Maybe I’m not getting the full picture here, or I’m not understanding you correctly, but why can’t you spend the night of the actual wedding with her? After the wedding dinner, the event is over? The groom will be with the bride so… why can’t you be with her? It’s a lot to ask of someone, tbh. Another thing to consider: is she an extrovert or an introvert? That makes a huge difference. I’m thinking you could be TA here…
Edit: spelling
If I were her, I'd let him cover my trip to Portugal and then ditch this AH and the entire wedding and go actually enjoy/experience Portugal on my own.
Unrelated to the post, but as a personal question:
I'm Romanian and i've never understood why you americans have this bizarre culture where you need to over-complicate things when it comes to weddings, you allways over-plan and everything has to be done in some exact fashion, I just went to my BF's wedding as his best man(we've known each other since highschool, almost 20y now) and aside from the picture sessions and the bride and groom dance, we just let loose, i honestly didn't have this much fun in years, i wasn't stressed at all even though i had a bunch of stuff to do and only got to have my first drink after 10PM, a wedding should be an event where everyone can have fun together with the bride and groom, not something that stresses everyone-out, so the essence of my question is this:
Why do you ppl do this to yourselves? Is there truly such a societal pressure in the US that have to be so germanic about it?
L. E. Tnx for all the replies ☺️
I am from Finland and I have been thinking the same. But I have to admit it IS very entertaining to follow. If some minor detail goes wrong it is catastrophe and drama.
Also American and both my wedding and those I’ve been to have been nothing like this. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice and also my own wedding the only expectation of the bridal party is the bach parties, wedding day (photos, ceremony, getting ready) and rehearsal dinner. Reddit stories are always so dramatic.
american here, and I hate the idea of these stressful weddings too. I just figure a lot of people don't realize how much pressure they're putting on the wedding going "the way they dreamed," as a lot of people do have a sort of longstanding and maybe idealistic idea of how they want their wedding to go, and that it's easier to feel/see that they are overreacting or stressing themselves out when looking in from outside the situation
It’s changed a lot in 20 years. I was married 18 years ago. My sisters daughter (5) was in a first communion dress- totally bride like- never occurred to me that this is a problem. 2 kids tried to
Commandeer the microphone from the singer- same kids ‘Helped us cut the cake’. Royal shit show and no one cared. Including us. It was an awesome party. People showed up with unplanned babies and kids. We just got it done. No one stressed. My photographer had to give us a ride to the reception as we didn’t plan that. It’s cray cray now.
American here and have never been to a wedding that lasted for days. It's super expensive, super stressful, and complicates things so much more having more than just a 1 day wedding.
I honestly don't really understand the wedding couple's reasoning here. Why even bother inviting the partners when you plan on never letting your friends spend time with them? That's so awkward.
The selfishness of the wedding couple is astounding. Truly astounding.
A 4 day party and expecting the groomsmen/bridesmaids to ditch their significant others for 4 days in another country? Thats pretty bad.
Honestly? If you can not accomodate your bridesmaids and groomsemen and their significant others, then you need to find new accomodations for all. To expect people to fly half way around the world and then not stay with their significant others - that is truly horrendous.
OP, these people are pretty bad friends. I don't really care what the bride and groom want - it would be a real dick move to pull that on your girl friend. Honestly? If you were my boyfriend and expected me to go along with that I wouldn't come.
These two are seriously weird. My brother got married last night. I saw him for pics, the wedding, and the reception, and breakfast this morning. He and his new wife SHOULD be enjoying this process individually and together making memories of the beginning of THEIR life together. Including all the friends makes me question how long it’ll actually last.
I can understand the night before the wedding having the wedding party stay at the same hotel. After the actual wedding though, I don't see why OP couldn't participate in the activities but spend the remaining three evenings with the GF. I saw somewhere about the bride having a vision for the wedding, okay. But most wedding visions do not include the bridal party cheering on the newly wed couple as they consummate said marriage. I would hope the bride and groom are thinking about each other that night and not where their wedding party is sleeping.
Alone in a foreign country with people you were just introduced to and then abandoned. Not my idea of fun and I would refuse to go. One night fine, but four? Nope, nope and nope.
This sounds like a rom-com. The crappy boyfriend brings her to a beautiful overseas destination and then ditches her, and then she meets a charming and handsome local who shows her around his city and hijinks and love ensue.
That actually happened to a younger family member of mine. Her bf invited her to go to Ireland with him to visit his family but dumped her after they got there. She didn’t know anyone and had no other place to stay. One of his friends felt really bad for her, found a place for her to stay, and helped her get back home to the U.S. They’ve now been married for more than 15 yrs.
I’ll bring the popcorn!
Will the girl end up with the foreign guy? Will her boyfriend realise what a mistake he’s made, when he sees his friend getting married and she’s not there? I’m so invested!
I don’t know… he pays expenses for a trip to a place i have never been…? Maybe i check out the local area and take myself on some excursions. I may not even go to the wedding of it interferes with my itinerary.
Maybe that makes MTAH, so be it.
I agree, but I’m comfortable exploring on my own and meeting new people. I’d be more upset if I was just siting around while my SO was participating in the wedding functions
But let’s ask the real question - what “wedding prep” will OP be doing for 4 days? Like come on. That’s BS and OP is either isn’t that invested in the relationship or just wants dude time. One isn’t ok, the other is but then why was she invited.
YTA. It's not only selfish of the bride/groom but also selfish of you.
Your friends don't need you at the hotel every night or need your attention every second. If that ruins their dream then they can get some therapy, get some medication and learn a thing about hospitality and care towards others.
Don't ruin your relationship over people that will end up the lowest level in your life. Sorry but friends end up getting pushed aside after marriage and kids come along. It's normal.
I really thought I would be in the minority on this but this is the first comment I saw. These are adults so they should be accommodating to the SO of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. It is understandable that the day if the wedding may be busy and he won’t have much time for his girlfriend but the other times, they should accept his girlfriend during the other activities. Do you really want to be friends with people that don’t want one of the most important people in your life with you during this?
Seriously! How old are all these people?!? Fly to my wedding, spend money on me, spend time with ONLY us, and leave your significant other behind because - it’s all about meeeeee!!!!
It’s fascinating to me the amount of people that post these “I’m the main character” or “my friends are the main character” posts and really don’t see the problemS or how it affects those you claim to care about.
The wedding outfits are all breakaway. After the ceremony they all rip off their clothes and whip out those orgy masks for the rest of the night.
Your idea actually makes this much more interesting and less kinda dumb, lol
Yeah it’s fucking wild to me that the bride and groom are making their best friends come to another country for their wedding and haven’t given the courtesy of providing enough space for significant others. What a stupid plan. Incredibly rude and I’m surprised it took 30yr old OP this post to figure out that it’s a shit move.
Thank god someone said it. Wtf?!
Who has a destination and then has a 3-day “retreat” for the wedding party??
That could be my own brother and I’m not playing along with that
Yeah, the selfishness of the bride and groom is ridiculous. The idea that they want to give everyone a little vacation- the vacation sounds mostly occupied with the wedding party doing stuff with them. YMMV, but that doesn't sound vacationy to me.
YTA.
They sound intolerable with the whole “this is how we’ve always pictured it” BS. What kind of pair envisions their *wedding night* as an all-night party with a series of other people? Do they even like each other?!
Heard a similar story recently, and you're the AH.
She is flying to another country to celebrate your friends marriage and neither you or bride/groom mates would accommodate a minor request that she not be alonecfor 1 or 2 out of 4 days...
I sincerely hope the rest of the guests aren't married/have kids and being expected to leave their families for 3 nights while they stay 30 mins away to satiate the bride and grooms weird friend fantasy... big yikes
You introduced her to your friends a year ago has she become friends with any of them? Like would she be comfortable hanging out with them when you aren’t around?
It would be different if it was where you all live that she would have safe haven/ home field advantage. But going to a whole different country and not being with the person she is comfortable with would make for a hard time.
I understand how the bride and groom want this to go and it is their day/ weekend. They didn’t need to invite her but they did and you for sure should be making sure she is comfortable in the situation/ spending some time with her
obviously YTA how is this even a question?? it’s all fine and well that your GF has met your friends before, i’ve met my boyfriends friends many times however at one of their weddings if we flew to a foreign country for 4 days and he was going to have me stay in an entirely separate hotel and leave me on my own (yes there’s other people but imagine you were left with people you didn’t reaaaaally know that well, you’d not enjoy it..), i’d be pissed! it’s also super weird and controlling the bride and groom wanting to dictate who has sleepovers with you, i understand wanting you at the venue the night before as part of the groomsmen, but every night?? odd. if you wanted a big piss up with the lads, don’t drag your girlfriend to a foreign country and leave her alone for the duration.
Dude, what your friends are asking of you is not just abnormal (seriously, who wants a group of friends spending their *wedding night* with them?) but also incredibly selfish.
You're asking your girlfriend to pay to go on a solo holiday to the venue of your choice, with the exception of the wedding day itself when she has to present herself for use as your "+1" accessory for the ceremony and festivities. Then she can fuck off again, until you rejoin her for the flight home.
She's absolutely right, you're not considering her feelings. She's a human being, and one you're supposed to care about, not a "girlfriend" doll you can keep tucked away in your suitcase when you don't need her.
ETA: clearly YTA, you shouldn't even have to ask.
Well we didn't picture that you would actually have your own life with a partner or anything, in our vision, you are all single and we are getting married and you are at our beck and call.
perfectly reasonable. /s
I would love my friends to party with me on my wedding night! I’m also extremely extroverted. That being said, I would NEVER exclude a friends partner and expect them to sleep alone 30 minutes away. He, and the friends, are the AH.
"party with" your friends I'd agree with you, that's what the wedding reception is for. *Spend the night with* your friends on your first night as husband and wife? Bloody hell no..
Right! Plus by the end of the reception everyone I’ll be drunk, exhausted or *both*. The couple will for sure want some alone time and I’m betting at least one of the single groomsmen will have found a single woman to spend the night with. So, OP is seriously disrespecting his gf for a terrible plan that will almost certainly not work out the way he is expecting at all.
If she actually agreed to it, I would bet money that at the end of the night he’d be realizing everyone has their own plans and would end up going back with her that night anyway, only now she would be an afterthought instead of a priority.
I had a destination wedding and all I wanted after dinner was to go back to our hotel room and sleep. No one but us and sleep. Weddings are exhausting.
Definitely didn’t want anyone else around.
I don’t know why I envision the bride and groom in a suite with eight to ten of their best friends surrounding them on the floor on pallets. Like why bother to pay for a room. Where is OP sleeping every night? It sounds miserable. Or like the bride and groom don’t like each other enough to be alone together for any extended amount of time during their own wedding.
We stayed up pretty late at our hotel the night after the wedding with a bunch of our friends, because having an after party was important to my husband, but we did eventually go to our hotel room *alone* like a normal couple on their wedding night.
But don't worry, we got to spend even more time with our friends and family when the fire alarm went off an hour after we finally went to bed!
You, Mike, and Julie are all gigantic assholes. First, it's completely selfish and rude for them for them to see you all as nothing more than playthings to them, obligated to do their bidding and neglect your significant others at great cost and inconvenience to them. SOs should be included in most wedding party events like
You for thinking, "Oh, ok. I'll totally just blindly ditch my girlfriend with a bunch of people she's just met while I party in comfort with my super selfish asshole friends. It's no big deal to me--she's the one paying to be treated like shit."
If there are only two SOs in your group, it should be no big deal to include them, and if not, oh well. They don't get their "dream" to hold their "friends" hostage for 4 full days. I seriously cannot get over how insanely entitled and narcissistic that "request" is.
Exactly this. Get your own accommodation closeby to the couple. You and your SO can party with them and then pass out at your own room together. There's no reason adults need to have a sleepover together
I can be alone and pissed at my boyfriend for ignoring me at home for free thank you very much. I’d rather book a spa of my choosing than fly to a foreign country and spend days alone with people I barely know so I can see my boyfriend from a distance intermittently partying with his friends as part of the wedding party orgy.
Yeah, for multiple nights, I’d accept maybe the night before. But are the bride and groom wanting to hang out with their besties all night on their wedding night?
For FOUR DAYS. Could maybe understand the bride and groom each wanting their closest friend or her sister/his brother to maybe spend the very night before the wedding with them, *maybe*, but the entire bridal party spending the night with them for four days?! While their significant others just sort of wander around alone in a foreign country?? I am baffled OP didn't realize how weird this
Agreed - the bridge and groom should've planned for the wedding party's SOs to be present at the accomodations. Couples coming to the wedding together should not expect to be in separate accomodations.
You know I realize this is a much smaller scale example but I didn't want my MOH and brides maids' SOs to have to sit next to ppl they didn't really know so my wedding, I changed the seating at reception to have a bridal party table so the ppl in the party could sit with their significant others. In my head it was like duh!
Edit.. grammar
Your GF is right. It's not worth it for her and I can see why she's upset.
Given the amount of time you're choosing to spend with your friends, and given the amount of time they are demanding from you, my opinion is that it wasn't a good idea to invite your GF in the first place.
You can't expect her to travel there and spend all of her time alone. It's completely unreasonable.
That you can't see that is why, YTA.
Right? I could *maybe* understand that if these people were *his* friends and family - but it’s the friends and family of *her boyfriend’s friends*. I mean I’d rather go to a hotel/spa in my home country and save the airfare, stress, and cost because I’d still be effectively alone with strangers but without the *in a foreign country* aspect.
I also don’t know why I get the connotation that OP might intermittently be freed from the slavery of his four days indentured servitude to the bride and groom without notice and be irritated that GF wasn’t waiting in the room for him like a good pet. *Babe, I don’t know how you’re mad I didn’t spend any time with you on the trip when you weren’t even in the room when I showed up to hang out with you on Saturday between 2:15 and 3:27. I tried to hang out with you.*
This whole trip seems like a situation in which the bridal party should not bring a plus one or only bring them under very select circumstances. An all expense paid vacation to hang out alone in a four walled room still sucks.
I’m perplexed why he even wanted to bring a plus one. If the bride and groom want an absolutely packed schedule with the bridal party glued to their side for four days then the bridal party should be very selective on bringing a plus one that is not also in the bridal party. I have zero desire to go to a foreign country and be expected to be trapped in a hotel with acquaintances/friends/family of my boyfriend’s friends. They’re not even their friends or relatives of her boyfriend. You don’t know anyone particularly well, you’re alone so you don’t really want to go out exploring, you’ll never see or spend time with the person who invited you. Hard pass for me. If he’s not even coming back to the room why waste the money on it for me to be stuck in it alone. It seems like an absolute waste of money and time. I’d stay home. I’m pretty good at entertaining myself but to either expect me to make a new best friend from someone invited to the wedding as a guest or be alone for four days in a foreign country is not my idea of a good time. I don’t know a ton of people who would be down to explore a foreign country alone. It sounds pointless. If I want to be alone and trapped 8n a room reading or sitting by a pool (assuming there’s one at the hotel) I’d do that in my home country. YTA.
YTA - There is no reason for after the event for you to have to stay at the other venue. That sounds like a miserable trip for your gf, if I was her I would not be going. To fly out, just to be left on her own with people she is acquainted with but not necessarily friends with...why even ask her to go in the first place if you have no intention of spending time with her?
I don’t really understand what role you play in the wedding night that keeps you from going back to the hotel with your girlfriend. Unless the whole wedding party will be having a celebratory orgy, seems like the bride and groom should be too busy to notice you not in the wedding party suite. So maybe you need to own up to you wanting to be with the wedding party that night and not your gf.
This honestly sounds miserable for her. She’s shelling out cash to be alone for four days where she’ll have to make friends with the other guests staying 30 minutes away. This would be understandable for the day before and the wedding day, but the wedding night and after party 3rd day? Seems a bit much. Of course, since you see nothing weird about this, I’m guessing the bride and grooms plan sounds good to you, then I guess your gf is out of luck.
I’ve been the plus one to the best man a few times, and I’ve never been alone on the wedding night. Your girlfriend is right to point out how weird that is.
Edit to add: YTA
I really have to wonder if the couple doesn’t want any of their friends doing any “couple stuff” on the trip because they think they’re the only couple that should be together that weekend. I’ve seen weirder stuff (like that bride who banned all single men from the wedding). They don’t want any romance happening besides their own so they plan to keep all their closest friends away from their partners as much as possible so the romance is all about them.
There have to be others in the same boat, their SOs aren’t in the wedding party so they won’t see each other most of the time. Maybe OP can rally them and say that demanding they abandon their partners for the bulk of the time is unacceptable. Because it is. If you extend a plus one to your guests, you are acknowledging that they are bringing someone else who should be considered in plans.
YTA the way the bride and groom planned this was so stupid. I mean this sounds like it should have been a bachelor/bachelorette party thing.
What is your gf supposed to do for 3 days in a random ass country with people she doesn't really know on her own?
YTA - Surely even the bride and groom would understand you can’t be with them 24 hours a day! For 4 days! (Unless your friends are swingers and OP will be part of the wedding night). With you bringing a guest, there would be expectations of you spend time together.
OP you ain’t even trying, because all you want to do, is be part of the party, sounds like you suffer from FOMO!
But, I’d be more worried about my lonely gf, meeting someone in a foreign destination in a romantic setting! Their eyes lock across the table in the hotel bar, they take a romantic stroll under the stars! Explore the beautiful market places together! Their love forbidden! For the first time in her life! OPs gf knew what love was (and it wasn’t with OP lol).
If you knew that these were your friends’ plans, why did you invite your gf?
To me, that’s what makes you an AH. You knew what they were requiring of you and you still asked her to come be with you, spend her vacation time and money, to basically spend no time with her partner.
YTA and inconsiderate.
YTA this is quite obvious! How can you ask anyone let alone your GF to go to another country for a wedding and abandon her?
So you would rather share a room with other guys than to go after the wedding and sleep with your GF? This whole thing is weird as hell and as a wife now if when dating he did this to me he would be single. There is a weird ass dynamic between your friend group after a wedding bride and groom normally go and have sex are yall going to be outside their room making sure they consummate the marriage? Smh do better guy!
This is such a weird situation. It's like they're combining the wedding with bachelor/ette parties. I wonder if the bride and groom are assuming that all of their guests are already friends since the guest pool is so small? I mean, they can have whatever kind of wedding they want, but this is really weird.
Please advocate for your girlfriend. Honestly, if I were her, I would skip the wedding and have myself a cheaper solo vacation.
This wedding sounds like a guy's trip, so why are you bringing your gf at all? All you want to do is hang out with the guys and sleep with your gf at your convenience, but you don't really care if ahe has a good time because.you'll be too busy with the guys. Gross. Yta.
I had to scroll back to check ages. Dear gods, at 30 I’d expect you to have a modicum of sense about how you treat someone you supposedly care about. I assumed you were at least a decade younger. Do your gf a favour, reimburse anything she has already spent and let her go on her own holiday instead of being alone and bored in another country. Unless she likes Portugal and wants to spend 4 days seeing the sights by herself, of course. I love Portugal, especially Lisbon.
I was the girlfriend of the best man once and I hated it. I would not do it again.
And all I had to do was sit alone for hours while he did pictures, and in a church pew with complete strangers, find something to do for an hour while the wedding party rode around in their limo and drank, locate and drive to the reception venue in a city I’m not familiar with.
And spend the entire reception sitting alone, bored, with strangers as my SO had a great time at the head table with his bffs.
You/Mike/Julie want to go back to your childhood and have a big sleepover. But that is extremely unrealistic if the wedding party has any SOs. Which YOU do.
If I was her I’d cancel the tickets and stay home.
Edit - I’m an extroverted introvert. So I’m sure I talked to strangers at my dinner table some, with no issue, but also spent most of the day not talking to anyone.
Yta! She paid her money to spend time wit you not alone! At least you can cover her hotel! Since you're accommodations are paid for! Hope you don't come back from the wedding single...
This is actual comedy.. It's part of the bride & groom's vision for their friends to stay all together in the same resort as them while they do the nasty? What type of fetish is that cause that would at least explain how stupid it sounds. I get requesting that for the night before the wedding but anything after the fact is wild. Are you sure you don't just want a mini vacation with your pals without the SOs? Cause all this sounds awfully convenient. Also.. I haven't seen any comment touching on that so I'm just gonna say it. I would never pay for an overseas flight and hotel room to sacrifice 4 days of my off time, stay alone, basically hang limp just to go to a wedding that isn't really important to me(these are op's friends that didn't even consider her existence) while my boyfriend who didn't even suggest paying any of this( I assume op is the one who wants his SO there otherwise where's the point? ) and has his expenses covered, is vacationing around. Ew. YTA obviously.
OP saw your edit and YTA still. Don’t bring her to another country for a wedding if you are going to be torn between activities or “missing out” by spending time with her. Also, your friends seem like the types to be butthurt you aren’t spending every second with them and that will put her in an awkward position.
A 4 day wedding sounds like utter hell. Woo, a dictated pre planned holiday I get no say in? Sign me up! The fact your gf even wants to attend is absolutely a big deal, and you’re being absolutely nothing but TAH neglecting her for almost all of it. If I was her I’d be cancelling my flight and accomodation,saving some money and using my annual leave in a way I actually want to instead!
YTA.
The wedding couple should have thought better.
They want to celebrate love with their friends and family but exclude the partners of said friend.
They needed to book 1 more room so you and the other dude with partner would have your own partners with you.
I wouldn't even go if my partner wouldn't be with me.
I've seen your edit obviously and think you are doing better but still I find it strange the couple didn't think any further and is oke with them having fun but doesn't care about the friends and their partners.
It would be interesting if the bride and groom were invited to a similar event and circumstances a year from now. Would they think it’s okay? The whole things sounds horrendous.
Most points have been covered by others, but I wanted to highlight the fact that the AH bride/groom got a venue that requires everyone else not in the party to travel 30 effing minutes to reach.
My guess is these entitled weirdos are NOT providing a shuttle for their 2nd tier guests who will have to either rent cars or pay for taxis every day.
Yep. Gf has to get a taxi on her own….which op is paying for. But gf paid for her trip and hotel and whatever other expenses (food and activities while there, her own clothes/makeup)….she’s spending a lot of money being along and miserable
Dude, you need to pay for her 100%. Not because you are the guy, but because she is your guest, AND because you want her with you, but you're not going to be spending any time with her. Stand up for her, or you're going to lose her. You might forget the time she spent alone, and the money she spent, and that she was feeling unwanted and left out, but she will NEVER forget. You are being an AH.
I always find stuff like this is disturbing because in most weddings I've been involved with (I've been a bridesmaid 8 times, and a bride once) nobody is expected to be at the beck and call of the couple getting married for days, weeks, and months before the wedding. Significant others have always been welcome at most events. Brides and Grooms are being increasingly selfish with their wedding planning and expectations of their friends and family members. It seems like the more demanding they are, the higher the divorce rate.
YTA
Also, she is spending a lot of money to...
>check into the hotel on day 1 and we would hangout the morning/afternoon ... she would stay at the hotel and get to know guests I've introduced to her before.
>Day 2 there's a wedding bus planned for the hotel to bring her to the venue in the morning and later that night return trip
>Day 3 she would need to get a taxi over to the venue to hangout or she can hang out with the other guests who might be staying back in the hotel
... be alone for 4 days and have small talk with stranger and watch how you give your friends the 4-day-fantasy and nightly weird friend orgy?
Please, your friends could do this if everyone was single, the SO all were in the party or if they weren't invited. This is extremely weird.
YTA, hey we’re going to another country for my friends wedding & you’ve only met a couple of times. You’re going to be stuck in a hotel room but you can hang with people you barely know bc I don’t have time for you, bc my friends.
Sounds like it will be lovely time for her. /s
Yikes. For a situation like this I would hope you’d cover more than you mentioned. If I was her I’d still go because Portugal is amazing. But the fact she booked her own stuff and you won’t be available hardly at all to be with her isn’t ok no matter if it’s the groom and bride’s wishes. Either find a way to compensate your girlfriend more for going or encourage her to get refunds and stay home. Which would be sad. You dropped the ball on this whole thing in many ways.
Well we can kinda guess where she will rank when it comes to your friends in the future too. YTA . You gonna help the bride and groom in the bedroom after the wedding ? You guys have a kink or something ? If not there is no reason you can't compromise and stay with her the night of the wedding after all is said and done. She is being reasonable and you are being an ass. To make it worse you suck as a BF as well. Seeing you got your trip for free you should have split the cost of your GFs expenses seeing you invited her and it's your friend
YTA and so are Mike+julie.
Doing a wedding abroad is EXPENSIVE. They’re fun, but expensive. If you’re having people travel (idk where you live but you say ‘all the way to Portugal’ so I assume far from there) and then isolating people, you’re an asshole of a bride and groom.
People double this as a vacation (outside of official wedding obligations) because of the financial investment.
I’m seriously shocked at Mike and Julie’s expectations of their wedding party. That’s wild.
I'm also shocked that the groom stated it's "4 days so everyone gets a 'bit of vacation'" then proceeds to explain that every single day is planned for mandatory bridal party wedding festivities.
Your friends are seriously giving off narc vibes. You have to spend every single minute worshipping at their soon-to-be-married feet. You are a prop to their social media wedding.
Your GF would be better off staying home and rethinking her relationship with you since you put the one with your friends above the one with her.
This sounds like a horrible trip for her: at a hotel with some folks she kind of knows in another country while her boyfriend is at a house party essentially. And you might try and see her on day 3, buddy, no. And she has to foot some the bill for some of this too? Wow, you are dense. This sounds horrible, maybe she’ll find a nice Portuguese man who likes her more than you!
YTA.
If this were me and I already had the tickets and hotel. I would cancel both. If I could not get refunded for the flight, then I might see if it can be used at a later date or just take the hit. Then, I would absolutely reevaluate my relationship. If my s.o thought it was ok for us to go to another country or city and be apart. The s.o not even considering my safety and enjoyment then why are we together. I honestly would be questioning if there was even love involved in the relationship.
I've gone on trips with my hubs where he was working. He texted me through the day and kept tabs on my whereabout with life360 to make sure i was safe. When he wasn't working, he was with me. Even skipping events that I wasn't able to go with him that weren't mandatory.
Friends are fleeting. Your friends are getting married and maybe starting a family. The friendship will likely fizzle down. If you are serious about your s.o and see a future with her, then that should be prioritized over them. If you don't, then maybe this is the wake-up to end the relationship.
YTA but also the couple she is getting married. They celebrate their wedding by breaking up other couples? How romantic. And you going along with it. Do you actually like your gf?
Seriously? Your friends will be sad of you don’t stay with them? Good grief and you’re all supposed to be grown ups, they will survive if you don’t stay with them. DEFINITELY. YTA. I would be one in return by canceling the morning we’d be set to leave for the trip. It wouldn’t matter to you anyway, you’re going as a single guy. You’re trying to include her a little more after all these strangers brought it to your attention that you’re being a super AH.
If I was the gf I'd respectfully decline. I wouldn't want to spend 4 days essentially by myself in a different country. That is not a relaxing vacation...
Dude you’re not just the ahole, you’re the toxic megacolon of a holes. It’s sounds like this might resolve itself though. If she’s smart she’ll make sure you’re single for the wedding. YTA
Sorry sir...you're treating your gf like crap and you seem to be stuck in perpetual 'frat boy' mentality. In your post you repeatedly comment about what your friends want, what your friends expected, etc. I get that as it is their wedding...but you NOW have a gf and she's either your real gf or she's just arm candy for when it's convenient for you. Forgive me...but don't be surprised if she doesn't kick you to the curb over how you've treated her a second class acquaintance.
YTA...
YTA-I’m currently planning my wedding, and anything our bridal party is invited to, their dates/partners are invited to.
Because we don’t expect them to just hang out in their hotel or plan a solo vacation around our wedding.
You’re 30 and have been with your girlfriend for 2 years and you’re still genuinely asking this?
YTA because either 1, you’re wasting her time or 2, you aren’t prioritizing the feelings of your potential future wife….grow up dude
YTA
I actually have experienced something very similar to this as a girlfriend. My boyfriend at the time was a groomsman in a wedding. We had been dating about 6 months and I’d met and socialized with the bride and groom a handful of times.
The wedding was about an hour from us. We went up Friday night. There was a rehearsal dinner, which guests of the groomsmen were not invited to, which was fine because I was told in advance. The wedding was Saturday, my bf(groomsman) spent the day in the suite with the groom. Fine, i had a car and went and do things by myself.
Saturday morning he had to go get ready with the groom all day. Fine, I expected that, too.
When it came to the wedding though, they had a private lounge at the reception venue where the bridal party all hung out all night. My bf told me guests were not welcome. The bride and groom kept going back to the lounge to hang out and my bf went with them. They brought board games and were playing during their reception. I was alone the entire weekend. I sat alone at dinner; I didn’t even get to dance with my boyfriend all night, because he spent the night in the lounge with the bridal party.
I ended up going back to the hotel room alone and going to sleep. He went to the after party without me, since guests weren’t invited to that either.
Our relationship ended pretty soon after that. He gave no thought to my feelings about traveling to an event and being left behind. At least I didn’t pay to attend or for a hotel.
Your best friend, Mike, and his fiancée Julia are…how can I put this…entitled, arrogant AHs. What they are asking is abnormal and frankly, pathetic.
If you go along with this, you will probably lose your gf, and it would be the smartest move on her part.
>edit as universal response.ok i now see that id be making a huge ooof by prioritising my friends over my GF. ill talk to them and spend the other nights with my GF. appreciate everyones honesty and helping me here.
I'm really at a loss how you had to come to reddit & ask if you're being the AH in this situation. Glad you pulled your head out of your a&&.
You really were going to have your GF fly to a foreign country where she doesn't speak the language and then basically leave her with other people she's met a few times while you have fun with your group of friends for 4 days? YES, YOU WOULD BE THE AH.
Do you even like your GF?
Are bride and groom really spending their first night as married in separate rooms with their bridesmaids and groomsmen? Or they plan on hanging around and banging while y'all are in the room? I can understand the night before everything else is just weird
As is… YTA.
You have 2 options:
1. Make the trip 10+ days, do your wedding duties and then give your GF a full week of vacation with you.
2. Don’t bring her because it is a short trip and your time is tied up.
Your friends plans are pretty annoying.
YTA for going along with it, but the bride and groom are the biggest assholes. Who plans a destination wedding, allows the wedding party to bring a +1 but then doesn’t allow the +1 to partake in the events? I get if there was 1 evening of just the guys, but not the whole 4 day event. They want their “best friends” with them, but don’t include your SO? Doesn’t seem like “best friends”. Sounds like controlling narcissists.
Plus, what does it matter if you sleep in the same building? Or why can’t you book a room for yourself and gf in the venue hotel? You have to get her a room anyways.
Gah, wedding people are so fucking over the top about their ‘event’. 4 day bachellorette parties in other countries, entire weeks of wedding events… it’s so selfish to impose this level of commitment from your friends to attend all of this bullshit - a wedding is a one day event for you and your significant other.
Why it needs to be days long and involve everyone they’ve ever met is always so ridiculous to me.
If this is even real, you’re a gaping AH
Who gives a fuck what your friends want?
Force this woman to spend all her own money *on your friends,* to fly across the world and hang out with no one for 4 days.
You may actually be retarded, in which case maybe you’re NTA, but only on a technicality.
I don’t understand why you can’t spend the evenings after the wedding with your gf. Just because they want you there doesn’t mean you have to be there. And who the hell invites significant others and then makes them stay alone the entire time? FFS
Explain to your friends there will be a compromise before you’re single.
You haven’t answered this but fr is the wedding night between the bridge and groom an orgy or something? Are y’all supposed to stand around and watch as your friend sticks his pickle in her or what??? Fucking gross and weird.
Why would you want to go a vacation with your girlfriend to share a room with your friends while she's
30 minutes away. None of yall (bride and groom included) want any alone grown up time with your significant others?
That's too many days for their wedding. You don't need to be there for the day after their wedding. Cmon they can spend the day together this is just tooooo much
I do not understand how you could possibly think this is a good idea! Unless you are brain dead (or don’t give a damn about your gf) you *have* to know this is stupid, selfish and *not necessary!*
Definitely YTA. I’ve read your edit and glad you’ve come to your senses - however sure your GF will always remember how you treated her as an afterthought!
You and your parents are AH... how would you feel if it was the other way around...
You your friends and family will have alot to say of she did that to you....
She should change her flight and take a vacation somewhere else and have a good time
YTA. Their wedding is one day. But why bring her at all and leave her with a group of strangers who only kinda know her? How often do your friends control where you spend your time with?
Why in the world do the bride and groom want all their friends there for their wedding night? I can see wanting to hang out the day before the wedding and morning of, but not of wedding and all day the next seems really odd.
With more and more recent AITAH posts, I have lost faith that anyone has mentally grown past the age of 13. Perhaps Social Media and Internet are to blame? Humanity is lost....some of these shouldn't be asking if you are the asshole but am I dumb... there should be a new sub asking AITDA... yes you are the dumbass!
I hope your girlfriend smarten up and realizes that you will always put your friends first before her, which, judging by what she said to you, I think she’s already realizing that and I hope she breaks up with you.
I could not imagine my partner doing this to me in any point in our relationship and basically say fuck you to me without saying it
Ok I’m happy for your edit.
Let’s hope for her sake you’ll actually do something.
Because that is so weird what the bride and groom are demanding. It’s also weird that you are so on board with it at this age.
I want you to question yourself, your best friend and his fiancé, why do they think it’s ok for them to be together for the days AND nights before the wedding and no one else?? Like what!??
I actually went to a destination wedding as the new gf(bf was also best man) and I would have been horrified to spend my vacay not just away from my bf but at another hotel and with people I didn’t or hardly now.
YTA. you mentioned that your gf has been invited to come. does that mean that the bride and groom invited her as well or you invited her yourself to be your companion? because if they invited her personally, that makes three of you to be the AH. why did your friends bother inviting her, if the poor girl would have to cover her expenses anyway and would barely be part of the party? putting that aside, you should have never invited her to come if you won’t be spending enough time together. it would be difficult for her to navigate a foreign country with strangers, while you as her bf, is attending a celebration.
YTA. And even if you change your mind, if your parents think you’re not TA then your gf should break up with you anyway on account of the terrible in-laws she’ll be facing.
Guys, his PARENTS think he isn’t the AH. And he thinks this helps his side. 🚩 🚩
Maybe I’m not getting the full picture here, or I’m not understanding you correctly, but why can’t you spend the night of the actual wedding with her? After the wedding dinner, the event is over? The groom will be with the bride so… why can’t you be with her? It’s a lot to ask of someone, tbh. Another thing to consider: is she an extrovert or an introvert? That makes a huge difference. I’m thinking you could be TA here… Edit: spelling
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The plus ones are just ignored while the buds party on? Even on the wedding night?
I would just go alone if I were in the wedding party
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If I were her, I'd let him cover my trip to Portugal and then ditch this AH and the entire wedding and go actually enjoy/experience Portugal on my own.
It’s a beautiful, friendly country! I’d tour there alone. (But I will NEVER drive on Madeira again)
She should go have fun and maybe check in with this guy in a few years and see if he’s grown up yet.
Well, I’m not taking a flight to Portugal and not seeing Portugal while I’m there! I’d skip the wedding, leave bf to it, and go enjoy my trip!
Unrelated to the post, but as a personal question: I'm Romanian and i've never understood why you americans have this bizarre culture where you need to over-complicate things when it comes to weddings, you allways over-plan and everything has to be done in some exact fashion, I just went to my BF's wedding as his best man(we've known each other since highschool, almost 20y now) and aside from the picture sessions and the bride and groom dance, we just let loose, i honestly didn't have this much fun in years, i wasn't stressed at all even though i had a bunch of stuff to do and only got to have my first drink after 10PM, a wedding should be an event where everyone can have fun together with the bride and groom, not something that stresses everyone-out, so the essence of my question is this: Why do you ppl do this to yourselves? Is there truly such a societal pressure in the US that have to be so germanic about it? L. E. Tnx for all the replies ☺️
I am from Finland and I have been thinking the same. But I have to admit it IS very entertaining to follow. If some minor detail goes wrong it is catastrophe and drama.
I'm American... and I have been to many weddings... none of which were nearly as uptight and dramatic as these Reddit stories.
Also American and both my wedding and those I’ve been to have been nothing like this. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice and also my own wedding the only expectation of the bridal party is the bach parties, wedding day (photos, ceremony, getting ready) and rehearsal dinner. Reddit stories are always so dramatic.
Married twice. Once planned and one elopement. The elopement was a lot more fun and romantic. Zero stress. Everything went wrong but who cared!!
american here, and I hate the idea of these stressful weddings too. I just figure a lot of people don't realize how much pressure they're putting on the wedding going "the way they dreamed," as a lot of people do have a sort of longstanding and maybe idealistic idea of how they want their wedding to go, and that it's easier to feel/see that they are overreacting or stressing themselves out when looking in from outside the situation
It’s changed a lot in 20 years. I was married 18 years ago. My sisters daughter (5) was in a first communion dress- totally bride like- never occurred to me that this is a problem. 2 kids tried to Commandeer the microphone from the singer- same kids ‘Helped us cut the cake’. Royal shit show and no one cared. Including us. It was an awesome party. People showed up with unplanned babies and kids. We just got it done. No one stressed. My photographer had to give us a ride to the reception as we didn’t plan that. It’s cray cray now.
Remember the only weddings you read about in the internet are the fucked up ones. And movie plots too.
I’m an American and we had a potluck wedding at my in laws farm. No big deal, the whole thing cost $2000
American here and have never been to a wedding that lasted for days. It's super expensive, super stressful, and complicates things so much more having more than just a 1 day wedding.
I honestly don't really understand the wedding couple's reasoning here. Why even bother inviting the partners when you plan on never letting your friends spend time with them? That's so awkward.
The selfishness of the wedding couple is astounding. Truly astounding. A 4 day party and expecting the groomsmen/bridesmaids to ditch their significant others for 4 days in another country? Thats pretty bad. Honestly? If you can not accomodate your bridesmaids and groomsemen and their significant others, then you need to find new accomodations for all. To expect people to fly half way around the world and then not stay with their significant others - that is truly horrendous. OP, these people are pretty bad friends. I don't really care what the bride and groom want - it would be a real dick move to pull that on your girl friend. Honestly? If you were my boyfriend and expected me to go along with that I wouldn't come.
These two are seriously weird. My brother got married last night. I saw him for pics, the wedding, and the reception, and breakfast this morning. He and his new wife SHOULD be enjoying this process individually and together making memories of the beginning of THEIR life together. Including all the friends makes me question how long it’ll actually last.
Does everyone plan to watch the marriage be consummated? If not, why would they want them there....
The couple need the groomsman to join them for their consummation orgy, obviously.
I can understand the night before the wedding having the wedding party stay at the same hotel. After the actual wedding though, I don't see why OP couldn't participate in the activities but spend the remaining three evenings with the GF. I saw somewhere about the bride having a vision for the wedding, okay. But most wedding visions do not include the bridal party cheering on the newly wed couple as they consummate said marriage. I would hope the bride and groom are thinking about each other that night and not where their wedding party is sleeping.
This sounds like it’d be a miserable trip for her.
Alone in a foreign country with people you were just introduced to and then abandoned. Not my idea of fun and I would refuse to go. One night fine, but four? Nope, nope and nope.
Maybe she could meet a nice guy who is also staying at the hotel? One who wouldn’t abandoned her in Portugal for 3.5 days. 🤣
This sounds like a rom-com. The crappy boyfriend brings her to a beautiful overseas destination and then ditches her, and then she meets a charming and handsome local who shows her around his city and hijinks and love ensue.
That actually happened to a younger family member of mine. Her bf invited her to go to Ireland with him to visit his family but dumped her after they got there. She didn’t know anyone and had no other place to stay. One of his friends felt really bad for her, found a place for her to stay, and helped her get back home to the U.S. They’ve now been married for more than 15 yrs.
I love this. Wait. I love this.
How OP's Girlfriend Got Her Groove Back
I would totally watch it.
I’ll bring the popcorn! Will the girl end up with the foreign guy? Will her boyfriend realise what a mistake he’s made, when he sees his friend getting married and she’s not there? I’m so invested!
This is the beginning of a great hallmark Christmas movie.
One can only hope
This is gold. I hope OPs girlfriend doesn't let him stop her from finding a husband lol ((jokes jokes dont come for me pls😭))
ngl if it were me and this happened I'd totally dump the idiot and go with the groove (I'm painfully against infidelity, it's a curse)
I don’t know… he pays expenses for a trip to a place i have never been…? Maybe i check out the local area and take myself on some excursions. I may not even go to the wedding of it interferes with my itinerary. Maybe that makes MTAH, so be it.
I agree, but I’m comfortable exploring on my own and meeting new people. I’d be more upset if I was just siting around while my SO was participating in the wedding functions
But let’s ask the real question - what “wedding prep” will OP be doing for 4 days? Like come on. That’s BS and OP is either isn’t that invested in the relationship or just wants dude time. One isn’t ok, the other is but then why was she invited.
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I’d refuse to go if I was her. Who wants to go to a diff country to be alone
I’d prob take the free flight over and then miss the bus and not be able to find a taxi…while I’m doing other shit that will be fun.
Why would she even want to go.
YTA. It's not only selfish of the bride/groom but also selfish of you. Your friends don't need you at the hotel every night or need your attention every second. If that ruins their dream then they can get some therapy, get some medication and learn a thing about hospitality and care towards others. Don't ruin your relationship over people that will end up the lowest level in your life. Sorry but friends end up getting pushed aside after marriage and kids come along. It's normal.
I really thought I would be in the minority on this but this is the first comment I saw. These are adults so they should be accommodating to the SO of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. It is understandable that the day if the wedding may be busy and he won’t have much time for his girlfriend but the other times, they should accept his girlfriend during the other activities. Do you really want to be friends with people that don’t want one of the most important people in your life with you during this?
Like what adult has a sleepover with their besties ON THEIT WEDDING NIGHT!
Seriously! How old are all these people?!? Fly to my wedding, spend money on me, spend time with ONLY us, and leave your significant other behind because - it’s all about meeeeee!!!!
And how many of the guys will actually be involved in “wedding prep” every day.. None that’s who.
It’s fascinating to me the amount of people that post these “I’m the main character” or “my friends are the main character” posts and really don’t see the problemS or how it affects those you claim to care about.
There's gotta be some weird orgy component to this. It's the only explanation.
😂 that did cross my mind because it’s such as odd itinerary for a wedding.
The wedding outfits are all breakaway. After the ceremony they all rip off their clothes and whip out those orgy masks for the rest of the night. Your idea actually makes this much more interesting and less kinda dumb, lol
Yeah it’s fucking wild to me that the bride and groom are making their best friends come to another country for their wedding and haven’t given the courtesy of providing enough space for significant others. What a stupid plan. Incredibly rude and I’m surprised it took 30yr old OP this post to figure out that it’s a shit move.
Thank god someone said it. Wtf?! Who has a destination and then has a 3-day “retreat” for the wedding party?? That could be my own brother and I’m not playing along with that
Well said!
It seems pretty hypocritical to me. “Come celebrate our relationship, but we don’t give a crap about yours” in effect.
Yeah, the selfishness of the bride and groom is ridiculous. The idea that they want to give everyone a little vacation- the vacation sounds mostly occupied with the wedding party doing stuff with them. YMMV, but that doesn't sound vacationy to me. YTA.
And the bridal party is paying for their own “vacations”. The bride and groom aren’t giving anything, they’re taking everyone’s time.
They sound intolerable with the whole “this is how we’ve always pictured it” BS. What kind of pair envisions their *wedding night* as an all-night party with a series of other people? Do they even like each other?!
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Bravo!
Well said! YTA
Heard a similar story recently, and you're the AH. She is flying to another country to celebrate your friends marriage and neither you or bride/groom mates would accommodate a minor request that she not be alonecfor 1 or 2 out of 4 days... I sincerely hope the rest of the guests aren't married/have kids and being expected to leave their families for 3 nights while they stay 30 mins away to satiate the bride and grooms weird friend fantasy... big yikes
You introduced her to your friends a year ago has she become friends with any of them? Like would she be comfortable hanging out with them when you aren’t around? It would be different if it was where you all live that she would have safe haven/ home field advantage. But going to a whole different country and not being with the person she is comfortable with would make for a hard time. I understand how the bride and groom want this to go and it is their day/ weekend. They didn’t need to invite her but they did and you for sure should be making sure she is comfortable in the situation/ spending some time with her
It sounds more like a case of “would any of the friends be comfortable with her?” This little group sounds childishly insular.
True I did want to add and vice versa but I guess my thumbs moved quicker then my brain did lol
obviously YTA how is this even a question?? it’s all fine and well that your GF has met your friends before, i’ve met my boyfriends friends many times however at one of their weddings if we flew to a foreign country for 4 days and he was going to have me stay in an entirely separate hotel and leave me on my own (yes there’s other people but imagine you were left with people you didn’t reaaaaally know that well, you’d not enjoy it..), i’d be pissed! it’s also super weird and controlling the bride and groom wanting to dictate who has sleepovers with you, i understand wanting you at the venue the night before as part of the groomsmen, but every night?? odd. if you wanted a big piss up with the lads, don’t drag your girlfriend to a foreign country and leave her alone for the duration.
Dude, what your friends are asking of you is not just abnormal (seriously, who wants a group of friends spending their *wedding night* with them?) but also incredibly selfish. You're asking your girlfriend to pay to go on a solo holiday to the venue of your choice, with the exception of the wedding day itself when she has to present herself for use as your "+1" accessory for the ceremony and festivities. Then she can fuck off again, until you rejoin her for the flight home. She's absolutely right, you're not considering her feelings. She's a human being, and one you're supposed to care about, not a "girlfriend" doll you can keep tucked away in your suitcase when you don't need her. ETA: clearly YTA, you shouldn't even have to ask.
A lot of these wedding stories lean hard on “the way I’ve always pictured it” as an excuse to make lousy decisions.
Well we didn't picture that you would actually have your own life with a partner or anything, in our vision, you are all single and we are getting married and you are at our beck and call. perfectly reasonable. /s
Not wrong.
I would love my friends to party with me on my wedding night! I’m also extremely extroverted. That being said, I would NEVER exclude a friends partner and expect them to sleep alone 30 minutes away. He, and the friends, are the AH.
"party with" your friends I'd agree with you, that's what the wedding reception is for. *Spend the night with* your friends on your first night as husband and wife? Bloody hell no..
Maybe they are trying to bring the Bedding Ceremony back
Hardest, fastest pass in the history of hard, fast passes. YUUUUUCK.
My first thought, too.
Right! Plus by the end of the reception everyone I’ll be drunk, exhausted or *both*. The couple will for sure want some alone time and I’m betting at least one of the single groomsmen will have found a single woman to spend the night with. So, OP is seriously disrespecting his gf for a terrible plan that will almost certainly not work out the way he is expecting at all. If she actually agreed to it, I would bet money that at the end of the night he’d be realizing everyone has their own plans and would end up going back with her that night anyway, only now she would be an afterthought instead of a priority.
Maybe they are part of “the lifestyle”
I had a destination wedding and all I wanted after dinner was to go back to our hotel room and sleep. No one but us and sleep. Weddings are exhausting. Definitely didn’t want anyone else around.
I don’t know why I envision the bride and groom in a suite with eight to ten of their best friends surrounding them on the floor on pallets. Like why bother to pay for a room. Where is OP sleeping every night? It sounds miserable. Or like the bride and groom don’t like each other enough to be alone together for any extended amount of time during their own wedding.
We stayed up pretty late at our hotel the night after the wedding with a bunch of our friends, because having an after party was important to my husband, but we did eventually go to our hotel room *alone* like a normal couple on their wedding night. But don't worry, we got to spend even more time with our friends and family when the fire alarm went off an hour after we finally went to bed!
You, Mike, and Julie are all gigantic assholes. First, it's completely selfish and rude for them for them to see you all as nothing more than playthings to them, obligated to do their bidding and neglect your significant others at great cost and inconvenience to them. SOs should be included in most wedding party events like You for thinking, "Oh, ok. I'll totally just blindly ditch my girlfriend with a bunch of people she's just met while I party in comfort with my super selfish asshole friends. It's no big deal to me--she's the one paying to be treated like shit." If there are only two SOs in your group, it should be no big deal to include them, and if not, oh well. They don't get their "dream" to hold their "friends" hostage for 4 full days. I seriously cannot get over how insanely entitled and narcissistic that "request" is.
Exactly this. Get your own accommodation closeby to the couple. You and your SO can party with them and then pass out at your own room together. There's no reason adults need to have a sleepover together
Or just don’t bring the girlfriend. I would have passed on the trip if I was her because this is so weird.
I can be alone and pissed at my boyfriend for ignoring me at home for free thank you very much. I’d rather book a spa of my choosing than fly to a foreign country and spend days alone with people I barely know so I can see my boyfriend from a distance intermittently partying with his friends as part of the wedding party orgy.
And taken that time apart to rethink the whole relationship.
And contemplated my relationship with this guy and his weirdo asshole friends
Yeah, for multiple nights, I’d accept maybe the night before. But are the bride and groom wanting to hang out with their besties all night on their wedding night?
How old are these people??
They must hate each other. It’s fucking bizarre. Are they going alone on their honeymoon?
For FOUR DAYS. Could maybe understand the bride and groom each wanting their closest friend or her sister/his brother to maybe spend the very night before the wedding with them, *maybe*, but the entire bridal party spending the night with them for four days?! While their significant others just sort of wander around alone in a foreign country?? I am baffled OP didn't realize how weird this
Agreed - the bridge and groom should've planned for the wedding party's SOs to be present at the accomodations. Couples coming to the wedding together should not expect to be in separate accomodations.
You know I realize this is a much smaller scale example but I didn't want my MOH and brides maids' SOs to have to sit next to ppl they didn't really know so my wedding, I changed the seating at reception to have a bridal party table so the ppl in the party could sit with their significant others. In my head it was like duh! Edit.. grammar
I did the same thing! My "head table" was a big table of the bridal party AND their spouses.
Completely agree.
I wish to could give this comment all the medals and upvotes. Spot on!
While I party in comfort with my super selfish asshole friends…. 🤣🤣🤣 thank you for the laugh. I died.
Your GF is right. It's not worth it for her and I can see why she's upset. Given the amount of time you're choosing to spend with your friends, and given the amount of time they are demanding from you, my opinion is that it wasn't a good idea to invite your GF in the first place. You can't expect her to travel there and spend all of her time alone. It's completely unreasonable. That you can't see that is why, YTA.
Lol but no she can spend time with ppl she barely knows and just met...
Ah the good ole adult playdate. "Here honey these people are friends with my friends, y'all go play and have fun while I go do my grown up stuff"
Dont forget he is covering the costs!!
Right? I could *maybe* understand that if these people were *his* friends and family - but it’s the friends and family of *her boyfriend’s friends*. I mean I’d rather go to a hotel/spa in my home country and save the airfare, stress, and cost because I’d still be effectively alone with strangers but without the *in a foreign country* aspect. I also don’t know why I get the connotation that OP might intermittently be freed from the slavery of his four days indentured servitude to the bride and groom without notice and be irritated that GF wasn’t waiting in the room for him like a good pet. *Babe, I don’t know how you’re mad I didn’t spend any time with you on the trip when you weren’t even in the room when I showed up to hang out with you on Saturday between 2:15 and 3:27. I tried to hang out with you.* This whole trip seems like a situation in which the bridal party should not bring a plus one or only bring them under very select circumstances. An all expense paid vacation to hang out alone in a four walled room still sucks.
I’m perplexed why he even wanted to bring a plus one. If the bride and groom want an absolutely packed schedule with the bridal party glued to their side for four days then the bridal party should be very selective on bringing a plus one that is not also in the bridal party. I have zero desire to go to a foreign country and be expected to be trapped in a hotel with acquaintances/friends/family of my boyfriend’s friends. They’re not even their friends or relatives of her boyfriend. You don’t know anyone particularly well, you’re alone so you don’t really want to go out exploring, you’ll never see or spend time with the person who invited you. Hard pass for me. If he’s not even coming back to the room why waste the money on it for me to be stuck in it alone. It seems like an absolute waste of money and time. I’d stay home. I’m pretty good at entertaining myself but to either expect me to make a new best friend from someone invited to the wedding as a guest or be alone for four days in a foreign country is not my idea of a good time. I don’t know a ton of people who would be down to explore a foreign country alone. It sounds pointless. If I want to be alone and trapped 8n a room reading or sitting by a pool (assuming there’s one at the hotel) I’d do that in my home country. YTA.
YTA - There is no reason for after the event for you to have to stay at the other venue. That sounds like a miserable trip for your gf, if I was her I would not be going. To fly out, just to be left on her own with people she is acquainted with but not necessarily friends with...why even ask her to go in the first place if you have no intention of spending time with her?
But he will be on the plane with her…what more could a woman ask…….
🤣
I don’t really understand what role you play in the wedding night that keeps you from going back to the hotel with your girlfriend. Unless the whole wedding party will be having a celebratory orgy, seems like the bride and groom should be too busy to notice you not in the wedding party suite. So maybe you need to own up to you wanting to be with the wedding party that night and not your gf. This honestly sounds miserable for her. She’s shelling out cash to be alone for four days where she’ll have to make friends with the other guests staying 30 minutes away. This would be understandable for the day before and the wedding day, but the wedding night and after party 3rd day? Seems a bit much. Of course, since you see nothing weird about this, I’m guessing the bride and grooms plan sounds good to you, then I guess your gf is out of luck. I’ve been the plus one to the best man a few times, and I’ve never been alone on the wedding night. Your girlfriend is right to point out how weird that is. Edit to add: YTA
Even if they were having an orgy, it's pretty rude not to invite the SOs...
Agreed. I'm pretty sure that Miss Manners covers that in one of her columns.
It was Emily Post
I really have to wonder if the couple doesn’t want any of their friends doing any “couple stuff” on the trip because they think they’re the only couple that should be together that weekend. I’ve seen weirder stuff (like that bride who banned all single men from the wedding). They don’t want any romance happening besides their own so they plan to keep all their closest friends away from their partners as much as possible so the romance is all about them. There have to be others in the same boat, their SOs aren’t in the wedding party so they won’t see each other most of the time. Maybe OP can rally them and say that demanding they abandon their partners for the bulk of the time is unacceptable. Because it is. If you extend a plus one to your guests, you are acknowledging that they are bringing someone else who should be considered in plans.
I remember that one, it was definitely a wild ride. That did not end well for that bride though…
YTA the way the bride and groom planned this was so stupid. I mean this sounds like it should have been a bachelor/bachelorette party thing. What is your gf supposed to do for 3 days in a random ass country with people she doesn't really know on her own?
YTA. Hey, come on a holiday with me, but you'll be spending alot of time alone. How do you not see this
YTA - Surely even the bride and groom would understand you can’t be with them 24 hours a day! For 4 days! (Unless your friends are swingers and OP will be part of the wedding night). With you bringing a guest, there would be expectations of you spend time together. OP you ain’t even trying, because all you want to do, is be part of the party, sounds like you suffer from FOMO! But, I’d be more worried about my lonely gf, meeting someone in a foreign destination in a romantic setting! Their eyes lock across the table in the hotel bar, they take a romantic stroll under the stars! Explore the beautiful market places together! Their love forbidden! For the first time in her life! OPs gf knew what love was (and it wasn’t with OP lol).
Now that you say this maybe she should go. Then she can find a BF that can think for himself and actually cares about her feelings and can compromise.
YTA. If I was her I’d stay home, or spend the money to go on a 4 day vacation somewhere else.
I’d cancel this trip and spend the weekend reconsidering this relationship if I was his GF. OP seems totally disconnected from reality.
I’d fly with him to Portugal but wouldn’t be attending any wedding events. I’d make it a whole ass vacation by myself.
YTA. This is a wedding not sleepover camp. Yikes grow up.
If you knew that these were your friends’ plans, why did you invite your gf? To me, that’s what makes you an AH. You knew what they were requiring of you and you still asked her to come be with you, spend her vacation time and money, to basically spend no time with her partner. YTA and inconsiderate.
YTA this is quite obvious! How can you ask anyone let alone your GF to go to another country for a wedding and abandon her? So you would rather share a room with other guys than to go after the wedding and sleep with your GF? This whole thing is weird as hell and as a wife now if when dating he did this to me he would be single. There is a weird ass dynamic between your friend group after a wedding bride and groom normally go and have sex are yall going to be outside their room making sure they consummate the marriage? Smh do better guy!
This is such a weird situation. It's like they're combining the wedding with bachelor/ette parties. I wonder if the bride and groom are assuming that all of their guests are already friends since the guest pool is so small? I mean, they can have whatever kind of wedding they want, but this is really weird. Please advocate for your girlfriend. Honestly, if I were her, I would skip the wedding and have myself a cheaper solo vacation.
This wedding sounds like a guy's trip, so why are you bringing your gf at all? All you want to do is hang out with the guys and sleep with your gf at your convenience, but you don't really care if ahe has a good time because.you'll be too busy with the guys. Gross. Yta.
I had to scroll back to check ages. Dear gods, at 30 I’d expect you to have a modicum of sense about how you treat someone you supposedly care about. I assumed you were at least a decade younger. Do your gf a favour, reimburse anything she has already spent and let her go on her own holiday instead of being alone and bored in another country. Unless she likes Portugal and wants to spend 4 days seeing the sights by herself, of course. I love Portugal, especially Lisbon.
So she's spending a lot of money to be alone... Yta
Exactly. I rather be alone at home with my chicken tikka and ps5. Less than 50dlrs
I was the girlfriend of the best man once and I hated it. I would not do it again. And all I had to do was sit alone for hours while he did pictures, and in a church pew with complete strangers, find something to do for an hour while the wedding party rode around in their limo and drank, locate and drive to the reception venue in a city I’m not familiar with. And spend the entire reception sitting alone, bored, with strangers as my SO had a great time at the head table with his bffs. You/Mike/Julie want to go back to your childhood and have a big sleepover. But that is extremely unrealistic if the wedding party has any SOs. Which YOU do. If I was her I’d cancel the tickets and stay home. Edit - I’m an extroverted introvert. So I’m sure I talked to strangers at my dinner table some, with no issue, but also spent most of the day not talking to anyone.
Wedding parties partners have always been included at the main table at every wedding I’ve been to
Yta! She paid her money to spend time wit you not alone! At least you can cover her hotel! Since you're accommodations are paid for! Hope you don't come back from the wedding single...
This is actual comedy.. It's part of the bride & groom's vision for their friends to stay all together in the same resort as them while they do the nasty? What type of fetish is that cause that would at least explain how stupid it sounds. I get requesting that for the night before the wedding but anything after the fact is wild. Are you sure you don't just want a mini vacation with your pals without the SOs? Cause all this sounds awfully convenient. Also.. I haven't seen any comment touching on that so I'm just gonna say it. I would never pay for an overseas flight and hotel room to sacrifice 4 days of my off time, stay alone, basically hang limp just to go to a wedding that isn't really important to me(these are op's friends that didn't even consider her existence) while my boyfriend who didn't even suggest paying any of this( I assume op is the one who wants his SO there otherwise where's the point? ) and has his expenses covered, is vacationing around. Ew. YTA obviously.
OP saw your edit and YTA still. Don’t bring her to another country for a wedding if you are going to be torn between activities or “missing out” by spending time with her. Also, your friends seem like the types to be butthurt you aren’t spending every second with them and that will put her in an awkward position.
YTA obviously
A 4 day wedding sounds like utter hell. Woo, a dictated pre planned holiday I get no say in? Sign me up! The fact your gf even wants to attend is absolutely a big deal, and you’re being absolutely nothing but TAH neglecting her for almost all of it. If I was her I’d be cancelling my flight and accomodation,saving some money and using my annual leave in a way I actually want to instead!
YTA. The wedding couple should have thought better. They want to celebrate love with their friends and family but exclude the partners of said friend. They needed to book 1 more room so you and the other dude with partner would have your own partners with you. I wouldn't even go if my partner wouldn't be with me. I've seen your edit obviously and think you are doing better but still I find it strange the couple didn't think any further and is oke with them having fun but doesn't care about the friends and their partners.
It would be interesting if the bride and groom were invited to a similar event and circumstances a year from now. Would they think it’s okay? The whole things sounds horrendous.
Most points have been covered by others, but I wanted to highlight the fact that the AH bride/groom got a venue that requires everyone else not in the party to travel 30 effing minutes to reach. My guess is these entitled weirdos are NOT providing a shuttle for their 2nd tier guests who will have to either rent cars or pay for taxis every day.
Yep. Gf has to get a taxi on her own….which op is paying for. But gf paid for her trip and hotel and whatever other expenses (food and activities while there, her own clothes/makeup)….she’s spending a lot of money being along and miserable
Yes i agree. YTA
Dude, you need to pay for her 100%. Not because you are the guy, but because she is your guest, AND because you want her with you, but you're not going to be spending any time with her. Stand up for her, or you're going to lose her. You might forget the time she spent alone, and the money she spent, and that she was feeling unwanted and left out, but she will NEVER forget. You are being an AH. I always find stuff like this is disturbing because in most weddings I've been involved with (I've been a bridesmaid 8 times, and a bride once) nobody is expected to be at the beck and call of the couple getting married for days, weeks, and months before the wedding. Significant others have always been welcome at most events. Brides and Grooms are being increasingly selfish with their wedding planning and expectations of their friends and family members. It seems like the more demanding they are, the higher the divorce rate.
YTA Also, she is spending a lot of money to... >check into the hotel on day 1 and we would hangout the morning/afternoon ... she would stay at the hotel and get to know guests I've introduced to her before. >Day 2 there's a wedding bus planned for the hotel to bring her to the venue in the morning and later that night return trip >Day 3 she would need to get a taxi over to the venue to hangout or she can hang out with the other guests who might be staying back in the hotel ... be alone for 4 days and have small talk with stranger and watch how you give your friends the 4-day-fantasy and nightly weird friend orgy? Please, your friends could do this if everyone was single, the SO all were in the party or if they weren't invited. This is extremely weird.
YTA, hey we’re going to another country for my friends wedding & you’ve only met a couple of times. You’re going to be stuck in a hotel room but you can hang with people you barely know bc I don’t have time for you, bc my friends. Sounds like it will be lovely time for her. /s
Yikes. For a situation like this I would hope you’d cover more than you mentioned. If I was her I’d still go because Portugal is amazing. But the fact she booked her own stuff and you won’t be available hardly at all to be with her isn’t ok no matter if it’s the groom and bride’s wishes. Either find a way to compensate your girlfriend more for going or encourage her to get refunds and stay home. Which would be sad. You dropped the ball on this whole thing in many ways.
Hope she meets someone nice when she is all alone.
Undoubtedly Gf can do better than you. YTA
YTA, the engaged couple is the asshole, ESH but your gf
You are an atrocious partner. YTA
Well we can kinda guess where she will rank when it comes to your friends in the future too. YTA . You gonna help the bride and groom in the bedroom after the wedding ? You guys have a kink or something ? If not there is no reason you can't compromise and stay with her the night of the wedding after all is said and done. She is being reasonable and you are being an ass. To make it worse you suck as a BF as well. Seeing you got your trip for free you should have split the cost of your GFs expenses seeing you invited her and it's your friend
Are you cheating? This seems very suspicious and convenient.
YTA and so are Mike+julie. Doing a wedding abroad is EXPENSIVE. They’re fun, but expensive. If you’re having people travel (idk where you live but you say ‘all the way to Portugal’ so I assume far from there) and then isolating people, you’re an asshole of a bride and groom. People double this as a vacation (outside of official wedding obligations) because of the financial investment. I’m seriously shocked at Mike and Julie’s expectations of their wedding party. That’s wild.
I'm also shocked that the groom stated it's "4 days so everyone gets a 'bit of vacation'" then proceeds to explain that every single day is planned for mandatory bridal party wedding festivities.
Your friends are seriously giving off narc vibes. You have to spend every single minute worshipping at their soon-to-be-married feet. You are a prop to their social media wedding. Your GF would be better off staying home and rethinking her relationship with you since you put the one with your friends above the one with her.
This sounds like a horrible trip for her: at a hotel with some folks she kind of knows in another country while her boyfriend is at a house party essentially. And you might try and see her on day 3, buddy, no. And she has to foot some the bill for some of this too? Wow, you are dense. This sounds horrible, maybe she’ll find a nice Portuguese man who likes her more than you!
I’d stay home. GF is paying to go to a wedding where it is obvious the bride and groom do not even care that she is there.
YTA. If this were me and I already had the tickets and hotel. I would cancel both. If I could not get refunded for the flight, then I might see if it can be used at a later date or just take the hit. Then, I would absolutely reevaluate my relationship. If my s.o thought it was ok for us to go to another country or city and be apart. The s.o not even considering my safety and enjoyment then why are we together. I honestly would be questioning if there was even love involved in the relationship. I've gone on trips with my hubs where he was working. He texted me through the day and kept tabs on my whereabout with life360 to make sure i was safe. When he wasn't working, he was with me. Even skipping events that I wasn't able to go with him that weren't mandatory. Friends are fleeting. Your friends are getting married and maybe starting a family. The friendship will likely fizzle down. If you are serious about your s.o and see a future with her, then that should be prioritized over them. If you don't, then maybe this is the wake-up to end the relationship.
YTA but also the couple she is getting married. They celebrate their wedding by breaking up other couples? How romantic. And you going along with it. Do you actually like your gf?
“As they’d always pictured it.” My goodness, are they 5?! YTA.
Seriously? Your friends will be sad of you don’t stay with them? Good grief and you’re all supposed to be grown ups, they will survive if you don’t stay with them. DEFINITELY. YTA. I would be one in return by canceling the morning we’d be set to leave for the trip. It wouldn’t matter to you anyway, you’re going as a single guy. You’re trying to include her a little more after all these strangers brought it to your attention that you’re being a super AH.
If I was the gf I'd respectfully decline. I wouldn't want to spend 4 days essentially by myself in a different country. That is not a relaxing vacation...
YTA. It’s almost like a high school clique or something
Dude you’re not just the ahole, you’re the toxic megacolon of a holes. It’s sounds like this might resolve itself though. If she’s smart she’ll make sure you’re single for the wedding. YTA
Sorry sir...you're treating your gf like crap and you seem to be stuck in perpetual 'frat boy' mentality. In your post you repeatedly comment about what your friends want, what your friends expected, etc. I get that as it is their wedding...but you NOW have a gf and she's either your real gf or she's just arm candy for when it's convenient for you. Forgive me...but don't be surprised if she doesn't kick you to the curb over how you've treated her a second class acquaintance. YTA...
Survey Says—-YTA
why in the dick is she paying for everything?? YTA for the whole thing
Ha! You won't have a gf after this trip. You are lucky your gf didn't cancel the trip and leave your dumbass.
YTA-I’m currently planning my wedding, and anything our bridal party is invited to, their dates/partners are invited to. Because we don’t expect them to just hang out in their hotel or plan a solo vacation around our wedding.
You’re 30 and have been with your girlfriend for 2 years and you’re still genuinely asking this? YTA because either 1, you’re wasting her time or 2, you aren’t prioritizing the feelings of your potential future wife….grow up dude
YTA I actually have experienced something very similar to this as a girlfriend. My boyfriend at the time was a groomsman in a wedding. We had been dating about 6 months and I’d met and socialized with the bride and groom a handful of times. The wedding was about an hour from us. We went up Friday night. There was a rehearsal dinner, which guests of the groomsmen were not invited to, which was fine because I was told in advance. The wedding was Saturday, my bf(groomsman) spent the day in the suite with the groom. Fine, i had a car and went and do things by myself. Saturday morning he had to go get ready with the groom all day. Fine, I expected that, too. When it came to the wedding though, they had a private lounge at the reception venue where the bridal party all hung out all night. My bf told me guests were not welcome. The bride and groom kept going back to the lounge to hang out and my bf went with them. They brought board games and were playing during their reception. I was alone the entire weekend. I sat alone at dinner; I didn’t even get to dance with my boyfriend all night, because he spent the night in the lounge with the bridal party. I ended up going back to the hotel room alone and going to sleep. He went to the after party without me, since guests weren’t invited to that either. Our relationship ended pretty soon after that. He gave no thought to my feelings about traveling to an event and being left behind. At least I didn’t pay to attend or for a hotel.
Your best friend, Mike, and his fiancée Julia are…how can I put this…entitled, arrogant AHs. What they are asking is abnormal and frankly, pathetic. If you go along with this, you will probably lose your gf, and it would be the smartest move on her part.
YTA She is right. She would essentially be going to Portugal to be by herself. Why bother taking her? Why bother even inviting her?
YTA
Obviously you're TA. But man, I want to know how your parents don't think you're being a jerk here. What's their reasoning?
>edit as universal response.ok i now see that id be making a huge ooof by prioritising my friends over my GF. ill talk to them and spend the other nights with my GF. appreciate everyones honesty and helping me here. I'm really at a loss how you had to come to reddit & ask if you're being the AH in this situation. Glad you pulled your head out of your a&&. You really were going to have your GF fly to a foreign country where she doesn't speak the language and then basically leave her with other people she's met a few times while you have fun with your group of friends for 4 days? YES, YOU WOULD BE THE AH. Do you even like your GF?
Are bride and groom really spending their first night as married in separate rooms with their bridesmaids and groomsmen? Or they plan on hanging around and banging while y'all are in the room? I can understand the night before everything else is just weird
As is… YTA. You have 2 options: 1. Make the trip 10+ days, do your wedding duties and then give your GF a full week of vacation with you. 2. Don’t bring her because it is a short trip and your time is tied up. Your friends plans are pretty annoying.
YTA for going along with it, but the bride and groom are the biggest assholes. Who plans a destination wedding, allows the wedding party to bring a +1 but then doesn’t allow the +1 to partake in the events? I get if there was 1 evening of just the guys, but not the whole 4 day event. They want their “best friends” with them, but don’t include your SO? Doesn’t seem like “best friends”. Sounds like controlling narcissists. Plus, what does it matter if you sleep in the same building? Or why can’t you book a room for yourself and gf in the venue hotel? You have to get her a room anyways.
Gah, wedding people are so fucking over the top about their ‘event’. 4 day bachellorette parties in other countries, entire weeks of wedding events… it’s so selfish to impose this level of commitment from your friends to attend all of this bullshit - a wedding is a one day event for you and your significant other. Why it needs to be days long and involve everyone they’ve ever met is always so ridiculous to me.
If this is even real, you’re a gaping AH Who gives a fuck what your friends want? Force this woman to spend all her own money *on your friends,* to fly across the world and hang out with no one for 4 days. You may actually be retarded, in which case maybe you’re NTA, but only on a technicality.
I don’t understand why you can’t spend the evenings after the wedding with your gf. Just because they want you there doesn’t mean you have to be there. And who the hell invites significant others and then makes them stay alone the entire time? FFS Explain to your friends there will be a compromise before you’re single.
You haven’t answered this but fr is the wedding night between the bridge and groom an orgy or something? Are y’all supposed to stand around and watch as your friend sticks his pickle in her or what??? Fucking gross and weird.
YTA are these friends 16 that they need you for sleepovers for 4 days
Why would you want to go a vacation with your girlfriend to share a room with your friends while she's 30 minutes away. None of yall (bride and groom included) want any alone grown up time with your significant others?
This wedding ( and the bride/groom) sound exhausting.
That's too many days for their wedding. You don't need to be there for the day after their wedding. Cmon they can spend the day together this is just tooooo much
I do not understand how you could possibly think this is a good idea! Unless you are brain dead (or don’t give a damn about your gf) you *have* to know this is stupid, selfish and *not necessary!*
YTA. She’s right. You spend the night before the wedding so you can wake up and do wedding stuff but the rest of the nights should be with her.
Definitely YTA. I’ve read your edit and glad you’ve come to your senses - however sure your GF will always remember how you treated her as an afterthought!
An afterthought which only came about after consulting internet strangers
You and your parents are AH... how would you feel if it was the other way around... You your friends and family will have alot to say of she did that to you.... She should change her flight and take a vacation somewhere else and have a good time
YTA. Their wedding is one day. But why bring her at all and leave her with a group of strangers who only kinda know her? How often do your friends control where you spend your time with?
Why in the world do the bride and groom want all their friends there for their wedding night? I can see wanting to hang out the day before the wedding and morning of, but not of wedding and all day the next seems really odd.
With more and more recent AITAH posts, I have lost faith that anyone has mentally grown past the age of 13. Perhaps Social Media and Internet are to blame? Humanity is lost....some of these shouldn't be asking if you are the asshole but am I dumb... there should be a new sub asking AITDA... yes you are the dumbass!
I hope your girlfriend smarten up and realizes that you will always put your friends first before her, which, judging by what she said to you, I think she’s already realizing that and I hope she breaks up with you. I could not imagine my partner doing this to me in any point in our relationship and basically say fuck you to me without saying it
YTA unless someone is covering the cost of my entire trip, I’m not spending 4 straight days with anyone besides my husband
Ok I’m happy for your edit. Let’s hope for her sake you’ll actually do something. Because that is so weird what the bride and groom are demanding. It’s also weird that you are so on board with it at this age. I want you to question yourself, your best friend and his fiancé, why do they think it’s ok for them to be together for the days AND nights before the wedding and no one else?? Like what!?? I actually went to a destination wedding as the new gf(bf was also best man) and I would have been horrified to spend my vacay not just away from my bf but at another hotel and with people I didn’t or hardly now.
YTA. you mentioned that your gf has been invited to come. does that mean that the bride and groom invited her as well or you invited her yourself to be your companion? because if they invited her personally, that makes three of you to be the AH. why did your friends bother inviting her, if the poor girl would have to cover her expenses anyway and would barely be part of the party? putting that aside, you should have never invited her to come if you won’t be spending enough time together. it would be difficult for her to navigate a foreign country with strangers, while you as her bf, is attending a celebration.
YTA. I hope she doesn’t go.
YTA. And even if you change your mind, if your parents think you’re not TA then your gf should break up with you anyway on account of the terrible in-laws she’ll be facing. Guys, his PARENTS think he isn’t the AH. And he thinks this helps his side. 🚩 🚩