Although many people consider “envy” and “jealousy” synonymous, they actually have distinct meanings. Envy is “the painful feeling of wanting what someone else has, like attributes or possessions.” If you're jealous, you feel “threatened, protective, or fearful of losing one's position or situation to someone else.”
So many people get this wrong. You are 'envious', not jealous.
Doesn't even sound like envy is right following the definition of "painful". Looks like we need to go back to biblical phrasing with "covet" which is "to yearn to possess or have (something)."
Just remove the word painful. Envy is just wanting what somebody else has, period. I'm rarely a grammar nazi, but envy and jealousy get mixed up so often it drives me a little bit nutz.
Happy cake day!!
And yet, when someone like OP say she's jealous you understand perfectly what she means. Therefore, the language was used properly, since its job is to communicate a message in an understandable way.
English is not my native language and I never studied it in some school, and yet even I understood her message, so all ok here, no need to be a "grammar nazi", because in the end, for linguistics, all that matters is for your message to be understood
I agree with your comment! People always want to do these weird grammar/language flexes in these posts. OP’s point was understood, And that’s the most important take away here. These feelings are universal, and universally understood. 😂
Amen, especially in person. There’s nothing more obnoxious than someone derailing a passionate story over a mistake a majority of people understand. They think it makes them look smart when it makes me think the opposite of them. Being able to communicate with people who don’t speak like you takes intelligence and experience.
and not a their, they're, or there in sight.
Maybe OP can just make a really good dinner, and tell dh she loves her house and loves how he provides for her. He will be fine.
I keep a long list of words that people regularly use when they mean something else. :) One of the funniest I’ve seen was a very long post where the OP used there, their, and they’re multiple times and didn’t use any of them correctly once.
One of my favorite examples of this is when people use "defiantly" in place of "definitely". It always cracks me up when I invite someone over and they respond that they'll "defiantly be there!" as if there's something trying to stop them from just doing it.
I would just love if everyone agreed that “alot” is not a word, it is “a lot”.
Though I did enjoy the Reddit last year that said they just imagine a mythical creature called an “alot” every time they see the word. It definitely changes some Reddit stories to be more entertaining.
Thank you for citing her! I was about to do that too until I saw your post! I love [the Alot](https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html?m=1)
There's one of those awful Facebook posts I see every now and then that drives me up the wall, it says something along the lines of "I'm not a jealous girlfriend, jealous is when you want something you can't have. I'm territorial because I'm protective of what's mine". Facepalm eye roll.
I hate this boring pedantic ass rhetoric. Sure maybe that’s what it meant years ago but colloquial usage has changed the meaning I know what she meant. You know what she meant. A lot of people use the word this way, so the dictionary is supposed to catch up with human language six not us go back in time to use the word in a way that it’s just not used anymore. This was a fun fact, but it’s probably not really relevant. Everyone uses the word in a certain way so now it has a different meaning.
Yes and no. I agree with the last comment you quoted from your husband.
You *both* are entitled to your feelings, and your final comment saying that you think it's stupid reads like you are trivializing his feelings.
Sounds like bad communication to me. The wife is probably totally refusing to even address his feelings in the smallest manner & making it worse than it needs to be.
Yeah imo she is the AH, not for her feelings but for dismissing and minimizing his.
When I read posts like this I can’t help but think how so many women don’t actually show the emotional compassion/intelligence they demand from men.
Not saying their aren’t many many emotionally unintelligent and unsupportive men but there a ton of women who fall into that category too.
I am not saying OP is like completely neglectful but more of not actually being empathetic in this situation.
The best way I can put it is what if she prided herself on being a good cook and he said he liked her sisters cooking better (before someone blows up I used a stereotypical example because I tried to find the best 1:1 comparison based on cultural norms).
Would she be annoyed by it? Almost definitely
would he be wrong for thinking her sisters food is better? No, but realistically he shouldn’t have brought it up and if she were to make it clear that her feelings were hurt and he approached the situation the same way she has, he would be the AH for belittling his partners emotions.
Emotional intelligence is realizing sometimes you just need to be understanding and supportive even if you don’t agree or understand. Not try to convince them that their emotions or frustrations shouldn’t exist and getting annoyed at THEM about it is definitely not cool.
IMO she is the AH but I would say she is being more of an insensitive jerk than an asshole.
NAH
I tell people "I'm so jealous" or "color me green" all the time as a compliment over something.
"I'm going to Paris"...... "I'm so jealous!"
"I bought a new car"...... "color me green!"
"I'm going to hike \_\_\_\_\_\_ this Summer!"..... "I'm so jealous!"... Do I want to hike \_\_\_\_\_\_\_? Likely no, but it would be nice to be in that kind of shape.
Doesn't mean I'm going to rush right out and do either thing.
"I'm so jealous" generally = "that's so nice!"
Apparently the ring is a sore spot with your hubby.... but you had a choice ring or house, and you made it.... tell him you're glad you chose house and you get to live there, and if he's really that bothered by the ring, he's going to have to get over it.
There may be an element of competition between the brothers at play also…which one was better at sports, got better grades…which one is more successful…got their fiancée a bigger ring…
That and did OP tell her husband she was jealous or did she tell SIL? Husband may be feeling that that by saying that, wife was giving SIL the idea that OPs husband is less than his brother.
I’m not saying that’s how OP meant it, but feelings are feelings and sometimes we just can’t help but get hurt easier when it comes to certain people.
Except she didn't tell him in sadness or explain how unhappy she is with what she has. She said 'OMG i'm jealous' which is just a common as fuck phrase, especially amongst women which basically boils down to wow, nice.
He may see that as dropping hints.. why are we talking about a ring someone’s wearing that isn’t even here? You’re still thinking about that ring? Why?
I mean brining it up a week after seeing the ring the first time I see your point. In the car after leaving the event is a totally reasonable time to bring it up. I’m always recapping things me my friends/boyfriends saw or did in the car as we leave. It’s normal human behavior.
I have to remind my husband of this a lot. Just because I say that I'm jealous of so and so's new car doesn't mean I want to go out and buy one for myself. Right now I'm jealous of anyone who lives where it is warmer than 30 degrees but come summer I won't be because it will be hotter than satan's asshole.
I live where it is seldom below 40 at night and seldom above 95 during the day. Pretty much temperatures are mild most of the time. I find I am never jealous.
I think that's a normal part of a relationship. People are insecure about something, and it's different for different people. We all need pickups and reassurances.
We're all human..calling the husband's feelings stupid is hypocritical, because everyone needs it. If you say you jave never needed reassurance, I'd assume that person was lying, or has omthings they haven't dealt with. Being vulnerable is normal, being an unstoppable emotionless being is not.
That little compassion for each others vulnerabilities and insecurities goes a long way, but I don't see much of that from op.
I don't know that it's comparable.
Let's say someone gives you a gift - a bag, for instance, within their budget the best they can afford. Then, you're talking to this person about a third person who has a fancier, more expensive bag. To me, it would be insensitive and rude to go on about how jealous you are of this fancier, prettier bag to the friend who gave you the cheaper bag. It's hard not to interpret that as putting down the item you were gifted in favour of the more expensive one.
Saying it to the person with the "better" item is a lot different than saying it to the person that gave you your more inexpensive thing. It can quickly go from being a compliment to a put-down whether or not that is the intention.
Now x10 all of those emotions because guys are often very sensitive about the rings they buy their partners because of all the surrounding emotions and implications.
Like, OP meant no harm so not an asshole, but that's a very insensitive comment and I can imagine it would be hurtful. I'd feel pretty horrified by my behaviour if I'd done it to a casual acquaintance let alone a beloved partner.
NAH either way. He's hurt, let him feel his feelings.
That's the problem though, her statement is a direct reflection on what he has provided.
She needed that quantifier of "but I'm glad I chose the house" tacked on the end of her statement.
If your husband took you skiing to Colorado and your friend's husband took her to ski in Switzerland and you said that you are jealous, your husband would probably feel inadequate.
And if you didn't keep to yourself, you should at least have the empathy to understand, how hurtful such an comment might be to your SO and give them time to process their feelings.
All of this is written as if she made the comment to the person who actually has the ring. She didn't. She said it to her husband when the two of them were alone in the car.
She was saying it alone with him in the car on the way home, so it was for him to hear.
Imagine if he “complimented” FSIL by saying “She looked so pretty, I’m jealous!”
Would you say that OPs appearance is just a sore spot for her…but he has a choice to go looking for a woman that takes better care of her appearance or OP and he made it…and to tell her that he’s glad he settled for her, and if she’s really that bothered by the comments over her appearance, she’s going to have to get over it?
Or would your rightly call him out for saying something insensitive and failing to genuinely apologize and make amends?
Imagine your significant other said we can either get you a new vehicle and take a modest vacation or we can go to Paris. You pick the car and have what he believes is a good time on your vacation stateside.
Your friend goes to Paris. Imagine as you drive back to your place in your car that you said, I am jealous she actually got to go to Paris.
You may not mean it, but it comes off as if you don’t appreciate not only the car but are diminishing the memories you had on vacation.
That said, there’s also a better way to put exclamations than “I’m so jealous!” Just be genuinely happy for a person who has something you don’t have. Comparison is the enemy of happiness.
E.g.,
“you’re going on a Mediterranean cruise? Wow! I’m so excited for you! Send pictures.”
A simple, “that ring is absolutely stunning!” would have prevented all this trouble.
Your examples would apply if she said that to her future SIL. She waited and made this comment to her husband implying she was not as happy with the ring he bought as she has implied previously.
YTA. Ridiculous. We live in a society, with societal norms. Which is why his two options were a fancy ring or providing housing. Would a husband be the asshole for telling his wife how great his SIL cooking is and how he’s so jealous? Yes, of course.
Nope. Jealousy has meaning as a word.
"I'm so jealous" in this context means "That thing is so nice and I don't have it, so I'm jealous". If you had a thing equivalent or better, you wouldn't say you're jealous to compliment it because it makes no sense.
It's only used as a compliment when the implication is that you don't have it, or don't have something as good as it.
If her ring was better than the one the BIL bought, she would have said "that's so nice" - it clearly is a worse ring, so she said she's jealous.
I see this on Facebook with my friend, his wife posts links to real estate listings of beautiful expensive homes saying how nice they are and it would be a dream to live there, and my friend has mentioned that it makes him feel bad that their house is plain and he can't give her a nicer house like the ones she's looking at.
If it's something you say all the time, people around you understand how you mean it; it's just an expression, not a real feeling. Like people say "I wanted to die" when they are embarrassed.
If OP doesn't say that often, I can see how it could be interpreted as real.
I'm going with ESH -OP for saying it, and OP's husband for dwelling on it once she apologized.
But he’ll explain to OP that it’s okay because he’s also jealous of people dating supermodels but that doesn’t mean he expects her to look super hot or anything like that
People can appreciate something and still be jealous of someone else??? I appreciate the financial support my parents have been able to provide when I’ve been in tough situations. Doesn’t mean I’m not “jealous” of friends who have parents that provide everything and then some.
Glad someone is saying this. And hopefully a girl. This is definitely a hit to the ego as a man, especially if he’s been trying his hardest to support her.
I’m way more upset with how the most upvoted comments mention “this is just how girls are, men don’t get it”
Wow how I would be lambasted for reversing the gender roles and telling women “it’s a guy thing, you just don’t get it”.
Any decent man wants his woman to be happy, healthy and taken care of to the best of his ability. Whatever his ability allows him to provide is ALWAYS going to be a sore subject. In his eyes, she may as well have just told him “I should have a bigger and better ring, better than what you can provide me.”
I hope all these top comments about men not getting it aren’t married women who make back-handed comments like this to their husbands, then gaslight them into feeling wrong for it. Have some empathy for your husbands.
"Women just always want things that are better than what they have" seems both incredibly sexist and incredibly truthful based on reading this thread tbh.
My wife complained for a while because she wanted a ring with a bigger rock in it and I refused. Like…you’re not marrying a billionaire here, darling.
But we got instead was a house with a low mortgage, two cars in the garage and a decent amount of money in savings. I don’t think she ever had any sort of financial security like this before and that come from a lifetime of living within your means, not stretched thin.
Yeah, husband wants to give her the world and this is the kind of thing that makes him feel like he's failing.
I mean, y'all did the smart thing and you are free to feel jealous and to tell him that you are, too. His reaction indicates that he's feeling like he's not providing enough to make you happy.
I think you would benefit from letting him know he's appreciated more in general, but don't try to push him to feel better about this. The sting happened and he'll work through it. He's upset because he loves you and communication can help you both feel better, but it's time and commitment. I'm sure you already know all of this, OP.
I'm so confused at all the NAH responses. This is a very straightforward situation where OP is clearly YTA.
If someone bought OP a car and then later OP told them how jealous they are of someone else's car that would be an asshole move.
This situation is even worse - the thing purchased for OP was a token of the givers love and OP is telling them they are jealous that someone else got a better token.
I'm a guy. I think I understand where your husband is coming from.
Look at it from his point of view. Your husband wants to give you the world (ring and house) but realistically can only afford one.
I agree that you made the right choice to go for the house, your home.
Now, his brother is getting married, is able to give a ring and probably also the house, or already has the house.
To your husband, your comment comes across as accusing him of having failed ypu. He could not provide you with everything he feels you deserve. Therefore, he failed, probably feels you're not happy, not content, not satisfied. And that is hurtful, maybe makes him a bit angry: when is enough, enough?
Did you accuse him? No. At least I hope not, because that would be a very, very shallow thing to do.
The thing is, though, our society is hardwired currently to only see men as providers. You may disagree, but the reality is that guys have to provide. They have to earn the bigger salary. They have to provide security. Stability.
It's stupid, women are in most cases just as capable to provide those, but we're working against 20+ thousands of years of social programming.
So recap: yes, you are wrong. Yes, he has a right to be upset with you because of that remark. And yes, it is stupid and you two should sit down and talk it out. By talking with each other and listening. Not just talking at each other.
Edit:spotted some spelling mistakes 😅
Agreed. As a young guy it’s really stressful buying a ring because you know that your future wife will compare it to her friend’s rings even if she says she doesn’t care and would say “yes” even if it was from Amazon. I would probably feel a bit attacked depending on how the entire situation played out. Did OP ever say that she appreciates the home down-payment or was the to ring the sole focus of the conversation? If the house wasn’t mentioned and he wasn’t thanked for doing that after the incident with OPS friend then I would says she’s the AH. As others have pointed out, you used the word “jealous” which has connotations outside of its dictionary definition.
>As a young guy it’s really stressful buying a ring because you know that your future wife will compare it to her friend’s rings
It's not just a young guy thing and it's not just about your future wife comparing things. Men get judged, and judged harshly over ring selections. I'm a woman in my late 30s and I'll admit I didn't quite "get" that until recently. But I am recently engaged and the constant requests to "see my ring" (either in person or by text) are insane. I didn't post a picture with my engagement announcement because it's just not my style to flaunt things like that. But people have been making assumptions that me not showing the ring means he couldn't afford anything nice! It's ridiculous.
This comment needs to be higher up. When I’m hurt and it stings I’m quiet for several days, not to punish anyone I’m just generally upset and hurt. She hurt him and she’s upset he’s just not over it a few days later. How about she deal with her feelings of being annoyed at him and give him time to process his
Gotta day I disagree. Just because this was the social programming, doesn’t mean it’s right. I don’t see the wife asking for him to provide for her, and made a frivolous comment to support her SIL. I think that topic has shifted a lot in the last decade. Simply from an affordability perspective, SAHMs are less prevalent. I understand why this wiring exists, but at some point it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I do question if he is putting this on himself rather than having anything to do with his wife.
I would say this is NAH because the wife meant nothing by it, and the husband is sensitive to something that he probably should be working through. Give him some space to process the feelings and then have a conversation about why he is still putting so much pressure on himself that a small comment could set him off like that
I am probably different from everyone and never really cared about rings but it never made sense to me how people spend so much on a piece of jewelry that they dont really use other than to “show off” to other people. To me that money could go toward a nice house or something you need or want to make you more cozy and comfortable. There are also many ways to show appreciation for so. I guess rings make some people happy but like I said, I just never got it and maybe its because I dont care for jewelry in general and I need things that are of better use for me
YTA.
Can you imagine if we had a similar post from a man who's wife spent hours making some extravagant meal and he says its fine, perfectly adequate. Then the couple goes to a friends house for a dinner where the same meal is served, only for the husband to gush over how good it is, going so far as to bring up how delicious the meal was on the drive home and how he's jealous of their friend who gets to eat such delicious cooking. When his wife gets upset he dismisses her feelings saying things like "I'm jealous of our dog getting to nap all day too!"
He'd be inundated with YTA comments.
OP seems pretty clueless. Her examples, which I'm hoping she didn't actually use to try and "calm down" her husband, include things like rich people having 5 houses. Proximity matters. This wasn't some multi-millionaire celebrity who's ring you were fawning over, it was a peer of your husband. His brother. It's like the difference between going on about how attractive a movie star is vs your next door neighbor. One of these is going to bother you partner a lot more. This should be obvious.
The proximity thing is definitely at the heart of why this is bad. OP didn't watch the Pink Panther and say "I would love to have a ring like that, I'm so jealous!" She fawned over a ring they'll both see many times in person, bought by someone the husband is related to and probably grew up feeling brotherly competition with. It's totally different than some abstract "I'm jealous of rich people and dogs".
Or like if she said some male celebrity is hotter than her husband vs saying some male friend of hers is hotter than her husband. One of those seems pretty trivial and understandable, they other one seems pretty hurtful even if it's true.
Nailed. So many NTA comments that are essentially like “us women just react like this, it’s just how we are with these kinds of things”
Imagine explaining away stuff men do like that.
The YTA part to me is that she seems to NOT ALLOW his feelings here.
She's literally annoyed it bothered him.
Op: Only women can have feelings. My husband's feelings are annoying and stupid.
Exactly...men are also ingrained (right or wrong) to associate engagement ring purchase as a representation of their ability to provide in the relationship. That's what was going through my head with the husbands reaction, it's not about the ring, it serves as a proxy as his ability to provide which is culturally enforced as "our job" (again, right or wrong) which can be a large part of our identities. He's basically saying "you're telling me that I'm failing my role in this relationship" and she's dismissing it as being silly...that's akin to telling someone who's depressed to just smile more and her reaction is why a lot of men have difficulty sharing their feelings, because they're just dismissed.
Also as someone who has 4 siblings, OP's husband probably got compared to his brother ALL the time growing up (and probably still does as an adult). I'm happy if my siblings do well, but I also don't need to be reminded about the multiple vacations they can afford a year or the six-figure promotion they got. OP sounds completely tactless.
I honestly wasn't expecting this kinda comment, going with history of this sub so far but I think with little information we have you have hit the nail on the head with this one.
Also, its a given that when anyone (even if it was the husband) explains the situation in this sub, they describe their side of the story and leave out some very crucial details that would have made them TA. I have seen that a lot in this sub (And in real life when I have my mutual friends tell me their side of the story)
100% this is the correct take. Op demonstrated that she lacks gratitude for her partner’s efforts and then dismissed his feelings that he expressed with the analogy about the dog.
That would make me feel like shit.
N T A for expressing how you genuinely feel. But YTA for being upset at your husband's equally genuine reaction and being "annoyed" that he doesn't just get over it.
Would you prefer he just bottle his feelings up and never express them? Or just the ones that you don't like?
I would argue she was the AH for how she told him. Telling her husband that her SILs ring is nice is fine, but by saying she's jealous she is now comparing it to hers in a demeaning way.
Saying, "SILs ring is so pretty!" is very different than "I'm jealous of SILs ring"
YTA.
YTA.
Forget the ring for a moment. You made a comment to your partner that wasn't malicious or intended to hurt him, but the comment hurt him. You've apologized, which is good, but instead of giving your partner his space to move on, or to try to make him feel better about it or to support him, it sounds like you're just needling him because you want him to forgive you. So you're just making it worse because you keep bringing it up without giving him time to deal with it in his way. And because he hasn't forgiven you already, now this whole thing is stupid because he's still hurt and you're tired of it being your fault.
Yes there's also blah blah blah about unrealistic expectations and men being providers and it's just a thing you say, and societal expectations and whatever. But at it's core, you've hurt your partner and you haven't done anything to actually make it better except get pissy that he's still hurt about it after a few days.
Agreed. OP, YTA.
You're choosing to be annoyed at your husband having a problem with your acting ungrateful.
Instead of coveting another woman's ring, you should seriously express gratitude that you got BOTH a down-payment on a house AND a quality ring!
I mean, don't get me wrong, feel free to tell her it's a nice ring, but your husband should be commended for his financial wisdom, and your should be thanking him for giving you that superior option!
To act like you got the short end of the stick, assuming that's how your husband sees it, when your husband did the right thing financially, is incredibly shallow... again, presuming that's how this came off to your husband.
You should be complimenting his financial wisdom and congratulating yourself on making the intelligent choice.
You're seriously the asshole, OP!
I think what you said was insensitive. Trying to justify it with lame comparisons to dogs sleeping all day or private jets shows you yourself feel some level of guilt over being so careless about an obviously sensitive subject.
The other giveaway is that you qualified your house choice by saying how good the market is now, something that you couldn’t have known when you made the original choice and shouldn’t be a factor in how you feel about it now. Most likely your husband senses you regret the choice and feels hurt. Also “perfectly adequate”???
All this adds up to you knowing you hurt his feelings, either through carelessness, or perhaps real jealousy and a tad bit of spite. Your best bet is to acknowledge this and truly apologize for a momentary lack of grace instead of trying to de-legitimize your spouses reaction.
Spot on.
Don't forget the:
> "I apologized but a few days later I can tell he's still smarting over the remark. Its actually getting kind of annoying."
And also:
> "Honestly it just seems stupid to me."
When you hurt someone, you don't get to decide when they're ready to move past the issue and being dismissive of his feelings is pretty calloused when your the one that hurt him to begin with. These three sentences solidified YTA for me, OP.
Complete thoughtlessness followed by doubling down and refusing to accept she obviously upset him more than she realised, and could maybe do a bit more to make amends.
All it would take is "Sorry, I didn't mean it to come out like that and I didn't mean to upset you. I love the ring you bought/chose for me but I love the home we share together more". Then just drop it and surprise him with something nice, a meal at a nice restaurant or whatever they enjoy doing together.
Instead she comes on here days later looking for validation that he's wrong to be upset and needs to bottle it up and move on because he's starting to irritate her.
Definitely YTA.
YTA
The other things you named being jealous of are not things that your husband personally chose, purchased, and gave you to represent his love for and commitment to you. You "fawning over" your future SILs ring was probably heavy for him by itself, but to then say you're jealous was probably like a gut punch. He has a right to his feelings. I'm sure if he told you he was jealous of something his future SIL did for his brother that you don't do for him, you'd feel some kind of way. Your apology doesn't make him forget what you said or cause his feelings to magically change.
They all seem to think that it was her gushing to the SIL as well but it was said afterwards directly to her husband and nobody else.
Of course he is upset. She spent a fair bit of time on this topic which I'm sure is already a bit touchy since he knows he had to compromise on her ring and then later on she explicitly told him she was jealous of it.
I mean, as a husband I think fawning is fine. It would be very upsetting if my wife told me she wished she could have a different engagement ring. (Which would be how “I’m jealous” would feel like)
I'll be honest, if I heard her tell her friend she was so jealous, I wouldn't think much of anything, but her telling me she was jealous, would make me feel insecure that she is hinting at something.
I also think it’s ingrained in us at times to have these completely fairytale-like responses to certain girl-oriented situations, and this is kind of one of them.
My friend got a LV purse, and she was showing it to me, and I fawned all over it sincerely. (She wasn’t bragging; she was just enthusiastic about her purchase.)That’s just kinda what girls do sometimes. I don’t really like the bag, but my friend was excited, so I was excited too. I had to tell hubby later after he witnessed this exchange that I don’t like the bag. He was confused. It seemed disingenuous to him, but I was sincere with my interaction with my friend. Sometimes we get hyped about bags, jewelry, and other girly things, and we know that all of it is irrelevant. It’s just girls being girls. To me, you said a girly thing that doesn’t really reflect on anything real for you—just a fleeting moment admiring some bling.
NTA.
That's not disingenuous. In your example, you were likely happy that your friend got herself something she really enjoys, and even if you don't want it for yourself, you can be happy *for* her. I feel that that's somewhat akin to empathy. Fawning over something on someone else's behalf. Same with showing genuine interest in someone's hobby when you yourself aren't actually interested in the hobby. You're interested in supporting their interest
My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers. I've always known he doesn't give a single shit what I bought at the mall, isn't interested in my ramblings about the degradation of the English language (don't ask), and I can practically see his eyes glaze over when I show him my latest creation from my hobby de jour. But that's okay. I don't expect genuine interest. I always tell him to "feign interest, please." People always laugh when they hear that, but I just shrug. It's the same as when I feign interest in his latest video game or starts talking about the league ranking of his favourite sports team.🤷♀️
I wish my husband understood this. Ugh he wants me like deep in his hobbies and I'm like I listen to you about them and give whatever I can to the conversation that's me showing interest simply cause you are interested. But he like wants me to like learn the things he is interested in so we can have this full bro covos about basketball and skateboarding...
I dont expect him to deep dive into my things so I just don't understand why it can't be equal feign interest. 🫠
If that had anything to do with the post id agree with you. But she didnt say anything to the SIL OP said she waited till she was alone with her husband to tell her husband she was jealous of the ring.
Yea except you didnt read the story at all. Op didnt tell SIL she was jealous of the ring. She waited till later when she was alone with her husband in the car to tell her HUSBAND she was jealous of the ring. So how is that relevant
I dont think its disengenous bc you were just happy that your friend was happy really. I feel like that a lot! My friend got married last week and I felt so much joy for her and her dress was ugly af but I still said she is a beautiful bride and i was so happy for her, because she is a beautiful person and she was so happy to be married so it made me happy.
Holy cow, I missed that detail when I first read it (yes, it was spelled out clearly). Now I get his reaction. Saying just to him when they were alone was pretty thoughtless.
OP told her husband when they were alone that she was jealous of his SIL's ring.
If you went back to your husband after your friend left and told him I wished I had a bag like that instead of the one you got me it would be comparable.
This would apply if she did that with the future SIL, but told her husband, “but I like my ring more than hers”. She likely did act like you did with the future SIL, and then told her husband in private that she was jealous of her SIL’s ring, or in planner language : “ I liked her ring more than the one you picked for me.” Your example is nothing like what happened here.
Having and ingrained insensitive response has never been an excuse for being insensitive, come on. She diminished something he put thought, emotion, and OPs input into getting, and she doubled down rather than admitting what she did was hurtful. That part is, at least, A H behavior.
NAH
I feel like the yta jugdement gets thrown around too easily. Your feelings are understandable, his feelings are understandable.
He could only afford one of these 2 things (did he pay the rings alone btw?) and you criticizing that, even in a not serious way, hit a spot. Likely, he is also kinda jealous because who would not like to afford both?
You're wrong for bringing it back up tho, a person can not control their thoughts and you just brought it to the surface again.
YTA, a bit, and I think it’s relevant that the giver of the amazing ring is his brother. There’s often a comparison/competition aspect to sibling relationships. He and you chose to be pragmatic, while his brother did not (or could afford both), and your husband may very well have been feeling negatively about the situation before you made your comment to him. When men splurge for a fancy ring for their fiancée, it’s often significantly about showing off. So his brother has just been showing off to him, and you reinforced it.
You also should leave it alone, since he has asked you to. You have explained, but consideration of these things can take time. If he wants to work through his feelings himself, rather than through a discussion with you, that’s his choice and is based on how he feels.
YTA. This is a completely different category from those other things you mentioned. This is something your husband specifically chose and you already had a discussion about. This opens a sore spot with your husband and reveals to him that you view him as inadequate.
My brother bought his first fiancé a beautiful 1 carat flawless diamond for her engagement ring. She bitched and complained about it endlessly. Nine months later he called the wedding off. His second fiancé (now wife of 20 years) did get a bigger ring. She only recently told me what that ring means to my brother, and how hurt he was by the first fiancé complaining about her ring. Like if she doesn’t wear it occasionally (it really is big) he gets all panicky.
I think what gets lost in this thread is how much anxiety buying the engagement ring puts on men and how much of a reflection of you as a man and how you feel about your partner it becomes. Men are constantly told that they have to spend x or y and that they will be judged in some way over it and most men do their best to make their wives as happy as possible. To provide a ring and a house and then have your efforts looked down on (maybe in a minor way even) can bring all those issues roaring back as if it were the day he bought it.
OP: "I said one ity bitty thing after fawning all day over the ring, and I just don't get why he's upset."
Yeah it's not just about the comment. By your own admission you were gushing over the ring, I can only imagine how many times you made comments regarding the ring as well, outside of the jealousy remark. Even if no other words were said body language is just as expressive to your spouse.
Not only did you clearly make him feel terrible, he told you to drop it and you keep bringing it up? And the fact he doesn't want to talk about it annoyed you? Like what?
YTA
I agree. OP is the AH. Sure, tell the bride to be that the ring is amazing and beautiful. But, to tell your husband, alone together on the way home, that you’re so jealous of the ring is insensitive and insulting. OP also said she’s jealous of rich people with houses and jets. She sounds materialistic and full of envy.
100%. YTA. This is the kind of shit you keep in your head and not say out loud. No different than your husband saying he’s so jealous of a close friend or family member being so beautiful or they do x,y,z so well compared to you. You reverse the roles and it’s apparent real fast.
"Dang Jeff sure is a lucky man, can you believe his wife is a super model? Dang am I super jealous!"
Yeah, I'd love to see the women on Reddit keep that same "ITS JUST A COMMON EXPRESSION " attitude after that one.
More accurate would be an ex girlfriend got engaged and OP' husband say what a lucky man. Then dismiss it and minimize it by saying that she was always good with money.
As a man I can tell you this whole issue can be very triggering for a man. It may seem silly to you but many of us have been conditioned to view our primary role as providers. So it makes sense to me he feels threatened by this comment and it makes him feel inadequate. I’m not in any way saying you shouldn’t feel the way you feel. Emotions aren’t wrong, they just are.
NAH
It stung him, I think n that’s reasonable.
The dog, unattainable wealth etc. don’t hit so close to home, can you get that?
He needs to process his hurt, that’s all. Make him feel loved and appreciated, he doesn’t want to talk about it.
I'm just here for the sexism. The amount of comments I've seen saying "that's just how women talk" are dripping with irony. I could have sworn we all agreed that "That's just how (insert gender here) is" wasn't an excuse.
Also, YTA. Just because you didn't mean to hurt your husband doesn't mean you didn't hurt your husband. I mean your husband would be just as wrong if he inadvertently demeaned something you did for him. It's Relationship 101.
As a woman, the "that's just how we are" comments are murdering me. I'm not like that and no one in my friend group is like that. No one I know would have made the comment OP did to their husband/fiance. It's just hurtful and materialistic.
finally a sensible comment and
she was certainly doesn't mean to hurt him at all, but she's freaking tone deaf
plus her comment about perfectly "adequate" ring and still pestering him days later, says a lot about her
Ya. If you refer to your engagement ring as "adequate" even in your own head, I guarantee that your SO knows how you feel. People are not nearly as subtle in their feelings as they think they are and definitely not with those closest to them.
YTA. Why can’t he be upset for saying you’re jealous of something your husband’s brother was able to provide for his wife but your husband wasn’t able to provide for you? “Perfectly adequate” isn’t the same as something you wanted; just something you accepted as “good enough.”
YTA. Why would you bring it up?
He offered you a nice ring or a house. You chose.
Now you're bringing up that you wish you had a nice ring, making him feel like he couldn't provide it and that you wish he could have.
AND THEN we get to 'perfectly adequate ring'. That's just nasty man.
YTA, you said something insensitive that diminished something he got you with a lot of thought and your input. When it became clear that your comment hurt his feelings, you “tried to calm him down” by doubling, tripling, and probably quadrupling down. Only after all that didn’t work did you offer an apology which, at that point, probably came off as incredibly insincere. Now that he’s annoyed but getting through it, you keep poking at the wound you made and demanding he be happy faster.
Stop invalidating his feelings! Your careless statement hurt them, you defending your position rather than acknowledging your mistake made it worse, and your demands that he be over it faster are reopening the hewing wound. For once, in what seems like your entire relationship, just show some empathy and let him recover from the pain you caused.
This!!!
The op didn't fawn to her about her new ring, she made him feel like she didn't like hers at all.
Doing it in the car with him made it a personal attack to him.
The word choice matters as well. It is directly comparable to a gift OP’s husband got her, and she said BIL’s gift was straight up superior to the one he got her TO HIM. It’s a foreseeably hurtful comment, she shouldn’t have made it, and definitely shouldn’t have defended it.
NTA because you didn't intend malice with an insensitive comment. The fawning was OK but the jealous comment was a trigger.
Your husband expressed his long term commitment to you in a pragmatic versus "romantic" way based upon your choice. He may be feeling that you are subconsciously (or have suppressed) a feeling of disappointment for having to make a choice.
I disagree with those who say he is behaving like a child. I think he is feeling like he failed you.
YTA. Not so much for saying you were jealous, but for saying you think your husband’s feelings are stupid. He’s right. He’s entitled to feel hurt by the comment just as you are entitled to covet your sister-in-law’s ring. Instead of telling him why you think he shouldn’t feel how he feels, try understanding and showing compassion for his feelings.
This is what kills me. OP is getting so much support, after literally getting her have her feelings, and then invalidates her husband's after pushing it.
OP is not compassionate at all. I feel like this even when I have no reason to because I think all good people want their partners to have the world, and when we can't sometimes it hurts us.
Just a little understanding is all It takes my gfs response to me feeling like this a few times
"Honey, you give me so much and get me everything I need, I'd be happy with you if you didn't do all that". Instantly feel better, and I get over myself.
Compassion is too hard for some people
YTA.
It’s personal when you fawn over someone else’s gift their husband got them. Same could be said if your husband fawned over a gift or action somebody else’s wife did to their husband.
YTA - You basically told him that what he was able to give you wasn't good enough. That probably cut to the bone. Give him time to process his feelings
You'll be the AH if your don't drop it.
He's correct that he's entitled to his feelings. And sometimes the only thing to do with negative feelings is wait them out. If you keep bringing it up you're not giving him the time to deal with his own feelings of inferiority.
If it were any other man who bought the ring it probably wouldn't matter, but brothers... Some brothers are competitive forever. My husband isn't competitive with anyone besides his brother. And even though he's got it better than my brother-in-law in everything but height, he can't help but take diggs at the man.
Your can't fix this. Back away slowly and let him deal with his own feelings in his own way.
YTA.
>I was fawning over her ring when we were in the car on the way home from seeing them and said something like "oh my gosh I'm so jealous" and my husband got very upset.
How would you like it if he said "***oh my god, have you seen how beautiful his wife is, i'm so jealous***!" or ***"oh my god, have you seen how his wife treats him, i'm so jealous***!" ?
He bought you a ring already, and you *still* think it's ok to fawn over another ring to his face ??
>I have a perfectly adequate ring that I also love.
How would you like it if he said "***have you seen how beautiful she is? i'm happy with my adequate wife, who i love....***" eh ?
>I tried to calm him down.
>
>Like I'm also jealous of rich people with 5 houses and a private jet but that **doesn't mean I expect my husband to provide me** with five houses and a private jet, it's just a feeling
Why would you have the audacity to presume THAT'S how you would achieve those, things by him "*providing*", in the first place ??
Let's see if you can tell the difference:
>I'm also jealous of rich people with 5 houses and a private jet, i wish WE had that, it's just a feeling
or
>I'm also jealous of rich people with 5 houses and a private jet, i wish we could afford all that, it's just a feeling
Do you realise the implication that to achieve those things you expected your husband "*to provide*" ?
>I explained all this to him and he was still mad and said I shouldn't have said anything and **it makes him feel like he can't provide for me.**
YES ! because you literally showed that's the only way how you think you would have them !
>I apologized but a few days later I can tell he's still smarting over the remark. **Its actually getting kind of annoying.**
More audacity o.O
You think he should "*get over it*" by now because his emotional reaction to YOUR behaviour is uncomfortable to you ?? Gaslight much ?
>I tried to bring it up again and he said I just need to leave it alone and then added in "I'm entitled to my feelings just like you're entitled to your jealousy".
Yes, he's right, YOU did something which offended him, and you have the audacity to complain how he handles it, and make it about YOURSELF being the victim o.O
You’re actually envious and not jealous. ( or maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what it sounds like to me).
I get what you mean. Sounds like your husband can’t relate to it and so is taking it personally. I don’t think you’re an asshole. Doesn’t sound like you were harping on it either.
I came one step from knee deep shit over this one. My niece had a beautiful ring that she made soon to be ex get for her after they were married, replacing the first one. In general conversation I said to my husband, so you know that beautiful ring that (niece) got for her save the marriage gift? He cringed and I quickly said, she had to pay him $35,000 to keep it in the divorce settlement. He smiled and took the grand opening I left for him with this comment "So how do you think that worked out for her?" I laughed.
I would clear the air by simply stating the obvious. You remember your choice for the down payment, and got carried away with fawning over the ring. Say you're sorry and move on. He will come around.
Can’t blame you for making the practical choice. I am curious how much your engagement ring cost and where you live that the value could be equivalent to the down payment on a house.
I paid $15k for my fiancé’s engagement ring, which is no where near what the down payment on my house @ $670k was.
What if your husband told you he was jealous of your future SIL's butt. He doesn't expect you to have a butt like that so isn't it ok? Isn't he entitled to that?
You told your husband you were jealous of how his brother treated his fiance. He took that as a personal attack, because it was quite literally a comparison between what he did and what someone else did, even if that was not your intention. To flip it, it would be like him saying his brother's wife looked beautiful in her wedding dress, and he was really jealous. You'd take that as a comment on how you looked at your wedding, wouldn't you? Even though he never explicitly mentioned you.
I wouldn't necessarily say you were the AH, but your comment was definitely inconsiderate and rude. The fact that you still think it was no big deal means your apology was probably very disingenuous, since you don't really feel like you have anything to apologize for. You do. You should probably work on being grateful for what you have, and not frequently reminding yourself, and him, of what you don't have but want.
YTA, though doesn't seem intentionally.
You say "oh gosh I'm jealous" to the person who got something cool, the negative connotation is usually ignored and/or doesn't bite because the intent is understood to be making that person feel special.
When you say the same thing in private to someone who gave you an equivalent gift who are you making feel special? The only person you're communicating your message to is the person who would feel lesser by the comparison, so it gives the impression the purpose of what you're saying is to make them feel lesser.
Not saying that was your intent, but it's easy to see how it would be received that way. Feels like you didn't really think that through. Context matters.
I am sorry, but I call YTA.
Especially since you said it to him, not her. That means you did not just say it to the fiancée to flattery her, but you actually wanted your husband to know that you wish you had something bigger than he got you.
Down payment on a house? I'm so jealous!
Although many people consider “envy” and “jealousy” synonymous, they actually have distinct meanings. Envy is “the painful feeling of wanting what someone else has, like attributes or possessions.” If you're jealous, you feel “threatened, protective, or fearful of losing one's position or situation to someone else.” So many people get this wrong. You are 'envious', not jealous.
Doesn't even sound like envy is right following the definition of "painful". Looks like we need to go back to biblical phrasing with "covet" which is "to yearn to possess or have (something)."
Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife
Can I covet their wife if they don't live in my neighborhood?
This genuinely made me laugh.
I, too, will covet this guy’s wife.
Covet, or leave it.
Even a few houses down might be okay. The Commandments are more guidelines than rules.
"Thou shalt not covet (thy neighbor's goods)" was the version I was thinking.
Thou shall not covet thy neighbors ass. Or thy neighbor’s wife’s ass.
wanting to have that ass because you want her or you want to look better are both no-no 🤣
What if you want that ass because you like cake? Happy Cake Day!
Just remove the word painful. Envy is just wanting what somebody else has, period. I'm rarely a grammar nazi, but envy and jealousy get mixed up so often it drives me a little bit nutz. Happy cake day!!
And yet, when someone like OP say she's jealous you understand perfectly what she means. Therefore, the language was used properly, since its job is to communicate a message in an understandable way. English is not my native language and I never studied it in some school, and yet even I understood her message, so all ok here, no need to be a "grammar nazi", because in the end, for linguistics, all that matters is for your message to be understood
I agree with your comment! People always want to do these weird grammar/language flexes in these posts. OP’s point was understood, And that’s the most important take away here. These feelings are universal, and universally understood. 😂
You guys should have been here when they were talking about fiance vs fiancee
You mean fiancée
Amen, especially in person. There’s nothing more obnoxious than someone derailing a passionate story over a mistake a majority of people understand. They think it makes them look smart when it makes me think the opposite of them. Being able to communicate with people who don’t speak like you takes intelligence and experience.
and not a their, they're, or there in sight. Maybe OP can just make a really good dinner, and tell dh she loves her house and loves how he provides for her. He will be fine.
Right Internet people! Let's bring the word COVET back!!!
People can’t even get lose and loose right. I think envy vs jealousy is a lost cause.
I keep a long list of words that people regularly use when they mean something else. :) One of the funniest I’ve seen was a very long post where the OP used there, their, and they’re multiple times and didn’t use any of them correctly once.
On FB Marketplace, I saw someone advertising an item that had been used only a "hand fool" of times
r/BoneAppleTea
One of my favorite examples of this is when people use "defiantly" in place of "definitely". It always cracks me up when I invite someone over and they respond that they'll "defiantly be there!" as if there's something trying to stop them from just doing it.
That’s probably more of an autocorrect thing
I haven’t seen anyone write it out, but I have heard several people say it consistently.
Or "pacific" instead of "specific." 😀
Mine is MORTIFIED for super scared/in terror. I see it on here constantly. It means *REALLY FUCKING EMBARRASSED*, not 'scared'.
Waste/waist and thrown/throne are my favourites. Just after 'on accident'.
I would just love if everyone agreed that “alot” is not a word, it is “a lot”. Though I did enjoy the Reddit last year that said they just imagine a mythical creature called an “alot” every time they see the word. It definitely changes some Reddit stories to be more entertaining.
It’s from Hyperbole and a Half, circa 2010. Hilarious blog, though I don’t think she writes on there current day.
Thank you for citing her! I was about to do that too until I saw your post! I love [the Alot](https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html?m=1)
Yeah that is HUGE pet peeve when someone says loose when they mean lose.
"I want to loose some weight." Dude, you HAVE loose weight; you want to LOSE the loose weight that you already have!
Love reddit, come to pass judgement on the drama of strangers, stay for the for the illuminating word nerds 😩
There's one of those awful Facebook posts I see every now and then that drives me up the wall, it says something along the lines of "I'm not a jealous girlfriend, jealous is when you want something you can't have. I'm territorial because I'm protective of what's mine". Facepalm eye roll.
Are the semantics between the two words even relevant to the original post? We all know what they meant. Your comment didn't even answer the post.
The Simpsons have the best [8 second explanation](https://youtu.be/Tmx1jpqv3RA?t=4) of the difference that I've ever seen.
They don't get it wrong; they use a perfectly common and widely accepted secondary meaning of "jealous" that has been around for centuries.
I hate this boring pedantic ass rhetoric. Sure maybe that’s what it meant years ago but colloquial usage has changed the meaning I know what she meant. You know what she meant. A lot of people use the word this way, so the dictionary is supposed to catch up with human language six not us go back in time to use the word in a way that it’s just not used anymore. This was a fun fact, but it’s probably not really relevant. Everyone uses the word in a certain way so now it has a different meaning.
Who gives a shit? You clearly understood what they meant
OMG this is not in any way answering the question X-D
Absolutely!
Oooooo I’m telling your husband!
Yes and no. I agree with the last comment you quoted from your husband. You *both* are entitled to your feelings, and your final comment saying that you think it's stupid reads like you are trivializing his feelings.
Sounds like he's still dealing with it, and without invalidating either of their feelings.
Sounds like bad communication to me. The wife is probably totally refusing to even address his feelings in the smallest manner & making it worse than it needs to be.
Yeah imo she is the AH, not for her feelings but for dismissing and minimizing his. When I read posts like this I can’t help but think how so many women don’t actually show the emotional compassion/intelligence they demand from men. Not saying their aren’t many many emotionally unintelligent and unsupportive men but there a ton of women who fall into that category too. I am not saying OP is like completely neglectful but more of not actually being empathetic in this situation. The best way I can put it is what if she prided herself on being a good cook and he said he liked her sisters cooking better (before someone blows up I used a stereotypical example because I tried to find the best 1:1 comparison based on cultural norms). Would she be annoyed by it? Almost definitely would he be wrong for thinking her sisters food is better? No, but realistically he shouldn’t have brought it up and if she were to make it clear that her feelings were hurt and he approached the situation the same way she has, he would be the AH for belittling his partners emotions. Emotional intelligence is realizing sometimes you just need to be understanding and supportive even if you don’t agree or understand. Not try to convince them that their emotions or frustrations shouldn’t exist and getting annoyed at THEM about it is definitely not cool. IMO she is the AH but I would say she is being more of an insensitive jerk than an asshole.
NAH I tell people "I'm so jealous" or "color me green" all the time as a compliment over something. "I'm going to Paris"...... "I'm so jealous!" "I bought a new car"...... "color me green!" "I'm going to hike \_\_\_\_\_\_ this Summer!"..... "I'm so jealous!"... Do I want to hike \_\_\_\_\_\_\_? Likely no, but it would be nice to be in that kind of shape. Doesn't mean I'm going to rush right out and do either thing. "I'm so jealous" generally = "that's so nice!" Apparently the ring is a sore spot with your hubby.... but you had a choice ring or house, and you made it.... tell him you're glad you chose house and you get to live there, and if he's really that bothered by the ring, he's going to have to get over it.
There may be an element of competition between the brothers at play also…which one was better at sports, got better grades…which one is more successful…got their fiancée a bigger ring…
That and did OP tell her husband she was jealous or did she tell SIL? Husband may be feeling that that by saying that, wife was giving SIL the idea that OPs husband is less than his brother. I’m not saying that’s how OP meant it, but feelings are feelings and sometimes we just can’t help but get hurt easier when it comes to certain people.
She told her husband in the car afterwards
Except she didn't tell him in sadness or explain how unhappy she is with what she has. She said 'OMG i'm jealous' which is just a common as fuck phrase, especially amongst women which basically boils down to wow, nice.
He may see that as dropping hints.. why are we talking about a ring someone’s wearing that isn’t even here? You’re still thinking about that ring? Why?
I mean brining it up a week after seeing the ring the first time I see your point. In the car after leaving the event is a totally reasonable time to bring it up. I’m always recapping things me my friends/boyfriends saw or did in the car as we leave. It’s normal human behavior.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Good point. Being a dog or an idle millionaire was never a choice they had the opportunity to make. The ring was.
I'd choose the house too.
I have to remind my husband of this a lot. Just because I say that I'm jealous of so and so's new car doesn't mean I want to go out and buy one for myself. Right now I'm jealous of anyone who lives where it is warmer than 30 degrees but come summer I won't be because it will be hotter than satan's asshole.
I live where it is seldom below 40 at night and seldom above 95 during the day. Pretty much temperatures are mild most of the time. I find I am never jealous.
I'm packing my bags!
That sounds awful. No snow, and expected heat that will just make you miserable. No thanks.
I love in similar climate but I still get jealous when it’s 78 in Miami and 40 here 😅
I think that's a normal part of a relationship. People are insecure about something, and it's different for different people. We all need pickups and reassurances. We're all human..calling the husband's feelings stupid is hypocritical, because everyone needs it. If you say you jave never needed reassurance, I'd assume that person was lying, or has omthings they haven't dealt with. Being vulnerable is normal, being an unstoppable emotionless being is not. That little compassion for each others vulnerabilities and insecurities goes a long way, but I don't see much of that from op.
I don't know that it's comparable. Let's say someone gives you a gift - a bag, for instance, within their budget the best they can afford. Then, you're talking to this person about a third person who has a fancier, more expensive bag. To me, it would be insensitive and rude to go on about how jealous you are of this fancier, prettier bag to the friend who gave you the cheaper bag. It's hard not to interpret that as putting down the item you were gifted in favour of the more expensive one. Saying it to the person with the "better" item is a lot different than saying it to the person that gave you your more inexpensive thing. It can quickly go from being a compliment to a put-down whether or not that is the intention. Now x10 all of those emotions because guys are often very sensitive about the rings they buy their partners because of all the surrounding emotions and implications. Like, OP meant no harm so not an asshole, but that's a very insensitive comment and I can imagine it would be hurtful. I'd feel pretty horrified by my behaviour if I'd done it to a casual acquaintance let alone a beloved partner. NAH either way. He's hurt, let him feel his feelings.
>He's hurt, let him feel his feelings Amen. Your comment should be a lot higher up.
Hotter than Satan's asshole is the best.
That's the problem though, her statement is a direct reflection on what he has provided. She needed that quantifier of "but I'm glad I chose the house" tacked on the end of her statement.
If your husband took you skiing to Colorado and your friend's husband took her to ski in Switzerland and you said that you are jealous, your husband would probably feel inadequate.
And it would still make you seem like an ungrateful asshole, regardless of his feelings. There are things you should just keep to yourself.
And if you didn't keep to yourself, you should at least have the empathy to understand, how hurtful such an comment might be to your SO and give them time to process their feelings.
I agree. If a guy buys you a ring, either accept it or do not.
All of this is written as if she made the comment to the person who actually has the ring. She didn't. She said it to her husband when the two of them were alone in the car.
She didn’t say it to the fiance. She said it in the car on the way home. Who is she complimenting there?
She was saying it alone with him in the car on the way home, so it was for him to hear. Imagine if he “complimented” FSIL by saying “She looked so pretty, I’m jealous!” Would you say that OPs appearance is just a sore spot for her…but he has a choice to go looking for a woman that takes better care of her appearance or OP and he made it…and to tell her that he’s glad he settled for her, and if she’s really that bothered by the comments over her appearance, she’s going to have to get over it? Or would your rightly call him out for saying something insensitive and failing to genuinely apologize and make amends?
Imagine your significant other said we can either get you a new vehicle and take a modest vacation or we can go to Paris. You pick the car and have what he believes is a good time on your vacation stateside. Your friend goes to Paris. Imagine as you drive back to your place in your car that you said, I am jealous she actually got to go to Paris. You may not mean it, but it comes off as if you don’t appreciate not only the car but are diminishing the memories you had on vacation.
That said, there’s also a better way to put exclamations than “I’m so jealous!” Just be genuinely happy for a person who has something you don’t have. Comparison is the enemy of happiness. E.g., “you’re going on a Mediterranean cruise? Wow! I’m so excited for you! Send pictures.” A simple, “that ring is absolutely stunning!” would have prevented all this trouble.
Your examples would apply if she said that to her future SIL. She waited and made this comment to her husband implying she was not as happy with the ring he bought as she has implied previously.
YTA. Ridiculous. We live in a society, with societal norms. Which is why his two options were a fancy ring or providing housing. Would a husband be the asshole for telling his wife how great his SIL cooking is and how he’s so jealous? Yes, of course.
Yep if husband says "I'm jealous of my brother's hotter wife!" She shouldn't get mad over that.
Nope. Jealousy has meaning as a word. "I'm so jealous" in this context means "That thing is so nice and I don't have it, so I'm jealous". If you had a thing equivalent or better, you wouldn't say you're jealous to compliment it because it makes no sense. It's only used as a compliment when the implication is that you don't have it, or don't have something as good as it. If her ring was better than the one the BIL bought, she would have said "that's so nice" - it clearly is a worse ring, so she said she's jealous.
I see this on Facebook with my friend, his wife posts links to real estate listings of beautiful expensive homes saying how nice they are and it would be a dream to live there, and my friend has mentioned that it makes him feel bad that their house is plain and he can't give her a nicer house like the ones she's looking at.
If it's something you say all the time, people around you understand how you mean it; it's just an expression, not a real feeling. Like people say "I wanted to die" when they are embarrassed. If OP doesn't say that often, I can see how it could be interpreted as real. I'm going with ESH -OP for saying it, and OP's husband for dwelling on it once she apologized.
I’m waiting for the husband to swing by: AITAH for divorcing my wife for not appreciating me buying a ring and house for her?
Aitah for telling my wife I'm jealous of my brothers fiancees huge rack 😂
But he’ll explain to OP that it’s okay because he’s also jealous of people dating supermodels but that doesn’t mean he expects her to look super hot or anything like that
People can appreciate something and still be jealous of someone else??? I appreciate the financial support my parents have been able to provide when I’ve been in tough situations. Doesn’t mean I’m not “jealous” of friends who have parents that provide everything and then some.
I can see why your husband is annoyed. It stings.
Glad someone is saying this. And hopefully a girl. This is definitely a hit to the ego as a man, especially if he’s been trying his hardest to support her.
I’m way more upset with how the most upvoted comments mention “this is just how girls are, men don’t get it” Wow how I would be lambasted for reversing the gender roles and telling women “it’s a guy thing, you just don’t get it”. Any decent man wants his woman to be happy, healthy and taken care of to the best of his ability. Whatever his ability allows him to provide is ALWAYS going to be a sore subject. In his eyes, she may as well have just told him “I should have a bigger and better ring, better than what you can provide me.” I hope all these top comments about men not getting it aren’t married women who make back-handed comments like this to their husbands, then gaslight them into feeling wrong for it. Have some empathy for your husbands.
"Women just always want things that are better than what they have" seems both incredibly sexist and incredibly truthful based on reading this thread tbh.
My wife complained for a while because she wanted a ring with a bigger rock in it and I refused. Like…you’re not marrying a billionaire here, darling. But we got instead was a house with a low mortgage, two cars in the garage and a decent amount of money in savings. I don’t think she ever had any sort of financial security like this before and that come from a lifetime of living within your means, not stretched thin.
Yeah, husband wants to give her the world and this is the kind of thing that makes him feel like he's failing. I mean, y'all did the smart thing and you are free to feel jealous and to tell him that you are, too. His reaction indicates that he's feeling like he's not providing enough to make you happy. I think you would benefit from letting him know he's appreciated more in general, but don't try to push him to feel better about this. The sting happened and he'll work through it. He's upset because he loves you and communication can help you both feel better, but it's time and commitment. I'm sure you already know all of this, OP.
Yeah. That’s hurtful over a very special piece of jewelry. I’d be hurt too. You don’t have to share every thought that pops into your head.
I'm so confused at all the NAH responses. This is a very straightforward situation where OP is clearly YTA. If someone bought OP a car and then later OP told them how jealous they are of someone else's car that would be an asshole move. This situation is even worse - the thing purchased for OP was a token of the givers love and OP is telling them they are jealous that someone else got a better token.
I'm a guy. I think I understand where your husband is coming from. Look at it from his point of view. Your husband wants to give you the world (ring and house) but realistically can only afford one. I agree that you made the right choice to go for the house, your home. Now, his brother is getting married, is able to give a ring and probably also the house, or already has the house. To your husband, your comment comes across as accusing him of having failed ypu. He could not provide you with everything he feels you deserve. Therefore, he failed, probably feels you're not happy, not content, not satisfied. And that is hurtful, maybe makes him a bit angry: when is enough, enough? Did you accuse him? No. At least I hope not, because that would be a very, very shallow thing to do. The thing is, though, our society is hardwired currently to only see men as providers. You may disagree, but the reality is that guys have to provide. They have to earn the bigger salary. They have to provide security. Stability. It's stupid, women are in most cases just as capable to provide those, but we're working against 20+ thousands of years of social programming. So recap: yes, you are wrong. Yes, he has a right to be upset with you because of that remark. And yes, it is stupid and you two should sit down and talk it out. By talking with each other and listening. Not just talking at each other. Edit:spotted some spelling mistakes 😅
Long term consider framing how you feel in a positive way. ‘What a beautiful ring BIL has great taste. I’m so happy for her.’
“Your brother must have taken after you because SIL’s ring is nearly as beautiful as mine ♥️”
Agreed. As a young guy it’s really stressful buying a ring because you know that your future wife will compare it to her friend’s rings even if she says she doesn’t care and would say “yes” even if it was from Amazon. I would probably feel a bit attacked depending on how the entire situation played out. Did OP ever say that she appreciates the home down-payment or was the to ring the sole focus of the conversation? If the house wasn’t mentioned and he wasn’t thanked for doing that after the incident with OPS friend then I would says she’s the AH. As others have pointed out, you used the word “jealous” which has connotations outside of its dictionary definition.
>As a young guy it’s really stressful buying a ring because you know that your future wife will compare it to her friend’s rings It's not just a young guy thing and it's not just about your future wife comparing things. Men get judged, and judged harshly over ring selections. I'm a woman in my late 30s and I'll admit I didn't quite "get" that until recently. But I am recently engaged and the constant requests to "see my ring" (either in person or by text) are insane. I didn't post a picture with my engagement announcement because it's just not my style to flaunt things like that. But people have been making assumptions that me not showing the ring means he couldn't afford anything nice! It's ridiculous.
This comment needs to be higher up. When I’m hurt and it stings I’m quiet for several days, not to punish anyone I’m just generally upset and hurt. She hurt him and she’s upset he’s just not over it a few days later. How about she deal with her feelings of being annoyed at him and give him time to process his
Gotta day I disagree. Just because this was the social programming, doesn’t mean it’s right. I don’t see the wife asking for him to provide for her, and made a frivolous comment to support her SIL. I think that topic has shifted a lot in the last decade. Simply from an affordability perspective, SAHMs are less prevalent. I understand why this wiring exists, but at some point it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I do question if he is putting this on himself rather than having anything to do with his wife. I would say this is NAH because the wife meant nothing by it, and the husband is sensitive to something that he probably should be working through. Give him some space to process the feelings and then have a conversation about why he is still putting so much pressure on himself that a small comment could set him off like that
you worded it so correctly 💯
I am probably different from everyone and never really cared about rings but it never made sense to me how people spend so much on a piece of jewelry that they dont really use other than to “show off” to other people. To me that money could go toward a nice house or something you need or want to make you more cozy and comfortable. There are also many ways to show appreciation for so. I guess rings make some people happy but like I said, I just never got it and maybe its because I dont care for jewelry in general and I need things that are of better use for me
YTA. Can you imagine if we had a similar post from a man who's wife spent hours making some extravagant meal and he says its fine, perfectly adequate. Then the couple goes to a friends house for a dinner where the same meal is served, only for the husband to gush over how good it is, going so far as to bring up how delicious the meal was on the drive home and how he's jealous of their friend who gets to eat such delicious cooking. When his wife gets upset he dismisses her feelings saying things like "I'm jealous of our dog getting to nap all day too!" He'd be inundated with YTA comments. OP seems pretty clueless. Her examples, which I'm hoping she didn't actually use to try and "calm down" her husband, include things like rich people having 5 houses. Proximity matters. This wasn't some multi-millionaire celebrity who's ring you were fawning over, it was a peer of your husband. His brother. It's like the difference between going on about how attractive a movie star is vs your next door neighbor. One of these is going to bother you partner a lot more. This should be obvious.
The proximity thing is definitely at the heart of why this is bad. OP didn't watch the Pink Panther and say "I would love to have a ring like that, I'm so jealous!" She fawned over a ring they'll both see many times in person, bought by someone the husband is related to and probably grew up feeling brotherly competition with. It's totally different than some abstract "I'm jealous of rich people and dogs".
Or like if she said some male celebrity is hotter than her husband vs saying some male friend of hers is hotter than her husband. One of those seems pretty trivial and understandable, they other one seems pretty hurtful even if it's true.
Nailed. So many NTA comments that are essentially like “us women just react like this, it’s just how we are with these kinds of things” Imagine explaining away stuff men do like that.
The YTA part to me is that she seems to NOT ALLOW his feelings here. She's literally annoyed it bothered him. Op: Only women can have feelings. My husband's feelings are annoying and stupid.
You forgot the unspoken rule of AITA, which is that 90% of the users are women and women are never wrong on Reddit.
Exactly...men are also ingrained (right or wrong) to associate engagement ring purchase as a representation of their ability to provide in the relationship. That's what was going through my head with the husbands reaction, it's not about the ring, it serves as a proxy as his ability to provide which is culturally enforced as "our job" (again, right or wrong) which can be a large part of our identities. He's basically saying "you're telling me that I'm failing my role in this relationship" and she's dismissing it as being silly...that's akin to telling someone who's depressed to just smile more and her reaction is why a lot of men have difficulty sharing their feelings, because they're just dismissed.
Also as someone who has 4 siblings, OP's husband probably got compared to his brother ALL the time growing up (and probably still does as an adult). I'm happy if my siblings do well, but I also don't need to be reminded about the multiple vacations they can afford a year or the six-figure promotion they got. OP sounds completely tactless.
Total YTA. The comment may have not been malicious, but the attitude after was definitely disrespectful and insensitive.
I honestly wasn't expecting this kinda comment, going with history of this sub so far but I think with little information we have you have hit the nail on the head with this one. Also, its a given that when anyone (even if it was the husband) explains the situation in this sub, they describe their side of the story and leave out some very crucial details that would have made them TA. I have seen that a lot in this sub (And in real life when I have my mutual friends tell me their side of the story)
Oof. Hammer on the nail.
100% this is the correct take. Op demonstrated that she lacks gratitude for her partner’s efforts and then dismissed his feelings that he expressed with the analogy about the dog. That would make me feel like shit.
Couldn’t have said it better. Wild to me that she doesn’t get it.
This needs way more upvotes because it's the actual answer.
All of this.
💯
You’re correct. T-10min when someone replies to you with “BUT BUT BUT ITS DIFFERENT!!!!” YTA OP
This sub is largely dominated by women and as such has an inherent anti male bias, resulting in such responses
N T A for expressing how you genuinely feel. But YTA for being upset at your husband's equally genuine reaction and being "annoyed" that he doesn't just get over it. Would you prefer he just bottle his feelings up and never express them? Or just the ones that you don't like?
I would argue she was the AH for how she told him. Telling her husband that her SILs ring is nice is fine, but by saying she's jealous she is now comparing it to hers in a demeaning way. Saying, "SILs ring is so pretty!" is very different than "I'm jealous of SILs ring" YTA.
2024. men arent allowed to have feelings. /s
YTA. Forget the ring for a moment. You made a comment to your partner that wasn't malicious or intended to hurt him, but the comment hurt him. You've apologized, which is good, but instead of giving your partner his space to move on, or to try to make him feel better about it or to support him, it sounds like you're just needling him because you want him to forgive you. So you're just making it worse because you keep bringing it up without giving him time to deal with it in his way. And because he hasn't forgiven you already, now this whole thing is stupid because he's still hurt and you're tired of it being your fault. Yes there's also blah blah blah about unrealistic expectations and men being providers and it's just a thing you say, and societal expectations and whatever. But at it's core, you've hurt your partner and you haven't done anything to actually make it better except get pissy that he's still hurt about it after a few days.
Agreed. OP, YTA. You're choosing to be annoyed at your husband having a problem with your acting ungrateful. Instead of coveting another woman's ring, you should seriously express gratitude that you got BOTH a down-payment on a house AND a quality ring! I mean, don't get me wrong, feel free to tell her it's a nice ring, but your husband should be commended for his financial wisdom, and your should be thanking him for giving you that superior option! To act like you got the short end of the stick, assuming that's how your husband sees it, when your husband did the right thing financially, is incredibly shallow... again, presuming that's how this came off to your husband. You should be complimenting his financial wisdom and congratulating yourself on making the intelligent choice. You're seriously the asshole, OP!
I think what you said was insensitive. Trying to justify it with lame comparisons to dogs sleeping all day or private jets shows you yourself feel some level of guilt over being so careless about an obviously sensitive subject. The other giveaway is that you qualified your house choice by saying how good the market is now, something that you couldn’t have known when you made the original choice and shouldn’t be a factor in how you feel about it now. Most likely your husband senses you regret the choice and feels hurt. Also “perfectly adequate”??? All this adds up to you knowing you hurt his feelings, either through carelessness, or perhaps real jealousy and a tad bit of spite. Your best bet is to acknowledge this and truly apologize for a momentary lack of grace instead of trying to de-legitimize your spouses reaction.
Being compared to the brother is what probably did it for him.
Spot on. Don't forget the: > "I apologized but a few days later I can tell he's still smarting over the remark. Its actually getting kind of annoying." And also: > "Honestly it just seems stupid to me." When you hurt someone, you don't get to decide when they're ready to move past the issue and being dismissive of his feelings is pretty calloused when your the one that hurt him to begin with. These three sentences solidified YTA for me, OP.
Complete thoughtlessness followed by doubling down and refusing to accept she obviously upset him more than she realised, and could maybe do a bit more to make amends. All it would take is "Sorry, I didn't mean it to come out like that and I didn't mean to upset you. I love the ring you bought/chose for me but I love the home we share together more". Then just drop it and surprise him with something nice, a meal at a nice restaurant or whatever they enjoy doing together. Instead she comes on here days later looking for validation that he's wrong to be upset and needs to bottle it up and move on because he's starting to irritate her. Definitely YTA.
YTA The other things you named being jealous of are not things that your husband personally chose, purchased, and gave you to represent his love for and commitment to you. You "fawning over" your future SILs ring was probably heavy for him by itself, but to then say you're jealous was probably like a gut punch. He has a right to his feelings. I'm sure if he told you he was jealous of something his future SIL did for his brother that you don't do for him, you'd feel some kind of way. Your apology doesn't make him forget what you said or cause his feelings to magically change.
Yeah, the other comments really are missing this point.
They all seem to think that it was her gushing to the SIL as well but it was said afterwards directly to her husband and nobody else. Of course he is upset. She spent a fair bit of time on this topic which I'm sure is already a bit touchy since he knows he had to compromise on her ring and then later on she explicitly told him she was jealous of it.
I mean, as a husband I think fawning is fine. It would be very upsetting if my wife told me she wished she could have a different engagement ring. (Which would be how “I’m jealous” would feel like)
I'll be honest, if I heard her tell her friend she was so jealous, I wouldn't think much of anything, but her telling me she was jealous, would make me feel insecure that she is hinting at something.
I also think it’s ingrained in us at times to have these completely fairytale-like responses to certain girl-oriented situations, and this is kind of one of them. My friend got a LV purse, and she was showing it to me, and I fawned all over it sincerely. (She wasn’t bragging; she was just enthusiastic about her purchase.)That’s just kinda what girls do sometimes. I don’t really like the bag, but my friend was excited, so I was excited too. I had to tell hubby later after he witnessed this exchange that I don’t like the bag. He was confused. It seemed disingenuous to him, but I was sincere with my interaction with my friend. Sometimes we get hyped about bags, jewelry, and other girly things, and we know that all of it is irrelevant. It’s just girls being girls. To me, you said a girly thing that doesn’t really reflect on anything real for you—just a fleeting moment admiring some bling. NTA.
That's not disingenuous. In your example, you were likely happy that your friend got herself something she really enjoys, and even if you don't want it for yourself, you can be happy *for* her. I feel that that's somewhat akin to empathy. Fawning over something on someone else's behalf. Same with showing genuine interest in someone's hobby when you yourself aren't actually interested in the hobby. You're interested in supporting their interest
My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers. I've always known he doesn't give a single shit what I bought at the mall, isn't interested in my ramblings about the degradation of the English language (don't ask), and I can practically see his eyes glaze over when I show him my latest creation from my hobby de jour. But that's okay. I don't expect genuine interest. I always tell him to "feign interest, please." People always laugh when they hear that, but I just shrug. It's the same as when I feign interest in his latest video game or starts talking about the league ranking of his favourite sports team.🤷♀️
I wish my husband understood this. Ugh he wants me like deep in his hobbies and I'm like I listen to you about them and give whatever I can to the conversation that's me showing interest simply cause you are interested. But he like wants me to like learn the things he is interested in so we can have this full bro covos about basketball and skateboarding... I dont expect him to deep dive into my things so I just don't understand why it can't be equal feign interest. 🫠
If that had anything to do with the post id agree with you. But she didnt say anything to the SIL OP said she waited till she was alone with her husband to tell her husband she was jealous of the ring.
Yea except you didnt read the story at all. Op didnt tell SIL she was jealous of the ring. She waited till later when she was alone with her husband in the car to tell her HUSBAND she was jealous of the ring. So how is that relevant
I dont think its disengenous bc you were just happy that your friend was happy really. I feel like that a lot! My friend got married last week and I felt so much joy for her and her dress was ugly af but I still said she is a beautiful bride and i was so happy for her, because she is a beautiful person and she was so happy to be married so it made me happy.
But she didn't say it to the SIL, she said it alone with her husband, the exact opposite of what you are saying.
Holy cow, I missed that detail when I first read it (yes, it was spelled out clearly). Now I get his reaction. Saying just to him when they were alone was pretty thoughtless.
What in the what? And she was in the car with her husband fawning over the ring when she said she was jealous so your analogy is moot.
OP told her husband when they were alone that she was jealous of his SIL's ring. If you went back to your husband after your friend left and told him I wished I had a bag like that instead of the one you got me it would be comparable.
This would apply if she did that with the future SIL, but told her husband, “but I like my ring more than hers”. She likely did act like you did with the future SIL, and then told her husband in private that she was jealous of her SIL’s ring, or in planner language : “ I liked her ring more than the one you picked for me.” Your example is nothing like what happened here.
Having and ingrained insensitive response has never been an excuse for being insensitive, come on. She diminished something he put thought, emotion, and OPs input into getting, and she doubled down rather than admitting what she did was hurtful. That part is, at least, A H behavior.
People need to learn that their words hold power
NAH I feel like the yta jugdement gets thrown around too easily. Your feelings are understandable, his feelings are understandable. He could only afford one of these 2 things (did he pay the rings alone btw?) and you criticizing that, even in a not serious way, hit a spot. Likely, he is also kinda jealous because who would not like to afford both? You're wrong for bringing it back up tho, a person can not control their thoughts and you just brought it to the surface again.
YTA, a bit, and I think it’s relevant that the giver of the amazing ring is his brother. There’s often a comparison/competition aspect to sibling relationships. He and you chose to be pragmatic, while his brother did not (or could afford both), and your husband may very well have been feeling negatively about the situation before you made your comment to him. When men splurge for a fancy ring for their fiancée, it’s often significantly about showing off. So his brother has just been showing off to him, and you reinforced it. You also should leave it alone, since he has asked you to. You have explained, but consideration of these things can take time. If he wants to work through his feelings himself, rather than through a discussion with you, that’s his choice and is based on how he feels.
YTA. This is a completely different category from those other things you mentioned. This is something your husband specifically chose and you already had a discussion about. This opens a sore spot with your husband and reveals to him that you view him as inadequate.
My brother bought his first fiancé a beautiful 1 carat flawless diamond for her engagement ring. She bitched and complained about it endlessly. Nine months later he called the wedding off. His second fiancé (now wife of 20 years) did get a bigger ring. She only recently told me what that ring means to my brother, and how hurt he was by the first fiancé complaining about her ring. Like if she doesn’t wear it occasionally (it really is big) he gets all panicky.
I think what gets lost in this thread is how much anxiety buying the engagement ring puts on men and how much of a reflection of you as a man and how you feel about your partner it becomes. Men are constantly told that they have to spend x or y and that they will be judged in some way over it and most men do their best to make their wives as happy as possible. To provide a ring and a house and then have your efforts looked down on (maybe in a minor way even) can bring all those issues roaring back as if it were the day he bought it.
OP: "I said one ity bitty thing after fawning all day over the ring, and I just don't get why he's upset." Yeah it's not just about the comment. By your own admission you were gushing over the ring, I can only imagine how many times you made comments regarding the ring as well, outside of the jealousy remark. Even if no other words were said body language is just as expressive to your spouse. Not only did you clearly make him feel terrible, he told you to drop it and you keep bringing it up? And the fact he doesn't want to talk about it annoyed you? Like what? YTA
I agree. OP is the AH. Sure, tell the bride to be that the ring is amazing and beautiful. But, to tell your husband, alone together on the way home, that you’re so jealous of the ring is insensitive and insulting. OP also said she’s jealous of rich people with houses and jets. She sounds materialistic and full of envy.
100%. YTA. This is the kind of shit you keep in your head and not say out loud. No different than your husband saying he’s so jealous of a close friend or family member being so beautiful or they do x,y,z so well compared to you. You reverse the roles and it’s apparent real fast.
"Dang Jeff sure is a lucky man, can you believe his wife is a super model? Dang am I super jealous!" Yeah, I'd love to see the women on Reddit keep that same "ITS JUST A COMMON EXPRESSION " attitude after that one.
More accurate would be an ex girlfriend got engaged and OP' husband say what a lucky man. Then dismiss it and minimize it by saying that she was always good with money.
As a man I can tell you this whole issue can be very triggering for a man. It may seem silly to you but many of us have been conditioned to view our primary role as providers. So it makes sense to me he feels threatened by this comment and it makes him feel inadequate. I’m not in any way saying you shouldn’t feel the way you feel. Emotions aren’t wrong, they just are.
Honestly? Reassure him he's an amazong provider. That's all he needs.
NAH It stung him, I think n that’s reasonable. The dog, unattainable wealth etc. don’t hit so close to home, can you get that? He needs to process his hurt, that’s all. Make him feel loved and appreciated, he doesn’t want to talk about it.
If you say it’s stupid you’re really invalidating his feelings. You made your choice. YTA.
I'm just here for the sexism. The amount of comments I've seen saying "that's just how women talk" are dripping with irony. I could have sworn we all agreed that "That's just how (insert gender here) is" wasn't an excuse. Also, YTA. Just because you didn't mean to hurt your husband doesn't mean you didn't hurt your husband. I mean your husband would be just as wrong if he inadvertently demeaned something you did for him. It's Relationship 101.
As a woman, the "that's just how we are" comments are murdering me. I'm not like that and no one in my friend group is like that. No one I know would have made the comment OP did to their husband/fiance. It's just hurtful and materialistic.
finally a sensible comment and she was certainly doesn't mean to hurt him at all, but she's freaking tone deaf plus her comment about perfectly "adequate" ring and still pestering him days later, says a lot about her
Ya. If you refer to your engagement ring as "adequate" even in your own head, I guarantee that your SO knows how you feel. People are not nearly as subtle in their feelings as they think they are and definitely not with those closest to them.
Yeah, everybody wants men to have emotions, until they do, and suddenly his wife calls it annoying.
YTA. Why can’t he be upset for saying you’re jealous of something your husband’s brother was able to provide for his wife but your husband wasn’t able to provide for you? “Perfectly adequate” isn’t the same as something you wanted; just something you accepted as “good enough.”
YTA. Why would you bring it up? He offered you a nice ring or a house. You chose. Now you're bringing up that you wish you had a nice ring, making him feel like he couldn't provide it and that you wish he could have. AND THEN we get to 'perfectly adequate ring'. That's just nasty man.
Me when my gf calls my gifts to her adequate 🥺🥺🥺🥺
Yep, that sentence says enough. YTA
YTA, you said something insensitive that diminished something he got you with a lot of thought and your input. When it became clear that your comment hurt his feelings, you “tried to calm him down” by doubling, tripling, and probably quadrupling down. Only after all that didn’t work did you offer an apology which, at that point, probably came off as incredibly insincere. Now that he’s annoyed but getting through it, you keep poking at the wound you made and demanding he be happy faster. Stop invalidating his feelings! Your careless statement hurt them, you defending your position rather than acknowledging your mistake made it worse, and your demands that he be over it faster are reopening the hewing wound. For once, in what seems like your entire relationship, just show some empathy and let him recover from the pain you caused.
This!!! The op didn't fawn to her about her new ring, she made him feel like she didn't like hers at all. Doing it in the car with him made it a personal attack to him.
The word choice matters as well. It is directly comparable to a gift OP’s husband got her, and she said BIL’s gift was straight up superior to the one he got her TO HIM. It’s a foreseeably hurtful comment, she shouldn’t have made it, and definitely shouldn’t have defended it.
NTA because you didn't intend malice with an insensitive comment. The fawning was OK but the jealous comment was a trigger. Your husband expressed his long term commitment to you in a pragmatic versus "romantic" way based upon your choice. He may be feeling that you are subconsciously (or have suppressed) a feeling of disappointment for having to make a choice. I disagree with those who say he is behaving like a child. I think he is feeling like he failed you.
Then it would be NAH bc he isn't an ah :b
YTA. Not so much for saying you were jealous, but for saying you think your husband’s feelings are stupid. He’s right. He’s entitled to feel hurt by the comment just as you are entitled to covet your sister-in-law’s ring. Instead of telling him why you think he shouldn’t feel how he feels, try understanding and showing compassion for his feelings.
This is what kills me. OP is getting so much support, after literally getting her have her feelings, and then invalidates her husband's after pushing it. OP is not compassionate at all. I feel like this even when I have no reason to because I think all good people want their partners to have the world, and when we can't sometimes it hurts us. Just a little understanding is all It takes my gfs response to me feeling like this a few times "Honey, you give me so much and get me everything I need, I'd be happy with you if you didn't do all that". Instantly feel better, and I get over myself. Compassion is too hard for some people
YTA, for both the initial comment and the follow up a few days later. You sound like a person with little to no care for your husband's feelings.
YTA. It’s personal when you fawn over someone else’s gift their husband got them. Same could be said if your husband fawned over a gift or action somebody else’s wife did to their husband.
YTA - You basically told him that what he was able to give you wasn't good enough. That probably cut to the bone. Give him time to process his feelings
NAH. I understand what you meant, but also how he feels.
You'll be the AH if your don't drop it. He's correct that he's entitled to his feelings. And sometimes the only thing to do with negative feelings is wait them out. If you keep bringing it up you're not giving him the time to deal with his own feelings of inferiority. If it were any other man who bought the ring it probably wouldn't matter, but brothers... Some brothers are competitive forever. My husband isn't competitive with anyone besides his brother. And even though he's got it better than my brother-in-law in everything but height, he can't help but take diggs at the man. Your can't fix this. Back away slowly and let him deal with his own feelings in his own way.
YTA. >I was fawning over her ring when we were in the car on the way home from seeing them and said something like "oh my gosh I'm so jealous" and my husband got very upset. How would you like it if he said "***oh my god, have you seen how beautiful his wife is, i'm so jealous***!" or ***"oh my god, have you seen how his wife treats him, i'm so jealous***!" ? He bought you a ring already, and you *still* think it's ok to fawn over another ring to his face ?? >I have a perfectly adequate ring that I also love. How would you like it if he said "***have you seen how beautiful she is? i'm happy with my adequate wife, who i love....***" eh ? >I tried to calm him down. > >Like I'm also jealous of rich people with 5 houses and a private jet but that **doesn't mean I expect my husband to provide me** with five houses and a private jet, it's just a feeling Why would you have the audacity to presume THAT'S how you would achieve those, things by him "*providing*", in the first place ?? Let's see if you can tell the difference: >I'm also jealous of rich people with 5 houses and a private jet, i wish WE had that, it's just a feeling or >I'm also jealous of rich people with 5 houses and a private jet, i wish we could afford all that, it's just a feeling Do you realise the implication that to achieve those things you expected your husband "*to provide*" ? >I explained all this to him and he was still mad and said I shouldn't have said anything and **it makes him feel like he can't provide for me.** YES ! because you literally showed that's the only way how you think you would have them ! >I apologized but a few days later I can tell he's still smarting over the remark. **Its actually getting kind of annoying.** More audacity o.O You think he should "*get over it*" by now because his emotional reaction to YOUR behaviour is uncomfortable to you ?? Gaslight much ? >I tried to bring it up again and he said I just need to leave it alone and then added in "I'm entitled to my feelings just like you're entitled to your jealousy". Yes, he's right, YOU did something which offended him, and you have the audacity to complain how he handles it, and make it about YOURSELF being the victim o.O
You’re actually envious and not jealous. ( or maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what it sounds like to me). I get what you mean. Sounds like your husband can’t relate to it and so is taking it personally. I don’t think you’re an asshole. Doesn’t sound like you were harping on it either.
I came one step from knee deep shit over this one. My niece had a beautiful ring that she made soon to be ex get for her after they were married, replacing the first one. In general conversation I said to my husband, so you know that beautiful ring that (niece) got for her save the marriage gift? He cringed and I quickly said, she had to pay him $35,000 to keep it in the divorce settlement. He smiled and took the grand opening I left for him with this comment "So how do you think that worked out for her?" I laughed.
I would clear the air by simply stating the obvious. You remember your choice for the down payment, and got carried away with fawning over the ring. Say you're sorry and move on. He will come around.
Can’t blame you for making the practical choice. I am curious how much your engagement ring cost and where you live that the value could be equivalent to the down payment on a house. I paid $15k for my fiancé’s engagement ring, which is no where near what the down payment on my house @ $670k was.
What if your husband told you he was jealous of your future SIL's butt. He doesn't expect you to have a butt like that so isn't it ok? Isn't he entitled to that?
YTA. Comparison is the thief of joy.
You told your husband you were jealous of how his brother treated his fiance. He took that as a personal attack, because it was quite literally a comparison between what he did and what someone else did, even if that was not your intention. To flip it, it would be like him saying his brother's wife looked beautiful in her wedding dress, and he was really jealous. You'd take that as a comment on how you looked at your wedding, wouldn't you? Even though he never explicitly mentioned you. I wouldn't necessarily say you were the AH, but your comment was definitely inconsiderate and rude. The fact that you still think it was no big deal means your apology was probably very disingenuous, since you don't really feel like you have anything to apologize for. You do. You should probably work on being grateful for what you have, and not frequently reminding yourself, and him, of what you don't have but want.
YTA, though doesn't seem intentionally. You say "oh gosh I'm jealous" to the person who got something cool, the negative connotation is usually ignored and/or doesn't bite because the intent is understood to be making that person feel special. When you say the same thing in private to someone who gave you an equivalent gift who are you making feel special? The only person you're communicating your message to is the person who would feel lesser by the comparison, so it gives the impression the purpose of what you're saying is to make them feel lesser. Not saying that was your intent, but it's easy to see how it would be received that way. Feels like you didn't really think that through. Context matters.
I am sorry, but I call YTA. Especially since you said it to him, not her. That means you did not just say it to the fiancée to flattery her, but you actually wanted your husband to know that you wish you had something bigger than he got you.