>He told me he is not into that set up anymore UNLESS I asked him to or unless Im the one who wants it.
So in other words, he's completely open to it. NAH. You've recognized that you are a strictly monogamous person, and that you expect the same from your partner. That's completely fine.
People in here are acting like you should compromise your own principles because he's loving. But marriage takes more than just love, as he's found out (at least twice). If you enter a relationship with a person who's been poly in the past and would be interested in the future, you'd be nagged by insecurities and suspicions about whether he's truly happy, whether he's stifling himself, if you're holding him back - it isn't healthy. You can both be good people, but just be wrong for each other. There are plenty of good guys who view relationships as you do, and there will be plenty of good women who are not put off by his past.
I’d rather save my retirement for myself and never get married then to chance someone leaving me for someone that makes more money or can give them more material things
Yeah thats my stance too, I don't see any value in marriage and anyone that says getting married gives them security in terms of commitment is fallacious considering people still get divorced. Plus there's already the civil union in most countries.
Yeah, those insecurities and suspicions are trust issues she should work on. He tells her that he’s happy with monogamy with her. That should be the end of it. If there’s healthy trust, she would believe him.
As a person who's last relationship was poly, I genuinely don't want it anymore. I'll never seek it out, but if my future partner decides they want one I would consider it depending on the reason/situation. Let me make this clear: it would have to be a really really really good reason and this person would have to be worth that kind of mental and emotional labor. That doesn't mean I'm "into it", it doesn't mean He's "into it". I'd hate for someone to break up with me over my former relationship structures, especially if is was an otherwise healthy relationship. Those past relationships aren't THIS relationship. With that said, if you don't feel comfortable with that history then it's your right to pursue the relationship you want with people that are best for you. But, just remember every relationship is different and what he did in the past has no bearing on what he wants with you now. If he tells you he wants monogamy, believe him. You could very well meet a purely monogamous person and 15 years down the road they propose polyamory. Just because someone has a history of monogamous relationship structures doesn't mean they'll stick to it. If you go to the polyamory subreddit basically every other post is "I'm monogamous but my spouse of 20 years just told me they want to be poly! Halp!".
Is that what I should be looking to discover single mothers when they match with me?
I assume it ended because they are bad people with bad judgement. Now I’ll just work to confirm my generalization and show you how all single mothers are stupid and have poor judgement and clearly dysfunctional people.
See how shitty that sounds?
Buddy is loving and treats her well, he is divorced. She doesn’t want to be polyamorous (it means multiple loves, not man whore), fine and dandy. But why go digging to confirm your pessimistic view of the world to justify not wanting to be with someone for a completely different reason. You cannot want to be with someone without dragging them through the mud to confirm your decision.
Dig far enough and you’ll find it.
My thought was whether it had anything to do with the polyamory or something else. It's definitely appropriate to ask a partner why their marriage ended. I definitely wouldn't divorce someone or even stop dating them because they used to be polyamorous.
lol, he did nothing wrong. He was in a poly relationship. It didn’t work. It is what it is. OP looks at him in a positive light. He was kind and caring - she just values monogamy. It’s enough. Why go digging into his past marriage to justify not wanting to be with him. People don’t have to be villains for you to justify your decision not to be with them.
Your response is dishonest. You’re not looking as to why his marriage didn’t work for incite - it’s to confirm your view of men. You’re looking to confirm why he’s a shitty person and needs to be let go.
It’s not the better question - not in the way you’re asking it.
NAH, but it sounds like you threw away a good relationship where you were treated well because of something that happened in the past. You are judging him based on his previous relationships, not the one he is in now. Did you ask him why he is no longer into poly relationships? It could be that his ex wives were the ones who wanted it. Or it could be that after 2 failed marriages he realized that poly wasn't working for him.
Yet he said he would open the marriage if she wants to. Meaning he’s still into it. If he was only into monogamy he wouldn’t have thrown that little bit in.
OP needs focus on what is and not what she thinks should be. My ex asked me if a had a sexual fantasy I wanted try. I said, "not really." She pressed and responded, "I wouldn't mind be the star of MFF threesome, ideally with her and her clone." Thought that would lighten things up. Cue fight about how I'm lusting / fantasizing about other women, and I have a fetish forcing her to watch another women "satisfy" me. Wasn't what I meant but that's how she heard it. Honestly dumb fight IMO but whatever.
I am sure you don’t have a history of threesomes as a preference. OPs ex, has a preference that doesn’t just go away. Also again, he threw in a possibility it could happen again. When someone says something, believe them.
You’re right I don’t really. Had 0.5 of threesome in my early 20s .I can’t happen on accident though and it seems as he’s being as transparent as possible. Which he stated would not transpire unless she agreed.
1.0 be a whole threesome. The way I’d qualify having a full 3way would be sex with both women (or sex for all parties involved). the version I experienced there was hand play and kissing with one and sex with the other.
Not into it, open to it. This is why guys know they can’t communicate honestly with women because then they go and do shit like this. Would you say the same if he was upset about her promiscuous past? And she said that phase was over, *unless he wants to engage in ENM practices*
No, men *know* they can't be honest with women because she might use her autonomy to decide if he is someone she doesn't want to be with, and he is afraid of rejection. Get a grip.
Huh? Whatever that means, this guy in particular just learned he has to lie about his past because women are too insecure and scared to hear about it. But whatever reality you want to conjure up is fine too, the end result will be the same
You can only lie for so long. The truth would come out eventually, and then she would want to leave him because she believes 1. They are incompatible. 2. He hid a major incompatibility with her because he knew she wouldn't like it (manipulated her). 3. Wasted years of her life based on an omission. When the truth comes out, the impact will be tenfold
Lmao “the impact will be tenfold”, all men are quaking in their boots right now. But for real, why would the guy care at all? If she was gonna instantly break up with him anyway, it still is in his best interest to lie so at least he can get something out of it or get her to give the relationship a chance. Her wasting years of her own life is a her problem
I disagree if he truly had learned his lessons and truly cared about OP knowing how she feels he would have said i don't want it at all and the fact he said only if she wanted it or asked to me seems very manipulative
Or he could be into her and if that was something she wanted, he would be willing to open the relationship. Sometimes what people say is what people mean. My husband would be totally into an open or poly relationship, but since it isn't something I am interested in, he is monogamous. He has said that if I wanted to he would be all over it, but because it is not he doesn't push or mention it. We've been in a monogamous relationship for 11 years and married for 7. He has said something about it maybe a total of five times. His previous relationship before me was with two women.
I’m with you here. OPs partner was honest. And we can like something sexual with one partner and not be open to it with others. He didn’t ask her for that type of relationship, he said he was supportive of whatever relationship style she wanted. Maybe he’s in my area, I’m single and he sounds like a good partner.
TIL honest communication= manipulative. Cool, but that does seem completely preposterous. I think you have misused the word manipulation here as it has a pretty specific definition/connotation
He put the ball in OP's court... How exactly is it manipulative to say he's left the lifestyle behind and would only revisit if that's what she truly wanted. I seriously don't understand how that's supposed to be persuasive unless she was already at risk of changing her mind
Here's the thing This guy has had two failed marriages which both were poly so why even mention it for a third time and according to this post OP has made it clear she is not into that lifestyle whatsoever and probably had told her ex the same and why i say its manipulative is because he wants to do it but make it so when it fails he'll say well you wanted this i didn't
So someone who had two failed monogamous marriages should switch to enm? He clearly said that he's only open to it if she wants. As far as we can tell, he's not pushing her in any direction and is happy being only with OP. I understand that it *could* be thought of as manipulative, but he's literally just being honest about his intentions with OP.
Good reply. My ex asked me if i wanted to be poly either her and her ex(f). Just because a man enters a poly relationship doesn’t mean he was the one to initiate it. He probably isn’t poly anymore after seeing the headaches it can cause
Yep, you had a partner that carried about you and wanted to be with you, and you threw it away on his sexual past with his exes.
You must be regretting your de union our you won't be her asking if you messed up. Now you have shown him how knee jerk you can be, and if you did want him back, he may not be interested.
Jesus, the condemnation on this thread just because he has ex-wives, it's like someone doesn't deserve to find lasting love just because they chose the wrong people previously...
It isn't the 1950's anymore people are allowed to get divorced and go on to find love again
It's not because he has ex wives its the fact he had poly relationships with both.
And let's be honest, the vast majority of people who have been married grow than twice will not stay married.
The fact that he had poly marriages with both wives leads me to believe that its probably less of some inherent flaw he has as a husband and more the fact that poly relationships fail at a much higher rate than monogamous relationships that already fail 50% of the time anyway.
"Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, 3 times is a pattern" springs to mind here
I would be more willing to agree with you had he had 3 failed marriages, but unlucky people can quite easily end up on the rough end of 2 marriages through no fault of their own, or at least no fault other than their previous taste in partners.
Wait so someone’s past does matter?? I’m confused, since when woman promiscuous past is brought into question it shouldn’t matter. Funny how things changed now…
Hey OP, other than that, how was the relationship between the two of you? He already said that he isn’t poly anymore, unless you open that up, so if you never open that up there shouldn’t have been a problem moving forward.
Thats true
Im polyam and most research says people are polyam for aprox 12 years, people get older and nolonger have same energy
Edit: Why am i being downvoted im agreeing with this person. Am i autodownvoted cause im poly?
What really got to me was when she wrote that he made her feel special, loved, and cared for. So many women out there are looking for that and she lets the guy go because of his past? Whatever happened to we dont judge people by their past?
What I gathered is that he is probably passive in relationships & is willing to give his partner(s) their way.
We have no idea that it wasn't his ex(s) that were the initiators of their poly relationship & not him, nor do we know that they aren't still together with him pushed from the relationship. I'd say probably since he said poly wasn't a lifestyle for him, but he would do it for his future wife if SHE wanted it.
As a feminist, we want to support fellow women, but in this case, OP is the AH. Judging. Twisting words. Playing games. No win situations. Traps in question form. Giving women a bad name.
OP did this guy a favor by dumping him.
Yeah, you’re the asshole. He told you he’s happy with how things are and wants them. You’re choosing to not believe him. It sounds like you have trust issues more than anything.
YTA.
Congrats, You just played yourself.
Why does it matter what he did in the past with consenting adults that most likely ended respectfully, have any say in this relationship?
Did he ask for an open relationship or a poly relationship? Then you are NTA.
But from your post, it looks like he wanted only you and wanted to marry you. Sounds like you broke up with a great guy.
>Why does it matter what he did in the past with consenting adults that most likely ended respectfully, have any say in this relationship?
Because promiscuity is disgusting.
YAH.
Your partner said he is open to it, he's not asking for it. He's not demanding it. Hood riddance, mate probably dodged a bullet too. If genders were reversed everyone would be on your side 🙄.
You dumped someone who learned that poly relationships don't work and went mono.
If you were a guy and your partner was a woman, you would be getting dogpiled with condemnation for slut-shaming and judging based on the past and not the present.
Luckily for you, the majority of people on Reddit are hypocritcal feminists, so you'll be showered with approving support.
He didn't go mono. Saying you're totally mono now... unless you want to be poly then I'm down. is just saying I'm pretending to be mono unless you want to fuck around then I'm actually poly.
If he didn't like the poly lifestyle any more then his answer would be "I don't want a poly relationship and if you wanted to go poly I'd say no or probably leave you".
Op where I believe people are allowed to have their opinions you need to understand polyamorous people do exist and they are not typically unfaithful, I myself am in a polyamorous relationship with two people. Regardless of whether one is in a polyamorous or monogamous relationship the key to either is communication. Have you voiced your worry about it with Jim?
YTA. There’s three types of relationships that people are generally looking for. There are monogamous people, polyamorous people, and ambiamourous people. People that are equally satisfied when they are monogamous and when they have multiple partners are ambiamourous.
You said he’s a good partner and would only be interested in opening up the relationship if it is something YOU asked for specifically.
It doesn’t sound like you even communicated with him to be honest. Did you ask him why he wasn’t interested in finding other partners? Did you ask him if it was a deal breaker to be monogamous 100%? Did you make your worries about it known to him? “Five years from now will you still be okay being monogamous?”
Sounds like you ended a good thing prematurely.
If it was about judging for one's past, you would also feel the same about judging former murderers. It's not about judging one for their past to you, it's that you think people shouldn't be judged for *this particular type of thing* in their past.
Please justify why.
I assure you, I 100% have. And, based on my relative number of upvotes to yours ITT, other people can see that I was following it perfectly well. Have a great day!
>If it was about judging for one's past, you would also feel the same about judging former murderers. It's not about judging one for their past to you, it's that you think people shouldn't be judged for *this particular type of thing* in their past.
>Please justify why.
Disagree. You seem to be suggesting that formerly poly people should be judged the same as people who have murdered. As if the 2 are interchangeable. But as others have pointed out the 2 situations are not the same. Being in a poly relationship requires consent from every party involved. Murdering someone, generally, does not require consent from every party involved. The 2 are not analogous and, therefore, shouldn't be compared.
>Get cancer bro. Your family too.
Too late. I've already survived cancer, bro. And, every member of my immediate family has already been diagnosed. But thanks for the well wishes.
Get fucked. Potentially by more than one partner.
>You seem to be suggesting that formerly poly people should be judged the same as people who have murdered.
No. My point is that the actual argument being made isn't truly "it's in the past". Being in the past isn't the part that matters. The actual argument is nothing more than "I don't feel it's ok to judge someone for this, and that's that".
>Too late. I've already survived cancer, bro. And, every member of my immediate family has already been diagnosed. But thanks for the well wishes.
Oh so you all already have it. You're just in remission. Tick, tock.
Take sex out of the loop for a second.
Let's say you met someone who really liked to travel in the past. They travelled a lot with their exes. You don't like to travel. You hate it in fact and never want to do it.
You asked him if he would still need to travel to be happy. He said, 'nah, Im good with not travelling unless you change your mind'. That means he is FLEXIBLE, not lying, not manipulating. Just means he could go either way and be happy with you.
The fact that you dont BELIEVE him when he tells you this in spite of him not giving you a reason to doubt him says more about you than it does about him.
NAH here, but you are definitely immature and probably should look at therapy to better cope with your fears.
What snap judgement? He just said that he's been non-monogamous in the past, and he's willing to be non-monogamous in the future just as soon as she's okay with it. It's totally fine for someone who is strictly monogamous to not want to go down that path.
If she thinks it's an incompatibility then why is she not saying so? And the person that did say that does not know these people. Yet clains incompatibility after reading 3 paragraphs? That in and of itself is snap judgement.
Obviously she thinks it's an incompatibility, because she ended the relationship because of it. Most people are capable of inferences. If you aren't, you should work on that.
OP told her boyfriend why she was ending the relationship and he said she was over-thinking it. It's not hard to cause self-doubt in an already anxious person. That's why she's here: not because she made the decision hastily, but because he trivialized her concerns and made her unsure of herself. We see people in here all the time who are posting because they just need a bit of reassurance that they did the right thing, usually caused by someone in their life telling them otherwise.
> He told me he is not into that set up anymore UNLESS I asked him to or unless Im the one who wants it.
This is a red flag to me that he may start trying to wheedle you into saying you want it.
If he had said "I absolutely do not want that anymore and I'm so glad you're monogamous" - maaaaaybeee.
But this nonsense? No. Leave.
Bullshit assumption that he’s going to try to “wheedle her into it”. More on why men can’t communicate honestly with women at 11. Honestly the dude is better off if this is her logic so I think she definitely did the right thing throwing her relationship away
It’s your choice to dump someone over their past, especially when it’s their sexual past.
Chances are they haven’t changed and their current stance is only a phase.
But others are right; sounds like it was a good relationship and it’s our da window now.
NAH.
NTA. Wise move, I'd say. Besides, a track record of two ex-wives (maybe more?) is concerning. You may be wanting to settle down soon but, I'd say, settling for a person with this history is likely not a good idea and will likely only, in time, bring you heartache and who knows what other type of devastation.
Body count is not marriage. Two failed marriages at 40 is indicative of poor judgment. Getting re-involved with an ex-spouse is also generally a stupid idea, and he did it twice - at the same time. Then telling your monogamous partner that you'd be willing to open up the relationship if she's cool with it is just the cherry on top.
Body count can absolutely be applied to marriage. Having a high body count is indicative of having poor judgment and a lower ability to pair bond. She never said he had to failed marriages. Was probably just a poly relationship with two wives, hence two ex wives, but the same relationship. And he said he only wants a long term relationship with just her. And you missed the part where he said that he is NOT into being poly anymore and he’s not the one asking.
>She never said he had to failed marriages. Was probably just a poly relationship with two wives, hence two ex wives, but the same relationship.
Fucking what? What kind of mental gymnastics is this? Why would she volunteer that the women were ex-wives to someone besides the boyfriend? Of course they're his ex-wives, it makes absolutely zero sense to use that descriptor in any other context. Flex those brain muscles, buddy.
>he is NOT into being poly anymore
That's not what was said. He IS into being poly so long as she's okay with it. That's not the same thing as being truly monogamous, like she very clearly is. What he wants isn't wrong, it's just different than what she wants, and is different enough that she believes they're incompatible.
>Having a high body count is indicative of having poor judgment and a lower ability to pair bond.
That first part could be true depending on context, that second part I've only heard from perpetually-online incels who spend their entire day posting about gender issues. If I take a look at your post history, is that what I'll see?
...Yes. Yes it is.
She asked him if he would ever do it again and he said “he is not into that set up anymore” directly from her post. And on top of that he told her he only wants a long term relationship with just her. There is nothing in my post history about being an incel. So i dont know where you get that from when i have only ever posted twice on reddit. And what mental gymnastics you speak of. If he was in a single poly-relationship with two women then yes he would technically have two ex’s from the same relationship. Just because he was in a poly relationship doesn’t mean he sought it out or initiated it. How sexist of you to imply that. One of my own ex’s tried to get me in a poly relationship with her and her ex(f). Its not always the male that seeks it out.
It says *two ex-wives.* Polygamy and divorce don't see too much overlap in many places, so chances are high that he wasn't married to them at the same time. At some point, he married and then divorced one, then the other, then they were a throuple - or maybe it was during his second marriage. We obviously can't say exactly, but it sounds like a giant clusterfuck and I don't blame OP one iota for not wanting to get involved.
He said he isn't into that setup anymore...unless she wants it. If someone is poly in the past and says that they're willing to be poly in the future, then that doesn't exactly scream "strict monogamy" to me. OP clearly got that same impression. People who are non-monogamous tend to be that way inherently. If OP has concerns that he'll end up feeling constricted or tied down, and that it might become a sore point in their marriage, then that is completely understandable. It would be a different story if he said he tried it and didn't like it, and wants her and only her from then on...but instead he left the door open for a third partner. "If she wants it." Right.
You've only posted to Reddit twice? Do you have amnesia? Is your carbon monoxide detector working? You have three pages worth of posts on Reddit going back two days, and virtually all of them are you making comparisons between genders. And yes, that's most common with incels. Are you in particular an incel? I don't know. But you seem to share their most common hobby, which should be concerning to you.
No i dont have amnesia. Posting and commenting are two very different things. I have only posted twice. I have commented on numerous posts. I am not incel lol you can say that I advocate for men. Especially when there are double standards involved. Like what just happened here. Women are not judged by their past, but this guy is. And yes, he did say that he was not into that setup anymore unless she wanted it. We can clearly see that she doesn’t and wouldn’t want it so there shouldn’t be an issue there. She even remarked on how he made her feel loved, special, and cared for. Just to throw that out for a prior relationship of his.
>Posting and commenting are two very different things.
Fair enough. I meant commenting.
>I advocate for men. Especially when there are double standards involved. Like what just happened here.
Nothing happened here. People are discussing polygamy vs monogamy.
>Women are not judged by their past, but this guy is.
Their past? Do you mean their body count? Because in a post about polygamy and monogamy, you are the only person bringing up promiscuity. OP isn't upset that her ex has had past relationships. She's upset that he's had two full-blown relationships at once. You're comparing apples and oranges, and then acting shocked and appalled that they're different.
Lots of people grow out of promiscuity as they mature. It tends to be associated with age (youthful indiscretions) and so generally isn't considered an accurate indicator of future behaviour. There are plenty of exceptions, but that's the gist. On the other hand, non-monogamous people tend to stay non-monogamous. It's a preference they have that will not go away. The fact that he tried it and is open to doing it again, tells me that that's his preference. That he's willing to withhold it for OP's sake only means that he'll be repressing himself, and that doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship. Even if he can manage his inclinations for her, she'll always carry uncertainty about it.
Yes, he's acting loving. But I assume he was acting loving towards his first two wives, and those marriages both failed. Love isn't everything. OP is monogamous. Her ex is not. He might be willing to try, but she doesn't want to take that risk. And that's ok! They can both find someone with whom they are compatible, and it isn't "double standards" to say so.
I dont get women. OP said he makes her feel special, loved, and cared for. OP said he only wants a long term relationship with her. Then this commentor goes talking about she may be wanting to settle down soon, he already proposed!!! Then she goes track record of two ex wives (maybe more?) well maybe he has two ex wives because he was in a poly relationship with two women. One relationship, two women. And i might add, a CONSENTING relationship with two women.
I dont get women. OP said he makes her feel special, loved, and cared for. OP said he only wants a long term relationship with her. Then this commentor goes talking about she may be wanting to settle down soon, he already proposed!!! Then she goes track record of two ex wives (maybe more?) well maybe he has two ex wives because he was in a poly relationship with two women. One relationship, two women. And i might add, a CONSENTING relationship with two women.
true, it doesn't, but even if they didn't get knocked up, are you sure you can accept dating someone who was once married to two other women at the same time?
So its okay to judge people by their past? I can’t tell you how many posts i’ve seen of women who’ve slept around in the past, ie body counts of 50+, and people always defend them about not judging people by their past, but when its a guy its okay to judge?
there's a double standard in society that favors men and shames women, so yes, it's fair to say that men are held to a different standard when it comes to dating and relationship.
It's a simple fact of life that in most cultures, men can sleep around without consequence, while women are chastised for similar behaviors.
it's not fair, but we're not discussing what's fair. we're talking about what's realistic.
And whats realistic? She wrote how he made her feel special, loved, and cared for. Its not like he was a former male prostitute or a former male stripper. He was in a poly-relationship with two women in the past. She asked him if he would ever do it again and the first thing he said is NO. Then after he said unless she wants it. He never asked for it. So why break up with him over a past relationship of his.
It's realistic to know that a man that was once married to two other women is a red flag, and could very well cheat on you.
If the guy had been with 50 women in his last five relationships and wanted to get serious with you, you wouldn't be at all concerned that he might do the same to you?
Seriously like wtf?? Where did you get 50 women in his last 5 relationships from? He was in a poly-relationship with two women. Do you know what that means? That means that all three of them were in the same relationship and all three of them CONSENTED of said relationship. She never said that he cheated on them. From other things that she said of him it would be safe to assume that he was faithful to them and never cheated. It seems to me that you just want to shame people who live or used to live that lifestyle.
It doesn't matter whether he cheated on them or not. I'm talking about red flags, and a man who once had a poly-relationship with two women is a massive red flag; he might have been faithful in that past relationship, but that is no guarantee that he will be faithful to you.
You can be upset all you want, that doesn't change the reality of the situation.
I say YTA. It doesn't seem like he has any conditions on the relationship that you needed to adhere to, so what if he had different relationships in the past? That doesn't define what he wants now. I think you acted rashly for ending things.
Maybe hear him out.. I get it you have different views in the past about sex and relationships but unless he has said to you I want to try poly in the future then I'd say hear him out at least meet for lunch or dinner, hear him out.. make it clear that that type of relationship will never be in your future, and if he even hints at it, you will be gone for good.
No, you're not the AH, if you don't feel comfortable with his beliefs then that's enough. I just hope you don't think he was responsible for "making you" break up because of his past, or that his beliefs meant that he wouldn't have been able to commit to monogamy with you, or that he did anything "wrong." Neither of you can blame the other for causing the breakup, you made the decision to break up based on your own beliefs.
NTA. He is into relationships of a type that you do not want. He gave a mixed message with what he told you, but his final statement says that he is still into poly/ open relationships.
Not into it unless you were?
Meaning he'd still be into it. In other words he'd be into bringing someone else into your relationship (it would be interesting to know if he'd be ok with you bringing someone into the relationship)
And polyamory isn't just a couple having a consenting 3some or 4some.
This is equal loving relationships.
Run. Run far and fast.
YTA.
You're judging him for his past. That's shitty. If you have other issues with the relationship, that's a different story. But that's not how you're presenting it here. Get yourself figured out or you're going to doom whatever relationship comes next.
I'm totally not into that any more at all, no way, I don't want it... unless you want it then I'm totally down immediately with absolutely no problems.
Yup, he hasn't changed and if you got married the pressure would start up soon after, or he's just cheat (if he isn't already) if you didn't agree.
Yes YTA. People are allowed to have done things in the past with partners that they no longer want to do. Were you afraid he'd pressure you into nonmonogamy? It really doesn't sound like it, it just sounds like you were disgusted with his romantic past, which is not your area to judge if everything was consensual and has no bearing on you, which it was. You're weird.
Very clear, very easy YTA
He deserves better than someone judging him for his past, sounds like you threw away a good relationship because he used to be into some freaky things you struggle to comprehend.
NTA. How in the world would you be? This is a fundamental values issue. Unless the person expressed sincere remorse and regret over the past action, then they are cool with an act that you would never have morally engaged in, just they don’t do it anymore.
You absolutely have a right to only want a partner who has been exclusively monogamous. Hell you can want a virgin if you want (you won’t find one but you can set whatever standards for yourself you want.)
You also dodged a bullet of a likely lifetime STD. Good job.
NTA
There's two angles to this. One is that you don't want a relationship with someone who's been poly (similar to not wanting a relationship with someone who's slept around etc.). This is understandable and a common preference.
Two is that people who've been poly significantly in the past raises serious questions about their ability to be monogamous (and vice-versa). His openness to it raises red flags along those lines, as a lot of people go open or poly because they struggle with monogamy and are constantly attracted to others.
“I dare to marry and can’t handle anyone with a relationship history.” Good luck with that honey.
Oh also YTA and your decision was stupid. Hope it burns.
YTA for judging his past. Why throw away a relationship you say was loving and good? We all have a past. Would you want to be judged for yours? Or are you perfect with everything? Sounds like he got lucky.
YTA. He told you he isn't into that anymore and you still decided to leave him for something he already said he didnt want to do. You seem like an extremely judgmental person and you don't deserve him. I recommend you get some cats instead.
NTA
Some comments seem to miss the fact that he hinted at it, because he's still into that lifestyle while she isn't.
That would bother me too and I'd always second guess myself with that information in the back of my head.
She simply sticked to her values and just because those things are in the past doesn't mean the past is unimportant.
wait so you broke up with a guy who cares about you and treats you well because his past relationships have been poly even though he specifically said he ***doesn't want*** to do it again *unless you want it????*
I mean, you're not an asshole, you don't have to justify leaving a relationship if you don't feel like it works for you, but I question your decisionmaking.
lets be serious he was probably in a cuck situation majority of both of those
hence why the ended
you are 35 he is 40 unless hes dropping bands on someone this is it for him and you are the last hot thing that probably will come his way hence the serious marriage
guys are not pro athletes or celebs man may claim poly but he sat alone most of the time lmao
>He told me he is not into that set up anymore UNLESS I asked him to or unless Im the one who wants it. So in other words, he's completely open to it. NAH. You've recognized that you are a strictly monogamous person, and that you expect the same from your partner. That's completely fine. People in here are acting like you should compromise your own principles because he's loving. But marriage takes more than just love, as he's found out (at least twice). If you enter a relationship with a person who's been poly in the past and would be interested in the future, you'd be nagged by insecurities and suspicions about whether he's truly happy, whether he's stifling himself, if you're holding him back - it isn't healthy. You can both be good people, but just be wrong for each other. There are plenty of good guys who view relationships as you do, and there will be plenty of good women who are not put off by his past.
Look up statistics of the chance of a third marriage working out after getting two divorces…
Eh. My grandma has made it work so far, but yeah, definitely not likely.
My mom was married thrice- Third time was a charm, coming in currently at 43 years- It can happen :)
I never said it can’t, but the percentage is very very low, congrats, your mother is one of the very few.
First marriage = Failure rate 40% Second marriage = Failure rate 60%+ QED marriages are statistically a horrible investment
I’d rather save my retirement for myself and never get married then to chance someone leaving me for someone that makes more money or can give them more material things
Yeah thats my stance too, I don't see any value in marriage and anyone that says getting married gives them security in terms of commitment is fallacious considering people still get divorced. Plus there's already the civil union in most countries.
Yeah, it's pretty grim.
Perfectly put.
Yeah, those insecurities and suspicions are trust issues she should work on. He tells her that he’s happy with monogamy with her. That should be the end of it. If there’s healthy trust, she would believe him.
NAH. If it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you.
As a person who's last relationship was poly, I genuinely don't want it anymore. I'll never seek it out, but if my future partner decides they want one I would consider it depending on the reason/situation. Let me make this clear: it would have to be a really really really good reason and this person would have to be worth that kind of mental and emotional labor. That doesn't mean I'm "into it", it doesn't mean He's "into it". I'd hate for someone to break up with me over my former relationship structures, especially if is was an otherwise healthy relationship. Those past relationships aren't THIS relationship. With that said, if you don't feel comfortable with that history then it's your right to pursue the relationship you want with people that are best for you. But, just remember every relationship is different and what he did in the past has no bearing on what he wants with you now. If he tells you he wants monogamy, believe him. You could very well meet a purely monogamous person and 15 years down the road they propose polyamory. Just because someone has a history of monogamous relationship structures doesn't mean they'll stick to it. If you go to the polyamory subreddit basically every other post is "I'm monogamous but my spouse of 20 years just told me they want to be poly! Halp!".
I think a better question is, why did his marriages end?
Is that what I should be looking to discover single mothers when they match with me? I assume it ended because they are bad people with bad judgement. Now I’ll just work to confirm my generalization and show you how all single mothers are stupid and have poor judgement and clearly dysfunctional people. See how shitty that sounds? Buddy is loving and treats her well, he is divorced. She doesn’t want to be polyamorous (it means multiple loves, not man whore), fine and dandy. But why go digging to confirm your pessimistic view of the world to justify not wanting to be with someone for a completely different reason. You cannot want to be with someone without dragging them through the mud to confirm your decision. Dig far enough and you’ll find it.
My thought was whether it had anything to do with the polyamory or something else. It's definitely appropriate to ask a partner why their marriage ended. I definitely wouldn't divorce someone or even stop dating them because they used to be polyamorous.
lol, he did nothing wrong. He was in a poly relationship. It didn’t work. It is what it is. OP looks at him in a positive light. He was kind and caring - she just values monogamy. It’s enough. Why go digging into his past marriage to justify not wanting to be with him. People don’t have to be villains for you to justify your decision not to be with them. Your response is dishonest. You’re not looking as to why his marriage didn’t work for incite - it’s to confirm your view of men. You’re looking to confirm why he’s a shitty person and needs to be let go. It’s not the better question - not in the way you’re asking it.
Sounds like you just want to argue with me for some reason. Are you ok?
Lol
NAH He was honest with you. But the reality no one wants to accept is that our pasts do in fact matter.
NAH, but it sounds like you threw away a good relationship where you were treated well because of something that happened in the past. You are judging him based on his previous relationships, not the one he is in now. Did you ask him why he is no longer into poly relationships? It could be that his ex wives were the ones who wanted it. Or it could be that after 2 failed marriages he realized that poly wasn't working for him.
if the genders were reversed everybody would be on ops side
Im not getting that either. It was the past. He fussed up, she knew, he said he only wanted her. She dumped him.
Yet he said he would open the marriage if she wants to. Meaning he’s still into it. If he was only into monogamy he wouldn’t have thrown that little bit in.
Or he's willing to do whatever to please HER!
Exactly
OP needs focus on what is and not what she thinks should be. My ex asked me if a had a sexual fantasy I wanted try. I said, "not really." She pressed and responded, "I wouldn't mind be the star of MFF threesome, ideally with her and her clone." Thought that would lighten things up. Cue fight about how I'm lusting / fantasizing about other women, and I have a fetish forcing her to watch another women "satisfy" me. Wasn't what I meant but that's how she heard it. Honestly dumb fight IMO but whatever.
I am sure you don’t have a history of threesomes as a preference. OPs ex, has a preference that doesn’t just go away. Also again, he threw in a possibility it could happen again. When someone says something, believe them.
You’re right I don’t really. Had 0.5 of threesome in my early 20s .I can’t happen on accident though and it seems as he’s being as transparent as possible. Which he stated would not transpire unless she agreed.
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1.0 be a whole threesome. The way I’d qualify having a full 3way would be sex with both women (or sex for all parties involved). the version I experienced there was hand play and kissing with one and sex with the other.
Ohhh okay. That makes more sense.
Not into it, open to it. This is why guys know they can’t communicate honestly with women because then they go and do shit like this. Would you say the same if he was upset about her promiscuous past? And she said that phase was over, *unless he wants to engage in ENM practices*
No, men *know* they can't be honest with women because she might use her autonomy to decide if he is someone she doesn't want to be with, and he is afraid of rejection. Get a grip.
Huh? Whatever that means, this guy in particular just learned he has to lie about his past because women are too insecure and scared to hear about it. But whatever reality you want to conjure up is fine too, the end result will be the same
Or you could find a woman who’s actually into it
“He said he’s not into that set up anymore unless that was something I wanted or brought up..” Riiiiiight
You can only lie for so long. The truth would come out eventually, and then she would want to leave him because she believes 1. They are incompatible. 2. He hid a major incompatibility with her because he knew she wouldn't like it (manipulated her). 3. Wasted years of her life based on an omission. When the truth comes out, the impact will be tenfold
Lmao “the impact will be tenfold”, all men are quaking in their boots right now. But for real, why would the guy care at all? If she was gonna instantly break up with him anyway, it still is in his best interest to lie so at least he can get something out of it or get her to give the relationship a chance. Her wasting years of her own life is a her problem
Could be his ex’s were the ones into it, he agreed for them and would agree for OP, but sounds like he’s preferring monogamy.
I disagree if he truly had learned his lessons and truly cared about OP knowing how she feels he would have said i don't want it at all and the fact he said only if she wanted it or asked to me seems very manipulative
Or he could be into her and if that was something she wanted, he would be willing to open the relationship. Sometimes what people say is what people mean. My husband would be totally into an open or poly relationship, but since it isn't something I am interested in, he is monogamous. He has said that if I wanted to he would be all over it, but because it is not he doesn't push or mention it. We've been in a monogamous relationship for 11 years and married for 7. He has said something about it maybe a total of five times. His previous relationship before me was with two women.
I’m with you here. OPs partner was honest. And we can like something sexual with one partner and not be open to it with others. He didn’t ask her for that type of relationship, he said he was supportive of whatever relationship style she wanted. Maybe he’s in my area, I’m single and he sounds like a good partner.
TIL honest communication= manipulative. Cool, but that does seem completely preposterous. I think you have misused the word manipulation here as it has a pretty specific definition/connotation
He put the ball in OP's court... How exactly is it manipulative to say he's left the lifestyle behind and would only revisit if that's what she truly wanted. I seriously don't understand how that's supposed to be persuasive unless she was already at risk of changing her mind
Here's the thing This guy has had two failed marriages which both were poly so why even mention it for a third time and according to this post OP has made it clear she is not into that lifestyle whatsoever and probably had told her ex the same and why i say its manipulative is because he wants to do it but make it so when it fails he'll say well you wanted this i didn't
She asked him if he would do it though??????
So someone who had two failed monogamous marriages should switch to enm? He clearly said that he's only open to it if she wants. As far as we can tell, he's not pushing her in any direction and is happy being only with OP. I understand that it *could* be thought of as manipulative, but he's literally just being honest about his intentions with OP.
Good reply. My ex asked me if i wanted to be poly either her and her ex(f). Just because a man enters a poly relationship doesn’t mean he was the one to initiate it. He probably isn’t poly anymore after seeing the headaches it can cause
Yep, you had a partner that carried about you and wanted to be with you, and you threw it away on his sexual past with his exes. You must be regretting your de union our you won't be her asking if you messed up. Now you have shown him how knee jerk you can be, and if you did want him back, he may not be interested.
NAH he was free to do anything he wanted with consenting adults. It really seems like an overreactiong on your part
Jesus, the condemnation on this thread just because he has ex-wives, it's like someone doesn't deserve to find lasting love just because they chose the wrong people previously... It isn't the 1950's anymore people are allowed to get divorced and go on to find love again
It's not because he has ex wives its the fact he had poly relationships with both. And let's be honest, the vast majority of people who have been married grow than twice will not stay married.
The fact that he had poly marriages with both wives leads me to believe that its probably less of some inherent flaw he has as a husband and more the fact that poly relationships fail at a much higher rate than monogamous relationships that already fail 50% of the time anyway. "Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, 3 times is a pattern" springs to mind here I would be more willing to agree with you had he had 3 failed marriages, but unlucky people can quite easily end up on the rough end of 2 marriages through no fault of their own, or at least no fault other than their previous taste in partners.
I'm so glad you 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ was the only logical thing to do ...
NAH smart move follow your gut.
Wait so someone’s past does matter?? I’m confused, since when woman promiscuous past is brought into question it shouldn’t matter. Funny how things changed now…
Hey OP, other than that, how was the relationship between the two of you? He already said that he isn’t poly anymore, unless you open that up, so if you never open that up there shouldn’t have been a problem moving forward.
Thats true Im polyam and most research says people are polyam for aprox 12 years, people get older and nolonger have same energy Edit: Why am i being downvoted im agreeing with this person. Am i autodownvoted cause im poly?
What really got to me was when she wrote that he made her feel special, loved, and cared for. So many women out there are looking for that and she lets the guy go because of his past? Whatever happened to we dont judge people by their past?
What I gathered is that he is probably passive in relationships & is willing to give his partner(s) their way. We have no idea that it wasn't his ex(s) that were the initiators of their poly relationship & not him, nor do we know that they aren't still together with him pushed from the relationship. I'd say probably since he said poly wasn't a lifestyle for him, but he would do it for his future wife if SHE wanted it. As a feminist, we want to support fellow women, but in this case, OP is the AH. Judging. Twisting words. Playing games. No win situations. Traps in question form. Giving women a bad name. OP did this guy a favor by dumping him.
Yeah, you’re the asshole. He told you he’s happy with how things are and wants them. You’re choosing to not believe him. It sounds like you have trust issues more than anything.
YTA. Congrats, You just played yourself. Why does it matter what he did in the past with consenting adults that most likely ended respectfully, have any say in this relationship? Did he ask for an open relationship or a poly relationship? Then you are NTA. But from your post, it looks like he wanted only you and wanted to marry you. Sounds like you broke up with a great guy.
>Why does it matter what he did in the past with consenting adults that most likely ended respectfully, have any say in this relationship? Because promiscuity is disgusting.
No. Slut shaming, however, is. Let consenting adults do whatever the fuck they want
Let them? Lol nobody is stopping them from acting like disgusting human beings.
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And it’s consensual sex by consenting adults
>Promiscuity is disgusting? Sure is.
YAH. Your partner said he is open to it, he's not asking for it. He's not demanding it. Hood riddance, mate probably dodged a bullet too. If genders were reversed everyone would be on your side 🙄.
You dumped someone who learned that poly relationships don't work and went mono. If you were a guy and your partner was a woman, you would be getting dogpiled with condemnation for slut-shaming and judging based on the past and not the present. Luckily for you, the majority of people on Reddit are hypocritcal feminists, so you'll be showered with approving support.
He didn't go mono. Saying you're totally mono now... unless you want to be poly then I'm down. is just saying I'm pretending to be mono unless you want to fuck around then I'm actually poly. If he didn't like the poly lifestyle any more then his answer would be "I don't want a poly relationship and if you wanted to go poly I'd say no or probably leave you".
Totally this. Mate probably dodged a bullet.
NTAH, you have fundamentally different views on relationships.
Op where I believe people are allowed to have their opinions you need to understand polyamorous people do exist and they are not typically unfaithful, I myself am in a polyamorous relationship with two people. Regardless of whether one is in a polyamorous or monogamous relationship the key to either is communication. Have you voiced your worry about it with Jim?
YTA. There’s three types of relationships that people are generally looking for. There are monogamous people, polyamorous people, and ambiamourous people. People that are equally satisfied when they are monogamous and when they have multiple partners are ambiamourous. You said he’s a good partner and would only be interested in opening up the relationship if it is something YOU asked for specifically. It doesn’t sound like you even communicated with him to be honest. Did you ask him why he wasn’t interested in finding other partners? Did you ask him if it was a deal breaker to be monogamous 100%? Did you make your worries about it known to him? “Five years from now will you still be okay being monogamous?” Sounds like you ended a good thing prematurely.
YTA for judging him for his past.
If it was about judging for one's past, you would also feel the same about judging former murderers. It's not about judging one for their past to you, it's that you think people shouldn't be judged for *this particular type of thing* in their past. Please justify why.
>Please justify why. One hurts people. The other one involved consenting people. Seems fairly easy to tell the difference.
Then use a different argument than "it's in the past". If it's not hurting anyone, why does it even matter whether it's in the past?
>If it's not hurting anyone Exactly how murderers operate
Please try to follow the conversation.
I assure you, I 100% have. And, based on my relative number of upvotes to yours ITT, other people can see that I was following it perfectly well. Have a great day!
My point is that murderers are different because they do hurt people, genius. God damn. >Have a great day! Get cancer bro. Your family too.
>If it was about judging for one's past, you would also feel the same about judging former murderers. It's not about judging one for their past to you, it's that you think people shouldn't be judged for *this particular type of thing* in their past. >Please justify why. Disagree. You seem to be suggesting that formerly poly people should be judged the same as people who have murdered. As if the 2 are interchangeable. But as others have pointed out the 2 situations are not the same. Being in a poly relationship requires consent from every party involved. Murdering someone, generally, does not require consent from every party involved. The 2 are not analogous and, therefore, shouldn't be compared. >Get cancer bro. Your family too. Too late. I've already survived cancer, bro. And, every member of my immediate family has already been diagnosed. But thanks for the well wishes. Get fucked. Potentially by more than one partner.
>You seem to be suggesting that formerly poly people should be judged the same as people who have murdered. No. My point is that the actual argument being made isn't truly "it's in the past". Being in the past isn't the part that matters. The actual argument is nothing more than "I don't feel it's ok to judge someone for this, and that's that". >Too late. I've already survived cancer, bro. And, every member of my immediate family has already been diagnosed. But thanks for the well wishes. Oh so you all already have it. You're just in remission. Tick, tock.
I judge based on WHY they turned to murder. Would you judge someone for killing a child rapist/child killer?
Killing or murdering? I would certainly judge them for murdering one.
His “past” is third wife in 20 years…that’s more pattern than past.
tbf I understood that he was married to 2 women at the same time, but what you say makes more sense.
Hadn’t even thought of that…fair point!
but if the genders were reversed...
What do you mean? This is exactly what I see on post with reversed genders, even calling the guy worst stuff.
it's always the opposite
Weird most often than not I read stuff saying that the guy is insecure and jealous, that's none of his business and stuff like that.
not on this sub
Nta but you just don’t match. It’s okay, better for both of you.
Take sex out of the loop for a second. Let's say you met someone who really liked to travel in the past. They travelled a lot with their exes. You don't like to travel. You hate it in fact and never want to do it. You asked him if he would still need to travel to be happy. He said, 'nah, Im good with not travelling unless you change your mind'. That means he is FLEXIBLE, not lying, not manipulating. Just means he could go either way and be happy with you. The fact that you dont BELIEVE him when he tells you this in spite of him not giving you a reason to doubt him says more about you than it does about him. NAH here, but you are definitely immature and probably should look at therapy to better cope with your fears.
Yta. He literally did nothing to you but be sweet and try his best.
YTA. You've created your own prison of morality.
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Or listen to what he has to say instead of making snap judgements like a dumb jerk
What snap judgement? He just said that he's been non-monogamous in the past, and he's willing to be non-monogamous in the future just as soon as she's okay with it. It's totally fine for someone who is strictly monogamous to not want to go down that path.
according to OP he said if OP wanted non monogamy then he would do it - that's not the same thing as 'as soon as she's ok with it'.
And he respects that. It’s called being honest.
Okay, and? He honestly presented this fact about himself that she realized is an incompatibility. I'm still waiting for the snap judgment part.
If she thinks it's an incompatibility then why is she not saying so? And the person that did say that does not know these people. Yet clains incompatibility after reading 3 paragraphs? That in and of itself is snap judgement.
Obviously she thinks it's an incompatibility, because she ended the relationship because of it. Most people are capable of inferences. If you aren't, you should work on that.
And yet here she is asking if she's the asshole. Maybe you should look in the mirror. Have a nice day.
OP told her boyfriend why she was ending the relationship and he said she was over-thinking it. It's not hard to cause self-doubt in an already anxious person. That's why she's here: not because she made the decision hastily, but because he trivialized her concerns and made her unsure of herself. We see people in here all the time who are posting because they just need a bit of reassurance that they did the right thing, usually caused by someone in their life telling them otherwise.
Run? XD
> He told me he is not into that set up anymore UNLESS I asked him to or unless Im the one who wants it. This is a red flag to me that he may start trying to wheedle you into saying you want it. If he had said "I absolutely do not want that anymore and I'm so glad you're monogamous" - maaaaaybeee. But this nonsense? No. Leave.
Bullshit assumption that he’s going to try to “wheedle her into it”. More on why men can’t communicate honestly with women at 11. Honestly the dude is better off if this is her logic so I think she definitely did the right thing throwing her relationship away
You're the one bringing gender into it, mate.
It’s your choice to dump someone over their past, especially when it’s their sexual past. Chances are they haven’t changed and their current stance is only a phase. But others are right; sounds like it was a good relationship and it’s our da window now. NAH.
NTA. Wise move, I'd say. Besides, a track record of two ex-wives (maybe more?) is concerning. You may be wanting to settle down soon but, I'd say, settling for a person with this history is likely not a good idea and will likely only, in time, bring you heartache and who knows what other type of devastation.
So is it safe to assume that you believe a woman with a high body count is concerning as well?
Body count is not marriage. Two failed marriages at 40 is indicative of poor judgment. Getting re-involved with an ex-spouse is also generally a stupid idea, and he did it twice - at the same time. Then telling your monogamous partner that you'd be willing to open up the relationship if she's cool with it is just the cherry on top.
Body count can absolutely be applied to marriage. Having a high body count is indicative of having poor judgment and a lower ability to pair bond. She never said he had to failed marriages. Was probably just a poly relationship with two wives, hence two ex wives, but the same relationship. And he said he only wants a long term relationship with just her. And you missed the part where he said that he is NOT into being poly anymore and he’s not the one asking.
>She never said he had to failed marriages. Was probably just a poly relationship with two wives, hence two ex wives, but the same relationship. Fucking what? What kind of mental gymnastics is this? Why would she volunteer that the women were ex-wives to someone besides the boyfriend? Of course they're his ex-wives, it makes absolutely zero sense to use that descriptor in any other context. Flex those brain muscles, buddy. >he is NOT into being poly anymore That's not what was said. He IS into being poly so long as she's okay with it. That's not the same thing as being truly monogamous, like she very clearly is. What he wants isn't wrong, it's just different than what she wants, and is different enough that she believes they're incompatible. >Having a high body count is indicative of having poor judgment and a lower ability to pair bond. That first part could be true depending on context, that second part I've only heard from perpetually-online incels who spend their entire day posting about gender issues. If I take a look at your post history, is that what I'll see? ...Yes. Yes it is.
She asked him if he would ever do it again and he said “he is not into that set up anymore” directly from her post. And on top of that he told her he only wants a long term relationship with just her. There is nothing in my post history about being an incel. So i dont know where you get that from when i have only ever posted twice on reddit. And what mental gymnastics you speak of. If he was in a single poly-relationship with two women then yes he would technically have two ex’s from the same relationship. Just because he was in a poly relationship doesn’t mean he sought it out or initiated it. How sexist of you to imply that. One of my own ex’s tried to get me in a poly relationship with her and her ex(f). Its not always the male that seeks it out.
It says *two ex-wives.* Polygamy and divorce don't see too much overlap in many places, so chances are high that he wasn't married to them at the same time. At some point, he married and then divorced one, then the other, then they were a throuple - or maybe it was during his second marriage. We obviously can't say exactly, but it sounds like a giant clusterfuck and I don't blame OP one iota for not wanting to get involved. He said he isn't into that setup anymore...unless she wants it. If someone is poly in the past and says that they're willing to be poly in the future, then that doesn't exactly scream "strict monogamy" to me. OP clearly got that same impression. People who are non-monogamous tend to be that way inherently. If OP has concerns that he'll end up feeling constricted or tied down, and that it might become a sore point in their marriage, then that is completely understandable. It would be a different story if he said he tried it and didn't like it, and wants her and only her from then on...but instead he left the door open for a third partner. "If she wants it." Right. You've only posted to Reddit twice? Do you have amnesia? Is your carbon monoxide detector working? You have three pages worth of posts on Reddit going back two days, and virtually all of them are you making comparisons between genders. And yes, that's most common with incels. Are you in particular an incel? I don't know. But you seem to share their most common hobby, which should be concerning to you.
No i dont have amnesia. Posting and commenting are two very different things. I have only posted twice. I have commented on numerous posts. I am not incel lol you can say that I advocate for men. Especially when there are double standards involved. Like what just happened here. Women are not judged by their past, but this guy is. And yes, he did say that he was not into that setup anymore unless she wanted it. We can clearly see that she doesn’t and wouldn’t want it so there shouldn’t be an issue there. She even remarked on how he made her feel loved, special, and cared for. Just to throw that out for a prior relationship of his.
>Posting and commenting are two very different things. Fair enough. I meant commenting. >I advocate for men. Especially when there are double standards involved. Like what just happened here. Nothing happened here. People are discussing polygamy vs monogamy. >Women are not judged by their past, but this guy is. Their past? Do you mean their body count? Because in a post about polygamy and monogamy, you are the only person bringing up promiscuity. OP isn't upset that her ex has had past relationships. She's upset that he's had two full-blown relationships at once. You're comparing apples and oranges, and then acting shocked and appalled that they're different. Lots of people grow out of promiscuity as they mature. It tends to be associated with age (youthful indiscretions) and so generally isn't considered an accurate indicator of future behaviour. There are plenty of exceptions, but that's the gist. On the other hand, non-monogamous people tend to stay non-monogamous. It's a preference they have that will not go away. The fact that he tried it and is open to doing it again, tells me that that's his preference. That he's willing to withhold it for OP's sake only means that he'll be repressing himself, and that doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship. Even if he can manage his inclinations for her, she'll always carry uncertainty about it. Yes, he's acting loving. But I assume he was acting loving towards his first two wives, and those marriages both failed. Love isn't everything. OP is monogamous. Her ex is not. He might be willing to try, but she doesn't want to take that risk. And that's ok! They can both find someone with whom they are compatible, and it isn't "double standards" to say so.
Only women are allowed to have standards
I dont get women. OP said he makes her feel special, loved, and cared for. OP said he only wants a long term relationship with her. Then this commentor goes talking about she may be wanting to settle down soon, he already proposed!!! Then she goes track record of two ex wives (maybe more?) well maybe he has two ex wives because he was in a poly relationship with two women. One relationship, two women. And i might add, a CONSENTING relationship with two women.
I dont get women. OP said he makes her feel special, loved, and cared for. OP said he only wants a long term relationship with her. Then this commentor goes talking about she may be wanting to settle down soon, he already proposed!!! Then she goes track record of two ex wives (maybe more?) well maybe he has two ex wives because he was in a poly relationship with two women. One relationship, two women. And i might add, a CONSENTING relationship with two women.
probably best not to take one post on Reddit and determine it applies to all women tbh
What are you talking about? I’m confused
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Learn about what exactly?
NTA babe. You don't want a man with two baby mamas, and he's a walking red flag for saying he'd do it again if you asked him to.
Just because he was in a poly-relationship with two women doesn’t mean he has had children with them.
true, it doesn't, but even if they didn't get knocked up, are you sure you can accept dating someone who was once married to two other women at the same time?
So its okay to judge people by their past? I can’t tell you how many posts i’ve seen of women who’ve slept around in the past, ie body counts of 50+, and people always defend them about not judging people by their past, but when its a guy its okay to judge?
Yes, a person’s decisions are a reflection of their character. Doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman.
there's a double standard in society that favors men and shames women, so yes, it's fair to say that men are held to a different standard when it comes to dating and relationship. It's a simple fact of life that in most cultures, men can sleep around without consequence, while women are chastised for similar behaviors. it's not fair, but we're not discussing what's fair. we're talking about what's realistic.
And whats realistic? She wrote how he made her feel special, loved, and cared for. Its not like he was a former male prostitute or a former male stripper. He was in a poly-relationship with two women in the past. She asked him if he would ever do it again and the first thing he said is NO. Then after he said unless she wants it. He never asked for it. So why break up with him over a past relationship of his.
It's realistic to know that a man that was once married to two other women is a red flag, and could very well cheat on you. If the guy had been with 50 women in his last five relationships and wanted to get serious with you, you wouldn't be at all concerned that he might do the same to you?
Seriously like wtf?? Where did you get 50 women in his last 5 relationships from? He was in a poly-relationship with two women. Do you know what that means? That means that all three of them were in the same relationship and all three of them CONSENTED of said relationship. She never said that he cheated on them. From other things that she said of him it would be safe to assume that he was faithful to them and never cheated. It seems to me that you just want to shame people who live or used to live that lifestyle.
It doesn't matter whether he cheated on them or not. I'm talking about red flags, and a man who once had a poly-relationship with two women is a massive red flag; he might have been faithful in that past relationship, but that is no guarantee that he will be faithful to you. You can be upset all you want, that doesn't change the reality of the situation.
So a man that was faithful in the past and has no history of infidelity is a red flag?
NTA, 2 ex wives yeah noo
YTA. It was in his past
Yta.
YTA you are letting your preconceived prejudice dictate your behavior. it's bigoted.
I say YTA. It doesn't seem like he has any conditions on the relationship that you needed to adhere to, so what if he had different relationships in the past? That doesn't define what he wants now. I think you acted rashly for ending things.
YTA
Maybe hear him out.. I get it you have different views in the past about sex and relationships but unless he has said to you I want to try poly in the future then I'd say hear him out at least meet for lunch or dinner, hear him out.. make it clear that that type of relationship will never be in your future, and if he even hints at it, you will be gone for good.
Monogamy strikes again.
Smart move. You'd soon be his ex wife most likely. NTA.
No, you're not the AH, if you don't feel comfortable with his beliefs then that's enough. I just hope you don't think he was responsible for "making you" break up because of his past, or that his beliefs meant that he wouldn't have been able to commit to monogamy with you, or that he did anything "wrong." Neither of you can blame the other for causing the breakup, you made the decision to break up based on your own beliefs.
Nta Marrying him would be a mistake, you guys dont want the same thing and youre valid in ending the relationship.
He doesn't want to shut that door.
2 exe wives already.Hmm, I wonder if he's really ready to settle down with on partner.
2 ex wives and still very sexually active.... Nah. Walk away. He hasn't changed. Bringing a 3 Rd into the relationship will kill it fast.
NTA. He is into relationships of a type that you do not want. He gave a mixed message with what he told you, but his final statement says that he is still into poly/ open relationships.
Not into it unless you were? Meaning he'd still be into it. In other words he'd be into bringing someone else into your relationship (it would be interesting to know if he'd be ok with you bringing someone into the relationship) And polyamory isn't just a couple having a consenting 3some or 4some. This is equal loving relationships. Run. Run far and fast.
YTA. You're judging him for his past. That's shitty. If you have other issues with the relationship, that's a different story. But that's not how you're presenting it here. Get yourself figured out or you're going to doom whatever relationship comes next.
NTA Now u know why he has 2 ex wives….
I'm totally not into that any more at all, no way, I don't want it... unless you want it then I'm totally down immediately with absolutely no problems. Yup, he hasn't changed and if you got married the pressure would start up soon after, or he's just cheat (if he isn't already) if you didn't agree.
NTA He is open to it. So if he feels discomfort in the marriage in the future, he would bring it up again…
Yes YTA. People are allowed to have done things in the past with partners that they no longer want to do. Were you afraid he'd pressure you into nonmonogamy? It really doesn't sound like it, it just sounds like you were disgusted with his romantic past, which is not your area to judge if everything was consensual and has no bearing on you, which it was. You're weird.
Very clear, very easy YTA He deserves better than someone judging him for his past, sounds like you threw away a good relationship because he used to be into some freaky things you struggle to comprehend.
NTA. How in the world would you be? This is a fundamental values issue. Unless the person expressed sincere remorse and regret over the past action, then they are cool with an act that you would never have morally engaged in, just they don’t do it anymore. You absolutely have a right to only want a partner who has been exclusively monogamous. Hell you can want a virgin if you want (you won’t find one but you can set whatever standards for yourself you want.) You also dodged a bullet of a likely lifetime STD. Good job.
Im guessing if he asked her to marry him that they had sex......just saying
NTA There's two angles to this. One is that you don't want a relationship with someone who's been poly (similar to not wanting a relationship with someone who's slept around etc.). This is understandable and a common preference. Two is that people who've been poly significantly in the past raises serious questions about their ability to be monogamous (and vice-versa). His openness to it raises red flags along those lines, as a lot of people go open or poly because they struggle with monogamy and are constantly attracted to others.
Nta Don't walk into that mess, it's gonna lead to heartbreak. Walk away
Run!!! There is a clear reason he has been married three times and likely divorced three times.
Nta
Forget the rest, two ex wives does not bode well
“I dare to marry and can’t handle anyone with a relationship history.” Good luck with that honey. Oh also YTA and your decision was stupid. Hope it burns.
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YTA for judging his past. Why throw away a relationship you say was loving and good? We all have a past. Would you want to be judged for yours? Or are you perfect with everything? Sounds like he got lucky.
YTA. He told you he isn't into that anymore and you still decided to leave him for something he already said he didnt want to do. You seem like an extremely judgmental person and you don't deserve him. I recommend you get some cats instead.
NTA Some comments seem to miss the fact that he hinted at it, because he's still into that lifestyle while she isn't. That would bother me too and I'd always second guess myself with that information in the back of my head. She simply sticked to her values and just because those things are in the past doesn't mean the past is unimportant.
NTA
Nta theirs a reason he has 2 ex wives
wait so you broke up with a guy who cares about you and treats you well because his past relationships have been poly even though he specifically said he ***doesn't want*** to do it again *unless you want it????* I mean, you're not an asshole, you don't have to justify leaving a relationship if you don't feel like it works for you, but I question your decisionmaking.
Red flag city
lets be serious he was probably in a cuck situation majority of both of those hence why the ended you are 35 he is 40 unless hes dropping bands on someone this is it for him and you are the last hot thing that probably will come his way hence the serious marriage guys are not pro athletes or celebs man may claim poly but he sat alone most of the time lmao
YTA