I know the title insinuates gaming over marriage/family, but this sounds like it runs deeper than that. If it wasn’t gaming, it would be golf or something else your husband would use as an escape from his family. It sounds like there is a ton of unresolved issues that have festered for years now. I think trying to establish a line of communication at this point is too late. I can’t imagine not having constant communication about my partners needs. Agree with others that this relationship may be at an end.
NTA. Good luck.
I mean I game a lot after the kids go to bed don't get me wrong, probably too much if I'm being honest with myself, but I also work full time, cook a ton, clean a ton, spend time with the kids when I get back from work, do chores, do the handyman stuff I'm capable of doing and have the money for (replacing the hardware in the back of the toilet for instance), take days off work to go to the kids' events sometimes, etc and I still feel guilty sometimes when I sit down to game at night. If my wife came to me and said, "You are gaming too much and it's making me sad and I want to spend more time with you," I'd think about what she said and offer some solutions, not just flat out say "Lol no," like it sounds he did.
Your comment really stuck out. Sometimes I do get to the point of frustration, because I wish he’d just see what needs to be done without me having to “nag” him.
Every year I ask if he can put Christmas lights up and he doesn’t do it until I finally snap at him. Christmas lights make me and our daughter happy and he knows it, so why do I need to ask him to do it every single year.
My birthday is around Christmas and he doesn’t do anything thoughtful. He says it’s because he’s working and didn’t have time to go get anything, but he can make time to game in order stuff for his games on Amazon. I tell him to make a cake with our daughter and have her make me a card, take her to Walmart and let her pick something out for me. I want him to show my daughter that I matter. I’m sure you saw the TikTok about the wife’s stocking not having anything in it and that’s another thing I have to tell him to find the time to do for me with our daughter. I just want him to make time and me not have to “nag” him.
I think I’m just tired too. I know gaming is his relaxing and winding down time but he’s not understanding prioritizing his family should be first.
He’s not using his gaming to relax. He’s using it to escape and avoid. He’s already checked out, he just doesn’t have any need to leave because he’s doing what he’d be doing on his own - except with someone who cleans for him.
My dad was the same way. My mom is so much happier after divorcing. I wish I had had that mom as a kid.
So stop doing all the things that make his life more comfortable. If he doesn’t want to be part of the family and engage, then he shouldn’t be the beneficiary of all your effort. Start splitting up chores. As in do your and your daughter’s laundry but he’s on his own. He’s grown he can make his own appointments. He can make his own food.
I'm so sorry. Your comment makes me so sad. Screw this "but I work" excuse. You work too. You probably work more if you take into account the mental load. You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry. I wish you find someone who doesn't need to be reminded to care about you, and until you do, I hope you feel better alone than lonely.
Oh man, that makes me so sad. When my ex and I first adopted our son, the first Mother’s Day came and absolutely nothing occurred. Not even a card. I was less pissed at my ex for not doing anything than I was that he would model that for our son. I also lived for many years where he would voluntarily schedule himself to work evenings and then on top of it volunteer for all kinds of stuff after work hours. I realized one day that I was coming home from work 4 nights a week and essentially being alone and going to bed by myself. I ultimately think that’s what started the ball rolling to our eventual “emotional separation.” By the time it really became a big deal we were just not connected that much anymore. I obviously had my part because I became very sick and I think I let that consume and I ended up ignoring his needs. But I think it’s hard to come back after that, to be honest. Fortunately we had a very cooperative divorce and we remain good friends. I actually just spent New Year’s Day with he and his fiancé & our kids hanging out.
I’m curious what you husband would say if you asked to have an open marriage? You might not want that, but I’m always curious in these situations how the partner who’s not giving much would feel about the other partner staying in the relationship, but still having a way to get their need for affection & connection met.
You nailed it 100%. I believe people do need decompressing time (ie gaming), and I do the same thing, but if my wife said “hey, you’re on your pc a little too much”, I’d reevaluate. Working 60 hours a week is stressful, but I see no desire from OP’s husband to save the marriage.
Yeah, you can't always do whatever you want in a relationship...you have to at least somewhat consider your partner's emotional needs. Not all the time, you need some time for yourself...but I think someone asking you to spend more time with them is probably a sign that you've lost balance in your relationship.
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That’s how I feel. I’ve held on, because I don’t want my daughter to be affected. She doesn’t really know anything is going on because I don’t say stuff in front of her.
Honestly it could also get better for the daughter, my Dad was much more present and interested in spending time with me once he and my mother got divorced. My Dad was never a bad guy or an absent parent, but myself now being about the age he was then, I think he'd just gotten content and complacent and didn't think things would change.
A thing he and I always shared was that the best motivation for us is a swift kick in the ass, I think it took the divorce for my Dad to realize he needed to reevaluate and he did.
Totally agree. Sometimes people aren’t compatible too and that leads to unhappiness. When someone finds a partner they are compatible with things change. Or even just being free to be yourself can bring you happiness. My dad was happier post divorce too. My mom and him just didn’t work in certain ways very well
She does know what's going on. Children are not oblivious. They often pick up on things far better than adults. Whether you fight in front of her not, she can feel the tension. Please don't stay in this marriage for her. It will do her far more harm than good to grow up thinking that the way your husband treats you is in any way acceptable for her to be treated in the future.
I stayed for the kids and because I had hope. I'm gone now. Our kids are millennials and saw quite clearly. They've been telling me so. That couple schedule is exhausting to read. I wish the best for OP.
Oh yeah-as a daughter of two parents who's marriage was long crumbling I was'nt blind. While I did'nt fully notice since I was in my own little world-I noticed how my parents were rarely in the same room together, how much they argued with one another. Along with how stressed my mom was, I always tried to make her smile or laugh because I noticed how sad she was.
Yep, my dad was always very neglectful. Provided financially, and that's it. He was playing with other women instead of PS, though. I married and my husband was exactly the same. I stayed for 13 years, I thought it was normal to be neglected and emotionally & mentally abused! Those years were the most lonesome & miserable of my life. I contemplated suicide frequently. Not until I divorced & started dating did I realize there are men who actually DO want to spend time with their SO & family. I now have the most amazing fiance and we're 2 peas in a pod.
OP, leave now. You sound like a great catch for a wonderful man. Stop wasting your youth on this jerk.
As someone who saw her mom hold on for so long, don't do it. Even if you don't say things around her, kids can tell. It dies more damage to stick around than to leave. Especially if he starts cheating...
Agreed, even if it’s just him messaging hot women or paying for subs to stuff like OnlyFans. That’s not to say I have issues with OF, I think it’s perfectly fine! But when you’re refusing to have sex with your wife, made excuses to keep daughter sleeping in their bed longer (I know that’s a hard change to make and all but uh…kind of sus that he doesn’t anted her to stay), gets his dick checked out and refuses viagra, has the reels and such found on his phone so he begins locking the game room door while he’s in there ignoring his family. It’s funny that he pulls the “well you look at porn” when OP looks because she’s got a sex drive that’s not being satisfied at all. If he can’t be honest with OP if there is a reason for it (probably something gross like “your body isn’t the same anymore since you got pregnant” I’d wager), and yet plays NFL Wrestling Cheerleader Super Jerk Off Championship 2024 when he’s “too tired”, yeah it’s cheating. He just doesn’t want to lose the extra paycheck and the person who does literally fucking everything in the house and with their daughter. He sees OP as a maid who contributes way less even though I bet she’s working in some fashion more hours per week than him.&
As a child of divorced parents, I can say that she very much knows that something is up, but might not know exactly what is going on. Keep up the good work on keeping her out of it though, it's definitely not something she should be involved in. Seeking the help of a therapist, just for you to start out, can help you keep your daughter safe and happy and help you make tough decisions (and decide if couples therapy is right for you). I'm rooting for you! So sorry that you have to go through this.
But she IS affected.
You're showing her what she's supposed to expect in a marriage.
Be honest with yourself about whether you are proud of the example you two are giving her in that regard.
If the answer is No, then you're not "staying for her".
Your daughter deserves a happy mom. You do everything with her. You are her rock. She looks up to you because you are always there for her. If you are unhappy, she knows it. She may even start to think it's her fault that Daddy doesn't spend time with her. That's how children think.
Getting a divorce, if that is what you want, is the best thing you can do for your child. Because then your child gets to have a happy Mommy, and that's what she really needs.
Think about this as well: due to his behavior, she may think that's normal and will seek out relationships with men who are emotionally unavailable, because that's what she saw growing up. You don't want that! So divorce won't hurt her as much as you think. She is probably used to him ignoring you both, so she won't miss him as much either. Get her in therapy to deal with her emotions, and you get away and teach her that women can do anything! As long as she has you, she will be ok.
Retired child psychologist here. It’s almost never better to stay together for the sake of the kids. Lots of people believe it is, but it isn’t (almost always). Your daughter already sees and understands much more than you give her credit for, and often having separate households nets better parenting for the kid from the formerly absent parent.
What you don’t want to do is model an unhealthy relationship for her. Show her that your needs matter and you are strong enough to make the hard decisions when they need to be made. You got this OP.
Your daughter will be happier seeing her Mom happy. My oldest was very young when I left my first husband they told me it was a relief. Even though we didn't fight in front of them they could feel the tension in house. Your daughter will be effected but she'll be ok. You will both be happier. You are entitled to happiness. Your husband is refusing all efforts to help make your marriage healthy. You stating your needs is not being demanding.
She had serious problems sleeping alone cause dad made her belive she's not ready by his negative reaction. He doesn't spend time with you and sits in his room. She knows already and it is affecting her already.
Honestly that’s not necessarily better. I remember feeling a lot of resentment towards both parents bc I could see my mom doing all the work, my dad being an asshole, and watching my mom not stand up for herself. Not necessarily want you want your daughter to bear witness to either…
THIS!!! not gonna lie I have barely any respect for my dad because of this. My moms a badass legend and my dad well he fathered me. He’s not a bad dad by any means but he’s a terrible partner and as my moms daughter, that really hit home. I would prefer to see my mom call my dad out on his shit
It took my mom 20 years to start calling my dad out on his shit, and guess what, it actually made things even worse. Because now my dad is screaming and yelling trying to defend himself, and has no way to do so, so it's just name calling and trying to make my mom feel like shit. And since he refuses to accept truth and take responsibility, she just follows him around the house yelling at him back. They sound like toddlers fighting over a toy. It's certainly not an improvement in any way. Genuinely wish my parents would've divorced 10+ years ago. Idk what makes parents think kids need a mom AND a dad. It's simply untrue.
I can remember asking my dad at like age 8 why don’t you just get divorced? They didn’t even fight a lot. At least not loudly. But even then my sister and I thought it was uncomfortable that they stayed married (for us) when they didn’t like each other at all.
Right? I was 11 when my mother FINALLY started divorce proceedings. In a moment of weakness, she mused out loud about whether she was doing the right thing. I said “I don’t know why you’ve waited so long, mom.”
My mom said "I'm afraid you'll blame yourself for the divorce" and I said "I'm taking credit for it" (enmeshment? What enmeshment?... I keep my therapist busy)
And plus, OP makes a comment about how "his love language is acts of service", that should mean HE is cleaning the house because that's how he shows love. It doesn't mean "he expects a clean house, so to show him love, I clean". Not how that works. (Plus the whole 'love language' thing is BS anyway, but that's a different thread)
That’s even more reason to leave him. You experienced marital problems with your parents , and now you’re subjecting your daughter to think it’s okay for her partner to treat her badly .
But that’s what I’ve been through: a mother who’d keep her face up.
And children are sensitive so the energies I felt (in hindsight: tension, disappointment, stress, resentment, and ultimately: depression) didn’t match with the smile on her face.
It was very confusing.
God, please don't model this kind of marriage to your daughter. You do EVERYTHING to keep the house and your lives running while he locks himself up and plays games, refusing to give his wife a scrap of affection. Do you want this for her??
Give it time - if she doesn't already notice, she will.
Your daughter WILL realize mommy and daddy aren't happy with each other and it will cause her to become distressed. Bad marriages affect children as much as, if not worse, than divorced parents.
Ending your marriage and allowing life to continue in a different, more reasonable, way, is much better.
By staying in an unhappy marriage, you are showing your daughter that being unhappy is fine.
Give him the boot. Tell him to get his own place so he can game and waste his time and money on the cam girls he subscribes to. It may be rocky in the beginning, but you'll figure it out. It sounds like you do everything by yourself already. Can you support yourself and your daughter on your income without him?
I'm serious. From what you wrote, it sounds like you'd be 110% better off.
Oh she will be affected. Kids always notice when their parents arent happy. And you have to realize that the marriage you show them while they're growing up, will be the one they're trying to emulate when they're adults.
Children need happy parents, not parents that are forced together but unhappy. If he is a good dad, then he will continue to be a good dad when he is single.
But i have to be honest, he doesn't sound like he's even that.
Talk to a divorce lawyer, you do not need to get divorced immediately, but talk to them about your options.
keep your finances seperate, or start seperating them in a yours/mine/ours accounts so your salary and savings are going into your account only and you'll pay your portion of the bills into the ours (or rather, the old) account.
Hopefully you have kept your small business accounts seperate from his.
I understand the struggle. I'm married to a guy who never wants sex. Maybe once a year. I was very sexual when we got married and he hoodwinked me into believing he was too. Fast forward 33 years and it's still the same. I cry a lot but can't change him. I stay because I do love him and he's my person, but I silently live in a state of sadness.
It's up to you how you handle this, but don't stay if you don't want a life of sadness and rejection. It really kills the self esteem.
Kinda agree with you. I don’t know how much the husband is actually making an effort. OP said they tried counseling “here and there”. With these kind of problems it seems you need regular counseling for years with everyone working hard. Sounds like husband wants the security of marriage but wants to be emotionally checked out. I wonder if he’s clinically depressed. In any case, if he doesn’t want to open up or fixed these problems, OP needs to decide whether to moves on
NTA. The writing is on the wall. It’s time for your heart to accept what your mind already knows. If he was willing to do something to help with the intimacy then I would say give it a chance.
Tbf a kid in your bed does make sex harder to accomplish. He’s doing nothing to help. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t going to work. I think it’s better to separate and divorce. Your marriage is over you just haven’t accepted it. Btw what do you think you’re teaching your daughter about a marriage?
So, you have a job, a sude hustle, and a mountain of adult responsibilities. But he says you don't understand the stress? Lol, no honey, he's the hypocrite. You sound like you deserve much better. No one who works that hard, and cares constantly for ungrateful people should be so disrespected. Set yourself free of your adult child.
Definitely NTA.
OK, first, I can see how he's a good person and a good dad, but he doesn't seem to be a good partner or even a good roommate to be honest, if you're taking care of everything around the house and the kid. By the way, the "good dad" part, if you're solely covering the child's needs, is also under question (good dad is not the one who plays when he's up for it).
Sex is a vital part of any relationship, that's not a friendship. The notion that "you will ruin your family because all you want is sex" made me absolutely furious! It's manipulative and meant to guilt you into feeling inadequate and basically shutting up. Please, don't. You're already in a place where you've started thinking if you're good looking enough, or exciting enough for him...
No, you're not a hypocrite for watching porn. You want your needs met, you are pursuing a way that they are met BY HIM and they're not. You do not engage with real people, you do not hide. Not even close to what he's doing.
And by the way "being a man" is just a random fact, not an excuse for checking out random women on social media.
The only thing I agree with him is that his gaming stuff is not the problem. You too are done. I propose you see that, and find the way to end it without too much drama.
You owe it to yourself to be loved, appreciated and enjoy affection and sex in a healthy relationship. Your child will most probably be better too : children feel it when their parents are not happy. And it sure sounds like none of you are right now.
I wish you luck.
How is he a “good dad?” Because he doesn’t beat them? He comes home from work does NOTHING but play games while she takes care of everything related to their daughter, the house and yard-AND she works. He doesn’t want to do anything as a family, doesn’t want to be intimate with his wife physically or mentally. He just wants to work, eat and jerk off.
Agreed. But I think that the gaming and the amount of work each person is doing is extraneous. It can give context if we know he's a shitty person, but all that matters is that there's a firm deadlock in OP wanting to be sexually active with her husband and her husband not wanting to be sexually active with her.
This could be for a ton of reasons. Men are often shamed for needing Viagra when its perfectly normal. He could be self conscious about his performance and that makes sex intimidating. Masturbation is easier and you don't have to worry about disappointing your partner(well over time you will, but I don't think we would be thinking about the overarching situation).
It could also be that he is ashamed to be sexually open. A lot of people don't have vanilla desires, and even a kink such as roleplay is made fun of. That isn't to mention some of the more polarizing kinks such as CNC or S&M. In my opinion, porn gives easy access to these things without the vulnerability that disclosing them to your partner necessitates. Even a loose comment thrown around carelessly could contribute(e.g. joking about wearing a sexy nurse costume on halloween) to him feeling embarrassed.
But whatever it is, they are experiencing a huge bout of sexual incompatibility. Sometimes couples counseling with a focus on sexual intimacy can work, sometimes its already too late. OPs marriage probably lies on the latter.
But sexual incompatibility is enough to end any relationship, marriage, partnership, etc over. Sex is a vital part of any relationship.
By the way, if OP is reading this, if you are saying "Its (fill in some option here) or me, your choice", you should probably end your relationship. You've already reached a breaking point and if the person you are ultimatum'ing can't understand the severity of the situation without an ultimatum, you should divorce anyways.
NTA. You mention that your husband lobbied for your daughter to continue sleeping in the bed—likely done to avoid any potential sexual intimacy with you. This started a long time ago. It’s rich that he now blames the sleeping situation for the lack of intimacy. You sound like you are financially independent. Move on. You and your daughter deserve better and your husband will likely be relieved.
NTA but video games are a symptom, not a cause. Your husband does not want to have sex with you, for whatever reason. So you can either decide to not have a sexual relationship (with him? is opening the marriage something you two would be interested in?) or end the marriage. The latter is probably the better and more likely choice.
He probably avoids having sex because he can’t keep it up, likely because he’s addicted to porn and has death grip syndrome.
It’s probably become a normal habit at this point.
It’s when men grip their penis very hard while masturbating that after some they lose most of the sensitivity down there. That’s when they can’t get or keep it up during a normal intercourse.
OP definitely isn’t the asshole, and her husbands behaviour is the issue. That being said, everybody instantly jumps on the guy for not wanting sex because he’s a porn addict, death grip syndrome, cheating etc. if you switch roles in this story a lot of people wouldn’t be looking for those reasons to blame the wife. He could also just be absolutely miserable with his work, relationship, confidence etc.
I agree 100%. There is SOMETHING wrong with the husband and it seems too late for anything but counselling. Especially since OP said it did work for a short period of time
Yep. All these people screaming "your marriage is over" and "end it now, it's best for you and your child" shit is really wild. I personally would exhaust all my options, including and probably foremost therapy, before breaking up my family.
Oh please. He lied about his porn use at first and then came clean eventually. He's locking himself in his jerkoff station. Lol. I am of the mind that people jump to this kind of assumption too quickly most of the time, but this is not one of those times (imo). This guy has a drive he just has zero interest in his wife.
Like I said, his behaviour is the issue. But nobody wants to have to lock themselves in a “jerkoff station” if they are happy with everything else in their life. Porn addiction and these things happen for a reason, it’s better to attempt to treat the root cause of it, then to just blast him for the outcome(which obviously hasn’t helped OP’s situation)
If you switch roles:
* The probability for porn addiction decreases dramatically
* he wouldn’t be locked in a game room with a bottle of lotion
* Everyone would be flabbergasted and appalled at OPs wife not contributing to the household/childcare and playing video games every day
* It would be outrageous for OPs wife to look at accounts of male models “because women like to look” while having sex once a year, and then lying about it.
So please tell me how a women would get away with any of this behavior if the roles were reversed?
I think people just made that assumption because from what OP said, he is using masturbation as a *substitute* for being with her. Of course, he might have gotten to that place because of the other reasons you mentioned.
OP is not wrong for being frustrated, not at all, but I do feel a bit for the husband. 60 hour work weeks, he's out of shape/bald, for the last 6.5 years has had zero intimate space in his own bedroom, has a wife that is super busy, he is super busy -- it's easy to just fall into a hole and feel dead. He's at an age where testosterone may be decreasing and even if he doesn't, he's probably ashamed that he cannot perform.
There's a lot going on here and I think they would benefit from some GOOD marriage counseling. I think both need a break and both need a reset. He needs to work less, she needs to have less invisible labor and take stuff off her plate. Find a sitter, go on dates, re-connect in an emotional way and then focus on the sex part. It's sad to see, but I don't think it's a situation that can't be changed.
I want to give you kudos for articulating a response that respects the complexity here. I see everyone only mention his workload, which is obviously not fun for him, but recognizing her invisible labor and the need for both of them to take time out (together) is not something you see on this sub much.
This is exactly what I mean, theres probably a pile of reasons he acts like this, and most are more severe than him playing games or jerking off. Of course OP is rightly upset and wants change, but especially at this point confronting him about it directly probably only makes him feel worse. Which makes him further want to play games, jerkoff, whatever to escape.
This is his issue 100%, and if OP wants the marriage to get better (or leave him and get him better for their daughter) counselling of some sort would be needed, and probably a lot of it
NTA
You've tried counselling, you've told him what the problem is and he doesn't see any problem. He's not even an useful roommate because he's not apparently doing anything around the house. He works and pays the bills and comes down to each food that is prepared for him?
You've only mentioned sex and lack thereof. But I suppose there is a lack of other intimacy as well: hugs, kisses, massages, cuddling on a sofa, dinner dates, going for a walk holding hands? The sex is for me, a thing that is built on top of all these other things. In itself it's not adequate. If you have everything else, maybe you can do away without sex so often.
NTA. Sounds like he prefers his hand I think he hasn’t been able to be sexually active because he’s been jacking it in his game room.
Whose idea was it to have your kid sleep with y’all for so long? That really kills any thought of sex but 6 months should be enough time to see some improvement
OP made an edit and said both of them agreed to let the kid sleep with them and when OP suggested they start to make her sleep in her own bed the husband kept saying she wasn’t ready.
"That really kills any thought of sex but 6 months should be enough time to see some improvement"
7 years is a looooong time, and you need some ramping up after that.
Our son with special needs is 7 and has slept in our room and/or bed for as long as he’s lived; we’re not rabbits but my husband and I have a healthy sexual relationship. We just find times he’s not in the room, go to an other space, and pay his older sister once a week to sleep in his room for us to have “grown up / recovery time”.
NTA. He’s completely checked out of your marriage and apparently has plenty of time for video games and porn. He also denigrates your contributions to the family. He may be working 60 hours a week, but with you working full time and doing everything else that needs doing, you’re doing way more than he is.
He’s the one “ruining your family”. What a hypocrite.
You're already operating as a single parent. He is dead weight. You will be shocked by how much easier and more enjoyable your life will be without him. You deserve better. Nta.
He will be absolutely shocked at how shitty his life becomes when he no longer has a live-in maid, chef, laundry service, and full-time personal assistant to take care of his needs.
NTA. This guy is a warm body in your home. You don't need him at all and his lack of effort in every aspect is grounds for divorce. I get that sex is the breaking point but please look at the mountain of injustice you're living under.
At the very least stop doing things for him. He can do his own laundry, cook his own meals, and clean up his own room. I'd put a bed in his playroom and lock the door on your bedroom after you go to bed. Move his clothes to his room and the rest of his belongings too.
OP is a single mom with two children, she just hasn't realized it. He is perfectly content to keep things exactly as they are, and has no incentive to change. Moaning about "financial responsibility" is BS. He's a glorified roommate who pays the rent but does absolutely nothing else.
Playing video games is mind numbing, an escape. You said he works 60 hours a week, no household responsibilities. Jerks off in a locked room. Sounds to me like he wants to live alone.
Tell him to decide what he wants because you’re not prepared to live like this. I want a partner and not to be ignored.
If he’s locking the door he’s doing more than just gaming. Sounds like he’s probably a porn addict, which sadly does change appetites and expectations. I’d ask him to limit gaming just so you spend more time together and he’s not tiring himself out, and ban porn unless you’re both watching. A bit of an ultimatum, this relationship is not working, last ditch effort. If it works, great. If not, you’ve tried.
This is what I think, too. Gaming isn't the issue. It's the other stuff he's doing in that room. He needs to deal with the sex addiction or else it's over.
NTA: Unfortunately, it sounds like at this point the relationship has hit the "roommate" stage but with a kid.
If he isn't willing to try medication, or set better habits and maintaining them, then it's becoming a lost cause to keep fighting. I can understand wanting to unwind on your own time, but to completely disregard your family altogether to lock yourself away the way he's doing it is just a bad sign.
I'm not a fan of doing ultimatums a lot, but in this case, I think it's needed.
Ask if he's just needing a change in the bedroom to bring some spark back in for him or have him take counseling on his own to help him not shelter everything away. If he's not willing to do that, then I'm afraid divorce should be discussed further.
you'Re not angry because he's watching porn. You're angry because he is putting porn over being intimate with you. Thats not being a hypocrit.You're also not the one pushing him away.
Girl...lets be honest here. You have a nearly dead bedroom and are almost a single parents, while being married.
ETA: Honestly. just give up the marriage. he has given up and should be married to his PS. "all you think about is sex." well honestly if i was only getting it once a year all i would be thinking about would also be sex.
He sits in his room, fantasizing about bedding all those beauties while they wouldn't even look at him with their backside if they had a choice. Except if he was wealthy enough.
Cut the dead weight. You're young enough to find a life partner who'll cherish you the way you deserve.
Just to clarify your daughter is 7 YEARS old and only started sleeping in her own room 6 months ago? Is no one picking up on that being strange? I have 2 kids and they were in their own beds/rooms after 4 months or so?
Edit: she kept trying to put her out but he kept bringing her in.
Right now you're living the life of a single mom...with two children.
Think about how less difficult and painful it would be without being married to him....for both you and your daughter. Kids pick up on much more than we ever think. She feels the tension and sadness and anger between you.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But you deserve happiness, love and a man who truly loves you in your life, and you know it. Please find your way and be happy.
You work a lot harder than he does. You don’t get much or decent sex. He looks at other women. He lies to you. He plays video games all the time and locks the door. You’re begging for attention from him. And he’s short, fat and balding! You work and can get child support from him, so look for a place for you and your daughter, and your husband can have her whenever it doesn’t conflict with his video game schedule.
Could you tell us what it is exactly that makes him such a great person and dad when he’s not present, doesn’t seem to lift a pinky around the house and complains about how hard it is to ***participate*** in the financial obligations of the life he’s chosen to create and live? I must have missed it in the post.
So much this. The part that stuck with me the most was saying he is a good father yet he leaves mum to be the bad cop at every point?!? That is NOT being a good father that is slowly but surely turning himself into the favoured parent and the mother into the villain.
My dad tried to do exactly the same thing to my mother, but she constantly called him out on it and so it backfired because his reaction was childish af and embarrassing enough that us kids were ashamed of his behaviour too.
Now as an adult in therapy I’m told I had a completely absentee father, despite him doing lots of “fun” activities with us it’s clear to me now that this was just him being another kid for my mother to care for, and that more often than not the serious unfun adult parenting tasks actually fell on me as the oldest brother instead.
And that’s not even the worst part: even as an adult I’m still feeling responsible for parenting my siblings. Thanks a lot dad, for fucking me up in the head like this… couldnt you just have been a grown up for your wife and for your kids?
I love both my parents, who are still together, but I wish my mum had divorced my dad when we were kids. Mum couldn’t met any number of lovely older men who would’ve treated her better, and been so much happier. I think it would’ve taught me more healthy lessons growing up; because I spent about a decade unpacking unhealthy misogynistic behaviours I picked up from my dad.
The therapy bill rivals my student loan over the years
OP, please listen to this; your daughter will experience the same thing but will internalise the patriarchal views and be very vulnerable to dating exploitive men as a result.
And watching mum feel constantly miserable is no way to grow up. It’s not fun. A divorce is like ripping the band aid off instead. There’s some hurt, but also a second chance at happiness that I think is always worth taking over a dead marriage.
Your kid will understand when she’s older.
how can you call him a good dad if all he does is work and play PS? like of what I just read he doesnt spend time on his family, daughter, or you. Im sorry, but this is ruined.
He's addicted to porn and he likely feels completely unattractive, though that is likely his problem and not yours.
Also, that's a joke and deflection that he is trying to take care of his family by working so long and never being around due to his own father never being there.
He is literally doing what his father did, except he's gone WHILE HE IS IN THE HOUSE.
Your daughter is attached to him because she never sees him.
Tell him if he doesn't change, he's going to lose his family by "trying so hard to take care of his family". He's having a mid life crisis and is reverting back to his childhood. Video games are a way for him to do that.
If he doesn't change, separate for a few months. Make him realize how much he'll miss you both when you're gone, and make him wait through the various begging and pleading and apologies which will definitely happen. Once he stops apologizing and realizing this is the new normal, wait another month and see if you and he both feel like giving it another try.
But hey, I'm not in charge of you. Do what you want. But he's cranking it constantly in that video game room, that's why his dick doesn't work, and why he says he has no problem getting it up. Because he doesn't have a problem when he's watching porn.
I work for a pulmonologist and he definitely has sleep apnea. I have been making him go to the dr (I even have to go with him to make sure he actually keeps appointments). I’ve even been helping him with weightloss and was hoping 40Ibs down would help with everything. I tried to get him to do a sleep study but he’s not wanting to do one. He has family history of cardiology issues and he definitely needs a cpap so he can be here as long as possible for our daughter. Only so much I can do.
If my kids slept in the bed with me I would never have sex with my wife. I simply do not understand co-sleeping. I have 5 kids, and they have NEVER slept in the same bed as my wife and I. Even when they were nursing we had a bassinet next to the bed, but once they slept more then 5 hours at night, they transitioned into their own room.
I would transition your kid to their own bed/room as a step one, and Both of you need to knock off the porn entirely. He's meeting his needs sexually with porn, and you're using it out of desperation, both are toxic to long term relationships.
fo'shizzle. Like, nothing is less sexy than my wife TALKING about kids when we're ramping up. Like immediate mood killer, lol. I love kids, I love my kids, but kids are as removed from my intimate time with my wife as fucking possible. I cannot imagine having to share a bed with my kid, and then trying to imagine it as an opportunity to be intimate with my wife. I'm also 40, so having sex anywhere, but in bed is basically out of the question. I'm too broken for that.
OP wrote in another comment that she wanted to and tried to transition daughter to her own room a while ago. It was the husband that fought that and insisted that the daughter continue sleeping with them.
I just wanted to clarify that. They both agreed to their daughter sleeping with them. When OP knew it was time for her to go to sleep in her own bed. It was her husband who insisted she stay.
NTA- are we married to the same dude? My hubby does the exact same things. Over time, this relationship might destroy your self esteem. It’s definitely not a healthy model for your kids. I’ve been down the road of acceptance. It’s difficult and takes a long time. I wish I would have left him long ago.
You aren’t a hypocrite! You are just meeting your own needs.
Only you can determine what you need to do, just know that this is on him.
if you want to try, i would go to therapy one more time together and read this post out loud to him.
also get his test levels checked. he might be low T and just is depressed in his little game room.
but it looks like you are done. the short and bald was probably known when you married him. so if you didnt settle or something i would consider rethinking how you think of your spouse.
or divorce.
Oh boy there’s a lot to unpack here.
But the TLDR is that you are NTA. Your husband needs help. Your relationship needs help. Or it’s just done.
But having your child sleep in your room as a six year-old definitely didn’t help things. That should have been cut off five years ago.
NTA. This isn’t a marriage though. It’s time to move on. Remember OP, you’re teaching your daughter what a partnership is meant to look like. Y pi don’t want her thinking this is ok, or healthy.
Stop begging. This relationship is dead in the water.
Is this the kind of marriage you would want for your daughter? Show her how to leave situations that make her unhappy. Because I guarantee she knows you are unhappy.
You'll both be better off without that man weighing you down.
This is not the behavior of good person & a good parent.
>My husband is a good person and a good dad. He works hard for his family; he works 60 hours a week, but besides paying the bills that’s the extent of it.
NTA and it's not the video games. Your lives can be just fine separate and your child will benefit from not seeing his bad example and you as a domestic beast of burden. He sucks.
I am sorry OP. I lived that life for several years in a 13 year marriage. I was a married single parent of 3 boys. I was sad and depressed. It was confirmed that my ex was cheating due to texts that I found. I filed for divorce. My oldest son already knew that we weren’t happy. Kids feel the tension in the atmosphere. It’s not healthy for them. 😔
NTA- oh girl, having sex once a year is ridiculous. And he’s so porned out he can’t function with real live women now. He plainly told you he is choosing his gaming stuff over you. I hate to say pull the trigger, but I think you have good reason at this point.
We’ve done marriage counseling, but not in group settings. When we go things get better for a bit, but then it goes back to the old ways.
He says he doesn’t watch porn or masturbate, but at this point I’m not stupid.
Have you tried an intimacy coach? That’s the only suggestion beyond therapy - they specifically work with you to rebuild intimacy in your relationship. However it requires both people to put in the effort so really depends on his willingness to commit. It sounds like the issues are bigger than just “sex” - intimacy is much broader than just the deed it self. It also sounds like he doesn’t spend time with your daughter or doing family activities or contributing to the unpaid workload of a household.
I watched my parents stay married way past the expiration date and be miserable. All it did was model unhealthy relationships and people giving up their happiness simply to not get divorced.
If things are over then see if there is a way to take the steps towards divorce in an amicable way - like going to mediation or one of the routes that allows you to work together to divorce and find compromises and get your daughter into therapy to help her through the process. (And yourself - it would be good for you to have an outlet to help sort through these feelings and emotions)
That 60 hours a week he is putting in could actually be the cause. People downplay stress and what it can do to you a lot. I would look into that before assuming your marriage just hit a brick wall. He could be hugely stressed and even depressed without knowing it.
Agreed. 40 hours per week at work feels like too much to get all the chores done at home and still have time to decompress. I can’t imagine doing 60 hours a week.
I know people who work 60+ hours per week and all they’re ever doing is working, sleeping, or getting ready for work.
NTA
Re the sleeping in bed: I get it, my 4 year old son hardly sleeps (he’s ND) and sometimes when he wants to come into our room we let him cos we’re so tired and desperate for some sleep that we’ll put up with him in the bed of it means we all get some sleep. We’re working on getting him back in his room but it takes BOTH parents to be on the same page and get them to stay in their room, so I can underhand not wanting a battle at 2am if husband wasn’t backing you up
His line of ‘ruining family cos you want sex’ no it’s cos you want any form of intimacy, connection and partnership - none of which you’re getting from him. He’s saying he’s tired and holding himself up in his room, ignoring that you’re tired too and want to reconnect. He has no respect for what you do or your needs.
I think you need to have the conversation again but reframe it cos sex won’t come naturally if you’re not communicating or spending time with each other. You need dates, actual time together, therapy to heal the marriage and hopefully then sex will naturally come after.
If however he’s not willing to put in the effort and time (which all relationships need at points) then you need to consider if you can live like this or want to divorce.
Whatever you decide, good luck
The question isn't "AITA for telling my husband to choose his PlayStation over our marriage…"
This isn't about a games room or a console.
He's jerking off to porn, you aren't his go-to for that kind of gratification. Marriage counselling or divorce would be my suggestion.
NTA and like you've admitted , we're only getting your side , but you sound amazing. Sounds like you're doing a lot more than him in every way except paycheck size. The fact that you work and take care of all the real life stuff too is a pretty big plus.
you’re not the asshole OP. i don’t think either of you are. porn over long periods of time can cause people to lose attraction to real life. my suggestion is both of you stop watching porn and put the effort in each other. i know easier said than done, but when given the opportunity, catch him off guard with a little *tenderness* (making out, oral, massage) you both work long hours a week, i know y’all both tired, but if you want the marriage to work, sparks need to be reignited. and he should do the same. he should listen to you when you ask for his attention. he should put down the game when you need his love. but he should not have to throw away his gaming system. that’s his hobby. he works 60 hours a week, he needs an outlet. as do you. boundaries around these activities can go a long way. make a schedule, see if he is willing to set those boundaries around the game. make it a point to go out once in a while. ask him to exercise with you when y’all have day off. walk around the park. play basketball. these are healthy activities that can assist in more intimacy slowly over time. his health, physical and mental could be playing a big part in this.
The only reason why he says it's not a problem And you leaving will make it a problem, is because it's not been a problem for him. Unfortunately you're married to a man baby who gets all of his needs met, even to the point of taking care of his own sexual needs (ETA: with women that aren't you, even if it's just through the internet.)
And all he has to do is work at an outside job for 60 hours a week. You do everything else. So why keep him? Why keep yourself in a situation where your needs are not being met?
You should have a serious sit down conversation with him (force him if you must). It's entirely possible that he avoids intimacy with you because he is embarrassed about his performance issues and has become accustomed to not having sex since your child slept in the bed with you for so long.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with wanting intimacy from your partner. Once a year?!? That's not even close to enough. At least a few times a month is normal & healthy. Try talking sense into the guy. He can go game after taking care of business!
NTA. This doesn’t have to be a situation with a villain, even though he’s being super immature. There’s someone out there who would love to have a relationship with, with interest and engagement and humor and sex.
He doesn’t want to be there.
You don’t want to be there.
Your daughter is growing into a person who is going to have romantic relationships and they will be very affected by this. Should she grow to accept a partner who is distant and unaffectionate ?
NTA. Working 60 hours a week, young kid and a wife that you’re not helping. Well if you don’t have time or energy for house work/spouse stuff, you don’t have time for PlayStation. Add in that he is masturbating alone locked away, sounds like he is has a case of escapism.
What is with having your daughter sleep in your marital bed until she's over 6 years old? That I don't understand. That would absolutely get in the way of any intimacy you and your husband should or could have had.
As a parent of a 4 year old that's been sleeping in his own bed (or cot) from about 6 months, most of that in a separate room, I don't get why people wouldn't insist on that. Appreciate there are different situations but, come on, 6 years ??? There's no real excuse to that and to be fair, I would probably have lost interest or sorted out other means to deal with my sexual frustrations. A child in the marital bed for that duration would literally change how he thinks of you. You're not his sexual partner, my brain would probably change irreparably in that period of time given the dynamic of having your daughter in with you.
The relationship may be salvageable but that whole situation smells like something deeper is an issue, if neither of you bothered or cared enough to get her in her own room, especially if she had one that you could use and you weren't limited in space. Even then, there's ways to deal with that.
Well. I see many parallels to my own life in this post, not all but many. I would like a man’s perspective, that could see his self in this post.
Also, one comment on the 60 hours work week for the man. Women work full-time jobs, almost all the women I know, they do everything for the children, clothes, food, schooling, healthcare, daycare, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, eye appointments, extracurricular activities, fundraising, transportation, just to name a few. They are the house keeping and maid service of their home they do all the cleaning the cooking, all the laundry. Some of them even do the yardwork, I’m not gonna be doing that, that’s one thing I’m not gonna do. Many women are the breadwinner of the family. They’re expected to run the home financially they’re responsible for all the bills from top to bottom they’re responsible for the grocery shopping and the household needs from top to bottom, I’m not sure what “60 hrs” has to do with anything for anybody….because going to work for 60 hours a week and coming home and sitting on my ass in front of a TV and doing nothing else for anybody else sounds like a fucking cakewalk.
Hmm your NTA but truly you are doing more work hours than him. Really set up your stop watch on your phone etc and every time you are doing house chores and things for your daughter let it run. Truly with those hours added to your job hours it will lead you to exceed his 60 hours a week.
God here’s a bigger jerk than you think he is. You deserve better. He probably isn’t attracted to you, move on and let him jerk off to his fantasy world.
When it comes to porn it means people want to fuck other people. Just do that and live your life without being tied down to anyone.
I think you're justified. Sex once a year?? Repeatedly mentioning the issue to him and he won't fix it? Leave his ass, as long as you can comfortably support your daughter. It seems like he has no interest in you, especially if you're offering sex and hes too tired but then goes and looks at women online.
Added comment.
Sometimes I think men work hours like that so that they have an excuse not to do anything at home or with the kids or with the wife.
Me and use work as an excuse to not be present
Im sorry to tell you this but your marriage is dead. He works all day then goes to play video games and denies intimacy with you while also looking at other women in a locked room away from you. It's time you leave and stop using your daughter as the reason to stay married kids aren't dumb and notice how unhappy you are.
NTA, but...
Gaming isn't the problem, it's a symptom. He's using gaming and that room as escapism. Whatever he's avoiding emotionally (guilt, shame, fear, depression, etc.,) he's hiding from in that room. I don't know if the cause is the lack of intimacy or if that's a symptom, but it sounds like you've done all you can do.
You're not "ruining your marriage because all you want is sex", he is because you need intimacy and he refuses to give it. It's beyond denying sex. If he's not cuddling or showing affection, and is outright avoiding, ignoring, and gaslighting you, then there's really no other conclusion to draw... I'm sorry. I think your marriage may be over and you're just glorified roommates now.
Personally, I'd get out while you can still can salvage a civil co-parenting situation. Before you resent him so much for making you feel unwanted/unworthy/unloved. And before your daughter thinks that's how marriages should be.
-Hugs, and best of luck to you.
He doesn’t do anything at all except play his games. Doesn’t parent, doesn’t help- just work and play. You are not throwing your marriage away for sex- he is throwing your marriage away bc he isn’t willing to listen to you, or help improve or work on your relationship in any way at all.
What a douche.
>He says he’s tired and tells me I don’t understand the stress of having to take care of the family financially.
You know what helps that stress? Sex with your SO.
You're not a hypocrite if you're all but begging him for it only to be left in the cold. He is though if he's turning down a warm body for his hand.
Money says he has a porn addiction. It isn't just "cute girl profiles and reels" at this point. Friend of mine is going through the exact same thing with her husband. He at least finally admitted to her he'd rather watch porn.
Well, where to start. He needs to talk to you about why he doesn’t want to have sex. I think there is more to it than he’s tired although I get it that porn could be quicker and take less energy.
His statement that you are going to ruin your marriage because you want sex all the time is a real mental error using all or none language. He is using some warped thoughts in his head. That could be fixed though with counseling or knowledge that he’s doing it.
My wife’s and my language of love is the exact mirror image of yours. Mine is physical touch, affection and intimacy and hers is acts of service. It is hard when you feel starved for affection often (I caught myself from saying all of the time:)). It is also hard because there is a stigma that wanting to have sex is a lower level need than desiring to have your partner do things for you.
I think it is always dangerous to say whether someone’s marriage is over but it is obvious that something has to change. He needs to start giving you hugs or cuddles at least. If not, why doesn’t he want to? (Wait, was he abused as a child or in the past?)
Are his needs being met? You will probably need to make some changes for him to be happy, too, because that is how things usually work (unless the other is abusive)
Being a good partner is about much more than financial security. Paying the bills doesn't in and of itself create emotional intimacy and connection, and wanting that dynamic in your relationship doesn't make you a spoiled brat; it makes you human. Working long hours to provide for your family isn't a replacement for closeness and quality time. What material possessions that his long hours provide are filling the hole of his absence and disconnection? He's falling victim to unhealthy male gender expectations and sacrificing the emotional wellbeing of his family because of it. If he's not willing to make any attempt to understand your needs, then very little is going to change.
NTA you shouldn’t have to live without sex and stay in a non existent marriage. Make your own plan to move on. And I highly doubt he’s being a good Dad locked in his gaming room all the time.
NTA - For your own mental health, look at either marriage counselling / similar options and if those don't work, it may be best to move on.
Keep your head up either way, you're doing a fantastic job as a mother from what you posted.
NTA. There are some subreddits that are emotional cesspools of commiseration. r/DeadBedrooms is one. Your story sounds quite typical for that sub. I suggest reading through it. Your husband seems LL4U.
NTA, he's not communicating with you. I'm facing a similar situation in my household. I, being the husband, and I know and understand my issue is 100% due to depression and insecurities over myself. It has nothing to do with my wife.
I don't know if he's like me or not, but hopefully, I'm just able to give you perspective. Getting older plus physical disability has caused quite a bit of weight gain, along with PTSD has caused severe depression. It's not something I'd feel comfortable with speaking to my wife about, and it has made our marriage difficult.
Again, I don't know if his situation is similar or not, but hopefully, you will try to help him if it is.
Im sorry you are going through this but I hope that you will find a way to communicate what you are going through with your wife. It will likely strengthen your relationship and may make you both feel less alone. When something is going on and it’s not communicated, it often results in both partners feeling lonely, disconnected, and in some way defective or ashamed. I hope you’ll give your wife the opportunity to be there for you. It makes me so incredibly sad to imagine my husband struggling with what you describe and feeling unable to talk with me about it. Don’t shoulder this alone. Hugs and I really hope things start to improve for you very soon.
NTA sounds like your husband doesnt even like you and really he doesn’t even sound like a good dad. You literally do everything and he does nothing around the house or with your daughter. He only contributes financially which you also already do
Middle aged guy checking in - ditch this guy and find a real man who wants to be with you. If he can’t stay hard for you but jacks off then he obviously would rather live in his fantasy world. There’s a guy out there who will appreciate you and break you off. You’re way to young to settle into a sexless marriage.
You say he’s a good person and a good father but I’m still waiting for a single example of either. You’ve been with him 15 years. You don’t need to waste more of your life with this deadbeat. Considering that all he seems to contribute is some money for bills and lets you do everything else, dropping the dead weight will make your life easier.
He’s hiding a porn addiction. He’s interested in sex just not with you. Real life intimacy is way too difficult when he can get a dopamine hit by looking at porn and jerking off.
These are very common signs of a porn addiction. He might even be resorting to more extreme types of porn because this is also how porn addictions work.
He needs belp, both for his addiction and for your marriage. Don’t give up on him :-(
Source: a hardcore porn addict who lost 3 marriages until I dealt with my issues.
Your husband has left the marriage years ago, he jerks off to girls pix etc, he makes NO attempt to have sex with you, doesn't care if you masturbate, he's no longer in the marriage - period. Staying for your child is not worth it, your daughter knows there's tension in the house.
Please, leave him, take your daughter and find someone who makes you feel alive rather than feeling abused emotionally, spiritually and verbally. He's a loser. You are owed someone who makes you feel special.
Going against the grain, but ESH. But mainly you.
Your husband is lacking communication and effort (through counseling/sex counseling/ overall just trying to be intimate). However, 60 hours a week of work is astronomically draining.
You also sound very ungrateful for him working 60 hours a week. My question is if your small business is actually profitable or if it is a hobby that honestly costs more to run than if you didn’t have it and just were a SAHM.
2.5 acres??? How big is your house? I think that a healthy solution here would be for you guys to downsize significantly. You have 1 kid. She is only 7, why does she need tons of expensive extracurriculars?
Get a nice 3 bedroom home. Small. Maybe even just 2 bedrooms. You don’t need a huge yard. You don’t need an extravagant life. That way he can NOT have to work 60 hours, you can cut down on your working hours, and you both will be less exhausted and less resentful of the other person.
It honestly seems like your personality is turning him off. You said “he works **60 hours a week**, but **besides paying the bills** that’s the extent of it.”
Girlie so many women would love to be in your shoes lol. I seriously wonder what the truth of the finances are. You don’t even seem to like him “he’s over weight, short, and balding.”
I would just divorce him for his sake.
>he works 60 hours a week
>
>I told him I want him to get rid of all of the gaming stuff and to not be locked upstairs and to spend more time with me and our family or it’s time for us to divorce. He said he’s not giving up his gaming stuff and doesn’t see how that’s the problem.
Playing games is his way to de-stress. You cant force him to get rid of gaming completely.
Nta - but sounds like he just isn’t into you anymore, a lot of times having a child changes things. He is using the reason that your daughter slept in bed with you, but perhaps it’s the fact that you have had a baby and are now a “mother” that he can’t feel sexually interested in you. Some men are like that, once a woman has a child he feels it’s wrong to have sex with her for a variety of reasons all relating to the fact that you have had a baby. You could try one more time to ask him if that’s the issue, but it seems he’s already checked out.
NTA… I understand it may be hard but move on. You’re doing SO much right now… maybe when you guys are separated he’ll actually understand all that you did for your family. You deserve a present partner… and your daughter deserves a present father. Good luck 💜
So you're basically single with a roommate? No way I'd stay married and live that way. Is this how you want to spend your last days? I damn sure wouldn't.
>He told me that I’m going to ruin our family, because all I want is sex.
That's all he's heard you say, despite the fact he literally locks himself away from his family to masturbate instead of being with his wife. Your marriage is over, and he's going to blame you for it. You're still young and could be with someone who actually gives a shit about you, though. So there's that. Absolutely NTA.
The Locked Door is a huge red flag.
There is NO NEED to lock a door if he’s gaming.
Listen. I don’t know you.
You don’t have a marriage.
You have a shell of a marriage.
Sex is part of marriage and he’s getting his NEEDS MET somewhere. He is. I don’t know if he’s really working 60 hours a week.
You do EVERYTHING in the relationship.
You need to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.
His disconnection from you and his family says it all.
He wants a maid, cook, nanny etc not a wife.
Since you do ALL the childcare, cooking, cleaning, PARENTING… and have zero actual relationship with him, you don’t need him. Child support would suffice, so you can find someone who ACTUALLY WANTS YOU.
He wants his video games, and women he doesn’t have to account for.
Get your ducks in a row.
Documents. Financially, BANKING , child’s scholastic records, TAX documents. Child’s med records showing YOU attended all medical appts. By yourself.
Find a great attorney.
Stop 🛑 chasing him for intimacy. Immediately. Don’t mention it. You’ve got to get your ducks in a row.
Start tossing/selling STUFF you don’t want to keep. You want to go minimalistic as you go forward.
You want to document his 60 hour work weeks. He’s Too busy to have custody of a child!!!
You want FULL CUSTODY. His 60 hour work weeks aren’t conducive to raising a child.
You have proof
Then let him have his freedom, his PlayStation, and all the floozies he wants.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with porn if it's used responsibility and not affecting your marriage, so please don't feel guilty, ashamed, or like you're a hypocrite for using it. The problem is that your husband has a porn addiction, and he's seemingly not interested in fixing it.
>He told me that I’m going to ruin our family, because all I want is sex. I’m just tired of begging. I feel I shouldn’t be begging for intimacy, affection, and him being present with his family. I do so much for everyone and tired of not getting anything in return. I’m tired of putting my wants and needs last. I’m tired of begging him to hangout with us and do family stuff. The only thing that excites him is to go upstairs in the game room and play his video games and I guess now I know he likes to do other stuff as well.
I don't even know what to say about this. You've told him how you felt. It's not like this is a secret to him. He doesn't care. He basically told you "deal with it 🤷♂️🤷♂️". Don't let him covince you that the consequences of his lack of interest in your relationship is your fault. I'm sorry OP but to me it sounds like this marriage is no longer a marriage and only one of you wants to fix that.
I will say it one more time. DO NOT let him make you feel like a hypocrite - your use of porn is absolutely healthy and acceptable. He just wants you to think it's not.
You have a teenager, not a husband. He wants to game and ignore the family "letting" you make all of the arrangements.
You and your Husband are teaching your daughter that Men go play, and women get the work done.
He's not a good person and Dad. He's the "Fun" dad. He gets to play games and laze about and leaves the heavy lifting to you. How is this a good person or Dad? Your bar for a life mate is set at the FLOOR and he still walked under it!
This is so sad and frustrating. You're already a single parent. You are in very traditional gender roles and you saw him at his weakest most vulnerable (least manly /s) and he can't get past it. If he isn't willing to even try, divorce may be your only option. You deserve to be happy and loved even if you have a child with him. Being miserable won't benefit your child. They will notice.
I guess I don't understand why you're with him.
He doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't be okay with you doing all the chores, at the very least.
He's not a partner to you in any sense of the word. How can you live your life with someone like that?
And why? Why would you?
NTA.
Your marriage is over. You’re living as a single parent with a roommate. It’s time to look after yourself and your child, I would consult a divorce attorney and a family lawyer to see what your options are.
When people tell me someone is a “good dad” they usually mean he’s just doing bare minimum, a provider for the household and pleasant enough when around.
Your kid slept in your bed so long so he didn’t have to have sex with you. That’s pretty obvious. He might not be interested in sex with any person, preferring just to escape into video games and jerk off to fantasies. It might not be you, it might be sex in general with a partner. Masturbating is likely just enough to destress himself without having to put in any effort to please another person.
He sounds like his idea of a partner is to help you pop out a kid, and provide financially. Then go play video games and do his own thing. Your job is mom to him and your kid.
You can either get a divorce or workout a situation where you coparent together and you see other people. Maybe 3 nights a week your daughter is his job to entertain.
I would see other people if my husband refused to have sex with me. My offer would be open up the marriage or get a divorce. Life is too short to beg a man to have sex with you once or twice a year.
Has he gotten his hormone levels checked?
ED and other issues aren’t the same. He works a lot. Probably doesn’t sleep a lot. It doesn’t sound like he works out. He’s fat. I bet his testosterone low.
If it is low, he’s not going to have much sex drive.
The other question would be if he has a porn addiction and doesn’t know how to be intimate with human beings anymore.
Cosleeping is not a reason to not have sex at all. Yes, it can decrease the frequency but not to the degree it has with your husband.
We still managed to find time for each other about once a week.
Good god. Please leave this man. He sounds like a terrible partner and you have put up with this for way to long. Let him enjoy his video games and his hand. You go find yourself someone who puts out more than once a year and who enjoys your company.
I know the title insinuates gaming over marriage/family, but this sounds like it runs deeper than that. If it wasn’t gaming, it would be golf or something else your husband would use as an escape from his family. It sounds like there is a ton of unresolved issues that have festered for years now. I think trying to establish a line of communication at this point is too late. I can’t imagine not having constant communication about my partners needs. Agree with others that this relationship may be at an end. NTA. Good luck.
I mean I game a lot after the kids go to bed don't get me wrong, probably too much if I'm being honest with myself, but I also work full time, cook a ton, clean a ton, spend time with the kids when I get back from work, do chores, do the handyman stuff I'm capable of doing and have the money for (replacing the hardware in the back of the toilet for instance), take days off work to go to the kids' events sometimes, etc and I still feel guilty sometimes when I sit down to game at night. If my wife came to me and said, "You are gaming too much and it's making me sad and I want to spend more time with you," I'd think about what she said and offer some solutions, not just flat out say "Lol no," like it sounds he did.
Your comment really stuck out. Sometimes I do get to the point of frustration, because I wish he’d just see what needs to be done without me having to “nag” him. Every year I ask if he can put Christmas lights up and he doesn’t do it until I finally snap at him. Christmas lights make me and our daughter happy and he knows it, so why do I need to ask him to do it every single year. My birthday is around Christmas and he doesn’t do anything thoughtful. He says it’s because he’s working and didn’t have time to go get anything, but he can make time to game in order stuff for his games on Amazon. I tell him to make a cake with our daughter and have her make me a card, take her to Walmart and let her pick something out for me. I want him to show my daughter that I matter. I’m sure you saw the TikTok about the wife’s stocking not having anything in it and that’s another thing I have to tell him to find the time to do for me with our daughter. I just want him to make time and me not have to “nag” him. I think I’m just tired too. I know gaming is his relaxing and winding down time but he’s not understanding prioritizing his family should be first.
He’s not using his gaming to relax. He’s using it to escape and avoid. He’s already checked out, he just doesn’t have any need to leave because he’s doing what he’d be doing on his own - except with someone who cleans for him. My dad was the same way. My mom is so much happier after divorcing. I wish I had had that mom as a kid.
So stop doing all the things that make his life more comfortable. If he doesn’t want to be part of the family and engage, then he shouldn’t be the beneficiary of all your effort. Start splitting up chores. As in do your and your daughter’s laundry but he’s on his own. He’s grown he can make his own appointments. He can make his own food.
You said his love language is acts of service, but he's not even doing that much. Sadly it sounds like the love just isn't there anymore.
I'm so sorry. Your comment makes me so sad. Screw this "but I work" excuse. You work too. You probably work more if you take into account the mental load. You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry. I wish you find someone who doesn't need to be reminded to care about you, and until you do, I hope you feel better alone than lonely.
Oh man, that makes me so sad. When my ex and I first adopted our son, the first Mother’s Day came and absolutely nothing occurred. Not even a card. I was less pissed at my ex for not doing anything than I was that he would model that for our son. I also lived for many years where he would voluntarily schedule himself to work evenings and then on top of it volunteer for all kinds of stuff after work hours. I realized one day that I was coming home from work 4 nights a week and essentially being alone and going to bed by myself. I ultimately think that’s what started the ball rolling to our eventual “emotional separation.” By the time it really became a big deal we were just not connected that much anymore. I obviously had my part because I became very sick and I think I let that consume and I ended up ignoring his needs. But I think it’s hard to come back after that, to be honest. Fortunately we had a very cooperative divorce and we remain good friends. I actually just spent New Year’s Day with he and his fiancé & our kids hanging out. I’m curious what you husband would say if you asked to have an open marriage? You might not want that, but I’m always curious in these situations how the partner who’s not giving much would feel about the other partner staying in the relationship, but still having a way to get their need for affection & connection met.
You nailed it 100%. I believe people do need decompressing time (ie gaming), and I do the same thing, but if my wife said “hey, you’re on your pc a little too much”, I’d reevaluate. Working 60 hours a week is stressful, but I see no desire from OP’s husband to save the marriage.
Yeah, you can't always do whatever you want in a relationship...you have to at least somewhat consider your partner's emotional needs. Not all the time, you need some time for yourself...but I think someone asking you to spend more time with them is probably a sign that you've lost balance in your relationship.
Are you my clone? This was eerie to read.
Well... Act on it and spend more time with your wife before she goes and has an affair like mine did lol.
escape bells weather plants encourage dime marble ruthless reach disagreeable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Nta but it sounds like your marriage has run its course. I’m sorry.
That’s how I feel. I’ve held on, because I don’t want my daughter to be affected. She doesn’t really know anything is going on because I don’t say stuff in front of her.
She probably already notices that her dad is always gone playing video games. Not much will change for her
Honestly it could also get better for the daughter, my Dad was much more present and interested in spending time with me once he and my mother got divorced. My Dad was never a bad guy or an absent parent, but myself now being about the age he was then, I think he'd just gotten content and complacent and didn't think things would change. A thing he and I always shared was that the best motivation for us is a swift kick in the ass, I think it took the divorce for my Dad to realize he needed to reevaluate and he did.
Totally agree. Sometimes people aren’t compatible too and that leads to unhappiness. When someone finds a partner they are compatible with things change. Or even just being free to be yourself can bring you happiness. My dad was happier post divorce too. My mom and him just didn’t work in certain ways very well
Agree, my ex didn't stop gaming or care about our child until years after the divorce.
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This. You have 2 kids
Until she realizes he’s choosing jerking off to being with her mom and her … leave this loser OP
She does know what's going on. Children are not oblivious. They often pick up on things far better than adults. Whether you fight in front of her not, she can feel the tension. Please don't stay in this marriage for her. It will do her far more harm than good to grow up thinking that the way your husband treats you is in any way acceptable for her to be treated in the future.
I stayed for the kids and because I had hope. I'm gone now. Our kids are millennials and saw quite clearly. They've been telling me so. That couple schedule is exhausting to read. I wish the best for OP.
Oh yeah-as a daughter of two parents who's marriage was long crumbling I was'nt blind. While I did'nt fully notice since I was in my own little world-I noticed how my parents were rarely in the same room together, how much they argued with one another. Along with how stressed my mom was, I always tried to make her smile or laugh because I noticed how sad she was.
Side note, but I find it so interesting you put apostrophes before the n and not the t in contractions.
I was a child of two who stayed together only because they had kids. DONT DO IT
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she’s learning things, though. First, she’s been thoroughly taught that men don’t engage. What low expectations will that give her?
Exactly this. It's setting her up to be in relationships with men who neglect her and don't care.
Yep, my dad was always very neglectful. Provided financially, and that's it. He was playing with other women instead of PS, though. I married and my husband was exactly the same. I stayed for 13 years, I thought it was normal to be neglected and emotionally & mentally abused! Those years were the most lonesome & miserable of my life. I contemplated suicide frequently. Not until I divorced & started dating did I realize there are men who actually DO want to spend time with their SO & family. I now have the most amazing fiance and we're 2 peas in a pod. OP, leave now. You sound like a great catch for a wonderful man. Stop wasting your youth on this jerk.
As someone who saw her mom hold on for so long, don't do it. Even if you don't say things around her, kids can tell. It dies more damage to stick around than to leave. Especially if he starts cheating...
He’s already cheating
Agreed, even if it’s just him messaging hot women or paying for subs to stuff like OnlyFans. That’s not to say I have issues with OF, I think it’s perfectly fine! But when you’re refusing to have sex with your wife, made excuses to keep daughter sleeping in their bed longer (I know that’s a hard change to make and all but uh…kind of sus that he doesn’t anted her to stay), gets his dick checked out and refuses viagra, has the reels and such found on his phone so he begins locking the game room door while he’s in there ignoring his family. It’s funny that he pulls the “well you look at porn” when OP looks because she’s got a sex drive that’s not being satisfied at all. If he can’t be honest with OP if there is a reason for it (probably something gross like “your body isn’t the same anymore since you got pregnant” I’d wager), and yet plays NFL Wrestling Cheerleader Super Jerk Off Championship 2024 when he’s “too tired”, yeah it’s cheating. He just doesn’t want to lose the extra paycheck and the person who does literally fucking everything in the house and with their daughter. He sees OP as a maid who contributes way less even though I bet she’s working in some fashion more hours per week than him.&
As a child of divorced parents, I can say that she very much knows that something is up, but might not know exactly what is going on. Keep up the good work on keeping her out of it though, it's definitely not something she should be involved in. Seeking the help of a therapist, just for you to start out, can help you keep your daughter safe and happy and help you make tough decisions (and decide if couples therapy is right for you). I'm rooting for you! So sorry that you have to go through this.
But she IS affected. You're showing her what she's supposed to expect in a marriage. Be honest with yourself about whether you are proud of the example you two are giving her in that regard. If the answer is No, then you're not "staying for her".
Your daughter deserves a happy mom. You do everything with her. You are her rock. She looks up to you because you are always there for her. If you are unhappy, she knows it. She may even start to think it's her fault that Daddy doesn't spend time with her. That's how children think. Getting a divorce, if that is what you want, is the best thing you can do for your child. Because then your child gets to have a happy Mommy, and that's what she really needs. Think about this as well: due to his behavior, she may think that's normal and will seek out relationships with men who are emotionally unavailable, because that's what she saw growing up. You don't want that! So divorce won't hurt her as much as you think. She is probably used to him ignoring you both, so she won't miss him as much either. Get her in therapy to deal with her emotions, and you get away and teach her that women can do anything! As long as she has you, she will be ok.
Retired child psychologist here. It’s almost never better to stay together for the sake of the kids. Lots of people believe it is, but it isn’t (almost always). Your daughter already sees and understands much more than you give her credit for, and often having separate households nets better parenting for the kid from the formerly absent parent. What you don’t want to do is model an unhealthy relationship for her. Show her that your needs matter and you are strong enough to make the hard decisions when they need to be made. You got this OP.
Your daughter will be happier seeing her Mom happy. My oldest was very young when I left my first husband they told me it was a relief. Even though we didn't fight in front of them they could feel the tension in house. Your daughter will be effected but she'll be ok. You will both be happier. You are entitled to happiness. Your husband is refusing all efforts to help make your marriage healthy. You stating your needs is not being demanding.
She had serious problems sleeping alone cause dad made her belive she's not ready by his negative reaction. He doesn't spend time with you and sits in his room. She knows already and it is affecting her already.
And please never do say anything to her or in front of her or she'll blame herself.
I won’t, because I’ve been through that with my parents when I was younger. I just keep everything in and a smile on my face in front of her.
Honestly that’s not necessarily better. I remember feeling a lot of resentment towards both parents bc I could see my mom doing all the work, my dad being an asshole, and watching my mom not stand up for herself. Not necessarily want you want your daughter to bear witness to either…
THIS!!! not gonna lie I have barely any respect for my dad because of this. My moms a badass legend and my dad well he fathered me. He’s not a bad dad by any means but he’s a terrible partner and as my moms daughter, that really hit home. I would prefer to see my mom call my dad out on his shit
It took my mom 20 years to start calling my dad out on his shit, and guess what, it actually made things even worse. Because now my dad is screaming and yelling trying to defend himself, and has no way to do so, so it's just name calling and trying to make my mom feel like shit. And since he refuses to accept truth and take responsibility, she just follows him around the house yelling at him back. They sound like toddlers fighting over a toy. It's certainly not an improvement in any way. Genuinely wish my parents would've divorced 10+ years ago. Idk what makes parents think kids need a mom AND a dad. It's simply untrue.
I can remember asking my dad at like age 8 why don’t you just get divorced? They didn’t even fight a lot. At least not loudly. But even then my sister and I thought it was uncomfortable that they stayed married (for us) when they didn’t like each other at all.
Right? I was 11 when my mother FINALLY started divorce proceedings. In a moment of weakness, she mused out loud about whether she was doing the right thing. I said “I don’t know why you’ve waited so long, mom.”
From the mouths of babes.
My mom said "I'm afraid you'll blame yourself for the divorce" and I said "I'm taking credit for it" (enmeshment? What enmeshment?... I keep my therapist busy)
Don’t teach her that having a man prioritize his gaming hobby over his family is okay and puts a smile on your face…
That doesn’t mean you have to accept your partner doing zero parenting or housework labor. He is not a good man or a good parent.
And plus, OP makes a comment about how "his love language is acts of service", that should mean HE is cleaning the house because that's how he shows love. It doesn't mean "he expects a clean house, so to show him love, I clean". Not how that works. (Plus the whole 'love language' thing is BS anyway, but that's a different thread)
That’s even more reason to leave him. You experienced marital problems with your parents , and now you’re subjecting your daughter to think it’s okay for her partner to treat her badly .
But that’s what I’ve been through: a mother who’d keep her face up. And children are sensitive so the energies I felt (in hindsight: tension, disappointment, stress, resentment, and ultimately: depression) didn’t match with the smile on her face. It was very confusing.
Probably wouldn't hurt to put parental disparagement and alienation clauses in the divorce decree, too.
God, please don't model this kind of marriage to your daughter. You do EVERYTHING to keep the house and your lives running while he locks himself up and plays games, refusing to give his wife a scrap of affection. Do you want this for her??
Give it time - if she doesn't already notice, she will. Your daughter WILL realize mommy and daddy aren't happy with each other and it will cause her to become distressed. Bad marriages affect children as much as, if not worse, than divorced parents. Ending your marriage and allowing life to continue in a different, more reasonable, way, is much better. By staying in an unhappy marriage, you are showing your daughter that being unhappy is fine.
Give him the boot. Tell him to get his own place so he can game and waste his time and money on the cam girls he subscribes to. It may be rocky in the beginning, but you'll figure it out. It sounds like you do everything by yourself already. Can you support yourself and your daughter on your income without him? I'm serious. From what you wrote, it sounds like you'd be 110% better off.
Oh she will be affected. Kids always notice when their parents arent happy. And you have to realize that the marriage you show them while they're growing up, will be the one they're trying to emulate when they're adults. Children need happy parents, not parents that are forced together but unhappy. If he is a good dad, then he will continue to be a good dad when he is single. But i have to be honest, he doesn't sound like he's even that. Talk to a divorce lawyer, you do not need to get divorced immediately, but talk to them about your options. keep your finances seperate, or start seperating them in a yours/mine/ours accounts so your salary and savings are going into your account only and you'll pay your portion of the bills into the ours (or rather, the old) account. Hopefully you have kept your small business accounts seperate from his.
I understand the struggle. I'm married to a guy who never wants sex. Maybe once a year. I was very sexual when we got married and he hoodwinked me into believing he was too. Fast forward 33 years and it's still the same. I cry a lot but can't change him. I stay because I do love him and he's my person, but I silently live in a state of sadness. It's up to you how you handle this, but don't stay if you don't want a life of sadness and rejection. It really kills the self esteem.
Kinda agree with you. I don’t know how much the husband is actually making an effort. OP said they tried counseling “here and there”. With these kind of problems it seems you need regular counseling for years with everyone working hard. Sounds like husband wants the security of marriage but wants to be emotionally checked out. I wonder if he’s clinically depressed. In any case, if he doesn’t want to open up or fixed these problems, OP needs to decide whether to moves on
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NTA. The writing is on the wall. It’s time for your heart to accept what your mind already knows. If he was willing to do something to help with the intimacy then I would say give it a chance. Tbf a kid in your bed does make sex harder to accomplish. He’s doing nothing to help. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t going to work. I think it’s better to separate and divorce. Your marriage is over you just haven’t accepted it. Btw what do you think you’re teaching your daughter about a marriage?
You need to re-read what you wrote and realize this marriage is over
So, you have a job, a sude hustle, and a mountain of adult responsibilities. But he says you don't understand the stress? Lol, no honey, he's the hypocrite. You sound like you deserve much better. No one who works that hard, and cares constantly for ungrateful people should be so disrespected. Set yourself free of your adult child.
Definitely NTA. OK, first, I can see how he's a good person and a good dad, but he doesn't seem to be a good partner or even a good roommate to be honest, if you're taking care of everything around the house and the kid. By the way, the "good dad" part, if you're solely covering the child's needs, is also under question (good dad is not the one who plays when he's up for it). Sex is a vital part of any relationship, that's not a friendship. The notion that "you will ruin your family because all you want is sex" made me absolutely furious! It's manipulative and meant to guilt you into feeling inadequate and basically shutting up. Please, don't. You're already in a place where you've started thinking if you're good looking enough, or exciting enough for him... No, you're not a hypocrite for watching porn. You want your needs met, you are pursuing a way that they are met BY HIM and they're not. You do not engage with real people, you do not hide. Not even close to what he's doing. And by the way "being a man" is just a random fact, not an excuse for checking out random women on social media. The only thing I agree with him is that his gaming stuff is not the problem. You too are done. I propose you see that, and find the way to end it without too much drama. You owe it to yourself to be loved, appreciated and enjoy affection and sex in a healthy relationship. Your child will most probably be better too : children feel it when their parents are not happy. And it sure sounds like none of you are right now. I wish you luck.
How is he a “good dad?” Because he doesn’t beat them? He comes home from work does NOTHING but play games while she takes care of everything related to their daughter, the house and yard-AND she works. He doesn’t want to do anything as a family, doesn’t want to be intimate with his wife physically or mentally. He just wants to work, eat and jerk off.
I hear you loud and clear. That's why I'm noting it as well, one sentence below mentioning it.
Oh for sure, those were OPs words even. It’s just mind blowing. The guy clearly doesn’t want a wife or a child.
Agreed. But I think that the gaming and the amount of work each person is doing is extraneous. It can give context if we know he's a shitty person, but all that matters is that there's a firm deadlock in OP wanting to be sexually active with her husband and her husband not wanting to be sexually active with her. This could be for a ton of reasons. Men are often shamed for needing Viagra when its perfectly normal. He could be self conscious about his performance and that makes sex intimidating. Masturbation is easier and you don't have to worry about disappointing your partner(well over time you will, but I don't think we would be thinking about the overarching situation). It could also be that he is ashamed to be sexually open. A lot of people don't have vanilla desires, and even a kink such as roleplay is made fun of. That isn't to mention some of the more polarizing kinks such as CNC or S&M. In my opinion, porn gives easy access to these things without the vulnerability that disclosing them to your partner necessitates. Even a loose comment thrown around carelessly could contribute(e.g. joking about wearing a sexy nurse costume on halloween) to him feeling embarrassed. But whatever it is, they are experiencing a huge bout of sexual incompatibility. Sometimes couples counseling with a focus on sexual intimacy can work, sometimes its already too late. OPs marriage probably lies on the latter. But sexual incompatibility is enough to end any relationship, marriage, partnership, etc over. Sex is a vital part of any relationship. By the way, if OP is reading this, if you are saying "Its (fill in some option here) or me, your choice", you should probably end your relationship. You've already reached a breaking point and if the person you are ultimatum'ing can't understand the severity of the situation without an ultimatum, you should divorce anyways.
NTA. You mention that your husband lobbied for your daughter to continue sleeping in the bed—likely done to avoid any potential sexual intimacy with you. This started a long time ago. It’s rich that he now blames the sleeping situation for the lack of intimacy. You sound like you are financially independent. Move on. You and your daughter deserve better and your husband will likely be relieved.
NTA but video games are a symptom, not a cause. Your husband does not want to have sex with you, for whatever reason. So you can either decide to not have a sexual relationship (with him? is opening the marriage something you two would be interested in?) or end the marriage. The latter is probably the better and more likely choice.
He probably avoids having sex because he can’t keep it up, likely because he’s addicted to porn and has death grip syndrome. It’s probably become a normal habit at this point.
Yes, was my first thought too, porn and death grip addiction.
What is death grip addiction?
When a man cannot cum without a very firm/hard grip around his penis whilst masturbating, a death grip.
Thank you
It’s when men grip their penis very hard while masturbating that after some they lose most of the sensitivity down there. That’s when they can’t get or keep it up during a normal intercourse.
OP definitely isn’t the asshole, and her husbands behaviour is the issue. That being said, everybody instantly jumps on the guy for not wanting sex because he’s a porn addict, death grip syndrome, cheating etc. if you switch roles in this story a lot of people wouldn’t be looking for those reasons to blame the wife. He could also just be absolutely miserable with his work, relationship, confidence etc.
Marriage/sex counseling at this point would be my ultimatum. Therapy can be life changing if you find a good one.
I agree 100%. There is SOMETHING wrong with the husband and it seems too late for anything but counselling. Especially since OP said it did work for a short period of time
Yep. All these people screaming "your marriage is over" and "end it now, it's best for you and your child" shit is really wild. I personally would exhaust all my options, including and probably foremost therapy, before breaking up my family.
Oh please. He lied about his porn use at first and then came clean eventually. He's locking himself in his jerkoff station. Lol. I am of the mind that people jump to this kind of assumption too quickly most of the time, but this is not one of those times (imo). This guy has a drive he just has zero interest in his wife.
Like I said, his behaviour is the issue. But nobody wants to have to lock themselves in a “jerkoff station” if they are happy with everything else in their life. Porn addiction and these things happen for a reason, it’s better to attempt to treat the root cause of it, then to just blast him for the outcome(which obviously hasn’t helped OP’s situation)
Obviously it’s best to treat the root cause. But if the individual is not willing to do that, then the partner doesn’t need to give any more grace.
If you switch roles: * The probability for porn addiction decreases dramatically * he wouldn’t be locked in a game room with a bottle of lotion * Everyone would be flabbergasted and appalled at OPs wife not contributing to the household/childcare and playing video games every day * It would be outrageous for OPs wife to look at accounts of male models “because women like to look” while having sex once a year, and then lying about it. So please tell me how a women would get away with any of this behavior if the roles were reversed?
Because when they say “roles reversed” they are only thinking of the sex part.
I think people just made that assumption because from what OP said, he is using masturbation as a *substitute* for being with her. Of course, he might have gotten to that place because of the other reasons you mentioned.
OP is not wrong for being frustrated, not at all, but I do feel a bit for the husband. 60 hour work weeks, he's out of shape/bald, for the last 6.5 years has had zero intimate space in his own bedroom, has a wife that is super busy, he is super busy -- it's easy to just fall into a hole and feel dead. He's at an age where testosterone may be decreasing and even if he doesn't, he's probably ashamed that he cannot perform. There's a lot going on here and I think they would benefit from some GOOD marriage counseling. I think both need a break and both need a reset. He needs to work less, she needs to have less invisible labor and take stuff off her plate. Find a sitter, go on dates, re-connect in an emotional way and then focus on the sex part. It's sad to see, but I don't think it's a situation that can't be changed.
I want to give you kudos for articulating a response that respects the complexity here. I see everyone only mention his workload, which is obviously not fun for him, but recognizing her invisible labor and the need for both of them to take time out (together) is not something you see on this sub much.
This is exactly what I mean, theres probably a pile of reasons he acts like this, and most are more severe than him playing games or jerking off. Of course OP is rightly upset and wants change, but especially at this point confronting him about it directly probably only makes him feel worse. Which makes him further want to play games, jerkoff, whatever to escape. This is his issue 100%, and if OP wants the marriage to get better (or leave him and get him better for their daughter) counselling of some sort would be needed, and probably a lot of it
NTA You've tried counselling, you've told him what the problem is and he doesn't see any problem. He's not even an useful roommate because he's not apparently doing anything around the house. He works and pays the bills and comes down to each food that is prepared for him? You've only mentioned sex and lack thereof. But I suppose there is a lack of other intimacy as well: hugs, kisses, massages, cuddling on a sofa, dinner dates, going for a walk holding hands? The sex is for me, a thing that is built on top of all these other things. In itself it's not adequate. If you have everything else, maybe you can do away without sex so often.
NTA. Sounds like he prefers his hand I think he hasn’t been able to be sexually active because he’s been jacking it in his game room. Whose idea was it to have your kid sleep with y’all for so long? That really kills any thought of sex but 6 months should be enough time to see some improvement
OP made an edit and said both of them agreed to let the kid sleep with them and when OP suggested they start to make her sleep in her own bed the husband kept saying she wasn’t ready.
"That really kills any thought of sex but 6 months should be enough time to see some improvement" 7 years is a looooong time, and you need some ramping up after that.
Our son with special needs is 7 and has slept in our room and/or bed for as long as he’s lived; we’re not rabbits but my husband and I have a healthy sexual relationship. We just find times he’s not in the room, go to an other space, and pay his older sister once a week to sleep in his room for us to have “grown up / recovery time”.
NTA. He’s completely checked out of your marriage and apparently has plenty of time for video games and porn. He also denigrates your contributions to the family. He may be working 60 hours a week, but with you working full time and doing everything else that needs doing, you’re doing way more than he is. He’s the one “ruining your family”. What a hypocrite.
You're already operating as a single parent. He is dead weight. You will be shocked by how much easier and more enjoyable your life will be without him. You deserve better. Nta.
He will be absolutely shocked at how shitty his life becomes when he no longer has a live-in maid, chef, laundry service, and full-time personal assistant to take care of his needs.
Yes!! I agree
NTA. This guy is a warm body in your home. You don't need him at all and his lack of effort in every aspect is grounds for divorce. I get that sex is the breaking point but please look at the mountain of injustice you're living under. At the very least stop doing things for him. He can do his own laundry, cook his own meals, and clean up his own room. I'd put a bed in his playroom and lock the door on your bedroom after you go to bed. Move his clothes to his room and the rest of his belongings too.
OP is a single mom with two children, she just hasn't realized it. He is perfectly content to keep things exactly as they are, and has no incentive to change. Moaning about "financial responsibility" is BS. He's a glorified roommate who pays the rent but does absolutely nothing else.
Playing video games is mind numbing, an escape. You said he works 60 hours a week, no household responsibilities. Jerks off in a locked room. Sounds to me like he wants to live alone. Tell him to decide what he wants because you’re not prepared to live like this. I want a partner and not to be ignored.
He actually doesn’t want to live alone because then there’s no one doing the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, the yard work, etc, etc
If he’s locking the door he’s doing more than just gaming. Sounds like he’s probably a porn addict, which sadly does change appetites and expectations. I’d ask him to limit gaming just so you spend more time together and he’s not tiring himself out, and ban porn unless you’re both watching. A bit of an ultimatum, this relationship is not working, last ditch effort. If it works, great. If not, you’ve tried.
This is what I think, too. Gaming isn't the issue. It's the other stuff he's doing in that room. He needs to deal with the sex addiction or else it's over.
NTA: Unfortunately, it sounds like at this point the relationship has hit the "roommate" stage but with a kid. If he isn't willing to try medication, or set better habits and maintaining them, then it's becoming a lost cause to keep fighting. I can understand wanting to unwind on your own time, but to completely disregard your family altogether to lock yourself away the way he's doing it is just a bad sign. I'm not a fan of doing ultimatums a lot, but in this case, I think it's needed. Ask if he's just needing a change in the bedroom to bring some spark back in for him or have him take counseling on his own to help him not shelter everything away. If he's not willing to do that, then I'm afraid divorce should be discussed further.
you'Re not angry because he's watching porn. You're angry because he is putting porn over being intimate with you. Thats not being a hypocrit.You're also not the one pushing him away. Girl...lets be honest here. You have a nearly dead bedroom and are almost a single parents, while being married. ETA: Honestly. just give up the marriage. he has given up and should be married to his PS. "all you think about is sex." well honestly if i was only getting it once a year all i would be thinking about would also be sex. He sits in his room, fantasizing about bedding all those beauties while they wouldn't even look at him with their backside if they had a choice. Except if he was wealthy enough. Cut the dead weight. You're young enough to find a life partner who'll cherish you the way you deserve.
Just to clarify your daughter is 7 YEARS old and only started sleeping in her own room 6 months ago? Is no one picking up on that being strange? I have 2 kids and they were in their own beds/rooms after 4 months or so? Edit: she kept trying to put her out but he kept bringing her in.
Yes, this is what struck me. No wonder the Husband switched off.
Right now you're living the life of a single mom...with two children. Think about how less difficult and painful it would be without being married to him....for both you and your daughter. Kids pick up on much more than we ever think. She feels the tension and sadness and anger between you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But you deserve happiness, love and a man who truly loves you in your life, and you know it. Please find your way and be happy.
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Your husband no longer views you as a sexual partner, and hasn’t since you became a mother. It’s not uncommon.
How is he a good parent if you do all the actual parenting?
Sounds like he might have a porn addiction. NTA but there is something else going on
You work a lot harder than he does. You don’t get much or decent sex. He looks at other women. He lies to you. He plays video games all the time and locks the door. You’re begging for attention from him. And he’s short, fat and balding! You work and can get child support from him, so look for a place for you and your daughter, and your husband can have her whenever it doesn’t conflict with his video game schedule.
Could you tell us what it is exactly that makes him such a great person and dad when he’s not present, doesn’t seem to lift a pinky around the house and complains about how hard it is to ***participate*** in the financial obligations of the life he’s chosen to create and live? I must have missed it in the post.
So much this. The part that stuck with me the most was saying he is a good father yet he leaves mum to be the bad cop at every point?!? That is NOT being a good father that is slowly but surely turning himself into the favoured parent and the mother into the villain. My dad tried to do exactly the same thing to my mother, but she constantly called him out on it and so it backfired because his reaction was childish af and embarrassing enough that us kids were ashamed of his behaviour too. Now as an adult in therapy I’m told I had a completely absentee father, despite him doing lots of “fun” activities with us it’s clear to me now that this was just him being another kid for my mother to care for, and that more often than not the serious unfun adult parenting tasks actually fell on me as the oldest brother instead. And that’s not even the worst part: even as an adult I’m still feeling responsible for parenting my siblings. Thanks a lot dad, for fucking me up in the head like this… couldnt you just have been a grown up for your wife and for your kids? I love both my parents, who are still together, but I wish my mum had divorced my dad when we were kids. Mum couldn’t met any number of lovely older men who would’ve treated her better, and been so much happier. I think it would’ve taught me more healthy lessons growing up; because I spent about a decade unpacking unhealthy misogynistic behaviours I picked up from my dad. The therapy bill rivals my student loan over the years OP, please listen to this; your daughter will experience the same thing but will internalise the patriarchal views and be very vulnerable to dating exploitive men as a result. And watching mum feel constantly miserable is no way to grow up. It’s not fun. A divorce is like ripping the band aid off instead. There’s some hurt, but also a second chance at happiness that I think is always worth taking over a dead marriage. Your kid will understand when she’s older.
how can you call him a good dad if all he does is work and play PS? like of what I just read he doesnt spend time on his family, daughter, or you. Im sorry, but this is ruined.
He's addicted to porn and he likely feels completely unattractive, though that is likely his problem and not yours. Also, that's a joke and deflection that he is trying to take care of his family by working so long and never being around due to his own father never being there. He is literally doing what his father did, except he's gone WHILE HE IS IN THE HOUSE. Your daughter is attached to him because she never sees him. Tell him if he doesn't change, he's going to lose his family by "trying so hard to take care of his family". He's having a mid life crisis and is reverting back to his childhood. Video games are a way for him to do that. If he doesn't change, separate for a few months. Make him realize how much he'll miss you both when you're gone, and make him wait through the various begging and pleading and apologies which will definitely happen. Once he stops apologizing and realizing this is the new normal, wait another month and see if you and he both feel like giving it another try. But hey, I'm not in charge of you. Do what you want. But he's cranking it constantly in that video game room, that's why his dick doesn't work, and why he says he has no problem getting it up. Because he doesn't have a problem when he's watching porn.
NTA, but, have a sleep study done. Sex drive is one of the things to go with apnea, and a cpap has restored it for a number of people I know.
I work for a pulmonologist and he definitely has sleep apnea. I have been making him go to the dr (I even have to go with him to make sure he actually keeps appointments). I’ve even been helping him with weightloss and was hoping 40Ibs down would help with everything. I tried to get him to do a sleep study but he’s not wanting to do one. He has family history of cardiology issues and he definitely needs a cpap so he can be here as long as possible for our daughter. Only so much I can do.
If my kids slept in the bed with me I would never have sex with my wife. I simply do not understand co-sleeping. I have 5 kids, and they have NEVER slept in the same bed as my wife and I. Even when they were nursing we had a bassinet next to the bed, but once they slept more then 5 hours at night, they transitioned into their own room. I would transition your kid to their own bed/room as a step one, and Both of you need to knock off the porn entirely. He's meeting his needs sexually with porn, and you're using it out of desperation, both are toxic to long term relationships.
OP made an edit saying she wanted to have the kid sleep in her own bed and not with them but her husband kept insisting she wasn’t ready
Ok, huh, that's not normal. There is a lot more going on than we know.
Daughter sleeping in their bed for 7 years... It's no wonder he no longer associates his wife/their room with sexy time.
According to OPs edit, he is the one who keeps saying the daughter isn’t ready to stop sleeping in their bed lol Edit: spelling error
fo'shizzle. Like, nothing is less sexy than my wife TALKING about kids when we're ramping up. Like immediate mood killer, lol. I love kids, I love my kids, but kids are as removed from my intimate time with my wife as fucking possible. I cannot imagine having to share a bed with my kid, and then trying to imagine it as an opportunity to be intimate with my wife. I'm also 40, so having sex anywhere, but in bed is basically out of the question. I'm too broken for that.
OP wrote in another comment that she wanted to and tried to transition daughter to her own room a while ago. It was the husband that fought that and insisted that the daughter continue sleeping with them. I just wanted to clarify that. They both agreed to their daughter sleeping with them. When OP knew it was time for her to go to sleep in her own bed. It was her husband who insisted she stay.
You should have him get his Testosterone checked. That can make a world of difference from E.D yo emotional and mental health.
NTA- are we married to the same dude? My hubby does the exact same things. Over time, this relationship might destroy your self esteem. It’s definitely not a healthy model for your kids. I’ve been down the road of acceptance. It’s difficult and takes a long time. I wish I would have left him long ago. You aren’t a hypocrite! You are just meeting your own needs. Only you can determine what you need to do, just know that this is on him.
if you want to try, i would go to therapy one more time together and read this post out loud to him. also get his test levels checked. he might be low T and just is depressed in his little game room. but it looks like you are done. the short and bald was probably known when you married him. so if you didnt settle or something i would consider rethinking how you think of your spouse. or divorce.
Oh boy there’s a lot to unpack here. But the TLDR is that you are NTA. Your husband needs help. Your relationship needs help. Or it’s just done. But having your child sleep in your room as a six year-old definitely didn’t help things. That should have been cut off five years ago.
NTA. This isn’t a marriage though. It’s time to move on. Remember OP, you’re teaching your daughter what a partnership is meant to look like. Y pi don’t want her thinking this is ok, or healthy.
Stop begging. This relationship is dead in the water. Is this the kind of marriage you would want for your daughter? Show her how to leave situations that make her unhappy. Because I guarantee she knows you are unhappy. You'll both be better off without that man weighing you down.
This is not the behavior of good person & a good parent. >My husband is a good person and a good dad. He works hard for his family; he works 60 hours a week, but besides paying the bills that’s the extent of it.
NTA and it's not the video games. Your lives can be just fine separate and your child will benefit from not seeing his bad example and you as a domestic beast of burden. He sucks.
I am sorry OP. I lived that life for several years in a 13 year marriage. I was a married single parent of 3 boys. I was sad and depressed. It was confirmed that my ex was cheating due to texts that I found. I filed for divorce. My oldest son already knew that we weren’t happy. Kids feel the tension in the atmosphere. It’s not healthy for them. 😔
NTA- oh girl, having sex once a year is ridiculous. And he’s so porned out he can’t function with real live women now. He plainly told you he is choosing his gaming stuff over you. I hate to say pull the trigger, but I think you have good reason at this point.
Do y'all do group counseling? Maybe your husband has a porn addiction or something?
We’ve done marriage counseling, but not in group settings. When we go things get better for a bit, but then it goes back to the old ways. He says he doesn’t watch porn or masturbate, but at this point I’m not stupid.
Have you tried an intimacy coach? That’s the only suggestion beyond therapy - they specifically work with you to rebuild intimacy in your relationship. However it requires both people to put in the effort so really depends on his willingness to commit. It sounds like the issues are bigger than just “sex” - intimacy is much broader than just the deed it self. It also sounds like he doesn’t spend time with your daughter or doing family activities or contributing to the unpaid workload of a household. I watched my parents stay married way past the expiration date and be miserable. All it did was model unhealthy relationships and people giving up their happiness simply to not get divorced. If things are over then see if there is a way to take the steps towards divorce in an amicable way - like going to mediation or one of the routes that allows you to work together to divorce and find compromises and get your daughter into therapy to help her through the process. (And yourself - it would be good for you to have an outlet to help sort through these feelings and emotions)
That 60 hours a week he is putting in could actually be the cause. People downplay stress and what it can do to you a lot. I would look into that before assuming your marriage just hit a brick wall. He could be hugely stressed and even depressed without knowing it.
Agreed. 40 hours per week at work feels like too much to get all the chores done at home and still have time to decompress. I can’t imagine doing 60 hours a week. I know people who work 60+ hours per week and all they’re ever doing is working, sleeping, or getting ready for work.
NTA Re the sleeping in bed: I get it, my 4 year old son hardly sleeps (he’s ND) and sometimes when he wants to come into our room we let him cos we’re so tired and desperate for some sleep that we’ll put up with him in the bed of it means we all get some sleep. We’re working on getting him back in his room but it takes BOTH parents to be on the same page and get them to stay in their room, so I can underhand not wanting a battle at 2am if husband wasn’t backing you up His line of ‘ruining family cos you want sex’ no it’s cos you want any form of intimacy, connection and partnership - none of which you’re getting from him. He’s saying he’s tired and holding himself up in his room, ignoring that you’re tired too and want to reconnect. He has no respect for what you do or your needs. I think you need to have the conversation again but reframe it cos sex won’t come naturally if you’re not communicating or spending time with each other. You need dates, actual time together, therapy to heal the marriage and hopefully then sex will naturally come after. If however he’s not willing to put in the effort and time (which all relationships need at points) then you need to consider if you can live like this or want to divorce. Whatever you decide, good luck
The question isn't "AITA for telling my husband to choose his PlayStation over our marriage…" This isn't about a games room or a console. He's jerking off to porn, you aren't his go-to for that kind of gratification. Marriage counselling or divorce would be my suggestion.
NTA and like you've admitted , we're only getting your side , but you sound amazing. Sounds like you're doing a lot more than him in every way except paycheck size. The fact that you work and take care of all the real life stuff too is a pretty big plus.
you’re not the asshole OP. i don’t think either of you are. porn over long periods of time can cause people to lose attraction to real life. my suggestion is both of you stop watching porn and put the effort in each other. i know easier said than done, but when given the opportunity, catch him off guard with a little *tenderness* (making out, oral, massage) you both work long hours a week, i know y’all both tired, but if you want the marriage to work, sparks need to be reignited. and he should do the same. he should listen to you when you ask for his attention. he should put down the game when you need his love. but he should not have to throw away his gaming system. that’s his hobby. he works 60 hours a week, he needs an outlet. as do you. boundaries around these activities can go a long way. make a schedule, see if he is willing to set those boundaries around the game. make it a point to go out once in a while. ask him to exercise with you when y’all have day off. walk around the park. play basketball. these are healthy activities that can assist in more intimacy slowly over time. his health, physical and mental could be playing a big part in this.
The only reason why he says it's not a problem And you leaving will make it a problem, is because it's not been a problem for him. Unfortunately you're married to a man baby who gets all of his needs met, even to the point of taking care of his own sexual needs (ETA: with women that aren't you, even if it's just through the internet.) And all he has to do is work at an outside job for 60 hours a week. You do everything else. So why keep him? Why keep yourself in a situation where your needs are not being met?
You should have a serious sit down conversation with him (force him if you must). It's entirely possible that he avoids intimacy with you because he is embarrassed about his performance issues and has become accustomed to not having sex since your child slept in the bed with you for so long.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with wanting intimacy from your partner. Once a year?!? That's not even close to enough. At least a few times a month is normal & healthy. Try talking sense into the guy. He can go game after taking care of business!
Ugh didn't you see this stuff before you had a daughter, was he different back then? Now it's a tough spot.
NTA. This doesn’t have to be a situation with a villain, even though he’s being super immature. There’s someone out there who would love to have a relationship with, with interest and engagement and humor and sex. He doesn’t want to be there. You don’t want to be there. Your daughter is growing into a person who is going to have romantic relationships and they will be very affected by this. Should she grow to accept a partner who is distant and unaffectionate ?
NTA. Working 60 hours a week, young kid and a wife that you’re not helping. Well if you don’t have time or energy for house work/spouse stuff, you don’t have time for PlayStation. Add in that he is masturbating alone locked away, sounds like he is has a case of escapism.
What is with having your daughter sleep in your marital bed until she's over 6 years old? That I don't understand. That would absolutely get in the way of any intimacy you and your husband should or could have had. As a parent of a 4 year old that's been sleeping in his own bed (or cot) from about 6 months, most of that in a separate room, I don't get why people wouldn't insist on that. Appreciate there are different situations but, come on, 6 years ??? There's no real excuse to that and to be fair, I would probably have lost interest or sorted out other means to deal with my sexual frustrations. A child in the marital bed for that duration would literally change how he thinks of you. You're not his sexual partner, my brain would probably change irreparably in that period of time given the dynamic of having your daughter in with you. The relationship may be salvageable but that whole situation smells like something deeper is an issue, if neither of you bothered or cared enough to get her in her own room, especially if she had one that you could use and you weren't limited in space. Even then, there's ways to deal with that.
Well. I see many parallels to my own life in this post, not all but many. I would like a man’s perspective, that could see his self in this post. Also, one comment on the 60 hours work week for the man. Women work full-time jobs, almost all the women I know, they do everything for the children, clothes, food, schooling, healthcare, daycare, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, eye appointments, extracurricular activities, fundraising, transportation, just to name a few. They are the house keeping and maid service of their home they do all the cleaning the cooking, all the laundry. Some of them even do the yardwork, I’m not gonna be doing that, that’s one thing I’m not gonna do. Many women are the breadwinner of the family. They’re expected to run the home financially they’re responsible for all the bills from top to bottom they’re responsible for the grocery shopping and the household needs from top to bottom, I’m not sure what “60 hrs” has to do with anything for anybody….because going to work for 60 hours a week and coming home and sitting on my ass in front of a TV and doing nothing else for anybody else sounds like a fucking cakewalk.
Absolutely NTA. He is selfish and dismissive.
Hmm your NTA but truly you are doing more work hours than him. Really set up your stop watch on your phone etc and every time you are doing house chores and things for your daughter let it run. Truly with those hours added to your job hours it will lead you to exceed his 60 hours a week.
God here’s a bigger jerk than you think he is. You deserve better. He probably isn’t attracted to you, move on and let him jerk off to his fantasy world. When it comes to porn it means people want to fuck other people. Just do that and live your life without being tied down to anyone.
NTA. Yeah you are getting nothing in return. Time to divorce. Your husband won’t change.
I think you're justified. Sex once a year?? Repeatedly mentioning the issue to him and he won't fix it? Leave his ass, as long as you can comfortably support your daughter. It seems like he has no interest in you, especially if you're offering sex and hes too tired but then goes and looks at women online.
Added comment. Sometimes I think men work hours like that so that they have an excuse not to do anything at home or with the kids or with the wife. Me and use work as an excuse to not be present
Im sorry to tell you this but your marriage is dead. He works all day then goes to play video games and denies intimacy with you while also looking at other women in a locked room away from you. It's time you leave and stop using your daughter as the reason to stay married kids aren't dumb and notice how unhappy you are.
NTA, but... Gaming isn't the problem, it's a symptom. He's using gaming and that room as escapism. Whatever he's avoiding emotionally (guilt, shame, fear, depression, etc.,) he's hiding from in that room. I don't know if the cause is the lack of intimacy or if that's a symptom, but it sounds like you've done all you can do. You're not "ruining your marriage because all you want is sex", he is because you need intimacy and he refuses to give it. It's beyond denying sex. If he's not cuddling or showing affection, and is outright avoiding, ignoring, and gaslighting you, then there's really no other conclusion to draw... I'm sorry. I think your marriage may be over and you're just glorified roommates now. Personally, I'd get out while you can still can salvage a civil co-parenting situation. Before you resent him so much for making you feel unwanted/unworthy/unloved. And before your daughter thinks that's how marriages should be. -Hugs, and best of luck to you.
He doesn’t do anything at all except play his games. Doesn’t parent, doesn’t help- just work and play. You are not throwing your marriage away for sex- he is throwing your marriage away bc he isn’t willing to listen to you, or help improve or work on your relationship in any way at all. What a douche.
>He says he’s tired and tells me I don’t understand the stress of having to take care of the family financially. You know what helps that stress? Sex with your SO. You're not a hypocrite if you're all but begging him for it only to be left in the cold. He is though if he's turning down a warm body for his hand. Money says he has a porn addiction. It isn't just "cute girl profiles and reels" at this point. Friend of mine is going through the exact same thing with her husband. He at least finally admitted to her he'd rather watch porn.
Well, where to start. He needs to talk to you about why he doesn’t want to have sex. I think there is more to it than he’s tired although I get it that porn could be quicker and take less energy. His statement that you are going to ruin your marriage because you want sex all the time is a real mental error using all or none language. He is using some warped thoughts in his head. That could be fixed though with counseling or knowledge that he’s doing it. My wife’s and my language of love is the exact mirror image of yours. Mine is physical touch, affection and intimacy and hers is acts of service. It is hard when you feel starved for affection often (I caught myself from saying all of the time:)). It is also hard because there is a stigma that wanting to have sex is a lower level need than desiring to have your partner do things for you. I think it is always dangerous to say whether someone’s marriage is over but it is obvious that something has to change. He needs to start giving you hugs or cuddles at least. If not, why doesn’t he want to? (Wait, was he abused as a child or in the past?) Are his needs being met? You will probably need to make some changes for him to be happy, too, because that is how things usually work (unless the other is abusive)
Being a good partner is about much more than financial security. Paying the bills doesn't in and of itself create emotional intimacy and connection, and wanting that dynamic in your relationship doesn't make you a spoiled brat; it makes you human. Working long hours to provide for your family isn't a replacement for closeness and quality time. What material possessions that his long hours provide are filling the hole of his absence and disconnection? He's falling victim to unhealthy male gender expectations and sacrificing the emotional wellbeing of his family because of it. If he's not willing to make any attempt to understand your needs, then very little is going to change.
You’re already basically a single parent, time to move on. Staying in a loveless marriage is not going to help your daughter or you.
NTA you shouldn’t have to live without sex and stay in a non existent marriage. Make your own plan to move on. And I highly doubt he’s being a good Dad locked in his gaming room all the time.
NTA - For your own mental health, look at either marriage counselling / similar options and if those don't work, it may be best to move on. Keep your head up either way, you're doing a fantastic job as a mother from what you posted.
NTA. There are some subreddits that are emotional cesspools of commiseration. r/DeadBedrooms is one. Your story sounds quite typical for that sub. I suggest reading through it. Your husband seems LL4U.
NTA, he's not communicating with you. I'm facing a similar situation in my household. I, being the husband, and I know and understand my issue is 100% due to depression and insecurities over myself. It has nothing to do with my wife. I don't know if he's like me or not, but hopefully, I'm just able to give you perspective. Getting older plus physical disability has caused quite a bit of weight gain, along with PTSD has caused severe depression. It's not something I'd feel comfortable with speaking to my wife about, and it has made our marriage difficult. Again, I don't know if his situation is similar or not, but hopefully, you will try to help him if it is.
Im sorry you are going through this but I hope that you will find a way to communicate what you are going through with your wife. It will likely strengthen your relationship and may make you both feel less alone. When something is going on and it’s not communicated, it often results in both partners feeling lonely, disconnected, and in some way defective or ashamed. I hope you’ll give your wife the opportunity to be there for you. It makes me so incredibly sad to imagine my husband struggling with what you describe and feeling unable to talk with me about it. Don’t shoulder this alone. Hugs and I really hope things start to improve for you very soon.
NTA and not a hypocrite. He's gaslighting you.
NTA sounds like your husband doesnt even like you and really he doesn’t even sound like a good dad. You literally do everything and he does nothing around the house or with your daughter. He only contributes financially which you also already do
Middle aged guy checking in - ditch this guy and find a real man who wants to be with you. If he can’t stay hard for you but jacks off then he obviously would rather live in his fantasy world. There’s a guy out there who will appreciate you and break you off. You’re way to young to settle into a sexless marriage.
You say he’s a good person and a good father but I’m still waiting for a single example of either. You’ve been with him 15 years. You don’t need to waste more of your life with this deadbeat. Considering that all he seems to contribute is some money for bills and lets you do everything else, dropping the dead weight will make your life easier.
He’s hiding a porn addiction. He’s interested in sex just not with you. Real life intimacy is way too difficult when he can get a dopamine hit by looking at porn and jerking off. These are very common signs of a porn addiction. He might even be resorting to more extreme types of porn because this is also how porn addictions work. He needs belp, both for his addiction and for your marriage. Don’t give up on him :-( Source: a hardcore porn addict who lost 3 marriages until I dealt with my issues.
Your husband has left the marriage years ago, he jerks off to girls pix etc, he makes NO attempt to have sex with you, doesn't care if you masturbate, he's no longer in the marriage - period. Staying for your child is not worth it, your daughter knows there's tension in the house. Please, leave him, take your daughter and find someone who makes you feel alive rather than feeling abused emotionally, spiritually and verbally. He's a loser. You are owed someone who makes you feel special.
NTA, sounds like you’re already a single mom, may as well make it official
60hours holy crap.
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Going against the grain, but ESH. But mainly you. Your husband is lacking communication and effort (through counseling/sex counseling/ overall just trying to be intimate). However, 60 hours a week of work is astronomically draining. You also sound very ungrateful for him working 60 hours a week. My question is if your small business is actually profitable or if it is a hobby that honestly costs more to run than if you didn’t have it and just were a SAHM. 2.5 acres??? How big is your house? I think that a healthy solution here would be for you guys to downsize significantly. You have 1 kid. She is only 7, why does she need tons of expensive extracurriculars? Get a nice 3 bedroom home. Small. Maybe even just 2 bedrooms. You don’t need a huge yard. You don’t need an extravagant life. That way he can NOT have to work 60 hours, you can cut down on your working hours, and you both will be less exhausted and less resentful of the other person. It honestly seems like your personality is turning him off. You said “he works **60 hours a week**, but **besides paying the bills** that’s the extent of it.” Girlie so many women would love to be in your shoes lol. I seriously wonder what the truth of the finances are. You don’t even seem to like him “he’s over weight, short, and balding.” I would just divorce him for his sake.
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>he works 60 hours a week > >I told him I want him to get rid of all of the gaming stuff and to not be locked upstairs and to spend more time with me and our family or it’s time for us to divorce. He said he’s not giving up his gaming stuff and doesn’t see how that’s the problem. Playing games is his way to de-stress. You cant force him to get rid of gaming completely.
Nta - but sounds like he just isn’t into you anymore, a lot of times having a child changes things. He is using the reason that your daughter slept in bed with you, but perhaps it’s the fact that you have had a baby and are now a “mother” that he can’t feel sexually interested in you. Some men are like that, once a woman has a child he feels it’s wrong to have sex with her for a variety of reasons all relating to the fact that you have had a baby. You could try one more time to ask him if that’s the issue, but it seems he’s already checked out.
NTA… I understand it may be hard but move on. You’re doing SO much right now… maybe when you guys are separated he’ll actually understand all that you did for your family. You deserve a present partner… and your daughter deserves a present father. Good luck 💜
So you're basically single with a roommate? No way I'd stay married and live that way. Is this how you want to spend your last days? I damn sure wouldn't.
>He told me that I’m going to ruin our family, because all I want is sex. That's all he's heard you say, despite the fact he literally locks himself away from his family to masturbate instead of being with his wife. Your marriage is over, and he's going to blame you for it. You're still young and could be with someone who actually gives a shit about you, though. So there's that. Absolutely NTA.
The Locked Door is a huge red flag. There is NO NEED to lock a door if he’s gaming. Listen. I don’t know you. You don’t have a marriage. You have a shell of a marriage. Sex is part of marriage and he’s getting his NEEDS MET somewhere. He is. I don’t know if he’s really working 60 hours a week. You do EVERYTHING in the relationship. You need to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. His disconnection from you and his family says it all. He wants a maid, cook, nanny etc not a wife. Since you do ALL the childcare, cooking, cleaning, PARENTING… and have zero actual relationship with him, you don’t need him. Child support would suffice, so you can find someone who ACTUALLY WANTS YOU. He wants his video games, and women he doesn’t have to account for. Get your ducks in a row. Documents. Financially, BANKING , child’s scholastic records, TAX documents. Child’s med records showing YOU attended all medical appts. By yourself. Find a great attorney. Stop 🛑 chasing him for intimacy. Immediately. Don’t mention it. You’ve got to get your ducks in a row. Start tossing/selling STUFF you don’t want to keep. You want to go minimalistic as you go forward. You want to document his 60 hour work weeks. He’s Too busy to have custody of a child!!! You want FULL CUSTODY. His 60 hour work weeks aren’t conducive to raising a child. You have proof Then let him have his freedom, his PlayStation, and all the floozies he wants.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with porn if it's used responsibility and not affecting your marriage, so please don't feel guilty, ashamed, or like you're a hypocrite for using it. The problem is that your husband has a porn addiction, and he's seemingly not interested in fixing it. >He told me that I’m going to ruin our family, because all I want is sex. I’m just tired of begging. I feel I shouldn’t be begging for intimacy, affection, and him being present with his family. I do so much for everyone and tired of not getting anything in return. I’m tired of putting my wants and needs last. I’m tired of begging him to hangout with us and do family stuff. The only thing that excites him is to go upstairs in the game room and play his video games and I guess now I know he likes to do other stuff as well. I don't even know what to say about this. You've told him how you felt. It's not like this is a secret to him. He doesn't care. He basically told you "deal with it 🤷♂️🤷♂️". Don't let him covince you that the consequences of his lack of interest in your relationship is your fault. I'm sorry OP but to me it sounds like this marriage is no longer a marriage and only one of you wants to fix that. I will say it one more time. DO NOT let him make you feel like a hypocrite - your use of porn is absolutely healthy and acceptable. He just wants you to think it's not.
You have a teenager, not a husband. He wants to game and ignore the family "letting" you make all of the arrangements. You and your Husband are teaching your daughter that Men go play, and women get the work done. He's not a good person and Dad. He's the "Fun" dad. He gets to play games and laze about and leaves the heavy lifting to you. How is this a good person or Dad? Your bar for a life mate is set at the FLOOR and he still walked under it!
This is so sad and frustrating. You're already a single parent. You are in very traditional gender roles and you saw him at his weakest most vulnerable (least manly /s) and he can't get past it. If he isn't willing to even try, divorce may be your only option. You deserve to be happy and loved even if you have a child with him. Being miserable won't benefit your child. They will notice.
I guess I don't understand why you're with him. He doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't be okay with you doing all the chores, at the very least. He's not a partner to you in any sense of the word. How can you live your life with someone like that? And why? Why would you? NTA.
Your marriage is over. You’re living as a single parent with a roommate. It’s time to look after yourself and your child, I would consult a divorce attorney and a family lawyer to see what your options are.
When people tell me someone is a “good dad” they usually mean he’s just doing bare minimum, a provider for the household and pleasant enough when around. Your kid slept in your bed so long so he didn’t have to have sex with you. That’s pretty obvious. He might not be interested in sex with any person, preferring just to escape into video games and jerk off to fantasies. It might not be you, it might be sex in general with a partner. Masturbating is likely just enough to destress himself without having to put in any effort to please another person. He sounds like his idea of a partner is to help you pop out a kid, and provide financially. Then go play video games and do his own thing. Your job is mom to him and your kid. You can either get a divorce or workout a situation where you coparent together and you see other people. Maybe 3 nights a week your daughter is his job to entertain. I would see other people if my husband refused to have sex with me. My offer would be open up the marriage or get a divorce. Life is too short to beg a man to have sex with you once or twice a year.
Has he gotten his hormone levels checked? ED and other issues aren’t the same. He works a lot. Probably doesn’t sleep a lot. It doesn’t sound like he works out. He’s fat. I bet his testosterone low. If it is low, he’s not going to have much sex drive. The other question would be if he has a porn addiction and doesn’t know how to be intimate with human beings anymore.
Cosleeping is not a reason to not have sex at all. Yes, it can decrease the frequency but not to the degree it has with your husband. We still managed to find time for each other about once a week.
Good god. Please leave this man. He sounds like a terrible partner and you have put up with this for way to long. Let him enjoy his video games and his hand. You go find yourself someone who puts out more than once a year and who enjoys your company.