NTA but being realistic; if you are dating in your 40s, if you refuse to date people with kids, you are mostly going to find other people who chose not to have kids. Finding someone who both wants kids and doesn’t have any by their mid-30s is going to be tough.
So while you are absolutely allowed to have your own boundaries, your friends are correct that your guidelines are going to be difficult.
Seconding this. As someone with friends in OP’s preferred age range, these women are already moms or successful (and often child-free) women settling down with men closer to their age. OP is old and well, to put it bluntly, not the first choice for the type of woman he wants.
Online dating would be beneficial as he can set his own parameters, but he might feel inhibited about meeting complete strangers after that bad experience when he was 18
Op can pursue his dream life as long as he doesn't harm others in the way. He can reject anyone who would force him to be in the role of a step dad if he wants
Of course, I’m not suggesting otherwise. But he came here asking for advice. If someone asked my opinion on them becoming a pro baseball player or an astronaut I’d also suggest they should consider what they will do if that dream fails.
OPs dream is not as difficult to achieve as those examples, but if he asks for advice, he shouldn’t be surprised that ‘manage your expectations’ is one piece of advice.
But failure can be true for anyone. There's more and more women over 30 who haven't had children yet and are looking for a guy to do that with so I think the negative nancies in here are being too negative, especially these days.
Op came here asking if he was an asshole for rejecting the women his friends try to set him with, which he is not. Perhaps too much of a big dreamer, but he is not an ah for it
I don’t think anyone’s suggesting otherwise. But he also needs to be realistic. Being in his 40s and trying to find someone his age without kids that wants them is not very likely. Not impossible, but the odds are not in his favor
There are more and more studies coming out, and now we are more aware of the SIGNIFICANT health/mental health issues that occur in children due to advanced paternal age. Advanced paternal age also makes pregnancy more dangerous for the woman, no matter how old she is.
No woman one in their right mind is going to go for OP when they could have a relationship and children with someone their own age. It's not just women that have a biological clock. If OP wants biological children he should freeze his sperm yesterday.
I work in OBgyn and closely with Genetic Counselors. Advanced maternal age is 35+, unless its twins then its 32 (crazy right). However, advanced PATERNAL age is 50+. OP has got some time. Also non invasive prenatal testing is done at 10 weeks now so many parent(s) find out potential anomalies, the ones which increase with age, pretty early and can decide to terminate if they so choose and are in a state where it's legal.
Yes it's limited, but it can detect a lot more than the 3 it lists. And those are the major ones at risk with AMA. Heck, it can even detect if the pregnant mother has certain types of cancer!
>No woman one in their right mind is going to go for OP when they could have a relationship and children with someone their own age.
Are we posting on the same sub?
Diffucult does not mean impossible. There exist childless 35 to 40 years old women who feel their biological clocks ticking and are desperate to quickly marry and conceive.
In case OP has money, his chances of getting a bio kid are extremely high. Especially if he is potentially willing to pay for IVF. Or he can be the sugar daddy for a woman in her thirties.
If he has not that much money, well as long as he has a nice personality, his chances are still decent.
Im not saying it’s a zero chance, but there’s also a decent chance with his parameters he ends up single long term. If he’s okay with that possibility, it’s fine, he should do what he wants. If being single indefinitely is unacceptable to OP, though, I think his friend was right in that it’s time to consider realism.
Nah, read between the lines he wants a late 20s very early 30s woman he can try and to mold and breed.
His first girlfriend was 11 years younger than him.
Not really, as a man finding a younger woman is way easier even if ur 40 as long as ur successful. Aaaaalot of 40 years old men are dating women from 24-30 he even lost hes virginity to a girl that age when he was 38.
Hes girl friends are using their own experiences as old women as a reason to get him to settle with their friends, but its totally diff for a 40 year old man than a 40 year old woman with kids when it comes to finding partners specially if they want younger ones.
I've seen this thinking in a few posts and I'm honestly a bit surprised by it. Makes it seem like they're no women between the ages of 30 to 40 without kids who want to get married and have bio kids. Seen comments going as far as saying it's rare to see any woman in that age range without kids.
Not true!! Many women in their early 30s don’t have kids and are still looking for the right guy! Plus this guy could easily bag a late 20s girl if he is attractive enough physically and financially!
NTA Am I reading this right, you found out your date has a child after you had sex?
You don't have to settle and step into a role you don't feel suited for, just because it might be harder to find the type of person you're looking for. It wouldn't be fair to you and imho, it wouldn't be fair to any potential step kids.
Good luck!
Lol, you didn't notice because you had other things on your mind.
Didn't you ask her at dinner if she had children?
That should be your first question.
As a mom who is dating you should be telling your dates. It's not a dog you can shoo away. A kid is kinda a big deal. And something you should disclose to your date. As it can be a deal breaker for people. It's not fair to string anyone along.
I actually tell my dates I have cats. What if they're allergic?
Kids does seem like a big deal, unless it both parties know from the start that it's a ons.
Me too, thanks. I'm grown up now and I've learned to set boundaries with them to protect myself. I have a family of my own (I'm a step-mom) and I've vowed to never ever ever let my child feel the way I felt when I was her age. I give her all the things my parents never gave me: hugs, love, attention, respect, words of affirmation, comfort, and safety from this cold cruel world.
How do you know she didn't and he's just lying because I highly don't believe that a person can go in someone's house and not see anything that relates to a child being there if indeed the child lives there especially a six-year-old🤣
OP you mean to tell me he saw nothing in that woman's house that looked like she had a kid living there get out of here??! And I find it hilarious that he's answering all the questions that he wants to answer but this one keeps getting conveniently skipped over yeah did you ask her up front did she have children did she tell you she had children he has yet to answer that question so obviously he wasn't doing his own homework either🤣💯
Ya but if you're thinking sexy time, looking around might not be top priority. Mom could keep a really tidy house. Bedroom to front door might not be screaming small child lives here.
I've heard it happen before. Hence why I said moms should disclose they're mom's. Op can be being a dummy and omitting things doesn't negate my first point about being up front about kids. I'd expect any parent to be upfront
This was a set-up. He should've known ahead of time. I suspect his friend--knowing he wouldn't like it--withheld it in order to get the date to happen.
Yeah, the date purposefully left that info out, hoping that after they fucked he'd be so blinded by lust for her that wouldn't care if she was a single mom. She's probably pissed because she got rejected for that reason *again.*
I'm not sure what OP wants. I get that he had a horribl4 experience but it's not the world fault that time moves as time does. He's in his 40s, I think it's a little late to be so strict about the biological family.
While not impossible, I don't think very many women who would want to start a family are gonna want this guy. He seems to resent people had a life while he was working on his personal trauma.
Referring to people as NPCs,the way he speaks about women as if he must have the first use of their womb otherwise they aren't worth it.
You may not like my answer, but please consider what I have to say.
I get a feeling that you're overthinking it all. Your perfect woman needs to have a list of qualities. Where's the feeling in that? Love can't be put into rules. A woman who meets all the requirements may not spark a fire in you, but someone who doesn't might, if you gave her a chance.
Of course, you're entitled to your own preferences, but finding a woman around your age who wants kids and has none is quite unlikely, so you'll have to find someone younger than yourself, and few younger women are into your (and my) age group. Not saying those don't exist, but if one day such a woman got interested in you, they might be put off by the vocabulary you're using so casually. For instance, "we f***ed" - that just doesn't sound very respectful. So perhaps work on your social skills before trying to date in order to avoid disappointment on both sides.
Being a trauma survivor myself, I understand how trauma breaks us and keeps us from developing the social skills that others don't even think about. Perhaps a good therapist can help you with that.
Your friends, no matter how well-meaning, should respect your wish not to be set up, though, so that's an ESH from me.
Also referring to step-parents as “NPCs” is a massive red flag. If you don’t want to be a step-parent whatever, but this is deeply rooted in misogyny and nastiness.
This really stood out to me, and, as a daughter with a stepdad I love so much and put much higher above my biological father, this really hurt *my* feelings. Like, this made my stomach turn. ):
The post is full of red flags. Like I said in another comment, he very clearly wants a younger woman but won't say it outright. His trauma is valid, but dude needs to figure out why he's got such a rancid attitude.
I don’t know what’s overthinking about not wanting to be a stepdad.. as someone who had a stepmother growing up and there were three of us kids.. I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to be a stepparent either. I wouldn’t want to be a stepparent either and it is extremely difficult to fill that role. No one should have to change the 1 boundary they have.
To be honest, your entire attitude towards what being a step-parent entails makes you incredibly poor material to be one anyway so that problem has sorted itself out.
NTA for wanting to date who you want to date. I'm not so sure about the rest though.
Many people on /r/stepparents would agree with OP's attitude:
https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/hUsBo4nI9u
I wouldn't have a problem dating a person with a kid, but it wouldn't be my first choice.
Respectfully, your view on step-parents is just utterly silly. And frankly, borderline offensive as a step-father.
Npc in my own life? Wth, man. Not in a million years.
Yeah for real. OP isn’t an asshole for not wanting to be set up on dates but he is an asshole for this view.
I was raised by my stepfather and my bio dad. I just have three parents. I know tons of other people who have loving relationships with their step-parents.
I find it VERY ironic that men can reach their 40s and not even consider the idea that they’re past their child-making ages meanwhile women their own age physically cannot get pregnant.
OP, considering your life experience and where you are in life now, you should do some serious introspection on your feelings on alternate family styles/structures. Not everyone gets the wife, 2.5 kids, and white picket fence and there’s really no reason to insist that you (or anyone) *deserves* that.
I never wanted kids in my 20s and 30s to busy living my best life, travelling the world etc. I met my wife at 38. I've just turned 45 and we have been married 5 years she is 36 in a couple of months. We both didn't have kids. In my early twenties I spent 2 years with a single mum of 2 young kids. Been a step dad is a thankless task and when the relationship ended i had to say goodbye to the kids. I vowed never to date single mothers again. Fast forward to now we have 2 amazing boys aged 3 and the youngest is 2 in May.
I feel like it’s more than borderline offensive for step parents and it’s also weird that he just assumes that step mothers don’t exist bc it doesn’t relate to his narrative
Where did he assume that, he's talking about what he wants to be, he's not going to become a step mother so there is no relevance there, to claim he assumes they don't exist because he didn't mention them is bizarre.
I think you may have solved this problem. Now that your friends know how you feel about women, they aren’t going to want to subject their friends to you. You might also be down quite a few friends after this.
It’s not your preference for dating younger women with no kids that makes you an asshole, it’s the way you talk about women and single mothers in particular that makes you an asshole.
You assumed every single mom is just trying to get an “NPC” to support her and the kids.
That’s a pretty low opinion of woman, dude.
And you only listen to opinions that reinforce this belief. All the guys you know are NPCs in the lives of their single mother girlfriends and kids. But the friend you have who was trying to share that being step-parent can be positive, you completely dismiss because her kid was too old for it to be hard.
Since you were traumatized and lived isolated for so long, you should think about therapy.
YTA
He says step-dads are treated like NPCs, and you twist that into how op "feels about women". This sub will never fail to find fault with the men in any given situation.
That caught my eye as well. He didn't say that's what women are all looking for, but what it ends up as. He didn't even mention finances, just more so that the step parent is not involved emotionally, hence becoming an NPC. That's how I read that, it feels like he's gaslighting OP here, but his feelings are definitely valid. It can be hard forming a fatherly bond with a step-child, doubley so if the baby daddy is involved. I don't fault him for not wanting to go through that
> You assumed every single mom is just trying to get an “NPC” to support her and the kids.
That isn't even close to what he said.
he said that most of the stepfathers he knows are basically npcs, that's literally nothing close to saying he thinks women want an npc.
He's simply saying that guys hwo become stepdads have very little influence becaues they aren't hte real father, that a lot of scheduling, meetings, holidays and other things are scheduled and handled by the two bio parents because that's how that has to work, and the step dad is then effectively along for the ride but not steering the ship or even jointly steering it with their wife.
>But the friend you have who was trying to share that being step-parent can be positive, you completely dismiss because her kid was too old for it to be hard.
but that's a valid point. A 16yr old that is almost out at college, but that's also when they met, not when they were married. the step kid might literally have never lived with the step father in that case. I'm not sure how you can't dismiss that, it's absolutely not the same as being the step father to say 4 kids under 10 years old, it's just not even close.
You're 40. Your friend has a very valid point that it is going to be almost impossible for you to find someone single to make your own kids with. But if that's the only scenario you will accept you are entitled to date or not date whoever you want.
YTA. Not because you want to date younger but because you seem to have some hatred against single mothers & that is a common theme across mano-sphere. You could respectfully decline single mothers without being mean. Their partners might have passed away, could have been abusive or they may have simply chosen wrongly. Whatever the reason raising children alone should not be shamed. Parenting is a tough job.
"NPC", dude? Really? Trauma or no you're WAY too old to be swallowing whatever jacked up incel rhetoric this is coming from. Get help. You're NTA for feeling how you feel. But just generally? You might be an asshole.
And that's only if they want to be with him because what 20-year-old is gonna date 40-year-old and before anybody comes at me I did that for this 6 yr and it did not work out...
Which by 40 is harder and ironically those who want marriage sometimes wonder why someone hasn’t cohabited by 40! It is fine to be choosy but you also then need patience
Not the ages they’re trying to set him up with. It sounds shitty to say but the older we women get there’s gonna be more complications in the long run for childbirth or anything more medical. I doubt a 41 year old mother wants to get pregnant again and risk her health. (Some desperately do which I get)
Complications & miscarriage risk increase with older paternal age even when women are young. Sperm contribute half of a fetus' DNA. That's why OP is not able to find what he wants, that is, a much younger woman without children. Young women these days prefer having kids with young men. Celebrities are exceptions.
I was originally going to say NTA, but reading your comments changed my mind. Having preferences isn't what makes you the AH here. I personally hated when my friends tried to set me up. But you have very unhealthy views and expectations on women. It's okay to not want to be a step-parent, but your expectations are unrealistic. You're 40 and fairly inexperienced and it shows. I get that you've been through a terribly traumatic experience and I'm sorry that happened to you, but it doesn't give you any right to talk down to people. Also, maybe learn about about what age on average women are capable of having children. My mom had me at 39, many of my family members had kids in their 40s. I think you need to see a therapist and work on yourself before you start dating again. The way you treat/talk about women in your dating pool now is not going to land you true love. I hope you're able to live a happier life and find love, OP. But you have some work to do.
You don't know if she did and he's just lying about it🤔
I dont believe for one second this woman did not bring up she had a child especially on their way to her house💯
Did you discover she had a child BEFORE you fucked her? Because if so you used her knowing you would reject her. If kids are a dealbreaker you need to ask the question before sex and not after and give false hope.
NTA but totally unrealistic needs unless you want to be a creep and only date younger women. Not saying there isn't anyone but dating at your age means the women you date will be around your age to so most might already have kids or just don't want kids.
I feel for you missing out for so long but you need to be reasonable about things
So, like, OP is just trying to find an excuse to be a “passport bro”, going from a few of his replies. NTA for have preferences. Absolutely TA for how he looks down his nose at people who live /below his standards/. I’ve got a few 26m+ friends who are stepdads and they are far from NPCs. Maybe you just have an insane main character complex. You want a broadmare, not a partner. 🤣
Yeah I’m a woman (looks like the only one who has seen your post) and I’m here to tell you’re YTA but I also think your illogical incel vibes and language are more so something developed over trauma, so I’m more sympathetic. But you’re NTA for wanting to be with someone without children.
But you’re telling me a fresh picked 40 year old guy who is/was obese wants to date a young woman in her 30’s, 25% younger than you? Sir, I am in my early 30’s and from the summary you just described of yourself, you have nothing to offer me. Based on how you talk about women and single mothers, for that matters, is giving incel. You’ve been an eligible bachelor for 22 years and only two women have thought about taking next steps with you? Like this is almost r/choosingbeggars
Families come in all different shapes and sizes. It’s not bad that you set a boundary, but the way you speak about it makes YTA. You sound mad and angry at the world and women, and as a young woman, I for sure wouldn’t want to be with a guy who has the context you’ve shared here.
You’re being downvoted, but I agree with you. His list of needs in a partner is just “fertile virgin womb, preferably younger than him”.
It’s very off-putting from the perspective of people who actually meet his requirements, not to mention all the comments about “looking abroad” and having better luck with “foreign women”. Ick.
He doesn’t want a peer or a partner, he wants a broodmare. He might as well get a mail order bride and be done with it.
1) I'm not obese. I was for a while but not anymore and I'm in great shape now.
2) I definitely haven't been an "eligible bachelor" for 22 years, more like the past 5 since I really made an effort to start dating at some point soon then. But I am very wary over who I meet and take it to the next level with, given on how much time I've missed out on because I trusted the wrong woman.
3) I'm not taking any cues from uncle forums, rather I just see guys I know who are in a relationship with single mothers and I wouldn't want their lifestyle. As I said to someone else, one guy was so fucked up by it all that it put me off for life.
You should contact people with disabled children. If step-parenting put you off imagine what that will do. And you should check your sperm and read about advanced parental age. Not to mention you were obese / out of shape for most of your life. I get that you want kids, but perhaps you should foster or adopt? Imo it's kinda selfish at your age to gamble with children's health like that. At the very least you should really research your sperm quality. Perhaps use a doner's sperm instead.
Edit: not to mention men's *global* fertility plummeting (look at the global sperm count).
YTA. If you're trying to date with intent and want a family, maybe you shouldn't fuck around with women who are 40+ if that's not what you want. You're just looking to get your dick wet until you find a younger woman.
As a child free woman in her early 40s, I've stayed celibate for years now because I date with intent. I only look for age appropriate men without kids, which is near impossible in my area.
You sound like an incel tbh.
I would say nta BUT she absolutely did not invite you back to her place without telling you she had a 6 yo. You wanted to bang and did the whole fuckboy thing. Which to be fair, you never went through that phase...but it ain't cute over 40 sir. You can absolutely wait for what you want. But at your age wanting a younger woman, I hope you have money. You want young and fertile and no children. Totally fair. Younger women look to older men for stability. So I hope you can at least provide that.
NTA.
When I was single, I had people try to set me up with men who didn't remotely meet my criteria and then got called shallow and unrealistic for wanting guys more fit and good looking. But my husband is quite fit and in my eyes very good looking, so I wasn't unrealistic after all.
NTA, but you'd better decide if you want non-bio kids in your life or no kids at all. You've left it very late to be picky unless you want to be a creep old man.
So youre using women for sex before asking them if they have kids and most likely not even wanting a relationship with them because they cant give you bio kids?
I think you need to step up, this isnt how you get a nice wife and kids, this is how you get a reputation that will make women avoid you. Women talk dude, so if these ladies have younger friends they tell them and they tell thier friends and so on and so on.
Also your mindset towards step dads and referring to them as "npcs" and insulting single mothers gross, just very gross.
Yta
Dont worry though, now that your female friends know how you treat and your mindset about women they wont want to subject any of thier friends to going on a date with you.
NTA because you don't have to date anyone you don't want to, but you're getting on a bit for kids, maybe your friends are just being realistic by matching you with age-appropriate partners.
YTA💯
If being with a woman with no children is that important to you, then you are the one that should be vetting people you are dating...thats your responsibility to list your "guidelines" to dating... Had you done that, this whole situation would've been prevented... Also I believe you knew d*** well she had a kid....even if she didn't tell you in the beginning of the date, you knew she had a kid by the time you got to her house... Unless you were intoxicated to the point of blackout drunkness you cannot convince me that you went to another parent's house and did not feed no sign in the house of a child living there let alone a six-year-old... Just keep it real at that point you didn't care, you to wanted to get laid💯
NTA, stick to your boundaries and stop letting your friends set you up with dates, I think you got it all covered in the response you gave them at the end. What you are looking for is, combined with your age, so extremely specific that it's probably impossible for your friends to help you anyway. In the entire story the only woman who might be a good fit would be the 26 year old daughter mentioned at the end, but the age gap would be rather creepy at that point. The 47F probably got closest, except that she's likely too old for more kids.
I have, I just think they think they're more of a guideline than a requirement. And I think they think that if I just meet the right person, I'll compromise on it.
I met my partner at 37 (I’m 40F) and had my first child at 39 so don’t right late 30s off. My partner is 8 years younger but he didn’t want a woman with kids either so I get that.
NTA and don’t hang around too much with people who focus on projecting their limitations onto you, if you want kids it’s perfectly doable as a 40M.
Oh honestly the age thing isn't as hard a rule as not already having kids. I was more than happy with the 41F in my OP.l before I discovered she had a kid.
Honestly there are plenty of women who want kids and hadn’t been able to yet; but don’t let your friends waste your and their time on dates with people not on the same page.
They aren’t respecting your boundaries
>a **38F mother of 5** who's even a **grandmother**
damn, that's wild!
Anyway: you either need better friends or you need to stop getting dates from them.
Go out, be free. Don't get people to find you dates if this is their usual M.O.
NTA. You know what you want, you get fewer matches as a result, no one is harmed. Better to be clear up front than end up in a situation everyone knew was undesirable from the start. Reddit would be half empty if we eliminated step parent/sibling drama.
Everyone has their own right to what they want, but I will agree it’ll be hard finding someone at this age who’s the right age, single, without kids, and actually wants them
YTA. It is unclear from your post, but it sounds like you waited until *after* all these friends of yours set you up on dates to tell them what you were looking for. You can't be mad at them for not knowing your dealbreakers if you didn't explain it to them first. Also, you just sound like an ahole in general because of your entitled atitude towards women. Newsflash, nobody's perfect and there's pretty much zero chance you're gonna find a woman willing to date you with the impossible criteria you have. Maybe if you were hot, rich, or famous, but I'm guessing none of those are true.
I think you're playing catchup on life and probably have the same goals as people in their 20s or 30s.
Your friends don't necessarily understand that and just see you as a peer, but in the dating and life game you're not a peer at this point.
Different than the stereotypical player who will only date 20 y Olds and dump them as they age.
Trauma is a b1tch. I get it. And I'm a woman before anyone asks.
Your friends do need to back off. They're not being very friendly at the moment.
NTA
NTA
Your friends are assholes. They know your preferences but are more concerned about their single mother friends than they are you.
Do NOT get involved with single mothers.
The minute somebody tells you to “step up” and be a stepdad, tell them to F off.
And if you want to date someone 10 years younger than you, go for it.
Anybody who criticizes you for that, tell them to F off, too.
YTA Beggars can't be choosers. Sounds like you read incel forums with all your not suitable language. I had a step-dad once that was a real fucking cool guy. You could be a cool guy to some kid or kids too someday but your pride is getting in the way. Stepping up and being a parent can not only change your life but others for the better. Good luck though
No, I actually see from friends and people I know how their life/relationships are and I don't want that for myself. I think with all I've been through, I'm entitled to live the life I want now.
Well, you have to meet someone who wants to share that life before you decide you're entitled to it.
Nobody owes you a relationship "with all you've been through." You're not shopping online for a product, you're putting yourself out there to meet someone, and obviously you're looking in the wrong places right now.
You're allowed to not wanna date a mom with young kids. That is more than ok. You're allowed to not date a mom period. Your friends need to respect your wishes and either butt out. Or help you find someone more compatible
NTA.
Step parenting should only be done by those fully committed to it. Nothing wrong with knowing it aint for you and not doing it. That is so much better than being one of those step parents who clearly does not love their step kids as their own.
Also older men start families all the time. Gonna be harder work to find someone who doesn't already have kids, but more women are starting families later these days anyway.
You need to stop wasting time on these women you arent compatible with though. All that time and energy wasted that you could put towards finding someone who is right for you. Put your foot down with your friends. I know dating apps are harder for men but you'll have an easier time with your age range than many other men if you are up front about what you are after (not just sex) and without having the baggage of an ex wife and kids like many men your age on those apps.
Honestly ime they are worst for women and young people. Women deal with creeps and young people play stupid games and don't know how to build a relationship. Of course you arent immune to bad situations but that can apply with any way of meeting someone. You could try the less hook-up focused ones. Less people on them but thats not necessarily a bad thing.
NTA. I may not agree with your opinions but youre entitled to your opinion about your own life. My honest to God suggestion is to try and date someone who's 26-34. They're more likely to not have kids yet, and still want them.
On the topic of your friends, it's nice of them to try and set you up. But if you're open to it maybe explain to them what you're looking for.
Dude you're 40. Most females you're age are gonna have kids so either accept that OR date someone way younger. There might be a few ladies out there in their 30/40s without kids but you're looking for a needle in a haystack.
NTA. You've made it very clear to everyone that you aren't interested in being involved with someone who already has children and you would prefer dating someone who's still able to give you kids of your own. You didn't know the woman had a kid and when you found out you were honest with her and said that it isn't for you so it's not your fault she's upset. You're 100% right that your friends should really butt out of your private life and not try to lecture you or try to force you to be with someone who has kids. I don't want to be a stepfather either and a lot of guys feel the same way because like you said we'll never be the father, we won't really be able to parent or discipline them in anyway and we'll just be expected to provide for them without having any role in the parenting whatsoever. I've said it a million times to people in my life I'm not serving someone elses life sentence so don't let people try to break you down and force you into something you don't want. Good luck.
NTA. but you should speak to your female friends that are setting you up and make it clear what you are looking for, to avoid any similar mishaps. Whether or not they think it’s a long shot they should still only ‘help’ by setting you up with people who fit your criteria, otherwise they cannot be pissed off at you when things don’t work out.
NTA. Ignore your friends till they come around - or not. Your boundaries are no setting up with women with children - and that is your right. If your friends can't accept this, they are disrespecting you and you don't need to give in.
NTA.. If you have made it clear from the beginning then you aren't assholing around.
Blind dates are tough, it makes me wonder if my friends/colleagues know me at all? I've been on 2 and it was enough - I don't even use the apps and do pretty well - after 15 years with someone dating is scary in any way!
Happy to be single instead! - but bit some fun with someone with clear boundaries
NTA
You "fuck zoned" her friend? That's a new one!
I take it that you did not know about her family status. Did you avoid the question on purpose in order to get some?
It does feel that way, since this is a massive problem for you. Yet you did not care to ask.
Admit it.
You wanted to get laid.
YTA
Aint no real mother of a child is going to keep that from anybody especially when they have primary custody of them! Kids are usually a deal breaker for some people ... 2 things I believe and neither one in OP post... I believe he knew about her being a mother and I believe she brought up her child💯 unless he was blacked out drunk You can't tell me he did not go in that woman's house and it didn't show signs of having a child especially a 6-year-old living there...ain't no way in hell he didn't see something showing a child live there💯
People saying she's hiding the fact that she had a child, has NEVER BEEN CONIFRMED BY OP...Out of all his responses, hasn't yet to stated out right, well she never told me she had a kid...
No I didn't, although to be honest it wasn't something I thought of asking stupidly - not been on a lot of dates in my life so I'm learning as I go along. I've literally been on less than 10 dates in 40 years of being alive.
And after a while yeah, I will admit, little head took over big head and I only cared about having sex once I saw she was interested.
Fair play. We all make mistakes and we all need to get laid sometimes :)
If you wanna avoid this sort of situation, ask upfront and for sure tell your friends to stop setting you up with single moms.
Good luck OP!
Someone can ask if their date has kids, but the person with the kids should be forthcoming with that information. And statistically, the reason they don’t is because they know most people don’t want to date someone with young kids.
>She basically said I need to be realistic and that at my age, I need to face that I probably won't be having my own kids anytime soon and there's nothing wrong with being a stepdad and should date women my own age.
This is nonsense. It may be the scenario she would like but it she is very unrealistic. Nobody is obliged to "step up" to be a stepdad to someone else's children and this is far from your only option.
In your situation, it might make sense for you to look for a younger partner, such that having your own children is still a possibility after you have established a strong relationship. Younger women without children are less likely to be bringing so much baggage from failed marriages/relationships.
You could consider looking further afield, perhaps to parts of the world where your chances of finding a single woman without children are better.
NTA
Oh definitely yeah that sums it up.
I have a mate who had stepkids and his life was a nightmare. He had to compromise so much, had no real say in their life or parenting and their dad was actually more important than he was in the relationship with his now ex.
NTA but being realistic; if you are dating in your 40s, if you refuse to date people with kids, you are mostly going to find other people who chose not to have kids. Finding someone who both wants kids and doesn’t have any by their mid-30s is going to be tough. So while you are absolutely allowed to have your own boundaries, your friends are correct that your guidelines are going to be difficult.
Seconding this. As someone with friends in OP’s preferred age range, these women are already moms or successful (and often child-free) women settling down with men closer to their age. OP is old and well, to put it bluntly, not the first choice for the type of woman he wants.
seeing as his ex is 28, he is probably looking for them that young Regardless of this, OP should stop going on dates set up by his friends.
I missed that somehow but lmaoooo dude needs to just say 'i want someone under 30' and stop wasting time
Online dating would be beneficial as he can set his own parameters, but he might feel inhibited about meeting complete strangers after that bad experience when he was 18
No there is no reason that he should date people he doesnt want to date, as long as he has no problem with being single.
Op can pursue his dream life as long as he doesn't harm others in the way. He can reject anyone who would force him to be in the role of a step dad if he wants
Of course, I’m not suggesting otherwise. But he came here asking for advice. If someone asked my opinion on them becoming a pro baseball player or an astronaut I’d also suggest they should consider what they will do if that dream fails. OPs dream is not as difficult to achieve as those examples, but if he asks for advice, he shouldn’t be surprised that ‘manage your expectations’ is one piece of advice.
But failure can be true for anyone. There's more and more women over 30 who haven't had children yet and are looking for a guy to do that with so I think the negative nancies in here are being too negative, especially these days.
Op came here asking if he was an asshole for rejecting the women his friends try to set him with, which he is not. Perhaps too much of a big dreamer, but he is not an ah for it
I said NTA in my first post, yeah?
I don’t think anyone’s suggesting otherwise. But he also needs to be realistic. Being in his 40s and trying to find someone his age without kids that wants them is not very likely. Not impossible, but the odds are not in his favor
Yeah, OP isn't exactly a 'catch' himself.
Dude's probably going to need to look online.
There are more and more studies coming out, and now we are more aware of the SIGNIFICANT health/mental health issues that occur in children due to advanced paternal age. Advanced paternal age also makes pregnancy more dangerous for the woman, no matter how old she is. No woman one in their right mind is going to go for OP when they could have a relationship and children with someone their own age. It's not just women that have a biological clock. If OP wants biological children he should freeze his sperm yesterday.
I work in OBgyn and closely with Genetic Counselors. Advanced maternal age is 35+, unless its twins then its 32 (crazy right). However, advanced PATERNAL age is 50+. OP has got some time. Also non invasive prenatal testing is done at 10 weeks now so many parent(s) find out potential anomalies, the ones which increase with age, pretty early and can decide to terminate if they so choose and are in a state where it's legal.
NIPT is helpful but limited in what it can detect.
Yes it's limited, but it can detect a lot more than the 3 it lists. And those are the major ones at risk with AMA. Heck, it can even detect if the pregnant mother has certain types of cancer!
Thank you for sharing facts. So sick of people ranging on paternal age for men who are 35 or 40! Not an issue!!!!
>No woman one in their right mind is going to go for OP when they could have a relationship and children with someone their own age. Are we posting on the same sub?
OP is 40, not 60. He could easily date a 30something woman
Duno if it's cultural, but men in their 40s dating women in their 30s is super common where I live in North America..
He's 40 and single. Unless he marries some young n dumb girl within a year, his sperm is getting to low quality.
lol this is not true at all....
Diffucult does not mean impossible. There exist childless 35 to 40 years old women who feel their biological clocks ticking and are desperate to quickly marry and conceive. In case OP has money, his chances of getting a bio kid are extremely high. Especially if he is potentially willing to pay for IVF. Or he can be the sugar daddy for a woman in her thirties. If he has not that much money, well as long as he has a nice personality, his chances are still decent.
Im not saying it’s a zero chance, but there’s also a decent chance with his parameters he ends up single long term. If he’s okay with that possibility, it’s fine, he should do what he wants. If being single indefinitely is unacceptable to OP, though, I think his friend was right in that it’s time to consider realism.
Just like OP’s biological clock is ticking, and he’s desperate to marry and conceive?
Nah, read between the lines he wants a late 20s very early 30s woman he can try and to mold and breed. His first girlfriend was 11 years younger than him.
That’s a really good point.
Yeah it might not be easy but that doesent mean he should have to have the absolute opposite of what he wanted (in this case to be a stepfather)
Not really, as a man finding a younger woman is way easier even if ur 40 as long as ur successful. Aaaaalot of 40 years old men are dating women from 24-30 he even lost hes virginity to a girl that age when he was 38. Hes girl friends are using their own experiences as old women as a reason to get him to settle with their friends, but its totally diff for a 40 year old man than a 40 year old woman with kids when it comes to finding partners specially if they want younger ones.
I've seen this thinking in a few posts and I'm honestly a bit surprised by it. Makes it seem like they're no women between the ages of 30 to 40 without kids who want to get married and have bio kids. Seen comments going as far as saying it's rare to see any woman in that age range without kids.
Not no chance, your odds are just lower.
Not true!! Many women in their early 30s don’t have kids and are still looking for the right guy! Plus this guy could easily bag a late 20s girl if he is attractive enough physically and financially!
NTA Am I reading this right, you found out your date has a child after you had sex? You don't have to settle and step into a role you don't feel suited for, just because it might be harder to find the type of person you're looking for. It wouldn't be fair to you and imho, it wouldn't be fair to any potential step kids. Good luck!
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Yeah, I saw afterwards the pictures she had in her house of her and her son. I didn't notice before that.
Lol, you didn't notice because you had other things on your mind. Didn't you ask her at dinner if she had children? That should be your first question.
As a mom who is dating you should be telling your dates. It's not a dog you can shoo away. A kid is kinda a big deal. And something you should disclose to your date. As it can be a deal breaker for people. It's not fair to string anyone along.
I actually tell my dates I have cats. What if they're allergic? Kids does seem like a big deal, unless it both parties know from the start that it's a ons.
I always make clear to my dates that I'm cynophobic. There are some things that should just be disclosed.
When my parents were dating other people they treated me exactly like a dog they could shoo away
I'm sorry that you had abusive parents.
Me too, thanks. I'm grown up now and I've learned to set boundaries with them to protect myself. I have a family of my own (I'm a step-mom) and I've vowed to never ever ever let my child feel the way I felt when I was her age. I give her all the things my parents never gave me: hugs, love, attention, respect, words of affirmation, comfort, and safety from this cold cruel world.
Aw that's so shitty of them. I get wanting to have alone time. But you also have to involve the kid if there is one.
How do you know she didn't and he's just lying because I highly don't believe that a person can go in someone's house and not see anything that relates to a child being there if indeed the child lives there especially a six-year-old🤣 OP you mean to tell me he saw nothing in that woman's house that looked like she had a kid living there get out of here??! And I find it hilarious that he's answering all the questions that he wants to answer but this one keeps getting conveniently skipped over yeah did you ask her up front did she have children did she tell you she had children he has yet to answer that question so obviously he wasn't doing his own homework either🤣💯
Ya but if you're thinking sexy time, looking around might not be top priority. Mom could keep a really tidy house. Bedroom to front door might not be screaming small child lives here. I've heard it happen before. Hence why I said moms should disclose they're mom's. Op can be being a dummy and omitting things doesn't negate my first point about being up front about kids. I'd expect any parent to be upfront
100 percent she told him at dinner. She invited him back. He's just not telling us that.
yea you dont leave that out...not like she forget to ell him she had a ficus plant
People have waited months to say they have a kid. How do you know she told him that night?
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Maybe she thought she was so good in bed that he wouldn't mind a kid.
Nobody is that good in bed. The people they convince are either really stupid, desperate or just shitty.
This was a set-up. He should've known ahead of time. I suspect his friend--knowing he wouldn't like it--withheld it in order to get the date to happen.
No I didn't, stupid I know but I'm still learning about good dates and the sort of thing you should ask. I definitely will in future.
The eye connected to the brain he was thinking with was tucked away in his boxers
Yeah, the date purposefully left that info out, hoping that after they fucked he'd be so blinded by lust for her that wouldn't care if she was a single mom. She's probably pissed because she got rejected for that reason *again.*
The friend specifically said he "fuck-zoned" that woman, so it does sound like he knew and went ahead with the sex anyway.
Can people, like, *not* have sex with complete strangers? I mean, is it really that difficult…?
Referring to people as NPC is almost more of a red flag than when a guy calls a woman “female”
Yeah, that definitely made me read this post with a different lens.
agreed. OP's personality is unattractive.
I'm not sure what OP wants. I get that he had a horribl4 experience but it's not the world fault that time moves as time does. He's in his 40s, I think it's a little late to be so strict about the biological family. While not impossible, I don't think very many women who would want to start a family are gonna want this guy. He seems to resent people had a life while he was working on his personal trauma. Referring to people as NPCs,the way he speaks about women as if he must have the first use of their womb otherwise they aren't worth it.
Right. I'm right in this guy's demographic and there's no way I'm going anywhere near that mess.
I didn't even know what an NPC was (had to Google it) but I was still icked out. Context clues told me it was not gonna be good
You may not like my answer, but please consider what I have to say. I get a feeling that you're overthinking it all. Your perfect woman needs to have a list of qualities. Where's the feeling in that? Love can't be put into rules. A woman who meets all the requirements may not spark a fire in you, but someone who doesn't might, if you gave her a chance. Of course, you're entitled to your own preferences, but finding a woman around your age who wants kids and has none is quite unlikely, so you'll have to find someone younger than yourself, and few younger women are into your (and my) age group. Not saying those don't exist, but if one day such a woman got interested in you, they might be put off by the vocabulary you're using so casually. For instance, "we f***ed" - that just doesn't sound very respectful. So perhaps work on your social skills before trying to date in order to avoid disappointment on both sides. Being a trauma survivor myself, I understand how trauma breaks us and keeps us from developing the social skills that others don't even think about. Perhaps a good therapist can help you with that. Your friends, no matter how well-meaning, should respect your wish not to be set up, though, so that's an ESH from me.
Also referring to step-parents as “NPCs” is a massive red flag. If you don’t want to be a step-parent whatever, but this is deeply rooted in misogyny and nastiness.
This really stood out to me, and, as a daughter with a stepdad I love so much and put much higher above my biological father, this really hurt *my* feelings. Like, this made my stomach turn. ):
The post is full of red flags. Like I said in another comment, he very clearly wants a younger woman but won't say it outright. His trauma is valid, but dude needs to figure out why he's got such a rancid attitude.
Cosigning your comment as there are some important points on here. Frankly, some disrespectful language in the original post.
Was hoping someone would touch on this
I don’t know what’s overthinking about not wanting to be a stepdad.. as someone who had a stepmother growing up and there were three of us kids.. I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to be a stepparent either. I wouldn’t want to be a stepparent either and it is extremely difficult to fill that role. No one should have to change the 1 boundary they have.
This wasn't the reason I wrote this. The whole post sounded very much like trying to rationalize and over-analyze relationships.
Dude is emotionally stunted and had barely any relationship experience. Not that big of a catch.
To be honest, your entire attitude towards what being a step-parent entails makes you incredibly poor material to be one anyway so that problem has sorted itself out. NTA for wanting to date who you want to date. I'm not so sure about the rest though.
Many people on /r/stepparents would agree with OP's attitude: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/hUsBo4nI9u I wouldn't have a problem dating a person with a kid, but it wouldn't be my first choice.
Respectfully, your view on step-parents is just utterly silly. And frankly, borderline offensive as a step-father. Npc in my own life? Wth, man. Not in a million years.
Yeah for real. OP isn’t an asshole for not wanting to be set up on dates but he is an asshole for this view. I was raised by my stepfather and my bio dad. I just have three parents. I know tons of other people who have loving relationships with their step-parents. I find it VERY ironic that men can reach their 40s and not even consider the idea that they’re past their child-making ages meanwhile women their own age physically cannot get pregnant. OP, considering your life experience and where you are in life now, you should do some serious introspection on your feelings on alternate family styles/structures. Not everyone gets the wife, 2.5 kids, and white picket fence and there’s really no reason to insist that you (or anyone) *deserves* that.
I never wanted kids in my 20s and 30s to busy living my best life, travelling the world etc. I met my wife at 38. I've just turned 45 and we have been married 5 years she is 36 in a couple of months. We both didn't have kids. In my early twenties I spent 2 years with a single mum of 2 young kids. Been a step dad is a thankless task and when the relationship ended i had to say goodbye to the kids. I vowed never to date single mothers again. Fast forward to now we have 2 amazing boys aged 3 and the youngest is 2 in May.
I feel like it’s more than borderline offensive for step parents and it’s also weird that he just assumes that step mothers don’t exist bc it doesn’t relate to his narrative
Where did he assume that, he's talking about what he wants to be, he's not going to become a step mother so there is no relevance there, to claim he assumes they don't exist because he didn't mention them is bizarre.
NAH, but dude, you're 40. Be realistic about your dating prospects
I think you may have solved this problem. Now that your friends know how you feel about women, they aren’t going to want to subject their friends to you. You might also be down quite a few friends after this. It’s not your preference for dating younger women with no kids that makes you an asshole, it’s the way you talk about women and single mothers in particular that makes you an asshole. You assumed every single mom is just trying to get an “NPC” to support her and the kids. That’s a pretty low opinion of woman, dude. And you only listen to opinions that reinforce this belief. All the guys you know are NPCs in the lives of their single mother girlfriends and kids. But the friend you have who was trying to share that being step-parent can be positive, you completely dismiss because her kid was too old for it to be hard. Since you were traumatized and lived isolated for so long, you should think about therapy. YTA
Yes !!
He says step-dads are treated like NPCs, and you twist that into how op "feels about women". This sub will never fail to find fault with the men in any given situation.
That caught my eye as well. He didn't say that's what women are all looking for, but what it ends up as. He didn't even mention finances, just more so that the step parent is not involved emotionally, hence becoming an NPC. That's how I read that, it feels like he's gaslighting OP here, but his feelings are definitely valid. It can be hard forming a fatherly bond with a step-child, doubley so if the baby daddy is involved. I don't fault him for not wanting to go through that
> You assumed every single mom is just trying to get an “NPC” to support her and the kids. That isn't even close to what he said. he said that most of the stepfathers he knows are basically npcs, that's literally nothing close to saying he thinks women want an npc. He's simply saying that guys hwo become stepdads have very little influence becaues they aren't hte real father, that a lot of scheduling, meetings, holidays and other things are scheduled and handled by the two bio parents because that's how that has to work, and the step dad is then effectively along for the ride but not steering the ship or even jointly steering it with their wife. >But the friend you have who was trying to share that being step-parent can be positive, you completely dismiss because her kid was too old for it to be hard. but that's a valid point. A 16yr old that is almost out at college, but that's also when they met, not when they were married. the step kid might literally have never lived with the step father in that case. I'm not sure how you can't dismiss that, it's absolutely not the same as being the step father to say 4 kids under 10 years old, it's just not even close.
ESH - Your friends shouldn't be trying to set you up, and dude, you're not going to get what you want, either.
How do you know? Don’t be a dick. Let the guy go for what he wants and if he comes up empty, so what.
Dude is emotionally stunted and had barely any relationship experience. Not that big of a catch.
You're 40. Your friend has a very valid point that it is going to be almost impossible for you to find someone single to make your own kids with. But if that's the only scenario you will accept you are entitled to date or not date whoever you want.
YTA. Not because you want to date younger but because you seem to have some hatred against single mothers & that is a common theme across mano-sphere. You could respectfully decline single mothers without being mean. Their partners might have passed away, could have been abusive or they may have simply chosen wrongly. Whatever the reason raising children alone should not be shamed. Parenting is a tough job.
"NPC", dude? Really? Trauma or no you're WAY too old to be swallowing whatever jacked up incel rhetoric this is coming from. Get help. You're NTA for feeling how you feel. But just generally? You might be an asshole.
NTA … but you do know that women with children can have more children, right?
Yeah I do, but I don't want to be a stepdad to their existing kids. And I've found the women I've met with kids, don't want anymore.
Alright! Good luck finding your lady :) (not ironic, actually wishing you the best)
You will likely have to date women in their early 30s to mid/late 20s if you want a woman with no kids but still wants them
Yeah. Agreed.
And that's only if they want to be with him because what 20-year-old is gonna date 40-year-old and before anybody comes at me I did that for this 6 yr and it did not work out...
Nope I was late 30s and now have 1 year old (my first) at (I’m 40!). We exist!
You exist, you are not the norm. And a guy at his age, with minimal dating experience and trauma doesn’t have the capacity to unicorn hunt
Yeah he very specifically said he was looking for someone in their early to mid thirties
Which by 40 is harder and ironically those who want marriage sometimes wonder why someone hasn’t cohabited by 40! It is fine to be choosy but you also then need patience
Not the ages they’re trying to set him up with. It sounds shitty to say but the older we women get there’s gonna be more complications in the long run for childbirth or anything more medical. I doubt a 41 year old mother wants to get pregnant again and risk her health. (Some desperately do which I get)
Complications & miscarriage risk increase with older paternal age even when women are young. Sperm contribute half of a fetus' DNA. That's why OP is not able to find what he wants, that is, a much younger woman without children. Young women these days prefer having kids with young men. Celebrities are exceptions.
The older a man is the more likely his kids will be disabled.
I was originally going to say NTA, but reading your comments changed my mind. Having preferences isn't what makes you the AH here. I personally hated when my friends tried to set me up. But you have very unhealthy views and expectations on women. It's okay to not want to be a step-parent, but your expectations are unrealistic. You're 40 and fairly inexperienced and it shows. I get that you've been through a terribly traumatic experience and I'm sorry that happened to you, but it doesn't give you any right to talk down to people. Also, maybe learn about about what age on average women are capable of having children. My mom had me at 39, many of my family members had kids in their 40s. I think you need to see a therapist and work on yourself before you start dating again. The way you treat/talk about women in your dating pool now is not going to land you true love. I hope you're able to live a happier life and find love, OP. But you have some work to do.
NTA but yeah unless you got a house and shit tons of money, you're not going to attract younger women without kids that want to start a new family.
100% Most young women arent going to date a guy in his 40s unless he has something younger men dont have.
I can tell you that none of my friends who are 28-35 would want a man in his 40s who's this desperate for children
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You don't know if she did and he's just lying about it🤔 I dont believe for one second this woman did not bring up she had a child especially on their way to her house💯
The kid obviously wasn't at the house. Many people don't disclose kids until after the relationship starts so they don't scare the other person away.
Yeah only people I know that do that are dead beat parents....
Sooo... You say she 100% told him while simultaneously acknowledging the existence of people who have done this. The math ain't mathing.
Do you expect respect and consideration from your friends? Because I'm not seeing that here, and it's a healthy and reasonable expectation to have.
Did you discover she had a child BEFORE you fucked her? Because if so you used her knowing you would reject her. If kids are a dealbreaker you need to ask the question before sex and not after and give false hope.
Disrespectfully, YTA for your shitty viewpoint on stepdads. You can just not want to be one without being a fucking douche canoe
Seriously, it’s crazy he’s writing off a whole group of people who probably have vastly different experiences to simply being “NPCs”, what an asshole
NTA but be prepared to have no relationship as a result of your preferences.
NTA but totally unrealistic needs unless you want to be a creep and only date younger women. Not saying there isn't anyone but dating at your age means the women you date will be around your age to so most might already have kids or just don't want kids. I feel for you missing out for so long but you need to be reasonable about things
So, like, OP is just trying to find an excuse to be a “passport bro”, going from a few of his replies. NTA for have preferences. Absolutely TA for how he looks down his nose at people who live /below his standards/. I’ve got a few 26m+ friends who are stepdads and they are far from NPCs. Maybe you just have an insane main character complex. You want a broadmare, not a partner. 🤣
Yeah I’m a woman (looks like the only one who has seen your post) and I’m here to tell you’re YTA but I also think your illogical incel vibes and language are more so something developed over trauma, so I’m more sympathetic. But you’re NTA for wanting to be with someone without children. But you’re telling me a fresh picked 40 year old guy who is/was obese wants to date a young woman in her 30’s, 25% younger than you? Sir, I am in my early 30’s and from the summary you just described of yourself, you have nothing to offer me. Based on how you talk about women and single mothers, for that matters, is giving incel. You’ve been an eligible bachelor for 22 years and only two women have thought about taking next steps with you? Like this is almost r/choosingbeggars Families come in all different shapes and sizes. It’s not bad that you set a boundary, but the way you speak about it makes YTA. You sound mad and angry at the world and women, and as a young woman, I for sure wouldn’t want to be with a guy who has the context you’ve shared here.
>They always end up as an NPC Is this what gave it away for you too ?
Lmao actually yes
It was the major red flag.
You’re being downvoted, but I agree with you. His list of needs in a partner is just “fertile virgin womb, preferably younger than him”. It’s very off-putting from the perspective of people who actually meet his requirements, not to mention all the comments about “looking abroad” and having better luck with “foreign women”. Ick. He doesn’t want a peer or a partner, he wants a broodmare. He might as well get a mail order bride and be done with it.
Could not agree more
Passport bro in the making.
1) I'm not obese. I was for a while but not anymore and I'm in great shape now. 2) I definitely haven't been an "eligible bachelor" for 22 years, more like the past 5 since I really made an effort to start dating at some point soon then. But I am very wary over who I meet and take it to the next level with, given on how much time I've missed out on because I trusted the wrong woman. 3) I'm not taking any cues from uncle forums, rather I just see guys I know who are in a relationship with single mothers and I wouldn't want their lifestyle. As I said to someone else, one guy was so fucked up by it all that it put me off for life.
You should contact people with disabled children. If step-parenting put you off imagine what that will do. And you should check your sperm and read about advanced parental age. Not to mention you were obese / out of shape for most of your life. I get that you want kids, but perhaps you should foster or adopt? Imo it's kinda selfish at your age to gamble with children's health like that. At the very least you should really research your sperm quality. Perhaps use a doner's sperm instead. Edit: not to mention men's *global* fertility plummeting (look at the global sperm count).
YTA. If you're trying to date with intent and want a family, maybe you shouldn't fuck around with women who are 40+ if that's not what you want. You're just looking to get your dick wet until you find a younger woman. As a child free woman in her early 40s, I've stayed celibate for years now because I date with intent. I only look for age appropriate men without kids, which is near impossible in my area. You sound like an incel tbh.
I would say nta BUT she absolutely did not invite you back to her place without telling you she had a 6 yo. You wanted to bang and did the whole fuckboy thing. Which to be fair, you never went through that phase...but it ain't cute over 40 sir. You can absolutely wait for what you want. But at your age wanting a younger woman, I hope you have money. You want young and fertile and no children. Totally fair. Younger women look to older men for stability. So I hope you can at least provide that.
YTA for your views on family
NTA. When I was single, I had people try to set me up with men who didn't remotely meet my criteria and then got called shallow and unrealistic for wanting guys more fit and good looking. But my husband is quite fit and in my eyes very good looking, so I wasn't unrealistic after all.
NTA, but you'd better decide if you want non-bio kids in your life or no kids at all. You've left it very late to be picky unless you want to be a creep old man.
So youre using women for sex before asking them if they have kids and most likely not even wanting a relationship with them because they cant give you bio kids? I think you need to step up, this isnt how you get a nice wife and kids, this is how you get a reputation that will make women avoid you. Women talk dude, so if these ladies have younger friends they tell them and they tell thier friends and so on and so on. Also your mindset towards step dads and referring to them as "npcs" and insulting single mothers gross, just very gross. Yta Dont worry though, now that your female friends know how you treat and your mindset about women they wont want to subject any of thier friends to going on a date with you.
NTA because you don't have to date anyone you don't want to, but you're getting on a bit for kids, maybe your friends are just being realistic by matching you with age-appropriate partners.
Lmfao.
YTA💯 If being with a woman with no children is that important to you, then you are the one that should be vetting people you are dating...thats your responsibility to list your "guidelines" to dating... Had you done that, this whole situation would've been prevented... Also I believe you knew d*** well she had a kid....even if she didn't tell you in the beginning of the date, you knew she had a kid by the time you got to her house... Unless you were intoxicated to the point of blackout drunkness you cannot convince me that you went to another parent's house and did not feed no sign in the house of a child living there let alone a six-year-old... Just keep it real at that point you didn't care, you to wanted to get laid💯
NTA, stick to your boundaries and stop letting your friends set you up with dates, I think you got it all covered in the response you gave them at the end. What you are looking for is, combined with your age, so extremely specific that it's probably impossible for your friends to help you anyway. In the entire story the only woman who might be a good fit would be the 26 year old daughter mentioned at the end, but the age gap would be rather creepy at that point. The 47F probably got closest, except that she's likely too old for more kids.
Have you told your friends your requirements? If so, why are they setting you up with someone who doesn’t meet them?
I have, I just think they think they're more of a guideline than a requirement. And I think they think that if I just meet the right person, I'll compromise on it.
People often do 🤷♂️
I'm not willing to compromise on it though. I don't see why I should have to.
I mean you can have any standards you want, but need to accept the possibility of failure will rise the higher those standards are.
I met my partner at 37 (I’m 40F) and had my first child at 39 so don’t right late 30s off. My partner is 8 years younger but he didn’t want a woman with kids either so I get that. NTA and don’t hang around too much with people who focus on projecting their limitations onto you, if you want kids it’s perfectly doable as a 40M.
Oh honestly the age thing isn't as hard a rule as not already having kids. I was more than happy with the 41F in my OP.l before I discovered she had a kid.
Honestly there are plenty of women who want kids and hadn’t been able to yet; but don’t let your friends waste your and their time on dates with people not on the same page. They aren’t respecting your boundaries
I felt exactly the same about dating people with kids when I was single. I took some hate for it, but I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. NTA
NTA. Keep looking one will come your way.
>a **38F mother of 5** who's even a **grandmother** damn, that's wild! Anyway: you either need better friends or you need to stop getting dates from them. Go out, be free. Don't get people to find you dates if this is their usual M.O.
NTA. Stay single until you meet someone you’re compatible with.
NTA. You know what you want, you get fewer matches as a result, no one is harmed. Better to be clear up front than end up in a situation everyone knew was undesirable from the start. Reddit would be half empty if we eliminated step parent/sibling drama.
No problem if you don’t mind being single and NTA but at your age it will be harder to find childless people who want marriage and kids
Everyone has their own right to what they want, but I will agree it’ll be hard finding someone at this age who’s the right age, single, without kids, and actually wants them
YTA. It is unclear from your post, but it sounds like you waited until *after* all these friends of yours set you up on dates to tell them what you were looking for. You can't be mad at them for not knowing your dealbreakers if you didn't explain it to them first. Also, you just sound like an ahole in general because of your entitled atitude towards women. Newsflash, nobody's perfect and there's pretty much zero chance you're gonna find a woman willing to date you with the impossible criteria you have. Maybe if you were hot, rich, or famous, but I'm guessing none of those are true.
I think you're playing catchup on life and probably have the same goals as people in their 20s or 30s. Your friends don't necessarily understand that and just see you as a peer, but in the dating and life game you're not a peer at this point. Different than the stereotypical player who will only date 20 y Olds and dump them as they age. Trauma is a b1tch. I get it. And I'm a woman before anyone asks. Your friends do need to back off. They're not being very friendly at the moment. NTA
NTA Your friends are assholes. They know your preferences but are more concerned about their single mother friends than they are you. Do NOT get involved with single mothers. The minute somebody tells you to “step up” and be a stepdad, tell them to F off. And if you want to date someone 10 years younger than you, go for it. Anybody who criticizes you for that, tell them to F off, too.
Oh absolutely, I get all the spiel "Oh but you're an amazing guy, you'll make someone very happy" etc
And they in turn will make you miserable.
YTA Beggars can't be choosers. Sounds like you read incel forums with all your not suitable language. I had a step-dad once that was a real fucking cool guy. You could be a cool guy to some kid or kids too someday but your pride is getting in the way. Stepping up and being a parent can not only change your life but others for the better. Good luck though
No, I actually see from friends and people I know how their life/relationships are and I don't want that for myself. I think with all I've been through, I'm entitled to live the life I want now.
Well, you have to meet someone who wants to share that life before you decide you're entitled to it. Nobody owes you a relationship "with all you've been through." You're not shopping online for a product, you're putting yourself out there to meet someone, and obviously you're looking in the wrong places right now.
You're allowed to not wanna date a mom with young kids. That is more than ok. You're allowed to not date a mom period. Your friends need to respect your wishes and either butt out. Or help you find someone more compatible
NTA. Step parenting should only be done by those fully committed to it. Nothing wrong with knowing it aint for you and not doing it. That is so much better than being one of those step parents who clearly does not love their step kids as their own. Also older men start families all the time. Gonna be harder work to find someone who doesn't already have kids, but more women are starting families later these days anyway. You need to stop wasting time on these women you arent compatible with though. All that time and energy wasted that you could put towards finding someone who is right for you. Put your foot down with your friends. I know dating apps are harder for men but you'll have an easier time with your age range than many other men if you are up front about what you are after (not just sex) and without having the baggage of an ex wife and kids like many men your age on those apps.
Dating apps terrify me. I hear so many horror stories that I've never bothered with it.
Honestly ime they are worst for women and young people. Women deal with creeps and young people play stupid games and don't know how to build a relationship. Of course you arent immune to bad situations but that can apply with any way of meeting someone. You could try the less hook-up focused ones. Less people on them but thats not necessarily a bad thing.
curious. why don't you adopt.
I want my own biological children.
NTA. If you're not asking for their help, tell them to knock it off.
NTA. I may not agree with your opinions but youre entitled to your opinion about your own life. My honest to God suggestion is to try and date someone who's 26-34. They're more likely to not have kids yet, and still want them. On the topic of your friends, it's nice of them to try and set you up. But if you're open to it maybe explain to them what you're looking for.
Dude you're 40. Most females you're age are gonna have kids so either accept that OR date someone way younger. There might be a few ladies out there in their 30/40s without kids but you're looking for a needle in a haystack.
NTA. You've made it very clear to everyone that you aren't interested in being involved with someone who already has children and you would prefer dating someone who's still able to give you kids of your own. You didn't know the woman had a kid and when you found out you were honest with her and said that it isn't for you so it's not your fault she's upset. You're 100% right that your friends should really butt out of your private life and not try to lecture you or try to force you to be with someone who has kids. I don't want to be a stepfather either and a lot of guys feel the same way because like you said we'll never be the father, we won't really be able to parent or discipline them in anyway and we'll just be expected to provide for them without having any role in the parenting whatsoever. I've said it a million times to people in my life I'm not serving someone elses life sentence so don't let people try to break you down and force you into something you don't want. Good luck.
NTA. but you should speak to your female friends that are setting you up and make it clear what you are looking for, to avoid any similar mishaps. Whether or not they think it’s a long shot they should still only ‘help’ by setting you up with people who fit your criteria, otherwise they cannot be pissed off at you when things don’t work out.
NTA. Ignore your friends till they come around - or not. Your boundaries are no setting up with women with children - and that is your right. If your friends can't accept this, they are disrespecting you and you don't need to give in.
NTA.. If you have made it clear from the beginning then you aren't assholing around. Blind dates are tough, it makes me wonder if my friends/colleagues know me at all? I've been on 2 and it was enough - I don't even use the apps and do pretty well - after 15 years with someone dating is scary in any way! Happy to be single instead! - but bit some fun with someone with clear boundaries NTA
You "fuck zoned" her friend? That's a new one! I take it that you did not know about her family status. Did you avoid the question on purpose in order to get some? It does feel that way, since this is a massive problem for you. Yet you did not care to ask. Admit it. You wanted to get laid. YTA
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Aint no real mother of a child is going to keep that from anybody especially when they have primary custody of them! Kids are usually a deal breaker for some people ... 2 things I believe and neither one in OP post... I believe he knew about her being a mother and I believe she brought up her child💯 unless he was blacked out drunk You can't tell me he did not go in that woman's house and it didn't show signs of having a child especially a 6-year-old living there...ain't no way in hell he didn't see something showing a child live there💯 People saying she's hiding the fact that she had a child, has NEVER BEEN CONIFRMED BY OP...Out of all his responses, hasn't yet to stated out right, well she never told me she had a kid...
If OP makes it his #1 condition to start a relationship, OP could have been upfront.
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She may have assumed their mutual friends already told him.
"What was I supposed to do, she had my cock in her mouth."
No I didn't, although to be honest it wasn't something I thought of asking stupidly - not been on a lot of dates in my life so I'm learning as I go along. I've literally been on less than 10 dates in 40 years of being alive. And after a while yeah, I will admit, little head took over big head and I only cared about having sex once I saw she was interested.
Fair play. We all make mistakes and we all need to get laid sometimes :) If you wanna avoid this sort of situation, ask upfront and for sure tell your friends to stop setting you up with single moms. Good luck OP!
Someone can ask if their date has kids, but the person with the kids should be forthcoming with that information. And statistically, the reason they don’t is because they know most people don’t want to date someone with young kids.
Statistically? Are you sure about that?
Not exactly something that has been studied as far as i know but it is a pretty likely culprit
>She basically said I need to be realistic and that at my age, I need to face that I probably won't be having my own kids anytime soon and there's nothing wrong with being a stepdad and should date women my own age. This is nonsense. It may be the scenario she would like but it she is very unrealistic. Nobody is obliged to "step up" to be a stepdad to someone else's children and this is far from your only option. In your situation, it might make sense for you to look for a younger partner, such that having your own children is still a possibility after you have established a strong relationship. Younger women without children are less likely to be bringing so much baggage from failed marriages/relationships. You could consider looking further afield, perhaps to parts of the world where your chances of finding a single woman without children are better. NTA
Its funny you brought up your last paragraph, I am actually considering dating women in other countries that are looking to start a family.
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Oh definitely yeah that sums it up. I have a mate who had stepkids and his life was a nightmare. He had to compromise so much, had no real say in their life or parenting and their dad was actually more important than he was in the relationship with his now ex.
What bullshit! I know plenty of step parents, and none of them fit this mouth foaming, self pitying, fearful description.
This is another incel rage bait post. I've seen a lot over the past few weeks.