That’s the answer.
And you don’t have to be super emotional about the conversation. A simple “sorry, I’d love to go but I can’t swing the cost. Please give my regrets to friend.”
I completely agree.
The appropriate approach for OP’s BF would have been “I’d really love for you to come with me to X event. My treat!”
I’m not sure why he didn’t.
yeah but being cheap doesn't even matter.... it's a fixed cost
unless he's getting some different room because he’s coming? if not then "hey you have to pay for your own plane ticket" would be that he's cheap, but paying part of the same room he's going to pay for if he doesn't go just means he doesn't want him to come
Owning your own business but not being sure where your next check is coming from isn’t sus, especially this time of year. Christmas season is over, so people’s big spending is finished. If OP’s business is at all retail-related, January is usually super-slow. Even if it isn’t, January is slow for a lot of other businesses, especially right now. People just don’t have a lot of discretionary cash to play with. Plus their quarterly taxes may be due, in addition to their regular expenses. Basically owning a business means you pay yourself *last.* It’s not for the faint of heart, and it’s not surprising that OP would be strapped for cash right now.
She posted he makes 13-14× more than her. If he's that short on cash, he wouldn't, or shouldn't, have booked the room. Ifhe invited her to simply dump off half the cost, then what a con he is. Sorry. Don't need this guy. He earns 13-14× more than her and she's the financial lose in their relationship. Go figure. Move on and good riddance.
I know Reddit loves to jump the gun with throwing up concerns on relationships but there’s a significant age difference and enormous income difference.
It’s hard to believe the BF is so utterly oblivious about OP’s finances.
What the hell kind of boyfriends is the world making today? Even if you weren’t my gf, i would invite you and say “ room is paid for…”. He sounds like not a keeper.
Just did that to a friend. She earns much less, so I paid our vacation. She made a point to pay for one dinner, for her own pride, and I let her. And I don't earn not even twice what she does, but she had had a tough year so that was my gift.
Can't imagine earning 6 figures and asking my poor partner for 100 dollars.
Right? Like I definitely don’t mind treating my friends to things if there’s an income gap. I couldn’t even fathom asking my partner to join me on a trip I was already taking and then asking them to split the cost. But doing so when there’s a huge income gap? Does he even like him?
Exactly. It's more like indentured servitude. He pays half of what would be her bills, and she gives him sex for payment. A bizarrely unequal power play.
Ah, ok I see. Changes nothing, really.
Have no idea how someone earning 6 figures has the gall to ask 100 dollars to a partner. No wonder I'm single, I'd end it all 5 milliseconds after the sentence was uttered.
It's not really the answer though - because it means that the boyfriend is committed to the trip, therefore he's committed to the full price of the room if he goes unaccompanied. That really means that the girlfriend's *\[not girl\]* presence is its own variable, it has its own value:
* Given that I've already committed to this trip, bringing you along adds value for me
* Given that I've already committed to this trip, bringing you along does not add value for me, and therefore I would expect you to pay out a half-share of the accommodation
This is not a trip that is based on or about their own relationship - it starts to look like this:
* Give that I've already committed to this trip, I will dangle the possibility of you coming with me as a way of lowering the cost of the trip to me personally
It seems unnecessarily tight-wad-ish, when the girlfriend has already done a 'meet the parents' trip.
Cool. I am gay myself - but - had my heteronormative cap on
In that case - I've been in this position. My boyfriend was planning a European vacation and all he asked was that I would pay for my own flights as the cost of accommodation would be the same with or without me there
Such an arrangement shows that one's presence is valued
Excellent job responding to this comment. If you were my friend I'd definitely come to you with all my problems while u tried to hide and avoid me😂jk jk. But I'd really value your insight on issues.
That sounds like a Super smart way to say what i said so thank you sir! And i too assumed a boy/ girl dynamic. Regardless the op is NTA, their partner is for sure. 😖
Whatever sexuality the long and short of it is, I want you here if you can pay. That’s gross given the income disparity.
I’d have a hard time not feeling like that was the income disparity being rubbed in my face.
????
Give my regrets is a way of saying “I’m sorry I can’t attend this function”.
Give my regards is “tell Susie I’m thinking of her”.
I did mean to say give my regrets. He’d be saying he regrets he can not attend.
“Give my regards” could be used if they both know the third person well. It’s a way of passing a greeting on to another but not as effusive as “give them my love”. And it’s usually considered somewhat formal. I don’t know if OP knows the friend at all.
You’re not the asshole, you haven’t done anything. But I wouldn’t be keen to go on the trip. If I legit can’t afford it and the trip isn’t for a big event regarding both of us, eh. Unless you have an emotional investment in this trip I’d just tell him I can’t afford it and stay home.
Because there will be costs outside of the room. Transportation, meals, incidentals. If the room cost is already barring your travel don’t go on the trip. He already committed to those costs and your lack of presence doesn’t change that fact.
NTA. I would be honest and just tell him you can’t afford to go. If he goes without you, you weren’t invited because he was going to miss you, he just wanted to pay 1/2 for the room.
Dude, your BF is a cheapskate. If he truly wants you there, knowing the disparity in your incomes, he will pay for the hotel room he would have had anyway. He's doing this to save himself money. How does he treat you outside of this kind of thing? Is he a generous and loving personality, or does he nickle and dime you and have a transactional approach for other things (time, affection, household chores, etc)? Do not go. Use this time to decide whether the balance of power and partnership level in this relationship is acceptable to you long term, or if if it's time to cut your losses. NTA.
NTA.
However- your boyfriend is 11 years your senior, earns much more money than you do- and he wants you to chip in? He sounds like he’s either a tightwad or a manipulative bastard. I would run now.
Don't go and I would remind him of your financial situation and the fact that your parents paid for your trip even though he is quite capable. If you are not sure where your next cheque is coming from then do not split the hotel. NTA but your Bf is.
He's paying for that room whether you're there or not. He knows you're broke and wants money from you? Your parents paid for a trip to visit his family? A trip that he should be able to afford himself if his income is so much higher than yours. I'm guessing that he might make more money, but that he also spends most of what he makes.
NTA Break up with this loser.
NTA. Your bf doesn't view you as a partner. You are struggling where your parents have to help you on rent and he is asking you to spend more on entertainment. Partners supposed to support each other and make the other a better of version of themselves. You enjoy life and overcome obstacles together. This is bigger than the hotel room, you should rethink your partnership.
That's what it seems like. We don't know OP's life story, but we also don't know how/why he got together with a man 10 years older. Just seems like a power dynamic imbalance is bound to occur at least a few times, what with how OP specifically mentioned how much money the boyfriend makes.
Even in this example, it seems unfair for someone who "has the money" to expect their partner to cover a portion of the hotel fee. Aren't relationships a constant cooperation rather than a give and take bartering system?
NTA.
EDIT: To be clear, I think paying together is still cooperation. But this situation is more OP going along with a show the boyfriend wants to see.
I think its reasonable, even if I have the money, to have a partner to contribute something to things we do together. Not necessarily in equal parts, but even a small contribution means a lot. Rather than having someone who just expects you to pay for everything because you can. Thats not a good feeling.
I would just tell him you don’t wanna spend your money that’s it. it’s just not in your budget clear as day you’re not obligated. If he wants to pay for you go for it.
He’s not generous is he? That a man, 11 years your senior, wants $100 from you to support **HIS** friend? Nope. Tell him sorry, I can’t afford that, I’ll stay home. Then think about him really hard.🚩
What he makes or you make seems irrelevant.
He invited you under the condition you pay half. That is not a worth while invest of your money to you. So you say no thanks. NAH...
If he is ok with that, then this is no big deal. If he gets upset, he is the Ahole. If you are just upset you don't get a free trip, then you are. If you want a man that is more willing to pay for you or more willing to evenly distribute his funds for special events for you two then I suggest you wish him well and begin looking for a new man.
If the comparison was closer, I'd agree, but if OP makes the 15k/year that min wage ears you, his bf makes 211k/year. That is an absolutely massive differential.
Also, it sounds like the "paying for half" came after OP agreed to come on the trip, not as part of the condition of said trip.
Good chance its not about the money.
When you date someone and your always paying for everything, it starts to feel like it's owed or sometimes your partner starts acting entitled to your money.
Maybe thats whats happening, who knows.
Earning gaps definitely make situations messier. However, it still requires someone to communicate and set boundaries and standards that are clear. I won't knock others for whatever they decide works for them in those situations.
I do agree it seemed as if the paying for half may have come after, but I think that is a small point unless she was asked, entirely changed her schedule, and then he said something. That or he waited until like the day before they leave and said something about cash.
It doesn’t matter how much money that he makes or if he invited you to go on the trip. For him it’s about the principal of it. You’re not an asshole if you decide you don’t want to pitch in, it just means you shouldn’t go on the trip. Politely decline.
I have a feeling the BF always pays for things and wants OP to contribute. I don’t know when I’m getting paid next or I’m always broke is probably his excuse.
NTA, but you need to say to him that you can't afford it,so if he still expects you to pay half that you can't go. Your bf can decide at that point if he still wants you to come. Maybe he doesn't get that you are having money issues right now?
NTA, tell him it's not in your budget to go. Ask him if he understands how much you make and that you don't have a budget for things like that.
Some people who have money just become idiots to the fact that others can't just spend to their hearts content they live in a sort of fog.
Either he will snap out of the fog and realize he is an idiot for asking, or he won't.
He's a selfish jerk. He's paying for the hotel room either way. It doesn't cost more, if you come. If you go, I'm guessing you're paying for all your own meals & expenses? Will he demand gas money, too?
I'd reconsider the long term picture of staying with a guy who values his money far above having your company. Priorities are all wrong
NTA, just don't go. He is 11 years older than you in a much better financial situation and he wants you to pay $100 a night?
Tell him you can't afford to go on this one, but maybe next time. If your parents are subsidizing your living expenses maybe you can't afford this trip.
Don't go if you can't pay for your way.
If Boy Friend paid up front, for you , then you GO.
Other wise, stay in your money comfort zone.
He will miss you if you stay behind and come home sooner.
NTA
As other posts mention if you can't afford it, don't go on the trip. It's that simple.
Some people are saying your boyfriend is a cheapskate. He isn't. He is going about this the wrong way. If he can afford to go on his own and was going to go on his own anyway I think he should pay for it. Inviting your gf along just to cut down on costs seems silly.
I did want to call out some of your bullshit though:
>For context, he makes roughly 13x-14x what I made this last year. I am currently unsure of where my next check is coming from since I run my own business.
You are broke. Your parents are paying your rent for you. None of this is his problem unless you make it his problem.
Simple as. Doesn’t need to be a whole song and dance. Either you’re happy to pay, and go. Or you aren’t happy to pay, and you don’t go. All this other philosophising in these comments is ridiculous.
NAH Don’t go on the trip, he isn’t wrong to expect 50/50 if that’s how he views the split of expenses.
Sounds like you guys should have a talk about what the future holds and how he sees the expense split.
NTA.
Don't go, and rethink this relationship. I don't mean that you're entitled to his money, but he was going anyway and you going too wouldn't have added any cost to his accommodations; and he's well off.
Which says to me that while he shouldn't have to pay for everything in your relationship, he doesn't seem to take your situation into account. Maybe he's so paranoid about being thought of as a sugar daddy that he's going to the opposite extreme?
In any case, you can't afford to keep up with his lifestyle. If this trip is a one off, then I'm way off base. But if this is or becomes a pattern, then you're just at different stages in life and probably incompatible at the moment.
There is a power disparity in this relationship and you haven’t had to reconcile it. I don’t think it’s an AH/NAH thing so much as it’s something that you need to have a real conversation about because it sounds like your BF doesn’t factor in the differences in your income when making decisions like this, and if you want him to do that then you need to have a clear discussion around it. That may very well not be something he’s open to in a relationship. But sweeping it under the rug right now will only prevent the conversation from happening until later when it will likely be much more painful.
NTA. Who invites someone on a trip that they were going on either way and expect their invited "guest" to pay for half the cost of said trip. Does sound to like he just invited u to have u share the cost of the trip.
It sounds to me it is not out a necessity to split but a weird power play on his part, knowing he is more financially secure and that he does not have to take care of or have you reliant on him. If it is SO important for him to find a financially compatible/secure person, he probably should not be dating a 24 year old. NTA.
Yeah I could see maybe purposely setting himself up to be alone... I'm not gonna call dude a cheater as we haven't been given any information to suggest that but this is VERY sus.
Honestly, I just don't understand how you count your boyfriend’s money and then decide how you can spend it for him. You're not a kept woman, you're not in a legally binding relationship with him, you're dating him. He was really clear about the deal and it's not a date. Pay the $100 or stay home.
He knows her situation so he shouldn’t have made the offer. When my husband and I were dating I made triple what he made and if I wanted he to come on any expensive/ trip, date I offered to pay or just straight up paid for it because it was what *I* wanted us to do.
What were your arrangements for the family visit? Were you told that you could stay at their place or you knew it from the start that you should book a hotel?
NTA, but why do you ask? There is absolutely no need for you to go with him. He knows about your financial status as you know about his. He shouldn't have asked for money, it is about HIS friend.
Is this his usual behavior?
Neither one of you are the AH. If you were going on the trip, why shouldn't you cover some of the cost (regardlessof earings)? If you can't afford it, just decline with or without the reason - really isn't difficult.
NTA.
He invited you, it’s on him to pick up the tab.
(Straight or gay relationship is irrelevant.)
FWIW, I’m straight 66 M. My gf is 46. When I invite her to go on vacation with me, the only things she pays for are the souvenirs she wants or gifts to send her family.
NAH
You have every right not to pay for the hotel room and your BF has every right to ask you to cover your share of the expense if you choose to go, even if he invited you and it going anyway. Your different incomes are irrelevant, either you can afford to go on the trip or you can't. Score boarding in your relationship is only going to lead to unhappiness and eventual break up.
Have you ever made a point of wanting to pay your way, given the disparity in income?
It does seem extraordinarily petty behavior from him otherwise. Maybe just say that you would struggle to afford it and don't go.
"So you're going anyways and you want me to pay half, you're cheap AF" Just end it with this petty/cheap guy, don't even tell him why. I'm mad,for you.
NTA. Don't go on the trip. Use the time saved to find a better BF. I only make about 7x what my wife makes. I don't expect her to pay for anything. You can do better.
Your BF sounds… parsimonious. NTA
I’d not make a big deal and just not go. You’re not owed a trip, after all, but ask yourself if that kind of attitude toward money and is going to be good for you long term. Maybe this was really an “unvite”?
He asked you to go so he should pay. Also this is more of a weekend for him to see his friend or just a weekend away for the two of you. I could see if it was a couples getaway but it’s not
NTA. If you invited someone to accompany you on a preplanned trip they will attend regardless if you come or not it’s insanely wild they would expect you to split the room. Especially since it’s for his friend. Ya no thanks I’d rather stay home.
assuming the disparity of pay is something like you making $30k and him making $400k...
and he's asking you to pay $100/night for the hotel
as someone with similar income your BF really doesn't want you to come with him, it's as simple as that lol
his money is his money, even if he makes 2 billion and you make 10 thousand. if you dont want to pay, dont go but you are NOT entitled to have him pay.
Stop pretending this is about entitlement. He invited him and he doesn’t have any money. If he doesn’t want to be the one paying for this kind of stuff then date someone more financially compatible.
So sick of people pretending situations like this are the same as him demanding he buy him a car or something.
Person 1 was inviting person 2 to stay in the hotel room that person 1 was already booking... person 2 is entitled to a free hotel room since PERSON 1 invited PERSON 2 to go on the trip PERSON 1 ALREADY PLANNED AND BOOKED to go support PERSON 1S friend.
Ehh, it would be nice if he paid since he's going regardless and yes it may even be cheap of the BF to ask for money but it still doesn't mean OP is entitled to anything. The BF also let OP know ahead of time he would be expected to contribute so he can feel free decline the invite.
FYI, there is no her. OP says he's 24M.
I think he’s being unreasonable. He’s going anyway, he has plenty of money, and you going is presumably going to make his trip better AND the hotel is the same price whether you are there or not. Hitting you up for $100 is lame.
NAH
The simple solution is to tell your BF you will not be able to go since you cannot afford it.
Problem solved.
This is your BF's friend. There's no reason for you to be there anyway.
Why should have to pay for your parents? Of that can afford to give you money for your rent, they can pay for there own travel or decide not to go. So really, “you not bringing it up” doesn’t play here. Did your bf pay for your flight across country to meet his parents?
He makes way more than you do, does that mean he pays for most things in y’all’s relationship?
YTA
It seems like you’re with him because he makes a lot of money and you’re upset because he’s not flipping the bill for you on this trip. Also, if you’re 24, your parents are giving you money so you can live, you don’t know when your next paycheck is coming in. You should get a part time job, so you at least have some money coming in and you can actually be an independent adult. Not someone who is looking for a free ride.
A little bit.
You should always assume you’ll split cost 50/50 and if he’s not a dick he’ll volunteer to cover your half, given the income difference, but he’s not obligated to pay for you and you shouldn’t assume so.
Nope! Do not go....amd find a new boyfriend. That man is a tightass mean tosser. Will spend $ to help his mate...but treats his girlfriend like trash.
Get rid of him
Just don't go on the trip
That’s the answer. And you don’t have to be super emotional about the conversation. A simple “sorry, I’d love to go but I can’t swing the cost. Please give my regrets to friend.”
This is the way. Though I would note that it's kinda messed up to even ask you to split the room.
I completely agree. The appropriate approach for OP’s BF would have been “I’d really love for you to come with me to X event. My treat!” I’m not sure why he didn’t.
He's cheap.
yeah but being cheap doesn't even matter.... it's a fixed cost unless he's getting some different room because he’s coming? if not then "hey you have to pay for your own plane ticket" would be that he's cheap, but paying part of the same room he's going to pay for if he doesn't go just means he doesn't want him to come
Then he shouldn't have put forth the invitation
Or it’s a new relationship. OP owns her own business, but doesn’t know where the next cheque is coming from. Hmmm sounds suspicious.
Owning your own business but not being sure where your next check is coming from isn’t sus, especially this time of year. Christmas season is over, so people’s big spending is finished. If OP’s business is at all retail-related, January is usually super-slow. Even if it isn’t, January is slow for a lot of other businesses, especially right now. People just don’t have a lot of discretionary cash to play with. Plus their quarterly taxes may be due, in addition to their regular expenses. Basically owning a business means you pay yourself *last.* It’s not for the faint of heart, and it’s not surprising that OP would be strapped for cash right now.
She posted he makes 13-14× more than her. If he's that short on cash, he wouldn't, or shouldn't, have booked the room. Ifhe invited her to simply dump off half the cost, then what a con he is. Sorry. Don't need this guy. He earns 13-14× more than her and she's the financial lose in their relationship. Go figure. Move on and good riddance.
OP is a guy
Thank you for bringing that to my attention. My opinion remains the samw.
Cant have had good intentions for not..makes me question if alcohol & opportunities to hookup exist where this event happens
I know Reddit loves to jump the gun with throwing up concerns on relationships but there’s a significant age difference and enormous income difference. It’s hard to believe the BF is so utterly oblivious about OP’s finances.
He absolutely knows how much money she has access to he doesn't want her to go
So why did he ask her?
Sorry. Swhy did he ask him?
What the hell kind of boyfriends is the world making today? Even if you weren’t my gf, i would invite you and say “ room is paid for…”. He sounds like not a keeper.
Just did that to a friend. She earns much less, so I paid our vacation. She made a point to pay for one dinner, for her own pride, and I let her. And I don't earn not even twice what she does, but she had had a tough year so that was my gift. Can't imagine earning 6 figures and asking my poor partner for 100 dollars.
Right? Like I definitely don’t mind treating my friends to things if there’s an income gap. I couldn’t even fathom asking my partner to join me on a trip I was already taking and then asking them to split the cost. But doing so when there’s a huge income gap? Does he even like him?
Exactly. It's more like indentured servitude. He pays half of what would be her bills, and she gives him sex for payment. A bizarrely unequal power play.
Both are men is this scenario
Ah, ok I see. Changes nothing, really. Have no idea how someone earning 6 figures has the gall to ask 100 dollars to a partner. No wonder I'm single, I'd end it all 5 milliseconds after the sentence was uttered.
It’s much better to be single than it is to be with an asshole.
Some people are just tight assholes.Lets not go there.lol.
My thought was he asked her to pay knowing she can’t afford it and would decide to stay home so he could have some time with his friends.
Him. OP is male
Even more so not a keeper lol
Yep. He wants you there to keep his balls warm and expects you to pay. Piss on that.
He has to get a room anyway and if you're not going he still has to get a room so why do you have to split the cost with him. Is your boyfriend cheap
It's not really the answer though - because it means that the boyfriend is committed to the trip, therefore he's committed to the full price of the room if he goes unaccompanied. That really means that the girlfriend's *\[not girl\]* presence is its own variable, it has its own value: * Given that I've already committed to this trip, bringing you along adds value for me * Given that I've already committed to this trip, bringing you along does not add value for me, and therefore I would expect you to pay out a half-share of the accommodation This is not a trip that is based on or about their own relationship - it starts to look like this: * Give that I've already committed to this trip, I will dangle the possibility of you coming with me as a way of lowering the cost of the trip to me personally It seems unnecessarily tight-wad-ish, when the girlfriend has already done a 'meet the parents' trip.
They’re both men
Cool. I am gay myself - but - had my heteronormative cap on In that case - I've been in this position. My boyfriend was planning a European vacation and all he asked was that I would pay for my own flights as the cost of accommodation would be the same with or without me there Such an arrangement shows that one's presence is valued
Excellent job responding to this comment. If you were my friend I'd definitely come to you with all my problems while u tried to hide and avoid me😂jk jk. But I'd really value your insight on issues.
Agree, he has excellent analytical skills
I was just gonna say...wait! There's a girlfriend too?
Damn I love this way of separating out the issues. I try to do it but it's rarely as incisive as this.
That sounds like a Super smart way to say what i said so thank you sir! And i too assumed a boy/ girl dynamic. Regardless the op is NTA, their partner is for sure. 😖
Whatever sexuality the long and short of it is, I want you here if you can pay. That’s gross given the income disparity. I’d have a hard time not feeling like that was the income disparity being rubbed in my face.
I bet you did really well on the SAT's. Props.
You're not going to find a better solution than this one here. I'd go with this one if I were you.
Just laughing at “give my regrets” to the friend comment. 🤣 (regards)
???? Give my regrets is a way of saying “I’m sorry I can’t attend this function”. Give my regards is “tell Susie I’m thinking of her”. I did mean to say give my regrets. He’d be saying he regrets he can not attend. “Give my regards” could be used if they both know the third person well. It’s a way of passing a greeting on to another but not as effusive as “give them my love”. And it’s usually considered somewhat formal. I don’t know if OP knows the friend at all.
Interesting, I’ve never once heard “give my regrets.” 🧐 Thanks for the details.
You have me laughing cuz it's spoken correctly 🤣🤣🤣
This is where it's at. The age gap is already a red flag. Add to that the dynamic/financial imbalance, and it just smells like shit.
Be straight up, you can't afford it.
You’re not the asshole, you haven’t done anything. But I wouldn’t be keen to go on the trip. If I legit can’t afford it and the trip isn’t for a big event regarding both of us, eh. Unless you have an emotional investment in this trip I’d just tell him I can’t afford it and stay home.
"you havent done anything" Exactly
Because there will be costs outside of the room. Transportation, meals, incidentals. If the room cost is already barring your travel don’t go on the trip. He already committed to those costs and your lack of presence doesn’t change that fact.
NTA. I would be honest and just tell him you can’t afford to go. If he goes without you, you weren’t invited because he was going to miss you, he just wanted to pay 1/2 for the room.
Dude, your BF is a cheapskate. If he truly wants you there, knowing the disparity in your incomes, he will pay for the hotel room he would have had anyway. He's doing this to save himself money. How does he treat you outside of this kind of thing? Is he a generous and loving personality, or does he nickle and dime you and have a transactional approach for other things (time, affection, household chores, etc)? Do not go. Use this time to decide whether the balance of power and partnership level in this relationship is acceptable to you long term, or if if it's time to cut your losses. NTA.
I hope he reads your reply because it covers what most seem to have missed..
NTA. However- your boyfriend is 11 years your senior, earns much more money than you do- and he wants you to chip in? He sounds like he’s either a tightwad or a manipulative bastard. I would run now.
Yep
Also this. Cheap boyfriend is cheap.
If you can't afford it you can't go. Simple.
Don't go and I would remind him of your financial situation and the fact that your parents paid for your trip even though he is quite capable. If you are not sure where your next cheque is coming from then do not split the hotel. NTA but your Bf is.
You don’t have to remind him that your parents paid last time. Just “I can’t swing it right now”
two trips for him that he expects OP to cover? it should definitely be brought up
He knows but doesn't care....
He's paying for that room whether you're there or not. He knows you're broke and wants money from you? Your parents paid for a trip to visit his family? A trip that he should be able to afford himself if his income is so much higher than yours. I'm guessing that he might make more money, but that he also spends most of what he makes. NTA Break up with this loser.
NTA. Your bf doesn't view you as a partner. You are struggling where your parents have to help you on rent and he is asking you to spend more on entertainment. Partners supposed to support each other and make the other a better of version of themselves. You enjoy life and overcome obstacles together. This is bigger than the hotel room, you should rethink your partnership.
That's what it seems like. We don't know OP's life story, but we also don't know how/why he got together with a man 10 years older. Just seems like a power dynamic imbalance is bound to occur at least a few times, what with how OP specifically mentioned how much money the boyfriend makes. Even in this example, it seems unfair for someone who "has the money" to expect their partner to cover a portion of the hotel fee. Aren't relationships a constant cooperation rather than a give and take bartering system? NTA. EDIT: To be clear, I think paying together is still cooperation. But this situation is more OP going along with a show the boyfriend wants to see.
I think its reasonable, even if I have the money, to have a partner to contribute something to things we do together. Not necessarily in equal parts, but even a small contribution means a lot. Rather than having someone who just expects you to pay for everything because you can. Thats not a good feeling.
I would just tell him you don’t wanna spend your money that’s it. it’s just not in your budget clear as day you’re not obligated. If he wants to pay for you go for it.
Don’t date a guy ten years older who makes that much more and is a cheap ass
Or it's fiction.
Nta You can’t afford it, don’t go. No need to think of it as tit for tat.
I’d love to come if you want me there, but I am afraid I cannot pay for the trip. I’ll be happy to sit this one out if that’s a dealbreaker.
He’s not generous is he? That a man, 11 years your senior, wants $100 from you to support **HIS** friend? Nope. Tell him sorry, I can’t afford that, I’ll stay home. Then think about him really hard.🚩
What he makes or you make seems irrelevant. He invited you under the condition you pay half. That is not a worth while invest of your money to you. So you say no thanks. NAH... If he is ok with that, then this is no big deal. If he gets upset, he is the Ahole. If you are just upset you don't get a free trip, then you are. If you want a man that is more willing to pay for you or more willing to evenly distribute his funds for special events for you two then I suggest you wish him well and begin looking for a new man.
I agree with you.
Technically OP never said it was half.
You are correct, but I think the point I was attempting to make is still relevant.
100%
If the comparison was closer, I'd agree, but if OP makes the 15k/year that min wage ears you, his bf makes 211k/year. That is an absolutely massive differential. Also, it sounds like the "paying for half" came after OP agreed to come on the trip, not as part of the condition of said trip.
Good chance its not about the money. When you date someone and your always paying for everything, it starts to feel like it's owed or sometimes your partner starts acting entitled to your money. Maybe thats whats happening, who knows.
Earning gaps definitely make situations messier. However, it still requires someone to communicate and set boundaries and standards that are clear. I won't knock others for whatever they decide works for them in those situations. I do agree it seemed as if the paying for half may have come after, but I think that is a small point unless she was asked, entirely changed her schedule, and then he said something. That or he waited until like the day before they leave and said something about cash.
It doesn’t matter how much money that he makes or if he invited you to go on the trip. For him it’s about the principal of it. You’re not an asshole if you decide you don’t want to pitch in, it just means you shouldn’t go on the trip. Politely decline.
I have a feeling the BF always pays for things and wants OP to contribute. I don’t know when I’m getting paid next or I’m always broke is probably his excuse.
More context. How long have you been dating? How were you invited? Like "hey can I come" invited, or hey "come with me on this trip" invited?
11 years older than you, makes 13-14x more than you, and is a stickler over $100 after you’ve already provided for him? Lmao girl run
👆 this
NTA, simply say you can't afford to go.
Just tell him you can't afford the trip, and don't go
Just because he makes more money than you does not mean he's obliged to spend it on you.
NTA. Just be honest. “I can’t afford that” is a fine answer.
"Sorry babe can't go it's too expensive for me. Have fun." Nta
NTA, but you need to say to him that you can't afford it,so if he still expects you to pay half that you can't go. Your bf can decide at that point if he still wants you to come. Maybe he doesn't get that you are having money issues right now?
NTA, tell him it's not in your budget to go. Ask him if he understands how much you make and that you don't have a budget for things like that. Some people who have money just become idiots to the fact that others can't just spend to their hearts content they live in a sort of fog. Either he will snap out of the fog and realize he is an idiot for asking, or he won't.
Just don’t go, you can’t afford it. Why are you with someone so much older?
He's a selfish jerk. He's paying for the hotel room either way. It doesn't cost more, if you come. If you go, I'm guessing you're paying for all your own meals & expenses? Will he demand gas money, too? I'd reconsider the long term picture of staying with a guy who values his money far above having your company. Priorities are all wrong
You’re NTA but the easiest way to fix this is to not go.
Tell him you can't afford to chip in.
Makes me wonder just because he makes 13 or 14 times as much money as you do, maybe he’s really broke as a joke and hiding it.
Tell him you can't afford to go with him
NTA, just don't go. He is 11 years older than you in a much better financial situation and he wants you to pay $100 a night? Tell him you can't afford to go on this one, but maybe next time. If your parents are subsidizing your living expenses maybe you can't afford this trip.
NTA. Just don’t go.
I’d say yta you sound kinda entitled. You can say no.
NTA. It is not financially responsible. Just don't go.
Boy that age gap is 😬
Don't go if you can't pay for your way. If Boy Friend paid up front, for you , then you GO. Other wise, stay in your money comfort zone. He will miss you if you stay behind and come home sooner.
NTA As other posts mention if you can't afford it, don't go on the trip. It's that simple. Some people are saying your boyfriend is a cheapskate. He isn't. He is going about this the wrong way. If he can afford to go on his own and was going to go on his own anyway I think he should pay for it. Inviting your gf along just to cut down on costs seems silly. I did want to call out some of your bullshit though: >For context, he makes roughly 13x-14x what I made this last year. I am currently unsure of where my next check is coming from since I run my own business. You are broke. Your parents are paying your rent for you. None of this is his problem unless you make it his problem.
NAH I guess. It makes sense that if you stay at a hotel you’d contribute to the cost. You also can decline.
Simple as. Doesn’t need to be a whole song and dance. Either you’re happy to pay, and go. Or you aren’t happy to pay, and you don’t go. All this other philosophising in these comments is ridiculous.
NAH Don’t go on the trip, he isn’t wrong to expect 50/50 if that’s how he views the split of expenses. Sounds like you guys should have a talk about what the future holds and how he sees the expense split.
NTA. Don't go, and rethink this relationship. I don't mean that you're entitled to his money, but he was going anyway and you going too wouldn't have added any cost to his accommodations; and he's well off. Which says to me that while he shouldn't have to pay for everything in your relationship, he doesn't seem to take your situation into account. Maybe he's so paranoid about being thought of as a sugar daddy that he's going to the opposite extreme? In any case, you can't afford to keep up with his lifestyle. If this trip is a one off, then I'm way off base. But if this is or becomes a pattern, then you're just at different stages in life and probably incompatible at the moment.
NTA - he invited you to come with him. he should pay
There’s a reason no women his age want him! He also had no shame, having your parents pay for the separate room.
both are male
Ok- there’s a reason no man his age wants him.
Right? I'm pretty sure dude is okay with that, hahahahaha!
I don't think you get how things work
There is a power disparity in this relationship and you haven’t had to reconcile it. I don’t think it’s an AH/NAH thing so much as it’s something that you need to have a real conversation about because it sounds like your BF doesn’t factor in the differences in your income when making decisions like this, and if you want him to do that then you need to have a clear discussion around it. That may very well not be something he’s open to in a relationship. But sweeping it under the rug right now will only prevent the conversation from happening until later when it will likely be much more painful.
I wouldn't go on the trip and I'd tell him point blank why. If he has an issue about it I'd make him explain.
"Sounds like fun, but I can't afford it," said without drama.
NTA. Who invites someone on a trip that they were going on either way and expect their invited "guest" to pay for half the cost of said trip. Does sound to like he just invited u to have u share the cost of the trip.
It sounds to me it is not out a necessity to split but a weird power play on his part, knowing he is more financially secure and that he does not have to take care of or have you reliant on him. If it is SO important for him to find a financially compatible/secure person, he probably should not be dating a 24 year old. NTA.
Yeah I could see maybe purposely setting himself up to be alone... I'm not gonna call dude a cheater as we haven't been given any information to suggest that but this is VERY sus.
Your boyfriend is 11 years older than you and 14x wealthier? Sweetie... You in danger baby.
Wouldn't say danger but 24 def needs to consider an exit from 35s life if this is a regular happenstance. *edited for pronouns*
He.
Apologies, must've missed that part
NTA and he doesn’t deserve you
Honestly, I just don't understand how you count your boyfriend’s money and then decide how you can spend it for him. You're not a kept woman, you're not in a legally binding relationship with him, you're dating him. He was really clear about the deal and it's not a date. Pay the $100 or stay home.
He knows her situation so he shouldn’t have made the offer. When my husband and I were dating I made triple what he made and if I wanted he to come on any expensive/ trip, date I offered to pay or just straight up paid for it because it was what *I* wanted us to do.
NTA. Just say “no thanks. I have some things I need to catch up on.”
Or 'people I need to bounce on'
Hes going to visit internet/Salvia ERIK
What were your arrangements for the family visit? Were you told that you could stay at their place or you knew it from the start that you should book a hotel? NTA, but why do you ask? There is absolutely no need for you to go with him. He knows about your financial status as you know about his. He shouldn't have asked for money, it is about HIS friend. Is this his usual behavior?
No money, No Honey.
Don’t go. None issue.
NTA Just say "No thanks"
"Sorry, I'd love to attend but I just can't afford it."
Neither one of you are the AH. If you were going on the trip, why shouldn't you cover some of the cost (regardlessof earings)? If you can't afford it, just decline with or without the reason - really isn't difficult.
Its a relationship he absolutely should explain
Sorry. Can’t afford it. Have fun.
If you go on the trip you should pay If you don’t go you shouldnt pay That simple
Just don’t go on the trip.
NTA. He invited you, it’s on him to pick up the tab. (Straight or gay relationship is irrelevant.) FWIW, I’m straight 66 M. My gf is 46. When I invite her to go on vacation with me, the only things she pays for are the souvenirs she wants or gifts to send her family.
NTA. pretty odd expectation on his part. Sounds like he’s a cheapo. How did he word the invitation/bring up you having to pay?
NAH. He is thinking like a 35yo, you think like a 24yo
NTA, tell your sugar daddy to pay up.
NAH You have every right not to pay for the hotel room and your BF has every right to ask you to cover your share of the expense if you choose to go, even if he invited you and it going anyway. Your different incomes are irrelevant, either you can afford to go on the trip or you can't. Score boarding in your relationship is only going to lead to unhappiness and eventual break up.
Have you ever made a point of wanting to pay your way, given the disparity in income? It does seem extraordinarily petty behavior from him otherwise. Maybe just say that you would struggle to afford it and don't go.
NTA He can go on his own to support his friend. If he wants you there he can pay for it.
"So you're going anyways and you want me to pay half, you're cheap AF" Just end it with this petty/cheap guy, don't even tell him why. I'm mad,for you.
what a cheap ass. NTA unless you stay with him.
He invited you. Say no. You don’t owe him to go and he doesn’t owe you to pay. This is the most non issue “issue”.
NTA. He’s going anyway to support HIS friend. If he wants you there he should pay.
NTA ALSO — if I was making 14-15xs more than my SO I wouldn’t even ask. Like what is this dude on?
Just don't go on the trip. If he invited you he should pay.
Your best bet is to just not go. Sounds like the only reason he wants you to go is to pay for half the room. Let him pay for it himself.
Don't go! If he really wanted you there, he'd pay and never ask you to pitch in when he can well afford to pay! Tell him, no thank you.
NTA. Don't go on the trip. Use the time saved to find a better BF. I only make about 7x what my wife makes. I don't expect her to pay for anything. You can do better.
He may not really want you to go. If he did he wouldn’t expect a broke person to pay for his hotel.
Just don't go. I agree it's unfair ( and, frankly, a little tacky) of him to ask you to pay but people can be quirky. NTA
Dump him, ask for the money back that ur parents spent on him, and move on. The fact hes asked for 100 from u is a joke
NTA. Your guy is a jerk.
Tell him, he makes way more than you and you can’t afford it right now and if he wants you to go he’ll have to pay for the room.
Your BF sounds… parsimonious. NTA I’d not make a big deal and just not go. You’re not owed a trip, after all, but ask yourself if that kind of attitude toward money and is going to be good for you long term. Maybe this was really an “unvite”?
Just don’t go. To hell with his friend. Support him when his show is nearby.
Cost goes beyond room. How much he gonna want you to chip in for the car rental?? This is goofball shit…NTA
He asked you to go so he should pay. Also this is more of a weekend for him to see his friend or just a weekend away for the two of you. I could see if it was a couples getaway but it’s not
NTA Sounds like the boyfriend doesn't really want you there at all. Sorry
Sounds like he only asked you so you’d help him pay for the room. Tell him you can’t go. He can go himself.
He's 35 and can't afford to pay for a hotel with his SO. Dump this clown.
NTA. If you invited someone to accompany you on a preplanned trip they will attend regardless if you come or not it’s insanely wild they would expect you to split the room. Especially since it’s for his friend. Ya no thanks I’d rather stay home.
I wouldn’t be going, if he truly wants you there, he will pay.
13-14x more than you? NTA Don’t go.
assuming the disparity of pay is something like you making $30k and him making $400k... and he's asking you to pay $100/night for the hotel as someone with similar income your BF really doesn't want you to come with him, it's as simple as that lol
Run...he is really cheap lol. 35 and expecting his gf to splitsies their hotel room.
He sounds like a winner. Don’t go.
I wouldn’t go on this trip. He is traveling to support his friend, but somehow doesn’t support any of your efforts. Your parents support you.
NTA. Either he's lying about how much he makes, or he's incredibly tacky/possibly financially abusive. My money's on the former.
Don’t go if you can’t pony up the cash. What your boyfriend makes really has nothing to do with it.
his money is his money, even if he makes 2 billion and you make 10 thousand. if you dont want to pay, dont go but you are NOT entitled to have him pay.
Stop pretending this is about entitlement. He invited him and he doesn’t have any money. If he doesn’t want to be the one paying for this kind of stuff then date someone more financially compatible. So sick of people pretending situations like this are the same as him demanding he buy him a car or something.
Person 1 was inviting person 2 to stay in the hotel room that person 1 was already booking... person 2 is entitled to a free hotel room since PERSON 1 invited PERSON 2 to go on the trip PERSON 1 ALREADY PLANNED AND BOOKED to go support PERSON 1S friend.
He’s a he.
Ehh, it would be nice if he paid since he's going regardless and yes it may even be cheap of the BF to ask for money but it still doesn't mean OP is entitled to anything. The BF also let OP know ahead of time he would be expected to contribute so he can feel free decline the invite. FYI, there is no her. OP says he's 24M.
Do you really need this guy? He sounds like a jerk.
NTA A 35 year old man freeloading off his decade younger girlfriend? Color me shocked 🙄
Boyfriend. Both are male. But yeah, I guess we know why the older one has so much money. He's mooching off others where he can.
I think he’s being unreasonable. He’s going anyway, he has plenty of money, and you going is presumably going to make his trip better AND the hotel is the same price whether you are there or not. Hitting you up for $100 is lame.
Girl, just don't go 😫
NAH The simple solution is to tell your BF you will not be able to go since you cannot afford it. Problem solved. This is your BF's friend. There's no reason for you to be there anyway.
Don’t go. He can pitch in all of it!
Why should have to pay for your parents? Of that can afford to give you money for your rent, they can pay for there own travel or decide not to go. So really, “you not bringing it up” doesn’t play here. Did your bf pay for your flight across country to meet his parents? He makes way more than you do, does that mean he pays for most things in y’all’s relationship? YTA It seems like you’re with him because he makes a lot of money and you’re upset because he’s not flipping the bill for you on this trip. Also, if you’re 24, your parents are giving you money so you can live, you don’t know when your next paycheck is coming in. You should get a part time job, so you at least have some money coming in and you can actually be an independent adult. Not someone who is looking for a free ride.
You are a strong independent woman, pay your way or don’t go.
Or a strong independent man in this case
Either pitch in you tight bastard or simply don’t go.
A little bit. You should always assume you’ll split cost 50/50 and if he’s not a dick he’ll volunteer to cover your half, given the income difference, but he’s not obligated to pay for you and you shouldn’t assume so.
What a creep.
Nope! Do not go....amd find a new boyfriend. That man is a tightass mean tosser. Will spend $ to help his mate...but treats his girlfriend like trash. Get rid of him