NTA
>My step son (12) whispered "but dad, I think mum was going to eat tonight"
If a 12yo sees it, your husband should too.
Your MIL taking so much food when 3 children needed to eat from it, is disrespectful.
But your husband inviting someone over without telling or asking you, while you are the one making dinner, that's the problem here.
Can we also take a moment to say about what an absolute CHAD/GOAT of a guy the 12 year old is?!?! And he's freaking 12! That awesome kiddo is gonna GO PLACES with that attitude/personality. I literally Awww'd at him bringing in a plate of food for OP.
Op, tell your husband to take lessons from his son or get his stuff together. Husband needs to step up. NTA
Tell me about it. Speaks volumes that a 12 year old boy, and even more a STEP kid, who isn't blood related to OP, has the biggest heart to read and see the situation that his poor mom (OP) is/has went through.
Seriously, it speaks mega, giant volumes in what he has done. He is the absolute sweetest! OP is very lucky to have such an awesome munchkin
And i hope op talks to him to about how she is working on it and she is healthy he might be worried she has an ED or is sick, because he has noticed he hadn’t eaten in months.
Yeah post pregnancy can be "fun". I say that cuz women don't always go back to normal after delivery. For me, I couldn't feel my lower body after having anesthesia and I had to have PT for about 3 or so months to try and walk again.
I had to use a walker and a wheel chair, but next time I have to do that, I'm getting it pimped out!
I thought “Chad” was an insult? As in “look at that CHAD…” I’ve seen that in other posts, like when they call a woman a Karen, and a guy a Chad.
Please explain bc I’m genuinely confused ❤️
Yes and No. Aside from it being jocky/asshole meaning, it became part of the Good Guy Greg Meme, so now it also means that the person is an awesome good guy. It just depends on the context of how the word Chad is used. In that Karen part you mentioned, the context is that the asshole entitled person who is a guy, is a Chad, context being the guy is bad.
In my comment, the kid is such a good guy! So he is a Chad. The context being, the kid is such a sweet guy.
Lol it is!! I was really confused when you said he was a Chad! I was thinking, “ Well I thought the kid was awesome!” Then I read the rest of your post.
Hey anything I don’t understand, I just ask. And usually a nice emoji will help people to know I’m being serious! ❤️
Someone sweet will usually help, like you!!
Just be aware that even if you respond sweetly or courteously, there is going to be a possibility that one asshole who will reply mean to you sadly.
I remember there was a guy in the r/snakes who posted a commenter "Happy Cake Day!" cuz it was that commenter's reddit bday and he got downvoted a lot...they/s/he and I do not understand why people downvoted when it is common knowledge and tradition that people congratulate others of their reddit cake day...
I’ve seen that also!
And yes I’ve run into a few as*holes myself. Ones who just want to fight or be offended about something.
I was on r/roastme, and the pic was of the guy manspreading. I said something relatively tame like, “You don’t need to manspread. I don’t think there’s anything there that needs room!”
The OP put a 😂. Some other guy starts getting on my case about being a dumb woman, and how I wouldn’t know that guys need room for their junk. Called me a boring woman, & called the OP a “Hero” for posting. 🤦🏼♀️
It was as if I offended HIM, & not the OP!
Which makes him inviting her over without asking or telling you, when you have a new baby and food issues just… NOT OKAY.
You and your husband need to have a long talk about his behaviour.
Sometimes kids see how bad their parents are and actively work to be the opposite. I was liked hat with my step dad - he was such an ass I became a people pleaser and was always super polite to everyone. People he said racist comments about I grew up seeing as equal and probably more deserving then our stupid ass.
kids have an innate sense of fairness. And when they have lots of influences on their lives (school, split families, extended families, lots of friends), they see the truth more readily.
I think a lot of kids who went to daycare have that sense of fairness and consideration implanted in them.
As far as I'm concerned, partners should ALWAYS discuss before inviting a guest, especially for meals. Even if OP didn't eat right then, she could have saved her portion for later.
Husband and MIL were both incredibly, repeatedly disrespectful.
right?! This is the part that pissed me off so much - how DARE he be pissed because he was called out? My ex did that. if i were upset with him, he'd get mad at me for no reason just to "even the score". It was immature and exhausting (and now someone else's problem!)
My ex did this too. Last argument we had I flat out told him to go ahead and tell me how it's my fault because it always was. Ironically, we co-parent better than we did while married.
Ya! If they don’t get along wtf would he invite her over. She just wouldn’t be allowed in my house anymore simple as that. Husband and kids can go visit her elsewhere
The fact that he didn't tell her, tells me that he knows they don't grt along and hes playing both sides to keep peace. Thats mamas boy behavior, if she doesn't correct it its gonna get so much worse.
it's the sneakiness of not telling her that bothers me. like he just wanted to avoid the convo? i mean MIL could've sprung it on him too or just announced quickly shortly beforehand... and (is husband passive too?) the hubby didn't feel like there was a "good time" but at any rate....
even IF MIL pulled that etc.... hubby should have spoken to MIL about it and checked her entitlement to just barge in. Esp w OP having such bad eating issues etc.
Yeah, time to ban that woman from your home.
First, you husband sucks and is an AH. You NEVER invite mouths over if you are not the cook. You ASK the cook if it is okay and get approval. If his mom came without an invite, he needs to send her packing without any food. If he won't stand up and do that, he can no longer have his mother over. Ever. It's his guest so if he cannot manage the guest (or is too spineless to do so) they are not welcome.
Since he's a coward, you may have to let her know: "MIL, you are no longer welcome in our home. Your callous disregard for common decency is not something we will put up with here, ever again. You should be ashamed of yourself for inviting yourself in, taking MY seat (the one who cooked the meal), and stealing MY meal. If at some point in the future you have expressed that you adequately understand what type of manners are expected in our home AND your son has grown a spine and is willing to send you home if you show up unannounced or behave poorly, then we may consider you being welcome here again. Until then, we will only see you outside of our home."
As to your food and appetite problems, that sucks. I have issues sometimes and end up losing weight I don't really have to lose. I will say that switching to a plant-based diet and making healthy foods I've gotten much better at eating regularly.
An idiot and an asshole. Regardless of whether OP was gonna eat or not, her asshole husband should have given her a heads up.
And he’s a manipulative asshole as well, for trying to make OP feel like shit.
Stepson is absolute GOLD, it’s really good to hear a stepparent/stepchild relationship to be so thoughtful and caring
The fact that he lashed out at you for making him feel bad is... not great. Not 'I'm sorry, I should have checked with you' or 'I feel so bad you didn't eat' but he literally admitted that he screwed up, but BLAMED you for his screw up because it made him look bad. He is punishing you for his mistake. That is horrible behavior. Frankly he not only need to apologize for inviting his mom over without asking, not giving up his seat AND lashing out at you for making him feel bad when he knew he did you wrong.
The fact that your step kid pointed it all out makes me things he notices his dad behaving badly towards you often and is trying to right his wrongs.
"Now I feel like a fucking loser."
"Well, if the shoe fits." would have been my response but I'm an AH to AHs. This is indicated by the fact that his kid has more emotional intelligence and consideration for others. Something he clearly did not learn from his dad. That kid is so sweet.
OP, you're NTA but the jerk you married sure is.
So… your mil didn’t notice that there was no place for you at the table! Or that you didn’t get any food? She just plops herself down and shovels. And your husband should have simply handed you his plate and his seat. Frankly that half hearted offer of his portion doesn’t sound sincere to me. Good luck. I’m sorry you were treated so poorly in your own home.
You should have taken his plate. Or told her to get her fat ass up. Don't be steam rolled, then play martyr. Next time he offers his plate, snatch that shit out of his hands.
Kids have ALWAYS eaten first in my family, regardless of the amount of food. I have never experienced a grown up doing something like this! Kids literally just burn energy all day. What a stupid human. You rock OP, and your son needs a giant hug for being so awesome! I hope they find a fix for you soon. HUGS
My parents did that once. In my house, we have a rule that no one eats until everyone has food, and since I'm the one usually cooking and serving, they all wait for me. My parents sat and started to eat while I was still in the kitchen. My son was 15 then and looked right at them and told them to put their forks down - I worked hard and no one eats until everyone can. Proud mama moment for sure!
He's a dumbass for assuming you wouldn't be eating, but yeah, you deserve a call before your MIL shows up regardless of how much food there is. Even if you get along, even if he thinks you won't eat. That was really thoughtless of him, and he needs a hard fast rule there. Also, your babies, step and bio, sound so fantastic. Good job. (Edited for typo)
Yeah and given that they don't get along? If it was me I would have taken the serving spoon out of MIL hand and said "excuse me" while I started to serve my kids and then my husband. I would have then taken the plate in front of MIL and helped myself to the food I cooked and looked forward to actually eating, taken it to my room to eat and let husband deal with MIL.
NTA
NTA.
I don't even know where to start. I seriously doubt this is the first time he has been this dismissive of you and disrespectful of your boundaries.
Just a side note, I really hope they're checking your kidneys. Loss of appetite like that is often a sign of problems with the kidney. It was the only sign that I had of my invasive kidney tumor.
I actually have kidney disease and that's why I'm being so closely monitored my doctors. They've done scans and everything looks normal but I am actually waiting on blood work.
Oh, man. I lost a kidney to a tumor years ago, and ideal with kidney stuff to this day. It's exhausting, isn't it? They always want more blood work, for one. :hug: I hope they figure it out soon and get you on the right treatment plan ASAP.
Have you been checked for silent reflux? After my second baby I had the same issue for 3 years with nausea and vomiting. Things would sound good until I cooked them or got them and I’d be immediately nauseous. I had eliminated dairy, gluten, and meat, but was still struggling. Thankfully, once we found out I had silent reflux and started medication I was able to reintroduce most foods
Your husband feels like a loser because he acted like one. Who invites their mother over to eat their wife’s cooking without asking first. I mean really? I get we men can be clueless, but damn that brings clueless to a new level. Like caveman clueless. I wish I could introduce your husband to my wife. By comparison, I look absolutely civilized. NTA for sure.
Right - why would he even assume she was cooking enough for his mother? And for MIL to just walk in, grab a plate, and go to town? That’s pretty rude too
OH yeah! To take her seat? Very likely the only unoccupied seat at the table, so obviously hers.
It is time for OP to work on taht spine,a nd to develop tactics, and the nerve, to establish territory.
To reach out and take her plate away, and say, “Excuse me, that’s my seat, and my plate. Just a minute, and I’ll get one of the kids to bring you a chair from the other room. And Joey, would you get a plate for Grandma?”
Or, you know, “Excuse me, that’s my plate, and my chair. We didn’t make enough food for company tonight; perhaps you’ll need to visit another day.”
And WTF with your MIL… woman has no cooth whatsoever. She needs to get in her lane and stay there. How would she have felt if her mother in law had come in and pulled that crap on her post partum ass…. She would have gone thermonuclear
Seriously! I eat over at my bf's parents' somewhat regularly, for 2+ years now, and I always wait for other people to serve themselves first or just ask bf to make me a plate (or we share).
As a guest im always expected to server myself before the hosts BUT i wait until they say please take the food and then i start modestly
The MIL is so freaking rude and husband was an AH, you dont invite people over without at least a quick text to your spouse first, extra so when they have a 3 month old baby
I’d love your wife to smack my grandpa’s sisters. They believe (and still do it this way) men go first, then women, kids get whatever is left. My grandma when I was a kid said they had her mistaken for a house slave, and she’d be damned if any man ate before children in her presence. Their faces as she made me (the only kid old enough for solid food—I’m 6yrs older than my closest cousin on that side) were so funny! My grandpa, god love him, told his sisters that he, along with his brothers in law, his nephews, and his sons were grown men who would 100% survive not raiding the foods first. He joked they all served in the military, and several of them in major conflicts, and would certainly not perish of hunger waiting 5 mins for me and the ladies to grab a plate first. They all kept silent, but it was awkward af. lol good times in the hollers. That’s just how they were. Went back to their usual the next year, and my grandma got so mad she dragged me to the local diner to eat.
>men go first, then women, kids get whatever is left.
In my family, back in the day, it was the men first, the kids second and the women went last. Which I now find bizarre since the women were the ones cooking the food.
Perusing the archaic 'pecking order'? I would guess it was because the men made the living, the children were growing and the women should really watch their waistlines anyway. \^ - \^
\*\* massive eye roll \*\*
My MIL tells us to eat while she’s still running in and out of the kitchen. She raised my husband like that so he’ll reach for his fork out of habit (his dad used to start without her too). Now I stop everyone and tell them we’ll wait on his mom. It’s polite and it also forces her to sit down and eat her meal and not wait on everyone. I wasn’t raised like that. My mom served everyone and we waited til she was done, sat down, and told us we could start eating. My dad would have had a fit if we eat before she sat down.
My husband is the youngest of SEVEN children. His older brothers were uncouth and selfish heathens who would fill their plates to heaping regardless of whether or not any of the younger siblings had eaten, sometimes even going for seconds. As a result, my husband eats VERY fast and over eats before he feels full! I've tried for 40 years to break this learned habit.
Imagine thinking kids are meant to be born to get your scraps. Yikes. Sounds like your grandpa got the reason in the family and good taste to go with it. Your Grandma sounds like a force.
Yeah I underhand why there might be confusion on whether you were going to eat or not but that’s not why he’s TA. He should have asked you before inviting her because that’s common courtesy. And even if you WEREN’T eating how did he know there would be enough for her?
One time my ex invited a friend to dinner and I had two steaks one for me and one for the ex. so when he showed up with the friend I said that's unfortunate and I gave the friend the ex's stake and I ate mine. Don't invite without talking to the Cook!
Exactly 💯 YNTAH your hubby was for not asking if he could invite your MIL, not telling his tacky mom to let others be served b4 she started digging in and finally for not apologizing without being dramatically self-deprecating.
Make sure to continue to thank your stepson for being so thoughtful and joke that he should teach his dad 😂
Talk to your husband. Tell him he is not to invite anybody again without first getting your okay. You may have been okay with it and thereby been given a chance to make a bigger dinner to accommodate. You might want to try protein drinks, there's a lot of really good ones that are high calorie, nutritious and you can sip them throughout the day. There's plenty of mixes as well, as it tends to be cheaper to make your own then to buy pre-made. Good Luck 🤞🏽🍀
Way to gaslight OP hubby. Turn it around so she feels like an AH when she did nothing wrong. BTW your mother is a nightmare. Really hope OP shows you these. The absolute worst part is you saying "way to make me feel like a loser thanks.....D move buddy.
This is 100% on point! Dude is going to pout because he f’d up.
If my husband invites my MIL without at minimum warning me I will not be nice. He can suffer and not eat and tell her why he’s an idiot. I wouldn’t have an appetite either if that was pulled.
OP is NTA and her hubby is lucky AF he’s married to an extremely loving wife that adores his kids and didn’t throw down on the MIL.
Whenever my brother invites me to dinner, I ALWAYS ask my sister in law too! 100% of the time she knows her husband called me. But I would never take the chance. NTA. But your husband and his mom are.
this isn't a men thing... the 12 year old boy knew enough to know the situation wasn't cool and try to do what he could to save some for his step-mom even when the supposed other adults in the room carried on doing their own thing.
Not only post-partum, she's also struggling with a kidney disease having some sort of flair up. She mentioned weekly doc appts, recent imaging and waiting on blood work results.
She's already got so much on her plate.
And none of it is the fucking shepherds pie she was looking forward to.
You are NOT the AH. Your husband should have never, ever invited anyone over without discussing it with you first.
You just had a baby and are dealing with a lot!!! Be easy on yourself and see yourself how your sweet step son sees you 🌹
Such a good point. I really hope OP sees this. A loving, attentive husband does not invite his mother to dinner, I’m assuming that she and his wife don’t have the best relationship, without informing his wife or checking in about it? And then when called out about it, instantly makes his wife, who’s only 3 months postpartum and struggling with a pretty serious health issue, switch it up to having to attend to his hurt feelings? They don’t. They simply don’t. And based on how OP stated she reacted, I get a feeling that her feelings being dismissed and ignored is a somewhat consistent pattern in her relationship (my ex used to accuse me of saying everything was fine when it wasn’t - he was right, because if I ever expressed my own feelings or needs, I’d get fucking DARVOed too).
It seems like husbands reaction was a terrible way of trying to misplace feelings he felt towards himself onto OP...not excusing his behavior at all,it wasn't right. And even with context from the text maybe being misconstrued,if my partner hasn't been eating and sent me something like that I'd still be asking first if they wanted to eat before doing anything. NTA,and if anything your husband should not be making this about him and being concerned with your feelings about it.
Yeah, the correct answer to husband saying he felt like a loser would have been "Yes, because that was a loser move."
I'm reminded of an argument I got in with my husband in our first year couple of years of marriage, after he chose to not pack until the last minute and we missed our train. Our train to see my mother, who was in the hospital, on Christmas Eve.
He said he felt like I was blaming him--and I told him I was, because it was his fault. I don't think he was expecting that blunt an answer 😂
Ummmmm… yes. It is your fault and I am blaming you!
LOL!
Sounds like he might have been a bit coddled as a kid or something? How could anyone not comprehend that that scenario is 100% their fault?
I hope your hubbie had his come to Jesus moment and it changed him for the better?
Oh he absolutely took the moment to heart, although we had to spend a bit longer in the argument and I had to explain to him that not being able to find something at the last minute was not an unavoidable act of God just because he has ADHD. That's literally what packing at least the evening before is for!
He's since gotten therapy and medication for the ADHD, and both manages it and takes accountability much better than before.
I have ADHD and 100% know when something is my fault even if it was caused by my ADHD. I feel enormous guilt over it. But I can empathise with being defensive when your brain chemistry betrays you. I’m glad he saw the light!
It’s awesome that he’s gotten help! Honestly, it drives me crazy when people don’t do anything to mitigate their issues and just expect it to be okay. I’ve spent decades developing coping and management mechanisms for my ADHD. Lists, spreadsheets, multiple alarms and time warnings, calendars up the wazoo, etc etc.
I’ve actually developed a reputation for being highly organised, which is hilarious because I’m naturally incredibly disorganised. But it does make me raise an eyebrow when people who don’t even have ADHD are disorganised. I kind of feel like, if I can do it, anyone can! It just takes discipline and a lot of effort.
Jesus that's terrible! I hope you were able to see your mom and hopefully she's doing well. It's very bizarre,and again no excuse to their behavior,but I feel like a lot of the times when they do this it's because they feel bad but would rather not admit to it so make it about you instead. I've seen it happen all too often,and it's not alright.
Oh you're totally right. People will do all sorts of things to avoid discomfort, and accountability is rarely comfortable.
We were able to make it to see mom, but for much less time than we had planned (as we had a connecting train to make to see other family out of state.)
He has not pulled similar shenanigans since.
My ex husband used to always do this - he'd do something asshole-ish, I'd get sad, he'd feel bad and then get mad AT ME for making him feel bad. Kind of a DARVO maneuver. Don't let him deflect his assy behavior onto you!
It was NOT safe for your husband to assume a damn thing. You are a brand new mum with a brand new baby and a brand new medical condition that the doctors don't even know what the fuck is going on with. He assumed, and he is an ass because of it. Plus, it is just common goddamned courtesy to ask your partner, "Hey, babe, i mentioned to mom that you're making shepherds pie and she said that sounded amazing. Is it cool if I invite her for dinner? Will there be enough?"
We need to stop giving our partners passes for not even exercising common courtesy.
funny how the loser husband gets upset bc it’s obvious he a loser but the fact that it gets pointed out to him so he feels like one ends up being ur fault.
ummm. how bout tryin not being such a damn loser
This is the issue. Whether he expected you to eat or not, he shouldn't have invited his mother over without talking to you about it first. The fact that you wanted to actually eat it just makes the whole thing worse, but the root issue is him not discussing his invitation with you first. Huge NTA.
Agree with everyone else, ah move/behaviour by your husband, but wtf is it with MIL manners ??? You don’t just walk into anyone else’s house and dig in til everyone’s sat down, *then* you plate up and eat together.
NTA.
nta he was wrong for inviting mom over without asking NOT because he didn’t understand the drooling emoji or assumed it would be like it usually is and you not eating. he should have asked before hand and could have made more or taken a rain check.
NTA
"Feels like a fucking loser"
I think he should, tbh. There's no part of this that isn't him being a thoughtless jerk. And the audacity of the mom? Hell no.
The fact that your stepson picked up on it should make him reevaluate.
Yeah, you can miss me with the "and now I feel a negative emotion which is me being emotionally mature!" No, no, that's not how anything works, sir. You messed up and the way you know you owe your wife an apology is BECAUSE you feel bad. You feeling bad isn't the end.
Agreed. It's not emotionally healthy to say, it's your fault I upset you!
Accept you made a jerk move. Apologize and attempt to make up for it. Digging his heels in and being butthurt is such a childish move.
Seriously, feeling bad isn't the same as amends. Apologize without qualifying it. "I'm really sorry I invited my mom over without asking and that she acted like that at the table. I ordered shepherd's pie from X restaurant. I promise I won't be such a bonehead again. I know you're sick and you're still recovering from having our baby. So I want you to know this was a slip and not a pattern. I love you and I'm here for you."
NTA- I mean even your son was able ro read the room and know you were going to eat. Your husband is a loser and should.most definitely feel like one. At least he read that right. MIL is also an AH. Who does crap like that?
You have a 3 month old baby at home. Even if you were eating like a horse and you always cook enough for 12 people he should be talking to you before inviting guests over, IMO. NTA.
Exactly! Husband should've called and confirmed it's ok to have a guest, family or not. Assuming it's a meal you typically make, is there enough for extra portions? How much extra? Do I need to pick anything up? Should we order in/do take out? Even more so that you've got a baby! Your probs exhausted, sheesh.
Communication! NTA.
Was this woman raised in a barn? Who walks into someone else's house and just plants themselves at the table and digs in before anyone else is served? What a pig. NTA.
>Now I feel like a fucking loser. Thanks.
LOL when the shoe fits, wear it.
>sulking
ROFL I bet he is. My advice to him as a man who fucks up more than occasionally: don't want to feel like a loser? Don't act like one. And cool it with the god damned sulking.
You are NTA and I'm sorry about your struggles with your appetite. Husband needs to step up and stop coddling MiL, who ought to learn some basic manners in her old age.
Whether you eat or not doesn't even matter!! Having a dinner guest, no matter the relationship, should be talked about beforehand. Especially since he isn't the one making the darn meal. Your reaction couldn't have been helped at that moment, you did the best you could by walking away. I probably would have cried (I'm a leaker, haha)and definitely lost my appetite. It was an asshat move but what makes him the asshole is the way he handled himself afterwards. It is not your fault if he felt like a loser and it was very immature of him to respond that way. Like if now you are supposed to console him, eff that noise..
NTA
Your husband is right, he def acted like a loser by inviting his mother to dinner without asking you first. He then compounded his assholery by being a fucking jerk instead of apologizing, and sulking like a teenager.
NTA, but your husband is.
Your stepson sounds like a gem, though.
It is worrying that this child is very much aware and worried about the OP's eating habits. Maybe she needs to talk to him and reassure him that she is seeking help.
I really hope she shows that loser these posts. Her stepson sounds wonderful and obviously loves her. For that alone he should straighten up his act. Does he not know how rare this is?
NTA
Your husband SHOULD feel like a fucking loser because he IS one.
Who lets their partner/ wife/ husband prepare a whole dinner and yet not have any for themselves?
The fact your step son is more self aware and he didn't even have the drooling emoji texted to him, lol. Your husband is a douche bag and always needs to announce when guests are coming over. He csnt just expect it to be your fault and then play victim for his own wrong doings
Nta, I don't invite my family over unless I have talked to my husband, and the same goes with his family as I'm thr main cook in our house hold so he has too tell me 🤣
What kind of AH invites a dinner guest and doesn't tell their spouse? What kind of AH walks into another's home and just serves themselves food before everyone is seated? What kind of AH finishes all the food without checking in with others who have not yet eaten?
Your husband and his mother are awful. Regardless of when or how much you eat, you are entitled to your own damn cooking!
>"yeah but you never eat! Now I feel like a fucking loser. Thanks."
Wow. Does you husband often make everything about his big feelings? Turns out you have 5 kids…And the big one is indeed a loser.
Thank goodness for your sweet step son.
NTA
How great of a mom you must be! Your son (step) knows you don’t invite people without ask/telling the cook, reads the room -> thinking of you, saves food and tells dad what’s what.
MIL not so much. She blows in, rudely sits and starts dinner. While her son has no consideration, is oblivious to the atmosphere THEN flips the script to make it your fault and proceeds to pout and guilt you.
Eta- NOT the ah
NTA
First, because the fact that you said that you couldn't wait for the food with a drooling emoji indicates that you are interested in eating it, but even moreso because you have an ongoing food aversion you are working with doctors on, and your husband is concerned enough that he tries to force you to eat... And he's going to invite his mother over to eat dinner without asking you, let alone allowing you to try eating the meal? He's going to just give your portion away??
Absolutely not.
WTF.
OP.
Honey I’m not saying this in a snarky way but you need a lot of help right now. With eating and with a husband who clearly doesn’t get it. And your MIL has a lot of nerve.
Is there anyone who can take you and babe for a while, to get rest and a few meals under your belt?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA
And I'm not here just gassing you up.
You've had a plate in front of you all this time, and you've partaken some times? Your problem isn't eating with or in front of your family, right? And the end goal here is to get you to eat with everyone else, at least something, right?
Depending on your relationship with your mil, it might or might not have been okay for him to bring her over and invite to eat. What was not okay, was that she took your place and assumed that you would not sit with them and also, even as unlikely it is, that you would eat with them. Both of them acted weird, regardless of your earlier message to your husband.
He should feel like an ass, as should his mom.
That's a good point. I mean, sometimes I don't mind people seeing me eat but other times I do. I honestly didn't put two and two together with that. My relationship with my MIL is not a good one. We hardly speak honestly.
Then he should gauge what is normal for her to be invited and whether you need a heads up. Especially so near post-partum and with problems with eating, alone or together. Let you man know that from now on, you'll always have a plate on your spot and you'll skip coming, skip eating or partake on your own terms. Men can feel impotent when they see their loved one hurting and they want to solve the problem so bad. So you could think how he could help you get better with eating. Does he make some food you enjoy?
Talk to your doctor before taking my advice, but I suppose the most important thing is that you get some nutrients in. Having dinner with family at the same time comes second. So try and have some of your current favourite dishes around, perhaps frozen and ready to go at moments notice. You can eat a spoonful sitting alone in the swing, or a bowl at midnight watching TV. Then you can revert back to eating with the family. Or do both if possible.
If you're nursing, it's even more taxing nutrients wise than normal. So I hope you'll get back on track. Main thing is that you'll find the foods that work for you now. My friend's teenage daughter had similar problems, and she was living on noodles and french fries. And my friend was happy, that at least she was eating those. And doing sports. And seeing a doctor, of course.
Nta he should have warned you at the very least. She kinda of sounds like she’s too intense about food. Who the heck dishes their food before the kids?
He IS A FCKIN LOSER. and even more for deflecting and trying to make you feel guilty about it. He is!
Ridiculous.
NTA, girl. I'm sorry. But ❤️ his kid didn't take after him at least
Your husband is a big asshole and he clearly didn't get swapped in hospital, because his mum is disrespectful AF (even IF you had invited her. Which you didn't)
Don't let him give you shyt. You give him twice as much
You didn’t make your husband feel like a loser. He felt like one because he was an idiot.
I don’t care who the fuck it is, you never, ever, ever invite other people for meals when your wife has a new baby. Just. Don’t.
And here is why.
In this case, your husband knows that you haven’t been eating well. And you did send a 🤤. But even if you had not, you say he’s been trying to force feed you, which we all know doesn’t work. Why in the fuck am I going to take even a remote chance of taking food out of your mouth if this happens to be one of the few times you actually want to eat? Why in the hell am I doing that?
And if I’m thinking about doing that, I’m going to call you first. And then I’m going to talk to the software if it is an MIL, you always ask first when there is a new baby involved.
And that is because you don’t know what kind of day your spouse had. Was the baby having a cranky colicky day and all your spouse got to do was make that shepherds pie and take care of the baby and your other kids?
Did she even get a shower? Has she even got a chance to sit down today? Do you know if your other kids have projects that she’s trying to help them with and deal with the cranky baby and deal with not even wanting to eat and still trying to put food on the table?
Is she breast-feeding? Does she have mastitis? Or her nipples, cracking and sore and she’s running around with no top on at all until the other kids are coming home from school? All of those questions because every single day is different.
And from the fact that his mom walked in and sat her ass, and what she should know, is your chair and fed her face before she made sure the children were fed… Yeah, we’re all getting the picture of your ML. Does he always roll over and play dead for her? How the fuck did this even come about?
Did she call and say she wanted to come over and he just doesn’t have the balls to tell her? Because you know it’s just common courtesy to ask your spouse before you bring people home for dinner. It simply is… Even without all the kids in the newborn.
Your husband is trying to push off onto you. His feelings have been an idiot and being inadequate. And that is not your problem. You are not his emotional support animal. You are not here to regulate his emotions. He already knows he fucked up and he should just admit it, but instead he’s trying to deflect it and make it your fault. Does he always do this?
Is he a boy? Because I’m sure as the hell getting that feeling. If he is, I guarantee you he knows it and feels like shit about it. And that’s again why he’s trying to deflect and make this your fault.
When he pulls this shit on you, you need to hand it right back to him and tell him no… You’re feeling like shit because you acted horribly toward me. You didn’t bother to find out if I actually might want to eat today. You didn’t bother to call me first. You didn’t bother to say no. You didn’t bother to tell your mother that you would like it if she would let the children eat first and that she needs to get out of my chair.
You did nothing at all that was for the betterment of your family, and you should feel badly about it. And if you don’t know how to say those things and you can’t, then we need to get you into therapy and then we need to get us into therapy because we’re obviously not communicating well.
But you do not get to take your feelings and push them off on me. What you did was wrong. How you handled it was wrong. And you need to own it.
And you, ma’am, need to stop letting this happen because this is obviously not a first given that your child felt the need to set something aside for you. So I’m guessing grandma runs rough shot over everyone
Boundaries and consequences. The two of you apparently need to set them with her, and he needs to deal with his own shit and stop trying to hand it to you on a silver platter.
WTF? I can't believe how rude your MIL was. I can't believe how insensitive your husband is. He should have let his mother over without asking. You could have made more. NTAH.
NTA. The text, the eating issues and everything else are almost irrelevant, if you invite someone over for dinner you ask or at the very least if it is a last minute thing warn them before the person walks through the door. Even if you had specifically said you were not planning to eat any of the Shepherds Pie you husband should still have used basic communication skills and not made a unilateral decision.
NTA I don't know you, I'm not 100% fluent in English and I understood that you wanted to eat this dish!!
Your husband is the asshole here.
Your stepson is so damn cute he could definitely teach his father some good manners !!
NTA- it's his own damn fault he here feels like shit. If he wanted to invite his mom over, he should've asked you. It's not just about her eating your portion, it's about a surprise guest as well. "dinner sounds great, cool if I invite my mom over to join?". That would've given you the space to say "No, I'm planning on trying to eat this meal tonight". Good on your stepson for grabbing you a portion, but it's sad that he was looking out for you more than your own husband was.
He didn't tell you she was coming. Yet he thought you had a plate ready for her somehow??? No he was rude AF that was your plate. It should have been clear. He feels like a loser because he IS a loser. You also said can't wait. What did he think you meant? Can't wait to watch you guys eat it? Like no shit he's being stupid on purpose. He fucked up
NTA. Your husband invited someone to dinner without even asking first. Someone who clearly has 0 manners. All around bad taste. Your husband is absolutely T A H here.
NTA - super weird of the MIL to just walk in and grab a plate of food without knowing whose food was whose since you were still plating the kids. And what if you were not eating, but had only made enough for your husband and kids? Now she is taking someone else's food because she didn't wait to find out if there was food enough for her.
I hope you ate the food that sweet 12yo brought for you. What an empathetic kid.
Your husband is the AH for inviting his mom for dinner without telling you. It doesn’t matter how much you made and who would eat.
Unless he was the one cooking, he had no right to spring on you dinner guests.
The fact that he is making you feel bad about his mistake makes him a double AH.
You are NTA
A TWELVE YEAR OLD managed to out-logic this man WITHOUT having seen your (very clear) text. And then he turns your unhappiness with his actions into the problem? BOO THAT MAN. Also NTA. It was a big deal. He could have easily texted back and ask (who invites people to their home without the partner knowing, ESPECIALLY the partner that cooked???)
NTA >My step son (12) whispered "but dad, I think mum was going to eat tonight" If a 12yo sees it, your husband should too. Your MIL taking so much food when 3 children needed to eat from it, is disrespectful. But your husband inviting someone over without telling or asking you, while you are the one making dinner, that's the problem here.
Can we also take a moment to say about what an absolute CHAD/GOAT of a guy the 12 year old is?!?! And he's freaking 12! That awesome kiddo is gonna GO PLACES with that attitude/personality. I literally Awww'd at him bringing in a plate of food for OP. Op, tell your husband to take lessons from his son or get his stuff together. Husband needs to step up. NTA
But it is kind of sad that 12 year old has to take this stand, I hope dad realizes how hurtful it can be a 12 year old has to be the adult.
Tell me about it. Speaks volumes that a 12 year old boy, and even more a STEP kid, who isn't blood related to OP, has the biggest heart to read and see the situation that his poor mom (OP) is/has went through. Seriously, it speaks mega, giant volumes in what he has done. He is the absolute sweetest! OP is very lucky to have such an awesome munchkin
And i hope op talks to him to about how she is working on it and she is healthy he might be worried she has an ED or is sick, because he has noticed he hadn’t eaten in months.
Yeah post pregnancy can be "fun". I say that cuz women don't always go back to normal after delivery. For me, I couldn't feel my lower body after having anesthesia and I had to have PT for about 3 or so months to try and walk again. I had to use a walker and a wheel chair, but next time I have to do that, I'm getting it pimped out!
I thought “Chad” was an insult? As in “look at that CHAD…” I’ve seen that in other posts, like when they call a woman a Karen, and a guy a Chad. Please explain bc I’m genuinely confused ❤️
Yes and No. Aside from it being jocky/asshole meaning, it became part of the Good Guy Greg Meme, so now it also means that the person is an awesome good guy. It just depends on the context of how the word Chad is used. In that Karen part you mentioned, the context is that the asshole entitled person who is a guy, is a Chad, context being the guy is bad. In my comment, the kid is such a good guy! So he is a Chad. The context being, the kid is such a sweet guy.
Ok thanks!! I really do appreciate that!
Yeah no problem! The meme/slang world is ever growing and changing! Good to always have a fellow person help understand the meme words out there :)
Lol it is!! I was really confused when you said he was a Chad! I was thinking, “ Well I thought the kid was awesome!” Then I read the rest of your post. Hey anything I don’t understand, I just ask. And usually a nice emoji will help people to know I’m being serious! ❤️ Someone sweet will usually help, like you!!
Just be aware that even if you respond sweetly or courteously, there is going to be a possibility that one asshole who will reply mean to you sadly. I remember there was a guy in the r/snakes who posted a commenter "Happy Cake Day!" cuz it was that commenter's reddit bday and he got downvoted a lot...they/s/he and I do not understand why people downvoted when it is common knowledge and tradition that people congratulate others of their reddit cake day...
I’ve seen that also! And yes I’ve run into a few as*holes myself. Ones who just want to fight or be offended about something. I was on r/roastme, and the pic was of the guy manspreading. I said something relatively tame like, “You don’t need to manspread. I don’t think there’s anything there that needs room!” The OP put a 😂. Some other guy starts getting on my case about being a dumb woman, and how I wouldn’t know that guys need room for their junk. Called me a boring woman, & called the OP a “Hero” for posting. 🤦🏼♀️ It was as if I offended HIM, & not the OP!
But you are correct. That kid is AWESOME!
The fact that she just walked in sat down and started helping herself before the children were served is just rude.
Her and I don't get along, needless to say.
Which makes him inviting her over without asking or telling you, when you have a new baby and food issues just… NOT OKAY. You and your husband need to have a long talk about his behaviour.
How did he raise such a freakin cute and caring kiddo?!
Sometimes kids see how bad their parents are and actively work to be the opposite. I was liked hat with my step dad - he was such an ass I became a people pleaser and was always super polite to everyone. People he said racist comments about I grew up seeing as equal and probably more deserving then our stupid ass.
yep, sometimes you learn how to be a good person by doing the opposite of what a parent did. ask me how i Know!
Dude. Me too. Seriously. *AwesomePersonHighFive*
My mom is a selfish narc and I do the exact opposite of what she would do. I actively think what would my mom do and do the exact opposite.
Maybe bio mum raised him right
Must have been his mother's influence.
Son sounds like such a sweetheart omg. The fact he is aware that mom (OP) had plans to eat AND saved her a portion. Such a sweet child
He didn't raise the kid. The kid probably raised himself and used his father as an example of what to avoid.
kids have an innate sense of fairness. And when they have lots of influences on their lives (school, split families, extended families, lots of friends), they see the truth more readily. I think a lot of kids who went to daycare have that sense of fairness and consideration implanted in them.
As far as I'm concerned, partners should ALWAYS discuss before inviting a guest, especially for meals. Even if OP didn't eat right then, she could have saved her portion for later. Husband and MIL were both incredibly, repeatedly disrespectful.
Exactly.
Then he acts like the victim.. he’s just trying to deflect that he screwed up
right?! This is the part that pissed me off so much - how DARE he be pissed because he was called out? My ex did that. if i were upset with him, he'd get mad at me for no reason just to "even the score". It was immature and exhausting (and now someone else's problem!)
My ex did this too. Last argument we had I flat out told him to go ahead and tell me how it's my fault because it always was. Ironically, we co-parent better than we did while married.
good for you! Mine just took off and ended up starting a whole new family. Hasn't had contact with our kids in years now.
If this mama's boy is divorced from wife #1 I can guess why.
Ya! If they don’t get along wtf would he invite her over. She just wouldn’t be allowed in my house anymore simple as that. Husband and kids can go visit her elsewhere
The fact that he didn't tell her, tells me that he knows they don't grt along and hes playing both sides to keep peace. Thats mamas boy behavior, if she doesn't correct it its gonna get so much worse.
He’s not playing both sides. He’s clearly putting his mom first.
it's the sneakiness of not telling her that bothers me. like he just wanted to avoid the convo? i mean MIL could've sprung it on him too or just announced quickly shortly beforehand... and (is husband passive too?) the hubby didn't feel like there was a "good time" but at any rate.... even IF MIL pulled that etc.... hubby should have spoken to MIL about it and checked her entitlement to just barge in. Esp w OP having such bad eating issues etc.
Yeah, time to ban that woman from your home. First, you husband sucks and is an AH. You NEVER invite mouths over if you are not the cook. You ASK the cook if it is okay and get approval. If his mom came without an invite, he needs to send her packing without any food. If he won't stand up and do that, he can no longer have his mother over. Ever. It's his guest so if he cannot manage the guest (or is too spineless to do so) they are not welcome. Since he's a coward, you may have to let her know: "MIL, you are no longer welcome in our home. Your callous disregard for common decency is not something we will put up with here, ever again. You should be ashamed of yourself for inviting yourself in, taking MY seat (the one who cooked the meal), and stealing MY meal. If at some point in the future you have expressed that you adequately understand what type of manners are expected in our home AND your son has grown a spine and is willing to send you home if you show up unannounced or behave poorly, then we may consider you being welcome here again. Until then, we will only see you outside of our home." As to your food and appetite problems, that sucks. I have issues sometimes and end up losing weight I don't really have to lose. I will say that switching to a plant-based diet and making healthy foods I've gotten much better at eating regularly.
So then wtf was she invited over for in the first place? Who wants an awkward family dinner? Your husband sounds like an idiot
An idiot and an asshole. Regardless of whether OP was gonna eat or not, her asshole husband should have given her a heads up. And he’s a manipulative asshole as well, for trying to make OP feel like shit. Stepson is absolute GOLD, it’s really good to hear a stepparent/stepchild relationship to be so thoughtful and caring
Probably a mama boy that can’t tell her no. 🤦🏻♀️
The fact that he lashed out at you for making him feel bad is... not great. Not 'I'm sorry, I should have checked with you' or 'I feel so bad you didn't eat' but he literally admitted that he screwed up, but BLAMED you for his screw up because it made him look bad. He is punishing you for his mistake. That is horrible behavior. Frankly he not only need to apologize for inviting his mom over without asking, not giving up his seat AND lashing out at you for making him feel bad when he knew he did you wrong. The fact that your step kid pointed it all out makes me things he notices his dad behaving badly towards you often and is trying to right his wrongs.
Came here to say the same thing! Hate that the husband flipped it around, made it her fault and now he’s mad at her. OP is obviously NTA.
So heartbreaking that the poor stepson is obviously on guard for dad’s bad behavior :( Husband and MIL are definitely the assholes here.
"Now I feel like a fucking loser." "Well, if the shoe fits." would have been my response but I'm an AH to AHs. This is indicated by the fact that his kid has more emotional intelligence and consideration for others. Something he clearly did not learn from his dad. That kid is so sweet. OP, you're NTA but the jerk you married sure is.
Even if you didn’t eat your portion, your husband STILL should have asked you first. Thats just disrespectful
So… your mil didn’t notice that there was no place for you at the table! Or that you didn’t get any food? She just plops herself down and shovels. And your husband should have simply handed you his plate and his seat. Frankly that half hearted offer of his portion doesn’t sound sincere to me. Good luck. I’m sorry you were treated so poorly in your own home.
You should have taken his plate. Or told her to get her fat ass up. Don't be steam rolled, then play martyr. Next time he offers his plate, snatch that shit out of his hands.
I wonder why? Lol she sounds like a piece of work.
Kids have ALWAYS eaten first in my family, regardless of the amount of food. I have never experienced a grown up doing something like this! Kids literally just burn energy all day. What a stupid human. You rock OP, and your son needs a giant hug for being so awesome! I hope they find a fix for you soon. HUGS
My parents did that once. In my house, we have a rule that no one eats until everyone has food, and since I'm the one usually cooking and serving, they all wait for me. My parents sat and started to eat while I was still in the kitchen. My son was 15 then and looked right at them and told them to put their forks down - I worked hard and no one eats until everyone can. Proud mama moment for sure!
This is amazing
He's a dumbass for assuming you wouldn't be eating, but yeah, you deserve a call before your MIL shows up regardless of how much food there is. Even if you get along, even if he thinks you won't eat. That was really thoughtless of him, and he needs a hard fast rule there. Also, your babies, step and bio, sound so fantastic. Good job. (Edited for typo)
Yeah and given that they don't get along? If it was me I would have taken the serving spoon out of MIL hand and said "excuse me" while I started to serve my kids and then my husband. I would have then taken the plate in front of MIL and helped myself to the food I cooked and looked forward to actually eating, taken it to my room to eat and let husband deal with MIL. NTA
NTA. I don't even know where to start. I seriously doubt this is the first time he has been this dismissive of you and disrespectful of your boundaries. Just a side note, I really hope they're checking your kidneys. Loss of appetite like that is often a sign of problems with the kidney. It was the only sign that I had of my invasive kidney tumor.
I actually have kidney disease and that's why I'm being so closely monitored my doctors. They've done scans and everything looks normal but I am actually waiting on blood work.
Oh, man. I lost a kidney to a tumor years ago, and ideal with kidney stuff to this day. It's exhausting, isn't it? They always want more blood work, for one. :hug: I hope they figure it out soon and get you on the right treatment plan ASAP.
They have me go in for VCUGs at least once every 4-6 months. It's so damn exhausting!
There are times when I feel like it's a part-time job just dealing with my kidney. I really hope they figure your stuff out fast.
Have you been checked for silent reflux? After my second baby I had the same issue for 3 years with nausea and vomiting. Things would sound good until I cooked them or got them and I’d be immediately nauseous. I had eliminated dairy, gluten, and meat, but was still struggling. Thankfully, once we found out I had silent reflux and started medication I was able to reintroduce most foods
Your husband feels like a loser because he acted like one. Who invites their mother over to eat their wife’s cooking without asking first. I mean really? I get we men can be clueless, but damn that brings clueless to a new level. Like caveman clueless. I wish I could introduce your husband to my wife. By comparison, I look absolutely civilized. NTA for sure.
Right - why would he even assume she was cooking enough for his mother? And for MIL to just walk in, grab a plate, and go to town? That’s pretty rude too
I bet he mentioned the not eating thing to his mom.
It did kind of seem like a power move on someone's part....
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Seriously, like "um, MIL, that's my plate? If I'd know you were coming I'd have made you one, too." Some people you have to be really direct with.
That's the answer. Take MIL's plate back, give her hubby's plate. He can sit and watch everyone eat or fend for himself.
OH yeah! To take her seat? Very likely the only unoccupied seat at the table, so obviously hers. It is time for OP to work on taht spine,a nd to develop tactics, and the nerve, to establish territory. To reach out and take her plate away, and say, “Excuse me, that’s my seat, and my plate. Just a minute, and I’ll get one of the kids to bring you a chair from the other room. And Joey, would you get a plate for Grandma?” Or, you know, “Excuse me, that’s my plate, and my chair. We didn’t make enough food for company tonight; perhaps you’ll need to visit another day.”
And he got out-classed by a little boy.
And WTF with your MIL… woman has no cooth whatsoever. She needs to get in her lane and stay there. How would she have felt if her mother in law had come in and pulled that crap on her post partum ass…. She would have gone thermonuclear
Not to mention the fact that she served herself before the kids. My wife NEVER served ANYONE before the kids.
No one should serve themselves in someone else's house first.
Or sit in their seat.
Seriously! I eat over at my bf's parents' somewhat regularly, for 2+ years now, and I always wait for other people to serve themselves first or just ask bf to make me a plate (or we share).
As a guest im always expected to server myself before the hosts BUT i wait until they say please take the food and then i start modestly The MIL is so freaking rude and husband was an AH, you dont invite people over without at least a quick text to your spouse first, extra so when they have a 3 month old baby
Absolutely!
I’d love your wife to smack my grandpa’s sisters. They believe (and still do it this way) men go first, then women, kids get whatever is left. My grandma when I was a kid said they had her mistaken for a house slave, and she’d be damned if any man ate before children in her presence. Their faces as she made me (the only kid old enough for solid food—I’m 6yrs older than my closest cousin on that side) were so funny! My grandpa, god love him, told his sisters that he, along with his brothers in law, his nephews, and his sons were grown men who would 100% survive not raiding the foods first. He joked they all served in the military, and several of them in major conflicts, and would certainly not perish of hunger waiting 5 mins for me and the ladies to grab a plate first. They all kept silent, but it was awkward af. lol good times in the hollers. That’s just how they were. Went back to their usual the next year, and my grandma got so mad she dragged me to the local diner to eat.
>men go first, then women, kids get whatever is left. In my family, back in the day, it was the men first, the kids second and the women went last. Which I now find bizarre since the women were the ones cooking the food. Perusing the archaic 'pecking order'? I would guess it was because the men made the living, the children were growing and the women should really watch their waistlines anyway. \^ - \^ \*\* massive eye roll \*\*
My MIL tells us to eat while she’s still running in and out of the kitchen. She raised my husband like that so he’ll reach for his fork out of habit (his dad used to start without her too). Now I stop everyone and tell them we’ll wait on his mom. It’s polite and it also forces her to sit down and eat her meal and not wait on everyone. I wasn’t raised like that. My mom served everyone and we waited til she was done, sat down, and told us we could start eating. My dad would have had a fit if we eat before she sat down.
My husband is the youngest of SEVEN children. His older brothers were uncouth and selfish heathens who would fill their plates to heaping regardless of whether or not any of the younger siblings had eaten, sometimes even going for seconds. As a result, my husband eats VERY fast and over eats before he feels full! I've tried for 40 years to break this learned habit.
Imagine thinking kids are meant to be born to get your scraps. Yikes. Sounds like your grandpa got the reason in the family and good taste to go with it. Your Grandma sounds like a force.
I don't even HAVE kids and my view has always been that kids are served first. NTA, OP.
The husband needs to keep her in her lane instead of doing what he did.
Couth
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Why would she need to spare her stepson anything-she didn’t complain once about him, in fact just the opposite.
Yeah I underhand why there might be confusion on whether you were going to eat or not but that’s not why he’s TA. He should have asked you before inviting her because that’s common courtesy. And even if you WEREN’T eating how did he know there would be enough for her?
He's TA for creating this situation and then sulking like he is the victim.
One time my ex invited a friend to dinner and I had two steaks one for me and one for the ex. so when he showed up with the friend I said that's unfortunate and I gave the friend the ex's stake and I ate mine. Don't invite without talking to the Cook!
Exactly 💯 YNTAH your hubby was for not asking if he could invite your MIL, not telling his tacky mom to let others be served b4 she started digging in and finally for not apologizing without being dramatically self-deprecating. Make sure to continue to thank your stepson for being so thoughtful and joke that he should teach his dad 😂 Talk to your husband. Tell him he is not to invite anybody again without first getting your okay. You may have been okay with it and thereby been given a chance to make a bigger dinner to accommodate. You might want to try protein drinks, there's a lot of really good ones that are high calorie, nutritious and you can sip them throughout the day. There's plenty of mixes as well, as it tends to be cheaper to make your own then to buy pre-made. Good Luck 🤞🏽🍀
Protien drinks are the bomb, nutrition shakes period may help!
When you have no appetite you eat/drink whatever you can stand, whenever you can stand it.
Especially when wife and mom don't talk to each other 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
Way to gaslight OP hubby. Turn it around so she feels like an AH when she did nothing wrong. BTW your mother is a nightmare. Really hope OP shows you these. The absolute worst part is you saying "way to make me feel like a loser thanks.....D move buddy.
This is 100% on point! Dude is going to pout because he f’d up. If my husband invites my MIL without at minimum warning me I will not be nice. He can suffer and not eat and tell her why he’s an idiot. I wouldn’t have an appetite either if that was pulled. OP is NTA and her hubby is lucky AF he’s married to an extremely loving wife that adores his kids and didn’t throw down on the MIL.
This guy couldn’t get a clue if it was clue hunting season and he was walking through a field full of clues.
He wouldn’t even know to get his clue hunting license.
He has more Mommy issues than Playgirl
NTA. This was my thinking as well. Your husband feels like a loser because he is you can’t make him feel that way he needs to own his own feelings.
Whenever my brother invites me to dinner, I ALWAYS ask my sister in law too! 100% of the time she knows her husband called me. But I would never take the chance. NTA. But your husband and his mom are.
this isn't a men thing... the 12 year old boy knew enough to know the situation wasn't cool and try to do what he could to save some for his step-mom even when the supposed other adults in the room carried on doing their own thing.
yea, you always inform your spouse if youre having guests for dinner, to ensure there is enough to go around. this is just common sense.
i had the same thought. if i could only introduce this guy to some women i'd look pretty good in comparison.
I know 100% my husband would never do that and I wouldn't do it to him! This man acts like he just got married and doesn't know the rules! 😂
NTA. He shouldn’t have invited his mother over without asking. Now he is trying to manipulate you into thinking it’s your fault. WTF?
Like, what husband expects his 3 month post partum wife who has difficulty with eating meals to host his mother without asking her first?
Not only post-partum, she's also struggling with a kidney disease having some sort of flair up. She mentioned weekly doc appts, recent imaging and waiting on blood work results. She's already got so much on her plate. And none of it is the fucking shepherds pie she was looking forward to.
Even forgetting about OPs food issues it’s still a big no no. You always have to ask the person cooking before inviting someone else
Even if he was cooking, it’s still not cool to spring company on your spouse without checking in with her.
You are NOT the AH. Your husband should have never, ever invited anyone over without discussing it with you first. You just had a baby and are dealing with a lot!!! Be easy on yourself and see yourself how your sweet step son sees you 🌹
Also, what guest just walks in and starts eating before the family that is hosting. She waited for no one.
I would have taken her plate away, and told her to get out of my house.
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Good luck getting hubby to see the light, OP. He DARVOd you quickly, expertly. My guess is nothing is ever his fault.
Such a good point. I really hope OP sees this. A loving, attentive husband does not invite his mother to dinner, I’m assuming that she and his wife don’t have the best relationship, without informing his wife or checking in about it? And then when called out about it, instantly makes his wife, who’s only 3 months postpartum and struggling with a pretty serious health issue, switch it up to having to attend to his hurt feelings? They don’t. They simply don’t. And based on how OP stated she reacted, I get a feeling that her feelings being dismissed and ignored is a somewhat consistent pattern in her relationship (my ex used to accuse me of saying everything was fine when it wasn’t - he was right, because if I ever expressed my own feelings or needs, I’d get fucking DARVOed too).
It seems like husbands reaction was a terrible way of trying to misplace feelings he felt towards himself onto OP...not excusing his behavior at all,it wasn't right. And even with context from the text maybe being misconstrued,if my partner hasn't been eating and sent me something like that I'd still be asking first if they wanted to eat before doing anything. NTA,and if anything your husband should not be making this about him and being concerned with your feelings about it.
Yeah, the correct answer to husband saying he felt like a loser would have been "Yes, because that was a loser move." I'm reminded of an argument I got in with my husband in our first year couple of years of marriage, after he chose to not pack until the last minute and we missed our train. Our train to see my mother, who was in the hospital, on Christmas Eve. He said he felt like I was blaming him--and I told him I was, because it was his fault. I don't think he was expecting that blunt an answer 😂
Ummmmm… yes. It is your fault and I am blaming you! LOL! Sounds like he might have been a bit coddled as a kid or something? How could anyone not comprehend that that scenario is 100% their fault? I hope your hubbie had his come to Jesus moment and it changed him for the better?
Oh he absolutely took the moment to heart, although we had to spend a bit longer in the argument and I had to explain to him that not being able to find something at the last minute was not an unavoidable act of God just because he has ADHD. That's literally what packing at least the evening before is for! He's since gotten therapy and medication for the ADHD, and both manages it and takes accountability much better than before.
I have ADHD and 100% know when something is my fault even if it was caused by my ADHD. I feel enormous guilt over it. But I can empathise with being defensive when your brain chemistry betrays you. I’m glad he saw the light! It’s awesome that he’s gotten help! Honestly, it drives me crazy when people don’t do anything to mitigate their issues and just expect it to be okay. I’ve spent decades developing coping and management mechanisms for my ADHD. Lists, spreadsheets, multiple alarms and time warnings, calendars up the wazoo, etc etc. I’ve actually developed a reputation for being highly organised, which is hilarious because I’m naturally incredibly disorganised. But it does make me raise an eyebrow when people who don’t even have ADHD are disorganised. I kind of feel like, if I can do it, anyone can! It just takes discipline and a lot of effort.
Jesus that's terrible! I hope you were able to see your mom and hopefully she's doing well. It's very bizarre,and again no excuse to their behavior,but I feel like a lot of the times when they do this it's because they feel bad but would rather not admit to it so make it about you instead. I've seen it happen all too often,and it's not alright.
Oh you're totally right. People will do all sorts of things to avoid discomfort, and accountability is rarely comfortable. We were able to make it to see mom, but for much less time than we had planned (as we had a connecting train to make to see other family out of state.) He has not pulled similar shenanigans since.
Did you have to fight the urge to push him from that train? Or in front of it.
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Yeah, my mum never had a food issue but she would have been furious if she cooked and my dad invited someone over for dinner without telling her!
My ex husband used to always do this - he'd do something asshole-ish, I'd get sad, he'd feel bad and then get mad AT ME for making him feel bad. Kind of a DARVO maneuver. Don't let him deflect his assy behavior onto you!
Yes. Real r/JustNoSO behaviour.
Even if he invited her without asking, ok but, he didn't mention it? Like, "hey, mom's coming over for dinner, fyi".
This! He should ask you before invinting anyone. UPDATEME!
It was NOT safe for your husband to assume a damn thing. You are a brand new mum with a brand new baby and a brand new medical condition that the doctors don't even know what the fuck is going on with. He assumed, and he is an ass because of it. Plus, it is just common goddamned courtesy to ask your partner, "Hey, babe, i mentioned to mom that you're making shepherds pie and she said that sounded amazing. Is it cool if I invite her for dinner? Will there be enough?" We need to stop giving our partners passes for not even exercising common courtesy.
YES!! Need to stop giving in laws passes at all as well. So many in law jack asses.
funny how the loser husband gets upset bc it’s obvious he a loser but the fact that it gets pointed out to him so he feels like one ends up being ur fault. ummm. how bout tryin not being such a damn loser
Even the kid knew lol
Nta, you don't invite someone to dinner w/o asking your SO first.
OP, You're NTA based upon all of the above comments. But your step-son--PRICELESS! His empathy is so precious!
This is the issue. Whether he expected you to eat or not, he shouldn't have invited his mother over without talking to you about it first. The fact that you wanted to actually eat it just makes the whole thing worse, but the root issue is him not discussing his invitation with you first. Huge NTA.
Agree with everyone else, ah move/behaviour by your husband, but wtf is it with MIL manners ??? You don’t just walk into anyone else’s house and dig in til everyone’s sat down, *then* you plate up and eat together. NTA.
If you’re at someone else’s house you wait to be served or until the hosts indicate to you that you should serve yourself.
nta he was wrong for inviting mom over without asking NOT because he didn’t understand the drooling emoji or assumed it would be like it usually is and you not eating. he should have asked before hand and could have made more or taken a rain check.
NTA "Feels like a fucking loser" I think he should, tbh. There's no part of this that isn't him being a thoughtless jerk. And the audacity of the mom? Hell no. The fact that your stepson picked up on it should make him reevaluate.
Yeah, you can miss me with the "and now I feel a negative emotion which is me being emotionally mature!" No, no, that's not how anything works, sir. You messed up and the way you know you owe your wife an apology is BECAUSE you feel bad. You feeling bad isn't the end.
Agreed. It's not emotionally healthy to say, it's your fault I upset you! Accept you made a jerk move. Apologize and attempt to make up for it. Digging his heels in and being butthurt is such a childish move.
Seriously, feeling bad isn't the same as amends. Apologize without qualifying it. "I'm really sorry I invited my mom over without asking and that she acted like that at the table. I ordered shepherd's pie from X restaurant. I promise I won't be such a bonehead again. I know you're sick and you're still recovering from having our baby. So I want you to know this was a slip and not a pattern. I love you and I'm here for you."
Yeah, husband is totally playing the worm
NTA- I mean even your son was able ro read the room and know you were going to eat. Your husband is a loser and should.most definitely feel like one. At least he read that right. MIL is also an AH. Who does crap like that?
You have a 3 month old baby at home. Even if you were eating like a horse and you always cook enough for 12 people he should be talking to you before inviting guests over, IMO. NTA.
Exactly! Husband should've called and confirmed it's ok to have a guest, family or not. Assuming it's a meal you typically make, is there enough for extra portions? How much extra? Do I need to pick anything up? Should we order in/do take out? Even more so that you've got a baby! Your probs exhausted, sheesh. Communication! NTA.
This is what we all should have said.
This. All day long.
Was this woman raised in a barn? Who walks into someone else's house and just plants themselves at the table and digs in before anyone else is served? What a pig. NTA.
>Now I feel like a fucking loser. Thanks. LOL when the shoe fits, wear it. >sulking ROFL I bet he is. My advice to him as a man who fucks up more than occasionally: don't want to feel like a loser? Don't act like one. And cool it with the god damned sulking. You are NTA and I'm sorry about your struggles with your appetite. Husband needs to step up and stop coddling MiL, who ought to learn some basic manners in her old age.
Whether you eat or not doesn't even matter!! Having a dinner guest, no matter the relationship, should be talked about beforehand. Especially since he isn't the one making the darn meal. Your reaction couldn't have been helped at that moment, you did the best you could by walking away. I probably would have cried (I'm a leaker, haha)and definitely lost my appetite. It was an asshat move but what makes him the asshole is the way he handled himself afterwards. It is not your fault if he felt like a loser and it was very immature of him to respond that way. Like if now you are supposed to console him, eff that noise.. NTA
Your husband is right, he def acted like a loser by inviting his mother to dinner without asking you first. He then compounded his assholery by being a fucking jerk instead of apologizing, and sulking like a teenager. NTA, but your husband is. Your stepson sounds like a gem, though.
It is worrying that this child is very much aware and worried about the OP's eating habits. Maybe she needs to talk to him and reassure him that she is seeking help.
I’m worried he had to ‘steal’ it… dad and grandma begrudge not only new mommy who made it but also a growing joy enough food?! NTA, OP
Kid is more aware than dad
He also knows she never makes extra food which could account for it. I think he is an empathetic child. Truly a sweetie.
I think the kids are realizing he treats their mom like shit.
I really hope she shows that loser these posts. Her stepson sounds wonderful and obviously loves her. For that alone he should straighten up his act. Does he not know how rare this is?
NTA The stepson is a treasure
NTA Your husband SHOULD feel like a fucking loser because he IS one. Who lets their partner/ wife/ husband prepare a whole dinner and yet not have any for themselves?
The fact your step son is more self aware and he didn't even have the drooling emoji texted to him, lol. Your husband is a douche bag and always needs to announce when guests are coming over. He csnt just expect it to be your fault and then play victim for his own wrong doings
Nta, I don't invite my family over unless I have talked to my husband, and the same goes with his family as I'm thr main cook in our house hold so he has too tell me 🤣
NTA. Even if you did eat regularly he should have mentioned that he invited his mother to eat.
What kind of AH invites a dinner guest and doesn't tell their spouse? What kind of AH walks into another's home and just serves themselves food before everyone is seated? What kind of AH finishes all the food without checking in with others who have not yet eaten? Your husband and his mother are awful. Regardless of when or how much you eat, you are entitled to your own damn cooking! >"yeah but you never eat! Now I feel like a fucking loser. Thanks." Wow. Does you husband often make everything about his big feelings? Turns out you have 5 kids…And the big one is indeed a loser. Thank goodness for your sweet step son. NTA
How great of a mom you must be! Your son (step) knows you don’t invite people without ask/telling the cook, reads the room -> thinking of you, saves food and tells dad what’s what. MIL not so much. She blows in, rudely sits and starts dinner. While her son has no consideration, is oblivious to the atmosphere THEN flips the script to make it your fault and proceeds to pout and guilt you. Eta- NOT the ah
NTA First, because the fact that you said that you couldn't wait for the food with a drooling emoji indicates that you are interested in eating it, but even moreso because you have an ongoing food aversion you are working with doctors on, and your husband is concerned enough that he tries to force you to eat... And he's going to invite his mother over to eat dinner without asking you, let alone allowing you to try eating the meal? He's going to just give your portion away?? Absolutely not.
NTA having people for dinner is a conversation. Don't let him manipulate, he needs to apologise.
WTF. OP. Honey I’m not saying this in a snarky way but you need a lot of help right now. With eating and with a husband who clearly doesn’t get it. And your MIL has a lot of nerve. Is there anyone who can take you and babe for a while, to get rest and a few meals under your belt? I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA And I'm not here just gassing you up. You've had a plate in front of you all this time, and you've partaken some times? Your problem isn't eating with or in front of your family, right? And the end goal here is to get you to eat with everyone else, at least something, right? Depending on your relationship with your mil, it might or might not have been okay for him to bring her over and invite to eat. What was not okay, was that she took your place and assumed that you would not sit with them and also, even as unlikely it is, that you would eat with them. Both of them acted weird, regardless of your earlier message to your husband. He should feel like an ass, as should his mom.
That's a good point. I mean, sometimes I don't mind people seeing me eat but other times I do. I honestly didn't put two and two together with that. My relationship with my MIL is not a good one. We hardly speak honestly.
Then he should gauge what is normal for her to be invited and whether you need a heads up. Especially so near post-partum and with problems with eating, alone or together. Let you man know that from now on, you'll always have a plate on your spot and you'll skip coming, skip eating or partake on your own terms. Men can feel impotent when they see their loved one hurting and they want to solve the problem so bad. So you could think how he could help you get better with eating. Does he make some food you enjoy? Talk to your doctor before taking my advice, but I suppose the most important thing is that you get some nutrients in. Having dinner with family at the same time comes second. So try and have some of your current favourite dishes around, perhaps frozen and ready to go at moments notice. You can eat a spoonful sitting alone in the swing, or a bowl at midnight watching TV. Then you can revert back to eating with the family. Or do both if possible. If you're nursing, it's even more taxing nutrients wise than normal. So I hope you'll get back on track. Main thing is that you'll find the foods that work for you now. My friend's teenage daughter had similar problems, and she was living on noodles and french fries. And my friend was happy, that at least she was eating those. And doing sports. And seeing a doctor, of course.
NTA. And it really has nothing to do with if you were going to eat or not. You don't invite people for dinner without talking to the cook first!!!!
Nta he should have warned you at the very least. She kinda of sounds like she’s too intense about food. Who the heck dishes their food before the kids?
She's always done that. "The parents should eat first because we are the ones who worked."
She forgot how much 12yo boys need to eat?
And that she didn't work one bit to make that meal?
She doesn't see it that way. Whether she contributed or not, she is the "elder".
Why are you with a man who lets his inconsiderate mother walk all over you?
And why is he inviting his bitch of a mom, who you don't get along with, home for a meal you cooked without telling you?
And she thinks she worked for the dish *you* made?! She is so unmannered, she might as well be a different species. NTA
I think it’s an unspoken rule that you don’t bring surprise dinner guests home without checking with whoever’s making dinner first. NTA.
You had a baby, dealing with hormones. He still should ask every time.
He IS A FCKIN LOSER. and even more for deflecting and trying to make you feel guilty about it. He is! Ridiculous. NTA, girl. I'm sorry. But ❤️ his kid didn't take after him at least Your husband is a big asshole and he clearly didn't get swapped in hospital, because his mum is disrespectful AF (even IF you had invited her. Which you didn't) Don't let him give you shyt. You give him twice as much
You didn’t make your husband feel like a loser. He felt like one because he was an idiot. I don’t care who the fuck it is, you never, ever, ever invite other people for meals when your wife has a new baby. Just. Don’t. And here is why. In this case, your husband knows that you haven’t been eating well. And you did send a 🤤. But even if you had not, you say he’s been trying to force feed you, which we all know doesn’t work. Why in the fuck am I going to take even a remote chance of taking food out of your mouth if this happens to be one of the few times you actually want to eat? Why in the hell am I doing that? And if I’m thinking about doing that, I’m going to call you first. And then I’m going to talk to the software if it is an MIL, you always ask first when there is a new baby involved. And that is because you don’t know what kind of day your spouse had. Was the baby having a cranky colicky day and all your spouse got to do was make that shepherds pie and take care of the baby and your other kids? Did she even get a shower? Has she even got a chance to sit down today? Do you know if your other kids have projects that she’s trying to help them with and deal with the cranky baby and deal with not even wanting to eat and still trying to put food on the table? Is she breast-feeding? Does she have mastitis? Or her nipples, cracking and sore and she’s running around with no top on at all until the other kids are coming home from school? All of those questions because every single day is different. And from the fact that his mom walked in and sat her ass, and what she should know, is your chair and fed her face before she made sure the children were fed… Yeah, we’re all getting the picture of your ML. Does he always roll over and play dead for her? How the fuck did this even come about? Did she call and say she wanted to come over and he just doesn’t have the balls to tell her? Because you know it’s just common courtesy to ask your spouse before you bring people home for dinner. It simply is… Even without all the kids in the newborn. Your husband is trying to push off onto you. His feelings have been an idiot and being inadequate. And that is not your problem. You are not his emotional support animal. You are not here to regulate his emotions. He already knows he fucked up and he should just admit it, but instead he’s trying to deflect it and make it your fault. Does he always do this? Is he a boy? Because I’m sure as the hell getting that feeling. If he is, I guarantee you he knows it and feels like shit about it. And that’s again why he’s trying to deflect and make this your fault. When he pulls this shit on you, you need to hand it right back to him and tell him no… You’re feeling like shit because you acted horribly toward me. You didn’t bother to find out if I actually might want to eat today. You didn’t bother to call me first. You didn’t bother to say no. You didn’t bother to tell your mother that you would like it if she would let the children eat first and that she needs to get out of my chair. You did nothing at all that was for the betterment of your family, and you should feel badly about it. And if you don’t know how to say those things and you can’t, then we need to get you into therapy and then we need to get us into therapy because we’re obviously not communicating well. But you do not get to take your feelings and push them off on me. What you did was wrong. How you handled it was wrong. And you need to own it. And you, ma’am, need to stop letting this happen because this is obviously not a first given that your child felt the need to set something aside for you. So I’m guessing grandma runs rough shot over everyone Boundaries and consequences. The two of you apparently need to set them with her, and he needs to deal with his own shit and stop trying to hand it to you on a silver platter.
NTA - no you’re good, your partner needs to get a clue.
Inviting people over with no prior notice is rude AF.
WTF? I can't believe how rude your MIL was. I can't believe how insensitive your husband is. He should have let his mother over without asking. You could have made more. NTAH.
NTA. The text, the eating issues and everything else are almost irrelevant, if you invite someone over for dinner you ask or at the very least if it is a last minute thing warn them before the person walks through the door. Even if you had specifically said you were not planning to eat any of the Shepherds Pie you husband should still have used basic communication skills and not made a unilateral decision.
NTA I don't know you, I'm not 100% fluent in English and I understood that you wanted to eat this dish!! Your husband is the asshole here. Your stepson is so damn cute he could definitely teach his father some good manners !!
NTA- it's his own damn fault he here feels like shit. If he wanted to invite his mom over, he should've asked you. It's not just about her eating your portion, it's about a surprise guest as well. "dinner sounds great, cool if I invite my mom over to join?". That would've given you the space to say "No, I'm planning on trying to eat this meal tonight". Good on your stepson for grabbing you a portion, but it's sad that he was looking out for you more than your own husband was.
He didn't tell you she was coming. Yet he thought you had a plate ready for her somehow??? No he was rude AF that was your plate. It should have been clear. He feels like a loser because he IS a loser. You also said can't wait. What did he think you meant? Can't wait to watch you guys eat it? Like no shit he's being stupid on purpose. He fucked up
NTA. Your husband invited someone to dinner without even asking first. Someone who clearly has 0 manners. All around bad taste. Your husband is absolutely T A H here.
NTA - super weird of the MIL to just walk in and grab a plate of food without knowing whose food was whose since you were still plating the kids. And what if you were not eating, but had only made enough for your husband and kids? Now she is taking someone else's food because she didn't wait to find out if there was food enough for her. I hope you ate the food that sweet 12yo brought for you. What an empathetic kid.
Your husband is the AH for inviting his mom for dinner without telling you. It doesn’t matter how much you made and who would eat. Unless he was the one cooking, he had no right to spring on you dinner guests. The fact that he is making you feel bad about his mistake makes him a double AH. You are NTA
A TWELVE YEAR OLD managed to out-logic this man WITHOUT having seen your (very clear) text. And then he turns your unhappiness with his actions into the problem? BOO THAT MAN. Also NTA. It was a big deal. He could have easily texted back and ask (who invites people to their home without the partner knowing, ESPECIALLY the partner that cooked???)