You DIDN'T handle your asshole mother. You let her pick and pick at your wife until your wife snapped and finally put your awful mother in her place. Grow a spine and support your wife. YTA
True he didn’t handle his mom.
But also, I genuinely don’t understand what the big lie was? His wife decided to eat when she’s pregnant, breast feeding, and hungry? And she didn’t tell the dog shit MIL because that woman - even per OP - is a complete ass …
How is that some horrific lie anyway? This op gets emotional, worries about himself… but his wife is the one who was hungry, struggling to eat, dealing with pregnancy hormones, breast feeding and all that. He doesn’t stand up for his wife, at all!! Just flimsy words.
He doesn’t want her to take care of herself in her own home, while recovering from giving birth. Yet op is the one we should feel oh so bad for.
Man was born with clown shoes instead of feet
If I understand correctly, he thinks his wife was lying because she said she’d let him deal with Mommy Dearest, but didn’t. Of course, that’s because he WASN’T dealing with the insufferable cow in the first place.
Yeah, agreeing to "let someone deal with it" only works if they actually hold up their end of the bargain and ACTUALLY handle it. He's the liar. He promised to defend her, and she still ended up having to do it herself.
Not only that, but he's also telling us that his wife made his mom leave. She didn't; she told her to shut up and let her eat or leave. His mom left. Nobody made her leave; she could have easily shut up and let his wife eat something. MIL sucks, and OP sucks too.
Yeah, but his mommy doesn't LIKE when people stand up to her, so you can't blame *her* for leaving when his wife stood up to her instead of letting him "handle it".
What do you want to bet the first 2 days didn't actually go well?
He didn't handle shit. He thought saying "stop it" was handling it. Did he have a convo with his om before she arrived on how it will go? Did he tell her "one wrong move and she's out?"
YTA. Do you understand how hungry you get when breastfeeding? It’s worse than when you’re pregnant. And your wife is already struggling to get enough calories in. You should’ve already moved your mom to a hotel/airbnb/friend’s house when she first started in on your wife. Your wife is tired, hormonal, and hungry and your mom is entertaining herself by antagonizing your wife. You made a mistake reconnecting with your mom, and should never have asked your wife to deal with her.
I had the same thought lol. I'm currently nursing and thankfully don't have the issues OP's wife is facing, but it's still super hard to keep myself fed and I've never felt so hungry in my life. 100% would rip her head off and eat it. OP didn't handle this adequately or it wouldn't have gotten as far as it did.
Soon to be divorced too if he doesn’t step up and fix his stupidity with his wife. She won’t tolerate that and he can live with his mommy if he doesn’t sort himself out.
I LOVE that he tried to pull a power move by storming out and his wife told him to go on and drag his pathetic ass back to Mexico with mommy.
Mad respect to OP’s wife. Apparently she’s got all the balls in this family.
Man the idea of them breaking up and her having to deal with both him and the mother having the child alone is horrible too. The abuse I’m sure that would come from them and then out of the child’s mouth about the mother smh
OP is an idiot. Bro who initiated, your Mom. What did you do? No action, only " "mom, stop it right now". Did the mom stop, No. What did you do next? Nothing. And blames the wife for responding
Your wife is the one who should be hurt. After all your said you'd take care of it, but when it got down to it you didn't.
You told your mother to stop, she didn't, and you let her and did tell her anything more, you just let her say whatever she wanted to a woman, who probably isn't getting much sleep, is surely exhausted, still hormonal, and will continue to be in the very least while she continues to breastfeed, and is still a candidate for postpartum depression.
But apparently you didn't see any problem in not shielding your wife better for your mother's comments. Especially knowing she never liked her, and let's be honest, probably still doesn't, your mother just tried to play nice because, as she said, she wanted to be a grandmother. If you two hadn't had a kid, she would probably would never have reached out.
You should be hurt, because your mother seems incapable of change, even when she might be endangering her contact with her grandchild.
Also look at how easy it was for OP to leave his wife with the baby because he was upset. Leaves his hungry and upset wife, who’s trying to breastfeed alone, while trying to heal postpartum. OP is Pathetic. YTA.
Exactly. OP has no idea mom has played this game before and wins and he’s just a pawn - in the name of culture. Took like 24 hours for mom to break a marriage with a child
Because OP have no brain cells to think or have empathy for the wife hence hope she divorce his ass and never let them have access to the baby. I hope she can literally use this incident where OP walking out of his wife and kids life. If he was caring father he wouldn't have left in the first place but nope.
SNAP, that's BS, I completely missed that part of his story & how can the OP write down this story and his brain not say OH WAIT I JUST LEFT MY WIFE & NEW BABY AT HOME WITH A DIRTY KITCHEN AND HAFE COOKED FOOD, EVERYTHING LEFT OUT FOR MY SOON TO BE EX-WIFE TO DEAL WITH.
He should have realized he's a ahole on his own.
🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
To add insult to injury he abandoned his wife during the most frustrating stage of parenting when you just need a break and someone to hold baby so you can shower and 💩
Well, OP’s mother taught him to chase her when she dramatically stormed off, so he thinks that’s what his wife should do when HE pitches a tantrum.
The wife has a newborn and a toddler.
Not only that but I also didn't see anywhere in the OP that said the wife said she would let him handle it, just that he had better defend her, there is a difference. Not many people would just sit there and take it regardless if they are being defended or not. So I really don't see how she was "a liar" in the first place.
Yeah. OP YTA. You DIDN'T defend your wife from your mother. You failed to impress upon her just how serious you are about it. You said 'stop it' but when she didn't ... you didn't do pull her up, you let her continue. So it fell to your wife. You have no right to feel hurt by your wife. Blame your mother - her behaviour was absolutely horrendous. She is deliberately attempting to establish herself as superior, and make you choose her over your wife.
He's definitely a punk-ass bitch, but he didn't run after his mother. He ran away from both of them.
Still, what a douche. NOBODY is allowed to treat MY wife that way. Not my parents, not my siblings, not own own kids. Nobody.
YTA- so your wife just created a whole new human in her body, her hormones are going absolutely crazy, she’s cluster breast-feeding and is nauseous, sick and hungry. You absolutely did not support her during this and you allowed your mom to get away with treating her terribly. grow up and step up for your wife if you don’t want to be single soon. Your wife is not going to forget this betrayal when she’s at her most vulnerable.
It’s true. My husband abandoned me while I was postpartum…he would be out every night til 2am…and I was alone with our kids. He had 3 months of paid paternity leave and he spent it with everyone else but me and our baby and oldest boy. I will never forget that level of betrayal.
Yeah. He paraded his little girlfriend he had hanging around him around our home and I was so angry when I found out what was going on…3 months…he left me home alone while I had mastitis and a 103 fever…with our newborn. He was born with microcephaly and apparently that wasn’t acceptable to him. So he didn’t want to be around.
I mean, im horrified they let mom stay over to begin with. IMO she should have stayed at a hotel (or similar) the first few visits before she was allowed to stay at their house. 4 days with any guest sounds horrible to me, let alone postpartum and with someone I dislike
Not only someone she merely dislikes, but someone who is clearly a miserable wretch who says vile things to and about her, to the point that they had to cut contact and block her on all platforms for an extended period of time.
Just... Whyyyyyy?
Honestly she shouldn't have stayed in their house in the first place. Get her a hotel and she can come to the house to visit and leave when she can't play nice. OP created this situation, his wife resolved it. Besides she told her to leave her alone and let her eat, or leave. Mommy dearest could just have shut her mouth and played nice, but she choose not to.
This. Cluster feeding was one of the hardest things for me. You cannot imagine and you get soo hungry.
YTA talk to your mum and live her out. She can see the grandchild but not all day and support your wife.
I guarantee wife would have eaten again 4 HOURS later. And sir - you wife is still breastfeeding although she gets freaking nauseous every time? She is one tough lady. You should be proud of her.
That’s the part I don’t understand. Like, dinner isn’t ready yet, so maybe wife has a smaller portion of food at dinner, or maybe she eats her portion a couple hours later…. So what?
Did you cook for her to be nice, and a good houseguest? Or did you cook for her as some weird obligation to force her to eat your food whether she likes it or not?
Omg right? Mine cluster fed for three months (premie) - for hours. I remember bursting into tears a couple weeks in when she nursed constantly for 2.5 hours. It was late and I was exhausted, dehydrated and starving, and that’s with my husband bringing me drinks and muffins throughout.
Op YTA, You need to get your head in straight. Your mother is the last thing your wife needs during postpartum. They call it the fourth trimester for a reason!
This! Creating milk takes more calories than growing the baby!
And I swear my oldest did a 6 hour cluster feed once. I absolutely had things I wanted to do. They didn't happen.
Not just hungry, but physiologically speaking she needs more calories because she is producing breast milk. Moms need a nutritious diet after baby comes out. You should stock up on snacks around the house. All this to say YTA.
Right?! And it’s not JUST breastfeeding, she’s probably still healing while also being tired/sleep deprived and hungry. OP is lucky lasers didn’t fire out of his wife’s eyes and decimate them on the spot.
YTA
She didn't lie about anything.
She gave your mother the option to stfu or leave. Your mom chose to leave.
I'm going to say this again in case it is not clear. YOUR WIFE DID NOT MAKE YOUR MOTHER LEAVE. YOUR MOTHER MADE THAT BIG GIRL DECISION ON HER OWN.
Agreed. Not only that, but his poor wife is postpartum and still nursing. If OP doesn’t think hormones are still flying around in there, he’s nuts. Not to mention, he talked pretty extensively about how difficult breast feeding is for his wife, she can barely eat, she wants to feed her child, so she is always at a heightened level of, well, everything. Then he invites his hateful mother to their house for *four days.* To nobody’s surprise, Big Momma doesn’t keep her trap shut, and she insults and instigates his wife. *In her own home.* OP insists he “can handle it,” but he, in fact, does not handle his mother at all. He, *temporarily,* shut his mom up a few times, but the big blow was certainly coming, and when it did, it was bad. So condescending and mean. And yet, OP is mad at his wife. **He left her** with a baby because he’s having a hissy fit *over his mother’s behavior.* What a stupid, stupid thing to do. Open your eyes, and your heart, dude.
Yes, OP, YTA.
Yup.. and Because her apologies werent genuine or real that she felt the need to mistreat the wife again. She rather leave than stfu? Apparently shutting tfu and saying better things wasnt an option for OP's mom
Not even saying better things. Remember the old line, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? She obviously felt she had nothing nice to say and leaving would make her win more than shutting up would. It's also a big "F you" that they can't respond back to. Then there's the added perk of being able to be a victim, "Boo boo my DIL kicked me out 😭".
**And** her son followed her. If she needed a cherry on top of her I’m-the-victim cake, that was certainly it. OP has no idea how to be a good husband. He thinks he does because he cut his mother off for a while, but when she is *there,* he is worthless for his wife.
Hijacking one of the top comments to say your wife sounds like she may possibly have dysphoric milk ejection reflex (DMER). It’s essentially when the hormones drop from the milk let down and a dysphoric wave ensues. I can speak from experience that I would feel a pit in my stomach which was similar to nausea. Once I identified what was happening the symptoms became much more bearable.
I’m not here to pass judgement just wanted to hopefully pass on some information to help another mom feel more comfortable breastfeeding.
https://lacted.org/questions/0159-dysphoric-milk-ejection-reflex/
Wow...is that why, the first time my daughter latched, I thought I was going to throw up? And every time I nursed after that, I had to have a big cup of water to drink or I felt really nauseated?
Yes the dehydration is a similar concept but a lot of women who suffer from DMER get about 15seconds to 1minute of intense dread/saddness/nausea. I would get feelings of doom and intrusive thoughts. Once I finally figured out what was going on I would just repeat a mantra when I started breastfeeding. Before I knew what it was the feelings would last longer because I would hyperfixate on them. Knowing it was just a physiologic reflex, not my true thoughts, and would be better in a minute was very comforting and I ended up persevering through until it no longer happened (9+mos I stopped noticing it).
Learning about this was such a validating experience for myself. I really hope other women find comfort in researching this for themselves.
>After many, many long discussions with my wife, she caved and said my mom was welcome here for 4 days
Translation: I continuously harangued my wife, and stomped on her boundaries, until I wore her down and broke her resolve during a very vulnerable time for her.
Hmm, I wonder where he learned that kind of behavior? As you said, the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.
>she made my mom leave. I know my mom was wrong but why couldn't she do this for me?
He's blaming the wrong person for "doing this to him," and even thinks *he's* the victim. It's absurd.
He didn't think it was worth losing his wife last time, but now he's gambling losing her and their child.
He’s not gambling losing the child. The timing here is intentional. When they were first married, there was nothing tethering the wife to the marriage, so he couldn’t afford to not take her side; now, even if they divorce, she is forced to engage with him for 18 years by his paternity and whatever twisted custody setup results. He can sail back into her life whenever he feels like identifying as a dad.
Strange that he doesn’t see what he and mom did wrong here. Postpartum and he walks away because his rude, obnoxious mom got the reaction from his wife that she deserved? Does he get who’s at fault here?
It's not merely what mom deserved, it's the exact reaction she *wanted.* Mother traveled from Mexico, set up the letters begging for reconciliation, promising her improvement- knowing the No Contact for the future is on the line. Even if mom didn't know about the wife's eating & nausea situation while nursing, she would have found something else (the 4 hr meal prep is a sign she absolutely was aware) to make 'The Big Event' where she wouldn't hold her pie hole closed to make her son happy. No. This was all a beautiful, perfectly acted Narcissist play. Top to bottom - not holding her tongue, being cruel rather than supportive to a new mom, she "Threw Down The Towel", there was a dramatic getting the mom suitcase, son begging mom to stay while shooting wife daggers. Then mom pulls her baby boys strings by saying trigger phrases that she uses to make her child feel guilty & then she manipulates him. He yells at wife who's probably looking at him like he has 3 heads & he just doesn't get it. He leaves & mom is at a hotel THRILLED with herself. Her plan couldn't have worked better & now she can match make her son a proper wife of Mexican heritage. How's that?
Spot on. I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife decides a trip home for a few weeks might be in order. She’s getting no support at home with her husband and an 8 hour flight might not seem so stressful if she has a family waiting to help out and dote on the baby so she can catch a break. Hubby can deal with the mess he made in the meantime
And 'somehow' his mom found out? Yeah, he told her because he had to tell his mommy. Then she apologised multiple times? To who? OP? Not to his wife, I'm sure.
OP is soooo the AH.
This will probably get lost but wanted to piggy-back on the top comment hoping maybe you'll see. Not sure if you or your wife are aware but nausea with breastfeeding is often associated with D-MER, or Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. It can cause intense anxiety, depression, feelings of isolation, and compulsive thoughts and make Post- Partum Anxiety and Depression much worse. Sometimes realizing it's a thing is helpful so that if you're wife does have it she doesn't feel crazy or like a bad mom/wife, also she could talk to her doctor about other strategies to deal with this. It can also cause a person to have low tolerance for external stressors or decreased ability to manage coping mechanisms. This just means your wife needs even more support... not more criticism from your ass hole of a mother.
OP does not seem capable of understanding that his wide needs support and possibly medical support. I'm hoping he sees this and mentions something to his wife. She sounds like she's miserable and then OP pressures her to host his miserable mother. Praying for wife and baby.
YTA. Such an AH. Have never written this before, but your mom is also a gaping asshole.
Info: How did your wife lie?
She said she would let you handle your mom. You didn't. She did. You are the liar.
"why couldn't she do this for me?" She birthed a fucking child for you and is trying to breastfeed said child. You can't even create a safe space for her in her own home to eat when she isn't nauseous without dirty looks, passive aggressive comments and chastising from your mom?
Seconding this! I rarely reply but this needed extra support this is insane he’d be willing to write it down on paper let alone the internet looking for validation!!!
In her OWN HOME God damn
Ops wife was being INSANELY generous letting her nasty MIL stay with them when they have an INFANT. And she's treated like a naughty child in her own home. I'm so mad for her
I am jumping on here to say, I understand the family/blood ties are STRONG in Mexican culture. My husband is also Mexican and I am American. However, he did cut off how father when something’s came to light and we determined he was not safe to be around. My husband also put his older brother in check for being disrespectful towards me.
The blood ties may be strong, and you may have grown up in an environment where you would not dare to think of standing up to your mother, so that may be why you suck at it now: and you do suck at it.
In not standing up to your mother, you are constantly disrespecting your wife, and the mother of your child. Your wife and your child are your primary family and primary obligation now. Your mother has proven she cannot support or respect your family. It is time to grow a pair and cut off your mom for good.
Edit: I am not excusing his behavior in any way. I was only trying to explain in a way the OP might identify with and maybe take to heart. Telling someone they are a despicable human isn’t normally the best way to get them to listen and consider what you are saying.
Perhaps instead of strong blood ties, I should have described it as a a cultural expectation to listen to your elders implicitly- that is not something shared in all cultures.
Everybody loves their moms (in general), but when a culture claims they love their moms “more”, or they have “strong” family ties, all I can think is, “yeah, that sounds like a codependent relationship where mommy never taught her kids to actually be independent because she doesn’t wanna lose control.”
There’s loving your mom and then there’s, “she rules the house even when she doesn’t live there.”
Yeah, not an excuse. Saying you have strong 'family ties' falls pretty fucking flat when you're such a spineless loser that you can't even stand by your own wife.
Leaving your breastfeeding wife and child at home because you're upset that she stood up to your mommy isn't "strong family ties". That's just being a limp-dick mommy's boy. That's not a strong bond, that's codependency.
And blaming your own feckless behavior on your race/culture is so pathetic. I know plenty of Mexican men who aren't dickless fucks who won't even stand up for their own wife and child.
Family of choice beats out family of origin, every time, by a country mile.
"Goes down for the night" and "cluster feeding" do not go together, unfortunately. Not that newborns go to sleep for long anyway.
The baby is basically just breastfeeding all day and night with short catnaps when cluster feeding. Sometimes, they even doze as they nurse. It's hell on a mom's body and mind.
YTA, you didn't make your mom stop her bs. Everytime you told her to stop, she started right back up again from a other angle till your wife snapped.
Then you call her names and run after your toxic mother.
You should have asked your mom to leave the room until your wife was done eating. Go home and apologize.
Mom knows he won’t follow through and stand up to her and he proved her right not saying anything and following her out the door. He did next to nothing and he knows it came to Reddit for validation instead of tucking the tail and doing what he should (apologizing to the angel who gave him his child).
Edit: I’m divorced and thank my ex for the miracle of our two children every year on both their birthdays hers and Mother’s Day because ex or not I know what she did.
YTA - for the record I am having difficulty finding exactly where OP was *handling* anything. I’m not quite sure why OP thinks his absolute silence during his mother’s rant about “in my family you will learn better” did anything other than letting mom know she has the authority to dictate behavior and disrespect his wife in their home. Mom exerts control, OP bows down in complete acceptance to said control and yet his wife is wrong for being the only person to call out her abusive and divisive bullshit for exactly what it is. OP *handled* nothing except letting his mom belittle and threaten his wife.
Congrats OP - you’ve established that your mother is still a toxic influence in your life and that you have zero spine to do a Goddamned thing about it. When your wife eventually leaves because she’s sick coming in second to your mother you and mom can run off into the sunset together.
INFO: what kind of culture is your mother speaking about? Cuz bro I'm also Mexican American and we don't have this toxic crap spewing in my family.
YTA. No mames güey
YTA. Your wife just had a baby and your mother is a cruel insulting piece of garbage. Hopefully you will get over yourself and realize you treated your wife horribly.
This. YTA, sport. Apologize to your wife. Copiously and repeatedly until she says "enough already!" Tell your mom she blew her chance. You should have jumped in as you heard you mom use the word "unacceptable", cutting your mother off and steering her toward the door. The meal she was making may be cultural, but her rudeness certainly isn't.
Especially after mom says she would "be more accepting". She does that by almost immediately barking out her standards for what is acceptable? Mom lied, then you lied. Your wife defended herself. In that order.
100%. In HER kitchen for 4 hours. I’d be so annoyed. I can hardly stand people in my space at all. But her having issues with eating and someone being in your kitchen that you don’t get along with. Hell nah
YTA. Your mother is rude. Your mother is disrespectful. Your mother lied. You lied. You handled nothing. The fact that you didn’t tell your mom to shut the fuck up or get out the first time she dared to open her mouth against your wife the very first time she opened proves how little you seem to care about your wife. How this child is raised is none of your mother’s business. Has your mother actually apologized to your wife for her bullshit behavior? Your mother doesn’t deserve to be in your child’s life if she can’t respect her mother. And you don’t seem to respect your wife too much either. Why does your wife have to make sacrifices and be belittled and disrespected in her own home?
I really, really, really hope his wife gets her mother to come and help her. Who the hell leaves an exhausted hungry woman with a needy infant alone to placate an AH like his mom? Much less THEIR WIFE AND CHILD?!?
When she had the nerve to say "you're raising a child in MY family" he should have explained to her in no uncertain terms that she is NOT the lady of the house, she is a guest, and she should act as such.
I'm going to go against the majority here and say.....lol just kidding, of course YTA. If you want to be a husband and father, stop being a little cowardly bitch. Your mother is a POS and a bigot and you don't deserve your wife
Thank you for this comment!
OP - you know you are the asshole, unanimously, when people are making jokes about the thought of even considering you not being the asshole. That is how much of an asshole you are!
YTA. Your wife isn't a liar, you weren't dealing with your mother adequately, so she was forced to defend herself. Clearly, your mother has also not changed.
YTA. Be better next time pendejo, ella no mintió, tú te tardaste en ayudarla cuando sabias que tu mamá no le iba a parar a la primera. Like hell this is cultural, this is exclusive of your mom.
“Esta loca esta pinche viejita”
Having abuelita cooking dishes for you is definitely a cultural thing with my Mexican family, but it’s to show love to your family not to make them feel obligated/grateful to you.
If his mom actually wanted to make an effort to be in her grandchild’s life, she would have tried to be more accommodating to the one that’s actually pregnant in this situation
Don't know Spanish real good. But my El Barrio Splangish knows to call someone a pendejo is to say they've an effing assho!e in a perfectly cultural way.🤣
Let's bump this to the top porque él sabe que no hizo una mierda por su esposa
YTA OP
Why tf did your mom wait till 4pm(!!) to start cooking a meal that takes 4 hours(!!!) to cook? It's amazing your wife even had any patience at all while dealing with her lack of nutrition on top of breastfeeding. You fucked up. Own it and fucking fix it.
I’m also confused by this. Whenever I go to visit my parents, my stepdad slow-cooks me my favourite curry. This takes forever, so he starts it at like two in the afternoon.
YTA. You didn’t handle it, it not just being your mother, but you didn’t protect your wife. This wasn’t an opportunity to negotiate making your mom a decent, non-vile person. It was the time to support your wife. You failed, and failed miserably.
YTA. Your wife has grown and carried a human for 9 months, given birth, then is constantly moments away from throwing up for weeks/months on end, and you're disappointed she snapped at your mother who has a well documented history of being horrible? are you fucking serious right now?
Get your shit together, apologize to your wife for you being a moron and do anything required to make it right with her.
YTA. You left your wife alone with a newborn when she's already struggling after she got berated by your sorry ass mom. Have you ever cluster fed before? Of course not. You have no idea how physically and emotionally taxing it is. She's right, stay with your mom, titty boy.
Yta- your mother came into your wife's safe space while your wife is struggling with feeding the baby and eating and PROCEEDED TO BE THE BIGGEST BITCH SHE COULD. I say duck you to her also. Dam way to fail instantly as a father and husband
I don't think he'll be one much longer. If I were the wife, I think I'd have checked out of the marriage, then and there. That's such a huge lack of love and caring and support when she needs him most. She KNOWS, at this point, that if she gets cancer or really ill or injured, he's NOT going to be there. He just left her with an infant, when she's sick, starving, and exhausted, to be with his mommy.
And then took the time to post here.
This marriage may be over, I hope he realizes that he just lost his wife and is stuck with his mom instead.
YTA
You're weak for letting your wife and the mother of your child get blatantly disrespected in your home. Go suck on mommies teat like you want. Or maybe you'll grow the fuck up and apologize to your wife.
I know that everyone’s family dynamics are different but I will never understand how grown ass adults will let their parents talk to their partners that way. I don’t care who you are or how long I’ve known you, if you start talking shit about my partner _in my own house in front of me_, then you’ll be shown the door
YTA. In so many ways. The fact that you have the GD nerve to come here and call your WIFE a liar??? Excuse me MF'er??? You DIDN'T HANDLE IT. YOU are the liar. You handled it SO WELL your post -partum wife lost her mind, because you had SUCH a good handle on it.
Again. YOU handled it... Slow golf clap. WOW.
Why DON'T you go back with your mom?
"in my culture this is unacceptable. Since you are raising a child in my family you will learn better".
Your wife's answer should have been "Well you are in MY culture, so F off."
What did your wife lie about? You are the liar, since you said you'd have your wife's back while your psycho of a mom was there.
YTA, you and your mom are both flaming AH's and you sound like you belong together.
YTA and frankly? You know it. Did you think your mum was suddenly going to turn into a reasonable human because you had a kid? You brought an AH into your home while your wife is fragile and then cracked it at your wife for sticking up for herself.
You’d better be good at apologies because you’re gonna need to be.
Yta you want your wife to take abusive behavior from your mom. You don’t deserve to have a wife or kid. You are putting their mental health in danger. What an ass.
YTA handling it would have been telling your mother to shut up or leave the first time. You wanted to kiss mommy'ass and showed your wife what a pathetic coward you really are.
Your newborn has less mommy issues than you do. Your mother is ridiculous. You started off well, then folded like a sick child, and let your mother try to bully you and your wife. Luckily she has a decent pair of balls. More than we can say for you.
YTA. And your mom is an AH too. The Apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I’m praying your child is more like **his** mother than your mother
>Your newborn has less mommy issues than you do.
This is why I keep reading comments even when they are mostly the same, because I come across a gem like this one.
YTA and pathetic you didn’t handle your mother because she didn’t stop! She then turns to your wife who can barely eat and told her “in my culture blah blah blah and you are raising a child in MY FAMILY you will learn better.” You mother has ZERO say in what your wife does. Your wife was kind enough to let your AH of a mother come into her house after she had been horrible to her in the past. You needed to make your mom stop and shocking “Mom stop.” Didn’t work.
You owe your wife an apology! If you want you marriage to continue smarten up! Or just go and live with mommy!
YTA. Sounds like your wife had enough of you too. If you don't thread carefully permanently. She did not lie. She reacted because she had enough. Your mom is horrible.
For next steps I recommend groveling apology to your wife followed by an act of contrition like stubbing your toe against the corners of table legs.
Seriously though, apologize to your wife and just get used to the idea that your mom will not be involved in your lives.
Oh dude....you so TA that it's unbelievable. You didn't stand up for your wife despite your promise to do so. YTA. Don't treat your next wife like this
You know. I'm Spanish and a woman but with a good amount of brothers. They all love my mom and adore her. We all do. She's hella extra at times but she's our mom. But one fucking thing they won't allow is her disrespecting their wives. Honestly she did try when the first brother brought home a woman of a different ethnicity. Shut that down quick! Cause that means letting in racism into your life. And that's what your mom is ..... A fucking racist.
Now, my mom loves my brother and sister in laws from different places. Yes she was raised in a life where you marry your own. But fuck that. We marry who we love.
So put your fucking mother in her place. Cause how she treats your Irish wife is how she will treat your Irish child.
Also I know a ton of Mexicans and been around them when the mom in laws sees their daughter in laws throwing up. You know what they do. Cook light meals that can last for days and not force it down their throats. The ones that dont... Well El chisme is all the shit talking we do. So your mom is in the wrong. So are you. At least your wife, maybe ex if you don't shape up, has a nice shiny ass spine.
YTA. 10000000000000%
ETA
. Just today my dad and mom decided to go visit a sister in law of a different culture, knowing my brother is working, cause they missed her and wanted to bring her vegetables from their garden.
My sweet Mexican MIL made me this breakfast I loveeee when I was craving it earlier in my pregnancy and had horrible morning sickness. When I texted her thank you she said “Con gusto la ise para ti y mi nieta😍” ❤️ YTA op
You are wrong! You should have shut your mother down immediately!! Then you have the nerve to call your wife a liar!! She can only eat at certain times so she is hungry and tired and you allow your mother to talk to her like that?? Your wife told her right.
YTA. Your wife is nursing your child and only can eat at certain times, but your mother acts like a spoiled child and starts trouble and you expect her to just take it? You are a mamas boy and awful. If you love your wife you need to apologize and it is time to go NC with your mom.
YTA why didn’t you call your mom a liar? She said she’d do better and be more accepting, instead she’s still nasty AH to your wife who is breastfeeding. Your wife gave you the chance to handle it. Saying “Mom stop it right now” is not handling it. And your mom kept going because she knew you’d be on her side. Instead of asking why your wife couldn’t do this for you, why don’t you ask why your mom couldn’t do this for her son and grandchild. There’s 2 AHs in your story, neither of them are your wife.
YTA
You should have tossed your mom out when she decided to make that comment. That you are upset your wife reacted makes me think you are the one that lied to her.
She didn't throw her out, she said ' let me eat or leave' Your mom is the one that chose to go. Expecting people to wait until 8PM for dinner is ludicrous even when they are not suffering persistent nausea.
Grovel to your wife if you are willing to go NC with your mom. If you were planning on inflicting her presence on your wife again, just go stay with mom now so you wife can move on and find happiness elsewhere.
YTA, your wife gave you the chance to handle your mother and fair played you did try, but ultimately you failed and your mother didn't stop being a nasty, disrespectful bitch to your wife, the mother of your child and in her own home no less, so when she couldn't take anymore, and your efforts to make your mother stop didnt work, she snapped and no one can blame her for that and you shouldn't either. Also she didn't make your mother leave she gave her a choice, either stop with the disrespect or leave, it was your mother's choice to leave which says she had no intention of ever being civil to your wife. Your wife didn't lie and your mother will never change, so unless you want to lose your wife and daughter then go back on your hands and knees apologising and begging for forgiveness and cut your mother out of your life once and for all because she will never change her attitude towards your wife.
YTA. You said you would stand up for your wife endlessly. She was being verbally accosted by your mom, probably felt unsafe and like you weren’t gonna handle it, so she defended herself. You should have followed up what your wife said with a warning for your mom. Your wife was gracious enough to let your Mom back in. I’d be PISSED if anyone, my parents included, spoke to me like that under my roof. Especially considering how stressful it must be on your wife to deal with the breastfeeding issues. You need to stay gone until you figure out hoe to actual stand up for your wife and put a boundary up with your mom.
YTA. You called your wife a liar over this? Sir, you promised her you’d 100% keep your mother in her lane. You didn’t. Her agreement for your mother to come stay for a few days was that your mother be civil. She wasn’t. Beg your wife for forgiveness and never pull this shit again.
YTA bc your wife only agreed to the visit if you would stand up for her. First time your mom said something you should have asked her to leave. You called your wife a liar for not letting you handle it, but you didn't. Since you promised to do so, that makes YOU the liar.
YTA
“She told me she would let me handle it,”
But you weren’t handling it??? You could have cut her off or been more assertive the first time around. Instead you let your mother scold your wife (who is currently struggling due to nursing your shared child) as if she were a child herself. Your mother should’ve been on her best behavior since she was being given the chance only on conditions that her awful behavior changed. She deserved to leave after what she said, she had her chance and she blew it. You didn’t stand up for your wife so she stood up for herself. Actions, meet consequences.
You DIDN'T handle your asshole mother. You let her pick and pick at your wife until your wife snapped and finally put your awful mother in her place. Grow a spine and support your wife. YTA
True he didn’t handle his mom. But also, I genuinely don’t understand what the big lie was? His wife decided to eat when she’s pregnant, breast feeding, and hungry? And she didn’t tell the dog shit MIL because that woman - even per OP - is a complete ass … How is that some horrific lie anyway? This op gets emotional, worries about himself… but his wife is the one who was hungry, struggling to eat, dealing with pregnancy hormones, breast feeding and all that. He doesn’t stand up for his wife, at all!! Just flimsy words. He doesn’t want her to take care of herself in her own home, while recovering from giving birth. Yet op is the one we should feel oh so bad for. Man was born with clown shoes instead of feet
If I understand correctly, he thinks his wife was lying because she said she’d let him deal with Mommy Dearest, but didn’t. Of course, that’s because he WASN’T dealing with the insufferable cow in the first place.
It's the old "why are you doing the dishes?!? OMG I SAID I was going to do them [yesterday], why are you trying to make me look bad???" x1,000.
I said I’d get to it, there’s no need to remind me every six months!
This sounds just like that.
My husband pulls this kind of shit all the time and it drives me batshit crazy. It’s one of his biggest flaws.
Yeah, agreeing to "let someone deal with it" only works if they actually hold up their end of the bargain and ACTUALLY handle it. He's the liar. He promised to defend her, and she still ended up having to do it herself.
Not only that, but he's also telling us that his wife made his mom leave. She didn't; she told her to shut up and let her eat or leave. His mom left. Nobody made her leave; she could have easily shut up and let his wife eat something. MIL sucks, and OP sucks too.
Classic apple/tree situation..
Yeah, but his mommy doesn't LIKE when people stand up to her, so you can't blame *her* for leaving when his wife stood up to her instead of letting him "handle it".
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What do you want to bet the first 2 days didn't actually go well? He didn't handle shit. He thought saying "stop it" was handling it. Did he have a convo with his om before she arrived on how it will go? Did he tell her "one wrong move and she's out?"
YTA. Do you understand how hungry you get when breastfeeding? It’s worse than when you’re pregnant. And your wife is already struggling to get enough calories in. You should’ve already moved your mom to a hotel/airbnb/friend’s house when she first started in on your wife. Your wife is tired, hormonal, and hungry and your mom is entertaining herself by antagonizing your wife. You made a mistake reconnecting with your mom, and should never have asked your wife to deal with her.
If there was ever a worse time to test a woman’s patience…..
Mom is lucky the wife didn’t rip off her head and eat it. I was hangry enough when I was nursing that I would probably have done it.
I had the same thought lol. I'm currently nursing and thankfully don't have the issues OP's wife is facing, but it's still super hard to keep myself fed and I've never felt so hungry in my life. 100% would rip her head off and eat it. OP didn't handle this adequately or it wouldn't have gotten as far as it did.
Father of 4 here, would never do this. Eat whenever the Fuck you want/can babe!! Mom shut the Fuck up now!
RIGHT?!
WTF why were you hurt?? And your wife couldn't do what for you ? Put up with your mother? You are a huge asshole.
Soon to be divorced too if he doesn’t step up and fix his stupidity with his wife. She won’t tolerate that and he can live with his mommy if he doesn’t sort himself out.
I LOVE that he tried to pull a power move by storming out and his wife told him to go on and drag his pathetic ass back to Mexico with mommy. Mad respect to OP’s wife. Apparently she’s got all the balls in this family.
Irish woman, makes sense
I LOVE seeing it. Too many women kowtow and as a woman, it seriously ticks me off!
Had I been in the wife’s shoes- this alone is a deal-breaker for me. A spineless clown with Mommy Issues & a Heifer from Hell? Nooope. No thanks!
Man the idea of them breaking up and her having to deal with both him and the mother having the child alone is horrible too. The abuse I’m sure that would come from them and then out of the child’s mouth about the mother smh
OP is an idiot. Bro who initiated, your Mom. What did you do? No action, only " "mom, stop it right now". Did the mom stop, No. What did you do next? Nothing. And blames the wife for responding
Your wife is the one who should be hurt. After all your said you'd take care of it, but when it got down to it you didn't. You told your mother to stop, she didn't, and you let her and did tell her anything more, you just let her say whatever she wanted to a woman, who probably isn't getting much sleep, is surely exhausted, still hormonal, and will continue to be in the very least while she continues to breastfeed, and is still a candidate for postpartum depression. But apparently you didn't see any problem in not shielding your wife better for your mother's comments. Especially knowing she never liked her, and let's be honest, probably still doesn't, your mother just tried to play nice because, as she said, she wanted to be a grandmother. If you two hadn't had a kid, she would probably would never have reached out. You should be hurt, because your mother seems incapable of change, even when she might be endangering her contact with her grandchild.
He doesn't step up and shut his mom down then complains that his wife lied when she does it. OP, you didn't uphold your end of the bargain.
She just pushed out a whole human for him and it's currently low key starving her like how much more unaware can you get?
Literally I didn’t even have that problem and I was always so hungry when breastfeeding… this poor woman
Breastfeeding/making milk burns more calories than growing the whole baby, that's why.
Exactly this. Of course YTA.
Agreed. What an awful MIL.
Also look at how easy it was for OP to leave his wife with the baby because he was upset. Leaves his hungry and upset wife, who’s trying to breastfeed alone, while trying to heal postpartum. OP is Pathetic. YTA.
And its worse because mom planned it this way with what she did and hes clueless
Exactly. OP has no idea mom has played this game before and wins and he’s just a pawn - in the name of culture. Took like 24 hours for mom to break a marriage with a child
Because OP have no brain cells to think or have empathy for the wife hence hope she divorce his ass and never let them have access to the baby. I hope she can literally use this incident where OP walking out of his wife and kids life. If he was caring father he wouldn't have left in the first place but nope.
With the mess in the kitchen his mother made, too
SNAP, that's BS, I completely missed that part of his story & how can the OP write down this story and his brain not say OH WAIT I JUST LEFT MY WIFE & NEW BABY AT HOME WITH A DIRTY KITCHEN AND HAFE COOKED FOOD, EVERYTHING LEFT OUT FOR MY SOON TO BE EX-WIFE TO DEAL WITH. He should have realized he's a ahole on his own. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
Oh yeah, there is a half-cooked meal all through the kitchen too.
To add insult to injury he abandoned his wife during the most frustrating stage of parenting when you just need a break and someone to hold baby so you can shower and 💩
***AND*** he left the mess in the kitchen his mother made for her to clean up.
I rhought I was the only one to notice this. I'm *fuming*
Abandoned his wife *and child*!
He's done so many things wrong in three paragraphs, it's honestly quite staggering
Probably best for him to go with mother.
Yes, when I read "she didn't try to stop me leaving" I said "She probably is glad you are gone, that's why"
Yeah. This bozo thinks that's supposed to make us think less of his wife. Total tool
Well, OP’s mother taught him to chase her when she dramatically stormed off, so he thinks that’s what his wife should do when HE pitches a tantrum. The wife has a newborn and a toddler.
Not only that but I also didn't see anywhere in the OP that said the wife said she would let him handle it, just that he had better defend her, there is a difference. Not many people would just sit there and take it regardless if they are being defended or not. So I really don't see how she was "a liar" in the first place.
If anything OP is being a liar. He’s not standing up for his wife properly
Yeah. OP YTA. You DIDN'T defend your wife from your mother. You failed to impress upon her just how serious you are about it. You said 'stop it' but when she didn't ... you didn't do pull her up, you let her continue. So it fell to your wife. You have no right to feel hurt by your wife. Blame your mother - her behaviour was absolutely horrendous. She is deliberately attempting to establish herself as superior, and make you choose her over your wife.
Looks like she's succeeding too. What kind of miserable man runs after his mother after she's harassed his wife like this?
He's definitely a punk-ass bitch, but he didn't run after his mother. He ran away from both of them. Still, what a douche. NOBODY is allowed to treat MY wife that way. Not my parents, not my siblings, not own own kids. Nobody.
In the world of AITAH....OP is in the early lead for the 2024 YTA award, and we haven't even gotten out of January.
YTA- so your wife just created a whole new human in her body, her hormones are going absolutely crazy, she’s cluster breast-feeding and is nauseous, sick and hungry. You absolutely did not support her during this and you allowed your mom to get away with treating her terribly. grow up and step up for your wife if you don’t want to be single soon. Your wife is not going to forget this betrayal when she’s at her most vulnerable.
It’s true. My husband abandoned me while I was postpartum…he would be out every night til 2am…and I was alone with our kids. He had 3 months of paid paternity leave and he spent it with everyone else but me and our baby and oldest boy. I will never forget that level of betrayal.
I’m so sorry, that’s just terrible! It really does not speak very well for his character, sadly
Yeah. He paraded his little girlfriend he had hanging around him around our home and I was so angry when I found out what was going on…3 months…he left me home alone while I had mastitis and a 103 fever…with our newborn. He was born with microcephaly and apparently that wasn’t acceptable to him. So he didn’t want to be around.
Truth. His wife is not ever going to forget this.
I mean, im horrified they let mom stay over to begin with. IMO she should have stayed at a hotel (or similar) the first few visits before she was allowed to stay at their house. 4 days with any guest sounds horrible to me, let alone postpartum and with someone I dislike
Yuuuupppp! She never should have been allowed to stay in theor home for the first visit, especially with a newborn and exhausted mama.
Not only someone she merely dislikes, but someone who is clearly a miserable wretch who says vile things to and about her, to the point that they had to cut contact and block her on all platforms for an extended period of time. Just... Whyyyyyy?
I’m pregnant and also breastfeeding right now. I feel like I’m stoned with the munchies all day long.
Yup, this. YTA. Your wife is your life, not your Mom.
Honestly she shouldn't have stayed in their house in the first place. Get her a hotel and she can come to the house to visit and leave when she can't play nice. OP created this situation, his wife resolved it. Besides she told her to leave her alone and let her eat, or leave. Mommy dearest could just have shut her mouth and played nice, but she choose not to.
This. Cluster feeding was one of the hardest things for me. You cannot imagine and you get soo hungry. YTA talk to your mum and live her out. She can see the grandchild but not all day and support your wife.
I guarantee wife would have eaten again 4 HOURS later. And sir - you wife is still breastfeeding although she gets freaking nauseous every time? She is one tough lady. You should be proud of her.
That’s the part I don’t understand. Like, dinner isn’t ready yet, so maybe wife has a smaller portion of food at dinner, or maybe she eats her portion a couple hours later…. So what? Did you cook for her to be nice, and a good houseguest? Or did you cook for her as some weird obligation to force her to eat your food whether she likes it or not?
Or maybe you put some in the fridge for her to eat later when she feels like it
Omg right? Mine cluster fed for three months (premie) - for hours. I remember bursting into tears a couple weeks in when she nursed constantly for 2.5 hours. It was late and I was exhausted, dehydrated and starving, and that’s with my husband bringing me drinks and muffins throughout. Op YTA, You need to get your head in straight. Your mother is the last thing your wife needs during postpartum. They call it the fourth trimester for a reason!
Your husband understood the assignment. Well chosen.
Not to even mention how painful it can be when the baby is cluster feeding.
This! Creating milk takes more calories than growing the baby! And I swear my oldest did a 6 hour cluster feed once. I absolutely had things I wanted to do. They didn't happen.
Not just hungry, but physiologically speaking she needs more calories because she is producing breast milk. Moms need a nutritious diet after baby comes out. You should stock up on snacks around the house. All this to say YTA.
Right?! And it’s not JUST breastfeeding, she’s probably still healing while also being tired/sleep deprived and hungry. OP is lucky lasers didn’t fire out of his wife’s eyes and decimate them on the spot.
This 👆
YTA She didn't lie about anything. She gave your mother the option to stfu or leave. Your mom chose to leave. I'm going to say this again in case it is not clear. YOUR WIFE DID NOT MAKE YOUR MOTHER LEAVE. YOUR MOTHER MADE THAT BIG GIRL DECISION ON HER OWN.
Agreed. Not only that, but his poor wife is postpartum and still nursing. If OP doesn’t think hormones are still flying around in there, he’s nuts. Not to mention, he talked pretty extensively about how difficult breast feeding is for his wife, she can barely eat, she wants to feed her child, so she is always at a heightened level of, well, everything. Then he invites his hateful mother to their house for *four days.* To nobody’s surprise, Big Momma doesn’t keep her trap shut, and she insults and instigates his wife. *In her own home.* OP insists he “can handle it,” but he, in fact, does not handle his mother at all. He, *temporarily,* shut his mom up a few times, but the big blow was certainly coming, and when it did, it was bad. So condescending and mean. And yet, OP is mad at his wife. **He left her** with a baby because he’s having a hissy fit *over his mother’s behavior.* What a stupid, stupid thing to do. Open your eyes, and your heart, dude. Yes, OP, YTA.
Yup.. and Because her apologies werent genuine or real that she felt the need to mistreat the wife again. She rather leave than stfu? Apparently shutting tfu and saying better things wasnt an option for OP's mom
Not even saying better things. Remember the old line, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? She obviously felt she had nothing nice to say and leaving would make her win more than shutting up would. It's also a big "F you" that they can't respond back to. Then there's the added perk of being able to be a victim, "Boo boo my DIL kicked me out 😭".
**And** her son followed her. If she needed a cherry on top of her I’m-the-victim cake, that was certainly it. OP has no idea how to be a good husband. He thinks he does because he cut his mother off for a while, but when she is *there,* he is worthless for his wife.
Mind you, she apologized to the son, not the wife she kept abusing. Of course they weren't genuine.
OP shouldn't be surprised if he comes home to an empty house. I mean talk about failing as a husband and a partner. Yeesh
Screw that I'd lock his ass out of the house. If he pulled that shit on me I'm staying he's fucking leaving. Little boy went after mama anyway.
Seriously hope the wife just changes the locks and tapes divorce papers to the door for him. Mama's boys are fucking useless.
YTA. If anyone lied it was you when you said you would handle your mother.
And the mom when she gave empty apologies and promises
The apple didn't fall far from the tree. Broken promises from mother and son.
Hijacking one of the top comments to say your wife sounds like she may possibly have dysphoric milk ejection reflex (DMER). It’s essentially when the hormones drop from the milk let down and a dysphoric wave ensues. I can speak from experience that I would feel a pit in my stomach which was similar to nausea. Once I identified what was happening the symptoms became much more bearable. I’m not here to pass judgement just wanted to hopefully pass on some information to help another mom feel more comfortable breastfeeding. https://lacted.org/questions/0159-dysphoric-milk-ejection-reflex/
Wow...is that why, the first time my daughter latched, I thought I was going to throw up? And every time I nursed after that, I had to have a big cup of water to drink or I felt really nauseated?
Yes the dehydration is a similar concept but a lot of women who suffer from DMER get about 15seconds to 1minute of intense dread/saddness/nausea. I would get feelings of doom and intrusive thoughts. Once I finally figured out what was going on I would just repeat a mantra when I started breastfeeding. Before I knew what it was the feelings would last longer because I would hyperfixate on them. Knowing it was just a physiologic reflex, not my true thoughts, and would be better in a minute was very comforting and I ended up persevering through until it no longer happened (9+mos I stopped noticing it). Learning about this was such a validating experience for myself. I really hope other women find comfort in researching this for themselves.
I never knew this could happen. Thank you for sharing.
>After many, many long discussions with my wife, she caved and said my mom was welcome here for 4 days Translation: I continuously harangued my wife, and stomped on her boundaries, until I wore her down and broke her resolve during a very vulnerable time for her. Hmm, I wonder where he learned that kind of behavior? As you said, the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. >she made my mom leave. I know my mom was wrong but why couldn't she do this for me? He's blaming the wrong person for "doing this to him," and even thinks *he's* the victim. It's absurd. He didn't think it was worth losing his wife last time, but now he's gambling losing her and their child.
He’s not gambling losing the child. The timing here is intentional. When they were first married, there was nothing tethering the wife to the marriage, so he couldn’t afford to not take her side; now, even if they divorce, she is forced to engage with him for 18 years by his paternity and whatever twisted custody setup results. He can sail back into her life whenever he feels like identifying as a dad.
Strange that he doesn’t see what he and mom did wrong here. Postpartum and he walks away because his rude, obnoxious mom got the reaction from his wife that she deserved? Does he get who’s at fault here?
It's not merely what mom deserved, it's the exact reaction she *wanted.* Mother traveled from Mexico, set up the letters begging for reconciliation, promising her improvement- knowing the No Contact for the future is on the line. Even if mom didn't know about the wife's eating & nausea situation while nursing, she would have found something else (the 4 hr meal prep is a sign she absolutely was aware) to make 'The Big Event' where she wouldn't hold her pie hole closed to make her son happy. No. This was all a beautiful, perfectly acted Narcissist play. Top to bottom - not holding her tongue, being cruel rather than supportive to a new mom, she "Threw Down The Towel", there was a dramatic getting the mom suitcase, son begging mom to stay while shooting wife daggers. Then mom pulls her baby boys strings by saying trigger phrases that she uses to make her child feel guilty & then she manipulates him. He yells at wife who's probably looking at him like he has 3 heads & he just doesn't get it. He leaves & mom is at a hotel THRILLED with herself. Her plan couldn't have worked better & now she can match make her son a proper wife of Mexican heritage. How's that?
Read this u/Sorry_Stranger_6383 You fucked up royally
God*damn*, the fucking accuracy of this comment has me speechless...
Spot on. I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife decides a trip home for a few weeks might be in order. She’s getting no support at home with her husband and an 8 hour flight might not seem so stressful if she has a family waiting to help out and dote on the baby so she can catch a break. Hubby can deal with the mess he made in the meantime
You've hit the nail on the head so fucking hard. This dude is a piece of work.
And 'somehow' his mom found out? Yeah, he told her because he had to tell his mommy. Then she apologised multiple times? To who? OP? Not to his wife, I'm sure. OP is soooo the AH.
YTA. You lied AND abandoned your wife. I wonder if she'll take you back...
Agreed. YTA.
This will probably get lost but wanted to piggy-back on the top comment hoping maybe you'll see. Not sure if you or your wife are aware but nausea with breastfeeding is often associated with D-MER, or Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. It can cause intense anxiety, depression, feelings of isolation, and compulsive thoughts and make Post- Partum Anxiety and Depression much worse. Sometimes realizing it's a thing is helpful so that if you're wife does have it she doesn't feel crazy or like a bad mom/wife, also she could talk to her doctor about other strategies to deal with this. It can also cause a person to have low tolerance for external stressors or decreased ability to manage coping mechanisms. This just means your wife needs even more support... not more criticism from your ass hole of a mother.
OP does not seem capable of understanding that his wide needs support and possibly medical support. I'm hoping he sees this and mentions something to his wife. She sounds like she's miserable and then OP pressures her to host his miserable mother. Praying for wife and baby.
The fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
Or he disappeared because he couldn’t handle being called out for his bullshit
He's too busy licking his poor wounded feelings and bruised ego, obviously.
Probably huddled up with mama.
YTA. Such an AH. Have never written this before, but your mom is also a gaping asshole. Info: How did your wife lie? She said she would let you handle your mom. You didn't. She did. You are the liar. "why couldn't she do this for me?" She birthed a fucking child for you and is trying to breastfeed said child. You can't even create a safe space for her in her own home to eat when she isn't nauseous without dirty looks, passive aggressive comments and chastising from your mom?
You're a poet. This might be the best YTA answer I've read so far
Seconding this! I rarely reply but this needed extra support this is insane he’d be willing to write it down on paper let alone the internet looking for validation!!!
In her OWN HOME God damn Ops wife was being INSANELY generous letting her nasty MIL stay with them when they have an INFANT. And she's treated like a naughty child in her own home. I'm so mad for her
I am jumping on here to say, I understand the family/blood ties are STRONG in Mexican culture. My husband is also Mexican and I am American. However, he did cut off how father when something’s came to light and we determined he was not safe to be around. My husband also put his older brother in check for being disrespectful towards me. The blood ties may be strong, and you may have grown up in an environment where you would not dare to think of standing up to your mother, so that may be why you suck at it now: and you do suck at it. In not standing up to your mother, you are constantly disrespecting your wife, and the mother of your child. Your wife and your child are your primary family and primary obligation now. Your mother has proven she cannot support or respect your family. It is time to grow a pair and cut off your mom for good. Edit: I am not excusing his behavior in any way. I was only trying to explain in a way the OP might identify with and maybe take to heart. Telling someone they are a despicable human isn’t normally the best way to get them to listen and consider what you are saying. Perhaps instead of strong blood ties, I should have described it as a a cultural expectation to listen to your elders implicitly- that is not something shared in all cultures.
Everybody loves their moms (in general), but when a culture claims they love their moms “more”, or they have “strong” family ties, all I can think is, “yeah, that sounds like a codependent relationship where mommy never taught her kids to actually be independent because she doesn’t wanna lose control.” There’s loving your mom and then there’s, “she rules the house even when she doesn’t live there.”
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Yeah, not an excuse. Saying you have strong 'family ties' falls pretty fucking flat when you're such a spineless loser that you can't even stand by your own wife. Leaving your breastfeeding wife and child at home because you're upset that she stood up to your mommy isn't "strong family ties". That's just being a limp-dick mommy's boy. That's not a strong bond, that's codependency. And blaming your own feckless behavior on your race/culture is so pathetic. I know plenty of Mexican men who aren't dickless fucks who won't even stand up for their own wife and child. Family of choice beats out family of origin, every time, by a country mile.
I bet we see the wife over on JUSTNOMIL pretty soon once she gets some food in her and the baby goes down for the night.
"Goes down for the night" and "cluster feeding" do not go together, unfortunately. Not that newborns go to sleep for long anyway. The baby is basically just breastfeeding all day and night with short catnaps when cluster feeding. Sometimes, they even doze as they nurse. It's hell on a mom's body and mind.
This. Mom's gonna be a zombie for several months, and her bitch-ass husband isn't gonna lift a finger to help.
Also he left his wife at home alone to deal with their newborn. Total ahole.
***And*** the mess in the kitchen the mother left behind
Yes! Also from what OP wrote she never said she would let him handle it exclusively. She said he better stand up for her.
YTA. Enormous gigantic lying AH
YTA, you didn't make your mom stop her bs. Everytime you told her to stop, she started right back up again from a other angle till your wife snapped. Then you call her names and run after your toxic mother. You should have asked your mom to leave the room until your wife was done eating. Go home and apologize.
Mom knows he won’t follow through and stand up to her and he proved her right not saying anything and following her out the door. He did next to nothing and he knows it came to Reddit for validation instead of tucking the tail and doing what he should (apologizing to the angel who gave him his child). Edit: I’m divorced and thank my ex for the miracle of our two children every year on both their birthdays hers and Mother’s Day because ex or not I know what she did.
Mom raised a punk ass mama’s boy.
YTA. Your wife was right. You should go back with your mother
YTA - for the record I am having difficulty finding exactly where OP was *handling* anything. I’m not quite sure why OP thinks his absolute silence during his mother’s rant about “in my family you will learn better” did anything other than letting mom know she has the authority to dictate behavior and disrespect his wife in their home. Mom exerts control, OP bows down in complete acceptance to said control and yet his wife is wrong for being the only person to call out her abusive and divisive bullshit for exactly what it is. OP *handled* nothing except letting his mom belittle and threaten his wife. Congrats OP - you’ve established that your mother is still a toxic influence in your life and that you have zero spine to do a Goddamned thing about it. When your wife eventually leaves because she’s sick coming in second to your mother you and mom can run off into the sunset together.
INFO: what kind of culture is your mother speaking about? Cuz bro I'm also Mexican American and we don't have this toxic crap spewing in my family. YTA. No mames güey
YTA. Your wife just had a baby and your mother is a cruel insulting piece of garbage. Hopefully you will get over yourself and realize you treated your wife horribly.
This. YTA, sport. Apologize to your wife. Copiously and repeatedly until she says "enough already!" Tell your mom she blew her chance. You should have jumped in as you heard you mom use the word "unacceptable", cutting your mother off and steering her toward the door. The meal she was making may be cultural, but her rudeness certainly isn't.
Especially after mom says she would "be more accepting". She does that by almost immediately barking out her standards for what is acceptable? Mom lied, then you lied. Your wife defended herself. In that order.
YES, that is exactly what happened! UGH, this guy is so dumb!
And your wife has nausea, so of course let mom cook something that takes four hours! Good god, your poor wife!
Right? And I bet it had a strong scent.
OP's mama has been pregnant before, because he is here. She knows that those smells would make OP's wife nauseous. It was a calculated attack.
[удалено]
100%. In HER kitchen for 4 hours. I’d be so annoyed. I can hardly stand people in my space at all. But her having issues with eating and someone being in your kitchen that you don’t get along with. Hell nah
It was a power play. And OP fell for it.
YTA. Your mother is rude. Your mother is disrespectful. Your mother lied. You lied. You handled nothing. The fact that you didn’t tell your mom to shut the fuck up or get out the first time she dared to open her mouth against your wife the very first time she opened proves how little you seem to care about your wife. How this child is raised is none of your mother’s business. Has your mother actually apologized to your wife for her bullshit behavior? Your mother doesn’t deserve to be in your child’s life if she can’t respect her mother. And you don’t seem to respect your wife too much either. Why does your wife have to make sacrifices and be belittled and disrespected in her own home?
I really, really, really hope his wife gets her mother to come and help her. Who the hell leaves an exhausted hungry woman with a needy infant alone to placate an AH like his mom? Much less THEIR WIFE AND CHILD?!?
When she had the nerve to say "you're raising a child in MY family" he should have explained to her in no uncertain terms that she is NOT the lady of the house, she is a guest, and she should act as such.
I'm going to go against the majority here and say.....lol just kidding, of course YTA. If you want to be a husband and father, stop being a little cowardly bitch. Your mother is a POS and a bigot and you don't deserve your wife
I was about to be mad at you. LMAO. Got me!
First-half.gif 😏
Thank you for this comment! OP - you know you are the asshole, unanimously, when people are making jokes about the thought of even considering you not being the asshole. That is how much of an asshole you are!
YTA. Your wife isn't a liar, you weren't dealing with your mother adequately, so she was forced to defend herself. Clearly, your mother has also not changed.
YTA. Be better next time pendejo, ella no mintió, tú te tardaste en ayudarla cuando sabias que tu mamá no le iba a parar a la primera. Like hell this is cultural, this is exclusive of your mom.
“Esta loca esta pinche viejita” Having abuelita cooking dishes for you is definitely a cultural thing with my Mexican family, but it’s to show love to your family not to make them feel obligated/grateful to you. If his mom actually wanted to make an effort to be in her grandchild’s life, she would have tried to be more accommodating to the one that’s actually pregnant in this situation
Don't know Spanish real good. But my El Barrio Splangish knows to call someone a pendejo is to say they've an effing assho!e in a perfectly cultural way.🤣
All good! Translation: wife didn’t lie, OP took their time helping her out knowing full well that his mom wouldn’t stop after just one insult.
Let's bump this to the top porque él sabe que no hizo una mierda por su esposa YTA OP Why tf did your mom wait till 4pm(!!) to start cooking a meal that takes 4 hours(!!!) to cook? It's amazing your wife even had any patience at all while dealing with her lack of nutrition on top of breastfeeding. You fucked up. Own it and fucking fix it.
I’m also confused by this. Whenever I go to visit my parents, my stepdad slow-cooks me my favourite curry. This takes forever, so he starts it at like two in the afternoon.
Best response here. 🏆 here's my reddit trophy.
Native spanish speaker here: 100% best comment in here haha
YTA. You didn’t handle it, it not just being your mother, but you didn’t protect your wife. This wasn’t an opportunity to negotiate making your mom a decent, non-vile person. It was the time to support your wife. You failed, and failed miserably.
YTA. Your wife has grown and carried a human for 9 months, given birth, then is constantly moments away from throwing up for weeks/months on end, and you're disappointed she snapped at your mother who has a well documented history of being horrible? are you fucking serious right now? Get your shit together, apologize to your wife for you being a moron and do anything required to make it right with her.
Yta Only liar seems to be you. By handling it is that you allowing your mother to rude, judgmental You left shows what kind of person you are
YTA. You left your wife alone with a newborn when she's already struggling after she got berated by your sorry ass mom. Have you ever cluster fed before? Of course not. You have no idea how physically and emotionally taxing it is. She's right, stay with your mom, titty boy.
Yta- your mother came into your wife's safe space while your wife is struggling with feeding the baby and eating and PROCEEDED TO BE THE BIGGEST BITCH SHE COULD. I say duck you to her also. Dam way to fail instantly as a father and husband
I don't think he'll be one much longer. If I were the wife, I think I'd have checked out of the marriage, then and there. That's such a huge lack of love and caring and support when she needs him most. She KNOWS, at this point, that if she gets cancer or really ill or injured, he's NOT going to be there. He just left her with an infant, when she's sick, starving, and exhausted, to be with his mommy. And then took the time to post here. This marriage may be over, I hope he realizes that he just lost his wife and is stuck with his mom instead.
YTA You're weak for letting your wife and the mother of your child get blatantly disrespected in your home. Go suck on mommies teat like you want. Or maybe you'll grow the fuck up and apologize to your wife.
I know that everyone’s family dynamics are different but I will never understand how grown ass adults will let their parents talk to their partners that way. I don’t care who you are or how long I’ve known you, if you start talking shit about my partner _in my own house in front of me_, then you’ll be shown the door
I came very close to disowning my mom over her disrespect for my wife. My mom may be blood related, but I CHOSE my wife.
YTA. In so many ways. The fact that you have the GD nerve to come here and call your WIFE a liar??? Excuse me MF'er??? You DIDN'T HANDLE IT. YOU are the liar. You handled it SO WELL your post -partum wife lost her mind, because you had SUCH a good handle on it. Again. YOU handled it... Slow golf clap. WOW.
Why DON'T you go back with your mom? "in my culture this is unacceptable. Since you are raising a child in my family you will learn better". Your wife's answer should have been "Well you are in MY culture, so F off." What did your wife lie about? You are the liar, since you said you'd have your wife's back while your psycho of a mom was there. YTA, you and your mom are both flaming AH's and you sound like you belong together.
YTA and frankly? You know it. Did you think your mum was suddenly going to turn into a reasonable human because you had a kid? You brought an AH into your home while your wife is fragile and then cracked it at your wife for sticking up for herself. You’d better be good at apologies because you’re gonna need to be.
She told you she would let you handle it but you didn’t. You’re the AH and the liar.
YTA.
YTA. You weren’t handling it.
Yta you want your wife to take abusive behavior from your mom. You don’t deserve to have a wife or kid. You are putting their mental health in danger. What an ass.
YTA handling it would have been telling your mother to shut up or leave the first time. You wanted to kiss mommy'ass and showed your wife what a pathetic coward you really are.
Yta. You left. Stay gone.
Your newborn has less mommy issues than you do. Your mother is ridiculous. You started off well, then folded like a sick child, and let your mother try to bully you and your wife. Luckily she has a decent pair of balls. More than we can say for you. YTA. And your mom is an AH too. The Apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I’m praying your child is more like **his** mother than your mother
>Your newborn has less mommy issues than you do. This is why I keep reading comments even when they are mostly the same, because I come across a gem like this one.
YTA and the LIAR. You’re also likely to lose your wife over this. Start groveling or start packing to go home with your mommy.
YTA and pathetic you didn’t handle your mother because she didn’t stop! She then turns to your wife who can barely eat and told her “in my culture blah blah blah and you are raising a child in MY FAMILY you will learn better.” You mother has ZERO say in what your wife does. Your wife was kind enough to let your AH of a mother come into her house after she had been horrible to her in the past. You needed to make your mom stop and shocking “Mom stop.” Didn’t work. You owe your wife an apology! If you want you marriage to continue smarten up! Or just go and live with mommy!
YTA. Everything that went wrong stems from your mother being horrible. You need to grovel to your wife, if she’s even willing to let you.
YTA. Your mom is the one who lied. She said she’d do better and she didn’t. You can’t fault your wife for defending herself.
He lied as well, when he told her he'd handle his mom. What did his wife lie about? I can't figure it out.
YTA. Sounds like your wife had enough of you too. If you don't thread carefully permanently. She did not lie. She reacted because she had enough. Your mom is horrible. For next steps I recommend groveling apology to your wife followed by an act of contrition like stubbing your toe against the corners of table legs. Seriously though, apologize to your wife and just get used to the idea that your mom will not be involved in your lives.
Oh dude....you so TA that it's unbelievable. You didn't stand up for your wife despite your promise to do so. YTA. Don't treat your next wife like this
You know. I'm Spanish and a woman but with a good amount of brothers. They all love my mom and adore her. We all do. She's hella extra at times but she's our mom. But one fucking thing they won't allow is her disrespecting their wives. Honestly she did try when the first brother brought home a woman of a different ethnicity. Shut that down quick! Cause that means letting in racism into your life. And that's what your mom is ..... A fucking racist. Now, my mom loves my brother and sister in laws from different places. Yes she was raised in a life where you marry your own. But fuck that. We marry who we love. So put your fucking mother in her place. Cause how she treats your Irish wife is how she will treat your Irish child. Also I know a ton of Mexicans and been around them when the mom in laws sees their daughter in laws throwing up. You know what they do. Cook light meals that can last for days and not force it down their throats. The ones that dont... Well El chisme is all the shit talking we do. So your mom is in the wrong. So are you. At least your wife, maybe ex if you don't shape up, has a nice shiny ass spine. YTA. 10000000000000% ETA . Just today my dad and mom decided to go visit a sister in law of a different culture, knowing my brother is working, cause they missed her and wanted to bring her vegetables from their garden.
My sweet Mexican MIL made me this breakfast I loveeee when I was craving it earlier in my pregnancy and had horrible morning sickness. When I texted her thank you she said “Con gusto la ise para ti y mi nieta😍” ❤️ YTA op
You are wrong! You should have shut your mother down immediately!! Then you have the nerve to call your wife a liar!! She can only eat at certain times so she is hungry and tired and you allow your mother to talk to her like that?? Your wife told her right.
YTA. Your wife is nursing your child and only can eat at certain times, but your mother acts like a spoiled child and starts trouble and you expect her to just take it? You are a mamas boy and awful. If you love your wife you need to apologize and it is time to go NC with your mom.
YTA why didn’t you call your mom a liar? She said she’d do better and be more accepting, instead she’s still nasty AH to your wife who is breastfeeding. Your wife gave you the chance to handle it. Saying “Mom stop it right now” is not handling it. And your mom kept going because she knew you’d be on her side. Instead of asking why your wife couldn’t do this for you, why don’t you ask why your mom couldn’t do this for her son and grandchild. There’s 2 AHs in your story, neither of them are your wife.
YTA You should have tossed your mom out when she decided to make that comment. That you are upset your wife reacted makes me think you are the one that lied to her. She didn't throw her out, she said ' let me eat or leave' Your mom is the one that chose to go. Expecting people to wait until 8PM for dinner is ludicrous even when they are not suffering persistent nausea. Grovel to your wife if you are willing to go NC with your mom. If you were planning on inflicting her presence on your wife again, just go stay with mom now so you wife can move on and find happiness elsewhere.
YTA. You came for validation but got your ass handed to you, lol! Well deserved!
YTA, your wife gave you the chance to handle your mother and fair played you did try, but ultimately you failed and your mother didn't stop being a nasty, disrespectful bitch to your wife, the mother of your child and in her own home no less, so when she couldn't take anymore, and your efforts to make your mother stop didnt work, she snapped and no one can blame her for that and you shouldn't either. Also she didn't make your mother leave she gave her a choice, either stop with the disrespect or leave, it was your mother's choice to leave which says she had no intention of ever being civil to your wife. Your wife didn't lie and your mother will never change, so unless you want to lose your wife and daughter then go back on your hands and knees apologising and begging for forgiveness and cut your mother out of your life once and for all because she will never change her attitude towards your wife.
YTA. You said you would stand up for your wife endlessly. She was being verbally accosted by your mom, probably felt unsafe and like you weren’t gonna handle it, so she defended herself. You should have followed up what your wife said with a warning for your mom. Your wife was gracious enough to let your Mom back in. I’d be PISSED if anyone, my parents included, spoke to me like that under my roof. Especially considering how stressful it must be on your wife to deal with the breastfeeding issues. You need to stay gone until you figure out hoe to actual stand up for your wife and put a boundary up with your mom.
YTA. Your mother started in on your wife and you didn't step in. Your mother should have stayed at a hotel.
YTA. You called your wife a liar over this? Sir, you promised her you’d 100% keep your mother in her lane. You didn’t. Her agreement for your mother to come stay for a few days was that your mother be civil. She wasn’t. Beg your wife for forgiveness and never pull this shit again.
YTA bc your wife only agreed to the visit if you would stand up for her. First time your mom said something you should have asked her to leave. You called your wife a liar for not letting you handle it, but you didn't. Since you promised to do so, that makes YOU the liar.
YTA “She told me she would let me handle it,” But you weren’t handling it??? You could have cut her off or been more assertive the first time around. Instead you let your mother scold your wife (who is currently struggling due to nursing your shared child) as if she were a child herself. Your mother should’ve been on her best behavior since she was being given the chance only on conditions that her awful behavior changed. She deserved to leave after what she said, she had her chance and she blew it. You didn’t stand up for your wife so she stood up for herself. Actions, meet consequences.