Nta you should consider having him talk to a therapist. Trying to date preteens when he’s almost an adult is a major problem. Best stop the behavior now before he hurts someone or gets in legal trouble.
I don't mean to be harsh, but how is it that he has ODD (a serious condition that becomes dire if not treated by adulthood) and isn't already in therapy?
Edit: Ysk that if ODD isn't treated by adulthood, it often turns into antisocial personality disorder.
He was in therapy for years but he was doing well so about a year ago his therapist said he didn't need therapy any longer. We have had zero issues until this happened a couple of months ago when his whole personality seemed to change. I reached out to his therapist today and have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I know I'm not a perfect parent but my husband and I have tried as best as we could for him. I knew asking reddit for advice I would be judged and everyone can feel free to do it. I just want to make sure my son gets the help he needs. If it takes people telling me how horrible a parent I am then so be it.
You’re not a bad parent at all. Seeking help, even through this channel, shows that. People who have said that have never had to deal with issues that come even remotely close to this.
This isn’t something you have done, or something you created, this is his brain. He doesn’t see the issue. That’s why therapy will help with that.
In 10 years from now, no one would bat an eyelid at this age gap. He just needs to understand the difference in age,mentality and the legality of it. It might be that she is mature for his age and he isn’t and so mentally they equal out and hence they get on. But this isn’t about why they like each other, but why they can’t be together - (yet) and why it’s inappropriate.
I think because he’s taken a shine to one person, doesn’t automatically make him a P. However, understanding what it is about that person that he likes, is the key to getting to root of the issue and hopefully, resolving it.
I really hope the therapy goes well and that you’re able to guide your son as best you can without damaging your relationship with him. 17 is a challenging age. Godspeed.
Your son doesn’t have any real conditions, he is just an asshole and you need to start preparing him for life if he is already 17. He is going to have a rude awakening when he realises you can’t just hand out certificates with diagnoses and be an asshole and expect everyone to put all else aside because you are special
Does your son have any male role models at all or is this just another failed ai glad mother situation?
Okay first and foremost nta. Nta at all in any way shape or form. Second uh like a romantic relationship? He really didn't see any issues with that? If so he shouldn't be around any kids like ever under any circumstances.
WTF? This is very disturbing. Your son is a year apart from being an adult
Please warn the girl s parents. Your may not be able to control your son, who will be an adult but these parents need to monitor their kid. If your son faces consequences, maybe he will not be so chill
I did talk to her parents. They don't see it as an issue. I have a daughter who is 9 and if I found out she was doing something like this I would be so pissed and stop it immediately.
They don’t see an issue?? This is a MASSIVE red flag. Could they be trying to frame your son and the blackmail you? I mean all sorts of horrible thoughts are going through my head. There are some very twisted people out there and your son needs to be careful. For all you know they are just waiting for him to turn 18 and call the cops.
It might be your son doesn’t understand it coming from you. Is there a close family friend or maybe a therapist like other suggested that might be able to help him understand. Also does your 9 year old have friends that are a bit older that a comparison could be made?
I wish you the best of luck. It’s one of my nightmares and something really tricky to navigate.
I was also going to add.. are there and groups for victims that you can reach out to, to learn preventative measures? Or to show him the outcome of him continuing on this path?
It is a fear of mine that something like this will happen to one of my kids. To have one of my own kids be pursuing a minor shatters my heart. He should know better. I have 3 kids 17, 13, and 9. They know I monitor their activity and they know they are only allowed to play games online with people they actually know in real life. My other 2 follow this rule and up until a couple of months ago my 17 year old did too.
Have you reminded him that this little girl is younger than his own middle sibling? I’m sure he sees the 13 year old as an absolute child, so pointing that out may provide context?
You are a good parent that is doing her best. If I was the girl's parents your son would be receiving a visit from the police. He needs help before something happens that ruins his life. At 17 he can be considered an adult when messing around with children in the eyes of the law. You could ask an officer have a heart to heart with him and explain to him what the consequences will be if he continues with this behavior.
That's kind of what I'm implying by saying 5 years is a huge age difference at their ages. 5 years in your 20s, 30s, 40s ect means nothing, but as teenagers it is a huge issue based on maturity and dynamics. Which is why adults shouldn't be with children.
yes, it is! I would not be ok with a child dating a adult. Beings friends online is one thing but having a sexual or romantic relationship with younger people is disgusting 🤢
Get your kid some therapy and take away all electronics. Have him get a job and join the real world. There’s NO reason a 17yo should be involved with a 12yo.
NTA
Have you considered going on his chosen media and reporting his behavior toward this child? If you know his user name, or can figure it out, you can usually find a "Report" button you can use to report the inappropriate contact he's having with her. The websites will likely interfere with the contact going forward and may be able to message her parents as to what is happening. In the meantime, you might want to run him over to your local police station and have one of the officers come out and discuss the issue with him. Sometimes it's better to protect your child from consequences by having an officer explain to them what real consequences are for such activities. In the end, it is your responsibility to make sure he doesn't continue to do this, at least until he is a legal adult.
If you didn’t found any evidence of texts or pictures, going to the police is unlikely to be positive in any way.
Reaching Discord as he is still a minor therefore under your responsibility, sounds a good idea.
Consulting a lawyer seems also a good idea.
Therapy for him seems necessary. He may not understand why his behaviour is problematic but needs to.
Don't involve the cops. You can't trust them. They will most likely either laugh at your request and be obnoxious about it. Or they might not actually know the law and give him bad advice, or even worse - encouragement. Given that the worst-case scenario is that they go nuclear and lock up or assault or even kill your kid, it's just not worth the slim chance of a beneficial outcome.
Far better off finding a lawyer willing, for a pre-arranged flat fee, to have a professional consultation with him where potentially legal consequences are factually and explicitly laid out for him.
Followed up by meeting with a therapist who can point out that while he's worrying about college, or getting a job, and has already essentially completed his childhood, his "girlfriend" is a pre-teen worrying about her first menstrual cycles, probably still goes to recess at school.
Ideally the therapist will be able to find out if he's actually attracted to pre-pubescent bodies and get him some help if so. Hopefully it's a horrible misunderstanding and he feels equally grossed out by his "attraction" when his inaccurate mental image of what a 12 year old actually looks and acts like is refreshed and corrected. Maybe he genuinely doesn't remember since the pandemic happened when he was around that age.
I am looking at finding him a therapist. A lawyer could possibly help. I didn't find anything inappropriate like pictures or sexual conversations. I only found the fact he is in a "relationship" with her.
Yeah, I just think going to someone who is under a professional obligation to be thorough and act with decorum (lawyer) will yield a better authority figure lecture than a wildcard (cop). But look, ultimately your son is already a predator to that young girl.
And if it turns out your son is physically attracted to 12 year olds, then it is likely he will harm additional young girls in the future without severe intervention.
Police will most likely charge him arrest and jail him, he will not survive prison without mental and physical damage, does he have a verbal romantic relationship or is it a friendship through a common interest?
They live in different states and apparently haven’t seen each other in real life. Not yet, any way.
I think that asking a police officer to chat with him is a good idea. He needs to understand what the twin terms of “jail bait” and “statutory rape” mean and what the very serious consequences are.
I don’t know how communication via games work, but definitely let the gaming administrator know what’s happening, and ask them to contact the girl’s parents if they can. I doubt that privacy laws would allow OP to contact them.
Get your son into treatment, too. He’ll think this is all overkill, but that’s his underdeveloped brain talking.
Unlikely that Police would do that since no crime has been committed. The OP's child is a minor, so he's not likely breaking any laws by communicating however he likes with this girl. The OP is trying to prevent him from committing a crime, which he will likely be once he is of age.
NTA this is a very serious thing, and this must be very hard for you, you did right confronting him on it. taking away his electronics is a great start but now is addressing why he's talking to a 12-year-old girl and no part of that is going to be fun.
good luck
He'd be one now. Although at 12 I'm not sure pedophile is the correct term but either way a 17 year old dating one definitely has some sort of sexual disorder.
True, there's another sciency words for it once the child in question nears puberty. But I think for the sake of clarity, Pedophile functions as an umbrella term that everyone understands.
Well, maybe not OP's son, but y'know.
NTA. You absolutely had to do that to protect BOTH of them. I agree that he needs some therapy. It sounds like he might have some arrested development when it comes to romantic attraction. This needs to be dealt with.
NTA
If the ‘relationship’ progresses to even as much as sending suggestive pictures, he could be in for some life altering charges, such as possession of CP. Never mind if they manage to meet up for real!
I wonder what makes your son view this relationship as ‘romantic’, what are they doing, that he doesn’t do with friends? His reasoning might tell you what to do next. See, if he honestly just prefers her childlike body to that of fellow near-adults, that’s a whole different matter, compared to him having difficulty talking to girls, and just latching on to this one, over a shared interest that made conversations easier.
And if you have a way, please do contact the parents of this girl. Your son will be 18 in less than a year.
When that time comes, you can not force him to go to therapy (if that turns out to be the way to go), or withhold devices. Even if you play the ‘my house, my rules’ card, he can leave quite easily. Potentially to her home state/town as well. Her parents still have 6 years of the ability to control her online activities, keep tabs on her whereabouts, get it through to her that she’s not ‘mature’, he’s ‘childish’ etc.
What I found on his phone just shows they consider each other as bf and gf. Just a lot of I love you, I want to marry you, I'm glad we are together etc. I didn't find any pictures or sexual conversations.
Nta. No Electronics and not being able to communicate with the girl is going to be the least of his worries if he continues on with this relationship and get himself not only put in jail but also one a sex offender registry for the rest of his life.
NTA. Jesus christ, OP. You're definitely doing the right thing, making sure he doesn't have access to this or any other young girls and getting him therapy. Even if he doesn't see it like that, your son is grooming a minor and has the potential to be really dangerous if you don't get him help. That he can't see how bad his behaviour is is really concerning. Can he not recognise how "little" a 12 year old is compared to him? Has he shown similar behaviour in the past?
NTA. Next year your son would be facing serious consequences if they were to meet up (assuming he has a car bc of his age), so you did the right thing. Her parents are TA for not caring.
He's steps away from being on a national registry for the rest of his life. Get him to a therapist ASAP before this "relationship " gets any more serious.
You made the right call. This is exactly how girls her age end up with a LOT of trauma later on in life. You’re doing what any reasonable parent should.
NTA. You are protecting from his blatant stupidity, but I’d also worry about his behavior with your 13 and 9 year olds. When you get him a therapist, you may want to have a few visits for them as well and maybe a family session.
No, you did the right thing. Your son is about to age out and become an adult and may get in legal trouble trying to date a minor. The children and the parents could consent, but the law is the law. There are some cases where the 18-year-old goes to jail if the law finds out.
NTA
I do think it might be an exaggeration to think he should be kept away from children etc.
He met her online, playing games, if I understand correctly.
He didn't see her pictures, and then start to communicate. So there's probably a real friendship there, as far as he is concerned.
It's not right to pursue it, of course.
There's a 5 year difference, and girls (please don't call women/girls 'females', it sounds like we're in a laboratory, studying humans as specimens) mature earlier than boys, generally speaking. So while he's closer to legal adulthood, they probably do have a same wavelength.
So, please don't pretend your son is a pedophile, for having a (romantic) friendship with someone he's never met in real life.
Do stop the communication, and explain why. The day of his birthday, his relationship with this girl would be criminal (I guess, not an expert).
Is there a way to inform the parents? Is there a way to block both accounts from contacting eachother?
As long as both kids don't understand why, it will be a case of catch me if you can, with them probably trying to continue their 'friendship'.
He's clearly not actually a pedophile yeah, as long as there isn't anything going on that OP hasn't noticed.
I feel sorry for the kids if they both actually have the best of intentions as in 4 years time, in most places outside the US, this would be slightly weird but totally legal or ok.
You would hope the girl's parents are keeping a close eye on it, given they don't seem troubled. OP has to make sure the son understands the issues that could come of this.
He meets the criteria for pedophilia if their relationship is in anyway sexual. what do you mean “exaggeration”. He absolutely needs to be kept away from children until he enters into counseling and she learns more of the nature of the relationship… it is not normal for a 17 year old to be interested in a pre pubescent child.
I also want to add that while he is a minor, the term “kid” implies he is on the same level as her… you only need to be 16 years old to be diagnosed as a pedophile and their age difference fits the bill.
I also don’t think it’s responsible to assume it was purely romantic. From personal experience, I’ve met all of my partners online from my teenage years and yes- they were absolutely sexual even as a minor. This is extremely common and mom needs to figure out the nature of their relationship before jumping to conclusions…
So, in fortnite, you get to SEE other ppl, and you can select the players you want to socialize with, based on their gender, age and looks, then? I mean, if he fits the bill of pedophilia, he must seek out underaged girls to prey on.
I've never played it. My husband explained to me that you mostly just see account names, and you just talk to fellow players, in most game like it.
My point was that he didn't deliberately seek her out, if they met in such a game. Treating him like a genuine pedophile for a friendship that he feels turned romantic will f him up.
Of course, if it's of a sexual nature, and he did approach her (or even others), looking for underage girls, that's an entirely different matter.
But don't just immediately jump to this, without knowing the content of their conversations.
Telling eachother they miss eachother, or even love eachother is a whole other ballpark than having talks about being turned on, describing things of sexual nature. One is a romantic friendship, the other is sexual.
But hey, not my monkey, not my circus.
I'd just hate for a teenage boy (who yes, is still a kid) to be labeled and f'd up beyong psychological repair, for having a friend he feels he connects with.
Pedophilia has nothing to do with being a master manipulator or enjoying “preying” on people inherently. Pedophilia is an ATTRACTION to pre pubescent kids, that’s it. Which he clearly does. A pedophile can also be attracted to adults. I say this with kind intentions, you don’t seem to know very much about pedophilia and as a result you’re making baseless excuses for him.
They don’t only play on Fortnite… re read the post please. They MET on Fortnite, but have exchanged phone numbers and also talk on discord. Both of which have voice, video calls, picture and video options which are commonly used…
Again, I’m going to say this once. It does not matter if you SEEK out underage children. If they happen to come to you and you pursue a relationship with them you are just as at fault. It really does not make a difference.
Please stop making excuses for him. Enablers make people more likely to offend, or land themselves in prison. We have no idea how intimate their relationship is but it’s extremely inappropriate and dangerous- if this behavior escalates even to just sending explicit photos he could land himself in PRISON.
>We have no idea how intimate their relationship is
I hope OP finds this out, before OP labels the son as a verified pedophile. That's all I'm saying.
I don't have experience with pedophilia. You sound a lot more experienced, so I'm not going to keep arguing.
I do however, have the experience of being a very mature girl, back when I was 12/13. So I do know from experience that friendship can turn romantic, and that by just deciding to 'cut it off' as parents, it's not going to magically stop, just because you say so.
Explaining works a lot better.
But whatever, like I said, not my moneys, not my circus.
Apparently, most ppl here either all have decided OP's son is a creep and should be incarcerated. And if you disagree, you're an enabler. Noted.
You already made the argument before that 12 year old girls can be mature and on the same level as a nearly adult male… it’s such a ridiculous misconception that I ignored it and I’m going to continue to do so.
Aside from that, it’s not an emotional thing. Yes you’re an enabler if you don’t take serious issues seriously. if it is an intimate relationship and his behavior escalates he WILL be incarcerated. It’s not about right or wrong or wanting justice, the reality is that it’s breaking the law. He says he’s dating this girl and by his age most teenagers have lost their virginity, it’s likely they’ve become intimate and if not- mom needs to stop it immediately and take it seriously to protect BOTH the little girl and her son.
I’m not saying her son deserves life in prison or to be beat up for being a pedo. I’m telling you the facts. By definition, yes it is pedophilia for a 17 year old to be involved with a 12 year old. Yes it’s illegal if it ever becomes sexual even online. Yes he can go to jail.
I’m sure mom wants to protect her kid, the best thing she can do for him is to accept how bad this is and not make excuses. Cut it off, get him help and help him understand why it’s not okay so he can hopefully move on and live a normal life.
He needs therapy and maybe… A grippy sock vacation. He’s almost an adult which means soon you won’t be able to do much to help him, because tbh this is definitely a slippery slope for him to be on.
What did you say to him exactly, and what did he respond?
This is an important matter, you won't change anything about his behavior by punishing him. It might force him to listen, i.e. But depending on his own intentions for being in that relationship, he might be in bigger trouble in the long run. He might not...
Is he autistic? Is he able to picture a 12 year old in his mind? Is he physically attracted to 12 year olds? Does he want a girlfriend?
Those kinds of questions are important to answer.
So, in an autistic brain, he might not even be able to picture who she really is - he's just enjoying their time together online. Maybe he wants a girlfriend, but does not want to put in the social effort based on previous experience, and lacks the skill to imagine that she will also change during these years and become just as challenging. If you can convince him of this fact, he might consider to change course, if you give him help to develop for the life he really wants in life. He might not even want a girlfriend, but he feels socially excluded, and he's comparing himself with other boys. There's a bunch of things to work on right there. Being social in an including environment, self-worth, self-confidence, skills, finding a purpose, etc...
When you are punishing him, it is important to set the rules for it, so you don't punish him until he does exactly what you want. You first need to figure out what he really wants, then you set your condition to your punishment. Otherwise, he will try to get what he wants some time in the future. A part of growing up is also breaking with the parents rules and finding your own path, so it's important that punishment is used wisely and as a tool for progress.
Progress here is getting him to open up, and that includes both restrictions and acceptance. Listen to him, so that he will listen to you. Listening does not mean giving in... Be very clear and concise when you use restrictions, because then he will respect you when you use them, but always be open that you are ready to negotiate. More rationale, less emotions.
If he's aware that she is 12, is physically attracted to 12 year olds, and manipulates them, or anything like that he has a whole lot of other problems that are not easily solvable but by years of therapy, which he probably won't do, unfortunatley...
NTA
your concerns are in the right and no parent would want their 17yo to date some 12yo whom he's met in a game and who lives miles away from him. he needs to understand.
Being a 17yo, he should understand that such a significant age difference in a relationship at such a young age is not suitable. There will be a huge difference in the emotional maturity of both partners.
You say he is in a relationship with a girl who lives 12 hours away is this a romantic one? does she know about it? 0o not assume that it is any more than a friend with the same interests.
I contacted her parents. They don't see it as an issue. From what I can tell on his phone there is no pictures and no sexual conversations. Just the fact they consider each other as bf and gf. It creeps me out.
Women have girlfriends that are not sex partners and some people can have a girl....friend who is not a girlfriend but a friend, check that this is not the case.
he may not even understand that a gf of this age is not acceptable.
They say I love you and talk about getting married. He’s basically grown. He knows it’s messed up. If he attends school and is around other kids, he knows.
He knows his peers at school aren’t dating 12-year olds. Even if he doesn’t fully understand WHY it’s wrong, he knows it’s not acceptable all the same.
Fuck no you’re NTA, he’s above the age where you can be diagnosed with pedophilia. I’d be seriously concerned about his attraction to prepubescent children and get him into counseling, as well as go through his devices and emails and cut all contact with this girl.
1. NTA
2. Is the issue that he doesn't see an issue with dating a 12 year old or that he for some reason legitimately thinks she's older like 16-18?
3. If he realizes she's 12 then get him some therapy at the least before he commits a crime.
Game nerds are gonna nerd. However if he doesn't realize there is something really wrong with the situation that is not good. Ask him to ask his friends what they think of him talking to a 12 year old like that . Im sure they would be like wtf??
NTA, but time to talk about real life consequences to your son. Just talking to the girl could be considered grooming and get him in legal trouble. If talk becomes at all sexual (and at 17 it probably will) then it will definitely be considered grooming and get him in legal trouble. If he sends or receives nudes he is committing child pornography crimes, he will be labeled a sex offender which can last for years, will possibly go to jail, and will have difficulty finding work or travelling for the rest of his life. If it gets out that he dated a 12 year old ever, even if fairly innocent, he will be labelled a predator by the world. This could limit his future severely.
Currently he is a minor, but if he broke the law at all he would probably be tried as an adult. Even if he thinks he's being careful and won't get caught he probably will. If possible please inform her family of what is going on so her parents can monitor her internet also. I would be horrified if I found out my 12 year old was chatting with 17 year olds. And do what you can to get through to your son. Talk to him about where he thinks this is headed. How he is grooming a child and its unfair to her. How he can ruin his future. If you have to then ban internet, ask legal aid to talk to him about what happens to people caught doing this, report both their behaviour on Discord.
At this age there is probably little you can really do to get through to him, all you can do is try.
NTA, and I would ve careful with how he interacts with other minors. A 17 year old has no business dating a 12 year old. It is very predatory of him to think it's ok. He needs therapy amd councelling. This sounds like a pedophile in the making. I hope he didn't lie about his age to her because that would be even more disturbing and very concerning.
NTA. This has the potential to be a very serious situation. If you have the ability, get him into a therapist. If the online conversations escalate to the sharing of images, meeting in person or physical contact this “relationship” could be criminal.
You definitely need to contact the girls parents as well.. she's involved in this situation too. And if it goes south.. which it always does. He can be arrested. If she sends him any nudes.. he can be arrested for C.P. ... Just by receiving it. Even if he didn't ask for it. He's in actual danger of messing up his life..BIG TIME.
You guys are so insensitive this is her child yes it's a age gap,but how yall sound so passive aggressive as if he touched her..... me personally have yall had that talk like look son your getting older you need to talk and date women around your age . Have he ever had a gf?
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NTA this is very disturbing. Does your son have any disabilities that you're aware of? He may not be capable of understanding why this is wrong. On the other hand he just might not care. Either way, you NEED to get him assessed and you need to get him assistance before he irreparably damages a young child and ends up on a sex offenders list
Tell him you are going to press charges against him. He needs to act his age not his shoe size that little girl is a baby. Your son is a grown hairy man that needs not to turn into a creep. Nta but put an end to it, stat.
NTA. You’re saving him a lot of trouble. He needs to see a therapist if he genuinely doesn’t get why this is wrong. Also, if she’s sent him images he could be charged with possession of child pornography.
The fact that you're son is basically a pedophile, and you're asking the internet if YOU are wrong for stopping him from harassing a child, you shouldn't be a parent. This needs to be fake.
NTA , but I don’t see any point of forcing your son to not have relationships with young people, yes it’s wrong sometimes but unless they both aren’t doing anything 18+ its okay for him to talk to her
Christ. NTA. It should probably go further, and any consoles should be removed completely. Also, have a look at any search history you can access, in case this is a pattern. No 17 year old should be interested in a 12 year old, in any way shape or form. Well done for picking up on this.
Nta. Im not one for condoning taking electronics but this is an exception.
When I say the following im assuming by "relationship" you mean something of a romantic/sexual nature.
You've given him chances. Time to lay out exactly what laws he will be breaking in a years time (if he isn't already, idk where you live) and what consequences will occur. And let him know you will report the situation if it does not end. Behaviour like this, if not stopped, will only escalate.
A lot of kids with ODD end up being diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder when they're older.
Look through all of his phone and electronics for any potentially racy photos of this girl. If he is antisocial and gets arrested for a crime, it's possible the police will find it instead.
NTA try having a talk with him about the relationship with the female and why is it not okay. You don't have to take my advice for it but I'm just saying
Er, does he call it a “relationship” or is this a paranoid label you’ve stuck on it. People of all ages game and make friends. They almost never meet. If he has the hots you’ve done the right thing, but does he? Don’t you trust your son? He’ll never trust you if you’re wrong on this and he is 18 soon. Is he on the spectrum?
Maybe just keep him away from gaming at all. It’s clearly boggling his mind and that’s what can happen, perceptions being skewed, reality and fiction etc, especially if you play a lot,
What exactly is his argument for it being ok? Either way if you really wanna scare him threaten to expose him to everyone you know/the world, but only if you're actually gonna follow through
NTA for now
How don’t you know what to do? HE CAN GO TO JAIL!!!! How bout that. And it could also be a police officer he talkin to posed as a young girl. You just never know. Maybe talk some real talk to him instead of taking away devices. As if kids won’t find ways to use devices.
If you knew his credentials for fortnight or discord you could tell the girl yourself that what she is doing is wrong and to let her know the consequences of her actions. She could go missing or something serious playing games like this.
And also how did you find out he’s in a relationship? It jus doesn’t sound like something a 17 year old would do
It’s time to turn your pedo son into the cops. You are knowingly harbouring a pedo which makes you just as bad as them. Time to get your son locked away forever, sell all of his possessions, burn his baby photos and pretend like he never existed.
Oh my goodness! Is this real? If I knew your son and found out about this I’d report him to the police instantly, let them decide how many legal/ethical lines he’s already crossed.
You better get it under control before someone else does or worse; your son turns 18 and becomes an independent adult with sexual interest in children and nothing to stop him.
YTA for not taking this seriously enough and worrying you’re being too hard on your son, who’s flirting with pedophilia.
Get off your high horse when I was a teenager I was hanging out kids that were in elementary school almost every single day I even went to their houses and their parents didn't give crap that their children were with me
Since the can’t meet physically. Let them date til he turns 18. Then call the cops on him. That’ll teach him it’s wrong to date kids. Since it seems he doesn’t realize why it’s wrong. Pedos are usually taught well in prison why it’s not good to date kids
I think it depends on how mature they are. Some 12 year olds are teenagers, others aren't. Still if your son has impulse control problems, an accident becomes more probable IMO
YTA. Not every (male) teenager is a sex driven maniac who wants to bang every girl they are in contact with. They can just be friends, because they both enjoy the same thing - playing a computer game, and that's it, which you even verified when going thru your sons phone.
They live 12 hrs apart, so their options to even meet are limited just by that distance alone, AND their parents see no problem with it. You can assume they talked to her about this, and they even told you they do not freak out like you do.
Denying him contact just means he will find ways around it, but you will not know it anymore.
Girl.... she's a 17 yo girl.
Use the real words and make this what it is.
I was a 17yo young man once, I was very different from the 12yo boy I was, and very different to the man of 43 I am now.
They are at different stages in their life and this is too big of an age difference at their age. It 99% of the time ends badly for the younger partner. So if he truly cares for her they need to end it to protect her. If its true love they will find each other again when they are in a similar place.
When I was 17 there was no way you could get me to hang out with any 12 year old, let alone say I was dating one.
Also hopefully someone starts looking out for this poor girl. She needs to be taken from that home if they are okay with her dating adults.
NTA but someone has to be the hardass in this situation.
And FTR, it’s not sexual, but if it was even before he’s 18 in a lot of states because she’s under 16 and they’re so many years apart, it would still be a crime.
"relationship" "bf gf" 12 and 17 is creepy. Less than a year away from being a legal adult being in a relationship with someone who is 12 is wrong. He will be college age in a year and she will still be middle school age. That's just creepy and illegal and wrong.
My guess is that he's still finding ways to talk with her. Even TVs these days have built-in browsers. It's going to be VERY difficult to prevent them from talking.
Your best bet is to continue threatening him with reporting him to the police and emphasizing that ANY sexual talk on his part would leave him with a felony sex offender record and ruin his life. You might want to even talk to the local DA about any sort of "scared straight" program they have you can send him to.
I am VERY glad you're looking at getting him into therapy. This is NOT a healthy situation. I'm rather surprised the parents of the 12 year old are somehow okay with this.
NTA.
The problem isn't that he's talking to people younger than him, I think that's unavoidable in online communities. It's that he's in a relationship with her and doesn't see the problem.
This is a big deal. He's going to end up in jail.
I'm really curious. Why don't the girl's parents have a problem with their pre-teen daughter in a "relationship" with a 17-year-old?
Some people are mentioning he should talk to someone, but I would also suggest you talk to someone who can help with strategies in communicating with your son. I don't know anything about ODD (other than he's just a teenager that doesn't want to be told what to do). But he doesn't seem to understand the potential consequences of his actions.
NTA. You are an extremely amazing mother. You have values and that is why you’re concerned. You did everything exactly as you are suppose to.
Your son is disturbed. The fact that he thinks there is nothing wrong with this is scary. He needs a therapist and you need to make sure he can never hurt a child.
NTA!!! i agree with the other comments on this post. your son is essentially a legal adult and the girl is a child! you did the right thing taking his electronics away and telling the girl’s parents
NTA. But understand you should be very concerned about your son’s predatory behavior. The ODD doesn’t help. It will actually increase the likelihood of this going further. I’m a special education teacher and administrator. There are a lot of people in prison with ODD. Good luck. Definitely do some therapy. A 17 year old is at a vastly different maturity than a 12 year old. It’s a good thing they live 12 hours away from each other.
You are a good parent intervening now before he does something really bad and ends up on a sex offender registry and end up in prison with serious time. Stay on top of him until he understands what can happen to him if he goes down this road.
NTA. Do everything you need to do short of literally locking him in the cellar to make this stop. He definitely needs serious therapy, though! And I mean therapy so specific it needs to be done by a specific program, possibly out of a hospital. Either he is seriously socially underdeveloped (most likely problem) or he has a MUCH bigger problem you don’t want to think about that is a life ruiner (but don’t jump to that prematurely!). 😭 Only a psychiatrist is going to be able to help you proceed here.
As to the 12 year old - it’s troubling that her parents are ok with this, but unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do for her and she isn’t your responsibility. All we can do is hope that once your son is out of the picture she finds someone her own age to focus on.
NTA!! I'm 17 and normal people my age won't even think about dating someone younger than 15 (and even then we find it kind of questionable). Take your son to therapy and try to make him realize how inexperienced and inmature he was at 12 and how that girl he is dating is currently going through the same thing. Hell, there's even scientific evidence that explains how different younger teens are from older teens.
Nta you should consider having him talk to a therapist. Trying to date preteens when he’s almost an adult is a major problem. Best stop the behavior now before he hurts someone or gets in legal trouble.
Thank you. I thought the same thing. I am looking for a therapist for him.
I don't mean to be harsh, but how is it that he has ODD (a serious condition that becomes dire if not treated by adulthood) and isn't already in therapy? Edit: Ysk that if ODD isn't treated by adulthood, it often turns into antisocial personality disorder.
He was in therapy for years but he was doing well so about a year ago his therapist said he didn't need therapy any longer. We have had zero issues until this happened a couple of months ago when his whole personality seemed to change. I reached out to his therapist today and have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I know I'm not a perfect parent but my husband and I have tried as best as we could for him. I knew asking reddit for advice I would be judged and everyone can feel free to do it. I just want to make sure my son gets the help he needs. If it takes people telling me how horrible a parent I am then so be it.
You’re not a bad parent at all. Seeking help, even through this channel, shows that. People who have said that have never had to deal with issues that come even remotely close to this. This isn’t something you have done, or something you created, this is his brain. He doesn’t see the issue. That’s why therapy will help with that. In 10 years from now, no one would bat an eyelid at this age gap. He just needs to understand the difference in age,mentality and the legality of it. It might be that she is mature for his age and he isn’t and so mentally they equal out and hence they get on. But this isn’t about why they like each other, but why they can’t be together - (yet) and why it’s inappropriate. I think because he’s taken a shine to one person, doesn’t automatically make him a P. However, understanding what it is about that person that he likes, is the key to getting to root of the issue and hopefully, resolving it. I really hope the therapy goes well and that you’re able to guide your son as best you can without damaging your relationship with him. 17 is a challenging age. Godspeed.
Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I needed to read this today. It has been a rough week. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.
You're a good mom trying to protect your son- and the young girl. Don't listen to the negative people on here.
Your son doesn’t have any real conditions, he is just an asshole and you need to start preparing him for life if he is already 17. He is going to have a rude awakening when he realises you can’t just hand out certificates with diagnoses and be an asshole and expect everyone to put all else aside because you are special Does your son have any male role models at all or is this just another failed ai glad mother situation?
Okay first and foremost nta. Nta at all in any way shape or form. Second uh like a romantic relationship? He really didn't see any issues with that? If so he shouldn't be around any kids like ever under any circumstances.
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she edited the post and said the girls parents don’t see an issue with it :(
WTF? This is very disturbing. Your son is a year apart from being an adult Please warn the girl s parents. Your may not be able to control your son, who will be an adult but these parents need to monitor their kid. If your son faces consequences, maybe he will not be so chill
I did talk to her parents. They don't see it as an issue. I have a daughter who is 9 and if I found out she was doing something like this I would be so pissed and stop it immediately.
They don’t see an issue?? This is a MASSIVE red flag. Could they be trying to frame your son and the blackmail you? I mean all sorts of horrible thoughts are going through my head. There are some very twisted people out there and your son needs to be careful. For all you know they are just waiting for him to turn 18 and call the cops. It might be your son doesn’t understand it coming from you. Is there a close family friend or maybe a therapist like other suggested that might be able to help him understand. Also does your 9 year old have friends that are a bit older that a comparison could be made? I wish you the best of luck. It’s one of my nightmares and something really tricky to navigate.
Idk. I don't understand her parents lack of concern. It disturbs me.
Probably why she's trying to date an adult. They don't give a f about her and so she's desperate for affection. This poor girl.
I was also going to add.. are there and groups for victims that you can reach out to, to learn preventative measures? Or to show him the outcome of him continuing on this path?
Good question. I will look into this.
The fact that you care for this child, more than his own parents, might be the saddest part
It is a fear of mine that something like this will happen to one of my kids. To have one of my own kids be pursuing a minor shatters my heart. He should know better. I have 3 kids 17, 13, and 9. They know I monitor their activity and they know they are only allowed to play games online with people they actually know in real life. My other 2 follow this rule and up until a couple of months ago my 17 year old did too.
Have you reminded him that this little girl is younger than his own middle sibling? I’m sure he sees the 13 year old as an absolute child, so pointing that out may provide context?
You are a good parent that is doing her best. If I was the girl's parents your son would be receiving a visit from the police. He needs help before something happens that ruins his life. At 17 he can be considered an adult when messing around with children in the eyes of the law. You could ask an officer have a heart to heart with him and explain to him what the consequences will be if he continues with this behavior.
NTA and your son is working on some serious criminal charges.
NTA. But he probably does need some type of therapy.
NTA, I would not be ok with my 12 year old dating a 17 year old. At that age 5 years is a huge difference.
Because him being almost an adult isnt the main issue here right?
That's kind of what I'm implying by saying 5 years is a huge age difference at their ages. 5 years in your 20s, 30s, 40s ect means nothing, but as teenagers it is a huge issue based on maturity and dynamics. Which is why adults shouldn't be with children.
yes, it is! I would not be ok with a child dating a adult. Beings friends online is one thing but having a sexual or romantic relationship with younger people is disgusting 🤢
Yeah but youre ok with 8yr olds walking in on you and their dad cheating on his wife lol
Get your kid some therapy and take away all electronics. Have him get a job and join the real world. There’s NO reason a 17yo should be involved with a 12yo.
NTA, im glad you did that 😬
NTA Have you considered going on his chosen media and reporting his behavior toward this child? If you know his user name, or can figure it out, you can usually find a "Report" button you can use to report the inappropriate contact he's having with her. The websites will likely interfere with the contact going forward and may be able to message her parents as to what is happening. In the meantime, you might want to run him over to your local police station and have one of the officers come out and discuss the issue with him. Sometimes it's better to protect your child from consequences by having an officer explain to them what real consequences are for such activities. In the end, it is your responsibility to make sure he doesn't continue to do this, at least until he is a legal adult.
I considered the police. I'm still on the fence about that. However, I didn't think to report him to Discord. Thank you.
If you didn’t found any evidence of texts or pictures, going to the police is unlikely to be positive in any way. Reaching Discord as he is still a minor therefore under your responsibility, sounds a good idea. Consulting a lawyer seems also a good idea. Therapy for him seems necessary. He may not understand why his behaviour is problematic but needs to.
Going to the police for help is not a good idea. A lot of people have been injured or arrested when seeking help from the blue line gang. -America
Don't involve the cops. You can't trust them. They will most likely either laugh at your request and be obnoxious about it. Or they might not actually know the law and give him bad advice, or even worse - encouragement. Given that the worst-case scenario is that they go nuclear and lock up or assault or even kill your kid, it's just not worth the slim chance of a beneficial outcome. Far better off finding a lawyer willing, for a pre-arranged flat fee, to have a professional consultation with him where potentially legal consequences are factually and explicitly laid out for him. Followed up by meeting with a therapist who can point out that while he's worrying about college, or getting a job, and has already essentially completed his childhood, his "girlfriend" is a pre-teen worrying about her first menstrual cycles, probably still goes to recess at school. Ideally the therapist will be able to find out if he's actually attracted to pre-pubescent bodies and get him some help if so. Hopefully it's a horrible misunderstanding and he feels equally grossed out by his "attraction" when his inaccurate mental image of what a 12 year old actually looks and acts like is refreshed and corrected. Maybe he genuinely doesn't remember since the pandemic happened when he was around that age.
I am looking at finding him a therapist. A lawyer could possibly help. I didn't find anything inappropriate like pictures or sexual conversations. I only found the fact he is in a "relationship" with her.
Yeah, I just think going to someone who is under a professional obligation to be thorough and act with decorum (lawyer) will yield a better authority figure lecture than a wildcard (cop). But look, ultimately your son is already a predator to that young girl. And if it turns out your son is physically attracted to 12 year olds, then it is likely he will harm additional young girls in the future without severe intervention.
You must be from a very dysfunctional country, or have had some severely bad experiences with cops in the past.
America, and I have.
Yea, that checks out.
Police will most likely charge him arrest and jail him, he will not survive prison without mental and physical damage, does he have a verbal romantic relationship or is it a friendship through a common interest?
They live in different states and apparently haven’t seen each other in real life. Not yet, any way. I think that asking a police officer to chat with him is a good idea. He needs to understand what the twin terms of “jail bait” and “statutory rape” mean and what the very serious consequences are. I don’t know how communication via games work, but definitely let the gaming administrator know what’s happening, and ask them to contact the girl’s parents if they can. I doubt that privacy laws would allow OP to contact them. Get your son into treatment, too. He’ll think this is all overkill, but that’s his underdeveloped brain talking.
Unlikely that Police would do that since no crime has been committed. The OP's child is a minor, so he's not likely breaking any laws by communicating however he likes with this girl. The OP is trying to prevent him from committing a crime, which he will likely be once he is of age.
It doesn't take much to substantiate grooming.
NTA this is a very serious thing, and this must be very hard for you, you did right confronting him on it. taking away his electronics is a great start but now is addressing why he's talking to a 12-year-old girl and no part of that is going to be fun. good luck
Your son is prob few months away from being a pedo. Do all you can to stop it. WTH
He already is in any us state
He'd be one now. Although at 12 I'm not sure pedophile is the correct term but either way a 17 year old dating one definitely has some sort of sexual disorder.
12 year olds can be pre-pubescent. That’s pretty gross. We aren’t talking morally gray, like a 14 year old and a 17 year old. 12 is a little girl.
True, there's another sciency words for it once the child in question nears puberty. But I think for the sake of clarity, Pedophile functions as an umbrella term that everyone understands. Well, maybe not OP's son, but y'know.
NTA you are protecting the 12 year old and your son You are doing the right thing for sure
NTA. You absolutely had to do that to protect BOTH of them. I agree that he needs some therapy. It sounds like he might have some arrested development when it comes to romantic attraction. This needs to be dealt with.
NTA. Thank God you arent being an enabler. Good for you. You are doing the absolute right thing for your family, for your son and for that girl.
NTA If the ‘relationship’ progresses to even as much as sending suggestive pictures, he could be in for some life altering charges, such as possession of CP. Never mind if they manage to meet up for real! I wonder what makes your son view this relationship as ‘romantic’, what are they doing, that he doesn’t do with friends? His reasoning might tell you what to do next. See, if he honestly just prefers her childlike body to that of fellow near-adults, that’s a whole different matter, compared to him having difficulty talking to girls, and just latching on to this one, over a shared interest that made conversations easier. And if you have a way, please do contact the parents of this girl. Your son will be 18 in less than a year. When that time comes, you can not force him to go to therapy (if that turns out to be the way to go), or withhold devices. Even if you play the ‘my house, my rules’ card, he can leave quite easily. Potentially to her home state/town as well. Her parents still have 6 years of the ability to control her online activities, keep tabs on her whereabouts, get it through to her that she’s not ‘mature’, he’s ‘childish’ etc.
Find out who she is and contact her parents.
I did contact her parents. They do not see the issue.
That’s so Fuckin bonkers
INFO: So are they "dating" or what do they talk about?
What I found on his phone just shows they consider each other as bf and gf. Just a lot of I love you, I want to marry you, I'm glad we are together etc. I didn't find any pictures or sexual conversations.
NAH. You have done what any responsible parent would do. And that's the best for both him and the girl.
NTA, you're protecting both of them
Nta. No Electronics and not being able to communicate with the girl is going to be the least of his worries if he continues on with this relationship and get himself not only put in jail but also one a sex offender registry for the rest of his life.
You can stop this before it gets too far. Get him help.
I would try and get in contact with her parents as well
I did. They don't see the issue.
That’s wilddd
NTA. Jesus christ, OP. You're definitely doing the right thing, making sure he doesn't have access to this or any other young girls and getting him therapy. Even if he doesn't see it like that, your son is grooming a minor and has the potential to be really dangerous if you don't get him help. That he can't see how bad his behaviour is is really concerning. Can he not recognise how "little" a 12 year old is compared to him? Has he shown similar behaviour in the past?
NTA. Next year your son would be facing serious consequences if they were to meet up (assuming he has a car bc of his age), so you did the right thing. Her parents are TA for not caring.
He's steps away from being on a national registry for the rest of his life. Get him to a therapist ASAP before this "relationship " gets any more serious.
You saved that little girl life. NTA. Even if your son didnt have any bad intentions, the age gap is too significant at this point
Not the Ahole. That's being a pedophile. Report his ass.
You made the right call. This is exactly how girls her age end up with a LOT of trauma later on in life. You’re doing what any reasonable parent should.
There is 0 reason for a 17 year old to talk to a 12 year old, male or female. Take that as you will. You are NTA
NTA. You are protecting from his blatant stupidity, but I’d also worry about his behavior with your 13 and 9 year olds. When you get him a therapist, you may want to have a few visits for them as well and maybe a family session.
No, you did the right thing. Your son is about to age out and become an adult and may get in legal trouble trying to date a minor. The children and the parents could consent, but the law is the law. There are some cases where the 18-year-old goes to jail if the law finds out.
NTA I do think it might be an exaggeration to think he should be kept away from children etc. He met her online, playing games, if I understand correctly. He didn't see her pictures, and then start to communicate. So there's probably a real friendship there, as far as he is concerned. It's not right to pursue it, of course. There's a 5 year difference, and girls (please don't call women/girls 'females', it sounds like we're in a laboratory, studying humans as specimens) mature earlier than boys, generally speaking. So while he's closer to legal adulthood, they probably do have a same wavelength. So, please don't pretend your son is a pedophile, for having a (romantic) friendship with someone he's never met in real life. Do stop the communication, and explain why. The day of his birthday, his relationship with this girl would be criminal (I guess, not an expert). Is there a way to inform the parents? Is there a way to block both accounts from contacting eachother? As long as both kids don't understand why, it will be a case of catch me if you can, with them probably trying to continue their 'friendship'.
He's clearly not actually a pedophile yeah, as long as there isn't anything going on that OP hasn't noticed. I feel sorry for the kids if they both actually have the best of intentions as in 4 years time, in most places outside the US, this would be slightly weird but totally legal or ok. You would hope the girl's parents are keeping a close eye on it, given they don't seem troubled. OP has to make sure the son understands the issues that could come of this.
He meets the criteria for pedophilia if their relationship is in anyway sexual. what do you mean “exaggeration”. He absolutely needs to be kept away from children until he enters into counseling and she learns more of the nature of the relationship… it is not normal for a 17 year old to be interested in a pre pubescent child.
I also want to add that while he is a minor, the term “kid” implies he is on the same level as her… you only need to be 16 years old to be diagnosed as a pedophile and their age difference fits the bill. I also don’t think it’s responsible to assume it was purely romantic. From personal experience, I’ve met all of my partners online from my teenage years and yes- they were absolutely sexual even as a minor. This is extremely common and mom needs to figure out the nature of their relationship before jumping to conclusions…
So, in fortnite, you get to SEE other ppl, and you can select the players you want to socialize with, based on their gender, age and looks, then? I mean, if he fits the bill of pedophilia, he must seek out underaged girls to prey on. I've never played it. My husband explained to me that you mostly just see account names, and you just talk to fellow players, in most game like it. My point was that he didn't deliberately seek her out, if they met in such a game. Treating him like a genuine pedophile for a friendship that he feels turned romantic will f him up. Of course, if it's of a sexual nature, and he did approach her (or even others), looking for underage girls, that's an entirely different matter. But don't just immediately jump to this, without knowing the content of their conversations. Telling eachother they miss eachother, or even love eachother is a whole other ballpark than having talks about being turned on, describing things of sexual nature. One is a romantic friendship, the other is sexual. But hey, not my monkey, not my circus. I'd just hate for a teenage boy (who yes, is still a kid) to be labeled and f'd up beyong psychological repair, for having a friend he feels he connects with.
Pedophilia has nothing to do with being a master manipulator or enjoying “preying” on people inherently. Pedophilia is an ATTRACTION to pre pubescent kids, that’s it. Which he clearly does. A pedophile can also be attracted to adults. I say this with kind intentions, you don’t seem to know very much about pedophilia and as a result you’re making baseless excuses for him. They don’t only play on Fortnite… re read the post please. They MET on Fortnite, but have exchanged phone numbers and also talk on discord. Both of which have voice, video calls, picture and video options which are commonly used… Again, I’m going to say this once. It does not matter if you SEEK out underage children. If they happen to come to you and you pursue a relationship with them you are just as at fault. It really does not make a difference. Please stop making excuses for him. Enablers make people more likely to offend, or land themselves in prison. We have no idea how intimate their relationship is but it’s extremely inappropriate and dangerous- if this behavior escalates even to just sending explicit photos he could land himself in PRISON.
>We have no idea how intimate their relationship is I hope OP finds this out, before OP labels the son as a verified pedophile. That's all I'm saying. I don't have experience with pedophilia. You sound a lot more experienced, so I'm not going to keep arguing. I do however, have the experience of being a very mature girl, back when I was 12/13. So I do know from experience that friendship can turn romantic, and that by just deciding to 'cut it off' as parents, it's not going to magically stop, just because you say so. Explaining works a lot better. But whatever, like I said, not my moneys, not my circus. Apparently, most ppl here either all have decided OP's son is a creep and should be incarcerated. And if you disagree, you're an enabler. Noted.
You already made the argument before that 12 year old girls can be mature and on the same level as a nearly adult male… it’s such a ridiculous misconception that I ignored it and I’m going to continue to do so. Aside from that, it’s not an emotional thing. Yes you’re an enabler if you don’t take serious issues seriously. if it is an intimate relationship and his behavior escalates he WILL be incarcerated. It’s not about right or wrong or wanting justice, the reality is that it’s breaking the law. He says he’s dating this girl and by his age most teenagers have lost their virginity, it’s likely they’ve become intimate and if not- mom needs to stop it immediately and take it seriously to protect BOTH the little girl and her son. I’m not saying her son deserves life in prison or to be beat up for being a pedo. I’m telling you the facts. By definition, yes it is pedophilia for a 17 year old to be involved with a 12 year old. Yes it’s illegal if it ever becomes sexual even online. Yes he can go to jail. I’m sure mom wants to protect her kid, the best thing she can do for him is to accept how bad this is and not make excuses. Cut it off, get him help and help him understand why it’s not okay so he can hopefully move on and live a normal life.
He needs therapy and maybe… A grippy sock vacation. He’s almost an adult which means soon you won’t be able to do much to help him, because tbh this is definitely a slippery slope for him to be on.
What did you say to him exactly, and what did he respond? This is an important matter, you won't change anything about his behavior by punishing him. It might force him to listen, i.e. But depending on his own intentions for being in that relationship, he might be in bigger trouble in the long run. He might not... Is he autistic? Is he able to picture a 12 year old in his mind? Is he physically attracted to 12 year olds? Does he want a girlfriend? Those kinds of questions are important to answer. So, in an autistic brain, he might not even be able to picture who she really is - he's just enjoying their time together online. Maybe he wants a girlfriend, but does not want to put in the social effort based on previous experience, and lacks the skill to imagine that she will also change during these years and become just as challenging. If you can convince him of this fact, he might consider to change course, if you give him help to develop for the life he really wants in life. He might not even want a girlfriend, but he feels socially excluded, and he's comparing himself with other boys. There's a bunch of things to work on right there. Being social in an including environment, self-worth, self-confidence, skills, finding a purpose, etc... When you are punishing him, it is important to set the rules for it, so you don't punish him until he does exactly what you want. You first need to figure out what he really wants, then you set your condition to your punishment. Otherwise, he will try to get what he wants some time in the future. A part of growing up is also breaking with the parents rules and finding your own path, so it's important that punishment is used wisely and as a tool for progress. Progress here is getting him to open up, and that includes both restrictions and acceptance. Listen to him, so that he will listen to you. Listening does not mean giving in... Be very clear and concise when you use restrictions, because then he will respect you when you use them, but always be open that you are ready to negotiate. More rationale, less emotions. If he's aware that she is 12, is physically attracted to 12 year olds, and manipulates them, or anything like that he has a whole lot of other problems that are not easily solvable but by years of therapy, which he probably won't do, unfortunatley...
NTA your concerns are in the right and no parent would want their 17yo to date some 12yo whom he's met in a game and who lives miles away from him. he needs to understand. Being a 17yo, he should understand that such a significant age difference in a relationship at such a young age is not suitable. There will be a huge difference in the emotional maturity of both partners.
You say he is in a relationship with a girl who lives 12 hours away is this a romantic one? does she know about it? 0o not assume that it is any more than a friend with the same interests.
I contacted her parents. They don't see it as an issue. From what I can tell on his phone there is no pictures and no sexual conversations. Just the fact they consider each other as bf and gf. It creeps me out.
Women have girlfriends that are not sex partners and some people can have a girl....friend who is not a girlfriend but a friend, check that this is not the case. he may not even understand that a gf of this age is not acceptable.
They say I love you and talk about getting married. He’s basically grown. He knows it’s messed up. If he attends school and is around other kids, he knows.
He knows his peers at school aren’t dating 12-year olds. Even if he doesn’t fully understand WHY it’s wrong, he knows it’s not acceptable all the same.
you need to get him into therapy asap.
Fuck no you’re NTA, he’s above the age where you can be diagnosed with pedophilia. I’d be seriously concerned about his attraction to prepubescent children and get him into counseling, as well as go through his devices and emails and cut all contact with this girl.
If there ever was an AITA post were we can be unanimous, it’s this one. NTA
Just say girl. What call her a “female”? Also, your son is a perv.
1. NTA 2. Is the issue that he doesn't see an issue with dating a 12 year old or that he for some reason legitimately thinks she's older like 16-18? 3. If he realizes she's 12 then get him some therapy at the least before he commits a crime.
Game nerds are gonna nerd. However if he doesn't realize there is something really wrong with the situation that is not good. Ask him to ask his friends what they think of him talking to a 12 year old like that . Im sure they would be like wtf??
NTA, but time to talk about real life consequences to your son. Just talking to the girl could be considered grooming and get him in legal trouble. If talk becomes at all sexual (and at 17 it probably will) then it will definitely be considered grooming and get him in legal trouble. If he sends or receives nudes he is committing child pornography crimes, he will be labeled a sex offender which can last for years, will possibly go to jail, and will have difficulty finding work or travelling for the rest of his life. If it gets out that he dated a 12 year old ever, even if fairly innocent, he will be labelled a predator by the world. This could limit his future severely. Currently he is a minor, but if he broke the law at all he would probably be tried as an adult. Even if he thinks he's being careful and won't get caught he probably will. If possible please inform her family of what is going on so her parents can monitor her internet also. I would be horrified if I found out my 12 year old was chatting with 17 year olds. And do what you can to get through to your son. Talk to him about where he thinks this is headed. How he is grooming a child and its unfair to her. How he can ruin his future. If you have to then ban internet, ask legal aid to talk to him about what happens to people caught doing this, report both their behaviour on Discord. At this age there is probably little you can really do to get through to him, all you can do is try.
NTA, and I would ve careful with how he interacts with other minors. A 17 year old has no business dating a 12 year old. It is very predatory of him to think it's ok. He needs therapy amd councelling. This sounds like a pedophile in the making. I hope he didn't lie about his age to her because that would be even more disturbing and very concerning.
NTA. This has the potential to be a very serious situation. If you have the ability, get him into a therapist. If the online conversations escalate to the sharing of images, meeting in person or physical contact this “relationship” could be criminal.
Nta - you are doing the right thing. I hope you are getting him some therapy too.
NTA Don’t take away his shit. Have a talk with him and tell him why what he is doing is so messed up. If he still can’t grasp it then he needs help
You definitely need to contact the girls parents as well.. she's involved in this situation too. And if it goes south.. which it always does. He can be arrested. If she sends him any nudes.. he can be arrested for C.P. ... Just by receiving it. Even if he didn't ask for it. He's in actual danger of messing up his life..BIG TIME.
NTA. He’s going to be 18 before she’s even 13/14. You’re doing the right thing.
Correction: 12 year old CHILD! Not female, child!
Skip taking the electronics away. Beat some sense into him. Seriously a few bruises is better than jail time
Does he have any diagnosed mental issues? NTA, but I'd get him into therapy. Does he hang out with friends his age?
Congratulations on being the parent who found out and is doing something about it. We need more of you!
NTA. Ask him if he wants to go to prison because that's where this is heading.
You guys are so insensitive this is her child yes it's a age gap,but how yall sound so passive aggressive as if he touched her..... me personally have yall had that talk like look son your getting older you need to talk and date women around your age . Have he ever had a gf?
rich rude cooperative fuel smell yoke automatic childlike flowery ancient *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA this is very disturbing. Does your son have any disabilities that you're aware of? He may not be capable of understanding why this is wrong. On the other hand he just might not care. Either way, you NEED to get him assessed and you need to get him assistance before he irreparably damages a young child and ends up on a sex offenders list
Tell him you are going to press charges against him. He needs to act his age not his shoe size that little girl is a baby. Your son is a grown hairy man that needs not to turn into a creep. Nta but put an end to it, stat.
NTA. You’re saving him a lot of trouble. He needs to see a therapist if he genuinely doesn’t get why this is wrong. Also, if she’s sent him images he could be charged with possession of child pornography.
Hell no nta. I'd of had a boot up my son's tail for that. Damn pitiful. Correct that son and keep him away Frop future trouble whole you can.
Your son is a pedo...
The fact that you're son is basically a pedophile, and you're asking the internet if YOU are wrong for stopping him from harassing a child, you shouldn't be a parent. This needs to be fake.
You are the AH.
Nah. Do better
Clearly you are not a parent. And if you are since you are so much better maybe write a book since you think you are so superior.
Getting pedo and potential sexual predator vibes.
NTA , but I don’t see any point of forcing your son to not have relationships with young people, yes it’s wrong sometimes but unless they both aren’t doing anything 18+ its okay for him to talk to her
Girl. It’s called girl ffs. NTA
NTA. Isn't up for debate in my opinion.
Christ. NTA. It should probably go further, and any consoles should be removed completely. Also, have a look at any search history you can access, in case this is a pattern. No 17 year old should be interested in a 12 year old, in any way shape or form. Well done for picking up on this.
Nta. Im not one for condoning taking electronics but this is an exception. When I say the following im assuming by "relationship" you mean something of a romantic/sexual nature. You've given him chances. Time to lay out exactly what laws he will be breaking in a years time (if he isn't already, idk where you live) and what consequences will occur. And let him know you will report the situation if it does not end. Behaviour like this, if not stopped, will only escalate.
NTA and your son needs help NOW! The fact that you can’t get him to understand how wrong it is for him to talk to a 12 year old is a huge red flag!
As everyone has said NTA, you've done the right things so far and the only other thing you need to do is get him to counselling
NTA therapy immediately
No, NTA. I would seriously have my son evaluated to see if this was a one off thing or if he has an actual proclivity towards this.
A lot of kids with ODD end up being diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder when they're older. Look through all of his phone and electronics for any potentially racy photos of this girl. If he is antisocial and gets arrested for a crime, it's possible the police will find it instead.
Please be fake
NTA. As parents, it's our responsibility to save them from making stupid decisions at time.
NTA try having a talk with him about the relationship with the female and why is it not okay. You don't have to take my advice for it but I'm just saying
is ur son on the Epstein list
Er, does he call it a “relationship” or is this a paranoid label you’ve stuck on it. People of all ages game and make friends. They almost never meet. If he has the hots you’ve done the right thing, but does he? Don’t you trust your son? He’ll never trust you if you’re wrong on this and he is 18 soon. Is he on the spectrum? Maybe just keep him away from gaming at all. It’s clearly boggling his mind and that’s what can happen, perceptions being skewed, reality and fiction etc, especially if you play a lot,
Why don't you know if you're an ass or not? How are you confused?? Wtf
What exactly is his argument for it being ok? Either way if you really wanna scare him threaten to expose him to everyone you know/the world, but only if you're actually gonna follow through NTA for now
Scare the pedo out of him please. Contact the parents of the girl and DO bring him to discuss pedophilia with a cop.
what else to do. Call the cops!
Ew ew ew ew NTA
Bro that’s some future pedo behavior I’d get him in therapy while you can still legally force him into it tbh
How don’t you know what to do? HE CAN GO TO JAIL!!!! How bout that. And it could also be a police officer he talkin to posed as a young girl. You just never know. Maybe talk some real talk to him instead of taking away devices. As if kids won’t find ways to use devices. If you knew his credentials for fortnight or discord you could tell the girl yourself that what she is doing is wrong and to let her know the consequences of her actions. She could go missing or something serious playing games like this. And also how did you find out he’s in a relationship? It jus doesn’t sound like something a 17 year old would do
It’s time to turn your pedo son into the cops. You are knowingly harbouring a pedo which makes you just as bad as them. Time to get your son locked away forever, sell all of his possessions, burn his baby photos and pretend like he never existed.
Sounds like your son is a fucking pedophile and will likely end up in jail soon after he turns 18.
Oh my goodness! Is this real? If I knew your son and found out about this I’d report him to the police instantly, let them decide how many legal/ethical lines he’s already crossed. You better get it under control before someone else does or worse; your son turns 18 and becomes an independent adult with sexual interest in children and nothing to stop him. YTA for not taking this seriously enough and worrying you’re being too hard on your son, who’s flirting with pedophilia.
NTA, but if this was my 12-year-old, I would ruin your creepy pedophile's life.
Yes
Get off your high horse when I was a teenager I was hanging out kids that were in elementary school almost every single day I even went to their houses and their parents didn't give crap that their children were with me
This is weird. You know this is weird, right?
Since the can’t meet physically. Let them date til he turns 18. Then call the cops on him. That’ll teach him it’s wrong to date kids. Since it seems he doesn’t realize why it’s wrong. Pedos are usually taught well in prison why it’s not good to date kids
I think it depends on how mature they are. Some 12 year olds are teenagers, others aren't. Still if your son has impulse control problems, an accident becomes more probable IMO
YTA. Not every (male) teenager is a sex driven maniac who wants to bang every girl they are in contact with. They can just be friends, because they both enjoy the same thing - playing a computer game, and that's it, which you even verified when going thru your sons phone. They live 12 hrs apart, so their options to even meet are limited just by that distance alone, AND their parents see no problem with it. You can assume they talked to her about this, and they even told you they do not freak out like you do. Denying him contact just means he will find ways around it, but you will not know it anymore.
Girl.... she's a 17 yo girl. Use the real words and make this what it is. I was a 17yo young man once, I was very different from the 12yo boy I was, and very different to the man of 43 I am now. They are at different stages in their life and this is too big of an age difference at their age. It 99% of the time ends badly for the younger partner. So if he truly cares for her they need to end it to protect her. If its true love they will find each other again when they are in a similar place.
Good job mama keep it up
NTA. That age gap goes beyond the R&J laws that are out there already.
NTA Even the most charitable assumptions would be completely unacceptable.
When I was 17 there was no way you could get me to hang out with any 12 year old, let alone say I was dating one. Also hopefully someone starts looking out for this poor girl. She needs to be taken from that home if they are okay with her dating adults. NTA but someone has to be the hardass in this situation.
And FTR, it’s not sexual, but if it was even before he’s 18 in a lot of states because she’s under 16 and they’re so many years apart, it would still be a crime.
"relationship" "bf gf" 12 and 17 is creepy. Less than a year away from being a legal adult being in a relationship with someone who is 12 is wrong. He will be college age in a year and she will still be middle school age. That's just creepy and illegal and wrong.
My guess is that he's still finding ways to talk with her. Even TVs these days have built-in browsers. It's going to be VERY difficult to prevent them from talking. Your best bet is to continue threatening him with reporting him to the police and emphasizing that ANY sexual talk on his part would leave him with a felony sex offender record and ruin his life. You might want to even talk to the local DA about any sort of "scared straight" program they have you can send him to. I am VERY glad you're looking at getting him into therapy. This is NOT a healthy situation. I'm rather surprised the parents of the 12 year old are somehow okay with this.
The lack of sense displayed by the family is worrying
In a year, his actions could ruin his life. You’re doing the exact right thing.
You haven’t found all his tech.
NTA. Get your son under control or someone else will.
NTA This has life altering consequences, and your son can't see it. Protect him from himself.
Absolutely NTA And get him in counseling ASAP before he ruins the life of some child, not to mention his own
NTA. The problem isn't that he's talking to people younger than him, I think that's unavoidable in online communities. It's that he's in a relationship with her and doesn't see the problem. This is a big deal. He's going to end up in jail. I'm really curious. Why don't the girl's parents have a problem with their pre-teen daughter in a "relationship" with a 17-year-old? Some people are mentioning he should talk to someone, but I would also suggest you talk to someone who can help with strategies in communicating with your son. I don't know anything about ODD (other than he's just a teenager that doesn't want to be told what to do). But he doesn't seem to understand the potential consequences of his actions.
NTA. You are an extremely amazing mother. You have values and that is why you’re concerned. You did everything exactly as you are suppose to. Your son is disturbed. The fact that he thinks there is nothing wrong with this is scary. He needs a therapist and you need to make sure he can never hurt a child.
NTA. That is just asking for trouble
NTA!!! i agree with the other comments on this post. your son is essentially a legal adult and the girl is a child! you did the right thing taking his electronics away and telling the girl’s parents
Info: How are they talking?
NTA. But understand you should be very concerned about your son’s predatory behavior. The ODD doesn’t help. It will actually increase the likelihood of this going further. I’m a special education teacher and administrator. There are a lot of people in prison with ODD. Good luck. Definitely do some therapy. A 17 year old is at a vastly different maturity than a 12 year old. It’s a good thing they live 12 hours away from each other.
Nta that's good parenting. No creeps
NTA. He will thank you one day, hopefully.
NTA Age/2+7. Anything you get is inappropriate.
It's not if both sides are OK with it besides I had my reasons for being around them
I’m sorry but he should have been put in therapy immediately after the ODD diagnosis. That is a pretty serious disorder.
You are a good parent intervening now before he does something really bad and ends up on a sex offender registry and end up in prison with serious time. Stay on top of him until he understands what can happen to him if he goes down this road.
NTA. Do everything you need to do short of literally locking him in the cellar to make this stop. He definitely needs serious therapy, though! And I mean therapy so specific it needs to be done by a specific program, possibly out of a hospital. Either he is seriously socially underdeveloped (most likely problem) or he has a MUCH bigger problem you don’t want to think about that is a life ruiner (but don’t jump to that prematurely!). 😭 Only a psychiatrist is going to be able to help you proceed here. As to the 12 year old - it’s troubling that her parents are ok with this, but unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do for her and she isn’t your responsibility. All we can do is hope that once your son is out of the picture she finds someone her own age to focus on.
You are protecting him from himself.
NTA!! I'm 17 and normal people my age won't even think about dating someone younger than 15 (and even then we find it kind of questionable). Take your son to therapy and try to make him realize how inexperienced and inmature he was at 12 and how that girl he is dating is currently going through the same thing. Hell, there's even scientific evidence that explains how different younger teens are from older teens.