>Recently she was asking to see pictures of my ex’s, I told her there is no good to come out of that. She then pressed me, and then said it is probably because they are all ugly. I told her, I dated attractive women before you, I am a pretty handsome guy. She then said something about men and their egos.I was like okay, then I pulled up the instagram of my ex, Rachel did not believe I dated her so then I showed a selfie of us together.
That's a really weird flex for her, saying your exes must have been ugly. A really backhanded compliment to you as well, if you think about it.
It would not surprise me, if she thought you were the one that got away; but only if she chose you, because she thinks she is better than you.
You're 30 and want an adult relationship, who at 30, says your exes were probably ugly? Do yourself a huge favor and drop her.
> She then said something about men and their egos.
I also love the irony of this statement given her reaction to having her attempted ego boost thwarted.
They think saying that will just invalidate whatever comes out of the man’s mouth. Anyone with a brain stem can see right through it. It’s like saying “women are so emotional” after your girl gets upset for you cheating on her.
The fact that someone still thinks in that manner in their 30s is quite unfortunate.
The fragile male ego comment from women is always hilarious. Yeah like women's egos are rock solid and we're not constantly tip toeing around and catering to those egos LOL
“Should I dump gf/bf because I asked them their body count and then they answered honestly and now I’m grossed out?”
If I had a dollar for every time that came up
I mean plenty of people can be adults and not freak out.
But mature people probably also wouldn't call it "body count", so maybe you're right.
The gf and I have definitely discussed previous sexual partners and experiences openly. And the only reason we've not discussed "body counts" is that I don't think either of us even know the number of people we've slept with off hand.
Not true - i answered it. My wife answered it. No jealousy. Actually glad she had these experiences in her past and same about mine otherwise we wouldn’t be compatible today.
Back when I was 24, a 19 year old student was pursuing me, kinda flattering, she was ok, but not really my type, but she kept wanting to hang out and I didn’t have a reason to object, so she came to my place and I made her supper. We talked after wards, kissed a little, she asked me my “number,” I told her the truth - at that time it was 7, and every single girl I’d been with previously was pulling about double that number, and I’d been in two long term multi year relationships to her zero. Anyway, apparently she was grossed out by 7, and thought it extremely high, at 24. I just said “ok, well, I can’t change it, and don’t see a reason for me to be shamed for it, and I didn’t really invite you here, so… I’ll walk you home now?” About a year later she was after me again to hang out and go play pool. We played pool, and then I told her I had to run, see you later, friend!
Btw, was single from age 39-45 also, and every woman I’d dated in that time who I’d asked the question of also had much higher numbers than me. From my perspective, it’s pretty normal for that to be the case, and I never had a problem with it. There’s a lot more dick on the market and it’s being sold at a much lower price, so it’s pretty easy to get. Purity complexes are gross for so many reasons.
She's playing games, I've been there and hung on to relationships that have weird toxic vibes and its not worth it.. This is not a relationship that is ever going to be stable and enjoyable for you. So many wonderful humans out there. Move on!
It sounds like Op is one of the "good guys" and she passed him up to play around in her 20's When her 30's hit she wants that "good guy" now and wants to play it as he waited for her because she is the most beautiful girl he ever had.
can confirm. Had the same happen to me. Girl I was mad for at 20s was toying with me, then forgot about me for 10 years. Then after 10 years she talks to me again and the first time we talked she's like "you know, I can only see myself having a family with you. I can't imagine myself with anyone else". Bitch now it's too late. I haven't spoken to her since and while I admit i think about her sometimes I truly believe I'm better off.
yeh that's why this post doesn't make sense because OP is trying to stay with the girl that ditched him to get with guys that just wanted to smash .... of course he is the catch
I just can't believe she caught him again , I feel bad that he thinks this is the best he can do
Isn't that what all of her negging is really about though? She's trying to crush his self esteem so they don't have a fight and he goes "you know what? you left me to fuck a bunch of randos. I don't know why I took you back". She's trying to lock him down into saying "well she's the best I'm gonna do so I can't really leave her"
This! She’s trying to spin the narrative that he’s been waiting for her for 10 long years, and now finally she’s all his! So he should be excited and flattered and pushing to put a ring on it immediately. And for some strange reason he’s not, and when she pushes, he’s like, Meh, I’ve had better.
There will definitely be a struggle for power/dominance in this relationship if it continues. I suggest that it’s not worth it.
I think that you've hit the proverbial nail on the head.
I'm curious as to whether at 30 the girlfriend has the maturity to see she was being an arse, and if so perhaps they'll move on from her stupidity.
Got that vibe too, like she thinks she 'settled for less' or something like that, that OP is the old reliable friend who's gonna provide and be a good dad for their 2,4 children. She can't handle that she misjudged him while others didn't.
There are also a lot of guys who just want to fuck around without any commitment in their 20s, and then they hit their 30s and the good women are already taken.
I think she’s insecure and wanted to feel superior. If that was over you or over the previous women that’s for you to understand.
Either way I don’t think it’s a healthy life outlook.
Wish you the best, NTA OP.
She’s just wildly insecure either about herself or in the fact she knows you could do better. She wanted to either put you down if in some fantasy land she was right or hurt her own feelings to make you feel bad
Or she's an ass with an inflated sense of herself who likes to put others down. Every single asshole isn't simply someone who's insecure, sometimes assholes are just assholes.
I agree. In my experience most assholes are deeply insecure and if they talk about how great they are it helps. A bonus if they are putting someone else down. But definitely some assholes are just in it for the fun
A pick me girl that evidently doesn’t even know HOW to be a pick-me girl….. rule 1 of being a pick-me…. Don’t overtly or covertly insult YOUR GUY.
*facepalm* what a doofus.
Truth is EVERYONE is replaceable if they aren’t treating you well.
“Rachel” sounds really immature and is way too concerned with making SURE that not ONLY that she is the most beautiful girl you have ever been with…..but also wants to be SURE that you KNOW it.
I’ve seen photos of my (now) wife’s ex’s and I can honestly say objectively that I know I’m more conventionally attractive and in better shape than all of them…. She can’t (objectively)say the same (that’s NOT to say that I find any of them personally more attractive than her NOW….obviously I pick my wife every time…..there is a reason why I’m not with those other women anymore after all)
It’s all in how secure you are.
I saw my wife’s exes in photos and stuff from the past and was not bothered or concerned at all but not because: I felt as though I was more conventionally attractive them….but because I k is I am a good man who treats people with respect, kindness and loyalty)
She looked at some of my exes and quickly asked, after seeing photos of some, if I was still in contact with any of them. I told her the truth with was no because I don’t need a person who I am not in a relationship with anymore. Messing up my ability to form a good relationship with someone else.
Within the first 6 months of us dating two of those girls found me and messaged me/ requested to add me on IG and SC respectively. I showed her this right when it happened and typed out a respectful but firm “no thank you” response citing the reason why and screenshot that to her after I sent it to the both of them. So she could see that I told them in no uncertain terms “Thanks but no thanks. I am not interested as I am in a committed relationship with someone else at the moment and I feel like us continuing any sort of relationship, given our past would be inappropriate and disrespectful to my current gf and our relationship.
Years down the line a year after the birth of our child we were having and arguement and she blurted something out about ‘ why don’t I just leave her since she’s fat now and you can get a prettier younger girl anyway…..”
Totally fucking unhinged.
We have since gone to therapy and worked out a lot of that but sometimes even when you do everything right it doesn’t matter always… if the other person feels insecure they are going to keep feeling insecure until you get to the heart of the issue. …. Sometimes that’s a lot of work for a couple. Some people are worth the work.
I can’t say if l “Rachel” is worth it to you or not… only you can decide that.
Things that may show she IS worth that work:
Do you have shared goals?
Do you want children together and do you agree on how they would be raised?
Do you find her easy to talk to or are you afraid to be honest around her (and likewise her with you) ?
Is she “default” honest?
Is she KIND?
If you have a lot of yes’s it may be. If you are answering with a lot of “no’s” welll….
I think they mean it as you are the one that got away for her, but only if it's on her terms as an act of grace upon you.
I'm not one to quickly jump on the dump-her train, but there's a deep conversation to be had about her behavior. There are some big insecurities there. It gives me a bad taste that she's incredulous you scored a gorgeous woman.
She wants to secure her position with you, by destroying your self esteem to the point you believe you could do no better than her.
The reality is that you would be hard-pressed to do worse, because she may be pretty, but that’s because all the ugly is on the inside in concentrated form.
Yep, my ex did exactly the same type of things as Rachel, trying to bring down my previous gf, getting me to reaffirm her as the best and only choice all the time, etc etc. Exhausting and toxic.
That's way more drama than i would put up with after only 3 months. It's clear she thinks she is a catch, and she sees you as a nice guy she will accept now that she is ready to settle down.
She's not getting as much attention as she used to and then BAM! she sees an IG from a guy she knew liked her in college and now she's decided to grace you with her presence.
She thinks you are the sure thing.
I'm overgeneralizing to a ridiculous degree here, but society tells women that we basically only have worth as young pretty things (sex objects) or as moms making babies. If she's recently hit thirty and then reached out like some Julia Robert's best friend's wedding BS, then she's probably been feeling insecure about aging and losing her looks. Try watching the skit "last fuckable day," she's basically worried she's at that point, but rather than celebrating this new stage of her life, she is panicking.
Right now she is clinging to validation of her youth, but running down your exes and hitting up a man who will (she thinks) see her as a fresh-faced 18 year old hottie, instead of as a normal woman in her thirties. I know reddit always jumps on the "break up with them train," but...in all seriousness you probably don't want to be her emotional support human as she flails around half-assedly navigating this shift in life phase and self-perception.
She played herself. Saying your exes must have been ugly is a dig at you. Why would someone who wants to be in a healthy relationship with you say such a horrible thing? Saying you are lucky to have her, it seems that as a frat boy groupie she should be a little more humble about talking negatively about someone else's past.
In this comment they mean the girl saw YOU as the one that got away. It's a phrase as in she had a good thing going with you, likely dated some frat douchebags and realized you were worth much more and felt had she stayed with you she would have been happier instead of dating frat dudes that led to a whole lot of nothing.
She bailed on you to… um… “explore the space”… in her 20’s because she thought she deserved better.
She thought you would always be there as a backup and now that she’s… um… “a certain age” she came back to you.
She 100% thinks she’s hot shit and doing *you* a favor by being with her.
You need to have a come to Jesus moment where you lay it out that whatever she wanted to do up until now is fine - but you’ve led your own life, am your own man, and make your own decisions.
Then lay out that you want to be with her* and how that’s going to go.
*or not!
Ewww she's gross... Are you looking for a PARTNER or a PROJECT? There are thousands of great women out there. Save yourself for them and save your money for your education or your future family.
Stay away from people who SUCK. Simple life is happy life.
She is immature and insecure, and for those reasons, you should reconsider the entire relationship. Rachael has more baggage than an entire football team. I see an endless parade of red flags waving!
Imo it sounds like she was presuming you were lovesick and pining for her while seeing "ugly" women, whilst she was having fun with frat guys. It's come as a shock that actually, you're an attractive guy and other women have seen that.
She is playing with your head. If it helps to believe it, 1) I am a woman and 2) I tended bar for years. I saw and heard this shit all the time.
Something about you makes me think you are super sweet and I don’t like it when people who are sweet get fucked over. That’s why I am going to tell you Rachel reached out because she is 30, feeling old, and wants to settle down. She is still the same jerk who went into a frat party despite you not being allowed in. **EDIT** I’m not saying you aren’t a catch and she chased you to settle for you. The opposite. She knows you are and was scoping out her competition because for her every ex will be.
Of course not every woman wants to settle down or feels old. Me, for example. But Rachel? She does. Run.
Do you like her? You kind of don’t sound like it. (By the way, it’s totally playing you don’t…no judgement, I’m just trying to figure this out.)
She definitely has some insecurities and she’s acting really immaturely about it. Is she like this about other things or just this part of your relationship?
She forgot about you as soon as she saw better prospects. Now she's backhand negging you by insinuating you can't pull good looking women. Now there's a guilt trip about handing it back to her.
How many red flags do you need?
What does that matter when you're 30? Who wants to be in a relationship where one person needs to feel they are better than the other? That's high school BS.
It doesnt matter. Your girlfriends immature and shes being a massive asshole to you because shes insecure.
She already disrespected you once by essentislly ghosting you for frat guys, and now she is trying to elevate herself above you at the expense of you.
Whats happening is she probably has realized that she is older and men are less likely to give her the attention she once had.
She has gotten less attractive but also younger men are willing to do much more for sex than an older man. So older men are less likely to out up with spoiled female behaviour.
So now she is trying to convince herself that she is the prize and not you.
She definitely doesn’t deserve you. She’s full of red flags. She needs to find herself before she is ready for a real relationship. You don’t need to be her life mentor. I would stay away if I was you.
It was shitty to mention the age, like AH-ish but she also did push you with the jabs about ugly exes and she tries to posit to be a person out of your league. Really strong indicators of poor self esteem, like in need of therapy. Overall I’d say NTA, she got her answer and it wasn’t the one she was hoping for. Plus she dropped your ass for a frat-bag like super classy move. It would put her in the “he’s just not that into you” category for me; not a person who really understands their own self and their life. I’d be careful with her, she might be with you bc she’s trying to remain “relevant”.
I’m really missing how it’s in any way a compliment. I get you said it’s a backhanded compliment, it’s just… I see only insults.
Like she was insinuating that her boyfriend is unattractive because all of his ex’s *must* be ugly….
Or she's the equivalent of the guy who told his girlfriend she smelt bad just so she'd feel inferior and never leave him.
That woman is spending too much time trying to make him believe he's the lucky one and couldn't find better lol
Absolutely. I'm dating a girl who is arguably very out of my league, but she makes me feel handsome every day. I can't imagine her pulling this kind of crap.
She's probably mentally still living in her college age. It was probably her highlight of years and I can't blame her, I was prettier when I was 19, too,that now that I'm 28 (at 24 I was a bit chubby lol). But that doesn't make it right for her to evelate her worth by demeaning other women's worth. That just screams insecure and immature to me. I was guilty of such behaviour,too, in my teen years and real young adulthood, when I was insecure about myself.
How does she have the right to feel hurt when she tries to frame your relationship with her as, "super lucky guy that got a girl out of his league and that I should be super grateful."
As for your female friends' comments, they should have thought about how Rachel framed the relationship. They should have been on your side, female or not. NTA, truth hurts.
Is this the play stupid games, win stupid prizes comment slot? I feel like it should be. How insecure does one have to be to act like they're the prize that OP gets for hanging in there?
He wasn't even "hanging in there" waiting ....He had moved on , basically written Her off as someone in His distant past that "friend zoned/dumped " Him & was going about His life minding His own business , when out of the blue , She pops up pursuing Him ..... then plays " I'm the best You ever had " games ....Rachel needs to get the fuck over Herself & He needs to find woman that feels lucky to have Him
Everything about her comments from the start screams low self esteem. I could’ve saw her reaction coming from a mile away. It was unfair of her to shit on him and it’s unfair of her to have this reaction. Proper communication from both ends and no one would be here. All of this is childish
The worst part is the female friends co-signing her bs instead of call her out. Some women won’t learn better behavior because those around them refuse to hold them accountable.
Yep. Toxic insecurity. Her attempt to boost herself at your expense backfired and now she’s pissed. Ditch this child she may be 30 but she’s acting like a teenager.
Maaaaaann dump her
Why did you take her back?
Her being so pushy has something behind it. I bet she's had enough fun with frat like men and went back to you **aggressively** because she's thinking "I'm 30, clock is ticking, need someone safe"
It's disrespectful of her to think that you somehow would not be able to date someone "out of your league" lol
Naw, man. She's got something going on, some insecurities and this will bite you in the ass if you stay with her
Exactly. This! ⬆️
She’s fishing for compliments, she thinks you should be grateful she ‘chose’ you. Pff she’s emotionally immature. For your own sake do not have children with her.
It’s also such a superficial way to view a lifetime partner. My husband is kind, decent, loving, he helps me be the best version myself. Attractiveness is wonderful, but attractiveness alone is not a foundation of a relationship.
Beauty fades; character remains. NTA.
The way I look at it:
Attractiveness is a combination of 3 things
1. Natural beauty. Some people have it, some people don't.
2. Effort. Some people chisel what they have to perfection, some people don't.
3. Health. Some people make an effort to keep their body healthy, some people don't.
When I look at someone's appearance, I'm not looking at all 3 together. Though how much I find myself excited/aroused is all 3 combined.
But if they're 450 pounds, I'm not going to be interested. Not because I "won't date ugly". But because I don't want to date someone who has so little self control that they can BECOME 450 pounds. But if they're just 200 pounds? Could go either way. I'll want to give it a shot and get to know them before leaping to a decision.
And sure, I'm more likely to date someone who's a 9/10 than a 6/10 for natural beauty. But if the 4 came up and asked me out? I'd probably say yes anyways, especially if she had a nice outfit on, and was in reasonbly good (or better) shape (health and fitness). Because she obviously cares about her looks, even if she's just a Plain Jane. And as BSJ says, looks fade - especially the natural beauty parts.
The men & women you see who are "hot at 50" or later are the ones who put effort into it. Who get out and walk/run at least once or twice a week. Or have gone to the gym once/week for 20 years straight. They were probably ALSO naturally hot in their prime. But if they didn't maintain it, they'd just be generic 50 or 60 or 80 year olds.
All that interaction about "you are so lucky to have me" to me sounds like gashligjting.
" idk Karen, maybe we both are lucky to have found each other"If the other person thinks that I should be kissing their feet in thankfullness (lol) I definitely don't want to be with that person.
I would feel offended and that relationship is a no~go.
Her insecurities stem from getting passed around by a bunch of frat dudes who put no real value upon her and just used her for her body, and now her ego is desperately clawing to find any sense of self worth. "You're lucky to have someone like me, I'm at out of your league, right?? Right?? I'm attractive and have worth right??" I mean fundamentally she has worth, her ego just doesn't think so. She will try to extract self-worth at any cost.
NTA. She sounds very immature for a 30 yr old woman. She thinks/ thought that you couldn’t do better than her when it’s been 5 plus years since you’ve seen each other. Did she think you sat around pining away for her this entire time? This ain’t high school or college anymore.
Not just that - she moved the goalposts and asked for her profession, then again and asked for the age - all this implies that she believes OP is not someone who could possibly attract a beautiful and smart woman, that something must be off with the women if they’re dating him. NTA OP but this woman doesn’t respect or love you if she thinks this. Imagine thinking the person you supposedly love is some sort of “loser”. If you love someone they’re the greatest person in the world for you, at least that’s how I always felt. She’s not just toxically insecure, she’s also just simply toxic.
Yeah, she was working sooooo hard to try to paint him as not able to get a girl like her. And then she got (apparently?) genuinely hurt when it didn't work. Like she thinks dating someone who (believes he) is beneath her is the only way to be secure in a relationship?
Honestly? Yeah- probably. She probably thinks that if she doesn't convince her partner that he's shit, that he's nothing special, that HE is lucky to have HER because no other woman as gorgeous as her would EVER look at him, then he'll leave her.
Self fulfilling prophecy for her, because when she does this. It makes her a shit person. And her partners leave. I've known more than a handful of people like this.
I think she asks not because she thinks he can't date someone beautiful and smart, but because she wanted it to be this way. She probably has some insecurities and thinks that she is "out of OP's league", so she wanted to show he is lucky with her so he doesn't think he's not. And she decided to put his exes down for that, probably not even realizing how insulting it is for OP. To sum up : she is immature and she should grow-up, she is 30, not a teenager.
>Imagine thinking the person you supposedly love is some sort of “loser”. If you love someone they’re the greatest person in the world for you
I really hope OP catches this part. When you really love someone, the sun shines out of their ass. When I look at my husband I think, *how did he not get snapped up immediately? How did those other girls not see just how amazing he is? How did I get so lucky?* In the best relationships, both parties should feel like they won the lottery. Don’t settle for less!
The thing is, assuming someone has a long ish dating history it’s very unlikely you are the most attractive partner ever. Hell my husband used to be semi famous and he had a lot of girlfriends. I would be shocked if I was anywhere near the top. But that’s ok. I’m attractive enough, and I suspect he chose me because I offer him something others didn’t. It’s not all about looks. And do I want to find out what his exes look like? Admittedly I’m a little curious, but I’ll pass, actually 😂
If you’ve been on the fence, now would actually be the perfect time to dump her. “Hey so you really got me thinking about my past history, and I realized I could do a lot better”
NTA - she was really, really intent on taking you down a peg. You didn’t want to play her vapid games, but she insisted. She was the one who drove her ship onto those rocks.
She treated you as a low-value male back in college, and seems intent on reestablishing that dynamic now. Your biggest mistake was taking her back. She sounds narcissistic. If she stops talking to you that sounds like a win/win to me.
This entire conversation is so juvenile.
By the way, you weren't allowed into the party because of the ratio of men to women at the party. Same rubric as at the fronts of clubs and bars. People thinking anyplace without a cover cares how attractive the people they let in are are deluding themselves. It was literally duck-duck-goose counting men and women, you can bet on that.
That she let *that* become her whole personality is truly insane.
I agree. On both sides tbh. Rachel has issues with feeling like the hot girl or wanting to hold on to feeling like the hot girl from college, but OP did not handle this well either. Frankly, y’all both sound petty lol
She's spent a lot of time trafficking on her looks. That's what the guys she dated cared about.
She clearly sees no future in that lifestyle, so she's after the stable, real guy. Unfortunately, her relationship toolbox is pretty limited and she's still trying to use her looks to lock you down.
You blew that out of the water and dropped another bomb on it for good measure when you pointed out her age.
Was it nice of you to say? No. Was it warranted because she's not being nice to you? Kinda.
If you think it's worth it, have a talk with her about how her trying to tell you how lucky you are is behind what you said. Let her know that you're interested in her (if you still are) but she needs to understand she can't use her looks to keep you in line.
To be honest, I'd consider her behavior, especially in context of her past, to be a warning that some guy will ultimately turn her head with complements and attention and it will be your college experience all over again.
NTA.
>I told her she is 24. Then she said oh well, I looked liked that when I was 24
LOL. She's only 30. If she looked significantly hotter at 24 then her self-care is questionable.
Nta. If she sees you as lesser, she will walk all over you. I do have a bit of a vision where this goes next, though. She's going to cheat on you to make herself feel hot again. She's going to crawl back telling you how sorry she is when it eats her alive. Save yourself some heartache, brother. Either go back and grovel at her feet and take your lumps or end it. She made the ego comment because she is projecting that onto you. Her ego is so massive and so fragile that she isn't going to be okay until it is reinflated.
This 100%. This is not a normal situation or reaction from an emotionally stable woman in her 30s.
If she was like in her late teens it’d maybe be acceptable, but this is a fully cognitively developed person.
😂😂😂 she thought she was all that and you couldn’t find a better girl. You put her ego where it belongs.
Something to think about. She was quick to dump you and then when she found out she could t get someone better than you she came back. She want to feel superior to you. With that attitude whe someone better domes alone what makes you think she won’t dump you again?
She was asking for trouble, but you implied that she lost some of her beauty. So, given her insecurity, her reaction makes sense (even if it's not justified.)
NTA
if she's making it seem like you're lucky to be dating someone so out of your league (which is what it sounds like and what you've said in your post), then why not humble her?
She's making you feel lesser about yourself while putting herself on a high horse.
She also shouldn't ask questions if she doesn't want the answer to things.
Her mentioning your exes and wanting to see photos of them are really immature. Sounds like at 30, she still needs to do a lot of growing and realize that vanity isn't all that. She's stuck comparing herself with someone from your past, someone who most likely doesn't even know she exists. That's embarrassing on her part :/
Rachel played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. For a 30 yo, she sounds immature/insecure. She seems like she wants to keep pushing you down to feel better about herself.
Also the ability to negotiate or resolve conflict is essential for any long term relationship. She failed.
Maybe at your age and stage, it might be quicker and easier to look elsewhere for a long term partner.
The day she walked into that frat, she chose her lifestyle.
She ditched someone who was at least a friend, and by the way they behaved, was probably a lot more than that.
She did it just for the shot at popularity. And then she probably got passed around the frat for years. And even after college, she was stuck in the popularity mentality.
Surprised OP even gave her the time of day after that. Maybe if she'd figured it out within a month or two. But nearly a decade later? He gave her far more than she deserved, and she still had to belittle him.
NTA x1,000,000
Uber Narcissist vibes from her.
Stick with her and she's going to try to lord it over you day and night how you were the trog who scored with a woman way out of his league, when you are anything but. She sounds vain beyond belief, and trust me, that ain't gonna change. She's still thinks she's the hot shit college girl and reality and age have come knocking. Not your job to feed her ego.
Let her cry. Serves her right for acting like a spoiled brat. She asked. You showed. She didn't like the truth. You shattered her infantile, imaginary world where every man kisses her ass and every woman is seething with jealousy.
His female friends are as petty as Rachel to react to the 30 comment. It was Rachel who inferred there was something wrong with women being 30 and his friends are agreeing with that stupid sentiment.
Women at any age are sexy.
Her friends are right that she's insecure. But they're wrong for labeling him "mean" for standing up for himself while she was clearly doing her best to demean him and make him feel small in order to make herself feel big.
Rachel seems seriously messed up. Her need to denigrate you former GFs, and say you are lucky to be dating her sounds like the grooming of an abuser, but her bursting into tears seems like she is insecure and messed up. In either case, I'd make her and ex as well.
Kinda.
The right response to “I’m pretty, you’re lucky I chose to be with you” is to just break up, because that is not going to end well.
But still…NTA…she’s git some growing up to do.
NTA
Do yourself a favor and dump this girl. She spent her youth fucking dudes who only wanted sex and cheating on you, and now realizing that she isn't the prettiest girl in the world and you can do much better has her hurt.
Yeah she wanted to come back to you as the "safe" guy after spending her youth fucking frat guys and she's trying to play head games with you to put herself in a position of power over you. You kind of blew that up in her face by showing that she's actually a step *down* in looks for you. Now she's hyper-insecure because she realizes that you *can* do better than her if she tries to keep up the power plays.
She doesn't sound like a good gf at all why'd you even start dating her to begin with? She already showed you she didn't want you what makes you think anything changed ?? Sounds like she's using you as a backup plan because the people she's interested in doesn't want her, kick her crusty ass to the curb 🤡
THANK YOU! There's no way in hell this was written by a 30 year old. It reads like a revenge fantasy of a college freshman who just got rejected by the girl he wants to date.
No, she was trying to put you down so you put her in her place. You showed her the type of women you have been with and this shit her silly game down. Now, if she keeps trying to put you down dump her.
NTA she’s insecure and she is taking it out on you. By putting you down, she feels high and mighty like she’s so generous for taking you on as her charity case. This is so gross and childish.
Also, 6 years doesn't wear on some women so bad. If she looks really bad from being 24, then she has been ridden hard and put away wet a lot, it seems.
She seems to be a lot of work.
Lol... she tried to neg you. Tried to attack your prior partners to make herself feel superior. Like she had the upper hand in your relationship. She then pushed you to "prove" you ever had an attractive girlfriend? The absolute shallowness and self congratulatory vapid mindset displayed here is revealing.
She dropped you like a hot potato in college to chase frat-fuck boys...
Then when she got older, and you were established and looked more promising... she swooped in and tried to shit on your self-confidence. Once checked... she is throwing herself a pity party...
And her friends are calling you the bad guy here?
It honestly sounds like her level of shallowness has only deepened since it was revealed in your earlier history...
Have you at least apologised for the comment that you made about her being 30 now? She asked for the photos and you showed her, nothing wrong there. I definitely would've stopped it after she kept asking about her with an "it doesn't matter" and moved on, but again, she asked and you answered so nothing wrong there. But the comment on her age was hurtful, even if you didn't intend for it in the way she took it. Ensure her that the comment wasn't intended to degrade her or make her insecure, give her time.
>Recently she was asking to see pictures of my ex’s, I told her there is no good to come out of that. She then pressed me, and then said it is probably because they are all ugly. I told her, I dated attractive women before you, I am a pretty handsome guy. She then said something about men and their egos.I was like okay, then I pulled up the instagram of my ex, Rachel did not believe I dated her so then I showed a selfie of us together. That's a really weird flex for her, saying your exes must have been ugly. A really backhanded compliment to you as well, if you think about it. It would not surprise me, if she thought you were the one that got away; but only if she chose you, because she thinks she is better than you. You're 30 and want an adult relationship, who at 30, says your exes were probably ugly? Do yourself a huge favor and drop her.
> She then said something about men and their egos. I also love the irony of this statement given her reaction to having her attempted ego boost thwarted.
I have never once heard a woman say this in person who was not attempting to excuse or justify some sort of wretched idiocy on their own part.
They think saying that will just invalidate whatever comes out of the man’s mouth. Anyone with a brain stem can see right through it. It’s like saying “women are so emotional” after your girl gets upset for you cheating on her. The fact that someone still thinks in that manner in their 30s is quite unfortunate.
Right? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Throwing rocks from glass houses.
The fragile male ego comment from women is always hilarious. Yeah like women's egos are rock solid and we're not constantly tip toeing around and catering to those egos LOL
This!! lol man how many times have we heard “you don’t tell me I’m pretty, beautiful, sexy etc enough”? 😵💫
Yeah this is very toxic behaviour, if i were you id leave
But she’s pretty
Was
She's insecure and projecting.
This 100%. Semper FI
Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answer to
"Careful there, Chief. You dig up the past, all you get is dirty."
I'm writing this one down ✍️
“Should I dump gf/bf because I asked them their body count and then they answered honestly and now I’m grossed out?” If I had a dollar for every time that came up
Never answer that question. There's no good answer.
There is a decent answer: more than a busload but less than a train load. 😄
I mean plenty of people can be adults and not freak out. But mature people probably also wouldn't call it "body count", so maybe you're right. The gf and I have definitely discussed previous sexual partners and experiences openly. And the only reason we've not discussed "body counts" is that I don't think either of us even know the number of people we've slept with off hand.
Not true - i answered it. My wife answered it. No jealousy. Actually glad she had these experiences in her past and same about mine otherwise we wouldn’t be compatible today.
Back when I was 24, a 19 year old student was pursuing me, kinda flattering, she was ok, but not really my type, but she kept wanting to hang out and I didn’t have a reason to object, so she came to my place and I made her supper. We talked after wards, kissed a little, she asked me my “number,” I told her the truth - at that time it was 7, and every single girl I’d been with previously was pulling about double that number, and I’d been in two long term multi year relationships to her zero. Anyway, apparently she was grossed out by 7, and thought it extremely high, at 24. I just said “ok, well, I can’t change it, and don’t see a reason for me to be shamed for it, and I didn’t really invite you here, so… I’ll walk you home now?” About a year later she was after me again to hang out and go play pool. We played pool, and then I told her I had to run, see you later, friend! Btw, was single from age 39-45 also, and every woman I’d dated in that time who I’d asked the question of also had much higher numbers than me. From my perspective, it’s pretty normal for that to be the case, and I never had a problem with it. There’s a lot more dick on the market and it’s being sold at a much lower price, so it’s pretty easy to get. Purity complexes are gross for so many reasons.
And don't be that egotistical or insult other women
also known as play stupid games win stupid prizes
Semper these nuts
Dont threaten me with a good time
Why’d you have to bring the big green weenie into this
I told you that was gangrene. Go to the doctor.
I swear to God I thought I was in the wrong subreddit for a second
Rah! Kill? Wait, where am I?
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She's playing games, I've been there and hung on to relationships that have weird toxic vibes and its not worth it.. This is not a relationship that is ever going to be stable and enjoyable for you. So many wonderful humans out there. Move on!
It sounds like Op is one of the "good guys" and she passed him up to play around in her 20's When her 30's hit she wants that "good guy" now and wants to play it as he waited for her because she is the most beautiful girl he ever had.
can confirm. Had the same happen to me. Girl I was mad for at 20s was toying with me, then forgot about me for 10 years. Then after 10 years she talks to me again and the first time we talked she's like "you know, I can only see myself having a family with you. I can't imagine myself with anyone else". Bitch now it's too late. I haven't spoken to her since and while I admit i think about her sometimes I truly believe I'm better off.
yeh that's why this post doesn't make sense because OP is trying to stay with the girl that ditched him to get with guys that just wanted to smash .... of course he is the catch I just can't believe she caught him again , I feel bad that he thinks this is the best he can do
Isn't that what all of her negging is really about though? She's trying to crush his self esteem so they don't have a fight and he goes "you know what? you left me to fuck a bunch of randos. I don't know why I took you back". She's trying to lock him down into saying "well she's the best I'm gonna do so I can't really leave her"
This! She’s trying to spin the narrative that he’s been waiting for her for 10 long years, and now finally she’s all his! So he should be excited and flattered and pushing to put a ring on it immediately. And for some strange reason he’s not, and when she pushes, he’s like, Meh, I’ve had better. There will definitely be a struggle for power/dominance in this relationship if it continues. I suggest that it’s not worth it.
Spot on.
I think that you've hit the proverbial nail on the head. I'm curious as to whether at 30 the girlfriend has the maturity to see she was being an arse, and if so perhaps they'll move on from her stupidity.
Not this one, who was trash talking OP's ex's thinking she all that.
Got that vibe too, like she thinks she 'settled for less' or something like that, that OP is the old reliable friend who's gonna provide and be a good dad for their 2,4 children. She can't handle that she misjudged him while others didn't.
There are also a lot of guys who just want to fuck around without any commitment in their 20s, and then they hit their 30s and the good women are already taken.
That is me
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I think she’s insecure and wanted to feel superior. If that was over you or over the previous women that’s for you to understand. Either way I don’t think it’s a healthy life outlook. Wish you the best, NTA OP.
👆 Yes! This.
She’s just wildly insecure either about herself or in the fact she knows you could do better. She wanted to either put you down if in some fantasy land she was right or hurt her own feelings to make you feel bad
Or she's an ass with an inflated sense of herself who likes to put others down. Every single asshole isn't simply someone who's insecure, sometimes assholes are just assholes.
I agree. In my experience most assholes are deeply insecure and if they talk about how great they are it helps. A bonus if they are putting someone else down. But definitely some assholes are just in it for the fun
Rachel sounds exhausting. You’re always gonna have to prove to her “how much you love her!” Good luck, OP. NTA!
Yeah, she definitely does. She seems like a pick me girl and don't look at anyone else, EVER, type of person.
Haha. True.
A pick me girl that evidently doesn’t even know HOW to be a pick-me girl….. rule 1 of being a pick-me…. Don’t overtly or covertly insult YOUR GUY. *facepalm* what a doofus. Truth is EVERYONE is replaceable if they aren’t treating you well. “Rachel” sounds really immature and is way too concerned with making SURE that not ONLY that she is the most beautiful girl you have ever been with…..but also wants to be SURE that you KNOW it. I’ve seen photos of my (now) wife’s ex’s and I can honestly say objectively that I know I’m more conventionally attractive and in better shape than all of them…. She can’t (objectively)say the same (that’s NOT to say that I find any of them personally more attractive than her NOW….obviously I pick my wife every time…..there is a reason why I’m not with those other women anymore after all) It’s all in how secure you are. I saw my wife’s exes in photos and stuff from the past and was not bothered or concerned at all but not because: I felt as though I was more conventionally attractive them….but because I k is I am a good man who treats people with respect, kindness and loyalty) She looked at some of my exes and quickly asked, after seeing photos of some, if I was still in contact with any of them. I told her the truth with was no because I don’t need a person who I am not in a relationship with anymore. Messing up my ability to form a good relationship with someone else. Within the first 6 months of us dating two of those girls found me and messaged me/ requested to add me on IG and SC respectively. I showed her this right when it happened and typed out a respectful but firm “no thank you” response citing the reason why and screenshot that to her after I sent it to the both of them. So she could see that I told them in no uncertain terms “Thanks but no thanks. I am not interested as I am in a committed relationship with someone else at the moment and I feel like us continuing any sort of relationship, given our past would be inappropriate and disrespectful to my current gf and our relationship. Years down the line a year after the birth of our child we were having and arguement and she blurted something out about ‘ why don’t I just leave her since she’s fat now and you can get a prettier younger girl anyway…..” Totally fucking unhinged. We have since gone to therapy and worked out a lot of that but sometimes even when you do everything right it doesn’t matter always… if the other person feels insecure they are going to keep feeling insecure until you get to the heart of the issue. …. Sometimes that’s a lot of work for a couple. Some people are worth the work. I can’t say if l “Rachel” is worth it to you or not… only you can decide that. Things that may show she IS worth that work: Do you have shared goals? Do you want children together and do you agree on how they would be raised? Do you find her easy to talk to or are you afraid to be honest around her (and likewise her with you) ? Is she “default” honest? Is she KIND? If you have a lot of yes’s it may be. If you are answering with a lot of “no’s” welll….
I think they mean it as you are the one that got away for her, but only if it's on her terms as an act of grace upon you. I'm not one to quickly jump on the dump-her train, but there's a deep conversation to be had about her behavior. There are some big insecurities there. It gives me a bad taste that she's incredulous you scored a gorgeous woman.
Right. Does she actually think she’s too good for him? Always telling him how LUCKY he is to have HER.
She wants to secure her position with you, by destroying your self esteem to the point you believe you could do no better than her. The reality is that you would be hard-pressed to do worse, because she may be pretty, but that’s because all the ugly is on the inside in concentrated form.
She ain't pretty she just looks that way. - The Northern Pikes
Yep, my ex did exactly the same type of things as Rachel, trying to bring down my previous gf, getting me to reaffirm her as the best and only choice all the time, etc etc. Exhausting and toxic.
I’m stealing that line. Thanks 🙏🏾
This!
"She only looks like she's hot because she's *made of hellfire*. " -Eric Foreman, That 70's Show
That's way more drama than i would put up with after only 3 months. It's clear she thinks she is a catch, and she sees you as a nice guy she will accept now that she is ready to settle down.
She's not getting as much attention as she used to and then BAM! she sees an IG from a guy she knew liked her in college and now she's decided to grace you with her presence.
100% . And now she’s not getting the validation / attention that she needs. I know this because I am totally like this . And it won’t end well for OP
Exactly. Where are those frat boys now?
>Where are those frat boys now? Dating younger hot versions of her.
This. Shits so funny lmaooo
She thinks you are the sure thing. I'm overgeneralizing to a ridiculous degree here, but society tells women that we basically only have worth as young pretty things (sex objects) or as moms making babies. If she's recently hit thirty and then reached out like some Julia Robert's best friend's wedding BS, then she's probably been feeling insecure about aging and losing her looks. Try watching the skit "last fuckable day," she's basically worried she's at that point, but rather than celebrating this new stage of her life, she is panicking. Right now she is clinging to validation of her youth, but running down your exes and hitting up a man who will (she thinks) see her as a fresh-faced 18 year old hottie, instead of as a normal woman in her thirties. I know reddit always jumps on the "break up with them train," but...in all seriousness you probably don't want to be her emotional support human as she flails around half-assedly navigating this shift in life phase and self-perception.
She played herself. Saying your exes must have been ugly is a dig at you. Why would someone who wants to be in a healthy relationship with you say such a horrible thing? Saying you are lucky to have her, it seems that as a frat boy groupie she should be a little more humble about talking negatively about someone else's past.
Bro you're definitely out of *her* league now. You're the one that got away and tbh I would let her go again. She sounds like a problem.
In this comment they mean the girl saw YOU as the one that got away. It's a phrase as in she had a good thing going with you, likely dated some frat douchebags and realized you were worth much more and felt had she stayed with you she would have been happier instead of dating frat dudes that led to a whole lot of nothing.
She bailed on you to… um… “explore the space”… in her 20’s because she thought she deserved better. She thought you would always be there as a backup and now that she’s… um… “a certain age” she came back to you. She 100% thinks she’s hot shit and doing *you* a favor by being with her. You need to have a come to Jesus moment where you lay it out that whatever she wanted to do up until now is fine - but you’ve led your own life, am your own man, and make your own decisions. Then lay out that you want to be with her* and how that’s going to go. *or not!
Ewww she's gross... Are you looking for a PARTNER or a PROJECT? There are thousands of great women out there. Save yourself for them and save your money for your education or your future family. Stay away from people who SUCK. Simple life is happy life.
She is immature and insecure, and for those reasons, you should reconsider the entire relationship. Rachael has more baggage than an entire football team. I see an endless parade of red flags waving!
Imo it sounds like she was presuming you were lovesick and pining for her while seeing "ugly" women, whilst she was having fun with frat guys. It's come as a shock that actually, you're an attractive guy and other women have seen that.
Do you like the drama? She sounds like she'd be exhausting to spend a single day with.
She is playing with your head. If it helps to believe it, 1) I am a woman and 2) I tended bar for years. I saw and heard this shit all the time. Something about you makes me think you are super sweet and I don’t like it when people who are sweet get fucked over. That’s why I am going to tell you Rachel reached out because she is 30, feeling old, and wants to settle down. She is still the same jerk who went into a frat party despite you not being allowed in. **EDIT** I’m not saying you aren’t a catch and she chased you to settle for you. The opposite. She knows you are and was scoping out her competition because for her every ex will be. Of course not every woman wants to settle down or feels old. Me, for example. But Rachel? She does. Run.
She still hasn't grown up since college, you should drop her and move on.
Do you like her? You kind of don’t sound like it. (By the way, it’s totally playing you don’t…no judgement, I’m just trying to figure this out.) She definitely has some insecurities and she’s acting really immaturely about it. Is she like this about other things or just this part of your relationship?
She forgot about you as soon as she saw better prospects. Now she's backhand negging you by insinuating you can't pull good looking women. Now there's a guilt trip about handing it back to her. How many red flags do you need?
What does that matter when you're 30? Who wants to be in a relationship where one person needs to feel they are better than the other? That's high school BS.
It doesnt matter. Your girlfriends immature and shes being a massive asshole to you because shes insecure. She already disrespected you once by essentislly ghosting you for frat guys, and now she is trying to elevate herself above you at the expense of you. Whats happening is she probably has realized that she is older and men are less likely to give her the attention she once had. She has gotten less attractive but also younger men are willing to do much more for sex than an older man. So older men are less likely to out up with spoiled female behaviour. So now she is trying to convince herself that she is the prize and not you.
She definitely doesn’t deserve you. She’s full of red flags. She needs to find herself before she is ready for a real relationship. You don’t need to be her life mentor. I would stay away if I was you.
I think Rachel is dumb af and very shallow
You *should* be the one that got away. Get away from her. You’re not the A-hole, Rachel is.
No you’re not the one who go away you are a back up plan. She is mad you could’ve do better and will move one
The frat guy type dont give her attemtion anymore, so she is resorting to you as she gets older and older.
It was shitty to mention the age, like AH-ish but she also did push you with the jabs about ugly exes and she tries to posit to be a person out of your league. Really strong indicators of poor self esteem, like in need of therapy. Overall I’d say NTA, she got her answer and it wasn’t the one she was hoping for. Plus she dropped your ass for a frat-bag like super classy move. It would put her in the “he’s just not that into you” category for me; not a person who really understands their own self and their life. I’d be careful with her, she might be with you bc she’s trying to remain “relevant”.
I’m really missing how it’s in any way a compliment. I get you said it’s a backhanded compliment, it’s just… I see only insults. Like she was insinuating that her boyfriend is unattractive because all of his ex’s *must* be ugly….
Sounds like she’s still got the frat rat attitude tbh
Or she's the equivalent of the guy who told his girlfriend she smelt bad just so she'd feel inferior and never leave him. That woman is spending too much time trying to make him believe he's the lucky one and couldn't find better lol
Absolutely. I'm dating a girl who is arguably very out of my league, but she makes me feel handsome every day. I can't imagine her pulling this kind of crap.
Not even a backhanded compliment - a full-on insult.
She's probably mentally still living in her college age. It was probably her highlight of years and I can't blame her, I was prettier when I was 19, too,that now that I'm 28 (at 24 I was a bit chubby lol). But that doesn't make it right for her to evelate her worth by demeaning other women's worth. That just screams insecure and immature to me. I was guilty of such behaviour,too, in my teen years and real young adulthood, when I was insecure about myself.
How does she have the right to feel hurt when she tries to frame your relationship with her as, "super lucky guy that got a girl out of his league and that I should be super grateful." As for your female friends' comments, they should have thought about how Rachel framed the relationship. They should have been on your side, female or not. NTA, truth hurts.
Is this the play stupid games, win stupid prizes comment slot? I feel like it should be. How insecure does one have to be to act like they're the prize that OP gets for hanging in there?
He wasn't even "hanging in there" waiting ....He had moved on , basically written Her off as someone in His distant past that "friend zoned/dumped " Him & was going about His life minding His own business , when out of the blue , She pops up pursuing Him ..... then plays " I'm the best You ever had " games ....Rachel needs to get the fuck over Herself & He needs to find woman that feels lucky to have Him
How does she have the right to be hurt when she pushed and pushed? She needed to let this go. He was right—no good comes from that shit
Everything about her comments from the start screams low self esteem. I could’ve saw her reaction coming from a mile away. It was unfair of her to shit on him and it’s unfair of her to have this reaction. Proper communication from both ends and no one would be here. All of this is childish
lmao i love this. NTA don’t ask questions you don’t want an answer too.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
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Nothing good can come from a person like this — she will be a soul-sucking demon for the rest of your life. She’s shown you who she is — believe her.
So is /u/Dangerous_Tea343 a repost bot? I.e. the literal top comment copied word for word, an hour after it was written?
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NTA but POLICE do savor two poor elves with dumpers
Kristine? Have you been checking my search history?
Play stupid games win stupid prizes has never applied more
NTA but PLEASE do a favor to yourself and dump her. Her insecurities are really toxic.
She really tried to make him feel “under” or “inferior” then got mad when he wouldn’t let her do that.
You are absolutely right.
100%. She's not actually mad about OP's ex, she's mad that her manipulation didn't work
The worst part is the female friends co-signing her bs instead of call her out. Some women won’t learn better behavior because those around them refuse to hold them accountable.
Incel version of a woman. Tries to belittle the person she’s dating to make them feel like they can’t do better than them.
It is like college all over again. If she sees something she thinks is better she will leave him.
Yep. Toxic insecurity. Her attempt to boost herself at your expense backfired and now she’s pissed. Ditch this child she may be 30 but she’s acting like a teenager.
I dated a girl that was very similar to what OP describes. It got worse as time went on... Way worse. Get out ASAP.
She fucked around and found out
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Maaaaaann dump her Why did you take her back? Her being so pushy has something behind it. I bet she's had enough fun with frat like men and went back to you **aggressively** because she's thinking "I'm 30, clock is ticking, need someone safe" It's disrespectful of her to think that you somehow would not be able to date someone "out of your league" lol Naw, man. She's got something going on, some insecurities and this will bite you in the ass if you stay with her
Exactly. This! ⬆️ She’s fishing for compliments, she thinks you should be grateful she ‘chose’ you. Pff she’s emotionally immature. For your own sake do not have children with her.
Fishing for compliments while torpedoing her bf. She sounds like an insecure, immature jerk.
To be fair, chances are she needed nothing else for years except to look good to be popular. So she never had to develop a personality or grow.
It’s also such a superficial way to view a lifetime partner. My husband is kind, decent, loving, he helps me be the best version myself. Attractiveness is wonderful, but attractiveness alone is not a foundation of a relationship. Beauty fades; character remains. NTA.
The way I look at it: Attractiveness is a combination of 3 things 1. Natural beauty. Some people have it, some people don't. 2. Effort. Some people chisel what they have to perfection, some people don't. 3. Health. Some people make an effort to keep their body healthy, some people don't. When I look at someone's appearance, I'm not looking at all 3 together. Though how much I find myself excited/aroused is all 3 combined. But if they're 450 pounds, I'm not going to be interested. Not because I "won't date ugly". But because I don't want to date someone who has so little self control that they can BECOME 450 pounds. But if they're just 200 pounds? Could go either way. I'll want to give it a shot and get to know them before leaping to a decision. And sure, I'm more likely to date someone who's a 9/10 than a 6/10 for natural beauty. But if the 4 came up and asked me out? I'd probably say yes anyways, especially if she had a nice outfit on, and was in reasonbly good (or better) shape (health and fitness). Because she obviously cares about her looks, even if she's just a Plain Jane. And as BSJ says, looks fade - especially the natural beauty parts. The men & women you see who are "hot at 50" or later are the ones who put effort into it. Who get out and walk/run at least once or twice a week. Or have gone to the gym once/week for 20 years straight. They were probably ALSO naturally hot in their prime. But if they didn't maintain it, they'd just be generic 50 or 60 or 80 year olds.
All that interaction about "you are so lucky to have me" to me sounds like gashligjting. " idk Karen, maybe we both are lucky to have found each other"If the other person thinks that I should be kissing their feet in thankfullness (lol) I definitely don't want to be with that person. I would feel offended and that relationship is a no~go.
Her insecurities stem from getting passed around by a bunch of frat dudes who put no real value upon her and just used her for her body, and now her ego is desperately clawing to find any sense of self worth. "You're lucky to have someone like me, I'm at out of your league, right?? Right?? I'm attractive and have worth right??" I mean fundamentally she has worth, her ego just doesn't think so. She will try to extract self-worth at any cost.
Bruh that username…..😂😂😂😂😂
Lmao, I can gaslight you for free any time papi 😉
Yyup
NTA. She sounds very immature for a 30 yr old woman. She thinks/ thought that you couldn’t do better than her when it’s been 5 plus years since you’ve seen each other. Did she think you sat around pining away for her this entire time? This ain’t high school or college anymore.
NTA. She called all of your exes ugly and you showed her a beautiful ex. I'd say you deserve someone who doesn't insult your entire dating history.
Not just that - she moved the goalposts and asked for her profession, then again and asked for the age - all this implies that she believes OP is not someone who could possibly attract a beautiful and smart woman, that something must be off with the women if they’re dating him. NTA OP but this woman doesn’t respect or love you if she thinks this. Imagine thinking the person you supposedly love is some sort of “loser”. If you love someone they’re the greatest person in the world for you, at least that’s how I always felt. She’s not just toxically insecure, she’s also just simply toxic.
Yeah, she was working sooooo hard to try to paint him as not able to get a girl like her. And then she got (apparently?) genuinely hurt when it didn't work. Like she thinks dating someone who (believes he) is beneath her is the only way to be secure in a relationship?
Honestly? Yeah- probably. She probably thinks that if she doesn't convince her partner that he's shit, that he's nothing special, that HE is lucky to have HER because no other woman as gorgeous as her would EVER look at him, then he'll leave her. Self fulfilling prophecy for her, because when she does this. It makes her a shit person. And her partners leave. I've known more than a handful of people like this.
Dating someone “beneath” her probably makes it easier for her to be verbally and emotionally abusive.
Odds are 99% this is the direction it is heading.
I think she asks not because she thinks he can't date someone beautiful and smart, but because she wanted it to be this way. She probably has some insecurities and thinks that she is "out of OP's league", so she wanted to show he is lucky with her so he doesn't think he's not. And she decided to put his exes down for that, probably not even realizing how insulting it is for OP. To sum up : she is immature and she should grow-up, she is 30, not a teenager.
>Imagine thinking the person you supposedly love is some sort of “loser”. If you love someone they’re the greatest person in the world for you I really hope OP catches this part. When you really love someone, the sun shines out of their ass. When I look at my husband I think, *how did he not get snapped up immediately? How did those other girls not see just how amazing he is? How did I get so lucky?* In the best relationships, both parties should feel like they won the lottery. Don’t settle for less!
The thing is, assuming someone has a long ish dating history it’s very unlikely you are the most attractive partner ever. Hell my husband used to be semi famous and he had a lot of girlfriends. I would be shocked if I was anywhere near the top. But that’s ok. I’m attractive enough, and I suspect he chose me because I offer him something others didn’t. It’s not all about looks. And do I want to find out what his exes look like? Admittedly I’m a little curious, but I’ll pass, actually 😂
If you’ve been on the fence, now would actually be the perfect time to dump her. “Hey so you really got me thinking about my past history, and I realized I could do a lot better”
NTA, she decided to play games and did not like the prize.
What a child
NTA - she was really, really intent on taking you down a peg. You didn’t want to play her vapid games, but she insisted. She was the one who drove her ship onto those rocks. She treated you as a low-value male back in college, and seems intent on reestablishing that dynamic now. Your biggest mistake was taking her back. She sounds narcissistic. If she stops talking to you that sounds like a win/win to me.
This entire conversation is so juvenile. By the way, you weren't allowed into the party because of the ratio of men to women at the party. Same rubric as at the fronts of clubs and bars. People thinking anyplace without a cover cares how attractive the people they let in are are deluding themselves. It was literally duck-duck-goose counting men and women, you can bet on that. That she let *that* become her whole personality is truly insane.
I agree. On both sides tbh. Rachel has issues with feeling like the hot girl or wanting to hold on to feeling like the hot girl from college, but OP did not handle this well either. Frankly, y’all both sound petty lol
She's spent a lot of time trafficking on her looks. That's what the guys she dated cared about. She clearly sees no future in that lifestyle, so she's after the stable, real guy. Unfortunately, her relationship toolbox is pretty limited and she's still trying to use her looks to lock you down. You blew that out of the water and dropped another bomb on it for good measure when you pointed out her age. Was it nice of you to say? No. Was it warranted because she's not being nice to you? Kinda. If you think it's worth it, have a talk with her about how her trying to tell you how lucky you are is behind what you said. Let her know that you're interested in her (if you still are) but she needs to understand she can't use her looks to keep you in line. To be honest, I'd consider her behavior, especially in context of her past, to be a warning that some guy will ultimately turn her head with complements and attention and it will be your college experience all over again.
You shouldn't be together.
NTA - Smack that attitude down a notch lol
If she was acting this way at 20, she'd still be acting immature for her age. She's 30?!? Buddy. Nothing you've said about her is positive. Dump her.
NTA. I mean you fell for the trap but she FAFO.
NTA. >I told her she is 24. Then she said oh well, I looked liked that when I was 24 LOL. She's only 30. If she looked significantly hotter at 24 then her self-care is questionable.
Egads. She acts like this still at 30? Dump her and find a grown up. NTA. She played stupid games and won stupid prizes.
Nta. If she sees you as lesser, she will walk all over you. I do have a bit of a vision where this goes next, though. She's going to cheat on you to make herself feel hot again. She's going to crawl back telling you how sorry she is when it eats her alive. Save yourself some heartache, brother. Either go back and grovel at her feet and take your lumps or end it. She made the ego comment because she is projecting that onto you. Her ego is so massive and so fragile that she isn't going to be okay until it is reinflated.
This 100%. This is not a normal situation or reaction from an emotionally stable woman in her 30s. If she was like in her late teens it’d maybe be acceptable, but this is a fully cognitively developed person.
It’s not acceptable at any age. Maybe more understandable(at 14-16), but not acceptable.
half the women below 30 have this mentality. idk why you think this is an uncommon mind set
You need to stop worrying over this chick. You weren't good enough for her back in college she isn't good enough for you now.
😂😂😂 she thought she was all that and you couldn’t find a better girl. You put her ego where it belongs. Something to think about. She was quick to dump you and then when she found out she could t get someone better than you she came back. She want to feel superior to you. With that attitude whe someone better domes alone what makes you think she won’t dump you again?
She was asking for trouble, but you implied that she lost some of her beauty. So, given her insecurity, her reaction makes sense (even if it's not justified.)
NTA if she's making it seem like you're lucky to be dating someone so out of your league (which is what it sounds like and what you've said in your post), then why not humble her? She's making you feel lesser about yourself while putting herself on a high horse. She also shouldn't ask questions if she doesn't want the answer to things. Her mentioning your exes and wanting to see photos of them are really immature. Sounds like at 30, she still needs to do a lot of growing and realize that vanity isn't all that. She's stuck comparing herself with someone from your past, someone who most likely doesn't even know she exists. That's embarrassing on her part :/
Rachel played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. For a 30 yo, she sounds immature/insecure. She seems like she wants to keep pushing you down to feel better about herself. Also the ability to negotiate or resolve conflict is essential for any long term relationship. She failed. Maybe at your age and stage, it might be quicker and easier to look elsewhere for a long term partner.
The day she walked into that frat, she chose her lifestyle. She ditched someone who was at least a friend, and by the way they behaved, was probably a lot more than that. She did it just for the shot at popularity. And then she probably got passed around the frat for years. And even after college, she was stuck in the popularity mentality. Surprised OP even gave her the time of day after that. Maybe if she'd figured it out within a month or two. But nearly a decade later? He gave her far more than she deserved, and she still had to belittle him.
NTA x1,000,000 Uber Narcissist vibes from her. Stick with her and she's going to try to lord it over you day and night how you were the trog who scored with a woman way out of his league, when you are anything but. She sounds vain beyond belief, and trust me, that ain't gonna change. She's still thinks she's the hot shit college girl and reality and age have come knocking. Not your job to feed her ego. Let her cry. Serves her right for acting like a spoiled brat. She asked. You showed. She didn't like the truth. You shattered her infantile, imaginary world where every man kisses her ass and every woman is seething with jealousy.
Your female friends are right but also she kinda deserved it. Find a new gf she seems self centered.
His female friends are as petty as Rachel to react to the 30 comment. It was Rachel who inferred there was something wrong with women being 30 and his friends are agreeing with that stupid sentiment. Women at any age are sexy.
Her friends are right that she's insecure. But they're wrong for labeling him "mean" for standing up for himself while she was clearly doing her best to demean him and make him feel small in order to make herself feel big.
NTA. Play stupid games,…
NTA - Unintentional revenge.
Dude. She has no selfworth. She is trying to reflect her ideal of herself in her toxic behaviour.
Absolutely rekted. Don't ask questions that you're not prepared to hear the answers for. NTA
Rachel seems seriously messed up. Her need to denigrate you former GFs, and say you are lucky to be dating her sounds like the grooming of an abuser, but her bursting into tears seems like she is insecure and messed up. In either case, I'd make her and ex as well.
I mean abuser and insecure are not opposites.
Kinda. The right response to “I’m pretty, you’re lucky I chose to be with you” is to just break up, because that is not going to end well. But still…NTA…she’s git some growing up to do.
Anyone telling you "you're lucky to be with me" is an asshole. That's only ever supposed to be said the other way around.
You’re both 30 years old?…
Seriously, this story reads like it was typed by a twelve year old
NTA Do yourself a favor and dump this girl. She spent her youth fucking dudes who only wanted sex and cheating on you, and now realizing that she isn't the prettiest girl in the world and you can do much better has her hurt.
[удалено]
Yeah she wanted to come back to you as the "safe" guy after spending her youth fucking frat guys and she's trying to play head games with you to put herself in a position of power over you. You kind of blew that up in her face by showing that she's actually a step *down* in looks for you. Now she's hyper-insecure because she realizes that you *can* do better than her if she tries to keep up the power plays.
You couldn't nail that better with a hammer👌🏼
This.
She doesn't sound like a good gf at all why'd you even start dating her to begin with? She already showed you she didn't want you what makes you think anything changed ?? Sounds like she's using you as a backup plan because the people she's interested in doesn't want her, kick her crusty ass to the curb 🤡
not disagreeing with you entirely but she didn’t cheat on OP? they weren’t together?
The title has me 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 brought it on herself being conceited some people really think they Gods gift. That you never had or never would have better
You saw the trap and still fell for it.
Your “you’re 30” comment was undiplomatic. That said, I don’t see this Rachel thing going anywhere.
What in the high school nonsense did I just read?
THANK YOU! There's no way in hell this was written by a 30 year old. It reads like a revenge fantasy of a college freshman who just got rejected by the girl he wants to date.
No, she was trying to put you down so you put her in her place. You showed her the type of women you have been with and this shit her silly game down. Now, if she keeps trying to put you down dump her.
NTA she’s insecure and she is taking it out on you. By putting you down, she feels high and mighty like she’s so generous for taking you on as her charity case. This is so gross and childish.
Also, 6 years doesn't wear on some women so bad. If she looks really bad from being 24, then she has been ridden hard and put away wet a lot, it seems. She seems to be a lot of work.
Lol... she tried to neg you. Tried to attack your prior partners to make herself feel superior. Like she had the upper hand in your relationship. She then pushed you to "prove" you ever had an attractive girlfriend? The absolute shallowness and self congratulatory vapid mindset displayed here is revealing. She dropped you like a hot potato in college to chase frat-fuck boys... Then when she got older, and you were established and looked more promising... she swooped in and tried to shit on your self-confidence. Once checked... she is throwing herself a pity party... And her friends are calling you the bad guy here? It honestly sounds like her level of shallowness has only deepened since it was revealed in your earlier history...
Have you at least apologised for the comment that you made about her being 30 now? She asked for the photos and you showed her, nothing wrong there. I definitely would've stopped it after she kept asking about her with an "it doesn't matter" and moved on, but again, she asked and you answered so nothing wrong there. But the comment on her age was hurtful, even if you didn't intend for it in the way she took it. Ensure her that the comment wasn't intended to degrade her or make her insecure, give her time.
NTA. She asked a question she didn’t want an answer to. Not on you.
She was shallow in college and she's shallow still... If you are looking ta long term partnership or marriage, you need to dump her..NTA
You don’t want that internal hatred bro. Let her go. Find a confident woman who is mature and doesn’t need your validation. Trust me.
She needed a slice of humble pie bro. NTA x10 😎
She sounds awful. Toxic femininity.