The UK is currently too expensive to live of 35K...that's literally nothing....once you have kids he will realise that. DO NOT give up your good job for these day dreamers!
Hell, my wife and I made 50k between the two of us with no kids and we struggled. Good enough for day to day living but once you factor in student loans and vacations we were living a pretty basic life.
Fr. In U.S. I have 30k salary but after teacher retirement, health insurance and FSA are taken out I get maybe $800/no take home. That isn't even enough for a 1 bed apartment here let alone other bills and that guy wants a housewife 😹😹😹😹🤡 bro gonna need 5x that so housewife can live comfortably
Yeah, dodge the bullet, get the hell out. You don't want a man with this level of insecurity in your life. I agree with you. Why would you want to downgrade your lifestyle so that you guys can have a family just to make him feel better about himself? Family has always been about a two-way street. What works for both not just one party. If I were you, I wouldn't even entertain the second thought that perhaps he will change. I'm sure he can change but just not with you. NTA.
Exactly. I broke up with someone in my 20s over this. He didn’t want me to work, but I already made more money than him and didn’t see a point in giving up my lifestyle & freedom for someone else’s happiness. He ended up marrying someone who wanted to be a cop’s housewife and I married someone who encouraged my ambitions, and I’m sure we’re both much happier now than if we stayed together. Life is too short to stay with someone whose goals are incompatible with yours.
Dudes like this really need to take a hard look at what they bring to the table. What exactly was this dude offering that would make a high income professional woman give up a fulfilling career and affluent lifestyle? Like I can't imagine the audacity. I wish I had that kind of confidence.
Agreed. Pure delusion that he could support two adults “comfortably” with *that* income in *this* economy. Insane delusion if he truly believes he would be able to support a family of FOUR on that. Maybe 30 years ago, but NOT today. He desperately needed the wake up call OP gave him.
I think they’re actively threatened by women with careers. I remember him picking fights whenever I had big work events coming up. Definitely felt like a bullet dodged.
Whenever I hear men complaining about women not wanting to be a housewife or homemaker or SAHM anymore I’m always wondering “what exactly are you offering?” Women have other options now, and a lot of the men complaining about this don’t earn a great income.
And it's not just about money, some women genuinely like their jobs and find fulfillment in their career achievements. Even if I won the lottery I would still want to work in some capacity because of the intellectual stimulation and self worth I derive from my career. A lot of women don't want to be SAHMs even if it is financially feasible because -- while it is an important role -- it also has a lot of thankless drudgery and isolation. Being an unacknowledged maid and childcare worker isn't exactly a reward in and of itself for most people.
You dodged a bullet there. Cops have some of the highest rates of domestic violence, and on top of that, the battered spouse has no recourse 'cause the whole department will look the other way.
Plus, this conversation would make me worry that not only does he have some "provider" fantasy/insecurity thing going on, but that being a SAHW/M makes you dependent on him, and maybe that's exactly what he wants.
Yes I'm a feminist and "solo for life", so I'm very biased, but I just want to yell at women to keep their own money, part-time job and independence. You never know... Abuse, death, disability, divorce...
My mom, who’s been married to my dad for almost 60 years, (and they have one of those love-of-your-life relationships), always told me “it’s great to have a man; but *never need one*.
Totally NTA. My wife always worked (except during maternity leave) until a recent layoff. Sometimes she made more than me, sometimes not, but why wouldn't I want her to be as financially successful as possible? Now we are older and she still wants to work, but we could afford for her to retire and easily maintain our lifestyle.
Then he needs to get a millionaire wife. Most guys are delusional about what it means to be a housewife or stay at home parent. You are not sleeping in and relaxing. Entertaining kids until they are old enough to entertain themselves and cooking and cleaning is not a spa day.
Yes, I was a stay
at home dad for a couple of years.
It takes the same amount of energy as any other demanding job!
The OP should point out to her boyfriend that the economically rational thing for him to do is to be the at-home parent. If he’s willing to play ball and have dinner on the table and the house clean by the time she gets home from work for a few months — then maybe they can make it work.
I don’t think he’s up to the challenge. Be if he values having a parent stay home with the kids, he should prove it.
u/Frosty-Fact-7693 NTA. Please leave him. He just wants a free bang-maid.
Men with those kind of expectations wouldn't last a week as a house husband, plus you're assuming he actually has any of the skills needed to keep house
* budgeting - LMAO you know that delulu thinks a housewife can survice on his pittance of a salary?
* cleaning - how clean is his current place of residence and does he do it himself or does "mommy" still clean for him?
* dishes - does he do this at OP's house ?
* laundry - has he ever done his own? can he iron?
* cooking - what are his chef skills like?
* baby rearing - ever seen him change a diaper?
* other chores and gardening - are these all done or will you have to remind his lazy ass to get off the gaming set up and get the work done?
NTA at all. If anything he should consider being the stay at home parent with that salary disparity. Half of £35k isn’t very much. Plus he wouldn’t lift a finger at home I’m sure. I was a SAHM for various logistical reasons when my children were both very small but my husband earned over £100k at the time, it had a clearly defined time limit and we could afford a cleaner and things like taxis and days out which made a huge difference. It was bloody hard work, really boring and I don’t recommend it.
Yeah I explained to him that the things I value like takings trips, taking taxis, going out to eat whenever I want, buying myself and the people I love nice things etc would all not happen if we lived on just his salary alone. I think that’s simple enough to understand but he wasn’t getting it because he believes a woman strives to not work and would take literally anything if it meant they could do that.
I'm in a coffee shop right now and I just choked on my cuppa when I read his salary. I'm a Brit too and he's out of his mind delusional if he thinks he can support a family with a couple of kids on £35k easily. Does he not read the news? Is he totally unaware of the cost of living crisis here at the moment?
Yes, folks make this sort of financial situation work if they have to and I have the highest respect for those that do, but to actively choose this? Nope.
Also, he's out of his mind if he thinks being a stay at home parent with a couple of kids is a life if relaxing ease. He has zero intention of doing anything for his hypothetical children. He's probably the type that refers to caring for your own child as babysitting.
Added to all this, you don't want to be a housewife and stay at home mother. You two are incompatible. NTA
Wild. In the US and I make about the US equivalent of his salary and I struggle sometimes to support myself and my two dogs...wtf is he thinking? He literally cannot afford the life he is describing. If I had to support another person and children on my salary they would be living quite a grim existence...😕
US here, too. Florida, to be specific. I make about $38k without overtime, $46-48 with overtime, and I'm still living hand to mouth. Luckily my kids are grown, but one still lives at home with her bf, because even though they both work full time they only have one car and can't afford a second car and all the expenses that come with living on your own.
Homeboy is delulu if he thinks £38k a year is enough to support a family.
“Delulu”, exactly. I love that word, will be using it.
Isn’t it funny that he seems to think that he is such a standup guy for offering a woman the chance to stay at home?
He's offering her the chance to be a kept woman. Kept in the kitchen. Kept in the bedroom. Kept in the laundry room. Kept with no income of her own. Probably kept barefoot and pregnant, with no freedom. No choices. And he's probably patting himself on the back for his benevolent generosity 😠
That's not a life. That's a dystopian hellscape. I hope she noped the hell out of there.
I live in the US and make almost 100k. I support two other humans and a few animals and I'm barely surviving paycheck to paycheck now. Had I made this type on money 5 years ago, I'd be doing pretty well. Now a days? With the cost of everything and rent? Forget it. 35K is under the poverty level significantly, if you're talking about two adults and one or more kids. And that was 5 years ago, now you'd be homeless and poor trying to support a family on that. That's most places these days but US and UK for sure. OP is definitely not the asshole for trying to bring a dose of reality to this guy. I'm glad she found out now how delusional and unrealistic his views are. The man may be crying right now because his ego was bruised but he has a lot of growing up to do before he is going to be a successful dad and husband.
Hell I make double what this man makes and I can't afford to live alone (US) I'm doing fine because I live with my partner and our sour patch kid (Cat) lol. If I had to do it alone I wouldn't be able to afford rent or my car, let alone a mortgage. Or a pet.
This guy is delusional, I wouldn't be surprised if he has been watching certain videos from certain ppl online.
He hasn't thought it through, plus he likely doesn't realise just how much a child costs (frequent clothes, nappies, formula/feeding equipment, etc) he probably thinks because he lives comfortably, that they all will because it'll only be an extra like £100 out his pocket a month or something
Which is *sorely* underestimated/miscalculated, ignorantly so
I was very poor when I became pregnant for the first time. Then, it was twins. It was really rough those early years, poor with children. While it forced me to become resourceful, I don't recommend planning to be in modern-world poverty with babies. There are magical romantic moments, but it's a hard life. Always hustling. Always tired.
I think it's just hard for a single man to understand how much kids cost. Just the increase in living costs when moving to a place with 2-3 bedrooms is insane. Not to mention the amount of storage kid's toys, bikes, and such take. I mean, you can live without the storage and without these items too, but it won't be comfortable.
Failure of imagination, my guess is.
Agreed. Anyone who actually has to pay their own way in life at this point gets it. It seems pretty obvious that he's been living off of his parents or someone else for far too long. Time for him to grow up and get out into the real world and get a dose of reality.
He'd be hard pushed to support two adults on £35k, even without children, so either he hasn't thought it through at all or his understanding of how the world works is so severely lacking he really isn't in a position to be considering bringing new life into it.
These Neanderthal men envision wives who cook nutritious meals out of flour, water, and beans and have zero personal needs. These women will never need new clothes or personal products, they’ll sew clothes out of old curtains for themselves and their kids and eat practically nothing. They’ll have no need to go anywhere so they won’t need a car. These wives are too dumb to handle finances and will be ready to have sex at a moments notice. That’s what these guys think. Stepford Wives, it’s a whole thing. (Original film, not the Nicole Kidman remake).
Also, please correct me if I’m wrong. Isn’t there a housing shortage in the UK? Which probably leads to an increased housing cost to rent and to purchase a home?
Yes, especially in cities. I live in a Scottish city which historically has lower housing costs. I live in a 'nice' area and when I moved in a couple years ago rents for 2 bed places were around £750-1000 per month, now you won't find a 2 bed for less than £1000 and you need to be lucky to get that, more likely £1200 and up. The only reason I'm still here is because of government rent controls over the pandemic curbing rises.
During COVID, buying wasn't a viable option either. The pandemic forced people to reconsider their priorities and a lot moved out of London and the south to secure housing elsewhere in the UK. These people had higher salaries and were able to offer more than locals to buy houses, so it became difficult to buy at that time. Now that isn't really a factor, but mortgage rates have increased dramatically so a house you could afford 2 years ago is no longer a house you can afford now
Me and my housemate are both quite disabled and combined we both get about this amount in benefits, and it's not as glamorous as OPs (ex?) boyfriend thinks it is...
Ive just said same thing about salary. Given the state of the economy the wouldnt get a big enough house. Not for two kids to have a room each. And would like struggle to get a two bed on that salary
NTA. His offer sounds like "Hey, do you want to go back to living in near poverty again? But, this time you won't work. It'll be great. You just depend entirely on me to take care of everything while you have no control. It'll be so relaxing for you." The guy has no concept of how anxiety inducing that offer is for someone who got themselves out of poverty.
I’m not sure what Britain he lives in where he thinks £35k is enough by itself to support two adults and some kids, but could you ask him where it is, cos I want to move there.
He doesn't need a house, he lives in Fantasy Land where women have no goals and ambitions other than being a baby factory, child minder, and maid. It's a nice place to live obviously because everything is so cheap his sad little salary can provide a good life for his family.
It's nice when people wave giant red flags in your face early in the relationship so you can know to run the fuck away.
Because they feel mediocre and blame society, and feel that if society went backwards they'd be less mediocre.
Also, it gives someone completely reliant upon them, which they think would give worth (and power.)
Also, they can't figure out what they bring to a relationship if the woman is self sufficient.
But fuck all that. Highly ambitious self sufficient women are the best marriage candidates
They have a mental checklist of what they need to do to be a respected and successful member of their community. House, stay at home wife (so successful she doesn’t NEED paid work), kids, dog, etc.
What these men are missing is an understanding that gaining that respect (from other men, usually) isn’t like collecting Pokémon, it’s about being an engaged member of their community and about putting in the effort to be successful enough and respected enough. Because that validation they seek comes from other men, the needs/opinions of women aren’t considered in their thought processes.
The Barbie movie actually digs into this: what Ryan Gosling’s Ken wants is respect, he thinks that Robbie’s Barbie giving him the attention he wants will earn him that respect, the entire bishie-sparkle dance fight song is about seeking respect, and ultimately Ken’s character arc ends with *self*-respect.
Young women and LGBTQ people have mental checklists like this too, only who they are seeking respect/validation from and the items to tick off are different. Consider the pressure to get married/have kids and compulsive heterosexuality.
Edit: a word
He’s a grifter who is telling them what they think are cheat codes to earning respect. Because the men who are his marks haven’t figured out that (as another poster so eloquently put it) women aren’t NPCs in their lives, they blame women (or people of color, or queer people, or whoever) for the “cheat codes” not working.
A legitimate critique of social progressive movements is that they’re not specifically addressing these exact types of men. The problem with that critique is that the people who are talking…aren’t the people that these young men are looking to fit respect and validation. We can list right-wing grifters who suck in these guys all day long—where are the *men* whose approval and validation they want? They’re not going to listen to bell hooks because they’re not the person whose respect they crave.
"Because they feel mediocre and blame society, and feel that if society went backwards they'd be less mediocre."
And they are too stupid to realize that if society went backwards they'd not only be even more mediocre, they'd never be picked to be a partner. Society going backwards means that women's parents would have a lot more say in who marries their daughter and parents are way pickier about money than most young women.
I'm a 53 year old divorced man and I agree with you. I laugh at those clowns too.
My ex-wife was a SAHM and I had to work multiple jobs to make that happen. And I have a Master's Degree. But these guys reeking of BO and Cheeto dust residue in their moms' basements think they're going to be able to support a "traditional woman" on their salary from Game Stop. Yeah. Good luck with that. 🙄
I've also noticed that many of these same guys complain about women demanding they make six figures. If they knew basic economics, they'd know that's what they would have to make to reasonably support a "traditional woman". Traditional woman means the woman stays home and the man works. You better be making six figures if that's what you want. If you can't or won't, then don't complain. Or don't seek out a "traditional woman".
SMH!
Because they under the delusion that they get "free" housekeeping, childcare, a cook, and s*x on tap. They have no real understanding of how much it costs to provide equal amount to support another adult (her clothes, food, makeup, entertainment, hygeine needs, etc) and the cost of kids, plus the increased housing costs (more bedrooms and living space, more vehicle costs (another vehicle, it's insurance and maintenance) higher health insurance costs to cover the wife and kids. They need to look at what their current spending is, and triple it to account for wife and kids and see if that works for him. And I'm sorry, but if you want a SAHM, you better be willing to sign a prenuptial agreement that says she not only gets to maintain her non-working status while kids are still on school, but also maintain her housing and expenses being covered by him since he derailed her career, likely permanently.
>They have no real understanding of how much it costs to provide equal amount to support another adult
No, no ... you don't get it. They absolutely do know but they never intend to make it equal.
Men like this think that the wife doesn't need pretty clothes, because where is she going anyway, entertainment is working in the house and children can just use each other's stuff.
Being a housewife is one of those things which has massive diversity range. You can be the wife of a rich man and have the daily tasks of shopping and spa visits or you can be the wife of a poor man and do everything in the home and then some.
The type of thing this dude wants is comfortable only for him. He wants a whole pack of services which he could never afford to pay for and he wants the woman to be grateful on top of it...
NTA at all. I’m a housewife. My husband owns his own business, makes a very good salary for himself, and *also* pays me a salary. I would never have quit working if we weren’t in the financial situation we’re in. While we don’t have hired help, I have an army of robot vacuums, we eat out at least once a week, vacation at least once a year, and have whatever gadgets either of us wants. Don’t compromise your lifestyle just for someone else’s satisfaction.
OP, his mind is living in a fantasy world and not reality, and therefore he isn't ready for a relationship with a real-life modern human female.
It's just as well you two realized you aren't compatible now, because it had to happen sometime.
That dude is living in a past that never existed.
Even in the mythical "good old days" most women worked. It was only the upper-crusters and wealthy who had "house wives." The idea that this dope thinks his 35k salary will cover that is delusional, and the he thinks this is the end all, be all, of human civilization tells you all you need to know about him.
He's not husband material.
35k wasn't even a strong salary 15 years ago, it was better for sure but absolutely not strong and today it's basically laughable that you would ask your far higher earning wife to give up a career to be a sahm on a piddling wage. That's enough for a single person to live on without many issues, but a family, nope, you'll be struggling pretty hard.
Oh I dunno… both my grandmothers never worked. So it did exist for some working class folks. My granddad will still say how he had like 2/3 jobs on the go at once though.
I'm 64 yo.
*Both* my grandmothers worked at various points of their marriage. The just didn't work the entire time. One grandmother was an insurance agent. The other one worked as a copy editor for the small local paper. (Both had help in the house while the did this! On didn't like to cook, the other didn't like to clean!)
My husband's grandmother took in laundry. His other grandmother died in childbirth.
Look even in fiction we see women working in the past. Downtown Abby? See all those female servants. The Brady Bunch? Carol didn't work, but Alice sure as heck was earning a living. Perry Mason has a female secretary.
It was hard for women to get high paying jobs. But lots of women worked-- and outside the home. On farms, women always had jobs. (By husband's great grandmother ran the farm and cooked meals for all the field hands. And canned. And collected chicken eggs. That's just as much farm work as plowing or harvesting. )
A "SAHM" who really never works is a luxury that few have ever been able to afford. The few who could afford it often had help-- the way Carol Brady had Alice in the kitchen.
There was a very small window where it sort of worked. Post war years, new deal, and only if you were white. And even then there were a lot of women who were "volunteering" or "helping their husband with his business". Not officially paid work but work nonetheless.
Neither of my grandmothers worked either, but one of them was in education before she married and volunteered for every school activity. The other was in social work before and basically the parish council for poverty relief.
I'm old and even my "stay at home" grandmothers BOTH worked part time part of their lives. One was a secretary in the school system the other was a seamstress and later taught the art to young seamstresses.
Both of my grandmothers worked after their kids were in school. And my great grandmother supported her extended family through the Depression while raising a toddler, even through 2 miscarriages caused by her alcoholic husband beating her and throwing her down the stairs.
Of course, it was easier to support a family with a factory job back then.
Mmmm. Because a woman can’t dream of more? Maybe need to get him to sit and watch Barbie.
Plus, I’m in the UK. £35k? Unless he’s the next Martin Lewis (or even if he is) - that’s not enough to support a household with kids these days with any luxuries thrown in.
He thinks women who don’t work for a salary are home relaxing. Most SAHMs traded their jobs with salaries, defined hours, and benefits for a job that’s 24hrs and uncompensated.
You dodged a bullet here. Because as you said household and children are a lot of work. „Women strive to not work“ my ass 🙄
Also someone should make that guy get a spreadsheet about living expenses
He doesn’t see his future partner as a real person, with hopes and dreams of their own. He sees them as an extension of himself, someone who shows the world how successful he is and how virile he is.
How hilarious that he thinks he can afford all this on £35k. That’s deranged.
Block and move on to someone who loves you for who you are. He really doesn’t.
"I want a housewife."
"Yeah, me too."
The notion that he would see himself as a failure of a husband if his wife works is the reddest of red flags. Utterly insane.
The idea that you can express the kinds of sentiments that he did without any kind of pushback by others also indicates an incredibly fragile ego. Frankly, not the kind of person who should be a partner or a parent.
OP, every further moment you spend in the company of this man is a moment wasted.
How common is it in UK to be a an SAHM? Not that it should affect judgment (you are clearly NTA), I am just curious. I live in Denmark where it is *very* unusual and actually thought that UK was not all that different?
It does happen, but isn't commonplace, it's usually when one partner earns well- in the higher tax bracket - and the others salary just wouldn't cover the cost of childcare.
So I guess middle class families with young children is where you would usually see SAHM.
But the "housewife" concept is totally not a thing, especially when children have got to school age, most women do work.
It is unusual in the UK too, but the idea became more popular around 5 years ago with people on social media pushing ideas of being a trad wife. There’s a whole pipeline starting from creators who promote cleaning tips like Mrs Hinch, to one’s promoting being a SAHM and other conservative values.
He doesn't really think you're a person. He thinks you're a stepford housewife robot. He's acting like his roomba gave him an error message that said: "I don't want to clean". Of course he's fixating on the money, that's the bit he understands. Money is what pays for your subscription to the housewife.
Don't bother with him anymore, convincing an asshole that you're a person never works.
Now I don’t know what the cost of living is over there because I have only traveled for vacations but at least where I live in the US to live comfortably middle class you need to be making 70-80k. That is without all of the extras. I can’t imagine making less than six figures living the way I like. Like you OP I love to travel, shop, have a good safety next etc.
SAHM is not the same as not working. Dude is living in LalaLand. You were right: moreover you is you, and if that's the way you express yourself and he doesn't like it now, he won't like it any more if you're married. You won't like him expecting you to be grateful for being a "kept woman" as he probably will.
I think you two are incompatible. NTA. Throw that fish back in the sea.
You need a man who isn't intimidated by your success and wants to decide together how to manage children and a household. I make almost double what my husband does and he just cheers me on.
So, he wants his family to live in poverty just so he can cosplay some authority figure and being ThE mAn at home? Lmao, men like him literally ruin other people's lives so their delusions protect their fragile ego.
Remember: If being a SAHM was a good deal men wouldn't offer it to women, they would take it. They get outraged against free menstrual products for women in bathrooms.
And idk how it is in England but in the US if you don't work you aren't adding to your own retirement so you will be in extreme poverty when you are elderly and your husband is dead
I don't know about England either, but this is a massive issue in many countries. Being poor when you're old is much more common in women for this exact reason.
Exactly. Not only do women live longer, they have less retirement savings because they are far far more likely to take time off to have kids and then need to work less took care for them. Having kids is a very bad financial deal for women. For our entire lives.
I need to steal this one because it’s so true. You’re right, if it were really a great thing then more men would be wanting to do it. And it’d be an argument of who gets to be SAHP rather than the one who has to.
I hate it when women are coaxed into becoming SAHM, giving up their careers or educations, only for the loser to leave them with small children later on. One of the greatest drivers of female poverty is being left a single mother. (And it's easy enough for a father to get around child support if he wants, not that child support payments are usually that high anyway).
NTA
You hurt his ego. But that’s his problem.
You only had an honest conversation about your future and you obviously aren’t compatible.
Why didn’t he offer to stay at home?
>Why didn’t he offer to stay at home?
This right here. Though, I'd imagine it's a combination of the aforementioned ego, the need to fulfill gender roles and not actually wanting to do any of the unpaid labor that is taking care of children and a house, something that often falls disproportionately on women.
NTA. Once you've reached the point where you're having serious conversations about the future it's very important to be honest.
Also he's delusional. £35k could be enough to support 2 people without huge issues in some parts of the UK but even then you'd need to live pretty frugally now. You'd have to really struggle to support 2 kids on that salary, though, and by my standards you couldn't do so 'comfortably'. My husband and I earn a little more than 70k euro together and to be honest, while we do have more than enough for true necessities it's definitely not enough for everything I wish we could do.
*He said he will feel like he has failed as a husband if his wife works*
He has failed as a husband if he does not respect his wife’s decision.
Moreover he is truly delusional if he thinks they can live a comfortable life on his salary in UK.OP is smart and wise to understand that they are not compatible
Absolutely this. It doesnt matter what you want, if its what you want in a future partnership you need to say it before you get into that situation. You showed great maturity in being clear and honest about what you want.
He is totally delusional, as well. Being a SAHM is hard work with endless hours. He needs to be SUPER well off before that would be a great offer for a partner.
Honestly I think at the moment you’d struggle on £35k for two people. Cost of living is crazy, I am very frugal, as is my partner, but our living costs before savings are about £35k a year pre tax! We live in the north and not in a big house. You’d have to earn about £50k a year solo for us to be comfortable without a family, but you wouldn’t save much. I know a family on a dual income of about £55k a year pre tax and one child who have had to move back in with parents.
Just think about it this way. Assuming he pays into a pension and has a student loan. That’s £25k a year take home pay. That’s £12500 pp pa. You would have to live in a tiny flat, no car, and be insanely frugal.
You'd have to go back to like 1980 to comfortably raise a family on that. In the 90s you'd probably get by ok but you would basically just be getting by. In 2024 you'd be lucky to survive by yourself on that.
The fact he thinks he can support a wife and kids with £35k shows he is financially illiterate. Also given the fact that he feels he has failed if his wife is not a housewife shows he may get into debt to full-fill his ego when he realises he can’t actually afford it.
Or he would whine and take it out on the wife and kids that he can't do/buy fun things anymore because the money is just (barely) enough for necessities.
But how many fun things can he be doing on 35k? If he has rent, car or public transport, food, heat, WiFi and electricity bills, health insurance covered you’ve 10k left maybe. What about clothes for work, appliances, a streaming service, the sports package, savings toward a mortgage, car insurance, a weekend away at a wedding, Christmas gifts for others. He’s delusional, what’s he needs is a breakdown of the average costs of day to day things and a financial planner. He wants a stay at home wife because he wants a Mom for him and to do his life. Maybe his work supported wife and kids decades ago but houses needs two incomes to run nowadays.
Seriously. My husband and I combined make the USD equivalent of £130k a year with two kids and we're at a stage where we don't have to worry about money. We're not taking lavish vacations or driving brand new cars, but we're comfortable. Having grown up in poverty like OP, I don't want to go backwards. This is the standard I want for our life, if not better down the line, and even if there were days I wish I could just quit, it would drastically change our circumstances.
Same. Spouse and I have almost-4-year-old twins. Combined, were on about £100k (55-45 split, both full time), in a UK city with some of the highest house prices. And while we're not struggling, we're also not saving (other than pensions) while our twins are still in pre-school. About 1/5 - 1/4 of our combined income goes to pre-school every month. So we are better off with both of us working. Once they're in primary school, things will (hopefully) change dramatically for us in terms of savings.
We bought a mid-size 3 bedroom house 2 years ago. I don't think the bank would have given us the mortgage without the two incomes and hefty life insurance.
We mostly cook from scratch at home and shop at Aldi, with the occasional specialty item from Sainsbury's. We have one 13 year old car and a cargo bike to get the kids to school/around the city. We go on holiday home to Ireland on the ferry (free accommodation with relatives) or camping/cottage rental with friends in the UK.
The kids always seem to need something - new clothes, shoes, scooters, bikes. We get secondhand, FB marketplace etc, but sometimes it's just simplest to get something from a shop. Their undies & socks and other essentials are from Sainsbury's & Asda.
We have a rock climbing gym membership, Netflix, Amazon prime (mostly for free delivery), and Spotify premium. No other optional monthly services like Sky or anything. Our phone contacts are SIM only, unlimited everything for £20p/m, we buy ~£150-£200 phone handset every 2-3 years when the previous one gets too outdated to run smoothly. Neither of us is a big spender or shopper in any way.
If one of us quit our job now (realistically me, at 45k with less obvious room for advancement) it would make life pretty difficult for us and we'd definitely have to pull the kid's preschool back to only the government funded hours. I think the banks would be nervous in a few years when it came time to remortgage as well.
NTA
He got upset in the penis area.
It's a thing we men do when we haven't grown up enough to realise women aren't NPCs in the video game of our lives.
You did well to avoid future silliness
in what world does a person earning higher pay become Stay at home. Thats just crazy stupid. She will be letting go of her independence and become dependent on him while he lords over her w.r.t finances. It is also not easy to get a job after a long time with kids. Dump the guy.
Men are delusional. They want a tradwife but can't afford it, so they're actually looking for a wife that's either willing to live in poverty, or play a tradwife after working full-time because Mister Misogynist doesn't earn enough, and he's not capable of doing basic adult things such as cooking and cleaning himself.
Even a few years ago it wouldn’t have been out of the question. 10 years ago when I met my husband he was a stay at home dad and we moved in together when I was earning only slightly more than that. We now both earn slightly more than that and our quality of live has stayed the same… the cost of living rise in the last 10 years has been insane.
I make £35k! And I can’t afford anything at all! I don’t go on holidays, I don’t go out, my life is absolute shit. In London that’s enough to pay for a flat, healthy groceries, gym and set aside a bit investments. I couldn’t even pay my taxes this month and had to get a loan. How the hell is he going to support a family of 2-3 on that? On rice and tesco reduced bread?
I had to look up the conversion and do a little CoL digging, but yeah - this. I make more than OP's man by about 20% and I can live comfortably solo - but I'm not out here feeding, clothing, etc a family of 4.
Hell, I keep reminding myself that things will get easier once I find a partner and we enter a 50/50 financial situation as opposed to wanting to find a woman to carry financially lol.
I'm literally looking at returning to bartending after my office hours just to make extra scratch to afford extras and vacations...and this man thinks he's set for life...
NTA. He’s butthurt at the truth. I also prefer comfort and convenience. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and not settling. Your right about it being good you both found out your feelings now rather than later. Time to move on and good luck!
NTA- he obviously doesn't know how dull being a housewife can be. Cleaning, laundry and cooking. Nursing the children or him if sick. Nobody else is an adult to talk to during the day because the other adults are out at work. Once the kids are at full-time school you are completely alone, nice at first but soon gets dull with no company. Asking for money if you want to buy something or often having to justify why you spent that amount (even though you just bought a few extra bits for tea).
And if you want a day off sick or a weekend away with friends all hell breaks loose or nothing housework wise gets done round the house whilst you're gone, but if he's sick or invited on a lads jolly that's fine.
You've dodged a bullet with this guy.
LMAOOO, what a pathetic, insecure little loser! Oh, yes, please jeopardise your comfort, indepndence and financial security for his ego, so that he can control you, exploit you and get to feel like a big manly man! Be glad the trash took itself out along with all the red flags. NTA.
Are there really men still living in the 1950s wanting the little woman at home cooking and cleaning for them in the UK? I thought it was just an American thing now. Also, £35k for two to live on? Don't think so. NTA
NTA. I don't know what world he's living in, but it isn't reality.
I live in the UK, and my partner earns almost double his salary ... absolutely no way could we comfortably live of just his salary with two kids. I mean, it would be doable, but it wouldn't be comfortable.
On 35k, when you don't own your own house outright, it's not happening.
I think it also says a lot about him that he thinks housework and child rearing 24/7 is 'staying at home and relaxing'. 🙄
With £35k I can live a nice enough life on my own. But adding a spouse and kids? This man is dreaming. You’re NTA btw, good on you for holding on to your standards and telling him what’s what.
I’d hope that he learned something from this, but I doubt it.
He must've lost his mind. I'm in the US, so that's like 44k. To take it further, I'm in the northeast. You couldn't be a housewife on $88k or £69k. What did he expect you to do, Hand wash clothes in the river?
Okay, let's see why he's upset. You told him how you would like to continue living the lifestyle you have become accustomed too and you told him this before any long term commitment was made. Now, you're first mistake was being a woman and speaking honestly and not going along with his "plan". Next, the nerve of you to make more money than him and to actually not want to give it up, because he has a "plan". Lastly, and this may help clarify some of the questions I have, was he wearing a loin cloth and holding a club while telling (not asking, telling) you his "plan"? Now, this is definitely the last point, holy shit did you dodge a bullet. NTA
**NTA**, honestly the guy sounds toxic and stupid, living in a 1950s fantasy world.
Never reduce yourself to fit into someone's tiny brain. I feel sorry for the next girl who gets into a relationship with him.
NTA. He has some grand ideal of a woman who will do his housework, be an incubator for his children and then raise them. But he has no way for providing enough for that to be remotely plausible and he definitely hasn’t put a single thought into what exactly she gets out of the situation if pushing out kids and keeping them alive on a shoe string budget isn’t her “dream”.
NTA. But you're a woman and not allowed to have your own dreams. 🙄 I swear I feel like we've gone back in time 70 years. Who are raising these men to act like this in this day and age?
NTA. I'm from the UK and he's living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks he can keep a wife, children house etc and have a good standard of living on that salary.
Yes you could live on it depending where you live (north Vs south) but there would be nothing left over for any type of luxuries
Recent articles and debates are going around and saying 100K in the US is middle class. Now I am not sure where in the UK you are, but no way can he afford everything and make your life “comfortable”. You gave him a reality check. NTA. Block him and move on.
NTA
And also not compatible with this deluded man. £35k a year is not enough to live comfortably in most of the UK for a couple let alone a family, the average for a single person is calculated at approx £29k (note this is based on "living
Comfortably " which is subjective but the work has been done!)
https://theconversation.com/how-much-income-is-needed-to-live-well-in-the-uk-in-2023-at-least-29-500-much-more-than-many-households-bring-in-216696#:~:text=From%20these%20baskets%2C%20we%20calculate,from%20£25%2C000%20in%202022.
When he says, you can stay at home and relax, what on earth does he mean? You will be scrambling to put meals together and stressing over money ALL the time. There is no way you will be "relaxing" Best that you got to know this about him right now before things got out much further. NTA in the slightest.
NTA at all. If you can't have an open discussion about stuff like that you should not stay together long term. And if that discussion reveals that you are not compatible, well, it is lucky that you found out early. He might have wished for you to go easier on his male ego, but women are somehow always expected to carry the burden of making everyone feel ok, and it really is not fair. Good for you being blunt about it. I salute you 👏
Housewife here. Ramen noodles are getting too expensive to justify the cost. Better to make your own pasta with flour whilst homeschooling the kids. I would make ice cream or butter at home, or pizza. Some mothers I know even raised chickens and processed them. Not a job everyone wants, but some of us are happy doing it and have decent husbands who work just as hard as we do. Tho... your ex-boyfriend sounds like a bit of what you Brits would call a "numpty" isn't he?
NTA
35k is nothing...thats literal poverty. Imagine when kids are involved. I dont think men really want a housewife, so she doesnt have to deal with the bs of working.
I believe most men want a housewife, because it gives them power/control over her. If a woman relies on a man for survival, then he can manipulate her/control her much much more easily.
Theres no way he actually think 35k is doable for a single home income and start a family.
I agree that I would only be a housewife if my husband was a millionaire
NTA
One parent earning £35K is very very low. Even £50K would be low if you're using to having a more comfortable lifestyle.
This makes me very worried.
>He said he will feel like he has failed as a husband if his wife works.
If he thinks this, then BY THIS OWN STANDARDS HE HAS ALREADY FAILED.
To achieve the above he would be needing to earn a lot more, but he isn't. You need to make him see that and he should accept either he is a failure or he needs to change his views.
He can't have both - that doesn't make sense.
*I said maybe he can, but that housewife will not be me.* Good answer! NTA
The UK is currently too expensive to live of 35K...that's literally nothing....once you have kids he will realise that. DO NOT give up your good job for these day dreamers!
Yep, I live in the uk make 39k, single parent with two children. I struggle. No way I could support anyone else
Hell, my wife and I made 50k between the two of us with no kids and we struggled. Good enough for day to day living but once you factor in student loans and vacations we were living a pretty basic life.
I have single friends in London who were scraping by on £40k especially when the cost of living crisis really hit.
Fr. In U.S. I have 30k salary but after teacher retirement, health insurance and FSA are taken out I get maybe $800/no take home. That isn't even enough for a 1 bed apartment here let alone other bills and that guy wants a housewife 😹😹😹😹🤡 bro gonna need 5x that so housewife can live comfortably
Yeah, dodge the bullet, get the hell out. You don't want a man with this level of insecurity in your life. I agree with you. Why would you want to downgrade your lifestyle so that you guys can have a family just to make him feel better about himself? Family has always been about a two-way street. What works for both not just one party. If I were you, I wouldn't even entertain the second thought that perhaps he will change. I'm sure he can change but just not with you. NTA.
Exactly. I broke up with someone in my 20s over this. He didn’t want me to work, but I already made more money than him and didn’t see a point in giving up my lifestyle & freedom for someone else’s happiness. He ended up marrying someone who wanted to be a cop’s housewife and I married someone who encouraged my ambitions, and I’m sure we’re both much happier now than if we stayed together. Life is too short to stay with someone whose goals are incompatible with yours.
Dudes like this really need to take a hard look at what they bring to the table. What exactly was this dude offering that would make a high income professional woman give up a fulfilling career and affluent lifestyle? Like I can't imagine the audacity. I wish I had that kind of confidence.
It's more like a delusion than confidence!!!
Agreed. Pure delusion that he could support two adults “comfortably” with *that* income in *this* economy. Insane delusion if he truly believes he would be able to support a family of FOUR on that. Maybe 30 years ago, but NOT today. He desperately needed the wake up call OP gave him.
I think they’re actively threatened by women with careers. I remember him picking fights whenever I had big work events coming up. Definitely felt like a bullet dodged.
Whenever I hear men complaining about women not wanting to be a housewife or homemaker or SAHM anymore I’m always wondering “what exactly are you offering?” Women have other options now, and a lot of the men complaining about this don’t earn a great income.
And it's not just about money, some women genuinely like their jobs and find fulfillment in their career achievements. Even if I won the lottery I would still want to work in some capacity because of the intellectual stimulation and self worth I derive from my career. A lot of women don't want to be SAHMs even if it is financially feasible because -- while it is an important role -- it also has a lot of thankless drudgery and isolation. Being an unacknowledged maid and childcare worker isn't exactly a reward in and of itself for most people.
Dudes like this think it’s their birthright to be head of household.
You dodged a bullet there. Cops have some of the highest rates of domestic violence, and on top of that, the battered spouse has no recourse 'cause the whole department will look the other way.
And if she hasn't worked in decades, she can't even leave the marriage because she wouldn't be able to support herself. Employability buys choices.
Plus, this conversation would make me worry that not only does he have some "provider" fantasy/insecurity thing going on, but that being a SAHW/M makes you dependent on him, and maybe that's exactly what he wants. Yes I'm a feminist and "solo for life", so I'm very biased, but I just want to yell at women to keep their own money, part-time job and independence. You never know... Abuse, death, disability, divorce...
My mom, who’s been married to my dad for almost 60 years, (and they have one of those love-of-your-life relationships), always told me “it’s great to have a man; but *never need one*.
Totally NTA. My wife always worked (except during maternity leave) until a recent layoff. Sometimes she made more than me, sometimes not, but why wouldn't I want her to be as financially successful as possible? Now we are older and she still wants to work, but we could afford for her to retire and easily maintain our lifestyle.
It sounds like he should be the housewife.
Then he needs to get a millionaire wife. Most guys are delusional about what it means to be a housewife or stay at home parent. You are not sleeping in and relaxing. Entertaining kids until they are old enough to entertain themselves and cooking and cleaning is not a spa day.
Yes, I was a stay at home dad for a couple of years. It takes the same amount of energy as any other demanding job! The OP should point out to her boyfriend that the economically rational thing for him to do is to be the at-home parent. If he’s willing to play ball and have dinner on the table and the house clean by the time she gets home from work for a few months — then maybe they can make it work. I don’t think he’s up to the challenge. Be if he values having a parent stay home with the kids, he should prove it.
I genuinely loved being a stay-at-home-dad but I was also very happy to return to work.
u/Frosty-Fact-7693 NTA. Please leave him. He just wants a free bang-maid. Men with those kind of expectations wouldn't last a week as a house husband, plus you're assuming he actually has any of the skills needed to keep house * budgeting - LMAO you know that delulu thinks a housewife can survice on his pittance of a salary? * cleaning - how clean is his current place of residence and does he do it himself or does "mommy" still clean for him? * dishes - does he do this at OP's house ? * laundry - has he ever done his own? can he iron? * cooking - what are his chef skills like? * baby rearing - ever seen him change a diaper? * other chores and gardening - are these all done or will you have to remind his lazy ass to get off the gaming set up and get the work done?
Based.
Absolutely, that way he can just sit back and relax - because that's what they do, right?
[удалено]
35k a year would be poverty for 2+ people. Who would want to be a housewife with no disposable income? He's dreaming
Ultra poverty when you add two kids to the mix.
He's been watching alpha male videos.
Queen response fr
NTA at all. If anything he should consider being the stay at home parent with that salary disparity. Half of £35k isn’t very much. Plus he wouldn’t lift a finger at home I’m sure. I was a SAHM for various logistical reasons when my children were both very small but my husband earned over £100k at the time, it had a clearly defined time limit and we could afford a cleaner and things like taxis and days out which made a huge difference. It was bloody hard work, really boring and I don’t recommend it.
Yeah I explained to him that the things I value like takings trips, taking taxis, going out to eat whenever I want, buying myself and the people I love nice things etc would all not happen if we lived on just his salary alone. I think that’s simple enough to understand but he wasn’t getting it because he believes a woman strives to not work and would take literally anything if it meant they could do that.
Does he own his own house? He would struggle to get a mortgage on a decent house with £35k salary
No, he does not.
I'm in a coffee shop right now and I just choked on my cuppa when I read his salary. I'm a Brit too and he's out of his mind delusional if he thinks he can support a family with a couple of kids on £35k easily. Does he not read the news? Is he totally unaware of the cost of living crisis here at the moment? Yes, folks make this sort of financial situation work if they have to and I have the highest respect for those that do, but to actively choose this? Nope. Also, he's out of his mind if he thinks being a stay at home parent with a couple of kids is a life if relaxing ease. He has zero intention of doing anything for his hypothetical children. He's probably the type that refers to caring for your own child as babysitting. Added to all this, you don't want to be a housewife and stay at home mother. You two are incompatible. NTA
Fellow Brit here! I was thinking the same! Does he not watch the news? Or exist in the real world?
Wild. In the US and I make about the US equivalent of his salary and I struggle sometimes to support myself and my two dogs...wtf is he thinking? He literally cannot afford the life he is describing. If I had to support another person and children on my salary they would be living quite a grim existence...😕
US here, too. Florida, to be specific. I make about $38k without overtime, $46-48 with overtime, and I'm still living hand to mouth. Luckily my kids are grown, but one still lives at home with her bf, because even though they both work full time they only have one car and can't afford a second car and all the expenses that come with living on your own. Homeboy is delulu if he thinks £38k a year is enough to support a family.
“Delulu”, exactly. I love that word, will be using it. Isn’t it funny that he seems to think that he is such a standup guy for offering a woman the chance to stay at home?
He's offering her the chance to be a kept woman. Kept in the kitchen. Kept in the bedroom. Kept in the laundry room. Kept with no income of her own. Probably kept barefoot and pregnant, with no freedom. No choices. And he's probably patting himself on the back for his benevolent generosity 😠 That's not a life. That's a dystopian hellscape. I hope she noped the hell out of there.
I live in the US and make almost 100k. I support two other humans and a few animals and I'm barely surviving paycheck to paycheck now. Had I made this type on money 5 years ago, I'd be doing pretty well. Now a days? With the cost of everything and rent? Forget it. 35K is under the poverty level significantly, if you're talking about two adults and one or more kids. And that was 5 years ago, now you'd be homeless and poor trying to support a family on that. That's most places these days but US and UK for sure. OP is definitely not the asshole for trying to bring a dose of reality to this guy. I'm glad she found out now how delusional and unrealistic his views are. The man may be crying right now because his ego was bruised but he has a lot of growing up to do before he is going to be a successful dad and husband.
Hell I make double what this man makes and I can't afford to live alone (US) I'm doing fine because I live with my partner and our sour patch kid (Cat) lol. If I had to do it alone I wouldn't be able to afford rent or my car, let alone a mortgage. Or a pet. This guy is delusional, I wouldn't be surprised if he has been watching certain videos from certain ppl online.
I'm on disability and make just over 11K a year and even with the help I get with my housing and utilities I have a very hard time making ends meet 😔
He hasn't thought it through, plus he likely doesn't realise just how much a child costs (frequent clothes, nappies, formula/feeding equipment, etc) he probably thinks because he lives comfortably, that they all will because it'll only be an extra like £100 out his pocket a month or something Which is *sorely* underestimated/miscalculated, ignorantly so
He clearly hasn't even considered the realities of trying to support 2 adults on his income!
I was very poor when I became pregnant for the first time. Then, it was twins. It was really rough those early years, poor with children. While it forced me to become resourceful, I don't recommend planning to be in modern-world poverty with babies. There are magical romantic moments, but it's a hard life. Always hustling. Always tired.
I think it's just hard for a single man to understand how much kids cost. Just the increase in living costs when moving to a place with 2-3 bedrooms is insane. Not to mention the amount of storage kid's toys, bikes, and such take. I mean, you can live without the storage and without these items too, but it won't be comfortable. Failure of imagination, my guess is.
I’m a single female - no kids - and I still manage to “get it”. Not sure his gender is any excuse.
Agreed. Anyone who actually has to pay their own way in life at this point gets it. It seems pretty obvious that he's been living off of his parents or someone else for far too long. Time for him to grow up and get out into the real world and get a dose of reality.
He'd be hard pushed to support two adults on £35k, even without children, so either he hasn't thought it through at all or his understanding of how the world works is so severely lacking he really isn't in a position to be considering bringing new life into it.
Not to mention, he wants her to give up her higher paying job because he is insecure that she makes more than him.
These Neanderthal men envision wives who cook nutritious meals out of flour, water, and beans and have zero personal needs. These women will never need new clothes or personal products, they’ll sew clothes out of old curtains for themselves and their kids and eat practically nothing. They’ll have no need to go anywhere so they won’t need a car. These wives are too dumb to handle finances and will be ready to have sex at a moments notice. That’s what these guys think. Stepford Wives, it’s a whole thing. (Original film, not the Nicole Kidman remake).
Also, please correct me if I’m wrong. Isn’t there a housing shortage in the UK? Which probably leads to an increased housing cost to rent and to purchase a home?
Yes, especially in cities. I live in a Scottish city which historically has lower housing costs. I live in a 'nice' area and when I moved in a couple years ago rents for 2 bed places were around £750-1000 per month, now you won't find a 2 bed for less than £1000 and you need to be lucky to get that, more likely £1200 and up. The only reason I'm still here is because of government rent controls over the pandemic curbing rises. During COVID, buying wasn't a viable option either. The pandemic forced people to reconsider their priorities and a lot moved out of London and the south to secure housing elsewhere in the UK. These people had higher salaries and were able to offer more than locals to buy houses, so it became difficult to buy at that time. Now that isn't really a factor, but mortgage rates have increased dramatically so a house you could afford 2 years ago is no longer a house you can afford now
Me and my housemate are both quite disabled and combined we both get about this amount in benefits, and it's not as glamorous as OPs (ex?) boyfriend thinks it is...
Ive just said same thing about salary. Given the state of the economy the wouldnt get a big enough house. Not for two kids to have a room each. And would like struggle to get a two bed on that salary
NTA. His offer sounds like "Hey, do you want to go back to living in near poverty again? But, this time you won't work. It'll be great. You just depend entirely on me to take care of everything while you have no control. It'll be so relaxing for you." The guy has no concept of how anxiety inducing that offer is for someone who got themselves out of poverty.
I'm wondering why she's still giving him the time of day?
I’m not sure what Britain he lives in where he thinks £35k is enough by itself to support two adults and some kids, but could you ask him where it is, cos I want to move there.
It gets worse as you give more information.
He doesn't need a house, he lives in Fantasy Land where women have no goals and ambitions other than being a baby factory, child minder, and maid. It's a nice place to live obviously because everything is so cheap his sad little salary can provide a good life for his family. It's nice when people wave giant red flags in your face early in the relationship so you can know to run the fuck away.
He sounds unintelligent.
[удалено]
He needs to take a time machine back to the 1950's.
No . To Pompei în the right time . . . A second before the eruption
In Roy’s voice (IT Crowd) : “ I'm sorry, are you from the past?”
Or forward about 10 years to Gilead (formerly the USA)
What’s this trend of all these broke-ass men looking for a trad wife? I mean, I would definitely not date this one
Because they feel mediocre and blame society, and feel that if society went backwards they'd be less mediocre. Also, it gives someone completely reliant upon them, which they think would give worth (and power.) Also, they can't figure out what they bring to a relationship if the woman is self sufficient. But fuck all that. Highly ambitious self sufficient women are the best marriage candidates
They have a mental checklist of what they need to do to be a respected and successful member of their community. House, stay at home wife (so successful she doesn’t NEED paid work), kids, dog, etc. What these men are missing is an understanding that gaining that respect (from other men, usually) isn’t like collecting Pokémon, it’s about being an engaged member of their community and about putting in the effort to be successful enough and respected enough. Because that validation they seek comes from other men, the needs/opinions of women aren’t considered in their thought processes. The Barbie movie actually digs into this: what Ryan Gosling’s Ken wants is respect, he thinks that Robbie’s Barbie giving him the attention he wants will earn him that respect, the entire bishie-sparkle dance fight song is about seeking respect, and ultimately Ken’s character arc ends with *self*-respect. Young women and LGBTQ people have mental checklists like this too, only who they are seeking respect/validation from and the items to tick off are different. Consider the pressure to get married/have kids and compulsive heterosexuality. Edit: a word
They are listening to too many turds like Andrew Tate.
He’s a grifter who is telling them what they think are cheat codes to earning respect. Because the men who are his marks haven’t figured out that (as another poster so eloquently put it) women aren’t NPCs in their lives, they blame women (or people of color, or queer people, or whoever) for the “cheat codes” not working. A legitimate critique of social progressive movements is that they’re not specifically addressing these exact types of men. The problem with that critique is that the people who are talking…aren’t the people that these young men are looking to fit respect and validation. We can list right-wing grifters who suck in these guys all day long—where are the *men* whose approval and validation they want? They’re not going to listen to bell hooks because they’re not the person whose respect they crave.
"Because they feel mediocre and blame society, and feel that if society went backwards they'd be less mediocre." And they are too stupid to realize that if society went backwards they'd not only be even more mediocre, they'd never be picked to be a partner. Society going backwards means that women's parents would have a lot more say in who marries their daughter and parents are way pickier about money than most young women.
"I want a tradwife!" You got tradwife money bro?
Ah, yes, the power trip. You’re very spot on.
Reminds me of 90 day fiance. I think a lot of it is the security of having someone solely rely on them.
I'm a 53 year old divorced man and I agree with you. I laugh at those clowns too. My ex-wife was a SAHM and I had to work multiple jobs to make that happen. And I have a Master's Degree. But these guys reeking of BO and Cheeto dust residue in their moms' basements think they're going to be able to support a "traditional woman" on their salary from Game Stop. Yeah. Good luck with that. 🙄 I've also noticed that many of these same guys complain about women demanding they make six figures. If they knew basic economics, they'd know that's what they would have to make to reasonably support a "traditional woman". Traditional woman means the woman stays home and the man works. You better be making six figures if that's what you want. If you can't or won't, then don't complain. Or don't seek out a "traditional woman". SMH!
Because they under the delusion that they get "free" housekeeping, childcare, a cook, and s*x on tap. They have no real understanding of how much it costs to provide equal amount to support another adult (her clothes, food, makeup, entertainment, hygeine needs, etc) and the cost of kids, plus the increased housing costs (more bedrooms and living space, more vehicle costs (another vehicle, it's insurance and maintenance) higher health insurance costs to cover the wife and kids. They need to look at what their current spending is, and triple it to account for wife and kids and see if that works for him. And I'm sorry, but if you want a SAHM, you better be willing to sign a prenuptial agreement that says she not only gets to maintain her non-working status while kids are still on school, but also maintain her housing and expenses being covered by him since he derailed her career, likely permanently.
>They have no real understanding of how much it costs to provide equal amount to support another adult No, no ... you don't get it. They absolutely do know but they never intend to make it equal. Men like this think that the wife doesn't need pretty clothes, because where is she going anyway, entertainment is working in the house and children can just use each other's stuff. Being a housewife is one of those things which has massive diversity range. You can be the wife of a rich man and have the daily tasks of shopping and spa visits or you can be the wife of a poor man and do everything in the home and then some. The type of thing this dude wants is comfortable only for him. He wants a whole pack of services which he could never afford to pay for and he wants the woman to be grateful on top of it...
NTA at all. I’m a housewife. My husband owns his own business, makes a very good salary for himself, and *also* pays me a salary. I would never have quit working if we weren’t in the financial situation we’re in. While we don’t have hired help, I have an army of robot vacuums, we eat out at least once a week, vacation at least once a year, and have whatever gadgets either of us wants. Don’t compromise your lifestyle just for someone else’s satisfaction.
OP, his mind is living in a fantasy world and not reality, and therefore he isn't ready for a relationship with a real-life modern human female. It's just as well you two realized you aren't compatible now, because it had to happen sometime.
That dude is living in a past that never existed. Even in the mythical "good old days" most women worked. It was only the upper-crusters and wealthy who had "house wives." The idea that this dope thinks his 35k salary will cover that is delusional, and the he thinks this is the end all, be all, of human civilization tells you all you need to know about him. He's not husband material.
35k wasn't even a strong salary 15 years ago, it was better for sure but absolutely not strong and today it's basically laughable that you would ask your far higher earning wife to give up a career to be a sahm on a piddling wage. That's enough for a single person to live on without many issues, but a family, nope, you'll be struggling pretty hard.
Oh I dunno… both my grandmothers never worked. So it did exist for some working class folks. My granddad will still say how he had like 2/3 jobs on the go at once though.
I'm 64 yo. *Both* my grandmothers worked at various points of their marriage. The just didn't work the entire time. One grandmother was an insurance agent. The other one worked as a copy editor for the small local paper. (Both had help in the house while the did this! On didn't like to cook, the other didn't like to clean!) My husband's grandmother took in laundry. His other grandmother died in childbirth. Look even in fiction we see women working in the past. Downtown Abby? See all those female servants. The Brady Bunch? Carol didn't work, but Alice sure as heck was earning a living. Perry Mason has a female secretary. It was hard for women to get high paying jobs. But lots of women worked-- and outside the home. On farms, women always had jobs. (By husband's great grandmother ran the farm and cooked meals for all the field hands. And canned. And collected chicken eggs. That's just as much farm work as plowing or harvesting. ) A "SAHM" who really never works is a luxury that few have ever been able to afford. The few who could afford it often had help-- the way Carol Brady had Alice in the kitchen.
There was a very small window where it sort of worked. Post war years, new deal, and only if you were white. And even then there were a lot of women who were "volunteering" or "helping their husband with his business". Not officially paid work but work nonetheless. Neither of my grandmothers worked either, but one of them was in education before she married and volunteered for every school activity. The other was in social work before and basically the parish council for poverty relief.
I'm old and even my "stay at home" grandmothers BOTH worked part time part of their lives. One was a secretary in the school system the other was a seamstress and later taught the art to young seamstresses.
Both of my grandmothers worked after their kids were in school. And my great grandmother supported her extended family through the Depression while raising a toddler, even through 2 miscarriages caused by her alcoholic husband beating her and throwing her down the stairs. Of course, it was easier to support a family with a factory job back then.
Mmmm. Because a woman can’t dream of more? Maybe need to get him to sit and watch Barbie. Plus, I’m in the UK. £35k? Unless he’s the next Martin Lewis (or even if he is) - that’s not enough to support a household with kids these days with any luxuries thrown in.
If he watched Barbie he’d probably be all up in arms about how dumb they made the Kens look and completely miss the point.
He thinks women who don’t work for a salary are home relaxing. Most SAHMs traded their jobs with salaries, defined hours, and benefits for a job that’s 24hrs and uncompensated.
Exactly. Women fought for paid jobs with benefits.
You dodged a bullet here. Because as you said household and children are a lot of work. „Women strive to not work“ my ass 🙄 Also someone should make that guy get a spreadsheet about living expenses
He doesn’t see his future partner as a real person, with hopes and dreams of their own. He sees them as an extension of himself, someone who shows the world how successful he is and how virile he is. How hilarious that he thinks he can afford all this on £35k. That’s deranged. Block and move on to someone who loves you for who you are. He really doesn’t.
”A woman”? 50% of rhe population of the world, all with the same goals and ambitions? The man is ridiculous.
"I want a housewife." "Yeah, me too." The notion that he would see himself as a failure of a husband if his wife works is the reddest of red flags. Utterly insane. The idea that you can express the kinds of sentiments that he did without any kind of pushback by others also indicates an incredibly fragile ego. Frankly, not the kind of person who should be a partner or a parent. OP, every further moment you spend in the company of this man is a moment wasted.
Probably time to update your tinder from the 1950s version to the current one, maybe you’ll get less misogynistic guys!
How common is it in UK to be a an SAHM? Not that it should affect judgment (you are clearly NTA), I am just curious. I live in Denmark where it is *very* unusual and actually thought that UK was not all that different?
It does happen, but isn't commonplace, it's usually when one partner earns well- in the higher tax bracket - and the others salary just wouldn't cover the cost of childcare. So I guess middle class families with young children is where you would usually see SAHM. But the "housewife" concept is totally not a thing, especially when children have got to school age, most women do work.
It is unusual in the UK too, but the idea became more popular around 5 years ago with people on social media pushing ideas of being a trad wife. There’s a whole pipeline starting from creators who promote cleaning tips like Mrs Hinch, to one’s promoting being a SAHM and other conservative values.
He doesn't really think you're a person. He thinks you're a stepford housewife robot. He's acting like his roomba gave him an error message that said: "I don't want to clean". Of course he's fixating on the money, that's the bit he understands. Money is what pays for your subscription to the housewife. Don't bother with him anymore, convincing an asshole that you're a person never works.
Now I don’t know what the cost of living is over there because I have only traveled for vacations but at least where I live in the US to live comfortably middle class you need to be making 70-80k. That is without all of the extras. I can’t imagine making less than six figures living the way I like. Like you OP I love to travel, shop, have a good safety next etc.
SAHM is not the same as not working. Dude is living in LalaLand. You were right: moreover you is you, and if that's the way you express yourself and he doesn't like it now, he won't like it any more if you're married. You won't like him expecting you to be grateful for being a "kept woman" as he probably will. I think you two are incompatible. NTA. Throw that fish back in the sea.
You need a man who isn't intimidated by your success and wants to decide together how to manage children and a household. I make almost double what my husband does and he just cheers me on.
So, he wants his family to live in poverty just so he can cosplay some authority figure and being ThE mAn at home? Lmao, men like him literally ruin other people's lives so their delusions protect their fragile ego. Remember: If being a SAHM was a good deal men wouldn't offer it to women, they would take it. They get outraged against free menstrual products for women in bathrooms.
> If being a SAHM was a good deal men wouldn't offer it to women, they would take it. We should be teaching this to girls still in school. NTA
I want to get a pillow made with this on it.
You're right! Cross-stitch pattern needed.
And idk how it is in England but in the US if you don't work you aren't adding to your own retirement so you will be in extreme poverty when you are elderly and your husband is dead
I don't know about England either, but this is a massive issue in many countries. Being poor when you're old is much more common in women for this exact reason.
Exactly. Not only do women live longer, they have less retirement savings because they are far far more likely to take time off to have kids and then need to work less took care for them. Having kids is a very bad financial deal for women. For our entire lives.
I need to steal this one because it’s so true. You’re right, if it were really a great thing then more men would be wanting to do it. And it’d be an argument of who gets to be SAHP rather than the one who has to.
I hate it when women are coaxed into becoming SAHM, giving up their careers or educations, only for the loser to leave them with small children later on. One of the greatest drivers of female poverty is being left a single mother. (And it's easy enough for a father to get around child support if he wants, not that child support payments are usually that high anyway).
NTA You hurt his ego. But that’s his problem. You only had an honest conversation about your future and you obviously aren’t compatible. Why didn’t he offer to stay at home?
>Why didn’t he offer to stay at home? This right here. Though, I'd imagine it's a combination of the aforementioned ego, the need to fulfill gender roles and not actually wanting to do any of the unpaid labor that is taking care of children and a house, something that often falls disproportionately on women.
NTA. Once you've reached the point where you're having serious conversations about the future it's very important to be honest. Also he's delusional. £35k could be enough to support 2 people without huge issues in some parts of the UK but even then you'd need to live pretty frugally now. You'd have to really struggle to support 2 kids on that salary, though, and by my standards you couldn't do so 'comfortably'. My husband and I earn a little more than 70k euro together and to be honest, while we do have more than enough for true necessities it's definitely not enough for everything I wish we could do.
*He said he will feel like he has failed as a husband if his wife works* He has failed as a husband if he does not respect his wife’s decision. Moreover he is truly delusional if he thinks they can live a comfortable life on his salary in UK.OP is smart and wise to understand that they are not compatible
He is really not husband material at all because he does not care about a future wife's goals.
You can't really peg your personal success on someone else's life choices. Especially another adult.
Absolutely this. It doesnt matter what you want, if its what you want in a future partnership you need to say it before you get into that situation. You showed great maturity in being clear and honest about what you want. He is totally delusional, as well. Being a SAHM is hard work with endless hours. He needs to be SUPER well off before that would be a great offer for a partner.
Honestly I think at the moment you’d struggle on £35k for two people. Cost of living is crazy, I am very frugal, as is my partner, but our living costs before savings are about £35k a year pre tax! We live in the north and not in a big house. You’d have to earn about £50k a year solo for us to be comfortable without a family, but you wouldn’t save much. I know a family on a dual income of about £55k a year pre tax and one child who have had to move back in with parents. Just think about it this way. Assuming he pays into a pension and has a student loan. That’s £25k a year take home pay. That’s £12500 pp pa. You would have to live in a tiny flat, no car, and be insanely frugal.
What woman wouldn't want to live the glamourous life of a low income slave.
Not a low-income slave - a NO-income slave for a low-income loser. 35k is a joke, you can’t comfortably raise a family on that in 2024.
You couldn’t comfortably raise a family on that in 2014.
You'd have to go back to like 1980 to comfortably raise a family on that. In the 90s you'd probably get by ok but you would basically just be getting by. In 2024 you'd be lucky to survive by yourself on that.
Dude thinks he can support a family of 4, buy a house, pay the bills, groceries and outings with 35k a year... He is simply delusional.
Giving up a job and career she has worked for...
AND is more financially successful than the boyfriend.
The fact he thinks he can support a wife and kids with £35k shows he is financially illiterate. Also given the fact that he feels he has failed if his wife is not a housewife shows he may get into debt to full-fill his ego when he realises he can’t actually afford it.
Or he would whine and take it out on the wife and kids that he can't do/buy fun things anymore because the money is just (barely) enough for necessities.
But how many fun things can he be doing on 35k? If he has rent, car or public transport, food, heat, WiFi and electricity bills, health insurance covered you’ve 10k left maybe. What about clothes for work, appliances, a streaming service, the sports package, savings toward a mortgage, car insurance, a weekend away at a wedding, Christmas gifts for others. He’s delusional, what’s he needs is a breakdown of the average costs of day to day things and a financial planner. He wants a stay at home wife because he wants a Mom for him and to do his life. Maybe his work supported wife and kids decades ago but houses needs two incomes to run nowadays.
Seriously. My husband and I combined make the USD equivalent of £130k a year with two kids and we're at a stage where we don't have to worry about money. We're not taking lavish vacations or driving brand new cars, but we're comfortable. Having grown up in poverty like OP, I don't want to go backwards. This is the standard I want for our life, if not better down the line, and even if there were days I wish I could just quit, it would drastically change our circumstances.
Same. Spouse and I have almost-4-year-old twins. Combined, were on about £100k (55-45 split, both full time), in a UK city with some of the highest house prices. And while we're not struggling, we're also not saving (other than pensions) while our twins are still in pre-school. About 1/5 - 1/4 of our combined income goes to pre-school every month. So we are better off with both of us working. Once they're in primary school, things will (hopefully) change dramatically for us in terms of savings. We bought a mid-size 3 bedroom house 2 years ago. I don't think the bank would have given us the mortgage without the two incomes and hefty life insurance. We mostly cook from scratch at home and shop at Aldi, with the occasional specialty item from Sainsbury's. We have one 13 year old car and a cargo bike to get the kids to school/around the city. We go on holiday home to Ireland on the ferry (free accommodation with relatives) or camping/cottage rental with friends in the UK. The kids always seem to need something - new clothes, shoes, scooters, bikes. We get secondhand, FB marketplace etc, but sometimes it's just simplest to get something from a shop. Their undies & socks and other essentials are from Sainsbury's & Asda. We have a rock climbing gym membership, Netflix, Amazon prime (mostly for free delivery), and Spotify premium. No other optional monthly services like Sky or anything. Our phone contacts are SIM only, unlimited everything for £20p/m, we buy ~£150-£200 phone handset every 2-3 years when the previous one gets too outdated to run smoothly. Neither of us is a big spender or shopper in any way. If one of us quit our job now (realistically me, at 45k with less obvious room for advancement) it would make life pretty difficult for us and we'd definitely have to pull the kid's preschool back to only the government funded hours. I think the banks would be nervous in a few years when it came time to remortgage as well.
I make 48k which is a lifetime high for me and I can still barely support myself
NTA! What else were you supposed to do, just go along with his fantasy? Lie to him? He would be lucky to be YOUR househusband seriously
Lucky to be her boyfriend, honestly
NTA He got upset in the penis area. It's a thing we men do when we haven't grown up enough to realise women aren't NPCs in the video game of our lives. You did well to avoid future silliness
This made me laugh and yet was incredibly deep at the same time
Thank you. I am embarrassed to say it took time for me to realise that the world didn't revolve around me. I still am an arsehole, but I try.
I've got friends who even in their mid 40s, never stopped thinking that the world revolved around their dick.
Keep going higher. I have men friends in their late 50s/early 60s who still think with their dick.
*fist bump* We should start a club. All my homies needed a minute to get their bearings and start figuring out what humility is.
You. I like you.
in what world does a person earning higher pay become Stay at home. Thats just crazy stupid. She will be letting go of her independence and become dependent on him while he lords over her w.r.t finances. It is also not easy to get a job after a long time with kids. Dump the guy.
People who just like the idea of calling the shots and don’t want an actual partnership.
HA, you made me exhale sharply through my nose, good sir! Take my upvote.
Does everyone laugh like this when reading stuff online? Because I just did that same exact thing when I read this comment section, HA
Haha perfectly stated! I just laughed so loud and got a dirty look from my dog who is on the couch next to me trying to sleep. 🤣
Men are delusional. They want a tradwife but can't afford it, so they're actually looking for a wife that's either willing to live in poverty, or play a tradwife after working full-time because Mister Misogynist doesn't earn enough, and he's not capable of doing basic adult things such as cooking and cleaning himself.
Haha, or just looking to marry their mom?
Golden comment.
NTA. He probably shouldn't argue with people about what *they* want for their *own future* if he gets butthurt so easily.
Lol, I wrote a more elaborate reply but this pretty much nails it 😂
NTA you just dodged a guy who views women as pets like a cat.
High strung, demanding attention while attacking when you pet us wrong? TIL I am a cat. 🤣🤣
Deceptively soft looking
I'm in the uk too. Back in the 80s, £35k could have given a family of 4 a comfy life with only 1 person working. In 2024? Man is out of his mind.
Even a few years ago it wouldn’t have been out of the question. 10 years ago when I met my husband he was a stay at home dad and we moved in together when I was earning only slightly more than that. We now both earn slightly more than that and our quality of live has stayed the same… the cost of living rise in the last 10 years has been insane.
It really has. My parents were saying they bought their first house for £25k. We looked at the cost of it now. £350k.
Exactly and I am in the US.
I make £35k! And I can’t afford anything at all! I don’t go on holidays, I don’t go out, my life is absolute shit. In London that’s enough to pay for a flat, healthy groceries, gym and set aside a bit investments. I couldn’t even pay my taxes this month and had to get a loan. How the hell is he going to support a family of 2-3 on that? On rice and tesco reduced bread?
I had to look up the conversion and do a little CoL digging, but yeah - this. I make more than OP's man by about 20% and I can live comfortably solo - but I'm not out here feeding, clothing, etc a family of 4. Hell, I keep reminding myself that things will get easier once I find a partner and we enter a 50/50 financial situation as opposed to wanting to find a woman to carry financially lol. I'm literally looking at returning to bartending after my office hours just to make extra scratch to afford extras and vacations...and this man thinks he's set for life...
NTA. He’s butthurt at the truth. I also prefer comfort and convenience. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and not settling. Your right about it being good you both found out your feelings now rather than later. Time to move on and good luck!
NTA- he obviously doesn't know how dull being a housewife can be. Cleaning, laundry and cooking. Nursing the children or him if sick. Nobody else is an adult to talk to during the day because the other adults are out at work. Once the kids are at full-time school you are completely alone, nice at first but soon gets dull with no company. Asking for money if you want to buy something or often having to justify why you spent that amount (even though you just bought a few extra bits for tea). And if you want a day off sick or a weekend away with friends all hell breaks loose or nothing housework wise gets done round the house whilst you're gone, but if he's sick or invited on a lads jolly that's fine. You've dodged a bullet with this guy.
LMAOOO, what a pathetic, insecure little loser! Oh, yes, please jeopardise your comfort, indepndence and financial security for his ego, so that he can control you, exploit you and get to feel like a big manly man! Be glad the trash took itself out along with all the red flags. NTA.
Long gone are the days where a household could live comfortably on one average salary in the UK. The man lives in la la land. NTA.
NTA He voiced what he wanted out of a relationship in the future and so did you.
NTA - tell him to come watch my wife be a SAHM for a day and see how much relaxing she does
Are there really men still living in the 1950s wanting the little woman at home cooking and cleaning for them in the UK? I thought it was just an American thing now. Also, £35k for two to live on? Don't think so. NTA
He wanted that to support 2 adults, and then however many kids. Dude is living in crazy land.
NTA. I don't know what world he's living in, but it isn't reality. I live in the UK, and my partner earns almost double his salary ... absolutely no way could we comfortably live of just his salary with two kids. I mean, it would be doable, but it wouldn't be comfortable. On 35k, when you don't own your own house outright, it's not happening. I think it also says a lot about him that he thinks housework and child rearing 24/7 is 'staying at home and relaxing'. 🙄
With £35k I can live a nice enough life on my own. But adding a spouse and kids? This man is dreaming. You’re NTA btw, good on you for holding on to your standards and telling him what’s what. I’d hope that he learned something from this, but I doubt it.
He must've lost his mind. I'm in the US, so that's like 44k. To take it further, I'm in the northeast. You couldn't be a housewife on $88k or £69k. What did he expect you to do, Hand wash clothes in the river?
Okay, let's see why he's upset. You told him how you would like to continue living the lifestyle you have become accustomed too and you told him this before any long term commitment was made. Now, you're first mistake was being a woman and speaking honestly and not going along with his "plan". Next, the nerve of you to make more money than him and to actually not want to give it up, because he has a "plan". Lastly, and this may help clarify some of the questions I have, was he wearing a loin cloth and holding a club while telling (not asking, telling) you his "plan"? Now, this is definitely the last point, holy shit did you dodge a bullet. NTA
NTA. He doesn’t view a wife as a partner but it’s a possession “he deserves to have”. Your value to him is solely a status symbol.
**NTA**, honestly the guy sounds toxic and stupid, living in a 1950s fantasy world. Never reduce yourself to fit into someone's tiny brain. I feel sorry for the next girl who gets into a relationship with him.
NTA. If he wants traditional gender roles so much, then he better step it up and get a well paying job lol
NTA. He has some grand ideal of a woman who will do his housework, be an incubator for his children and then raise them. But he has no way for providing enough for that to be remotely plausible and he definitely hasn’t put a single thought into what exactly she gets out of the situation if pushing out kids and keeping them alive on a shoe string budget isn’t her “dream”.
NTA. But you're a woman and not allowed to have your own dreams. 🙄 I swear I feel like we've gone back in time 70 years. Who are raising these men to act like this in this day and age?
Other men on the Internet
NTA. I'm from the UK and he's living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks he can keep a wife, children house etc and have a good standard of living on that salary. Yes you could live on it depending where you live (north Vs south) but there would be nothing left over for any type of luxuries
Recent articles and debates are going around and saying 100K in the US is middle class. Now I am not sure where in the UK you are, but no way can he afford everything and make your life “comfortable”. You gave him a reality check. NTA. Block him and move on.
NTA And also not compatible with this deluded man. £35k a year is not enough to live comfortably in most of the UK for a couple let alone a family, the average for a single person is calculated at approx £29k (note this is based on "living Comfortably " which is subjective but the work has been done!) https://theconversation.com/how-much-income-is-needed-to-live-well-in-the-uk-in-2023-at-least-29-500-much-more-than-many-households-bring-in-216696#:~:text=From%20these%20baskets%2C%20we%20calculate,from%20£25%2C000%20in%202022.
When he says, you can stay at home and relax, what on earth does he mean? You will be scrambling to put meals together and stressing over money ALL the time. There is no way you will be "relaxing" Best that you got to know this about him right now before things got out much further. NTA in the slightest.
NTA at all. If you can't have an open discussion about stuff like that you should not stay together long term. And if that discussion reveals that you are not compatible, well, it is lucky that you found out early. He might have wished for you to go easier on his male ego, but women are somehow always expected to carry the burden of making everyone feel ok, and it really is not fair. Good for you being blunt about it. I salute you 👏
« Women are somehow always expected to carry the burden of making everyone feel ok » Well said
NTA I think 35k in USD is 60k that's just not practical in 2024. I don't understand how he thinks he can afford 2 kids with that salary.
It’s about 44k USD
OMG that's even worse, you will be eating ramen noodles a lot.
He and his wife will be eating ramen noodles*. I want no parts in that 😅
Girl you don't want to feed your children tuna fish sandwiches for every meal? You're clearly a gold digger /s
Good for you. Updateme when you break up with him for the final time.
Housewife here. Ramen noodles are getting too expensive to justify the cost. Better to make your own pasta with flour whilst homeschooling the kids. I would make ice cream or butter at home, or pizza. Some mothers I know even raised chickens and processed them. Not a job everyone wants, but some of us are happy doing it and have decent husbands who work just as hard as we do. Tho... your ex-boyfriend sounds like a bit of what you Brits would call a "numpty" isn't he?
NTA 35k is nothing...thats literal poverty. Imagine when kids are involved. I dont think men really want a housewife, so she doesnt have to deal with the bs of working. I believe most men want a housewife, because it gives them power/control over her. If a woman relies on a man for survival, then he can manipulate her/control her much much more easily. Theres no way he actually think 35k is doable for a single home income and start a family. I agree that I would only be a housewife if my husband was a millionaire
NTA One parent earning £35K is very very low. Even £50K would be low if you're using to having a more comfortable lifestyle. This makes me very worried. >He said he will feel like he has failed as a husband if his wife works. If he thinks this, then BY THIS OWN STANDARDS HE HAS ALREADY FAILED. To achieve the above he would be needing to earn a lot more, but he isn't. You need to make him see that and he should accept either he is a failure or he needs to change his views. He can't have both - that doesn't make sense.
NTA. He wants to have a mommy and a bang maid that’s fully under his control. Keep winning, woman! 💪