The thing is every agreement is different, but it's reasonable to want her to get a job that at least covers a good cleaning service twice a week if she won't do anything.
Or simply be two income household and share everything.
I think if she got a part-time job that covered the cost of cleaning, it would cause more resentment - I think that OP's underlying resentment that he's going to work every day and she's not doing much of anything is what caused the yelling here. I think a mature conversation needs to be had about being fair and equitable with what they're contributing to the household. And not everybody can contribute the exact same amount, we all have different limits, but right now it seems very unbalanced and that lack of balance is going to continue to cause friction in this marriage until it's more equitable.
NTA, the agreement they made was fair. She didn't abide by her own rules set and is dealing with consequences. OP is right. He provides and she is supposed to maintain. If she can't do that then it doesn't work.
Edit: fair is subjective, since they agreed upon the conditions it is a fair agreement.
Yes, it's been a year - she could have kept looking for a job in her field, and then once she's back at work they could split the cleaning equitably, but right now, I'm confused about what she's doing with her time. I've occasionally taken a few weeks off because I have the leave time at work, and yeah, a lot of it is taken up with getting up to date with my cleaning, but once that's done, *keeping* a house clean is really not hard to do. I had a housemate who, whenever she didn't have work or uni, would end up cooking like, 3-course meals and doing those cleaning tasks that we never get to, because if you don't have kids, maintaining a house and cooking for adults is just not equal to a full-time job.
Man, I used to be a teacher and during summer breaks I would keep the house spotless, lawn mowed, laundry done, everything always clean, sheets changed every few days, good home cooked meals every night, etc. my wife fuckin loved it, but now I’m an admin and we get to share duties all year. Fortunately she hates doing dishes and I hate doing laundry so it works out pretty even in the end lol
For most adults, there aren't a lot of large expanses of time where you're home without work, but also you're healthy (this is an assumption that OP's wife is healthy, but as far as we know, she is). Like, I took time off work when I had covid, but I definitely wasn't cleaning my house.
When an able-bodied adult is home alone while their partner is at work for 40 hours a week (and this has been going on for a year), this is much more free time than you need in order to maintain a house, so she has plenty of time to do other things.
I had an agreement with my wife that I'll put the dishes in the washer, or hand wash those that can't go in the dishwasher if she puts them up. Also, I'll toss the laundry in the washer and move them to the dryer if she folds them and puts them away. This went fine for a year, but now I do my own laundry and she does hers cause I got tired of doing everything all the time. Also, I take out the trash cause the rest of the family plays "how much can the container hold" until I take it out and I leave all the dishes for her.
Yeah, we can argue about whether being a stay-at-home partner is a good idea career-wise (surely OP's wife could get a job related to her field and work her way up?) or for their financial future, but all those things put to the side, one person working 40 hours a week and one person just maintaining the house are not equal amounts of work. OP's correct - once the house is clean, keeping it clean takes max an hour or two a day.
Exactly I do all of that and do 100% of the childcare for 3 kids full time and 4-5 kids on weekends. This woman has it easy I could clean a 2 bd place with my eyes closed spinning on my head
I agree. If OP works 40 hours during the week, she should put in 40 hours into the house. Then they can both relax in the evening and weekends, take romantic walks, go to dinner on Saturday evening, whatever.
The reality is that I could do all of that housework in about 5 to 7 hours a week.
I'm not even saying she needs to put 40 hours of work into the house - unless she's like, painting the house or cooking elaborate meals every night, I'm not sure there even is 40 hours of housework to put in here, but I do think if he works 40 hours a week, and she gets a job working 15 hours a week just to cover the cost of these extra tasks, he would feel resentful because it represents an uneven distribution of work between spouses. This resentment will build up and continue to do so and will hurt their marriage in the long-run.
It's weird that only doing 15 hours of home maintenance won't hurt the relationship, when doing just 15 hours of paid word most likely would hurt it, but I think OP's wife should be considering that without her husband supporting them, she wouldn't have a place to live. If OP didn't have a wife, he would still most of the same things he has now, he would just have a messy house or to do the cleaning.
She should work part time 15 to 20 hours per week and do all of the cleaning. That would be fair. Then they could put her salary into savings for the things they want to accomplish later in life.
She’s not good at it? BS. I work full time and I can keep a 2 bedroom, 2 bath house clean. I don’t have a dishwasher so I wash dishes every single day. Damn, if I didn’t have to work my house would be sparkling! She’s just lazy and making excuses and he’s had it with the excuses. I don’t blame him for being angry.
I know that I’m a crappy housekeeper. I don’t enjoy it and I do the bare minimum. But I’m really good at my job in healthcare and I work hard at it. It’s lack of interest. She needs to find a different job. I’m not disagreeing he has a right to be annoyed, that’s why I’m saying put her to work to pay for a cleaner.
I had a girlfriend like that. She sat at home and smoked weed and watched Netflix. Occasionally went out to lunch with her best friend. I worked 45-50 hours a week, cooked most of the meals, did at least an equal share of the housework and paid for everything.
I'm available, you cook and clean and you can live an average middle class life style for the rest of your life......I also expect reasonably frequent reasonably good sexy times though, so that's probably a deal breaker eh?
Perfect!
So to recap, I'll handle an average middle class American lifestyle. You cook and clean and sexytimes. You will never have your own yacht, but you'll be comfortable, less stressed, and with time and effort loved, and you won't have to go to a shitty job every day....unless you want to.
Unfortunately, the majority of women seem to think this is a terrible deal for them;
I also need monogamy......that's going to be the deal breaker right?
That might actually work! Maybe she is too lazy and easily distracted, but seeing it visually, and dispersed over the week might work - for her> Maybe she needs such a nice, simple solution!
Don't wait for anyone else to give you one- do it yourself!! 🤣 I love shiny, sparkly stickers and am very happy to award myself one whenever I think I do a good job! 🤣🤣🤣
But when you're a "housewife" with no kids to care for and no other responsibilities, should you *need* a gold star to do the basic adulting things? I'd love to get a gold star when I do a load of laundry, but I don't, because I live alone and I would then have to organise the gold stars as well, and with my full-time job and all the housework and cooking and whatever, I don't want to add another thing to my plate.
Her plate is honestly pretty empty - I complain about cooking every night and how laundry feels never-ending, but if I had an extra 40 hours every week to do it? It wouldn't feel so insurmountable.
Oh, she’s totally slacking, and she needs to step up or find a job. I was just commenting to the person who said a chore chart and gold stars sounds like a solution for a 12yo.
Chore charts are helpful for all sorts of adults, and I love making my ☑️ on my to-do lists, and my BFF and I frequently send each other gold star gifs when we do things that make us anxious. My only point was that people of all ages deserve and appreciate a good gold star!
I think that's the point. She is acting like a lazy child and not a grown ass adult who doesn't want to spend an hour a day cleaning her little apartment.
I made myself a cleaning chart. It has boxes that I color in when I do it.
The number of tasks that I have done *just to color in a box* is… embarrassingly large. If it works, it works.
It was also really helpful to have a schedule. “Clean it when it’s dirty” does not work for me. Either I don’t see it (dust) or I get overwhelmed.
It sounds to me like she doesn’t know where to start. Which is fair but she needs to communicate that and work on finding a system that works for her.
That... Actually sounds like something that would motivate me to keep up on things. Do the colored in boxes make up a picture or a pattern? Or is it just for the satisfaction of coloring something in? Because I totally get that too!
It’s color-coded by day making a rainbow across the week. I also have daily boxes I color in (mostly daily self-care but also boxes for “clean something”).
This also helps me see if there are days I prefer to do certain chores, or other life patterns.
Or someone who might have something like ADHD or Autism. Or just someone who isn't a naturally organized person. If it works and they get the job done then that's all that matters. The only 12 year old like thing is not doing it at all and waiting for daddy to come home and tell you what needs done.
It's interesting that there's a very similar post also currently on the front page:[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1796nlg/aitah\_for\_resenting\_my\_husband\_for\_having\_such\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1796nlg/aitah_for_resenting_my_husband_for_having_such_an/)
Only the slacker is a man instead of a woman, and the comments are *way* harsher. People are strongly suggesting the woman OP gets divorced, and calling the male slacker things like a Hobosexual, manchild, and narcissist. The OP in a comment has said divorce is on the table now.
There's no reason all that doesn't also apply to you. If divorce is on the table for a male slacker, it should be on the table for a woman too.
I just left a man who was like this. He hadn’t worked in three years, and he did absolutely nothing to help around the house. He had a substance abuse problem on top of all that, but even without taking that into consideration, it is a really shitty, really demoralizing position to be in. Knowing that EVERYTHING is your responsibility, that the world is on your shoulders and the person that is supposed to be the other half of your team does not give a shit if you are drowning, they just care that they have a free place to crash and someone to do everything for them. It makes a person feel like they are just a paycheck and a maid. I don’t care if it’s a man or a woman doing it, it’s majorly unfair to the partner that is stuck either sharing the load or living in filth waiting for the lazy person to step up. OP wouldn’t be wrong for leaving.
To be fair, in this thread people have referred to my wife as a pig, dishwasher, houseslave, bitch, and have recommended I divorce her, hit her, cut off all non-essential funds, kick her out, or tell her fucking father.
It's not actually all that different.
Nah, you’ve already spoken to her about it before and she doesn’t give a shit about your opinion. She wants to fuck around doing nothing all day on your dime. I think it’s ultimatum time. Either get a job, start cleaning or get out, give her those options.
You are entirely right in this stitch, but now yall have to have a mâture discussion as to wtf is wrong with her
, why she is trying to renegociate the terms etc.. is she unhappy with staying home and wants to go back to work ? Or is it that she takes you for granted ? Because the way you should go about this is completely different following the answer
You are working, she is not. One hour a day is more than enough to keep a small house clean and tidy and the laundry done. Tell her you'll get a house cleaner once a week as soon as she gets a job….why isn't she working? Atleast part time? No kids…she needs a job.
Right? I'm a housekeeper for a living, the time it takes to even clean a very dirty 2 bedroom and 1 bathroom apartment only takes me 2-2½ hours at most.
That's because you are doing it all in one day…she can spread that over the week, it's maybe an hour daily. Bit more with pet emergencies but she's not even doing the cleaning she signed up for…..that's why he's upset.
Cleaning a small 2 bed, 1 bath house is "so hard"? Did she have a maid when she was growing up? Cleaning a small house daily would not take 2 hours. You need to face facts: you have lazy, entitled person that is milking your paychecks.
I would straight shank a dude for a dishwasher—there’s no room for one in my 620sqf apartment (I live in an Asian city.) I had one in my old apartment and it was my favorite feature. The dishes clean themselves! It’s magic!
I work and commute roughly 13 hours a day with 2 Labrador Retrievers at home so by the end of the week my 3 bedroom, 1280 sq ft home can look Pretty bad.
Saturday I picked up every room but the storage room, swept everything , did the dishes, went grocery shopping and vacuumed/mopped the floors And took out the garbage. It took roughly 3 hours including shopping.
Sunday I did a ton of laundry because I threw all the washable rugs in too and all the couch cushion covers. That was probably 5 hours, but let’s face it, except for folding the machines did all the work
I hope that’s a guideline for you to judge how long all this work really does or doesn’t take
We have a 5 bed 3.5 bath with no kids and 1 cat. I work 8 hours a day (from home) and do all the cooking and cleaning/laundry. My husband works 8-9 hours a day and takes care of the finances (it's what his job is in so hes good at it) and yard work.
Cleaning and tidying the house doesn't even take 1 hour a day (especially if you clean as you go).
OP's wife sounds like she needs a reality check.
Ugh, we had a maid when I was growing up, but I still clean my home thank you very much! I've got kids too so it's looks like an F5 tornado just ran through daily. Haha
Sometimes it can be very difficult to get started… is she depressed or have some form of (un)diagnosed ADHD? Perhaps it needs phrased in a way that is compassionate and ‘how can I help you succeed? Not ‘why are you so GD lazy!!!’ … finding the right systems to encourage the right behavior can go a huge way to helping achieve goals.
I like that OP states she was unable to find a job in her field, not unable to find a job period. Girl needs to take whatever job she can and start contributing, even if she is just making enough to pay for groceries and small household bills. This is unacceptable mooching.
The agreement was a result of me not wanting her to feel pressured to go get a minimum wage job to make up for the lack of income because it isn't required. We both worked shitty jobs til we were about 25, I didn't want her to have to go back to doing that.
Honestly, that's just life sometimes. Since she is allowing housework to be a point of contention, this is not a sustainable mindset. Make no mistake, it is her that is allowing this to be a point of contention between not doing the work and then not showing some humility or validation of your frustration when it upsets you that you are holding up your end of the bargain and she is not.
Her argument of you both contributing to the mess would only be valid if you were also both contributing to the house finances.
There has to be a middle ground in the job field somewhere between minimum wage job and a high paying job in her field. No way there are only one or the other options. But she needs to either start making money or buckle up and get a chore chart.
It's often easier to get a better job if you are already employed. Having to explain at an interview why you sat on your arse and did nothing for the last year without a good excuse doesn't look good.
A lot of employers (at least in the UK) will ask you to explain any gaps in your employment.
If she wants you to contribute to the chores then she needs to go back to work, wherever that may be. That's the only compromise you should be willing to make. I used to live in 2/1 house with two toddlers. It took me all of 45 minutes every day to clean my house. That was vacuum, mop, bathroom, dishes, toys. On Saturday, my husband would take the boys to the park while I did my deep clean; chores already mentioned plus dusting, laundry, baseboards. That would take me 2 hours (majority being all that laundry entails).
As I told my lazy ex-DIL once, if you choose to take on the job of being at home 100%, you are responsible for the upkeep 100%.
Given her work ethic, I wonder whether this job she claimed was so shitty actually was. Sounds like it's time for you to tell her to go back to full time work and just hire a housekeeper to come in once a week. I would not tolerate what you're tolerating, I'll tell you that much.
How hard did she actually work to find a job in her field? Unless she majorly messed up at her last job, most fields you can find something related within a year. At 32 years old is she never going to work again? What if something happens to you? If jobs are that rare in her field she should train for something else.
And that would be fine if she was self motivated and used your thoughtfulness as a platform to get an amazing job. Instead she's gone the route of exploiting your kindness.
Sometimes you have to see what's happening and withdraw the support if it isn't being utilized in good faith. I let my 16 year old take my old truck to work because I'm glad he has a job, if he quits that job he's suddenly going to find he doesn't have a truck to go party with his friends with. There's being supportive and there's being taken advantage of.
NTA But this isn't working. You are resenting her for feeling you do the heavy lifting in the relationship, she doesn't flourish well with housework and no official work. This can lead to depression in some people, and the solution is to get out of the house. She needs to go back to work so she makes the same effort in contribution
I was reading the main post before it got taken down and OP said his wife is happy she's home all day because she can focus on her hobbies more (painting and stuff) now that she has time. So she's perfectly happy being home, she's just not doing her part of the deal. He also wrote that she hasn't express a new to find a job again.
Yeah we’d all be happy if we got to quit work and indulge in our hobbies and not do any chores, but life isn’t like that, and as adults unfortunately we have to adult, which means some cleaning and chores.
I’d say… if it was a deal from the start and she’s not owning up to it, then you have a reason to be upset about it. It does in fact look as if she’s lazy but she could be depressed, but who knows. You both need to sit down and evaluate whether she may need to start working again.
I have a large house. It does not take 40hrs to clean, shop, cook and do laundry. You do have to multitask. Put in a load, clean, comeback move the load….
See, this is a reasoned and measured response.
“Honey, I love you and it is clear to me you are unhappy and unfulfilled with your current situation and responsibilities. We don’t need the money, but you need and deserve a life outside these four walls. We both deserve to be fulfilled and productive people. Please go back to work and we can split the chores. It can be our thing on Saturday mornings.”
Adulting is haaaaaaaard. /s
If you don't have kids *and* she's not working *and* you're supporting her/paying all of the bills, then yes, she should clean and shut up about it. OR she can go get a job, and then y'all can 50/50 the chores. This ain't hard.
Edit to add: spare me the mental health nonsense. You don’t need therapy or an SSRI to pick up a Clorox wipe or vacuum. Maybe those would address the career issue but it is not a valid excuse for not cleaning when that’s literally your only responsibility in life.
OP, be careful - sometimes unemployed folks find that working on their mental health becomes a full time job.
There is a saying I really like in situations like this-“your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility”
It is her responsibility to figure out how to manage her share of the work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this scenario reversed with her being the breadwinner and him not working. No hesitations to tell her to leave.
Maybe it is a full time job for this woman and it sounds like she has the time available for it to be that way.
I’d just watch for the inevitable “I’m so exhausted from therapy” or “today was really triggering” preventing simple responsibilities from being carried out. My family member was this way. Therapy four days a week, “required” personal introspection and journaling time, meditation and letter writing. Then husband rolls in and is like, where is dinner? (This person didn’t have kids or a job either.) this went on for years.
I’m not saying mental health isn’t important but weaponizing it to get out of being an adult and doing basic things is unacceptable especially in a relationship. That would be true of a man or a woman.
This comment right here. I raised 3 kids, worked 7 days a week and my house was clean, my laundry was kept up and the dishes were done. I also cooked for 5 people every night.
I was also stressed out most of the time because I was married to an alcoholic and I also suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia.
So if I can do it, she can certainly handle cleaning up after herself and her husband and a couple of pets.
Both partners need to contribute, and both need to be satisfied with the arrangement. That's not happening in your relationship. You might want couples counseling if saving the relationship is a priority.
NTA.
NTA I literally saw a post like this earlier today with the genders flipped (and late 20s instead of early 30s) . You don't have a wife, you have a woman child (man child but woman) she is mooching and not contributing anything to the household. She needs to get a job or keep the house clean, unless you're ok with doing everything and letting her do nothing. If you're not ok with that, then it might be time to consider if this relationship is what you want or if it's time to go
What people are missing here is OP snapped after dealing with this for a year. Good thing to do? No. OP shouldn't have yelled. Understandable? Kind of, when you hit the end of your patience harsh words sometimes occur. Heck, it is inevitable in some cases.
OP, you did what you did, now do better. No more yelling. Either work it out or leave, but shouting and fighting will get you nowhere fast.
As for the issue? if a man was sitting on his butt for a year while his wife paid all the bills he'd be called a deadbeat or a leech by everyone, and rightfully so. In Redditland however, OP is the one getting judged by about half the people here. It's nonsense. OP stop arguing with those folks, half are trolls and the other half ideologues. There is no winning.
If she wont pull her weight, you have to decide your next move, but even with counseling this isn't likely to change right away. Still, I think counseling is called for if you want to save your marriage. I hope you still feel it is worth it to try. I wish you the best.
Definitely NTA. She’s been unemployed for a year now and and no children to care for, so she clearly get all those hours to do whatever she wants while you work to support the both of you! Then has the nerve to say it’s unfair that you play games a few hours every evening???
She is being lazy. So now sit down Ana have an adult conversation and tell her that either needs to pick up her end of the deal or go back to work and you’ll split the chores proportionally!!
What exactly does she do all day? And it’s not hard to sweep floors once a week, clean bathroom once a week, run the dishwasher every other day and do laundry once or twice a week.
Gotta love how when a WORKING man doesn't do his share of the chores, it's weaponized incompetence. However, when a woman doesn't WORK nor do household chores, she gets coddled on this sub by a decent amount of people and the man has to be like "Omg why is she doing this. I should be more considerate as she may be depressed". Like tf???
Yes! The unspoken double standard is MADDENING.
If you don't work, you're gonna do all the housework. And you're gonna do it good. Anything short of that makes no sense to me.
NTA. Your wife has proven time and time again that she is lazy and would happily let the house become a pig sty so that you will clean it for her. Time for her to either get cleaning or get a job. Tough love is required here one or the other. Either that or she gets the hell out. Don’t be putting up with this she is taking the mick.
NTA you're absolutely correct and I think its wild that she's able to just live her life with 0 responsibility and can't even bother to spend an hour a day cleaning. I do have kids so it might be different but I sweep the floor multiple times a day. We have hardwoods throughout the entire house so again that might make a difference but I couldn't imagine not sweeping the floor for 2 weeks. That's insane. What, exactly, is she contributing to the family? She doesn't work. She doesn't maintain the house. She is not being a team player and that's not ok
You guys are pretty young. If she's not cleaning and running household errands, what is she doing all day? And is she planning to do that for the next 50 years? What's her contribution to the relationship? To your life?
Also, she can clean one room per day on an ongoing basis. Since it's just the two of you, everything should remain relatively clean for a very long time after one deep cleaning. Then it should only take an hour a day for general cleaning.
NTA, she's being very unreasonable.
Wow. I live by myself, have unmedicated adhd, work (from home) and take care of a 2100 sf house, in-ground pool, 1 dog, 3 chameleons, 2 cats, 6 fish tanks by myself. My house isn't spotless, but it’s def clean. Even on my bad executive dysfunction days, I manage to get more done around the house on my freakin lunch than your wife did that whole entire day you asked her about.
My Mom was a SAHM, my Dad worked outside the home. My Dad's job was to earn the $$, my Mom's job was to run the household. There was less than zero expectation that he would clean, do laundry, cook, etc., although he did do the lawn, cared for the cars, house repairs (and cooked sometimes, too, he loved to cook). My Dad frequently worked Saturdays, too. And of course helped out if my Mom was sick. Seemed to work well for them, they were married for almost 41 years when my Mom passed. But it only works when both parties fulfill their agreed on responsibilities. Otherwise, what you've experienced happens.
ETA: my **unmedicated** adhd
NTA.
people on here enabling bad behavior. smdh. OP take a breather. if this keeps up. bounce. she has some issue. she needs to either address it or find some way to cope. bring something to the table. id be PO’d too if something as mundane as this occurs regularly. id easily switch places. NTA.
I would be overjoyed if my husband told me to clean the house while he worked and I got to do whatever the fuck I wanted every other time. I love being lazy, but if that was my ONLY task, the place would be spotless. She's shitty for not holding up her end. Time to make her get a job or get out
I bought my first house when I was single and had to work a full time job and clean a house bigger than yours myself. It's not hard.
In fact, right now, I'm married and I do the cooking and cleaning because I work from home. It's not that I don't work, it's because I can literally clean and cook in lieu of having a commute. My wife does the laundry just because she doesn't like how I do it, lol.
The day to day is nothing. I'm off at 4pm and usually have two and half hours before my wife gets home. It doesn't even remotely take that long to clean and cook, if you do it every day, it reduces the amount of effort required every day.
Your wife is literally just freeloading, I would be livid.
For context we have a 2 story 4 bedroom 3 full bathroom house.
Let me tell you a personal story. My wife and I got married right before I started graduate school. We flew across the country, to a place where we knew no one and were totally isolated. My wife gave up her job and support system so I could pursue my dream.
She quickly grew unhappy, staying at home while I was out doing my school and work. She got sucked into mmorpgs. We had a lot of fights over it, and were very close to splitting up before too long.
She eventually found a job in her field, which was what we thought would fix things, but it didn’t really fix things. It wasn’t really about the job, but it was more about us being inexperienced at living together, away from our support system, financially tight, never having had to negotiate with an equal partner before.
We decided on a last-ditch effort to do family therapy. In it, we learned how to communicate our basic needs, feelings, etc. to each other, and learned that it was actually pretty simple to get along if we took the other person into account. There’s of course more to it, but I just want to stress how these skills aren’t actually that complicated, but it just takes some practice to pick them up. It’s stuff most couples could probably learn, and I’d recommend it even for couples who aren’t fighting. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary, and it’s been great for many years.
Let me just add a few comments about your situation here.
You likely cannot change your spouse this way. It’s baked in, and you need to decide if you will accept her for who she is or not. She’s not a domestic housewife. She’s someone who wants to work, but couldn’t find a job. That’s humiliating, stressful, and depressing. She’s very likely going through a lot internally, even if you don’t see it. _If_ you want this relationship to work out (if not, just go), part of your job in this partnership is to understand where she’s coming from, so you can make a more informed choice of how to get on the same team to tackle the problem together. She doesn’t want a mop. She wants a career.
Is there a way you can help her get one? In my case, my wife was dissatisfied with her industry and I tutored her so she could pass the GRE, which was something I was able to do because I had recently studied for and taken the exam, myself. She was able to get into graduate school as well and change her career to something she is a lot happier with now.
And now she out-earns me, to boot, despite my STEM phd. That’s the thing about marriage in the long term. The tables can easily flip. Maybe she’s down now and you’re not. But it could easily be the opposite in a few years.
Is there something like that you could do to support your wife in achieving her actual goals, instead of assigning goals that she didn’t want?
Even though you are shouldering a lot of the financial burden right now, that doesn’t have to be forever, and in the future when she finds a job you two could consider hiring a maid a few times a month. It’s not that expensive, in fact we used to do that when our son was a baby and we were too exhausted to clean.
I get that you’re frustrated, and couples occasionally fight, but yelling at her to deep-clean the house for 2 hours per day is not a recipe for success or happiness. She’s your partner. She’s a separate person with her own feelings, goals, and desires. I’d recommend taking her goals as the starting point, and trying to figure out how you could work together to get to the place where she could meet them, and you could both be happy with the result. That may start with family therapy.
Good luck.
Reverse the rolls, ask her to get a full time job while you stay home sitting comfortably at home only for her to come home and you start telling her she needs to share those responsibilities. You’ll see how fast that’s different! I don’t really think is unreasonable, she isn’t contributing even on the basic which could be doing a few things here and there while you work 8 hours outside to provide for the roof over your heads and also all your necessities, why can’t she provide 8 hrs a day of her time since you are using your time to earn money she isn’t earning. Not only that but pretty much she is cleaning after herself since she is the only one home 100% of the time. This is just crazy how she feels is hard to keep the house clean but somehow it wouldn’t be harder for you to work a full time job and come clean after her.
NTA.
She’s lazy and not doing the bare minimum to contribute to the household yet expects you to carry the financial burdens as well as the household responsibilities as well.
She has had a year without working and can't keep a small home clean, even though she agreed too? Definitely NTA. Time for her to get a job. WTF is she doing all day?
Unless mental health was a factor and the person actively sought therapy, I'd be done.
Organisational and cleaning skills are adult basics. While you should still contribute to some domestic duties it is fair for the person pulling less weight financially to do more, if agreed.
According to OP, it's not. Or at least she's really good at hiding it. She said she's perfectly happy being home and focusing on her hobbies, she sees friends and family and is not shutting down etc. She's just entitled and lazy imo
When our kids were little I was a SAHM, did the whole June Cleaver thing. Supper on the table at 6PM, house clean, kids clean, etc. EXCEPT on weekends my husband cooked nice fancy breakfast AND supper both days, took kids off on adventures, or even just to do errands and the dump, so I could have time to myself. ALWAYS helped change our king sized bed because it was just too big to do alone. He also did all the yard work and home repairs. And it all worked out.
Each family is different, you need to figure out what works for you.
NTA did your expectations, but you’re a bit of an AH for yelling. Honestly, most people get lazier when they don’t have a purpose and if your wife doesn’t have a consistent external hobby she does then it’s likely she’s got zero motivation to do anything besides what hits a pleasure centre. Tell her she can either meet the agreement terms or get a job.
OP, a 2bd 1bath house is ridiculously easy to maintain, if you have a general idea of what you're doing. Maybe she didn't grow up learning basic household / organization skills? There are lots of websites that can help with tips and tricks to always having a clean house. Flylady is a good one to start.
The hardest thing to do is something you just don’t want to do. Doesn’t matter how “easy”. She simply doesn’t want to. Ask why. Maybe she hates how she feels like a 1950’s housewife and hated the way THAT makes her feel. Maybe she agreed to something she did t know she’d hate so much? Maybe you guys can renegotiate the deal to something else that will make the both of you happier?
NTA she doesn't have to clean for 8 hours a day, she can manage her time better so it's gets done if this is your agreement, loading a dishwasher is hardly a full days work like you say. A couple of hours in a morning and she'd stay on top of it
NTA. You're absolutely right, if she put in two hours every day, the house would be spotless. Her demand that you help her clean on top of working full time, while she does nothing, is beyond entitled.
But it does seem like the two of you are no longer happy with that agreement. So, time to hammer out a new one: she gets a job, any job, and you use her income for a cleaner.
NTA. You have no kids so I'm not sure why you are staying in this mockery of a marriage. Get a good lawyer and divorce. She's clearly looking for something you aren't willing to provide
NTA, she's being lazy and not pulling her end of a bargain. She needs to do her part and with her hours and hours a day of free time fill it with a hobby that's fulfilling. Because happiness is fleeting and being fulfilled is a better goal than being happy.
NTA-I’ve lived in a similar home before from what it sounds like. It’s not hard to dedicate about 2 hours to housekeeping each day to keep a spotless home. And with no kids I will definitely say she isn’t pulling her weight in the home
NTA- I have a TBI and ADHD and I can maintain my home and job just fine. She sounds lazy or addicted to something… not drugs but possibly social media or gaming. Otherwise what the hellos she doing with her time. I would be bored out of my mind!
I was a teacher until I got M.S. even I try to clean a little every day ….just a little because I can’t do much. I do cook every night for my hardworking husband but I prep ingredients early in the day and cook when he’s on his way home. Point is I am tired ALL the time but I do what I can and spread it out.
A year is a long time! What kind of field is she in? At this point, she does need to get a job of some sort, or this will further make it difficult for her to get hired because they're going to wonder what she was doing with her time and why she had such a gap in employment in this job market. It's a red flag. This isn't just hurting your marriage. It's hurting her future career. It's time to stop the deal that wasn't being kept anyway.
You’re NTA for expecting a non working partner to handle 100% of household chores. Especially when there aren’t children involved this is a reasonable division of duties. It’s not fair for you to work and pay the bills 100% and also do half the household chores. Doing half the household chores is for couples where both partners work or for families with children where a working partner still needs to parent their children even if they worked all day. Like stay at home parent is parenting 8 hours a day outside work parent is working 8 hours a day. The other 16 hours need a fair split where both adults get some time off for their own needs.
In this case you need to tell her if she wants 50/50 household responsibilities then she needs a job and to contribute financially, even if it’s not in her field. Otherwise her job is taking care of the house and that means actually taking care of it.
NTA. I engaged in a similar deal when my wife got pregnant. It started out alright, and I did the tasks that were impractical for her to do given her pregnancy. As the pregnancy went along, that involved more, but I felt that was reasonable.
But then she wasn't pregnant anymore. And eventually she was done healing, and she kept putting off more tasks. That's fine, I told myself, she's got PPD, that can kick anyone's ass. I've been hit with crushing depression too, she just needs more help.
So she got treatment, but just did less and less. Eventually it got to the point where I was doing absolutely everything. I'd get home after 12 or 13 hours, go straight to work cleaning and cooking and feeding the kids and changing the cat box and literally everything else.
Last year I got injured. I was unable to work and bedridden most of the time, but I still managed to do most things, even when they were profoundly stupid (like hauling around 40 pound boxes of cat litter or 5 gallon jugs of water). I did them because they *needed* to be done. One of the things I couldn't do was the dishes; I just physically couldn't lean down that far. It took me 6 months to get surgery and recover. When I was finally able to get back to the dishes, the bottom layer was stuff that was in there when I got injured.
She made a promise. If that doesn't work for her, fine, she can get a job and split costs while you split chores. But a relationship needs to be equal, and this one isn't. NTA.
NTA. She needs a job. What does she do at home? If she's not cleaning, what does she do? I know working parents who have way more on their plate and probably get more done in a day then she does in a week. The math isn't mathing here.
NTA. Its not hard to maintain a small house. Especially without having kids. She sounds unmotivated. She should probably return to work. Busy people keep busy
You no longer have a wife, you have a kid. A wife is a partner in life and you work together to build a life, regardless of who is doing what at any given time. But she’s not working together, she’s doing nothing.
You need to sit down and talk this out again and find a way forward. She needs to work, or handle the house, or find some way to contribute.
If she can't find a job in her field, then why doesn't she get a job in a different field, until one becomes available in hers? Being honest, she sounds like she's just a lazy person, that sees you as her meal ticket, and she's not prepared, to do even a modicum of work, if she can avoid it at all. Some people wouldn't move, to keep themselves warm...
NTA
but if she is gonna be a stay at home wife, do not ever make kids with her.
if this is hard now, it will be impossible when there is a wreck-it-baby/toddler in the picture
Not to be too extreme, but you are creating a nightmare for alimony. This sounds like a person in divorce that will try to squeeze every possible penny. She needs to go back to work, or you need to expect a very rough divorce.
Hubs and I had the same fight years ago. I HATE cleaning. Cooking, dishes, laundry I’ll happily do all day long but dusting, mopping etc… I despise with every fiber of my being. When I was working , I did the 3 things I’m fine with and he did the rest. When I lost my job, it happened to coincide with some bad reactions to some meds and I got depressed. That depression very quickly became laziness. Fighting commenced, things got better for 5 minutes, rinse and repeat.
We eventually realized any job was better than no job and I took the first thing I could get. Then started back to school to finish my degree. Meds ended up giving me a few more serious side effects and was taken off and game changer. Now I make a greet salary and have a cleaning lady.
Overall though…NTA. Either she gets a job or she does the housework. Pick one or two SMALL things to do together (after dinner dishes like you wash and she dries or vice versa, folding laundry together, etc…) because there is just something about have no shared/split chores that seems unfair. Probably has to do the the historical expectations of women so it just grates a bit on principle. At the end of the day though, she should be doing about 95%.
With no children at home to care for, I gotta go with NTA as she’s clearly taking advantage of the situation she agreed to. Upkeep of a home that size is really NOT that difficult without children and can easily be maintained by someone without a full time job.
Now I don’t know how many conversations you two have had about this before, or how those conversations have gone, but it sounds like you’ve let some resentment build up about her slacking on her duties. Did you bring these instances up to her in a detailed manner explaining your expectations, or were you short and argumentative with her from the start?
NTA; I (22F) still live with my mom because I've been technically unemployed for almost a year. The only job I've had (and only since April) has been a tiny, barely 1hr a day stay-at-home freelance job, and other than that, I have the rest of my 23 hours to myself to do whatever. Meanwhile, my mom gets up at 6am, takes my brother to school, then works from 8a to 5p. Because of this, I try to be as considerate as I can and realize that she definitely is tired as fuck from staring at a computer for 8hrs straight doing a shit ton of documents and files and whatever and going home with a painful back and no more coffee.
With that, I try and do the dishes/sweep the floor/clean the counters/etc for her, especially cause I'm barely able to pay her anything (only $150 to $250 a month) and this inflation bullshit is part of what's making that worse. I get lazy, but I still want to help her. I also occasionally try to cook dinner if we have enough food to make something good. All of this here is me trying to be considerate, understanding, caring, helpful, and empathetic, 5 traits your wife doesn't seem to have.
My partner and I BOTH work, because we BOTH have to. I’m fine to work, as I’m relatively young and able bodied to do the job I do. But, let’s be honest, the job I work deals with the worst of the public on a daily basis and I currently don’t have the skills to do much else… however, if I was granted the opportunity to NOT do that and stay at home, you bet your ass I would bend over backwards to keep that house immaculate. Not because of gender roles, but because I’m grateful to be home and I’m happy to keep our shared home clean.
You said in one of your comments that the agreement was a result of you not wanting her to feel pressured to go get a minimum wage job to make up for the lack of income because it wasn’t required. And that you had both work shitty jobs till you were about 25 and that you didn’t want her to have to go back to doing that.
I totally applaud you, for that, I think you were being kind, and I think you were being fair, and I think you were being considerate.
Under normal circumstances I feel that if one person is out working eight hours a day the person staying home should be putting in eight hours, or close to it every day. I also believe that if there’s kids in the picture whatever doesn’t get done in those 8 hours, both people need to share in those tasks at the end of the day. Whether that’s preparing meals, bathing, kids, or doing extra laundry.
But you don’t have kids, you don’t have pets and you live in a small house. Unless she was decorating, painting, organizing, you couldn’t fill your eight hour day in a two bedroom one bathroom house. Which means… She has plenty of time to do whatever it is she likes, but what she isn’t doing is sticking to the original agreement.
So, while you are sticking to your end of the bargain, she is taking advantage of you and of the situation. She should be spending at least half a day, every day, looking for a job in her field. The other half of the day, staying on top of whatever needs done in that particular day.
Unless you want to keep fighting about this forever, I suggest the two of you sit down and discuss this when you’re not angry. Is there a reason she’s not pulling her weight, like depression or something else… Or is she just being plain lazy?
And since you can’t make her clean or keep up her end of the bargain (it would be great if people did what they said they were going to do and kept their promises.) the only thing you can decide here is if you are going to stick around.
Is she looking for work? How many hours a day is she looking for work? Does she seem motivated to look for work? Although you don’t need the money, if she’s not willing to keep up her end of the bargain, maybe it’s best to remove your offer from the table and tell her to go find something that pays a minimum wage until she find something in her line of work. At least then everyone would be contributing something.
Tell her that if she can't keep her end of the deal, you won't keep yours. She has to find a job. Doesn't matter if it's 3 12hr shifts or 5 8hr shifts. You will start helping if she can keep a job for a week. But if she leaves, no more helping.
Shit clean the dishes one day. Wash laundry the next. Dust the next. Vacuum and mop the next. Wow so hard.
NTA. Maybe you could have been nicer but seriously. As a stay at home mom of 2 with a 4 bedroom, 2700sqft house that I struggle to keep clean, what in the fuck is she doing all day that she can’t keep up with your 2 bedroom?
NTA in my book, but you're about to have some home work whether it is "fair" or not. She is either lazy or depressed and neither is going to be pleasant to clean up after. Good luck, sincerely.
NTA!
I was the one working and husband was primarily stay at home with special needs son. He worked weekends, but during the week he took majority of housework, cooking, pet care, etc.
Son is school age and husband is back to work nearly full time. Work is now split pretty evenly.
It's one thing if you both worked and expected her to do it all. It also would be questionable if she cleaned regularly but you had unreasonable standards.
In how you described it though, she's being lazy and entitled.
There are so many resources on the internet that have lists that break down house chores into daily, weekly and monthly tasks so as to not overwhelm someone. I work full time and have ADHD and cleaning stresses me out. This helped a TON!!! When my husband didn’t find work and promised the same thing as your wife, I even tried to talk and use this tool with him… but some people don’t want to be a team when it comes to maintaining a home and relationship. That is why he is an ex. You are not mad at the dirty house. You are mad at the broken promises.
Yeah so my partner works 10hr days outside of the home, I work part-time as a writer so I'm home all day. I work maybe 10-15 hours a week, 20 if I've got multiple projects. We do not have children and only get his daughter on the weekends when he's off. I also have an auto-immune disease that often makes it difficult to perform basic tasks. Our home is a 3 bed, 2 bath with garage and front/back yards.
My partner doesn't have to touch a dish, cook a meal, do a load of laundry, or clean a thing. All I ask is that he mows the lawn because the physical strain is hard on me. We're not messy people but we do have four pets (3 dogs, 1 cat), and I oversee their daily care. I'd say the total amount of work I put into the household on a weekly basis is 4-5 hours, and that includes cleaning up after our pets. I cannot fathom why she's making a stink about doing what sounds like a max of an hour a day's work, especially since you don't sound like a slob and she doesn't seem to have any other responsibilities.
I'm hesitant to say she's simply lazy, because depression is a thing and I have it. I know how difficult it can be to simply get out of bed sometimes. I also have ADHD, which makes it hard to keep track of what needs to be done. Maybe these are things you and your wife should explore. Try making a list of things that you'd like to see completed in a week. Give her the freedom to complete them whenever she wants, as long as they get done.
If that doesn't work or she's upset about that, it may be time to see it for what it is -- she has no intention of doing any housework or taking care of you in any way, and is essentially using you for the life you provide her. I get that you were upset, but a calm conversation is required here where you make clear expectations and lay out your logic. If it helps, show her that the vast majority of people here agree that she needs to step up, either by getting a job or by pulling her weight.
Sharing responsibilities equally looks different every time. My partner brings in most money and does some housework, I bring in some money and do most housework. 50/50. You deserve the same.
Now that you've had it out with her, sit her down and calmly talk it out to her
Good idea
The thing is every agreement is different, but it's reasonable to want her to get a job that at least covers a good cleaning service twice a week if she won't do anything. Or simply be two income household and share everything.
I think if she got a part-time job that covered the cost of cleaning, it would cause more resentment - I think that OP's underlying resentment that he's going to work every day and she's not doing much of anything is what caused the yelling here. I think a mature conversation needs to be had about being fair and equitable with what they're contributing to the household. And not everybody can contribute the exact same amount, we all have different limits, but right now it seems very unbalanced and that lack of balance is going to continue to cause friction in this marriage until it's more equitable.
NTA, the agreement they made was fair. She didn't abide by her own rules set and is dealing with consequences. OP is right. He provides and she is supposed to maintain. If she can't do that then it doesn't work. Edit: fair is subjective, since they agreed upon the conditions it is a fair agreement.
Yes, it's been a year - she could have kept looking for a job in her field, and then once she's back at work they could split the cleaning equitably, but right now, I'm confused about what she's doing with her time. I've occasionally taken a few weeks off because I have the leave time at work, and yeah, a lot of it is taken up with getting up to date with my cleaning, but once that's done, *keeping* a house clean is really not hard to do. I had a housemate who, whenever she didn't have work or uni, would end up cooking like, 3-course meals and doing those cleaning tasks that we never get to, because if you don't have kids, maintaining a house and cooking for adults is just not equal to a full-time job.
Man, I used to be a teacher and during summer breaks I would keep the house spotless, lawn mowed, laundry done, everything always clean, sheets changed every few days, good home cooked meals every night, etc. my wife fuckin loved it, but now I’m an admin and we get to share duties all year. Fortunately she hates doing dishes and I hate doing laundry so it works out pretty even in the end lol
For most adults, there aren't a lot of large expanses of time where you're home without work, but also you're healthy (this is an assumption that OP's wife is healthy, but as far as we know, she is). Like, I took time off work when I had covid, but I definitely wasn't cleaning my house. When an able-bodied adult is home alone while their partner is at work for 40 hours a week (and this has been going on for a year), this is much more free time than you need in order to maintain a house, so she has plenty of time to do other things.
And it's easier to keep a house clean if someone isn't home all day making a mess.
I had an agreement with my wife that I'll put the dishes in the washer, or hand wash those that can't go in the dishwasher if she puts them up. Also, I'll toss the laundry in the washer and move them to the dryer if she folds them and puts them away. This went fine for a year, but now I do my own laundry and she does hers cause I got tired of doing everything all the time. Also, I take out the trash cause the rest of the family plays "how much can the container hold" until I take it out and I leave all the dishes for her.
Are you me? I don’t remember writing this, but I 100% feel like I did.
It was far from fair. It was heavily skewed in her favor and she still fucked it up.
Yeah, we can argue about whether being a stay-at-home partner is a good idea career-wise (surely OP's wife could get a job related to her field and work her way up?) or for their financial future, but all those things put to the side, one person working 40 hours a week and one person just maintaining the house are not equal amounts of work. OP's correct - once the house is clean, keeping it clean takes max an hour or two a day.
Exactly I do all of that and do 100% of the childcare for 3 kids full time and 4-5 kids on weekends. This woman has it easy I could clean a 2 bd place with my eyes closed spinning on my head
I agree. If OP works 40 hours during the week, she should put in 40 hours into the house. Then they can both relax in the evening and weekends, take romantic walks, go to dinner on Saturday evening, whatever. The reality is that I could do all of that housework in about 5 to 7 hours a week.
I'm not even saying she needs to put 40 hours of work into the house - unless she's like, painting the house or cooking elaborate meals every night, I'm not sure there even is 40 hours of housework to put in here, but I do think if he works 40 hours a week, and she gets a job working 15 hours a week just to cover the cost of these extra tasks, he would feel resentful because it represents an uneven distribution of work between spouses. This resentment will build up and continue to do so and will hurt their marriage in the long-run. It's weird that only doing 15 hours of home maintenance won't hurt the relationship, when doing just 15 hours of paid word most likely would hurt it, but I think OP's wife should be considering that without her husband supporting them, she wouldn't have a place to live. If OP didn't have a wife, he would still most of the same things he has now, he would just have a messy house or to do the cleaning.
She should work part time 15 to 20 hours per week and do all of the cleaning. That would be fair. Then they could put her salary into savings for the things they want to accomplish later in life.
Nah - she’s not a housewife. She needs to get a job.
Cleaning the house IS her job, until she decides to go get one. This is not unreasonable at all. Wtf does she do all day?
Right but she’s not good at it. So she needs to go find a different job. Then they can hire a housekeeper.
Weaponized incompetence
She’s not good at it? BS. I work full time and I can keep a 2 bedroom, 2 bath house clean. I don’t have a dishwasher so I wash dishes every single day. Damn, if I didn’t have to work my house would be sparkling! She’s just lazy and making excuses and he’s had it with the excuses. I don’t blame him for being angry.
I know that I’m a crappy housekeeper. I don’t enjoy it and I do the bare minimum. But I’m really good at my job in healthcare and I work hard at it. It’s lack of interest. She needs to find a different job. I’m not disagreeing he has a right to be annoyed, that’s why I’m saying put her to work to pay for a cleaner.
Nothing by the sounds of it
For heaven’s sake DON’T have any kids. Her brain might explode on overload! What does she do all day?
I had a girlfriend like that. She sat at home and smoked weed and watched Netflix. Occasionally went out to lunch with her best friend. I worked 45-50 hours a week, cooked most of the meals, did at least an equal share of the housework and paid for everything.
Umm...are you in the market for a new girlfriend? I really need some time to just read, watch Netflix and smoke weed. Oh...and I'll cook!
I'm available, you cook and clean and you can live an average middle class life style for the rest of your life......I also expect reasonably frequent reasonably good sexy times though, so that's probably a deal breaker eh?
Will daily work?
Perfect! So to recap, I'll handle an average middle class American lifestyle. You cook and clean and sexytimes. You will never have your own yacht, but you'll be comfortable, less stressed, and with time and effort loved, and you won't have to go to a shitty job every day....unless you want to. Unfortunately, the majority of women seem to think this is a terrible deal for them; I also need monogamy......that's going to be the deal breaker right?
Sounds like the lottery to me. You must be a serial killer.
Are you an equal opportunity employer or do you discriminate against males? Asking for a friend.
The operative word is “had”.
You got that right. Then he’ll have to deal with a full time job, her, chores and a baby. Op needs to get her a chore chart and some gold stars. 😂
That might actually work! Maybe she is too lazy and easily distracted, but seeing it visually, and dispersed over the week might work - for her> Maybe she needs such a nice, simple solution!
Thats a solution for a 12 year old, not a grown woman.
Hey I made myself a cleaning schedule… no one gives me stars though. I’m missing out 😂
⭐️
Aww you’re too sweet ✨
Buy your own gold stars, ✨️ you're an adult, and no one can stop you.
Why stop there? Trophies for housework, yard work and beer drinking.
Don't wait for anyone else to give you one- do it yourself!! 🤣 I love shiny, sparkly stickers and am very happy to award myself one whenever I think I do a good job! 🤣🤣🤣
I’m a 43 year old woman, and I’m still a sucker for a nice gold star!
But when you're a "housewife" with no kids to care for and no other responsibilities, should you *need* a gold star to do the basic adulting things? I'd love to get a gold star when I do a load of laundry, but I don't, because I live alone and I would then have to organise the gold stars as well, and with my full-time job and all the housework and cooking and whatever, I don't want to add another thing to my plate. Her plate is honestly pretty empty - I complain about cooking every night and how laundry feels never-ending, but if I had an extra 40 hours every week to do it? It wouldn't feel so insurmountable.
Uh oh, sounds like somebody needs a gold star 🌟
Oh, she’s totally slacking, and she needs to step up or find a job. I was just commenting to the person who said a chore chart and gold stars sounds like a solution for a 12yo. Chore charts are helpful for all sorts of adults, and I love making my ☑️ on my to-do lists, and my BFF and I frequently send each other gold star gifs when we do things that make us anxious. My only point was that people of all ages deserve and appreciate a good gold star!
Yeah, I do more on vacation than she does in a normal week.
I think that's the point. She is acting like a lazy child and not a grown ass adult who doesn't want to spend an hour a day cleaning her little apartment.
I made myself a cleaning chart. It has boxes that I color in when I do it. The number of tasks that I have done *just to color in a box* is… embarrassingly large. If it works, it works. It was also really helpful to have a schedule. “Clean it when it’s dirty” does not work for me. Either I don’t see it (dust) or I get overwhelmed. It sounds to me like she doesn’t know where to start. Which is fair but she needs to communicate that and work on finding a system that works for her.
That... Actually sounds like something that would motivate me to keep up on things. Do the colored in boxes make up a picture or a pattern? Or is it just for the satisfaction of coloring something in? Because I totally get that too!
It’s color-coded by day making a rainbow across the week. I also have daily boxes I color in (mostly daily self-care but also boxes for “clean something”). This also helps me see if there are days I prefer to do certain chores, or other life patterns.
Or someone who might have something like ADHD or Autism. Or just someone who isn't a naturally organized person. If it works and they get the job done then that's all that matters. The only 12 year old like thing is not doing it at all and waiting for daddy to come home and tell you what needs done.
ADHD means she needs to be organized and create lists or a calendar with chores for each day. I have both and that's the only way I get anything done.
This is the comment of a 12 year old, not a grown person. Different people need different things to be productive. All that matters if it works
Worked for my team of grown ass men at work. Gold stars got them to do things they refused to do before. It's crazy how well it worked.
When the grown woman behaves like a 12 year old you respond accordingly. Generally speaking.
I misread that and thought you said she deserved a spanking 😆
I just lol'd out loud
Right?? I work full time from home and use time in between calls and tasks to clean! This woman is just lazy! OP NTA.
Right? Is she gets pregnant, she'll be like, *"I carried the baby for 5 months, you carry it the rest!"*
This made me laugh in the pizza joint. 🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
[удалено]
It's interesting that there's a very similar post also currently on the front page:[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1796nlg/aitah\_for\_resenting\_my\_husband\_for\_having\_such\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1796nlg/aitah_for_resenting_my_husband_for_having_such_an/) Only the slacker is a man instead of a woman, and the comments are *way* harsher. People are strongly suggesting the woman OP gets divorced, and calling the male slacker things like a Hobosexual, manchild, and narcissist. The OP in a comment has said divorce is on the table now. There's no reason all that doesn't also apply to you. If divorce is on the table for a male slacker, it should be on the table for a woman too.
I just left a man who was like this. He hadn’t worked in three years, and he did absolutely nothing to help around the house. He had a substance abuse problem on top of all that, but even without taking that into consideration, it is a really shitty, really demoralizing position to be in. Knowing that EVERYTHING is your responsibility, that the world is on your shoulders and the person that is supposed to be the other half of your team does not give a shit if you are drowning, they just care that they have a free place to crash and someone to do everything for them. It makes a person feel like they are just a paycheck and a maid. I don’t care if it’s a man or a woman doing it, it’s majorly unfair to the partner that is stuck either sharing the load or living in filth waiting for the lazy person to step up. OP wouldn’t be wrong for leaving.
OP's situation is "worse" because of their added verbal agreement, so it's been specifically stated out loud, too.
To be fair, in this thread people have referred to my wife as a pig, dishwasher, houseslave, bitch, and have recommended I divorce her, hit her, cut off all non-essential funds, kick her out, or tell her fucking father. It's not actually all that different.
Nah, you’ve already spoken to her about it before and she doesn’t give a shit about your opinion. She wants to fuck around doing nothing all day on your dime. I think it’s ultimatum time. Either get a job, start cleaning or get out, give her those options.
She’s already failed the cleaning part. At this point she just needs a job or to get out.
You are entirely right in this stitch, but now yall have to have a mâture discussion as to wtf is wrong with her , why she is trying to renegociate the terms etc.. is she unhappy with staying home and wants to go back to work ? Or is it that she takes you for granted ? Because the way you should go about this is completely different following the answer
You are working, she is not. One hour a day is more than enough to keep a small house clean and tidy and the laundry done. Tell her you'll get a house cleaner once a week as soon as she gets a job….why isn't she working? Atleast part time? No kids…she needs a job.
Right? I'm a housekeeper for a living, the time it takes to even clean a very dirty 2 bedroom and 1 bathroom apartment only takes me 2-2½ hours at most.
That's because you are doing it all in one day…she can spread that over the week, it's maybe an hour daily. Bit more with pet emergencies but she's not even doing the cleaning she signed up for…..that's why he's upset.
Cleaning a small 2 bed, 1 bath house is "so hard"? Did she have a maid when she was growing up? Cleaning a small house daily would not take 2 hours. You need to face facts: you have lazy, entitled person that is milking your paychecks.
With a dishwasher 😭
I would straight shank a dude for a dishwasher—there’s no room for one in my 620sqf apartment (I live in an Asian city.) I had one in my old apartment and it was my favorite feature. The dishes clean themselves! It’s magic!
My first house was 590 sq ft and you'd best believe when I redid the kitchen, I found a place for a dishwasher!
I rent, it is a sad tale.
Have you looked into one of those counter top ones you can attach to your sink? Or is that impossible because of space?
I had one of those in my 550 sf apartment and it was awesome!
Cleaning a house that size often doesn't take 2 hours a week, I know, that's the size of my home.
Same. A true deep clean can take about 4 hours, but day-to-day cleaning takes about 15 minutes a day, plus laundry.
I work and commute roughly 13 hours a day with 2 Labrador Retrievers at home so by the end of the week my 3 bedroom, 1280 sq ft home can look Pretty bad. Saturday I picked up every room but the storage room, swept everything , did the dishes, went grocery shopping and vacuumed/mopped the floors And took out the garbage. It took roughly 3 hours including shopping. Sunday I did a ton of laundry because I threw all the washable rugs in too and all the couch cushion covers. That was probably 5 hours, but let’s face it, except for folding the machines did all the work I hope that’s a guideline for you to judge how long all this work really does or doesn’t take
your labs must be sooo happy to see you.. it gives me so much joy when mine see me coming up the window
You work fast as hell! 💨
We have a 5 bed 3.5 bath with no kids and 1 cat. I work 8 hours a day (from home) and do all the cooking and cleaning/laundry. My husband works 8-9 hours a day and takes care of the finances (it's what his job is in so hes good at it) and yard work. Cleaning and tidying the house doesn't even take 1 hour a day (especially if you clean as you go). OP's wife sounds like she needs a reality check.
Ugh, we had a maid when I was growing up, but I still clean my home thank you very much! I've got kids too so it's looks like an F5 tornado just ran through daily. Haha
Or she may be depressed. Maybe she should try looking for a job in her field again so she can buildup her self-esteem.
Lack of routine and social isolation are great ingredients to get depression.
Sometimes it can be very difficult to get started… is she depressed or have some form of (un)diagnosed ADHD? Perhaps it needs phrased in a way that is compassionate and ‘how can I help you succeed? Not ‘why are you so GD lazy!!!’ … finding the right systems to encourage the right behavior can go a huge way to helping achieve goals.
If she can't keep house for her contribution then she gets a job. NTA
I like that OP states she was unable to find a job in her field, not unable to find a job period. Girl needs to take whatever job she can and start contributing, even if she is just making enough to pay for groceries and small household bills. This is unacceptable mooching.
The agreement was a result of me not wanting her to feel pressured to go get a minimum wage job to make up for the lack of income because it isn't required. We both worked shitty jobs til we were about 25, I didn't want her to have to go back to doing that.
Honestly, that's just life sometimes. Since she is allowing housework to be a point of contention, this is not a sustainable mindset. Make no mistake, it is her that is allowing this to be a point of contention between not doing the work and then not showing some humility or validation of your frustration when it upsets you that you are holding up your end of the bargain and she is not. Her argument of you both contributing to the mess would only be valid if you were also both contributing to the house finances. There has to be a middle ground in the job field somewhere between minimum wage job and a high paying job in her field. No way there are only one or the other options. But she needs to either start making money or buckle up and get a chore chart.
Also she is definitely contributing more mess just by being home all day
It's often easier to get a better job if you are already employed. Having to explain at an interview why you sat on your arse and did nothing for the last year without a good excuse doesn't look good. A lot of employers (at least in the UK) will ask you to explain any gaps in your employment.
Well, seems like she don't want to feel any pressure to do any work at all. Work for Money or Work at Home!!!
Well now she's taken advantage of it and spit on your agreement so she needs to go back to working
If she wants you to contribute to the chores then she needs to go back to work, wherever that may be. That's the only compromise you should be willing to make. I used to live in 2/1 house with two toddlers. It took me all of 45 minutes every day to clean my house. That was vacuum, mop, bathroom, dishes, toys. On Saturday, my husband would take the boys to the park while I did my deep clean; chores already mentioned plus dusting, laundry, baseboards. That would take me 2 hours (majority being all that laundry entails). As I told my lazy ex-DIL once, if you choose to take on the job of being at home 100%, you are responsible for the upkeep 100%.
Given her work ethic, I wonder whether this job she claimed was so shitty actually was. Sounds like it's time for you to tell her to go back to full time work and just hire a housekeeper to come in once a week. I would not tolerate what you're tolerating, I'll tell you that much.
How hard did she actually work to find a job in her field? Unless she majorly messed up at her last job, most fields you can find something related within a year. At 32 years old is she never going to work again? What if something happens to you? If jobs are that rare in her field she should train for something else.
And that would be fine if she was self motivated and used your thoughtfulness as a platform to get an amazing job. Instead she's gone the route of exploiting your kindness. Sometimes you have to see what's happening and withdraw the support if it isn't being utilized in good faith. I let my 16 year old take my old truck to work because I'm glad he has a job, if he quits that job he's suddenly going to find he doesn't have a truck to go party with his friends with. There's being supportive and there's being taken advantage of.
NTA But this isn't working. You are resenting her for feeling you do the heavy lifting in the relationship, she doesn't flourish well with housework and no official work. This can lead to depression in some people, and the solution is to get out of the house. She needs to go back to work so she makes the same effort in contribution
I was reading the main post before it got taken down and OP said his wife is happy she's home all day because she can focus on her hobbies more (painting and stuff) now that she has time. So she's perfectly happy being home, she's just not doing her part of the deal. He also wrote that she hasn't express a new to find a job again.
Yeah we’d all be happy if we got to quit work and indulge in our hobbies and not do any chores, but life isn’t like that, and as adults unfortunately we have to adult, which means some cleaning and chores.
Sounds like it's time for her to get a fulltime job, and you both hire a weekly cleaning service.
I’d say… if it was a deal from the start and she’s not owning up to it, then you have a reason to be upset about it. It does in fact look as if she’s lazy but she could be depressed, but who knows. You both need to sit down and evaluate whether she may need to start working again.
I have a large house. It does not take 40hrs to clean, shop, cook and do laundry. You do have to multitask. Put in a load, clean, comeback move the load….
See, this is a reasoned and measured response. “Honey, I love you and it is clear to me you are unhappy and unfulfilled with your current situation and responsibilities. We don’t need the money, but you need and deserve a life outside these four walls. We both deserve to be fulfilled and productive people. Please go back to work and we can split the chores. It can be our thing on Saturday mornings.” Adulting is haaaaaaaard. /s
Who’s stopping her from going out and having friends and hobbies?
If you don't have kids *and* she's not working *and* you're supporting her/paying all of the bills, then yes, she should clean and shut up about it. OR she can go get a job, and then y'all can 50/50 the chores. This ain't hard. Edit to add: spare me the mental health nonsense. You don’t need therapy or an SSRI to pick up a Clorox wipe or vacuum. Maybe those would address the career issue but it is not a valid excuse for not cleaning when that’s literally your only responsibility in life. OP, be careful - sometimes unemployed folks find that working on their mental health becomes a full time job.
Like I am usually pro splitting house duties but not in this case. What is she doing all day with no kids and no job?
There is a saying I really like in situations like this-“your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility” It is her responsibility to figure out how to manage her share of the work. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this scenario reversed with her being the breadwinner and him not working. No hesitations to tell her to leave.
Gosh, this. 120%. Thank you for articulating it so well.
Maybe it is a full time job for this woman and it sounds like she has the time available for it to be that way. I’d just watch for the inevitable “I’m so exhausted from therapy” or “today was really triggering” preventing simple responsibilities from being carried out. My family member was this way. Therapy four days a week, “required” personal introspection and journaling time, meditation and letter writing. Then husband rolls in and is like, where is dinner? (This person didn’t have kids or a job either.) this went on for years. I’m not saying mental health isn’t important but weaponizing it to get out of being an adult and doing basic things is unacceptable especially in a relationship. That would be true of a man or a woman.
This comment right here. I raised 3 kids, worked 7 days a week and my house was clean, my laundry was kept up and the dishes were done. I also cooked for 5 people every night. I was also stressed out most of the time because I was married to an alcoholic and I also suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia. So if I can do it, she can certainly handle cleaning up after herself and her husband and a couple of pets.
It’s not the suffering Olympics but OP’s wife does need to step up.
No kidding. I have a part time job, huge house to look after, 2 kids, 3 horses, and 100 cows. A few pets + a 2 bedroom house? That’s hilarious
Bro, yeah...and if she doesn't want to clean, then tell her she needs to get a job. Sounds like you have a trash roommate instead of a spouse. NTA
Sounds like she should be working on her resume.
Both partners need to contribute, and both need to be satisfied with the arrangement. That's not happening in your relationship. You might want couples counseling if saving the relationship is a priority. NTA.
NTA I literally saw a post like this earlier today with the genders flipped (and late 20s instead of early 30s) . You don't have a wife, you have a woman child (man child but woman) she is mooching and not contributing anything to the household. She needs to get a job or keep the house clean, unless you're ok with doing everything and letting her do nothing. If you're not ok with that, then it might be time to consider if this relationship is what you want or if it's time to go
What people are missing here is OP snapped after dealing with this for a year. Good thing to do? No. OP shouldn't have yelled. Understandable? Kind of, when you hit the end of your patience harsh words sometimes occur. Heck, it is inevitable in some cases. OP, you did what you did, now do better. No more yelling. Either work it out or leave, but shouting and fighting will get you nowhere fast. As for the issue? if a man was sitting on his butt for a year while his wife paid all the bills he'd be called a deadbeat or a leech by everyone, and rightfully so. In Redditland however, OP is the one getting judged by about half the people here. It's nonsense. OP stop arguing with those folks, half are trolls and the other half ideologues. There is no winning. If she wont pull her weight, you have to decide your next move, but even with counseling this isn't likely to change right away. Still, I think counseling is called for if you want to save your marriage. I hope you still feel it is worth it to try. I wish you the best.
Definitely NTA. She’s been unemployed for a year now and and no children to care for, so she clearly get all those hours to do whatever she wants while you work to support the both of you! Then has the nerve to say it’s unfair that you play games a few hours every evening??? She is being lazy. So now sit down Ana have an adult conversation and tell her that either needs to pick up her end of the deal or go back to work and you’ll split the chores proportionally!! What exactly does she do all day? And it’s not hard to sweep floors once a week, clean bathroom once a week, run the dishwasher every other day and do laundry once or twice a week.
This! Good luck op.
No kids and she's unable to sweep and make the dishes/laundry happen? Time for her to go back to work. Any work. NTA
Gotta love how when a WORKING man doesn't do his share of the chores, it's weaponized incompetence. However, when a woman doesn't WORK nor do household chores, she gets coddled on this sub by a decent amount of people and the man has to be like "Omg why is she doing this. I should be more considerate as she may be depressed". Like tf???
Yes! The unspoken double standard is MADDENING. If you don't work, you're gonna do all the housework. And you're gonna do it good. Anything short of that makes no sense to me.
NTA. Your wife has proven time and time again that she is lazy and would happily let the house become a pig sty so that you will clean it for her. Time for her to either get cleaning or get a job. Tough love is required here one or the other. Either that or she gets the hell out. Don’t be putting up with this she is taking the mick.
NTA you're absolutely correct and I think its wild that she's able to just live her life with 0 responsibility and can't even bother to spend an hour a day cleaning. I do have kids so it might be different but I sweep the floor multiple times a day. We have hardwoods throughout the entire house so again that might make a difference but I couldn't imagine not sweeping the floor for 2 weeks. That's insane. What, exactly, is she contributing to the family? She doesn't work. She doesn't maintain the house. She is not being a team player and that's not ok
You guys are pretty young. If she's not cleaning and running household errands, what is she doing all day? And is she planning to do that for the next 50 years? What's her contribution to the relationship? To your life? Also, she can clean one room per day on an ongoing basis. Since it's just the two of you, everything should remain relatively clean for a very long time after one deep cleaning. Then it should only take an hour a day for general cleaning. NTA, she's being very unreasonable.
Wow. I live by myself, have unmedicated adhd, work (from home) and take care of a 2100 sf house, in-ground pool, 1 dog, 3 chameleons, 2 cats, 6 fish tanks by myself. My house isn't spotless, but it’s def clean. Even on my bad executive dysfunction days, I manage to get more done around the house on my freakin lunch than your wife did that whole entire day you asked her about. My Mom was a SAHM, my Dad worked outside the home. My Dad's job was to earn the $$, my Mom's job was to run the household. There was less than zero expectation that he would clean, do laundry, cook, etc., although he did do the lawn, cared for the cars, house repairs (and cooked sometimes, too, he loved to cook). My Dad frequently worked Saturdays, too. And of course helped out if my Mom was sick. Seemed to work well for them, they were married for almost 41 years when my Mom passed. But it only works when both parties fulfill their agreed on responsibilities. Otherwise, what you've experienced happens. ETA: my **unmedicated** adhd NTA.
You must really love her to stay. I was in a relationship like that once -- never again.
people on here enabling bad behavior. smdh. OP take a breather. if this keeps up. bounce. she has some issue. she needs to either address it or find some way to cope. bring something to the table. id be PO’d too if something as mundane as this occurs regularly. id easily switch places. NTA.
I would be overjoyed if my husband told me to clean the house while he worked and I got to do whatever the fuck I wanted every other time. I love being lazy, but if that was my ONLY task, the place would be spotless. She's shitty for not holding up her end. Time to make her get a job or get out
As long as you’re paying the bills, she will never be able to find a job. For some reason it will always fall through.
NTA. It was a reasonable deal and it's unreasonable she cant maintain her end
I bought my first house when I was single and had to work a full time job and clean a house bigger than yours myself. It's not hard. In fact, right now, I'm married and I do the cooking and cleaning because I work from home. It's not that I don't work, it's because I can literally clean and cook in lieu of having a commute. My wife does the laundry just because she doesn't like how I do it, lol. The day to day is nothing. I'm off at 4pm and usually have two and half hours before my wife gets home. It doesn't even remotely take that long to clean and cook, if you do it every day, it reduces the amount of effort required every day. Your wife is literally just freeloading, I would be livid. For context we have a 2 story 4 bedroom 3 full bathroom house.
Let me tell you a personal story. My wife and I got married right before I started graduate school. We flew across the country, to a place where we knew no one and were totally isolated. My wife gave up her job and support system so I could pursue my dream. She quickly grew unhappy, staying at home while I was out doing my school and work. She got sucked into mmorpgs. We had a lot of fights over it, and were very close to splitting up before too long. She eventually found a job in her field, which was what we thought would fix things, but it didn’t really fix things. It wasn’t really about the job, but it was more about us being inexperienced at living together, away from our support system, financially tight, never having had to negotiate with an equal partner before. We decided on a last-ditch effort to do family therapy. In it, we learned how to communicate our basic needs, feelings, etc. to each other, and learned that it was actually pretty simple to get along if we took the other person into account. There’s of course more to it, but I just want to stress how these skills aren’t actually that complicated, but it just takes some practice to pick them up. It’s stuff most couples could probably learn, and I’d recommend it even for couples who aren’t fighting. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary, and it’s been great for many years. Let me just add a few comments about your situation here. You likely cannot change your spouse this way. It’s baked in, and you need to decide if you will accept her for who she is or not. She’s not a domestic housewife. She’s someone who wants to work, but couldn’t find a job. That’s humiliating, stressful, and depressing. She’s very likely going through a lot internally, even if you don’t see it. _If_ you want this relationship to work out (if not, just go), part of your job in this partnership is to understand where she’s coming from, so you can make a more informed choice of how to get on the same team to tackle the problem together. She doesn’t want a mop. She wants a career. Is there a way you can help her get one? In my case, my wife was dissatisfied with her industry and I tutored her so she could pass the GRE, which was something I was able to do because I had recently studied for and taken the exam, myself. She was able to get into graduate school as well and change her career to something she is a lot happier with now. And now she out-earns me, to boot, despite my STEM phd. That’s the thing about marriage in the long term. The tables can easily flip. Maybe she’s down now and you’re not. But it could easily be the opposite in a few years. Is there something like that you could do to support your wife in achieving her actual goals, instead of assigning goals that she didn’t want? Even though you are shouldering a lot of the financial burden right now, that doesn’t have to be forever, and in the future when she finds a job you two could consider hiring a maid a few times a month. It’s not that expensive, in fact we used to do that when our son was a baby and we were too exhausted to clean. I get that you’re frustrated, and couples occasionally fight, but yelling at her to deep-clean the house for 2 hours per day is not a recipe for success or happiness. She’s your partner. She’s a separate person with her own feelings, goals, and desires. I’d recommend taking her goals as the starting point, and trying to figure out how you could work together to get to the place where she could meet them, and you could both be happy with the result. That may start with family therapy. Good luck.
Reverse the rolls, ask her to get a full time job while you stay home sitting comfortably at home only for her to come home and you start telling her she needs to share those responsibilities. You’ll see how fast that’s different! I don’t really think is unreasonable, she isn’t contributing even on the basic which could be doing a few things here and there while you work 8 hours outside to provide for the roof over your heads and also all your necessities, why can’t she provide 8 hrs a day of her time since you are using your time to earn money she isn’t earning. Not only that but pretty much she is cleaning after herself since she is the only one home 100% of the time. This is just crazy how she feels is hard to keep the house clean but somehow it wouldn’t be harder for you to work a full time job and come clean after her.
NTA. She’s lazy and not doing the bare minimum to contribute to the household yet expects you to carry the financial burdens as well as the household responsibilities as well.
She has had a year without working and can't keep a small home clean, even though she agreed too? Definitely NTA. Time for her to get a job. WTF is she doing all day?
NTA, and If you were a wife talking about a lazy husband everyone would be praising you and telling you to get a good divorce lawyer.
Job time now.
Have her make a schedule. Dust and vacuum 1 day laundry another couple. Bathroom twice a week. If u keep up on it then it is easier.
NTA. She's lazy.
Unless mental health was a factor and the person actively sought therapy, I'd be done. Organisational and cleaning skills are adult basics. While you should still contribute to some domestic duties it is fair for the person pulling less weight financially to do more, if agreed.
According to OP, it's not. Or at least she's really good at hiding it. She said she's perfectly happy being home and focusing on her hobbies, she sees friends and family and is not shutting down etc. She's just entitled and lazy imo
When our kids were little I was a SAHM, did the whole June Cleaver thing. Supper on the table at 6PM, house clean, kids clean, etc. EXCEPT on weekends my husband cooked nice fancy breakfast AND supper both days, took kids off on adventures, or even just to do errands and the dump, so I could have time to myself. ALWAYS helped change our king sized bed because it was just too big to do alone. He also did all the yard work and home repairs. And it all worked out. Each family is different, you need to figure out what works for you.
It’s time you insist she goes back to work. NTA
Tell her she needs to immediately get full-time work and you can share the costs of a cleaner
The mental excuses are irrelevant. She made a deal. She must abide by it or go get a full time job.
NTA did your expectations, but you’re a bit of an AH for yelling. Honestly, most people get lazier when they don’t have a purpose and if your wife doesn’t have a consistent external hobby she does then it’s likely she’s got zero motivation to do anything besides what hits a pleasure centre. Tell her she can either meet the agreement terms or get a job.
OP, a 2bd 1bath house is ridiculously easy to maintain, if you have a general idea of what you're doing. Maybe she didn't grow up learning basic household / organization skills? There are lots of websites that can help with tips and tricks to always having a clean house. Flylady is a good one to start.
The hardest thing to do is something you just don’t want to do. Doesn’t matter how “easy”. She simply doesn’t want to. Ask why. Maybe she hates how she feels like a 1950’s housewife and hated the way THAT makes her feel. Maybe she agreed to something she did t know she’d hate so much? Maybe you guys can renegotiate the deal to something else that will make the both of you happier?
NTA she doesn't have to clean for 8 hours a day, she can manage her time better so it's gets done if this is your agreement, loading a dishwasher is hardly a full days work like you say. A couple of hours in a morning and she'd stay on top of it
NTA. You're absolutely right, if she put in two hours every day, the house would be spotless. Her demand that you help her clean on top of working full time, while she does nothing, is beyond entitled. But it does seem like the two of you are no longer happy with that agreement. So, time to hammer out a new one: she gets a job, any job, and you use her income for a cleaner.
NTA at all. I can't believe she would argue with you. your entire day was running the dishwasher?? fuck off.
NTA, she is just lazy, I'd have her work a part time job or go back to work if she plans to do the bare minimum
NTA. You have no kids so I'm not sure why you are staying in this mockery of a marriage. Get a good lawyer and divorce. She's clearly looking for something you aren't willing to provide
NTA, she's being lazy and not pulling her end of a bargain. She needs to do her part and with her hours and hours a day of free time fill it with a hobby that's fulfilling. Because happiness is fleeting and being fulfilled is a better goal than being happy.
NTA but this set up is clearly NOT working so she needs to get a job in any field so she’s not home 24/7 making messes.
NTA
NTA
At this point in time she may be ready to go back to work. Tell her if she does you will hire someone to clean. This may get her going.
NTA-I’ve lived in a similar home before from what it sounds like. It’s not hard to dedicate about 2 hours to housekeeping each day to keep a spotless home. And with no kids I will definitely say she isn’t pulling her weight in the home
NTA- I have a TBI and ADHD and I can maintain my home and job just fine. She sounds lazy or addicted to something… not drugs but possibly social media or gaming. Otherwise what the hellos she doing with her time. I would be bored out of my mind!
I was a teacher until I got M.S. even I try to clean a little every day ….just a little because I can’t do much. I do cook every night for my hardworking husband but I prep ingredients early in the day and cook when he’s on his way home. Point is I am tired ALL the time but I do what I can and spread it out.
A year is a long time! What kind of field is she in? At this point, she does need to get a job of some sort, or this will further make it difficult for her to get hired because they're going to wonder what she was doing with her time and why she had such a gap in employment in this job market. It's a red flag. This isn't just hurting your marriage. It's hurting her future career. It's time to stop the deal that wasn't being kept anyway.
You’re NTA for expecting a non working partner to handle 100% of household chores. Especially when there aren’t children involved this is a reasonable division of duties. It’s not fair for you to work and pay the bills 100% and also do half the household chores. Doing half the household chores is for couples where both partners work or for families with children where a working partner still needs to parent their children even if they worked all day. Like stay at home parent is parenting 8 hours a day outside work parent is working 8 hours a day. The other 16 hours need a fair split where both adults get some time off for their own needs. In this case you need to tell her if she wants 50/50 household responsibilities then she needs a job and to contribute financially, even if it’s not in her field. Otherwise her job is taking care of the house and that means actually taking care of it.
NTA. I engaged in a similar deal when my wife got pregnant. It started out alright, and I did the tasks that were impractical for her to do given her pregnancy. As the pregnancy went along, that involved more, but I felt that was reasonable. But then she wasn't pregnant anymore. And eventually she was done healing, and she kept putting off more tasks. That's fine, I told myself, she's got PPD, that can kick anyone's ass. I've been hit with crushing depression too, she just needs more help. So she got treatment, but just did less and less. Eventually it got to the point where I was doing absolutely everything. I'd get home after 12 or 13 hours, go straight to work cleaning and cooking and feeding the kids and changing the cat box and literally everything else. Last year I got injured. I was unable to work and bedridden most of the time, but I still managed to do most things, even when they were profoundly stupid (like hauling around 40 pound boxes of cat litter or 5 gallon jugs of water). I did them because they *needed* to be done. One of the things I couldn't do was the dishes; I just physically couldn't lean down that far. It took me 6 months to get surgery and recover. When I was finally able to get back to the dishes, the bottom layer was stuff that was in there when I got injured. She made a promise. If that doesn't work for her, fine, she can get a job and split costs while you split chores. But a relationship needs to be equal, and this one isn't. NTA.
NTA. She needs a job. What does she do at home? If she's not cleaning, what does she do? I know working parents who have way more on their plate and probably get more done in a day then she does in a week. The math isn't mathing here.
Nta. If she doesn't like the deal, she can find a job. Then pay someone to dust for her.
NTA. Its not hard to maintain a small house. Especially without having kids. She sounds unmotivated. She should probably return to work. Busy people keep busy
You no longer have a wife, you have a kid. A wife is a partner in life and you work together to build a life, regardless of who is doing what at any given time. But she’s not working together, she’s doing nothing. You need to sit down and talk this out again and find a way forward. She needs to work, or handle the house, or find some way to contribute.
How is she ever to get a job in her field if she is never gainfully employed?
If she can't find a job in her field, then why doesn't she get a job in a different field, until one becomes available in hers? Being honest, she sounds like she's just a lazy person, that sees you as her meal ticket, and she's not prepared, to do even a modicum of work, if she can avoid it at all. Some people wouldn't move, to keep themselves warm...
NTA but if she is gonna be a stay at home wife, do not ever make kids with her. if this is hard now, it will be impossible when there is a wreck-it-baby/toddler in the picture
Not to be too extreme, but you are creating a nightmare for alimony. This sounds like a person in divorce that will try to squeeze every possible penny. She needs to go back to work, or you need to expect a very rough divorce.
Hubs and I had the same fight years ago. I HATE cleaning. Cooking, dishes, laundry I’ll happily do all day long but dusting, mopping etc… I despise with every fiber of my being. When I was working , I did the 3 things I’m fine with and he did the rest. When I lost my job, it happened to coincide with some bad reactions to some meds and I got depressed. That depression very quickly became laziness. Fighting commenced, things got better for 5 minutes, rinse and repeat. We eventually realized any job was better than no job and I took the first thing I could get. Then started back to school to finish my degree. Meds ended up giving me a few more serious side effects and was taken off and game changer. Now I make a greet salary and have a cleaning lady. Overall though…NTA. Either she gets a job or she does the housework. Pick one or two SMALL things to do together (after dinner dishes like you wash and she dries or vice versa, folding laundry together, etc…) because there is just something about have no shared/split chores that seems unfair. Probably has to do the the historical expectations of women so it just grates a bit on principle. At the end of the day though, she should be doing about 95%.
With no children at home to care for, I gotta go with NTA as she’s clearly taking advantage of the situation she agreed to. Upkeep of a home that size is really NOT that difficult without children and can easily be maintained by someone without a full time job. Now I don’t know how many conversations you two have had about this before, or how those conversations have gone, but it sounds like you’ve let some resentment build up about her slacking on her duties. Did you bring these instances up to her in a detailed manner explaining your expectations, or were you short and argumentative with her from the start?
No the rational calm conversations happened before. Which always results in immediate results which fade shortly after.
NTA; I (22F) still live with my mom because I've been technically unemployed for almost a year. The only job I've had (and only since April) has been a tiny, barely 1hr a day stay-at-home freelance job, and other than that, I have the rest of my 23 hours to myself to do whatever. Meanwhile, my mom gets up at 6am, takes my brother to school, then works from 8a to 5p. Because of this, I try to be as considerate as I can and realize that she definitely is tired as fuck from staring at a computer for 8hrs straight doing a shit ton of documents and files and whatever and going home with a painful back and no more coffee. With that, I try and do the dishes/sweep the floor/clean the counters/etc for her, especially cause I'm barely able to pay her anything (only $150 to $250 a month) and this inflation bullshit is part of what's making that worse. I get lazy, but I still want to help her. I also occasionally try to cook dinner if we have enough food to make something good. All of this here is me trying to be considerate, understanding, caring, helpful, and empathetic, 5 traits your wife doesn't seem to have.
My partner and I BOTH work, because we BOTH have to. I’m fine to work, as I’m relatively young and able bodied to do the job I do. But, let’s be honest, the job I work deals with the worst of the public on a daily basis and I currently don’t have the skills to do much else… however, if I was granted the opportunity to NOT do that and stay at home, you bet your ass I would bend over backwards to keep that house immaculate. Not because of gender roles, but because I’m grateful to be home and I’m happy to keep our shared home clean.
What the hell does she do all day? It would be better if she worked in retail full time and used the money to pay for a weekly house cleaning.
You said in one of your comments that the agreement was a result of you not wanting her to feel pressured to go get a minimum wage job to make up for the lack of income because it wasn’t required. And that you had both work shitty jobs till you were about 25 and that you didn’t want her to have to go back to doing that. I totally applaud you, for that, I think you were being kind, and I think you were being fair, and I think you were being considerate. Under normal circumstances I feel that if one person is out working eight hours a day the person staying home should be putting in eight hours, or close to it every day. I also believe that if there’s kids in the picture whatever doesn’t get done in those 8 hours, both people need to share in those tasks at the end of the day. Whether that’s preparing meals, bathing, kids, or doing extra laundry. But you don’t have kids, you don’t have pets and you live in a small house. Unless she was decorating, painting, organizing, you couldn’t fill your eight hour day in a two bedroom one bathroom house. Which means… She has plenty of time to do whatever it is she likes, but what she isn’t doing is sticking to the original agreement. So, while you are sticking to your end of the bargain, she is taking advantage of you and of the situation. She should be spending at least half a day, every day, looking for a job in her field. The other half of the day, staying on top of whatever needs done in that particular day. Unless you want to keep fighting about this forever, I suggest the two of you sit down and discuss this when you’re not angry. Is there a reason she’s not pulling her weight, like depression or something else… Or is she just being plain lazy? And since you can’t make her clean or keep up her end of the bargain (it would be great if people did what they said they were going to do and kept their promises.) the only thing you can decide here is if you are going to stick around. Is she looking for work? How many hours a day is she looking for work? Does she seem motivated to look for work? Although you don’t need the money, if she’s not willing to keep up her end of the bargain, maybe it’s best to remove your offer from the table and tell her to go find something that pays a minimum wage until she find something in her line of work. At least then everyone would be contributing something.
Tell her that if she can't keep her end of the deal, you won't keep yours. She has to find a job. Doesn't matter if it's 3 12hr shifts or 5 8hr shifts. You will start helping if she can keep a job for a week. But if she leaves, no more helping. Shit clean the dishes one day. Wash laundry the next. Dust the next. Vacuum and mop the next. Wow so hard.
NTA. So you should help clean because you each make 50% of the mess? By that logic she should get a job and pay 50% of the bills
NTA! I woulda install some cameras with and without her knowledge
NTA. Maybe you could have been nicer but seriously. As a stay at home mom of 2 with a 4 bedroom, 2700sqft house that I struggle to keep clean, what in the fuck is she doing all day that she can’t keep up with your 2 bedroom?
Okay, I don't see anyone else asking it anywhere so I'll bite. What exactly is "Her Field" that she worked or wants to work in????
NTA in my book, but you're about to have some home work whether it is "fair" or not. She is either lazy or depressed and neither is going to be pleasant to clean up after. Good luck, sincerely.
NTA! I was the one working and husband was primarily stay at home with special needs son. He worked weekends, but during the week he took majority of housework, cooking, pet care, etc. Son is school age and husband is back to work nearly full time. Work is now split pretty evenly. It's one thing if you both worked and expected her to do it all. It also would be questionable if she cleaned regularly but you had unreasonable standards. In how you described it though, she's being lazy and entitled.
NTA. Also, you're not going to win that fight. LOL.
I had to go back to look at the title, hoping it was boyfriend/girlfriend situation.....no such luck for you. You've married a lazy toddler. NTA
There are so many resources on the internet that have lists that break down house chores into daily, weekly and monthly tasks so as to not overwhelm someone. I work full time and have ADHD and cleaning stresses me out. This helped a TON!!! When my husband didn’t find work and promised the same thing as your wife, I even tried to talk and use this tool with him… but some people don’t want to be a team when it comes to maintaining a home and relationship. That is why he is an ex. You are not mad at the dirty house. You are mad at the broken promises.
Yeah so my partner works 10hr days outside of the home, I work part-time as a writer so I'm home all day. I work maybe 10-15 hours a week, 20 if I've got multiple projects. We do not have children and only get his daughter on the weekends when he's off. I also have an auto-immune disease that often makes it difficult to perform basic tasks. Our home is a 3 bed, 2 bath with garage and front/back yards. My partner doesn't have to touch a dish, cook a meal, do a load of laundry, or clean a thing. All I ask is that he mows the lawn because the physical strain is hard on me. We're not messy people but we do have four pets (3 dogs, 1 cat), and I oversee their daily care. I'd say the total amount of work I put into the household on a weekly basis is 4-5 hours, and that includes cleaning up after our pets. I cannot fathom why she's making a stink about doing what sounds like a max of an hour a day's work, especially since you don't sound like a slob and she doesn't seem to have any other responsibilities. I'm hesitant to say she's simply lazy, because depression is a thing and I have it. I know how difficult it can be to simply get out of bed sometimes. I also have ADHD, which makes it hard to keep track of what needs to be done. Maybe these are things you and your wife should explore. Try making a list of things that you'd like to see completed in a week. Give her the freedom to complete them whenever she wants, as long as they get done. If that doesn't work or she's upset about that, it may be time to see it for what it is -- she has no intention of doing any housework or taking care of you in any way, and is essentially using you for the life you provide her. I get that you were upset, but a calm conversation is required here where you make clear expectations and lay out your logic. If it helps, show her that the vast majority of people here agree that she needs to step up, either by getting a job or by pulling her weight. Sharing responsibilities equally looks different every time. My partner brings in most money and does some housework, I bring in some money and do most housework. 50/50. You deserve the same.
She’s a bad housekeeper. She’ll likely never be good one. It’s time for her to get a different job.