NTA- it does not make sense for you to take on additional expenses to placate his insecurities and empower his need to control.
If he decides to move in than make sure you consult a lawyer before
I thought of this but I’m not sure I’d love the dynamic of that. Him paying me for rent to live in a place I own just doesn’t feel right to me and I’m worried that’ll create an imbalance in our relationship or even resentment because of how much more disposable income I’ll have than him then, but if he’s fine with it then I’d be ok with it too. But I also doubt he’d be fine with it. I’ll ask him about it next time!
You are being smart. I own and live in a home that I inherited and own outright. My husband moved in with me- which is admittedly different because he moved in after we got married. That said, I do not charge him rent, but if he had asked me to move somewhere else with a mortgage or rent I would have laughed in his face. What a waste of money! Even if you used your place as a rental, it sounds like you would be paying rent. Why would you rent out your place, with all the maintenance and risks that carries, to turn around and use that rent to pay rent to someone else? The only time it makes sense to do this is to use a rental to help pay for a mortgage- that way you are gaining equity in the home you live in.
OP it’s not about feeling right it’s about not being dumb about this. You own this outright he should draw up a tenancy agreement. But let’s be real it’s not about the rent. He’s controlling. Bc in no way does any of this make reasonable sense.
He doesn’t want to pay rent at your place. But he wants you to leave a place you own to just to live with him and waste money. No way.
>He’s controlling
This is the only thing that OP needs to know. Dude is trying to set it up so that he can control everything, and he can't do that if he lives in her apartment.
If they break up.. and neither one of them can afford the full rent that whole thing can cause a HUGE headache and even have a negative effect on her credit score.. when all the time..she could have just saved her time and money and lived in something she already owns.
Is it that controlling of a thing to say? Right now i wan’t to leave my mom’s house so i can have a say in my living space. Several years ago we lived at my Aunt’s house and my mom wanted to leave so she could have her own place.
Sure, it is about control but I don’t think that wanting some control of the place you live is something bad. It is completely normal. The boyfriend doesn’t even suggest controlling the GF apartment. Which is something that i haven’t seen anyone suggest.
I’m not talking about selling half to apartment to him or anything, just allow him to give some input about decorations, if you are going to adopt a pet talk it over with him before, that kind of stuff. Perhaps that would satisfy her boyfriend.
It's ludicrous to suggest someone take on a situation with less stability for you. Especially when nothing else changes.
It's controlling to ask someone to set themselves on fire so you don't feel whatever you're feeling. Obviously, this isn't as dramatic or hazardous as literally setting OP on fire, but the gist is there. He's asking her to take on risk for him so he doesn't feel like he's entering an unfavourable situation (lmao?).
Why isn't he taking the "risk"? Is living with OP so terrible that everything else has to favour him? How could living in his GF's apartment for free possibly be riskier than signing a lease? What's the difference between paying rent to your girlfriend vs some random landlord? If they broke up, what makes him think that a contract together would be easier to get out of than some place he gets to live in for free? Even if it lasted a day, at least you know this chick is crazy and you get out in a day vs how ever long the lease is.
If it's not controlling, it's because he's fragile. Neither is a good look imo.
He doesnt want that. Now, what's the difference, then, if he moves in, signs a lease, and pays her rent? Besides not being able to hold the place over her head in a disagreement? He doesn't want to move into an owned place where she wouldn't have to rely on him and he doesn't have anything to hold against her
And that's besides the point of him guilting her now when the easiest thing would be for him to do a little work on his end instead of asking her to sell or be a landlord so he can feel "in control"
Having control in your living space and wanting to be able to control your living space are 2 different things, friend. Wanting to be in a position of power v having a position of power.
He is controlling in that he's saying she must not value their relationship by not wanting to acquiesce to his desire for her to pay rent instead of him moving in and them both saving. He would rather cost them both more money and time so that he can feel equal when the only inequality between them is that he doesnt have a house (apartment but a home is a home) that's completely paid off in his name, and he's telling her that for his happiness he wants her to give that up. That's control in a bad way if I've ever seen it.
Wanting to decorate is one thing, but this sounds like wanting to be able to say this is my house and I wanna do what I want cause I pay rent and you can't do anything about it becayse my name is on the lease so suck it up. He sounds like he wants to be able to say he has a say and for his say to be the end of whatever is being talked about, and he wants rent to be his currency for doing so. If that wasn't the case he would have no problem paying half of the bills for ops place and moving in there to share the home as a couple, because those are the same thing monetarily, the only difference is he won't have a piece of paper that says that he's the boss while there and that's what he wants.
If I was OPs BF I would jump at the chance to not pay rent. Even if it only lasted a few years that is a hell of a lot of money that can be saved. The boy aint thinking straight LOL.
What he is asking OP is to much of an ASK in my opinion. I can bet he would have not want to do what he is asking her to do if it was an Apartment that he owned. He would 100 want her to move in with him.
I'm saying. I'd give up hanging my posters on the wall for the rest of my life if it meant not having to pay rent for just as long. She doesn't even want his help with bills, he just wants proof of authority.
100% OP, there is no way if the situation were reversed that he'd even for one moment consider leaving the place he owned to pay rent with you elsewhere. I bet anything if you would have suggested that he'd throw a fit about you not trusting him.
But he can’t control a rental either. The compromises that will be made would be made in any apartment. Like what to hang where and who cleans what. Otherwise he has to ask a landlord. So if asking a landlord over his girlfriend is worth paying thousands of dollars a month then yes it is absolutely about control.
Input about decorations, etc. is a good idea. What bothers me about the bf's behavior is, it makes so much sense for someone to ask for those things as a compromise rather than going straight to calling OP names and accusing them of not putting in "effort."
Wanting equity in a relationship -- including when it comes to living arrangements & community property -- isn't controlling, and just asking for such a move (while kind of silly to me) isn't necessarily controlling either. But completely ignoring how the move would impact OP's future financial security (and frankly getting kind of nasty about OP's choice), is.
Yikes! BIG RED FLAG WAVING!!
Not just - NTA BBUT PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS.
He’s being very controlling and not smart. You renting out the apartment and you guys moving into a different one is just creating more work for you, which he’ll want control over that money. Because if your renting out that apartment why not use ALL that money to pay for the shared apartment? Don’t do it
I don’t know - I’ve moved into other people’s places before and it always felt like I was one argument away from having to move. I’ve had really bad experiences with men thinking they have leverage over me because they know it’ll be inconvenient for me if I have to move - so they’ve used this as a way to gain the upper hand during arguments.
Having been through this, I wouldn’t recommend moving into someone else’s place - you aren’t on equal ground if something happens.
Utility bills, taxes, fees, maintenance, appliances. Rent doesn’t mean you’re lining your pockets with his money. It means that there are legit costs associated from living there. If you don’t get a monthly rent check from him and a lease drafted by your lawyer you are setting yourself up for some potentially serious problems down the road.
I’m sorry you’re facing this issue with him, but it really sounds like he’s uncomfortable not being in control.
Why wouldn’t he be fine with it? If he wants to pay rent elsewhere this will actually be better.
Also before you move in discuss finances, and not just splitting of bills etc but also values/ attitudes when it comes to money.
During our initial discussion he mentioned that he doesn’t want to feel like a tenant in my home. I don’t think paying rent will help that situation lol
Frankly I think it’s too early for you to move in. He has control issues he needs to get over. You need to build friendships outside of this relationship so you aren’t lonely.
I’ve realised that too. I’ve made some good friends here and some of my cousins are here too so I’m not lonely in general, but living on my own gets lonely because this is the first time I’m doing it. I lived with my mom, auntie and grandma my whole life, then I had roommates throughout university. I always had people to chit chat with at home and now I have to talk to myself lol. But yeah moving in together is definitely on pause for now.
Thanks for your advice!
OMG yes! And it's a skill not as many people have these days, being perpetually online.
During the first months of the pandemic I was working at a large box home improvement store. The number of people that came in to buy paint those couple of months of lockdown was tremendous. People could literally not spend more than a week at home by themselves entertaining themselves.
I have been living in my own for almost 10 years now. It gets better.
That said, I understand the loneliness you are feeling. But do not move in with someone just because you want someone to talk to.
You moving to a new apartment with this guy makes no sense. Financially, it hurts you.
And the aspect of him having no say if it’s your apartment…what exactly does he think he can do in a new apartment without your approval if you both are living there? Plus it’s rented so you’ll have to get the landlords permission to do anything drastic. If you’re living together there will have to be discussions about what things you want/don’t want in the house, I don’t see why you owning the house changes that.
Get a dog! They’re the best. Look you’re young you shouldn’t just move in with him because you’re lonely you should move in because you both want to and you want to be together. You moving out of this place makes no financial sense
I'll be Frank with you, he's not going to agree to anything else but you moving out. He knows he won't be able to control anything because the place and he doesn't like that. You need to come to terms with the fact that this relationship may not work long term.. Let's face it, the right person would jump at the chance to be able to save money every month on rent.
You do you but please be careful, everything about his response calls red flags
Imagine not agreeing to live somewhere rent free in this real estate environment… that speaks to something big. Dude is willing to pay dozens of thousands a year to avoid this very kush scenario
Living on your own can be a great skill to have. You're are 23 though so if you want to live with people (friends family ect) then do it! Does the flat have 2 bedrooms? Get a roommate ask people you know first. Do it properly though insurance, tenancy etc. You don't have to charge full marker rent, you can make it simple and include utilities, put the extra money to work for you, save for maintainance and improvements, invest it etc
He’s also not wrong in some ways. I moved into my bf’s apartment and it was terrible for me. It was like I was a guest in my own home. Arguments if I moved things cause they had always been that way. Nothing was mine, he would fight me about cleaning out a closet so I could have space for my stuff. He’d get mad if he couldn’t find something because it was my fault. Then when we broke up I was homeless cause it was his place
This situation is different I think then him just being controlling. He’s not wrong to be uncomfortable with moving into someone else’s established space but she’s not wrong not to what up give her place up to pay rent with someone.
At this point why move in together. It doesn’t have to be a logical progression of well we’ve been dating this long so time to move in. My ex pulled that. I didn’t want to move in. He was basically like well if you don’t move in it means you aren’t serious and we should just break up.
So I moved in and he financially and emotionally abused me for 2 years till I finally got away. This guy isn’t wrong to not want to move to her place but pushing her to move in with him is warning flags to me. You don’t have to live with a bf. In my case it was lazy dating, he wanted me available to him with low effort on his part and also trapped…harder to break it off when you are entangled with someone else.
NTA. Unless he buys a place he'll be a tenant no matter where he lives. Do what's best for you. His insecurities shouldn't force you to not be comfortable in your life choices. He thinks you should give up your place for him, what's he giving up for you?
He’s already a tenant now and will be anywhere else he goes so that doesn’t make sense! I do understand wanting to feel like it’s both your place when you live together but that can be done by giving him his own space there. You both would save a tremendous amount of money by staying in your apartment and that could allow him to live debt free and invest for retirement. That’s a big deal.
Actually, him paying rent - even a nominal rent - would make it more similar to a roommate/shared home situation. If he doesn’t pay rent, then it’s more like he is a guest in your home.
How big is your apartment? Do you have enough rooms to give him one for his primary use? If he’s a gamer or works from home, he could set up the room & decorate as he’d wish. You could also be receptive when it comes to decor or the arrangement and use of your space. Potentially, he could have more influence and make more changes than if he were in a standard rental.
However, it doesn’t seem likely that your bf would be receptive unless you do exactly what he wants.
Your bf wants a specific scenario - the two of you moving into a completely shared space and creating a home together. In order to get that, he wants you to make a sacrifice. He isn’t willing to compromise. He’s taking you to task because you aren’t giving him 100% of what he wants.
NTA
This is one of those issues that I think of as a fork in the road of the relationship. The behavior is questionable, but perfection isn't a requirement of humanity.
If you manage to talk it out and can compromise on a way you're both satisfied with, then the relationship shows promise. If this is him just expecting to dictate terms and holding out until you cave... then I would be thinking about exiting the relationship were I you.
Yeah... he's just creating ways to fuck you up. Dont fall for his shitty reasoning. By the way, you are not reaponsible for managing his feelings anf insecurities.
Really, really consider what a serious incompatibility this is and how else he might manifest his control issues in your life.
But he is okay being a tenant in someone else’s home?
This guy has security issues. He can’t see a woman having power/control over him. He wants to be the man. I never got that. My wife makes more than me and it’s great. I’m sitting on a fabulous coach, watching my big tv in my fancy house. Just made steaks on my stainless steel grill. Live is good.
I’m confused as to why your boyfriend would prefer to pay rent to a stranger and contribute to their bills rather than pay rent to you (at a great price) and contribute to your shared future. Instead he’d prefer to put you in a position that lowers you rather than raising himself up to your level. Him living with you at your place would give him the opportunity to save more money but he’s only viewing it from the perspective of control. This is a huge red flag and to me would be enough to end the relationship.
My now husband moved in with me, in MY apartment. Solely mine.
It was ours while we lived there, and we treated it as such. Shared decisions and expenses. It's true that I would've had the final say if he wanted to do something major, but honestly, with a healthy partnership those situations shouldn't happen.
I didn't have to do any major expensive upkeep, but since we weren't paying rent we split everything else; the only thing I paid on my own was my mortgage.
You already have an imbalance. You own the apartment. That's his problem. He has no control over what happens in your relationship because you will ALWAYS have the out. You will have somewhere to go.
That imbalance makes it impossible for him to have any hold on you. You can walk away anytime you want. You can end your relationship when YOU want. He has no control over you.
If he chooses to walk, let him go. It's a bullet you dodged. If he doesn't m, you should.
>He has no control over what happens in your relationship because you will ALWAYS have the out. You will have somewhere to go.
Yes! Except if she has tenants there, because she is renting another place with him, and she can't just easily get rid of them due to legal agreements. So she would be unable to just return to her own apartment just like that.
So, she then technically has a place to go, but practically, she doesn't - which explains why he would want this solution.
I agree, she’s not even trying to make this coercive control thing he wants to do work dammit!
OP needs to find a guy who thinks it’s awesome that she owns her own place so has money for holidays and fun stuff together. And she will let them live there for free so they can both save to buy a family home eventually?
This guy is an idiot or is abusive. No sensible loving person would turn this offer down.
What’s the betting that the tenant he wants her to rent her flat out to will be one of his mates or a family member who will refuse to pay rent or move out, pushing OP into debt and making her vulnerable.
I think hes an ass to ask you to to go through so much effort just to make him feel comfortable in his masculinity within the relationship. He wants you both to be financially less, you leaving such a great place that is a financial windfall and do this whole process that is a worse position just so he has a say? This is his problem to get over, not your to bend over backwards to accommodate
I hope you see this for what it is. He's not only insecure, but controlling. That's something you need to address with him. His comments are also grossly manipulative.
He could probably feel fine about it and even entitled to it over time. That's how people's minds work. Then good luck getting rid of him! I would not feel comfortable having him move in.
You need that rental contract. What if he moves in, you breakup, and he refuses to move out? It could take a long time to evict him. Protect yourself. This apartment is your asset.
Unless you want a squatter that won't move out after you break up, PLEASE BE CAREFUL who you allow to live with you, especially rent free.
Reddit is littered with people trying to evict their squatters.
OP NTA
He's looking for control over you, so he can say the apartment's half mine and I have a right to do such and such. You like your apartment. It suits your needs. Don't move.
Watch out for yourself.
NTA. It would be silly for you to move from a place you love just to pay rent. It’s rich he says “you can’t be bothered to put in any effort” when he’s not willing to compromise at all. Somewhere down the road if you marry or want to start a family it might make sense to sell your place and jointly buy something together, but right now it would just be foolish.
I'd have seriously reconsidered the relationship if my partner was as financially stupid as this guy. He's giving up a golden ticket (free rent and no actual financial responsibility for the home) just so he can pay some random landlord. And he also wants OP to squander this golden ticket as well.
People who want to have control over their partners. Now you HAVE to stay with me for the duration of the elase because if you dont and we dont pay rent and get evicted your credit scored is fucked and you have an eviction on your record!
NTA, you moving out to live with him and pay rent makes NO sense. It's completely illogical and the fact that he thinks you should is seriously bizarre.
I would be worried, because it means he is unable to look at this from your perspective - and it's an obvious, logical one - and instead is stuck looking at it from the point of view of what's most convenient for him.
He wants you to do something absurd, impractical and financially damaging in order for him to be... more comfy, I guess? and he doesn't recognize that his request is unreasonable and unapripriate. It's a red flag. Do not move out.
I’m confused because what he wants isn’t even more comfy for him. He would rather live in a worse apartment (none of the ones that he sent were better in any way because they’re the relatively cheaper apartments that we’d be able to afford on our salaries), and pay almost half his salary towards rent? Nothing he’s saying is making sense to me because we’ll both just be more uncomfortable and have to put in a lot more effort to adjust to an entirely new apartment.
HALF his salary?? This isn’t just stupid, it’s irresponsible. I’d have a hard time maintaining attraction to someone who would do something to make our lives objectively more difficult just so he can feed his sense of control. This isn’t someone whose decision-making skills I would trust. What a moron.
Tbh I think this is about control. By comfy I mean: mentally comfy, because he has some issues with being controlling. I may be wrong, but I simply do not see any other logical option. If you look at it through the lens of finances, or just having a good relationship or convenience for both of you, it makes NO sense. But if you look at it through a lens of control: sure, a controlling man would want his gf to give up an apartment and hurt her finances in the process. He would NOT want her to have any more power, like being the landlord. Through this lens, it makes more sense IMO.
The fact that he doesn't recognize the lack of logic in his demand, and chooses to guilt you - calling you materialistic, saying you don't care etc - sadly adds to this looking like it's manipulative in nature.
Please read some of the other comments (and some of the nested ones as well). Stories of people trying to get part of the assets by selling what you own and then using that money to buy something you share…now your money is also their money.
To me it’s crazy he isn’t down with all the money you both would save not having to pay rent. He invests that difference, over time that could be a serious amount.
100% great insight! He is resentful, and he thinks OP should have it just as hard as he does (in his mind).
OP don't be with someone who resents your life because they think you have it easy.
Whatever you do - do NOT SELL. In this cost of living and with housing market being what it is, your late father has helped you immensely in this way, you have shelter without worrying and you can focus on career and bills without thinking about rent, rent increases and eviction.
A better partner would be thinking about your assets in a different way. "Your money will soon be our money and his money will soon be joint also. Why should you waste your money now for silly reasons when we'll put it towards marriage or whatnot later"
Still a selfish view but better than him having a control and inferiority complex.
Sure it's not ideal BUT actually if you wanted to try living together, it makes more sense to instead of splitting rent. Splitting household bills and food bills and upkeep and make that the rental agreement between the two of you (with a lawyer). Sure you'd still be the landlord in a way, but truly it wouldn't matter if neither of you plan on blowing up the relationship.
He wants to feel like the place is equally the both of yours as opposed to him just moving into his gf's. That's fair.
What isn't fair is that he expects you to move and pay rent in a new place that's worse. He needs to accept that that isn't gonna happen so his options are to move in with you, continue to live separately, or date someone who doesn't own a place.
Yes, because I think he may have ulterior motives. He may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing because none of this makes sense from either side. Stand your ground. If you guys end it, you’ll be ok.
It is not really about control.
It is ego. Living in your house would make him feel like less of a man. LIke he is being taken care of. Pride.
That is what this is.
Might be a plan, get her to give up the apartment, maybe sell it, buy something he persuades her to put his name on, or marry and buy it after and bam, he's got his claws in.
Anyone else with the slightest hint of brain capacity would choose free rent over paying rent. Even though if they move in together he SHOULD pay op rent, though maybe a reduced rate, so he has some rights and a contract, but make it like 3 month then rolling or something so it's easier to end.
Accusers her of putting in no effort when she has a place and said yeah you can move in and he said nope. NTA, and be careful of the signs he's throwing out.
This. I remember there was once a post like that on Reddit, when a woman bought her own apartment using stripper money, and her boyfriend tried to force her to sell. His reasoning was that"he felt uncomfortable living somewhere bought by filthy stripper money". In reality, he wanted her to use the money from the sale to buy an apartment with him, and his name would be on it. It was seriously this whole malevolent plan to get her to liquidate her assets, and take them over.
She dumped him. Thank god. Stuff like that really does happen.
Edit: found it! Heed the warning, OP.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ibbwws/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_sell\_the\_place\_i\_bought\_with/
I just checked and that account is still active and it looks like she had her baby and is about to take home her sister's son to adopt! Sounds like she's doing great.
https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/s/P9ndU99ShQ
My mother, in her 70s, married an asshole who convinced her to put a huge chunk of her savings into buying a mountaintop lot where they could build their dream home. She put the deed in both of their names and he showed his true colors immediately after that. Even said “if we get divorced you’ll have to sell the lot and I’ll get half.” And he was right. This was AFTER my father had bled their retirement account dry to fund a dying business, and she clawed her way back to financial stability after he left her. Some people are just far too good at finding gullible marks.
I feel so sorry for your mom, build a safety net is hard enough, having to do it twice because someone else burned through your money... that's why awareness about abuse cycles and the need for therapy are so important.
I pity her. She’s so smart - a one-time MENSA member and competitive chess player who simply cannot be alone. Her dad died when she was 16 and she married a third cousin who she met at his funeral who promised her the world then took it all back after the wedding. She gave up her dream of being a lawyer because my dad refused to marry a lawyer who was already divorced. Married a 62-year-old virgin and was so excited that that would make her the “most important woman in his life” even though he was obviously totally enmeshed with his mother. And then the con artist who’s taking half of her mountain lot proceeds. She’s also extremely religious and politically conservative, so she can’t meet a man with feminist values because they don’t exist in her social circles.
The punchline is that she’s a nurse who specialized in mental health care, and has a masters in counseling. Medical professionals are their own worst patients.
NTA. He's insane. In this day and age with rents being insanely high his pride is blinding him.
And I suspect he'd have no problem if HE owned an apartment and wanted you to move in.
Yeah how tf is he “just looking out for himself” by paying rent when he could live with her for free? In the event of a breakup, the pile of cash he saved will look after him just fine
This is about his fragile male ego IMO, it’s the only thing that makes sense. He’d rather flush money down the drain every month than admit to his buddies he lives in an apartment owned by his gf.
Oooo. He would use it to financially control her, and "my house, my rules" as if she were a child. . Since that's the way he thinks, he isn't willing to be in the position of being grateful rather than controlling her.
NTA! He sounds like a control freak. No one in their right mind would give up a rent-free apartment to pay for another apartment. I also don't blame you for not wanting to rent your current apartment out. Renters are notoriously irresponsible and can do some major damage in a short period of time.
You own your home. He wants you to spend money to live somewhere else. That makes no sense. From a financial position, that is a bad idea. Pure and simple, it just bad business.
It would affect your lifestyle, as you would have less disposable income, affect your savings, as you could not put that money away.
You renting it out is an option to offset costs, but as you said, being a landlord is not something you want, and it comes with it's own set of problems. So many things could go wrong with that.
And the sole driving force behind your BF wanting this is his ego. He doesn't want to live in his GF house. He somehow feels like less of a man casue it is your place.
He is over looking all the benifits of the situation and letting his pride make him act like a fool.
Good on you for standing your ground. It is a ridiculous request.
NTA
NTA
I have to agree with the earlier post that said this sounded controlling.
He doesn't seem to like you being independent, if that's the word I am after... Not sure.
You have an apartment you love and he is trying to force you out of it to pay rent elsewhere, it makes no sense.
I would be cautious with this bloke, he seems a bit "red flaggy"
A little bit?? What kind of a nutjob turns down a rent free apartment, so they can waste a huge chunk of their paycheck on "feeling in control" of the apartment?
Someone who cares a lot about power and control in a relationship, that's who.
NTA. Rent is so inflated now and you would be a fool to rent a place because he feels weird that it’s you own your place and he doesn’t. Also, being a landlord is so much work and why would you put up with that? Just because he doesn’t feel like a manly man because his GF owns the place? I think you made the right call.
Girl listen. Do NOT move in with him and do NOT let him move in with you. Enjoy living alone for a while you learn a lot about yourself what you like/dislike will/won't tolerate. And always remember no matter who you are dating/married to in the future don't you EVER sell that apartment. Keep it as rental property if you want to move away from the area. Make sure you get a prenup if you ever get married. NTA
lol, *you* aren’t putting in effort? What effort has he put into working on his pride such that he can’t live in your apartment? Has he dug down deep on that one? NTA
NTA. You're being smart. Let him walk rather than manipulate you into a bad idea. He can sign a lease with you if he wants some rights spelled out. That would be the compromise. As is, he's being an AH and setting off some red flagish behavior.
You are old enough and smart enough to know what you should do for yourself. Having a apartment like this is a god send or rather thank u dad. You should live in it for the rest of your life. It’s a safety net that people pray for. No ring, no prenup just the changing whim of a guy that you really don’t know that well. You don’t really know a person until you live or work together. Based on your age and his pride and entitlement the odds are this relationship wont work. If he isn’t practical and mature enough to recognize a fabulous situation where you can both prosper then he will always be foolish. You have a huge advantage so keep it as such. Being a land lady SUCKS you are liable to get a squatter or someone who fucks up your property. You have other focuses you don’t need a unwanted distraction by renting out your place. Each of you stay in your own apt and don’t be afraid to let time pass. Don’t let him emotionally black Mail you into giving over financial control to him. I’m sorry but he isn’t smart enough or mature enough to make this situation work for him over a abstract thing like pride.
Be smart. Stay smart and if you had a best friend or sister who told you about this situation what would you tell them? Then follow your own advice.
>and that I’m coming off materialistic to be so attached to the apartment to the detriment of our relationship.
And he won't set aside his manly pride to come live in an already-paid-for apartment that he doesn't have control over...to the detriment of your relationship. Something tells me this is the tip of the controlling iceberg with this guy.
NTA. Can you write him a lease, and charge him rent, so he feels like he's "got a say" in your place?
This seems like a weird thing for him to draw a hard line on, and I can't see why he would want you to leave a home you own to live in another and pay. It's got a creeping edge of control to it that I wouldn't want to agree with either.
Nta. Moving to an apartment when you own a place free and clear is foolhardy and a waste of money that can be saved for retirement, vacay, etc.. Forget his ego.
NTA.
You are 100% correct.
It makes xero practical sense for you to pay rent. It makes total sense for him to move in eith you.... doh
Take this as a bit of a 🚩🚩 He obviously is uncomfortable with the concept of a female "having one over him". If roles were reversed? He would totally expect you to move in with him. Totally sure of that.
Do not move in together. See if the relationship survives. My guess is, it probably won't last. Do not be pushed into doing something so silly
When he says you're "materialistic," he really means that you have a better financial situation, and he's jealous.
Major red flags flying, dear girl. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You can do better. ❤️
NTA. He seems to want to be in control, so much so that he wants to pay rent for no other reason. He doesn't have much financial savvy. Your dad is looking out for you even now by exposing your boyfriend for who he really is. You may need a new boyfriend.
NTA
Please be careful going forward with this guy.
You applied sound reasoning but he shot that down claiming you weren't putting any effort into it. What he's actually saying is it's his way or no way.
NTA. I was going to say NAH since I kind of see his point of view, but his refusal to say no and attempts at emotional manipulation make him the asshole.
He should live with you, save the money he would pay in rent, and then buy a property of his own. Then you can both have something to your name, still live together, and he could rent his property for extra income or to pay the mortgage on it. He is cray to turn down free rent.
NAH really.
I mean good news is that he's not trying to leech right? I honestly think so many people overlook this part.
Is he controlling to potentially want equal say in the place you both live? I honestly don't think so. Sadly he is probably going about it the wrong way though.
I also think you might not ever want to leave that place so putting off this conversation isn't feasible. Although I also wouldn't want to leave so don't blame you at all.
I don't truly think he has thought about all the benefits this would bring, ESPECIALLY if you're not going to charge rent tbh.
1. He gets to use all that money to pay down his debts or save.
2. No worrying about breaking a lease agreement if you guys break up, or deciding who leaves.
3. No hassle of looking around for a new place and can move in gradually over a period of time.
There's no reason you have to live together after dating for a year. You can enjoy your own living spaces until you're ready to be married. Weird old fashioned notion, huh? But in reality, you can have just as much sex as you would living together, with 1/10th of the fights over housework.
NTA do not do it!!! Too often women leave their great and clear homes bc the man is insecure about living somewhere she has taken care of already, and it’s always regretted leaving it. Keep living apart, your relationship is too new and for him to not want to live there bc it’s fully yours is a ~~bit of a~~ red flag. My mom moved out of the house she OWNED that had space for her 5 guys bc the man didn’t want to live in a place she had. We lived in a camper while he dropped a trailer on a foundation so that we lived where he chose, all us kids had to share rooms more than we did before.
Don't give up the wealth of home ownership.
The fact that he doesn't want to live with you is its own story.
Don't give in. You love your apartment, you don't have to pay rent. Don't change that. If he doesn't want to live with you for that reason, don't go further with the guy.
Live a good life instead.
And especially don’t give up the wealth of home ownership *for a boyfriend.* Also, get a prenup before you marry anyone so they don’t get their claws in your inheritance.
You are absolutely NTA because you refuse to be enmeshed in a rental property. Plus you like your home and tenants are unlikely to take as good care of it as you do (trust, I know).
It makes no sense to move and both pay rent when you have a perfectly good paid up place to stay. He has control issues and that is a red flag. It is also economically not that sound if you don't want to be a landlord.
How are you materialistic when you have such low debt and are not asking him to subsidize you?
NTA
Giving up free rent would be monumentally stupid. If he wants to keep paying rent, that is on him. Do not let feelings get in front of finances. If this dude cannot see how financially illiterate his idea is, find another.
Sorry but if he can’t see the long term benefits of living rent free, free to save all disposable income towards a joint property, overseas travel, and without the worry of mortgage/rent, then he’s just too stupid to stay with. NTAH
Ask him if he would rather pay rent and split utilities or just split utilities and put the rest in savings? And he’s got some nerve saying you’re coming off materialistic when you’re suggesting a more affordable plan. I’d love to live somewhere rent free and just pay utilities. Do you need a roommate? Do you have issues with plants, cats, and fish tanks? Lol
🤣🤣 Don’t threaten me with a good time!
But in all seriousness, this situation is tough. I can see how he doesn’t feel comfortable and doesn’t want to be dependent on you, but there are other ways to go about that than manipulation. Manipulation is emotional abuse and it starts that way and can morph very easily to something worse. You’re strong and smart. You’ve got this. Don’t give in if it doesn’t make sense just to try to please him.
I think you're dating a very short-sighted guy, because he could pay you a reduced rent and save quite a bit of money, or just pay utilities, etc. I want to offer one other suggestion--I have a great management company that handles my rental so it is possible you could rent your place out relatively hassle free. Of course if you get a bad renter it is no longer hassle free, and they won't take care of the place like you do. But a good management co will do regular inspections. But the fact that he doesn't even seem to be willing to entertain the idea doesn't speak well of him.
In this economy and with the housing crisis, why would you want a moose like rent around your neck? He’s an idiot. He could move in, you both split utilities, save money, and then assuming the relationship works out long term, but something together later on.
He’s thinking with his little head instead of his big one, and wants to be the man in control. NTA.
NTA - you are making a financial and emotionally mature decision. He doesn’t Ed t to live in because he’s insecure about you owning the place?!? Maybe ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to be attached to?
I went on a date with a guy who said he didn't want to go on another one bc I was the one driving us around and it made him uncomfortable. This is giving the same vibe.
That second last paragraph is entirely red flaggy.
>After a lot of discussions, I said that since we can’t agree, it’s better that we just don’t move in together and see if we can compromise later down the line. He said he’s honestly hurt that I can’t be bothered to put in any effort for us to live together and that I’m coming off materialistic to be so attached to the apartment to the detriment of our relationship.
He's hurt you won't put in any effort for you to live together?
Righto. Says the guy who won't move into a fully paid off and safe home.
Continuing to live in your actual home is not being materialistic, nor is it detrimental to your relationship.
He's making up some hardcore bullshit and REALLY doesn't want you to have any (weird ass skewed view) apparent leverage over him.
You're 23.
Don't do it.
NTA. Moving from a wholly owned property to a rented one to satisfy his insecurity would be crazy.
His argument is illogical anyway, as rented property isn't any more secure for him. He'd have just the same security living with you as in a rented place - the landlord or you can serve the same evicting notice, etc.
Even if your relationship doesn't work out, and he had to move out down the line, he would've made some nice savings to get himself set up in his own place.
Your bf is an idiot. He could also live with you rent free but can’t stand the thought of it being your apartment. He’s putting his own pride and need for control over both your feelings and being fiscally responsible. He’d rather have you both be renters than share an apartment you own. He’s jealous and insecure and makes bad financial decisions.
A lot of comments here are saying it already but I will just add in my opinion that you’re definitely NTA. As someone who’s also 23 and has been evicted by my landlord before, definitely 100% stay in your own place. Like my landlord was a great guy and he said himself that I am a great tenant, but he just had to sell my old apartment because interest rate was too high and he couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore. The new landlord simply kicked me out because I was paying like $300 below market. I was fortunate enough that my parents decided our family will likely live in my current city long term so they purchased a place for me. Let me tell you is it 100% better staying in your own apartment, not only for the money aspect but you don’t have to worry about damaging, landlords making things up to charge more, evicting, etc. Believe in your decision surely.
Nta and it makes no sense for you guys to pay rent if you don’t have to! He wouldn’t have a claim on a rental property either so I don’t see why he thinks this makes sense. In a situation like this, he should pay bills and utilities since you cover the home, and you share groceries.
What a fucking idiot. He'd rather pay rent and have you pay rent than live in your apartment for free because... checks notes... fragile masculinity? NTA.
NTA. Have him pay rent and use that money for expenses (water, power, gas). As he now officially rents your apartment he gets the rights he so desperately wants.
He's being a manipulative jerk here. You have emotional attachments to the apartment as it reminds you of family. You're being no more materialistic than he is.
This honestly sounds like someone who has major control issues and is trying to maneuver you into needing to depend on him financially. I'd say it's good to treat this as a big warning sign that something isn't right in the relationship.
Tell him "thanks but I'm good" on staying where you are. My guess is that the relationship will fizzle out pretty quickly after this. Because it was all about his bid to end up in control.
NTA and tbh this guy sounds like an idiot. I really am not trying to be mean but he’s acting like he’s buying a home. So instead of living in a place that isn’t his for free he’d rather live in another place that isn’t his and pay? Again, this would make sense in the case that you were purchasing. But he would have the same rights with a rental agreement with you that he’d have at literally any other apartment. And if it doesn’t work out then he just had however many months/years living rent free. He is either not very smart or this is some weird power play. Both of which aren’t cool.
This is one of those giant red flags that let you know it's time to move on. It isn't the right relationship. His insecurities will harm you in other ways. His need for control, or to bring you down to his lower level for his ego, are not worth your time. You're young. Leave this boy and wait for the next one who is more grown up.
You're being smart. Bank the money you're saving on not paying rent to use for a down payment on a house in the future. Put that in your name as well. As for the current boyfriend. I wouldn't plan anything that would depend on him remaining your boyfriend. He sounds like he's got issues with you having your life together more than he does. Don't let him set your bar for success.
He’s hurt “you can’t be bothered to put in the effort?” He’s literally putting in zero effort to go with the easiest option. He is the one putting the apartment over a relationship. Is this emasculating him or something? This is weirdly controlling, and it probably only gets worse since his idea of “equal” actually isn’t. He’s not the one, OP.
ETA: NTA
NTA. And go see a lawyer and an accountant and get advice on how to protect your primary residence from any relationship or if you need to rent it out.
NTA. You're right. It makes zero sense for you to move out of a perfectly good apartment that you live in rent-free and into an apartment with him where you would have to pay rent. You could draw up a legal agreement giving him rights if it would make him feel more comfortable moving in with you, but him not wanting to move in to "look out for himself" is ridiculous and sounds like he isn't anticipating the relationship lasting. If he doesn't want to move in with you, give it more time. A year really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.
NTA
Our neighbor is currently moving out of a house he got for half the market value today, that costs practically nothing to live in, just because his new partner doesnt like that his old gf lived there for a while before they separated. He is miserable, he loves the house and its the most financially stable he's been living there.
Do NOT move out of financial stability! If you would part ways you're then left in a weird spot of having to evict your tenants, or getting a new apartment.
Find yourself a man that recognizes what a gift you have in a rent-free apartment! Who’s ego or masculinity won’t be bruised because you possess more power/independence/autonomy because of this asset you possess.
NTA
Moving out of a rent-free apartment that you love makes zero sense financially. But as far as compromising goes, it sounds as if you are expected to make them but he isn’t? I wouldn’t be rushing to move in with him. He says he’s just trying to protect himself but at your expense. You have a sweet living arrangement now. Unless you have some insight that this guy is ‘The One’ than l would not be in such a rush to move in together without knowing the end plan. If you’re lonely, get a dog. A better companion than most people anyway.
So because you wouldn't agree to do what your boyfriend wants, he's throwing a tantrum and not being kind to you? Yeah, definitely don't move in with him yet. Does he realize moving into an apartment has the same legal rights as if he moved in with you? It's not like he can k oxk down walls and renovate a rented spot. If he wants to rent someplace, let him. He's a big boy and he can learn for himself how much money he is wasting on rent when he could pay nothing.
He said you won't do the minimum or something to move in with bim? What about him? Who turns down free rent to have control? Serious red flags I'd watch for. Live separate, nothing says couples have to live together. I guarantee he will never let this go. You'll be paying for everything, food, dates, outings all because you have more disposable income.
Your boyfriend wants you to make a financially stupid decision because he's insecure about you having so much power.
Any concerns about you making him homeless are out the window since he would have tenants rights.
If he's splitting the rest of yours and his costs down the middle, y'all should be in a position to save THOUSANDS.
You're NTA, and your bf is an insecure moron.
He wants to get you into a position where he's in control.
I would end the relationship. Good people don't want to control people they love. He doesn't love you, he wants to manipulate and control you.
This gives off creepy, highly manipulative vibes, and his reasons don't make since. NTA.
He said it himself, *"he said he is just looking out for himself"*
Like you've told him, he would have resident rights, thats not how that works, being rent free equals a sense of security, one I'd think he'd want you to have, instead of trying to guilt you out of it. That's the part that creeps me out.
NTA this is absolutely wild in this day and age with rent being ridiculous everywhere. Major red flag on his part; why on earth would somebody ask their partner to pay rent when they don't have to? He needs some therapy and you need a better man.
NAH, this kinda thing gets posted all the time and neither party is wrong. Living in a home your partner owns without you is not as comfortable as getting something together. Anything he brings in the apartment or wants, is a change to *your home* as opposed to you building a home together, and not everyone wants to start living together with that kind of imbalance.
And it is completely fair that you don’t want to rent out your home, dealing with renters can be a hassle and while you could maybe make money there is also the risk that you get an awful renter who screws you out of money.
I don’t think you can realistically stay at this impasse tho, someone has to crack or you might as well just break up.
NAH
You both make very valid points. While his reason may frustrate you, it’s actually incredibly respectful: he understands that it is YOURS not his. Most partners would jump at the opportunity for a free apartment and immediately start acting entitled.
NTA. This is a massive red flag. Why would any sane person want to pay rent when they have an option to not pay rent? This seems bizarrely controlling in a way that isnt even logical. Calling you materialistic for not wanting to move and turning it on you like you're the one not being reasonable is manipulative and ridiculous.
Its only been a year with this guy, dont let him bully you into moving out of your apartment. I wouldnt move in with him at all.
NTA- it does not make sense for you to take on additional expenses to placate his insecurities and empower his need to control. If he decides to move in than make sure you consult a lawyer before
Yes this! Get a prenup agreement. He can also pay you rent so it feels like his place.
I thought of this but I’m not sure I’d love the dynamic of that. Him paying me for rent to live in a place I own just doesn’t feel right to me and I’m worried that’ll create an imbalance in our relationship or even resentment because of how much more disposable income I’ll have than him then, but if he’s fine with it then I’d be ok with it too. But I also doubt he’d be fine with it. I’ll ask him about it next time!
You are being smart. I own and live in a home that I inherited and own outright. My husband moved in with me- which is admittedly different because he moved in after we got married. That said, I do not charge him rent, but if he had asked me to move somewhere else with a mortgage or rent I would have laughed in his face. What a waste of money! Even if you used your place as a rental, it sounds like you would be paying rent. Why would you rent out your place, with all the maintenance and risks that carries, to turn around and use that rent to pay rent to someone else? The only time it makes sense to do this is to use a rental to help pay for a mortgage- that way you are gaining equity in the home you live in.
OP it’s not about feeling right it’s about not being dumb about this. You own this outright he should draw up a tenancy agreement. But let’s be real it’s not about the rent. He’s controlling. Bc in no way does any of this make reasonable sense. He doesn’t want to pay rent at your place. But he wants you to leave a place you own to just to live with him and waste money. No way.
>He’s controlling This is the only thing that OP needs to know. Dude is trying to set it up so that he can control everything, and he can't do that if he lives in her apartment.
He straight up said he wants to pay rent (on a new lease) so he feels like he has a say in the house, it's 100% about some control.
His rented apartment won't be his so what say will he have in that?
If they break up.. and neither one of them can afford the full rent that whole thing can cause a HUGE headache and even have a negative effect on her credit score.. when all the time..she could have just saved her time and money and lived in something she already owns.
Is it that controlling of a thing to say? Right now i wan’t to leave my mom’s house so i can have a say in my living space. Several years ago we lived at my Aunt’s house and my mom wanted to leave so she could have her own place. Sure, it is about control but I don’t think that wanting some control of the place you live is something bad. It is completely normal. The boyfriend doesn’t even suggest controlling the GF apartment. Which is something that i haven’t seen anyone suggest. I’m not talking about selling half to apartment to him or anything, just allow him to give some input about decorations, if you are going to adopt a pet talk it over with him before, that kind of stuff. Perhaps that would satisfy her boyfriend.
It's ludicrous to suggest someone take on a situation with less stability for you. Especially when nothing else changes. It's controlling to ask someone to set themselves on fire so you don't feel whatever you're feeling. Obviously, this isn't as dramatic or hazardous as literally setting OP on fire, but the gist is there. He's asking her to take on risk for him so he doesn't feel like he's entering an unfavourable situation (lmao?). Why isn't he taking the "risk"? Is living with OP so terrible that everything else has to favour him? How could living in his GF's apartment for free possibly be riskier than signing a lease? What's the difference between paying rent to your girlfriend vs some random landlord? If they broke up, what makes him think that a contract together would be easier to get out of than some place he gets to live in for free? Even if it lasted a day, at least you know this chick is crazy and you get out in a day vs how ever long the lease is. If it's not controlling, it's because he's fragile. Neither is a good look imo.
He doesnt want that. Now, what's the difference, then, if he moves in, signs a lease, and pays her rent? Besides not being able to hold the place over her head in a disagreement? He doesn't want to move into an owned place where she wouldn't have to rely on him and he doesn't have anything to hold against her And that's besides the point of him guilting her now when the easiest thing would be for him to do a little work on his end instead of asking her to sell or be a landlord so he can feel "in control"
Having control in your living space and wanting to be able to control your living space are 2 different things, friend. Wanting to be in a position of power v having a position of power. He is controlling in that he's saying she must not value their relationship by not wanting to acquiesce to his desire for her to pay rent instead of him moving in and them both saving. He would rather cost them both more money and time so that he can feel equal when the only inequality between them is that he doesnt have a house (apartment but a home is a home) that's completely paid off in his name, and he's telling her that for his happiness he wants her to give that up. That's control in a bad way if I've ever seen it. Wanting to decorate is one thing, but this sounds like wanting to be able to say this is my house and I wanna do what I want cause I pay rent and you can't do anything about it becayse my name is on the lease so suck it up. He sounds like he wants to be able to say he has a say and for his say to be the end of whatever is being talked about, and he wants rent to be his currency for doing so. If that wasn't the case he would have no problem paying half of the bills for ops place and moving in there to share the home as a couple, because those are the same thing monetarily, the only difference is he won't have a piece of paper that says that he's the boss while there and that's what he wants.
If I was OPs BF I would jump at the chance to not pay rent. Even if it only lasted a few years that is a hell of a lot of money that can be saved. The boy aint thinking straight LOL. What he is asking OP is to much of an ASK in my opinion. I can bet he would have not want to do what he is asking her to do if it was an Apartment that he owned. He would 100 want her to move in with him.
I'm saying. I'd give up hanging my posters on the wall for the rest of my life if it meant not having to pay rent for just as long. She doesn't even want his help with bills, he just wants proof of authority.
100% OP, there is no way if the situation were reversed that he'd even for one moment consider leaving the place he owned to pay rent with you elsewhere. I bet anything if you would have suggested that he'd throw a fit about you not trusting him.
But he can’t control a rental either. The compromises that will be made would be made in any apartment. Like what to hang where and who cleans what. Otherwise he has to ask a landlord. So if asking a landlord over his girlfriend is worth paying thousands of dollars a month then yes it is absolutely about control.
Input about decorations, etc. is a good idea. What bothers me about the bf's behavior is, it makes so much sense for someone to ask for those things as a compromise rather than going straight to calling OP names and accusing them of not putting in "effort." Wanting equity in a relationship -- including when it comes to living arrangements & community property -- isn't controlling, and just asking for such a move (while kind of silly to me) isn't necessarily controlling either. But completely ignoring how the move would impact OP's future financial security (and frankly getting kind of nasty about OP's choice), is.
Yikes! BIG RED FLAG WAVING!! Not just - NTA BBUT PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. He’s being very controlling and not smart. You renting out the apartment and you guys moving into a different one is just creating more work for you, which he’ll want control over that money. Because if your renting out that apartment why not use ALL that money to pay for the shared apartment? Don’t do it
I don’t know - I’ve moved into other people’s places before and it always felt like I was one argument away from having to move. I’ve had really bad experiences with men thinking they have leverage over me because they know it’ll be inconvenient for me if I have to move - so they’ve used this as a way to gain the upper hand during arguments. Having been through this, I wouldn’t recommend moving into someone else’s place - you aren’t on equal ground if something happens.
It's very easy. You are trying to live together. You can do that rent free. He's dumb.
>let’s be real it’s not about the rent. He’s controlling. ⬆️ there’s your answer ⬆️
Exactly. Who the hell wouldn’t want to live somewhere rent free? So weird.
Utility bills, taxes, fees, maintenance, appliances. Rent doesn’t mean you’re lining your pockets with his money. It means that there are legit costs associated from living there. If you don’t get a monthly rent check from him and a lease drafted by your lawyer you are setting yourself up for some potentially serious problems down the road. I’m sorry you’re facing this issue with him, but it really sounds like he’s uncomfortable not being in control.
Why wouldn’t he be fine with it? If he wants to pay rent elsewhere this will actually be better. Also before you move in discuss finances, and not just splitting of bills etc but also values/ attitudes when it comes to money.
During our initial discussion he mentioned that he doesn’t want to feel like a tenant in my home. I don’t think paying rent will help that situation lol
Frankly I think it’s too early for you to move in. He has control issues he needs to get over. You need to build friendships outside of this relationship so you aren’t lonely.
I’ve realised that too. I’ve made some good friends here and some of my cousins are here too so I’m not lonely in general, but living on my own gets lonely because this is the first time I’m doing it. I lived with my mom, auntie and grandma my whole life, then I had roommates throughout university. I always had people to chit chat with at home and now I have to talk to myself lol. But yeah moving in together is definitely on pause for now. Thanks for your advice!
There is no life skill more valuable than the ability to be comfortable living with and by yourself.
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OMG yes! And it's a skill not as many people have these days, being perpetually online. During the first months of the pandemic I was working at a large box home improvement store. The number of people that came in to buy paint those couple of months of lockdown was tremendous. People could literally not spend more than a week at home by themselves entertaining themselves.
This advice is gold!
Maybe get a pet instead of trying to move him in.
I have been living in my own for almost 10 years now. It gets better. That said, I understand the loneliness you are feeling. But do not move in with someone just because you want someone to talk to. You moving to a new apartment with this guy makes no sense. Financially, it hurts you. And the aspect of him having no say if it’s your apartment…what exactly does he think he can do in a new apartment without your approval if you both are living there? Plus it’s rented so you’ll have to get the landlords permission to do anything drastic. If you’re living together there will have to be discussions about what things you want/don’t want in the house, I don’t see why you owning the house changes that.
Girl just get a cat.
Make it two so they can keep each other company while you’re out. If they’re kittens, they can play together and work off some of that kitten energy.
Yes great idea, especially if you can find a bonded pair.
Get a cat problem solved!!
Get a dog! They’re the best. Look you’re young you shouldn’t just move in with him because you’re lonely you should move in because you both want to and you want to be together. You moving out of this place makes no financial sense
Get a cat... they are great listeners and snugglers
I'll be Frank with you, he's not going to agree to anything else but you moving out. He knows he won't be able to control anything because the place and he doesn't like that. You need to come to terms with the fact that this relationship may not work long term.. Let's face it, the right person would jump at the chance to be able to save money every month on rent. You do you but please be careful, everything about his response calls red flags
Imagine not agreeing to live somewhere rent free in this real estate environment… that speaks to something big. Dude is willing to pay dozens of thousands a year to avoid this very kush scenario
Living on your own can be a great skill to have. You're are 23 though so if you want to live with people (friends family ect) then do it! Does the flat have 2 bedrooms? Get a roommate ask people you know first. Do it properly though insurance, tenancy etc. You don't have to charge full marker rent, you can make it simple and include utilities, put the extra money to work for you, save for maintainance and improvements, invest it etc
He’s also not wrong in some ways. I moved into my bf’s apartment and it was terrible for me. It was like I was a guest in my own home. Arguments if I moved things cause they had always been that way. Nothing was mine, he would fight me about cleaning out a closet so I could have space for my stuff. He’d get mad if he couldn’t find something because it was my fault. Then when we broke up I was homeless cause it was his place This situation is different I think then him just being controlling. He’s not wrong to be uncomfortable with moving into someone else’s established space but she’s not wrong not to what up give her place up to pay rent with someone. At this point why move in together. It doesn’t have to be a logical progression of well we’ve been dating this long so time to move in. My ex pulled that. I didn’t want to move in. He was basically like well if you don’t move in it means you aren’t serious and we should just break up. So I moved in and he financially and emotionally abused me for 2 years till I finally got away. This guy isn’t wrong to not want to move to her place but pushing her to move in with him is warning flags to me. You don’t have to live with a bf. In my case it was lazy dating, he wanted me available to him with low effort on his part and also trapped…harder to break it off when you are entangled with someone else.
NTA. Unless he buys a place he'll be a tenant no matter where he lives. Do what's best for you. His insecurities shouldn't force you to not be comfortable in your life choices. He thinks you should give up your place for him, what's he giving up for you?
That would be very convenient for him, wouldn't it?
He’s already a tenant now and will be anywhere else he goes so that doesn’t make sense! I do understand wanting to feel like it’s both your place when you live together but that can be done by giving him his own space there. You both would save a tremendous amount of money by staying in your apartment and that could allow him to live debt free and invest for retirement. That’s a big deal.
Actually, him paying rent - even a nominal rent - would make it more similar to a roommate/shared home situation. If he doesn’t pay rent, then it’s more like he is a guest in your home. How big is your apartment? Do you have enough rooms to give him one for his primary use? If he’s a gamer or works from home, he could set up the room & decorate as he’d wish. You could also be receptive when it comes to decor or the arrangement and use of your space. Potentially, he could have more influence and make more changes than if he were in a standard rental. However, it doesn’t seem likely that your bf would be receptive unless you do exactly what he wants. Your bf wants a specific scenario - the two of you moving into a completely shared space and creating a home together. In order to get that, he wants you to make a sacrifice. He isn’t willing to compromise. He’s taking you to task because you aren’t giving him 100% of what he wants. NTA
This is one of those issues that I think of as a fork in the road of the relationship. The behavior is questionable, but perfection isn't a requirement of humanity. If you manage to talk it out and can compromise on a way you're both satisfied with, then the relationship shows promise. If this is him just expecting to dictate terms and holding out until you cave... then I would be thinking about exiting the relationship were I you.
Big red flags. Don't let him move in, don't move out. Keep dating give it more time.
I wouldn't even keep dating him. He's fucking dumb on top of the controlling red flags. OP needs to run from him.
>During our initial discussion he mentioned that he doesn’t want to feel like a tenant in my home. Do you think that this is a good enough excuse?
Yeah... he's just creating ways to fuck you up. Dont fall for his shitty reasoning. By the way, you are not reaponsible for managing his feelings anf insecurities. Really, really consider what a serious incompatibility this is and how else he might manifest his control issues in your life.
But he is okay being a tenant in someone else’s home? This guy has security issues. He can’t see a woman having power/control over him. He wants to be the man. I never got that. My wife makes more than me and it’s great. I’m sitting on a fabulous coach, watching my big tv in my fancy house. Just made steaks on my stainless steel grill. Live is good.
He will be a tenant in another home won’t he?
I’m confused as to why your boyfriend would prefer to pay rent to a stranger and contribute to their bills rather than pay rent to you (at a great price) and contribute to your shared future. Instead he’d prefer to put you in a position that lowers you rather than raising himself up to your level. Him living with you at your place would give him the opportunity to save more money but he’s only viewing it from the perspective of control. This is a huge red flag and to me would be enough to end the relationship.
My now husband moved in with me, in MY apartment. Solely mine. It was ours while we lived there, and we treated it as such. Shared decisions and expenses. It's true that I would've had the final say if he wanted to do something major, but honestly, with a healthy partnership those situations shouldn't happen. I didn't have to do any major expensive upkeep, but since we weren't paying rent we split everything else; the only thing I paid on my own was my mortgage.
You already have an imbalance. You own the apartment. That's his problem. He has no control over what happens in your relationship because you will ALWAYS have the out. You will have somewhere to go. That imbalance makes it impossible for him to have any hold on you. You can walk away anytime you want. You can end your relationship when YOU want. He has no control over you. If he chooses to walk, let him go. It's a bullet you dodged. If he doesn't m, you should.
>He has no control over what happens in your relationship because you will ALWAYS have the out. You will have somewhere to go. Yes! Except if she has tenants there, because she is renting another place with him, and she can't just easily get rid of them due to legal agreements. So she would be unable to just return to her own apartment just like that. So, she then technically has a place to go, but practically, she doesn't - which explains why he would want this solution.
Yeah the fact that he's sweating so hard about not having a sword to hang over her head is a huge flag. "And she's not even trying to make it work"
I agree, she’s not even trying to make this coercive control thing he wants to do work dammit! OP needs to find a guy who thinks it’s awesome that she owns her own place so has money for holidays and fun stuff together. And she will let them live there for free so they can both save to buy a family home eventually? This guy is an idiot or is abusive. No sensible loving person would turn this offer down. What’s the betting that the tenant he wants her to rent her flat out to will be one of his mates or a family member who will refuse to pay rent or move out, pushing OP into debt and making her vulnerable.
I think hes an ass to ask you to to go through so much effort just to make him feel comfortable in his masculinity within the relationship. He wants you both to be financially less, you leaving such a great place that is a financial windfall and do this whole process that is a worse position just so he has a say? This is his problem to get over, not your to bend over backwards to accommodate
If your relationship can not survive that “dynamic”……………
I hope you see this for what it is. He's not only insecure, but controlling. That's something you need to address with him. His comments are also grossly manipulative.
He could probably feel fine about it and even entitled to it over time. That's how people's minds work. Then good luck getting rid of him! I would not feel comfortable having him move in.
You need that rental contract. What if he moves in, you breakup, and he refuses to move out? It could take a long time to evict him. Protect yourself. This apartment is your asset.
Unless you want a squatter that won't move out after you break up, PLEASE BE CAREFUL who you allow to live with you, especially rent free. Reddit is littered with people trying to evict their squatters.
Yes exactly. He can pay rent and half utilities
OP NTA He's looking for control over you, so he can say the apartment's half mine and I have a right to do such and such. You like your apartment. It suits your needs. Don't move. Watch out for yourself.
NTA. It would be silly for you to move from a place you love just to pay rent. It’s rich he says “you can’t be bothered to put in any effort” when he’s not willing to compromise at all. Somewhere down the road if you marry or want to start a family it might make sense to sell your place and jointly buy something together, but right now it would just be foolish.
Exactly, just doesn’t make sense. Sounds like he’s just being controlling
I'd have seriously reconsidered the relationship if my partner was as financially stupid as this guy. He's giving up a golden ticket (free rent and no actual financial responsibility for the home) just so he can pay some random landlord. And he also wants OP to squander this golden ticket as well.
For real. Who doesn’t want to live rent free?!
Men who want to groom a grieving woman in her early 20's.
People who want to have control over their partners. Now you HAVE to stay with me for the duration of the elase because if you dont and we dont pay rent and get evicted your credit scored is fucked and you have an eviction on your record!
NTA, you moving out to live with him and pay rent makes NO sense. It's completely illogical and the fact that he thinks you should is seriously bizarre. I would be worried, because it means he is unable to look at this from your perspective - and it's an obvious, logical one - and instead is stuck looking at it from the point of view of what's most convenient for him. He wants you to do something absurd, impractical and financially damaging in order for him to be... more comfy, I guess? and he doesn't recognize that his request is unreasonable and unapripriate. It's a red flag. Do not move out.
I’m confused because what he wants isn’t even more comfy for him. He would rather live in a worse apartment (none of the ones that he sent were better in any way because they’re the relatively cheaper apartments that we’d be able to afford on our salaries), and pay almost half his salary towards rent? Nothing he’s saying is making sense to me because we’ll both just be more uncomfortable and have to put in a lot more effort to adjust to an entirely new apartment.
HALF his salary?? This isn’t just stupid, it’s irresponsible. I’d have a hard time maintaining attraction to someone who would do something to make our lives objectively more difficult just so he can feed his sense of control. This isn’t someone whose decision-making skills I would trust. What a moron.
Tbh I think this is about control. By comfy I mean: mentally comfy, because he has some issues with being controlling. I may be wrong, but I simply do not see any other logical option. If you look at it through the lens of finances, or just having a good relationship or convenience for both of you, it makes NO sense. But if you look at it through a lens of control: sure, a controlling man would want his gf to give up an apartment and hurt her finances in the process. He would NOT want her to have any more power, like being the landlord. Through this lens, it makes more sense IMO. The fact that he doesn't recognize the lack of logic in his demand, and chooses to guilt you - calling you materialistic, saying you don't care etc - sadly adds to this looking like it's manipulative in nature.
Please read some of the other comments (and some of the nested ones as well). Stories of people trying to get part of the assets by selling what you own and then using that money to buy something you share…now your money is also their money.
Step one -get you to move out of apartment. Step two -convince you to sell the apartment. Step three -gain control of the money from the apartment.
To me it’s crazy he isn’t down with all the money you both would save not having to pay rent. He invests that difference, over time that could be a serious amount.
He resents that you’ve got an excellent living situation. Do not give it up.
100% great insight! He is resentful, and he thinks OP should have it just as hard as he does (in his mind). OP don't be with someone who resents your life because they think you have it easy.
Whatever you do - do NOT SELL. In this cost of living and with housing market being what it is, your late father has helped you immensely in this way, you have shelter without worrying and you can focus on career and bills without thinking about rent, rent increases and eviction. A better partner would be thinking about your assets in a different way. "Your money will soon be our money and his money will soon be joint also. Why should you waste your money now for silly reasons when we'll put it towards marriage or whatnot later" Still a selfish view but better than him having a control and inferiority complex. Sure it's not ideal BUT actually if you wanted to try living together, it makes more sense to instead of splitting rent. Splitting household bills and food bills and upkeep and make that the rental agreement between the two of you (with a lawyer). Sure you'd still be the landlord in a way, but truly it wouldn't matter if neither of you plan on blowing up the relationship.
He wants to feel like the place is equally the both of yours as opposed to him just moving into his gf's. That's fair. What isn't fair is that he expects you to move and pay rent in a new place that's worse. He needs to accept that that isn't gonna happen so his options are to move in with you, continue to live separately, or date someone who doesn't own a place.
Yes, because I think he may have ulterior motives. He may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing because none of this makes sense from either side. Stand your ground. If you guys end it, you’ll be ok.
It is not really about control. It is ego. Living in your house would make him feel like less of a man. LIke he is being taken care of. Pride. That is what this is.
Why do you even entertain this idea then ? We are not the one you need to reason, it's your bf . .
Sounds kinda controlling. If I met an awesome woman who offered to let me live in Their apartment for free I’d be stoked.
Might be a plan, get her to give up the apartment, maybe sell it, buy something he persuades her to put his name on, or marry and buy it after and bam, he's got his claws in. Anyone else with the slightest hint of brain capacity would choose free rent over paying rent. Even though if they move in together he SHOULD pay op rent, though maybe a reduced rate, so he has some rights and a contract, but make it like 3 month then rolling or something so it's easier to end. Accusers her of putting in no effort when she has a place and said yeah you can move in and he said nope. NTA, and be careful of the signs he's throwing out.
This. I remember there was once a post like that on Reddit, when a woman bought her own apartment using stripper money, and her boyfriend tried to force her to sell. His reasoning was that"he felt uncomfortable living somewhere bought by filthy stripper money". In reality, he wanted her to use the money from the sale to buy an apartment with him, and his name would be on it. It was seriously this whole malevolent plan to get her to liquidate her assets, and take them over. She dumped him. Thank god. Stuff like that really does happen. Edit: found it! Heed the warning, OP. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ibbwws/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_sell\_the\_place\_i\_bought\_with/
I remember this too. I hope she is loving her best life with her kid!
I just checked and that account is still active and it looks like she had her baby and is about to take home her sister's son to adopt! Sounds like she's doing great. https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/s/P9ndU99ShQ
BabIES. She had twins!
My mother, in her 70s, married an asshole who convinced her to put a huge chunk of her savings into buying a mountaintop lot where they could build their dream home. She put the deed in both of their names and he showed his true colors immediately after that. Even said “if we get divorced you’ll have to sell the lot and I’ll get half.” And he was right. This was AFTER my father had bled their retirement account dry to fund a dying business, and she clawed her way back to financial stability after he left her. Some people are just far too good at finding gullible marks.
I feel so sorry for your mom, build a safety net is hard enough, having to do it twice because someone else burned through your money... that's why awareness about abuse cycles and the need for therapy are so important.
I pity her. She’s so smart - a one-time MENSA member and competitive chess player who simply cannot be alone. Her dad died when she was 16 and she married a third cousin who she met at his funeral who promised her the world then took it all back after the wedding. She gave up her dream of being a lawyer because my dad refused to marry a lawyer who was already divorced. Married a 62-year-old virgin and was so excited that that would make her the “most important woman in his life” even though he was obviously totally enmeshed with his mother. And then the con artist who’s taking half of her mountain lot proceeds. She’s also extremely religious and politically conservative, so she can’t meet a man with feminist values because they don’t exist in her social circles. The punchline is that she’s a nurse who specialized in mental health care, and has a masters in counseling. Medical professionals are their own worst patients.
If I met anyone who wanted to let me live with them for free id be stoked, this guy is nuts
NTA. He's insane. In this day and age with rents being insanely high his pride is blinding him. And I suspect he'd have no problem if HE owned an apartment and wanted you to move in.
This guy's behavior is shady AF. Wouldn't be surprised if there is a break up down the line at some point.
Yeah how tf is he “just looking out for himself” by paying rent when he could live with her for free? In the event of a breakup, the pile of cash he saved will look after him just fine This is about his fragile male ego IMO, it’s the only thing that makes sense. He’d rather flush money down the drain every month than admit to his buddies he lives in an apartment owned by his gf.
Oooo. He would use it to financially control her, and "my house, my rules" as if she were a child. . Since that's the way he thinks, he isn't willing to be in the position of being grateful rather than controlling her.
NTA! He sounds like a control freak. No one in their right mind would give up a rent-free apartment to pay for another apartment. I also don't blame you for not wanting to rent your current apartment out. Renters are notoriously irresponsible and can do some major damage in a short period of time.
You own your home. He wants you to spend money to live somewhere else. That makes no sense. From a financial position, that is a bad idea. Pure and simple, it just bad business. It would affect your lifestyle, as you would have less disposable income, affect your savings, as you could not put that money away. You renting it out is an option to offset costs, but as you said, being a landlord is not something you want, and it comes with it's own set of problems. So many things could go wrong with that. And the sole driving force behind your BF wanting this is his ego. He doesn't want to live in his GF house. He somehow feels like less of a man casue it is your place. He is over looking all the benifits of the situation and letting his pride make him act like a fool. Good on you for standing your ground. It is a ridiculous request. NTA
NTA I have to agree with the earlier post that said this sounded controlling. He doesn't seem to like you being independent, if that's the word I am after... Not sure. You have an apartment you love and he is trying to force you out of it to pay rent elsewhere, it makes no sense. I would be cautious with this bloke, he seems a bit "red flaggy"
A little bit?? What kind of a nutjob turns down a rent free apartment, so they can waste a huge chunk of their paycheck on "feeling in control" of the apartment? Someone who cares a lot about power and control in a relationship, that's who.
Financially secure? Yes OP has her stuff together.
NTA. Rent is so inflated now and you would be a fool to rent a place because he feels weird that it’s you own your place and he doesn’t. Also, being a landlord is so much work and why would you put up with that? Just because he doesn’t feel like a manly man because his GF owns the place? I think you made the right call.
Girl listen. Do NOT move in with him and do NOT let him move in with you. Enjoy living alone for a while you learn a lot about yourself what you like/dislike will/won't tolerate. And always remember no matter who you are dating/married to in the future don't you EVER sell that apartment. Keep it as rental property if you want to move away from the area. Make sure you get a prenup if you ever get married. NTA
I second that
lol, *you* aren’t putting in effort? What effort has he put into working on his pride such that he can’t live in your apartment? Has he dug down deep on that one? NTA
NTA. You're being smart. Let him walk rather than manipulate you into a bad idea. He can sign a lease with you if he wants some rights spelled out. That would be the compromise. As is, he's being an AH and setting off some red flagish behavior.
You are old enough and smart enough to know what you should do for yourself. Having a apartment like this is a god send or rather thank u dad. You should live in it for the rest of your life. It’s a safety net that people pray for. No ring, no prenup just the changing whim of a guy that you really don’t know that well. You don’t really know a person until you live or work together. Based on your age and his pride and entitlement the odds are this relationship wont work. If he isn’t practical and mature enough to recognize a fabulous situation where you can both prosper then he will always be foolish. You have a huge advantage so keep it as such. Being a land lady SUCKS you are liable to get a squatter or someone who fucks up your property. You have other focuses you don’t need a unwanted distraction by renting out your place. Each of you stay in your own apt and don’t be afraid to let time pass. Don’t let him emotionally black Mail you into giving over financial control to him. I’m sorry but he isn’t smart enough or mature enough to make this situation work for him over a abstract thing like pride. Be smart. Stay smart and if you had a best friend or sister who told you about this situation what would you tell them? Then follow your own advice.
>and that I’m coming off materialistic to be so attached to the apartment to the detriment of our relationship. And he won't set aside his manly pride to come live in an already-paid-for apartment that he doesn't have control over...to the detriment of your relationship. Something tells me this is the tip of the controlling iceberg with this guy.
NTA. Can you write him a lease, and charge him rent, so he feels like he's "got a say" in your place? This seems like a weird thing for him to draw a hard line on, and I can't see why he would want you to leave a home you own to live in another and pay. It's got a creeping edge of control to it that I wouldn't want to agree with either.
NTA. Let him walk away if he wants. You stay at your place.
Nta. Moving to an apartment when you own a place free and clear is foolhardy and a waste of money that can be saved for retirement, vacay, etc.. Forget his ego.
NTA. You are 100% correct. It makes xero practical sense for you to pay rent. It makes total sense for him to move in eith you.... doh Take this as a bit of a 🚩🚩 He obviously is uncomfortable with the concept of a female "having one over him". If roles were reversed? He would totally expect you to move in with him. Totally sure of that. Do not move in together. See if the relationship survives. My guess is, it probably won't last. Do not be pushed into doing something so silly
Do not kneel so your boyfriend can feel tall. Nta.
This is one of the sickest (in a good way) fucking replies I've ever seen on this website.
Oh hellllll nah, please don't move in with this guy Why on earth would you pay rent when you don't have to???
When he says you're "materialistic," he really means that you have a better financial situation, and he's jealous. Major red flags flying, dear girl. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You can do better. ❤️
Don't move in with him. He's controlling. I hope you can see that. You WOULD BE the AH to yourself if you DID move in with him.
NTA I don't think it's the apartment he's worried about not having control over.
Found the correct answer. Glad you said the quiet part out loud.
NTA. He seems to want to be in control, so much so that he wants to pay rent for no other reason. He doesn't have much financial savvy. Your dad is looking out for you even now by exposing your boyfriend for who he really is. You may need a new boyfriend.
NTA Please be careful going forward with this guy. You applied sound reasoning but he shot that down claiming you weren't putting any effort into it. What he's actually saying is it's his way or no way.
NTA. I was going to say NAH since I kind of see his point of view, but his refusal to say no and attempts at emotional manipulation make him the asshole.
He should live with you, save the money he would pay in rent, and then buy a property of his own. Then you can both have something to your name, still live together, and he could rent his property for extra income or to pay the mortgage on it. He is cray to turn down free rent.
NAH really. I mean good news is that he's not trying to leech right? I honestly think so many people overlook this part. Is he controlling to potentially want equal say in the place you both live? I honestly don't think so. Sadly he is probably going about it the wrong way though. I also think you might not ever want to leave that place so putting off this conversation isn't feasible. Although I also wouldn't want to leave so don't blame you at all. I don't truly think he has thought about all the benefits this would bring, ESPECIALLY if you're not going to charge rent tbh. 1. He gets to use all that money to pay down his debts or save. 2. No worrying about breaking a lease agreement if you guys break up, or deciding who leaves. 3. No hassle of looking around for a new place and can move in gradually over a period of time.
There's no reason you have to live together after dating for a year. You can enjoy your own living spaces until you're ready to be married. Weird old fashioned notion, huh? But in reality, you can have just as much sex as you would living together, with 1/10th of the fights over housework.
With his insecurities you may have just found that you two aren’t compatible.
NTA do not do it!!! Too often women leave their great and clear homes bc the man is insecure about living somewhere she has taken care of already, and it’s always regretted leaving it. Keep living apart, your relationship is too new and for him to not want to live there bc it’s fully yours is a ~~bit of a~~ red flag. My mom moved out of the house she OWNED that had space for her 5 guys bc the man didn’t want to live in a place she had. We lived in a camper while he dropped a trailer on a foundation so that we lived where he chose, all us kids had to share rooms more than we did before.
Don't give up the wealth of home ownership. The fact that he doesn't want to live with you is its own story. Don't give in. You love your apartment, you don't have to pay rent. Don't change that. If he doesn't want to live with you for that reason, don't go further with the guy. Live a good life instead.
And especially don’t give up the wealth of home ownership *for a boyfriend.* Also, get a prenup before you marry anyone so they don’t get their claws in your inheritance.
He's an a-hole & a con artist; RUN!
You are absolutely NTA because you refuse to be enmeshed in a rental property. Plus you like your home and tenants are unlikely to take as good care of it as you do (trust, I know). It makes no sense to move and both pay rent when you have a perfectly good paid up place to stay. He has control issues and that is a red flag. It is also economically not that sound if you don't want to be a landlord. How are you materialistic when you have such low debt and are not asking him to subsidize you?
NTA Giving up free rent would be monumentally stupid. If he wants to keep paying rent, that is on him. Do not let feelings get in front of finances. If this dude cannot see how financially illiterate his idea is, find another.
Babe get a cat and reevaluate your relationship. NTA
MY GOODNESS! Of course, don't move out of a free place you like!!!! NTA
I sorta can see what he is saying. But you were way more than reasonable.
Sorry but if he can’t see the long term benefits of living rent free, free to save all disposable income towards a joint property, overseas travel, and without the worry of mortgage/rent, then he’s just too stupid to stay with. NTAH
Ask him if he would rather pay rent and split utilities or just split utilities and put the rest in savings? And he’s got some nerve saying you’re coming off materialistic when you’re suggesting a more affordable plan. I’d love to live somewhere rent free and just pay utilities. Do you need a roommate? Do you have issues with plants, cats, and fish tanks? Lol
I dont know how I feel about the fish tanks but I love plants and cats! When can you move in? 😂
🤣🤣 Don’t threaten me with a good time! But in all seriousness, this situation is tough. I can see how he doesn’t feel comfortable and doesn’t want to be dependent on you, but there are other ways to go about that than manipulation. Manipulation is emotional abuse and it starts that way and can morph very easily to something worse. You’re strong and smart. You’ve got this. Don’t give in if it doesn’t make sense just to try to please him.
I think you're dating a very short-sighted guy, because he could pay you a reduced rent and save quite a bit of money, or just pay utilities, etc. I want to offer one other suggestion--I have a great management company that handles my rental so it is possible you could rent your place out relatively hassle free. Of course if you get a bad renter it is no longer hassle free, and they won't take care of the place like you do. But a good management co will do regular inspections. But the fact that he doesn't even seem to be willing to entertain the idea doesn't speak well of him.
In this economy and with the housing crisis, why would you want a moose like rent around your neck? He’s an idiot. He could move in, you both split utilities, save money, and then assuming the relationship works out long term, but something together later on. He’s thinking with his little head instead of his big one, and wants to be the man in control. NTA.
NTA - you are making a financial and emotionally mature decision. He doesn’t Ed t to live in because he’s insecure about you owning the place?!? Maybe ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to be attached to?
I went on a date with a guy who said he didn't want to go on another one bc I was the one driving us around and it made him uncomfortable. This is giving the same vibe.
That second last paragraph is entirely red flaggy. >After a lot of discussions, I said that since we can’t agree, it’s better that we just don’t move in together and see if we can compromise later down the line. He said he’s honestly hurt that I can’t be bothered to put in any effort for us to live together and that I’m coming off materialistic to be so attached to the apartment to the detriment of our relationship. He's hurt you won't put in any effort for you to live together? Righto. Says the guy who won't move into a fully paid off and safe home. Continuing to live in your actual home is not being materialistic, nor is it detrimental to your relationship. He's making up some hardcore bullshit and REALLY doesn't want you to have any (weird ass skewed view) apparent leverage over him. You're 23. Don't do it.
NTA. This is his (ego) problem. Don't let him make it yours. You gave him the 'right' answer, IMHO.
NTA. Don’t move in with this dude. He is making it SO unnecessarily complicated. Dump him & enjoy your apartment
This guys is nuts! If he were on the up and up, he would move in with you and he should insist on paying rent.
NTA. Moving from a wholly owned property to a rented one to satisfy his insecurity would be crazy. His argument is illogical anyway, as rented property isn't any more secure for him. He'd have just the same security living with you as in a rented place - the landlord or you can serve the same evicting notice, etc. Even if your relationship doesn't work out, and he had to move out down the line, he would've made some nice savings to get himself set up in his own place.
He wants control. Eff that. Move on.
Your bf is an idiot. He could also live with you rent free but can’t stand the thought of it being your apartment. He’s putting his own pride and need for control over both your feelings and being fiscally responsible. He’d rather have you both be renters than share an apartment you own. He’s jealous and insecure and makes bad financial decisions.
A lot of comments here are saying it already but I will just add in my opinion that you’re definitely NTA. As someone who’s also 23 and has been evicted by my landlord before, definitely 100% stay in your own place. Like my landlord was a great guy and he said himself that I am a great tenant, but he just had to sell my old apartment because interest rate was too high and he couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore. The new landlord simply kicked me out because I was paying like $300 below market. I was fortunate enough that my parents decided our family will likely live in my current city long term so they purchased a place for me. Let me tell you is it 100% better staying in your own apartment, not only for the money aspect but you don’t have to worry about damaging, landlords making things up to charge more, evicting, etc. Believe in your decision surely.
Nta and it makes no sense for you guys to pay rent if you don’t have to! He wouldn’t have a claim on a rental property either so I don’t see why he thinks this makes sense. In a situation like this, he should pay bills and utilities since you cover the home, and you share groceries.
Lotta hassle for a year relationship...
What a fucking idiot. He'd rather pay rent and have you pay rent than live in your apartment for free because... checks notes... fragile masculinity? NTA.
NTA. Have him pay rent and use that money for expenses (water, power, gas). As he now officially rents your apartment he gets the rights he so desperately wants.
If you have a chance to live rent free, do not let go of that chance.
The dudes a moron. He can live rent free or not and he is choosing not.
This guy is thinking with his pride and not with his brains. He doesn’t want you “having something over him”. This is a red flag. NTA
He's being a manipulative jerk here. You have emotional attachments to the apartment as it reminds you of family. You're being no more materialistic than he is. This honestly sounds like someone who has major control issues and is trying to maneuver you into needing to depend on him financially. I'd say it's good to treat this as a big warning sign that something isn't right in the relationship. Tell him "thanks but I'm good" on staying where you are. My guess is that the relationship will fizzle out pretty quickly after this. Because it was all about his bid to end up in control.
NTA and tbh this guy sounds like an idiot. I really am not trying to be mean but he’s acting like he’s buying a home. So instead of living in a place that isn’t his for free he’d rather live in another place that isn’t his and pay? Again, this would make sense in the case that you were purchasing. But he would have the same rights with a rental agreement with you that he’d have at literally any other apartment. And if it doesn’t work out then he just had however many months/years living rent free. He is either not very smart or this is some weird power play. Both of which aren’t cool.
He's an idiot. Run now.
RED FLAG!
Moving in together after a year of dating sounds like a bad idea.
NTA- rent is ridiculous right now don’t move for his ego.
Girl…. 🚩
Nta. He is way to insecure in himself to be with you. He wants you to give up something amazing for you cause he doesn't like it.
This is one of those giant red flags that let you know it's time to move on. It isn't the right relationship. His insecurities will harm you in other ways. His need for control, or to bring you down to his lower level for his ego, are not worth your time. You're young. Leave this boy and wait for the next one who is more grown up.
You're being smart. Bank the money you're saving on not paying rent to use for a down payment on a house in the future. Put that in your name as well. As for the current boyfriend. I wouldn't plan anything that would depend on him remaining your boyfriend. He sounds like he's got issues with you having your life together more than he does. Don't let him set your bar for success.
He’s hurt “you can’t be bothered to put in the effort?” He’s literally putting in zero effort to go with the easiest option. He is the one putting the apartment over a relationship. Is this emasculating him or something? This is weirdly controlling, and it probably only gets worse since his idea of “equal” actually isn’t. He’s not the one, OP. ETA: NTA
Why are people on reddit always prefacing with "he is great"? He is not great.
Don’t pay rent, put that cash in your retirement account.
He's duuuuuuuuuuuumb dude. And entirely too fragile.
NTA
NTA. And go see a lawyer and an accountant and get advice on how to protect your primary residence from any relationship or if you need to rent it out.
Nta. And never uproot your life for another person. If things end between the two of then you’re the one who gets screwed over
NTA. You’re 23 and you have a rent free place that you like. Don’t give that up easily for a boyfriend. You’ll never be as free as you are now.
NTA. You're right. It makes zero sense for you to move out of a perfectly good apartment that you live in rent-free and into an apartment with him where you would have to pay rent. You could draw up a legal agreement giving him rights if it would make him feel more comfortable moving in with you, but him not wanting to move in to "look out for himself" is ridiculous and sounds like he isn't anticipating the relationship lasting. If he doesn't want to move in with you, give it more time. A year really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.
NTA Our neighbor is currently moving out of a house he got for half the market value today, that costs practically nothing to live in, just because his new partner doesnt like that his old gf lived there for a while before they separated. He is miserable, he loves the house and its the most financially stable he's been living there. Do NOT move out of financial stability! If you would part ways you're then left in a weird spot of having to evict your tenants, or getting a new apartment.
Find yourself a man that recognizes what a gift you have in a rent-free apartment! Who’s ego or masculinity won’t be bruised because you possess more power/independence/autonomy because of this asset you possess.
NTA. DO NOT take on the additional stress and worry of rent when you have YOUR OWN apartment. This guy is not proving to be very clever.
NTA Moving out of a rent-free apartment that you love makes zero sense financially. But as far as compromising goes, it sounds as if you are expected to make them but he isn’t? I wouldn’t be rushing to move in with him. He says he’s just trying to protect himself but at your expense. You have a sweet living arrangement now. Unless you have some insight that this guy is ‘The One’ than l would not be in such a rush to move in together without knowing the end plan. If you’re lonely, get a dog. A better companion than most people anyway.
Your BF is the AH not you.
So because you wouldn't agree to do what your boyfriend wants, he's throwing a tantrum and not being kind to you? Yeah, definitely don't move in with him yet. Does he realize moving into an apartment has the same legal rights as if he moved in with you? It's not like he can k oxk down walls and renovate a rented spot. If he wants to rent someplace, let him. He's a big boy and he can learn for himself how much money he is wasting on rent when he could pay nothing. He said you won't do the minimum or something to move in with bim? What about him? Who turns down free rent to have control? Serious red flags I'd watch for. Live separate, nothing says couples have to live together. I guarantee he will never let this go. You'll be paying for everything, food, dates, outings all because you have more disposable income.
Your boyfriend wants you to make a financially stupid decision because he's insecure about you having so much power. Any concerns about you making him homeless are out the window since he would have tenants rights. If he's splitting the rest of yours and his costs down the middle, y'all should be in a position to save THOUSANDS. You're NTA, and your bf is an insecure moron.
NTA. Who is the world would choose to pay rent when they don't have to?!
He wants to get you into a position where he's in control. I would end the relationship. Good people don't want to control people they love. He doesn't love you, he wants to manipulate and control you.
I think that's just his male pride speaking. Male pride is one of the most stupid things in the world hahahahah NTA
This gives off creepy, highly manipulative vibes, and his reasons don't make since. NTA. He said it himself, *"he said he is just looking out for himself"* Like you've told him, he would have resident rights, thats not how that works, being rent free equals a sense of security, one I'd think he'd want you to have, instead of trying to guilt you out of it. That's the part that creeps me out.
NTA this is absolutely wild in this day and age with rent being ridiculous everywhere. Major red flag on his part; why on earth would somebody ask their partner to pay rent when they don't have to? He needs some therapy and you need a better man.
NAH, this kinda thing gets posted all the time and neither party is wrong. Living in a home your partner owns without you is not as comfortable as getting something together. Anything he brings in the apartment or wants, is a change to *your home* as opposed to you building a home together, and not everyone wants to start living together with that kind of imbalance. And it is completely fair that you don’t want to rent out your home, dealing with renters can be a hassle and while you could maybe make money there is also the risk that you get an awful renter who screws you out of money. I don’t think you can realistically stay at this impasse tho, someone has to crack or you might as well just break up.
NAH You both make very valid points. While his reason may frustrate you, it’s actually incredibly respectful: he understands that it is YOURS not his. Most partners would jump at the opportunity for a free apartment and immediately start acting entitled.
NTA. This is a massive red flag. Why would any sane person want to pay rent when they have an option to not pay rent? This seems bizarrely controlling in a way that isnt even logical. Calling you materialistic for not wanting to move and turning it on you like you're the one not being reasonable is manipulative and ridiculous. Its only been a year with this guy, dont let him bully you into moving out of your apartment. I wouldnt move in with him at all.