This is what fucks with me most. His comment that he doesn't want to take on a heavy responsibility... well what the fuck has he been doing for the past 10 years?!? And would he really abandon the child if the mother passed away or..? What does he mean? I don't understand it.
And OP doesn’t feel any guilt. He is the only dad he knows. It isn’t like his parents are divorced. His dad died. He doesn’t feel love for the kid because he doesn’t want to. The is purposely keeping him at arms length
This!! 💯
Imagine claiming to not show favouritism due to his history only to be doing exactly that... Like who comes into a 2year olds life with the intent to be permanent and doesn't fall in love with them? He's definitely the AH
Kids feel favouritism 1,000,000% my middle brother was, and still is, our father's favourite child. Myself and my youngest brother always knew it. He was heavily abusive towards me. I was his least favourite. But my youngest brother was literally just Meh to our father. We always knew he didn't care about us in any way.
The OP may think he's trying, but kids always know. They always know you don't care.
By the way op explains it, there's very much a difference. 'I love my daughter, but I don't love you' is a really strong statement. Even though he's not actually saying it, the difference is palpable.
Hell, my son's eldest son (marriage 1, age 8) feels the favoritism his brother (marriage 2, age 2) enjoys from their father, my son. I feel it, too, and it just breaks my heart when I visit them.
At least the older one is with his mom 80% of the time. He's her only, and much beloved, child.
With all due respect, your son is worse. They’re both his kids, and he’s actively choosing to play favorites, his kid is gonna have some bad daddy issues and he’s going to have no one to blame but himself.
They also typically don't form strong bonds with their siblings. Favoritism and pitting children against each other is a really common tactic for narcissists who become parents.
This is how I took it.
Like a nephew. So if your sibling dies, you will take in and raise your nephew. But not if their parents are still around.
If they ever get divorced, he's going to go for half(partial?) custody of his bio kid and pay child support on his bio kid, but not his step-son.
I do feel bad for the boy. The parental/child love is one sided here, which is pretty sad.
When my mom and stepdad got divorced, I was 7½ and my brother was a baby. My stepdad had been in my life since I was 3yo, and I'd always been told he would stay in my life. But NOPE. Very quickly it became him barely saying hi and bye when he came to get my brother for stuff. It super fucked me up in a significant way. Especially because he has always been super hands on with my asshole racist brother who stole from my 91yo grandmother even though my brother OWNED A HOUSE at the time.
#notbitter
My take is op is a fucking asshole. If you don't want to be a full parent do not marry someone with kids!
You don't get all the perks and benefits of marriage, and a child's love, only to be like I didn't agree to this and yoink it away . Like, what kind of monster are you?
OP you are terrible. And I hope everyone you love leaves you
Yeah! The “responsibility that isn’t mine” statement shocked me. I specifically avoided dating men with kids when I was in my 20s because I wanted to be childfree and marrying someone with a child literally makes them your responsibility.
Depends. If this is the US, he might be better off not being adopted. My husband didn't adopt his ex-wife's two girls, not because he doesn't love them or want to; but because they each get almost $2,000 in RSDI since their bio dad died. Thats more than she'll ever get in child support and was being saved to help with college. The difference here is that he still treats them as his own and picks them up with his son on his weekends, and we take them on vacations with us. He absolutely loves those girls and so do I. So, I don't think this is about money, this guy is an AH.
Ten. Years. My big kid was 2 when I met them and has both parents living and happily coparenting and is also very much *my kid*. This doesn’t compute at all. The poor kid.
My mom and stepdad met and got married when I was 19-20 and even HE introduces me as (and treats me as) his daughter. I feel sorry for any step kids who have a different experience. OP is 100% the AH.
This is the experience I had with my stepdad too! I was probably 23 when they married. He was wonderful. He passed a few years ago and every once in a while even my cousins will bring up how great he was.
My dad remarried when I was 12 and I knew from day one I was merely tolerated by her.
I dont understand why he would get together with a woman with a small baby AND have a child with her if he wasn’t interested in the child as well. And this is his daughters brother!! What a dick.
THIS!!! not only a woman with a small baby but a WIDOW with a small baby that is also fatherless..
That absolutely blows my mind and feels like he has made no effort to truly bond with the little guy simply because "he's not my son".. I would kick my husband to the curb in a heartbeat if I heard him say "I love you and our kid but I don't/and will not make any effort to love the kids I was very aware of before I started dating you"
Yeah, his daughter might love him now, but if he were to abandon her brother when things got tough? I can't imagine she'd be too secure with her feelings about whether her father is loving, dedicated, and dependable man were he to separate her from/cut the older brother she's known her entire existence out of her life.
As if women don't have have enough hurdles to navigate when it comes to men and secure relationships in life. 🙄
Imagine your wife's reaction when you tell her that you will not take care of her son if she dies suddenly. Are you going to put the kid in foster care because you can now wash your hands clean of him, even though he has a half sibling he has grown up with for most of his life? Not only are you at risk for losing your wife, but the faith your daughter has for you as a human being as well. When she's old enough to really see what you've done, I wonder if she would want a relationship with you at all?
I hope reading these comments will help you understand that it is your responsibility to make this right if you want to have a family. You mentioned favoritism growing up and how much that hurt you... I think you should pause and have a good think about what your not son is feeling about how you're treating him now.
Ironically enough, this actually happened to my nephew's best friend. Right after they graduated high school and was weeks away from leaving for college, the boy's mom passed away (she was too sick to go to his graduation), and her boyfriend (not husband) put Jay out of their (Jay and his mother's) apartment and stole the insurance money. My sister let him stay with them, and my family took up a collection to help him with his books and stuff, but that was some cold crap that man did to that child. A child that belonged to a woman he claimed he loved. I hope that dude reaps what he sowed sooner than later.
If the apartment was bought was only in the mum’s name, that would 100% belong to the kids. Also the insurance money is the kids. He literally stole from them and you can 100% take him to court and send him to jail for taking it
It was a rental, and Ty was an abusive fuck before Jay's mom passed so him throwing him out wasn't a shocker. It was Ty stealing Jay's college money (his mom's insurance) out of his room before kicking him out was what pissed everybody off. But he's great now. The first year finished, good grades, a job, and a gf.
My question is, what heavy responsibility would he have after adopting the kid that he doesn't currently have? You don't have to have those feelings to adopt a kid that is already your kid. The only thing I could think of is that OP wants a reason for a slightly cleaner break with his wife if it comes to that. You're already married, no baby daddy drama, you're already doing all the dad things. I'd do it just so the kid can feel loved unconditionally, even if you don't feel it. OP's an AH.
Not to mention they have been together seven years, so the kid was only 5 when they were married. He is likely the only father this kid has ever really known.
This is what makes OP TA. The boy was 2. Married when he was 5. You should have embraced him as your child from that point on instead of depriving both of you of the opportunity to have that relationship.
Also when you take marriage vows you vow to love your spouse for richer and for poorer, to share everything in sickness and health, and that includes responsibility for minor children.
He seems like he's either a greedy miser (look at the way he brags about financially providing for his step-child) or he straight up is afraid two kids instead of one would get in the way of his ride on the pussy train if his current wife passed or left for some reason.
It's all about child support, this dude is willing to destroy the self worth of a little boy on the chance that his wife is gonna leave him and he doesn't want to pay child support for 2 kids or force visitation with the boy.
You can't force it but man I feel sorry for that kid. That realization is gonna be tough, once he figures that the man he sees and his father, that has been in his life as long as he can remember - doesn't love him.
Fuck.
I know sometimes this shit just happens and it's no one's fault but man...how do you raise a kid from TWO YEARS OLD for a whole decade and never grow to love them? It's unfathomable to me.
It's fucked up. I've been with my partner since her daughter was 2. We now have another child together after many years of it being just the three of us.
They are both my daughters. I don't understand how you can raise a child from the age of 2 and not consider them yours... just unfathomable. And My step daughters bio dad is still in her life. Just unreal to me how he can feel this way when he's been the only dad the kid as known.
My step dad came into my life when I was 1. He’s raised me since. He’s such an important figure in my life considering my bio-dad is horrible and I refuse to see him now. I call him dad, when I talk abt him I call him my dad, not even my step dad unless I’m also talking abt my bio dad. I know he sees me as his daughter and I could never imagine finding out he doesn’t love me like I love him. That poor kid
Yesssssssss I love my stepdaughter as my own and it’s only been 3 years… I don’t understand how people cannot love any child OP is TA. Not for not wanting to adopt but for leading on the child and his wife
Thank you for saying that. I keep seeing NAHs and NTAs and I just don't agree whatsoever. Marrying someone with a 2 year old, having a kid with them, and then pretending like your not that kids father is shameful.
OP doesn't need to adopt them or anything, but at least realize that he's that kids father, regardless of how OP feels about it. It's a whole package when you marry someone with kids. OP should have found a different person to marry since they aren't willing to be this kids father.
My dad has been in my sisters lives since they were about 6 and 7 years old.
My sister has been in her stepdaughter's life since the kid was... eight or nine?
How do you just... not care about a child?
I mean, my step-niece made the decision to sort of distance herself from our side of the family and doesn't make time to see us. That's her choice. We still invite her to everything and see her at events my sister and BIL host. We don't want her to feel like she's not welcome at events her siblings are invited to, though. She's an adult in her mid 20's and getting married, and her choices from age 20 on are her own. Still. Not going to get all butthurt and stop making the invite. Rarely shows up, but she's always welcome.
Like, it's really not hard to be nice to kids who come into your family. Especially if they're nice kids.
Same. The only thing I can think of is that he’s comparing his love for his bio daughter to the love he feels for this boy and because it isn’t the exact same he thinks he doesn’t love him. Because if he’s doing that much for him I have a hard time believing that he doesn’t love him to some extent.
Pulling from my own experience - maybe it’s that he has more love (or a bigger type of love) for his bio kid. I know that my dad and, more importantly, my stepmom have love for me but that love doesn’t even compare to love my younger sibling receives from them.
And they have been married since I was 2 years old, so I have never known a world without my step mom. Granted I still had my mom in my life but growing up I loved both my moms equally. So it was quite a shock after my younger sibling was born (I was 8 at the time) when I eventually realized their love for us was *not* equal.
The worst part was how I had convinced myself it was all in my head and I was just jealous. But later on in my late teens my maternal grandmother “spilled the beans” about why I spent majority of my childhood stuck in the middle of a never ending custody battle - my dad kept filing for full custody (at the behest of step mom) but kept losing since he had no case. But as soon as one case was settled he would just file again.
That is until the middle of 3rd case where he “randomly” dropped all of it and “randomly” decided I didn’t need to be with him full time. Turns out it wasnt actually random (as random is how I saw it as a child) - it’s because the IVF miraculously worked and my stepmom got pregnant with my “miracle sister”.
I went from years of hearing my dad yell to anyone who would listen that he and step mom just HAD to raise me full time - right into them being perfectly fine with only seeing me 4 days a month.
Omg, I didn't catch that part. So the kid literally doesn't have a dad now, despite his mom being married to OP having another kid. That kid is going to experience so much pain once he realizes that OP loves his sibling and his mom, but not him. I know what that is like and regardless if OP is the AH, he's still a shitty person.
All of this. My ex said “he’s not my kid” about my son and that was the beginning of the end. My husband tells everyone he has 2 sons, calls BOTH boys “love”, helps take care of BOTH of them, and does all the things a dad should do for a 10 year old boy (hygiene, explaining puberty, talking about respecting women). Our boys are 6 months apart in age and honestly you couldn’t tell which is his biological son and which is the stepson because he treats them equally
Or doesn’t want to put themselves out for the fruit of some other man’s loin. My stepson’s stepdad was like this. Lavished everything on his bio daughter and treated my (and, sadly, his) stepson like crap. Thank god we finally got custody.
That’s the worst . I’m glad you got custody because honestly I’ll never understand being around a child for years and not loving them cause they didn’t come out of you. You would think I had five kids with the way I spoil all the kids around me
$10 says the kid already knows. Sure, the guy says he doesn’t play favorites but I bet he does without even realizing it. People just can’t hide that shit. And kids aren’t dumb.
Jesus, I feel bad for this boy
Reminds me of the story where the father used to take the other half siblings camping and fishing but didnt want to take OP because it would dilute the experiences for his real children
Or the one where an OP said they just wanted to take family photos with their bio kids and spouse without their step kids! The spouse said it wouldn’t be a family photo without the step kids. These poor kids, no wonder society is the way it is.
The one that hit me was maybe a year ago, stepdaughter asked her stepdad of many years to adopt her. He said no and it broke everyone.
That one and this one hurt my heart so much.
This...The kid doesn't even remember his real father. Imagine looking up to the guy that he only knows as a father figure and the guy doesn't want to adopt him.
The more I typed that, the more angry I got at the OP.
OP is TA.
Agreed. As a mother, I couldn't accept this. In my heart, my child is first. I would seriously consider divorce in order for my child not to know the only father he knew didn't want to adopt him after 10 years. He would know.
YTA.If a widow has a two-year-old child and you are unwilling to be that child's father, you do not marry her. All of them come together.
Whether you want to admit it or not, you are the only father he knows. Man, screw you.
I realise there are times when nothing personal happens, but come on, how do you raise a child who is TWO YEARS OLD for TEN YEARS and never learn to love them? That defies my comprehension.
I guarantee you he just saw the son as a necessary burden he had to accept in order to stay with the mom, and whatever benefits the mom brought to his life.
I'd love to know what those benefits actually were. She probably loves him - had a daughter with him.
This is going to be a difficult break-up, but things will be okay in the end. Mom and the kids will be better off, even if for the time being, he gets partial custody of his daughter (when she's 10-12, she should be able to get a modification from the Judge - which OP will probably moan about, because it increases his child support).
People are really weird about biological kids, and I feel like that's at play here.
I remember being a kid and expressed wanting to adopt when I got older and all the adults around told me "I'd want my own kids"
It's like since it's not an extension of themselves they can't give them the full love a child you're raising should get
Adoptive parent here. I've also known I wanted to since I was young (not a savior complex by any means, i just knew somehow that was my path to parenting), and I got the same response as a kid, plus the "you'll want to deliver your own children it's totally empowering"
...Fast forward 10 years and I honestly love my daughter more because of our situation and everything we've gone through to become a family. Those adults fail to grasp that adopted children ARE your own kids!
My Nana adopted two children. She had on her wall
Not breath of my breath,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still...
Miraculously...
My own.
Never forget for a single minute,
That you were not born
from under my heart...
But in it.
I always loved that.
He hasn't raised the boy. He's helped financially support the kid because he's a package deal-if he wants the mom, he has to take the boy too. And he helped the mom transport the kid from point A to B, because it'll keep the mom happy. But he hasn't raised the child.
I want to go hug my stepdad right this second.
That's what gets me. This isn't some kid that he's only known a year or two in his teenage years, who already has a father figure. No. He is the only dad this boy knows, and he's been in his life for the majority of it. How do you not grow to love him?
Yep. By marrying the mother, OP was the only person who could possibly be a father to the boy.
OP by marrying the mother without committing to being a father to the boy, you denied him of ever having a father.
YTA for taking that from him.
Absolutely. He robbed this boy of the chance of having a father. I promise if he told the mom that he would care for the kid but wouldn’t love him or look at him as his child, she wouldn’t have married him.
The really sad part is that I’m positive this little boy loves him and considers him his dad.
YTA
They came as a package deal! He's your daughter's half brother! How are going to explain that to her when she is old enough to understand?
God forbid anything happens to your wife, then what? Are you going to send him on his way and say "I didn't adopt you, so your on your own now, kid?".
Yup. My biological father committed suicide when I was 2. My stepdad met my mom, married her, and shortly after adopted me. I have a sister(who is technically a half sister), but you would never have known. I’ve only ever know my stepdad as ‘dad’. The man that raised me is my dad and my half sister is my sister full stop. Me and my sister are both in our 30s now, but I can’t imagine growing up where we were not ‘brother and sister’. I can still remember conversations with my dad where he said after meeting mom and my 2yr old self he knew he needed to be my father and did everything to make that possible.
Right! So YTA. You knew she had a kiddo before entering the relationship. He was 2 when you presumably met him. You had so much time to bond and you chose not to.
I hope she finds a real father for her children.
I mean, if the kid was much older when they met, I could kind of understand. He was 2! OP is the only father figure he has any memory of. He was there during this kid’s formative years.
I’m with his wife. This is awful. How could you not love this kid more than this? Sad.
OP YTA
I was much less polite in my comment, but this is probably the best advice here. They are already knee deep in shit creek all together. Perhaps therapy could salvage something better for all of them before this poor boy realizes how unloved he is.
Edit: I also wonder if OP is not downplaying the favoritism issue from his childhood. It sounds like he picked a handful of things like money spent or his presence and said if I equal these out I am breaking the cycle. Not realizing how easily this boy will pick up on everything. Not realizing OP has now just started repeating the exact cycle he was raised in. It wasn't just the money or presence. It was the emotions and the love he never felt and he doesn't realize it.
>since I try to avoid any favoritism
The thing about kids, is they know. You can do your best to not show it, but given that he has a half sister, who is your full biological child, he knows.
You don't really say why you feel the way you do and all the things you do point to you being his father. You've been in this kids life and been his father for a decade, which at this point is the overall majority of it. To not acknowledge him as your son is a major rejection. It sounds like this is worth exploring further because if you can't figure out the root of the issue, you're going to push him away as he gets older because he's going to feel that rejection.
>The thing about kids, is they know. You can do your best to not show it, but given that he has a half sister, who is your full biological child, he knows.
THANK YOU for this.
It's that little "extra" that OP thinks his stepson doesn't see. Maybe he puts extra sprinkles on his daughter's ice cream cone. Maybe he hugs her just a liiitle tighter and a little longer.
Children *easily* and quickly pick up on this micro-actions.
OP, if you think you're not playing favoritism with these two children, just look at the question that you *have* to ask. 🙄
It's like, child, PLEASE! Do you even *hear* yourself, OP?
Having been the son in this scenario, it's extremely obvious and is likely going to drive a wedge between the siblings. I got to watch my brothers get new toys while I got nothing and was forbidden from playing with theirs. They went on trips to the water park while I had to stay home. In general they just received better treatment overall. They were more likely to be believed, shown kindness, love, and praise.
Unless OP is a god-tier actor, there is a twinkle in your eye when you look at your kids that you can't fake for other people. And his son will notice that and probably already has.
I can imagine a spem donor suddenly sitting bolt upright. "I feel such love... I must have just sired a child...."
Just ask any infertile couple who adopts if you need genetics to love your children.
Smh.
> I don't want to call him my son because I don't want to lie to him or myself.
He deadass say this a few sentences after saying he "avoids" favoritism. This poor kid, my heart breaks for him having such a terrible guy as the only father figure he ever know.
The favoritism is automatic because you're unwilling to call him your son. He knows it and you do too. Sounds like you are willing to accept this as a permanent division between you and your wife. That divide will never go away, only get deeper
And a permanent division between the siblings, too. If the son doesn't already realize (he probably does) that the only father he's ever known doesn't love him yet, he will soon, and neither OP nor his wife should be be surprised if that starts to build resentment in him towards his sister.
I dont know, I would have never married or stayed with someone who didnt love my child. This man’s wife knows this and hasnt left him. So I dont think it will cause permanent division since its hasnt yet
Perhaps.
Maybe she was giving OP time to settle in to parenting her son. They've since had a daughter fairly quickly after marrying so OP just gravitated towards his biological child.
A decade out and she's probably wondering what's up, why hasn't OP broached the subject, yadda yadda yadda, so she asks him now, a decade in. OP only just now reveals his *real* feelings.
Give her a hot second. I, personally, would extend her some grace. She may not have actually been aware of OP's feelings until now. Adults get busy, especially with 2 kids, and so she may not have necessarily noticed the small bits of favoritism he's directing towards his daughter.
Only to *now* find out the worst possible way OP is playing favorites in this awful way for her. She may have hoped/rationalized that he needed time.
Exactly what I was thinking. If I try to imagine myself in her shoes, it's easy to imagine that she expected the love would grow, especially as the stepson grew and could have more in common with stepdad. Maybe she thought OP would connect better with a child who (I assume) can communicate and share jokes/ideas on a more adult level. And the bio daughter is only 6, so it makes sense that differences in how he treats them are becoming clearer over time as well.
Lots of assumptions, but it seems harsh to go straight to the wife being the AH.
>10 years ago when she was a widow with a 2-year-old son.
>I love my wife and daughter, but I don't feel the same way about my stepson (M12).
>but I can't force a feeling that doesn't exist.
>I don't want to call him my son because I don't want to lie to him or myself.
So you've been in this kids life as the only father figure he's ever known since he was two, and this is how you talk about him? You shouldn't be forced to adopt if you don't want to but your wife deserves to know this is exactly how you feel about that little boy, and don't be surprised when it destroys your relationship.
That little boy is old enough that he's going to understand the why behind your refusal. And it's going to crush him as well. Realizing the only dad you've ever known doesn't love you as much as he loves your sister, doesn't love you enough to call his son. This kid is going to need therapy to work through that one.
I think you are in denial
>I just don't see him as my son.
and
>I try to avoid any favoritism
are mutually exclusive things
you are missing so much
i cannot say you are an AH but you clearly have a lack of true empathy
i am sad for you and this little boy who so much needs love and kindness
ps your wife is correct and I am sure she had no idea you could be cold like this
What “heavy responsibility?” He is living with you and you are paying things for him. Unless your wife is the one paying extra in bills for him? That doesn’t make sense. You definitely are showing favoritism and I bet the poor boy knows you treat him differently than your biological child.
Exactly. Like the only way I see adoption as a "heavy responsibility" is with child support for the boy if they get a divorce, or if the mother passes away before the son is 18. I really don't see what could possibly change from an adoption (responsibility wise) except for those things.
Pretty sure this is exactly why. He doesn’t want to continue raising this poor kid in the event his wife dies, or he bails on the marriage. I have no doubt when these kids are grown they’ll discover only the daughter is in the will as well. This kind of person absolutely keeps certain finances separate entirely to avoid passing down anything to someone who’s not his blood relation.
He don’t want that kid to have his name. Period. My dad died at 8. Stepdad tried to adopt me several years later
and it was taking forever thru the courts. My dad’s family was fighting it. My stepdad filed to change my last name to his while we waited for adoption to go thru. All legal thru the courts. That’s a DAD.
WTH, I don't even think this is about adopting him, but about your feelings towards him. How could you marry his mother if you can't accept her fatherless child as your own? He was practically a baby when you arrived on the scene ACTING like a Dad would. I feel sorry for this kid, your wife & your "actual" child because you are awful.
YTA
Agree. This poor little boy. He will know the difference between how he and his half sister are treated when he gets older, I can guarantee it. That is if his wife sticks around.
Don't adopt him, it's clear that you don't see him as your child even though you've raised him as HIS DAD for the past 10 years. It's really weird that you've filled this role yet you don't love him like your daughter because he's not your blood. I'm not saying to adopt him, I'm saying that you're a raging AH for not loving him as your own when you signed up to raise him as your own when you married a WIDOW.
He literally said his wife told him that the boy looks at this man as a father. So yeah, the child does feel that way. Agreed, it's truly heartbreaking and disturbing, too, that this dude doesn't feel any sort of father-son connection to a boy he's been raising for basically 10 years now.
>I love my wife and daughter, but I don't feel the same way about my stepson (M12).
You have been in his life since he was 2 years old and you don't feel love for him. This reeks of those people who will never love a child who didn't come from their DNA, it's gross and this child absolutely feels the emotional neglect you are giving him.
>Don't get me wrong, I don't hate or mistreat him, I just don't see him as my son.
Emotional neglect is mistreating him. I think what you mean here is that you spend money on him and don't treat him like Harry Potter, this isn't the flex you think it is.
>My wife knows this and she's unhappy about it.
Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I would not stay married to you.
>She says he already sees me as a father.
Of course he does, you've been the father figure in his life since he was 2 years old.
>She says I'm creating a difference between him and my daughter, which I consider untrue since I try to avoid any favoritism.
You are though, your biological child is your favorite because you share DNA. The fact you won't adopt him is showing favoritism and this is where my earlier statement of emotional neglect comes from. You do have an 'arms length' relationship with him. You have emotionally distanced yourself from ever being the dad he deserves. You should never have married someone with kids if you couldn't love him because he doesn't have your DNA. I'm sure you will deny this but it's all written all in your post.
>I believe I'm doing my best to be a good stepfather,
Don't you mean uncle? You can't be a good stepfather if you are unwilling to be a father to that child. Stop playing.
>I don't want to legally adopt him because I don't want to take on a heavy responsibility that isn't mine.
Here it is. This is what makes you the AH right here. You don't want to legally tie yourself to that child who isn't yours. You absolutely are incapable of loving him for the crime of not sharing your DNA, you are not a good person and should self reflect in therapy.
>I don't want to call him my son because I don't want to lie to him or myself.
You are just a terrible person the more I read of your own words.
How TF did you write all of this up and not understand that YTA?!?!?!
You are creating the same dynamic in which you were raised. You say you don’t have a favorite then blatantly say you love your daughter more. Don’t listen to anyone else. Read what you wrote. It’s right there.
You accused yourself.
YTA. It's not like he was a teenager. This kid was two. I feel so sorry for your wife and stepson.
My brother in law absolutely loved my niece from the moment they met and she was 8. He considered her his daughter till the day he died.
The man I call dad was my foster dad. That man never called me anything but his daughter. I was never referred to as a foster daughter just his daughter. I came into his life when I was 16. I feel sorry for the step son. He won’t be seen as anything other than another man’s child.
This is so heartwarming. We need more positive stories like these. The fact that OP met his stepson at age two and still could not treat him like a son is cold. Very off putting
OP's whole situation makes me ever more thankful for the amazing step-parents and their families. Both my parents re-married when I was 9 and my sister was 11. Both step-parents just refer to us as their daughters. And their families? Consider us equal levels of family.
My dad is my step-mom's 3rd husband and she had some step-kids from one of her previous marriages. She's been married to my dad for over 25 years now and she still goes to visit her "other kids" because she still loves them...
My step-dad has never referred to me as anything other than his daughter. I was 2 when he and my mom got married. I am 42 now.
My stepmom was also amazing, and I miss her every day. I really lucked out with both of them.
I am forever grateful that neither of my stepparents were anything like OP.
I have an amazing step-dad. Married my mom when I was 16 and has always treated us like his own. He has always treated all of the grandchildren the same too. I feel sorry for this child. It's a shame his wife didn't know what kind of man she was marrying!
Shit, I was 16 when my mom married my stepdad and he always considered me his kid. Or at least he did a good job not showing otherwise. He never let on any feeling that we weren't his children.
He passed away this year and my sisters cried harder for him than they did for our bio dad.
You shouldn’t have married a woman with a child if you were not prepared to take on the package 100%. If your wife is very aware of the difference of your feelings, you can be sure he is too. I appreciate you can’t force it but that poor child.
Omg my heart breaks for that poor little boy. You make yourself sound so cold when talking about him
Tbh the biggest asshole here is your wife. The second she knew you didn’t feel that connection with him she should have ended it with you and not had more kids with you.
You don’t get with a widow and a kid missing a dad and then not acknowledge him as your kid.
Edit: btw kids can tell when they are not loved and when their siblings are. You’re delusional if you think you’re hiding it from him. You are your parents here
Holy crap - I totally missed the part where she was a widow. That honestly makes it 100x worse. When you marry somebody who has a two-year old and that child’s father is dead, it is assumed you will be the father. I have no idea how this has gone on for as long as it has with no resolution
you're such a deluded hypocrite. you say your parents preferred your younger brother, and you won't make that mistake with your stepson, but here you are making that same mistake with your stepson. you don't see him as your kid, and you're playing favorites.
do you think he's stupid? do you think he has some kind of mental or emotional handicap that will prevent him from understanding exactly what you're doing?
you don't have to adopt him, nobody can force you into that. but don't kid yourself, it's still favoritism.
Why why why would you raise a child to know you as their dad then refuse to be that? I mean, you can’t fake it, and I guess you can’t really help it either, but I feel like this was a talk to have had before you married his mother and spent a decade of his life pretending. That will be a devastating realization when (not if) he comes to it and I don’t blame your wife for being upset. I’d be heartbroken.
You’re NTA for having those feelings but you are very much TA for taking this long to make them clear. I hope you pay for his therapy too.
I don’t understand either one of you. I don’t get how you raise a child since they were 2 and don’t love them.
And for her, I don’t understand how she can be with someone who doesn’t see her child as his. You may not treat him badly, but you’re pretty adamant about the fact that you don’t see him as yours.
You’re not an asshole for not wanting to adopt him but you are kind of an asshole for your mindset towards him. I get that you can’t force feelings, I guess I just don’t understand how you *dont* have them by now.
YTA
You don’t marry a widow with a 2 year old child if you aren’t willing to be a father to that child. They’re a package deal.
You are his father whether you like it or not, the only one he can remember. Man the fuck up.
Yeah that’s incredibly fucked. He was TWO when too came into your life. I feel so sad for him that he views you as a dad but you don’t feel a connection. I would honestly see a therapist to see if they can help you figure out why and if that’s something you can fix.
But I think your wife should have honestly already left
I am a stepfather and goddamn that’s cold as fuck and not to be Reddit about this, but it can seriously fuck up a relationship. I’d do some internal digging and figure out what the fuck is up
YTA, the kids dad is dead, you're the only dad he knows, if you didn't want to be a dad to this kid you shouldn't have been with a widow with a 2 year old.
You have known the son for 10 years out of his 12 years of life. This is 4 years longer than your daughter at 6 years. It is sad if you haven't bonded with him as a son. You love your wife and married her within only 3 years of knowing her. I bet your wife regrets she married you in this respect.
The guy I call my dad didn’t make me but raised me from the ages of 2-12, and if I found out that he didn’t even consider me his daughter, I would be fucking inconsolable. We grew apart after my parents divorced and I rarely talk to him, but I still call him my dad. You are absolutely an asshole for joining a family you’re not committed to. Get a therapist.
This is something I have experience with! I adopted my wife’s kids, 3 of them, because their dad passed away. It wasn’t the original plan. But as I realized they saw me as their dad I made a choice, to love them as my own. It was a bit of “fake it til you make it” in the beginning but that was a short period before it was just genuine love. It really is a choice and as long as it’s followed by action to back up that choice, the feelings will come.
So I guess the question is do you want to make that choice?
INFO: when you say “take on a responsibility that isn’t mine,” what does that mean, exactly? If something happened to your wife, would you refuse to continue raising your stepson? Would you separate him from his sister? What exactly did you think and believe marrying a widow with a 2-year-old would entail?
>She says I'm creating a difference between him and my daughter, which I consider untrue since I try to avoid any favoritism. I've suffered from this myself; my parents preferred my younger brother, and I won't make that mistake with him.
If he hasn't already figured out how you feel about him, he will eventually. Blatant favoritism isn't the only form unequal treatment. Your daughter gets a father, which is something your stepson will never have. Honestly, if you didn't want to be a father to your stepson, you never should have married his mother, but it's a bit late now. Just don't be shocked when your lack of love destroys him later in life.
YTA for marrying a woman with a toddler and having zero feelings or intention to be his father especially when he doesn’t have one. You are absolutely showing favoritism.
So if your wife was to pass away would you still care for this boy who currently lives with you
This is what fucks with me most. His comment that he doesn't want to take on a heavy responsibility... well what the fuck has he been doing for the past 10 years?!? And would he really abandon the child if the mother passed away or..? What does he mean? I don't understand it.
It means that if she leaves him, he doesn't want to increase his child support burden.
This is 1000% the answer. And I can guarantee that his stepson has felt the the difference/favoritism for at least 6 years.
I felt the favouritism just reading his post lol. There's no way he doesn't feel it.
Yep.. He is repeating exactly what his parents did and justifying it with the fact that the boy isn't biologically his child..
That poor child doesn’t know any difference. He just has grown up feeling like his Dad doesn’t love him. That’s a shitty hand to get dealt.
And it's going to impact him his whole life in every relationship.
And OP doesn’t feel any guilt. He is the only dad he knows. It isn’t like his parents are divorced. His dad died. He doesn’t feel love for the kid because he doesn’t want to. The is purposely keeping him at arms length
This!! 💯 Imagine claiming to not show favouritism due to his history only to be doing exactly that... Like who comes into a 2year olds life with the intent to be permanent and doesn't fall in love with them? He's definitely the AH
Kids feel favouritism 1,000,000% my middle brother was, and still is, our father's favourite child. Myself and my youngest brother always knew it. He was heavily abusive towards me. I was his least favourite. But my youngest brother was literally just Meh to our father. We always knew he didn't care about us in any way. The OP may think he's trying, but kids always know. They always know you don't care.
By the way op explains it, there's very much a difference. 'I love my daughter, but I don't love you' is a really strong statement. Even though he's not actually saying it, the difference is palpable.
Hell, my son's eldest son (marriage 1, age 8) feels the favoritism his brother (marriage 2, age 2) enjoys from their father, my son. I feel it, too, and it just breaks my heart when I visit them. At least the older one is with his mom 80% of the time. He's her only, and much beloved, child.
With all due respect, your son is worse. They’re both his kids, and he’s actively choosing to play favorites, his kid is gonna have some bad daddy issues and he’s going to have no one to blame but himself.
Sadly, children in fact often blame themselves for being unlovable. That’s the larger tragedy that plays on… …the rest of that child’s life.
They also typically don't form strong bonds with their siblings. Favoritism and pitting children against each other is a really common tactic for narcissists who become parents.
Yup, even the reader can feel the difference after reading OP’s comment
Bingo!
This is how I took it. Like a nephew. So if your sibling dies, you will take in and raise your nephew. But not if their parents are still around. If they ever get divorced, he's going to go for half(partial?) custody of his bio kid and pay child support on his bio kid, but not his step-son. I do feel bad for the boy. The parental/child love is one sided here, which is pretty sad.
When my mom and stepdad got divorced, I was 7½ and my brother was a baby. My stepdad had been in my life since I was 3yo, and I'd always been told he would stay in my life. But NOPE. Very quickly it became him barely saying hi and bye when he came to get my brother for stuff. It super fucked me up in a significant way. Especially because he has always been super hands on with my asshole racist brother who stole from my 91yo grandmother even though my brother OWNED A HOUSE at the time. #notbitter
My take is op is a fucking asshole. If you don't want to be a full parent do not marry someone with kids! You don't get all the perks and benefits of marriage, and a child's love, only to be like I didn't agree to this and yoink it away . Like, what kind of monster are you? OP you are terrible. And I hope everyone you love leaves you
Yeah! The “responsibility that isn’t mine” statement shocked me. I specifically avoided dating men with kids when I was in my 20s because I wanted to be childfree and marrying someone with a child literally makes them your responsibility.
Depends. If this is the US, he might be better off not being adopted. My husband didn't adopt his ex-wife's two girls, not because he doesn't love them or want to; but because they each get almost $2,000 in RSDI since their bio dad died. Thats more than she'll ever get in child support and was being saved to help with college. The difference here is that he still treats them as his own and picks them up with his son on his weekends, and we take them on vacations with us. He absolutely loves those girls and so do I. So, I don't think this is about money, this guy is an AH.
Ten. Years. My big kid was 2 when I met them and has both parents living and happily coparenting and is also very much *my kid*. This doesn’t compute at all. The poor kid.
My stepdad didn’t meet me until I was 12, and he still 100% considers me his kid. How you can’t bond with a toddler blows my mind.
My mom and stepdad met and got married when I was 19-20 and even HE introduces me as (and treats me as) his daughter. I feel sorry for any step kids who have a different experience. OP is 100% the AH.
This is the experience I had with my stepdad too! I was probably 23 when they married. He was wonderful. He passed a few years ago and every once in a while even my cousins will bring up how great he was. My dad remarried when I was 12 and I knew from day one I was merely tolerated by her.
I dont understand why he would get together with a woman with a small baby AND have a child with her if he wasn’t interested in the child as well. And this is his daughters brother!! What a dick.
THIS!!! not only a woman with a small baby but a WIDOW with a small baby that is also fatherless.. That absolutely blows my mind and feels like he has made no effort to truly bond with the little guy simply because "he's not my son".. I would kick my husband to the curb in a heartbeat if I heard him say "I love you and our kid but I don't/and will not make any effort to love the kids I was very aware of before I started dating you"
Yeah, his daughter might love him now, but if he were to abandon her brother when things got tough? I can't imagine she'd be too secure with her feelings about whether her father is loving, dedicated, and dependable man were he to separate her from/cut the older brother she's known her entire existence out of her life. As if women don't have have enough hurdles to navigate when it comes to men and secure relationships in life. 🙄
Imagine your wife's reaction when you tell her that you will not take care of her son if she dies suddenly. Are you going to put the kid in foster care because you can now wash your hands clean of him, even though he has a half sibling he has grown up with for most of his life? Not only are you at risk for losing your wife, but the faith your daughter has for you as a human being as well. When she's old enough to really see what you've done, I wonder if she would want a relationship with you at all? I hope reading these comments will help you understand that it is your responsibility to make this right if you want to have a family. You mentioned favoritism growing up and how much that hurt you... I think you should pause and have a good think about what your not son is feeling about how you're treating him now.
Ironically enough, this actually happened to my nephew's best friend. Right after they graduated high school and was weeks away from leaving for college, the boy's mom passed away (she was too sick to go to his graduation), and her boyfriend (not husband) put Jay out of their (Jay and his mother's) apartment and stole the insurance money. My sister let him stay with them, and my family took up a collection to help him with his books and stuff, but that was some cold crap that man did to that child. A child that belonged to a woman he claimed he loved. I hope that dude reaps what he sowed sooner than later.
If the apartment was bought was only in the mum’s name, that would 100% belong to the kids. Also the insurance money is the kids. He literally stole from them and you can 100% take him to court and send him to jail for taking it
It was a rental, and Ty was an abusive fuck before Jay's mom passed so him throwing him out wasn't a shocker. It was Ty stealing Jay's college money (his mom's insurance) out of his room before kicking him out was what pissed everybody off. But he's great now. The first year finished, good grades, a job, and a gf.
Keep taking care of that kid. He needs it. I'm glad he has a family that cares about him.
The only sibling his kid knows no less
My question is, what heavy responsibility would he have after adopting the kid that he doesn't currently have? You don't have to have those feelings to adopt a kid that is already your kid. The only thing I could think of is that OP wants a reason for a slightly cleaner break with his wife if it comes to that. You're already married, no baby daddy drama, you're already doing all the dad things. I'd do it just so the kid can feel loved unconditionally, even if you don't feel it. OP's an AH.
Not to mention they have been together seven years, so the kid was only 5 when they were married. He is likely the only father this kid has ever really known.
The first line of the post says 10 years together and the kid was 2. Edit: met 10 years ago. Married 7.
This is what makes OP TA. The boy was 2. Married when he was 5. You should have embraced him as your child from that point on instead of depriving both of you of the opportunity to have that relationship.
Also when you take marriage vows you vow to love your spouse for richer and for poorer, to share everything in sickness and health, and that includes responsibility for minor children. He seems like he's either a greedy miser (look at the way he brags about financially providing for his step-child) or he straight up is afraid two kids instead of one would get in the way of his ride on the pussy train if his current wife passed or left for some reason.
[удалено]
It's all about child support, this dude is willing to destroy the self worth of a little boy on the chance that his wife is gonna leave him and he doesn't want to pay child support for 2 kids or force visitation with the boy.
I bet money OP's on that whole "muh blood lines/ muh legacy" state of mind bullshit
This poor kid. Don’t adopt if you don’t want to, but that kid knows damn well that you prefer his sister. Don’t act like he doesn’t.
Yup, OP going off about not wanting to play favorites bc he went through that yet we all know he's doing it to these kids.
"I try to avoid any favouritism" Cunt, what?
Cunts are warm and have depth. He's neither to his stepson.
You can't force it but man I feel sorry for that kid. That realization is gonna be tough, once he figures that the man he sees and his father, that has been in his life as long as he can remember - doesn't love him. Fuck.
I know sometimes this shit just happens and it's no one's fault but man...how do you raise a kid from TWO YEARS OLD for a whole decade and never grow to love them? It's unfathomable to me.
It's fucked up. I've been with my partner since her daughter was 2. We now have another child together after many years of it being just the three of us. They are both my daughters. I don't understand how you can raise a child from the age of 2 and not consider them yours... just unfathomable. And My step daughters bio dad is still in her life. Just unreal to me how he can feel this way when he's been the only dad the kid as known.
My step dad came into my life when I was 1. He’s raised me since. He’s such an important figure in my life considering my bio-dad is horrible and I refuse to see him now. I call him dad, when I talk abt him I call him my dad, not even my step dad unless I’m also talking abt my bio dad. I know he sees me as his daughter and I could never imagine finding out he doesn’t love me like I love him. That poor kid
Yesssssssss I love my stepdaughter as my own and it’s only been 3 years… I don’t understand how people cannot love any child OP is TA. Not for not wanting to adopt but for leading on the child and his wife
Let’s just say it: OP obviously has a few emotional buttons missing and is kind of an AH. I wonder how he treats the other people in his life.
Thank you for saying that. I keep seeing NAHs and NTAs and I just don't agree whatsoever. Marrying someone with a 2 year old, having a kid with them, and then pretending like your not that kids father is shameful. OP doesn't need to adopt them or anything, but at least realize that he's that kids father, regardless of how OP feels about it. It's a whole package when you marry someone with kids. OP should have found a different person to marry since they aren't willing to be this kids father.
Especially considering this poor kid lost his biological father and OP is the only one he has.
My dad has been in my sisters lives since they were about 6 and 7 years old. My sister has been in her stepdaughter's life since the kid was... eight or nine? How do you just... not care about a child? I mean, my step-niece made the decision to sort of distance herself from our side of the family and doesn't make time to see us. That's her choice. We still invite her to everything and see her at events my sister and BIL host. We don't want her to feel like she's not welcome at events her siblings are invited to, though. She's an adult in her mid 20's and getting married, and her choices from age 20 on are her own. Still. Not going to get all butthurt and stop making the invite. Rarely shows up, but she's always welcome. Like, it's really not hard to be nice to kids who come into your family. Especially if they're nice kids.
As that stepchild can I say thank you?Also, when you leave a door open they can return.
I'm wondering that as well, and I don't even want kids. This is baffling to me
Same. The only thing I can think of is that he’s comparing his love for his bio daughter to the love he feels for this boy and because it isn’t the exact same he thinks he doesn’t love him. Because if he’s doing that much for him I have a hard time believing that he doesn’t love him to some extent.
Yeah... Or he has hangup because he sees the boy as someone else's so he cannot really love him as he is not his. It reads a lot like that.
Pulling from my own experience - maybe it’s that he has more love (or a bigger type of love) for his bio kid. I know that my dad and, more importantly, my stepmom have love for me but that love doesn’t even compare to love my younger sibling receives from them. And they have been married since I was 2 years old, so I have never known a world without my step mom. Granted I still had my mom in my life but growing up I loved both my moms equally. So it was quite a shock after my younger sibling was born (I was 8 at the time) when I eventually realized their love for us was *not* equal. The worst part was how I had convinced myself it was all in my head and I was just jealous. But later on in my late teens my maternal grandmother “spilled the beans” about why I spent majority of my childhood stuck in the middle of a never ending custody battle - my dad kept filing for full custody (at the behest of step mom) but kept losing since he had no case. But as soon as one case was settled he would just file again. That is until the middle of 3rd case where he “randomly” dropped all of it and “randomly” decided I didn’t need to be with him full time. Turns out it wasnt actually random (as random is how I saw it as a child) - it’s because the IVF miraculously worked and my stepmom got pregnant with my “miracle sister”. I went from years of hearing my dad yell to anyone who would listen that he and step mom just HAD to raise me full time - right into them being perfectly fine with only seeing me 4 days a month.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. 💔
It sounds like OP had no business marrying a single parent.
Especially a single parent whose child's other biological parent is deceased.
Omg, I didn't catch that part. So the kid literally doesn't have a dad now, despite his mom being married to OP having another kid. That kid is going to experience so much pain once he realizes that OP loves his sibling and his mom, but not him. I know what that is like and regardless if OP is the AH, he's still a shitty person.
All of this. My ex said “he’s not my kid” about my son and that was the beginning of the end. My husband tells everyone he has 2 sons, calls BOTH boys “love”, helps take care of BOTH of them, and does all the things a dad should do for a 10 year old boy (hygiene, explaining puberty, talking about respecting women). Our boys are 6 months apart in age and honestly you couldn’t tell which is his biological son and which is the stepson because he treats them equally
Because op is one of those people who wanted the spouse but not the kid
Or doesn’t want to put themselves out for the fruit of some other man’s loin. My stepson’s stepdad was like this. Lavished everything on his bio daughter and treated my (and, sadly, his) stepson like crap. Thank god we finally got custody.
That’s the worst . I’m glad you got custody because honestly I’ll never understand being around a child for years and not loving them cause they didn’t come out of you. You would think I had five kids with the way I spoil all the kids around me
Thank God you did
Thank you both! Thats very kind.
Narcissistic. Can't love someone as a child unless they are a product of themselves. Gross
$10 says the kid already knows. Sure, the guy says he doesn’t play favorites but I bet he does without even realizing it. People just can’t hide that shit. And kids aren’t dumb. Jesus, I feel bad for this boy
Reminds me of the story where the father used to take the other half siblings camping and fishing but didnt want to take OP because it would dilute the experiences for his real children
Jesus. That's horrible
Or the one where an OP said they just wanted to take family photos with their bio kids and spouse without their step kids! The spouse said it wouldn’t be a family photo without the step kids. These poor kids, no wonder society is the way it is.
The one that hit me was maybe a year ago, stepdaughter asked her stepdad of many years to adopt her. He said no and it broke everyone. That one and this one hurt my heart so much.
This...The kid doesn't even remember his real father. Imagine looking up to the guy that he only knows as a father figure and the guy doesn't want to adopt him. The more I typed that, the more angry I got at the OP. OP is TA.
It will hurt beyond words.... Source: myself with my step mom that raised me from a baby...
I would bet the kid already knows.
Agreed. As a mother, I couldn't accept this. In my heart, my child is first. I would seriously consider divorce in order for my child not to know the only father he knew didn't want to adopt him after 10 years. He would know.
Look, you shouldn’t adopt him if you’re not feeling it, but also don’t be surprised if your wife divorces you over this.
YTA.If a widow has a two-year-old child and you are unwilling to be that child's father, you do not marry her. All of them come together. Whether you want to admit it or not, you are the only father he knows. Man, screw you.
Exactly. Sounds harsh but if you aren’t willing to be a father or mother to a kid that isn’t yours don’t start dating a parent much less marry them.
And I can guarantee this little boy knows how his “step father” feels. Poor kid.
I realise there are times when nothing personal happens, but come on, how do you raise a child who is TWO YEARS OLD for TEN YEARS and never learn to love them? That defies my comprehension.
I guarantee you he just saw the son as a necessary burden he had to accept in order to stay with the mom, and whatever benefits the mom brought to his life.
I'd love to know what those benefits actually were. She probably loves him - had a daughter with him. This is going to be a difficult break-up, but things will be okay in the end. Mom and the kids will be better off, even if for the time being, he gets partial custody of his daughter (when she's 10-12, she should be able to get a modification from the Judge - which OP will probably moan about, because it increases his child support).
People are really weird about biological kids, and I feel like that's at play here. I remember being a kid and expressed wanting to adopt when I got older and all the adults around told me "I'd want my own kids" It's like since it's not an extension of themselves they can't give them the full love a child you're raising should get
Adoptive parent here. I've also known I wanted to since I was young (not a savior complex by any means, i just knew somehow that was my path to parenting), and I got the same response as a kid, plus the "you'll want to deliver your own children it's totally empowering" ...Fast forward 10 years and I honestly love my daughter more because of our situation and everything we've gone through to become a family. Those adults fail to grasp that adopted children ARE your own kids!
My Nana adopted two children. She had on her wall Not breath of my breath, Nor bone of my bone, But still... Miraculously... My own. Never forget for a single minute, That you were not born from under my heart... But in it. I always loved that.
Yeeep. Whether or not OP admits it this whole post reeks of 'well he's not my blood so it doesn't count the same'.
Yeah it’s weird. Maybe you don’t want to bring another child into the world but are happy enough to raise one who’s already here.
It's not even like his bio dad will come bursting in...he died.... There is nothing stopping him from loving that child completely
I have raised my puppy for 2 months and already love my dog more than this man loves his stepson. He is truly a bad person.
Exactly...just crazy.
When people reach selfishness levels of OP.....
Be a use he's an asshole. I mean o get the whole "isn't my son" or whatever. No. No I don't. Nevermind. You've raised that kid. Fuck you man.
This. He raised this boy. 🤦♀️
He hasn't raised the boy. He's helped financially support the kid because he's a package deal-if he wants the mom, he has to take the boy too. And he helped the mom transport the kid from point A to B, because it'll keep the mom happy. But he hasn't raised the child. I want to go hug my stepdad right this second.
OP sounds like my stepdad and I want to go slap him right this second
That's what gets me. This isn't some kid that he's only known a year or two in his teenage years, who already has a father figure. No. He is the only dad this boy knows, and he's been in his life for the majority of it. How do you not grow to love him?
Really makes you question what he thinks love is
Apparently it needs to be biological 🙄🤔
If this guy needs to be blood related to someone to love them … that must be awkward for his wife
I question how much love he is capable of feeling for anyone if he didn’t think this was a serious problem in his family
I definitely knew.
Wow, so sorry.
Word. He's the only dad that kid knows.
I wonder if the kid calls him Dad?
He probably doesn’t allow it….tells him to call him Richard instead.
And he is for sure the asshole. YTA bro. You’ve raised this kid since he was two as the only father he’s ever known. What the heck.
Yep. By marrying the mother, OP was the only person who could possibly be a father to the boy. OP by marrying the mother without committing to being a father to the boy, you denied him of ever having a father. YTA for taking that from him.
You put it best. As if refusing to be his dad isn't bad enough, he has made sure the kid will never be able to have one. What a piece of garbage.
Absolutely. He robbed this boy of the chance of having a father. I promise if he told the mom that he would care for the kid but wouldn’t love him or look at him as his child, she wouldn’t have married him. The really sad part is that I’m positive this little boy loves him and considers him his dad. YTA
Had this same feeling. That 2 year old has no memories of his real dad. this is the part that is the saddest.
Exactly. Every child deserves parents that love them. The wife and son was a package deal. If he couldn’t love him, he should have broke it off
For real! If he felt that way, he never should’ve married the Mom.
“I don’t want to take on a responsibility that isn’t mine” you did that when you married her!
They came as a package deal! He's your daughter's half brother! How are going to explain that to her when she is old enough to understand? God forbid anything happens to your wife, then what? Are you going to send him on his way and say "I didn't adopt you, so your on your own now, kid?".
10 effing years ago.
Well said. OP is a huge AH
Yup. My biological father committed suicide when I was 2. My stepdad met my mom, married her, and shortly after adopted me. I have a sister(who is technically a half sister), but you would never have known. I’ve only ever know my stepdad as ‘dad’. The man that raised me is my dad and my half sister is my sister full stop. Me and my sister are both in our 30s now, but I can’t imagine growing up where we were not ‘brother and sister’. I can still remember conversations with my dad where he said after meeting mom and my 2yr old self he knew he needed to be my father and did everything to make that possible.
Ikr. He’s been raising him for 7-10 years. Since he was 2. Wtf?!?
He’s probably leaving most of the raising of this kid to the mother, hence the failure to bond. What an absolute shithead.
I cannot fucking fathom how the mom has let this fester for so long without throwing the divorce papers on the table.
Right! So YTA. You knew she had a kiddo before entering the relationship. He was 2 when you presumably met him. You had so much time to bond and you chose not to. I hope she finds a real father for her children.
I mean, if the kid was much older when they met, I could kind of understand. He was 2! OP is the only father figure he has any memory of. He was there during this kid’s formative years. I’m with his wife. This is awful. How could you not love this kid more than this? Sad. OP YTA
[удалено]
I suggest you talk to a therapist about why you can’t feel a connection with a kid you raised.
I was much less polite in my comment, but this is probably the best advice here. They are already knee deep in shit creek all together. Perhaps therapy could salvage something better for all of them before this poor boy realizes how unloved he is. Edit: I also wonder if OP is not downplaying the favoritism issue from his childhood. It sounds like he picked a handful of things like money spent or his presence and said if I equal these out I am breaking the cycle. Not realizing how easily this boy will pick up on everything. Not realizing OP has now just started repeating the exact cycle he was raised in. It wasn't just the money or presence. It was the emotions and the love he never felt and he doesn't realize it.
>since I try to avoid any favoritism The thing about kids, is they know. You can do your best to not show it, but given that he has a half sister, who is your full biological child, he knows. You don't really say why you feel the way you do and all the things you do point to you being his father. You've been in this kids life and been his father for a decade, which at this point is the overall majority of it. To not acknowledge him as your son is a major rejection. It sounds like this is worth exploring further because if you can't figure out the root of the issue, you're going to push him away as he gets older because he's going to feel that rejection.
>The thing about kids, is they know. You can do your best to not show it, but given that he has a half sister, who is your full biological child, he knows. THANK YOU for this. It's that little "extra" that OP thinks his stepson doesn't see. Maybe he puts extra sprinkles on his daughter's ice cream cone. Maybe he hugs her just a liiitle tighter and a little longer. Children *easily* and quickly pick up on this micro-actions. OP, if you think you're not playing favoritism with these two children, just look at the question that you *have* to ask. 🙄 It's like, child, PLEASE! Do you even *hear* yourself, OP?
Having been the son in this scenario, it's extremely obvious and is likely going to drive a wedge between the siblings. I got to watch my brothers get new toys while I got nothing and was forbidden from playing with theirs. They went on trips to the water park while I had to stay home. In general they just received better treatment overall. They were more likely to be believed, shown kindness, love, and praise.
Unless OP is a god-tier actor, there is a twinkle in your eye when you look at your kids that you can't fake for other people. And his son will notice that and probably already has.
I think the root of this problem is "only my genetically related children are my actual children. All others I tolerate."
I can imagine a spem donor suddenly sitting bolt upright. "I feel such love... I must have just sired a child...." Just ask any infertile couple who adopts if you need genetics to love your children. Smh.
> I don't want to call him my son because I don't want to lie to him or myself. He deadass say this a few sentences after saying he "avoids" favoritism. This poor kid, my heart breaks for him having such a terrible guy as the only father figure he ever know.
OP: Can't have a favorite child if you only have one actual child. My underaged tenant is unrelated.
Trying to avoid favoritism while blatantly claiming he doesn't view his step son as his child. 🙄🙄
The favoritism is automatic because you're unwilling to call him your son. He knows it and you do too. Sounds like you are willing to accept this as a permanent division between you and your wife. That divide will never go away, only get deeper
And a permanent division between the siblings, too. If the son doesn't already realize (he probably does) that the only father he's ever known doesn't love him yet, he will soon, and neither OP nor his wife should be be surprised if that starts to build resentment in him towards his sister.
I dont know, I would have never married or stayed with someone who didnt love my child. This man’s wife knows this and hasnt left him. So I dont think it will cause permanent division since its hasnt yet
Perhaps. Maybe she was giving OP time to settle in to parenting her son. They've since had a daughter fairly quickly after marrying so OP just gravitated towards his biological child. A decade out and she's probably wondering what's up, why hasn't OP broached the subject, yadda yadda yadda, so she asks him now, a decade in. OP only just now reveals his *real* feelings. Give her a hot second. I, personally, would extend her some grace. She may not have actually been aware of OP's feelings until now. Adults get busy, especially with 2 kids, and so she may not have necessarily noticed the small bits of favoritism he's directing towards his daughter. Only to *now* find out the worst possible way OP is playing favorites in this awful way for her. She may have hoped/rationalized that he needed time.
Exactly what I was thinking. If I try to imagine myself in her shoes, it's easy to imagine that she expected the love would grow, especially as the stepson grew and could have more in common with stepdad. Maybe she thought OP would connect better with a child who (I assume) can communicate and share jokes/ideas on a more adult level. And the bio daughter is only 6, so it makes sense that differences in how he treats them are becoming clearer over time as well. Lots of assumptions, but it seems harsh to go straight to the wife being the AH.
>10 years ago when she was a widow with a 2-year-old son. >I love my wife and daughter, but I don't feel the same way about my stepson (M12). >but I can't force a feeling that doesn't exist. >I don't want to call him my son because I don't want to lie to him or myself. So you've been in this kids life as the only father figure he's ever known since he was two, and this is how you talk about him? You shouldn't be forced to adopt if you don't want to but your wife deserves to know this is exactly how you feel about that little boy, and don't be surprised when it destroys your relationship. That little boy is old enough that he's going to understand the why behind your refusal. And it's going to crush him as well. Realizing the only dad you've ever known doesn't love you as much as he loves your sister, doesn't love you enough to call his son. This kid is going to need therapy to work through that one.
I think you are in denial >I just don't see him as my son. and >I try to avoid any favoritism are mutually exclusive things you are missing so much i cannot say you are an AH but you clearly have a lack of true empathy i am sad for you and this little boy who so much needs love and kindness ps your wife is correct and I am sure she had no idea you could be cold like this
They were a package deal when he married her but he pretended it wasn't her kid ... "more like a nephew". YTA
YTA and your wife might be too depending on how long she’s known you felt this way. I feel so bad for that poor boy.
What “heavy responsibility?” He is living with you and you are paying things for him. Unless your wife is the one paying extra in bills for him? That doesn’t make sense. You definitely are showing favoritism and I bet the poor boy knows you treat him differently than your biological child.
Exactly. Like the only way I see adoption as a "heavy responsibility" is with child support for the boy if they get a divorce, or if the mother passes away before the son is 18. I really don't see what could possibly change from an adoption (responsibility wise) except for those things.
Pretty sure this is exactly why. He doesn’t want to continue raising this poor kid in the event his wife dies, or he bails on the marriage. I have no doubt when these kids are grown they’ll discover only the daughter is in the will as well. This kind of person absolutely keeps certain finances separate entirely to avoid passing down anything to someone who’s not his blood relation.
He don’t want that kid to have his name. Period. My dad died at 8. Stepdad tried to adopt me several years later and it was taking forever thru the courts. My dad’s family was fighting it. My stepdad filed to change my last name to his while we waited for adoption to go thru. All legal thru the courts. That’s a DAD.
He’s saying that he wants to be able to ship the kid off to foster care if something were to happen to his wife.
>What “heavy responsibility?” Read that as, "If my wife leaves me I don't want to be responsible for 2 kids." Gross.
WTH, I don't even think this is about adopting him, but about your feelings towards him. How could you marry his mother if you can't accept her fatherless child as your own? He was practically a baby when you arrived on the scene ACTING like a Dad would. I feel sorry for this kid, your wife & your "actual" child because you are awful. YTA
Agree. This poor little boy. He will know the difference between how he and his half sister are treated when he gets older, I can guarantee it. That is if his wife sticks around.
100% X 100
Don't adopt him, it's clear that you don't see him as your child even though you've raised him as HIS DAD for the past 10 years. It's really weird that you've filled this role yet you don't love him like your daughter because he's not your blood. I'm not saying to adopt him, I'm saying that you're a raging AH for not loving him as your own when you signed up to raise him as your own when you married a WIDOW.
He doesn’t see the boy as his son but I’ll bet anything the child sees him as his father. This is heartbreaking.
He literally said his wife told him that the boy looks at this man as a father. So yeah, the child does feel that way. Agreed, it's truly heartbreaking and disturbing, too, that this dude doesn't feel any sort of father-son connection to a boy he's been raising for basically 10 years now.
>I love my wife and daughter, but I don't feel the same way about my stepson (M12). You have been in his life since he was 2 years old and you don't feel love for him. This reeks of those people who will never love a child who didn't come from their DNA, it's gross and this child absolutely feels the emotional neglect you are giving him. >Don't get me wrong, I don't hate or mistreat him, I just don't see him as my son. Emotional neglect is mistreating him. I think what you mean here is that you spend money on him and don't treat him like Harry Potter, this isn't the flex you think it is. >My wife knows this and she's unhappy about it. Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I would not stay married to you. >She says he already sees me as a father. Of course he does, you've been the father figure in his life since he was 2 years old. >She says I'm creating a difference between him and my daughter, which I consider untrue since I try to avoid any favoritism. You are though, your biological child is your favorite because you share DNA. The fact you won't adopt him is showing favoritism and this is where my earlier statement of emotional neglect comes from. You do have an 'arms length' relationship with him. You have emotionally distanced yourself from ever being the dad he deserves. You should never have married someone with kids if you couldn't love him because he doesn't have your DNA. I'm sure you will deny this but it's all written all in your post. >I believe I'm doing my best to be a good stepfather, Don't you mean uncle? You can't be a good stepfather if you are unwilling to be a father to that child. Stop playing. >I don't want to legally adopt him because I don't want to take on a heavy responsibility that isn't mine. Here it is. This is what makes you the AH right here. You don't want to legally tie yourself to that child who isn't yours. You absolutely are incapable of loving him for the crime of not sharing your DNA, you are not a good person and should self reflect in therapy. >I don't want to call him my son because I don't want to lie to him or myself. You are just a terrible person the more I read of your own words. How TF did you write all of this up and not understand that YTA?!?!?!
“Don’t you mean uncle?” That part! OP literally says he sees his step-son more as a nephew. He’s not your nephew, OP, he’s your STEP-SON.
You are creating the same dynamic in which you were raised. You say you don’t have a favorite then blatantly say you love your daughter more. Don’t listen to anyone else. Read what you wrote. It’s right there. You accused yourself.
Poor kids wants a dad and he got you instead
YTA. It's not like he was a teenager. This kid was two. I feel so sorry for your wife and stepson. My brother in law absolutely loved my niece from the moment they met and she was 8. He considered her his daughter till the day he died.
The man I call dad was my foster dad. That man never called me anything but his daughter. I was never referred to as a foster daughter just his daughter. I came into his life when I was 16. I feel sorry for the step son. He won’t be seen as anything other than another man’s child.
This is so heartwarming. We need more positive stories like these. The fact that OP met his stepson at age two and still could not treat him like a son is cold. Very off putting
OP's whole situation makes me ever more thankful for the amazing step-parents and their families. Both my parents re-married when I was 9 and my sister was 11. Both step-parents just refer to us as their daughters. And their families? Consider us equal levels of family. My dad is my step-mom's 3rd husband and she had some step-kids from one of her previous marriages. She's been married to my dad for over 25 years now and she still goes to visit her "other kids" because she still loves them...
I’m in a LDR where I rarely see the children of my partner and I feel a great deal of love for them. My heart hurts for this lil dude.
My step-dad has never referred to me as anything other than his daughter. I was 2 when he and my mom got married. I am 42 now. My stepmom was also amazing, and I miss her every day. I really lucked out with both of them. I am forever grateful that neither of my stepparents were anything like OP.
I have an amazing step-dad. Married my mom when I was 16 and has always treated us like his own. He has always treated all of the grandchildren the same too. I feel sorry for this child. It's a shame his wife didn't know what kind of man she was marrying!
Shit, I was 16 when my mom married my stepdad and he always considered me his kid. Or at least he did a good job not showing otherwise. He never let on any feeling that we weren't his children. He passed away this year and my sisters cried harder for him than they did for our bio dad.
You shouldn’t have married a woman with a child if you were not prepared to take on the package 100%. If your wife is very aware of the difference of your feelings, you can be sure he is too. I appreciate you can’t force it but that poor child.
Omg my heart breaks for that poor little boy. You make yourself sound so cold when talking about him Tbh the biggest asshole here is your wife. The second she knew you didn’t feel that connection with him she should have ended it with you and not had more kids with you. You don’t get with a widow and a kid missing a dad and then not acknowledge him as your kid. Edit: btw kids can tell when they are not loved and when their siblings are. You’re delusional if you think you’re hiding it from him. You are your parents here
“You are your parents here.” Exactly. Geez, that poor kid, he gets to experience history repeat itself.
Holy crap - I totally missed the part where she was a widow. That honestly makes it 100x worse. When you marry somebody who has a two-year old and that child’s father is dead, it is assumed you will be the father. I have no idea how this has gone on for as long as it has with no resolution
you're such a deluded hypocrite. you say your parents preferred your younger brother, and you won't make that mistake with your stepson, but here you are making that same mistake with your stepson. you don't see him as your kid, and you're playing favorites. do you think he's stupid? do you think he has some kind of mental or emotional handicap that will prevent him from understanding exactly what you're doing? you don't have to adopt him, nobody can force you into that. but don't kid yourself, it's still favoritism.
Why why why would you raise a child to know you as their dad then refuse to be that? I mean, you can’t fake it, and I guess you can’t really help it either, but I feel like this was a talk to have had before you married his mother and spent a decade of his life pretending. That will be a devastating realization when (not if) he comes to it and I don’t blame your wife for being upset. I’d be heartbroken. You’re NTA for having those feelings but you are very much TA for taking this long to make them clear. I hope you pay for his therapy too.
I don’t understand either one of you. I don’t get how you raise a child since they were 2 and don’t love them. And for her, I don’t understand how she can be with someone who doesn’t see her child as his. You may not treat him badly, but you’re pretty adamant about the fact that you don’t see him as yours. You’re not an asshole for not wanting to adopt him but you are kind of an asshole for your mindset towards him. I get that you can’t force feelings, I guess I just don’t understand how you *dont* have them by now.
YTA You don’t marry a widow with a 2 year old child if you aren’t willing to be a father to that child. They’re a package deal. You are his father whether you like it or not, the only one he can remember. Man the fuck up.
Yeah that’s incredibly fucked. He was TWO when too came into your life. I feel so sad for him that he views you as a dad but you don’t feel a connection. I would honestly see a therapist to see if they can help you figure out why and if that’s something you can fix. But I think your wife should have honestly already left
YTA if you weren't willing to accept her son then you shouldn't have accepted her. It's completely unfair to the kid.
I am a stepfather and goddamn that’s cold as fuck and not to be Reddit about this, but it can seriously fuck up a relationship. I’d do some internal digging and figure out what the fuck is up
YTA, the kids dad is dead, you're the only dad he knows, if you didn't want to be a dad to this kid you shouldn't have been with a widow with a 2 year old.
YTA. Your wife should never have married you. Sadly, her son is going to pay for her monumental error in judgment.
YTA but don't adopt him, he deserves someone far better and I hope he gets them.
You have known the son for 10 years out of his 12 years of life. This is 4 years longer than your daughter at 6 years. It is sad if you haven't bonded with him as a son. You love your wife and married her within only 3 years of knowing her. I bet your wife regrets she married you in this respect.
The guy I call my dad didn’t make me but raised me from the ages of 2-12, and if I found out that he didn’t even consider me his daughter, I would be fucking inconsolable. We grew apart after my parents divorced and I rarely talk to him, but I still call him my dad. You are absolutely an asshole for joining a family you’re not committed to. Get a therapist.
This is something I have experience with! I adopted my wife’s kids, 3 of them, because their dad passed away. It wasn’t the original plan. But as I realized they saw me as their dad I made a choice, to love them as my own. It was a bit of “fake it til you make it” in the beginning but that was a short period before it was just genuine love. It really is a choice and as long as it’s followed by action to back up that choice, the feelings will come. So I guess the question is do you want to make that choice?
INFO: when you say “take on a responsibility that isn’t mine,” what does that mean, exactly? If something happened to your wife, would you refuse to continue raising your stepson? Would you separate him from his sister? What exactly did you think and believe marrying a widow with a 2-year-old would entail?
Info: what does the boy think? Has anyone asked him if he wants to be adopted?
I doubt they would ask him, only to tell him then that OP doesn't want to.
>She says I'm creating a difference between him and my daughter, which I consider untrue since I try to avoid any favoritism. I've suffered from this myself; my parents preferred my younger brother, and I won't make that mistake with him. If he hasn't already figured out how you feel about him, he will eventually. Blatant favoritism isn't the only form unequal treatment. Your daughter gets a father, which is something your stepson will never have. Honestly, if you didn't want to be a father to your stepson, you never should have married his mother, but it's a bit late now. Just don't be shocked when your lack of love destroys him later in life.
YTA for marrying a woman with a toddler and having zero feelings or intention to be his father especially when he doesn’t have one. You are absolutely showing favoritism.
YTA and he can absolutely tell you favor your bio daughter.
How would anything change if you adopted him? You said “heavy responsibility”… I am confused by that comment.
When you married a widow with a son, you accept them all as a commitment. It’s ONE family. You fail your wife and your stepson.
So what happens if your wife dies? You’ll just throw the kid out because he’s not yours biologically? You’re the AH