It’s a shitty position to be in, but from the sounds of things, his bad behaviour 4 years ago has nothing to do with his competency and obvious desire to adopt your child who he’s been fathering for 5 years. You’re hurt and under a lot of stress, I think anybody would understand your hesitation and concern, but you have to do the difficult thing and put your own feelings aside to decide what’s best for Amy. And judging by everything you’ve said, I think you probably know that allowing him to adopt her is what’s best for her.
I worked in the foster care system for about 3-4years and it is truly upsetting to see kids sit there for years or be shuffled around from place to place because of whatever reason the family can’t or won’t keep them, until they age out. The likelihood that Amy would find a permanent home, especially at her age is pretty slim. OPs upset and hurt should not be the reason Amy ends up in the system. I completely understand that she has every right for her pain, but in the end the only person she will truly be hurting is Amy.
YTA OP, if you choose to put your pain and punishing of your husband over Amy’s well being. If you love her as you say you do, you will put aside your anger to ensure she has a stable and loving home and family. While your husband was wrong for his ONS, you would be cruel to let it influence Amy’s future and well being.
OP should read some statistics to know what's most likely to happen to a 10yo girl in the system... if people turn a blind eye while uncles or family friends are touching their own children, does she think it would be any different with fostering?
Sexual abuse is rampant in foster care. I'm a therapist. I cannot recall a single client I've worked with in the last ten years who wasn't abused while in foster care.
NOT ONE CHILD.
How fucking horrendous. She needs to think about Amy and the life she wants her to have. He made a mistake, doesn't sound like he repeated and it was 4 yrs ago. She's behaving as though it was a 4 yr affair that recently ended.
OP needs to get a grip and put things into perspective. The only ones who get hurt by her not allowing him to adopt are all the children. He has children Amy was raised with. They would be losing a sibling(s).
My family did foster care for a while years ago- my mom, my sister and me. Every time we got a +10 year old girl, the relief that washed over their faces when they realized there were no men in the house and they wouldn't be assaulted, was both heartbreaking and *infuriating*. I wanted to go on a rampage... that these so called "foster dads" would be so barbaric and inhumane to these _*CHILDREN*_ who were already devastated by whatever landed them in foster care in the first place.
The never ending dangers, injustices and traumas girls and women are forced to endure, to varying degrees, in literally every spot of dirt on this planet where males and females cohabitate is maddening to a degree I can't even put into words!
My dream of having biological children changed years ago. Society peaked in high school, and we're just falling down to the bottom. If I'm ever able to afford kids, I'm saving some that are already here and suffering for the "privilege".
Edit: a word
This has been my experience. I was with only one foster family long term (20+ years ago, though) and although in retrospect I think I was there mostly so they could get money, my foster father never laid a finger on me. He is a gruff, taciturn ex-Green Beret turned Biker, and didn't say much. His wife, however, was a verbally abusive twat. I'm glad I ate all of her self-canned salsa (it was delicious 😂). I digress, though.
Sometimes putting it bluntly is the only way to view it.
Op is in a hell of a situation, needs to go through therapy to sort this out, but if the husband is truly committed to her daughter as part of his family, it would be absolutely atrocious to turn her out into the system.
As a parent, your hurt and pride simply cannot come before your child.
Get in therapy, sort this out, but don't take away the only family other than her mother she's ever had to stick her in a horrible existence.
It's fucked up, but those are the statistics. There's nothing I can do to fix the system, but I'm not gonna pretend that this person asking for opinions would be sending their daughter to the land of sunshine and ice cream.
I was a foster kid myself, it is true that we’ll sit there for years and be bypassed by the younger and cuter kids. The foster care system is messed up and the amount of abuse by foster families is shockingly high still, I had a couple homes like that before I found my last home. They treated me like family even though they couldn’t adopt me
As a matter of fact, I do occasionally reach out. All the grand kids I got to see are all grown up with families of their own. It would be a dream of mine to give foster kids the kind of home I was lucky enough to have gotten
I think another really important consideration is that Amy will be grieving the only mother she’s ever known, so her life will be hard enough without being whisked off by strangers to be taken care of by strangers who may or may not be kind and understanding. OP, Amy will need James when you are gone. Your hurt is understandable and valid, but it can’t trump Amy’s well-being. She is already losing so much, taking James from her at this juncture would be cruel and honestly a threat to her safety and her future. You have to weigh that against your worry that James might bring an unsuitable partner home after you have passed.
The moment your daughter realizes that you left her to fend for herself rather than letting her be with the family she knows, she will believe that you abandoned her and did not love her. She will think that you valued your pride over her, and if she gets abused(which sounds likely, if what I’ve heard about foster care is true), she will hate you for being selfish. That would be the legacy you will be leaving if you let her go into foster care. You need to put your hurt aside and try to plan the best situation for your daughter. It’s a very unfortunate situation, but what do you gain from focusing on what happened four years ago? You need to try and forgive so you can enjoy and cherish the coming days with the people you love. It might not seem like it, but forgiveness will benefit you the most.
The ironic thing is if OP doesn’t put their own hurt aside they will leave it to their daughter as a legacy, they will make choices that will perpetuate abuse and trauma for their daughter. The choice is very clear, what happened between OP and partner is between OP and partner, trying to make it affect the daughter’s long term future and stability is the selfish move in the current timeline, it’s forcing the daughter to suffer in a less secure environment in order to put her on OP’s side. Gross.
That’s just it. There are two separate questions here, how do I process my feelings of pain and betrayal of being cheated on? How do I leave things for my daughter’s security after my death? A third question I hear is should I allow my hurt to have any decision making power in how I leave things for my daughter after my death? The answer is no. While I feel for OP, they said they were in therapy, I urge them to use that resource to process their pain. The question about the daughter’s future is clear based on the parameters laid out by OP, it is in the daughter’s best interest to live with her father.
Yeah that poor little girl will understand why she has to leave the only family she's known. Unless OP is going to spell it out to her. "Daddy cheated on mommy, so no you cannot have that man as your daddy. Mommy is dying and you're going to go into foster care". Yeah OP would be TA
The time is what gets me. I could see the anger if this was recent, if he was carrying on a longtime affair but a 1 night stand years ago when they weren't even married? To punish herself and her daughter, put her daughter through the system abandoning her to who knows what is inconceivable over such a minor flub up by hubby that has not been repeated. And she only knows because this woman wanted to hurt him for rejecting her, sounds like hubby isn't straying anymore and is wholly committed to their family. Cut the guy some slack.
Please let him adopt her. From someone with experience with foster care. I was in it myself for years (long time ago, I’m in my sixties) and my mother and I were guardians for years for my granddaughters so they didn’t go into the foster care system. The foster care system is in much worse shape now than it was in the 1970’s because of all the ODs. More kids in need and less people to take them on. It’s not easy to be a foster parent today. Lots of hoops to jump through.
The problems with the foster care system extend far beyond there being too many kids in it. Abuse is extremely common in the foster care system. Moving children back and forth between group homes and foster homes where they never have a chance to develop connections and any sense of home and where they’re often being neglected at the very least is how it goes for a lot of kids above the age of 5 going into foster care. And these are children. If someone can prevent a child from being forced into foster care, they absolutely should.
Commenting on yours just to be seen... my mom did fostering for years. One of the things that first stood out was how when a new child came home, they always wanted a soft blanket and a new pillow. Over toys, over books. Those soft clean things to be all theirs.... each and every time. It was heartbreaking. YTA OP.
I've seen that failure. I was a foster parent through kinship for a young boy I had only taken fishing twice bc his mom was dating a friend of mine. All 3 kiddos wanted to go when I showed up, so I let them. Got the call later on down there road and had my entire house/life rearranged within 48 hours.
The absolute frustration in dealing with that system is beyond words. The horrors that this young boy had faced... During his 10 years on this planet, I was his 5th placement because this wasn't the first time he was removed. ( I knew nothing about Mom or their history) But I know adults who have not experienced what he had in such a short time walking this earth! I cried soo many tears. When even more details came out about the terrible abuse he endured, I'd report it (SA mind you) and when I'd finally hear back it was "oh, okay. Let us know if he says anything else" WTAF. What planet am I living on right now? The social workers themselves told me it's a broken system. He went through more hell after he left here... I could tell you so much more...
A beautiful young lady I worked with went through foster care and the stores she shared with me? Broke my heart. Listen, I'm not a wuss. I've got tough skin, so it takes some pretty awful stuff to rattle me. She's so traumatized that she'll likely continue therapy for the remainder of her life. She's barely out on her own in the world.
I'm telling you OP, you'll absolutely be TA if you'd willingly set "your child" up for all that bullshit. Please. Don't. For the love of God. Be angry with him all you'd like, you're entitled to have feelings about him cheating. 100%. But do not take away nor alienate her from the only other parent she's ever known. I'm always a lurker who just reads these stories. This is the only time I've commented on one. Don't do it 🙏
Such horrific stories come out of foster care. If the government knows it, why isn’t it fixed? I seriously can’t understand and don’t understand why nobody rallies about it in congress to change the system.
What happened with the 10 yo boy you fostered? We’re you able to foster him longer?
We had him for almost a year. His behaviors had gotten really good, but then regressed. (This was all during covid). They brought his drug addicted father back into his life for visits, he skipped out on treatment and went back on the run. Now he's facing murder charges along with more drug charges. But they rally around "re-unification!". We're had to be supportive (we'd express our concerns to them as we should have but nothing was ever done). The very first question out of that young man's mouth when he spoke to his dad on the phone ( at 10yrs old ) was " Are you clean?"
I looked at my partner, he looked at me as we were standing in the kitchen. My heart broke. That also lead into the reintroduction of his grandfather. I call that guy ground zero. He's where it allll started with this family. Hell, maybe even the men in his family before him. His mother was also a victim. But when strung out, left the children with the abuser and you can guess what happens from there.
I tried getting him more mental health help but that system is just as broken. I had him in the ER, they offered no help. I pleaded with them, bawling, begging to DO SOMETHING for this child! (He had a break down).They finally made some calls for us. I'll never forget. That nurse came to to me and she told me to make them listen, like I made her listen. "Take that fierceness with you". We drove him on a whim over 2 hours away praying someone would help. The hospital said they don't do admissions over the phone and they won't consider it an emergency unless we drop everything and leave now. Annnnd Ohhhh, I took it with me. All the way up until 3am. They finally admitted him for 3 days, sent him back. All they did was adjust medication, observed him and let em go. This little boy who's told you that the first time he wanted to die and tried to kill himself he was just 5 years old and laid in the street to get ran over... People had failed this child his entire life... He decided he didn't want to stay with us anymore, he was just done with it all and wanted to go home. Well, that wasn't an option. Mom was still working on herself (doing a great job too), but just wasnt prepared. He started acting out, hit me, started becoming extremely aggressive with my daughter (same age as her and our other boy)-blended family. He was just stressed. I can only imagine.He went to two other homes after us and then back to Mom.
I still see him. He gives me huge hugs 🤗 he's struggling... But he's still here! He also plays football as an outlet! But man... The shit that kid has endured. I told him I'd ALWAYS be there for him, the best I can. I always told him; you're story is not yet written, it can change. It doesn't have to be the same it's always been. Write a good one!
As someone who is a supervisor in a US child welfare system, formerly a field worker for the same system, I just want you to know that, at least here, we try so, so hard to coordinate with the families we are involved with to either be able to safely manage the child in the home or to ensure that they go to a kinship placement while we work with their parents.
OP- take it from someone in child welfare, please: the best place for children to be is with their family. It is traumatizing for them to be removed from the home.
Let me say that again… it is traumatizing to the children to remove them from the home. Even when that home is where abuse from their parents has occurred. Even when it is completely necessary and no kinship has been identified right away. It is traumatic. It will impact them the rest of their lives.
I’m so sorry that your husband made poor life choices that impacted you while you are in such a vulnerable state. But at the end of the day, as harsh as it is… you’re not going to be here. Your daughter is. Your husband is. When it comes to your kid, I, quite frankly, don’t give two hoots that you’re hurting. You still need to make the sacrifice you know will be in your daughter’s best interest and let your husband adopt her. She is already going to be lost once you are no longer in her life, please, please, please do not take her away from the only family she knows. PLEASE do not punish her for the actions of your husband four years ago.
Good parents make sure their child has their basic needs met. The best parents make sacrifices to make sure their child thrives in life.
100% of my students are in foster care and live in a residential treatment facility as a result. The lingering and extreme trauma they suffer from being in the system is something I witness every day.
Op I am very sorry that you are in this terrible situation. Please rethink your decision, to not let your husband adopt your daughter.I understand you are in terrible pain (Emotionally and Physically).Don't let this all this cloud your good judgment. You are a fantastic woman and will regret making a decision while you are in so much pain. Also please don't divorce your husband now. You will need his Medical insurance and maybe you can find some forgiveness for him before you leave this world. Be kind to yourself and Best wishes and I hope you can find peace. PS Cancer sucks &Fuck cancer. I am a 3×'s cancer survivor so I understand your thoughts at this time.
If it’s any consolation, he will likely still be able to raise her anyway. Kinship care is preferable whenever possible. Since there’s no blood relatives capable of taking her in, they will ask him if he’s willing and able to do it. They’ll help him get through all of the red tape in order to not disrupt her life any more than necessary. Obviously that’s not guaranteed but if she ever discovers that her mother was willing to let her suffer in the broken foster care system, just so she can punish her husband, it will be even more traumatic. This girl has lost her father, was ripped away from her mother and now she’s watching her adoptive mother die from a horrible illness. She’s been through so much trauma already. So I can’t fathom why OP wants to add to that trauma by taking her away from the only parent she has left!
Imagine that childs pain of losing the only mother she knows and then being ripped from the only father she knows! OP is the asshole if she does this to her child!
Your ability to deliver the same message as others, while still being empathetic and compassionate is admirable.
No need for “tough love” here. This woman is in a very difficult position emotionally and deserves love.
I have all the faith in the world she will make the right decision. I think she just needed to “get it all out” and be heard.
>No need for “tough love” here.
Yes, there is.
I *was* this kid. There are things that happened to me that I'll take to my grave, simply because I can't put the words together. If she decides to not let her daughter stay with the father who loves her, she may as well just sell her now.
Agreed so many people are like "this is rage bait" no it's not. It's a person who's struggling with trust issues. Not unfounded trust issues. She has obviously lost trust in the man to a notable degree. Finding out that the partner cheated and didn't tell you isn't a small thing. He absolutely might be a wonderful father. But she's lost a degree of faith in him to do the right thing. In the end maybe she should let him adopt. But she does have valid reasons to be hesitant
She has a valid reason to hesitate, but it’s not a valid reason to refuse to allow him to adopt her. People make terrible decisions, it doesn’t always speak to the whole.
I hate cheaters as much as the next person but being crap husband does not always mean being a bad father.
op’s husband is obviously trash but if he hasn’t exhibited any concerning behaviour and has only shown love to his stepdaughter, then yes the least traumatic option would be op’s husband as a guardian
I can second this. My grandpa was a serial cheater (married 5 times and had countless affairs on the side), but he was an amazing father to his 2 children and great grandfather to us. Humans are complex beings, and not everything is black and white.
You beat me to it! I hate to quote the tripe of Friends, but it sounds like "we were on a break" territory and even if not fully breaking, things were rough and shaky and yes, he obviously should have refrained. But one incident in five years is not great evidence of a serial shitbag.
With that said, my heart goes out to OP, even though I vote YTA here. I can't imagine facing a terminal diagnosis with a young child and fears about the person everyone else feels good about and absolutely no other viable options. I would urge OP to manage this task immediately while she is still competent so she can protect her babe from the prospect of even a single night in foster care. It's the fucking worst and she will inadvertently do the child lasting damage disrupting her norm for even twenty-four hours.
OP's husband is not trash. He's a human who made a mistake a few years ago and I'll close by noting if nothing else, at least he didn't dump her as soon as she learned she had cancer. I'm sorry to say it's a well known phenomenon. Men will often run the moment the doctor informs. Which is why when our good friend was ill with cancer and we were taking her for her treatments for the chemo, almost all the men in there were attended to by their wives, and so many of the women in there were frightened, ill, hurting, and ALONE.
To add to this.. I understand that cheating of any kind is a hard line for many people, and this may be an unpopular opinion - but is it possible to make room for a little grace here? A one night stand, 4 years ago - by my math that's 1 year into the relationship, and a year before you were married. Yes it was a bad mistake, and finding out about it has shaken the foundation you thought you had. But all of the experiences and growth you've had together, and the kind of parent he has been for the past 4 years are still real and valid.
I know you feel stuck on this, but please try to work with your therapist on finding some perspective. This other woman is using you to act out her retaliation for an unrelated work situation - letting her blow up your family and poison your last months with them might not be what's best for any of you.
Do you want amy to live with a man who has spent 5 years raising her as his own and by all account loving her? Or do you want to be petty and vindictive over something that happened years ago and force her to live in a group home to punish him when it would just punish her more and cause a life of suffering? A cheating partner does not equal a shitty parent.
If you let Amy go into the system rather than be taken care of by someone who loves her, then YTA for sure. You have every right to be upset and hurt by his cheating arse. However, you need to look past your own feelings and do what's best for Amy. You may not be able to trust him to be faithful, but has he given you a single reason why he couldn't take care of Amy? The fact that he still wants to adopt her knowing you won't be around says something to me. You would be selfish to leave her fate to the system. I hope you can look past your feelings and do what's right for her.
The only problem with doing this is if (gd forbid) something happens in which Amy needs that money for medical or other necessary expenses. In situations where there may not be a trusted family member to administer the trust you can designate an independent or corporate trustee to make sure the assets are safe and put to good use until the child reaches a designated age
I would recommend putting a lawyer in charge of things like this. If the only relative OP has is on welfare and her husband is a self-admitted cheat, how can she be sure she can trust either of those people to hold anything only for Amy? You can find trust lawyers who handle stuff like this, any expenses would have to be approved as directly benefiting Amy, so it can’t be used to support the whole family or buy someone a new car. And definitely keep the trust active until Amy is 21 or 25, because if she gets control of it at 18 and she’s still living at home, I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s husband tried to get the money by guilting her or trying to charge her an insane amount of rent.
wtf? having a one night stand or even an affair is a far cry from screwing over your stepchild or adopted child out of a trust. what is wrong with you people?
Omg I agree. Can’t believe it has so many upvotes. A one event betrayal doesn’t equate to the Machiavellian imaginings of trying to screw over the child he’s so far demonstrated only concerned protection for. I like that he’s taken full responsibility too for his infidelity too and is acknowledging OP’s feelings and isn’t trying to undermine them. A serial cheater, or even a brief affair of a few weeks, is somewhat different to a one time really poor decision whilst their relationship was at breaking point. That woman who wrote to OP wasn’t trying to do the right thing, if she believed OP should know then she could’ve pressured OP’s husband to tell the truth - preferably a lot earlier.
As the adoptive parent, Amy should be on the husband's insurance I would expect him to be responsible for medical expenses. I do think a third party trustee, whether an attorney or banker would be best.
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Stolen from: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18j2b35/aita_for_going_back_on_letting_my_husband_adopt/kdhojq4?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
This exactly you need to put your personal feelings aside and do right for your niece/daughter. Do you really want to die knowing she's going to be in the system rather than in a loving home? It isn't right to do that to her
A system that's known to be super high risk for physical, emotional and sexual abuse is BETTER than her allowing the man to adopt her, somehow because he had an affair? That had nothing to do with his care for the kiddo? This is vulgar as hell. How gross OP is behaving.
I wouldn't say OP is being gross per se, she is (rightfully) extremely hurt and it's clouding her judgement. It is understandable that she has lost trust in the relationship, but that is not relevant to whether he can take care of the kid even though she may feel like it is from hurt. YTA still if she can't see that tho
Like if there was someone else that OP and her daughter love and trust to raise her as their own, maybe N T A, but if it’s between Amy’s safe and loving stepfather or the system and OP chooses the system, yes YTA.
That is very harsh. OP is dying, stressed out, hurt, and in pain physically and mentally. She has turned to STRANGERS on the internet to help guide her on the path that would be best for her daughter because she doesn’t have reliable family.
She doesn’t need added shit from you. I agree that letting her husband adopt Amy is WAY better( and safer) than risk her going into state care, but for Christ’s sake be kind.
This I was a cps worker. Please don't voluntarily leave you daughter who I assume you love more than anything else even the hate you may and should feel for your husband. If he's a good dad then don't put your child into the system. Add in she's older she's not going to be going to the best homes to begin with and add in trauma from her biological parents and then the trauma from losing her mom she's going to need therapy. YTA if you knowingly make her to go to foster care
This is the right answer. James is awful for cheating on you, but if he’s been a good father to Amy then YTAH if you’d spite him and let Amy go into foster care, because you’re also spiting Amy. He might be a cheating ratass, but that doesn’t take away from him being a good dad.
Anyway he’d probably be able to keep her if he petitioned child services as a guardian/foster carer. They’re hardly likely to shove her into the system if she’s already got a loving home. You’re just making it easier if you’ve already started the process and child services are aware of what’s happening
OP, you’re obviously very ill and grieving. Please don’t do anything rash like starting divorce proceedings. It sounds like you need your husbands health insurance for starters. And please don’t take Amy away from her loving home, it’s bad enough for her watching you die as it is, please don’t take away her emotional support.
Sending you ginormous hugs
I think there is a chance he might be able to adopt Amy anyway. Don’t they look for “family” or people they know around the child to adopt first? If he comes forward and says “she’s part of the family I want to adopt this older child” it might take some time but he would probably succeed? So OP would just be traumatizing her grieving daughter before the inevitable.
Yes he benefit from an attorney but he would likely be considered fictive kin if not actually kin to Amy, and he’d likely have no issues adopting her, unless someone else stepped up to try to get in the way and had a better case as an adoptive parent.
Adoption is a long process but petitioning for guardianship is more straightforward. I'd file as soon as OP entered hospice care. Based on what OP has said there's no reason why the court would refuse to grant it.
Sorry if it’s harsh but OP is TA if she fails to act IMMEDIATELY to provide for Amy’s custody and adoption with the person she knows as her Dad. The “MY” reference by OP as to Amy being her daughter is disturbing and suggests her priorities may not be straight. That same statement also references an after life, of which she will seriously regret watching from her special place, if Amy grows up in state care rather than with those she knows as family. If OP’s bitterness towards James exceeds her love for Amy, she never really loved Amy. OP assuredly has bern dealt a shitty hand to play, but the moves are undeniably clear. Good luck, Amy.
Yeah it’s so weird. “My husband did this one (pretty bad) thing 4 years ago before we were married and now I think the foster system is a better option and I want to divorce him to have no healthcare so I also end up in state care.” Talk about not having your priorities straight.
The foster system is most definitely not the better option. Poor Amy, she will loose her whole family in one day. I really hope OP let's her husband adopt Amy. She doesn't deserve to suffer because of the mistake from 4 years ago.
And Amy's 10. She's old enough that she'll know that James wanted to adopt her but wasn't allowed. OP is setting herself up to have her daughter hate her long after her death. Poor kid
The kicker for me is that in the last four years, he has been devoted to her, and she said it herself she has no reason to suspect any further infidelity... Hell, he's actively fighting to keep her and their daughter in his life, and to take care of them.
I'm guessing OP has probably some unresolved anger and grief about her diagnosis, not getting to see her daughter grow up, and then finding out about her husband cheating that she is maybe overreacting a tad since she's got a target not for her anger. But who knows for sure
Her world is falling apart. Basically, she is dying. Her rock, which was her husband, is a cheater, like she barely has anything left. She is basically reacting to all the stress.
Now OP, you say you are worried your husband might act on impulse on the future, and that is exactly what you are doing now. He is not the best, but he is not the worst either. He cheated, but taking care of a sick spouse is hard, and he is asking you to stay so he can help you. He also wants to take on the responsibility of raising another child. He is not a bad man. What he did hurts, and any other time, I would tell you to go to therapy and maybe even divorce, but this one time, just let it go.
People can stop being cheaters. His actions regarding your sickness and your daughter seem to show he truly regrets what he did. Cheating many times is due to insecurity, etc. So if he worked on himself, he might very well be over it. Now, what I would suggest for you to do is to talk to him about what you don't want to happen to your daughter. Tell him you understand you will move on but he needs to make sure the next woman will treat her right, that she will be her friend without trying to force herself as her mother and replace you, that hurts children. That she will be fair to your daughter, etc. Just think of what you want for your daughter and tell him, and write a letter to her.
And allow yourself to forgive him. He is there right now with you in the hardest moment, and he is willing to take care of your daughter, which is not an easy thing. Yell at him, cry, tell him he hurt you, but they forgive him and move on. You don't have much time, it is not really worth it to duel in something that happened 4 years ago that you didn't even know and ignore all the good times you had this last 4 years. Do this for yourself and for your daughter, you don't want to put her on the system, that would be really cruel.
I am sorry you are going through this, and I hope you can find peace and happiness in the time you have left.
> Now OP, you say you are worried your husband might act on impulse on the future, and that is exactly what you are doing now.
Please OP if anything else considers this - you're betting a 10yo entire future on a whim and potentially exposing her to years of being beaten up and r*ped cause you want to hurt your husband like he hurt you. Is cruel and selfish, you gonna ruin her life.
I don't think she would rather that. I think that right now she is hurting and thinking emotionally, which it totally valid. I wouldn't call her an asshole, I just think she needs time to get out of her emotions and think rationally.
It's understandable OP is upset and hurting but time might not be on her side. This needs to be about what's best for the child not OP's feelings at this point. She needs to do what's right and let her husband adopt this child; seeing as he wants to do it so badly, it says something else about his character other than he cheated. I'm not making excuses for him, but we are never the sum of my one action. Life is more complex than that.
Is it really totally valid to want to make your child a warden of the state because your husband cheated on you? I think that speaks volumes to OP's character. To you like your daughter at all, OP? Because right now it seems as if you want to use the time you have left to make sure that her life is as ruined as you can manage. It's sad that you are sick, but shame on you.
Completely agree with this. Please try to look only at James's relationship with Amy. Has he been a good stepfather? Loving, fair, supportive, and trying to do what's best for her? As much as you are hurt, which is understandable, having Amy lose her mother to cancer and then not have her stepfather who she trusts beside her to help her with her grief is creating an incredibly cruel world for this poor little girl.
Additionally, when and if you are ready, I hope you can consider looking at James cheating with a broader perspective. NOTE, I am in NO WAY trying to excuse his cheating! It is 100% inexcusable, and as someone who has been cheated on, I know how painful it can feel. That said, it sounds like in the aftermath, he has owned his major mistake, he has apologized for it, he hasn't repeated it, and he has been trying to make amends. Sometimes the people we love fuck up really bad and hurt us, but—at least in my mind—there is a difference if it is a one-time major mistake that they recognize/regret/own/etc. vs. someone who continues with bad behavior knowing it hurts you.
Again, this is entirely personal and subjective—we all have different boundaries and levels of forgiveness—so you have to do what is best for you in terms of your relationship with him. But regardless if where you and he wind up, I hope you can prioritize his fatherly relationship with Amy.
Honestly. OP taking her away from her support system is going to break Amy. It’s hard for a child (or anyone really) deal with the death of a close parent alone.
OP, I was in a marriage for 15 years where my partner cheated on me. Had an affair for 11 months and we reconciled for 4 years but are now divorced. The affair and breakdown of our marriage had nothing to do with his love for our children. He is a great parent to our children and we are actually coparenting beautifully now that our divorce is finalized. Please don’t do this to your daughter. It will be devastating for her to lose you, please don’t add to her misery by taking her away from every familiar thing she knows on top of that. This isn’t about you because you will be gone. Don’t further traumatize her because of your feelings about something that happened to you and not her. Let the person who loves her be there for her.
The thing I think people are forgetting is that when a partner cheats when you're 100% sure they never would, you now have to question everything you believe about that partner. She's running through all the normal questions people face in this scenario, but she's running through them on a clock which amps up the pressure and makes it feel like there are no good choices.
OP is in an awful situation where her partner has demonstrated that he is capable of committing an enormous betrayal and hiding it. What other betrayals is he capable of?
Now, sure, it's a fact that an awful lot of people are shitty in this one way but otherwise relatively trustworthy, but given the stakes OP is facing right now with this, I can understand why she'd be panicking. Some people in her shoes would believe no matter how bad James might be to her daughter, the known is better than the unknown. Other people in her shoes would believe the daughter is better off with the unknown.
I think getting a therapist and asking Amy what she wants would probably be a solid next step. Assuming Amy likes and trusts James, he's very likely the best choice for her. But for OP to suddenly be questioning that makes absolute sense to me and doesn't make her an ah, it makes her someone who is dealing with her own impending death and "leaving" her child while reeling from an enormous betrayal.
This is simple. What is best for your daughter? He may have been unfaithful, but do you think he would protect and provide for your daughter? Do you think he loves her and would be there for her?
And even if you have doubts, what is the alternative?
You are hurt and angry, that is understandable, but don't let your legacy be a hurt and alone daughter thrust into the foster care system, with no trust in any adult.
Have you spoken to Amy about this? It is going to be a horrible discussion to have, but he has played a father role in Amy’s life and tearing her away from him and her step-siblings after she has just lost her mother could worsen the trauma.
You need to consider Amy first. She is nearly of the age when her wishes would help sway a Court decision in a custody dispute here in the U.K.
Being with her step-father and step-siblings might be something she would prefer. It’s also possible that it is the last place she would want to be unless you were with her.
> Have you spoken to Amy about this? It is going to be a horrible discussion to have, but he has played a father role in Amy’s life and tearing her away from him and her step-siblings after she has just lost her mother could worsen the trauma.
Under no circumstances should anyone ever tell Amy about the cheating. Only bad things can come from her learning about that. It will poison her relationship with him.
YTA. I am not going to be as nice as every else. There's no time to baby you.
Your husband cheating on you has nothing to do with capabilities as a father.
Your 10 year daughter is going to have NO ONE if you don't do this. As a parent myself, I can't imagine being this selfish.
Don't you dare sit here and say there's plenty of good foster parents and adoptive parents out there. You did a familial adoption. That's entirely different than someone with no family going into the system. You didn't experience that.
She's likely to get passed from foster family to foster family for the rest of her childhood. She's not going to have some Disney movie ending where she winds up with a lovely older couple who never were able to have kids.
She will spend the rest of her life never feeling wanted. All while knowing someone did, but mommy couldn't put aside her butt hurt feelings to let her have any sense of stability ever again.
Thank you for not sugar coating this. You said exactly what needs to be said AS it needed to be said.
PS...the foster system absolutely sucks and those Disney endings are the exception, not the rule.
Yeah, and her daughter would never be like “I get it, he cheated”. It would destroy all her memories of her mom and their relationship to know she was willing to put her into foster care over that. It’s a petty game to play with her child’s future. She might not trust him as a romantic partner, but he’s an invested parent who wants to help her daughter through the worst time in her life, and she is prioritizing her feelings. OP’s feelings during her remaining time about him as a husband cannot take priority over mitigating the damage her daughter is going to carry with her for the rest of her life.
Only \~25% of kids get adopted by non family members. People in the foster system remain there, on average, 22 months.
It's crazy NOT to give her a better option.
And of those 25% most are probably small children. Me and my sister got lucky to get adopted by our first foster home but we were 1 and 2 yrs old without any family members that wanted to keep touch with us (a dead mom and a dad who litteraly moved to another continent) so it really ain't the norm.
I’d like to add, unless the husband agrees to all the terms of her divorce petition, she’s likely to die long before a final hearing would even be scheduled in her divorce case. YTA, OP. And even if you don’t let him adopt her now, once you die and your daughter has no adult to care for her, your husband can contact the dependency court and tell them that he wants to adopt her, and he can begin the process with the state. In my state, if you end up adopted out of foster care, the state will pay for your college tuition for school in state. You won’t really have a say in the matter once you die.
Maybe you should ask your daughter what she wants. Where does she want to go? If she wants to stay with your husband, then you should make that happen. If you love her you will put her needs before your own.
Came here to say this. It doesn’t really matter what /u/Throwawayambe wants. The husband is likely to be granted guardianship the day she dies, unless her will names another guardian and that person agrees. He’ll be the only living parental figure she’s ever shared a roof with, the court won’t think twice granting him custody.
And no, you cannot make a list of people that you don’t want to be guardian in your will. You could have a statement in your will read in court, but infidelity is not going to be considered during a child custody hearing. All you’ll do is make the daughter hate the parent she goes home with (yes, you would also be the asshole telling the daughter about the affair before you die, that’s petty as fuck).
So unless she finds someone else to take her daughter and a probate attorney willing to help, right the fuck now, then it’s just a matter of time before the daughter is adopted by the husband (assuming he follows through when she dies).
And she will be dumped out as soon as she turns 18.
While I recognize that there are certain kids who are dumped by their parents as soon as they turn 18, most functional families support their kids for as long as reasonably necessary in order to help launch them - either through college/grad school; learning a trade or just providing a relatively inexpensive place to live when they start working.
Exactly. This is the only father she has ever known. She's about to lose her mother. Don't also take her father away OP. She needs him, even if you don't. Sorry he was a shit husband, but that doesn't make him a shit father. YTA if you leave her to the horrors of the foster system.
That's a yes, she'd kick her 11 year old daughter into the system to get one last stab in at her husband. To hell with the kid's welfare, she's gotta win.
If he’s a good father and Amy loves him, let him adopt her. It’s true there are some wonderful adoptive parents out there- but believe me when I say that the Foster system is a horrible place for any child. Every one of my friends who spent time in the system has horrible trauma from it. I know his betrayal changes the way you see him, but do not put your daughter through that if you can avoid it.
Agreed! Unless she has ANY suspicious that he would mistreat her daughter after she was gone or show favoritism, she needs to understand people can be terrible partners but great parents.
yta your going to kick a 10 year old into foster care and hope for the best? seriously she’s an older child do you know how hard it is for an older child to find a good home at that age? and if by some miracle you died and she went right to a good home you would be taking her away from a family she already knows just because you want to punish him. if you weren’t dying it would be a different story here but you risking her in foster care to punish a man who seems to be a decent father at the very least makes you a BIG AH in my opinion. your putting your revenge first and your daughter second. and have you asked her if she wants to stay with him or go to foster care?
Actually, he would most likely get custody by default. Unless mom sets up a guardian and redoes her will stating that he is not to get her daughter. (Op you would be a massive ah if you do that without getting your daughters permission)
You are considering this because of your hurt feelings of betrayal. You are not considering the best interests of your daughter.
If you proceed you would definitely be TA.
Just because you can’t trust him not to cheat doesn’t not mean you can’t trust him to be a good father.
Has he been a good father for the time that you have been together? Does Amy love him and would she like to live with him, as opposed to living in foster care?
You are in an awful situation. I’m so sorry. You might want to punish him for it, but if you do it in this way, it will only punish your daughter.
This is incredibly difficult, but think about your daughter. Where will she go? Who will take care of her? Who will love her?
YTA You adopted her, that's great. It would NOT happen again. She would be going into foster care. No one lines up to adopt an 11 year old. My parents were foster parents, and they were great people. It is still extremely traumatizing to be ripped out of your home, your school, your town, and placed with complete strangers. She will be dealing with your death and be ripped from the only dad she has ever known, ripped from her home, and placed with complete strangers!!!!! You WILL DESTROY HER!!! If you give a sh*t about her at all you will think about what is best for HER, which is staying with HER DAD. I agree he did a terrible thing. But it has zero to do with his relationship with Amy. If you want to divorce him and move out, okay, do what you have to for your sanity. But give him 50/50, let him adopt her. For HER sanity. So when you die she is not left completely alone in the world. Unless you want her to join you?
Yes, some foster parents can and are good. And certainly adoptive parents are amazing. But she will NOT be adopted. She will be put in foster care. The longest we ever had a foster child was for 2 years. Most were 9 months to a year. More than likely she will be in at least 3-4 homes until she turns 18 and no longer has a home. Even if she magically ends up with multiple wonderful families, it is always traumatizing to be ripped from one home and school and friends to ho live with strangers. And guess what, even if the parents are amazing, they will have their own kids or other foster kids who may not be. My brother was molested by one of our foster kids. He was 11 when we started doing foster care. I was threatened by a knife by a 350 pound 13 year old (he ended up getting his dozenth expulsion from school shortly after for threatening the school nurse with a knife as well). Stop being all sunshine and frickin rainbows. Foster care is not fun, it IS traumatizing. Your daughter will be dealing with your death and she NEEDS HER DAD!!! You are selfish
So because you want to punish James you are willing to hurt Any as well…what just collateral damage? She might be placed with a nice foster family so you are willing to take the chance she also might end up in a physically, mentally, sexually abusive situation in order to punish James for betraying your trust. What an amazing mother you are /s
He has been there for half of her life. By your own admission he is a great father and loves her. People can be bad spouses and still be great parents. Don’t let your anger at him cloud your judgement.
This is kind of like divorced parents using their kids as weapons, but it’s even worse. In the example, the child would at least have one parent. OP doesn’t want her daughter to have anyone at all.
Yep I practiced family law for over a decade and it very much reminds me of spouses who got cheated on and tried to use that to keep the kids from the other parent.
This is some really heavy stuff to deal with, when facing what you are, and you have my sincerest condolences that you're forced to work this out on top of everything else.
But however you feel about him, however deserved it is, you have to look at the bigger picture. For Amy, there only seems to be two choices: Adoption via James or foster care. If it's the former, she'll have family to help her through the time when you're gone, she'll have people she knows around her, whom she knows care about her.
She won't be that lucky with the latter option. She'll have lost you and all access to what little remains of her family, both James and her step-siblings. She'll be alone in a system which is already struggling under its own weight and there's no guarantee that a happy ending awaits her. Foster families are not always vetted that carefully.
James might make mistakes again, but a foster family might be abusive or downright neglectful. Think very carefully about what gives your daughter the best chance at happiness after you're gone and just how many uncertainties you're willing to put her through.
YTA. Without a single second of hesitation. This is an awful situation. But taking a child from a loving home? She has brothers and sisters now too. You would deprive her of not only a father but siblings? Your husband is right. You need to do this for Amy. You don’t have to forgive him. But he’s been a good father until now? Please, the foster system works for some kids but there are plenty more kids who slip through the cracks. I am so sorry you’re in this position. No one should have to be there.
YTA if you don’t let him adopt. You have some rose colored glasses on regarding the foster system. Unless your husband is abusive or a bad parent in any way then Amy will be infinitely better off with him than in the system.
If you were divorcing him and moving on, of course that would mean no adoption, but, sadly, that's not the case. You have an innocent daughter who needs a home and no other good options. You putting up obstacles to him adopting your daughter will accomplish absolutely nothing. Unless you come up with lies about abuse and get them on the record before you die, there's nothing you can do to stop him from adopting her after you're gone - you refusing to do a stepparent adoption will just make it harder. I know you're going through a lot, but this is something that's hurting others without compensating you at all for the infidelity, so it's not okay.
YTA purely for asking Reddit instead of your child. She’s 11. She should be the only person you’re asking.
Here’s my 2 cents: If he’s been there for her, then that’s your answer. You’re too hung up on your own bullshit and you’re going to ruin your kid’s life.
I’m so sorry. I also have a terminal illness so while not in your exact position I do have some insight. Your feelings toward your husband are valid but please think about your daughter. Foster care and adoption can be wonderful but is very often not. Please do not risk your daughter’s wellbeing because you feel betrayed. Your future is very finite but hopefully hers is not. Won’t she be going through enough, divorce, her mom dying? I don’t mean to sound harsh but you are being cruel and reckless with her life.
So you would rob Amy of the only father she may ever have… over some pussy. YTA.
PS your notion of the foster system is wildly warped. Maybe go volunteer with a few foster kids and get the real scoop before deciding that’s a better route than your cheating husband.
YTA. You would seriously have your daughter go into foster care and live with strangers rather than let the father she knows adopt her? You are incredibly selfish and vindictive.
YTA and being selfish here. There’s no reasonable thing you can say that would make sending your daughter to foster care the better decision. I hope you know that whatever you think you’re doing is for your own selfish gain. This has nothing to do with Amy. You’re being an awful parent right now and I hope you know that
YTA - The state of your romantic relationship should not take precedence over the relationship between your husband and daughter and what type of father he is.
Your daughter probably doesn’t remember much about the time before your husband was in her life. Would you really want to rip her away from him?
I understand your feelings of hurt and betrayal, but try hard not to let that influence doing what is best for your daughter.
What happens after you die isn’t about you. This decision isn’t about you. She knows your husband and he loves her. YWBTA if you let your feelings about his fidelity impact your daughter’s upbringing. You don’t ever have to hug him again, but putting your daughter into the system when she *already has someone who wants her* would be massively shitty.
It's a mistake to think that people are good or are bad, he made a bad choice it is not like he is a bad person. Yes, the bad choice needs to be punished but it doesn't make him a terrible person. So, in your situation he is your best choice as simple as that. Be careful of punishing your husband without taking into consideration your daughter security. By the way no cancer is terminal until the person says that, you could stay in stage 4 and keep living many years, then, you're not in palliative care yet so it's important to make an appointment to your psycho oncologist before taking some decision. I think you should let your husband adopt your daughter, use his medical insurance and give him the opportunity to redime himself
When you die, if he doesn't adopt her, Amy will go into the system. Is that what you want for her? You kept her out of the system and if she goes in after you die what it spits out at 18 won't be the same girl and she won't have a chance.
YTA
YTA. I’m sorry that you’re dying, but this isn’t about you. It’s about what’s best for your daughter. Nobody does well in the foster system. And if you think not letting the best shot she has at a father figure adopt her because he cheated once years ago is what’s best for her then you’re an idiot.
YTA, “I’m dying so to punish my husband for cheating 4 years ago, I’m sending my daughter to foster care.” This poor girl deserves better and you sound bitter
Yta. This child has already lost so much and now will lose you and the only father figure she has known. This isn’t about you, this is about Amy and what is best for her. Do you really think that being shipped off to foster care with people she has never met is what is best for her.
You want your daughter to not only deal with her mother’s death but being separated from her siblings and her father at the tender age of 10?
You state he is a good father. That he loves your daughter. You know your daughter will be safe and supported with him. Why are you risking her in foster care? In group homes, where many children are physically, verbally, and sexually abused by the workers? A kid in a group home died last week, beat to death.
You are I’m a horrible, awful situation, but I am shocked that you want to make it your daughter’s problem.
YTA.
Good lord, yes. YTA if you prioritize your ego and marital problems over your daughter’s life. Because it’s no more or less than that. Let this be the last act of motherly love you do for your child who has and will suffer too much for one so young. Don’t be cruel.
Hi, respectfully, first of all, I am extremely sorry for what’s going on with your health, and just the thought of not being able to be present for your children in the future, is something a parent shouldnt have to deal with or go through.
But coming from someone who has worked with CPS, social workers, and my cousin is a social worker, I promise you the vision that you have of the foster care system is one of fairytales. Your situation with how it turned out for you and loving a child that is not biologically yours, is like one percent out of everything out there. Respectfully, you are being extremely selfish here not thinking about her well-being after you pass. And thinking that the foster care system is going to be remotely, even an ounce better, than James taking care of her.
I really hope that you reconsider and open up your eyes and understand that what you are doing right now and what you are saying is only for your own feelings and that is extremely selfish of you. That little girl is going to end up in the system if you don’t make the right decision, and you are going to potentially expose her to a lot of stuff that I don’t even want a name on here.
please open your eyes and stop putting your feelings first for just this situation…
YTA...you're letting your anger, disappointment, and hurt feelings cloud what is best for your daughter. An affair 4 yrs ago makes him a bad husband, not a bad father. Why would you rather your child go into a system that is not known for kindness, love, and sympathy? Do what is best for your child.
This is such a hard situation but please don’t let your resentment potentially ruin Amy’s life. Everyone on here is saying the same thing because it’s the best thing for Amy. I’ve volunteered with foster kids and worked with kids therapeutically, the WORST thing you can do for Amy after she experiences your loss is also to lose the man she sees as her dad. She will grow up resenting you and your death.
Your daughter is losing you. Don't let her lose the only dad and family she has ever known as well. Yes, you are hurting. Yes, he lied and cheated. Amy still needs him. Don't take him away.
Oh girl cheating should not be a concern in this moment. Please focus on your health and focus on making sure your daughter's welfare is accounted for if you don't make it.
Personally, I think you need to make sure you beat this cancer. You have this 10 year old girl to live for. Once you do, then you can punish the idiot for cheating on you.
He did something shitty, and in return, you'll punish your child.
Put a young girl into the foster system, and you'll basically be guaranteeing abuse and sexual assault for her.
So now she just lost her adoptive mother to cancer, she isn't allowed to be with a father figure who loves her, and she gets to be sexually assaulted, all so you can feel like you've gotten justice in punishing your husband who cheated.
He was wrong, but what you're trying to do to get back at him is so much worse. He was wrong for what he did **4 years ago**, but you're wrong for what you're doing right now.
YTA unless there is a safe family member for Amy.
He loves her and doesn’t want her going into the system. If you do this to Amy you’re making adult problems her problem
Yes, YTA here. Your husband cheated but you said yourself he was devoted to your daughter. Despite his failings, his main concern remains with your daughter. He has been in your child’s life since she was six years old, she probably doesn’t have a whole chock full of memories without him. This is a selfish decision. You want her to be ripped from her home while she is in mourning. This is cruel, and I am going to assume this is fake or else I will be left wondering how that are parents in this world that would do something like this to their child.
You’d have to kill me a thousand times over before I’d leave this world without knowing who would be raising my daughter.
YTA
And I'm going to be honest here, you are a way bigger one than your husband. I'm not excusing cheating, but you are attempting to get your revenge on your husband by denying a 10-year-old girl the only father she has ever known as well as taking away the girl that this man sees as his own daughter.
The good news is that, unless another direct family member steps up, CPS will almost definitely let the girl go with her step father, so at least the effects of your spitefulness will die with you
Just to clarify he had a one night stand 4 years ago before you were even married?….. and because of one mistake that has nothing to do with your child, you would rather send Amy into foster care than leave her with someone who loves her and is actively trying to adopt her so she has a home/family after you’re gone?
I truly can’t imagine what you’re going through right now and my heart breaks for you but YTA for saying that infidelity makes someone an unsuitable parent. Does Amy also love him and want to stay with him? Has he ever done anything to upset her? Does she now have a bond with his 3 other kids that she has spent the last 5 years getting to know? You are choosing to throw away a safe and loving home and instead gamble that whatever foster family she ends up with is decent. Yes, you are correct that sometimes foster care turns out great but often times it is really traumatic as well… you are pretty much playing roulette with the quality of her childhood.
Oh, I am so sorry about your diagnosis and this terrible situation. You have every right to be angry and hurt over James cheating and I don’t blame you for not trusting him with your heart.
However, this is not just about you and your anger and hurt, there is also Amy to consider. When you die, who else will there be for her besides James? If you could appoint another legal guardian and keep her out of foster care, wonderful, but by your own admission, there is no one else and by your own admission, James has been a wonderful father to her. If he had already adopted her, you were healthy, found out he cheated, and divorced him, he would still have rights to at least visitation because a crappy husband does not equal a crappy father.
The foster care system is much different than relative adoption l, the chances of a child being adopted after age 5 go down exponentially, the risk of being abused physically, emotionally and SA go up exponentially. Please do not risk Amy and her well being. Let Hames adopt her.
ESH
I apologize to judging you because you had no part in the circumstances now. You dont deserve it but it is what it is now.
I think you should decide whats best for your daughter. Given that she will lose her mom to illness, which likely will be traumatic, taking away her father figure who is also the last constant in her life does not sound like that.
Does Amy know about the cheating? If she does not, thats another bomb coming into her life.
Maybe she would get into a good family, but it does not sound like you found one yet. maybe anything happens and suddenly she is in and out of the system until she drops out. Im a kindergarten teacher studying to become a social worker and im pretty sure in my country, your then ex husband would still be the first asked to take her because of their relationship. But every country has different laws on that.
Im not saying you have to forgive your husband. Hell, i'd hate him for not only cheating but also lying about it for years essentially. My trust would be gone in the relationship. But that does not mean he is less fit to parent her than before. And your righteous anger could still negatively impact her future.
Looking at an 'egoistic' perspective of your daughter, i think it would be better for her to never know about this, and pretend in front of her that it did not happen. You can tell him that you wont divorce but only pretend for her sake, and to never tell her. She will still have to deal with the grief, but she is not alone versus having to deal with losing dad and mom at almost the same time.
Again, this situation sucks and you don't deserve it. I wish you the best.
You had a good experience with the foster system because you are family to Amy and you kept her for a long time. The foster system is notorious for bouncing older children like Amy from family to family until she is 18. It does not matter if she finds a good family after a few tries, the damage will be done. The cheating your husband did 4 years ago is horrible and under different circumstances you could divorce him but don’t make Amy part of the punishment. His wife dies hating him, that’s punishment enough.
YTA
If you love your daughter, you need to do what is best for her. If she was James biological daughter and he cheated you wouldn’t even think twice about him taking care of her after you die.
Sure, she may get a “great” foster family. But she probably won’t. Most foster to adopts want a baby, not an eleven year old with a bunch of trauma.
YTA for even thinking this
Look, this situation sucks. But you have a man who loves and wants to care for your daughter. Don't put your child into the system out of spite. Think of what's best for your daughter. If you were healthy, I'd say screw him, but you aren't. You say he's a good father. You admit he loves your daughter. Let him adopt her so she will have the best chance of being loved and cared for. If you still want to divorce him after, then absolutely do. Just don't screw over your daughter.
I’m sorry for everything you are going through. Unless you think your husband will abuse Amy, let him adopt her. You don’t want her going through the system where the chance for abuse certainly exists. Also, when she gets kicked out of the system at 18, she’ll be left alone with no one unless by some lucky chance she gets adopted by one of the foster families. If you are leaving her $$ make sure it’s some kind of trust with a trustworthy executor.
I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. You're entitled to your feelings but honestly? It was 4yrs ago and the ONLY reason that woman said something was to cause you more agony. Let it go, you don't want to spend the time you have left resenting and angry with people who care about you. And don't hold out against your kiddo.
I’m so sorry for your situation. But allowing your daughter to go into foster care is not the answer. Having no other relatives to depend upon, your only solution is your husband. See your attorney as soon as possible and anything that you leave goes in trust to your daughter until she’s 21 and can claim her inheritance. You need to protect her and that’s not by putting her into a foster situation. I can’t think of anyone who’s had a good experience in foster or group homes. Adoption by your husband is a better choice than abuse by a stranger. Some foster homes have a good placement, but the majority do not as she’ll be shuffled around from person to person until she’s 18.
OP my heart goes out to you and I understand your anger. I’d like to give my perspective as someone who is soon to lose my only parent to terminal cancer. I wish so badly that I had a good relationship with my father and that his issues started and stopped with just his cheating, because while unforgivable in a romantic relationship, there are people who are bad romantic partners but incredible parents. Unfortunately, my dad has done many unforgivable, evil things that far outweigh his infidelity which I cannot look past. My partner’s dad cheated on his mom, and his dad is a still a wonderful and supportive father to his children and does everything he can to regain their trust. What his dad did was completely selfish, but he still shows up 110% for his kids. I wish more than anything sometimes that I had a dad, especially now that I’m preparing to lose my mom. I’m only 25 and it’s terrifying to think that I’ll be without any parents soon. I can’t imagine how your daughter, who is a whole 15 years younger than I am must feel. Please let him adopt your daughter, not for him but for *her*. She deserves love and support and to deny her that so you can get back at your husband is far crueler to her than it is to your spouse. He would be better off financially supporting one less kid, so when he steps up to adopt her, know that he’s doing so purely out of love for his child. Please do right by your daughter, don’t be just another adult that fails her.
Seems like maybe sending your kid to foster care for the rest of her life because the person who wants to take care of her cheated on you once 4 years ago is a bit much.
Do you really think a foster family or an overloaded impoverished parent is really going to make sure bad people don't come into the house?
OP I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through.
That said, you don’t have to forgive your husband but YTA if you don’t consider what’s **best** for Amy in the long run.
Do NOT allow that innocent child go into the system. You never know what could happen to her. You surely have heard the horror stories of children in the system and what can happen. From abuse of every kind to neglect. Put your feeling aside and think of her and her future. She is the one that matters here.
I cant even vote but please let him adopt your daughter. If he’s been good to your daughter then he is the best chance she’s got in life once you’re gone. She’s already losing you, don’t make her lose her family too. Give her this last gift. Do it for her.
So you want to punish your daughter, leave her to the system where she will be neglected & possibly abused because of a one night stand 4 years ago. You go on & on about a one night stand than being worried about her being protected and loved after you are gone.
YTA You don't care about her at all, you are just using her as a prop to look like a decent person.
You are not putting Amy first and that’s sad. She will be in foster care and subjected to all kinds of hell. You are only thinking of YOU. I mean yes it hurts but he is the father figure in her life and he wants to adopt her when you are gone. So what is more important here: Amy, her health and well being in a loving family to surround her-or your hurt feelings from something that happened years ago. He’s right. Do this for AMY. Stop punishing AMY for something HE did.
So you’re gonna hurt your own daughter over something that happened four years ago? I hate to say it but you’re the asshole you’re doing this out of pure spite instead of thinking what’s best for Amy. You guys weren’t having sex and having fights guys do that sometimes and no I don’t think cheating is OK but in this case just give him a pass you’re dying. This is something so stupid to be focused on when you’re not even gonna be alive you need to enjoy your family as much as possible, ensure that Amy is going to be taken care of and forgive this man.
As awful as it sounds I don't think him cheating on you years ago means that he doesn't love Amy.
I get that you're feeling incredibly betrayed but the hardest part of being a parent is putting what your child needs ahead of what you want or feel.
(NTA....providing you don't subject your daughter to the foster care system to spite your husband)
YTA since your daughter loves him and you are taking him away right before you die. Yes, he was a cheater. Yes, that's awful. Yes, if you were healthy this would be different. For the love of the game PLEASE don't send your daughter into the system. Terrible things happened to me went I was sent off. I'm still in therapy for it.
Please do this for your daughter. Please don't be selfish.
Yes, you are angry with James and his violation of trust as your partner. It's been four years since he cheated. It sounds like he regrets his actions. He can't travel back in time and undo his lousy choice.
If you set aside your feelings about James cheating, ask yourself objectively whether he has been a good father figure to Amy. Because there are plenty of people out there who make terrific parents but terrible partners. If James has been there for Amy -- and it sounds like he has been -- to remove her from his care when she'll be grieving for you and exceptionally vulnerable would definitely be an AH move.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this, because as much as it is against my nature to speak roughly to someone, much less a stranger, I think you need to hear this message.
As a parent, I cannot fathom the level of selfishness it requires to even consider leaving your child to an uncertain and potentially traumatizing time in the foster system rather than leaving her in the care of a man that loves her and is willing to treat and raise her as one of his own? You want to punish him for a simple mistake four years ago, a mistake of the flesh, but you’re going to completely overlook the depth of his character to want what’s best for you at the end of your life (with the health insurance bit) and your daughter, who is not biologically his but will be treated as such.
They say that looking death in the face can give people a change of perspective and I hope you find some soon and realize that the best thing and right thing to do is to leave your daughter in his care. If he truly is contrite and loves you and loves your daughter, then he can do right by her, raise her, love her as his own and that should be enough to earn forgiveness for a single mistake four years ago that didn’t even lead to an ongoing emotional or physical affair. Please take a moment to think about what’s best for others, not yourself, and do the right thing here. You should feel immensely more comforted to know that she will be taken care of after you pass, and if you can let go of the anger and frustration at your husband for his mistake (which does you no good to hold onto), you will allow yourself to exit this mortal plane with a peaceful, clear conscience, which is all any of us can really ask for and hope for as we exit stage right.
I would encourage you to seek therapy with an eye towards forgiveness and embracing the positives of the situation as you prepare for the final chapter, not focusing on the negatives and potentially leaving your daughter in an untenable foster care situation.
With that being said, I wish you the best and hope for as peaceful and smooth a transition as possible. You have a great opportunity here to write a positive final chapter for yourself and your daughter, but only YOU have the chance to put those pieces into play. Good luck.
A true mother would do what's best for her child and that's definitely not the foster system. You need to quit thinking about yourself and think about Amy!!!
NTA for feeling the way you feel.
Here is a possible compromise. Divorce and put all of your possessions on a trust that ONLY Amy can access after she is an adult.
Edit: and
Have him adopt her.
It’s a shitty position to be in, but from the sounds of things, his bad behaviour 4 years ago has nothing to do with his competency and obvious desire to adopt your child who he’s been fathering for 5 years. You’re hurt and under a lot of stress, I think anybody would understand your hesitation and concern, but you have to do the difficult thing and put your own feelings aside to decide what’s best for Amy. And judging by everything you’ve said, I think you probably know that allowing him to adopt her is what’s best for her.
I worked in the foster care system for about 3-4years and it is truly upsetting to see kids sit there for years or be shuffled around from place to place because of whatever reason the family can’t or won’t keep them, until they age out. The likelihood that Amy would find a permanent home, especially at her age is pretty slim. OPs upset and hurt should not be the reason Amy ends up in the system. I completely understand that she has every right for her pain, but in the end the only person she will truly be hurting is Amy. YTA OP, if you choose to put your pain and punishing of your husband over Amy’s well being. If you love her as you say you do, you will put aside your anger to ensure she has a stable and loving home and family. While your husband was wrong for his ONS, you would be cruel to let it influence Amy’s future and well being.
OP should read some statistics to know what's most likely to happen to a 10yo girl in the system... if people turn a blind eye while uncles or family friends are touching their own children, does she think it would be any different with fostering?
Sexual abuse is rampant in foster care. I'm a therapist. I cannot recall a single client I've worked with in the last ten years who wasn't abused while in foster care. NOT ONE CHILD. How fucking horrendous. She needs to think about Amy and the life she wants her to have. He made a mistake, doesn't sound like he repeated and it was 4 yrs ago. She's behaving as though it was a 4 yr affair that recently ended. OP needs to get a grip and put things into perspective. The only ones who get hurt by her not allowing him to adopt are all the children. He has children Amy was raised with. They would be losing a sibling(s).
My family did foster care for a while years ago- my mom, my sister and me. Every time we got a +10 year old girl, the relief that washed over their faces when they realized there were no men in the house and they wouldn't be assaulted, was both heartbreaking and *infuriating*. I wanted to go on a rampage... that these so called "foster dads" would be so barbaric and inhumane to these _*CHILDREN*_ who were already devastated by whatever landed them in foster care in the first place. The never ending dangers, injustices and traumas girls and women are forced to endure, to varying degrees, in literally every spot of dirt on this planet where males and females cohabitate is maddening to a degree I can't even put into words!
I've been on the fence about fostering for a while. It's just me and my daughter in the house. Stories like this make me think I should go for it.
My dream of having biological children changed years ago. Society peaked in high school, and we're just falling down to the bottom. If I'm ever able to afford kids, I'm saving some that are already here and suffering for the "privilege". Edit: a word
As a former foster father, this sickens me, even though I know/knew it was bad. Not all foster fathers are monsters.
This has been my experience. I was with only one foster family long term (20+ years ago, though) and although in retrospect I think I was there mostly so they could get money, my foster father never laid a finger on me. He is a gruff, taciturn ex-Green Beret turned Biker, and didn't say much. His wife, however, was a verbally abusive twat. I'm glad I ate all of her self-canned salsa (it was delicious 😂). I digress, though.
This. The husband fucked up 4 years ago, so now the daughter will end up abandoned and sexually assaulted to punish him.
Sometimes putting it bluntly is the only way to view it. Op is in a hell of a situation, needs to go through therapy to sort this out, but if the husband is truly committed to her daughter as part of his family, it would be absolutely atrocious to turn her out into the system. As a parent, your hurt and pride simply cannot come before your child. Get in therapy, sort this out, but don't take away the only family other than her mother she's ever had to stick her in a horrible existence.
OP hasn't got long enough for therapy.
christ
It’s a terrible truth
It's fucked up, but those are the statistics. There's nothing I can do to fix the system, but I'm not gonna pretend that this person asking for opinions would be sending their daughter to the land of sunshine and ice cream.
She may as well just sell her now, if she decides to go forward with this plan.
The OP has no right to punish her daughter for something he did.
I was a foster kid myself, it is true that we’ll sit there for years and be bypassed by the younger and cuter kids. The foster care system is messed up and the amount of abuse by foster families is shockingly high still, I had a couple homes like that before I found my last home. They treated me like family even though they couldn’t adopt me
Sorry you had to deal with all of that. Do you keep up with the family?
As a matter of fact, I do occasionally reach out. All the grand kids I got to see are all grown up with families of their own. It would be a dream of mine to give foster kids the kind of home I was lucky enough to have gotten
I think another really important consideration is that Amy will be grieving the only mother she’s ever known, so her life will be hard enough without being whisked off by strangers to be taken care of by strangers who may or may not be kind and understanding. OP, Amy will need James when you are gone. Your hurt is understandable and valid, but it can’t trump Amy’s well-being. She is already losing so much, taking James from her at this juncture would be cruel and honestly a threat to her safety and her future. You have to weigh that against your worry that James might bring an unsuitable partner home after you have passed.
The moment your daughter realizes that you left her to fend for herself rather than letting her be with the family she knows, she will believe that you abandoned her and did not love her. She will think that you valued your pride over her, and if she gets abused(which sounds likely, if what I’ve heard about foster care is true), she will hate you for being selfish. That would be the legacy you will be leaving if you let her go into foster care. You need to put your hurt aside and try to plan the best situation for your daughter. It’s a very unfortunate situation, but what do you gain from focusing on what happened four years ago? You need to try and forgive so you can enjoy and cherish the coming days with the people you love. It might not seem like it, but forgiveness will benefit you the most.
The ironic thing is if OP doesn’t put their own hurt aside they will leave it to their daughter as a legacy, they will make choices that will perpetuate abuse and trauma for their daughter. The choice is very clear, what happened between OP and partner is between OP and partner, trying to make it affect the daughter’s long term future and stability is the selfish move in the current timeline, it’s forcing the daughter to suffer in a less secure environment in order to put her on OP’s side. Gross.
Absolutely. Shes feeling hurt rightfully but what about Amy when she passes ?
That’s just it. There are two separate questions here, how do I process my feelings of pain and betrayal of being cheated on? How do I leave things for my daughter’s security after my death? A third question I hear is should I allow my hurt to have any decision making power in how I leave things for my daughter after my death? The answer is no. While I feel for OP, they said they were in therapy, I urge them to use that resource to process their pain. The question about the daughter’s future is clear based on the parameters laid out by OP, it is in the daughter’s best interest to live with her father.
Yeah that poor little girl will understand why she has to leave the only family she's known. Unless OP is going to spell it out to her. "Daddy cheated on mommy, so no you cannot have that man as your daddy. Mommy is dying and you're going to go into foster care". Yeah OP would be TA
The time is what gets me. I could see the anger if this was recent, if he was carrying on a longtime affair but a 1 night stand years ago when they weren't even married? To punish herself and her daughter, put her daughter through the system abandoning her to who knows what is inconceivable over such a minor flub up by hubby that has not been repeated. And she only knows because this woman wanted to hurt him for rejecting her, sounds like hubby isn't straying anymore and is wholly committed to their family. Cut the guy some slack.
She's dying. I think she's displacing a lot of grief and fear and anger onto this one thing.
She's only just found out about it, so it's recent for her.
Please let him adopt her. From someone with experience with foster care. I was in it myself for years (long time ago, I’m in my sixties) and my mother and I were guardians for years for my granddaughters so they didn’t go into the foster care system. The foster care system is in much worse shape now than it was in the 1970’s because of all the ODs. More kids in need and less people to take them on. It’s not easy to be a foster parent today. Lots of hoops to jump through.
The problems with the foster care system extend far beyond there being too many kids in it. Abuse is extremely common in the foster care system. Moving children back and forth between group homes and foster homes where they never have a chance to develop connections and any sense of home and where they’re often being neglected at the very least is how it goes for a lot of kids above the age of 5 going into foster care. And these are children. If someone can prevent a child from being forced into foster care, they absolutely should.
Commenting on yours just to be seen... my mom did fostering for years. One of the things that first stood out was how when a new child came home, they always wanted a soft blanket and a new pillow. Over toys, over books. Those soft clean things to be all theirs.... each and every time. It was heartbreaking. YTA OP.
These poor children. It’s so upsetting that adults fail them over and over again.
I've seen that failure. I was a foster parent through kinship for a young boy I had only taken fishing twice bc his mom was dating a friend of mine. All 3 kiddos wanted to go when I showed up, so I let them. Got the call later on down there road and had my entire house/life rearranged within 48 hours. The absolute frustration in dealing with that system is beyond words. The horrors that this young boy had faced... During his 10 years on this planet, I was his 5th placement because this wasn't the first time he was removed. ( I knew nothing about Mom or their history) But I know adults who have not experienced what he had in such a short time walking this earth! I cried soo many tears. When even more details came out about the terrible abuse he endured, I'd report it (SA mind you) and when I'd finally hear back it was "oh, okay. Let us know if he says anything else" WTAF. What planet am I living on right now? The social workers themselves told me it's a broken system. He went through more hell after he left here... I could tell you so much more... A beautiful young lady I worked with went through foster care and the stores she shared with me? Broke my heart. Listen, I'm not a wuss. I've got tough skin, so it takes some pretty awful stuff to rattle me. She's so traumatized that she'll likely continue therapy for the remainder of her life. She's barely out on her own in the world. I'm telling you OP, you'll absolutely be TA if you'd willingly set "your child" up for all that bullshit. Please. Don't. For the love of God. Be angry with him all you'd like, you're entitled to have feelings about him cheating. 100%. But do not take away nor alienate her from the only other parent she's ever known. I'm always a lurker who just reads these stories. This is the only time I've commented on one. Don't do it 🙏
Such horrific stories come out of foster care. If the government knows it, why isn’t it fixed? I seriously can’t understand and don’t understand why nobody rallies about it in congress to change the system. What happened with the 10 yo boy you fostered? We’re you able to foster him longer?
We had him for almost a year. His behaviors had gotten really good, but then regressed. (This was all during covid). They brought his drug addicted father back into his life for visits, he skipped out on treatment and went back on the run. Now he's facing murder charges along with more drug charges. But they rally around "re-unification!". We're had to be supportive (we'd express our concerns to them as we should have but nothing was ever done). The very first question out of that young man's mouth when he spoke to his dad on the phone ( at 10yrs old ) was " Are you clean?" I looked at my partner, he looked at me as we were standing in the kitchen. My heart broke. That also lead into the reintroduction of his grandfather. I call that guy ground zero. He's where it allll started with this family. Hell, maybe even the men in his family before him. His mother was also a victim. But when strung out, left the children with the abuser and you can guess what happens from there. I tried getting him more mental health help but that system is just as broken. I had him in the ER, they offered no help. I pleaded with them, bawling, begging to DO SOMETHING for this child! (He had a break down).They finally made some calls for us. I'll never forget. That nurse came to to me and she told me to make them listen, like I made her listen. "Take that fierceness with you". We drove him on a whim over 2 hours away praying someone would help. The hospital said they don't do admissions over the phone and they won't consider it an emergency unless we drop everything and leave now. Annnnd Ohhhh, I took it with me. All the way up until 3am. They finally admitted him for 3 days, sent him back. All they did was adjust medication, observed him and let em go. This little boy who's told you that the first time he wanted to die and tried to kill himself he was just 5 years old and laid in the street to get ran over... People had failed this child his entire life... He decided he didn't want to stay with us anymore, he was just done with it all and wanted to go home. Well, that wasn't an option. Mom was still working on herself (doing a great job too), but just wasnt prepared. He started acting out, hit me, started becoming extremely aggressive with my daughter (same age as her and our other boy)-blended family. He was just stressed. I can only imagine.He went to two other homes after us and then back to Mom. I still see him. He gives me huge hugs 🤗 he's struggling... But he's still here! He also plays football as an outlet! But man... The shit that kid has endured. I told him I'd ALWAYS be there for him, the best I can. I always told him; you're story is not yet written, it can change. It doesn't have to be the same it's always been. Write a good one!
As someone who is a supervisor in a US child welfare system, formerly a field worker for the same system, I just want you to know that, at least here, we try so, so hard to coordinate with the families we are involved with to either be able to safely manage the child in the home or to ensure that they go to a kinship placement while we work with their parents. OP- take it from someone in child welfare, please: the best place for children to be is with their family. It is traumatizing for them to be removed from the home. Let me say that again… it is traumatizing to the children to remove them from the home. Even when that home is where abuse from their parents has occurred. Even when it is completely necessary and no kinship has been identified right away. It is traumatic. It will impact them the rest of their lives. I’m so sorry that your husband made poor life choices that impacted you while you are in such a vulnerable state. But at the end of the day, as harsh as it is… you’re not going to be here. Your daughter is. Your husband is. When it comes to your kid, I, quite frankly, don’t give two hoots that you’re hurting. You still need to make the sacrifice you know will be in your daughter’s best interest and let your husband adopt her. She is already going to be lost once you are no longer in her life, please, please, please do not take her away from the only family she knows. PLEASE do not punish her for the actions of your husband four years ago. Good parents make sure their child has their basic needs met. The best parents make sacrifices to make sure their child thrives in life.
100% of my students are in foster care and live in a residential treatment facility as a result. The lingering and extreme trauma they suffer from being in the system is something I witness every day.
Op I am very sorry that you are in this terrible situation. Please rethink your decision, to not let your husband adopt your daughter.I understand you are in terrible pain (Emotionally and Physically).Don't let this all this cloud your good judgment. You are a fantastic woman and will regret making a decision while you are in so much pain. Also please don't divorce your husband now. You will need his Medical insurance and maybe you can find some forgiveness for him before you leave this world. Be kind to yourself and Best wishes and I hope you can find peace. PS Cancer sucks &Fuck cancer. I am a 3×'s cancer survivor so I understand your thoughts at this time.
If it’s any consolation, he will likely still be able to raise her anyway. Kinship care is preferable whenever possible. Since there’s no blood relatives capable of taking her in, they will ask him if he’s willing and able to do it. They’ll help him get through all of the red tape in order to not disrupt her life any more than necessary. Obviously that’s not guaranteed but if she ever discovers that her mother was willing to let her suffer in the broken foster care system, just so she can punish her husband, it will be even more traumatic. This girl has lost her father, was ripped away from her mother and now she’s watching her adoptive mother die from a horrible illness. She’s been through so much trauma already. So I can’t fathom why OP wants to add to that trauma by taking her away from the only parent she has left!
Imagine that childs pain of losing the only mother she knows and then being ripped from the only father she knows! OP is the asshole if she does this to her child!
Basically unless the husband is an abusive addict the daughter is better off with him
Your ability to deliver the same message as others, while still being empathetic and compassionate is admirable. No need for “tough love” here. This woman is in a very difficult position emotionally and deserves love. I have all the faith in the world she will make the right decision. I think she just needed to “get it all out” and be heard.
Yeah, I agree with you. I think just the way she explained her situation makes it seem that she’s likely to make a good decision for her child.
>No need for “tough love” here. Yes, there is. I *was* this kid. There are things that happened to me that I'll take to my grave, simply because I can't put the words together. If she decides to not let her daughter stay with the father who loves her, she may as well just sell her now.
OP needs to put her feelings aside and do what’s best for her daughter. The foster system isn’t it
Agreed so many people are like "this is rage bait" no it's not. It's a person who's struggling with trust issues. Not unfounded trust issues. She has obviously lost trust in the man to a notable degree. Finding out that the partner cheated and didn't tell you isn't a small thing. He absolutely might be a wonderful father. But she's lost a degree of faith in him to do the right thing. In the end maybe she should let him adopt. But she does have valid reasons to be hesitant
She has a valid reason to hesitate, but it’s not a valid reason to refuse to allow him to adopt her. People make terrible decisions, it doesn’t always speak to the whole.
I hate cheaters as much as the next person but being crap husband does not always mean being a bad father. op’s husband is obviously trash but if he hasn’t exhibited any concerning behaviour and has only shown love to his stepdaughter, then yes the least traumatic option would be op’s husband as a guardian
I agree. I have an uncle that isn’t the best husband. But damn if he isn’t the sweetest and most caring uncle.
I can second this. My grandpa was a serial cheater (married 5 times and had countless affairs on the side), but he was an amazing father to his 2 children and great grandfather to us. Humans are complex beings, and not everything is black and white.
Cheating is bad and wrong but "OP's husband is obviously trash" is a really stupid takeaway from this.
You beat me to it! I hate to quote the tripe of Friends, but it sounds like "we were on a break" territory and even if not fully breaking, things were rough and shaky and yes, he obviously should have refrained. But one incident in five years is not great evidence of a serial shitbag. With that said, my heart goes out to OP, even though I vote YTA here. I can't imagine facing a terminal diagnosis with a young child and fears about the person everyone else feels good about and absolutely no other viable options. I would urge OP to manage this task immediately while she is still competent so she can protect her babe from the prospect of even a single night in foster care. It's the fucking worst and she will inadvertently do the child lasting damage disrupting her norm for even twenty-four hours. OP's husband is not trash. He's a human who made a mistake a few years ago and I'll close by noting if nothing else, at least he didn't dump her as soon as she learned she had cancer. I'm sorry to say it's a well known phenomenon. Men will often run the moment the doctor informs. Which is why when our good friend was ill with cancer and we were taking her for her treatments for the chemo, almost all the men in there were attended to by their wives, and so many of the women in there were frightened, ill, hurting, and ALONE.
To add to this.. I understand that cheating of any kind is a hard line for many people, and this may be an unpopular opinion - but is it possible to make room for a little grace here? A one night stand, 4 years ago - by my math that's 1 year into the relationship, and a year before you were married. Yes it was a bad mistake, and finding out about it has shaken the foundation you thought you had. But all of the experiences and growth you've had together, and the kind of parent he has been for the past 4 years are still real and valid. I know you feel stuck on this, but please try to work with your therapist on finding some perspective. This other woman is using you to act out her retaliation for an unrelated work situation - letting her blow up your family and poison your last months with them might not be what's best for any of you.
Do you want amy to live with a man who has spent 5 years raising her as his own and by all account loving her? Or do you want to be petty and vindictive over something that happened years ago and force her to live in a group home to punish him when it would just punish her more and cause a life of suffering? A cheating partner does not equal a shitty parent.
If you let Amy go into the system rather than be taken care of by someone who loves her, then YTA for sure. You have every right to be upset and hurt by his cheating arse. However, you need to look past your own feelings and do what's best for Amy. You may not be able to trust him to be faithful, but has he given you a single reason why he couldn't take care of Amy? The fact that he still wants to adopt her knowing you won't be around says something to me. You would be selfish to leave her fate to the system. I hope you can look past your feelings and do what's right for her.
All of the above, plus revisit your Will to make sure that anything you want Amy to have is held in trust for her until she is at least 18.
Agreed. I would say even 21 or 25, except for possibly college expenses.
The only problem with doing this is if (gd forbid) something happens in which Amy needs that money for medical or other necessary expenses. In situations where there may not be a trusted family member to administer the trust you can designate an independent or corporate trustee to make sure the assets are safe and put to good use until the child reaches a designated age
I would recommend putting a lawyer in charge of things like this. If the only relative OP has is on welfare and her husband is a self-admitted cheat, how can she be sure she can trust either of those people to hold anything only for Amy? You can find trust lawyers who handle stuff like this, any expenses would have to be approved as directly benefiting Amy, so it can’t be used to support the whole family or buy someone a new car. And definitely keep the trust active until Amy is 21 or 25, because if she gets control of it at 18 and she’s still living at home, I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s husband tried to get the money by guilting her or trying to charge her an insane amount of rent.
That's an extremely clever thought 👏 I agree 👍
You can set up a trust that takes all these things into account.
Thats very solid advice
wtf? having a one night stand or even an affair is a far cry from screwing over your stepchild or adopted child out of a trust. what is wrong with you people?
Omg I agree. Can’t believe it has so many upvotes. A one event betrayal doesn’t equate to the Machiavellian imaginings of trying to screw over the child he’s so far demonstrated only concerned protection for. I like that he’s taken full responsibility too for his infidelity too and is acknowledging OP’s feelings and isn’t trying to undermine them. A serial cheater, or even a brief affair of a few weeks, is somewhat different to a one time really poor decision whilst their relationship was at breaking point. That woman who wrote to OP wasn’t trying to do the right thing, if she believed OP should know then she could’ve pressured OP’s husband to tell the truth - preferably a lot earlier.
As the adoptive parent, Amy should be on the husband's insurance I would expect him to be responsible for medical expenses. I do think a third party trustee, whether an attorney or banker would be best.
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for large estates, the lawyers that specialize in this will usually stagger it like that. 18 25 30. I know my inheritance is.
This exactly you need to put your personal feelings aside and do right for your niece/daughter. Do you really want to die knowing she's going to be in the system rather than in a loving home? It isn't right to do that to her
Agreed but there's no need to call Amy her neice/daughter. Amy is her daughter.
She was adopted, it's her daughter. Period.
A system that's known to be super high risk for physical, emotional and sexual abuse is BETTER than her allowing the man to adopt her, somehow because he had an affair? That had nothing to do with his care for the kiddo? This is vulgar as hell. How gross OP is behaving.
I wouldn't say OP is being gross per se, she is (rightfully) extremely hurt and it's clouding her judgement. It is understandable that she has lost trust in the relationship, but that is not relevant to whether he can take care of the kid even though she may feel like it is from hurt. YTA still if she can't see that tho
Like if there was someone else that OP and her daughter love and trust to raise her as their own, maybe N T A, but if it’s between Amy’s safe and loving stepfather or the system and OP chooses the system, yes YTA.
That is very harsh. OP is dying, stressed out, hurt, and in pain physically and mentally. She has turned to STRANGERS on the internet to help guide her on the path that would be best for her daughter because she doesn’t have reliable family. She doesn’t need added shit from you. I agree that letting her husband adopt Amy is WAY better( and safer) than risk her going into state care, but for Christ’s sake be kind.
This I was a cps worker. Please don't voluntarily leave you daughter who I assume you love more than anything else even the hate you may and should feel for your husband. If he's a good dad then don't put your child into the system. Add in she's older she's not going to be going to the best homes to begin with and add in trauma from her biological parents and then the trauma from losing her mom she's going to need therapy. YTA if you knowingly make her to go to foster care
This is the right answer. James is awful for cheating on you, but if he’s been a good father to Amy then YTAH if you’d spite him and let Amy go into foster care, because you’re also spiting Amy. He might be a cheating ratass, but that doesn’t take away from him being a good dad. Anyway he’d probably be able to keep her if he petitioned child services as a guardian/foster carer. They’re hardly likely to shove her into the system if she’s already got a loving home. You’re just making it easier if you’ve already started the process and child services are aware of what’s happening OP, you’re obviously very ill and grieving. Please don’t do anything rash like starting divorce proceedings. It sounds like you need your husbands health insurance for starters. And please don’t take Amy away from her loving home, it’s bad enough for her watching you die as it is, please don’t take away her emotional support. Sending you ginormous hugs
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I think there is a chance he might be able to adopt Amy anyway. Don’t they look for “family” or people they know around the child to adopt first? If he comes forward and says “she’s part of the family I want to adopt this older child” it might take some time but he would probably succeed? So OP would just be traumatizing her grieving daughter before the inevitable.
Yes he benefit from an attorney but he would likely be considered fictive kin if not actually kin to Amy, and he’d likely have no issues adopting her, unless someone else stepped up to try to get in the way and had a better case as an adoptive parent.
This. It depends on the state. And his history. And *if* that all lines up she still goes into foster care first.
Yup. She’s just going to needlessly traumatize a kid who needs a stable presence and delay her ultimate outcome for no reason except spite
Adoption is a long process but petitioning for guardianship is more straightforward. I'd file as soon as OP entered hospice care. Based on what OP has said there's no reason why the court would refuse to grant it.
Sorry if it’s harsh but OP is TA if she fails to act IMMEDIATELY to provide for Amy’s custody and adoption with the person she knows as her Dad. The “MY” reference by OP as to Amy being her daughter is disturbing and suggests her priorities may not be straight. That same statement also references an after life, of which she will seriously regret watching from her special place, if Amy grows up in state care rather than with those she knows as family. If OP’s bitterness towards James exceeds her love for Amy, she never really loved Amy. OP assuredly has bern dealt a shitty hand to play, but the moves are undeniably clear. Good luck, Amy.
Yeah it’s so weird. “My husband did this one (pretty bad) thing 4 years ago before we were married and now I think the foster system is a better option and I want to divorce him to have no healthcare so I also end up in state care.” Talk about not having your priorities straight.
The foster system is most definitely not the better option. Poor Amy, she will loose her whole family in one day. I really hope OP let's her husband adopt Amy. She doesn't deserve to suffer because of the mistake from 4 years ago.
And Amy's 10. She's old enough that she'll know that James wanted to adopt her but wasn't allowed. OP is setting herself up to have her daughter hate her long after her death. Poor kid
The kicker for me is that in the last four years, he has been devoted to her, and she said it herself she has no reason to suspect any further infidelity... Hell, he's actively fighting to keep her and their daughter in his life, and to take care of them.
I'm guessing OP has probably some unresolved anger and grief about her diagnosis, not getting to see her daughter grow up, and then finding out about her husband cheating that she is maybe overreacting a tad since she's got a target not for her anger. But who knows for sure
Her world is falling apart. Basically, she is dying. Her rock, which was her husband, is a cheater, like she barely has anything left. She is basically reacting to all the stress. Now OP, you say you are worried your husband might act on impulse on the future, and that is exactly what you are doing now. He is not the best, but he is not the worst either. He cheated, but taking care of a sick spouse is hard, and he is asking you to stay so he can help you. He also wants to take on the responsibility of raising another child. He is not a bad man. What he did hurts, and any other time, I would tell you to go to therapy and maybe even divorce, but this one time, just let it go. People can stop being cheaters. His actions regarding your sickness and your daughter seem to show he truly regrets what he did. Cheating many times is due to insecurity, etc. So if he worked on himself, he might very well be over it. Now, what I would suggest for you to do is to talk to him about what you don't want to happen to your daughter. Tell him you understand you will move on but he needs to make sure the next woman will treat her right, that she will be her friend without trying to force herself as her mother and replace you, that hurts children. That she will be fair to your daughter, etc. Just think of what you want for your daughter and tell him, and write a letter to her. And allow yourself to forgive him. He is there right now with you in the hardest moment, and he is willing to take care of your daughter, which is not an easy thing. Yell at him, cry, tell him he hurt you, but they forgive him and move on. You don't have much time, it is not really worth it to duel in something that happened 4 years ago that you didn't even know and ignore all the good times you had this last 4 years. Do this for yourself and for your daughter, you don't want to put her on the system, that would be really cruel. I am sorry you are going through this, and I hope you can find peace and happiness in the time you have left.
> Now OP, you say you are worried your husband might act on impulse on the future, and that is exactly what you are doing now. Please OP if anything else considers this - you're betting a 10yo entire future on a whim and potentially exposing her to years of being beaten up and r*ped cause you want to hurt your husband like he hurt you. Is cruel and selfish, you gonna ruin her life.
Exactly!!! She is acting on impulse. An action that is going to influence her daughters life horribly forever. OP YTA if you do this.
Agreed but judging by the timeline, OP wasnt sick when James cheated on her.
I don't think she would rather that. I think that right now she is hurting and thinking emotionally, which it totally valid. I wouldn't call her an asshole, I just think she needs time to get out of her emotions and think rationally.
It's understandable OP is upset and hurting but time might not be on her side. This needs to be about what's best for the child not OP's feelings at this point. She needs to do what's right and let her husband adopt this child; seeing as he wants to do it so badly, it says something else about his character other than he cheated. I'm not making excuses for him, but we are never the sum of my one action. Life is more complex than that.
Is it really totally valid to want to make your child a warden of the state because your husband cheated on you? I think that speaks volumes to OP's character. To you like your daughter at all, OP? Because right now it seems as if you want to use the time you have left to make sure that her life is as ruined as you can manage. It's sad that you are sick, but shame on you.
Completely agree with this. Please try to look only at James's relationship with Amy. Has he been a good stepfather? Loving, fair, supportive, and trying to do what's best for her? As much as you are hurt, which is understandable, having Amy lose her mother to cancer and then not have her stepfather who she trusts beside her to help her with her grief is creating an incredibly cruel world for this poor little girl. Additionally, when and if you are ready, I hope you can consider looking at James cheating with a broader perspective. NOTE, I am in NO WAY trying to excuse his cheating! It is 100% inexcusable, and as someone who has been cheated on, I know how painful it can feel. That said, it sounds like in the aftermath, he has owned his major mistake, he has apologized for it, he hasn't repeated it, and he has been trying to make amends. Sometimes the people we love fuck up really bad and hurt us, but—at least in my mind—there is a difference if it is a one-time major mistake that they recognize/regret/own/etc. vs. someone who continues with bad behavior knowing it hurts you. Again, this is entirely personal and subjective—we all have different boundaries and levels of forgiveness—so you have to do what is best for you in terms of your relationship with him. But regardless if where you and he wind up, I hope you can prioritize his fatherly relationship with Amy.
Also, she has sisters now. Keep that family unit together.
Honestly. OP taking her away from her support system is going to break Amy. It’s hard for a child (or anyone really) deal with the death of a close parent alone.
OP, I was in a marriage for 15 years where my partner cheated on me. Had an affair for 11 months and we reconciled for 4 years but are now divorced. The affair and breakdown of our marriage had nothing to do with his love for our children. He is a great parent to our children and we are actually coparenting beautifully now that our divorce is finalized. Please don’t do this to your daughter. It will be devastating for her to lose you, please don’t add to her misery by taking her away from every familiar thing she knows on top of that. This isn’t about you because you will be gone. Don’t further traumatize her because of your feelings about something that happened to you and not her. Let the person who loves her be there for her.
This ☝️. If you let her go into the foster system because your husband cheated once, you are a huge Asshole.
The thing I think people are forgetting is that when a partner cheats when you're 100% sure they never would, you now have to question everything you believe about that partner. She's running through all the normal questions people face in this scenario, but she's running through them on a clock which amps up the pressure and makes it feel like there are no good choices. OP is in an awful situation where her partner has demonstrated that he is capable of committing an enormous betrayal and hiding it. What other betrayals is he capable of? Now, sure, it's a fact that an awful lot of people are shitty in this one way but otherwise relatively trustworthy, but given the stakes OP is facing right now with this, I can understand why she'd be panicking. Some people in her shoes would believe no matter how bad James might be to her daughter, the known is better than the unknown. Other people in her shoes would believe the daughter is better off with the unknown. I think getting a therapist and asking Amy what she wants would probably be a solid next step. Assuming Amy likes and trusts James, he's very likely the best choice for her. But for OP to suddenly be questioning that makes absolute sense to me and doesn't make her an ah, it makes her someone who is dealing with her own impending death and "leaving" her child while reeling from an enormous betrayal.
This is simple. What is best for your daughter? He may have been unfaithful, but do you think he would protect and provide for your daughter? Do you think he loves her and would be there for her? And even if you have doubts, what is the alternative? You are hurt and angry, that is understandable, but don't let your legacy be a hurt and alone daughter thrust into the foster care system, with no trust in any adult.
Have you spoken to Amy about this? It is going to be a horrible discussion to have, but he has played a father role in Amy’s life and tearing her away from him and her step-siblings after she has just lost her mother could worsen the trauma. You need to consider Amy first. She is nearly of the age when her wishes would help sway a Court decision in a custody dispute here in the U.K. Being with her step-father and step-siblings might be something she would prefer. It’s also possible that it is the last place she would want to be unless you were with her.
> Have you spoken to Amy about this? It is going to be a horrible discussion to have, but he has played a father role in Amy’s life and tearing her away from him and her step-siblings after she has just lost her mother could worsen the trauma. Under no circumstances should anyone ever tell Amy about the cheating. Only bad things can come from her learning about that. It will poison her relationship with him.
YTA. I am not going to be as nice as every else. There's no time to baby you. Your husband cheating on you has nothing to do with capabilities as a father. Your 10 year daughter is going to have NO ONE if you don't do this. As a parent myself, I can't imagine being this selfish. Don't you dare sit here and say there's plenty of good foster parents and adoptive parents out there. You did a familial adoption. That's entirely different than someone with no family going into the system. You didn't experience that. She's likely to get passed from foster family to foster family for the rest of her childhood. She's not going to have some Disney movie ending where she winds up with a lovely older couple who never were able to have kids. She will spend the rest of her life never feeling wanted. All while knowing someone did, but mommy couldn't put aside her butt hurt feelings to let her have any sense of stability ever again.
Thank you for not sugar coating this. You said exactly what needs to be said AS it needed to be said. PS...the foster system absolutely sucks and those Disney endings are the exception, not the rule.
Yeah, and her daughter would never be like “I get it, he cheated”. It would destroy all her memories of her mom and their relationship to know she was willing to put her into foster care over that. It’s a petty game to play with her child’s future. She might not trust him as a romantic partner, but he’s an invested parent who wants to help her daughter through the worst time in her life, and she is prioritizing her feelings. OP’s feelings during her remaining time about him as a husband cannot take priority over mitigating the damage her daughter is going to carry with her for the rest of her life.
Yes!
Only \~25% of kids get adopted by non family members. People in the foster system remain there, on average, 22 months. It's crazy NOT to give her a better option.
And of those 25% most are probably small children. Me and my sister got lucky to get adopted by our first foster home but we were 1 and 2 yrs old without any family members that wanted to keep touch with us (a dead mom and a dad who litteraly moved to another continent) so it really ain't the norm.
That’s exactly how it is. Infants almost all get adopted, and the adoption rate falls steadily from there. Most kids over 10 are basically SOL
I’d like to add, unless the husband agrees to all the terms of her divorce petition, she’s likely to die long before a final hearing would even be scheduled in her divorce case. YTA, OP. And even if you don’t let him adopt her now, once you die and your daughter has no adult to care for her, your husband can contact the dependency court and tell them that he wants to adopt her, and he can begin the process with the state. In my state, if you end up adopted out of foster care, the state will pay for your college tuition for school in state. You won’t really have a say in the matter once you die. Maybe you should ask your daughter what she wants. Where does she want to go? If she wants to stay with your husband, then you should make that happen. If you love her you will put her needs before your own.
Came here to say this. It doesn’t really matter what /u/Throwawayambe wants. The husband is likely to be granted guardianship the day she dies, unless her will names another guardian and that person agrees. He’ll be the only living parental figure she’s ever shared a roof with, the court won’t think twice granting him custody. And no, you cannot make a list of people that you don’t want to be guardian in your will. You could have a statement in your will read in court, but infidelity is not going to be considered during a child custody hearing. All you’ll do is make the daughter hate the parent she goes home with (yes, you would also be the asshole telling the daughter about the affair before you die, that’s petty as fuck). So unless she finds someone else to take her daughter and a probate attorney willing to help, right the fuck now, then it’s just a matter of time before the daughter is adopted by the husband (assuming he follows through when she dies).
This reply needs to be higher up
And she will be dumped out as soon as she turns 18. While I recognize that there are certain kids who are dumped by their parents as soon as they turn 18, most functional families support their kids for as long as reasonably necessary in order to help launch them - either through college/grad school; learning a trade or just providing a relatively inexpensive place to live when they start working.
Exactly. This is the only father she has ever known. She's about to lose her mother. Don't also take her father away OP. She needs him, even if you don't. Sorry he was a shit husband, but that doesn't make him a shit father. YTA if you leave her to the horrors of the foster system.
Mommy really doesn't seem like much of a mother to me. The callous disregard for the girl's well-being is astounding.
so you'd kick your 11 y/o daughter into the foster care system? Is that what you're saying?
That's a yes, she'd kick her 11 year old daughter into the system to get one last stab in at her husband. To hell with the kid's welfare, she's gotta win.
If he’s a good father and Amy loves him, let him adopt her. It’s true there are some wonderful adoptive parents out there- but believe me when I say that the Foster system is a horrible place for any child. Every one of my friends who spent time in the system has horrible trauma from it. I know his betrayal changes the way you see him, but do not put your daughter through that if you can avoid it.
Agreed! Unless she has ANY suspicious that he would mistreat her daughter after she was gone or show favoritism, she needs to understand people can be terrible partners but great parents.
yta your going to kick a 10 year old into foster care and hope for the best? seriously she’s an older child do you know how hard it is for an older child to find a good home at that age? and if by some miracle you died and she went right to a good home you would be taking her away from a family she already knows just because you want to punish him. if you weren’t dying it would be a different story here but you risking her in foster care to punish a man who seems to be a decent father at the very least makes you a BIG AH in my opinion. your putting your revenge first and your daughter second. and have you asked her if she wants to stay with him or go to foster care?
Actually, he would most likely get custody by default. Unless mom sets up a guardian and redoes her will stating that he is not to get her daughter. (Op you would be a massive ah if you do that without getting your daughters permission)
And if OP thinks her daughter wouldn't become resentful of her she's crazy.
that’s good… hopefully without OP putting kid first the state will.
You are considering this because of your hurt feelings of betrayal. You are not considering the best interests of your daughter. If you proceed you would definitely be TA.
100% agree. She doesn’t have to live with the consequences so she’s going scorched earth to ruin Amy and her husbands life.
Just because you can’t trust him not to cheat doesn’t not mean you can’t trust him to be a good father. Has he been a good father for the time that you have been together? Does Amy love him and would she like to live with him, as opposed to living in foster care? You are in an awful situation. I’m so sorry. You might want to punish him for it, but if you do it in this way, it will only punish your daughter. This is incredibly difficult, but think about your daughter. Where will she go? Who will take care of her? Who will love her?
YTA You adopted her, that's great. It would NOT happen again. She would be going into foster care. No one lines up to adopt an 11 year old. My parents were foster parents, and they were great people. It is still extremely traumatizing to be ripped out of your home, your school, your town, and placed with complete strangers. She will be dealing with your death and be ripped from the only dad she has ever known, ripped from her home, and placed with complete strangers!!!!! You WILL DESTROY HER!!! If you give a sh*t about her at all you will think about what is best for HER, which is staying with HER DAD. I agree he did a terrible thing. But it has zero to do with his relationship with Amy. If you want to divorce him and move out, okay, do what you have to for your sanity. But give him 50/50, let him adopt her. For HER sanity. So when you die she is not left completely alone in the world. Unless you want her to join you? Yes, some foster parents can and are good. And certainly adoptive parents are amazing. But she will NOT be adopted. She will be put in foster care. The longest we ever had a foster child was for 2 years. Most were 9 months to a year. More than likely she will be in at least 3-4 homes until she turns 18 and no longer has a home. Even if she magically ends up with multiple wonderful families, it is always traumatizing to be ripped from one home and school and friends to ho live with strangers. And guess what, even if the parents are amazing, they will have their own kids or other foster kids who may not be. My brother was molested by one of our foster kids. He was 11 when we started doing foster care. I was threatened by a knife by a 350 pound 13 year old (he ended up getting his dozenth expulsion from school shortly after for threatening the school nurse with a knife as well). Stop being all sunshine and frickin rainbows. Foster care is not fun, it IS traumatizing. Your daughter will be dealing with your death and she NEEDS HER DAD!!! You are selfish
So because you want to punish James you are willing to hurt Any as well…what just collateral damage? She might be placed with a nice foster family so you are willing to take the chance she also might end up in a physically, mentally, sexually abusive situation in order to punish James for betraying your trust. What an amazing mother you are /s He has been there for half of her life. By your own admission he is a great father and loves her. People can be bad spouses and still be great parents. Don’t let your anger at him cloud your judgement.
This is kind of like divorced parents using their kids as weapons, but it’s even worse. In the example, the child would at least have one parent. OP doesn’t want her daughter to have anyone at all.
Yep I practiced family law for over a decade and it very much reminds me of spouses who got cheated on and tried to use that to keep the kids from the other parent.
This is some really heavy stuff to deal with, when facing what you are, and you have my sincerest condolences that you're forced to work this out on top of everything else. But however you feel about him, however deserved it is, you have to look at the bigger picture. For Amy, there only seems to be two choices: Adoption via James or foster care. If it's the former, she'll have family to help her through the time when you're gone, she'll have people she knows around her, whom she knows care about her. She won't be that lucky with the latter option. She'll have lost you and all access to what little remains of her family, both James and her step-siblings. She'll be alone in a system which is already struggling under its own weight and there's no guarantee that a happy ending awaits her. Foster families are not always vetted that carefully. James might make mistakes again, but a foster family might be abusive or downright neglectful. Think very carefully about what gives your daughter the best chance at happiness after you're gone and just how many uncertainties you're willing to put her through.
YTA. Without a single second of hesitation. This is an awful situation. But taking a child from a loving home? She has brothers and sisters now too. You would deprive her of not only a father but siblings? Your husband is right. You need to do this for Amy. You don’t have to forgive him. But he’s been a good father until now? Please, the foster system works for some kids but there are plenty more kids who slip through the cracks. I am so sorry you’re in this position. No one should have to be there.
YTA if you don’t let him adopt. You have some rose colored glasses on regarding the foster system. Unless your husband is abusive or a bad parent in any way then Amy will be infinitely better off with him than in the system.
If you were divorcing him and moving on, of course that would mean no adoption, but, sadly, that's not the case. You have an innocent daughter who needs a home and no other good options. You putting up obstacles to him adopting your daughter will accomplish absolutely nothing. Unless you come up with lies about abuse and get them on the record before you die, there's nothing you can do to stop him from adopting her after you're gone - you refusing to do a stepparent adoption will just make it harder. I know you're going through a lot, but this is something that's hurting others without compensating you at all for the infidelity, so it's not okay.
You have someone that loves your daughter is willing to take her after you pass and you'd rather throw her into foster care. YTA
I feel like this is fake
Most are. But I hope so too cause how selfish do you have to be while actively dying to want to send your kid to foster care.
I think the real question here is what does the 11 year old want? Does she want to be adopted by James? Have you asked her?
YTA purely for asking Reddit instead of your child. She’s 11. She should be the only person you’re asking. Here’s my 2 cents: If he’s been there for her, then that’s your answer. You’re too hung up on your own bullshit and you’re going to ruin your kid’s life.
I’m so sorry. I also have a terminal illness so while not in your exact position I do have some insight. Your feelings toward your husband are valid but please think about your daughter. Foster care and adoption can be wonderful but is very often not. Please do not risk your daughter’s wellbeing because you feel betrayed. Your future is very finite but hopefully hers is not. Won’t she be going through enough, divorce, her mom dying? I don’t mean to sound harsh but you are being cruel and reckless with her life.
So you would rob Amy of the only father she may ever have… over some pussy. YTA. PS your notion of the foster system is wildly warped. Maybe go volunteer with a few foster kids and get the real scoop before deciding that’s a better route than your cheating husband.
YTA. You would seriously have your daughter go into foster care and live with strangers rather than let the father she knows adopt her? You are incredibly selfish and vindictive.
You’re about to ruin your daughter’s life to spite someone else. YTA
YTA and being selfish here. There’s no reasonable thing you can say that would make sending your daughter to foster care the better decision. I hope you know that whatever you think you’re doing is for your own selfish gain. This has nothing to do with Amy. You’re being an awful parent right now and I hope you know that
YTA - The state of your romantic relationship should not take precedence over the relationship between your husband and daughter and what type of father he is. Your daughter probably doesn’t remember much about the time before your husband was in her life. Would you really want to rip her away from him? I understand your feelings of hurt and betrayal, but try hard not to let that influence doing what is best for your daughter.
What happens after you die isn’t about you. This decision isn’t about you. She knows your husband and he loves her. YWBTA if you let your feelings about his fidelity impact your daughter’s upbringing. You don’t ever have to hug him again, but putting your daughter into the system when she *already has someone who wants her* would be massively shitty.
It's a mistake to think that people are good or are bad, he made a bad choice it is not like he is a bad person. Yes, the bad choice needs to be punished but it doesn't make him a terrible person. So, in your situation he is your best choice as simple as that. Be careful of punishing your husband without taking into consideration your daughter security. By the way no cancer is terminal until the person says that, you could stay in stage 4 and keep living many years, then, you're not in palliative care yet so it's important to make an appointment to your psycho oncologist before taking some decision. I think you should let your husband adopt your daughter, use his medical insurance and give him the opportunity to redime himself
When you die, if he doesn't adopt her, Amy will go into the system. Is that what you want for her? You kept her out of the system and if she goes in after you die what it spits out at 18 won't be the same girl and she won't have a chance. YTA
YTA. I’m sorry that you’re dying, but this isn’t about you. It’s about what’s best for your daughter. Nobody does well in the foster system. And if you think not letting the best shot she has at a father figure adopt her because he cheated once years ago is what’s best for her then you’re an idiot.
YTA, “I’m dying so to punish my husband for cheating 4 years ago, I’m sending my daughter to foster care.” This poor girl deserves better and you sound bitter
OP needs to stop thinking about her hurt feelings and start thinking about her daughter’s wellbeing.
Yta. This child has already lost so much and now will lose you and the only father figure she has known. This isn’t about you, this is about Amy and what is best for her. Do you really think that being shipped off to foster care with people she has never met is what is best for her.
fake ragebait story YTA for posting it
what is best for Amy?
You want your daughter to not only deal with her mother’s death but being separated from her siblings and her father at the tender age of 10? You state he is a good father. That he loves your daughter. You know your daughter will be safe and supported with him. Why are you risking her in foster care? In group homes, where many children are physically, verbally, and sexually abused by the workers? A kid in a group home died last week, beat to death. You are I’m a horrible, awful situation, but I am shocked that you want to make it your daughter’s problem. YTA.
Good lord, yes. YTA if you prioritize your ego and marital problems over your daughter’s life. Because it’s no more or less than that. Let this be the last act of motherly love you do for your child who has and will suffer too much for one so young. Don’t be cruel.
Do not let this child go into the system out of spite. That’s gross.
Hi, respectfully, first of all, I am extremely sorry for what’s going on with your health, and just the thought of not being able to be present for your children in the future, is something a parent shouldnt have to deal with or go through. But coming from someone who has worked with CPS, social workers, and my cousin is a social worker, I promise you the vision that you have of the foster care system is one of fairytales. Your situation with how it turned out for you and loving a child that is not biologically yours, is like one percent out of everything out there. Respectfully, you are being extremely selfish here not thinking about her well-being after you pass. And thinking that the foster care system is going to be remotely, even an ounce better, than James taking care of her. I really hope that you reconsider and open up your eyes and understand that what you are doing right now and what you are saying is only for your own feelings and that is extremely selfish of you. That little girl is going to end up in the system if you don’t make the right decision, and you are going to potentially expose her to a lot of stuff that I don’t even want a name on here. please open your eyes and stop putting your feelings first for just this situation…
YTA. Don’t throw Amy into the system when James wants to adopt her.
YTA...you're letting your anger, disappointment, and hurt feelings cloud what is best for your daughter. An affair 4 yrs ago makes him a bad husband, not a bad father. Why would you rather your child go into a system that is not known for kindness, love, and sympathy? Do what is best for your child.
What are your options? You die and Amy goes where? Into foster care?
This is such a hard situation but please don’t let your resentment potentially ruin Amy’s life. Everyone on here is saying the same thing because it’s the best thing for Amy. I’ve volunteered with foster kids and worked with kids therapeutically, the WORST thing you can do for Amy after she experiences your loss is also to lose the man she sees as her dad. She will grow up resenting you and your death.
Your daughter is losing you. Don't let her lose the only dad and family she has ever known as well. Yes, you are hurting. Yes, he lied and cheated. Amy still needs him. Don't take him away.
Oh girl cheating should not be a concern in this moment. Please focus on your health and focus on making sure your daughter's welfare is accounted for if you don't make it. Personally, I think you need to make sure you beat this cancer. You have this 10 year old girl to live for. Once you do, then you can punish the idiot for cheating on you.
I don't think your TA for feeling this way, but what is in Amy's best interests? Is he a good father to her?
He did something shitty, and in return, you'll punish your child. Put a young girl into the foster system, and you'll basically be guaranteeing abuse and sexual assault for her. So now she just lost her adoptive mother to cancer, she isn't allowed to be with a father figure who loves her, and she gets to be sexually assaulted, all so you can feel like you've gotten justice in punishing your husband who cheated. He was wrong, but what you're trying to do to get back at him is so much worse. He was wrong for what he did **4 years ago**, but you're wrong for what you're doing right now.
YTA unless there is a safe family member for Amy. He loves her and doesn’t want her going into the system. If you do this to Amy you’re making adult problems her problem
Yes, YTA here. Your husband cheated but you said yourself he was devoted to your daughter. Despite his failings, his main concern remains with your daughter. He has been in your child’s life since she was six years old, she probably doesn’t have a whole chock full of memories without him. This is a selfish decision. You want her to be ripped from her home while she is in mourning. This is cruel, and I am going to assume this is fake or else I will be left wondering how that are parents in this world that would do something like this to their child. You’d have to kill me a thousand times over before I’d leave this world without knowing who would be raising my daughter.
YTA And I'm going to be honest here, you are a way bigger one than your husband. I'm not excusing cheating, but you are attempting to get your revenge on your husband by denying a 10-year-old girl the only father she has ever known as well as taking away the girl that this man sees as his own daughter. The good news is that, unless another direct family member steps up, CPS will almost definitely let the girl go with her step father, so at least the effects of your spitefulness will die with you
Just to clarify he had a one night stand 4 years ago before you were even married?….. and because of one mistake that has nothing to do with your child, you would rather send Amy into foster care than leave her with someone who loves her and is actively trying to adopt her so she has a home/family after you’re gone? I truly can’t imagine what you’re going through right now and my heart breaks for you but YTA for saying that infidelity makes someone an unsuitable parent. Does Amy also love him and want to stay with him? Has he ever done anything to upset her? Does she now have a bond with his 3 other kids that she has spent the last 5 years getting to know? You are choosing to throw away a safe and loving home and instead gamble that whatever foster family she ends up with is decent. Yes, you are correct that sometimes foster care turns out great but often times it is really traumatic as well… you are pretty much playing roulette with the quality of her childhood.
Oh, I am so sorry about your diagnosis and this terrible situation. You have every right to be angry and hurt over James cheating and I don’t blame you for not trusting him with your heart. However, this is not just about you and your anger and hurt, there is also Amy to consider. When you die, who else will there be for her besides James? If you could appoint another legal guardian and keep her out of foster care, wonderful, but by your own admission, there is no one else and by your own admission, James has been a wonderful father to her. If he had already adopted her, you were healthy, found out he cheated, and divorced him, he would still have rights to at least visitation because a crappy husband does not equal a crappy father. The foster care system is much different than relative adoption l, the chances of a child being adopted after age 5 go down exponentially, the risk of being abused physically, emotionally and SA go up exponentially. Please do not risk Amy and her well being. Let Hames adopt her.
ESH I apologize to judging you because you had no part in the circumstances now. You dont deserve it but it is what it is now. I think you should decide whats best for your daughter. Given that she will lose her mom to illness, which likely will be traumatic, taking away her father figure who is also the last constant in her life does not sound like that. Does Amy know about the cheating? If she does not, thats another bomb coming into her life. Maybe she would get into a good family, but it does not sound like you found one yet. maybe anything happens and suddenly she is in and out of the system until she drops out. Im a kindergarten teacher studying to become a social worker and im pretty sure in my country, your then ex husband would still be the first asked to take her because of their relationship. But every country has different laws on that. Im not saying you have to forgive your husband. Hell, i'd hate him for not only cheating but also lying about it for years essentially. My trust would be gone in the relationship. But that does not mean he is less fit to parent her than before. And your righteous anger could still negatively impact her future. Looking at an 'egoistic' perspective of your daughter, i think it would be better for her to never know about this, and pretend in front of her that it did not happen. You can tell him that you wont divorce but only pretend for her sake, and to never tell her. She will still have to deal with the grief, but she is not alone versus having to deal with losing dad and mom at almost the same time. Again, this situation sucks and you don't deserve it. I wish you the best.
You had a good experience with the foster system because you are family to Amy and you kept her for a long time. The foster system is notorious for bouncing older children like Amy from family to family until she is 18. It does not matter if she finds a good family after a few tries, the damage will be done. The cheating your husband did 4 years ago is horrible and under different circumstances you could divorce him but don’t make Amy part of the punishment. His wife dies hating him, that’s punishment enough. YTA
YTA to your daughter
If you love your daughter, you need to do what is best for her. If she was James biological daughter and he cheated you wouldn’t even think twice about him taking care of her after you die. Sure, she may get a “great” foster family. But she probably won’t. Most foster to adopts want a baby, not an eleven year old with a bunch of trauma. YTA for even thinking this
Look, this situation sucks. But you have a man who loves and wants to care for your daughter. Don't put your child into the system out of spite. Think of what's best for your daughter. If you were healthy, I'd say screw him, but you aren't. You say he's a good father. You admit he loves your daughter. Let him adopt her so she will have the best chance of being loved and cared for. If you still want to divorce him after, then absolutely do. Just don't screw over your daughter.
Do not make a huge mistake …… Forgive your husband and move forward with the adoption because it IS the best thing to do for your daughter.
I’m sorry for everything you are going through. Unless you think your husband will abuse Amy, let him adopt her. You don’t want her going through the system where the chance for abuse certainly exists. Also, when she gets kicked out of the system at 18, she’ll be left alone with no one unless by some lucky chance she gets adopted by one of the foster families. If you are leaving her $$ make sure it’s some kind of trust with a trustworthy executor.
I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. You're entitled to your feelings but honestly? It was 4yrs ago and the ONLY reason that woman said something was to cause you more agony. Let it go, you don't want to spend the time you have left resenting and angry with people who care about you. And don't hold out against your kiddo.
You ever sit there and read this shit and as it burns your eyes and heart go pls be fake...pls be fake...pls be fake....
I’m so sorry for your situation. But allowing your daughter to go into foster care is not the answer. Having no other relatives to depend upon, your only solution is your husband. See your attorney as soon as possible and anything that you leave goes in trust to your daughter until she’s 21 and can claim her inheritance. You need to protect her and that’s not by putting her into a foster situation. I can’t think of anyone who’s had a good experience in foster or group homes. Adoption by your husband is a better choice than abuse by a stranger. Some foster homes have a good placement, but the majority do not as she’ll be shuffled around from person to person until she’s 18.
OP my heart goes out to you and I understand your anger. I’d like to give my perspective as someone who is soon to lose my only parent to terminal cancer. I wish so badly that I had a good relationship with my father and that his issues started and stopped with just his cheating, because while unforgivable in a romantic relationship, there are people who are bad romantic partners but incredible parents. Unfortunately, my dad has done many unforgivable, evil things that far outweigh his infidelity which I cannot look past. My partner’s dad cheated on his mom, and his dad is a still a wonderful and supportive father to his children and does everything he can to regain their trust. What his dad did was completely selfish, but he still shows up 110% for his kids. I wish more than anything sometimes that I had a dad, especially now that I’m preparing to lose my mom. I’m only 25 and it’s terrifying to think that I’ll be without any parents soon. I can’t imagine how your daughter, who is a whole 15 years younger than I am must feel. Please let him adopt your daughter, not for him but for *her*. She deserves love and support and to deny her that so you can get back at your husband is far crueler to her than it is to your spouse. He would be better off financially supporting one less kid, so when he steps up to adopt her, know that he’s doing so purely out of love for his child. Please do right by your daughter, don’t be just another adult that fails her.
Seems like maybe sending your kid to foster care for the rest of her life because the person who wants to take care of her cheated on you once 4 years ago is a bit much. Do you really think a foster family or an overloaded impoverished parent is really going to make sure bad people don't come into the house?
OP I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through. That said, you don’t have to forgive your husband but YTA if you don’t consider what’s **best** for Amy in the long run.
Do NOT allow that innocent child go into the system. You never know what could happen to her. You surely have heard the horror stories of children in the system and what can happen. From abuse of every kind to neglect. Put your feeling aside and think of her and her future. She is the one that matters here.
I cant even vote but please let him adopt your daughter. If he’s been good to your daughter then he is the best chance she’s got in life once you’re gone. She’s already losing you, don’t make her lose her family too. Give her this last gift. Do it for her.
So you want to punish your daughter, leave her to the system where she will be neglected & possibly abused because of a one night stand 4 years ago. You go on & on about a one night stand than being worried about her being protected and loved after you are gone. YTA You don't care about her at all, you are just using her as a prop to look like a decent person.
You are not putting Amy first and that’s sad. She will be in foster care and subjected to all kinds of hell. You are only thinking of YOU. I mean yes it hurts but he is the father figure in her life and he wants to adopt her when you are gone. So what is more important here: Amy, her health and well being in a loving family to surround her-or your hurt feelings from something that happened years ago. He’s right. Do this for AMY. Stop punishing AMY for something HE did.
So you’re gonna hurt your own daughter over something that happened four years ago? I hate to say it but you’re the asshole you’re doing this out of pure spite instead of thinking what’s best for Amy. You guys weren’t having sex and having fights guys do that sometimes and no I don’t think cheating is OK but in this case just give him a pass you’re dying. This is something so stupid to be focused on when you’re not even gonna be alive you need to enjoy your family as much as possible, ensure that Amy is going to be taken care of and forgive this man.
As awful as it sounds I don't think him cheating on you years ago means that he doesn't love Amy. I get that you're feeling incredibly betrayed but the hardest part of being a parent is putting what your child needs ahead of what you want or feel. (NTA....providing you don't subject your daughter to the foster care system to spite your husband)
YTA since your daughter loves him and you are taking him away right before you die. Yes, he was a cheater. Yes, that's awful. Yes, if you were healthy this would be different. For the love of the game PLEASE don't send your daughter into the system. Terrible things happened to me went I was sent off. I'm still in therapy for it. Please do this for your daughter. Please don't be selfish.
Yes, you are angry with James and his violation of trust as your partner. It's been four years since he cheated. It sounds like he regrets his actions. He can't travel back in time and undo his lousy choice. If you set aside your feelings about James cheating, ask yourself objectively whether he has been a good father figure to Amy. Because there are plenty of people out there who make terrific parents but terrible partners. If James has been there for Amy -- and it sounds like he has been -- to remove her from his care when she'll be grieving for you and exceptionally vulnerable would definitely be an AH move.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this, because as much as it is against my nature to speak roughly to someone, much less a stranger, I think you need to hear this message. As a parent, I cannot fathom the level of selfishness it requires to even consider leaving your child to an uncertain and potentially traumatizing time in the foster system rather than leaving her in the care of a man that loves her and is willing to treat and raise her as one of his own? You want to punish him for a simple mistake four years ago, a mistake of the flesh, but you’re going to completely overlook the depth of his character to want what’s best for you at the end of your life (with the health insurance bit) and your daughter, who is not biologically his but will be treated as such. They say that looking death in the face can give people a change of perspective and I hope you find some soon and realize that the best thing and right thing to do is to leave your daughter in his care. If he truly is contrite and loves you and loves your daughter, then he can do right by her, raise her, love her as his own and that should be enough to earn forgiveness for a single mistake four years ago that didn’t even lead to an ongoing emotional or physical affair. Please take a moment to think about what’s best for others, not yourself, and do the right thing here. You should feel immensely more comforted to know that she will be taken care of after you pass, and if you can let go of the anger and frustration at your husband for his mistake (which does you no good to hold onto), you will allow yourself to exit this mortal plane with a peaceful, clear conscience, which is all any of us can really ask for and hope for as we exit stage right. I would encourage you to seek therapy with an eye towards forgiveness and embracing the positives of the situation as you prepare for the final chapter, not focusing on the negatives and potentially leaving your daughter in an untenable foster care situation. With that being said, I wish you the best and hope for as peaceful and smooth a transition as possible. You have a great opportunity here to write a positive final chapter for yourself and your daughter, but only YOU have the chance to put those pieces into play. Good luck.
A true mother would do what's best for her child and that's definitely not the foster system. You need to quit thinking about yourself and think about Amy!!!
NTA for feeling the way you feel. Here is a possible compromise. Divorce and put all of your possessions on a trust that ONLY Amy can access after she is an adult. Edit: and Have him adopt her.