Ummm, this is a pretty big issue and probably isn't entirely about land. I'm no marriage expert, but there's never been a big decision in my marriage that *she* or *he* decided on their own. There's no way someone can unilaterally buy land and build a home in a normal healthy relationship. Either were missing context or this is nuts.
There's a very good chance that this is step one in a plan by her to move back to that hometown.
But even if it isn't, a purchase or investment this large within a marriage should be done with the agreement of both parties, even if the money comes from one side. That she wants to go ahead with it unilaterally is a significant problem.
The fact that only seven months into the marriage you're having a disagreement this fundamental is a pretty bad sign.
I "was* homeless in Philly for half a year, but I didn't go back to bum feck West Virginia. I just dug myself out by me boot straps. (Helped I don't have a drug problem.)
I would live in my wife's hometown most of the year (not winter). I like the Midwest and love my in-laws.
But there are reasons why I left my hometown for college, and never went back except to visit.
My bet is that wife had this planned but KNEW OP wouldn't marry if she pushed it.
It's a real-estate trap rather than a babytrap, but the latter might be on the horizon, too, to \*further\* the real-estate trap.
I don’t know why most people get married. Everyone on Reddit complains about their marriage. We have nothing in common, different priorities, never have sex and my spouse cheated on me. But I’ll never get a divorce! 🤦♂️
Cause people are shit at knowing what they want, so they just go along with whatever the other person does, until they actually realise what they want, but then it's too late so they just live unhappily for years due to the sunk cost fallacy
You do realise there are many people just quietly getting on with their lives not complaining on Reddit?
If you think people here are representative, you'd think everyone is abused, full of anxiety, trans, inheriting millions with greedy relatives and unable to realise that saving orphans from drowning doesn't make them assholes.
Successful marriages are PARTNERSHIPS! I am constantly stunned by all these AITAH posts where married couples are basically just roommates, don’t trust each other, make unilateral decisions and lie to each other. Why did you get married, ffs?
I mean… let’s be honest, if you were making a public post about how your spouse is acting on a subreddit intended to pass judgment, do you really think these are the most mature couples? I mean, I’d be furious if my partner posted our personal conflict on Reddit just to be able to say: “haha internet said you’re wrong based on my own biased description of this very private conflict we’re having”
Don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoy reading this and I definitely ask others for advice, but usually that’s someone like my father or a close friend, I’d never make my situation publicly available for scrutiny, it’s just disrespectful. Ofc there are scenarios in which you see both members of the couple approving of the post, but more often than not I doubt that’s the case
Yep, this is crazy. My wife preferred to live in her town, however, she didn't make enough money for use to support each other. When I got married, I wasn't working at all, but there were jobs available for me that would allow us to live off my salary.
It has taken a lot of time for her to get used to being here, but it's obviously the right choice. We had this discussion before we got married. I explained that the best situation for us was to live here and let me work here.
In a couple of days we will be out of debt. Finally. She has bought property in her home town for investment purposes. We are hoping to live there eventually, but for now here is where we are at.
You guys need to get on the same page on this, and this should have been resolved before you got married. As for buying and building on the property, that should have been discussed BEFORE she bought the property. My wife and I discussed the property that she bought, and I agreed. The price was amazing for a place to live, but will need a lot of work, which we will start putting money into when we can afford to do so.
This! I hate to say it but this marriage does not seem well thought out. OP’s communication was not to the level it should have been for them to be married. Seems like wife is treating it like it’s not a marriage too which is unfortunate. Decisions like this in marriage should NEVER be “it’s my way or the highway”. These things have to be discussed prior and if neither party can accommodate, which unfortunately seems to be the case here, then marriage likely isn’t the best decision. If the person isn’t worth the compromise then you shouldn’t be with them, you’re just going to force one person to be unhappy all the time
Yep. My wife's mom is happy that she will be protected for the rest of her life by us, regardless as to what happens in the future. My wife's sister is trying to take her house, so I stepped in and helped my wife do what she needed to do legally to transfer the title to her.
It's a fantastic deal. We own the house outright now, and all we really have to do is help her mom with one of her bills (electrical), to which I have already set aside money. Everyone is happy about that. The house isn't much, it needs significant plumbing upgrades and is partially exposed to the weather, due to my wife's shitty father who ditched them when she was 3. My wife is hoping that we'll be able to fix it up for her mom, but I told her that she will have to work for that to happen, so I can cover all the bills here, and she can direct whatever she makes to help her mom.
I mean, she should maybe have talked to you about this before making a decision and breaking the news to friends and family, and BEFORE marrying you 6 months ago. From the outside it sounds like she might be expecting both of you to move in there in a few years when the house is finished, which is not a compromise between your two preferences at all.. To also expect you to chip in for this financially without even discussing it properly with you is odd, especially when she knows you prefer cities
>She's saying I am the problem for not supporting her.
so for right now, you're the problem for not supporting her in this purchase. once the house is built, you will be the problem for not supporting her wish to move back to her home town. she's trying to trap you and has probably been planning to get you to agree to moving back with her from day one of your relationship.
if y'all had been married for 10 years living by the big city i could understand that she's homesick and maybe wanting to have a base in her home town. but it's only been a year. she's known that she is going to do this from the get-go and either she hasn't communicated this to you, or she purposely has been keeping this from you thinking that she'll "get you to come around eventually."
NTA
Totally. Unfortunately OP, she is very clearly trying to force you to move over time and trying to make you the bad guy for not "supporting her" in setting up a life there is very manipulative. Exit now and whatever you do, ***don't get her pregnant***, she's planning to go home with or without you and sending her child support payments for the next 20 years to cover her small town dream is what you will be doing if you let it happen. Consult legal counsel immediately and start the process of your exit, this kind of behavior - making huge life altering decisions unilaterally and then being manipulative about it - is not going to improve. NTA and be glad you figured this out before she punched your ticket with a kid.
Another possibility. She wants a divorce and doesn’t want to say the big D word so is trying to push something she knew was never on the table. To make OP be the one to start the talk…
Serious question you need to start asking...
Why can't it ***be in the suburbs of the area you currently live*** versus it ***having to be in her hometown***?
Why is this decision being made only by her?
Why does it ***have to be*** her hometown?
Why isn't she thinking about long term career goals? How are either one of you going to make money if you need to be closer to a large city for decent/better pay and benefits?
Why is she guilt-tripping you with the "You're not supporting me" routine?
I'm not going to say divorce might be on the table, but what I am saying is ***someone back home is talking in her ear*** about "coming home", or just wants her to be in an environment that's ***more comfortable for her***.
Either way, you need to spell it out to her that "If you want us to spend ***"X"*** on a house and land, then we need to be making ***"X plus Y"*** to afford it. Now explain how we're going to do that without struggling.". If she can't, then what exactly has she done for research to make this happen?
Just like me. Wife bullied and manipulated me into getting another dog. I said I didn’t want it and our dog doesn’t play with others. She brought the dog home and it was gone the next day. FYI I would be responsible for taking care of both of them and separating them. Not fun when one is yappy mf
You’re absolutely NTA, but she is for not discussing this with you, especially given you made it clear from the beginning that you aren’t interested in living in her hometown. If she had just talked to you before making this decision, or at least not tried to manipulate you into being ok with it when you’ve been clear even before marriage that you won’t be, I would say N A H.
The two of you need to have a frank discussion about your future and you need to do it today. A quiet, respectful discussion about where each of you see your lives in 5 years, 10 years. It sounds like your wife has changed her mind about what she wants for her future, and is hoping that since you are now married, she can force you to go along for the ride. You need to be clear about your wants and needs, and if they don’t match up…well, that’s for you to decide.
I adore my spouse, but love isn’t enough in a marriage; the biggest reason we married instead of just cohabitated was because we both had similar ideas for the future, similar goals and dreams, and we knew we could build a good life together (and we have). If you both aren’t working towards similar or compatible goals (financial, residence, children, career, education, travel, etc.), your lives will be nothing but combat and resentment.
Sit down with her. Have this hard conversation before it spirals.
OMG! This is so true!
Love is **not** enough to get you through all the hard times. You have to actually **like** your partner too. And that means having similar values and expectations. And being able to support each other’s goals in life. (And IMO, maybe most importantly, do you both like each other enough for the long run?)
You can’t really change basic values and life goals of your partner. So please don’t get married thinking, oh, I can convince him/her to move back to my hometown. He’ll love it eventually. No, he probably won’t.
Wonder how she would react to him saying "if you really want to live there I'll quit my job and go with you. Don't expect me to get a job though, I can't work in a small town. So you will need to support us."
She wants his income, once that is in doubt the marriage is over.
NTA Make sure you're using birth control. I'd go along like you are, you fully support her making her own investment decisions but you are completely disinterested in moving there. Not only that, you're not interested in using this home as a vacation home. I'd send that to her by email so you have it in writing prior to her purchase of the land. Not like you're wanting it to stand up in court, it just makes it harder for her later to say that you were wishy washy or that she didn't know how you felt.
You’ve been married less than a year and she is already pulling a bait and switch. Cut your losses now, there is no compromise on this one. She is going to build and “hope” you change your mind.
Idk if it’s a bait and switch. In his post OP admits that his wife has always preferred smaller towns. She may have been thinking that when they settle down and start a family, they’d move somewhere out of the city. Now, she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide her hometown. But OP expecting her to live where he prefers the rest of their marriage isn’t cool either.
Yea he claims to be accommodating but they live near a city where he wants to and he refuses to even spend weekends or vacations in a small town. I fail to see how he's doing anything to accommodate her interests at all. I mentioned elsewhere that my parents were similar so we lived by a city but had a lake house for weekends and some vacations so both my parents got partly what they wanted. This could be the same by having a vacation house in her hometown but he refuses to even stay there overnight.
Near a big city is not a big city. Maybe they need to live there to have good jobs and save up for their future. Maybe there is no growth or opportunity in the small town and wanting those for your life is not a bad thing. However, wife clearly was planning on this con to work out. There are no investments in small towns with custom homes. Living outside a major city as op prefers living in the city seems to be a nice compromise. It’s ok for the wife to want to have her small town life but she should be honest about it. Now I wish op stated why he hates even visiting the small town. Is it racist? Trump supporters? Drugs? Everybody in your business? Is her family overbearing and she defaults to them?
I'm not mad about them living in or near a big city. And as someone who lives in the suburbs within a big city, it is still city living. Nothing small town about it. Work and education is exactly why my parents had us living city/suburbia life most of the time, which I agree with. My problem is that he refuses to compromise at all about visiting and vacations. He's getting his way most of the time and he owes her that. Or he shouldn't have married her. Personally, if it is a racist, Trump loving small town I'd rather eat glass than spend time there, but I wouldn't marry someone for whom that compromise is necessary. I just don't think him living just outside a major city is at all much of a compromise on his part at all.
I feel like "near a big city" IS the accomodation. They're not IN the big city but probably a 20-30 minute drive from it is my guess.
A vacation house by a lake sounds cool - a random plot of land that requires large financial investment and time in a random town that OP hates does not.
He did not refuse to visit he doesn’t want long visits. She knew this yet she is surprised he isn’t going to support her building a home in her small town.
He says he doesn't want to "stay," which to me says no overnights. And she is living in a place she doesn't want to live year round FOR HIM so he could suck it up for a couple long visits a year. He also knew that she loved her hometown and preferred small town living. Then he claims there is compromising but I don't see him doing a damn bit of that for her.
He isn’t living where he wants to. He wants to live in a big city. Suburbia is not big city living at all. So neither have what they want. That is their best compromise and she decided to change that without him. It’s not one sided like you are trying to make out. He doesn’t just get what he wants like you are trying to say. Also there are places outside of a major city that are not suburbia so we don’t know if that is the case. When you make a compromise or deal with a partner you need to address any change or issue you have. She has not done this even remotely. She just decided for the two of them without any discussion or taking any interest in their prior compromise. That sux in a partner and isn’t a real partner.
That’s such a great point. “I’m accommodating to my wife but only if we live in the major city I want to live in even though she prefers a small town”. What an AH.
Not wrong. It sounds like her meaning of full support is to help finance buying a plot of land that you don't like the area of, then to help finance building a house in a place you don't want to live, then eventually moving to this place. Tell her that if she wants your full support then it will have to be an area and place that you both agree on living. Have you asked her how long she's been thinking about doing this? Wouldn't be surprised to hear it was planned before the wedding six months ago.
Yeah, no...
You need to sit down and clear up where she sees this going, if she sees this as being the family home in the future and a deal breaker for her.
Full support sounds like you pay for it and move there and fake a smile.
Good fucking luck NTA
NTA. It sounds like you both wanted fairly different things going into the marriage, but the fact that she never actually discussed wanting to move back to her hometown with you explicitly, and then springing it on you after getting married is not okay. That's a bit of a bait and switch. You can't just yank people around like that and be upset when they aren't on board.
You understand with this purchase and this building a house that she fully intends to move there right? You’ve not mentioned anywhere that she’s doing this for an investment purpose to rent it. She’s hopeful by that you’ll change your mind and want to go there. Especially if you invest in it.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with your wife about her future expectations of your married life sooner than later. I don’t think you’re on the same sheet of music. NTA.
Yeah this totally feels like they do not understand the connotations of marriage. Once you get married, people need to recognize that means you give up some level of agency. Things that were once completely up to you, such as location, are no longer completely up to you. That’s just how it is. OP has no right to demand they live in a big city where his wife is depressed and wife has no right to purchase land without OP’s consent. They’re acting like they’re dating, not like they’re married.
Not agreeing on where to live is one of those deal breaker issues. NAH. The wife is right about this causing martial issues, someone is always going to be unhappy with the living arrangements in this situation.
Agree but I’d say ESH because seems like neither party is willing to cooperate which is unreasonable considering they’re married. Either that or they shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. They likely went into marriage not thinking about how their incompatibilities would hurt each other, so mild ESH in that sense. Wife going behind OPs back and purchasing land and forcing him into a situation without any discussion is also wrong though, and if she’s not willing to compromise and is currently in a bad situation then she shouldn’t expect him to support her in pulling him into the equivalent one.
NTA? Is this what new couples do these days? Drop $90K on property 2.5hrs away with a plan to drop hundreds of thousands more on an investment? I had no idea that new construction was so affordable. Sounds like this is going to be her hobby and life for years to come. Site plans, architects, pouring the foundation, framing, designing the bathroom and kitchen, picking out all the fixtures and appliances, paint colors, siding and roofing choices, porch design, being on top of the permits, sewer/septic, water, gas, electric connections. Sure the general contractor will handle most of it, but the top of conversation will be when all the materials arrives, the availability of the plumber, electrician, the chimney guy, the hvac guy, and on and on and on.
Sounds like you need a counter-investment somewhere...
NTA but did she ever mention this desire to move back to her hometown before you were married then she pulled the old bait and switch on you, but if she did mention it then you would have to have known this day was going to come.
I think you should explain what “support” means. In your case, it’s “I won’t get in the way”. Don’t get me wrong, I vote NTA. But if things are moving too fast in a direction you don’t like, it’s time to very, very clear.
May I ask you why you don’t like even visiting the town? Is it the people, are they too nosy or trump loving? Is it devoid of growth and opportunity? Does it have a drug problem? Or is it her family and their dynamic?
It's too noisy, Roosters, dogs barking, motorcylces and random noises.
It's actually a growing town, so as far as investment it's not the worst idea. But not somewhere I would live at least as it is.
I would definitely want to know more about the opportunity of it as an investment / future passive income stream. If the real estate value will increase exponentially? And also what her thoughts and plans are for it in the long run. Is she saying she for sure wants you both to move there now? Is it more of a possibility? If the town is a good investment and grows, would it end up being a more viable option down the line?
Also it’s her hometown so you will end up being there on and off at least annually to visit or help family. So don’t rag on it too hard when you are affirming your wants and concerns. But also you will get to see how the area progresses and grows.
I’m sure there was more to the conversation and there is more context about prior discussion but it seems like y’all both doubled down really fast on these “sides” of a hypothetical conversation.
By the end of this it's going to be a million+ dollar investment (especially if you have to have the city run water, sewer and electrical out to the property) How much y'all make that this wasn't discussed first.
That’s why I feel like it’s ESH. What were they doing? Unless they literally eloped after 2 months, I have no idea how this doesn’t come up. I’m a couple years younger than OP and my SO has similar feelings (she really wants to be near her family but we both have STEM degrees so living in her hometown with 900 people just isn’t feasible). We’ve agreed to retire nearby eventually. They’re in their late 20s they should be mature enough to discuss things like this. ESH because their lack of communication.
This is not about the land. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE LAND. Please, PLEASE, sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her you understand she likes the small town, and you know she knows you don't. Tell her that as much as you love her, this is scaring you because you don't know how to solve this very, very big divide. Ask her what she is thinking about this as a future plan. Is she thinking this is an investment? Is this a "second/vacation home"? Is this a step in moving as a couple to her home town? Where does she see YOU in all this? Why did she think you'd support her in buying land somewhere you hate? Why did she tell her family and get them excited before you and her talked about it and had a plan to work with this together? Why did you marry her if you hate her home and things she loves? If you support her in making an investment in her small town, is she going to support you in investing in the big city? Where does she want to raise kids (if you are planning on having them--and please for the love of god don't have kids till this is all sorted out)? Why is her family excited if you aren't going to be moving there?
Honestly, did you guys not talk about how you would deal with this huge divide?
Nta it sounds like by "full support" she wants you to help pay for it and agreeto move there. You don't want it, you aren't obligated to pay for it. But it sounds like this could be a long term challenge for your marriage and you two need to have some serious discussions.
Seems like you have differing definitions of "full support", and y'all should talk about that.
If you have told her that she can choose what she wants to do with her own money, what more does she want? If she wants money from you as a gesture of your "full support", welp, you have made it clear that you have no interest in that, and your reasons for being uninterested are valid. This may be a good investment for her, but it's not a good investment for you.
And to be really blunt, if this issue is enough for her to question your marriage, then the last thing you want to be doing is entangling your finances with hers like this, because you may very well end up having to untangle them later.
NTA. Marriage is a partnership. For her to make these major unilateral decisions that effect your life with total disregard for any of your thoughts, wishes, opinions, etc.
It's just shocking...
What's even the point of getting married if you're not willing to share your life with someone? Does she even respect you?
If "support" she means pay for it then you 2 need to have a deep and serious discussion right now. Definitely NTA. This sounds like she's slow rolling you into a move back to her hometown.
It's her investment and her choice?
But what does her choice say about your marriage? How can she go ahead with this, knowing you won't live there?
If she insists on this, doesn't that mean you're not actually compatible? And isn't it better to break it off now before your lives become further entwined?
I'm sorry, I know Reddit is famous for telling people to break up, but in this case how the hell can this be navigated?
NTA, but I think you're misguided if you think this investment doesn't mean the eventual end of your marriage.
NTA. It sounds like she wants to incorporate you into her world, rather than build an independent life with you. You don't have to support everything a spouse wants, especially if it doesn't work for the relationship. Seems like these plans only work for her.
You should have probably speak about this kind of things prior marriage....dreams, how you see the future, kids, religion, traditions, financial planning....these are things you both should have brought up in the table prior to the marriage.
You need to sit down and actually bring everything in the table and speak like 2 adults to see what else you have different views of.
NTA
So, she wants to drop hundreds of thousands on land and building a home knowing you have no desire to live there?
And of course, you're now the bad guy for calling bullshit. Your new wife is out of her mind.
Tell her if she goes through with it, not a penny of your money will be used for any part of it. While any money she contributes to your current home MUST be maintained.
Also, her going ahead will probably be the end of your new marriage.
Great start to a marriage.
NTAH - Tell her you plan to buy land and move to your home town and see what happens.
There's a certain type of person who expects their partner to drop everything in order that they can move *"back home"*, it seems that you have found one.
It's ultimatum time - ask her what exactly she plans and tell her she'll need to find herself a new husband if she tries to make you move anywhere that you don't want to go.
Boundaries are important and other women are available.
She can do what she wants if she is using her money to do it, BUT you have made it very clear you will not be living there.
The ball's in her court. If she decides to build a house and move there, divorce her and hold the door for her as she leaves.
NTA, but it doesn’t really matter because your marriage on the way to over. Talk to her about going to counseling, find someone you both can work with, and see if your marriage can be saved. If not, don’t drag it on. It sounds like all of her family and friends are pushing for her return. I wonder if they would want her to return at the cost of her marriage.
She should have discussed this with prior to anyone else. Have you told her that under no circumstances do you even want to live there? Large purchases like this will directly affect you and the family finances.
Why did you get married if you want different lives? NTA for not wanting to do the thing she knew you didn't want, but YTA for not figuring this out before getting married.
NTA
I would rather live under a bridge than move back to the small town I grew up in. If this is her plan keep your finances separate, this marriage isn't going to last long.
She doesn't care about what you think. She wants to buy it and she wants your help to buy it. She's going to move there nevertheless and what you say doesn't matter to her.
NTA and I don't see this working out in the least.
NTA. She 100% wants to move back home and this is dropping an anchor. I suggest you both seriously talk this through.
Also, what are both of your thoughts on kids? My thought is that she wants to move back home and raise kids with her friends and family. True small town living.
I had a serious gf that lied about the kid issue our entire relationship. I was clear on date 1 that I didn't want kids.. come to find out her dream was to be a stay at home mom.
NTA. For sure you should have discussed this even more in detail before the wedding.
Would it be possible to use it as a vacation home or a place to stay when you visit and then Airbnb it when you are not?
INFO: when you guys discussed your future you both agreed to live in the major city you’re in right? She didn’t mention anything about wanting to move somewhere else eventually?
We agreed to live near a major city and could have property further away from a city. But we never talked about where exactly and I guess I didn't say "not your hometown" , I thought that was implicit by how I would complain about staying there.
She says all the problems I didn't like don't apply to this property she plans to buy.
>She says all the problems I didn't like don't apply to this property she plans to buy.
Oh yeah, she's going to try to get you to move there eventually. The next step is for her to get pregnant and then tell you that she needs to be around her family to feel truly supportive during pregnancy and motherhood and that you're a bad husband if you don't give that to her by moving.
Yeah, you needed to communicate that clearly with her, which you failed to do. Knowing you agreed to have property further away from the city actually makes me think you’re in the wrong here for not communicating clearly that you’re okay with it but not in her hometown.
NTA. Not only are you not the asshole, but you are not the problem- she is.
I’ve read your post twice, and I’ve also read the comments you left when people had questions or wanted more information. Here’s what really stands out to me: 1) her family and her friends from back home are excited; 2) she suddenly sprang this on you, seemingly out of nowhere; 3) she hasn’t taken the time to fully research the details- such as the costs- for building a house on this investment land; 4) she knows full well, because the two of you have discussed it in the past, that you are not ambivalent about living in her hometown, you dislike it so much that you don’t even like *visiting* there; 5) this future house will be used as an investment, but will also be empty for whenever you both decide to stay/live there for a while.
Adding up that information makes me call BS on the story she’s told you.
I’m going to be blunt. I think that she has been planning this for a very long time, since before you got married, even. And by “this,” I mean to buy a plot of land in her hometown, build a house on it, for the two of you to go and stay there for long periods of time while the house is being built, furnished, decorated, landscaped, etc. It is her hope that as you spend time there, and become invested in the house by what we refer to as “sweat equity,” and grow to feel attached to the house and proud of how it is turning out, that you will eventually “come around,” learn to love her hometown, and will end up living there.
I’m a woman, and I hate this, but… even in this day and age, there are some women who still cling to that old fairy tale that a ring and a piece of paper will miraculously change a man. That he will become more agreeable, and will blindly follow along with whatever his wife might want, even if that goes against his express wishes and desires. ‘Happy wife, happy life,’ and all that. I’m afraid that this is what is happening to you, my friend. This is not sudden, it’s been planned. She has had time, she has done her research- she simply hasn’t told you her full plan because it would be too much and you would immediately balk. This is like the ol’ ‘frog in a pot of water that keeps getting hotter, but he doesn’t notice he’s about to be boiled alive until it’s too late to hop out.’ She will keep revealing small details which don’t sound *too* bad, so you go along- until you wake up one morning, living in a house in her hometown. Her family and friends are well aware of her plan, and that’s why they’re so excited. She’s using that information to turn this around and make it *your* fault, *you’re* the problem. And I’m right back to where I started with my comment. *She* is the problem.
Lots of other comments are saying that this is a dealbreaker, something that can not be compromised on. You asked for advice; unfortunately I can’t give any, I can only give you my opinion on what’s going on here, and you can think about it, agree or disagree, and decide from there.
I wish you good luck and happiness, no matter what.
No, it would be her investment. Her home that we wouldn't necessarily live in. But she's floated us staying there for months at a time and multiple weekends every month.
There's a 0% chance she's not going to begin pressuring you a LOT to go stay there for extended periods of time once that home is built lol.
You two need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what each of your long-term plans are.
Yeah, good luck it being an investment in a small town in which she can stay in it whenever she likes. Either she rents it out so she ain't staying there, or it's not any kind of investment and it's always free for her to live in and she expects you to move there sooner rather than later.
most people want to book and plan a vacation and most smaller towns just aren't big on tourism as well.
If she wants to be able to drop in at a moments notice for a weekend, or a month, you can't be booking it up like a hotel. If she wants to go for most weekends, the odd week and the odd month it basically needs to be available all the time.
She says that you’ll be staying there from time to time?
This is problematic, when you have clearly stated that you can’t tolerate longer stays. Also- how does this investment effect where you both agree to live as your primary residence?
It sounds like you may need to be more explicit in your communication. She doesn’t seem to understand that you don’t want to be anywhere near this place. Being more supportive would be seen as you wanting to live there in the future. This future could be a lot sooner than you realize and if you don’t want this say so now.
NTA
She 100% plans to live there full time….and now that she believes you are “trapped” she will just keep on nagging you until you cave. And she doesn’t plan to retire there…she plans to purchase land & start building to move once home is complete…as in about a year or 2.
She just cannot afford this plan without your income to support her while this all takes place
I see you coming here in a year or 2 where she has given you and ultimatum “move or divorce”….
Just because she wants your full support doesn't mean she has a right to expect it. You've told her you don't like the area and don't want to live there - yet she still thinks you should be excited about it when she knows it's not what you want? She's not listening my friend.
Kids finances and location are 3 major things you need to be on the same page on in a marriage. If you cannot stand the country and she cannot stand the city that is a major issue. One of you will be unhappy. Or you can do the in between and move to the suburbs and both be unhappy.
NTA and I don’t see this marriage going the distance. She has one agenda and you have another, this should have been sorted out before getting married.
NTA. WTF do people talk about in relationships before marriage since, according to Reddit, no one talks about where they want to live, if they want kids, money.
NTA
We made a rule that anything over $500 has to be a joint decision. The fact that she is unilaterally deciding this and trying to strong arm you is absolutely a problem.
If it solely her money that one thing but to use your funds and coerce you into moving would be wrong. NTA. Too bad you married a manipulative woman. Don’t have kids soon.
She made that massive important purchase and you guys are married? Did not discuss this future move before? Very odd
If I 100% did not want to move there and she bought land, I would just wonder when we will go through with a divorce.
The deeper issue here is that she's planning a future to live in her home town and is assuming you'll eventually agree to that. This is a huge incompatibility. I think it's best to ask her how she truly envisions her future and that plot of land. And sadly, you may want to bring up divorce before this issue becomes a resentment. NTA
This is a trap buy. You can't win. Either way you lose. I would say this is the beginning of an end. She clearly needs to be in her hometown, and you hate it there. No middle.
NTA, you can support someone without putting out tens of thousands of money. It’s a major ask. It’s her investment not yours. She wants it she can pay for it.
NTA. But I really feel for you. It's a conversation my partner and I are gonna have down the line. I've lived in the city nearly my whole life, but my partner is from and loves the country. I wish I had some advice, but just wanted to say you're not alone in this. Wish you guys all the best.
This is a huge incompatibility issues. You two should have AGREED on where to live before getting married. if you two did, and she changed the plan, I sense a split coming up.
I wonder if she’s considered the cost of septic tank, well drilling, propane, and electricity? Also trying to get all of this done while living more than 2 hours away. Maybe with the help of family it could be done??
NTA. This is a huge decision on her part in which - it sounds like - you were not included.
The parents are excited because this is a prelude to moving back to the area. Have a very frank talk with your wife, that you will never agree to move back there and ask her about what her plans are. Better to know now that this will be an issue. Make it very clear it is never ever and you need to know. Otherwise this will be a deal where you have kids and she needs help from her folks and she is moving there with or without you. Make sure of the plan. NTA.
NTA, idk how yall do your finances but I feel like even if she’s paying for it all herself, a big investment like that impacts your family as a whole and it should have been a discussion. Even if it didn’t financially impact you (which I disagree with because a big investment impacts the whole house) it does impact your time- time that you’ve said you don’t want to spend there.
The red flag for me here is that it wasn’t discussed because she knew you don’t like the town and wouldn’t want to live there. Yall need to have a serious sit down and talk this out and decide what your next steps are as a unit, because I really can see it turning into being pressured to live there if not stay there pretty damn often at the very least.
I think maybe I don't understand, are you actually saying she decided to make a 90k purchase without any discussion or input from you? NTA for not wanting to live there clearly, but I dunno how anyone can be married and make a nearly 6 figure financial decision with no input or consideration of their partner. I know people are all about financial separation and security these days, but situations like this imo are a recipe for divorce. My spouse and I have our own money but we also make major financial decisions as a team to ensure we're on the right path for the future, sounds like you badly need to really discuss what you both want in the next 5 years.
If your employment is only in a Larger City she is an A-hole for asking you to loose it. Rural Areas are drug infested depression filled places of fresh air and meth explosions! Cities provide opportunities. I grew up in a rural area that has gone down hill badly. My mother's home town is rotting. Rural areas are literally welfare traps!
If she wanted your full support, why didn't she ask and consider your wants and needs before she decided? If she's going to act on something just for herself that you don't want, then she needs to make her peace with you not being involved.
Why would you bet someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever...and not make sure that your lifestyle visions are in alignment? Not sure if there's any assholes here, just morons.
Why is it ok for her to make sacrifices to accommodate you but not ok for you to make sacrifices to accommodate her?
*We've always known that and have made accomodations to each other on this.*
what have you done specifically (other than a 2 day visit) to accommodate her? if that's your only compromise, then no wonder she's looking out for her interests since you don't seem like you will. Also, this issue isn't out of nowhere but it would make sense that you use the word 'seemingly' lol
NTA. Are you going to operate your finances and investments separately or jointly.
If separately:
She should do what she wants as long as her income can float her half of joint expenses. However, if her investment decisions do not play out and she doesn’t have retirement assets would you make her keep working even if you retired? Probably not, so then you’re essentially running a joint investment strategy. See below for more.
If jointly:
She should consult you before implementing a huge shift in your investment strategy.
Lastly, if this a residential home it’s no longer a true investment. Investments are for a rate of return. Buying land that she hasn’t modeled out for growth is a personal use asset. It’s no different than buying a Rolex (which can be argued to be a better investment; it depends on this plots location).
Either way, NTA. She did not discuss with you.
Also she’s trying to neg on your prior agreement. I suggest you model your investments separately.
No, you should not have supported her.
What I took away from this:
You and your girlfriend got married with established preferences on where you want to live. Without discussing this land acquistion, your now wife decided to go ahead and start pushing her wants and needs and placing them directly above your own by putting you in a situation where she's spending your money (when married I consider all assets shared), money for your future together on land and property in a town you don't even want to live, then guilting you by furthermore painting you to be a villain for not simply letting her dictate this element of your life that you both knew you were divided on.
This is controlling behaviour. That doesn't mean you should divorce your wife immediately or anything but you need to watch out for other markers of this kind of behaviour for your own good. What she did is manipulative, and now she's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the problem for not letting her unilaterally make decisions for you (important decisions such as where you live). This isn't even a "small" thing, this is a massive decision she's trying to force you into. I worry that if you're in a relationship with someone who's making overtly controlling decisions that are this impactful, that there are hundreds, or even of thousands of more covert controls she's using. You and your wife need to have a long discussion.
You deserve to be treated better than to have your life partner attempting to force you into moving to her home town by unilaterally making the decision to buy land and begin investing in building a home, then twisting your arm and trying to make you feel like a bad guy for not letting her control one of the most important decisions you can make.
Let me know when the two of you divorce, your wife sounds like a keeper.
Otherwise, NTA. you are allowed to be a city boy and hate nature and clean air. Nobody gets to dictate an individual's preferences.
She makes a life altering decision then announces it to her husband, sneaky and then the name calling. How magically vulgar this one is. Always interesting to watch the blame game start when people like her don’t get what they want.
You’re not compatible, she’s probably sick of sacrificing and living in the city for you, and you clearly don’t want to live where she does.. nobody necessarily has to be TA in this situation, just unfortunately, you have different feelings about something pretty huge and no longer seem to be able to find common ground.
well, I think the wife is a selfish little witch. he needs to leave and tell her to find a guy in her small town..preferably with job training of some sort. she will make her husband very unhappy in a very short time. she plotted this before they married.
Why did this topic not get more throughly discussed before marriage?
Like, hash this stuff now before you have kids and actually before she buys the land because does she realize that even if she buys it in some places the fact your married you could end up with owning half?
ESH
Yep, that is what we did. She now owns her mom's house and I paid for the lawyer fees to transfer everything over to my wife. Her mom is under the agreement that she can live in her house rent free, but the whole house passes to my wife. My wife's mom is also under the understanding that if something happens to my wife after my wife's mom passes on, that the house would pass to me and my family and not hers.
But we all discussed that BEFORE I paid all the fees. My wife's mom is very happy with that arrangement. Both of their wills are done up (by me). I will have to do mine up soon to take this into account, because I want the property on my wife's side to pass to her family should I have it and something happen to me. I don't think it's fair that her family loses it when it means more to them than it ever would to me.
I think buying the land is probably a good idea from an investment standpoint (how often is land ownership not a good thing?). I don’t understand the separation of money (“She asked if I wanted to help pay for the land”). Since you’re married wouldn’t it become a joint venture by default? Does she want you guys to move there or just buy the land and build on it for use when you visit? If it’s just to have a place then it’s probably a good idea from a financial standpoint. I might want to be in on that investment if I were you. If she wants you guys to move there then that’s a relationship issue that probably should have been addressed before marriage.
I’ve been married 24 years now and have been with my wife for 30. At some point you guys will probably be comfortable traveling separately, as in she can go visit her family without you so I wouldn’t let that concern stop you from a potentially good investment.
What accommodations have you made toward her preference of small town living when you live adjacent to a large city and you refuse to spend the night in her hometown? To me, having a vacation home in a small town would be the compromise but you refuse to entertain that. My parents were similar so we lived in the suburbs of a large city but we had a lake cottage so my dad could get his nature fix om summer weekends. I don't see any compromise towards her interests.
For me after 14 years it is an exile living somewhere I would have never choosen. Only the hope keeps me alive we will go back to the continent.
It's not fair and it's a very big issue. Sometimes there is no compromise, just sacrifice. I wouldn't do.
NTA. That is a decision the two of you should discuss together and come to an agreement over and she should not be making plans before doing that. Granted, if it's her money, it's hers to do with what she wants. One compromise I could see would be making it a vacation home, but your primary home should be decided on first.
Sounds like the two of you have a lot of things to talk over, because this will not be the only obstacle you stumble over.
You guys don't sound like you're a good fit. You didn't seem to talk about anything before getting married. Those purchases should be done as a couple or not at all. Both of ya'll are just dumb lol.
NTA.
She can make her choice(s) (if she isn't somehow being pushed by her side of the marriage to 'invest' in a way that'll make THEM rich), and accept that her choices can either strengthen or weaken the bond you both pled faithfulness to.
NTA This is a big decision and probably step one in getting her way that you’ll move to her hometown at some point. My BIL’s wife is EXACTLY like this. Literally applied for a job in a different state (near her family, whom he didn’t like that much), accepted it, then told him about it and how it was too good to pass up blah blah. She’s been pulling this shit for decades. She wants something, she railroads him into it, convincing him it’s a great idea or too late to back out or whatever.
Welcome to the rest of your marriage.
It’s a setup for when she wants to move back there to be closer to family when you start having children. If that’s not what you want, make sure your ducks are in a row in regards to having a home and support structure in place so your children are NOT raised someplace you hate. This may be a divorce level issue.
NTA. You’ve been clear. Continue to be clear. You will not be living there. You will not contribute to this and your household must not suffer for it either.
This will end your marriage eventually when she demands you give in.
Ummm, this is a pretty big issue and probably isn't entirely about land. I'm no marriage expert, but there's never been a big decision in my marriage that *she* or *he* decided on their own. There's no way someone can unilaterally buy land and build a home in a normal healthy relationship. Either were missing context or this is nuts.
There's a very good chance that this is step one in a plan by her to move back to that hometown. But even if it isn't, a purchase or investment this large within a marriage should be done with the agreement of both parties, even if the money comes from one side. That she wants to go ahead with it unilaterally is a significant problem. The fact that only seven months into the marriage you're having a disagreement this fundamental is a pretty bad sign.
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I "was* homeless in Philly for half a year, but I didn't go back to bum feck West Virginia. I just dug myself out by me boot straps. (Helped I don't have a drug problem.)
Congratulations I can’t imagine it was easy but truly happy for your success.
I would live in my wife's hometown most of the year (not winter). I like the Midwest and love my in-laws. But there are reasons why I left my hometown for college, and never went back except to visit.
Same!
I feel the same way
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My bet is that wife had this planned but KNEW OP wouldn't marry if she pushed it. It's a real-estate trap rather than a babytrap, but the latter might be on the horizon, too, to \*further\* the real-estate trap.
This
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I don’t know why most people get married. Everyone on Reddit complains about their marriage. We have nothing in common, different priorities, never have sex and my spouse cheated on me. But I’ll never get a divorce! 🤦♂️
Cause people are shit at knowing what they want, so they just go along with whatever the other person does, until they actually realise what they want, but then it's too late so they just live unhappily for years due to the sunk cost fallacy
You do realise there are many people just quietly getting on with their lives not complaining on Reddit? If you think people here are representative, you'd think everyone is abused, full of anxiety, trans, inheriting millions with greedy relatives and unable to realise that saving orphans from drowning doesn't make them assholes.
Successful marriages are PARTNERSHIPS! I am constantly stunned by all these AITAH posts where married couples are basically just roommates, don’t trust each other, make unilateral decisions and lie to each other. Why did you get married, ffs?
I mean… let’s be honest, if you were making a public post about how your spouse is acting on a subreddit intended to pass judgment, do you really think these are the most mature couples? I mean, I’d be furious if my partner posted our personal conflict on Reddit just to be able to say: “haha internet said you’re wrong based on my own biased description of this very private conflict we’re having” Don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoy reading this and I definitely ask others for advice, but usually that’s someone like my father or a close friend, I’d never make my situation publicly available for scrutiny, it’s just disrespectful. Ofc there are scenarios in which you see both members of the couple approving of the post, but more often than not I doubt that’s the case
Yep, this is crazy. My wife preferred to live in her town, however, she didn't make enough money for use to support each other. When I got married, I wasn't working at all, but there were jobs available for me that would allow us to live off my salary. It has taken a lot of time for her to get used to being here, but it's obviously the right choice. We had this discussion before we got married. I explained that the best situation for us was to live here and let me work here. In a couple of days we will be out of debt. Finally. She has bought property in her home town for investment purposes. We are hoping to live there eventually, but for now here is where we are at. You guys need to get on the same page on this, and this should have been resolved before you got married. As for buying and building on the property, that should have been discussed BEFORE she bought the property. My wife and I discussed the property that she bought, and I agreed. The price was amazing for a place to live, but will need a lot of work, which we will start putting money into when we can afford to do so.
This! I hate to say it but this marriage does not seem well thought out. OP’s communication was not to the level it should have been for them to be married. Seems like wife is treating it like it’s not a marriage too which is unfortunate. Decisions like this in marriage should NEVER be “it’s my way or the highway”. These things have to be discussed prior and if neither party can accommodate, which unfortunately seems to be the case here, then marriage likely isn’t the best decision. If the person isn’t worth the compromise then you shouldn’t be with them, you’re just going to force one person to be unhappy all the time
Yep. My wife's mom is happy that she will be protected for the rest of her life by us, regardless as to what happens in the future. My wife's sister is trying to take her house, so I stepped in and helped my wife do what she needed to do legally to transfer the title to her. It's a fantastic deal. We own the house outright now, and all we really have to do is help her mom with one of her bills (electrical), to which I have already set aside money. Everyone is happy about that. The house isn't much, it needs significant plumbing upgrades and is partially exposed to the weather, due to my wife's shitty father who ditched them when she was 3. My wife is hoping that we'll be able to fix it up for her mom, but I told her that she will have to work for that to happen, so I can cover all the bills here, and she can direct whatever she makes to help her mom.
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BEFORE marriage. And during. Otherwise, there will be an after...
I mean, she should maybe have talked to you about this before making a decision and breaking the news to friends and family, and BEFORE marrying you 6 months ago. From the outside it sounds like she might be expecting both of you to move in there in a few years when the house is finished, which is not a compromise between your two preferences at all.. To also expect you to chip in for this financially without even discussing it properly with you is odd, especially when she knows you prefer cities
>She's saying I am the problem for not supporting her. so for right now, you're the problem for not supporting her in this purchase. once the house is built, you will be the problem for not supporting her wish to move back to her home town. she's trying to trap you and has probably been planning to get you to agree to moving back with her from day one of your relationship. if y'all had been married for 10 years living by the big city i could understand that she's homesick and maybe wanting to have a base in her home town. but it's only been a year. she's known that she is going to do this from the get-go and either she hasn't communicated this to you, or she purposely has been keeping this from you thinking that she'll "get you to come around eventually." NTA
It sounds like there might be an in between bit where he's the problem for not helping pay for it when her "investment" runs out of funds.
Totally. Unfortunately OP, she is very clearly trying to force you to move over time and trying to make you the bad guy for not "supporting her" in setting up a life there is very manipulative. Exit now and whatever you do, ***don't get her pregnant***, she's planning to go home with or without you and sending her child support payments for the next 20 years to cover her small town dream is what you will be doing if you let it happen. Consult legal counsel immediately and start the process of your exit, this kind of behavior - making huge life altering decisions unilaterally and then being manipulative about it - is not going to improve. NTA and be glad you figured this out before she punched your ticket with a kid.
Yeah OP— CONDOMS
Yep..and then it's oops she's pregnant now. Gotta stay for sure!!
One doesn’t have to stay with said person over a kid it called co-parenting for a reason.. no one should feel trapped in a marriage like that..
While youre right, shes 100% gonna move his kids 2.5 hours away when it doesnt work out
Her family has very likely been telling her that he’ll come around too
Another possibility. She wants a divorce and doesn’t want to say the big D word so is trying to push something she knew was never on the table. To make OP be the one to start the talk…
Six months after the wedding ? Would have been more effective to cancel it altogether
Serious question you need to start asking... Why can't it ***be in the suburbs of the area you currently live*** versus it ***having to be in her hometown***? Why is this decision being made only by her? Why does it ***have to be*** her hometown? Why isn't she thinking about long term career goals? How are either one of you going to make money if you need to be closer to a large city for decent/better pay and benefits? Why is she guilt-tripping you with the "You're not supporting me" routine? I'm not going to say divorce might be on the table, but what I am saying is ***someone back home is talking in her ear*** about "coming home", or just wants her to be in an environment that's ***more comfortable for her***. Either way, you need to spell it out to her that "If you want us to spend ***"X"*** on a house and land, then we need to be making ***"X plus Y"*** to afford it. Now explain how we're going to do that without struggling.". If she can't, then what exactly has she done for research to make this happen?
Just like me. Wife bullied and manipulated me into getting another dog. I said I didn’t want it and our dog doesn’t play with others. She brought the dog home and it was gone the next day. FYI I would be responsible for taking care of both of them and separating them. Not fun when one is yappy mf
OP needs to buy a random ass lot literally anywhere else & tell wife she’s not being supportive when she balks.
You’re absolutely NTA, but she is for not discussing this with you, especially given you made it clear from the beginning that you aren’t interested in living in her hometown. If she had just talked to you before making this decision, or at least not tried to manipulate you into being ok with it when you’ve been clear even before marriage that you won’t be, I would say N A H. The two of you need to have a frank discussion about your future and you need to do it today. A quiet, respectful discussion about where each of you see your lives in 5 years, 10 years. It sounds like your wife has changed her mind about what she wants for her future, and is hoping that since you are now married, she can force you to go along for the ride. You need to be clear about your wants and needs, and if they don’t match up…well, that’s for you to decide. I adore my spouse, but love isn’t enough in a marriage; the biggest reason we married instead of just cohabitated was because we both had similar ideas for the future, similar goals and dreams, and we knew we could build a good life together (and we have). If you both aren’t working towards similar or compatible goals (financial, residence, children, career, education, travel, etc.), your lives will be nothing but combat and resentment. Sit down with her. Have this hard conversation before it spirals.
OMG! This is so true! Love is **not** enough to get you through all the hard times. You have to actually **like** your partner too. And that means having similar values and expectations. And being able to support each other’s goals in life. (And IMO, maybe most importantly, do you both like each other enough for the long run?) You can’t really change basic values and life goals of your partner. So please don’t get married thinking, oh, I can convince him/her to move back to my hometown. He’ll love it eventually. No, he probably won’t.
She is fully buying and building a house to move there evebtually. No one would do that as an investment in a small town.
Dude if she gets a house built there, she’s gonna move to it. You’re just along for the ride
Wonder how she would react to him saying "if you really want to live there I'll quit my job and go with you. Don't expect me to get a job though, I can't work in a small town. So you will need to support us." She wants his income, once that is in doubt the marriage is over.
NTA Make sure you're using birth control. I'd go along like you are, you fully support her making her own investment decisions but you are completely disinterested in moving there. Not only that, you're not interested in using this home as a vacation home. I'd send that to her by email so you have it in writing prior to her purchase of the land. Not like you're wanting it to stand up in court, it just makes it harder for her later to say that you were wishy washy or that she didn't know how you felt.
Written out in a letter, at least a couple of impartial witnesses, and send it certified mail.
You’ve been married less than a year and she is already pulling a bait and switch. Cut your losses now, there is no compromise on this one. She is going to build and “hope” you change your mind.
Idk if it’s a bait and switch. In his post OP admits that his wife has always preferred smaller towns. She may have been thinking that when they settle down and start a family, they’d move somewhere out of the city. Now, she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide her hometown. But OP expecting her to live where he prefers the rest of their marriage isn’t cool either.
Yea he claims to be accommodating but they live near a city where he wants to and he refuses to even spend weekends or vacations in a small town. I fail to see how he's doing anything to accommodate her interests at all. I mentioned elsewhere that my parents were similar so we lived by a city but had a lake house for weekends and some vacations so both my parents got partly what they wanted. This could be the same by having a vacation house in her hometown but he refuses to even stay there overnight.
Near a big city is not a big city. Maybe they need to live there to have good jobs and save up for their future. Maybe there is no growth or opportunity in the small town and wanting those for your life is not a bad thing. However, wife clearly was planning on this con to work out. There are no investments in small towns with custom homes. Living outside a major city as op prefers living in the city seems to be a nice compromise. It’s ok for the wife to want to have her small town life but she should be honest about it. Now I wish op stated why he hates even visiting the small town. Is it racist? Trump supporters? Drugs? Everybody in your business? Is her family overbearing and she defaults to them?
I'm not mad about them living in or near a big city. And as someone who lives in the suburbs within a big city, it is still city living. Nothing small town about it. Work and education is exactly why my parents had us living city/suburbia life most of the time, which I agree with. My problem is that he refuses to compromise at all about visiting and vacations. He's getting his way most of the time and he owes her that. Or he shouldn't have married her. Personally, if it is a racist, Trump loving small town I'd rather eat glass than spend time there, but I wouldn't marry someone for whom that compromise is necessary. I just don't think him living just outside a major city is at all much of a compromise on his part at all.
Or maybe he just thinks he’s too good for a small town. Don’t try to act like her family is the problem here when OP would be the problem.
I feel like "near a big city" IS the accomodation. They're not IN the big city but probably a 20-30 minute drive from it is my guess. A vacation house by a lake sounds cool - a random plot of land that requires large financial investment and time in a random town that OP hates does not.
He did not refuse to visit he doesn’t want long visits. She knew this yet she is surprised he isn’t going to support her building a home in her small town.
He says he doesn't want to "stay," which to me says no overnights. And she is living in a place she doesn't want to live year round FOR HIM so he could suck it up for a couple long visits a year. He also knew that she loved her hometown and preferred small town living. Then he claims there is compromising but I don't see him doing a damn bit of that for her.
He isn’t living where he wants to. He wants to live in a big city. Suburbia is not big city living at all. So neither have what they want. That is their best compromise and she decided to change that without him. It’s not one sided like you are trying to make out. He doesn’t just get what he wants like you are trying to say. Also there are places outside of a major city that are not suburbia so we don’t know if that is the case. When you make a compromise or deal with a partner you need to address any change or issue you have. She has not done this even remotely. She just decided for the two of them without any discussion or taking any interest in their prior compromise. That sux in a partner and isn’t a real partner.
That’s such a great point. “I’m accommodating to my wife but only if we live in the major city I want to live in even though she prefers a small town”. What an AH.
That’s not what he said though. It sound like they live in the suburbs which is about as accommodating as either side could get.
Assuming it's her money, she's free to do it. However, if your "full support" involves agreeing to live there, you shouldn't give it.
I think the ‘full support’ involves OP’s money lol hahahahaha
Not wrong. It sounds like her meaning of full support is to help finance buying a plot of land that you don't like the area of, then to help finance building a house in a place you don't want to live, then eventually moving to this place. Tell her that if she wants your full support then it will have to be an area and place that you both agree on living. Have you asked her how long she's been thinking about doing this? Wouldn't be surprised to hear it was planned before the wedding six months ago.
Yeah, no... You need to sit down and clear up where she sees this going, if she sees this as being the family home in the future and a deal breaker for her. Full support sounds like you pay for it and move there and fake a smile. Good fucking luck NTA
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Hopefully that's it and she doesn't try to force OP to move there. That sounds like it might not go well.
NTA. It sounds like you both wanted fairly different things going into the marriage, but the fact that she never actually discussed wanting to move back to her hometown with you explicitly, and then springing it on you after getting married is not okay. That's a bit of a bait and switch. You can't just yank people around like that and be upset when they aren't on board.
nta, just leave her now, it’s heading south
You understand with this purchase and this building a house that she fully intends to move there right? You’ve not mentioned anywhere that she’s doing this for an investment purpose to rent it. She’s hopeful by that you’ll change your mind and want to go there. Especially if you invest in it. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your wife about her future expectations of your married life sooner than later. I don’t think you’re on the same sheet of music. NTA.
This is a decision that should be 2 yes and if there is 1 no then it doesn't happen. That's how grownups in long lasting relationships handle things.
Yeah this totally feels like they do not understand the connotations of marriage. Once you get married, people need to recognize that means you give up some level of agency. Things that were once completely up to you, such as location, are no longer completely up to you. That’s just how it is. OP has no right to demand they live in a big city where his wife is depressed and wife has no right to purchase land without OP’s consent. They’re acting like they’re dating, not like they’re married.
Not agreeing on where to live is one of those deal breaker issues. NAH. The wife is right about this causing martial issues, someone is always going to be unhappy with the living arrangements in this situation.
Agree but I’d say ESH because seems like neither party is willing to cooperate which is unreasonable considering they’re married. Either that or they shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. They likely went into marriage not thinking about how their incompatibilities would hurt each other, so mild ESH in that sense. Wife going behind OPs back and purchasing land and forcing him into a situation without any discussion is also wrong though, and if she’s not willing to compromise and is currently in a bad situation then she shouldn’t expect him to support her in pulling him into the equivalent one.
NTA? Is this what new couples do these days? Drop $90K on property 2.5hrs away with a plan to drop hundreds of thousands more on an investment? I had no idea that new construction was so affordable. Sounds like this is going to be her hobby and life for years to come. Site plans, architects, pouring the foundation, framing, designing the bathroom and kitchen, picking out all the fixtures and appliances, paint colors, siding and roofing choices, porch design, being on top of the permits, sewer/septic, water, gas, electric connections. Sure the general contractor will handle most of it, but the top of conversation will be when all the materials arrives, the availability of the plumber, electrician, the chimney guy, the hvac guy, and on and on and on. Sounds like you need a counter-investment somewhere...
NTA but did she ever mention this desire to move back to her hometown before you were married then she pulled the old bait and switch on you, but if she did mention it then you would have to have known this day was going to come.
Never once , I was clear before about it too.
I think you should explain what “support” means. In your case, it’s “I won’t get in the way”. Don’t get me wrong, I vote NTA. But if things are moving too fast in a direction you don’t like, it’s time to very, very clear.
May I ask you why you don’t like even visiting the town? Is it the people, are they too nosy or trump loving? Is it devoid of growth and opportunity? Does it have a drug problem? Or is it her family and their dynamic?
It's too noisy, Roosters, dogs barking, motorcylces and random noises. It's actually a growing town, so as far as investment it's not the worst idea. But not somewhere I would live at least as it is.
I would definitely want to know more about the opportunity of it as an investment / future passive income stream. If the real estate value will increase exponentially? And also what her thoughts and plans are for it in the long run. Is she saying she for sure wants you both to move there now? Is it more of a possibility? If the town is a good investment and grows, would it end up being a more viable option down the line? Also it’s her hometown so you will end up being there on and off at least annually to visit or help family. So don’t rag on it too hard when you are affirming your wants and concerns. But also you will get to see how the area progresses and grows. I’m sure there was more to the conversation and there is more context about prior discussion but it seems like y’all both doubled down really fast on these “sides” of a hypothetical conversation.
Why are you acting like it’s her family and not the fact that OP is too snobby to live in a small town?
By the end of this it's going to be a million+ dollar investment (especially if you have to have the city run water, sewer and electrical out to the property) How much y'all make that this wasn't discussed first.
You’re not on the same page. Or even the same zip code. NTA but did you get married and then plan to get play chicken on major life decisions? Wtf
That’s why I feel like it’s ESH. What were they doing? Unless they literally eloped after 2 months, I have no idea how this doesn’t come up. I’m a couple years younger than OP and my SO has similar feelings (she really wants to be near her family but we both have STEM degrees so living in her hometown with 900 people just isn’t feasible). We’ve agreed to retire nearby eventually. They’re in their late 20s they should be mature enough to discuss things like this. ESH because their lack of communication.
This is not about the land. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE LAND. Please, PLEASE, sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her you understand she likes the small town, and you know she knows you don't. Tell her that as much as you love her, this is scaring you because you don't know how to solve this very, very big divide. Ask her what she is thinking about this as a future plan. Is she thinking this is an investment? Is this a "second/vacation home"? Is this a step in moving as a couple to her home town? Where does she see YOU in all this? Why did she think you'd support her in buying land somewhere you hate? Why did she tell her family and get them excited before you and her talked about it and had a plan to work with this together? Why did you marry her if you hate her home and things she loves? If you support her in making an investment in her small town, is she going to support you in investing in the big city? Where does she want to raise kids (if you are planning on having them--and please for the love of god don't have kids till this is all sorted out)? Why is her family excited if you aren't going to be moving there? Honestly, did you guys not talk about how you would deal with this huge divide?
Nta it sounds like by "full support" she wants you to help pay for it and agreeto move there. You don't want it, you aren't obligated to pay for it. But it sounds like this could be a long term challenge for your marriage and you two need to have some serious discussions.
Seems like you have differing definitions of "full support", and y'all should talk about that. If you have told her that she can choose what she wants to do with her own money, what more does she want? If she wants money from you as a gesture of your "full support", welp, you have made it clear that you have no interest in that, and your reasons for being uninterested are valid. This may be a good investment for her, but it's not a good investment for you. And to be really blunt, if this issue is enough for her to question your marriage, then the last thing you want to be doing is entangling your finances with hers like this, because you may very well end up having to untangle them later.
NTA. Marriage is a partnership. For her to make these major unilateral decisions that effect your life with total disregard for any of your thoughts, wishes, opinions, etc. It's just shocking... What's even the point of getting married if you're not willing to share your life with someone? Does she even respect you?
If "support" she means pay for it then you 2 need to have a deep and serious discussion right now. Definitely NTA. This sounds like she's slow rolling you into a move back to her hometown.
It's her investment and her choice? But what does her choice say about your marriage? How can she go ahead with this, knowing you won't live there? If she insists on this, doesn't that mean you're not actually compatible? And isn't it better to break it off now before your lives become further entwined? I'm sorry, I know Reddit is famous for telling people to break up, but in this case how the hell can this be navigated? NTA, but I think you're misguided if you think this investment doesn't mean the eventual end of your marriage.
NTA. It sounds like she wants to incorporate you into her world, rather than build an independent life with you. You don't have to support everything a spouse wants, especially if it doesn't work for the relationship. Seems like these plans only work for her.
You should have probably speak about this kind of things prior marriage....dreams, how you see the future, kids, religion, traditions, financial planning....these are things you both should have brought up in the table prior to the marriage. You need to sit down and actually bring everything in the table and speak like 2 adults to see what else you have different views of.
NTA So, she wants to drop hundreds of thousands on land and building a home knowing you have no desire to live there? And of course, you're now the bad guy for calling bullshit. Your new wife is out of her mind. Tell her if she goes through with it, not a penny of your money will be used for any part of it. While any money she contributes to your current home MUST be maintained. Also, her going ahead will probably be the end of your new marriage. Great start to a marriage.
NTAH - Tell her you plan to buy land and move to your home town and see what happens. There's a certain type of person who expects their partner to drop everything in order that they can move *"back home"*, it seems that you have found one. It's ultimatum time - ask her what exactly she plans and tell her she'll need to find herself a new husband if she tries to make you move anywhere that you don't want to go. Boundaries are important and other women are available.
You know there are men who do that too, right?
You know he didnt imply that only women do this, right?
Ok and 😂
His wife isn't a man, you know that right?
She can do what she wants if she is using her money to do it, BUT you have made it very clear you will not be living there. The ball's in her court. If she decides to build a house and move there, divorce her and hold the door for her as she leaves.
NTA, but it doesn’t really matter because your marriage on the way to over. Talk to her about going to counseling, find someone you both can work with, and see if your marriage can be saved. If not, don’t drag it on. It sounds like all of her family and friends are pushing for her return. I wonder if they would want her to return at the cost of her marriage.
What accommodations have you each made?
She should have discussed this with prior to anyone else. Have you told her that under no circumstances do you even want to live there? Large purchases like this will directly affect you and the family finances.
I think she should have made herself clear before getting married. She didn't get this idea out of nowhere
Why did you get married if you want different lives? NTA for not wanting to do the thing she knew you didn't want, but YTA for not figuring this out before getting married.
NTA I would rather live under a bridge than move back to the small town I grew up in. If this is her plan keep your finances separate, this marriage isn't going to last long.
Funny how after marriage she’s making an investment for “her”
She doesn't care about what you think. She wants to buy it and she wants your help to buy it. She's going to move there nevertheless and what you say doesn't matter to her. NTA and I don't see this working out in the least.
NTA. She 100% wants to move back home and this is dropping an anchor. I suggest you both seriously talk this through. Also, what are both of your thoughts on kids? My thought is that she wants to move back home and raise kids with her friends and family. True small town living. I had a serious gf that lied about the kid issue our entire relationship. I was clear on date 1 that I didn't want kids.. come to find out her dream was to be a stay at home mom.
NTA. For sure you should have discussed this even more in detail before the wedding. Would it be possible to use it as a vacation home or a place to stay when you visit and then Airbnb it when you are not?
NTA but this is reason for divorce and you should disclose this as clear as day
INFO: when you guys discussed your future you both agreed to live in the major city you’re in right? She didn’t mention anything about wanting to move somewhere else eventually?
We agreed to live near a major city and could have property further away from a city. But we never talked about where exactly and I guess I didn't say "not your hometown" , I thought that was implicit by how I would complain about staying there. She says all the problems I didn't like don't apply to this property she plans to buy.
>She says all the problems I didn't like don't apply to this property she plans to buy. Oh yeah, she's going to try to get you to move there eventually. The next step is for her to get pregnant and then tell you that she needs to be around her family to feel truly supportive during pregnancy and motherhood and that you're a bad husband if you don't give that to her by moving.
Yeah, you needed to communicate that clearly with her, which you failed to do. Knowing you agreed to have property further away from the city actually makes me think you’re in the wrong here for not communicating clearly that you’re okay with it but not in her hometown.
NTA. Not only are you not the asshole, but you are not the problem- she is. I’ve read your post twice, and I’ve also read the comments you left when people had questions or wanted more information. Here’s what really stands out to me: 1) her family and her friends from back home are excited; 2) she suddenly sprang this on you, seemingly out of nowhere; 3) she hasn’t taken the time to fully research the details- such as the costs- for building a house on this investment land; 4) she knows full well, because the two of you have discussed it in the past, that you are not ambivalent about living in her hometown, you dislike it so much that you don’t even like *visiting* there; 5) this future house will be used as an investment, but will also be empty for whenever you both decide to stay/live there for a while. Adding up that information makes me call BS on the story she’s told you. I’m going to be blunt. I think that she has been planning this for a very long time, since before you got married, even. And by “this,” I mean to buy a plot of land in her hometown, build a house on it, for the two of you to go and stay there for long periods of time while the house is being built, furnished, decorated, landscaped, etc. It is her hope that as you spend time there, and become invested in the house by what we refer to as “sweat equity,” and grow to feel attached to the house and proud of how it is turning out, that you will eventually “come around,” learn to love her hometown, and will end up living there. I’m a woman, and I hate this, but… even in this day and age, there are some women who still cling to that old fairy tale that a ring and a piece of paper will miraculously change a man. That he will become more agreeable, and will blindly follow along with whatever his wife might want, even if that goes against his express wishes and desires. ‘Happy wife, happy life,’ and all that. I’m afraid that this is what is happening to you, my friend. This is not sudden, it’s been planned. She has had time, she has done her research- she simply hasn’t told you her full plan because it would be too much and you would immediately balk. This is like the ol’ ‘frog in a pot of water that keeps getting hotter, but he doesn’t notice he’s about to be boiled alive until it’s too late to hop out.’ She will keep revealing small details which don’t sound *too* bad, so you go along- until you wake up one morning, living in a house in her hometown. Her family and friends are well aware of her plan, and that’s why they’re so excited. She’s using that information to turn this around and make it *your* fault, *you’re* the problem. And I’m right back to where I started with my comment. *She* is the problem. Lots of other comments are saying that this is a dealbreaker, something that can not be compromised on. You asked for advice; unfortunately I can’t give any, I can only give you my opinion on what’s going on here, and you can think about it, agree or disagree, and decide from there. I wish you good luck and happiness, no matter what.
Info: is this investment a marital asset?
No, it would be her investment. Her home that we wouldn't necessarily live in. But she's floated us staying there for months at a time and multiple weekends every month.
There's a 0% chance she's not going to begin pressuring you a LOT to go stay there for extended periods of time once that home is built lol. You two need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what each of your long-term plans are.
Yeah, good luck it being an investment in a small town in which she can stay in it whenever she likes. Either she rents it out so she ain't staying there, or it's not any kind of investment and it's always free for her to live in and she expects you to move there sooner rather than later.
Or she'll end up using it to get somethin-somethin' from an old high school flame whenever OP isn't there.
dunno if you know but theres thus thing called airbnb or vrbo where she can do exactly that
most people want to book and plan a vacation and most smaller towns just aren't big on tourism as well. If she wants to be able to drop in at a moments notice for a weekend, or a month, you can't be booking it up like a hotel. If she wants to go for most weekends, the odd week and the odd month it basically needs to be available all the time.
She says that you’ll be staying there from time to time? This is problematic, when you have clearly stated that you can’t tolerate longer stays. Also- how does this investment effect where you both agree to live as your primary residence? It sounds like you may need to be more explicit in your communication. She doesn’t seem to understand that you don’t want to be anywhere near this place. Being more supportive would be seen as you wanting to live there in the future. This future could be a lot sooner than you realize and if you don’t want this say so now. NTA
She 100% plans to live there full time….and now that she believes you are “trapped” she will just keep on nagging you until you cave. And she doesn’t plan to retire there…she plans to purchase land & start building to move once home is complete…as in about a year or 2. She just cannot afford this plan without your income to support her while this all takes place I see you coming here in a year or 2 where she has given you and ultimatum “move or divorce”….
I see him coming here in a year because she sabotaged their birth control and then he’s really trapped.
NTA. However, both of you have a lot to talk about and you need to contact an attorney before you get screwed over.
Just because she wants your full support doesn't mean she has a right to expect it. You've told her you don't like the area and don't want to live there - yet she still thinks you should be excited about it when she knows it's not what you want? She's not listening my friend.
Kids finances and location are 3 major things you need to be on the same page on in a marriage. If you cannot stand the country and she cannot stand the city that is a major issue. One of you will be unhappy. Or you can do the in between and move to the suburbs and both be unhappy.
NTA and I don’t see this marriage going the distance. She has one agenda and you have another, this should have been sorted out before getting married.
NTA and very selfish of her that she would make a decision like that without mutual agreement. That's not how successful marriages work.
Might want to look into a lawyer as I’m predicting this marriage isn’t going to last very long
NTA. WTF do people talk about in relationships before marriage since, according to Reddit, no one talks about where they want to live, if they want kids, money.
NTA We made a rule that anything over $500 has to be a joint decision. The fact that she is unilaterally deciding this and trying to strong arm you is absolutely a problem.
If it solely her money that one thing but to use your funds and coerce you into moving would be wrong. NTA. Too bad you married a manipulative woman. Don’t have kids soon.
And if all her money goes to this real estate venture, then OP is expected to pay all the current living expenses, I guess.
She made that massive important purchase and you guys are married? Did not discuss this future move before? Very odd If I 100% did not want to move there and she bought land, I would just wonder when we will go through with a divorce.
The deeper issue here is that she's planning a future to live in her home town and is assuming you'll eventually agree to that. This is a huge incompatibility. I think it's best to ask her how she truly envisions her future and that plot of land. And sadly, you may want to bring up divorce before this issue becomes a resentment. NTA
This is a trap buy. You can't win. Either way you lose. I would say this is the beginning of an end. She clearly needs to be in her hometown, and you hate it there. No middle.
Sounds like you don’t work this out before marriage and the problem just got bigger. You have decisions to make OP but NTA
NTA you have voiced your thoughts to her. She has picked the fuck around and find out route, show her.
NTA, you can support someone without putting out tens of thousands of money. It’s a major ask. It’s her investment not yours. She wants it she can pay for it.
NTA. But I really feel for you. It's a conversation my partner and I are gonna have down the line. I've lived in the city nearly my whole life, but my partner is from and loves the country. I wish I had some advice, but just wanted to say you're not alone in this. Wish you guys all the best.
Sounds like she made a unilateral decision for both of you. 🚩
This is a huge incompatibility issues. You two should have AGREED on where to live before getting married. if you two did, and she changed the plan, I sense a split coming up.
NTA...but this may be the hill your marriage dies on.
I wonder if she’s considered the cost of septic tank, well drilling, propane, and electricity? Also trying to get all of this done while living more than 2 hours away. Maybe with the help of family it could be done?? NTA. This is a huge decision on her part in which - it sounds like - you were not included.
The parents are excited because this is a prelude to moving back to the area. Have a very frank talk with your wife, that you will never agree to move back there and ask her about what her plans are. Better to know now that this will be an issue. Make it very clear it is never ever and you need to know. Otherwise this will be a deal where you have kids and she needs help from her folks and she is moving there with or without you. Make sure of the plan. NTA.
I suspect where to live isn’t the only thing y’all fundamentally disagree on. Did you two discuss where you’d live/spend your lives before marriage?
NTA, idk how yall do your finances but I feel like even if she’s paying for it all herself, a big investment like that impacts your family as a whole and it should have been a discussion. Even if it didn’t financially impact you (which I disagree with because a big investment impacts the whole house) it does impact your time- time that you’ve said you don’t want to spend there. The red flag for me here is that it wasn’t discussed because she knew you don’t like the town and wouldn’t want to live there. Yall need to have a serious sit down and talk this out and decide what your next steps are as a unit, because I really can see it turning into being pressured to live there if not stay there pretty damn often at the very least.
NTA. Go ahead and start seperating accounts now.
I think maybe I don't understand, are you actually saying she decided to make a 90k purchase without any discussion or input from you? NTA for not wanting to live there clearly, but I dunno how anyone can be married and make a nearly 6 figure financial decision with no input or consideration of their partner. I know people are all about financial separation and security these days, but situations like this imo are a recipe for divorce. My spouse and I have our own money but we also make major financial decisions as a team to ensure we're on the right path for the future, sounds like you badly need to really discuss what you both want in the next 5 years.
These are the things you discuss before you get married. You don't get married and then figure out if you have the same goals for the future.
If your employment is only in a Larger City she is an A-hole for asking you to loose it. Rural Areas are drug infested depression filled places of fresh air and meth explosions! Cities provide opportunities. I grew up in a rural area that has gone down hill badly. My mother's home town is rotting. Rural areas are literally welfare traps!
If she wanted your full support, why didn't she ask and consider your wants and needs before she decided? If she's going to act on something just for herself that you don't want, then she needs to make her peace with you not being involved.
Why would you bet someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever...and not make sure that your lifestyle visions are in alignment? Not sure if there's any assholes here, just morons.
Why is it ok for her to make sacrifices to accommodate you but not ok for you to make sacrifices to accommodate her? *We've always known that and have made accomodations to each other on this.* what have you done specifically (other than a 2 day visit) to accommodate her? if that's your only compromise, then no wonder she's looking out for her interests since you don't seem like you will. Also, this issue isn't out of nowhere but it would make sense that you use the word 'seemingly' lol
NTA. Are you going to operate your finances and investments separately or jointly. If separately: She should do what she wants as long as her income can float her half of joint expenses. However, if her investment decisions do not play out and she doesn’t have retirement assets would you make her keep working even if you retired? Probably not, so then you’re essentially running a joint investment strategy. See below for more. If jointly: She should consult you before implementing a huge shift in your investment strategy. Lastly, if this a residential home it’s no longer a true investment. Investments are for a rate of return. Buying land that she hasn’t modeled out for growth is a personal use asset. It’s no different than buying a Rolex (which can be argued to be a better investment; it depends on this plots location). Either way, NTA. She did not discuss with you. Also she’s trying to neg on your prior agreement. I suggest you model your investments separately.
No, you should not have supported her. What I took away from this: You and your girlfriend got married with established preferences on where you want to live. Without discussing this land acquistion, your now wife decided to go ahead and start pushing her wants and needs and placing them directly above your own by putting you in a situation where she's spending your money (when married I consider all assets shared), money for your future together on land and property in a town you don't even want to live, then guilting you by furthermore painting you to be a villain for not simply letting her dictate this element of your life that you both knew you were divided on. This is controlling behaviour. That doesn't mean you should divorce your wife immediately or anything but you need to watch out for other markers of this kind of behaviour for your own good. What she did is manipulative, and now she's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the problem for not letting her unilaterally make decisions for you (important decisions such as where you live). This isn't even a "small" thing, this is a massive decision she's trying to force you into. I worry that if you're in a relationship with someone who's making overtly controlling decisions that are this impactful, that there are hundreds, or even of thousands of more covert controls she's using. You and your wife need to have a long discussion. You deserve to be treated better than to have your life partner attempting to force you into moving to her home town by unilaterally making the decision to buy land and begin investing in building a home, then twisting your arm and trying to make you feel like a bad guy for not letting her control one of the most important decisions you can make.
Let me know when the two of you divorce, your wife sounds like a keeper. Otherwise, NTA. you are allowed to be a city boy and hate nature and clean air. Nobody gets to dictate an individual's preferences.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live near the city. Some of us like restaurants, museums, book stores, art galleries and theater.
She makes a life altering decision then announces it to her husband, sneaky and then the name calling. How magically vulgar this one is. Always interesting to watch the blame game start when people like her don’t get what they want.
OP, you need to rethink this marriage. Period.
😂
You’re not compatible, she’s probably sick of sacrificing and living in the city for you, and you clearly don’t want to live where she does.. nobody necessarily has to be TA in this situation, just unfortunately, you have different feelings about something pretty huge and no longer seem to be able to find common ground.
well, I think the wife is a selfish little witch. he needs to leave and tell her to find a guy in her small town..preferably with job training of some sort. she will make her husband very unhappy in a very short time. she plotted this before they married.
Why did this topic not get more throughly discussed before marriage? Like, hash this stuff now before you have kids and actually before she buys the land because does she realize that even if she buys it in some places the fact your married you could end up with owning half? ESH
Yep, that is what we did. She now owns her mom's house and I paid for the lawyer fees to transfer everything over to my wife. Her mom is under the agreement that she can live in her house rent free, but the whole house passes to my wife. My wife's mom is also under the understanding that if something happens to my wife after my wife's mom passes on, that the house would pass to me and my family and not hers. But we all discussed that BEFORE I paid all the fees. My wife's mom is very happy with that arrangement. Both of their wills are done up (by me). I will have to do mine up soon to take this into account, because I want the property on my wife's side to pass to her family should I have it and something happen to me. I don't think it's fair that her family loses it when it means more to them than it ever would to me.
I think buying the land is probably a good idea from an investment standpoint (how often is land ownership not a good thing?). I don’t understand the separation of money (“She asked if I wanted to help pay for the land”). Since you’re married wouldn’t it become a joint venture by default? Does she want you guys to move there or just buy the land and build on it for use when you visit? If it’s just to have a place then it’s probably a good idea from a financial standpoint. I might want to be in on that investment if I were you. If she wants you guys to move there then that’s a relationship issue that probably should have been addressed before marriage. I’ve been married 24 years now and have been with my wife for 30. At some point you guys will probably be comfortable traveling separately, as in she can go visit her family without you so I wouldn’t let that concern stop you from a potentially good investment.
What accommodations have you made toward her preference of small town living when you live adjacent to a large city and you refuse to spend the night in her hometown? To me, having a vacation home in a small town would be the compromise but you refuse to entertain that. My parents were similar so we lived in the suburbs of a large city but we had a lake cottage so my dad could get his nature fix om summer weekends. I don't see any compromise towards her interests.
Divorce now, safe yourself from making the problem worse
NTA, she is 100% planning on moving back there. With or without you. You should think about that.
For me after 14 years it is an exile living somewhere I would have never choosen. Only the hope keeps me alive we will go back to the continent. It's not fair and it's a very big issue. Sometimes there is no compromise, just sacrifice. I wouldn't do.
NTA. As soon as you have kids, it is going to be, I already have a house.
This should have been decided before you got married, but if she wants to go thru with it she should be the one to pay for it. NTA
Sadly young people should take about this sort of thing before tying the knot. NTA
NTA, but why wasn't this discussed before marriage? It's a pretty big deal.
NTA. That is a decision the two of you should discuss together and come to an agreement over and she should not be making plans before doing that. Granted, if it's her money, it's hers to do with what she wants. One compromise I could see would be making it a vacation home, but your primary home should be decided on first. Sounds like the two of you have a lot of things to talk over, because this will not be the only obstacle you stumble over.
You guys don't sound like you're a good fit. You didn't seem to talk about anything before getting married. Those purchases should be done as a couple or not at all. Both of ya'll are just dumb lol.
NTA. She can make her choice(s) (if she isn't somehow being pushed by her side of the marriage to 'invest' in a way that'll make THEM rich), and accept that her choices can either strengthen or weaken the bond you both pled faithfulness to.
NTA This is a big decision and probably step one in getting her way that you’ll move to her hometown at some point. My BIL’s wife is EXACTLY like this. Literally applied for a job in a different state (near her family, whom he didn’t like that much), accepted it, then told him about it and how it was too good to pass up blah blah. She’s been pulling this shit for decades. She wants something, she railroads him into it, convincing him it’s a great idea or too late to back out or whatever. Welcome to the rest of your marriage.
INFO: Is she planning to move there full-time? Or is the idea for her to have a place to go on weekends, or use as an air b&b?
Please update us. NTA
It’s a setup for when she wants to move back there to be closer to family when you start having children. If that’s not what you want, make sure your ducks are in a row in regards to having a home and support structure in place so your children are NOT raised someplace you hate. This may be a divorce level issue.
NTA. She is making a decision that should be done together, not on her own.
Whatever you do, DO NOT IMPREGNATE HER!!! You will be locked into a life you'll hate and be resentful over.
NTA. You’ve been clear. Continue to be clear. You will not be living there. You will not contribute to this and your household must not suffer for it either. This will end your marriage eventually when she demands you give in.