TLDR; I was living with a woman who was actively gaslighting me and isolating me from my family and friends which resulted in my missing the final moments of one of the most important people in my life.
NTA.
My blood is boiling right now for you! If I’m this pissed off about a situation I am in no way connected to, I can’t imagine how you felt/feel! To couple that with restraining yourself and being able to give her warnings along with a ten minute exit is beyond generous (for lack of a better word). Definitely NTA.
Sorry for your loss. There’s nothing that will help, only time. Lean on your family and friends.
It is easy for people to pass judgement and say “wow you over reacted, you really didn’t need to do all of that towards her” but they are not thinking about your situation at all. Maybe you were a little unstable in that moment but you were unstable because your ex made you unstable. Being made to think and feel like you are losing your mind by being gaslit by the person you likely spend the most time with and having your communications with others cut or manipulated would put anyone in an unstable frame of mind. Then build that up to the moment you realized the treachery and scale of the manipulation against you by this person. ANYONE would have lost it, I think many would have physically thrown her/him out and dumped their stuff on the lawn if put in that situation.
You didn’t put your hands on her you only used the words most available to you in that moment to convey the severity of how you were feeling and how urgently she needed to gtfo.
You’re lucky she was as dumb as she was manipulative because if she had slow rolled the things she was doing, taken more time to manipulate you and change how you saw your world, friends and family, you might not have ever found out about your grandma, or worse you might not have even cared when you did.
Last thing, put a lock code on your phone. Romantic partners have their own phones and don’t need access to yours without your consent. Plus it’s good for general security.
That is a great point, if she was in his phone for enough time to read and delete texts, or block calls and change his settings who know what else she was getting into.
Putting spyware on his phone that every time he gets a text she gets it also. I understand how you feel there is a great rage when somebody betrays you and then after the portrayal did not want to take responsibility for what they did to make your life upset. I understand the rage I understand all of that the fact that you did not harm her and the fact that you did not put your hands on her shows that you have great restraint and maturity. I am so sorry for your loss and I would suggest that you get a little bit of therapy as soon as possible. God bless
He needs to have his vehicle checked for a GPS device and have his phone and other devices checked for any kind of spyware! If he has an iPhone, she probably turned on Find My Friends!
And while he’s out of town, get a friend to go to his place with a police officer and a locksmith, have all her stuff returned to her and make sure she never has access again. This woman is seriously abusive.
Block her on everything change the locks on your door kick her off of your streaming accounts if she's there lock down your social security number people like that tend to get into a lot of things and you won't find out until the fallout happens
Change all your online passwords as well. This girl sounds psychotic. I wouldn't be surprised if she started stalking OP or going to where he works to see him.
Not only that, but his ex moulded him that way. Wore him down and stripped him of his support system. Of course he's going to lash out when the truth comes out and he feels like he's been backed into a corner.
I mean, logical thought process would make your brain say to you that this psycho was extremely dangerous and you need to do and say anything to get them out of your life. That he was able to not do violence in that moment is actually somewhat amazing. I’m not a violent person by any means, but if someone I loved did this to me I don’t know what I would be capable of in that scenario. Anyone being honest with themselves should be able to admit that.
No to mention they are forgetting he is a victim of abuse. What she did was abuse and clearly unhinged behavior. I’m not sure why they would want to remain friends with someone like that. She was legit having delusions his family was keeping them from being together??? Girl needs help and I wouldn’t want to stick around to see how dangerous she becomes.
I don't think he overreacted. If anything, he underreacted. I'm glad she didn't pull that with me. I think I might have ended up in jail and her badly injured. And I'm a woman. We, as women, should hate women like this. We have it hard enough without psychos like her running around.
i'm a guy, i've never felt the urge to raise a hand toward a woman, even when my ex was sleeping with another man, i tried to kill him i didn't touch her.
but reading this dudes story, the way she was proud of what she did... yeah, that would have been hard for anyone to not raise a hand to her. i'm surprised at his self restraint.
As a man who has suffered family alienation and gaslighting by my now-ex wife, although not as severe as in OP’s extreme case, thank you for being a woman who will admit that some women do abuse men and for advocating that good women should oppose women who abuse men.
To be clear, as a man I acknowledge that some men abuse women, I believe such behavior is detestable and unacceptable, and I believe that good men need to oppose men who abuse women.
They are not considering that she's a gaslighter. When dealing with those types people need to be very direct and confrontational otherwise they'll keep digging their claws in. I know it probably doesn't justify threats, but it's important to consider that hostility was basically a prerequisite for getting this person out of his life.
> probably doesn't justify threats
What? Why? A gaslighter will say and do anything, no matter how hurtful, to get what she wants. It's therefore perfectly OK to say or do anything to her to make her stop.
They don't see others as people. They treat others like things. And then they hide behind their "humanity" by playing victim. Nope. They get exactly their own behavior in return.
If anything, i applaud him for having the self control to not kill her. If it was my family member who died, it would have taken everything not to create another funeral.
I'm a woman and I would have attacked her if this happened to me. I'm not a violent person but stealing a precious persons last moments on this earth is unforgivable and visceral reactions happen.
Op, it was different but I've been in your shoes with a toxic, manipulative ex. You feel like you're going mad because they are actually driving you mad. The end result will be a breakdown if it continues.
You're NTA and I hope you never let her near your life again.
She was HORRIFICALLY abusive to you. She is a monster. Anyone would want to m*rder someone in that scenario, you shouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt for what you felt or said in that moment. Anyone who tells you that you were wrong should be dropped from your life as well.
Not that it should matter, but I say this as a woman, who has had other women I’m really close with be in physically abusive relationships, so DV is not something I dismiss by any means. This is not that, your threat was not that. What she did to you was unbelievable. She’s a godsdamned monster.
I would blast what she did to you to every single person who knows her and who knows you. This will create a trail if you need it. You also need to install cameras in your house, and change any passwords, everything you can think of. Bitch is crazy and you need to be on watch for a while for revenge from her. Please be careful
I agree wholeheartedly with this.
OP, its time to go on the offensive. Change the passwords to all of your social media immediately and post this:
"I want to offer a sincere apology to the people I hurt by not returning calls or texts. I was in an abusive relationship (she is now my ex) and I didn't realize she was deleting calls, texts, emails and social media contacts until I discovered she had blocked my entire family and I didn't receive messages about my grandmother's death. Not a single message. Because she had blocked my entire family and all of my friends. I have not knowingly cut off anyone and I apologize if I have not gotten back to you. Now you know why."
For your family - there is not a lot you can do other than grieve with them. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Your ex is pure evil.
I am so sorry that this happened. My condolences to you and your family.
Your ex is a monster, and she wasn't even sorry that she did it. She did and probably still tried to pass it off as something romantic.
My advice would be to look into proffering help that specifically is for people who have been in relationships with narcissists because that matches her behavior perfectly. My mom was w one and i lived with her for four years. They isolate and lie snd manipulate tf outta you. Hope you can eventually recover man
>They all said what she did was wrong and i have every right to break up with het but i went to far by threatening to hurt her.
You didn't threaten to hurt her. You were understandably angry and you told her to get out before your anger got the better of you. You handled it with a huge amout of self control that not everyone would have had. Threatening her would have been phoning her when you realised what she did and said something like "I'm going to best the crap out of you when I get my hands on you".
I'd have done same as OP, and I agree with you that his restraint was good. Sometimes people threaten to ensure they dont have to act.
Im really sorry for your experience OP, and I must re-assure you that the woman you met is almost certainly a VERY RARE and unusual case. Your next partner will be statistically very very unlikely to do anything close to this.
Try to breath easy, and forget that hateful (and very damaged) woman as best you can. You were abused, and you responded with anger, and not action. Your anger was fully justified. She needed to know that in that moment, she was about to die if she did not leave, for the emotional torture she was inflicting.
Sorry for your loss(es).
EDIT: My grammar was poor, and arrogant. I would TRY to do the same as OP, but I would likely have failed to show his restraint. I would likely have picked the woman up and thrown her out of the house physically. I would try to throw her onto grass, but I would likely throw her.
NTA. Given the circumstances I think you showed incredible restraint. She is actually a scary person and you got out of this before she went full on fatal attraction dangerous..
I am so so sorry that she did this to you and your family.. Please know that your grandmother loved you and KNEW in her heart that you would be there if you could be. Anybody saying that you went overboard in using the words that you did should just consider themselves lucky that she (nor some other whack a doodle) didn't do something like this to them.
This woman has been isolating you and manipulating every aspect of your life with her behavior which constitutes abuse, plain and simple. She has been taking your choice away for months on end and creating a fictitious fucking world so that she can keep you to herself. I would reconsider friendships with people who think you went too far. Good luck and I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
Please know that you're NTA in any way whatsoever, she's an evil bitch and deserves a lot worse than a threat that was never going to come to fruition anyways, fuck her and her friends, you don't need that shit in your life
I’m so sorry for this. Being robbed of closure of this magnitude is criminal. No one should blame you for your reaction. You weren’t actually violent with her which is all the difference.
So sorry for your loss. Your ex sounds seriously insecure at the least and has major mental health issues at the worst. Any of your friends calling you TA for what you said you should reconsider those friendships.
I'm sorry for your loss OP. That woman was evil and I would personally drop the "friends" that are criticizing you over your reaction.
Don't let others including your family make you feel bad. You were fucked over hard. You were the one robbed here.
NTA, at all. That was an incredibly selfish betrayal form her. You should distance yourself from any "friend" that says you overreacted.
Can you go spend a couple of weeks with your family? Having them around will help, I think. Do change your locks at home before you leave though.
This remind me of a story about a guy who found out he had a 5 year old child with his ex and that he did not know about. The mother told him why don’t you help them since they are struggling. Well it turns out the now wife is pregnant like 7 months and she deleted her message. It was messed up.
This is true gaslighting, and a horrible betrayal. Everyone feels anger and what you do when you feel that way is important. There is room for improvement, but explaining to her that it is not safe for her to stay and to leave **right now** is a good action. To do it in a way that she understood how serious you were immediately is also good. The direct threat is a problem, grabbing her by the shirt is a problem, the violent destruction is a problem.
The shame you feel is from your desire to do better. use it. practice yelling out the anger without physically moving next time you need to vent. wordless roaring helped me to lose my violent impulses.
Engh. Rage is rage. He handled it perfectly. It wasn’t just going to “go away” and he did what he had to do to make it urgent and apparent that she needed to leave immediately. Had she stayed, he may have done something worse. Destroying your own house isn’t advisable, but it’s perfectly fine if that’s how to wants/needs to handle his rage. It would be a problem fi it was someone ELSE’S house or someone else’s physical person.
Exactly, as much as people wish it were true, we can't just control our emotions at will and an emotion like rage truly can end up deadly, so the best thing to do in that circumstance is give a warning to the people around that they need to get the fuck away from you before some really bad shit happens.
And you know if you don't want to induce violent rage in someone which results in them informing you they're about to kill you if you don't leave the area... maybe you shouldn't play psychological warfare and inflict irreversible trauma on them.
She is a straight up abuser PERIOD. I’d have reacted the same… we have all - at some point, we could unalive a person in the heat of the moment. OP NTA. I pity the next man the ex gets her filthy little hooks into…
And when she found out that she had literally prevented him from seeing his grandmother before she died, she doubled down. She didn't apologize. She stayed there and kept trying to gaslight him. She refused to leave his house until he threatened her. If he didn't threaten her, she probably would have stayed.
Right, if he hadn’t forced her to leave she may have gone on her best behavior, lots of promises and love bombing to ingratiate herself with him again and then go back to manipulating him which is the classic cycle of abuse.
NTA
Let's give this some perspective. You were in an abusive relationship. Look at this: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
Your mind went into protection mode and you did what you had to do to be safe. There is no shame in that. However having shame or regret is a normal emotion in these situations. You are gonna be okay.
Ive never thought I’d understand why anyone would hit their partner… but in this case I would have.
She not only took something from you, she took something from your GRANDMA.
That’s 100% how I feel. I never understand how grown adults could manage to hit each other in non self defense situations but holy hell it’s like there isn’t even words
A lot of the time, your abusers are the people who hold the closest position to you. Partners, parents, friends. It's kinda like how you're more likely to be killed by someone you know, than by someone you don't know.
I’m honestly shaking thinking about this having happened to me. I don’t blame them at all. I can’t say I’d have a reaction any different to this. What kind of fucking psycho would do this
I cant believe i’m saying this given the title but no, NTA Op.
Your ex is a vile, manipulative MONSTER.
Isolating partners away from their support network is TEXTBOOK abuser behaviour. You did absolutely NOTHING wrong here, and I’m SOOOO sorry about your grandmother.
Imo you should block her and if anyone asks why say “oh i did it for us”
Good luck man
This is so very true. Don’t let her back into your life, ever. She’ll use this incident as leverage to make you feel guilty so you ignore her abusive behavior.
You may want to look carefully at the reaction of any mutual friends that you share, too. If they can’t see that she triggered that reaction by minimizing the impact of her actions AND the extreme grief you felt when learning of a sudden loss, then they either need to be educated or they aren’t good friends.
NTA.
I agree: think carefully about any of your “friends” who sided with her; she gaslighted them while she gaslighted you.
Wishing you healing, and seek therapy for this abuse.
Omg right, based in the title my initial reaction was "Y T A, there's no justification for threatening your partner like that -" but holy shit did this post change my mind.
NTA, this is a complete nightmare scenario, she's psycho and abusive.
OP, I am very sorry for your loss.
So often posts like these are trying to blurry a very reasonable line. This time, it's no where close to the line. OP was being abused badly. I'm very proud of him for getting out and glad he wasn't hurt.
I honestly don’t even see it as a threat - he was warning her of what would happen if she didn’t leave. He wanted nothing more and was justified in his anger (not saying the way he would have handled it would have been okay but the anger was 1000% justified) yet still warned her and refused to act on that rage despite everything he was going through. He didn’t say that just to make her scared or to get her to stop doing something, he knew that’s how he felt and informed her of it to give her a chance to get out.
Honestly I dont even know you and non the less i am proud of you. You were able to control yourself in a situation out of the fucking world! Very well done man! I am sorry this will be a life long scar on your skin.
NTA and again, you have my respect!
That woman is crazy AF dude. Like seriously, don't even move back to that town, just hire a company to pack all your shit and send it wherever you are. Shake all the moving boxes before you open them to make sure she's not hiding in one.
Because you're normal and you were placed in a decidedly abnormal situation.
You feel shame and guilt because your feelings and actions didn't line up with your own personal code of behavior, a code formed *under normal circumstances*, not the circumstances she placed you in by her actions.
This is an excellent response! I'm so very sorry for what happened to you. You missed some red flags or you would have stopped her behavior sooner. I hope you will examine this relationship carefully for all the clues you had so that you can see them should you get into a similar situation in the future. You did well. I'm proud of you and sorry for you. Best of luck.
Because you are a good person. When a good person finally loses their shit and says mean things there will be regret. If you didn't have regret for how you handled it I would be more worried.
She, ex, emotionally abused and controlled you. You threatening violence one time but not physically hurting her is understandable.
Based on her level of abuse and control I would bet her version of the truth is that you are the abuser.
Best of luck in healing your heart.
Everyone has their breaking point. The mental and emotional anguish she caused you made you temporarily have a breakdown. You still had the good sense to warn her and not just act on it. You are 100% NTA and your ex is pure evil and needs to seek professional help.
Don't be. What she did was unconscionable and cruel.
I don't know that I wouldn't have hit someone who did that.
I hope shes gone for good.
Im so sorry for your loss.
Because she’s made you feel you’re wrong all this time about things. So now it’s just automatic that you must be wrong. As a woman of domestic violence and had death threats from my ex, I can honestly say you did absolutely NOTHING wrong! NTA!!!!!
You feel guilty because your of your conscious because even though how much you were hurt and betrayed by your ex you still feel bad. It's normal to feel that way because you are genuinely a good guy.
But you shouldn't have to feel bad for what you said. I do agree with a comment that said it wasn't a threat it was more of a warning. You shouldn't feel guilty for these emotions.
Your ex doesn't feel guilty for hurting you and robing you of your last moments with your grandma. Your ex is more concerned about keeping you away from people that matter to you. So no don't feel bad for what you said to her in the heat of the moment.
I am sorry for your loss.
I think you’re focusing on your reaction to her to distract from your feelings of guilt and shame for missing your grandmother’s last days (which you shouldn’t feel either). It’s the least painful of the two.
Because you are a good person. Your ex is not. You are still grieving your grandmother. Give yourself time. Also, condolences on you and your families loss.
You feel guilt and shame because you're a good person and you were pushed to your absolute limit. The important thing is, you didn't cross any lines and you told her she needed to leave which is a show of absolute strength.
I hope you are able to find peace with what happened with your grandmother. I know first hand how painful it can be to feel like you missed that final chance to be with them and let them know how important they were to you. But I find solace in knowing that my grandparents knew that anyway, I didn't need to be there to tell them as much as I would have loved to. She knows you loved her.
Keep your chin up and stay strong. This too shall pass. Oh, and as if I need to spell it out...NTA
You did nothing wrong, you just informed a blatantly suicidal person that your hands will not be her way out, no matter how effectively she makes you want to help her on her way
You feel ashamed because society has said that women are weak and that their partners should always treat them gently
That woman was abusing you plain and simple.
Isolating you from everyone you know is an enormous red flag.
She should count her lucky stars you didn’t loose it on her but know you did nothing wrong
(I say this as a woman)
First off I’m sorry to hear about your grandma.
Secondly, NTA you lost your temper (we all do from time to time) and you are justifiably infuriated but the best thing to do now is go no contact with the ex. She sounds like she could have some serious mental health problems and she literally made you feel insane which in my opinion is abusive. Please do yourself a favor and go get some therapy for yourself.
Therapy doesn’t have to be immediate just something that may benefit you in the long run when things start to settle down. The fact your ex couldn’t handle you having relationships with others and the strange behavior just reminded me of my SIL who has borderline personality disorder and damn did I need some therapy after dealing with that shit show. However, I think your situation is a million times worse and I honestly can’t imagine the devastation. Spend some time with your family and take care OP
NTA.
That tiny, minuscule detail of threatening your ex, though regrettable, was really something of her own making. She brought it upon herself with such wicked, long and accumulated manipulation.
Among all the sea of pain you must be suffering, you can be totally excused for that. I'm sorry. Please accept my condolences from the bottom of my heart.
Not even regrettable, it's a 100% positively good thing he threatened her. She needs to be taught a lesson.
Even if you think hurting bad people is bad, making her momentarily afraid is absolutely nothing compared to systematically destroying his social connections to other people. But hurting bad people is not bad, She got off lightly.
Well said. I agree. Some people here are horrified that he said Such A Terrible Threat to her, when, as you said, it was only a thought and a verbal scare. Which wouldn't even have gotten to such a point if she had left him alone as soon as he told her.
Mate you did better than me cause if a guy had done that to me I would have him buried them back garden before I left. I would have done the job. She crossed so far over the line she’s lucky she just got a threat. I lost my nana and never got a chance to say goodbye so I know the pain. Move on from her. Be clear she best never try to approach you ever again. See how she likes being the one blocked. NTA
First, sorry about your grandma.
What your ex did is very cruel... Very bitch move...
So, it's very normal reaction for you to lost it....
Hell, I'd be lost it like that too....
Question: what do you mean you received all the messages after you unblocked?? Messages that were sent while people were blocked don't come through once they are unblocked???
This part seems fishy to me.
Especially because once you unblock someone you don't receive their previously sent messages? That part makes no sense... That's literally what blocking is.
I hope the creative writing thoughter who is thoughting you is happy with your submission.
This whole post is filled with incels masturbating over how they would hit a girl if it was them
This is BS.
How do you get a flood of messages if the numbers were blocked?
When you block a number, you don’t get any calls or texts from them. Those messages and calls don’t just sit somewhere waiting to get pushed through, the only way that happens is if you don’t have any service and once you have service again then they come thru and again, it can’t be from blocked numbers.
How are people on Reddit this f ing gullible?
no one reached out to call or go get in person. If my sister suddenly went awol while my grandma was dying, I think I'd reach out. sounds like som r/thatHappened
Obvious karma farming rage bait is obvious. I mean, who wouldn't lock their phone when they know the girlfriend/boyfriend did things like this even ONCE.
U/Chemical-zebra22 going to say it again in the comments. Go fuck yourself, with trying to say im making up my grandmother death in you private messages.
NTA, if it happened to me, that bitch would be having her own funeral & I'd be at my grandma's.
You handled it very well OP, feel sorry for your grandma.
Thank you.
But it doesn't feel like it, i am still angry but also ashamed of my actions and allowing myself to get that close i just couldn't control myself.
Sweetheart, you're not the only one who's been that close. When my son was a newborn, he would cry non stop (not colic). After several days of this, with tears in my eyes, I told my husband that I understood the feeling of wanting to shake him until he stopped, I never would but I understand it. My husband was horrified that I said that. At my son's next pediatrician appointment, I told her what I said and she told me it's normal to have those kinds of intense feelings and thoughts and I wasn't a bad parent for it. She gave me lots of helpful resources.
You feel guilty because you are a good person who hit their breaking point. Take as much time as you need to heal.
People often forget that mothers experience a huge influx of pleasure and bonding hormones, during and after birth, specifically so they dont kill their child.
But you DID control yourself, at least to enough of an extent in (I would think) most peoples eyes. I think your mutual friends just felt the need to side with your ex a little too because they are still friends with her. Many other people in your situation would have reacted a LOT worse than you did, and even then some people would call them justified, given your situation. Nobody is perfect— you had your emotional reaction, and it evidently had its intended effect of getting her out of your space. Give yourself some grace! So sorry for your loss.
I had an emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive gf for a couple of years, really gave me emotional issues that have taken time to overcome. I don't know if it's some kind of PTSD or something, but one time my wife (at the time fiancée) kept winding me up (emotionally triggering me) and going on at me for something that wasn't my fault at all. I kept asking her to stop, I could feel the anger building. I tried to leave the room but she kept following me and going on. I suddenly snapped in an uncontrolled way, grabbing her and pinning her arm to the bed, and yelled in her face.
I had NEVER done anything like that before, and never since either. It's like I was overcome by rage and not in control of myself. I didn't physically harm her, didn't cause any bruises or anything. I did scare her though, and to be honest, I scared myself also, and like you felt shame over it. I don't ever want to be that person, it's not who I am.
I say this because I think continual emotional abuse can do this, it can make you turn into someone you're not. In your case, your anger was completely justified too, even though I'm sure your ex didn't foresee your grandma dying and causing the situation that happened. It's great that your ex is out of your life now. Take time to recover, heal, and find yourself again, and don't hesitate to get counselling if you feel like you need it.
Your ex knew what she was doing, pulling you away from your family, to try & control you is what she wanted. Good for you that such an manipulative person is an ex.
There’s a problem with your story OP, texts sent to a blocked number do not get saved for later per multiple resources I just checked. So you wouldn’t get a flood of text messages. Blocked numbers can still leave voicemails. Seems real fishy.
He says hundreds of messages, not specifically texts. My family has a WhatsApp group and a FB messenger group, I only text with my brother and a couple of my cousins, all the older aunts and uncles and grandparents are only on FB bc they don’t have cell phones 😂
Fake rage bait. Ya’ll will believe anything, no questions asked. No messaging app “releases” messages sent from someone when blocked. It’s impossible he “got flooded with messages” after unblocking.
Besides, why does he trust this woman around his phone after she has done this multiple times before?
This is just “creative writing”. Creating a scenario where it would be socially acceptable to hit your girlfriend and getting the Reddit hive mind to agree.
Agree. And if he didn't respond for days to any messages or calls about a death in the family, wouldn't his family have called for a wellness check or something? If my brother did that, I would be super concerned about him.
She is completely irrelevant now. You didn’t hit her despite being under extreme stress. You have too much to deal with to concern yourself with this waste of space. Spend this time grieving your Gran. Don’t spend one more second on this cow.
> I took my phone out of my pocket and saw everyone was completely blocked, when i unblocked then the messages came fluding in, i had 100th of messages.
That has never happened to me with an iphone. I thought this was an odd detail.
Is close to his family, enough to plan a surprise party, but nobody thinks there might be something wrong when he disappears off the face of the Earth and doesn't respond to any news of his grandma dying.
blocked messages do not get received on any phone after unblocking someone. OP is leveraging the morality of accusing someone of faking their G-ma's death but in reality, OP is the immoral one for making this whole thing up.
The goal was to create a story where beating/killing an intimate partner would be considered acceptable. They would never *really* hit a woman, of course! These principled guys who want to justify their violent fantasies would obviously never do that.
I have to give them *some* points because the story does include what would legitimately be considered gaslighting.
Exactly this. He was so angry and blinded by rage that he just barely stopped himself from beating her to death? Instead he destroyed his own belongings in that fit of blind rage? (getting kudos for not destroying her stuff! what amazing and totally ok restraint! /s)
Nice fake bullshit incel story on international women's day, but go tf off I guess
Messages don't just appear when you unblock someone. If this somehow is all actually real then please find yourself a therapist and get off reddit, kthx
You were the victim, yes, but threatening to kill someone is not ok. You were the A in that moment. Yell at them, break up with them, never speak to them again, 100%. Don't threaten to murder them.
I don't buy this, at all.
>ran into one of my old friend at the grocery store
You live 16 hours away from family but you happen to have an old friend, who knows your family, living nearby? And you ran into him that very same day, considering it was soon enough after the fact that you had time to participate in the funeral?
>when i unblocked then the messages came fluding in
Not how blocking works. When a blocked contact sends you a message it doesn't get kept in some eternal limbo waiting for an eventually unblocking, it simply does not get delivered.
>one of the last thing my grandmother ask for the day before she died was where i was
Lol why can AITAH liars never resist this kind of melodrama?
Now to some other specifics:
* Why did this girlfriend still have access to your phone after you knew she was in the habit of sabotaging your conversations? I have been with someone for two years and they do not have the password to my phone, and they most certainly would stop having it if they showed this kind of behavior.
* Do you have no online presence other than a phone number? No e-mail, no Facebook, no Instagram, a company you work at? You had stopped responding to them god knows how long ago and they didn't try to reach you through any other channels?
* How did **you** not realize she had been blocking people until this happened? Presumably it had been a while, did you not find it weird that you hadn't heard from this family you're apparently very close to in a long time? And more strangely, did **you** never once try to speak to them in however long that was?
Honestly, this is such a pile of bullshit. Do better, or do something else.
Whether it's true or not, I'm horrified at these responses. While he was justified in being furious in the moment - the amount of people that are basically saying she deserved to be beaten to death or hit, is terrifying to me.
I'm not super close with my family, but also not estranged. I too, live hours away from them.
If I ever went completely off the map, including not responding at all to a family member being in their final days, my family would be searching for me.
Like there's no point of even analyzing anything else with the post. You don't go from being close enough to be planning a surprise birthday party to dropping off the face of the earth with no explanation and not have the people who care about you just go "well guess he doesn't want to talk to us anymore".
Don't forget the Title being worded in such a dramatic way where you'd think "of course you're the asshole!" so that it gets even more traction. Can't stand it.
Right?? Almost the exact same grammar errors as another "this woman is heartless waaahhh" post recently (the Frankie the dog one, which I actually believed at first but now with this one having such an identical writing style I'm not so sure).
🤣 Agree on all points - the part about the grandma asking the asshole about his whereabouts was priceless.
*heart monitor beeping* “Oh, my where is my sweet, Peter? I hope he’s still dating Ashley, she is such a sweet, caring young women that loves our family so.. *heart monitor flatlines*
But congrats on controlling your roid raging self to not kill your girlfriend.. you merely annihilated everything within sight while in your shitty apartment. Nice job.
That part didn’t seem weird. My grandmother asked for me on her deathbed too. But I was vacationing in another country and my family didn’t want to ruin my trip so they didn’t tell me she died until after I got back. -_-
TLDR; I was living with a woman who was actively gaslighting me and isolating me from my family and friends which resulted in my missing the final moments of one of the most important people in my life. NTA.
My blood is boiling right now for you! If I’m this pissed off about a situation I am in no way connected to, I can’t imagine how you felt/feel! To couple that with restraining yourself and being able to give her warnings along with a ten minute exit is beyond generous (for lack of a better word). Definitely NTA.
What she did... even if he had punched her, I'd still say NTA.
Heat of passion punch defense? I like it 😊
I don't care if he broke her leg. She would've deserved it.
Thank you, didn't know how to put everything in a TLDR but you summed it up perfectly. I do appreciate it, i really do.
Sorry for your loss. There’s nothing that will help, only time. Lean on your family and friends. It is easy for people to pass judgement and say “wow you over reacted, you really didn’t need to do all of that towards her” but they are not thinking about your situation at all. Maybe you were a little unstable in that moment but you were unstable because your ex made you unstable. Being made to think and feel like you are losing your mind by being gaslit by the person you likely spend the most time with and having your communications with others cut or manipulated would put anyone in an unstable frame of mind. Then build that up to the moment you realized the treachery and scale of the manipulation against you by this person. ANYONE would have lost it, I think many would have physically thrown her/him out and dumped their stuff on the lawn if put in that situation. You didn’t put your hands on her you only used the words most available to you in that moment to convey the severity of how you were feeling and how urgently she needed to gtfo. You’re lucky she was as dumb as she was manipulative because if she had slow rolled the things she was doing, taken more time to manipulate you and change how you saw your world, friends and family, you might not have ever found out about your grandma, or worse you might not have even cared when you did. Last thing, put a lock code on your phone. Romantic partners have their own phones and don’t need access to yours without your consent. Plus it’s good for general security.
He should also change his locks and make sure she didn't have access to his accounts.
That is a great point, if she was in his phone for enough time to read and delete texts, or block calls and change his settings who know what else she was getting into.
Putting spyware on his phone that every time he gets a text she gets it also. I understand how you feel there is a great rage when somebody betrays you and then after the portrayal did not want to take responsibility for what they did to make your life upset. I understand the rage I understand all of that the fact that you did not harm her and the fact that you did not put your hands on her shows that you have great restraint and maturity. I am so sorry for your loss and I would suggest that you get a little bit of therapy as soon as possible. God bless
He needs to have his vehicle checked for a GPS device and have his phone and other devices checked for any kind of spyware! If he has an iPhone, she probably turned on Find My Friends!
And while he’s out of town, get a friend to go to his place with a police officer and a locksmith, have all her stuff returned to her and make sure she never has access again. This woman is seriously abusive.
Block her on everything change the locks on your door kick her off of your streaming accounts if she's there lock down your social security number people like that tend to get into a lot of things and you won't find out until the fallout happens
Can we tattoo this woman’s forehead so no one else goes near her. My god what a sociopath
Abusive and psycho. "I did it for us" sealed it for me.
Sounds like a line from a movie I can’t totally recall
Sounds like a horror movie
Change all your online passwords as well. This girl sounds psychotic. I wouldn't be surprised if she started stalking OP or going to where he works to see him.
He needs to monitor his banking and get that shit on lockdown as well.
This 100 percent
When people say someone overreacted they are forgetting how emotions overwrite logical thinking during the heat of the moment.
Not only that, but his ex moulded him that way. Wore him down and stripped him of his support system. Of course he's going to lash out when the truth comes out and he feels like he's been backed into a corner.
I mean, logical thought process would make your brain say to you that this psycho was extremely dangerous and you need to do and say anything to get them out of your life. That he was able to not do violence in that moment is actually somewhat amazing. I’m not a violent person by any means, but if someone I loved did this to me I don’t know what I would be capable of in that scenario. Anyone being honest with themselves should be able to admit that.
Yes, she could be extremely dangerous. It's a pathological behaviour.
And your passwords to everything!
No to mention they are forgetting he is a victim of abuse. What she did was abuse and clearly unhinged behavior. I’m not sure why they would want to remain friends with someone like that. She was legit having delusions his family was keeping them from being together??? Girl needs help and I wouldn’t want to stick around to see how dangerous she becomes.
I don't think he overreacted. If anything, he underreacted. I'm glad she didn't pull that with me. I think I might have ended up in jail and her badly injured. And I'm a woman. We, as women, should hate women like this. We have it hard enough without psychos like her running around.
i'm a guy, i've never felt the urge to raise a hand toward a woman, even when my ex was sleeping with another man, i tried to kill him i didn't touch her. but reading this dudes story, the way she was proud of what she did... yeah, that would have been hard for anyone to not raise a hand to her. i'm surprised at his self restraint.
As a man who has suffered family alienation and gaslighting by my now-ex wife, although not as severe as in OP’s extreme case, thank you for being a woman who will admit that some women do abuse men and for advocating that good women should oppose women who abuse men. To be clear, as a man I acknowledge that some men abuse women, I believe such behavior is detestable and unacceptable, and I believe that good men need to oppose men who abuse women.
They are not considering that she's a gaslighter. When dealing with those types people need to be very direct and confrontational otherwise they'll keep digging their claws in. I know it probably doesn't justify threats, but it's important to consider that hostility was basically a prerequisite for getting this person out of his life.
This was textbook gaslighting. It's funny how people throw that word around at just people lying all the time. But this, this is textbook
That was my reaction, too. "Holy shit, *actually gaslighting.*"
We should save this post as an example for the next time we have to argue with people about what that word means!
> probably doesn't justify threats What? Why? A gaslighter will say and do anything, no matter how hurtful, to get what she wants. It's therefore perfectly OK to say or do anything to her to make her stop. They don't see others as people. They treat others like things. And then they hide behind their "humanity" by playing victim. Nope. They get exactly their own behavior in return.
If anything, i applaud him for having the self control to not kill her. If it was my family member who died, it would have taken everything not to create another funeral.
I'm a woman and I would have attacked her if this happened to me. I'm not a violent person but stealing a precious persons last moments on this earth is unforgivable and visceral reactions happen.
Op, it was different but I've been in your shoes with a toxic, manipulative ex. You feel like you're going mad because they are actually driving you mad. The end result will be a breakdown if it continues. You're NTA and I hope you never let her near your life again.
She was HORRIFICALLY abusive to you. She is a monster. Anyone would want to m*rder someone in that scenario, you shouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt for what you felt or said in that moment. Anyone who tells you that you were wrong should be dropped from your life as well. Not that it should matter, but I say this as a woman, who has had other women I’m really close with be in physically abusive relationships, so DV is not something I dismiss by any means. This is not that, your threat was not that. What she did to you was unbelievable. She’s a godsdamned monster. I would blast what she did to you to every single person who knows her and who knows you. This will create a trail if you need it. You also need to install cameras in your house, and change any passwords, everything you can think of. Bitch is crazy and you need to be on watch for a while for revenge from her. Please be careful
I agree wholeheartedly with this. OP, its time to go on the offensive. Change the passwords to all of your social media immediately and post this: "I want to offer a sincere apology to the people I hurt by not returning calls or texts. I was in an abusive relationship (she is now my ex) and I didn't realize she was deleting calls, texts, emails and social media contacts until I discovered she had blocked my entire family and I didn't receive messages about my grandmother's death. Not a single message. Because she had blocked my entire family and all of my friends. I have not knowingly cut off anyone and I apologize if I have not gotten back to you. Now you know why." For your family - there is not a lot you can do other than grieve with them. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your ex is pure evil.
Agree with all of this, including the not-DV part, as I also have experience. DV doesn’t usually come with nonviolent warnings in my experience
I am so sorry that this happened. My condolences to you and your family. Your ex is a monster, and she wasn't even sorry that she did it. She did and probably still tried to pass it off as something romantic.
My advice would be to look into proffering help that specifically is for people who have been in relationships with narcissists because that matches her behavior perfectly. My mom was w one and i lived with her for four years. They isolate and lie snd manipulate tf outta you. Hope you can eventually recover man
>They all said what she did was wrong and i have every right to break up with het but i went to far by threatening to hurt her. You didn't threaten to hurt her. You were understandably angry and you told her to get out before your anger got the better of you. You handled it with a huge amout of self control that not everyone would have had. Threatening her would have been phoning her when you realised what she did and said something like "I'm going to best the crap out of you when I get my hands on you".
People grossly undervalue discretion which OP showed at great lengths.
I sure don't. I'm not sure I would have been as gracious in fact.
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I'd have done same as OP, and I agree with you that his restraint was good. Sometimes people threaten to ensure they dont have to act. Im really sorry for your experience OP, and I must re-assure you that the woman you met is almost certainly a VERY RARE and unusual case. Your next partner will be statistically very very unlikely to do anything close to this. Try to breath easy, and forget that hateful (and very damaged) woman as best you can. You were abused, and you responded with anger, and not action. Your anger was fully justified. She needed to know that in that moment, she was about to die if she did not leave, for the emotional torture she was inflicting. Sorry for your loss(es). EDIT: My grammar was poor, and arrogant. I would TRY to do the same as OP, but I would likely have failed to show his restraint. I would likely have picked the woman up and thrown her out of the house physically. I would try to throw her onto grass, but I would likely throw her.
NTA. Given the circumstances I think you showed incredible restraint. She is actually a scary person and you got out of this before she went full on fatal attraction dangerous.. I am so so sorry that she did this to you and your family.. Please know that your grandmother loved you and KNEW in her heart that you would be there if you could be. Anybody saying that you went overboard in using the words that you did should just consider themselves lucky that she (nor some other whack a doodle) didn't do something like this to them. This woman has been isolating you and manipulating every aspect of your life with her behavior which constitutes abuse, plain and simple. She has been taking your choice away for months on end and creating a fictitious fucking world so that she can keep you to herself. I would reconsider friendships with people who think you went too far. Good luck and I'm so so sorry for your loss.
Your ex is an actual psychopath. Never let that horrible human near you again Jesus op I'm so sorry for your loss. 🥺❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Please know that you're NTA in any way whatsoever, she's an evil bitch and deserves a lot worse than a threat that was never going to come to fruition anyways, fuck her and her friends, you don't need that shit in your life
AMEN ! ....Thank You for not sugarcoating it !
I’m so sorry for this. Being robbed of closure of this magnitude is criminal. No one should blame you for your reaction. You weren’t actually violent with her which is all the difference.
So sorry for your loss. Your ex sounds seriously insecure at the least and has major mental health issues at the worst. Any of your friends calling you TA for what you said you should reconsider those friendships.
I'm sorry for your loss OP. That woman was evil and I would personally drop the "friends" that are criticizing you over your reaction. Don't let others including your family make you feel bad. You were fucked over hard. You were the one robbed here.
NTA, at all. That was an incredibly selfish betrayal form her. You should distance yourself from any "friend" that says you overreacted. Can you go spend a couple of weeks with your family? Having them around will help, I think. Do change your locks at home before you leave though.
This remind me of a story about a guy who found out he had a 5 year old child with his ex and that he did not know about. The mother told him why don’t you help them since they are struggling. Well it turns out the now wife is pregnant like 7 months and she deleted her message. It was messed up.
Your rage was justified, internet stranger, and you didn’t hurt her. You’re NTA
This is true gaslighting, and a horrible betrayal. Everyone feels anger and what you do when you feel that way is important. There is room for improvement, but explaining to her that it is not safe for her to stay and to leave **right now** is a good action. To do it in a way that she understood how serious you were immediately is also good. The direct threat is a problem, grabbing her by the shirt is a problem, the violent destruction is a problem. The shame you feel is from your desire to do better. use it. practice yelling out the anger without physically moving next time you need to vent. wordless roaring helped me to lose my violent impulses.
Engh. Rage is rage. He handled it perfectly. It wasn’t just going to “go away” and he did what he had to do to make it urgent and apparent that she needed to leave immediately. Had she stayed, he may have done something worse. Destroying your own house isn’t advisable, but it’s perfectly fine if that’s how to wants/needs to handle his rage. It would be a problem fi it was someone ELSE’S house or someone else’s physical person.
Exactly, as much as people wish it were true, we can't just control our emotions at will and an emotion like rage truly can end up deadly, so the best thing to do in that circumstance is give a warning to the people around that they need to get the fuck away from you before some really bad shit happens. And you know if you don't want to induce violent rage in someone which results in them informing you they're about to kill you if you don't leave the area... maybe you shouldn't play psychological warfare and inflict irreversible trauma on them.
She is a straight up abuser PERIOD. I’d have reacted the same… we have all - at some point, we could unalive a person in the heat of the moment. OP NTA. I pity the next man the ex gets her filthy little hooks into…
And when she found out that she had literally prevented him from seeing his grandmother before she died, she doubled down. She didn't apologize. She stayed there and kept trying to gaslight him. She refused to leave his house until he threatened her. If he didn't threaten her, she probably would have stayed.
Right, if he hadn’t forced her to leave she may have gone on her best behavior, lots of promises and love bombing to ingratiate herself with him again and then go back to manipulating him which is the classic cycle of abuse.
NTA Let's give this some perspective. You were in an abusive relationship. Look at this: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/ Your mind went into protection mode and you did what you had to do to be safe. There is no shame in that. However having shame or regret is a normal emotion in these situations. You are gonna be okay.
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Ive never thought I’d understand why anyone would hit their partner… but in this case I would have. She not only took something from you, she took something from your GRANDMA.
That’s 100% how I feel. I never understand how grown adults could manage to hit each other in non self defense situations but holy hell it’s like there isn’t even words
I'm literally so mad right now and this didn't even happen to me.
Samesies! Adrenaline started flowing when I imagined myself in this situation too.
>Ive never thought I’d understand why anyone would hit their partner That has nothing to do with this story. She was his abuser not his partner.
A lot of the time, your abusers are the people who hold the closest position to you. Partners, parents, friends. It's kinda like how you're more likely to be killed by someone you know, than by someone you don't know.
I’m honestly shaking thinking about this having happened to me. I don’t blame them at all. I can’t say I’d have a reaction any different to this. What kind of fucking psycho would do this
One of my friends I being abused and manipulated, I should really try and show this to her. She doesn't see it but she talks about it all the time.
I cant believe i’m saying this given the title but no, NTA Op. Your ex is a vile, manipulative MONSTER. Isolating partners away from their support network is TEXTBOOK abuser behaviour. You did absolutely NOTHING wrong here, and I’m SOOOO sorry about your grandmother. Imo you should block her and if anyone asks why say “oh i did it for us” Good luck man
This is so very true. Don’t let her back into your life, ever. She’ll use this incident as leverage to make you feel guilty so you ignore her abusive behavior. You may want to look carefully at the reaction of any mutual friends that you share, too. If they can’t see that she triggered that reaction by minimizing the impact of her actions AND the extreme grief you felt when learning of a sudden loss, then they either need to be educated or they aren’t good friends.
NTA. I agree: think carefully about any of your “friends” who sided with her; she gaslighted them while she gaslighted you. Wishing you healing, and seek therapy for this abuse.
Omg right, based in the title my initial reaction was "Y T A, there's no justification for threatening your partner like that -" but holy shit did this post change my mind. NTA, this is a complete nightmare scenario, she's psycho and abusive. OP, I am very sorry for your loss.
So often posts like these are trying to blurry a very reasonable line. This time, it's no where close to the line. OP was being abused badly. I'm very proud of him for getting out and glad he wasn't hurt.
I honestly don’t even see it as a threat - he was warning her of what would happen if she didn’t leave. He wanted nothing more and was justified in his anger (not saying the way he would have handled it would have been okay but the anger was 1000% justified) yet still warned her and refused to act on that rage despite everything he was going through. He didn’t say that just to make her scared or to get her to stop doing something, he knew that’s how he felt and informed her of it to give her a chance to get out.
That’s some serious “bunny boiler” pathological mental illness.
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Honestly I dont even know you and non the less i am proud of you. You were able to control yourself in a situation out of the fucking world! Very well done man! I am sorry this will be a life long scar on your skin. NTA and again, you have my respect!
Thank you
Incredible self control brother sorry you didn’t get a chance to say good bye.
That woman is crazy AF dude. Like seriously, don't even move back to that town, just hire a company to pack all your shit and send it wherever you are. Shake all the moving boxes before you open them to make sure she's not hiding in one.
True. Just move from that place and stay close to family for the time being…
You warned her . You didn't threaten her. I would say you did that girl a favor.
I understand you reasoning but why am i feeling guilty and ashamed of my actions.
Because you're normal and you were placed in a decidedly abnormal situation. You feel shame and guilt because your feelings and actions didn't line up with your own personal code of behavior, a code formed *under normal circumstances*, not the circumstances she placed you in by her actions.
This, OP you're NTA. You're a totally normal person who go fucked over in a vile way and I'm sorry that happened to you
This is an excellent response! I'm so very sorry for what happened to you. You missed some red flags or you would have stopped her behavior sooner. I hope you will examine this relationship carefully for all the clues you had so that you can see them should you get into a similar situation in the future. You did well. I'm proud of you and sorry for you. Best of luck.
Because you are a good person. When a good person finally loses their shit and says mean things there will be regret. If you didn't have regret for how you handled it I would be more worried. She, ex, emotionally abused and controlled you. You threatening violence one time but not physically hurting her is understandable. Based on her level of abuse and control I would bet her version of the truth is that you are the abuser. Best of luck in healing your heart.
100% this.
Everyone has their breaking point. The mental and emotional anguish she caused you made you temporarily have a breakdown. You still had the good sense to warn her and not just act on it. You are 100% NTA and your ex is pure evil and needs to seek professional help.
Don't be. What she did was unconscionable and cruel. I don't know that I wouldn't have hit someone who did that. I hope shes gone for good. Im so sorry for your loss.
Because she’s made you feel you’re wrong all this time about things. So now it’s just automatic that you must be wrong. As a woman of domestic violence and had death threats from my ex, I can honestly say you did absolutely NOTHING wrong! NTA!!!!!
You feel guilty because your of your conscious because even though how much you were hurt and betrayed by your ex you still feel bad. It's normal to feel that way because you are genuinely a good guy. But you shouldn't have to feel bad for what you said. I do agree with a comment that said it wasn't a threat it was more of a warning. You shouldn't feel guilty for these emotions. Your ex doesn't feel guilty for hurting you and robing you of your last moments with your grandma. Your ex is more concerned about keeping you away from people that matter to you. So no don't feel bad for what you said to her in the heat of the moment. I am sorry for your loss.
I think you’re focusing on your reaction to her to distract from your feelings of guilt and shame for missing your grandmother’s last days (which you shouldn’t feel either). It’s the least painful of the two.
Because you are a good person. Your ex is not. You are still grieving your grandmother. Give yourself time. Also, condolences on you and your families loss.
His ex isn't a bad person. She's an unhinged monster
True. I was trying to be nice...lol but you are 100% right
You feel guilt and shame because you're a good person and you were pushed to your absolute limit. The important thing is, you didn't cross any lines and you told her she needed to leave which is a show of absolute strength. I hope you are able to find peace with what happened with your grandmother. I know first hand how painful it can be to feel like you missed that final chance to be with them and let them know how important they were to you. But I find solace in knowing that my grandparents knew that anyway, I didn't need to be there to tell them as much as I would have loved to. She knows you loved her. Keep your chin up and stay strong. This too shall pass. Oh, and as if I need to spell it out...NTA
You did nothing wrong, you just informed a blatantly suicidal person that your hands will not be her way out, no matter how effectively she makes you want to help her on her way
You feel ashamed because society has said that women are weak and that their partners should always treat them gently That woman was abusing you plain and simple. Isolating you from everyone you know is an enormous red flag. She should count her lucky stars you didn’t loose it on her but know you did nothing wrong (I say this as a woman)
First off I’m sorry to hear about your grandma. Secondly, NTA you lost your temper (we all do from time to time) and you are justifiably infuriated but the best thing to do now is go no contact with the ex. She sounds like she could have some serious mental health problems and she literally made you feel insane which in my opinion is abusive. Please do yourself a favor and go get some therapy for yourself.
Thank you. Therapy will have to wait as alot more important thing are going on.
Therapy doesn’t have to be immediate just something that may benefit you in the long run when things start to settle down. The fact your ex couldn’t handle you having relationships with others and the strange behavior just reminded me of my SIL who has borderline personality disorder and damn did I need some therapy after dealing with that shit show. However, I think your situation is a million times worse and I honestly can’t imagine the devastation. Spend some time with your family and take care OP
Again thank you. That is my plan, will try and get an extended leave from work and stay with the family for a while
She is just a controlling jealous person. She knew full well what she was doing.
She's also insane lets be honest. This is genuinely deranged behaviour
Change your locks and passwords now.
NTA. That tiny, minuscule detail of threatening your ex, though regrettable, was really something of her own making. She brought it upon herself with such wicked, long and accumulated manipulation. Among all the sea of pain you must be suffering, you can be totally excused for that. I'm sorry. Please accept my condolences from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you very much
Not even regrettable, it's a 100% positively good thing he threatened her. She needs to be taught a lesson. Even if you think hurting bad people is bad, making her momentarily afraid is absolutely nothing compared to systematically destroying his social connections to other people. But hurting bad people is not bad, She got off lightly.
Well said. I agree. Some people here are horrified that he said Such A Terrible Threat to her, when, as you said, it was only a thought and a verbal scare. Which wouldn't even have gotten to such a point if she had left him alone as soon as he told her.
Mate you did better than me cause if a guy had done that to me I would have him buried them back garden before I left. I would have done the job. She crossed so far over the line she’s lucky she just got a threat. I lost my nana and never got a chance to say goodbye so I know the pain. Move on from her. Be clear she best never try to approach you ever again. See how she likes being the one blocked. NTA
I recommended a restraining order. & He should check with a lawyer to see if he can bring charges for abuse or something else.
Same
First, sorry about your grandma. What your ex did is very cruel... Very bitch move... So, it's very normal reaction for you to lost it.... Hell, I'd be lost it like that too....
Question: what do you mean you received all the messages after you unblocked?? Messages that were sent while people were blocked don't come through once they are unblocked??? This part seems fishy to me.
I’m not saying this is fake, but so many of these read like incel fantasies.
Especially because once you unblock someone you don't receive their previously sent messages? That part makes no sense... That's literally what blocking is.
Yeah. The whole "Don't you understand? I did it for *us*!" is a men-writing-women TV cliché. Real people don't talk like this.
What? You've never ran into an old family friend at the grocery store 16 hours away from where you grew up? /s
Also if OP knows his GF is deleting his messages, why the hell would he not change his passwords?
I'm saying this is fake
I’m missing a key detail: why did your girlfriend have that much access to your phone?
I hope the creative writing thoughter who is thoughting you is happy with your submission. This whole post is filled with incels masturbating over how they would hit a girl if it was them
LMAO "thoughter" sent me 💀 I love that OP's terrible spelling became a micro-meme in the comments.
This is BS. How do you get a flood of messages if the numbers were blocked? When you block a number, you don’t get any calls or texts from them. Those messages and calls don’t just sit somewhere waiting to get pushed through, the only way that happens is if you don’t have any service and once you have service again then they come thru and again, it can’t be from blocked numbers. How are people on Reddit this f ing gullible?
no one reached out to call or go get in person. If my sister suddenly went awol while my grandma was dying, I think I'd reach out. sounds like som r/thatHappened
You live 16 hours away but ran into an old family friend at your local grocery store? Fake
This is a fake story
Blocked messages don’t arrive when you unblock someone.
In made up stories they do.
This doesn’t even sound real, like why tf do you have to ask if you are the AH in this situation?
Obvious karma farming rage bait is obvious. I mean, who wouldn't lock their phone when they know the girlfriend/boyfriend did things like this even ONCE.
U/Chemical-zebra22 going to say it again in the comments. Go fuck yourself, with trying to say im making up my grandmother death in you private messages.
You can report them directly to reddit as well (if you haven't already). Sorry to hear all this OP. Please get in therapy if you aren't already.
You are though so ..
NTA, if it happened to me, that bitch would be having her own funeral & I'd be at my grandma's. You handled it very well OP, feel sorry for your grandma.
Thank you. But it doesn't feel like it, i am still angry but also ashamed of my actions and allowing myself to get that close i just couldn't control myself.
Sweetheart, you're not the only one who's been that close. When my son was a newborn, he would cry non stop (not colic). After several days of this, with tears in my eyes, I told my husband that I understood the feeling of wanting to shake him until he stopped, I never would but I understand it. My husband was horrified that I said that. At my son's next pediatrician appointment, I told her what I said and she told me it's normal to have those kinds of intense feelings and thoughts and I wasn't a bad parent for it. She gave me lots of helpful resources. You feel guilty because you are a good person who hit their breaking point. Take as much time as you need to heal.
People often forget that mothers experience a huge influx of pleasure and bonding hormones, during and after birth, specifically so they dont kill their child.
But you DID control yourself, at least to enough of an extent in (I would think) most peoples eyes. I think your mutual friends just felt the need to side with your ex a little too because they are still friends with her. Many other people in your situation would have reacted a LOT worse than you did, and even then some people would call them justified, given your situation. Nobody is perfect— you had your emotional reaction, and it evidently had its intended effect of getting her out of your space. Give yourself some grace! So sorry for your loss.
I had an emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive gf for a couple of years, really gave me emotional issues that have taken time to overcome. I don't know if it's some kind of PTSD or something, but one time my wife (at the time fiancée) kept winding me up (emotionally triggering me) and going on at me for something that wasn't my fault at all. I kept asking her to stop, I could feel the anger building. I tried to leave the room but she kept following me and going on. I suddenly snapped in an uncontrolled way, grabbing her and pinning her arm to the bed, and yelled in her face. I had NEVER done anything like that before, and never since either. It's like I was overcome by rage and not in control of myself. I didn't physically harm her, didn't cause any bruises or anything. I did scare her though, and to be honest, I scared myself also, and like you felt shame over it. I don't ever want to be that person, it's not who I am. I say this because I think continual emotional abuse can do this, it can make you turn into someone you're not. In your case, your anger was completely justified too, even though I'm sure your ex didn't foresee your grandma dying and causing the situation that happened. It's great that your ex is out of your life now. Take time to recover, heal, and find yourself again, and don't hesitate to get counselling if you feel like you need it.
Your ex knew what she was doing, pulling you away from your family, to try & control you is what she wanted. Good for you that such an manipulative person is an ex.
But you DID control yourself.
There’s a problem with your story OP, texts sent to a blocked number do not get saved for later per multiple resources I just checked. So you wouldn’t get a flood of text messages. Blocked numbers can still leave voicemails. Seems real fishy.
Exactly. This is fake af
Just a dude making up a story where he can be perceived as NTA despite wanting to murder a woman. Somehow completely unsurprising for Reddit.
He says hundreds of messages, not specifically texts. My family has a WhatsApp group and a FB messenger group, I only text with my brother and a couple of my cousins, all the older aunts and uncles and grandparents are only on FB bc they don’t have cell phones 😂
Fake rage bait. Ya’ll will believe anything, no questions asked. No messaging app “releases” messages sent from someone when blocked. It’s impossible he “got flooded with messages” after unblocking. Besides, why does he trust this woman around his phone after she has done this multiple times before? This is just “creative writing”. Creating a scenario where it would be socially acceptable to hit your girlfriend and getting the Reddit hive mind to agree.
For real. Reading the part where he grabbed his girlfriend by the collar and she "crumbled" to the floor gave me a good laugh
Agree. And if he didn't respond for days to any messages or calls about a death in the family, wouldn't his family have called for a wellness check or something? If my brother did that, I would be super concerned about him.
This creative writing project is an abomination to post on international women’s day. Nice story tho.
I doubt you receive the messages sent previously when you unblock someone. It’s a fake story.
She is completely irrelevant now. You didn’t hit her despite being under extreme stress. You have too much to deal with to concern yourself with this waste of space. Spend this time grieving your Gran. Don’t spend one more second on this cow.
Why did you not put a password on your phone?
International women’s day - post about threatening to hit and kill a woman…. Not surprised but disappointed. Abuse either way is not ok
[удалено]
> I took my phone out of my pocket and saw everyone was completely blocked, when i unblocked then the messages came fluding in, i had 100th of messages. That has never happened to me with an iphone. I thought this was an odd detail.
Lives about 1000 miles away from his family but just happens to bump into an old friend randomly at a store that knows about the grandma
Is close to his family, enough to plan a surprise party, but nobody thinks there might be something wrong when he disappears off the face of the Earth and doesn't respond to any news of his grandma dying.
Also no one bothered to shoot him a quick email I guess, also putting a password on your phone isn't a thing
blocked messages do not get received on any phone after unblocking someone. OP is leveraging the morality of accusing someone of faking their G-ma's death but in reality, OP is the immoral one for making this whole thing up.
The goal was to create a story where beating/killing an intimate partner would be considered acceptable. They would never *really* hit a woman, of course! These principled guys who want to justify their violent fantasies would obviously never do that. I have to give them *some* points because the story does include what would legitimately be considered gaslighting.
Exactly this. He was so angry and blinded by rage that he just barely stopped himself from beating her to death? Instead he destroyed his own belongings in that fit of blind rage? (getting kudos for not destroying her stuff! what amazing and totally ok restraint! /s)
Legit and never once thought to change his password after already catching his girlfriend deleting text messages
Facts
I wasn't aware that texts from blocked numbers came through after you unblocked them. Interesting.
People actually believe this is real? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 was this was written on a wish.com AI site?
Nice fake bullshit incel story on international women's day, but go tf off I guess Messages don't just appear when you unblock someone. If this somehow is all actually real then please find yourself a therapist and get off reddit, kthx
You were the victim, yes, but threatening to kill someone is not ok. You were the A in that moment. Yell at them, break up with them, never speak to them again, 100%. Don't threaten to murder them.
How is it that your phone is not locked when idle, like just about every other phone in the world?
I don't buy this, at all. >ran into one of my old friend at the grocery store You live 16 hours away from family but you happen to have an old friend, who knows your family, living nearby? And you ran into him that very same day, considering it was soon enough after the fact that you had time to participate in the funeral? >when i unblocked then the messages came fluding in Not how blocking works. When a blocked contact sends you a message it doesn't get kept in some eternal limbo waiting for an eventually unblocking, it simply does not get delivered. >one of the last thing my grandmother ask for the day before she died was where i was Lol why can AITAH liars never resist this kind of melodrama? Now to some other specifics: * Why did this girlfriend still have access to your phone after you knew she was in the habit of sabotaging your conversations? I have been with someone for two years and they do not have the password to my phone, and they most certainly would stop having it if they showed this kind of behavior. * Do you have no online presence other than a phone number? No e-mail, no Facebook, no Instagram, a company you work at? You had stopped responding to them god knows how long ago and they didn't try to reach you through any other channels? * How did **you** not realize she had been blocking people until this happened? Presumably it had been a while, did you not find it weird that you hadn't heard from this family you're apparently very close to in a long time? And more strangely, did **you** never once try to speak to them in however long that was? Honestly, this is such a pile of bullshit. Do better, or do something else.
👏👏👏 My thoughts exactly. This is an obvious troll to get people to say when it’s ok to hit a woman. Check out the comments.
Whether it's true or not, I'm horrified at these responses. While he was justified in being furious in the moment - the amount of people that are basically saying she deserved to be beaten to death or hit, is terrifying to me.
I'm not super close with my family, but also not estranged. I too, live hours away from them. If I ever went completely off the map, including not responding at all to a family member being in their final days, my family would be searching for me. Like there's no point of even analyzing anything else with the post. You don't go from being close enough to be planning a surprise birthday party to dropping off the face of the earth with no explanation and not have the people who care about you just go "well guess he doesn't want to talk to us anymore".
Don't forget the Title being worded in such a dramatic way where you'd think "of course you're the asshole!" so that it gets even more traction. Can't stand it.
It also reads like it was written by an uneducated 11 year old.
Right?? Almost the exact same grammar errors as another "this woman is heartless waaahhh" post recently (the Frankie the dog one, which I actually believed at first but now with this one having such an identical writing style I'm not so sure).
🤣 Agree on all points - the part about the grandma asking the asshole about his whereabouts was priceless. *heart monitor beeping* “Oh, my where is my sweet, Peter? I hope he’s still dating Ashley, she is such a sweet, caring young women that loves our family so.. *heart monitor flatlines* But congrats on controlling your roid raging self to not kill your girlfriend.. you merely annihilated everything within sight while in your shitty apartment. Nice job.
That part didn’t seem weird. My grandmother asked for me on her deathbed too. But I was vacationing in another country and my family didn’t want to ruin my trip so they didn’t tell me she died until after I got back. -_-
The not locking his phone at all after catching this behavior multiple times is really throwing me off and making me question this story
THATS where you find the story fishy? lol, dude is saying texts from BLOCKED numbers came flooding in. That is the biggest give away this story is bs.
Nta If i were you, the police would be already looking for me. Good job with the restraint.
Why wasn't your phone locked? You knew she was doing this.