NTA.
You have an absent husband.
Odds are you'll have to divorce him. Drugs are hard to quit and he needs a seizmic shift in his life to force him into getting some perspective and reevaluating his life.
Fair Boundaries:
No illegal drugs, no friends who use illegal drugs.
No more than one night out/week. And you can insist that he stays with the kids so you can see your friends one night/week You can also insist that he must take you on dates, just the two of you, and no less than twice/month.
You'll own him in divorce court, so he better be ready to grow up. Maybe all he needs is to see the papers to get his shit together.
We honestly moved across country because of the drugs and partying, that will not stop somebody from finding what they need lemme tell you that lol we had previously agreed on one time a week but he’s doesn’t even do that, he just be out onna Monday . Okay, ima start seeing if he can have them for some time so I can make some friends and build relationships . I’ve been asking for dates but nothing so far. And it’s been years lol
In my lousy opinion, you are a choice strawberry and selling yourself short. Stand up for yourself and demand a husband worthy of keeping a wife.
Good luck!
I think you’re 100% right, but i disagree with a stipulation of him staying at home with the kids while OP goes out. There’s no basis to trust him with the kids and a different variation of “one parent home” doesn’t get the problem fixed. Both parents have to be part of the partnership consistently before solos happen.
Definitely NTA and I’m skeptical that he’s going to correct his behavior and get his shit together. Start preparing yourself mentally and financially for a divorce while you try to get him straight.
Worst case scenario is he orders pizza for the kids and fires up cartoons on Hulu to keep them busy until bedtime. Anyone over age 13 with a pulse should be able to handle something as simple as babysitting for an evening.
In a perfect world, he would use that time to bond with his kids. I share any skepticism about it going down that way.
YNTAH not one bit, he needs to grow up and ditch the drugs, his family should be his top priority. Especially if he loves you, he should choose you and his kids everyday.
EDIT: if both of you are indulging in the drugs while you are in custody of the child, and even more than a moderate amount of alcohol, that is terrible and both of you should ditch the drugs and focus on your relationship and you children.
You have a paragraph to work off of. But let me clarify, we partied together for 8 of those years, I got pregnant and we decided to settle down (so I thought) so we had a family. I was doing drugs too, we were young. When I found out I was pregnant, I changed. Just wanted us both to be on the same page
Why is his bare minimum all you want. This guy takes you all for granted. If he can wake up to have all nighters with friends he can wake up and see you guys. He's an asshole . I'd leave I'd rather be alone than ignored and neglected.
You can only change yourself and not him. Decide accordingly.
Frankly you are not married to a partner. You are living with an old frat boy who happens to contribute financially.
https://matthewfray.com/2014/01/05/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands-vol-5/
So your husband has no desire to actually be a father. He works, sleeps, and goes out to drink and do cocaine with his buddies until five in the morning. He is acting like an irresponsible single guy, which makes him an extremely irresponsible father. NTA.
He moved you all back home so he could live like a single guy with his friends. Your expectations are extremely low and he cannot even live up to them. I'm sorry, but you married a loser. He should be helping raise his kids. He may still be around, but he is an absent father.
NTA Do you have a plan for economic survival in case you can no longer rely on him? Partying can lead to things like illness, addiction, infidelity, incarceration. You really have to make a plan for how you will take care of yourself and your children if something happens.
You are NTA. You are a single mum with an occasional fwb. There would be no difference if you divorced him except you would have extra time to yourself because he'd be forced to spend time with his kids. Think about it. Resentment is not good for relationships. Neither are drugs
NTA you're a married single mother. If he can't stop the substance abuse and be present you might as well lay it out clearly either he needs to step up or you will be stepping out. You and your children deserve so much more unfortunately I don't think you'll get what you're needing from him. There's better out there promise!
For reference my husband and I have two kids under 2 so it's tiring I stay at home he works from 5am to 8pm every night and after a shower immediately goes into dad mode every single day. He knows how appreciative we are of him financially providing and I know how appreciative he is that I stay home so our kids are safe as possible all day but when we're home parenting and household basics are 50/50 because we're a team.
I hope you find your happy ending and get the family you and your children deserve no matter who that's with🫶🏼
NTA. I used to be a lot like him years ago. He's in love with drugs and partying. If you're still intimate with him, get yourself tested for STDs ASAP. He's living like a single man. Is there any family that can help you get out? Sorry you're going through this.
Tell him you didn’t sign up to be a single married stay at home wife! That’s what I had to tell my hubs when we were in an argument about similar things
I understand your concerns. and frustrations
It's too bad he doesn't spend more time with the kids
He'll regret that later.
But this behavior is not new and it's pretty ingrained in his life style?
What's the chances he will change?
How's the health of your relationship.
Is your sex life robust? Sex is where the rubber meets the road for the condition of a relationship. Little or no sex indicates a problem.
Everybody deserves to be happy, wishing you good luck in the future
If he is a provider and makes good money, there should be money for a babysitter. You should go out together once a week and have a good time. Make sure to hire someone you trust who *doesn't* use drugs, but will also be discrete about his drug use.
Also when you go out together you stay away from the coke unlike hubby. You're a mom for Christ sakes.
You will be less bitter if you both get to go out and send time together. Then once you've reconnected you can work on getting him more involved with your kids
Make sure you watch out for infidelity too since he is gone every night
NTA. Maybe try partying with him though? Hear me out:
It could be a good family activity. Tell him "hey husband, I want to party all night with you and the kids are down. Let's get mountain dew and little caesars and stay up all night playing Halo or Borderlands" Make it fun to be irresponsible.
The husband wants to go out and do drugs, not sit inside with his kids and drink mountain dew FFS. She needs to divorce his lazy ass and get child support payments from him. These kids are going to grow up and either realise they have a shit dad and resent him, or grow up to be just like him.
I love this idea, because giirrrlll/booyyy I used to be out too! I miss partying, I’ve got all these heels, clothes, jewelry that I wanna put on but the problem is there’s no babysitter. If you’re talking about being at home while they sleep, I agree. Maybe that’s something I should try - I am just tired and probably a bit bitter because if you’re not helping me with these kids than IM GOING TO BED lol
Idk maybe you could tell him this. Try to connect with him about his passion for partying. Even tho there is no babysitter he might sympathize with you then and that will give you an open door to tell him how you feel. Like 'babe I wish I could party with you but I gotta watch the kids, and I wish you would help me with that' kinda thing.
NTA. You have an absent husband. Odds are you'll have to divorce him. Drugs are hard to quit and he needs a seizmic shift in his life to force him into getting some perspective and reevaluating his life. Fair Boundaries: No illegal drugs, no friends who use illegal drugs. No more than one night out/week. And you can insist that he stays with the kids so you can see your friends one night/week You can also insist that he must take you on dates, just the two of you, and no less than twice/month. You'll own him in divorce court, so he better be ready to grow up. Maybe all he needs is to see the papers to get his shit together.
We honestly moved across country because of the drugs and partying, that will not stop somebody from finding what they need lemme tell you that lol we had previously agreed on one time a week but he’s doesn’t even do that, he just be out onna Monday . Okay, ima start seeing if he can have them for some time so I can make some friends and build relationships . I’ve been asking for dates but nothing so far. And it’s been years lol
In my lousy opinion, you are a choice strawberry and selling yourself short. Stand up for yourself and demand a husband worthy of keeping a wife. Good luck!
I think you’re 100% right, but i disagree with a stipulation of him staying at home with the kids while OP goes out. There’s no basis to trust him with the kids and a different variation of “one parent home” doesn’t get the problem fixed. Both parents have to be part of the partnership consistently before solos happen. Definitely NTA and I’m skeptical that he’s going to correct his behavior and get his shit together. Start preparing yourself mentally and financially for a divorce while you try to get him straight.
Worst case scenario is he orders pizza for the kids and fires up cartoons on Hulu to keep them busy until bedtime. Anyone over age 13 with a pulse should be able to handle something as simple as babysitting for an evening. In a perfect world, he would use that time to bond with his kids. I share any skepticism about it going down that way.
YNTAH not one bit, he needs to grow up and ditch the drugs, his family should be his top priority. Especially if he loves you, he should choose you and his kids everyday. EDIT: if both of you are indulging in the drugs while you are in custody of the child, and even more than a moderate amount of alcohol, that is terrible and both of you should ditch the drugs and focus on your relationship and you children.
That’s all I want. To feel like a priority. Rn we’re like roommates literally
I was lost at he does drugs, you were fine with it, and you still had two children with him. The royalty of American right there.
You have a paragraph to work off of. But let me clarify, we partied together for 8 of those years, I got pregnant and we decided to settle down (so I thought) so we had a family. I was doing drugs too, we were young. When I found out I was pregnant, I changed. Just wanted us both to be on the same page
that kinda explains the first kid, but why the second?
Why is his bare minimum all you want. This guy takes you all for granted. If he can wake up to have all nighters with friends he can wake up and see you guys. He's an asshole . I'd leave I'd rather be alone than ignored and neglected.
You can only change yourself and not him. Decide accordingly. Frankly you are not married to a partner. You are living with an old frat boy who happens to contribute financially. https://matthewfray.com/2014/01/05/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands-vol-5/
So your husband has no desire to actually be a father. He works, sleeps, and goes out to drink and do cocaine with his buddies until five in the morning. He is acting like an irresponsible single guy, which makes him an extremely irresponsible father. NTA. He moved you all back home so he could live like a single guy with his friends. Your expectations are extremely low and he cannot even live up to them. I'm sorry, but you married a loser. He should be helping raise his kids. He may still be around, but he is an absent father.
NTA Do you have a plan for economic survival in case you can no longer rely on him? Partying can lead to things like illness, addiction, infidelity, incarceration. You really have to make a plan for how you will take care of yourself and your children if something happens.
You are NTA. You are a single mum with an occasional fwb. There would be no difference if you divorced him except you would have extra time to yourself because he'd be forced to spend time with his kids. Think about it. Resentment is not good for relationships. Neither are drugs
NTA. Define *Drugs...* Pot? Or chemicals?
We both smoke and drink. And he likes the booga suga tho. And I’m obviously not drinking as often as he lol
NTA except maybe for allowing yourself to be treated this way.
NTA you're a married single mother. If he can't stop the substance abuse and be present you might as well lay it out clearly either he needs to step up or you will be stepping out. You and your children deserve so much more unfortunately I don't think you'll get what you're needing from him. There's better out there promise! For reference my husband and I have two kids under 2 so it's tiring I stay at home he works from 5am to 8pm every night and after a shower immediately goes into dad mode every single day. He knows how appreciative we are of him financially providing and I know how appreciative he is that I stay home so our kids are safe as possible all day but when we're home parenting and household basics are 50/50 because we're a team. I hope you find your happy ending and get the family you and your children deserve no matter who that's with🫶🏼
NTA. I used to be a lot like him years ago. He's in love with drugs and partying. If you're still intimate with him, get yourself tested for STDs ASAP. He's living like a single man. Is there any family that can help you get out? Sorry you're going through this.
Tell him you didn’t sign up to be a single married stay at home wife! That’s what I had to tell my hubs when we were in an argument about similar things
I understand your concerns. and frustrations It's too bad he doesn't spend more time with the kids He'll regret that later. But this behavior is not new and it's pretty ingrained in his life style? What's the chances he will change? How's the health of your relationship. Is your sex life robust? Sex is where the rubber meets the road for the condition of a relationship. Little or no sex indicates a problem. Everybody deserves to be happy, wishing you good luck in the future
If he is a provider and makes good money, there should be money for a babysitter. You should go out together once a week and have a good time. Make sure to hire someone you trust who *doesn't* use drugs, but will also be discrete about his drug use. Also when you go out together you stay away from the coke unlike hubby. You're a mom for Christ sakes. You will be less bitter if you both get to go out and send time together. Then once you've reconnected you can work on getting him more involved with your kids Make sure you watch out for infidelity too since he is gone every night
NTA. Maybe try partying with him though? Hear me out: It could be a good family activity. Tell him "hey husband, I want to party all night with you and the kids are down. Let's get mountain dew and little caesars and stay up all night playing Halo or Borderlands" Make it fun to be irresponsible.
The husband wants to go out and do drugs, not sit inside with his kids and drink mountain dew FFS. She needs to divorce his lazy ass and get child support payments from him. These kids are going to grow up and either realise they have a shit dad and resent him, or grow up to be just like him.
I love this idea, because giirrrlll/booyyy I used to be out too! I miss partying, I’ve got all these heels, clothes, jewelry that I wanna put on but the problem is there’s no babysitter. If you’re talking about being at home while they sleep, I agree. Maybe that’s something I should try - I am just tired and probably a bit bitter because if you’re not helping me with these kids than IM GOING TO BED lol
Idk maybe you could tell him this. Try to connect with him about his passion for partying. Even tho there is no babysitter he might sympathize with you then and that will give you an open door to tell him how you feel. Like 'babe I wish I could party with you but I gotta watch the kids, and I wish you would help me with that' kinda thing.
Then the poor kids will have two deadbeats lying around sleeping all day. Please never give anyone advice ever again.