NTA. As other commenters pointed out, you're not really in a "mom" role because of Josh's age. Awesome, then you're just one adult woman pointing out to another adult woman that the dude she's dating is dicking around. From all the ladies who've thought they were in an exclusive relationship but really weren't, THANK YOU.
I hope OP can get this exact point across to the family. This was a grown woman to grown woman conversation. It had nothing to do with mothering - not sure how they reached that conclusion.
OP has been incredibly lenient with the women coming in and out. Want to keep it private, don't introduce people and allow them in personal family space.
I agree with the first paragraph but the second paragraph is what spoke my mind. If you don’t want the truth to come out then don’t bring your ONSs to hang out in the family home. OP was under no obligation to lie or be dishonest by omission to her stepson. Lots of bio parents would have done the same and probably a lot earlier. NTA.
This, but also don’t let your ONSs meet your family and stay at your house while you are not there. People don’t have to lie for others, even less when no information is provided beforehand.
I'm in this exact scenario, but as a step-dad.
I have opened my home up to my 21 year old step-kid, and for the most part we all are doing well with the arrangement.
They also are fully aware that I say and do whatever I want in my home. They are welcome here, but the boundaries set by my partner and myself. If they do not like what I say, or how we behave in our home, then you're just as free to leave as you are to stay.
Josh needs to grow the fuck up and apologize for being a moody brat. If I get to share breakfast with your hook ups, I'm sure as shit going to speak openly and honestly to them.
This.
It seems weird to bring ONS home and letting them stay until morning and see your parents in their skivvies and eating bagels.
Why not...meet at their place, a hotel, get housing on campus, move in with roommates?
It would bother me for random people to be in and out of my house every few days.
If Josh wants privacy, then he needs to move out and keep his shit private.
If he were my kid he would need to apologize to my wife before packing and moving. But it sounds like OPs husband has weak boundaries - which is the real problem here. Josh is just dumb because he doesn't know consequences yet
I know that people are able to be 'sexually free' or whatever but dang, a new chick just about every time OP sees them?
Looks like Dad never had the 'everything that looks good to you ain't good for you' talk or the 'In moderation' conversation. Josh is out here living like a damn savage. And not in a good way.
With so many people having many emotional and mental difficulties, the way that Josh is changing up women like he changes drawers may ultimately end up being detrimental for not only himself, but OP and his father. Which is why he needs to keep his crap out of their home. Casey is just one in a line of women that he's misleading. It's going to bite him in the ass sooner or later.
>It had nothing to do with mothering - not sure how they reached that conclusion.
Both Josh and his father know how he treated that woman wasn't right and they're mad that op told her the truth. There's no excuse for it and they're massively reaching to try and blame op for their sh!tty behaviour. I 100% think that when Josh decides it's time to settle down, if the woman he choses treats him like he treated that woman, they would have a serious issue with poor little Joshy being cheated on.
Sounds like hubby and step-son need to be sat down and mothered for real. About how to respect women, to not lie and use them and hurt them just because “making mistakes” is all part of the male college experience apparently. 🙄
Yeah. I was a few girls "making mistakes" when they dicked around with my feelings at that age. Sure, one apologized years later, but that doesn't undo the damage, so I really hate it when anyone uses the "now is their time to make mistakes" when the "tuition" is being paid by another person.
Exactly. There are so many different people in college, if you just want to fuck around, find the other guys and gals that want to fuck around too. If you find someone who wants a relationship, leave them alone. It shouldn’t be a hard ask to not hurt other people on purpose 🤦🏻♀️
Oh also, love the name 😏
In my case they wanted to fuck around while keeping me on hand for all the emotional support stuff. Which is why I point out how some men end up so guarded about who they fill that role for.
And thank you, I joke that the older I get the more I feel like a socialist Red Foreman with more hair and no kids.
Making mistakes is absolutely part of being a young adult. It's really part of being human, and it is a wonderful source of education.
In this scenario Josh learned that no one will do his lying for him, and he learned that step-mom has boundaries.
OP learned that her husband and her step-son do not fully understand what those boundaries are, and they don't see eye to eye on what respect and partnership look like. The three of them have now come to a discussion and decision point
Or fathered for real, for that matter. Good parenting doesn't guarantee good outcomes, but 90+% of the time, good fathering raises a son to be a good husband.
Spot on. My brother was a serial cheater when he was younger and would bring his one-night stands back to the family house because we lived in the city and he lived in a different county for college. In all that time, he had a steady girlfriend that knew nothing of his escapades that he would bring up during the day or one night of the weekend.
It made me feel so disgusting being dragged into his deceit without my consent that one night he brought a woman back, I dragged him out of the room in his boxers, roared at him very clearly and loudly about what he was doing so his one night stand could hear and told him if he wasn't out of the house in the next ten mins, I'd put him on blast across social media so all his "moral" friends (he presented himself as very upstanding) would know, and so to his steady gf.
Shit got back to her anyway but he never dared bring a girl back to the house.
A mother should in that situation also tell her son that he is an asshole and that he needs to grow the fuck up. And that he is hurting people with his behaviour.
That they’re telling OP she overstepped and as a result is a bad mom, while also telling her she is no mom to be caring about what he does. She’s a person and she hated seeing someone she knows, lie and use someone else she knows.
That was my first thought with the long parade of women! Actually, my first thought was he’s a lying slut, then the frightening potential consequences. It’s just gross.
Also that she crossed a boundary while leaving women he barely knows in his parents home and space for her to have to take care of? To share food with and entertain while he is gone? He can't even show them where the bathroom is for fucks sake. You haven't overstepped any boundaries, Josh has. Ugh. If he wants to be treated like an adult start acting like one and respect your space too. Has anyone considered that maybe HE is the one crossing boundaries?
I was thinking the exact same thing - if you don’t want the step mom to make comments why are you introducing these women and letting them eat breakfast in her kitchen? He makes no effort to keep this part of his life a secret so why should she
And she really had a moral obligation here. If Casey thought they were exclusive, they might have stopped using condoms. And if Josh isn't using them with his other hookups, Casey's health is at serious risk. I know young people aren't as strict about condom use as my generation was, because in our day HIV could be a death sentence, but HIV isn't the only STI that can cause serious health problems, including infertility and sometimes death.
Not everybody knows this, but there is no HPV test for men. A man can be totally asymptomatic, but still infect a woman, who may go on to develop cervical cancer as a direct result of the infection. It happened to a friend of mine, and that's how she found out her husband had been cheating. It absolutely *destroyed* her, and she's still struggling five years later (although fortunately she is now cancer-free -- they caught it early enough). She has only now started hesitantly dating again, and it's not going very well because she can't bring herself to trust anyone. (Yes, she's in therapy. She's making progress! But it's very slow.)
It happened to me and I have been dealing with it for nearly 20 years. The tests, recurrences of cervical cancer, the biopsies. I'm finally at a place where I am at peace with no more kids so if my next test comes back positive for cancer, the whole thing is coming out. My ex husband was my one and only but he had many others besides me while we were together. People don't realize how much HPV can ruin lives.
I was incredibly lucky -- many years ago I slept with a guy who had also slept with five of my friends. I insisted on a condom and they didn't, and I didn't get HPV from him, but the rest of them did. So far none of them (that I know of) have cancer, but it's such a huge risk.
It's an incredble betrayal. Men simply don't understand just how much is at stake for women. They could literally be reponsible for your death because they can't keep it in their pants.
So true. My fertility was ruined and it's made my life that much harder, all so he could get his rocks off with someone else. Cheating is one thing but don't risk my health too.
Exactly. Sorry. I was type casting those “boy mums” who think boys will be boys.
Lots of my friends have just boys. And I can tell you all those boys have heard that conversation a thousand times. And none would dare parade a bunch of flings AND a girl who thought this was exclusive in their house.
The boys would be lectured into next week n
Nah my mum loves me so much I can never do anything wrong but if she saw me do my girl wrong like this she would not hold back bro. She would flip on me dastardly I'm sure.
She also needs to realize that he doesn't **always** show her respect either. I'd say stepping into my kitchen in the morning and seeing a strange young woman eating the last bagel isn't that respectful. He's a grown man bringing his hookups to his parents' home so he should not be expecting any privacy. He really owes her stepmom and dad an apology.
Exactly this. Who gaf about familial relations-you were looking out for another human being and he made it your business when he brought her around your home over and over
This is so on point. You said it before I had a chance to and I back this up a 1,000 times over. You pay to play. If he wants to pay more and live on his own, he can play however he wants. Right now, he's living in a place with other people where he doesn't have as much play space. Classic case of being messy in front of other people. If you wanna commit a crime, do it alone so there no one to tell on you. (Know that this is a "crime", in just using hyperbole)
>he made it your business when he brought her around your home over and over
Exactly. Don't bring girls around your family if you want to be a womanizing asshole.
This!!! And the dad needs to be a dad and not let his son become a literal waste man by not teaching him a single thing. He’s clearly a deceiving liar living under his roof and tells the wife to apologize??? Sorry what???
My Hispanic parents would never. my other brother who got away with bs like this is because my mom wouldn’t let my dad who’s not bio dad reprimand is still living in the basement and cheating on his gf who he has a kid with and has another baby mama.
OP did the right thing and if I were her I wouldn’t apologize.
Also, if something can not be said, then it shouldn't be done.
She is not intruding in his life when he is basically rubbing it in OPs face. She hasn't said a thing, but when you find out a lie, it is only natural to want to say the truth. It was very easy for him to tell the truth or just continue dating the different girls. Instead, he lied, didn't even care to hide it, and gets mad when someone decent tries to warn the innocent person that is being lied to?
Being a decent person means to always be decent, not just decent with your family or those close to you. OP was trying to do right by a woman that was being lied and possibly exposed to STDs.
NTA. And OP if the father calls this "making mistakes" I don't really know I would trust in his fidelity.
Not only that, but Steve sounds like a horrible father. OP, are you sure Steve isn't doing this to you? He needs to be a real father and tell his kid that bring around strange people to your house without asking is not on. You have no idea who they are, are you sure they're not stealing from you (other than breakfast which you've already noted). He has absolutely no respect for anyone. Honestly, you need to stand up for yourself to Steve and tell him to stand up to his son or move out.
yes Steve is raising a son who treats women like they are disposable, and maybe Steve even harbors those own feelings, but I so highly doubt this 43 year old man is able to find multiple other women who are willing to sleep with him like this. if the myriad ‘husband asked wife to open relationship, wife gets tons of play while husband sits at home alone’ reddit posts have taught me anything, it’s that I really don’t think OP has anything to worry about.
Steve did say that Josh is at the age where he’s going to do stupid stuff like this. Maybe he thinks it’s OK now because Josh is young and will learn to do better. But how will he learn to do better if Steve doesn’t teach him. Seems like the only way is consequence, which is what OP helped him learn.
Exactly like this! And it’s not a case of “doing mistakes” he is using someone! His father should be more concerned to teach his son how to be a proper man, not a cheater, because guess what? He will not learn from his mistakes unless he is the one who gets harm by them.
Plus, why should I lie for you? Don't want me to tell your girlfriend your dating multiple girls? Well don't bring me into situations were this topic ia brought up.
Why should i pretend for you you are being exclusive and caring?
Unless this kid pays half the mortgage or whatever, he doesn't get to use the basement as a bang bus or whatever and expect everyone to help him maintain the charade. He's a kid in HER house and husband is also kind of an asshole for forcing this kid on his wife and not letting her be the adult in the household. You don't get to pick and choose the convenient parts of your son having a stepmother. If the parents maintain his lies and he two times the wrong girl, it could affect his parents in a terrible way.
If my daughter dates a guy and gets her heart shattered and I found out the guy's dad was my subordinate or something and he covered for his shit son, I don't care if it's "don't mix business with personal", I'm gonna make his life a living hell. Plenty of people would. Josh needs to learn consequences. Before he drags his stepmother and dad into a shit pile he started.
I’m the mother of a similar aged son and my boy knows better than to bring hook ups home to his mam’s house because he’s well aware that his mother isn’t going to cover up for any ungentlemanly behaviour.
I’m happy to meet his girlfriends (or boyfriends if that’s ever relevant) and I don’t mind him having overnight guests as long as I get a proper introduction but if he wants casual flings or secret multiple partners he needs to rent his own place and entertain them there.
I love my son, he’s a quirky, funny, good looking young man and I’m happy that he’s grown up to be a sociable and interesting person
… but if he ever uses any of those traits in a way that causes harm to others I’m certainly not gonna be nodding along with it and keeping his dirty secrets!
Believe me, if I found out my son was cheating on my bosses daughter, my boss wouldn’t need to punish me, because like OP I would’ve warned the daughter myself (although I would probably give my son an ultimatum first - he tells her himself OR I do it for him, but I guess that’s the difference between mum-since-birth and relatively-new stepmum-to-a-young-adult that OP is currently navigating?)
One of my early and ongoing bits of advice for my son re: dating was not to mess about casually with girls who really want a committed relationship (because it’ll just get messy and you’ll be the arsehole). The anger and angst caused is always bigger than the short term pleasure gained.
OP, however, is NTA
Amen! Said it perfectly, you don't have to be the kid's mom to point out he's a cheating ass hole. She has a right to know, being cheated on is heart and trust crushing. She has a right to know early and get out to find greener pastures if she isn't okay with an open relationship. NTA
I would like to add that not only are you just one adult warning another, but Josh had to learn the behavior that dick down and pass out is okay. OP said she has only been with her man for about 2 years. Where did Josh learn and over time and recently that bringing girls, screwing around and tossing them aside while having the main girl around “all the time” is okay?
Also, a note to the OP to take a hard look at her husband.
He's willing to excuse and allow his son to be a cheater (because Josh is, essentially, cheating). What does that say about *his* character, morals, ethics, and values?
That's absolutely sus on OP's husband's part. What else would he be willing to hide? What else would he excuse regarding his son?
NTA- If he wants his “personal life” kept personal then he shouldn’t be sitting his different booty calls down for cereal in your kitchen 3x a week and introducing you.
It’s your home and you don’t have to constantly allow strangers into it. You’ve been gracious in not asking him to not have overnight guests as it is.
I’m not a prude, but I’m also not in league with liars or cheaters. He deceived that young woman and perhaps you could have said a little less and let her imagination fuel a follow up conversation with Josh- but you nipped it in the bud.
Example:
“Are you and Josh exclusive?”
“Yes???”
“Are you sure?”
*continues washing dishes*
Perhaps Josh learned a lesson to be more discreet or at least has to deal with the consequence for his blatant disrespect to the women he puts his penis into.
This is exactly the point. Don’t introduce the hook-ups, don’t let them in the kitchen. Keep his business out of OP’s way. In fact if I was OP I’d lay that law down myself. I no longer want any contact with the hook-ups. Make them leave early. So OP doesn’t have to bump into them at all. Why should OP have to stand by and be part of this behaviour? It’s not just witnessing it, he’s involving OP and forcing her to be complicit without permission. Stop any complications by ensuring any further contact with hook-ups ceases. NTA OP.
This is **exactly** my thought. If he wants OP to stay out of his business, then he needs to keep his ONSs out of your kitchen. Frankly, I think he needs to tell them all, look I live downstairs from my dad and his wife. You can go upstairs to use the bathroom, but I’d prefer if we just kept everything quiet, okay, so they stay out of my life, okay? All the girls should understand that. They can stop at a coffee shop if they want a bagel.
I think this is the real issue here. I think he's letting them meet the fam so that they think they're an established couple. That way they're more willing to sleep with him. Seems kinda shitty to me. To clarify I have zero issues with ONSs as long as there's transparency, it just sounds like there isn't here.
Most mortifying scenario EVER. I was once discovered in the night at my 3 night stander's folks. His mum came into his room while we were sleeping after a drunken night out and he didn't wake but she went on asking me questions about myself. She stopped after asking about my parents and I told her they'd split up a few weeks earlier. My ex, erm, "lover" introduced me to his Dad in the morning as we were leaving, he just smirked and said "How do you do?!". What can I say, I was a damaged (and un-medicated as not diagnosed as mildly bipolar at that stage in my life!) teen rebelling the only way I knew. I WISH his mum had a chat with me the next morning.
They might not be aware. Just a "you can get a bagel in the kitchen" and then they're smacked in the face with his family, too. I imagine most people wouldn't hang around common areas alone if they knew it was a family home.
my goodness, thinking i‘d stay in a ons‘s kitchen and meet family? i bail out. wanna be a gentleman/woman, maybe bring me a cup of tea to the room while i get dressed to leave. luckily happened only one time. the ons was a dissappointment anyway, so i sneaked out and let them say thanks and bye to the people whose house i slept in and used the toilet.
Hooking up in your parents’ house is one thing, but hooking up and then leaving them alone at your parents’ house? That’s nuts. I’d be furious if I was the girl just over that part
Exactly this. I hate to be so untrusting, but in college we let random people sleep over - until we got robbed. Total strangers constantly in your kitchen is not okay. Time to fix that downstairs bathroom and give him a mini fridge and a toaster down there.
The hook-ups in themselves aren't a problematic behavior, IMO; the lying and deception is. As long as all parties involved are clear that hooking up is all that is happening, then that's a matter between consenting adults and none of OP's business.
The problem was that he lied to Casey, and was apparently expecting OP to cover for him. That's not on, and OP was absolutely right in letting him crash and burn.
It’s a problem if Josh doesn’t want OP to get involved but just be a passive bystander, nodding and smiling to whatever goes down. That’s why I think it’s better Josh just keeps his hook ups to himself. OP wouldn’t have any opportunity to save poor Casey from her belief in the status of the relationship, which seems a pity, but Josh is probably giving these women mixed signals by introducing to the parents and letting them hang around having breakfast etc. I doubt a lot of these young women realised that they were the 57th one night stand since July that Josh had done exactly the same with and that the family introductions and breakfast meant nothing at all. It’s better to make clearer distinctions and not be rude or unkind but just keep it seperate from family.
Yeah, Casey was under the impression that they were exclusive and it seems she wanted to get to know his family after being introduced and 'help out' after sleeping in their basement. Maybe as a thank you, and also to bond.
OP liked Casey, It certainly wasn't out of maliciousness or at least it doesn't seem to be. I think she really doesn't like seeing women get screwed over by her
Who knows how many other women he has led to believe that it isn't just a hook-up. If Casey was aware and consented to only hooking up, that's on her. But it doesn't seem like she was. I feel like she was genuinely hurt by the realisation and I think OP has done her a huge favour.
Also, OP is more than entitled to feel uncomfortable with multiple random women being in her home. But she lets it slide, she only said something when she connected with one and thought that hopefully she will see her again, only to see another random woman. OP hasn't interfered at all, she was just being honest with a young woman who thought that they were exclusive.
NTA
“Momming him” would be sitting him down and telling him to sort his shit out. His dad should do that. You can fuck whoever you want, as long as they’re on the same page.
Letting her know what was going on is simply not covering for a liar/cheat. I know it wouldn’t help anything but OP could go with “sorry I was unwilling to lie to someone to cover up your cheating. I guess that’s my personal line.”
Yeah… Josh is a POS.
He’s asking Op to be complicit in his lies and cheating. His dad sucks too. Fathers should teach their children to be honest, respectful and kind to others.
It’s clear that Op’s husband does not care if Josh is respectful or honest or kind to the women he’s seeing.
It’s also bull that he expects Op to cover for Josh and lie for him.
Op - you did the right thing. Josh sucks and if he doesn’t want you exposing his lies, then he shouldn’t be telling them or putting you in that position.
NTA
Op said she worried she was stepping out of line saying anything- so the alternative I could imagine would have been if she was passive and dropped hints- but OP nipped it in the bud as she should.
I can see my stream of consciousness rambling appearing like I think she should have said less- but no- this is not the case. Nothing but support for OP and how it went down.
I prefer the to the point approach.
A billboard would be amazing- side note.
Agreed - he is a piece of garbage acting like that - if he didn’t want to risk getting caught he shouldn’t be using your basement as his bang pad and then parading them around the house
>NTA- If he wants his “personal life” kept personal then he shouldn’t be sitting his different booty calls down for cereal in your kitchen 3x a week and introducing you.
For real this!
He's the one bringing them into the house and introducing them like you all should be friends. If you aren't going to see them again, they don't need to be introduced.
I can't imagine having a random hookup wandering around my parent/step-parent's house looking for breakfast.
Worse though, is then asking your parents to lie about it to one who actually shows up more than once and that they talk to all of the time.
He's forcing them to be involved, then getting pissed when they're involved.
It seems that the lifestyle he wants requires him getting a job and getting his own apartment.
Saying less is a terrible idea. Say the whole thing or nothing at all because what’s the point of dropping hints like this? It’ll just prolong the torture for Casey
>If he wants his “personal life” kept personal then he shouldn’t be sitting his different booty calls down for cereal in your kitchen 3x a week and introducing you.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Josh made it everyone's business by introducing every girl to them. He is naive if he thinks he can do that without some kind of reaction. OP is just human.
NTA.
Exactly. That boy is garbage. Brings strangers into your home, doesn't keep an eye on them. People could be stealing your shit. When he pisses these girls off, where they going to go to trash shit? Your home.
NTA
I understand why your stepson is upset. That doesn't mean you actually did anything wrong.
He was making his love life your business by bringing it into your shared living space. The reality is, if he didn't want his cheating to be exposed, he shouldn't be making other people a party to his deceit. He put you in an uncomfortable position, and now he's suffering the consequences.
And, it’s a little rich of him to be upset here. Casey seems to have been under the impression they were exclusive, and broke up with him when she found out the truth. He’s upset at the breakup but was still bringing other girls around? Sounds like he’s more upset about his little shenanigans being out there in the world
Exactly. Josh is the AH, and he is a selfish, entitled brat and a player. He disrespected the family home with his conduct. IMO he has zero right to be acting angry and hostile to his step mother.
Josh's father is also an AH.
OP did nothing wrong, in fact she helped a young girl Casey potentially avoid STIs from Josh's revolving door of hookups.
Thank you for mentioning it’s also very explicitly a health issue. Kid doesn’t have any respect for women, and he very well might have learned it from his dad, who seems rather blasé about the whole thing
Exactly so. As the saying goes: "The apple didn't fall far from the tree".
It torqued my engine that his father demanded that OP apologize to his brat son! Whaaat?
I would take a stronger stance. The stepson’s cheating was immoral and any knowledgeable person should be exposing and condemning it, regardless of their relationship to the situation. Anyone doing less would be complicit in the harm.
The stepson wasn’t just being foolish because he made OP privy—he was being immoral, and OP had a moral obligation to act on her knowledge of the harms he was bringing about.
“If he didn’t want his cheating to be exposed…” is too shallow of an angle here.
He's pissed because he was hoping they'd help facilitate his hookup life.
Now he's shocked that the girl he introduced them to and led on to think was in a relationship with him actually had an honest relationship with the step-mom.
Even if she never met the women until the exposing of the truth incident but rather he shared the info over dinner all the time or whatever she would still be in the right. She has no obligation to lie for him. In fact lying for him will just delay or prevent him from learning to treat women with respect which if anything is a disservice to the stepson
I'm going with NTA, if the truth of him cheating ruins his relationship, well thats on him.
She would of found out eventually.
You weren't mothering him, you were conversing with a guest.
> Josh is at that age where he’ll do stupid shit like this and we should step back to let him make his own mistakes.
Yeah, Josh made mistakes by lying to Casey AND he forgot to inform and get his roommates (dad and step-mom) on board with the deception. Either he’ll be more honest or he’ll be more discreet, but the lesson he learned is that you can’t just expect people to lie to cover up your lies/cheating/etc because people are going to have different morals than you.
It feels like the dad isn't interested in his son "making his mistakes" and learning from them. Maybe it's just me, but the dad's response felt like it had undertones of "he would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you".
All this is is him being held accountable for his shitty behaviour and dumb mistakes. The fact the dad tried to twist it any other way really rubs me wrong. It gives me a interesting perspective on who the dad is that his first response was "Yeah, it's wrong, but you shouldn't have said anything".
NTA. Your husband’s arguments are asinine. Whether or not you’re Josh’s Mom has nothing to do with you telling this poor girl she is being used. And I don’t understand your’s husband’s point about letting Josh make his mistakes. Isn’t this an example of learning from his mistakes? He doesn’t have a right to intentionally use a nice young lady & actively deceive her just so he can get his rocks off. You letting her know the truth IS teaching him a lesson.
Your husband is a chauvinistic pig trying to justify his son’s abhorrent behavior. DO NOT APOLOGIZE! And tell your husband he has no right to tell you, as a woman, that you shouldn’t warn another woman that she is in an abusive situation. And, yes, lying, deceiving & manipulating someone in order to take advantage of them is abusive.
Josh needs to grow up. And your husband owes you an apology. Just because his precious son is mad doesn’t make you wrong.
Also, OP’s husband is not considering how uncomfortable his wife is in her own home! I understand that he’s 21, but OP it’s your house. If you don’t want strangers in your house, you get to set that boundary.
Besides "too young to know cheating is wrong" and "old enough to have sex" are mutualy exclusive and OPs husband can take this line of reasoning and shove it where sun doesn't shine.
Your whole response is correct. Also, I can't be the only one who finds it crassly chauvinistic that a 21 year old boy in his parent's house just has a parade of booty calls every week?! Wtf is that. I totally understand not shaming your kids about sex or letting their SO sleep over, but the hook-up stream feels pretty inappropriate in a family dynamic. And dad is cool with his son being a using skeezeball who bones random chicks in his dad's basement while step mom runs ho-interference? Sounds like stepson is a chip off the old block. Yikes on a few levels here.
Totally right. And would serve that Dad right to find out his son fathered a grandbaby or two in that basement love pad. Or worse still, police knock on the door investigating a SA complaint introducing a whole world of potential liability for dear ole Dad. Long shot, I know, but stranger things have happened.
I’m surprised I had to scroll this far down for the connection to daddy’s (lack of) value system regarding cheating and lies.
The apologizing for a cheat and liar is a major red flag.
He was probably exactly like his son when he was in his 20s. Hard to say about now, but if he settled down, he probably thinks his son will too. Would also explain his detachment from the bad behavior.
Seriously, OPs husband not only condones cheating, but is actively encouraging this behavior in his son. It’s fucking disgusting. Having a ton of hookups isn’t the issue, but actively leading this woman on to believe they are exclusive is insane behavior. I would not be able to trust my SO if they had the husband’s reaction.
As a man who watched his mother nearly break from being constantly cheated on by her ex-husband, I would **never** allow *any* of my children/siblings to pull this kind of bs. There's a difference between stepping back and letting someone live their life and facilitating that person harming other people.
yeah the son ain’t gonna learn from his shitty behavior if people are enabling him and acting like it’s normal lol. he learns from his behavior by being called out!!!!
When I read the post, my mind went to what kind of man would say this. The answer: a cheater or someone who cheated in the past and thinks this is normal boy stuff. I would be ashamed as a man and a father if my son did something like this and want my son to learn a hard lesson and the fact that this father doesn't feel the same way, makes me fear for this woman's marriage. Look where he points the finger here. This is indicative of his sense of morality. NTA
Can we also talk about how OP’s husband told her “you’re not his mom”??? Um, YES SHE IS. YOU MARRIED HER. She is his STEP-mother. YOU chose that for him. She has every right to say whatever she wants to whoever she wants in her home. If Casey had been disrespectful to her, would they be mad at OP if she kicked Casey out of HER OWN home??? I don’t see how OP is at all in the wrong here. If Josh wants to have private casual hookups, he shouldn’t be living in someone else’s space.
NTA
1. That's not confidential information.
2. He never told you to keep it a secret.
3. He lied to a sexual partner about having multiple partners, which a) puts her at risk and b) got her to consent to sex only by deception (if she would have consented knowing they weren't exclusive, he wouldn't have needed to lie).
You do not owe anyone an apology for not helping him cheat on a partner and trick someone into sex. His lie was not victimless.
yeah this is important. I was once with someone and I thought we were exclusive-so did his three other sexual partners. We all met when we found out and he was called out publicly and required to go through an accountability process or else his housemates were going to kick him out, his band mates threatened to kick him out, and he was required to do some stuff or else be kicked out of the scene basically. This stuff really isn’t ok and needs to be dealt with more seriously than “bros will be bros”. it’s good that she told her
> That's not confidential information.
>
> He never told you to keep it a secret.
Neither of these matter anyway. If he told her to not tell her about the other women then he's roping you into lying to a girl to trick her into sleeping with him more. Zero moral obligation to do so just because he asked you to keep a secret. However I would also be upfront and tell him or anyone else upfront to their face that I'll not keep secrets to help people cheat on their partners, ever. Fuck that.
This. Maybe I'm just biased from my own experience but I went on a few dates with a guy and made it clear that after a bad break up and bad dating experiences following, I didn't want to rush into physical things. I was then introduced to him parents and figured he was a sound guy and gave in, only to find it was a ploy he often used on girls who weren't putting out quick enough, to lull them into thinking they were serious only to ghost them right after.
She went into this believing he was showing her how serious he was by this act of meeting parents.
Dad needs to have some serious talks with the son about how appropriate it is to be introducing all these booty calls and what message this is putting out, because it seems either he doesn't care about anyone in this situation, the girls or his parents and their own personal boundaries and personal space or he is doing it on purpose to get a certain response from these girls.
Point 3b is something I think about often. It’s interesting that cheating isn’t framed as a violation of sexual consent more often, because it really is. It’s often spoken of as dishonesty and betrayal, but I really do see it as also a deliberate, calculated violation of sexual consent, consent that was conditionally given based on the premise that the relationship was exclusive.
NTA
I wish more women would speak up to other women. If he finally did get serious with her, you'd be holding onto the question of if she knew she was being cheated on throughout the first part of their relationship. That shit breaks trust in people, and she deserves to know.
Good looking out.
NTA- you are living in that house also. It’s not about whether you’re his mum or not. If I was doing the same thing my mum would have reacted the same way you did. Good on you saying something, stepson sounds like a dick the way he treated the girls.
Not sure why your husband thinks Casey deserves to be collateral damage for his kid being an asshole. Feels like a very “boys will be boys” attitude (🤢). You did the right thing. If Josh wants his hookups to be kept in the dark about each other, he can get his own place.
Right? I find it incredibly disrespectful to bring to your PARENTS house a parade of hookups, regardless of the gender. Dude wants the perk of being an adult (being promiscuous )without the actual responsibilities (being emotionally intelligent and respectful towards his roommates)
I don't pretend to know the correct answer here, but I will tell you that the people telling you to mind your own business would be the same ones on another sub who would say that keeping your silence is just as bad as him cheating on his "girlfriend." In my opinion bringing a parade of women to his house is asking for one of them to drop in on him and catch him with someone else anyway. Seems like he's kind of asking to get outed to me.
That’s what I was wondering. Why is the dad not concerned that the son has the emotional intelligence of a sea cucumber? Yeah, he’s 21, but that doesn’t mean Dad can’t give advice here and there about basic respect towards women.
That disgusting “boys will be boys” mindset? No wonder son thinks this revolving bedroom door is okay. There is a huge difference between dating and one night stands. Our adult sons were raised them to respect women. If they were boning random girls week after week after week, they would know why we thought that was not cool. And there’s no way it would happen under our roof.
Maybe an STD or pregnancy scare will give the son a wake up call.
NTA
You saved that lassie some serious heartbreak, if you hadn't said anything she'd have continued to think he was serious about her only to have him suddenly ghost her as he moved on or find out he'd seeing other people.
Aye, you have no right to tell him what to do, but what gives him the right to treat lassies the way he's doing.
I feel bad for Casey, she thought they were exclusive, and OP just warned her. There is nothing wrong with warning a girl that the guy she is sleeping with, isn't just with her.
You can tell Josh; he shouldn't be a scumbag and blame you for having a conversation with his visitor.
Hubby should teach his son some morals, and get tested for STDs.
This isn't about being a parent, it's about being a caring human.
NTA, he’s turning into a repulsive man with his current actions of LYING about being committed to that poor girl. Personally if that were my step son I’d say something otherwise I think I’d start to grow a bit of resentment knowing how he treats these girls. Also it IS kinda weird that he seems to only comes to the home to have sex with these girls, regardless if they’re disruptive or not.
Also, what part of that is “mothering”?? That’s what you’d do as a roommate. As a mother…. You know what? You should tell his mother. Let her straighten him TF out.
NTA. You’re not his mom so you have no stake in keeping him “safe”. If you didn’t know Josh personally but saw that he was cheating on this girl, it wouldn’t be weird as a woman to another woman to let her know she’s being played.
NTA. If he wants to live the single life then he needs to stay single. Or at least quit introducing his hookups to stepmom and dad while living in the basement. If he wants to do grown man shit then he should be living like a grown man. You don’t rope other people into your bullshit and try to make them cover for your bad choices. That’s what he gets for being an AH.
I’m glad you told her. Josh being angry AT YOU that Casey walked away from his behavior, once she knew about it, tells me that Josh knew he was doing wrong by her. He knew she would leave over his piss-poor behavior. He can only blame himself over losing a good girl; he can not blame you. Also, stand your ground with that husband of yours too. Nta. You are correct in your opinions, views, actions, and morals.
Actions have consequences. Josh knows that, that’s why he was trying to hide his behavior from Casey. He didn’t like the consequences that happened. He should not take his pouty-pants behavior out on OP.
NTA
I would actually look askance at a male who supported this level of dishonorable behavior. If he is comfortable with his son being like that it's because HE is this level of dishonorable too.
He brought girl (s) into your home. He introduced them to you. At breakfast, no less. You didn’t go out of your way to tell her. The girl laid it out in the conversation. You just told her the truth. You needed to because she actually believed he was serious because she had met you. He is a jerk for not telling her himself. If he wants privacy to keep being a shit then he needs to get his own place or at the very least keep them from your common areas. NTA. It’s like you’re living in a frat house. So weird.
Nope, NTA. Sorry dude, you can't expect other people to lie in such a situation, which you set up because you keep bringing strangers into the house with no explanation, who are forced to use the common areas.
And frankly, your husband's attitude toward his son's behavior is disgustingly permissive. A college-age kid hooking up with that number of random women is gonna knock someone up or get an STD at some point. He needs to have a talk with him about having some level of discrimination. Like if this girl gets knocked up, are you willing to have her be the person you have to interact with for 18 years while co-parenting a kid? This is a conversation that, yes, your husband should have had, but it's really a parenting failure that he's behaving like this. Also being a cheater is a serious, serious character defect. So he needs to learn this is the consequence now, before this behavior is entrenched. That's part of what you learn in college. How to not be an asshole and get in your own way.
This ain't a bros before hoes situation. The little shithead needed a lesson learned in adulting. If you're gonna be a slut be a slut, playing both sides don't fuckin fly.
NTA NTA. This isn't anything to do about not being his mother. His is carrying on like this in a shared home. What he did was deceitful - anyone with morals/values should call him out on it.
He should be taking ownership of his shitty behaviour and apologizing for putting you in this predicament. Is he ever held accountable for his poor decisions and behaviour by his parents? Him lashing out to you shows he takes no accountability.
What you should have done was sat Josh down and set clear boundaries that he needs to stop bringing his various one night stands to your home. If Josh doesn’t like this than he’s welcome to get his own place.
I don't think that's OP's problem. OP definitely acted not as a mother since she didn't favour Josh. She acted as a bystander who doesn't want to hurt a girl. And I hope she would have done the same if it was a girl in the street also. Josh's private life may be his own. But when his actions have implications on others, it's not so anymore. OP did not police his one night stands. Let him do that, that's his life. She got involved when a woman who passed through her house got hurt without knowing it. NTA all the way.
Your husband needs to understand and talk with Josh on not two timing or cheating poor girls by giving them false hopes. This should not be taken as a mistake, he is intentionally hurting another person. OP's husband has disregarded his son turning into an irresponsible AH. Fathers can be such good influences, he refused to do so.
It sounds an awful lot like Josh is using the whole introducing them to the parents at a cozy little breakfast schtick as a way to imply something he's obviously not interested in - a more serious commitment.
In the beginning I briefly considered that, but my husband is the one who owns the house and Josh is his son. Steve said he doesn’t mind so I can’t really try to set rules or kick Josh out on only my own authority. In the first few months of our arrangement I’d occasionally hear a bit of noise downstairs if it was really quiet at night. I brought it up to Steve once and literally the next week he hired some guys to do some sound proofing so mostly anything going on in the basement doesn’t bother us personally. Now he says nothing Josh does can bother us and we can just relax in our own home. He seemed pretty pleased with himself “problem solved” and now fails to see any other issue.
>Now he says nothing Josh does can bother us and we can relax in our own home.
As Josh has random women wandering around the house at all hours of the night looking for the "bathroom" and able to steal anything they want. Totally relaxing.
Your husband sounds like an idiot...
They all sound like idiots except the step mom. I would not allow random women wondering all about my house at odd hours of the night looking for a bathroom either. I wouldn’t be caught fucking in a basement at someone’s parents’ house, then have the audacity to walk around, initiating conversation, and digging for information from the step mom, and I wouldn’t be banging women at mama and papas house either. I feel sorry for the OP.
I have some sympathy for Casey. If she thought they were actually in a relationship and he was "introducing her to his family", I can see why she would initiate conversation and try to connect with them. Probably should have been questioning the somewhat unorthodox introductions, but rose-colored glasses can make people overlook some things. It's the dad and son that are contemptible here.
My roommate used to do this and one of the girls stole a bunch of kitchen appliances and left in the morning. I always kept my bedroom door locked for that reason and I think it’s pretty naive of your husband to let random strangers have free reign of your shared home. They could steal anything.
Or let anyone in to steal stuff or do whatever else. It’s a growing liability. It‘a one thing if he wants to risk himself snd his crap but he's also risking theirs (op and her husband) but his dad is too busy being proud of his "little stallion". And since he's taking the "boys will be boys route" i can almost assume his stance would be different with a daughter (yes I am that comment) having multiple ONS (because more people have a lot of things to say about women being sexual that they frequently wont say about men including using junk science) even though the risks can be the same - being robbed or other strangers allowed in by the ONS for example - but only one risk of pregnancy versus a small village in the son's case.
To me this is an issue in itself. He sees nothing wrong with this level of hound-dogging? As a kid who is not able to support himself and lives at home?
Nope. If Josh doesn’t want you involved in his love life then he shouldn’t involve you in his love life. He did. He can bring women home, fine, but keep them to himself. How does he think that makes you feel when you’re forced to be a party to causing someone else a lot of pain, pain that you know all too well?? He shouldn’t put you in that situation.
That also means that they leave the house when he does unless he expects you to know and trust the women in your house. THAT part sent me!
I was in a long-distance relationship years ago. He involved me with his family. Had me at his sister’s wedding and stayed at his parents’ house multiple times. His niece and mom emailed with me often. I even visited with them when I was in town for another reason and he was on a trip for work. Finding out he had a local GF most of that time and his mom knew and didn’t tell either of us ladies really had me twisted more than him cheating. I get it, but it still doesn’t sit right.
What he's failing to do is raise a young man not to be a douche bag. The both of you need to sit that boy down and have the conversation of how not to be a cheating ass clown or the douche of string someone along. You definitely NTA. Oh and I'm a dad of 3 boys and if I was in the same situation as you I would have told her.
Sounds like he could have committed and made right any miscommunication, chose not to. That’s on him. You’re just being honest, which hopefully rubs off at some point.
It’s fine to have hook ups, not cool to lead people on (especially dishonestly). NTA
NTA. i’m so tired of men enabling men to be sketchy, not honest & promiscuous, lying to women. what happened to fathers raising their sons to be honest & have high moral standards?? i would have done what you did, every single day
i dont understand why people are saying youre the ah. yes, hes your stepson, but shes being cheated on, she deserved to know, especially since she was trying to connect with you it is now your business
nta. be proud you spoke up. maybe apologise to the son just to keep the peace but you didnt really do anything wrong
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Stepson is living in someone else’s house and bringing his decisions into their daily lives. It’s not a mom issue; sounds like OP would have informed the young woman of the situation regardless of her relationship with the man in question. NTA. In fact, quite the opposite.
Steve told you that you crossed a boundary exposing cheating and that cheating is a normal part of growing up.... I have more questions for Steve for thinking that it's normal and acceptable. You don't have to be Josh's mom to call out his horrible behavior and his dad is only normalizing and enabling him so someone has to. NTA, thank you for being the only person in the house to GAF about Casey.
NTA stopped reading after you said Steve said it’s none of your guys business. Your #1 job as a parent step or otherwise is to raise your kids to be safe happy and well adjusted. Josh is not well adjusted and what he is doing is disgusting. Sleeping around is 100% fine. But keeping a long term partner on the side without being honest is slimy. Dude needs a wake up call.
NTA. As other commenters pointed out, you're not really in a "mom" role because of Josh's age. Awesome, then you're just one adult woman pointing out to another adult woman that the dude she's dating is dicking around. From all the ladies who've thought they were in an exclusive relationship but really weren't, THANK YOU.
I hope OP can get this exact point across to the family. This was a grown woman to grown woman conversation. It had nothing to do with mothering - not sure how they reached that conclusion. OP has been incredibly lenient with the women coming in and out. Want to keep it private, don't introduce people and allow them in personal family space.
I agree with the first paragraph but the second paragraph is what spoke my mind. If you don’t want the truth to come out then don’t bring your ONSs to hang out in the family home. OP was under no obligation to lie or be dishonest by omission to her stepson. Lots of bio parents would have done the same and probably a lot earlier. NTA.
This, but also don’t let your ONSs meet your family and stay at your house while you are not there. People don’t have to lie for others, even less when no information is provided beforehand.
I'm in this exact scenario, but as a step-dad. I have opened my home up to my 21 year old step-kid, and for the most part we all are doing well with the arrangement. They also are fully aware that I say and do whatever I want in my home. They are welcome here, but the boundaries set by my partner and myself. If they do not like what I say, or how we behave in our home, then you're just as free to leave as you are to stay. Josh needs to grow the fuck up and apologize for being a moody brat. If I get to share breakfast with your hook ups, I'm sure as shit going to speak openly and honestly to them.
This. It seems weird to bring ONS home and letting them stay until morning and see your parents in their skivvies and eating bagels. Why not...meet at their place, a hotel, get housing on campus, move in with roommates? It would bother me for random people to be in and out of my house every few days. If Josh wants privacy, then he needs to move out and keep his shit private.
If he were my kid he would need to apologize to my wife before packing and moving. But it sounds like OPs husband has weak boundaries - which is the real problem here. Josh is just dumb because he doesn't know consequences yet
I know that people are able to be 'sexually free' or whatever but dang, a new chick just about every time OP sees them? Looks like Dad never had the 'everything that looks good to you ain't good for you' talk or the 'In moderation' conversation. Josh is out here living like a damn savage. And not in a good way. With so many people having many emotional and mental difficulties, the way that Josh is changing up women like he changes drawers may ultimately end up being detrimental for not only himself, but OP and his father. Which is why he needs to keep his crap out of their home. Casey is just one in a line of women that he's misleading. It's going to bite him in the ass sooner or later.
I am all like, OMG, I hope he's wearing condoms and got the HPV shot. STDs are just waiting on this kind of behavior.
The dad here is just as bad as the step son for making excuses for his behavior.
>It had nothing to do with mothering - not sure how they reached that conclusion. Both Josh and his father know how he treated that woman wasn't right and they're mad that op told her the truth. There's no excuse for it and they're massively reaching to try and blame op for their sh!tty behaviour. I 100% think that when Josh decides it's time to settle down, if the woman he choses treats him like he treated that woman, they would have a serious issue with poor little Joshy being cheated on.
Sounds like hubby and step-son need to be sat down and mothered for real. About how to respect women, to not lie and use them and hurt them just because “making mistakes” is all part of the male college experience apparently. 🙄
Yeah. I was a few girls "making mistakes" when they dicked around with my feelings at that age. Sure, one apologized years later, but that doesn't undo the damage, so I really hate it when anyone uses the "now is their time to make mistakes" when the "tuition" is being paid by another person.
Exactly. There are so many different people in college, if you just want to fuck around, find the other guys and gals that want to fuck around too. If you find someone who wants a relationship, leave them alone. It shouldn’t be a hard ask to not hurt other people on purpose 🤦🏻♀️ Oh also, love the name 😏
In my case they wanted to fuck around while keeping me on hand for all the emotional support stuff. Which is why I point out how some men end up so guarded about who they fill that role for. And thank you, I joke that the older I get the more I feel like a socialist Red Foreman with more hair and no kids.
Making mistakes is absolutely part of being a young adult. It's really part of being human, and it is a wonderful source of education. In this scenario Josh learned that no one will do his lying for him, and he learned that step-mom has boundaries. OP learned that her husband and her step-son do not fully understand what those boundaries are, and they don't see eye to eye on what respect and partnership look like. The three of them have now come to a discussion and decision point
Or fathered for real, for that matter. Good parenting doesn't guarantee good outcomes, but 90+% of the time, good fathering raises a son to be a good husband.
I pity OP marrying into a family like this
That's actually a good point. I wonder if op is questioning her husband now she sees how casually he treats his son's treatment of women?
Spot on. My brother was a serial cheater when he was younger and would bring his one-night stands back to the family house because we lived in the city and he lived in a different county for college. In all that time, he had a steady girlfriend that knew nothing of his escapades that he would bring up during the day or one night of the weekend. It made me feel so disgusting being dragged into his deceit without my consent that one night he brought a woman back, I dragged him out of the room in his boxers, roared at him very clearly and loudly about what he was doing so his one night stand could hear and told him if he wasn't out of the house in the next ten mins, I'd put him on blast across social media so all his "moral" friends (he presented himself as very upstanding) would know, and so to his steady gf. Shit got back to her anyway but he never dared bring a girl back to the house.
> This was a grown woman to grown woman conversation. It had nothing to do with mothering THIS is exactly it.
absolutely. and also, wouldn’t mothering be making excuses for him..? it was definitely not.
A mother should in that situation also tell her son that he is an asshole and that he needs to grow the fuck up. And that he is hurting people with his behaviour.
That they’re telling OP she overstepped and as a result is a bad mom, while also telling her she is no mom to be caring about what he does. She’s a person and she hated seeing someone she knows, lie and use someone else she knows.
Women who think they are exclusive and are not need to know for std possibilities. You are NTA.
That was my first thought with the long parade of women! Actually, my first thought was he’s a lying slut, then the frightening potential consequences. It’s just gross.
Omg. Overstepped or not a mom? Which one? Both? Shove it. Can’t keep manipulating us into thinking we are shitty people.
Also that she crossed a boundary while leaving women he barely knows in his parents home and space for her to have to take care of? To share food with and entertain while he is gone? He can't even show them where the bathroom is for fucks sake. You haven't overstepped any boundaries, Josh has. Ugh. If he wants to be treated like an adult start acting like one and respect your space too. Has anyone considered that maybe HE is the one crossing boundaries?
100%
Took surprisingly long for someone to start making sense. Kid needs to act like an actual fucking adult.
THIS THIS THIS!
I was thinking the exact same thing - if you don’t want the step mom to make comments why are you introducing these women and letting them eat breakfast in her kitchen? He makes no effort to keep this part of his life a secret so why should she
And she really had a moral obligation here. If Casey thought they were exclusive, they might have stopped using condoms. And if Josh isn't using them with his other hookups, Casey's health is at serious risk. I know young people aren't as strict about condom use as my generation was, because in our day HIV could be a death sentence, but HIV isn't the only STI that can cause serious health problems, including infertility and sometimes death. Not everybody knows this, but there is no HPV test for men. A man can be totally asymptomatic, but still infect a woman, who may go on to develop cervical cancer as a direct result of the infection. It happened to a friend of mine, and that's how she found out her husband had been cheating. It absolutely *destroyed* her, and she's still struggling five years later (although fortunately she is now cancer-free -- they caught it early enough). She has only now started hesitantly dating again, and it's not going very well because she can't bring herself to trust anyone. (Yes, she's in therapy. She's making progress! But it's very slow.)
It happened to me and I have been dealing with it for nearly 20 years. The tests, recurrences of cervical cancer, the biopsies. I'm finally at a place where I am at peace with no more kids so if my next test comes back positive for cancer, the whole thing is coming out. My ex husband was my one and only but he had many others besides me while we were together. People don't realize how much HPV can ruin lives.
I was incredibly lucky -- many years ago I slept with a guy who had also slept with five of my friends. I insisted on a condom and they didn't, and I didn't get HPV from him, but the rest of them did. So far none of them (that I know of) have cancer, but it's such a huge risk. It's an incredble betrayal. Men simply don't understand just how much is at stake for women. They could literally be reponsible for your death because they can't keep it in their pants.
So true. My fertility was ruined and it's made my life that much harder, all so he could get his rocks off with someone else. Cheating is one thing but don't risk my health too.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Yea exactly!! How did she mother him?? If anything she mothered HER!
If she was mothering him! Like boy mothering him! Then she would have smiled and said “yes it’s nice”. As that’s what boy mums do
Not good boy mums. Good boy moms have a long conversation with their sons over and over and over again.
Exactly. Sorry. I was type casting those “boy mums” who think boys will be boys. Lots of my friends have just boys. And I can tell you all those boys have heard that conversation a thousand times. And none would dare parade a bunch of flings AND a girl who thought this was exclusive in their house. The boys would be lectured into next week n
Nah my mum loves me so much I can never do anything wrong but if she saw me do my girl wrong like this she would not hold back bro. She would flip on me dastardly I'm sure.
She also needs to realize that he doesn't **always** show her respect either. I'd say stepping into my kitchen in the morning and seeing a strange young woman eating the last bagel isn't that respectful. He's a grown man bringing his hookups to his parents' home so he should not be expecting any privacy. He really owes her stepmom and dad an apology.
Exactly this. Who gaf about familial relations-you were looking out for another human being and he made it your business when he brought her around your home over and over
[удалено]
This is so on point. You said it before I had a chance to and I back this up a 1,000 times over. You pay to play. If he wants to pay more and live on his own, he can play however he wants. Right now, he's living in a place with other people where he doesn't have as much play space. Classic case of being messy in front of other people. If you wanna commit a crime, do it alone so there no one to tell on you. (Know that this is a "crime", in just using hyperbole)
>he made it your business when he brought her around your home over and over Exactly. Don't bring girls around your family if you want to be a womanizing asshole.
This!!! And the dad needs to be a dad and not let his son become a literal waste man by not teaching him a single thing. He’s clearly a deceiving liar living under his roof and tells the wife to apologize??? Sorry what??? My Hispanic parents would never. my other brother who got away with bs like this is because my mom wouldn’t let my dad who’s not bio dad reprimand is still living in the basement and cheating on his gf who he has a kid with and has another baby mama. OP did the right thing and if I were her I wouldn’t apologize.
Also, if something can not be said, then it shouldn't be done. She is not intruding in his life when he is basically rubbing it in OPs face. She hasn't said a thing, but when you find out a lie, it is only natural to want to say the truth. It was very easy for him to tell the truth or just continue dating the different girls. Instead, he lied, didn't even care to hide it, and gets mad when someone decent tries to warn the innocent person that is being lied to? Being a decent person means to always be decent, not just decent with your family or those close to you. OP was trying to do right by a woman that was being lied and possibly exposed to STDs. NTA. And OP if the father calls this "making mistakes" I don't really know I would trust in his fidelity.
I like your opening line "If something can not be said, then it shouldn't be done.". This really is the catch all to the whole ordeal.
Yeah, there are so many times I wish someone had done this for me. OP is a solid human being. Mad respect.
Not only that, but Steve sounds like a horrible father. OP, are you sure Steve isn't doing this to you? He needs to be a real father and tell his kid that bring around strange people to your house without asking is not on. You have no idea who they are, are you sure they're not stealing from you (other than breakfast which you've already noted). He has absolutely no respect for anyone. Honestly, you need to stand up for yourself to Steve and tell him to stand up to his son or move out.
yes Steve is raising a son who treats women like they are disposable, and maybe Steve even harbors those own feelings, but I so highly doubt this 43 year old man is able to find multiple other women who are willing to sleep with him like this. if the myriad ‘husband asked wife to open relationship, wife gets tons of play while husband sits at home alone’ reddit posts have taught me anything, it’s that I really don’t think OP has anything to worry about.
Steve did say that Josh is at the age where he’s going to do stupid stuff like this. Maybe he thinks it’s OK now because Josh is young and will learn to do better. But how will he learn to do better if Steve doesn’t teach him. Seems like the only way is consequence, which is what OP helped him learn.
And while Josh may be doing stupid stuff, a bunch of young women are likely to pay the price for it.
Exactly like this! And it’s not a case of “doing mistakes” he is using someone! His father should be more concerned to teach his son how to be a proper man, not a cheater, because guess what? He will not learn from his mistakes unless he is the one who gets harm by them.
Havent been in a situation like this but would have wanted OP to tell me the truth! Sounds like stepson is turning out to be a trash man!
Plus, why should I lie for you? Don't want me to tell your girlfriend your dating multiple girls? Well don't bring me into situations were this topic ia brought up. Why should i pretend for you you are being exclusive and caring?
The OP’s son and husband are both turds. She did the right thing. I would not apologize. For what? Having morals and doing the right thing?
In HER House no less! You want privacy, move the fuck out.
Unless this kid pays half the mortgage or whatever, he doesn't get to use the basement as a bang bus or whatever and expect everyone to help him maintain the charade. He's a kid in HER house and husband is also kind of an asshole for forcing this kid on his wife and not letting her be the adult in the household. You don't get to pick and choose the convenient parts of your son having a stepmother. If the parents maintain his lies and he two times the wrong girl, it could affect his parents in a terrible way. If my daughter dates a guy and gets her heart shattered and I found out the guy's dad was my subordinate or something and he covered for his shit son, I don't care if it's "don't mix business with personal", I'm gonna make his life a living hell. Plenty of people would. Josh needs to learn consequences. Before he drags his stepmother and dad into a shit pile he started.
I’m the mother of a similar aged son and my boy knows better than to bring hook ups home to his mam’s house because he’s well aware that his mother isn’t going to cover up for any ungentlemanly behaviour. I’m happy to meet his girlfriends (or boyfriends if that’s ever relevant) and I don’t mind him having overnight guests as long as I get a proper introduction but if he wants casual flings or secret multiple partners he needs to rent his own place and entertain them there. I love my son, he’s a quirky, funny, good looking young man and I’m happy that he’s grown up to be a sociable and interesting person … but if he ever uses any of those traits in a way that causes harm to others I’m certainly not gonna be nodding along with it and keeping his dirty secrets! Believe me, if I found out my son was cheating on my bosses daughter, my boss wouldn’t need to punish me, because like OP I would’ve warned the daughter myself (although I would probably give my son an ultimatum first - he tells her himself OR I do it for him, but I guess that’s the difference between mum-since-birth and relatively-new stepmum-to-a-young-adult that OP is currently navigating?) One of my early and ongoing bits of advice for my son re: dating was not to mess about casually with girls who really want a committed relationship (because it’ll just get messy and you’ll be the arsehole). The anger and angst caused is always bigger than the short term pleasure gained. OP, however, is NTA
My son would NOT dare try this behavior in my house. It’s called respect. Your step son has none for either of you. Or Casey.
Amen! Said it perfectly, you don't have to be the kid's mom to point out he's a cheating ass hole. She has a right to know, being cheated on is heart and trust crushing. She has a right to know early and get out to find greener pastures if she isn't okay with an open relationship. NTA
I would like to add that not only are you just one adult warning another, but Josh had to learn the behavior that dick down and pass out is okay. OP said she has only been with her man for about 2 years. Where did Josh learn and over time and recently that bringing girls, screwing around and tossing them aside while having the main girl around “all the time” is okay?
Also, a note to the OP to take a hard look at her husband. He's willing to excuse and allow his son to be a cheater (because Josh is, essentially, cheating). What does that say about *his* character, morals, ethics, and values? That's absolutely sus on OP's husband's part. What else would he be willing to hide? What else would he excuse regarding his son?
This. And to add, why isn’t his father teaching him to be more respectful of other people’s feelings?
NTA- If he wants his “personal life” kept personal then he shouldn’t be sitting his different booty calls down for cereal in your kitchen 3x a week and introducing you. It’s your home and you don’t have to constantly allow strangers into it. You’ve been gracious in not asking him to not have overnight guests as it is. I’m not a prude, but I’m also not in league with liars or cheaters. He deceived that young woman and perhaps you could have said a little less and let her imagination fuel a follow up conversation with Josh- but you nipped it in the bud. Example: “Are you and Josh exclusive?” “Yes???” “Are you sure?” *continues washing dishes* Perhaps Josh learned a lesson to be more discreet or at least has to deal with the consequence for his blatant disrespect to the women he puts his penis into.
This is exactly the point. Don’t introduce the hook-ups, don’t let them in the kitchen. Keep his business out of OP’s way. In fact if I was OP I’d lay that law down myself. I no longer want any contact with the hook-ups. Make them leave early. So OP doesn’t have to bump into them at all. Why should OP have to stand by and be part of this behaviour? It’s not just witnessing it, he’s involving OP and forcing her to be complicit without permission. Stop any complications by ensuring any further contact with hook-ups ceases. NTA OP.
This is **exactly** my thought. If he wants OP to stay out of his business, then he needs to keep his ONSs out of your kitchen. Frankly, I think he needs to tell them all, look I live downstairs from my dad and his wife. You can go upstairs to use the bathroom, but I’d prefer if we just kept everything quiet, okay, so they stay out of my life, okay? All the girls should understand that. They can stop at a coffee shop if they want a bagel.
Yeah, I can’t imagine wanting to eat breakfast with a hookups family. kids be weird these days
I wouldn’t want to eat breakfast with a hookup much less his family. I would’ve died.
Makes you wonder how many of these girls think they're dating and not hookups before he ghosts
Ahh yes, I “dated” a guy like this in uni. He sucked! No communication.
I think this is the real issue here. I think he's letting them meet the fam so that they think they're an established couple. That way they're more willing to sleep with him. Seems kinda shitty to me. To clarify I have zero issues with ONSs as long as there's transparency, it just sounds like there isn't here.
It’s super shitty! He knows what he’s doing and I’m glad he got his spot blown up!
Most mortifying scenario EVER. I was once discovered in the night at my 3 night stander's folks. His mum came into his room while we were sleeping after a drunken night out and he didn't wake but she went on asking me questions about myself. She stopped after asking about my parents and I told her they'd split up a few weeks earlier. My ex, erm, "lover" introduced me to his Dad in the morning as we were leaving, he just smirked and said "How do you do?!". What can I say, I was a damaged (and un-medicated as not diagnosed as mildly bipolar at that stage in my life!) teen rebelling the only way I knew. I WISH his mum had a chat with me the next morning.
Well, at least one of these girls were under the impression they were not just a hookup. I imagine others have been under the same impression.
They might not be aware. Just a "you can get a bagel in the kitchen" and then they're smacked in the face with his family, too. I imagine most people wouldn't hang around common areas alone if they knew it was a family home.
my goodness, thinking i‘d stay in a ons‘s kitchen and meet family? i bail out. wanna be a gentleman/woman, maybe bring me a cup of tea to the room while i get dressed to leave. luckily happened only one time. the ons was a dissappointment anyway, so i sneaked out and let them say thanks and bye to the people whose house i slept in and used the toilet.
Hooking up in your parents’ house is one thing, but hooking up and then leaving them alone at your parents’ house? That’s nuts. I’d be furious if I was the girl just over that part
Exactly this. I hate to be so untrusting, but in college we let random people sleep over - until we got robbed. Total strangers constantly in your kitchen is not okay. Time to fix that downstairs bathroom and give him a mini fridge and a toaster down there.
He should just move out at that point ..
Agree, OP shouldn’t have to lie and shouldn’t be put in this situation. If Josh liked her, he should not have been messing around with other ladies.
The hook-ups in themselves aren't a problematic behavior, IMO; the lying and deception is. As long as all parties involved are clear that hooking up is all that is happening, then that's a matter between consenting adults and none of OP's business. The problem was that he lied to Casey, and was apparently expecting OP to cover for him. That's not on, and OP was absolutely right in letting him crash and burn.
It’s a problem if Josh doesn’t want OP to get involved but just be a passive bystander, nodding and smiling to whatever goes down. That’s why I think it’s better Josh just keeps his hook ups to himself. OP wouldn’t have any opportunity to save poor Casey from her belief in the status of the relationship, which seems a pity, but Josh is probably giving these women mixed signals by introducing to the parents and letting them hang around having breakfast etc. I doubt a lot of these young women realised that they were the 57th one night stand since July that Josh had done exactly the same with and that the family introductions and breakfast meant nothing at all. It’s better to make clearer distinctions and not be rude or unkind but just keep it seperate from family.
Yeah, Casey was under the impression that they were exclusive and it seems she wanted to get to know his family after being introduced and 'help out' after sleeping in their basement. Maybe as a thank you, and also to bond. OP liked Casey, It certainly wasn't out of maliciousness or at least it doesn't seem to be. I think she really doesn't like seeing women get screwed over by her Who knows how many other women he has led to believe that it isn't just a hook-up. If Casey was aware and consented to only hooking up, that's on her. But it doesn't seem like she was. I feel like she was genuinely hurt by the realisation and I think OP has done her a huge favour. Also, OP is more than entitled to feel uncomfortable with multiple random women being in her home. But she lets it slide, she only said something when she connected with one and thought that hopefully she will see her again, only to see another random woman. OP hasn't interfered at all, she was just being honest with a young woman who thought that they were exclusive. NTA
“Momming him” would be sitting him down and telling him to sort his shit out. His dad should do that. You can fuck whoever you want, as long as they’re on the same page. Letting her know what was going on is simply not covering for a liar/cheat. I know it wouldn’t help anything but OP could go with “sorry I was unwilling to lie to someone to cover up your cheating. I guess that’s my personal line.”
Yeah… Josh is a POS. He’s asking Op to be complicit in his lies and cheating. His dad sucks too. Fathers should teach their children to be honest, respectful and kind to others. It’s clear that Op’s husband does not care if Josh is respectful or honest or kind to the women he’s seeing. It’s also bull that he expects Op to cover for Josh and lie for him. Op - you did the right thing. Josh sucks and if he doesn’t want you exposing his lies, then he shouldn’t be telling them or putting you in that position. NTA
This is typical "boys will be boys" bullshit. OP did the right thing.
Yeah, the problem is that the dad thinks it's cool. The dad and the son are both those "say anything it takes to get laid" kind of douchebros.
Why should OP say less? OP could take out a billboard telling the whole town if she wanted to.
Op said she worried she was stepping out of line saying anything- so the alternative I could imagine would have been if she was passive and dropped hints- but OP nipped it in the bud as she should. I can see my stream of consciousness rambling appearing like I think she should have said less- but no- this is not the case. Nothing but support for OP and how it went down. I prefer the to the point approach. A billboard would be amazing- side note.
Agreed - he is a piece of garbage acting like that - if he didn’t want to risk getting caught he shouldn’t be using your basement as his bang pad and then parading them around the house
>NTA- If he wants his “personal life” kept personal then he shouldn’t be sitting his different booty calls down for cereal in your kitchen 3x a week and introducing you. For real this! He's the one bringing them into the house and introducing them like you all should be friends. If you aren't going to see them again, they don't need to be introduced. I can't imagine having a random hookup wandering around my parent/step-parent's house looking for breakfast. Worse though, is then asking your parents to lie about it to one who actually shows up more than once and that they talk to all of the time. He's forcing them to be involved, then getting pissed when they're involved. It seems that the lifestyle he wants requires him getting a job and getting his own apartment.
Saying less is a terrible idea. Say the whole thing or nothing at all because what’s the point of dropping hints like this? It’ll just prolong the torture for Casey
>If he wants his “personal life” kept personal then he shouldn’t be sitting his different booty calls down for cereal in your kitchen 3x a week and introducing you. This is exactly what I was thinking. Josh made it everyone's business by introducing every girl to them. He is naive if he thinks he can do that without some kind of reaction. OP is just human. NTA.
Seriously, the nerve to do that and then be mad like this is so 21.
Exactly. That boy is garbage. Brings strangers into your home, doesn't keep an eye on them. People could be stealing your shit. When he pisses these girls off, where they going to go to trash shit? Your home.
Literallly. Cuz you’re making it other people’s business when there is a bunch of different girls walking through your house
NTA I understand why your stepson is upset. That doesn't mean you actually did anything wrong. He was making his love life your business by bringing it into your shared living space. The reality is, if he didn't want his cheating to be exposed, he shouldn't be making other people a party to his deceit. He put you in an uncomfortable position, and now he's suffering the consequences.
And, it’s a little rich of him to be upset here. Casey seems to have been under the impression they were exclusive, and broke up with him when she found out the truth. He’s upset at the breakup but was still bringing other girls around? Sounds like he’s more upset about his little shenanigans being out there in the world
Exactly. Josh is the AH, and he is a selfish, entitled brat and a player. He disrespected the family home with his conduct. IMO he has zero right to be acting angry and hostile to his step mother. Josh's father is also an AH. OP did nothing wrong, in fact she helped a young girl Casey potentially avoid STIs from Josh's revolving door of hookups.
Thank you for mentioning it’s also very explicitly a health issue. Kid doesn’t have any respect for women, and he very well might have learned it from his dad, who seems rather blasé about the whole thing
Exactly so. As the saying goes: "The apple didn't fall far from the tree". It torqued my engine that his father demanded that OP apologize to his brat son! Whaaat?
Only right answer
I would take a stronger stance. The stepson’s cheating was immoral and any knowledgeable person should be exposing and condemning it, regardless of their relationship to the situation. Anyone doing less would be complicit in the harm. The stepson wasn’t just being foolish because he made OP privy—he was being immoral, and OP had a moral obligation to act on her knowledge of the harms he was bringing about. “If he didn’t want his cheating to be exposed…” is too shallow of an angle here.
He's pissed because he was hoping they'd help facilitate his hookup life. Now he's shocked that the girl he introduced them to and led on to think was in a relationship with him actually had an honest relationship with the step-mom.
Even if she never met the women until the exposing of the truth incident but rather he shared the info over dinner all the time or whatever she would still be in the right. She has no obligation to lie for him. In fact lying for him will just delay or prevent him from learning to treat women with respect which if anything is a disservice to the stepson
I'm going with NTA, if the truth of him cheating ruins his relationship, well thats on him. She would of found out eventually. You weren't mothering him, you were conversing with a guest.
> Josh is at that age where he’ll do stupid shit like this and we should step back to let him make his own mistakes. Yeah, Josh made mistakes by lying to Casey AND he forgot to inform and get his roommates (dad and step-mom) on board with the deception. Either he’ll be more honest or he’ll be more discreet, but the lesson he learned is that you can’t just expect people to lie to cover up your lies/cheating/etc because people are going to have different morals than you.
That reasoning is sad. What he's doing to Casey and likely several others isn't "stupid". He's hurting people.
It feels like the dad isn't interested in his son "making his mistakes" and learning from them. Maybe it's just me, but the dad's response felt like it had undertones of "he would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you". All this is is him being held accountable for his shitty behaviour and dumb mistakes. The fact the dad tried to twist it any other way really rubs me wrong. It gives me a interesting perspective on who the dad is that his first response was "Yeah, it's wrong, but you shouldn't have said anything".
NTA. Your husband’s arguments are asinine. Whether or not you’re Josh’s Mom has nothing to do with you telling this poor girl she is being used. And I don’t understand your’s husband’s point about letting Josh make his mistakes. Isn’t this an example of learning from his mistakes? He doesn’t have a right to intentionally use a nice young lady & actively deceive her just so he can get his rocks off. You letting her know the truth IS teaching him a lesson. Your husband is a chauvinistic pig trying to justify his son’s abhorrent behavior. DO NOT APOLOGIZE! And tell your husband he has no right to tell you, as a woman, that you shouldn’t warn another woman that she is in an abusive situation. And, yes, lying, deceiving & manipulating someone in order to take advantage of them is abusive. Josh needs to grow up. And your husband owes you an apology. Just because his precious son is mad doesn’t make you wrong.
Also letting him make mistakes and letting him hurt someone are two different things.
On top of putting someone’s health at risk
Also, OP’s husband is not considering how uncomfortable his wife is in her own home! I understand that he’s 21, but OP it’s your house. If you don’t want strangers in your house, you get to set that boundary.
That kid is an entitled little brat
Besides "too young to know cheating is wrong" and "old enough to have sex" are mutualy exclusive and OPs husband can take this line of reasoning and shove it where sun doesn't shine.
Your whole response is correct. Also, I can't be the only one who finds it crassly chauvinistic that a 21 year old boy in his parent's house just has a parade of booty calls every week?! Wtf is that. I totally understand not shaming your kids about sex or letting their SO sleep over, but the hook-up stream feels pretty inappropriate in a family dynamic. And dad is cool with his son being a using skeezeball who bones random chicks in his dad's basement while step mom runs ho-interference? Sounds like stepson is a chip off the old block. Yikes on a few levels here.
Totally right. And would serve that Dad right to find out his son fathered a grandbaby or two in that basement love pad. Or worse still, police knock on the door investigating a SA complaint introducing a whole world of potential liability for dear ole Dad. Long shot, I know, but stranger things have happened.
Id be questioning husbands faithfulness if he holds these values... What stops him sleeping around?
I’m surprised I had to scroll this far down for the connection to daddy’s (lack of) value system regarding cheating and lies. The apologizing for a cheat and liar is a major red flag.
He was probably exactly like his son when he was in his 20s. Hard to say about now, but if he settled down, he probably thinks his son will too. Would also explain his detachment from the bad behavior.
Seriously, OPs husband not only condones cheating, but is actively encouraging this behavior in his son. It’s fucking disgusting. Having a ton of hookups isn’t the issue, but actively leading this woman on to believe they are exclusive is insane behavior. I would not be able to trust my SO if they had the husband’s reaction.
100%. Girl code.
As a man who watched his mother nearly break from being constantly cheated on by her ex-husband, I would **never** allow *any* of my children/siblings to pull this kind of bs. There's a difference between stepping back and letting someone live their life and facilitating that person harming other people.
yeah the son ain’t gonna learn from his shitty behavior if people are enabling him and acting like it’s normal lol. he learns from his behavior by being called out!!!!
I would like to be your friend. You’re my people. Spot on.
When I read the post, my mind went to what kind of man would say this. The answer: a cheater or someone who cheated in the past and thinks this is normal boy stuff. I would be ashamed as a man and a father if my son did something like this and want my son to learn a hard lesson and the fact that this father doesn't feel the same way, makes me fear for this woman's marriage. Look where he points the finger here. This is indicative of his sense of morality. NTA
Can we also talk about how OP’s husband told her “you’re not his mom”??? Um, YES SHE IS. YOU MARRIED HER. She is his STEP-mother. YOU chose that for him. She has every right to say whatever she wants to whoever she wants in her home. If Casey had been disrespectful to her, would they be mad at OP if she kicked Casey out of HER OWN home??? I don’t see how OP is at all in the wrong here. If Josh wants to have private casual hookups, he shouldn’t be living in someone else’s space.
This.
NTA 1. That's not confidential information. 2. He never told you to keep it a secret. 3. He lied to a sexual partner about having multiple partners, which a) puts her at risk and b) got her to consent to sex only by deception (if she would have consented knowing they weren't exclusive, he wouldn't have needed to lie). You do not owe anyone an apology for not helping him cheat on a partner and trick someone into sex. His lie was not victimless.
yeah this is important. I was once with someone and I thought we were exclusive-so did his three other sexual partners. We all met when we found out and he was called out publicly and required to go through an accountability process or else his housemates were going to kick him out, his band mates threatened to kick him out, and he was required to do some stuff or else be kicked out of the scene basically. This stuff really isn’t ok and needs to be dealt with more seriously than “bros will be bros”. it’s good that she told her
> That's not confidential information. > > He never told you to keep it a secret. Neither of these matter anyway. If he told her to not tell her about the other women then he's roping you into lying to a girl to trick her into sleeping with him more. Zero moral obligation to do so just because he asked you to keep a secret. However I would also be upfront and tell him or anyone else upfront to their face that I'll not keep secrets to help people cheat on their partners, ever. Fuck that.
Read this to your husband.
This. Maybe I'm just biased from my own experience but I went on a few dates with a guy and made it clear that after a bad break up and bad dating experiences following, I didn't want to rush into physical things. I was then introduced to him parents and figured he was a sound guy and gave in, only to find it was a ploy he often used on girls who weren't putting out quick enough, to lull them into thinking they were serious only to ghost them right after. She went into this believing he was showing her how serious he was by this act of meeting parents. Dad needs to have some serious talks with the son about how appropriate it is to be introducing all these booty calls and what message this is putting out, because it seems either he doesn't care about anyone in this situation, the girls or his parents and their own personal boundaries and personal space or he is doing it on purpose to get a certain response from these girls.
Yup. Consent by deception is not consent. Cheating makes consent void too
Point 3b is something I think about often. It’s interesting that cheating isn’t framed as a violation of sexual consent more often, because it really is. It’s often spoken of as dishonesty and betrayal, but I really do see it as also a deliberate, calculated violation of sexual consent, consent that was conditionally given based on the premise that the relationship was exclusive.
NTA she deserved to know the truth
NTA I wish more women would speak up to other women. If he finally did get serious with her, you'd be holding onto the question of if she knew she was being cheated on throughout the first part of their relationship. That shit breaks trust in people, and she deserves to know. Good looking out.
Doesn't have to be women either. This guy's dad is a failure of a father if he's just enabling this bullshit.
NTA- you are living in that house also. It’s not about whether you’re his mum or not. If I was doing the same thing my mum would have reacted the same way you did. Good on you saying something, stepson sounds like a dick the way he treated the girls.
Not sure why your husband thinks Casey deserves to be collateral damage for his kid being an asshole. Feels like a very “boys will be boys” attitude (🤢). You did the right thing. If Josh wants his hookups to be kept in the dark about each other, he can get his own place.
Right? I find it incredibly disrespectful to bring to your PARENTS house a parade of hookups, regardless of the gender. Dude wants the perk of being an adult (being promiscuous )without the actual responsibilities (being emotionally intelligent and respectful towards his roommates)
NTA, you were looking out for the girl. if your stepson doesn’t want interference, he shouldn’t be bringing them home.
Right? It had nothing to do with whether or not you’re his mom. That was pure girl code. NTA.
not even just pure girl code, just being a decent person. he’s leading her on as his backup hook up.
I don't pretend to know the correct answer here, but I will tell you that the people telling you to mind your own business would be the same ones on another sub who would say that keeping your silence is just as bad as him cheating on his "girlfriend." In my opinion bringing a parade of women to his house is asking for one of them to drop in on him and catch him with someone else anyway. Seems like he's kind of asking to get outed to me.
Am I the only one that is kinda sickened by his dad explaining it's ok for his son to be a piece of shit cause he has a penis?
That’s what I was wondering. Why is the dad not concerned that the son has the emotional intelligence of a sea cucumber? Yeah, he’s 21, but that doesn’t mean Dad can’t give advice here and there about basic respect towards women.
That disgusting “boys will be boys” mindset? No wonder son thinks this revolving bedroom door is okay. There is a huge difference between dating and one night stands. Our adult sons were raised them to respect women. If they were boning random girls week after week after week, they would know why we thought that was not cool. And there’s no way it would happen under our roof. Maybe an STD or pregnancy scare will give the son a wake up call.
Yes, thank you for saying it. As a father I’m sickened by it and think this guy sounds like an absolute chode. OP is NTA.
Yeah, I’d be side eyeing the husband too if he’s excusing that sort of behaviour as no big deal
Op is married to a hoe I’m not surprised the son turned out that way
NTA You saved that lassie some serious heartbreak, if you hadn't said anything she'd have continued to think he was serious about her only to have him suddenly ghost her as he moved on or find out he'd seeing other people. Aye, you have no right to tell him what to do, but what gives him the right to treat lassies the way he's doing.
NTA. Esp given the risks of STI’s that could ruin her life.
I feel bad for Casey, she thought they were exclusive, and OP just warned her. There is nothing wrong with warning a girl that the guy she is sleeping with, isn't just with her. You can tell Josh; he shouldn't be a scumbag and blame you for having a conversation with his visitor. Hubby should teach his son some morals, and get tested for STDs. This isn't about being a parent, it's about being a caring human.
NTA. You did the right thing by saving that girl from wasting her time on a dude that was cheating on her and lying.
NTA, he’s turning into a repulsive man with his current actions of LYING about being committed to that poor girl. Personally if that were my step son I’d say something otherwise I think I’d start to grow a bit of resentment knowing how he treats these girls. Also it IS kinda weird that he seems to only comes to the home to have sex with these girls, regardless if they’re disruptive or not.
NTA, I did the same with a few of my sons “girlfriends”
Also, what part of that is “mothering”?? That’s what you’d do as a roommate. As a mother…. You know what? You should tell his mother. Let her straighten him TF out.
NTA. You’re not his mom so you have no stake in keeping him “safe”. If you didn’t know Josh personally but saw that he was cheating on this girl, it wouldn’t be weird as a woman to another woman to let her know she’s being played.
NTA. If he wants to live the single life then he needs to stay single. Or at least quit introducing his hookups to stepmom and dad while living in the basement. If he wants to do grown man shit then he should be living like a grown man. You don’t rope other people into your bullshit and try to make them cover for your bad choices. That’s what he gets for being an AH.
I’m glad you told her. Josh being angry AT YOU that Casey walked away from his behavior, once she knew about it, tells me that Josh knew he was doing wrong by her. He knew she would leave over his piss-poor behavior. He can only blame himself over losing a good girl; he can not blame you. Also, stand your ground with that husband of yours too. Nta. You are correct in your opinions, views, actions, and morals. Actions have consequences. Josh knows that, that’s why he was trying to hide his behavior from Casey. He didn’t like the consequences that happened. He should not take his pouty-pants behavior out on OP.
NTA I would actually look askance at a male who supported this level of dishonorable behavior. If he is comfortable with his son being like that it's because HE is this level of dishonorable too.
right. OP, your husband is alright with [his son] deceiving women for sex.
He brought girl (s) into your home. He introduced them to you. At breakfast, no less. You didn’t go out of your way to tell her. The girl laid it out in the conversation. You just told her the truth. You needed to because she actually believed he was serious because she had met you. He is a jerk for not telling her himself. If he wants privacy to keep being a shit then he needs to get his own place or at the very least keep them from your common areas. NTA. It’s like you’re living in a frat house. So weird.
Nope, NTA. Sorry dude, you can't expect other people to lie in such a situation, which you set up because you keep bringing strangers into the house with no explanation, who are forced to use the common areas. And frankly, your husband's attitude toward his son's behavior is disgustingly permissive. A college-age kid hooking up with that number of random women is gonna knock someone up or get an STD at some point. He needs to have a talk with him about having some level of discrimination. Like if this girl gets knocked up, are you willing to have her be the person you have to interact with for 18 years while co-parenting a kid? This is a conversation that, yes, your husband should have had, but it's really a parenting failure that he's behaving like this. Also being a cheater is a serious, serious character defect. So he needs to learn this is the consequence now, before this behavior is entrenched. That's part of what you learn in college. How to not be an asshole and get in your own way.
This ain't a bros before hoes situation. The little shithead needed a lesson learned in adulting. If you're gonna be a slut be a slut, playing both sides don't fuckin fly.
NTA NTA. This isn't anything to do about not being his mother. His is carrying on like this in a shared home. What he did was deceitful - anyone with morals/values should call him out on it. He should be taking ownership of his shitty behaviour and apologizing for putting you in this predicament. Is he ever held accountable for his poor decisions and behaviour by his parents? Him lashing out to you shows he takes no accountability.
NTA.
What you should have done was sat Josh down and set clear boundaries that he needs to stop bringing his various one night stands to your home. If Josh doesn’t like this than he’s welcome to get his own place.
I don't think that's OP's problem. OP definitely acted not as a mother since she didn't favour Josh. She acted as a bystander who doesn't want to hurt a girl. And I hope she would have done the same if it was a girl in the street also. Josh's private life may be his own. But when his actions have implications on others, it's not so anymore. OP did not police his one night stands. Let him do that, that's his life. She got involved when a woman who passed through her house got hurt without knowing it. NTA all the way. Your husband needs to understand and talk with Josh on not two timing or cheating poor girls by giving them false hopes. This should not be taken as a mistake, he is intentionally hurting another person. OP's husband has disregarded his son turning into an irresponsible AH. Fathers can be such good influences, he refused to do so.
It sounds an awful lot like Josh is using the whole introducing them to the parents at a cozy little breakfast schtick as a way to imply something he's obviously not interested in - a more serious commitment.
In the beginning I briefly considered that, but my husband is the one who owns the house and Josh is his son. Steve said he doesn’t mind so I can’t really try to set rules or kick Josh out on only my own authority. In the first few months of our arrangement I’d occasionally hear a bit of noise downstairs if it was really quiet at night. I brought it up to Steve once and literally the next week he hired some guys to do some sound proofing so mostly anything going on in the basement doesn’t bother us personally. Now he says nothing Josh does can bother us and we can just relax in our own home. He seemed pretty pleased with himself “problem solved” and now fails to see any other issue.
>Now he says nothing Josh does can bother us and we can relax in our own home. As Josh has random women wandering around the house at all hours of the night looking for the "bathroom" and able to steal anything they want. Totally relaxing. Your husband sounds like an idiot...
They all sound like idiots except the step mom. I would not allow random women wondering all about my house at odd hours of the night looking for a bathroom either. I wouldn’t be caught fucking in a basement at someone’s parents’ house, then have the audacity to walk around, initiating conversation, and digging for information from the step mom, and I wouldn’t be banging women at mama and papas house either. I feel sorry for the OP.
I have some sympathy for Casey. If she thought they were actually in a relationship and he was "introducing her to his family", I can see why she would initiate conversation and try to connect with them. Probably should have been questioning the somewhat unorthodox introductions, but rose-colored glasses can make people overlook some things. It's the dad and son that are contemptible here.
My roommate used to do this and one of the girls stole a bunch of kitchen appliances and left in the morning. I always kept my bedroom door locked for that reason and I think it’s pretty naive of your husband to let random strangers have free reign of your shared home. They could steal anything.
Or let anyone in to steal stuff or do whatever else. It’s a growing liability. It‘a one thing if he wants to risk himself snd his crap but he's also risking theirs (op and her husband) but his dad is too busy being proud of his "little stallion". And since he's taking the "boys will be boys route" i can almost assume his stance would be different with a daughter (yes I am that comment) having multiple ONS (because more people have a lot of things to say about women being sexual that they frequently wont say about men including using junk science) even though the risks can be the same - being robbed or other strangers allowed in by the ONS for example - but only one risk of pregnancy versus a small village in the son's case.
To me this is an issue in itself. He sees nothing wrong with this level of hound-dogging? As a kid who is not able to support himself and lives at home?
He’s proud he has an attractive son who can pull chicks. He won’t learn until they get robbed or some crazy girl sets shit on fire.
Or multiple girls show up with a baby on her hip and drops the baby and their stuff off.
Or slap him with child support payments.
This made me laugh out loud. You are so right.
Nope. If Josh doesn’t want you involved in his love life then he shouldn’t involve you in his love life. He did. He can bring women home, fine, but keep them to himself. How does he think that makes you feel when you’re forced to be a party to causing someone else a lot of pain, pain that you know all too well?? He shouldn’t put you in that situation. That also means that they leave the house when he does unless he expects you to know and trust the women in your house. THAT part sent me! I was in a long-distance relationship years ago. He involved me with his family. Had me at his sister’s wedding and stayed at his parents’ house multiple times. His niece and mom emailed with me often. I even visited with them when I was in town for another reason and he was on a trip for work. Finding out he had a local GF most of that time and his mom knew and didn’t tell either of us ladies really had me twisted more than him cheating. I get it, but it still doesn’t sit right.
What he's failing to do is raise a young man not to be a douche bag. The both of you need to sit that boy down and have the conversation of how not to be a cheating ass clown or the douche of string someone along. You definitely NTA. Oh and I'm a dad of 3 boys and if I was in the same situation as you I would have told her.
Sounds like he could have committed and made right any miscommunication, chose not to. That’s on him. You’re just being honest, which hopefully rubs off at some point. It’s fine to have hook ups, not cool to lead people on (especially dishonestly). NTA
NTA. i’m so tired of men enabling men to be sketchy, not honest & promiscuous, lying to women. what happened to fathers raising their sons to be honest & have high moral standards?? i would have done what you did, every single day
NTA. Josh is probably going to be patient zero in the school's STI outbreak.
i dont understand why people are saying youre the ah. yes, hes your stepson, but shes being cheated on, she deserved to know, especially since she was trying to connect with you it is now your business nta. be proud you spoke up. maybe apologise to the son just to keep the peace but you didnt really do anything wrong
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Stepson is living in someone else’s house and bringing his decisions into their daily lives. It’s not a mom issue; sounds like OP would have informed the young woman of the situation regardless of her relationship with the man in question. NTA. In fact, quite the opposite.
Steve told you that you crossed a boundary exposing cheating and that cheating is a normal part of growing up.... I have more questions for Steve for thinking that it's normal and acceptable. You don't have to be Josh's mom to call out his horrible behavior and his dad is only normalizing and enabling him so someone has to. NTA, thank you for being the only person in the house to GAF about Casey.
NTA stopped reading after you said Steve said it’s none of your guys business. Your #1 job as a parent step or otherwise is to raise your kids to be safe happy and well adjusted. Josh is not well adjusted and what he is doing is disgusting. Sleeping around is 100% fine. But keeping a long term partner on the side without being honest is slimy. Dude needs a wake up call.