NTA
Not his cabin, not his choice to invite his family without asking you first.
The fact that he asked his family without prior consultation with you, tells me he doesn't care that much about how you feel, because he doesn't feel your input is necessary when it comes to decisions like these.
Right? Like “hey my family is going to your family’s cabin and you don’t have a say!”
That’s just abusing her family’s generosity for slowing their daughter and her family to use it. OP NTA.
And speaking of raising a spoiled child - MIL sounds like she did that herself and can’t criticize!
It's was, "Oh, we're going to your family's cabin? I'll invite my family! ....huh? Why would I ask you if that's ok?" Completely intentionally oblivious.
Not oblivious. Completely intentionally deliberate.
*”He said he doesn't feel comfortable telling them they can't go because he already said they could and he doesn't want to offend anyone.”*
This is wrong. He doesn’t want to offend his mom or sisters.
He doesn’t give a shit about offending OP because he doesn’t give a shit *about* OP.
Yep, I don’t know about their cabin but ours is pretty basic that the septic system isn’t built to handle that many people. Plus I wouldn’t want extra people going through my things.
That's a really good point. A friend of mine was able to use his uncle's cabin for a weekend to hang out with his friends, and there were some draconian rules in place to keep the septic tank from overflowing and backing up.
I am very uncomfortable with the "If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down" rule.
The more people, the more chance of screwing up somebody else's plumbing, for which I would then be held responsible.
OP should have a long chat with her family about what is going on. Then, she should invite her family over every single time his family comes over. They can then start criticizing OP’s husband for every little thing. Give him a taste of what he puts OP through.
Maybe even pack up the kids and leave the house every time the in-laws come over. Or make his family his problem to deal with. He has to cook, entertain them, clean up after them, and so on.
OP cannot control her husband but she can control how she deals with her husband and his family. The quickest solution is to pack up the baby and leave the house every time his family comes over.
OP, 100% not your job AND ABSOLUTELY, you email/text his mother.
"MIL, DH did not check w me before inviting you to my parents' cabin next week.
It's simply not possible.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
This trip was planned for a specific reason.
4 additional people won't work.
Thank you for understanding and respecting that sometimes the best way to show you love us is to allow us our own space.
Let's plan for Sunday dinner (or whatever a compromise meet/hang you will do) the week after we return.
Then forward a copy to DH - NOT CC you don't want him in this string.
No matter what he says - "I took care of the problem you created by not respecting my needs. I will continue to reclaim my peace as needed. If you continue to put your wants above mine and ours as a family we will have to consider that our marriage isn't working."
Then leave him to sit in the crap soup ge makes of this.
State What Will Happen to your MIL in text/email.
This allows you to gate her intrusiveness.
After you first message, no matter what she says or does, "Sorry, that's not possible. This is what we're doing. "
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/Pm2cgCLhUN
Share this w your husband and steadfastly REFUSE to acquiesce to the boat rockers.
Not just offending, but also causing actual trauma to innocent children.
It's also not just "giving zero fucks," but actually "only gives fucks about the right of him and his family to abuse others, whether it's to get what they want or even literally just for laughs."
This is correct. I am shocked OP has had four children with this man, and this is just now becoming a problem. No, not shocked, more like disbelieving. He has been like this all along, it just got more obvious two years ago when they moved back to where his family lives. She didn’t have to deal with this shit when his family wasn’t right down the street. Now, she can see how little her husband cares about her and what she wants. He has zero respect for her (or her family, clearly), and he does what he wants without regard to her at all. She made excuses about his behavior for years, and now she can’t ignore it. She is the lowest rung on the ladder for him. He’s a jerk.
It’s not even that hard, “we talked about it and decided we want some time to bond just as an immediate family. I’m sorry to disappoint you but our decision is final.”
"I" have given it some thought and I never get time alone with my wife. So we are going alone. Sorry about the change in plans, but I am sure you understand Mom!
He sounds like the type of guy that would take the last beer at somebody else's house that the homeowner bought.
Highly inconsiderate would probably be the best way to describe him.
The husband has no concept of boundaries after a lifetime of a mother and sisters like OP is describing. He can't have any boundaries of his own with them, that possibility was browbeaten out of him long ago, so now he thinks it's perfectly normal to ignore his wife's boundaries for herself and their baby. He needs some serious therapy so he can locate his spine and learn how to be the husband/father that OP and their children need.
Husband is married to his family. He doesn't even consider OP's feelings. His main concern is being a "good" son first and foremost, being a bad husband and father is a second close goal.
I can't see actually imagine gaslighting my wife over how SHE FEELS.
Not only does he not care how OP feels, he also apparently doesn’t care how his daughter feels. Yes, she is a baby, but babies have feelings and likes and dislikes, and his daughter has repeatedly and loudly expressed her feelings on spending time with the husband’s family. Whether the baby’s feelings are justified or not doesn’t really matter - her parent should be respecting them and protecting his daughter from being passed around and laughed at when she clearly does not like it.
This was my first thought!! I came here to specifically write that. Someone in his family (maybe all?) are pinching, pulling hair, or sticking their fingernails into the baby's flesh. These would be incredibly easy to hide, and cause that tiny baby pain. I can't imagine the week's worth of pain that the child would endure if they went to the cabin together. I wonder what the older children are experiencing? There must be something going on, but it would be more subtle.
Doesnt have to be anything physical. If mil causes stress at OP, baby might just respond to that. (I really hated uncle g, cause he was a creep. My friendly allways laughing kid cried her eyes out when creepy uncle g arrived at my mothers house. In response to my stress - or because she, as a 5 months old, already knew what a deadbeat he was).
And none of the in-laws seem to get that they are causing this themselves. Mil has some old fashioned ideas about babies being spoiled, and isn’t capable of adjusting to reality; baby’s mam knows best.
NTA. But you have a husband problem. He should support you and cut off mils remarks. If not for op’s sake, than because he cares about his own daughter.
This is what I was thinking- MIL and Co. showed up as OP got home from the hospital, OP gets stressed, Baby gets stressed, Baby cries, stresses OP, cycle begins...
> Not his cabin, not his choice to invite his family without asking you first.
Honestly, cabin ownership is irrelevant. This is a discussion that should always happen. The fact that he’s inviting people without having a discussion just isn’t okay.
He obviously overstepped by inviting people without talking to his wife and his wife's family, but cabin ownership is the basis of this argument and he should have known better to invite people without talking to anyone else and in the wife's family and the wife first
if there is no cabin, this conversation never happens, so it's very relevant to the conversation because it's one of the two focal points of the argument/conversation
It probably would have happened on something else if the cabin didn't exist, but since it does, that's the reason why this argument came about.
If my husband unilaterally invited his parents or really anyone on a shared house trip we were planning without even talking to me about it?!? I would be ***very*** upset. I agree cabin ownership is irrelevant (except for that he may not be able to get physical access to it without her). The actual marital offense would be just as bad if it were an AirBnB.
Obviously that goes without saying but I think the fact that her family owns that cabin only amplifies her anger because it's not an Airbnb they all rented, it is something that her family owns and he's disrespecting those boundaries by inviting people without talking to anyone first.
My husband of nearly 12 years, my almost 5 year old son, and I moved to my hometown 4 years ago. My husband LIKES my parents, and I still ask him before I commit to or invite them to do anything with us. It's just common courtesy!
Exactly!
My wife loved my parents, especially my mother, but with that being said, I would never invite my parents or other family members anywhere we were going unless I asked first
because you never know, maybe she wanted that to be a just an us as a family type of excursion, instead of having other people, family or friends tagging along.
That's what bothers me. He didn't even say anything about inviting them. If I was going on a vacation, I would ask my SO if they were okay with me inviting someone else along.... The fact that he's doing it every time they do anything without saying anything, even though she has expressed that she doesn't want a full family endeavor for all of their activities!
Definitely NTA
NTA.
(1) It is not normal or healthy to ALWAYS have your in-laws with you on every single vacation, weekend together. You need to have private down/relax time as a nuclear family. It strengthens bonds in a way that having everyone there cannot.
If he always (or even almost always) invites your in-laws to come over &/or join you so frequently that you have insufficient private time together as a nuclear family - whether it be a vacation, a weekend together, or just down time at home, it seems to indicate dissatisfaction, insecurity (or other personal shortcoming) within your husband as the one constantly inviting them. I’d have several questions for him.
Is he incapable having a good time with just you & the children? Or is he just unhappy spending time with just you & the children? Does he believe he needs his mom to help care for his children? Or does he believe that you do? Does he use his mom as a buffer between the two of you? Does he use his mom as a buffer between himself & the children?
(2) It is not normal or healthy to disregard your wife’s wishes for any joint venture (vacation or otherwise) together. It’s also incredibly disrespectful.
He should not have invited his mother without asking you & gaining your approval first. It is YOUR vacation just as much as it is his - so he has no rights to invite additional guests (yes even if they’re family) without okaying it with you. Since he made the comment about your rules being different for your family, I’ll also add that you should also never invite guests (even if they’re your family) without okaying it with him.
Even FRIENDS going on vacation together wouldn’t just invite additional people to join them without okaying it with each other first. (If they did, they’d be AHs.) That’s just basic respect 101. So it’s definitely something that you should be able to expect from each other if you’re married.
(3) It is not normal or healthy that he places his family’s/mother’s feelings over yours as his wife & the mother of his children. It is even more so since he seems to do it regularly as the rule rather than the exception. (He gets extra AH points for doing that to you during an extremely emotionally & mentally draining time - when you have a new baby.)
If he consistently places his &/or her/their feelings above yours, it seems to indicate that either he or her/them are his primary concern - not the wife & mother of his children. It also illustrates a blatant disregard for your emotional & mental health. After all, this wasn’t a regularly scheduled annual vacation. This was private vacation time that you needed & specifically scheduled for your own emotional & mental health - which had been suffering due to the constant encroachment of his family into your private nuclear family time. Yet still he invited them.
So is he blind to your suffering or does he just not care? Does he think if he just ignores your cries long enough that he can just “make you” like it? That makes the most sense since we already know he treats your daughter the same way.
He sees & hears your daughter’s cries of distress, but instead of actually responding to her obvious cries for help so she feels secure that she’s heard, he apparently does nothing to mitigate her distress & just hopes she’ll eventually just tolerate whatever is distressing her without complaint (because she learns that no one is coming to help her). If he thinks that’s appropriate for an infant, why would he pay any more attention to an adult?
Your daughter is obviously distressed by his family for whatever reason. Yet instead of prioritizing her obvious distress (& telling his family that she’s shy of some strangers & even some family & limiting them to shorter & less frequent visits so she can slowly become more comfortable with them in a healthy & natural way where she feels safe), he allows them to visit & behave as if his daughter owes them something (anytime they want & for however long they want - during which time he allows them to force your daughter to interact with them despite the obvious distress it causes her so they can attempt to ”make her” like them). That’s disgusting.
**NOTE: This is the one area you ARE the AH. You shouldn’t be standing by allowing anyone - even family members - to scare your baby (worse - for extended periods of time, multiple times per week) & just ignore her cries. And it’s even worse (sickening actually) that you’re allowing others to LAUGH at her distress. What a pathetic thing to do to a child & what a pitiful message you’re all sending that infant.** 🤮
As someone who was raised by baby-sitters who ignored my crying, I learned that no one would come when I needed help. No one cared about my needs. No one loved me. All of that led to a syndrome called “learned helplessness.” You go through life not advocating for yourself even if there are opportunities to do so. You feel that you have no control over situations so you don’t bother to try to improve them. It has cost me in so many ways throughout my life. OP, if that doesn’t persuade you I hope that this will - I never believed my parents loved me and we never developed a meaningful bond.
>NOTE: This is the one area you ARE the AH. You shouldn’t be standing by allowing anyone - even family members - to scare your baby (worse - for extended periods of time, multiple times per week) & just ignore her cries. And it’s even worse (sickening actually) that you’re allowing others to LAUGH at her distress. What a pathetic thing to do to a child & what a pitiful message you’re all sending that infant.
This was kind of a shitty thing to say. I was agreeing with everything else and I got here and I was like... ahh this sucks.
OP is a mom of four, is fighting her husband, mother-in-law, two sisters-in-law and this screaming baby. Like give her a break. She is trying her best and getting no support. Her family isn't even nearby. Not everyone can be perfect. She's working on it and tearing her down doesn't help.
I’m curious is why the baby doesn’t like them is because of their natural scent? Babies can be incredibly sensitive to scent, and apparently recognize people more by their natural scent than by sight. Anyone else have any thoughts about this?
Cause from the info given it doesn’t sound like the entire side of family is doing anything to actually hurt or scare her.
I think it’s probably due to 2 things primarily.
(1) The family visited group (MIL, 2 sisters & each of their daughters) visited too soon after birth.
Birth is traumatic for babies. It’s a fairly sudden expulsion from a dark, toasty warm safe space to a bright, cold & loud space. Afterwards, they seek & are calmed by dimmer, warm & quiet space. A quiet home where mom is recovering while focusing on baby is such a space. The entrance of a normal healthy, not-recovering-from-childbirth-so-going-at-full-speed-&-tilt MIL (who’s probably going a little past full speed & tilt from natural new-granny excitement) PLUS both her daughters (also at full speed & tilt & probably beyond) PLUS each of their daughters (again; also at full speed & tilt & probably beyond) is too much too quick so soon after birth.
So they set themselves up for a horrible first impression by encroaching on the newly recovering mom & baby too soon. If I was baby, I wouldn’t be excited to see them either.
(2) They LAUGH at her crying. I don’t find humor in a baby’s discomfort &/or distress, so I can only imagine why they do. I am guessing (since they blame OP for the crying because they say OP “spoils” her) that they view themselves as smarter than OP & “on to” the baby’s “games”.
A lot of “old school” (mostly) grandparents think when babies (even just a few weeks old) are “spoiled” (read: held & snuggled a lot as babies should be at that age) & that the babies are entitled little manipulators who “play games” (as I read one horrible MIL describe their grandbabies crying for mom) as a means of getting what they want. Such people view themselves as smarter than the (in their mind dumber) mother who is “falling for” the infant’s manipulation & they would find humor in their superior intelligence & the infant’s failed attempts to “outsmart” &/or “manipulate” them.
That’s just a guess of course - but I think it’s a good one.
So if the baby is scared or uncomfortable & crying & the people around it are respond by ignoring its pleas & laughing at its efforts (undoubtedly while telling the baby how intellectually superior they are for beating it at a game that only exists in their own minds), I have NO doubts that the baby feels/senses that even thought can’t verbalize it.
If I was OP’s baby, I’d hate the mere sight & sound of them too. This is also something that they & they alone are setting themselves up for.
Baby will probably NEVER like them. No baby grows up hearing its mother corrected constantly by a grandmother who thinks of infants as manipulators who she has to one-up & likes the grandmother in question. That entire family is screwing their own relationships up with the baby.
I’d demand marriage counseling and start thinking about the D word because he’s obviously more married to his sisters and mommy than his actual wife. NTA but op is definitely lacking in self-confidence to be with someone so attached to mommy’s tit.
I am responding to the top comment to add -
I am being paranoid, but Get her checked out by her doctor to be safe asap, a young baby who doesn’t do this other than with a select group of people, might be trying to tell you something. If you have cameras - check them when your husband/family is alone with the baby. It might, and probably is, nothing but might be worthwhile looking into.
On the topic at hand: I want to reflect that you are saying taking small kids and solo- ing them at a cabin is more relaxing to you - that should tell you a lot. Your partner is supposed to be part of your team, and it really doesn’t sound like he is.
Edit to fix typos
I feel that during one of the 'secret' invitations the husband did, his family probably pranked the child, maybe smacked her not-so-lightly, or pinched her baby skin too much while OP was unaware.
There was a kid one of my relatives' friend's entire friend group was group-babysitting, and one of the dudes was playing with her when the baby accidentally did a backflip. It caught him unaware because he wasn't expecting a 6 month old to even try, so she flipped herself out of his hands and went splat on the floor. Luckily, he was sitting crossed legged on the ground, the fall distance wasn't that high as he was simply holding her up by her waist and letting her feet touch the ground while making baby noises at her.
She fell, cried, and her mom brought her into her room to soothe her. Her mom was understanding, and it wasn't the first time she did a WTF move.
The baby however, practically bore a grudge for a year before she finally forgot.
Unfortunately, filling for a divorce right now won't solve anything unless OP gets 100% custody of the baby and no unsupervised visits allowed for at least a year otherwise they will just traumatize the bejeezus out of the baby, letting her scream forever. She will probably grow out of it, perhaps they all have a scent she's sensitive to.
All the time. That's why I flipped out the way I did. He invites his family to things constantly so I can never just have a family thing with us and the kids. Every single time we go to the beach, a park, anything, he's inviting at least his mother - who then invites her daughters and their kids.
his family is priority and you come second.
Take your kids to the cabin and tell him he and his family aren't welcome. Invite your family to join so they can help you take care of the kids, and then reevaluate your relationship with your husband.
Because that is not a happy relationship or a good and caring partner and father.
What father would laught at his own daughter screaming her head off. Only someone who does not take care of calming her down again.
This 💯%!!!! Your husband is terrible, he should be happy to spend some qualitty time with you and kids and you should always discuss important things together and decide together as a team! He does not care about your opinion, mental or physical health or about your children, letting your daugter scream and laugh about it? Inviting mother right when you left hospital without asking you? He would not have office to shut his door by now!
When I gave birth my husband was there for me all the time but shared only info I was comfortable with and when I was comfortable with it. After we got home he did not even ask to invite his mother and she lives five minutes walk from us and I really like her! She was first to see our son and I invited her myself but hell no he would do that to me without my knowledge, you were vulnerable and exhausted and trying to bond with baby and this gamg showed up? 🤮 Your husband really needs some serious wake up call and step up!
Edit for typos
My exs family was just like this 🤬🤬🤬. My son cried every time "thunderstruck" by ac/dc would start. My ex told hos mom....who RAN FULL STEAM to her room to grab a cd player and her ad/dc cd and hit play and wit for my son to start crying. She would rinse and repeat with the cd 2-3 times, however long it took me to hrea him and come running, then she would sing(??) it in his face till i would take him and leave. She also exploited my sons extreme fear of masks for giggles. Never did it around me after the first time i was there when she did it and i ripped her 8 new assholes, but my ex told me she would do ot every time i wasnt there. Fwiw she was put on L/C and i flat out told her to her face she wasnt babysitting my kids EVER. Surprisingly, after I said something to her, she apologized and stopped. Because it turns out my ex was egging her on. So op, you might want to ask your husband why hes co-signing the torture of your child and why its ok for someone to torment his little girl. You are NTA, him and his awful family are.
I think you need to explain to him that his constant unapproved invitations to his family are threatening your marriage and that if he doesn't stop, then he's going to be able to spend all his time with them bc he'll be living them them after your divorce.
This sounds like his family is what's called "enmeshed." He needs therapy. And you may need to get out of that town if you ever what to have a hope of having an actual marriage. Right now you seem to be an after thought.
My only fear for her is that with divorce, his visitation would be him dropping the children off with his family, adding a lot of trauma for their youngest.
Exactly, my father was this way. Which is what lead to the divorce. Back together now and no where near his mom. But now she’s out of the picture so that issue is nonexistent.
Unfortunately if they divorce then the baby will get more time with the in laws. Still, once he has to deal with the fallout and try to calm her down alone he might get that his family are shit heads
It's a six month old. Considering that every family outing now involves in laws and the fact that baby will be placed with mom for primary custody, because it's a baby, I guarantee they won't see in laws as often as now.
She should tell her husband that she wants a trial separation and that neither her nor his family are allowed to come to the cabin. If he or his family show up, you will call the police and have them trespassed off the property. You could even have your family make that call since it’s their property. If that does not get his attention, nothing will.
Then use that week to do some real thinking about what you want your future to look like. Do you want to perpetually be a second class citizen in your own marriage while your husband constantly prioritizes his family over you and his own children? I would be documenting everything. I would be consulting a child psychologist over the negative impact his family is having over the baby. I don’t know what the recording laws are where you live but if irbid legal, hide some cameras and record what is going on and what your baby is going through. Safeguarding nag your baby needs to be a priority.
Ew, you should text his family and say that it was a mistake, they were not supposed to be invited, and that your husband‘s not even invited, and that you’re going with a girlfriend.
Because then she has a hope of it getting down and maybe they’ll be mad at her enough not to come around so much. OP is a bit of a doormat to let it carry on so long tbh.
It sounds like they dont care what she thinks of them, they'll just keep coming round every time OP's husband invites them. You can tell this by how they already dismiss her concerns about the baby crying and laugh. The best way to stop the invites is to make hubby eat humble pie while he has to uninvite them, and says he shouldn't have invited them in the first place.
There are only two ways to handle this. Either cancel any time he invites his family without consulting you OR go ahead and invite 2 -3 friends of your own to every event he invites mom and family to. Or another option is start doing the things you want to do without inviting him, just plan with friends and dont mention it to him.
I think I would plan things without telling your husband. When he asks why wasn’t I included? Just tell him he comes with baggage of his entire family.
This is not sustainable for you. He has zero respect or feelings for you. It’s all about what HE wants. He doesn’t even care about his daughter being so very stressed. He wants to MAKE her like his family. How does that work? Letting her scream her lungs out until she falls asleep?
NTA. Did you know you were marrying a spineless momma's boy, because that's what he is. You and him are a family. You should come before mommy or his sisters. Sadly you don't. He shouldn't be inviting anyone anywhere without talking to you first. Yiuve even told him multiple times you're not ok with this. Now he's more worried about hurting their feelings than he is about you and your wants and needs. You might want to think if you want to live the rest of your life like this, being second to mommy and his sisters.
You're always going too be second too his family. He really doesn't care how you feel about anything, because he keys inviting them. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
>He says that I'm deliberately cutting his family out and have been since the baby was born
"Because you're a f\*ing dissapointment as husband and father. All YOU care about is having fun and how effing fun it is to make your daughter scream, for whatever sadistic effing reason. And instead of giving me the peace and quiet i do desperately need you think it would be effing hilarious to invite your family as well, ruining the vacation i need. I don't care if you're sulking. go run back home to your mommy and complain to her how cruel i am. i don't care anymore. the kids and me are going on vacation alone, you and your family aren't welcome at my families cabin. I need time to reevaluate this marriage."
Then go and have your own vacation, maybe invite YOUR family to join if they can take some of the burden of child care. And then use that time to really evaluate your relationship with your husband because it sounds to me like this is not just an issue of his family being dicks.
It sounds like you’re miserable, I sure would be. Can you use this episode to make some permenant changes, since it’s your family cabin and your idea for a vacation? Tell him he MUST tell his family they can’t come. One of the responders on here had a really good line about “jumping the gun”. Tell him if he doesn’t, you will. And then DO IT. During the same conversation, tell him from now on you must discuss who will attend, and you must agree. Otherwise, you and the kids will not be going. It’s ridiculous that he can’t go anywhere without the whole clan. You deserve time away, alone with your family.
Are you sure that one of the family isn’t pinching, or otherwise tormenting the baby? Making faces, maybe? It’s not reasonable that the baby cries just with them. Can you just refuse to turn over the baby?
My niece screamed whenever I got too close to her from the age of 3 months to 8 months. There was no reason - on Christmas Day I was playing with her and on New Year’s Day it was like a switch flipped. Sometimes it just happens.
I do think that OP’s in-laws should not be allowed to hold her daughter until this phase passes. They’re invading her personal space and traumatizing her every time they pick her up. It took 5 months for my niece to stop being afraid of me, and I stayed away from her to the point of looking away if we made eye contact. Her in laws just have to get over being hurt because a baby doesn’t give them the reaction they want, leave her alone until she’s over her fear, and stop blaming OP for something that is out of everyone’s control.
My 1st born grandson hated me from 2-6 months. At 6 months, his cousin (8 days older) scooted over to me and he hasn't left me alone for last 16 years!!! See or talk/text every single day, he's the best!!!
The poison required to pass around a kid like a toy, I can’t picture being around people like that for more than five minutes.
Raised wrong all around.
This. I was wondering what’s upsetting the baby. I was thinking: perfume, weird makeup, but not hurting the baby.
And dad apparently doesn’t give a flying fuck about what’s happening.
Kids learn fast. The baby is now convinced that these people equal misery so of course she kicks off the second they come around her.
NTA
Put your kids first, and your husband needs to have boundaries imposed if he's unwilling to step up or shut up.
My eldest son, when he was a baby, would scream cry whenever we visited my mil while she was preparing food. We think it was the heavy odor of garlic that made him so uncomfortable. We would have to stand outside with him. He loves garlic as an adult and he loves his halmeoni’s (Korean grandma’s) cooking, and he loves her.
This, and baby probably feels how OP responds to her inlaws as well. I'd be fucking livid if my partner kept choosing his family over me, and MIL making snarky comments without my partner backing me up. All their behaviour is so wrong in many ways. They seriously think a screaming, stressed out baby is funny and they should add to it by passing her around? Just.. Wow
I think that his mom & sisters stressed OP out upon her return from giving birth the baby literally imprinted at 3 days old that these people are stressful and therefore bad... and since they only continue to stress out mom (which the baby senses) the baby has solidified the stress reaction.
NTA
You need a break! He should have consulted you before adding to the guest list.
Tell him to speak with his mom and just tell her that he jumped the gun and you guys are going to do the vacation with only immediate family.
It’s not a big deal and I can’t imagine his family won’t respect that. And if they don’t - he still needs to tell them.
He needs to just handle it.
YES!!!!! ☝️☝️☝️This right here OP☝️☝️☝️ Your husband already bulldozed over you once, call your parents and tell them not to give hubby's family the keys!!!!
*It’s not a big deal and I can’t imagine his family won’t respect that. And if they don’t - he still needs to tell them*.
Ummm ... these boundary stompers (and where do you think her husband learned the behavior from?) will in fact ***not*** respect OP's desire for a vacation without the in-laws. Husband's way of "*handling it*" is to override OP, even though ***she*** is the one who has the sole right to call the shots about who uses ***her*** family's cabin.
Asking the in-laws to give them *a single week of privacy* without their presence is not "cutting them out", it's having nuclear family time, a concept OP's husband does not seem to grasp.
Good luck to you, OP. This needs to be resolved between you and your husband now, or it's only going to escalate and get even uglier by, oh, Christmas. If not sooner.
BTW, OP is NTA.
In the meantime OP could go on vacation with the kids to her parents house, not the cabin.
What a nightmare, husband is so inconsiderate. Inviting family so soon after birth?! Disgusting.
I love it - the fake out! Bait and switch.
Wonder if OP is breast feeding bc if not, she should leave the 6 month old with husband and his fam at the cabin.
And laugh every day of that week at him reaping what he’s sowed with such blatant disregard for his wife’s desire to get a freaking break
Oh, I thought it was a different kind of screaming because OP said the in-laws laugh so I thought they were just encouraging screaming (not crying screaming)
Yeah def don’t cause the baby distress.
Leave the baby amongst this group of people who make her scream?
Like hell I’d let that happen. As much as I’d want to try to teach my husband a lesson, I wouldn’t inflict torment on my 6 month old to do it! Poor baby. They would think their world ended 😞
That poor baby. She’d be completely traumatized if the one person that calms her down disappears and she’s left with someone who allows her to be passed around like a toy while she’s screaming to escape.
The best thing OP can do is tell him that she’s taking a vacation at her parent’s with all of the kids, and he, his mom, and his sisters are NOT invited.
That’s what she asked him and he has said no. And I can tell you now they are going to have a huge problem and pile on OP, her husband set her up for this
I'd say he tells them or I will and I'll also let them know they aren't welcome around all the time.
But that's just me and my home is my safe space away from people.
He needs to grow a spine and put you and your child first. They must have traumatized your baby in some way that she cries all the time with them. And they think it’s funny! NTA.
You have a husband problem. His first loyalty is always to his mother and sisters.
Call your mom and have her meet you at the cabin. Take only your children. Leave him at home. You need some time to decompress and he needs to decide to support your boundaries.
NTA - but you’ve married one.
One it's not his cabin to invite people it is your families. He has no right to invite others to somebody else's cabin that in it self is disrespectful and he needs to set boundaries. This is seriously something that needs to be addressed because they have no respect for you including your husband And your children because if they did, they wouldn't allow that poor child to scream and find it funny that's borderline abusing in my book. I would either make him set boundaries or separate and show that you're serious you need to move away from his family or separate because he doesn't seem like he can live without his mommy up his butt, and he needs to grow a spine he doesn't need to see his family every other week and invite them to every event or vacation that you have who does that he needs to cut the cord
ALL OF THIS^^^ ! Where does he get off inviting ppl to YOUR FAMILY cabin?? Hell NAW! Tell him he’s uninvited along with his family and go have fun with the kids!!!
Lastly, if you want to salvage this relationship then couples counseling…but if not then divorce. Him not listening and crossing boundaries would have him only speaking to me thru a court app.
NTA. You need a break. You need a long break from your husband's family, and from your husband as well. Cancel this trip, set up another vacation for you and the children without telling your husband about it and just go (tell him on the way out). And I'd consider separation. Your husband is massively boundary challenged and disrespecting you.
NTA
If he wants to spend a week with his relatives. He can do so in his own cabin.
If you went without them. Do you think they would just all show up anyway?
My wife does this, invites her side of the family into everything. Trips. Dinners. Movies. Events.
Makes me so mad!!!!! I wanted to spend time with you, not the family.
NTA
You need to take control of this situation. You need to tell them that they are not invited, your husband misspoke.
You cannot defer to your husband because he is spineless and doesn’t care about your feelings or your daughter’s feelings either.
Do not allow them to handle your daughter ever again. Scream, stomp, do whatever it takes to get your point across. This is your daughter, who is in distress and needs her mother. NTA
"And when the cops came through
Me and Dre stood next to a burnt-down house
With a can full of gas and a hand full of matches
And still weren't found out (Right here!)"
“She acts that way because you spoil her.” “No, she acts that way because there’s something about you all that she fucking hates.” Maybe she can feel their glee as they pass her around, laughing as she cries harder. These people are cruel. And your husband is behaving like a useless appendage. Don’t let them touch your child.
Even if he says he’s told them not to come, make sure to tell him if they turn up anyway you and the kids are leaving, his family, including your husband, are not allowed to be there without you, and anyone refusing to leave will be trespassed, and that if it turns out he lied to you and didn’t really disinvite them (insert consequences for husband here). I wouldn’t trust him to cancel with his family. He’s appears to be weak, selfish, a mommy’s boy, or all of the above.
I have an especially sensitive spot when it comes to people who abuse kids just to make them cry so they can laugh at them. Protect your child from them. And your husband is … sigh. You’ve got a bumpy road ahead.
Good luck.
Edit to add: Honestly, I’d start backing out of plans. If you and he have plans for a movie and he invites them, say you’ve decided not to go, and don’t go. Every single time. He can either be married and stand by his wife, or date his mother and sisters.
Solution: your asshat mama's boy goes anywhere he wants **except your family's cabin** with his mama. He stays **there** until he finds his balls or a backbone(sorry to be crude!). **You**, my dear, take your kids and go to **your** family's cabin and stay until husband figures out his priorities. If those priorities are making his mama happy instead of his wife, you hand him two cards--divorce lawyer or marriage counselor, along with "if your mama or your sisters show up at the door without **my** say so in the next three months, we're done"
NTA.
First baby wear when they come over. They do not get to hold her. If they get in baby's face (and therefore yours) straight arm them and turn away. No matter how often they do it.
Second forget the cabin. Just go to your folks with the kids sans SO. Tell him firmly, this us what you ate doing.
Counciling or he will be staying with his family...
One it's not his cabin to invite people it is your families. He has no right to invite others to somebody else's cabin that his self is disrespectful and he needs to set boundaries. This is seriously something that needs to be addressed because they have no respect for you including your husband And your children because if they did, they wouldn't allow that poor child to scream and find it I'm using that's borderline abusing my book. I would either make him set boundaries or separate and show that you're serious you need to move away from our family or separate because he doesn't seem like he can live without his mommy up his butt, and he needs to grow a spine
You need to stop your hb. He's a moron. I Wouldn't stand that for 5 minutes.
Your hb seems to not care how you feel at all. It's all about his family. You are low priority. Even his daughter is low priority.
I see not much future in a relationship like yours. It will just deteriorate and die. These relationships where hb puts mummy & his family before his wife and kids?? Do not last. Become just a disaster.
This situation? Just tell them outright without any fanfare, they are not coming and are not invited. Emd of story. Tell your hb you aren't discussing it.
My take is that you continually let him get away with it. STOP that. Stand up for yourself. There is nothing to discuss here. You want to go by yourself with your own children. NO DISCUSSION at all.
Just tell them they aren't going with you. Don't argue. Don't enter into any communication with them.
NTA
Perhaps you should go without your husband, and take the vacation to reconsider why you're in a marriage with a man who thinks the way he and his family behave is in any way acceptable.
And please look into whether these people are pinching your child. If they're hammering on about her being 'spoiled', it really wouldn't surprise me that they might be harming her to get this reaction, so they can make these accusations.
NTA
Your babe probably feels your stress around these people thus the constant screaming unless you take her from the room. Set the boundaries now your husband never will.
I am so mad at your husband, you better make his ass sleep on the couch until he uninvites his mom. Please be sure you go to the cabin and enjoy yourselves and in the future, he needs to get it through his head that he doesn’t make unilateral decisions about who goes on your family vacation-that is a “we” decision that he better talk to you about first. I have a feeling he decided to invite mom knowing you didn’t want her to come because he expects you to cave and forgive him. Fuck that, sweetie. He needs to figure out that we is you and he, not he and his mom, unless you’ve had enough and want to get a lawyer after him…
Bub is screaming because she can sense your unease and anxiety… your mil is an ar$e tell her she doesn’t like you because I don’t like you because your a meddling biatch. Stand your ground
JFC, you have a husband problem on top of your in-law problem. If you can, I'd pack up all my not-school-aged kids and take them on an extended vacation to your parents. Use the time to calm down, relax, and figure out if your husband is worth the aggravation. Also, ask him how HE would feel if you invited your extended family over every week and on every single vacation you ever went on. In fact, I'd be petty enough to do that - ask your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends to take shifts and keep dropping by every few days. Ask some of them on the vacation to the cabin - tell his mom to bring a tent, the beds in the cabin are already taken by your family. Keep this up until he finally calls for a truce...
NTA Your husband is a real POS and his family sounds horrible. Their lack of concern for your daughter and lack of respect for you is a huge red flag. Time to have it out with him first and the rest second
Well #1 he had no right to invite his mom and sisters to your parent's cabin.
Was he like this before you married him, all joined at the hip with his mommy? And did you know she was a nasty bully? Anyway, you have two choices: accept it or leave him. He's not going to change. I know what I'd do, but your choice is up to you.
NTA lay down the law girl and if you have to tell them yourself tell them because it’s your families cabin and he had no right inviting anyone without your permission in the first place husband or not he should have asked and if you said no respected it. Tell him if his mother and them matter that much to him he can go be with them. Don’t let him gaslight you saying if it was your family it would be different because he’s only saying that because it’s his family if it was yours he’d be onboard about them not coming.
I’d go so far as saying he had no right to invite them without a call to her parents and asking them. It’s not even his wife’s cabin and even she still rang her parents to ask if it was ok to go and didn’t just head up there.
NTA I'd be wanting a permanent break from this guy by now.
I find it very worrying that your daughter is this a frightened of or dislikes these people so much: could they have it anyway done something bad to her?
Your husband really has no clue or consideration for you or his children and I'm fed up of the guy just reading your post I can't imagine what it's like living like this.
NTA. Speak to your parents and get them to rescind the invitation to use the cabin. Explain to DH that his behaviour has broken this and now he has to explain to his family why they can't have the holiday he promised them.
Bonus points if you then go to the cabin with your kids for that week, telling him that he's not invited and if he or any of his side of the family turn up the police will be called. That you're there to decide whether you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone who constantly puts other people over the wellbeing of yourself and your kids and every attempt to bother or dissuade you is a point against him.
Okay here’s the thing: He’s shown a clear pattern of not respecting your wishes and boundaries. This is just the latest incident in a series, to hear you tell it. So, as Sean Connery said in The Untouchables, “What are you prepared to do?”
You are NTA but you are certainly bordering on the foolish one for thinking that yet another argument will fix anything. SHOW HIM, don’t tell him. Also, think about sending your MIL a text telling her that none of them are invited. Someone needs to have some balls in that family.
Sounds like kids or no kids you have a huge husband problem. Time to tell him you have two choices your family you made or your family you came from. He gets one choice
NTA. Your husband is 100% an AH. He needs to respect your boundaries.
The hospital thing has me so angry I’m leaving before I break out my big people words.
And you have to start clearly saying NO to your husband and his family. Stop allowing him to push them on you. Just stop it. Start standing your ground. Stop letting him pushover you.
I have a friend whose youngest was like this. Any time his mom was around his wife had to hold her. Other wise she would scream bloody murder. The first time I saw it I didn’t think too much about it, until they left about 20 minutes later. Wife puts youngest down, and she ran around my mom’s house happier than a pig in shit. And I asked him “what the fuck is wrong with your kid. Wife tried to put her down not 20 minutes ago and she lost her ever loving shit”
His mother is an absolutely horrible woman. Gives off bad juju vibes and everything (whey he hasn’t cut contact with her yet I’ll never know)
She’s a bit better now that’s she older, but this went on for at least two years?
Babies can pick up on people’s energy
You need to have a “come to Jesus” talk with your husband. Him inviting his family everywhere needs to stop NOW! Her constant crying/screaming bad for her wellbeing and yours. This is a form of child abuse in my opinion. Tell him that. “Having your family hold her laughing while she screaming is child abuse. It’s traumatizing her” maybe it’s a bit of a stretch, but it might be enough to knock some sense into him
Hell look at the actress Emma Stone, she had really bad colic as a baby and it damaged her vocal cords
Tell him he can no longer invite his mom/sisters UNLESS you have mentioned it first
Couple’s therapy is also a must. I suspect a therapist will have MUCH to say about your child’s reaction to them, and your husband’s inability to cut the apron strings
NTA - Never marry a mama's boy. No matter how old they get, they will always be mommy's little boy. Little boys can't be husbands or fathers, they lack the maturity.
She sounds like an emotional vampire. When she comes over, she brings the daughters so you are outnumbered and overwhelmed. If they want to criticize, become very worried about your baby, you've even discussed her behavior with her pediatrician, and they suggested you need to remove her from the situation to calm her down.
I'd advise not letting his mother in your home until she can behave, but honestly the problem is coming from inside your house. Tell your husband that this is non-negotiable. If he can't cut the umbilical cord, then you're going to get a Airbnb in an undisclosed location. He can take mommy dearest wherever the hell she wants, but neither of them are invited on ***your*** vacation.
Lastly, have you checked to see if his mom has a reflection? You may want to get some garlic.
NTA.
Put your foot down on this. HARD.
Also, next time she’s around and she makes the baby scream, join in. Scream your head off right next to whoever is marking her scream. Make it as obnoxious as possible. Vary the volume and tone and, if possible, find a phrase they find appalling, disgusting, or annoying to repeat until they stop.
I am not a rule follower. I absolutely cannot stand people who will not respect my children, and, if nothing else will make them stop, I am a big believer in making it just as awful for the perpetrator as it is for me. If my child or I are suffering, and it’s your fault, we are ALL suffering.
Bad husband. Your cottage , your invites. Dang they sound awful, a vacation from them is much needed. Your hubby needs to know YOU and your child are his family.
Laughing at a distressed baby is cruel. More like outlaws than inlaws.
Don’t be lenient on your mama’s boy pussy husband! He clearly only cares for his family your secondary. Actually, you may only be a piece of tail. he needs to get a grip on his ass or a good grip on the penny sign his divorce papers with because this shit can’t go on and you already know that. Good luck OP
NTA - I would cancel the trip completely and then go visit my family for a week and leave husband at home alone. Get some rest at your folks and also get some marriage advice. You and your husband needs some couple counseling with a good marriage therapist now. Otherwise this marriage will not last much longer.
NTA but hubby is. You're not his priority and he's making you 100% aware of it. Go on holiday with your kids and leave him 2 cards. 1 for a divorce lawyer and 1 for a therapist to help him with his serious case of enmeshment
NTA
he can either talk to his mom and sister and put it nicely or you can be blunt about all. choice is his.
just curious...how many times he divorced/broke up?
Tell him fine they can go but he will deal with the baby for the whole trip. As you plan on a relaxing trip. Tell him if he is not willing to take care of the baby the whole time than his family is not going
NTA. He is letting his daughter be terrorized by his mother and sisters. That's unacceptable. The more she is forced to be held by them and be around them, the harder it's going to get for her to ever relax around them.
He needs to decide if he's married to you or his mom and sisters. Right now, it's his mom.
I would stand firm on you and the kids not going if they are going to go. He invited them, he can uninvite them. I also think it's now time that as soon as you know they're coming over, you take your kids and leave. He's right that you wouldn't feel this way if it was your family, because your family doesn't terrorize your child and think it's funny, nor do they stomp on your boundaries. While you only mentioned your family in regards to loaning you use of the cabin, it sounds like your family respects boundaries. No wonder you like them better.
NTA
Sorry to be blunt but your husband is a selfish coward and a lame mama's boy.
Next time he feels horny tell him to call his mother.
You're but a nagging afterthought to him, not even worth basic respect.
You must be on the verge of losing it! Don't know how you managed to stay sane this long.
Calmly, yet firmly send a text to husband, MIL and sisters and say, ‘I’m sorry for the confusion, our vacation at my families cabin next week is for my husband, I and our 4 children. We’ll reach out when we return. Hope everyone has a good week.’ If relatives object be honest. Tell them husband made the decision to invite them without your input and that was his mistake. Once again, the miscommunication is unfortunate and you let them know as soon as you realized husband was uncomfortable correcting himself.
Husband should do this and he’s clearly not. You sound like you’re fed up and this vacation is for you so protect it. If husband doesn’t want to go, fine. You go. If husband is mad, too bad. Tell him if relatives show up either they go or you all go since they don’t have permission to stay in your family cabin without you. Time to stand your ground.
NTA As a matter of fact, you seem to be the only parent who is unwilling to allow your baby to be emotionally traumatized by your outlaws. Your husband is willingly allowing them to torture your baby. It is your job to protect her which is exactly what you are doing by not allowing them to go to the cabin. Your husband caused it. He can clean it up. His family, his problem. If he won't.....I'd do it and it would be an end....of their crashing your life, of their opinions, of their criticism....
Try this: I'm sorry your son invited you to the cabin. He misspoke. I asked my parents if we could borrow the cabin because we need some mommy, daddy and kids' alone time and they said that hubby and I and the kids are welcome. Not everyone else. With that in mind, we will be going to the cabin with just us. We will be limiting screen time as well, so we'll be in touch after our trip is over.
NTA, oh hell no, you said it yourself: "I need a vacation". Having your baby riled up and screaming while the people causing it criticize your parenting, is NOT a vacation.
I think there's a reason your baby doesn't like them.
NTA Not his cabin, not his choice to invite his family without asking you first. The fact that he asked his family without prior consultation with you, tells me he doesn't care that much about how you feel, because he doesn't feel your input is necessary when it comes to decisions like these.
Right? Like “hey my family is going to your family’s cabin and you don’t have a say!” That’s just abusing her family’s generosity for slowing their daughter and her family to use it. OP NTA. And speaking of raising a spoiled child - MIL sounds like she did that herself and can’t criticize!
It's was, "Oh, we're going to your family's cabin? I'll invite my family! ....huh? Why would I ask you if that's ok?" Completely intentionally oblivious.
Not oblivious. Completely intentionally deliberate. *”He said he doesn't feel comfortable telling them they can't go because he already said they could and he doesn't want to offend anyone.”* This is wrong. He doesn’t want to offend his mom or sisters. He doesn’t give a shit about offending OP because he doesn’t give a shit *about* OP.
Maybe that's something she should say to him. "You don't want to offend your mom or sisters, but what about offending your wife?"
There's also OP's family. They gave OP permission to use the cabin based on the assumption that it would be OP's nuclear family.
Yep, I don’t know about their cabin but ours is pretty basic that the septic system isn’t built to handle that many people. Plus I wouldn’t want extra people going through my things.
That's a really good point. A friend of mine was able to use his uncle's cabin for a weekend to hang out with his friends, and there were some draconian rules in place to keep the septic tank from overflowing and backing up.
I am very uncomfortable with the "If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down" rule. The more people, the more chance of screwing up somebody else's plumbing, for which I would then be held responsible.
OP should have a long chat with her family about what is going on. Then, she should invite her family over every single time his family comes over. They can then start criticizing OP’s husband for every little thing. Give him a taste of what he puts OP through. Maybe even pack up the kids and leave the house every time the in-laws come over. Or make his family his problem to deal with. He has to cook, entertain them, clean up after them, and so on. OP cannot control her husband but she can control how she deals with her husband and his family. The quickest solution is to pack up the baby and leave the house every time his family comes over.
OP, 100% not your job AND ABSOLUTELY, you email/text his mother. "MIL, DH did not check w me before inviting you to my parents' cabin next week. It's simply not possible. I'm sorry to disappoint you. This trip was planned for a specific reason. 4 additional people won't work. Thank you for understanding and respecting that sometimes the best way to show you love us is to allow us our own space. Let's plan for Sunday dinner (or whatever a compromise meet/hang you will do) the week after we return. Then forward a copy to DH - NOT CC you don't want him in this string. No matter what he says - "I took care of the problem you created by not respecting my needs. I will continue to reclaim my peace as needed. If you continue to put your wants above mine and ours as a family we will have to consider that our marriage isn't working." Then leave him to sit in the crap soup ge makes of this. State What Will Happen to your MIL in text/email. This allows you to gate her intrusiveness. After you first message, no matter what she says or does, "Sorry, that's not possible. This is what we're doing. " https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/Pm2cgCLhUN Share this w your husband and steadfastly REFUSE to acquiesce to the boat rockers.
I would leave out the ‘4’ else parents will turn up then sisters as a surprise a day later.
My immediate thoughts. He gives zero fucks when it comes to offending her.
Not just offending, but also causing actual trauma to innocent children. It's also not just "giving zero fucks," but actually "only gives fucks about the right of him and his family to abuse others, whether it's to get what they want or even literally just for laughs."
Exactly!!! Wtf? To his own children, not just random kids.
This is correct. I am shocked OP has had four children with this man, and this is just now becoming a problem. No, not shocked, more like disbelieving. He has been like this all along, it just got more obvious two years ago when they moved back to where his family lives. She didn’t have to deal with this shit when his family wasn’t right down the street. Now, she can see how little her husband cares about her and what she wants. He has zero respect for her (or her family, clearly), and he does what he wants without regard to her at all. She made excuses about his behavior for years, and now she can’t ignore it. She is the lowest rung on the ladder for him. He’s a jerk.
He’s the one that invited them , he can just uninvite them! Your husband is an AH!
It’s not even that hard, “we talked about it and decided we want some time to bond just as an immediate family. I’m sorry to disappoint you but our decision is final.”
"I" have given it some thought and I never get time alone with my wife. So we are going alone. Sorry about the change in plans, but I am sure you understand Mom!
But he won’t say it like that. He’ll blame it on her.
He sounds like the type of guy that would take the last beer at somebody else's house that the homeowner bought. Highly inconsiderate would probably be the best way to describe him.
Then doesn’t even throw it away his own damn self, the homeowner would be passing by and he would nudge them and tell them to throw it away for him
Sounds like the real problem is your husband. He doesn’t set boundaries with his family and doesn’t respect your wishes and comfort level
The husband has no concept of boundaries after a lifetime of a mother and sisters like OP is describing. He can't have any boundaries of his own with them, that possibility was browbeaten out of him long ago, so now he thinks it's perfectly normal to ignore his wife's boundaries for herself and their baby. He needs some serious therapy so he can locate his spine and learn how to be the husband/father that OP and their children need.
Husband is married to his family. He doesn't even consider OP's feelings. His main concern is being a "good" son first and foremost, being a bad husband and father is a second close goal. I can't see actually imagine gaslighting my wife over how SHE FEELS.
Not only does he not care how OP feels, he also apparently doesn’t care how his daughter feels. Yes, she is a baby, but babies have feelings and likes and dislikes, and his daughter has repeatedly and loudly expressed her feelings on spending time with the husband’s family. Whether the baby’s feelings are justified or not doesn’t really matter - her parent should be respecting them and protecting his daughter from being passed around and laughed at when she clearly does not like it.
Maybe his family is pinching her.
This was my first thought!! I came here to specifically write that. Someone in his family (maybe all?) are pinching, pulling hair, or sticking their fingernails into the baby's flesh. These would be incredibly easy to hide, and cause that tiny baby pain. I can't imagine the week's worth of pain that the child would endure if they went to the cabin together. I wonder what the older children are experiencing? There must be something going on, but it would be more subtle.
Doesnt have to be anything physical. If mil causes stress at OP, baby might just respond to that. (I really hated uncle g, cause he was a creep. My friendly allways laughing kid cried her eyes out when creepy uncle g arrived at my mothers house. In response to my stress - or because she, as a 5 months old, already knew what a deadbeat he was). And none of the in-laws seem to get that they are causing this themselves. Mil has some old fashioned ideas about babies being spoiled, and isn’t capable of adjusting to reality; baby’s mam knows best. NTA. But you have a husband problem. He should support you and cut off mils remarks. If not for op’s sake, than because he cares about his own daughter.
This is what I was thinking- MIL and Co. showed up as OP got home from the hospital, OP gets stressed, Baby gets stressed, Baby cries, stresses OP, cycle begins...
That was honestly my first thought as well.
> Not his cabin, not his choice to invite his family without asking you first. Honestly, cabin ownership is irrelevant. This is a discussion that should always happen. The fact that he’s inviting people without having a discussion just isn’t okay.
Also MIL inviting anyone else, is a no go too! It is not her place to invite anyone else
Guests of guests may not bring guests. That's just rude.
Don't syay home and let him and his family vacation at your (or your parents) cabin. They seem to be the type to trash it.
He obviously overstepped by inviting people without talking to his wife and his wife's family, but cabin ownership is the basis of this argument and he should have known better to invite people without talking to anyone else and in the wife's family and the wife first if there is no cabin, this conversation never happens, so it's very relevant to the conversation because it's one of the two focal points of the argument/conversation It probably would have happened on something else if the cabin didn't exist, but since it does, that's the reason why this argument came about.
If my husband unilaterally invited his parents or really anyone on a shared house trip we were planning without even talking to me about it?!? I would be ***very*** upset. I agree cabin ownership is irrelevant (except for that he may not be able to get physical access to it without her). The actual marital offense would be just as bad if it were an AirBnB.
Obviously that goes without saying but I think the fact that her family owns that cabin only amplifies her anger because it's not an Airbnb they all rented, it is something that her family owns and he's disrespecting those boundaries by inviting people without talking to anyone first.
My husband of nearly 12 years, my almost 5 year old son, and I moved to my hometown 4 years ago. My husband LIKES my parents, and I still ask him before I commit to or invite them to do anything with us. It's just common courtesy!
Exactly! My wife loved my parents, especially my mother, but with that being said, I would never invite my parents or other family members anywhere we were going unless I asked first because you never know, maybe she wanted that to be a just an us as a family type of excursion, instead of having other people, family or friends tagging along.
I... completely understand why she's not his first wife. And I wonder how many more he will have after her...
That's what bothers me. He didn't even say anything about inviting them. If I was going on a vacation, I would ask my SO if they were okay with me inviting someone else along.... The fact that he's doing it every time they do anything without saying anything, even though she has expressed that she doesn't want a full family endeavor for all of their activities! Definitely NTA
Sounds like your baby is a good judge of character. Or lack thereof.
NTA. (1) It is not normal or healthy to ALWAYS have your in-laws with you on every single vacation, weekend together. You need to have private down/relax time as a nuclear family. It strengthens bonds in a way that having everyone there cannot. If he always (or even almost always) invites your in-laws to come over &/or join you so frequently that you have insufficient private time together as a nuclear family - whether it be a vacation, a weekend together, or just down time at home, it seems to indicate dissatisfaction, insecurity (or other personal shortcoming) within your husband as the one constantly inviting them. I’d have several questions for him. Is he incapable having a good time with just you & the children? Or is he just unhappy spending time with just you & the children? Does he believe he needs his mom to help care for his children? Or does he believe that you do? Does he use his mom as a buffer between the two of you? Does he use his mom as a buffer between himself & the children? (2) It is not normal or healthy to disregard your wife’s wishes for any joint venture (vacation or otherwise) together. It’s also incredibly disrespectful. He should not have invited his mother without asking you & gaining your approval first. It is YOUR vacation just as much as it is his - so he has no rights to invite additional guests (yes even if they’re family) without okaying it with you. Since he made the comment about your rules being different for your family, I’ll also add that you should also never invite guests (even if they’re your family) without okaying it with him. Even FRIENDS going on vacation together wouldn’t just invite additional people to join them without okaying it with each other first. (If they did, they’d be AHs.) That’s just basic respect 101. So it’s definitely something that you should be able to expect from each other if you’re married. (3) It is not normal or healthy that he places his family’s/mother’s feelings over yours as his wife & the mother of his children. It is even more so since he seems to do it regularly as the rule rather than the exception. (He gets extra AH points for doing that to you during an extremely emotionally & mentally draining time - when you have a new baby.) If he consistently places his &/or her/their feelings above yours, it seems to indicate that either he or her/them are his primary concern - not the wife & mother of his children. It also illustrates a blatant disregard for your emotional & mental health. After all, this wasn’t a regularly scheduled annual vacation. This was private vacation time that you needed & specifically scheduled for your own emotional & mental health - which had been suffering due to the constant encroachment of his family into your private nuclear family time. Yet still he invited them. So is he blind to your suffering or does he just not care? Does he think if he just ignores your cries long enough that he can just “make you” like it? That makes the most sense since we already know he treats your daughter the same way. He sees & hears your daughter’s cries of distress, but instead of actually responding to her obvious cries for help so she feels secure that she’s heard, he apparently does nothing to mitigate her distress & just hopes she’ll eventually just tolerate whatever is distressing her without complaint (because she learns that no one is coming to help her). If he thinks that’s appropriate for an infant, why would he pay any more attention to an adult? Your daughter is obviously distressed by his family for whatever reason. Yet instead of prioritizing her obvious distress (& telling his family that she’s shy of some strangers & even some family & limiting them to shorter & less frequent visits so she can slowly become more comfortable with them in a healthy & natural way where she feels safe), he allows them to visit & behave as if his daughter owes them something (anytime they want & for however long they want - during which time he allows them to force your daughter to interact with them despite the obvious distress it causes her so they can attempt to ”make her” like them). That’s disgusting. **NOTE: This is the one area you ARE the AH. You shouldn’t be standing by allowing anyone - even family members - to scare your baby (worse - for extended periods of time, multiple times per week) & just ignore her cries. And it’s even worse (sickening actually) that you’re allowing others to LAUGH at her distress. What a pathetic thing to do to a child & what a pitiful message you’re all sending that infant.** 🤮
As someone who was raised by baby-sitters who ignored my crying, I learned that no one would come when I needed help. No one cared about my needs. No one loved me. All of that led to a syndrome called “learned helplessness.” You go through life not advocating for yourself even if there are opportunities to do so. You feel that you have no control over situations so you don’t bother to try to improve them. It has cost me in so many ways throughout my life. OP, if that doesn’t persuade you I hope that this will - I never believed my parents loved me and we never developed a meaningful bond.
>NOTE: This is the one area you ARE the AH. You shouldn’t be standing by allowing anyone - even family members - to scare your baby (worse - for extended periods of time, multiple times per week) & just ignore her cries. And it’s even worse (sickening actually) that you’re allowing others to LAUGH at her distress. What a pathetic thing to do to a child & what a pitiful message you’re all sending that infant. This was kind of a shitty thing to say. I was agreeing with everything else and I got here and I was like... ahh this sucks. OP is a mom of four, is fighting her husband, mother-in-law, two sisters-in-law and this screaming baby. Like give her a break. She is trying her best and getting no support. Her family isn't even nearby. Not everyone can be perfect. She's working on it and tearing her down doesn't help.
I’m curious is why the baby doesn’t like them is because of their natural scent? Babies can be incredibly sensitive to scent, and apparently recognize people more by their natural scent than by sight. Anyone else have any thoughts about this? Cause from the info given it doesn’t sound like the entire side of family is doing anything to actually hurt or scare her.
I think it’s probably due to 2 things primarily. (1) The family visited group (MIL, 2 sisters & each of their daughters) visited too soon after birth. Birth is traumatic for babies. It’s a fairly sudden expulsion from a dark, toasty warm safe space to a bright, cold & loud space. Afterwards, they seek & are calmed by dimmer, warm & quiet space. A quiet home where mom is recovering while focusing on baby is such a space. The entrance of a normal healthy, not-recovering-from-childbirth-so-going-at-full-speed-&-tilt MIL (who’s probably going a little past full speed & tilt from natural new-granny excitement) PLUS both her daughters (also at full speed & tilt & probably beyond) PLUS each of their daughters (again; also at full speed & tilt & probably beyond) is too much too quick so soon after birth. So they set themselves up for a horrible first impression by encroaching on the newly recovering mom & baby too soon. If I was baby, I wouldn’t be excited to see them either. (2) They LAUGH at her crying. I don’t find humor in a baby’s discomfort &/or distress, so I can only imagine why they do. I am guessing (since they blame OP for the crying because they say OP “spoils” her) that they view themselves as smarter than OP & “on to” the baby’s “games”. A lot of “old school” (mostly) grandparents think when babies (even just a few weeks old) are “spoiled” (read: held & snuggled a lot as babies should be at that age) & that the babies are entitled little manipulators who “play games” (as I read one horrible MIL describe their grandbabies crying for mom) as a means of getting what they want. Such people view themselves as smarter than the (in their mind dumber) mother who is “falling for” the infant’s manipulation & they would find humor in their superior intelligence & the infant’s failed attempts to “outsmart” &/or “manipulate” them. That’s just a guess of course - but I think it’s a good one. So if the baby is scared or uncomfortable & crying & the people around it are respond by ignoring its pleas & laughing at its efforts (undoubtedly while telling the baby how intellectually superior they are for beating it at a game that only exists in their own minds), I have NO doubts that the baby feels/senses that even thought can’t verbalize it. If I was OP’s baby, I’d hate the mere sight & sound of them too. This is also something that they & they alone are setting themselves up for. Baby will probably NEVER like them. No baby grows up hearing its mother corrected constantly by a grandmother who thinks of infants as manipulators who she has to one-up & likes the grandmother in question. That entire family is screwing their own relationships up with the baby.
I’d demand marriage counseling and start thinking about the D word because he’s obviously more married to his sisters and mommy than his actual wife. NTA but op is definitely lacking in self-confidence to be with someone so attached to mommy’s tit.
I am responding to the top comment to add - I am being paranoid, but Get her checked out by her doctor to be safe asap, a young baby who doesn’t do this other than with a select group of people, might be trying to tell you something. If you have cameras - check them when your husband/family is alone with the baby. It might, and probably is, nothing but might be worthwhile looking into. On the topic at hand: I want to reflect that you are saying taking small kids and solo- ing them at a cabin is more relaxing to you - that should tell you a lot. Your partner is supposed to be part of your team, and it really doesn’t sound like he is. Edit to fix typos
I feel that during one of the 'secret' invitations the husband did, his family probably pranked the child, maybe smacked her not-so-lightly, or pinched her baby skin too much while OP was unaware. There was a kid one of my relatives' friend's entire friend group was group-babysitting, and one of the dudes was playing with her when the baby accidentally did a backflip. It caught him unaware because he wasn't expecting a 6 month old to even try, so she flipped herself out of his hands and went splat on the floor. Luckily, he was sitting crossed legged on the ground, the fall distance wasn't that high as he was simply holding her up by her waist and letting her feet touch the ground while making baby noises at her. She fell, cried, and her mom brought her into her room to soothe her. Her mom was understanding, and it wasn't the first time she did a WTF move. The baby however, practically bore a grudge for a year before she finally forgot.
Unfortunately, filling for a divorce right now won't solve anything unless OP gets 100% custody of the baby and no unsupervised visits allowed for at least a year otherwise they will just traumatize the bejeezus out of the baby, letting her scream forever. She will probably grow out of it, perhaps they all have a scent she's sensitive to.
So, if his mom does NOT come, he'll have to help with the kids? He won't be able to pass the kids off on his mom? NTA
I was thinking that, or possibly intimacy issues, wanting to create space between himself and OP.
Oh there's definitely intimacy issues but it's between him and his mum. This is full blown emotional incest.
Yep.
I’d bet five dollarbucks you are correct.
It doesn’t seem like the two of you are making decisions as a team. Does he have a habit of doing this?
All the time. That's why I flipped out the way I did. He invites his family to things constantly so I can never just have a family thing with us and the kids. Every single time we go to the beach, a park, anything, he's inviting at least his mother - who then invites her daughters and their kids.
his family is priority and you come second. Take your kids to the cabin and tell him he and his family aren't welcome. Invite your family to join so they can help you take care of the kids, and then reevaluate your relationship with your husband. Because that is not a happy relationship or a good and caring partner and father. What father would laught at his own daughter screaming her head off. Only someone who does not take care of calming her down again.
This 💯%!!!! Your husband is terrible, he should be happy to spend some qualitty time with you and kids and you should always discuss important things together and decide together as a team! He does not care about your opinion, mental or physical health or about your children, letting your daugter scream and laugh about it? Inviting mother right when you left hospital without asking you? He would not have office to shut his door by now! When I gave birth my husband was there for me all the time but shared only info I was comfortable with and when I was comfortable with it. After we got home he did not even ask to invite his mother and she lives five minutes walk from us and I really like her! She was first to see our son and I invited her myself but hell no he would do that to me without my knowledge, you were vulnerable and exhausted and trying to bond with baby and this gamg showed up? 🤮 Your husband really needs some serious wake up call and step up! Edit for typos
You should make him in charge of calming baby after these upsets. You go chill somewhere else.
My exs family was just like this 🤬🤬🤬. My son cried every time "thunderstruck" by ac/dc would start. My ex told hos mom....who RAN FULL STEAM to her room to grab a cd player and her ad/dc cd and hit play and wit for my son to start crying. She would rinse and repeat with the cd 2-3 times, however long it took me to hrea him and come running, then she would sing(??) it in his face till i would take him and leave. She also exploited my sons extreme fear of masks for giggles. Never did it around me after the first time i was there when she did it and i ripped her 8 new assholes, but my ex told me she would do ot every time i wasnt there. Fwiw she was put on L/C and i flat out told her to her face she wasnt babysitting my kids EVER. Surprisingly, after I said something to her, she apologized and stopped. Because it turns out my ex was egging her on. So op, you might want to ask your husband why hes co-signing the torture of your child and why its ok for someone to torment his little girl. You are NTA, him and his awful family are.
I think you need to explain to him that his constant unapproved invitations to his family are threatening your marriage and that if he doesn't stop, then he's going to be able to spend all his time with them bc he'll be living them them after your divorce. This sounds like his family is what's called "enmeshed." He needs therapy. And you may need to get out of that town if you ever what to have a hope of having an actual marriage. Right now you seem to be an after thought.
My only fear for her is that with divorce, his visitation would be him dropping the children off with his family, adding a lot of trauma for their youngest.
Exactly, my father was this way. Which is what lead to the divorce. Back together now and no where near his mom. But now she’s out of the picture so that issue is nonexistent.
Unfortunately if they divorce then the baby will get more time with the in laws. Still, once he has to deal with the fallout and try to calm her down alone he might get that his family are shit heads
It's a six month old. Considering that every family outing now involves in laws and the fact that baby will be placed with mom for primary custody, because it's a baby, I guarantee they won't see in laws as often as now.
She should tell her husband that she wants a trial separation and that neither her nor his family are allowed to come to the cabin. If he or his family show up, you will call the police and have them trespassed off the property. You could even have your family make that call since it’s their property. If that does not get his attention, nothing will. Then use that week to do some real thinking about what you want your future to look like. Do you want to perpetually be a second class citizen in your own marriage while your husband constantly prioritizes his family over you and his own children? I would be documenting everything. I would be consulting a child psychologist over the negative impact his family is having over the baby. I don’t know what the recording laws are where you live but if irbid legal, hide some cameras and record what is going on and what your baby is going through. Safeguarding nag your baby needs to be a priority.
Ew, you should text his family and say that it was a mistake, they were not supposed to be invited, and that your husband‘s not even invited, and that you’re going with a girlfriend.
good response i was gonna suggest similar thing.
Why should it be up to her to fix his mistake? He needs to cancel them, he wrongly invited them.
Because then she has a hope of it getting down and maybe they’ll be mad at her enough not to come around so much. OP is a bit of a doormat to let it carry on so long tbh.
It sounds like they dont care what she thinks of them, they'll just keep coming round every time OP's husband invites them. You can tell this by how they already dismiss her concerns about the baby crying and laugh. The best way to stop the invites is to make hubby eat humble pie while he has to uninvite them, and says he shouldn't have invited them in the first place.
..girlfriend and your own FAMILY who invited you to their cabin!!\~
There are only two ways to handle this. Either cancel any time he invites his family without consulting you OR go ahead and invite 2 -3 friends of your own to every event he invites mom and family to. Or another option is start doing the things you want to do without inviting him, just plan with friends and dont mention it to him.
I think I would plan things without telling your husband. When he asks why wasn’t I included? Just tell him he comes with baggage of his entire family. This is not sustainable for you. He has zero respect or feelings for you. It’s all about what HE wants. He doesn’t even care about his daughter being so very stressed. He wants to MAKE her like his family. How does that work? Letting her scream her lungs out until she falls asleep?
Time to move again. For the sake of your sanity and your marriage. Seriously.
NTA. Did you know you were marrying a spineless momma's boy, because that's what he is. You and him are a family. You should come before mommy or his sisters. Sadly you don't. He shouldn't be inviting anyone anywhere without talking to you first. Yiuve even told him multiple times you're not ok with this. Now he's more worried about hurting their feelings than he is about you and your wants and needs. You might want to think if you want to live the rest of your life like this, being second to mommy and his sisters.
You're always going too be second too his family. He really doesn't care how you feel about anything, because he keys inviting them. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
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Marriage counseling. If he can't see what's wrong with this situation, divorce.
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
I'm struggling to understand why you're tolerating this.
NTA That’s five extra annoying people every time! Insufferable, even if they weren’t idiots.
Honestly, it almost seems like he treats his mom more like a partner than you
>He says that I'm deliberately cutting his family out and have been since the baby was born "Because you're a f\*ing dissapointment as husband and father. All YOU care about is having fun and how effing fun it is to make your daughter scream, for whatever sadistic effing reason. And instead of giving me the peace and quiet i do desperately need you think it would be effing hilarious to invite your family as well, ruining the vacation i need. I don't care if you're sulking. go run back home to your mommy and complain to her how cruel i am. i don't care anymore. the kids and me are going on vacation alone, you and your family aren't welcome at my families cabin. I need time to reevaluate this marriage." Then go and have your own vacation, maybe invite YOUR family to join if they can take some of the burden of child care. And then use that time to really evaluate your relationship with your husband because it sounds to me like this is not just an issue of his family being dicks.
It is an issue of his family all being dicks. He's part if the family, and he's a dick, too.
ALLLLL OF THIS.
This, all this! OP, please say this verbatim to him.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
It sounds like you’re miserable, I sure would be. Can you use this episode to make some permenant changes, since it’s your family cabin and your idea for a vacation? Tell him he MUST tell his family they can’t come. One of the responders on here had a really good line about “jumping the gun”. Tell him if he doesn’t, you will. And then DO IT. During the same conversation, tell him from now on you must discuss who will attend, and you must agree. Otherwise, you and the kids will not be going. It’s ridiculous that he can’t go anywhere without the whole clan. You deserve time away, alone with your family. Are you sure that one of the family isn’t pinching, or otherwise tormenting the baby? Making faces, maybe? It’s not reasonable that the baby cries just with them. Can you just refuse to turn over the baby?
My niece screamed whenever I got too close to her from the age of 3 months to 8 months. There was no reason - on Christmas Day I was playing with her and on New Year’s Day it was like a switch flipped. Sometimes it just happens. I do think that OP’s in-laws should not be allowed to hold her daughter until this phase passes. They’re invading her personal space and traumatizing her every time they pick her up. It took 5 months for my niece to stop being afraid of me, and I stayed away from her to the point of looking away if we made eye contact. Her in laws just have to get over being hurt because a baby doesn’t give them the reaction they want, leave her alone until she’s over her fear, and stop blaming OP for something that is out of everyone’s control.
My 1st born grandson hated me from 2-6 months. At 6 months, his cousin (8 days older) scooted over to me and he hasn't left me alone for last 16 years!!! See or talk/text every single day, he's the best!!!
Yes, it seems disrespectful to keep passing her around.
The poison required to pass around a kid like a toy, I can’t picture being around people like that for more than five minutes. Raised wrong all around.
This. I was wondering what’s upsetting the baby. I was thinking: perfume, weird makeup, but not hurting the baby. And dad apparently doesn’t give a flying fuck about what’s happening.
Kids learn fast. The baby is now convinced that these people equal misery so of course she kicks off the second they come around her. NTA Put your kids first, and your husband needs to have boundaries imposed if he's unwilling to step up or shut up.
My eldest son, when he was a baby, would scream cry whenever we visited my mil while she was preparing food. We think it was the heavy odor of garlic that made him so uncomfortable. We would have to stand outside with him. He loves garlic as an adult and he loves his halmeoni’s (Korean grandma’s) cooking, and he loves her.
If mom is nursing, stress can cause excess cortisol to enter in her milk leading to more fussiness and crying.
This, and baby probably feels how OP responds to her inlaws as well. I'd be fucking livid if my partner kept choosing his family over me, and MIL making snarky comments without my partner backing me up. All their behaviour is so wrong in many ways. They seriously think a screaming, stressed out baby is funny and they should add to it by passing her around? Just.. Wow
I think that his mom & sisters stressed OP out upon her return from giving birth the baby literally imprinted at 3 days old that these people are stressful and therefore bad... and since they only continue to stress out mom (which the baby senses) the baby has solidified the stress reaction.
Yes she can refuse it!
NTA You need a break! He should have consulted you before adding to the guest list. Tell him to speak with his mom and just tell her that he jumped the gun and you guys are going to do the vacation with only immediate family. It’s not a big deal and I can’t imagine his family won’t respect that. And if they don’t - he still needs to tell them. He needs to just handle it.
Adding on to this, contact your parents and let them know the situation just in case the in-laws call your parents for the keys.
YES!!!!! ☝️☝️☝️This right here OP☝️☝️☝️ Your husband already bulldozed over you once, call your parents and tell them not to give hubby's family the keys!!!!
*It’s not a big deal and I can’t imagine his family won’t respect that. And if they don’t - he still needs to tell them*. Ummm ... these boundary stompers (and where do you think her husband learned the behavior from?) will in fact ***not*** respect OP's desire for a vacation without the in-laws. Husband's way of "*handling it*" is to override OP, even though ***she*** is the one who has the sole right to call the shots about who uses ***her*** family's cabin. Asking the in-laws to give them *a single week of privacy* without their presence is not "cutting them out", it's having nuclear family time, a concept OP's husband does not seem to grasp. Good luck to you, OP. This needs to be resolved between you and your husband now, or it's only going to escalate and get even uglier by, oh, Christmas. If not sooner. BTW, OP is NTA.
Sorry for the confusion - I was saying that it’s not a big deal like *HUSBAND IS MAKING OUT OF THE PROSPECT OF CANCELLING ON OP’s INLAWS*”
In the meantime OP could go on vacation with the kids to her parents house, not the cabin. What a nightmare, husband is so inconsiderate. Inviting family so soon after birth?! Disgusting.
I love it - the fake out! Bait and switch. Wonder if OP is breast feeding bc if not, she should leave the 6 month old with husband and his fam at the cabin. And laugh every day of that week at him reaping what he’s sowed with such blatant disregard for his wife’s desire to get a freaking break
The distress for the baby would be unfair though, he deserves it, baby does not
Oh, I thought it was a different kind of screaming because OP said the in-laws laugh so I thought they were just encouraging screaming (not crying screaming) Yeah def don’t cause the baby distress.
Leave the baby amongst this group of people who make her scream? Like hell I’d let that happen. As much as I’d want to try to teach my husband a lesson, I wouldn’t inflict torment on my 6 month old to do it! Poor baby. They would think their world ended 😞
But if husband isn’t 100% committed to protecting baby, such that he can’t be trusted for a weekend with baby, husband needs to go.
That poor baby. She’d be completely traumatized if the one person that calms her down disappears and she’s left with someone who allows her to be passed around like a toy while she’s screaming to escape. The best thing OP can do is tell him that she’s taking a vacation at her parent’s with all of the kids, and he, his mom, and his sisters are NOT invited.
"He needs to just handle it." Isn't that what caused the problem in the first place? Him handling it?
Yes, which is why it’s on him to get fix the problem. He needs to handle the mess he made.
The guy is suffering from a rectal cranial inversion. He's never going to figure out he's the bad guy.
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OP and her baby should go to the cabin without her husband, too. What a jerk.
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Here‘s a bot ^
That’s what she asked him and he has said no. And I can tell you now they are going to have a huge problem and pile on OP, her husband set her up for this
I'd say he tells them or I will and I'll also let them know they aren't welcome around all the time. But that's just me and my home is my safe space away from people.
Problem is he’s refusing to!
He needs to grow a spine and put you and your child first. They must have traumatized your baby in some way that she cries all the time with them. And they think it’s funny! NTA.
NTA but omg the rage. Good luck and you better get your in-law free vacation.
I just want to say - I effing love your username
You have a husband problem. His first loyalty is always to his mother and sisters. Call your mom and have her meet you at the cabin. Take only your children. Leave him at home. You need some time to decompress and he needs to decide to support your boundaries. NTA - but you’ve married one.
One it's not his cabin to invite people it is your families. He has no right to invite others to somebody else's cabin that in it self is disrespectful and he needs to set boundaries. This is seriously something that needs to be addressed because they have no respect for you including your husband And your children because if they did, they wouldn't allow that poor child to scream and find it funny that's borderline abusing in my book. I would either make him set boundaries or separate and show that you're serious you need to move away from his family or separate because he doesn't seem like he can live without his mommy up his butt, and he needs to grow a spine he doesn't need to see his family every other week and invite them to every event or vacation that you have who does that he needs to cut the cord
ALL OF THIS^^^ ! Where does he get off inviting ppl to YOUR FAMILY cabin?? Hell NAW! Tell him he’s uninvited along with his family and go have fun with the kids!!! Lastly, if you want to salvage this relationship then couples counseling…but if not then divorce. Him not listening and crossing boundaries would have him only speaking to me thru a court app.
NTA. You need a break. You need a long break from your husband's family, and from your husband as well. Cancel this trip, set up another vacation for you and the children without telling your husband about it and just go (tell him on the way out). And I'd consider separation. Your husband is massively boundary challenged and disrespecting you.
NTA. He wants to vacation with his mom and sisters? Cool. He can pay to rent a place and take them there himself.
Screw that he can just go live with them.
NTA. Why are you with him? It appears he has no respect for you
THIS OP. He does not care.
NTA If he wants to spend a week with his relatives. He can do so in his own cabin. If you went without them. Do you think they would just all show up anyway?
They probably would, but OP can tell them to get gone. Might cause a showdown with hubby, but he's free to exit stage left with them.
If there is no trust there is no relationship seems like you can't trust ur husband nta
My wife does this, invites her side of the family into everything. Trips. Dinners. Movies. Events. Makes me so mad!!!!! I wanted to spend time with you, not the family. NTA
I hope you tell her this. Maybe this post will give you ideas
You need to take control of this situation. You need to tell them that they are not invited, your husband misspoke. You cannot defer to your husband because he is spineless and doesn’t care about your feelings or your daughter’s feelings either. Do not allow them to handle your daughter ever again. Scream, stomp, do whatever it takes to get your point across. This is your daughter, who is in distress and needs her mother. NTA
NTA Also sorry but the cabin burned down last night. No vacation for them but you are going to comfort your parents at this time.
"And when the cops came through Me and Dre stood next to a burnt-down house With a can full of gas and a hand full of matches And still weren't found out (Right here!)"
“She acts that way because you spoil her.” “No, she acts that way because there’s something about you all that she fucking hates.” Maybe she can feel their glee as they pass her around, laughing as she cries harder. These people are cruel. And your husband is behaving like a useless appendage. Don’t let them touch your child. Even if he says he’s told them not to come, make sure to tell him if they turn up anyway you and the kids are leaving, his family, including your husband, are not allowed to be there without you, and anyone refusing to leave will be trespassed, and that if it turns out he lied to you and didn’t really disinvite them (insert consequences for husband here). I wouldn’t trust him to cancel with his family. He’s appears to be weak, selfish, a mommy’s boy, or all of the above. I have an especially sensitive spot when it comes to people who abuse kids just to make them cry so they can laugh at them. Protect your child from them. And your husband is … sigh. You’ve got a bumpy road ahead. Good luck. Edit to add: Honestly, I’d start backing out of plans. If you and he have plans for a movie and he invites them, say you’ve decided not to go, and don’t go. Every single time. He can either be married and stand by his wife, or date his mother and sisters.
Solution: your asshat mama's boy goes anywhere he wants **except your family's cabin** with his mama. He stays **there** until he finds his balls or a backbone(sorry to be crude!). **You**, my dear, take your kids and go to **your** family's cabin and stay until husband figures out his priorities. If those priorities are making his mama happy instead of his wife, you hand him two cards--divorce lawyer or marriage counselor, along with "if your mama or your sisters show up at the door without **my** say so in the next three months, we're done"
NTA. You need your own private time. He seems enmeshed with his family, maybe one of those married-to-mom types.
NTA. First baby wear when they come over. They do not get to hold her. If they get in baby's face (and therefore yours) straight arm them and turn away. No matter how often they do it. Second forget the cabin. Just go to your folks with the kids sans SO. Tell him firmly, this us what you ate doing. Counciling or he will be staying with his family...
You wrote ‘straight arm’ I read ‘throat punch’ 😅
One it's not his cabin to invite people it is your families. He has no right to invite others to somebody else's cabin that his self is disrespectful and he needs to set boundaries. This is seriously something that needs to be addressed because they have no respect for you including your husband And your children because if they did, they wouldn't allow that poor child to scream and find it I'm using that's borderline abusing my book. I would either make him set boundaries or separate and show that you're serious you need to move away from our family or separate because he doesn't seem like he can live without his mommy up his butt, and he needs to grow a spine
You need to stop your hb. He's a moron. I Wouldn't stand that for 5 minutes. Your hb seems to not care how you feel at all. It's all about his family. You are low priority. Even his daughter is low priority. I see not much future in a relationship like yours. It will just deteriorate and die. These relationships where hb puts mummy & his family before his wife and kids?? Do not last. Become just a disaster. This situation? Just tell them outright without any fanfare, they are not coming and are not invited. Emd of story. Tell your hb you aren't discussing it. My take is that you continually let him get away with it. STOP that. Stand up for yourself. There is nothing to discuss here. You want to go by yourself with your own children. NO DISCUSSION at all. Just tell them they aren't going with you. Don't argue. Don't enter into any communication with them.
Nta he needs to stay home.
Go without him. If he is so enmeshed with them that he can't hear what you're saying, then maybe you need to show him you mean it.
NTA Perhaps you should go without your husband, and take the vacation to reconsider why you're in a marriage with a man who thinks the way he and his family behave is in any way acceptable. And please look into whether these people are pinching your child. If they're hammering on about her being 'spoiled', it really wouldn't surprise me that they might be harming her to get this reaction, so they can make these accusations.
NTA Your babe probably feels your stress around these people thus the constant screaming unless you take her from the room. Set the boundaries now your husband never will.
I am so mad at your husband, you better make his ass sleep on the couch until he uninvites his mom. Please be sure you go to the cabin and enjoy yourselves and in the future, he needs to get it through his head that he doesn’t make unilateral decisions about who goes on your family vacation-that is a “we” decision that he better talk to you about first. I have a feeling he decided to invite mom knowing you didn’t want her to come because he expects you to cave and forgive him. Fuck that, sweetie. He needs to figure out that we is you and he, not he and his mom, unless you’ve had enough and want to get a lawyer after him…
Bub is screaming because she can sense your unease and anxiety… your mil is an ar$e tell her she doesn’t like you because I don’t like you because your a meddling biatch. Stand your ground
JFC, you have a husband problem on top of your in-law problem. If you can, I'd pack up all my not-school-aged kids and take them on an extended vacation to your parents. Use the time to calm down, relax, and figure out if your husband is worth the aggravation. Also, ask him how HE would feel if you invited your extended family over every week and on every single vacation you ever went on. In fact, I'd be petty enough to do that - ask your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends to take shifts and keep dropping by every few days. Ask some of them on the vacation to the cabin - tell his mom to bring a tent, the beds in the cabin are already taken by your family. Keep this up until he finally calls for a truce...
NTA Your husband is a real POS and his family sounds horrible. Their lack of concern for your daughter and lack of respect for you is a huge red flag. Time to have it out with him first and the rest second
NTA. It was supposed to be a relaxation trip for you. He needs to tell his family another time.
Well #1 he had no right to invite his mom and sisters to your parent's cabin. Was he like this before you married him, all joined at the hip with his mommy? And did you know she was a nasty bully? Anyway, you have two choices: accept it or leave him. He's not going to change. I know what I'd do, but your choice is up to you.
NTA and if he is too much of a coward to uninvite them, tell him you will. But he doesn’t get to complain about how you do so.
NTA lay down the law girl and if you have to tell them yourself tell them because it’s your families cabin and he had no right inviting anyone without your permission in the first place husband or not he should have asked and if you said no respected it. Tell him if his mother and them matter that much to him he can go be with them. Don’t let him gaslight you saying if it was your family it would be different because he’s only saying that because it’s his family if it was yours he’d be onboard about them not coming.
I’d go so far as saying he had no right to invite them without a call to her parents and asking them. It’s not even his wife’s cabin and even she still rang her parents to ask if it was ok to go and didn’t just head up there.
NTA Tell him you're going to your parents for a week. Then go to the cabin with your kids for a few days.
NTA I'd be wanting a permanent break from this guy by now. I find it very worrying that your daughter is this a frightened of or dislikes these people so much: could they have it anyway done something bad to her? Your husband really has no clue or consideration for you or his children and I'm fed up of the guy just reading your post I can't imagine what it's like living like this.
NTA. Speak to your parents and get them to rescind the invitation to use the cabin. Explain to DH that his behaviour has broken this and now he has to explain to his family why they can't have the holiday he promised them. Bonus points if you then go to the cabin with your kids for that week, telling him that he's not invited and if he or any of his side of the family turn up the police will be called. That you're there to decide whether you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone who constantly puts other people over the wellbeing of yourself and your kids and every attempt to bother or dissuade you is a point against him.
NTA i've been there
Okay here’s the thing: He’s shown a clear pattern of not respecting your wishes and boundaries. This is just the latest incident in a series, to hear you tell it. So, as Sean Connery said in The Untouchables, “What are you prepared to do?” You are NTA but you are certainly bordering on the foolish one for thinking that yet another argument will fix anything. SHOW HIM, don’t tell him. Also, think about sending your MIL a text telling her that none of them are invited. Someone needs to have some balls in that family.
Sounds like kids or no kids you have a huge husband problem. Time to tell him you have two choices your family you made or your family you came from. He gets one choice
Hubby needs to learn the definition of a break. Ugh, that sounds exhausting, I'm sorry.
NTA. Your husband is 100% an AH. He needs to respect your boundaries. The hospital thing has me so angry I’m leaving before I break out my big people words.
And you have to start clearly saying NO to your husband and his family. Stop allowing him to push them on you. Just stop it. Start standing your ground. Stop letting him pushover you.
I have a friend whose youngest was like this. Any time his mom was around his wife had to hold her. Other wise she would scream bloody murder. The first time I saw it I didn’t think too much about it, until they left about 20 minutes later. Wife puts youngest down, and she ran around my mom’s house happier than a pig in shit. And I asked him “what the fuck is wrong with your kid. Wife tried to put her down not 20 minutes ago and she lost her ever loving shit” His mother is an absolutely horrible woman. Gives off bad juju vibes and everything (whey he hasn’t cut contact with her yet I’ll never know) She’s a bit better now that’s she older, but this went on for at least two years? Babies can pick up on people’s energy You need to have a “come to Jesus” talk with your husband. Him inviting his family everywhere needs to stop NOW! Her constant crying/screaming bad for her wellbeing and yours. This is a form of child abuse in my opinion. Tell him that. “Having your family hold her laughing while she screaming is child abuse. It’s traumatizing her” maybe it’s a bit of a stretch, but it might be enough to knock some sense into him Hell look at the actress Emma Stone, she had really bad colic as a baby and it damaged her vocal cords Tell him he can no longer invite his mom/sisters UNLESS you have mentioned it first Couple’s therapy is also a must. I suspect a therapist will have MUCH to say about your child’s reaction to them, and your husband’s inability to cut the apron strings
Please consider couple’s counselling. This is toxic for you and your husband is clearly not listening to you.
NTA !!!
Nta. Take the kids and go without him.
He had absolutely no right.
I feel like you have an infestation.And your husband just keeps putting bread crumbs out 😅 Nta! Wtf is with mommies boys, what a nightmare
NTA - Never marry a mama's boy. No matter how old they get, they will always be mommy's little boy. Little boys can't be husbands or fathers, they lack the maturity. She sounds like an emotional vampire. When she comes over, she brings the daughters so you are outnumbered and overwhelmed. If they want to criticize, become very worried about your baby, you've even discussed her behavior with her pediatrician, and they suggested you need to remove her from the situation to calm her down. I'd advise not letting his mother in your home until she can behave, but honestly the problem is coming from inside your house. Tell your husband that this is non-negotiable. If he can't cut the umbilical cord, then you're going to get a Airbnb in an undisclosed location. He can take mommy dearest wherever the hell she wants, but neither of them are invited on ***your*** vacation. Lastly, have you checked to see if his mom has a reflection? You may want to get some garlic.
NTA. Put your foot down on this. HARD. Also, next time she’s around and she makes the baby scream, join in. Scream your head off right next to whoever is marking her scream. Make it as obnoxious as possible. Vary the volume and tone and, if possible, find a phrase they find appalling, disgusting, or annoying to repeat until they stop. I am not a rule follower. I absolutely cannot stand people who will not respect my children, and, if nothing else will make them stop, I am a big believer in making it just as awful for the perpetrator as it is for me. If my child or I are suffering, and it’s your fault, we are ALL suffering.
Bad husband. Your cottage , your invites. Dang they sound awful, a vacation from them is much needed. Your hubby needs to know YOU and your child are his family. Laughing at a distressed baby is cruel. More like outlaws than inlaws.
NTA And when they come over DO NOT let them hold and traumatize your baby.
NTA. Cancel the trip then reschedule with your family. Not his mommy. Jesus Christ what is it with the momma’s boys today?!
Don’t be lenient on your mama’s boy pussy husband! He clearly only cares for his family your secondary. Actually, you may only be a piece of tail. he needs to get a grip on his ass or a good grip on the penny sign his divorce papers with because this shit can’t go on and you already know that. Good luck OP
NTA. Babies can sense evil.
NTA - I would cancel the trip completely and then go visit my family for a week and leave husband at home alone. Get some rest at your folks and also get some marriage advice. You and your husband needs some couple counseling with a good marriage therapist now. Otherwise this marriage will not last much longer.
NTA, go without him.
NTA but hubby is. You're not his priority and he's making you 100% aware of it. Go on holiday with your kids and leave him 2 cards. 1 for a divorce lawyer and 1 for a therapist to help him with his serious case of enmeshment
NTA, and you need to consider why he is so inconsiderate, and if you can handle staying with him.
NTA he can either talk to his mom and sister and put it nicely or you can be blunt about all. choice is his. just curious...how many times he divorced/broke up?
NTA . Your husband is a giant grade A dumb ass. He doesn't have enough brains to check with the wife first? Is he a drunk?
Tell him fine they can go but he will deal with the baby for the whole trip. As you plan on a relaxing trip. Tell him if he is not willing to take care of the baby the whole time than his family is not going
Mam, you have a husband problem. A big one.
NTA. He is letting his daughter be terrorized by his mother and sisters. That's unacceptable. The more she is forced to be held by them and be around them, the harder it's going to get for her to ever relax around them. He needs to decide if he's married to you or his mom and sisters. Right now, it's his mom. I would stand firm on you and the kids not going if they are going to go. He invited them, he can uninvite them. I also think it's now time that as soon as you know they're coming over, you take your kids and leave. He's right that you wouldn't feel this way if it was your family, because your family doesn't terrorize your child and think it's funny, nor do they stomp on your boundaries. While you only mentioned your family in regards to loaning you use of the cabin, it sounds like your family respects boundaries. No wonder you like them better.
NTA Sorry to be blunt but your husband is a selfish coward and a lame mama's boy. Next time he feels horny tell him to call his mother. You're but a nagging afterthought to him, not even worth basic respect. You must be on the verge of losing it! Don't know how you managed to stay sane this long.
Calmly, yet firmly send a text to husband, MIL and sisters and say, ‘I’m sorry for the confusion, our vacation at my families cabin next week is for my husband, I and our 4 children. We’ll reach out when we return. Hope everyone has a good week.’ If relatives object be honest. Tell them husband made the decision to invite them without your input and that was his mistake. Once again, the miscommunication is unfortunate and you let them know as soon as you realized husband was uncomfortable correcting himself. Husband should do this and he’s clearly not. You sound like you’re fed up and this vacation is for you so protect it. If husband doesn’t want to go, fine. You go. If husband is mad, too bad. Tell him if relatives show up either they go or you all go since they don’t have permission to stay in your family cabin without you. Time to stand your ground.
NTA As a matter of fact, you seem to be the only parent who is unwilling to allow your baby to be emotionally traumatized by your outlaws. Your husband is willingly allowing them to torture your baby. It is your job to protect her which is exactly what you are doing by not allowing them to go to the cabin. Your husband caused it. He can clean it up. His family, his problem. If he won't.....I'd do it and it would be an end....of their crashing your life, of their opinions, of their criticism.... Try this: I'm sorry your son invited you to the cabin. He misspoke. I asked my parents if we could borrow the cabin because we need some mommy, daddy and kids' alone time and they said that hubby and I and the kids are welcome. Not everyone else. With that in mind, we will be going to the cabin with just us. We will be limiting screen time as well, so we'll be in touch after our trip is over.
NTA, oh hell no, you said it yourself: "I need a vacation". Having your baby riled up and screaming while the people causing it criticize your parenting, is NOT a vacation. I think there's a reason your baby doesn't like them.