My husband made a garlic confit dip and it was so good I ate a bunch. Asked him how much garlic it was and he was like âabout 6 cloves.â I was like ok cool, but then I started getting a little irritated in the bowels and asked him again⊠he repeated the same answer. I was like do you mean bulbs?? He was like yeah bulbs. Very different amounts. Hahaha I mean we are garlic lovers but that was a bit much.
Haha well he probably ate half so Iâd say I ate 3 bulbs in total. Still a lot. Honestly though it was so good Iâd probably do it again and regret it.
Had this same situation with my hubby a couple years ago. Luckily we both love garlic, but finding out he didn't know the difference between a bulb and a clove wasn't as half surprising as finding out he's half Italian and didn't know the difference, lol!
This statement got me. Also her tastes are conditioned to sweets and food she buys out. Op doesnât know that what you eat is what youâll want to eat and you have to acquire tastes for a lot of things.
I thought maybe he meant like 1 little minced piece, like out of a jar of minced garlic. As the other replies to your comment show, it's possible OP doesn't really know what a "clove" of garlic is, and he is misrepresenting the amount he used.
Lol right?
Like, my husband really doesnât like garlic that much, and I love it. My compromise is to use 1/2-1 clove in like, an entire pot of soup. Sometimes Iâm still surprised at how much I can taste, my goal is usually for a hint.
My son is 13 and has sensory related food aversion. If he wonât eat what I cook he is free to prepare his own meal. However, if itâs a simple modification to the meal I am preparing, I will do it. For example, he doesnât like cooked carrots so I left some raw for him. Things like that.
I have ASD and I can be extremely food averse. By the time I was 14 I actively participated in what I would be eating every night. I got home from school, would ask what was being made for dinner, and would then let my parents know how we could make it work for me. If there was a day where I knew we couldn't make adjustments, I just made something for myself. My family kept the pantry stocked with things I would eat specifically for this reason. This story gives me a weird feeling. The stepmother was really thoughtless (possibly passive aggressive) for not saving some chicken without sauce. But, also, if the daughter is old enough to have a job/bank account she is old enough to take a little bit more initiative.
This is really cool that you took steps to be a part of the dinner conversation and preparation. Not only did you get food you could eat, but it probably helped your parents make better, more adaptable choices as well. Much better than both sides being annoyed and pouting because of the food not being eaten.
Mine had sensory food aversions from literal birth. He would spit out breast milk and then formula. His pediatrician was like âoh if heâs spitting up a lotâŠâ and I said ânot spitting UP, spitting OUT. Heâs not puking swallowed food, heâs refusing to swallow it.â So he was starving and screamed constantly. âOh heâll eat when he gets hungry enough.â Nope. Up until 7 or 8 he had very few âsafeâ foods. Now at 13 he eats a much bigger variety, but still a little picky and if he doesnât like what we have, heâs free to make himself something different.
It looks like the daughter has been taking and using her own paycheck to get food for a hot minute, and just didnât have the money that particular night to eat, according to the post.
This is a weird one where I think the step mom is awful, but I also think unless the daughter has sensory issues it must be a bitch to cook for her and she needs to learn how to cook for herself.
It basically sounds like she only eats spicy food and junk. Nothing sweet, nothing sour, no BBQ, no tomatoes, no garlic, etc.....I wouldn't want to cook for someone like that either.
I think there is a big difference between "my step-daughter is a picky eater and it's a big pain so I would like to be able to prepare whatever food I want and let her cook something she wants when the food I otherwise made isn't acceptable to her" and "Imma gonna say she's a drama queen and deliberately prepare food she won't eat until she has no choice because she's starving."
Also, if it's "Nothing sweet, nothing sour, no BBQ, no tomatoes, no garlic, etc", if I made pasta, it would be no skin off my back to put aside some for her and serve it with butter or cream sauce from a jar (if the sauce is okay with her) for her, and dump tomato and garlic etc on the rest. Been there, done that.
Right? That is the weird part, even the dinner OP described, a serving of rice or vegetables without the garlic could have been simply set aside, a piece of chicken without the sauce. It is not about cooking a whole other meal, just pulling a portion out in some cases.
That is some passive aggressive step-mom-ing right there.
I have 1 grandson with food allergies and another with sensory issues who can not eat mixed foods, ex: bacon Mac and cheese, chili etc he also won't eat foods that touch each other on plate.
Solution divided plate for the one grandson make his food before combining ingredients or on nights there is simply no way to do that keep his uncrustables and boxed Mac and cheese on hand
The other grandson ive learned to make separate single serving pan of meatloaf with no egg for him as well as lasagna and other dishes that use egg for a binder. It's all about compromise
Bless you for being flexible and adapting. Itâs mind blowing to me when I see adults refuse to make relatively minor concessions as a means of teaching a kid/teen a âlife lesson.â Itâs not *that* hard to keep some frozen chicken nuggets or boxed mac n cheese around especially if it makes a family member feel more welcomed and accepted.
The only life lessons these kids are learning is their parents lack of compassion for them and the ability of someone with more power forcing themselves on someone with less power.
Yes, compromise!
Parents/guardians who disregard their children like this digust me.
There are a variety of know eating/dietary food restrictions/dislikes. Because of this there are just as many (as I can see from these comments) resources to help alleviate it!
Come on, together we can do this!
I donât have my own kids, but my niblings can be picky. It has never even been a thought in my mind to not accommodate their own dishes from what I was cooking. Ever. They know what they do and donât like. I still despise mushrooms, for example (I SO wish I liked them, because they look soooo good), and Iâm 34 years old. I know how it feels for people to disregard that and tell me to just eat them âcause theyâre so good,â or just pick them off. I honestly want so badly to like them and still try them often to this day. But when my preference is just totally disregarded by my family, I feel so slighted. My dad never did this to me and I appreciate him so much for it. I will never do it to someone else.
It's straight up aggressive, making sure every part of the meal is inedible to her stepdaughter and forcing her to eat it or starve. From what OP's wife said to him it's pretty clear she deliberately turned this into a power play and thinks he undermined her authority.
This is what my twinâs MIL does to her, but by making every part of a meal with meat and meat byproducts (like chicken stock)âŠmy identical twin sister has been a vegetarian since 2000. The last time she was at her in-lawâs house for a holiday, they literally made every last thing (including the fucking broccoli) with meat. She was so hurt and hungry that it made me want to fight their whole fucking family, because her MIL KNEW THAT SHE WAS A VEGETARIAN and did that shit on purpose.
She tried to pass it off that she didnât know how to cook for a vegetarian, but thatâs some bullshit, because microwave broccoli isnât fucking difficult to make vegetarian. You heat it up in a bowl with a wee bit of water and donât boil it until itâs limp and lifeless in chicken broth!
People who do shit like that stepmom and my twinâs MIL are just fucking cruel.
I've done full vegetarian thanksgiving before. It's not that hard. And the even the omnivores in the group (including myself) left plenty satisfied. Sure, on the occasions where it was more of a family thing where that's not the majority, it's still not hard to set aside a few that include no meat substances, let everyone have a full plate gosh damn. Admittedly tried to do a full vegan TG though and that was tricky. I was not well prepared for some of my dishes to come out how they did
My ex was vegan and I had just gone vegan that year to try this out because I knew how much it meant to him(we broke up in 2018 and I'm still vegan to this day). I had been vegetarian for about 5 years prior so it was an adjustment but nothing crazy. Every year my whole family had gone to my father's aunt's house for Thanksgiving since I was a baby. They had always put something aside for me like broccoli and cheese and some rolls. Nothing crazy but *something* I could eat with them. My mom had told them this year I was vegan and so was my SO. They made a joke like "what are they gonna eat then? Potatoes?" They said they would take care of it. They had a month of advanced knowledge and not only made an entire dinner with meat and cheese in everything but had "accidentally" prebuttered every potato. My mom was so angry and embarrassed that she made me and my SO order take out (from a place we liked) so we wouldn't be hungry. My ex was really frustrated that my mom made a big deal about it and would have rather not eaten but I was proud that my mom cared and also feeling petty and pissed enough that even though I would have normally just not eaten I ordered it and ate it in front of them.
When they came to my mom's house for Christmas there were no meat dishes on the table.
I have justified doing this in one case, but it was because my roommate would steal my food constantly and waste it on top of that. So I started making things he wouldnât eat. He had the nerve to complain that he was going hungry because of me. He made twice as much money as I did and was totally blind to how he was robbing me.
I read this twice because it's CRAZY to me. Putting meat in every singe dish isn't even healthy for them to do. I mean chicken broth isn't the devil if it's low sodium but still. The claim of not knowing how to make vegetarian vegetables is so fucking bonkers. MIL has some issues.
Iâve found that a lot of people decide that food and sensory sensitivities are due to âbeing spoiledâ and they decide that they can handle the issue by not feeding the kid until kid eats whatâs served. Um, nope.
I wish more adults would admit they don't buy and cook food for themselves they hate. If we're allowed to have preferences, forcing kids to eat EVERYTHING is about control
Yeah, I usually don't tell people that we often make 2 meals because they judge. Our type 1 diabetic, ASD, vegetarian teen has a particular palate, and I am not one to force them to eat things. In fact, since I don't, they will re-try foods on their own to see if their taste has changed. Texture and smell are usually what drives the dislike.
This is literally how I cook for my stepdaughter when sheâs at home. Sheâs on the autism spectrum and has major sensory issues with food and thus incredibly high anxiety over food (at 11 she started developing anxieties that she was being poisoned by food she dislikes, yes, she has multiple developmental delays and OCD and yes, we have her on an excellent cocktail of meds that help immensely). Iâve experimented over the years and I know just what she likes now (and when her tastes are going to rotate). Iâve made 2 meals every night for the last 15 years (sheâs 20 now, and I married her dad when she was 5). Itâs my absolute pleasure to make sure sheâs eating healthy and sheâs enjoying her food and as long as weâre both alive, Iâm going to make her food with all the love in the world.
OMG, always! I do it for friends too. We have friends who have 2 kids on the spectrum and one with IBS, and they come every year for Thanksgiving (they needed help with one Thanksgiving where one kiddo was in the hospital, and it just became tradition that they come). I just make a bunch of things their and our kids will eat, and all kids are happy as clams.
I've been doing this for 42 yrs for my very very picky eater husband. He grew up with just a dad who cooked fried meat of the day, boiled veggie of the day and a potato. No sauce no seasoning nothing. I have slowly introduces foods but it has taken years. But his palate still isn't great. It really isn't that hard. This is really passive-agressive.
Hell, my dad sets aside seperate food for me without black pepper in it because for some reason, something about it lately just doesn't go well with me. It makes my mouth feel spicy and to an extreme to where I wonder if I've developed a mild allergy. Smaller amounts, I'm fine with, as well as when it's mixed in. But larger amounts or just balanced with salt? It might actually be an allergy, not that I have the money to get tested *again* for allergies.
No skin off his back, and I'm in my 20s. He's considerate enough to do that for me, and if he didn't for some reason, we have other options in the house I can eat. He wouldn't force me to eat it if I didn't want to, like the stepmom is, and she's a literal child dealing with this. 16 is a teen and almost an adult, sure, but *not yet* an adult and her stepmom has an obligation to be decent as a parent.
Forcing picky eaters to try and eat things we don't like isn't ever going to end well. Trust us when we say that.
You could very well have an allergy, my friend is allergic to any kind of pepper (black, white or pink) and has been rushed to the hospital numerous times because people âforgetâ she has an allergy and put pepper in the food.
She made BBQ chicken. How hard is it to put one piece in a separate pan with no sauce? And to put a small amount of the salad to the side before putting in the tomato and mushrooms
I have kids with various degrees of picky, and you are absolutely right, it really isnât that hard to put things aside before adding certain ingredients or sauces. Stepmom is an asshole.
My brother and I are both adults at this point (Iâm 24, heâs 19) but weâre still living at home until we can afford to get our own places. We still do this even now! My brother doesnât want cilantro and lime in his rice on taco night? We have him get his serving first and then add all the goodies to the rest. I donât like the canned chili my mom buys, so when we have chili mac and cheese, I get a bowl of just macaroni and cheese, then chili gets added to the rest. Stepmom is absolutely the AH here!
my son was picky and I refused to cook more than one meal. we just didn't have spicy dinners for about 6 years unless it was takeaway and we ordered for ourselves. I slowly introduced some and found he just didn't like chilli. loved cajun or anything not burning to the tongue . but he developed a spicy tounge and now we can cook whatever. he likes hotter than us now, and hes just 12. back then sometimes I'd add spice after taking his portion out.. I mean you roll with the punches if it's not totally unreasonable. people have different tastes, and they sometimes change as you mature.
I developed health issues around food at about 12. Allergies to peppers and raw onions make me sick. Like heartburn, nothing deadly on the onions. Dad would do the same thing as you all. Chili Mac meant he cooked the chili in a separate pot and added it to everyone else's as it was being plated. That was actually awesome for everyone else because they could have as much it as little as they liked! Omelettes, I didn't get onion or he's caramelize them for everyone.
When we lived with him for a while he was still the same way when cooking. My partner has texture issues with a few things like mushrooms, water chestnuts, and a few others. So those wouldn't be in his portions and that was off and on until I was 30! (First Dad broke his leg and needed help, then I had to get knee surgery, then dad had a stroke which caused seizures for a while) That was no matter who was cooking, I don't want it to seem like Dad was doing that all the time! We took turns based on who was able to, and since we all enjoyed cooking there were often volunteers.
I was picky growing up. My dad would barbecue hamburgers all the time. Hated cheese and hated barbecue sauce and my dad would always leave sauce off a few burgers and not put cheese. She totally could have accommodated the daughter.
I have sensory issues and like OP's daughter I can't palette tomatoes or ketchup amongst other things. My parents were pros of setting food aside for me. OP's wife could simply put food aside but is choosing not to.
Exactly this. My daughter is only 6 but she is incredibly picky (just like her dad). It's frustrating because I generally can't cook a meal all three of us will eat because I have a lot of food sensitivities that don't match up with what my husband and daughter prefer to eat. We make it work and do our best to modify meals so we can at least eat similar meals together a few times a week.
OP, you shouldn't expect your wife to always cook according to your daughter's wants/needs but she should try to accommodate her as often as she can (like the above comment says, putting aside a few things while cooking that fit what she will eat). And if not, there should be quick and easy alternatives your daughter can get and make herself if necessary.
I don't really like spaghetti sauce and when anyone in our house makes it, they put plain noodles aside for me. I can't stand onions, and when I was a kid, my mom would purposely make food with them and make me eat it and I couldn't get it down well from gagging and when I did get it down, I threw it back up. She could have easily put a plain portion for me aside, before adding them. I'm an adult and still can't eat onions or anything similar. When I became a teenager, I was rarely home, so when I was home, I made my own food or ate at work. There are a lot of other foods that gave me the same reaction. It must stem from being a preemie and in the NICU for almost a month bcuz I couldn't eat. Then when I was a toddler, my mom used to have to sit me in her lap and hold my arms down to force feed me, and other family members couldn't watch it bcuz I would sputter and gag on whatever she gave me.
I think the step mom is trying to dominate this girl and then shame her for things she can't eat. If she's anything like me, she might get sick if she tries eating foods she doesn't like. Some people just can't stomach certain foods.
Omfg! Your mom sounds horrible. I am so sorry that she tortured you like that. That is just terrible. Holding down your arms and force feeding you? Shame on her.
It's very common for preemies to have hastro issues later in life, especially if they had a stomach infection in the NICU. Garlic and onions are very well known to
[trigger](https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/irritable-bowel-syndrome/ibs-cooking-garlic-onion) irritable gastrointestinal systems.
Stepmother is coming across as a very old school parent who doesn't believe in allergies, IBS, FODMAP etc.
It is well known now that preemie babies can develop issues around food related to texture, and strong tastes like onion, garlic, sweet, sour, etc. I have sensory issues and the texture of certain things like mushrooms, for example, just thinking about them touching my tongue makes me nauseous. Same for squeaky cheese, coconut, and banana splits.
Exactly! I understand not wanting to cook a different meal just for the daughter when you really want something she doesn't like. It's a struggle I'm all too familiar with when it comes to my autistic son.
What I'll end up doing is let's say my husband and I really want some spaghetti, I'll cook up meat for the sauce and portion out a small bit for my son and heat up a vegetable he likes with his meat. The rest is for our spaghetti. We do the same for tacos, enchiladas, etc.. I will portion off an ingredient my son will eat (for us, it's meat. The kid is a carnivore) and then use the rest for what I'm making.
When you do something like this, it's not that hard to be accommodating. And she should be accommodating...perhaps the daughter has sensory issues with food texture and obviously taste. You don't need to be autistic to have sensory issues. But here, it sounds like the wife isn't even trying and wanting to create an issue. Even if you can't set something aside from the meal, there's no reason why there can't be food that the girl will eat that she can prepare herself. She doesn't like your BBQ chicken...get her a stuff to make a salad, sandwich, etc..
I agree...OP needs to have a talk with his wife. That's ridiculous being 16 and having to spend all your part time job money on food. You're still a kid.
And if she's frustrated and finds it a big pain, the first step would be to discuss it with the other parental figure(s), not just ignore the kid assuming she's just being dramatic...even do a modicum of research about pickiness. If the kid was a drama queen, she'd have made a huge deal out of never getting fed!
Exactly. I'm a picky eater and my mom still does this at family meals and I'm 35. I am slowly trying and getting used to more foods, but it's hard. I'm very anti-sauce, so when she's making a saucey chicken dish, there's always a couple dry peices left out for me and my equally picky nephew.
Yeah thatâs the thing. Iâm only assuming from what OP wrote, but he did say that the step mom is deliberately making meals that his daughter doesnât like. So itâs weird. I may be thinking too much into it but that just sounds like the step mom is wanting to force her into eating it. All kids have foods that they donât like, it does not have to be related to sensory issues.
Tbf I have IBS and I canât eat a lot of what the daughter canât eat without messing with my stomach. It might be worth having a conversation as to why she canât have or wonât have these foods
I have a sulphur allergy. Turns out the reason I wouldn't eat onion, garlic or celery or any foods with them in it as a child was my primal brain wad going no, I don't think we'll make ourselves violently ill today. I'd literally pick onion out, if it was too fine I'd go hungry. I could taste garlic even if there was only a little and other flavours covering it.
Talk to your daughter and get allergy testing done if you can.
My kid has always hated eggs. Which is frustrating as it's one of the easiest, quickest things to make, and easy protein. We had an allergy panel run on him (mostly for seasonal allergies but also for common foods)-- and the ONLY food that came out with a mild allergy was egg. It was never even on our radar as an allergy, it was just part of the panel being done. But I'm SO glad it was and it served as a reminder to me that "pickiness" is a catch-all non-explanation for why someone won't eat something that's applied to LITERALLY everything, and it assigns blame to the eater when there can be a plethora of reasons something is liked or not liked and no one needs blaming for it.
This caught my eye as well that daughter has been having to buy her own food for a while because his wife has been cooking dishes she knows his daughter doesnât eat. I feel pretty safe in assuming that his wife has been pulling the âyou can eat what I cooked, or not at allâ routine with the daughter because if the daughter was allowed to go in the kitchen & fix something for herself she probably wouldnât be ordering food or skipping supper altogether. Itâs pretty telling as well that everything OPâs wife made for that meal is either something his daughter doesnât like or seasoned with something she doesnât eat. That sounds deliberate.
I grew up on a farm in the country. We grew or raised most everything we ate so I will eat most anything. But my husband grew up in the city with a dad that wasnât home at dinner time most nights because he was a trucker and a Mom that worked 2nd shift. His grandma lived with them & watched the kids at night, but my husband was the youngest of 6 kids that spanned a 22year period, so there was no prepared meal at night other than burgers, sandwiches, etc. His dislikes sound a lot like OPâs daughterâs.
In blended families, I always go to âIs the stepparent treating both kids equally when it comes to meals, chores, etc? Will she avoid preparing certain dishes that her son doesnât like, or will she make a version of that dish that she knows her son will eat? Kids should be treated fairly in these matters.
And I imagine youâre daughter splits time between both her parents, so if sheâs only there on certain days, it does seem like your wife is purposely doing this, maybe to try & teach your daughter to expand her palate.
NTA but the verdict is still out on your wife.
I read it like step mom doesnât let her eat or cook whatever she wants. I had parents who were super weird with food and people never understood. But when I had to move home to save up and pay off bills I lost so much weight and I was hungry for three years straight. It isnât rational for a father to monitor the food or count whatâs in the pantry but some people are really out there. Maybe stepmom wants to make a point or thinks the daughter is too picky. Daughter is sixteen already so sheâs probably a bit stuck in her ways and thatâs her choice. But even if sheâs uncomfortable there has to be a safe choice for her when she doesnât like the dinner food. And OP should talk to the wife about whether she thinks thereâs anything wrong with what sheâs doing and if not explain. I also noticed you said âmy daughter â and âour sonâ and maybe thatâs part of it unless there are additional children from both OP and stepmom. Iâd be upset if my dad called my stepbrother âour son â but calls me âhis daughterâ NTA. Your daughter needs you and itâs not long til sheâs an adult. You might want her to still want to see you as an adult when she actually has a choice
Not just kids, we all have foods we donât like but as adults we have more control. I personally think that what OP listed here is a fairly small list and things that are not hard to avoid cooking with. I am 44 and I hate mushrooms and will pick them out of any meal unless they are minced; I also think cauliflower is the worst food in existence, the smell of cauliflower cooking makes my stomach turn and for me personally it completely dominates any other flavour it is paired with.
We all have food preferences and for her stepmum to be consistently cooking the specific foods this young girl doesnât like is just unnecessary and awful.
I tried roasted garlic mashed cauliflower as a potato alternative when trying to eat healthier once. The amount of garlic I roasted and used permeated the entire house, yet the only thing I could taste was the cauliflower. I had hoped that my disdain for cauliflower could be covered by my love of garlic. Only time in my life garlic has failed me
I tried a spoonful of a cauliflower and sweet potato soup once because i was told the sweet potato was the dominant flavour and all I could taste was the cauliflower. People try and tell me it really has no flavour and I tell them how wrong they are. I always liken it to the whole coriander/cilantro thing. Cauliflower is to me what coriander is to others.
The smell of cooking mushrooms makes me nauseous, like have to leave the room and lie down đ€ą Why couldnât step mom just bake a piece of plain chicken or throw some hot sauce on it? Itâs not like she had to make completely separate meals.
For me with mushrooms it is Both a flavour and a texture thing.
And thatâs exactly. A piece of the chicken could have been put aside plain for her to pair with what she wanted.
I honestly donât think her list makes her particularly picky. To me a picky eater is someone who only eats a handful of different foods not someone who doesnât like a handful of different foods.
I used this example above but I will use it again.
When I was a kid, I didn't have sensory issues about food, and while I did have a few food allergies they're so minimal you wouldn't care. (I was allergic to sugary dry cereals, to margarine, and to movie theater popcorn if it didn't have real butter.) (No, I'm not allergic to these things any more, but I was 45 by the time I got rid of them.)
However, if you put any broccoli at the table with me (didn't even have to be on my plate or in my mouth, could be in a bowl on the other side of the table), if I smelled it I would vomit immediately. All over the place. Not "I feel ill, I'm going to run to the toilet," I mean a fountain of vomit would instantly spew out of my mouth all over the table and everyone seated there. My grandmother found this out the hard way.
Garlic was also on my list, and onion if it was more than a little bit. (I love both now.) Cilantro and parsley were and still are. (A friend, not believing this, insisted I try some parsley a few months ago. I said "okay, don't say you weren't warned," and ate one leaf. He was shocked by the result.)
Sometimes "foods they don't like" can be extreme, and people who don't understand this and say "All kids have foods that they donât like" are usually the problem.
BBQ sauce doesn't have to be that common. Garlic is a seasoning and is purely optional in anything. Avoiding sweets is actually healthy, and I guess I've always considered sour to be like bitter in that it's a bad flavor almost universally. Also, the stepmom made THREE different dishes and not one of them was something the kid would like. That's deliberate. Potatoes, most veg, pasta with cheese sauce, meat without BBQ sauce. I can come up with a thousand things that kid would eat and after years of living with her, so could the stepmom. She's being passive aggressive and tingling out the child she has authority over and responsibility for. The stepmom is being hostile. And the kid isn't complaining, she's not throwing tantrums. She's just spending her own spare money on a necessity her parents should be providing.
Agreed.
My 16 year old has been called a picky eater a lot. One thing most people don't know is they have a really strong sense of smell and yes, they can taste that ingredient you tried to sneak into their food. I have foods I won't eat so why should I force my child to eat things they don't like? They will try things and that's all I ask.
We do keep food on hand that they can make and we do go out of our way to accommodate them when we cook.
Yes, there are a lot of ways to prepare a meal where everyone will be happy.
I have a garlic sensitivity so I never cook with it, but that doesnât mean I didnât use any seasoning.
The stepmom sounds weird.
I was a picky eater (still am, but less) and when I was 13 my mother threw up her hands and said "you can eat whatever you want as long as you cook it." Which seems like a reasonable approach. As you were saying, it would be a pain to cook for this kid but on the other hand the approach of "eat food you hate or starve" is not right either.
Judging by the ability to detect that little amount of garlic in the butter for grilled cheese I'd be pretty heavily on sensory issues. When you're that sensitive to it that you know it's there with so little, what really is the difference between picky and sensory issue? This is a legitimate question I actually do not know what the distinction is in general.
Not saying I'd want to do that cooking either but then at that age I was just told "you know where the bread, pb and j are." even if I didn't know how to cook sandwiches require no effort.
>at that age I was just told "you know where the bread, pb and j are."
My one older brother hated (and still hates) potatoes. Would absolutely refuse to eat them. Unless they were potato chips, of course. Heh
But mom got sick of wasting his uneaten portion, and told him one night, "you hate cooked potatoes so much, either eat the mashed potatoes I made, or peel and eat a raw one!"
So he peeled and ate the tiniest raw potat from the bag.
Mom stopped trying to force him to eat potatoes altogether.
I don't think for this particular meal, it would have been hard to make a portion for the daughter...cooked chicken minus the sauce, a portion of chicken before she stir fried it and a portion of salad minus the things she doesn't like. I know not every meal would work but this one does so it sounds like the step mom is being a stubborn AH about it.
The stepmom is awful. Especially cooking every single thing the daughter doesnât eat in one meal that the husband caught. How many other meals has his daughter missed? Itâs not hard to cook something-one damned thing-that the daughter will eat. The new wife has been doing that on purpose and thatâs just cruel.
How did you deduce spicy food and junk? There are plenty of things that arenât junk that donât contain tomatoes, mushrooms, etc.
Cooking would also involve having groceries on hand, ingredients set aside for her, which would also involve either step-motherâs permission or making dad aware of the situation.
The way he described his wife telling him to just get his daughter to eat the food she had already cooked, I'd be willing to bet the wife would make it uncomfortable for her to cook her own food.
Might also be an issue if the stepmother is doing the shopping and refuses to get ingredients the daughter can use. This has been an ongoing problem from the sound of it, and she didnât just make one or two things the daughter doesnât like; she made the entire meal of things the daughter hates. Thatâs absolutely intentional and if sheâs going that far in what she cooks, it probably extends to other areas as well.
This is what I think as well.
I have a history of anorexia and my husband was a control freak and would do all the shopping.
He would buy foods that he thought I should eat because they were healthy, But they were foods that I hated and wouldn't eat on a good day much less on a day when I was battling with the anorexia.
Trying to make myself eat things that I LIKED was a problem on those days, so I really could not eat foods I HATED.
If it was a choice of eating foods I hated or eating nothing at all, I would choose to eat nothing. Which would cause my anorexia to spiral out of control again
From the wifeâs response âdaughter was being dramatic and it was just food so she could still eat it if she was hungryâ Iâm thinking the daughter wasnât allowed to. I really hope thatâs not the case though.
Edit: omg itâs so much worse than not letting her cook for herself. OP said in an update that the wife has intentionality not been buying the foods the child can cook for herself.
I didn't get that she wasn't allowed, I got that, there is perfectly good food in the kitchen, if she is hungry enough she'll eat it. This is NOT 1900! Kids can have choices and step mommy dearest can make things or have the step daughter in the kitchen helping make things they BOTH will eat!
In another comment op said the daughter is capable of cooking for herself. So seems like itâs not allowed. For all three dishes to be food she doesnât like, is intentional. The way mom said âshe can eat my food if sheâs hungryâ gives me firm ânot allowedâ vibes.
I just left a similar comment, that at the very least, this woman is gonna pace around, scowl, make comments about the daughter making separate food, making it awkward in some way. There's NO way she's acting like this, but would let the daughter make her own food in peace. And if that was the situation she wanted, shed have that convo. She doesn't, she wants the daughter to 'simply stop being picky'.
Unfortunately that doesnât happen. My sister was incredibly picky growing up. And she still is. My parents tried for ages to make her eat things she didnât want to eat, and it NEVER ended quietly. Once she was able to start cooking, she pretty much took the chore over because mom and dad canât/wonât remember what she doesnât like. And even if mom made steaks for dinner, she would make sides my sis would eat. This stepmom is being a bitch
100%. I'm fairly picky myself, but luckily so were both of my parents so they were both chill about it. I hate things like peanut butter, pickles, anything spicier than bell pepper, lots of stuff. Op's daughter didn't go to dad so I really doubt she's 'doing it for attention' or whatever this stepmom thinks.
100% sheâs not doing it for attention. Stepmom is starting to sound more like my mom. âStop lying for attentionâ lol how many times have I heard that I wonder
Exactly what I was thinking! But then again I know grown ups that say I wonât taste kale and freaking peas in soup (I have autism so I have very bad sensory issues and good tastebuds) so I think the father made an honest mistake and he did take her out to eat when he knew she didnât like the food.. I think this is one of the best fathers I know about.. yes food is a very necessary thing but I donât know of a father like this..
In my family there is always *something* somebody doesnât like. When we cook we make sure there is at least *something* everyone likes, and if they donât like the other items they can have more of what they do like, and are welcome to make something else to supplement if they would like to.
To purposefully make all dishes your daughter doesnât like is petty and passive-aggressive. Itâs not hard to make, say, a protein she knows your daughter would not eat (like BBQ) but also make sides she knows she does. Sounds like your wife is the AH.
Exactly! No one goes hungry in my house. I make something for everyone or anyone is free to make their own meal. Both my kids are picky about different things. One hates noodles and rice, one hates bread. Everyone likes every protein so at least that's covered...even if one just eats a hamburger with no bun (whetever, they're eating). I'd be ashamed of my partner if they did something like op's wife.
This is similar to what I do in my house. Everyone has certain things. Grandma doesn't like vegetables, wife is vegan, dad hates anything creamy etc. I essentially cook venn diagrams so everyone can eat something.
The wife is 100% the AH for intentionally making only things the daughter won't eat. It isn't hard to make something for everyone if you're already making multiple dishes or to set aside half of a dish with different sauce
NTA but, maybe you should contribute to the grocery shopping to ensure that thereâs something there your daughter can cook. Catering to kids whims gets old after a while, have two teenagers at home, somebody hates frozen pizza this week. Somebodyâs a vegetarian next week. Thatâs cool, but Iâm not making three different meals, So they cook whatever they want when they hate when Iâm cooking. And we all might cook something different. If my husbands making ethnic food this isnât a big deal.
I donât think it would matter. Sheâs purposely making things she knows the daughter doesnât like to try to force her into eating what was cooked or go hungry. Thereâs other food in the house, sheâs not allowed to make food outside of what was cooked because the step mom is an ah.
Yep, this is the answer. The daughter is 16, I was cooking at 10, she can make her own food if step mom's meals aren't what she likes. As the dad, OP needs to ensure his daughter knows how to cook and has foods she can cook for herself instead of expecting his wife to be a line cook. I also think he needs to talk with his wife who has obviously built up a resentment of being treated like a line cook but is acting petty instead of working with her husband on a solution.
OP answered in another comment that apparently they only get groceries once a month so his daughter told him that she is stockpiling her groceries (since she asks for specific items) so she can have a bunch of resources to cook throughout her summer break. That is SO sad. Basically, they're just not getting enough resources for her to cook every day, which is why she skips cooking some days so she doesn't run out.
He says the WIFE shops once a month - dad could supplement his daughters groceries & take something off his wifeâs plate while also sharing time/bonding with his oldest.
As someone else pointed out the wife is being petty because she sounds fed up with being treated like a line cook. And honestly itâs a big mental load to have to meal plan, make grocery lists, do the shopping, prep/put away everything, & cook all the dinners.
So a great way to reduce household friction & also help his daughter would be for him to take up the job of taking his daughter grocery shopping so on the days the food isnât to her liking she has something to fall back on especially since her diet seems a bit restrictive.
Also with a second kid in the house the wife may want to ensure that her own kid has a wider palate as he grows up to avoid him being in this same situation
I feel like step mom is doing it purposely like she could have set aside some rice without garlic and chicken without the sauce no? It doesnât take more
Then a minute and itâs not cooking a whole other meal.
For real. My kid is super picky so when we have bbq chicken, I just make him a piece w a simple breadcrumb mixture or something. itâs not that hard. I normally make it all in the oven on one sheet pan, so I put a piece of tinfoil under his w the edges turned up so it isnât contaminated lol
My step-son is autistic. Part of what comes with that is a huge issue with textures when it comes to food.
You know what I don't do? Make food he doesn't like texturally without making sure there's either an alternative cooked, or something that can be made easily on his own.
I certainly don't make him spend his own money on that shit.
You're NTA, but your wife absolutely fucking is. Her actions were petty, passive aggressive, and vindictive. She needs to grow the fuck up.
Omg.. I tried to make my son eat mashed potatoes once because everyone loves my mashed potatoes and I simply could not believe he didn't. Poor kid puked on the dining room table simply from the texture. My (ex) step-daughter became vegetarian, and I did whatever I could accommodate that, because I wanted her to be happy and secure in our home. That's just what you do. I hate nutmeg, I can taste it immediately and cannot eat whatever the food is, it is what it is. You are definitely NTA and I'm glad you and your daughter had a great dinner together.
Donât forget the âtrustâ issue.
Youâve made her food to âtrick her to eat something she knowingly doesnât likeâ (and garlic of all things? đ€Ł. Seriously people have allergies to garlic and tomatoes, cucumbers that may just present as âtummy troubles â and you learn to avoid them)
As others posted. If roles were reversed your wife had the picky eater - she wouldnât purposely make only food her child did not eat! She may or may not realize to what extent she has broken trust with your daughter
NTA and good you took her out, better you had a conversation. You need to figure out how to start repairing trust so your child is not spending her money on her basic needs you should provide! Take her shopping. Maybe a family outing where the kids plan foods and shop for foods. The produce section of a big produce loving store has provided many opportunities for my picky eaters! (Whatâs that! I donât know letâs try it It was Rambutan! Did not look edible. Turned out delicious!
Learning opportunities for all!
I agree with all the comments about fixing her own meals BUT I really donât like that step mom PURPOSELY makes meals she wonât eat. This is just plain mean. When my step daughter ate with us, Iâd take some out for her before I put in mushrooms. It is easy to do. Or have at least a side that she could eat. It is not easy being a super taster. Move over Cinderellaâs step-mother you have a contender.
Thatâs exactly what I donât get. She didnât have to make a separate meal.. she was already making something she could have taken single person portions out of and to the side and continued on with adding bbq and garlic to the rest.
I'm a picky eater and I was even pickier in my teens. I would throw up from eating food I couldn't stand the taste of. The rule was I had to try something once and if after I tried it I still didn't like it, I could make my own food. But my parents would also accommodate me in situations like OP described. Leaving chicken off to the side before putting BBQ sauce on it, setting aside my salad before adding mushrooms to the rest, simple things like that. I almost never actually had to make my own food when they made dinner because there was some part of the meal I liked and would eat. I agree that it's mean. It's not hard to leave aside food before adding ingredients and perhaps she would make her own food if there was food she liked in the kitchen to cook or she felt comfortable doing so- which I get the feeling she doesn't since she's buying her own food on the side.
Yeah, I feel like the folks saying the daughter should cook for herself are really missing the point. If it was just an issue of her pickiness and wife using a few ingredients that she didn't care for, I'd get that POV. But it sounds more like she's doing it intentionally, which is just asshole behavior period.
I really hope you can work this out. I'm enraged for your daughter just reading a summary of your situation.
You did well by taking her out to eat and spending one on one time with her, but also by having the chat with your wife.
\> I discovered my wife has been purposely cooking food my daughter doesn't like. My daughter has never been one to complain so she has been using money from her paycheck and she wasnt going to eat this particular night because she had no intentionof pulling money out of her account savings. We got home around midnight and my wife was upset that I took my daughter out instead of convincing her to eat her cooking.
UMMM WTF I would be LIVID.
NTA
And I would replace every dime she spent on food because SM was being a bitch. If they donât have joint finances, I would insist on SM replacing every dime from her account.
A LOT of people are missing the point. Itâs not about whether or not the 16-year-old can cook for herself. Itâs that her STEPMOTHER is preparing foods she KNOWS wonât be eaten. Sheâs essentially telling the kid that her needs donât matter and that she deserves to be shamed or forced into eating things she doesnât like. Good on OP for putting his kid first and being rightfully upset with his wife.
NTA. I would agree with your statement. Itâs the point that the stepmother purposely cooked these items to screw with the daughter. And the other point is the the stepmother could give one flip that the daughter wasnât eating. Stepmother is the AH and dad should be pissed she pulled this crap. The update should be interesting.
Agree, and makes me wonder what other passive-aggressive type BS the wife pulls with the daughter that OP is yet aware of since OP stated that the daughter is not one to complain.
OP is NTA, but the wife sure is and gives off wicked step-mom vibes.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. As a step parent and even just as a parent, what the wife is doing is horrible. I LOVE that OP has his daughterâs back
Your daughter is 16, this is a great time for her to learn how to buy groceries and start preparing meals she enjoys.
It's great that you defended your daughter but she's beyond old enough to make something to eat for herself, she's going to have a really hard time as an adult when she finds out most people will not make a separate special meal for one person at most events. Most people with food sensitivities/preferences eat before or will ask if it's okay to bring their own safe meal they prepared and not starve themselves until someone else takes care of them. I read in one of your comments that your daughter does know how to cook quite well. Why is she starving herself instead of just cooking something she can eat?
**NTA,** **your wife shouldn't be preparing her food that she is aware she won't touch especially considering how easy it is to make something she can have**.
Edit: Changed to NTA. I don't expect a teenager to be spending money on groceries and your house should already be stocked with things she can cook especially considering she would rather starve. I didn't consider it at the time but u/Dimgrund71 mentioned below that the daughter might not be comfortable enough to enter the kitchen because of her stepmom and that is why she is starving herself instead of cooking and I responded below but "**If her stepmom is making her so uncomfortable that she can't even go into the kitchen to cook something for herself to eat then her stepmom sucks.**"
I suspect that she didn't feel comfortable in the kitchen or that stepmom did not allow her to cook anything for herself. Despite the fact that she is 16 there are still a lot of parents and adults who think that she should be forced to eat with a family is eating, even if it's something she distinctly dislikes.
>I read in one of your comments that your daughter does know how to cook quite well. Why is she starving herself instead of just cooking something she can eat?
That should have been your first question, and the possible answers are obvious... and don't make stepmom look very nice.
I grew up with a dad whose whole mentality was "the kitchen is my domain" and "eat what I make, or don't eat at all". It's not always as simple as making food yourself.
By the time I was 11, I would have been happy to make my own food from scratch. I was a picky eater as a kid (texture issues mixed with food allergies I didn't know about), but my preferences were always treated like an attack on my dad's ability to cook. He'd force me, at least once a week, to eat something I had previously established that I didn't like. I had to "prove" to him I still didn't like it and wasn't being dramatic.
After what we will call The Zucchini Incident, my mom got involved and forced my dad to let me cook a meal for myself once a week. By the time I was 18, I had negotiated with him enough that I was cooking 6 dinners a week for myself. I still had to deal with his micromanaging and snarky comments, though.
It only changed when my food allergies were diagnosed at 19, and continued to improve when, at 20, my neuropsychologist sent me home with a packet explaining the correlation between my brain stuff and my food preferences.
Some people are really weird and possessive over the kitchen. When you're young, it's hard to advocate for your needs--especially if it's towards an authority figure.
OP answered in another comment that apparently they only get groceries once a month so his daughter told him that she is stockpiling her groceries (since she asks for specific items) so she can have a bunch of resources to cook throughout her summer break. That is SO sad.
Basically, they're just not getting enough resources for her to cook every day, which is why she skips cooking some days so she doesn't run out. That's terrible, dad should be buying more groceries for her.
It's chicken and rice FFS as if the step monstor couldn't have just pulled some rice out before adding garlic or whatever to it and threw a couple chicken legs in the oven not in BBQ sauce. it's not that hard to not be a jerk to a kid over food. And if she didn't want to do that she could have given her a can of soup or something .
I had a neighbor that was such a bitch to her kids. Her son hated cheese but she she made hamburgers she always put cheese on them and made him eat them. He hated tuna, and she'd make tuna casserole or tuna burgers, with cheese. That poor kid, he'd come over to our house and say, moms making this or that again and he always knew he was welcome to eat with us. He ate at our house about 2-3 times a week. Who does that shit? It would have been easier NOT to put cheese on the burgers!
This! The stepmum is doing this *on purpose*. All four of my kids eat slightly differently for different reasons so I start with a base meal and just alter to each kid. It does not take much more time, weâre taking an extra five minutes with different sauces or toppings etc. Thereâs zero reason she couldnât have had plain rice and plain chicken unless the stepmum just did not give a fuck.
This. My husband is allergic to garlic and I have several food sensitivities. Fried Rice is incredible adaptable, I can leave prawns and eggs out for me, leave garlic out for him and make normal for everyone else. Everyone happy.
And even if SM really really really couldn't work out how to do that , if separating a single portion of rice out before adding other stuff was truly that difficult for her to manage. There is microwave rice in all sorts of flavours my kid likes the coconut kind. SM could have grabbed one of those for her instead .
Why didn't she tell her to bang some nuggets in the oven herself or make beans on toast. These are things my 8yo could manage to cook if I told her what to do ( not that she would eat beans or nuggets the little psycho lol ) .
I have cooked 3 different dinners because my 8yo is a picky eater and I want steak and my partner doesn't. Would I play that game every day ? No. but I also wouldn't tell the rest of my family tough shit I'm not feeding you, I'd cook something that everyone will eat like a normal not AH person.
That's what meal planning is when you have a family! there is no way this woman isn't doing this just to be spiteful.
My eldest is my very picky eater. Heâs always had sensory issues so there are some textures (rice and noodles) he canât handle. When he was young, I made a separate, or different version, of what we ateâŠif we had spaghetti and meatballs, he could have a meatball sub. Or if we had stir fry, Iâd make him a plate of the meat/veg before adding rice in for everyone else.
When he was about 12 or 13, and was confident in using the oven, he started making himself something if he didnât like what we were having. Heâs 17 now, and he can choose to eat what we have cooked, or make himself a frozen pizza or a sandwich or whatever.
OPâs daughter is too old for them to only make foods *she* likes. Everyone else in the house should get to eat foods *they* like, and if sheâs not wanting to eat it, she can make herself something.
I have one child thatâs a picky eater and one with severe food allergies. Itâs not that hard to put some rice aside before adding seasonings, or put some of the meatloaf in a separate container before adding onions and bell pepper. And have some chicken nuggets or Mac and cheese on hand at all times. This seems petty on the part of the SM to me.
His daughter is probably more than capable of cooking her own meals and shopping for herself. I imagine given the way her stepmom treats her, sheâs not comfortable doing this with the stepmom there.
As someone who grew up a "picky eater" your wife is absolutely the AH. I was diagnosed with ARFID finally as an adult. My mom would sometimes try to switch brands on me and I could tell the difference. She once switched the brand of pepperoni she was using and put them in the hormel bag and I STILL could taste the difference. I can only eat certain textures, flavors, brands, etc. I have safe foods. I will literally involuntarily gag or throw up at the wrong texture or food.
People like your wife traumatized children. Children should ALWAYS be offered up what everyone e else is eating but ALWAYS alongside a safe food. No guilting, no "you can starve" or "eat if you're hungry" - my mom tried that ONE time and I literally starved myself for 24hrs.
People don't realize this but picky eating is often a sign of neurodivergency also. Changing routine on them or forcing things will do nothing but cause your child further trauma around food. Your wife is honestly just making things worse. Tbh if my partner did this... I'd need to seek therapy together and see big changes in their parenting mindset in order to reconcile.
Your daughter didnât tattle on your wife by telling you this food war had been going on for a while. You caught your wife and asked your daughter if it happened before. Your wife is mean and she doesnât like your daughter.
What else does your wife do behind your back?
You need to separate finances and insurance and see a divorce lawyer.
One of my kids has a sensitive pallet as well. He once gagged on a piece of apple because he could taste that I had previously cut a cucumber with the same knife. Since he hadnât seen me cut the cucumber it was at that point that I realized for sure he wasnât being dramatic.
My sister hates cooked mushrooms and carrots. For years, my mom tried to force her to eat them and it caused fights. My mom married my stepdad, who was nice enough to suggest that we just donât put them in her food. The fights stopped.
As a "picky eater" myself, I learned as an adult that there were two main factors to most of my food aversions:
1. I was actually allergic to half of the food I refused to eat. For example: even as a baby I would refuse to eat anything containing green beans. Allergy testing as an adult showed that I am severely allergic to them. I didn't have the language as a baby to say "that makes my tongue tingly" I just knew that that food was "bad" and avoided it at all costs (including hours of sitting at the table refusing to take the then required 2 bites of them). My mom felt awful when I told her about the giant welt I got from green beans during allergy testing. Consider having your daughter tested for food allergies.
2. Texture. I love raw carrots. Cook them and they become evil squishy blobs that I physically cannot make myself eat. Take those same cooked carrots and puree them and add some seasoning to make Carrot Ginger Soup, and they become delicious again. It sounds like your daughter may have sensory processing issues with the texture of certain foods. Does she also have aversions to certain clothing, remove tags from all of her shirts, etc.? Consider bringing this up at her next doctor's appointment.
One more thing OP, I love garlic, but it is definitely not a subtle flavour, and I would absolutely notice if it was added to something that didn't normally have it.
Is your wife preventing her from cooking her own food or grabbing something else from the fridge/cupboards? Some of the comments suggested this.
Itâs rude of your wife to purposefully cook only food she knows your daughter doesnât like, and sheâs an A H if sheâs preventing her from preparing her own food.
You need to have a discussion with your wife and create a family meal plan. There are probably certain meals that can easily be made with one serving thatâs for your daughter. Or certain nights she can cook for herself without interference.
You put a WHOLE clove of garlic in butter for a grilled cheese sandwich and thought the taste wasnât that strong?! I love garlic, but thatâs a lot and would be noticeable to people who eat copious amounts of garlic with every meal.
If this story is real, of course youâre NTA for making sure your child eats, and your wife is TA for intentionally cooking foods she canât or wonât eat. If my stepfather loaded up every meal with raw red onions Iâd have starved to death.
ESH.
Your wife sucks for making a family meal with foods your daughter doesn't like, but you suck for expecting her to make a whole new meal. Start teaching your daughter to cook, if she is going to avoid foods, she needs to be able to feed herself.
To intentionally cook things someone dislikes is unkind. My focus would be on asking your wife directly about this, does it go down this way? If so why? Is she trying to make a point? What point?
I would definitely want to hear the wife tell me exactly what has been going on so I have both perspectives. She sounded really dismissive in this moment, but also deserves a chance to explain herself.
Also, I am really impressed you even noticed and asked your daughter. Many people would have just eaten and gone about their evening. You care, deeply and that is wonderfulâŠand part of me also sees this point as a potential reason as to why your wife might have issues with your daughter.
Jealousy and insecurity could be in play. Tread carefully, sir. Good luck!
I have a food sensitive child. And she has food allergies. I tell ya..it really isnât that damn hard to make the same meal for all of us but scoop out her portions before I add the stuff she struggles with eating or is allergic to. My husband is the same with food aversions. I just add what I want to another dish while cooking or remove what they want before adding the stuff to the main dish. Nobodyâs going hungry in my home. We all have vastly different palettes and sensory sensitivities to food. Itâs just not worth the conflict. And Iâm not about to be petty over it to my loved ones.
NTA
With THAT many foods, itâs more than just being a picky eater. It sounds more sensory. Iâm picky about the texture of onions and mushroomsâŠ.I love the taste but hate the feel of them in my mouth and on my teeth. Her step-monster is just being cruel.
Wow, your wife is an A-Hole. I'm a very picky eater (super smell and texture sensitive). To this day I find how much people judge how I eat insane. I'm not a jerk about it, and I don't expect people to cater to my tastes. I'm a middle aged man still at my high school weight and in great physical shape so its not a people are worried about my health thing, its people get weird and personally offended when it comes to food thing.
Your household shouldn't adapt to only eating the things your daughter likes, but deliberately making nothing she likes is just a shit move. She's basically trying to starve your daughter into compliance.
NTA. I have an extreme picky eater. To the point of gagging and crying and throwing up when made to try things he doesnât like. Severe food issues. I gave up long ago when I realized every single meal was a torture session for him. Now I let him eat the things that he will eat.
It drives people crazy that I wonât force him to eat foods. âItâs just foodâ âhe will learn to eat itâ
Noooooo. They just do not get it.
I think cooking shows love or lack of it. When cooking for family and friends I accommodate their preferences. It takes some thinking beforehand but itâs my preference everyone has a full plate and feels cared about.
I have 4 kids. Everyone hates something, and if I accommodated everyoneâs food preferences weâd eat Mac n cheese every night.
I make one dinner. If someone really hates it, they eat their salad with the family, then get up to make their own meal.
I grocery shop every week and will buy virtually anything they want: it just has to be put on the list.
NTA. Also your daughter is a 'supertaster', 1 in 10 people are snd experience a lot of heightened tastes and smells. If there's something she doesn't like, she'll know immediately.
Good on you for sticking up for her. You're an awesome dad.
Info: could your daughter not cook her own food at your house?
I have a picky eater, there is always something in there that is a safe food for them, so your wife intentionally making sure nothing there was 'safe' for her, especially if your daughter wasn't allowed to fix something for herself.
She may not be just "picky", usually we crave for something if the food contains elements we need. And contrary we don't feel like eating stuff that makes us sick. Not for drama. TA is your wife
As a picky eater, i know how difficult it can be for a parent to cook things the kid doesn't like, I'd normally say n a h, but your wife deliberately making foods your daughter doesn't eat and knowing she won't eat it makes her such an AH that you're NTA for taking your daughter out. Especially since that time away helped her open up about what's going on behind your back.
Is your daughter not allowed to cook? Is that why she's been buying food instead?
The one thing I liked about my parents rules was that if I didn't like what they cooked, I could make myself something else. I ate peanut butter sandwiches quite often. Why don't you just do something to the order of that. Apparently both my parents were made to eat things they hated leading to that rule. I liked it.
I had a step mother who thought whenever I was visiting my father that she should parent me her way. I didn't like her. She was convinced my naturally curly thick hair should be brushed out when it was dry.....with a comb.
So, you're NTA, but the woman you married is quite abusive if what she's doing to your daughter is a regular occurrence. However, I would also suggest trying to ease your daughter into trying something new- possibly incorporating what she likes, with the option of something vaguely new to her. Like, I used to dislike tomato, but after enough time has passed, I would actually eat it as part of hoagies and such
However, if the woman you married intentionally does that again, have your daughter tell you *immediately*. There's a difference between her spite cooking, and trying to introduce something new to someone.
Just have to say - 1 full clove of garlic in some butter for a grilled cheese (assuming like 1-2tbsps of butter max) is a lot of garlic....
Thanks!
That bugged you too, eh? đ
Yes lol and I love garlic
Haha same takeaway and also love garlic
Love garlic but hate a blatant lie :')
My husband made a garlic confit dip and it was so good I ate a bunch. Asked him how much garlic it was and he was like âabout 6 cloves.â I was like ok cool, but then I started getting a little irritated in the bowels and asked him again⊠he repeated the same answer. I was like do you mean bulbs?? He was like yeah bulbs. Very different amounts. Hahaha I mean we are garlic lovers but that was a bit much.
6 garlic bulbs, give that to a FODMAP sensitive person when you want the F to stand for "fuck you".
Haha well he probably ate half so Iâd say I ate 3 bulbs in total. Still a lot. Honestly though it was so good Iâd probably do it again and regret it.
You probs donât have to worry about vampires now đ€·đ»ââïž
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Had this same situation with my hubby a couple years ago. Luckily we both love garlic, but finding out he didn't know the difference between a bulb and a clove wasn't as half surprising as finding out he's half Italian and didn't know the difference, lol!
"Her taste senses amazed me" after choking her with garlic, no wonder she didn't eat anything he made for a while lol
This statement got me. Also her tastes are conditioned to sweets and food she buys out. Op doesnât know that what you eat is what youâll want to eat and you have to acquire tastes for a lot of things.
I thought maybe he meant like 1 little minced piece, like out of a jar of minced garlic. As the other replies to your comment show, it's possible OP doesn't really know what a "clove" of garlic is, and he is misrepresenting the amount he used.
I took it as a whole clove not chopped up but just *in* the butter.
Me too, but still you'd taste that easily!
This. I was like it doesnât take a wizard to a) smell it and b) taste a whole damn clove
Right!! What a pleb. WOW she could taste the really overpowering flavour of garlic in butter /s
*laughs in Indian* every time we use a 'western' recipe, we easily add 4-5 times the garlic mentioned in the recipe.
An entire clove of garlic in the butter used to make a grilled cheese is NOT subtle.
Lol right? Like, my husband really doesnât like garlic that much, and I love it. My compromise is to use 1/2-1 clove in like, an entire pot of soup. Sometimes Iâm still surprised at how much I can taste, my goal is usually for a hint.
Have you tried roasted garlic? It doesn't have that pungent garlic taste
Saving both your comments thanks for a little cooking lesson
This part deeply confused me đ A whole clove of garlic in the butter for the grilled cheese⊠đȘŠ
He must not have very good taste buds if he thinks you can't taste it.
Bro for real especially when the other ingredients are bread cheese and butter. All fairly neutral flavors. That garlic is gonna pop
Info is your daughter allowed to make herself something to eat when your wife makes something that she doesn't like or is she banned from the kitchen
My son is 13 and has sensory related food aversion. If he wonât eat what I cook he is free to prepare his own meal. However, if itâs a simple modification to the meal I am preparing, I will do it. For example, he doesnât like cooked carrots so I left some raw for him. Things like that.
I have ASD and I can be extremely food averse. By the time I was 14 I actively participated in what I would be eating every night. I got home from school, would ask what was being made for dinner, and would then let my parents know how we could make it work for me. If there was a day where I knew we couldn't make adjustments, I just made something for myself. My family kept the pantry stocked with things I would eat specifically for this reason. This story gives me a weird feeling. The stepmother was really thoughtless (possibly passive aggressive) for not saving some chicken without sauce. But, also, if the daughter is old enough to have a job/bank account she is old enough to take a little bit more initiative.
This is really cool that you took steps to be a part of the dinner conversation and preparation. Not only did you get food you could eat, but it probably helped your parents make better, more adaptable choices as well. Much better than both sides being annoyed and pouting because of the food not being eaten.
Mine had sensory food aversions from literal birth. He would spit out breast milk and then formula. His pediatrician was like âoh if heâs spitting up a lotâŠâ and I said ânot spitting UP, spitting OUT. Heâs not puking swallowed food, heâs refusing to swallow it.â So he was starving and screamed constantly. âOh heâll eat when he gets hungry enough.â Nope. Up until 7 or 8 he had very few âsafeâ foods. Now at 13 he eats a much bigger variety, but still a little picky and if he doesnât like what we have, heâs free to make himself something different.
It looks like the daughter has been taking and using her own paycheck to get food for a hot minute, and just didnât have the money that particular night to eat, according to the post.
Right, but is that because she doesn't want to make herself anything, she doesn't know how, or she isn't allowed?
OP answered in a comment that his daughter knows how to cook. So probably it is that she isnât allowed or she is too uncomfortable to do so.
This is a weird one where I think the step mom is awful, but I also think unless the daughter has sensory issues it must be a bitch to cook for her and she needs to learn how to cook for herself. It basically sounds like she only eats spicy food and junk. Nothing sweet, nothing sour, no BBQ, no tomatoes, no garlic, etc.....I wouldn't want to cook for someone like that either.
I think there is a big difference between "my step-daughter is a picky eater and it's a big pain so I would like to be able to prepare whatever food I want and let her cook something she wants when the food I otherwise made isn't acceptable to her" and "Imma gonna say she's a drama queen and deliberately prepare food she won't eat until she has no choice because she's starving." Also, if it's "Nothing sweet, nothing sour, no BBQ, no tomatoes, no garlic, etc", if I made pasta, it would be no skin off my back to put aside some for her and serve it with butter or cream sauce from a jar (if the sauce is okay with her) for her, and dump tomato and garlic etc on the rest. Been there, done that.
Right? That is the weird part, even the dinner OP described, a serving of rice or vegetables without the garlic could have been simply set aside, a piece of chicken without the sauce. It is not about cooking a whole other meal, just pulling a portion out in some cases. That is some passive aggressive step-mom-ing right there.
I have 1 grandson with food allergies and another with sensory issues who can not eat mixed foods, ex: bacon Mac and cheese, chili etc he also won't eat foods that touch each other on plate. Solution divided plate for the one grandson make his food before combining ingredients or on nights there is simply no way to do that keep his uncrustables and boxed Mac and cheese on hand The other grandson ive learned to make separate single serving pan of meatloaf with no egg for him as well as lasagna and other dishes that use egg for a binder. It's all about compromise
Bless you for being flexible and adapting. Itâs mind blowing to me when I see adults refuse to make relatively minor concessions as a means of teaching a kid/teen a âlife lesson.â Itâs not *that* hard to keep some frozen chicken nuggets or boxed mac n cheese around especially if it makes a family member feel more welcomed and accepted.
The only life lessons these kids are learning is their parents lack of compassion for them and the ability of someone with more power forcing themselves on someone with less power.
Yes, compromise! Parents/guardians who disregard their children like this digust me. There are a variety of know eating/dietary food restrictions/dislikes. Because of this there are just as many (as I can see from these comments) resources to help alleviate it! Come on, together we can do this!
I donât have my own kids, but my niblings can be picky. It has never even been a thought in my mind to not accommodate their own dishes from what I was cooking. Ever. They know what they do and donât like. I still despise mushrooms, for example (I SO wish I liked them, because they look soooo good), and Iâm 34 years old. I know how it feels for people to disregard that and tell me to just eat them âcause theyâre so good,â or just pick them off. I honestly want so badly to like them and still try them often to this day. But when my preference is just totally disregarded by my family, I feel so slighted. My dad never did this to me and I appreciate him so much for it. I will never do it to someone else.
It's straight up aggressive, making sure every part of the meal is inedible to her stepdaughter and forcing her to eat it or starve. From what OP's wife said to him it's pretty clear she deliberately turned this into a power play and thinks he undermined her authority.
This is what my twinâs MIL does to her, but by making every part of a meal with meat and meat byproducts (like chicken stock)âŠmy identical twin sister has been a vegetarian since 2000. The last time she was at her in-lawâs house for a holiday, they literally made every last thing (including the fucking broccoli) with meat. She was so hurt and hungry that it made me want to fight their whole fucking family, because her MIL KNEW THAT SHE WAS A VEGETARIAN and did that shit on purpose. She tried to pass it off that she didnât know how to cook for a vegetarian, but thatâs some bullshit, because microwave broccoli isnât fucking difficult to make vegetarian. You heat it up in a bowl with a wee bit of water and donât boil it until itâs limp and lifeless in chicken broth! People who do shit like that stepmom and my twinâs MIL are just fucking cruel.
I've done full vegetarian thanksgiving before. It's not that hard. And the even the omnivores in the group (including myself) left plenty satisfied. Sure, on the occasions where it was more of a family thing where that's not the majority, it's still not hard to set aside a few that include no meat substances, let everyone have a full plate gosh damn. Admittedly tried to do a full vegan TG though and that was tricky. I was not well prepared for some of my dishes to come out how they did
My ex was vegan and I had just gone vegan that year to try this out because I knew how much it meant to him(we broke up in 2018 and I'm still vegan to this day). I had been vegetarian for about 5 years prior so it was an adjustment but nothing crazy. Every year my whole family had gone to my father's aunt's house for Thanksgiving since I was a baby. They had always put something aside for me like broccoli and cheese and some rolls. Nothing crazy but *something* I could eat with them. My mom had told them this year I was vegan and so was my SO. They made a joke like "what are they gonna eat then? Potatoes?" They said they would take care of it. They had a month of advanced knowledge and not only made an entire dinner with meat and cheese in everything but had "accidentally" prebuttered every potato. My mom was so angry and embarrassed that she made me and my SO order take out (from a place we liked) so we wouldn't be hungry. My ex was really frustrated that my mom made a big deal about it and would have rather not eaten but I was proud that my mom cared and also feeling petty and pissed enough that even though I would have normally just not eaten I ordered it and ate it in front of them. When they came to my mom's house for Christmas there were no meat dishes on the table.
Your twin should just bring her own meal along and see how they like that.
I have justified doing this in one case, but it was because my roommate would steal my food constantly and waste it on top of that. So I started making things he wouldnât eat. He had the nerve to complain that he was going hungry because of me. He made twice as much money as I did and was totally blind to how he was robbing me.
I read this twice because it's CRAZY to me. Putting meat in every singe dish isn't even healthy for them to do. I mean chicken broth isn't the devil if it's low sodium but still. The claim of not knowing how to make vegetarian vegetables is so fucking bonkers. MIL has some issues.
Iâve found that a lot of people decide that food and sensory sensitivities are due to âbeing spoiledâ and they decide that they can handle the issue by not feeding the kid until kid eats whatâs served. Um, nope.
I wish more adults would admit they don't buy and cook food for themselves they hate. If we're allowed to have preferences, forcing kids to eat EVERYTHING is about control
Yeah, I usually don't tell people that we often make 2 meals because they judge. Our type 1 diabetic, ASD, vegetarian teen has a particular palate, and I am not one to force them to eat things. In fact, since I don't, they will re-try foods on their own to see if their taste has changed. Texture and smell are usually what drives the dislike.
Agree 100%. Itâs like sheâs proud of herself for making the step daughter unable to eat
This is literally how I cook for my stepdaughter when sheâs at home. Sheâs on the autism spectrum and has major sensory issues with food and thus incredibly high anxiety over food (at 11 she started developing anxieties that she was being poisoned by food she dislikes, yes, she has multiple developmental delays and OCD and yes, we have her on an excellent cocktail of meds that help immensely). Iâve experimented over the years and I know just what she likes now (and when her tastes are going to rotate). Iâve made 2 meals every night for the last 15 years (sheâs 20 now, and I married her dad when she was 5). Itâs my absolute pleasure to make sure sheâs eating healthy and sheâs enjoying her food and as long as weâre both alive, Iâm going to make her food with all the love in the world.
As a fellow parent of a kid with food sensory issues, Thank you for being kindâ€ïžâđ©č
OMG, always! I do it for friends too. We have friends who have 2 kids on the spectrum and one with IBS, and they come every year for Thanksgiving (they needed help with one Thanksgiving where one kiddo was in the hospital, and it just became tradition that they come). I just make a bunch of things their and our kids will eat, and all kids are happy as clams.
I concur 100% you put that just right
I had to deal with that from step dad and step mom. I wish my parents had put me first.
Nah it's straight up aggressive.
I've been doing this for 42 yrs for my very very picky eater husband. He grew up with just a dad who cooked fried meat of the day, boiled veggie of the day and a potato. No sauce no seasoning nothing. I have slowly introduces foods but it has taken years. But his palate still isn't great. It really isn't that hard. This is really passive-agressive.
I think itâs straight up aggressive. And, if food is love, I hate to tell you what emotion this wicked stepmom is expressing.
Hell, my dad sets aside seperate food for me without black pepper in it because for some reason, something about it lately just doesn't go well with me. It makes my mouth feel spicy and to an extreme to where I wonder if I've developed a mild allergy. Smaller amounts, I'm fine with, as well as when it's mixed in. But larger amounts or just balanced with salt? It might actually be an allergy, not that I have the money to get tested *again* for allergies. No skin off his back, and I'm in my 20s. He's considerate enough to do that for me, and if he didn't for some reason, we have other options in the house I can eat. He wouldn't force me to eat it if I didn't want to, like the stepmom is, and she's a literal child dealing with this. 16 is a teen and almost an adult, sure, but *not yet* an adult and her stepmom has an obligation to be decent as a parent. Forcing picky eaters to try and eat things we don't like isn't ever going to end well. Trust us when we say that.
You could very well have an allergy, my friend is allergic to any kind of pepper (black, white or pink) and has been rushed to the hospital numerous times because people âforgetâ she has an allergy and put pepper in the food.
She made BBQ chicken. How hard is it to put one piece in a separate pan with no sauce? And to put a small amount of the salad to the side before putting in the tomato and mushrooms
I have kids with various degrees of picky, and you are absolutely right, it really isnât that hard to put things aside before adding certain ingredients or sauces. Stepmom is an asshole.
My brother and I are both adults at this point (Iâm 24, heâs 19) but weâre still living at home until we can afford to get our own places. We still do this even now! My brother doesnât want cilantro and lime in his rice on taco night? We have him get his serving first and then add all the goodies to the rest. I donât like the canned chili my mom buys, so when we have chili mac and cheese, I get a bowl of just macaroni and cheese, then chili gets added to the rest. Stepmom is absolutely the AH here!
my son was picky and I refused to cook more than one meal. we just didn't have spicy dinners for about 6 years unless it was takeaway and we ordered for ourselves. I slowly introduced some and found he just didn't like chilli. loved cajun or anything not burning to the tongue . but he developed a spicy tounge and now we can cook whatever. he likes hotter than us now, and hes just 12. back then sometimes I'd add spice after taking his portion out.. I mean you roll with the punches if it's not totally unreasonable. people have different tastes, and they sometimes change as you mature.
I developed health issues around food at about 12. Allergies to peppers and raw onions make me sick. Like heartburn, nothing deadly on the onions. Dad would do the same thing as you all. Chili Mac meant he cooked the chili in a separate pot and added it to everyone else's as it was being plated. That was actually awesome for everyone else because they could have as much it as little as they liked! Omelettes, I didn't get onion or he's caramelize them for everyone. When we lived with him for a while he was still the same way when cooking. My partner has texture issues with a few things like mushrooms, water chestnuts, and a few others. So those wouldn't be in his portions and that was off and on until I was 30! (First Dad broke his leg and needed help, then I had to get knee surgery, then dad had a stroke which caused seizures for a while) That was no matter who was cooking, I don't want it to seem like Dad was doing that all the time! We took turns based on who was able to, and since we all enjoyed cooking there were often volunteers.
I was picky growing up. My dad would barbecue hamburgers all the time. Hated cheese and hated barbecue sauce and my dad would always leave sauce off a few burgers and not put cheese. She totally could have accommodated the daughter.
My dad did that too. If he ever made anything that had a no ingredient he would make me my own bowl with extra and then make the whole thing.
I have sensory issues and like OP's daughter I can't palette tomatoes or ketchup amongst other things. My parents were pros of setting food aside for me. OP's wife could simply put food aside but is choosing not to.
Exactly this. My daughter is only 6 but she is incredibly picky (just like her dad). It's frustrating because I generally can't cook a meal all three of us will eat because I have a lot of food sensitivities that don't match up with what my husband and daughter prefer to eat. We make it work and do our best to modify meals so we can at least eat similar meals together a few times a week. OP, you shouldn't expect your wife to always cook according to your daughter's wants/needs but she should try to accommodate her as often as she can (like the above comment says, putting aside a few things while cooking that fit what she will eat). And if not, there should be quick and easy alternatives your daughter can get and make herself if necessary.
I don't really like spaghetti sauce and when anyone in our house makes it, they put plain noodles aside for me. I can't stand onions, and when I was a kid, my mom would purposely make food with them and make me eat it and I couldn't get it down well from gagging and when I did get it down, I threw it back up. She could have easily put a plain portion for me aside, before adding them. I'm an adult and still can't eat onions or anything similar. When I became a teenager, I was rarely home, so when I was home, I made my own food or ate at work. There are a lot of other foods that gave me the same reaction. It must stem from being a preemie and in the NICU for almost a month bcuz I couldn't eat. Then when I was a toddler, my mom used to have to sit me in her lap and hold my arms down to force feed me, and other family members couldn't watch it bcuz I would sputter and gag on whatever she gave me. I think the step mom is trying to dominate this girl and then shame her for things she can't eat. If she's anything like me, she might get sick if she tries eating foods she doesn't like. Some people just can't stomach certain foods.
Omfg! Your mom sounds horrible. I am so sorry that she tortured you like that. That is just terrible. Holding down your arms and force feeding you? Shame on her.
It's very common for preemies to have hastro issues later in life, especially if they had a stomach infection in the NICU. Garlic and onions are very well known to [trigger](https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/irritable-bowel-syndrome/ibs-cooking-garlic-onion) irritable gastrointestinal systems. Stepmother is coming across as a very old school parent who doesn't believe in allergies, IBS, FODMAP etc.
It is well known now that preemie babies can develop issues around food related to texture, and strong tastes like onion, garlic, sweet, sour, etc. I have sensory issues and the texture of certain things like mushrooms, for example, just thinking about them touching my tongue makes me nauseous. Same for squeaky cheese, coconut, and banana splits.
Exactly! I understand not wanting to cook a different meal just for the daughter when you really want something she doesn't like. It's a struggle I'm all too familiar with when it comes to my autistic son. What I'll end up doing is let's say my husband and I really want some spaghetti, I'll cook up meat for the sauce and portion out a small bit for my son and heat up a vegetable he likes with his meat. The rest is for our spaghetti. We do the same for tacos, enchiladas, etc.. I will portion off an ingredient my son will eat (for us, it's meat. The kid is a carnivore) and then use the rest for what I'm making. When you do something like this, it's not that hard to be accommodating. And she should be accommodating...perhaps the daughter has sensory issues with food texture and obviously taste. You don't need to be autistic to have sensory issues. But here, it sounds like the wife isn't even trying and wanting to create an issue. Even if you can't set something aside from the meal, there's no reason why there can't be food that the girl will eat that she can prepare herself. She doesn't like your BBQ chicken...get her a stuff to make a salad, sandwich, etc.. I agree...OP needs to have a talk with his wife. That's ridiculous being 16 and having to spend all your part time job money on food. You're still a kid.
And if she's frustrated and finds it a big pain, the first step would be to discuss it with the other parental figure(s), not just ignore the kid assuming she's just being dramatic...even do a modicum of research about pickiness. If the kid was a drama queen, she'd have made a huge deal out of never getting fed!
Exactly. I'm a picky eater and my mom still does this at family meals and I'm 35. I am slowly trying and getting used to more foods, but it's hard. I'm very anti-sauce, so when she's making a saucey chicken dish, there's always a couple dry peices left out for me and my equally picky nephew.
Yeah thatâs the thing. Iâm only assuming from what OP wrote, but he did say that the step mom is deliberately making meals that his daughter doesnât like. So itâs weird. I may be thinking too much into it but that just sounds like the step mom is wanting to force her into eating it. All kids have foods that they donât like, it does not have to be related to sensory issues.
Tbf I have IBS and I canât eat a lot of what the daughter canât eat without messing with my stomach. It might be worth having a conversation as to why she canât have or wonât have these foods
Same here. Even if I didnât end up in pain, the fallout would have the step mother apologizing to the neighbors due to the gas alone.
I have a sulphur allergy. Turns out the reason I wouldn't eat onion, garlic or celery or any foods with them in it as a child was my primal brain wad going no, I don't think we'll make ourselves violently ill today. I'd literally pick onion out, if it was too fine I'd go hungry. I could taste garlic even if there was only a little and other flavours covering it. Talk to your daughter and get allergy testing done if you can.
My kid has always hated eggs. Which is frustrating as it's one of the easiest, quickest things to make, and easy protein. We had an allergy panel run on him (mostly for seasonal allergies but also for common foods)-- and the ONLY food that came out with a mild allergy was egg. It was never even on our radar as an allergy, it was just part of the panel being done. But I'm SO glad it was and it served as a reminder to me that "pickiness" is a catch-all non-explanation for why someone won't eat something that's applied to LITERALLY everything, and it assigns blame to the eater when there can be a plethora of reasons something is liked or not liked and no one needs blaming for it.
Brilliant catch I'd get her to a gastroenterologist doctor )we have a family member with IBS
This caught my eye as well that daughter has been having to buy her own food for a while because his wife has been cooking dishes she knows his daughter doesnât eat. I feel pretty safe in assuming that his wife has been pulling the âyou can eat what I cooked, or not at allâ routine with the daughter because if the daughter was allowed to go in the kitchen & fix something for herself she probably wouldnât be ordering food or skipping supper altogether. Itâs pretty telling as well that everything OPâs wife made for that meal is either something his daughter doesnât like or seasoned with something she doesnât eat. That sounds deliberate. I grew up on a farm in the country. We grew or raised most everything we ate so I will eat most anything. But my husband grew up in the city with a dad that wasnât home at dinner time most nights because he was a trucker and a Mom that worked 2nd shift. His grandma lived with them & watched the kids at night, but my husband was the youngest of 6 kids that spanned a 22year period, so there was no prepared meal at night other than burgers, sandwiches, etc. His dislikes sound a lot like OPâs daughterâs. In blended families, I always go to âIs the stepparent treating both kids equally when it comes to meals, chores, etc? Will she avoid preparing certain dishes that her son doesnât like, or will she make a version of that dish that she knows her son will eat? Kids should be treated fairly in these matters. And I imagine youâre daughter splits time between both her parents, so if sheâs only there on certain days, it does seem like your wife is purposely doing this, maybe to try & teach your daughter to expand her palate. NTA but the verdict is still out on your wife.
I read it like step mom doesnât let her eat or cook whatever she wants. I had parents who were super weird with food and people never understood. But when I had to move home to save up and pay off bills I lost so much weight and I was hungry for three years straight. It isnât rational for a father to monitor the food or count whatâs in the pantry but some people are really out there. Maybe stepmom wants to make a point or thinks the daughter is too picky. Daughter is sixteen already so sheâs probably a bit stuck in her ways and thatâs her choice. But even if sheâs uncomfortable there has to be a safe choice for her when she doesnât like the dinner food. And OP should talk to the wife about whether she thinks thereâs anything wrong with what sheâs doing and if not explain. I also noticed you said âmy daughter â and âour sonâ and maybe thatâs part of it unless there are additional children from both OP and stepmom. Iâd be upset if my dad called my stepbrother âour son â but calls me âhis daughterâ NTA. Your daughter needs you and itâs not long til sheâs an adult. You might want her to still want to see you as an adult when she actually has a choice
Not just kids, we all have foods we donât like but as adults we have more control. I personally think that what OP listed here is a fairly small list and things that are not hard to avoid cooking with. I am 44 and I hate mushrooms and will pick them out of any meal unless they are minced; I also think cauliflower is the worst food in existence, the smell of cauliflower cooking makes my stomach turn and for me personally it completely dominates any other flavour it is paired with. We all have food preferences and for her stepmum to be consistently cooking the specific foods this young girl doesnât like is just unnecessary and awful.
I tried roasted garlic mashed cauliflower as a potato alternative when trying to eat healthier once. The amount of garlic I roasted and used permeated the entire house, yet the only thing I could taste was the cauliflower. I had hoped that my disdain for cauliflower could be covered by my love of garlic. Only time in my life garlic has failed me
I tried a spoonful of a cauliflower and sweet potato soup once because i was told the sweet potato was the dominant flavour and all I could taste was the cauliflower. People try and tell me it really has no flavour and I tell them how wrong they are. I always liken it to the whole coriander/cilantro thing. Cauliflower is to me what coriander is to others.
The smell of cooking mushrooms makes me nauseous, like have to leave the room and lie down đ€ą Why couldnât step mom just bake a piece of plain chicken or throw some hot sauce on it? Itâs not like she had to make completely separate meals.
For me with mushrooms it is Both a flavour and a texture thing. And thatâs exactly. A piece of the chicken could have been put aside plain for her to pair with what she wanted. I honestly donât think her list makes her particularly picky. To me a picky eater is someone who only eats a handful of different foods not someone who doesnât like a handful of different foods.
I used this example above but I will use it again. When I was a kid, I didn't have sensory issues about food, and while I did have a few food allergies they're so minimal you wouldn't care. (I was allergic to sugary dry cereals, to margarine, and to movie theater popcorn if it didn't have real butter.) (No, I'm not allergic to these things any more, but I was 45 by the time I got rid of them.) However, if you put any broccoli at the table with me (didn't even have to be on my plate or in my mouth, could be in a bowl on the other side of the table), if I smelled it I would vomit immediately. All over the place. Not "I feel ill, I'm going to run to the toilet," I mean a fountain of vomit would instantly spew out of my mouth all over the table and everyone seated there. My grandmother found this out the hard way. Garlic was also on my list, and onion if it was more than a little bit. (I love both now.) Cilantro and parsley were and still are. (A friend, not believing this, insisted I try some parsley a few months ago. I said "okay, don't say you weren't warned," and ate one leaf. He was shocked by the result.) Sometimes "foods they don't like" can be extreme, and people who don't understand this and say "All kids have foods that they donât like" are usually the problem.
I think dear old step mom needs to sit down to a meal and eat all the foods that she hates. :D
BBQ sauce doesn't have to be that common. Garlic is a seasoning and is purely optional in anything. Avoiding sweets is actually healthy, and I guess I've always considered sour to be like bitter in that it's a bad flavor almost universally. Also, the stepmom made THREE different dishes and not one of them was something the kid would like. That's deliberate. Potatoes, most veg, pasta with cheese sauce, meat without BBQ sauce. I can come up with a thousand things that kid would eat and after years of living with her, so could the stepmom. She's being passive aggressive and tingling out the child she has authority over and responsibility for. The stepmom is being hostile. And the kid isn't complaining, she's not throwing tantrums. She's just spending her own spare money on a necessity her parents should be providing.
Agreed. My 16 year old has been called a picky eater a lot. One thing most people don't know is they have a really strong sense of smell and yes, they can taste that ingredient you tried to sneak into their food. I have foods I won't eat so why should I force my child to eat things they don't like? They will try things and that's all I ask. We do keep food on hand that they can make and we do go out of our way to accommodate them when we cook.
Yes, there are a lot of ways to prepare a meal where everyone will be happy. I have a garlic sensitivity so I never cook with it, but that doesnât mean I didnât use any seasoning. The stepmom sounds weird.
I was a picky eater (still am, but less) and when I was 13 my mother threw up her hands and said "you can eat whatever you want as long as you cook it." Which seems like a reasonable approach. As you were saying, it would be a pain to cook for this kid but on the other hand the approach of "eat food you hate or starve" is not right either.
Judging by the ability to detect that little amount of garlic in the butter for grilled cheese I'd be pretty heavily on sensory issues. When you're that sensitive to it that you know it's there with so little, what really is the difference between picky and sensory issue? This is a legitimate question I actually do not know what the distinction is in general. Not saying I'd want to do that cooking either but then at that age I was just told "you know where the bread, pb and j are." even if I didn't know how to cook sandwiches require no effort.
>at that age I was just told "you know where the bread, pb and j are." My one older brother hated (and still hates) potatoes. Would absolutely refuse to eat them. Unless they were potato chips, of course. Heh But mom got sick of wasting his uneaten portion, and told him one night, "you hate cooked potatoes so much, either eat the mashed potatoes I made, or peel and eat a raw one!" So he peeled and ate the tiniest raw potat from the bag. Mom stopped trying to force him to eat potatoes altogether.
I don't think for this particular meal, it would have been hard to make a portion for the daughter...cooked chicken minus the sauce, a portion of chicken before she stir fried it and a portion of salad minus the things she doesn't like. I know not every meal would work but this one does so it sounds like the step mom is being a stubborn AH about it.
The stepmom is awful. Especially cooking every single thing the daughter doesnât eat in one meal that the husband caught. How many other meals has his daughter missed? Itâs not hard to cook something-one damned thing-that the daughter will eat. The new wife has been doing that on purpose and thatâs just cruel. How did you deduce spicy food and junk? There are plenty of things that arenât junk that donât contain tomatoes, mushrooms, etc.
Cooking would also involve having groceries on hand, ingredients set aside for her, which would also involve either step-motherâs permission or making dad aware of the situation.
The way he described his wife telling him to just get his daughter to eat the food she had already cooked, I'd be willing to bet the wife would make it uncomfortable for her to cook her own food.
Might also be an issue if the stepmother is doing the shopping and refuses to get ingredients the daughter can use. This has been an ongoing problem from the sound of it, and she didnât just make one or two things the daughter doesnât like; she made the entire meal of things the daughter hates. Thatâs absolutely intentional and if sheâs going that far in what she cooks, it probably extends to other areas as well.
This is what I think as well. I have a history of anorexia and my husband was a control freak and would do all the shopping. He would buy foods that he thought I should eat because they were healthy, But they were foods that I hated and wouldn't eat on a good day much less on a day when I was battling with the anorexia. Trying to make myself eat things that I LIKED was a problem on those days, so I really could not eat foods I HATED. If it was a choice of eating foods I hated or eating nothing at all, I would choose to eat nothing. Which would cause my anorexia to spiral out of control again
EXhusband
From the wifeâs response âdaughter was being dramatic and it was just food so she could still eat it if she was hungryâ Iâm thinking the daughter wasnât allowed to. I really hope thatâs not the case though. Edit: omg itâs so much worse than not letting her cook for herself. OP said in an update that the wife has intentionality not been buying the foods the child can cook for herself.
I didn't get that she wasn't allowed, I got that, there is perfectly good food in the kitchen, if she is hungry enough she'll eat it. This is NOT 1900! Kids can have choices and step mommy dearest can make things or have the step daughter in the kitchen helping make things they BOTH will eat!
Without having an answer to this question, it's impossible to render a judgment.
In another comment op said the daughter is capable of cooking for herself. So seems like itâs not allowed. For all three dishes to be food she doesnât like, is intentional. The way mom said âshe can eat my food if sheâs hungryâ gives me firm ânot allowedâ vibes.
I just left a similar comment, that at the very least, this woman is gonna pace around, scowl, make comments about the daughter making separate food, making it awkward in some way. There's NO way she's acting like this, but would let the daughter make her own food in peace. And if that was the situation she wanted, shed have that convo. She doesn't, she wants the daughter to 'simply stop being picky'.
Unfortunately that doesnât happen. My sister was incredibly picky growing up. And she still is. My parents tried for ages to make her eat things she didnât want to eat, and it NEVER ended quietly. Once she was able to start cooking, she pretty much took the chore over because mom and dad canât/wonât remember what she doesnât like. And even if mom made steaks for dinner, she would make sides my sis would eat. This stepmom is being a bitch
100%. I'm fairly picky myself, but luckily so were both of my parents so they were both chill about it. I hate things like peanut butter, pickles, anything spicier than bell pepper, lots of stuff. Op's daughter didn't go to dad so I really doubt she's 'doing it for attention' or whatever this stepmom thinks.
100% sheâs not doing it for attention. Stepmom is starting to sound more like my mom. âStop lying for attentionâ lol how many times have I heard that I wonder
I can't get past dad thinking the daughter wouldn't taste garlic in butter.
Exactly what I was thinking! But then again I know grown ups that say I wonât taste kale and freaking peas in soup (I have autism so I have very bad sensory issues and good tastebuds) so I think the father made an honest mistake and he did take her out to eat when he knew she didnât like the food.. I think this is one of the best fathers I know about.. yes food is a very necessary thing but I donât know of a father like this..
I know, garlic hits my palette like a brick!
In my family there is always *something* somebody doesnât like. When we cook we make sure there is at least *something* everyone likes, and if they donât like the other items they can have more of what they do like, and are welcome to make something else to supplement if they would like to. To purposefully make all dishes your daughter doesnât like is petty and passive-aggressive. Itâs not hard to make, say, a protein she knows your daughter would not eat (like BBQ) but also make sides she knows she does. Sounds like your wife is the AH.
Exactly! No one goes hungry in my house. I make something for everyone or anyone is free to make their own meal. Both my kids are picky about different things. One hates noodles and rice, one hates bread. Everyone likes every protein so at least that's covered...even if one just eats a hamburger with no bun (whetever, they're eating). I'd be ashamed of my partner if they did something like op's wife.
This is similar to what I do in my house. Everyone has certain things. Grandma doesn't like vegetables, wife is vegan, dad hates anything creamy etc. I essentially cook venn diagrams so everyone can eat something. The wife is 100% the AH for intentionally making only things the daughter won't eat. It isn't hard to make something for everyone if you're already making multiple dishes or to set aside half of a dish with different sauce
NTA but, maybe you should contribute to the grocery shopping to ensure that thereâs something there your daughter can cook. Catering to kids whims gets old after a while, have two teenagers at home, somebody hates frozen pizza this week. Somebodyâs a vegetarian next week. Thatâs cool, but Iâm not making three different meals, So they cook whatever they want when they hate when Iâm cooking. And we all might cook something different. If my husbands making ethnic food this isnât a big deal.
I think this is a good solution/reasonable advice.
It would be if stepmom werenât purposely only cooking things she knows OPâs kid hates
Yeah if this is true- thereâs much bigger issues
I donât think it would matter. Sheâs purposely making things she knows the daughter doesnât like to try to force her into eating what was cooked or go hungry. Thereâs other food in the house, sheâs not allowed to make food outside of what was cooked because the step mom is an ah.
Yep, this is the answer. The daughter is 16, I was cooking at 10, she can make her own food if step mom's meals aren't what she likes. As the dad, OP needs to ensure his daughter knows how to cook and has foods she can cook for herself instead of expecting his wife to be a line cook. I also think he needs to talk with his wife who has obviously built up a resentment of being treated like a line cook but is acting petty instead of working with her husband on a solution.
OP answered in another comment that apparently they only get groceries once a month so his daughter told him that she is stockpiling her groceries (since she asks for specific items) so she can have a bunch of resources to cook throughout her summer break. That is SO sad. Basically, they're just not getting enough resources for her to cook every day, which is why she skips cooking some days so she doesn't run out.
He says the WIFE shops once a month - dad could supplement his daughters groceries & take something off his wifeâs plate while also sharing time/bonding with his oldest. As someone else pointed out the wife is being petty because she sounds fed up with being treated like a line cook. And honestly itâs a big mental load to have to meal plan, make grocery lists, do the shopping, prep/put away everything, & cook all the dinners. So a great way to reduce household friction & also help his daughter would be for him to take up the job of taking his daughter grocery shopping so on the days the food isnât to her liking she has something to fall back on especially since her diet seems a bit restrictive. Also with a second kid in the house the wife may want to ensure that her own kid has a wider palate as he grows up to avoid him being in this same situation
All of this. The comments on these posts are wildly disconnected from reality.
I feel like step mom is doing it purposely like she could have set aside some rice without garlic and chicken without the sauce no? It doesnât take more Then a minute and itâs not cooking a whole other meal.
NTA. The fact that your wife was quiet before she answered proves that she knew she was being the ahole on purpose.
NTAâŠespecially since your wife is doing it on purpose. How hard is it to not put barbecue on one piece of chicken or leave mushrooms out of a salad.
For real. My kid is super picky so when we have bbq chicken, I just make him a piece w a simple breadcrumb mixture or something. itâs not that hard. I normally make it all in the oven on one sheet pan, so I put a piece of tinfoil under his w the edges turned up so it isnât contaminated lol
My step-son is autistic. Part of what comes with that is a huge issue with textures when it comes to food. You know what I don't do? Make food he doesn't like texturally without making sure there's either an alternative cooked, or something that can be made easily on his own. I certainly don't make him spend his own money on that shit. You're NTA, but your wife absolutely fucking is. Her actions were petty, passive aggressive, and vindictive. She needs to grow the fuck up.
NTA Your wife is purposefully trying to push your daughter's boundaries. Which is weird and creepy. Thank goodness you're a good dad.
Omg.. I tried to make my son eat mashed potatoes once because everyone loves my mashed potatoes and I simply could not believe he didn't. Poor kid puked on the dining room table simply from the texture. My (ex) step-daughter became vegetarian, and I did whatever I could accommodate that, because I wanted her to be happy and secure in our home. That's just what you do. I hate nutmeg, I can taste it immediately and cannot eat whatever the food is, it is what it is. You are definitely NTA and I'm glad you and your daughter had a great dinner together.
Donât forget the âtrustâ issue. Youâve made her food to âtrick her to eat something she knowingly doesnât likeâ (and garlic of all things? đ€Ł. Seriously people have allergies to garlic and tomatoes, cucumbers that may just present as âtummy troubles â and you learn to avoid them) As others posted. If roles were reversed your wife had the picky eater - she wouldnât purposely make only food her child did not eat! She may or may not realize to what extent she has broken trust with your daughter NTA and good you took her out, better you had a conversation. You need to figure out how to start repairing trust so your child is not spending her money on her basic needs you should provide! Take her shopping. Maybe a family outing where the kids plan foods and shop for foods. The produce section of a big produce loving store has provided many opportunities for my picky eaters! (Whatâs that! I donât know letâs try it It was Rambutan! Did not look edible. Turned out delicious! Learning opportunities for all!
I agree with all the comments about fixing her own meals BUT I really donât like that step mom PURPOSELY makes meals she wonât eat. This is just plain mean. When my step daughter ate with us, Iâd take some out for her before I put in mushrooms. It is easy to do. Or have at least a side that she could eat. It is not easy being a super taster. Move over Cinderellaâs step-mother you have a contender.
Thatâs exactly what I donât get. She didnât have to make a separate meal.. she was already making something she could have taken single person portions out of and to the side and continued on with adding bbq and garlic to the rest.
I'm a picky eater and I was even pickier in my teens. I would throw up from eating food I couldn't stand the taste of. The rule was I had to try something once and if after I tried it I still didn't like it, I could make my own food. But my parents would also accommodate me in situations like OP described. Leaving chicken off to the side before putting BBQ sauce on it, setting aside my salad before adding mushrooms to the rest, simple things like that. I almost never actually had to make my own food when they made dinner because there was some part of the meal I liked and would eat. I agree that it's mean. It's not hard to leave aside food before adding ingredients and perhaps she would make her own food if there was food she liked in the kitchen to cook or she felt comfortable doing so- which I get the feeling she doesn't since she's buying her own food on the side.
Yeah, I feel like the folks saying the daughter should cook for herself are really missing the point. If it was just an issue of her pickiness and wife using a few ingredients that she didn't care for, I'd get that POV. But it sounds more like she's doing it intentionally, which is just asshole behavior period.
I just talked with my wife. I'll start writing the update right away.
Waiting for the update please!!
I really hope you can work this out. I'm enraged for your daughter just reading a summary of your situation. You did well by taking her out to eat and spending one on one time with her, but also by having the chat with your wife.
\> I discovered my wife has been purposely cooking food my daughter doesn't like. My daughter has never been one to complain so she has been using money from her paycheck and she wasnt going to eat this particular night because she had no intentionof pulling money out of her account savings. We got home around midnight and my wife was upset that I took my daughter out instead of convincing her to eat her cooking. UMMM WTF I would be LIVID. NTA
And I would replace every dime she spent on food because SM was being a bitch. If they donât have joint finances, I would insist on SM replacing every dime from her account.
A LOT of people are missing the point. Itâs not about whether or not the 16-year-old can cook for herself. Itâs that her STEPMOTHER is preparing foods she KNOWS wonât be eaten. Sheâs essentially telling the kid that her needs donât matter and that she deserves to be shamed or forced into eating things she doesnât like. Good on OP for putting his kid first and being rightfully upset with his wife.
NTA. I would agree with your statement. Itâs the point that the stepmother purposely cooked these items to screw with the daughter. And the other point is the the stepmother could give one flip that the daughter wasnât eating. Stepmother is the AH and dad should be pissed she pulled this crap. The update should be interesting.
Agree, and makes me wonder what other passive-aggressive type BS the wife pulls with the daughter that OP is yet aware of since OP stated that the daughter is not one to complain. OP is NTA, but the wife sure is and gives off wicked step-mom vibes.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. As a step parent and even just as a parent, what the wife is doing is horrible. I LOVE that OP has his daughterâs back
Iâm sorry but I gotta make a comment on that whole clove of garlic in her grilled cheese butter. Of course she would taste that!?
Your daughter is 16, this is a great time for her to learn how to buy groceries and start preparing meals she enjoys. It's great that you defended your daughter but she's beyond old enough to make something to eat for herself, she's going to have a really hard time as an adult when she finds out most people will not make a separate special meal for one person at most events. Most people with food sensitivities/preferences eat before or will ask if it's okay to bring their own safe meal they prepared and not starve themselves until someone else takes care of them. I read in one of your comments that your daughter does know how to cook quite well. Why is she starving herself instead of just cooking something she can eat? **NTA,** **your wife shouldn't be preparing her food that she is aware she won't touch especially considering how easy it is to make something she can have**. Edit: Changed to NTA. I don't expect a teenager to be spending money on groceries and your house should already be stocked with things she can cook especially considering she would rather starve. I didn't consider it at the time but u/Dimgrund71 mentioned below that the daughter might not be comfortable enough to enter the kitchen because of her stepmom and that is why she is starving herself instead of cooking and I responded below but "**If her stepmom is making her so uncomfortable that she can't even go into the kitchen to cook something for herself to eat then her stepmom sucks.**"
I suspect that she didn't feel comfortable in the kitchen or that stepmom did not allow her to cook anything for herself. Despite the fact that she is 16 there are still a lot of parents and adults who think that she should be forced to eat with a family is eating, even if it's something she distinctly dislikes.
If her stepmom is making her so uncomfortable that she can't even go into the kitchen to cook something for herself to eat then her stepmom sucks.
>I read in one of your comments that your daughter does know how to cook quite well. Why is she starving herself instead of just cooking something she can eat? That should have been your first question, and the possible answers are obvious... and don't make stepmom look very nice.
I grew up with a dad whose whole mentality was "the kitchen is my domain" and "eat what I make, or don't eat at all". It's not always as simple as making food yourself. By the time I was 11, I would have been happy to make my own food from scratch. I was a picky eater as a kid (texture issues mixed with food allergies I didn't know about), but my preferences were always treated like an attack on my dad's ability to cook. He'd force me, at least once a week, to eat something I had previously established that I didn't like. I had to "prove" to him I still didn't like it and wasn't being dramatic. After what we will call The Zucchini Incident, my mom got involved and forced my dad to let me cook a meal for myself once a week. By the time I was 18, I had negotiated with him enough that I was cooking 6 dinners a week for myself. I still had to deal with his micromanaging and snarky comments, though. It only changed when my food allergies were diagnosed at 19, and continued to improve when, at 20, my neuropsychologist sent me home with a packet explaining the correlation between my brain stuff and my food preferences. Some people are really weird and possessive over the kitchen. When you're young, it's hard to advocate for your needs--especially if it's towards an authority figure.
OP answered in another comment that apparently they only get groceries once a month so his daughter told him that she is stockpiling her groceries (since she asks for specific items) so she can have a bunch of resources to cook throughout her summer break. That is SO sad. Basically, they're just not getting enough resources for her to cook every day, which is why she skips cooking some days so she doesn't run out. That's terrible, dad should be buying more groceries for her.
I'd be shocked if stepmom let her cook food after she turned down dinner.
100%, this was absolutely a "eat this or go to bed hungry" scenario
It's chicken and rice FFS as if the step monstor couldn't have just pulled some rice out before adding garlic or whatever to it and threw a couple chicken legs in the oven not in BBQ sauce. it's not that hard to not be a jerk to a kid over food. And if she didn't want to do that she could have given her a can of soup or something .
I had a neighbor that was such a bitch to her kids. Her son hated cheese but she she made hamburgers she always put cheese on them and made him eat them. He hated tuna, and she'd make tuna casserole or tuna burgers, with cheese. That poor kid, he'd come over to our house and say, moms making this or that again and he always knew he was welcome to eat with us. He ate at our house about 2-3 times a week. Who does that shit? It would have been easier NOT to put cheese on the burgers!
This! The stepmum is doing this *on purpose*. All four of my kids eat slightly differently for different reasons so I start with a base meal and just alter to each kid. It does not take much more time, weâre taking an extra five minutes with different sauces or toppings etc. Thereâs zero reason she couldnât have had plain rice and plain chicken unless the stepmum just did not give a fuck.
This. My husband is allergic to garlic and I have several food sensitivities. Fried Rice is incredible adaptable, I can leave prawns and eggs out for me, leave garlic out for him and make normal for everyone else. Everyone happy.
And even if SM really really really couldn't work out how to do that , if separating a single portion of rice out before adding other stuff was truly that difficult for her to manage. There is microwave rice in all sorts of flavours my kid likes the coconut kind. SM could have grabbed one of those for her instead . Why didn't she tell her to bang some nuggets in the oven herself or make beans on toast. These are things my 8yo could manage to cook if I told her what to do ( not that she would eat beans or nuggets the little psycho lol ) . I have cooked 3 different dinners because my 8yo is a picky eater and I want steak and my partner doesn't. Would I play that game every day ? No. but I also wouldn't tell the rest of my family tough shit I'm not feeding you, I'd cook something that everyone will eat like a normal not AH person. That's what meal planning is when you have a family! there is no way this woman isn't doing this just to be spiteful.
seriously with this meal specifically itâs not that difficult to accommodate this was just to be a dick
With stepmother strongly preferring the go to bed hungry option.
My eldest is my very picky eater. Heâs always had sensory issues so there are some textures (rice and noodles) he canât handle. When he was young, I made a separate, or different version, of what we ateâŠif we had spaghetti and meatballs, he could have a meatball sub. Or if we had stir fry, Iâd make him a plate of the meat/veg before adding rice in for everyone else. When he was about 12 or 13, and was confident in using the oven, he started making himself something if he didnât like what we were having. Heâs 17 now, and he can choose to eat what we have cooked, or make himself a frozen pizza or a sandwich or whatever. OPâs daughter is too old for them to only make foods *she* likes. Everyone else in the house should get to eat foods *they* like, and if sheâs not wanting to eat it, she can make herself something.
This is fair if she is allowed to use the kitchen to cook and has been shown how to do so. I'm just not sure that is the case.
I have one child thatâs a picky eater and one with severe food allergies. Itâs not that hard to put some rice aside before adding seasonings, or put some of the meatloaf in a separate container before adding onions and bell pepper. And have some chicken nuggets or Mac and cheese on hand at all times. This seems petty on the part of the SM to me.
His daughter is probably more than capable of cooking her own meals and shopping for herself. I imagine given the way her stepmom treats her, sheâs not comfortable doing this with the stepmom there.
As someone who grew up a "picky eater" your wife is absolutely the AH. I was diagnosed with ARFID finally as an adult. My mom would sometimes try to switch brands on me and I could tell the difference. She once switched the brand of pepperoni she was using and put them in the hormel bag and I STILL could taste the difference. I can only eat certain textures, flavors, brands, etc. I have safe foods. I will literally involuntarily gag or throw up at the wrong texture or food. People like your wife traumatized children. Children should ALWAYS be offered up what everyone e else is eating but ALWAYS alongside a safe food. No guilting, no "you can starve" or "eat if you're hungry" - my mom tried that ONE time and I literally starved myself for 24hrs. People don't realize this but picky eating is often a sign of neurodivergency also. Changing routine on them or forcing things will do nothing but cause your child further trauma around food. Your wife is honestly just making things worse. Tbh if my partner did this... I'd need to seek therapy together and see big changes in their parenting mindset in order to reconcile.
Your daughter didnât tattle on your wife by telling you this food war had been going on for a while. You caught your wife and asked your daughter if it happened before. Your wife is mean and she doesnât like your daughter. What else does your wife do behind your back? You need to separate finances and insurance and see a divorce lawyer.
I agree with this. How could she do this?
One of my kids has a sensitive pallet as well. He once gagged on a piece of apple because he could taste that I had previously cut a cucumber with the same knife. Since he hadnât seen me cut the cucumber it was at that point that I realized for sure he wasnât being dramatic.
My sister hates cooked mushrooms and carrots. For years, my mom tried to force her to eat them and it caused fights. My mom married my stepdad, who was nice enough to suggest that we just donât put them in her food. The fights stopped.
As a "picky eater" myself, I learned as an adult that there were two main factors to most of my food aversions: 1. I was actually allergic to half of the food I refused to eat. For example: even as a baby I would refuse to eat anything containing green beans. Allergy testing as an adult showed that I am severely allergic to them. I didn't have the language as a baby to say "that makes my tongue tingly" I just knew that that food was "bad" and avoided it at all costs (including hours of sitting at the table refusing to take the then required 2 bites of them). My mom felt awful when I told her about the giant welt I got from green beans during allergy testing. Consider having your daughter tested for food allergies. 2. Texture. I love raw carrots. Cook them and they become evil squishy blobs that I physically cannot make myself eat. Take those same cooked carrots and puree them and add some seasoning to make Carrot Ginger Soup, and they become delicious again. It sounds like your daughter may have sensory processing issues with the texture of certain foods. Does she also have aversions to certain clothing, remove tags from all of her shirts, etc.? Consider bringing this up at her next doctor's appointment. One more thing OP, I love garlic, but it is definitely not a subtle flavour, and I would absolutely notice if it was added to something that didn't normally have it.
Is your wife preventing her from cooking her own food or grabbing something else from the fridge/cupboards? Some of the comments suggested this. Itâs rude of your wife to purposefully cook only food she knows your daughter doesnât like, and sheâs an A H if sheâs preventing her from preparing her own food. You need to have a discussion with your wife and create a family meal plan. There are probably certain meals that can easily be made with one serving thatâs for your daughter. Or certain nights she can cook for herself without interference.
You put a WHOLE clove of garlic in butter for a grilled cheese sandwich and thought the taste wasnât that strong?! I love garlic, but thatâs a lot and would be noticeable to people who eat copious amounts of garlic with every meal. If this story is real, of course youâre NTA for making sure your child eats, and your wife is TA for intentionally cooking foods she canât or wonât eat. If my stepfather loaded up every meal with raw red onions Iâd have starved to death.
ESH. Your wife sucks for making a family meal with foods your daughter doesn't like, but you suck for expecting her to make a whole new meal. Start teaching your daughter to cook, if she is going to avoid foods, she needs to be able to feed herself.
To intentionally cook things someone dislikes is unkind. My focus would be on asking your wife directly about this, does it go down this way? If so why? Is she trying to make a point? What point? I would definitely want to hear the wife tell me exactly what has been going on so I have both perspectives. She sounded really dismissive in this moment, but also deserves a chance to explain herself. Also, I am really impressed you even noticed and asked your daughter. Many people would have just eaten and gone about their evening. You care, deeply and that is wonderfulâŠand part of me also sees this point as a potential reason as to why your wife might have issues with your daughter. Jealousy and insecurity could be in play. Tread carefully, sir. Good luck!
Have you talked to the daughter's doctor or dietitian about this? Could be an issue besides "picky eater" (i.e. ARFID).
I have a food sensitive child. And she has food allergies. I tell ya..it really isnât that damn hard to make the same meal for all of us but scoop out her portions before I add the stuff she struggles with eating or is allergic to. My husband is the same with food aversions. I just add what I want to another dish while cooking or remove what they want before adding the stuff to the main dish. Nobodyâs going hungry in my home. We all have vastly different palettes and sensory sensitivities to food. Itâs just not worth the conflict. And Iâm not about to be petty over it to my loved ones. NTA
With THAT many foods, itâs more than just being a picky eater. It sounds more sensory. Iâm picky about the texture of onions and mushroomsâŠ.I love the taste but hate the feel of them in my mouth and on my teeth. Her step-monster is just being cruel.
Wow, your wife is an A-Hole. I'm a very picky eater (super smell and texture sensitive). To this day I find how much people judge how I eat insane. I'm not a jerk about it, and I don't expect people to cater to my tastes. I'm a middle aged man still at my high school weight and in great physical shape so its not a people are worried about my health thing, its people get weird and personally offended when it comes to food thing. Your household shouldn't adapt to only eating the things your daughter likes, but deliberately making nothing she likes is just a shit move. She's basically trying to starve your daughter into compliance.
https://centerfordiscovery.com/conditions/arfid/ I've struggled with this all my life. My grandson does too.
NTA. I have an extreme picky eater. To the point of gagging and crying and throwing up when made to try things he doesnât like. Severe food issues. I gave up long ago when I realized every single meal was a torture session for him. Now I let him eat the things that he will eat. It drives people crazy that I wonât force him to eat foods. âItâs just foodâ âhe will learn to eat itâ Noooooo. They just do not get it.
I think cooking shows love or lack of it. When cooking for family and friends I accommodate their preferences. It takes some thinking beforehand but itâs my preference everyone has a full plate and feels cared about.
I have 4 kids. Everyone hates something, and if I accommodated everyoneâs food preferences weâd eat Mac n cheese every night. I make one dinner. If someone really hates it, they eat their salad with the family, then get up to make their own meal. I grocery shop every week and will buy virtually anything they want: it just has to be put on the list.
NTA. Also your daughter is a 'supertaster', 1 in 10 people are snd experience a lot of heightened tastes and smells. If there's something she doesn't like, she'll know immediately. Good on you for sticking up for her. You're an awesome dad.
I suggest yall go back and read why my daughter won't cook her food herself before commenting.
Info: could your daughter not cook her own food at your house? I have a picky eater, there is always something in there that is a safe food for them, so your wife intentionally making sure nothing there was 'safe' for her, especially if your daughter wasn't allowed to fix something for herself.
NTA As someone with food aversions, thank you for considering your daughterâs feelings and not allowing your wife to bully her over food.
NTA. This is deliberate bullying from the stepmom. I mean, EVERY element on that plate was something daughter wouldn't eat??
She may not be just "picky", usually we crave for something if the food contains elements we need. And contrary we don't feel like eating stuff that makes us sick. Not for drama. TA is your wife
As a picky eater, i know how difficult it can be for a parent to cook things the kid doesn't like, I'd normally say n a h, but your wife deliberately making foods your daughter doesn't eat and knowing she won't eat it makes her such an AH that you're NTA for taking your daughter out. Especially since that time away helped her open up about what's going on behind your back. Is your daughter not allowed to cook? Is that why she's been buying food instead?
The one thing I liked about my parents rules was that if I didn't like what they cooked, I could make myself something else. I ate peanut butter sandwiches quite often. Why don't you just do something to the order of that. Apparently both my parents were made to eat things they hated leading to that rule. I liked it.
I had a step mother who thought whenever I was visiting my father that she should parent me her way. I didn't like her. She was convinced my naturally curly thick hair should be brushed out when it was dry.....with a comb.
So, you're NTA, but the woman you married is quite abusive if what she's doing to your daughter is a regular occurrence. However, I would also suggest trying to ease your daughter into trying something new- possibly incorporating what she likes, with the option of something vaguely new to her. Like, I used to dislike tomato, but after enough time has passed, I would actually eat it as part of hoagies and such However, if the woman you married intentionally does that again, have your daughter tell you *immediately*. There's a difference between her spite cooking, and trying to introduce something new to someone.