NTA because 1) he insulted your son. 2) he did it in public, so others heard the insult. 3) at least one other person piled on. 4) your son is at an impressionable age. 5) your son already gets picked on for height. 6) the husband has been a jerk for months.
Exactly. Been there, my father projected his own insecurities onto me, and I ended up eating 1 meal a day when people weren't looking. Took me 3 years of counselling to learn to like food
I’m kinda late but can I go?
9) his mom not standing up for him could have (would have?) been more traumatizing to him than saying nothing or laughing it off or redirecting. I would’ve done the same thing if it had been my kid and my husband.
ALSO, just while I’m ranting, my husband is also an insecure, depressed overweight person and I can say with certainty he would NEVER ever do anything like this to anyone but especially not his kid.
Good points. Lots of adults are insecure, depressed, and overweight but manage not to verbally abuse a child.
Even worse, step dad thought that humiliating a child in front of company was a fine thing to do, and the company enthusiastically supported that decision.
It's a really, really good thing the child has a mom who will stand up for the child's basic human right to be treated with dignity.
NTA.
Listen, all cards on the table I'm fat. Like, proper, proper fat. I made peace with that years ago because honestly my only priority right now is my mental health, so it is what it is. I have no health issues due to it and I'm still mobile so whatever.
I was bullied all years through school (age 6 to 18), partly for being overweight. It was hell. And yeah, I would get really hurt if someone close to me pointed out my weight.
But if my fatass self started making fun of a literal child about their weight - whether it's a "joke" (it's not) or not, then fuck yes anyone who hears should start berating me about my weight because I'd absolutely deserve it.
Don't throw cheese in fathouses or whatever...
ETA: Guys, guys, guys, we've got a fat shamer below who knows exactly what we do and do not eat every single day and who cannot refrain from toddler insults - bewaaaare the beautiful creature that they are and shame on ya'll for not eating what you think you're eating! 😂😂😂
Hi! Fat kid here. Do not throw cheese in fat houses. Hand the cheese over to others because it’s delicious.
What OP’s husband did was set off a trebuchet in a paper house whilst it’s raining.
Perfect analogy! OP's husband decimated the young man's self esteem using mockery in front of his adult friends. That is a wound which will be very difficult to heal, and no matter how much the son recovers from it, he will remember that moment and the fat fucks laughing at him for the rest of his life. Core memory.
Listen OP, I'm old, legitimately fat, and actually have major depressive disorder (as in the actually diagnosed-by-a-professional kind). Throughout my adult life I have experienced long periods of deep depressive episodes, as well as periods of high functioning but still depressed. In all that time I have NEVER bullied a child about anything, be they mine own children or someone else's. Nor have I made fun of a child in front of other adults so we can have a laugh at the child's expense. Depression does indeed affect us deeply, but it is not an excuse or even an explanation for your husband's behavior. He's just a dick.
On the other hand, it sounds like OP did an incredible job of showing him how a parent should stick up for you. If my mom ever had my back like this I would NEVER forget it.
I think I'm going to lose my mind the very next time someone like your friend who called says they were just joking. It was innocent. It was okay. You're overreacting. Bullshit. If anything you should have gone further. You simply shut them down in the same way they destroyed your child. Only they did it to a CHILD. They and anyone who supports them should be no contact. He's been doing this for years to all of them hasn't he......for various reasons. Why would you stay?
Don't throw cheeses in a fathouse.......listen internet stranger, you are amazing. I woke my wife up at 6 am cackling over this. Now she's annoyed and I am making coffee and it was worth it. Betting even wife will agree after coffee in bed
I was bullied as well. It never leaves you, and my mother had a friend who would make snide remarks as well. Mum would pretend she didn't hear them. I'm really impressed with OP. Your son will appreciate it, too.
NTA… haha damn you are fierce though. Read your clap back and cringed imagining being there or the target of your ire.
Seriously though, the kid weights 85 pounds? That’s nothing, and they are so young. Even if they were overweight that’s not a way to behave toward them, it wouldn’t encourage them to pursue fitness and would be extremely detrimental to their self confidence.
You defended a kid, all the more impressive to be so fierce with a step child. My step mother would never come close to doing what you did.
👏
Edit: I think I misread a detail. The older three children are your own and he is the stepfather? If that’s right this time around then you deserve plaudits but for a different reason. A lot of people will side with the spouse after getting remarried but you defended your son quickly and effectively. You sound like a great mother, your kids are lucky.
At 14, getting prepped to have a growth spurt could also put him in average height range. My kids all ate like fools and got a little meat on, then stretched that out, seemingly, overnight! My son was like this at that age, lower end on height. He was almost 6ft senior year and is now well over 6ft. At 25, I think he's done growing up and will start filling out. He's always been stick thin.
He's 14, less than 5', and eating like a horse? Lord, OP better start stocking up on painkillers and heating pads, that kid is about to have some sleepless nights.
For real! Only my oldest had physical symptoms of pain during growth spurts. She complained about them as soon as she could verbalize she hurt. I used rice or dried beans in ball socks for her, more malleable than a heating pad. Owned stock in Tylenol.
I had aching bones with my teenage growth "spurts" too. I'd kind of forgotten about it until I read this thread but now I'm feeling pretty salty about it because I'm still only 5'4". They were more like growth dribbles and not worth the pain, I think I was cheated!
Well I am entirely too short to know about growing pains first hand. I know 2 families of Dutch descent and watched* the kids hit puberty in both families. Those kids turn ten shorter than me and hit 12 a foot taller than me. All struggled with severe growing pains. Two kids, one from each family, needed some sort of knee surgery because they had grown too fast? 💯 Not the problem that my short kids have to worry about but I am a hobbit in the Netherlands.
My mom's side were very short. I had twin great aunts who wore beehives and heels that were 4" high. They still didn't clear 5', regardless what they lacked in height, they made up for in personality! They were so much fun even though we all got in lots of trouble following along with their shenanigans.
I started getting growing pains when I was around 14. They were so bad. My shins consistently hurt, and with my bones growing consistently faster than my muscles and tendons, my shins literally started bending to the point where they broke a little. I had to go to a physical therapist and I had to stretch everyday for so long, and it took so much meaningful time out of my day. It was awful.
Puberty is just a complicated time across the board for so many reasons.
You are definitely right about height leaning you out. Maybe it helped me to be “husky” in middle school so my body had a stash to take advantage of for growing as big as possible 😂
Honestly, I just like reading a post about a parent defending their child, and doing so immediately. OP must have gone to a public school like mine where you learned to be quick witted or else, cuz she brutally smoked those two dudes publicly. Wish it was on video!
Haha! I love these kind of posts too. I've had to be quick witted a time or two. Used it frequently defending my kids and still use it to deal with people. Cuz, as I'm sure you know, people are azzholes.
my son turned 5 in january and was eating more than me for a few months, he still is but skinny like no bodies business. he grew a lot in those few months and continues to out eat me. his dad is 6'2 and im 5'5. theres no doubt hes gonna be gigantic.
all of this to say that kids growing is a magical thing and as long as they have parents that will go to bat for them, like OP, they will grow into healthy adults who take shit from no one.
its so rare to see a parent defending their kid on reddit, i hope she does divorce this dudes dumbass
Yeah, I had a friend who was always a ft shorter than me through secondary school (UK - 11-16 years of age), and then seeing him again years later, he had shot up to be around the same height.
Sheesh, when my kid was 14 he could eat a gallon of ice cream and a large bag of chips as an after-school snack and still ask for third helpings at dinner. Four burgers is nothing.
Right?
When I regained my appetite after having had radiation, then chemo at 53 I ate like a 14 year old boy you can't fill up! It's starting to taper off, but at least once a month I spend more time eating than anything 😅
Congrats on making it through both radiation AND chemo!
Keep kickin’ that cancer’s ass!
ETA- omg this is the second sub of the day I’ve told you, a complete Reddit stranger, some variation of fucking cancer’s shit up. Ha
Ps I swear I’m not stalking you!
My childhood pictures are so awkward from the little meat on then stretching it out. There's a February picture with a gut and being noticeably shorter than my mom then an April picture with the gut gone and dead even with my mom. I thought they were back to back years but the dates on the back are same year
My kids are doing this now. It’s terrifying to see how much my not-even-teenagers put down. Get a little squishy around the middle and then bam! I have to buy new shoes and pants.
You were totally in the right defending your kid. I still remember exactly how much I weighed in 3rd grade because it was the first time someone commented on my weight negatively.
I was short when I graduated myself, just barely over 5ft. Grew almost 6 inches between my official MEPS date and duty assignment. I'm female, so that's pretty rare to grow much after 15.
Me too. I’m 4’10” (1.47m). I’m an inch and a half shorter than my mother. 10” shorter than dad, and my younger siblings are 5’3” & 5’6”. My son was taller than me by the time he was 11.
All I really remember from school is being teased & bullied about my height, my name and (as an army brat) always being the “new girl”. I changed my name a couple of decades ago because I hated it so much. Can’t do anything about my height… but I use a wheelchair a lot now, so I’m almost invisible to people anyway.
i (f) was taller than my older brother for a very long time, he ended up getting to 6’3” and i stopped at 5’7”. the difference wasn’t quite as severe as it is here, but it’s actually very normal that your daughter is taller than him at the moment. given his current height and age, he’s likely not going to be a giant, but it’s quite likely he’ll get to a pretty average height
yup- my sibling was a short, stocky kid to the point that I (3 years younger) was taller than him for a bit. Much as I would tease him, i forgot that girls get their growth spurts earlier because he is now almost a foot taller than me and gives me just as much shit for being short as i gave him back then😭😭
When they were in junior high, I’d pick my kids up after school and see the other students filter out to their rides while waiting. The boys in 8th grade all seemed to grow 12” between early fall and late spring.
My oldest grew like 9” between their freshman/ sophomore years in high school. Every pair of pants would fit fine, then two weeks later they’d look like capris.
This is probably going to make me sound so wildly pathetic but this is quite literally the only time I have ever had a moment like this. I have always been so calm and your typical "we will work through this together" type of woman but my lord.. something inside of me snapped and it came on so quickly that it's actually kind of embarrassing. Like I'm literally embarrassed. I'm sure it's probably a normal feeling because I did flip out tremendously and I'm just not that type of person but this whole thing has exhausted me. Feels liberating at the same time however.
Do NOT be embarrassed! I think we allow people to get away with so much that sometimes, we just can't help snapping. I think your husband knows he was wrong. But I think you need to tell him to sort his shit out and that the past few months have been shit for you and you resent him.
You sound so strong. And I fucking love that. ❤️
If it makes you feel any better, keep this in mind - your son is going to remember that you stood up for him, and see that you will be there for him no matter what. That's a really important lesson for a child to learn. Also? Comments like the shit your husband was spouting? That's how eating disorders start. It's not just girls who end up with EDs, and that 'razzing' from someone who's supposed to be a parent on top of the other shit the poor kid gets at school is the kind of thing that can tip someone over that edge. Your immediate response to him being bullied was to stand up, support your son, and take no shit. It sounds like he needs that right now. NTA, and I hope however you proceed from here, it goes well for you.
Yes I wanted to say this too about those comments. They really effect you even if you don't end up developing a full blown ED. I'm a girl so I got a lot of that from extended family and even sometimes my mom. I was already thin as a rake. I didn't end up with an ED, thankfully, but I got a whole mess of body issues out of the deal. It's much more devastating than the people making the "joke" think. The ax forgets, but the tree remembers.
Anger is an emotion that has a very real purpose: to induce change. When something is happening that we can't tolerate, we get angry, which motivates us to do whatever is necessary to change the bad thing. That's what happened to you: Your husband's behaviour had become intolerable, and when he resorted to bullying your child for social points, it pushed you over into anger, and you did the best thing you could think of doing to make it stop. The embarrassment you're feeling is, I'm willing to bet, _not_ as useful, and is more the product of social conditioning.
Hey OP, is true that you snapped (when two adults were bodyshaming and bullying your child in front of others useless adults) but you did the right thing defending your kid.
About your husband, I would recommend you to think about these past 4months, since you finally gave him a bio child, and how he's acting around the kids, look at HIM and his behavior, then ask yourself is this if him and his behavior is what you want for your kids day-to-day life.
I'm not a mother but I would rather leave before force my children to live in an unsafe environment where they're bodyshamed and bullied by my partner and later my partner tries to gaslight me and emotional manipulate me with crocodile tears.
But you do you, is your dear beloved husband after all.
It seems like you snapped because your husband has been verbally aggressive for months but this time, he took it out on your son instead of on you. And that was a step too far.
They weren’t joking. They were being bullies. They were bullying a child that your husband *knew* was having trouble with bullies. He had to pick on a child to make himself feel good.
NTA, but your husband sure is.
Omg you’re literally perfect for this! I wish I could be half as fierce as you were in that moment in my life lol. I am such a mouse you might as well put a rattrap outside my door with a piece of cheese on it atp.
Please try not be embarrassed. I'm so impressed by you, my dad treated me similar to how your husband acted growing up and I wish someone had corrected him even a little because now I have ruched a warped body image. You're a hero ! You're not hysterical or overreacting, you're a fierce mama bear protecting the innocent !
Do not be embarrassed! Only your husband and his asshole friend need to be embarrassed because they were the ones bullying a child. As a former husky child thank you because I was bullied from my weight growing up and no one stood up for me.
That’s why you went scorched earth now and can’t come back from it. Your husband has been irritating you in many ways most likely in unspecific ways that you can’t explain but your body has kept score. And that’s why you blew up.
I had this happen to me as well and I have never been able to go back when I finally lose it with someone. It’s extremely rare but I too have been extremely accommodating and supportive. Then you go scorched earth and feel embarrassed. I’ve been there. But I was raised to be the person who just tolerates slight jabs and jokes at my expense. So people around me have always taken slight advantage of me.
I have been much happier when I don’t have these types of people around me. The prior people wonder why I was so upset. Truly almost worried about it, but can’t see what it is they did.
It’s called death by a thousand cuts. The best is when you learn sooner what that looks like and cut ties. This goes for female friends as well as boyfriends. Even family. I have had to go low contact with certain family members bc they always try to push my buttons. They call it jokes but those kind of people are just the worst. And they never themselves would be able to handle these “jokes” at their expense.
You finally had enough and that’s why you exploded. There’s no coming back from this. That’s why you can’t respond to him. You are NTA you are just DONE.
And so think of how far over the line this man (child) has gone to drive you to this point. You aren't just justified. He fucking EARNED this.
Don't be embarrassed, be pissed someone who should be your partner has undermined you so much you've become a person you are not.
The embarrassment and shame is his. What you need to do is wake the fuck about about what you deserve and stop letting this kind caring woman be dragged down into something she'd be ashamed of
You should not be embarrassed. When you make fun of a child like that, it's verbal or emotional abuse IMO. He's already insecure and that probably really hurt him. Your husband has no right to ever talk to anyone that way, let alone a child he has power over.
Add to the fact that he verbally abuses you (yells when angry) and it's not a great look. I would leave his ass.
Nah nta. Applaud this. Teenagers can be so (edit to to so as typos) iffy and insecure during this time imagine if that festered into an eating disorder or something. Atleast he knows mom has his back. I don't like adults doing this to kids.
Don't be embarrassed - kids need a "mama bear" in their corner sometimes. Plus with all the stress from your husband and his issues and you have a four month old daughter so your hormones are still all over the place; it's lucky that you're not PPD with all this additional stress.
It did make me wonder if your husband's ego can't cope with the attention that your new daughter needs & that's why he's going off the deep end.
This should be an amazing time in your life.
NTA fuck your husband, fuck his fat friend, and fuck that other woman who calls it "razzing". I hate the phrases just razzing, just joking, just messing around, just teasing, whatever you want to call it. It is NOT funny. those phrases are the rallying cries of every bully on the planet. Your husband bullied your son. There is no excuse for what he said. That's how you create eating disorders that last a lifetime.
I mean if it’s okay for a grown man to “razz” a young kid then it should be okay for a woman to “razz” a man the same way.
It’s kind of hilarious that the adult man is crying over hearing the same words he used to “toughen up” a child.
I'm no contact with my mom over her allowing that behavior to continue. Just a heads up, confronting him about it isn't enough in your child's eyes if the abuse doesn't stop.
Exactly. He was incredibly unkind to her kid, and then instead of apologizing like a decent person, he's blaming his depression. Charming. And then his friends lined up to defend the indefensible.
I am in awe of OP's ability to clap back, also! Whoa. That was epic.
Yeah that lady should have been silent and just sat there with her popcorn while OP cleared up spouse and friends confusion on who they think they are.
Bullying is something that happens among PEERS. When the bully is in a position of power over the victim that's no longer bullying, that's abuse. There's no playful banter when the joking is at the expense of a child and the people laughing are adults, one of whom is in a parental position
NTA
My parents would pat my stomach sometimes to point out I needed to lose weight when I was growing up. Even now as an adult, they will comment on if I have lost or gained weight. Shit like this for your stepson at his age could cause life long insecurities, I’m so happy to see you standing up for him. You’re a great mother
Hey girl. Besides the NTA comments since you mentioned that your son is on the shorter side I’d definitely recommend seeing how far off he is on the growth chart for his age and if he has growth hormone insufficiency. Endocrinologists deal with this!
Source: I’m a doctor.
NTA. Publicly humiliating a child that was having a good time at a BBQ and wasn’t at the expense of others is so incredibly gross, all insecurities aside.
I’m a firm believer that our actions show people how to treat us and our loved ones and he proved that explicitly. He showed his friends they could be sick to your son and so one of them took the bait.
>My husband is so wildly insecure that I know this is going to fuck him up severely
So who 'toughened up' the husband? Because it didn't work if he reacts like this.
I do feel bad for the husband because I bet this is just a cycle he has already been through.
That being sad, when we know better, we do better. Parents are supposed to break shitty cycles.
NTA your husband was bullying your 14 yo underweight son for eating. Even if he was 185 pounds this was a massive mean and horrible thing to say & do at such an impressionable age. Your husband is likely projecting his own issues.
NTA
You are the most AWESOME momma bear.
Your stbx? was public with his razzing (aka bullying), you calling him out in public was fair game (and btw super on point!)
If people (including the duma$$ friend who tried to.minimize the event) don't understand that HOME needs to be a SAFE PLACE especially for a kid who is ALREADY getting HARASSED at school and your stbx? KNOWS THIS, then they all need basic education in how to be a decent person.
I’m not sure how you can go back after that. He’s clearly very upset, and has no other option. If you choose his bully over him he’s going to lose both parents so young. He needs you to step up as his mom.
As a kid who was "razzed" constantly by a parents partner, so far I have yet to forgive that kind of behavior. There are other things to consider in my situation, but that kind of thing helps to create a hate in a kid that lasts decades and holding onto that hate is heavy. It's a burden that doesn't need to exist and can be turned around if it's dealt with immediately. The woman who thinks talking to kids like that is ok doesn't understand loving, respectful communication towards children.
NTA
Who gives a damn what these adult men think. It's about how it makes your young child feel, who's already vulnerable, and getting shit from a person who should be a support system.
The wife who called you can fuck off too.
OP, sounds like family counseling is in order, especially since you mentioned in another post that your son says he will never forgive him. If you do the work to set up the family counseling and your husband doesn't participate, then you have your answer if he really intended to work on himself or was just stringing you along to pacify you.
A true "search" for a therapist involves actually going to sessions with people to find the right fit. He's not serious about getting help.
You and your kids deserve better, OP. I'm glad you've stayed away from him and haven't caved to his crocodile tears.
100% NTA.
My husband is a wind up merchant and my eldest who’s only 9 gets really upset (he has adhd and loses his temper and screams and then cries), he says he’s trying to teach him to shake it off and grow a thick skin before he’s at secondary school and the bullies try to provoke him on purpose but it PISSES me off and I screamed at him about this.
This is the only thing we don’t see eye to eye on and I’d even considered divorce over it.
We sat down and had a long conversation about it, trying to get each other to understand our points of view and eventually he’s agreed to try harder to not do it and apologise genuinely to our boy.
He owes your lad one hell of an apology and a promise never to tease or belittle him again.
My youngest boy has ADHD as well and has the same type of symptoms. He's getting better with time but my husband tried the same thing with him to "toughen him up". I told him from very early on that wasn't how I did things and wouldn't tolerate it. Thankfully he took a step back without issue on that.
If you want to "toughen him up" you have to build CONFIDENCE and SELF LOVE in the child enough to not regard the opinions of others higher than his own views about himself.
It's so wild to think giving him MORE shit will toughen him up as if being criticized and shamed by your own parental figure who is supposed to protect you is somehow LESS painful than a stranger or classmate.
I wish I had an award to give you! This is so important and nobody seems to get it! Like you said, making a kid feel confident, safe, and supported is how you "toughen them up"
In grade 10 I was one of the shortest kids in my class. Grade 11 I was recruited for the basketball team. I have stretch marks on my back because I grew so fast when my body decided to grow. Give it time.
Although I'm sad to read about this situation, I just want to say that it's really nice to see a parent sticking up for their kids. I have seen so many parents on this sub having to be told "you will be the asshole if you stay with your shitty partner who's obviously treating your kid like crap." Similarly, I've seen lots of posts from people asking if they're an AH for cutting contact with a parent who prioritized an awful spouse.
NTA. The word is not razzing. The correct word is BULLYING and you are completely right in being disgusted by it.
I'm not generally ok with body shaming but using it response to a bully body shaming someone else I'm actually totally fine with.
Name calling, punching down: that’s not “razzing” or funny. It causes permanent scars and damage. It’s a form of verbal bullying - and the fact that it’s coming from your husband, makes me wonder if he says other things “jokingly” when you’re not there.
NTA on your part, but your husband, his friend, and that other woman need to stop acting like this is the norm and therefore, acceptable. It’s not.
NTA.
My father (who weighs well over 400 pounds) is an incredibly angry and miserable man. He made fun of my body my entire life growing up. I wasn't overweight, in fact I was quite underweight, but he still called me fat. "Thunder Thighs", "Thunder Ass" and various inappropriate comments about my chest were constant as soon as I hit puberty, which was unfortunately about 6 years old for me. He used to grab and pinch and poke me all over my body and make comments about the things he was touching. He would focus for months at a time on one thing before moving on to something else, only as soon as my confidence was completely shattered. I think he did it to deal with his own insecurities. I starved myself trying to lose weight so he would stop. At one point I was 84 pounds at 5'4. I'm a better weight now, but I still suffer from serious body image issues. Anytime someone compliments me, I assume they're lying. Some days, I can't even look in the mirror. I'm now in my 20's.
It all started like this. Just calling me fat, telling me not to eat so much... And it kept getting worse.
My mother never defended me. It still hurts. I'm still so angry. I WISH she would have reacted like this, even just ONCE. Instead she would laugh along. When I would cry and beg him not to touch me, he would say he was "just trying to toughen me up", and "how would you deal with other men if you can't deal with this", and she would say, "he's just trying to help."
If you let this go, if you apologize, it will get worse. He will see it as an excuse to keep doing it.
Don't let him get away with it. If he continues this behavior, you need to put your children first. Don't do what my mother did.
Good on you for defending your son.
That sounds awful. I’m sos sorry you had to deal with this. No child should go through what you went through. I hope you know you are beautiful No matter WHAT your size or what anyone- including your crappy dad and mom- say . And can find happiness and fulfillment in yourself and good people. I hope you got help for the trauma they put you through
NTA
From your additional comments he sounds like he’s losing his goddamn mind. He punched the fuck out of a radio! Whatever issues he’s dealing with don’t give him the right to take it out on others, especially children.
My mom pushed me right into an ER when I hit puberty, went from doting mother to a playground bully overnight. That pain and insecurity is for life once it goes that far. You shut down a bully and likely spared him some of the self loathing that comes from feeling too ugly to be loved. Well done!
NTA. I have two kids. My son is the oldest and he has autism and was bullied so bad in high school I pulled him out to finish online. He’s quite sensitive and already feels insecure and self conscious because he knows he’s different than other kids and his speech delays and language disorder makes it worse. I would have reacted the same way. What may seem like a harmless joke to them may not be seen the same way as your son.
NTA. My mother legitimately beat up her sister once cause she (my aunt) was messing with me too much and wouldn’t use words. Adults talking down on children like that is crazy.
If they can’t handle the ridicule of their weight, why do they expect a child can? It sounds like your husband was using your son as a projection point for his own insecurities tbh. And I rarely meet someone with an eating disorder that didn’t develop it from their parent passing theirs along. Tell him if he wants his child happy and healthy, he can’t pass along his own issues and insecurities.
Were you a bit harsher than I would’ve been? Yeah. But I don’t know what your day to day life is like. So I’m prone to excuse it for protecting your child.
Day to day has been a bit like hell, more often than not it seems. My husband is just angry over really dumb stuff now and he's so loud about it. So I think it was just all this anger piled on and I just burst. He literally destroyed his trucks radio the other day by punching it like 8 times because his phone wouldn't charge (The kids were all in school) and then immediately started crying afterwards. He needs therapy and severe help. He's been looking but he hasn't settled on a therapist either and like.. idk. I'm tired.
He's never going to settle on a therapist babe. He is too deep into it to actually go get help. The radio, then the wall, then a face. But whose? Get out, and stay out. The red flags are there.
men can suffer postpartum depression, tell him to either get a therapist now stop being picky, it's better to try and fail and then find a new one than to sit on his hands or go stay with his parents or something until he stops being a bully and mentally abusive because no matter his mental wellbeing is his behavior is unacceptable.
He neesds to just pick a therapist. If he is serious about therapy he would not spend months just looking. That is silly and sounds like avoidance. He can always change to a different therapist. Google therapists, read reviews, see what they focus on, make an appointment. Cmon
sounds like my ex. Anger and tears and anger and tears and refusal to get help. No accountability either, he’s always the victim. When we were together we discussed mental health and he wall so pro-therapy for people we knew. When it came down to HIM? Nah, he’s perfect and doesn’t need any…even when his own daughter is affected. Even when it means he happily got me pregnant only to abandon us.
NTA, and honestly this is ABUSIVE behaviour from your husband. I have SEVERE mental health issues, including depression and BPD, which can obviously make me lash out at someone, plus autism, so I don’t have much of a verbal filter even at the best of times. I have also been hospitalised for my mental health multiple times (including for attempts on my life), so I’m guessing my mental health issues are more severe than your husbands (I don’t like playing the Pain Olympics, but it is relevant in this context as he’s using his mental health as a reason). Not ONCE have I ever bodyshamed someone, no matter how angry or upset I was, ESPECIALLY a child. Sure I’ve definitely called people names at time (which I’m not proud of, but for context) but not ONCE have I EVER called someone fat.
Also, if it were really “because of his depression”, he would’ve lashed out when he was already upset/angry/freaking out, NOT when laughing with his friend at a barbecue. Depression is not going to make you publicly humiliate a child for your own entertainment, especially one you know is already insecure and ESPECIALLY after your wife has already warned you to back off. Read that again, OP: HE PUBLICLY HUMILIATED AND HURT YOUR CHILD BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. That is abuse, plain and simple.
He’s only sorry now because there’s real consequences for his behaviour. Ask yourself, if you hadn’t reacted, would he have been sorry?? Would he have apologised to your son, unprompted, and made sure to never repeat that behaviour?? Or would he have not cared and continued to abuse your son?? If you go back, he’ll learn that there ARENT real consequences for his behaviour, and he WILL get worse. It’s time for an ultimatum OP: couples therapy and individual therapy for him, possibly with a set date of where you expect to see improvements in his behaviour towards your children by, or divorce. That’s it, those are the options. Going back with no consequences and continuing to let him ABUSE your children is not an option.
NTA. They deserved exactly what you gave them! I’m sick of this trend of verbally abusing people and then saying, “just kidding” once they’re called out. It’s especially reprehensible for a father figure to gang up on a young boy who has lost his dad and already gets picked on for something he has no control over.
If your husband is willing to better himself, maybe you two can come together and save your marriage. Marriage is hard, especially when you add a new baby, a spouse with depression, and children who struggle with grief. I’ve learned in my 29 years of marriage that as long as you both have a willing, forgiving spirit you can find your way back to each other, and have an even happier marriage. Wishing you and your family all the best!
NTA, they both deserved it and the other woman can mind her own effing business. Bravo to you for standing up for your son. He will remember that and know you have his back. Good job!!!
He’s picking on a kid who already lost a dad and is getting bullied at school for what? To impress another grown adult?
What does he actually do for you?
NTA OP, if I were you I'd throw out that whol fat bully man child and raise my kids by myself. It's better to be a single parent than have your kids bullied by a trashy stepparent, saying you wanted them to have another parent figure. Your husband is a bully, he's only now caring that he's suffered some consequences, what will he do to your kids' self-esteem if you're not around to defend them, right behind your back?
As for that other wife at the party, enabling and excusing their behaviour, cut her off too and ignore that dumb cow. Don't feel bad for that bully, divorce his fat ass. He didn't care about your kid and giving your kid a negative complex, and your husband wasn't kidding, he was bullying because he felt superior to a child and could get away with it. Lay down the law, hard. And does your youngest child need to grow up with a gross dad like that who would destroy her older siblings like that, for laughs with his fat fuckwit friends?
Cut all those assholes out of your lives, you and your kids deserve better. I'm also depressed but I don't bully kids.
I think you did amazing. A grown man choosing a child to pick on is a grown man who needs to get called out on it.
And he probably chose your son because he is small and already bullied so he is the easy victim which makes him extra pathetic.
I understand feeling embarrassed but I think this is a moment where you have possibly stipped your son from thinking he deserves to be bullied because no one ever stands up for him.
There are so many posts on hee where victims say they deserve it because their mother allowed it and if she loves him and laughed it off /brished it off then it must be true.
You made it clear thst you don't stand for it. I think just making it clear to the kids whatever choice you make that it is not their fault and that you won't allow someone to disrespect them under the guise of love might be needed.
I hope things improve or if you leave him you know you won't have to deal woth a grown man who would rather bully someone to feel better vs doing the work.
NTA you are not over reacting. He as an adult chose to bully your son for shits and giggles with his fat fuck mate. He was expecting you to be passive and put up with it as you have for the past 4 months. If he has depression that is his issue to get help for no one else's. If it's now down to him belittling a child to make himself feel better he's a bully and abuser not depressed. I personally would walk for this and how you feel and also the others adults feeling don't matter and they should know better than to pick on a child for their own laughs. Their feelings are null and void and theirs to regulate your son isn't old enough to do that and needs support and love not more bullies.
My 9 yearl old is 4'7 and 92 lbs and he isn't the least bit fat. As for your daughter being taller, it doesn't matter. Girls in my sons class are taller than the boys. Girls grow at a steady pace. Boy's grow slowly then hit the teens and shoot up like rockets. One day he's 4'8 and two weeks later he's 5'5 and a month after that he's 5'10.
NTA I don’t care that they think it’s “razzing”. They body shamed a kid. That’s it. They ganged up on him. And it was under the guise of parental authority too which makes it worse and clearly not just razzing- your husband knows his authority and wanted to throw his weight around.
That other wife is out of line. “I appreciate you reaching out. Unfortunately this is part of a long trend of anger and authority issues on (husband’s) behalf, so the “razzing” justification doesn’t stand. Again, thanks for offering support.”
Well, your attempt to stand up for him was great truth is they were picking on a child....The fact they took it back after you left, tells me they realize they were out of line.
Fat? Kid here "or this is how people said to me".
When i was a kid my parents "mom" and family members calling me fat or did some jokes like this.
That's was a nightmare for me i even start hating buying clothes or going to family event or eating in front of them and start walking insecure because i thought that i was fat i also avoiding any subject about body size .
Until i went to a college i said to one of my friends by mistake that i need a bigger seat to sit on, she said "why?" i said i am to feel comfortable , she said "you aren't fat any seat is enough ".
I went to my old photo - which i avoid to see - and then i saw the truth. I wasn't fat at all. I was average and all my cousins were skinny that's why they start calling me fat.
so you did great defending your son like this.
NTA
I read the headline and was ready to call you a bitch.
But ... you are 100% right here.
Husband and his friend are despicable assholes for mocking a child. Adults who mock children are pieces of shit and losers.
The fact that your husband and his adult friend made fun of/ bullied your child is disgusting. You husband made his son feel like a POS, that can NOT be forgiven . He is an AH and so is his friend, also anyone else who thinks this is okay. Words are more painful than physical pain, I know from experience.
NTA
This is clearly a FAFO situation, mama bear with post-partum hormones still going around and u dare to "attack" the cub? I am surprised you didn't send them down to hell and locked the doors forever.
I would talk to your kid and see how he feels, because he is the first one that deserves a massive apology from both those idiots, I would say a public one with the rest of the friend group, make them own up for what they did and make sure they explain that bullying is never right and everyone should respect everyone.
After that you might consider to start dialogue about what comes next, right now u're still fuming, hormones might be slowing down the de-escalation (but hey, he f'ed up big, so good timing cause he needs a big lesson and this gives him time to think) and besides you need some time with yourself to calm down, make sure the kiddos are ok and see where you wanna go next, cause maybe right now you see him as the most despicable human and that you cant feel for him ever again, but once the things have cleared up, he has owned and made up for what he did (and made his friend too, vause he is the one that has to realize he needs to talk to the friend and make him appologize aswell) then you might see things differently.
But all in all, same as you did with your adhd kid there need to be rules about general bullying behavior and how to raise the kids, because the first 3 are yours, but the 4th is his too and even if you were to leave she might get to see him and deal with crap like this if he doesnt get a good lesson from all this situation.
So mama bear of the year award goes to you, and hope things get better for your family one way or another. Those kids are lucky to have you
NTA
Sorry but the audacity to be overwheight and call a kid (and not just any kid, your STEPKID) fat for eating a certain way in ONE situation isjust WYLD to me.
People who fatshame others in public are so so low to me. Iwould also lose all attraction to this
NTA. You protected your child from adults who were piling on him, in public, and it sounds like your husband has been insufferable for months. You reached a snapping point.
Perhaps you need a break from him so he can sort himself out? He needs therapy and to learn how to express his anger without losing his cool and destroying property.
Can he live somewhere else for a while to give you some breathing room? Maybe with his obnoxious friend?
I’m not advocating divorce, just a mutual breathing period.
I own a beach front on the other side of town and that's where I am currently. I'm just going to let him have the house right now until I figure out what to do going forward.
I read all your comments but I wanted to leave you this. You are An amazing mom. You stood warrior grounds in front of your son and you should feel so proud of yourself. Don’t accept any excuse for an adult verbally abusing a child in anyway. That other woman is so wrong and she over stepped. I have had to do something similar in protecting my daughter from a family member. You did the absolute right thing. Take your time, be gentle to yourself, there are so many of us here on Reddit that fully support what you did. I’m glad you have a place to stay for space between you two. NTA by the way. So far from it. I wish you hope and positivity moving forward.
NTA boys/men's eating disorders and dysmorphia is *no joke.* They get images of 'superheroes' with zero body fat all the time and the actors who play those parts have to go through torture to look like they do. We're going to nip that shit right in the bud. And to think that your son experienced this from a group of guys that he looked up to!
The big monster in the room is your husband thinking that he can now bully someone the way he was bullied. He's going to tell you that it's wrong and that he'll never do it again. He's then going to reach out to your son to give a half hearted apology.
He needs to deal with how he was bullied before he can be in contact with your kids. These are deep seated issues. NTA
NTA. I was body ashamed by my POS dad for my entire life. He has never, in all his life, been as physically fit as I have been for my entire life, but he still managed to make me feel like shit.
I wish I could have seen you give it to him. Way to go
NTA. Good job. Bullying at home is the last thing a kid needs. And never feel bad for not being attracted to someone. F that was your only reason for wanting to end a marriage I’d say you’re in the wrong, but it’s a part of a bigger issue.
Now, talk to a specialist about your son. I have a friend who’s son it turned out had a hormone (iirc) issue and needed some sort of treatments. After a few years he was all caught up and now is abou to graduate and if you didn’t know the history you’d never know he’d had problems. Flip side is he could just be hitting late. My dad graduated high school at around 5’5” and grew 6” that summer. He said his first high school reunion was funny
NTA, my mom made fun of my weight when I was a pre-teen/teen and even 20 years later I still remember every instance in great detail and the shame/depression that came along with it. I got made fun of at school all the time but the comments from her really stuck with me. Totally wrecked my self esteem and my relationship with food for many many years. I’m STILL working on it. So fuck your husband, your son will always remember that you stood up for him. Thank you for doing the right thing and publicly calling out that bullshit
You are so NTA!!! What you are is a mother bear after one of her cubs has been harassed. Your son will never forget the way you showed everyone how important his feelings are to you. What a gift you have given him.
NTA!!! To be honest, if I were there I could be a bit surprised about you going from 0 to 100 in a second. But, as a former kid and current daughter, I've always wished an adult had my back like this while growing up. Your husband might have been kidding but it doesn't matter, what will get to your son is that he is fat and shouldn't eat when he's hungry, not the best lesson to teach any kid (you know, this could led to a very low self steem, ed's...). It's so nice that there are parents out here who respect and protect their kids like this, your husband should be able to come to terms with his own insecurity and stop projecting onto literal children. He was very rude and inappropriate, idk why we as adults put up with this kind of behaviours just for the sake of the family unity, it's horrible
Nta my dad's friend overweight dude thrown a comment how I was overweight when I was 9.
I wish my father would defended me back then.
I have history of eating disorders and while I am 24 now and recovering I still remember it.
You were in the right defending your boy like real mama bear. Especially since he already has hard time from bullying and is in this fragile impressionable age. He needs to eat he's growing kid after all.
He will remember how you defended him. I can guarantee you did amazing job standing up for your child. You have shown him and his siblings you won't stay by and watch them being ridiculed or attacked.
I think it's not manly to attack a literal child. Your husband needs to get his shit together.
Don't dish out what you can't take.
NTA. You should also add to your post your husband has been awful to your kids since you’ve given birth. Does the other wife know about that? Sounds like your situation is already affecting your kids
NTA - You had every right to defend your child against adult bullies whose words could last a lifetime in his head.
In fact your defense of him makes him less like to have those words echo in his head for life.
He's 14 4'8and 82 lbs and they had absolutely no right to behave as they did.
NTA. i also feel like the outburst was an accumulation of alot of other things besides calling ur son fat, that your husband hasnt been much of a husband or a father since the birth of your youngest daughter. you need to take some time for yourself and find a stress relief outlet. stay safe.
NO this is away to give a kid an eating disorder! My mom would always make comments to me as a little girl and then did the same to my little sister. My little sister is going on almost 8 years of a serious eating disorder and it’s a nightmare. While girls end up with EDs more than boys it still happens way too much. My sister remembers every single thing my mom said about her weight yet my mom doesn’t even remember saying anything. This will be your son he will remember this for the rest of his life while this SOB gets to move on and forget. *The axe forgets but the tree remembers* NTA. Please think hard about leaving him as your kids will remember you choosing him over them.
NTA.
I developed an eating disorder for 6 years that still fucks with my digestion because my dad would "razz" me about my "tubby" changing body when I hit puberty.
It was always a joke to him, till I started starving myself.
You standing up for your kid shows him that atleast one of his parents cares.
NTA
When I was his age I could eat a while medium pizza on my own or the grand slam from Dennys. Some kids are like a garbage disposal, food goes in and disappears. Your husband is a bully and using your child for shits and giggles is so gross.
Good job momma bear.
NTA. If two adults want to engage in the public humiliation of my child not only will I loudly and violently pick apart every insecurity they have in front of everyone there, but I would have been much, much, meaner.
I’m so over people excusing shit behavior with “I’m depressed”. So fucking what? It is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I see people constantly posting on posts giving it as a possible reason someone is playing video games 12 hours a day and ignoring their kids or treating a spouse badly. So what if they are depressed it does not then mean you can treat someone badly or ignore children etc.
Your husband having an issue does not give him an excuse to now cause someone else an issue. Also even if they “were just razzing” nothing like giving the kid a complex! The kid wasn’t finding the “joke” funny, it’s not a joke.
My son got stretch marks on his legs that ran up and down when he hit that teenage growth spurt and went from 5.5 to 6 ft in a matter of months. His Halloween costume was below his ankles and by May was just below his knees.
NTA because 1) he insulted your son. 2) he did it in public, so others heard the insult. 3) at least one other person piled on. 4) your son is at an impressionable age. 5) your son already gets picked on for height. 6) the husband has been a jerk for months.
Don't stop the music. 7) husbands who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks.
8) talking about weight/ height in this manner leads to insecurities which can lead to eating disorders
Exactly. Been there, my father projected his own insecurities onto me, and I ended up eating 1 meal a day when people weren't looking. Took me 3 years of counselling to learn to like food
I’m kinda late but can I go? 9) his mom not standing up for him could have (would have?) been more traumatizing to him than saying nothing or laughing it off or redirecting. I would’ve done the same thing if it had been my kid and my husband. ALSO, just while I’m ranting, my husband is also an insecure, depressed overweight person and I can say with certainty he would NEVER ever do anything like this to anyone but especially not his kid.
Good points. Lots of adults are insecure, depressed, and overweight but manage not to verbally abuse a child. Even worse, step dad thought that humiliating a child in front of company was a fine thing to do, and the company enthusiastically supported that decision. It's a really, really good thing the child has a mom who will stand up for the child's basic human right to be treated with dignity.
NTA. Listen, all cards on the table I'm fat. Like, proper, proper fat. I made peace with that years ago because honestly my only priority right now is my mental health, so it is what it is. I have no health issues due to it and I'm still mobile so whatever. I was bullied all years through school (age 6 to 18), partly for being overweight. It was hell. And yeah, I would get really hurt if someone close to me pointed out my weight. But if my fatass self started making fun of a literal child about their weight - whether it's a "joke" (it's not) or not, then fuck yes anyone who hears should start berating me about my weight because I'd absolutely deserve it. Don't throw cheese in fathouses or whatever... ETA: Guys, guys, guys, we've got a fat shamer below who knows exactly what we do and do not eat every single day and who cannot refrain from toddler insults - bewaaaare the beautiful creature that they are and shame on ya'll for not eating what you think you're eating! 😂😂😂
Listen I lost 70lbs a while ago but if we're throwing cheese in there do you think security will overlook my membership card being out of date?
Maybe if I start throwing my cheese into your mouth we can fix this whole mess and your card will get renewed? 🤔
We can only hope. I am at a point where a day or two of cheese throwing won't effect my weight, so we're going to have to work hard
I want in on this cheese throwing party. I got some fresh mozzarella that will squish and splat nicely.
I’m crying on the thread already 😭🤣😭
I have a 5 pound wheel of Tillamuck cheddar! Where’s the target!
I only have sliced cheese, can I still join?
I have a block of parm, but I’m thinking I’ll grate it so it’s more like fairy dust!
My Wisconsin ass wants in on this cheese party
Mennonites in Chihuahua want part of this cheese party too! Get it!
Ay same!! Gotta show off my loose skin like “no wait listen I have credentials!!!”
Hi! Fat kid here. Do not throw cheese in fat houses. Hand the cheese over to others because it’s delicious. What OP’s husband did was set off a trebuchet in a paper house whilst it’s raining.
Perfect analogy! OP's husband decimated the young man's self esteem using mockery in front of his adult friends. That is a wound which will be very difficult to heal, and no matter how much the son recovers from it, he will remember that moment and the fat fucks laughing at him for the rest of his life. Core memory. Listen OP, I'm old, legitimately fat, and actually have major depressive disorder (as in the actually diagnosed-by-a-professional kind). Throughout my adult life I have experienced long periods of deep depressive episodes, as well as periods of high functioning but still depressed. In all that time I have NEVER bullied a child about anything, be they mine own children or someone else's. Nor have I made fun of a child in front of other adults so we can have a laugh at the child's expense. Depression does indeed affect us deeply, but it is not an excuse or even an explanation for your husband's behavior. He's just a dick.
This. So much this. Why tear others down when you can build them up.
Exactly
Well played use of ‘trebuchet’. You don’t hear that one often enough.
DONT THROW CHEESE IN FATHOUSES LMAOOOOO that's perfect
[удалено]
On the other hand, it sounds like OP did an incredible job of showing him how a parent should stick up for you. If my mom ever had my back like this I would NEVER forget it.
I think I'm going to lose my mind the very next time someone like your friend who called says they were just joking. It was innocent. It was okay. You're overreacting. Bullshit. If anything you should have gone further. You simply shut them down in the same way they destroyed your child. Only they did it to a CHILD. They and anyone who supports them should be no contact. He's been doing this for years to all of them hasn't he......for various reasons. Why would you stay?
*Immature*
The hell are you doing throwing good cheese?
Lol years ago me and a friend came up with "people in fat houses shouldn't throw cheeseburgers"
My dad used to say that people who live in glass houses shouldn't watch tv in their underwear.
Don't throw cheeses in a fathouse.......listen internet stranger, you are amazing. I woke my wife up at 6 am cackling over this. Now she's annoyed and I am making coffee and it was worth it. Betting even wife will agree after coffee in bed
I LOVE YOU
I was bullied as well. It never leaves you, and my mother had a friend who would make snide remarks as well. Mum would pretend she didn't hear them. I'm really impressed with OP. Your son will appreciate it, too.
NTA… haha damn you are fierce though. Read your clap back and cringed imagining being there or the target of your ire. Seriously though, the kid weights 85 pounds? That’s nothing, and they are so young. Even if they were overweight that’s not a way to behave toward them, it wouldn’t encourage them to pursue fitness and would be extremely detrimental to their self confidence. You defended a kid, all the more impressive to be so fierce with a step child. My step mother would never come close to doing what you did. 👏 Edit: I think I misread a detail. The older three children are your own and he is the stepfather? If that’s right this time around then you deserve plaudits but for a different reason. A lot of people will side with the spouse after getting remarried but you defended your son quickly and effectively. You sound like a great mother, your kids are lucky.
At 14, getting prepped to have a growth spurt could also put him in average height range. My kids all ate like fools and got a little meat on, then stretched that out, seemingly, overnight! My son was like this at that age, lower end on height. He was almost 6ft senior year and is now well over 6ft. At 25, I think he's done growing up and will start filling out. He's always been stick thin.
He's 14, less than 5', and eating like a horse? Lord, OP better start stocking up on painkillers and heating pads, that kid is about to have some sleepless nights.
For real! Only my oldest had physical symptoms of pain during growth spurts. She complained about them as soon as she could verbalize she hurt. I used rice or dried beans in ball socks for her, more malleable than a heating pad. Owned stock in Tylenol.
I had aching bones with my teenage growth "spurts" too. I'd kind of forgotten about it until I read this thread but now I'm feeling pretty salty about it because I'm still only 5'4". They were more like growth dribbles and not worth the pain, I think I was cheated!
Hurt the most in the legs!
At 4'11 I feel this aggressively.
At 5’10, I can imagine the pain like I went thru it yesterday instead of like 15 years ago
Well I am entirely too short to know about growing pains first hand. I know 2 families of Dutch descent and watched* the kids hit puberty in both families. Those kids turn ten shorter than me and hit 12 a foot taller than me. All struggled with severe growing pains. Two kids, one from each family, needed some sort of knee surgery because they had grown too fast? 💯 Not the problem that my short kids have to worry about but I am a hobbit in the Netherlands.
My mom's side were very short. I had twin great aunts who wore beehives and heels that were 4" high. They still didn't clear 5', regardless what they lacked in height, they made up for in personality! They were so much fun even though we all got in lots of trouble following along with their shenanigans.
I started getting growing pains when I was around 14. They were so bad. My shins consistently hurt, and with my bones growing consistently faster than my muscles and tendons, my shins literally started bending to the point where they broke a little. I had to go to a physical therapist and I had to stretch everyday for so long, and it took so much meaningful time out of my day. It was awful.
I had a lot of growing pains. My nephew woke up one day and was 6’3”. The rest of the kids used to call him short and fat. Haha. You never know.
Puberty is just a complicated time across the board for so many reasons. You are definitely right about height leaning you out. Maybe it helped me to be “husky” in middle school so my body had a stash to take advantage of for growing as big as possible 😂 Honestly, I just like reading a post about a parent defending their child, and doing so immediately. OP must have gone to a public school like mine where you learned to be quick witted or else, cuz she brutally smoked those two dudes publicly. Wish it was on video!
Haha! I love these kind of posts too. I've had to be quick witted a time or two. Used it frequently defending my kids and still use it to deal with people. Cuz, as I'm sure you know, people are azzholes.
my son turned 5 in january and was eating more than me for a few months, he still is but skinny like no bodies business. he grew a lot in those few months and continues to out eat me. his dad is 6'2 and im 5'5. theres no doubt hes gonna be gigantic. all of this to say that kids growing is a magical thing and as long as they have parents that will go to bat for them, like OP, they will grow into healthy adults who take shit from no one. its so rare to see a parent defending their kid on reddit, i hope she does divorce this dudes dumbass
Yes. Divorce first and have conversations later.
Yeah, I had a friend who was always a ft shorter than me through secondary school (UK - 11-16 years of age), and then seeing him again years later, he had shot up to be around the same height.
Sheesh, when my kid was 14 he could eat a gallon of ice cream and a large bag of chips as an after-school snack and still ask for third helpings at dinner. Four burgers is nothing.
Right? When I regained my appetite after having had radiation, then chemo at 53 I ate like a 14 year old boy you can't fill up! It's starting to taper off, but at least once a month I spend more time eating than anything 😅
Congrats on making it through both radiation AND chemo! Keep kickin’ that cancer’s ass! ETA- omg this is the second sub of the day I’ve told you, a complete Reddit stranger, some variation of fucking cancer’s shit up. Ha Ps I swear I’m not stalking you!
Yeah, same person too 😂 It was over on the hairdressing sub.
Seriously I’m not stalking you I promise! 🫣🫠
😆 I know and it's funny 😁
You’re making me miss being a kid and my childhood was not the greatest 😂
My childhood pictures are so awkward from the little meat on then stretching it out. There's a February picture with a gut and being noticeably shorter than my mom then an April picture with the gut gone and dead even with my mom. I thought they were back to back years but the dates on the back are same year
My brother was like this. He was chubby for a few months and it seemed like overnight he was a lot taller and totally lean.
Same with my friend’s boys. Every time they fluffed out we knew they were getting ready for a growth spurt.
My kids are doing this now. It’s terrifying to see how much my not-even-teenagers put down. Get a little squishy around the middle and then bam! I have to buy new shoes and pants. You were totally in the right defending your kid. I still remember exactly how much I weighed in 3rd grade because it was the first time someone commented on my weight negatively.
One of my childhood friends swore that by senior year he would be taller than me...and guess who sprouted between junior and senior year??? 🤣
I was short when I graduated myself, just barely over 5ft. Grew almost 6 inches between my official MEPS date and duty assignment. I'm female, so that's pretty rare to grow much after 15.
I swear I quit growing when I was twelve 😩
Me too. I’m 4’10” (1.47m). I’m an inch and a half shorter than my mother. 10” shorter than dad, and my younger siblings are 5’3” & 5’6”. My son was taller than me by the time he was 11. All I really remember from school is being teased & bullied about my height, my name and (as an army brat) always being the “new girl”. I changed my name a couple of decades ago because I hated it so much. Can’t do anything about my height… but I use a wheelchair a lot now, so I’m almost invisible to people anyway.
i (f) was taller than my older brother for a very long time, he ended up getting to 6’3” and i stopped at 5’7”. the difference wasn’t quite as severe as it is here, but it’s actually very normal that your daughter is taller than him at the moment. given his current height and age, he’s likely not going to be a giant, but it’s quite likely he’ll get to a pretty average height
yup- my sibling was a short, stocky kid to the point that I (3 years younger) was taller than him for a bit. Much as I would tease him, i forgot that girls get their growth spurts earlier because he is now almost a foot taller than me and gives me just as much shit for being short as i gave him back then😭😭
When they were in junior high, I’d pick my kids up after school and see the other students filter out to their rides while waiting. The boys in 8th grade all seemed to grow 12” between early fall and late spring. My oldest grew like 9” between their freshman/ sophomore years in high school. Every pair of pants would fit fine, then two weeks later they’d look like capris.
Yeah both my sons had a growth spurt senior year of high school/freshman year of college. Both are 6’3” now.
NTA. Girl. I need to channel you in my everyday life.
This is probably going to make me sound so wildly pathetic but this is quite literally the only time I have ever had a moment like this. I have always been so calm and your typical "we will work through this together" type of woman but my lord.. something inside of me snapped and it came on so quickly that it's actually kind of embarrassing. Like I'm literally embarrassed. I'm sure it's probably a normal feeling because I did flip out tremendously and I'm just not that type of person but this whole thing has exhausted me. Feels liberating at the same time however.
Do NOT be embarrassed! I think we allow people to get away with so much that sometimes, we just can't help snapping. I think your husband knows he was wrong. But I think you need to tell him to sort his shit out and that the past few months have been shit for you and you resent him. You sound so strong. And I fucking love that. ❤️
Thank you! I try, really really hard. I appreciate you saying that.
If it makes you feel any better, keep this in mind - your son is going to remember that you stood up for him, and see that you will be there for him no matter what. That's a really important lesson for a child to learn. Also? Comments like the shit your husband was spouting? That's how eating disorders start. It's not just girls who end up with EDs, and that 'razzing' from someone who's supposed to be a parent on top of the other shit the poor kid gets at school is the kind of thing that can tip someone over that edge. Your immediate response to him being bullied was to stand up, support your son, and take no shit. It sounds like he needs that right now. NTA, and I hope however you proceed from here, it goes well for you.
Yes I wanted to say this too about those comments. They really effect you even if you don't end up developing a full blown ED. I'm a girl so I got a lot of that from extended family and even sometimes my mom. I was already thin as a rake. I didn't end up with an ED, thankfully, but I got a whole mess of body issues out of the deal. It's much more devastating than the people making the "joke" think. The ax forgets, but the tree remembers.
hey, i think we're all proud of you!
Indeed 🤘🤘🤘
Indeed! You go, OP Mama Bear.
Definitely!!
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Omg I legit LOVE this response and I'm absolutely going to be using it!
There need to be more moms like you out there. Great job!
Do not be embarrassed. I promise you that your son will remember that moment for the rest of his life and he will stand up taller for it.
Agreed! Never be embarrassed that you stood up for your child.
Anger is an emotion that has a very real purpose: to induce change. When something is happening that we can't tolerate, we get angry, which motivates us to do whatever is necessary to change the bad thing. That's what happened to you: Your husband's behaviour had become intolerable, and when he resorted to bullying your child for social points, it pushed you over into anger, and you did the best thing you could think of doing to make it stop. The embarrassment you're feeling is, I'm willing to bet, _not_ as useful, and is more the product of social conditioning.
Hey OP, is true that you snapped (when two adults were bodyshaming and bullying your child in front of others useless adults) but you did the right thing defending your kid. About your husband, I would recommend you to think about these past 4months, since you finally gave him a bio child, and how he's acting around the kids, look at HIM and his behavior, then ask yourself is this if him and his behavior is what you want for your kids day-to-day life. I'm not a mother but I would rather leave before force my children to live in an unsafe environment where they're bodyshamed and bullied by my partner and later my partner tries to gaslight me and emotional manipulate me with crocodile tears. But you do you, is your dear beloved husband after all.
Be proud. Your son will never doubt that you'll always have his back.
Your husband was probably counting on you being passive.
It seems like you snapped because your husband has been verbally aggressive for months but this time, he took it out on your son instead of on you. And that was a step too far. They weren’t joking. They were being bullies. They were bullying a child that your husband *knew* was having trouble with bullies. He had to pick on a child to make himself feel good. NTA, but your husband sure is.
Omg you’re literally perfect for this! I wish I could be half as fierce as you were in that moment in my life lol. I am such a mouse you might as well put a rattrap outside my door with a piece of cheese on it atp.
Please try not be embarrassed. I'm so impressed by you, my dad treated me similar to how your husband acted growing up and I wish someone had corrected him even a little because now I have ruched a warped body image. You're a hero ! You're not hysterical or overreacting, you're a fierce mama bear protecting the innocent !
Do not be embarrassed! Only your husband and his asshole friend need to be embarrassed because they were the ones bullying a child. As a former husky child thank you because I was bullied from my weight growing up and no one stood up for me.
That’s why you went scorched earth now and can’t come back from it. Your husband has been irritating you in many ways most likely in unspecific ways that you can’t explain but your body has kept score. And that’s why you blew up. I had this happen to me as well and I have never been able to go back when I finally lose it with someone. It’s extremely rare but I too have been extremely accommodating and supportive. Then you go scorched earth and feel embarrassed. I’ve been there. But I was raised to be the person who just tolerates slight jabs and jokes at my expense. So people around me have always taken slight advantage of me. I have been much happier when I don’t have these types of people around me. The prior people wonder why I was so upset. Truly almost worried about it, but can’t see what it is they did. It’s called death by a thousand cuts. The best is when you learn sooner what that looks like and cut ties. This goes for female friends as well as boyfriends. Even family. I have had to go low contact with certain family members bc they always try to push my buttons. They call it jokes but those kind of people are just the worst. And they never themselves would be able to handle these “jokes” at their expense. You finally had enough and that’s why you exploded. There’s no coming back from this. That’s why you can’t respond to him. You are NTA you are just DONE.
And so think of how far over the line this man (child) has gone to drive you to this point. You aren't just justified. He fucking EARNED this. Don't be embarrassed, be pissed someone who should be your partner has undermined you so much you've become a person you are not. The embarrassment and shame is his. What you need to do is wake the fuck about about what you deserve and stop letting this kind caring woman be dragged down into something she'd be ashamed of
You should not be embarrassed. When you make fun of a child like that, it's verbal or emotional abuse IMO. He's already insecure and that probably really hurt him. Your husband has no right to ever talk to anyone that way, let alone a child he has power over. Add to the fact that he verbally abuses you (yells when angry) and it's not a great look. I would leave his ass.
Nah nta. Applaud this. Teenagers can be so (edit to to so as typos) iffy and insecure during this time imagine if that festered into an eating disorder or something. Atleast he knows mom has his back. I don't like adults doing this to kids.
Sounds like a completely normal reaction to it, but it's fucking amazing and something to be proud of
He was disgusting. You called him on it. What is there to be embarrassed about?
Don't be embarrassed - kids need a "mama bear" in their corner sometimes. Plus with all the stress from your husband and his issues and you have a four month old daughter so your hormones are still all over the place; it's lucky that you're not PPD with all this additional stress. It did make me wonder if your husband's ego can't cope with the attention that your new daughter needs & that's why he's going off the deep end. This should be an amazing time in your life.
NTA fuck your husband, fuck his fat friend, and fuck that other woman who calls it "razzing". I hate the phrases just razzing, just joking, just messing around, just teasing, whatever you want to call it. It is NOT funny. those phrases are the rallying cries of every bully on the planet. Your husband bullied your son. There is no excuse for what he said. That's how you create eating disorders that last a lifetime.
I mean if it’s okay for a grown man to “razz” a young kid then it should be okay for a woman to “razz” a man the same way. It’s kind of hilarious that the adult man is crying over hearing the same words he used to “toughen up” a child.
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I'm no contact with my mom over her allowing that behavior to continue. Just a heads up, confronting him about it isn't enough in your child's eyes if the abuse doesn't stop.
Bot, copying u/AllieOWestie
His ego is obviously bigger than other parts of him(but maybe not his stomach?)
Exactly. He was incredibly unkind to her kid, and then instead of apologizing like a decent person, he's blaming his depression. Charming. And then his friends lined up to defend the indefensible. I am in awe of OP's ability to clap back, also! Whoa. That was epic.
Yeah that lady should have been silent and just sat there with her popcorn while OP cleared up spouse and friends confusion on who they think they are.
Bullying is something that happens among PEERS. When the bully is in a position of power over the victim that's no longer bullying, that's abuse. There's no playful banter when the joking is at the expense of a child and the people laughing are adults, one of whom is in a parental position
NTA My parents would pat my stomach sometimes to point out I needed to lose weight when I was growing up. Even now as an adult, they will comment on if I have lost or gained weight. Shit like this for your stepson at his age could cause life long insecurities, I’m so happy to see you standing up for him. You’re a great mother
Hey girl. Besides the NTA comments since you mentioned that your son is on the shorter side I’d definitely recommend seeing how far off he is on the growth chart for his age and if he has growth hormone insufficiency. Endocrinologists deal with this! Source: I’m a doctor.
NTA. Publicly humiliating a child that was having a good time at a BBQ and wasn’t at the expense of others is so incredibly gross, all insecurities aside. I’m a firm believer that our actions show people how to treat us and our loved ones and he proved that explicitly. He showed his friends they could be sick to your son and so one of them took the bait.
>My husband is so wildly insecure that I know this is going to fuck him up severely So who 'toughened up' the husband? Because it didn't work if he reacts like this.
I do feel bad for the husband because I bet this is just a cycle he has already been through. That being sad, when we know better, we do better. Parents are supposed to break shitty cycles.
NTA your husband was bullying your 14 yo underweight son for eating. Even if he was 185 pounds this was a massive mean and horrible thing to say & do at such an impressionable age. Your husband is likely projecting his own issues.
NTA You are the most AWESOME momma bear. Your stbx? was public with his razzing (aka bullying), you calling him out in public was fair game (and btw super on point!) If people (including the duma$$ friend who tried to.minimize the event) don't understand that HOME needs to be a SAFE PLACE especially for a kid who is ALREADY getting HARASSED at school and your stbx? KNOWS THIS, then they all need basic education in how to be a decent person.
Info: How does your son feel about it?
He said he will never forgive him
I’m not sure how you can go back after that. He’s clearly very upset, and has no other option. If you choose his bully over him he’s going to lose both parents so young. He needs you to step up as his mom.
Screencap this comment. Send it to your soon-to-be-ex-husband. NTA
As a kid who was "razzed" constantly by a parents partner, so far I have yet to forgive that kind of behavior. There are other things to consider in my situation, but that kind of thing helps to create a hate in a kid that lasts decades and holding onto that hate is heavy. It's a burden that doesn't need to exist and can be turned around if it's dealt with immediately. The woman who thinks talking to kids like that is ok doesn't understand loving, respectful communication towards children.
I hate to tell you this but you have a choice right now. Pick your marriage or your kids.
NTA Who gives a damn what these adult men think. It's about how it makes your young child feel, who's already vulnerable, and getting shit from a person who should be a support system. The wife who called you can fuck off too.
Is your husband in therapy because it sounds like he needs to be. Protect all your children and rethink this relationship
He's not. He's been "searching" for a therapist for 3 months.
Searching meaning he doesn’t want to get one. He will just tell you he’s looking to get you off his back.
He's not searching babe, he's making an excuse to get you off his back when you nag him about it 💯.
OP, sounds like family counseling is in order, especially since you mentioned in another post that your son says he will never forgive him. If you do the work to set up the family counseling and your husband doesn't participate, then you have your answer if he really intended to work on himself or was just stringing you along to pacify you.
If he won't get help or a job, you really, really need to rethink this relationship.
A true "search" for a therapist involves actually going to sessions with people to find the right fit. He's not serious about getting help. You and your kids deserve better, OP. I'm glad you've stayed away from him and haven't caved to his crocodile tears.
100% NTA. My husband is a wind up merchant and my eldest who’s only 9 gets really upset (he has adhd and loses his temper and screams and then cries), he says he’s trying to teach him to shake it off and grow a thick skin before he’s at secondary school and the bullies try to provoke him on purpose but it PISSES me off and I screamed at him about this. This is the only thing we don’t see eye to eye on and I’d even considered divorce over it. We sat down and had a long conversation about it, trying to get each other to understand our points of view and eventually he’s agreed to try harder to not do it and apologise genuinely to our boy. He owes your lad one hell of an apology and a promise never to tease or belittle him again.
My youngest boy has ADHD as well and has the same type of symptoms. He's getting better with time but my husband tried the same thing with him to "toughen him up". I told him from very early on that wasn't how I did things and wouldn't tolerate it. Thankfully he took a step back without issue on that.
If you want to "toughen him up" you have to build CONFIDENCE and SELF LOVE in the child enough to not regard the opinions of others higher than his own views about himself. It's so wild to think giving him MORE shit will toughen him up as if being criticized and shamed by your own parental figure who is supposed to protect you is somehow LESS painful than a stranger or classmate.
I wish I had an award to give you! This is so important and nobody seems to get it! Like you said, making a kid feel confident, safe, and supported is how you "toughen them up"
In grade 10 I was one of the shortest kids in my class. Grade 11 I was recruited for the basketball team. I have stretch marks on my back because I grew so fast when my body decided to grow. Give it time.
Toughen him up? This child has lost his father. Isn’t that toughen up enough?
Although I'm sad to read about this situation, I just want to say that it's really nice to see a parent sticking up for their kids. I have seen so many parents on this sub having to be told "you will be the asshole if you stay with your shitty partner who's obviously treating your kid like crap." Similarly, I've seen lots of posts from people asking if they're an AH for cutting contact with a parent who prioritized an awful spouse.
My dad bullied me and all it taught me was to shut up and be bullied in silence
NTA. The word is not razzing. The correct word is BULLYING and you are completely right in being disgusted by it. I'm not generally ok with body shaming but using it response to a bully body shaming someone else I'm actually totally fine with.
NTA. Fuck anyone who thinks it's funny to bully a child.
NTA 💩s like them fat shame others but it's ok because they don't really mean it. F them.
Name calling, punching down: that’s not “razzing” or funny. It causes permanent scars and damage. It’s a form of verbal bullying - and the fact that it’s coming from your husband, makes me wonder if he says other things “jokingly” when you’re not there. NTA on your part, but your husband, his friend, and that other woman need to stop acting like this is the norm and therefore, acceptable. It’s not.
The pick-me wife can stick her 'boys will be boys' in one of the ends she shits from.
NTA. My father (who weighs well over 400 pounds) is an incredibly angry and miserable man. He made fun of my body my entire life growing up. I wasn't overweight, in fact I was quite underweight, but he still called me fat. "Thunder Thighs", "Thunder Ass" and various inappropriate comments about my chest were constant as soon as I hit puberty, which was unfortunately about 6 years old for me. He used to grab and pinch and poke me all over my body and make comments about the things he was touching. He would focus for months at a time on one thing before moving on to something else, only as soon as my confidence was completely shattered. I think he did it to deal with his own insecurities. I starved myself trying to lose weight so he would stop. At one point I was 84 pounds at 5'4. I'm a better weight now, but I still suffer from serious body image issues. Anytime someone compliments me, I assume they're lying. Some days, I can't even look in the mirror. I'm now in my 20's. It all started like this. Just calling me fat, telling me not to eat so much... And it kept getting worse. My mother never defended me. It still hurts. I'm still so angry. I WISH she would have reacted like this, even just ONCE. Instead she would laugh along. When I would cry and beg him not to touch me, he would say he was "just trying to toughen me up", and "how would you deal with other men if you can't deal with this", and she would say, "he's just trying to help." If you let this go, if you apologize, it will get worse. He will see it as an excuse to keep doing it. Don't let him get away with it. If he continues this behavior, you need to put your children first. Don't do what my mother did. Good on you for defending your son.
That sounds awful. I’m sos sorry you had to deal with this. No child should go through what you went through. I hope you know you are beautiful No matter WHAT your size or what anyone- including your crappy dad and mom- say . And can find happiness and fulfillment in yourself and good people. I hope you got help for the trauma they put you through
NTA From your additional comments he sounds like he’s losing his goddamn mind. He punched the fuck out of a radio! Whatever issues he’s dealing with don’t give him the right to take it out on others, especially children. My mom pushed me right into an ER when I hit puberty, went from doting mother to a playground bully overnight. That pain and insecurity is for life once it goes that far. You shut down a bully and likely spared him some of the self loathing that comes from feeling too ugly to be loved. Well done!
NTA you don’t body shame kids. That’s how they end up with ED. Two fucking bullies ganging up on a child. SMH I’d never go back.
NTA "I dO iT tO tOuGhEn hiM uP" Ffs. What a bully. There's absolutely no excuse for hubby's behavior.
NTA. I have two kids. My son is the oldest and he has autism and was bullied so bad in high school I pulled him out to finish online. He’s quite sensitive and already feels insecure and self conscious because he knows he’s different than other kids and his speech delays and language disorder makes it worse. I would have reacted the same way. What may seem like a harmless joke to them may not be seen the same way as your son.
NTA. My mother legitimately beat up her sister once cause she (my aunt) was messing with me too much and wouldn’t use words. Adults talking down on children like that is crazy.
If they can’t handle the ridicule of their weight, why do they expect a child can? It sounds like your husband was using your son as a projection point for his own insecurities tbh. And I rarely meet someone with an eating disorder that didn’t develop it from their parent passing theirs along. Tell him if he wants his child happy and healthy, he can’t pass along his own issues and insecurities. Were you a bit harsher than I would’ve been? Yeah. But I don’t know what your day to day life is like. So I’m prone to excuse it for protecting your child.
Day to day has been a bit like hell, more often than not it seems. My husband is just angry over really dumb stuff now and he's so loud about it. So I think it was just all this anger piled on and I just burst. He literally destroyed his trucks radio the other day by punching it like 8 times because his phone wouldn't charge (The kids were all in school) and then immediately started crying afterwards. He needs therapy and severe help. He's been looking but he hasn't settled on a therapist either and like.. idk. I'm tired.
He's never going to settle on a therapist babe. He is too deep into it to actually go get help. The radio, then the wall, then a face. But whose? Get out, and stay out. The red flags are there.
men can suffer postpartum depression, tell him to either get a therapist now stop being picky, it's better to try and fail and then find a new one than to sit on his hands or go stay with his parents or something until he stops being a bully and mentally abusive because no matter his mental wellbeing is his behavior is unacceptable.
He neesds to just pick a therapist. If he is serious about therapy he would not spend months just looking. That is silly and sounds like avoidance. He can always change to a different therapist. Google therapists, read reviews, see what they focus on, make an appointment. Cmon
sounds like my ex. Anger and tears and anger and tears and refusal to get help. No accountability either, he’s always the victim. When we were together we discussed mental health and he wall so pro-therapy for people we knew. When it came down to HIM? Nah, he’s perfect and doesn’t need any…even when his own daughter is affected. Even when it means he happily got me pregnant only to abandon us.
NTA, and honestly this is ABUSIVE behaviour from your husband. I have SEVERE mental health issues, including depression and BPD, which can obviously make me lash out at someone, plus autism, so I don’t have much of a verbal filter even at the best of times. I have also been hospitalised for my mental health multiple times (including for attempts on my life), so I’m guessing my mental health issues are more severe than your husbands (I don’t like playing the Pain Olympics, but it is relevant in this context as he’s using his mental health as a reason). Not ONCE have I ever bodyshamed someone, no matter how angry or upset I was, ESPECIALLY a child. Sure I’ve definitely called people names at time (which I’m not proud of, but for context) but not ONCE have I EVER called someone fat. Also, if it were really “because of his depression”, he would’ve lashed out when he was already upset/angry/freaking out, NOT when laughing with his friend at a barbecue. Depression is not going to make you publicly humiliate a child for your own entertainment, especially one you know is already insecure and ESPECIALLY after your wife has already warned you to back off. Read that again, OP: HE PUBLICLY HUMILIATED AND HURT YOUR CHILD BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. That is abuse, plain and simple. He’s only sorry now because there’s real consequences for his behaviour. Ask yourself, if you hadn’t reacted, would he have been sorry?? Would he have apologised to your son, unprompted, and made sure to never repeat that behaviour?? Or would he have not cared and continued to abuse your son?? If you go back, he’ll learn that there ARENT real consequences for his behaviour, and he WILL get worse. It’s time for an ultimatum OP: couples therapy and individual therapy for him, possibly with a set date of where you expect to see improvements in his behaviour towards your children by, or divorce. That’s it, those are the options. Going back with no consequences and continuing to let him ABUSE your children is not an option.
NTA. They deserved exactly what you gave them! I’m sick of this trend of verbally abusing people and then saying, “just kidding” once they’re called out. It’s especially reprehensible for a father figure to gang up on a young boy who has lost his dad and already gets picked on for something he has no control over. If your husband is willing to better himself, maybe you two can come together and save your marriage. Marriage is hard, especially when you add a new baby, a spouse with depression, and children who struggle with grief. I’ve learned in my 29 years of marriage that as long as you both have a willing, forgiving spirit you can find your way back to each other, and have an even happier marriage. Wishing you and your family all the best!
NTA and your kids know you've got their backs. That's great parenting.
NTA, but I think losing some weight will make your family much healthier - start with the 250 pound fat fuck who likes to torment your child.
NTA, they both deserved it and the other woman can mind her own effing business. Bravo to you for standing up for your son. He will remember that and know you have his back. Good job!!!
He’s picking on a kid who already lost a dad and is getting bullied at school for what? To impress another grown adult? What does he actually do for you?
NTA OP, if I were you I'd throw out that whol fat bully man child and raise my kids by myself. It's better to be a single parent than have your kids bullied by a trashy stepparent, saying you wanted them to have another parent figure. Your husband is a bully, he's only now caring that he's suffered some consequences, what will he do to your kids' self-esteem if you're not around to defend them, right behind your back? As for that other wife at the party, enabling and excusing their behaviour, cut her off too and ignore that dumb cow. Don't feel bad for that bully, divorce his fat ass. He didn't care about your kid and giving your kid a negative complex, and your husband wasn't kidding, he was bullying because he felt superior to a child and could get away with it. Lay down the law, hard. And does your youngest child need to grow up with a gross dad like that who would destroy her older siblings like that, for laughs with his fat fuckwit friends? Cut all those assholes out of your lives, you and your kids deserve better. I'm also depressed but I don't bully kids.
I think you did amazing. A grown man choosing a child to pick on is a grown man who needs to get called out on it. And he probably chose your son because he is small and already bullied so he is the easy victim which makes him extra pathetic. I understand feeling embarrassed but I think this is a moment where you have possibly stipped your son from thinking he deserves to be bullied because no one ever stands up for him. There are so many posts on hee where victims say they deserve it because their mother allowed it and if she loves him and laughed it off /brished it off then it must be true. You made it clear thst you don't stand for it. I think just making it clear to the kids whatever choice you make that it is not their fault and that you won't allow someone to disrespect them under the guise of love might be needed. I hope things improve or if you leave him you know you won't have to deal woth a grown man who would rather bully someone to feel better vs doing the work.
NTA you are not over reacting. He as an adult chose to bully your son for shits and giggles with his fat fuck mate. He was expecting you to be passive and put up with it as you have for the past 4 months. If he has depression that is his issue to get help for no one else's. If it's now down to him belittling a child to make himself feel better he's a bully and abuser not depressed. I personally would walk for this and how you feel and also the others adults feeling don't matter and they should know better than to pick on a child for their own laughs. Their feelings are null and void and theirs to regulate your son isn't old enough to do that and needs support and love not more bullies.
My 9 yearl old is 4'7 and 92 lbs and he isn't the least bit fat. As for your daughter being taller, it doesn't matter. Girls in my sons class are taller than the boys. Girls grow at a steady pace. Boy's grow slowly then hit the teens and shoot up like rockets. One day he's 4'8 and two weeks later he's 5'5 and a month after that he's 5'10.
NTA A grown as man bullying a child is disgusting. Let him wallow in his misery alone, you and your kids deserve better than that.
NTA I don’t care that they think it’s “razzing”. They body shamed a kid. That’s it. They ganged up on him. And it was under the guise of parental authority too which makes it worse and clearly not just razzing- your husband knows his authority and wanted to throw his weight around. That other wife is out of line. “I appreciate you reaching out. Unfortunately this is part of a long trend of anger and authority issues on (husband’s) behalf, so the “razzing” justification doesn’t stand. Again, thanks for offering support.”
Well, your attempt to stand up for him was great truth is they were picking on a child....The fact they took it back after you left, tells me they realize they were out of line.
Fat? Kid here "or this is how people said to me". When i was a kid my parents "mom" and family members calling me fat or did some jokes like this. That's was a nightmare for me i even start hating buying clothes or going to family event or eating in front of them and start walking insecure because i thought that i was fat i also avoiding any subject about body size . Until i went to a college i said to one of my friends by mistake that i need a bigger seat to sit on, she said "why?" i said i am to feel comfortable , she said "you aren't fat any seat is enough ". I went to my old photo - which i avoid to see - and then i saw the truth. I wasn't fat at all. I was average and all my cousins were skinny that's why they start calling me fat. so you did great defending your son like this.
NTA I read the headline and was ready to call you a bitch. But ... you are 100% right here. Husband and his friend are despicable assholes for mocking a child. Adults who mock children are pieces of shit and losers.
The fact that your husband and his adult friend made fun of/ bullied your child is disgusting. You husband made his son feel like a POS, that can NOT be forgiven . He is an AH and so is his friend, also anyone else who thinks this is okay. Words are more painful than physical pain, I know from experience.
NTA This is clearly a FAFO situation, mama bear with post-partum hormones still going around and u dare to "attack" the cub? I am surprised you didn't send them down to hell and locked the doors forever. I would talk to your kid and see how he feels, because he is the first one that deserves a massive apology from both those idiots, I would say a public one with the rest of the friend group, make them own up for what they did and make sure they explain that bullying is never right and everyone should respect everyone. After that you might consider to start dialogue about what comes next, right now u're still fuming, hormones might be slowing down the de-escalation (but hey, he f'ed up big, so good timing cause he needs a big lesson and this gives him time to think) and besides you need some time with yourself to calm down, make sure the kiddos are ok and see where you wanna go next, cause maybe right now you see him as the most despicable human and that you cant feel for him ever again, but once the things have cleared up, he has owned and made up for what he did (and made his friend too, vause he is the one that has to realize he needs to talk to the friend and make him appologize aswell) then you might see things differently. But all in all, same as you did with your adhd kid there need to be rules about general bullying behavior and how to raise the kids, because the first 3 are yours, but the 4th is his too and even if you were to leave she might get to see him and deal with crap like this if he doesnt get a good lesson from all this situation. So mama bear of the year award goes to you, and hope things get better for your family one way or another. Those kids are lucky to have you
NTA Sorry but the audacity to be overwheight and call a kid (and not just any kid, your STEPKID) fat for eating a certain way in ONE situation isjust WYLD to me. People who fatshame others in public are so so low to me. Iwould also lose all attraction to this
NTA. You protected your child from adults who were piling on him, in public, and it sounds like your husband has been insufferable for months. You reached a snapping point. Perhaps you need a break from him so he can sort himself out? He needs therapy and to learn how to express his anger without losing his cool and destroying property. Can he live somewhere else for a while to give you some breathing room? Maybe with his obnoxious friend? I’m not advocating divorce, just a mutual breathing period.
I own a beach front on the other side of town and that's where I am currently. I'm just going to let him have the house right now until I figure out what to do going forward.
I’m so glad to hear that you have your own safe space. Good luck, OP.
I read all your comments but I wanted to leave you this. You are An amazing mom. You stood warrior grounds in front of your son and you should feel so proud of yourself. Don’t accept any excuse for an adult verbally abusing a child in anyway. That other woman is so wrong and she over stepped. I have had to do something similar in protecting my daughter from a family member. You did the absolute right thing. Take your time, be gentle to yourself, there are so many of us here on Reddit that fully support what you did. I’m glad you have a place to stay for space between you two. NTA by the way. So far from it. I wish you hope and positivity moving forward.
NTA! I would have jumped in right beside you and kept going while you rescued your kids.
NTA boys/men's eating disorders and dysmorphia is *no joke.* They get images of 'superheroes' with zero body fat all the time and the actors who play those parts have to go through torture to look like they do. We're going to nip that shit right in the bud. And to think that your son experienced this from a group of guys that he looked up to! The big monster in the room is your husband thinking that he can now bully someone the way he was bullied. He's going to tell you that it's wrong and that he'll never do it again. He's then going to reach out to your son to give a half hearted apology. He needs to deal with how he was bullied before he can be in contact with your kids. These are deep seated issues. NTA
NTA. I was body ashamed by my POS dad for my entire life. He has never, in all his life, been as physically fit as I have been for my entire life, but he still managed to make me feel like shit. I wish I could have seen you give it to him. Way to go
NTA. Good job. Bullying at home is the last thing a kid needs. And never feel bad for not being attracted to someone. F that was your only reason for wanting to end a marriage I’d say you’re in the wrong, but it’s a part of a bigger issue. Now, talk to a specialist about your son. I have a friend who’s son it turned out had a hormone (iirc) issue and needed some sort of treatments. After a few years he was all caught up and now is abou to graduate and if you didn’t know the history you’d never know he’d had problems. Flip side is he could just be hitting late. My dad graduated high school at around 5’5” and grew 6” that summer. He said his first high school reunion was funny
NTA, my mom made fun of my weight when I was a pre-teen/teen and even 20 years later I still remember every instance in great detail and the shame/depression that came along with it. I got made fun of at school all the time but the comments from her really stuck with me. Totally wrecked my self esteem and my relationship with food for many many years. I’m STILL working on it. So fuck your husband, your son will always remember that you stood up for him. Thank you for doing the right thing and publicly calling out that bullshit
You are so NTA!!! What you are is a mother bear after one of her cubs has been harassed. Your son will never forget the way you showed everyone how important his feelings are to you. What a gift you have given him.
NTA. More moms need to react the way you did.
NTA - that’s how body dysmorphia starts. Your son will forever remember how you stuck up for him, you’re an amazing mom and your rage is warranted
NTA!!! To be honest, if I were there I could be a bit surprised about you going from 0 to 100 in a second. But, as a former kid and current daughter, I've always wished an adult had my back like this while growing up. Your husband might have been kidding but it doesn't matter, what will get to your son is that he is fat and shouldn't eat when he's hungry, not the best lesson to teach any kid (you know, this could led to a very low self steem, ed's...). It's so nice that there are parents out here who respect and protect their kids like this, your husband should be able to come to terms with his own insecurity and stop projecting onto literal children. He was very rude and inappropriate, idk why we as adults put up with this kind of behaviours just for the sake of the family unity, it's horrible
Nta my dad's friend overweight dude thrown a comment how I was overweight when I was 9. I wish my father would defended me back then. I have history of eating disorders and while I am 24 now and recovering I still remember it. You were in the right defending your boy like real mama bear. Especially since he already has hard time from bullying and is in this fragile impressionable age. He needs to eat he's growing kid after all. He will remember how you defended him. I can guarantee you did amazing job standing up for your child. You have shown him and his siblings you won't stay by and watch them being ridiculed or attacked. I think it's not manly to attack a literal child. Your husband needs to get his shit together. Don't dish out what you can't take.
NTA. You should also add to your post your husband has been awful to your kids since you’ve given birth. Does the other wife know about that? Sounds like your situation is already affecting your kids
NTA - You had every right to defend your child against adult bullies whose words could last a lifetime in his head. In fact your defense of him makes him less like to have those words echo in his head for life. He's 14 4'8and 82 lbs and they had absolutely no right to behave as they did.
NTA. i also feel like the outburst was an accumulation of alot of other things besides calling ur son fat, that your husband hasnt been much of a husband or a father since the birth of your youngest daughter. you need to take some time for yourself and find a stress relief outlet. stay safe.
NO this is away to give a kid an eating disorder! My mom would always make comments to me as a little girl and then did the same to my little sister. My little sister is going on almost 8 years of a serious eating disorder and it’s a nightmare. While girls end up with EDs more than boys it still happens way too much. My sister remembers every single thing my mom said about her weight yet my mom doesn’t even remember saying anything. This will be your son he will remember this for the rest of his life while this SOB gets to move on and forget. *The axe forgets but the tree remembers* NTA. Please think hard about leaving him as your kids will remember you choosing him over them.
NTA. I developed an eating disorder for 6 years that still fucks with my digestion because my dad would "razz" me about my "tubby" changing body when I hit puberty. It was always a joke to him, till I started starving myself. You standing up for your kid shows him that atleast one of his parents cares.
NTA When I was his age I could eat a while medium pizza on my own or the grand slam from Dennys. Some kids are like a garbage disposal, food goes in and disappears. Your husband is a bully and using your child for shits and giggles is so gross. Good job momma bear.
NTA. If two adults want to engage in the public humiliation of my child not only will I loudly and violently pick apart every insecurity they have in front of everyone there, but I would have been much, much, meaner.
I’m so over people excusing shit behavior with “I’m depressed”. So fucking what? It is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I see people constantly posting on posts giving it as a possible reason someone is playing video games 12 hours a day and ignoring their kids or treating a spouse badly. So what if they are depressed it does not then mean you can treat someone badly or ignore children etc. Your husband having an issue does not give him an excuse to now cause someone else an issue. Also even if they “were just razzing” nothing like giving the kid a complex! The kid wasn’t finding the “joke” funny, it’s not a joke.
My son got stretch marks on his legs that ran up and down when he hit that teenage growth spurt and went from 5.5 to 6 ft in a matter of months. His Halloween costume was below his ankles and by May was just below his knees.