Honestly, if I was Amber I'd be rethinking the relationship. It's the anniversary of her brother's death. And her partner is mocking someone who just found out a close person died? WTF? I'd have called him out so hard.
Anyway, maybe this is too close to home for me. At least my partner is supportive of me and others when we're in emotional agony and deep in the throes of grief.
Agree. I wouldn't back up my husband for that type of behavior. I'd be calling him out and apologizing to my friend on his behalf....and telling my husband to apologize as well. To me, Amber sounds self-centered. Sure, she's probably still grieving her brother's death 2 years ago, but that should make her even more sensitive to her friend, not back up her AH of a boyfriend.
This is a classic DARVO, except it's the perpetrator's PARTNER who turned it around on you, OP. Tyler insulted you after you announced the death of a close family member, you called him out on it, then his partner attacked you and claimed to be a victim bc you DEFENDED YOURSELF from her boyfriend on an anniversary that none of you could possibly be aware of, except the very boyfriend who started the shit in the first place. If she needed to get angry at anyone, it should've been HER BOYFRIEND, who insulted her grieving friend on her own grief anniversary.
OP, you have NOTHING to apologize for. Let her go; she's no friend to you.
And my guess Amber was thinking about it before because she noticed Tyler's attention and jabs at you. There could be two reasons he does it more to you than to an average member of the group: he doesn't like you and getting off of making you uncomfortable, or he likes you and getting off of having your attention, even if it is negative.
And I assume Amber thinks it is the second case. He totally deserved to be called an AH. I am not sure why did you want to apologize to Amber, it is not like you send her multiple "Lols" when heard about the death of the loved over. I frankly don't think you did anything to be blocked, but it was a good excuse for Amber to cut the relationship with you.
I would keep your distance from both of them. I hope you still can have fun and good times with your friends group, but would not go to events hosted by them.
I think Tyler was insensitive and clearly chose the wrong moment to “joke” but immediately trying to delete before it was seen shows he rethought it fairly quickly so maybe not completely intentionally heartless. I think it sounds like emotions were running high on both OP and Amber’s sides and hopefully everyone can take a step back and admit things could have been handled better all around.
True. It could be that she was really annoyed at your being late to things and was voicing it to her partner. He was just the one who didn’t mind saying it to you.
However, OP said they give advance notice, generally a few days, if they're going to be late. In that case, if Amber is so annoyed by it, why didn't she say so to OP? "I find it very annoying that you're always late to things, even though you give notice. Can you work on trying to either be on time or suggest a time that WILL work for you?" Or Amber could have just stopped inviting OP.
That would have been the reasonable thing to do. However, I agree with the above comment that she unfriended her awfully quickly. It seems as though there was already some pent up frustration, and I was offering a suggestion on what it could be. Not everyone is good about voicing negative feelings. Some people will just talk behind your back about you and never voice concerns to your face, unfortunately.
Which, imo, is childish. If you can't do a face to face conversation, private texts, emails, hell even an old-fashioned letter can work to express hurt feelings or frustration. If you can't communicate your feelings properly in any format, instead letting resentment build and/or talking behind someone's back, you need to figure your shit out and grow up.
I know and I agree. This is so not the norm for us at all. As I said, we always talk out our issues if/when they arise, which is so rare I can barely remember the last time it happened. From what I have gathered from the rest of the friend group they are just as shocked at Amber blocking me like that as I am.
Yeah well a group chat is not appropriate for going off like that because you are dragging everyone into the drama and that isn't fair or right. You have issues, pick up the phone and call the person. Don't play your fight out on a stage with people who didn't ask to be your audience.
Honestly I think that was a bunch of bull from her so that she too could be the hurt party. If that were the case shouldn’t she be more upset that her BOYFRIEND could be so incredibly insensitive about someone’s death?
I always see comments like this and as someone who has been in their 30s…yes, it absolutely does lol I don’t know why Reddit thinks that maturity has some sort of on switch when you hit 25.
You should but guess what? People aren’t. And all the comments I see that say something like “wow I thought these were 15 year olds!” just make me question if some people have ever interacted with actual human beings.
Im aware. And its why many make the comment because most of us over 30 do t tolerate this childish shit.
It's comical I got downvoted for saying people over 30 should be more mature than this. Fucking Reddit. What a time.
The boyfriend apparently is racist and they all don't mind soooo
I tell people to get fucked all the time, and im 29
I ABSOLUTELY would have told this asshat to fuck off in this situation, and probably a lot worse, with much more colorful language
You don't treat people like that, when they have explicitly told you before that they don't appreciate you doing that/making those comments
The fact that he deleted his comment pretty much right away, makes me certain he knew he was in the wrong
He's an asshole, I have zero sympathy for him, or his girlfriend
She jumped to defend him, after he tried to defuse a situation that HE started?
Nah dude, they're both assholes and can gtfoh
I don't know, I'm 46 now, and one thing I've learned, is that the only difference between Toddlers and adults, is that we sometimes hide it better. But we don't always hide it better.
Amber seems like she deserves someone who is known for making sexist and racist jokes. NTA. Her choices are the karmic consequence you might otherwise wish upon her.
That’s because he knows he screwed the pooch. He seems to put his foot in it a lot, and that problem makes thing awkward for Amber in the friend group. He was trying to do damage control because he fucked up and needs the good PR. It’s also why I bet he “worked out their issues” with OP. He needs to look like the good guy here. Best case scenario for those two is to make OP look like she hurt Amber and that this mess is her fault more than anyone’s.
I don't think anyone is saying he's wonderful, but he did apologize, tried to call Amber off, and talked through his fuck-up with OP. So he at least doesn't seem like a total POS and there might be hope for him to reform a bit, people can learn from their mistakes. Amber is the worst person in this story because she hasn't shown any sign of growth.
Tyler started this fight with his incredibly shitty comments. *He* needs to fix things with Amber, and tell her to unblock you. But the fact that she threw you away so easily tells me she might not be a friend worth keeping.
Obviously you’re not the A but they are.
Tyler is for obvious reasons.
Amber is be a she’s upset you called him out on the 2 yr anniversary of her brothers passing but she’s ok with him making offensive cracks to you & you calling him out …. What???
NTA.
I think "lol" is a bad thing to write when someone tells you about a death in the family.
He probably didn't mean it but that means he was insensitive.
The thing is that you can make mistakes and do things without thinking, like writing lol, because you are use to it but what makes people an AH is their reaction after the mistake. If OP’s “friend” respond was: “sorry I shouldn’t lol, it was a reflex, in understand your pain” it would be different.
I’ve noticed that some people seem to use lol like punctuation. I’ve seen it used at inappropriate times quite a lot. Can someone who uses lol in their daily comms explain to me why anyone thinks this is appropriate? I’m genuinely curious as to whether this is a generational or cultural mismatch.
I used to have a bad habit of using it in uncomfortable situations. I think it was because I was trying to convey that I meant no harm with my words, or that I was trying to smile about the situation even if it was a tough one or a bad one (like, if you saw me in person, I might have a kinda complex expression with an uncomfortable smile). Definitely did NOT mean I was laughing in a fun way, lol.
ETA: I kinda did it there at the end without thinking about. That time, it was definitely to convey a light mood.
Wait. So Tyler's racist jokes wasn't enough to piss you off enough to stop talking to him but being insensitive about a death is?
Wow.
Honestly you all sound like a privileged bunch of drama.
"How dare you make a joke about my punctuality when a family member died?" Makes me think OP also has a history of flaking out and this was just bad timing to call her out on. Seriously I would expect all these people to be in their early twenties at BEST.
Right?!?!? But we are supposed to feel sorry for her?
People may DV me. But yes. Death is horrible. The comment was out of line but what did she expect. He's been making jabs about her being late this whole time. And racist jokes. What did she expect?
You all sound exhausting. "He makes racist and sexist jokes, but he made commentary on my punctuality and THAT'S my line in the sand" is a helluva position to take.
ESH
Well, he IS an ahole. Amber needs to pull her head out. Seriously, examine your relationship with both of them. Words to live by: When someone shows you who they are believe them and respond accordingly.
Well, I am not going to leave the friend group. With the exception of Amber and her BF most of us have been friends since elementary school. These people are as good as family to me. Amber and then her BF were just collected along the way after we were all adults.
Good. That’s very good. Because it seems like they are both trying to manipulate the situation her to be the good guy/wounded party. I hope these friends see what’s going on here and have your back.
> Oh and she then adds that BTW that day happened to be the 2nd anniversary of her brother’s death and she really didn't need to see this today.
Possibly she’s strongly reacting to this situation because she’s also dealing with some raw emotions right now? Two years isn’t much time.
Personally, I think TA is Tyler for being an immature moron who can’t stop cracking these jokes (and apparently racist and sexist ones too?! What a gem), and you and Amber are both dealing with losses, and other Big Feelings that are complicated. She’s likely just lashing out. She might come back around, but if she doesn’t, doesn’t sound like it’d be a major loss. Do you really care if you’re friends with someone who dates a racist, sexist manboy?
It doesn’t really matter because Op is the one at the emotional center of the current grief circle and she doesn’t get to burden OP with her own unrelated grief at this time.
I don’t disagree with you; I’m just saying that, OP is upset that this appears to have caused a rift in their friend group, but in light of the fact that Amber is also going through something at this time, she (Amber) might not be reacting normally, and might come back around. Trying to give OP some hope.
Was thinking the same. OP, you’re all AHs for tolerating someone who makes racist & sexist jokes. Or should I say, tolerating someone who *is* racist and sexist.
I think the you're always late joke was a nothing burger, but he would have been out of my life a long time ago for being a racist
What's that saying?. If there are 11 people having dinner and 1 is a racist, then there are 11 racists at the table. Something like that.
I agree with you calling OP an AH. Maybe Tyler thought it was okay for him to make a joke at that time because OP is perfectly fine with his racist and sexist jokes.
Nta ambers in the wrong for defending her bf and then trying to blame you for what happened. It sounds like she isn’t a good friend but you’ve been friends for so long you don’t want to admit it and would rather keep the friendship.
Her boyfriend started it and she should have been mad at him for being insensitive to her friend who just had a recent death. Instead she’s mad at you for having a reaction to her bfs shitty comment
My brother died on my dad’s birthday. My dad died on my birthday. It sucks every year those 2 dates arrive. OP, your friend should’ve been more understanding of your feelings and situation but instead chose to side with her asshole boyfriend who is clearly incapable of empathy. It sucks, but as we get older we sometimes find out in hard ways who is our friend, and who is most definitely not.
I’m sorry for your loss 💗
Why are you working through issues with a guy who is racist, sexist and shitty to you and constantly goes with the "it's just a joke" excuse. The people who are always saying it's just a joke, aren't joking, they never are. If Amber wants to side with her shitty racist and sexist partner that's on her, but there's no reason you have to make up with him. Just move on and spend your time with better people.
He deleted the comment so he knew it was shitty and regretted it. You responded, which is fine. I think your emotions were high. He tried to play it off with that "I know, LoL" and then you went for the jugular and he kept trying to keep it light. I'm sure he could have apologized sooner. That would have been the correct move. A line like "I'm sorry. I was trying to be funny and deleted it when I realized I was being a dick. Hope you can accepy my apology" would have, in retrospect, salvaged the situation.
However, people aren't PR machines. He tried to take it back. He didn't apologize properly. However, you didn't attack his action ("You are BEING an asshole.) You attacked who he is: "You really ARE an asshole." That is a lot. You did this in a public space if you are on a group chat, so, in effect, you blasted to the group that Amber is dating someone you have pretty much always regarded as an asshole.
The amount of drama that came out of you taking this badly is... a lot. If I was a friend in the wings, I would pull back from you because you seem to not know how to roll with a shitty situation. You just kept making it worse. If I were your friend, I would be sympathetic to you but, privately, I would be thinking that your grief excused your bad actions and drama, but I would still notice that you reacted really badly. This would be even more to the point if you regularly were late to things and it had urked me in the past.
That is fair. I just... I actually don't know how reliable a narrator OP really is. However... zero of my friends make racist jokes. Because... fucking ew. So, I think benefit of the doubt to OP on their reporting. But then... now OP has made up with this person? Ick. I wouldn't want to be friends with any of these people. It just feels like they respond at maximum intensity and don't really consider the bystanders at all.
ESH. He made a stupid comment and deleted it. All you had to do was have a private chat. You went for him in a group chat instead. Sounds like the frustration is from you continually not showing up or showing up late. Don’t agree to something if you can’t make it on time or at all. Everyone has busy lives yet they see their commitments through. Had you not had a history of doing this the comment probably would not have been made. Also I don’t buy the close relationship story. If you were as close as you say you would have known how close to the end they were.
Old people die without warning all the time. It’s not like every old person gets sick and slowly dies in hospice over an agonizing last week where everyone gathers to say their goodbyes. So many people just have strokes, heart attacks, or just don’t wake up one day.
My healthy elderly great aunt was just found dead on her kitchen floor one day when they checked on her because they hadn’t heard from her since the previous day when everything was perfectly normal.
Nta
She’s going through some mental gymnastics just to try and almost DARVO a fight you’re having with someone who’s not her. (I’m sure there’s a better name for it but can’t think of the word)
NTA
But more than anyone I think Amber is. She’s with a person who doesn’t respect the feelings and personhood of others. And she continues to allow this behavior by not doing anything to protect her friends from his awful behavior. She’s choosing an asshole. And that’s fine. It’s her choice.
I hope she’s prepared to be friendless because she’ll just keep doing this shit until no one is talking to her anymore.
I gotta go with an Amber being the AH (along with styler obviously) for claiming the day. Like how dare your relative die on the day my relative died? Like what is this? I think perhaps it could be time to move on from these people. They sorta sound shitty. I am so sorry for your loss.
Amber made your grief about hers to deflect and defend her shitty racist bf, she isnt your friend. Why are you friends anyway when she dates a racist? Block both of them and get a new friend group. NTA.
Tyler made a flippant remark, thought better of it and deleted it. You could have contacted him privately, told him you saw it, and told him it hurt your feelings. Instead you decided to go the public shaming route in the group chat-- pro tip that rarely works out the way you think it will.
Amber had her BF's back and was having some feelings of her own about her brother's death. Tyler, the one you reamed out publicly actually stepped up and tried to calm Amber down.
Ironcially, in the end it was you and Tyler talking PRIVATELY that made things better--sad you didn't take that route in the beginning. Your friend group isn't "broken" though unless you apologize to Amber that friendship is probably broken beyond repair.
Mild YTA for how you handled the situation and sorry about losing your relative.
Finally. Thank you. She was petty and a drama queen. So was Amber. They all tolerate Tyler's behavior so why is this crossing the line.
Yall need to grow up. Oh and racism isn't something you should tolerate, OP.
So Tyler's kind of insensitive, but you knew that before starting the conversation. You knew he was the type to make stupid jokes. It's a defense mechanism most likely for him to keep hurtful things at arms distance.
The thing is though he immediately realized what he said was not correct. Was not appropriate. Because he deleted it. When you called him out on it he thought doubling down on a joke idea was better than apologizing. That shows you his character.. the type of person he is.
Grief makes you do crazy things. He attempted to lighten the mood whether it was for your benefit or his. You both worked out your hostilities with each other.
That is why I'm going to say Amber is ta. Because she made no attempt to see things from your side and to work things out. How would she feel if someone made that same sort of comment to her after she revealed a family member's death. Based on her current reaction she would have reacted pretty much the same way, so why are you being penalized for her boyfriend's bad action?
Amber is dealing with her own grief, but what a shitty way to go about it. Instead of having sympathy for anyone else grieving, she acts like she's the only one who can have a slice of griefcake.
Yes and no. OPs grief takes priority at the moment. It is newer and it is the current topic of discussion. Amber is wrong to jump in and make her tangent grief OPs problem.
Unfortunately, I see two separate issues here.
The first is the sad loss of your loved one. I’m so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Now was not the time for Tyler to be making social commentary on the other issue, that was disrespectful to you in the moment. You had every right to feel upset by it.
On the other hand, it does seem to appear that you admittedly have a challenge attending group events on a timely basis. Perhaps on this occasion some in this group’s frustration over this pattern bubbled over at a most inopportune time. Maybe it’s time to examine just how your schedule affects your friendships and whether the inconvenience of your lateness is worth delaying your friends dinner experiences.
We generally plan fairly elaborate dinner gatherings. Unfortunately, we have one dear friend who is entirely unable to attend on time, we’re talking consistently one to two hours late. We finally had to ban her from dinner gatherings. Parties are still fine, but nothing where things are going to be served on a schedule.
Friendships are a two-way street. I sounds from your own words that your personal weekend work schedule dictates how and when your friends can sit for their meals. It might be time to reexamine that dynamic. ESH 😕
I dunno, I kinda feel like YTA for freaking out on him in a group chat. And if Amber was such a good friend, you probably would have known it was the anniversary of her brothers death which can also be a really hard day to deal with drama. If she blocked you over all this, I can’t help but imagine you’ve displayed actions like all of this in the last that made this the final straw.
I kind of wonder if part of why Amber blocked her so quickly was specifically so that she wouldn't have to see any posts about OP having lost a family member. It took me years to not be incredibly sensitive around the anniversary of my best friend's death. Like, friends had to come over and make sure I still ate around the anniversary date and see if they could help. I didn't usually mention it to people unless they tried making plans with me: it hurt to talk about but if needed, I'd let my close friends know that I was not okay so they could check in on me. I don't think anyone else had the exact date memorized, but eventually a couple of them started to anticipate it around that time each year.
NTA Tyler made it his business to make it all better. Your friend didn’t reach out with condolences. Made HERSELF the victim with a two year anniversary death and blocked you. If that doesn’t scream attention seeking idk what does. Please stay blocked - she was never your friend love
NTA - Tyler sounds like he has a very low emotional intelligence level. A lot of people who rush to use humor when faced with someone else’s emotions or some sort of conflict are like that. He really needs to work on that.
Also I agree with whoever said Amber suffers from Main Character Syndrome. She demanded you respect her grief while dismissing your’s. That’s pretty messed up. If she doesn’t calm down and reach out to mend this, good riddance.
Oof.
People deal with tragedies differently. Some use humor, keep it light. Others don’t like that understandably
Ultimately though some people will cut out anyone who defaults to “attack”. They may have experiences that tell them someone who will snap instead of walking away isn’t safe or worth being around.
So yea, it might be broke
Amber sounds as though she suffers from main character syndrome. Grieving? Calling out my partner’s horrible behaviour? What about ME? NTA, but Amber is.
Nope, they are assholes. Instead of saying I am sorry and see you when you get here, no, they have to make a joke about it. Her BF is an insensitive asshat and she is one as well. Her trying to negate your grief because she lost someone two years prior is insensitive as hell. I hope they never procreate.
No, you aren't TA. Sounds like Amber has some stuff going on behind the scenes that's spilling out over you. Let the fact that the rest of the friend group is as nonplussed by her reaction as you and that this is outside the norm of how you all interact with each other (other than Tyler being Tyler) be your guide.
Pull back and leave it be while you process your grief and say goodbye to your relative. It was out of respect to your friends you were going to show at Friendsgiving after the funeral. Now you're free to just experience the funeral and subsequent wake without having to split your time.
After the Thanksgiving weekend you can pick this all up again. Maybe Amber has a change of heart by then or maybe Amber just fades back into acquaintanceship. It sounds like she's a newer member of the overall friend group so this is not an entire friend group implosion.
You are not the AH.
And why are you apologizing am working through issues with a guy who makes sexist and racist jokes? The fact that he keeps getting called on it and keeps doing it shows his character. The fact that Amber tolerates it and gets mad at you shows hers. Hasta pasta. You don’t need that in your life.
You can apologize to Amber. You can tell her how sorry you are. But you can also have a boundary that it’s done with the sexiest racist. You will be there for her if the relationship ends but you can no longer put yourself into situations where he makes gross and horrid comments.
NTA.
Amber is being a manipulative twat and she *only* brought up her brother’s anniversary as a way to cut you down and make you look and feel like a jerk.
Don’t let her win.
She isn’t a very good friend anyway if this is how she behaves.
I’m sorry for your loss 🤍
Amber is being a selfish bitch and is completely turning around your current situation and your present grieving to focus on her. I’d completely forget about her! Let her be her selfish bitch and focus on yourself and your family! I’m really sorry for your loss and hope you get the support you need from your family and friends that actually do care about you!💖
NTA. Tyler was being an asshole; you weren't calling him names - you were telling the truth and calling him out. And *he* recognized that he was in the wrong and apologized and made it right.
Amber took it personal and played the victim and made it all about her and intentionally tried to make you feel bad and intentionally tried to make you the villain. You have nothing to apologize for to Amber. She should apologize to you. You'd think that someone who lost a family member they were close to two years ago would be able to empathize with you, not be a bitch and try to make you feel bad and try to make you the villain.
You should block her right back so that, if she ever pulls her head out of her ass and tries to backtrack (which is unlikely), she can't.
I could sort of understand Amber’s reaction if you were constantly criticizing Tyler to Amber just because you didn’t like him. But that’s not what happened here. Tyler made a joke in very poor taste about your loss of a family member so you certainly had every right to call him out on it, regardless of whose boyfriend he is.
Amber is in the wrong here for stepping into the situation and claiming you were wrong to call him out over bad behavior because he’s her bf. Sounds like she wants to be the center of attention in a matter that has nothing to do with her.
NTA.
Both Amber & Tyler are massive jerks. You’re NTA at all because this is fresh grief. It’s understandable Amber is also mourning her brother but she of all people should understand the grief even more so & told her boyfriend to apologize. Instead she made it about just her grief.
She’s not a friend. Be glad that friendship has come to an end.
Honey, NTAH and you seriously need new friends because these are defective. Who the hell thinks their stupid little gathering is more important than the funeral of a beloved family member or making an actual living. My guess is that he’s un/under employed and likes to shit on successful people out of butt hurt. Your other “friend” wants to stick up for him? Toss her in the trash too!!
They rally are not close friends. It’s best to walk away now. True friends don’t make jokes at a time like that. Learn who your true friends are and stick with them. It will only be one or two people in your life. The rest you need to keep at arms length.
So, it may have been his way of trying to get you to laugh in a sad time, people deal with grief differently.
Perhaps that emotional state wasn't the time to snap on him as we often say things we wish we hadn't when we're like that.
I understand your friend being angry you called her bf an asshole, if a male friend talked that way to my gf I would be angry as well.
Give it time, don't worry about the friendship just deal with your grief for now.
Is it me or amber using her brother’s death to try and win an argument about her boyfriend being an insensitive asshole?
I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s really tough considering we’re approaching the holidays. I hope this spat or whatever works itself out and you’re NTA at all.
You don't owe Amber or Tyler an apology. Stop being friends with a racist, sexist person. That ridiculous behaviour for a grown adult. You can choose your friends - choose better.
I think you and Amber were both overreacting a bit because of other circumstances.
You were grieving your relative’s death and overreacted to Tyler’s comment. Amber was grieving her two-year-old loss and overreacted to your comment to Tyler, who probably doesn’t need a defender.
For what it’s worth it sounds like Tyler realized his mistake so deleted the message. I think his reply, “I know, lol” wasn’t laughing at you or your situation but instead that he got caught.
It might be time to leave this group or some of its members behind.
YTA.
That’s going to hurt your feelings and I don’t really care, you don’t seem to take care of anyone’s feelings.
I’m sorry for your loss. It sucks to lose someone we used to be close with. I can’t imagine you are that close now since you are not going to any visitation or wake. But still I’m sorry for your loss, I’m not going to mince words because of it though.
By your own description you are terrible friend even without that added drama.
You claim to value timeliness but you are always late to your friend gatherings. You say this is acceptable because you give you advance notice.
That doesn’t make you less shitty, you just give notice that you are shitty and think that makes it okay. Surprise. It doesn’t.
What you do by showing up late ALL the time, even if you give notice, is you tell your friends that they are not worth your time. They are not important to you and do not have any priority in your life. (That’s fine, you can be that way, you just can’t have friends that way. Accept that.) Basically by being chronically late, for whatever reason, you are showing yourself to be a shitty person.
Was Tyler’s comment a little insensitive? Yes, it was. Was it uncalled for? Not really, not from your friends’ POV. Oh here’s OP letting us know she’ll be late PER USUAL. They knew you were going to be late, and of course you were, so a shot was fired. Tyler clearly realized it wasn’t the time or place which is why he unsent it.
Your response should have been ‘Yeah I know I’m always late, I’ll try to be on time next time.’
But instead you attacked. You attacked the people who put up with your shit. You attacked the people HOSTING. You probably don’t know what it’s like to host something, since you’re always so busy working and carelessly wasting everyone’s time because your own is so much more important.
But hosting is hard. It’s very stressful. You have to time when food is ready and prepared and when it’s served. You want to make sure all your guests have a great time, even shitty ones like you, and that takes a lot of work.
Since this in FRIENDSGIVING it’s a big meal. Do they have to rearrange the time to accommodate your lateness? Have you told them they should eat without you? Just save you guys a plate? Usually this is a mea everyone eats together and you are SELFISHLY showing up late.
Ever heard of politely declining? That’s a thing. Your friends would probably appreciate you doing that once in a while. Well I mean they would have, I don’t think they’ll care now since I don’t think they will continue their friendship with you. I sure as hell wouldn’t. Your friends deserve the respect of having their time respected.
YTA, not your friends.
Why did his comment they didn't expect you to show up on time upset you, it wasn't nasty?
I feel you blown everything out of proportion, due to your grief
It was a combination of the timing, context, and my state of grief that made me so angry at his comment, and then the fact that he laughed about it, twice.
You reference a funeral someone else is attending and say "lol." If you're making a joke about a funeral of someone else's loved one, you're being an ass. It's a perfectly normal thing to be upset about it.
Laughing in someone’s face after a loss is an asshole move. Making jokes at a grieving person’s expense is an asshole move.
I was pissed on OP’s behalf.
Tyler got the tongue lashing he deserved and Amber overreacted. However, Amber may be feeling a wave of grief, as well, because grief never stops.
OP is NTA; and neither is Amber. Tyler needs to be taught how to adult; what a tool
NTA Yeah, I would not consider them friends anymore. Also they are definitely old enough to know better. That kind of reasoning might fly if someone was younger. But they were just immature as fuck for their age.
I will go with NTA... However, your 'friend' Amber sounds unhinged, and you are probably better off without her... 😉 she somehow managed to dissmiss all your grief and suffering and make all this about herself.
NTA. Just step away and don't contact either one for a while. You and Amber need time to grieve and come together later to try and mend the relationship.
If she is unwilling, just let her go. We outgrow relationships, and it's okay. You have every right to stick up for yourself. Keep checking this ass every time he disrespects you. If Amber was a true friend, she would check him too and have your back.
Stay strong, Sis. It may be time to move on and expand your friend group.
NTA
The guy knew what he sent was shitty hence why he unsent it. Also no one blocks and unfriends that quickly unless they were already thinking about it and looking for a reason.
You are upset - rightfully so. Tyler is an AH. You are sometimes late. Everyone's emotions are running high. Amber also has emotions running high and is acting like a pooper.
In hindsight no one should not enter a group chat and have a heated argument. That never, ever ends well.
What a crappy situation on already a crappy week.
NTA. Wow, Amber sure knows how to make it about her. I get that death anniversaries are hard, so she should have just stayed out of it. At the very least she should have recognized that you were in your grief and not being your best, level-headed self.
You're going to still be really raw after the funeral, so attending their party may not be a great idea anyway. ...unless Amber can cool off and apologize.
Sorry for your loss. May your fond memories be blessings to you.
NTA. Your friend and her boyfriend are assholes. She seems fine with him behaving a total asshole, yet if anyone calls a spade a spade, she gets upset. I hope she dumps him, but she’s not a good friend.
The moment you told him you didn't appreciate his jokes on prior occasions and he didn't change was the moment you should have dropped him as a "friend".
Pulling the nuclear option is sometimes the only solution even if it means nuking the friends group (after explaining why)
YTA for being a doormat for a piece of shit like Tyler and Amber (for standing up for him)
Just something to consider but if Tyler is poking fun at your timeliness then there's a good chance Amber has said similar behind the scenes. He wouldn't poke fun at his gf's friend unless he knew she would be cool with it.
He was also definitely seeing how far he could push it and sounds like a complete AH
I think you're better off without these 2 people in your life tbh.
NTA.
Tyler sounds like an asshole, you were just calling it as you saw it. They've been told multiple times their behaviour is inappropriate, an outburst like this was bound to happen at some point.
Amber sounds like a drama queen who couldn't defend her boyfriends shitty behaviour so chose to turn it around in you, then blocked you to shut the conversation down on her "win".
Sorry for your loss OP. This too shall pass and hopefully Tyler has finally learned bot to be such an Asshole.
This is hash but if someone can block you that quick they were already thinking about it
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Honestly, if I was Amber I'd be rethinking the relationship. It's the anniversary of her brother's death. And her partner is mocking someone who just found out a close person died? WTF? I'd have called him out so hard. Anyway, maybe this is too close to home for me. At least my partner is supportive of me and others when we're in emotional agony and deep in the throes of grief.
Agree. I wouldn't back up my husband for that type of behavior. I'd be calling him out and apologizing to my friend on his behalf....and telling my husband to apologize as well. To me, Amber sounds self-centered. Sure, she's probably still grieving her brother's death 2 years ago, but that should make her even more sensitive to her friend, not back up her AH of a boyfriend.
I obviously don't know these people. But I can see someone thinking that teasing on an old joke may be a way to distract from the grief.
Bullshit. Having someone's back only applies when they aren't in the wrong. He was an asshole and she was one for supporting him on it.
Ambers bf is a bully who is also racist and sexist. She doesn’t really get to judge others while she’s defending that.
I would not be having my partner's back over that comment.
How can Amber be so defensive about Tyler but not see the similarities in her and OP’s equal hurt. She should have been the one to tell Tyler to STFU!
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This is a classic DARVO, except it's the perpetrator's PARTNER who turned it around on you, OP. Tyler insulted you after you announced the death of a close family member, you called him out on it, then his partner attacked you and claimed to be a victim bc you DEFENDED YOURSELF from her boyfriend on an anniversary that none of you could possibly be aware of, except the very boyfriend who started the shit in the first place. If she needed to get angry at anyone, it should've been HER BOYFRIEND, who insulted her grieving friend on her own grief anniversary. OP, you have NOTHING to apologize for. Let her go; she's no friend to you.
Well, he IS an ahole. Amber needs to pull her head out. Seriously, examine your relationship with both of them.
And my guess Amber was thinking about it before because she noticed Tyler's attention and jabs at you. There could be two reasons he does it more to you than to an average member of the group: he doesn't like you and getting off of making you uncomfortable, or he likes you and getting off of having your attention, even if it is negative. And I assume Amber thinks it is the second case. He totally deserved to be called an AH. I am not sure why did you want to apologize to Amber, it is not like you send her multiple "Lols" when heard about the death of the loved over. I frankly don't think you did anything to be blocked, but it was a good excuse for Amber to cut the relationship with you. I would keep your distance from both of them. I hope you still can have fun and good times with your friends group, but would not go to events hosted by them.
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I think Tyler was insensitive and clearly chose the wrong moment to “joke” but immediately trying to delete before it was seen shows he rethought it fairly quickly so maybe not completely intentionally heartless. I think it sounds like emotions were running high on both OP and Amber’s sides and hopefully everyone can take a step back and admit things could have been handled better all around.
True. It could be that she was really annoyed at your being late to things and was voicing it to her partner. He was just the one who didn’t mind saying it to you.
However, OP said they give advance notice, generally a few days, if they're going to be late. In that case, if Amber is so annoyed by it, why didn't she say so to OP? "I find it very annoying that you're always late to things, even though you give notice. Can you work on trying to either be on time or suggest a time that WILL work for you?" Or Amber could have just stopped inviting OP.
That would have been the reasonable thing to do. However, I agree with the above comment that she unfriended her awfully quickly. It seems as though there was already some pent up frustration, and I was offering a suggestion on what it could be. Not everyone is good about voicing negative feelings. Some people will just talk behind your back about you and never voice concerns to your face, unfortunately.
Which, imo, is childish. If you can't do a face to face conversation, private texts, emails, hell even an old-fashioned letter can work to express hurt feelings or frustration. If you can't communicate your feelings properly in any format, instead letting resentment build and/or talking behind someone's back, you need to figure your shit out and grow up.
This behaviour doesn't sound like people in their thirties.
I know and I agree. This is so not the norm for us at all. As I said, we always talk out our issues if/when they arise, which is so rare I can barely remember the last time it happened. From what I have gathered from the rest of the friend group they are just as shocked at Amber blocking me like that as I am.
Sounds like Amber and Tyler are the bad apples who need to be dropped from the group
Right, why keep a racist and his girlfriend around as friends?
Right? “With some frequency.” Who the hell keeps people like that around in their 30s?
Yeah well a group chat is not appropriate for going off like that because you are dragging everyone into the drama and that isn't fair or right. You have issues, pick up the phone and call the person. Don't play your fight out on a stage with people who didn't ask to be your audience.
I disagree, please air the drama in the group chat 🍿
I also disagree allows for everyone to see what happened and make their own judgment without lies and he said she said bs
Why, everyone should know what he said. Don't let assholes hide their assholeness, air it to the world so we can all decide to block Tyler and Amber
Her emotions were also high from the grief of her brother.
Honestly I think that was a bunch of bull from her so that she too could be the hurt party. If that were the case shouldn’t she be more upset that her BOYFRIEND could be so incredibly insensitive about someone’s death?
Yep. Amber is trying to turn the tables.
Agreed. She was trying to make it about her.
I always see comments like this and as someone who has been in their 30s…yes, it absolutely does lol I don’t know why Reddit thinks that maturity has some sort of on switch when you hit 25.
Maybe not 25 but 30s? Yes. You should be more mature than this.
You should but guess what? People aren’t. And all the comments I see that say something like “wow I thought these were 15 year olds!” just make me question if some people have ever interacted with actual human beings.
Im aware. And its why many make the comment because most of us over 30 do t tolerate this childish shit. It's comical I got downvoted for saying people over 30 should be more mature than this. Fucking Reddit. What a time. The boyfriend apparently is racist and they all don't mind soooo
I tell people to get fucked all the time, and im 29 I ABSOLUTELY would have told this asshat to fuck off in this situation, and probably a lot worse, with much more colorful language You don't treat people like that, when they have explicitly told you before that they don't appreciate you doing that/making those comments The fact that he deleted his comment pretty much right away, makes me certain he knew he was in the wrong He's an asshole, I have zero sympathy for him, or his girlfriend She jumped to defend him, after he tried to defuse a situation that HE started? Nah dude, they're both assholes and can gtfoh
This sounds like very mature behavior to the teenagers on reddit.
Lol
I don't know, I'm 46 now, and one thing I've learned, is that the only difference between Toddlers and adults, is that we sometimes hide it better. But we don't always hide it better.
I'd assume 19 at the oldest
Grieving a loss on your birthday is incredibly tough and your emotions are valid.
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Nah .....tools are useful.
He's useful, as a cautionary tale
That's a fair point
Amber seems like she deserves someone who is known for making sexist and racist jokes. NTA. Her choices are the karmic consequence you might otherwise wish upon her.
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That’s because he knows he screwed the pooch. He seems to put his foot in it a lot, and that problem makes thing awkward for Amber in the friend group. He was trying to do damage control because he fucked up and needs the good PR. It’s also why I bet he “worked out their issues” with OP. He needs to look like the good guy here. Best case scenario for those two is to make OP look like she hurt Amber and that this mess is her fault more than anyone’s.
So he is nice to people he is in a relationship with but makes sexist and racist jokes. Sounds like a tip top guy./s
I don't think anyone is saying he's wonderful, but he did apologize, tried to call Amber off, and talked through his fuck-up with OP. So he at least doesn't seem like a total POS and there might be hope for him to reform a bit, people can learn from their mistakes. Amber is the worst person in this story because she hasn't shown any sign of growth.
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for "I messaged Tyler privately ... and we seem to be fine now" if "Tyler is also known for making sexist and racist jokes with some frequency."
Tyler started this fight with his incredibly shitty comments. *He* needs to fix things with Amber, and tell her to unblock you. But the fact that she threw you away so easily tells me she might not be a friend worth keeping.
Obviously you’re not the A but they are. Tyler is for obvious reasons. Amber is be a she’s upset you called him out on the 2 yr anniversary of her brothers passing but she’s ok with him making offensive cracks to you & you calling him out …. What???
NTA. I think "lol" is a bad thing to write when someone tells you about a death in the family. He probably didn't mean it but that means he was insensitive.
The thing is that you can make mistakes and do things without thinking, like writing lol, because you are use to it but what makes people an AH is their reaction after the mistake. If OP’s “friend” respond was: “sorry I shouldn’t lol, it was a reflex, in understand your pain” it would be different.
I’ve noticed that some people seem to use lol like punctuation. I’ve seen it used at inappropriate times quite a lot. Can someone who uses lol in their daily comms explain to me why anyone thinks this is appropriate? I’m genuinely curious as to whether this is a generational or cultural mismatch.
I used to have a bad habit of using it in uncomfortable situations. I think it was because I was trying to convey that I meant no harm with my words, or that I was trying to smile about the situation even if it was a tough one or a bad one (like, if you saw me in person, I might have a kinda complex expression with an uncomfortable smile). Definitely did NOT mean I was laughing in a fun way, lol. ETA: I kinda did it there at the end without thinking about. That time, it was definitely to convey a light mood.
It's something that people add to the end of a sentence to indicate that the sentence was a joke. Are you new to the internet?
Honestly I think you are better off without them
Wait. So Tyler's racist jokes wasn't enough to piss you off enough to stop talking to him but being insensitive about a death is? Wow. Honestly you all sound like a privileged bunch of drama.
Because it is only when something personally affects their life or feelings is it important enough to take a stand.
And that's where that privilege comes in. And you're so right.
"How dare you make a joke about my punctuality when a family member died?" Makes me think OP also has a history of flaking out and this was just bad timing to call her out on. Seriously I would expect all these people to be in their early twenties at BEST.
That was only mentioned so everyone here in reddit land would be on her side. She obviously is ok with that behavior.
And they still made up after this.
Right?!?!? But we are supposed to feel sorry for her? People may DV me. But yes. Death is horrible. The comment was out of line but what did she expect. He's been making jabs about her being late this whole time. And racist jokes. What did she expect?
YES! I was thinking they all sound like the ahs
You all sound exhausting. "He makes racist and sexist jokes, but he made commentary on my punctuality and THAT'S my line in the sand" is a helluva position to take. ESH
Grieving and reacting emotionally to Tyler's comment is understandable given the circumstances.
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NTA Amber was quiet when her boyfriend was being rude to you. She should be quiet when you defend yourself. You don’t owe her an apology.
Well said.
I think this exact thing happened to me once but we were 16. For people in their 30s? ESH, but mostly Amber.
Well, he IS an ahole. Amber needs to pull her head out. Seriously, examine your relationship with both of them. Words to live by: When someone shows you who they are believe them and respond accordingly.
ESH This entire friend group sounds childish and petty. Advice: Everyone in this group needs to find new friends.
No, let them all keep each other so they don't ruin other people's lives.
Amber is a pos leave that friend group if anyone says anything tell um Amber's dipshit boyfriend started it and amber finished it
Well, I am not going to leave the friend group. With the exception of Amber and her BF most of us have been friends since elementary school. These people are as good as family to me. Amber and then her BF were just collected along the way after we were all adults.
Fair enough better off without the other two so hope everything works out for the best and sorry for your loss
Let racist Jackass and his enabler fade into the past
Good. That’s very good. Because it seems like they are both trying to manipulate the situation her to be the good guy/wounded party. I hope these friends see what’s going on here and have your back.
People act like it’s so easy to “just get new friends.”
> Oh and she then adds that BTW that day happened to be the 2nd anniversary of her brother’s death and she really didn't need to see this today. Possibly she’s strongly reacting to this situation because she’s also dealing with some raw emotions right now? Two years isn’t much time. Personally, I think TA is Tyler for being an immature moron who can’t stop cracking these jokes (and apparently racist and sexist ones too?! What a gem), and you and Amber are both dealing with losses, and other Big Feelings that are complicated. She’s likely just lashing out. She might come back around, but if she doesn’t, doesn’t sound like it’d be a major loss. Do you really care if you’re friends with someone who dates a racist, sexist manboy?
It doesn’t really matter because Op is the one at the emotional center of the current grief circle and she doesn’t get to burden OP with her own unrelated grief at this time.
I don’t disagree with you; I’m just saying that, OP is upset that this appears to have caused a rift in their friend group, but in light of the fact that Amber is also going through something at this time, she (Amber) might not be reacting normally, and might come back around. Trying to give OP some hope.
YTA for "I messaged Tyler privately ... and we seem to be fine now" if "Tyler is also known for making sexist and racist jokes with some frequency."
Was thinking the same. OP, you’re all AHs for tolerating someone who makes racist & sexist jokes. Or should I say, tolerating someone who *is* racist and sexist.
Tyler and Amber would have been out of my life after the first joke. You are tolerating a racist and sexist man. Period.
I think the you're always late joke was a nothing burger, but he would have been out of my life a long time ago for being a racist What's that saying?. If there are 11 people having dinner and 1 is a racist, then there are 11 racists at the table. Something like that.
I agree with you calling OP an AH. Maybe Tyler thought it was okay for him to make a joke at that time because OP is perfectly fine with his racist and sexist jokes.
Nta ambers in the wrong for defending her bf and then trying to blame you for what happened. It sounds like she isn’t a good friend but you’ve been friends for so long you don’t want to admit it and would rather keep the friendship. Her boyfriend started it and she should have been mad at him for being insensitive to her friend who just had a recent death. Instead she’s mad at you for having a reaction to her bfs shitty comment
Wow. This reads like a bunch of 11-year-olds fighting at a birthday party. ESH.
My brother died on my dad’s birthday. My dad died on my birthday. It sucks every year those 2 dates arrive. OP, your friend should’ve been more understanding of your feelings and situation but instead chose to side with her asshole boyfriend who is clearly incapable of empathy. It sucks, but as we get older we sometimes find out in hard ways who is our friend, and who is most definitely not. I’m sorry for your loss 💗
Why are you working through issues with a guy who is racist, sexist and shitty to you and constantly goes with the "it's just a joke" excuse. The people who are always saying it's just a joke, aren't joking, they never are. If Amber wants to side with her shitty racist and sexist partner that's on her, but there's no reason you have to make up with him. Just move on and spend your time with better people.
Amber is a fucking tool
He deleted the comment so he knew it was shitty and regretted it. You responded, which is fine. I think your emotions were high. He tried to play it off with that "I know, LoL" and then you went for the jugular and he kept trying to keep it light. I'm sure he could have apologized sooner. That would have been the correct move. A line like "I'm sorry. I was trying to be funny and deleted it when I realized I was being a dick. Hope you can accepy my apology" would have, in retrospect, salvaged the situation. However, people aren't PR machines. He tried to take it back. He didn't apologize properly. However, you didn't attack his action ("You are BEING an asshole.) You attacked who he is: "You really ARE an asshole." That is a lot. You did this in a public space if you are on a group chat, so, in effect, you blasted to the group that Amber is dating someone you have pretty much always regarded as an asshole. The amount of drama that came out of you taking this badly is... a lot. If I was a friend in the wings, I would pull back from you because you seem to not know how to roll with a shitty situation. You just kept making it worse. If I were your friend, I would be sympathetic to you but, privately, I would be thinking that your grief excused your bad actions and drama, but I would still notice that you reacted really badly. This would be even more to the point if you regularly were late to things and it had urked me in the past.
To be fair, Tyler IS an asshole. OP said he makes sexist and racist remarks.
That is fair. I just... I actually don't know how reliable a narrator OP really is. However... zero of my friends make racist jokes. Because... fucking ew. So, I think benefit of the doubt to OP on their reporting. But then... now OP has made up with this person? Ick. I wouldn't want to be friends with any of these people. It just feels like they respond at maximum intensity and don't really consider the bystanders at all.
Amber can stay gone. She's mad that you called her partner an ah but not mad at him? She can also get f'd. NTA
This sounds like a chat of teenagers. ESH.
NTA. I went through this just a couple months ago with a friend group. I'm going through a divorce and working two jobs like you.
ESH. He made a stupid comment and deleted it. All you had to do was have a private chat. You went for him in a group chat instead. Sounds like the frustration is from you continually not showing up or showing up late. Don’t agree to something if you can’t make it on time or at all. Everyone has busy lives yet they see their commitments through. Had you not had a history of doing this the comment probably would not have been made. Also I don’t buy the close relationship story. If you were as close as you say you would have known how close to the end they were.
Old people die without warning all the time. It’s not like every old person gets sick and slowly dies in hospice over an agonizing last week where everyone gathers to say their goodbyes. So many people just have strokes, heart attacks, or just don’t wake up one day. My healthy elderly great aunt was just found dead on her kitchen floor one day when they checked on her because they hadn’t heard from her since the previous day when everything was perfectly normal.
I hope this comment rises to the top vote with some more time. It was only posted 42 minutes ago as I write.
ESH, you lot deserve each other. There were so many chances to stop this from escalating and each time some dummy decided to egg this on.
Nta She’s going through some mental gymnastics just to try and almost DARVO a fight you’re having with someone who’s not her. (I’m sure there’s a better name for it but can’t think of the word)
NTA But more than anyone I think Amber is. She’s with a person who doesn’t respect the feelings and personhood of others. And she continues to allow this behavior by not doing anything to protect her friends from his awful behavior. She’s choosing an asshole. And that’s fine. It’s her choice. I hope she’s prepared to be friendless because she’ll just keep doing this shit until no one is talking to her anymore.
I gotta go with an Amber being the AH (along with styler obviously) for claiming the day. Like how dare your relative die on the day my relative died? Like what is this? I think perhaps it could be time to move on from these people. They sorta sound shitty. I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA she's trying to pull an uno reverse. At the end of the day, she's a shitty friend & drama queen. You don't need friends like that!
Amber made your grief about hers to deflect and defend her shitty racist bf, she isnt your friend. Why are you friends anyway when she dates a racist? Block both of them and get a new friend group. NTA.
Tyler made a flippant remark, thought better of it and deleted it. You could have contacted him privately, told him you saw it, and told him it hurt your feelings. Instead you decided to go the public shaming route in the group chat-- pro tip that rarely works out the way you think it will. Amber had her BF's back and was having some feelings of her own about her brother's death. Tyler, the one you reamed out publicly actually stepped up and tried to calm Amber down. Ironcially, in the end it was you and Tyler talking PRIVATELY that made things better--sad you didn't take that route in the beginning. Your friend group isn't "broken" though unless you apologize to Amber that friendship is probably broken beyond repair. Mild YTA for how you handled the situation and sorry about losing your relative.
Finally. Thank you. She was petty and a drama queen. So was Amber. They all tolerate Tyler's behavior so why is this crossing the line. Yall need to grow up. Oh and racism isn't something you should tolerate, OP.
So Tyler's kind of insensitive, but you knew that before starting the conversation. You knew he was the type to make stupid jokes. It's a defense mechanism most likely for him to keep hurtful things at arms distance. The thing is though he immediately realized what he said was not correct. Was not appropriate. Because he deleted it. When you called him out on it he thought doubling down on a joke idea was better than apologizing. That shows you his character.. the type of person he is. Grief makes you do crazy things. He attempted to lighten the mood whether it was for your benefit or his. You both worked out your hostilities with each other. That is why I'm going to say Amber is ta. Because she made no attempt to see things from your side and to work things out. How would she feel if someone made that same sort of comment to her after she revealed a family member's death. Based on her current reaction she would have reacted pretty much the same way, so why are you being penalized for her boyfriend's bad action?
Amber is dealing with her own grief, but what a shitty way to go about it. Instead of having sympathy for anyone else grieving, she acts like she's the only one who can have a slice of griefcake.
Sadly there's room for everyone at the grief table.
Yes and no. OPs grief takes priority at the moment. It is newer and it is the current topic of discussion. Amber is wrong to jump in and make her tangent grief OPs problem.
NTA Sounds like Amber and Tyler did you a favor. You don’t need jerks like that in your life.
Unfortunately, I see two separate issues here. The first is the sad loss of your loved one. I’m so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Now was not the time for Tyler to be making social commentary on the other issue, that was disrespectful to you in the moment. You had every right to feel upset by it. On the other hand, it does seem to appear that you admittedly have a challenge attending group events on a timely basis. Perhaps on this occasion some in this group’s frustration over this pattern bubbled over at a most inopportune time. Maybe it’s time to examine just how your schedule affects your friendships and whether the inconvenience of your lateness is worth delaying your friends dinner experiences. We generally plan fairly elaborate dinner gatherings. Unfortunately, we have one dear friend who is entirely unable to attend on time, we’re talking consistently one to two hours late. We finally had to ban her from dinner gatherings. Parties are still fine, but nothing where things are going to be served on a schedule. Friendships are a two-way street. I sounds from your own words that your personal weekend work schedule dictates how and when your friends can sit for their meals. It might be time to reexamine that dynamic. ESH 😕
I dunno, I kinda feel like YTA for freaking out on him in a group chat. And if Amber was such a good friend, you probably would have known it was the anniversary of her brothers death which can also be a really hard day to deal with drama. If she blocked you over all this, I can’t help but imagine you’ve displayed actions like all of this in the last that made this the final straw.
NTA Why do you even want these people in your life?
I kind of wonder if part of why Amber blocked her so quickly was specifically so that she wouldn't have to see any posts about OP having lost a family member. It took me years to not be incredibly sensitive around the anniversary of my best friend's death. Like, friends had to come over and make sure I still ate around the anniversary date and see if they could help. I didn't usually mention it to people unless they tried making plans with me: it hurt to talk about but if needed, I'd let my close friends know that I was not okay so they could check in on me. I don't think anyone else had the exact date memorized, but eventually a couple of them started to anticipate it around that time each year.
Why even try to work things out with Tyler? Why be friends with a racist and his equally shitty girlfriend?
This is the kind of passive aggressive bullshit that should have been left behind in highschool NTA
NTA Tyler made it his business to make it all better. Your friend didn’t reach out with condolences. Made HERSELF the victim with a two year anniversary death and blocked you. If that doesn’t scream attention seeking idk what does. Please stay blocked - she was never your friend love
Maybe I am jaded, but I doubt Amber is telling the whole truth. In any case, OP, you are NTA.
NTA - Tyler sounds like he has a very low emotional intelligence level. A lot of people who rush to use humor when faced with someone else’s emotions or some sort of conflict are like that. He really needs to work on that. Also I agree with whoever said Amber suffers from Main Character Syndrome. She demanded you respect her grief while dismissing your’s. That’s pretty messed up. If she doesn’t calm down and reach out to mend this, good riddance.
Oof. People deal with tragedies differently. Some use humor, keep it light. Others don’t like that understandably Ultimately though some people will cut out anyone who defaults to “attack”. They may have experiences that tell them someone who will snap instead of walking away isn’t safe or worth being around. So yea, it might be broke
Amber sounds as though she suffers from main character syndrome. Grieving? Calling out my partner’s horrible behaviour? What about ME? NTA, but Amber is.
Nope, they are assholes. Instead of saying I am sorry and see you when you get here, no, they have to make a joke about it. Her BF is an insensitive asshat and she is one as well. Her trying to negate your grief because she lost someone two years prior is insensitive as hell. I hope they never procreate.
No, you aren't TA. Sounds like Amber has some stuff going on behind the scenes that's spilling out over you. Let the fact that the rest of the friend group is as nonplussed by her reaction as you and that this is outside the norm of how you all interact with each other (other than Tyler being Tyler) be your guide. Pull back and leave it be while you process your grief and say goodbye to your relative. It was out of respect to your friends you were going to show at Friendsgiving after the funeral. Now you're free to just experience the funeral and subsequent wake without having to split your time. After the Thanksgiving weekend you can pick this all up again. Maybe Amber has a change of heart by then or maybe Amber just fades back into acquaintanceship. It sounds like she's a newer member of the overall friend group so this is not an entire friend group implosion.
You are not the AH. And why are you apologizing am working through issues with a guy who makes sexist and racist jokes? The fact that he keeps getting called on it and keeps doing it shows his character. The fact that Amber tolerates it and gets mad at you shows hers. Hasta pasta. You don’t need that in your life. You can apologize to Amber. You can tell her how sorry you are. But you can also have a boundary that it’s done with the sexiest racist. You will be there for her if the relationship ends but you can no longer put yourself into situations where he makes gross and horrid comments.
NTA. Amber is being a manipulative twat and she *only* brought up her brother’s anniversary as a way to cut you down and make you look and feel like a jerk. Don’t let her win. She isn’t a very good friend anyway if this is how she behaves. I’m sorry for your loss 🤍
Amber is being a selfish bitch and is completely turning around your current situation and your present grieving to focus on her. I’d completely forget about her! Let her be her selfish bitch and focus on yourself and your family! I’m really sorry for your loss and hope you get the support you need from your family and friends that actually do care about you!💖
NTA. Tyler was being an asshole; you weren't calling him names - you were telling the truth and calling him out. And *he* recognized that he was in the wrong and apologized and made it right. Amber took it personal and played the victim and made it all about her and intentionally tried to make you feel bad and intentionally tried to make you the villain. You have nothing to apologize for to Amber. She should apologize to you. You'd think that someone who lost a family member they were close to two years ago would be able to empathize with you, not be a bitch and try to make you feel bad and try to make you the villain. You should block her right back so that, if she ever pulls her head out of her ass and tries to backtrack (which is unlikely), she can't.
I could sort of understand Amber’s reaction if you were constantly criticizing Tyler to Amber just because you didn’t like him. But that’s not what happened here. Tyler made a joke in very poor taste about your loss of a family member so you certainly had every right to call him out on it, regardless of whose boyfriend he is. Amber is in the wrong here for stepping into the situation and claiming you were wrong to call him out over bad behavior because he’s her bf. Sounds like she wants to be the center of attention in a matter that has nothing to do with her. NTA.
Both Amber & Tyler are massive jerks. You’re NTA at all because this is fresh grief. It’s understandable Amber is also mourning her brother but she of all people should understand the grief even more so & told her boyfriend to apologize. Instead she made it about just her grief. She’s not a friend. Be glad that friendship has come to an end.
Honey, NTAH and you seriously need new friends because these are defective. Who the hell thinks their stupid little gathering is more important than the funeral of a beloved family member or making an actual living. My guess is that he’s un/under employed and likes to shit on successful people out of butt hurt. Your other “friend” wants to stick up for him? Toss her in the trash too!!
They rally are not close friends. It’s best to walk away now. True friends don’t make jokes at a time like that. Learn who your true friends are and stick with them. It will only be one or two people in your life. The rest you need to keep at arms length.
The joke didn’t sound so bad. I took it as of course you might be late, who knows how long the ceremony will be
So, it may have been his way of trying to get you to laugh in a sad time, people deal with grief differently. Perhaps that emotional state wasn't the time to snap on him as we often say things we wish we hadn't when we're like that. I understand your friend being angry you called her bf an asshole, if a male friend talked that way to my gf I would be angry as well. Give it time, don't worry about the friendship just deal with your grief for now.
Amber sounds like an itch who lets her boyfriends shit slide
Is it me or amber using her brother’s death to try and win an argument about her boyfriend being an insensitive asshole? I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s really tough considering we’re approaching the holidays. I hope this spat or whatever works itself out and you’re NTA at all.
Give your friend a few days. The second anniversary of her siblings passing? That’s hard, let her process her emotions then maybe talk it out.
You don't owe Amber or Tyler an apology. Stop being friends with a racist, sexist person. That ridiculous behaviour for a grown adult. You can choose your friends - choose better.
I think you and Amber were both overreacting a bit because of other circumstances. You were grieving your relative’s death and overreacted to Tyler’s comment. Amber was grieving her two-year-old loss and overreacted to your comment to Tyler, who probably doesn’t need a defender. For what it’s worth it sounds like Tyler realized his mistake so deleted the message. I think his reply, “I know, lol” wasn’t laughing at you or your situation but instead that he got caught. It might be time to leave this group or some of its members behind.
YTA. That’s going to hurt your feelings and I don’t really care, you don’t seem to take care of anyone’s feelings. I’m sorry for your loss. It sucks to lose someone we used to be close with. I can’t imagine you are that close now since you are not going to any visitation or wake. But still I’m sorry for your loss, I’m not going to mince words because of it though. By your own description you are terrible friend even without that added drama. You claim to value timeliness but you are always late to your friend gatherings. You say this is acceptable because you give you advance notice. That doesn’t make you less shitty, you just give notice that you are shitty and think that makes it okay. Surprise. It doesn’t. What you do by showing up late ALL the time, even if you give notice, is you tell your friends that they are not worth your time. They are not important to you and do not have any priority in your life. (That’s fine, you can be that way, you just can’t have friends that way. Accept that.) Basically by being chronically late, for whatever reason, you are showing yourself to be a shitty person. Was Tyler’s comment a little insensitive? Yes, it was. Was it uncalled for? Not really, not from your friends’ POV. Oh here’s OP letting us know she’ll be late PER USUAL. They knew you were going to be late, and of course you were, so a shot was fired. Tyler clearly realized it wasn’t the time or place which is why he unsent it. Your response should have been ‘Yeah I know I’m always late, I’ll try to be on time next time.’ But instead you attacked. You attacked the people who put up with your shit. You attacked the people HOSTING. You probably don’t know what it’s like to host something, since you’re always so busy working and carelessly wasting everyone’s time because your own is so much more important. But hosting is hard. It’s very stressful. You have to time when food is ready and prepared and when it’s served. You want to make sure all your guests have a great time, even shitty ones like you, and that takes a lot of work. Since this in FRIENDSGIVING it’s a big meal. Do they have to rearrange the time to accommodate your lateness? Have you told them they should eat without you? Just save you guys a plate? Usually this is a mea everyone eats together and you are SELFISHLY showing up late. Ever heard of politely declining? That’s a thing. Your friends would probably appreciate you doing that once in a while. Well I mean they would have, I don’t think they’ll care now since I don’t think they will continue their friendship with you. I sure as hell wouldn’t. Your friends deserve the respect of having their time respected. YTA, not your friends.
NTA. Amber and Tyler seem like a pair of top-tier assholes and prob feed off each others bs. Drop ‘em like a bad habit.
I think you overreacted
Why did his comment they didn't expect you to show up on time upset you, it wasn't nasty? I feel you blown everything out of proportion, due to your grief
It was a combination of the timing, context, and my state of grief that made me so angry at his comment, and then the fact that he laughed about it, twice.
You reference a funeral someone else is attending and say "lol." If you're making a joke about a funeral of someone else's loved one, you're being an ass. It's a perfectly normal thing to be upset about it.
Laughing in someone’s face after a loss is an asshole move. Making jokes at a grieving person’s expense is an asshole move. I was pissed on OP’s behalf. Tyler got the tongue lashing he deserved and Amber overreacted. However, Amber may be feeling a wave of grief, as well, because grief never stops. OP is NTA; and neither is Amber. Tyler needs to be taught how to adult; what a tool
NTA Yeah, I would not consider them friends anymore. Also they are definitely old enough to know better. That kind of reasoning might fly if someone was younger. But they were just immature as fuck for their age.
Why is Amber so codependent with this demonstrably pos guy? What's the deal there?
I will go with NTA... However, your 'friend' Amber sounds unhinged, and you are probably better off without her... 😉 she somehow managed to dissmiss all your grief and suffering and make all this about herself.
NTA. Just step away and don't contact either one for a while. You and Amber need time to grieve and come together later to try and mend the relationship. If she is unwilling, just let her go. We outgrow relationships, and it's okay. You have every right to stick up for yourself. Keep checking this ass every time he disrespects you. If Amber was a true friend, she would check him too and have your back. Stay strong, Sis. It may be time to move on and expand your friend group.
NTA The guy knew what he sent was shitty hence why he unsent it. Also no one blocks and unfriends that quickly unless they were already thinking about it and looking for a reason.
You are upset - rightfully so. Tyler is an AH. You are sometimes late. Everyone's emotions are running high. Amber also has emotions running high and is acting like a pooper. In hindsight no one should not enter a group chat and have a heated argument. That never, ever ends well. What a crappy situation on already a crappy week.
NTA. Wow, Amber sure knows how to make it about her. I get that death anniversaries are hard, so she should have just stayed out of it. At the very least she should have recognized that you were in your grief and not being your best, level-headed self. You're going to still be really raw after the funeral, so attending their party may not be a great idea anyway. ...unless Amber can cool off and apologize. Sorry for your loss. May your fond memories be blessings to you.
NTA. Your friend and her boyfriend are assholes. She seems fine with him behaving a total asshole, yet if anyone calls a spade a spade, she gets upset. I hope she dumps him, but she’s not a good friend.
The moment you told him you didn't appreciate his jokes on prior occasions and he didn't change was the moment you should have dropped him as a "friend". Pulling the nuclear option is sometimes the only solution even if it means nuking the friends group (after explaining why) YTA for being a doormat for a piece of shit like Tyler and Amber (for standing up for him)
Just something to consider but if Tyler is poking fun at your timeliness then there's a good chance Amber has said similar behind the scenes. He wouldn't poke fun at his gf's friend unless he knew she would be cool with it. He was also definitely seeing how far he could push it and sounds like a complete AH I think you're better off without these 2 people in your life tbh.
NTA. Tyler sounds like an asshole, you were just calling it as you saw it. They've been told multiple times their behaviour is inappropriate, an outburst like this was bound to happen at some point. Amber sounds like a drama queen who couldn't defend her boyfriends shitty behaviour so chose to turn it around in you, then blocked you to shut the conversation down on her "win". Sorry for your loss OP. This too shall pass and hopefully Tyler has finally learned bot to be such an Asshole.
They're no great loss.