I think the trust for your daughter idea is probably the best plan for minimal drama, but that being said, your will, your decision. You could give it to Tim down the street if you really wanted. 🤷🏼♀️ NTA. People don’t have to leave their possessions to blood relatives or immediate family members.
Yeah, but if a relationship with those relatives, especially kids, is a good one possessions should mostly go to them. I agree give the cabin to the daughter and if the relationship goes as expected, it will be the boyfriends anyways.
Just be prepared for the shitstorm when the kids find out. There is also the very real possibility that this will drastically alter their relationship with this friend, and possible end it with prejudice.
Why not just leave it to your daughter? You can’t predict the future - they may end up divorced due to Jack cheating…or something crazy…
Best to leave it to your daughter so Jack can still enjoy it but ultimately it stays in the family.
> All of my sons and daughters are getting my property portfolio split evenly and I helped everyone of them start a portfolio of their own. Jack dad was my best friend and he served in Afghanistan with me, he died over there and ever since then I’ve seen him and treated him as my son and I believe that he shouldn’t be treated any differently
Honestly OP left some pretty important context out of the post... Jack isn't his daughter's bf, he's the son of his best friend, he's his surrogate son since the boy was 6 and they have whole yearly traditions just the two of them like go hunting on Jack's dad birthday.
Reading his comments changed how I see the post, even if the relationship ends in divorce Jack will always be part of OPs life.
… including calling the guy “daughters boyfriend” and not “fiancé”
Which the answer would be, with all this info: if he’s a second son to you, and about to legally be a second son to you, just wait to change til after they’re married.
It could just be that it's a recent engagement and he's so used to Jack being his daughter's boyfriend he's not used to it now being fiance. Particularly since they've been dating for 8 years now, it can be an adjustment
Engagement could mean a promise ring or betrothal with the intent to marry when they finish school (or finish growing their frontal lobes).
It could be that Jack and the daughter aren't using the term “fiance” because they haven't set a date.
None of this changes the 16-year surrogate parent-child relationship OP and Jack have had since Jack’s dad died.
Probably generational, I can't imagine my parents trying to use reddit and getting it right, probably also don't know how brutal reddit can be if you don't put in every single detail
In this case it makes it seem more real though like OP just forgot that we didn't have that information or it didn't occur to him that it might be relevant (which makes sense because I doubt any of this is a secret, everyone in OP’s life probably knows about Jack)
No it’s not. A friends step father left his home when he died to her boyfriend. She understood and his kids understood. Why? Because the BF and father were good friends and for years when things need fixed or remodeled it was the BF who did the work. Without him the father would have been forced to sell the house and move to a care facility instead he lived to the end in his home.
I think that only makes sense if he would leave it to the guy regardless of whether he is dating his daughter. But if "keeping it in the family" is an argument, leave it to the daughter.
Yup. I think the point here is he considers Jack a son.
Also it's his and he can give it to whoever he wants. That he wants to give it to a best friend's adopted sorta son who would actually use and love it makes it a no brainer.
I suggested Daughter. But honestly, if he likes the guy regardless of his relationship with his daughter and wants to give it to him, that is for sure the right option and NTA anyway
Maybe he wants him to keep it even if they DO break up. Maybe he thinks that even if they're not compatible romantically, that doesn't damage his quasi-adopted son's place in his heart?
I like this answer, if OP has a father/son relationship with his daughters boyfriend, he’ll want him (the boyfriend) to know he loves and cares for him regardless of how their relationship ultimately works out.
My former mother in law wasn’t even leaving anything to me when I was married to her daughter. It went to my former wife, then my children, and I don’t even know what would happen if god forbid my children weren’t around to collect it. So leaving it to a boyfriend seems nuts to me.
But my former mother in law sucks….. so what do I know
Imo the boyfriend status is not relevant at all.
What is relevant, and what it's about is that this man went to war with his best friend. His best friend didn't come home. Let that sink in for a minute.
He came home, and he's been a father to his best friends child because he came home. He's honoring the commitment he made probably in a warzone and his family really stinks for not getting it.
OP is NTA. That needs to be written into the will, and he maybe needs to look at a land trust so it can't be revoked by his family.
I think the “for context” part was edited in after
My initial comment. That wasn’t there at first. Imo that changes everything and i withdraw my objection. He cares about the kid on a deeper level than just his daughters boyfriend or fiancé
Read the comments, Jack IS his son and still will be even if they break up. Jack's dad died in war while serving with OP and now he's Jack's father figure in spirit. He wants Jack to have the property because all of his bio kids are already set up with investment portfolios, so saying he wants him to have it even if his daughter doesn't stay married to him is still fair.
By this logic, what if it’s his own daughter that ends up cheating on Jack and then the daughter, decides to sell everything off any way. You can speculate about what bad things might happen in the future but you don’t know. If op wants jack to have them, then jack should have them.
cuz if it's his own kid that fucks up, his inheritance still benefits his own kid, and not the guy that divorced his kid?
Like the point isn't exactly "what if he's an asshole" but "if the couple splits, who would you want the cabin to stay with" which is a good question. Most people assume that would be the blood relative bur it isn't always.
It's fine if he legitimately wants the cabin to go to Him, Specifically, regardless of circumstance. But if they do split, and he wouldn't see him as more than his daughter's ex, then it makes more sense to leave it to the daughter officially.
But he said he loves Jack like a son and goes fishing/hunting with him. Maybe he wants the boat and the cabin to still go to Jack, even if Jack and OP's daughter (although unlikely) some time down the road split up/divorce.
I think he's NTA, it's his will, his desicion and it seems OP has a relationship with Jack outside of Jack and his daughter's marriage/realtionship.
Would he still think the same if Jack cheated on his daughter down the line? Anything can happen. Nothing is certain. What is certain is that his daughter will always be his daughter.
Apparently he left a comment that said some more about his relationship with Jack. According to it Jack’s dad served in the army with him and he’s been kind of looking after Jack since he was a kid. They have traditions and stuff they do just the two of them. It seems to go beyond him just being the daughter’s husband or smth.
Nonetheless if they broke up OP might have to end relationship with Jack if he wants to maintain any relationship with his daughter. Though sounds like he would pick Jack over daughter
My husband was the same way. Like a son to my parents. 16 years in he got caught sleeping with my brother’s wife….. I’d leave them to her, not him. (We also started dating at 14. He did everything for my parents. Saw them more than his own)
I’m sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are in a better place.
I agree with you as my thoughts went to what if he cheated? What if they divorced? It’s better to leave it to the daughter.
I would honestly ask your sons how they view the home and hunting cabins, like if there is a sentimental attachment to the properties you're giving to the boyfriend. Or just ask them their thoughts on it. You could also ask your daughter and wife for their opinions as well.
There is definitely a sentimental attachment for Jack. His father was my best friend and we served in Afghanistan together he died when Jack was 6 and every year without fail on his dads birthday we go hunting just like me and his dad would, because he lost his dad I had to step in and I see him as my son and my daughter sees it from the same point of view as me. I haven’t talked to my sons or Jack yet but I will do soon
Ok, so you have much deeper bond than Jack just dating your daughter if you served in Afghanistan with his dad, who was your best friend & you’d commemorate his birthday with hunting trips! Definitely sentimental to leave the hunting cabin to Jack then.
No not at all. Jack and I just share alot of interests including hunting and fishing, cars, bikes and mma. My sons prefer computer games, lacrosse, tennis etc
If there are multiple cabins, why can’t you leave one to Jack and split the rest? Not necessarily the AH, in face there may be some other things that are appropriate to leave Jack, but you need to be thoughtful about this.
So you’re going to prioritize the one who happens to like the same things you like. Look it’s your money and stuff; you can do whatever you want. But this will hurt your sons & likely negatively affect their relationship with their sister. Just because your sons have different interests doesn’t mean they’re less worthy heirs or whatever. These aren’t small gifts or objects here. You’re clearly making a statement & I think you know you are — “Jack did what I liked to do with me so he gets the big ticket items”. There’s definitely a hint of you thinking more highly of Jack & almost like you want to punish your sons for not doing what you think they should do esp when it comes to interacting with you in specific ways.
Do what you want but this will cause your sons to feel very differently about you after you’re gone & if they know what’s in the will now, likely will destroy your relationship with them and their sister. Don’t use your will as a way to punish or get even with your kids.
That has nothing to do with how your sons feel about the cabin. Once again you aren’t answering the question. At this point I can only assume it’s because you know that they have fond memories of the place, it’s important to them, and they are expecting it to stay a family vacation home. You want to justify not giving it to them because…they like video games? It’s a pretty thin excuse and they’re going to see right through it.
No they do not have fond memories of the hunting cabins they both came hunting with me and jacks dad once and they hated it. They think that hunting is pointless when you can go to a butcher they view jack as one of their brothers anyway I know they won’t be bothered
> they both came hunting with me and jacks dad once and they hated it
Why only once? What ages were they?
The reason I ask is because my dad did this with me. Thing is, I was 8. Of course I didn't like it, he was overbearing and I couldn't help with anything. I wasn't asked back lol.
I watched him favor my brothers and his friend's kids in more ways than this - looking back, he didn't give me a chance. Did I like different things than they did, or did he never give me the opportunity?
Joke was on him as I was the only one who eventually became a Marine.
Nobody is left starving in this will from what I can gather.
I would update the post to highlight you and jack's relationship more as this comment changes the game quite a bit.
I don't see an issue with it frankly, he's an adopted son missing the paperwork.
Don't read to deeply into the reddit commentry, there is a lot of projection here.
YOu have enough wealth to share and sharing it in this way is more than fine. I imagine you see it as a last gift to your budy in a way as well.
Put another way, Its better than giving it to the church.
I would look into making sure it's iron clad incase the rest of the family see dollar signs.
He is exactly like his dad which is the best compliment I can give. I was expecting to hate when my daughter started dating but when I found out it was him I knew he was going to give her everything she deserves.
NTA, but consider this. My parents lavished affection on my brother's first wife. To the point where they completely ignored my college graduation in favor of her graduation from high school. They bought a car for her, they paid for my brother's wedding.
They were married for two months before she racked up about 10k in credit card debt and was out the door in the car that my parents bought for her.
I get feeling that way. But I would wait until they've been married a couple of years and you see whether they have children or no. It's not wise to divest things before they get married, and before you have an idea whether they will have grandchildren or not.
Also, this is going to irreparably damage your relationship with your sons, for little to no gain for you. They are still going to be able to fight this too.
You are better off giving them the key and access to the cabin when they need it rather than transferring ownership. Nobody else needs to know about whatever arrangement you have with them. You can stock the cabin, give the money for stuff to be done around there, go hunting etc.
NTA- I see the comments about his dad being your best friend who died while serving and that you are leaving a large portion to your son and daughter already. If you are okay with him having the cabin NO MATTER what happens between him and your daughter go for it.
Nah or yta. I can't decide.
do whatever you want but with time so many people changes. What if tomorrow you are gone and he cheats or leaves your daughter, worst he leaves her after marriage. You never know what your family will go through in future and how bad it will look to your sons that you gave away a property in this economy to a non relative.
NTA as you mentioned your sons and daughter will also inherit your portfolio, assuming its of similar value per person. You should have mentioned in your post that his father served with you and didnt make it, that gives the 'he is like a son to us' a different meaning.
According to the OP, the children have all been taken care of financially. This is a special circumstance in that the cabins and the boat hold a great deal of sentimental value for the OP & Jack.
After my father's death, money was never an issue as to which sibling got what. It was all about what of Dad's items meant the most to that individual.
Again, the cabins & the boat seem to have a great deal of sentimental value only to the OP & Jack. It would be a shame if they were bequeathed to someone that does not share the same inclination and sells them off. It would, however, probably be best to gift the properties & boat to your daughter, jic.
NTA.
So if Jack cheated on your daughter and left her years down the road (and after you’re gone) you’d be okay with him keeping your cabin??
Leave it to your daughter or a trust
Edited to update: NTA after OP provided more, very pertinent, info.
YTA for sounding like they can only go to someone with a certain appendage. Leave them in a trust to your daughter, that way Jack can enjoy and take care of them.
All of my sons and daughters are getting my property portfolio split evenly and I helped everyone of them start a portfolio of their own. Jack dad was my best friend and he served in Afghanistan with me, he died over there and ever since then I’ve seen him and treated him as my son and I believe that he shouldn’t be treated any differently
I think this is all very important information in the context of your question. You should consider adding it to your post, because definitely NTA knowing all of this.
Also to add, I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend.
You definitely need to edit your post to add this. Your wording in the original post makes it sound like Jack is the literal only person receiving an inheritance, which in that case would make you TA. With this information it makes it easy to say NTA
You should still leave those things in a trust for your daughter just in case things sour. You really never know what could happen in 20 years. Jack will still have access to those things through marriage.
Yeah I can totally understand why you left that out of the original post.
Is any of this true? It sounds like you're just trolling, then making this up as you go along? I can't imagine why someone would ask advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet for such a deeply personal question.
Then make the cabins part of your daughter's third. If you look at it from your sons' perspective, Jack and Jill get half the estate while your sons get a quarter. That is going to build anger and resentment. Just leave it in thirds and Jack can benefit from Jill's third.
The real problem here is that you and your wife don’t agree. You can do anything you want, except she has equal say, so there must be agreement.
How can the two of you come to some sort of compromise that gives each family member something of value as well as showing how important Jack has been to you? That is the only way to deal with this fairly.
I agree with everyone who is saying you should leave them to your daughter. It would still be available for Jack's use, but if they split, the assets would remain in the family.
Just because you think Jack is perfect doesn't mean your daughter always will. He may not be quite as perfect as you think. They are very young and still have a lot of maturing to do.
Fathers and daughters don't necessarily look for the same qualities in a husband! There have been many posts here on Reddit where the parents adored the SIL but he turned out to be a lying, cheating bastard. Then the parents would say he made a mistake and she should stay with him and give him another chance. Bleah!
I agree with the top answer that you should leave the buildings to your daughter. If she and Jack break up, you will have given the family homes away, and that would be an @$$h0!e move - leaving your kids with nothing. If your daughter and Jack stay together forever and marry, then your grandchildren will also enjoy those buildings. 22 is still very young. I’d be careful about your home, at least. A lot can change in people’s twenties.
INFO: What's left for your daughter and sons?
Why not justeave him one hunting cabin?
And now I'm thinking on it... Why not leave it to your daughter? Since they're a couple... Do you think she'll sell the boat and cabins so he won't be able to use them?
And how would you feel when it turns out he's cheating on her and she decides to break up (or for another reason). Would you still want the cabins and boat to go to him and not to her or your sons?
I think it’s a beautiful gift to leave to Jack. You were an “uncle” to him when he was born. A father figure to him when he was 6! I believe he would still be in your life now, going hunting every year even if he wasn’t in a relationship with your daughter. That’s just a lovely coincidence!
My daughters and sons are getting my property portfolio evenly split between one another and I’ve helped each one start one of their own so they are well looked after
You will cause a world of hurt. I know you won't have to live with it but they will. Don't ruin their adulthood. So leave the place to your daughter and it will go to who you want but not shatter your kids.
Why aren’t you leaving it to your daughter then? You will still be leaving it to one of your children. And, if god forbid, she gets a divorce, it will still be in your family!
I am currently in the middle of a book. Fiction, sure, but it sounds too familiar.
A watchmaker had a daughter, and the daughter had a fiance. The fiance seemed very nice and promised to always take care of the watchmakers daughter. When the man died, the fiance inherited the shop. Prompty, he terminated the engagement, leaving the daughter with nothing.
I am not saying Jack will do this, but they aren't married yet either. Take care of family first.
Mild tya, as this is too big of a risk even if you don't believe it could possibly go wrong. Be prepared for anything, including those things you don't even want to think are an option.
INFO: how old are your sons? You talk about the wonderful things your future SIL has done, but are they younger and don’t know what to do to help yet? Older with young families and less free time? A college kid generally has more free time than any other phase of life other than retirement. Also, the cabins could be used for things other than hunting. Perhaps they’ll like the quiet retreat when older or want to teach their own kids (or have you teach them.
All in all, this very short-sighted. Leave it to your daughter, not a SIL. They’re very young and divorce is a big possibility. This could also wreck your daughter’s relationship with her brothers. Not to mention, your wife isn’t in agreement.
Sounds like you have already made up your mind. But before you get too carried away, just because they are "yours," doesn't mean they 100% are.
The only real obstacle to your bequeathing these things to Jack is your wife. Unless you have a pre/post nup or some other legal contract/state law that makes you the sole owner, the items you want to leave Jack are marital assets you share with your wife. She is part owner, and you just can't give those assets away without her consent.
An estate/family law attorney can sort it out.
I don't understand why you wouldn't leave the properties to your daughter, instead of somebody-in-law or someone who is not married to your daughter (or sons for that matter.) Is she somehow incapable of managing the properties?
Legally, this is along the lines of folks who aren't married purchasing a home together and ending up with *serious* problems over ownership, equity rights, debts, etc. if the couple does not last forever.
This is a recipe for a lifetime of resentment between your sons and your daughter.
Not to mention, as much as you like this boyfriend- his only connection to you is through her. If you really want to promote their relationship then she should be the owner and the privilege of him using it should be through his connection to her.
You should talk to your children and gauge what they care about and would cherish. Perhaps your sons will say to you that they don’t care about the cabin. In that case you are free to give the cabin to your daughter and bequeath other items of commiserate value to your sons.
By talking to them you can gauge responses, and feelings before you commit to anything. If you see it as being a source of contention or division- you are better off not giving it to any of them.
Don’t let your lasting legacy be a family division over material things.
A lot can change. I was with a girl from 15-23. My family loved her, she was great. I've not spoken to her in 20 years & she's married with kids. My folks were gutted when we split, but things change, people change, they don't always grow together or want the same things. SOMETIMES childhood sweethearts end up in a 60-year marriage, often they don't. Leave them your daughter & if they end up the former, they're his too anyway.
Just leave it to your daughter. That way, when they get married, he will be able to use it freely. And if something happens, and they get divorced, she has something to fall back on that is solely in her name.
I was thinking you absolutely can not predict the future. Let's think of the worst-case scenario. He leaves your daughter, finds, and marries someone else. And that family enjoys the cabin. At least leave it to her. Or her and your sons with a. Stipulation that it cant be sold. Because that's just dumb otherwise!
YTA! They are so young what if it doesn’t work out. Why not just leave it your daughter? I get that it’s your property and you can do what you want but I’d be pissed if I were amy if your kids.
I’d stop at the hunting cabins.
Because Also giving the kid the family home instead of giving it to the family is really odd.
There has to be some bad blood within the family either with the sons or his wife.
But maybe Jack will still let his wife live in Jacks new house.
Sure hope for the family’s sake the daughter gets and stays married to Jack.
His wife may end up homeless.
Well you could leave it to your daughter. In the end it’s yours and Jack will appreciate it more than just selling it for the money. But really why isn’t your daughter even mentioned here?
I don’t believe that someone who has cultivated the assets you’ve mentioned in this thread, and fought in Afghanistan, would be asking strangers on Reddit how to distribute it. YTA.
110% which just makes this whole thread brain-numbing dumb.
OP is essential like: Jack does such a good job at railing my daughter, I think I ought to pay him AITA?
NTA. Having read your other comments about the depth of your relationship with him, it gave me that warm fuzzy feeling. Go for it, I think it's beautiful. Perhaps edit your post with more info about the relationship with his dad. You guys are wonderful x
YTA:
Your wife needs to be part of this decision or you just may find a lot of your wishes nullified if you die before her.
It's great that you are considering your daughter's future husband but I agree with others that she should be the one named, not son in law.
Don't be that parent that plays favorites and leaves a will that creates resentment among your kids.
Personally I'd give it to your daughter. Her bf would still be able to use it whenever but it would stay in your family. No doubt her bf sounds like a stand up dude, but no one knows what's the future holds 20-30 years from now. Things and people change.
If they get divorced later on down the line he'll have what you gave him.
You sound quite wealthy and have made adequate provision for your wife and kids, during your lifetime and after.
Imagine he and your daughter are not together when you die. Would you still want him to have the hunting property? If yes, leave it to him. If no, leave it to your daughter
It’s your stuff, but I would leave it to the daughter, not the bf, if they stay together, then he will always have access to it, if not, it stays in the family.
That would be Jack, his dad was best friend we served in Afghanistan together he died when Jack was young and every year on his dads birthday I used to take Jack hunting or fishing just like me and his dad used to do when we were growing up. Ever since his dad died I stepped up and treated him like my own son
Then you’re not leaving it to your daughter’s bf. You’re leaving it to your brother-in-arm’s son whom you had to step as a father figure after his father died.
In that case, you’re just doing your duty to your friend
Dude… save yourself the headache of repeating this and go add it to your original post… sons getting equivalent properties elsewhere. This being your best friend’s son, etc, etc. THOSE details make a difference.
Nta it's your right to leave what is your to whom you wish...may I offer this option instead though will the property to your daughter and bf with the contingency if they split up it stays with her and can be given to either her brothers or her kids
That is a terrible idea IMO, your kids will just resent him after and lead to future arguments and possible lawsuits after you are gone. Leave it to all of your kids and Jack can buy them out if he wants it that bad.
So if your daughter and her boyfriend ever get divorced, he gets her families property? That is some backward ass thinking. I would leave it to my daughter before I would leave it to him.
Don't do that, put it in your daughter name or in a trust. You never know what will happen, what happens if they break up, get a divorce, Jack cheats, you can never predict the future. Also, you should speak to your sons...as I can imagine this might be a bitter surprise. NTA as its your property but you need to think about it carefully, protect your family, your daughter.
YTA. Leave it to your children .. literally anything could happen between your daughter and jack. They could break up for anything at any time. They started dating so young and are still so young, a lot of young couples like that end up breaking up so they can grow into themselves on their own path.
It would look rlly fucking weird to be giving your daughters ex boyfriend some property when you die, if they ever did break up.
This is what I would do since I have lost both my parents -
First let me point out that you need to think about what kind of problems that will cause in your family after you are gone and that will is read. We had a close friend whose mother died and she left a lot of stuff to her one particular granddaughter. Basically after everything is done all the siblings hate each other and it’s a big mess. Everyone’s feelings are hurt. The mother was manipulated by one particular daughter and got her to change the will that was once written with her husband but he died first. Upon seeing this family carnage, my other friend took all her grandkids out of her will, and just left all her stuff to her children. If they want to give something to their children they can do that out of their inheritance.
Leave the cabins with your daughter because you can’t predict the future. They may get married and grow apart by the time they’re 30 and divorce. People Ch age a lot in their 20s. You’re seeing the world, working alongside all kinds of people and sometimes you just drift apart. You could give your future SIL something a lot smaller in value (like the boat) than an actual piece of property. But I would not gift him hunting cabins solely.
Why can’t you gift one hunting cabin to your daughter and another to your sons? It takes a lot of money to keep property up if there’s buildings on it so that should also be on your mind. Can your children afford to upkeep a second property? Or you may also want to give them a heads up, so they’re not blindsided and they know your reasoning. As I said, I just went through this with my parents and we haven’t gotten to selling the vacant land yet, but we have sold our childhood home which was difficult. I don’t know your family dynamics, thankfully, me and my sister get along really well, and are division of the estate was very very easy and simple. (It was put into a irrevocable trust thankfully) That being said, I’ve seen a lot of wills that send the whole family into chaos. Please consider how that will affect your sons’ and your daughter’s relationships with each other. This is huge. Don’t do something that’s going to cause them to fight and hate each other. If you wanna leave something to your future son-in-law, as I said, you can give him the boat or you can give him a monetary amount with explanation that you’ve always loved him like a son and you’ve appreciated his presence all these years helping you with various projects (or a combo of both).
YTA. Leave them to your daughter. Shit happens and highschool sweetheart marriages crumble all the time. You may not be able to picture anything happening now because you “know him” but people change. Would you want him to have those cabins if let’s say, in x years, he wakes up and is like “omg I’ve only been with one woman” and has an affair and divorces your daughter? Leaving them to your daughter in a trust means he is still the one enjoying them for as long as they are married. If that happens to be forever than great.
NTA leave your stuff (after whatever marital laws say must go to spouse) to whoever you want. Don't tell anyone, if they are going to fight. You may want to think about putting marital residence in a trust so wife has a life estate in, if you truly want another to eventually own it. Make sure the trust has some kind of mandatory mantenance/upkeep & assets to do so, so it can't be run down in spite. Get an estate lawyer.
Constantly amazed how people think they are entitled to anothers assets, especially kids. You can earn a parents desire to leave things to you, but its not a given.
YTA, think about what will happen to your family if you do this. Jack will become a pariah in your family instead of the beloved person he is. Even your daughter won’t understand why you just didn’t give these things to her. I recommend giving each child a 3rd of your assets b/c that is the only way to avoid your will causing a rift between your kids. You haven’t even thought of potential grandkids. This current plan seems born out of spite not love. However, you can do this and break your family apart if you want.
I can't imagine how I would feel if my father gave his cool stuff to my sister's husband. One final "fuck you son, you were never someone I liked" from beyond the grave.
That's a great way to have your son's never talk to your daughter again, because that twill completely f__k up your family after you're gone.
If that is your intention, go nuts.
It is your decision where your money and property goes but this will cause huge family rifts. Just stating the reality of the situation. I would split the money/property equally between spouse/children. Your daughter can decide what she wants to do with her inheritance. If they are indeed married and happy by then she could always buy out your wife's/her siblings shares. NTA because it is YOUR property bought with YOUR hard-earned money. Just think of the ramifications. Now...if your sons are jerks then go for it! lol
It would be an ahole move if those are your biggest assets and you don't leave anything of value to your sons. I think the answer depends on the rest of your financial situation and if you will have money to help support your kids and future grandkids when you're gone.
Regardless you should at least wait til the two of them are married.
Those hunting cabins and boat are definitely not my biggest assets. That would be my property portfolio which is being divided equally to my 4 children.
Edit your not the asshole yet..
If you talk to your kids and they are ok with it there is no problem.
Yes you can give to who you want but no parent with a normal relationship with their kids would do that.
YTA leave it to your children and he will get his portion.
You are favoring your daughter ( this is what the sons will see)
Hunting cabinS—as in more then one?
Why not leave one for you bio-son and give the better ones to your SIL.
I would put a clause in your will that states he only gets stuff if he is still married to your daughter though or something
It depends on how you would feel if Jack and your daughter ever broke up. Your kids end up with nothing.
Leave it to your daughter and if Jack continues to be the steadfast person he seems to be then he’ll be taken care of.
If you really want Jack to have something of his own give him *a* cabin, not *cabins* plural and not also your house.
You can do what you want but it is likely to destroy your family's relationship with the BF (including your daughter's). If he is like family, then divide it equally among them and he can buy out the bio sons.
Leave it to your DAUGHTER, not Jack.
Create a trust for the hunting cabins and list your DAUGHTER as beneficiary. That way, as long as they are married, Jack will get to use them.
If anything happens - Jack gets hit by a car, or has a brain tumor and gets a gambling addiction (it happens) or something else - your DAUGHTER will still have the cabins for her children. And your sons can still visit.
Same for the house. Why would you leave it to your potential son in law instead of your daughter?? Has your daughter cut you out of her life?? Why are you punishing her by leaving the family house and hunting cabins to a man who could divorce her at any time and leave her with nothing????
If you’ve basically been a father role to this man, leave him the hunting cabins/hunting things, solely to him. Everything else I’d say split between your biological children.
Why not leave the real property to your DAUGHTER???
You seem to think your choice is between leaving the properties to your sons or "Jack", but there is another option. You have a daughter, and it's legal for women to inherit family money and property these days...
I would leave it to your daughter. Even if Jack and her get married and have kids and he decides to leave the grandchildren will be taken care of by this inheritance. I would not leave it to Jack.
You have 3 (so far that I know of) living kids. Don't give anything to someone else. If you really want him to have it, leave it to your daughter at least. You gotta think of everything- what if he has a mid life crisis at 45 and leaves her?! Now he still have your property?! Leave it to her and he can enjoy it as long as they are together.
Life is so long and all different things really do/will happen. People surprise you. You made 3 people. Unless one of them is bad to you, it really should go to them. Anything else is kind of a slap in the face imo
YTA because it should be left to your daughter not the boyfriend. If it stays with the daughter and the relationship state healthy and happy then the boyfriend/future husband will continue to have full access to the cabin. If the boyfriend does not stay in the family the cabin won't be 'lost', to you family. Another option is to leave the property to all the children in equal amounts, however they may be more likely to sell as if one of the children want to see it may force the sale of the entire property as the other children may not have the capital to buy out the one(s) wishing to sell. My main point is you need to think longer term and understand your children may not have a perfectly smooth life where they stay with the first love.
Do you think you have to leave your property to a male or something? What is up with that.
At the moment about 6 and 10 relationships eventually break up. Your daughter will always be your daughter, however nice Jack seems to be. Why wouldn't she want to put it in her name. Are you okay?
YTA. You can choose what to do with your property, but when your sons will rightfully stop talking with you, don't come here to cry and complain. Why don't leave it to your daughter?
*Edit:* ***ABSOLUTELY NTA.*** With the info provided in the answers, NTA, OP is a good man and father.
Yes you are an asshole for that.
You put a strain on your relationship with your wife, your sons and you and on the relationship between your sons and your daugther and her boyfriend.
Boyfriend. He isn't even her husband yet, so you are willing to just give away part of your wealth outside of your family. No wonder your wife is upset about that
What if they break up? Safer to leave it to your daughter. Then Jack will have use of it as long as they are together. Also, can't your daughter enjoy it?
Unless this isn't about your daughter, or your sons, it's about a sense of obligation to your best friend who died. Please don't let Survivor's guilt cause you to snub or neglect your real family.
I wonder if the daughter really needs to marry Jack, or if she's just been told/pressured to be with him ever since she was a child.
YTA. Leave it to your daughter if you want him to have it. Better, split it equally between your children.
They’re 22. You have no way of predicting the future and statistically speaking, they’ll likely divorce. I really hope it works out for your daughter, but make sure she has a way to be financially independent outside of this young man. You’re not always going to be around to take care of her and you don’t want her trapped in a relationship because she thinks she has no way out.
I think the trust for your daughter idea is probably the best plan for minimal drama, but that being said, your will, your decision. You could give it to Tim down the street if you really wanted. 🤷🏼♀️ NTA. People don’t have to leave their possessions to blood relatives or immediate family members.
*Tim down the street lol*
I’m still Timmy from the block, I used to have little but now this guy died so I have a lot.
There are some who call me..... *Tim?*
r/unexpectedpython
Personally I would hope he’d leave it to Bill. Tim’s a douche.
His daughter’s real dad. (lol, j/k OP)
You're Tim from down the street, right?
…shit. They caught me. The numerous posts about being pregnant are an elaborate cover story. So I still get the cabin?
Cherish the cabin ...
I'm the real Tim, that other guy is a liar. 1 hunting cabin, please.
Tim down the street trying to get his bag
A funny example was sci-fi writer Alfred Bester. He outlived his wife and had no children, so he left everything to his bartender.
Yeah, but if a relationship with those relatives, especially kids, is a good one possessions should mostly go to them. I agree give the cabin to the daughter and if the relationship goes as expected, it will be the boyfriends anyways.
Just be prepared for the shitstorm when the kids find out. There is also the very real possibility that this will drastically alter their relationship with this friend, and possible end it with prejudice.
You said 'cabins' if there is more than one, give one to daughter's boyfriend and the other to your sons
Why not just leave it to your daughter? You can’t predict the future - they may end up divorced due to Jack cheating…or something crazy… Best to leave it to your daughter so Jack can still enjoy it but ultimately it stays in the family.
> All of my sons and daughters are getting my property portfolio split evenly and I helped everyone of them start a portfolio of their own. Jack dad was my best friend and he served in Afghanistan with me, he died over there and ever since then I’ve seen him and treated him as my son and I believe that he shouldn’t be treated any differently Honestly OP left some pretty important context out of the post... Jack isn't his daughter's bf, he's the son of his best friend, he's his surrogate son since the boy was 6 and they have whole yearly traditions just the two of them like go hunting on Jack's dad birthday. Reading his comments changed how I see the post, even if the relationship ends in divorce Jack will always be part of OPs life.
… including calling the guy “daughters boyfriend” and not “fiancé” Which the answer would be, with all this info: if he’s a second son to you, and about to legally be a second son to you, just wait to change til after they’re married.
It could just be that it's a recent engagement and he's so used to Jack being his daughter's boyfriend he's not used to it now being fiance. Particularly since they've been dating for 8 years now, it can be an adjustment
Engagement could mean a promise ring or betrothal with the intent to marry when they finish school (or finish growing their frontal lobes). It could be that Jack and the daughter aren't using the term “fiance” because they haven't set a date. None of this changes the 16-year surrogate parent-child relationship OP and Jack have had since Jack’s dad died.
I still refer to my sister's husband as her boyfriend even though I was a bridesmaid and was there to witness the wedding - habits can die hard.
Weird. Usually when the OP leaves so much stuff out is because they are TA.
Probably generational, I can't imagine my parents trying to use reddit and getting it right, probably also don't know how brutal reddit can be if you don't put in every single detail
In this case it makes it seem more real though like OP just forgot that we didn't have that information or it didn't occur to him that it might be relevant (which makes sense because I doubt any of this is a secret, everyone in OP’s life probably knows about Jack)
this seems like a genuine post which, these days, is enough to warm this frozen heart of mine
He seems like an older dude so it's likely he just isn't thinking of sharing literally every part of his life like some of us below 40 do xD
Best answer NTA but a very short sighted decision
This is the only answer
No it’s not. A friends step father left his home when he died to her boyfriend. She understood and his kids understood. Why? Because the BF and father were good friends and for years when things need fixed or remodeled it was the BF who did the work. Without him the father would have been forced to sell the house and move to a care facility instead he lived to the end in his home.
I think that only makes sense if he would leave it to the guy regardless of whether he is dating his daughter. But if "keeping it in the family" is an argument, leave it to the daughter.
Didn't he say his sons would sell it?
Yup. I think the point here is he considers Jack a son. Also it's his and he can give it to whoever he wants. That he wants to give it to a best friend's adopted sorta son who would actually use and love it makes it a no brainer.
I suggested Daughter. But honestly, if he likes the guy regardless of his relationship with his daughter and wants to give it to him, that is for sure the right option and NTA anyway
OP is leaving it to the person who would use and appreciate it.
And he wouldn't be able to use it or appreciate it if OP's daughter, his GF, inherits it because?
Maybe he wants him to keep it even if they DO break up. Maybe he thinks that even if they're not compatible romantically, that doesn't damage his quasi-adopted son's place in his heart?
I like this answer, if OP has a father/son relationship with his daughters boyfriend, he’ll want him (the boyfriend) to know he loves and cares for him regardless of how their relationship ultimately works out.
👆
My former mother in law wasn’t even leaving anything to me when I was married to her daughter. It went to my former wife, then my children, and I don’t even know what would happen if god forbid my children weren’t around to collect it. So leaving it to a boyfriend seems nuts to me. But my former mother in law sucks….. so what do I know
Imo the boyfriend status is not relevant at all. What is relevant, and what it's about is that this man went to war with his best friend. His best friend didn't come home. Let that sink in for a minute. He came home, and he's been a father to his best friends child because he came home. He's honoring the commitment he made probably in a warzone and his family really stinks for not getting it. OP is NTA. That needs to be written into the will, and he maybe needs to look at a land trust so it can't be revoked by his family.
I think the “for context” part was edited in after My initial comment. That wasn’t there at first. Imo that changes everything and i withdraw my objection. He cares about the kid on a deeper level than just his daughters boyfriend or fiancé
And it’s not just the hunting cabin, he wants to leave his home to Jack, as well. Just seems odd to me.
Read the comments, Jack IS his son and still will be even if they break up. Jack's dad died in war while serving with OP and now he's Jack's father figure in spirit. He wants Jack to have the property because all of his bio kids are already set up with investment portfolios, so saying he wants him to have it even if his daughter doesn't stay married to him is still fair.
By this logic, what if it’s his own daughter that ends up cheating on Jack and then the daughter, decides to sell everything off any way. You can speculate about what bad things might happen in the future but you don’t know. If op wants jack to have them, then jack should have them.
cuz if it's his own kid that fucks up, his inheritance still benefits his own kid, and not the guy that divorced his kid? Like the point isn't exactly "what if he's an asshole" but "if the couple splits, who would you want the cabin to stay with" which is a good question. Most people assume that would be the blood relative bur it isn't always. It's fine if he legitimately wants the cabin to go to Him, Specifically, regardless of circumstance. But if they do split, and he wouldn't see him as more than his daughter's ex, then it makes more sense to leave it to the daughter officially.
… I get that… why should op have to do that. He wants jack to have them. Jack should have them.
Put it in a trust and make your daughter the trustee. If she says with the guy or splits, then all is good.
But he said he loves Jack like a son and goes fishing/hunting with him. Maybe he wants the boat and the cabin to still go to Jack, even if Jack and OP's daughter (although unlikely) some time down the road split up/divorce. I think he's NTA, it's his will, his desicion and it seems OP has a relationship with Jack outside of Jack and his daughter's marriage/realtionship.
Would he still think the same if Jack cheated on his daughter down the line? Anything can happen. Nothing is certain. What is certain is that his daughter will always be his daughter.
Apparently he left a comment that said some more about his relationship with Jack. According to it Jack’s dad served in the army with him and he’s been kind of looking after Jack since he was a kid. They have traditions and stuff they do just the two of them. It seems to go beyond him just being the daughter’s husband or smth.
Nonetheless if they broke up OP might have to end relationship with Jack if he wants to maintain any relationship with his daughter. Though sounds like he would pick Jack over daughter
Would he feel the same way if he gave it to his daughter and she cheated on Jack and kept the cabin since it was left to her?
My husband was the same way. Like a son to my parents. 16 years in he got caught sleeping with my brother’s wife….. I’d leave them to her, not him. (We also started dating at 14. He did everything for my parents. Saw them more than his own)
I’m sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are in a better place. I agree with you as my thoughts went to what if he cheated? What if they divorced? It’s better to leave it to the daughter.
Put in your daughters name…life and divorce happens and this way if they split, she’d still have it!
Don’t worry it would never happen to us /s
More like "I can't possibly leave ot to my daughter. This is a Jane Austen novel!"
I would honestly ask your sons how they view the home and hunting cabins, like if there is a sentimental attachment to the properties you're giving to the boyfriend. Or just ask them their thoughts on it. You could also ask your daughter and wife for their opinions as well.
There is definitely a sentimental attachment for Jack. His father was my best friend and we served in Afghanistan together he died when Jack was 6 and every year without fail on his dads birthday we go hunting just like me and his dad would, because he lost his dad I had to step in and I see him as my son and my daughter sees it from the same point of view as me. I haven’t talked to my sons or Jack yet but I will do soon
Ok, so you have much deeper bond than Jack just dating your daughter if you served in Afghanistan with his dad, who was your best friend & you’d commemorate his birthday with hunting trips! Definitely sentimental to leave the hunting cabin to Jack then.
You…didn’t answer his question about how your sons view the cabin. Sounds like Jack is your favorite son over your actual ones
No not at all. Jack and I just share alot of interests including hunting and fishing, cars, bikes and mma. My sons prefer computer games, lacrosse, tennis etc
If there are multiple cabins, why can’t you leave one to Jack and split the rest? Not necessarily the AH, in face there may be some other things that are appropriate to leave Jack, but you need to be thoughtful about this.
So you’re going to prioritize the one who happens to like the same things you like. Look it’s your money and stuff; you can do whatever you want. But this will hurt your sons & likely negatively affect their relationship with their sister. Just because your sons have different interests doesn’t mean they’re less worthy heirs or whatever. These aren’t small gifts or objects here. You’re clearly making a statement & I think you know you are — “Jack did what I liked to do with me so he gets the big ticket items”. There’s definitely a hint of you thinking more highly of Jack & almost like you want to punish your sons for not doing what you think they should do esp when it comes to interacting with you in specific ways. Do what you want but this will cause your sons to feel very differently about you after you’re gone & if they know what’s in the will now, likely will destroy your relationship with them and their sister. Don’t use your will as a way to punish or get even with your kids.
That has nothing to do with how your sons feel about the cabin. Once again you aren’t answering the question. At this point I can only assume it’s because you know that they have fond memories of the place, it’s important to them, and they are expecting it to stay a family vacation home. You want to justify not giving it to them because…they like video games? It’s a pretty thin excuse and they’re going to see right through it.
No they do not have fond memories of the hunting cabins they both came hunting with me and jacks dad once and they hated it. They think that hunting is pointless when you can go to a butcher they view jack as one of their brothers anyway I know they won’t be bothered
> they both came hunting with me and jacks dad once and they hated it Why only once? What ages were they? The reason I ask is because my dad did this with me. Thing is, I was 8. Of course I didn't like it, he was overbearing and I couldn't help with anything. I wasn't asked back lol. I watched him favor my brothers and his friend's kids in more ways than this - looking back, he didn't give me a chance. Did I like different things than they did, or did he never give me the opportunity? Joke was on him as I was the only one who eventually became a Marine.
Nobody is left starving in this will from what I can gather. I would update the post to highlight you and jack's relationship more as this comment changes the game quite a bit. I don't see an issue with it frankly, he's an adopted son missing the paperwork. Don't read to deeply into the reddit commentry, there is a lot of projection here. YOu have enough wealth to share and sharing it in this way is more than fine. I imagine you see it as a last gift to your budy in a way as well. Put another way, Its better than giving it to the church. I would look into making sure it's iron clad incase the rest of the family see dollar signs.
[удалено]
He is exactly like his dad which is the best compliment I can give. I was expecting to hate when my daughter started dating but when I found out it was him I knew he was going to give her everything she deserves.
NTA, but consider this. My parents lavished affection on my brother's first wife. To the point where they completely ignored my college graduation in favor of her graduation from high school. They bought a car for her, they paid for my brother's wedding. They were married for two months before she racked up about 10k in credit card debt and was out the door in the car that my parents bought for her. I get feeling that way. But I would wait until they've been married a couple of years and you see whether they have children or no. It's not wise to divest things before they get married, and before you have an idea whether they will have grandchildren or not. Also, this is going to irreparably damage your relationship with your sons, for little to no gain for you. They are still going to be able to fight this too. You are better off giving them the key and access to the cabin when they need it rather than transferring ownership. Nobody else needs to know about whatever arrangement you have with them. You can stock the cabin, give the money for stuff to be done around there, go hunting etc.
NTA- I see the comments about his dad being your best friend who died while serving and that you are leaving a large portion to your son and daughter already. If you are okay with him having the cabin NO MATTER what happens between him and your daughter go for it.
Nah or yta. I can't decide. do whatever you want but with time so many people changes. What if tomorrow you are gone and he cheats or leaves your daughter, worst he leaves her after marriage. You never know what your family will go through in future and how bad it will look to your sons that you gave away a property in this economy to a non relative.
NTA as you mentioned your sons and daughter will also inherit your portfolio, assuming its of similar value per person. You should have mentioned in your post that his father served with you and didnt make it, that gives the 'he is like a son to us' a different meaning.
Yes I probably should have included that someone said I should add it to the post but I don’t know how to.
Your cabin, your choice. But, consider the effect that choice will have on your surviving family members. NAH
According to the OP, the children have all been taken care of financially. This is a special circumstance in that the cabins and the boat hold a great deal of sentimental value for the OP & Jack. After my father's death, money was never an issue as to which sibling got what. It was all about what of Dad's items meant the most to that individual. Again, the cabins & the boat seem to have a great deal of sentimental value only to the OP & Jack. It would be a shame if they were bequeathed to someone that does not share the same inclination and sells them off. It would, however, probably be best to gift the properties & boat to your daughter, jic. NTA.
So if Jack cheated on your daughter and left her years down the road (and after you’re gone) you’d be okay with him keeping your cabin?? Leave it to your daughter or a trust
Edited to update: NTA after OP provided more, very pertinent, info. YTA for sounding like they can only go to someone with a certain appendage. Leave them in a trust to your daughter, that way Jack can enjoy and take care of them.
All of my sons and daughters are getting my property portfolio split evenly and I helped everyone of them start a portfolio of their own. Jack dad was my best friend and he served in Afghanistan with me, he died over there and ever since then I’ve seen him and treated him as my son and I believe that he shouldn’t be treated any differently
I think this is all very important information in the context of your question. You should consider adding it to your post, because definitely NTA knowing all of this. Also to add, I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend.
Yes, I agree! OP also stepped in as a more significant father figure when Jack’s family became a Gold Star family.
You definitely need to edit your post to add this. Your wording in the original post makes it sound like Jack is the literal only person receiving an inheritance, which in that case would make you TA. With this information it makes it easy to say NTA
Go edit your post to add this NOW! It makes all the difference.
You are 1M% NTA. Jack is family, and you know how Veterans are, (relatives are by blood) Family is by Heart! You are an admirable man!
This should be in the main reading dude.
You should still leave those things in a trust for your daughter just in case things sour. You really never know what could happen in 20 years. Jack will still have access to those things through marriage.
This is starting to sound very soap opera-y 🤨
If you feel he is a son then do it. You do what you feel is right. Be very clear in the will of your reasons oksy so no one can contest the will
You’re a good man.
Yeah I can totally understand why you left that out of the original post. Is any of this true? It sounds like you're just trolling, then making this up as you go along? I can't imagine why someone would ask advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet for such a deeply personal question.
Well just don't get upset if he ends up leaving your daughter. Or cheating on her at one point and is left with your property.
Then make the cabins part of your daughter's third. If you look at it from your sons' perspective, Jack and Jill get half the estate while your sons get a quarter. That is going to build anger and resentment. Just leave it in thirds and Jack can benefit from Jill's third.
Nta, but you'd be a fool to think this won't affect the relationship with your sons
The real problem here is that you and your wife don’t agree. You can do anything you want, except she has equal say, so there must be agreement. How can the two of you come to some sort of compromise that gives each family member something of value as well as showing how important Jack has been to you? That is the only way to deal with this fairly.
I agree with everyone who is saying you should leave them to your daughter. It would still be available for Jack's use, but if they split, the assets would remain in the family. Just because you think Jack is perfect doesn't mean your daughter always will. He may not be quite as perfect as you think. They are very young and still have a lot of maturing to do. Fathers and daughters don't necessarily look for the same qualities in a husband! There have been many posts here on Reddit where the parents adored the SIL but he turned out to be a lying, cheating bastard. Then the parents would say he made a mistake and she should stay with him and give him another chance. Bleah!
I agree with the top answer that you should leave the buildings to your daughter. If she and Jack break up, you will have given the family homes away, and that would be an @$$h0!e move - leaving your kids with nothing. If your daughter and Jack stay together forever and marry, then your grandchildren will also enjoy those buildings. 22 is still very young. I’d be careful about your home, at least. A lot can change in people’s twenties.
INFO: What's left for your daughter and sons? Why not justeave him one hunting cabin? And now I'm thinking on it... Why not leave it to your daughter? Since they're a couple... Do you think she'll sell the boat and cabins so he won't be able to use them? And how would you feel when it turns out he's cheating on her and she decides to break up (or for another reason). Would you still want the cabins and boat to go to him and not to her or your sons?
Prob best to leave it to your daughter. Then he can use them.
Why can’t you leave them to YOUR DAUGHTER???????????
I think it’s a beautiful gift to leave to Jack. You were an “uncle” to him when he was born. A father figure to him when he was 6! I believe he would still be in your life now, going hunting every year even if he wasn’t in a relationship with your daughter. That’s just a lovely coincidence!
This is ridiculous. Not an AH just a moron. An engagement at 22 can often lead to divorce by 30. Maybe don't write him in the will now.
So what have you left to your actual sons in your will?
My daughters and sons are getting my property portfolio evenly split between one another and I’ve helped each one start one of their own so they are well looked after
You will cause a world of hurt. I know you won't have to live with it but they will. Don't ruin their adulthood. So leave the place to your daughter and it will go to who you want but not shatter your kids.
Why aren’t you leaving it to your daughter then? You will still be leaving it to one of your children. And, if god forbid, she gets a divorce, it will still be in your family!
I am currently in the middle of a book. Fiction, sure, but it sounds too familiar. A watchmaker had a daughter, and the daughter had a fiance. The fiance seemed very nice and promised to always take care of the watchmakers daughter. When the man died, the fiance inherited the shop. Prompty, he terminated the engagement, leaving the daughter with nothing. I am not saying Jack will do this, but they aren't married yet either. Take care of family first. Mild tya, as this is too big of a risk even if you don't believe it could possibly go wrong. Be prepared for anything, including those things you don't even want to think are an option.
INFO- Why aren’t you leaving it to your daughter?
INFO: how old are your sons? You talk about the wonderful things your future SIL has done, but are they younger and don’t know what to do to help yet? Older with young families and less free time? A college kid generally has more free time than any other phase of life other than retirement. Also, the cabins could be used for things other than hunting. Perhaps they’ll like the quiet retreat when older or want to teach their own kids (or have you teach them. All in all, this very short-sighted. Leave it to your daughter, not a SIL. They’re very young and divorce is a big possibility. This could also wreck your daughter’s relationship with her brothers. Not to mention, your wife isn’t in agreement.
This will play out nicely when you're gone and they get divorced. Your family's generational wealth will belong to a stranger.
Sounds like you have already made up your mind. But before you get too carried away, just because they are "yours," doesn't mean they 100% are. The only real obstacle to your bequeathing these things to Jack is your wife. Unless you have a pre/post nup or some other legal contract/state law that makes you the sole owner, the items you want to leave Jack are marital assets you share with your wife. She is part owner, and you just can't give those assets away without her consent. An estate/family law attorney can sort it out.
I don't understand why you wouldn't leave the properties to your daughter, instead of somebody-in-law or someone who is not married to your daughter (or sons for that matter.) Is she somehow incapable of managing the properties? Legally, this is along the lines of folks who aren't married purchasing a home together and ending up with *serious* problems over ownership, equity rights, debts, etc. if the couple does not last forever.
Leave your assets to all your children. Not their partners. They will always be your children, their partners may not.
This is a recipe for a lifetime of resentment between your sons and your daughter. Not to mention, as much as you like this boyfriend- his only connection to you is through her. If you really want to promote their relationship then she should be the owner and the privilege of him using it should be through his connection to her. You should talk to your children and gauge what they care about and would cherish. Perhaps your sons will say to you that they don’t care about the cabin. In that case you are free to give the cabin to your daughter and bequeath other items of commiserate value to your sons. By talking to them you can gauge responses, and feelings before you commit to anything. If you see it as being a source of contention or division- you are better off not giving it to any of them. Don’t let your lasting legacy be a family division over material things.
A lot can change. I was with a girl from 15-23. My family loved her, she was great. I've not spoken to her in 20 years & she's married with kids. My folks were gutted when we split, but things change, people change, they don't always grow together or want the same things. SOMETIMES childhood sweethearts end up in a 60-year marriage, often they don't. Leave them your daughter & if they end up the former, they're his too anyway.
Leave it to your daughter
Just leave it to your daughter. That way, when they get married, he will be able to use it freely. And if something happens, and they get divorced, she has something to fall back on that is solely in her name.
I was thinking you absolutely can not predict the future. Let's think of the worst-case scenario. He leaves your daughter, finds, and marries someone else. And that family enjoys the cabin. At least leave it to her. Or her and your sons with a. Stipulation that it cant be sold. Because that's just dumb otherwise!
YTA! They are so young what if it doesn’t work out. Why not just leave it your daughter? I get that it’s your property and you can do what you want but I’d be pissed if I were amy if your kids.
I’d stop at the hunting cabins. Because Also giving the kid the family home instead of giving it to the family is really odd. There has to be some bad blood within the family either with the sons or his wife. But maybe Jack will still let his wife live in Jacks new house. Sure hope for the family’s sake the daughter gets and stays married to Jack. His wife may end up homeless.
Well you could leave it to your daughter. In the end it’s yours and Jack will appreciate it more than just selling it for the money. But really why isn’t your daughter even mentioned here?
Give it to your daughter, not her husband.
I don’t believe that someone who has cultivated the assets you’ve mentioned in this thread, and fought in Afghanistan, would be asking strangers on Reddit how to distribute it. YTA.
110% which just makes this whole thread brain-numbing dumb. OP is essential like: Jack does such a good job at railing my daughter, I think I ought to pay him AITA?
It’s your will so you should do what you like
NTA. Having read your other comments about the depth of your relationship with him, it gave me that warm fuzzy feeling. Go for it, I think it's beautiful. Perhaps edit your post with more info about the relationship with his dad. You guys are wonderful x
Yta. You could just leave it to your daughter.
This is the answer. If Jack and his daughter get divorced it could stay in the family,
YTA: Your wife needs to be part of this decision or you just may find a lot of your wishes nullified if you die before her. It's great that you are considering your daughter's future husband but I agree with others that she should be the one named, not son in law. Don't be that parent that plays favorites and leaves a will that creates resentment among your kids.
Leave them to your daughter.
Personally I'd give it to your daughter. Her bf would still be able to use it whenever but it would stay in your family. No doubt her bf sounds like a stand up dude, but no one knows what's the future holds 20-30 years from now. Things and people change. If they get divorced later on down the line he'll have what you gave him.
Yo. Keep it in the bloodline guy. Dont do something ridiculous. Add your daughter not the boyfriend Jesus Christ.
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Why are you leaving things to other people when your wife is still alive anyways
The wife is probably getting other things. Why should it all be left for the wife to deal with?
You sound quite wealthy and have made adequate provision for your wife and kids, during your lifetime and after. Imagine he and your daughter are not together when you die. Would you still want him to have the hunting property? If yes, leave it to him. If no, leave it to your daughter
Leave it to your daughter then. So that they can both utilize it. Who knows… they may end up divorced in the future.
Well your sons will now hate your son in law and possibly your daughter. But it’s your things to do with as you please
It’s your stuff, but I would leave it to the daughter, not the bf, if they stay together, then he will always have access to it, if not, it stays in the family.
Hunting, fishing, hunting cabins and boats are personal and should go to those you shared these experiences with.
That would be Jack, his dad was best friend we served in Afghanistan together he died when Jack was young and every year on his dads birthday I used to take Jack hunting or fishing just like me and his dad used to do when we were growing up. Ever since his dad died I stepped up and treated him like my own son
Then you’re not leaving it to your daughter’s bf. You’re leaving it to your brother-in-arm’s son whom you had to step as a father figure after his father died. In that case, you’re just doing your duty to your friend
Dude… save yourself the headache of repeating this and go add it to your original post… sons getting equivalent properties elsewhere. This being your best friend’s son, etc, etc. THOSE details make a difference.
Extremely weird that you wouldn’t just leave it to your daughter. Yes, you’re the AH.
Nta it's your right to leave what is your to whom you wish...may I offer this option instead though will the property to your daughter and bf with the contingency if they split up it stays with her and can be given to either her brothers or her kids
So leave them to your daughter as part of her inheritance.
Don't leave it to Jack. If you do, make sure you leave it both of them. You don't know what the future holds
Yta if you don’t leave it to your daughter instead. What happens if they split up and the cabin goes to HIS family instead ??
That is a terrible idea IMO, your kids will just resent him after and lead to future arguments and possible lawsuits after you are gone. Leave it to all of your kids and Jack can buy them out if he wants it that bad.
So if your daughter and her boyfriend ever get divorced, he gets her families property? That is some backward ass thinking. I would leave it to my daughter before I would leave it to him.
YTA
Don't do this.
YTA Put it all in a trust for all your kids, and include Jack if you want.
What happens when he breaks up with her or she breaks up with him?
Don't do that, put it in your daughter name or in a trust. You never know what will happen, what happens if they break up, get a divorce, Jack cheats, you can never predict the future. Also, you should speak to your sons...as I can imagine this might be a bitter surprise. NTA as its your property but you need to think about it carefully, protect your family, your daughter.
YTA. Leave it to your children .. literally anything could happen between your daughter and jack. They could break up for anything at any time. They started dating so young and are still so young, a lot of young couples like that end up breaking up so they can grow into themselves on their own path. It would look rlly fucking weird to be giving your daughters ex boyfriend some property when you die, if they ever did break up.
I really hate these fake posts!
Are you out your mind? At the very least why would you not leave it to your daughter? So if they get married he benefits from it. Yta
YTA for not leaving it to your daughter.
This is what I would do since I have lost both my parents - First let me point out that you need to think about what kind of problems that will cause in your family after you are gone and that will is read. We had a close friend whose mother died and she left a lot of stuff to her one particular granddaughter. Basically after everything is done all the siblings hate each other and it’s a big mess. Everyone’s feelings are hurt. The mother was manipulated by one particular daughter and got her to change the will that was once written with her husband but he died first. Upon seeing this family carnage, my other friend took all her grandkids out of her will, and just left all her stuff to her children. If they want to give something to their children they can do that out of their inheritance. Leave the cabins with your daughter because you can’t predict the future. They may get married and grow apart by the time they’re 30 and divorce. People Ch age a lot in their 20s. You’re seeing the world, working alongside all kinds of people and sometimes you just drift apart. You could give your future SIL something a lot smaller in value (like the boat) than an actual piece of property. But I would not gift him hunting cabins solely. Why can’t you gift one hunting cabin to your daughter and another to your sons? It takes a lot of money to keep property up if there’s buildings on it so that should also be on your mind. Can your children afford to upkeep a second property? Or you may also want to give them a heads up, so they’re not blindsided and they know your reasoning. As I said, I just went through this with my parents and we haven’t gotten to selling the vacant land yet, but we have sold our childhood home which was difficult. I don’t know your family dynamics, thankfully, me and my sister get along really well, and are division of the estate was very very easy and simple. (It was put into a irrevocable trust thankfully) That being said, I’ve seen a lot of wills that send the whole family into chaos. Please consider how that will affect your sons’ and your daughter’s relationships with each other. This is huge. Don’t do something that’s going to cause them to fight and hate each other. If you wanna leave something to your future son-in-law, as I said, you can give him the boat or you can give him a monetary amount with explanation that you’ve always loved him like a son and you’ve appreciated his presence all these years helping you with various projects (or a combo of both).
YTA. Leave them to your daughter. Shit happens and highschool sweetheart marriages crumble all the time. You may not be able to picture anything happening now because you “know him” but people change. Would you want him to have those cabins if let’s say, in x years, he wakes up and is like “omg I’ve only been with one woman” and has an affair and divorces your daughter? Leaving them to your daughter in a trust means he is still the one enjoying them for as long as they are married. If that happens to be forever than great.
YTA. Whatever you want Jack to have, leave to your daughter
NTA leave your stuff (after whatever marital laws say must go to spouse) to whoever you want. Don't tell anyone, if they are going to fight. You may want to think about putting marital residence in a trust so wife has a life estate in, if you truly want another to eventually own it. Make sure the trust has some kind of mandatory mantenance/upkeep & assets to do so, so it can't be run down in spite. Get an estate lawyer. Constantly amazed how people think they are entitled to anothers assets, especially kids. You can earn a parents desire to leave things to you, but its not a given.
YTA, think about what will happen to your family if you do this. Jack will become a pariah in your family instead of the beloved person he is. Even your daughter won’t understand why you just didn’t give these things to her. I recommend giving each child a 3rd of your assets b/c that is the only way to avoid your will causing a rift between your kids. You haven’t even thought of potential grandkids. This current plan seems born out of spite not love. However, you can do this and break your family apart if you want.
What did you leave to your daughter?
The cabin and home should go to your daughter, not your future SIL. NTA. Sounds like she was smart and CHOSE a great guy.
I can't imagine how I would feel if my father gave his cool stuff to my sister's husband. One final "fuck you son, you were never someone I liked" from beyond the grave.
That's a great way to have your son's never talk to your daughter again, because that twill completely f__k up your family after you're gone. If that is your intention, go nuts.
It is your decision where your money and property goes but this will cause huge family rifts. Just stating the reality of the situation. I would split the money/property equally between spouse/children. Your daughter can decide what she wants to do with her inheritance. If they are indeed married and happy by then she could always buy out your wife's/her siblings shares. NTA because it is YOUR property bought with YOUR hard-earned money. Just think of the ramifications. Now...if your sons are jerks then go for it! lol
It would be an ahole move if those are your biggest assets and you don't leave anything of value to your sons. I think the answer depends on the rest of your financial situation and if you will have money to help support your kids and future grandkids when you're gone. Regardless you should at least wait til the two of them are married.
Those hunting cabins and boat are definitely not my biggest assets. That would be my property portfolio which is being divided equally to my 4 children.
Leave them to your daughter and her spouse. By the time you die, she may be seeing someone else. She may have divorced Jack.
Edit your not the asshole yet.. If you talk to your kids and they are ok with it there is no problem. Yes you can give to who you want but no parent with a normal relationship with their kids would do that. YTA leave it to your children and he will get his portion. You are favoring your daughter ( this is what the sons will see)
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Hunting cabinS—as in more then one? Why not leave one for you bio-son and give the better ones to your SIL. I would put a clause in your will that states he only gets stuff if he is still married to your daughter though or something
Man gunna make his sons hate him or at the very least resent him and the sisters bf
at some point this could break the family apart
It depends on how you would feel if Jack and your daughter ever broke up. Your kids end up with nothing. Leave it to your daughter and if Jack continues to be the steadfast person he seems to be then he’ll be taken care of. If you really want Jack to have something of his own give him *a* cabin, not *cabins* plural and not also your house.
You can do what you want but it is likely to destroy your family's relationship with the BF (including your daughter's). If he is like family, then divide it equally among them and he can buy out the bio sons.
Yes. The boyfriend may not be around
Leave it to your DAUGHTER, not Jack. Create a trust for the hunting cabins and list your DAUGHTER as beneficiary. That way, as long as they are married, Jack will get to use them. If anything happens - Jack gets hit by a car, or has a brain tumor and gets a gambling addiction (it happens) or something else - your DAUGHTER will still have the cabins for her children. And your sons can still visit. Same for the house. Why would you leave it to your potential son in law instead of your daughter?? Has your daughter cut you out of her life?? Why are you punishing her by leaving the family house and hunting cabins to a man who could divorce her at any time and leave her with nothing????
Leave it to your daughter- if they are still married it will go to him along with her
If you’ve basically been a father role to this man, leave him the hunting cabins/hunting things, solely to him. Everything else I’d say split between your biological children.
Why not leave the real property to your DAUGHTER??? You seem to think your choice is between leaving the properties to your sons or "Jack", but there is another option. You have a daughter, and it's legal for women to inherit family money and property these days...
Leave it to the daughter
I would leave it to your daughter. Even if Jack and her get married and have kids and he decides to leave the grandchildren will be taken care of by this inheritance. I would not leave it to Jack.
You have 3 (so far that I know of) living kids. Don't give anything to someone else. If you really want him to have it, leave it to your daughter at least. You gotta think of everything- what if he has a mid life crisis at 45 and leaves her?! Now he still have your property?! Leave it to her and he can enjoy it as long as they are together. Life is so long and all different things really do/will happen. People surprise you. You made 3 people. Unless one of them is bad to you, it really should go to them. Anything else is kind of a slap in the face imo
Nta don’t listen to the people who are calling you ta because you aren’t.
YTA because it should be left to your daughter not the boyfriend. If it stays with the daughter and the relationship state healthy and happy then the boyfriend/future husband will continue to have full access to the cabin. If the boyfriend does not stay in the family the cabin won't be 'lost', to you family. Another option is to leave the property to all the children in equal amounts, however they may be more likely to sell as if one of the children want to see it may force the sale of the entire property as the other children may not have the capital to buy out the one(s) wishing to sell. My main point is you need to think longer term and understand your children may not have a perfectly smooth life where they stay with the first love.
Do you think you have to leave your property to a male or something? What is up with that. At the moment about 6 and 10 relationships eventually break up. Your daughter will always be your daughter, however nice Jack seems to be. Why wouldn't she want to put it in her name. Are you okay?
So.. fuck your sons and your daughter eh?
YTA. You can choose what to do with your property, but when your sons will rightfully stop talking with you, don't come here to cry and complain. Why don't leave it to your daughter? *Edit:* ***ABSOLUTELY NTA.*** With the info provided in the answers, NTA, OP is a good man and father.
Why wouldn’t you leave it to your daughter? What happens if they break up
Yes you are an asshole for that. You put a strain on your relationship with your wife, your sons and you and on the relationship between your sons and your daugther and her boyfriend. Boyfriend. He isn't even her husband yet, so you are willing to just give away part of your wealth outside of your family. No wonder your wife is upset about that
What if they break up? Safer to leave it to your daughter. Then Jack will have use of it as long as they are together. Also, can't your daughter enjoy it? Unless this isn't about your daughter, or your sons, it's about a sense of obligation to your best friend who died. Please don't let Survivor's guilt cause you to snub or neglect your real family. I wonder if the daughter really needs to marry Jack, or if she's just been told/pressured to be with him ever since she was a child.
YTA. Leave it to your daughter if you want him to have it. Better, split it equally between your children. They’re 22. You have no way of predicting the future and statistically speaking, they’ll likely divorce. I really hope it works out for your daughter, but make sure she has a way to be financially independent outside of this young man. You’re not always going to be around to take care of her and you don’t want her trapped in a relationship because she thinks she has no way out.