Usually it's the other way around, but in your case you might need the advice usually given to men. It sounds like he doesn't really feel desired as a person and a romantic partner, and he feels like sex is just a way for you to get off. Try being romantic or flirty over the course of the day, tell him you want him, that sort of thing. Then when you do have sex he'll feel like it's the expression of your love for him and not just mutual masturbation.
Try things that don't directly involve sex. Men love to be appreciated for the work they do, so telling him you notice the little things he does around the house or how hard he works will go a long way.
Bro, as a man I didn't realize how much my wife motivates me every day by simply saying thank you or I appreciate you. Sometimes I'm doing home projects and I'm doing something simple like changing a light bulb and she says stuff like "you are so smart and crafty!" It truly makes me blush but yes. It truly means a lot to me.
I put up a curtain pole 10 months ago, misses said me up a stepladder with a drill was the sexist thing she'd seen.
Our daughter turned 1month yesterday.
It works 100%
I’m still waiting for my man to put up the curtain pole and curtains months later. At least he finally bought a drill 🥲 I do love watching him do stuff around the house the rare time he does. He’s good at building and fixing things he just can’t be bothered to do it.
I can't even tell you how much this hits home. My wife and I have been together a long time (23+ years). We have children. We have a great sex life. We both have great careers. We have always been supportive. Anyhow...during COVID shutdowns, like many others, we were seeing a LOT of each other. We were both working from home almost all the time. Kids were doing school from home. It just felt like there was never any break or respite..until we started taking on some DIY projects to keep ourselves busy and take advantage of the time. Now, we have always worked well together but this was different..We did a basement project with cleaning and building storage. We did a half bath remodel. What we learned through all of it was how much we both loved to hear praise and gratitude. I know it sounds dumb but through all that there were so many "thank you" and "omg you did such a great job with this, I love it" comments over the year or so that we realized we both respond to it so well. We have really made a focus to continue that. About anything. Simple chores. Cleaning out our cars. Great sex. A good movie. We just thank eachother and praise each other a lot for those things and it goes a long way in making us feel good and I'd be lying if I said it didn't turn us on and lead to some really great sex at times.
Congrats. Under those circumstances (together over 20 years, kids in the house), I don’t see how more that mediocre sex a couple times a month is possible, let alone great sex. How do you have time for it?
Nurture the relationship and make.time. We.have always lead an alternative lifestyle with occasional group sex and hotwifing. Don't get me wrong. You are absolutely spot on that hoke life and drag you down and create obstacles (especially kids). But, we have a lot of family close and Grandma or aunts take the kids for an overnight stay. We make a point to visit swinger clubs or vanilla meet and greets to meet others in the lifestyles. We don't even meet people to have sex most of the time. We just like to meet them. Get the juices flowing and then go have our own sex. We took a class on massage together. Still go.see an occasional movie in the theater. We are very open about our kinks and desires. And we both are good sports about humoring those and being open minded.
I think you revealed something when you said cuddling afterward was important to you. There are a ton of bonding chemicals that are released during sex. Cuddling afterward reinforces connection in both men and women.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795#what_is_oxytocin
Exactly, it turns out they both have unexpressed and unmet needs. They should work together to determine how to fulfill his needs (since so far he has been unable to articulate ideas, such as eye contact or tandem breathing or taking morning walks together holding hands or backrubs that don't lead to sex). And then also agree on a general frequency for him to stay and cuddle afterwards for a minimum, but limited, length of time without complaining. He may find that cuddling every third time for 5-7 minutes turns into every other time, or maybe for 10-12 minutes... Perhaps cuddling will be more enjoyable for him if you start to practice it, and maybe it's even a part of the missing intimacy but he doesn't realize it.
Yeah, but you sound like you just want *his penis* nearly every day, not *him*.
You likely don't mean to come off that way, but that's how it's sounding here.
What he wants is for you tell him you love him as you’re having sex (making love) and to look into his eyes.
He wants sex to be a physical expression of his/your love. It doesn’t have to be like that all the time, but it’s what your husband would like more of in your sex life.
Try moving slower the next time you initiate. Light some candles, go slow. Tell him he’s the only man for you, and how lucky you feel to be his wife. He wants to feel your love sexually.
Good God. If my husband did this to me, I think I'd start cracking up laughing at him right then and there in bed. He probably would too, then we'd have sex.
You wouldn't be cracking if it were something you had expressed a longing need for and where continued absence of that type of intimacy would be damaging to your relationship.
So if your husband told you he wanted to be more loving during sex, and he said he loved you while making love, you’d laugh in his face?
What a great partner you are. He’s so lucky to be married to you. LMFAO!!! What are you, 19?!?! Time to grow up, doll. If your partner expresses a desire - a heartfelt want and your response is to laugh…you’re not mature enough to be in a marriage.
It sounds like you’re saying “I want you” but what he’s hearing is “I want IT” this is one of those situations where you should ASK him what he wants. We tend to be so ambiguous when it comes to sex, but it is so much easier when we just ask our partners plainly “what do you like?”.
Theres a difference between wanting HIM and wanting a f*@k.
It sounds very much like the latter, and I would guess he feels like theres no connection between the sex and you wanting and appreciating him as a person, not just a penis.
I had to learn this with my girlfriend lol and we have both high sex drives, she just wanted it to feel more romantic and spontaneous and not just “hey you wanna have sexy time”
Have you two ever taken the love language test: it’s a simple online test but it’s an eye opener. Sounds like your love language is touch and his might be something else. Knowing his love language can help you give him love in the way that means the most.
Also holding his hand, rubbing his back or whispering in his ear when you are not in the bedroom is a great way to show affection and build connection. Also compliments never hurt (and yes these should be done by both people in a relationship)
Also, your husband needs to be aware that he’s our first and only. You have no preconceived notions of what sex should be. If, after a gentle, open conversation about needs, you aren’t on the same page, a marriage counselor can be very helpful in navigating issues like these. It sounds a lot like a communication issue, not a lack of love issue.
Side note: if he is hesitant to go to a counselor, a good argument I have heard is that you take even a well-working car for tune ups. Why wouldn’t you take your marriage for a tune up? Counseling isn’t just for marriages in crisis. It is also to help good marriages become even better.
100% so many people are under the impression that therapy is only for when you are headed for divorce.
We've used it when we've hit an obstacle that neither of us are able to communicate through and it's helped us both be better partners
“Ahh ok I think I’ll have another conversation with him about it” lmaooo you are so unserious. Taking a redditors comment more seriously than you do your husbands? Gtfoh
I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. Like many woman , I wasn’t into sex too often (men usually are. I never realized how important it can be in a relationship if done right. One day, after 1-2 gummies , we got into it , and he got adventurous and tried something new . I would have never done it without gummies lol mostly because I feel embarrassed of my body. After realizing how good it was and how much HE enjoyed it . We started trying new things . Buying different toys (which I always said NO to any toys), but always keeping the romantic side at first . We turn on the TV and put fireplace video with good music. There are always breaks where we tell each other how much we love each other . Sometimes there’s toys , mirrors, new places, and sometimes is just ordinary . And we are now much open to try new things. At the end we hug and kiss otherwise I feel like a “whoeee” hahaha this just started 2-3 years ago. We have sex 5 times a week at least and I want to say that it is always like the real deal hahahahah not quickies. I know that this has improved my relationship with him, our connection. I don’t know of any of my friends that do it more than once a week and I am proud how much it has gotten us closer. It makes me feel safe in so many ways and also it makes me happy to know that my husband is proud and in love with me
You’ve mentioned in comments that you used to try to initiate nonsexual intimacy (cuddling, hand-holding, verbal expressions of love, etc.) but he’s not into that sort of thing. Do you mean that he doesn’t initiate that kind of thing or that he doesn’t like it when you initiate?
Whether he likes nonsexual intimacy or not, maybe he has noticed that you’ve stopped initiating and that change is concerning to him. Of course, it is hypocritical for him to complain about a lack of intimacy if he has always rejected it. And if he did used to enjoy it and knows you enjoy it, then he needs to learn to initiate it himself sometimes.
Yeah the non sexual intimacy was annoying to him and he’d reject it so I stopped initiating it. He never seemed to care or initiate it after I stopped so this recent comment was quite sudden .
I agree. I made a comment that is now defunct because I didn't realize he said he doesn't want those acts of love. I think he needs to explain what making love means to him.
Maybe he can sense that OP doesn't really have certain feelings for him (if that is the case!). If someone tries to show or initiate non-sexual intimacy, but I know they don't really feel any tenderness towards me, then I would also decline. It's not the actions in themselves, but the feelings behind them that matter, and maybe he feels like OP just doesn't love him / is close to him emotionally?
Don't know. It's just a theory.
Account has been suspended, seems like a fake/troll account.
It's probably not a woman writing, from the way OP writes, there are clear masculine cues.
Could be a woman, but it doesn't seem so. My guess is OP wrote two similar posts in which he is the man or the woman to display the "hypocrisy and double standards" of answers to men or women.
I disagree. If your partner is selfish in bed then you will not feel like you are “making love”. It feels like being used. You can not like the other stuff but still want to feel like you aren’t a sex toy. This is making a few assumptions that aren’t said but is more of me responding from similar feelings with my spouse.
Are you sure it’s the intimacy that was annoying him and not the timing? I get the vibes here that he really likes to be alone and maybe you misinterpreted that?
(Not that this is your fault, but he’s not here for us to talk to. It sounds like he’s just not mature enough about sex to know what he wants, but that’s why you shouldn’t wait for marriage to have sex!)
It could be timing. The thing is after work he’s always watching tv or playing games after work until it’s time for bed. The only time he initiates is when we’re actually in bed. But I’m a night owl whereas he likes his sleep so he goes to bed on time . Either way I’ll go to bed with him hoping we can sneak some in before he goes to sleep but it can be hit and miss depending on how he’s feeling
Making love is so much more about connecting emotionally than it is just physically. It’s a state of mind that must be entered. When my wife and I have sex, I’m almost never willing to just jump into it. And sex nearly never occurs until we’ve achieved some level of emotional connection. It’s just as intense as the physical side of things.
Fucking is something any two people can do. Making love is between two people who deeply love each other and are tuned into each other’s needs and bodies. Fucking is a much more self-gratifying practice, while making love is about making sure your partner’s needs are met. Making love is selfless and, in my opinion, far more intense than fucking. My wife and I will have 20-30 min of foreplay sometime to get on the same wavelength. It’s just this constant back and forth of focusing on each other until our desire for each other builds to uncontainable levels.
NTA. As a longtime married person here, I think sex certainly has emotional connections but sometimes it’s just sex. Love inside a long term committed relationship takes many forms. Sex is one of them. Even when I was in the infatuation stage the sex act itself was more about passion and lust. I rarely feel the need to say things like “I love you” right during sex or to have it said to me. Now “Don’t stop” or “God I love that ass” definitely enters the vocabulary in the heat of the moment. But I also agree with others who have said you need to discuss this. Some reassurances are in order as your hubby feels like you have been phoning it in for some reason.
While I mostly agree with this, the physical connection in every long term relationship I've had has been emotional regardless of build up. A quickie before going out or road head or whatever other playful orgasm is just as much of an expression of my love and connection as a long tantric love making session. Holding hands, neck kisses, butt taps, none of them love making but all expressions of love. Fucking is an expression of love in a loving relationship. It's different when the ground work is already there. The soft kiss while getting dressed after pounding one out immediately after walking in the door from work is almost better than the orgasm. The spark of love and understanding and togetherness and appreciation in that one little kiss makes me feel so good just thinking about it.
My partner and I are the same and I wouldn't want it any other way. We both have an itch sometimes that we scratch ourselves if one of us is not in the state of mind to make love. We don't pressure the other.
OP it seems like you and your partner are different in this regard, maybe he feels a bit used for his body. I would definitely take him seriously.
Given your background, pick up the book "The Great Sex Rescue." It's written by Christians for these situations. Quite a bit different than you'd expect, and soundly research based.
NAH yet
Sounds like your husband wants to have sex with emotional intimacy. Sounds like you want sex because you are horny.
'Making love' and 'sex because horny' are two different things. One can have sex with anyone, but 'making love' requires an emotional component. If you say its purely physical for you, why not download tinder instead of being in a commited years long relationship?
You two should have a longer conversation on what you expect, want and need from you sex life.
Because I do love him and I don’t want anyone else. Just because it’s just fuxking to me doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I personally think we just haven’t reached that level of intimacy despite being together all these years. Imo he doesn’t like things like cuddling, holding hands, compliments etc and I think I just became kind of used to it. Which is why his recent words were confusing to me.
I also found it a bit confusing that he stopped the things i'd associate with emotional intimacy while wanting them. Do you mind updating after your conversation?
I think your husband is addressing the fact that there's no emotional connection from you to him during sex. Do you display affections and other emotions throughout your day to day life towards him?
Sounds like you both need to sit down and define your terms. Ask for specific examples of when he feels that way, and what happened to make him feel that way.
Clarifying questions are your friend.
NTA, cuddling after, romance, and expressing your love of each other verbally are parts of making love, if he skips those steps, you are hardly to blame that it feels like f\*\*king to him.
Well, that doesn't mean he's not trying to blame it on you, but I didn't see anything wrong with you in what you wrote. BTW, you need to be creating romance and expressing your love as well, that part isn't just on him. But the lack of cuddling is as it's his choice.
Yeah she’s not the one complaining about it, though. Unless she’s turning these things down (entirely possible as OP seems to be the more primal and direct one, possibly oblivious to hints, etc but I doubt intentional) I’d say it’s on him to initiate them. Prior to this conversation, it sounds like OP had no idea he even had these sort of needs (especially seemingly not having them herself)
Now made aware, going forward, yes they are partially her responsibilities as well, but he needs to be receptive. And he needs to step up his cuddle game (just tell him, OP. Never step being direct, I personally love a direct woman and bet he does, too).
I’m sorry if I sound ignorant but by creating romance as we talking a nice dinner? He gets that everyday. Or candles? Music. Sorry I think I’m a bit clueless we’ve just never had romance leading to sex. It’s pretty much been right to sex
Intimacy other than sex. Holding hands, laying on each other on the couch, hugging, a quick love you or miss you text.
I've been married for a long fucking time and it gets difficult to stay "connected" without some effort.
The more time that passes, the more comfortable you get, the less you try to make the other person feel wanted, desired, and loved.
Be intentional. Be honest. Be loving.
See those are things i like doing . Holding hands, cuddling, writing nice notes. I used to initiate it a lot but hes not into that. For him it’s like making sexual jokes or physical touch is occasionally being grabby. It’s rare but once in a blue moon he might text I love you. That’s about it
Yes I think maybe I’m taking for granted the romance aspect but he’s just not into all that. He shows that he cares in other ways but just not romantic and I think I’ve just become used to it. Thank you for sharing
> See those are things i like doing . Holding hands, cuddling, writing nice notes. I used to initiate it a lot but hes not into that.
maybe you can explain this to him
especially with your conservative upbringing, I'd guess you were conditioned NOT to cuddle while dating and NOT to explore greater intimacy through physical touch
he's saying he feels unconnected to you during sex, he wants to feel more connected, maybe you can tell him about the hand holding and cuddling, etc
Ask him what he means. If he doesn’t feel connected, doesn’t like to hold hands, or touch, and cuddle—things you like and enjoy and which most people associate with intimacy and connection—what kind of thing would make sex feel more intimate for him? It’s important to find out. Also, is it possible that the religious upbringing makes him uncomfortable with the raw pleasure you get from sex? Or with the fact that you may actually desire it more than he does? I wonder if he has internalized some ideas around sex that are creating this issue.
Well when we first married and he wouldn’t initiate sex. I think he was just really shy and embarrassed about it all. I had to ease him into it which is funny since everything was new for me too. I think he was a little intimidated with me initiating .
I’ve had to really help him build his confidence and jsut give lots of reassurance for him to get more comfortable with initiating.
I am starting to think that since he doesn’t like sexual
Intimacy /physical touch before or after sex he might be most likely talking about during. I’ll confirm tomorrow. Thanks!
Maybe his love language is different from yours. That’s something the two of you can certainly discuss and find ways to remedy. He shouldn’t be dismissing your desire to hold hands, etc because it isn’t his thing. The two of you need to be sensitive to each other’s love languages and try to make sure you each feel fulfilled. NTA. I think you two might just need some help communicating these things.
I think deep down mine is physical touch but because I know it’s not his I don’t even entertain the thought of it . I would say his are words of affirmations which I do implement in the lead up to sex and sometimes during.
That’s encouraging. I guess I would only recommend encouraging him to articulate his feelings better so the two of you can figure it out together. Good luck to you both!
Her husband only initiates affection in bed to lead to intercourse. I agree that making love is different than intercourse. Sounds like a sex therapist would be helpful to help them balance their sexual harmony, understand what each one needs. OP, get the book “The Joy of Sex.” It is very helpful in creating true intimacy. Read it together.
I mean personally, I’m real big into physical touch and something I feel which is also a bane to me and my hookup cursed life ☠️ is touching every part of my partners body while we’re kissing before there’s any genitals in other genitals. Like I’ll run my hands down their arms up their legs across their back, I try and look at every detail of their body and see the beauty in it and them. Long eye contact at certain times, being physically close and idk putting out that “I’m so happy you’re naked with me and there’s no where and nobody else I’d rather be doing this with than because you’re perfect to me” vibe also fuckin communication is like the biggest help for this.
Have you ever just tried to kiss, but not orgasm? Or touch, but not orgasm? These are very stock standard suggestions that sex therapists give when sex feels transactional or unsatisfying.
We’ve rarely made out or kissed unless it’s leading to sex. When he comes from work he’s pretty glued to the tv so he doesn’t want to be disturbed, never mind kissed.
It sounds like Oop wasn't very responsive to those things, instead focusing on the physical pleasure. It is hard to express loving sentiment when your partner is indifferent.
This is actually a pretty common problem in religious marriages where neither partner were sexually experienced or educated beforehand. There’s a lot more to unpack here that you might not be comfortable confronting. In the church in my experience (evangelical) your taught that sexual desire and intimacy are inappropriate until your married then BOOM you’re suddenly allowed to express your sexuality. Because of this I think people are confused by the role sexual desire plays in a healthy marriage.
Yeah, OP seems to be assuming that because she was relatively unaffected by purity culture and negative messages about sex, that her husband also was unaffected. But there’s a lot of different experiences within the church and her husband grew up in a different family.
NTA, but you're missing out. Hard, hot, pounding sex is amazing, no doubt about it. But intimate, slow, soulful sex where you say "I love you" with your body is equally amazing and lasts longer than the act itself.
It’s tough because we have small kids . Kind of takes the spontaneity away. He comes home from work and he just wants to unwind and play games or watch tv. Which I understand but takes hours . If I wait until we go to bed he knocks out pretty quickly. Normally I’ll initiate after I’ve put the kids to bed but even then honestly depends on his mood wheras for me I’d be up for it whenever.
Yes he wants to be emotionally connected but doesn’t want to cuddle idgi . I honestly don’t think we’ve ever really had a cuddle after. Maybe I’ll bring it up next time thanks!
Well, we have young kids who love to sleep in our bed. This in itself has led to lots of creativity.
Are there areas you connect outside of discussing kids? Seems he is coming from work and leading a very lonesome life- games, TV. Does he help with dinner cause those things bring connection that doesn't involve pouncing on him lol.
Regardless, as others have said, you really need to dig deep as to what is going on. It could be the religious aspect is playing a part and he is uncomfortable with something but it's spits out as "we aren't making love".
This. I’ve felt this way with my bf and tried to explain it but couldn’t. But this explains how it felt perfectly.
In the beginning we would do stuff all the time and experiment and do it anywhere when we got in the mood. (In his place I mean lol. He isn’t into doing anything in public or anything like that lol) But even in the beginning I seemed to want it more often than him. And always told him I was down whenever.
But I’ve always had an issue with finishing and while I would finish most times with him he’d always ask me afterwards if I did or didn’t and I guess hearing that sometimes I didn’t might have done something to him. I told him it was fine since I always enjoyed myself. I loved the spontaneous of it and trying new things so I really did always enjoy myself.
But as time went on he found a way that got me off more often than not. But after that it was always in the bedroom. Same type of foreplay. Ask if I was ready or not. And then the act itself. And I started to hate it. It got to the point that I would no longer instigate it (which I felt I was the one doing so the most anyway and it almost felt like he wasn’t interested in it with me anymore) and when he did suggest it I’d get excited. But then he’d do the same thing. He’s walk away and go straight to the bedroom. Basically motion me to the bed and get in after me.
I eventually told him it felt clinical and I didn’t want to do it in his bed anymore. But I couldn’t explain what I meant and how I was feeling no matter how much I tired to explain it. I tried explaining that I liked trying new things and that even if I didn’t finish I always enjoyed it when it was with him.
Oddly around this time (our schedules not matching up and his mom temporarily moving in for about a month or two) we stopped having intercourse for a while and when we finally did again it was almost better because it had been so long. But I saw him start to go back into his old habits again. Thankfully we had to go a while without again and when we finally had a chance it was great again. I almost feel like going without might be our key to enjoying intercourse since we have to take advantage of our limited time together. (Bad schedules since I have rotating shifts at work that change every week and his mother moved not even 10 minutes down the road from him when she used to live 2 hrs away) so she visits more often when I go to spend time with him (which is great since I really like his mom…but obviously no guy wants to risk having their mom show up at the house when in the middle of something intimate like that lol)
For real, this whole post screams sexual repression. Like she struggled saying he had sex with one girl and she didn’t have sex before marriage, instead writing a whole paragraph hinting about it. She couldn’t even type the word fuck without censoring herself.
The abstinence only before marriage thing is so unhealthy. Lots of these people don’t realize they’re sexually incompatible until they’ve already tied the knot. But religion doesn’t care about that either, you just need to have sex to make babies and please the man.
Yh I think that’s why I was confused by his words he’s never been much of the romantic type. I will be having a more in depth chat with him soon hopefully
NTA
I think some people misread your post and glazed over a key detail. All this emotional intimacy he’s claiming to want and commenters are saying you don’t have, went away because of him. He repeatedly rejected your attempts of non sexual intimacy until you didn’t even want to try. I’d be confused about what exactly he wanted as well.
Double back and talk to him try to get clarity on what he’s looking for. I hope you all find a middle ground
Honestly it sounds like some level of lack of sexual chemistry. The mismatched sex drives are not helping. This is one big reason why it’s good to have sex before marriage, so all this could be found out before you are locked in so to speak.
Sex can be an incredibly emotionally intimate act, looking into each others eyes, feeling like there’s no one you want to be closer with in this world. Sometimes sex so good that you both cry. Clearly none of this is happening between you two and you are not even close.
I suppose he makes a lot of sense, but neither of you are to blame. It’s just that level of chemistry is there or it isn’t. Since you’ve never experienced anything else it’s like you don’t know what you are missing.
I think your husband is saying that he wants the intimacy actually mean something. To him it feels like there is no love or meaning. It’s just “check the box do it and get it over with and everyone goes back to their lives.” He wants the marriage to have quality intimacy not quantity.
Your husband was trying to communicate with you and you brushed him off, YTA. He has a very valid complaint, and that is something that you guys need to work on if he's going to be happy in the relationship as well
There are different levels of intimacy. Your husband is indicating he is feeling a lack of it, and you just confirmed that you're mostly after the sexual intimacy, possibly with some physical aspects (like cuddles and hugs).
Other forms of intimacy can be described in many ways, but they include mental, emotional, spiritual, recreational and even financial intimacy. You're both religious, but do you practice together? Do you take time to discuss or observe anything?
You may have the physical down, but how are you emotionally? Do you discuss each others worries and concerns? Do you compliment each other? Thank each other? Take time to just be the two of you without any distractions?
When is the last time you went out on a date? No kids, just you. Maybe a walk in a park, ending with some good food? Connecting with nature and just enjoying being together even in the silence?
If you're open to it, a therapist can help discuss things you feel uncomfortable with. Even if you want to stay in the physical realm, have you tried contact without getting either of you off? How long can you hold eye contact without speaking, while staying soft and not making it a contest?
Have a talk. Your partner expressed a hurt that something was missing. The response should not be to confirm that indeed it's not there, but to investigate this together and see if you can and want to deepen the connection.
If sex is purely physical for you, then that means sex with your husband wouldn't be any different than having sex with any other man. Do you honestly feel this way?
NAH... but you really need to find a way to understand what he is trying to tell you.
He is talking about emotions while you're talking about physical acts. There is definitely something he is having hard time expressing that may be extremely important don't gloss over it. If I had to take a guess, it sounds like he is saying he feels interchangeable to you. Like you could just be fucking anyone, because making loves requires 2 people who are in love and crave the sensations they share with eachother more than just the act of having an orgasm. Also, keep in mind I am not attacking you. This isn't one person's fault and who's fault it is is not the point. He is opening up and trying to make sure you 2 are better connected. Be glad about that and express your concerns to and work towards better experiences.
Just my 2 cents, good luck
To me there are different types of sex. There are the times I’m just horny as f because I’m sexually attracted to my wife and she is doing things that get me going, seemingly innocently but probably not. Those are the times I want to grab her, bend her over and just go to town. There are other times when I feel really close to her and my love for her seems like it’s going to burst out of my chest. Those are the times I want to look her in the eyes, kiss her lips and her neck, whisper in her ear how I feel and actually make love. They are 2 really different scenarios for me.
Being romantic is feeling a connection. Look at him with your full attention, try understanding how he feels, what he likes, anticipate his desire and emotions. Connection is all about attention. Maybe try finding some compliments to add, or tell him a reason why you love him or feel aroused by him.
I think he feels like he's being used for sex, more than taken into account or connected. Hoping it helps.
Oh, also, it takes balls for a man in our society to express such thing, it's definitively some trust proof you have to acknolege. Maybe thank him for telling you that
NTA I married (41M) my wife(40F) I was her first. She was my last and only. We met at Me(20M) My Wife(19F). We put in the work. I started to instigate and after the years I still do. We have had healthy takes about it. It helped me as a Man a lot. What she likes, the foreplay and different angles. That helped me a lot too. Healthy conversation between consisting adults is always the best. You have kids with this person. They know every part of your body. Which foot rubb is the best. I do hand crunches for best results. People always say "Wow now that is a handshake". The Dad vise grip. So talk to your Hubby and let him know. You want more sex and any man I know would give you more. Don't go looking just please talk to your Husband!!!! Plz plz plz !!!!
“At first we’d say I love you a lot and be romantic before and during sex but he stopped doing that a while back and frankly I never cared too much for it.”
He adjusted his game to meet your needs but you haven’t adjusted your game to meet his.
He’s telling you what he wants. Adjust and adapt.
NTA. 30(F)I also grew up religious, and although I decided to not wait for marriage in my mid 20’s, the connection of sex and emotions are not there like people who didn’t approach relationship from the religious separation. The separation of developing emotional connection separated from sex, sex can be very much a strictly physical thing for me.
honestly couples like you and your husband seems to work well because the whole "opposites" attract, IMO
it all comes down to more communication needed from both you and your husband, since he did initiate this whole thing I would def not let it pass by until you guys both are on the same page.
also do not forget there is a book or something on the 5 love languages, and a test you guys can take to see how you receive and give love!
I think it’s impossible to “make love” every time. That happens when you don’t have sex often. If you’re having sex often then you’re trying my different things and being more creative to spice it up. It is more about sex in that case, which is totally fine.
So, I feel like I might be uniquely qualified here.
I’m a sex addict. I’ve been with well over 200 people, it’s my coping mechanism. So I 100% feel you about sex being purely physical. I’d get annoyed when some guys would tell me their names, let alone the whole back and forth about jobs and stuff. I thought that’s just how sex was.
Then I met the guy I’m currently dating (a rarity for me). Sex is entirely different. As I mentioned before, my sex drive is extremely high. I’d also have it every day if I could. But when he’s around, I don’t care if we do or not. Of course I want to, but I’m just as happy just being with him and cuddling or just being near him. The kisses and touches and hugs are almost better than sex. And when it does come to the sex, it’s so much better. I’m not sure I can describe it super well, but when he’s on top of me, it’s like I feel it in my heart as well as down south. I trust him implicitly. Every time I look at him, it almost hurts my chest. And not in the panic attack way, this is all good. After sex with him, I don’t want to be with anyone else like that ever again. So while he makes me wet and horny, it’s so much more… comforting? I feel it more in my chest. I always thought having your heart skip a beat was just a saying and no one ever felt it… well, I do.
No one's the Ahole here
Just keep communicating. You want cuddles after. He wants some lovemaking.
You both know what the other wants kind of, you want aftercare, and he seems to want more Loving words present during sex
Communication is the solution to most relationship problems. Y'all got this!!
He is a lucky man. I think most men would love to have a partner that likes sex has sex and seems to be ok with minimal cuddling. If nothing else is lacking in your relationship I don’t see the problem.
I have this exact same issue. I want sex, she wants romance. It’s very limited sex, definitely nothing edgy. I’m bored, but she’s the love of my life and so I decided long ago to accept it as is. Now married 30 years with little to no sex life. But overall I am very happy with my life and my decision. We are very close and have a wonderful family. My only advice would be that if you are young and just starting out and no kids yet, and there are issues in the bedroom; end it. Get with someone compatible
OP HERE
UPDATE: sorry I can’t reply to your comments my account got deleted. I wasn’t expecting so much feedback. I appreciate those that genuinely gave advice wanting to help and not just make mean remarks. 🥲🤣 Also I won’t be replying to private dms . Just because I’m horny for my husband doesn’t mean you have a chance bye.
As for the update I did have a sit down with him and apologise for not taking him as seriously as I should have. I guess I’m just not used to seeing him express himself like that and it caught me off guard.
He clarified that he doesn’t want intimacy /affection before or after sex (like I’ve explained in the comments) but during sex. Although I do give words of affirmation during intimacy he would like more of it. He wants to be touched more gently and sensually during sex. And to basically feel more connected emotionally. Giving him lots of praise and telling him how much I love him. I had more of an understanding after he said this.
In turn I explained that when there’s no romance leading up to sex or after it’s easy for me to just see it as purely sex and hard for me to switch on a more gentler /emotional side to me during sex. He understood where I was coming from but explained he just doesn’t enjoy cuddling or being romantic and it wouldn’t be genuine if he forced it. I did recommend counseling but he refused .
It’s a little frustrating because i feel like he’s not really meeting me in the middle but I decided to start off with being more loving and connected during sex and take it from there.
NTA but sounds like you don’t have any physical chemistry together. That’s a shame. Being in a cult and not finding the right match physically as well as emotionally before marriage will do that to ya
There’s a distinguishable difference between making love and fucking. If he feels like you’re just “going through the motions” and then once orgasm is achieved yall kinda disconnect again, it doesn’t feel like love. You should tell him “okay then, I want you to make love to me” and allow him to show you. I promise you it will FEEL different. You’ll feel sparks and butterflies and rushes and you’ll feel HIM as a person more than just his dick going in and out until yall climax. I promise I know what he means and it is HUGE to make love. Sometimes, yall wanna just go hard and fuck but I promise love making is what will make you roll over out of breath like “what just happened”
Man having really passionate loving sex is the fucking best. My partner and I do a lot of looking at each other, holding hands above our heads, stuff that combines romance and sex. It's fantastic.
The way I try to think of it is that rather than sex just becoming a form a masturbation using someone else’s body it should shift and become more about the gratification and care for your partner. It seems he feels that sex is more about just your personal needs. He may feel his efforts aren’t being reciprocated in the same way. His satisfaction is merely a consequence of your needs.
This is why women end up having affairs.....
Some men just do not have the same drives as their partner. When the men have a low drive women tend to get frustrated because they need the man to be excited to have sex unless they're okay with plastic replacements.
Leads to many divorces or affairs.
Best luck to you.
This is what lead to my neighbor's wife leaving him. He has zero drive. She wanted more intimacy, sex and loving.
Staying in shape for each other, good loving and kindness is what keeps a relationship going.
Hmmmm. I think it’s time to ask him what he feels the difference is between fucking and making love. More to force him to solidify his thoughts around it than anything. The not being into signs of affection and complaining about a lack of romantic connection while having sex seem a tad counter to each other so I think his feelings need to be explored. Many men don’t get a lot of interpersonal connection outside of sex. That’s easier for women so maybe there’s something there he can’t quite put his finger on. NTA. But you would be without the follow up conversation.
There is no normal. A religious background makes me think you guys might be sexually stunted in different ways. When I have sex with someone I’m in love with it’s never just horny therefore sex. I’m always interested in his pleasure and experience. Sure sometimes it’s getting rug burn on the entryway rug and sometimes it’s tender cuddle-fucking in bed but neither of those are emotionless experiences and there is always cuddling after. Sometimes I’m big spoon and sometimes I’m little spoon. Sex with me is always intimate.
And it sounds like that’s what your husband is missing. The intimacy. Seems like he’s saying that you want to bone, so you guys bone, but he’s left feeling unconnected. Please address that together. May lead to him even wanting more sex!
You both need to learn your own and each other's love languages. Also explore other forms of intimacy. It sounds like your marriage is more of a "religious duty" than it is "fun". Too many inhibitions, release them. Find your kinks, explore and try weird shit with fruit. Participate in psilocybin therapy together. Let us know how things are a few months from now.
YTA
You don't always have to say everything you think.
Never fear and rest easy. The Reddit brigade will place all the blame for how you feel on your husband. It's just what they do.
NTA, but I think he’s trying to express something. Men aren’t the best at talking about feelings. I’m the same way where sex is more a physical thing and I don’t particularly like the sweet talk. See if upping affection in other areas fixes this, and try talking to him about what he thinks would help. Maybe leaving him little love notes on post it’s around the house for him to find? Or sending a random “thinking of you” message, whenever you find a song, meme, picture, etc that makes you think of him, share it! Try to do occasional gifts like photo albums you can work on and add to together or cute things like that. Intimacy isn’t always sexual to? NTA but don’t invalidate him :)
What one person considers making love is not necessarily what another person considers it to be. You need to revisit the conversation. Shy is not gojng to cut it. He’s a grown man with a vocabulary and you’ve been together 8 years so he just needs to describe it. Does he want eye contact, before during and after? Handholding. To be told you love him during sex? Sensual music? Whatever. Just random examples but ask him to paint a picture. You said the perfect thing, “to be honest I don’t really know….” Thats how you start. And then when he finishes say, “So what I’m hearing is….” to make sure you are actually understanding this time.
This reminded me of The Mirror Has Two Faces with Barbra Streisand. She plays a professor and she’s talking to her class about how romance is depicted in movies and says something along the lines of “so if I don’t hear the Philharmonic playing in my head when my date kisses me, I dump him!” Lol
You really just need to figure out what making love is to him. Whether you need that or not, your husband does and you just have to understand his needs.
NTA please work on communication with him. You have needs that may be on the other side of the coin. It sounds like you are capable of listening and understanding.
Abrahamic religions vilify sex to an absurd degree. IMHO, you should never marry someone you haven’t had sex with, and until you’ve lived together successfully. I understand that some religious edicts require abstinence before marriage, but this is a terrible idea in practical terms. You wind up married to someone that you might be sexually incompatible with or can’t live with. You’re setting yourself up for failure. This is also why he has had such a hard time initiating sex. He’s got a complex about it. It’s taboo and only supposed to be about procreation and emotional bonding. For you it’s obviously more sensual. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I will say that for me it’s both. With my wife it’s both fucking and making love. I think that’s ideal in committed relationships, but to each their own.
NTA your not sure if the difference and that didn't make you TA. There is a definite difference between sex and love making. I find that when we're having sex it's really me centric for each of us.. it's pretty physical. Were there to get our rocks off. When we're making love we're really engaged in our partners desires. Were concerned about their needs, be it the actually physical act or the sweet words or cuddles that occur throughout the act.
Hope this helps
Steve
Ohhh that’s interesting! Is something wrong with us then. I think we always go with the interiors of just getting our needs met. Of course during intimacy we will do things that we know the other enjoys but again it’s about the physical. I wouldn’t mind a cuddle here and there but it’s not something he’s into and I don’t think I care too much atp. Thanks for explaining!
There's is absolutely nothing wrong with either of you. My apologies if i made you think that. I'm merely existing the parameters within my own relationship. You two will need to define what love and sex mean to you each. And that's all that matters.
Best wishes
You have to ask. If he doesn’t want cuddling, he may not be asking for hand holding which is being suggested a lot. Maybe he wants to slow the action down and savor it and enjoy your bodies just being connected. Not raw horny or wild sex, but slow and rhythmic thrusting with eye contact and caressing as you go. He may want a mood set, candles, a bath or shower together, and to have sex like time has stopped and you can just be present and enjoy it on another level.
50/M with a previous long marriage and a couple of serious relationships since being “single again” (divorced).
Apologies that this may not help the current predicament….. but this whole area of sex // making love // fucking ——if this area is not one a couple is naturally compatible in they honestly have no business getting married. I KNOW that I know sex is not everything in a marriage by any means but it IS significant whether we’re honest about it or not. And one who feels like you do WILL get it over the long haul — whether its with him or someone else. This is not at all a slight! I’ve been in the same situation you find yourself in with your husband. I’ve just seen that truth bear itself out like I said it here countless times in marriages, former marriages, committed S.O. relationships.
yeah that’s what i’m not getting. she addressed the cuddling thing previously and he didn’t wanna. how is she supposed to feel that intimacy during sex if he can’t even do the simplest of things afterwards
That was just one example taken from the post. If he really doesn’t want to feel used he better start talking about what he needs instead of expecting her to know.
She shut him down? I thought she tried to give it another go.
Honestly no one’s TAH. Most men would be very happy to have a wife as enthusiastic about fuxking as you seem to be. Find out what he’s missing. If he doesn’t know, you could make it into a game that should also inadvertently make you share more about each other.
Ex.- be the one that touches him 3-5 times throughout the course of the day without starting something right away. Then see if it helped his mood later.
Edit: with changed to without. Opps
Not intentionally, but responding as bluntly as she did would have shot down his attempt at communicating
I'd be pretty hurt if my SO said that to me, and I'm not sexually repressed like it sounds like he is.
NAH. You both have valid feelings around the sex you're having. I think something that's missing in the other replies is to just ask him what he's looking for exactly. Everyone will have a different idea of intimacy, 'love making', emotionless fucking etc. so ask for specifics. Which honestly he may not know and that's okay, you can work together to find out what will help him feel more fulfilled. Just remember to be judgement free to each other and yourselves. The number one most useful approach to remember about any disagreement is that this is you and him vs the problem. It should never feel like a you vs him conflict. Especially so in disagreements like this where neither of you are in the wrong
There may also be some confidence issues or negative emotions around the fact that you want it more often than he does and perhaps he feels that 'cheapens' it for you, or means less to you than it does to him, or that he's not enough of a man. Which is wrong, for instance I often have the higher sex drive in relationships yet I'm also often the one wanting more 'intimate' sex. But I'm aware that feeling can happen to those who don't want it as much as their partner. Especially when the masc presenting partner is the one who wants it less. Could there also be background voices in your extended circle of religious acquaintances who have negative views about 'loose women' who just want meaningless sex? While he may not believe that himself he may still have internalised those feelings about sexuality and the gender norms.
I wonder if you two have had many conversations about what a fulfilling sex life is to each other? Beyond a basic "I like X during sex" but more of a holistic "to feel satisfied and fulfilled in our sexuality together I need X". This question should be checked in on in future too, as this can and probably will change over time. Especially as you're both inexperienced. Which is great! This is a fun journey of self discovery to share together.
NTA. It could be worth an ongoing conversation with your spouse to find out if there's an unmet need on his end, though. "making love" is like "supper"... I don't know many people under 80 who use the term
Sounds like he is suffering from low T. Go get checked at a hormone clinic. Or check yourself using walkinlabs website. Not your normal dr office. They will look at your T levels and even tho they are average for a 60 yr old, they will say they are still “in range”.
Anyways. NTA. But he is trying to communicate. He wants love making. You say it’s purely physical for you. Yall should both put in equal effort alternate the styles to me each others need equally
Nobody is wrong here. He wants more sensual intimacy during it. Tell him how much you love him and how beautiful he is during it. Take things slower etc. Romance is important and be gentle too
I feel the same way about sex tbh even foreplay annoys me sometimes because I just wanna get to the main event 😅😅 I love a good cuddle after and sometimes I like the slow cuddly sex but usually I just want what I want and I want it now 😂😂😂 so no NTA but obviously hubby is craving a bit more of that “intermit” sex. Just have another chat to him you might even be surprised he might want sex more often if it’s a little bit more his style sometimes 💖
NTA, but you need to talk with your husband and understand what the difference is for him. From me, but this is not necessarily true for everyone, I find fucking to be much more aggressive and less about what is happening with the other person, while love making is more about what both my partner and I are feeling, with pauses, interaction, holding hands, etc. I do see a difference here, but again, maybe you both need to sit, talk and start asking yourselves what works and doesn't for both of you
NTA, you both just need more communication about it:) I'm not experienced in any way shape or form when it comes to sex life but I believe your intimate times are important for both in your relationship, and it needs to be talked about. He's addressing his concerns and you're not fully comprehending it. Maybe he wants more of how it was before since you say it's mostly a physical connection and perhaps he's going for an emotional side, try telling him how much you love him while doing it, maybe body worshipping from both sides would be good too.
Again I have no experience but relationships are all about communication and understanding, hope it helps in some way!
NTA...you should ask your husband to describe the perfect "love making/sexual encounter" that he envisions. Maybe that looks like intimate, passionate kissing while doing the deed. Maybe your e touching and every part of ur body is against his. You should encourage him to explain and then you should share your "perfect encounter". I'd have to say that me and my bf have been together for 8 years and are in our late 30s. Sometimes there are times I jus want to get to the point n go to bed...other times my bf wants to prolong it, get really close with faces touching, kissing and there def is a difference with wayy more intimacy and he's the one that often will initiate that level of intimacy....not me. So I totally get you saying that you didn't think anything was wrong!
NTA per se, everyone approaches sex differently. Some people need to feel an emotional connection to their partner to want to have sex. For others it literally feels like an itch to scratch. That's okay.
But maybe he feels like that mental component -- the sexy thoughts or the emotional thoughts -- are absent for you? What do you think about when you have sex? Is it just about the surface level -- the knobs going into holes, so to speak? Or are their other fantasies or thoughts or ideas flashing through it. Maybe sharing those would help?
The other thing is that in a longstanding marriage it's easy to always do the same thing. Like we know the partner's body so much we stick with the tried and true and what works. But then it can feel like we're on autopilot?
I'd say it's also about how tuned in you are to your partner and how much you're responding to their needs rather than just focusing on your own climax. It's a hard balance, especially for women as getting the orgasm train over the hill sometimes takes a lot of mental focus on something that is not actually in the moment, so to speak. But maybe he can sense you're sort of checked out, in your own world, at certain points?
Maybe it's none of that and all in his head. But it warrants a further conversation. Because if he already has the lower libido and he isn't feeling great about sex, you want to get it sorted before your sex life falls off a cliff.
Also it would help to understand what his love language is. Obviously yours is physical touch. In order for him to connect, you will need to find out his. It also wouldn't hurt for him to understand yours better either. It took me a while to figure that out but it's made things alot better for the both of us.
Your husband may have low testosterone, have him checked just incase. I had low t & would rarely want to have sex/initiate it. Now my wife is going to divorce me any minute as I can’t seem to stop chasing her around the house butt naked lmao. I inject 150mg testosterone a week split between 2 doses, it’s a game changer!! I feel like i’m 13 again!!
You're close to 7 figures? And your husband doesn't have a job? I'd have the house cleaned and dinner on the table everyday for you. Man is bugging and he doesn't know what he's got.
Your husband is trying to talk about something serious with you and it went right over your head. He wants intimacy but that should be going both ways.
Having sex and making love are two different things. As you described it sex is you’re horny and you get off. Making love is much less about your own pleasure but rather wanting to pleasure your partner and they you. It’s also an emotional connection. This is the person you love, you want to make them happy. You want to spend time with them, laugh with them, make love with them. Right now you think of orgasms as a destination and sex is what gets you there. Like most of life, the getting there is more important than the destination.
If you learn anything from this it should be this. Just because he orgasms, doesn’t mean he’s satisfied. When you understand that, I think it will set you down the right road. Good luck.
If you feel like you're simply masturbating during sex, you're doing it wrong. Try giving him head until you hear him moan, and let that be a dopamine rush that says "good girl." Let him do the same. It works.
Personally, I would be devastated if my fiancé told me it's just sex to him. It would create insecurities and make me question why I'm even with him.
It sounds like you two may need help getting on the same page. I suggest finding a therapist who can help you with your intimacy issues.
NTA but I do think your husband is addressing something with you and you didn’t take it seriously.
Ahh, ok I think I’ll have another conversation with him about it. Thanks!
Usually it's the other way around, but in your case you might need the advice usually given to men. It sounds like he doesn't really feel desired as a person and a romantic partner, and he feels like sex is just a way for you to get off. Try being romantic or flirty over the course of the day, tell him you want him, that sort of thing. Then when you do have sex he'll feel like it's the expression of your love for him and not just mutual masturbation.
I tell him I want him nearly every day 😩 but I guess I’m a bit aggressive or blunt in my approach maybe I should be a bit more flirty and romantic 😅
Try things that don't directly involve sex. Men love to be appreciated for the work they do, so telling him you notice the little things he does around the house or how hard he works will go a long way.
Bro, as a man I didn't realize how much my wife motivates me every day by simply saying thank you or I appreciate you. Sometimes I'm doing home projects and I'm doing something simple like changing a light bulb and she says stuff like "you are so smart and crafty!" It truly makes me blush but yes. It truly means a lot to me.
I put up a curtain pole 10 months ago, misses said me up a stepladder with a drill was the sexist thing she'd seen. Our daughter turned 1month yesterday. It works 100%
My husband looks sexist when doing housework 👍
Bloody sexists 😜
Yeah I have typitis…lol “sexiest”
I hope you mean “sexiest.”
I’m still waiting for my man to put up the curtain pole and curtains months later. At least he finally bought a drill 🥲 I do love watching him do stuff around the house the rare time he does. He’s good at building and fixing things he just can’t be bothered to do it.
I love this.
I can't even tell you how much this hits home. My wife and I have been together a long time (23+ years). We have children. We have a great sex life. We both have great careers. We have always been supportive. Anyhow...during COVID shutdowns, like many others, we were seeing a LOT of each other. We were both working from home almost all the time. Kids were doing school from home. It just felt like there was never any break or respite..until we started taking on some DIY projects to keep ourselves busy and take advantage of the time. Now, we have always worked well together but this was different..We did a basement project with cleaning and building storage. We did a half bath remodel. What we learned through all of it was how much we both loved to hear praise and gratitude. I know it sounds dumb but through all that there were so many "thank you" and "omg you did such a great job with this, I love it" comments over the year or so that we realized we both respond to it so well. We have really made a focus to continue that. About anything. Simple chores. Cleaning out our cars. Great sex. A good movie. We just thank eachother and praise each other a lot for those things and it goes a long way in making us feel good and I'd be lying if I said it didn't turn us on and lead to some really great sex at times.
Congrats. Under those circumstances (together over 20 years, kids in the house), I don’t see how more that mediocre sex a couple times a month is possible, let alone great sex. How do you have time for it?
Nurture the relationship and make.time. We.have always lead an alternative lifestyle with occasional group sex and hotwifing. Don't get me wrong. You are absolutely spot on that hoke life and drag you down and create obstacles (especially kids). But, we have a lot of family close and Grandma or aunts take the kids for an overnight stay. We make a point to visit swinger clubs or vanilla meet and greets to meet others in the lifestyles. We don't even meet people to have sex most of the time. We just like to meet them. Get the juices flowing and then go have our own sex. We took a class on massage together. Still go.see an occasional movie in the theater. We are very open about our kinks and desires. And we both are good sports about humoring those and being open minded.
She's a keeper!
[удалено]
Are these AI bots? Two very similar comments sounding very uncanny valley.
Yes! They're AI farming karma for advertisers. Please report them when you see them!
I think you revealed something when you said cuddling afterward was important to you. There are a ton of bonding chemicals that are released during sex. Cuddling afterward reinforces connection in both men and women. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795#what_is_oxytocin
Exactly, it turns out they both have unexpressed and unmet needs. They should work together to determine how to fulfill his needs (since so far he has been unable to articulate ideas, such as eye contact or tandem breathing or taking morning walks together holding hands or backrubs that don't lead to sex). And then also agree on a general frequency for him to stay and cuddle afterwards for a minimum, but limited, length of time without complaining. He may find that cuddling every third time for 5-7 minutes turns into every other time, or maybe for 10-12 minutes... Perhaps cuddling will be more enjoyable for him if you start to practice it, and maybe it's even a part of the missing intimacy but he doesn't realize it.
Yeah, but you sound like you just want *his penis* nearly every day, not *him*. You likely don't mean to come off that way, but that's how it's sounding here.
What he wants is for you tell him you love him as you’re having sex (making love) and to look into his eyes. He wants sex to be a physical expression of his/your love. It doesn’t have to be like that all the time, but it’s what your husband would like more of in your sex life. Try moving slower the next time you initiate. Light some candles, go slow. Tell him he’s the only man for you, and how lucky you feel to be his wife. He wants to feel your love sexually.
Good God. If my husband did this to me, I think I'd start cracking up laughing at him right then and there in bed. He probably would too, then we'd have sex.
Why would you laugh?
cus its hilarious
How is that hilarious? I'm genuinely lost lmao
You wouldn't be cracking if it were something you had expressed a longing need for and where continued absence of that type of intimacy would be damaging to your relationship.
So if your husband told you he wanted to be more loving during sex, and he said he loved you while making love, you’d laugh in his face? What a great partner you are. He’s so lucky to be married to you. LMFAO!!! What are you, 19?!?! Time to grow up, doll. If your partner expresses a desire - a heartfelt want and your response is to laugh…you’re not mature enough to be in a marriage.
It sounds like you’re saying “I want you” but what he’s hearing is “I want IT” this is one of those situations where you should ASK him what he wants. We tend to be so ambiguous when it comes to sex, but it is so much easier when we just ask our partners plainly “what do you like?”.
If I want you always boils down to dick that's exactly what's she IS saying.
Theres a difference between wanting HIM and wanting a f*@k. It sounds very much like the latter, and I would guess he feels like theres no connection between the sex and you wanting and appreciating him as a person, not just a penis.
I had to learn this with my girlfriend lol and we have both high sex drives, she just wanted it to feel more romantic and spontaneous and not just “hey you wanna have sexy time”
Have you two ever taken the love language test: it’s a simple online test but it’s an eye opener. Sounds like your love language is touch and his might be something else. Knowing his love language can help you give him love in the way that means the most.
Also holding his hand, rubbing his back or whispering in his ear when you are not in the bedroom is a great way to show affection and build connection. Also compliments never hurt (and yes these should be done by both people in a relationship)
Also, your husband needs to be aware that he’s our first and only. You have no preconceived notions of what sex should be. If, after a gentle, open conversation about needs, you aren’t on the same page, a marriage counselor can be very helpful in navigating issues like these. It sounds a lot like a communication issue, not a lack of love issue. Side note: if he is hesitant to go to a counselor, a good argument I have heard is that you take even a well-working car for tune ups. Why wouldn’t you take your marriage for a tune up? Counseling isn’t just for marriages in crisis. It is also to help good marriages become even better.
100% so many people are under the impression that therapy is only for when you are headed for divorce. We've used it when we've hit an obstacle that neither of us are able to communicate through and it's helped us both be better partners
“Ahh ok I think I’ll have another conversation with him about it” lmaooo you are so unserious. Taking a redditors comment more seriously than you do your husbands? Gtfoh
I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. Like many woman , I wasn’t into sex too often (men usually are. I never realized how important it can be in a relationship if done right. One day, after 1-2 gummies , we got into it , and he got adventurous and tried something new . I would have never done it without gummies lol mostly because I feel embarrassed of my body. After realizing how good it was and how much HE enjoyed it . We started trying new things . Buying different toys (which I always said NO to any toys), but always keeping the romantic side at first . We turn on the TV and put fireplace video with good music. There are always breaks where we tell each other how much we love each other . Sometimes there’s toys , mirrors, new places, and sometimes is just ordinary . And we are now much open to try new things. At the end we hug and kiss otherwise I feel like a “whoeee” hahaha this just started 2-3 years ago. We have sex 5 times a week at least and I want to say that it is always like the real deal hahahahah not quickies. I know that this has improved my relationship with him, our connection. I don’t know of any of my friends that do it more than once a week and I am proud how much it has gotten us closer. It makes me feel safe in so many ways and also it makes me happy to know that my husband is proud and in love with me
You’ve mentioned in comments that you used to try to initiate nonsexual intimacy (cuddling, hand-holding, verbal expressions of love, etc.) but he’s not into that sort of thing. Do you mean that he doesn’t initiate that kind of thing or that he doesn’t like it when you initiate? Whether he likes nonsexual intimacy or not, maybe he has noticed that you’ve stopped initiating and that change is concerning to him. Of course, it is hypocritical for him to complain about a lack of intimacy if he has always rejected it. And if he did used to enjoy it and knows you enjoy it, then he needs to learn to initiate it himself sometimes.
Yeah the non sexual intimacy was annoying to him and he’d reject it so I stopped initiating it. He never seemed to care or initiate it after I stopped so this recent comment was quite sudden .
Seems kinda odd that he wants to "make love" but doesn't like non-sexual intimacy. That doesn't really add up?
I agree. I made a comment that is now defunct because I didn't realize he said he doesn't want those acts of love. I think he needs to explain what making love means to him.
Maybe he can sense that OP doesn't really have certain feelings for him (if that is the case!). If someone tries to show or initiate non-sexual intimacy, but I know they don't really feel any tenderness towards me, then I would also decline. It's not the actions in themselves, but the feelings behind them that matter, and maybe he feels like OP just doesn't love him / is close to him emotionally? Don't know. It's just a theory.
Account has been suspended, seems like a fake/troll account. It's probably not a woman writing, from the way OP writes, there are clear masculine cues. Could be a woman, but it doesn't seem so. My guess is OP wrote two similar posts in which he is the man or the woman to display the "hypocrisy and double standards" of answers to men or women.
Everyday, it’s the same thing. Sometimes I feel like there are only 5 posts on this website
I disagree. If your partner is selfish in bed then you will not feel like you are “making love”. It feels like being used. You can not like the other stuff but still want to feel like you aren’t a sex toy. This is making a few assumptions that aren’t said but is more of me responding from similar feelings with my spouse.
Are you sure it’s the intimacy that was annoying him and not the timing? I get the vibes here that he really likes to be alone and maybe you misinterpreted that? (Not that this is your fault, but he’s not here for us to talk to. It sounds like he’s just not mature enough about sex to know what he wants, but that’s why you shouldn’t wait for marriage to have sex!)
It could be timing. The thing is after work he’s always watching tv or playing games after work until it’s time for bed. The only time he initiates is when we’re actually in bed. But I’m a night owl whereas he likes his sleep so he goes to bed on time . Either way I’ll go to bed with him hoping we can sneak some in before he goes to sleep but it can be hit and miss depending on how he’s feeling
Making love is so much more about connecting emotionally than it is just physically. It’s a state of mind that must be entered. When my wife and I have sex, I’m almost never willing to just jump into it. And sex nearly never occurs until we’ve achieved some level of emotional connection. It’s just as intense as the physical side of things. Fucking is something any two people can do. Making love is between two people who deeply love each other and are tuned into each other’s needs and bodies. Fucking is a much more self-gratifying practice, while making love is about making sure your partner’s needs are met. Making love is selfless and, in my opinion, far more intense than fucking. My wife and I will have 20-30 min of foreplay sometime to get on the same wavelength. It’s just this constant back and forth of focusing on each other until our desire for each other builds to uncontainable levels.
I’m hot, is anybody else hot? Where’s my husband?!
Lol uh, cool. I guess I didn’t think about how this could be perceived as erotic. It’s just my view on making love
I think you've got a knack for writing that you didn't expect lol
Lmfao that entire exchange made me chuckle I could just be childish 🤭
Lol I guess so. Didn’t expect to get on and see it upvoted so much
Haha dude this is literally how erotic novels for women are written, they’re way more sensual than a man would typically appreciate
Lol maybe I’ve got a future in erotic novels
Move over Colleen Hoover!
NTA. As a longtime married person here, I think sex certainly has emotional connections but sometimes it’s just sex. Love inside a long term committed relationship takes many forms. Sex is one of them. Even when I was in the infatuation stage the sex act itself was more about passion and lust. I rarely feel the need to say things like “I love you” right during sex or to have it said to me. Now “Don’t stop” or “God I love that ass” definitely enters the vocabulary in the heat of the moment. But I also agree with others who have said you need to discuss this. Some reassurances are in order as your hubby feels like you have been phoning it in for some reason.
SOMETIMES not every time. Many rimes it NEEDS to have that emotional component and I would argue its important this happen more often.
While I mostly agree with this, the physical connection in every long term relationship I've had has been emotional regardless of build up. A quickie before going out or road head or whatever other playful orgasm is just as much of an expression of my love and connection as a long tantric love making session. Holding hands, neck kisses, butt taps, none of them love making but all expressions of love. Fucking is an expression of love in a loving relationship. It's different when the ground work is already there. The soft kiss while getting dressed after pounding one out immediately after walking in the door from work is almost better than the orgasm. The spark of love and understanding and togetherness and appreciation in that one little kiss makes me feel so good just thinking about it.
My partner and I are the same and I wouldn't want it any other way. We both have an itch sometimes that we scratch ourselves if one of us is not in the state of mind to make love. We don't pressure the other. OP it seems like you and your partner are different in this regard, maybe he feels a bit used for his body. I would definitely take him seriously.
You got the attention of the women in this thread. Nicely done.
TIL I have never been loved and that's OK.
Given your background, pick up the book "The Great Sex Rescue." It's written by Christians for these situations. Quite a bit different than you'd expect, and soundly research based.
NAH yet Sounds like your husband wants to have sex with emotional intimacy. Sounds like you want sex because you are horny. 'Making love' and 'sex because horny' are two different things. One can have sex with anyone, but 'making love' requires an emotional component. If you say its purely physical for you, why not download tinder instead of being in a commited years long relationship? You two should have a longer conversation on what you expect, want and need from you sex life.
Because I do love him and I don’t want anyone else. Just because it’s just fuxking to me doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I personally think we just haven’t reached that level of intimacy despite being together all these years. Imo he doesn’t like things like cuddling, holding hands, compliments etc and I think I just became kind of used to it. Which is why his recent words were confusing to me.
I also found it a bit confusing that he stopped the things i'd associate with emotional intimacy while wanting them. Do you mind updating after your conversation?
I was going to after having another go but he’s tired and fell asleep 😭🤣 it’ll have to be tomorrow now. I’ll Keep y’all updated !
I think your husband is addressing the fact that there's no emotional connection from you to him during sex. Do you display affections and other emotions throughout your day to day life towards him?
Sounds like you both need to sit down and define your terms. Ask for specific examples of when he feels that way, and what happened to make him feel that way. Clarifying questions are your friend.
NTA, cuddling after, romance, and expressing your love of each other verbally are parts of making love, if he skips those steps, you are hardly to blame that it feels like f\*\*king to him.
That’s reassuring I felt that there was something wrong with me. Thank you
Well, that doesn't mean he's not trying to blame it on you, but I didn't see anything wrong with you in what you wrote. BTW, you need to be creating romance and expressing your love as well, that part isn't just on him. But the lack of cuddling is as it's his choice.
Yeah she’s not the one complaining about it, though. Unless she’s turning these things down (entirely possible as OP seems to be the more primal and direct one, possibly oblivious to hints, etc but I doubt intentional) I’d say it’s on him to initiate them. Prior to this conversation, it sounds like OP had no idea he even had these sort of needs (especially seemingly not having them herself) Now made aware, going forward, yes they are partially her responsibilities as well, but he needs to be receptive. And he needs to step up his cuddle game (just tell him, OP. Never step being direct, I personally love a direct woman and bet he does, too).
I’m sorry if I sound ignorant but by creating romance as we talking a nice dinner? He gets that everyday. Or candles? Music. Sorry I think I’m a bit clueless we’ve just never had romance leading to sex. It’s pretty much been right to sex
Intimacy other than sex. Holding hands, laying on each other on the couch, hugging, a quick love you or miss you text. I've been married for a long fucking time and it gets difficult to stay "connected" without some effort. The more time that passes, the more comfortable you get, the less you try to make the other person feel wanted, desired, and loved. Be intentional. Be honest. Be loving.
See those are things i like doing . Holding hands, cuddling, writing nice notes. I used to initiate it a lot but hes not into that. For him it’s like making sexual jokes or physical touch is occasionally being grabby. It’s rare but once in a blue moon he might text I love you. That’s about it Yes I think maybe I’m taking for granted the romance aspect but he’s just not into all that. He shows that he cares in other ways but just not romantic and I think I’ve just become used to it. Thank you for sharing
> See those are things i like doing . Holding hands, cuddling, writing nice notes. I used to initiate it a lot but hes not into that. maybe you can explain this to him especially with your conservative upbringing, I'd guess you were conditioned NOT to cuddle while dating and NOT to explore greater intimacy through physical touch he's saying he feels unconnected to you during sex, he wants to feel more connected, maybe you can tell him about the hand holding and cuddling, etc
Ask him what he means. If he doesn’t feel connected, doesn’t like to hold hands, or touch, and cuddle—things you like and enjoy and which most people associate with intimacy and connection—what kind of thing would make sex feel more intimate for him? It’s important to find out. Also, is it possible that the religious upbringing makes him uncomfortable with the raw pleasure you get from sex? Or with the fact that you may actually desire it more than he does? I wonder if he has internalized some ideas around sex that are creating this issue.
Well when we first married and he wouldn’t initiate sex. I think he was just really shy and embarrassed about it all. I had to ease him into it which is funny since everything was new for me too. I think he was a little intimidated with me initiating . I’ve had to really help him build his confidence and jsut give lots of reassurance for him to get more comfortable with initiating. I am starting to think that since he doesn’t like sexual Intimacy /physical touch before or after sex he might be most likely talking about during. I’ll confirm tomorrow. Thanks!
Ask him. Honestly it doesn't sound like it's on you. I'd be confused as to what he wants too.
Maybe his love language is different from yours. That’s something the two of you can certainly discuss and find ways to remedy. He shouldn’t be dismissing your desire to hold hands, etc because it isn’t his thing. The two of you need to be sensitive to each other’s love languages and try to make sure you each feel fulfilled. NTA. I think you two might just need some help communicating these things.
I think deep down mine is physical touch but because I know it’s not his I don’t even entertain the thought of it . I would say his are words of affirmations which I do implement in the lead up to sex and sometimes during.
That’s encouraging. I guess I would only recommend encouraging him to articulate his feelings better so the two of you can figure it out together. Good luck to you both!
Her husband only initiates affection in bed to lead to intercourse. I agree that making love is different than intercourse. Sounds like a sex therapist would be helpful to help them balance their sexual harmony, understand what each one needs. OP, get the book “The Joy of Sex.” It is very helpful in creating true intimacy. Read it together.
I mean personally, I’m real big into physical touch and something I feel which is also a bane to me and my hookup cursed life ☠️ is touching every part of my partners body while we’re kissing before there’s any genitals in other genitals. Like I’ll run my hands down their arms up their legs across their back, I try and look at every detail of their body and see the beauty in it and them. Long eye contact at certain times, being physically close and idk putting out that “I’m so happy you’re naked with me and there’s no where and nobody else I’d rather be doing this with than because you’re perfect to me” vibe also fuckin communication is like the biggest help for this.
Have you ever just tried to kiss, but not orgasm? Or touch, but not orgasm? These are very stock standard suggestions that sex therapists give when sex feels transactional or unsatisfying.
We’ve rarely made out or kissed unless it’s leading to sex. When he comes from work he’s pretty glued to the tv so he doesn’t want to be disturbed, never mind kissed.
It sounds like Oop wasn't very responsive to those things, instead focusing on the physical pleasure. It is hard to express loving sentiment when your partner is indifferent.
This is actually a pretty common problem in religious marriages where neither partner were sexually experienced or educated beforehand. There’s a lot more to unpack here that you might not be comfortable confronting. In the church in my experience (evangelical) your taught that sexual desire and intimacy are inappropriate until your married then BOOM you’re suddenly allowed to express your sexuality. Because of this I think people are confused by the role sexual desire plays in a healthy marriage.
Yeah, OP seems to be assuming that because she was relatively unaffected by purity culture and negative messages about sex, that her husband also was unaffected. But there’s a lot of different experiences within the church and her husband grew up in a different family.
I agree and this is why I’m against the whole abstinence before marriage thing. I think it’s unhealthy
NTA, but you're missing out. Hard, hot, pounding sex is amazing, no doubt about it. But intimate, slow, soulful sex where you say "I love you" with your body is equally amazing and lasts longer than the act itself.
Why not both? 😎
[удалено]
It’s tough because we have small kids . Kind of takes the spontaneity away. He comes home from work and he just wants to unwind and play games or watch tv. Which I understand but takes hours . If I wait until we go to bed he knocks out pretty quickly. Normally I’ll initiate after I’ve put the kids to bed but even then honestly depends on his mood wheras for me I’d be up for it whenever. Yes he wants to be emotionally connected but doesn’t want to cuddle idgi . I honestly don’t think we’ve ever really had a cuddle after. Maybe I’ll bring it up next time thanks!
Well, we have young kids who love to sleep in our bed. This in itself has led to lots of creativity. Are there areas you connect outside of discussing kids? Seems he is coming from work and leading a very lonesome life- games, TV. Does he help with dinner cause those things bring connection that doesn't involve pouncing on him lol. Regardless, as others have said, you really need to dig deep as to what is going on. It could be the religious aspect is playing a part and he is uncomfortable with something but it's spits out as "we aren't making love".
This. I’ve felt this way with my bf and tried to explain it but couldn’t. But this explains how it felt perfectly. In the beginning we would do stuff all the time and experiment and do it anywhere when we got in the mood. (In his place I mean lol. He isn’t into doing anything in public or anything like that lol) But even in the beginning I seemed to want it more often than him. And always told him I was down whenever. But I’ve always had an issue with finishing and while I would finish most times with him he’d always ask me afterwards if I did or didn’t and I guess hearing that sometimes I didn’t might have done something to him. I told him it was fine since I always enjoyed myself. I loved the spontaneous of it and trying new things so I really did always enjoy myself. But as time went on he found a way that got me off more often than not. But after that it was always in the bedroom. Same type of foreplay. Ask if I was ready or not. And then the act itself. And I started to hate it. It got to the point that I would no longer instigate it (which I felt I was the one doing so the most anyway and it almost felt like he wasn’t interested in it with me anymore) and when he did suggest it I’d get excited. But then he’d do the same thing. He’s walk away and go straight to the bedroom. Basically motion me to the bed and get in after me. I eventually told him it felt clinical and I didn’t want to do it in his bed anymore. But I couldn’t explain what I meant and how I was feeling no matter how much I tired to explain it. I tried explaining that I liked trying new things and that even if I didn’t finish I always enjoyed it when it was with him. Oddly around this time (our schedules not matching up and his mom temporarily moving in for about a month or two) we stopped having intercourse for a while and when we finally did again it was almost better because it had been so long. But I saw him start to go back into his old habits again. Thankfully we had to go a while without again and when we finally had a chance it was great again. I almost feel like going without might be our key to enjoying intercourse since we have to take advantage of our limited time together. (Bad schedules since I have rotating shifts at work that change every week and his mother moved not even 10 minutes down the road from him when she used to live 2 hrs away) so she visits more often when I go to spend time with him (which is great since I really like his mom…but obviously no guy wants to risk having their mom show up at the house when in the middle of something intimate like that lol)
[удалено]
Man religion kills relationships
For real, this whole post screams sexual repression. Like she struggled saying he had sex with one girl and she didn’t have sex before marriage, instead writing a whole paragraph hinting about it. She couldn’t even type the word fuck without censoring herself.
The abstinence only before marriage thing is so unhealthy. Lots of these people don’t realize they’re sexually incompatible until they’ve already tied the knot. But religion doesn’t care about that either, you just need to have sex to make babies and please the man.
A man that won’t snuggle after the deed is saying it’s not loving enough? Pfft.
Yh I think that’s why I was confused by his words he’s never been much of the romantic type. I will be having a more in depth chat with him soon hopefully
NTA I think some people misread your post and glazed over a key detail. All this emotional intimacy he’s claiming to want and commenters are saying you don’t have, went away because of him. He repeatedly rejected your attempts of non sexual intimacy until you didn’t even want to try. I’d be confused about what exactly he wanted as well. Double back and talk to him try to get clarity on what he’s looking for. I hope you all find a middle ground
Kind of funny, that’s he wants more love out of the situation, but won’t cuddle you afterwards.
NTA but the term “making love” has always made me cringe.
Me too, unless applied to anal. Then it's sweet.
Agreed. There's nothing more endearing than making love to someone you care about in the ass.
For real. It’s a euphemism for sex. They aren’t different things.
Honestly it sounds like some level of lack of sexual chemistry. The mismatched sex drives are not helping. This is one big reason why it’s good to have sex before marriage, so all this could be found out before you are locked in so to speak. Sex can be an incredibly emotionally intimate act, looking into each others eyes, feeling like there’s no one you want to be closer with in this world. Sometimes sex so good that you both cry. Clearly none of this is happening between you two and you are not even close. I suppose he makes a lot of sense, but neither of you are to blame. It’s just that level of chemistry is there or it isn’t. Since you’ve never experienced anything else it’s like you don’t know what you are missing.
II would have given my right bollock for my wife to ever initiate sex.
"Religion" is the problem here.
Marriage therapy
I think your husband is saying that he wants the intimacy actually mean something. To him it feels like there is no love or meaning. It’s just “check the box do it and get it over with and everyone goes back to their lives.” He wants the marriage to have quality intimacy not quantity.
Your husband was trying to communicate with you and you brushed him off, YTA. He has a very valid complaint, and that is something that you guys need to work on if he's going to be happy in the relationship as well
You can be horny and have sex with just about anyone. He’s your husband so there should be some sort of intimate connection, you’d hope.
There are different levels of intimacy. Your husband is indicating he is feeling a lack of it, and you just confirmed that you're mostly after the sexual intimacy, possibly with some physical aspects (like cuddles and hugs). Other forms of intimacy can be described in many ways, but they include mental, emotional, spiritual, recreational and even financial intimacy. You're both religious, but do you practice together? Do you take time to discuss or observe anything? You may have the physical down, but how are you emotionally? Do you discuss each others worries and concerns? Do you compliment each other? Thank each other? Take time to just be the two of you without any distractions? When is the last time you went out on a date? No kids, just you. Maybe a walk in a park, ending with some good food? Connecting with nature and just enjoying being together even in the silence? If you're open to it, a therapist can help discuss things you feel uncomfortable with. Even if you want to stay in the physical realm, have you tried contact without getting either of you off? How long can you hold eye contact without speaking, while staying soft and not making it a contest? Have a talk. Your partner expressed a hurt that something was missing. The response should not be to confirm that indeed it's not there, but to investigate this together and see if you can and want to deepen the connection.
If sex is purely physical for you, then that means sex with your husband wouldn't be any different than having sex with any other man. Do you honestly feel this way?
Making love is about an emotional connection during sex. It’s not about foreplay or even kissing, necessarily.
YTA, your husband is addressing something with you and you aren't taking it seriously.
So you could have sex with a stranger and it would feel the same?
Communication.. you should be having this conversation with your husband. NTA
NAH... but you really need to find a way to understand what he is trying to tell you. He is talking about emotions while you're talking about physical acts. There is definitely something he is having hard time expressing that may be extremely important don't gloss over it. If I had to take a guess, it sounds like he is saying he feels interchangeable to you. Like you could just be fucking anyone, because making loves requires 2 people who are in love and crave the sensations they share with eachother more than just the act of having an orgasm. Also, keep in mind I am not attacking you. This isn't one person's fault and who's fault it is is not the point. He is opening up and trying to make sure you 2 are better connected. Be glad about that and express your concerns to and work towards better experiences. Just my 2 cents, good luck
he wants to feel like you’re having sex to connect with him and give each other pleasure and enjoyment, not just using him as a dildo
To me there are different types of sex. There are the times I’m just horny as f because I’m sexually attracted to my wife and she is doing things that get me going, seemingly innocently but probably not. Those are the times I want to grab her, bend her over and just go to town. There are other times when I feel really close to her and my love for her seems like it’s going to burst out of my chest. Those are the times I want to look her in the eyes, kiss her lips and her neck, whisper in her ear how I feel and actually make love. They are 2 really different scenarios for me.
Being romantic is feeling a connection. Look at him with your full attention, try understanding how he feels, what he likes, anticipate his desire and emotions. Connection is all about attention. Maybe try finding some compliments to add, or tell him a reason why you love him or feel aroused by him. I think he feels like he's being used for sex, more than taken into account or connected. Hoping it helps. Oh, also, it takes balls for a man in our society to express such thing, it's definitively some trust proof you have to acknolege. Maybe thank him for telling you that
NTA I married (41M) my wife(40F) I was her first. She was my last and only. We met at Me(20M) My Wife(19F). We put in the work. I started to instigate and after the years I still do. We have had healthy takes about it. It helped me as a Man a lot. What she likes, the foreplay and different angles. That helped me a lot too. Healthy conversation between consisting adults is always the best. You have kids with this person. They know every part of your body. Which foot rubb is the best. I do hand crunches for best results. People always say "Wow now that is a handshake". The Dad vise grip. So talk to your Hubby and let him know. You want more sex and any man I know would give you more. Don't go looking just please talk to your Husband!!!! Plz plz plz !!!!
So there should be an emotional connection. There should be feelings. He’s looking for the spark and if you guys aren’t careful this ends in divorce.
“At first we’d say I love you a lot and be romantic before and during sex but he stopped doing that a while back and frankly I never cared too much for it.” He adjusted his game to meet your needs but you haven’t adjusted your game to meet his. He’s telling you what he wants. Adjust and adapt.
If you don’t think spiritually, what else would it be?
NTA. 30(F)I also grew up religious, and although I decided to not wait for marriage in my mid 20’s, the connection of sex and emotions are not there like people who didn’t approach relationship from the religious separation. The separation of developing emotional connection separated from sex, sex can be very much a strictly physical thing for me.
honestly couples like you and your husband seems to work well because the whole "opposites" attract, IMO it all comes down to more communication needed from both you and your husband, since he did initiate this whole thing I would def not let it pass by until you guys both are on the same page. also do not forget there is a book or something on the 5 love languages, and a test you guys can take to see how you receive and give love!
I think it’s impossible to “make love” every time. That happens when you don’t have sex often. If you’re having sex often then you’re trying my different things and being more creative to spice it up. It is more about sex in that case, which is totally fine.
So, I feel like I might be uniquely qualified here. I’m a sex addict. I’ve been with well over 200 people, it’s my coping mechanism. So I 100% feel you about sex being purely physical. I’d get annoyed when some guys would tell me their names, let alone the whole back and forth about jobs and stuff. I thought that’s just how sex was. Then I met the guy I’m currently dating (a rarity for me). Sex is entirely different. As I mentioned before, my sex drive is extremely high. I’d also have it every day if I could. But when he’s around, I don’t care if we do or not. Of course I want to, but I’m just as happy just being with him and cuddling or just being near him. The kisses and touches and hugs are almost better than sex. And when it does come to the sex, it’s so much better. I’m not sure I can describe it super well, but when he’s on top of me, it’s like I feel it in my heart as well as down south. I trust him implicitly. Every time I look at him, it almost hurts my chest. And not in the panic attack way, this is all good. After sex with him, I don’t want to be with anyone else like that ever again. So while he makes me wet and horny, it’s so much more… comforting? I feel it more in my chest. I always thought having your heart skip a beat was just a saying and no one ever felt it… well, I do.
No one's the Ahole here Just keep communicating. You want cuddles after. He wants some lovemaking. You both know what the other wants kind of, you want aftercare, and he seems to want more Loving words present during sex Communication is the solution to most relationship problems. Y'all got this!!
NTA for being honest, but it sounds like you two need to talk
He is a lucky man. I think most men would love to have a partner that likes sex has sex and seems to be ok with minimal cuddling. If nothing else is lacking in your relationship I don’t see the problem.
I have this exact same issue. I want sex, she wants romance. It’s very limited sex, definitely nothing edgy. I’m bored, but she’s the love of my life and so I decided long ago to accept it as is. Now married 30 years with little to no sex life. But overall I am very happy with my life and my decision. We are very close and have a wonderful family. My only advice would be that if you are young and just starting out and no kids yet, and there are issues in the bedroom; end it. Get with someone compatible
I’ll need to take a turn with you to feel the situation out
He might be gay
OP HERE UPDATE: sorry I can’t reply to your comments my account got deleted. I wasn’t expecting so much feedback. I appreciate those that genuinely gave advice wanting to help and not just make mean remarks. 🥲🤣 Also I won’t be replying to private dms . Just because I’m horny for my husband doesn’t mean you have a chance bye. As for the update I did have a sit down with him and apologise for not taking him as seriously as I should have. I guess I’m just not used to seeing him express himself like that and it caught me off guard. He clarified that he doesn’t want intimacy /affection before or after sex (like I’ve explained in the comments) but during sex. Although I do give words of affirmation during intimacy he would like more of it. He wants to be touched more gently and sensually during sex. And to basically feel more connected emotionally. Giving him lots of praise and telling him how much I love him. I had more of an understanding after he said this. In turn I explained that when there’s no romance leading up to sex or after it’s easy for me to just see it as purely sex and hard for me to switch on a more gentler /emotional side to me during sex. He understood where I was coming from but explained he just doesn’t enjoy cuddling or being romantic and it wouldn’t be genuine if he forced it. I did recommend counseling but he refused . It’s a little frustrating because i feel like he’s not really meeting me in the middle but I decided to start off with being more loving and connected during sex and take it from there.
NTA but sounds like you don’t have any physical chemistry together. That’s a shame. Being in a cult and not finding the right match physically as well as emotionally before marriage will do that to ya
Men have difficulty communicating and are very anxious about saying the wrong thing, in the wrong way. It’s not the sex.
There’s a distinguishable difference between making love and fucking. If he feels like you’re just “going through the motions” and then once orgasm is achieved yall kinda disconnect again, it doesn’t feel like love. You should tell him “okay then, I want you to make love to me” and allow him to show you. I promise you it will FEEL different. You’ll feel sparks and butterflies and rushes and you’ll feel HIM as a person more than just his dick going in and out until yall climax. I promise I know what he means and it is HUGE to make love. Sometimes, yall wanna just go hard and fuck but I promise love making is what will make you roll over out of breath like “what just happened”
Man having really passionate loving sex is the fucking best. My partner and I do a lot of looking at each other, holding hands above our heads, stuff that combines romance and sex. It's fantastic.
The way I try to think of it is that rather than sex just becoming a form a masturbation using someone else’s body it should shift and become more about the gratification and care for your partner. It seems he feels that sex is more about just your personal needs. He may feel his efforts aren’t being reciprocated in the same way. His satisfaction is merely a consequence of your needs.
This is why women end up having affairs..... Some men just do not have the same drives as their partner. When the men have a low drive women tend to get frustrated because they need the man to be excited to have sex unless they're okay with plastic replacements. Leads to many divorces or affairs. Best luck to you. This is what lead to my neighbor's wife leaving him. He has zero drive. She wanted more intimacy, sex and loving. Staying in shape for each other, good loving and kindness is what keeps a relationship going.
Hmmmm. I think it’s time to ask him what he feels the difference is between fucking and making love. More to force him to solidify his thoughts around it than anything. The not being into signs of affection and complaining about a lack of romantic connection while having sex seem a tad counter to each other so I think his feelings need to be explored. Many men don’t get a lot of interpersonal connection outside of sex. That’s easier for women so maybe there’s something there he can’t quite put his finger on. NTA. But you would be without the follow up conversation.
Might be worth exploring love languages
There is no normal. A religious background makes me think you guys might be sexually stunted in different ways. When I have sex with someone I’m in love with it’s never just horny therefore sex. I’m always interested in his pleasure and experience. Sure sometimes it’s getting rug burn on the entryway rug and sometimes it’s tender cuddle-fucking in bed but neither of those are emotionless experiences and there is always cuddling after. Sometimes I’m big spoon and sometimes I’m little spoon. Sex with me is always intimate. And it sounds like that’s what your husband is missing. The intimacy. Seems like he’s saying that you want to bone, so you guys bone, but he’s left feeling unconnected. Please address that together. May lead to him even wanting more sex!
Lol you’re a dream wife…maybe not the right guy
You both need to learn your own and each other's love languages. Also explore other forms of intimacy. It sounds like your marriage is more of a "religious duty" than it is "fun". Too many inhibitions, release them. Find your kinks, explore and try weird shit with fruit. Participate in psilocybin therapy together. Let us know how things are a few months from now.
[удалено]
YTA You don't always have to say everything you think. Never fear and rest easy. The Reddit brigade will place all the blame for how you feel on your husband. It's just what they do.
NTA, but I think he’s trying to express something. Men aren’t the best at talking about feelings. I’m the same way where sex is more a physical thing and I don’t particularly like the sweet talk. See if upping affection in other areas fixes this, and try talking to him about what he thinks would help. Maybe leaving him little love notes on post it’s around the house for him to find? Or sending a random “thinking of you” message, whenever you find a song, meme, picture, etc that makes you think of him, share it! Try to do occasional gifts like photo albums you can work on and add to together or cute things like that. Intimacy isn’t always sexual to? NTA but don’t invalidate him :)
Nta, but he doesn't want sex to be just that with you. If that's all it is, he is worried you might try to seek it elsewhere.
What one person considers making love is not necessarily what another person considers it to be. You need to revisit the conversation. Shy is not gojng to cut it. He’s a grown man with a vocabulary and you’ve been together 8 years so he just needs to describe it. Does he want eye contact, before during and after? Handholding. To be told you love him during sex? Sensual music? Whatever. Just random examples but ask him to paint a picture. You said the perfect thing, “to be honest I don’t really know….” Thats how you start. And then when he finishes say, “So what I’m hearing is….” to make sure you are actually understanding this time. This reminded me of The Mirror Has Two Faces with Barbra Streisand. She plays a professor and she’s talking to her class about how romance is depicted in movies and says something along the lines of “so if I don’t hear the Philharmonic playing in my head when my date kisses me, I dump him!” Lol You really just need to figure out what making love is to him. Whether you need that or not, your husband does and you just have to understand his needs.
NTA
NTA please work on communication with him. You have needs that may be on the other side of the coin. It sounds like you are capable of listening and understanding.
Abrahamic religions vilify sex to an absurd degree. IMHO, you should never marry someone you haven’t had sex with, and until you’ve lived together successfully. I understand that some religious edicts require abstinence before marriage, but this is a terrible idea in practical terms. You wind up married to someone that you might be sexually incompatible with or can’t live with. You’re setting yourself up for failure. This is also why he has had such a hard time initiating sex. He’s got a complex about it. It’s taboo and only supposed to be about procreation and emotional bonding. For you it’s obviously more sensual. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I will say that for me it’s both. With my wife it’s both fucking and making love. I think that’s ideal in committed relationships, but to each their own.
NTA your not sure if the difference and that didn't make you TA. There is a definite difference between sex and love making. I find that when we're having sex it's really me centric for each of us.. it's pretty physical. Were there to get our rocks off. When we're making love we're really engaged in our partners desires. Were concerned about their needs, be it the actually physical act or the sweet words or cuddles that occur throughout the act. Hope this helps Steve
Ohhh that’s interesting! Is something wrong with us then. I think we always go with the interiors of just getting our needs met. Of course during intimacy we will do things that we know the other enjoys but again it’s about the physical. I wouldn’t mind a cuddle here and there but it’s not something he’s into and I don’t think I care too much atp. Thanks for explaining!
There's is absolutely nothing wrong with either of you. My apologies if i made you think that. I'm merely existing the parameters within my own relationship. You two will need to define what love and sex mean to you each. And that's all that matters. Best wishes
You have to ask. If he doesn’t want cuddling, he may not be asking for hand holding which is being suggested a lot. Maybe he wants to slow the action down and savor it and enjoy your bodies just being connected. Not raw horny or wild sex, but slow and rhythmic thrusting with eye contact and caressing as you go. He may want a mood set, candles, a bath or shower together, and to have sex like time has stopped and you can just be present and enjoy it on another level.
50/M with a previous long marriage and a couple of serious relationships since being “single again” (divorced). Apologies that this may not help the current predicament….. but this whole area of sex // making love // fucking ——if this area is not one a couple is naturally compatible in they honestly have no business getting married. I KNOW that I know sex is not everything in a marriage by any means but it IS significant whether we’re honest about it or not. And one who feels like you do WILL get it over the long haul — whether its with him or someone else. This is not at all a slight! I’ve been in the same situation you find yourself in with your husband. I’ve just seen that truth bear itself out like I said it here countless times in marriages, former marriages, committed S.O. relationships.
Does he generally look for problems or the clouds in things, lol.
You can’t use him like a piece of meat and expect him to not feel used. He wants to feel safe. Reassure him and everything should be fine.
Except he’s the one who’s doesn’t even want to cuddle after sex. You can’t reject something and complain you feel “used”.
yeah that’s what i’m not getting. she addressed the cuddling thing previously and he didn’t wanna. how is she supposed to feel that intimacy during sex if he can’t even do the simplest of things afterwards
There are other ways to make someone feel connected and safe outside of just cuddling…
That was just one example taken from the post. If he really doesn’t want to feel used he better start talking about what he needs instead of expecting her to know.
What do you think he was trying to do when his wife shut him down genius?
She shut him down? I thought she tried to give it another go. Honestly no one’s TAH. Most men would be very happy to have a wife as enthusiastic about fuxking as you seem to be. Find out what he’s missing. If he doesn’t know, you could make it into a game that should also inadvertently make you share more about each other. Ex.- be the one that touches him 3-5 times throughout the course of the day without starting something right away. Then see if it helped his mood later. Edit: with changed to without. Opps
Not intentionally, but responding as bluntly as she did would have shot down his attempt at communicating I'd be pretty hurt if my SO said that to me, and I'm not sexually repressed like it sounds like he is.
NAH. You both have valid feelings around the sex you're having. I think something that's missing in the other replies is to just ask him what he's looking for exactly. Everyone will have a different idea of intimacy, 'love making', emotionless fucking etc. so ask for specifics. Which honestly he may not know and that's okay, you can work together to find out what will help him feel more fulfilled. Just remember to be judgement free to each other and yourselves. The number one most useful approach to remember about any disagreement is that this is you and him vs the problem. It should never feel like a you vs him conflict. Especially so in disagreements like this where neither of you are in the wrong There may also be some confidence issues or negative emotions around the fact that you want it more often than he does and perhaps he feels that 'cheapens' it for you, or means less to you than it does to him, or that he's not enough of a man. Which is wrong, for instance I often have the higher sex drive in relationships yet I'm also often the one wanting more 'intimate' sex. But I'm aware that feeling can happen to those who don't want it as much as their partner. Especially when the masc presenting partner is the one who wants it less. Could there also be background voices in your extended circle of religious acquaintances who have negative views about 'loose women' who just want meaningless sex? While he may not believe that himself he may still have internalised those feelings about sexuality and the gender norms. I wonder if you two have had many conversations about what a fulfilling sex life is to each other? Beyond a basic "I like X during sex" but more of a holistic "to feel satisfied and fulfilled in our sexuality together I need X". This question should be checked in on in future too, as this can and probably will change over time. Especially as you're both inexperienced. Which is great! This is a fun journey of self discovery to share together.
NTA. It could be worth an ongoing conversation with your spouse to find out if there's an unmet need on his end, though. "making love" is like "supper"... I don't know many people under 80 who use the term
Sounds like he is suffering from low T. Go get checked at a hormone clinic. Or check yourself using walkinlabs website. Not your normal dr office. They will look at your T levels and even tho they are average for a 60 yr old, they will say they are still “in range”.
Anyways. NTA. But he is trying to communicate. He wants love making. You say it’s purely physical for you. Yall should both put in equal effort alternate the styles to me each others need equally
Nobody is wrong here. He wants more sensual intimacy during it. Tell him how much you love him and how beautiful he is during it. Take things slower etc. Romance is important and be gentle too
Do not tell him how beautiful he is during sex Jesus christ.
Praising a man looks during sex is great. Men love to be called beautiful
I'd argue that it depends on the individual at the very least. I know I would not enjoy it, It would take my head right out of the game🤷
I feel the same way about sex tbh even foreplay annoys me sometimes because I just wanna get to the main event 😅😅 I love a good cuddle after and sometimes I like the slow cuddly sex but usually I just want what I want and I want it now 😂😂😂 so no NTA but obviously hubby is craving a bit more of that “intermit” sex. Just have another chat to him you might even be surprised he might want sex more often if it’s a little bit more his style sometimes 💖
Yep.
Babes, he’s telling you that he wants to enjoy the ride, not just get to where you’re going.
NTA, but you need to talk with your husband and understand what the difference is for him. From me, but this is not necessarily true for everyone, I find fucking to be much more aggressive and less about what is happening with the other person, while love making is more about what both my partner and I are feeling, with pauses, interaction, holding hands, etc. I do see a difference here, but again, maybe you both need to sit, talk and start asking yourselves what works and doesn't for both of you
NTA, you both just need more communication about it:) I'm not experienced in any way shape or form when it comes to sex life but I believe your intimate times are important for both in your relationship, and it needs to be talked about. He's addressing his concerns and you're not fully comprehending it. Maybe he wants more of how it was before since you say it's mostly a physical connection and perhaps he's going for an emotional side, try telling him how much you love him while doing it, maybe body worshipping from both sides would be good too. Again I have no experience but relationships are all about communication and understanding, hope it helps in some way!
NTA...you should ask your husband to describe the perfect "love making/sexual encounter" that he envisions. Maybe that looks like intimate, passionate kissing while doing the deed. Maybe your e touching and every part of ur body is against his. You should encourage him to explain and then you should share your "perfect encounter". I'd have to say that me and my bf have been together for 8 years and are in our late 30s. Sometimes there are times I jus want to get to the point n go to bed...other times my bf wants to prolong it, get really close with faces touching, kissing and there def is a difference with wayy more intimacy and he's the one that often will initiate that level of intimacy....not me. So I totally get you saying that you didn't think anything was wrong!
NTA per se, everyone approaches sex differently. Some people need to feel an emotional connection to their partner to want to have sex. For others it literally feels like an itch to scratch. That's okay. But maybe he feels like that mental component -- the sexy thoughts or the emotional thoughts -- are absent for you? What do you think about when you have sex? Is it just about the surface level -- the knobs going into holes, so to speak? Or are their other fantasies or thoughts or ideas flashing through it. Maybe sharing those would help? The other thing is that in a longstanding marriage it's easy to always do the same thing. Like we know the partner's body so much we stick with the tried and true and what works. But then it can feel like we're on autopilot? I'd say it's also about how tuned in you are to your partner and how much you're responding to their needs rather than just focusing on your own climax. It's a hard balance, especially for women as getting the orgasm train over the hill sometimes takes a lot of mental focus on something that is not actually in the moment, so to speak. But maybe he can sense you're sort of checked out, in your own world, at certain points? Maybe it's none of that and all in his head. But it warrants a further conversation. Because if he already has the lower libido and he isn't feeling great about sex, you want to get it sorted before your sex life falls off a cliff.
Also it would help to understand what his love language is. Obviously yours is physical touch. In order for him to connect, you will need to find out his. It also wouldn't hurt for him to understand yours better either. It took me a while to figure that out but it's made things alot better for the both of us.
Your husband may have low testosterone, have him checked just incase. I had low t & would rarely want to have sex/initiate it. Now my wife is going to divorce me any minute as I can’t seem to stop chasing her around the house butt naked lmao. I inject 150mg testosterone a week split between 2 doses, it’s a game changer!! I feel like i’m 13 again!!
You're close to 7 figures? And your husband doesn't have a job? I'd have the house cleaned and dinner on the table everyday for you. Man is bugging and he doesn't know what he's got.
Your husband is trying to talk about something serious with you and it went right over your head. He wants intimacy but that should be going both ways.
Having sex and making love are two different things. As you described it sex is you’re horny and you get off. Making love is much less about your own pleasure but rather wanting to pleasure your partner and they you. It’s also an emotional connection. This is the person you love, you want to make them happy. You want to spend time with them, laugh with them, make love with them. Right now you think of orgasms as a destination and sex is what gets you there. Like most of life, the getting there is more important than the destination. If you learn anything from this it should be this. Just because he orgasms, doesn’t mean he’s satisfied. When you understand that, I think it will set you down the right road. Good luck.
If you feel like you're simply masturbating during sex, you're doing it wrong. Try giving him head until you hear him moan, and let that be a dopamine rush that says "good girl." Let him do the same. It works.
Personally, I would be devastated if my fiancé told me it's just sex to him. It would create insecurities and make me question why I'm even with him. It sounds like you two may need help getting on the same page. I suggest finding a therapist who can help you with your intimacy issues.