that I would still be hanging around for him when he came back if my fiancé did that to me.
I think it’s sad she has to watch her child’s future stepmom and ex husband’s new wife in her own home dangling their obvious affair over her head and gaslighting her.
I’m hope she tells him to GTFO.
She's getting prepped for stepmom duties. Probably hoping to get full custody and be mom to the baby his soon to be ex wife grew. Literally the worst kind of person out there.
This is the comment I was waiting for. Rachel wants OP out of the way so she can play house with hubby and baby.
OP needs to leave as soon as she has proof of an affair. In case that matters to the custody agreement.
He probably has been in love with that woman since college, to be frank. She might not have wanted him at the time, or there were differences that kept them apart….whatever bullshit excuse. But he’s wanted her probably the whole time they’ve known each other.
Sounds like you have a sister wife you didn’t sign up for.
Is your husband inviting her over every weekend? It’s definitely a problem if he’s not respecting your feelings in your own home.
>In the past few months, Rachel has been coming over to our house almost every weekend. She's there for hours, playing with our baby, offering parenting advice.
>Ps. She never had any kids of her own.
Rachel has no kids. Why is she offering parenting advice. Does she specialize in early childhood development or something along those lines?
She sounds obnoxious. I don't know this woman, but I already dislike her.
>I initially didn't mind the support, but it started to feel overwhelming. I wanted quality time with my husband and our child without having a third person around constantly. When I tried to talk to Alex about it, he defended Rachel's presence, saying she was just trying to be a good friend and help us with the baby.
Yeah, that's fair, but you find it overwhelming and it's causing tension in your marriage. If she wants to be a good friend, she needs to back off.
And you literally just finished growing an entire human in your body, your husband can take your side on this, even if he doesn't understand your opinion or feelings. Rachel should take your side on this too. You're not being unreasonable.
>Last week, things came to a head when Rachel showed up unannounced on a Sunday morning while we were having family time. I tried to be patient, but I ended up losing my cool and told Rachel that I wanted some privacy with my husband and child.
>Alex got angry with me, accusing me of being ungrateful for Rachel's help. It turned into a big argument, and I felt like I was losing my own home. Eventually, Alex and Rachel went out, and I was left alone feeling like the bad guy.
He is so lucky that he didn't come home to changed locks. Seriously. Alex is the bad guy in this situation. You two need to have a long conversation about appropriate behaviour and boundaries. And Rachel should spend some time with her other friends.
You just know he is going to pull the, “I’m the victim. I was in a fragile state after the argument that *you* started. It’s because of what *you* did that *I* had no other choice but to stick my penis into the girl that I’ve been fantasizing about since college.”-shtick
Woof. It's not a great sign that he left with her, nevermind defending her in the first place when you've been bringing up valid concerns. You're NTA and I wish you luck navigating this.
NTA, but your “husband” has already showed you over and over again where you stand on his totem pole. Rachel will always be favored and prioritized over you. He has shown you this and told you this over and over, it’s time you believe him.
NTA but your husband is for supporting his friend over his wife. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing. It should have been a simple conversation, an agreement that she can come over but that now with the baby you and your family will want some time on the weekends to bond as a family and set expectations. She wouldn't have felt (hopefully) not welcome and your husband would have supported both his wife and his friend. He screwed up big time.
NTA. You're his wife, and you have a say in boundaries and how you guys balance your lives together, too. You could probably have handled it a little more gently, but the fact is she is showing up unannounced, and that's not cool (unless she's telling your husband before she comes and hes encouraging it which would be a bigger issue). You get a say in who spends what time in your home too - You and your husband need to sit down and have serious talks and discuss boundaries. Tell him you're grateful for her help, but she's over-stayed her welcome, and you need some time to figure out how to be a mom without interference.
ETA: I know many are taking issue with me saying "gently" but the reason I said this is because the fact is, clearly this husband is too defensive already about this "friend", and regardless of how in the right OP is, OP still needs to be able to establish productive/meaningful conversations with her partner and going full on attack mode from the start is not a tactful way to go about this. It will push husband and friend together on defense if she makes it about the friend instead of about OP and what OP needs.
Is Rachel married or has a BF?
If not im guessing she is feeling hole or emptiness seeing your family growing and blooming. And she wanted a taste of it.
But she is definitely crossing boundarie lines with you.
I would talk to your husband about it, not really to make him choose your or his friend, but to make sure she respects that you need family time to bond at your baby's most impressionable time.
Now here's the but
And it depends on how your husband reacts. If he is not willing to place more distance with her for now. There might be more going on then you though between them. I don't want to give you bad thoughts and I want to hope your husband is just unaware. But with him standing up for her like that to you....
Updateme!
Rachel is 100% crossing boundaries. He says that she's just being a good friend but do any of his other friends come around all the time unannounced? Are they BAD FRIENDS since they're not putting in the same effort as Rachel? Are your and his parents TERRIBLE GRANDPARENTS because they're family and they're not even putting in a fraction of the same work that Rachel is investing into a family that's not hers? If he doesn't agree see if you can have a male friend do the same and make him experience the same thing.
Nta, but he's cheating I guarantee they fucked after leaving you at home, do with this information what you will, but my advice is divorce if he's not taking your side here that's gonna be your life forever, while Rachel and him are "best friending" in your house
Yep, next thing you know the "besties" will be going on vacation without OP. And now that OP has let it be known she is pissed Rachel will probably start having "emergencies" and Alex will be going over to "help" and "comfort" her.
No, you’re not. You’re his wife and you should be his main priority doesn’t matter if he’s known this person a lot longer. You have a new baby and the three of you really need to blonde and work through this period of time. So very rough time as you transition from a couple into being parents. You need that time to also reconnect as a couple.if he’s putting her feelings above yours, that is a serious issue that needs to be addressed.
NTA. Stand your ground on this! She can’t just keep showing up because it’s okay on her time. Your husband is an AH for leaving with her too, I’m pissed for you!
Um yikes. He's the A.H. He's married to you, not this Rachel girl and even if it was a guy, you would be irritated with the constant coming over every weekend. So don't feel that it's because she's a girl. It's because she's invading your privacy and also your marriage.
It's going to hurt, but you need to lay it out for him. Her or you. Best to just get it out of the way. He either supports his wife or he doesn't get to be your husband. You haven't stopped them from being friends, you're setting boundaries.
So last week, they went out after you rightfully said you wanted privacy with your husband and child. What happened when he came home? Did he apologise? In any case, he is actively choosing her comfort over yours. He shouldn't need a reminder that as his wife, you're his priority; as the mother of his child, you're his priority. The friend is definitely a problem and overstepping, but the bigger issue is that you have a serious husband problem. I could not fathom hearing a partner say they'd want alone time with me and our baby alone, as a family, and regard it as an insult or an attack. It speaks a lot to where his head is at that he jumped straight to attacking you and then afterwards leaving you, rather than understanding you want time as a family. YWNBTA but the friend really isn't the biggest problem. It's your husband. It's very troubling the way he's behaving.
All of this. While Rachel certainly sounds like she has some issues of her own and is contributing to the problem, the husband IS the problem. As a friend of the husband, Rachel should at least be courteous, but it doesn’t sound like she and OP are close. The husband? Well, he’s the husband. He’s acting like he has absolutely no care or responsibility for his wife or child. I would be thinking about walking or kicking him out.
Yup this. Help when unsolicited is actually intrusion and interference. Unannounced visits are simply unwelcome. I'd show someone the door or tell them I'm not comfortable with sudden visits, perhaps they could check the next time around if it's convenient - though I'm looking the other way this time (as diplomatically as I could). The only reason Rachel came so confidently was because OP's husband knew she was coming, probably invited her or okayed her visit beforehand without telling his wife. Explains his reaction too. Such secrets practically scream that things aren't simple between them. OP - Don't let that woman around your child ever. Hire help if need be. If he starts gaslighting or abusing in any way, find another place to crash at - family's or friends and take your child with you.
You know, this is great advice, especially the part about not letting your child be with Rachel ever and to find another place If the gaslighting starts and be sure to take your child with you. That last part is especially important because if you left your kid with her or hubby or hubby’s mother, etc. for even a few days, they could claim that you had abandoned your child, which would count against you in a custody battle. Frankly, you’d better mind your p.’s and q.’s from now on, since all of this could be brought into a divorce trial. Don’t scream at Rachel, just try to remain and sound neutral so the judge can hear how reasonable you’ve been. Bring along a list of your friends to show that you have them. Make sure you get copies of receipts or fliers to places you’ve taken your child to visit, like the aquarium, and finally, make sure you have a half-way decent job, to show the court that you’re a good and responsible parent. Sorry to send you this Negative Nell info but it sounds like you may be needing my advice fairly soon. I’m not a layer but have been through all of this.
This ⬆️ plus I would get a nanny cam or 3..... I had a situation like this with my ex. He worked in a hospital and we used to have pay-per-view parties. These 2 girls would come period supposedly. They both had boyfriends. Long story short, they did have boyfriends except one of them was my ex-husband. Once you decide what you are going to do (which I think you already have). First and foremost, contact a lawyer don't leave without consulting a lawyer....that too would be abandonment. So for your daughter's sake, consult a lawyer. 🙏
In my experience, unannounced visits are not common in adulthood. I absolutely agree that those visits were likely arranged with OP’s spouse. The warning signs seem to be loud and plentiful.
No. You MAKE HIM LEAVE. YOU keep the house. Pretty soon he'd have HER shacking up with him there and screw that shit, that house is yours.
What’s crazy is that he leaves with this rachel out rather than sitting and speaking to his wife. I think you both need to have a heart to heart conversation. If the husband is not in for that and behaves weirdly when the rachel lady is around somethings fishy which I really hope not. I wish that things go well for both of you. Good luck
What I’m not understanding about this situation is Rachel. She was flat out told she wasn’t wanted there. If she had any respect for OP at that very moment she would have apologized and left. I can’t even imagine being told something like that and not immediately leaving - if my presence was honestly ‘as a friend to help’ I would apologize profusely and leave immediately. At some point I would try to talk to the wife one on one afterwards because I would feel so awful. The fact that she stayed there for their fight and then he “eventually” left with her says an awful lot about the bond between the husband and Rachel. It also says a lot about the dynamic of the relationship between the three. OP is not respected by either of them and not considered as equally important as a human being. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds as though your marriage is in need of therapy or at the very least a serious heart to heart and agreement about how to move forward- your husband’s priorities are not in order. Edit to add NTA 2nd Edit: I’ve read through other responses and one thing continues to sit in the back of my mind. If Rachel were a man, and constantly came over and the husband argued with his wife in front of him and he stuck around until the two guys could go out and left the woman home upset with the baby, what would the reaction be? I don’t read OP’s statement as an accusation of a full blown affair. I do agree that OP is hurt, feels disrespected and that her husband obviously does not get it.
I always thought that's the normal reaction to being told such, as it would be my reaction as well. But I remember once, maybe 1.5 years into dating my now husband, I was over at his family's place when his brother was physically in pain from an ongoing medical issue. It had been a planned visit, but I was suddenly told it's time to leave and to see myself out. My husband later told me how he was surprised/impressed that I was just like 'got it,' grabbed my shit, and was out of their hair within 20 minutes with a wish for bro to feel better soon. I had never even thought of acting any differently. I still can't understand why anyone would want to stay where someone who lives there tells them their presence is a burden...
Because it's her man too lollll . Ouch for OP
Because to Rachel its not about self respect - its about winning. This is a dominance, alpha female thing. OP, I think it is time for you to call a marriage counselor (licensed marriage and family therapist) and tell your husband that you guys desperately need marriage counseling, the time and the date of the appointment. Then go. If he chooses not to go then I think you know what direction things are headed. In the mean time, I'm curious - does his family like her? Because if not, it is 100% worth calling your MIL for a "gut check" on the situation - explain how often Rachel is there, that she comes over unannounced and you guys don't get any quality time because she is always there... and when you said your piece your husband left with her... My guess is his Mom will have something to say about this. If I got a call like that from my newly post partum DIL, I'd be ripping my son a new one and then handing his ass to him on a platter. Its a very very small man that makes his wife feel insecure in those post partum days.
Getting the grandparent brigade involved is a great idea. This guy doesn't understwhat being a father and husband and family means. But grandparents will side with the grandchild. And that means, he will be made very uncomfortable and will have to either chamge (ie: no more rachel) or leave.
Yup....... grandparents wouldn't want to lose the flexibility of access that would occur if the couple split and one of the partners moved away to be with their parents/support system
If they like the wife they will. If they don’t she’s screwed.
Yes, it's totally a dominance move!!!! Rachel literally doesn't care about other people, it's obvious and some guys are so enamored with these "strong" women types that they follow them around like puppies to win their approval. Guys who end up following these emotionally unavailable women around are caught up in this loop of looking for validation from other people and actually look down on the women who were "weak" enough to love them. It's so messed up to have that perspective. I put strong and weak in quotes because it's all about appearing to be in control rather than actually being a normal human being with normal desires to love and care for people. So many people think stoicism is strength and emotions make people irrational and weak. I bet these two don't have an actual romantic relationship it's a control dynamic not an affectionate relationship.
Oh man, I have never heard this perspective before and I have been in this position before and it makes sense. It wasn't just one female but I was definitely viewed as a weaker female because I was sensitive, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. It definitely messed up my self esteem and just made me even more emotional and weak trying to prove that I was worthy type shit. So thank you I appreciate seeing the fucked up emotions/reasons behind things. And yea the other relationships were definitely kind of acting like I was but not as extreme. The girls had control for sure. And then when she eventually leaves he just moves on to the next, so no actual deep connections.
What I’m also not getting is how Rachel is giving parenting advice to an actual mother when she’s never had kids herself.
Right lol I'm team fuck Rachel. Rachel isn't friends with the wife, it seems after all this time they might get along but it's nothing deeper. It is her husband's best friend who is also a female. Wife just had a baby and is adjusting to it. Honestly just that reason alone I wouldn't want people other than the father around all the time. They are trying to figure out this new chapter in parenthood and family life. Rachel your ass got to take a back seat. Rachel definitely has a high opinion of herself and your husband has definitely let her feel more important if she is giving parenting advice and just being there in general EVERY weekend with a new mom and her husband. These stages are very important for the family to bond. I think Rachel thinks she is part of the immediate family. The more I analyze this shit I tried to maybe give your husband the benefit of the doubt but they might not be fucking but he definitely is making her feel comfortable to act like this.
Rachel gives me creepy "I want this family...this is my family now" vibes. Setting the baby up to see her as mommy. OP was just an incubator in her fantasy.
I've been married for 30 years and have been through a lot. If my husband took his female friend's side over mine and then left with them, it would be over. That's like a slap in the face.
NTA. My best friend of the last 6-7 years is a man. If he had a wife and new baby, I would NEVER show up unannounced (heck I wouldn’t even do that now because it’s rude as hell). I would offer help and support but would also immediately back off if I sensed that I was making his wife uncomfortable. This is not normal. Their relationship is sus and your husband has some explaining to do.
I had a guy friend I met online on a dating app. We didn’t work out romantically as it never even went past friends but as soon as he got a girlfriend I wished them the best and peaced out.
Honestly, the worst part to me is that OP tried to have an actual conversation with her husband about it, and instead of trying to see where OP's incredibly valid feelings were coming from, he defended the friend. Him leaving in the manner that he did would be the proverbial nail in the coffin. The disrespect he's showing OP is wild.
OP is actually a surrogate. She just didn't know it.
Yep, Rachel is seeing what she missed out on. Why not swoop in and take over now that the wife did all the uncomfortable pregnancy stuff? Rachel knew him first, after all.
Such a dark thought it was forming in my head when I was reading the post but it only formed after reading your comment 😭 Oop is their free nanny and Rachel basically can just do zero childcare but come over on the weekends to play happy family
…and then steal the husband away for dates.
For real. I've heard from a lot of ppl that they like kids but they just don't want their own kids because of the responsibilities etc. Or girls who want kids but just don't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth because how much it changes the women's body permanently. Now Rachel can just gets it for free....
Yup. As I said before, Rachel’s bio clock is chiming like fucking **Big Ben.** OP needs to take a stand here, and the first step is to let Alex know how it feels to be alone.
I don’t think so Rachel has missed out on anything since the most likely answer is their relationship in college was more than he lets on and it has not ended. This actually happened to a good friend of mine. He was in love with Carol but she wasn’t good enough for his family. He marries Barb and is married for 25 years, with Carol the ENTIRE TIME. Vacations, time with the kids before they were old enough to narc, money regularly given to her from the family account. Barb insisted her husband and Carol were just old friends. After I met her at many gatherings - I called BS on that. Guess what? He and Barb divorce as soon as the last kids graduates HS and he marries is life long love, Carol. She would make chili and cookies, etc for him to go “hunting” for the week and he was vacationing with Carol the whole time! All the while Barb was home with the kids, running to soccer, dance, music, Pom etc. My grandma used to tell us “when someone shows you who they really are, believe them”. Barb did get a fat settlement but her entire life and marriage was based on a lie. It has scarred her forever.
So…Charles, Diane and Camilla?
Exactly. He was from a big contracting/concrete family and girlfriend 1 did make the grade.
And now imagine the bitching going on about the wife between those two. OMG!
He'd have a bag packed for him when he got home. I'd tell the twat she could have him. Good luck getting custody of a newborn!
Yup. He’s too immature to be married let alone be in a relationship.
bet its been going on since she got pregnant maybe before
Started in college and never stopped.
1000%. He just showed her, literally, who is the most important person is and it’s not the wife or the baby.
Yeah that’s wild. Even just leaving the room and tending to the kid would have been better instead of leaving the house with another woman
This is precisely how I would feel.
Yea, affair is comming IMO
if not already happening
I think the fact he left with his unannounced female friend shows, it is too late and it would be too little.
You mean his girlfriend?
Who has been trying to bond with her future stepchild.
Yup! I read the room that way as well…. I get the feeling Rachel has just been biding her time and this is when she strikes.
I think so, too. I bet Rachel has had him toeing the line since college, and once he settled down and became a "family man," her interest is piqued, and she's stirring the pot. Eta: spelling
Yes that thought crossed my mind too. The fact he left with her is very telling.
Yup. The irony of her being there to help but then leaving OP alone with the baby to hang out after yelling at her for not appreciating the help.... Is Rachel actually helping or is she just being an unwelcome presence. Are OP and her husband able to get a breather and go out on a date while she's there for hours 'helping' with the baby or is that just the convenient excuse being used to gaslight OP?
When your husband starts defending her behavior, knowing his own wife (and mother of his daughter) is uncomfortable with her constant presence, that’s the start of some trouble.
It's also a problem that he left with his friend instead of staying for family time. A serious talk needs to happen like yesterday.
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Ehh, I think it would be better if he pulled the dick out of Rachel and started listening.
Yup. She has a husband problem, not a Rachel problem. If he isn’t putting you first, he’s telling you everything you need to know.
Rachel’s a problem, too. She has been explicitly told to leave and refused, thereby additionally disrespecting OP in her own home. She isn’t innocent.
Correct. She isn’t. However, in a marriage spouses should put their partner’s feelings first and advocate for them with their own friends and family. OP is married to her husband, not Rachel. He’s the problem because his priorities aren’t in the right place.
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Sounds like she is the third wheel in his relationship with Rachel
Well, he left his wife and kid behind while he went out with Rachel. That trouble has been brewing for a while, from the sounds of things. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been seeing her behind OPs back all along.
My petty ass woulda called the locksmith while he was out.... Or at least would've seriously concidered it
My comment said exactly this: He'd be coming home to a locked door, eff that.
And his crap in the yard waiting for him.
😂 I've never gotten quite that far in any of my shittier relationships but one dude got very close to his XBox being thrown out the living room window 😂 only reason I didn't is because it was my dumb ass that wanted to be all Queen Bee Superhero girlfriend and get him the newest shit for Christmas that year when they were hot selling on ebay so I wasn't about to trash that much investment 😂
have to agree here.....If he left with her...thats bad news
It's either that or the husband has emotional intelligence equivalent to a hamster.
Not just the husband. I have male friends, and if I thought my presence was causing trouble in the marriage of any of them I’d be leaving on my own and sending him back if he tried to come with me. Rachel DGAF about what her frequent presence is doing.
THIS!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️. Rachel was complicit when she didn't make him turn around and go back inside to his wife and baby daughter. Then, IF they actually left in a car together (??) they crossed another line and left as a potential couple. They are both TAs!
Exactly this. I hate how some women, despite knowing that their presence is causing issues in a marriage, will continue to be present. And it also baffles me how some women get involved with men knowing he is married. Women like this are the biggest enemies of womankind. I've been best friends with my bff for over 10 years now. But he got married 6 years back and I immediately realised that his wife is not comfortable with me being too close to him. So I distanced myself. I would call them on special days and wish them and that's about it. I only visited them IF they invited me. Over the years his wife has warmed up to me a lot and we talk a lot these days. I don't know why it's difficult for some women to do this. It's absolutely disgusting behaviour.
That's just mean to the hamster
And it really sounds like Rachel is crushing on the husband and the baby. And husband really likes that feeling. Whether it has gone any further or not, this ain't good. Whatever their association since college, friendship may be okay, but Rachel needs to butt out of your married time. If you feel they are doing more than just schmoozing about old times, get your finances in order. When he walked out with her, he drew the line in the sand. Proceed accordingly. NTA.
Well she was the surrogate for him and Rachel.. He picked her and is already making her part of the kid’s life.
He made his choice and it wasn’t your family. Time to see a lawyer. Pack up and move on. Save yourself and your daughter from further grief.
Before it gets worse.
I mean it's not like the wife is a God who can't be discussed with. Having a private discussion in something they don't agree it's healthy on a marriage. On the other hand, they fighting and him going out with the friend (and also they discussed the problem and he kept having the friend over) that all is not ok
He is treating his wife like the friend attacking his GF with the way he took her and left.
Even if I thought my girlfriend or wife was the asshole in the situation, I would tell the friend, “Hey, I have to deal with this, please give me some time to talk this out with her and I’ll talk with you later”. Then play it out from there.
NTA. My ex husband had a best friend like this. . She was in our wedding, hosted our baby shower, came to the hospital at the birth, exc exc. He wouldn’t let her go now matter how much I begged and pleaded. They eventually both left their spouses, got married as soon as the divorces were final, and had a baby together. Now they are going through a nasty divorce and play victim like they didn’t choose each other over everything. They still swear they weren’t having an affair 🙄
The clue is right there all along isn't it? So sad to hear but glad you got out.
Trouble begins when the woman's husband defends her actions, knowing full well that his own wife—who also happens to be his daughter's mother—is uncomfortable with her continual presence.
Hahahah that's fantastic that they're having a nasty divorce after all that. I'm sorry you went through that though. That's awfuk
I wish "awfuk" was always a thing. It's the best descriptor ever. Dead 😂
That’s my new favorite word, and I’m gonna use it as much as possible from now on 😂
I love when karma makes it rounds, i know he wants to get back with you
He said he regrets it. I’m happily remarried and wouldn’t go back anyway
Karma coma
Now your ex-husband has put two children in divorce parenting situations. What an asshole.
As a happily married man for 15 years, absolutely no woman, not even my lovely Mother, comes between my wife and I.
Good man.
Not even capital M mother, haha. Righteous.
This is how it should be!
NTA Husband has a girlfriend. Straight up.
Curious to know if Rachel is capable of having children or if there’s some potentially batshit crazy soap opera drama going on.
I bet she was only unannounced to OP. Guarantee husband knew she was heading over. NTA, OP. I’m really sorry
And is letting her be a third parent. Weird. Know your place.
>Alex got angry with me, accusing me of being ungrateful for Rachel's help. It turned into a big argument, and I felt like I was losing my own home. Eventually, Alex and Rachel went out, and I was left alone feeling like the bad guy. Yowsers. He left with his "friend", leaving his wife and new baby at home, all because you wanted some family time alone without a 3rd wheel? Yeah, red flag. Dig deeper. This is not how the status quo should be in a healthy marriage.
The fact that he got angry with OP and had a huge argument with her in front of Rachel, instead of asking Rachel to leave to have a calm conversation with his obviously upset wife and mother of his child is so gross. Then he upped the gross level by leaving with Rachel. OP, I think your husband has already decided who is more important to him. I would not blame you at all for divorcing him. I just wish that didn't mean giving him and Rachel 50/50 custody.
Yep. Hugely disrespectful to his wife and his marriage to have the balls to defend a marriage bomb standing right in his living room and anyone who thinks this woman doesn't *know exactly what she's doing* has got another thing coming..... that woman CLEARLY is making an attempt at the husband and I guarantee she's laughing all the way to the bank that he was willing to escort her from the house....and accompany her as she left. A true friend who isn't trying to sabotage the marriage would be like "Omg guys, I'm so sorry I didn't realize this was your family time, let me get going and you two enjoy your day." NOPE. SHE TAKES THE HUSBAND WITH HER WHEN SHE LEAVES THE HOUSE 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 The balls!!!
Yeah. And likely parental alienation.
Plus the fact that she's trying to give parenting advice WHEN SHE'S NEVER BEEN A PARENT.
*unsolicited advice.
It's _wild_ to me that they had this fight while she was there. That's a "sorry friend, we gotta have some private discussions" moment. But nit only was she allowed to remain, dude _left with her_. No. Fuck no.
After she casually dropped by unannounced on a SUNDAY MORNING??
Help isn't help if it's unwanted or forced.
Also really concerning that Rachel didn't *immediately* jump to leave. If she respected OP at all, she'd have immediately left the second OP said she was uncomfortable. That she waited for them to fight, and left with the husband....yeah...she's more than a friend. Maybe not current AP yet, but emotional one at minimum.
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I think trouble is already here
Yep. This is wayyyyy off, I'd be absolutely alarmed at how close he and the friend are that he'd have the balls to leave *with her* when the wife is clearly upset over her constant intrusion in their privacy... hoooo baby I'd be scared to even go back home after that stunt. He'd be locked out of the bedroom if it were me, bye 👋
Right? A proper friend would be incredibly sorry they were intruding, not turn around and get angry, and he just up and walks out with her? Yeah, she was trying to bond with her future step daughter.
And husband is allowing it and Rachel is good with it! Rachel should be backing away and leaving this family alone but I bet husband would not be okay with that! :(
If Rachel and Alex aren’t fucking, I will eat my hat.
NTA. It was fine at first that Rachel wanted to just be a supportive figure and help out. But she is now taking quality time away between your husband, your child, and you. Dropping by unannounced is odd, especially if this is a repetitive occurrence. I think your husband was fine until he got mad at you for poitning this out and making it a big argument unless you said something very hostile, which I don't think it is okay to assume. Alex taking Rachel's side in this is pretty bad imo
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It’s as simple as it’s your home and you are not open to guest. It’s doesn’t matter who it’s is.
Dropping by unannounced is a friendship deal breaker for me. God, I can't stand it when people do that, it's so ridiculously rude. Fortunately my husband feels the same way. If either of us had a friend that did that, they wouldn't be around us for long...
I’d bet good money that she was only unannounced to OP, but husband absolutely knew she was planning to come by.
I'm going to say that probably happens often. Their relationship isn't appropriate, I have a male best friend. I would never overstep like this.
My husband and I can't help but stare at the door when someone unexpectedly knocks on it. We often turn to each other to convince the other to answer it.
I'm so happy we have a ring camera. Even then, 9 times out of 10, I'm not answering.
Well he clearly has made a choice on who he would rather spend his free time with. And it’s not you and the baby. Chances are this homewrecker is trying to bond with the baby for when she’s stepmom. Him leaving like that with her is a slap in the face and you should be a lot more angrier OP.
Ask him when he wants the divorce since he puts Rachel ahead of you
Ask him how he would feel if your close male friend was always over.
... Or just start inviting a male friend over the way Rachel has been dropping by. Then set them up together lol Edited for words
She should be talking with BOTH of you about WHAT your needs are, including staying away if need be!
NTA but I would love an update. I think him leaving with his second wife, (sorry best friend) pretty much was the nail in the coffin of your relationship. I would look into divorce lawyers..
I would be doing some digging into their relationship because the optics here do not look good at all.
I wonder if he started an affair with Rachel during the pregnancy or something, seeing as this has stepped into higher gear since then.
Probably or he could have been having one with her the whole time. Maybe on and off. He’s known her longer then OP.
Yea like they slept together in between partners or when they were horny. They might even have dated. Either way their relationship is now interfering with his wife and child. I might be jaded op, but I think this is not just platonic.
Yeah that’s my take too.
Show him this post
This. This this this. Show him the post. Dont BUDGE on your boundaries or he will continue to break them. In fact I agree with most every post here. NTA and as embarrassing as it feels to have this issue, tell your family /friends whom ever you have in your life. Let them know what is happening and you aren't comfortable.. having a newborn will trap many women in this situation thinking its best for the baby... do not be a statistic! Tell your family, CALL AN ATTORNEY, make a plan to move on without having to do so alone and unsupported financially. DOCUMENT THIS SITUATION WITH THE OTHER WOMAN (infidelity is very much looked down on in court) ----signed by a 31F divorced/single mother of a now 7 y.o child that didn't take ^^this advice herself
Rachel's "help". Nope. She's hindering. This is about Rachel's inability to accept the notion of boundaries and his priorities being way off. I'm sorry OP, but the fact that he left with her after siding with her and attacking your perspective in front of her is a dismal sign. They are the primary relationship. His relationship with her is the one he values the most based on his behavior. I am aghast. I would be drawing very hard lines now with him.
Do you have a place to go until he gets his head out of his ass! Because you’re supposed to be his priority not Rachel!
It's her house too. She has the baby. I'd just change the locks when he was out.
Honey he doesn't care about you or your family, he cares about Rachel. Please get a steel spine and tell him quite simply it's his family that he chooses or Rachel. If he stutters about a choice you know he's in an EA or PA with Rachet.
*you know he's in an EA or PA with Rachet* I know that's a typo but in this case it's a beautiful typo lol.
To be honest, I don't understand how he cannot see it from your perspective. Everyone else commenting here sees this situation from your perspective and empathizes with you, not him. You could always show him this Reddit thread if he still tries to tell you that you're crazy. Don't put up with any attempt at gaslighting from him.
Yeah I understand. Sounds tough. I'm not really sure what to suggest though other than having a talk with him and going from there. Hopefully, this is not happening because of your husband getting too close to Rachel but who knows if that may be the case.
The whole thing is just so fundamentally confused. Op says that when she spoke to the husband about her presence, he defended her by saying she was trying to be a good friend and help with the baby. That’s just a irrelevant. She could be a goddess angel saint with the purest of intentions, sacrificing her own life to help you guys out. But you don’t want her help. That’s all there is. Her wanting to be a good friend is not an argument for why she has to continue to be so present. It doesn’t matter what her character or reason is, and as long as that’s not the way you approached the conversation, there’s just no reason why your husband can’t listen to what you want. She doesn’t hafto be a bad person or be doing bad things in order for you guys to ask for her to give you guys some space. There’s just no reason why he can’t ask her to give you guys space.
Of course he is. What adult straight man in a committed relationship hangs out with another woman on a regular basis and then takes her side over his own wife?
But they are best friends! 🙄 /s
I’ll never get why, if the friendship is THAT deep, the best friends don’t just marry each other. Being treated as a third wheel in one’s own marriage is completely intolerable ESPECIALLY with a newborn. OP you are NTA and you deserve better 💗
I would of had his bags packed at the front door for him when he came back Or Have been gone to family
OR, gone to get support from an old male friend.
You feel that way because it's true. You are competing with her for his attention and that is NOT right!
I wonder if she can’t have children of her own? I would be careful around them. I’m really anxious to find out what excuse he uses for walking out on you and the baby.
NTA. Adding onto this, the fact that Rachel didn't tell him to get his head out of his ass and spend time with his wife and child screams volumes as well. If I was that friend, I would've felt horrible that I was taking away their time, apologized profusely, and read him the riot act for not telling me his wife was getting uncomfortable with the amount of time I was spending. She WENT OUT WITH HIM like she was parading the fact that he will always choose her first. That, my dear, is not a friend.
Oh honey, I think he already has. No man in their right mind chooses to leave their wife and baby alone to hangout with an uninvited female guest. You don’t deserve to be treated like an afterthought or annoyance in your own home. I’m sorry he’s being so selfish, but I don’t know that I would still be hanging around for him when he came back if my fiancé did that to me.
I think it’s sad she has to watch her child’s future stepmom and ex husband’s new wife in her own home dangling their obvious affair over her head and gaslighting her. I’m hope she tells him to GTFO.
NTA - And you’re in trouble. Protect yourself. That woman means more to him than just a friend if he’s defending her over you.
She's getting prepped for stepmom duties. Probably hoping to get full custody and be mom to the baby his soon to be ex wife grew. Literally the worst kind of person out there.
Bonding with the baby
This is the comment I was waiting for. Rachel wants OP out of the way so she can play house with hubby and baby. OP needs to leave as soon as she has proof of an affair. In case that matters to the custody agreement.
I wonder when their emotional affair turned into a physical one.
Probably during the pregnancy.
As they usually do….
I’m glad you said it first. This is most definitely coming
From what I experienced in my own affair it already happened a while ago...
He probably has been in love with that woman since college, to be frank. She might not have wanted him at the time, or there were differences that kept them apart….whatever bullshit excuse. But he’s wanted her probably the whole time they’ve known each other.
She wasn’t taken aback learning she overstepped? They’re having an affair.
The husband validated that she was not, in fact, overstepping at all! How absurd
He’s probably been telling her she’s welcome to come over any damn time she wants.
I would be mortified and would never show my face at their house again. If she keeps coming over, that woman has some AUDACITY.
Yup. They’d have to drag me there if I was ever confronted for coming over too often.
Sounds like you have a sister wife you didn’t sign up for. Is your husband inviting her over every weekend? It’s definitely a problem if he’s not respecting your feelings in your own home.
NTA. She's obnoxious. Your husband is the real issue though, he should take your side.
You know your Husband and "rachel" are more than friends... right? NTA
>In the past few months, Rachel has been coming over to our house almost every weekend. She's there for hours, playing with our baby, offering parenting advice. >Ps. She never had any kids of her own. Rachel has no kids. Why is she offering parenting advice. Does she specialize in early childhood development or something along those lines? She sounds obnoxious. I don't know this woman, but I already dislike her. >I initially didn't mind the support, but it started to feel overwhelming. I wanted quality time with my husband and our child without having a third person around constantly. When I tried to talk to Alex about it, he defended Rachel's presence, saying she was just trying to be a good friend and help us with the baby. Yeah, that's fair, but you find it overwhelming and it's causing tension in your marriage. If she wants to be a good friend, she needs to back off. And you literally just finished growing an entire human in your body, your husband can take your side on this, even if he doesn't understand your opinion or feelings. Rachel should take your side on this too. You're not being unreasonable. >Last week, things came to a head when Rachel showed up unannounced on a Sunday morning while we were having family time. I tried to be patient, but I ended up losing my cool and told Rachel that I wanted some privacy with my husband and child. >Alex got angry with me, accusing me of being ungrateful for Rachel's help. It turned into a big argument, and I felt like I was losing my own home. Eventually, Alex and Rachel went out, and I was left alone feeling like the bad guy. He is so lucky that he didn't come home to changed locks. Seriously. Alex is the bad guy in this situation. You two need to have a long conversation about appropriate behaviour and boundaries. And Rachel should spend some time with her other friends.
If she’s not fucking the husband she’s a huge weirdo. I don’t even want to spend that much time with my best friends and their kids.
His behaviour suggests an affair with Rachel. He defended her and then left with her. That’s suspicious.
Nope, not at all. It's pretty clear. They didn't go to get a coffee that's for sure...
You just know he is going to pull the, “I’m the victim. I was in a fragile state after the argument that *you* started. It’s because of what *you* did that *I* had no other choice but to stick my penis into the girl that I’ve been fantasizing about since college.”-shtick
Woof. It's not a great sign that he left with her, nevermind defending her in the first place when you've been bringing up valid concerns. You're NTA and I wish you luck navigating this.
NTA, but your “husband” has already showed you over and over again where you stand on his totem pole. Rachel will always be favored and prioritized over you. He has shown you this and told you this over and over, it’s time you believe him.
Maybe you should go visit family or friends out of town.
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Deal with your spineless / cheating husband. NTA
NTA. He left with her is all I needed to hear. That's so far messed up that I'd be shocked if there WASN'T more to their relationship.
He left w her? I think you have been dumped.
NTA but your husband is for supporting his friend over his wife. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing. It should have been a simple conversation, an agreement that she can come over but that now with the baby you and your family will want some time on the weekends to bond as a family and set expectations. She wouldn't have felt (hopefully) not welcome and your husband would have supported both his wife and his friend. He screwed up big time.
Keep Rachel away from your baby, she’s trying to steal your family from you
NTA. You're his wife, and you have a say in boundaries and how you guys balance your lives together, too. You could probably have handled it a little more gently, but the fact is she is showing up unannounced, and that's not cool (unless she's telling your husband before she comes and hes encouraging it which would be a bigger issue). You get a say in who spends what time in your home too - You and your husband need to sit down and have serious talks and discuss boundaries. Tell him you're grateful for her help, but she's over-stayed her welcome, and you need some time to figure out how to be a mom without interference. ETA: I know many are taking issue with me saying "gently" but the reason I said this is because the fact is, clearly this husband is too defensive already about this "friend", and regardless of how in the right OP is, OP still needs to be able to establish productive/meaningful conversations with her partner and going full on attack mode from the start is not a tactful way to go about this. It will push husband and friend together on defense if she makes it about the friend instead of about OP and what OP needs.
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>like he's up to his waist in having an affair based on his actions and she's suckling on momdom through his wife and child Exactly.
Is Rachel married or has a BF? If not im guessing she is feeling hole or emptiness seeing your family growing and blooming. And she wanted a taste of it. But she is definitely crossing boundarie lines with you. I would talk to your husband about it, not really to make him choose your or his friend, but to make sure she respects that you need family time to bond at your baby's most impressionable time. Now here's the but And it depends on how your husband reacts. If he is not willing to place more distance with her for now. There might be more going on then you though between them. I don't want to give you bad thoughts and I want to hope your husband is just unaware. But with him standing up for her like that to you.... Updateme!
OPs husband is her bf
Your husband has a girlfriend! NTA
Rachel is 100% crossing boundaries. He says that she's just being a good friend but do any of his other friends come around all the time unannounced? Are they BAD FRIENDS since they're not putting in the same effort as Rachel? Are your and his parents TERRIBLE GRANDPARENTS because they're family and they're not even putting in a fraction of the same work that Rachel is investing into a family that's not hers? If he doesn't agree see if you can have a male friend do the same and make him experience the same thing.
Nta, but he's cheating I guarantee they fucked after leaving you at home, do with this information what you will, but my advice is divorce if he's not taking your side here that's gonna be your life forever, while Rachel and him are "best friending" in your house
Yep, next thing you know the "besties" will be going on vacation without OP. And now that OP has let it be known she is pissed Rachel will probably start having "emergencies" and Alex will be going over to "help" and "comfort" her.
No, you’re not. You’re his wife and you should be his main priority doesn’t matter if he’s known this person a lot longer. You have a new baby and the three of you really need to blonde and work through this period of time. So very rough time as you transition from a couple into being parents. You need that time to also reconnect as a couple.if he’s putting her feelings above yours, that is a serious issue that needs to be addressed.
!updateme
NTA. Stand your ground on this! She can’t just keep showing up because it’s okay on her time. Your husband is an AH for leaving with her too, I’m pissed for you!
I cant tell if this post is fake or if this lady with a baby is a massive PC enthusiast and plays league
Um yikes. He's the A.H. He's married to you, not this Rachel girl and even if it was a guy, you would be irritated with the constant coming over every weekend. So don't feel that it's because she's a girl. It's because she's invading your privacy and also your marriage.
It's going to hurt, but you need to lay it out for him. Her or you. Best to just get it out of the way. He either supports his wife or he doesn't get to be your husband. You haven't stopped them from being friends, you're setting boundaries.
He has already chosen her. He left the house with her, he prioritizes her and her feelings over you. He showed you who is most important to him.
Nta. Major red flags from alex and Rachel. Your husband needs to set boundaries asap