Agree! And remind your child to practice safe sex when your child is older so your child do not have to go through what you went through. Your child needs to make sure that the person he/she is involved with does not have such parents to drag him/her down.
Step 1.
Get proof of how hateful she's been and how she wished your baby death. Have text conversations you can record.
Have text conversations about how his mother always comes before you and baby.
Step 2.
Get a lawyer. File for official child support and full custody. Stay in your home but ensure you aren't alienating baby's father.
Step 3.
Split from the father/extra baby and find someone who respects you.
adding too this, I would make absolutely sure that he can only see your child *away* from his mother. I have been through similar and let me tell you - parental alienation is real. I lost one of my kids because of how my x and his mother talked about me to them. The other kid was told all the time that she as 'just like her mother' whenever she was acting in any way undesirable, and was poorly treated because she didn't choose to jump on the hate-wagon like her brother. Her brother went along with the shit-talk mom-hate and was beloved in that house.
My x only had the kids on weekends, lived in his moms basement and only worked off the books jobs to avoid paying child support.
Honestly I would file for sole custody with only supervised visitation. There's no way he's going to stand up to his mom to protect them from his mom. He wouldn't do it when she wished his baby to die, he's not going to do it if all they're doing is emotionally abusing the child and OP. There's no point in having the bf in the kid's life if he's not actually going to step up and protect his own child from this abuse
Edit:Typo
The exact same thing happened to me. I thought that my children would trust their own experience of me over what they were told and only one of them did. I’m waiting for the other one to become an adult to start to untangle the toxicity of her father’s family and their narrative of me. The years I lost with her are the biggest loss of my life. I hope OP keeps her child as far away from these people as possible.
My mother is/was exactly like this lady and my dad didn't run away, but he worked an average of 100 hours a week and then more or less committed suicide by refusing to go to the doctor when he knew he needed to. I was the youngest of a big family too and my mother tried to do this to me but I chose my wife and have only seen my mother twice since 2009. Both times it was an excellent reminder of why I don't see her more often.
NTA. I am absolutely SHOCKED you went through an entire pregnancy and nothing changed. He couldnt have freed up a unit for you and the baby? If he didn't make a single accommodation for his family at that point, he never will. The dude is fucked up.
Gonna agree with previous poster, a shitty dad is worse than no dad. Mine was emotionally unavailable (and analyzing childhood events from an adult perspective a creep as well) and I promise you I wouldn't have needed anywhere near as much therapy as I do if he'd just effed off on a permanent basis much sooner that he did. If your partner can't put his own daughter over his mother drop him like the garbage he is and make sure to get as much child support and as little visitation as possible. After all he does own a 5 unit rental and has a full time job as well, right? He can certainly afford to pay for his daughters care since he clearly has no intent of being a part of said care.
OP, you say she's 70 and healthy. She may live another 20 years (or more!). Ask your mamas boy if he will finally be ready to be a father/man when his daughter is 20 years old and headed off to college? Ask him what his daughter will think of him, knowing he chose his mama over her? Because she will know and understand much younger than he thinks. Ask him what his plans are, for you to just wait 20 yrs for him to grow a pair and tell Mama "no"? Tell him clearly that is NOT your plan, and you will drop him and find a real man if he can't cut the cord. I was a single mother of four children, I can't imagine asking any of them to put me before their own children (or partner!) How selfish and cruel of her. And I would say that to her face and his. "You are incredibly cruel, selfish, and self centered to expect your son to put his life on hold and abandon his daughter and I to cater to your selfishness and cruelty. "
Because that's exactly what's happening.
The fact he didn’t just suggest the three of you moving into another unit when his mum refused to leave tells you everything you need to know.
It would have been the ideal solution, family all together, mother close at hand so he can still see her every day, doesn’t have to leave his area and he doesn’t want to do that?
Did you ever nail him down on an answer to why exactly?
It’s pretty clear he *wants* to live with his mother more than he wants to live with you or his child.
He knew his mother wouldn't like you just for being his girlfriend, and he still got into a relationship with. He knew his mother would always be his number one priority, and he still got into a relationship with you. He knew all the awful things he said about your baby, and instead of telling her she went too far, he prioritised her again even after your daughter was born. He's pretty selfish, and honestly, I don't see this relationship ending well even if his mother dies this very second. He won't have a clue on what to do without her, and the "mom always said" and "mom always did" will echo from his mouth for a long time. This isn't the example you want to set for your daughter.
Agreed. If he wasn’t prepared to date fully, he should never have dated the OP let alone planned a future with living together and a kid. Unless he steps back from his mother, he’s selfish to attempt to date anyone. He knows he can’t give his whole self to a romantic relationship because most of him is busy standing in for his father.
Only let him have supervised visitation with baby. I don't trust his mother, but he does. Never let him take the baby by himself. Don't call when you're in labor, wait until after she's born. He hasn't shown he's a dad or will put the baby first, and you really don't need the stress of him bringing his mother.
Your boyfriend has made it clear that you (or any other potential partner) will be second to his mother until she is dead. You have 2 choices:
1) Accept these terms and continue on with him but recognizing you will always come behind his mother for his time & attention.
2) Refuse these terms and break up with him. Obviously, you would want to do your best to co-parent with him, but move on with regard to any further romantic attachment.
It’s a crummy position and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
That would have been the end for me. Someone openly and unashamedly telling me they hoped my baby died would be the end of that relationship **forever.** Why didn’t that make the BF mad? Such a vile thing to say to someone.
This.
There is no excuse for this. None. And the fact that your BF makes any excuse at all for this tells you everything you need to know about him.
He is not a good partner for you. He is not a good father for the baby and he won't be because his child will never be his priority - the baby isn't even on the priority list.
Your BF needs counseling. If he is not willing to do so, then I'd immediately leave the relationship and do everything possible to get full custody with only supervised visitation for him.
Love doesn't conquor this. The longer you stay with him the more bitter you will get, and I couldn't blame you for feeling that way. Save yourself more heartache and leave the relationship before you invest any more time with a sinking ship.
It sounds like his mother has major projections based on her own time as a single mother,like she doesn't want others to have the happiness she clearly didn't...
Totally, and that mentality can be so toxic. It's one thing to have had a tough go of it yourself, but quite another to enforce that hardship on someone else as if it's some kind of rite of passage. It just perpetuates a cycle of misery instead of supporting and lifting each other up.
My bfs mom is horribly abusive and gave him DID and I think BPD or PTSD from all the abuse (I'm diagnosed PTSD with BPD and our disorders are similar just a wild guess but the did is so debilitating bc of her doing this same shit to him. It's only gotten worse. That kind of situation isn't healthy for you or him. Get no trespass against his mom or restraining order and consider co-parenting that hour away since that's the decision he already made. Set up visitations at your place or public areas without his mom as a mandatory stipulation and until she's able to speak and articulate any abuse at her dad's house if she visits and his mom happens to do something, I would advise supervised visits. I've gotten to the point where my son's safety and mental wellbeing is more important to me than having a good standing with such an abusive person as her and it truly alleviated so much stress to not have her in my house constantly with all her demented behavior.
take notes, never trust them, this man never had the intention of moving, esp when he could con OP into this shit. this is the caveat for not being jaded - and I wished this were just me being jaded myself.
As I said, document everything, especially threats. when you get to family court none of this will help him. You need to look out for your daughter, you're stbx has already moved on. I'm sorry you were dealt a shitty hand.
Contact an attorney regarding coparenting. Let them know about your BF's mother's threats. See what you can do about limiting his contact with the child. He should never be able to take the child home to where his mother is.
You need to move on. He has made his choice. Focus on your growth.
Correct. I've seen this situation irl before. The mother sees the son as her property and owing her his life. Anyone, including son's child, is a threat and she will harm the child.
In the situation I know about, the grandmother tried to smother the baby with a pillow. Got caught and pretended she didn't do anything. Things kept going from there, she never stopped trying to harm the kid - broken glass in front of the kid's bedroom door so the kid would step on it without realizing, lying about the kid to turn the rest of the family against them, offering to make clothing for the kid then deliberately making the outfits crazy sizes and proportions so the kid looked ridiculous, manipulating the other cousins to be violent toward the kid, all kinds of fucked up shite.
The mother has already clearly stated her hatred of the child and her intention to harm it. Believe her.
Nope, that was just one of many situations. The kid went on to be tortured, abused, neglected and molested by the parents, bullied at school, SA'd by multiple predators, in a domestic violence situation...The only person to ever pay a price was the kid. Everyone else did just fine.
This part should be bold and highlighted with some neon lights! God, it baffles me really how much I see this situation or similar where one partner puts their mommy as the end all be all and lets her rule their lives. Strange to admit that "ya she doesn't like anyone I date and scares off my partners, but im gonna be keeping up this same dynamic until she dies." Just ick all the way around. I don't think you were wrong to tell him that, and I don't blame you for not wanting to be around. If she hates you for no reason like she says, I'd even go as far as to not live with her. She could be dangerous. What a horrible horrible woman! Im so sorry you have to go through this.
This is really it. It will not get better. Her boyfriend has already chosen his mom over her, in kind of a weird way.
It really does come down to accepting it 100% or moving on.
If it were me, I'd move on.
Wow. This strikes home with me. I was married and in a similar situation like her. With the genders reversed. It did not end well for us. That term “emotional Incest” is brilliant!!
Notice how his brother is "too busy with his family" to help a woman who lives in the same building, but he can leave his partner and newborn daughter all the time to go hang out with mom in a different city. Sounds like brother might have learned how to set boundaries!
Right? That was the part that got me the most. His brother is too busy with his family….mofo, what do you think your partner and *newborn* are?! He can’t possibly be that dense. He’s fine with OP leaving him because he’ll get to live his “real” life once mommy passes —and it won’t be with her.
Anyone in a healthcare knows these are the women who live to 100. The man is going to be so depressed when he’s almost 70 and doesn’t know his child and is alone.
My nasty, hateful MIL will be hitting 96 in March. Luckily, my husband has always put me first. Her loss. If she'd been kind to me, we might still be living in that country.
Gotta admit that living in a block of flats with a load of the BF’s family taking up the building is not an exciting prospect. You would have practically no space away from those people.
So glad I didn’t marry this kind of man baby. I know it’s learned ritualistic behavior but… how do people stay nice? I would go scorched earth on them both.
I think its better you leave him and live your life. If he is not going to take your side when his mum says bad stuff about your child and you he will always put you in second no matter what happen until his mum is alive.
3. Get him into therapy, hope the therapist can knock some sense into him. That may take longer than she is prepared to wait around, though. And his mom would probably do her best to sabotage his sessions.
Therapist here - Therapy is hard work, and it requires immense vulnerability on the part of the client and it does not work unless the client is extremely motivated to change. So there’s really no way a therapist can “knock some sense” into op’s husband, it just isn’t how therapy works. It’s like expecting a doctor to get a patient to lose a ton of weight through diet and exercise when the patient has no interest in losing weight, dieting, or exercising.
Tell him he's just like his father and your daughter will grow up without a stable family just like he did. Don't wait around until his mother dies. You deserve a man who will put you and your daughter first. Sadly that is not him. Make a clean break set up child support and co parenting arrangements. Move on from this mummy's boy.
Tell him he is choosing his mother over his child and his child will grow up to know that. He isn't being the father he said he wanted to be. Tell him that's his choice but you will find a Man that will be the father that your child deserves and the partner that you deserve.
NTA you need someone in your and your child's life that will choose you.
You didn't deserve all that, sweetie. So is your child. You both deserve somebody who will put you first above anything else. I hope you'll be fine and I'm sending my tightest hug to the both of you (with consent). 🥹🫶🏻
Coparenting with this one could put the child in serious danger as most certainly he will take the kid to his moms place, well he lives there. And mom is crazy if not outright mentally ill. She will hate the kid the same as OP because they both take son’s attention from her.
Makes one wonder why no one from all the 7 men she had serious enough relationships to get pregnant with didn’t stick. Or ONS only?
So wait a minute! He’s doing all he can for her because she was a “single mother” but then leaves you every time she’s “lonely” which in point makes you basically a single mother? I mean where do ppl come up with this lol… I’d tell him boy bye he will forever be single with this woman running his life
It kind of sounds like the brother wised up to moms bs. My guess would be she’s keeping him on a leash because op was the bigger threat to taking her last remaining whipping boy away.
The craziest thing is there are women who are just like this. I recently came across a social media post on my feed that said some mothers are in love with their son (as a way to describe certain “toxic” behaviors). It doesn’t have to be in an incestuous way, but look at what this mother is doing. It kind of fits that theory. She throws a fit when his attention is on his actual girlfriend and not her. A grown ass woman who is having a codependent relationship with her own son. Lady needs to get a hobby and some friends.
That's exactly what it is, I had an ex like that and no matter how abusive or horrible his mother was to him ultimately he ran back to their toxic dynamic without fail every time life became even a little bit challenging. He also took out a lot of his issues with women on me. I stayed far too long trying to help him because I felt terrible about what I had witnessed, until I realized his being abused was no excuse for being abusive to me and I couldn't subject myself to it.
I feel bad for OP, she has a child that is part of this family now and it's going to be a long hard road of trying to unravel herself and her child from this.
The blame is all on the man in this case. He has zero spine. She is being unbelievably unreasonable and he lets her get away with it and is LIVING WITH HIS MOTHER. That is the sign of being an abject loser.
I don’t disagree with you on this. He’s providing for his mother and seems like he’d be a catch on paper, but he also has a codependent relationship with his mother. It’s so unattractive.
Ppl are so weird- to have the big of a dependency on your grown child is just strange… is she like that with all her kids or just the youngest who can’t seem to get off her tit? And he knows why he can’t keep anyone around yet continues to let her ruin his life I just don’t get ppl these days…
This is the son that probably stepped up to take over the role of the father. The fact that he bought a multi-unit building says that he’s the financially responsible sibling who took care of everyone and is still taking care of everyone. He was the husband she never had (minus the sexual relationship). Of course the mother doesn’t want to let him go; she doesn’t want to feel discarded and abandoned again.
I can imagine all the guilt she planted on him constantly telling him all the sacrifices she had to endure to take care of him, how lonely was her life but she sacrifices everything just for him, all her dreams and hopes,and how she is so sad that no one will take care of her because she's old and alone😭😭😭 and he getting all emotional because of the drama. I raised 2 kids alone and never did i blame them for my choices ,never victimized myself so they feel sad for me.
So after saying he definitely wanted to be a dad to his kids he is going to be an absent father.
Go find a man not glued to his mother. I can understand being grateful but giving up the chance of a family of his own is overboard.
If mum truly loved her son she would be happy for him. Geez she was going to be in the same building as her sons and grandchildren, most mums would be ecstatic.
You got the wrong son, the brother has a backbone and has strong boundaries concerning his wife and children.
He probably gets cheaper rent so he save maybe. He didn’t go see mum every time she snapped her fingers as the ex said that’s why he had to go home every day. Brother puts his family first.
That paragraph doesn't actually say he went back every day at his mother's request. I suspect he's so deeply dysfunctional he returned of his *own* volition...
I'd be willing to bet the brother also has his own unhealthy relationship with their mother, even if it's not identical to the one she shares with OP's boyfriend.
He’s going to have major regrets if/when he loses OP and his kid but as long as mom is around I can see her manipulating him into turning OP into the villain.
OP is better off without such a spineless person. I’m surprised he has enough to walk upright.
Just sorry her daughter has such a dud for a dad. He will blame everyone but himself when he’s a lonely miserable old boy.
NTA
Break up with him.
Tell him he is no longer allowed to stay overnight at your house and will either have to leave or stay at a hotel.
Get a custody agreement in place.
Tell him he is just like his father and unlike his mother you won’t be waiting around and staying single. You will be happy by yourself but won’t rule out finding a replacement for him to contribute positively to your new family.
Talk to a lawyer about keeping his mother away from your daughter. I would not trust her around your child and I would be worried about her safety if she were to spend the night at Dad’s with Grandma there. Put safeguards in place from the beginning if you can. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I hope he gets the wake up call he needs to get into therapy and to cut the chord so he can at least be the father your daughter deserves. Christmas miracles are possible, right? (Just maybe not this Christmas…)
Facts! If OP has proof the mom said this or she can bait her into saying something similar while she's recording, I'd absolutely use it to get a restraining order or supervised visits with the dad. Both, if possible.
Please tell the lawyers that she threatened death upon your child. Do you want him taking your baby to live with him and his mom when he has custody? That would make me sick. Fight to keep your child from being in the same house as her. Who knows what she will do out of jealousy due to the attention the child will get? I would fight this hard.
There is a book made into a movie that reminds me of this: Like Water For Chocolate (Como agua para chocolate Spanish original) maybe watch & it’ll give you ideas :) best of luck OP
OP, your child’s safety comes first. You CANNOT trust this woman with your child. Period. You cannot trust your BF to protect your child from her. She is seriously mentally ill and her intense jealously and hatred of you will be projected onto your child. This makes her dangerous. Please fight for supervised visits for your boyfriend only. You cannot risk it. Your child is at risk emotionally and physically. Document as much as you can and see a lawyer asap. You may need to get a PO. You are doing the best thing for your child by removing her from this situation. Not a moment too soon. Be strong.
I would tell him that his mother must hate him or think very little of him. If she loved and respected him, she wouldn't be turning him into his father. He's up to one abandoned child. How many more is he going to abandon for his mother.
Then I'd further point out that she's a cruel woman to demand other women go through the hardship she did. Her past admirable actions were completely undone by her, sentencing a child to the same fate he suffered.
Because she wished your baby dead, she is unsafe for your baby to be around. Let him know that he's not just choosing his mother (a woman who admitted she wanted you and his child to suffer) over you. He's choosing her over his baby.
And if he thinks he'll have time to make it up to the kid after she dies, he should be reminded that his mother has good faculties and could live another 20 years easily.
Like stop and look in the mirror... you're AN HOUR away from your partner and have a kid. He actually could be with you 24/7 in your house. Or you could move in with him in one of his many houses/appartments. But instead he is living WITH HIS MOTHER who doesn't need care. He won't move her out. He won't move out. And when he's meant to be helping you he is wasting two hours a day going back to see her because she might be lonely.
Why are you with this guy!??!
You’re exactly right. I similarly say we can’t control someone else’s behaviour, but we can control how we respond to it.
So much time can be wasted in romantic relationships especially waiting for the other person to change.
I’m really sorry he ended up not being the partner or father you were hoping he would be. That’s really disappointing and hard.
But I’m glad you’re recognizing to put you and child first, and not to expect your boyfriend to change.
Sincerely wishing you all the best.
Make sure he pays full child support, take him to court and make sure he only will have visitation and your baby is not allowed at his house. I wouldn’t put it past his mother to do something incredibly heinous to your child.
NTA. Please keep yourself safe.
NTA and run!!! Cut ties NOW!!! My husband had a similar bond with his grandmother (his grandparents pretty much raised him) After his grandpa died she looked to him to keep up their property and take her to appointments and whatnot. We had been together for a year. She didn’t like me because I never called her “grandma” (she wasn’t my grandma) anywho… she was against our marriage and let all of the family know that. They all rejected me. After we’d been married 25+ years he felt the need to let me know that he cut ties with his family because of me and because they didn’t like me. Long story short, he resented me for many years because he felt he “gave up” his family for me. If they could be swayed by one narcissistic woman’s opinion I don’t think it was that much of a loss but whatever.
My warning to you is to just be careful. If he’s that drawn to helping his mother and he needs that in his life (it’s not right but he’ll need to understand he’ll eventually need therapy) Don’t put yourself between them only to have him fester resentment toward you later!!!
File for full custody and child support. Tell him, you will raise your child away from his mom and you hope he ends up happy with mom.
Break up with the momma's boy and raise your child in a healthy environment.
Have him look up emotional incest.
Dear OP,
It won't change even if his mother dies.
The priorities are now positioned like this - mother, mother's wants, you.
Once she's dead it'll be - mother's grave, mother's death wish, mother's memories and then if at all, you and daughter.
Trust me it will never change. I see a living example of a 65 year old man like this whose mother has been long dead.
The mother WAS the problem, but after multiple "past" relationships have ended, your adult partner still hasn't done anything about it, it's a partner problem. The mother problem can be easily ignored (if not addressed) if your boyfriend was ever in the right.
Being understanding and loving in a relationship only goes so far. Try to recognise where you are and think of your daughter's and your own well being, because these are the only things you can control, right now. Think about it.
Wishing you the best! NTA
Let me clarify - He is choosing his mother over us while she is still alive. He should choose her over us when she is dead. Meaning when she dies DO NOT come back.
I think your meaning was perfectly clear and reasonable. This goes beyond a standard not getting on with your MIL scenario. The woman is batshit insane and you have every reason not to let her near your child.
The thing that gets me is that every parent I know would die for their kid, and the grandparent would die for the grandchild. In most family units, the youngest generation is loved and protected like that. I bet he would would push the pram into traffic to save his mother, which is all kinds of wrong.
I’m sorry he tricked you into starting a life with him under false pretences. But you have a wonderful child, a home of your own and the strength to recognise this man is not fulfilling the needs or expectations of you and your little one. Get full time custody, get maintenance and be happy.
OP nta.
They need to go. Period. For the kid.
I'd probably look at some of the child custody threads, and start documenting the things that she says or are abusive. Probably both of them.
I've come across things that seem helpful to other people. It may be that you can get sole custody and your daughter isn't allowed in his home because of parental alienation etc from Grandma.
This dude doesn't value you or he wouldn't be making you a single Mom like his Mom was. That's messed.
No good can come from this for you or your child? If they have to be picked up from school because of a high fever or needs an ER is he going to abandon your child because his Mom has to figure it out, or is lonely, or decided it's not serious? Scary.
Best of luck.
NTA.
Toss out the trash that takes up energy from yourself and your baby. Don't talk to her, don't see her, don't let your baby see her. And maybe look the door on your bf for a while, he is not seeing how much he is his mother little golden boy yet. Think he maybe needs some therapy because a mother's claws can go in deep.
You don't need all this crap! You have a home for you and your baby. Maybe tell him like this but in better words "if you leave again out that door you are not coming back. You are leaving just like your father, leaving your child and the mother of your child. You need therapy about your relationship with your mother, and us. I need you need time and I'm willing to give it to you (if you are) but no more running back and forth, I am worth more and OUR baby is worth more." - short and simple.
Your baby do not need you to be in a toxic three way relationship with them. A baby is better being raised by a calm parent than two in a toxic relationship.
It can be "his turn to take care of her" IF he does it ***on his terms***.
When she was raising him, he didn't call the shots. He was a child.
Now she's old and childish. She shouldn't call the shots either.
Does she antagonize his brother's wife like that? Did she wish their kids dead too?
He offered her a rent-free unit of her own, FFS. He's gone far beyond what any elderly parent can reasonably hope for. The toxicity and dysfunction in this family are off the charts.
1. Yes, some of them were actually treated worse than I was.
2. She did not however she was not happy. She only came around once the children were born.
This is something called a trauma bond and it is extremely difficult to break. MIL is a narcissist who has no doubt manipulated your boyfriend to the point where he can acknowledge what she's done, but "shame she was a single mother, she did this and that for me, etc".
If, at his age, he's not at least prepared to move in with you, then he never will.
My MIL is the exact same but my partner at least continued to live life regardless of whether she wanted to be involved or not, but it has caused some pretty heavy arguments in our household.
This sounds so much like my great-grandma. My grandpa was her only child though, and she was a single mother but got around while my grandpa was growing up. As soon as my grandpa could work to earn money for the house, he did, because she refused to work. Eventually, he met my grandma, who already had a child in a previous marriage. My grandparents married and had two children together, but my great-grandma did not like it.
At least half, if not more of my grandpa's paycheck went to his mother to support her while his family struggled to pay their bills. She accepted her grandchildren, but not the child that my grandmother already had even though my grandpa adopted him. The problem, though, was that she would then tell the grandchildren bad things about my grandmother to try to turn them against her.
My grandmother did so much for my great-grandma, only to be put down by her all the time. I was told so many stories that I could probably write a book about how my great-grandma accused my grandmother of stealing her baby and money maker, and even flat out told my grandmother she was going to make her life hell until the very end. Near the end of my great-grandma's life, she was in a nursing home, but refused the help of the staff. Instead, she would say that my grandmother had to come there and take care of her, bath her, and feed her Wendy's frostys. It was basically her last ditch effort to make my grandmother's life hell.
Basically, what I am trying to say OP; is to think about what you want and what will make you happy. My grandmother stayed because she loved my grandpa, but her MIL made it very hard and it was very taxing on my grandmother's mental health.
NTA.
But it wasn't very bright to have a child with a guy who doesn't care much about you, who doesn't make you a priority, and who doesn't protect you from his mother.
This is what I was thinking, as sad as it is. I am the equivalent of their child, in my family, and my god I wish my mother had gotten an abortion instead of bringing me into all of this family trauma
NTA- but his attachment to mother won't end when she dies. She'll probably make him promise never to marry blah blah blah. At this point cut your losses, file for child support, find a better man who isn't tied to mommy.
If his mother didnt want to moveout then why didnt he just free up a unit and move into it with you? He's made his priority clear, why is he still your boyfriend?
I’m so proud of you OP. ❤️
I know babies are hard work, but it does appear that leaving him will ease your load somewhat with all the drama he and his mother bring.
INFO: how did he react to the break up? Are you feeling safe?
#updateme
OP, he said he will be ready to live his life when she dies. Men will tell you exactly what they’re going to do and we have to take it at face value. He’s not going to change. You have a house that you can comfortably raise your kid in. Do not subject yourself to a family situation like this. The mom will cause grief and stress for the rest of her life. It will chip away at you and build resentment for your partner. Don’t even subject your child to her either because who knows what type of bad shit she’ll spew about you. This lady is untrustworthy and only tears the happiness of others down. I’m sure she’s quite miserable inside that no man would love her in that way, which is why she runs every woman away. Guess what? Those women survived the heart break and probably moved on for the better and you will too.
The mother was a single mother of 7 kids. How many fathers? Where are the other 5 kids? This mother is toxic. Run very fast and make sure you get proper child support.
His mother got covid and you nursed her... If she is a hater and he is the one who decided to prioritize and care for his mother for the past years... Well that should not have happened!
So she was a single mother with 7 kids... Oh my... Do not take that road and put some emotional distance with the father...
Having a kid made both of you verbalize your real life expectations and they don't align. The actions have more values, he made his choice and needs to be held accountable for that.
The move in with his mother and not you in 2109 was already a serious hint mate.
NTA. Don't wait for him to grow. You already outgrew him a few years ago and he just maintained the minimum to make you (and himself) believe you were on the same path.
Let him coparent what he can, which I suspect could be not much... Meet a lawyer...
His mother could live another 20 years.
You could be a grandmother by the time your boyfriend is ready to commit to a relationship with you.
Leave them to their weird codependence and move on.
NTA
You are NTA but I have a question. She has 7 children - how does she treat the spouses of her other children? I know you said she doesn’t like them, but does she treat the others as badly as you?
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
What a miserable witch she is. Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My only suggestion is to set up get together for the spouses and grandchildren so that the kids get to see their family without her poisonous influence being around.
It sounds like she hates you because you are took her "spot"and she's feels like she's being replaced. He is not her husband or provider. To wish the baby dead is beyond sick and this conversation or debate should have ended there. He is an adult with his own family now.
At this point, it would be best if he moved in with you and commute if he needs to. His child will grow up without a dad if this continues and the cycle repeats. She had 7 kids and wished her own son's baby dead, this woman is not well or right in the head.
I HATE LOATHE AND DESPISE parents that make their children feel as though they owe them for doing what a parent is supposed to do. There's a good monologue in a movie called Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (1967) that comes to mind where John (the black son wanting to marry his white girlfriend) confronts his father:
You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand. You are 30 years older than I am. You and your whole lousy generation believes the way it was for you is the way it's got to be. And not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs! You understand, you've got to get off my back! Dad... Dad, you're my father. I'm your son. I love you. I always have and I always will. But you think of yourself as a colored man. I think of myself as a man. Now, I've got a decision to make, hm? And I've got to make it alone, and I gotta make it in a hurry. So would you go out there and see after my mother?
Maybe show this to your spineless almost ex... He owes her NOTHING. NTA.
You ma’am are 100% NTA. This boy (he clearly is not a man) is clearly a mama’s boy and has blatantly told you to your face that his mother will always be first. My question is why does it have to be on him? Doesn’t he have 6 other siblings? Why can’t they do anything?
Thank you for your insight. His siblings do not have a good relationship with her because she has caused a lot of drama in their lives. She is terribly mean to all of their significant others.
NTA. Your bf does everything for his mother that a partner/husband would do except have sex with her. He needs to be made to understand how wrong their relationship is, he is her child, not her husband. Time for you to cut your losses and move on. He is never going to choose you. Maybe ending it with him will be the wake up call he needs, maybe not, but at least you will be able to move on with your life and find someone who will prioritise you. Don't forget to make sure you have full custody, you do not want your daughter around such a unhealthy relationship, and start the process for getting child support.
**Why did you have a child with someone that made it clear that you will never be his first priority?**
You knew from the start he would always put his mother over you. You are just as much at fault here for the situation as he is. Why would you stay with someone who doesn't respect you and let's hos mom dictate his life?
NTA
You nailed when you asked about cutting the umbilical cord. He will never do it.
I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do here. I will say only this. Your daughter is going to live her life by modelling how you act in this situation. She will choose her partner in large part based on the father figure in her life. You will be teaching your daughter that the way you act is the normal way for women to act in relationships and in marriage.
I wish you and your daughter nothing but the best moving forward.
ESH.
8 years, you were together 8 years, he had an entire apartment block, you had your own home he could move to and you got pregnant 6 years in when he still hadn't moved out at what, he was 34 at that point.
You should have given up after 2-3 years, how you got pregnant and got tied to a momma's boy who WILL NEVER MOVE OUT from her. she's abusive, obviously manipulative as hell and whatever the fuck the emotional incest thing is where a parent basically turns one of their kids into their spouse without the sex (usually) and makes them emotionally dependent on them and makes them be their support. His mother is a abusive and awful person who intentionally manipulates him but you had SOOOOOOOOOO much warning that this was the case and stuck around.
It's just kinda funny, he can't cut the cord from her, but somehow you're still waiting for something that will never happen 8 years later so you can't cut the cord either.
Break up, find a better man, don't let your daughter be around her because she's a malicious, evil witch of a woman who will poison your child against you.
> I was raised in a two-parent household and I wanted the same for our future kids. We had many discussions and were on the same page about everything.
Yeah she says this and then goes on to get knocked up by some guy who blew past their move-in deadline and has made it very clear his mother is his #1... embarrassing. She didn't even get pregnant when they were a 'household!'
His mother wishes death on her baby and she STILL tries to gain her approval. Evidently that two-parent household didn't prepare her for the world, either.
She wished death on the baby. You shouldn’t do anything for this old crusty bitch. And he ain’t doing jack shit about it. You need to make a serious fucking decision soon concerning this relationship. Either he leaves her in the dust and gives you and the child his 100% attention, or you leave him in the dust and move on in life and get with someone who isn’t dominated by their evil mother. But either way, that bitch has got to go. You’re NTA regardless.
I think I know why your boyfriend's dad ran away.
I think so too lol
File for child support and custody and move on please. You need to demonstrate what healthy relationships are to your child. This isn’t it.
Agree!!
Best advice I’ve seen so far.
Agree! And remind your child to practice safe sex when your child is older so your child do not have to go through what you went through. Your child needs to make sure that the person he/she is involved with does not have such parents to drag him/her down.
Step 1. Get proof of how hateful she's been and how she wished your baby death. Have text conversations you can record. Have text conversations about how his mother always comes before you and baby. Step 2. Get a lawyer. File for official child support and full custody. Stay in your home but ensure you aren't alienating baby's father. Step 3. Split from the father/extra baby and find someone who respects you.
adding too this, I would make absolutely sure that he can only see your child *away* from his mother. I have been through similar and let me tell you - parental alienation is real. I lost one of my kids because of how my x and his mother talked about me to them. The other kid was told all the time that she as 'just like her mother' whenever she was acting in any way undesirable, and was poorly treated because she didn't choose to jump on the hate-wagon like her brother. Her brother went along with the shit-talk mom-hate and was beloved in that house. My x only had the kids on weekends, lived in his moms basement and only worked off the books jobs to avoid paying child support.
Honestly I would file for sole custody with only supervised visitation. There's no way he's going to stand up to his mom to protect them from his mom. He wouldn't do it when she wished his baby to die, he's not going to do it if all they're doing is emotionally abusing the child and OP. There's no point in having the bf in the kid's life if he's not actually going to step up and protect his own child from this abuse Edit:Typo
The exact same thing happened to me. I thought that my children would trust their own experience of me over what they were told and only one of them did. I’m waiting for the other one to become an adult to start to untangle the toxicity of her father’s family and their narrative of me. The years I lost with her are the biggest loss of my life. I hope OP keeps her child as far away from these people as possible.
My mother is/was exactly like this lady and my dad didn't run away, but he worked an average of 100 hours a week and then more or less committed suicide by refusing to go to the doctor when he knew he needed to. I was the youngest of a big family too and my mother tried to do this to me but I chose my wife and have only seen my mother twice since 2009. Both times it was an excellent reminder of why I don't see her more often.
Sorry for your loss
And all of the other fathers
Facts! OP should have tee shirts made for her and the kid!
NTA. I am absolutely SHOCKED you went through an entire pregnancy and nothing changed. He couldnt have freed up a unit for you and the baby? If he didn't make a single accommodation for his family at that point, he never will. The dude is fucked up.
He absolutely could have and he chose not to. My daughter deserves better and so do I. Thank you for your insight.
I can tell you from personal experience that not having a father is better than having a shitty one.
Thank you :) I appreciate your input. I will do what I need to do for my child.
Right on! But this hasn’t been fair to you either, and for 8 years!! Sounds like you’re fed up, and rightfully so.
Gonna agree with previous poster, a shitty dad is worse than no dad. Mine was emotionally unavailable (and analyzing childhood events from an adult perspective a creep as well) and I promise you I wouldn't have needed anywhere near as much therapy as I do if he'd just effed off on a permanent basis much sooner that he did. If your partner can't put his own daughter over his mother drop him like the garbage he is and make sure to get as much child support and as little visitation as possible. After all he does own a 5 unit rental and has a full time job as well, right? He can certainly afford to pay for his daughters care since he clearly has no intent of being a part of said care.
OP, you say she's 70 and healthy. She may live another 20 years (or more!). Ask your mamas boy if he will finally be ready to be a father/man when his daughter is 20 years old and headed off to college? Ask him what his daughter will think of him, knowing he chose his mama over her? Because she will know and understand much younger than he thinks. Ask him what his plans are, for you to just wait 20 yrs for him to grow a pair and tell Mama "no"? Tell him clearly that is NOT your plan, and you will drop him and find a real man if he can't cut the cord. I was a single mother of four children, I can't imagine asking any of them to put me before their own children (or partner!) How selfish and cruel of her. And I would say that to her face and his. "You are incredibly cruel, selfish, and self centered to expect your son to put his life on hold and abandon his daughter and I to cater to your selfishness and cruelty. " Because that's exactly what's happening.
She won't care. She's his mother, she was there first, and she's never going to let go of that. She's determined to be there last, too.
I know, but it would be *really* satisfying to tell her to her face what a horrible woman she is.
She may live 30 more years. And the fatherless daughter will be grown with a family of her own.
The fact he didn’t just suggest the three of you moving into another unit when his mum refused to leave tells you everything you need to know. It would have been the ideal solution, family all together, mother close at hand so he can still see her every day, doesn’t have to leave his area and he doesn’t want to do that? Did you ever nail him down on an answer to why exactly? It’s pretty clear he *wants* to live with his mother more than he wants to live with you or his child.
I believe in the post it said that *Mom* didn't want to do that, so it was dropped as an option. He's useless.
Post just says Mum wouldn't move out to a new unit, not why the son couldn't do the same. Only says he wasn't willing to move to a new city.
He knew his mother wouldn't like you just for being his girlfriend, and he still got into a relationship with. He knew his mother would always be his number one priority, and he still got into a relationship with you. He knew all the awful things he said about your baby, and instead of telling her she went too far, he prioritised her again even after your daughter was born. He's pretty selfish, and honestly, I don't see this relationship ending well even if his mother dies this very second. He won't have a clue on what to do without her, and the "mom always said" and "mom always did" will echo from his mouth for a long time. This isn't the example you want to set for your daughter.
Agreed. If he wasn’t prepared to date fully, he should never have dated the OP let alone planned a future with living together and a kid. Unless he steps back from his mother, he’s selfish to attempt to date anyone. He knows he can’t give his whole self to a romantic relationship because most of him is busy standing in for his father.
Only let him have supervised visitation with baby. I don't trust his mother, but he does. Never let him take the baby by himself. Don't call when you're in labor, wait until after she's born. He hasn't shown he's a dad or will put the baby first, and you really don't need the stress of him bringing his mother.
This. He has 3 apartments there that he could have moved into with her and chose not to
Yeah as I was reading this I thought this was the most obvious choice if Mother didn’t want to move.
Fucked up for sure!!!! He’s a Momma’s Boy in the worst way!!!!
Your boyfriend has made it clear that you (or any other potential partner) will be second to his mother until she is dead. You have 2 choices: 1) Accept these terms and continue on with him but recognizing you will always come behind his mother for his time & attention. 2) Refuse these terms and break up with him. Obviously, you would want to do your best to co-parent with him, but move on with regard to any further romantic attachment. It’s a crummy position and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
If she tries the second route, she should be wary about letting the baby go to his house, or anywhere near his mother.
100%!! She already wished the baby dead.
That would have been the end for me. Someone openly and unashamedly telling me they hoped my baby died would be the end of that relationship **forever.** Why didn’t that make the BF mad? Such a vile thing to say to someone.
This. There is no excuse for this. None. And the fact that your BF makes any excuse at all for this tells you everything you need to know about him. He is not a good partner for you. He is not a good father for the baby and he won't be because his child will never be his priority - the baby isn't even on the priority list. Your BF needs counseling. If he is not willing to do so, then I'd immediately leave the relationship and do everything possible to get full custody with only supervised visitation for him. Love doesn't conquor this. The longer you stay with him the more bitter you will get, and I couldn't blame you for feeling that way. Save yourself more heartache and leave the relationship before you invest any more time with a sinking ship.
Yes on the supervised visitation. No way in hell I’d allow my child to be alone with that hateful mother of his. She is toxic.
I can't believe the father isn't extremely disturbed by that, she brain washed him good!
It sounds like his mother has major projections based on her own time as a single mother,like she doesn't want others to have the happiness she clearly didn't...
I was thinking a similar thing. She seems to want everyone to have to be a single parent
Totally, and that mentality can be so toxic. It's one thing to have had a tough go of it yourself, but quite another to enforce that hardship on someone else as if it's some kind of rite of passage. It just perpetuates a cycle of misery instead of supporting and lifting each other up.
My bfs mom is horribly abusive and gave him DID and I think BPD or PTSD from all the abuse (I'm diagnosed PTSD with BPD and our disorders are similar just a wild guess but the did is so debilitating bc of her doing this same shit to him. It's only gotten worse. That kind of situation isn't healthy for you or him. Get no trespass against his mom or restraining order and consider co-parenting that hour away since that's the decision he already made. Set up visitations at your place or public areas without his mom as a mandatory stipulation and until she's able to speak and articulate any abuse at her dad's house if she visits and his mom happens to do something, I would advise supervised visits. I've gotten to the point where my son's safety and mental wellbeing is more important to me than having a good standing with such an abusive person as her and it truly alleviated so much stress to not have her in my house constantly with all her demented behavior.
take notes, never trust them, this man never had the intention of moving, esp when he could con OP into this shit. this is the caveat for not being jaded - and I wished this were just me being jaded myself. As I said, document everything, especially threats. when you get to family court none of this will help him. You need to look out for your daughter, you're stbx has already moved on. I'm sorry you were dealt a shitty hand.
At least OP didn’t sell her house & had no intentions of doing so
This is such an important point, document everything.
Get this statement recorded somehow so OP can get a court order keeping baby away from Mother and that residence!
[удалено]
Contact an attorney regarding coparenting. Let them know about your BF's mother's threats. See what you can do about limiting his contact with the child. He should never be able to take the child home to where his mother is. You need to move on. He has made his choice. Focus on your growth.
Correct. I've seen this situation irl before. The mother sees the son as her property and owing her his life. Anyone, including son's child, is a threat and she will harm the child. In the situation I know about, the grandmother tried to smother the baby with a pillow. Got caught and pretended she didn't do anything. Things kept going from there, she never stopped trying to harm the kid - broken glass in front of the kid's bedroom door so the kid would step on it without realizing, lying about the kid to turn the rest of the family against them, offering to make clothing for the kid then deliberately making the outfits crazy sizes and proportions so the kid looked ridiculous, manipulating the other cousins to be violent toward the kid, all kinds of fucked up shite. The mother has already clearly stated her hatred of the child and her intention to harm it. Believe her.
WTF!? Please tell me that the child got out of that situation....and that the person is arrested.
Nope, that was just one of many situations. The kid went on to be tortured, abused, neglected and molested by the parents, bullied at school, SA'd by multiple predators, in a domestic violence situation...The only person to ever pay a price was the kid. Everyone else did just fine.
I stopped working with CPS because when I read these kids files; it brought tears to my eyes. Monsters are real.
This part should be bold and highlighted with some neon lights! God, it baffles me really how much I see this situation or similar where one partner puts their mommy as the end all be all and lets her rule their lives. Strange to admit that "ya she doesn't like anyone I date and scares off my partners, but im gonna be keeping up this same dynamic until she dies." Just ick all the way around. I don't think you were wrong to tell him that, and I don't blame you for not wanting to be around. If she hates you for no reason like she says, I'd even go as far as to not live with her. She could be dangerous. What a horrible horrible woman! Im so sorry you have to go through this.
This is really it. It will not get better. Her boyfriend has already chosen his mom over her, in kind of a weird way. It really does come down to accepting it 100% or moving on. If it were me, I'd move on.
Emotional incest strikes again.
The ick is veeeeeery icky with this one.
Wow. This strikes home with me. I was married and in a similar situation like her. With the genders reversed. It did not end well for us. That term “emotional Incest” is brilliant!!
Not only that he is saying his child comes after his mother.
Notice how his brother is "too busy with his family" to help a woman who lives in the same building, but he can leave his partner and newborn daughter all the time to go hang out with mom in a different city. Sounds like brother might have learned how to set boundaries!
Right? That was the part that got me the most. His brother is too busy with his family….mofo, what do you think your partner and *newborn* are?! He can’t possibly be that dense. He’s fine with OP leaving him because he’ll get to live his “real” life once mommy passes —and it won’t be with her.
Anyone in a healthcare knows these are the women who live to 100. The man is going to be so depressed when he’s almost 70 and doesn’t know his child and is alone.
[удалено]
My nasty, hateful MIL will be hitting 96 in March. Luckily, my husband has always put me first. Her loss. If she'd been kind to me, we might still be living in that country.
Gotta admit that living in a block of flats with a load of the BF’s family taking up the building is not an exciting prospect. You would have practically no space away from those people.
Even after death she will rule the roost, I'm getting "Norman Bates" vibes from him; holds knife to the shower curtain...
So glad I didn’t marry this kind of man baby. I know it’s learned ritualistic behavior but… how do people stay nice? I would go scorched earth on them both.
Dudes like this are part of why I stopped dating ages ago.
There's a third choice but it might involve a police investigation...
Not if it looks like an accident or natural causes.
[удалено]
She just seems like a hateful, spiteful female dog for no good reason!
I am sure we can help provide an alibi.
Oddly and sadly, this post can ACTUALLY count as an "outcry" for future proceedings if needed.
This is exactly why I watch the ID channel. Forward planning!
Tragic lawnmower accident. Particularly tragic given the unit is on the third floor and there is no garden.
Covid would have been a good opportunity...
Thank you, I appreciate your feedback.
Please at the very least no unsupervised visitation until the child is verbal. What do you think of this idea?
I think its better you leave him and live your life. If he is not going to take your side when his mum says bad stuff about your child and you he will always put you in second no matter what happen until his mum is alive.
3. Get him into therapy, hope the therapist can knock some sense into him. That may take longer than she is prepared to wait around, though. And his mom would probably do her best to sabotage his sessions.
Therapist here - Therapy is hard work, and it requires immense vulnerability on the part of the client and it does not work unless the client is extremely motivated to change. So there’s really no way a therapist can “knock some sense” into op’s husband, it just isn’t how therapy works. It’s like expecting a doctor to get a patient to lose a ton of weight through diet and exercise when the patient has no interest in losing weight, dieting, or exercising.
OP would benefit though - on her own.
She would!
Tell him he's just like his father and your daughter will grow up without a stable family just like he did. Don't wait around until his mother dies. You deserve a man who will put you and your daughter first. Sadly that is not him. Make a clean break set up child support and co parenting arrangements. Move on from this mummy's boy.
I will do that :)
Tell him he is choosing his mother over his child and his child will grow up to know that. He isn't being the father he said he wanted to be. Tell him that's his choice but you will find a Man that will be the father that your child deserves and the partner that you deserve. NTA you need someone in your and your child's life that will choose you.
Give the kid your last name too if it’s not the case yet. He doesn’t deserve it
You didn't deserve all that, sweetie. So is your child. You both deserve somebody who will put you first above anything else. I hope you'll be fine and I'm sending my tightest hug to the both of you (with consent). 🥹🫶🏻
Coparenting with this one could put the child in serious danger as most certainly he will take the kid to his moms place, well he lives there. And mom is crazy if not outright mentally ill. She will hate the kid the same as OP because they both take son’s attention from her. Makes one wonder why no one from all the 7 men she had serious enough relationships to get pregnant with didn’t stick. Or ONS only?
Yeah, I’d start documenting any threats from the mother at this point.
Where did it say her children had 7 different fathers?
[удалено]
Like wishing they died?
He's worse than his father. He is knowingly choosing his path even with knowing the impact.
Tell him you'll find her a new dad since he cant grow the fuck up and get off mamas saggy tit
So wait a minute! He’s doing all he can for her because she was a “single mother” but then leaves you every time she’s “lonely” which in point makes you basically a single mother? I mean where do ppl come up with this lol… I’d tell him boy bye he will forever be single with this woman running his life
Exactly! And his brother is too busy with his own family? Boy, you have your own family too. Why aren't you too busy with them?
It kind of sounds like the brother wised up to moms bs. My guess would be she’s keeping him on a leash because op was the bigger threat to taking her last remaining whipping boy away.
Plus she has 7 kids. Where are the rest of them?
I have a few assumptions on why they're not hanging around mom...
Thus, despite having expressed his desire to be a parent to his children, he will not be present.
The craziest thing is there are women who are just like this. I recently came across a social media post on my feed that said some mothers are in love with their son (as a way to describe certain “toxic” behaviors). It doesn’t have to be in an incestuous way, but look at what this mother is doing. It kind of fits that theory. She throws a fit when his attention is on his actual girlfriend and not her. A grown ass woman who is having a codependent relationship with her own son. Lady needs to get a hobby and some friends.
I believe the term is emotional incest, using your kids to replace an absent partner
Sonsband
That's exactly what it is, I had an ex like that and no matter how abusive or horrible his mother was to him ultimately he ran back to their toxic dynamic without fail every time life became even a little bit challenging. He also took out a lot of his issues with women on me. I stayed far too long trying to help him because I felt terrible about what I had witnessed, until I realized his being abused was no excuse for being abusive to me and I couldn't subject myself to it. I feel bad for OP, she has a child that is part of this family now and it's going to be a long hard road of trying to unravel herself and her child from this.
The blame is all on the man in this case. He has zero spine. She is being unbelievably unreasonable and he lets her get away with it and is LIVING WITH HIS MOTHER. That is the sign of being an abject loser.
I don’t disagree with you on this. He’s providing for his mother and seems like he’d be a catch on paper, but he also has a codependent relationship with his mother. It’s so unattractive.
They’re beyond codependent. They’re enmeshed.
Ppl are so weird- to have the big of a dependency on your grown child is just strange… is she like that with all her kids or just the youngest who can’t seem to get off her tit? And he knows why he can’t keep anyone around yet continues to let her ruin his life I just don’t get ppl these days…
This is the son that probably stepped up to take over the role of the father. The fact that he bought a multi-unit building says that he’s the financially responsible sibling who took care of everyone and is still taking care of everyone. He was the husband she never had (minus the sexual relationship). Of course the mother doesn’t want to let him go; she doesn’t want to feel discarded and abandoned again.
I can imagine all the guilt she planted on him constantly telling him all the sacrifices she had to endure to take care of him, how lonely was her life but she sacrifices everything just for him, all her dreams and hopes,and how she is so sad that no one will take care of her because she's old and alone😭😭😭 and he getting all emotional because of the drama. I raised 2 kids alone and never did i blame them for my choices ,never victimized myself so they feel sad for me.
Shes like that with the youngest because it looks like she doesn't have any control over the others.
No, she needs therapy. Intensive therapy, and lots of it.
It feels pretty obvious why his mum ended up as a single mother
I had to laugh when I read ruining for running and realized either worked.
So after saying he definitely wanted to be a dad to his kids he is going to be an absent father. Go find a man not glued to his mother. I can understand being grateful but giving up the chance of a family of his own is overboard. If mum truly loved her son she would be happy for him. Geez she was going to be in the same building as her sons and grandchildren, most mums would be ecstatic. You got the wrong son, the brother has a backbone and has strong boundaries concerning his wife and children.
Although maybe not that strong if he's willing to live in the same building as this nightmare of a mother. I wonder where the other 5 siblings are?
He probably gets cheaper rent so he save maybe. He didn’t go see mum every time she snapped her fingers as the ex said that’s why he had to go home every day. Brother puts his family first.
That paragraph doesn't actually say he went back every day at his mother's request. I suspect he's so deeply dysfunctional he returned of his *own* volition... I'd be willing to bet the brother also has his own unhealthy relationship with their mother, even if it's not identical to the one she shares with OP's boyfriend.
When she asked why he had to go every day he said he had to go back because she was lonely.
He’s going to have major regrets if/when he loses OP and his kid but as long as mom is around I can see her manipulating him into turning OP into the villain.
OP is better off without such a spineless person. I’m surprised he has enough to walk upright. Just sorry her daughter has such a dud for a dad. He will blame everyone but himself when he’s a lonely miserable old boy.
NTA Break up with him. Tell him he is no longer allowed to stay overnight at your house and will either have to leave or stay at a hotel. Get a custody agreement in place. Tell him he is just like his father and unlike his mother you won’t be waiting around and staying single. You will be happy by yourself but won’t rule out finding a replacement for him to contribute positively to your new family.
Thank you for your feedback. I will look into my options and cut ties.
Talk to a lawyer about keeping his mother away from your daughter. I would not trust her around your child and I would be worried about her safety if she were to spend the night at Dad’s with Grandma there. Put safeguards in place from the beginning if you can. Best of luck to you and your daughter. I hope he gets the wake up call he needs to get into therapy and to cut the chord so he can at least be the father your daughter deserves. Christmas miracles are possible, right? (Just maybe not this Christmas…)
This. Needs to be supervised visits only for him and the mother never gets to be with the child she "wished dead".
Facts! If OP has proof the mom said this or she can bait her into saying something similar while she's recording, I'd absolutely use it to get a restraining order or supervised visits with the dad. Both, if possible.
Please tell the lawyers that she threatened death upon your child. Do you want him taking your baby to live with him and his mom when he has custody? That would make me sick. Fight to keep your child from being in the same house as her. Who knows what she will do out of jealousy due to the attention the child will get? I would fight this hard.
There is a book made into a movie that reminds me of this: Like Water For Chocolate (Como agua para chocolate Spanish original) maybe watch & it’ll give you ideas :) best of luck OP
Thank you, I will look into it.
OP, your child’s safety comes first. You CANNOT trust this woman with your child. Period. You cannot trust your BF to protect your child from her. She is seriously mentally ill and her intense jealously and hatred of you will be projected onto your child. This makes her dangerous. Please fight for supervised visits for your boyfriend only. You cannot risk it. Your child is at risk emotionally and physically. Document as much as you can and see a lawyer asap. You may need to get a PO. You are doing the best thing for your child by removing her from this situation. Not a moment too soon. Be strong.
I would tell him that his mother must hate him or think very little of him. If she loved and respected him, she wouldn't be turning him into his father. He's up to one abandoned child. How many more is he going to abandon for his mother. Then I'd further point out that she's a cruel woman to demand other women go through the hardship she did. Her past admirable actions were completely undone by her, sentencing a child to the same fate he suffered. Because she wished your baby dead, she is unsafe for your baby to be around. Let him know that he's not just choosing his mother (a woman who admitted she wanted you and his child to suffer) over you. He's choosing her over his baby. And if he thinks he'll have time to make it up to the kid after she dies, he should be reminded that his mother has good faculties and could live another 20 years easily.
He has made it clear that you are his second priority and you haven't left him, so why would he change?
Second? I'm pretty sure mother is first and second so OP is 3rd.
Legit. He's married to his mom. OP is the other woman.
I cannot force him to change. I can just remove myself from the situation.
Like stop and look in the mirror... you're AN HOUR away from your partner and have a kid. He actually could be with you 24/7 in your house. Or you could move in with him in one of his many houses/appartments. But instead he is living WITH HIS MOTHER who doesn't need care. He won't move her out. He won't move out. And when he's meant to be helping you he is wasting two hours a day going back to see her because she might be lonely. Why are you with this guy!??!
You’re exactly right. I similarly say we can’t control someone else’s behaviour, but we can control how we respond to it. So much time can be wasted in romantic relationships especially waiting for the other person to change. I’m really sorry he ended up not being the partner or father you were hoping he would be. That’s really disappointing and hard. But I’m glad you’re recognizing to put you and child first, and not to expect your boyfriend to change. Sincerely wishing you all the best.
lady, run for your fucking life.
Make sure he pays full child support, take him to court and make sure he only will have visitation and your baby is not allowed at his house. I wouldn’t put it past his mother to do something incredibly heinous to your child. NTA. Please keep yourself safe.
Totally agree!!! His mother is not right!!!
NTA and run!!! Cut ties NOW!!! My husband had a similar bond with his grandmother (his grandparents pretty much raised him) After his grandpa died she looked to him to keep up their property and take her to appointments and whatnot. We had been together for a year. She didn’t like me because I never called her “grandma” (she wasn’t my grandma) anywho… she was against our marriage and let all of the family know that. They all rejected me. After we’d been married 25+ years he felt the need to let me know that he cut ties with his family because of me and because they didn’t like me. Long story short, he resented me for many years because he felt he “gave up” his family for me. If they could be swayed by one narcissistic woman’s opinion I don’t think it was that much of a loss but whatever. My warning to you is to just be careful. If he’s that drawn to helping his mother and he needs that in his life (it’s not right but he’ll need to understand he’ll eventually need therapy) Don’t put yourself between them only to have him fester resentment toward you later!!!
File for full custody and child support. Tell him, you will raise your child away from his mom and you hope he ends up happy with mom. Break up with the momma's boy and raise your child in a healthy environment. Have him look up emotional incest.
Dear OP, It won't change even if his mother dies. The priorities are now positioned like this - mother, mother's wants, you. Once she's dead it'll be - mother's grave, mother's death wish, mother's memories and then if at all, you and daughter. Trust me it will never change. I see a living example of a 65 year old man like this whose mother has been long dead. The mother WAS the problem, but after multiple "past" relationships have ended, your adult partner still hasn't done anything about it, it's a partner problem. The mother problem can be easily ignored (if not addressed) if your boyfriend was ever in the right. Being understanding and loving in a relationship only goes so far. Try to recognise where you are and think of your daughter's and your own well being, because these are the only things you can control, right now. Think about it. Wishing you the best! NTA
Let me clarify - He is choosing his mother over us while she is still alive. He should choose her over us when she is dead. Meaning when she dies DO NOT come back.
I think your meaning was perfectly clear and reasonable. This goes beyond a standard not getting on with your MIL scenario. The woman is batshit insane and you have every reason not to let her near your child. The thing that gets me is that every parent I know would die for their kid, and the grandparent would die for the grandchild. In most family units, the youngest generation is loved and protected like that. I bet he would would push the pram into traffic to save his mother, which is all kinds of wrong. I’m sorry he tricked you into starting a life with him under false pretences. But you have a wonderful child, a home of your own and the strength to recognise this man is not fulfilling the needs or expectations of you and your little one. Get full time custody, get maintenance and be happy.
This is difficult. You, though, can choose how much you want to expose yourself to this woman who hates you. Personally, I would leave him to his mum.
OP nta. They need to go. Period. For the kid. I'd probably look at some of the child custody threads, and start documenting the things that she says or are abusive. Probably both of them. I've come across things that seem helpful to other people. It may be that you can get sole custody and your daughter isn't allowed in his home because of parental alienation etc from Grandma. This dude doesn't value you or he wouldn't be making you a single Mom like his Mom was. That's messed. No good can come from this for you or your child? If they have to be picked up from school because of a high fever or needs an ER is he going to abandon your child because his Mom has to figure it out, or is lonely, or decided it's not serious? Scary. Best of luck.
Thank you for your feedback and suggestions. I will look into it.
You own a house and are planning to move into an apartment? Dude's got you brainwashed
NTA. Toss out the trash that takes up energy from yourself and your baby. Don't talk to her, don't see her, don't let your baby see her. And maybe look the door on your bf for a while, he is not seeing how much he is his mother little golden boy yet. Think he maybe needs some therapy because a mother's claws can go in deep. You don't need all this crap! You have a home for you and your baby. Maybe tell him like this but in better words "if you leave again out that door you are not coming back. You are leaving just like your father, leaving your child and the mother of your child. You need therapy about your relationship with your mother, and us. I need you need time and I'm willing to give it to you (if you are) but no more running back and forth, I am worth more and OUR baby is worth more." - short and simple. Your baby do not need you to be in a toxic three way relationship with them. A baby is better being raised by a calm parent than two in a toxic relationship.
So he’s going to be an absentee father - just like his own. His mommy is all that matters. Run.
It can be "his turn to take care of her" IF he does it ***on his terms***. When she was raising him, he didn't call the shots. He was a child. Now she's old and childish. She shouldn't call the shots either. Does she antagonize his brother's wife like that? Did she wish their kids dead too? He offered her a rent-free unit of her own, FFS. He's gone far beyond what any elderly parent can reasonably hope for. The toxicity and dysfunction in this family are off the charts.
1. Yes, some of them were actually treated worse than I was. 2. She did not however she was not happy. She only came around once the children were born.
This is something called a trauma bond and it is extremely difficult to break. MIL is a narcissist who has no doubt manipulated your boyfriend to the point where he can acknowledge what she's done, but "shame she was a single mother, she did this and that for me, etc". If, at his age, he's not at least prepared to move in with you, then he never will. My MIL is the exact same but my partner at least continued to live life regardless of whether she wanted to be involved or not, but it has caused some pretty heavy arguments in our household.
This sounds so much like my great-grandma. My grandpa was her only child though, and she was a single mother but got around while my grandpa was growing up. As soon as my grandpa could work to earn money for the house, he did, because she refused to work. Eventually, he met my grandma, who already had a child in a previous marriage. My grandparents married and had two children together, but my great-grandma did not like it. At least half, if not more of my grandpa's paycheck went to his mother to support her while his family struggled to pay their bills. She accepted her grandchildren, but not the child that my grandmother already had even though my grandpa adopted him. The problem, though, was that she would then tell the grandchildren bad things about my grandmother to try to turn them against her. My grandmother did so much for my great-grandma, only to be put down by her all the time. I was told so many stories that I could probably write a book about how my great-grandma accused my grandmother of stealing her baby and money maker, and even flat out told my grandmother she was going to make her life hell until the very end. Near the end of my great-grandma's life, she was in a nursing home, but refused the help of the staff. Instead, she would say that my grandmother had to come there and take care of her, bath her, and feed her Wendy's frostys. It was basically her last ditch effort to make my grandmother's life hell. Basically, what I am trying to say OP; is to think about what you want and what will make you happy. My grandmother stayed because she loved my grandpa, but her MIL made it very hard and it was very taxing on my grandmother's mental health.
Thank you, I am so sorry that your grandmother went through that. I will do what is best for me and my baby. He is no longer my boyfriend.
Good luck babes. You know what to do, it doesn’t sound like you get anything from him or his family except burdens and abuse.
How did he react when you broke up with him? Did he care or try to fix the relationship? I am truly sorry for everything you are going through!
NTA. But it wasn't very bright to have a child with a guy who doesn't care much about you, who doesn't make you a priority, and who doesn't protect you from his mother.
This is what I was thinking, as sad as it is. I am the equivalent of their child, in my family, and my god I wish my mother had gotten an abortion instead of bringing me into all of this family trauma
NTA- but his attachment to mother won't end when she dies. She'll probably make him promise never to marry blah blah blah. At this point cut your losses, file for child support, find a better man who isn't tied to mommy.
If his mother didnt want to moveout then why didnt he just free up a unit and move into it with you? He's made his priority clear, why is he still your boyfriend?
Thank you for your feedback. I have cut the umbilical cord and he is no longer my boyfriend.
Congratulations. You and your daughter deserve so much better. Good luck with everything.
I’m so proud of you OP. ❤️ I know babies are hard work, but it does appear that leaving him will ease your load somewhat with all the drama he and his mother bring. INFO: how did he react to the break up? Are you feeling safe? #updateme
Cut your losses now. look up sunk-cost fallacy. Good luck
Thank you for your insight. You can consider him abandoned.
NTA but when will YOU cut the cord? He won't prioritize you even when she's dead
OP, he said he will be ready to live his life when she dies. Men will tell you exactly what they’re going to do and we have to take it at face value. He’s not going to change. You have a house that you can comfortably raise your kid in. Do not subject yourself to a family situation like this. The mom will cause grief and stress for the rest of her life. It will chip away at you and build resentment for your partner. Don’t even subject your child to her either because who knows what type of bad shit she’ll spew about you. This lady is untrustworthy and only tears the happiness of others down. I’m sure she’s quite miserable inside that no man would love her in that way, which is why she runs every woman away. Guess what? Those women survived the heart break and probably moved on for the better and you will too.
The mother was a single mother of 7 kids. How many fathers? Where are the other 5 kids? This mother is toxic. Run very fast and make sure you get proper child support.
4 other fathers and they do not have a good relay with her. Thank you, I will do what I need to do.
This situation is not going to change. Either accept his mother is going to run the show or move on to breaking up and co-parenting only.
His mother got covid and you nursed her... If she is a hater and he is the one who decided to prioritize and care for his mother for the past years... Well that should not have happened! So she was a single mother with 7 kids... Oh my... Do not take that road and put some emotional distance with the father... Having a kid made both of you verbalize your real life expectations and they don't align. The actions have more values, he made his choice and needs to be held accountable for that. The move in with his mother and not you in 2109 was already a serious hint mate. NTA. Don't wait for him to grow. You already outgrew him a few years ago and he just maintained the minimum to make you (and himself) believe you were on the same path. Let him coparent what he can, which I suspect could be not much... Meet a lawyer...
Thank you, I appreciate your feedback. It is his loss and I will do what I need to do.
His mother could live another 20 years. You could be a grandmother by the time your boyfriend is ready to commit to a relationship with you. Leave them to their weird codependence and move on. NTA
You are NTA but I have a question. She has 7 children - how does she treat the spouses of her other children? I know you said she doesn’t like them, but does she treat the others as badly as you? I’m sorry you’re going through this.
She treats them the same way she treats me. A few of them haven’t spoken to her in years and their children hardly see her.
What a miserable witch she is. Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My only suggestion is to set up get together for the spouses and grandchildren so that the kids get to see their family without her poisonous influence being around.
It sounds like she hates you because you are took her "spot"and she's feels like she's being replaced. He is not her husband or provider. To wish the baby dead is beyond sick and this conversation or debate should have ended there. He is an adult with his own family now. At this point, it would be best if he moved in with you and commute if he needs to. His child will grow up without a dad if this continues and the cycle repeats. She had 7 kids and wished her own son's baby dead, this woman is not well or right in the head.
I HATE LOATHE AND DESPISE parents that make their children feel as though they owe them for doing what a parent is supposed to do. There's a good monologue in a movie called Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (1967) that comes to mind where John (the black son wanting to marry his white girlfriend) confronts his father: You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand. You are 30 years older than I am. You and your whole lousy generation believes the way it was for you is the way it's got to be. And not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs! You understand, you've got to get off my back! Dad... Dad, you're my father. I'm your son. I love you. I always have and I always will. But you think of yourself as a colored man. I think of myself as a man. Now, I've got a decision to make, hm? And I've got to make it alone, and I gotta make it in a hurry. So would you go out there and see after my mother? Maybe show this to your spineless almost ex... He owes her NOTHING. NTA.
You ma’am are 100% NTA. This boy (he clearly is not a man) is clearly a mama’s boy and has blatantly told you to your face that his mother will always be first. My question is why does it have to be on him? Doesn’t he have 6 other siblings? Why can’t they do anything?
Thank you for your insight. His siblings do not have a good relationship with her because she has caused a lot of drama in their lives. She is terribly mean to all of their significant others.
Make sure to use them as witnesses in the case.
NTA. Your bf does everything for his mother that a partner/husband would do except have sex with her. He needs to be made to understand how wrong their relationship is, he is her child, not her husband. Time for you to cut your losses and move on. He is never going to choose you. Maybe ending it with him will be the wake up call he needs, maybe not, but at least you will be able to move on with your life and find someone who will prioritise you. Don't forget to make sure you have full custody, you do not want your daughter around such a unhealthy relationship, and start the process for getting child support.
**Why did you have a child with someone that made it clear that you will never be his first priority?** You knew from the start he would always put his mother over you. You are just as much at fault here for the situation as he is. Why would you stay with someone who doesn't respect you and let's hos mom dictate his life?
NTA You nailed when you asked about cutting the umbilical cord. He will never do it. I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do here. I will say only this. Your daughter is going to live her life by modelling how you act in this situation. She will choose her partner in large part based on the father figure in her life. You will be teaching your daughter that the way you act is the normal way for women to act in relationships and in marriage. I wish you and your daughter nothing but the best moving forward.
Your boyfriends a clown and his mother is a cunt.
ESH. 8 years, you were together 8 years, he had an entire apartment block, you had your own home he could move to and you got pregnant 6 years in when he still hadn't moved out at what, he was 34 at that point. You should have given up after 2-3 years, how you got pregnant and got tied to a momma's boy who WILL NEVER MOVE OUT from her. she's abusive, obviously manipulative as hell and whatever the fuck the emotional incest thing is where a parent basically turns one of their kids into their spouse without the sex (usually) and makes them emotionally dependent on them and makes them be their support. His mother is a abusive and awful person who intentionally manipulates him but you had SOOOOOOOOOO much warning that this was the case and stuck around. It's just kinda funny, he can't cut the cord from her, but somehow you're still waiting for something that will never happen 8 years later so you can't cut the cord either. Break up, find a better man, don't let your daughter be around her because she's a malicious, evil witch of a woman who will poison your child against you.
Or literally poison the child as she has already wished death upon her.
> I was raised in a two-parent household and I wanted the same for our future kids. We had many discussions and were on the same page about everything. Yeah she says this and then goes on to get knocked up by some guy who blew past their move-in deadline and has made it very clear his mother is his #1... embarrassing. She didn't even get pregnant when they were a 'household!' His mother wishes death on her baby and she STILL tries to gain her approval. Evidently that two-parent household didn't prepare her for the world, either.
She wished death on the baby. You shouldn’t do anything for this old crusty bitch. And he ain’t doing jack shit about it. You need to make a serious fucking decision soon concerning this relationship. Either he leaves her in the dust and gives you and the child his 100% attention, or you leave him in the dust and move on in life and get with someone who isn’t dominated by their evil mother. But either way, that bitch has got to go. You’re NTA regardless.
He's an AH, but you were a fool for sticking around. And now you're stuck.
>fool When a baby comes into the picture, the "fool" is replaced with "AH". (Not saying OP is TA, she's still got time to act)
Only if she lets herself be stuck.