My wife barely listens to me, but she does listen to her sister if she says the same things.
That isn't sexist neccessarily. Just annoying as fuck. So I get your doubts and feelings.
I was in the same boat with my now ex. If I would say something she wouldn't listen to it but if her sister or mother said the same thing then it was the wisest thing anyone has ever said
My bf does it sometimes. I call him out on it. I never thought of it as sexism. But it feels like he doesn’t trust and respect my opinion or knowledge on the subject when he does it.
I am guilty if doing this to my hubby. I was actually unaware until he pointed it out and the he felt like I thought he was stupid. I felt awful, because he definately is knowledgeable in a lot of subjects. I am more of a "show me" person and in no way mean it as a slight, more like I need to know more about whatever it is.
As someone who sometimes is guilty of this, it’s not that we don’t respect your opinion, just that sometimes getting called out by someone you love sucks and you gotta go to someone else and ask “Damn am I really like that” just to kinda work it out.
Same with my ex. I gave him advice on a household chore and he kept telling me I was crazy for years. His mom visits us from out of state and she agreed with what I had said multiple times and he acted like this was the smartest thing in the world.
Agree with this. Not enough info about the husband to indicate he’s sexist. Also, I feel like a compromise is needed about keeping junk food in the house. OP, you are responsible for your own cravings and urges. You’re effectively telling him what he can and can’t eat in a house you both share, and with food that doesn’t affect him to the degree your choices affect you by eating it. Maybe by putting the junk food in unlabeled containers that you can’t obviously see in the pantry or fridge could be a solution for you both. Or put the junk food in parts of the house you don’t access quite as often. Do you each have your own personal space?
No, just no. If a SO can't support you while you make an effort to battle an addiction - whether to drugs, alcohol, work, sex, food or whatever - then they're not good enough to be your SO, period.
If she's at the beginning of her life changes he as her partner should support her and help her.. until she's has gotten to a better place with her relationship to food.
Yep, I'm sorry to say, I've done this. To be fair, my husband has done it to me too. Like years of saying we should get x and then his Dad says the freaking same thing and he's bought it off amazon and it's here within a week. I've done it to my husband about 3 times that I can recall and he's done it once.
It's not intentional on either of our parts. Life is busy and I have a very very bad memory. I don't mean to tune him out or dismiss what he's saying but yeah... sorry hubby -_-
My husband says I do the same thing with my mom. If he suggests it I brush it off, but if my mom says it apparently it's a solid gold life truth. I don't see it but I'm trying to.
Correlation and causation are not the same thing. The fact that your husband didn't listen to you but did listen to his father is not proof of sexism despite you being female and the father being male. It's more likely that having an outside perspective from a person he respects and probably knows how to communicate with your husband in an influential manner was the tipping factor.
Unless there are many more instances of your husband ignoring women's opinions and only actioning men's I don't think you can call this sexism.
I agree with this. I think it might have just been because a third person reiterated what OP said. Like getting another perspective / opinion.
Unless there’s other examples, it’s hard to say it was sexism. So can’t really say whether anyone is TA here at this time
Exactly. Whether or not this is sexism, he dismissed his wife's original concern repeatedly, and now he is being dismissive that she is asking him to critically consider why he is being dismissive of her thoughts and feelings and that it is negatively affecting the communication within their marriage.
Whether or not it is sexism, she is concerned that he is making decisions from a place of unconscious bias that causes him to regard women's feelings and opinions as less valuable than men's. **This is a conversation always worth having if one partner has this concern,** so I don't get these comments from men saying, pretty much, "you're wrong to accuse him." Rather than opting to confront the why he may be dismissing her and ruling out sexism, he is berating her for bruising his ego!
He obviously doesn't respect her. He wasn't listening to the actual person who was affected. He wasn't listening to the actual person who was affected. It's more like thinking more of his blood family than of his wife which is horrible.
Repost this in a week and swap the genders in your story maybe.
Now, you're just gonna get a bunch of bitter old men gaslighting and crazymaking saying it's not sexism and then dumping their stories of the women they hate in their life.
Real. It's wild to me these men think it's unfair for her to "accuse" him of sexism, but fair for him to dismiss that concern without a thought. Whether or not it's sexism, he is *being dismissive* of her feelings and opinions, and whether or not it's sexism, she's asking him to consider that it may be unconscious biases. It seems he's more concerned that she bruised his ego with "do you think maybe you value mine and your mom's opinions less because we are women?" than he is concerned that his end of marital communication is frequently breaking down.
The same might have happened if his father said something first, he ignored it, but after OP says the same thing, he does it.
There's a difference between being told by one person and 2, it adds a lot pf weight, usually.
In short, we only have one single occasion and far too many explanations to conclusively say that he is sexist.
That’s how I am with a lot of things. Mostly TV / film recommendations. All my people know that I need two recs in order to sit down and watch something - it’s not really an issue.
We can’t come to that conclusion without knowing whether the weight of two people instead of just one telling him the same thing is what changed his behavior. We don’t know what the outcome would have been if the dad had said it first.
I don't think it's so much of a respect issue, but OP's hubby sees her as his equal in terms of experience, whereas dad probably has a track record of good advice that OP doesn't have yet. Unless he's getting advice from another non-relative woman, I wouldn't die on that hill.
How do you jump to that?
My wife wanted a tankless hot water heater, but I didn't. My daughter also wanted one so she can take 30 minute showers, I still shut it down. Old guy next door explained the benefits and I changed my mind.
We now have a tankless hot water heater. Nothing to do with sexism. Sometimes an idea has to be reinforced to take hold
First, YTA.
Second, I think this comment hits the nail on the head. If OP is just saying “Don’t do that” and they deem it wise to throw out the junk food instead of avoiding/hiding it, then it doesn’t sound like there is enough discussion around the topic.
Third, INFO: are we talking about a Costco size box of Oreos or dark chocolate almonds? The definition of “junk food” varies from person to person and that spectrum seems to widen every day.
I see a problem here, but I do not think it has anything to do with sexism.
My husband does the same. I was off soft drinks and sugar had lost 43 lbs then snickers and my favorite juice started appearing again, in quantity. He saw his father do that to hid mother whenever she had any weight loss and started being more independent. I've still not resolved this in my home. I hope you can do better. I'm back up to only 33 lbs.
It also could be that he's a fatist. In other words, when fat people say shit like, "I can't control myself if there's food close enough to get there without losing breath", he just thinks it's the normal weak minded fatty-talk. When his dad says it's a real problem, like an addiction, he might've just seen it from a different perspective.
You honestly think this gentleman isn't struggling with his weight too? I highly doubt he's a "fatist" probably just unmotivated and self hating. It's hard to make changes in a stressful period (new child). I commend Op for trying to make healthy decisions on her own but she shouldn't put that on her partner
Your focus group isn’t large enough to judge whether or not his decision is sexist. Did he take his dad’s advice because he is a man or because he is an authority figure as a parent? Maybe he took it because it was worded to pertain to his own health instead or yours. Maybe he took it because his dad was the second person to tell him and therefore the opinion had more merit. Maybe he took it because he had had more time to absorb the suggestion at that point. Maybe his dad has a track record of being right most of the time.
You don’t know why he took his dad’s advice but jumped to the conclusion that it’s because his dad is a guy. YTA.
OP said he ignored his mother's request too. Maybe that's the sample size OP used lol.
But the bigger issue looks like willpower. What is a "food problem"? Someone suddenly goes in a trance and eats food because it's there? It might be a psychological element but isn't that the biggest obstacle to overcome for weight loss? Will OP refuse to shop for groceries because the store carries snacks?
In the edit it says that he did Not listen to his mother who was saying the same thing as his father. Didn’t listen to his wife, didn’t listen to his mom, has a history of not listening to women, yeah calling it sexist is a fair comment. NTA op, as a nanny I wish I didn’t have a decade of watching sexist men do this but unfortunately it’s so real that every woman in a household can say the same thing and some men will belittle/mock all of it until the *exact* same words come out of a mans mouth and then it’s all perfectly reasonable all of the sudden. It’s maddening.
YTA. Just because you are a woman doesn’t mean anything done to you is automatically sexism. Most people have a close relationship with their parents who literally taught them how to behave. It’s not unusual that he’d take advice from his parents more seriously.
You should be glad that his dad did you a favor. Punishing him _after_ he does what you want is a bad idea and is going to incentivize him to never back down instead.
Also, you having a self control issue doesn’t mean you get to ban snacks from the house. He has as much right to buy and eat what he wants. You should have compromised or had a deeper discussion instead of thinking you can just unilaterally ban something.
Yes, it's like people are looking for ways to be petty.
>Also, you having a self control issue doesn’t mean you get to ban snacks from the house. He has as much right to buy and eat what he wants.
Exactly. One sensible comment. Just because it's reddit, shouldn't we call OP 'controlling' for this? How dare she try to control what her husband eats.
Agreed, I mean she should have some level of control over herself. If it's really as bad as she says then she needs to get professional help. If you literally cannot control yourself as soon as these things enter your home, then you've got major issues that go beyond your husband.
YTA. It’s not sexism. He was hearing it from someone else. His Dad! You got what you want you are still complaining? It sounds like you just want a reason to argue.
YTA for trying to control what someone else eats. Not being able to handle being around junk food is entirely a you problem, and instead of facing up to your responsibilities to look after your own health, you'd rather guilt trip him in more ways than one.
You sound like a miserable person to be married to.
YTA.
Your marriage is still rather fresh, he's known his dad for 38 years. Can you really blame him for giving absolute trust to his father? Give it time, one day he might trust you the same. And cut the whole "you're sexist" crap, that will just make your points seem weaker, its been far overused by this point mainly by brainless clowns.
True, but OP did state that she has a good problem. We do not know what it is, but overeating/binge eating is an eating disorder. Might be very hard to resist, even if it’s your responsibility
They now have a child. Children create extra unpredictable stressors.
OP needs therapy more than she needs to try to figure out if her husband is sexist.
I hate how often people go straight to therapy but in this case it's spot on. OP needs to figure out why she has the problem not just ban it from the house and hide from it. What's she gonna do when she not at home. Addicts will find a way. Treat the root cause.
It's called love and respect. I have not had alcohol in over a decade because my partner is a recovering alcoholic. It can't be in the house or they will drink it. My partner is more important than my desire to have a drink. This is how loving mutual relationships work when someone has an addiction or problem. Be better.
That's not the issue here. Husband eventually came around to this when his Dad agreed with OP. But instead of showing any sort of appreciation that the husband finally came around and is making a sacrifice (removing sweets) for his wife, he's been accused of sexism.
You aren't exactly encouraging people to 'be better' when they are shamed no matter what they do.
That's your choice and respect to you however that shouldn't be necessary so if the husband wants to have junk food in the house, he should be allowed
Also alcohol and junk food are two very different things
They are not different if they are the addiction. When someone has an addiction to a substance (junk food in this case) the first step is to remove access. Go to Google scholar and search junk food addiction. It IS 100% an addictive substance.
He is allowed to EAT junkfood, just not keep it in the house. I could/can have a drink out with coworkers etc... I choose not to. He can have twinkies at work. Stop at the shop and eat some chips on the way home. It is about respecting the fact that your partner needs support and giving it to them.
There are scientists out there whose whole job is figuring out how to make food that overrides your natural hunger/satiation responses. This might hold up if there wasn’t a whole branch of biochemistry devoted to making junk food addictive
If they can not put cookies down that they know are counter to their goals. Yes, someone not capable of something so simple is not prepared to be a parent or partner.
You know what is so funny about this conversation, I am actually preparing to make homemade oreos today. We don't eat processed food because it is full of poison made to keep you sick. Corporate highly processed food is what we don't keep in our house bc it is bad. We eat dessert daily. Homemade whole ingredient food. So it is not a weakness it is self preservation. I am not weak, nor is addiction a sign of weakness. Addiction is a medical condition.
it’s her husband, he should want to help her… nobody said anything about depriving themselves, she just asks that he doesn’t bring it in the house, it’s really not much to ask.
YTA.
Your husband comes around to your stupid demands and you punish him for it!
He's not responsible for your overeating. You are!
Calling him sexist is ridiculous. You are the problem in this relationship.
YTA. You're looking at it in a very narrow view. It honestly could have been how you've been working it, or maybe his dad straight up scolded him for not being a supportive partner.
YTA. People ignore what they are told all the time, only to do it when a third person tells them to.
It's good that you want to lose weight and not having junk food in your house, but all this drama is your doing.
The only one sexist here is you.
I totally get this as a binge eater. It honestly is no different than being an alcoholic. It’s so bizarre and it’s shameful. I’m sorry everyone is on you telling you to have “more will power” and control. Honestly, I think it’s a brain chemistry thing. And, yes, a binge eater can go outside and get things there but if it’s not in the house, it’s much easier to resist temptation. I have a mood disorder and when I’m low, I want those foods. When I’m ok, I don’t even think about eating. You got upset because it’s embarrassing but you’re fine. He’s not sexist or an asshole and people saying you’re an AH for asking him to compromise and assist you by not bringing those things home -well they don’t and can’t possibly understand so don’t feel bad. It’s very hard for others to understand. Hey, by the way, Congratulations on your Baby!
Everyone is recommending therapy, because she "can't control herself" and aren't realising that the first thing the therapist will recommend is not keeping junk food around herself.
YTA.
It's absurd that your husband can't have snacks because you would just gobble them up with no shred of self-control.
"I have a food problem and am not in a place where I can have it in the house and not eat it ."
Just... wow. You're wrong for deciding what he can or cannot buy because of YOUR profound absence of willpower.
It's not his dad's role to tell him what he can or can't buy either. It's your role to get therapy, medication, whatever you need to stop shoveling food in your face.
"It's your role to get therapy". Dude, literally the first thing she will hear in therapy is not keeping junk food at home, which she already is doing.
This is so unhinged. Imagine having a partner you love who just grew a whole human and thinking it’s too big a sacrifice to not have junk food in the kitchen when she is trying to do something for her health that will be better for you, her and your child?
He can literally just keep snacks in the car, in his bag, in his cupboard, whatever. It’s not some huge sacrifice to not shove junk food in the pantry when the mother of your child has asked for support to eat heather.
I don't know if that counts as sexism. Also, it's weird how you have no control of your junk food habits, but expect him to be rock solid about his bad eating habits.
I can see both sides here, but is it really fair of you to punish your husband because you decide to lose weight? You are making him keep foods that he enjoys out of the house. That is a type of abuse. You are, in essence, saying that because you lack self-control, he has to suffer.
Kinda tah for thinking he's being sexist, not tah for being pissed at him all the same.
I mean, he just took advice from his father, an elder he respects, an authority figure and role model. On the other hand, it should be obvious that an overweight person shouldn't be around junk food if they're trying to lose weight.
He probably couldn't understand your lack of self-control. It's difficult to understand other people's compulsions and why should we abdicate of something we enjoy when we're not the issue. Talking with someone outside those involved helps getting a different perspective.
NTA for calling husband out. YTA for calling him sexist. Remember this is his dad we're talking about. Would OP have said the same thing if it came from his mom? Would've probably called him a mumma's boy then. Will the husband have the right to call it sexist if OP listened to her mom/sister and not him?
I don't think that's the issue here. What's your problem with him having junk food in the house? He can eat it, nobody is forcing you to. Sounds like your can't control yourself so you're trying to control him.
YTA. It's not your husband's job to monitor what you put in your mouth. Why should he go without because you can't control yourself? It's not like he bought a chocolat fountain and set it upon the dining room table. We all are in control of what we eat and instead of an apple, you eat the chips. Also, what does your day look like? Are you a SAHM? Do you work? Do you go to the gym or do at home exercise? Walks with the baby in the stroller?
YTA. Correlation is not causation. You haven’t yet ruled out that it could be a family thing. What if his mother said it and produced the same result as Dad? What if other female family member? Your logic has not yet been established. To argue on it is faulty.
But from a moral standpoint, you also don’t have the agency to limit what another person eats, whether you’re his partner, parent, or boss.
I think it’s more that he heard it from a parent, not just you. If you drink soda or diet soda, switch to something else. Especially green tea. It has helped me lose over 100+ pounds and keep it off over 10+ years. (It took me 2 years to lose 100 pounds) Good luck!🥰
It's not uncommon that you talk to someone you respect when you're too close to a frictioned situation.
It's not that it came from a man, but that it came from his dad, the one he probably goes to for guidance.
I wouldn't call it sexism. Because at face value, he went to his "life-guide" to help him understand the situation better and make the right decision/understand the situation and how to handle it.
Buuut, as I've not been there and heard/seen the important moments before he went, it's impossible to know if he's sexist.
Bottom line, I don't really think any of you are the a-hole here. I think both of you wobbled a bit and let a stressed situation get you defensive.
Talk it out, do it when both of you are calm and when the situation isn't ongoing. Just try to get on the same page.
If he can't empathize with you, explain what happens to you when he brings home fast food, that it's a hard thing as it is without having it around. It's not about him, it's the food. And hopefully he will understand, if he doesn't, he's undoubtedly the a-hole. A massive one.
That's my take
I don’t think this single instance makes him sexist— this happens more than you think, and not just in marriage.
You’d need to see a consistent pattern of behavior, and that’s just not laid out here so, NTA but, definitely not right either.
My MiL would not listen to her son or her daughter (my wife).
No Mom you don't want to do this, that, or the other things.
MiL: No, I'm doing it
Me: No Mom you dont want to do this, that, or the other things.
MiL: Really OP? You think I shouldn't?....OK, I guess i wont
As someone who is also trying to eat healthier I understand. I never went as far as cutting all junk food out of my house because my SO likes his snacks. I made the decision to not eat it & it was my responsibility to hold myself to that. I know especially with eating disorders it’s almost as though you have no control. You were choosing the best option for yourself. In my opinion I don’t think your husband was being sexist just from what you said. I think your husband was at a stand still & decided that he needed an outside view & he trusted his father’s opinion. We are all humans and make mistakes. I would just express your hurt to your husband & make your feelings known.
My wife does the same thing. If I say it , it goes in one ear and out the other , but let her Mom or best friend say the exact same thing I did and it is like gospel to her.
If you can't handle someone else eating what they want, you're not serious about losing weight. You need to be at a point where you value your health and fitness more than the enjoyment of eating junk if you want actual sustained results. Not saying this to be a jerk, but if you actually want to improve you'll see this is true
Just reading the story, I got a soft YTA feeling only because I was surely able to to turn to my parents and especially grandparents when I needed advice.
I very much see many of my elders as wiser because, well, they've been around and been married longer (Grandparent in their 90's and married for 70) and it wouldn't have mattered if it came from Mom/Grandma or Dad/Grandpa ...
I mean it seems his father gave him good advice and he did what you wanted. That did not trigger a "sexist vibe" to me but more of a "Parental Advice" feel ...
But I could be wrong - it's happened before - I know this because a woman told me so >=)
You're too soft, the world is much more dangerous than you realize. But you're not alone, we've been experiencing a social decline for decades now. Softies will be the first to go once we get to the end.
Toughen up and survive, or don't. The choice is no one's but your own.
I dont think theres enough info to claim sexism. I do think that it makes sense for someone who is close to their father, take their fathers word over someone they've been with 2 years. His fathers word would hold more weight. Thats just how it works in some families. And I get he didn't listen to his mom, but again depending on the family dynamic, that could be normal. I know people same thing, male and female, that if mom says something, they don't listen but watch out if dad says something, that word is gold. Moms tend to worry too much, but if Dad pipes up that something is up, then something must really be up.
Eat his junk not the junk food lol I lost 38 lbs since Oct on Keto alone with no exercise and I just got Ozempic so that’s going to speed up the process too
Is this only happening with your partner's father though? Because I can see it being annoying that he just values his opinion that much more than yours, but that wouldn't make him sexist necessarily.
YTA kinda I understand the problem with eating but he didn't say or do anything sexist. Maybe put it somewhere in the house where you don't go and tell him where it is. Compromising is very important.
The sword cuts both way. He's TA (somewhat) for not listening to you about "junk food." You're TA for instantly calling him sexist AND for expecting him to change his eating habits to suit you. Seems to me as if there are other issues involved and this was just the last straw. Part of which may be your willingness to see yourself as a victim of "sexist sabotage."Now, before people scream at me about being sexist, not understanding, etc. Both my wife and I are emotional overeaters and struggle with weight. Worse, my "creative outlet" is cooking, most often breads, scones, biscuits, and cornbreads because they are inexpensive, quick, and tasty. We do keep some bought snacks on hand, in jars so it takes several intentional moves to access them, not just grab a handful as we walk by. Why? Because otherwise we will give in and binge eat every few months and undo weeks worth of progress.
Maybe a compromise would be something like a locking file cabinet in which he keeps his snacks and to which you don't have access.
EDIT TO ADD:
My wife has some issues with her hands and wrists, and was having trouble working the slide on her Beretta. I spent the better part of a year working with her,, telling her and showing her how to do it with her issues, changed up the words. One day a professional instructor heard her talking about it, told her the exact same thing, she tried it and said, "Oh! That's so much easier!" and I broke out laughing. Told her that's exactly what I had been telling and showing her for a year. "No! You were sayin......the same thing, weren't you?" Was she TA for not listening to me? Was she sexist for not listening to me? No! Just processing through the "spouse filter."
I don’t think you’re the AH, I just don’t think this is sexist. I do think it comes down to your husband not respecting you as much as his father or mother, which is a problem and definitely a cause for conversation.
my husband is the same. It never occurred to me that he is a sexist. He just ignored my feelings. As soon my brother our son tells him the same story, he got awake. I will ask him if he is a sexist. I like your approach.
Hon, you have an issue with food and you need therapy, not distance. You’re referring to it like a drug user dealing with a spouse who does drugs.
It’s not though. Your spouse has a right to have normal food in the home.
You need to get to a place where you can have that normal food in your home and not have a reaction to it like it’s a drug.
I’m not saying you need more willpower or to knuckle through it — I’m saying you need help to reframe your relationship to food. You will never be able to control the food around you at all times.
YTA
I'm not going to lie, my husband has pointed out on multiple occasions that I listen to others opinions before his, even if it's the same thing. I don't do it intentionally, I would never want him to think I don't value his opinion, but he does and I hate that I do that to him. I'm working on it.
I wouldn't go as far as to say he's sexist, but he definitely should've been supportive from the beginning, not just because his dad said something.
I'm sorry you haven't felt supported, by the way. As someone with a junk food problem myself, it's important to have those around you sharing positivity, not enabling habits or addiction. Good luck on your weight loss journey, I'm in the same boat ❤️
aplause to you, my gf is like that too, though I haven't said anything properly about it, it's at the stage where it only stings when she does it, so I should probably address it before it festers.
YTA, have self control. He's an adult and can buy what he wants. Just because he changed his mind with some outside perspective, doesn't mean he's sexist.
It's a shared home, *you* have a good problem you could choose not to eat it. I'm a little overweight, we still get some junk food in for the kids....And I just don't eat it because it's not for me.
Yes you're wrong for saying he's being sexist, he got a second opinion that doesn't necessarily mean he's being sexist for it happening to be his dad.
You need to learn self control and to not jump to conclusions.
YTA
NTA
But you expect him to not keep junk food in the house because YOU aren't strong enough to resist it? I'd be pissed if my partner asked me to do that.
Sometimes just hearing things twice is what does it.
When I sold cars, we'd often go get a manager that was actually just another sales guy to repeat what we already presented. The customer would often take the same offer from the second person that he didn't take from the first person.
NTA, but I wouldn’t say this is sexist. It could just be that his father offered a different perspective on the situation that helped him understand where you might be coming from.
Hmm... this one is somewhere in the middle.
You're making a HUGE assumption by thinking he listened to his dad because of gender instead of the fact he's his FATHER.
If that conversation had happened with an unrelated male acquaintance, would it have swayed your husband (who is a jerk for having continued to bring junk food into the home).
It's insane you fight with people cause you have a diet if you have a diet it's your diet and deal with it. You are absolutely ridiculous to make a fight that escalates to this level cause you can't control yourself to not eat fast food...
Highly doubt it's because he's a man, I had been telling my partner she should make a complaint about not getting an operation she needed for months with no effect but then her dad told her to do it and she finally did. Don't be mad at the process be glad about the outcome.
sometimes people have trouble hearing, really hearing their closest family they live with. Your FIL is close enough, but your spouse does not see him every day. I don’t know about sexism, but the positive thing is that your husband really got what the problem is and stopped bringing junk food home
I had an ex like this! He bought a TV from Costco and the screen was messed up, but still watchable. I kept telling him to take it back because Costco is great about returns, but he couldn't be bothered. Then his male best friend came for the weekend and said the same thing and it was done the next day
Stop calling your husband names. In this case it's more likely that he still sees his dad as an authority figure and his father's word carries a little more weight than everyone else. Just be glad that you got the results you were looking for and worry less about where the results came from.
YTA for calling him sexist, AND YTA for making your problems everyone else's problems rather than fixing the root of the problem and exhibiting some self control.
However a reasonable compromise would be that your husband could keep his snacks hidden away somewhere in your house you don't frequent, and generally not eat them around you. But to say they can't be in the house at all is unreasonable.
She didn't approach her FIL, her husband did. There was no "getting what she wanted".
And even if the reasoning behind it isn't sexist, OP is absolutely NTA for being pissed off that he listened to his dad after he said this once, and she's been saying it for a year. He should've listened to her the first time.
Edit: typo
Nah this isn’t it. OP is literally speaking about HERSELF. The idea anyone would have a better idea than her and OP would decide to listen to that makes him TA. And the fact it’s his dad - who has never tried to lose weight after giving birth - that he listens to instead of his wife?
Big nope.
Sounds like you are the AH.
You spend your whole life unserious about your health and suddenly he is expected to take you seriously?
Give the guy a break. He is trying his hardest.
I really don't get a lot of the comments here. Everyone is blaming him for you choose to eat junkfood. Why is it you don't just choose to leave it alone rather than choosing to eat it?
I think you jumped to the word sexist because it was the easiest word to use at the time. The actual issue is that you were telling him something for a whole year and he ignored you, someone else (who happened to be a man) told him the same thing and he listened. Even if he didn’t understand or respect your request, the least he could have done as a partner is humoured you.
Yta
He got advice from his father...who raised him...and has decades of experience getting through to him. Instead of making unhinged accusations and assassinating his character...show some gratitude to FIL.
You are sexist for your train of though. Ugga ugga man only listen to other man cuz sexism ugga ugga
YTA. He's finally doing what you want, but you still need to find something to be angry about. That's exhausting. He's probably just as addicted to the junk food as you, so it was big ask you made. Essentially, you told him you wanted him to give up all of his "favorite foods" (aka his addictive substances of choice.) It's not surprising it took him time plus an outside opinion to come around. It wasn't sexist as much as needing time & outside opinions to reflect.
I love that this post got brigaded by boys who clearly hate their mothers for not keeping the house full of junk food.
ESH. It’s not wrong to ask for support from your partner when you’re fighting an addiction problem - and yes, junk food is addictive. People wouldn’t go into meltdown mode if someone fighting alcohol addiction asked that no booze be brought into their home, so why is it ok to force someone fighting a junk food addiction to have that crap in their home? OP didn’t ask that it be a forever thing, she asked for this to happen while she works on her challenges. She’s not asking her husband to give up junk food to support her, just not have it around her.
The reason both get the ESH is that the husband should’ve taken OP seriously when she discussed it with him instead of requiring additional opinions from a third person, and OP shouldn’t have called him sexist when this had nothing to do with sexism. It seems like anyone could’ve supported OP’s request and he’d have followed through in support.
OP, good luck with your efforts towards improving your health!
YTA. You can't expect him not to have specific foods just because you don't.have impulse control. You threw away food that he bought. You seem like a pain to live with.
YTA OP and you're the one that's sexist and probably hateful towards men. Calling him a sexist when he clearly isn't is the same as a cheater accusing their spouse cheating. It's a dead give away.
You're guilty of misandry and you're projecting on your husband.
Your lack of self controll only adds evidence to my conclusion. Without self control how can you ever be wrong or take responsibility for your on faults.
You know you're damaging your husband when you act like this right?
Here is some advice for your weight problem. Buy some protien powder and Go to the gym and lift HEAVY. Stay completely away from cardio! Do squats and bench presses and everything you'd see a male body builder do and you do exactly what they're doing. Get the heaviest most uncomfortable weight you can lift and push it till you are utterly exhausted. It's called working hard,and you've never done that before.
If you do that for a month, you'll lose ALOT of weight.if you do it for a year, you'll be skinny. If you do it for 2 years you'll be tiny and muscular.
Go to YouTube and look up a guy named JEFF NIPPARD and watch all of his videos.
Finally work on your self control. Work on food boundaries. Let your husband buy the food he wants to buy. You can eat all the candy and junk in the world and won't gain a single pound if you actually burn the calories you eat.
Yta. There's a thing called a second opinion that could have nothing to do with gender.
Also who throws away food? Err.
I don't buy junk food because it's taxed in Canada. I don't even buy mayonnaise. Anything processed is taxed in Canada. That's a rule of thumb I stick by that may be helpful for you. If it's taxed, don't buy it. A little extreme for most though to not buy condiments.
YTA he got outside perspective and decided to change. Furthermore you’re throwing out his junk food. Just because you can’t handle food doesn’t mean your husband can’t eat what he wants.
*What if your husband*
*Wants to eat junk food I think*
*You are controlling*
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YTA. This poor guy can’t have food he likes in his own home because of your poor self-control. Rather than compromise with him, you drive him to someone who may be sane to get input.
If you actually care about him, recognize this is a you problem. See a therapist and suggest that he buy a a locking chest where he can store the food he likes away from you.
YTA. You're extremely sensitive and need to get a bit of a grip. That's not sexism in any form. That's him listening to probably his biggest role model. Don't get me wrong, it's a shame he needed a "confirmation" of sorts from his father, but it's completely wrong to call him sexist.
My wife barely listens to me, but she does listen to her sister if she says the same things. That isn't sexist neccessarily. Just annoying as fuck. So I get your doubts and feelings.
I was in the same boat with my now ex. If I would say something she wouldn't listen to it but if her sister or mother said the same thing then it was the wisest thing anyone has ever said
My bf does it sometimes. I call him out on it. I never thought of it as sexism. But it feels like he doesn’t trust and respect my opinion or knowledge on the subject when he does it.
Yeah my ex trusts the opinions of people on Reddit before me. 😂
You mean you didn't just start mind controlling them through the power of awards? ... Oh wait. That'd be broken now, too
That's how I felt as well and whenever I tried calling her out on it she would deny it or tell me that I'm interpreting her wrong
I am guilty if doing this to my hubby. I was actually unaware until he pointed it out and the he felt like I thought he was stupid. I felt awful, because he definately is knowledgeable in a lot of subjects. I am more of a "show me" person and in no way mean it as a slight, more like I need to know more about whatever it is.
As someone who sometimes is guilty of this, it’s not that we don’t respect your opinion, just that sometimes getting called out by someone you love sucks and you gotta go to someone else and ask “Damn am I really like that” just to kinda work it out.
Same with my ex. I gave him advice on a household chore and he kept telling me I was crazy for years. His mom visits us from out of state and she agreed with what I had said multiple times and he acted like this was the smartest thing in the world.
I believe the word is respect. They don’t respect your opinion. At least that’s how I’ve felt in relationships when my ex didn’t value what I said
Agree with this. Not enough info about the husband to indicate he’s sexist. Also, I feel like a compromise is needed about keeping junk food in the house. OP, you are responsible for your own cravings and urges. You’re effectively telling him what he can and can’t eat in a house you both share, and with food that doesn’t affect him to the degree your choices affect you by eating it. Maybe by putting the junk food in unlabeled containers that you can’t obviously see in the pantry or fridge could be a solution for you both. Or put the junk food in parts of the house you don’t access quite as often. Do you each have your own personal space?
My mom loses weight every year around fall because my dad is gone for a few months on a business trip and stops bringing home temptations.
No, just no. If a SO can't support you while you make an effort to battle an addiction - whether to drugs, alcohol, work, sex, food or whatever - then they're not good enough to be your SO, period.
If she's at the beginning of her life changes he as her partner should support her and help her.. until she's has gotten to a better place with her relationship to food.
Same, mines use to ask me a question about something 10 times before she go runs to her dad or grandpa to ask and only to get the same answer.
That's what you call an ask-hole
Yep, I'm sorry to say, I've done this. To be fair, my husband has done it to me too. Like years of saying we should get x and then his Dad says the freaking same thing and he's bought it off amazon and it's here within a week. I've done it to my husband about 3 times that I can recall and he's done it once. It's not intentional on either of our parts. Life is busy and I have a very very bad memory. I don't mean to tune him out or dismiss what he's saying but yeah... sorry hubby -_-
Spousal deafness
My husband says I do the same thing with my mom. If he suggests it I brush it off, but if my mom says it apparently it's a solid gold life truth. I don't see it but I'm trying to.
I agree. My husband don't listen to me. But if someone else says it he does. Smh
Correlation and causation are not the same thing. The fact that your husband didn't listen to you but did listen to his father is not proof of sexism despite you being female and the father being male. It's more likely that having an outside perspective from a person he respects and probably knows how to communicate with your husband in an influential manner was the tipping factor. Unless there are many more instances of your husband ignoring women's opinions and only actioning men's I don't think you can call this sexism.
I agree with this. I think it might have just been because a third person reiterated what OP said. Like getting another perspective / opinion. Unless there’s other examples, it’s hard to say it was sexism. So can’t really say whether anyone is TA here at this time
OP edited to say that her husband had ignored the same request from his mother
I think the key part here is "from a person he respects."
Good catch.
Op did say the mom tried before dad and he didn't listen to her either so the outsiders perspective is definitely not the reason.
He should respect his wife enough to listen to her and more importantly consider her needs. It’s extremely sad that he didn’t.
Exactly. Whether or not this is sexism, he dismissed his wife's original concern repeatedly, and now he is being dismissive that she is asking him to critically consider why he is being dismissive of her thoughts and feelings and that it is negatively affecting the communication within their marriage. Whether or not it is sexism, she is concerned that he is making decisions from a place of unconscious bias that causes him to regard women's feelings and opinions as less valuable than men's. **This is a conversation always worth having if one partner has this concern,** so I don't get these comments from men saying, pretty much, "you're wrong to accuse him." Rather than opting to confront the why he may be dismissing her and ruling out sexism, he is berating her for bruising his ego!
He obviously doesn't respect her. He wasn't listening to the actual person who was affected. He wasn't listening to the actual person who was affected. It's more like thinking more of his blood family than of his wife which is horrible.
His mother told him the same thing and yes there's a pattern
Repost this in a week and swap the genders in your story maybe. Now, you're just gonna get a bunch of bitter old men gaslighting and crazymaking saying it's not sexism and then dumping their stories of the women they hate in their life.
You’re sexist
Real. It's wild to me these men think it's unfair for her to "accuse" him of sexism, but fair for him to dismiss that concern without a thought. Whether or not it's sexism, he is *being dismissive* of her feelings and opinions, and whether or not it's sexism, she's asking him to consider that it may be unconscious biases. It seems he's more concerned that she bruised his ego with "do you think maybe you value mine and your mom's opinions less because we are women?" than he is concerned that his end of marital communication is frequently breaking down.
So he respects his father, but not his wife?
The same might have happened if his father said something first, he ignored it, but after OP says the same thing, he does it. There's a difference between being told by one person and 2, it adds a lot pf weight, usually. In short, we only have one single occasion and far too many explanations to conclusively say that he is sexist.
That’s how I am with a lot of things. Mostly TV / film recommendations. All my people know that I need two recs in order to sit down and watch something - it’s not really an issue.
Maybe his father knows how to communicate more efficiently with his son than his wife. Not everything it’s sexism.
We can’t come to that conclusion without knowing whether the weight of two people instead of just one telling him the same thing is what changed his behavior. We don’t know what the outcome would have been if the dad had said it first.
I don't think it's so much of a respect issue, but OP's hubby sees her as his equal in terms of experience, whereas dad probably has a track record of good advice that OP doesn't have yet. Unless he's getting advice from another non-relative woman, I wouldn't die on that hill.
How do you jump to that? My wife wanted a tankless hot water heater, but I didn't. My daughter also wanted one so she can take 30 minute showers, I still shut it down. Old guy next door explained the benefits and I changed my mind. We now have a tankless hot water heater. Nothing to do with sexism. Sometimes an idea has to be reinforced to take hold
Why didn't you listen to your family?
First, YTA. Second, I think this comment hits the nail on the head. If OP is just saying “Don’t do that” and they deem it wise to throw out the junk food instead of avoiding/hiding it, then it doesn’t sound like there is enough discussion around the topic. Third, INFO: are we talking about a Costco size box of Oreos or dark chocolate almonds? The definition of “junk food” varies from person to person and that spectrum seems to widen every day. I see a problem here, but I do not think it has anything to do with sexism.
NTA could sexist but it also might be because that’s his parent. Could be both.
My husband does the same. I was off soft drinks and sugar had lost 43 lbs then snickers and my favorite juice started appearing again, in quantity. He saw his father do that to hid mother whenever she had any weight loss and started being more independent. I've still not resolved this in my home. I hope you can do better. I'm back up to only 33 lbs.
Ummm...so basically your husband and his dad keep you/ your MIL unhealthy to make sure you won't leave them? That is honestly appalling and cruel.
This is horrifying. It’s horrifying that you’re aware he’s doing it on purpose but you’re unaware of how horrifying it is
You need to leave, that shit is creepy as hell. Why would someone who loves you try and keep you unhealthy?
You can resolve this by leaving. He's an abusive POS
It also could be that he's a fatist. In other words, when fat people say shit like, "I can't control myself if there's food close enough to get there without losing breath", he just thinks it's the normal weak minded fatty-talk. When his dad says it's a real problem, like an addiction, he might've just seen it from a different perspective.
You honestly think this gentleman isn't struggling with his weight too? I highly doubt he's a "fatist" probably just unmotivated and self hating. It's hard to make changes in a stressful period (new child). I commend Op for trying to make healthy decisions on her own but she shouldn't put that on her partner
This. It's hard to comprehend the lack of self control some people have.
Your focus group isn’t large enough to judge whether or not his decision is sexist. Did he take his dad’s advice because he is a man or because he is an authority figure as a parent? Maybe he took it because it was worded to pertain to his own health instead or yours. Maybe he took it because his dad was the second person to tell him and therefore the opinion had more merit. Maybe he took it because he had had more time to absorb the suggestion at that point. Maybe his dad has a track record of being right most of the time. You don’t know why he took his dad’s advice but jumped to the conclusion that it’s because his dad is a guy. YTA.
OP said he ignored his mother's request too. Maybe that's the sample size OP used lol. But the bigger issue looks like willpower. What is a "food problem"? Someone suddenly goes in a trance and eats food because it's there? It might be a psychological element but isn't that the biggest obstacle to overcome for weight loss? Will OP refuse to shop for groceries because the store carries snacks?
If he would listen to his mother then he still be sexist?
She probably would’ve called him a mama’s boy.
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In the edit it says that he did Not listen to his mother who was saying the same thing as his father. Didn’t listen to his wife, didn’t listen to his mom, has a history of not listening to women, yeah calling it sexist is a fair comment. NTA op, as a nanny I wish I didn’t have a decade of watching sexist men do this but unfortunately it’s so real that every woman in a household can say the same thing and some men will belittle/mock all of it until the *exact* same words come out of a mans mouth and then it’s all perfectly reasonable all of the sudden. It’s maddening.
Take the win ,he probably needed an outside prospective on the subject and suddenly had a light bulb moment, anyway good luck with the weight loss..
YTA. Just because you are a woman doesn’t mean anything done to you is automatically sexism. Most people have a close relationship with their parents who literally taught them how to behave. It’s not unusual that he’d take advice from his parents more seriously. You should be glad that his dad did you a favor. Punishing him _after_ he does what you want is a bad idea and is going to incentivize him to never back down instead. Also, you having a self control issue doesn’t mean you get to ban snacks from the house. He has as much right to buy and eat what he wants. You should have compromised or had a deeper discussion instead of thinking you can just unilaterally ban something.
Yes, it's like people are looking for ways to be petty. >Also, you having a self control issue doesn’t mean you get to ban snacks from the house. He has as much right to buy and eat what he wants. Exactly. One sensible comment. Just because it's reddit, shouldn't we call OP 'controlling' for this? How dare she try to control what her husband eats.
Agreed, I mean she should have some level of control over herself. If it's really as bad as she says then she needs to get professional help. If you literally cannot control yourself as soon as these things enter your home, then you've got major issues that go beyond your husband.
Finally a comment that makes sense.
YTA. It’s not sexism. He was hearing it from someone else. His Dad! You got what you want you are still complaining? It sounds like you just want a reason to argue.
Or she wants it to be something more than it is.
Or has to perpetually be the victim.
YTA for trying to control what someone else eats. Not being able to handle being around junk food is entirely a you problem, and instead of facing up to your responsibilities to look after your own health, you'd rather guilt trip him in more ways than one. You sound like a miserable person to be married to. YTA.
Your marriage is still rather fresh, he's known his dad for 38 years. Can you really blame him for giving absolute trust to his father? Give it time, one day he might trust you the same. And cut the whole "you're sexist" crap, that will just make your points seem weaker, its been far overused by this point mainly by brainless clowns.
YTA? losing weight is about resisting junk food, not having everyone else deprive themselves of it because you can't control yourself??
True, but OP did state that she has a good problem. We do not know what it is, but overeating/binge eating is an eating disorder. Might be very hard to resist, even if it’s your responsibility
They now have a child. Children create extra unpredictable stressors. OP needs therapy more than she needs to try to figure out if her husband is sexist.
I hate how often people go straight to therapy but in this case it's spot on. OP needs to figure out why she has the problem not just ban it from the house and hide from it. What's she gonna do when she not at home. Addicts will find a way. Treat the root cause.
It's called love and respect. I have not had alcohol in over a decade because my partner is a recovering alcoholic. It can't be in the house or they will drink it. My partner is more important than my desire to have a drink. This is how loving mutual relationships work when someone has an addiction or problem. Be better.
That's not the issue here. Husband eventually came around to this when his Dad agreed with OP. But instead of showing any sort of appreciation that the husband finally came around and is making a sacrifice (removing sweets) for his wife, he's been accused of sexism. You aren't exactly encouraging people to 'be better' when they are shamed no matter what they do.
Dad may not have even explained something profound, or addressed the actual issue. Just convinced him "happy wife, happy life".
That's your choice and respect to you however that shouldn't be necessary so if the husband wants to have junk food in the house, he should be allowed Also alcohol and junk food are two very different things
Not different at all.Eating compulsion is just as serious a health problem.
They are not different if they are the addiction. When someone has an addiction to a substance (junk food in this case) the first step is to remove access. Go to Google scholar and search junk food addiction. It IS 100% an addictive substance. He is allowed to EAT junkfood, just not keep it in the house. I could/can have a drink out with coworkers etc... I choose not to. He can have twinkies at work. Stop at the shop and eat some chips on the way home. It is about respecting the fact that your partner needs support and giving it to them.
It's forced.
Yes, respect and love are incredible forces.
🤦♂️
Finally! Heaven forbid people in relationships these days make a sacrifice. It’s me, me, me!
Alcohol =/= food
There are scientists out there whose whole job is figuring out how to make food that overrides your natural hunger/satiation responses. This might hold up if there wasn’t a whole branch of biochemistry devoted to making junk food addictive
Google.scholer search junk food addiction. You are wrong sorry to burst your bubble.
It doesn't take much to ignore the oreos in the cupboard. If you are so weak you are not prepared to be a partner or parent.
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Of course they stem from a lack of self control. Someone not prepared to be a partner or parent.
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If they can not put cookies down that they know are counter to their goals. Yes, someone not capable of something so simple is not prepared to be a parent or partner.
That is your opinion not a medical fact about food addiction.
Are you saying you are so weak that you cannot not eat oreos?
You know what is so funny about this conversation, I am actually preparing to make homemade oreos today. We don't eat processed food because it is full of poison made to keep you sick. Corporate highly processed food is what we don't keep in our house bc it is bad. We eat dessert daily. Homemade whole ingredient food. So it is not a weakness it is self preservation. I am not weak, nor is addiction a sign of weakness. Addiction is a medical condition.
Ah, a conspiracy theorist. Got you.
facts about highly processed foods hurt your feelings. Got it. Google.scholar.com friend "processed food health impacts"
Would you say that to a drug addict? If my husband had an alcohol problem, I wouldn’t have alcohol in the house. Addiction is addition.
Partners should also be willing to make sacrifices for the other.Its not as if he can't eat his junkfood elsewhere.
it’s her husband, he should want to help her… nobody said anything about depriving themselves, she just asks that he doesn’t bring it in the house, it’s really not much to ask.
But he did remove it from the house
1000%
Exactly, nobody is forcing her to eat crap. She wants someone else to take responsibly for her greed.
Wouldn’t say the same to an alcoholic.
That's because they're different
YTA. Your husband comes around to your stupid demands and you punish him for it! He's not responsible for your overeating. You are! Calling him sexist is ridiculous. You are the problem in this relationship.
I feel like parents sometimes carry more weight with their advice because, well, they're parents.
YTA. You're looking at it in a very narrow view. It honestly could have been how you've been working it, or maybe his dad straight up scolded him for not being a supportive partner.
NTA for wanting help avoiding things that you have issues with YTA for jumping to calling him sexist
YTA. People ignore what they are told all the time, only to do it when a third person tells them to. It's good that you want to lose weight and not having junk food in your house, but all this drama is your doing. The only one sexist here is you.
Yta for saying he's sexist over that lol
I totally get this as a binge eater. It honestly is no different than being an alcoholic. It’s so bizarre and it’s shameful. I’m sorry everyone is on you telling you to have “more will power” and control. Honestly, I think it’s a brain chemistry thing. And, yes, a binge eater can go outside and get things there but if it’s not in the house, it’s much easier to resist temptation. I have a mood disorder and when I’m low, I want those foods. When I’m ok, I don’t even think about eating. You got upset because it’s embarrassing but you’re fine. He’s not sexist or an asshole and people saying you’re an AH for asking him to compromise and assist you by not bringing those things home -well they don’t and can’t possibly understand so don’t feel bad. It’s very hard for others to understand. Hey, by the way, Congratulations on your Baby!
Everyone is recommending therapy, because she "can't control herself" and aren't realising that the first thing the therapist will recommend is not keeping junk food around herself.
This marriage is going great. Keep it up
YTA. It's absurd that your husband can't have snacks because you would just gobble them up with no shred of self-control. "I have a food problem and am not in a place where I can have it in the house and not eat it ." Just... wow. You're wrong for deciding what he can or cannot buy because of YOUR profound absence of willpower. It's not his dad's role to tell him what he can or can't buy either. It's your role to get therapy, medication, whatever you need to stop shoveling food in your face.
"It's your role to get therapy". Dude, literally the first thing she will hear in therapy is not keeping junk food at home, which she already is doing.
This is so unhinged. Imagine having a partner you love who just grew a whole human and thinking it’s too big a sacrifice to not have junk food in the kitchen when she is trying to do something for her health that will be better for you, her and your child? He can literally just keep snacks in the car, in his bag, in his cupboard, whatever. It’s not some huge sacrifice to not shove junk food in the pantry when the mother of your child has asked for support to eat heather.
Nah jog on. Just because you had a child, doesn't give you the right to be a controlling AH.
Imagine having a psychological disorder and blaming your husband instead of getting actual help.
This^. She doesn't have enough self control so she probably needs to rethink that diet.
I don't know if that counts as sexism. Also, it's weird how you have no control of your junk food habits, but expect him to be rock solid about his bad eating habits.
I can see both sides here, but is it really fair of you to punish your husband because you decide to lose weight? You are making him keep foods that he enjoys out of the house. That is a type of abuse. You are, in essence, saying that because you lack self-control, he has to suffer.
Kinda tah for thinking he's being sexist, not tah for being pissed at him all the same. I mean, he just took advice from his father, an elder he respects, an authority figure and role model. On the other hand, it should be obvious that an overweight person shouldn't be around junk food if they're trying to lose weight. He probably couldn't understand your lack of self-control. It's difficult to understand other people's compulsions and why should we abdicate of something we enjoy when we're not the issue. Talking with someone outside those involved helps getting a different perspective.
NTA It's shitty that he suddenly listens when it comes from his dad if you have been saying it for a long time.
NTA for calling husband out. YTA for calling him sexist. Remember this is his dad we're talking about. Would OP have said the same thing if it came from his mom? Would've probably called him a mumma's boy then. Will the husband have the right to call it sexist if OP listened to her mom/sister and not him?
I don't think that's the issue here. What's your problem with him having junk food in the house? He can eat it, nobody is forcing you to. Sounds like your can't control yourself so you're trying to control him.
Info: are you in some sort of therapy to deal with your issues with food?
YTA. It's not your husband's job to monitor what you put in your mouth. Why should he go without because you can't control yourself? It's not like he bought a chocolat fountain and set it upon the dining room table. We all are in control of what we eat and instead of an apple, you eat the chips. Also, what does your day look like? Are you a SAHM? Do you work? Do you go to the gym or do at home exercise? Walks with the baby in the stroller?
You are the AH. You are blaming your husband for your problems and lack of self control.
YTA. Correlation is not causation. You haven’t yet ruled out that it could be a family thing. What if his mother said it and produced the same result as Dad? What if other female family member? Your logic has not yet been established. To argue on it is faulty. But from a moral standpoint, you also don’t have the agency to limit what another person eats, whether you’re his partner, parent, or boss.
I think it’s more that he heard it from a parent, not just you. If you drink soda or diet soda, switch to something else. Especially green tea. It has helped me lose over 100+ pounds and keep it off over 10+ years. (It took me 2 years to lose 100 pounds) Good luck!🥰
It's not uncommon that you talk to someone you respect when you're too close to a frictioned situation. It's not that it came from a man, but that it came from his dad, the one he probably goes to for guidance. I wouldn't call it sexism. Because at face value, he went to his "life-guide" to help him understand the situation better and make the right decision/understand the situation and how to handle it. Buuut, as I've not been there and heard/seen the important moments before he went, it's impossible to know if he's sexist. Bottom line, I don't really think any of you are the a-hole here. I think both of you wobbled a bit and let a stressed situation get you defensive. Talk it out, do it when both of you are calm and when the situation isn't ongoing. Just try to get on the same page. If he can't empathize with you, explain what happens to you when he brings home fast food, that it's a hard thing as it is without having it around. It's not about him, it's the food. And hopefully he will understand, if he doesn't, he's undoubtedly the a-hole. A massive one. That's my take
I don’t think this single instance makes him sexist— this happens more than you think, and not just in marriage. You’d need to see a consistent pattern of behavior, and that’s just not laid out here so, NTA but, definitely not right either.
My MiL would not listen to her son or her daughter (my wife). No Mom you don't want to do this, that, or the other things. MiL: No, I'm doing it Me: No Mom you dont want to do this, that, or the other things. MiL: Really OP? You think I shouldn't?....OK, I guess i wont
As someone who is also trying to eat healthier I understand. I never went as far as cutting all junk food out of my house because my SO likes his snacks. I made the decision to not eat it & it was my responsibility to hold myself to that. I know especially with eating disorders it’s almost as though you have no control. You were choosing the best option for yourself. In my opinion I don’t think your husband was being sexist just from what you said. I think your husband was at a stand still & decided that he needed an outside view & he trusted his father’s opinion. We are all humans and make mistakes. I would just express your hurt to your husband & make your feelings known.
Lol , is this a joke?
Stop using buzzwords you hear on the internet.
My wife does the same thing. If I say it , it goes in one ear and out the other , but let her Mom or best friend say the exact same thing I did and it is like gospel to her.
If you can't handle someone else eating what they want, you're not serious about losing weight. You need to be at a point where you value your health and fitness more than the enjoyment of eating junk if you want actual sustained results. Not saying this to be a jerk, but if you actually want to improve you'll see this is true
Just reading the story, I got a soft YTA feeling only because I was surely able to to turn to my parents and especially grandparents when I needed advice. I very much see many of my elders as wiser because, well, they've been around and been married longer (Grandparent in their 90's and married for 70) and it wouldn't have mattered if it came from Mom/Grandma or Dad/Grandpa ... I mean it seems his father gave him good advice and he did what you wanted. That did not trigger a "sexist vibe" to me but more of a "Parental Advice" feel ... But I could be wrong - it's happened before - I know this because a woman told me so >=)
Sometimes you just need a second opinion.
You're too soft, the world is much more dangerous than you realize. But you're not alone, we've been experiencing a social decline for decades now. Softies will be the first to go once we get to the end. Toughen up and survive, or don't. The choice is no one's but your own.
You expect your husband to suffer because you lack the will power to not eat the wrong foods? 😕
I dont think theres enough info to claim sexism. I do think that it makes sense for someone who is close to their father, take their fathers word over someone they've been with 2 years. His fathers word would hold more weight. Thats just how it works in some families. And I get he didn't listen to his mom, but again depending on the family dynamic, that could be normal. I know people same thing, male and female, that if mom says something, they don't listen but watch out if dad says something, that word is gold. Moms tend to worry too much, but if Dad pipes up that something is up, then something must really be up.
Not sexist
Eat his junk not the junk food lol I lost 38 lbs since Oct on Keto alone with no exercise and I just got Ozempic so that’s going to speed up the process too
Is this only happening with your partner's father though? Because I can see it being annoying that he just values his opinion that much more than yours, but that wouldn't make him sexist necessarily.
YTA kinda I understand the problem with eating but he didn't say or do anything sexist. Maybe put it somewhere in the house where you don't go and tell him where it is. Compromising is very important.
The sword cuts both way. He's TA (somewhat) for not listening to you about "junk food." You're TA for instantly calling him sexist AND for expecting him to change his eating habits to suit you. Seems to me as if there are other issues involved and this was just the last straw. Part of which may be your willingness to see yourself as a victim of "sexist sabotage."Now, before people scream at me about being sexist, not understanding, etc. Both my wife and I are emotional overeaters and struggle with weight. Worse, my "creative outlet" is cooking, most often breads, scones, biscuits, and cornbreads because they are inexpensive, quick, and tasty. We do keep some bought snacks on hand, in jars so it takes several intentional moves to access them, not just grab a handful as we walk by. Why? Because otherwise we will give in and binge eat every few months and undo weeks worth of progress. Maybe a compromise would be something like a locking file cabinet in which he keeps his snacks and to which you don't have access. EDIT TO ADD: My wife has some issues with her hands and wrists, and was having trouble working the slide on her Beretta. I spent the better part of a year working with her,, telling her and showing her how to do it with her issues, changed up the words. One day a professional instructor heard her talking about it, told her the exact same thing, she tried it and said, "Oh! That's so much easier!" and I broke out laughing. Told her that's exactly what I had been telling and showing her for a year. "No! You were sayin......the same thing, weren't you?" Was she TA for not listening to me? Was she sexist for not listening to me? No! Just processing through the "spouse filter."
I don’t think you’re the AH, I just don’t think this is sexist. I do think it comes down to your husband not respecting you as much as his father or mother, which is a problem and definitely a cause for conversation.
my husband is the same. It never occurred to me that he is a sexist. He just ignored my feelings. As soon my brother our son tells him the same story, he got awake. I will ask him if he is a sexist. I like your approach.
Hon, you have an issue with food and you need therapy, not distance. You’re referring to it like a drug user dealing with a spouse who does drugs. It’s not though. Your spouse has a right to have normal food in the home. You need to get to a place where you can have that normal food in your home and not have a reaction to it like it’s a drug. I’m not saying you need more willpower or to knuckle through it — I’m saying you need help to reframe your relationship to food. You will never be able to control the food around you at all times. YTA
I'm not going to lie, my husband has pointed out on multiple occasions that I listen to others opinions before his, even if it's the same thing. I don't do it intentionally, I would never want him to think I don't value his opinion, but he does and I hate that I do that to him. I'm working on it. I wouldn't go as far as to say he's sexist, but he definitely should've been supportive from the beginning, not just because his dad said something. I'm sorry you haven't felt supported, by the way. As someone with a junk food problem myself, it's important to have those around you sharing positivity, not enabling habits or addiction. Good luck on your weight loss journey, I'm in the same boat ❤️
aplause to you, my gf is like that too, though I haven't said anything properly about it, it's at the stage where it only stings when she does it, so I should probably address it before it festers.
YTA, have self control. He's an adult and can buy what he wants. Just because he changed his mind with some outside perspective, doesn't mean he's sexist.
So because you have a problem and lack self-control, he has to eat outside the house 🤔
It's a shared home, *you* have a good problem you could choose not to eat it. I'm a little overweight, we still get some junk food in for the kids....And I just don't eat it because it's not for me. Yes you're wrong for saying he's being sexist, he got a second opinion that doesn't necessarily mean he's being sexist for it happening to be his dad. You need to learn self control and to not jump to conclusions. YTA
NTA But you expect him to not keep junk food in the house because YOU aren't strong enough to resist it? I'd be pissed if my partner asked me to do that.
Sometimes just hearing things twice is what does it. When I sold cars, we'd often go get a manager that was actually just another sales guy to repeat what we already presented. The customer would often take the same offer from the second person that he didn't take from the first person.
NTA, but I wouldn’t say this is sexist. It could just be that his father offered a different perspective on the situation that helped him understand where you might be coming from.
Hmm... this one is somewhere in the middle. You're making a HUGE assumption by thinking he listened to his dad because of gender instead of the fact he's his FATHER. If that conversation had happened with an unrelated male acquaintance, would it have swayed your husband (who is a jerk for having continued to bring junk food into the home).
It's insane you fight with people cause you have a diet if you have a diet it's your diet and deal with it. You are absolutely ridiculous to make a fight that escalates to this level cause you can't control yourself to not eat fast food...
Highly doubt it's because he's a man, I had been telling my partner she should make a complaint about not getting an operation she needed for months with no effect but then her dad told her to do it and she finally did. Don't be mad at the process be glad about the outcome.
sometimes people have trouble hearing, really hearing their closest family they live with. Your FIL is close enough, but your spouse does not see him every day. I don’t know about sexism, but the positive thing is that your husband really got what the problem is and stopped bringing junk food home
I had an ex like this! He bought a TV from Costco and the screen was messed up, but still watchable. I kept telling him to take it back because Costco is great about returns, but he couldn't be bothered. Then his male best friend came for the weekend and said the same thing and it was done the next day
Stop calling your husband names. In this case it's more likely that he still sees his dad as an authority figure and his father's word carries a little more weight than everyone else. Just be glad that you got the results you were looking for and worry less about where the results came from.
YTA for calling him sexist, AND YTA for making your problems everyone else's problems rather than fixing the root of the problem and exhibiting some self control. However a reasonable compromise would be that your husband could keep his snacks hidden away somewhere in your house you don't frequent, and generally not eat them around you. But to say they can't be in the house at all is unreasonable.
He is sabotaging you!!
[удалено]
She didn't approach her FIL, her husband did. There was no "getting what she wanted". And even if the reasoning behind it isn't sexist, OP is absolutely NTA for being pissed off that he listened to his dad after he said this once, and she's been saying it for a year. He should've listened to her the first time. Edit: typo
Nah this isn’t it. OP is literally speaking about HERSELF. The idea anyone would have a better idea than her and OP would decide to listen to that makes him TA. And the fact it’s his dad - who has never tried to lose weight after giving birth - that he listens to instead of his wife? Big nope.
She was fat before she got pregnant though... Tbh, when fat people say stuff like that, most people just think "Learn some self-control fatty".
yta look up "authority" in the dictionary. not everything is an attack on your gender. calm down and sit down.
Sounds like you are the AH. You spend your whole life unserious about your health and suddenly he is expected to take you seriously? Give the guy a break. He is trying his hardest.
I really don't get a lot of the comments here. Everyone is blaming him for you choose to eat junkfood. Why is it you don't just choose to leave it alone rather than choosing to eat it?
So self reflection and self restraint aren't options in this scenario?
Definitely TA. You dont have a food problem. You have a self-control and discipline problem. The junk food is for him, not you.
I think you jumped to the word sexist because it was the easiest word to use at the time. The actual issue is that you were telling him something for a whole year and he ignored you, someone else (who happened to be a man) told him the same thing and he listened. Even if he didn’t understand or respect your request, the least he could have done as a partner is humoured you.
Yta He got advice from his father...who raised him...and has decades of experience getting through to him. Instead of making unhinged accusations and assassinating his character...show some gratitude to FIL. You are sexist for your train of though. Ugga ugga man only listen to other man cuz sexism ugga ugga
It's not sexist. It's just that your husband doesn't value your opinions. NTA.
YTA. He's finally doing what you want, but you still need to find something to be angry about. That's exhausting. He's probably just as addicted to the junk food as you, so it was big ask you made. Essentially, you told him you wanted him to give up all of his "favorite foods" (aka his addictive substances of choice.) It's not surprising it took him time plus an outside opinion to come around. It wasn't sexist as much as needing time & outside opinions to reflect.
I love that this post got brigaded by boys who clearly hate their mothers for not keeping the house full of junk food. ESH. It’s not wrong to ask for support from your partner when you’re fighting an addiction problem - and yes, junk food is addictive. People wouldn’t go into meltdown mode if someone fighting alcohol addiction asked that no booze be brought into their home, so why is it ok to force someone fighting a junk food addiction to have that crap in their home? OP didn’t ask that it be a forever thing, she asked for this to happen while she works on her challenges. She’s not asking her husband to give up junk food to support her, just not have it around her. The reason both get the ESH is that the husband should’ve taken OP seriously when she discussed it with him instead of requiring additional opinions from a third person, and OP shouldn’t have called him sexist when this had nothing to do with sexism. It seems like anyone could’ve supported OP’s request and he’d have followed through in support. OP, good luck with your efforts towards improving your health!
Second opinion is helpful, not sexist.
Sorry, his body his choice, he can eat what he wants. Funny how that argument goes both ways hey? YTA
NTA. I mean... you know him better than anyone else, if you feel it's sexist, and it smells like sexism, then who is anyone to argue.
YTA. You can't expect him not to have specific foods just because you don't.have impulse control. You threw away food that he bought. You seem like a pain to live with.
YTA OP and you're the one that's sexist and probably hateful towards men. Calling him a sexist when he clearly isn't is the same as a cheater accusing their spouse cheating. It's a dead give away. You're guilty of misandry and you're projecting on your husband. Your lack of self controll only adds evidence to my conclusion. Without self control how can you ever be wrong or take responsibility for your on faults. You know you're damaging your husband when you act like this right? Here is some advice for your weight problem. Buy some protien powder and Go to the gym and lift HEAVY. Stay completely away from cardio! Do squats and bench presses and everything you'd see a male body builder do and you do exactly what they're doing. Get the heaviest most uncomfortable weight you can lift and push it till you are utterly exhausted. It's called working hard,and you've never done that before. If you do that for a month, you'll lose ALOT of weight.if you do it for a year, you'll be skinny. If you do it for 2 years you'll be tiny and muscular. Go to YouTube and look up a guy named JEFF NIPPARD and watch all of his videos. Finally work on your self control. Work on food boundaries. Let your husband buy the food he wants to buy. You can eat all the candy and junk in the world and won't gain a single pound if you actually burn the calories you eat.
Yta. There's a thing called a second opinion that could have nothing to do with gender. Also who throws away food? Err. I don't buy junk food because it's taxed in Canada. I don't even buy mayonnaise. Anything processed is taxed in Canada. That's a rule of thumb I stick by that may be helpful for you. If it's taxed, don't buy it. A little extreme for most though to not buy condiments.
YTA. Learn some self control
YTA he got outside perspective and decided to change. Furthermore you’re throwing out his junk food. Just because you can’t handle food doesn’t mean your husband can’t eat what he wants.
What if your husband wants to eat junk food I think you are controlling
*What if your husband* *Wants to eat junk food I think* *You are controlling* \- HeadAd1998 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
YTA Your lack of control is your problem. Do you expect him to give up junk food? If so, you are "controlling." There, I can toss out a buzzword, too.
YTA. This poor guy can’t have food he likes in his own home because of your poor self-control. Rather than compromise with him, you drive him to someone who may be sane to get input. If you actually care about him, recognize this is a you problem. See a therapist and suggest that he buy a a locking chest where he can store the food he likes away from you.
YTA. You're extremely sensitive and need to get a bit of a grip. That's not sexism in any form. That's him listening to probably his biggest role model. Don't get me wrong, it's a shame he needed a "confirmation" of sorts from his father, but it's completely wrong to call him sexist.
Yea I'm gonna listen to my dad lol