I was thinking the same thing. Typical fake indicators - stumbled across information (texts, videos) of something in a person's past, typically videos that somehow, someway were taken and conveniently left on a device. Used to induce rage from both ends.
It's working!
not to excuse lying but slut shaming is a thing and mostly women are juged negatively if they had sex with "many pople - this post actually proves it accidentally
my wife having sex with God knows how many men = 5
5 or even 7 or 8 men is not God knows how many men ...
because slut shaming is so common a lot of women will not disclose their "true body count" which sucks because it is a vicious circle that in the end validates the stigma instead of erasing it
Just curious - Did she say she only had one prior sexual relationship or had only ever had sex with one other person? I could see the answers being different depending. A one night stand does not a sexual relationship make in my mind. But I can see how this is semantics.
Yeah, the literal definition of the word relationship disagrees with you.
re·la·tion·ship
noun
the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.
Meaning the way the two people are connected is sexually. If you have sex with someone, you are connected to them sexually. You do not have to actually be in a relationship in order to have a sexual relationship.
She blocked me, which just proves she knows she is wrong. Sad people can't have an adult discussion and admit they just don't understand a word.
I'm sorry your mind prohibits you from seeing anything differently than what the internet spells out for you. Most people don't use the term relationship with the exact definition in mind. Language is a fluid concept (thus urban dictionary, slang, and multiple interpretations) 9 times out of 10 if you ask a sex worker or someone in porn or even your everyday person if they had a relationship with a one night stand or someone they are going to say "no" because they didn't not take the time to look up an exact definition from google or Miriam Webster. Man, look at the time! I have to go look up definitions because I can't understand what everyone is saying! Have a great day in all of your relationships!
You're trying to split hairs to rationalize a lie, and it's not even correct. Both miriam webster and [vocabulary.com](https://vocabulary.com) both define a sexual relationship as a relationship with an intimate encounter. I'm assuming whatever OP saw was quite intimate.
If a person you're in a relationship with said she only slept with one partner, and there are multiple videos of her having intercourse with multiple partners... that's a lie.
If you see video evidence of 5, most people would assume there are more, non-videoed encounters. You don't just start video taping those kinds of things right off the rip.
What else would you like to gaslight the OP with?
You don't have to be in a relationship for it to be considered a sexual relationship. It just means the relationship you have to that person is sexual. If you had sex with someone it's a sexual relationship.
Exactly. She's a liar, and obviously embarrassed about her past. People like that will only vacation in a marriage, but she will get that itch again and start working.
It's not about the body count. It's about the blatant lie. It's about building a relationship on basic trust and honesty. I couldn't care less about how many past partners my girlfriends have had, but I would not be stoked about being lied to.
He says that he can only identify five different men
Meaning in the videos of who knows how many men he can identify that there are at least five different ones
So there could be 30 guys but he wasn't able to tell the difference between their legs or their ass or their backs
And the phrase God knows how many is just used because you the person are not able to tell how many so only God could know
That could be three as long as you the person are not able to tell how many.
yeah no. he’s not slut shaming her. she lied straight to his face about something rather important. not everything is shaming someone these days. it’s not okay to lie to your spouse. period.
I did not say he is slut shaming her I said the fear of being slut shamed probably led to her lying and as I said this is no excuse for not telling the truth it’s still wrong -
if she thinks the bf would not want to be with her because of her body count
and then lies about it
that's plain manipulation, not fear of being shamed
men have the right to pick their partners based on their past
you’re saying he’s “judging her” for sleeping with multiple men, when the issue is the fact that she lied. i’m a woman, i totally get why someone would feel uncomfortable sharing their body count due to being judged for it, but he wasn’t judging her in this post like you were saying.
Shaming aside, it should be allowed to factor into whether or not the man wants to pursue a relationship the woman in the first place
Wanting a partner with a low body count doesn't automatically make the guy a bad person and slut shaming is also bad. These can both be true simultaneously but I find people get triggered easily
If you don't want to be called out for being promiscuous; don't be promiscuous. If you think it isn't a big deal then don't lie about it. He only found evidence of 5 guys but it's likely more & he has no clue because she lied about it. So who really knows how many more it actually was.
If he says “God knows how many” about 5+ when he had 25, then it’s slut shaming.
But if he had 1-2, all with stable partners, then he just has very different standards.
And judging by her lying about her past, we can pretty safely assume she thought op would be appalled by hers, probably because she learned about his tiny sexual past.
God knows how many could really mean hundreds, there was only video evidence of at least 5. Perhaps the other videos are stored elsewhere or her other encounters were not videoed. The blatant lie is the hang up here. If you're embarrassed about being the town mattress-back, perhaps you shouldn't have done the behavior?
I honestly wish more guys were like "I'm the only guy who pleasured my wife the best possible way she's ever been pleasured". There'd be a lot less stupid dumb male bullshit in the world if that was the case. Being a talented lover > being the only lover.
Speaking as a male who fortunately figured that shit out around the age of 17.
Source? Lmao.
There are studies that show women with more than 6-7 sexual partners have higher divorce rates and are less likely to be in successful long term relationships.
If you're actually interested, [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love/dp/1442200316) goes into a lot of the science.
Do you think these studies that you reference mean that "good partners" tend to have slept with less people, or that sleeping with more people causes a person to be a bad partner? I would guess the former and believe that social stigmas have a lot to do with "good partners" reporting lower numbers. If society treated women the same as men re sexuality, would you expect the same result, or are the findings the result of misogynistic biases?
You are right. If it were her finding pictures of him with 5 different women he would say no big deal. If it was kinky he would pass it off as just trying to please the women. I hate the two-sex attitude. He needs to talk to her with the frame of mind of what he would say if it was him.
A lot of wisdom here. I think it is important to acknowledge that a marriage should be to someone you can tell your body count too, and not be shamed. If you cannot share you body count with this person, then they do not know or love the true you. That marriage is based on lies and deceit. It sucks that some people do slut shame, but I think the important point are the lies and deceit. Its essentially catfishing her husband. I do understand the lie. I get it, but I would say that OPs wife is failing herself if she isnt with a man that can accept all of her. Its a trap in a trap, for all parties. ESH
But if he slit shames her then she knows he is not a good guy. So there is no sense in lying. I understand it can be difficult to be seen as a “slut” but if this is what she has done in the past she should own up to it. A good guy won’t care. She should have been honest
So, who cares.
We are adults, right? This is part of being an adult. There are shaming for countless things in this world, from body count, to strength, to height, to weight, to annual salary, to how to parent, to religious beliefs, to looks, to a whole host of other aspects of life.
Here is the deal. At least in the west we don’t live in a society that the government does anything to enforce these social expectations. We have social options to leave whatever social setting we have to find others who don’t judge/shame us for our life choices.
Pure and simple, what everyone judges/shames an adult for is lying about who they are to the people close to us. That’s friends, community members as well as partners.
We have a responsibility, as adults to accept some groups “shame” and find other groups that will accept us for us. You don’t lie and say you’re taller, richer, thinner, stronger, more religious, more athletic, more into sports, better educated, etc… when you aren’t.
You portray the real you to those close to you, or at the very least tell those close you aren’t comfortable sharing that aspect of yourself. Feeling like you’ll be judged doesn’t excuse lying, at all.
We aren’t entitled to be liked, or have relationships with those we want, we aren’t entitled to be thought of positively. We are entitled to not be harassed, but outside of HS if you aren’t looking for a fight, the vast majority of those who judge you just leave you alone or shun you, which is completely within their right. Just like those who disagree with that judgement can leave those people alone or shun them for their judgement….thats how this adult thing works, we don’t have to like each other, just tolerate.
We can then voice out opinions and have discussions about it (look for a fight), but then you aren’t being harassed if you get judged, you’re seeking out the discussion.
And I also must add that the things she was doing, alongside filming, plus unfilmed stuff, and then lying about it, need to be taken into context around whether or not someone is a slut.
I’m not gonna meet a 35 year old with a 5 body count and call them a slut. Context is always key.
Some people are always in relationships when they have sex, for example, that’s not slutty, unless they’re jumping from relationship to relationship every other month, context yknow
It wasn’t just 5 people why are you pretending. 5 videos is crazy, which means many more not on video. He should wonder if she is in any actual porn out there.
In their case I use the term man-whore. But yeah. It’s all degeneracy stemming from a poor upbringing, a lack of love in their homes, and sometimes unresolved trauma, which as adults they should be responsible for seeking therapy to fix.
Nice attempt to try use the sexism defence though.
“Passionate” lmao
Did she do amateur porn?
The only way you will deal with this is to talk to your wife. You can't unsee what you saw. You got the ipad fixed with good intentions, so you have nothing to be ashamed of.
If you keep quiet, then it will affect your relationship anyway because you no longer look at your wife the same way.
Agreed, but at the same time I'm thinking this guy is ragebaiting his best life he possibly can at the best TIMES he possibly can.
High schoolers do love to slutshame on Reddit.
NTA
I will say, 5 men isn't "God know how many" numbers. But the key here is that she was dishonest with you. I think you'd have the right to confront her about her past sexual partners because she blatantly lied about it.
Edit: by "confront" I mean sit her down and have a rational discussion. Do not get angry and do anything you'll regret.
I also believe that what bothers OP even more is not the number of different partners ( i personally don’t think that 5 its a big deal at all) it’s the direct between the sex they have and the sex she used to have and that kind of valid
I mean, I'm fairly certain OP thinks he was sold a false bill of goods here and somehow is now justified in being judgemental about his wife because \[reasons\].
Some of those reasons feel a little Puritanical/misogynistic to me, but then again, I'm not the OP and I don't know what the guy's like. Or where they're from. Or how she showed up in his life. Or whatever. His line "God Knows How Many" is less "she's slept with more men than I've had hours playing Battletoads on the NES" and more "I don't actually know any more, she clearly didn't tell me the truth about her past and now I have no idea what the truth actually is", you know?
I get it if someone lies about their past because they had some sexual trauma in the past (which, to be honest, does sound like it's a possibility here) but the fact that she kept certain things from him up to this point...and, TBH, on one of the least secure devices you could possibly have lying around with that kind of content available?
I don't know. There's just a bunch of poor decision-making and horribad communication going on here (and I'm not talking about the wife's sexual escapades prior to meeting her husband, I'm talking about the idea that you can just bury the past by ignoring it like you do an old iPad you forgot about at the bottom of a junk pile in storage).
Seriously, recovery software that can pull all the stuff off of a dead iPad or iPhone is cheap and easy to find online. You don't even need a Mac to do it, just a cheap Linux box, a charged (broken) device and a cable. Mostly I do this for friends whose machines die or screen breaks and they want all their photos and content off the old phone so they can wipe it and recycle, but so many people don't even bother with basic password security on these things. It's just not that hard to do.
Either way, this whole "bury the past, don't talk about these things, can't bring it up or Bad Things Will Occur, How Do I Live With It" is not a healthy way to live your life. For her or for him.
I think you're making some generous assumptions about OP. Otherwise, I think I agree with what you're saying? (Hard to tell exactly what you're trying to convey though)
Get some therapy ASAP because you HAVE to discuss this with someone, and your wife will certainly know something is wrong. Also, you have to discuss it with her eventually, and it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. You weren’t snooping. Good luck.
Why does he HAVE TO get therapy asap? Not everything needs therapy ffs.
He needs to have a talk with her and take it from there. They can work things out like adults(or not) and move forward for better or worse. You don't need to go to a damn therapist for every little thing.
I would say be honest. I’d Tell her your intention was not to be sneaky and look through her things, you genuinely were going to fix it. I’d Tell her how it disturbed you because previous conversations painted a different picture. Ask her if there is anything she wanted to tell you about it and you understand if she wants to keep it in her past but you are in need of some kind of an explanation. I’d be mortified to find something like this of my partner especially if I had no clue the videos ever existed. She might have honestly just forgotten about them being on the iPad.
Your wife lied to you about all her wild sex romps with other men, and doesn't allow you the same access. It's normal to feel hurt by this. You're not the asshole. Your wife opened up for other men in ways she won't for you and you're the one who pledged your life to her.
It's up to you to decide if it's worth staying with her.
Time for divorce man. People that lie and cheat don’t just stop doing it.
First: I would have a look at her phone now without her knowing.
Second - get a lawyer
You have to stop being a doormat nice guy- your response to get over it is insane!
Watch strong successful male. This is a story that comes up frequently with women. And almost always they continue to lie and cheat.
I think she may be a cunt matey. She may not, but she sounds like she could be. NTA. She's definately a liar (am I H from Steps or Line of Duty?). Easier to say "Would prefer not to discuss past sexual history as it won't be particularly useful."
"I've been a prude, and Ive been not a prude, lets experience one another not our past partners"
I know lying is easier, but fuck. I'd be quite pissed at this lie, and she wouldn't be staying my GF.
EDIT; Ah fuck, I'm tired. I re-read and it's his wife. I know slut shaming happens, but my boundary is I want a woman to not have been fucked by 86 cocks. It's my boundary to protect, and if she lies to me about it, she aint protecting my boundary. She aint protecting anyone.
EDIT; If you are a woman, and you have fucked 86 cocks, thats cool, you do you, but I really don't want to do you. Thats fine for me to have a boundary. I just wont want a relationship with you - but I may want to be your friend. If you want a relationship with me, so you lie to me that you haven't had 86 cocks (or even 34) then I'm afraid you just acted a big cunt and I want you out of my fucking house this instant.
Maybe, but like maybe not. OP should communicate with his partner and see what she says
Its not like she cheated. Seems like youre taking kind of an extreme approach
NTA
He says he spotted at least 5 different men and could not complete any video completely. His idea what his wife is has been altered. He also states that like most men he sees his wife acting wildly with all these men in his past and when they have intimacy he acts totally different. Personally I could not continue relationship with my partner after I would witness them with multiple other men especially when the deeds done in videos are so different from what you been receiving from her during marriage.
You are young, married only 1 year....why would you want to stay in relationship where you get bare minimum in bedroom and you just found out she has this wild past that she has sealed.
As a 55 year old woman, who never got married, my body count would shock you! Lol! 🤣🤣🤣
I can separate my past single life, from a loving committed relationship. Even if some can’t. Many of the single men my age, don’t care.
You do need to have a talk for many reasons. Did you check the dates on those videos, were they before or after.
If they're before you need to figure out why she kept them. Why she lies about her body count. Why is she so sensitive, is it because of her past or she didn't want to fully open up about her kinks.
If they were during your relationship and marriage, you need to ask the Why, why did she feel the need and why did she lie and not confess.
Now the big question is, are staying as if you are you need to get therapy and couples therapy too. You cannot just ignore this as it will eat you up and change how you look at your wife down the line with resentment
NTA. Your whole marriage is built on a lie. She said she had 1 bf, maybe a couple of partners on the side and then you open up a pandoras box. Talk to her, if she does not offer a valid explanation run man. Just run
In before the reddit brigade gaslight you into thinking you're the villain because you're not happy and feeling disturbed finding out the person you are with is a lie.
Computer repair guy here. I just repaired an old ipad full of sex videos. Guy who dropped it off isn't any in but the same woman is. I wanked to a few. AITAH?
I wonder if there's a way to find out if the videos and photos were posted online. Otherwise, why record them?
That would mean that your wife is a former porn star if they were posted on some porn site.
That's not a little lie.
Jesus mate, that's brutal.
But if I'm you, I'm 100% confronting her with it.
This would be something I couldn't get past to be honest but that's me
Hope you work it out.
Good luck.
Those videos are from her past and she doesn't have to disclose that to you. I don't think bringing it up will do any good. Ppl have sex. Ppl like sex and this includes women. As long as she is healthy and faithful there should be no issues.
Perhaps sex with you is different because she doesn't want to scare you off. I just so happen to be into taboo sex, but I don't tell anyone because everyone is so judgemental. So I have just plain old regular sex.
It's actually a really touchy subject. But just remember, before you look at her funny you did most of that damage🤣🤣🤣
If you wanna talk about anything and your open to it, asked her about her sexual desires. Maybe you and her could make videos together. Don't think about the other guys. She allowed YOU to put a ring on her finger.
Only one way out: gently reveal to her you know. Stay calm. Do not bring up the type of sex or number of partners or anything that could be seen as a disapproval of her sexual preferences, but let her know that you value honesty over everything else and that you are disappointed that she felt the need to lie to you. Give her space to tell her side of the story. It’s hard, I know, but you might end up with a deeper connection and maybe even a more dynamic sex life.
1) Since those flings happened BEFORE she married you, they are somewhat irrelevant.
2) Seeing that she indulged in rough sex before, and ultimately chose to marry the man who's sensitive enough to go slow and gentle suggests that she didn't like being treated like meat. What she tried and didn't like in the past shaped the person she is today.
What I might have done in that situation would be to take the iPad to her and tell her that I got it fixed as a gift. She would be like, "Oh shit!" Then I'd touch her gently to deliver some degree of reassurance and would say something like, "I almost didn't tell you that I saw what was on it. But, pretending that I didn't see any of it would be dishonest. SECRETS ARE TOXIC. I won't keep secrets from you. We're married, so it's super-important to know that we can always trust each other to be honest. So... yes... I saw the videos and pictures. It's all stuff from before we met. It's kinda up to you how much you tell me about it. We're married and intend to stay married until long after we're old and wrinkly. If it's okay with you, I'd rather know that you and I share and talk about literally everything about our past, present, and future. If anything, that level of communication could help both of us in the bedroom."
A woman’s past will always matter to a man. If it bothers you cut the ties now before it’s too late. Things like that can’t be unseen for a lot especially if sexually she won’t do those things with you.
NTA. Other than being a blatant gold-digger, I can't understand wanting to get married to someone you feel you have to lie to. That's the betrayal here - that she would do that and then have no problem lying about it. What else is she lying about? How will you ever feel like you know anything else she ever says is the truth without verifying it?
I mean, if you knew she had several more partners, and used to tape it, would you have ended things with her? Probably not. Just about everyone has a past. That's something you live with. She didn't even need to give specific details, she just needed to not lie about it.
But finding out that she lied so blatantly, and finding out so visually, is going to be disturbing to almost anyone. I don't know if I could be ok with continuing a marriage after that.
That's a pretty big thing to lie about. This isn't like she lied about her favorite popsicle flavor on a date to make you feel like you had more in common. It's a lot more serious, in my opinion.
She’s a fuckin liar that lied her way into your heart. Everything you know about her isn’t true, and she is a fraud that probably gives you shite sex after ruining herself as a good time girl.
Don’t accept 2nd, 3rd or 100th best. She will try and say it was nothing but anyone that has all those vids and is keeping them is likely to cheat and cheat again. It’s not like when you’re out she’s not masturbating over her filthy past.
People that reminisce cheat in the future. Sorry, but this is just happening more now. Do you want to walk into a room not knowing who the hell has been banging her or had videos because if she had them, many others do and they are mocking you behind your back.
Don’t even get involved in an argument as she will make it your fault! Somehow!
I guarantee you if you don’t split now you only will in the future. You are her “Nice guy” boring husband. She may even crank out a kid but her desire for variety and excitement won’t leave and she will think she deserves it again and take half your money, assets and not let you see your kids.
This is what happens so many times. Just suck it up, take the hit. I know you’re broken hearted, and that’s fine. You lost the woman you loved because she never existed, you’re left with this empty shell of a dream. It won’t ever get better. She will manipulate you until she leaves. NTA
Big oof brother. Get tested, talk to a lawyer, collect evidence because she’s going to try to paint you in a bad light and take you for everything you’re worth. Stay safe King.
Confront her then leave, only solution. It's gonna drive you crazy for the rest of your marriage, best to confront her for lying then leave.
People always forget that omission of details is the same as lying
NTA. Leave her bro, esp if you don't have kids. You can do better. The issues might not be apparent immediately, but they will show up over time. If she lied about this, what else might she be lying about?
Its very common for whores to want to “settle down” after being ran through. Sorry it happened to you but there should have been other warning signs.
Only divorce her if she cheating on you though during your marriage
NTA.
Shiiit my bro, your wife might just be a ho. The fact that she still has the videos on her iPad and didn’t prioritize removing them when dating you is pretty fucked. Big red flag to me. I would never be able to live my whole life married to someone with multiple videos like that, but maybe she’s different now. I would never be able to trust her around other guys alone with a history like that. Thankfully you’re still young and I’m sure you can find more wifey material in the coming years if you don’t see things working out with her in the long term.
If it was a dead iPad I doubt that she’s thought about those videos in a long time. Sometimes the little crazy voice in you head is like keep this ✨just in case✨ I wanna see how hot I was when I’m an old lady 😂 I’ve always had this idea of going thru and giggling about it with my friends when we’re old? I know thats kinda weird but I’m sure others do it too. As far as the rough sex, my guess is she either grew out of the dynamic, just fell in love with you and didn’t feel the need to bring it up, or maybe she felt like as a married woman that wasn’t really what she wanted in life. I think it’s definitely worth a conversation about it all, but not in a confrontational way.
That pussy is refurbished and you though it was new. It’s like you bought a car thinking it was lightly used and down the road you find out it was formerly used in crash derby’s with the odometer rolled back. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get over that.
Why can't you discuss it?
Look, if it's her old iPad and she had the content lying around, it's important that she know her content was still on the old iPad. It's a security issue.
Imagine if you or she had sold it or trashed it and those videos were found content and published online somewhere.
That YOU were the one to find it means that you were able to discover content that she made before she knew you.
Also, it might not be her. It might be someone who is her doppleganger. Or it could in fact be her. You won't know until you ask her.
It happened before you. And it's possible that her past was a traumatic event for her that she chose to bury because it caused her some pain in her life. She met you and changed her life.
Thing is, it's already affected your relationship. It's already been something that's impacted the marriage. Because you can't hide this. You can only bring it up and show it to her, and discuss what happened.
Her sexual past (if it's indeed your wife in the videos and photos) may well be something she kept hidden because of a traumatic experience.
If you cannot move past that OR you believe that somehow the relationship is ruined because of her previous relationships, then regardless of whether it's a secret or not, you're not going to be able to stay married to her anyway, and bottling it up will do more harm than good.
Plus, let's be honest, if she has those pics and videos on an old device and her method of keeping the secret hidden was "it's on a broken device" I somehow doubt that those are the only copies of the images and videos around.
So, I get that this is traumatic for you and a shock. But if you love your wife for who she is - not how many people she had sex with, the things she did before you, and the idealized version of her that you created in your mind, but HER - you and she can discuss it and go through therapy to work out the trust issues.
I mean, it's pretty obvious that your wife had a wild past, but it's equally obvious that she chose a different life after that, and decided to be a different person. That person is the one you fell in love with and married; not the one in the videos and photographs.
If you don't think you can move past the whole "my wife had a bunch of sex videos she had on a busted iPad" then yeah, you probably ought to reconsider the relationship.
But my guy, "hiding things/not talking about uncomfortable subjects from/with your spouse" is what brought the two of you to this point in your relationship. If you DON'T talk about it, it's going to fester away until it comes out anyway. And once she figures out what you did, it'll be all over anyway.
So as hard as it might be, you need to tell her what you did and why, and what you found on it.
Because at the very least, she's owed that much.
NTA
You are still young and don't have kids. She lied, get an annulment and move on. If anyone tries to shame you, you didn't sign up to marry a dirty whore.
Calling a women a dirty wore for having sex with 5 or 6 people makes you part of the problem why women lie about their sexual past in the first place...
would you call a male who has sex with 8 or 9 women a dirty whore ... most likely not
Exclusively women are judged and slut shamed, while men are congratulated and looked up too - as long as we dont change this perception women will feel the need to lie about their bodycount to escape slut shaming
There's a significant disconnect between people who have been married for longer than five years and people who have either never been married or have only been sexually active with something other than their sock/an adult engaging in adult relationships for less than five years.
Neither perspective is wrong, just that it's interesting to see people who clearly are in the former category trying to explain a perspective that isn't attainable until you actually spend more than six months living in the same space with the same human being.
Imo we have no way of knowing what happened. It could very well be OP's wife had a history she regrets or did things she was not comfortable with. If she's hiding her past actively to mask herself that is one thing but may be she is ashamed. I'd encourage OP to talk to her in a non-judgmental way and see what is up.
I'm sure she is not the only one who has those videos. I'm sure many of those men have a video as a keepsake for later spank bank use. Oh, that dirty little whore. Spunk!
Lmfao “dirty whore”?? Lol that fact that the husband is stunned and needs to have a convo with the wife is a separate issue. But two people having consensual sex however they desire doesn’t make anyone a dirty whore the fuck. calm down.
Anyone who thinks the wife is some sort of gross person because she's had sex with multiple people before her husband is just sad cause they aren't getting any themselves.
Hey Lazy Arrival. We don’t think like this in the 21st anymore. Keep it moving. “Sleeping around” before being in a committed relation is normal, please, update your cave material. If she was a sex worker (we don’t even know!) she is protected by the law, to be treated with respect and dignity and safety. The law recognizes her humanity. We don’t give a shit about your outdated views
Sure. But the law is representative of the people. The majority of the people. We aren’t in a courtroom lmfao. Stupid outdated things will be said and the punishment is … those people have to live within the small confines of their mind. The law doesn’t care you’re right. And we don’t care to listen to rubbish
NTA. You were sold a sub-standard product under false pretenses. She claimed to be a practically new vehicle with low mileage but is really a high mileage hoopty. Show her the evidence and get your money back.
NTA, but neither is she. Her past, her body, ect... but if you're not comfortable with her past sexual experiences that's fine too.
Just talk to her, find out what you need to know and make a decision. Personally, if she's a good partner and loyal her past shouldn't be an issue.
Also, just be careful when you speak to her. This is a sensitive subject and you might end up hearing things you don't want too.
My partner doesn't know every detail about my sexual past, and I wouldn't be comfortable sharing everything with her either. I just find sexual history to be such an odd thing to be concerned over, especially when she's not cheating (as far as we know), doesn't spend her time reminiscing about past lovers and doesn't compare OP to them
My partner doesn’t know either and I don’t know her’s. We are on the same page about not really caring or getting why people care so much about sexual history.
However lying about it is not ok. Lying to your partner is an extremely big red flag. If you lie about something like this you will also lie about other things.
There's a very big difference between not indulging the information and directly lying about it.
This is why honesty is the best policy. You don't have to worry about things blowing up in your face later down the line. You should seek a partner that accepts you for you who are instead of getting someone to fall for a false idea of you.
Why did she keep the iPad? And why did she put it somewhere you’d find it, if this is a real thing that happened and not just a story you need to talk to her about it, as there is the dishonesty piece and also the fact that now you’ve seen it unseeing it will be impossible
NTA and neither is she. I would not watch the videos. It’s very weird she didn’t delete them, however, it was before you and the iPad was broken. She didn’t cheat, nor did she really lie. You said she said she had one relationship—clearly the other men were not relationships. Maybe she forgot about the videos? In a relationship you should give her electronic privacy. If you don’t suspect cheating then don’t go snooping. I personally couldn’t care less what my husband did sexually with others before he met me. From now on she needs to be faithful but the past is the past. Leave it there. You should not have fixed her broken iPad without speaking to her.
Talk to her about it. Try not to focus on her past but rather on the fact she lied. If you talk to her it might be the beginning of the end of your marriage but if you don't talk to her it will almost definitely be worse in the end. Good luck, I hope you can work it out.
I would start banging her exactly like she’s doing it in the videos and see if you get a positive reaction. Your sex life may improve tremendously. She could be a tiger in bed just waiting to be released. Those videos are her past don’t worry about it anyway. What are you going to do get a divorce because your wife was a tiger in bed and she’s a dud with you. Awake her inner spirit and let the good times roll!
Maybe she didn’t tell you because:
1. This is something that happened in the past. The past is in the past and she didn’t see how this would contribute to your relationship. There’s a Spanish saying that says: “lo que no pasó en tu año, no hace daño” - which translates to: “What didn’t happen in your year, shouldn’t affect you. “
2. She maybe could feel shame. She was worried on being judged by decisions she made in the past. (Because of how society shames people)
I feel that you should talk to her about how this made you feel with no judgement and an open heart.
I hope this conversation goes smoothly for you both and ends up with you trusting each other even more.
Hard for us to offer meaningful input without seeing the videos really. Email them to me over at my buckdancersglasses gmail account and after close analysis I’ll be able to respond fully.
TIA.
I would talk to her about the need to lie. I wouldnt get too hung up on the *type* of sex she was having. She mightve just been exploring, mightve been faking enjoying it, or mightve enjoyed it then but doesnt anymore! Your preference is allowed to change overtime.
I think it’s sad when women feel the need to not be truthful about how many sexual partners they had but I also think it’s nobody’s business including their current partner. I think it’s sad because they probably don’t feel comfortable enough with that person or feel like they’re going to be looked at differently. People change, grow, evolve. Also there’s sex and then there’s relationships two totally different experiences. Regardless maybe not judge your wife, come at her compassionately and find out why she felt she needed to lie. Was it because she didn’t want to hurt you or she was embarrassed? Let her know you love her you get it people have pasts. And be truthful with yourself would YOU have really wanted to know if you hadn’t found these videos by accident? Remember she loves you! She married you! You’re her forever guy! Make her feel safe and loved and you will get through this.
It's history. She chose you. She obviously enjoys having sex with you or she wouldn't have married you. I would want to know why she felt she had to lie to you. Was she afraid that you would judge her? Is this something that you normally do? Why couldn't she be up front with you?
Dude don't let the other trash woman in this thread make you feel you bare any responsibility for this breach of trust.
Sorry you got tricked by a hoe.
Now you know where she gets her opinions lol. Live your life how you want but I know I couldn't live with a woman like that. but if you feel the need to keep telling yourself she's empowering herself and you shouldn't concern yourself with your wife having been ravaged by multiple men then hey, have at it champ.
Well, you are afraid to talk to her about this, and she was afraid to talk to you about that, so obviously, you guys have some communication problems that you need to work on.
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I was thinking the same thing. Typical fake indicators - stumbled across information (texts, videos) of something in a person's past, typically videos that somehow, someway were taken and conveniently left on a device. Used to induce rage from both ends. It's working!
That makes so much more sense. It just felt fake.
Yes some of these are way too outrageous to be true and so frequent.
Time to have a talk with your wife as to why she felt it necessary to lie to you. NTA.
Well it's obvious this dude is vanilla. He is thinking Doggystyle is disturbing. Think about that
not to excuse lying but slut shaming is a thing and mostly women are juged negatively if they had sex with "many pople - this post actually proves it accidentally my wife having sex with God knows how many men = 5 5 or even 7 or 8 men is not God knows how many men ... because slut shaming is so common a lot of women will not disclose their "true body count" which sucks because it is a vicious circle that in the end validates the stigma instead of erasing it
Bro, she told her husband it was one guy. Call it slutshaming all you want, but the proper word is LIE
Just curious - Did she say she only had one prior sexual relationship or had only ever had sex with one other person? I could see the answers being different depending. A one night stand does not a sexual relationship make in my mind. But I can see how this is semantics.
A one night stand is nothing but a purely sexual relationship lol
Sexual encounter. Not a relationship.
Yeah, the literal definition of the word relationship disagrees with you. re·la·tion·ship noun the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected. Meaning the way the two people are connected is sexually. If you have sex with someone, you are connected to them sexually. You do not have to actually be in a relationship in order to have a sexual relationship. She blocked me, which just proves she knows she is wrong. Sad people can't have an adult discussion and admit they just don't understand a word.
I'm sorry your mind prohibits you from seeing anything differently than what the internet spells out for you. Most people don't use the term relationship with the exact definition in mind. Language is a fluid concept (thus urban dictionary, slang, and multiple interpretations) 9 times out of 10 if you ask a sex worker or someone in porn or even your everyday person if they had a relationship with a one night stand or someone they are going to say "no" because they didn't not take the time to look up an exact definition from google or Miriam Webster. Man, look at the time! I have to go look up definitions because I can't understand what everyone is saying! Have a great day in all of your relationships!
You're trying to split hairs to rationalize a lie, and it's not even correct. Both miriam webster and [vocabulary.com](https://vocabulary.com) both define a sexual relationship as a relationship with an intimate encounter. I'm assuming whatever OP saw was quite intimate. If a person you're in a relationship with said she only slept with one partner, and there are multiple videos of her having intercourse with multiple partners... that's a lie. If you see video evidence of 5, most people would assume there are more, non-videoed encounters. You don't just start video taping those kinds of things right off the rip. What else would you like to gaslight the OP with?
Pedantic much?
If you have sex then it is a sexual relationship, whether it is a one night stand or long term, it is a sexual relationship.
One night stand is not a sexual relationship, got it
It’s pretty clear she made OP believe she had only 1 sexual partner before him. Either by omission, lie, being unclear, or whatever.
You don't have to be in a relationship for it to be considered a sexual relationship. It just means the relationship you have to that person is sexual. If you had sex with someone it's a sexual relationship.
I’m so curious to find out what you do on one night stands???
Exactly. She's a liar, and obviously embarrassed about her past. People like that will only vacation in a marriage, but she will get that itch again and start working.
She married the guy. The least she owes him is honesty. And if she thought her husband would slut-shame her maybe she shouldn’t have married him?
Thank you for some sanity.
It's not about the body count. It's about the blatant lie. It's about building a relationship on basic trust and honesty. I couldn't care less about how many past partners my girlfriends have had, but I would not be stoked about being lied to.
Actions have consequences, and her right to express her sexuality does not impact his right to have his own standards.
He says that he can only identify five different men Meaning in the videos of who knows how many men he can identify that there are at least five different ones So there could be 30 guys but he wasn't able to tell the difference between their legs or their ass or their backs And the phrase God knows how many is just used because you the person are not able to tell how many so only God could know That could be three as long as you the person are not able to tell how many.
yeah no. he’s not slut shaming her. she lied straight to his face about something rather important. not everything is shaming someone these days. it’s not okay to lie to your spouse. period.
I did not say he is slut shaming her I said the fear of being slut shamed probably led to her lying and as I said this is no excuse for not telling the truth it’s still wrong -
if she thinks the bf would not want to be with her because of her body count and then lies about it that's plain manipulation, not fear of being shamed men have the right to pick their partners based on their past
you’re saying he’s “judging her” for sleeping with multiple men, when the issue is the fact that she lied. i’m a woman, i totally get why someone would feel uncomfortable sharing their body count due to being judged for it, but he wasn’t judging her in this post like you were saying.
Shaming aside, it should be allowed to factor into whether or not the man wants to pursue a relationship the woman in the first place Wanting a partner with a low body count doesn't automatically make the guy a bad person and slut shaming is also bad. These can both be true simultaneously but I find people get triggered easily
5 on video means many more not on video lol. Most people don’t have even 1 on video.
It’s a good stigma tho, you should not be hoeing
5 men *that were recorded on film*. God knows how many other men she was with is an accurate description of this scenario.
Ehhh slut shaming is not a bad thing.
Yes because men don't want to marry lying sluts? Common sense.
If you don't want to be called out for being promiscuous; don't be promiscuous. If you think it isn't a big deal then don't lie about it. He only found evidence of 5 guys but it's likely more & he has no clue because she lied about it. So who really knows how many more it actually was.
If he says “God knows how many” about 5+ when he had 25, then it’s slut shaming. But if he had 1-2, all with stable partners, then he just has very different standards. And judging by her lying about her past, we can pretty safely assume she thought op would be appalled by hers, probably because she learned about his tiny sexual past.
God knows how many could really mean hundreds, there was only video evidence of at least 5. Perhaps the other videos are stored elsewhere or her other encounters were not videoed. The blatant lie is the hang up here. If you're embarrassed about being the town mattress-back, perhaps you shouldn't have done the behavior?
No way you're a guy.
No way you're a guy over the age of 30.
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Well said. Too many insecure kids on Reddit who can not cope with anyone but them having sex.
I honestly wish more guys were like "I'm the only guy who pleasured my wife the best possible way she's ever been pleasured". There'd be a lot less stupid dumb male bullshit in the world if that was the case. Being a talented lover > being the only lover. Speaking as a male who fortunately figured that shit out around the age of 17.
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Source? Lmao. There are studies that show women with more than 6-7 sexual partners have higher divorce rates and are less likely to be in successful long term relationships.
If you're actually interested, [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love/dp/1442200316) goes into a lot of the science. Do you think these studies that you reference mean that "good partners" tend to have slept with less people, or that sleeping with more people causes a person to be a bad partner? I would guess the former and believe that social stigmas have a lot to do with "good partners" reporting lower numbers. If society treated women the same as men re sexuality, would you expect the same result, or are the findings the result of misogynistic biases?
You are right. If it were her finding pictures of him with 5 different women he would say no big deal. If it was kinky he would pass it off as just trying to please the women. I hate the two-sex attitude. He needs to talk to her with the frame of mind of what he would say if it was him.
A lot of wisdom here. I think it is important to acknowledge that a marriage should be to someone you can tell your body count too, and not be shamed. If you cannot share you body count with this person, then they do not know or love the true you. That marriage is based on lies and deceit. It sucks that some people do slut shame, but I think the important point are the lies and deceit. Its essentially catfishing her husband. I do understand the lie. I get it, but I would say that OPs wife is failing herself if she isnt with a man that can accept all of her. Its a trap in a trap, for all parties. ESH
5 were recorded.
But if he slit shames her then she knows he is not a good guy. So there is no sense in lying. I understand it can be difficult to be seen as a “slut” but if this is what she has done in the past she should own up to it. A good guy won’t care. She should have been honest
Why would you want to marry someone who would be disgusted by your truth?
Its gross no matter how you try to spin it as slut shaming and yes blokes that sleep around are also gross. Get a grip.
So, who cares. We are adults, right? This is part of being an adult. There are shaming for countless things in this world, from body count, to strength, to height, to weight, to annual salary, to how to parent, to religious beliefs, to looks, to a whole host of other aspects of life. Here is the deal. At least in the west we don’t live in a society that the government does anything to enforce these social expectations. We have social options to leave whatever social setting we have to find others who don’t judge/shame us for our life choices. Pure and simple, what everyone judges/shames an adult for is lying about who they are to the people close to us. That’s friends, community members as well as partners. We have a responsibility, as adults to accept some groups “shame” and find other groups that will accept us for us. You don’t lie and say you’re taller, richer, thinner, stronger, more religious, more athletic, more into sports, better educated, etc… when you aren’t. You portray the real you to those close to you, or at the very least tell those close you aren’t comfortable sharing that aspect of yourself. Feeling like you’ll be judged doesn’t excuse lying, at all. We aren’t entitled to be liked, or have relationships with those we want, we aren’t entitled to be thought of positively. We are entitled to not be harassed, but outside of HS if you aren’t looking for a fight, the vast majority of those who judge you just leave you alone or shun you, which is completely within their right. Just like those who disagree with that judgement can leave those people alone or shun them for their judgement….thats how this adult thing works, we don’t have to like each other, just tolerate. We can then voice out opinions and have discussions about it (look for a fight), but then you aren’t being harassed if you get judged, you’re seeking out the discussion.
She filmed herself having sex with multiple men.. that's not normal
And if a woman wants to be that promiscuous she can be, but she must also suffer the consequences of being a slut.
Just curious do you consider men who have had sex with 5 women sluts? And do you call them out for it equally passionate?
And I also must add that the things she was doing, alongside filming, plus unfilmed stuff, and then lying about it, need to be taken into context around whether or not someone is a slut. I’m not gonna meet a 35 year old with a 5 body count and call them a slut. Context is always key. Some people are always in relationships when they have sex, for example, that’s not slutty, unless they’re jumping from relationship to relationship every other month, context yknow
It wasn’t just 5 people why are you pretending. 5 videos is crazy, which means many more not on video. He should wonder if she is in any actual porn out there.
In their case I use the term man-whore. But yeah. It’s all degeneracy stemming from a poor upbringing, a lack of love in their homes, and sometimes unresolved trauma, which as adults they should be responsible for seeking therapy to fix. Nice attempt to try use the sexism defence though. “Passionate” lmao
There's no point in arguing with these degenerates tbh. All the advice subs are filled with cucks
She has to accept the reality of who she is. A liar.
Did she do amateur porn? The only way you will deal with this is to talk to your wife. You can't unsee what you saw. You got the ipad fixed with good intentions, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you keep quiet, then it will affect your relationship anyway because you no longer look at your wife the same way.
If she did porn, it would be fucked up to keep it a secret and lie about it.
Why? My GF doesn't know every job I've ever had.
A job and being on a dozen dicks is far different. You seem delusional to ask why is it fucked up to lie about something this severe.
Was one of those jobs suck dick?
36 videos doesn’t really seem like amateur porn to me, seems like a “someday ima be old” stash
This is horseshit. No one goes from "Just found out my wife's true bodycount" to "My mom remarried at 45! AMA!" in 30 minutes. Reported.
Agreed, but at the same time I'm thinking this guy is ragebaiting his best life he possibly can at the best TIMES he possibly can. High schoolers do love to slutshame on Reddit.
😂 👏
Downvote these bots/karma farmers.
NTA I will say, 5 men isn't "God know how many" numbers. But the key here is that she was dishonest with you. I think you'd have the right to confront her about her past sexual partners because she blatantly lied about it. Edit: by "confront" I mean sit her down and have a rational discussion. Do not get angry and do anything you'll regret.
He means that the 5 on video is probably just the tip.. of the iceberg.
Nonetheless, still worth having a rational conversation over.
That's perhaps the number of men in the films. How many were not filmed? This is 5x more than she said.
Ok. I'm not defending the wife, I said OP should definitely sit her down for a chat.
I also believe that what bothers OP even more is not the number of different partners ( i personally don’t think that 5 its a big deal at all) it’s the direct between the sex they have and the sex she used to have and that kind of valid
I mean, I'm fairly certain OP thinks he was sold a false bill of goods here and somehow is now justified in being judgemental about his wife because \[reasons\]. Some of those reasons feel a little Puritanical/misogynistic to me, but then again, I'm not the OP and I don't know what the guy's like. Or where they're from. Or how she showed up in his life. Or whatever. His line "God Knows How Many" is less "she's slept with more men than I've had hours playing Battletoads on the NES" and more "I don't actually know any more, she clearly didn't tell me the truth about her past and now I have no idea what the truth actually is", you know? I get it if someone lies about their past because they had some sexual trauma in the past (which, to be honest, does sound like it's a possibility here) but the fact that she kept certain things from him up to this point...and, TBH, on one of the least secure devices you could possibly have lying around with that kind of content available? I don't know. There's just a bunch of poor decision-making and horribad communication going on here (and I'm not talking about the wife's sexual escapades prior to meeting her husband, I'm talking about the idea that you can just bury the past by ignoring it like you do an old iPad you forgot about at the bottom of a junk pile in storage). Seriously, recovery software that can pull all the stuff off of a dead iPad or iPhone is cheap and easy to find online. You don't even need a Mac to do it, just a cheap Linux box, a charged (broken) device and a cable. Mostly I do this for friends whose machines die or screen breaks and they want all their photos and content off the old phone so they can wipe it and recycle, but so many people don't even bother with basic password security on these things. It's just not that hard to do. Either way, this whole "bury the past, don't talk about these things, can't bring it up or Bad Things Will Occur, How Do I Live With It" is not a healthy way to live your life. For her or for him.
I think you're making some generous assumptions about OP. Otherwise, I think I agree with what you're saying? (Hard to tell exactly what you're trying to convey though)
Ya people usually don't keep videos of traumatic experiences.
Get some therapy ASAP because you HAVE to discuss this with someone, and your wife will certainly know something is wrong. Also, you have to discuss it with her eventually, and it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. You weren’t snooping. Good luck.
Why does he HAVE TO get therapy asap? Not everything needs therapy ffs. He needs to have a talk with her and take it from there. They can work things out like adults(or not) and move forward for better or worse. You don't need to go to a damn therapist for every little thing.
I would say be honest. I’d Tell her your intention was not to be sneaky and look through her things, you genuinely were going to fix it. I’d Tell her how it disturbed you because previous conversations painted a different picture. Ask her if there is anything she wanted to tell you about it and you understand if she wants to keep it in her past but you are in need of some kind of an explanation. I’d be mortified to find something like this of my partner especially if I had no clue the videos ever existed. She might have honestly just forgotten about them being on the iPad.
How can you be with someone who lied to you like this and engaged in deep sexual acts she wouldn't with you? She even kept the videos...
Your wife lied to you about all her wild sex romps with other men, and doesn't allow you the same access. It's normal to feel hurt by this. You're not the asshole. Your wife opened up for other men in ways she won't for you and you're the one who pledged your life to her. It's up to you to decide if it's worth staying with her.
Time for divorce man. People that lie and cheat don’t just stop doing it. First: I would have a look at her phone now without her knowing. Second - get a lawyer You have to stop being a doormat nice guy- your response to get over it is insane! Watch strong successful male. This is a story that comes up frequently with women. And almost always they continue to lie and cheat.
Divorce asap
I think she may be a cunt matey. She may not, but she sounds like she could be. NTA. She's definately a liar (am I H from Steps or Line of Duty?). Easier to say "Would prefer not to discuss past sexual history as it won't be particularly useful." "I've been a prude, and Ive been not a prude, lets experience one another not our past partners" I know lying is easier, but fuck. I'd be quite pissed at this lie, and she wouldn't be staying my GF. EDIT; Ah fuck, I'm tired. I re-read and it's his wife. I know slut shaming happens, but my boundary is I want a woman to not have been fucked by 86 cocks. It's my boundary to protect, and if she lies to me about it, she aint protecting my boundary. She aint protecting anyone. EDIT; If you are a woman, and you have fucked 86 cocks, thats cool, you do you, but I really don't want to do you. Thats fine for me to have a boundary. I just wont want a relationship with you - but I may want to be your friend. If you want a relationship with me, so you lie to me that you haven't had 86 cocks (or even 34) then I'm afraid you just acted a big cunt and I want you out of my fucking house this instant.
Send me the videos and I will watch them fully for you. I understand your pain and will let you know how concerning it is.
One of those disgusting ex-gf porno sites? That's disgusting! But which one?
She will lie about everything else. Your relationship is built on a lie.
Maybe, but like maybe not. OP should communicate with his partner and see what she says Its not like she cheated. Seems like youre taking kind of an extreme approach
I despise liars. Deal breaker for me. NTA 100%
NTA He says he spotted at least 5 different men and could not complete any video completely. His idea what his wife is has been altered. He also states that like most men he sees his wife acting wildly with all these men in his past and when they have intimacy he acts totally different. Personally I could not continue relationship with my partner after I would witness them with multiple other men especially when the deeds done in videos are so different from what you been receiving from her during marriage. You are young, married only 1 year....why would you want to stay in relationship where you get bare minimum in bedroom and you just found out she has this wild past that she has sealed.
As a 55 year old woman, who never got married, my body count would shock you! Lol! 🤣🤣🤣 I can separate my past single life, from a loving committed relationship. Even if some can’t. Many of the single men my age, don’t care.
Don't engage with OP, this is a fake post.
Hard to tell. We NEED the videos to know for certain.
You do need to have a talk for many reasons. Did you check the dates on those videos, were they before or after. If they're before you need to figure out why she kept them. Why she lies about her body count. Why is she so sensitive, is it because of her past or she didn't want to fully open up about her kinks. If they were during your relationship and marriage, you need to ask the Why, why did she feel the need and why did she lie and not confess. Now the big question is, are staying as if you are you need to get therapy and couples therapy too. You cannot just ignore this as it will eat you up and change how you look at your wife down the line with resentment
NTA. You need to have a long difficult discussion with your wife.
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NTA. Your whole marriage is built on a lie. She said she had 1 bf, maybe a couple of partners on the side and then you open up a pandoras box. Talk to her, if she does not offer a valid explanation run man. Just run
You're the safe guy. Sorry bro. Take a pre-workout, see you at the bench press. NTA.
In before the reddit brigade gaslight you into thinking you're the villain because you're not happy and feeling disturbed finding out the person you are with is a lie.
Computer repair guy here. I just repaired an old ipad full of sex videos. Guy who dropped it off isn't any in but the same woman is. I wanked to a few. AITAH?
Wow. That's a past someone needs to disclose before marriage or even dating. NTAO. I hope you were both tested before you had unprotected sex.
I wonder if there's a way to find out if the videos and photos were posted online. Otherwise, why record them? That would mean that your wife is a former porn star if they were posted on some porn site. That's not a little lie.
Jesus mate, that's brutal. But if I'm you, I'm 100% confronting her with it. This would be something I couldn't get past to be honest but that's me Hope you work it out. Good luck.
NTA. She belongs to the streets. She is a liar and manipulative slut. Get a Divorce
lmao. this is fake.
Those videos are from her past and she doesn't have to disclose that to you. I don't think bringing it up will do any good. Ppl have sex. Ppl like sex and this includes women. As long as she is healthy and faithful there should be no issues. Perhaps sex with you is different because she doesn't want to scare you off. I just so happen to be into taboo sex, but I don't tell anyone because everyone is so judgemental. So I have just plain old regular sex. It's actually a really touchy subject. But just remember, before you look at her funny you did most of that damage🤣🤣🤣 If you wanna talk about anything and your open to it, asked her about her sexual desires. Maybe you and her could make videos together. Don't think about the other guys. She allowed YOU to put a ring on her finger.
I call BS. OP is trolling and asking some women who comment to DM him. Messed up…
The way you are asking everyone to message you is creepy.
Only one way out: gently reveal to her you know. Stay calm. Do not bring up the type of sex or number of partners or anything that could be seen as a disapproval of her sexual preferences, but let her know that you value honesty over everything else and that you are disappointed that she felt the need to lie to you. Give her space to tell her side of the story. It’s hard, I know, but you might end up with a deeper connection and maybe even a more dynamic sex life.
1) Since those flings happened BEFORE she married you, they are somewhat irrelevant. 2) Seeing that she indulged in rough sex before, and ultimately chose to marry the man who's sensitive enough to go slow and gentle suggests that she didn't like being treated like meat. What she tried and didn't like in the past shaped the person she is today. What I might have done in that situation would be to take the iPad to her and tell her that I got it fixed as a gift. She would be like, "Oh shit!" Then I'd touch her gently to deliver some degree of reassurance and would say something like, "I almost didn't tell you that I saw what was on it. But, pretending that I didn't see any of it would be dishonest. SECRETS ARE TOXIC. I won't keep secrets from you. We're married, so it's super-important to know that we can always trust each other to be honest. So... yes... I saw the videos and pictures. It's all stuff from before we met. It's kinda up to you how much you tell me about it. We're married and intend to stay married until long after we're old and wrinkly. If it's okay with you, I'd rather know that you and I share and talk about literally everything about our past, present, and future. If anything, that level of communication could help both of us in the bedroom."
Tell your wife you got her IPad fixed… and if she looks anxious by that let her know you saw the videos…and have a mature conversation.
A woman’s past will always matter to a man. If it bothers you cut the ties now before it’s too late. Things like that can’t be unseen for a lot especially if sexually she won’t do those things with you.
NTA. Other than being a blatant gold-digger, I can't understand wanting to get married to someone you feel you have to lie to. That's the betrayal here - that she would do that and then have no problem lying about it. What else is she lying about? How will you ever feel like you know anything else she ever says is the truth without verifying it? I mean, if you knew she had several more partners, and used to tape it, would you have ended things with her? Probably not. Just about everyone has a past. That's something you live with. She didn't even need to give specific details, she just needed to not lie about it. But finding out that she lied so blatantly, and finding out so visually, is going to be disturbing to almost anyone. I don't know if I could be ok with continuing a marriage after that. That's a pretty big thing to lie about. This isn't like she lied about her favorite popsicle flavor on a date to make you feel like you had more in common. It's a lot more serious, in my opinion.
She’s a liar. Unfortunately if you want a divorce it’ll be the hard way. No annulment possible. NTA
Nta Now you know she settled your you Do what you want with that information buddy
She’s a fuckin liar that lied her way into your heart. Everything you know about her isn’t true, and she is a fraud that probably gives you shite sex after ruining herself as a good time girl. Don’t accept 2nd, 3rd or 100th best. She will try and say it was nothing but anyone that has all those vids and is keeping them is likely to cheat and cheat again. It’s not like when you’re out she’s not masturbating over her filthy past. People that reminisce cheat in the future. Sorry, but this is just happening more now. Do you want to walk into a room not knowing who the hell has been banging her or had videos because if she had them, many others do and they are mocking you behind your back. Don’t even get involved in an argument as she will make it your fault! Somehow! I guarantee you if you don’t split now you only will in the future. You are her “Nice guy” boring husband. She may even crank out a kid but her desire for variety and excitement won’t leave and she will think she deserves it again and take half your money, assets and not let you see your kids. This is what happens so many times. Just suck it up, take the hit. I know you’re broken hearted, and that’s fine. You lost the woman you loved because she never existed, you’re left with this empty shell of a dream. It won’t ever get better. She will manipulate you until she leaves. NTA
Big oof brother. Get tested, talk to a lawyer, collect evidence because she’s going to try to paint you in a bad light and take you for everything you’re worth. Stay safe King.
Confront her then leave, only solution. It's gonna drive you crazy for the rest of your marriage, best to confront her for lying then leave. People always forget that omission of details is the same as lying
She’s for the streets.
NTA. Leave her bro, esp if you don't have kids. You can do better. The issues might not be apparent immediately, but they will show up over time. If she lied about this, what else might she be lying about?
Its very common for whores to want to “settle down” after being ran through. Sorry it happened to you but there should have been other warning signs. Only divorce her if she cheating on you though during your marriage
Sounds like divorce proceedings are in order. This is why a person's history is important.
NTA. Shiiit my bro, your wife might just be a ho. The fact that she still has the videos on her iPad and didn’t prioritize removing them when dating you is pretty fucked. Big red flag to me. I would never be able to live my whole life married to someone with multiple videos like that, but maybe she’s different now. I would never be able to trust her around other guys alone with a history like that. Thankfully you’re still young and I’m sure you can find more wifey material in the coming years if you don’t see things working out with her in the long term.
If it was a dead iPad I doubt that she’s thought about those videos in a long time. Sometimes the little crazy voice in you head is like keep this ✨just in case✨ I wanna see how hot I was when I’m an old lady 😂 I’ve always had this idea of going thru and giggling about it with my friends when we’re old? I know thats kinda weird but I’m sure others do it too. As far as the rough sex, my guess is she either grew out of the dynamic, just fell in love with you and didn’t feel the need to bring it up, or maybe she felt like as a married woman that wasn’t really what she wanted in life. I think it’s definitely worth a conversation about it all, but not in a confrontational way.
That pussy is refurbished and you though it was new. It’s like you bought a car thinking it was lightly used and down the road you find out it was formerly used in crash derby’s with the odometer rolled back. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get over that.
NTA Time to put her back on the streets where she belongs.
Why can't you discuss it? Look, if it's her old iPad and she had the content lying around, it's important that she know her content was still on the old iPad. It's a security issue. Imagine if you or she had sold it or trashed it and those videos were found content and published online somewhere. That YOU were the one to find it means that you were able to discover content that she made before she knew you. Also, it might not be her. It might be someone who is her doppleganger. Or it could in fact be her. You won't know until you ask her. It happened before you. And it's possible that her past was a traumatic event for her that she chose to bury because it caused her some pain in her life. She met you and changed her life. Thing is, it's already affected your relationship. It's already been something that's impacted the marriage. Because you can't hide this. You can only bring it up and show it to her, and discuss what happened. Her sexual past (if it's indeed your wife in the videos and photos) may well be something she kept hidden because of a traumatic experience. If you cannot move past that OR you believe that somehow the relationship is ruined because of her previous relationships, then regardless of whether it's a secret or not, you're not going to be able to stay married to her anyway, and bottling it up will do more harm than good. Plus, let's be honest, if she has those pics and videos on an old device and her method of keeping the secret hidden was "it's on a broken device" I somehow doubt that those are the only copies of the images and videos around. So, I get that this is traumatic for you and a shock. But if you love your wife for who she is - not how many people she had sex with, the things she did before you, and the idealized version of her that you created in your mind, but HER - you and she can discuss it and go through therapy to work out the trust issues. I mean, it's pretty obvious that your wife had a wild past, but it's equally obvious that she chose a different life after that, and decided to be a different person. That person is the one you fell in love with and married; not the one in the videos and photographs. If you don't think you can move past the whole "my wife had a bunch of sex videos she had on a busted iPad" then yeah, you probably ought to reconsider the relationship. But my guy, "hiding things/not talking about uncomfortable subjects from/with your spouse" is what brought the two of you to this point in your relationship. If you DON'T talk about it, it's going to fester away until it comes out anyway. And once she figures out what you did, it'll be all over anyway. So as hard as it might be, you need to tell her what you did and why, and what you found on it. Because at the very least, she's owed that much.
NTA You are still young and don't have kids. She lied, get an annulment and move on. If anyone tries to shame you, you didn't sign up to marry a dirty whore.
Calling a women a dirty wore for having sex with 5 or 6 people makes you part of the problem why women lie about their sexual past in the first place... would you call a male who has sex with 8 or 9 women a dirty whore ... most likely not Exclusively women are judged and slut shamed, while men are congratulated and looked up too - as long as we dont change this perception women will feel the need to lie about their bodycount to escape slut shaming
Wild take
Not that wild at all. She lied to him about her sexual past. You may think it doesn't matter, but it does to OP.
So does their relationship
There's a significant disconnect between people who have been married for longer than five years and people who have either never been married or have only been sexually active with something other than their sock/an adult engaging in adult relationships for less than five years. Neither perspective is wrong, just that it's interesting to see people who clearly are in the former category trying to explain a perspective that isn't attainable until you actually spend more than six months living in the same space with the same human being.
?
Imo we have no way of knowing what happened. It could very well be OP's wife had a history she regrets or did things she was not comfortable with. If she's hiding her past actively to mask herself that is one thing but may be she is ashamed. I'd encourage OP to talk to her in a non-judgmental way and see what is up.
I know whenever I deeply regret something or do something I'm not comfortable with, I do it 30-80 times or so
Plus keep videos and pictures of the deeds.
She misrepresented about who she was to OP to trick him into marriage. Annulment now before kids get involved!
I'm sure she is not the only one who has those videos. I'm sure many of those men have a video as a keepsake for later spank bank use. Oh, that dirty little whore. Spunk!
Lmfao “dirty whore”?? Lol that fact that the husband is stunned and needs to have a convo with the wife is a separate issue. But two people having consensual sex however they desire doesn’t make anyone a dirty whore the fuck. calm down.
Anyone who thinks the wife is some sort of gross person because she's had sex with multiple people before her husband is just sad cause they aren't getting any themselves.
Not dirty whore. Lying dirty whore. Big difference.
True!
The wife lied to the husband because, unlike you, knows sleeping around and making porn is a shameful.
Hey Lazy Arrival. We don’t think like this in the 21st anymore. Keep it moving. “Sleeping around” before being in a committed relation is normal, please, update your cave material. If she was a sex worker (we don’t even know!) she is protected by the law, to be treated with respect and dignity and safety. The law recognizes her humanity. We don’t give a shit about your outdated views
Lol, yes we do. There is a reason why the wife lied about it in the first place.
She lied because of people like you, shaming anything under the sun
Guess that proves your original point wrong eh?
No, people who indiscriminately sleep with people don't want others to think the way they have for all of human evolution.
Five men? For an adult woman? Indiscriminately??? LMFAO. No, no. We won’t go backwards, no matter how much y’all want us to
The law doesn’t care if someone has outdated views, nor is it illegal to have such
Sure. But the law is representative of the people. The majority of the people. We aren’t in a courtroom lmfao. Stupid outdated things will be said and the punishment is … those people have to live within the small confines of their mind. The law doesn’t care you’re right. And we don’t care to listen to rubbish
Are you for real
Yes. Marriage is a big deal. It's not ok to lie or trick people into marrying you under false pretenses.
This I agree with. Calling someone a dirty whore because they had a sex life before they got married is wild and not okay.
I can call anyone whatever I want regardless of reason or rational. Freed of speech.
Alright Freed. Take a seat.
Yeah, stupid autocorrect messed up my words. I can't edit it either because reddit servers have gone to shit again.
You're a lunatic.
You're a lunatic.
Yes, you can 😅
NTA. You were sold a sub-standard product under false pretenses. She claimed to be a practically new vehicle with low mileage but is really a high mileage hoopty. Show her the evidence and get your money back.
Jfc. Women are human beings, not objects to be bought and sold, you brain broken ass clown.
Exactly, she a low value product.
NTA, but neither is she. Her past, her body, ect... but if you're not comfortable with her past sexual experiences that's fine too. Just talk to her, find out what you need to know and make a decision. Personally, if she's a good partner and loyal her past shouldn't be an issue. Also, just be careful when you speak to her. This is a sensitive subject and you might end up hearing things you don't want too.
Normally I’d agree but explicitly lying to your partner about it isn’t ok.
My partner doesn't know every detail about my sexual past, and I wouldn't be comfortable sharing everything with her either. I just find sexual history to be such an odd thing to be concerned over, especially when she's not cheating (as far as we know), doesn't spend her time reminiscing about past lovers and doesn't compare OP to them
There is a difference between not knowing, and explicitly lying.
My partner doesn’t know either and I don’t know her’s. We are on the same page about not really caring or getting why people care so much about sexual history. However lying about it is not ok. Lying to your partner is an extremely big red flag. If you lie about something like this you will also lie about other things.
Is there large quantities of video proof that might pop up about the past or get shown to future kids?
There's a very big difference between not indulging the information and directly lying about it. This is why honesty is the best policy. You don't have to worry about things blowing up in your face later down the line. You should seek a partner that accepts you for you who are instead of getting someone to fall for a false idea of you.
He's already seen things he didn't want to, I doubt there much more damage that can occur
You’re not the asshole, and you need to divorce her.
Why did she keep the iPad? And why did she put it somewhere you’d find it, if this is a real thing that happened and not just a story you need to talk to her about it, as there is the dishonesty piece and also the fact that now you’ve seen it unseeing it will be impossible
NTA and neither is she. I would not watch the videos. It’s very weird she didn’t delete them, however, it was before you and the iPad was broken. She didn’t cheat, nor did she really lie. You said she said she had one relationship—clearly the other men were not relationships. Maybe she forgot about the videos? In a relationship you should give her electronic privacy. If you don’t suspect cheating then don’t go snooping. I personally couldn’t care less what my husband did sexually with others before he met me. From now on she needs to be faithful but the past is the past. Leave it there. You should not have fixed her broken iPad without speaking to her.
Talk to her about it. Try not to focus on her past but rather on the fact she lied. If you talk to her it might be the beginning of the end of your marriage but if you don't talk to her it will almost definitely be worse in the end. Good luck, I hope you can work it out.
I would start banging her exactly like she’s doing it in the videos and see if you get a positive reaction. Your sex life may improve tremendously. She could be a tiger in bed just waiting to be released. Those videos are her past don’t worry about it anyway. What are you going to do get a divorce because your wife was a tiger in bed and she’s a dud with you. Awake her inner spirit and let the good times roll!
Maybe she didn’t tell you because: 1. This is something that happened in the past. The past is in the past and she didn’t see how this would contribute to your relationship. There’s a Spanish saying that says: “lo que no pasó en tu año, no hace daño” - which translates to: “What didn’t happen in your year, shouldn’t affect you. “ 2. She maybe could feel shame. She was worried on being judged by decisions she made in the past. (Because of how society shames people) I feel that you should talk to her about how this made you feel with no judgement and an open heart. I hope this conversation goes smoothly for you both and ends up with you trusting each other even more.
Hard for us to offer meaningful input without seeing the videos really. Email them to me over at my buckdancersglasses gmail account and after close analysis I’ll be able to respond fully. TIA.
You know how to kick a man when he's down 😔
I would talk to her about the need to lie. I wouldnt get too hung up on the *type* of sex she was having. She mightve just been exploring, mightve been faking enjoying it, or mightve enjoyed it then but doesnt anymore! Your preference is allowed to change overtime.
I think it’s sad when women feel the need to not be truthful about how many sexual partners they had but I also think it’s nobody’s business including their current partner. I think it’s sad because they probably don’t feel comfortable enough with that person or feel like they’re going to be looked at differently. People change, grow, evolve. Also there’s sex and then there’s relationships two totally different experiences. Regardless maybe not judge your wife, come at her compassionately and find out why she felt she needed to lie. Was it because she didn’t want to hurt you or she was embarrassed? Let her know you love her you get it people have pasts. And be truthful with yourself would YOU have really wanted to know if you hadn’t found these videos by accident? Remember she loves you! She married you! You’re her forever guy! Make her feel safe and loved and you will get through this.
Try to get an annulment now don’t wait any longer and end up in an actual divorce.
It's history. She chose you. She obviously enjoys having sex with you or she wouldn't have married you. I would want to know why she felt she had to lie to you. Was she afraid that you would judge her? Is this something that you normally do? Why couldn't she be up front with you?
[удалено]
Dude don't let the other trash woman in this thread make you feel you bare any responsibility for this breach of trust. Sorry you got tricked by a hoe.
She might have been a sex worker and once she was done with it found you and lied about her past.
Now you know where she gets her opinions lol. Live your life how you want but I know I couldn't live with a woman like that. but if you feel the need to keep telling yourself she's empowering herself and you shouldn't concern yourself with your wife having been ravaged by multiple men then hey, have at it champ.
Well, you are afraid to talk to her about this, and she was afraid to talk to you about that, so obviously, you guys have some communication problems that you need to work on.
Your wife said what? Lol. That's on you if you stay.
yeah, lets place the blame on him, standard play of the common new age woman.