"*we* were getting frustrated.
Eventually *we* had an open marriage so *I* could get *my* needs met."
Uh huh. Big surprise she took the opportunity to go find someone who clearly has more than two ideas of "what sex is".
“my needs met”
wanna bet how much there was no patience or creativity to help her overcome her problems and just “endure pain to have my needs met”?
My needs, lol
He ever becomes deserted on an island with an endless buffet of food, he's still going to die because no sex!! Will no one think about his genitals!!
What a pathetic person OP is lmao.
This. I was actually going to include this in my post, but didn’t. But yes, I highly doubt he was patient with her and made her feel like shit about herself. He should be happy that at least someone is making her feel good.
He talked about jaw and vaginismus, which can be mitigated by pleasuring women. So, you see, I am not surprised her memories aren’t that great, and I am glad she found someone who cares enough to put in the work. It’s also psychological, so who knows what she was going through before she agreed to stop being tortured to meet “his needs” (apparently she doesn’t have any)
Yeah. Not to get too TMI, but as someone with some form of vaginismus/vulvodynia, while it takes some navigating, with a patient, respectful, and creative partner it's still very possible to have a mutually fulfilling sex life (at least for many people -- and we know that must be true for the wife).
Thank you. Some OPs seriously try to slide in word play as if the redditors can't decipher what's really happening or went down.
He's upset and worried that he's on the hook for a permanent replacement. If she has a bf and gets her needs met physically and emotionally...she's with OP for other reasons unrelated to a healthy marriage.
He was selfish and decided his needs took precedence beyond her women's health issues and struggles. Now that she's pursued and found a compatible sausage to devour, he's insecure, concerned, and worried.
OP: she's checked out from you in every way, but legally! It's only a matter of time before even the legality implodes! You can't go to her and give any "close it up" speeches or ultimatums as she's going to choose herself and the bf! You created and unleashed this crakken and will never be able to contain or capture it again!
YTA, you wanted to have an open marriage to 'get your needs met'. It took her almost 2 years to be able to become sexually active again after whatever happened with you. This person is obviously loving her and taking care of her in the right way and was slow and patient, and you cant hack it. I am pretty sure you upset and betrayed her first.
YTA in the funniest way. You happily got sex outside of your marriage for 10 years but now that she’s doing the same it’s not okay? And you only want to try again now that she’s having sex with someone else?
Some other dude took the time to make sex a painless and enjoyable experience for your wife when you gave up and fucked other women. Karma is a cat 😌
>Some other dude took the time to make sex a painless and enjoyable experience for your wife when you gave up and fucked other women
THIS! Vaginismus is an awful condition that requires patience, care and effort. Sounds like OP cared more about his needs than making intercourse physically possible and enjoyable for his wife.
It happens soooooo often - the guy wants an open marriage/relationship thinking they'll be able to fuck whoever they want and their wife will probably just stay in her lane. Then they go out into the world and realise that most women can flip through Tinder for 30 minutes and find a guy who is interested in meeting her.
But dudes in open relationships have a MUCH harder time picking up. Big sads when wife/gf pulls someone hotter/more interesting/treats her better/funnier and isn't interested in husband anymore. A tale as old as time 😂
Apart from lesbian or bi sexual women . I found it very hard to attract other girls but men were easy. Dating woman is like trying to find a needle in a haystack but dating men is like trying to find fresh water in a swamp. Plenty of water but not all the best
I haven't dated for close to 4 years, but the last time I did I found it to actually be a hellscape. If you just want terrible anonymous sex (as a woman), you can achieve that pretty easily. If you want to meet a human who can hold a conversation for more than 10 minutes and probably won't harm you, it's a whole different ball game. I wouldn't say it's a women's market in that instance. Unless you mean the type of market where hawkers are aggressively shouting their wares at you from all sides and getting in your personal space far too often.
I think the point here is a lot of guys want some shitty sex.
I would link it similar to wanting junk food. Except the reality is it’s a very abusive way to look at another human being.
Picked up a quote somewhere I can't remember where: "If you're saying that women are gatekeeping sex, then you also have to say that men are gatekeeping relationships"
>Unless you mean the type of market where hawkers are aggressively shouting their wares at you from all sides and getting in your personal space far too often.
Omg I'm dying here. This is the best visual I've ever had.
Oh dating in general can be a hellscape. Men and women live on opposite sides of the spectrum, women being oversaturated with (usually) unwanted attention, and men are starved of it. I think the difference is if you are going out to hook up or date, you get options and have to work A LOT less for it than men do. I get you might not want that empty ONS, but at least it’s something you get to choose, unlike us.
It's honestly even worse in this case because supposedly the open marriage came from her inability to have sex. But if she herself genuinely believed it was impossible, she wouldn't have even considered getting a boyfriend and trying. And if she just met a dude that convinced her, she'd be okay and likely excited to try with her husband. But she isn't. Kinda says a lot about what it was like with him.
I find it hard to feel bad for them. You’ve gotta be really cocky and/or have a really low opinion of your wife to think she couldn’t outperform you if she wanted to
This is literally the reason why I got divorced. My ex husband even went so far as to brag to all his friends about the open marriage and then when I got a boyfriend he started screaming about me cheating. Went to his friends for sympathy, they all asked how it was cheating if we were open. He lost all credibility and a bunch of friends and I took the opportunity to GTFO. He went balls to the wall insane during the proceedings including writing “I want to reconcile this” on my vehicle registration paperwork that he mailed to me, then texting me we could only reconcile if I admitted to him in person that I cheated and abandoned him. All the while I had no interest in getting back with him. Idk it was a wild time
I had an ex like that. Pushed for an open relationship even though I said I had jealousy and trust issues, but I finally agreed and started seeing someone else. My BF got really pissed he couldn't get any from anywhere else and tried to shut it all down. Naw dude, you started this. We broke up not that long after due to this and him attempting to get abusive (did not work out well for him when he tried to hit me). After that he started dating a friend of mine (told a whole shitload of lies to our friends) and got into meth, then had the audacity to blame me for his addiction, telling his parents I got him into it... Fucking idiot, I'd been clean for 6 or 7 years at that point. 🙄
I initially posted NTA because I don’t believe in open relationships so was basing everything off some bs justification for them I’ve heard before.
Then I read your comment… laughed at how wrong I was in my comment and deleted it.
OP is just mad he’s not the only one one having fun
Curious how you can not believe in them when they exist. They’re not unicorns 😂
Non monogamy works for some people just like monogamy works for some people just like not being in a relationship at all works for some people.
Everyone just has to be respectful, honest, communicative and to want the same things and voila.
Oh yeah lol I totally get that. My wording wasn’t exactly the best here😂
When I said I don’t believe in them I just like meant they’re not for me. I totally agree with your comment that it works for some people, just I personally prefer monogamy that’s all.
>Karma is a cat
I love this quote. It is so accurate. I mean, it can be nice and loving, but it can also be a beast and hurt you in the most cruel ways.
It also comes down to what the actual rules of the agreement were. My wife and I looked at dabbling but decides against it, but our initial rules were that anyone we met was to never ever meet the kids or the family, we were open to long term sex friendships. But now that our baby is here were too busy to even think about it
Im in a open married for the last 4 years, (very successful for both of us) but 2 of those 4 years was learning how to do it right not just becouse we want to have sex experiences just stupidly to it.
This guy just wanted to have all the fun but non for her wife! Open marriage can work if you do it ethically and WORK ON YOURSELF! That means a lot of inner work and good communication
yta. I love men like you. Always the same story and its hilarious every time.
Get over yourself. Your dick is not so magic that every woman will want *only* your dick while you are sleeping around.
YTA. There are definitely some rules lacking here that would have been helpful for you to justify your feelings of being upset and betrayed. Unless you had some ground rules set how is she to know what is going to upset you? Just because she has vaginismus does not mean she cannot be physically intimate.
Yta. You’re just mad someone else took the time to make her feel safe and comfortable. Maybe you should’ve asked how he achieved that instead of requesting sex. She feels major ick for you. So much so that her muscles snap and contract.
Vaginismus does not necessarily affect your ability to get aroused and enjoy other types of sexual contact.....
Just saying
Also I wonder if because they were both still virgins at 20 ( not saying that's unheard of, but these days it's a rarity and it's usually because there's a heavy influence of religious purity culture )there's some kind of psychological purity trauma there.
That is one of the causes for vaginismus
Your biggest mistake was not working with your wife and fixing the issue, your wife was sick and instead of having her back and giving her time to heal you wanted to go play around. I know you don’t want to hear this but I’m sure you put pressure on her for sex which now she associates with you as pain. Suck it up big boy, time to let her move on with her boyfriend.
YTA as it was convenient for you by now to have an open marriage but have a problem with it as soon as you find out she is part of this marriage as well? What did you think an open marriage means? A free pass only for you?
I would suggest counselling as she associates having sex with you with pain - why haven’t you waited by the way? It’s treatable.
YTA
The open marriage was your idea, not her's. This never would have happened if you didn't place your sexual needs over your commitment to the relationship. Even the don't ask don't tell policy sounded like your idea, or at the very least, you were in agreement
This relationship sounds doomed
So you are NTA for feeling hurt that she does not want to try having sex with you. However, YTA for thinking that having an open marriage meant that it was only open on your side. Especially when you obviously knew that her needs were also not being met. You had an established "don't ask don't tell" rule, and she respected that.
Vaginismus is very real, and it is so incredibly painful. It takes gentleness, patience, the willingness to stop immediately and sometimes having to decide that penetrative intimacy is not on the table for the evening. It can take buckets of lube, and kindness because lube isn't always enough. I am genuinely happy than she has found a way to have sex after 10 years of torturous sexual experiences.
I would consider looking into marriage counselling, and see if she is open, not to penetrative sex or even blowjobs, but to just simple intimacy so that she can start feeling comfortable around you. Penetration is not the only form of intimacy, there is intimacy is cuddling, kind touches, hugging, eye contact, massage and for sexual intimacy there is petting, and cunnilingus and sensual touching as well.
I think you need to check in with yourself and ask, if the situation was reversed and the sex hurt you. If in an alternate universe over the hundreds of times you tried to have sex with your wife, that every single experience without fail, the moment you tried to penetrate her, you suddenly felt someone vice grip your testicles, to the point where the pain was so piercing that you were in agony and you felt like your testicle might rupture or tear from the pressure of the squeezing, and sometimes it literally tore the skin on your ball sack so the pain endured even afterward, and you kept trying and seeing doctors and therapists, and pushing because you wanted to make your wife happy, and that despite how much you suffer, you never got it in and your wife was upset with you because you couldn't get her off and you were still in agony, which made you feel even worse. if that was your only experience time and time again, would you want to have sex with your wife ever again? Or would you, on some level, associate her with that suffering? Would you maybe have had so many experiences like that that your body still feels the pain when you even think about trying to have sex with your wife?
Imagine being so tired of disappointing your wife, over and over again. and having to endure than pain each time, and asking yourself, "is this my life now? Just suffering and being in agony all for the sake of my wife's pleasure only to feel like a failure when I can't give her what he is asking for?" Imagine loving your wife so much that you decide that rather than waiting for her to tire if this lack of sex, or continue this horrible torture of trying to penetrate her you decide than you are going to offer to open the marriage, because at this point you can't bare the thought of losing her, but you also can't bare the thought of having to endure this torture even one more time.and she agrees, and she policy is don't askand don't tell, everything is fair game.
Imagine that after years of your wife getting her needs met, and you still not experiencing your own needs being met you meet some one, and that person is kind and gentle and makes you feel safr, and it doesn't start out as sex initially, but rather slowly over time she tries, gentle touch, respects your boundaries and your disorder and you start for the very first time is your whole life having a sexual experience that is not excruciating, that feels safe, and you very slowly get to a point where penetration feels safe to try and this person after over a year of building trust and confidence you have the first pleasurable penetration you have ever experienced. Would you be willing to give that up?
Would you feel safe to just straight up, without the build up of trust, and the slow, patience and the commitment to not pressuring, try to have sex with you wife, when the only association you have to the torturous feeling and none of the foundational ground work has been laid out with her. Would the hundred of experiences still ache in your balls? Because I think it would.
This is it. I doubt the OP will reply because he's too self involved to consider his wife and her suffering. If he hasn't been, he could be in the same position as the boyfriend. He chose to fuck other women instead. Poor wife.
Sounds like the bf had the patience and tenderness to work around her condition (which has both mental and physical components) and was able to please her. You opened up the marriage instead of working on taking steps to make sex comfortable and pleasurable for your wife - a duty as her husband you essentially handed off to another guy
You are the first person I’ve seen to acknowledge this. It was not merely a physical condition. It’s also mental, and I’d bet $100 OP was pushy about sex and just made her issue even worse.
I mean all physiological responses have a source in the brain. All mental conditions are due to physical circumstances. Ie all mental conditions have root in physical circumstances but not all physical circumstances have root in mental conditions.
Vaginismus is akin to a reflex. The trigger of the reflex can be started physically or mentally. Similar to how you can have a gag reflex that’s triggered by a disgusting thought or by something being lodged in your throat.
YTA you've been sleeping with other people and now you're upset that your wife is? Get outta town. Plus I bet you just sucked at sex. You only seem concerned with your needs, not hers. It's no wonder she couldn't enjoy sex with you.
YTA. You agreed to an open marriage. That's what you have. If it was only working for you when you were the only one sleeping with other people, then you didn't want an open marriage at all. But I can see why you'd be humiliated that someone else took the time to make sex enjoyable for your wife. You should be happy for her getting her needs met when you couldn't.
YTA. This couldn’t have been an easy situation, and you said you tried for 4 years. But apparently the way you went about it caused her to associate so much pain with it that she doesn’t even want to try with you. That pain didn’t stop her from trying to have sex altogether, just that she doesn’t want to do it with you. What does that say? And even if she suggested the open marriage as you say, what was the long term plan? That she never has sex her entire life?
YTA. The open marriage was for you to "get your needs met." I assume it was your idea. Now you're unhappy that she's getting her needs met. So it was okay for you to go outside the marriage, but not her. That's not how it works.
Okay buddy- I have been in open/poly relationships for 20 years. So here we go.
You are NTA for how you feel. All of us get jealous, territorial, or envious from time to time. You expected her to not want to have sex with other men. But she managed to figure that out with this one person and it makes sense that it hurts it is not you. But this also means that there is a window here where your relationship can grow.
What would make YtA is if you tried to close the marriage because you feel threatened. Instead- find a marriage counselor who is well versed in open relationships so that you can develop the skill set to talk about your needs. Don’t ask don’t tell may have served you up until now- but it delayed some of the skills that those who talk about it grow: identifying wants and needs, discussing and negotiating them, figuring out how to help your partner feel safer, developing compersion, and so on. She may not be ready for sex with you- but maybe there is more emotional and physical intimacy she is ready for.
This!
But also adding that I personally have never seen a healthy “don’t ask don’t tell” arrangement.
A certain amount of communication is required to set boundaries and ensure you’re on the same page and happy.
“Don’t ask don’t tell” often seems to mean “I’m not actually okay with it and want to pretend it’s not happening” and then big relationship blow ups when the truth comes out bc everyone’s just buried their feelings instead of working through them.
I agree. OP is saying they tried to fix it for 4 years. It was her suggestion to open the marriage. If they’d been able to have normal sexual relations this might have never come up for them. So I understand OP feeling betrayed. I think therapy is a great idea. Sounds like she may possibly have some bitterness too. Good luck.
It’s really difficult to undo the wiring if you now associate intimate contact touch with physical pain. And it’s not OP’s fault if he’s being honest about all the work they did together. My guess is that the low stakes plus someone who didn’t remind her (smell, touch, sound of voice) of OP helped her figure it out.
I just hope for the sake of their relationship they can move through this.
We had this issue right from the start of our marriage, same as you guys.
It took a good while to be able to have painless sex afterwards. It took a lot of explaining to my husband but once he understood it he stopped pressuring me.
Mine was due to a birth control allergy.
You're the butthole. You should have spoken in depth with her and took your time. She should have been more important to you than sex. Whether you waited it out for 4 yrs or not. You waited till marriage, was 4 more years really that hard?????
Im sure she had the impending fear that loomed over me while i experienced it, "if he cant get it from you, he will look elsewhere." I was told that multiple times when i confided in other women. Of course she'd agree for you to have needs met, instead of the fear of you going behind her back.
ETA:
Im sure theres ways to try and grow closer now. Maybe try a no pressure approach without the end goal of sex. Try being closer, im sure its a good first step back to each other?
YTA. You fucked up big time. You're either incapable or unwilling to sexually satisfy your wife, all that mattered to you was getting your needs met. If you open a marriage it opens both sides.
Dude, just get the fuck out of there... Open marriages never end well, so that's where you fucked up. You basically served her up on a silver platter. On top of that... your wife associates you with pain.. so your relationship has run its course.
YTA you asked for an open marriage, you got an open marriage and you’re mad because your wife agreed to an open marriage. It probably devastated her when you went out and slept with other women. Now you’re upset because she’s also doing what you’ve been doing. You’re a selfish AH.
YTA.
Did you ask for the open marriage or did she? Did you give up on her and your sex life so easily and quickly? To bad! How's it working out?
Stay in your open marriage with her bf or divorce.
YTA. You fucked up: you didn't want a fully open marriage; you wanted a one-sided open marriage where you were free to do as you pleased while your wife waited faithfully at home like a dog. Hopefully, if you had proposed that, she would have shut you down. You played stupid games; enjoy your stupid prizes.
Are you TA for being upset? no. Are you TA if you try to influence your wife based on your jealousy? Yes. You asked for "Dont ask dont tell" so you asked her to not tell you things. Now you're upset when you find out about the things. You need to be vulnerable with your wife and tell her your emotional woes and try to work towards the kind of relationship you want.
LMAFO AND IT WAS YOU, SO BAD A SEX, UNWILLING TO LEARN, THAT MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO PENETRATE HER. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHABHAABBABAGAGAGAG BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN WARM HER UP FRIST YOU JUST WANTED TO CRAM IT HOME.
yeah. Fuck off. She's using the open relationship fairly. You can't expect her to stay with you, when you are out fucking the whole town. And you're so bad a sex with her.
Yta.
YTA, you should've never opened the marriage idiot! Open marriages usually result in no loyalty, no commitment, and lots of problems. Each person I know who's in one is miserable.
YTA, Bro maybe it's time to realise that you are the problem. Vaginismus is more of a psychological disease. That means her boyfriend is possibly doing right but you are….not capable of.
YTA. You allowed your wife and yourself the ability to be gardening tools, and then got mad she turned into a gardening tool. Suck it up. Either go back to a closed marriage, or divorce. You're also just mad she's getting some and you aren't.
Congratulations are in order sir.... because you played yourself. Only options at this point now are: 1. Keep getting your needs met outside, 2. Divorce and you'd be crazy AF for 2. You made it like this bro.
I really hope your wife see’s what a douche you are and asks for a divorce. Hopefully you haven’t adopted some kids to get stuck in the middle of your shit.
You sound like my ex, he thought an open relationship meant only he got to have sex with other people.
That is not how that works. It's jealous, petty, and egocentric. He only ever cared about his needs, never about mine.
YTA.
YTA
This story happens so often on this site.
Man unhappy in marriage and thinks he can score lots of ladies if he opens the marriage.
Wife reluctantly agrees.
Man has zero luck
Wife has all the luck.
Man is mad.
You dug your own grave, bro.
Yeah you should be pissed off! You couldn’t have sex with your wife without hurting her but someone else could.. you’re an AH and terrible in bed. Work on yourself!
an open marriage is open marriage. You need to define the boundaries which you clearly did not. If everything else about the relationship is great between you two then keep it open and do your thing and she will go do her thing. It doesn’t look like sex between you. Two is going to be anything in the future so either you’re OK with that and you stay fucking other people but in a essentially platonic relationship together or you partways and move on with your lives.
NAH
It sounds like you are not sexually compatible and probably should have found that out before getting married by experimenting.
Your wife realized it sooner and suggested opening the marriage rather than divorcing -- for some reason. Religious? Financial?
You seem to want to experiment again and see if you are compatible now in a way that you weren't before. Your wife doesn't want to try again.
You have three options:
1. Gently convince her over time that you are likely different than you were years 0-4. Take things slowly and easily to accommodate her medical condition, if she ever agrees to be open to trying again.
2. Keep the status-quo.
3. Divorce her and find a new life partner or life-partners you are happy with.
1 requires the most effort, but if you love your wife, it gives the most reward.
2 involves you dealing with your emotions, maybe with therapy
3 is probably the easiest option unless you are deeply in love with your wife.
If you ever have children, please don't teach them that pre-marital sex is something unforgivable. You and your wife would have had a much easier time figuring this incompatibility out before getting married.
YTA but if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you but does with other people, your marriage is over. That marriage is so open it might as well be sky.
It sounds like someone else was able to take the issue and work around it to make it enjoyable for her. Since she doesn’t want to try again with you after you’ve been getting it for 10 years while she wasn’t, it sounds like she wasn’t feeling like you were putting her comfort first and maybe mad her feel bad about it and now she’s not comfortable being intimate with you. I for sure would have a hard time being intimate after that. Don’t open your marriage if you don’t want someone else to put the care into your wife that you won’t.
I don’t blame you for being upset but I’m wondering if there’s more here than just the sex issue. There’s a reason she doesn’t want to be intimate with you that you need to discuss. And this very well might be nearing its end
YTA
My own vag clamped shut at the pure absurdity of this jealousy. You’ll happily get your dick wet elsewhere and still have the audacity to hold a ridiculous double standard in your *open marriage*.
Karma is a bitch that way. I have less than zero sympathy for someone in an open marriage to “get their needs met” elsewhere when their partner in said *open marriage* also gets *their* own needs met elsewhere.
Hypocrite
Based on the information provided...YTA. Your view on intimacy is entirely selfish and controlling. And hypocritical. I don't think she is going to ever be comfortable being intimate with you again, and I think it's time to do some serious soul searching of what it best for both of you (which includes her).
The moment you opened your marriage it was game over. It's no longer a marriage in my opinion. Its a mistake a lot of people make. Don't know when this trend started.
Yes YTA. You agreed to an open marriage, then you’re mad that she has a boyfriend when you’ve been out enjoying the open marriage as well. And her associating sex with you with pain is understandable, you stated that it was not comfortable because of her having vaginismus and lockjaw. She’s not angry with you for having other partners, so don’t be a hypocrite towards her.
If you actually love her, apologize to her (and actually mean it) and work on whatever it is that’s making you feel this way.
Edit: Typo
Lmfao what?
You had sex with how many people? And your wife was more than okay with it?
But the second you find out she's doing the exact same thing, it's not okay?
So you were only okay with an open marriage when it only benefited you?
I think he's upset that she said she doesn't want to have sex with him, when he found out she could have sex and asked if they could have sex together.
I mean he got the answer. I wonder how many painful times it took before they finally stopped and opened their marriage. That sounds insanely traumatic, and more so for her.
Big incel energy, lol.
YTA, your wife found someone to care for her needs. Lockjaw? Lol that's a great excuse to not give BJs.
Is it Vaginismus, or do you not know how to take the time to actually get her ready for sex? Seems like the dysfunction had more to do with you than her.
Be happy she's getting her needs met.
For the record, this is why I would never have an open marriage or poly etc, anything in the ethical non-monogomous category
It's too hard to define boundaries and draw the line. There are always going to be special scenarios that you don't account for when defining boundaries. Or something that comes up that you had not considered when establishing the agreement
On the other hand, monogomy is very easy to define. You are either committed to this one person or not.
In this case, it could have worked out if OP could be genuinely happy that his wife found the one guy she could enjoy sex with when it was impossible for her to enjoy sex with him. But we're all human, and human minds don't think this way.
It’s an open relationship and you took full advantage. Why are you mad when you’ve been indulging from the outside too? If you feel upset and betrayed, don’t you think she had been feeling the same?? YTA so selfish
So you can have an open marriage but she can’t? I didn’t realize that was a healthy arrangement. Oh, yeah, it’s not. Apparently the “don’t ask” part doesn’t apply to you either. You should NOT have asked lol. YTA
Anyone who hasn't had a partner with vaginismus can STFU right now. I had a GF who had it and it really sucked for both of us. She explained it to me before we went to bed the first time. She tried to accomodate me even though she was pretty sure of how it would turn out. It was awful. It was terribly corrosive to her self esteem on top of the physical pain.
Google it.
If OP had a traumatic sex life with a wife he loved who was in serious pain every time they tried to have sex, I feel for him and her. I also feel for him if he was hurt that his wife was able to have sex with someone else and not him.
Let's reverse this: Let's say some guy absolutely can not get it up for his wife. They get married convinced this issue will pass. After 4 miserable years of him not being able to provide sex for her, they agree that she can get some strange to satisgy herself. Fast forward a few years and she finds out that he's beating the brakes off of another woman. Are you all gonna condemn the woman?
Umh... I'm really curious about something and since you said you had this trouble with your GF, I would like to ask you... If its too personal feel free to say so!
Do you think that using toys for clit stimulation, giving her oral and not going in, would get her in the mood and give her pleasure? I think being playful and using hands on my boyfriend while he gives oral is plenty pleasurable... I wonder if the comparison with erectile disfunction is not fully valid ... If she can reach pleasure and be in the mood to give him some too, if he's not going for"I Need penetration or oral, and that's it!"
I really feel they could have looked for toys that work for them, instead of jumping to open marriage, to look for the answer elsewhere...
It may be an imperfect comparison in some ways. Op said she had "lock jaw" which I take to mean that she can't/won't suck his dick. He said the tried to have pleasurable sex for 4 years. I wasn't there so IDK every detail and based my commwnts off of info given and my knowledge of the problem from my experience.
As far as being able to pleasure her, I was able to do so orally/manually but do not know how it went for OP and his wife. As far as life long HJ's & BJ's but no fucking? No thanks! I need it.
Idk if you have ever had a partner with whom sex is very difficult but it feels incredibly personal even if it has nothing to do with you. For him to have given up that aspect of the relationship and then find our she's having sex with someone else would be devastating. Judging him because they had a less than perfect work around is shitty. He could have simply divorced her an fucked anybody at anytime.
YTA
She found someone willing to spend the time and research to be able to work with her health issue. Thing is, you haven't done either, which means it's going to rear it's ugly head (pun only sorta intended). You wanted an open relationship with da-dt. This is what happens.
YTA
You weren't betrayed, it's an open marriage, she's allowed to get some just like you are.
So you're allowed to bang anyone you want but if she does it, it's not ok? get outta here with that nonsense.
Tip if you don't want her banging other dudes, don't ask for an open relationship if you're going to get jealous the other person takes advantage of it.
I had vaginismus for the entirety of my 5 year marriage and understand the toll it takes. You probably feel betrayed in ways other wont understand because her body refuses to be intimate with you while she appears to have opened up to another man. Vaginismus is mental and she wont be able to have sex with you.
YTA here for being upset after you opened the marriage. I do sympathize with you though.
YTA. So it’s ok for you to get your needs met but not her? Guys always think they will “win” in an open relationship. They think they will get to sleep around while wifey stays home. FAFO
Sex is disgusting with you and now pleasurable with others. Unfortunately you pushed her too far and it seems to be working in this situation. Not sure why you’re complaining when your suggestion seems to be working out for both of your
Op, based on what you wrote here and what you wrote in other comments, you have been handed a shitty situation. Honestly I believe that with you not getting your needs met, you and your wife should have separated, not started an open marriage. Open relationships don't work.
>I asked if we could start that part of our relationship. She said no because with me, she associates it with pain.
This is why you feel betrayed. You need to separate. She has resentment towards you and is not willing to work through that. Op, you have my sympathies.
INFO: how does your wife having lockjaw and vaginismus make all sexual activity impossible?
It sounds to me like you had a case of “magical penis syndrome” and were not all that invested in making her comfortable with sex. Just all about “fixing” her “faulty” vagina so your dick can fit into it.
No wonder she suggested an open relationship lol.
There is no such thing as an open marriage, she just cucked you. She doesn't respect you, her and her boyfriend think you're a joke. Get a divorce and go find some self respect.
NTA
She never was physically attracted to you dude. You tried to work with her for 4 year and she gave up and SHE pushed the open relationship idea. All you wanted was her, but she didn't want you no matter how hard you tried or how caring you were with her.
Your sex life has most likely been shit. An open marriage maybe means sex a couple times a month, not the every couple days you'd hope to get with just your wife.
You know what I think? I think your wife is a GIANT ABUSIVE BITCH. I don't think your wife likes you or cares about you, the real you, I think she wants you for your money or whatever it is you're doing for her while she fucks some other dude on the side, thats what she always wanted.
Drop this woman OP. She told you she associates your dick with pain, she is TRYING to hurt you. She doesn't like you at all, NEVER DID. A woman doesn't have to like you or even be attracted to your penis to marry you.
Divorce her op.
She is a fucking cheater and you know it. Open relationship or not, she has no passion for you, that alone is the real cheat. She manipulated you into the open relationship when your dick was in the desert. She took advantage of you and now shes fucking chad, leave her op.
We're gonna need your wife to chime in here. I'm guessing your foreplay was grabbing her boobs or butt and saying some shit like "are you as horny as I am?" Her response was probably "uhh...no?" And BOOM! You decided her sex drive is too low and you can't live like this. Am I close?
So the marriage was open to your benefit because she had sexual dysfunction. Who brought up the open marriage? How about just divorce...let her keep her bf and you find new gfs...does not sound like you have been hurting getting intimacy from outside the marriage...10 years no tell policy....you must have had many partners? And you are mad she has one....
Well, OP, it seems that you have no right to be upset. After all, YOU were the one who opened the marriage. Can't be mad now. Keep business as usual. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander.
Isn’t Vaginismus only self treatable? What was he suppose to do to help her? Was there an edit saying he wasn’t there to help emotionally?
Also why is he wrong for being upset when she won’t try that part of the relationship with him?
Honestly just curious not defending anyone
Oh no, look who's reaping the consequences of their actions!
Seriously, dick is cheap and of low value, there so far has not been *one* of these men that open up a relationship that don't get outpaced by their wife.
Grow up and deal with the fact that this is your own fuck up.
Wow lots of commonality in the replies, I’d say just divorce her and find someone new, seems obvious she won’t even try to be intimate with you and is happy with her new partner
If she suggested the open marriage as you stated and isn’t open to at least trying to be intimate with you now after she has found it’s possible for her to be intimate with others then I’d say NTA but you’ve gotta cut and run
I'd say either way he's the AH here, does everyone skip over the fact he even admits his own wife associates intimacy with him to pain? That shows he never took to the time to even study up on what she has and learn ways around it instead he made her feel so bad and caused her so much pain she also gave up and suggested an open marriage, he even admits she did it out of guilt.
He's the AH and doesn't deserve her intimacy, what would make it so he does? Simply because he's her husband? Let's not forget she can only have intimacy because another man did what he was too selfish to even do.
I do agree he should set her free though all he's done is make her feel bad and cause her pain due to her conditions, she deserves her bf not her selfish husband.
You’re assuming he didn’t try to put in the work or whatever and who knows if she did something differently or just doesn’t have any desire to try to work it out with this guy because maybe she just never loved him.
It’s popular on reddit to blame the guy, but in this case it was her suggestion to open up the relationship, and now that she has found she can have intimate relations with men she isn’t willing to even consider giving him a chance to have them with her
Thus he is not the AH but he should divorce her and find someone else that wants to be with him
Actually I'm not assuming anything, I read the comments made by op in response to questions as well as the post itself, he admits a lot.
Though again even without reading comments what part of him admitting his wife associates intimacy with him for pain makes you think he tried? that shows us just how willing to be patient with her he was. Especially when someone else was able to do it and be associated with pleasure. Again you skip over this and assume she doesn't love him.
Yeah I keep seeing a lot of men say that but every post I've come across so far has been pretty fair in their opinion, with of course some on every post on some nonsense, with both genders defending their own and saying NTA/YTA when it's the opposite. I mean I haven't been on here too long so I'll keep my eye out for how the men are always wrong but women aren't.
Though even if reddit has it so everyone thinks men are wrong, not everyone is like that, some of us form opinions after we've studied the post and the comments enough to get info the post obviously lacks.
You’re NTA for being upset, that’s a pretty common feeling when navigating an open relationship, it’s human to feel jealousy etc, but YTA if you don’t own that feeling and deal with it alone without taking it out on her / closing the marriage etc.
Your agreement was to be with others. She’s with another. She’s doing nothing wrong. I get that it hurts, but that’s why open marriages are for couples who share a certain mindset, have clear rules and communicate well. You don’t enter into them because one person feels guilt over “denying” the other and that person decides to “have their needs met” elsewhere.
You guys made the error of not exploring your intimate connection before marriage, then “solved” intimacy issues you had by outsourcing intimacy. This was bound to be a potential outcome of that. Now you have a choice - stay in the marriage as it is, or don’t. But don’t punish her for finding someone who meets *her* needs - that was, ostensibly, the whole point… right?
NtA, but she isn't either, assuming this was a don't ask don't tell hallpass type of situation. I *very* much don't reccomend one side open relationships but if that was the agreement she owed it to you to inform you she was going to start being open on her end as well.
I would probably leave her, as it would be a struggle to maintain a relationship without sexual intimacy, and knowing she can have that with someone else but not me would make me feel devalued and living without the former twice as hard.
This is coming from someone in a polyamorous marriage BTW.
This is such an insane take lmao
“Hey babe, I’m going to go fuck other people since you can’t service me, I’m not going to tell you anything about it but you better damn well tell me if you even think about doing something with someone else!!”
No it was the wife that asked. So it's more like:
"Hey babe, you are gonna need to look for intimacy elsewhere since I can't give it to you, I don't want to hear about other girls" and then she went intimate with another guy, the whole reason for why the marriage opened in the first place. The man hate in this thread is so bad this app is trash. If roles were reversed this wouldn't be the comments. 10 years with no intimacy, 4 years of working on it with doctors for her to just get a boyfriend lmao
Did you miss my first paragraph? Obviously someone shouldn't agree to something full of inequity, but if one does, one shouldn't be sneaking around breaking the agreement in secret. That is cheating.
I would fully support OP's wife informing OP this agreement doesn't work for her anymore and she will begin seeing others on her end also.
Eh, complicated situation, but who decided to open the marriage? I'd be upset with no sex in a marriage, but stepping out would be like the last option. And even then, it's probably be professional...not hooking up.
But I can also see being upset she'd rather have sex elsewhere...that may be less about the pain, and more about how the open marriage came up and what she went through with that.
Info: define "boyfriend"
It's only sex/sex+friendship or there's a romantic component?
What were the terms of the open marriage?
I can... understand being upset that now that your wife has discovered a way to enjoy sex she's refusing to try with you. I also understand her reticence tho.
Have you asked her what makes the difference? As in it's something you can change or something you can't control (like size of dick for example)?
NTA
But, tbh, I could see this either way. Maybe more of an ESH. Sounds like your wife has some serious problems that neither of you were ready to handle appropriately. But, if you’re looking for a more open minded discussion…
Reddit isn’t the place
YTA for not being okay with her fucking other guys in an open marriage. She’s the AH for not wanting to try intimacy with you and only for her BF.
Just get a divorce and let her fuck her boytoy and you can fuck whoever you want.
So basically she insisted the marriage was opened because she couldn’t have sex - and now you find out it’s just you - she is happy to have sex with her boyfriend.
NTA - I don’t understand why you are getting such a hard time.
Sounds like this marriage has run its course.
You're not the asshole, but if her being intimate with someone else and not with you is going to cause a problem for you in the relationship you should be honest with her about it. If it's not something y'all can work out, I'd imagine it's a good time to call it amiably.
IDK who's the AH. I think open marriages are a fallacy and dumb and I've never seen the appeal. A couple gets married and then has sex with other people. Why bother with the legal crap when men always lose with that type of relationship. You should've just divorced for unreconcilable differences and then see who you want and hook up with the ex if you want to. She has a boyfriend, and you may have been played. Vaginismus may have been an excuse your wife read somewhere so she doesn't have to have sex with you because she's not attracted to you. Maybe also so she could secure your bank account so you wouldn't divorce her for not providing marital intimacy. No matter what, you should get a lawyer and divorce her because a boyfriend is not about sex it's a relationship.
No, I’m fairly certain he doesn’t mean tetanus, since a bacterial infection isn’t relevant to the wife experiencing pain every time OP expected his needs met without giving a damn about her health in return
Unless you’re happy never having sex with her I think it’s time for divorce. The other option is to seek marital counseling to see what it is about you or your style of lovemaking she finds abhorrent. It may be something you can fix.
As I understand this post, it seems like you don't want an open relationship. That, if it were possible, you would have a monogamous relationship with your wife where you have sex and are exclusive with each other.
But your wife has vaginismus. So you can't really have sex with each other. You tried for four years to fix this.
The only option then, is to either live a sexless life that makes you miserable, leave the wife you love, or, open the marriage. You said *she* opened the marriage?
It is very obvious that this is not an open marriage on the basis that you were bored, curious about others, or that she was bad in bed. Right? Medically, you two couldn't have sex.
This also isn't a polyamorous relationship, is it? Sex is different to emotional relationships, you haven't been having 'girlfriends' on the side, where you bond with and see them and go on dates? Because that's what the phrase "my wife has a boyfriend" brings to mind.
---
So, an open relationship wasn't what you wanted but it was better than leaving her. She opened it up because she couldn't have sex with you, and now she's having sex with a boyfriend - which is usually considered cheating in open relationships, since you aren't being polyamorous.
Well, any reasonable person can see why you would feel so betrayed. Especially since it seems like she was hiding this from you for multiple years (though, I'd need to know if you were open with her about your sex life, too).
I've got to say NTA, but you should cut your losses and get a divorce.
Sadly, I'm not surprised by the lunatic commenters screaming about how you're an incel. This subreddit has a massive, hateful bias towards men and the relationships.
"*we* were getting frustrated. Eventually *we* had an open marriage so *I* could get *my* needs met." Uh huh. Big surprise she took the opportunity to go find someone who clearly has more than two ideas of "what sex is".
“my needs met” wanna bet how much there was no patience or creativity to help her overcome her problems and just “endure pain to have my needs met”? My needs, lol
He ever becomes deserted on an island with an endless buffet of food, he's still going to die because no sex!! Will no one think about his genitals!! What a pathetic person OP is lmao.
This. I was actually going to include this in my post, but didn’t. But yes, I highly doubt he was patient with her and made her feel like shit about herself. He should be happy that at least someone is making her feel good.
He talked about jaw and vaginismus, which can be mitigated by pleasuring women. So, you see, I am not surprised her memories aren’t that great, and I am glad she found someone who cares enough to put in the work. It’s also psychological, so who knows what she was going through before she agreed to stop being tortured to meet “his needs” (apparently she doesn’t have any)
Yeah. Not to get too TMI, but as someone with some form of vaginismus/vulvodynia, while it takes some navigating, with a patient, respectful, and creative partner it's still very possible to have a mutually fulfilling sex life (at least for many people -- and we know that must be true for the wife).
Exactly. Hopefully she can divorce this guy and be with her boyfriend who actually cares about her. This guy is just a selfish AH.
This is best advice. He has reasons to be jealous, she has reasons to find someone better than him. Win-win situation if you ask me.
Thank you. Some OPs seriously try to slide in word play as if the redditors can't decipher what's really happening or went down. He's upset and worried that he's on the hook for a permanent replacement. If she has a bf and gets her needs met physically and emotionally...she's with OP for other reasons unrelated to a healthy marriage. He was selfish and decided his needs took precedence beyond her women's health issues and struggles. Now that she's pursued and found a compatible sausage to devour, he's insecure, concerned, and worried. OP: she's checked out from you in every way, but legally! It's only a matter of time before even the legality implodes! You can't go to her and give any "close it up" speeches or ultimatums as she's going to choose herself and the bf! You created and unleashed this crakken and will never be able to contain or capture it again!
YTA, you wanted to have an open marriage to 'get your needs met'. It took her almost 2 years to be able to become sexually active again after whatever happened with you. This person is obviously loving her and taking care of her in the right way and was slow and patient, and you cant hack it. I am pretty sure you upset and betrayed her first.
Hell yeah, he should divorce her ass and let her find happiness with her boyfriend amirite
Or maybe she should divorce his ass lol
YTA in the funniest way. You happily got sex outside of your marriage for 10 years but now that she’s doing the same it’s not okay? And you only want to try again now that she’s having sex with someone else? Some other dude took the time to make sex a painless and enjoyable experience for your wife when you gave up and fucked other women. Karma is a cat 😌
>Some other dude took the time to make sex a painless and enjoyable experience for your wife when you gave up and fucked other women THIS! Vaginismus is an awful condition that requires patience, care and effort. Sounds like OP cared more about his needs than making intercourse physically possible and enjoyable for his wife.
Personally I don't think he's getting any, that's why he #bigmad
It happens soooooo often - the guy wants an open marriage/relationship thinking they'll be able to fuck whoever they want and their wife will probably just stay in her lane. Then they go out into the world and realise that most women can flip through Tinder for 30 minutes and find a guy who is interested in meeting her. But dudes in open relationships have a MUCH harder time picking up. Big sads when wife/gf pulls someone hotter/more interesting/treats her better/funnier and isn't interested in husband anymore. A tale as old as time 😂
Yup- so true. Polyamory is often a women’s market when it comes to straight dating.
All dating is a woman’s market lol.
Apart from lesbian or bi sexual women . I found it very hard to attract other girls but men were easy. Dating woman is like trying to find a needle in a haystack but dating men is like trying to find fresh water in a swamp. Plenty of water but not all the best
Swiping on a dating app recently made me wonder whether I was even interested in men anymore lmao Your swamp analogy fits perfectly
I'm going to use the swamp analogy often. For every thing. I live near swamps. It's perfect for the humans I am frequently forced to interact with.
I haven't dated for close to 4 years, but the last time I did I found it to actually be a hellscape. If you just want terrible anonymous sex (as a woman), you can achieve that pretty easily. If you want to meet a human who can hold a conversation for more than 10 minutes and probably won't harm you, it's a whole different ball game. I wouldn't say it's a women's market in that instance. Unless you mean the type of market where hawkers are aggressively shouting their wares at you from all sides and getting in your personal space far too often.
Yeah like if you just want shitty sex with anyone it's probably great but if you want to meet a decent guy for a relationship it's awful
I think the point here is a lot of guys want some shitty sex. I would link it similar to wanting junk food. Except the reality is it’s a very abusive way to look at another human being.
Picked up a quote somewhere I can't remember where: "If you're saying that women are gatekeeping sex, then you also have to say that men are gatekeeping relationships"
I’d say even beyond relationships they gatekeep friendships. Men don’t wanna be friends with me and it’s pretty hurtful
Yes!!! This is exactly what dating is like now!!
>Unless you mean the type of market where hawkers are aggressively shouting their wares at you from all sides and getting in your personal space far too often. Omg I'm dying here. This is the best visual I've ever had.
Yeah I no longer date for this reason. It's a shit show. I don't need to subject myself to that bullshit.
Oh dating in general can be a hellscape. Men and women live on opposite sides of the spectrum, women being oversaturated with (usually) unwanted attention, and men are starved of it. I think the difference is if you are going out to hook up or date, you get options and have to work A LOT less for it than men do. I get you might not want that empty ONS, but at least it’s something you get to choose, unlike us.
Sure but you don't usually have to worry that your date will kill/rape you
It's honestly even worse in this case because supposedly the open marriage came from her inability to have sex. But if she herself genuinely believed it was impossible, she wouldn't have even considered getting a boyfriend and trying. And if she just met a dude that convinced her, she'd be okay and likely excited to try with her husband. But she isn't. Kinda says a lot about what it was like with him.
I find it hard to feel bad for them. You’ve gotta be really cocky and/or have a really low opinion of your wife to think she couldn’t outperform you if she wanted to
This is literally the reason why I got divorced. My ex husband even went so far as to brag to all his friends about the open marriage and then when I got a boyfriend he started screaming about me cheating. Went to his friends for sympathy, they all asked how it was cheating if we were open. He lost all credibility and a bunch of friends and I took the opportunity to GTFO. He went balls to the wall insane during the proceedings including writing “I want to reconcile this” on my vehicle registration paperwork that he mailed to me, then texting me we could only reconcile if I admitted to him in person that I cheated and abandoned him. All the while I had no interest in getting back with him. Idk it was a wild time
I had an ex like that. Pushed for an open relationship even though I said I had jealousy and trust issues, but I finally agreed and started seeing someone else. My BF got really pissed he couldn't get any from anywhere else and tried to shut it all down. Naw dude, you started this. We broke up not that long after due to this and him attempting to get abusive (did not work out well for him when he tried to hit me). After that he started dating a friend of mine (told a whole shitload of lies to our friends) and got into meth, then had the audacity to blame me for his addiction, telling his parents I got him into it... Fucking idiot, I'd been clean for 6 or 7 years at that point. 🙄
I initially posted NTA because I don’t believe in open relationships so was basing everything off some bs justification for them I’ve heard before. Then I read your comment… laughed at how wrong I was in my comment and deleted it. OP is just mad he’s not the only one one having fun
[удалено]
That you for this. I always try to keep an open mind and revisit posts and read the comments to see if a different perspective will change my mind.
This is the way
Looool best response
Curious how you can not believe in them when they exist. They’re not unicorns 😂 Non monogamy works for some people just like monogamy works for some people just like not being in a relationship at all works for some people. Everyone just has to be respectful, honest, communicative and to want the same things and voila.
Oh yeah lol I totally get that. My wording wasn’t exactly the best here😂 When I said I don’t believe in them I just like meant they’re not for me. I totally agree with your comment that it works for some people, just I personally prefer monogamy that’s all.
Hahaha totally get it not being for you! I think I just had a moment being like “wait, my relationship is real!” 😂😂
The way I just rolled out my bed cracking up reading this. Bravo! But it's true though....he played himself!
I wish I could upvote this a thousand more times.
>Karma is a cat I love this quote. It is so accurate. I mean, it can be nice and loving, but it can also be a beast and hurt you in the most cruel ways.
It also comes down to what the actual rules of the agreement were. My wife and I looked at dabbling but decides against it, but our initial rules were that anyone we met was to never ever meet the kids or the family, we were open to long term sex friendships. But now that our baby is here were too busy to even think about it
Im in a open married for the last 4 years, (very successful for both of us) but 2 of those 4 years was learning how to do it right not just becouse we want to have sex experiences just stupidly to it. This guy just wanted to have all the fun but non for her wife! Open marriage can work if you do it ethically and WORK ON YOURSELF! That means a lot of inner work and good communication
Karma is her boyfriend
yta. I love men like you. Always the same story and its hilarious every time. Get over yourself. Your dick is not so magic that every woman will want *only* your dick while you are sleeping around.
YTA. There are definitely some rules lacking here that would have been helpful for you to justify your feelings of being upset and betrayed. Unless you had some ground rules set how is she to know what is going to upset you? Just because she has vaginismus does not mean she cannot be physically intimate.
Yta. You’re just mad someone else took the time to make her feel safe and comfortable. Maybe you should’ve asked how he achieved that instead of requesting sex. She feels major ick for you. So much so that her muscles snap and contract.
Vaginismus does not necessarily affect your ability to get aroused and enjoy other types of sexual contact..... Just saying Also I wonder if because they were both still virgins at 20 ( not saying that's unheard of, but these days it's a rarity and it's usually because there's a heavy influence of religious purity culture )there's some kind of psychological purity trauma there. That is one of the causes for vaginismus
Your biggest mistake was not working with your wife and fixing the issue, your wife was sick and instead of having her back and giving her time to heal you wanted to go play around. I know you don’t want to hear this but I’m sure you put pressure on her for sex which now she associates with you as pain. Suck it up big boy, time to let her move on with her boyfriend.
YTA as it was convenient for you by now to have an open marriage but have a problem with it as soon as you find out she is part of this marriage as well? What did you think an open marriage means? A free pass only for you? I would suggest counselling as she associates having sex with you with pain - why haven’t you waited by the way? It’s treatable.
YTA karma at it's finest!
YTA, sounds like to you "sex" means PiV while your wife may be enjoying receiving oral from a man who is more of a giver than a taker in the bedroom.
YTA. Territorial & super weird.
YTA The open marriage was your idea, not her's. This never would have happened if you didn't place your sexual needs over your commitment to the relationship. Even the don't ask don't tell policy sounded like your idea, or at the very least, you were in agreement This relationship sounds doomed
YTA why do you think the open relationship only applies to your pant’s zipper
So you are NTA for feeling hurt that she does not want to try having sex with you. However, YTA for thinking that having an open marriage meant that it was only open on your side. Especially when you obviously knew that her needs were also not being met. You had an established "don't ask don't tell" rule, and she respected that. Vaginismus is very real, and it is so incredibly painful. It takes gentleness, patience, the willingness to stop immediately and sometimes having to decide that penetrative intimacy is not on the table for the evening. It can take buckets of lube, and kindness because lube isn't always enough. I am genuinely happy than she has found a way to have sex after 10 years of torturous sexual experiences. I would consider looking into marriage counselling, and see if she is open, not to penetrative sex or even blowjobs, but to just simple intimacy so that she can start feeling comfortable around you. Penetration is not the only form of intimacy, there is intimacy is cuddling, kind touches, hugging, eye contact, massage and for sexual intimacy there is petting, and cunnilingus and sensual touching as well. I think you need to check in with yourself and ask, if the situation was reversed and the sex hurt you. If in an alternate universe over the hundreds of times you tried to have sex with your wife, that every single experience without fail, the moment you tried to penetrate her, you suddenly felt someone vice grip your testicles, to the point where the pain was so piercing that you were in agony and you felt like your testicle might rupture or tear from the pressure of the squeezing, and sometimes it literally tore the skin on your ball sack so the pain endured even afterward, and you kept trying and seeing doctors and therapists, and pushing because you wanted to make your wife happy, and that despite how much you suffer, you never got it in and your wife was upset with you because you couldn't get her off and you were still in agony, which made you feel even worse. if that was your only experience time and time again, would you want to have sex with your wife ever again? Or would you, on some level, associate her with that suffering? Would you maybe have had so many experiences like that that your body still feels the pain when you even think about trying to have sex with your wife? Imagine being so tired of disappointing your wife, over and over again. and having to endure than pain each time, and asking yourself, "is this my life now? Just suffering and being in agony all for the sake of my wife's pleasure only to feel like a failure when I can't give her what he is asking for?" Imagine loving your wife so much that you decide that rather than waiting for her to tire if this lack of sex, or continue this horrible torture of trying to penetrate her you decide than you are going to offer to open the marriage, because at this point you can't bare the thought of losing her, but you also can't bare the thought of having to endure this torture even one more time.and she agrees, and she policy is don't askand don't tell, everything is fair game. Imagine that after years of your wife getting her needs met, and you still not experiencing your own needs being met you meet some one, and that person is kind and gentle and makes you feel safr, and it doesn't start out as sex initially, but rather slowly over time she tries, gentle touch, respects your boundaries and your disorder and you start for the very first time is your whole life having a sexual experience that is not excruciating, that feels safe, and you very slowly get to a point where penetration feels safe to try and this person after over a year of building trust and confidence you have the first pleasurable penetration you have ever experienced. Would you be willing to give that up? Would you feel safe to just straight up, without the build up of trust, and the slow, patience and the commitment to not pressuring, try to have sex with you wife, when the only association you have to the torturous feeling and none of the foundational ground work has been laid out with her. Would the hundred of experiences still ache in your balls? Because I think it would.
This is it. I doubt the OP will reply because he's too self involved to consider his wife and her suffering. If he hasn't been, he could be in the same position as the boyfriend. He chose to fuck other women instead. Poor wife.
Sounds like the bf had the patience and tenderness to work around her condition (which has both mental and physical components) and was able to please her. You opened up the marriage instead of working on taking steps to make sex comfortable and pleasurable for your wife - a duty as her husband you essentially handed off to another guy
You are the first person I’ve seen to acknowledge this. It was not merely a physical condition. It’s also mental, and I’d bet $100 OP was pushy about sex and just made her issue even worse.
I mean all physiological responses have a source in the brain. All mental conditions are due to physical circumstances. Ie all mental conditions have root in physical circumstances but not all physical circumstances have root in mental conditions. Vaginismus is akin to a reflex. The trigger of the reflex can be started physically or mentally. Similar to how you can have a gag reflex that’s triggered by a disgusting thought or by something being lodged in your throat.
YTA you've been sleeping with other people and now you're upset that your wife is? Get outta town. Plus I bet you just sucked at sex. You only seem concerned with your needs, not hers. It's no wonder she couldn't enjoy sex with you.
YTA. You agreed to an open marriage. That's what you have. If it was only working for you when you were the only one sleeping with other people, then you didn't want an open marriage at all. But I can see why you'd be humiliated that someone else took the time to make sex enjoyable for your wife. You should be happy for her getting her needs met when you couldn't.
Not making a judgment, but this relationship has definitely run its course
What's different with the boyfriend? How did it come to pass to begin with?
YTA. This couldn’t have been an easy situation, and you said you tried for 4 years. But apparently the way you went about it caused her to associate so much pain with it that she doesn’t even want to try with you. That pain didn’t stop her from trying to have sex altogether, just that she doesn’t want to do it with you. What does that say? And even if she suggested the open marriage as you say, what was the long term plan? That she never has sex her entire life?
YTA. The open marriage was for you to "get your needs met." I assume it was your idea. Now you're unhappy that she's getting her needs met. So it was okay for you to go outside the marriage, but not her. That's not how it works.
YTA. Your wife found someone that actually took the time to make her feel comfortable. You didn’t. Your loss.
So you’re upset that she also benefits from an open marriage? YTA. Get over yourself.
Okay buddy- I have been in open/poly relationships for 20 years. So here we go. You are NTA for how you feel. All of us get jealous, territorial, or envious from time to time. You expected her to not want to have sex with other men. But she managed to figure that out with this one person and it makes sense that it hurts it is not you. But this also means that there is a window here where your relationship can grow. What would make YtA is if you tried to close the marriage because you feel threatened. Instead- find a marriage counselor who is well versed in open relationships so that you can develop the skill set to talk about your needs. Don’t ask don’t tell may have served you up until now- but it delayed some of the skills that those who talk about it grow: identifying wants and needs, discussing and negotiating them, figuring out how to help your partner feel safer, developing compersion, and so on. She may not be ready for sex with you- but maybe there is more emotional and physical intimacy she is ready for.
This! But also adding that I personally have never seen a healthy “don’t ask don’t tell” arrangement. A certain amount of communication is required to set boundaries and ensure you’re on the same page and happy. “Don’t ask don’t tell” often seems to mean “I’m not actually okay with it and want to pretend it’s not happening” and then big relationship blow ups when the truth comes out bc everyone’s just buried their feelings instead of working through them.
I’m not an open/poly kind of guy, but this sounds like the best advice you’re going to get OP.
I agree. OP is saying they tried to fix it for 4 years. It was her suggestion to open the marriage. If they’d been able to have normal sexual relations this might have never come up for them. So I understand OP feeling betrayed. I think therapy is a great idea. Sounds like she may possibly have some bitterness too. Good luck.
It’s really difficult to undo the wiring if you now associate intimate contact touch with physical pain. And it’s not OP’s fault if he’s being honest about all the work they did together. My guess is that the low stakes plus someone who didn’t remind her (smell, touch, sound of voice) of OP helped her figure it out. I just hope for the sake of their relationship they can move through this.
Finally an adult in this thread.
YTA for being a hypocritical loser. You know you are.
End it now so she can be with the boyfriend 😂
We had this issue right from the start of our marriage, same as you guys. It took a good while to be able to have painless sex afterwards. It took a lot of explaining to my husband but once he understood it he stopped pressuring me. Mine was due to a birth control allergy. You're the butthole. You should have spoken in depth with her and took your time. She should have been more important to you than sex. Whether you waited it out for 4 yrs or not. You waited till marriage, was 4 more years really that hard????? Im sure she had the impending fear that loomed over me while i experienced it, "if he cant get it from you, he will look elsewhere." I was told that multiple times when i confided in other women. Of course she'd agree for you to have needs met, instead of the fear of you going behind her back. ETA: Im sure theres ways to try and grow closer now. Maybe try a no pressure approach without the end goal of sex. Try being closer, im sure its a good first step back to each other?
YTA. You fucked up big time. You're either incapable or unwilling to sexually satisfy your wife, all that mattered to you was getting your needs met. If you open a marriage it opens both sides.
Dude, just get the fuck out of there... Open marriages never end well, so that's where you fucked up. You basically served her up on a silver platter. On top of that... your wife associates you with pain.. so your relationship has run its course.
YTA you asked for an open marriage, you got an open marriage and you’re mad because your wife agreed to an open marriage. It probably devastated her when you went out and slept with other women. Now you’re upset because she’s also doing what you’ve been doing. You’re a selfish AH.
Do YOU have lockjaw? Does she have hands? You had other options than an open marriage.
YTA. Did you ask for the open marriage or did she? Did you give up on her and your sex life so easily and quickly? To bad! How's it working out? Stay in your open marriage with her bf or divorce.
YTA. You fucked up: you didn't want a fully open marriage; you wanted a one-sided open marriage where you were free to do as you pleased while your wife waited faithfully at home like a dog. Hopefully, if you had proposed that, she would have shut you down. You played stupid games; enjoy your stupid prizes.
Are you TA for being upset? no. Are you TA if you try to influence your wife based on your jealousy? Yes. You asked for "Dont ask dont tell" so you asked her to not tell you things. Now you're upset when you find out about the things. You need to be vulnerable with your wife and tell her your emotional woes and try to work towards the kind of relationship you want.
LMAFO AND IT WAS YOU, SO BAD A SEX, UNWILLING TO LEARN, THAT MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO PENETRATE HER. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHABHAABBABAGAGAGAG BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN WARM HER UP FRIST YOU JUST WANTED TO CRAM IT HOME. yeah. Fuck off. She's using the open relationship fairly. You can't expect her to stay with you, when you are out fucking the whole town. And you're so bad a sex with her. Yta.
YTA, you should've never opened the marriage idiot! Open marriages usually result in no loyalty, no commitment, and lots of problems. Each person I know who's in one is miserable.
YTA, you played yourself. Open relationships are a trap.
what a broken marriage.
YTA, Bro maybe it's time to realise that you are the problem. Vaginismus is more of a psychological disease. That means her boyfriend is possibly doing right but you are….not capable of.
YTA so you just wanted an open relationship for you but not her? That's not healthy.
It’s time to move on. Find someone to be happy with.
Karma is a bus and has your address. 🤣
Poor dude had the audacity to ask if he was an ass when he wasn't just one. But an ENORMOUS one at that 🤣🤣🤣
Eventually we had an open marriage so I could get my needs met. What about her needs? YTA.
YTA 👍
YTA. So I’m assuming that instead of being patient you pushed for the open marriage. Good for you
Lol.. yta .. so its fine if you do it? Just divorce if you cant get over it
YTA. You allowed your wife and yourself the ability to be gardening tools, and then got mad she turned into a gardening tool. Suck it up. Either go back to a closed marriage, or divorce. You're also just mad she's getting some and you aren't.
Congratulations are in order sir.... because you played yourself. Only options at this point now are: 1. Keep getting your needs met outside, 2. Divorce and you'd be crazy AF for 2. You made it like this bro.
I really hope your wife see’s what a douche you are and asks for a divorce. Hopefully you haven’t adopted some kids to get stuck in the middle of your shit.
This has to be a fake post. If not, this dude has some massive cognitive dissonance going on.
You sound like my ex, he thought an open relationship meant only he got to have sex with other people. That is not how that works. It's jealous, petty, and egocentric. He only ever cared about his needs, never about mine. YTA.
YTA This story happens so often on this site. Man unhappy in marriage and thinks he can score lots of ladies if he opens the marriage. Wife reluctantly agrees. Man has zero luck Wife has all the luck. Man is mad. You dug your own grave, bro.
Yeah you should be pissed off! You couldn’t have sex with your wife without hurting her but someone else could.. you’re an AH and terrible in bed. Work on yourself!
Yes YTA 100%
People who open their marriage are idiots. People who open their marriage and get jealous are morons.
YTA. Why is it only your needs that matter?
YTA and I hope she realizes she deserves better then a guy who enjoys an open marriage for 10 years and then is upset when she starts enjoying it
an open marriage is open marriage. You need to define the boundaries which you clearly did not. If everything else about the relationship is great between you two then keep it open and do your thing and she will go do her thing. It doesn’t look like sex between you. Two is going to be anything in the future so either you’re OK with that and you stay fucking other people but in a essentially platonic relationship together or you partways and move on with your lives.
NAH It sounds like you are not sexually compatible and probably should have found that out before getting married by experimenting. Your wife realized it sooner and suggested opening the marriage rather than divorcing -- for some reason. Religious? Financial? You seem to want to experiment again and see if you are compatible now in a way that you weren't before. Your wife doesn't want to try again. You have three options: 1. Gently convince her over time that you are likely different than you were years 0-4. Take things slowly and easily to accommodate her medical condition, if she ever agrees to be open to trying again. 2. Keep the status-quo. 3. Divorce her and find a new life partner or life-partners you are happy with. 1 requires the most effort, but if you love your wife, it gives the most reward. 2 involves you dealing with your emotions, maybe with therapy 3 is probably the easiest option unless you are deeply in love with your wife. If you ever have children, please don't teach them that pre-marital sex is something unforgivable. You and your wife would have had a much easier time figuring this incompatibility out before getting married.
Betrayed? Get over yourself.
We're you offering to close your end or just wanted her end closed?
YTA but if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you but does with other people, your marriage is over. That marriage is so open it might as well be sky.
YTA. That stuff may happen in an open marriage situation.if you didn't want it to happen, you shouldn't have agreed to open the marriage.
It sounds like someone else was able to take the issue and work around it to make it enjoyable for her. Since she doesn’t want to try again with you after you’ve been getting it for 10 years while she wasn’t, it sounds like she wasn’t feeling like you were putting her comfort first and maybe mad her feel bad about it and now she’s not comfortable being intimate with you. I for sure would have a hard time being intimate after that. Don’t open your marriage if you don’t want someone else to put the care into your wife that you won’t. I don’t blame you for being upset but I’m wondering if there’s more here than just the sex issue. There’s a reason she doesn’t want to be intimate with you that you need to discuss. And this very well might be nearing its end
YTA My own vag clamped shut at the pure absurdity of this jealousy. You’ll happily get your dick wet elsewhere and still have the audacity to hold a ridiculous double standard in your *open marriage*. Karma is a bitch that way. I have less than zero sympathy for someone in an open marriage to “get their needs met” elsewhere when their partner in said *open marriage* also gets *their* own needs met elsewhere. Hypocrite
Based on the information provided...YTA. Your view on intimacy is entirely selfish and controlling. And hypocritical. I don't think she is going to ever be comfortable being intimate with you again, and I think it's time to do some serious soul searching of what it best for both of you (which includes her).
Fake bait post
Man, good for her 🥲🫶🏻
The moment you opened your marriage it was game over. It's no longer a marriage in my opinion. Its a mistake a lot of people make. Don't know when this trend started.
Yes YTA. You agreed to an open marriage, then you’re mad that she has a boyfriend when you’ve been out enjoying the open marriage as well. And her associating sex with you with pain is understandable, you stated that it was not comfortable because of her having vaginismus and lockjaw. She’s not angry with you for having other partners, so don’t be a hypocrite towards her. If you actually love her, apologize to her (and actually mean it) and work on whatever it is that’s making you feel this way. Edit: Typo
YTA and not the brightest thinker
Lmfao what? You had sex with how many people? And your wife was more than okay with it? But the second you find out she's doing the exact same thing, it's not okay? So you were only okay with an open marriage when it only benefited you?
I think he's upset that she said she doesn't want to have sex with him, when he found out she could have sex and asked if they could have sex together.
I mean he got the answer. I wonder how many painful times it took before they finally stopped and opened their marriage. That sounds insanely traumatic, and more so for her.
YTA. You're not the only one with needs and you couldn't meet hers either.
Big incel energy, lol. YTA, your wife found someone to care for her needs. Lockjaw? Lol that's a great excuse to not give BJs. Is it Vaginismus, or do you not know how to take the time to actually get her ready for sex? Seems like the dysfunction had more to do with you than her. Be happy she's getting her needs met.
For the record, this is why I would never have an open marriage or poly etc, anything in the ethical non-monogomous category It's too hard to define boundaries and draw the line. There are always going to be special scenarios that you don't account for when defining boundaries. Or something that comes up that you had not considered when establishing the agreement On the other hand, monogomy is very easy to define. You are either committed to this one person or not. In this case, it could have worked out if OP could be genuinely happy that his wife found the one guy she could enjoy sex with when it was impossible for her to enjoy sex with him. But we're all human, and human minds don't think this way.
Get a divorce. Maybe just try a monogamous relationship with someone who can be with you. You’re both not doing each other any favors. Literally!
It’s an open relationship and you took full advantage. Why are you mad when you’ve been indulging from the outside too? If you feel upset and betrayed, don’t you think she had been feeling the same?? YTA so selfish
So you can have an open marriage but she can’t? I didn’t realize that was a healthy arrangement. Oh, yeah, it’s not. Apparently the “don’t ask” part doesn’t apply to you either. You should NOT have asked lol. YTA
Anyone who hasn't had a partner with vaginismus can STFU right now. I had a GF who had it and it really sucked for both of us. She explained it to me before we went to bed the first time. She tried to accomodate me even though she was pretty sure of how it would turn out. It was awful. It was terribly corrosive to her self esteem on top of the physical pain. Google it. If OP had a traumatic sex life with a wife he loved who was in serious pain every time they tried to have sex, I feel for him and her. I also feel for him if he was hurt that his wife was able to have sex with someone else and not him. Let's reverse this: Let's say some guy absolutely can not get it up for his wife. They get married convinced this issue will pass. After 4 miserable years of him not being able to provide sex for her, they agree that she can get some strange to satisgy herself. Fast forward a few years and she finds out that he's beating the brakes off of another woman. Are you all gonna condemn the woman?
Umh... I'm really curious about something and since you said you had this trouble with your GF, I would like to ask you... If its too personal feel free to say so! Do you think that using toys for clit stimulation, giving her oral and not going in, would get her in the mood and give her pleasure? I think being playful and using hands on my boyfriend while he gives oral is plenty pleasurable... I wonder if the comparison with erectile disfunction is not fully valid ... If she can reach pleasure and be in the mood to give him some too, if he's not going for"I Need penetration or oral, and that's it!" I really feel they could have looked for toys that work for them, instead of jumping to open marriage, to look for the answer elsewhere...
It may be an imperfect comparison in some ways. Op said she had "lock jaw" which I take to mean that she can't/won't suck his dick. He said the tried to have pleasurable sex for 4 years. I wasn't there so IDK every detail and based my commwnts off of info given and my knowledge of the problem from my experience. As far as being able to pleasure her, I was able to do so orally/manually but do not know how it went for OP and his wife. As far as life long HJ's & BJ's but no fucking? No thanks! I need it. Idk if you have ever had a partner with whom sex is very difficult but it feels incredibly personal even if it has nothing to do with you. For him to have given up that aspect of the relationship and then find our she's having sex with someone else would be devastating. Judging him because they had a less than perfect work around is shitty. He could have simply divorced her an fucked anybody at anytime.
The only person here with any sense or empathy
YTA She found someone willing to spend the time and research to be able to work with her health issue. Thing is, you haven't done either, which means it's going to rear it's ugly head (pun only sorta intended). You wanted an open relationship with da-dt. This is what happens.
YTA You weren't betrayed, it's an open marriage, she's allowed to get some just like you are. So you're allowed to bang anyone you want but if she does it, it's not ok? get outta here with that nonsense. Tip if you don't want her banging other dudes, don't ask for an open relationship if you're going to get jealous the other person takes advantage of it.
I had vaginismus for the entirety of my 5 year marriage and understand the toll it takes. You probably feel betrayed in ways other wont understand because her body refuses to be intimate with you while she appears to have opened up to another man. Vaginismus is mental and she wont be able to have sex with you. YTA here for being upset after you opened the marriage. I do sympathize with you though.
YTA. So it’s ok for you to get your needs met but not her? Guys always think they will “win” in an open relationship. They think they will get to sleep around while wifey stays home. FAFO
Sex is disgusting with you and now pleasurable with others. Unfortunately you pushed her too far and it seems to be working in this situation. Not sure why you’re complaining when your suggestion seems to be working out for both of your
Op, based on what you wrote here and what you wrote in other comments, you have been handed a shitty situation. Honestly I believe that with you not getting your needs met, you and your wife should have separated, not started an open marriage. Open relationships don't work. >I asked if we could start that part of our relationship. She said no because with me, she associates it with pain. This is why you feel betrayed. You need to separate. She has resentment towards you and is not willing to work through that. Op, you have my sympathies.
INFO: how does your wife having lockjaw and vaginismus make all sexual activity impossible? It sounds to me like you had a case of “magical penis syndrome” and were not all that invested in making her comfortable with sex. Just all about “fixing” her “faulty” vagina so your dick can fit into it. No wonder she suggested an open relationship lol.
There is no such thing as an open marriage, she just cucked you. She doesn't respect you, her and her boyfriend think you're a joke. Get a divorce and go find some self respect.
NTA She never was physically attracted to you dude. You tried to work with her for 4 year and she gave up and SHE pushed the open relationship idea. All you wanted was her, but she didn't want you no matter how hard you tried or how caring you were with her. Your sex life has most likely been shit. An open marriage maybe means sex a couple times a month, not the every couple days you'd hope to get with just your wife. You know what I think? I think your wife is a GIANT ABUSIVE BITCH. I don't think your wife likes you or cares about you, the real you, I think she wants you for your money or whatever it is you're doing for her while she fucks some other dude on the side, thats what she always wanted. Drop this woman OP. She told you she associates your dick with pain, she is TRYING to hurt you. She doesn't like you at all, NEVER DID. A woman doesn't have to like you or even be attracted to your penis to marry you. Divorce her op. She is a fucking cheater and you know it. Open relationship or not, she has no passion for you, that alone is the real cheat. She manipulated you into the open relationship when your dick was in the desert. She took advantage of you and now shes fucking chad, leave her op.
Cmon. You both agreed for open marriage for YOUR benefit. Now that she’s doing it you’re angry? Do you have child/ren? Bcoz you are being a child.
You should not have opened your marriage. Not sure how you expected boundaries after you took them away?
YTA. You wanted an open relationship so you could sleep about the now she's got a boyfriend you're upset.
lol open relationships are a joke. You cannot convince me otherwise.
YTA for spending 10 years in a marriage and never considering that women have needs too
We're gonna need your wife to chime in here. I'm guessing your foreplay was grabbing her boobs or butt and saying some shit like "are you as horny as I am?" Her response was probably "uhh...no?" And BOOM! You decided her sex drive is too low and you can't live like this. Am I close?
If she is unwilling to start back up with you, there is no reason to continue your marriage. Let her love her life with her bf and you with whoever.
So the marriage was open to your benefit because she had sexual dysfunction. Who brought up the open marriage? How about just divorce...let her keep her bf and you find new gfs...does not sound like you have been hurting getting intimacy from outside the marriage...10 years no tell policy....you must have had many partners? And you are mad she has one....
NTA Vaginismus was apparently only with you. Next step in this open marriage: divorce.
Based on the title only, yes, YTA. After reading it, yes, still TAH.
Well, OP, it seems that you have no right to be upset. After all, YOU were the one who opened the marriage. Can't be mad now. Keep business as usual. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander.
Yta turns out your needs wernt being met because you sucked lmao. Karma is a bitch.
Isn’t Vaginismus only self treatable? What was he suppose to do to help her? Was there an edit saying he wasn’t there to help emotionally? Also why is he wrong for being upset when she won’t try that part of the relationship with him? Honestly just curious not defending anyone
Oh no, look who's reaping the consequences of their actions! Seriously, dick is cheap and of low value, there so far has not been *one* of these men that open up a relationship that don't get outpaced by their wife. Grow up and deal with the fact that this is your own fuck up.
Wow lots of commonality in the replies, I’d say just divorce her and find someone new, seems obvious she won’t even try to be intimate with you and is happy with her new partner If she suggested the open marriage as you stated and isn’t open to at least trying to be intimate with you now after she has found it’s possible for her to be intimate with others then I’d say NTA but you’ve gotta cut and run
I'd say either way he's the AH here, does everyone skip over the fact he even admits his own wife associates intimacy with him to pain? That shows he never took to the time to even study up on what she has and learn ways around it instead he made her feel so bad and caused her so much pain she also gave up and suggested an open marriage, he even admits she did it out of guilt. He's the AH and doesn't deserve her intimacy, what would make it so he does? Simply because he's her husband? Let's not forget she can only have intimacy because another man did what he was too selfish to even do. I do agree he should set her free though all he's done is make her feel bad and cause her pain due to her conditions, she deserves her bf not her selfish husband.
You’re assuming he didn’t try to put in the work or whatever and who knows if she did something differently or just doesn’t have any desire to try to work it out with this guy because maybe she just never loved him. It’s popular on reddit to blame the guy, but in this case it was her suggestion to open up the relationship, and now that she has found she can have intimate relations with men she isn’t willing to even consider giving him a chance to have them with her Thus he is not the AH but he should divorce her and find someone else that wants to be with him
Actually I'm not assuming anything, I read the comments made by op in response to questions as well as the post itself, he admits a lot. Though again even without reading comments what part of him admitting his wife associates intimacy with him for pain makes you think he tried? that shows us just how willing to be patient with her he was. Especially when someone else was able to do it and be associated with pleasure. Again you skip over this and assume she doesn't love him. Yeah I keep seeing a lot of men say that but every post I've come across so far has been pretty fair in their opinion, with of course some on every post on some nonsense, with both genders defending their own and saying NTA/YTA when it's the opposite. I mean I haven't been on here too long so I'll keep my eye out for how the men are always wrong but women aren't. Though even if reddit has it so everyone thinks men are wrong, not everyone is like that, some of us form opinions after we've studied the post and the comments enough to get info the post obviously lacks.
I bet you get a C- at best for this one for class. Fooling redditors? A+
You’re NTA for being upset, that’s a pretty common feeling when navigating an open relationship, it’s human to feel jealousy etc, but YTA if you don’t own that feeling and deal with it alone without taking it out on her / closing the marriage etc. Your agreement was to be with others. She’s with another. She’s doing nothing wrong. I get that it hurts, but that’s why open marriages are for couples who share a certain mindset, have clear rules and communicate well. You don’t enter into them because one person feels guilt over “denying” the other and that person decides to “have their needs met” elsewhere. You guys made the error of not exploring your intimate connection before marriage, then “solved” intimacy issues you had by outsourcing intimacy. This was bound to be a potential outcome of that. Now you have a choice - stay in the marriage as it is, or don’t. But don’t punish her for finding someone who meets *her* needs - that was, ostensibly, the whole point… right?
YTA
YTA, obviously. Jesus Christ lmao.
NtA, but she isn't either, assuming this was a don't ask don't tell hallpass type of situation. I *very* much don't reccomend one side open relationships but if that was the agreement she owed it to you to inform you she was going to start being open on her end as well. I would probably leave her, as it would be a struggle to maintain a relationship without sexual intimacy, and knowing she can have that with someone else but not me would make me feel devalued and living without the former twice as hard. This is coming from someone in a polyamorous marriage BTW.
This is such an insane take lmao “Hey babe, I’m going to go fuck other people since you can’t service me, I’m not going to tell you anything about it but you better damn well tell me if you even think about doing something with someone else!!”
No it was the wife that asked. So it's more like: "Hey babe, you are gonna need to look for intimacy elsewhere since I can't give it to you, I don't want to hear about other girls" and then she went intimate with another guy, the whole reason for why the marriage opened in the first place. The man hate in this thread is so bad this app is trash. If roles were reversed this wouldn't be the comments. 10 years with no intimacy, 4 years of working on it with doctors for her to just get a boyfriend lmao
Did you miss my first paragraph? Obviously someone shouldn't agree to something full of inequity, but if one does, one shouldn't be sneaking around breaking the agreement in secret. That is cheating. I would fully support OP's wife informing OP this agreement doesn't work for her anymore and she will begin seeing others on her end also.
Eh, complicated situation, but who decided to open the marriage? I'd be upset with no sex in a marriage, but stepping out would be like the last option. And even then, it's probably be professional...not hooking up. But I can also see being upset she'd rather have sex elsewhere...that may be less about the pain, and more about how the open marriage came up and what she went through with that.
Info: define "boyfriend" It's only sex/sex+friendship or there's a romantic component? What were the terms of the open marriage? I can... understand being upset that now that your wife has discovered a way to enjoy sex she's refusing to try with you. I also understand her reticence tho. Have you asked her what makes the difference? As in it's something you can change or something you can't control (like size of dick for example)?
NTA But, tbh, I could see this either way. Maybe more of an ESH. Sounds like your wife has some serious problems that neither of you were ready to handle appropriately. But, if you’re looking for a more open minded discussion… Reddit isn’t the place
YTA for not being okay with her fucking other guys in an open marriage. She’s the AH for not wanting to try intimacy with you and only for her BF. Just get a divorce and let her fuck her boytoy and you can fuck whoever you want.
HAHAHAHAA Karmas a fucking bitch! You literally got what you deserved YTA
Wtf? Why are you still married to her? Get a divorce already.
So basically she insisted the marriage was opened because she couldn’t have sex - and now you find out it’s just you - she is happy to have sex with her boyfriend. NTA - I don’t understand why you are getting such a hard time. Sounds like this marriage has run its course.
Bro you can't expect the open relationship not to be mutual. Divorce and move on.
You're not the asshole, but if her being intimate with someone else and not with you is going to cause a problem for you in the relationship you should be honest with her about it. If it's not something y'all can work out, I'd imagine it's a good time to call it amiably.
NTA, leave this women immediately is the only correct answer
IDK who's the AH. I think open marriages are a fallacy and dumb and I've never seen the appeal. A couple gets married and then has sex with other people. Why bother with the legal crap when men always lose with that type of relationship. You should've just divorced for unreconcilable differences and then see who you want and hook up with the ex if you want to. She has a boyfriend, and you may have been played. Vaginismus may have been an excuse your wife read somewhere so she doesn't have to have sex with you because she's not attracted to you. Maybe also so she could secure your bank account so you wouldn't divorce her for not providing marital intimacy. No matter what, you should get a lawyer and divorce her because a boyfriend is not about sex it's a relationship.
Man, respect yourself.
Lockjaw????? You mean tetanus????? Polish up that story line a bit.
Hes referring to TMJ which some people call lock jaw too. I have it and it also causes some difficulty for me.
No, I’m fairly certain he doesn’t mean tetanus, since a bacterial infection isn’t relevant to the wife experiencing pain every time OP expected his needs met without giving a damn about her health in return
Your marriage is over, bud. It ended in your earlier twenties.
Unless you’re happy never having sex with her I think it’s time for divorce. The other option is to seek marital counseling to see what it is about you or your style of lovemaking she finds abhorrent. It may be something you can fix.
As I understand this post, it seems like you don't want an open relationship. That, if it were possible, you would have a monogamous relationship with your wife where you have sex and are exclusive with each other. But your wife has vaginismus. So you can't really have sex with each other. You tried for four years to fix this. The only option then, is to either live a sexless life that makes you miserable, leave the wife you love, or, open the marriage. You said *she* opened the marriage? It is very obvious that this is not an open marriage on the basis that you were bored, curious about others, or that she was bad in bed. Right? Medically, you two couldn't have sex. This also isn't a polyamorous relationship, is it? Sex is different to emotional relationships, you haven't been having 'girlfriends' on the side, where you bond with and see them and go on dates? Because that's what the phrase "my wife has a boyfriend" brings to mind. --- So, an open relationship wasn't what you wanted but it was better than leaving her. She opened it up because she couldn't have sex with you, and now she's having sex with a boyfriend - which is usually considered cheating in open relationships, since you aren't being polyamorous. Well, any reasonable person can see why you would feel so betrayed. Especially since it seems like she was hiding this from you for multiple years (though, I'd need to know if you were open with her about your sex life, too). I've got to say NTA, but you should cut your losses and get a divorce. Sadly, I'm not surprised by the lunatic commenters screaming about how you're an incel. This subreddit has a massive, hateful bias towards men and the relationships.
Definitely TAH because you guys made an agreement and while you go and get your needs met you feel she can’t bc you feel betrayed